Love & Air Sex (2013) Movie Script

Do you have
a preference here?
Um, I...
I don't, do you?
Okay, I'm gonna be honest,
I just don't know anything.
I know absolutely
nothing about wines. Okay.
I'll tell you how I
make my decision. Uh-huh?
I go...
Cheapest? No, the second
This is a date,
okay? I'm trying to...
You know, I'm trying to...
So, second cheapest. Right.
Second cheapest.
Is that cool?
What do you, um...
So, what are you
doing after this?
Do you have plans?
Do you have another...
I'm free, I'm free. Oh, good.
I'm glad to hear that, because...
I don't know, you seem to be having a
good time. I'm having a very good time.
Thank you so much.
That's the weird thing
that you like to order.
Yeah, I think you'll
love it. It's a liver pate.
Oh, that sounds good.
Liver pate.
It was just,
I wanted to thank you.
Oh, no, no,
no, absolutely.
Don't mind us. Oh, I'm
so sorry, sir. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You don't have to apologize
that much, he's gonna be okay.
Are you all right?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
What are you, um...
So what do you...
I saw a dash of fear.
So they take the...
Okay, I get a little...
I swear!
Oh, God, I actually feel
completely comfortable,
it's just... Oh.
I can tell you...
This is what it's like.
This is what you can afford.
What I can afford?
Here, I'll clean it up.
What is wrong
with you, dude?
That's really shitty.
No, that's... Nope.
It's already rough.
I not gonna do that,
that's crazy.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Fuck it.
You've reached
the voice mailbox of...
My fat dick!
Jeff! What's up, man?
It's Stan.
Uh, been a while! Listen...
Guess who's coming
to Austin tomorrow?
Oh, crazy,
last-minute thing, but, I...
I miss you, bud.
So, wondered if you could
pick me up at the airport.
I'll text you the details.
Sorry it's out of the blue,
but, um...
It'll be good to see you,
and your fat dick!
That's me?
What the fuck, Stan?
What are you doing here?
I'm in town
for the weekend!
The douchebag
isn't picking you up, is he?
You mean Jeff? Don't
say his name, I just ate.
Okay, what's going on?
Are you guys not together?
No, we're not,
actually, ever, ever again.
So, what are you
doing here?
You're joking, right?
Hmm, this is accidental,
you showing up in Austin,
this weekend, out of all weekends?
What are you talking about?
Are you trying to lie to
me right now, Stan? What?
Who's that?
I just... I miss her, Kara.
I miss her so bad.
And I just felt like if I...
She has made a lot of progress
these past six months,
no thanks to you
and your little "second thought,
I'm depressed" blues. I am depressed.
I know you are, but you are not gonna
call her. You're not gonna text her.
No coming by my house,
no El Azteca.
No Dog & Duck. Okay, wait, wait, wait...
Okay, no! No. You are not
here. Do you understand me?
She doesn't own Austin.
No, I do.
It really feels like
you're taking sides here.
Just get the fuck
out of here!
I've gotta get this bitch
to buy me some brisket.
Are you gonna
leave her alone?
It's a small town.
I don't know if you can see me,
It says Backdoor Tacos on it, I have my
left hand extended. Can you be more specific?
Mmm, I don't see you. Um... It's
green, there's some tassels on it.
Uh, I'm sitting in the
front seat. Hey, buddy.
Brought the truck?
What happened to your car?
Car was repoed, kind of a
sensitive subject, please get in.
Um, are you okay?
I'm fine.
I like your hair.
I don't.
So, have you seen
Jeff at all?
Have you guys talked?
You know she has
a superpower?
Did you know that?
She has a superpower.
Oh, yeah?
She can make
a check turn invisible
when it lands on the table.
I swear to God, man.
One time I sat there
for fucking 45 minutes.
I was just curious, I just wanted
to see what was gonna happen.
She's just sipping
her water and chatting.
The waiter comes over and he's like,
"Excuse me, I'd like to close out now. "
And she's just sipping
her water and chatting.
Finally, I pick her fucking
thing up and she says,
"Oh, thank you
so much, sweetie!"
Like all of a sudden,
the check fucking exists.
Fuck that shit!
So, otherwise you've
been good? So good, man.
I love being
single so much.
What about you?
How's New York?
Oh, um...
Really hard.
Dr. Morgan.
So dope!
Yeah, in like six years.
What's up with you,
man, huh?
Coochie, coochie-coo!
Any guys that are
worth a shit?
Oh, my God, dude,
the girls in LA...
I'm not really in the state of
mind where I think I'd notice.
Well, you have come to
Austin, Texas on a good night,
because I've lined
something up for this evening
that will have us
literally eating pussy.
I don't think you mean...
Dude, don't doubt on...
Oh, you'll notice.
Tonight, you'll notice.
What! Get out of my holes!
Oh, man.
No problem. You got it?
Um, what is that?
Oh, yeah.
That's Jeff's shit.
I threw it out.
And he just left it here?
He's too scared to come by.
This is it?
Hop out.
'Cause my door doesn't work,
you have to get out. Still?
Yeah, still.
So, how do you
know this guy?
It's Redge.
Who's Redge?
Redge, he's...
He's old-school.
you spread it.
You spread it and then you fuck
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What up? Dude, you gotta see this, dude.
Okay, okay.
You have to see this.
Stan, this is Joe.
Oh, hey, man.
What's up, dude?
You live here, too?
Neat. This is Redge,
over here. He owns the place.
Hey, what's up... Hollywood!
I'm gonna sleep on the couch,
you're gonna sleep on the floor.
Cool, thanks, man,
I appreciate it.
Yeah, man,
no problem, just,
the toilet doesn't work so
you've gotta pee-pee in the sink
and poo-poo at 7-Eleven.
Joseph, let's see it.
She's so fucking wet,
look at that!
Fuck, yeah. Now, turn
around, make her eat your ass.
Ass-eating time,
munch it.
It's time.
Oh, yeah, fuck her.
Ahh! Yeah, that's it,
that's it! Ooh!
Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, all right.
That was fun.
What was that?
Oh, he nailed it.
It's air sex.
What is that, air sex? You
don't know what air sex...
I thought you said
he was from LA?
It's kind of a big deal. Okay.
Focus on me
right now, guys.
Does this take place
on the astral plane?
Or in a fantasy world?
No, this happens
here in real life.
Do the laws of physics
apply here? Absolutely.
Here's what
I'm seeing.
Whoa, what are you
seeing? I'm seeing you
laying on the ground
being sixty-nined,
and then when you say
"Have her eat your ass. "
You sit up, she's
magically underneath you.
Are you fucking a ghost?
Let's all slow down.
Nobody's done a fucking ghost routine,
that's a good idea, we should do a
ghost routine. Listen, okay, that's fine,
but if you're gonna fuck a ghost, we
have to introduce in the first act,
not the third act,
that you're fucking a ghost.
Unless we're doing an
M. Night Shyamalama thing...
We are not gonna do an
M. Night Shyamalama thing!
Did I tell you how many guys I
slept with after our last breakup?
That's kind of
a lot, right?
It's... It's not a little.
So you're gonna do that in
front of hundreds of people?
Okay. That's ridiculous.
Right. You do know that, right?
No, no, I do,
I do, I do.
I know that it's
ridiculous to win the finals
and get a month
of free alcohol.
Horny college girls knowing
that we know how to fuck?
It's silly, actually.
Okay, guys, order up!
Backdoor Tacos never die!
They just multiply.
Ah, muchas gracias!
Look, man, can we just go to a
regular bar, like the Dog & Duck?
The Dog & Duck
suck and fuck?
Fuck that place.
What do you mean,
"Fuck that place"?
He lost it in the divorce.
Shut the fuck up, Joey.
Just wanted some other
dick, you know? Yeah...
Like, I live
with Jeff's dick.
It's just so familiar.
I see his pee coming
out of it and I'm like,
"Oh, I have sex
with that sometimes. "
It's like an appliance.
Like a microwave.
Like a tiny
little microwave.
It's tiny?
Oh, like the fist of a preemie. Ew.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Stan's is...
Is what?
Is huge?
Is hairy?
Is it all crooked?
Hey, I once had sex
with this guy
whose dick was so crooked it
looked like a question mark
whenever he got hard.
Oh! What do you
want to know, little lady?
No, it's...
It's perfect.
No, Cath,
"Was", okay?
You gotta put that dick
in the past tense.
No, I know.
Losing the sex stuff
and the relationship stuff,
it's been hard.
But losing the friendship's
been the worst.
And I could really use a
friend up there right now.
Oh, buddy.
Sometimes I just wanna
check in with him, you know.
Hear about
what he's doing.
Okay, come here.
Stand here.
No reason to be
nervous, okay?
We're gonna do something
very, very simple.
It's not even sexual,
okay? I just want you to
do a little
exercise with me.
We're just doing some Tai
Chi, that's all this is.
Is this weird?
Yeah, this is weird.
Well, that's on you,
my friend.
Okay. Now, we're just gonna
make a little adjustment.
I just want you to turn
your hands inward, like that.
Huh? Now look
what happened!
There it is!
What's all this, now?
Oh, my gosh, we're having
sex with a beautiful woman.
Wow, so beautiful. Yeah,
man, just go with that.
Now just
elaborate on that.
You can be
the best sex guy ever,
your dick can be 30 feet
Daredevil, man.
Dude, go with that!
Aah! Aah!
Wet her whistle, man.
Jingle her bells.
My dick is so big!
This is her face, that's
her ass, go. You see that?
Oh, it's good, it's good,
you're really good.
Help, get into it, though,
like, join me.
'Cause that's her ass and this is
her... That's okay, you do this one.
I'll take the next one,
you do this one. Ooh!
Come on.
Yeah, there it is.
That was her head, I think.
No, I've got her head.
You're going in the ass. Okay.
Look. Let's try
something over here.
Oh! You are so
fucking pretty, Cathy!
What? No!
I'm serious, dude.
This is gonna sell like crazy
once I get it on my site.
Of course it will!
It's gorgeous!
Who's that?
Just some loser
who won't leave me alone.
All right.
Work it, bitch!
But it's true, though,
in Africa they...
There's many cultures,
there's a bunch of countries...
Hey. Hey, guys?
Why don't we just, like,
hit up a bunch
of different bars?
You know, just stop at a bunch
of places, get shots at each one,
I'll buy shots.
Stan, I understand if you want
to sit out on the bench tonight.
I get that you have body-shame
issues, you've got fat knees,
that's not your fault,
all right?
But it doesn't mean you can't still
bang some strange this evening, buddy.
Okay, yeah. It's been
a long time
since you entered
the field of battle,
that's true.
And you're worried about
hatching out of your shell
before you're
fully incubated.
Nobody likes preemies,
they're disgusting.
That's not
gonna be an issue,
because I'm gonna give you a couple
of arrows to put into your quiver.
That's going to help you
to bring down the big game.
Maybe pick one metaphor?
I'm just assuming that
you... Follow me here, Stan.
Girls guard the vagina.
Yeah, they guard it
with their life.
Okay? So we have
to guard the penis.
Oh, okay. Like a hockey goal, you know?
He doesn't like metaphors.
The puck is the vagina.
He doesn't like them, so
we're not gonna use metaphors.
You've gotta let them know
they can't have this.
Because people always want what they
can't have. What they can't have...
See? So, you've gotta be an asshole!
Yeah, but not a giant asshole. Right.
You can't be
an unfuckable asshole,
you have
to be discreet.
You have to
say things to women
that appear nice at
first... Very discreet.
Right. They appear nice, but
really, they're kind of mean.
Do y'all have a tab?
Woo, that is a serious
STD sandwich.
Who cares about them,
this is our night, right?
Here is to home.
This will always be home,
no matter what.
Boom! ATX in the hizzle!
Little bit weird!
How's it going, ladies?
Wow, you girls
look really pretty.
I'm sorry, are you lost?
funny, I like your hair.
And your tats.
You wanna dance?
Mmm, no.
Oh. Why?
Is your boyfriend here?
I don't have a boyfriend.
He's an idiot!
Okay, so,
for example, um...
You would say something like,
"That's a beautiful dress you have on,
"it really makes
your ass look small. "
Or, like my friend says,
"You're a fat ass,
"but you're really not
that big. "
Or, "Hey, is that
a beauty mark,
"or do you just have
some shit on your face?"
That's really good.
That's really...
Can I use that?
Yeah, of course.
That's a good line.
Essentially, what
we're doing, Stan,
is we're lowering
their self-esteem
so that then they look
to us for validation
and we can...
you tell girls they're ugly so
they'll want to have sex with you.
In a nutshell.
Oh! Geez, um... Oh, I'm
so sorry, are you okay?
Yeah, it's... I...
Oh, my goodness, here.
Take that for you.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry, can I
get you another drink?
Uh, no, that's okay...
I mean, I think you look
like you need another drink.
Here, have some of mine.
No, I'm fine.
No, no, no,
no roofies in this one.
On that note,
I'm gonna leave you.
You know what?
You killed that.
Excuse me,
two vodka tonics, please. No,
actually, I was just about to, um...
To go.
Oh, are you?
I wonder if I could possibly
make this any more awkward.
No, no, it's not you,
it's just...
Oh, my God,
my friend is...
Oh, humping my brother
on the dance floor.
What? That's
your brother?
Unfortunately, yes.
Wow, that just made
this way more awkward.
I knew we could do it.
Here, cheers.
Who's this?
Give the girl
some room.
You got a text.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, we have
an asshole!
He's blowing right
into an asshole!
Now he's getting another guy
to suck the weed out of the ass!
All right.
Hey, hey.
Now look, all right,
all right, all right.
Now, look. I've shown
you what I can do up here.
Huh, huh, huh?
Now it's time
for you to show me
what you can do, huh?
Come on.
Huh? Oh, come on.
Oh, come on, come on,
no, don't sit down.
Dude, you've gotta get
up there, it's your time.
You've been practicing,
you're the man.
You're the diamond in
the rough, you can shine!
The air wants to fuck,
and you must fuck the air.
You must fuck the air.
You must fuck the air.
You must fuck the air!
You must fuck the air!
You must fuck the air!
What are you doing?
Okay, so,
that's why you came.
I will fuck the air!
Now I know
why you're here.
I was gonna
tell you, dude, I just...
Oh, yeah.
Fuck the air
like a stallion, my friend!
Can I say something?
Oh, speak.
Uh, this is gonna go out
to my ex-girlfriend
who recently kicked me
out of my house.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey. Kara Jenkins?
You can't get this dick!
That's what's up!
your hands together
for Mr. Fuckasaurus Sex!
Do it.
What you got
down there?
I'm such a terrible friend.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I am.
Well, maybe today,
but not usually.
It's just so hard!
It's so hard,
it's so hard to be
friends with both of you,
I love you both
so much!
Don't cry, sweet girl.
I love you, Cathy.
Oh, Ralphie's here.
That's it, that's it.
Why am I such a bitch sometimes?
Oh, no, you're not a bitch.
Mmm, you're sexy.
You're so sweet...
What the fuck?
What are you doing?
Kissing your tears away.
You think your fish face is
gonna make me feel better?
Come on, buddy.
So he came all the way
to Austin just to see me?
Half creepy,
half romantic.
Good old Stan.
I cannot see him tonight.
I'm not ready.
She's just like
a young Goldie Hawn.
In Wildcats.
I mean, I see it.
Just, so hot.
The coach, right?
So feisty!
Do you
wanna go home?
No! No, that is not
why I came here.
I came here
to have fun.
To have a good time.
Word up.
Let's just go someplace he'd
never go in a million years.
What about them?
Is it just me, or doesn't
he look like that guy
from Midnight Cowboy?
Like Jon Voight.
I love you.
That's a nice ass, huh?
Did you just say
"nice ass"?
Really, that wasn't you?
I... No, I would
never say that.
Oh, well, thanks.
Not that you don't have one,
I'm just... See, you were!
You were looking at my ass. I wasn't!
What happened? Dropped
my phone down there.
Can you not reach it?
Well, do you see it
in my hand?
You don't
have to do that.
It's fine.
I've been out here for like, 20
minutes and nobody's offered to help.
Yeah, people suck.
They really do.
Nice ass, by the way.
Wait, hold on.
Maybe this comes off.
Uh, I don't know...
Right. Oh, hold on, you
might step on it, so...
Can I use your phone?
Can I call it? Yep.
I'll see it
light up, and...
213, LA, really?
Yeah, why?
Oh, okay, uh...
Got it!
Oh, yes!
Yeah. Oh, ah...
You got some...
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you.
You are a good Samaritan.
Is that yours?
No, I just found it and I
thought, it looked pretty cool.
So, you are a musician?
Yeah, I play the cello
and I sing.
Cello and vocals! I've never
seen anyone do that. That's cool.
Well, if you come to
the Ale House tomorrow
you could be the only
person in Austin to see it.
I just played a show
to a bartender.
Oh, that sucks.
I'd love to come.
Uh, that would be awesome.
Yeah. I, um...
I don't really have a car
here, so I'm a little bit...
Oh, don't worry about it.
If you can't make it, totally
fine, but call me because
I think I owe you
a thank-you drink.
Okay, did you wanna
give me your, uh...
213, remember?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, 213.
Are you texting
your boyfriend?
Tell him it's over.
Tell him you found
a real man.
No, Ralphie.
That right there,
that is a real man.
How you're related
to him, I do not know.
Maybe your mom forgot to put in her diaphragm
while she was working the donkey show.
Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha.
Go get me another
drink, Eeyore.
You got it.
I can't believe you
know how to do that.
Lessons for two years.
Ready for a drink?
Um, sure.
So, um, what made you decide
to take two-stepping lessons?
Well, not what, who.
My ex-wife.
Two Buds, please.
Could've used a little record
skipping sound effect right there.
No, no, no, no.
Not at all.
Not at all.
In fact, let's change it.
What about you?
What's your favorite
color? Purple?
Mine's... Personally,
I like tangerine.
Look, uh...
I feel like that's my color.
Oh, yeah.
Let's hear it for,
Not cool.
And now,
Fuckasaurus Sex!
Fuckasaurus Sex!
I think we've got
ourselves a winner!
So, sorry, honey.
You're going to
the finals, man.
How do you feel?
How do you feel?
I feel fucking
awesome right now.
Redge, did you get that?
Got that shit like Spielberg.
What the fuck even is this?
Let me see?
I wanna see.
Get off my shit.
I wanna know.
I wanna know all
your secrets.
Oh, God.
Confess them to me.
Confess them to you?
We can cry together
in a field.
You want to know
what turns me on?
Oh, yeah.
Doing bad things in public.
Take it out.
Take it out.
I don't know.
But all these
people can see.
I know. It's what
gets me so wet.
I don't know.
Come on, Ralphie,
show it to me.
Can I get it
erect first?
Do you wanna have
sex tonight or what?
Hey! No, hey!
Whoa. Thanks.
That's right! Man of the hour,
ladies and gentlemen.
Stan, Stan, Stan.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be balls
deep in Cathy by now.
Yeah, that's not
gonna happen.
No, it's not gonna
happen, is it, Stan?
Although it is a shame that
you flew all the way to Texas
to stalk a girl who doesn't
even wanna be stalked.
I didn't come here
to stalk her.
No? You came here to see me.
That's amazing, Stan.
That's awesome. Hi!
Hold this, please.
Hello, ladies.
How you doing?
Hey, I just wanna say I thought
that you did absolutely incredible.
Whatever, Dinocock.
Fuck off.
Uh. I am not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I'm just on our
way out, so...
Oh, well, if we would have
had your candy-ass cheerleaders
on our side then
maybe we would have.
Okay, can I speak with
you for a second?
No, no.
Um, yeah.
No, no.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Yeah. Okay.
How do you do it?
How do you do the splits?
Oh! Um...
Drill team.
Drill team?
Can you, um...
Can you teach me?
Those teabags are
looking at us.
It's on, bro.
Oh, hell yeah,
it's on, bro.
Is there something
on my face?
It's just beautiful.
We don't need you all to
be doing no pornos in here.
We are so sorry.
He might have had a few too
many drinks this evening.
This is a family place.
We completely understand.
Nicely done, guys.
Oh, God. What? Are you serious? Perfect.
Deal's a deal.
Of course, I'm serious.
You know, I'm...
Come on, Timmy, you're
not the boss of me.
Leave the girl alone.
All right, all right.
Let's go home.
All right. Whatever.
All right?
No, no.
No, she said yes. Dude!
All right, out the door.
Ladies, we'll be outside.
This is...
Just let me go.
I know.
Are you... That little weirdo's
dick is fucking enormous.
I don't care if it's
six feet long.
You're just gonna
leave me here?
I'm leaving you with
the "Midnight Cowboy".
And I am taking
one for the team.
This isn't college anymore.
You are getting horny.
Very horny.
Have fun.
I will if you will.
Cool, bro.
All right, let him go.
Oh, God. Oh, my...
Bye, Katie.
I did this for you.
It's Cathy.
Where are they?
I don't see 'em and they
were following us, right?
Jeff, they were
following us, yeah?
They will be here.
What are you doing?
My name is Stan. I made a
mistake and I want you back.
That was an excellent
impersonation of me.
That was... It was like
looking in a mirror.
Here they come.
Here they come.
It's all right. Bring it
on, ladies. Bring it in.
Come on, right here.
Maybe I wasn't even thinking
about her just now, dude.
Maybe I was thinking
about another girl.
Like, maybe a girl
I met tonight.
I don't know, maybe she
gave me her number.
Why are you just telling
me this just now?
Well, suddenly
you're interested.
Did you tell her that she
had shit on her face?
No, she did
that to me.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
What are you doing here with
your dick in your pants?
You should have your dick
in her mouth, buddy.
Come on, this is good.
This is good.
I love this.
Very good.
I will take you...
Oh, yes. I will take you.
You wanna do that?
Okay, let's do...
Mule train?
No, I'm all right.
Okay, okay. Well...
No thanks.
So, Stan,
there are four guys and three girls and
you have a phone number in your pocket.
I think you need to
make a phone call.
Now... You got a short window,
buddy, you need to lay some track.
I don't...
I don't... I think I'm just
gonna text, dude, right?
Probably texting is better
at this stage 'cause,
you know...
Oh, I wish I had her email.
Ooh, I'm sorry. That's
been broken for a while.
Oh, yeah.
There's a 7-Eleven I could walk
you to to finish your business.
Come here.
I think that something
is moving in there.
You should see the
bathroom, totally gross.
What's she doing?
Ground. So that's it.
Dude, you can do it.
All right.
Just need to breathe.
It does not look that hard.
Breathing, that's not
gonna be an issue
I've been breathing
since I was born.
Look. Already half way.
Half way to finals.
That's final, right there.
That was incredible.
What is that?
My God, that's
a hairy python.
No, that's not a python.
That's a dick.
Oh, thank God.
So, this is you.
Yeah, this is...
This is me.
Good night.
Good night.
All right.
Okay, we're gonna do
that one more time. Yes.
Let me go ahead
and give you my card.
Cool. Give me a phone call, anytime.
You're a veterinarian?
I am a doctor
of small animals.
Don't I look like one?
Oh, you absolutely do.
Yeah. Like, even
from that angle?
Oh, especially
from that angle.
I'm a... I'm
in med school.
No kidding. That's funny. Yeah.
What made you become
a vet? That's funny.
I worked with dogs
in the Marines.
Yeah. Bomb sniffing
dogs, just kinda...
Just like fell
into it.
You were in
the Marines?
Yeah, yeah. But the dogs started
making better conversations
than some of those
jarheads I was working with.
Right. So I had to get out
of there as fast as I could.
So, that makes
you like a...
A vet vet.
Yes, it does.
I had fun tonight.
Yeah, I did, too.
Well, let's
do it again.
Thank you for the dance.
Thank you
for the dance.
Oh, come on,
I don't hear anything.
Hey, guys.
How's it going?
You guys hear anything in there,
I don't think they're fucking.
Oh, hey, dude.
Hey, they're not fucking.
I didn't give up my room
for you guys not to fuck.
Let's go.
It's just really gross here.
It's like so gross.
I can't get the keys because she's
got them in there with that creep.
Hey, I got brews here
if you wanna...
No, I'm all right.
No, no, you have them.
What is it?
Is it real?
Is it from the internet?
I mean, have you seen
a penis this big before?
Could you put
that away, please?
If you don't get out of the
bedroom right now, we're leaving!
Hey, um...
Can I take you to breakfast
in the morning? What?
No, I wanna take you to my Saturday
place. Please, please, please.
I love talking to you so much so I just
want to keep this conversation going on.
I'll think about it.
Do you like migas?
Hey, beautiful, don't
knock so hard. Fuck off.
It was... So sorry.
Yeah. Oh, yeah,
I bet you're sorry.
I wanna get the fuck
out of here.
Hey, honey, I think I
see something on your face
Don't touch me!
What the fuck
just happened?
I thought I got her wet...
I think she loved you.
I was clear on that.
Yeah, that was well played.
Captain fucker, you were only
in there for seven minutes.
You're a badass.
Where are you going?
El Azteca.
El Azteca?
You wanna wait
for me, man?
This is so good.
You cannot find migas
like this in New York.
Why did you let
me drink so much?
So, what happened
with Ralphie?
We tried.
I threw up.
All over his face.
Oh, God, Kara.
And he actually wanted
to keep going.
Can you believe that?
Puke all over his
face and he's like,
"I don't mind. "
You always get
the normal ones.
You ready?
For breakfast? Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah.
Okay, yeah. Out.
My door doesn't open. Out.
Speaking of which,
did you guys do it?
Why not?
Because I'm not...
Like me?
I didn't say that.
Yeah, it's okay. If it wasn't for
sluts no one would get laid, right?
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I want you to be the better person in
this situation. Don't touch my face.
No. What...
What situation?
He's here.
He just came
through the door.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Be strong.
Is he alone?
I'm gonna go say hi to a
friend over there. Okay.
And I will be right back.
If I turn around and he is with
some whore... Just be strong, Kara.
I swear I'll burn this fucking place
Okay, breathe.
He's coming over.
Take the knives.
Put them in your purse.
Oh, my God!
So good to see you.
Hello, Kara.
Oh, well.
Hey there.
What a surprise.
How are you?
So good.
I'm so good.
Yeah, how you doing?
I'm never been better.
'Cause you look so good.
Thank you. So do you.
Thank you.
Especially in that
video last night.
Yeah, very impressive.
Yes. Well, I'm going
to the finals.
I know.
And I see you've
taken up photography.
That's great.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, sure have.
What did you think?
I loved it. Great composition, just
really good lighting all around.
It was really nice work.
Although I notice he's not
here to buy you breakfast.
That's not too classy.
No, no.
But I think it's really classy
that you've bought breakfast
for the little she-whore that
you slept with last night.
She's the best.
Yeah. You know,
she looks really familiar.
She really looks like
someone that I know.
I know who. Me!
Oh, okay.
You're right.
I mean, it's...
It's really kinda true.
I'm sorry.
Kinda pathetic, Jeff.
Kind of Vertigo.
You gonna dress her
up in my clothes, too?
No, I would never do that.
I don't even
like your clothes.
Well, we know my guy
didn't look like you.
At least not downstairs.
You guys have
a good breakfast.
That was so good.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, fuck.
God, she even
looks like me.
No, she really doesn't.
Oh, I see.
Hey, don't go in there. Hey,
really don't go inside, please.
I will kill you!
Do you understand?
Oh, my God.
I will fuck you up.
He's gone. He's gone.
He's gone.
He's gone.
Oh, you got a...
You got a chip.
Take your phone out.
Take your phone out.
Take your phone out. Why?
Pull up Cathy's number.
Got it?
Delete on three.
You know what, that...
I think that actually
feels good.
You okay?
She drinks my cum, man.
She actually likes it.
Where am I gonna find somebody
who's that cool ever again?
No. Yeah, that's
really cool of her.
Yep. Okay. We're moving on.
We're moving on up,
like the mother-fucking
Okay, men.
Yeah, let's
get fucked up.
We are not leaving
this apartment
till we come up with an air
sex routine that is so depraved
and so sick that we will be ashamed
to look our own mothers in the eye
for another year.
Maybe this is a coincidence,
but I was just sitting here thinking,
"What am I gonna do
for dinner tonight?"
That sounds like
fate to me.
Well, I was probably just gonna
microwave this gas station burrito.
Setting the timer now, but I'm
thinking between the two of us,
we could come up with something
better than that, right?
Right. I'll come by around eight, okay?
Okay, bye.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that voice.
I may have to wring
out my panties.
Kara, what am I doing?
What do you mean?
You're moving on up,
like the mother-fucking
Okay, guys, you know what
we're gonna do tonight?
What we're gonna do is
we're gonna break free.
We're gonna break free
from their petty needling.
We're gonna break free from their
impossibly high expectations,
and their fucking harassment
about what lamp is gonna
look better in that corner.
Fuck that corner.
Fuck that corner. Guys, I
really need you on my team
and I feel great about tonight.
Can we do this together?
Stan, am I bothering you?
Who are you texting?
Is it someone with a vagina?
Nope. Let's do this.
Let's fuck the air.
Yeah, you must fuck the air.
You must fuck the air!
You must fuck the air!
You are a miracle worker.
I've got boobs.
Normally, it's just like two
sensitive freckles.
Ooh! I'll get it.
Help! Help!
Oh, what?
Now, listen, okay.
Be careful.
Yeah, if his dick is as
big as his brother's,
you will be coming home
in a hospital gurney.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Okay, I put condoms in your bag. Kara!
What? Don't be
afraid to say yes.
No, no. I'm going
home tomorrow.
I can't leave you
alone tonight.
Who says I'm gonna be alone?
Not Ralphie?
No, barf-boy,
are you fucking kidding me?
Hello. Welcome.
Hello. Thank you.
Come in. Come in. O-M-G.
Hi. How you doing? He brought
flowers. Are you from this century?
You totally didn't
need to do this.
See, I did bring flowers, but
they're not for you, they're for you.
I'm sorry. I would have got
you flowers, but I didn't.
Oh, um...
It's not funny.
No, it is.
Yeah. He had a moment
the other night,
but he's a real sweet guy.
All right. All right.
You ready to go?
Bye, Kara.
Be safe.
Yes. Yes.
We will. We will.
Good night.
So, the Marines...
So, um...
Did you ever...
Go to war, shoot
someone, get stabbed?
Oh, does everybody
ask you that?
All the time. Yeah.
So sorry.
You should be.
So, did you?
You didn't notice
my wooden leg?
No, I took some shrapnel
to the shoulder.
Wall exploded and piece
of pipe lodged in there.
Had to cut it out.
Oh, my God!
It sounds worse
than it was but...
Can I see it?
Like, now?
I... We were, um...
We're studying
wound care in
class right now
and it would be highly,
highly educational.
I think they're
gonna let us in.
Okay, people.
The air sex finals
are beyond sold out.
we're gonna seat the finalists
and their guests first.
So, when I call your name
you can go on in.
Uh, Hugh G. Rection.
Pussy Juice Cocktail.
I'm a little worried
'cause they've got vaginas,
and that always gives you
the upper hand.
Nazi Assfucker.
You know that girl
I met here, uh,
she's playing a show nearby.
She's been texting me.
Fuckasaurus Rex!
Fuckasaurus Sex!
Okay, whatever. Go.
Insane Clown Pussy.
So, you're gonna
bail on me again.
Look, I'm not bailing
on you... Yeah, you are.
Donni Darkhole.
I'm going to hang
out with a girl.
Isn't that what you
want me to do
this weekend, right?
Isn't that the whole...
Yeah. You really need me here for this?
You're right.
Go, go. Yeah.
Fuck her in the butt. Okay, so you're
going to hold this against me, really?
Why is it so
important to you?
Yeah, because everything in my life
is going so incredibly right now, dude.
I'm fucking sleeping
on a couch
and driving around
in a corpse.
I'm sorry I'm not in Beverly
Hills making my dreams come true.
Making my... Right. I'm fucking
working at a pizza parlor in Pasadena.
So, then you went out there
for no reason. That's...
I moved, dude.
I don't know why you're
taking it so personally.
Because ever since you
broke up with Cathy,
you broke us all up. Things have never
been the same between me and Kara...
That's my fault?
... since you left.
Dude, I'm responsible for my own
fucked up relationships, not yours.
Right, okay.
What about your
fucked up friendships?
You know, and another... If this is
all, like weird for you, it makes...
You know, you don't approve
of this, you can ignore me.
'Cause you're fucking
awesome at it.
Take the booty call, Stan.
What... What is this?
What are you doing here?
Go to the show, Stan.
Where's Cathy?
She's out.
What do you mean?
Like with somebody?
She's moving on, Stan.
All right? You should go
and do the same thing.
Oh, shit.
I know this.
Gonna have to unbutton
my shirt, doctor.
Oh, no.
All right, there you,
there you go.
May I?
You're the doctor.
Very nice.
Very nice.
You know, I have
a pretty good one myself.
You're damn well gonna
show it to me.
Now, I'm gonna have to
lift up my skirt.
Don't you dare.
Don't you...
Lift up...
Okay, okay.
That is...
A beauty.
Junior year.
I bumped into the ball
machine while it was spinning
Damn, girl! Hmm.
Uh, looks like it healed
up pretty good, though.
Who's next?
Let's see who's next here.
We got...
Fuckasaurus Sex!
Welcome back,
young man. Welcome back.
You got anything to say
before you get started, Sex?
I do, yeah. Uh, this one is also
dedicated to my ex-girlfriend,
uh, Kara, who's a bitch.
And this is about fucking her
pussy, or as I like to call it,
"Visiting Carlsbad camp. "
Ho! Let's go!
Biggest pussy
in the world!
Paintings on the wall.
How deep is it in there?
I'm in a horrible place!
Are you?
Oh, shit.
Are you gonna go up? Uh, no,
I'm just making a phone call.
Can you make it outside so
that we could... Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, have you been
here before?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, a long time ago.
It's pretty great,
isn't it?
I know I've been a menace
Oh, I know I've been
a trial
And you've washed
your hands of love
But I made a Bible promise
Cross my heart
and hope to die
Till all is blue
I'll be here waiting, honey
What will it be, stumbles?
Uh, just a water.
All right.
So come on
Why don't you answer?
There's a summer on
And it's pulling up
the wallpaper
With its wicked drone
And I could sit here with
With just a sliver
of your taffeta
But that is not enough
I'm screaming
at your door
So come on
Why don't you answer?
Oh, my love
I will forever, oh
So little
Why don't you answer?
Thank you.
you don't wanna know what this stuff
is made out of, I assure you, but...
You know, can you actually
give me one quick second?
Of course.
Oh, you were fucking
Like, I don't even know
how to put it into words.
I would need so many
different adjectives.
I would need a whole new
combo adjective.
Like you're
That comes close. That
was good.
Well, it's very nice
of you to say that.
Oh, yeah, of course. I don't wanna
lose my good Samaritan status.
Very sweet of you.
Hey, do you wanna smoke?
Oh, uh, no, no,
I'm fine.
But go ahead.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah. No, I like the smell.
I'll be your look out.
Thank you.
I think everyone else
on this street is stoned,
so you're in good company.
Go ahead, take it.
Oh, no, no.
That's okay.
You sure?
Actually, you know, is
there any left? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
Go ahead.
I'll be your look out.
Whoa! Man, slow down,
funky town. You okay?
Good, I'm good.
Hugh G. Rection, that's enough,
thank you very, very much.
Man down.
Man down.
That was a very admirable
effort, ladies and gentlemen.
But perhaps we learned that
being intoxicated isn't enough.
You've also gotta
have a story.
Don't come up on this stage
without a story, folks.
That's what we
wanna see, all right?
Who's up next?
Who's up next?
Let me see.
Oh, oh, dirty lady,
you can't come up here.
Get the fuck off
the stage, you bag lady!
Shit, really?
Ooh, this is highly
unusual, but...
Fuck it. I make the rules
as we go anyway.
And this is too good
to pass up.
We got another
performer, folks!
You didn't fucking
qualify, bitch! Get down.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you,
the one and hopefully only,
"Jeff Brown eats his own
boogers and I should know
"because I used to live
with the fucking loser. "
You got anything
to say up top?
Yeah. My real name
is Kara Jenkins.
And uh, this is my interpretation of
what's it like to have sex with a penis
the size of a toothpick.
This is gonna be
exciting, folks.
Hit it!
Oh, no, ma'am.
So then, you've,
so you've performed...
Well, in a living room,
I did, yeah. Oh, gosh.
That's terrifying.
Are you sure you're okay? Great, yeah.
So are you, uh...
Like, on a label?
No, not yet.
Wait, that's dumb,
you know.
I don't know, you just
seem so, you're so good.
Thank you.
Well, I've come close
a few times and...
Recently, a few very
influential nerds on the internet
have written about me, so...
Wow, do you have a pretty big
internet footprint, would you say?
Um... What if I googled you right now?
What would I find?
I don't know.
What was the song
that you, um...
Oh, I haven't
put that one.
I haven't put that up yet.
What's up?
Is that pretty strong?
Uh, stuff that we...
That we smoked? Um...
Not really.
I'm spinning.
You're spinning?
I think we should
probably lie down.
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
No, that's okay.
That's... that's okay.
I'm, um...
Oh, God.
No, no.
Ah, shit. Why did I
smoke? I never smoke.
I don't know, why did you?
You looked so cool
doing it, and...
I'm an idiot, I think.
It's okay.
You are also very
cute. Yeah, so are you.
You know,
I'm still spinning.
So, I can't even...
Don't, don't.
There's like three of you.
Just talk about normal stuff. Okay.
Yeah, I'm normal.
So, what about you? What is
your thing, what do you do?
Uh, writing...
Where can I see it?
No, you can't.
It's, uh...
Too weird, but still
trying and I'm doing
a restaurant job in LA
like everybody else there.
LA, huh?
Mr. 213, it all makes sense now. Yeah.
What part of town
do you live in?
I live in Los Feliz.
The eastsiders.
Anything west to the 101 sort
of makes me wanna kill myself.
Okay, yeah, laughing hurts
actually, that's... Oh, no.
Well, if we can't laugh
and you can't look at me,
what else do we have
to do here?
Oh, shit. Haley,
I have to, uh...
Tell you about
something, um...
Your phone?
There's a voicemail on
here from my ex-girlfriend.
And I don't know
what it says.
Maybe she wants to get back together
or maybe she's telling me to fuck off.
Because, I, um...
I came here
on a day's notice,
'cause I found out that
she was coming.
But then I met you, and...
It has been
awesome, but I just, just, if
I don't listen to it, I'm...
You should listen to it.
Thank you
for coming tonight.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
Good luck with the lady.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
And now...
Booger! That's it.
And now, Saurus Sex.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we got a tie.
It's a fuck-off.
All right, all right.
Y'all know the rules.
In a fuck-off,
there are no rules,
except, no touching.
Keep the sex in the air,
not the genitals!
Music, please.
Oh, shit!
What are you doing?
No touching.
It's a violation! Break
it up. Break it up.
Hi, Stan.
Wow, um...
I haven't said those
words in months.
I was just calling,
because, um...
Because, um...
I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm so sorry.
I'm, I'm being an idiot.
Okay, um...
Thank you for dinner.
Well, have
a good night.
You, too.
Mmm... Wait.
Oh, one second.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, it's Cathy.
Are you kidding me?
Hey, girl, what's up?
I ruined the date.
I... I ruined it!
I just, just...
Obliterated it!
I dropped
the toast and I started crying.
And he took me to Justine's.
Justine's of all places!
Oh, my God, he took
you to Justine's.
He must've really
wanted to fuck you.
Who cares who wants
to fuck Cathy?
Cathy, I'm leaking into my pants
right now. Put a cork in it, asshole.
Wait, is that Jeff?
What's going on?
Are you guys
back together? Maybe.
Oh, my God.
He's calling me.
Who, Tim?
No, no, it's Stan.
Stan's calling you?
Oh, that fucking loser.
Oh, shit.
Not now, dude.
Look, you're right, I'm
sorry. I bailed on you tonight.
I bailed on you the last six
months. I don't care if you do
slam poetry,
I don't care if you air sex.
Awesome, awesome.
Great, dude, I'm stoked.
Listen, I need a favor.
I need you to apologize to
Cathy, tell her you love her.
Make up with her, move back to
Austin and have little Stanleys.
I don't care, but you gotta get her
off the phone with my girlfriend,
because she's blocking me from
getting the pussy that I deserve.
Shut up.
Fuck you!
Shut up!
Wait, she's on the phone
with Kara, right now?
Wait, who's Jeff talking to?
Who do you think?
You know, just talk
to each other.
Guys, talk. Use your words, please, go.
Okay, seriously?
Look, you guys either
belong together or you don't,
but this wishy-washy-in-between
shit has gotta go.
Actually, Stan, I know
what you should do. Listen,
there's edible underwear in the
medicine cabinet at Redge's house.
The red ones taste terrible, but
the other... How do you know that?
Because, we were stoned
and we had no food
Just shut up, shut up.
Forgive each other for
ruining a great relationship
and move on.
Either way we love you.
Stan, for bailing on me because
I was incredible on stage tonight.
Oh, I fucking destroyed
you! Everybody knows that...
It's not that kind
of cab, guys.
Look out.
Are you okay?
Is my penis, really,
really that small?
I love it.
And what about
my cavern?
It's like
a little child's.
Better not know what that
fucking feels like, you pedo.
I was complimenting
your vagina.
I said a nice thing.
You hit me in the
fucking ear with a chip.
Good to see you, Cathy.
Bye, Jeff.
Ah, you called a cab? Just give
me two minutes, I can take you.
No, no, I, uh,
heard you, um...
Using the microwave
this morning.
And I didn't wanna bug.
So, did you guys talk?
Um, no.
Nope, we did not.
Then why are you smiling?
We did not talk at all.
Fuck, yes!
Oh, shit!
I'm so sore.
Oh, that's my girl.
I'm so sore.
You called a cab?
Yeah, I didn't know
if I was gonna see you.
Oh, don't. It's no problem.
I'm actually very surprised
to see you in pants this early.
Did you call her?
Why are you glowing?
Why are you so happy?
Why are you happy? What
happened last night, huh?
Did you call that new girl?
Did you have sex
with that new girl?
Did you fuck that new
girl? Oh, we made love
and it was so sweet.
Dude, she's such a good
cuddler. What are you doing?
We talked for hours. Get off
me! You're not doing it right.
That's not the way you do
that. Get rid of the cab,
I'm driving you to the
airport, Jesus Christ!
Hey, listen man, can I just
give you ten bucks?