Love Kills (2023) Movie Script

(dramatic music)
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(glass shattering)
(engine humming)
(door clattering)
- Fuck him.
Does he know he's dealing with?
We agreed on a price
on those condos,
and they're going up with or
without his fucking permission.
And you can tell Juan I will
personally fly down there
and shove my size-11
Gucci straight up his ass
if this deal goes sideways.
(door clattering)
- God, what the fuck
are you doing here?
- I saw that shithead's
car wasn't in the driveway,
so I let myself in.
- You can't just walk
into someone else's house
whenever you feel
like it, you idiot.
- You are my daughter.
- Stepdaughter, and
that is not by choice.
- Your mother's in the car
fucking worried sick about you.
She wants to know when
you're coming home.
- I am home.
- You guys are a bunch
of fucking slobs.
- Get out.
- Cute panties.
- God, I said get out.
- Your mother and I are headed
to the Keys for the week.
- Oh, God, get
away from my stuff.
(hand thudding)
Is that where your
funeral's being held?
Because if it is,
then count me in.
Now, get the fuck out.
- Listen to me,
you little bitch.
If you wanna keep getting
that money every month
from your mother,
which is my money,
we're gonna have to work
out a little arrangement.
- I'm curious what my mother
would think about that,
you pathetic perv.
- Do you think your
mother's gonna believe
an antidepressant,
pill-popping junkie,
who sits around all day
drawing broken hearts
and fucking her geriatric
ex-con boyfriend?
- He's only 40, and he was
in prison a long time ago.
- He is ancient.
- You're disgusting.
+- You know what I
think is disgusting?
I think fucking a
card-carrying member
of AARP falls into
that category.
- He's not a member of AARP.
What's AARP?
- I think your mother's gonna
believe her distinguished,
multi-millionaire boyfriend.
Your poor father
is probably rolling
around in his grave right now.
- Don't you fucking dare
talking about my father.
- The man is dead three years.
Get over it.
- [Erin] Lindsey, What
the hell is going on?
- [Barry] Honey, I just asked
her to put on some clothes
and just wanted to know
when she was coming home.
- He's lying, mom.
He's a fucking liar.
He came in here-
- We need to talk
to her doctor and see if
you can up her dosage.
These outbreaks have to stop.
- Wait.
- Mom, no, okay?
He came in here staring
at me all weird.
He was talking-
- Lindsey.
- about Dad again.
- Lindsey, Lindsey.
- When we get back from
the Keys, let's take a ride
to the doctor and see
if he can give you
something stronger than Prozac.
- It's him, mom.
It's not me.
- [Barry] Sweetheart,
I know it's been tough
since your father's been gone,
and I'm not trying
to replace him.
- Just get the fuck out, God.
- Okay.
- Go, Mom.
(door slamming)
(Lindsey sighs)
(Lindsey sobbing)
(doorbell ringing)
(latch clicking)
- Hello, ma'am.
- Sorry, we don't want any.
- I'm not here to sell
anything but the gift of God.
(Lindsey sighs)
- The gift of God?
- You are a sinner.
- Well, my asshole stepfather
and mother sure think so.
- Well, well, look,
I, I was a sinner.
And it wasn't until I met Simon
that God came down and
laid his hands upon me.
And, well, now, now,
I see the light.
He is the truth, you know.
- Look, my family's Jewish.
- What the fuck does that
have to do with anything?
- Simon.
- So was Jesus Christ.
He was the king of Jews,
and he was also a sinner.
How 'bout we leave you
with something to read?
- What, the Bible?
- (laughs) No, no, ma'am,
just some scripture
I think you'll enjoy.
- Uh, speaking of enjoyment,
have you ever seen
"Jesus Christ Superstar"?
It, it's the movie,
not the play.
- Can't say it's on my
Netflix watch list, no.
- Well, I mean, it is a musical
about Jesus, Jesus. (laughs)
- Sounds very
entertaining, okay?
I'm making a mental
note right now, okay?
Got it.
- Oh, great, great.
Well, what we'll do is
check back with you,
and well, I mean,
maybe we can come over
and watch it together sometime.
- Look, if I promise to
read your stupid scripture
and watch your Jesus
Christ pop star thing,
will you please promise
to leave me alone?
- [Tabitha] Well, I'll promise
to come and check in on you,
that's for sure.
- No, no, that's okay.
Goodbye, thank you.
- but you might be lonely.
I, I, I don't mind being your-
- No.
- your spiritual-
- No.
- like, bestie.
Come on.
You know I'm right
(vocalist singing
in foreign language)
You know that I don't wanna
be with somebody less refined
Need more than love,
you ain't enough
Now sorry, gonna, got
away, gotta love, a love
Need a little crazy bitch,
a body, or your baby
Oh, (indistinct),
you're my one and only
Yeah, I'ma find,
make you mine, mine
Make me feel that
I, I, I, yeah
After I be losing all my
mind, mind, mind, yeah
You make me feel
that I, I, I, yeah
After I be losing all my
mind, mind, mind, yeah
Not only 'cause I've
been 'round the world
If you wanna play
low love Oh, oh, oh
Of love, if you wanna feel
the love, the love, love
Oh, you know I'm right
(vocalist singing
in foreign language)
You know that
(pills rattling)
I don't wanna be with
somebody less refined
Need more than love,
you ain't enough
Now, sorry, gonna, got
away, gotta love, a love
(bottle clanking)
Hurry, gonna, got away,
gotta love, a love
I, I, I, yeah
After be be losing all
my mind, mind, mind, yeah
You make me feel
that I, I, I, yeah
After be losing all my
mind, mind, mind, yeah
Not only 'cause I've
been 'round the world
(feet shuffling)
(bottle thudding)
- Hey, baby.
- When'd you start
to party without me?
(Lindsey laughs)
(gentle music)
You're amazing.
- No, you are.
- [Hunter] Damn, you
make me feel alive.
(lips smacking)
- Can I ask you a question
without you getting mad?
- Oh, God, what is it now?
- If I'm so amazing, then
why did you cheat on me?
- (sighs) Oh, my God,
babe, that was months ago,
and I didn't cheat on you.
- Really?
Then, what do you call
sticking your face
between a pair of
gigantic tits then?
(Hunter laughs)
- A momentary lapse in judgment.
Anyway, I was at a strip club.
- What does that even mean?
- When in Rome, you know?
(Lindsey sighs)
Anyway, I was coerced.
- Coerced?
You do know what that
word means, right?
- Oh, I know what it means.
- 'Kay, then who was it then?
Who coerced you?
- A guy named Jack Daniels.
- (sighs) God, you're
such a fucking asshole.
(Hunter laughs)
I'm gonna take a shower.
- All right, but hurry up.
We got people coming
over in an hour.
- Shit.
- Oh, don't tell me you
forgot about the party.
- (sighs) I know.
I, I guess it was just the gin.
- No, gimme a break.
Every time there's a problem,
you either hit the bottle,
or you're popping pills.
What is it this time?
(Lindsey sighs)
- Look, I don't wanna
talk about it, okay?
(gentle music continues)
- You know, communication goes
a long way in a relationship.
You may wanna try it sometime.
(notebook rasping)
(paper rustling)
Time will save her
- [Lindsey] Were
you looking at this?
- What?
(notebook thudding)
- [Lindsey] Were you looking
through my sketch pad?
- Sorry, I didn't know
it was off limits.
It's not like it's a
diary or something.
And what's with all
the broken hearts
and the fuck love crap?
What do you have
against love anyway?
I thought we were in love.
- I did, too.
- But what?
- Love is an antiquated emotion.
Look around you.
One minute, a couple's in love,
posting all over social media,
and the next, they're bashing
each other and breaking up.
(door clattering)
In today's world,
saying I love you is
like saying hello and goodbye.
It doesn't mean anything.
- Well, that's because
social media sucks,
and it makes people feel numb.
Your generation,
you guys don't know
how to deal with
everyday emotion.
Personally, I could
do without it.
Oh, and love still means
something to me, by the way.
- Really?
- Of course.
- But you've been
married twice before.
- So?
- So didn't you ever tell one
of them that you love them?
- Well, yeah, I did, of course,
but you know it's just-
- But what?
You didn't mean it?
(hand thudding)
- Hey, you are the
only girl that I love.
- You do understand how it
seems to me, though, right?
- (sighs) You don't
trust anybody.
That's the problem.
- People earn trust, and
when they violate it,
it takes time to get it back.
- Lindsey, you are the
only girl that I love.
- Okay, so what does
love mean to you?
(Hunter laughing)
- You're gonna ask me
the meaning of love?
- No, I'm asking you
your meaning of love.
- I don't know.
It's, uh, it's this
feeling you get, you know.
When you love somebody,
you just know.
- That's it?
That's your answer?
- [Hunter] Well, yeah.
- That fucking sucked.
(Hunter laughs)
- [Hunter] What's
wrong with you?
- You just proved my
point that love's a joke.
- Babe, listen.
I am not going to cheat on you.
I am 40 years old.
You're gonna lecture me on love?
What was the last relationship
you had before us,
six months?
- That doesn't mean that
statistics are wrong.
50% of all marriages
end in divorce.
Do you know why?
- Okay.
- So I'm preparing myself
for the inevitable.
(Hunter laughs)
- What a miserable outlook.
Babe, I am not going
to cheat on you.
- I'm just being realistic,
and there are lots of
ways to cheat, okay,
not just physical.
- So what does love mean to you?
- It's pretty simple.
Love comes down to
two things, okay?
Discipline and loyalty.
If you truly love someone,
you'll have the discipline
to fight off any desires
that come your way.
Having the loyalty to do that
and stick with the one person
that you're invested in,
that is what it's all about.
- Babe, I'll be honest.
For somebody with minimal
relationship experience,
you do have a solid point.
The thing is, when you're
dealing with human emotion,
it's really not
that cut and dry.
- It is for me.
(Hunter laughs)
- Listen, I love you.
Can you grasp that concept?
- There's something
I need to know.
(suspenseful music)
- Okay, shoot.
- Would you die for me?
- Yes.
- Good, because I
feel the same way.
But here's the real question.
- What is it?
- Would you kill for me?
- Yeah, I would kill for you.
I mean, we go camping,
a bear comes charging
outta the woods, you know
I'm gonna put two bullets
in that thing's head.
- Hunter.
- I got you, babe.
- Hunter, no.
Would you kill another
human being for me?
- Are you seriously
asking me that question?
(suspenseful music continues)
- [Lindsey] I want us to kill
someone at the party tonight.
- So let me get this straight.
You want me to kill someone
to prove my love to you?
Have you gone completely
batshit crazy?
This, this girl's
fucking crazy, man.
Fucking dealing with this
bullshit all the time.
Now, she wants to
fucking kill somebody.
I just fucking,
(lid clanking)
my life's a fucking
mess right now.
Fucking bullshit, man.
(bottle thudding)
(Hunter laughs)
Stupid fucking bullshit,
every day something new.
(Hunter sighs)
(suspenseful music continues)
(Hunter gulps)
(Hunter exhales)
I can't kill anyone.
(Hunter sniffing)
Ah, you know what?
I'm gonna close my eyes.
(switch clicking)
Spin around.
If I finally hit a fucking
bullseye after doing that,
I'm in.
If not, I am out.
(Hunter sniffing)
(feet shuffling)
(Hunter exhaling)
(dart thudding)
Ah, you gotta be kidding me.
I never get a bullseye.
Now, I get a bullseye?
This is fucking bullshit, man.
(Hunter sighs)
(footsteps plodding)
- Hey.
Wow, well, you finally
got a bullseye.
- Yeah, finally got a bullseye.
I'm tired of the good times
in life dragging me down
I need a pick-me-up,
yeah, to get me up
Get me back on the ground
Oh, I miss the nights of doing
dumb shit out on the town
With my high school friends
- Dad, this is Lindsey
and her boyfriend, Hunter.
It's their party.
Figured I should
introduce you guys,
especially 'cause you and
Hunter are about the same age.
- Well, all right,
all right, all right.
- Nice to meet you.
- It's a pleasure.
- You look so familiar.
Do you go to the Publix
on Anderson Boulevard?
- Nah.
My assistant does all
my shopping for me,
whole foods,
plant-based, mostly.
Gotta keep this
bod looking fresh.
- Wow, assistant, must be nice.
- Oh, honey, I need my world,
it's all about appearances.
- You're a very interesting man.
- Well, all right,
all right, all right.
One more Wild Turkey before
I hit the road in my Lincoln
and peace outta here.
- [Jeremy] Dad, do
you have a Volkswagen.
- Anyway, it's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance,
young lady.
(lips smacking)
Thank you kindly for
your hospitality.
- God, he's so smooth.
- Smooth?
He clearly has
psychological problems.
- It's the MS.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
My uncle's got MS.
- No way, your uncle think
he's Matthew McConaughey?
- Matthew McConaughey, what
the hell are you talking about?
My uncle's got
multiple sclerosis.
- Oh, my dad has the other MS.
- There's another MS?
- McConaughey syndrome.
It's when someone thinks
they're Matthew McConaughey.
It's very popular in
Texas, well, certain parts.
- Jeremy, go away.
- But-
- Go.
Surrounded by nut jobs.
(upbeat music)
(Maci exhales)
Oh, my God, look
at those things.
- You're an asshole.
(hands thudding)
- Where the hell are you going?
I feel like I'm
losing my mind
Is everybody in
the world blind
(door slamming)
(Lindsey exhales)
- What the fuck?
Is that what you want?
You want her?
Well, you can have her
and her big fucking tits
because Lindsey
doesn't need anyone,
not you, not you, and not you.
(upbeat music continues)
No one.
Lift off
(door clattering)
(feet shuffling)
- Sorry. Are you okay?
- I'm better than okay.
I'm Lindsey.
(footsteps plodding)
(door squeaking)
Oh, I'll just keep one open
The inferno will
stop smoking
You just gotta wait for
the flames to freeze
We'll give our love
another try at 32 degrees
I'll be honest
- Babe, I was just
gonna tell you.
- If you ever disrespect
me like that again,
I will take a knife,
and I will cut your
little testicles off.
Oh, I'll just keep one open
(lips smacking)
The inferno will
stop smoking
- Why would you say that?
- Because I'll do it.
- No, I mean, why
would you say little?
- Okay, okay, you
guys, quiet, quiet.
I have a toast.
Here's to testing negative,
(laughs) staying positive,
burying my face in
those big, beautiful,
bodacious tatas,
whoo. (laughing)
I declare today
National Tata Day.
(liquid sloshing)
(cups clattering)
(lips smacking)
(Trevor exhales)
(cups clattering)
(water splashing)
- God, she is so desperate.
(Trevor laughing)
- What makes you say that?
- (laughs) Look at her.
(both laughing)
God, I've never seen anyone
who has to be in a
relationship so badly.
You know she just broke up
with her boyfriend yesterday?
- Maybe she gets lonely.
A lotta people like to
be in a relationship.
- I just feel bad for her.
Trevor's a douche.
- Ah, the kid just
likes to have fun.
(burps erupting)
- No, he's a douche.
- Excuse me. (laughs)
- (laughing) Yeah, he is.
All right, the Jew crew made it.
I thought you yentas
weren't coming.
(hands smacking)
- Where are the fucking
strippers and the blow?
- What?
- What, did you guys
lie about that, too?
Well, is there at least
some fucking spinach dip?
- What's wrong with him?
- You know how hard it
is to get that bastard
out of his office?
We had to tell him the Beastie
Boys were playing here.
- (laughs) The Beastie Boys?
- He caught on, so we told him
you had some coke and strippers.
- And he liked that better.
- Such a degenerate. (laughs)
- Well, how's life in the
criminal defense world?
- Ah, you win some,
you lose some.
- We wanna be
criminal prosecutors.
- Prosecutors,
what the hell for?
- (laughing) 'Cause prosecutors
win 98% of their cases.
- Yeah, but they don't
make the cash you guys do.
- Yeah, but we lost the
last 32 cases we had,
not easy to get good clients.
(Hunter exhales)
- Damn.
Well, go get yourself a drink.
I'm sure everything's
gonna work out, bro.
You know where everything's at.
(snacks crunching)
(playful music)
- These are fucking
good, fucking good, bro.
(snacks crunching)
Holy shit, this fucking dip
here is fucking unbelievable.
(snacks crunching)
Fuck yeah.
The fuck (mumbling)?
(mumbling) fucking things,
fucking motherfucker.
(snacks crunching)
Chips are fucking good.
(snacks crunching)
(playful music continues)
Fucking amazing.
I love these chips.
(awe-inspiring music)
(festive music)
(Manny snoring)
(Maci laughing)
(festive music continues)
(Maci exhales)
- What's your name?
- They call me Manny.
- Oh.
(teeth clanking)
- That is the craziest
shit I have ever seen.
(Hunter laughs)
- Manny used to be the
quarterback in high school.
He'd fall asleep right
before throwing a touchdown.
People would go nuts.
- [Lindsey] When's the
last time you've seen him?
- Years.
We don't always get along.
- Look at that.
The kid's still got it.
- So how are you
guys brothers again?
- Half brothers, but
I got the good half.
- Same dad, different mom.
- And you're the same age?
- Actually, I'm a year older.
- Why do you look so shocked?
- Uh, just-
- Just what?
- He just looks so much younger.
- 'Cause I exfoliate
sometimes twice a day.
Have you tried Dior Capture?
It's so expensive
but so worth it.
- What? I don't see anything.
- Exactly, no wrinkles.
My mom gave me that
smooth Cuban skin.
(festive music continues)
- Where is your mother from?
- The hell is that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing, I'm
just curious, baby.
(Manny laughs)
- Hunter's mom is a Sasquatch.
(Manny snoring)
- A what?
- You know, a Bigfoot.
- (laughs) Bigfoot my ass.
(Manny laughing)
- Love you, bro.
Hey, I'm gonna get
back to the lady, okay?
Talk in a bit.
- Oh, I love him.
We are definitely
not killing him.
- Maybe we shouldn't
kill anybody.
- Well, I think we should
kill Maci or your fat friend
who ate all the dip.
You know, no, it should be Maci.
Can you imagine going through
life feeling so empty?
We can always get more dip.
- But how about,
instead of killing her,
we get her tickets to the
next Tony Robbins seminar?
- Who's Tony Robbins?
- Who's Tony Robbins?
Only the most influential
motivational speaker there is,
that's all.
- So he's like Harry Potter?
(Hunter laughs)
- How is Harry Potter
like Tony Robbins?
- Haven't you ever seen
"Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows: Part 2,"
the one where Harry
destroys Voldemort?
- Mm, might've missed that one.
- Well, you said this Tony guy
is really motivating, right?
Well, I get motivated
and inspired
every time I see Harry
destroy Voldemort.
(Hunter laughs)
It's amazing.
- Yeah, not the same thing.
- I just wanna know
what it feels like.
- To kill Voldemort?
- Well, yeah, that too,
but mostly how it feels
to kill someone together.
Heard it's a crazy orgasm.
- You heard?
Who have you been talking to?
- You know what I mean.
You wanna go outside?
- Nah, think I'm just gonna
chill here and have a drink.
- 'Kay, see you soon.
(festive music continues)
(mellow music)
- [Maci] Hello,
handsome. (laughs)
- What are you doing?
- [Maci] Just came
to say hi. (laughs)
Oh, my God, this is a
really good party. (laughs)
- Yes, it is.
(mellow music continues)
- [Maci] Where's Lindsey?
- She went outside, but
she's like the Terminator.
She'll be back.
- Are you guys okay?
- Uh-huh.
- I don't know.
She seems really
preoccupied today.
(lips smacking)
Did she ever find out about us?
- There was no us.
It was one night.
(Maci laughing)
- Liar, you lying. (laughing)
- And if she ever did find
out, she would do something.
- Oh, come on.
Oh, my God, this song.
- You really shouldn't
be sitting here.
(Maci exhales)
- Why?
We are just friends.
- Because you know how
jealous Lindsey gets.
(lips smacking)
- Well, if you want
to party later,
I have some really
good blow in my purse.
- Okay.
(Maci laughs)
(Hunter exhaling)
Manny, Manny.
Get over here, man.
Get over here.
Get over here.
- I'm busy over here.
- Bro, I have a huge fucking
problem, and I need help.
- What is it?
- Lindsey is fucking nuts.
- Yeah, most hot girls are.
- No, I mean, batshit crazy,
off-her-rocker type of nuts.
- Yeah, no shit.
(hand thudding)
- No, you don't understand.
She wants me and her to
kill someone together.
- Wait.
What are you talking about?
- Exactly what I just said.
She wants me and her to
kill someone together
to prove our love
to one another.
Is that completely
fucking insane?
- Hold on, hold on.
Lemme see if I understand this.
Your girlfriend wants you and
her to kill someone together
so that you can prove
your love to each other?
- Yes, that is exactly
what I'm telling you.
- Wow, that's, that's
a lot to digest.
(Hunter exhales)
I mean, that's one of
the most romantic things
I've ever heard.
- I know, right?
Wait, what?
- Yeah, I mean, yeah,
it's crazy, but you know,
there's a certain
Shakespearean element to it.
(Hunter laughs)
- Did you not just
hear what I said?
She wants us to kill someone,
as in murder, homicide,
life in prison.
- Yeah, yeah, I heard you,
and obviously, I'm not saying
you should do it.
I'm just saying you gotta
admit it's, uh, it's one
of the most romantic
things I've ever heard.
That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah, romantic, right, but
what the fuck should I do?
- Well, just break up with her.
(Hunter laughs)
- Break up?
15 minutes ago, the
crazy bitch threatened
to cut my nuts off 'cause I
was staring at Maci's tits.
- You saw Maci's tits?
Did you touch 'em?
Are they fake? Are they real?
Oh, my God, I love
love big titties.
- Shut the fuck up.
I have a serious problem here.
I did touch Maci's, but they
did look pretty spectacular.
- Yeah, I bet they did.
- They were so nice.
- Oh, my God.
- They were right in my face.
- I just wanna waterboard them.
(Hunter exhaling)
- God.
(lips fluttering)
Do it for me, bro.
- I got you.
- Do it for me.
- Well, I'm gonna go find her.
Don't worry about your girl.
Just she's crazy.
She's not gonna really
go through with it.
- Don't fall asleep.
- Yeah, I never do.
(mellow music continues)
- Holy shit, babe.
You just scared
the shit outta me.
Where were you?
- I was right over
there watching you.
- Wow, you're like a
chameleon, just blend right in.
How long were you
standing there for?
- So what were
you talking about?
- Nothing.
- Really?
'Cause I got sworn
I heard Maci's name.
- Maci?
No, I don't think so.
(mellow music continues)
- Why are you so nervous, babe?
Come here.
- Not nervous, just, just tired.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
You having fun?
- Lots of it.
- That's great.
I was thinking maybe we should
watch "Harry Potter: Part 2,"
the moment with Voldemort.
You like that movie, right?
We could watch it after tonight.
- You hate "Harry Potter."
I've tried to get you watch
it, like, 5,000 times.
You said no.
- No, it's not that.
I, I wanna broaden my horizons
a little bit more.
- Look, I think
we're just gonna be a little
bit busy with other stuff.
You know?
(mellow music continues)
You asleep?
- Huh?
No. Why?
- Does this weird thing
with your brother run
in the family or something?
- No. Why?
I fell asleep?
- I don't know.
You just.
- No, it can't be.
Anyway, uh, I think-
- What is wrong
with you right now?
- Nothing.
- Why are you acting so weird?
- I'm thirsty.
I think I need a drink.
That's what, I do,
maybe two, maybe a shot.
Could you get me a shot?
That'd be really helpful.
- Fine.
(partygoers chattering
(upbeat music)
- [Manny] Hi, can I
get a cosmo please?
- A cosmo for your date?
- [Manny] No, for me.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
What's wrong with a cosmo?
- [Bartender] And for you?
- Put on a nice Wild
Turkey for me, babe.
- [Bartender] Gotcha.
(glasses clinking)
- There's a lot of fine
Bettys here tonight.
- What's a Betty?
- You know, honeys,
dimes, babes.
- Oh, yeah, there sure are.
- Hey, wait a second.
I know you, man.
You're the guy from
that Spanish dance show,
the one that would (snores)
nod off all the time.
- Yeah, that was me.
It was canceled a
few seasons ago.
- Oh, what was the
name of it again?
- In English, it translates
to "Dance Like You Mean It."
- Right, right, right.
Man, I used to jack off to
that show every Friday night,
mostly for the Latin babes
in them little shorts.
Say, I got a question for ya.
All the guy dancers on that
show, they were gay, right?
- What? No, no.
I was on that show.
- I know.
That's why I'm asking you.
- What was your name again?
- The name's Harold, but
my friends call me Matthew.
- That's an interesting jump.
How do you go from
Harold to Matthew?
- Well, howdy doody.
How do you go from
the Earth to the Moon?
You just do.
You know, the only
thing I didn't like
about that show was
the actual dancing.
- What was wrong
with the dancing?
- You know, it was
sort of a woozy.
It was a little wazzy.
Uh, it just sucked.
(Manny laughing)
- You think you can
do better, Harold?
- Well, there's a difference
in thinking you're a champion
and knowing you are.
- What does that have
to do with anything?
- I don't know, man.
My life is a series of
commas, not periods.
- Are you quoting
Matthew McConaughey?
- Do you wanna boogie, mijo?
Because my dance
floor is inside.
- You ain't gotta ask me twice
as long as you don't
jerk off to me.
- I can't promise you anything.
The Butterfly,
uh-uh, that's old
Let me see the tootsee roll
Yeah, 1990 Quad
69 Boyz backed up by
the Quad City DJ's
One time, cotton
candy, sweetie go
Let me see the tootsee roll
- Pretty boy can move.
Come on, come on
Tootsee roll
Just make that tootsee roll
Here we go, here we go
Tootsee roll
Just make that tootsee roll
Yeah, yeah, roll
Tootsee roll
Let me see that tootsee roll
Get up and roll
Tootsee roll
And make that tootsee roll
To the left, to the left
To the right, to the right
To the front, to the front
To the back, to the back
Now, slide,
slide, baby, slide
Just slide, baby, slide
Just slide, baby, slide
Come on, come on
To the left, to the left
To the right, to the right
To the front, to the front
To the back, to the back
Now, dip, baby, dip
Come on, let's dip
Dip, baby, dip
Baby, dip, baby
Just dip, baby, dip
(Manny snoring)
Just dip, baby
Cotton candy, sweetie go,
let me see the tootsee roll
I don't know what
you've been told
It ain't the butterfly,
it's the tootsee roll
A brand new dance so
Grab a partner and
get on the dance floor
And work them
hips a little bit
Then, do that
dip a little bit
Oh, yeah, you got
it, no ifs, ands
Or buts about it
(Manny snoring)
And you over there,
with the long hair
Keep rolling that derriere
'Cause it ain't hard
Just a brand new dance
From the 1990 Quad
(Manny snoring)
69 is the place to be
Hey, yo, 'Ski,
what we came to see
Cotton candy, sweetie go,
let me see the tootsee roll
Here we go, come on
Tootsie roll
Come on, come on
Tootsie roll
Lemme see your tootsie roll
(crowd applauding)
- Okay, I have some names I
really think we should consider.
(suspenseful music)
- Babe, I've been doing
a lot of thinking,
and I want you to hear me out.
Don't you think it'll be smarter
if we waited to plan
this thing out better?
The last thing we
wanna do is get caught.
We'll never see
each other again.
- Why would we get caught?
- I don't know, bloody
glove left at Rockingham.
Cops have a way of finding shit.
- Who's Rockingham?
- Before your time.
- Well, I read that about 51%
of all murders never get solved.
- Do we really wanna
flip that coin?
Let's just wait, plan
this thing out better.
(suspenseful music continues)
- I knew you didn't love me.
(Hunter laughs)
- [Hunter] Oh, my God,
babe, I do love you,
regardless of how
hard you make it.
- What the hell is
that supposed to mean?
- [Hunter] I'm going
to get a drink.
(door squeaking)
(upbeat music)
(door clattering)
(can clanking)
- Come here.
- What the fuck?
- Come here.
- What's going on?
- Don't get mad, all right,
but Matthew and I have been
discussing what's been going on.
- What are you talking about?
- You know, this whole
thing with your girl
and her wanting to, you
know. (clicks tongue)
- Are you outta your mind?
You told this crazy fucker?
(lighter clicking)
(upbeat music continues)
- News flash, I ain't crazy,
just selectively coherent.
(Hunter laughs)
- You hear this?
This is the guy you share
my personal business with,
the Matthew McConaughey guy?
Thanks for looking out, bro.
- Hey, Matthew has
some great ideas.
Tell him.
- I don't think he
can handle the truth.
- Just fucking
tell him, Matthew.
(Harold exhales)
- Well, from what Manny tells
me, your girlfriend suffers
from borderline
personality disorder.
You familiar?
- Not really, but I think I'm
starting to figure it out.
- Well, it's not to
be taken lightly.
(Manny snoring)
People with this condition,
they have a hard time
dealing with everyday life.
They have self-image issues,
difficulty dealing
with emotions.
They have a problem
with relationships.
Is this ringing
any bells for ya?
- How the hell do
you know all this?
- That's not important.
What is important is that
your girlfriend is stopped.
People with this condition,
when in the manic phase,
they will do anything it
takes to follow through.
- So how do I stop her?
- Matthew thinks, (snoring)
(hand smacking)
Matthew thinks that
we should kill her.
- Are you outta
your fucking mind?
That's my girlfriend
you're talking about.
- I know, right, but are you
willing to spend the rest
of your life in prison
for her or worse,
killing an innocent person
just because she's insecure?
- Well, when you
put it that way.
- There's no other
way to put it.
That bitch gotta die.
- I can't kill Lindsey.
- You don't have to.
I'll do it.
Just make her think that you're
going along with the plan.
When it comes time to decide
who to kill, you tell her
you wanna kill me.
(Manny snoring)
- Why you?
- Because
I'm Matthew fucking McConaughey.
(energetic music)
- He hit, hit me.
(exhales) He hit me.
He hit me.
- Mom?
- Yeah.
Uh, he hit me, and he's,
he's gonna kill me.
He's literally outside.
- [Lindsey] Mom, what the
hell happened to your face?
- He hit me.
- Have you been drinking?
- So what?
- That piece of shit.
Barry, where are ya?
I'm gonna crack
your fucking jaw.
- Erin, get
in the fucking car now.
- [Erin] No.
- [Barry] Erin, get
the fuck over here.
- No.
- Go away, Barry.
- [Barry] Shut up,
you fucking whore.
- Barry, we are done.
You will never lay
your hands on me again.
- Oh, yeah?
You wanna play? Come on.
- [Hunter] That's wrong.
Do you hear me?
- Let go.
(knife slicing)
- Ow, howdy, howdy.
That fucking hurts.
(hand thudding)
(water splashing)
- These were $2,000 shoes.
- Yep, if I see you and
your slippers again,
I'll shove 'em straight
up your fucking ass.
Now, get the fuck outta here.
- You okay, dad?
- Yeah, it's just a stinger.
Look, I'm not even bleeding.
It's nothing a little
Wild Turkey can't fix.
You know, I had him
until you yelled.
- What are you talking about?
I yelled after you grabbed him.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, as I recall it,
you yelled just as I
sprung like a tiger
going after its morning meal.
- Tony the Tiger?
- That is still a tiger.
- Babe, take your mother inside.
Get her cleaned up.
- She can do it herself.
Mom, there's an ice
pack in the freezer.
- What's wrong with you?
- The last time I saw my mother,
she wanted me to
get stronger meds.
She chose Barry over
me a long time ago.
- Babe, it's your mother.
- Seriously, I don't care.
She'd rather me be doped up
than have to deal with me.
(upbeat music)
(plastic rustling)
- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah, I bet.
So you gonna tell
me what happened?
- I don't even know.
One minute, we were on
our way to Key West.
The next minute, we were
standing in the middle
of the parking lot
screaming at each other.
Next thing I know, he hits me.
- You know he's a piece of shit.
I've been trying to tell
you that since you met him.
You never listened to me.
You never cared.
- That's not true.
- I'm not gonna talk
about this right now.
(Manny sighs)
- Mrs. Joseph, you okay?
- Yeah.
- Lindsey, do you need anything?
All right, well, if you
ladies need something,
lemme know, okay?
(hands thudding)
(mellow guitar music)
- [Harold] Hey, David Koresh,
you and your disciples
scram, all right?
Go light yourself on
fire someplace else.
Get the fuck outta here.
Don't gimme attitude.
Fuck outta here.
(Harold grunting)
- Jesus, man.
Look, I'm not saying the
guy doesn't deserve it.
I mean, he stabbed
Matthew for Christ's sake,
and everyone saw that he did it.
I'm just saying,
if he disappears,
it's not gonna take the cops
long to figure out who did it.
- You ain't gotta
tell me that, bro.
I'm still trying to get
Lindsey to understand.
For some reason, she thinks
that cops have a hard
time solving murders.
- Look, she don't
have to understand.
Just stick to the
game plan, will you?
(Hunter laughs)
- Can't we just get through the
day without killing anybody?
- Well, you tell us.
(Hunter sighs)
- It's a fucked-up
situation, man.
Either I kill someone
with my girlfriend,
or I kill my girlfriend.
There's gotta be an
option where nobody dies.
- Hunter, let me ask
you a serious question.
Do you think, for
some sick reason,
Lindsey won't try to
kill you one day, huh?
In your heart of hearts,
can you tell me that?
'Cause if you can, I say
we drop the whole thing.
- Pass me that shit.
- [Manny] There you go.
- I can't say that.
- Then, Operation Cataclysm
is in full effect.
(Hunter exhaling)
- What the fuck is
Operation Cataclysm?
- It's a code name
for our game plan.
- When did you
come up with that?
- Well, originally, I
called it Operation Chaos.
But then I thought
Operation Cataclysm
just kinda sounded cooler.
I can change it back.
- Cataclysm's fine.
- Cataclysm sounds okay.
- Are you sure?
I haven't filed
the trademark yet.
- Matthew.
- I can change it
back to chaos, no, really.
- Matthew, I like Cataclysm.
- All right, so
here's the game plan.
Hunter, you're here.
Manny, you're here.
- Wait, why am I by the thumb?
Can't you, like,
draw it on your chest
so that way you
can use both hands?
- I don't need both hands.
- Personally, I think you
should draw it out on the floor
so we could all see.
- You can't see that?
- When you stick it
in my face, I can,
but I'd much rather
look at the floor
than the dirty
creases in your palm.
- Or the chest, I
mean, anything's
better than your palms.
I mean, my brother's right.
You should wash your hands, bro.
- Jesus Christ, the chest,
the floor, who gives a fuck?
Let's just stick with the plan.
Can we at least agree on that?
- Damn.
- Jesus.
- You ain't gotta yell, bro.
(hand thudding)
- Fuck.
- Here, smoke some of
this and calm down.
(rambling Western music)
(door clattering)
- Hey, are you okay?
- None of you
fucking people care.
Nobody does.
(rambling Western
music continues)
(footsteps plodding)
To all my friends.
Tonight, my friend,
the night has come
- You think he's okay?
- I don't know.
- Ah, fucking loser.
(partygoers laughing)
(water sloshing)
The tune of his life
is like a forest fire
Fast and moving all the time
Only things that change
are the faces and names
(both laughing)
- Oh, my God, the
guy that was eating
all the food inside is trying
to drown himself in the jacuzzi.
- Hmm.
(water sloshing)
- Isn't anyone gonna
save me, anyone?
What's wrong with you people?
I'm drowning.
I'm a human being.
(crickets chirping)
(water sloshing)
(footsteps plodding)
- Man, I don't know what's
going on in your life,
but I know what it's like
to be an outcast in society.
Look at me.
I've been clinically
diagnosed with MS,
McConaughey syndrome.
I'm the founder of the Serial
Wackers Club of America.
So I see you.
The only advice I can
give you, brother,
is you just gotta keep
on living your life.
You gotta, yeah.
Bring it in here.
You're gonna be all right,
all right, all right.
(Friedman sobbing)
(hand thudding)
You're doing good.
Just get it all out.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Get it all out.
Pulling up with it,
what is you doing
Fixing to go
hard, hard, hard
Ice on my neck,
ice on my wrist
Head for the
squad, squad, squad
Know they gonna hate,
do what I tell 'em
Get on your job, job, job
Work, I'm smooth,
I got the moves
I swear to God,
God, God, hey
I just dropped
200 on a new wave
Pull up with that boop, boop
In blue thang
Pull up, pull up
Got the party bouncing
like the blue flame
Bounce, shouting
Backing up my style
when I through
Watch me too, too
- You, get us a
bottle of champagne,
and we can take this party
to the room. (laughing)
- Okay.
Watch me, watch me
Watch me too, watch me, ooh
I'm so fly, I'm so smooth
Mic check, I got the moves
Pull up in something
that ain't got a roof
I'm so high, I won't move
- See, that's what real
dancing looks like, playboy.
You should takes some notes.
- You think you're actually
gonna jack off to her, too?
- Yeah, most likely.
Water my neck, water
Water my wrists, wrists
I'm on the wish list
I'm way ahead of my time
Special delivery on
- Are you double-fisting now?
- Huh?
Got you one.
- What is it?
- Vodka cranberry.
- Ah, it's so bitter.
- Yeah, maybe I
made it too strong.
- Where's your mother?
- Laying down.
I just dropped
200 on a new wave
Pull up with that boop, boop
In my blue thang
Pull up, pull up
(Hunter exhales)
- That's really bitter.
- Sorry.
- So wanna join the party?
Wait, too, wait,
watch me, too
Wait, too, holler, too,
wait, too, watch me, too
Wait, too, holler, too,
wait, too, watch me
- That drink is strong.
My lips are tingly.
- It wasn't the alcohol.
- What do you mean?
Why am I slurring my words?
- That's because I slipped
a little something special
into your drink.
- Special?
- I know how you love ecstasy.
- You put, put
ecstasy in my drink?
- (clicks tongue) Well,
it's kind of like ecstasy.
- Kinda like?
What do you mean?
- It's a bit of a
concoction I invented.
It's part ecstasy, part
Prozac, and part Pentothal.
- What the fuck?
Isn't Pentothal the truth serum
that you see in the movie?
- Exactly.
- Why would you give it to me?
- Because I wanna know why you
and your fucking brother
have been talking
to that weird Matthew
McConaughey guy.
What did you talk about?
- Would you just listen to me?
- Hunter, I need to know
that I can trust you
because without trust,
we have nothing.
So I'm gonna ask you again.
What did you talk about?
- Trust, just trust me.
(upbeat music)
(door clattering)
- Are you ready
for the world-famous baloney
pony, baby? (laughing)
Ready to hop on the pony,
see if you can last
the full eight seconds?
(Trevor sniffing)
Your hair smells
incredible, baby.
It's like a warm summer douche.
You know, thought your skin
would be a lot smoother.
- Boy.
(Trevor screaming)
Are you kidding me,
you little wussy?
Get over here, you
fucking pervert.
Get back here.
(door clattering)
You're not getting away.
- Get off of me, lady.
- [Erin] 'Kay, you
wanna sleep in my room?
- Hey, no loving for you, baby.
- [Erin] Oh, please.
- Mom, what the fuck?
Okay, I'll be right back.
(keys jangling)
- Hey.
(chair clattering)
What did she do to you?
- She put something in my drink.
She said it was like ecstasy.
- Like ecstasy,
what does that mean?
- No, Prozac.
- She gave you fucking Prozac?
- The truth serum.
- Truth serum, what the fuck?
- No, my man, it's
coming back to me.
She mixed it all together,
gave me all of them.
- Jesus Christ.
- Did you tell her anything?
- Can't feel my face,
I'm fucking telling you.
- [Harold And Manny] Huh?
We can't understand you.
- Your mustache.
- Oh, God.
- The hair's so pretty.
And how do you keep so neat?
(hand thudding)
- Get a hold of yourself, man.
You're losing it.
- I'm on a concoction of
drugs that don't even exist.
- God.
Matthew, gimme a glass
of water, would you?
- Man, this is no time
to think of yourself.
- It's for him, you idiot.
- Oh.
- No, you idiot.
(water sloshing)
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, are you awake?
- [Hunter] He soaked me.
- Yes, but are you awake now?
- I'm soaked with drugs.
- So we're gonna need some help.
I'm gonna call a couple of my
friends from my support group.
They're ex-cons, but
they're good guys.
I'm gonna call 'em right now.
(phone ringing)
(Hunter coughing)
- I feel like I'm
gonna throw up.
(festive music)
(door squeaking)
- All right, all right,
all right, welcome, guys.
So, Hunter, Manny, I'd like you
to meet Matthew Dallas
and Matthew Wolf.
These guys are from
my MS support group.
- [Manny] What
McConaughey are you?
- Uh, well, I'm what's known
as the universal McConaughey.
It's very rare.
Although my roots are planted
in "Dazed and Confused,"
I can become just
about any McConaughey
the universe tells me to be.
- Dazed and confused,
that's exactly how I feel.
- So how can we help you guys?
- Well, we're about to
launch Operation Cataclysm.
- Hold on right there.
Who named it
Operation Cataclysm?
- Ah, it was a
collective effort,
but, uh, I guess I'm
the one who named it.
- It's not bad, but I think
you could come up with something
way more McConaugheyish.
- Is that so?
- Something cooler.
- Like what?
(Matthew Dallas humming)
(fist thudding)
- What about Operation Chaos?
- Goddammit, we shoulda
went with Operation Chaos.
Shoulda went with my instincts.
- Doesn't matter
what we call it.
We could call it whatever
the fuck we want, Matthew.
- I kinda like cataclysm.
It sounds tough.
- Not tougher than chaos.
- Oh, hold on, Wolf.
Just imagine you were being
convicted of murdering someone.
Let's just say this girl here.
Would you wanna be known
as the Chaos Killer
or the Cataclysm Killer?
Ooh, every time I say cataclysm,
I sound like Mike Tyson.
- You do have a point.
Sounds kind of lispy-
- Yeah.
- when it rolls
off the tongue.
- [Matthew Dallas And
Wolf] Cataclysm, cataclysm.
- Cataclysm, cataclysm.
- Clysm.
- Cataclysm.
- Clysm.
- Cataclysm.
- Shut the fuck up.
Are you all completely
Looney Tunes?
- Yo, Hunter, I'd be careful
with the name calling.
- Why, are the Matthews
gonna kick my ass?
- I never told you why
they went to prison.
- Let me guess, identity theft.
- Nah, somebody picked
on 'em, called 'em names.
- Really?
What happened to the guy?
- Nobody knows.
You know the old saying,
no body, no crime.
- Oh, shit.
- [Harold] Oh, so
Operation Chaos it is.
Dallas, did you bring the piece?
- Never leave home without it.
- Shit just got real.
This is a real
sobering experience.
- Hey, Manny, Manny.
(Manny snoring)
- Hmm?
- Manny, can you go
chase everybody off?
- Yeah.
- When you see Lindsey, just
follow along with the plan.
Tell her you wanna speak
privately or some shit.
We'll take care of the rest.
You just get her back here.
- 'Kay, but one thing,
I have to be the one to do this.
I have to kill her myself.
Cannot let a stranger do this.
- Hey, if you want the
blood on your hands,
that's fine with us.
- They're on my
hands regardless.
- You gonna be able
to handle this?
- I have no choice.
Lindsey's my girl.
I can't let anybody
else do this.
(latch clicking)
(door squeaking)
- [Manny] All right,
everyone's gone.
- Where's Lindsey?
- [Manny] She's in the kitchen.
- What about her mother?
- [Manny] Uh, I
think she left, too.
So Lindsey is in the kitchen.
She's by herself, okay?
- Okay.
(door squeaking)
- You just let us
know when you're done.
The Matthews'll take care
of disposal and clean up.
- Okay.
- Hey, babe.
I was wondering where you were.
- I was just shooting
the shit with the guys.
- Why are you staring
at me like that?
(suspenseful music)
- We've been through
a lot, me and you.
- We definitely have.
- But lately, it's
just been difficult
with this whole
murder plot thing.
- Listen, I wanted to
talk to you about that.
- I'm sorry, baby.
The time for talking is over.
- What the fuck are you doing?
Hunter, this is not funny.
Hunter, please don't
do this, please.
- Sorry, baby.
I loved you.
- Hunter.
(gunshot blasting)
(suspenseful music continues)
(footsteps plodding)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Fuck.
- Did you idiots really think
I was gonna kill my girlfriend?
Manny, you of all people
should know better.
- You double-crossing
piece of shit.
We were just trying
to help you, man.
- The only people in this
room that need help are
you crazy fucking sick,
twisted McConaughey fuckers.
You see, babe?
We didn't have to make a choice.
These idiots made
the choice for us.
- They sure did, baby.
- How are you gonna shoot
us all with one gun, genius?
- I was actually thinking
about that back in the bedroom.
Thankfully, you idiots
left us another gun.
- What are you talking about?
- Django, Better Call Saul,
get the fuck outta here.
- Sorry we couldn't help.
- Have a nice day, guy.
(hand thudding)
- All right, I'll see
you guys on Tuesday.
- To be completely
honest with you,
I started the day not
knowing who was gonna die.
As a matter of fact, I
didn't want to kill anybody,
but you morons
made it impossible.
What do you think, babe?
- Now, Manny brought
me into this thing
if that helps you decide.
- What the fuck, Matthew?
- Well, it's true.
I was minding my own damn
business until you told me
about this stupid fucking
murder plot thing.
I knew you were bad news.
I could tell by
the way you danced.
I could feel it.
- You rat bastard.
- Hmm, kill the Latin lover
or Matthew McConaughey?
Really is a tough choice.
If I had to pick, I say we kill-
(Hunter clicks tongue)
- I got an idea.
Eenie, meenie, miney, moe,
catch a tiger by its toe.
If he hollers, let him go,
eenie, meenie, miney, moe.
- No.
- [Hunter] I think I left
out a line somewhere.
- Here, I'll make it easy.
Let's kill your brother.
- Yes, I like this idea.
(hands smacking)
- Beat it, moron.
- All right, you don't
have to tell me twice.
Adios, muchacho.
- I hate you, Benedict Arnold.
- I guess this is the one time
you don't get the girl, brah.
(Manny snoring)
Hey, I'm talking over here.
My entire life, I've hated
that whole Rico Suave act.
You know, I never even
thought you were Cuban.
I always suspected
you were from Tijuana,
and all those bullshit
nicknames you had
when we were kids growing up,
the Latin Lover, the
Cuban Missile Crisis,
the Shawshank Redemption,
I don't even think
you saw the movie.
- It's Shawshank Invention,
okay, completely different.
- Yeah, whatever,
doesn't matter anymore.
What matters now is you
make peace with Jesus.
(Manny snoring)
We should just
shoot him like this.
He won't even know
what happened.
(Manny laughing)
You do have pretty
teeth, though.
I'll give you that.
- You're not shooting
anyone today.
- [Hunter] Sorry you
feel that way, bro.
- (clicks tongue) Sorry
to break it to you,
but, uh, we only put
one bullet in that gun.
Lindsey and I knew you
didn't have what it takes.
You're too predictable.
(suspenseful music continues)
- Um, what is he talking about,
and why do you have
that gun pointed at me?
Could you move it over please?
- Put the fucking
gun down, Hunter.
(suspenseful music continues)
(lips smacking)
- Oh.
What the fuck is going on?
- Babe, I'm sorry, but I told
you it's all about trust.
(lips smacking)
I tried to explain the
meaning of loyalty to you,
but you just never got it.
I saw Maci on your lap.
- Mm-hmm.
- I see the way you
look at other girls.
- Ugh.
- You were never mine.
(suspenseful music continues)
- Maci sat on my lap.
- I just fucking
said that, you idiot.
- Babe, you got this
completely wrong.
I love you.
- Yeah, I'm always
completely wrong.
And you have a funny way
of showing your love.
(gunshot blasting)
(body thudding)
(Manny laughing)
- Damn.
Oh, yep, he's dead.
It's you and me now, whoa.
- I've been doing some thinking,
and the whole fucking
playboy bullshit, (laughs)
I don't really like it.
- Don't listen to
my dead brother.
- Has nothing to do
with what he said.
It's just your whole thing.
It doesn't really do it for me.
- But you said you
wanted me, I was the one.
You wanted to move in together.
- I'm sorry, but
you failed the test.
- Test, what fucking test?
- If you'd screw your own
brother over for a girl,
how could I ever trust you?
How could you ever be
loyal to me? (laughs)
It's all about loyalty.
- You really are a crazy bitch.
- I may be crazy, but
at least I'm not dead.
(gunshot blasting)
(Manny groaning)
(plastic rustling)
(cereal rattling)
(suspenseful music continues)
(neighbors speaking
(suspenseful music continues)
(spoon clanking)
(cereal crunching)
(suspenseful music continues)
(heartbeat pulsating)
(film reel clattering)
I want us to kill
somebody tonight.
(heartbeat pulsating)
(brooding music)
She's dancing in the fields
And the sun is in her eyes
Thousands are
one in her eyes
So she stumbles
through the fields
She can't see,
though she tries
Should've worn her pendant
Now, she stumbles
Now, she cries