Love... Reconsidered (2024) Movie Script
1
Oh, yeah.
Seriously?
-So where do you summer?
-Where do I summer?
Usually at the Hamptons, yeah.
-Oh.
-The Hamptons.
Fabulous. Where?
You know,
it just changes all the time.
I just keep kind of
hip hopping around.
Oh, totally. The housing market
is ridiculous.
Insanity.
Absurd.
I'm in SAG.
-Same.
-Oh? We'll lunch.
Oh, fuck off.
Alison, you haven't eaten
since '09.
Oh my God, stop it!
I'm blushing, you bitch!
Family.
Sisters.
What do you do?
Excuse me, miss?
I ordered a drink
20 minutes ago.
I'm sorry. You must be mistaken.
-I don't work here.
-No, I ordered it from you.
Uh, no. Definitely not.
Enjoy the party though.
So weird. I must have, like,
a twin or something.
Anyway, um,
I'm an entrepreneurship kind of.
What do you guys do?
Finance.
They call me the Golden Clit.
They can look,
but they can't touch.
Oh, oh, oh.
And she throws
this incredible event
every year.
- Stop! I hate you,
but I love you.
If you ladies will excuse me,
I have tonight's speech
to prepare for.
Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Oh, yeah. She is #superwoman.
Rumor has it that Gwyneth
tapped her to be
the next CEO of Goop.
- You're joking.
- She's not.
I'm not.
Anyway,
Eden's the best person to know
if you ever wanna get ahead.
Where have you been?
-I was helping with the guests.
-Bullshit!
You were schmoozing,
and I explicitly forbid
schmoozing.
Didn't you see the sign?
No, the other sign!
Look, when I gave you this job,
I told you there was
one thing I expected.
What do we want?
- Excellence.
- And when do we want it?
- Always.
- Always.
But no, I was not schmoozing,
I was networking.
The more people we know,
the more people we can serve.
-Well, fired immediately.
-But--
No, I don't pay you to network
or schmooze or complain.
I pay you to plate
and pass puffs. Out!
No, now. Go.
Are you eating the custard?
Spit that out.
Put that back in the cup.
We could still use that.
Oh my God. Animals.
Ladies, gentlemen.
As the city winds down
and Long Island heats up,
I wanna thank all of you
for donating your energy, time,
and resources
to Boas for Bora Bora.
We know how each and every one
of these young local girls needs
- a feathery, sparkly pink boa
to make her feel her best.
Cheers to you for making
this dream come to life.
Bora is just the beginning.
And bring on the summer!
No.
No, no, no, no, no don't call.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Bad Ruby.
It's just a phone call.
Just let him know
I'm thinking about him.
Hey. Uh, it's me.
Um...
I know our last conversation
was kind of strange,
so I just want to check in.
Um...
see how you're doing and everything.
- So... give me a callback,
I guess.
We're sorry,
the mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Should have just rubbed one out.
Come on, girls, help me out.
What am I supposed to do next?
- Ew, Dad.
- Gary!
What? It's fine.
Your ancestors died
so we could have cereal.
What are you talking about?
Ruby, what are your plans
for the summer?
Ooh, are you gonna get
a real job?
Are you moving in with Noah?
Are you moving
out of this house?
No, it's Noah.
You can't be a cater waiter
for the rest of your life.
You know, it's just we haven't
heard his name lately,
he hasn't been around.
I told you you need to take that
economics course in college.
-Now it's too late.
-Is there trouble in Paradise?
Oh, my God, you guys!
I got fired from my job,
and Noah dumped me, okay?
And no, I don't have
another fucking job, Dad.
And I don't have
another boyfriend, Mom.
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, I'm nauseous.
You see what you're doing
to your mother?
Listen.
It'll be okay, Booby.
Thanks, Dad.
Your possibilities are endless.
- Do you really think so?
- Yeah.
-Now you can get a real job.
-What?
- Dad!
- -Ruby, listen to your mother.
You're gonna go to shul.
Do not roll your eyes at me.
You go to shul
and you pray to God
to bring you
a nice Jewish doctor.
-Or better yet,
an orthopedic surgeon.
-Ooh.
-I mean,
how many bones are in the body?
-All of them.
-I mean, they work constantly.
-Yes.
Oh, no DOs.
They're not real doctors
-They're not.
-And do not date a chiropractor.
What, do they go
to college for, six months?
- A correspondence course.
- And with your neck.
- Oh, my God,
it still doesn't move an inch.
I can't believe
that happened to you.
Where are you going?
- Ruby.
- Sweetheart.
We're trying to help you.
- Sweetie, we love you.
- -We just want you to be happy.
Oh, Gary, I, I'm so nauseous.
-Here.
-No with the peanut butter.
-It helps.
-It's 24 hours a day
with the goddamn peanut butter!
-It helps me.
-It's an illness!
-Lovely day, isn't it?
-What?
Just saying it's a nice day.
Beautiful.
Time for tea, I think.
Oh, let me help you.
-Here, grab a wing.
-Oh. Thank you, dear.
Bye.
- Hello.
- Hi. Oh, my God,
it's so good to hear your voice.
Ruby, I thought I made it clear
that I need space.
Right. Well...
...uh, do you know
when you think
you'll stop needing that space?
I shouldn't have
answered the phone.
But you did.
And it's for sure, you know.
And can I just say, how often
is it that you meet another Jew
who you actually want to date?
You know, instead of fantasizing
about dating the hot blond guy
or the hot Muslim guy
or the hot Greek guy
from the deli.
This is probably
too much information,
but I see the way
you look at the blonde,
leggy, waspy girl in yoga.
So I know we're
on the same page.
I just feel like we're meant
to be together, you know?
No, no. We're not.
Not right now, at least.
You can't take care of
yourself. And I don't have
the bandwidth
to do that for you right now.
Okay?
Okay, you're 30, and you've had,
like, 15 careers.
So? Most people have one career.
Two if they're lucky.
I am a boss bitch.
I just haven't figured out
what I'm supposed to be
bossing yet.
Look, that's,
that's great, Ruby.
Go find it,
um, on your own.
Listen, I got to go.
I am out east, and
- Dad'll be up soon,
so good luck.
Bye.
-Probably you just should have
rubbed one out.
-Oh, my God.
-Did you just eavesdrop
on my conversation?
-On my hobble home,
I realized I never got
your name, so I came back,
-and when I did--
-You stood there and listened?
-Exactly.
-Okay, well, that's very weird.
-Mmm.
-But also, I get it.
I had a terrible boyfriend, too.
-Epstein's lawyer. Hmm.
-Was your boyfriend?
Well,
we recently broke up.
Lawyers have a thing
for older women.
Dear, don't think twice
about that pisher.
He's... He's not a pisher.
Well, he kind of is.
But... he also kind of isn't.
-And anyway,
it's not any of your business.
-Hmm.
I also lost my fucking job. God.
And I'm sitting here
on a park bench
talking to a stranger.
And frankly,
you seem a little...
Meshuggener?
Kind of.
My name is Golda.
Hi, Golda, I'm Ruby.
It's bashert we met.
I knew it the minute I saw you.
Come to my home.
What?
I don't know you.
You're probably a serial killer.
Would a serial killer admit
she was a serial killer?
-No.
-Then I'm a serial killer.
Come on,
I wanna show you something.
Wow, Golda,
this place is beautiful.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, watch out
for the kitty cats.
Do you know I've been
sitting on that bench
the better part of 30 years?
Not once has anyone
said hello to me.
Yep. Not till you, Bubala.
Here it is.
Wow.
You see anything you like?
Yes.
Honestly, this was the most fun
I've had in a really long time.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
I haven't gotten a chance
to show that stuff off in ages,
and you have a good eye.
What do you
want to do with that?
I don't know.
I'm just trying
to be relevant, you know?
Is that too much?
Never. It was honest.
I've been looking
for someone like you.
-You have?
-Mmm.
I have a storefront
in Southampton
called Magic Closet.
Haven't been there in ages.
Why don't you go run it for me?
Seriously?
God, you're like
a fairy godmother.
That is so nice of you to offer,
but I couldn't.
-You could.
-No, no, like,
I actually couldn't.
I can't sell anything, ever.
-I'm sure that's not true.
-No. It is.
My very first job
was in the back
of a Mr. Frosty truck,
and I kept telling everyone
that they could get
better ice cream at Hagen-Dazs
around the corner.
Yet again, honest.
You remind me
of a young Gwyneth.
-She's half Jewish, you know.
-Really?
Mmm. What can I say?
The ultimate shiksa goddess
loves her challah.
-I also love challah.
-Who doesn't?
And listen, I know a good bet
when I see one.
Besides,
you'll be in the Hamptons
the entire summer.
Talk about relevant, hmm?
Okay.
Door next door,
apartment upstairs key
should work.
Door next door...
apartment
upstairs key should work.
Oh. Come on.
You can do this.
You can do this.
I'm Gwyneth. I am a Goop.
I'm a boss babe.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, Golda, uh, it's Ruby.
Really hope you remember me.
Um, okay. I think someone's
actually living
in the apartment upstairs,
so I wasn't sure if there's
another apartment
or what the story is,
- but I, I don't have a place
to stay out here.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
-Ruby. What's up?
-Noah, Noah. Hi. Hi. It's Ruby.
Please don't, don't hang up.
- It's an emergency.
- Um, hello?
Hello? Noah?
-Hello.
-Yeah, yeah, I can't-- Um, okay.
- I just got out east and I don't have...
- a place to stay.
You should not come
and stay here.
- Um...
- You should...
come and stay here.
-What?
-What?
I shou--
I should stay over. Really?
No, um, you should not come.
Do not come.
Do... come.
I should come over?
-No, uh, no!
-Noah.
Noah!
Ruby.
I love you.
I, I don't love you, Ruby.
I don't love you.
I do not love you.
- I do... love you.
- I love you!
Ruby. I do not love you.
- I... love you.
- Okay, okay. I love you so much.
So much love. Ah!
I love love! Okay!
I'll see you soon!
Ru-- Ru--
Seriously?
Oh, my God.
Ooh, my God.
Amazing.
- Catch me!
- No.
Oh, oh.
I'm so excited to see you.
Oh. What's up?
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah.
Um, just surprised
that you called
and that you're here...
at my house.
You told me I should come over.
Just now.
You said you loved me, and...
Mmm, no, I said
that you shouldn't come over,
and that I don't love you.
Rube. Ruby cube, come on.
I wanna be clear.
Yeah, please! Be fucking clear!
Because apparently,
you weren't clear
when I sucked your dick
for two and a half years.
Hardly any breaks
to completion with feeling!
-I thought you liked it.
-No one fucking likes it.
I'm in a tough spot. Okay?
Can I just stay here for,
like, a few days?
-Even a "a" day?
-My dad's dying.
What?
Oh, my God, I had no idea.
Yeah, and I wanna be alone
right now. I'm sure
you can understand that.
Oh, my God. Of course. No.
Take all the time you need.
Like, don't even, don't even
think about me, obviously.
I mean...
You know,
you can think about me a little.
Like, I don't want you
to totally forget about me
in my time of need.
- Bad Ruby, bad Ruby.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make it
about myself again. Okay?
There's no pressure
for anything, ever.
Great.
Thanks, Ruby cube.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, and also, um,
the alarm goes off
if there's a stranger
in the doorway for too long.
So you got, like,
30 seconds to vamoose.
- Hey!
- Shot?
Yeah, I'd love that. Thanks.
Okay. That's good.
Hey!
So then...
- he tells me he's not
a relationship guy.
-Yeah.
-What an asshole.
Where's the trust?
The commitment?
-I'm married to my girl,
33 years.
-Twenty-five.
Oh, my God. See, this is what
I'm talking about.
Where did the, the cowboys gone?
-You know?
-I'm trying to tell you, girl.
-So, Ruby,
where are you gonna stay?
-I don't know.
I'm just gonna
look for an Airbnb.
-Oh.
-No, no, no.
What?
-Mm-mmm.
-Call this guy.
-Okay.
-Just lost his renter.
He's a little out there,
but nice guy.
-Safe?
-Yeah.
Leave the U-Haul here, Ruby.
One of these guys
will give you a ride.
We got you, girl.
Now you're gonna be driving,
so you can't drink that.
-Uh, no.
You're gonna be driving.
-No. You're driving. Not me.
- No.
- -I'm not driving that thing.
Highways.
I don't know. Crazy.
Now that's the attitude
I wanna hear.
-Oh. Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Okay. Woah!
Watch your step.
Thank you so much, I love you.
I will call you tomorrow. Muah!
Bye.
-Hey. Are you the pizza?
-Hi.
No, I'm, I'm, I'm renting
the room, actually.
Uh...
right.
Right. I also ordered pizza.
That's why it's so weird
you rang.
We spoke, like,
ten minutes ago on the phone.
Who can tell these days?
-What?
-Anyway, come on in, roomie.
Thanks.
Welcome to my little bungalow.
And you take your shoes off.
I like to keep it neat and tidy.
- Sure.
- -Like, honestly, people say I'm a neat freak.
-I'm super anal about it.
-Yeah, it looks like it.
Oh. Let me show you
your home away from home.
Here you are.
I know you ladies get cold,
so I gave you an extra blanket.
Those are towels.
Is there a shower?
Duh, girl.
Check it out.
Oh. Sorry, dudette.
Let me get this out of your way.
I can't believe I even had
this much stuff in there.
-It's crazy, am I right?
-Yeah. Totally nuts. So...
Well, it looks like
you're good to go.
What do you do
during the day time?
I usually hang around here
during the wakey-wakey hours,
-so you're welcome
to hang if you want.
-Oh, thanks.
Um, I'm actually opening up
a consignment store in town,
so I'll be pretty busy.
You're joking.
Have I got something for you.
-It's an antique photo album.
-Oh, wow.
John, is this your
high school yearbook?
-Yeah, it's vintage.
-Yeah. I can't take that.
Oh.
But hey.
I guess I can try, right?
Best roomie ever. Oh, God.
Oh, man,
I was so focused on the pizza,
I totally forgot
to tell you about rent.
Oh, yeah. How much do I owe you?
It's $150 a night,
plus $2,000 security deposit.
Cash only. No check.
Ooh.
Well...
Oh, my God.
Oh, you came to life.
Oh, my God.
I did, like,
40-something years ago.
Sorry.
No. Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Elijah,
your upstairs neighbor.
Yeah, I've heard you.
I, I've heard of you.
It's, uh, it's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
Wow.
This, this place is amazing.
- Oh, no. There's so much work.
- Sorry. Excuse me.
Um, do you carry
children's clothes
or just clothes for people
who are old enough
to regret their life choices?
Oh, yeah. Just clothes
for people
who still regret
their life choices.
- Yeah. Sorry.
- Izzy?
Elliot.
- Elijah. No.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I-- Single-mom brain.
I can't remember
my own name sometimes.
Oh, God, it's been ages.
- Yeah.
-We should grab a coffee sometime.
-No. You shouldn't.
-Oh, yeah, that would be great.
Great. Uh, oh,
call me at the store.
Okay? I got to run.
I am on the search
for some shorts
that will get my daughter
sent to the principal's office.
Bye.
Well, hey, if you ever want
to shop for yourself,
-you should come back, you know.
-Yeah, 2031. See you there.
Bye.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yeah. Excited to have you here.
I am. Yeah, definitely.
The store's been
empty for years.
Well, I'll just be upstairs
working if you need anything.
All right. Working.
-What?
-Nothing.
I'll see you later, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Pervert.
Ooh, winter wardrobe.
Boss lady CEO.
Oh, my God. John.
-What's up?
-I have something to consign.
No, I already told you.
I'm not taking items.
This is all from
one woman's closet.
No, no, you have to take it.
Is that a lollipop?
-Alec Baldwin sucked
on this lollipop.
-Oh, my God.
But I grabbed it
from the trash bin
as he threw it away.
This is invaluable.
No, John. No!
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah! Fuck!
Wow!
-Oh, they're really going at it.
-Tell me about it.
See you at home.
Fuck me!
That's insane.
Oh, yeah. Fuck!
Come on.
- You're not a real
real estate agent.
Oh, it's not just a normal van.
You have
so many step moms, Vince.
And five makes an orgy.
Oh. Hey, Joanna, hi.
-Elijah. Hi.
-Good to see you.
-Oh, my God.
-How have you been?
Oh, good. I mean,
you know, the usual,
PTA, book drive,
Costco, Little League.
How does she do it all?
Oh, yeah. Right.
-I'm sorry, I got, I got to go.
-Oh, but you're coming
to the potluck on Sunday,
though, right?
-What?
-I'm making Rice Krispie Treats.
Oh my God, please come.
You have to come.
I want you to come so bad.
Please say you'll come.
-Oh, God.
-Will you come?
I want you to come.
- I...
- You're coming.
You have to come. Please come.
You're coming. You're coming.
I will try to come.
Okay, great. All right.
We'll see you there. Bye!
Bye.
Jesus.
That sounds like being
a single parent is no joke.
-It really does.
-Yeah, talk about being
the hunter and the gatherer.
Exactly.
And gatherings' benefits suck.
There's no dental plan and...
-Yeah.
-it's ridiculous.
Um. So what do you do?
Ah, I am an editor.
Oh. For movies?
Yeah, yeah. Movies. Uh...
- Mostly one genre.
- That's so cool.
I just work
in boring landscaping.
Most exciting thing that's
ever happened in my job
is when Jurassic Park came out,
and everybody wanted
a velociraptor for a hedge.
But, uh, my kids bring
-all the drama into my life.
-Uh-huh?
-Too blessed
to be stressed, right?
-Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Um.
-Yeah.
-Is everything okay?
-Ooh, yeah, yeah.
-Totally fine. Totally fine.
-Oh.
"I'm too you blessed
to be stressed."
I don't know why I said that.
It's like
the most mom thing ever.
It is. It's very mom.
It is very mom thing.
But, uh, that's not it.
I just realized
I spilled some water, is all.
-That's all it is.
-Oh, I didn't even notice.
Yeah, 'cause I did it
in the car before I walked in,
and I just actually just
remembered that I did it,
-and I'm super allergic...
-To water?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh.
I gotta-- I should,
I should go clean up right away.
Oh, I got you.
I always have wipies in my bag.
Oh, no. No, Go-- Uh-huh,
I'm sure you do. That's awesome.
That is very good to have wipies
in case you're-- For your kids.
-Uh-huh. Special tissues?
-But I have special tissues.
Yeah, they're non-water-based
lotion in the tissue.
-And I got to-- I better do
this right away before...
-Oh, we just sat down.
Yeah, I know.
This has been so much fun.
Can we definitely
do this again sometime?
-Oh... Oh.
-I got to run out and I'm...
-Good-bye. Bye.
-Bye.
Hey, I got that chair you guys,
you, you were asking
about a chair earlier.
Do you remember that?
Shut up.
I'm so sorry about last week.
That was... weird.
I was weird.
I was weird, and I'm sorry.
-Did I say something wrong?
I mean, for you to
-No.
-God, no. Uh-huh.
-leave like that?
No. No, no, no, no.
I think you're great.
- I think you seem
pretty great, too.
Um, in a, in a weird way.
- But good weird, uh...
- Okay, I'll take it.
I just, I was a little confused.
Yeah. No, I get that.
Listen, I have heard it all.
I work in people's yards.
You would not believe the shit
people say when they don't think
the help is out there listening.
Okay. Were you in prison?
-What? No.
-DUI?
Uh... Well, not that I remember.
Another family you support
in Switzerland?
Holy shit.
How did you guess that?
But just for the chocolate.
Okay. Then what?
It's weird.
Oh, God. Uh, what is it?
No, no, it's not, it's not.
It's just that I, I--
Just say it.
- Just say it. Just say it.
- I... edit porn.
-What? I can't hear you.
-Hmm?
-What?
-Oh.
Uh... I edit porn.
Sorry. Could you just
speak up a little?
-Porn, porn. Porn, porn, porn.
-Oh.
-Wow.
-Porn. I edit porn. I edit porn,
and porn does not
turn me on at all.
Moms do.
Live, laugh, love.
Don't talk to me
till I've had my coffee.
Leaning in moms.
Um...
-I'm a mom.
-Oh, believe me, I know.
But obviously, the, the dream
was to be a feature film editor,
a-- and it just,
you know, how things go.
It just came onto my lap, and...
Well, that's not
how I wanna say it.
I'm just saying, you know, like,
it's great health insurance,
401K, you know,
and it's, it's not like people
who do this
become more normal over time,
you know.
I just--
It's not a...
Look, if you never wanna
see me again, I get it. 100%.
Nobody wants the guy
who got into the guild
for his work
on Must Love Dongs 4.
Can I watch?
Hey, Golda, uh, it's Ruby again.
Um, I've left you
a couple of voicemails.
I don't know if your machine
is wonky or something,
but the apartment upstairs
is definitely occupied by,
I don't know if it's, like,
a few couples or maybe
a couple of throuples,
or som-- whatever.
- It's hard to tell,
but please call me back.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call again.
This is a real doll chase.
It's like, come on, Kiki.
-Embarrassing.
-We know. We've been
to Chinatown, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Ruby?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God!
I'm opening this store actually.
You're joking.
She doesn't look
like she's joking.
Obviously, Allison.
It's so cute.
What are you selling?
Uh, vintage.
It's, like, all vintage.
'80s, '90s.
Oh, so, like,
used people's clothing?
Sort of.
It's a little more interesting
than that, actually.
Consignment. Fabulous.
So this whole space is yours?
-Yeah, it is.
-Wonderful. You need my help.
-I do? I mean, I do, but--
-You do.
I know everyone.
I will introduce you
to everyone.
- It's like, remember last night?
- Mm-hmm.
It was so special.
I have a Jamaican nanny.
She's been with me forever.
Forever.
And I was at Argento last night.
It's such a fun spot.
So fun, so spotty.
Anywho,
we had a Jamaican server.
It was so crazy.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
you have to meet my nanny."
Mm-hmm. She said that.
And so I got Nanny Sandy
over there.
They meet,
they totally connected,
and now they have, like,
such a beautiful community
together.
I almost cried.
Turns out, I think,
they may kind of, like,
hate each other now.
But it doesn't matter
'cause I did my part.
- You truly did.
- Anywho, long story short,
it's hard out here
if you're not from here.
So, since I'm a giver,
I'm going to be your Ham tonight
slash Palm Beach
slash Telluride tour guide.
I'll be in touch.
Kiss, kiss, kiss!
-Wow.
-It looks like
you're the new flavor.
Good luck.
Okay.
Oh. This is adorable.
- Thanks.
- Finally.
I've been telling Golda
for years
to get someone in here
to take over.
Wait,
how do you guys know Golda?
Oh, everybody's in everybody's
business out here.
Yeah, so I'm learning.
I'm Carl, this is Scott.
And who are you, beautiful?
I'm blushing. I'm Ruby.
Can I help you guys
find anything?
-Oh, we'll just poke around.
-Okay.
Wait. What is this?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
Those are by this local artist,
Arco. He's amazing.
-Good eye.
-Ooh, we'll take it.
-Oh, no.
I was just looking, babe.
-But it really suits you, babe.
-I, I don't need it.
-But I want you to have it.
No, seriously, I'm, I'm all set.
Do you have a gift box?
Let me look.
-For fuck's sake.
-Uh, give us a second.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What, did that ring kill
your father or something?
Stop buying me things.
-What?
-It's, like, every time
we walk into a store.
You buy me a glassblowing vase,
or a gold-embossed tie clip,
or a Faberge fucking trinket.
-Enough.
-Oh, no.
Your boyfriend likes
to buy you gifts.
How awful.
The struggle is real.
Let's go home. Okay?
I have that steak in the fridge,
and I don't want it
to over-marinate.
You said there was no such thing
as over-marinating.
-Shh.
-Well, I-- You said that.
So are you actually upset
because I buy you too much?
I'm not upset.
Sorry.
I must be reading your face,
voice, and body language wrong.
Seriously, how is treating
the man that I love a problem?
Oh. Oh. That's outstanding.
-Thank you.
-Mmm.
You know, I was going to buy us
tickets to Paris, but, uh...
I guess you wouldn't
wanna do that,
because it would be a "gift."
I would love to go to Paris.
It's, it's not that.
Then what is it?
I want to go back to work.
Work?
Is that a new club?
No. I want a job.
I want my own money.
I wanna be my own person.
You are.
You're my person.
Wow. Uh, there's a job
at Lunar Landscapes.
-Izzy told me. Why not?
-Absolutely not.
Because they do
our shrubbery, sweetie.
-So...?
-So when's the last time
you shrubbed?
I mean, why do menial work
when I make enough
for both of us?
Because I feel like a kept man.
And I'm, I'm more than that.
Enjoy your steak au poivre.
Oh, I will.
But begrudgingly.
Oh.
You're up early.
I have that job interview
at Lunar Landscapes.
To be a shrubber.
Why don't you just hop
in our backyard
and do our flowers?
I could save a couple
of grand on the gardeners.
I'll see you later.
Wait, did you make breakfast?
Uh, no. Did you?
I never make breakfast.
Oh, I never work.
See, we're both trying
new things.
Wh-- What am I supposed to eat?
I don't know, babe.
Just figure it out.
Bye.
Well,
if I were a breakfast...
...where would I be?
Nope.
Okay. I don't know
if this is such a good idea.
- Aren't you dating that bajillionaire?
- -Izzy, come on.
We've known each other
since we were, like,
in the womb.
Yeah. And you have
a totally different life now.
We are pruning
very different things.
Look, I am geared up,
and I'm ready to rumble.
So get this guy in the bushes
and let him chop, chop, chop.
Please. Just do it for him.
-Just, do it for me. Izzy.
-Okay, okay.
You know. I love you, but I...
I don't know.
Come on. I'm calling in
on that friend favor
that you owe me.
'Cause you remember
that time when I almost had to
bail you out of the--
Okay, okay. Fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
I will give you a trial. Okay?
Oh, God.
Thank you so much, Izzy.
-I love you, I love you,
I love you.
-Yeah. I love you, too.
Now get out of my office.
I just...
-...got here.
-Yeah. Now go.
Okay.
So, how was the interview?
It was fantastic.
Thanks for asking.
Did you get the job?
Do you care?
Am I not enough for you?
-Why would you even ask that?
-You're changing the rules.
The, the rules?
We had a rule book
when we started dating,
and now it feels, like,
you're in another game entirely.
We, we were playing hockey,
and now you're into
jai alai or whatever.
I just needed to know
that I could stand
on my own two feet.
That's all.
But if I can't provide for you,
why would you wanna
even be with me anyway?
Honey. No, no, no, no.
You, you provide for me
in so many ways.
You're my entire world.
That, that'll never,
ever change.
Did you eat?
Yeah, I'll...
-I'll go whip something up.
-Can I help?
Wait...
Really?
Really.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
- Ruby! Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Eden.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Okay, I know you said
that you could help me,
and I'm feeling
super overwhelmed.
-You are so vibes.
-Thank you.
I think
it's a good thing, right?
It's a whole mood.
Listen, let's go out tonight.
-Okay.
-I'll help you
help yourself, hmm? Hmm.
Oh. Sorry.
-I'm going to use your bathroom.
-Oh, sure, it's right--
I'm going to take a shit,
and I won't use an air spritz.
Oh, there's actually
a spray back there.
-You can...
-Ruby.
Would a man mask his scent?
I think it probably depends
on the volume and the intensity.
The answer is no, Ruby.
No, they wouldn't.
You grab life by the sphincter,
and you just fucking do it.
Oh.
Rubicon.
Question I can't believe
I haven't asked you yet.
John.
I cannot consign human beings.
- What? This is my niece, Lucy.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry. Hi, Lucy.
Uncle J has told me
so much about you.
I just love you already!
And it's, like, we both have
the letter Y at the end
of our names.
Yeah.
Incredible.
John, are you crying?
What? No. I--
I just love
intergenerational connection.
- #inspired.
- Okay.
What did you wanna talk
to me about?
What? Duh.
Um, do you now or have you
ever had a ferret allergy?
-No.
-Because we just met
a guy outside.
He can get it for us at cost.
Oh. No, no, no.
I'm also not consigning rodents.
-Wait. Ferrets are mustelids.
-Just like otters or wolverines.
We're gonna
make you rich, Rubster.
Oh, I totes...
forgot to tell you.
Lucy's going to be staying
with us for a while.
I can't wait!
Ruby squared!
See you later. And I'm like,
I'm gonna kill myself.
So tell me
about your love life, Ruby.
Oh, well, there's not
that much to tell.
-I just broke it off
with this guy.
-Good.
Don't give him even a sip
of that kitty cat down under.
-My ex-husband scouted me
from the trading floor.
-Wow.
-Yeah
-Oh, my God, that's so cool.
He's still a dipshit, though.
Listen, take it from a bitch
who's been around the block.
-They're not worth it.
-Totally.
-Mm-hmm.
-I mean, I'm just, you know,
-I'm afraid I'll be, like,
alone forever or whatever, but--
-Get past it.
Get what you want.
-Want what you get.
-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.
-Totally.
The great Ranti Shanti
Shanti Lowenstein
- told me that on our pilgrimage.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, that's so cool.
Where was the pilgrimage?
I mean,
if you have to ask, you know.
Oh, yeah. Totally sorry.
Mmm. You've got this, right?
Sure.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Lizzie. Oh, my God,
let's do lunch soon, okay?
Oh, thanks.
Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.
- Oh, that would look fabulous on you.
- -I know.
-Bitch.
I've got good news for you.
-What?
We're going to have the Boas
for Bora Bora event here.
-Ruby, you've earned it.
-Wow!
- I know! I know!
- Wow! Oh my God!
-Eden.
-Mm-hmm.
What an honor.
Well, I'm a little concerned
we're not big enough, though,
and that I maybe don't have
the, the capital
to throw a party.
-It sounds like a lot of cash.
-It's a total investment
in your future.
And I trust you completely.
-Really?
-I trust you completely.
Ta-ta for now. Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Oh. You have to pay
for the sunglasses.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Hello.
-Hi. I need some help.
-Yes, of course. How can I help?
Well, you know, I need something
that screams special.
-Mm-hmm.
-Unique.
-I am what's for dinner.
-Mmm.
I love that. Um, well,
nothing says unique
like vintage Gucci.
That's good, 'cause I have it.
Okay, okay.
Let me try harder. Ooh!
Oh, my gosh.
We just got in this amazing
Oscar de la Renta little tube.
Have it.
-Have that.
-I know.
What a closet.
Okay, I'll try harder.
Oh, wait a second,
wait a second.
This, this is something
like I'm looking.
This is fabulous.
Oh, well,
that's just a costume jewelry.
-It's 20 bucks.
-I'll give you $15.
-No, sorry. It's 20 bucks.
-Yeah.
No, I can give you $15.
I cannot pay a penny more.
I just can't.
-Okay. Yeah, $15 is fine.
-Oh, good.
No. Oh, wait. Sorry.
Let me wrap that up for you.
-Oh! No. Here,
I've got it for you right here.
-Please let me get you a box.
-No, no, no, no,
I don't need one. That's fine.
-Okay.
Bye. You know, it's great.
It's fabulous.
-It was very good to see you.
-You too.
-Have a great afternoon.
-Yes. Be well.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
Wait. Oh, Jesus.
Dan, no, I said I wanted
the white nectarines,
not the yellow peaches.
They look the same
at the supermarket.
Oh, no, no,
'cause they're not the same.
Because you don't pay attention
to things that I care about.
Right? So, they-- No, it's not.
It's like you bringing home
Katherine Heigl.
-And I said, Rachel McAdams.
-You sound like an asshole.
You know, at least I know
where mine is.
-It was one time!
-It was not one--
Damn it. Let it go! What is--?
Hi, honey.
We didn't
hear you come in.
Did you eat? Do you want me
to make you something?
I ate at Ollie's.
I'm gonna go up to my room.
Well, she's always at Ollie's.
I never know what' going on.
You go. Oh, fine.
See, I know where
your asshole is, though.
Why is it
so hot in here? It's...
-It's because you're
premenopausal.
-Oh.
Just, I mean,
we could just open something.
Could open a window.
Well...
Do you hate me?
What?
Do you hate me?
I mean, uh,
should we even try anymore?
I will not go
to that therapist again.
Well, I...
I wanna try if...
...you want to.
I don't hate you.
I do wanna try, but I don't know
what you want anymore.
I...
I was at Argento earlier
with Carol,
and she said...
She had an idea about something
that really helped her marriage.
And?
Well she said there are these...
...these swingers set ups...
...were somewhat helpful.
Carol, who's married
to monotone Mark?
I know. It's crazy.
Well, how exactly does it work?
Well, they-- Um...
I think there's an agency,
and they match you up
with people
that might match your interests.
So you call them up,
you put in, like, your thing?
It's like, "Hey,
I like to do things,"
and they just-- And they
chill with other people...
-They go through the Rolodex.
-...who do those things.
So you thought about this?
Well, I--
Oh, I, I, I just thought...
I don't know.
I'd like to see.
So there's an agency?
Monotone Mark.
Sweet dreams.
It's still hot in here.
Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea. I don't...
Yeah, maybe we should, uh...
Oh.
Hi.
Well...
They look eager.
Oh. Okay.
- Yes. Yeah.
- Oh, well, you seem--
I, I-- It's just we,
we just started.
We, we didn't know
what to expect.
-No, it's--
We didn't know either.
-Okay.
But I, I, I have to say,
I, I don't know.
You guys are really great.
-Oh.
-Really great.
That's nice.
Here's to whatever
this
is.
- That's great.
- That's good.
-You can do it.
-Mmm, yeah, yeah.
-You can hear me, right?
-It is good, it is...
So, uh...
...should we...?
-Well, we brought--
-We brought some reinforcements.
- Make you feel more comfortable.
- Oh.
Here she goes.
When was the last time
you smoked a doobie?
Oh.
-Wow.
-Mmm.
Gosh.
-A doobie.
-It is.
- To us!
- To us.
Well, that was just amazing.
I feel like I have
a totally different perspective
on marriage.
Me too. I, I can't wait
to see them again.
Should we host next time
or get a hotel or...
I want a divorce.
Hey there.
Let me know if you need
help finding anything.
-I'm just looking. Thank you.
-Sure.
-Oh, my God, isn't that amazing?
Can I start you a fitting room?
-Uh, sure.
Great. Oh, keep looking.
There's, like,
so much cute stuff.
-Um, I think I'm gonna pass.
-Oh, bummer.
But, you know, come back.
We got new stuff in
literally all the time.
So, you know,
whenever you have time.
-Yeah, cool.
-Cool. We'll see you soon. Bye.
Oh, fuck!
Stop! Thief!
Oh, my God, my boobs.
Oh, I love what you're wearing.
Thanks. It's vintage.
La Perla-esque with a semi-sheer
bra and panty set
from Florida Mall.
Oh, right there. Oh! Yes!
-Paige.
-Yes!
-Paige, I'm not--
-Yes!
-I'm not touching you.
-Yes!
Oh, that doesn't matter.
Um, it's what the girls
are supposed to do.
You have to really show
that you like it.
-It's all over Pornhub.
-Oh.
Cool. Okay.
Am I doing it right?
Um, yeah, but, um,
you have to make it
kind of gruntier
and louder before you put it in.
Oh, yes!
-Oh!
-Paige, should I put it in?
Um, Oh, yes! Daddy!
Yes, I want you. Oh, my God!
-Put in your big cock.
-Oh.
- Oh!
- Okay.
-Ow.
-Are you okay? Is this okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Keep going.
It's, um, it's supposed to hurt.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, my God! Yes!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna come.
I mean, I'm gonna squirt, um...
-Wait, what?
-I'm squirting.
What's squirt?
What are you squirting?
- Yeah.
- Down the-- Do-- Down there?
Yeah. You were just in
so deep, Daddy, that, um...
-That, um...
-Paige.
-I just...
-I--
-I wanna stop.
-Wait.
-What?
-I--
I don't know
what you're doing, and...
this, this feels weird.
W-- Was I not loud enough?
I was practicing earlier.
I thought this was
how it was supposed to sound.
What? Why were you practicing?
Um, because, I don't know,
um, because I...
I felt that if I was bad at sex
that you would break up with me.
So I watched
all this stuff online, and...
I thought guys really liked it
when girls screamed and stuff.
Why would I break up with you?
Mmm?
You're my girlfriend.
Which means we're probably gonna
love each other forever.
Holy shit!
This costs $400?
Did your mom
actually buy this for you?
Not really.
I kind of borrowed it.
From who?
Ollie.
-Um.
-Paige. What is going on?
Hey, mom. I didn't know
you're gonna be home so early.
-Hey, Mrs. Shemanski.
-It's really no big--
-Oh, my God.
-We were just, uh...
-Yeah, it's okay, we were just--
-Paige. Go home. Now.
-What are you wearing?
-Oh, it's, uh,
it's vintage
La Perla-esque, and...
Okay, Ollie,
walk Paige to the door, please.
And then we're gonna talk
about your behavior.
Yeah, Mom. Sorry.
Will you please promise
not to tell anyone about this?
I feel really dumb.
My lips are sealed.
And by the way,
I think it's really sexy the way
you wear your normal jeans
and sneakers and stuff.
Ollie. Hi, it's Ruby.
Uh, I know we haven't spoken
in a really long time,
but I could really, really,
really use your catering skills,
um, out east this weekend.
I know you have
a house out here,
so if you're out here,
please call me. Um...
- We're sorry,
the mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Jesus, does no one pick up
their phone anymore?
What is up?
Hey.
Uh, hi.
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Dad died
last week.
Oh, fuck.
I'm so sorry.
So he seemed better today. No?
Honestly?
Honestly.
He's dehydrated
and he's not eating as much.
It's not a good sign.
How much time do you think?
Days at most.
Listen, I might be overstepping,
but is there someone
you could call?
A girlfriend maybe?
Boyfriend?
No.
What about you?
No husband? Wife?
A weird throuple
you're not telling anyone about.
In my dreams.
Honestly same.
Come with me.
What, am I drinking alone?
So, um...
what do we do when he...
...you know, goes?
Well, we have to wait
for the coroner,
which can take anywhere from
two hours to six,
depending on how busy they are.
Well...
- So what do,
just wait here till it happens?
- Yep.
Well, I will, at least.
You can, by all means,
go to a hotel.
There's absolutely no pressure
if it's too much.
No. I'll wait.
You have a very unique job.
I make a living
by being with the dying.
It's a very circle-of-life
employment experience.
Yeah, my mom was a nurse.
Different, obviously, but...
She also loved it.
She passed when I was 15.
Are you hungry?
And voila !
The perfect compliment
to death and liquor.
Sorry.
Could you maybe
cut off the crusts?
That's how my mom
used to make them.
Oh, okay. Sure, no problem.
Thanks. And also,
if it's not too much trouble,
could you maybe see
if there's any mook?
Mook?
Sorry. I meant moo-- Milk. Milk.
Mook is how I used to say milk
when I was a kid.
-Oh. Mook.
-So embarrassed.
Don't be. Mook it is.
You're right.
-It's perfect.
-Yeah.
Stick, stick with me, kid.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can I say it's like
having a weird dream?
Uh... Okay.
I think it's time for bed.
You kind of remind me of my mom.
Yup. Super weird.
And I think you're
the most beautiful woman
that I've ever met
in my whole life.
Um...
Fuck!
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
Oh! That's dead weird.
-Forget I said that.
-It's okay, it's okay.
You're such
a good caretaker, Marie.
I really need that
in my life right now.
It's literally my job,
so no sweat, um...
I know this is
a really difficult time for you,
and I, I think we should
get you to bed.
Together?
-No, Noah! Not together.
-Snuggles?
-Absolutely not.
-Please, Marie!
Please.
My dad is going to die.
I need you right now,
Marie. Please!
Shh. Please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice ever!
-Okay. Wha-- What are you doing?
-Cuddles.
Cuddles, Marie!
- Jeez...
- Cuddles.
Okay. What about,
what about a story?
Do you want a story?
And they lived
happily ever after.
The end.
Okay, time for sleep.
Marie.
Could you give me Mr. Teddy?
He's on the nightstand.
Ruby.
You mean so much to me.
- I do?
- You do.
I know you've always
been there for me.
Noah.
I'm really sorry that you're
going through this, but...
Please, please.
Just hear me out.
I've been a real asshole.
Yeah. That's true.
But I'm proud of you, Ruby.
Running a store
and getting yourself out here.
It's no easy feat.
Thanks.
-You're having a party
this weekend?
-Yeah.
I'm hosting the Boas
for Bora Bora
annual kickoff party.
-Hence the boas.
-Yes, hence all the boas.
Let me help you.
-Really?
-Really.
Are you sure?
Okay.
What's the point
of the other ones?
I don't know, man.
I didn't make this shit up.
Uh, so.
-So?
-What are you wearing
this weekend?
Hmm. God, I don't know.
Okay, the party is Y2K themed.
-Oh, my God.
-So I guess
a lot of smaller items,
like this guy that I found.
You should put that on.
I can't.
You can.
-You can.
-No.
-No.
-You can. Come on.
Come on.
-Come on.
-Come on, Noah.
Stop.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I look like discount Spice Girl.
You spice up my life.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure.
Okay, here we go.
You look good.
-Ruby cube.
-Yes?
You know, you're one of my
favorite people, right?
Yes.
-That was...
-Missed you, Ruby cube.
Missed you.
I missed you, too.
Can I, can I help you
this weekend?
-Yes.
-Yeah?
Triple yes.
I'm yours.
Where do you winter?
There's no such thing
as wintering.
No. January's winter.
So these are some of my photos.
What did you shoot this on?
A camera.
Did someone say
Gwyneth is coming?
Someone always says
Gwyneth is coming.
Oh, I am so sick
of these phony parties.
Seriously, it's so desperate.
Cute store though.
So then, I say to Gwennie,
Gwennie bear,
"If I use your vagina candle
one more time,
you're gonna have to blow me."
Refill! I know right?
She loved it.
She just fell about laughing.
Oh, my God, she thinks
I'm the funniest thing.
-Hey, Eden, um,
can I talk to you?
-Oh. Hi, Ruby cube.
-I didn't see you there.
I'm a little busy.
-Oh, actually it's important.
Um, sorry, my ladies,
you know hostessing duties.
Hey. Is anybody coming to help?
'Cause I kind of feel like
all I'm doing is
-passing out appetizers--
-Hors d'oeuvres.
-Hors d'oeuvres.
-Right.
But I feel like
all I'm doing is working.
Darling. Oh, come on,
you need to pay your dues.
Everyone goes through this.
Trust me.
Your time will come.
This is how you get
into the Hamptons.
Come on. Trust your mama mentor.
Yeah, but I can't really
have spent all this money--
Hang in there.
I hear Gwyneth might come, too.
We're besties. I'll intro you.
-Really?
-Oh, come on.
From one boss bitch to another.
Oh, my God, Raphael!
You made it!
So are these
dead people's clothes?
I don't think they're all dead.
I love it. Do it again.
Come here you.
Oh, my God! Ruby! Hi!
This, this party was so special.
Sorry. I thought, um--
She said people had gone,
and I thought--
You thought!
What the fuck, Noah?
You thought I was gonna leave
my own store
- with feather fucking boas everywhere?
- -Uh...
Technically,
we're both owners now.
-What?
-I mean, it's obvious
that I'm the reason
you're successful here.
Golda's been trying to pawn
this puppy off for years.
-You know Golda?
-Everyone knows Golda.
She's a kook.
Noah, honey, a little help here.
But I called her and we talked,
and I'm in charge now.
Eden can really help
you out, Ruby. I mean...
She's just got such an amazing--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
So you're stealing my job
and my boyfriend.
Is this for fucking real?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no. Sweet, sweet Ruby.
You can still totally work here.
But for this guy over here.
Honey, he just needs
a little TLC.
She's just
so emotionally nurturing.
I really need that
right now, Ruby.
I mean, you know,
death is just so hard.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Oh, please clean in the morning.
Love you, Mina. Bye.
Come here you.
Hi, guys, um...
It's me. Um...
I think I made a mistake
by coming here,
and I'm really struggling.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
I get it!
No one ever fucking picks up
their phone ever!
Fuck you!
Yeah, well, it's always
yell o'clock somewhere, right?
God.
Oh, I'm getting out of here.
My life is a mess.
The store is a mess.
I don't even know
why I came here to begin with.
I hear ya.
You wanna pickle, though?
Thanks. I'm good.
Listen. Boss lady. Mama bear.
Big cheese-moving,
honeypot-stirring, thirst-trap
power player.
I will say this.
There are crunchy pickles
and there are soggy pickles.
You're a cruncher.
Take that as you will.
There's literally no way
to take that.
You know, Uncle J has had
tons of wannabe boss ladies
move in here, but none
of them have stuck it out.
Except for you.
You're Jeff Bezos,
but with hair,
and you're not a sociopath.
And if you are,
you're really good at hiding it.
Thank you.
Shit happens.
You just got to move forward.
Be a crunchy dill.
Be a crunchy dill.
Hello.
Golda! Hi, it's Ruby.
I've been trying
to reach you for literally ages.
Sorry. Phone was disconnected.
So many voicemails.
Probably from me. Uh...
Okay, I wanted to talk to you
about the store, and the...
Mm-hmm. So, yeah,
there's also no apartment.
Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot.
I gave it to my nephew.
Were you gonna
tell me about that?
You seem
like a resourceful girl.
Right. Okay, well,
there's a woman named Eden,
and she's trying to
take over the store.
I don't know any Eden.
I know you.
The store is yours to do
whatever you'd like with.
- It's your time to shine,
Ruby cube.
-Bye.
-No, Golda. Oh.
No.
Ruby!
Oh, my God,
what is going on?
The place looks like shit.
Let's get moving,
my eager beaver.
Eden, the store...
does not belong to you.
Noah! Get the fuck out!
Technically, it does.
I'm part owner.
No, you're not.
I worked my ass off,
and then you two decided
to waltz the fuck in,
and try to take over.
- I'm thinking a curated art exhibit next.
- -Mmm.
What do you think,
honey bear, huh?
Whatever you think, mama mentor.
Yeah, huh. Mmm.
Oh, my God, Jesus.
Now, look, here's the T, Ruby.
You either let me do what I want
or I ruin you.
No one will ever shop here.
And you will never, ever be me
or the next Gwyneth,
for that matter.
-What's up, guys?
-Hey, John.
Candi?
What? No, my name's not Candi.
It's Eden.
It's so nice to meet you.
No, it's not.
It's Candi with an "I."
-Class of '98.
-That's not me.
I, I went to boarding school
in the Alps.
Fuck off, Candi.
Our dads raised a state fair
winning pig together.
Lyle, Lyle, pig-odile.
Rube, you have
that yearbook I gave you?
-I knew this was valuable.
-Oh, shut up.
Yep. Here she is.
That doesn't even look like me.
- It does.
- It doesn't!
- It does.
- It does not!
-It definitely does.
-Fuck.
Fine. Maybe it is me.
And maybe I am
a remorseless bitch, but...
come on, you can't tell anyone.
You're better than that.
Besides, if I have to face
consequences for my actions,
I'll never learn.
Well, it seems we're in just
a little bit of a pickle,
Candi.
What are you gonna do?
-I'm not gonna do anything.
-Really?
Yes, but you will leave
my store now,
and never come back.
But where am I supposed to host
all of my events, my parties?
I don't care anywhere
that will have you.
Just not here.
-Let's go, Noah.
-Yeah, um...
Sorry, I'm kind of into women
that are self-sufficient.
I mean, you're not even
like a cool older woman.
You're like a lame older woman.
Ugh. Noah.
-Get out!
-What?
I thought we could,
you know, talk again.
Both of you. Now!
Noah bear.
Noah bear.
If you're ever in the market
for a new mentor, call me.
I'm actually a lawyer, a doctor,
and a forensic anthropologist.
Is that a thing?
It is in the Hamptons.
That was epic!
You queen of the universe.
John, I'm not the queen
of the universe.
But thank you for your help.
No problemo.
Yeah, we've got
a mess to clean up.
Yeah.
I'm gonna call the guys.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Hey!
Ho!
Yeah!
The girl who stole the La Perla.
I'm Paige.
-Hi, Paige.
-Here is all of your stuff back.
-Oh.
-Don't worry, I washed it all.
-Thank you.
-We would love to
help you clean up.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks. I'll take it.
Are you guys...
Are you guys
boyfriend-girlfriend?
We're soul mates.
Must be nice.
I believe in you.
...surprise you with
salsa dancing. It's the music...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, hey, look at this.
-Hi, guys.
-It looks so good.
-Are you guys together?
-Yes.
-Oh.
-I wish we could stay,
but we actually have to go
to a PTA meeting.
Bye.
Lovebirds.
Look, who's
the bonafide boss babe now.
-Hit me.
-Hit you.
So, weird question.
No ferrets, John.
Different type
of weird question.
Want to go out sometime?
I think I'm good...
for now.
All right. See you at the house.
Trailer.
Oh, yeah.
Seriously?
-So where do you summer?
-Where do I summer?
Usually at the Hamptons, yeah.
-Oh.
-The Hamptons.
Fabulous. Where?
You know,
it just changes all the time.
I just keep kind of
hip hopping around.
Oh, totally. The housing market
is ridiculous.
Insanity.
Absurd.
I'm in SAG.
-Same.
-Oh? We'll lunch.
Oh, fuck off.
Alison, you haven't eaten
since '09.
Oh my God, stop it!
I'm blushing, you bitch!
Family.
Sisters.
What do you do?
Excuse me, miss?
I ordered a drink
20 minutes ago.
I'm sorry. You must be mistaken.
-I don't work here.
-No, I ordered it from you.
Uh, no. Definitely not.
Enjoy the party though.
So weird. I must have, like,
a twin or something.
Anyway, um,
I'm an entrepreneurship kind of.
What do you guys do?
Finance.
They call me the Golden Clit.
They can look,
but they can't touch.
Oh, oh, oh.
And she throws
this incredible event
every year.
- Stop! I hate you,
but I love you.
If you ladies will excuse me,
I have tonight's speech
to prepare for.
Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Oh, yeah. She is #superwoman.
Rumor has it that Gwyneth
tapped her to be
the next CEO of Goop.
- You're joking.
- She's not.
I'm not.
Anyway,
Eden's the best person to know
if you ever wanna get ahead.
Where have you been?
-I was helping with the guests.
-Bullshit!
You were schmoozing,
and I explicitly forbid
schmoozing.
Didn't you see the sign?
No, the other sign!
Look, when I gave you this job,
I told you there was
one thing I expected.
What do we want?
- Excellence.
- And when do we want it?
- Always.
- Always.
But no, I was not schmoozing,
I was networking.
The more people we know,
the more people we can serve.
-Well, fired immediately.
-But--
No, I don't pay you to network
or schmooze or complain.
I pay you to plate
and pass puffs. Out!
No, now. Go.
Are you eating the custard?
Spit that out.
Put that back in the cup.
We could still use that.
Oh my God. Animals.
Ladies, gentlemen.
As the city winds down
and Long Island heats up,
I wanna thank all of you
for donating your energy, time,
and resources
to Boas for Bora Bora.
We know how each and every one
of these young local girls needs
- a feathery, sparkly pink boa
to make her feel her best.
Cheers to you for making
this dream come to life.
Bora is just the beginning.
And bring on the summer!
No.
No, no, no, no, no don't call.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Bad Ruby.
It's just a phone call.
Just let him know
I'm thinking about him.
Hey. Uh, it's me.
Um...
I know our last conversation
was kind of strange,
so I just want to check in.
Um...
see how you're doing and everything.
- So... give me a callback,
I guess.
We're sorry,
the mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Should have just rubbed one out.
Come on, girls, help me out.
What am I supposed to do next?
- Ew, Dad.
- Gary!
What? It's fine.
Your ancestors died
so we could have cereal.
What are you talking about?
Ruby, what are your plans
for the summer?
Ooh, are you gonna get
a real job?
Are you moving in with Noah?
Are you moving
out of this house?
No, it's Noah.
You can't be a cater waiter
for the rest of your life.
You know, it's just we haven't
heard his name lately,
he hasn't been around.
I told you you need to take that
economics course in college.
-Now it's too late.
-Is there trouble in Paradise?
Oh, my God, you guys!
I got fired from my job,
and Noah dumped me, okay?
And no, I don't have
another fucking job, Dad.
And I don't have
another boyfriend, Mom.
Oh, my God.
Oh my God, I'm nauseous.
You see what you're doing
to your mother?
Listen.
It'll be okay, Booby.
Thanks, Dad.
Your possibilities are endless.
- Do you really think so?
- Yeah.
-Now you can get a real job.
-What?
- Dad!
- -Ruby, listen to your mother.
You're gonna go to shul.
Do not roll your eyes at me.
You go to shul
and you pray to God
to bring you
a nice Jewish doctor.
-Or better yet,
an orthopedic surgeon.
-Ooh.
-I mean,
how many bones are in the body?
-All of them.
-I mean, they work constantly.
-Yes.
Oh, no DOs.
They're not real doctors
-They're not.
-And do not date a chiropractor.
What, do they go
to college for, six months?
- A correspondence course.
- And with your neck.
- Oh, my God,
it still doesn't move an inch.
I can't believe
that happened to you.
Where are you going?
- Ruby.
- Sweetheart.
We're trying to help you.
- Sweetie, we love you.
- -We just want you to be happy.
Oh, Gary, I, I'm so nauseous.
-Here.
-No with the peanut butter.
-It helps.
-It's 24 hours a day
with the goddamn peanut butter!
-It helps me.
-It's an illness!
-Lovely day, isn't it?
-What?
Just saying it's a nice day.
Beautiful.
Time for tea, I think.
Oh, let me help you.
-Here, grab a wing.
-Oh. Thank you, dear.
Bye.
- Hello.
- Hi. Oh, my God,
it's so good to hear your voice.
Ruby, I thought I made it clear
that I need space.
Right. Well...
...uh, do you know
when you think
you'll stop needing that space?
I shouldn't have
answered the phone.
But you did.
And it's for sure, you know.
And can I just say, how often
is it that you meet another Jew
who you actually want to date?
You know, instead of fantasizing
about dating the hot blond guy
or the hot Muslim guy
or the hot Greek guy
from the deli.
This is probably
too much information,
but I see the way
you look at the blonde,
leggy, waspy girl in yoga.
So I know we're
on the same page.
I just feel like we're meant
to be together, you know?
No, no. We're not.
Not right now, at least.
You can't take care of
yourself. And I don't have
the bandwidth
to do that for you right now.
Okay?
Okay, you're 30, and you've had,
like, 15 careers.
So? Most people have one career.
Two if they're lucky.
I am a boss bitch.
I just haven't figured out
what I'm supposed to be
bossing yet.
Look, that's,
that's great, Ruby.
Go find it,
um, on your own.
Listen, I got to go.
I am out east, and
- Dad'll be up soon,
so good luck.
Bye.
-Probably you just should have
rubbed one out.
-Oh, my God.
-Did you just eavesdrop
on my conversation?
-On my hobble home,
I realized I never got
your name, so I came back,
-and when I did--
-You stood there and listened?
-Exactly.
-Okay, well, that's very weird.
-Mmm.
-But also, I get it.
I had a terrible boyfriend, too.
-Epstein's lawyer. Hmm.
-Was your boyfriend?
Well,
we recently broke up.
Lawyers have a thing
for older women.
Dear, don't think twice
about that pisher.
He's... He's not a pisher.
Well, he kind of is.
But... he also kind of isn't.
-And anyway,
it's not any of your business.
-Hmm.
I also lost my fucking job. God.
And I'm sitting here
on a park bench
talking to a stranger.
And frankly,
you seem a little...
Meshuggener?
Kind of.
My name is Golda.
Hi, Golda, I'm Ruby.
It's bashert we met.
I knew it the minute I saw you.
Come to my home.
What?
I don't know you.
You're probably a serial killer.
Would a serial killer admit
she was a serial killer?
-No.
-Then I'm a serial killer.
Come on,
I wanna show you something.
Wow, Golda,
this place is beautiful.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, watch out
for the kitty cats.
Do you know I've been
sitting on that bench
the better part of 30 years?
Not once has anyone
said hello to me.
Yep. Not till you, Bubala.
Here it is.
Wow.
You see anything you like?
Yes.
Honestly, this was the most fun
I've had in a really long time.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
I haven't gotten a chance
to show that stuff off in ages,
and you have a good eye.
What do you
want to do with that?
I don't know.
I'm just trying
to be relevant, you know?
Is that too much?
Never. It was honest.
I've been looking
for someone like you.
-You have?
-Mmm.
I have a storefront
in Southampton
called Magic Closet.
Haven't been there in ages.
Why don't you go run it for me?
Seriously?
God, you're like
a fairy godmother.
That is so nice of you to offer,
but I couldn't.
-You could.
-No, no, like,
I actually couldn't.
I can't sell anything, ever.
-I'm sure that's not true.
-No. It is.
My very first job
was in the back
of a Mr. Frosty truck,
and I kept telling everyone
that they could get
better ice cream at Hagen-Dazs
around the corner.
Yet again, honest.
You remind me
of a young Gwyneth.
-She's half Jewish, you know.
-Really?
Mmm. What can I say?
The ultimate shiksa goddess
loves her challah.
-I also love challah.
-Who doesn't?
And listen, I know a good bet
when I see one.
Besides,
you'll be in the Hamptons
the entire summer.
Talk about relevant, hmm?
Okay.
Door next door,
apartment upstairs key
should work.
Door next door...
apartment
upstairs key should work.
Oh. Come on.
You can do this.
You can do this.
I'm Gwyneth. I am a Goop.
I'm a boss babe.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, Golda, uh, it's Ruby.
Really hope you remember me.
Um, okay. I think someone's
actually living
in the apartment upstairs,
so I wasn't sure if there's
another apartment
or what the story is,
- but I, I don't have a place
to stay out here.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
-Ruby. What's up?
-Noah, Noah. Hi. Hi. It's Ruby.
Please don't, don't hang up.
- It's an emergency.
- Um, hello?
Hello? Noah?
-Hello.
-Yeah, yeah, I can't-- Um, okay.
- I just got out east and I don't have...
- a place to stay.
You should not come
and stay here.
- Um...
- You should...
come and stay here.
-What?
-What?
I shou--
I should stay over. Really?
No, um, you should not come.
Do not come.
Do... come.
I should come over?
-No, uh, no!
-Noah.
Noah!
Ruby.
I love you.
I, I don't love you, Ruby.
I don't love you.
I do not love you.
- I do... love you.
- I love you!
Ruby. I do not love you.
- I... love you.
- Okay, okay. I love you so much.
So much love. Ah!
I love love! Okay!
I'll see you soon!
Ru-- Ru--
Seriously?
Oh, my God.
Ooh, my God.
Amazing.
- Catch me!
- No.
Oh, oh.
I'm so excited to see you.
Oh. What's up?
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah.
Um, just surprised
that you called
and that you're here...
at my house.
You told me I should come over.
Just now.
You said you loved me, and...
Mmm, no, I said
that you shouldn't come over,
and that I don't love you.
Rube. Ruby cube, come on.
I wanna be clear.
Yeah, please! Be fucking clear!
Because apparently,
you weren't clear
when I sucked your dick
for two and a half years.
Hardly any breaks
to completion with feeling!
-I thought you liked it.
-No one fucking likes it.
I'm in a tough spot. Okay?
Can I just stay here for,
like, a few days?
-Even a "a" day?
-My dad's dying.
What?
Oh, my God, I had no idea.
Yeah, and I wanna be alone
right now. I'm sure
you can understand that.
Oh, my God. Of course. No.
Take all the time you need.
Like, don't even, don't even
think about me, obviously.
I mean...
You know,
you can think about me a little.
Like, I don't want you
to totally forget about me
in my time of need.
- Bad Ruby, bad Ruby.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make it
about myself again. Okay?
There's no pressure
for anything, ever.
Great.
Thanks, Ruby cube.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, and also, um,
the alarm goes off
if there's a stranger
in the doorway for too long.
So you got, like,
30 seconds to vamoose.
- Hey!
- Shot?
Yeah, I'd love that. Thanks.
Okay. That's good.
Hey!
So then...
- he tells me he's not
a relationship guy.
-Yeah.
-What an asshole.
Where's the trust?
The commitment?
-I'm married to my girl,
33 years.
-Twenty-five.
Oh, my God. See, this is what
I'm talking about.
Where did the, the cowboys gone?
-You know?
-I'm trying to tell you, girl.
-So, Ruby,
where are you gonna stay?
-I don't know.
I'm just gonna
look for an Airbnb.
-Oh.
-No, no, no.
What?
-Mm-mmm.
-Call this guy.
-Okay.
-Just lost his renter.
He's a little out there,
but nice guy.
-Safe?
-Yeah.
Leave the U-Haul here, Ruby.
One of these guys
will give you a ride.
We got you, girl.
Now you're gonna be driving,
so you can't drink that.
-Uh, no.
You're gonna be driving.
-No. You're driving. Not me.
- No.
- -I'm not driving that thing.
Highways.
I don't know. Crazy.
Now that's the attitude
I wanna hear.
-Oh. Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Okay. Woah!
Watch your step.
Thank you so much, I love you.
I will call you tomorrow. Muah!
Bye.
-Hey. Are you the pizza?
-Hi.
No, I'm, I'm, I'm renting
the room, actually.
Uh...
right.
Right. I also ordered pizza.
That's why it's so weird
you rang.
We spoke, like,
ten minutes ago on the phone.
Who can tell these days?
-What?
-Anyway, come on in, roomie.
Thanks.
Welcome to my little bungalow.
And you take your shoes off.
I like to keep it neat and tidy.
- Sure.
- -Like, honestly, people say I'm a neat freak.
-I'm super anal about it.
-Yeah, it looks like it.
Oh. Let me show you
your home away from home.
Here you are.
I know you ladies get cold,
so I gave you an extra blanket.
Those are towels.
Is there a shower?
Duh, girl.
Check it out.
Oh. Sorry, dudette.
Let me get this out of your way.
I can't believe I even had
this much stuff in there.
-It's crazy, am I right?
-Yeah. Totally nuts. So...
Well, it looks like
you're good to go.
What do you do
during the day time?
I usually hang around here
during the wakey-wakey hours,
-so you're welcome
to hang if you want.
-Oh, thanks.
Um, I'm actually opening up
a consignment store in town,
so I'll be pretty busy.
You're joking.
Have I got something for you.
-It's an antique photo album.
-Oh, wow.
John, is this your
high school yearbook?
-Yeah, it's vintage.
-Yeah. I can't take that.
Oh.
But hey.
I guess I can try, right?
Best roomie ever. Oh, God.
Oh, man,
I was so focused on the pizza,
I totally forgot
to tell you about rent.
Oh, yeah. How much do I owe you?
It's $150 a night,
plus $2,000 security deposit.
Cash only. No check.
Ooh.
Well...
Oh, my God.
Oh, you came to life.
Oh, my God.
I did, like,
40-something years ago.
Sorry.
No. Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Elijah,
your upstairs neighbor.
Yeah, I've heard you.
I, I've heard of you.
It's, uh, it's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
Wow.
This, this place is amazing.
- Oh, no. There's so much work.
- Sorry. Excuse me.
Um, do you carry
children's clothes
or just clothes for people
who are old enough
to regret their life choices?
Oh, yeah. Just clothes
for people
who still regret
their life choices.
- Yeah. Sorry.
- Izzy?
Elliot.
- Elijah. No.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I-- Single-mom brain.
I can't remember
my own name sometimes.
Oh, God, it's been ages.
- Yeah.
-We should grab a coffee sometime.
-No. You shouldn't.
-Oh, yeah, that would be great.
Great. Uh, oh,
call me at the store.
Okay? I got to run.
I am on the search
for some shorts
that will get my daughter
sent to the principal's office.
Bye.
Well, hey, if you ever want
to shop for yourself,
-you should come back, you know.
-Yeah, 2031. See you there.
Bye.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yeah. Excited to have you here.
I am. Yeah, definitely.
The store's been
empty for years.
Well, I'll just be upstairs
working if you need anything.
All right. Working.
-What?
-Nothing.
I'll see you later, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Pervert.
Ooh, winter wardrobe.
Boss lady CEO.
Oh, my God. John.
-What's up?
-I have something to consign.
No, I already told you.
I'm not taking items.
This is all from
one woman's closet.
No, no, you have to take it.
Is that a lollipop?
-Alec Baldwin sucked
on this lollipop.
-Oh, my God.
But I grabbed it
from the trash bin
as he threw it away.
This is invaluable.
No, John. No!
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah! Fuck!
Wow!
-Oh, they're really going at it.
-Tell me about it.
See you at home.
Fuck me!
That's insane.
Oh, yeah. Fuck!
Come on.
- You're not a real
real estate agent.
Oh, it's not just a normal van.
You have
so many step moms, Vince.
And five makes an orgy.
Oh. Hey, Joanna, hi.
-Elijah. Hi.
-Good to see you.
-Oh, my God.
-How have you been?
Oh, good. I mean,
you know, the usual,
PTA, book drive,
Costco, Little League.
How does she do it all?
Oh, yeah. Right.
-I'm sorry, I got, I got to go.
-Oh, but you're coming
to the potluck on Sunday,
though, right?
-What?
-I'm making Rice Krispie Treats.
Oh my God, please come.
You have to come.
I want you to come so bad.
Please say you'll come.
-Oh, God.
-Will you come?
I want you to come.
- I...
- You're coming.
You have to come. Please come.
You're coming. You're coming.
I will try to come.
Okay, great. All right.
We'll see you there. Bye!
Bye.
Jesus.
That sounds like being
a single parent is no joke.
-It really does.
-Yeah, talk about being
the hunter and the gatherer.
Exactly.
And gatherings' benefits suck.
There's no dental plan and...
-Yeah.
-it's ridiculous.
Um. So what do you do?
Ah, I am an editor.
Oh. For movies?
Yeah, yeah. Movies. Uh...
- Mostly one genre.
- That's so cool.
I just work
in boring landscaping.
Most exciting thing that's
ever happened in my job
is when Jurassic Park came out,
and everybody wanted
a velociraptor for a hedge.
But, uh, my kids bring
-all the drama into my life.
-Uh-huh?
-Too blessed
to be stressed, right?
-Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Um.
-Yeah.
-Is everything okay?
-Ooh, yeah, yeah.
-Totally fine. Totally fine.
-Oh.
"I'm too you blessed
to be stressed."
I don't know why I said that.
It's like
the most mom thing ever.
It is. It's very mom.
It is very mom thing.
But, uh, that's not it.
I just realized
I spilled some water, is all.
-That's all it is.
-Oh, I didn't even notice.
Yeah, 'cause I did it
in the car before I walked in,
and I just actually just
remembered that I did it,
-and I'm super allergic...
-To water?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Oh.
I gotta-- I should,
I should go clean up right away.
Oh, I got you.
I always have wipies in my bag.
Oh, no. No, Go-- Uh-huh,
I'm sure you do. That's awesome.
That is very good to have wipies
in case you're-- For your kids.
-Uh-huh. Special tissues?
-But I have special tissues.
Yeah, they're non-water-based
lotion in the tissue.
-And I got to-- I better do
this right away before...
-Oh, we just sat down.
Yeah, I know.
This has been so much fun.
Can we definitely
do this again sometime?
-Oh... Oh.
-I got to run out and I'm...
-Good-bye. Bye.
-Bye.
Hey, I got that chair you guys,
you, you were asking
about a chair earlier.
Do you remember that?
Shut up.
I'm so sorry about last week.
That was... weird.
I was weird.
I was weird, and I'm sorry.
-Did I say something wrong?
I mean, for you to
-No.
-God, no. Uh-huh.
-leave like that?
No. No, no, no, no.
I think you're great.
- I think you seem
pretty great, too.
Um, in a, in a weird way.
- But good weird, uh...
- Okay, I'll take it.
I just, I was a little confused.
Yeah. No, I get that.
Listen, I have heard it all.
I work in people's yards.
You would not believe the shit
people say when they don't think
the help is out there listening.
Okay. Were you in prison?
-What? No.
-DUI?
Uh... Well, not that I remember.
Another family you support
in Switzerland?
Holy shit.
How did you guess that?
But just for the chocolate.
Okay. Then what?
It's weird.
Oh, God. Uh, what is it?
No, no, it's not, it's not.
It's just that I, I--
Just say it.
- Just say it. Just say it.
- I... edit porn.
-What? I can't hear you.
-Hmm?
-What?
-Oh.
Uh... I edit porn.
Sorry. Could you just
speak up a little?
-Porn, porn. Porn, porn, porn.
-Oh.
-Wow.
-Porn. I edit porn. I edit porn,
and porn does not
turn me on at all.
Moms do.
Live, laugh, love.
Don't talk to me
till I've had my coffee.
Leaning in moms.
Um...
-I'm a mom.
-Oh, believe me, I know.
But obviously, the, the dream
was to be a feature film editor,
a-- and it just,
you know, how things go.
It just came onto my lap, and...
Well, that's not
how I wanna say it.
I'm just saying, you know, like,
it's great health insurance,
401K, you know,
and it's, it's not like people
who do this
become more normal over time,
you know.
I just--
It's not a...
Look, if you never wanna
see me again, I get it. 100%.
Nobody wants the guy
who got into the guild
for his work
on Must Love Dongs 4.
Can I watch?
Hey, Golda, uh, it's Ruby again.
Um, I've left you
a couple of voicemails.
I don't know if your machine
is wonky or something,
but the apartment upstairs
is definitely occupied by,
I don't know if it's, like,
a few couples or maybe
a couple of throuples,
or som-- whatever.
- It's hard to tell,
but please call me back.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call again.
This is a real doll chase.
It's like, come on, Kiki.
-Embarrassing.
-We know. We've been
to Chinatown, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Ruby?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God!
I'm opening this store actually.
You're joking.
She doesn't look
like she's joking.
Obviously, Allison.
It's so cute.
What are you selling?
Uh, vintage.
It's, like, all vintage.
'80s, '90s.
Oh, so, like,
used people's clothing?
Sort of.
It's a little more interesting
than that, actually.
Consignment. Fabulous.
So this whole space is yours?
-Yeah, it is.
-Wonderful. You need my help.
-I do? I mean, I do, but--
-You do.
I know everyone.
I will introduce you
to everyone.
- It's like, remember last night?
- Mm-hmm.
It was so special.
I have a Jamaican nanny.
She's been with me forever.
Forever.
And I was at Argento last night.
It's such a fun spot.
So fun, so spotty.
Anywho,
we had a Jamaican server.
It was so crazy.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
you have to meet my nanny."
Mm-hmm. She said that.
And so I got Nanny Sandy
over there.
They meet,
they totally connected,
and now they have, like,
such a beautiful community
together.
I almost cried.
Turns out, I think,
they may kind of, like,
hate each other now.
But it doesn't matter
'cause I did my part.
- You truly did.
- Anywho, long story short,
it's hard out here
if you're not from here.
So, since I'm a giver,
I'm going to be your Ham tonight
slash Palm Beach
slash Telluride tour guide.
I'll be in touch.
Kiss, kiss, kiss!
-Wow.
-It looks like
you're the new flavor.
Good luck.
Okay.
Oh. This is adorable.
- Thanks.
- Finally.
I've been telling Golda
for years
to get someone in here
to take over.
Wait,
how do you guys know Golda?
Oh, everybody's in everybody's
business out here.
Yeah, so I'm learning.
I'm Carl, this is Scott.
And who are you, beautiful?
I'm blushing. I'm Ruby.
Can I help you guys
find anything?
-Oh, we'll just poke around.
-Okay.
Wait. What is this?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
Those are by this local artist,
Arco. He's amazing.
-Good eye.
-Ooh, we'll take it.
-Oh, no.
I was just looking, babe.
-But it really suits you, babe.
-I, I don't need it.
-But I want you to have it.
No, seriously, I'm, I'm all set.
Do you have a gift box?
Let me look.
-For fuck's sake.
-Uh, give us a second.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What, did that ring kill
your father or something?
Stop buying me things.
-What?
-It's, like, every time
we walk into a store.
You buy me a glassblowing vase,
or a gold-embossed tie clip,
or a Faberge fucking trinket.
-Enough.
-Oh, no.
Your boyfriend likes
to buy you gifts.
How awful.
The struggle is real.
Let's go home. Okay?
I have that steak in the fridge,
and I don't want it
to over-marinate.
You said there was no such thing
as over-marinating.
-Shh.
-Well, I-- You said that.
So are you actually upset
because I buy you too much?
I'm not upset.
Sorry.
I must be reading your face,
voice, and body language wrong.
Seriously, how is treating
the man that I love a problem?
Oh. Oh. That's outstanding.
-Thank you.
-Mmm.
You know, I was going to buy us
tickets to Paris, but, uh...
I guess you wouldn't
wanna do that,
because it would be a "gift."
I would love to go to Paris.
It's, it's not that.
Then what is it?
I want to go back to work.
Work?
Is that a new club?
No. I want a job.
I want my own money.
I wanna be my own person.
You are.
You're my person.
Wow. Uh, there's a job
at Lunar Landscapes.
-Izzy told me. Why not?
-Absolutely not.
Because they do
our shrubbery, sweetie.
-So...?
-So when's the last time
you shrubbed?
I mean, why do menial work
when I make enough
for both of us?
Because I feel like a kept man.
And I'm, I'm more than that.
Enjoy your steak au poivre.
Oh, I will.
But begrudgingly.
Oh.
You're up early.
I have that job interview
at Lunar Landscapes.
To be a shrubber.
Why don't you just hop
in our backyard
and do our flowers?
I could save a couple
of grand on the gardeners.
I'll see you later.
Wait, did you make breakfast?
Uh, no. Did you?
I never make breakfast.
Oh, I never work.
See, we're both trying
new things.
Wh-- What am I supposed to eat?
I don't know, babe.
Just figure it out.
Bye.
Well,
if I were a breakfast...
...where would I be?
Nope.
Okay. I don't know
if this is such a good idea.
- Aren't you dating that bajillionaire?
- -Izzy, come on.
We've known each other
since we were, like,
in the womb.
Yeah. And you have
a totally different life now.
We are pruning
very different things.
Look, I am geared up,
and I'm ready to rumble.
So get this guy in the bushes
and let him chop, chop, chop.
Please. Just do it for him.
-Just, do it for me. Izzy.
-Okay, okay.
You know. I love you, but I...
I don't know.
Come on. I'm calling in
on that friend favor
that you owe me.
'Cause you remember
that time when I almost had to
bail you out of the--
Okay, okay. Fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
I will give you a trial. Okay?
Oh, God.
Thank you so much, Izzy.
-I love you, I love you,
I love you.
-Yeah. I love you, too.
Now get out of my office.
I just...
-...got here.
-Yeah. Now go.
Okay.
So, how was the interview?
It was fantastic.
Thanks for asking.
Did you get the job?
Do you care?
Am I not enough for you?
-Why would you even ask that?
-You're changing the rules.
The, the rules?
We had a rule book
when we started dating,
and now it feels, like,
you're in another game entirely.
We, we were playing hockey,
and now you're into
jai alai or whatever.
I just needed to know
that I could stand
on my own two feet.
That's all.
But if I can't provide for you,
why would you wanna
even be with me anyway?
Honey. No, no, no, no.
You, you provide for me
in so many ways.
You're my entire world.
That, that'll never,
ever change.
Did you eat?
Yeah, I'll...
-I'll go whip something up.
-Can I help?
Wait...
Really?
Really.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
- Ruby! Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Eden.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Okay, I know you said
that you could help me,
and I'm feeling
super overwhelmed.
-You are so vibes.
-Thank you.
I think
it's a good thing, right?
It's a whole mood.
Listen, let's go out tonight.
-Okay.
-I'll help you
help yourself, hmm? Hmm.
Oh. Sorry.
-I'm going to use your bathroom.
-Oh, sure, it's right--
I'm going to take a shit,
and I won't use an air spritz.
Oh, there's actually
a spray back there.
-You can...
-Ruby.
Would a man mask his scent?
I think it probably depends
on the volume and the intensity.
The answer is no, Ruby.
No, they wouldn't.
You grab life by the sphincter,
and you just fucking do it.
Oh.
Rubicon.
Question I can't believe
I haven't asked you yet.
John.
I cannot consign human beings.
- What? This is my niece, Lucy.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry. Hi, Lucy.
Uncle J has told me
so much about you.
I just love you already!
And it's, like, we both have
the letter Y at the end
of our names.
Yeah.
Incredible.
John, are you crying?
What? No. I--
I just love
intergenerational connection.
- #inspired.
- Okay.
What did you wanna talk
to me about?
What? Duh.
Um, do you now or have you
ever had a ferret allergy?
-No.
-Because we just met
a guy outside.
He can get it for us at cost.
Oh. No, no, no.
I'm also not consigning rodents.
-Wait. Ferrets are mustelids.
-Just like otters or wolverines.
We're gonna
make you rich, Rubster.
Oh, I totes...
forgot to tell you.
Lucy's going to be staying
with us for a while.
I can't wait!
Ruby squared!
See you later. And I'm like,
I'm gonna kill myself.
So tell me
about your love life, Ruby.
Oh, well, there's not
that much to tell.
-I just broke it off
with this guy.
-Good.
Don't give him even a sip
of that kitty cat down under.
-My ex-husband scouted me
from the trading floor.
-Wow.
-Yeah
-Oh, my God, that's so cool.
He's still a dipshit, though.
Listen, take it from a bitch
who's been around the block.
-They're not worth it.
-Totally.
-Mm-hmm.
-I mean, I'm just, you know,
-I'm afraid I'll be, like,
alone forever or whatever, but--
-Get past it.
Get what you want.
-Want what you get.
-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.
-Totally.
The great Ranti Shanti
Shanti Lowenstein
- told me that on our pilgrimage.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, that's so cool.
Where was the pilgrimage?
I mean,
if you have to ask, you know.
Oh, yeah. Totally sorry.
Mmm. You've got this, right?
Sure.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Lizzie. Oh, my God,
let's do lunch soon, okay?
Oh, thanks.
Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.
- Oh, that would look fabulous on you.
- -I know.
-Bitch.
I've got good news for you.
-What?
We're going to have the Boas
for Bora Bora event here.
-Ruby, you've earned it.
-Wow!
- I know! I know!
- Wow! Oh my God!
-Eden.
-Mm-hmm.
What an honor.
Well, I'm a little concerned
we're not big enough, though,
and that I maybe don't have
the, the capital
to throw a party.
-It sounds like a lot of cash.
-It's a total investment
in your future.
And I trust you completely.
-Really?
-I trust you completely.
Ta-ta for now. Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Oh. You have to pay
for the sunglasses.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Hello.
-Hi. I need some help.
-Yes, of course. How can I help?
Well, you know, I need something
that screams special.
-Mm-hmm.
-Unique.
-I am what's for dinner.
-Mmm.
I love that. Um, well,
nothing says unique
like vintage Gucci.
That's good, 'cause I have it.
Okay, okay.
Let me try harder. Ooh!
Oh, my gosh.
We just got in this amazing
Oscar de la Renta little tube.
Have it.
-Have that.
-I know.
What a closet.
Okay, I'll try harder.
Oh, wait a second,
wait a second.
This, this is something
like I'm looking.
This is fabulous.
Oh, well,
that's just a costume jewelry.
-It's 20 bucks.
-I'll give you $15.
-No, sorry. It's 20 bucks.
-Yeah.
No, I can give you $15.
I cannot pay a penny more.
I just can't.
-Okay. Yeah, $15 is fine.
-Oh, good.
No. Oh, wait. Sorry.
Let me wrap that up for you.
-Oh! No. Here,
I've got it for you right here.
-Please let me get you a box.
-No, no, no, no,
I don't need one. That's fine.
-Okay.
Bye. You know, it's great.
It's fabulous.
-It was very good to see you.
-You too.
-Have a great afternoon.
-Yes. Be well.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
Wait. Oh, Jesus.
Dan, no, I said I wanted
the white nectarines,
not the yellow peaches.
They look the same
at the supermarket.
Oh, no, no,
'cause they're not the same.
Because you don't pay attention
to things that I care about.
Right? So, they-- No, it's not.
It's like you bringing home
Katherine Heigl.
-And I said, Rachel McAdams.
-You sound like an asshole.
You know, at least I know
where mine is.
-It was one time!
-It was not one--
Damn it. Let it go! What is--?
Hi, honey.
We didn't
hear you come in.
Did you eat? Do you want me
to make you something?
I ate at Ollie's.
I'm gonna go up to my room.
Well, she's always at Ollie's.
I never know what' going on.
You go. Oh, fine.
See, I know where
your asshole is, though.
Why is it
so hot in here? It's...
-It's because you're
premenopausal.
-Oh.
Just, I mean,
we could just open something.
Could open a window.
Well...
Do you hate me?
What?
Do you hate me?
I mean, uh,
should we even try anymore?
I will not go
to that therapist again.
Well, I...
I wanna try if...
...you want to.
I don't hate you.
I do wanna try, but I don't know
what you want anymore.
I...
I was at Argento earlier
with Carol,
and she said...
She had an idea about something
that really helped her marriage.
And?
Well she said there are these...
...these swingers set ups...
...were somewhat helpful.
Carol, who's married
to monotone Mark?
I know. It's crazy.
Well, how exactly does it work?
Well, they-- Um...
I think there's an agency,
and they match you up
with people
that might match your interests.
So you call them up,
you put in, like, your thing?
It's like, "Hey,
I like to do things,"
and they just-- And they
chill with other people...
-They go through the Rolodex.
-...who do those things.
So you thought about this?
Well, I--
Oh, I, I, I just thought...
I don't know.
I'd like to see.
So there's an agency?
Monotone Mark.
Sweet dreams.
It's still hot in here.
Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea. I don't...
Yeah, maybe we should, uh...
Oh.
Hi.
Well...
They look eager.
Oh. Okay.
- Yes. Yeah.
- Oh, well, you seem--
I, I-- It's just we,
we just started.
We, we didn't know
what to expect.
-No, it's--
We didn't know either.
-Okay.
But I, I, I have to say,
I, I don't know.
You guys are really great.
-Oh.
-Really great.
That's nice.
Here's to whatever
this
is.
- That's great.
- That's good.
-You can do it.
-Mmm, yeah, yeah.
-You can hear me, right?
-It is good, it is...
So, uh...
...should we...?
-Well, we brought--
-We brought some reinforcements.
- Make you feel more comfortable.
- Oh.
Here she goes.
When was the last time
you smoked a doobie?
Oh.
-Wow.
-Mmm.
Gosh.
-A doobie.
-It is.
- To us!
- To us.
Well, that was just amazing.
I feel like I have
a totally different perspective
on marriage.
Me too. I, I can't wait
to see them again.
Should we host next time
or get a hotel or...
I want a divorce.
Hey there.
Let me know if you need
help finding anything.
-I'm just looking. Thank you.
-Sure.
-Oh, my God, isn't that amazing?
Can I start you a fitting room?
-Uh, sure.
Great. Oh, keep looking.
There's, like,
so much cute stuff.
-Um, I think I'm gonna pass.
-Oh, bummer.
But, you know, come back.
We got new stuff in
literally all the time.
So, you know,
whenever you have time.
-Yeah, cool.
-Cool. We'll see you soon. Bye.
Oh, fuck!
Stop! Thief!
Oh, my God, my boobs.
Oh, I love what you're wearing.
Thanks. It's vintage.
La Perla-esque with a semi-sheer
bra and panty set
from Florida Mall.
Oh, right there. Oh! Yes!
-Paige.
-Yes!
-Paige, I'm not--
-Yes!
-I'm not touching you.
-Yes!
Oh, that doesn't matter.
Um, it's what the girls
are supposed to do.
You have to really show
that you like it.
-It's all over Pornhub.
-Oh.
Cool. Okay.
Am I doing it right?
Um, yeah, but, um,
you have to make it
kind of gruntier
and louder before you put it in.
Oh, yes!
-Oh!
-Paige, should I put it in?
Um, Oh, yes! Daddy!
Yes, I want you. Oh, my God!
-Put in your big cock.
-Oh.
- Oh!
- Okay.
-Ow.
-Are you okay? Is this okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Keep going.
It's, um, it's supposed to hurt.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, my God! Yes!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna come.
I mean, I'm gonna squirt, um...
-Wait, what?
-I'm squirting.
What's squirt?
What are you squirting?
- Yeah.
- Down the-- Do-- Down there?
Yeah. You were just in
so deep, Daddy, that, um...
-That, um...
-Paige.
-I just...
-I--
-I wanna stop.
-Wait.
-What?
-I--
I don't know
what you're doing, and...
this, this feels weird.
W-- Was I not loud enough?
I was practicing earlier.
I thought this was
how it was supposed to sound.
What? Why were you practicing?
Um, because, I don't know,
um, because I...
I felt that if I was bad at sex
that you would break up with me.
So I watched
all this stuff online, and...
I thought guys really liked it
when girls screamed and stuff.
Why would I break up with you?
Mmm?
You're my girlfriend.
Which means we're probably gonna
love each other forever.
Holy shit!
This costs $400?
Did your mom
actually buy this for you?
Not really.
I kind of borrowed it.
From who?
Ollie.
-Um.
-Paige. What is going on?
Hey, mom. I didn't know
you're gonna be home so early.
-Hey, Mrs. Shemanski.
-It's really no big--
-Oh, my God.
-We were just, uh...
-Yeah, it's okay, we were just--
-Paige. Go home. Now.
-What are you wearing?
-Oh, it's, uh,
it's vintage
La Perla-esque, and...
Okay, Ollie,
walk Paige to the door, please.
And then we're gonna talk
about your behavior.
Yeah, Mom. Sorry.
Will you please promise
not to tell anyone about this?
I feel really dumb.
My lips are sealed.
And by the way,
I think it's really sexy the way
you wear your normal jeans
and sneakers and stuff.
Ollie. Hi, it's Ruby.
Uh, I know we haven't spoken
in a really long time,
but I could really, really,
really use your catering skills,
um, out east this weekend.
I know you have
a house out here,
so if you're out here,
please call me. Um...
- We're sorry,
the mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
Jesus, does no one pick up
their phone anymore?
What is up?
Hey.
Uh, hi.
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Dad died
last week.
Oh, fuck.
I'm so sorry.
So he seemed better today. No?
Honestly?
Honestly.
He's dehydrated
and he's not eating as much.
It's not a good sign.
How much time do you think?
Days at most.
Listen, I might be overstepping,
but is there someone
you could call?
A girlfriend maybe?
Boyfriend?
No.
What about you?
No husband? Wife?
A weird throuple
you're not telling anyone about.
In my dreams.
Honestly same.
Come with me.
What, am I drinking alone?
So, um...
what do we do when he...
...you know, goes?
Well, we have to wait
for the coroner,
which can take anywhere from
two hours to six,
depending on how busy they are.
Well...
- So what do,
just wait here till it happens?
- Yep.
Well, I will, at least.
You can, by all means,
go to a hotel.
There's absolutely no pressure
if it's too much.
No. I'll wait.
You have a very unique job.
I make a living
by being with the dying.
It's a very circle-of-life
employment experience.
Yeah, my mom was a nurse.
Different, obviously, but...
She also loved it.
She passed when I was 15.
Are you hungry?
And voila !
The perfect compliment
to death and liquor.
Sorry.
Could you maybe
cut off the crusts?
That's how my mom
used to make them.
Oh, okay. Sure, no problem.
Thanks. And also,
if it's not too much trouble,
could you maybe see
if there's any mook?
Mook?
Sorry. I meant moo-- Milk. Milk.
Mook is how I used to say milk
when I was a kid.
-Oh. Mook.
-So embarrassed.
Don't be. Mook it is.
You're right.
-It's perfect.
-Yeah.
Stick, stick with me, kid.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can I say it's like
having a weird dream?
Uh... Okay.
I think it's time for bed.
You kind of remind me of my mom.
Yup. Super weird.
And I think you're
the most beautiful woman
that I've ever met
in my whole life.
Um...
Fuck!
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
Oh! That's dead weird.
-Forget I said that.
-It's okay, it's okay.
You're such
a good caretaker, Marie.
I really need that
in my life right now.
It's literally my job,
so no sweat, um...
I know this is
a really difficult time for you,
and I, I think we should
get you to bed.
Together?
-No, Noah! Not together.
-Snuggles?
-Absolutely not.
-Please, Marie!
Please.
My dad is going to die.
I need you right now,
Marie. Please!
Shh. Please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice ever!
-Okay. Wha-- What are you doing?
-Cuddles.
Cuddles, Marie!
- Jeez...
- Cuddles.
Okay. What about,
what about a story?
Do you want a story?
And they lived
happily ever after.
The end.
Okay, time for sleep.
Marie.
Could you give me Mr. Teddy?
He's on the nightstand.
Ruby.
You mean so much to me.
- I do?
- You do.
I know you've always
been there for me.
Noah.
I'm really sorry that you're
going through this, but...
Please, please.
Just hear me out.
I've been a real asshole.
Yeah. That's true.
But I'm proud of you, Ruby.
Running a store
and getting yourself out here.
It's no easy feat.
Thanks.
-You're having a party
this weekend?
-Yeah.
I'm hosting the Boas
for Bora Bora
annual kickoff party.
-Hence the boas.
-Yes, hence all the boas.
Let me help you.
-Really?
-Really.
Are you sure?
Okay.
What's the point
of the other ones?
I don't know, man.
I didn't make this shit up.
Uh, so.
-So?
-What are you wearing
this weekend?
Hmm. God, I don't know.
Okay, the party is Y2K themed.
-Oh, my God.
-So I guess
a lot of smaller items,
like this guy that I found.
You should put that on.
I can't.
You can.
-You can.
-No.
-No.
-You can. Come on.
Come on.
-Come on.
-Come on, Noah.
Stop.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I look like discount Spice Girl.
You spice up my life.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure.
Okay, here we go.
You look good.
-Ruby cube.
-Yes?
You know, you're one of my
favorite people, right?
Yes.
-That was...
-Missed you, Ruby cube.
Missed you.
I missed you, too.
Can I, can I help you
this weekend?
-Yes.
-Yeah?
Triple yes.
I'm yours.
Where do you winter?
There's no such thing
as wintering.
No. January's winter.
So these are some of my photos.
What did you shoot this on?
A camera.
Did someone say
Gwyneth is coming?
Someone always says
Gwyneth is coming.
Oh, I am so sick
of these phony parties.
Seriously, it's so desperate.
Cute store though.
So then, I say to Gwennie,
Gwennie bear,
"If I use your vagina candle
one more time,
you're gonna have to blow me."
Refill! I know right?
She loved it.
She just fell about laughing.
Oh, my God, she thinks
I'm the funniest thing.
-Hey, Eden, um,
can I talk to you?
-Oh. Hi, Ruby cube.
-I didn't see you there.
I'm a little busy.
-Oh, actually it's important.
Um, sorry, my ladies,
you know hostessing duties.
Hey. Is anybody coming to help?
'Cause I kind of feel like
all I'm doing is
-passing out appetizers--
-Hors d'oeuvres.
-Hors d'oeuvres.
-Right.
But I feel like
all I'm doing is working.
Darling. Oh, come on,
you need to pay your dues.
Everyone goes through this.
Trust me.
Your time will come.
This is how you get
into the Hamptons.
Come on. Trust your mama mentor.
Yeah, but I can't really
have spent all this money--
Hang in there.
I hear Gwyneth might come, too.
We're besties. I'll intro you.
-Really?
-Oh, come on.
From one boss bitch to another.
Oh, my God, Raphael!
You made it!
So are these
dead people's clothes?
I don't think they're all dead.
I love it. Do it again.
Come here you.
Oh, my God! Ruby! Hi!
This, this party was so special.
Sorry. I thought, um--
She said people had gone,
and I thought--
You thought!
What the fuck, Noah?
You thought I was gonna leave
my own store
- with feather fucking boas everywhere?
- -Uh...
Technically,
we're both owners now.
-What?
-I mean, it's obvious
that I'm the reason
you're successful here.
Golda's been trying to pawn
this puppy off for years.
-You know Golda?
-Everyone knows Golda.
She's a kook.
Noah, honey, a little help here.
But I called her and we talked,
and I'm in charge now.
Eden can really help
you out, Ruby. I mean...
She's just got such an amazing--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
So you're stealing my job
and my boyfriend.
Is this for fucking real?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no. Sweet, sweet Ruby.
You can still totally work here.
But for this guy over here.
Honey, he just needs
a little TLC.
She's just
so emotionally nurturing.
I really need that
right now, Ruby.
I mean, you know,
death is just so hard.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Oh, please clean in the morning.
Love you, Mina. Bye.
Come here you.
Hi, guys, um...
It's me. Um...
I think I made a mistake
by coming here,
and I'm really struggling.
We're sorry.
The mailbox is full.
Please try your call
again later. Good-bye.
I get it!
No one ever fucking picks up
their phone ever!
Fuck you!
Yeah, well, it's always
yell o'clock somewhere, right?
God.
Oh, I'm getting out of here.
My life is a mess.
The store is a mess.
I don't even know
why I came here to begin with.
I hear ya.
You wanna pickle, though?
Thanks. I'm good.
Listen. Boss lady. Mama bear.
Big cheese-moving,
honeypot-stirring, thirst-trap
power player.
I will say this.
There are crunchy pickles
and there are soggy pickles.
You're a cruncher.
Take that as you will.
There's literally no way
to take that.
You know, Uncle J has had
tons of wannabe boss ladies
move in here, but none
of them have stuck it out.
Except for you.
You're Jeff Bezos,
but with hair,
and you're not a sociopath.
And if you are,
you're really good at hiding it.
Thank you.
Shit happens.
You just got to move forward.
Be a crunchy dill.
Be a crunchy dill.
Hello.
Golda! Hi, it's Ruby.
I've been trying
to reach you for literally ages.
Sorry. Phone was disconnected.
So many voicemails.
Probably from me. Uh...
Okay, I wanted to talk to you
about the store, and the...
Mm-hmm. So, yeah,
there's also no apartment.
Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot.
I gave it to my nephew.
Were you gonna
tell me about that?
You seem
like a resourceful girl.
Right. Okay, well,
there's a woman named Eden,
and she's trying to
take over the store.
I don't know any Eden.
I know you.
The store is yours to do
whatever you'd like with.
- It's your time to shine,
Ruby cube.
-Bye.
-No, Golda. Oh.
No.
Ruby!
Oh, my God,
what is going on?
The place looks like shit.
Let's get moving,
my eager beaver.
Eden, the store...
does not belong to you.
Noah! Get the fuck out!
Technically, it does.
I'm part owner.
No, you're not.
I worked my ass off,
and then you two decided
to waltz the fuck in,
and try to take over.
- I'm thinking a curated art exhibit next.
- -Mmm.
What do you think,
honey bear, huh?
Whatever you think, mama mentor.
Yeah, huh. Mmm.
Oh, my God, Jesus.
Now, look, here's the T, Ruby.
You either let me do what I want
or I ruin you.
No one will ever shop here.
And you will never, ever be me
or the next Gwyneth,
for that matter.
-What's up, guys?
-Hey, John.
Candi?
What? No, my name's not Candi.
It's Eden.
It's so nice to meet you.
No, it's not.
It's Candi with an "I."
-Class of '98.
-That's not me.
I, I went to boarding school
in the Alps.
Fuck off, Candi.
Our dads raised a state fair
winning pig together.
Lyle, Lyle, pig-odile.
Rube, you have
that yearbook I gave you?
-I knew this was valuable.
-Oh, shut up.
Yep. Here she is.
That doesn't even look like me.
- It does.
- It doesn't!
- It does.
- It does not!
-It definitely does.
-Fuck.
Fine. Maybe it is me.
And maybe I am
a remorseless bitch, but...
come on, you can't tell anyone.
You're better than that.
Besides, if I have to face
consequences for my actions,
I'll never learn.
Well, it seems we're in just
a little bit of a pickle,
Candi.
What are you gonna do?
-I'm not gonna do anything.
-Really?
Yes, but you will leave
my store now,
and never come back.
But where am I supposed to host
all of my events, my parties?
I don't care anywhere
that will have you.
Just not here.
-Let's go, Noah.
-Yeah, um...
Sorry, I'm kind of into women
that are self-sufficient.
I mean, you're not even
like a cool older woman.
You're like a lame older woman.
Ugh. Noah.
-Get out!
-What?
I thought we could,
you know, talk again.
Both of you. Now!
Noah bear.
Noah bear.
If you're ever in the market
for a new mentor, call me.
I'm actually a lawyer, a doctor,
and a forensic anthropologist.
Is that a thing?
It is in the Hamptons.
That was epic!
You queen of the universe.
John, I'm not the queen
of the universe.
But thank you for your help.
No problemo.
Yeah, we've got
a mess to clean up.
Yeah.
I'm gonna call the guys.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Hey!
Ho!
Yeah!
The girl who stole the La Perla.
I'm Paige.
-Hi, Paige.
-Here is all of your stuff back.
-Oh.
-Don't worry, I washed it all.
-Thank you.
-We would love to
help you clean up.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks. I'll take it.
Are you guys...
Are you guys
boyfriend-girlfriend?
We're soul mates.
Must be nice.
I believe in you.
...surprise you with
salsa dancing. It's the music...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, hey, look at this.
-Hi, guys.
-It looks so good.
-Are you guys together?
-Yes.
-Oh.
-I wish we could stay,
but we actually have to go
to a PTA meeting.
Bye.
Lovebirds.
Look, who's
the bonafide boss babe now.
-Hit me.
-Hit you.
So, weird question.
No ferrets, John.
Different type
of weird question.
Want to go out sometime?
I think I'm good...
for now.
All right. See you at the house.
Trailer.