Louisiana Purchase (1941) Movie Script

Take a letter to
Paramount Studios, Hollywood.
Gentlemen, I've read
the book of your show,
and as your legal advisor,
I'm writing to let you know...
that it really
can't be done.
I know it's all in fun,
but there is a state
called Louisiana,
and anyone can tell that
they're gonna be sore as...
Well, you won't
get away with it.
They'll sue you...
and the writers
and the actors too.
Because there are laws,
laws that specifically
you can't write a book
or a play...
based on characters
living today.
Yes, the cast
will go to jail,
of that I have no doubt.
But speaking
as your attorney...
? Let me say that
there is a way out?
? You can make
the whole thing legal?
? Without changing
a line in your book?
? It can still be
? You can call
a crook a crook?
? But you must say
it's based on fiction?
? And everything
will be fine?
? Yours truly
Sam Horowitz?
? Of Rafferty, Driscoll
and O'Brien?
? Before the picture starts
we say with all our hearts?
? The characters portrayed
in our musical charade?
? Have not been based on
persons living or dead?
? They've all been made up
out of the author's head?
? The politicians
we investigate?
? Could come from Kansas
Maine or Indiana?
? So we laid our story
in the mythical state?
? A mythical state
we call Louisiana?
? Within our simple plot
you'll notice quite a lot?
? Of references to crooks
who have monkeyed with
their books?
? The law says
shows like this one?
? Can get by
with one restriction?
? It must be fiction?
? We've tried to stay
within the law?
? That's why
we laid the scenes?
? In New Orleans?
? A city we've invented so that
there would be no fuss?
? If there is such a place
it's certainly news to us?
? Yes, it's certainly
certainly news to us?
? Mythical, mythical
fiction, fiction?
? Mythical, mythical
fiction, fiction?
? Mythical fiction,
mythical fiction, ah??
You're tellin' me. Huh!
Where's Whitfield?
I've got to get back
to the commencement
Oh, no, you don't. We're
all in on this together.
Now, keep calm, son.
Keep calm.
We've been investigated before,
and we'll be investigated again.
Yeah, but we've never had
Oliver P. Loganberry before.
They don't call him the watchdog
of the senate for nothin'.
Senator Loganberry.
Where does he
hail from?
[Young Man]
Some New England state.
I thought so. Nothin' but
a doggone Yankee carpetbagger.
He'll give us
a fair trial.
If we get a
fair trial, they'll hang us.
But think
of the college.
If it ever comes out
that the head of the
English department...
signs his name
with an "X"...
Well, let's drink up.
They tell me the liquor
at Leavenworth...
ain't fit for man
nor beast.
[Door Opening]
Well, Captain Whitfield,
I'm glad you're here.
I always feel a lot safer
with the police force around.
Well, boys,
we're in for it.
We're in for it?
Now wait a minute, fellas.
Don't pin it on me.
But after all,
they expect it
from you, Captain.
What? Whose idea was it...
to make the football team
share their salaries with us?
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
don't let's fight
among ourselves.
A house divided
must fall.
If it's gotta fall,
let it fall on Jim Taylor.
But he doesn't know
what's going on.
That's the point.
Being innocent,
he won't seem guilty...
when they get him
on the stand.
That's right.
We made him president
of the Louisiana
Purchasing Company.
We even got him elected
to the state legislature.
And what's he ever done?
Nothing but sit on his seat
at the state capitol,
taking our honest money
and acting like a big shot
while we do the dirty work.
We put him in there
in case a situation
like this came up.
Now let him
earn his keep.
You'd better figure
something out quick.
He'll be here any minute.
It's simple. Jim Taylor
gave us his power
of attorney, didn't he?
Every deal we've made,
we've made in his name.
Hello, Mr. Taylor.
Hello, Sam.
With you home again,
New Orleans looks
more like New Orleans.
What did it look like
without me?
New Orleans!
I'll be back
in a few minutes, boys.
Here's the cards.
Play a little rummy.
Cut out the gin this time.
Yes, sir.
Hello, Jim.
Glad you're back.
So am I. Thanks.
that's wonderful!
Well, hello, fellas.
What's cooking?
Well, well...
nothing's changed.
You're just the way I left you.
Jim, I have
bad news for you.
Looks like
your trial's
coming up.
My trial?
You know, for all that lumber
you sold the college?
When did I sell
the college lumber?
The day after you left.
Oh, we paid
for it, all right,
but the following month
you sent the college
another bill,
and through some mistake,
the college paid your
company again.
Wait a minute. Why do you
keep calling it my company?
It is your company.
We used your power of attorney
to put it all in your name.
Maybe if I sent back
the second check with
a sweet little note...
they might think
it's an oversight?
We could
explain the second check.
What you've got
to worry about
is the third check.
Yeah... I do?
does anybody got a funnel?
How much lumber
did I sell the college?
$25,000 worth.
$25,000 worth?
Say, the Louisiana
Purchasing Company...
wasn't in the lumber
business when I left.
Where did I get all
that wood?
It's a little
You remember the lumber
the government gave
the city...
to build
that new high school?
Don't tell me I swiped
the lumber from the government.
You shouldn't have done it.
Why monkey with
the federal government?
Oh. The rough idea is
I swipe the lumber,
then I charge them
for swiping it,
then I sold it every month.
Am I a genius. Hey,
that's crooked, ain't it?
Yeah. Well, I'll never
forget you boys...
for the way
you've trusted me,
but the responsibility
is too great.
You can sell my seat
in the legislature
to the highest bidder.
I'm learning to rumba,
so I'm flying to Havana tonight.
So long, fellas. Ha.
Pardon me, I'd...
Is this him?
Yep, that's him.
Okay, you're pardoned...
with pleasure.
I got his fingerprints.
We ge...
That's about it, Jim.
Do you see what
we mean?
I see. I'm gonna get
a convoy.
All you've got to do
is to get the senator
in a compromising situation.
Compromise him? He doesn't
drink, smoke or play cards.
Every time he lies down,
they muffle a bugle
and play "Taps."
Well, how about women?
Loganberry's 60 years old
and has never kissed a woman.
He's been in "Ripley"
three times.
Get him a girl,
we'll make him think
he's 19 again.
You expect me to do that
with a power of attorney?
If you don't,
you'll regret it...
for the next 20 years
of your life.
Okay, I'll try.
After all, if the government
could fertilize the dust bowl...
I ought to be able to do
something with Loganberry.
Will you join me?
Hello, Oscar.
Hello, Mr. Taylor.
Can I have one?
Hello, Mr. Taylor.
Next year you'll be
buyin' papers from me.
Here, you can look
at the pictures.
Extra! Paper!
Read all about it!
Get your evening news!
Extra! Paper!
Read all about it!
You got a slug, slug?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, no, no, not that kind.
Just the phone.
Help yourself.
Hmm. Make your own, huh?
Hello, Madame Bordelaise's
Cafe? This is Jimmy Taylor.
Let me talk to Madame.
[Indistinct Chatter]
Too many cooks
spoil the... Madame!
Mr. Taylor
on telephone.
Jimmy? When did he
get back?
Hello, Jimmy.
Welcome home to New Orleans.
I'll be over.
I'm in trouble.
Certainly I'll help you.
Who is the girl?
No, this time something else
got me in trouble.
It wasn't legs,
it was logs. Good-bye.
I'm gonna be busy,
so you can take
the afternoon off.
Spend some time with
your father and mother,
if there's
visiting hours today.
Oh, excuse me, please.
Is this Madame Bordelaise's
Yes, mademoiselle.
May I see her, please?
We are very old friends.
Oh, my little Marina.
You here in Louisiana.
What a surprise.
Yvonne. This is a bigger
surprise for me.
You have not changed
in ten years.
Oh, but you have.
You were such
a little girl.
What a beautiful place.
Oh, I'm so happy
to see you.
Now, sit down.
How is your mother?
Well, I trust.
No, she's not well,
I trust.
She's still in Vienna.
Oh, health is all right,
but money and things...
I want to get mama
a passport too,
but she needs $500
to come over.
I just paid my mortgage,
but I'll get it.
No, no, no.
I don't want you
to give it to me.
I want a job,
any kind of a job.
I can dance
or scrub the floors...
or wash the dishes
or anything.
But the estate.
First we sold one part
of the estate,
and then another,
and then came Anschluss.
You know... liberation.
They liberated the rest
of the estate from us.
Of course they left us
the gardener's cabin.
Mon dieu.
Oh, it wasn't bad.
The gardener had some cows.
First we sold the milk,
then the cows.
And then what?
Then last year I got
a passport for America.
I have my first
citizen papers already.
In a few years
I get my second papers,
and then I'll go on relief.
Heil Roosevelt!
Ah, bonjour, monsieur.
Voulez-vous prendre
cette table ici, peut-etre...
tres bien, je vous assirai
et personne ne vous
How do you do?
La tempete est belle dans
New Orleans, n'est-ce pas?
Thank you.
Et maintenant, monsieur,
voulez vous choisir?
This is in French too.
Well, could I order
something in English?
Monsieur would like to
have something to drink
before dinner?
No, I'll just take my usual:
A glass of hot water.
Hot water?
Yeah, that's good for you
before a meal.
Oh, very well,
but, uh...
now, what about
something to eat?
I will suggest
some oysters.
I knew you were going
to say that.
Every time I go
in a restaurant,
a waiter takes
one look at me...
and suggests oysters.
I don't understand it.
But, monsieur,
this is New Orleans,
the home of oysters.
I've had waiters
suggest it to me
in Nebraska,
and Nebraska ain't
the home of oysters.
Oh, but you see,
the waiter realizes
that monsieur is
a connoisseur about food,
so naturally
he suggests oysters.
Say, maybe that's it.
All right, I might
have some oysters.
May I suggest
a New Orleans speciality?
Oysters Rockefeller.
Oysters Rockefeller?
Oh, no, you don't.
What's the matter?
A man in my profession
can't afford...
to have his name associated
with Rockefeller.
What is your profession?
Bend over.
I don't want this
to get around,
but I'm a senator,
a United States senator.
We're supposed
to knock big business
all the time, see?
We can't have anything
to do with Rockefeller.
Oh. I understand.
I can't even go
to Radio City.
That is sad.
So I guess we'd better
skip the oysters?
Well, then, uh...
what about some soup?
Nah. That's practically
hot water,
and I'm having that
I tell you what:
You bring me
a ham sandwich...
and a cup of coffee.
A ham sandwich?
In Bordelaise's,
the best restaurant
in New Orleans?
Oh! What an insult!
What's the matter?
We are not in the habit
of serving ham sandwich
in Bordelaise's.
Oh, I get it.
A kosher restaurant, huh?
Well, that's all right.
Bring me a hot pastrami
on rye.
A hot pastrami?
I like that too.
Oh! Gaston!
Oui, Madame?
Have the gentleman
served immediately.
Il veut de I'eau chaude
et du hot pastrami.
Tu t'imagines,
chez Bordelaise?
On a pas d'ide
d'une chose pareille.
Aussi donne lui un sandwich...
de n'importe quoi et
ca fera la rue michel.
With mustard.
I suppose it's quite
an honor to you...
having a senator
eat here.
We've had
a lot of senators.
And we've had ambassadors
and presidents.
Is that so?
Uh, President Roosevelt
ever eat here?
No, but we had Coolidge
and Hoover.
Ah, Coolidge and Hoover.
Well, in those days
it was still legal...
for a Republican
to be president.
Why? Isn't it
legal anymore?
It hasn't come up recently,
but if it ever does,
I don't think
the new supreme court...
would declare it
Voila, monsieur.
C'est un bon client,
n'est-ce pas?
Quel ballot!
Tais-toi! Tais-toi!
On a pas d'ide
d'une chose pareille!
Don't do that.
This is a pretty
expensive place.
You'd better wait outside.
Jimmy Taylor!
Is it really you?
This is a fine time
to make sure.
I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, thanks.
Mr. Taylor?
You're just the man
I'm looking for.
I'm busy now, shorty,
and I have all the
insurance I can carry.
What I want you to do,
Bordy, I wa... come in.
What's this?
My card.
I told you I'm busy.
I don't even know who you are.
That's the reason
I gave you my card,
so you'd know.
"Mr. Oliver P. Loganberry."
I'll see you later, Bordy.
All right.
I'll be around.
So you're
Senator Loganberry.
Well... heh heh.
Uh... do you want to come
over to my table with me...
while I finish
my sandwich?
The reason I want to
go over to my table is...
because they got
the mustard over there.
The mustard.
Oh, uh... could I offer you
a piece of this?
No, thanks, Senator.
It would stick
in my throat.
Well, then I'll just go
right ahead.
It's quite a coincidence,
my running into you this way.
Yes, sir, it certainly is
a small restaurant.
I was afraid I'd have to send
J. Edgar Hoover after you.
Oh, well, we wouldn't want
to trouble him, would we?
What was it you wanted
to see me about, Senator?
You're the president of
the Louisiana Purchasing
Company, aren't you?
Well, I was.
What do you mean, "was"?
We elected a new
president today.
We felt like we needed
new blood...
and we'd like to give
the young fellas a chance.
I see.
I'm glad to have
met you, Senator.
If there's any I can do
to make your stay pleasant,
just call.
That's very nice
of you.
Hey! Wait a minute.
There is something
you can do.
What's that?
I'd like to see
your books.
Books? Uh...
Why read that old stuff?
There's a circulating
library right...
No, I don't want to read,
I just want to add up.
Mmm. Well, that's too bad.
Didn't you hear about
the fire we're having?
I mean had.
It destroyed
all our records.
It started out
as a hotfoot,
but it got away from us.
That's too bad.
Much damage?
No, the fire
was confined to the
bookkeeping department.
Destroyed all our records
of sales, checks,
valuable papers,
but the rest
of the building
is still intact...
and no lives were lost.
That was pretty fortunate.
So, as much as I'd
like to cooperate,
I can't show you
our books.
Of course not.
All burned up.
A beautiful set
of books they were too.
I'll betcha.
Made out by the best
certified public accountant
money could convince.
You mean Simpson.
Yeah, he's a good man.
I guess I'm lucky.
What do you mean?
When I got to town,
the first thing I did
was to go to Simpson...
and subpoena his
duplicate set
of your accounts.
I got 'em right here
with me.
It's a very interesting
Only they, uh...
the figures don't
add up right.
I've gone over it
very carefully
from every angle.
I've had it checked,
rechecked and certified.
You certainly seem
to think of everything,
Just a case of experience.
I've been in politics
for thirty years now.
When my side,
the Republicans, are in,
they tell me all the tricks
they pull and...
when the Democrats get in,
I know just what to look for.
- You fellas have to keep
an eye on each other.
- Mm-hmm.
It's a good thing
for the American people
we do.
That's the only reason
they still have shirts.
Well, uh...
I... I don't suppose
there's any way you could
forget about this, Senator?
No way I can see.
Might even get you
ten years extra
just for asking me.
Oh, uh... waiter.
Oui, monsieur.
Bring me the check,
Monsieur, check.
Voila, monsieur.
90 cents.
Oui, monsieur.
That's enough.
Any place that'll
charge 90 cents...
for a sandwich
and a cup of coffee...
can't be respectable.
There's a dollar.
That's ten cents
for you.
Merci, monsieur.
He didn't even say
thank you.
Well, I've enjoyed
this little talk,
I'm very glad to have
met you, Mr. Taylor.
I suppose I'll be
seeing you again
in the state capitol.
Look for me.
I'm in the sixth row
on the aisle.
Oh, uh...
If you want to keep
that briefcase...
to look over those records,
it's all right,
because I had a lot
of copies made anyhow.
Something's the matter,
no? Yes?
the matter, yes.
The senator. He's going
to send us all to jail
for 1,000 years apiece...
unless we get him first.
Besides that, the gang'll
probably bump me off.
I've got to do something,
and you can help.
Sure. But how?
I need a girl
to go after the senator,
a girl with plenty
of ants.
She can have relatives too,
but she's gotta have ants.
Ants. You know,
flies that have been
Yvonne, I've been
looking for...
Jimmy, look!
From heaven!
She must've had
a rough trip down.
But that's what you wanted:
Nice, sweet, demure.
But what about the ants?
She has no ants.
What I'm after is ants.
You should go
on a picnic.
Listen, Jimmy...
an archduke and a baron,
for this girl they killed
And then there was
the count of Budapest.
There's no count
of Budapest.
No. No more.
He kill himself.
You mustn't say
such things, Yvonne.
Yes, I'll say it. Let him
know how good you are.
Mr. Taylor wants
to engage you.
You want to engage
with me?
Well, yes, I...
But I do not love you,
and I do not engage
unless I love.
What's playing with her?
Oh, no, no, no, darling,
you don't understand.
Mr. Taylor wants to
give you a job.
Good! What kind
of a job?
Well, it won't pay much.
Only $500.
For $500, I can get
a truckload of girls
and two tons of caviar.
Never mind the caviar.
I'll take the $500.
She works fast.
Tell him what I did
to the crown prince.
Oh, yes.
I know.
"He keel himself."
Oh, you read about it
in the paper.
Yes. In the
"Budapest Bugle."
Come here.
She's not a bad-lookin' girl,
but if she's such a killer,
what's with those clothes?
She looks like a fugitive
from a down payment.
Oh, well, you see...
when she ran away
from the baron, she left
everything behind:
Her jewels, her clothes,
Well, not everything.
So you know a lot
about men, huh?
Maybe you do not
think so.
Well, it's
barely possible.
So you think
I'm barely possible.
Well, you might even go
a little further than that.
Oh, I'm sure I could.
Like this.
Turn it off. You'll
wear out your battery.
You get the job.
I do?
Now turn it on again.
What do I do?
I'll arrange for you
to have dinner...
with the senator tomorrow night,
then you can do your stuff.
My, uh... stuff?
You know,
the old stufferoo.
My, uh... stufferoo?
But not all of it.
I don't want him
to "keel himself."
I'll try to hold back.
I don't give him all
the stufferoo,
I just give him half.
She must have new clothes.
I knew you'd say
something like that.
What you want her to do,
go without any?
Suppose I pick you up
about 1:00 and we go
on a shopping tour?
Shopping. Shopping?
And Jimmy, don't worry.
You've picked
the right girl.
If I haven't, you can tell
the archduke and those
other suicides to move over.
Tomorrow at 1:00?
Ants. She's loaded.
Oh, Jimmy,
this is wonderful.
I want to look like
an American girl.
Let's buy, buy,
buy, buy.
You talk like one already.
Good morning.
May I assist you?
Thanks. We'd like to see
some clothes for a senator.
Something that'll appeal to
a disintegrating Don Juan.
I wouldn't call you old, sir.
Well, isn't...
You would if you knew
what I had on my mind.
This way, please.
May I show you
something, sir?
No, thanks. I seen it.
Your young lady
should look very well
in clothes.
She's the type
who can take 'em
or leave 'em.
I'm not his young lady.
I'm his business.
You're entitled to
your own opinion, but
you can be wrong too.
Hello there.
Who's that?
A friend of mine
who's been on my
tail for days.
He's practically
a bustle.
These are the latest
sport models.
Sports, huh? Have you
anything appropriate for
trapping an old goat?
Oh, they're lovely.
I can hardly wait
to put myself in them.
Oh. I'll take
that and that and...
Don't mind her.
She stutters.
Very good.
Very good?
She's batting
a thousand.
We're really
interested in some
sheer, clinging,
low-necked overalls
for night work.
You got that type
of thing?
Of course.
Oh, you have, eh?
strap me down.
Oh. So that's
the kind you are.
You mean
there's another kind?
Is that what they mean
by the open door policy?
Well, they're
I'll take them all.
Yes, I would...
Now I know why
all those noblemen
shot themselves.
Say, does fluid drive
come with this model?
That reminds me: I must
get some vitamin B pills.
Oh, what a country.
Say, come to think of it,
shouldn't you have
a bathing suit?
The senator
might drool.
We'd like to see some
bathing suits.
Filled, of course.
What a racket.
[Wolf Whistle]
Please, Malcolm,
let's dispense with those
long and low whistles...
and the thought behind them.
Chicken under glass.
These are all
next season's models.
Yeah? Let's see
the season after next.
Ha ha. Thank you, Jimmy,
and good-bye.
Wait for me downstairs.
I may be out much quicker
than I think.
All right, but don't
think I'm a dope.
Don't pull nothin'.
Mind reader.
Wha... I thought
we made good-bye.
Well, we make hello
Is there something else?
Are you kiddin'?
I hate to shop and run.
Besides, if you're going
to tackle the senator,
we'd better have
a rehearsal.
How will we rehearse?
We'll go through
the motions.
I'll pretend to be
the senator, and you
pour on the stufferoo.
Stufferoo? Oh, no.
I pour on the stufferoo
Oh, no.
Look, I'm the senator.
What are you doing
in my room?
Must I call
the house detective?
But, Senator,
you do not understand.
I have come here specially
to make this visit with you.
Young lady, I know
just what you're
lobbying for, and...
you've got
a beautiful lobby.
But, Senator, I do not
want to lobby with you.
This means very many to me,
alone... like this.
you're the senator.
Loganberry never
felt like this.
Please, Jimmy,
one man at a time.
First I must get the senator
in a promising position.
Okay, but remember,
after you've finished
with Loganberry,
I want a chance
to blow my brains out.
Well, I've never seen
a cleaner-lookin' bunch
of vultures.
I hope you've thought
of something good.
I've procured the services
of one of the world's
most dangerous women,
including the Scandinavian.
Miss Marina's
in there, sir.
This is it. Thanks, Sam.
Let's take a look.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Wait a minute, boys.
This is to get us out of a jam.
What she hasn't got,
she doesn't need.
What she doesn't need
is good enough for me.
I'll buy that.
I'm not late, am I?
How do you like?
I like fine.
I knew you'd
come through, Jim.
Yes, sir. From here in,
we'll leave it all to you.
Boy, if she was black,
she'd be beautiful.
I'll call the senator
and make an appointment.
Take these. You know
what to do with 'em.
Shoot him
from every angle.
Hello. Give me
Senator Loganberry's
room, please.
I've been with him
all afternoon. We're
practically bosom pals.
Hello, Oliver,
this is Jim.
Jim Taylor.
You know, Louisiana
Purchasing Company,
the one whose
books are short?
Well, this is shorty.
Meet you?
Wh... I'm in bed,
practically. Um, it's...
it's s... s...
18 minutes past seven,
and I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
He's shy.
He wants to be coaxed.
Meet me at Madame Bordelaise's
and I'll give you the lowdown.
I've been telling him
all about her.
Boy, is he steamed up.
You mean you're ready
to turn state's evidence?
Oh, sure. Anything you want,
from soup to nuts.
Well, that's fine. Fine.
You see, I gotta get back
to my home state...
and start campaigning
for re-election,
or I'm liable to lose
my senatorial seat.
Well, you've got
an awful lot to lose, Senator.
Okay, it's a date.
Boys, I have to give Marina
a final polishing job,
so meet me there, will ya?
You think I got
the, uh... ants?
Honey, you're
covered with 'em.
I have a lot of fun with you
when you take me shopping.
I have a lot of fun
when you take me.
Good. I like two people
should have fun together.
Well, we could have a lot
of fun together, but...
business before business.
You see, you're my private
You tell the senator
I'll be a little late...
and that you can explain
things till I get there.
What I explain?
You're not going to explain.
When he opens his books,
you get to work.
I'm counting on your figure
to make him forget ours.
You like my figure?
There are a lot of things
I like about you, only...
Only what?
Well, there are some things
I don't like.
All those noblemen,
for one thing.
Oh, but they are dead.
Yes, but there they are.
But you are different.
You are not noble.
I see. You never
have any trouble
with the peasants.
No. Heh heh.
Ah, good evening,
Good evening.
Please go in. Go in.
Say, what is this?
Where's Taylor?
He's to meet you here.
This is our private
dining room.
Oh, yeah. I never been
in one of these before.
Won't you sit down,
That was awful good pastrami
I had yesterday.
Oh, I'm glad
you liked it.
Pardon me. Are you
Madame Bordelaise?
I'm Marina Von Minden.
Is Senator Loganberry here?
Yeah, that's me.
I'm Mr. Taylor's
private secretary.
He will come later.
While we are waiting,
I can explain anything.
Oh, well, won't you
sit down 'til he comes?
Thank you.
While you are waiting,
may I send you up
some of your hot water?
That's a good idea.
Will you have some?
Hot water?
No, thanks,
I just have my bath.
Uh... well,
this isn't for bathing,
it's for drinking.
No, thanks,
I do not like it.
Could I
offer you something else?
Some cold water, maybe.
Hot water? Cold water?
I think you are old foof.
Oh, old foof!
Oh, yes.
We have very good
old foof. 1880.
I'll send it right up.
What is this old foof?
I hope it's nothing
They tell me so many girls
drink liquor nowadays.
Not me. I believe in...
Uh, pardon me.
What sort of an accent
is that you have?
Oh, that's Viennese.
I'm not here very long.
I see.
You, uh... live here
with your family?
No. My mother's
still over there.
I can't
bring her over yet.
Why not?
Those dirty, stinking
immigration laws.
Immigration laws.
I wrote them.
Perhaps you could
bring her over here.
Oh, sure I could.
Like that.
But she'd have to
have $500.
Oh, she'll have that,
all right.
I'm getting it tonight.
Oh. Well, uh...
what is her name?
Countess Maritza Von Minden,
32 Josefstrasse, Vienna.
32... Josefstrasse?
Josef... Strasse.
Uh, how do you spell that?
Yaht-O-S-E-F... Strasse.
You better write it.
Your mother
is a countess?
How did that happen?
Very simple.
My father was a count.
Well, that sounds
I'll send a wire tonight,
and she can come over
as a visitor...
under my protection.
How's that?
Oh, Senator.
Oh, you didn't
have to do that.
[French Accent]
Ahem. Senator Loganberry?
I have the honor
to present myself.
I am Madame Bordelaise's
head waiter. I am Jacques.
Hiya, Jacques.
Madame Bordelaise told me
to take good care of you,
and I am going to give it
to you... good!
Observe. Voila!
My staff.
Pierre, Albert, Robert...
and, uh... polar bear.
They certainly give you
good service here.
Five waiters for a glass
of hot water.
Albert. This way.
Senator. Observe.
What is that?
This is pure Mississippi
River water.
Temperature is
as you wish?
that's about right.
River water, huh?
Would you mind
putting a squirt
of lemon in it for me?
A squirt? A squirt!
A lemon? Certainement.
Oui oui. Tout suite.
Lemon! Voila! Voila!
Take it on ze lam.
Warm it up out zere.
[Indistinct Chatter]
Lemon? Ha-ha-ha!
A little hot water for
the senator, polar bear?
Oh, yes.
Little hot water.
Very little.
Pierre, a little vitamin A
for the senator. Thank you.
Albert, a little pinch
of salt for the senator.
A little pinch of salt
with a slight gin flavor.
Robert, a little
squirt of lemon.
The everlovin'
squirt of lemon
for the senator...
and stir well before
tasting. Ah ha ha.
I taste.
Monsieur. Hot water
for the senator,
and the old foof
for the mademoiselle.
You taste, please.
Pure Mississippi
River water, eh?
You sure?
Look, there's a piece
of the levy.
Gulp! Uhh...
uh... whew.
That's a little hot.
The senator will blow on it
or fan it with his hat.
Yes, that's better,
but it tastes different...
from what I had
It don't seem to be hot,
but still it burns
going down.
I guess it's stronger.
That's the "whitamin"
It has the "whitamins"
S, O, U, S and E.
Yesterday we have on hand
only the Missouri water.
The Missouri water
is much weaker than
the Mississippi water,
but you prefer the Missouri...
No, I'm beginning
to like this.
Oh, you make me so happy.
Oh. Very happy.
Oh. Don't worry, Senator.
I'll take it off your check.
Vamoose. Amera-cays.
Oh... oh... oh, Jack.
Some more hot water.
One more of these and he'll
be higher than the B-19.
I think I've seen that
waiter someplace before.
Oh, Jack, haven't I seen you
someplace before?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe it was Paris,
where I was head waiter
at the Petite Poulet?
No, I never been to Paris.
Maybe it was
That could be it.
Washington. Let's drink
to Washington.
To Washington, B.C.
Washington... [Mumbles]
Gulp! Washington.
Every time I think
of Washington, I could cry.
There's a couple of guys
in Europe who feel
the same way.
Oh, don't cry,
I was just feeling
a little homesick...
for Washington.
I don't know anybody
in New Orleans.
Everybody I try
to get in touch with...
doesn't want to see me.
Well, I know
how you feel.
I don't recognize
many people here either.
You don't?
I just work
for Mr. Taylor.
After I finish my work,
I go home right away...
so I can worry
by myself.
That's the saddest story
I ever heard.
I'm lonely too.
Why, even when I
get up in the senate
to make a speech...
I'm all alone.
? You're lonely?
? And I'm lonely?
? So why can't we?
? Be lonely together?
? The night is young
and while it grows older?
? We can forget?
? Crying on
each other's shoulder?
? The sky's cloudy?
? 'Cause we're lonely?
? But soon we'll see?
? A change
in the weather?
? Two lonely hearts
beating as one?
? Can be miserable?
? And still have a lot of fun?
Ah ha-ha-ha.
? You're lonely?
? And I'm lonely?
? So why can't we?
? Be lonely together?
? The night is young
and while it grows older?
? We can forget?
? Crying on
each other's shoulder?
? The sky's cloudy?
? Cause we're lonely?
? But soon we'll see?
? So why... see?
? A change in the weather?
? Two lonely hearts
beating as one?
? Can be miserable?
? And still have a lot
of fun??
Oh, say,
that was beautiful.
Oh, really?
Oh, Jack!
Some more hot water!
Oh, Jack!
Some more hot water!
First time the Mississippi
ever emptied into a senator.
[French Accent]
Zere you are.
Uh, thanks. Oh, golly.
I wish I could remember
who you remind me of.
Oh, don't worry, Senator.
It will come to you.
- [Hiccup]
- Don't reach for it.
It'll come to you.
I guess the Mississippi
[Hiccup] is repeating on me.
Sounds more like
the levy eez breaking.
Mademoiselle, I have
a telephone message
for you... private.
You will pardon me,
Oh, sure.
Go right ahead.
I've run out of
conversation anyhow.
We're all set.
All you've gotta do...
is get on this guy's lap
long enough for us to
take a picture.
Do I got to?
He's such a sweet man.
Do you want me to spend
my life in jail...
or floating
down the river in
a barrel of cement?
No, Jimmy.
Then give him the works.
Okay, I'll give him
the works,
but I don't like it.
? Oh, my darling
Nellie Gray?
? Oh, my darling
Nellie Gray?
? They have
taken you away?
Mmm. Was it anything
No. It is Mr. Taylor.
He say excuse him,
he'll be here
in 10 minutes.
Mr. Taylor?
He wanted to see me
about somethin',
didn't he?
Oh! Oh, goodness.
What's the matter?
I got a ruin
in my stocking.
Oh! You think
that's anything? Look.
Ha-ha! Oh, say,
maybe we ought to have
something to eat, huh?
Uh... oh, Jack!
Oh, no.
Ain't you hungry?
No, I am on a diet.
What's the matter,
another stocking?
No, I've got something
in my eye.
Oh, that's too bad.
Maybe I ought to get
a doctor.
Oh, no, Senator.
I think maybe you
can get it out.
Have you got
a handkerchief?
A handkerchief?
I had a handkerchief.
What did I do with it?
I got it here somepl...
Here it is.
Uh... which eye is it in?
I think it's this one.
I don't see anything.
Maybe it's
the other one.
It must be
the other one.
I think it's better
if you sit down.
And I also sit down.
Now can you see better?
Oh, yeah, I think
I see somethin'.
How's that?
That's much better.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Say, this is funny,
isn't it?
You're sitting
on my lap, ain't ya?
Oh, yes.
That's what I thought.
Do you like it?
I love it.
Uh, what was that?
Oh, that,
like a big flash?
That was love.
Oh. Say, let me sit
on your lap, will ya?
Oh, no. No.
I just want to try it.
I never sat on a girl's lap.
I just wanna try it.
Are you all ready?
Here I come. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Are you comfortable?
I don't mind it a bit.
How do you feel?
I feel just like
Charlie McCarthy.
Hello, Mr. Bergen.
Hello, Charlie.
Am I wrinkling your dress?
No, I don't think so.
I don't want to wrinkle
such a pretty dress.
I'm glad I'm not
wrinklin'- in'- in'- in'.
Heh, heh. Are you...
Are you... Are you sure...
I'm not too heavy for you?
No, not for me.
I'm afraid I'm too heavy.
I weigh almost 200 pounds.
I... Oh ho-ho!
I... You mustn't do that.
Peeping toms. Now, you were
sitting right there,
ze young lady was
sitting on your lap,
your heads were together,
you were making love,
and you were making
that $500 smile.
Close-up, close-up.
Follow me.
Were we like thi...
There goes love again!
You get everything
you need?
I got him from every angle
in the U.S. Camera Guide.
Oh, Senator?
How about a little nightcap?
- Nightcap?
- Yeah, just try this on
for size.
Ooh! I just happened
to think of somethin'.
I just remembered
who he reminds me of.
Jim Taylor.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Jim Taylor?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes.
If you didn't
have a mustache,
you'd be the spittin' image
of Jim Taylor.
Oh, you mean like this?
No, wrong again!
I've bought you a costume.
Wait until you see it.
You'll be the sensation
of the Mardi Gras.
Will I?
Oh, what's wrong, Marina?
You should be very excited.
Think of it. Mardi Gras
comes only once a year.
?? ["Louisiana Purchase"]
?? New Orleans, New Orleans?
? Louisiana purchase
I'll tell you what it means?
? It means I'd like
to sell you New Orleans?
? Come on, come on
and you all can go to town?
? Way down in New Orleans?
? Louisiana salesman
with nothing in his jeans?
? That's why I'd like
to sell you New Orleans?
? Come on, come on and do all
the things there are to do?
? In New Orleans?
? Where'd ya think
that heat comes from?
? That rhythmic beat
comes from?
? And that red meat comes from?
? New Orleans?
? Louisiana purchase
I've told you what it means?
? So won't you let me
sell you New Orleans?
? Come on, come on,
come on, come on along?
? Come on way down
to New Orleans?
? Louisiana purchase
I'll tell you what it means?
? It means I'd like
to sell you New Orleans?
? Come on, come on and do all
the things there are to do?
? In New Orleans
New Orleans?
? Where does
that heat come from?
? That rhythmic beat
come from?
? Where does that heat
that rhythmic beat?
? And that red meat come from?
? Louisiana?
? Loui-Louisiana?
? Come on along
come on along, come on along
then you can go all to town?
? Way down in New Orleans?
? Louisiana purchase?
? I'll tell you what it means?
? It means I'd like
to sell you New Orleans?
? That new, new, New Orleans?
? Where do you think
that heat comes from?
? [Scatting]?
? Where do you think
that beat comes from?
? [Scatting]?
? And that red meat comes from?
? [Scatting]?
? New Orleans?
? Louisiana purchase?
? Yeah, New Orleans?
? I've told you what it means?
? So won't you let me
sell you New Orleans?
? Come on along
come on, come on?
? Come on along?
? To New Orleans?
? To New Orleans??
Look, there's Jimmy. Jimmy!
Oh, Jimmy!
Pause, James!
Long live King Taylor!
Here, press this for me!
Hey, what is this?
Five hundred dollars.
My payoff!
Hey! Hey!
[Indistinct Chatter]
To Mardi Gras! To Mardi Gras!
To Mardi Gras!
[Indistinct Chatter]
I want you boys to be the first
to know, now that we have
Loganberry where we want him...
and jail isn't staring us
in the face, Emmy Lou and I
are gonna get married.
Good for you!
I love him so much,
I could just die.
Uh-huh! She's always saying
that, but she never does!
Senator, I've been
looking all over for you.
I haven't
thanked you enough.
Now, you...
You'll have to
break yourself
of that habit.
Don't you like it?
It's from my heart.
Well, I can't help where
it's from. I've got to
be a little careful.
You see,
I'm a dark horse.
Well, you look
all right to me.
No, you don't understand.
That's another expression...
for somebody who thinks
he can be president.
Yeah, I've been a dark horse
for the last nine elections.
Ever since you were
a little pony?
They tried to give it to me
in 1940, but I outsmarted 'em.
But next time,
I think I'll have a chance.
I'll show you how it figures.
There are 22,000,000 Republicans
who will vote the ticket...
even if we put up
Li'I Abner.
Is he a Republican?
And this investigation should
be worth at least 5,000,000.
The public loves
a good crusade.
Makes 'em think
that we're looking out
for their interests.
Oh, I'm glad
I came to America.
It's wonderful.
Marina, would you mind
trying a dance with me?
Of course! Come on.
Well, Senator,
I've been looking
all over for you.
No wonder I didn't recognize
you. What are you supposed
to be, a used laundry bag?
No, I'm still a senator.
I'm an old Roman now.
An old Roman!
Quite a Colosseum
you got there. Look...
What is it?
I want to show you a picture
I found in an Easter egg.
Come here a second.
Senator, I want you to meet
some members of the old
and now defunct firm.
Colonel Davis, Senior
and Junior, Dean Manning
and Captain Whitfield.
How do you do?
How are you, gentlemen?
You look like
a nice bunch of fellas.
I'm sorry I've got to do
what I got to do,
but I gotta do it.
You may not have to, Senator.
Here, take a look at this
and hold on to your eyebrows.
It looks like a drunk.
Correct, Senator.
You hit the nail right on
your head. Get a good look,
you may recognize who it is.
Say, wait a minute.
That looks like me.
That's right.
That's either you
or a reasonably
plastered facsimile.
I was never drunk.
No? Then how'd that
girl get in your lap?
Don't tell me that was
the only chair in the room.
I never had a drink in my life.
All I had last night was
some Mississippi River water.
I got a witness.
I'll take this and give
you three witnesses
and six points.
Why, even your own
secretary can...
That girl.
Say, that's you.
Oh, I begin to get it.
It was a frame-up
and she was in on it.
We're willing to leave that
to the American people or
Dr. Gallup. Take your choice.
You mean you're
going to print this?
Not necessarily.
If you called off
the investigation,
we could forget about this.
You come down
with amnesia
and we'll catch it.
There's a train pulling out
of here at midnight.
I'll give you a police escort.
What do you say,
Well, I guess
I'll have to take it.
I got a record of 30 years
in the senate...
but it wouldn't hold up
against this picture.
You're a pretty smart
fellow, Mr. Taylor.
I kind of wish
you were a Republican.
No hard feelings,
No, no hard feelings.
After all,
it's only politics.
Only it might've been nice
to have had a chance...
to be president.
My sister
would've liked it.
You get your name
in all the history books
with the other presidents.
Other presidents?
You mean there was somebody
before Roosevelt?
Wait a minute.
Let me see that picture.
There's nothing bad about this.
No, maybe not for you.
But it'd mean ruin to me.
Anyway, you got
your mother in.
You're still going
to bring her over?
I'm not going
to stop it now.
That'd be pretty cheap
revenge, wouldn't it?
No wonder I love you.
Sure, that's why you
lov... What? Love?
You call that love?
Why, you're almost old
enough to be his daughter.
The senator and I got engaged
last night and here we are
celebrating before the marriage.
I smell a rat with
a Viennese accent.
Do you mean to say...
Do not try to hide it
from them, Oliver.
You know I proposed
and you accepted.
Are you sure?
You're a little hysterical.
Why don't you creep off and hold
your breath a little too long?
Go ahead and try and print
those pictures! You know
who they will hurt? You!
Snooping on two people who
are engaged. No decent paper
will print it and you know it!
If we're engaged,
this is blackmail!
Who's double-crossing who?
Let's be fair
about this.
I am double-crossing nobody.
I did your job.
Can I help it
if I fell in love?
You fell in love with
a 60-year-old foof?
I am not a foof!
I know.
I was bein' polite.
You fell in love
when I was around?
A 30-year-old foof?
So this is the girl
you dug up to help us!
Come along. We want
to talk to you.
Wait a minute, fellas.
She's only kidding.
Tell them.
No, I'm not kidding.
Come on, Senator,
let's celebrate our engagement.
All right. Do you like
Mississippi River water?
A female Benedict Arnold.
Come on!
Get goin'!
Take it easy! I admit,
on the surface, it looks bad,
but if you think about it...
it gets worse, doesn't it?
Come on!
[Indistinct Arguing]
Let's get back to the ball
and enjoy ourselves.
Wait a minute!
I can't walk around like this!
We'll send you
somethin' to wear,
somethin' to fit
your personality.
Never mind my personality.
At least throw me a fan!
? It's a lovely day?
? A-tomorrow?
? Tomor...?
What am I singin' about?
Am I a jer... I'm nuts.
? Tomorrow is a lovely day?
Yeah, if I live that long.
? Come and feast
your tear-dimmed eyes?
Feast! Here I am, caught in
the draft again, and you're
talkin' about eating!
? On tomorrow's
clear blue skies?
Fine time
for a weather report.
? If-a today?
If-a to-a-day!
? Your heart is weary?
Weary, he says.
I got heartburn!
? If every little thing
looks gray?
I can see those gray walls.
I hope I get a low number.
That's all I ask.
? So forget your troubles?
? And learn to say?
Aw, shut up!
? Tomorrow is a lovely day??
? Hmm-hmm?
Jolly! Jolly!
Politics! I should've
stayed in the butcher shop,
blowin' up turkey bladders.
What was I do...
[Kissing Sound]
? Tomorrow is a lovely day?
So, you're going
to marry the senator.
But he's 60 years old,
if he's a day.
To save my mother,
I will marry him if he's
90 years old, if he's a day.
Oh! But you don't
love the senator.
Yes, I love him!
Yes, I love him
like he was my own son.
Everybody feels that way
about the senator,
but that's not
enough for marriage.
Jimmy Taylor likes you
a lot, you know.
Hmm. Yes, I know.
He's crazy for me!
And much younger
than the senator.
Yes, I know.
I like him
in a much younger way
from the senator.
It would be lovely
if I could marry Jimmy...
and adopt the senator.
I've been lookin' all over
for you, you double-crosser.
Don't call me names, you crook!
Who's a crook and how
did you find out?
The senator.
He tell me all about
you and your crooks.
What did you
sell out for, $600?
I do not what I do for money.
I do it because I like
people who are honest.
I suppose it's honest
to marry a man old enough
to be your grandfather.
It is more honest
than framing him up.
I did what I did in
self-defense. You're doing
what you're doing in cold blood.
You're only jealous.
You only want to make
marriage with me yourself.
Are you kiddin'?
I wouldn't marry you if you
were the last woman on earth!
'Course, I'd still
keep your phone number.
I'm more good-natured than you.
If you were the last man on
earth, I would marry you. But
only if you were the last man!
If I were the last man.
If I were!
Jim, I'm glad you're here.
Marina is so unhappy.
She's unhappy?
You don't understand
why she's marrying the senator.
She's doing it for her mother.
Why does her old lady
want to see me go to jail?
No, she's getting
into the country.
Oh. Well, she can have my
quota number because I'll have
to get out of the country.
Look, Bordy, there's only
one chance left for me.
And it's up to you.
I should've thought
of you first.
After all,
it's your reputation that gave
New Orleans its reputation!
Oh, Jimmy, now you're
just trying to flatter me.
No, I mean it!
You can make the senator forget
Marina, the investigation and
the White House if you want to.
Oh, but the senator
is such a cold-blooded fish.
Yeah, but you ever see
what happens to a cold fish
when you put the heat on?
It's cooked. And you
can make him sizzle, honey.
Well, I suppose I could do it,
if I put my mind to it.
Well, you put your
mind to it and anything
else you can spare.
All right, I'll do it.
And now you go to Marina
and tell her you understand.
Oh, sure.
Thanks, Bordy.
You may be adding
20 years to my life.
Marina, it's me, Jimmy.
I wanna talk to ya.
I know what you want to say.
That I'm a dirty double-crosser
and no good.
Well, it's all true
and I don't want to
hear it. Good-bye.
Oh, no, no. That isn't
what I want to say.
No, I would've done the same
thing. Madame Bordelaise
told me all about your mother.
And you forgiving me?
I forgiving you.
Please believing me.
Oh, but you will
go to jail.
Oh, what's 15
or 20 years...
as long as I know
you'll be waiting outside
those cold, gray walls.
And you'll run up to me like
this, take me in your arms
and kiss me like this.
Think I'll go back
and serve another year.
You mustn't do this.
Why, don't you like it?
if you marry the senator,
this is what you'll get.
I don't say it's bad.
But if you marry me,
this is what you'll get.
Think it over, honey.
[Indistinct Muttering,
[Telephone Ringing]
Yeah, this is me.
Oh, well, I don't want
to brag, Mr. Winchell,
but if you like corruption,
that's what I got.
Well, if you give me about
15 minutes to get dressed,
you can come up
and have breakfast with me
and we could...
Oh, hello.
Oh, sure. Ju... Hey!
What are you doing here?
I've come here to save Junior.
I'm not gonna see him
sent to jail.
Who's Junior?
Just a minute,
Mr. Winchell.
You're ruining my life,
and now I'm gonna ruin yours.
When that columnist comes up
here, he's going to find me.
And I'm going to say
I was here all night.
You can't do tha...
Hello? Hello?
Oh, he hung up.
Hey, you get out of here
or I'll call the police!
Oh, no, I'll call them.
Help! Murder! Police!
Shut up!
Hey, there!
What's goin' on?
Who sent you here?
The dean.
Now, you get on outta here and
let a big girl handle things.
Aw, I never
have any fun!
That's all
right, go on. Scoot!
All right, Senator.
I got rid of her.
Yeah, that was
a narrow escape,
wha... Hey!
You gotta get
outta here too!
Hide, quick!
Where is she?
Tell me where she is
or I'll kill ya!
Where's who?
Emmy Lou. They told me she was
here. Now tell me, or I'll...
Honest, you're killing
an innocent man!
All right. If she's here,
believe me, I'll find her.
Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!
A- ha!
Now I know
she's here.
You cur!
There's nobody
here but me.
Oh, yeah?
Is this yours?
What is that?
Brother, they ain't
water wings!
[Indistinct Noise]
What was that?
I didn't hear anything.
Well, I did!
Oops! Sorry.
Well, you sure oughta be.
Now, can't a girl
have any privacy?
But I expected
to find Emmy Lou.
Emmy Lou is in the closet
of a room upstairs.
Ohh. Well, that's
all right. What?
Okay, Senator,
the coast is clear.
Good morning!
Say, who's order's
you workin' under?
Jim Taylor's.
Oh, that's
all right, then.
[Door Closing]
Hello, toots.
How did you
get in here?
And in my
other nightgown!
You brought me here...
by brute force!
Don't tell me
you forgot.
Come in.
Senator Loganberry?
I'm the house detective.
The house detective?
Yeah. I just got a report
there's a wild party
going on in this room.
No, there's nobody
in this room but me.
Can I see you
a moment, Sen...
Wilson, you here?
What seems to be the trouble?
I'll tell you, Mr. Taylor.
There's been goings on
going on in here.
That's impossible.
I'll vouch for the senator.
Thanks, Mr. Taylor.
Better yet, take a look at him.
Ain't that guarantee enough?
Three women were reported
here in this room and that's
a case for the grand jury.
Three women?
Who sent the other two?
Three women?
Why, that's nonunion!
You've got to help me,
Mr. Taylor!
Certainly I'll help
you, Ollie. I'll tell
you what you do, Wilson.
You wait outside
while I have a talk
with the senator.
I'm sure he must have
a reasonable explanation.
Well, Senator,
it looks bad.
Well... what do you think
they'll do to me?
You never know in Louisiana.
We're pretty hot-blooded
about our women.
So are the women.
They may lynch you.
But that wouldn't prove
anything, except that
you've got a neck.
Mr. Taylor,
I didn't do a thing.
Honest, I didn't.
Yet you admit there
were three women in here.
Yeah, at least three.
Do you know there's
a federal law covering that?
Do I know it?
Gosh, I helped pass it.
Senator, why don't you
think of the future
when you pass laws?
Or didn't you think you'd
have a future like this?
Look, Ollie, let's lay our cards
on the bed, marked as they are.
After all, as a state
representative, I can pull wires
and straighten out this scandal.
There's no scandal.
Don't worry,
there will be.
All you have to do
is sign a statement that the
Louisiana Purchasing Company...
is innocent
of all charges.
They can dunk me
in tar and feathers,
but I'll never
sign away my honor!
Okay, but if you're in
Washington a year from now,
you'll see less of
the White House than Eleanor!
Oh, you can't
prove anything.
Oh, I get it!
This is another one
of your frame-ups, isn't it?
Oh, sure...
No, that's ridiculous.
I just want to see
that justice is done to this
poor little flower of the South.
You're losing
one of your petals.
Have you seen enough
or do you want to wait
for the supper show?
I've seen enough.
Okay, I'll just
draw up the papers.
I'm sorry,
it's only politics.
And you know what they say
about politics. It certainly
makes strange bedfellows.
[Door Closing]
Hey! What are you doing?
They haven't got me yet,
those blasted Democrats!
I want a double brandy.
And put some whiskey in it.
Nothing for me?
Oh, yes. I'm gonna
get you something too.
And send up a justice
of the peace right away.
A wife cannot testify
against her husband.
Hello, Sam. I must see
Mr. Taylor right away.
I'm sorry, Miss Marina,
he just left.
Left? Where?
There was some talk about
catching a plane for Havana.
He said he was expecting
a little hot spell and he
had to get out of town.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, fellas, wait for me!
Wait a minute, what are you
tryin' to do? Run out?
Not if I can fly. You can't
leave me behind, fellas!
You have our power of attorney.
Anything you do is all right.
Go to the capitol and sit tight.
We've turned over
all our holdings to you.
They're all in your name.
That's wonderful of you,
but I don't want it.
All I want to do is go with you.
Stay here. Take your medicine.
I don't mind takin' my medicine,
but must I lick the spoon?
You're lucky we didn't
have you taken for a ride.
Won't you even take me along...
as the kibitzer?
It's the FBI!
Let's go. I can feel J. Edgar
Hoover breathing on my neck.
Why am I always last?
Let me in there.
Hey, wait a minute!
I'm with them!
What kind of a racket...
Jimmy! Jimmy!
Hey, fellows, you're kiddin'!
You're gonna leave me...
Jimmy! They tell me
you fly to Havana,
so I came
to flying with you.
That's fine.
We just missed
the carrier pigeon.
You don't seem
very happy
and delighted.
Oh, I'm happy
and delighted,
all right. Huh.
Where will we go on our
honeymoon? Think we can see
Niagara Falls from Leavenworth?
I just got
a beautiful idea.
We have to go to
the state capitol immediately.
You expect me to go up there?
The least I can do
is make 'em drag me.
The senator told me
he had to leave for home
in three days.
What an idea.
How'd you ever
think of that?
I think about that
American movie I saw,
all about politics.
You're new in this country
and on to all the rackets.
You're 100 percent American.
Hundred percent?
Is that as high
as you can go?
Yeah, and still
be honest.
Look, Jimmy!
Boy, what a break.
The senator
and his bride are here.
Yeah, nothing ever happens
at the Grand Motel.
I think I'll stick with the
senator tonight and find out
what he's gonna do.
Okay, see you
at the capitol.
All right.
Don't do that.
Did you...
[Crickets Chirping]
Hello, Mr. Taylor.
Oh, hello, Senator.
What are you doing here?
I just stopped off
on my way to the capitol.
What was that you
were going through,
your daily dozen?
I was just going over
the speech I'm gonna make
against you fellas.
It's a pip, too.
Wanna hear it?
No, thanks,
I never go to previews.
Oh, just gonna
plead guilty, huh?
No, I think I've got
an ace in the hole.
Well, no matter who wins,
I want to thank you
for what you've done for me.
I guess if it hadn't been
for you, I wouldn't be married.
I take it Madame Bordelaise's
made you very happy.
I don't know whether she's
made me happy, exactly, but...
she is interesting.
I've seen more gadgets
that I didn't know about.
Yeah. My wife
wears a, uh...
a contraption that looks
like a straitjacket.
I think they
call it a "griddle."
A griddle?
Oh, you mean a girdle,
don't you?
Girdle, yeah!
How did you know?
You never been married,
have ya?
No, but I read a lot.
And besides, the Louisiana
Purchasing Company...
also manufactures griddle...
I mean girdles.
Maybe you can tell me
how she gets into this thing.
It puzzles me because
there don't seem to be
any opening in it anywhere.
It can't go
over her head.
Oh, no, she'd
strangle to death.
All she does is put her hands
in the girdle like that.
To open it. She couldn't
do it like that.
She'd break her wrist.
Oh, yeah.
Tear 'em right off. So, she
puts her hand in like that.
Then she puts one foot in
and then the other foot in.
And there she is,
in the girdle.
She can't walk in it!
She takes the one side
and she pulls it up.
Then she crosses her leg.
That makes it smaller.
Oh, yeah.
Then she pulls
the other side up.
Then she...
Now it's on.
Well, this part's up, but
that part's still down there.
Goes up in the back.
Yeah, it's coming.
And there it is,
all one piece.
Equal distribution.
By golly,
that's very ingenious.
Oh! There are two things on
the sides with snappers on the
end of'em. What are they for?
Oh, those things
are to hold her
stockings up, too.
How can she walk
with that harness on?
It's easy. Just try it.
Follow me.
The House will
please come to order.
Next on our agenda...
are certain charges
brought against the
Louisiana Purchasing Company...
and members of
the local government.
Gentlemen, please.
Charges brought by Senator
Oliver P. Loganberry...
of a northern state.
Mr. Speaker...
Mr. Speaker!
[Gavel Pounding]
The chair recognizes
the gentleman from New Orleans.
But, Mr. Speaker,
I raised my hand first.
And besides,
I'm bringing the charges.
Don't worry,
this won't take forever.
What is this?
It's a filibuster, Senator!
Hey, Ed,
it's a filibuster. Yeah.
If Taylor holds the floor
for three days,
he's got Loganberry licked.
The senator's due back
in his home state
for a political rally.
You can't do this!
Oh, yes, I can.
I got special permission
from Jimmy Stewart.
Gentlemen, I want to start
this auspicious occasion...
by reading a brief statement
on the glories of the South.
Gone with the Wind...
[Laughter, Gavel Pounding]
By Margaret Mitchell.
"She could get Rhett back,
she knew she could.
"There'd never been a man
she couldn't get once she set
her mind upon him.
"I'll think of it all tomorrow,
at Tara. I can stand it then.
"Tomorrow I'll think
of some way
to get him back.
After all, tomorrow
is another day."
Oh, the glorious South.
Mr. Speaker!
Quiet, Yankee!
Quiet, Yankee!
But I have to get home.
I've got business to attend to.
You better give up.
I'm gonna be talkin' a long
while and I know how to talk.
My father was
a tobacco auctioneer
and my mother was a woman.
You better give up.
Never. Never!
Okay. Let's see
what's in the paper.
I tell ya, this is a wonderful
country we're living in.
You can always get help.
You can get cooperation
any time you...
Hi, Mr. Taylor.
Oh, hiya.
Thank you.
This'll just give you
a rough idea.
"Friends, do you need money?
We can help you.
"You can have as high as $500.
No security, no endorsers.
"You don't even
have to have a job.
Pay the money back any time.
And when paid back,
we let your mother
out of the dungeon."
Now, I just...
Back in vaudeville.
Good morning, good morning.
A funny thing happened
on the way to the senate.
There was a lady standing
in the rain, holding her
dress up over her hat.
I said, "Lady, you're
gettin' your legs wet."
She said, "I don't care.
My legs are 50 years old.
The hat's brand new."
"Mother bear cooked
a pot of porridge
and poured it into three bowls,
"a big bowl, a middle-sized bowl
and a small bowl and left it on
the table to cool.
"Then the bears
went out for a walk.
"They had such a good time,
they stayed until...
"the small bear got
quite tired and hungry.
"While they were away, a
little girl called Goldilocks,
because of her golden hair,
"passed by the bears' house
and knocked on the door.
"There was no answer,
but Goldilocks saw an open
window and climbed through it.
"The first thing she found
was a table with three
bowls of porridge.
"The porridge smelled so good,
it made her hungry.
"She tasted the porridge
in the big bear's bowl.
It was too hot.
"She tasted the porridge
in the big bear's bowl.
It was too hot.
"But the wee, small bear's
porridge was just right,
so she ate it all up.
"She tried the middle-sized
bear's chair.
That was too high.
"Then she tried the wee,
small bear's chair,
"and it broke
all to pieces.
"Goldilocks went
into the bears' bedroom.
"The big bear's bed
was much too big,
"and the middle-sized bear's bed
seemed a little hard.
"But the wee, small bear's bed
was so comfortable,
"Goldilocks went
right to sleep.
It was just about then
that the three bear..."
[Clears Throat]
Huh. Can you imagine?
Another drink.
And with the chalk in hand,
the vagabond finished
the sketch...
of a face that well might
buy the soul of any man.
And as he placed another lock
upon that shapely head,
with a fearful shriek,
he leaped and fell across
the picture, dead!
Only acting, Senator. I hope.
Ah. Beautiful hair.
"Invention number 9,412
is a snood for a chicken.
"You slip the snood over
the back end of the chicken...
and when she lays an egg,
she brings it to ya."
Let's forget inventions
and take up cooking.
Jim Taylor's epic struggle
has been going on now
for three days...
and this remarkable man
shows some signs of weakening.
Water! Water!
Water, water, everywhere
and not a drop to drink!
That's all, folks!
[Indistinct Talking, Shouting]
[Indistinct Talking Continues]
Are you still
acting, Jim?
Rub his hands!
Rub his hands!
Mr. Speaker!
I have absolute proof
that Mr. Jim Taylor...
has been the innocent victim
of a bunch of crooks.
And in view of the fact...
that the FBI have apprehended
these scoundrels,
I'm turning over
my evidence to the state.
Now, I'm quite sure
that you gentlemen are able
to clean your own house.
Speech, speech!
Yeah! Speech, speech!
[Voice Cracking]
Well, I don't know what...
Ollie! Ollie!
Thank you,
thank you!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Jim Taylor,
the pride of the South!
Jim Taylor!
Jim Taylor for governor!
For governor?
Well, shut my mouth.
Shut my m...
She did!
[Laughing, Cheering]