Love Language (2026) Movie Script
1
"Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee
[Door knocking]
[Tilda] Lou, open the door.
[Gus] Lou, Lou, come on.
We are not going to let you
stay in there all night.
[Door knocking]
[Graham] No, Lou.
I didn't just wake up and
decide to call off
our wedding.
I've known for like a long time.
You know, and I think you did,
too, probably, in your own way.
[Gus] Come on, Lou.
[Tilda] I'm sick of her bullshit.
[Tilda] It's so tired.
[Graham] No, Lou.
I didn't just wake up
and decide
to call off our wedding.
I've known for,
like, a long time.
You know, and I think you did,
too, probably in your own way.
But I guess courage has
never really been your thang.
-[Gus] Lou.
-[Graham] No, Lou.
I have known for,
like, a long time.
You know, and I think you did.
[Door knocking]
-Just a minute.
-[Tilda] No, Lou.
[Tilda] Kevin, the stripper,
is ready to strip
right now. Gus
already Venmoed him.
I could send you guys half
the money back and bounce?
No, no, no, no, don't worry.
Don't worry.
-Sure, she'll come around.
-Dude, it's my bachelorette.
My fianc left me.
[Tilda] I know, I know.
And I love you.
I really do.
Oh, don't say but.
But Graham was a
C minus little bitch.
You know what Gus
and I called him? Gus.
What do you call him?
Toaster Waffle.
Yeah, we called him
a fucking Toaster Waffle.
I don't get it.
[Tilda] It's like the last
breakfast option.
Edible cardboard.
Well, I like toaster waffles.
It's because you're too much of
a pussy to eat a real waffle.
Get your fucking
metaphors right, dude.
That doesn't even make any sense.
Fuck your metaphor.
-It's my bachelorette party.
-Bachelorette party, I know.
But don't you
think that shattered
psyche might-maybe trump tired
-fucking wedding cliche?
-[Tilda] I don't know, Lou.
I'm just trying to have this man
rub his rock-hard
body all over me,
you sad, pathetic, selfish-
Tildy.
I'm sorry about last night.
You want my burrito?
Do you really think taunting
me is the mood this morning?
No, dude, I'm like...
I'm totally not taunting you.
This is an olive branch for
hijacking the
festivities last night.
Jeff isn't going to
want to fuck you any
less if you just have
one bite of burrito.
Jeff will want to fuck
me no matter what.
The goal is to get everyone at
the wedding to want to fuck me.
We have very different goals.
Lou,
have you ever thought
this could end up
being a good thing?
Like, I don't know,
a fresh start?
You can get out of
your head for once?
Come on.
What about the book you've
been writing for six years.
-Finish that.
-My book is dead.
Okay, look, the
point is, if there
was ever an opportunity to take
a chance, stop hedging,
jump without a parachute.
You're suggesting I kill myself.
I think that's a fantastic idea.
Did you not just say
you were done hijacking?
Yeah.
Give me a bite of that.
I hate you for
making me eat this.
You're welcome.
It's delicious.
It's not as good as you said.
[Music]
[TV] No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's fucking not.
It's bulland
it's disgusting.
You know everything.
You know everything.
[Tilda] All right, girly pop.
One week countdown.
We've got the final fitting,
Tuesday at ten,
Wednesday at two
We have mani-pedis.
And then Thursday, I'm
going to need you at the
hotel to do these fancy
little welcome bag things.
Also, look, I know
the timing is weird.
I know things aren't great,
but I have a kinda
massive favor to ask.
Anything. Tell me.
Help me write my vows?
No, I know I tried
to write them myself,
but they were just so bad because
I'm not a writer, but you are.
You're the best
writer I know, and I
just really fucking
need your help, Lou.
I mean, I -
I just think that, like, I'm not,
in the right headspace.
You're my fucking
maid of honor, Louisa.
Please.
[Music]
"Sea of Love" by Cat Power
Come with me, my love,
to the sea, the sea of love.
I want to tell you
how much-
You are my favorite
person to cook with,
to laugh with, to kiss on the
neck when you're not looking.
You are my favorite
person, period.
And I promise to love you
every day
for the rest of my life.
-I love you so much.
-I love you.
Thank you, Greg.
[Clears throat]
Jeff.
Gorgeous, sweet,
kind, brilliant Jeffrey.
I'm not a scientist,
but at some point
in the last 30-ish
years, I noticed that the body
has a lot of duplicate parts.
Eyes, lungs, these old things.
[Laughter]
Which is great.
Something breaks,
you got a spare.
But I never understood
why with a lot of the
body's key parts, nature
decided one is enough.
One heart, one brain, one mouth.
And then, Smurf
I met you, and I realized
I do have two of everything.
When my heart aches,
it's yours that heals me.
When I'm too tired to think
straight, I trust
you to guide me.
When I can't find
my voice, I know
yours will tell the
world that I exist.
Though, please
don't let it sing for me.
And even in the moments when we
disagree, when
we're not in unison,
I know that we are so
much stronger and wiser and
more expansive together
than we could ever be apart.
We make each other whole.
I love you with
everything that we are.
"Lady Luck" by
Richard Swift
The vows, Lou,
honestly incredible.
Well, shut up. You
know they were.
At least someone got to use them.
I need to tell you something.
You promise not to judge me?
Short term, no.
Long term, we'll see.
I just always thought
that I'd be married by 30.
-I guess I wanted to be.
-Ew, why?
I know. It doesn't
make any sense.
Woo! Yeah, Tilly!
I wasn't ready for the dip.
-She looks beautiful.
-She does.
Okay, look, do you think
she'll notice if I dip out.
Wow, he...
-Is hot.
-Yeah.
-You wouldn't leave for that?
-I don't know.
I mean, that smile,
that personality.
Yeah, that's
borderline homophobic.
-My God, fuck you.
-Fuck you.
What?
All right, what about him?
He's been staring at you
since we sat down.
-Tilda's cousin?
-What?
Yeah, he's staring
at you, not me.
What?
Yeah, he's totally
staring at you.
-He's staring at you.
-Yes, he is.
No.
No, he's like, he's
like kinda goofy.
No, he's giving fuck
boy vibes for sure.
Dude, you gotta hit that.
I mean, you'll regret it
less than the Phoenix tattoo.
Oh, see, that I don't agree with.
-Hi, Lou?
-Hi, yeah.
Cassie. We met
at Tilda's shower.
-Oh, yeah.
-Can I steal you for a sec?
[Music]
They were amazing.
Absolutely destroyed me.
That was so weird.
Oh, hey, Lou.
This is Dash.
Sup?
Hi, Dash.
What was weird?
Yeah.
Huh?
You sat down and
said, "That was weird."
So I'm just trying to...
Oh, I don't know.
Come on, bro.
You got to tell us.
Yeah, come on, bro.
You got to tell us.
Mmm
Okay, well, that woman somehow
found out that I
wrote Tilda's vows
Hold on, hold on.
You did that? You did?
-Yeah.
-That was fire.
Like, beautiful,
romantic, electric.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, Dash.
-Don't thank me.
Thank the universe for the gift.
It's incredible. I mean, she's
also an amazing YA author.
No, no, no. Okay, so
the woman, Cassie.
I guess that she
wants me to write her vows?
Shit.
[Phone chimes]
You keep complimenting her.
I have to go.
Where are you going?
I just have to meet
with somebody really great.
Oh my God.
Right...
-You're welcome. Bye, Dash.
-Bye.
I'm just gonna, you know so we...
I'm just trying to...
Ok, so, how much she want to pay?
No, no, I said no.
No why?
Because I don't know her, Dash.
So what? You think Tilda knows
the chick that did her hair?
Paula?
Yeah, no, she's good
friends with Paula.
Okay, but you know
what I'm saying.
Yeah, I just think
that hair versus vows-
You know what do they say?
Love is universal.
You can make a lot of
money, Lou. Like, mad racks.
The wedding business is like
a billion dollar industry.
People just light money on fire.
The flowers, these linens, the
DJ, the venue,
the dress, the bar.
You know, this
stupid ass, fat ass
invitations that
nobody really opens.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Okay, okay, so
hypothetically, how
much would I ask her to pay me?
Well, ask how much
she paid for the cake.
And then say to her, you're
giving her the
speech that her man
is going to remember forever,
and then ask for twice as much.
And that's still a discount.
You know what?
Fuck it. World's
burning anyway.
Right.
Yup, it's a little
dark, but, yup, it is.
She said yes.
"Red Wine Supernova"
by Chappell Roan
Mexican lime has,
like, this Mexico voice,
and spicy barbecue
is for the Southern.
But how do we
develop the overarching
big crunch potato
chip brand identity?
How about an AI tie-in?
What does that mean, though?
Okay, here's a good idea by me.
What if it was like a ch-aby.
[Marion] A ch-aby?
Did you say that?
[Dave] Yeah, you know,
like a chip baby,
a baby who loves chips.
Like, waaa, gimme all the chips.
[Marion] Lou, any pitches?
Okay, what about
like a chip unicorn?
[Marion] Uh huh.
Yeah, it's like, ironic cute,
but it's also cute-cute.
Kinda like potato
chips by way of-
Like Lisa Frank, you know?
Fun, sparkly, nice.
[Dave] I mean
[Dave] that's obviously
what I meant for the ch-aby.
[Marion] Okay, I'm loving this.
We just need to make sure it's
authentic to our
target demographic.
[Dave] Oh, what if the ch-aby
was riding a unicorn?
Hello, potential scam?
Hi, Lou?
My name is Rebecca.
You're writing vows
for my friend, Cassie?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
I'm getting married
on November 1st,
and I desperately
need help with my vows.
Can we meet?
Is that okay?
[Marion] Jesus, Lou, that's
some to-do list.
-[Dave] That's crazy.
-[Genji] And it's pathetic
[Marion] Do you really
think that's appropriate for
-[Marion] a work call?
-Rebecca, can I call you back?
Sorry.
Inside joke.
No, you're muted.
Sorry.
Inside joke.
[Dave] Yeah, it is.
-True-crime podcast.
-Classic
I wasn't even like a
podcasting person, but
like she got me into it.
My best friend had a really great
wedding and her vows
made everyone cry...
Of course, tears are a must.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
and then I'll mention,
Ann Arbor, Fresno...
[Phone dings]
[Phone dings]
[Phone dings]
I'm like, I'm tired, I
don't really feel like it
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
like she is my
sun but don't say...
she likes philosophy
and shit, and that's cool
you know so anything you
could add in there...
what if it was all from
our cat's perspective?
She is such a
solid rock of a human being
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
somehow our love feels
our love feels
-unpredicatable.
-unpredicatable.
- And inevitable
- and inevitable
-at the same time.
-at the same time.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
Until you, you made me believe
in something outside of myself.
You gave my life meaning.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
[Olivia] Let's make sure the
dessert really
compliments the cake...
the cake, but, doesn't,
you know, step on it.
Oh, yeah, I love that.
Yeah, and we'll
catch it next week.
Sounds great.
Yeah. Amazing.
Lou?
Hi, Olivia, right?
So good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
-Is this your restaurant?
-God, I wish.
No, my friend, Britta is
doing our wedding food.
-It's hers.
-That's amazing.
It's so hard to get
a reservation here.
Oh, just text me. I'll
get you in anytime.
Okay.
I'm just better at expressing
myself visually. You know?
Thank you so much. And these
vows are just so important.
So when Rebecca told me about you
it felt like such a godsend.
So what is your timeline?
Yes. The wedding
is November 8th.
I just felt like a
summer wedding.
It's so on the nose you know?
Seven weeks isn't too
early to start, right?
No, no.
An early start is great.
I wrote a guy's vows last week,
an hour before his ceremony.
You're incredible.
And you're this vow expert
without even being married?
Aaah! I...
You don't have to
answer that. I'm sorry.
-That was...
-It's okay. It's okay.
No, it's okay.
I am so basic compared to you.
I've been dreaming about
my wedding since I was five.
Well, tell me, who
are you marrying?
Ooh, Mmm...
How do you summarize the person
you want to spend your life with?
Actually, you know what?
We're hosting this dinner on
Thursday night for this olive
oil that I'm launching.
Why don't you come?
You know, see us in action?
I feel that will feel so
much more natural.
I mean, if he's there,
are you okay with him knowing
that we're doing this together?
Well, no.
Uh... no
It should definitely
stay between us.
You know, he won't know
There'll be a ton
of people there.
Please.
[Music]
Umm, since when
do you shoot lefty?
-Oh, shut up.
-Hey.
Oh, my God.
Warren?
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Klaus!
-Oh, my gosh.
This is like, no
one's called me...
-Klaus. Yeah.
-thought that was you inside.
-Yes!
-Yes!
No one's called me that since
-you and Northwestern.
-Me.
-Crazy.
-Yeah.
You look great.
Thank you.
So do you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
I'm eating olives.
Yeah, you are in
the right place for it.
-Yeah, they're briny.
-Got you.
-Do you want some?
-Obviously.
Yeah.
No, go ahead.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
Don't you live in San Francisco?
I actually moved 10 months ago.
-Oh, my God.
-Sorry.
I meant to call, but...
-No, it's fine.
-I'm a jerk.
Yeah, sorry.
I never know what to do
with the pit, so...
Warren.
You just...
That was in my mouth.
Oh my God.
-Yeah.
-Disgusting.
-Hi.
-Not... right now.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Wow, I see you've, um...
Warren, this is my friend Lou.
Oh, you mean my friend
Klaus from Northwestern?
-No.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
We used to make
playlists for each other.
That is wild.
Wow.
I don't get it, though.
What's, what's a, Klaus?
Oh, it's her last name, Klausner.
Yes.
-Sorry, is it still Klausner?
-Yeah, it's still Klausner.
Yeah, no.
Um, so, you two,
-this must be new.
-Pilates.
Pilates! You do pilates.
I contain multitudes.
You guys are getting married,
right? At the Art Institute?
-In November?
-November.
That's the plan.
Agh!
You know, and Whit, and Leslie,
and, um, Michael, our
fabulous olive producer.
Um... what do I even say?
Gosh, I'm just really not good at
speeches, so it's
not my strong suit.
But Michael, he is five stars.
Okay, clink.
Well, don't freak out.
But I kinda run their Instagram.
Whoa, you run the
Big Crunch Instagram.
I know. I know. I know.
Iconic.
Congratulations.
Thank you. You obviously
don't work in marketing.
No, I am still a public defender.
Still reading
SCOTUS blog for fun.
War? Can I borrow you?
Yeah.
Salim, you finally
get to meet my fianc.
Hey, can we hang?
Just, uh, have lunch?
Catch up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'd totally fuck with
an eat and catch.
Sounds great.
Fuck with an eat and catch.
Is that what they say?
That's what they say, yeah.
All right, you're going
to have to teach me.
Okay.
Okay.
[Tilda] Does she know how
obsessed
you were with him?
The Sexy Presidents party?
[Lou] Why would she
know about that?
Cuz that's the night that
Warren and Amanda hooked
up sophomore year
and sent you into a spiral.
It wasn't a spiral,
and it was 10 years ago.
You okay?
A decade, if anybody's counting.
And I'm guessing he doesn't
know about the vows.
He thinks that we
do pilates together.
Oh my God, shut up.
I can pull some fucking ropes.
Pilates is so much
more than ropes.
Twelve out of ten.
Brilliant idea. No notes.
Anyway, I found her.
She is a hottie with a body.
Honestly, good for Warren.
-She's bougie.
-Stop.
She probably doesn't
even play tennis.
No, definitely not.
Walk us through the
logic of why you're
doing this to yourself.
Okay, you guys know how many
deposits I lost on
my failed wedding?
I made more money
in the past two months
than I have in my
whole bullshit career.
So...
Not for nothing,
but, you know, real
people actually like my writing.
Damn.
Oh, Warren's still hot.
Yeah, I mean, still unavailable,
but still very hot.
You know who else is hot?
My cousin Dash.
Oh, please. We saw
you on that dance floor.
He says he texted you
and you never responded.
Dude, your cousin's
like, kind of a fuck boy.
And you kinda wanna get fucked,
so what's the big deal?
Says the boy who literally hunts
out fuck boys every
night on Tinder.
Okay, you know the guy from the
wedding that I hooked up with?
-Remember him?
-Yes, smile boy?
Yeah, we've been hanging
out like a bunch, and he has-
Wait. A bunch like a bunch of
grapes because that's a lot.
That's not usually your vibe.
Can we just focus on Lou, please?
Don't focus on me.
There's nothing to focus on.
I'm not going to ruin their
engagement, okay?
I literally know
what that feels like.
You really have to stop moving or
I'm going to fuck up your tattoo.
[Music]
-You got it.
-Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[Instructor] Dorsiflex your feet.
Yeah.
Fuck, I think I'm going to
have a hernia in my asshole.
UGH!
Oh!
-You okay?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude, it is for
sure the good sore.
Honestly, I still can't
get over you and Warren.
Were you around for
the Amanda years?
Do you mean sorority abyss?
Yeah, I mean he used to drink
vodka Crystal Light.
I've obviously stalked her.
I don't know.
She just-she seems so...
Boring, annoying,
devoid of any personal style?
All of those things.
All of them.
Yeah.
All right.
What other college goss
do you have for me?
Oh, God.
He never used to wash his jeans.
Yikes.
He was obsessed with this
Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song.
Yeah, and then he
basically lived off of
supermarket donuts.
Right. His taste.
That is...
Yeah, that's something
we're still working on.
Yeah. Not a donut girl?
From the grocery store? No.
Yeah. I mean, the whole
public defender thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah?
I don't know. When
it's just like, violent
crime, you know,
and olive oil. It's...
And also, if I'm being
an asshole and prying-
No, no, you're right.
I don't love his job.
Yeah, it's so sad
and frustrating, bureaucratic.
It's just his heart.
That's why I fell in
love with him. It's...
How do I even say it?
It's boundless.
Yes, boundless.
This is why I need your help.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
"Just Walkin' in the Rain"
by The Prisonaires
It's just a right on Washington.
Yeah, okay.
You really didn't have to.
Oh, yeah, no, it's
like no problem. Fuck.
Blind spot.
I'm sorry.
-No, it's okay.
-I'm sorry.
-Sorry.
-I can do it.
No, it's fine.
This is all good.
-Great.
-Yeah, this is good.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
Still an expert driver.
Okay, respectfully, suck a dick.
-Yeah, Jacques Torres.
-Oh, yes.
You writing anything new?
I mean, there's like a YA novel.
Somewhere in a
folder on my desktop
that no one wanted to publish.
Idiots and assholes.
-Yeah, exactly.
-Yeah.
Okay, Come on, justice system.
Oh, okay.
Let's go.
Homicide, double
hom-triple homicide.
-I want details.
-Really?
I mean, wait, it's not going to
make you squeamish or anything?
Warren, I spent years
falling asleep to SVU
like plenty of healthy
young American women.
[Laughter]
Olivia not a very big
fan of crime scenes?
She worries about how the job
is going to affect me long term.
Want to go defend some
rich, white-collar fucks?
Yeah, I just think that real
money would be
nice at some point.
You know, and relationships
are about compromise.
You like what you
do, though, right?
Oh, no, I love it.
How many people can say that?
Yeah.
Okay, do you remember Tilda?
-Are you kidding?
-She teaches preschool.
-What?
-No, the kids have no idea...
Yeah, there you
go. There she is.
Yeah, the woman of the hour.
What the fuck?
I'm not a pervert.
-Wow.
-Oh, I did not go to
any of those classes.
"Love is Everywhere
(Beware)" by Wilco
You and Olivia, what
do you talk about?
Oh.
God, I don't know.
Like work stuff?
Pilates stuff.
Why?
I don't know.
She just doesn't seem like...
What?
Like my type?
Yes. Yeah.
I could probably say
the same thing about you.
What do you mean?
Although you did date Amanda.
Okay.
So clearly, I don't
actually know your type.
Amanda was a mistake.
-Warren, a two-year mistake.
-Yeah.
But, umm, you know,
Livy, look, I know
she's not the most
down-to-earth person, but
she's a-I don't know.
Warm.
Not to get too cheesy, but,
you know, she has grace.
And, I love the way
she makes people feel.
She makes everyone feel
happy and connected.
My life is a thousand times
more joyful because of her.
So.
Wow.
Yeah.
She's also kinda gorgeous.
She's also gorgeous.
Lucked out.
What about you?
We've had like six meals
today, and you haven't
said a thing about any
kind of romance or...
Ummm.
Well, I was engaged.
Oh.
Yeah.
And now I'm not anymore.
Klaus, I'm -
That - that sucks.
Idiots and assholes, right?
[Music]
It's standing up here
with you, surrounded
by everyone we love,
who loves our love.
It is the most electric
moment of my life.
It makes me understand
tradition and consistency.
God, I feel so much gratitude.
I can't even think about it.
It will make me
want to start looking.
All over the place.
[Music]
You know, I got a little worried.
You got abducted
by aliens or some shit.
Yeah, sorry.
I've been super busy.
Understood.
Well, I mean, did
things go good with
the girl from Tilda's?
Yeah. Yeah, honestly,
it went, like, great.
I've been writing
vows for a bunch of people.
It's kinda crazy that weddings
are so word of mouth.
So my half of the cash?
I'm just saying if I hadn't
convinced you to
do the first vows,
You know, we started
this business together.
Yeah, umm.
Bro, I'm just fucking
with you. Yo, relax.
Damn, your eyes
getting watery and shit.
I'm not going to take your money.
I'm like, what's going on?
I don't know. I
don't think we
really know each other like that.
We know each other.
Okay.
Cuervo. Okay.
-All right.
-Okay, the game is called...
How are you feeling?
Bad Vows.
I've been collecting
a bunch of them
because you learn
just as much from bad
writing as you do
from good writing.
It's like relationships.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to read the vows
to you and ask you some
questions, and if you
get them right, I drink.
If you get them wrong, you drink,
and then we just
go back and forth.
Bro, I'm about to fuck you up.
No, I don't mean like that.
That kinda came
out kinda crazy, right?
-Yeah, a little bit.
-No, I don't...
-Okay.
-All right, come on.
Let's do it.
I'm ready.
Eric, you are my rock,
but not just any rock,
a mountain, but not
just any mountain.
God damn.
First question is, does she
compare him to A, the Alps,
B, Mount Rushmore, or C, Everest?
No, that got to be Everest.
What are you talking about?
It's the only
mountain that matters.
-I'm sorry.
-No, you're playing.
-What do you mean no?
-It's Mount Rushmore.
-Mount Rushmore?
-Yeah.
Nobody would say that.
Give me that. Hell no.
-Read it and weep.
-Let me see that.
Hold on, wait.
She said, "The vision
of Washington, the
genius of Jefferson,
Roosevelt's big stick."
Damn.
I promise to feed you when we're
old and our teeth
are falling out.
Who's he mention more
than his fianc? His mom?
-Stop.
-Come on.
You put it right there.
You put that in this room.
-This is absolutely gross.
-No, go.
Did he propose
at Dave & Busters or at
the Anne Frank House?
What is he talking about when
he says, stank on his hang down?
Shut. No, it's not.
-You made that up.
-That's really nice, right?
-Agape love?
-Agape.
-It's like...
-What is that?
-Agape.
-Like agave?
-Like agave?
-No.
It's like this kinda love.
It's like the biggest kinda
love you can experience.
Like, imagine.
Can you feel it?
It's like the biggest...
The biggest kinda love.
You could feel.
"My Lady's On Fire"
by Ty Segall
Oh, my god, my head!
Hey, sorry.
Sorry, did I wake you?
Yeah, a little bit,
but it's all good.
You put me to
sleep last night, girl.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
Hey, you want to get
some food or something?
Umm, you know, I got
to... I kinda gotta work.
It's 6-6:30.
I know. It's this
fucking client in Europe.
-She's intense.
-Intense?
Oh, well.
Rise and grind.
I dig it.
Umm, listen.
- Last night was like-
- Decadent,
mystical, increble.
But I'm not the writer.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, like all those things.
Umm...
But I, like...
I can't right now.
You know, I just got
out of an engagement,
and I don't think that I, like,
really know what's
going on in my head.
Umm...
Okay.
Yeah, so maybe if
we could just do a
no-strings-attached
kinda thing, maybe.
Yeah, of course.
It should be no strings.
It's pure air, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
It's all right.
It's all right.
[Marion] What about
like, Geritan?
[Genji] Geritan?
[Marion] I don't know.
Come on, you guys.
I pay you to do this.
Names, let's go.
Stella, the unicorn.
That's my grandma's name.
What about Dave, the unicorn?
Come on.
-[Dave] What about Bush?
-[Genji] No.
[Dave] Okay. New thing.
What about a chip
who's taken a vow
of silence, we
call it a chip monk.
[Marion] It's a unicorn.
[Dave] What if it's called Chunk?
I can't tell if you're
joking right now. Chunk?
[Marion] Like, Chunk,
the unicorn?
[Dave] Yeah, because he
eats so many chips.
[Genji] Body shaming.
Client will love that.
[Marion] I mean, all the data
about Gen Alpha
is that they're so
fucking sensitive.
[Genji] Yeah, I feel like
Gen Alpha, though,
[Genji] they're really easy
to manipulate,
which the client does
actually really love.
-[Dave] Aren't you Gen Alpha?
-[Genji] I'm Gen Z.
Can't you tell by my work ethic?
[Marion] Lou, we haven't
heard from you.
Can I get you on camera?
Yeah. I mean, I'm kinda
eating lunch right now.
Is it necessary?
Yeah, well, I need
to see your face.
It's easier to iterate.
Hi. Yeah. Umm...
What about Corny the unicorn?
Just lean into the whole.
Lean into the what?
Wow. Thanks, Genji.
That's...
Shit. I accidentally... it was
supposed to be in an email.
Genji, weren't you just
talking about body shaming?
-Oh, we did it again.
-Fuck.
That wasn't about you, Lou.
That was not about you.
That was about my mom.
Genji, one on one after this.
So, you hung out with Dash?
Yeah, yeah we hung out.
Hung out? How?
Do you want to tell her
that I fucked her cousin?
I fucked your cousin.
Dude, that's fire.
You're going to fuck him again?
I don't know.
Maybe.
You're going to
fuck Smileboy again?
Steven?
Actually, yeah, I am.
-Deedeedeedee, Steven?
-Deedee, what is that?
What is your face?
I don't know. The
last time you told us
the name of someone
you were hooking up
with was literally pre-pandemic.
Well, it's a thing now.
Dude, this is bigger
than Scandoval.
When can we meet this man?
Decade, maybe more if you
keep acting like this.
Wait, so you're
saying you can see
yourself with him for a decade?
Oh my God.
All right, I don't know.
Tilds, okay?
I don't know.
And besides, you're like, what?
You've been married for two days,
three days, and
you're already trying
to live vicariously through me.
This would make me vicarious if I
was literally 22, snorting molly
-off an uncut dick in Cancun.
-Oh my God.
But I will say, I
like this settled down
shit way more than
I thought I would.
I don't have to do my hair to get
someone to want
to have sex with me.
I don't have to hold my farts
in, like, the whole
thing is dope.
-Sounds like it.
-Suck a dick.
[Phone dings]
-What?
-Sorry.
No, it's just Olivia.
Don't look me like that.
I can feel it.
I'm not looking
you like anything.
I can feel it. It's just a
little bit of writer's block.
It's like not a big deal at all.
No, I didn't say a word.
It would be so much
easier to write these vows if
it just made sense as to
why they were together.
For sure. Like the way that
you and Warren make sense.
Uh. A lot of artists get
this shit tangled up.
Okay, Stevie Nicks?
Do not ever compare
yourself to Stevie Nicks.
I'm comparing our burdens,
which are similar.
You're hedging.
Tell her she's hedging
Does she know about the Sexy
Presidents party yet?
Hey Tilda, if you keep mentioning
the Sexy Presidents party,
I'm gonna tell everyone
about your bunions.
She's definitely hedging.
-Hedging.
-You're hedging!
But Rebecca said
that, you know, you've
already sent her
a couple of drafts.
Yeah, I mean, her wedding's
a little before yours.
By a week.
Exactly. And you
know, the thing about
writing, Olivia, is
really that each piece
is kinda birthed, like
out of a different canal.
Look, I just I
really want to make
sure because the
wedding's in a month.
I know.
Yes, ma'am.
I have it literally
in my calendar with an alert.
So...
[FRENCH]
What was that?
Oh, it means, it's hard
to explain in English.
Got it.
I think it might
just be helpful if
you can give me
some more details.
Okay. Umm...
What kind of details?
I mean, that's kinda up to you.
-What about your lunch?
-What lunch?
Warren said you had lunch.
Oh.
You didn't get
details from there?
Yeah, sure. I
mean, I got details
about how much he loves you.
You know I'm also
not writing his vows.
What if...
What if we go on a double date?
You're dating someone?
Just, like, it's kinda new.
But I feel like at the
olive oil dinner, I didn't
really get the opportunity
to see you two together.
And this might give me
that chance to get all those
details, and so I can
wrap this whole thing up.
-Let's do it.
-Yeah, great.
Great. Double date. Great.
-Hi.
-We're about to start.
Yes. Wonderful.
-You're not coming?
-No, God, no.
Not in like a million years.
But you have fun.
Hi. We met, I don't know
if you remember.
-I remember.
-Great.
Yeah. Okay.
My mother spent a
year in Scandinavia,
and that's why she named it Eske.
No, I'm okay, thanks.
Should I have ordered
a white for you, or?
No, it's all good.
It's just the oak notes and
all that shit is lost on me.
I just, I do a little
mezcal on the rocks,
scotch on the rocks.
You know what I'm saying.
We could put some
rocks in the wine.
That's funny.
Might be good.
I like that.
-Where did you meet?
-Oh, just a wedding.
-Okay.
-Yeah, yeah.
Love in the air.
Oh...
Where was there love in the air?
Lou and Dash met at a wedding.
Yes.
I mean, we could have
met at a gas station,
and there still would
have been love in the air.
Oh, my God.
It was Tilda's wedding, Dash
and Tilda, they're cousins.
-Tilda?
-Yeah.
It's a wild gene
pool, like, for real.
So you guys, how
did you guys meet?
I don't think I've heard
the story yet, right?
-Oh, yeah. Umm...
-Please, baby.
No, you tell it,
baby. Please.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
It was three years ago. Wow.
I was living in SF.
Livy was up visiting friends,
walking out of
her hotel one night.
Yeah, and I saw him in the lobby.
He was trying to
retie this bow tie.
The bow tie?
Yeah, this was for a
legal aid fundraiser thing.
Bro, I bet you look
good in a tux, man.
He does.
He really does.
For real, right?
My man got the jawline going.
Right?
The hair.
-Look at the middle part.
-He does. You're right.
The middle part is going crazy.
-It's good.
-That's so funny.
Anyway, so he was about
to strangle himself.
And I've watched my
dad tie a thousand bow
ties, so I helped and
we started talking.
I was complaining about the food.
Yeah, you were.
And I asked if he'd ever
had the chicken at Zuni.
-I had no idea what that was.
-So cute.
What is that?
-Chicken at Zuni?
-No.
It's a really famous chicken.
Oh, famous chicken?
-Oh.
-Yeah.
Dope. Yeah, that's cool.
You know when you hear
that voice in your head?
Like, this.
-Don't let this go.
-Right.
So I canceled on my friends
and we went and had chicken,
and we talked for, like,
-five hours.
-Five hours.
-Long time.
-Wow. That's...
I mean, there was a year
of long distance after that.
Yeah, but it only
made us stronger.
Totally, totally, yes.
It'd be crazy not to stress test
a relationship before marriage.
But in the end, you
convinced me to move back.
I mean, whatever
it takes for love.
Yeah.
-To love, come on.
-Yes, 100%.
-Cheers.
-To love.
To love.
Drink to that.
Yeah, I mean, so what's
super sad is his brother.
The one he killed?
Yeah, it was my
client's character
witness in the
first parole hearing.
That's some biblical shit.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
How did he do it?
It was...
It's kinda like...
Oh, sorry, sorry. I know that
you hate this stuff, right?
What? No, I don't hate it.
Oh.
What?
You kinda do.
We don't, we don't
have to talk about this.
This is my fault.
We can just change
the subject, okay?
Has Lou let you read
any of her writing?
A little bit.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Pretty fantastic.
Am I right?
-Wow, crazy.
-Do you guys want dessert?
The budino sounded kinda dope
She's always been bad
at taking compliments.
No, I'm not.
It's just that I mostly
write internet trash, so...
Wait, what do you mean mostly?
I'd get the budino.
So you are writing something?
Or even the gelato.
No, I can't talk about it.
I mean, is it
another YA thing or-
It's like a ghost
writing situation.
Okay.
Wow. Congrats. When
do we get to know what it is?
Oh, my God, like.
40 or 50 years. I don't know.
It's like a fucking
fucking Warren Report thing.
Like the Kennedy
assassination Warren...
Yo, my man.
Thanks, bro.
Can we order-can we order
some dessert, please?
Can we... budino, budino,
budi-three budino, please.
And a gelato and an
apple tart, because...
-You good?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm...
I think I just had way
too much dessert.
It's my bad.
No, no. You were just...
You were just
trying to help me out.
Well, by the way,
I got you a little...
Sorry, Not Sorry.
Actually, Sorry. What?
When I looked at my skirt,
I realized, oh my God,
a period was more
than a punctuation mark.
Look, I'm just saying, if this
shit is a YA best seller,
you can write a
hit in your sleep.
Twilight 2.0, baby.
Thank you.
That's really-
that's really sweet.
And thank you for coming tonight.
We got Pellies, Topos, Sanzis.
Sounds exotic.
What can I say?
I like a good sparkling.
Thank you.
Does Tilda have a
rich uncle or am I...?
I mean, my Pops does alright.
He has his own
dry cleaning joint,
but I bought this place.
Fuck, I don't even know
what you do for work.
Commercial real estate.
It's like offices, restaurants,
medical spaces.
My boy Arjun just hit me up about
200,000 square
feet in retail in Miami.
Why do I look like
I'm blowing your mind?
No, I just...
I didn't know.
You bought a house.
I don't...
-Okay.
-Yeah.
No one in our generation is
buying houses, first of all.
Second of all,
you didn't just buy a house.
Bought like a really
fucking nice house.
Thank you. Thank you.
-You know!
-You're welcome.
You didn't think I
was a serious person.
-No.
-That's all right.
Okay, I do think
you're a serious person.
It's just, like, your
whole aesthetic. It's kinda
Okay. The cologne,
the lights in the car.
You like the lights in the car.
-What are you talking about?
-It's a strip club car.
No.
I should've just stayed home
and watched Vanderpump.
You got a problem with that, too?
No.
I feel like you got a problem
with a few things tonight.
No, no, no on the contrary,
I think it might be
the greatest artistic achievement
-of the 21st century.
-Stop.
I don't believe you.
You're trolling me. Stop.
I'm being completely
serious right now.
Bro, seriously?
Yes, bro.
Seriously.
Lala or Scheana?
Oh, for a million reasons,
- Scheana
- Yes, that's my...
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Everyone has a hidden talent.
What's your hidden talent?
Get a bigger sign next time
buddy. It's a little small.
No, I can't. It's
fucking crazy.
After what you did to your
friend. What you did to Ariana
It's not about the bon-bons.
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Huh!
Stop. Stop. Why
would you do that?
I just told you I'm
afraid of heights.
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
-What?
-What?
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Oh my God. Dash.
Dude, this burrito is like...
Like kinda amazing?
Oh, shit.
-Arjun, you dog.
-What?
That Miami thing came through.
He needs me
down there six months.
It's crazy.
Hey, that's great, isn't it?
I mean, you know?
I was born in Taiwan,
but my parents
moved to Houston when I was four.
Amazing. I've never been
to Houston.
Or Taiwan.
Or Taiwan.
Wait, should we all go?
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Well, which one, though?
-I think both.
-Okay.
Yeah, why not?
We're doing it.
I told you that they'd
be on one. I'm sorry.
Lou!
You want another coffee?
Yes, Jeffrey.
Thank you.
And a new personality.
Steven, what do you do for work?
-I'm a landscape architect.
-Amazing.
We've actually been talking about
redoing our yard,
right, babe? Babe.
[Jeffrey] We live in a
condo, though.
Well, we have a lot
of fucking plants, so
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Anyway, I can't wait
to see your work.
I'm sure it's just
amazing like you.
Do you know any other
adjectives besides amazing?
Yeah, I do.
Dickhole.
That's a noun.
I don't mind being
told that I'm amazing.
-I know.
-Just calm down.
Next time you come
by the house, we can
show you what we
started doing to the front.
Wait, what?
The house.
Gus's house?
-Yeah.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Did you two move in together?
You haven't told
your best friends?
I didn't tell them
because they're crazy.
Tell us what?
-They moved in together.
-We're getting married.
Wait, what did he just say?
What the fuck did he just say?
-We're getting married.
-No, what?!
-Oh my God!
-No!
Congratulations! Who
proposed to who?
I did.
And he said yes.
We're fucking getting married.
Holy fucking shit.
I didn't expect them to say that.
Welcome to the family.
Oh my God.
Gus, that's, that's, that's
that's amazing.
-Yeah?
-You just
popped the question?
-I just did it.
-He's even hotter.
Yeah, he's very hot.
I know.
-Oh, that could be cute.
-With a corduroy?
How about a blue velvet?
I am actually happy for you.
-I can tell.
-Thank you.
It's just been, like,
an insane last few months.
I don't know.
Okay, but hasn't
the wedding thing taken off?
I mean, aren't you the fucking
Cyrano of Chicago now?
-Yeah.
-And Dash?
I mean, he's sweet.
He's really sweet.
And maybe some kinda genius.
It's just he's leaving
for six months,
and I still have Graham's boxes
everywhere, and I'm writing
fucking Warren's vows, like...
Dude, why are you
still writing the vows?
You know how long
I've been waiting for
someone to give a
shit about my writing.
And they finally do.
And I'm not just going
to quit over this, like...
I'm better at clearing dishes
than I am at picking out suits.
God, why can't I just
have everything I want?
You know, like the
fucking relationship and the
job and maybe a little
bit of freedom from guilt.
Because you're not
a straight white male.
Born before 1975.
I just thought it was
an important distinction.
For sure.
"Baby Baby"
by The Shuffles Inc.
[Phone dings]
"Baby Baby"
by The Shuffles Inc.
Fuck!
[Message pops]
[Typing]
[Message pops]
[Mobile rings]
So you've been googling me, too.
Calm down. I Google a
lot of things. Thank you.
Really? What's the
last thing you googled?
Are you trying to data mine me?
I'll tell you my search
history, if you tell me yours.
Okay, you first.
Let's go.
Last three?
-Unedited, please.
-Unedited.
Okay.
Resistance bands
chest workout [Lou laughs]
Whatever, pilates.
Best parking United Center.
And how to fix a
P-trap, you're up.
Okay!
Ummm...
Makeup remover, cheap, organic.
Okay, you are so editing.
I am so not editing.
Um... how many
cups in a quart?
Four.
And is Ariana and Katie's
sandwich shop still open?
Obviously.
Wait. Who's Ariana and Katie?
Warren.
VPR.
Vice President.
Vanderpump Rules?
I thought that we were
friends. That's really...
-That's fucked.
-I mean, we are.
We are. We are.
Which brings me to
the reason I called.
What do you think about coming
to my bachelor party on Saturday?
What?
I don't... uhh, why?
Look, it's not going
to be one of those.
It'll be fun.
Educational.
I hate to say it, but I
really don't think that
going to a strip club is
totally educational for me.
I do have my own vagina.
Yeah, look, it's no
strippers, I promise.
Just say you'll come, please.
Come on, Klaus.
Come on, Klaus.
Come on, Klaus.
Fine.
Okay.
-Yes.
-What is it?
-Tell me.
-Amazing.
I'll tell you on
Saturday. Okay.
Got to go before you
change your mind. Bye.
What the fuck?
[Music]
Fuck.
[Music]
This is all garbage.
[Music]
Hell, yeah.
There we go.
Let's go! What's up, buddy?
Come on, boy.
Come on, man.
-Lou, this is Teddy.
-What's up?
-Hey.
-What's up?
Remember Lou from school?
-Hey, how are you?
-Good to see you.
How have you been?
By then, your
tires should be nice
and baked and you
can really punch it.
These cars can hit a top speed
of 160 on the straightaways.
The helmets can absorb a
thousand cubic pounds of
impact. The suits are
fire retardant.
- In the event any
- Oh, shit. I'm going full
fucking Lewis
Hamilton on this shit.
Drive to survive?
-Drive to survive.
-Drive to survive.
Drive to survive.
-Drive to survive.
-Come on.
-Drive to survive.
-Don't fight it.
Drive to survive!
"Pomeranian Spinster"
by Alvvays
[Warren] Klaus, you want
to open it up a bit?
[Lou] Oh, I think this is
as wide as she goes. Yup.
[Waren] What are you
so afraid of?
Death, dismemberment,
being engulfed in...
Did nobody read
the waiver but me?
You're overthinking it.
I think you're
under thinking it, Warren.
Okay, when you're
writing, do you ever
get into that zone,
that flow state?
I mean, I guess so.
It's like that.
Don't think.
Just react.
Fuck it.
-Oh, my God.
-Lou, you're doing it!
"Pomeranian Spinster"
by Alvvays
Three times what
she was doing before.
I drive faster in parking lots.
Bro, that's not cool.
I did it.
That was better, right?
Shit.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-Oh my God.
-I think so.
Oh my God.
You were such a dork,
that you used to make us do
the Settlers of Catan
tournaments on your birthday.
Settlers of Catan,
best board game ever.
Yeah, if you're doing
mushrooms like we were.
What?
Also, I thought
you liked Settlers.
Wheat trading?
Harry Potter in the Quad?
Harry Potter's a masterpiece.
Dude, Harry Potter's canceled.
We're not going to
talk about this, okay?
-Exactly.
-No.
Well, it's safe to say that you
two are just big fucking nerds.
Oh, really? Oh, are we
broing down right now?
-Let's bro down.
-Fine, let's go, bros.
Whooaaa!
Thought there was a
beer in there.
Where'd it go?
Where'd it go?
Okay, okay, shut up.
Get out.
Next round's on me.
Okay.
Okay, black car's gonna
be here in...
-There you go.
-So Lou, what do you think?
You want to roll to
the strip club with us?
Roll to the strip?
Oh, no, I don't.
I really don't.
-Strip to survive.
-Strip to survive.
Strip to survive!
Strip to survive!
Strip to survive!
Guys, guys, guys.
I don't want to go either.
Dude, Warren, it's your
bachelor party.
Yeah, I...
Strippers make me sad.
No, dude, strippers
make you happy.
Yeah, it's fun.
I've pre-paid for a
champagne room.
I love you guys.
But just please, go without me.
All right, well, we about
to have the breast time ever.
Was he hot at least?
You know, I wouldn't know.
Because when he came in,
I hid myself in the bathroom.
Okay.
And I started fighting
with him about
whether or not he was a feminist.
Wow.
I really missed you.
Is Olivia...
Is she enjoying Cabo?
Yeah, I think so.
Based on her Instagram.
Yeah.
What are you going
to tell her about your eye?
The truth.
I was attacked.
-Viciously? Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, man...
You know...
What?
I was in love with
you in college.
Ah, Warren.
You dated Amanda.
Yeah.
There was...
Remember that Sexy
Presidents party?
You know, I was...
You were Nixon, I was Ford,
and Matt Bartok was rolling
around in a wheelchair,
screaming, "I'm FDR."
-Yeah!
-Yeah.
Yeah, and Amanda
was Monica Lewinsky.
-Yes.
-The white stain and all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was the night you guys-
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Because I was messed up over you.
You don't remember?
I leaned in to kiss
you, and then you
made up some excuse
to go to the bathroom
and peaced out.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
We're dancing. Now.
Come on.
No, it's a fear, a fear
of embarrassment.
You made me drive a race car.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
[Phone dings]
[Olivia VM] Hey Lou,
[Olivia VM] two weeks until
my wedding and
still I haven't seen a
single word of these vows
So, I think we need
to set a hard deadline
Rebecca's wedding
that's Saturday, six days, if
you wanna, you know,
put it in your calendar.
No, Chel, the
lounge is over there.
[Music]
Just using that, ziplock bag,
that's a strong move too.
Smarter than using
just the plastic bag.
At this point, though,
you're probably wondering...
[Laptop] When the writer
is able to intertwine
her intellectual observation...
[Music]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
-Tom Schwartz.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Wait, do we...
-Have we...
-No.
Okay, you look familiar.
You're a fan of the show?
-Yeah, Lou.
-Lou. Hello.
I love that name.
I love VPR.
I feel like we met before.
-I don't know what it is.
-I don't know.
Face? I don't know.
Something.
Nice to meet
you, Lou. I'm Tom.
[Music]
Yeesh!
I'm going to South Beach
when Chicago's got this.
World's not fair.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Because in that moment,
the borders between us dissolve.
And I know, know in my mind.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
I heard you wrote
Rebecca's vows. I loved them.
-I was obsessed.
-Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. Oh, food,
thank God.
Excuse me.
Bruschetta, hell,
yeah. Thank you, babe.
Lou!
- Hey,
- We need to...
I was just enjoying
the hors d'oeuvres.
Look, Olivia, I...
Here we go.
What's the excuse now?
No.
Olivia, I didn't write your vows,
and I can't write your vows.
I just...
I can't.
What's the real story
between you and Warren?
You hooked up in college?
Please.
Look, we didn't hook up.
I swear we...
You're going to eat
the fucking crostino or what?
Hmm?
No.
You know what? Honestly,
it doesn't even matter.
Warren will tell
me what happened.
I just...
I can't believe I hired
you to write my vows.
You don't know
anything about love.
I could write something
better in 10 minutes.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Let's hear it one more
time for Rebecca's Dad.
[Clapping]
[faint] Mindy and Rebecca.
Their first dance as newlyweds.
Hey, you good?
I saw Olivia, and she
looked salty as hell.
It's fine.
Look, I know you said no strings.
Dash.
I know I'm always
playing it real cool, but
I think you should
come to Miami with me.
Dash, it's been a
really long day, and I
don't think we need
to do this right now.
I just have to get
this off my chest.
This, us, our connection.
I don't...
I think there's so
much more there
that I don't think you realize.
This kinda thing doesn't happen,
you know, all the time.
Like, ever.
Yeah.
Say something.
Fuck, you wrote
those vows, and all
of a sudden you're
like, speechless.
I don't know.
Dash, I'm flattered.
I am.
I like you.
I do like you.
I just...
Fuck.
It's all good.
I'm gonna...
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
I'll see you around.
Bravo Con or some shit.
I don't know.
[Music]
-Klaus.
-Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
-Hey.
-The vows.
They were so good.
Oh, thank you.
They made me cry.
Thank you again.
Do you want to
take a hit of this?
Oh, I'm all good.
It's dank. Okay
Okay.
Who was that?
I have no idea.
[Music]
What are you going
to do with that?
Something graceful, obviously.
Fuck.
Very graceful.
I try.
I really...
I try.
What do we have?
Want a drink?
No.
[Music]
So, the other night?
Yeah.
I...
Warren.
I was in love with
you, too, in college.
I just...
God, I had no idea that we
were on the same page.
I thought I was so, so obvious.
Yeah, you probably were.
But I was so in my head then.
I didn't stop to think that
I could just talk to you.
You know and...
I mean,
I...
I wish you said
this 10 years ago.
I fucking knew it!
Livy.
[Olivia screams]
-Olivia, please!
-Fuck.
What are you...
What are you...
Oh, my God.
-Snakes! Both of you.
-No, Livy. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, Olivia,
it's not what it looks like.
Oh, my God.
She does play tennis.
-Livy, let me explain.
-Oh, God.
Okay, it's not
what it looks like.
Don't you dare.
It is exactly what it looks like.
You're a liar.
You are a liar.
I asked you point
blank and you lied.
Yeah, you're right.
-I know I'm right.
-Warren.
Is she wearing your fucking coat?
Can I?
Can I just come out?
Can I stand up and can we talk?
Are you sure you want to?
Are you sure you don't want
to just stay with that snake?
Let her wear all your coats.
Livy, please. Can
we please calm down?
Stop saying, please.
Please, what?
-She is a snake.
-OK, Warren. This is insane.
Do you still not
know about her vows?
Why she's at this wedding?
Why she's suddenly
back in your life?
What vows? What?
Rebecca's vows?
Not just Rebecca, tons of people.
Warren, just listen to me
for a second, please.
I hired her.
I hired her.
You?
-You hired her?
-You think we'd be friends?
Really?
You think she knows
how to do pilates?
She's trash at pilates.
I mean, why couldn't you just...
Because she doesn't -
I wanted to say something
worthy of my love for you.
I thought she could help.
I didn't realize it
was a fucking con.
A con?
Olivia, what con?
You reached out to me.
You turned this into a lie.
If he's the love of your
life like you say he is,
why is it so hard
for you to string
two sentences together about him?
I'm sorry that you hate his job
and that you hate
his taste, okay?
But I don't.
I think those might be
the best parts of him.
- You know, and-
- Livy, just listen to me.
Yeah.
That.
That's how she feels.
I had a crush on her in college.
And, you know, getting married-
It's not an excuse.
I've been scared.
But nothing is more
important to me than you.
Livy, you are my forever,
I love you so much.
Please, I'm begging you, please,
can we just talk about this?
Somewhere else.
Of course, somewhere else.
[Gus] I think a slightly
bigger break in the pant.
[Gus] Yeah, right there.
Exactly.
[Gus] That's perfect.
[Tilda] You look sexy as hell.
-[Gus] Okay. Lapels?
-Notched or peaked?
[Tilda] Notched. Lou,
what do you think?
[Lou] I mean, literally
[Lou] who cares as long
as you're not wearing
velvet slippers like
an asshole, right?
Hey, sir, do you buy
wedding dresses?
Like the unused ones?
-No.
-That's fine.
I'll just wear it for every
Halloween until I die.
Fucking here we go again.
That way, when I come back
as a ghost to haunt all the
children my exes had with
wives they actually loved,
wraith-me can be
covered in tattered lace,
symbolizing all my unraveled
connections.
Is there a bathroom?
There's one right over there.
I'm harshing the vibe, aren't I?
Sorry, it's just that
90% of my clients
quit overnight because weddings-
weddings are word of mouth.
I'm assuming you don't want
me to work on your vows.
You know, I don't
think I could come up
with something as good
as that wraith speech
you just gave, but
I think whatever I
do say should
probably come from me.
Great.
Yeah, no.
The fucking
avoidant attachment
style king found love that I-
You know what?
Shut the fuck up.
I know you're going through
it, but I'm not going to let
you ruin this for Gus the way
you ruined my bachelorette.
Aren't writers supposed
to be good at empathy?
Okay, well, clearly, I'm not
a fucking real writer, then.
Oh, wah, wah, wah!
I am so sick of your bullshit.
This is a situation
that you created,
and you're not the only...
- the only
- Casualty.
Yeah, casualty.
Thank you.
You almost ruined an
engagement out of nostalgia.
And instead of being a
remotely decent friend.
You use the two of
us as pain sponges in
moments that were
supposed to be about us.
God, I thought I
was the dumb one.
[Music]
[Marion] I need it simpler,
snappier, guys.
It's not an Atlantic article.
[Genji] I've given you 20.
It's sparkle time,
horny for Corny,
mythical crunch, mystical crunch.
Do you need more?
[Marion] No, I hate all of those.
And so we turn to
Lou, who never wants
to offer anything
unless solicited.
Lou, do you have any ideas?
Tagline.
Uhhh...
God, okay.
A couple of things before I go.
I know that Corny the
Unicorn was my idea, but
it makes no fucking
sense for a potato chip.
What are you talking about?
Of course it does.
They're completely
different starches.
So we're locked in production.
Like, art is being made.
What are you talking about?
-I'm quitting.
-For real?
-Yeah.
-No, Lou, you can't quit.
-Yeah.
-Listen.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
[Music]
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to try and say
anything about your love.
You can't say a
million times better.
But in a minor attempt
for reparation.
I've sent you both my notes
on what you said
about each other.
Olivia, you said how
much you love Warren's
boundless heart and his
dedication to helping people.
Warren
You said Olivia's
warmth and optimism
has made your life
so much more joyful.
That she brings
everyone together.
Someone wise once told me,
it's good to test a
relationship before marriage.
I'm sorry that I've
been that test for you,
but
if you needed any convincing
of your own insight,
eloquence, and faith
in one another,
I hope this helps.
-You actually sent this?
-Yeah.
That's not...
Fuck. That's not easy.
Is that?
-That's your dress.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, God.
Adita looks way better
in it than I ever did, huh?
You're not wrong.
"Unchained Melody"
by The Fleetwoods
Steven Anthony Dent.
I never thought I'd be
up here with anyone.
But that's because
until a few months
ago, I didn't know you existed.
So,
I don't know if you
guys knew this,
but like all great love stories,
ours started on Tinder.
[Laughter]
In a few months,
actually three months,
to be exact, you've
taught me more about
myself than I've learned
in the last 30 years.
My whole life, I've been
skeptical of how we're
trained to express love.
You've shown me that
real love grows out of
all the little things,
the little in between moments.
You rubbing my back for a few
seconds for no reason at all.
You squeezing my hand right now
so I don't cry
through these vows.
Because it's those moments
where all the barriers I've
spent years putting
up, it all goes away.
I'm just present in
my body, in my heart,
grateful that I
could live in this
connection through our
palms and fingertips.
I've spent the last 10 years.
"Unchained Melody"
by The Fleetwoods
-What?
-What, what, what?
-It's Dash.
-What's Dash?
Are you sure he's not just a
rebound from your rebound?
No, I mean it's all kinda
hitting really fucking fast, but
No, I mean, all these
vows I've written, it's like
It's because I'm good at
intellectualizing love, but,
fuck!
Fuck!
Tild! Hearing
Gus I never felt
any of that with
Warren or Graham.
But, Dash, he's
like, like the opposite.
Like, I don't have to force it.
It's all feeling, but, God, I
am the dumb one. Aren't I?
Well, we're all the dumb
one in our own way.
-[Door knocking]
-Right?
Who is it?
Are you guys doing
coke without me?
-God, it's my wedding.
-Sadly, no, but,
Lou finally realized
that it's Dash.
Wow, welcome to the conversation.
Except, now, he's
leaving all winter.
Fuck, Miami.
When does he
leave? Do you know?
This weekend. Honestly,
I think this afternoon.
-What do I do?
-You go and you stop him.
Yeah, this minute.
Go! Right now.
-Yeah! Are you sure?
-God, yes, I love you.
Okay, I fucking love you. Go.
-It's okay?
-Yes! It's okay. Go!
I love you so much. I love
you guys so fucking much.
I'm sorry that I used you as pain
sponges. I'm so
grateful for you.
Dude, you did that.
Those vows were the best
vows that I've ever heard
They were really good.
Now, go, go, I love you.
Oh, shit.
Steven, congratulations.
I need to leave right now, but
we have so many
moments ahead of us.
-Go!
-Go!
"Linger" by Royel Otis
[Door closes]
[Engine starts]
[Music stops]
Okay, who the fuck
am I actually kidding?
No, I'm going to get a car.
Fuck.
Oh my God.
Okay, I don't want
you to break the law
or anything, and I know this is
a little on the nose, but there
is a man about to board a plane.
What do you want me to do? You
want me to ram the other cars?
-Hey!
-Sorry. Sorry.
Don't let it burn.
Don't let it fade
Okay. Oh, my God. I'm totally
going to fucking miss him.
But it's just
your attitude
But it's tearing me apart
And it's
ruining every day
I swore
I swore I would be true
And honey, so did you
So why were you
holding her hand?
Is it just the way
we stand?
Were you lying
all the time?
Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such
a fool for you
You got me wrapped
around your finger
Do you have to
let it linger?
Do you have to,
do you have to
Do you have
to let it linger
Oh, I
Sorry!
Excuse me!
Thought
the world of you
I thought nothing
could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you
could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't
be so confused
And I wouldn't
feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I'm in so deep
Fuck.
Hi.
What's with the shoes?
I had to run here.
Why?
How far?
I can check my Fitbit, but...
You are never not
roasting me, huh?
No, you're right.
I'm not here to roast you.
No, you're here
because that other dude
is getting married
and you're tripping.
The way I treated you has been...
-Selfish.
-Yeah.
-As fuck.
-Pretty much.
Very much.
Do you realize how much
I put myself out there?
I'm sorry.
Look, my car to the
airport is coming in
a sec, so I gotta get...
No, Dash, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I didn't
take you seriously.
I've never met anyone like you,
been with anyone like you.
And for someone who's a
fucking idiot and a coward and
loves self-sabotage,
it's so scary.
I think you might be the most
amazing person
that I've ever met.
You know, you're like...
You're relentlessly generous and
open and full of
this wisdom that's
more insightful than anything I
could think of in an entire year.
And you're funny.
You're so funny. And,
our sex is like...
It's really
And more than
any of that, you are-
You are so confident
in who you are.
You know what you want.
And I...
I don't know when we're
together, I feel hopeful.
And I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I just...
I just...
I want to be with you.
Please.
You didn't pre-write that shit?
No, I just...
No, I...
No.
Damn.
I think that might have been
the sexiest minute of my life.
...go wrong but
I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you
could get by
Trying not to lie
-Fuck.
-What?
I gotta leave.
I gotta go to Miami.
I can't bail on Arjun.
I can be gone for six months.
Wait, for real?
Yeah.
I mean, the best part
of being a struggling YA
writer is you can do it
from literally anywhere.
And I've had way too
many Chicago burritos.
I think it's time to deep dive
on those Cuban sandwiches.
Cuban sandwiches.
Every day, every day.
That's my girl.
You know I'm such
a fool for you
You got me wrapped
around your finger
Do you have to
let it linger?
Do you have to,
do you have to
Do you have to
let it linger?
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
-She loves Miami.
-I do love Miami.
Brides out there they love her,
the vow business is going crazy.
What's up with the book?
She's sending it to publishers,
I'm telling you
it's a bestseller.
-Yeah!
-Bestseller.
Do you guys go to
the IMAX theater?
-Babe.
-I thought she was going.
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
Go around the circle
and say one thing that you
love about everyone and
one constructive criticism.
One thing I love about you, the
way that no hats fit your head.
None of them fit.
Everything goes full yarmulke.
There's a lot of conditioners
in the shower, and
I feel like some of
them are a bit redundant.
I feel like you can
leave some of them out.
I wish you weren't
so poetic all the
time, and I wish
you just said things.
You know what I'm saying?
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
"Good as Gold"
by Scheana Marie ft The 27s
-Yell it even louder daddy.
-Shhh!
"Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee
[Door knocking]
[Tilda] Lou, open the door.
[Gus] Lou, Lou, come on.
We are not going to let you
stay in there all night.
[Door knocking]
[Graham] No, Lou.
I didn't just wake up and
decide to call off
our wedding.
I've known for like a long time.
You know, and I think you did,
too, probably, in your own way.
[Gus] Come on, Lou.
[Tilda] I'm sick of her bullshit.
[Tilda] It's so tired.
[Graham] No, Lou.
I didn't just wake up
and decide
to call off our wedding.
I've known for,
like, a long time.
You know, and I think you did,
too, probably in your own way.
But I guess courage has
never really been your thang.
-[Gus] Lou.
-[Graham] No, Lou.
I have known for,
like, a long time.
You know, and I think you did.
[Door knocking]
-Just a minute.
-[Tilda] No, Lou.
[Tilda] Kevin, the stripper,
is ready to strip
right now. Gus
already Venmoed him.
I could send you guys half
the money back and bounce?
No, no, no, no, don't worry.
Don't worry.
-Sure, she'll come around.
-Dude, it's my bachelorette.
My fianc left me.
[Tilda] I know, I know.
And I love you.
I really do.
Oh, don't say but.
But Graham was a
C minus little bitch.
You know what Gus
and I called him? Gus.
What do you call him?
Toaster Waffle.
Yeah, we called him
a fucking Toaster Waffle.
I don't get it.
[Tilda] It's like the last
breakfast option.
Edible cardboard.
Well, I like toaster waffles.
It's because you're too much of
a pussy to eat a real waffle.
Get your fucking
metaphors right, dude.
That doesn't even make any sense.
Fuck your metaphor.
-It's my bachelorette party.
-Bachelorette party, I know.
But don't you
think that shattered
psyche might-maybe trump tired
-fucking wedding cliche?
-[Tilda] I don't know, Lou.
I'm just trying to have this man
rub his rock-hard
body all over me,
you sad, pathetic, selfish-
Tildy.
I'm sorry about last night.
You want my burrito?
Do you really think taunting
me is the mood this morning?
No, dude, I'm like...
I'm totally not taunting you.
This is an olive branch for
hijacking the
festivities last night.
Jeff isn't going to
want to fuck you any
less if you just have
one bite of burrito.
Jeff will want to fuck
me no matter what.
The goal is to get everyone at
the wedding to want to fuck me.
We have very different goals.
Lou,
have you ever thought
this could end up
being a good thing?
Like, I don't know,
a fresh start?
You can get out of
your head for once?
Come on.
What about the book you've
been writing for six years.
-Finish that.
-My book is dead.
Okay, look, the
point is, if there
was ever an opportunity to take
a chance, stop hedging,
jump without a parachute.
You're suggesting I kill myself.
I think that's a fantastic idea.
Did you not just say
you were done hijacking?
Yeah.
Give me a bite of that.
I hate you for
making me eat this.
You're welcome.
It's delicious.
It's not as good as you said.
[Music]
[TV] No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's fucking not.
It's bulland
it's disgusting.
You know everything.
You know everything.
[Tilda] All right, girly pop.
One week countdown.
We've got the final fitting,
Tuesday at ten,
Wednesday at two
We have mani-pedis.
And then Thursday, I'm
going to need you at the
hotel to do these fancy
little welcome bag things.
Also, look, I know
the timing is weird.
I know things aren't great,
but I have a kinda
massive favor to ask.
Anything. Tell me.
Help me write my vows?
No, I know I tried
to write them myself,
but they were just so bad because
I'm not a writer, but you are.
You're the best
writer I know, and I
just really fucking
need your help, Lou.
I mean, I -
I just think that, like, I'm not,
in the right headspace.
You're my fucking
maid of honor, Louisa.
Please.
[Music]
"Sea of Love" by Cat Power
Come with me, my love,
to the sea, the sea of love.
I want to tell you
how much-
You are my favorite
person to cook with,
to laugh with, to kiss on the
neck when you're not looking.
You are my favorite
person, period.
And I promise to love you
every day
for the rest of my life.
-I love you so much.
-I love you.
Thank you, Greg.
[Clears throat]
Jeff.
Gorgeous, sweet,
kind, brilliant Jeffrey.
I'm not a scientist,
but at some point
in the last 30-ish
years, I noticed that the body
has a lot of duplicate parts.
Eyes, lungs, these old things.
[Laughter]
Which is great.
Something breaks,
you got a spare.
But I never understood
why with a lot of the
body's key parts, nature
decided one is enough.
One heart, one brain, one mouth.
And then, Smurf
I met you, and I realized
I do have two of everything.
When my heart aches,
it's yours that heals me.
When I'm too tired to think
straight, I trust
you to guide me.
When I can't find
my voice, I know
yours will tell the
world that I exist.
Though, please
don't let it sing for me.
And even in the moments when we
disagree, when
we're not in unison,
I know that we are so
much stronger and wiser and
more expansive together
than we could ever be apart.
We make each other whole.
I love you with
everything that we are.
"Lady Luck" by
Richard Swift
The vows, Lou,
honestly incredible.
Well, shut up. You
know they were.
At least someone got to use them.
I need to tell you something.
You promise not to judge me?
Short term, no.
Long term, we'll see.
I just always thought
that I'd be married by 30.
-I guess I wanted to be.
-Ew, why?
I know. It doesn't
make any sense.
Woo! Yeah, Tilly!
I wasn't ready for the dip.
-She looks beautiful.
-She does.
Okay, look, do you think
she'll notice if I dip out.
Wow, he...
-Is hot.
-Yeah.
-You wouldn't leave for that?
-I don't know.
I mean, that smile,
that personality.
Yeah, that's
borderline homophobic.
-My God, fuck you.
-Fuck you.
What?
All right, what about him?
He's been staring at you
since we sat down.
-Tilda's cousin?
-What?
Yeah, he's staring
at you, not me.
What?
Yeah, he's totally
staring at you.
-He's staring at you.
-Yes, he is.
No.
No, he's like, he's
like kinda goofy.
No, he's giving fuck
boy vibes for sure.
Dude, you gotta hit that.
I mean, you'll regret it
less than the Phoenix tattoo.
Oh, see, that I don't agree with.
-Hi, Lou?
-Hi, yeah.
Cassie. We met
at Tilda's shower.
-Oh, yeah.
-Can I steal you for a sec?
[Music]
They were amazing.
Absolutely destroyed me.
That was so weird.
Oh, hey, Lou.
This is Dash.
Sup?
Hi, Dash.
What was weird?
Yeah.
Huh?
You sat down and
said, "That was weird."
So I'm just trying to...
Oh, I don't know.
Come on, bro.
You got to tell us.
Yeah, come on, bro.
You got to tell us.
Mmm
Okay, well, that woman somehow
found out that I
wrote Tilda's vows
Hold on, hold on.
You did that? You did?
-Yeah.
-That was fire.
Like, beautiful,
romantic, electric.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, Dash.
-Don't thank me.
Thank the universe for the gift.
It's incredible. I mean, she's
also an amazing YA author.
No, no, no. Okay, so
the woman, Cassie.
I guess that she
wants me to write her vows?
Shit.
[Phone chimes]
You keep complimenting her.
I have to go.
Where are you going?
I just have to meet
with somebody really great.
Oh my God.
Right...
-You're welcome. Bye, Dash.
-Bye.
I'm just gonna, you know so we...
I'm just trying to...
Ok, so, how much she want to pay?
No, no, I said no.
No why?
Because I don't know her, Dash.
So what? You think Tilda knows
the chick that did her hair?
Paula?
Yeah, no, she's good
friends with Paula.
Okay, but you know
what I'm saying.
Yeah, I just think
that hair versus vows-
You know what do they say?
Love is universal.
You can make a lot of
money, Lou. Like, mad racks.
The wedding business is like
a billion dollar industry.
People just light money on fire.
The flowers, these linens, the
DJ, the venue,
the dress, the bar.
You know, this
stupid ass, fat ass
invitations that
nobody really opens.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Okay, okay, so
hypothetically, how
much would I ask her to pay me?
Well, ask how much
she paid for the cake.
And then say to her, you're
giving her the
speech that her man
is going to remember forever,
and then ask for twice as much.
And that's still a discount.
You know what?
Fuck it. World's
burning anyway.
Right.
Yup, it's a little
dark, but, yup, it is.
She said yes.
"Red Wine Supernova"
by Chappell Roan
Mexican lime has,
like, this Mexico voice,
and spicy barbecue
is for the Southern.
But how do we
develop the overarching
big crunch potato
chip brand identity?
How about an AI tie-in?
What does that mean, though?
Okay, here's a good idea by me.
What if it was like a ch-aby.
[Marion] A ch-aby?
Did you say that?
[Dave] Yeah, you know,
like a chip baby,
a baby who loves chips.
Like, waaa, gimme all the chips.
[Marion] Lou, any pitches?
Okay, what about
like a chip unicorn?
[Marion] Uh huh.
Yeah, it's like, ironic cute,
but it's also cute-cute.
Kinda like potato
chips by way of-
Like Lisa Frank, you know?
Fun, sparkly, nice.
[Dave] I mean
[Dave] that's obviously
what I meant for the ch-aby.
[Marion] Okay, I'm loving this.
We just need to make sure it's
authentic to our
target demographic.
[Dave] Oh, what if the ch-aby
was riding a unicorn?
Hello, potential scam?
Hi, Lou?
My name is Rebecca.
You're writing vows
for my friend, Cassie?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
I'm getting married
on November 1st,
and I desperately
need help with my vows.
Can we meet?
Is that okay?
[Marion] Jesus, Lou, that's
some to-do list.
-[Dave] That's crazy.
-[Genji] And it's pathetic
[Marion] Do you really
think that's appropriate for
-[Marion] a work call?
-Rebecca, can I call you back?
Sorry.
Inside joke.
No, you're muted.
Sorry.
Inside joke.
[Dave] Yeah, it is.
-True-crime podcast.
-Classic
I wasn't even like a
podcasting person, but
like she got me into it.
My best friend had a really great
wedding and her vows
made everyone cry...
Of course, tears are a must.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
and then I'll mention,
Ann Arbor, Fresno...
[Phone dings]
[Phone dings]
[Phone dings]
I'm like, I'm tired, I
don't really feel like it
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
like she is my
sun but don't say...
she likes philosophy
and shit, and that's cool
you know so anything you
could add in there...
what if it was all from
our cat's perspective?
She is such a
solid rock of a human being
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
somehow our love feels
our love feels
-unpredicatable.
-unpredicatable.
- And inevitable
- and inevitable
-at the same time.
-at the same time.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
Until you, you made me believe
in something outside of myself.
You gave my life meaning.
"A Love of My Own"
by Carla Thomas
[Olivia] Let's make sure the
dessert really
compliments the cake...
the cake, but, doesn't,
you know, step on it.
Oh, yeah, I love that.
Yeah, and we'll
catch it next week.
Sounds great.
Yeah. Amazing.
Lou?
Hi, Olivia, right?
So good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
-Is this your restaurant?
-God, I wish.
No, my friend, Britta is
doing our wedding food.
-It's hers.
-That's amazing.
It's so hard to get
a reservation here.
Oh, just text me. I'll
get you in anytime.
Okay.
I'm just better at expressing
myself visually. You know?
Thank you so much. And these
vows are just so important.
So when Rebecca told me about you
it felt like such a godsend.
So what is your timeline?
Yes. The wedding
is November 8th.
I just felt like a
summer wedding.
It's so on the nose you know?
Seven weeks isn't too
early to start, right?
No, no.
An early start is great.
I wrote a guy's vows last week,
an hour before his ceremony.
You're incredible.
And you're this vow expert
without even being married?
Aaah! I...
You don't have to
answer that. I'm sorry.
-That was...
-It's okay. It's okay.
No, it's okay.
I am so basic compared to you.
I've been dreaming about
my wedding since I was five.
Well, tell me, who
are you marrying?
Ooh, Mmm...
How do you summarize the person
you want to spend your life with?
Actually, you know what?
We're hosting this dinner on
Thursday night for this olive
oil that I'm launching.
Why don't you come?
You know, see us in action?
I feel that will feel so
much more natural.
I mean, if he's there,
are you okay with him knowing
that we're doing this together?
Well, no.
Uh... no
It should definitely
stay between us.
You know, he won't know
There'll be a ton
of people there.
Please.
[Music]
Umm, since when
do you shoot lefty?
-Oh, shut up.
-Hey.
Oh, my God.
Warren?
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Klaus!
-Oh, my gosh.
This is like, no
one's called me...
-Klaus. Yeah.
-thought that was you inside.
-Yes!
-Yes!
No one's called me that since
-you and Northwestern.
-Me.
-Crazy.
-Yeah.
You look great.
Thank you.
So do you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
I'm eating olives.
Yeah, you are in
the right place for it.
-Yeah, they're briny.
-Got you.
-Do you want some?
-Obviously.
Yeah.
No, go ahead.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
Don't you live in San Francisco?
I actually moved 10 months ago.
-Oh, my God.
-Sorry.
I meant to call, but...
-No, it's fine.
-I'm a jerk.
Yeah, sorry.
I never know what to do
with the pit, so...
Warren.
You just...
That was in my mouth.
Oh my God.
-Yeah.
-Disgusting.
-Hi.
-Not... right now.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Wow, I see you've, um...
Warren, this is my friend Lou.
Oh, you mean my friend
Klaus from Northwestern?
-No.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
We used to make
playlists for each other.
That is wild.
Wow.
I don't get it, though.
What's, what's a, Klaus?
Oh, it's her last name, Klausner.
Yes.
-Sorry, is it still Klausner?
-Yeah, it's still Klausner.
Yeah, no.
Um, so, you two,
-this must be new.
-Pilates.
Pilates! You do pilates.
I contain multitudes.
You guys are getting married,
right? At the Art Institute?
-In November?
-November.
That's the plan.
Agh!
You know, and Whit, and Leslie,
and, um, Michael, our
fabulous olive producer.
Um... what do I even say?
Gosh, I'm just really not good at
speeches, so it's
not my strong suit.
But Michael, he is five stars.
Okay, clink.
Well, don't freak out.
But I kinda run their Instagram.
Whoa, you run the
Big Crunch Instagram.
I know. I know. I know.
Iconic.
Congratulations.
Thank you. You obviously
don't work in marketing.
No, I am still a public defender.
Still reading
SCOTUS blog for fun.
War? Can I borrow you?
Yeah.
Salim, you finally
get to meet my fianc.
Hey, can we hang?
Just, uh, have lunch?
Catch up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'd totally fuck with
an eat and catch.
Sounds great.
Fuck with an eat and catch.
Is that what they say?
That's what they say, yeah.
All right, you're going
to have to teach me.
Okay.
Okay.
[Tilda] Does she know how
obsessed
you were with him?
The Sexy Presidents party?
[Lou] Why would she
know about that?
Cuz that's the night that
Warren and Amanda hooked
up sophomore year
and sent you into a spiral.
It wasn't a spiral,
and it was 10 years ago.
You okay?
A decade, if anybody's counting.
And I'm guessing he doesn't
know about the vows.
He thinks that we
do pilates together.
Oh my God, shut up.
I can pull some fucking ropes.
Pilates is so much
more than ropes.
Twelve out of ten.
Brilliant idea. No notes.
Anyway, I found her.
She is a hottie with a body.
Honestly, good for Warren.
-She's bougie.
-Stop.
She probably doesn't
even play tennis.
No, definitely not.
Walk us through the
logic of why you're
doing this to yourself.
Okay, you guys know how many
deposits I lost on
my failed wedding?
I made more money
in the past two months
than I have in my
whole bullshit career.
So...
Not for nothing,
but, you know, real
people actually like my writing.
Damn.
Oh, Warren's still hot.
Yeah, I mean, still unavailable,
but still very hot.
You know who else is hot?
My cousin Dash.
Oh, please. We saw
you on that dance floor.
He says he texted you
and you never responded.
Dude, your cousin's
like, kind of a fuck boy.
And you kinda wanna get fucked,
so what's the big deal?
Says the boy who literally hunts
out fuck boys every
night on Tinder.
Okay, you know the guy from the
wedding that I hooked up with?
-Remember him?
-Yes, smile boy?
Yeah, we've been hanging
out like a bunch, and he has-
Wait. A bunch like a bunch of
grapes because that's a lot.
That's not usually your vibe.
Can we just focus on Lou, please?
Don't focus on me.
There's nothing to focus on.
I'm not going to ruin their
engagement, okay?
I literally know
what that feels like.
You really have to stop moving or
I'm going to fuck up your tattoo.
[Music]
-You got it.
-Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[Instructor] Dorsiflex your feet.
Yeah.
Fuck, I think I'm going to
have a hernia in my asshole.
UGH!
Oh!
-You okay?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude, it is for
sure the good sore.
Honestly, I still can't
get over you and Warren.
Were you around for
the Amanda years?
Do you mean sorority abyss?
Yeah, I mean he used to drink
vodka Crystal Light.
I've obviously stalked her.
I don't know.
She just-she seems so...
Boring, annoying,
devoid of any personal style?
All of those things.
All of them.
Yeah.
All right.
What other college goss
do you have for me?
Oh, God.
He never used to wash his jeans.
Yikes.
He was obsessed with this
Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song.
Yeah, and then he
basically lived off of
supermarket donuts.
Right. His taste.
That is...
Yeah, that's something
we're still working on.
Yeah. Not a donut girl?
From the grocery store? No.
Yeah. I mean, the whole
public defender thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah?
I don't know. When
it's just like, violent
crime, you know,
and olive oil. It's...
And also, if I'm being
an asshole and prying-
No, no, you're right.
I don't love his job.
Yeah, it's so sad
and frustrating, bureaucratic.
It's just his heart.
That's why I fell in
love with him. It's...
How do I even say it?
It's boundless.
Yes, boundless.
This is why I need your help.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
"Just Walkin' in the Rain"
by The Prisonaires
It's just a right on Washington.
Yeah, okay.
You really didn't have to.
Oh, yeah, no, it's
like no problem. Fuck.
Blind spot.
I'm sorry.
-No, it's okay.
-I'm sorry.
-Sorry.
-I can do it.
No, it's fine.
This is all good.
-Great.
-Yeah, this is good.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
Still an expert driver.
Okay, respectfully, suck a dick.
-Yeah, Jacques Torres.
-Oh, yes.
You writing anything new?
I mean, there's like a YA novel.
Somewhere in a
folder on my desktop
that no one wanted to publish.
Idiots and assholes.
-Yeah, exactly.
-Yeah.
Okay, Come on, justice system.
Oh, okay.
Let's go.
Homicide, double
hom-triple homicide.
-I want details.
-Really?
I mean, wait, it's not going to
make you squeamish or anything?
Warren, I spent years
falling asleep to SVU
like plenty of healthy
young American women.
[Laughter]
Olivia not a very big
fan of crime scenes?
She worries about how the job
is going to affect me long term.
Want to go defend some
rich, white-collar fucks?
Yeah, I just think that real
money would be
nice at some point.
You know, and relationships
are about compromise.
You like what you
do, though, right?
Oh, no, I love it.
How many people can say that?
Yeah.
Okay, do you remember Tilda?
-Are you kidding?
-She teaches preschool.
-What?
-No, the kids have no idea...
Yeah, there you
go. There she is.
Yeah, the woman of the hour.
What the fuck?
I'm not a pervert.
-Wow.
-Oh, I did not go to
any of those classes.
"Love is Everywhere
(Beware)" by Wilco
You and Olivia, what
do you talk about?
Oh.
God, I don't know.
Like work stuff?
Pilates stuff.
Why?
I don't know.
She just doesn't seem like...
What?
Like my type?
Yes. Yeah.
I could probably say
the same thing about you.
What do you mean?
Although you did date Amanda.
Okay.
So clearly, I don't
actually know your type.
Amanda was a mistake.
-Warren, a two-year mistake.
-Yeah.
But, umm, you know,
Livy, look, I know
she's not the most
down-to-earth person, but
she's a-I don't know.
Warm.
Not to get too cheesy, but,
you know, she has grace.
And, I love the way
she makes people feel.
She makes everyone feel
happy and connected.
My life is a thousand times
more joyful because of her.
So.
Wow.
Yeah.
She's also kinda gorgeous.
She's also gorgeous.
Lucked out.
What about you?
We've had like six meals
today, and you haven't
said a thing about any
kind of romance or...
Ummm.
Well, I was engaged.
Oh.
Yeah.
And now I'm not anymore.
Klaus, I'm -
That - that sucks.
Idiots and assholes, right?
[Music]
It's standing up here
with you, surrounded
by everyone we love,
who loves our love.
It is the most electric
moment of my life.
It makes me understand
tradition and consistency.
God, I feel so much gratitude.
I can't even think about it.
It will make me
want to start looking.
All over the place.
[Music]
You know, I got a little worried.
You got abducted
by aliens or some shit.
Yeah, sorry.
I've been super busy.
Understood.
Well, I mean, did
things go good with
the girl from Tilda's?
Yeah. Yeah, honestly,
it went, like, great.
I've been writing
vows for a bunch of people.
It's kinda crazy that weddings
are so word of mouth.
So my half of the cash?
I'm just saying if I hadn't
convinced you to
do the first vows,
You know, we started
this business together.
Yeah, umm.
Bro, I'm just fucking
with you. Yo, relax.
Damn, your eyes
getting watery and shit.
I'm not going to take your money.
I'm like, what's going on?
I don't know. I
don't think we
really know each other like that.
We know each other.
Okay.
Cuervo. Okay.
-All right.
-Okay, the game is called...
How are you feeling?
Bad Vows.
I've been collecting
a bunch of them
because you learn
just as much from bad
writing as you do
from good writing.
It's like relationships.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to read the vows
to you and ask you some
questions, and if you
get them right, I drink.
If you get them wrong, you drink,
and then we just
go back and forth.
Bro, I'm about to fuck you up.
No, I don't mean like that.
That kinda came
out kinda crazy, right?
-Yeah, a little bit.
-No, I don't...
-Okay.
-All right, come on.
Let's do it.
I'm ready.
Eric, you are my rock,
but not just any rock,
a mountain, but not
just any mountain.
God damn.
First question is, does she
compare him to A, the Alps,
B, Mount Rushmore, or C, Everest?
No, that got to be Everest.
What are you talking about?
It's the only
mountain that matters.
-I'm sorry.
-No, you're playing.
-What do you mean no?
-It's Mount Rushmore.
-Mount Rushmore?
-Yeah.
Nobody would say that.
Give me that. Hell no.
-Read it and weep.
-Let me see that.
Hold on, wait.
She said, "The vision
of Washington, the
genius of Jefferson,
Roosevelt's big stick."
Damn.
I promise to feed you when we're
old and our teeth
are falling out.
Who's he mention more
than his fianc? His mom?
-Stop.
-Come on.
You put it right there.
You put that in this room.
-This is absolutely gross.
-No, go.
Did he propose
at Dave & Busters or at
the Anne Frank House?
What is he talking about when
he says, stank on his hang down?
Shut. No, it's not.
-You made that up.
-That's really nice, right?
-Agape love?
-Agape.
-It's like...
-What is that?
-Agape.
-Like agave?
-Like agave?
-No.
It's like this kinda love.
It's like the biggest kinda
love you can experience.
Like, imagine.
Can you feel it?
It's like the biggest...
The biggest kinda love.
You could feel.
"My Lady's On Fire"
by Ty Segall
Oh, my god, my head!
Hey, sorry.
Sorry, did I wake you?
Yeah, a little bit,
but it's all good.
You put me to
sleep last night, girl.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
Hey, you want to get
some food or something?
Umm, you know, I got
to... I kinda gotta work.
It's 6-6:30.
I know. It's this
fucking client in Europe.
-She's intense.
-Intense?
Oh, well.
Rise and grind.
I dig it.
Umm, listen.
- Last night was like-
- Decadent,
mystical, increble.
But I'm not the writer.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, like all those things.
Umm...
But I, like...
I can't right now.
You know, I just got
out of an engagement,
and I don't think that I, like,
really know what's
going on in my head.
Umm...
Okay.
Yeah, so maybe if
we could just do a
no-strings-attached
kinda thing, maybe.
Yeah, of course.
It should be no strings.
It's pure air, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
It's all right.
It's all right.
[Marion] What about
like, Geritan?
[Genji] Geritan?
[Marion] I don't know.
Come on, you guys.
I pay you to do this.
Names, let's go.
Stella, the unicorn.
That's my grandma's name.
What about Dave, the unicorn?
Come on.
-[Dave] What about Bush?
-[Genji] No.
[Dave] Okay. New thing.
What about a chip
who's taken a vow
of silence, we
call it a chip monk.
[Marion] It's a unicorn.
[Dave] What if it's called Chunk?
I can't tell if you're
joking right now. Chunk?
[Marion] Like, Chunk,
the unicorn?
[Dave] Yeah, because he
eats so many chips.
[Genji] Body shaming.
Client will love that.
[Marion] I mean, all the data
about Gen Alpha
is that they're so
fucking sensitive.
[Genji] Yeah, I feel like
Gen Alpha, though,
[Genji] they're really easy
to manipulate,
which the client does
actually really love.
-[Dave] Aren't you Gen Alpha?
-[Genji] I'm Gen Z.
Can't you tell by my work ethic?
[Marion] Lou, we haven't
heard from you.
Can I get you on camera?
Yeah. I mean, I'm kinda
eating lunch right now.
Is it necessary?
Yeah, well, I need
to see your face.
It's easier to iterate.
Hi. Yeah. Umm...
What about Corny the unicorn?
Just lean into the whole.
Lean into the what?
Wow. Thanks, Genji.
That's...
Shit. I accidentally... it was
supposed to be in an email.
Genji, weren't you just
talking about body shaming?
-Oh, we did it again.
-Fuck.
That wasn't about you, Lou.
That was not about you.
That was about my mom.
Genji, one on one after this.
So, you hung out with Dash?
Yeah, yeah we hung out.
Hung out? How?
Do you want to tell her
that I fucked her cousin?
I fucked your cousin.
Dude, that's fire.
You're going to fuck him again?
I don't know.
Maybe.
You're going to
fuck Smileboy again?
Steven?
Actually, yeah, I am.
-Deedeedeedee, Steven?
-Deedee, what is that?
What is your face?
I don't know. The
last time you told us
the name of someone
you were hooking up
with was literally pre-pandemic.
Well, it's a thing now.
Dude, this is bigger
than Scandoval.
When can we meet this man?
Decade, maybe more if you
keep acting like this.
Wait, so you're
saying you can see
yourself with him for a decade?
Oh my God.
All right, I don't know.
Tilds, okay?
I don't know.
And besides, you're like, what?
You've been married for two days,
three days, and
you're already trying
to live vicariously through me.
This would make me vicarious if I
was literally 22, snorting molly
-off an uncut dick in Cancun.
-Oh my God.
But I will say, I
like this settled down
shit way more than
I thought I would.
I don't have to do my hair to get
someone to want
to have sex with me.
I don't have to hold my farts
in, like, the whole
thing is dope.
-Sounds like it.
-Suck a dick.
[Phone dings]
-What?
-Sorry.
No, it's just Olivia.
Don't look me like that.
I can feel it.
I'm not looking
you like anything.
I can feel it. It's just a
little bit of writer's block.
It's like not a big deal at all.
No, I didn't say a word.
It would be so much
easier to write these vows if
it just made sense as to
why they were together.
For sure. Like the way that
you and Warren make sense.
Uh. A lot of artists get
this shit tangled up.
Okay, Stevie Nicks?
Do not ever compare
yourself to Stevie Nicks.
I'm comparing our burdens,
which are similar.
You're hedging.
Tell her she's hedging
Does she know about the Sexy
Presidents party yet?
Hey Tilda, if you keep mentioning
the Sexy Presidents party,
I'm gonna tell everyone
about your bunions.
She's definitely hedging.
-Hedging.
-You're hedging!
But Rebecca said
that, you know, you've
already sent her
a couple of drafts.
Yeah, I mean, her wedding's
a little before yours.
By a week.
Exactly. And you
know, the thing about
writing, Olivia, is
really that each piece
is kinda birthed, like
out of a different canal.
Look, I just I
really want to make
sure because the
wedding's in a month.
I know.
Yes, ma'am.
I have it literally
in my calendar with an alert.
So...
[FRENCH]
What was that?
Oh, it means, it's hard
to explain in English.
Got it.
I think it might
just be helpful if
you can give me
some more details.
Okay. Umm...
What kind of details?
I mean, that's kinda up to you.
-What about your lunch?
-What lunch?
Warren said you had lunch.
Oh.
You didn't get
details from there?
Yeah, sure. I
mean, I got details
about how much he loves you.
You know I'm also
not writing his vows.
What if...
What if we go on a double date?
You're dating someone?
Just, like, it's kinda new.
But I feel like at the
olive oil dinner, I didn't
really get the opportunity
to see you two together.
And this might give me
that chance to get all those
details, and so I can
wrap this whole thing up.
-Let's do it.
-Yeah, great.
Great. Double date. Great.
-Hi.
-We're about to start.
Yes. Wonderful.
-You're not coming?
-No, God, no.
Not in like a million years.
But you have fun.
Hi. We met, I don't know
if you remember.
-I remember.
-Great.
Yeah. Okay.
My mother spent a
year in Scandinavia,
and that's why she named it Eske.
No, I'm okay, thanks.
Should I have ordered
a white for you, or?
No, it's all good.
It's just the oak notes and
all that shit is lost on me.
I just, I do a little
mezcal on the rocks,
scotch on the rocks.
You know what I'm saying.
We could put some
rocks in the wine.
That's funny.
Might be good.
I like that.
-Where did you meet?
-Oh, just a wedding.
-Okay.
-Yeah, yeah.
Love in the air.
Oh...
Where was there love in the air?
Lou and Dash met at a wedding.
Yes.
I mean, we could have
met at a gas station,
and there still would
have been love in the air.
Oh, my God.
It was Tilda's wedding, Dash
and Tilda, they're cousins.
-Tilda?
-Yeah.
It's a wild gene
pool, like, for real.
So you guys, how
did you guys meet?
I don't think I've heard
the story yet, right?
-Oh, yeah. Umm...
-Please, baby.
No, you tell it,
baby. Please.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
It was three years ago. Wow.
I was living in SF.
Livy was up visiting friends,
walking out of
her hotel one night.
Yeah, and I saw him in the lobby.
He was trying to
retie this bow tie.
The bow tie?
Yeah, this was for a
legal aid fundraiser thing.
Bro, I bet you look
good in a tux, man.
He does.
He really does.
For real, right?
My man got the jawline going.
Right?
The hair.
-Look at the middle part.
-He does. You're right.
The middle part is going crazy.
-It's good.
-That's so funny.
Anyway, so he was about
to strangle himself.
And I've watched my
dad tie a thousand bow
ties, so I helped and
we started talking.
I was complaining about the food.
Yeah, you were.
And I asked if he'd ever
had the chicken at Zuni.
-I had no idea what that was.
-So cute.
What is that?
-Chicken at Zuni?
-No.
It's a really famous chicken.
Oh, famous chicken?
-Oh.
-Yeah.
Dope. Yeah, that's cool.
You know when you hear
that voice in your head?
Like, this.
-Don't let this go.
-Right.
So I canceled on my friends
and we went and had chicken,
and we talked for, like,
-five hours.
-Five hours.
-Long time.
-Wow. That's...
I mean, there was a year
of long distance after that.
Yeah, but it only
made us stronger.
Totally, totally, yes.
It'd be crazy not to stress test
a relationship before marriage.
But in the end, you
convinced me to move back.
I mean, whatever
it takes for love.
Yeah.
-To love, come on.
-Yes, 100%.
-Cheers.
-To love.
To love.
Drink to that.
Yeah, I mean, so what's
super sad is his brother.
The one he killed?
Yeah, it was my
client's character
witness in the
first parole hearing.
That's some biblical shit.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
How did he do it?
It was...
It's kinda like...
Oh, sorry, sorry. I know that
you hate this stuff, right?
What? No, I don't hate it.
Oh.
What?
You kinda do.
We don't, we don't
have to talk about this.
This is my fault.
We can just change
the subject, okay?
Has Lou let you read
any of her writing?
A little bit.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Pretty fantastic.
Am I right?
-Wow, crazy.
-Do you guys want dessert?
The budino sounded kinda dope
She's always been bad
at taking compliments.
No, I'm not.
It's just that I mostly
write internet trash, so...
Wait, what do you mean mostly?
I'd get the budino.
So you are writing something?
Or even the gelato.
No, I can't talk about it.
I mean, is it
another YA thing or-
It's like a ghost
writing situation.
Okay.
Wow. Congrats. When
do we get to know what it is?
Oh, my God, like.
40 or 50 years. I don't know.
It's like a fucking
fucking Warren Report thing.
Like the Kennedy
assassination Warren...
Yo, my man.
Thanks, bro.
Can we order-can we order
some dessert, please?
Can we... budino, budino,
budi-three budino, please.
And a gelato and an
apple tart, because...
-You good?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm...
I think I just had way
too much dessert.
It's my bad.
No, no. You were just...
You were just
trying to help me out.
Well, by the way,
I got you a little...
Sorry, Not Sorry.
Actually, Sorry. What?
When I looked at my skirt,
I realized, oh my God,
a period was more
than a punctuation mark.
Look, I'm just saying, if this
shit is a YA best seller,
you can write a
hit in your sleep.
Twilight 2.0, baby.
Thank you.
That's really-
that's really sweet.
And thank you for coming tonight.
We got Pellies, Topos, Sanzis.
Sounds exotic.
What can I say?
I like a good sparkling.
Thank you.
Does Tilda have a
rich uncle or am I...?
I mean, my Pops does alright.
He has his own
dry cleaning joint,
but I bought this place.
Fuck, I don't even know
what you do for work.
Commercial real estate.
It's like offices, restaurants,
medical spaces.
My boy Arjun just hit me up about
200,000 square
feet in retail in Miami.
Why do I look like
I'm blowing your mind?
No, I just...
I didn't know.
You bought a house.
I don't...
-Okay.
-Yeah.
No one in our generation is
buying houses, first of all.
Second of all,
you didn't just buy a house.
Bought like a really
fucking nice house.
Thank you. Thank you.
-You know!
-You're welcome.
You didn't think I
was a serious person.
-No.
-That's all right.
Okay, I do think
you're a serious person.
It's just, like, your
whole aesthetic. It's kinda
Okay. The cologne,
the lights in the car.
You like the lights in the car.
-What are you talking about?
-It's a strip club car.
No.
I should've just stayed home
and watched Vanderpump.
You got a problem with that, too?
No.
I feel like you got a problem
with a few things tonight.
No, no, no on the contrary,
I think it might be
the greatest artistic achievement
-of the 21st century.
-Stop.
I don't believe you.
You're trolling me. Stop.
I'm being completely
serious right now.
Bro, seriously?
Yes, bro.
Seriously.
Lala or Scheana?
Oh, for a million reasons,
- Scheana
- Yes, that's my...
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Everyone has a hidden talent.
What's your hidden talent?
Get a bigger sign next time
buddy. It's a little small.
No, I can't. It's
fucking crazy.
After what you did to your
friend. What you did to Ariana
It's not about the bon-bons.
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Huh!
Stop. Stop. Why
would you do that?
I just told you I'm
afraid of heights.
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
-What?
-What?
"Stay High" by Childish
Gambino & Brittany Howard
Oh my God. Dash.
Dude, this burrito is like...
Like kinda amazing?
Oh, shit.
-Arjun, you dog.
-What?
That Miami thing came through.
He needs me
down there six months.
It's crazy.
Hey, that's great, isn't it?
I mean, you know?
I was born in Taiwan,
but my parents
moved to Houston when I was four.
Amazing. I've never been
to Houston.
Or Taiwan.
Or Taiwan.
Wait, should we all go?
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Well, which one, though?
-I think both.
-Okay.
Yeah, why not?
We're doing it.
I told you that they'd
be on one. I'm sorry.
Lou!
You want another coffee?
Yes, Jeffrey.
Thank you.
And a new personality.
Steven, what do you do for work?
-I'm a landscape architect.
-Amazing.
We've actually been talking about
redoing our yard,
right, babe? Babe.
[Jeffrey] We live in a
condo, though.
Well, we have a lot
of fucking plants, so
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Anyway, I can't wait
to see your work.
I'm sure it's just
amazing like you.
Do you know any other
adjectives besides amazing?
Yeah, I do.
Dickhole.
That's a noun.
I don't mind being
told that I'm amazing.
-I know.
-Just calm down.
Next time you come
by the house, we can
show you what we
started doing to the front.
Wait, what?
The house.
Gus's house?
-Yeah.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Did you two move in together?
You haven't told
your best friends?
I didn't tell them
because they're crazy.
Tell us what?
-They moved in together.
-We're getting married.
Wait, what did he just say?
What the fuck did he just say?
-We're getting married.
-No, what?!
-Oh my God!
-No!
Congratulations! Who
proposed to who?
I did.
And he said yes.
We're fucking getting married.
Holy fucking shit.
I didn't expect them to say that.
Welcome to the family.
Oh my God.
Gus, that's, that's, that's
that's amazing.
-Yeah?
-You just
popped the question?
-I just did it.
-He's even hotter.
Yeah, he's very hot.
I know.
-Oh, that could be cute.
-With a corduroy?
How about a blue velvet?
I am actually happy for you.
-I can tell.
-Thank you.
It's just been, like,
an insane last few months.
I don't know.
Okay, but hasn't
the wedding thing taken off?
I mean, aren't you the fucking
Cyrano of Chicago now?
-Yeah.
-And Dash?
I mean, he's sweet.
He's really sweet.
And maybe some kinda genius.
It's just he's leaving
for six months,
and I still have Graham's boxes
everywhere, and I'm writing
fucking Warren's vows, like...
Dude, why are you
still writing the vows?
You know how long
I've been waiting for
someone to give a
shit about my writing.
And they finally do.
And I'm not just going
to quit over this, like...
I'm better at clearing dishes
than I am at picking out suits.
God, why can't I just
have everything I want?
You know, like the
fucking relationship and the
job and maybe a little
bit of freedom from guilt.
Because you're not
a straight white male.
Born before 1975.
I just thought it was
an important distinction.
For sure.
"Baby Baby"
by The Shuffles Inc.
[Phone dings]
"Baby Baby"
by The Shuffles Inc.
Fuck!
[Message pops]
[Typing]
[Message pops]
[Mobile rings]
So you've been googling me, too.
Calm down. I Google a
lot of things. Thank you.
Really? What's the
last thing you googled?
Are you trying to data mine me?
I'll tell you my search
history, if you tell me yours.
Okay, you first.
Let's go.
Last three?
-Unedited, please.
-Unedited.
Okay.
Resistance bands
chest workout [Lou laughs]
Whatever, pilates.
Best parking United Center.
And how to fix a
P-trap, you're up.
Okay!
Ummm...
Makeup remover, cheap, organic.
Okay, you are so editing.
I am so not editing.
Um... how many
cups in a quart?
Four.
And is Ariana and Katie's
sandwich shop still open?
Obviously.
Wait. Who's Ariana and Katie?
Warren.
VPR.
Vice President.
Vanderpump Rules?
I thought that we were
friends. That's really...
-That's fucked.
-I mean, we are.
We are. We are.
Which brings me to
the reason I called.
What do you think about coming
to my bachelor party on Saturday?
What?
I don't... uhh, why?
Look, it's not going
to be one of those.
It'll be fun.
Educational.
I hate to say it, but I
really don't think that
going to a strip club is
totally educational for me.
I do have my own vagina.
Yeah, look, it's no
strippers, I promise.
Just say you'll come, please.
Come on, Klaus.
Come on, Klaus.
Come on, Klaus.
Fine.
Okay.
-Yes.
-What is it?
-Tell me.
-Amazing.
I'll tell you on
Saturday. Okay.
Got to go before you
change your mind. Bye.
What the fuck?
[Music]
Fuck.
[Music]
This is all garbage.
[Music]
Hell, yeah.
There we go.
Let's go! What's up, buddy?
Come on, boy.
Come on, man.
-Lou, this is Teddy.
-What's up?
-Hey.
-What's up?
Remember Lou from school?
-Hey, how are you?
-Good to see you.
How have you been?
By then, your
tires should be nice
and baked and you
can really punch it.
These cars can hit a top speed
of 160 on the straightaways.
The helmets can absorb a
thousand cubic pounds of
impact. The suits are
fire retardant.
- In the event any
- Oh, shit. I'm going full
fucking Lewis
Hamilton on this shit.
Drive to survive?
-Drive to survive.
-Drive to survive.
Drive to survive.
-Drive to survive.
-Come on.
-Drive to survive.
-Don't fight it.
Drive to survive!
"Pomeranian Spinster"
by Alvvays
[Warren] Klaus, you want
to open it up a bit?
[Lou] Oh, I think this is
as wide as she goes. Yup.
[Waren] What are you
so afraid of?
Death, dismemberment,
being engulfed in...
Did nobody read
the waiver but me?
You're overthinking it.
I think you're
under thinking it, Warren.
Okay, when you're
writing, do you ever
get into that zone,
that flow state?
I mean, I guess so.
It's like that.
Don't think.
Just react.
Fuck it.
-Oh, my God.
-Lou, you're doing it!
"Pomeranian Spinster"
by Alvvays
Three times what
she was doing before.
I drive faster in parking lots.
Bro, that's not cool.
I did it.
That was better, right?
Shit.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-Oh my God.
-I think so.
Oh my God.
You were such a dork,
that you used to make us do
the Settlers of Catan
tournaments on your birthday.
Settlers of Catan,
best board game ever.
Yeah, if you're doing
mushrooms like we were.
What?
Also, I thought
you liked Settlers.
Wheat trading?
Harry Potter in the Quad?
Harry Potter's a masterpiece.
Dude, Harry Potter's canceled.
We're not going to
talk about this, okay?
-Exactly.
-No.
Well, it's safe to say that you
two are just big fucking nerds.
Oh, really? Oh, are we
broing down right now?
-Let's bro down.
-Fine, let's go, bros.
Whooaaa!
Thought there was a
beer in there.
Where'd it go?
Where'd it go?
Okay, okay, shut up.
Get out.
Next round's on me.
Okay.
Okay, black car's gonna
be here in...
-There you go.
-So Lou, what do you think?
You want to roll to
the strip club with us?
Roll to the strip?
Oh, no, I don't.
I really don't.
-Strip to survive.
-Strip to survive.
Strip to survive!
Strip to survive!
Strip to survive!
Guys, guys, guys.
I don't want to go either.
Dude, Warren, it's your
bachelor party.
Yeah, I...
Strippers make me sad.
No, dude, strippers
make you happy.
Yeah, it's fun.
I've pre-paid for a
champagne room.
I love you guys.
But just please, go without me.
All right, well, we about
to have the breast time ever.
Was he hot at least?
You know, I wouldn't know.
Because when he came in,
I hid myself in the bathroom.
Okay.
And I started fighting
with him about
whether or not he was a feminist.
Wow.
I really missed you.
Is Olivia...
Is she enjoying Cabo?
Yeah, I think so.
Based on her Instagram.
Yeah.
What are you going
to tell her about your eye?
The truth.
I was attacked.
-Viciously? Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, man...
You know...
What?
I was in love with
you in college.
Ah, Warren.
You dated Amanda.
Yeah.
There was...
Remember that Sexy
Presidents party?
You know, I was...
You were Nixon, I was Ford,
and Matt Bartok was rolling
around in a wheelchair,
screaming, "I'm FDR."
-Yeah!
-Yeah.
Yeah, and Amanda
was Monica Lewinsky.
-Yes.
-The white stain and all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was the night you guys-
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Because I was messed up over you.
You don't remember?
I leaned in to kiss
you, and then you
made up some excuse
to go to the bathroom
and peaced out.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
We're dancing. Now.
Come on.
No, it's a fear, a fear
of embarrassment.
You made me drive a race car.
"Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou
[Phone dings]
[Olivia VM] Hey Lou,
[Olivia VM] two weeks until
my wedding and
still I haven't seen a
single word of these vows
So, I think we need
to set a hard deadline
Rebecca's wedding
that's Saturday, six days, if
you wanna, you know,
put it in your calendar.
No, Chel, the
lounge is over there.
[Music]
Just using that, ziplock bag,
that's a strong move too.
Smarter than using
just the plastic bag.
At this point, though,
you're probably wondering...
[Laptop] When the writer
is able to intertwine
her intellectual observation...
[Music]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
-Tom Schwartz.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Wait, do we...
-Have we...
-No.
Okay, you look familiar.
You're a fan of the show?
-Yeah, Lou.
-Lou. Hello.
I love that name.
I love VPR.
I feel like we met before.
-I don't know what it is.
-I don't know.
Face? I don't know.
Something.
Nice to meet
you, Lou. I'm Tom.
[Music]
Yeesh!
I'm going to South Beach
when Chicago's got this.
World's not fair.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Because in that moment,
the borders between us dissolve.
And I know, know in my mind.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
I heard you wrote
Rebecca's vows. I loved them.
-I was obsessed.
-Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. Oh, food,
thank God.
Excuse me.
Bruschetta, hell,
yeah. Thank you, babe.
Lou!
- Hey,
- We need to...
I was just enjoying
the hors d'oeuvres.
Look, Olivia, I...
Here we go.
What's the excuse now?
No.
Olivia, I didn't write your vows,
and I can't write your vows.
I just...
I can't.
What's the real story
between you and Warren?
You hooked up in college?
Please.
Look, we didn't hook up.
I swear we...
You're going to eat
the fucking crostino or what?
Hmm?
No.
You know what? Honestly,
it doesn't even matter.
Warren will tell
me what happened.
I just...
I can't believe I hired
you to write my vows.
You don't know
anything about love.
I could write something
better in 10 minutes.
"Allegro Con Brio" by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Let's hear it one more
time for Rebecca's Dad.
[Clapping]
[faint] Mindy and Rebecca.
Their first dance as newlyweds.
Hey, you good?
I saw Olivia, and she
looked salty as hell.
It's fine.
Look, I know you said no strings.
Dash.
I know I'm always
playing it real cool, but
I think you should
come to Miami with me.
Dash, it's been a
really long day, and I
don't think we need
to do this right now.
I just have to get
this off my chest.
This, us, our connection.
I don't...
I think there's so
much more there
that I don't think you realize.
This kinda thing doesn't happen,
you know, all the time.
Like, ever.
Yeah.
Say something.
Fuck, you wrote
those vows, and all
of a sudden you're
like, speechless.
I don't know.
Dash, I'm flattered.
I am.
I like you.
I do like you.
I just...
Fuck.
It's all good.
I'm gonna...
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
I'll see you around.
Bravo Con or some shit.
I don't know.
[Music]
-Klaus.
-Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
-Hey.
-The vows.
They were so good.
Oh, thank you.
They made me cry.
Thank you again.
Do you want to
take a hit of this?
Oh, I'm all good.
It's dank. Okay
Okay.
Who was that?
I have no idea.
[Music]
What are you going
to do with that?
Something graceful, obviously.
Fuck.
Very graceful.
I try.
I really...
I try.
What do we have?
Want a drink?
No.
[Music]
So, the other night?
Yeah.
I...
Warren.
I was in love with
you, too, in college.
I just...
God, I had no idea that we
were on the same page.
I thought I was so, so obvious.
Yeah, you probably were.
But I was so in my head then.
I didn't stop to think that
I could just talk to you.
You know and...
I mean,
I...
I wish you said
this 10 years ago.
I fucking knew it!
Livy.
[Olivia screams]
-Olivia, please!
-Fuck.
What are you...
What are you...
Oh, my God.
-Snakes! Both of you.
-No, Livy. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, Olivia,
it's not what it looks like.
Oh, my God.
She does play tennis.
-Livy, let me explain.
-Oh, God.
Okay, it's not
what it looks like.
Don't you dare.
It is exactly what it looks like.
You're a liar.
You are a liar.
I asked you point
blank and you lied.
Yeah, you're right.
-I know I'm right.
-Warren.
Is she wearing your fucking coat?
Can I?
Can I just come out?
Can I stand up and can we talk?
Are you sure you want to?
Are you sure you don't want
to just stay with that snake?
Let her wear all your coats.
Livy, please. Can
we please calm down?
Stop saying, please.
Please, what?
-She is a snake.
-OK, Warren. This is insane.
Do you still not
know about her vows?
Why she's at this wedding?
Why she's suddenly
back in your life?
What vows? What?
Rebecca's vows?
Not just Rebecca, tons of people.
Warren, just listen to me
for a second, please.
I hired her.
I hired her.
You?
-You hired her?
-You think we'd be friends?
Really?
You think she knows
how to do pilates?
She's trash at pilates.
I mean, why couldn't you just...
Because she doesn't -
I wanted to say something
worthy of my love for you.
I thought she could help.
I didn't realize it
was a fucking con.
A con?
Olivia, what con?
You reached out to me.
You turned this into a lie.
If he's the love of your
life like you say he is,
why is it so hard
for you to string
two sentences together about him?
I'm sorry that you hate his job
and that you hate
his taste, okay?
But I don't.
I think those might be
the best parts of him.
- You know, and-
- Livy, just listen to me.
Yeah.
That.
That's how she feels.
I had a crush on her in college.
And, you know, getting married-
It's not an excuse.
I've been scared.
But nothing is more
important to me than you.
Livy, you are my forever,
I love you so much.
Please, I'm begging you, please,
can we just talk about this?
Somewhere else.
Of course, somewhere else.
[Gus] I think a slightly
bigger break in the pant.
[Gus] Yeah, right there.
Exactly.
[Gus] That's perfect.
[Tilda] You look sexy as hell.
-[Gus] Okay. Lapels?
-Notched or peaked?
[Tilda] Notched. Lou,
what do you think?
[Lou] I mean, literally
[Lou] who cares as long
as you're not wearing
velvet slippers like
an asshole, right?
Hey, sir, do you buy
wedding dresses?
Like the unused ones?
-No.
-That's fine.
I'll just wear it for every
Halloween until I die.
Fucking here we go again.
That way, when I come back
as a ghost to haunt all the
children my exes had with
wives they actually loved,
wraith-me can be
covered in tattered lace,
symbolizing all my unraveled
connections.
Is there a bathroom?
There's one right over there.
I'm harshing the vibe, aren't I?
Sorry, it's just that
90% of my clients
quit overnight because weddings-
weddings are word of mouth.
I'm assuming you don't want
me to work on your vows.
You know, I don't
think I could come up
with something as good
as that wraith speech
you just gave, but
I think whatever I
do say should
probably come from me.
Great.
Yeah, no.
The fucking
avoidant attachment
style king found love that I-
You know what?
Shut the fuck up.
I know you're going through
it, but I'm not going to let
you ruin this for Gus the way
you ruined my bachelorette.
Aren't writers supposed
to be good at empathy?
Okay, well, clearly, I'm not
a fucking real writer, then.
Oh, wah, wah, wah!
I am so sick of your bullshit.
This is a situation
that you created,
and you're not the only...
- the only
- Casualty.
Yeah, casualty.
Thank you.
You almost ruined an
engagement out of nostalgia.
And instead of being a
remotely decent friend.
You use the two of
us as pain sponges in
moments that were
supposed to be about us.
God, I thought I
was the dumb one.
[Music]
[Marion] I need it simpler,
snappier, guys.
It's not an Atlantic article.
[Genji] I've given you 20.
It's sparkle time,
horny for Corny,
mythical crunch, mystical crunch.
Do you need more?
[Marion] No, I hate all of those.
And so we turn to
Lou, who never wants
to offer anything
unless solicited.
Lou, do you have any ideas?
Tagline.
Uhhh...
God, okay.
A couple of things before I go.
I know that Corny the
Unicorn was my idea, but
it makes no fucking
sense for a potato chip.
What are you talking about?
Of course it does.
They're completely
different starches.
So we're locked in production.
Like, art is being made.
What are you talking about?
-I'm quitting.
-For real?
-Yeah.
-No, Lou, you can't quit.
-Yeah.
-Listen.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
[Music]
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to try and say
anything about your love.
You can't say a
million times better.
But in a minor attempt
for reparation.
I've sent you both my notes
on what you said
about each other.
Olivia, you said how
much you love Warren's
boundless heart and his
dedication to helping people.
Warren
You said Olivia's
warmth and optimism
has made your life
so much more joyful.
That she brings
everyone together.
Someone wise once told me,
it's good to test a
relationship before marriage.
I'm sorry that I've
been that test for you,
but
if you needed any convincing
of your own insight,
eloquence, and faith
in one another,
I hope this helps.
-You actually sent this?
-Yeah.
That's not...
Fuck. That's not easy.
Is that?
-That's your dress.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, God.
Adita looks way better
in it than I ever did, huh?
You're not wrong.
"Unchained Melody"
by The Fleetwoods
Steven Anthony Dent.
I never thought I'd be
up here with anyone.
But that's because
until a few months
ago, I didn't know you existed.
So,
I don't know if you
guys knew this,
but like all great love stories,
ours started on Tinder.
[Laughter]
In a few months,
actually three months,
to be exact, you've
taught me more about
myself than I've learned
in the last 30 years.
My whole life, I've been
skeptical of how we're
trained to express love.
You've shown me that
real love grows out of
all the little things,
the little in between moments.
You rubbing my back for a few
seconds for no reason at all.
You squeezing my hand right now
so I don't cry
through these vows.
Because it's those moments
where all the barriers I've
spent years putting
up, it all goes away.
I'm just present in
my body, in my heart,
grateful that I
could live in this
connection through our
palms and fingertips.
I've spent the last 10 years.
"Unchained Melody"
by The Fleetwoods
-What?
-What, what, what?
-It's Dash.
-What's Dash?
Are you sure he's not just a
rebound from your rebound?
No, I mean it's all kinda
hitting really fucking fast, but
No, I mean, all these
vows I've written, it's like
It's because I'm good at
intellectualizing love, but,
fuck!
Fuck!
Tild! Hearing
Gus I never felt
any of that with
Warren or Graham.
But, Dash, he's
like, like the opposite.
Like, I don't have to force it.
It's all feeling, but, God, I
am the dumb one. Aren't I?
Well, we're all the dumb
one in our own way.
-[Door knocking]
-Right?
Who is it?
Are you guys doing
coke without me?
-God, it's my wedding.
-Sadly, no, but,
Lou finally realized
that it's Dash.
Wow, welcome to the conversation.
Except, now, he's
leaving all winter.
Fuck, Miami.
When does he
leave? Do you know?
This weekend. Honestly,
I think this afternoon.
-What do I do?
-You go and you stop him.
Yeah, this minute.
Go! Right now.
-Yeah! Are you sure?
-God, yes, I love you.
Okay, I fucking love you. Go.
-It's okay?
-Yes! It's okay. Go!
I love you so much. I love
you guys so fucking much.
I'm sorry that I used you as pain
sponges. I'm so
grateful for you.
Dude, you did that.
Those vows were the best
vows that I've ever heard
They were really good.
Now, go, go, I love you.
Oh, shit.
Steven, congratulations.
I need to leave right now, but
we have so many
moments ahead of us.
-Go!
-Go!
"Linger" by Royel Otis
[Door closes]
[Engine starts]
[Music stops]
Okay, who the fuck
am I actually kidding?
No, I'm going to get a car.
Fuck.
Oh my God.
Okay, I don't want
you to break the law
or anything, and I know this is
a little on the nose, but there
is a man about to board a plane.
What do you want me to do? You
want me to ram the other cars?
-Hey!
-Sorry. Sorry.
Don't let it burn.
Don't let it fade
Okay. Oh, my God. I'm totally
going to fucking miss him.
But it's just
your attitude
But it's tearing me apart
And it's
ruining every day
I swore
I swore I would be true
And honey, so did you
So why were you
holding her hand?
Is it just the way
we stand?
Were you lying
all the time?
Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such
a fool for you
You got me wrapped
around your finger
Do you have to
let it linger?
Do you have to,
do you have to
Do you have
to let it linger
Oh, I
Sorry!
Excuse me!
Thought
the world of you
I thought nothing
could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you
could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't
be so confused
And I wouldn't
feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I'm in so deep
Fuck.
Hi.
What's with the shoes?
I had to run here.
Why?
How far?
I can check my Fitbit, but...
You are never not
roasting me, huh?
No, you're right.
I'm not here to roast you.
No, you're here
because that other dude
is getting married
and you're tripping.
The way I treated you has been...
-Selfish.
-Yeah.
-As fuck.
-Pretty much.
Very much.
Do you realize how much
I put myself out there?
I'm sorry.
Look, my car to the
airport is coming in
a sec, so I gotta get...
No, Dash, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I didn't
take you seriously.
I've never met anyone like you,
been with anyone like you.
And for someone who's a
fucking idiot and a coward and
loves self-sabotage,
it's so scary.
I think you might be the most
amazing person
that I've ever met.
You know, you're like...
You're relentlessly generous and
open and full of
this wisdom that's
more insightful than anything I
could think of in an entire year.
And you're funny.
You're so funny. And,
our sex is like...
It's really
And more than
any of that, you are-
You are so confident
in who you are.
You know what you want.
And I...
I don't know when we're
together, I feel hopeful.
And I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I just...
I just...
I want to be with you.
Please.
You didn't pre-write that shit?
No, I just...
No, I...
No.
Damn.
I think that might have been
the sexiest minute of my life.
...go wrong but
I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you
could get by
Trying not to lie
-Fuck.
-What?
I gotta leave.
I gotta go to Miami.
I can't bail on Arjun.
I can be gone for six months.
Wait, for real?
Yeah.
I mean, the best part
of being a struggling YA
writer is you can do it
from literally anywhere.
And I've had way too
many Chicago burritos.
I think it's time to deep dive
on those Cuban sandwiches.
Cuban sandwiches.
Every day, every day.
That's my girl.
You know I'm such
a fool for you
You got me wrapped
around your finger
Do you have to
let it linger?
Do you have to,
do you have to
Do you have to
let it linger?
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
-She loves Miami.
-I do love Miami.
Brides out there they love her,
the vow business is going crazy.
What's up with the book?
She's sending it to publishers,
I'm telling you
it's a bestseller.
-Yeah!
-Bestseller.
Do you guys go to
the IMAX theater?
-Babe.
-I thought she was going.
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
Go around the circle
and say one thing that you
love about everyone and
one constructive criticism.
One thing I love about you, the
way that no hats fit your head.
None of them fit.
Everything goes full yarmulke.
There's a lot of conditioners
in the shower, and
I feel like some of
them are a bit redundant.
I feel like you can
leave some of them out.
I wish you weren't
so poetic all the
time, and I wish
you just said things.
You know what I'm saying?
"Little of Your Love"
by Haim
"Good as Gold"
by Scheana Marie ft The 27s
-Yell it even louder daddy.
-Shhh!