Love and Hostages (2016) Movie Script
1
[MIXED CHATTER]
MAN: So my options are
to leave you alone,
or to buy you a drink
and then leave you alone?
WOMAN: One more option
than you had a minute ago.
I'm Ava.
MAN:
Ava.
That's beautiful.
That's a name
I'll never forget... forget.
[GROANS]
[CREAKING]
[SIGHS]
Ugh!
Ugh.
Fuck!
What the hell
did you do last night?
Oh, God.
Where is my Phone?
What the...?
What is...?
Oh, gross.
Oh my...
Oh... no.
At least you remembered
to use protection.
Gross.
Yuck.
Nope.
You saw the whole thing,
didn't you?
Didn't you?
What are you still
doing here?
- I tried...
- Turnaround!
Really? Didn't I see
you naked last night...
- Turn around!
- Okay.
Okay, look,
last night, whatever it was,
I'm sure it was fun,
but it was a huge mistake.
I don't think
your understanding me.
I tried to leave, but I was held
back before I got to the stairs.
That is so sweet that you came
back for a second chance...
- What?
- but I'm not interested
in a relationship
right now.
I am very happy
with how my life is right now.
So if you are here for some
sort of love connection,
well, then, you are riding
down a lonely one-way street.
- Now please, can you leave?
- I told you...
Look get out of here
before I call the cops!
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER,
HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Ah, wow.
That was fast?
Ma'am, inside!
Close the door!
Okay.
- What was that?
- I don't know,
- it's your apartment building.
- Well, what did he say?
I don't know,
I was too busy pissing pants.
Ma'am, please,
for your safety,
- close the door.
- Yeah, I know, I know, I heard that part.
But you see,
can he just sneak right past you?
Is he holding you
against your will?
- No, but...
- Is he hurting you?
- Well, no, but I just...
- Please, back inside!
Look, listen,
I'll be real honest with you,
I made a mistake last night,
you know,
a one-night stand.
You know, I just want to put
this whole thing behind me and...
- [THUD]
- Wha..?
Oh.
Oh.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Maybe you can make
a run for it?
Make a run for it?
Do you want me to get shot?
Well, you can't stay here.
- Why?
- I don't know you.
You could be a serial killer.
Actually, you can be the one
the cops are looking for.
Of course, that's why they
pushed you back in here with me.
You know, what?
Look...
- Do you even know my name?
- Yeah. I know your name.
- Uh, uh... Paco.
- Paco?
Okay, fine.
I don't remember your name.
- Paco?
- All right, fine!
But I get a pass on the name,
seeing as how
you were trying to sneak out
on a girl you just slept with,
- without even leaving a note.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- You were pretending to be asleep.
- No, I wasn't.
- Please, I could have walked
a marching band through your room
this morning trying to sneak out.
Aha! I knew it!
So you were trying to sneak out.
Aha! So you were pretending
to be asleep!
- Can I use your phone?
- What's wrong with yours?
Well, I don't want to use
my minutes.
- Really?
- No, damn it.
It's out of battery.
It'll be quick.
What? Do you have to call
your girlfriend?
My girlfriend?
What are you jealous?
Oh, please,
don't flatter yourself.
Look, I just want to call
my brother
so he can get me
out of this mess.
I don't have my phone.
- What?
- I don't have my phone, okay?
I probably
left it at the bar
or in my car or...
oh my God!
Did I drive home last night?
No, I wouldn't have done that.
You probably drove.
Which means, you probably
put our lives in danger.
I didn't have
my car last night.
- If anything you drove.
- Oh, please,
I don't text and drive,
and I don't drink and drive.
Oh, you don't have
one-night stands either.
No, I don't have
one-night st...
Oh, very funny.
Haha.
Where's your TV?
- I don't own a TV.
- What?
- I don't own a TV.
- Who doesn't own a TV?
My cousin has a 70-inch
TV and he's six.
I want a TV,
I just don't have one yet.
My roommate, who moved
out, took the TV.
Okay?
Fine, how about a computer?
- Hello?
- Alex.
Yeah!
Who's this?
Who's this?
Alex, it's me.
Oh, ho, ho.
Hey, Mikey!
Where the hell are you?
Don't call me Mikey.
Listen, I need your...
Did you bang that chick
at the bar?
How do you know about
the girl at the bar?
ALEX: You two were
pretty cozy when we left.
I figured that's the most action
you've had in awhile.
You left me at the bar?
So how many friction fires
did you start last night?
The what? Alex,
I don't want to talk about it.
Ha, ha, ha! Ouch!
Little Mikey strikes out?
No, I didn't strike out.
I just don't remember what happened.
Wow, you have the liquor
tolerance of a hamster.
Alex!
I'm not fucking around, man!
We're stuck inside
this apartment because something
is going on outside
and we can't leave.
I need you to see
what's going on at...
- Waverly Apartments.
- Waverly Apartments.
Is that the chick?
Ah ha!
So you did stick it to her?
Good for you.
She was pretty hot.
- Waverly Apartments, Alex!
- Jesus! Hold on.
Attitude.
I'm sorry.
He's charming.
What is he, your best friend?
Big brother.
ALEX: Hey,
you love birds are on every channel.
So what's her name?
Wow.
I don't believe it.
You don't remember
my name either.
No, I do, I do.
It's, um...
- Paco?
- Great.
Bro, you banged a chick
and don't remember her name?
I'm so proud of you.
Come on, I wish I could hug you right now.
Hug your monitor.
Just hug it for me.
- Stay out of this, Alex!
- You know what?
That's enough.
Hi, how are you?
Wow. Tell me your name,
I promise I won't forget it.
Oh yeah,
my name is Ava.
ALEX:
Hi, Ava.
- Props brother, mad props!
- Okay. Hey, focus!
Can you please just tell us
what is going on?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, I don't get it.
I think we lost
the connection.
I think the screen
is frozen.
I don't know,
we lost the connection or something.
- What is going on outside?
- Oh my God!
Hey, your brother is stuck inside me...
my apartment,
and I would love
to get him out of here.
So if you could, just, please,
tell us what is going on?
For a pretty girl like you,
anything.
Lets see here.
Wow, looks like there's
a hostage situation.
They got the entire building
on lockdown.
So you two are fucked
for a while.
Well, okay, locked down?
Anything else?
What am I, CNN?
Alex, are you ready to go?
For God's sake,
I don't care what kind of cake
we get for the wedding,
chocolate, vanilla.
Who gives a fuck?
Does it look like I'm gonna eat it?
- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Denise.
- Is everything okay?
- No.
Jesus, woman. Can a man have a
conversation with his brother?
Yeah, but who is he with?
Is he with Jackie?
Wow!
He's like
a big teddy bear...
with rabies.
Ava?
Michael?
ALEX:
Michael.
Michael.
Would you quit fondling
your fries and eat.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not paying
if you're not gonna eat.
I didn't ask you to pay.
I'm just saying,
money is a little tight.
Yeah, I see that.
I'm gonna need you to cut
this attitude you got going,
it's really making me
lose my fucking appetite.
Is everything okay
for you guys?
Oh, everything's great, thanks.
Can I get another beer,
and when you get a chance,
can you please ask the chef
if he found my brother's balls
in the kitchen.
Yeah, they're very small.
I don't want him
to mistake them for like peas,
or rice, or something.
- I'll see what I can do.
- [SIGHS]
I'll just have another Diet,
thanks.
You're such an asshole,
you know that?
I told you
Jackie was trouble.
Wow!
Where did that come from?
I just knew.
Okay?
It's my job
to look out for you, Mikey.
Please don't call me that.
A woman like that is gonna have
you wrapped around her finger.
That's the difference
between you and me.
You're vulnerable.
It makes you weak.
Being vulnerable
makes me weak?
Yes.
Believe me,
I get the intrigue.
A woman like that,
has been around the block a few times,
probably does shit in bed
that would shock pornstars.
And what happened?
You fell in love and let
this girl get inside your head.
Now look at you.
You're like a neutered puppy.
Isn't that what happens
when you fall in love?
- Letting someone in.
- But I know who I am.
You can't let it trap you.
You can't let it mess with
who you are, man.
Love takes hostages
if you let it, bro.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Look, I don't want to see you
sitting around like the zombie
you've been doing
for the past few weeks.
I'm gonna be nice enough to let you tag
along with me and my friends tonight.
- How's that sound?
- Your bachelor party?
- No, that's all right.
- What? You've got other plans?
What are you gonna do, sit around,
watch "Beaches," eat a pint of ice cream?
I don't know who talked Denise
into wanting to marry you.
I'm your brother,
I don't have a choice
- but her on the other hand...
- You're coming.
How's that for a choice?
Look, just come
and have one drink.
Who knows,
maybe you'll meet a girl.
- What is wrong with this door?
- There's an idiot operating it.
The stick in the rail,
dummy.
What are you doing?
Anything I can
to get the hell out of here.
What are you going to jump?
Are you crazy?
I've done crazier things
to get away from a girl.
Shocker.
But we're three floors up.
A minute ago you were okay
with me getting gunned down.
Now you're worried
I'm gonna twist my ankle?
Fine, go ahead,
break your neck.
Hope you have good insurance.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
OFFICER:
Police! Don't move!
Stay right there!
Put your hands on your head!
[THUD]
Are you done,
Evil Knievel?
NEWSWOMAN: Yeah, we're still
trying to gather some details...
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
I think I got something.
NEWSWOMAN: An alleged gunman
entered this apartment complex
behind me around 3:00 a.m.
this morning believed to have
taken some hostages inside
one of the units here behind me.
And just a moment ago,
we saw that alleged gunman
that has forced authorities
to shutdown Collins Avenue
on that balcony
right behind me.
Yeah, okay. And we want to
make a correction there,
we are confirming now
that that man behind us
was actually
one of the residents inside
the apartment building
here behind us.
We don't know the condition
of any of the hostages.
Police are saying that this man
is on the run.
He is armed and believed
to be very dangerous.
That's why Local authorities
are not taking any risks here.
This apartment building
is on lockdown.
We'll stay on top
of these details
and bring you the very latest
as it develops.
Please, by all means,
make yourself at home.
I'm starving.
You have no food.
I'm so sorry
I didn't go grocery shopping.
If I had known that I would've been
locked up with you as a hostage,
I would have gone out
and bought beer and Twinkies.
What is all this?
Is this even edible?
- It's Vegan.
- You're Vegan?
You have a problem
with that?
Huh. Whatever.
There's a reason we're at
the top of the food chain.
- Thank God.
- Oh, uh, those are stale.
They were my roommate's.
It's not even opened,
Negative Nancy.
Sorry.
Ah, that's not the best thing
to eat on a hangover.
You're gonna get sick.
I'll be fine, mom.
- I told you.
- [BELCHES]
I could do without the live
studio audience, right now.
I'll make you something
that'll help your stomach.
How come
you're not throwing up?
- I never throw up.
- Never?
- Nope.
- Not even when you're sick?
That's included
in the "never."
You wouldn't happen to have
an extra toothbrush, would you?
Yes. Actually, it's in the
top drawer in the box labeled
"toothbrushes for guys
I sleep with."
A sense of humor.
Good to know you have one.
There should be
some mouthwash in there.
And, please make sure
you leave the seat down.
Thanks.
Hello.
Yeah.
- Ava?
- Shit.
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Just...
I'll be out there in a minute.
Gotta... ahem!... clean.
"And her loins quivered
as his young, nimble, hands
- ran up her mature thighs."
- What are you reading?
Research?
Oh, Ha-ha.
Very funny.
Hmm.
That's my sister's book.
Interesting read.
I thought you women were more into
- "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
- No, it's her book.
- As in, she wrote it.
- No way.
- She's a writer?
- I wouldn't call that writing.
Oh, yeah.
I just noticed all the pages
and the words
written on the pages.
- Yeah, it's amateur garbage.
- Ouch.
Family can be
the harshest critics.
You know,
I don't know you...
- Yeah, we've established that.
- But,
- are you jealous?
- What?
I mean, you're a writer,
aren't you?
Yeah, what I am
- is none of your business...
- Haven't been published?
Well, that's just
a matter of time...
Why would it bother you
one bit?
Your sister's a writer,
you're a writer,
she's been published,
you haven't.
She's my sister, of course,
I'm very happy for her.
[SCOFFS]
- [SNICKERS]
- [LAUGHS]
WOMAN READING:
"Natasha's shirt was torn open
by the muscular Brock,
revealing her ample
but aged breasts.
With one cupping,
her nipples were erect.
Her flower was now soaked.
She didn't want to prolong
the anticipation,
she wanted it fast
- and she wanted it furious.
- [CROWD GASPS]
Brock could feel
the carnal sexual frustration
and return the favor...
- fifty times over.
- [GASPS]
She thanked her lucky stars
the last few hours
in which she met
this wonderful man
and though she'd have to return
to solving her sister's murder
she knew this moment
belonged to her.
She tried
to take it all in
and soon she will be taking
- all of him in.
- [GASPS]
He laid her on the ground,
his body molded to hers.
Need you now.
Her legs wrapped around his waist.
His nails dug into her back.
'Take me! Take me!
- Take me! Take me!'"
- [BOOK DROPS, MIKE FEEDBACK]
- [MOUTHING: I'M SORRY.]
- MAN: Sit down. Sit down.
- Sit down.
- I'm so sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"The propulsion
of his manly love muscle
inside her aching
'rumpelslitskin'
made her toes curl..."
[SCOFFS]
You know,
you didn't have to come.
Yeah, I wanted to come,
be there for my little sis.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, Of course I did.
Oh, save it!
Mom told me about your little
- meltdown yesterday.
- What?
Oh, please,
don't act all shocked.
Okay, well, I wouldn't call
that a meltdown.
- Oh no, well, what then?
- Um, more like, uh,
expressing my feelings through
- entitled rage.
- Entitled?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah. Kind of.
Oh, come on!
Writing has always
been my thing.
It's been what I wanted to do
since the 4th grade.
You, you wanted to be
a, a Las Vegas showgirl,
but you don't
see me in pasties and tassels.
I wanted to be a ballerina,
you twat.
And I'm not competing
with you.
You have always been
competing with me.
- How so?
- Oh, well how?
Well, let's see,
ah, you, you,
- you hit puberty before I did...
- Kinda not my fault.
You kissed a boy before I did,
- you lost your, your, your...
- Virginity?
Yeah!
Virginity, that!
Now you write a book
and publish it before I do.
- Come on!
- You know, I actually thought
that you were gonna be
happy for me
- like a sister usually is.
- I am. I am.
I am... not.
Sorry.
- Unbelievable!
- Sure...
You know what?
You know why I always beat you
at this little imaginary
competition you have going?
Because I'm not trapped in
my own insecurities.
- That is absolutely not...
- What, not, not true? Really?
Well, tell me this,
where is this amazing book
you keep telling me
you're writing?
Okay, well, obviously
with everything that's going on
- I haven't been able to fin...
- Uh-huh.
Wow.
I can freaking
get in my car, too.
Hey!
Maybe is time that you faced
the fact and just move on.
Were you talking about
the book?
Great!
Love you!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Fuck this!
- Are you trying to poison me?
- [LAUGHS] Just drink it.
It'll make you feel better.
Wow, this actually isn't bad.
Mm, and it's Vegan.
So, I uh,
I guess we just wait
this thing out?
Yeah, I guess.
So who's this roommate
of yours?
- Does she have a name?
- Yes, it's, None Ya Business.
Huh.
I mean, wow, you two must've
really had it out.
- She took all your stuff.
- Look, um,
just because we're stuck
in this apartment together
doesn't mean that I'm just gonna
open up to you and tell you
- my life story.
- Fair enough.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
- So, you want to have sex?
- What?
I mean, neither of us
remember having it.
And there's absolutely
nothing to do.
And we're completely bored.
So, I figured it would be fun.
Wow, yeah,
when you put it that way.
So you see where
I'm coming from?
[LAUGHS]
I am not having sex with you.
Why not?
I find you somewhat attractive.
At least when you're not
constantly rolling your eyes at me.
And come on,
I know you find me attractive.
Nope.
Come on, we can kill
a few minutes.
I'm sorry.
A few minutes?
- I'm not Superman.
- Yeah...
Clearly.
[LAUGHS]
You know,
maybe it's a good thing
we don't remember having sex last
night, spared us the inevitable
- disappointment.
- Disappointment?
Your perception of what sex
might have been like last night
will never match to the reality
of the situation.
And what is this reality?
That sex last night
was a mistake
and probably
a complete disaster.
Ugh, and going to that bar
last night the worst mistake
- I've ever made.
- Ugh! Get in line, Ava.
At least see the silver lining,
you're not alone.
- What?
- Look.
We are not responsible for
whatever is happening next door
nor do we have any control
of the situation.
So I'm just saying,
at least you're not alone
and at least
you have me as company.
Yeah.
Some company.
- Was that your first time?
- First time what?
One-night stand?
Uh, Yes. You?
- No.
- Oh, okay,
so you just go to the bars
looking to get laid?
Oh, come on,
isn't that the reason single people
- go to bars anyway?
- Yeah, of course,
good-looking guy, goes to a bar
to find a vulnerable...
- You think I'm good looking.
- Don't change the subject.
- Okay, fine, you got me.
- God.
I actually have a rewards card
that I'm filing out
with women that I've slept with.
I'll go ahead and scratch off
one lonely insecure woman
and now all I need
is a one-legged Brazilian
and I can finally get
the free sub.
Wow, aren't you just
the catch of the century.
- [LAUGHS]
- You know what?
Think whatever you want, Paco.
I don't really care.
And you want to know the truth?
I don't even like going to bars.
- In fact, I rarely drink.
- Oh, please.
Being at that bar
last night
was the last thing
I wanted to do.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, that makes two of us.
Two more for table nine.
Coming up.
Can I get you anything else,
darling?
My sister at the bottom
of a cliff.
- What?
- No thanks,
I'm fine with this.
Ugh.
You're not seriously
gonna sit here all night?
- I can just go.
- No!
Get your fucking mind off her.
Look around you.
Everybody's having fun.
So should you.
Define, fun?
You see what
you're doing right now?
The exact fucking opposite.
Get wasted, go fuck a random
girl, get an STD,
I don't know,
I don't care.
Look around you, there's more
ass in here than a donkey ranch.
Now go make a fool of yourself
and talk to one.
The brunette at the bar.
No, nah, I'm not
gonna go talk to her.
What's wrong with her?
I'd hit it.
- Don't be such a pussy, Mikey.
- Don't call me that.
- Mikey or Pussy?
- Either.
Just go talk to her.
She's alone at the bar,
drinking.
I don't know,
maybe she's an alcoholic.
Oh, maybe.
Fish in a barrel, baby.
If I go talk to her,
then can I leave?
Yes, but seriously
go talk to her,
don't just fucking wave at her
like you have tourettes.
And then you can go home
and hang yourself if you want.
'Cause if I keep seeing you
acting like this,
I'll fucking hang myself.
Forget about her.
Go get fucking laid.
Can I help you, sir?
- Can I get a Roy Rogers?
- Seriously?
Roy Rogers.
Hi.
Wrong pipe.
Seven dollars.
Thank you.
Oh, can I get...
I'm not gonna get change, am I?
[LAUGHS]
- I'm Michael.
- I don't care.
Are you here alone?
Yes, and I plan
to keep it that way.
- Can I buy you a drink.
- No, I don't think so.
- Come on, just one drink.
- No really, I'm fine.
Come on,
one harmless drink?
Look, I don't know you,
I don't care to know you.
You might actually
be a nice guy, I don't know,
you seem a little nerdy to me.
But if you came over here
with the pre-conceived notion
that I would accept your
drink offer on the off-chance
that I would
hookup with you,
or that I would find
your come on's so charming,
that I would give you a blowjob
in the men's bathroom,
well then,
I think you might've started
a conversation
with the wrong girl.
Wait. I... um,
look, I'm so sorry.
I'm, I'm being really rude.
- Rough night?
- [SIGHS]
You have no idea.
Look, um,
if I let you
buy a me a drink,
will you
leave me alone then?
So, my options
are to leave you alone,
or to buy you a drink
and then leave you alone?
One more option
than you had a minute ago.
Okay, tell you what,
I'll buy you that drink,
because it seems you need one
more than I do.
And when that drink
is finished,
I'll decide whether or not
I want to keep talking to you.
Hah, okay Miguel,
one drink.
It's... Mike...
Forget it.
I'm Ava.
Ava.
That's beautiful.
That's a name
I'll never forget.
What are those cops doing,
they're just talking out there.
Maybe you should go outside
and share your concerns.
I'm sure they're taking
suggestions.
Can't a sniper
just take this guy out?
Why, you have someplace
important to be?
Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
My brother's wedding
is on Sunday.
Someone actually
wants to marry that oaf?
Hey, you can't talk about
my brother like that.
I can.
- You. No.
- Sorry.
It's okay.
He's an asshole.
He doesn't even
believe in marriage.
So then why get married?
Pretty girl, half his age,
I.Q. of a lamppost.
Obeys his every command.
His poor fiance...
- The lamppost?
- Yeah. She doesn't even realize
he's gonna bang half the
bridesmaids before the wedding.
I take it you're following in
your big brother's footsteps.
Hey, I am nothing like
my brother.
Okay?
Look.
He's always been there for me,
and I can't ignore that.
We can learn a thing or two
from our siblings.
He's got a really big heart,
unfortunately his mouth
is bigger.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
So how much did
we drink last night?
Pfft.
So, you don't remember
anything else?
Nope.
- You?
- No.
I do remember you not wanting
anything to do with me.
And you were more than
a little guarded.
You were having a rough night.
Hmm.
Try a rough year.
Oh?
Why? You want my autobiography
or something?
Come on,
we could be stuck here for hours.
Do you just want to sit here
in silence?
Uh, yeah.
Considering my head
is still spinning
that doesn't sound like
a bad idea.
I don't know, I just,
I just didn't want to be
here alone last night.
So I figured
going to a loud bar
would be better than
sitting here in silence.
You go to a bar
to not to be alone,
yet you want to be
left alone?
Hmm, the irony
that is my life.
Well, I'm glad you decided
to have drinks with me.
Or how ever many...
Roy Rogers.
Roy Rogers.
You were drinking
Roy Rogers.
- You want another one?
- Yeah, sure.
- What can I get you guys?
- Can I get another Roy Rogers?
And whatever she's having.
- I'll have another wine.
- Yeah, sure.
What kind of woman
comes to a bar to drink wine?
What kind of man comes to a bar
to drink a Roy Rogers?
A manly one.
And by manly you mean,
coke and grenadine?
- What?
- Yeah.
A Roy Rogers
is a coke and grenadine,
kind of like
a Shirley Temple.
- No, it has alcohol.
- No, it doesn't.
And you have a vast knowledge
of cocktail drinks, how?
Because, my ex-boyfriend
was a bartender.
- That's your ex-boyfriend?
- What? No.
Hey, excuse me.
What's in a Roy Rogers?
- Coke and grenadine.
- Hah!
I've been drinking
Cherry Coke?
I thought you were
the designated driver.
Wait, seven bucks?
Scotch.
On the rocks.
- What kind?
- Huh?
- What type of scotch?
- The alcohol kind?
[LAUGHS]
Give my friend here
a Johnny on the rocks
with a splash of soda.
We don't want him
to hurt himself.
Oh, actually,
I'll have one, too.
Don't know much
about alcohol, huh?
I've never been much
of a drinker.
I used to date this girl
who liked to drink a little
too much, kind of put me off.
Oh, so no alcohol whatsoever?
The occasional beer,
socially.
Oh, are we being social now?
I don't know.
So, okay,
why scotch then?
My dad loved scotch,
he had one every night
till the day he died.
Oh.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.
- What was that?
- Sorry.
- Oh man,
- and you called me a nerd?
- Yeah, about that...
No, that's okay.
You never know, I could be one.
Mm-hmm.
I am wearing
Superman underwear.
What? No?
No way.
- You are?
- I don't know.
No...
Okay. No, no, no, no, it's Okay.
I believe you.
I believe you.
Just keep your pants on.
Could you please?
- Thanks.
- [SIGHS]
I feel like
I'm in detention.
I'm just waiting
for Principal Holmes
to scream out my name.
How come that
doesn't surprise me?
I bet you spent
a lot of time in there.
Well, you see there's a balance
of clichs in high school.
Some of us need to be
the popular ones.
We can't all be super nerds.
I'm right, huh? Probably spent your
weekends with your face in a book.
Didn't have many boyfriends,
did you?
- I didn't want one.
- Uh-huh.
Let me guess.
You lost your virginity in college.
And when did you lose yours?
In Kindergarten?
You want to know how many girls
I finger painted?
- Oh my God, you're revolting.
- Revolting?
I wasn't the one in the bar
looking to get laid last night.
I was not looking to get laid.
Fine, whatever.
You have some unresolved issues.
And that's okay.
And you?
You don't have any issues?
I can fill half the books
on this bookshelf
- with my issues.
- Oh, yeah.
Self-centered, narcissistic,
resentful, let's see,
- lack of social skills.
- To name a few.
Put that down!
This is not your apartment.
You know what,
add lack of manners to your growing list
of charming qualities.
Was that your book?
Yes.
As a matter of fact, it is.
But if you want, I can find
something more at your reading level.
How about a pop-up book?
Great, maybe I can paper cut
myself to death.
Stupid.
So what's your book about?
Romance?
Thriller?
It's Porn.
Plain and simple.
I mean, I can't believe
she got that garbage published.
You know, she didn't even
want to be a writer.
You know what she was?
An escort!
True story.
Really?
What's her number?
Not funny.
No, she used to want to be
a ballerina
but when she moved to New York
she couldn't find work,
so she became a stripper,
and then
she became an escort.
- Thank you for clarifying.
- Mm,
and now...
now she wants to be me.
Wouldn't she rather be
an escort?
And my parents still think
she's just this little angel.
- Ugh!
- Ugh, I'm sensing some jealousy.
Now I'm sensing some
homicidal thoughts.
Why can't I get published?
You know,
I'm a good writer.
I'm a good writer.
My books are like
interesting and fascinating.
- I would read your book.
- You would?
If it is both interesting
and fascinating.
If it's only one or the other
I won't touch it.
I mean, who really wants to read
an erotic murder mystery
at a... at a
Justin Bieber concert?
I think my mom bought a copy.
You're so...
- Whoa.
- Oh!
Nope, I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Hello.
Okie dokie.
You are insane.
"Die Hard 2" is not better than
the original "Die Hard."
Yes!
Are you kidding?
"Die Hard" one is considered
the standard by which
all other action movies
are made.
The flawed, average guy
gets impossible odds.
"Die Hard 2" was just a less
superior carbon copy of the first.
[GIGGLES]
You saw something in my teeth?
No.
You just sound smarter
when you're drunk.
Is that a compliment?
I don't know,
action movies nowadays suck.
Man, I just can't believe
you like action movies.
Why? There's nothing
wrong with that.
No, I know, I know, it's just,
you seem more like a
"Beaches" or Dirty Dancers
kind of girl.
- No, "Dancing."
- What?
"Dancing."
"Dirty Dancing."
And no way, I would take
Willis over Swayze any day.
- Me, too.
- [LAUGHS]
Jackie would never watch
action movies.
- She called them distasteful.
- Who's Jackie?
Oh, it's my ex-girlfriend.
I mean, fiance.
You were engaged?
For about six months.
Yes, I was.
Until I found out
she cheated on me.
Oh, that's rough.
- Boom.
- Wow.
Three months salary, huh?
And my left kidney.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't want you to think...
- No, no, it's...
Why do you still keep that?
Because.
- You know.
- Yeah.
- I don't know.
- [LAUGHS]
You know,
eventually you're gonna
have to move on.
Yeah.
You need a shot.
Hi.
Hi, come here.
Can we have two lemon
drops, please?
I'm sorry guys,
it's last call at the bar.
- Seriously?
- It's been a long day.
Two lemon drops?
Just two.
Please?
- Just for you.
- Thank you.
MAN:
Come on.
Shit.
I gotta get going before...
- Get your hands off me.
- BARTENDER: Sir.
Don't touch the lady.
I warned you.
Finish your drink
and get out.
Thank you.
- Shit! They fucking left me!
- Who?
My brother
and his dick friends.
They're probably
at some strip club.
Ugh! With my sister!
Yeah.
AVA:
Hey, um,
do you want
to get out of here?
- Together?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
Okay.
Drink to that.
Oh, really.
You weirdo.
Get off of me.
Oh, God, get off of me!
I warned you!
My car is across the street.
Can you drive?
Probably not straight.
No. Man.
Hey!
I don't bite, nena.
Nice and clean inside.
You need to go someplace?
- A little maybe salsa dancing.
- Ho, ho, oh my God.
Okay, a little more exotic.
I take you.
- Where do you two want to go?
- My place?
- We can go to mine.
- I'm not too far.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yours?
Yeah, yours.
We can go to yours.
Okay, okay, okay,
conversation in car, okay?
- We decide then.
- [TWO GUNSHOTS]
Oh, shit!
Vamos! Vamos! Vamos!
We gotta go, we gotta go,
que nos matan coo!
Oh, shit!
9-1-1!
We need a police officer...
DISPATCH:
All drivers be advised,
gunshots reported on
Hollywood Blvd.
Police are setting up
roadblocks.
No passengers are to be
picked up in the vicinity.
Uh, I've haven't
done this before.
- Oh, we don't have to...
- No!
I mean, yes.
I mean, I want to.
Hey, driver, you can take
Biscayne to 163rd.
Whatever you want, sweetheart.
You two just enjoy the ride.
If you need anything,
just let me know.
Name is Francisco.
Friends call me Paco.
Oh, Paco.
Thank you, Paco.
Paco.
When we get back
to my place,
uh, I think we should,
you know, take it easy.
I have rules.
- Rules?
- Yeah.
- What kind of rules?
- Rule number one,
do you have protection?
Check!
Oh no, you shouldn't keep those
in your wallet.
- The heat and friction...
- What am I suppose to do?
- They don't deliver.
- Rule number two,
if you're gonna
spend the night with me
you can't sneak out.
I would never.
I swear.
I would never sneak out.
Rule number three.
And this one's the most important.
I am not looking
for a relationship.
If you are looking
for puppy love,
then you should buy
a puppy.
Fine by me.
No relationship.
I mean it, I don't even want
to talk about relationships.
Then let's not talk.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[MOCKING] Let's not talk.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, okay!
Straight face!
Stop the cab!
What's going on now?
I can go for a hot dog!
Keep the change.
Take care, esa nena, papa!
Use protection! Protection!
What's up?
Great day for
a hostage gig, huh?
Hey, anybody in there?
- Psst.
- Hello?
Over here.
Hey, hey, over here.
- Sir, please stay inside.
- That's what I'm doing.
- Look, I'm inside.
- Close the door.
Look, my girlfriend
is very scared in here,
and she doesn't
handle stress very well.
We don't have a TV
and we just want to know
what's going on outside.
You don't have a TV?
It's a long story.
Could you give us like an ETA?
Or maybe order us
a pizza or something?
Hey, you're the
one-night stand couple?
- [LAUGHS]
- Great, we're famous.
Yeah, it is you two.
The officers were telling me
about you guys.
So maybe you can understand
why I need to get
- the hell out of here.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You can't leave until
this has been resolved.
Why not?
You're a lot safer
just staying inside
and don't open the door
to anybody.
- I can't be here.
- Look, kid.
We're doing the best we can.
If you want
out of here so bad,
maybe next time you'll know
something about the girl
you're hooking up with.
Good luck.
[LAUGHS]
- Hey, what did he say?
- We're shit out of luck.
- He said that?
- I'm paraphrasing.
- [RINGING]
- Ugh, it's your brother.
[GROANS]
- [COMPUTER BEEPING]
- What was that?
- What?
- You just declined his call.
Yeah, I figured he's the last person
we should be talking to right now.
You figured?
You figured
I didn't want to talk to him?
Okay, Michael,
he didn't exactly enhance the situation
last time you were
on the phone with him.
- It all makes sense now!
- And what's that?
Why your roommate packed
her bags and got the hell out.
- I understand completely.
- Excuse me?
If I would've known
how manipulative you were,
I would've never bought you
that first drink.
You're not fooling me
with this little act you put on.
Oh, I would never have a guy
up to my apartment.
Give me a fucking break!
You play with people feelings
and then in the end
she just grabs my heart
and destroys it.
She?
- Why am I here?
- What?
Why... why am I here?
- Obviously we're trapped here.
- No!
Why did you invite me
up to your apartment?
I, I don't remember!
Were you so desperate
for company
that you would've
slept with the first guy
who made you feel special?
Why?
Because everyone else
leaves you?
Even your roommate
couldn't stand you.
Your stupid vegan food,
your critiquing of everything,
your zero self-esteem.
I am this close
to jumping out the window!
Good!
Maybe you should, you jerk.
God, you'd be better off dead
than left here with me,
just like Kevin.
Kevin?
Oh my God,
this tastes so good! Mm.
You never had a hot dog?
- None in six years.
- Really?
I'm vegan.
Aren't hot dogs one of
the seven vegan mortal sins?
Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna finish that?
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
- Oh my God, look over there.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh my God.
I miss meat so much.
So what's it like,
being vegan?
What's that suppose to mean?
- It's not like I have herpes.
- Herpes?
- [sirens blaring
- Oh My God, No! I mean, like,
being ve... oh God,
no, no one has herpes.
Wait, do you?
- No.
- Then it should be fine.
It should be okay, right?
- That you're vegan?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't care.
- Oh.
I've had relationships end
because of my choice
in dietary lifestyle.
- Haaah.
- Rule number one.
- Don't talk about "Fight Club."
- Not... relationships!
- No talking about them.
- You brought it up.
And I am taking it back.
Those are the rules,
and I'm sticking to them.
You're making this up
as you go.
- Fine, no relationships.
- Mm-hmm.
But I don't see how anybody
wouldn't want be with you.
I find you fascinating.
A vegan writer
who likes action movies...
- I'd marry you tomorrow.
- Awe, you would?
Abso-fucking-lutley.
- Tell that to Kevin.
- Who the hell is Kevin?
Oh, um...
my ex-boyfriend.
I came home a few weeks ago
and he was gone.
He even took my TV!
Wow.
What a tool.
Yes.
Yes, he is a tool.
I don't know,
I guess we've both been pretty
screwed with relationships.
Yep.
How about we get a drink?
To forget about being screwed.
Wait, do you think
that's a good idea?
We're both pretty drunk.
Okay.
Wait, no, no, no.
You get, get one.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, will you get me one, too?
- [IMITATES GUNFIRE]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Who's this?
- [PHONE BEEPS]
Michael, it's Jackie.
I know you're probably still mad at me
and I should've
called sooner.
You are such a great guy
and never gave me
a dull moment in bed.
You always kept me
on my toes...
Oh, man.
JACKIE:
...literally.
Anyways, I'm very sorry
for what I did to you.
I hope you can forgive me,
and if we can talk
like mature adults...
Beers!
I hope you like beer!
Oh yeah,
that's fine.
- Ava, I have been thinking.
- Yeah?
- And I've decided...
- Decided?
that I do want to keep
talking to you.
- Aahh.
- Cheers, Michael.
- To better love ahead.
- Abso-fucking-lutely!
- [HICCUPS]
- Whoa, are you okay?
I'm not feeling so good.
- Are you gonna throw up?
- No!
Oh my God,
no I never, never...
So much for never.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think that's it.
Oh God!
It looks like oatmeal.
- Ugh.
- Are you okay?
- No, I just get...
- Look away and breathe.
- [GAGS]
- Breathe, breathe.
Ugh, well,
I'm having fun.
Maybe I should get you home.
What?
No!
Let's not let a little throwup
ruin the night.
- [LAUGHS]
- Where do you want to go next?
I don't know.
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's squishy.
Ugh, you stepped in puke.
Ava?
- Ava, look, I'm sorry.
- Michael, just,
just stay out there and I'll
stay in here until this is over.
I know what
you're going through.
Please, Just go away!
I was engaged.
I was engaged
for about six months.
Her name's Jackie.
We'd been dating
for six years.
She was, um, perfect.
Or at least
I thought she was.
I don't know what I was thinking
when I proposed to her.
I lost my dad
the year before,
and he always liked Jackie.
I guess I was being impulsive.
I just never thought
she'd cheat on me.
Alex is right,
I'm way too vulnerable.
I was about to marry
this horrible person.
And I can't even
find the ring.
I think I lost it last night.
It doesn't matter.
'Cause you can't fix something
that's meant to be broken.
Ava, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, you hungry?
I think the hostage negotiator
guy ordered pizza.
[LAUGHS]
I came home and all
my things were gone.
I really thought
that he was the one.
He was always
there for me until...
I don't know, I just...
I never thought
that he would leave.
But I know
that it's my fault.
How is it your fault?
I've never been
in a relationship
where I found
myself opening up.
Um, I don't do too well
when I'm not in control.
But then again, here we are,
so, go figure.
You know,
maybe it's not about
being in control,
maybe it's about
opening up...
What, being vulnerable?
Sorry.
No, it's okay,
you're right.
Speaking of vulnerable.
- Is that my ring?
- I'm sorry.
Oh My God!
- Did we get married?
- What? No!
I just,
I saw it in my room,
and I was just being
so stupid.
Your fiance
has really small fingers.
Ex-fiance.
I'm really sorry.
It's a beautiful ring.
You have great taste.
Thank you.
So why do you still keep it?
I don't know.
Wishful thinking.
So I guess part of me
still doesn't want to let go.
Holding on to the only thing
I've got left.
Thanks.
- [MIKE FEEDBACK]
- Good evening, townspeople.
My name is Michael "Shitz"...
I mean, Shultz.
- And this young lady is...
- Drunk!
And me and him
are gonna have sex later.
- I don't care what you say.
- BIKER: Yeah!
And then she's gonna
have sex with me!
Hey! And we're gonna
double team her.
- Double team!
- Yeah!
Hey!
In your dreams, Wild Hog!
Any time, baby!
Any time.
- Come on, baby.
- Call me tomorrow.
- Thank you, Ava.
- You're welcome.
- Ava!
- Yeah?
Moments like this make me feel
like I'm living on something.
- On What?
- On a prayer, Ava.
- On a prayer.
- Yeah.
[MIKE FEEDBACK]
Oh, you don't got that one?
Give me something else.
[MUSIC INTRO BEGINS]
You know I knew,
I do love you
But I love to do
what I'm gonna do
I'm just gonna drink it,
I will
Well, I can't stay here
It's like a prison in here
I see your grin,
you don't like my friends
I'm just gonna
drink in a beer
We'll have just one
Okay, maybe two
And feel like
It never gets young
Life is for living
And I'm gonna
drink it again
Life
Is for living
And I'm gonna drink in...
Life
Is for living
And I know in drinking
A...
Again
Again
Again
Again
Again, again, again
Again, again
Again, again,
again, again
Again!
I hate Larry Bird.
[LAUGHS]
Dinosaurs.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
No.
[LAUGHS]
Let me see.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, that's a... whoa.
Okay.
Hey, I live here.
We went to my place.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
I like you.
Go on.
I really like you?
Oh, you were done.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
I forgot what I was saying.
I had fun tonight.
Me, too.
WOMAN:
No.
Just let me in.
WOMAN:
Curtis, no, you can't be here!
I just want to talk.
Come on,
just buzz me in.
- Just talk.
- WOMAN: No.
You know you have to be at least
100 yards away from us.
Damn it, Leslie!
Let me in!
LESLIE:
I am calling the cops, Curtis.
You leave!
I don't like where this
conversation is going...
Leslie, open the door.
LESLIE: Curtis!
I've already called the cops!
You can't keep me
from seeing my son!
You can see your son again
when you decide
to stop drinking!
The cops are on their way,
you better get out of here.
You and I don't see
eye to eye
I'm a lover, honey,
bees only
Bees fight
Woo.
'Cause there will be birds
There will be...
Wait, wait.
Rule number one.
...Birds
Think it's 'bout
that time now
You best be on your way
Woo!
Now take head to my advice
Or there'll be
hell to pay
'Cause there will be birds
There will be...
Birds.
[SNORING]
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Wait, wait,
um, give me one second.
I'll be right back.
I won't go anywhere.
Yeah.
Oh, screw it.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, it was under the bed.
I didn't...
Is this him?
You have no right
to go through my things.
How dare you?
This is my stuff!
- I'm sorry.
- You know what, stop!
- I don't want to hear it.
- Don't be mad.
I know how hard it is
to let things go.
Oh, yeah?
Like your ring?
- Please, Ava.
- You know what?
We've known each other
for less than 24 hours...
half of which
we don't even remember...
so don't act like
you know anything about me.
You're right. 24 hours is not
enough time to know someone.
Neither is five years,
apparently.
And what the hell
is that supposed to mean?
It means it took you
half a decade to realize
- that someone didn't love you.
- You are such a hypocrite.
- It took you just as long.
- Yeah?
Well, it only took me
half a day to realize
what kind of woman
I really need to love.
Yeah,
and what kind is that?
One that's just as miserable
as I am.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Good news.
Looks like we have the
situation under control.
- Slut!
- You can get back to your lives.
Get your hands off me.
That was my...
Looks like your
little nightmare is over.
[LAUGHS]
Have fun kids.
[LAUGHS]
Uh...
So, um,
I guess it's over.
Yeah.
I guess.
- Maybe you should...
- I should go.
Go, right.
You should...
You should go.
Um, look, Michael,
about before,
I, I... I'm just...
- I didn't...
- It's okay.
It's okay.
I understand.
It's tough letting go.
After all,
love takes hostages.
I had a wonderful night
last night.
Probably...
Most likely.
Well, um...
Thank you for
being here with me.
I felt safe.
Unbelievable!
My baby brother,
in the trenches!
Come here,
let me see you.
Oh, let me look at you.
Oh, man, you look like shit.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Come on, you hungry?
I saw a hot dog place
on the way over.
- Ugh.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- All right, good.
I forgot my wallet anyway.
MICHAEL:
Ava?
TVs on to hide
the sound of tears
What is that?
My mind is lost
with all these aching fears
Of the fact
I've lost my all
Thought you'd always
catch my fall
There is no love,
there is no us
Awake by dawn
and drunk by dusk
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life will
never be the same
I'm broken and battered
My thoughts
are so scattered
I learned to hate them
and I am
Though I do
the things I can
Because of you,
because of you
I hate the man I am
because of you
Because of you
I do the things I can
Take the pictures
out of the frame
Say that I'm the one
to blame
Things will never be
the same
Our lives will
stand forever change
Just go home,
it's all right...
AVA:
Okay, Miguel, one drink.
I'm Ava.
I've lost a home
from what you said
I lost my love,
I lost my friend
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow...
You seriously gonna
sit here all night?
...Will never be the same
I'm broken and battered
Though I do the things
I can
Because of you,
because of you
I hate the man I am
because of you
Because of you...
AVA:
Hello?
...Do the things I can.
- Hey, Hi.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Hey, uh, listen, I left my phone
here the other night.
White Nokia?
Yes!
Oh, Thank you so much
for keeping my phone safe.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
- Oh, fantastic.
Shoot.
So, did you guys
make up the other night?
- What?
- You and your boyfriend?
Oh, uh,
he's not my boyfriend.
Really?
Yeah, I'm sorry, wait,
what do you mean, make up?
Well, when you walked in here
the other night
you were pretty angry
and when you left,
- you were all smiles.
- Really? We were?
Yeah.
So he's not your boyfriend?
No.
Maybe me and you can go out
sometime for a drink?
Oh. Oh, oh, right.
Uh, you know what, that is just,
that's so flattering,
but, um, I can't
because...
I'm an alcoholic.
So, take care.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]
...I need a little love
to get by
I need a little help
sometimes
I need a little love
- Love, love, love, whoa.
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
Hello?
Mom? Dad?
- Oh hi, honey!
- Hello.
We missed you at church
this morning.
Hey mom, have you seen
my make up brushes?
I had them upstairs.
Oh.
Okay,
I don't care who started it
just end it now.
Mom?
You two have been fighting
since you were toddlers.
You pulled her hair,
you locked the other one in the freezer.
Have you guys
not been watching the news?
No. Why?
Did they talk about
your sister's book?
What? No!
Seriously, you guys
aren't concern at all
that you haven't heard from me
in two days?
What?
Seems normal.
Sometimes, what, we go two weeks
without hearing from you.
Never mind.
I'm gonna charge my phone.
Oh God, what's wrong?
You did not not pay your
electricity bill again?
What? Again? Sarah is the one
who doesn't pay her bills.
- I'm right here.
- Well, you don't.
Look. Okay, why is your phone
not charged?
- It's called a dead battery!
- It's called a dead battery.
I left my phone at the bar
the other night.
The bar?
Oh no, Ava,
you are not,
you are not getting back
together with Kevin again,
- are you?
- What?
How many times
do we have to tell you,
that boy adds nothing
to your life.
All I'm asking for
is for a phone charger.
And no, I'm not trying to get
back together with Kevin.
- That's over.
- Okay, mine is in the kitchen.
I mean, what kind of man
makes a living
getting other people drunk?
I can do that
all by myself for free.
Not to mention,
talking all night
- to other beautiful woman.
- It's true.
- Mom! Enough.
- And God only knows...
Okay, seriously,
you guys don't know \what's been
going on in my apartment building?
You know your father
watches the TLC.
It's just TLC mom.
There's no...
All right, honey.
I'm, I'm sorry,
tell me what happened?
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLOSES]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Michael.
Jackie?
You look so handsome.
You always looked stunning
in a suit.
You're not gonna
give me a hug?
Or a kiss hello?
What are you doing here?
We can both be adults
about this.
I know things
didn't end well between us...
Well?
Not the way I see it.
I mean, I for one love
to be cheated on.
It gives me
this warm fuzzy feeling.
I know what I did
was terrible.
- Did you get my card?
- Oh, yeah, the card.
How thoughtful.
I particularly
loved the gift card.
I mean,
how did you know?
Well, I noticed
that your sink was leaking,
and I thought
it would be a nice gesture.
Leaking?
And when did you notice that?
On the way out
of our relationship,
when you shattered my heart
into fucking pieces?
Please Michael,
if you had listened to my voicemail.
I meant every single word.
- I still love you.
- What voicemail?
The one I left you
the other night.
I didn't get any voicemail.
You know what,
it doesn't matter.
Look. I woke up
thinking about you
and about what a terrible
mistake I made.
You're just such a nice guy,
Michael.
But marriage isn't exactly
on my bucket list.
But you,
you are such an amazing man,
and any girl out there
would be so lucky...
Wait.
After 5 years,
you cheat on me.
I don't hear from you
for weeks
and you leave me a voicemail
and a card that says
"Hey, I'm leaving you,
Michael.
And by the way,
your fucking sink is leaking"?
Yeah, I still want us
to be friends.
Oh, friends, right.
Sure.
How about we go bowling?
Sure.
Whatever you want.
No! I don't want
to be your friend.
I wanted...
I wanted you to be my wife.
I wanted to spend the rest
of my life with you.
It was...
it was a beautiful ring, Michael.
The ring?
It was a beautiful ring.
It was beautiful
when I bought it,
and it was beautiful
when you took it off.
- But it is gone now.
- What do you mean, gone?
Oh, I flushed it!
And I hope it's in some vile sewer
covered in shit and egg
and piss and hair
and everything else disgusting
that reminds me of you.
Why did you do it?
Will you ever forgive me?
I miss you.
Good-bye Jackie.
You got ruffied!
Oh my God,
he ruffied you!
No, he didn't ruffie me.
How do you even know
what a ruffie is?
I saw it on "Law & Order."
Detective Stabler
went undercover.
- He was in a...
- No. Mom. Mom, mom.
- Michael was a gentleman.
- Oh!
No, really,
he was a nice guy.
Well, Ava,
I sure hope you used protection.
- Oh, God, no.
- That is disgusting, mom.
Oh, you think you're the only girl
who ever had a one-night stand?
Oh, well.
Well, I need a refill.
- Anybody else wants a drink?
- No, God.
Well, more for me.
You really don't remember
anything from the other night?
I mean, bits and pieces
are coming back to me.
And the man,
that you were stuck with?
Michael?
More of like a lost puppy.
- You like him?
- What?
The aloof, charming,
good-looking guy
that you can't stop
smiling about.
Well, he is very good-looking.
Um, hey listen,
about the other night...
Oh, stop, you... I don't...
we don't have to talk about it.
- Yes, we do.
- No, it's fine.
I'm so sorry.
I know that you've been working
on your writing and I just...
Is that you apologizing?
Ugh, you were right.
I'm so sorry,
these past few months,
they haven't been
the best for me.
And just because you're
successful,
doesn't mean I shouldn't be
happy for you.
You deserve it.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
Oh, actually,
I have something for you.
Here.
- Is this...
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Since you made it
to the shelves before I did,
um, maybe you can
give me a few pointers?
Wow, this guy really
did a number on you.
Oh My God, okay, fine.
Yes, I can't stop
thinking about him.
But, I mean, I, I don't...
I didn't get his last name
or his phone number.
Maybe he has yours.
Well, you didn't take his
but maybe he has yours
and you just don't remember.
- Have you checked your phone?
- No, it's charging.
Have you turned it on.
- Anything?
- It's turning on.
- [VIBRATING]
- Oh, ended.
[LAUGHS]
- Is that him?
- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.
- Told you.
Yummy, yummy.
So, are you gonna call him?
- What?
- Call him.
[BEEP] What?
Why would you...
My God...
God, you are...
[VIBRATING]
Oh, voicemail.
Hi Michael, it's me... Paco.
Um, sorry, it's, uh, Ava.
Anyway, I just got the picture
that you sent.
And, yeah,
I guess there is proof
that the other night
actually happened.
Um, anyway, you know,
I was thinking,
I know this sounds crazy,
I mean, we met under some pretty
crazy circumstances,
but, ah, you know,
actually I can't stop
thinking about it.
[SIGHS]
You know, I don't even know your last
name, so I was thinking...
- Get your ass in here.
- The men's room?
Oh, I like your style.
Dangerous!
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was invited.
Plus one.
Yeah, well, you uninvited
yourself when you went ahead
and told Michael
you had slept with someone.
Relax, I didn't tell him
it was you.
Now, how about
a wedding present?
You know I'm getting married
in like 18 minutes.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
But does that little kitty
know how to hunt like a panther?
Ooh, that's my spot.
That's my spot.
Gotcha.
Oh, Baby, baby, baby,
just hold on for a week.
When I get back
from my honeymoon,
I'm gonna need a vacation
from my vacation.
Maybe you can hunt then.
Mm... I want to hunt now.
You do want to hunt?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, right, yeah, turn, oh...
Mikey.
What's wrong?
You still thinking
about your cellmate?
- What was her name again?
- Ava.
Her name is Ava.
Wow, this Ava must've been
something else, huh?
Don't let it get to you,
baby brother.
Girls like that are like
fountain coins,
they're just laying there,
waiting to be picked.
But I would never
steal from the fountain.
Hey, ladies!
Let's go.
All right.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Mikey?
What's gotten into you?
Come on, let's get this
wedding business over with
and get to the reception.
I heard the band singer
got a set of Medusa titties.
As soon as you stare at them
your dick turns to stone.
Come on!
OFFICIANT:
Please be seated.
We're all here today to celebrate
one of life's greatest moments.
And that's the blessed union
of two people
who love each other,
trust each other
and have decided to spend the
rest of their lives together.
Alex Schultz
and Denise Flowers.
The people gathered today
are the most important people
in this couples' lives.
For we are all witnesses
and supporters
of the dedication and love
they have for each other.
Out of the ordinary,
comes the extraordinary.
Two strangers.
Two wonderful people,
who had never met,
found each other
and they fell in love.
So they decided to finalize it
with their wedd...
Michael?
Mikey!
- Where are you going?
- I have to go.
What? Now?
Can't you hold it?
- I'm leaving, Alex.
- Leaving?
Just one second.
Michael,
what's your problem?
What's going on?
How could you?
I trusted you.
- What is he talking about?
- Nothing, baby, nothing.
Look Mikey,
I knew she was trouble.
- I did you a solid!
- A solid?
Are you insane?
Now you know what kind of
messed-up girl
- she really is.
- Girl? What girl?
No, now I know what kind
of brother you really are.
Come on, Mikey. You know I'm
always looking out for you, bro.
I never needed you
to look out for me!
And, by the way,
here's my wedding gift.
Jackie, you think
you're the only girl here
- my brother's sleeping with?
- [GASPS]
Why don't you ask how many
of your bridesmaids
- my brother here has banged.
- [GASPS]
Come on,
show of hands?
Anybody?
Any of the guests?
Got one there.
- Who's vulnerable now.
- Alex?
- What is he talking about?
- Nothing baby, nothing.
He's been through a lot
in the past few weeks.
Mikey!
I told you
not to call me that.
[CROWD GASPS]
Denise, I'm sorry.
Let me make this right.
Hey, Jackie?
Fuck you!
[CROWD GASPS]
Denise, Baby,
Mikey is going through
a lot of shit.
You piece of shit!
Asshole!
Garbage!
I loved you and trusted you.
[SPITS]
You can have him, tramp!
[CROWD GASPS]
[ALEX GROANS]
Well, I guess we can all proceed
to the cocktail.
Yes!
It's Schultz.
Hmm?
My last name.
Schultz.
Nice to meet you,
Michael Schultz.
I'm Ava Pierce.
Ava.
Do you want to come inside
for a drink?
How about a Roy Rogers?
Sounds good.
TVs on to hide the sound
of tears
My mind is lost
with all these aching fears
Of the fact
I've lost my all
Thought you'd always
catch my fall
There is no love
there is no us
Awake by dawn
and drunk by dusk
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life will
never be the same
I'm broken and battered
My thoughts
are so scattered
I've learned to hate
the man I am
Though I do the things I can
because of you
Because of you
I hate the man I am,
because of you
Because of you
I do the things I can
Take the pictures
out of the frame
And say that I'm the one
to blame
Things will
never be the same
Our lives will
stand forever changed
Just go home,
it's all right
I swear
I don't want to fight
I've love a home
from what you've said
I've lost my love,
I've lost my friend
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life
will never be the same
I'm broken and battered.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MIXED CHATTER]
MAN: So my options are
to leave you alone,
or to buy you a drink
and then leave you alone?
WOMAN: One more option
than you had a minute ago.
I'm Ava.
MAN:
Ava.
That's beautiful.
That's a name
I'll never forget... forget.
[GROANS]
[CREAKING]
[SIGHS]
Ugh!
Ugh.
Fuck!
What the hell
did you do last night?
Oh, God.
Where is my Phone?
What the...?
What is...?
Oh, gross.
Oh my...
Oh... no.
At least you remembered
to use protection.
Gross.
Yuck.
Nope.
You saw the whole thing,
didn't you?
Didn't you?
What are you still
doing here?
- I tried...
- Turnaround!
Really? Didn't I see
you naked last night...
- Turn around!
- Okay.
Okay, look,
last night, whatever it was,
I'm sure it was fun,
but it was a huge mistake.
I don't think
your understanding me.
I tried to leave, but I was held
back before I got to the stairs.
That is so sweet that you came
back for a second chance...
- What?
- but I'm not interested
in a relationship
right now.
I am very happy
with how my life is right now.
So if you are here for some
sort of love connection,
well, then, you are riding
down a lonely one-way street.
- Now please, can you leave?
- I told you...
Look get out of here
before I call the cops!
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER,
HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Ah, wow.
That was fast?
Ma'am, inside!
Close the door!
Okay.
- What was that?
- I don't know,
- it's your apartment building.
- Well, what did he say?
I don't know,
I was too busy pissing pants.
Ma'am, please,
for your safety,
- close the door.
- Yeah, I know, I know, I heard that part.
But you see,
can he just sneak right past you?
Is he holding you
against your will?
- No, but...
- Is he hurting you?
- Well, no, but I just...
- Please, back inside!
Look, listen,
I'll be real honest with you,
I made a mistake last night,
you know,
a one-night stand.
You know, I just want to put
this whole thing behind me and...
- [THUD]
- Wha..?
Oh.
Oh.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Maybe you can make
a run for it?
Make a run for it?
Do you want me to get shot?
Well, you can't stay here.
- Why?
- I don't know you.
You could be a serial killer.
Actually, you can be the one
the cops are looking for.
Of course, that's why they
pushed you back in here with me.
You know, what?
Look...
- Do you even know my name?
- Yeah. I know your name.
- Uh, uh... Paco.
- Paco?
Okay, fine.
I don't remember your name.
- Paco?
- All right, fine!
But I get a pass on the name,
seeing as how
you were trying to sneak out
on a girl you just slept with,
- without even leaving a note.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- You were pretending to be asleep.
- No, I wasn't.
- Please, I could have walked
a marching band through your room
this morning trying to sneak out.
Aha! I knew it!
So you were trying to sneak out.
Aha! So you were pretending
to be asleep!
- Can I use your phone?
- What's wrong with yours?
Well, I don't want to use
my minutes.
- Really?
- No, damn it.
It's out of battery.
It'll be quick.
What? Do you have to call
your girlfriend?
My girlfriend?
What are you jealous?
Oh, please,
don't flatter yourself.
Look, I just want to call
my brother
so he can get me
out of this mess.
I don't have my phone.
- What?
- I don't have my phone, okay?
I probably
left it at the bar
or in my car or...
oh my God!
Did I drive home last night?
No, I wouldn't have done that.
You probably drove.
Which means, you probably
put our lives in danger.
I didn't have
my car last night.
- If anything you drove.
- Oh, please,
I don't text and drive,
and I don't drink and drive.
Oh, you don't have
one-night stands either.
No, I don't have
one-night st...
Oh, very funny.
Haha.
Where's your TV?
- I don't own a TV.
- What?
- I don't own a TV.
- Who doesn't own a TV?
My cousin has a 70-inch
TV and he's six.
I want a TV,
I just don't have one yet.
My roommate, who moved
out, took the TV.
Okay?
Fine, how about a computer?
- Hello?
- Alex.
Yeah!
Who's this?
Who's this?
Alex, it's me.
Oh, ho, ho.
Hey, Mikey!
Where the hell are you?
Don't call me Mikey.
Listen, I need your...
Did you bang that chick
at the bar?
How do you know about
the girl at the bar?
ALEX: You two were
pretty cozy when we left.
I figured that's the most action
you've had in awhile.
You left me at the bar?
So how many friction fires
did you start last night?
The what? Alex,
I don't want to talk about it.
Ha, ha, ha! Ouch!
Little Mikey strikes out?
No, I didn't strike out.
I just don't remember what happened.
Wow, you have the liquor
tolerance of a hamster.
Alex!
I'm not fucking around, man!
We're stuck inside
this apartment because something
is going on outside
and we can't leave.
I need you to see
what's going on at...
- Waverly Apartments.
- Waverly Apartments.
Is that the chick?
Ah ha!
So you did stick it to her?
Good for you.
She was pretty hot.
- Waverly Apartments, Alex!
- Jesus! Hold on.
Attitude.
I'm sorry.
He's charming.
What is he, your best friend?
Big brother.
ALEX: Hey,
you love birds are on every channel.
So what's her name?
Wow.
I don't believe it.
You don't remember
my name either.
No, I do, I do.
It's, um...
- Paco?
- Great.
Bro, you banged a chick
and don't remember her name?
I'm so proud of you.
Come on, I wish I could hug you right now.
Hug your monitor.
Just hug it for me.
- Stay out of this, Alex!
- You know what?
That's enough.
Hi, how are you?
Wow. Tell me your name,
I promise I won't forget it.
Oh yeah,
my name is Ava.
ALEX:
Hi, Ava.
- Props brother, mad props!
- Okay. Hey, focus!
Can you please just tell us
what is going on?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, I don't get it.
I think we lost
the connection.
I think the screen
is frozen.
I don't know,
we lost the connection or something.
- What is going on outside?
- Oh my God!
Hey, your brother is stuck inside me...
my apartment,
and I would love
to get him out of here.
So if you could, just, please,
tell us what is going on?
For a pretty girl like you,
anything.
Lets see here.
Wow, looks like there's
a hostage situation.
They got the entire building
on lockdown.
So you two are fucked
for a while.
Well, okay, locked down?
Anything else?
What am I, CNN?
Alex, are you ready to go?
For God's sake,
I don't care what kind of cake
we get for the wedding,
chocolate, vanilla.
Who gives a fuck?
Does it look like I'm gonna eat it?
- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Denise.
- Is everything okay?
- No.
Jesus, woman. Can a man have a
conversation with his brother?
Yeah, but who is he with?
Is he with Jackie?
Wow!
He's like
a big teddy bear...
with rabies.
Ava?
Michael?
ALEX:
Michael.
Michael.
Would you quit fondling
your fries and eat.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not paying
if you're not gonna eat.
I didn't ask you to pay.
I'm just saying,
money is a little tight.
Yeah, I see that.
I'm gonna need you to cut
this attitude you got going,
it's really making me
lose my fucking appetite.
Is everything okay
for you guys?
Oh, everything's great, thanks.
Can I get another beer,
and when you get a chance,
can you please ask the chef
if he found my brother's balls
in the kitchen.
Yeah, they're very small.
I don't want him
to mistake them for like peas,
or rice, or something.
- I'll see what I can do.
- [SIGHS]
I'll just have another Diet,
thanks.
You're such an asshole,
you know that?
I told you
Jackie was trouble.
Wow!
Where did that come from?
I just knew.
Okay?
It's my job
to look out for you, Mikey.
Please don't call me that.
A woman like that is gonna have
you wrapped around her finger.
That's the difference
between you and me.
You're vulnerable.
It makes you weak.
Being vulnerable
makes me weak?
Yes.
Believe me,
I get the intrigue.
A woman like that,
has been around the block a few times,
probably does shit in bed
that would shock pornstars.
And what happened?
You fell in love and let
this girl get inside your head.
Now look at you.
You're like a neutered puppy.
Isn't that what happens
when you fall in love?
- Letting someone in.
- But I know who I am.
You can't let it trap you.
You can't let it mess with
who you are, man.
Love takes hostages
if you let it, bro.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Look, I don't want to see you
sitting around like the zombie
you've been doing
for the past few weeks.
I'm gonna be nice enough to let you tag
along with me and my friends tonight.
- How's that sound?
- Your bachelor party?
- No, that's all right.
- What? You've got other plans?
What are you gonna do, sit around,
watch "Beaches," eat a pint of ice cream?
I don't know who talked Denise
into wanting to marry you.
I'm your brother,
I don't have a choice
- but her on the other hand...
- You're coming.
How's that for a choice?
Look, just come
and have one drink.
Who knows,
maybe you'll meet a girl.
- What is wrong with this door?
- There's an idiot operating it.
The stick in the rail,
dummy.
What are you doing?
Anything I can
to get the hell out of here.
What are you going to jump?
Are you crazy?
I've done crazier things
to get away from a girl.
Shocker.
But we're three floors up.
A minute ago you were okay
with me getting gunned down.
Now you're worried
I'm gonna twist my ankle?
Fine, go ahead,
break your neck.
Hope you have good insurance.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
OFFICER:
Police! Don't move!
Stay right there!
Put your hands on your head!
[THUD]
Are you done,
Evil Knievel?
NEWSWOMAN: Yeah, we're still
trying to gather some details...
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
I think I got something.
NEWSWOMAN: An alleged gunman
entered this apartment complex
behind me around 3:00 a.m.
this morning believed to have
taken some hostages inside
one of the units here behind me.
And just a moment ago,
we saw that alleged gunman
that has forced authorities
to shutdown Collins Avenue
on that balcony
right behind me.
Yeah, okay. And we want to
make a correction there,
we are confirming now
that that man behind us
was actually
one of the residents inside
the apartment building
here behind us.
We don't know the condition
of any of the hostages.
Police are saying that this man
is on the run.
He is armed and believed
to be very dangerous.
That's why Local authorities
are not taking any risks here.
This apartment building
is on lockdown.
We'll stay on top
of these details
and bring you the very latest
as it develops.
Please, by all means,
make yourself at home.
I'm starving.
You have no food.
I'm so sorry
I didn't go grocery shopping.
If I had known that I would've been
locked up with you as a hostage,
I would have gone out
and bought beer and Twinkies.
What is all this?
Is this even edible?
- It's Vegan.
- You're Vegan?
You have a problem
with that?
Huh. Whatever.
There's a reason we're at
the top of the food chain.
- Thank God.
- Oh, uh, those are stale.
They were my roommate's.
It's not even opened,
Negative Nancy.
Sorry.
Ah, that's not the best thing
to eat on a hangover.
You're gonna get sick.
I'll be fine, mom.
- I told you.
- [BELCHES]
I could do without the live
studio audience, right now.
I'll make you something
that'll help your stomach.
How come
you're not throwing up?
- I never throw up.
- Never?
- Nope.
- Not even when you're sick?
That's included
in the "never."
You wouldn't happen to have
an extra toothbrush, would you?
Yes. Actually, it's in the
top drawer in the box labeled
"toothbrushes for guys
I sleep with."
A sense of humor.
Good to know you have one.
There should be
some mouthwash in there.
And, please make sure
you leave the seat down.
Thanks.
Hello.
Yeah.
- Ava?
- Shit.
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Just...
I'll be out there in a minute.
Gotta... ahem!... clean.
"And her loins quivered
as his young, nimble, hands
- ran up her mature thighs."
- What are you reading?
Research?
Oh, Ha-ha.
Very funny.
Hmm.
That's my sister's book.
Interesting read.
I thought you women were more into
- "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
- No, it's her book.
- As in, she wrote it.
- No way.
- She's a writer?
- I wouldn't call that writing.
Oh, yeah.
I just noticed all the pages
and the words
written on the pages.
- Yeah, it's amateur garbage.
- Ouch.
Family can be
the harshest critics.
You know,
I don't know you...
- Yeah, we've established that.
- But,
- are you jealous?
- What?
I mean, you're a writer,
aren't you?
Yeah, what I am
- is none of your business...
- Haven't been published?
Well, that's just
a matter of time...
Why would it bother you
one bit?
Your sister's a writer,
you're a writer,
she's been published,
you haven't.
She's my sister, of course,
I'm very happy for her.
[SCOFFS]
- [SNICKERS]
- [LAUGHS]
WOMAN READING:
"Natasha's shirt was torn open
by the muscular Brock,
revealing her ample
but aged breasts.
With one cupping,
her nipples were erect.
Her flower was now soaked.
She didn't want to prolong
the anticipation,
she wanted it fast
- and she wanted it furious.
- [CROWD GASPS]
Brock could feel
the carnal sexual frustration
and return the favor...
- fifty times over.
- [GASPS]
She thanked her lucky stars
the last few hours
in which she met
this wonderful man
and though she'd have to return
to solving her sister's murder
she knew this moment
belonged to her.
She tried
to take it all in
and soon she will be taking
- all of him in.
- [GASPS]
He laid her on the ground,
his body molded to hers.
Need you now.
Her legs wrapped around his waist.
His nails dug into her back.
'Take me! Take me!
- Take me! Take me!'"
- [BOOK DROPS, MIKE FEEDBACK]
- [MOUTHING: I'M SORRY.]
- MAN: Sit down. Sit down.
- Sit down.
- I'm so sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"The propulsion
of his manly love muscle
inside her aching
'rumpelslitskin'
made her toes curl..."
[SCOFFS]
You know,
you didn't have to come.
Yeah, I wanted to come,
be there for my little sis.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, Of course I did.
Oh, save it!
Mom told me about your little
- meltdown yesterday.
- What?
Oh, please,
don't act all shocked.
Okay, well, I wouldn't call
that a meltdown.
- Oh no, well, what then?
- Um, more like, uh,
expressing my feelings through
- entitled rage.
- Entitled?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah. Kind of.
Oh, come on!
Writing has always
been my thing.
It's been what I wanted to do
since the 4th grade.
You, you wanted to be
a, a Las Vegas showgirl,
but you don't
see me in pasties and tassels.
I wanted to be a ballerina,
you twat.
And I'm not competing
with you.
You have always been
competing with me.
- How so?
- Oh, well how?
Well, let's see,
ah, you, you,
- you hit puberty before I did...
- Kinda not my fault.
You kissed a boy before I did,
- you lost your, your, your...
- Virginity?
Yeah!
Virginity, that!
Now you write a book
and publish it before I do.
- Come on!
- You know, I actually thought
that you were gonna be
happy for me
- like a sister usually is.
- I am. I am.
I am... not.
Sorry.
- Unbelievable!
- Sure...
You know what?
You know why I always beat you
at this little imaginary
competition you have going?
Because I'm not trapped in
my own insecurities.
- That is absolutely not...
- What, not, not true? Really?
Well, tell me this,
where is this amazing book
you keep telling me
you're writing?
Okay, well, obviously
with everything that's going on
- I haven't been able to fin...
- Uh-huh.
Wow.
I can freaking
get in my car, too.
Hey!
Maybe is time that you faced
the fact and just move on.
Were you talking about
the book?
Great!
Love you!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Fuck this!
- Are you trying to poison me?
- [LAUGHS] Just drink it.
It'll make you feel better.
Wow, this actually isn't bad.
Mm, and it's Vegan.
So, I uh,
I guess we just wait
this thing out?
Yeah, I guess.
So who's this roommate
of yours?
- Does she have a name?
- Yes, it's, None Ya Business.
Huh.
I mean, wow, you two must've
really had it out.
- She took all your stuff.
- Look, um,
just because we're stuck
in this apartment together
doesn't mean that I'm just gonna
open up to you and tell you
- my life story.
- Fair enough.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
- So, you want to have sex?
- What?
I mean, neither of us
remember having it.
And there's absolutely
nothing to do.
And we're completely bored.
So, I figured it would be fun.
Wow, yeah,
when you put it that way.
So you see where
I'm coming from?
[LAUGHS]
I am not having sex with you.
Why not?
I find you somewhat attractive.
At least when you're not
constantly rolling your eyes at me.
And come on,
I know you find me attractive.
Nope.
Come on, we can kill
a few minutes.
I'm sorry.
A few minutes?
- I'm not Superman.
- Yeah...
Clearly.
[LAUGHS]
You know,
maybe it's a good thing
we don't remember having sex last
night, spared us the inevitable
- disappointment.
- Disappointment?
Your perception of what sex
might have been like last night
will never match to the reality
of the situation.
And what is this reality?
That sex last night
was a mistake
and probably
a complete disaster.
Ugh, and going to that bar
last night the worst mistake
- I've ever made.
- Ugh! Get in line, Ava.
At least see the silver lining,
you're not alone.
- What?
- Look.
We are not responsible for
whatever is happening next door
nor do we have any control
of the situation.
So I'm just saying,
at least you're not alone
and at least
you have me as company.
Yeah.
Some company.
- Was that your first time?
- First time what?
One-night stand?
Uh, Yes. You?
- No.
- Oh, okay,
so you just go to the bars
looking to get laid?
Oh, come on,
isn't that the reason single people
- go to bars anyway?
- Yeah, of course,
good-looking guy, goes to a bar
to find a vulnerable...
- You think I'm good looking.
- Don't change the subject.
- Okay, fine, you got me.
- God.
I actually have a rewards card
that I'm filing out
with women that I've slept with.
I'll go ahead and scratch off
one lonely insecure woman
and now all I need
is a one-legged Brazilian
and I can finally get
the free sub.
Wow, aren't you just
the catch of the century.
- [LAUGHS]
- You know what?
Think whatever you want, Paco.
I don't really care.
And you want to know the truth?
I don't even like going to bars.
- In fact, I rarely drink.
- Oh, please.
Being at that bar
last night
was the last thing
I wanted to do.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, that makes two of us.
Two more for table nine.
Coming up.
Can I get you anything else,
darling?
My sister at the bottom
of a cliff.
- What?
- No thanks,
I'm fine with this.
Ugh.
You're not seriously
gonna sit here all night?
- I can just go.
- No!
Get your fucking mind off her.
Look around you.
Everybody's having fun.
So should you.
Define, fun?
You see what
you're doing right now?
The exact fucking opposite.
Get wasted, go fuck a random
girl, get an STD,
I don't know,
I don't care.
Look around you, there's more
ass in here than a donkey ranch.
Now go make a fool of yourself
and talk to one.
The brunette at the bar.
No, nah, I'm not
gonna go talk to her.
What's wrong with her?
I'd hit it.
- Don't be such a pussy, Mikey.
- Don't call me that.
- Mikey or Pussy?
- Either.
Just go talk to her.
She's alone at the bar,
drinking.
I don't know,
maybe she's an alcoholic.
Oh, maybe.
Fish in a barrel, baby.
If I go talk to her,
then can I leave?
Yes, but seriously
go talk to her,
don't just fucking wave at her
like you have tourettes.
And then you can go home
and hang yourself if you want.
'Cause if I keep seeing you
acting like this,
I'll fucking hang myself.
Forget about her.
Go get fucking laid.
Can I help you, sir?
- Can I get a Roy Rogers?
- Seriously?
Roy Rogers.
Hi.
Wrong pipe.
Seven dollars.
Thank you.
Oh, can I get...
I'm not gonna get change, am I?
[LAUGHS]
- I'm Michael.
- I don't care.
Are you here alone?
Yes, and I plan
to keep it that way.
- Can I buy you a drink.
- No, I don't think so.
- Come on, just one drink.
- No really, I'm fine.
Come on,
one harmless drink?
Look, I don't know you,
I don't care to know you.
You might actually
be a nice guy, I don't know,
you seem a little nerdy to me.
But if you came over here
with the pre-conceived notion
that I would accept your
drink offer on the off-chance
that I would
hookup with you,
or that I would find
your come on's so charming,
that I would give you a blowjob
in the men's bathroom,
well then,
I think you might've started
a conversation
with the wrong girl.
Wait. I... um,
look, I'm so sorry.
I'm, I'm being really rude.
- Rough night?
- [SIGHS]
You have no idea.
Look, um,
if I let you
buy a me a drink,
will you
leave me alone then?
So, my options
are to leave you alone,
or to buy you a drink
and then leave you alone?
One more option
than you had a minute ago.
Okay, tell you what,
I'll buy you that drink,
because it seems you need one
more than I do.
And when that drink
is finished,
I'll decide whether or not
I want to keep talking to you.
Hah, okay Miguel,
one drink.
It's... Mike...
Forget it.
I'm Ava.
Ava.
That's beautiful.
That's a name
I'll never forget.
What are those cops doing,
they're just talking out there.
Maybe you should go outside
and share your concerns.
I'm sure they're taking
suggestions.
Can't a sniper
just take this guy out?
Why, you have someplace
important to be?
Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
My brother's wedding
is on Sunday.
Someone actually
wants to marry that oaf?
Hey, you can't talk about
my brother like that.
I can.
- You. No.
- Sorry.
It's okay.
He's an asshole.
He doesn't even
believe in marriage.
So then why get married?
Pretty girl, half his age,
I.Q. of a lamppost.
Obeys his every command.
His poor fiance...
- The lamppost?
- Yeah. She doesn't even realize
he's gonna bang half the
bridesmaids before the wedding.
I take it you're following in
your big brother's footsteps.
Hey, I am nothing like
my brother.
Okay?
Look.
He's always been there for me,
and I can't ignore that.
We can learn a thing or two
from our siblings.
He's got a really big heart,
unfortunately his mouth
is bigger.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
So how much did
we drink last night?
Pfft.
So, you don't remember
anything else?
Nope.
- You?
- No.
I do remember you not wanting
anything to do with me.
And you were more than
a little guarded.
You were having a rough night.
Hmm.
Try a rough year.
Oh?
Why? You want my autobiography
or something?
Come on,
we could be stuck here for hours.
Do you just want to sit here
in silence?
Uh, yeah.
Considering my head
is still spinning
that doesn't sound like
a bad idea.
I don't know, I just,
I just didn't want to be
here alone last night.
So I figured
going to a loud bar
would be better than
sitting here in silence.
You go to a bar
to not to be alone,
yet you want to be
left alone?
Hmm, the irony
that is my life.
Well, I'm glad you decided
to have drinks with me.
Or how ever many...
Roy Rogers.
Roy Rogers.
You were drinking
Roy Rogers.
- You want another one?
- Yeah, sure.
- What can I get you guys?
- Can I get another Roy Rogers?
And whatever she's having.
- I'll have another wine.
- Yeah, sure.
What kind of woman
comes to a bar to drink wine?
What kind of man comes to a bar
to drink a Roy Rogers?
A manly one.
And by manly you mean,
coke and grenadine?
- What?
- Yeah.
A Roy Rogers
is a coke and grenadine,
kind of like
a Shirley Temple.
- No, it has alcohol.
- No, it doesn't.
And you have a vast knowledge
of cocktail drinks, how?
Because, my ex-boyfriend
was a bartender.
- That's your ex-boyfriend?
- What? No.
Hey, excuse me.
What's in a Roy Rogers?
- Coke and grenadine.
- Hah!
I've been drinking
Cherry Coke?
I thought you were
the designated driver.
Wait, seven bucks?
Scotch.
On the rocks.
- What kind?
- Huh?
- What type of scotch?
- The alcohol kind?
[LAUGHS]
Give my friend here
a Johnny on the rocks
with a splash of soda.
We don't want him
to hurt himself.
Oh, actually,
I'll have one, too.
Don't know much
about alcohol, huh?
I've never been much
of a drinker.
I used to date this girl
who liked to drink a little
too much, kind of put me off.
Oh, so no alcohol whatsoever?
The occasional beer,
socially.
Oh, are we being social now?
I don't know.
So, okay,
why scotch then?
My dad loved scotch,
he had one every night
till the day he died.
Oh.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.
- What was that?
- Sorry.
- Oh man,
- and you called me a nerd?
- Yeah, about that...
No, that's okay.
You never know, I could be one.
Mm-hmm.
I am wearing
Superman underwear.
What? No?
No way.
- You are?
- I don't know.
No...
Okay. No, no, no, no, it's Okay.
I believe you.
I believe you.
Just keep your pants on.
Could you please?
- Thanks.
- [SIGHS]
I feel like
I'm in detention.
I'm just waiting
for Principal Holmes
to scream out my name.
How come that
doesn't surprise me?
I bet you spent
a lot of time in there.
Well, you see there's a balance
of clichs in high school.
Some of us need to be
the popular ones.
We can't all be super nerds.
I'm right, huh? Probably spent your
weekends with your face in a book.
Didn't have many boyfriends,
did you?
- I didn't want one.
- Uh-huh.
Let me guess.
You lost your virginity in college.
And when did you lose yours?
In Kindergarten?
You want to know how many girls
I finger painted?
- Oh my God, you're revolting.
- Revolting?
I wasn't the one in the bar
looking to get laid last night.
I was not looking to get laid.
Fine, whatever.
You have some unresolved issues.
And that's okay.
And you?
You don't have any issues?
I can fill half the books
on this bookshelf
- with my issues.
- Oh, yeah.
Self-centered, narcissistic,
resentful, let's see,
- lack of social skills.
- To name a few.
Put that down!
This is not your apartment.
You know what,
add lack of manners to your growing list
of charming qualities.
Was that your book?
Yes.
As a matter of fact, it is.
But if you want, I can find
something more at your reading level.
How about a pop-up book?
Great, maybe I can paper cut
myself to death.
Stupid.
So what's your book about?
Romance?
Thriller?
It's Porn.
Plain and simple.
I mean, I can't believe
she got that garbage published.
You know, she didn't even
want to be a writer.
You know what she was?
An escort!
True story.
Really?
What's her number?
Not funny.
No, she used to want to be
a ballerina
but when she moved to New York
she couldn't find work,
so she became a stripper,
and then
she became an escort.
- Thank you for clarifying.
- Mm,
and now...
now she wants to be me.
Wouldn't she rather be
an escort?
And my parents still think
she's just this little angel.
- Ugh!
- Ugh, I'm sensing some jealousy.
Now I'm sensing some
homicidal thoughts.
Why can't I get published?
You know,
I'm a good writer.
I'm a good writer.
My books are like
interesting and fascinating.
- I would read your book.
- You would?
If it is both interesting
and fascinating.
If it's only one or the other
I won't touch it.
I mean, who really wants to read
an erotic murder mystery
at a... at a
Justin Bieber concert?
I think my mom bought a copy.
You're so...
- Whoa.
- Oh!
Nope, I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Hello.
Okie dokie.
You are insane.
"Die Hard 2" is not better than
the original "Die Hard."
Yes!
Are you kidding?
"Die Hard" one is considered
the standard by which
all other action movies
are made.
The flawed, average guy
gets impossible odds.
"Die Hard 2" was just a less
superior carbon copy of the first.
[GIGGLES]
You saw something in my teeth?
No.
You just sound smarter
when you're drunk.
Is that a compliment?
I don't know,
action movies nowadays suck.
Man, I just can't believe
you like action movies.
Why? There's nothing
wrong with that.
No, I know, I know, it's just,
you seem more like a
"Beaches" or Dirty Dancers
kind of girl.
- No, "Dancing."
- What?
"Dancing."
"Dirty Dancing."
And no way, I would take
Willis over Swayze any day.
- Me, too.
- [LAUGHS]
Jackie would never watch
action movies.
- She called them distasteful.
- Who's Jackie?
Oh, it's my ex-girlfriend.
I mean, fiance.
You were engaged?
For about six months.
Yes, I was.
Until I found out
she cheated on me.
Oh, that's rough.
- Boom.
- Wow.
Three months salary, huh?
And my left kidney.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't want you to think...
- No, no, it's...
Why do you still keep that?
Because.
- You know.
- Yeah.
- I don't know.
- [LAUGHS]
You know,
eventually you're gonna
have to move on.
Yeah.
You need a shot.
Hi.
Hi, come here.
Can we have two lemon
drops, please?
I'm sorry guys,
it's last call at the bar.
- Seriously?
- It's been a long day.
Two lemon drops?
Just two.
Please?
- Just for you.
- Thank you.
MAN:
Come on.
Shit.
I gotta get going before...
- Get your hands off me.
- BARTENDER: Sir.
Don't touch the lady.
I warned you.
Finish your drink
and get out.
Thank you.
- Shit! They fucking left me!
- Who?
My brother
and his dick friends.
They're probably
at some strip club.
Ugh! With my sister!
Yeah.
AVA:
Hey, um,
do you want
to get out of here?
- Together?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
Okay.
Drink to that.
Oh, really.
You weirdo.
Get off of me.
Oh, God, get off of me!
I warned you!
My car is across the street.
Can you drive?
Probably not straight.
No. Man.
Hey!
I don't bite, nena.
Nice and clean inside.
You need to go someplace?
- A little maybe salsa dancing.
- Ho, ho, oh my God.
Okay, a little more exotic.
I take you.
- Where do you two want to go?
- My place?
- We can go to mine.
- I'm not too far.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yours?
Yeah, yours.
We can go to yours.
Okay, okay, okay,
conversation in car, okay?
- We decide then.
- [TWO GUNSHOTS]
Oh, shit!
Vamos! Vamos! Vamos!
We gotta go, we gotta go,
que nos matan coo!
Oh, shit!
9-1-1!
We need a police officer...
DISPATCH:
All drivers be advised,
gunshots reported on
Hollywood Blvd.
Police are setting up
roadblocks.
No passengers are to be
picked up in the vicinity.
Uh, I've haven't
done this before.
- Oh, we don't have to...
- No!
I mean, yes.
I mean, I want to.
Hey, driver, you can take
Biscayne to 163rd.
Whatever you want, sweetheart.
You two just enjoy the ride.
If you need anything,
just let me know.
Name is Francisco.
Friends call me Paco.
Oh, Paco.
Thank you, Paco.
Paco.
When we get back
to my place,
uh, I think we should,
you know, take it easy.
I have rules.
- Rules?
- Yeah.
- What kind of rules?
- Rule number one,
do you have protection?
Check!
Oh no, you shouldn't keep those
in your wallet.
- The heat and friction...
- What am I suppose to do?
- They don't deliver.
- Rule number two,
if you're gonna
spend the night with me
you can't sneak out.
I would never.
I swear.
I would never sneak out.
Rule number three.
And this one's the most important.
I am not looking
for a relationship.
If you are looking
for puppy love,
then you should buy
a puppy.
Fine by me.
No relationship.
I mean it, I don't even want
to talk about relationships.
Then let's not talk.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[MOCKING] Let's not talk.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, okay!
Straight face!
Stop the cab!
What's going on now?
I can go for a hot dog!
Keep the change.
Take care, esa nena, papa!
Use protection! Protection!
What's up?
Great day for
a hostage gig, huh?
Hey, anybody in there?
- Psst.
- Hello?
Over here.
Hey, hey, over here.
- Sir, please stay inside.
- That's what I'm doing.
- Look, I'm inside.
- Close the door.
Look, my girlfriend
is very scared in here,
and she doesn't
handle stress very well.
We don't have a TV
and we just want to know
what's going on outside.
You don't have a TV?
It's a long story.
Could you give us like an ETA?
Or maybe order us
a pizza or something?
Hey, you're the
one-night stand couple?
- [LAUGHS]
- Great, we're famous.
Yeah, it is you two.
The officers were telling me
about you guys.
So maybe you can understand
why I need to get
- the hell out of here.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You can't leave until
this has been resolved.
Why not?
You're a lot safer
just staying inside
and don't open the door
to anybody.
- I can't be here.
- Look, kid.
We're doing the best we can.
If you want
out of here so bad,
maybe next time you'll know
something about the girl
you're hooking up with.
Good luck.
[LAUGHS]
- Hey, what did he say?
- We're shit out of luck.
- He said that?
- I'm paraphrasing.
- [RINGING]
- Ugh, it's your brother.
[GROANS]
- [COMPUTER BEEPING]
- What was that?
- What?
- You just declined his call.
Yeah, I figured he's the last person
we should be talking to right now.
You figured?
You figured
I didn't want to talk to him?
Okay, Michael,
he didn't exactly enhance the situation
last time you were
on the phone with him.
- It all makes sense now!
- And what's that?
Why your roommate packed
her bags and got the hell out.
- I understand completely.
- Excuse me?
If I would've known
how manipulative you were,
I would've never bought you
that first drink.
You're not fooling me
with this little act you put on.
Oh, I would never have a guy
up to my apartment.
Give me a fucking break!
You play with people feelings
and then in the end
she just grabs my heart
and destroys it.
She?
- Why am I here?
- What?
Why... why am I here?
- Obviously we're trapped here.
- No!
Why did you invite me
up to your apartment?
I, I don't remember!
Were you so desperate
for company
that you would've
slept with the first guy
who made you feel special?
Why?
Because everyone else
leaves you?
Even your roommate
couldn't stand you.
Your stupid vegan food,
your critiquing of everything,
your zero self-esteem.
I am this close
to jumping out the window!
Good!
Maybe you should, you jerk.
God, you'd be better off dead
than left here with me,
just like Kevin.
Kevin?
Oh my God,
this tastes so good! Mm.
You never had a hot dog?
- None in six years.
- Really?
I'm vegan.
Aren't hot dogs one of
the seven vegan mortal sins?
Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna finish that?
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
- Oh my God, look over there.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh my God.
I miss meat so much.
So what's it like,
being vegan?
What's that suppose to mean?
- It's not like I have herpes.
- Herpes?
- [sirens blaring
- Oh My God, No! I mean, like,
being ve... oh God,
no, no one has herpes.
Wait, do you?
- No.
- Then it should be fine.
It should be okay, right?
- That you're vegan?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't care.
- Oh.
I've had relationships end
because of my choice
in dietary lifestyle.
- Haaah.
- Rule number one.
- Don't talk about "Fight Club."
- Not... relationships!
- No talking about them.
- You brought it up.
And I am taking it back.
Those are the rules,
and I'm sticking to them.
You're making this up
as you go.
- Fine, no relationships.
- Mm-hmm.
But I don't see how anybody
wouldn't want be with you.
I find you fascinating.
A vegan writer
who likes action movies...
- I'd marry you tomorrow.
- Awe, you would?
Abso-fucking-lutley.
- Tell that to Kevin.
- Who the hell is Kevin?
Oh, um...
my ex-boyfriend.
I came home a few weeks ago
and he was gone.
He even took my TV!
Wow.
What a tool.
Yes.
Yes, he is a tool.
I don't know,
I guess we've both been pretty
screwed with relationships.
Yep.
How about we get a drink?
To forget about being screwed.
Wait, do you think
that's a good idea?
We're both pretty drunk.
Okay.
Wait, no, no, no.
You get, get one.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, will you get me one, too?
- [IMITATES GUNFIRE]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Who's this?
- [PHONE BEEPS]
Michael, it's Jackie.
I know you're probably still mad at me
and I should've
called sooner.
You are such a great guy
and never gave me
a dull moment in bed.
You always kept me
on my toes...
Oh, man.
JACKIE:
...literally.
Anyways, I'm very sorry
for what I did to you.
I hope you can forgive me,
and if we can talk
like mature adults...
Beers!
I hope you like beer!
Oh yeah,
that's fine.
- Ava, I have been thinking.
- Yeah?
- And I've decided...
- Decided?
that I do want to keep
talking to you.
- Aahh.
- Cheers, Michael.
- To better love ahead.
- Abso-fucking-lutely!
- [HICCUPS]
- Whoa, are you okay?
I'm not feeling so good.
- Are you gonna throw up?
- No!
Oh my God,
no I never, never...
So much for never.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think that's it.
Oh God!
It looks like oatmeal.
- Ugh.
- Are you okay?
- No, I just get...
- Look away and breathe.
- [GAGS]
- Breathe, breathe.
Ugh, well,
I'm having fun.
Maybe I should get you home.
What?
No!
Let's not let a little throwup
ruin the night.
- [LAUGHS]
- Where do you want to go next?
I don't know.
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's squishy.
Ugh, you stepped in puke.
Ava?
- Ava, look, I'm sorry.
- Michael, just,
just stay out there and I'll
stay in here until this is over.
I know what
you're going through.
Please, Just go away!
I was engaged.
I was engaged
for about six months.
Her name's Jackie.
We'd been dating
for six years.
She was, um, perfect.
Or at least
I thought she was.
I don't know what I was thinking
when I proposed to her.
I lost my dad
the year before,
and he always liked Jackie.
I guess I was being impulsive.
I just never thought
she'd cheat on me.
Alex is right,
I'm way too vulnerable.
I was about to marry
this horrible person.
And I can't even
find the ring.
I think I lost it last night.
It doesn't matter.
'Cause you can't fix something
that's meant to be broken.
Ava, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, you hungry?
I think the hostage negotiator
guy ordered pizza.
[LAUGHS]
I came home and all
my things were gone.
I really thought
that he was the one.
He was always
there for me until...
I don't know, I just...
I never thought
that he would leave.
But I know
that it's my fault.
How is it your fault?
I've never been
in a relationship
where I found
myself opening up.
Um, I don't do too well
when I'm not in control.
But then again, here we are,
so, go figure.
You know,
maybe it's not about
being in control,
maybe it's about
opening up...
What, being vulnerable?
Sorry.
No, it's okay,
you're right.
Speaking of vulnerable.
- Is that my ring?
- I'm sorry.
Oh My God!
- Did we get married?
- What? No!
I just,
I saw it in my room,
and I was just being
so stupid.
Your fiance
has really small fingers.
Ex-fiance.
I'm really sorry.
It's a beautiful ring.
You have great taste.
Thank you.
So why do you still keep it?
I don't know.
Wishful thinking.
So I guess part of me
still doesn't want to let go.
Holding on to the only thing
I've got left.
Thanks.
- [MIKE FEEDBACK]
- Good evening, townspeople.
My name is Michael "Shitz"...
I mean, Shultz.
- And this young lady is...
- Drunk!
And me and him
are gonna have sex later.
- I don't care what you say.
- BIKER: Yeah!
And then she's gonna
have sex with me!
Hey! And we're gonna
double team her.
- Double team!
- Yeah!
Hey!
In your dreams, Wild Hog!
Any time, baby!
Any time.
- Come on, baby.
- Call me tomorrow.
- Thank you, Ava.
- You're welcome.
- Ava!
- Yeah?
Moments like this make me feel
like I'm living on something.
- On What?
- On a prayer, Ava.
- On a prayer.
- Yeah.
[MIKE FEEDBACK]
Oh, you don't got that one?
Give me something else.
[MUSIC INTRO BEGINS]
You know I knew,
I do love you
But I love to do
what I'm gonna do
I'm just gonna drink it,
I will
Well, I can't stay here
It's like a prison in here
I see your grin,
you don't like my friends
I'm just gonna
drink in a beer
We'll have just one
Okay, maybe two
And feel like
It never gets young
Life is for living
And I'm gonna
drink it again
Life
Is for living
And I'm gonna drink in...
Life
Is for living
And I know in drinking
A...
Again
Again
Again
Again
Again, again, again
Again, again
Again, again,
again, again
Again!
I hate Larry Bird.
[LAUGHS]
Dinosaurs.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
No.
[LAUGHS]
Let me see.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, that's a... whoa.
Okay.
Hey, I live here.
We went to my place.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
I like you.
Go on.
I really like you?
Oh, you were done.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
I forgot what I was saying.
I had fun tonight.
Me, too.
WOMAN:
No.
Just let me in.
WOMAN:
Curtis, no, you can't be here!
I just want to talk.
Come on,
just buzz me in.
- Just talk.
- WOMAN: No.
You know you have to be at least
100 yards away from us.
Damn it, Leslie!
Let me in!
LESLIE:
I am calling the cops, Curtis.
You leave!
I don't like where this
conversation is going...
Leslie, open the door.
LESLIE: Curtis!
I've already called the cops!
You can't keep me
from seeing my son!
You can see your son again
when you decide
to stop drinking!
The cops are on their way,
you better get out of here.
You and I don't see
eye to eye
I'm a lover, honey,
bees only
Bees fight
Woo.
'Cause there will be birds
There will be...
Wait, wait.
Rule number one.
...Birds
Think it's 'bout
that time now
You best be on your way
Woo!
Now take head to my advice
Or there'll be
hell to pay
'Cause there will be birds
There will be...
Birds.
[SNORING]
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Wait, wait,
um, give me one second.
I'll be right back.
I won't go anywhere.
Yeah.
Oh, screw it.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, it was under the bed.
I didn't...
Is this him?
You have no right
to go through my things.
How dare you?
This is my stuff!
- I'm sorry.
- You know what, stop!
- I don't want to hear it.
- Don't be mad.
I know how hard it is
to let things go.
Oh, yeah?
Like your ring?
- Please, Ava.
- You know what?
We've known each other
for less than 24 hours...
half of which
we don't even remember...
so don't act like
you know anything about me.
You're right. 24 hours is not
enough time to know someone.
Neither is five years,
apparently.
And what the hell
is that supposed to mean?
It means it took you
half a decade to realize
- that someone didn't love you.
- You are such a hypocrite.
- It took you just as long.
- Yeah?
Well, it only took me
half a day to realize
what kind of woman
I really need to love.
Yeah,
and what kind is that?
One that's just as miserable
as I am.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Good news.
Looks like we have the
situation under control.
- Slut!
- You can get back to your lives.
Get your hands off me.
That was my...
Looks like your
little nightmare is over.
[LAUGHS]
Have fun kids.
[LAUGHS]
Uh...
So, um,
I guess it's over.
Yeah.
I guess.
- Maybe you should...
- I should go.
Go, right.
You should...
You should go.
Um, look, Michael,
about before,
I, I... I'm just...
- I didn't...
- It's okay.
It's okay.
I understand.
It's tough letting go.
After all,
love takes hostages.
I had a wonderful night
last night.
Probably...
Most likely.
Well, um...
Thank you for
being here with me.
I felt safe.
Unbelievable!
My baby brother,
in the trenches!
Come here,
let me see you.
Oh, let me look at you.
Oh, man, you look like shit.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Come on, you hungry?
I saw a hot dog place
on the way over.
- Ugh.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- All right, good.
I forgot my wallet anyway.
MICHAEL:
Ava?
TVs on to hide
the sound of tears
What is that?
My mind is lost
with all these aching fears
Of the fact
I've lost my all
Thought you'd always
catch my fall
There is no love,
there is no us
Awake by dawn
and drunk by dusk
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life will
never be the same
I'm broken and battered
My thoughts
are so scattered
I learned to hate them
and I am
Though I do
the things I can
Because of you,
because of you
I hate the man I am
because of you
Because of you
I do the things I can
Take the pictures
out of the frame
Say that I'm the one
to blame
Things will never be
the same
Our lives will
stand forever change
Just go home,
it's all right...
AVA:
Okay, Miguel, one drink.
I'm Ava.
I've lost a home
from what you said
I lost my love,
I lost my friend
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow...
You seriously gonna
sit here all night?
...Will never be the same
I'm broken and battered
Though I do the things
I can
Because of you,
because of you
I hate the man I am
because of you
Because of you...
AVA:
Hello?
...Do the things I can.
- Hey, Hi.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Hey, uh, listen, I left my phone
here the other night.
White Nokia?
Yes!
Oh, Thank you so much
for keeping my phone safe.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
- Oh, fantastic.
Shoot.
So, did you guys
make up the other night?
- What?
- You and your boyfriend?
Oh, uh,
he's not my boyfriend.
Really?
Yeah, I'm sorry, wait,
what do you mean, make up?
Well, when you walked in here
the other night
you were pretty angry
and when you left,
- you were all smiles.
- Really? We were?
Yeah.
So he's not your boyfriend?
No.
Maybe me and you can go out
sometime for a drink?
Oh. Oh, oh, right.
Uh, you know what, that is just,
that's so flattering,
but, um, I can't
because...
I'm an alcoholic.
So, take care.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]
...I need a little love
to get by
I need a little help
sometimes
I need a little love
- Love, love, love, whoa.
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
Hello?
Mom? Dad?
- Oh hi, honey!
- Hello.
We missed you at church
this morning.
Hey mom, have you seen
my make up brushes?
I had them upstairs.
Oh.
Okay,
I don't care who started it
just end it now.
Mom?
You two have been fighting
since you were toddlers.
You pulled her hair,
you locked the other one in the freezer.
Have you guys
not been watching the news?
No. Why?
Did they talk about
your sister's book?
What? No!
Seriously, you guys
aren't concern at all
that you haven't heard from me
in two days?
What?
Seems normal.
Sometimes, what, we go two weeks
without hearing from you.
Never mind.
I'm gonna charge my phone.
Oh God, what's wrong?
You did not not pay your
electricity bill again?
What? Again? Sarah is the one
who doesn't pay her bills.
- I'm right here.
- Well, you don't.
Look. Okay, why is your phone
not charged?
- It's called a dead battery!
- It's called a dead battery.
I left my phone at the bar
the other night.
The bar?
Oh no, Ava,
you are not,
you are not getting back
together with Kevin again,
- are you?
- What?
How many times
do we have to tell you,
that boy adds nothing
to your life.
All I'm asking for
is for a phone charger.
And no, I'm not trying to get
back together with Kevin.
- That's over.
- Okay, mine is in the kitchen.
I mean, what kind of man
makes a living
getting other people drunk?
I can do that
all by myself for free.
Not to mention,
talking all night
- to other beautiful woman.
- It's true.
- Mom! Enough.
- And God only knows...
Okay, seriously,
you guys don't know \what's been
going on in my apartment building?
You know your father
watches the TLC.
It's just TLC mom.
There's no...
All right, honey.
I'm, I'm sorry,
tell me what happened?
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLOSES]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Michael.
Jackie?
You look so handsome.
You always looked stunning
in a suit.
You're not gonna
give me a hug?
Or a kiss hello?
What are you doing here?
We can both be adults
about this.
I know things
didn't end well between us...
Well?
Not the way I see it.
I mean, I for one love
to be cheated on.
It gives me
this warm fuzzy feeling.
I know what I did
was terrible.
- Did you get my card?
- Oh, yeah, the card.
How thoughtful.
I particularly
loved the gift card.
I mean,
how did you know?
Well, I noticed
that your sink was leaking,
and I thought
it would be a nice gesture.
Leaking?
And when did you notice that?
On the way out
of our relationship,
when you shattered my heart
into fucking pieces?
Please Michael,
if you had listened to my voicemail.
I meant every single word.
- I still love you.
- What voicemail?
The one I left you
the other night.
I didn't get any voicemail.
You know what,
it doesn't matter.
Look. I woke up
thinking about you
and about what a terrible
mistake I made.
You're just such a nice guy,
Michael.
But marriage isn't exactly
on my bucket list.
But you,
you are such an amazing man,
and any girl out there
would be so lucky...
Wait.
After 5 years,
you cheat on me.
I don't hear from you
for weeks
and you leave me a voicemail
and a card that says
"Hey, I'm leaving you,
Michael.
And by the way,
your fucking sink is leaking"?
Yeah, I still want us
to be friends.
Oh, friends, right.
Sure.
How about we go bowling?
Sure.
Whatever you want.
No! I don't want
to be your friend.
I wanted...
I wanted you to be my wife.
I wanted to spend the rest
of my life with you.
It was...
it was a beautiful ring, Michael.
The ring?
It was a beautiful ring.
It was beautiful
when I bought it,
and it was beautiful
when you took it off.
- But it is gone now.
- What do you mean, gone?
Oh, I flushed it!
And I hope it's in some vile sewer
covered in shit and egg
and piss and hair
and everything else disgusting
that reminds me of you.
Why did you do it?
Will you ever forgive me?
I miss you.
Good-bye Jackie.
You got ruffied!
Oh my God,
he ruffied you!
No, he didn't ruffie me.
How do you even know
what a ruffie is?
I saw it on "Law & Order."
Detective Stabler
went undercover.
- He was in a...
- No. Mom. Mom, mom.
- Michael was a gentleman.
- Oh!
No, really,
he was a nice guy.
Well, Ava,
I sure hope you used protection.
- Oh, God, no.
- That is disgusting, mom.
Oh, you think you're the only girl
who ever had a one-night stand?
Oh, well.
Well, I need a refill.
- Anybody else wants a drink?
- No, God.
Well, more for me.
You really don't remember
anything from the other night?
I mean, bits and pieces
are coming back to me.
And the man,
that you were stuck with?
Michael?
More of like a lost puppy.
- You like him?
- What?
The aloof, charming,
good-looking guy
that you can't stop
smiling about.
Well, he is very good-looking.
Um, hey listen,
about the other night...
Oh, stop, you... I don't...
we don't have to talk about it.
- Yes, we do.
- No, it's fine.
I'm so sorry.
I know that you've been working
on your writing and I just...
Is that you apologizing?
Ugh, you were right.
I'm so sorry,
these past few months,
they haven't been
the best for me.
And just because you're
successful,
doesn't mean I shouldn't be
happy for you.
You deserve it.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
Oh, actually,
I have something for you.
Here.
- Is this...
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Since you made it
to the shelves before I did,
um, maybe you can
give me a few pointers?
Wow, this guy really
did a number on you.
Oh My God, okay, fine.
Yes, I can't stop
thinking about him.
But, I mean, I, I don't...
I didn't get his last name
or his phone number.
Maybe he has yours.
Well, you didn't take his
but maybe he has yours
and you just don't remember.
- Have you checked your phone?
- No, it's charging.
Have you turned it on.
- Anything?
- It's turning on.
- [VIBRATING]
- Oh, ended.
[LAUGHS]
- Is that him?
- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.
- Told you.
Yummy, yummy.
So, are you gonna call him?
- What?
- Call him.
[BEEP] What?
Why would you...
My God...
God, you are...
[VIBRATING]
Oh, voicemail.
Hi Michael, it's me... Paco.
Um, sorry, it's, uh, Ava.
Anyway, I just got the picture
that you sent.
And, yeah,
I guess there is proof
that the other night
actually happened.
Um, anyway, you know,
I was thinking,
I know this sounds crazy,
I mean, we met under some pretty
crazy circumstances,
but, ah, you know,
actually I can't stop
thinking about it.
[SIGHS]
You know, I don't even know your last
name, so I was thinking...
- Get your ass in here.
- The men's room?
Oh, I like your style.
Dangerous!
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was invited.
Plus one.
Yeah, well, you uninvited
yourself when you went ahead
and told Michael
you had slept with someone.
Relax, I didn't tell him
it was you.
Now, how about
a wedding present?
You know I'm getting married
in like 18 minutes.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
But does that little kitty
know how to hunt like a panther?
Ooh, that's my spot.
That's my spot.
Gotcha.
Oh, Baby, baby, baby,
just hold on for a week.
When I get back
from my honeymoon,
I'm gonna need a vacation
from my vacation.
Maybe you can hunt then.
Mm... I want to hunt now.
You do want to hunt?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, right, yeah, turn, oh...
Mikey.
What's wrong?
You still thinking
about your cellmate?
- What was her name again?
- Ava.
Her name is Ava.
Wow, this Ava must've been
something else, huh?
Don't let it get to you,
baby brother.
Girls like that are like
fountain coins,
they're just laying there,
waiting to be picked.
But I would never
steal from the fountain.
Hey, ladies!
Let's go.
All right.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Mikey?
What's gotten into you?
Come on, let's get this
wedding business over with
and get to the reception.
I heard the band singer
got a set of Medusa titties.
As soon as you stare at them
your dick turns to stone.
Come on!
OFFICIANT:
Please be seated.
We're all here today to celebrate
one of life's greatest moments.
And that's the blessed union
of two people
who love each other,
trust each other
and have decided to spend the
rest of their lives together.
Alex Schultz
and Denise Flowers.
The people gathered today
are the most important people
in this couples' lives.
For we are all witnesses
and supporters
of the dedication and love
they have for each other.
Out of the ordinary,
comes the extraordinary.
Two strangers.
Two wonderful people,
who had never met,
found each other
and they fell in love.
So they decided to finalize it
with their wedd...
Michael?
Mikey!
- Where are you going?
- I have to go.
What? Now?
Can't you hold it?
- I'm leaving, Alex.
- Leaving?
Just one second.
Michael,
what's your problem?
What's going on?
How could you?
I trusted you.
- What is he talking about?
- Nothing, baby, nothing.
Look Mikey,
I knew she was trouble.
- I did you a solid!
- A solid?
Are you insane?
Now you know what kind of
messed-up girl
- she really is.
- Girl? What girl?
No, now I know what kind
of brother you really are.
Come on, Mikey. You know I'm
always looking out for you, bro.
I never needed you
to look out for me!
And, by the way,
here's my wedding gift.
Jackie, you think
you're the only girl here
- my brother's sleeping with?
- [GASPS]
Why don't you ask how many
of your bridesmaids
- my brother here has banged.
- [GASPS]
Come on,
show of hands?
Anybody?
Any of the guests?
Got one there.
- Who's vulnerable now.
- Alex?
- What is he talking about?
- Nothing baby, nothing.
He's been through a lot
in the past few weeks.
Mikey!
I told you
not to call me that.
[CROWD GASPS]
Denise, I'm sorry.
Let me make this right.
Hey, Jackie?
Fuck you!
[CROWD GASPS]
Denise, Baby,
Mikey is going through
a lot of shit.
You piece of shit!
Asshole!
Garbage!
I loved you and trusted you.
[SPITS]
You can have him, tramp!
[CROWD GASPS]
[ALEX GROANS]
Well, I guess we can all proceed
to the cocktail.
Yes!
It's Schultz.
Hmm?
My last name.
Schultz.
Nice to meet you,
Michael Schultz.
I'm Ava Pierce.
Ava.
Do you want to come inside
for a drink?
How about a Roy Rogers?
Sounds good.
TVs on to hide the sound
of tears
My mind is lost
with all these aching fears
Of the fact
I've lost my all
Thought you'd always
catch my fall
There is no love
there is no us
Awake by dawn
and drunk by dusk
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life will
never be the same
I'm broken and battered
My thoughts
are so scattered
I've learned to hate
the man I am
Though I do the things I can
because of you
Because of you
I hate the man I am,
because of you
Because of you
I do the things I can
Take the pictures
out of the frame
And say that I'm the one
to blame
Things will
never be the same
Our lives will
stand forever changed
Just go home,
it's all right
I swear
I don't want to fight
I've love a home
from what you've said
I've lost my love,
I've lost my friend
Drowning in this sorrow
Suffocated by the pain
Like there's no tomorrow
My life
will never be the same
I'm broken and battered.
[MUSIC PLAYING]