Love on the Run (1936) Movie Script
I'll get it!
No, no, never mind.
I'll get it.
I think it's for me.
Maybe it's for me.
Yeah, well I'll
let you know.
Hello?
Good morning.
It's 11 o'clock.
Assassinated! Well give me the details!
Are all newspaper
men lunatics?
Near Saint Gregory's?
Hey, get into
youre Dutch.
Prince... Prince Dittleboomer,
whatever his name is...
that guy who's gonna
marry Sally Parker
has just been
assassinated.
Uh huh. In front
of the Cathedral.
Shot through the heart with an
old copy of the New York chronicle.
It's 11:00. you see,
Michael, my sweetheart,
I left the call.
Barney, you say things at
times in a way that hurts.
Now we've covered
assignments together
for our dear little
papers all over the world.
Share and share alike.
Yeah. Two for you
and one for me.
Now those are the things
that cut deeply.
Then I'll try to think
of some more of them.
Go on. Get to the tag.
We've both got to cover two
tame assignments, haven't we?
Yep. A Spandermann
stratosphere flight
and the wedding of Sally
Parker to that phony prince.
And for some
bright reason,
you want to cover
the Spandermann hop.
Well, you don't like the baron,
sweetheart, he's a publicity pest.
So why do you want
the assignment?
Well, I used
to fly a bit.
I'm interested
in aviation.
And you think maybe a real piece
of news might break there, huh?
I give you my word.
If anything breaks,
I'll pass it on to you
before I cable it in.
You could have been sitting in the
theatre the night Lincoln was shot
and you wouldn't
have covered me.
I'd have told
you, I swear.
Oh, yeah. You'd have told
me Lincoln shot booth.
Call it.
Heads.
Tails.
You get Parker.
Parker...
Hey, Mike. Take it off.
We want to see the rabbits.
You can't take a rib, huh?
Follow that cab!
Is everything over, sir?
Over? It's just started!
That's the Parker
girl, wasn't it?
The wedding
isn't over, is it?
She looked to me like she'd been crying.
I thought she
was laughing.
Eighth floor,
please.
Hold it a minute
for the baron.
Hello.
How do you do?
I thought you were covering
little Sals meeting festivities.
I am.
What are you
doing here?
Well I finished my
story, Mr. Pells.
Only the unimaginative type
of newspaper man like yourself
would sit through
the ordeal.
I'm off for
a little recreation.
Oh, you're dealing with a
superior mentality, poppo.
Where did you steal
those flowers?
A slight case of
romance, Mr. Pells,
something that'll never
come into your life.
Now listen, Mike,
whenever you get polite this way
you're sitting on something hot.
Now be a pal, will you?
You doubt me, Mr. Pells?
No, I don't doubt you.
I just think
you're lying.
Mein apartment!
Baron! I'd like to have
you meet Mike Anthony.
Just another reporter
on your trail like me.
Ah, a reporter!
Yeah! Wants
a special interview
with the New York
chronicle. Their best man.
They took him off the
Parker wedding to cover you.
Delighted...
flowers for the baroness and everything.
That's the chronicle,
for you.
Baron, this
isn't exactly...
America is waiting for my flight
through the stratosphere, ja?
Look, Baron,
Mr. Pells here...
yes, the latest
photograph
of the baroness
and myself.
The official takeoff is this afternoon.
I have more here.
Yes, that's very nice,
Baron, but...
Pells: Well, you wouldn't
want to go, would you?
Where are your manners?
You'll excuse
my wife, please.
She's having her
usual salt rub.
Excellent before
I'm flying.
Pells: What a story-
conditioning.
Mind and body
must be fit.
Noble pair battles elements.
Saxons conquer the ether.
Ah, exactly. You see,
the fleeing abarelle,
an invention of
my own,
you have photographers
downstairs, of course.
Yes, yes.
We should leave the hotel
dressed for the flight.
The management has kindly
cooperated in the publicity.
Well, look, Baron, if you'll
cooperate for just one minute...
you see the oxygen helmets
are not like any others.
They present
a radical departure...
yes, well Im about to present
a radical departure myself.
Hey, was ist?
Look, hey look, Baron,
Mr. Pells there,
he's just being funny.
I'm not a reporter, and i
just happened to remember
that I left the water
running in the bathtub.
Thanks a lot, Baron.
I'll see you later.
No, no, no. Where are
you going, Mr. Pells?
Well, as a matter of fact,
Baron, I just remembered that...
whoa, Mr. Pells,
don't go, don't go.
I have yet to explain my
whole purpose in this plan.
Where we go, and how
we go, and why we go.
What's a matter,
Sally Parker?
Take them away!
Do you hear me?
Take them right
back to Igor
and throw them in his
contemptible little face,
and you can tell him
and his queasy old uncle
if they want anybody to
sign a marriage settlement,
they can get another girl.
But, Miss Parker...
he wanted me for
myself, did he?
Only I had to buy
him in the bargain.
Well I'd buy his
whole Russian swamp
if I was sure he
didn't go with it.
That's what I'd do.
You can tell him that!
And you can tell his
uncles and his aunts
and his sisters
and his cousins and...
who are you?
Who, me? Oh, i... i
just want to help you.
How much will
that cost me?
Or do you happen
to be a reporter?
A reporter?
Well whatever
gave you that idea?
Then you must be from
that blind I nearly married.
You go back and tell
him that I'll...
I must admit
it Sally Parker,
i... well Im just
somebody that's known you
and thought of
you ever since,
well ever since I saw
your picture
in the rotogravure
section as a debutante.
That was
a long time ago.
Well, it wasn't
that long ago.
Well I mean that it seems that
way to me, not really meeting you.
Well, today I went
to saint Gregorys
to look at you for the
last time, that's all.
Sort of a silent
good-bye.
Do you expect me
to believe that?
No, I mean... uh, well i
know it sounds a little...
well a little Elsie
Dinsmore, but it's true.
Oh, oh, it's nice
to know that...
it's nice to know that someone
else besides my board of directors
and 9 million reporters really
cares about what happens to me.
But all my governesses and guardians never
stopped me from fighting my own battles,
and I'll take care
of this one, too.
If that's that dear, charming
attendee of royal bread pudding,
I'll tell him
a thing or two.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
That might be
reporters.
Reporters? Buzzards.
All right, let them come up.
I'll give them some real
headlines for once:
How Sally Parker
found romance.
So much down,
so much for every kiss.
Oh, oh Im sorry.
I thought you'd be pretty tired
of all this cheap notoriety.
I'm sick to my
stomach of reporters.
I've been blinded by their
flashlights ever since I can remember.
They put my impacted wisdom
tooth on the front page.
This ought a make
newspaper history!
Oh, you poor kid, you're
all tied up in... knots.
You ought a get away by yourself
for awhile and think things over.
That's what Igor said.
Dear, sweet, romantic Igor.
He was to be my... my escape,
and he turned out to be...
oh, I feel so cheap
and ashamed of myself.
So it's Igor, is it?
You'd like to hear
some more, would you?
Miss Parker, wait.
He may not be alone.
Sally, my baby love.
My baby love...
don't you baby love me,
and don't you touch me.
She means it,
your Excellency.
But my darling, what
did I say? What did I do?
You scurrilous
little scavenger.
But my sweet one, my...
Im not at advantage.
Have I met
this gentleman?
Don't be silly. Where would
you ever meet a gentleman?
My little treasure,
I mean my baby love,
you're the sweetest thing.
We do know each other.
No, no, no. Never had
the pleasure, Im sure.
I'm positive
your face is...
I warn you if
you continue
to foul the air
I breathe-out...
but my darling,
for why are you angry?
My uncle only asked you
to sign a little paper
to insure our happiness.
I don't want
any insurance.
I'm cancelling
my order
and they can put you
back in Macys window.
Yes, $5 million is hardly
a bargain, your Excellency.
It was not
$5 million, only 3.
Oh, what? How much?
$3 million only and my
darling becomes the princess.
We met in Berlin, yes?
No, no, I'm
sorry old man.
But I don't want it.
Well, but she...
my darling, come back
to the Cathedral,
then to my people,
to my country.
Your country?
Your people?
A lot of second-hand sturgeon
looking for a river to lay an egg in.
Oh, no, no, now really, Miss Parker,
Chelyabinsks a charming little state.
Well, they're financially
unsound, I must admit,
but a member of
the league of nations...
aha, now I know him.
In Geneva, it was.
But darling, do you
realize who this man is?
He is...
why did you do that?
He's said just about
enough to you.
You... you didn't
kill him, did you?
I don't think so.
Woman: The is Jeannine,
mademoiselle.
Jeannine! Your maid.
Well, here they come.
What next?
I don't know. Everything's
worse than ever now.
There will be police.
I hit him pretty hard.
Oh, I've got to get away
now. I'm all weak inside.
You said you would
help me. Will you?
Look, would you like
to get away from this?
Away from everything
and people,
where nobody
can reach you?
Oh, yes, yes. How?
Where you'll have
peace and quiet?
No cousins,
no aunts, no uncles,
no.. No princes, no... no reporters
until all of this blows over?
Oh, I've wanted
that all my life.
Will you trust me,
Sally Parker?
Can i?
Where's the back way?
Here. Come on.
Oh. We'll meet
them downstairs.
Maybe they won't
recognize us.
Here, here. Sit tight.
If anybody comes,
make a noise like a broom.
All right.
Plates under
the arms,
plates under
the small of the back,
and plates under
the stomach.
You back now?
Yes.
How is your bath tub?
Oh, fine, Baron,
fine. How's yours?
How come? What foul,
cheap, underhanded...
why, Mr. Pells,
what do you mean foul,
cheap, underhanded?
You didn't think I was going
to miss out on your story,
did you, Baron?
Say, this is an
ingenious outfit.
You see it is electrical
airline with plates.
Plates under the arms, plates
under the small of the back,
yes, yes, it's
excellent tailoring.
Bond street?
Say, by the way, is
your wife still pickled?
Was pickled?
I mean, is she still
in the salt rub?
Ja, ja. She's in
her apartment, sir.
Oh, yes. Yes,
that's fine.
Say, hold this
a minute, will you?
Hold?
I do hope Igor can get
Sally to change her mind.
Well you know how
persuasive Igor can be.
Man: Here they come now!
All: They they are.
Happy landing.
Good luck, Baron.
Airport, Baron?
Sure, sure, hurry, hurry!
We are late!
Airport.
All: Bye! Bye, Baron.
Pells: Hey, let me out
of here you, Mike Anthony!
Let me out of here!
You big double-crossing Hun,
come back here!
Come back here!
I'll get you, you son of a gun!
Hey, come back here, Anthony!
Come back here, you...
Baron:
Pells, let me out of here.
You get yourself out.
I'm no laundry man.
Get me out of here!
I beg your pardon.
Baron: Help! Help!
Mach schnell!
Hurry, hurry please.
We are late for
the take off.
Chauffeur: I'm giving her
all she can take, Baron.
What are you writing?
A cable to my mother.
It's her birthday
tomorrow.
Oh, that's sweet. She'll
be glad to hear from you.
Oh, she'll be
tickled pink.
When you leave us, send
this cable at once, collect.
Right-o, Baron.
Back, please, get back.
Flowers, for the baroness.
Right-o.
Oh, Baroness, Baroness!
Happy landing.
Michael: I wonder what
all those gadgets are for?
Let go!
Hey! Stop!
Follow that plane!
Yes, sir. Are you crazy?
Yes! I'll get you,
Mike Anthony!
Mein instruments,
main equipment are ruined.
A life's work
all over again.
Well, we run along.
As soon as i
locate the plane,
I'll get in touch with
you as a matter of routine.
Good day, Baron.
Thank you.
Good day, Baron.
Then you, men.
Thank you.
Well, that went over
pretty well, I think.
At least it's something
you didn't bungle.
Steven, I swear,
it all happened so...
shut up. That plane
must be found.
I know, I know.
Telephone, Colleen Humbert.
Get fouche in Paris.
One of them must locate
the plane, you hear?
I'll go down to
the field and stand by.
You call me the first news
and I take off at once.
If anyone gets to that
plane you're through!
Do you understand?
It must be found.
Right.
I hope you didn't
kill him.
Who? Kill what?
Igor.
Oh, that's all right. All
snakes live till sundown.
Stop worrying.
Look around for some
peace and quiet to land in.
How fast are we going?
Well, we're either up 2,100
feet and going 175 miles an hour,
or we're up 175 feet and
going 2,100 miles an hour.
Whimsical little
airplane, isn't it.
You know, there is something
queer about this ship.
Well I don't mean
to be critical,
but it was probably all right
before that take off.
No, no. I mean there
are no oxygen tanks
for these comic helmets
to connect with.
You know, Im beginning to think
the baron and baroness
are phonies.
I wonder where we are?
Get out those maps
there, will you?
Oh...
what color is
it down there?
It's sort of
a pinkish brown.
Pinkish brown?
We're over Persia.
Let me see if i
can find France.
If I remember right,
it's a kind of a green.
I wonder who admired
the baroness so much?
Amorous-looking
little gentlemen.
Ah, a note!
He must woo her with geography
or something because...
say, what on
earth is this?
Let's see.
What?
Number x-2593, foreign
office confiden-
wait a minute.
If this nightmare
gets any worse...
what's wrong?
Plenty. Say, this is
an admiralty chart.
Coast defense stations,
range of firing,
the whole works.
Phonies? The baron
and baroness are spies.
You mean this flight
and everything is...
is just a hop to smuggle
this out of England.
Say, we're small
prize, Sally.
Do you realize what
a story this will make?
What do you mean, story?
Uh... I mean, well, I mean what a story
it will make to tell our grandchildren.
We're tied up
in intrigue.
But I don't want to
be tied up in anything.
We're international.
I don't want to
be international.
I just want things to
stop happening to me.
Well, don't worry. I'll handle
this when the time comes.
And nothing more is
going to happen to you.
Except that...
except that...
except what?
Except that we're out of
gas, and we're almost down!
So you better
hold tight.
Here we go!
Don't hold
on to that!
We have landed!
Are you hurt?
No, chock full of
peace and quiet.
Where are we?
Madame, this is France.
Stop annoying
the livestock.
Don't be vulgar,
Mr. Anthony.
It happens to be this woolen
undershirt, that's all.
Trains run to Paris,
you know.
Trains, remember?
Choo, choo, choo!
I don't know why I keep
explaining things to you,
but railroad stations have
a habit of being watched.
Besides, you wanted
the simple life.
Peace and quiet.
Well here it is.
You're a fine one.
You profess
admiration for me,
you tell me you
want to help.
I put myself in your
hands and now look what.
Well, what? You wanted
my help and you got it.
Say, you don't think I enjoy
playing cops and robbers
all over Europe with a...
just exactly who do you
think you're talking to?
I'm talking to
a fairly attractive dame
who's got too much
dough for her own good.
Just between you and me,
Im beginning to think
that prince is
a pretty lucky boy.
You've said just about
enough, Mr. Anthony.
Too much!
I don't need your help
and advice or anyone else's.
As far as Im concerned,
you can take a running
front dive off this wagon.
And it's all
right with me
if I never see
you again.
Oh yeah?
Oh, where are
you going?
I can take a hint.
I'll be seeing you.
Paris in spring.
But... but you can't leave me
here with all these cabbages.
Well this constant
nagging will have to stop.
All right.
It has stopped.
And no more beefing.
Not a beef.
Ok.
In Mike you trust.
In Mike I trust.
You know, it's odd your
following me all that time.
You're reasonably
presentable and clean.
It's a wonder you didn't
get yourself introduced.
You don't know
the right people.
Then it must
be destiny.
Destiny?
Mm-hmm.
It's a story.
A great story.
Man: Boy, he's sure
steamed up about something.
Second man: I'll say he is. And
everybody's gonna hear about it.
Rose, it'll stand another
column on the woman's angle.
Put yourself in
Sally's place.
Jake, tell Wesson to
wire Anthony $2,000.
Union agency, Paris.
Right.
What a man, Anthony.
He's making
newspaper history.
If the circulation department
don't erect him a statue,
I'll dip myself
in bronze.
Hurry up with that
new lead, Wally.
Right.
Sit here and don't
say a word.
You're from the country
and dumb, see?
How's this?
I hope you're kidding.
Say, where are you going?
It's all right.
Well, for the love of Pete.
I'm sorry, but you'll first
have to see the man at the...
Mike! I wondered
when you'd turn up.
Hi, Jim. What the devil are you doing...
any money from home?
Sure, but what...?
All right, lead me to it, and
give me your fastest stenographer.
I've got to send
a cable home.
Got a match, pal?
No.
No.
Pretty big boy. In town
to see the girls, huh?
No.
Tell Mike Barney says
judgment day is here.
Oh...
hey, Mike, a man just
came in and told me...
we can get out of
here in a minute.
I got to get this
cable off to mother.
I know, but...
how much?
48 francs.
Hey, look at
the window.
What?
Look at the window.
Is that the man?
No, but Barney says
judgment day is here.
Huh? What?
Back way, where?
Quick!
Through there.
Good-bye.
Very clever,
Mr. Anthony.
Very astute.
It took the mind of a
child to follow your tracks.
Well, well,
Barney, old pal.
You're a gift
from the gods.
Mind over matter,
my friend.
Yours the muscle,
mine the brain.
Listen,
Miss Parker...
hey, you run along, Sally.
We'll catch up with you.
Listen,
he's the man...
you bet I am!
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
He's our pal.
He's gonna help us.
Go on, Sally.
Now, listen, Barney,
don't be insane.
This story's big
enough for both of us.
What was I doing in that
dark closet, hunting mice?
Oh, don't be catty.
Now listen, Barney,
she doesn't know
who I am.
She hates newspapers
and boys like us.
If you crack now,
we're both sunk.
Come on.
I'm sticking like
summer underwear.
Sally: Hey, Michael!
Michael! Here they come!
Michael: Come on! Hop in!
All right, captain
flag, baby's with you.
We can wait until the police
locate that stolen delivery truck.
And that's the way a couple of
Princeton men stick together,
hey Barney, old pal?
Old pal?
Sure, you don't have
to worry about this egg.
Why, we were inseparable at Princeton.
They used to call
him my shadow.
Huh. He still is.
Sure, one for all
and all for one.
And every man for
himself now and then.
You'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
this is too good
a chance to be loose.
All for one
and one for all, huh?
You ever hear of the odious
career of Benedict Arnold?
Yes, yes. But later
document proved Benny
to have been a very much
misunderstood man.
History says
different.
No, Im on the level
now. Honest, Barney.
I believe you,
Anthony, you hope.
Cops!
Hold tight, Sally.
Hey!
she'll be comin' round
the mountain when she comes
she'll be comin' round
the mountain
she'll be comin' round
the mountain when she comes
she'll be comin'...
now what?
We're out of gas.
Don't tell me they still
use that one at Princeton.
Is this on
the level?
I never heard two such
suspicious people in my life!
We gotta get
out and walk.
Where?
To the end of
the rainbow. Who cares?
Come on, the open
road, Barnabas.
The broad highway, madam.
Come Aramis, come Pothos!
With a cow field for a couch
and clouds for a coverlet.
Wresting the world with a song on
our lips and blade in our hands.
One for all
and all for one.
Sally, do you mind if i
speak with Romeo a minute?
Why?
Men, talk, you know.
Go pick yourself
a daisy.
Oh...
what's on your stagnant mind? Shhh...
I discovered this
while she was dressing.
What?
Look.
What?
Look.
Where?
Hey, you!
You dirty, double
- crossing snake, you!
One for all, huh?!
Good by, dear. I'll
write you in a day or two.
Pells: Hey, if you
let me out of here...
good-bye, dear.
Pells:
Hey, Sally!
Hey, Miss Parker, let
me tell you something!
Sally! Hey! Parker,
this guy's a reporter!
Oh, now wait
a minute, Pells.
That's too much.
Enough is enough.
You can't hear him now.
I thought he
was your friend.
Well, he used to be,
but today he'd sell his
sister for a Turkish dime.
Turned out to be
a newspaper man, Sally.
A reporter?
Yeah, foreign
correspondent.
New York gazette,
or something like that,
and he's on your trail.
I thought I'd string
him along back there
until we got out
of that jam.
You know, I feel
sorry for him.
Well, don't. You can't
trust a thing he says.
Well the next time he meets you,
he'll tell you stories about me.
He'll even have me a
reporter before he's through.
No, I mean I feel sorry for anyone
who has to earn his living that way.
No self respecting
man could accept money
for prying into
people's private lives.
No, no, and they don't
earn very much at that.
Is that Anthony
a newspaper man?
I got it! I got a topper
for the whole thing!
Who will be Sally's
ideal man?
Royal prince or
a lonely reporter?
Will old world
sophistication
win out over new
world virility?
We run a contest!
Prizes for
best letters!
Get it, Wally!
Snap out with
a lead right away.
We'll float an
extra on this.
Dave, get Wally's story
on the Paris cable.
I want this to break
all over Europe!
Oh, excuse me.
Lift me up.
I'm too tired,
but I'll lie
down beside you.
Old wine,
old friends, old jokes.
It's too fantastic!
Believe it or not,
but I think I see
a beautiful gasoline station
with a lot of rooms in it.
I'll bet there are
beds in those rooms.
Don't tell me
you see what I see?
We can't both be crazy!
That's what you think.
Hmm. Looks like we're
gonna spend the night
with some pretty
important ghosts.
All the Louis, Madame de
Maintenon, Richelieu..
I'd rather enjoy
meeting Richelieu.
I want to see if he really
looks like George Arliss.
Ah. A bottle of milk for
Marie Antoinettes bath.
If that was left for
her, it's sour by now.
No luck, Michael.
What caretaker would
open windows?
No sleep for
Sally tonight.
Lose not heart,
fair lady.
This may mean the
guillotine, but here goes.
What was that? Shhh.
Bismarck, quiet.
Down. Stop growling.
Come along.
We better go see.
Nice Bismarck.
Sit up. Beg. Beg.
We better take a gun.
It's empty.
Come, Bismarck, come.
Come. Come on.
Good boy.
Give me a hand. It's
awfully creepy in here.
Mike!
What's the matter?
Right there!
What?
That man!
That's not a man,
that's a statue.
You're just
saying that.
Yes, I am just
saying that.
You know, we're really
in terrible danger.
You're right.
That is just
a statue, Mike.
Madame de Maintenons
apartment.
Hey, we can't
resist this, Sally.
De Maintenon.
Louis Xiv's
favorite lady.
He did right for the
gal. He married her.
A peasant girl
born in a prison,
and she lived to be
surrounded by all this.
A queen.
I hear she was surrounded by
the king the most of the time.
Oh... her bedroom.
Think of it.
She ruled the destiny
of France,
of a whole nation,
from this very room.
You're wrong there.
Louis ruled France,
and she ruled Louis.
I'll bet she
really loved him.
The atmosphere of
the room does kind of...
well, kind of get
into you, doesn't it?
They say that
walls have ears.
If they could
only speak.
They are speaking.
I can tell you exactly
what Louis is saying.
He's a man of few words but
with a very definite objective.
Steady, Mr. Anthony?
No, no, no.
Listen to him.
He's st... st...
stuttering a little.
Her beauty makes him
n... n... nervous.
I know.
And listen to her.
She's bidding him good night
because she's very sleepy.
Hear her yawn?
Was that a yawn? Oh, I thought
it was just a nice deep sigh.
I don't know know where
you're going to rest
your tousled little
head, Mr. Anthony,
but Im going to
sleep right here.
Well, shall I make
up the upper, Madame?
I wonder what Louis would
do in a case like this?
Come on.
Good night,
Mr. Anthony.
This place must
be alive with beds.
Louis?
What do you advise?
Oh, you won't be very
far away, will you?
You'll be all right.
If anybody disturbs you
it'll be Louis himself.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Sally.
Who is it?
Louis.
L... Louis who?
Pick a number
from one to 10.
Louis xiv.
Madame was
trucking?
His majesty is several
centuries ahead of himself.
I was minueting.
May I have the next one?
After all,
I am your queen.
Your majesty, Madame.
Down, Bismarck, down.
These people live here.
They're friends of mine.
Who are you?
Guess.
Little Bo peep.
No, but you're warm.
We give up. Who?
The caretaker of your palace,
your majesty.
I have been
for 46 years.
Bismarck and I have
spent every night here
and enjoy every minute of it.
And all the fun we have had with
you and all the others ghosts.
All the other ghosts?
Then you think we
are ghosts, too?
Oh, oul, oul, oul.
I know you are.
The ghost of king Louis xiv
and Madame de Maintenon.
Your majesty, Madame,
may I present Bismarck?
Who is Bismarck?
And where is he?
He's my dog.
He's right here at my feet.
Bismarck, roll over,
like a good dog.
Isn't he clever?
I've never seen
anything like it.
Mike, let's
get out of here.
If you will pardon my
saying so, your majesty,
you have gone very rusty
in your minuet.
Your form, after all
these years, is a way off.
Let me illustrate.
May I have
your hand, Madame?
Couldn't we just
sit this one out?
No, no, no.
Go right ahead.
His majesty
commands.
Come on, swing it,
daddy. Swing it!
The king can do no wrong.
Don't be afraid, Madame.
It is not loaded.
No, no, no.
Not at your head!
This gun is crazy!
The gun's crazy?
You're all right.
Oul. There, you see?
Don't worry, Madame.
I'll tell them you
shot in self defense.
Mike, if you don't get
that man out of here,
you're going to have an awful
hysterical woman on your hands.
I'll try.
It's getting kind
of late, isn't it?
Oh, what time is it,
your majesty?
5 minutes of 12:00.
Oh. We must hurry.
You see, at 12:00
I turn into a pumpkin.
Happy Halloween.
Merci, Madame.
Your majesty, have Bismarck and I
your permission
to withdraw?
Well, yes, yes,
if you insist.
Come, Bismarck.
Anthony: Oh, by the way,
if Bismarck there
ever has puppies,
I wish you'd send me one.
Shall be honor.
Good night, your majesties.
May you find great joy
in your return
to Fontainebleau.
Come, Bismarck.
Mike,
I need some air.
I hope there's
enough for both of us.
12:00, he's a pumpkin by now.
Funny little man.
A happy little man
in a world all his own.
And Im here, too.
London, marriage settlements,
unpleasant people...
they all seem very
far away right now.
Far away?
Yeah, that reminds me.
Good night.
Mike!
Where are you going?
Why, I've got to
find some place
to rest this tousled
head of mine, remember?
Oh, but you can't
leave me like this,
you can't go-
hello.
Oh, I always
knew someday
about somebody
like you.
You know, I've known
people I've liked
and some I've disliked.
I've hated a few
and thought I loved
a couple,
but, I've never known
anyone I could trust
up till now.
Look Sally,
a fella has to make
a living, understand?
Such a nice living.
Two can live
happier than one.
Well, it isn't
that exactly, but,
well, I've had
a job all my life.
I knew you
did something. What?
Well, Im a-
Im a writer.
How wonderful, darling.
What do you write about?
Oh, I write about people,
you know, things.
What sort of things?
Have I read them?
I want to learn
everything
you've ever written
by heart.
Well, Sally,
I might as well admit it.
What?
That Im about
to crucify myself.
But you suddenly
turned out to be
the only girl
this side of the moon.
Oh, let's skip
anything else.
Everything else.
Louis?
The 13th, 14th, or 15th?
Barney the first.
How did you get here?
I came in through
the plumbing.
Well, then you can
get out the same way.
I know all about you.
You do, huh?
Yes.
Well, listen, where is
that double-headed cobra?
Where's that python?
If you're speaking
of snakes, Mr. Barney
whatever-your-name-is,
let me tell you this-
try to seal me
in a boxcar, will he?
Lifts my clothes,
will he?
Well, let me tell
you about that.
Oh, you don't look
any sillier than usual.
And get off my bed!
You don't know about
that chimpanzee, do you?
You don't know he's
a newspaper man, do you?
Well, how'd you
like to look at
the Paris edition of
the New York chronicle
and see
that dirty snake.
Running true to form,
aren't you?
Well, you'd better run
away and hide, little man.
It's open season
on rodents around here.
Now listen, Parker,
I can get tough, too,
and I haven't had
my breakfast yet.
But I'm gonna
put you wise.
The panels are
of solid gold leaf.
Fashioned in
the post-renaissance era by-
who's that?
The Madame herself?
What occurs here?
What you do here?
They should
listen to me-
Sally, come on,
come on,
we gotta get
out of here!
But Mike, this horrendous
hoodlum won't leave me!
Ah, let her wallow
in some more smooch, eh?
Hello, Barney old pal, how are you?
It is forbidden
to sleep here!
Now, don't worry,
Barney,
we'll get you
out of here!
Where are my pants?
Who are all
these people?
Oh, you're a bunch
of pigeons!
Where are my clothes,
Mr. Underwear snatcher?
Hey, look! The law!
Come on! Come on!
It's the fastest
way to the street!
Follow, monsieur!
My clothes!
Hey! Come back here!
Hey!
Ahhh!
A ghost in daylight!
Hey!
It's all right,
you can come out now.
If I didn't love you
quite so much, darling,
I'd make believe
you weren't with me.
You look like a very sweet,
half-witted hillbilly.
I'm a hungry hillbilly.
There's a restaurant.
Right after breakfast,
Im going to buy the palace
of Fontainebleau just for us.
Ghosts and all.
Oh!
Bismarck!
Come on, come on.
Come on, get in here
and behave yourself.
Shhh. Don't look now,
you know who
just passed by?
Who?
King Louis the 14th
and Madame de Maintenon.
I asked you not to
take that last drink.
We'll have two
of everything.
Yes, and one copy
of the Paris edition
of the New York chronicle.
What's the matter,
darling?
Well, do I look as if there
were anything the matter?
It's all over you.
All over me is right.
Well, we who are
about to die,
salute you.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
I tried to tell
you last night.
You unbelievable,
you incredibly
unthinkable,
you sheer,
unadulterated worm!
Go ahead, I deserve it,
all the adjectives.
Sally confides
dreams to Anthony.
Why you're something
that flies out of a jar
when they
take the lid off.
Sally, I don't know
anything about that contest,
and I'll
make them kill it.
So this is your dear,
sweet mother, is it?
How do you do,
Mrs. Anthony?
Isn't that cute?
Little Michael tearing
wings off grasshoppers.
The only girl
this side of the moon,
and I believed you.
I tried to tell you last night,
but I couldn't.
You don't know what
last night meant to me.
How can I tell what
last night meant to you
until I see the next
issue of the chronicle?
Not more than 500 words,
and be sure and write on
only one side of the paper.
Mr. Anthony I'll
write on the back.
He writes on
the backs of barns.
Well, what are you
waiting for?
There must be a cable
office around here somewhere?
Aren't you afraid you'll
miss the next edition?
Taxi fare to Paris.
And, well i,
Im sorry.
No, he'll come back.
You mind if I sit down,
Ms. Parker?
Why not?
It doesn't make
any difference,
all kinds of people
have sat here.
Mike just stepped
out a second, I guess,
to find a cable, huh?
He can step out of
a balloon,
as far as Im concerned.
So, you finally read
your report card, huh?
Pretty brutal stuff,
if you ask me.
Hey, wait a minute,
you're a reporter,
aren't you, Barney?
Me? Now listen,
Ms. Parker,
if that Anthony guy's been handing
you a lot of silly stuff about me-
look.
It goes pretty hard
with one reporter
if he loses his story to
another reporter, doesn't he?
Well, yeah, I guess so-
all right, then if
you're not a reporter,
go find me one,
because he's gonna have me
for his own personal scoop.
Ms. Parker,
Im no mere reporter,
Im the best
correspondent in Europe!
You write good stories?
The best.
All the news
that's fit to print.
I don't want that kind.
You can print
anything about me.
What I eat for breakfast,
how I take a bath,
anything that'll make
Mr. Michael Anthony squirm.
Things about him,
things about me,
do you understand?
Parker, baby,
you call the shots,
and I'll pull the trigger.
Come on, reporter,
I've got work to do,
woman's work.
Waiter: Oh, Madame,
the bacon, the coffee, the-
I don't want it,
will you pay for it,
please?
Sure.
Thank you.
Voila.
Merci, monsieur.
More backgammon?
No, thank you.
Casino? Checkers?
No casino, no checkers,
thank you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Machiavelli.
Machiavelli who?
Machiavelli
good suit for $10.
Heh, heh, heh.
You get it?
Yes, I get it, Barney.
You got a very pretty profile, you know.
It fits into your neck like
it was made by a mechanic.
A lovely thought,
Barney.
You wouldn't like
to neck, would you?
No thanks,
do you mind?
Oh, that's all right,
I just thought...
when do you send
your first cable?
I sent it.
And Anthony,
when does he get fired?
In a day or two,
right out on his ear.
Oh, I suppose he'll get a
job with another newspaper.
Him?
He'll be blacklisted.
Through.
Wonderful.
Can he do anything else?
Nothing that won't
land him in jail.
I suppose he'll
get on relief.
He might for a few days,
but that's all.
They're fussy about
who gets relief.
I hope he gets kicked off
the bread line, too.
It's kind of strange to think
of him being down and out.
Always so sure
of himself, Anthony was.
Mmmm.
That's the way it
starts around new York.
I've seen hundreds
of them.
First they borrow
a 10-spot, then a buck,
then 25 cents for
donuts and coffee.
And then it's a shirt.
And they tell you they got
a swell job doing publicity
and you stumble over them
one night in the park,
wrapped up in
an old Sunday edition
to keep the cold out.
Oh, stop it, Barney.
Poor Michael.
Woman, thy name
is screwball.
Yeah, who is it?
Come on in.
Lunch is ready.
Barney: Hey!
What's the idea?
Your hands down,
please.
I want that map,
Ms. Parker.
What are you
talking about?
What map?
It was not in the plane,
I want it quickly,
Ms. Parker.
What's he talking about?
I haven't got it.
Hilda, search her.
You put that
gun down and try it.
I must insist upon
an unfair advantage.
Step outside.
Well?
You'd better go,
Barney.
Everything off now,
Ms. Parker, quick.
Smile, please,
we are friends,
you and I.
I said smile.
Step along.
Wait, Mr. Pells.
Do you play bridge?
Yeah, well, uh,
just fair,
who'd we get
for a fourth?
Hey, hey,
what's the idea!
Then you'll understand
what I mean by sloughed.
You are about
to be sloughed.
Jump!
You think Im crazy?
Jump at once!
Hey, now wait,
now listen,
maybe the next
stop we'll-
Ahhhh!
Yes?
She claims
Anthony has it.
Where is he?
She claims
she doesn't know.
Give her back
her things.
We'll follow her.
She'll lead us
to him.
"I hereby resign.
Will probably
become a gypsy."
He's become a gypsy.
We deserve better treatment
than that, Mr. Berger.
Deserve?
We deserve
the Pulitzer prize!
50,000 letters in
this contest already.
This is more than human
flesh could endure.
Why don't you get
some sleep, chief?
Sleep?
Anthony fiddles
while Berger burns?
Woman: Mr. Berger!
Mr. Berger!
The dispatch has
got Sally Parker.
I give up.
A lot of
unwholesome racketeers
have crept into
this business.
It's no place
for an honest man.
Pack my things,
miss fowler.
Don't give me any
farewell dinner,
just let me
fade out quietly.
Wait a minute.
Take a cable to
Michael Anthony!
Get Sally Parker back!
She is with Barney Pells.
You still work for us!
Be a gypsy on your own time!
That's very appropriate,
zodders,
very appropriate.
Ah-ha! Judas!
That's a very fancy
disguise, Mr. Pells.
You're as transparent
as a seer.
Gosh,
Im glad I found you.
We gotta talk.
Yeah, no sir.
I'm weak as a can,
I lost about a gallon of blood,
the doctor says.
And a bottle of burgundy,
your best.
Bottle of burgundy?
Yes, sir.
Listen Mike,
Parker's in danger.
What?
What did you say?
Where?
We were on
the train to nice, see.
The baron busted in
with a pistol.
He wants a map
or something from Parker.
What's it all about,
and what are we gonna do?
She still with him?
As far as I know.
He sloughed me off
the train, and here I am.
Nice, eh?
We gotta get going.
As soon as I get a little
red blood in my veins.
Look, I gotta
make a phone call
to a friend of mine down
there whom I can trust.
He'll look after Sally
until we get there.
Oh, say, look,
I'm Broke.
Have you got any dough?
Well,
about 200 francs, why?
Give it to me.
Well, how are we
gonna settle up here?
Well, my credit's
good here,
and I've gotta have dough
to make that phone call.
Now listen, Mike,
by all that's holy,
if you pull
anything on me-
wait a minute, kid.
You said she was
in danger, didn't you?
I know, but-
ok, Mike.
B- but monsieur, i-i-
shut up.
I think you ought to know
the man at my table
is the biggest
deadbeat in Europe.
He goes all over the continent
catching dinners and drinks.
He's a mental case.
He hasn't a cent.
I ducked out,
but Im tipping you off.
But thank you,
monsieur Anthony.
Yeah, I'd throw a scare
into him if I were you.
Keep him guessing
for a while.
But I will, monsieur.
Here, here,
this'll pay for mine.
Thank you, thank you,
monsieur Anthony.
I'll take care of it.
You are enjoying
the dinner, monsieur?
Yeah, it's fine.
The steak is
satisfactory?
Great,
I may even have
another one
with more onions.
More onions.
Perhaps some
mushrooms, too.
Mmmm... good idea.
And another
bottle of wine.
You know it makes blood.
More wine?
Makes blood.
And how are you going
to pay for all this?
Well, uh, Mr. Anthony
will be right back.
He just went to
make a phone call.
Mr. Anthony
told me what you are.
The deadest beat
in Europe.
A case which is mental.
Do you know how you are
going to pay for this?
gone, like the wind
you are gone
just a dream lingers on
for my loved one is gone
gone, like the roses of June
like a beautiful tune
that has ended too soon
it seems a moment ago we met,
if you forget
one fleeting moment of love
that brings only regret
because you're gone
Madames pate
is not right?
I don't wish it,
thank you.
Thank you very much.
for my loved one is gone
who is it?
Would you like
to buy a pencil
from an ex-newspaper man?
I just heard
you were in trouble,
and I thought that,
well,
I thought that maybe-
oh darling,
don't think.
Just hold me
nice and close.
Now before we go
into anything else,
I just want you
to know that I've quit
that glass bottom boat
they call the chronicle.
You've quit?
Oh no,
how could you?
But you said-
oh, never listen
to what I say,
I learned that
a long time ago.
Kiss me, please.
Did you hear
anything?
Not a thing.
Nice work.
Must be the plumber.
It might be
funnier than that.
It might be Barney.
The human
bloodhound?
Let me bid him
welcome.
Mr. And Mrs. Frankenstein.
They've been following
me every minute.
They probably knew
you were here.
They're really
after you.
No, no, no. They're
really after that map.
We've got to
get it back
to the London
foreign office.
It's too important
to be comfortable.
But how?
An Anthony always goes
out the way he comes in.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
I have time to fix up,
haven't i?
We look disgraceful.
All right,
I'll get the tickets
and meet you over there.
All right.
Michael, I hope we live
to be very, very old.
Perfect.
You know what to do?
Of course.
Parker!
Ms. Sally Parker!
And what makes
you think
this lady
is Ms. Parker?
Because she is,
I tell you!
She had the room
reserved under Perkins.
The name is
Perkins.
No, my friend!
The name is Parker!
Can we stop all this
and do a little
police work?
She's either in a jam
or she's with a burglar
named Anthony.
Burglar, you say?
What was stolen?
Listen, stop playing
Guggenheim, will you?
And get out
the bloodhounds!
Ah, Guggenheim.
Mr. Pells, these are
necessary police details.
We must not leave
a stone unturned.
How many people did you
ever find under stones?
I want Sally Parker!
Somebody ought to be camping
in that railroad station,
and that's where
I am right now!
Just got time
to make it.
One on that
channel train.
My mother just broke
her hip in two places.
Where?
In two places-
no, Calais,
as far as she goes.
Hurry, will you?
Hey!
Your change!
Well, here we are,
all nice and safe-
my compliments,
Baroness.
Just how long have i
been under the impression
that you were
Ms. Parker?
Only since rejoining
you at the station.
I'll take that map now.
Where's Ms. Parker?
In a very smart outfit
I had to exchange
for this.
That map, please.
Don't be silly,
Baroness.
Come in, Wilhelm.
Let's do be silly,
Mr. Anthony,
I want that map.
I'm very sorry.
I haven't got it.
If you remember in
the hotel in London
you were rude enough
to surprise me
during my salt rub.
If I don't get
that map,
I shall be forced
to see you
under similar
circumstances...
without the salt.
Shall we send wily
here out for some?
Take off your coat.
All right, all right,
just a minute.
It unbuttons.
It's not there.
Your trousers,
please.
Uh, no,
I give you my word
it's not in my trousers.
Now let's talk this
thing over, man to man.
Take them off.
Didn't you hear me
yelling and pounding?
I've been locked
in here for hours.
I was out of duty,
Madame.
But why did you put your
clothes in the hamper?
It's just
a sorority initiation.
Walk along this arcade,
Ms. Parker.
Your wife left with
Mr. Anthony, of course.
Yes, she's to have
achieved her purpose by now.
She won't harm him,
will she?
It would be necessary
should he become difficult.
What are you
going to do with me?
Soon as I receive word
from my wife here,
I shall consider that.
Would you care
for some tea?
Please don't be
surprised
if I suddenly
go into an accent.
Baron, after what
I've been through,
I wouldn't be surprised
if you suddenly vanished
in a puff of smoke.
Madame.
Monsieur.
I'm not very hungry,
let's see.
Some smoked salmon
with Swedish bread.
And glass of
Turkish coffee.
And you, my dear?
Huh? Oh,
some tea, black.
Now that everything's
nice and cozy,
may I have a cigarette?
Or do they have little
capsules of poison in them?
Nothing as glamorous
as that.
Straight Virginia.
Most Americans refuse.
I'm a rather
unorthodox American,
as you perhaps noticed.
And while we're
on the subject,
may I go on record
as saying
I dislike your
wife very much?
And Im glad she's out
of the way for a while.
You are very frank.
And very lovely.
And very bored...
with everything
and everybody...
up till now, Baron.
What do you suggest?
Anything...
anything
that's different
and exciting
and glamorous.
Your life must be
like that, Baron.
Oh, you are very lovely.
I like to hear you
say that.
And oh,
you are so silly.
What you're attempting,
my dear,
has been tried by women
from Constantinople
to new York.
I don't wish to
appear unappreciative,
but once or twice the temptation
was even greater than it is now.
That's not fair.
I can see you're
just not interested.
Baron: Now, my dear,
we take a little trip to a-
this is the lady here.
This is
Ms. Sally Parker?
Yes,
watch this man.
Ms. Parker, allow me to introduce-
yes, I know,
we'll go into
that later.
But this man-
I am Baron
Spandermann.
Ah, yes,
I recognize you, Baron.
I'm an air
enthusiast myself-
Baron nothing,
he's a spy I tell you.
My dear
Ms. Parker-
a spy!
Arrest him!
That accent is
just a disguise.
Well, do something,
will you?
My dear, lieutenant,
Ms. Parker is
a little embarrassed.
I was trying to find her
reasons for stealing my plane.
Will you please
understand what Im saying?
Quiet, Ms. Parker.
This can all be
settled in my office.
I must take you
in custody as it is.
Baron, you'll come along
and prefer charges.
Not pleasant,
but I feel I should.
Oh, you poor dimwits,
won't you believe me?
I'm sorry, Ms. Parker,
in my office.
Please, in my office.
Take my car, lieutenant,
it is more comfortable.
Ah, very kind.
If you're a policeman
worthy of the name,
you'll listen to me and-
in my office,
Ms. Parker.
Of course
you realize
your trustees have offered 5,000 reward
for your apprehension and return?
For the last time,
let me warn you,
this man is-
no, no, no,
Baron.
The police station
is to your right.
We're not going to
the police station.
I'm so sorry.
Slipped my mind.
I should have told you
about the baron.
Chalet, please.
Welcome back,
Madame.
Follow that cab,
please.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
We have a guest,
Rudolph.
I hope you enjoy
our hospitality.
Go inside, please.
A very fanciful
disguise, Mr. Anthony.
You weren't hiding from
me by any chance, were you?
Oh, all tied up
good and tight, huh?
How about down here, eh?
Yeah, don't try to
reason with me, Anthony.
I'm a deadbeat.
A mental case.
Ow!
I don't react
normally at all.
Don't look away.
So, little Parker's finally
getting her revenge on you, is she?
You would trifle with
an unprotected maiden's
heart, would you?
Even a hummingbird will turn
and become a vicious monster
if given sufficient
provocation, Mr. Anthony.
Don't wave your elbows
like the black widow
spider you are, my friend,
because
little Parker and I
are just about to fly
away to a cable office,
Mr. New York
chronicles expert.
And then the dispatch
readers will learn
how Barney Pells turns
the tables on a rat
that leaves people
rotting in restaurants.
All right,
start lying to me.
For the love of Mike,
will you shut up?
That's not Sally
in there.
That's the baroness
in Sally's clothes.
You know who I am?
I'm the baron.
All right,
just sit there
and crack wise with
your head in the noose.
If you won't help me,
you'd better get out of here.
I'm the baron.
I just ate the baroness.
You're really
a very low fella.
You gotta believe me
this once, Barney.
This is one time-
this in no time.
Baroness, in other room:
Rudolph, Rudolph.
Rudolph: Yes, Hilda?
Baroness: And sounds
from our nosy guest?
None. I may have
strangled him.
I was in quite a hurry.
Baroness:
How careless of you, Rudolph.
Yeah, well don't sit there
gaping like a pelican,
get me out of this.
Why, dive it all
in the water.
How did things
turn out this way?
Don't talk, untie.
Well, honest, Mike,
I had no idea.
Neither did i.
Do you think I came
along for the ride?
What are we gonna do?
We gotta corral this outfit,
that's what.
They've got a map that the
foreign office wants back.
It's gotta have it back.
If it doesn't get it,
it means a lot of trouble
for a lot of people
what a story!
Yeah, and if we leave,
we're gonna write it, too.
Hey, wait a minute,
I got it.
Here, you sit here.
Wait a minute,
what's the idea?
You're going
to be me.
Oh no you don't,
my friend!
You've maneuvered me into
things for the last time.
Wait a minute, Barney,
wait a minute.
This is different.
If we're going to save
our hides and Sally's
and everybody's,
we've got to do this.
I know the layout here.
Well, you can
show it to me.
If it's as much an
emergency as you say it is,
you're gonna need my brain
as well as your muscle.
And anyway, I can run
just as fast as you can.
Nobody's going to run.
We're gonna walk out
of here or not at all.
Well, what do I do
if they come in?
Just keep quiet and I'll be
covering you all the time.
Where will you be?
I'll be around,
and if they get rough,
I'll be in there
for both of us.
Now listen, Mike,
if we get out of this,
it's gonna be the biggest
story since august, 1914.
You gotta stick
by me this time.
I want you to know
you're persuading me,
but you haven't
convinced me.
Barney, don't lose your
perspective, old boy.
This is beyond any
petty little gags
we may have pulled
on each other.
This is serious, kid.
Why, you're risking
your life for me.
Oh, shucks,
that's nothing.
How do you think I could
double cross you now
with everything
that's at stake.
Why, this is the biggest
thing that ever happened.
Richard Harding Davis never
pulled a trick like this.
Greeley, Dana,
Luther, Burbank-
well, the greatest of them
never found this many pearls.
We'll split a byline
on this, kid.
We'll go down in
the archives of journalism
in lace pants and gold hats.
Why, I'll never forget
this as long as I live.
I wonder if I will.
You're all right,
Barney, old kid.
Oh, well, you must be
on the level this time.
Nobody could be
low enough and live to-
well, it just doesn't
happen, that's all.
No, you bet it doesn't,
Barney, old boy.
Here comes the baron.
He's got his mob
with him.
Hey, this is serious,
baby.
What's the matter?
Too tight?
No, I changed my mind!
I changed my mind!
Yeah, yeah, atta baby.
Fight!
Where's Michael?
What have you
done with him?
You'll join him
in a minute.
My butler will take your things.
You'll be here
quite some time.
Otto, the plane's
ready.
Go upstairs,
change,
and get your
things.
This affair's
taken us a week,
and we should've
been a day.
I agree with you.
This way,
please.
Oh, Michael, darling,
Im here, it's Sally!
Her first.
Paul, these
two together.
Did they hurt you,
darling?
Can't you talk?
Ouch!
Why, you poor
excuse for a man.
I'll spend every cent
I've ever had to find you.
I'll hire every
g- man in America
to trail you to
Vladivostok and back again.
You sneaking contemptible-
Owwwww!
Stop it!
I'm trying very hard to
control myself, Ms. Parker.
When you're discovered,
we'd rest much easier if
you're all discovered...
quite dead.
I know, Michael.
If you were free,
she wouldn't talk that way.
Even if she does kill us,
we'll be together,
won't we, darling?
We've got
them all, Hilda?
Yes, you and Paul leave
in the car immediately.
We'll meet at
the village 5
at the house
with number 12.
Night after tomorrow.
Good luck to you both.
Good luck, Hilda. Good-bye.
Whatever happens,
we're not afraid,
are we, darling?
I love you, Michael,
I-
look out, Michael,
it looks as though she's
going to fire any minute.
Oh, darling, please
be careful, please!
It might be
worth mentioning
if I hear any
cries or freaks
before we're
in the air,
I'll start shooting
through that door.
It's hard to say
who I might hit.
Good-bye, Paul!
Rudolph!
Paul and Rudolph:
Good-bye! Good luck!
Hilda,
I cannot find a towel,
Im all wet.
Hand me a towel,
Hilda, Im all- ahhhh!
In my office,
Baron!
Here it is.
And that gives
me an idea.
Is that comfortable,
Baroness?
Don't worry
about her.
Truss her her up
like a Christmas duck.
Boy, if we only had
some photographers,
what a story!
What a tale!
We'll get a year's salary
bonus on this, Mike, my boy.
Come on, hurry up,
get me out of this.
We gotta get to
a cable office.
Yeah, yeah,
Im filing about 4,000
words for a flash bulletin.
What do you want me to
cable to the dispatch?
Huh?
Gosh, uncle,
I didn't realize
that you were
laid up this way.
Now wait a min-
heh, heh, you're still
the same old Mike, huh?
This is no time
for kidding!
When do you plan
on getting out?
Is there anything
that I can get
to make you
comfortable?
Uh, fruit, or flowers,
or maybe you'd like
a private room.
I'll speak to the house
physician on the way out.
We'll split a byline
on this, huh?
Yeah? Lace hats
and gold pants, huh?
Sally, we better go,
uncle's has too many
visitors.
This is bigger than either
of us, Barney, old pal!
You risked your life for me,
Barney, old pal!
Here, here, now.
You can see the children
playing in the garden.
Dana? Greeley?
They'll come back
and haunt that dank,
rotting cave
you live in!
Good-bye, Barney,
old pal.
Sally!
Sally, stop him!
I'm sorry,
I haven't time, Barney,
I have to write
the woman's angle.
Then that goes for you,
too, Parker!
I hereby put the pell's
curse on the two of you!
To the seventh son
of the seventh son!
Maybe it's love,
and maybe Im just getting
soft in the arteries,
but suddenly,
after all these years,
I feel sorry for Barney.
Do you think that i-
I think you
want to go back,
and I think
you're very nice.
Dunim Wyler
cable office.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Dunim Wyler
cable office.
Oh, oh, this is
the cable office?
Well, this is
Barnabas w. Pells.
Now, send this collect.
Press rates.
Exclusive the
New York dispatch.
By Barnabas W. Pells.
Now get that name right.
B for black,
a for-
a, for ain't you
ashamed of yourself?
No, Mike! No!
Change that,
change that byline.
Make it
Barnabas W. Pells
and Michael Anthony.
I was gonna do it all
the time, Mike, old pal.
Yeah, sure you were,
Barney, old pal.
M, for maniac.
I, for I love you,
darling.
And c, for crackpot.
And h,
for how soon
are we gonna
get married?
H, for how soon are
we gonna get ma-
no, Im not drunk!
A, for anytime
you say.
Oh, shut up.
No, no, never mind.
I'll get it.
I think it's for me.
Maybe it's for me.
Yeah, well I'll
let you know.
Hello?
Good morning.
It's 11 o'clock.
Assassinated! Well give me the details!
Are all newspaper
men lunatics?
Near Saint Gregory's?
Hey, get into
youre Dutch.
Prince... Prince Dittleboomer,
whatever his name is...
that guy who's gonna
marry Sally Parker
has just been
assassinated.
Uh huh. In front
of the Cathedral.
Shot through the heart with an
old copy of the New York chronicle.
It's 11:00. you see,
Michael, my sweetheart,
I left the call.
Barney, you say things at
times in a way that hurts.
Now we've covered
assignments together
for our dear little
papers all over the world.
Share and share alike.
Yeah. Two for you
and one for me.
Now those are the things
that cut deeply.
Then I'll try to think
of some more of them.
Go on. Get to the tag.
We've both got to cover two
tame assignments, haven't we?
Yep. A Spandermann
stratosphere flight
and the wedding of Sally
Parker to that phony prince.
And for some
bright reason,
you want to cover
the Spandermann hop.
Well, you don't like the baron,
sweetheart, he's a publicity pest.
So why do you want
the assignment?
Well, I used
to fly a bit.
I'm interested
in aviation.
And you think maybe a real piece
of news might break there, huh?
I give you my word.
If anything breaks,
I'll pass it on to you
before I cable it in.
You could have been sitting in the
theatre the night Lincoln was shot
and you wouldn't
have covered me.
I'd have told
you, I swear.
Oh, yeah. You'd have told
me Lincoln shot booth.
Call it.
Heads.
Tails.
You get Parker.
Parker...
Hey, Mike. Take it off.
We want to see the rabbits.
You can't take a rib, huh?
Follow that cab!
Is everything over, sir?
Over? It's just started!
That's the Parker
girl, wasn't it?
The wedding
isn't over, is it?
She looked to me like she'd been crying.
I thought she
was laughing.
Eighth floor,
please.
Hold it a minute
for the baron.
Hello.
How do you do?
I thought you were covering
little Sals meeting festivities.
I am.
What are you
doing here?
Well I finished my
story, Mr. Pells.
Only the unimaginative type
of newspaper man like yourself
would sit through
the ordeal.
I'm off for
a little recreation.
Oh, you're dealing with a
superior mentality, poppo.
Where did you steal
those flowers?
A slight case of
romance, Mr. Pells,
something that'll never
come into your life.
Now listen, Mike,
whenever you get polite this way
you're sitting on something hot.
Now be a pal, will you?
You doubt me, Mr. Pells?
No, I don't doubt you.
I just think
you're lying.
Mein apartment!
Baron! I'd like to have
you meet Mike Anthony.
Just another reporter
on your trail like me.
Ah, a reporter!
Yeah! Wants
a special interview
with the New York
chronicle. Their best man.
They took him off the
Parker wedding to cover you.
Delighted...
flowers for the baroness and everything.
That's the chronicle,
for you.
Baron, this
isn't exactly...
America is waiting for my flight
through the stratosphere, ja?
Look, Baron,
Mr. Pells here...
yes, the latest
photograph
of the baroness
and myself.
The official takeoff is this afternoon.
I have more here.
Yes, that's very nice,
Baron, but...
Pells: Well, you wouldn't
want to go, would you?
Where are your manners?
You'll excuse
my wife, please.
She's having her
usual salt rub.
Excellent before
I'm flying.
Pells: What a story-
conditioning.
Mind and body
must be fit.
Noble pair battles elements.
Saxons conquer the ether.
Ah, exactly. You see,
the fleeing abarelle,
an invention of
my own,
you have photographers
downstairs, of course.
Yes, yes.
We should leave the hotel
dressed for the flight.
The management has kindly
cooperated in the publicity.
Well, look, Baron, if you'll
cooperate for just one minute...
you see the oxygen helmets
are not like any others.
They present
a radical departure...
yes, well Im about to present
a radical departure myself.
Hey, was ist?
Look, hey look, Baron,
Mr. Pells there,
he's just being funny.
I'm not a reporter, and i
just happened to remember
that I left the water
running in the bathtub.
Thanks a lot, Baron.
I'll see you later.
No, no, no. Where are
you going, Mr. Pells?
Well, as a matter of fact,
Baron, I just remembered that...
whoa, Mr. Pells,
don't go, don't go.
I have yet to explain my
whole purpose in this plan.
Where we go, and how
we go, and why we go.
What's a matter,
Sally Parker?
Take them away!
Do you hear me?
Take them right
back to Igor
and throw them in his
contemptible little face,
and you can tell him
and his queasy old uncle
if they want anybody to
sign a marriage settlement,
they can get another girl.
But, Miss Parker...
he wanted me for
myself, did he?
Only I had to buy
him in the bargain.
Well I'd buy his
whole Russian swamp
if I was sure he
didn't go with it.
That's what I'd do.
You can tell him that!
And you can tell his
uncles and his aunts
and his sisters
and his cousins and...
who are you?
Who, me? Oh, i... i
just want to help you.
How much will
that cost me?
Or do you happen
to be a reporter?
A reporter?
Well whatever
gave you that idea?
Then you must be from
that blind I nearly married.
You go back and tell
him that I'll...
I must admit
it Sally Parker,
i... well Im just
somebody that's known you
and thought of
you ever since,
well ever since I saw
your picture
in the rotogravure
section as a debutante.
That was
a long time ago.
Well, it wasn't
that long ago.
Well I mean that it seems that
way to me, not really meeting you.
Well, today I went
to saint Gregorys
to look at you for the
last time, that's all.
Sort of a silent
good-bye.
Do you expect me
to believe that?
No, I mean... uh, well i
know it sounds a little...
well a little Elsie
Dinsmore, but it's true.
Oh, oh, it's nice
to know that...
it's nice to know that someone
else besides my board of directors
and 9 million reporters really
cares about what happens to me.
But all my governesses and guardians never
stopped me from fighting my own battles,
and I'll take care
of this one, too.
If that's that dear, charming
attendee of royal bread pudding,
I'll tell him
a thing or two.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
That might be
reporters.
Reporters? Buzzards.
All right, let them come up.
I'll give them some real
headlines for once:
How Sally Parker
found romance.
So much down,
so much for every kiss.
Oh, oh Im sorry.
I thought you'd be pretty tired
of all this cheap notoriety.
I'm sick to my
stomach of reporters.
I've been blinded by their
flashlights ever since I can remember.
They put my impacted wisdom
tooth on the front page.
This ought a make
newspaper history!
Oh, you poor kid, you're
all tied up in... knots.
You ought a get away by yourself
for awhile and think things over.
That's what Igor said.
Dear, sweet, romantic Igor.
He was to be my... my escape,
and he turned out to be...
oh, I feel so cheap
and ashamed of myself.
So it's Igor, is it?
You'd like to hear
some more, would you?
Miss Parker, wait.
He may not be alone.
Sally, my baby love.
My baby love...
don't you baby love me,
and don't you touch me.
She means it,
your Excellency.
But my darling, what
did I say? What did I do?
You scurrilous
little scavenger.
But my sweet one, my...
Im not at advantage.
Have I met
this gentleman?
Don't be silly. Where would
you ever meet a gentleman?
My little treasure,
I mean my baby love,
you're the sweetest thing.
We do know each other.
No, no, no. Never had
the pleasure, Im sure.
I'm positive
your face is...
I warn you if
you continue
to foul the air
I breathe-out...
but my darling,
for why are you angry?
My uncle only asked you
to sign a little paper
to insure our happiness.
I don't want
any insurance.
I'm cancelling
my order
and they can put you
back in Macys window.
Yes, $5 million is hardly
a bargain, your Excellency.
It was not
$5 million, only 3.
Oh, what? How much?
$3 million only and my
darling becomes the princess.
We met in Berlin, yes?
No, no, I'm
sorry old man.
But I don't want it.
Well, but she...
my darling, come back
to the Cathedral,
then to my people,
to my country.
Your country?
Your people?
A lot of second-hand sturgeon
looking for a river to lay an egg in.
Oh, no, no, now really, Miss Parker,
Chelyabinsks a charming little state.
Well, they're financially
unsound, I must admit,
but a member of
the league of nations...
aha, now I know him.
In Geneva, it was.
But darling, do you
realize who this man is?
He is...
why did you do that?
He's said just about
enough to you.
You... you didn't
kill him, did you?
I don't think so.
Woman: The is Jeannine,
mademoiselle.
Jeannine! Your maid.
Well, here they come.
What next?
I don't know. Everything's
worse than ever now.
There will be police.
I hit him pretty hard.
Oh, I've got to get away
now. I'm all weak inside.
You said you would
help me. Will you?
Look, would you like
to get away from this?
Away from everything
and people,
where nobody
can reach you?
Oh, yes, yes. How?
Where you'll have
peace and quiet?
No cousins,
no aunts, no uncles,
no.. No princes, no... no reporters
until all of this blows over?
Oh, I've wanted
that all my life.
Will you trust me,
Sally Parker?
Can i?
Where's the back way?
Here. Come on.
Oh. We'll meet
them downstairs.
Maybe they won't
recognize us.
Here, here. Sit tight.
If anybody comes,
make a noise like a broom.
All right.
Plates under
the arms,
plates under
the small of the back,
and plates under
the stomach.
You back now?
Yes.
How is your bath tub?
Oh, fine, Baron,
fine. How's yours?
How come? What foul,
cheap, underhanded...
why, Mr. Pells,
what do you mean foul,
cheap, underhanded?
You didn't think I was going
to miss out on your story,
did you, Baron?
Say, this is an
ingenious outfit.
You see it is electrical
airline with plates.
Plates under the arms, plates
under the small of the back,
yes, yes, it's
excellent tailoring.
Bond street?
Say, by the way, is
your wife still pickled?
Was pickled?
I mean, is she still
in the salt rub?
Ja, ja. She's in
her apartment, sir.
Oh, yes. Yes,
that's fine.
Say, hold this
a minute, will you?
Hold?
I do hope Igor can get
Sally to change her mind.
Well you know how
persuasive Igor can be.
Man: Here they come now!
All: They they are.
Happy landing.
Good luck, Baron.
Airport, Baron?
Sure, sure, hurry, hurry!
We are late!
Airport.
All: Bye! Bye, Baron.
Pells: Hey, let me out
of here you, Mike Anthony!
Let me out of here!
You big double-crossing Hun,
come back here!
Come back here!
I'll get you, you son of a gun!
Hey, come back here, Anthony!
Come back here, you...
Baron:
Pells, let me out of here.
You get yourself out.
I'm no laundry man.
Get me out of here!
I beg your pardon.
Baron: Help! Help!
Mach schnell!
Hurry, hurry please.
We are late for
the take off.
Chauffeur: I'm giving her
all she can take, Baron.
What are you writing?
A cable to my mother.
It's her birthday
tomorrow.
Oh, that's sweet. She'll
be glad to hear from you.
Oh, she'll be
tickled pink.
When you leave us, send
this cable at once, collect.
Right-o, Baron.
Back, please, get back.
Flowers, for the baroness.
Right-o.
Oh, Baroness, Baroness!
Happy landing.
Michael: I wonder what
all those gadgets are for?
Let go!
Hey! Stop!
Follow that plane!
Yes, sir. Are you crazy?
Yes! I'll get you,
Mike Anthony!
Mein instruments,
main equipment are ruined.
A life's work
all over again.
Well, we run along.
As soon as i
locate the plane,
I'll get in touch with
you as a matter of routine.
Good day, Baron.
Thank you.
Good day, Baron.
Then you, men.
Thank you.
Well, that went over
pretty well, I think.
At least it's something
you didn't bungle.
Steven, I swear,
it all happened so...
shut up. That plane
must be found.
I know, I know.
Telephone, Colleen Humbert.
Get fouche in Paris.
One of them must locate
the plane, you hear?
I'll go down to
the field and stand by.
You call me the first news
and I take off at once.
If anyone gets to that
plane you're through!
Do you understand?
It must be found.
Right.
I hope you didn't
kill him.
Who? Kill what?
Igor.
Oh, that's all right. All
snakes live till sundown.
Stop worrying.
Look around for some
peace and quiet to land in.
How fast are we going?
Well, we're either up 2,100
feet and going 175 miles an hour,
or we're up 175 feet and
going 2,100 miles an hour.
Whimsical little
airplane, isn't it.
You know, there is something
queer about this ship.
Well I don't mean
to be critical,
but it was probably all right
before that take off.
No, no. I mean there
are no oxygen tanks
for these comic helmets
to connect with.
You know, Im beginning to think
the baron and baroness
are phonies.
I wonder where we are?
Get out those maps
there, will you?
Oh...
what color is
it down there?
It's sort of
a pinkish brown.
Pinkish brown?
We're over Persia.
Let me see if i
can find France.
If I remember right,
it's a kind of a green.
I wonder who admired
the baroness so much?
Amorous-looking
little gentlemen.
Ah, a note!
He must woo her with geography
or something because...
say, what on
earth is this?
Let's see.
What?
Number x-2593, foreign
office confiden-
wait a minute.
If this nightmare
gets any worse...
what's wrong?
Plenty. Say, this is
an admiralty chart.
Coast defense stations,
range of firing,
the whole works.
Phonies? The baron
and baroness are spies.
You mean this flight
and everything is...
is just a hop to smuggle
this out of England.
Say, we're small
prize, Sally.
Do you realize what
a story this will make?
What do you mean, story?
Uh... I mean, well, I mean what a story
it will make to tell our grandchildren.
We're tied up
in intrigue.
But I don't want to
be tied up in anything.
We're international.
I don't want to
be international.
I just want things to
stop happening to me.
Well, don't worry. I'll handle
this when the time comes.
And nothing more is
going to happen to you.
Except that...
except that...
except what?
Except that we're out of
gas, and we're almost down!
So you better
hold tight.
Here we go!
Don't hold
on to that!
We have landed!
Are you hurt?
No, chock full of
peace and quiet.
Where are we?
Madame, this is France.
Stop annoying
the livestock.
Don't be vulgar,
Mr. Anthony.
It happens to be this woolen
undershirt, that's all.
Trains run to Paris,
you know.
Trains, remember?
Choo, choo, choo!
I don't know why I keep
explaining things to you,
but railroad stations have
a habit of being watched.
Besides, you wanted
the simple life.
Peace and quiet.
Well here it is.
You're a fine one.
You profess
admiration for me,
you tell me you
want to help.
I put myself in your
hands and now look what.
Well, what? You wanted
my help and you got it.
Say, you don't think I enjoy
playing cops and robbers
all over Europe with a...
just exactly who do you
think you're talking to?
I'm talking to
a fairly attractive dame
who's got too much
dough for her own good.
Just between you and me,
Im beginning to think
that prince is
a pretty lucky boy.
You've said just about
enough, Mr. Anthony.
Too much!
I don't need your help
and advice or anyone else's.
As far as Im concerned,
you can take a running
front dive off this wagon.
And it's all
right with me
if I never see
you again.
Oh yeah?
Oh, where are
you going?
I can take a hint.
I'll be seeing you.
Paris in spring.
But... but you can't leave me
here with all these cabbages.
Well this constant
nagging will have to stop.
All right.
It has stopped.
And no more beefing.
Not a beef.
Ok.
In Mike you trust.
In Mike I trust.
You know, it's odd your
following me all that time.
You're reasonably
presentable and clean.
It's a wonder you didn't
get yourself introduced.
You don't know
the right people.
Then it must
be destiny.
Destiny?
Mm-hmm.
It's a story.
A great story.
Man: Boy, he's sure
steamed up about something.
Second man: I'll say he is. And
everybody's gonna hear about it.
Rose, it'll stand another
column on the woman's angle.
Put yourself in
Sally's place.
Jake, tell Wesson to
wire Anthony $2,000.
Union agency, Paris.
Right.
What a man, Anthony.
He's making
newspaper history.
If the circulation department
don't erect him a statue,
I'll dip myself
in bronze.
Hurry up with that
new lead, Wally.
Right.
Sit here and don't
say a word.
You're from the country
and dumb, see?
How's this?
I hope you're kidding.
Say, where are you going?
It's all right.
Well, for the love of Pete.
I'm sorry, but you'll first
have to see the man at the...
Mike! I wondered
when you'd turn up.
Hi, Jim. What the devil are you doing...
any money from home?
Sure, but what...?
All right, lead me to it, and
give me your fastest stenographer.
I've got to send
a cable home.
Got a match, pal?
No.
No.
Pretty big boy. In town
to see the girls, huh?
No.
Tell Mike Barney says
judgment day is here.
Oh...
hey, Mike, a man just
came in and told me...
we can get out of
here in a minute.
I got to get this
cable off to mother.
I know, but...
how much?
48 francs.
Hey, look at
the window.
What?
Look at the window.
Is that the man?
No, but Barney says
judgment day is here.
Huh? What?
Back way, where?
Quick!
Through there.
Good-bye.
Very clever,
Mr. Anthony.
Very astute.
It took the mind of a
child to follow your tracks.
Well, well,
Barney, old pal.
You're a gift
from the gods.
Mind over matter,
my friend.
Yours the muscle,
mine the brain.
Listen,
Miss Parker...
hey, you run along, Sally.
We'll catch up with you.
Listen,
he's the man...
you bet I am!
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
He's our pal.
He's gonna help us.
Go on, Sally.
Now, listen, Barney,
don't be insane.
This story's big
enough for both of us.
What was I doing in that
dark closet, hunting mice?
Oh, don't be catty.
Now listen, Barney,
she doesn't know
who I am.
She hates newspapers
and boys like us.
If you crack now,
we're both sunk.
Come on.
I'm sticking like
summer underwear.
Sally: Hey, Michael!
Michael! Here they come!
Michael: Come on! Hop in!
All right, captain
flag, baby's with you.
We can wait until the police
locate that stolen delivery truck.
And that's the way a couple of
Princeton men stick together,
hey Barney, old pal?
Old pal?
Sure, you don't have
to worry about this egg.
Why, we were inseparable at Princeton.
They used to call
him my shadow.
Huh. He still is.
Sure, one for all
and all for one.
And every man for
himself now and then.
You'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
this is too good
a chance to be loose.
All for one
and one for all, huh?
You ever hear of the odious
career of Benedict Arnold?
Yes, yes. But later
document proved Benny
to have been a very much
misunderstood man.
History says
different.
No, Im on the level
now. Honest, Barney.
I believe you,
Anthony, you hope.
Cops!
Hold tight, Sally.
Hey!
she'll be comin' round
the mountain when she comes
she'll be comin' round
the mountain
she'll be comin' round
the mountain when she comes
she'll be comin'...
now what?
We're out of gas.
Don't tell me they still
use that one at Princeton.
Is this on
the level?
I never heard two such
suspicious people in my life!
We gotta get
out and walk.
Where?
To the end of
the rainbow. Who cares?
Come on, the open
road, Barnabas.
The broad highway, madam.
Come Aramis, come Pothos!
With a cow field for a couch
and clouds for a coverlet.
Wresting the world with a song on
our lips and blade in our hands.
One for all
and all for one.
Sally, do you mind if i
speak with Romeo a minute?
Why?
Men, talk, you know.
Go pick yourself
a daisy.
Oh...
what's on your stagnant mind? Shhh...
I discovered this
while she was dressing.
What?
Look.
What?
Look.
Where?
Hey, you!
You dirty, double
- crossing snake, you!
One for all, huh?!
Good by, dear. I'll
write you in a day or two.
Pells: Hey, if you
let me out of here...
good-bye, dear.
Pells:
Hey, Sally!
Hey, Miss Parker, let
me tell you something!
Sally! Hey! Parker,
this guy's a reporter!
Oh, now wait
a minute, Pells.
That's too much.
Enough is enough.
You can't hear him now.
I thought he
was your friend.
Well, he used to be,
but today he'd sell his
sister for a Turkish dime.
Turned out to be
a newspaper man, Sally.
A reporter?
Yeah, foreign
correspondent.
New York gazette,
or something like that,
and he's on your trail.
I thought I'd string
him along back there
until we got out
of that jam.
You know, I feel
sorry for him.
Well, don't. You can't
trust a thing he says.
Well the next time he meets you,
he'll tell you stories about me.
He'll even have me a
reporter before he's through.
No, I mean I feel sorry for anyone
who has to earn his living that way.
No self respecting
man could accept money
for prying into
people's private lives.
No, no, and they don't
earn very much at that.
Is that Anthony
a newspaper man?
I got it! I got a topper
for the whole thing!
Who will be Sally's
ideal man?
Royal prince or
a lonely reporter?
Will old world
sophistication
win out over new
world virility?
We run a contest!
Prizes for
best letters!
Get it, Wally!
Snap out with
a lead right away.
We'll float an
extra on this.
Dave, get Wally's story
on the Paris cable.
I want this to break
all over Europe!
Oh, excuse me.
Lift me up.
I'm too tired,
but I'll lie
down beside you.
Old wine,
old friends, old jokes.
It's too fantastic!
Believe it or not,
but I think I see
a beautiful gasoline station
with a lot of rooms in it.
I'll bet there are
beds in those rooms.
Don't tell me
you see what I see?
We can't both be crazy!
That's what you think.
Hmm. Looks like we're
gonna spend the night
with some pretty
important ghosts.
All the Louis, Madame de
Maintenon, Richelieu..
I'd rather enjoy
meeting Richelieu.
I want to see if he really
looks like George Arliss.
Ah. A bottle of milk for
Marie Antoinettes bath.
If that was left for
her, it's sour by now.
No luck, Michael.
What caretaker would
open windows?
No sleep for
Sally tonight.
Lose not heart,
fair lady.
This may mean the
guillotine, but here goes.
What was that? Shhh.
Bismarck, quiet.
Down. Stop growling.
Come along.
We better go see.
Nice Bismarck.
Sit up. Beg. Beg.
We better take a gun.
It's empty.
Come, Bismarck, come.
Come. Come on.
Good boy.
Give me a hand. It's
awfully creepy in here.
Mike!
What's the matter?
Right there!
What?
That man!
That's not a man,
that's a statue.
You're just
saying that.
Yes, I am just
saying that.
You know, we're really
in terrible danger.
You're right.
That is just
a statue, Mike.
Madame de Maintenons
apartment.
Hey, we can't
resist this, Sally.
De Maintenon.
Louis Xiv's
favorite lady.
He did right for the
gal. He married her.
A peasant girl
born in a prison,
and she lived to be
surrounded by all this.
A queen.
I hear she was surrounded by
the king the most of the time.
Oh... her bedroom.
Think of it.
She ruled the destiny
of France,
of a whole nation,
from this very room.
You're wrong there.
Louis ruled France,
and she ruled Louis.
I'll bet she
really loved him.
The atmosphere of
the room does kind of...
well, kind of get
into you, doesn't it?
They say that
walls have ears.
If they could
only speak.
They are speaking.
I can tell you exactly
what Louis is saying.
He's a man of few words but
with a very definite objective.
Steady, Mr. Anthony?
No, no, no.
Listen to him.
He's st... st...
stuttering a little.
Her beauty makes him
n... n... nervous.
I know.
And listen to her.
She's bidding him good night
because she's very sleepy.
Hear her yawn?
Was that a yawn? Oh, I thought
it was just a nice deep sigh.
I don't know know where
you're going to rest
your tousled little
head, Mr. Anthony,
but Im going to
sleep right here.
Well, shall I make
up the upper, Madame?
I wonder what Louis would
do in a case like this?
Come on.
Good night,
Mr. Anthony.
This place must
be alive with beds.
Louis?
What do you advise?
Oh, you won't be very
far away, will you?
You'll be all right.
If anybody disturbs you
it'll be Louis himself.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Sally.
Who is it?
Louis.
L... Louis who?
Pick a number
from one to 10.
Louis xiv.
Madame was
trucking?
His majesty is several
centuries ahead of himself.
I was minueting.
May I have the next one?
After all,
I am your queen.
Your majesty, Madame.
Down, Bismarck, down.
These people live here.
They're friends of mine.
Who are you?
Guess.
Little Bo peep.
No, but you're warm.
We give up. Who?
The caretaker of your palace,
your majesty.
I have been
for 46 years.
Bismarck and I have
spent every night here
and enjoy every minute of it.
And all the fun we have had with
you and all the others ghosts.
All the other ghosts?
Then you think we
are ghosts, too?
Oh, oul, oul, oul.
I know you are.
The ghost of king Louis xiv
and Madame de Maintenon.
Your majesty, Madame,
may I present Bismarck?
Who is Bismarck?
And where is he?
He's my dog.
He's right here at my feet.
Bismarck, roll over,
like a good dog.
Isn't he clever?
I've never seen
anything like it.
Mike, let's
get out of here.
If you will pardon my
saying so, your majesty,
you have gone very rusty
in your minuet.
Your form, after all
these years, is a way off.
Let me illustrate.
May I have
your hand, Madame?
Couldn't we just
sit this one out?
No, no, no.
Go right ahead.
His majesty
commands.
Come on, swing it,
daddy. Swing it!
The king can do no wrong.
Don't be afraid, Madame.
It is not loaded.
No, no, no.
Not at your head!
This gun is crazy!
The gun's crazy?
You're all right.
Oul. There, you see?
Don't worry, Madame.
I'll tell them you
shot in self defense.
Mike, if you don't get
that man out of here,
you're going to have an awful
hysterical woman on your hands.
I'll try.
It's getting kind
of late, isn't it?
Oh, what time is it,
your majesty?
5 minutes of 12:00.
Oh. We must hurry.
You see, at 12:00
I turn into a pumpkin.
Happy Halloween.
Merci, Madame.
Your majesty, have Bismarck and I
your permission
to withdraw?
Well, yes, yes,
if you insist.
Come, Bismarck.
Anthony: Oh, by the way,
if Bismarck there
ever has puppies,
I wish you'd send me one.
Shall be honor.
Good night, your majesties.
May you find great joy
in your return
to Fontainebleau.
Come, Bismarck.
Mike,
I need some air.
I hope there's
enough for both of us.
12:00, he's a pumpkin by now.
Funny little man.
A happy little man
in a world all his own.
And Im here, too.
London, marriage settlements,
unpleasant people...
they all seem very
far away right now.
Far away?
Yeah, that reminds me.
Good night.
Mike!
Where are you going?
Why, I've got to
find some place
to rest this tousled
head of mine, remember?
Oh, but you can't
leave me like this,
you can't go-
hello.
Oh, I always
knew someday
about somebody
like you.
You know, I've known
people I've liked
and some I've disliked.
I've hated a few
and thought I loved
a couple,
but, I've never known
anyone I could trust
up till now.
Look Sally,
a fella has to make
a living, understand?
Such a nice living.
Two can live
happier than one.
Well, it isn't
that exactly, but,
well, I've had
a job all my life.
I knew you
did something. What?
Well, Im a-
Im a writer.
How wonderful, darling.
What do you write about?
Oh, I write about people,
you know, things.
What sort of things?
Have I read them?
I want to learn
everything
you've ever written
by heart.
Well, Sally,
I might as well admit it.
What?
That Im about
to crucify myself.
But you suddenly
turned out to be
the only girl
this side of the moon.
Oh, let's skip
anything else.
Everything else.
Louis?
The 13th, 14th, or 15th?
Barney the first.
How did you get here?
I came in through
the plumbing.
Well, then you can
get out the same way.
I know all about you.
You do, huh?
Yes.
Well, listen, where is
that double-headed cobra?
Where's that python?
If you're speaking
of snakes, Mr. Barney
whatever-your-name-is,
let me tell you this-
try to seal me
in a boxcar, will he?
Lifts my clothes,
will he?
Well, let me tell
you about that.
Oh, you don't look
any sillier than usual.
And get off my bed!
You don't know about
that chimpanzee, do you?
You don't know he's
a newspaper man, do you?
Well, how'd you
like to look at
the Paris edition of
the New York chronicle
and see
that dirty snake.
Running true to form,
aren't you?
Well, you'd better run
away and hide, little man.
It's open season
on rodents around here.
Now listen, Parker,
I can get tough, too,
and I haven't had
my breakfast yet.
But I'm gonna
put you wise.
The panels are
of solid gold leaf.
Fashioned in
the post-renaissance era by-
who's that?
The Madame herself?
What occurs here?
What you do here?
They should
listen to me-
Sally, come on,
come on,
we gotta get
out of here!
But Mike, this horrendous
hoodlum won't leave me!
Ah, let her wallow
in some more smooch, eh?
Hello, Barney old pal, how are you?
It is forbidden
to sleep here!
Now, don't worry,
Barney,
we'll get you
out of here!
Where are my pants?
Who are all
these people?
Oh, you're a bunch
of pigeons!
Where are my clothes,
Mr. Underwear snatcher?
Hey, look! The law!
Come on! Come on!
It's the fastest
way to the street!
Follow, monsieur!
My clothes!
Hey! Come back here!
Hey!
Ahhh!
A ghost in daylight!
Hey!
It's all right,
you can come out now.
If I didn't love you
quite so much, darling,
I'd make believe
you weren't with me.
You look like a very sweet,
half-witted hillbilly.
I'm a hungry hillbilly.
There's a restaurant.
Right after breakfast,
Im going to buy the palace
of Fontainebleau just for us.
Ghosts and all.
Oh!
Bismarck!
Come on, come on.
Come on, get in here
and behave yourself.
Shhh. Don't look now,
you know who
just passed by?
Who?
King Louis the 14th
and Madame de Maintenon.
I asked you not to
take that last drink.
We'll have two
of everything.
Yes, and one copy
of the Paris edition
of the New York chronicle.
What's the matter,
darling?
Well, do I look as if there
were anything the matter?
It's all over you.
All over me is right.
Well, we who are
about to die,
salute you.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
I tried to tell
you last night.
You unbelievable,
you incredibly
unthinkable,
you sheer,
unadulterated worm!
Go ahead, I deserve it,
all the adjectives.
Sally confides
dreams to Anthony.
Why you're something
that flies out of a jar
when they
take the lid off.
Sally, I don't know
anything about that contest,
and I'll
make them kill it.
So this is your dear,
sweet mother, is it?
How do you do,
Mrs. Anthony?
Isn't that cute?
Little Michael tearing
wings off grasshoppers.
The only girl
this side of the moon,
and I believed you.
I tried to tell you last night,
but I couldn't.
You don't know what
last night meant to me.
How can I tell what
last night meant to you
until I see the next
issue of the chronicle?
Not more than 500 words,
and be sure and write on
only one side of the paper.
Mr. Anthony I'll
write on the back.
He writes on
the backs of barns.
Well, what are you
waiting for?
There must be a cable
office around here somewhere?
Aren't you afraid you'll
miss the next edition?
Taxi fare to Paris.
And, well i,
Im sorry.
No, he'll come back.
You mind if I sit down,
Ms. Parker?
Why not?
It doesn't make
any difference,
all kinds of people
have sat here.
Mike just stepped
out a second, I guess,
to find a cable, huh?
He can step out of
a balloon,
as far as Im concerned.
So, you finally read
your report card, huh?
Pretty brutal stuff,
if you ask me.
Hey, wait a minute,
you're a reporter,
aren't you, Barney?
Me? Now listen,
Ms. Parker,
if that Anthony guy's been handing
you a lot of silly stuff about me-
look.
It goes pretty hard
with one reporter
if he loses his story to
another reporter, doesn't he?
Well, yeah, I guess so-
all right, then if
you're not a reporter,
go find me one,
because he's gonna have me
for his own personal scoop.
Ms. Parker,
Im no mere reporter,
Im the best
correspondent in Europe!
You write good stories?
The best.
All the news
that's fit to print.
I don't want that kind.
You can print
anything about me.
What I eat for breakfast,
how I take a bath,
anything that'll make
Mr. Michael Anthony squirm.
Things about him,
things about me,
do you understand?
Parker, baby,
you call the shots,
and I'll pull the trigger.
Come on, reporter,
I've got work to do,
woman's work.
Waiter: Oh, Madame,
the bacon, the coffee, the-
I don't want it,
will you pay for it,
please?
Sure.
Thank you.
Voila.
Merci, monsieur.
More backgammon?
No, thank you.
Casino? Checkers?
No casino, no checkers,
thank you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Machiavelli.
Machiavelli who?
Machiavelli
good suit for $10.
Heh, heh, heh.
You get it?
Yes, I get it, Barney.
You got a very pretty profile, you know.
It fits into your neck like
it was made by a mechanic.
A lovely thought,
Barney.
You wouldn't like
to neck, would you?
No thanks,
do you mind?
Oh, that's all right,
I just thought...
when do you send
your first cable?
I sent it.
And Anthony,
when does he get fired?
In a day or two,
right out on his ear.
Oh, I suppose he'll get a
job with another newspaper.
Him?
He'll be blacklisted.
Through.
Wonderful.
Can he do anything else?
Nothing that won't
land him in jail.
I suppose he'll
get on relief.
He might for a few days,
but that's all.
They're fussy about
who gets relief.
I hope he gets kicked off
the bread line, too.
It's kind of strange to think
of him being down and out.
Always so sure
of himself, Anthony was.
Mmmm.
That's the way it
starts around new York.
I've seen hundreds
of them.
First they borrow
a 10-spot, then a buck,
then 25 cents for
donuts and coffee.
And then it's a shirt.
And they tell you they got
a swell job doing publicity
and you stumble over them
one night in the park,
wrapped up in
an old Sunday edition
to keep the cold out.
Oh, stop it, Barney.
Poor Michael.
Woman, thy name
is screwball.
Yeah, who is it?
Come on in.
Lunch is ready.
Barney: Hey!
What's the idea?
Your hands down,
please.
I want that map,
Ms. Parker.
What are you
talking about?
What map?
It was not in the plane,
I want it quickly,
Ms. Parker.
What's he talking about?
I haven't got it.
Hilda, search her.
You put that
gun down and try it.
I must insist upon
an unfair advantage.
Step outside.
Well?
You'd better go,
Barney.
Everything off now,
Ms. Parker, quick.
Smile, please,
we are friends,
you and I.
I said smile.
Step along.
Wait, Mr. Pells.
Do you play bridge?
Yeah, well, uh,
just fair,
who'd we get
for a fourth?
Hey, hey,
what's the idea!
Then you'll understand
what I mean by sloughed.
You are about
to be sloughed.
Jump!
You think Im crazy?
Jump at once!
Hey, now wait,
now listen,
maybe the next
stop we'll-
Ahhhh!
Yes?
She claims
Anthony has it.
Where is he?
She claims
she doesn't know.
Give her back
her things.
We'll follow her.
She'll lead us
to him.
"I hereby resign.
Will probably
become a gypsy."
He's become a gypsy.
We deserve better treatment
than that, Mr. Berger.
Deserve?
We deserve
the Pulitzer prize!
50,000 letters in
this contest already.
This is more than human
flesh could endure.
Why don't you get
some sleep, chief?
Sleep?
Anthony fiddles
while Berger burns?
Woman: Mr. Berger!
Mr. Berger!
The dispatch has
got Sally Parker.
I give up.
A lot of
unwholesome racketeers
have crept into
this business.
It's no place
for an honest man.
Pack my things,
miss fowler.
Don't give me any
farewell dinner,
just let me
fade out quietly.
Wait a minute.
Take a cable to
Michael Anthony!
Get Sally Parker back!
She is with Barney Pells.
You still work for us!
Be a gypsy on your own time!
That's very appropriate,
zodders,
very appropriate.
Ah-ha! Judas!
That's a very fancy
disguise, Mr. Pells.
You're as transparent
as a seer.
Gosh,
Im glad I found you.
We gotta talk.
Yeah, no sir.
I'm weak as a can,
I lost about a gallon of blood,
the doctor says.
And a bottle of burgundy,
your best.
Bottle of burgundy?
Yes, sir.
Listen Mike,
Parker's in danger.
What?
What did you say?
Where?
We were on
the train to nice, see.
The baron busted in
with a pistol.
He wants a map
or something from Parker.
What's it all about,
and what are we gonna do?
She still with him?
As far as I know.
He sloughed me off
the train, and here I am.
Nice, eh?
We gotta get going.
As soon as I get a little
red blood in my veins.
Look, I gotta
make a phone call
to a friend of mine down
there whom I can trust.
He'll look after Sally
until we get there.
Oh, say, look,
I'm Broke.
Have you got any dough?
Well,
about 200 francs, why?
Give it to me.
Well, how are we
gonna settle up here?
Well, my credit's
good here,
and I've gotta have dough
to make that phone call.
Now listen, Mike,
by all that's holy,
if you pull
anything on me-
wait a minute, kid.
You said she was
in danger, didn't you?
I know, but-
ok, Mike.
B- but monsieur, i-i-
shut up.
I think you ought to know
the man at my table
is the biggest
deadbeat in Europe.
He goes all over the continent
catching dinners and drinks.
He's a mental case.
He hasn't a cent.
I ducked out,
but Im tipping you off.
But thank you,
monsieur Anthony.
Yeah, I'd throw a scare
into him if I were you.
Keep him guessing
for a while.
But I will, monsieur.
Here, here,
this'll pay for mine.
Thank you, thank you,
monsieur Anthony.
I'll take care of it.
You are enjoying
the dinner, monsieur?
Yeah, it's fine.
The steak is
satisfactory?
Great,
I may even have
another one
with more onions.
More onions.
Perhaps some
mushrooms, too.
Mmmm... good idea.
And another
bottle of wine.
You know it makes blood.
More wine?
Makes blood.
And how are you going
to pay for all this?
Well, uh, Mr. Anthony
will be right back.
He just went to
make a phone call.
Mr. Anthony
told me what you are.
The deadest beat
in Europe.
A case which is mental.
Do you know how you are
going to pay for this?
gone, like the wind
you are gone
just a dream lingers on
for my loved one is gone
gone, like the roses of June
like a beautiful tune
that has ended too soon
it seems a moment ago we met,
if you forget
one fleeting moment of love
that brings only regret
because you're gone
Madames pate
is not right?
I don't wish it,
thank you.
Thank you very much.
for my loved one is gone
who is it?
Would you like
to buy a pencil
from an ex-newspaper man?
I just heard
you were in trouble,
and I thought that,
well,
I thought that maybe-
oh darling,
don't think.
Just hold me
nice and close.
Now before we go
into anything else,
I just want you
to know that I've quit
that glass bottom boat
they call the chronicle.
You've quit?
Oh no,
how could you?
But you said-
oh, never listen
to what I say,
I learned that
a long time ago.
Kiss me, please.
Did you hear
anything?
Not a thing.
Nice work.
Must be the plumber.
It might be
funnier than that.
It might be Barney.
The human
bloodhound?
Let me bid him
welcome.
Mr. And Mrs. Frankenstein.
They've been following
me every minute.
They probably knew
you were here.
They're really
after you.
No, no, no. They're
really after that map.
We've got to
get it back
to the London
foreign office.
It's too important
to be comfortable.
But how?
An Anthony always goes
out the way he comes in.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
I have time to fix up,
haven't i?
We look disgraceful.
All right,
I'll get the tickets
and meet you over there.
All right.
Michael, I hope we live
to be very, very old.
Perfect.
You know what to do?
Of course.
Parker!
Ms. Sally Parker!
And what makes
you think
this lady
is Ms. Parker?
Because she is,
I tell you!
She had the room
reserved under Perkins.
The name is
Perkins.
No, my friend!
The name is Parker!
Can we stop all this
and do a little
police work?
She's either in a jam
or she's with a burglar
named Anthony.
Burglar, you say?
What was stolen?
Listen, stop playing
Guggenheim, will you?
And get out
the bloodhounds!
Ah, Guggenheim.
Mr. Pells, these are
necessary police details.
We must not leave
a stone unturned.
How many people did you
ever find under stones?
I want Sally Parker!
Somebody ought to be camping
in that railroad station,
and that's where
I am right now!
Just got time
to make it.
One on that
channel train.
My mother just broke
her hip in two places.
Where?
In two places-
no, Calais,
as far as she goes.
Hurry, will you?
Hey!
Your change!
Well, here we are,
all nice and safe-
my compliments,
Baroness.
Just how long have i
been under the impression
that you were
Ms. Parker?
Only since rejoining
you at the station.
I'll take that map now.
Where's Ms. Parker?
In a very smart outfit
I had to exchange
for this.
That map, please.
Don't be silly,
Baroness.
Come in, Wilhelm.
Let's do be silly,
Mr. Anthony,
I want that map.
I'm very sorry.
I haven't got it.
If you remember in
the hotel in London
you were rude enough
to surprise me
during my salt rub.
If I don't get
that map,
I shall be forced
to see you
under similar
circumstances...
without the salt.
Shall we send wily
here out for some?
Take off your coat.
All right, all right,
just a minute.
It unbuttons.
It's not there.
Your trousers,
please.
Uh, no,
I give you my word
it's not in my trousers.
Now let's talk this
thing over, man to man.
Take them off.
Didn't you hear me
yelling and pounding?
I've been locked
in here for hours.
I was out of duty,
Madame.
But why did you put your
clothes in the hamper?
It's just
a sorority initiation.
Walk along this arcade,
Ms. Parker.
Your wife left with
Mr. Anthony, of course.
Yes, she's to have
achieved her purpose by now.
She won't harm him,
will she?
It would be necessary
should he become difficult.
What are you
going to do with me?
Soon as I receive word
from my wife here,
I shall consider that.
Would you care
for some tea?
Please don't be
surprised
if I suddenly
go into an accent.
Baron, after what
I've been through,
I wouldn't be surprised
if you suddenly vanished
in a puff of smoke.
Madame.
Monsieur.
I'm not very hungry,
let's see.
Some smoked salmon
with Swedish bread.
And glass of
Turkish coffee.
And you, my dear?
Huh? Oh,
some tea, black.
Now that everything's
nice and cozy,
may I have a cigarette?
Or do they have little
capsules of poison in them?
Nothing as glamorous
as that.
Straight Virginia.
Most Americans refuse.
I'm a rather
unorthodox American,
as you perhaps noticed.
And while we're
on the subject,
may I go on record
as saying
I dislike your
wife very much?
And Im glad she's out
of the way for a while.
You are very frank.
And very lovely.
And very bored...
with everything
and everybody...
up till now, Baron.
What do you suggest?
Anything...
anything
that's different
and exciting
and glamorous.
Your life must be
like that, Baron.
Oh, you are very lovely.
I like to hear you
say that.
And oh,
you are so silly.
What you're attempting,
my dear,
has been tried by women
from Constantinople
to new York.
I don't wish to
appear unappreciative,
but once or twice the temptation
was even greater than it is now.
That's not fair.
I can see you're
just not interested.
Baron: Now, my dear,
we take a little trip to a-
this is the lady here.
This is
Ms. Sally Parker?
Yes,
watch this man.
Ms. Parker, allow me to introduce-
yes, I know,
we'll go into
that later.
But this man-
I am Baron
Spandermann.
Ah, yes,
I recognize you, Baron.
I'm an air
enthusiast myself-
Baron nothing,
he's a spy I tell you.
My dear
Ms. Parker-
a spy!
Arrest him!
That accent is
just a disguise.
Well, do something,
will you?
My dear, lieutenant,
Ms. Parker is
a little embarrassed.
I was trying to find her
reasons for stealing my plane.
Will you please
understand what Im saying?
Quiet, Ms. Parker.
This can all be
settled in my office.
I must take you
in custody as it is.
Baron, you'll come along
and prefer charges.
Not pleasant,
but I feel I should.
Oh, you poor dimwits,
won't you believe me?
I'm sorry, Ms. Parker,
in my office.
Please, in my office.
Take my car, lieutenant,
it is more comfortable.
Ah, very kind.
If you're a policeman
worthy of the name,
you'll listen to me and-
in my office,
Ms. Parker.
Of course
you realize
your trustees have offered 5,000 reward
for your apprehension and return?
For the last time,
let me warn you,
this man is-
no, no, no,
Baron.
The police station
is to your right.
We're not going to
the police station.
I'm so sorry.
Slipped my mind.
I should have told you
about the baron.
Chalet, please.
Welcome back,
Madame.
Follow that cab,
please.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
We have a guest,
Rudolph.
I hope you enjoy
our hospitality.
Go inside, please.
A very fanciful
disguise, Mr. Anthony.
You weren't hiding from
me by any chance, were you?
Oh, all tied up
good and tight, huh?
How about down here, eh?
Yeah, don't try to
reason with me, Anthony.
I'm a deadbeat.
A mental case.
Ow!
I don't react
normally at all.
Don't look away.
So, little Parker's finally
getting her revenge on you, is she?
You would trifle with
an unprotected maiden's
heart, would you?
Even a hummingbird will turn
and become a vicious monster
if given sufficient
provocation, Mr. Anthony.
Don't wave your elbows
like the black widow
spider you are, my friend,
because
little Parker and I
are just about to fly
away to a cable office,
Mr. New York
chronicles expert.
And then the dispatch
readers will learn
how Barney Pells turns
the tables on a rat
that leaves people
rotting in restaurants.
All right,
start lying to me.
For the love of Mike,
will you shut up?
That's not Sally
in there.
That's the baroness
in Sally's clothes.
You know who I am?
I'm the baron.
All right,
just sit there
and crack wise with
your head in the noose.
If you won't help me,
you'd better get out of here.
I'm the baron.
I just ate the baroness.
You're really
a very low fella.
You gotta believe me
this once, Barney.
This is one time-
this in no time.
Baroness, in other room:
Rudolph, Rudolph.
Rudolph: Yes, Hilda?
Baroness: And sounds
from our nosy guest?
None. I may have
strangled him.
I was in quite a hurry.
Baroness:
How careless of you, Rudolph.
Yeah, well don't sit there
gaping like a pelican,
get me out of this.
Why, dive it all
in the water.
How did things
turn out this way?
Don't talk, untie.
Well, honest, Mike,
I had no idea.
Neither did i.
Do you think I came
along for the ride?
What are we gonna do?
We gotta corral this outfit,
that's what.
They've got a map that the
foreign office wants back.
It's gotta have it back.
If it doesn't get it,
it means a lot of trouble
for a lot of people
what a story!
Yeah, and if we leave,
we're gonna write it, too.
Hey, wait a minute,
I got it.
Here, you sit here.
Wait a minute,
what's the idea?
You're going
to be me.
Oh no you don't,
my friend!
You've maneuvered me into
things for the last time.
Wait a minute, Barney,
wait a minute.
This is different.
If we're going to save
our hides and Sally's
and everybody's,
we've got to do this.
I know the layout here.
Well, you can
show it to me.
If it's as much an
emergency as you say it is,
you're gonna need my brain
as well as your muscle.
And anyway, I can run
just as fast as you can.
Nobody's going to run.
We're gonna walk out
of here or not at all.
Well, what do I do
if they come in?
Just keep quiet and I'll be
covering you all the time.
Where will you be?
I'll be around,
and if they get rough,
I'll be in there
for both of us.
Now listen, Mike,
if we get out of this,
it's gonna be the biggest
story since august, 1914.
You gotta stick
by me this time.
I want you to know
you're persuading me,
but you haven't
convinced me.
Barney, don't lose your
perspective, old boy.
This is beyond any
petty little gags
we may have pulled
on each other.
This is serious, kid.
Why, you're risking
your life for me.
Oh, shucks,
that's nothing.
How do you think I could
double cross you now
with everything
that's at stake.
Why, this is the biggest
thing that ever happened.
Richard Harding Davis never
pulled a trick like this.
Greeley, Dana,
Luther, Burbank-
well, the greatest of them
never found this many pearls.
We'll split a byline
on this, kid.
We'll go down in
the archives of journalism
in lace pants and gold hats.
Why, I'll never forget
this as long as I live.
I wonder if I will.
You're all right,
Barney, old kid.
Oh, well, you must be
on the level this time.
Nobody could be
low enough and live to-
well, it just doesn't
happen, that's all.
No, you bet it doesn't,
Barney, old boy.
Here comes the baron.
He's got his mob
with him.
Hey, this is serious,
baby.
What's the matter?
Too tight?
No, I changed my mind!
I changed my mind!
Yeah, yeah, atta baby.
Fight!
Where's Michael?
What have you
done with him?
You'll join him
in a minute.
My butler will take your things.
You'll be here
quite some time.
Otto, the plane's
ready.
Go upstairs,
change,
and get your
things.
This affair's
taken us a week,
and we should've
been a day.
I agree with you.
This way,
please.
Oh, Michael, darling,
Im here, it's Sally!
Her first.
Paul, these
two together.
Did they hurt you,
darling?
Can't you talk?
Ouch!
Why, you poor
excuse for a man.
I'll spend every cent
I've ever had to find you.
I'll hire every
g- man in America
to trail you to
Vladivostok and back again.
You sneaking contemptible-
Owwwww!
Stop it!
I'm trying very hard to
control myself, Ms. Parker.
When you're discovered,
we'd rest much easier if
you're all discovered...
quite dead.
I know, Michael.
If you were free,
she wouldn't talk that way.
Even if she does kill us,
we'll be together,
won't we, darling?
We've got
them all, Hilda?
Yes, you and Paul leave
in the car immediately.
We'll meet at
the village 5
at the house
with number 12.
Night after tomorrow.
Good luck to you both.
Good luck, Hilda. Good-bye.
Whatever happens,
we're not afraid,
are we, darling?
I love you, Michael,
I-
look out, Michael,
it looks as though she's
going to fire any minute.
Oh, darling, please
be careful, please!
It might be
worth mentioning
if I hear any
cries or freaks
before we're
in the air,
I'll start shooting
through that door.
It's hard to say
who I might hit.
Good-bye, Paul!
Rudolph!
Paul and Rudolph:
Good-bye! Good luck!
Hilda,
I cannot find a towel,
Im all wet.
Hand me a towel,
Hilda, Im all- ahhhh!
In my office,
Baron!
Here it is.
And that gives
me an idea.
Is that comfortable,
Baroness?
Don't worry
about her.
Truss her her up
like a Christmas duck.
Boy, if we only had
some photographers,
what a story!
What a tale!
We'll get a year's salary
bonus on this, Mike, my boy.
Come on, hurry up,
get me out of this.
We gotta get to
a cable office.
Yeah, yeah,
Im filing about 4,000
words for a flash bulletin.
What do you want me to
cable to the dispatch?
Huh?
Gosh, uncle,
I didn't realize
that you were
laid up this way.
Now wait a min-
heh, heh, you're still
the same old Mike, huh?
This is no time
for kidding!
When do you plan
on getting out?
Is there anything
that I can get
to make you
comfortable?
Uh, fruit, or flowers,
or maybe you'd like
a private room.
I'll speak to the house
physician on the way out.
We'll split a byline
on this, huh?
Yeah? Lace hats
and gold pants, huh?
Sally, we better go,
uncle's has too many
visitors.
This is bigger than either
of us, Barney, old pal!
You risked your life for me,
Barney, old pal!
Here, here, now.
You can see the children
playing in the garden.
Dana? Greeley?
They'll come back
and haunt that dank,
rotting cave
you live in!
Good-bye, Barney,
old pal.
Sally!
Sally, stop him!
I'm sorry,
I haven't time, Barney,
I have to write
the woman's angle.
Then that goes for you,
too, Parker!
I hereby put the pell's
curse on the two of you!
To the seventh son
of the seventh son!
Maybe it's love,
and maybe Im just getting
soft in the arteries,
but suddenly,
after all these years,
I feel sorry for Barney.
Do you think that i-
I think you
want to go back,
and I think
you're very nice.
Dunim Wyler
cable office.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Dunim Wyler
cable office.
Oh, oh, this is
the cable office?
Well, this is
Barnabas w. Pells.
Now, send this collect.
Press rates.
Exclusive the
New York dispatch.
By Barnabas W. Pells.
Now get that name right.
B for black,
a for-
a, for ain't you
ashamed of yourself?
No, Mike! No!
Change that,
change that byline.
Make it
Barnabas W. Pells
and Michael Anthony.
I was gonna do it all
the time, Mike, old pal.
Yeah, sure you were,
Barney, old pal.
M, for maniac.
I, for I love you,
darling.
And c, for crackpot.
And h,
for how soon
are we gonna
get married?
H, for how soon are
we gonna get ma-
no, Im not drunk!
A, for anytime
you say.
Oh, shut up.