Love at First Spite (2025) Movie Script
[LAUGHTER]
[THUNDERSTORM]
[PUPPY WHIMPERS]
Shhh!
[SOFT WHIMPER]
[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[FAIRY-TALE MUSIC]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Never was.
Never was there...
Never was there a tale
Never was there a tale of such
love and devotion.
Multiplied. Doublified.
Squared to the second power
and so on.
This is the tale of not one love
but two.
[SCORE PLAYS]
What qualities of the chivalrous
do we still possess?
I made a list
and you're about to hear it.
Kind, tall, well-groomed,
relentlessly sexual.
A steady income
from a steady job
and a steady relationship
with the most amazing homegrown
Pennsylvania gal to ever share
a work cubicle with me.
Unsuspecting.
Resourceful.
Three months vegan
just for the occasion.
Detail orientated
and punctual.
6:00. I haven't missed it.
Kate Fisher, you're the upper
management to my pitch deck.
The bottom line
to my actionable items.
Having you as a coworker
these last four years has been...
The most amazing
four years of my life.
And I would love...
STEVE No. No, she's not going
to say yes to a snoozer like that.
Spice it up or else we're
all going to die of boredom.
Oh my God, Dad, this whole thing
is her idea, all right?
Then what's the problem?
It's no problem. She just has this
thing where practice makes proposal.
I read that in a
magazine somewhere
Sweetheart.
First of all, she's got us
eating these hipster biscuits
Okay so this is a coaster.
Are you sure she's the one?
She's... She's really sweet
when you get to know her.
If Chaz doesn't propose
exactly the way I told him to,
Im going to scoop his jelly
out with a grapefruit spoon.
She's a bad egg.
Shut up!
Milton!
Milton. Take a lap.
That a boy.
Go to the car.
Find me a bag of pocket meat.
Pocket meat?
Steve! I'm going to need it if
I'm going to survive this dinner.
This is a vegan restaurant,
here, eat this.
I don't want that.
It's going to be fine.
You're going to say yes. I'm going to
throw you a bitch in bachelorette party
Let's go in. I am starving.
Ladies,
I got another ride to pick up.
Fine. Don't forget to film it.
Yeah. We're going.
If you mess up recording this,
I swear I'm
going to throw your R.V.
off a cliff with you
inside of it.
Shoot.
What's wrong? Its stuck
on resting bitch face filter.
Oh, wait.
That's just you!
MILTON Pocket meat. KATE: Smart
phones shouldn't be smarter than you.
SCARLETT Yes, they should.
You okay over there?
This is my Dads meat.
Meat? Cute.
Milton! Get inside. I don't want
you walking in and ruining this.
Yes, ma'am. [DEWEY,
VOICE OVER] Kate, I will show
you that love is not dead.
Just misplaced
with the wrong man
at the wrong vegan restaurant.
Thank you. Good Job.
Excuse me, herbivore.
Could you heat this up in the
microwave, please? Thank you.
We don't have a microwave.
There is always a microwave.
Two minutes should be fine.
[DEWEY, VOICE-OVER]
My redheaded firecracker
approaches with her
simple-witted sister.
KATE: Its only the most
important video of my life.
Get my face!
SCARLETT Everyone gets married
it's not that special.
SCARLETT Hug!
[ADORING MURMURS]
Oh, sorry.
Blocking the parents.
Mmm
Is this lettuce wrapped lettuce?
It's aged romaine
in our signature endive.
Pbbtt!
Who's that?
I like her.
SCARLETT Ooh, champagne!
Kate
You are the reason why
I wake up every morning.
Because she probably wouldn't
let him sleep in.
Chaz, you are my everything.
SCARLETT She's already usurping.
MILTON Usurp, nice word.
Thanks, it was my smartphone
word of the day.
Go on Chazzy.
Every day with you is
the single best day of my life.
That doesn't make sense.
Dude, please!
Scarlett! Why can't you just
shut up for, like, five seconds?
You cant do anything right. You can't take
one simple direction. Just stand there.
You two are perfect
for each other.
Go ahead, son.
There's always a microwave.
There's always a microwave.
Ooh.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay.
[TENSE MUSIC]
It doesn't fit.
It has to fit.
It doesn't fit.
It fits, it has to.
Coming in for a close up! KATE:
We had it fitted and everything!
They say the camera adds pounds!
Give me a big smile.
I'll show you a pound!
[PUNCH LANDS]
[CROWD GASPS]
[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[CROWD GASPS]
[THUD]
[MARGARET SOBBING]
KATE My proposal!
MARGARET No, Steve, no!
KATE: You stopped
recording!
SCARLETT To call 911!
Steve!
[SIBLINGS ARGUING]
[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
MARGARET (OFFSCREEN) No, No!
WAITER (OFFSCREEN)
Theres always a microwave.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[LAUGHING]
At least I got my pocket meat.
[UPBEAT SONG CONTINUES]
["CHASING LOVE CAN
DRIVE YOU MAD"]
["MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD
MAKE YOU FEEL SO SAD"]
["OH, CHASING LOVE"]
["OH, CHASING LOVE"]
Hey.
Hey.
So last night
I guess that's why they don't
throw the bachelorette party
the night before
the actual wedding.
Yeah, ending up
here was an interesting choice.
I don't actually remember
how that happened.
Do you remember?
[SMACK]
Yep.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, God.
It's going to be a long day.
Do you want me to get you
anything? Water? Aspirin?
No, I should get going. I don't
want to confuse the wedding guests
on who's getting married
and who's had their first one
night stand.
Yeah. See you at the altar.
Bye, Milton.
Im not a virgin.
Suck it, Chaz.
[CLAPPING]
It's about time.
Oh, did you just muffin-bust
my brother?
Wait, you're saying
he's a virgin?
Yes.
No, there's no way.
I mean, other than that hand
of his, he's full on virgin.
No. He did this thing
with his hand.
No, no, no, I don't want to know
what he did with anything.
And you know what?
Neither should your sister.
KATE (OFFSCREEN) No, no, no!
[KATE SLAMS DOOR]
Good luck with that one.
Thanks. You should go
through the back door though.
Yep.
Where is...
Down that way.
Okay.
Don't look at me like that.
There needs to be button
chrysanthemums.
[CLATTER] Hey, is this the
back door? I'm a little lost.
Ew, did you sleep on the floor
last night?
Dog bed, actually.
Its a step up from the mattress
in your trailer.
It was. Very roomy. Ten
out of ten.
You're disgusting.
I'll call the
florist right now, Cuz.
[SWISHES AND SPITS]
Hillbilly toothpaste.
No drinking
until after the wedding.
I don't want anyone drunk
when I walk down the aisle.
You're saying this whole day
I have to be sober?
What is that? I can't tell if it's your
usual B.O. or something stickier.
This is a beautiful place
to have a wedding. Honestly.
Good choice.
Deflecting.
But yes, it is gorgeous.
And it's going to be perfect.
And it's going to be
the happiest day of my life.
Those inside until
the arbor is up!
Okay. Oh, no. You're not actually
going through with that, are you?
Unplugged weddings are totally
in right now. I've been to plenty
of weddings that go unplugged.
Maybe Chaz will find a way
to get your asshole unplugged.
We tried that once. Never again.
Word. So, Kate, just in
case the florist ghosts you
what if we use some greenery
to fill out the table settings?
There needs to be
button chrysanthemums.
Button chrysanthemums
are the most important thing!
I would think family
is the most important thing.
Yes, Dad. Family is the most
important thing.
That's my girl. And then
my button chrysanthemums.
And then my button
chrysanthemums.
Don't start with me.
Scarlett, this is Kate's day.
Just do what she says on her
day. Please.
So Bro, Kate can't know
that I seduced her sister.
Seduced?
Oh, dude. That's hilarious.
That's funny.
Pretend I'm this sweet, savory
maple syrup.
Scarlett,
is this little piece of pancake,
[SYRUP SQUELCHES]
and I just smother...
Her like that.
Dude that's disgusting.
I think she liked it.
I highly doubt it.
Bow chick a wow wow
Well look at this sight my two
boys having their last breakfast
before one of them
becomes a married man.
Oh, Chazzy,
this is going to be one of the
most important days of your life.
Yeah, because it's all downhill
from here.
At least for Kate.
No that aint...
Dick.
No fighting today.
This is an important day
for everyone.
Don't ruin it with your sibling
squabbling.
I won't.
I won't more.
Okay. Before the guests arrive,
I have something to show you.
Something from your father.
Something from Dad?
[ANGELIC CHORD]
All right, here we go.
Game time, baby.
He made this
a couple of years ago,
right after his first
heart attack.
We always wanted to do something
really nice for you boys.
Well, Ill let
your father explain.
[BEEP]
My boys.
Dad.
Love you. Miss you.
Heavens great.
Tom Petty invited me
to go free fall in.
No, seriously,
if you're seeing this,
one of you is getting married.
Congratulations, Chaz or Milton.
Thanks, Dad.
Suck it, Milton.
To build the life
of your financial dreams
your mother and I have agreed
that the first of you
to get married
we would help you out
as much as we can.
So we are gifting you Chaz
or Milton, your childhood home,
to help you and your partner
build your new life together.
No, no.
And a basic court
marriage won't do.
You need to have a ceremony
for your mother.
Now, party hard like I did.
My favorite boy, Chaz
or Milton. Enjoy your new house.
And now back to heaven.
Congratulations, Chaz.
I got the best mom and dead Dad
in the entire world.
He gets the house? Oh, come on,
Milton, be supportive of your brother.
Just because
he's getting married?
I live here.
I've always lived here.
About that...
time to pack up player.
What about you? What about you?
You live here too?
Oh, actually, I'm
moving with your aunt
to Gulf Shores Condos
in Florida.
It has a lazy river!
A lazy river?
What is happening?
Mom, that room will always
be available for you
when you're here.
Thanks, Chazzy.
You're welcome. As for you, I'm
turning your room into my drumset room.
You don't even play the drums.
Now I have a room to learn.
I hope someone bought
it from the registry.
[SCREAMING]
What fun.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
My heart swells
as I pen these words
from the early morning hours,
anticipation has coursed
through my veins,
intermingling with
the scent of...
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
Accidental carpool.
Excuse me, sir. Are you on the
groom's side or the brides side?
I'm on Kates side.
Who will grace me with her
presence
clad in a gown that is
will surely rival
the beauty of heaven.
Oh, you too, huh?
Kissing cousins?
Except I'm grooms side.
You get them anything good?
I have a few surprises.
Hey, you guys forgot your
giant gift.
Score.
[MILTON, YELLING]
Who is Tom Petty?
Whoa, you look sadder than when
Atreyu lost Artax
in the Swamp of Sadness.
Yeah.
I thought you'd like that one.
You're the only person who even
understood what I just said.
My mom and dad are giving Chaz
the house as a wedding gift.
I have nowhere to live.
That sucks.
I'd offer you a spot
in my trailer, but
you aren't gonna wanna do that.
Why does it have to be about
who's getting married first?
There's nothing
I can do about that.
Well, if that's the case, you technically
could still get married before Kate and Chaz.
No one would marry me, though.
I might.
Yeah, right.
I mean, why not? You're fun.
Cute.
Most importantly, you have
a house with air conditioning.
But you're not into it,
so I'm just going to go die.
Oh, no. No, wait.
Are you seriously serious?
Serious.
I mean, not about the dying,
but, you're nerd rock cute
And my favorite album
is Pinkerton.
Good, cause obviously
it's the best Weezer album.
On loop for years!
Wait, you actually
will marry me?
I mean, what is marriage
besides two people
working on a mutual goal?
And our mutual goal is that
we don't want to be homeless.
Chaz and Kate
could totally understand.
Well...
Ugh!
Do you need some help, gorgeous?
Oh, thank you, Dewey.
Oh, why is everyone so early?
I gotta get on my dress.
Can't wait to see you in it!
This would be such
a perfect wedding
for us.
Argh!
I would totally do it,
but probably shouldn't
ruin my sister's wedding day.
Meet me at the bar
when this is all over?
[ANGELIC CHORD]
Oh!
So close.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
Today's the big day.
The big day to
sabotage a wedding!
Kates wedding
will be in shambles.
And I'll be the one
to pick up the pieces,
proving that I'm much
more than a work husband.
I knew it at the company
Christmas party,
and I know it now.
Chaff, your reckoning
has finally come.
Chaff's reckoning!
[CLATTER]
Oh my God, Kate, I am so jelly.
This is going to be
your new house!
I would die to have this house.
I kill my own mother
for this house.
Kill her good.
What is this?
If you don't like it, you
should have come to the fitting.
Kate, I did your engagement
party,
your bachelorette party, I
hand wrote all of your invitations.
I couldn't come to one fitting,
and this is what you
picked out for me?
Polyester in August!?
I got everyone
their favorite color.
Pink.
Pink.
Pink.
Okay, well, this hasn't been my
favorite color since I was seven.
Well, that was the last time
I asked you.
You thought you were a mermaid
and insisted
everyone call
you Seashells all summer.
You look super cute.
For a mermaid.
[MEAN LAUGHTER]
Hey, what time did you get back
from taking the stripper
home last night?
Oh my God, the stripper.
I totally forgot,
he's still in my RV.
What?
He's been in there all night.
Don't you sleep in the RV?
You slept with the stripper?
No, I didn't sleep...
I didn't sleep in my
RV last night.
Scarlett, if he's still
in your RV,
then we are still being charged
by the hour for him.
Okay. I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
No, the accident was thinking
you could be responsible.
[MEAN LAUGHTER]
Male stripper?
Male stripper?
Oh, Maid of Honor!
You ready for another lap dance?
Oh, no. No.
Male stripper. Down, down.
My name is Henry.
And no lap dance? Oh, I'm so
sorry I forgot you in here last night.
I got you some food
and some water,
and I'll just be right back.
[SEXY MUSIC]
No male stripper. No, no, no.
Quit dancing.
I'm still on the cock clock,
And when I'm on the cock clock
I give the good stuff.
You're so dedicated,
I'm just going to ask you to
wait right here.
I'm just going to find my phone
and Ill come right...
I cant come with you?
No, no.
Why? Someone has
to want a lap dance.
Hmm...
I cant think of anybody
Just wait right here.
Oh, God.
Arnold?
Bernadette?
Yeah!
[LADIES CHEER]
Cant wait for this wedding.
This is going to be epic.
So, how do you two know
the bride?
Oh, we don't know the bride,
were the groom's maids.
Groom's maids?
Yeah, we're Chaz's cousins.
Kissing cousins.
Ew.
No, we're his ride or dies.
Wed go to the end of this flat
earth for him.
Literally take a bullet for him.
Or, at least a shot.
[LAUGHTER] Sounds like you two and
Chaz have quite the unbreakable bond.
Oh, yeah. I can't wait
to get there and start drinking.
Don't even pour it in a glass,
bottle to face.
I heard it was a dry wedding.
No shots until
the knot is locked.
Oh hell no.
Screw Chaz.
Chaz is dead to us.
Turn this car around,
were going home.
I'm entering the highway.
Turn this car around.
Did you take care of the male
stripper?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Wait I thought you were wearing
Mom's dress?
We even cut the puffy
sleeves off.
I thought about it,
but it just wasn't me.
You know, all the sparkles.
I wanted something romantic,
not gaudy.
Don't you care about
Mom's energy
being a part of any of this?
Mom's energy?
Mom is dead, Scarlett.
Geez. Look if you get
married, you'll understand.
Not that I'm holding my breath
on that one.
I could get married.
Who would want to marry a chick who lives
in an RV and showers once a year, maybe?
[BOTTLE SPRITZES]
I can think of someone.
I have squatter's rights.
Ew, dude, the last thing
I want to think about
is you squatting on anything
or anyone for that matter.
You think she regrets adding you
to her hookup list?
She actually told me she never
had a one night stand before.
I'm pretty sure she was
talking about bedroom furniture.
Oh my God. No you didn't.
I might have.
I honestly can't think of
what's more pathetic
him sleeping with you or you
sleeping with a loser like him.
He's not a loser.
He's eccentric and adorable.
He still lives at home,
and he wears t shirts
with cartoons on them.
Those are anime. Oh my God
she knows the name of the show!
Dude, as
soon as I sanitize this place
I got some ideas for it.
Right here, for instance,
this is where I put my drum set.
That's where I podcast.
Right here is where
I put my lacrosse trophies.
What about my
participation awards?
Right over there,
That's where I put
the punching bag.
I can still be your punching
bag, man.
Just let me stay.
Okay.
Really?
No.
Hell no.
I can't wait
to redecorate his room.
I'm going to turn it
into a meditation space.
Unless it's my house first.
What?
[SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]
You're just pissy
because Im the favorite!
You're not the favorite, you're
just getting married first!
It's not that hard to do!
Oh yeah?
Then you do it.
Maybe I will.
What? Where are you going?
To be an every night stand.
Huh?
I want to marry you, Scarlett.
I want to marry you, Milton.
And we both want the house.
Desperately. And I don't care
how many guys you slept with.
Okay. Give me a chance
to make you happy.
I think if it's for you,
I can do anything.
Of course.
And, just promise me
that when I screw up,
and I probably will,
that you'll just have
patience with me?
Deal.
Deal.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
["AVE MARIA" PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
What's that?
Oh, it's my Bible.
Ten Ways to Be the Best
Mother of the Groom
It's my perfect day checklist.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[REPEATED DOORBELL RINGING]
Father, you're early.
God didn't want me to be late
and I am but his humble servant.
Well come inside in the
air conditioning.
Thank you.
Make yourself at home.
I will, thank you. Could you be so
kind as to direct me to the restroom?
There's a bit of a
situation in Sodom
if you know what I mean.
Yes, the last door on the left.
Bless you child.
Father! Hey!
Actually, she didn't
mean this one
she meant the bathroom
in the West Wing.
This one smells like dookie.
I have to dookie, myself.
Thank you so much, son. Perfect. You'll
have your own private bathroom over here.
Heaven's gates are
about to be breached.
That's disgusting.
And here we are, Father.
Your own personal bathroom.
Thank you, my son.
I shant baptize this
toilet soon enough,
if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah.
[DOORKNOB BREAKS]
Sucker!
[DEWEY, NARRATING] I am
captivated by every single
aspect of Kate's existence,
from the way she delicately
brushes a strand of red hair
behind her ear
to the melodic sounds of her
[LAUGHING]
laughter.
She enchants me entirely.
So what are we going to do
about the rings?
I have a cousin
that'll tattoo them.
And what about the music?
I have a cousin whos a DJ.
And what about the food?
I have a cousin who caters.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC STARTS]
But the most important thing
is that we get hitched
before their wedding at 5:00.
I've always been a fan of 4:20
Me, too.
[HARSH WEDDING BELL RINGS]
We'll get married at 4:20,
we have a quick ceremony
in the backyard,
have a bite of cake,
then scuffle back to
the other party
so we're not total dicks.
I'm going to figure out invitations so people
know to come to the backyard wedding first.
Hey, Grandma Agnes...
How would you like to come
to an even better wedding
than this one?
That's why I'm here,
for a wedding.
But for my other grandson,
not you.
Oh, no no no.
I'm getting married too.
You're getting married?
I thought you were smart enough
to realize love
is a complete sham.
Would you be interested in being
the best man in my wedding?
Yeah, but this is
a wedding out of spite.
Oh, is it now?
How lovely.
I've never been to a
spite wedding before.
This I gotta see.
How does it look out there? More
spectacular than you could ever imagine?
Well...
What's that?
I don't think
you want to see these.
What the hell?
Where's Chaz?
He needs to see this.
Isn't it bad luck
for you to see...
I don't give a...
Spit everywhere is one thing.
Just what do you think you're
trying to pull
on my wedding day? You cannot get
married before me just to get the house.
Ok Kate, hi! I was wondering if
you could be my Maid of Honor,
then you could do
all the menial slave labor
that comes
with being a bridesmaid?
Don't worry,
I already have a stripper.
This is my house, Chaz.
You moved out 12 years ago.
Scarlett, do you know that
he has a blow up doll
in his closet?
Are you mad?
This is all about the house? Kate, as much
money as you brag about having all the time
I'm sure you'll be just fine.
I have no liquid!
Everything's tied up in crypto.
I told you that, Scarlett!
I'm sure you would have found
some other reason to say
your wedding was a disaster,
like the flowers, the sun,
whatever an arbor is.
I am trying to throw a champagne
wedding on a beer budget.
Yes, and I'm sure you
will still have
your picture perfect
pink wedding,
just not the house.
[SCREAMING]
Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?
Keep calm. Rule #1 in my
magazine is keep a calm, cool tone
What do you think you're
trying to pull here, young man?
You and Dad were the ones
who made this challenge
so I'm just rising up
to the occasion.
Wait, you're telling me that I have two
weddings to be best mother of the groom at?
Yes. Are you mad?
For the love of Saint Joseph!
No, I'm not mad.
This
its a blessed miracle!
Dad! Tell Scarlett
she can't do this to me.
Scarlett, you can't do this.
It's not up to you. Mom, are you
really okay with this happening?
This is the happiest
day of my life. Twice.
Both my sons are getting
married today!
Kate, this is
just like your prom.
Okay. Even though
we had to use your limo
to pick Scarlett up
from jail on the way,
it's still a
special night, right?
No!
[SCREAMING]
[PAPER TEARING]
Sticky.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
There's been an unforeseen
development
with a rival wedding!
What luck!
Oh, what great fortune
I've been bestowed.
Kate's wails will merely deepen
my desire to dedicate my
every breath to her happiness.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Damn this robe.
Always in the way of my ab.
All right.
Christ on a cracker jacker!
Damn unplugged weddings.
Ive seen Kate use her phone
a million times in church.
But when it comes to my turn...
[CLATTER]
KATE (OFFSCREEN)
People are arriving!
CHAZ (OFFSCREEN)
Kate, Kate! Listen...
You're not listening to me!
Slow down.
Look. Smell this.
Your lavender.
You love it.
All right.
Look,
I know us being
sabotaged by our siblings
on the most important
day of our lives
is not what we expected.
But the most important thing
is that we're together.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
You're right.
A perfect wedding was just
the vegan icing on the cake.
You're my real dessert.
Sure. But we need to do is move
our wedding up by five minutes.
Yes!
We'll just get married at 4:15
Shouldn't be a problem.
We have to make sure no one goes
to the backyard though.
All right, we got this.
Excuse me,
Ladies and gentlemen, our wedding
has now been moved up by 45 minutes.
The new time is 4:15
Not unless you
find the priest...
Does that mean the open
bar is going to be opening soon?
Yes. As soon as I'm married.
I put my good lashes on
so I could drink my face off.
Yes!
Yeah!
There's always one.
There's always one.
There's always one. Do you
smell that? It's not my lavender.
Smells like victory!
No, seriously.
Do you smell that?
It smells like... [GRILL
HISSING] Cow Killers Barbecue!
We grill, you chew!
That's what we do!
KARLENE Woo-hoo!
Cousin Karlene, you made it!
Yeah and its a lucky thing too,
because it seems like
my invitation to
Kates wedding got lost?
I just didn't think you would
want to come to a vegan wedding.
Yeah, I'll go anywhere.
I can always bring
my pocket meat.
Hey, tell me more about this
pocket meat.
Cow Killers is locally sourced
Farm to table, table to mouth,
mouth to stomach.
That's right, Aunt B.
And I feel like that's why these steaks
are so darn juicy! [MEAT SIZZLES]
'Cause my cows,
They live the life!
And then same day slaughter.
Oh my God, I'm gonna cry.
That is horribly
fresh. So these little
cowies just died today?
That's spot on. Except I
wouldn't call my heifers little at all.
You gotta see these bad boys,
they are bigger than a house!
I feed them so good!
Kate! Kate!
Karlene, you got any
meat-based vegetables?
You gotta try my meat-based
portobello mushroom.
Put it aside for me, please.
You got it.
Kate!
So good.
So fresh!
It's like it's alive.
Moo!
Cow Killers!
Locally sourced,
farm to table, table to mouth,
mouth to stomach.
[LOUD MOO]
Kate listen!
The wedding is going to be vegan
Just the way you- we-wanted it.
The whole outside
smells like rotting flesh!
Well, not rotting, more like
grilled... sauted
disgusting, disgusting meat.
Listen, it'll be gone
before you know it, okay?
Okay.
Thanks, babe.
You always know how
to reassure me.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[DJ, OVER PA] Pew pew pew pew!
Its Scarletts favorite cousin!
DJ Drinks-A lot!
The backyard wedding
will now be at 4:07
Pew pew pew pew!
We are not losing this house.
We are moving our
wedding up to 3:59
Find the damn priest.
Where is that dude?
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Hello!?
Darn window's locked!
I've been trapped in this
bathroom for over half an hour!
I'm starting to use things
I found in the cabinets!
Ooh. Apple caramel
hand moisturizer.
Soothes and hydrates.
[BOTTLE SQUELCHES]
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
You are a man of faith.
All up in someone
else's moisturizer.
Shame sprinkles!
No, you know the rules.
Not until Kate and Chaz
say I do
In the meantime,
why did you give me
an arrival shot?
They took my phone
and I'm bored out of my mind.
No, not until someone crosses
that bridge into holy matrimony.
Blah blah blah.
Hurry up and have the whiskey
cross the bridge into my liver.
[SPRAY BOTTLE HISSES]
Who invited you?
Get outta here!
Hey! You too!
[SCARLETT GRUNTING]
Scarlett!
Scarlett!
Scarlett!
You like it?
Scarlett!
Toilet paper is
all I could find.
I know, I know, it looks great.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
Okay.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
[COMICAL CLUNK]
This is my cousin Maria.
She's really good
at making problems disappear.
Yeah,
I did a little party favor.
If you know what I mean.
So you remember how they're
having an unplugged wedding
and they told everybody
to put their phones in a basket?
Stupid. Yeah, well, now
they're officially unplugged.
For good.
[MILTON GIGGLES]
You stole the basket.
She stole the basket.
I stole the basket. My phones
in that basket. Can I have it?
Yeah, yeah.
Maria, where'd you
hide the basket?
Look, Cuz, I like you, but
I don't move bodies and tell.
Bodies.
Sorry, force of habit.
I don't move cellies and tell.
What do you mean?
We need our cell phones.
That's too bad. You had a problem,
and I took care of that problem.
Licky licky boom boom.
Where's the basket, Maria?
All right,
I'll tell you one thing.
They might be on sleep mode.
With the fishes.
Tiger, did she throw
our phones in the lake?
Oh, Tiger!
[ROARS AND GROWLS]
We'll work on it.
Okay.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[DJ, OVER PA]
Pew pew pew pew!
Here's a request:
Anyone have any bug spray?
No big deal.
I'm just a little allergic.
You want people not to leave?
I made sure people aren't
leaving.
Yes, babe!
What did you do?
Electric pens? Sheepdog?
Cash bribery?
No babe, even better.
[MAGICAL SOUNDS]
Red velvet.
My uncle, he got
a bunch of these in the truck
just in case something like
this ever happens.
How's it going to help?
People can easily
get around a velvet rope?
No they can't.
I got my cousin here.
How you doin?
Cousin!
He's here to regulate.
Make sure no one passes.
Cousin...
Look at him,
look at the features.
No, it's my cousin's cousin.
But today he's my cousin.
Watch this.
Just watch.
Hold up.
No crossing the velvet rope.
Why? We gotta get to
the backyard wedding.
Not today.
Who are you?
Im a cousin.
Who's cousin?
I'm a cousin...
of a cousin
who makes me somebody's cousin.
Go back to your seats.
Yeah, yeah.
But I am a cousin.
Yeah, tell it to your seat.
A real one, too.
Shoo!
No ones passing cousin.
Okay. That's fine.
It's going great.
Congratulations!
So you're really going
to ruin your sister's day?
She wanted it to be memorable.
Scarlett...
Dad...
Dad, you've always said that
you wanted me to settle down
When are you going to
move out of that RV?
Quit dick in around and
get serious about something!
All right, all right. The house
is great, but what about Kate?
This is her day!
This is Milton's house!
He lives here
and deserves to stay.
I'm just helping the homeless.
I don't think he's
right for you.
Well, too bad!
It's not your choice.
It's up to me who Im with.
I know, but still...
Still what?
He could have asked.
Could have asked...?
Ohhh.
What's left? Bouquets?
Check.
Best man/maid of honor?
Check.
Cute. Asked my father
permission for my hand in marriage?
Wait. What?
I know it's a little archaic
but my Dad would really
appreciate it
if you asked him
for his blessing.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks.
Okay. How about chairs?
Coming in hot!
I did not invite her
to the backyard.
Hey Bridesmaid!
You ain't gonna find
your phone over there.
You better
tell me where they are.
I've started drinking
the emergency bride wine,
so I don't care what I destroy
at your sham wedding.
Just try me.
Hey, chill. Yeah we don't
know where the phones are.
What do you mean you don't know
where the phones are?
You stole them.
We hired outside help.
Well, then.
Hey!
Those are the good ones
from Arby's!
Male stripper!
Its Henry
Hey, hey, hey, do you still have
those furry handcuffs from earlier?
Of course.
A stripper prepares.
Great.
Excuse me!
What are you...
Suck it!
Good job, Booboo!
Thanks. But don't call me
Booboo I'm not a small bear.
All right! [SEXY MUSIC
STARTS] A forever customer!
I'm Henry, the male stripper.
Oh, and since you're
still on the clock,
your job is to give Gammy Ag
a lap dance for the next hour.
Now we're talking!
No!
What did I do
coming to the backyard!?
Kate!!
KARLENE (OFFSCREEN) Yeah Granny!
I can't believe you're
dealing with this so lightly.
Well, Womens and Babies
magazine says
You can't control life, but you
can control how you deal with it
I've had enough bad days
after my husband died.
I'm ready for some good ones.
Me too.
And some grandkids.
Yeah.
[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]
Hey, Mom, can I talk to
Mr. Fisher?
Sure.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS]
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
So I wanted to say to you
that I am an analyst.
Usually I do numbers.
My life is really
just kind of black and white.
[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]
Because of Scarlett,
for the first time in my life,
I see colors.
I'm never this spontaneous
but I just know
that this marriage
is a good thing.
[REFRIDGERATOR HUMS]
[CHAIR SQUEAKS]
Sir,
Im asking if you can
give me your blessing
to marry your daughter.
Hmm.
Hmm.
That was way better
than your brother.
It was?
Yes.
Yes, okay, yes.
You can marry Scarlett.
Hug me back.
You're soon gonna find out
that she usually gets
whatever she wants.
Good job, Son.
Where is that damn priest?
We'll just have someone
else officiate.
Takes what? Two seconds
to get ordained online?
We don't have our phones.
There is no online!
Okay.
Okay.
Babe, look at it,
I'm pretty sure someone here
has been ordained before
just on a bender one night.
Let me check. Let me check.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your
attention, please?
Is there anyone here
who's ordainable?
Ordainable?
We need someone to officiate us.
Oh, I can do it.
Internet certified.
I've done it before.
You have?
Dewey you're a lifesaver!
Babe, he isnt... come here.
Listen, babe,
this guy likes you likes you.
You can't do this.
Stop acting like a teenager,
I'm literally marrying you.
This guy says he's
your work husband
He's not wrong. Yeah,
don't worry about it, guys.
I can marry you.
And Chaff.
Dude, my name is not Chaff
Thank you.
Come on, Chaffy.
I mean, Chazzy.
Can you toss that for me?
Thanks, bro.
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Sabotage! Sabotage!
What do I do now?
I've been in here so long.
Im starting to feel dirty.
They do have a nice shower.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
[SHOWER SPRAYS]
[HUMMING]
Sorry you have to get married
to a tacky mermaid.
No, no, no.
You look like a reef.
A reef?
Yeah.
Like a beautiful coral reef.
God, I love you.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Yeah, you can't wear that.
How about this?
Mom's dress?
Really?
As much as I would like
to see the return of
Seashells the Mermaid
maybe this is a better fit.
And your mother
would be honored.
And you finally came around?
Well, I wish it wasn't
the same day,
but if you guys are happy,
you have my support.
Plus, I don't have
to pay for another wedding.
Thanks, Dad.
[LOUD RECORD SKIP]
No.
No not yet.
Too soon.
Its too soon.
After the reception, all right?
Okay? FLORIST No, Im not okay!
Do you know what this is?
Do you know what this is?
Flower?
This is a floral collar
for a dog!
A floral collar!
Okay, but why a dog?
Because the bride is a dog.
I mean...
I heard Kate was a bitch
but a collar is next level.
What? No.
I'm going to the
highly anticipated wedding
of Bark Twain and Shia LeFluff.
What?
The famously gay Bichon Friss?
Not a cousin.
[GROANS]
Different wedding.
[CLATTER]
[DOG BARKING]
[DJ, OVER PA]
Pew pew pew pew!
Look, I left my pew pew pew
machine at home
so I'm doing the best
pew pew pewing
that I can do, okay?
The backyard is
where the partys at
so let's jump, dance and
cornhole!
Pew pew pew!
[SOFT CHEERING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
I owe your Mom a curtain.
You look breathtaking.
I can't believe you're real.
[SCARLETT GIGGLES]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
Okay everybody, Our wedding
is going to begin in five minutes,
so put down your cornholing
And come watch us get hitched!
CROWD Almost get those drinks!
CROWD I want to see them kiss.
Pew pew pew pew!
Four minutes, everyone,
and then I'm walking
down that aisle.
Everyone in your places.
Does that mean we
get our phones back?
Hey, also, is anyone
and I mean anyone
able to ordain us
other than Dewey?
Anyone?
Anyone?
No.
Which wedding are we going to?
We can't go to both.
Should we split up?
No, we do things together.
We're not like their family.
Everyone take a seat
for the wedding!
Which one? The fancy schmancy
wedding or the hickey Dickie wedding?
I... I don't know.
It just says
round up the guests
There's nothing in the article
about what to do
if both your children decide
to get married the same day.
Don't drink!
[ROMANTIC SONG]
["DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES"]
Chaz!
You played this song
on our first date!
I know,
I wanted to surprise you.
But when you get back there,
Turn it off before
The Thong Song come on.
It'll change the whole party.
Go on, get down that aisle.
Go, go, go.
Okay.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
In a world of vibrant hues
behold, Kate.
Fair, with crimson tresses
that ignite the air.
Her hair a fiery cascade
dances with grace.
A tapestry of passion
upon her face.
In strands of ruby
a tale of love unfolds.
Each lock whispers secrets
oh like flames ablaze
they dance with such desire.
A passionate fire.
Every strand a story of love
a tale of love that...
Kate, Kate, Kate.
Kate, Kate, Kate,
Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate...
Dude. Focus, man.
You know what to say, right?
I know exactly what to say
to her.
Oh my God. But words
would not do her justice.
Has anyone seen my dad?
I think he's
still getting ready.
[TENSE MUSIC STARTS]
Okay.
I don't need my dad.
Or my mom.
And especially not my sister.
People get married without
their families all the time,
Right?
This isn't sad at all!
Honestly,
I think it's pretty sad.
Oh, it's my turn to walk!
Smiles, smiles!
Good luck, almost Mrs. Chaz
You're gonna win!
Im gonna win!
Milton, Milton!
We have to
get married right now!
[CHAOTIC MUSIC STARTS]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS]
This way! Over here!
Come on!
Shh!
Over here!
This way! Don't get lost!
We're out of time.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS CONTINUE]
I can hear the music!
Straight ahead, you'll see it!
I told you this was
the right way!
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]
All right,
I'm here.
Dad, where were you?
Sorry, I can't keep track of
which one of you
is get married first.
["WEDDING MARCH" CONTINUES]
Wait, Mom!
Where are you going?
Back to the front yard.
This is exhausting
keeping up with love.
No! Is their
wedding starting?
Everyone...
I like to re-invite you
to the front yard.
Mom! From the sound of it,
she's halfway down the aisle.
This house rule is
driving me mad!
No, no, no! Margaret! Can't
you just change the house rule?
No! My husband
sticks to his decisions,
even inside the grave.
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
That's for you, baby.
I love a good old fashioned
marriage-off!
No! Hey, guys!
Stay, stay!
Ladies and gentlemen,
We
are gathered here
today
to witness a marriage.
Dewey, let's just get
to the important parts.
Okay, um... Are you sure you don't
want me to take as long as possible
so you know you're
making the right decision?
Dude, I'm standing right here.
Let's just move
this along, shall we?
Mmkay...
Do you, Chaff...
Chaz.
Take this beautiful...
I cant believe he's
actually marrying them!
Why wouldn't he? Dont you see
him blue-veining over my sister?
who is far
out of your league.
Far out of anyone's league!
This guy talks so much.
That is unworthy of her
magnificence and brilliance!
Come on, come on. This
guy's got a hard-on for Kate.
Who holds a place
in all of our hearts.
And mine,
especially more than anyone.
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
[DEWEY GROANS]
And do you,
Kate.
Kate. Kate. Kate.
Whose name I will never
tire of hearing or saying.
Take Chaff?
Chaz. Who we all know
does not deserve to be
where he's standing today?
To be your lawfully,
wedded husband?
I do.
[DEWEY GROANS]
Okay, well...
Then with the power vested in me
from the nation
island of Sri Lanka,
I now pronounce you...
MILTON Whoa whoa whoa!
Sri Lanka?
This is not Sri Lanka.
You know this
is Pennsylvania, right?
Dewey, tell me this is legally
binding in the United States?
No?
This son of a dick.
Sri Lanka marriage laws
are way different
than Pennsylvania marriage laws.
Same as mattress removal laws.
Same as manslaughter laws.
Dewey, how could you?
I'm doing you a favor.
Now you have enough
time to realize
that he is not your soulmate!
Can I punch him now?
That means theres still time!
Suck it, Kate!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
KATE Scarlett!
Damn!
What do we do now?
What about the alcohol?
We can't drink
until they get married!
MARGARET Oh, Lord. Everyone, I'd
like to re-invite you back to the backyard.
Dude, you screwed us
out of a house!
Is that all you care about?
The house?
What about marrying me?
Of course, baby,
that's number one
but the house is a bonus!
[KATE WAILS]
Babe, come on
don't storm off into the house
that I don't care about!
Chaff, Chaff, don't follow her.
You give her some space,
and I'll make sure she's okay.
No, you stay here, man.
You've done too much.
What about the alcohol?
We can't drink
until they get married!
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC STARTS] [YEAH ILL
MAKE YOU MOVE LIKE YOUR BOOTS ARE ON FIRE]
[ILL MAKE YOU JUMP LIKE
YOU TOUCHED A LIVE WIRE]
[HEY NO SITTING DOWN
WHEN I GET IN THE ZONE]
[JUST GIVE ME MY CROWN
LET THE KING TAKE CONTROL]
[WHOA, YEAH]
[I LIKE TO GROOVE IHE LIKES TO GROOVE IT]
[WHOA, YEAH]
[YOURE GONNA MOVE IYOURE GONNA MOVE IT]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[CELLPHONES BUZZ]
Oh my gosh,
that was a close one!
But we totally got an
advantage now!
Totally!
MARIA I asked around.
I found someone who's ordained.
Consider it another favor.
Really? Who?
[HANDCUFFS CLINK]
Oh, yeah. I have officiated for a
lot of people, including for myself.
You can do that? You can
marry anything in Pennsylvania.
Well, almost anything.
Seriously?
I divorced myself, too.
Marriage is really hard.
I hope you two are ready
for the challenges.
[STRIPPER LAUGHS]
[HAYLEY MOCK LAUGHS]
Challenges? What? Like putting
together a wedding in 20 minutes?
We more than got this,
right, Milton?
Milton?
MAN (OFFSCREEN) Scarlett!
Scarlett, you gotta help us
with this bouncer.
Yeah. This guy won't let us
into your crappy wedding.
Just go under the rope.
We tried that, but look.
Don't touch the rope!
See? He's really intimidating!
Let them do what they want.
Who even are you?
I'm a cousin of the bride.
I'm a bride,
you're not a cousin.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm a cousin of a cousin.
No you're not.
Tell him, Scarlett!
Come on, everyone.
Let's bum rush this bum!
Hey!
One...
No!
Two...
Three! [LOUD
CLATTERS] My clipboard!
CHAZ No no no!
You can't pass the velvet rope!
Is nothing sacred anymore?
Cousin!
What the heck...?
It was the little one,
she's so squirrely!
What!?
[MAN SCREAMING]
[GAMMY AG] Here you are. Seconds
away from the biggest moment of your life.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yeah. You two must
be so so so in love
to get married this fast.
What if marriage
is more than a transaction?
What happens
if I actually love Milton?
How do you define love anyway?
If you want my
definition of love,
it's taking your livestock
to see one last sunset
before slaughter.
Or it's whenever you die
and you go on
and haunt your lover
while they're making pottery
Specific. Or its whenever you
sell your voice to an evil sea witch
so you can get some
time on land for a hunky sailor.
Okay.
Okay, round two.
Let's do it!
[KARLENE]
Yee-haw!
[SOFT COUGHING]
When I first met
Milton and Scarlett,
I was dancing.
I watched her love blossom
these last few hours,
and I'm still dancing.
Show, don't tell!
Now I dance, not for myself,
but for their love.
You know,
we don't really need a speech
about dancing if you
just wanna...
Okay. Do you, Scarlett, take
Milton to be your husband?
I do.
And do you, Milton,
take Scarlett
to be your waifu?
Waifu!
What?
Nice man!
So that's an anime thing.
I'll tell you about it later.
Perfect.
I do.
Badass.
Then unless anyone
objects this union,
by the power vested in me
by the State of Pennsylvania.
I now pronounce you...
Wait!
I... I don't think I can do this.
No.
What do you mean?
First wedding I've officiated
where the wife objects.
Called it!
I called it.
I...
I wish that my sister was here.
You mean the sister
whose wedding you ruined?
Yes, Hayley. That sister.
I guess I just need more time.
I'm so sorry, Milton.
Wait. Scarlett, wait!
Scarlett!
I didn't expect this.
Is anyone getting married today?
I told you.
This is what she does.
Even when they say they do
they don't!
[PAPER TEARS]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
It's me, Dewey!
Everything is going
to plan perfectly!
My dreams are
finally coming true!
This is the best entry
I have ever written!
[DEWEY SQUEALS
WITH JOY]
But alas!
Kate!
Why are you not answering
my cries?
[MUFFLED WAILING]
I love you.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Why are you still so foolishly
in love with that
indefensible Chaff!?
Wait, that's not Chaff.
Can we switch over to...
No, that's not Chaff, either!
[SCARLETT GRUNTS]
Yes!
Oh, thou sneaky
devourer of care.
Truly Ive proved that
I'm the loyal
lettuce-licker she deserves.
[EVIL LAUGH]
Can you believe that
two weddings broke up today?
That happens to half of
the weddings I ordain.
Where do you live?
Everywhere and anywhere.
I'm like a stripper in the wind.
[WIND WHISTLING]
I mean, you have
the body for it.
And the moves.
And the mind.
[SOFT GIGGLES]
Sorry that you couldn't be
my best man today, Gammy Ag.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not with that attitude.
Did she say she loves you?
Yeah.
And did you tell her?
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
MILTON
Can I see that microphone?
No man, Im working here.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
I need to see the microphone!
Thanks a lot, y'all,
for helping me get Milton back.
Yeah. Gotta settle
the score, Cuz.
[POPCORN CRUNCHING]
Hey its my wedding man!
I can do any
public announcement I want!
[NERVOUS MOAN]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
Since I have
everybody's attention
There's an announcement
I'd like to make.
[SNAP OF BALLOON TIE]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Chaz.
Chaz, what are you doing?
Yo, you ruined my
wife's wedding.
Now I'm going to ruin yours.
[CROWD GASPS]
Dude! Kate doesn't deserve
what happened to her today.
I know she's a lot sometimes.
I know she talks
when the game is on.
Talks more when it goes off.
Always stealing the covers
from me in the winter.
Cuddling super hard
with me in the summer.
I get it. I know she's a lot.
I know she's a handful,
but she's my handful, all right?
Now your wife's going to pay.
Chill!
[INTENSE VIOLIN MUSIC BUILDS]
[SCARLETT, YELLING]
Chaz, that's not me!
[SLOW MOTION WHOOSH]
[MILTON, YELLING]
OHH!
[WATER BALLOON
SPLATTERS]
[CROWD GASPS
AND GROANS]
[DRAMATIC
VIOLIN MUSIC]
Oh shit.
[CROWD REACTS]
HAYLEY Was that maple syrup?
[FOOTSTEPS
RUNNING AWAY]
Oh, Kate.
Number two:
Protect the Dress
Oh my God!
Baby, what happened?
Who did this?
That's not important, babe.
Who brings maple syrup
to a wedding?
DEWEY Chaff!
Again, not important.
Why are you eating their food?
I just wanted
roasted vegetables.
Babe, these are
meat-based vegetables.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, this day
cant get any worse.
Chaz, tell me now.
Who did this?
Calm down babe.
Who?
DEWEY Him!
Come on, you cowards!
Was it you, Maria?
DEWEY Him!
You're all wussies.
I can see it on your faces.
You know who did this
now tell me who!
DEWEY Chaff!
DEWEY The groom did it!
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Chaz?
DEWEY Yes!
Yeah babe.
This was you?
It was babe,
but I was doing this for you.
I was aiming for
Scarlett's head.
You would just so happen
to be in a wedding dress.
I can't do this anymore.
This day has been a disaster
with your stupid competition
and your stupid house.
I'm done.
Everyone else can get us married
as they want.
I'm done.
[DEWEY, LAUGHING]
Yeah!
Hey Scarlett,
can we talk?
Yes, but I really have to go
take care of that
human McGriddle first.
Yeah.
Now I want pancakes.
Meat-based pancakes!
Yeah, greatest idea ever!
[BOTH]
Yum yum yum!
Oh my God, Kate,
I'm so sorry.
I did not mean for
things to go that far.
You weren't even supposed to
have things today to begin with.
Why can't you do anything right?
Why do you have to be
such a dick about everything?
This is your wedding day.
It should be about love and you've
been so spiteful about every little detail.
Because I'm scared.
I did everything in my power
to make sure it was perfect
and beautiful and romantic.
And I still got smashed
with a maple syrup balloon.
Yeah, it's pretty epic.
Of course you would say that.
You know, you made plenty of
my days growing up pretty rough.
And it's not like you
ever apologized.
I'm sorry. Congratulations.
You got back at me for trying
to make you a better person.
You weren't trying to make me
a better person.
You were trying
to make me a different person.
I am not like you.
Whatever, Scarlett, okay?
You win.
You made the most
important day of my life
about you.
Now, please, just take the hint
and leave me alone.
Kate!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
Make up. MILTON If you weren't being
such a selfish asshole, [AUDIENCE GASPS]
we wouldn't
be in this situation.
Dude, if I didn't treat you
like an asshole,
you'd still be breastfeeding
until this day.
[AUDIENCE REACTS]
The two of you, shut
your adorable mouths!
I'll shut my mouth when he's off
my future property.
For what it's worth,
Chaz took longer
to wean off the nip.
But Milton took longer to
potty train.
And today
your both being babies.
You're being a big baby today.
You're a bigger baby.
Both of you!
Listen to me right now!
You go inside the house,
and you don't come out
until you've made up.
Do you understand me?
But Mom!
No!
You both disappointed me today.
You go inside and
you talk it out.
Do you understand?
Yes, Mom. I'm the
favorite. Dont forget that.
Go inside!
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Just make up already.
[SCRUBBING SOUNDS]
You can barely bathe yourself
and you're going to wash
a wedding dress?
I lived at a campsite once
with a bunch of river birches,
and I was constantly
covered in sap,
so I picked up a few tricks.
See?
KATE Wow, it's coming out.
Man, we really messed up
with our fiances.
Yeah, it's mostly my fault, too.
Man, I should've
just let you have the house.
Nah, I mean, dude,
it was a bad deal.
We shouldn't have been
fighting over our house.
I'm glad you stood up
for yourself.
Is that really how
you wanted to get married?
Last minute and
covered in toilet paper?
I don't know.
Its always something I thought
Mom would take the lead on.
Yeah. Me too.
You didn't seem to care
about her being around today.
Scarlett.
Of course I cared.
I wanted her here today
more than anything.
That's why I insisted on there
being button chrysanthemums.
Those were her favorite!
Yeah. I just wanted a little
piece of mom around, you know?
So is that why
you're such an asshole to me?
Tough love?
No.
I'm just annoying and
I love annoying you.
[CHAZ GIGGLES]
And you make this face.
There you go, right there.
Like this.
This is the face.
That's the face.
I wanted you there so bad.
[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]
And I will be.
When the time is right.
Family is the
most important thing
[SCARLETT GIGGLES]
[DEEP BASS RUMBLES]
Leave the cordial liquor alone!
Then give me the rude liquor!
No one gets a drink
until someone gets hitched!
[CROWD CHANTS]
Booze or death! Booze or death!
Booze or death!
Kate, there you go.
What a disaster.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
Look, I know that this backyard
wedding took us for a spin.
But can we try again?
What if this was all just
a bad omen for our marriage?
Like I said when I proposed,
Every day with you has been
the single best day of my life
Including today.
You are my good
O-woman
No.
No puns, no dancing.
I do not like it.
You're going to like this.
Kate Fisher,
Will you marry me again?
Finally?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[HAPPY SIGHS]
After today,
we can face any disaster.
[HOSE SPRAYS]
[YELLING]
[CROWD CHANTING]
Give us booze! Give us booze!
All right, stop!
[DJ, OVER PA]
Ladies, Im here!
I can protect the fort, too!
Isnt your name
DJ Drinks-A Lot?
Yeah that was just the name
my grandma gave me.
People like to hire DJs
that drink a lot.
I don't know why.
Ive been clean for 5 years.
Oh wow, good for you!
Thank you.
Give us booze! [DJ,
OVER PA] Listen everybody!
Now listen.
I was in AA for many years.
I worked for AAA.
Thank you for your service.
But! You do not need alcohol
to enjoy a lovely wedding.
MCMOODLE
True, Preach! Preach!
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
I will say
it certainly does help
with awkward conversations,
social anxiety,
or with family members
you only see once a year.
Speak for yourself, McMoodle.
Give us booze! Give us booze!
Its over.
You're on your own.
Pew pew pew pew!
So you actually love
that weirdo?
Yeah. He's my kind of weird.
And being with him kind of
makes me want to get weirder.
Seeing you two together
you are the perfect weird.
I gotta go apologize to him.
Wait, what is
your favorite color?
Orange.
That's way worse than turquoise.
Their chants are
getting progressively worse!
All I want is a screwdriver!
Is that so hard?
I have a screwdriver.
I was building a birdhouse.
I'm going to take care
of all of you, just
No one can argue with the
mother of the groom today.
Margaret.
Yes?
I love you. But we
are all about to kill you!
Hey! No one argues with
the mother of the grooms!
Yes, what she said.
[CROWD CHANTING]
Booze or death! Booze or death!
SCARLETT Hi.
So Im sorry about the whole
running away
from the altar thing.
I'd rather you be honest
and do something you regret.
No, I wasn't... I didn't...
I still want to make this work.
I'm in, if you're in?
And I get it.
And so I'm going to go die.
I'm in.
Seashells.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
That's perfect.
Thor? Because
you're my Thor-ever?
Nerds!
Well work on it. Almost there.
So I decided because I'm
so kind and generous.
And I make more than
both of you combined.
You should have the house.
No, we're not going to
take it from you.
What? No.
Yall should have it.
No bro, yall should.
No, you should.
[CROWD, OFFSCREEN]
Give us booze! Give us booze!
Somebody should do something.
Booze or death!
I have an idea.
[HAYLEY, SINGING]
I got them ribs up on the racks.
[HENRY, SINGING]
Stacks and stacks of baby backs.
I smoke it slow
and smoke it through.
All I want is barbecue!
[GIGGLING]
Haley, it's go time!
Go find those
button chrysanthemums.
[HANDCUFFS UNLOCKING]
So now you need my help?
Your cousin, who has known
you since you were born
and on the most
important day of your life
you handcuff me to a stripper?
Seems like you had a
pretty good time.
I suddenly feel so naked.
Tell me about it.
[DOOR SQUEAKING] [MARGARET,
GASPING] Father OConner!
[TRANQUIL SPA MUSIC]
There you are!
We've been looking for
you all day!
Just a minute.
I'm almost done with
this deep clean.
Father, your skin does
look radiant.
Why thank you.
Although I don't know
if I can keep up
with this aggressive
skin regimen.
[SOFTLY]
Oh.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
Do you think it's cool we got
our grandmother as our best man?
Just another thing to
cross off the bucket list.
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
[DJ, YELLING]
Pew pew pew pew!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to ring those
wedding bells!
'Cause we got two weddings?
Oh, man.
This is sure to go well.
[DJ, SINGING]
Pew, pew pew-pew!
[TO WEDDING MARCH MELODY]
Pew, pew, pew-pew!
[DJ, YELLING] Everybody! [CROWD
JOINS IN] Pew, pew pew-pew, pew
I wish I told him
not to do that.
I kinda like it.
Wait, Scarlett.
[PEW PEWING CONTINUES
IN BACKGROUND]
[CROWD SINGING]
Pew pew, pew, pew-pew!
You may all be seated, please.
You two choose wisely.
[SNIFFLES]
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
for the holy matrimony of
Chaz Boadu and Kate Fisher.
[AUDIENCE SNIFFLES]
And the holy matrimony
of Milton Boadu
and Scarlett Fisher.
[DEWEY WAILS]
Now. Are you all
ready to say I do?
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do. Then by the power vested
in me by the State of Maryland
What? Maryland?
[CROWD MURMURS]
This isnt Maryland!
Just a little joke there, son.
[SCARLETT CHUCKLES]
Not funny.
Gimme that! By the power vested
in me by the State of Pennsylvania,
I now pronounce you
husbands and wives.
The husbands can now
kiss the brides.
Should we all kiss
at the same time?
How does this work?
You guys wanted to marry first.
Yeah, y'all should go first.
[KATE AND CHAZ]
Okay.
[GENTLE KISS]
[POLITE REACTIONS]
[TRIUMPHANWEDDING MUSIC]
Okay lets show them
how its done.
[LOUD SMOOCHING]
[CROWD WHISTLES AND CHEERS]
[FATHER OCONNER]
Okay.
[TRAP REMIX OF
WEDDING MARCH]
I'm so sorry I ruined today.
Who cares?
We're married!
Love you!
[TRAP MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CROWD PARTYING]
I can't believe it.
She actually went through
with marrying you.
Yeah.
But if she's happy,
I'm happy.
Look bro, I know what
you see in Kate.
You see the same thing
that I saw in her.
Let me tell you, man,
it's unhealthy
to pine for another man's wife.
Pine?
We're just work friends, bro.
Wanna dance?
Go dance.
Thanks, Chaz.
[MUSIC SURGES]
[OVER-THE-TOP GRUNTING]
[CLARA, IMPRESSED]
Ooh...
I hated you so much.
I hated you.
I hated you!
I hated all of you guys!
But now I don't hate you.
I just had to do a job.
All's well
that drinks well, girl.
[GLASS CLINKS]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
And they danced
through the night. Unfettered,
unburdened of any grudges
that plagued their love
for each other.
And I, Dewey,
though I lost a bride
have gained a bridesmaid.
Clara, with a C!
These next pages are for us,
my love.
Or maybe I should get
a new book.
[DEWEY GASPS]
With new stickers!
[SOFT MOANING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
[JOYFUL SQUEAL]
[PLASTIC CUP KICKS OVER]
Best day of my life.
To new family!
[SQUEALS OF JOY]
[SOFT PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]
Yo, this you?
[MAN PURRS]
[DJ, OVER PA]
You don't have to go home
but you cant stay here.
The cell phones!
Unless you're married.
You didn't
throw them in the lake.
Then I guess you live here.
Nah dude, these are expensive.
Well, you've really
outdone yourself.
Thank you.
Dont mention it.
Henry, Henry!
I'm so sorry. I totally forgot
I had to give you a ride.
Just give me, like, ten minutes
and I'll get you.
Hey, you remembered my name!
Its okay.
I can take him back.
Okay. Okay.
You do you, boo-boos.
This feels weird.
Yeah it does.
Wanna?
More than anything.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
[GIGGLES]
HENRY You're adorable.
HAYLEY You too!
This is a big house, so I'm sure
well all have plenty
of room to live in it.
I will be putting a limit
on animes
watched in the living room. Oh my God,
worry about anime arrangements later.
All right, so the kitchen
and the living room
will be our communal space.
Other than that,
well take this half of the house
and you guys can have that half.
That sounds totally fair
Sounds good.
[FOOTSTEPS ON
METAL STAIRS]
Well, now that
the house is settled
and you're all married,
there's something else I want
to show you from your dad.
SCARLETT Oh, buckle up.
Please. No.
Mom what are you doing?
[PROJECTION SCREEN
SLIDES DOWN]
There's something else
I want to show you on the DVD.
Mom...
[TENSE MUSIC]
STEVE Hello again.
Chaz or Milton
and spouse of Chaz or Milton.
Congrats. I have one
more thing to tell you about.
No pressure.
Chaz or Milton,
but as soon as you give
your mother a grandchild,
you can have the beach house.
I love that beach house.
If she loves that beach house,
I really love that beach house.
Well, good luck!
And I look forward to seeing
you all at a baby shower.
We got a head
start this morning.
Let's get you
that beach house, Seashells.
Oh my God, that's so perfect!
Let's get out of here
and show them how
getting pregnant is done.
SCARLETT I guess we can
start our honeymoon!
KATE Scarlett, you can't
steal my honeymoon, too!
SCARLETT Suck it!
MILTON
Can we do that thing again?
[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
SCARLETT I love you.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC
STARTS]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[THUNDERSTORM]
[PUPPY WHIMPERS]
Shhh!
[SOFT WHIMPER]
[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[FAIRY-TALE MUSIC]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Never was.
Never was there...
Never was there a tale
Never was there a tale of such
love and devotion.
Multiplied. Doublified.
Squared to the second power
and so on.
This is the tale of not one love
but two.
[SCORE PLAYS]
What qualities of the chivalrous
do we still possess?
I made a list
and you're about to hear it.
Kind, tall, well-groomed,
relentlessly sexual.
A steady income
from a steady job
and a steady relationship
with the most amazing homegrown
Pennsylvania gal to ever share
a work cubicle with me.
Unsuspecting.
Resourceful.
Three months vegan
just for the occasion.
Detail orientated
and punctual.
6:00. I haven't missed it.
Kate Fisher, you're the upper
management to my pitch deck.
The bottom line
to my actionable items.
Having you as a coworker
these last four years has been...
The most amazing
four years of my life.
And I would love...
STEVE No. No, she's not going
to say yes to a snoozer like that.
Spice it up or else we're
all going to die of boredom.
Oh my God, Dad, this whole thing
is her idea, all right?
Then what's the problem?
It's no problem. She just has this
thing where practice makes proposal.
I read that in a
magazine somewhere
Sweetheart.
First of all, she's got us
eating these hipster biscuits
Okay so this is a coaster.
Are you sure she's the one?
She's... She's really sweet
when you get to know her.
If Chaz doesn't propose
exactly the way I told him to,
Im going to scoop his jelly
out with a grapefruit spoon.
She's a bad egg.
Shut up!
Milton!
Milton. Take a lap.
That a boy.
Go to the car.
Find me a bag of pocket meat.
Pocket meat?
Steve! I'm going to need it if
I'm going to survive this dinner.
This is a vegan restaurant,
here, eat this.
I don't want that.
It's going to be fine.
You're going to say yes. I'm going to
throw you a bitch in bachelorette party
Let's go in. I am starving.
Ladies,
I got another ride to pick up.
Fine. Don't forget to film it.
Yeah. We're going.
If you mess up recording this,
I swear I'm
going to throw your R.V.
off a cliff with you
inside of it.
Shoot.
What's wrong? Its stuck
on resting bitch face filter.
Oh, wait.
That's just you!
MILTON Pocket meat. KATE: Smart
phones shouldn't be smarter than you.
SCARLETT Yes, they should.
You okay over there?
This is my Dads meat.
Meat? Cute.
Milton! Get inside. I don't want
you walking in and ruining this.
Yes, ma'am. [DEWEY,
VOICE OVER] Kate, I will show
you that love is not dead.
Just misplaced
with the wrong man
at the wrong vegan restaurant.
Thank you. Good Job.
Excuse me, herbivore.
Could you heat this up in the
microwave, please? Thank you.
We don't have a microwave.
There is always a microwave.
Two minutes should be fine.
[DEWEY, VOICE-OVER]
My redheaded firecracker
approaches with her
simple-witted sister.
KATE: Its only the most
important video of my life.
Get my face!
SCARLETT Everyone gets married
it's not that special.
SCARLETT Hug!
[ADORING MURMURS]
Oh, sorry.
Blocking the parents.
Mmm
Is this lettuce wrapped lettuce?
It's aged romaine
in our signature endive.
Pbbtt!
Who's that?
I like her.
SCARLETT Ooh, champagne!
Kate
You are the reason why
I wake up every morning.
Because she probably wouldn't
let him sleep in.
Chaz, you are my everything.
SCARLETT She's already usurping.
MILTON Usurp, nice word.
Thanks, it was my smartphone
word of the day.
Go on Chazzy.
Every day with you is
the single best day of my life.
That doesn't make sense.
Dude, please!
Scarlett! Why can't you just
shut up for, like, five seconds?
You cant do anything right. You can't take
one simple direction. Just stand there.
You two are perfect
for each other.
Go ahead, son.
There's always a microwave.
There's always a microwave.
Ooh.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay.
[TENSE MUSIC]
It doesn't fit.
It has to fit.
It doesn't fit.
It fits, it has to.
Coming in for a close up! KATE:
We had it fitted and everything!
They say the camera adds pounds!
Give me a big smile.
I'll show you a pound!
[PUNCH LANDS]
[CROWD GASPS]
[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[POP]
[CROWD GASPS]
[THUD]
[MARGARET SOBBING]
KATE My proposal!
MARGARET No, Steve, no!
KATE: You stopped
recording!
SCARLETT To call 911!
Steve!
[SIBLINGS ARGUING]
[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
MARGARET (OFFSCREEN) No, No!
WAITER (OFFSCREEN)
Theres always a microwave.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[LAUGHING]
At least I got my pocket meat.
[UPBEAT SONG CONTINUES]
["CHASING LOVE CAN
DRIVE YOU MAD"]
["MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD
MAKE YOU FEEL SO SAD"]
["OH, CHASING LOVE"]
["OH, CHASING LOVE"]
Hey.
Hey.
So last night
I guess that's why they don't
throw the bachelorette party
the night before
the actual wedding.
Yeah, ending up
here was an interesting choice.
I don't actually remember
how that happened.
Do you remember?
[SMACK]
Yep.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, God.
It's going to be a long day.
Do you want me to get you
anything? Water? Aspirin?
No, I should get going. I don't
want to confuse the wedding guests
on who's getting married
and who's had their first one
night stand.
Yeah. See you at the altar.
Bye, Milton.
Im not a virgin.
Suck it, Chaz.
[CLAPPING]
It's about time.
Oh, did you just muffin-bust
my brother?
Wait, you're saying
he's a virgin?
Yes.
No, there's no way.
I mean, other than that hand
of his, he's full on virgin.
No. He did this thing
with his hand.
No, no, no, I don't want to know
what he did with anything.
And you know what?
Neither should your sister.
KATE (OFFSCREEN) No, no, no!
[KATE SLAMS DOOR]
Good luck with that one.
Thanks. You should go
through the back door though.
Yep.
Where is...
Down that way.
Okay.
Don't look at me like that.
There needs to be button
chrysanthemums.
[CLATTER] Hey, is this the
back door? I'm a little lost.
Ew, did you sleep on the floor
last night?
Dog bed, actually.
Its a step up from the mattress
in your trailer.
It was. Very roomy. Ten
out of ten.
You're disgusting.
I'll call the
florist right now, Cuz.
[SWISHES AND SPITS]
Hillbilly toothpaste.
No drinking
until after the wedding.
I don't want anyone drunk
when I walk down the aisle.
You're saying this whole day
I have to be sober?
What is that? I can't tell if it's your
usual B.O. or something stickier.
This is a beautiful place
to have a wedding. Honestly.
Good choice.
Deflecting.
But yes, it is gorgeous.
And it's going to be perfect.
And it's going to be
the happiest day of my life.
Those inside until
the arbor is up!
Okay. Oh, no. You're not actually
going through with that, are you?
Unplugged weddings are totally
in right now. I've been to plenty
of weddings that go unplugged.
Maybe Chaz will find a way
to get your asshole unplugged.
We tried that once. Never again.
Word. So, Kate, just in
case the florist ghosts you
what if we use some greenery
to fill out the table settings?
There needs to be
button chrysanthemums.
Button chrysanthemums
are the most important thing!
I would think family
is the most important thing.
Yes, Dad. Family is the most
important thing.
That's my girl. And then
my button chrysanthemums.
And then my button
chrysanthemums.
Don't start with me.
Scarlett, this is Kate's day.
Just do what she says on her
day. Please.
So Bro, Kate can't know
that I seduced her sister.
Seduced?
Oh, dude. That's hilarious.
That's funny.
Pretend I'm this sweet, savory
maple syrup.
Scarlett,
is this little piece of pancake,
[SYRUP SQUELCHES]
and I just smother...
Her like that.
Dude that's disgusting.
I think she liked it.
I highly doubt it.
Bow chick a wow wow
Well look at this sight my two
boys having their last breakfast
before one of them
becomes a married man.
Oh, Chazzy,
this is going to be one of the
most important days of your life.
Yeah, because it's all downhill
from here.
At least for Kate.
No that aint...
Dick.
No fighting today.
This is an important day
for everyone.
Don't ruin it with your sibling
squabbling.
I won't.
I won't more.
Okay. Before the guests arrive,
I have something to show you.
Something from your father.
Something from Dad?
[ANGELIC CHORD]
All right, here we go.
Game time, baby.
He made this
a couple of years ago,
right after his first
heart attack.
We always wanted to do something
really nice for you boys.
Well, Ill let
your father explain.
[BEEP]
My boys.
Dad.
Love you. Miss you.
Heavens great.
Tom Petty invited me
to go free fall in.
No, seriously,
if you're seeing this,
one of you is getting married.
Congratulations, Chaz or Milton.
Thanks, Dad.
Suck it, Milton.
To build the life
of your financial dreams
your mother and I have agreed
that the first of you
to get married
we would help you out
as much as we can.
So we are gifting you Chaz
or Milton, your childhood home,
to help you and your partner
build your new life together.
No, no.
And a basic court
marriage won't do.
You need to have a ceremony
for your mother.
Now, party hard like I did.
My favorite boy, Chaz
or Milton. Enjoy your new house.
And now back to heaven.
Congratulations, Chaz.
I got the best mom and dead Dad
in the entire world.
He gets the house? Oh, come on,
Milton, be supportive of your brother.
Just because
he's getting married?
I live here.
I've always lived here.
About that...
time to pack up player.
What about you? What about you?
You live here too?
Oh, actually, I'm
moving with your aunt
to Gulf Shores Condos
in Florida.
It has a lazy river!
A lazy river?
What is happening?
Mom, that room will always
be available for you
when you're here.
Thanks, Chazzy.
You're welcome. As for you, I'm
turning your room into my drumset room.
You don't even play the drums.
Now I have a room to learn.
I hope someone bought
it from the registry.
[SCREAMING]
What fun.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
My heart swells
as I pen these words
from the early morning hours,
anticipation has coursed
through my veins,
intermingling with
the scent of...
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
Accidental carpool.
Excuse me, sir. Are you on the
groom's side or the brides side?
I'm on Kates side.
Who will grace me with her
presence
clad in a gown that is
will surely rival
the beauty of heaven.
Oh, you too, huh?
Kissing cousins?
Except I'm grooms side.
You get them anything good?
I have a few surprises.
Hey, you guys forgot your
giant gift.
Score.
[MILTON, YELLING]
Who is Tom Petty?
Whoa, you look sadder than when
Atreyu lost Artax
in the Swamp of Sadness.
Yeah.
I thought you'd like that one.
You're the only person who even
understood what I just said.
My mom and dad are giving Chaz
the house as a wedding gift.
I have nowhere to live.
That sucks.
I'd offer you a spot
in my trailer, but
you aren't gonna wanna do that.
Why does it have to be about
who's getting married first?
There's nothing
I can do about that.
Well, if that's the case, you technically
could still get married before Kate and Chaz.
No one would marry me, though.
I might.
Yeah, right.
I mean, why not? You're fun.
Cute.
Most importantly, you have
a house with air conditioning.
But you're not into it,
so I'm just going to go die.
Oh, no. No, wait.
Are you seriously serious?
Serious.
I mean, not about the dying,
but, you're nerd rock cute
And my favorite album
is Pinkerton.
Good, cause obviously
it's the best Weezer album.
On loop for years!
Wait, you actually
will marry me?
I mean, what is marriage
besides two people
working on a mutual goal?
And our mutual goal is that
we don't want to be homeless.
Chaz and Kate
could totally understand.
Well...
Ugh!
Do you need some help, gorgeous?
Oh, thank you, Dewey.
Oh, why is everyone so early?
I gotta get on my dress.
Can't wait to see you in it!
This would be such
a perfect wedding
for us.
Argh!
I would totally do it,
but probably shouldn't
ruin my sister's wedding day.
Meet me at the bar
when this is all over?
[ANGELIC CHORD]
Oh!
So close.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
Today's the big day.
The big day to
sabotage a wedding!
Kates wedding
will be in shambles.
And I'll be the one
to pick up the pieces,
proving that I'm much
more than a work husband.
I knew it at the company
Christmas party,
and I know it now.
Chaff, your reckoning
has finally come.
Chaff's reckoning!
[CLATTER]
Oh my God, Kate, I am so jelly.
This is going to be
your new house!
I would die to have this house.
I kill my own mother
for this house.
Kill her good.
What is this?
If you don't like it, you
should have come to the fitting.
Kate, I did your engagement
party,
your bachelorette party, I
hand wrote all of your invitations.
I couldn't come to one fitting,
and this is what you
picked out for me?
Polyester in August!?
I got everyone
their favorite color.
Pink.
Pink.
Pink.
Okay, well, this hasn't been my
favorite color since I was seven.
Well, that was the last time
I asked you.
You thought you were a mermaid
and insisted
everyone call
you Seashells all summer.
You look super cute.
For a mermaid.
[MEAN LAUGHTER]
Hey, what time did you get back
from taking the stripper
home last night?
Oh my God, the stripper.
I totally forgot,
he's still in my RV.
What?
He's been in there all night.
Don't you sleep in the RV?
You slept with the stripper?
No, I didn't sleep...
I didn't sleep in my
RV last night.
Scarlett, if he's still
in your RV,
then we are still being charged
by the hour for him.
Okay. I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
No, the accident was thinking
you could be responsible.
[MEAN LAUGHTER]
Male stripper?
Male stripper?
Oh, Maid of Honor!
You ready for another lap dance?
Oh, no. No.
Male stripper. Down, down.
My name is Henry.
And no lap dance? Oh, I'm so
sorry I forgot you in here last night.
I got you some food
and some water,
and I'll just be right back.
[SEXY MUSIC]
No male stripper. No, no, no.
Quit dancing.
I'm still on the cock clock,
And when I'm on the cock clock
I give the good stuff.
You're so dedicated,
I'm just going to ask you to
wait right here.
I'm just going to find my phone
and Ill come right...
I cant come with you?
No, no.
Why? Someone has
to want a lap dance.
Hmm...
I cant think of anybody
Just wait right here.
Oh, God.
Arnold?
Bernadette?
Yeah!
[LADIES CHEER]
Cant wait for this wedding.
This is going to be epic.
So, how do you two know
the bride?
Oh, we don't know the bride,
were the groom's maids.
Groom's maids?
Yeah, we're Chaz's cousins.
Kissing cousins.
Ew.
No, we're his ride or dies.
Wed go to the end of this flat
earth for him.
Literally take a bullet for him.
Or, at least a shot.
[LAUGHTER] Sounds like you two and
Chaz have quite the unbreakable bond.
Oh, yeah. I can't wait
to get there and start drinking.
Don't even pour it in a glass,
bottle to face.
I heard it was a dry wedding.
No shots until
the knot is locked.
Oh hell no.
Screw Chaz.
Chaz is dead to us.
Turn this car around,
were going home.
I'm entering the highway.
Turn this car around.
Did you take care of the male
stripper?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Wait I thought you were wearing
Mom's dress?
We even cut the puffy
sleeves off.
I thought about it,
but it just wasn't me.
You know, all the sparkles.
I wanted something romantic,
not gaudy.
Don't you care about
Mom's energy
being a part of any of this?
Mom's energy?
Mom is dead, Scarlett.
Geez. Look if you get
married, you'll understand.
Not that I'm holding my breath
on that one.
I could get married.
Who would want to marry a chick who lives
in an RV and showers once a year, maybe?
[BOTTLE SPRITZES]
I can think of someone.
I have squatter's rights.
Ew, dude, the last thing
I want to think about
is you squatting on anything
or anyone for that matter.
You think she regrets adding you
to her hookup list?
She actually told me she never
had a one night stand before.
I'm pretty sure she was
talking about bedroom furniture.
Oh my God. No you didn't.
I might have.
I honestly can't think of
what's more pathetic
him sleeping with you or you
sleeping with a loser like him.
He's not a loser.
He's eccentric and adorable.
He still lives at home,
and he wears t shirts
with cartoons on them.
Those are anime. Oh my God
she knows the name of the show!
Dude, as
soon as I sanitize this place
I got some ideas for it.
Right here, for instance,
this is where I put my drum set.
That's where I podcast.
Right here is where
I put my lacrosse trophies.
What about my
participation awards?
Right over there,
That's where I put
the punching bag.
I can still be your punching
bag, man.
Just let me stay.
Okay.
Really?
No.
Hell no.
I can't wait
to redecorate his room.
I'm going to turn it
into a meditation space.
Unless it's my house first.
What?
[SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]
You're just pissy
because Im the favorite!
You're not the favorite, you're
just getting married first!
It's not that hard to do!
Oh yeah?
Then you do it.
Maybe I will.
What? Where are you going?
To be an every night stand.
Huh?
I want to marry you, Scarlett.
I want to marry you, Milton.
And we both want the house.
Desperately. And I don't care
how many guys you slept with.
Okay. Give me a chance
to make you happy.
I think if it's for you,
I can do anything.
Of course.
And, just promise me
that when I screw up,
and I probably will,
that you'll just have
patience with me?
Deal.
Deal.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
["AVE MARIA" PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
What's that?
Oh, it's my Bible.
Ten Ways to Be the Best
Mother of the Groom
It's my perfect day checklist.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[REPEATED DOORBELL RINGING]
Father, you're early.
God didn't want me to be late
and I am but his humble servant.
Well come inside in the
air conditioning.
Thank you.
Make yourself at home.
I will, thank you. Could you be so
kind as to direct me to the restroom?
There's a bit of a
situation in Sodom
if you know what I mean.
Yes, the last door on the left.
Bless you child.
Father! Hey!
Actually, she didn't
mean this one
she meant the bathroom
in the West Wing.
This one smells like dookie.
I have to dookie, myself.
Thank you so much, son. Perfect. You'll
have your own private bathroom over here.
Heaven's gates are
about to be breached.
That's disgusting.
And here we are, Father.
Your own personal bathroom.
Thank you, my son.
I shant baptize this
toilet soon enough,
if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah.
[DOORKNOB BREAKS]
Sucker!
[DEWEY, NARRATING] I am
captivated by every single
aspect of Kate's existence,
from the way she delicately
brushes a strand of red hair
behind her ear
to the melodic sounds of her
[LAUGHING]
laughter.
She enchants me entirely.
So what are we going to do
about the rings?
I have a cousin
that'll tattoo them.
And what about the music?
I have a cousin whos a DJ.
And what about the food?
I have a cousin who caters.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC STARTS]
But the most important thing
is that we get hitched
before their wedding at 5:00.
I've always been a fan of 4:20
Me, too.
[HARSH WEDDING BELL RINGS]
We'll get married at 4:20,
we have a quick ceremony
in the backyard,
have a bite of cake,
then scuffle back to
the other party
so we're not total dicks.
I'm going to figure out invitations so people
know to come to the backyard wedding first.
Hey, Grandma Agnes...
How would you like to come
to an even better wedding
than this one?
That's why I'm here,
for a wedding.
But for my other grandson,
not you.
Oh, no no no.
I'm getting married too.
You're getting married?
I thought you were smart enough
to realize love
is a complete sham.
Would you be interested in being
the best man in my wedding?
Yeah, but this is
a wedding out of spite.
Oh, is it now?
How lovely.
I've never been to a
spite wedding before.
This I gotta see.
How does it look out there? More
spectacular than you could ever imagine?
Well...
What's that?
I don't think
you want to see these.
What the hell?
Where's Chaz?
He needs to see this.
Isn't it bad luck
for you to see...
I don't give a...
Spit everywhere is one thing.
Just what do you think you're
trying to pull
on my wedding day? You cannot get
married before me just to get the house.
Ok Kate, hi! I was wondering if
you could be my Maid of Honor,
then you could do
all the menial slave labor
that comes
with being a bridesmaid?
Don't worry,
I already have a stripper.
This is my house, Chaz.
You moved out 12 years ago.
Scarlett, do you know that
he has a blow up doll
in his closet?
Are you mad?
This is all about the house? Kate, as much
money as you brag about having all the time
I'm sure you'll be just fine.
I have no liquid!
Everything's tied up in crypto.
I told you that, Scarlett!
I'm sure you would have found
some other reason to say
your wedding was a disaster,
like the flowers, the sun,
whatever an arbor is.
I am trying to throw a champagne
wedding on a beer budget.
Yes, and I'm sure you
will still have
your picture perfect
pink wedding,
just not the house.
[SCREAMING]
Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?
Keep calm. Rule #1 in my
magazine is keep a calm, cool tone
What do you think you're
trying to pull here, young man?
You and Dad were the ones
who made this challenge
so I'm just rising up
to the occasion.
Wait, you're telling me that I have two
weddings to be best mother of the groom at?
Yes. Are you mad?
For the love of Saint Joseph!
No, I'm not mad.
This
its a blessed miracle!
Dad! Tell Scarlett
she can't do this to me.
Scarlett, you can't do this.
It's not up to you. Mom, are you
really okay with this happening?
This is the happiest
day of my life. Twice.
Both my sons are getting
married today!
Kate, this is
just like your prom.
Okay. Even though
we had to use your limo
to pick Scarlett up
from jail on the way,
it's still a
special night, right?
No!
[SCREAMING]
[PAPER TEARING]
Sticky.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
There's been an unforeseen
development
with a rival wedding!
What luck!
Oh, what great fortune
I've been bestowed.
Kate's wails will merely deepen
my desire to dedicate my
every breath to her happiness.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Damn this robe.
Always in the way of my ab.
All right.
Christ on a cracker jacker!
Damn unplugged weddings.
Ive seen Kate use her phone
a million times in church.
But when it comes to my turn...
[CLATTER]
KATE (OFFSCREEN)
People are arriving!
CHAZ (OFFSCREEN)
Kate, Kate! Listen...
You're not listening to me!
Slow down.
Look. Smell this.
Your lavender.
You love it.
All right.
Look,
I know us being
sabotaged by our siblings
on the most important
day of our lives
is not what we expected.
But the most important thing
is that we're together.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
You're right.
A perfect wedding was just
the vegan icing on the cake.
You're my real dessert.
Sure. But we need to do is move
our wedding up by five minutes.
Yes!
We'll just get married at 4:15
Shouldn't be a problem.
We have to make sure no one goes
to the backyard though.
All right, we got this.
Excuse me,
Ladies and gentlemen, our wedding
has now been moved up by 45 minutes.
The new time is 4:15
Not unless you
find the priest...
Does that mean the open
bar is going to be opening soon?
Yes. As soon as I'm married.
I put my good lashes on
so I could drink my face off.
Yes!
Yeah!
There's always one.
There's always one.
There's always one. Do you
smell that? It's not my lavender.
Smells like victory!
No, seriously.
Do you smell that?
It smells like... [GRILL
HISSING] Cow Killers Barbecue!
We grill, you chew!
That's what we do!
KARLENE Woo-hoo!
Cousin Karlene, you made it!
Yeah and its a lucky thing too,
because it seems like
my invitation to
Kates wedding got lost?
I just didn't think you would
want to come to a vegan wedding.
Yeah, I'll go anywhere.
I can always bring
my pocket meat.
Hey, tell me more about this
pocket meat.
Cow Killers is locally sourced
Farm to table, table to mouth,
mouth to stomach.
That's right, Aunt B.
And I feel like that's why these steaks
are so darn juicy! [MEAT SIZZLES]
'Cause my cows,
They live the life!
And then same day slaughter.
Oh my God, I'm gonna cry.
That is horribly
fresh. So these little
cowies just died today?
That's spot on. Except I
wouldn't call my heifers little at all.
You gotta see these bad boys,
they are bigger than a house!
I feed them so good!
Kate! Kate!
Karlene, you got any
meat-based vegetables?
You gotta try my meat-based
portobello mushroom.
Put it aside for me, please.
You got it.
Kate!
So good.
So fresh!
It's like it's alive.
Moo!
Cow Killers!
Locally sourced,
farm to table, table to mouth,
mouth to stomach.
[LOUD MOO]
Kate listen!
The wedding is going to be vegan
Just the way you- we-wanted it.
The whole outside
smells like rotting flesh!
Well, not rotting, more like
grilled... sauted
disgusting, disgusting meat.
Listen, it'll be gone
before you know it, okay?
Okay.
Thanks, babe.
You always know how
to reassure me.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[DJ, OVER PA] Pew pew pew pew!
Its Scarletts favorite cousin!
DJ Drinks-A lot!
The backyard wedding
will now be at 4:07
Pew pew pew pew!
We are not losing this house.
We are moving our
wedding up to 3:59
Find the damn priest.
Where is that dude?
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Hello!?
Darn window's locked!
I've been trapped in this
bathroom for over half an hour!
I'm starting to use things
I found in the cabinets!
Ooh. Apple caramel
hand moisturizer.
Soothes and hydrates.
[BOTTLE SQUELCHES]
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
You are a man of faith.
All up in someone
else's moisturizer.
Shame sprinkles!
No, you know the rules.
Not until Kate and Chaz
say I do
In the meantime,
why did you give me
an arrival shot?
They took my phone
and I'm bored out of my mind.
No, not until someone crosses
that bridge into holy matrimony.
Blah blah blah.
Hurry up and have the whiskey
cross the bridge into my liver.
[SPRAY BOTTLE HISSES]
Who invited you?
Get outta here!
Hey! You too!
[SCARLETT GRUNTING]
Scarlett!
Scarlett!
Scarlett!
You like it?
Scarlett!
Toilet paper is
all I could find.
I know, I know, it looks great.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
Okay.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
[COMICAL CLUNK]
This is my cousin Maria.
She's really good
at making problems disappear.
Yeah,
I did a little party favor.
If you know what I mean.
So you remember how they're
having an unplugged wedding
and they told everybody
to put their phones in a basket?
Stupid. Yeah, well, now
they're officially unplugged.
For good.
[MILTON GIGGLES]
You stole the basket.
She stole the basket.
I stole the basket. My phones
in that basket. Can I have it?
Yeah, yeah.
Maria, where'd you
hide the basket?
Look, Cuz, I like you, but
I don't move bodies and tell.
Bodies.
Sorry, force of habit.
I don't move cellies and tell.
What do you mean?
We need our cell phones.
That's too bad. You had a problem,
and I took care of that problem.
Licky licky boom boom.
Where's the basket, Maria?
All right,
I'll tell you one thing.
They might be on sleep mode.
With the fishes.
Tiger, did she throw
our phones in the lake?
Oh, Tiger!
[ROARS AND GROWLS]
We'll work on it.
Okay.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[DJ, OVER PA]
Pew pew pew pew!
Here's a request:
Anyone have any bug spray?
No big deal.
I'm just a little allergic.
You want people not to leave?
I made sure people aren't
leaving.
Yes, babe!
What did you do?
Electric pens? Sheepdog?
Cash bribery?
No babe, even better.
[MAGICAL SOUNDS]
Red velvet.
My uncle, he got
a bunch of these in the truck
just in case something like
this ever happens.
How's it going to help?
People can easily
get around a velvet rope?
No they can't.
I got my cousin here.
How you doin?
Cousin!
He's here to regulate.
Make sure no one passes.
Cousin...
Look at him,
look at the features.
No, it's my cousin's cousin.
But today he's my cousin.
Watch this.
Just watch.
Hold up.
No crossing the velvet rope.
Why? We gotta get to
the backyard wedding.
Not today.
Who are you?
Im a cousin.
Who's cousin?
I'm a cousin...
of a cousin
who makes me somebody's cousin.
Go back to your seats.
Yeah, yeah.
But I am a cousin.
Yeah, tell it to your seat.
A real one, too.
Shoo!
No ones passing cousin.
Okay. That's fine.
It's going great.
Congratulations!
So you're really going
to ruin your sister's day?
She wanted it to be memorable.
Scarlett...
Dad...
Dad, you've always said that
you wanted me to settle down
When are you going to
move out of that RV?
Quit dick in around and
get serious about something!
All right, all right. The house
is great, but what about Kate?
This is her day!
This is Milton's house!
He lives here
and deserves to stay.
I'm just helping the homeless.
I don't think he's
right for you.
Well, too bad!
It's not your choice.
It's up to me who Im with.
I know, but still...
Still what?
He could have asked.
Could have asked...?
Ohhh.
What's left? Bouquets?
Check.
Best man/maid of honor?
Check.
Cute. Asked my father
permission for my hand in marriage?
Wait. What?
I know it's a little archaic
but my Dad would really
appreciate it
if you asked him
for his blessing.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks.
Okay. How about chairs?
Coming in hot!
I did not invite her
to the backyard.
Hey Bridesmaid!
You ain't gonna find
your phone over there.
You better
tell me where they are.
I've started drinking
the emergency bride wine,
so I don't care what I destroy
at your sham wedding.
Just try me.
Hey, chill. Yeah we don't
know where the phones are.
What do you mean you don't know
where the phones are?
You stole them.
We hired outside help.
Well, then.
Hey!
Those are the good ones
from Arby's!
Male stripper!
Its Henry
Hey, hey, hey, do you still have
those furry handcuffs from earlier?
Of course.
A stripper prepares.
Great.
Excuse me!
What are you...
Suck it!
Good job, Booboo!
Thanks. But don't call me
Booboo I'm not a small bear.
All right! [SEXY MUSIC
STARTS] A forever customer!
I'm Henry, the male stripper.
Oh, and since you're
still on the clock,
your job is to give Gammy Ag
a lap dance for the next hour.
Now we're talking!
No!
What did I do
coming to the backyard!?
Kate!!
KARLENE (OFFSCREEN) Yeah Granny!
I can't believe you're
dealing with this so lightly.
Well, Womens and Babies
magazine says
You can't control life, but you
can control how you deal with it
I've had enough bad days
after my husband died.
I'm ready for some good ones.
Me too.
And some grandkids.
Yeah.
[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]
Hey, Mom, can I talk to
Mr. Fisher?
Sure.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS]
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
So I wanted to say to you
that I am an analyst.
Usually I do numbers.
My life is really
just kind of black and white.
[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]
Because of Scarlett,
for the first time in my life,
I see colors.
I'm never this spontaneous
but I just know
that this marriage
is a good thing.
[REFRIDGERATOR HUMS]
[CHAIR SQUEAKS]
Sir,
Im asking if you can
give me your blessing
to marry your daughter.
Hmm.
Hmm.
That was way better
than your brother.
It was?
Yes.
Yes, okay, yes.
You can marry Scarlett.
Hug me back.
You're soon gonna find out
that she usually gets
whatever she wants.
Good job, Son.
Where is that damn priest?
We'll just have someone
else officiate.
Takes what? Two seconds
to get ordained online?
We don't have our phones.
There is no online!
Okay.
Okay.
Babe, look at it,
I'm pretty sure someone here
has been ordained before
just on a bender one night.
Let me check. Let me check.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your
attention, please?
Is there anyone here
who's ordainable?
Ordainable?
We need someone to officiate us.
Oh, I can do it.
Internet certified.
I've done it before.
You have?
Dewey you're a lifesaver!
Babe, he isnt... come here.
Listen, babe,
this guy likes you likes you.
You can't do this.
Stop acting like a teenager,
I'm literally marrying you.
This guy says he's
your work husband
He's not wrong. Yeah,
don't worry about it, guys.
I can marry you.
And Chaff.
Dude, my name is not Chaff
Thank you.
Come on, Chaffy.
I mean, Chazzy.
Can you toss that for me?
Thanks, bro.
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Sabotage! Sabotage!
What do I do now?
I've been in here so long.
Im starting to feel dirty.
They do have a nice shower.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
[SHOWER SPRAYS]
[HUMMING]
Sorry you have to get married
to a tacky mermaid.
No, no, no.
You look like a reef.
A reef?
Yeah.
Like a beautiful coral reef.
God, I love you.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Yeah, you can't wear that.
How about this?
Mom's dress?
Really?
As much as I would like
to see the return of
Seashells the Mermaid
maybe this is a better fit.
And your mother
would be honored.
And you finally came around?
Well, I wish it wasn't
the same day,
but if you guys are happy,
you have my support.
Plus, I don't have
to pay for another wedding.
Thanks, Dad.
[LOUD RECORD SKIP]
No.
No not yet.
Too soon.
Its too soon.
After the reception, all right?
Okay? FLORIST No, Im not okay!
Do you know what this is?
Do you know what this is?
Flower?
This is a floral collar
for a dog!
A floral collar!
Okay, but why a dog?
Because the bride is a dog.
I mean...
I heard Kate was a bitch
but a collar is next level.
What? No.
I'm going to the
highly anticipated wedding
of Bark Twain and Shia LeFluff.
What?
The famously gay Bichon Friss?
Not a cousin.
[GROANS]
Different wedding.
[CLATTER]
[DOG BARKING]
[DJ, OVER PA]
Pew pew pew pew!
Look, I left my pew pew pew
machine at home
so I'm doing the best
pew pew pewing
that I can do, okay?
The backyard is
where the partys at
so let's jump, dance and
cornhole!
Pew pew pew!
[SOFT CHEERING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
I owe your Mom a curtain.
You look breathtaking.
I can't believe you're real.
[SCARLETT GIGGLES]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
Okay everybody, Our wedding
is going to begin in five minutes,
so put down your cornholing
And come watch us get hitched!
CROWD Almost get those drinks!
CROWD I want to see them kiss.
Pew pew pew pew!
Four minutes, everyone,
and then I'm walking
down that aisle.
Everyone in your places.
Does that mean we
get our phones back?
Hey, also, is anyone
and I mean anyone
able to ordain us
other than Dewey?
Anyone?
Anyone?
No.
Which wedding are we going to?
We can't go to both.
Should we split up?
No, we do things together.
We're not like their family.
Everyone take a seat
for the wedding!
Which one? The fancy schmancy
wedding or the hickey Dickie wedding?
I... I don't know.
It just says
round up the guests
There's nothing in the article
about what to do
if both your children decide
to get married the same day.
Don't drink!
[ROMANTIC SONG]
["DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES"]
Chaz!
You played this song
on our first date!
I know,
I wanted to surprise you.
But when you get back there,
Turn it off before
The Thong Song come on.
It'll change the whole party.
Go on, get down that aisle.
Go, go, go.
Okay.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
In a world of vibrant hues
behold, Kate.
Fair, with crimson tresses
that ignite the air.
Her hair a fiery cascade
dances with grace.
A tapestry of passion
upon her face.
In strands of ruby
a tale of love unfolds.
Each lock whispers secrets
oh like flames ablaze
they dance with such desire.
A passionate fire.
Every strand a story of love
a tale of love that...
Kate, Kate, Kate.
Kate, Kate, Kate,
Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate...
Dude. Focus, man.
You know what to say, right?
I know exactly what to say
to her.
Oh my God. But words
would not do her justice.
Has anyone seen my dad?
I think he's
still getting ready.
[TENSE MUSIC STARTS]
Okay.
I don't need my dad.
Or my mom.
And especially not my sister.
People get married without
their families all the time,
Right?
This isn't sad at all!
Honestly,
I think it's pretty sad.
Oh, it's my turn to walk!
Smiles, smiles!
Good luck, almost Mrs. Chaz
You're gonna win!
Im gonna win!
Milton, Milton!
We have to
get married right now!
[CHAOTIC MUSIC STARTS]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS]
This way! Over here!
Come on!
Shh!
Over here!
This way! Don't get lost!
We're out of time.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS CONTINUE]
I can hear the music!
Straight ahead, you'll see it!
I told you this was
the right way!
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]
All right,
I'm here.
Dad, where were you?
Sorry, I can't keep track of
which one of you
is get married first.
["WEDDING MARCH" CONTINUES]
Wait, Mom!
Where are you going?
Back to the front yard.
This is exhausting
keeping up with love.
No! Is their
wedding starting?
Everyone...
I like to re-invite you
to the front yard.
Mom! From the sound of it,
she's halfway down the aisle.
This house rule is
driving me mad!
No, no, no! Margaret! Can't
you just change the house rule?
No! My husband
sticks to his decisions,
even inside the grave.
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
That's for you, baby.
I love a good old fashioned
marriage-off!
No! Hey, guys!
Stay, stay!
Ladies and gentlemen,
We
are gathered here
today
to witness a marriage.
Dewey, let's just get
to the important parts.
Okay, um... Are you sure you don't
want me to take as long as possible
so you know you're
making the right decision?
Dude, I'm standing right here.
Let's just move
this along, shall we?
Mmkay...
Do you, Chaff...
Chaz.
Take this beautiful...
I cant believe he's
actually marrying them!
Why wouldn't he? Dont you see
him blue-veining over my sister?
who is far
out of your league.
Far out of anyone's league!
This guy talks so much.
That is unworthy of her
magnificence and brilliance!
Come on, come on. This
guy's got a hard-on for Kate.
Who holds a place
in all of our hearts.
And mine,
especially more than anyone.
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
[DEWEY GROANS]
And do you,
Kate.
Kate. Kate. Kate.
Whose name I will never
tire of hearing or saying.
Take Chaff?
Chaz. Who we all know
does not deserve to be
where he's standing today?
To be your lawfully,
wedded husband?
I do.
[DEWEY GROANS]
Okay, well...
Then with the power vested in me
from the nation
island of Sri Lanka,
I now pronounce you...
MILTON Whoa whoa whoa!
Sri Lanka?
This is not Sri Lanka.
You know this
is Pennsylvania, right?
Dewey, tell me this is legally
binding in the United States?
No?
This son of a dick.
Sri Lanka marriage laws
are way different
than Pennsylvania marriage laws.
Same as mattress removal laws.
Same as manslaughter laws.
Dewey, how could you?
I'm doing you a favor.
Now you have enough
time to realize
that he is not your soulmate!
Can I punch him now?
That means theres still time!
Suck it, Kate!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
KATE Scarlett!
Damn!
What do we do now?
What about the alcohol?
We can't drink
until they get married!
MARGARET Oh, Lord. Everyone, I'd
like to re-invite you back to the backyard.
Dude, you screwed us
out of a house!
Is that all you care about?
The house?
What about marrying me?
Of course, baby,
that's number one
but the house is a bonus!
[KATE WAILS]
Babe, come on
don't storm off into the house
that I don't care about!
Chaff, Chaff, don't follow her.
You give her some space,
and I'll make sure she's okay.
No, you stay here, man.
You've done too much.
What about the alcohol?
We can't drink
until they get married!
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC STARTS] [YEAH ILL
MAKE YOU MOVE LIKE YOUR BOOTS ARE ON FIRE]
[ILL MAKE YOU JUMP LIKE
YOU TOUCHED A LIVE WIRE]
[HEY NO SITTING DOWN
WHEN I GET IN THE ZONE]
[JUST GIVE ME MY CROWN
LET THE KING TAKE CONTROL]
[WHOA, YEAH]
[I LIKE TO GROOVE IHE LIKES TO GROOVE IT]
[WHOA, YEAH]
[YOURE GONNA MOVE IYOURE GONNA MOVE IT]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[CELLPHONES BUZZ]
Oh my gosh,
that was a close one!
But we totally got an
advantage now!
Totally!
MARIA I asked around.
I found someone who's ordained.
Consider it another favor.
Really? Who?
[HANDCUFFS CLINK]
Oh, yeah. I have officiated for a
lot of people, including for myself.
You can do that? You can
marry anything in Pennsylvania.
Well, almost anything.
Seriously?
I divorced myself, too.
Marriage is really hard.
I hope you two are ready
for the challenges.
[STRIPPER LAUGHS]
[HAYLEY MOCK LAUGHS]
Challenges? What? Like putting
together a wedding in 20 minutes?
We more than got this,
right, Milton?
Milton?
MAN (OFFSCREEN) Scarlett!
Scarlett, you gotta help us
with this bouncer.
Yeah. This guy won't let us
into your crappy wedding.
Just go under the rope.
We tried that, but look.
Don't touch the rope!
See? He's really intimidating!
Let them do what they want.
Who even are you?
I'm a cousin of the bride.
I'm a bride,
you're not a cousin.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm a cousin of a cousin.
No you're not.
Tell him, Scarlett!
Come on, everyone.
Let's bum rush this bum!
Hey!
One...
No!
Two...
Three! [LOUD
CLATTERS] My clipboard!
CHAZ No no no!
You can't pass the velvet rope!
Is nothing sacred anymore?
Cousin!
What the heck...?
It was the little one,
she's so squirrely!
What!?
[MAN SCREAMING]
[GAMMY AG] Here you are. Seconds
away from the biggest moment of your life.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yeah. You two must
be so so so in love
to get married this fast.
What if marriage
is more than a transaction?
What happens
if I actually love Milton?
How do you define love anyway?
If you want my
definition of love,
it's taking your livestock
to see one last sunset
before slaughter.
Or it's whenever you die
and you go on
and haunt your lover
while they're making pottery
Specific. Or its whenever you
sell your voice to an evil sea witch
so you can get some
time on land for a hunky sailor.
Okay.
Okay, round two.
Let's do it!
[KARLENE]
Yee-haw!
[SOFT COUGHING]
When I first met
Milton and Scarlett,
I was dancing.
I watched her love blossom
these last few hours,
and I'm still dancing.
Show, don't tell!
Now I dance, not for myself,
but for their love.
You know,
we don't really need a speech
about dancing if you
just wanna...
Okay. Do you, Scarlett, take
Milton to be your husband?
I do.
And do you, Milton,
take Scarlett
to be your waifu?
Waifu!
What?
Nice man!
So that's an anime thing.
I'll tell you about it later.
Perfect.
I do.
Badass.
Then unless anyone
objects this union,
by the power vested in me
by the State of Pennsylvania.
I now pronounce you...
Wait!
I... I don't think I can do this.
No.
What do you mean?
First wedding I've officiated
where the wife objects.
Called it!
I called it.
I...
I wish that my sister was here.
You mean the sister
whose wedding you ruined?
Yes, Hayley. That sister.
I guess I just need more time.
I'm so sorry, Milton.
Wait. Scarlett, wait!
Scarlett!
I didn't expect this.
Is anyone getting married today?
I told you.
This is what she does.
Even when they say they do
they don't!
[PAPER TEARS]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
It's me, Dewey!
Everything is going
to plan perfectly!
My dreams are
finally coming true!
This is the best entry
I have ever written!
[DEWEY SQUEALS
WITH JOY]
But alas!
Kate!
Why are you not answering
my cries?
[MUFFLED WAILING]
I love you.
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
Why are you still so foolishly
in love with that
indefensible Chaff!?
Wait, that's not Chaff.
Can we switch over to...
No, that's not Chaff, either!
[SCARLETT GRUNTS]
Yes!
Oh, thou sneaky
devourer of care.
Truly Ive proved that
I'm the loyal
lettuce-licker she deserves.
[EVIL LAUGH]
Can you believe that
two weddings broke up today?
That happens to half of
the weddings I ordain.
Where do you live?
Everywhere and anywhere.
I'm like a stripper in the wind.
[WIND WHISTLING]
I mean, you have
the body for it.
And the moves.
And the mind.
[SOFT GIGGLES]
Sorry that you couldn't be
my best man today, Gammy Ag.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not with that attitude.
Did she say she loves you?
Yeah.
And did you tell her?
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
MILTON
Can I see that microphone?
No man, Im working here.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
I need to see the microphone!
Thanks a lot, y'all,
for helping me get Milton back.
Yeah. Gotta settle
the score, Cuz.
[POPCORN CRUNCHING]
Hey its my wedding man!
I can do any
public announcement I want!
[NERVOUS MOAN]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
Since I have
everybody's attention
There's an announcement
I'd like to make.
[SNAP OF BALLOON TIE]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Chaz.
Chaz, what are you doing?
Yo, you ruined my
wife's wedding.
Now I'm going to ruin yours.
[CROWD GASPS]
Dude! Kate doesn't deserve
what happened to her today.
I know she's a lot sometimes.
I know she talks
when the game is on.
Talks more when it goes off.
Always stealing the covers
from me in the winter.
Cuddling super hard
with me in the summer.
I get it. I know she's a lot.
I know she's a handful,
but she's my handful, all right?
Now your wife's going to pay.
Chill!
[INTENSE VIOLIN MUSIC BUILDS]
[SCARLETT, YELLING]
Chaz, that's not me!
[SLOW MOTION WHOOSH]
[MILTON, YELLING]
OHH!
[WATER BALLOON
SPLATTERS]
[CROWD GASPS
AND GROANS]
[DRAMATIC
VIOLIN MUSIC]
Oh shit.
[CROWD REACTS]
HAYLEY Was that maple syrup?
[FOOTSTEPS
RUNNING AWAY]
Oh, Kate.
Number two:
Protect the Dress
Oh my God!
Baby, what happened?
Who did this?
That's not important, babe.
Who brings maple syrup
to a wedding?
DEWEY Chaff!
Again, not important.
Why are you eating their food?
I just wanted
roasted vegetables.
Babe, these are
meat-based vegetables.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, this day
cant get any worse.
Chaz, tell me now.
Who did this?
Calm down babe.
Who?
DEWEY Him!
Come on, you cowards!
Was it you, Maria?
DEWEY Him!
You're all wussies.
I can see it on your faces.
You know who did this
now tell me who!
DEWEY Chaff!
DEWEY The groom did it!
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Chaz?
DEWEY Yes!
Yeah babe.
This was you?
It was babe,
but I was doing this for you.
I was aiming for
Scarlett's head.
You would just so happen
to be in a wedding dress.
I can't do this anymore.
This day has been a disaster
with your stupid competition
and your stupid house.
I'm done.
Everyone else can get us married
as they want.
I'm done.
[DEWEY, LAUGHING]
Yeah!
Hey Scarlett,
can we talk?
Yes, but I really have to go
take care of that
human McGriddle first.
Yeah.
Now I want pancakes.
Meat-based pancakes!
Yeah, greatest idea ever!
[BOTH]
Yum yum yum!
Oh my God, Kate,
I'm so sorry.
I did not mean for
things to go that far.
You weren't even supposed to
have things today to begin with.
Why can't you do anything right?
Why do you have to be
such a dick about everything?
This is your wedding day.
It should be about love and you've
been so spiteful about every little detail.
Because I'm scared.
I did everything in my power
to make sure it was perfect
and beautiful and romantic.
And I still got smashed
with a maple syrup balloon.
Yeah, it's pretty epic.
Of course you would say that.
You know, you made plenty of
my days growing up pretty rough.
And it's not like you
ever apologized.
I'm sorry. Congratulations.
You got back at me for trying
to make you a better person.
You weren't trying to make me
a better person.
You were trying
to make me a different person.
I am not like you.
Whatever, Scarlett, okay?
You win.
You made the most
important day of my life
about you.
Now, please, just take the hint
and leave me alone.
Kate!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
Make up. MILTON If you weren't being
such a selfish asshole, [AUDIENCE GASPS]
we wouldn't
be in this situation.
Dude, if I didn't treat you
like an asshole,
you'd still be breastfeeding
until this day.
[AUDIENCE REACTS]
The two of you, shut
your adorable mouths!
I'll shut my mouth when he's off
my future property.
For what it's worth,
Chaz took longer
to wean off the nip.
But Milton took longer to
potty train.
And today
your both being babies.
You're being a big baby today.
You're a bigger baby.
Both of you!
Listen to me right now!
You go inside the house,
and you don't come out
until you've made up.
Do you understand me?
But Mom!
No!
You both disappointed me today.
You go inside and
you talk it out.
Do you understand?
Yes, Mom. I'm the
favorite. Dont forget that.
Go inside!
[ANGELIC CHORDS]
Just make up already.
[SCRUBBING SOUNDS]
You can barely bathe yourself
and you're going to wash
a wedding dress?
I lived at a campsite once
with a bunch of river birches,
and I was constantly
covered in sap,
so I picked up a few tricks.
See?
KATE Wow, it's coming out.
Man, we really messed up
with our fiances.
Yeah, it's mostly my fault, too.
Man, I should've
just let you have the house.
Nah, I mean, dude,
it was a bad deal.
We shouldn't have been
fighting over our house.
I'm glad you stood up
for yourself.
Is that really how
you wanted to get married?
Last minute and
covered in toilet paper?
I don't know.
Its always something I thought
Mom would take the lead on.
Yeah. Me too.
You didn't seem to care
about her being around today.
Scarlett.
Of course I cared.
I wanted her here today
more than anything.
That's why I insisted on there
being button chrysanthemums.
Those were her favorite!
Yeah. I just wanted a little
piece of mom around, you know?
So is that why
you're such an asshole to me?
Tough love?
No.
I'm just annoying and
I love annoying you.
[CHAZ GIGGLES]
And you make this face.
There you go, right there.
Like this.
This is the face.
That's the face.
I wanted you there so bad.
[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]
And I will be.
When the time is right.
Family is the
most important thing
[SCARLETT GIGGLES]
[DEEP BASS RUMBLES]
Leave the cordial liquor alone!
Then give me the rude liquor!
No one gets a drink
until someone gets hitched!
[CROWD CHANTS]
Booze or death! Booze or death!
Booze or death!
Kate, there you go.
What a disaster.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
Look, I know that this backyard
wedding took us for a spin.
But can we try again?
What if this was all just
a bad omen for our marriage?
Like I said when I proposed,
Every day with you has been
the single best day of my life
Including today.
You are my good
O-woman
No.
No puns, no dancing.
I do not like it.
You're going to like this.
Kate Fisher,
Will you marry me again?
Finally?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[HAPPY SIGHS]
After today,
we can face any disaster.
[HOSE SPRAYS]
[YELLING]
[CROWD CHANTING]
Give us booze! Give us booze!
All right, stop!
[DJ, OVER PA]
Ladies, Im here!
I can protect the fort, too!
Isnt your name
DJ Drinks-A Lot?
Yeah that was just the name
my grandma gave me.
People like to hire DJs
that drink a lot.
I don't know why.
Ive been clean for 5 years.
Oh wow, good for you!
Thank you.
Give us booze! [DJ,
OVER PA] Listen everybody!
Now listen.
I was in AA for many years.
I worked for AAA.
Thank you for your service.
But! You do not need alcohol
to enjoy a lovely wedding.
MCMOODLE
True, Preach! Preach!
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
I will say
it certainly does help
with awkward conversations,
social anxiety,
or with family members
you only see once a year.
Speak for yourself, McMoodle.
Give us booze! Give us booze!
Its over.
You're on your own.
Pew pew pew pew!
So you actually love
that weirdo?
Yeah. He's my kind of weird.
And being with him kind of
makes me want to get weirder.
Seeing you two together
you are the perfect weird.
I gotta go apologize to him.
Wait, what is
your favorite color?
Orange.
That's way worse than turquoise.
Their chants are
getting progressively worse!
All I want is a screwdriver!
Is that so hard?
I have a screwdriver.
I was building a birdhouse.
I'm going to take care
of all of you, just
No one can argue with the
mother of the groom today.
Margaret.
Yes?
I love you. But we
are all about to kill you!
Hey! No one argues with
the mother of the grooms!
Yes, what she said.
[CROWD CHANTING]
Booze or death! Booze or death!
SCARLETT Hi.
So Im sorry about the whole
running away
from the altar thing.
I'd rather you be honest
and do something you regret.
No, I wasn't... I didn't...
I still want to make this work.
I'm in, if you're in?
And I get it.
And so I'm going to go die.
I'm in.
Seashells.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
That's perfect.
Thor? Because
you're my Thor-ever?
Nerds!
Well work on it. Almost there.
So I decided because I'm
so kind and generous.
And I make more than
both of you combined.
You should have the house.
No, we're not going to
take it from you.
What? No.
Yall should have it.
No bro, yall should.
No, you should.
[CROWD, OFFSCREEN]
Give us booze! Give us booze!
Somebody should do something.
Booze or death!
I have an idea.
[HAYLEY, SINGING]
I got them ribs up on the racks.
[HENRY, SINGING]
Stacks and stacks of baby backs.
I smoke it slow
and smoke it through.
All I want is barbecue!
[GIGGLING]
Haley, it's go time!
Go find those
button chrysanthemums.
[HANDCUFFS UNLOCKING]
So now you need my help?
Your cousin, who has known
you since you were born
and on the most
important day of your life
you handcuff me to a stripper?
Seems like you had a
pretty good time.
I suddenly feel so naked.
Tell me about it.
[DOOR SQUEAKING] [MARGARET,
GASPING] Father OConner!
[TRANQUIL SPA MUSIC]
There you are!
We've been looking for
you all day!
Just a minute.
I'm almost done with
this deep clean.
Father, your skin does
look radiant.
Why thank you.
Although I don't know
if I can keep up
with this aggressive
skin regimen.
[SOFTLY]
Oh.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC
STARTS]
Do you think it's cool we got
our grandmother as our best man?
Just another thing to
cross off the bucket list.
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
[DJ, YELLING]
Pew pew pew pew!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to ring those
wedding bells!
'Cause we got two weddings?
Oh, man.
This is sure to go well.
[DJ, SINGING]
Pew, pew pew-pew!
[TO WEDDING MARCH MELODY]
Pew, pew, pew-pew!
[DJ, YELLING] Everybody! [CROWD
JOINS IN] Pew, pew pew-pew, pew
I wish I told him
not to do that.
I kinda like it.
Wait, Scarlett.
[PEW PEWING CONTINUES
IN BACKGROUND]
[CROWD SINGING]
Pew pew, pew, pew-pew!
You may all be seated, please.
You two choose wisely.
[SNIFFLES]
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
for the holy matrimony of
Chaz Boadu and Kate Fisher.
[AUDIENCE SNIFFLES]
And the holy matrimony
of Milton Boadu
and Scarlett Fisher.
[DEWEY WAILS]
Now. Are you all
ready to say I do?
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do. Then by the power vested
in me by the State of Maryland
What? Maryland?
[CROWD MURMURS]
This isnt Maryland!
Just a little joke there, son.
[SCARLETT CHUCKLES]
Not funny.
Gimme that! By the power vested
in me by the State of Pennsylvania,
I now pronounce you
husbands and wives.
The husbands can now
kiss the brides.
Should we all kiss
at the same time?
How does this work?
You guys wanted to marry first.
Yeah, y'all should go first.
[KATE AND CHAZ]
Okay.
[GENTLE KISS]
[POLITE REACTIONS]
[TRIUMPHANWEDDING MUSIC]
Okay lets show them
how its done.
[LOUD SMOOCHING]
[CROWD WHISTLES AND CHEERS]
[FATHER OCONNER]
Okay.
[TRAP REMIX OF
WEDDING MARCH]
I'm so sorry I ruined today.
Who cares?
We're married!
Love you!
[TRAP MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CROWD PARTYING]
I can't believe it.
She actually went through
with marrying you.
Yeah.
But if she's happy,
I'm happy.
Look bro, I know what
you see in Kate.
You see the same thing
that I saw in her.
Let me tell you, man,
it's unhealthy
to pine for another man's wife.
Pine?
We're just work friends, bro.
Wanna dance?
Go dance.
Thanks, Chaz.
[MUSIC SURGES]
[OVER-THE-TOP GRUNTING]
[CLARA, IMPRESSED]
Ooh...
I hated you so much.
I hated you.
I hated you!
I hated all of you guys!
But now I don't hate you.
I just had to do a job.
All's well
that drinks well, girl.
[GLASS CLINKS]
[DEWEY, NARRATING]
And they danced
through the night. Unfettered,
unburdened of any grudges
that plagued their love
for each other.
And I, Dewey,
though I lost a bride
have gained a bridesmaid.
Clara, with a C!
These next pages are for us,
my love.
Or maybe I should get
a new book.
[DEWEY GASPS]
With new stickers!
[SOFT MOANING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
[JOYFUL SQUEAL]
[PLASTIC CUP KICKS OVER]
Best day of my life.
To new family!
[SQUEALS OF JOY]
[SOFT PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]
Yo, this you?
[MAN PURRS]
[DJ, OVER PA]
You don't have to go home
but you cant stay here.
The cell phones!
Unless you're married.
You didn't
throw them in the lake.
Then I guess you live here.
Nah dude, these are expensive.
Well, you've really
outdone yourself.
Thank you.
Dont mention it.
Henry, Henry!
I'm so sorry. I totally forgot
I had to give you a ride.
Just give me, like, ten minutes
and I'll get you.
Hey, you remembered my name!
Its okay.
I can take him back.
Okay. Okay.
You do you, boo-boos.
This feels weird.
Yeah it does.
Wanna?
More than anything.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
[GIGGLES]
HENRY You're adorable.
HAYLEY You too!
This is a big house, so I'm sure
well all have plenty
of room to live in it.
I will be putting a limit
on animes
watched in the living room. Oh my God,
worry about anime arrangements later.
All right, so the kitchen
and the living room
will be our communal space.
Other than that,
well take this half of the house
and you guys can have that half.
That sounds totally fair
Sounds good.
[FOOTSTEPS ON
METAL STAIRS]
Well, now that
the house is settled
and you're all married,
there's something else I want
to show you from your dad.
SCARLETT Oh, buckle up.
Please. No.
Mom what are you doing?
[PROJECTION SCREEN
SLIDES DOWN]
There's something else
I want to show you on the DVD.
Mom...
[TENSE MUSIC]
STEVE Hello again.
Chaz or Milton
and spouse of Chaz or Milton.
Congrats. I have one
more thing to tell you about.
No pressure.
Chaz or Milton,
but as soon as you give
your mother a grandchild,
you can have the beach house.
I love that beach house.
If she loves that beach house,
I really love that beach house.
Well, good luck!
And I look forward to seeing
you all at a baby shower.
We got a head
start this morning.
Let's get you
that beach house, Seashells.
Oh my God, that's so perfect!
Let's get out of here
and show them how
getting pregnant is done.
SCARLETT I guess we can
start our honeymoon!
KATE Scarlett, you can't
steal my honeymoon, too!
SCARLETT Suck it!
MILTON
Can we do that thing again?
[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
SCARLETT I love you.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC
STARTS]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]