Love & Human Remains (1993) Movie Script

BERNIE: You look brutal, man.
I haven't been to sleep.
Well, have you been in to bed?
-I'm celebrating. -Why?
Six months today I've been back.
-Yeah? Doesn't seem that long. -I know.
Whatever happened to Cindy?
-Cindy who? -The one with the blue hair.
The one with War and Peace on her back in braille.
She got married or something.
Who cares?
Bern, where did everybody go?
-Who? -Everybody we used to know.
Where did they all go?
I don't know, man.
It's funny how people just disappear.
Yeah, it's fucking hilarious.
Ten years, and all this will be ours.
Can't wait.
We'll call the shots, we'll run the show.
Pay the bills.
-Make the money. -Clean up the mess.
-Why is life so weird? -But, you're noble.
Take the day off. We'll go to my place,
drink vodka and watch cartoons.
Yeah? I've used up all my sick days.
-You're getting boring, Bern. -Must be my age.
-Call me. -Sure.
-Right. Later. -Later.
This girl and her boyfriend
are driving to their
high school prom.
They are taking this back road,
when all of a sudden the car runs out of gas.
The boyfriend tells the girl to wait in the back seat
while he finds somewhere to get gas.
She doesn't want to,
but she's in high heels and everything.
[SCOFFS] So she says she'll wait.
She's scared.
The boyfriend leaves, and the girl gets into the back seat,
-and hides under the blanket. -[GRUNTS]
And then a long time later
she hears this sound,
and it's like this tapping...
Only wet!
And it was like somebody knocking.
Thank you very much.
I know who you are.
No, you don't.
You used to have a TV show.
You've confused yourself.
-You played a kid named Toby. -Nope.
You are David McMillan, right?
Discovered again.
Do you still do, you know, TV stuff?
It's called acting, and, no, I don't.
Why not?
I find being a waiter more artistically satisfying.
Honey, I'm homo.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, I feel like I just fucked a football team.
-Good money? -Of course.
MAN ON TV: Until 10 days ago,
Lin and Wintu had lived their two and a half years
in a hospital in Rangoon, Burma.
The twin boys were normal
from the waist up,
but were joined
from just below their diaphragms
through their pelvis.
And shared a pair of legs and organs.
Now at Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children
-they have been separated... -What are you reading?
CANDY: Teach Me How to Love by Lynda Carlyle.
It's about a small town girl that moves to New York
and makes it big in the fashion industry.
Sounds charming.
How do I drag out the phrase, "It's shit" for three columns?
You'll find a way.
MAN ON TV: The head of the surgical team,
Dr. William Divine,
considers the operation a success...
You're not encouraging that stupid cat, are you?
MAN ON TV: They're becoming more and more common.
Two years ago, two children, joined at the head...
Well, would you let this man do unspeakable things to your body?
CANDY: Absolutely.
I have a blind date with destiny.
Sure you do.
If Bernie calls, tell him I'll call him later.
You eat today?
Ah, yeah, a bit.
Eat something. You look a little drawn.
I will. Ciao.
-On your way out? -Night's wastin'.
You haven't called in a while.
-I will soon. -You better have fun.
-Always do. -Bye.
Rhythm is a dancer
You can feel it, you can feel it
Rhythm is a dancer, rhythm is a dancer
-How's it going? -Not bad.
-It's good to see you. -You, too.
Why didn't you tell me?
You never showed up long enough for me to tell you anything.
There's a shooting of Ray Bradbury in town.
-Oh, yeah? -Lucy's casting.
-Waiting tables pays better. -[CHUCKLES]
Hey, why don't you go up for more stage stuff?
Too long, Sal.
-You're good, David. -Thank you.
-You got a joint? -Always.
-Let's go outside. -No.
I'm stoned.
Is this safe?
Are you interested in living in a world
where it's not?
Good point.
There's a spot on my futon.
Oh, my God.
I guess, it's either pizza or Vaseline.
Where did it come from?
I don't know.
Maybe, somebody broke into our apartment and rubbed pizza on our futon.
We'll get it cleaned.
Get lucky?
Got blown.
...clear up a little bit as we move into the Prairies.
There is, however, a slight ozone warning today
for Eastern Manitoba
and for Western Ontario...
I worry about you, darling.
You should get out more often.
-Sleep around a bit. -With the men in this town?
You're joking.
No, no. We have some fine men.
I need someone who will hang around for my orgasm.
Then stop dating straight men.
I have already tried that with you.
I was a trainee fag at the time,
there's a difference.
I remember you liking it.
It was okay.
Not really me, though.
WOMAN 1 ON TV: The Miami and Fort Lauderdale areas have been averaging...
Maybe I'd have better luck with women.
I don't know, Candy, I can't see you as a dyke.
Please, I'd be a lesbian.
-Are you serial? -Um, slightly serial.
I don't have much luck with men.
That's not an exclusively female problem.
Most of my friends are homosexuals.
So are mine, but I'm not a lesbian.
I'm going to bed.
Let's order a medium Rose Bowl pizza
with pepperoni, mushrooms and green peppers and discuss your sexual prizes.
I'd sooner drink piss.
-Good night. -Good night.
WOMAN ON TV: Shower activity in Vancouver
with a high of 12 degrees.
Scattered showers as well for Edmonton today
at a high of eight degrees
and a brisk eight as well in Prince Rupert.
MAN 1 ON TV: Contaminated air from them...
MAN 2 ON TV: Fire on the painted finish of this car.
-Look at the acid burning in the spray paint. -[DOORBELL RINGING]
Look at the egg frying on the hood of this truck...
-Yes? -BERNIE: Hey, it's me.
Come on in.
Rough night?
-Did you catch the game? -Damn, I missed it again.
-What happened? -A little scuffle.
Here, you do it.
So, why didn't you call me back?
'Cause I hate your fucking guts.
Good. I thought you were avoiding me.
Hmm. So, what's up?
[SIGHS] I need a place to crash, man.
Mi casa es su casa.
Excuse me?
So, no girlfriend tonight?
Everybody needs a break sometimes.
So, who won the game?
-We did. -DAVID: Excellent.
Good night, Bern.
-David? -Yeah?
When you were away, I missed ya.
Thanks, Bern. Night.
Good night.
MAN ON TV: At least 400 people have been killed,
more than half of them women...
-You okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll see you later.
-She doesn't like me. -Well, you're a prick.
-I'm also late for work. -So?
You look great.
-Thanks. -I'm Jerri.
I'm in your no bounce class.
Spot me?
-Sure. -JERRI: Thanks.
You are very strong.
I'm working on it.
You smoke too much.
You ever feel like you failed?
I'm a waiter. You?
I'm a civil servant.
You failed. [LAUGHS]
Are you trying to get real with me
this early in the morning?
-Walk me to work? -DAVID: Sure.
"The tin soldier stood in the bright glare
and felt the most terrible heat.
Was it the heat of the coals or the heat of love?
He couldn't be quite sure.
-The bright colors..." -[BELL RINGING]
-See you later. -GIRL: Bye!
Kevin, do me a favor.
Take my key, make sure everyone gets out safely.
Then I'll meet ya, and you can lock up, deal?
Yeah. I can do that.
DAVID ON ANSWER MACHINE: Hi, neither Candy or I are here right now,
but then, neither are you.
CANDY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Perhaps, if you were, we would be, too.
Hi, Candy, this is Jerri, the person from the gym.
I got your number from the membership list.
I hope you don't mind.
Thought I'd call and see if you wanna get together or something.
I'll call back.
-ROBERT: Hey, gorgeous. -Hi, guy.
-ROBERT: The usual? -Ah, yeah. Thanks.
My pleasure.
-CANDY: It's pretty slow, eh? -It'll pick up.
-You want a chicken wing? -CANDY: No, thanks.
Tell me, do you ever drink anything besides soda water?
CANDY: Um, occasionally.
Could I take you out for something some time?
-I don't even know you. -You see me here all the time.
What if you turn out to be some kind of sicko?
Well, do I look sick to you?
It's always the ones that seem the most normal
that turn out to be ax murderers, so...
I'm no ax murderer.
All right then.
-You're gay, huh? -Not professionally.
-Gay is cool. -Glad you approve.
-How old are you, anyways? -Thirty...ish.
-You don't look over 28. -DAVID: Thanks.
You're in great shape for your age.
It's the Geritol.
How about the one about the babysitter
and the extension phone?
-Yes, please. -Okay.
So, there's this babysitter, and she's babysitting.
It's a dark and stormy night.
All of a sudden, the telephone rings.
And this guy says,
"I've killed once,
and I'm gonna kill again."
[EXHALES] Yes, well...
DAVID: I'm sorry, I'm too old
to believe in a Porsche-driving bus boy.
-[CAR LOCK CHIRPS] -Dad bought it.
Good. I was afraid I was over-tipping you.
Find yourself, find yourself
Find yourself, find yourself
-You wanna come up? -Up?
To my place. For a beer or something.
Uh, I can't have the car out after 1:00.
-How old did you say you were? -Eighteen.
And you still have a curfew?
His house, his rules, you know?
No, but I'll take your word for it.
I want that television set turned on right now!
This bartender wants to take me out.
Hold out for a brain surgeon.
It's either him or the lesbian I met at the gym today.
Take the bartender. Mix marriages seldom work.
CANDY: I want more than just sex.
That's why God invented television.
It's in there, Martin. And look at Richardson, he's on second base.
Kovaks is in big fucking trouble. Big trouble, baby. All right.
I need some tenderness in my life.
Pick the lesbian.
I'm nervous.
Candy, we're talking about a date.
We are not talking about a lifelong commitment.
Don't you ever wish you had a lover?
-I have many lovers. -Not "lover" lovers.
Didn't work for us.
That was different.
I'm not into settling down.
-It's a lot of play ball. -[CHEERING]
Deep down you want someone to be special for you.
I'm quite capable of being special for myself.
Were you in love with me?
I don't know.
People do fall in love.
For the rest of their lives.
Not me.
You're wrong, David.
Everyone needs to be loved.
That's why we have friends.
It's not the same.
Are you saying my relationships
with you and Bernie are invalid?
-Oh, I don't like him. -No.
-He's weird, David. -He's not.
What was that blood on my face cloth?
He was in a fight.
WOMAN ON TV: Salute to femininity.
MAN ON TV: That's it. All right, you got it?
Were you in love with me?
It's not the right word.
MAN ON TV: All right, push.
Seems like you were in love with me.
There's no such thing.
MAN 2 ON TV: Beta-Carotene to a new more...
WOMAN ON TV: And all the preparation, and all that you loved.
I know you were in love with me.
Then why are we talking about it now?
WOMAN 2 ON TV: A million visitors...
MAN 3 ON TV: Streaming slowly from their...
Oh, for Christ's sake, would you just pick a channel?
WOMAN 3 ON TV: Recently discovered remains
have been identified as Sally Maninski.
This is the last picture taken of the 18-year-old hair dresser.
Police refused to speculate as to whether Maninski's murder
is connected to that of two other young women...
I'm going to bed.
This is Ashley Ritten for CFRM...
No kisses?
MAN ON TV: Elsewhere the national unemployment rate climbed again today...
COMMENTATOR 1: Boy, it's a critical stage in the ball game.
Have they ever put a whale of a drive together?
COMMENTATOR 2: First, and goal to go up a nine.
And Windson out for Marshall, who scores easily.
COMMENTATOR 1: Second touchdown
of the night for Blake Marshall.
COMMENTATOR 2: Oh! And what a great goal.
I hope you don't mind me phoning you like that.
I know it's forward, but I just moved here
and I don't really know anyone.
CANDY: Sure.
Sometimes, if you don't make the first move with someone, nothing happens.
CANDY: That's right.
So, uh, do you want to do something some time?
-Ah, all right. -When?
Well, whenever.
-I'll call ya. -Okay.
Special power! Special power!
I think my attention span's too well developed for this.
This is special power.
Watch me.
DAVID: Where's your mother? KANE: Hawaii.
They divorced?
No, she just likes to tan a lot.
-You got a girlfriend? -No.
-Surprise. -Hey! What are you doing here?
I just popped in.
Uh, Kane, this is Bernie.
Uh, Kane's my busboy.
-Hi. -How you doing?
Excuse me.
-Just a small purchase. -Shit!
Ooh! Someone's dead. I'm out of here.
-Hot date tonight. -Always. I'll see you later.
He gay?
So, someone pays you to read books?
And write about them.
-That must be great. -CANDY: I don't finish most of them.
-Why not? -They are generally dreck.
-Is that right? -[CHUCKLES] It keeps me sane.
You're a very interesting woman.
-Was dinner okay? -Great.
-You didn't eat much. -No, it was lovely.
-You want more wine? -No, I'm fine.
-Smoke a joint? -No.
-Can I get you anything? -Mmm-mmm.
Do you want to fuck me?
-Sure. No, I mean... -CANDY: Oh...
Well, the way you were looking at me I thought...
Why don't we just, uh...
I'd better go.
Candy, wait.
Drinks, dinner, conversation, bed.
I just thought I'd cut to the chase.
You surprised me, that's all.
Oh, sorry, Robert.
I just don't have a lot of time for bullshit.
Do you think I should call my parents?
Hi, this is Jerri.
Just calling some time, like I said I would.
Let's get together and...
Hi. I just got in.
So, when would you like to go out?
I always wanted to see you on another show.
I did try. Even moved to Toronto for a while.
-And it didn't work out? -Nope.
-You miss it? -Toronto?
-Acting. -Nope.
-Bye, see you tomorrow. -See you, honey.
-Call me tomorrow. -Bye. Yeah.
-Take care! -Bye!
Let's go. Do you think this falls over?
Are you crazy?
Where're you going?
You sure you wanna do this?
Just read him.
What do you mean, read me?
I'm psychic. I see stuff in people.
DAVID: Relax, it's an adventure.
-Is that coke? -It'll loosen you up.
-I don't wanna be loose. -We'll find out what's inside of you.
-There is nothing inside of... -Just one line.
I will if you will.
All right.
That was coke, wasn't it?
-I don't do heroin. -It's all right.
I won't let anything bad happen.
They follow me home.
You know what you're getting into.
Do it.
Lavender blue, dilly, dally
Lavender green
When I am king, dilly, dally
You shall be queen
You, television.
Comic books.
DAVID: Is that all?
-BENITA: He's only 17. -Really!
He wants you.
He's thinking of you right now.
Booze and junk, and he still gets hard.
DAVID: Seventeen.
Do you wanna be left alone?
Why don't you take care of it?
You owe me.
-You got any beer? -Yeah, in the fridge.
-DAVID: That was quick. -Seventeen.
Mind putting him into a cab?
No problem.
He really loves you.
There is no such thing.
-Floors need waxing. -Good for them.
They are filthy.
They are floors, Candy, people walk on them.
It's unavoidable.
Are you, um... Are you working tonight?
Yeah, Saturday night.
-Why? -Mmm, just wondering...
-How was I supposed to know? -We need some Drano.
It's not fair.
Oh, I have to stop off at the liquor store on the way home.
-Olives? -Yeah, I like olives.
Since when?
-Oysters? -Smoked.
Who are you? What have you done with Candy?
Stop it.
You're having someone over?
-I am. -Who is it, the bartender?
-No. -Not the dyke?
-Don't call her that. -It is the dyke!
David, please!
Carpet munching in my own home!
-Oh, shut up, asshole. -Candy...
-You all right? -Fine.
-That girl last night? -Benita.
Yeah, she really read my mind.
What little there was!
-No way. -She knew your real age.
-I'm nearly 18. -No big deal.
What's on the agenda for tonight?
-Actually, I made other plans. -Other plans?
Yeah, something I can't get out of, you know.
Did you leave him because you're a lesbian?
No, I left him because he's a misogynist asshole.
The lesbian thing came later.
-Men! -Yeah.
That's why I like living with David.
I mean, at least fags can kind of relate.
Some people are freaked out by gays and lesbians.
Yeah, well, some people wear polyesters.
You happy?
Sometimes. You?
Everything's changed so much.
I'd always got to leave.
DAVID: You should have come to see me.
Yeah, right.
You okay?
Why is everything so fucking hard?
Not everything, just the important stuff.
Same old bullshit.
Every day, I just go to work,
I meet a girl, get laid, dump her.
Who are you dumping now?
-Linda. -Who's Linda?
Just this chick I fuck sometimes.
I hope you're playing safe.
I think you need to worry about that more than I do.
Same for everybody, Bern.
You think about it that much?
I don't wanna die.
Well, nothing's any fun, if the possibility isn't there.
You mean that?
Sure, do.
You know what I like best about coming up here?
You can spit on the people walking below you.
And they have no idea where it came from.
You are the kind of person who other people watch.
Well, it's the only way to get anything accomplished.
You'd like to sleep with me, wouldn't you?
Very much.
You're beautiful.
No, I'm not.
You thought about it?
I think I'm in love with you.
So, when are you gonna get a real job?
Waiting tables is a respectable profession.
[SCOFFS] It's kids' stuff, David.
Well, at least I work for the money I make.
I always did. Acting's hard work.
Is that why you don't do it anymore?
Acting's not the problem. It's auditioning, I hate it.
Well, it's kinda hard to act if you don't audition.
I just need some time.
You've been back half a year.
Yeah, so?
So, when are you gonna do something with your life?
What, like you?
Work at a job I hate, and fuck women I can't stand?
Fuck you, it's a life.
It's not the kind of life I want.
When are you gonna grow up?
I don't fucking know you anymore.
What do you mean?
I used to know what you thought.
You used to know what I thought.
It's not like that anymore.
What's in your head, David?
What's in your head, Bern?
It's very strong.
You want me to throw another olive in it?
No, I'm okay.
I wanna touch you...
Your hair, your skin...
-Leave it. -No, the machine's not on.
They hung up.
You look scared.
Say something.
Our floors are a mess.
I'm not sure what to do.
I am.
It's chicken night at Play.
Are there any fags here?
Sure. They just don't know it yet.
I guess you've been busy, eh?
Very. Look, Sal, I gotta go. See you.
-You're mad. -No.
Sometimes, I just wanna get laid.
It's okay.
Who jerked me off the other night?
Is that what this is all about?
I can't remember it.
-It was me. -No.
And you liked it.
Go away.
It was Benita.
Let's go to my place.
[SCOFFS] Jesus!
Big, huh?
Where is your father?
Hawaii, getting laid. [CHUCKLES]
I'm definitely over-tipping you.
I love realism, it's so...
Come on, I've got something I wanna show you.
How do you identify one?
Well... They tend to, uh... They tend to specialize, uh,
certain type, certain place,
uh, certain way.
-A certain way of killing? -Yes.
Uh, some take... Souvenirs.
-Souvenirs? -Yes.
Like a talisman...
Uh, hair, jewelry, clothing, other things.
-WOMAN: Well, we are talking today with Dr. Herbert Sohn... -You ready?
...Author of Unique Nightmare:
A History of the Serial Killer in America.
ANNOUNCER: Massey Ferguson and the Canadian
Broadcasting Corporation
presents The Beavertons.
Star, Jonathan Webster
as Sandy
Amy McKillop as Amy.
David McMillan as Toby.
And Jonathan Crowe as Indian Joe.
You're damaged, Kane.
-I thought you'd like it. -You were wrong.
Don't go.
What do you want from me?
I just wanna be your friend.
I don't need another friend.
So, what do you need then?
I need a lover.
I don't think I'm like that.
Like what?
-You're scared of me. -No.
Scared of what you're feeling.
I never met anybody like you before.
Kiss me.
Now, turn around and pull your pants down.
-David... -Do it.
Thinking of me?
I feel close.
[INHALES] Time to sleep.
I need a moment.
There was an extra pair of shoes at the door.
She's sleeping.
Do you ever feel like...
Like you're nothing like anyone else in the world?
Only all the time.
CANDY: Somewhere there is one person waiting for me...
Feeling like me.
There are a lot of people in the world who feel like that.
-I wish... -[PHONE RINGING]
Now? Really?
No... Okay, I'll be there.
I have to go.
Anything important?
[SIGHS] Obligation to a friend.
-You're gonna be okay? -Yeah, I'm gonna be okay.
Sleep in here if you want.
-Later. -Later.
Can't sleep with me?
Oh, well, it's always been a problem.
I'll go.
Call me?
Okay, bitch.
Now, I'm gonna show you
how to act like a real woman.
Get real, asshole.
Watch your fucking mouth.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Just what the hell is going on here?
I was just having a little fun.
I'll show you fun, boy.
Please, don't hurt me.
I was reading this book about John Wayne Gacy.
He was this guy who put these dead boys
in a crawl space and covered them with lime.
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Benita, I just ate.
I love reading about that kind of stuff.
-Is that healthy? -Is anything anymore?
Watching Herb get off on the cowboy stick sure wasn't.
At least, he was paying for it.
Not forcing it on someone who wasn't into it.
You were very good.
Very believable.
He could've been my father, your father.
My father was never that gentle.
You got colors.
I have never seen that kind of stuff around you.
What is it?
For me?
I can't tell.
Maybe, for somebody you love.
Fat chance.
Be careful.
Always am.
-Some wonderful writing. -Thanks.
Why do you, uh, hate everything?
You haven't read anything recently
that you really love?
Oh! Haven't I?
I think that's a challenge. Write about something you really love...
Five hundred words.
Or make the things you hate more interesting.
Hey, big guy, I'm at the office.
I just called to see what you're up to.
Uh, give me a call when you get in.
My parents aren't home, if you wanna come up.
Well, um, it's late.
I have to work in the morning.
So, maybe it's only possible to get what you need from a series of people.
-I treated them both badly. -So, go apologize.
To who? To Jerri?
To whoever you wanna try again with.
CANDY: Why don't you have some dessert?
Uh, actually, I've kinda double-booked myself.
Who is it?
I'll see you later and you'll get the check.
Why don't you stay? We're just having a drink.
Thanks, no, I'll find something better to do.
Hi. I'm not chasing you away, am I?
Whatever gave you that idea?
Ooh, she is a cunt.
-Do you have a condom? -A what?
A condom.
-Yeah. -Oh!
Oh, no!
I'm okay.
Yeah? Are you sure?
I promise.
Okay, just this once.
-Yeah? -Okay.
Hello, this is Robert,
I can't come to the phone,
so, please leave a message.
WOMAN: Hi, Robert.
You're not in again.
You sure must be busy.
Anyway, Sally sends kisses and says "hi".
Call me. I miss you, Robert.
-Sally? -[PHONE BEEPS]
It's a couple of friends.
Good friends?
-Hi! -Hey!
-Good to see you. -You too.
-You're out of here? -DAVID: Yeah.
Have fun.
You too.
Did you come?
It was great.
Did you come?
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
DAVID ON ANSWERING MACHINE: right now, but then, neither are you.
CANDY: Perhaps, if you were, we would be too.
JERRI: Hi, Candy.
I've got an extra ticket to the Karen Young concert tonight.
Call me if you're free.
I found this earing in the carpet.
That's weird.
Whose is it?
No idea.
You got a lot of girlfriends, Robert?
Oh, millions. [CHUCKLES]
So take my hand
Take my whole life through
Can't help falling
Falling, falling for you
'Cause I can't help
Falling in love
-ROBERT: There's no such thing. -[CHUCKLES]
What about it?
CANDY: Do you think it works?
I think it...
It probably changes things.
Excuse me.
Do you gift-wrap?
It's what we live for.
Hi, David, it's Sal.
Look, I know you probably won't
wanna return this phone call,
but I thought I should tell you.
My sinuses have been bothering me a lot lately, so I went to the doctor.
Seems I missed you again.
Are you ever home?
Call me.
MAN: Come on. Throw it! Throw it!
Throw it, come on! Throw the ball!
Throw the ball! Throw the ball!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
What a pleasant surprise! What's the occasion?
I've been home.
Sure, long enough to leave half your hair in the tub
and steal four of my condoms.
-[BEEPS] -I think I'm in love.
Hi, David, it's Sal.
-Look I know... -[STOPS PLAYING]
Great. Maybe he'll clean the tub and replace my condoms.
You're cranky.
-DAVID: Slightly. -Well, get over it.
He's coming here.
-Tonight. -Candy, no.
Darling, we're talking about a potential
future husband here.
Who'd marry you?
Lots of people!
Like the psychotic bush bumper on the answering machine?
-Don't! -Sorry.
-You tell this guy I take it in the face? -Yes.
Should I wear a dress or my kneepads?
Just be yourself!
Which one?
You get it, I'm preening.
It's too early.
David, the paperboy's here.
DAVID: What?
Kane, my roommate Candy. Candy, my busboy Kane.
Oh. Hi.
This isn't a bad time or anything, is it?
Well, Candy's intended is about to arrive.
Oh, don't be silly.
Come in, come in.
KANE: Sure.
Excuse me, I have to go, um...
Try on everything I own.
Nice girl.
Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me.
I never met anyone born after 1965 who wasn't incomplete somehow.
Why's that?
Microwave ovens, I think.
You scare me.
I'm far too old for you.
-I know. -You've got a million things
you gotta do that I couldn't consider experiencing again.
I wanna be like you.
No, you don't.
-Yeah, I do. -No, you don't.
Bad timing, huh?
It's okay, I should go.
Can we talk?
You promise?
Who was that?
We're not sure yet.
-Liar! -Hey!
Liar! You pervert!
MAN: What is wrong with you? WOMAN: What's wrong? What's wrong?
MAN: Hey! Would you watch... God damn it, would you calm down for Christ's sake?
WOMAN: You're going to jail!
That's Reming...
REPORTER: Our station has just
been informed that the police
have vital information
that's being withheld from the public.
There are certain pertinent facts
about the crime
that we can't release to the public.
It's standard procedure.
Is it true that each of
the victims was found missing an ear...
CANDY: He should have been here half an hour ago.
Maybe it's car trouble.
He doesn't live that far.
Foot trouble.
Arrange thyself enticingly on the futon.
I'll let "The Dick of Death" in.
Prince charming!
I'm Jerri.
Of course you are.
-Oh, do come in. -Thank you.
-Thanks. -Mmm-hmm.
Oh, Candy.
-Tea? Beer? -Tea.
-This isn't a bad time, is it? -Not at all.
-What's this? -It's for your birthday.
-My birthday was six months ago. -I missed it. Open it.
A gift? How festive!
All out of tea.
Sit, sit.
-So... Candy tells me you're a lesbian. -David.
That's right.
I'm queer myself.
-I know. -[CHUCKLES]
Well, we seem to have exhausted that particular topic.
So, uh,
Candy tells me you used to be on TV.
For a minute. Waiting tables is so much more challenging.
-Hey, it takes a certain kind of person to wait tables. -You've no idea.
People ordering Thousand Island dressing on their Caesar salads.
Some nights I can't sleep.
Anyhow, I'm sure you two have a zillion things
you need to talk about, so...
I'm out of here!
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -DAVID: I'll get it!
Who could that be?
You're David.
You're late.
I know.
Oh, Candy...
-I got this long-distance call. -I see.
-I'm Jerri. -Robert.
I'm a friend of Candy's.
-Me too. -Great.
It's a...
It's a real nice apartment.
DAVID: Thanks.
It's a real nice tofu.
It's called futon.
Uh, futon. Right.
Weren't you going out?
No. You crazy?
Whose present?
It's Candy's.
Are you gonna open it?
-No, really. -Come on, Candy.
-Please. -No.
ROBERT: It's only a present. JERRI: Yes.
CANDY: Really, I don't... JERRI: It's for you.
Look, I don't want the fucking thing!
It's nothing much.
That's okay, Jerri.
I think you should apologize.
I'm sorry.
This isn't a good time.
I just wanna talk.
Well, I can't.
-The lady brought you a gift! -Stay out of this!
-She's your friend! -She's not!
I have seen her a few times.
-We slept together. -Don't listen to her!
Candy, I love you.
-No, you don't. -I can't stop thinkin' about you.
-You're crazy. -Please, take the present.
-No! -I bought it for you.
-I don't care! -I don't want it!
-Well, neither do I! -What is it?
Shut up!
Can we please calm down?
This will come back on you.
-It will! -DAVID: Girls, girls.
What we did was real.
It wasn't.
Sorry I was so late.
Who cares.
I'll go.
Sorry you couldn't stay for coffee or liquors.
-Nice to meet you. -You too.
Here's to love... all its many forms.
Do you ever get tired of being a professional faggot?
-You have nothing and no one in your life. -I have what I need.
You don't think past the next beer or the next fuck!
At least, I'm honest about it.
Honest? Please! You've never been honest.
You've been lying about your feelings for so long,
they don't even exist anymore.
Why? 'Cause they're not your feelings?
-At least, I'm willing to try. -For anyone who comes along.
That guy might have loved me!
-You're pathetic, Candy. -You fuck everything up.
When are you gonna stop blaming me for everything that's wrong in your life?
When are you going to admit you were never a good actor?
When you admit you're in love with a faggot because it's the only way you feel safe!
-Shut up. -I don't need you, Candy.
I don't need anybody!
Oh, yeah, and you call me pathetic!
SAL ON ANSWERING MACHINE: I know you probably won't wanna return this phone call,
but I thought I should tell you.
My sinuses have been bothering me a lot lately, so I went to the doctor.
And I got the virus.
Not the disease, just the... Just the virus.
I know everything we did was low risk.
I just... I wanted you to know.
BERNIE: I'm not in. Machine.
Message and beep.
Hi, it's me.
Let's talk.
Get in.
The mother works the graveyard shift.
The babysitter stays over.
Every night,
she goes through the same routine.
Hate me?
Something's different tonight.
I'm wearing underwear.
It's busted.
What's this?
Is it one of those nonsense on the bedpost kinda things?
You could say that.
He's been there when she put the kids to bed.
He killed the dog
and took its place.
It was his head she patted.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
She'll do us both.
You've got to go.
Somebody's coming over.
Somebody scary.
Just leave.
-Hello? -WOMAN: Who's this?
Who is this?
His wife, you stupid cunt.
You want to know something about him, lady?
Jesus! Am I stupid?
We've been separated for five months. She can't let go.
Well, I can.
-Candy, I was gonna tell you. -When?
Well, as soon as you told me about your fucking girlfriend!
No. You know something? You're a prick.
-Bitch! -[GASPS]
Candy, I'm sorry.
I could kill you for that.
I love you.
Why don't you take your top off?
I think you'd rather do it for me.
Fucking right.
Jesus, Bernie!
Relax, man.
She's no one.
She's someone.
-Let her go. -Relax, David!
What do you think I'm gonna do?
It's just gonna be sex, right?
Something wet,
something warm,
-something red. -Red?
I'll show you, David.
I'll show you what it's like.
You'll know what I know.
Did you get what you want?
Get him out of here.
Let's do details.
Mr. Fucking Movie Star.
Mr. Big Shot Fag!
-You know him! -No.
You know him. [GRUNTS]
Ooh, he likes to go in right here,
get wet and wiggle around.
Let her go.
It's warm.
-She's my friend. -I'm your friend, David!
Your only friend!
Let her go!
-I'm sorry. -Go after him.
-You need a doctor. I'll call and wait for an ambulance. -Find him!
Get out!
-Get out of my house! -Stop it.
-Get the fuck out of my house, you fuck! -Stop.
-Get... -Stop it!
-Get out! -Stop it!
-Stop! -Fuck you!
No, fuck you!
-I was honest with you! -Well, so was I!
Like hell! All you wanted was a quick fuck!
I could kill you for that.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Do you know what it's like
loving someone who can't love you in the same way?
I'm sorry.
Do you think I'm fat?
I think you're beautiful.
I always have.
[GASPS] Oh, what are you doing here?
Waiting for David.
Why didn't you use the door?
You had company.
-Let's talk! -Bernie!
-You never liked me. -Get off of me!
Women never like me!
-It's because he's ugly! -[SOBS]
-He's very ugly. -Who?
Him! Me and David!
He knows now!
He met him.
He met him a long time ago.
He's at the base of my brain,
on top of my spine.
He can smell you inside.
He wants to taste you.
Kane, call the police.
It's getting cold.
You are the one.
They were hairdressers and secretaries for Christ's sake.
-They were people. -Yeah.
Like you fucking care about people?
-I'm gonna stop you. -How?
You gonna kill me?
What are you talking about?
No one can make me pay for this.
What happened to you?
-I changed when you left me. -I didn't leave you.
Yes, you did.
You left me here all by myself.
I had to try.
You didn't fucking try!
You've always done the easiest thing.
You never had to work to get people to remember you.
You've done stuff,
you've been on TV.
You did it for you, David.
Because I wanna be like you.
Because it's all I could do.
Serial killer and his best friend.
Base of my brain, top of my spine, boom!
You should remember that.
You're gonna remember me most, David.
Bernie, you're sick.
I'm sick?
[SCOFFS] I'm sick?
I'll get you help.
Help me!
What about everyone else?
What about you?
What about everything?
I love you, David.
CANDY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi. David and I can't get to the phone right now.
Uh, leave us a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.
Thanks. Bye.
Uh, I guess I missed you.
Um, I'm gonna be home all day, so, uh,
if you wanna call me when you get back, you can, uh,
tell me how it went, whatever.
Anyway, break a leg, baby.
So they're gonna make me a waiter.
Hey, good for you, Kane.
-Hey. -Hey.
-You gonna read? -CANDY: Yes, he's gonna read.
How are ya?
I'm alive.
-Call me. -Sure.
We'll talk.
Oh, uh...
I hope I get the part.
I can't do it.
-Yes, you can. -You have to, David.
-Will you wait for me? -We'll just be having a coffee.
You'll be great.
Blow them away.
Now, get in there.
I love you.
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help
Falling in love
With you
Let me stay
Could it be such a sin
If I can't help
Falling in love
With you
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things
They were meant to be
Oh... Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Honey, so it goes
Some things
Oh, they were meant to be
So take my hand
Take my whole life through
Oh, I can't help
Falling, falling for you
'Cause I can't help
Falling in love