Love & Sex (2000) Movie Script
1
[ Rumbling ]
[ Screaming, Echoing ]
- [ Woman ]
Falling in love is beautiful.
- [ Blowing Raspberry ]
[ Continues ]
We do it for one reason:
nothing in the world
makes us feel so good.
Don't!
That hurts!
[ Imitating ]
Don't!
Oh, poor Kate.
Let me make it better.
Ow!
You're ugly.
You're ugly!
[ Woman ]
First love is the most powerful
because no one's been hurt yet.
My first love
was Bobby Norton.
Everything he did
had a sort of magic to it.
The way he smiled,
the way he talked,
the way he walked
like my favorite actor,
Billy Jack.
Bobby was a movie star.
[ Sighs ]
Hi.
Hi.
You okay?
Maybe you shouldn't shove
so hard next time.
[ Sighs ]
My heart just got bigger.
When I look at you
like this, it looks like
you only have one eye.
[ Scoffs ]
Thank you.
[ School Bell Ringing ]
[ Woman ]
One of the many differences...
between men and women
when it comes to love...
is the need to tell the world
every little detail.
If you do choose
to spill your guts to someone,
just make sure
it isn't Becky Sussman.
Bobby, are you okay?
[ Sobbing ]
How could you do it?
What did I do?
You told everybody.
How could you do that?
All my friends
are making fun of me,
and now it's over.
It's over!
Bobby!
Bobby, I'll tell your friends
I was lying!
I'll let you
hit me harder.
[ Kate Sobbing ]
Bobby?
[ Woman ]
Love is a mine field.
You take a step,
get blown to pieces,
put yourself back
together again...
and stupidly
take another step.
I guess
that's human nature.
It hurts so much to be alone
that we'd all rather blow up
than be single.
[ Woman ]
Clouds from chimneys rise
They're something
wild and free
That river always runs
Away from here
and you and me
Honey child
Oh, my honey child
These stones
are in your hands
Through the air
across the sea
[ Fades ]
What's new, Frank?
Kate.
It, uh, doesn't
make the elevator go
any faster, Kate.
Yeah. I know.
But it makes me
feel more involved.
Are you angry?
No! Why?
Well, I just heard
this thing where
single women...
tend to be
eight times angrier
than married women.
Maybe you should write
an article about that,
since you're not married.
Uh, yeah.
[ Scoffs ]
I would, but uh--
[ Elevator Dings ]
I'm in the middle
of writing an article...
on married bald guys
who can't get hard
without Viagra.
[ Woman ]
Hold me closer
Closer still and
Closer, say I
All the ways I will
Ah, honey child
- You're late.
- I know.
Not a good day
to be late.
Why not?
Because the antichrist
is really pissed at you.
She said she wants to see you
in her office right now.
Oh, God.
Why?
Well, I'm not
supposed to say.
Do you have any
stretch marks?
Not yet.
Damn!
Have a deadline
on my vitamin E piece.
I know that heifer
in accounting has them,
but she's not talking.
[ Yelling ]
Does anybody have
any stretch marks?
Sit down.
Oh, God.
Don't get old, Kate.
Old is ugly.
Ugly is death.
- You're fired.
- What?
[ Into Intercom ]
Get me Leo.
Were you planning on turning
in the article I assigned
after I read that one?
You said I should make
the article my own, so I did.
Kate. [ Chuckles ]
Kate, this is a step-by-step
description of sucking cocks.
Right. Actually, I called
it a blow-by-blow.
Very clever.
"When life sucks, so should you.
Oral sex can cure depression--"
What the fuck
were you thinking?
All right.
So maybe the title
is a little harsh.
But I found a great hook,
don't you think?
When I said make it your own,
I meant draw from
your own experiences
and relationships.
That's what I did.
I know ten times more
about blow jobs...
than I do
about relationships.
I've failed at
every relationship
I've ever been in.
I don't know what's going on
in your personal life, and
I really don't give a shit.
The point is,
our readers still have hope.
This is called
Monique magazine. Monique.
My name is at stake here.
It is not called,
Tired, Old, Jaded
Dick-sucker Review.
All right.
Wh-What if Mary...
writes the piece on
perfect relationships,
and do the little thing
on stretch marks.
I know tons of people
with stretch marks.
[ Items From Purse Clattering ]
Okay.
I'm going to be completely
honest with you here.
I can't cope
with being fired.
This is the only thing
in my entire life
I haven't failed at.
I can do the assignment.
I know I can.
Can you finish 2,500
happy, perky words
by deadline tonight?
- Absolutely.
- Then you are
temporarily "unfired."
Thank you.
Now get the fuck
out of my office.
[ Chattering ]
[ Sighs, Whispers ]
Shit! Shit! Shit!
So, were you fired?
Not yet.
Hey, somebody made a copy
of your blow job article
and circulated it.
Pretty good.
So, you use your hands,
huh?
[ Groans ]
Happy, perky notes...
on how to find and keep
that perfect man.
[ Clicks Off ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Kate ]
We all want to be loved.
Sometimes it doesn't
even matter who loves us,
as long as they make us
feel less alone.
What makes a relationship
last forever?
I guess if I knew the answer
to that, I wouldn't be
living alone with my four cats.
[ Happy Chattering ]
They say you have
to kiss a lot of frogs
to get to the prince.
Richard Miltner was
the most boring frog
I ever dated.
But sometimes, you just
have to get out of the house.
...The masculine
and the feminine--
[ Sighs ]
Boy, we lucked out
pretty good.
My mother's corns
aren't usually this bad,
but lucky for us she wasn't
able to walk well enough
to come to the show.
It's haunting,
don't you think?
What?
Uh, the paintings.
They're pretty disturbing.
- You think?
- If I had a kid,
I definitely wouldn't
put one of these up
in his bedroom.
Unless I hated him.
My father would have
hung stuff like this
from my ceilings.
He hated me.
You know, my mother
hated me too.
She used to tell me
I was dying of cancer
when I was four.
Yeah.
Always sent me into
these deep depressions.
Which was what she wanted,
because then I wouldn't
ask her to make me lunch.
Yeah, she hated
when I bugged her
for food and stuff.
Hey, uh, would you
like a champagne?
What?
Uh, a champagne.
Would you like one?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Were you lookin'
for me?
No! [ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
No, I really wasn't
looking for anybody.
You mind if
I talk to you
for a minute?
Sure.
In the corner?
In the corner?
[ Laughs ]
I don't like
the middle of rooms.
It's--
Just come with me to the corner.
Nobody's behind you
in the corner.
Just--
Come on.
So, who's that guy
you're with?
What guy?
Oh, uh, Richard?
He's a stand-up comedian.
Yeah, he seems funny.
Is he your boyfriend?
Richard? No.
No, he's 30 years old, and
he lives with his mother.
So what do you think
of the paintings?
I love the style, but
I think they're immature.
Immature?
Mm-hmm.
- What makes you say that?
- Look at that one over there.
- Yeah?
- What the hell's
that supposed to mean?
That? I think
that one's supposed to mean
that there's a woman...
pulling a severed head
out of her ass.
What's the point?
What do I learn from it?
[ Chuckles ]
Maybe that's it.
Maybe there's no point.
You're not supposed
to learn anything.
I wonder what
the artist looks like.
He must be pretty scary
with shit like that
coming out of his head.
Maybe he has a highly-developed
dark side that you might not be
in contact with.
How long did it take you
to paint that one?
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, gosh.
There you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
You are a doll!
Look at this. Thank you.
Uh, Richard,
Adam Levy.
Oh, wow!
Wow, you're the artist.
Wow, you're the lucky guy.
Oh, yeah, we were just
getting around...
to discussing
our future children.
Right, but I don't think
you're gonna have
a future together.
I'm sorry. Excuse me?
In order to have a future,
I would assume you would
see the person again.
You're not going to be
seeing her anymore, 'cause
she's my girlfriend now.
- What?
- What?
From the moment we laid eyes
on each other, we had
this immediate spark.
Isn't that right, uh--
Kate!
Kate.
Isn't that right, Kate?
No, actually.
Oh, I-- Oh.
Is this some kind of joke, or--
No, no, but this is--
Two guys walk into a bar.
One guy is a 30-year old
stand-up comedian who lives
with his mother.
Okay. Could we, uh,
go now, please?
Um, uh--
You know, it is women like you
who turn men into weirdos.
Richard--
No, no, don't bother.
Once I've been hurt,
there's no turning back.
Wow, that wasn't cool.
I made it weird.
[ Kate ] It was mean.
You shouldn't have done that.
[ Adam ] I know, I know.
So, where should we eat?
You are without a doubt
the tallest woman
I've ever met in my life.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Could I see your hands?
I've been noticing them.
You just have these
long E.T. fingers.
Like a tree frog.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my-- How big?
Size 11.
Yeah, size 11.
Size 11?
Woman's size 11?
Is this some artist thing?
Focusing on people's flaws?
I don't see them as flaws.
I see them as God's
little artistic choices.
So I guess God decided
to give you this
abnormally large head.
You know what's
different about that?
You're being shitty and mean,
and I was celebrating
your body.
Who you are as a person.
Yeah, I was.
You were celebrating my body.
You know, I like this part
of the relationship, normally.
And what part is that?
When it's new, you know.
You ask all the fun questions.
Mm, right.
Me first.
Okay.
What's your relationship like
with your dad?
Um, my dad's dead.
He was hit by a car
in front of me
when I was six.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I don't--
Just kidding.
We get along great.
Any brothers and sisters?
It's my turn.
No, I've taken your turn away.
Any brothers or sisters?
I have three older brothers.
How many women
have you slept with?
Excuse me?
Oh, come on.
It's not like you haven't
counted them. How many?
- How many men
have you slept with?
- Not that many. Thirteen.
Thirteen?
Mm-hmm.
As, like,
13 different guys?
Yeah.
Spread out over the years,
that's not so many.
Aren't you gonna
answer the question?
Two. Okay?
Two?
That's it?
That's it.
Some of us actually believe
in having full relationships.
I know that might be hard--
Hey, I believe
in relationships.
Mine just happened
to be short ones.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ] I'm sorry, I can't--
You're like a whore.
[ Laughs ]
Excuse me?
You are.
Thirteen. Jesus Christ.
Give me a break.
So, were you popular
in high school?
What do you think?
[ Laughs ]
I guess that's a "no."
I don't need this shit.
I really don't. I happened
to have been very popular.
I was an artist.
I used to draw
all the pretty girls.
I used to make them look
better than they did,
and they loved me.
No, they didn't sleep with me,
but they did, they loved me.
How about you?
You were probably real popular,
with that attitude.
You must have been like
the girls from Carrie.
Nope. No. I had
huge buck teeth,
and bony knees, and
I slouched 'cause I was
trying to hide the fact...
that I hadn't grown
any boobs yet.
My hair was all stringy,
and everybody called me
"Horse Face."
Horse Face?
Yeah, it suits you.
Oh, you think so?
No, I like it.
Yeah.
You like it.
Yeah. What's the longest kiss
you've ever had?
The longest kiss?
You know what? Don't tell me.
It'll make me jealous.
Just make sure
this one's longer, okay?
[ Kate ]
Adam was unlike any guy
I'd ever known.
We were
instant best friends.
Two people
who understood each other
without having to say a word.
It wasn't like that at all
in my first relationship.
It was a bad idea to give up
my virginity to my high school
French teacher.
[ Groans ]
If two people...
who want to be
a couple of them,
it is good when they are
making love with each other...
because if you're nice--
compris?
What?
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Let's make love.
[ Sighs, Gulps ]
We will, Mr. Bossard,
I promise.
I don't think
I can tonight, though.
I'm not really
ready yet.
You are not ready
because you feel
you and I...
do not have
the quality of life
together with each other.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
I am sad for this.
What?
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Let's make love, Cherie, please.
I am waiting for so long.
[ Gasps ]
Will it hurt?
Do not be scary.
I am there for you
needing me.
What?
[ Sighs ]
[ Gasps, Holds Breath ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Grunts, Pants ]
[ Kate ]
Mr. Bossard?
[ Bossard ] Eh?
Are you... doing it?
Oui.
I can't believe it!
[ Yawns, Snorts ]
This was supposed to hurt!
Maybe it's because
I've ridden horses
all my life.
Are you...
smaller than most guys?
[ Groans ]
[ Kate ] My older man/daddy
phase continued on
past high school...
and right into college.
I was not a very evolved person
by the time I ran into Eric.
[ Crashing Metal ]
Hey, now
I'm really draggin'
[ Fades ]
Are you okay?
Are you blind?
Are you out of your mind?
What is wrong with you?
This is a brand-new car!
[ Sobbing, Indistinct ]
Oh, my God!
You could have
fucking killed me!
What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey. Okay.
Shh. I said I'm sorry.
This is Armani!
A $500 shirt.
I didn't see you.
- You didn't see me?
- I didn't see you.
Were you painting
your fucking toenails?
Hey! Listen, fuck face!
I didn't see you, okay?
I didn't wake up
this morning and go,
"Oh, geez, today's the day
I want to crash into some
fucking uptight yuppie."
- All right?
- You know what, lady?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you.
Oh, yeah?
Fuck you!
- Hey!
- Oh, shit! Fuck!
Fuck, all right?
There! You gonna see that?
[ Both Shouting
Simultaneously ]
Okay, break it up.
Break it up.
[ Babbling, Indistinct ]
Shut up!
Hands behind your--
Hands behind your back.
Hit him! Hit him!
[ Screaming Simultaneously ]
[ Woman On Police Radio ]
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
The wrong foot?
You just beat the shit
out of my car.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm sorry about that.
Let's just--
Maybe we can start
over again, all right?
You got any plans
for dinner tonight?
After we make bail.
So, this is where
writers hang out, huh?
Mm-hmm.
What do you write about?
I'm working on a novel
between my journalism classes
at U.C.L.A.
Ooh. Novel, huh?
Mm-hmm.
- What's it about?
- Death.
Hmm.
That sounds interesting.
So, what do you do?
I work a lot with
Big Red Ass Monkeys.
It's a band, you know?
You know the band?
[ Imitates Guitar ]
Big Red Ass Monkeys
are here
I direct music videos.
Is that the one
where the naked girl
swims with a chimp?
Ape.
Great ape.
Right.
I guess chimps don't have
those big, red asses.
I don't know.
I never checked.
[ Chuckling ]
You think maybe...
I could kiss you?
- Maybe later.
- Maybe later when?
Maybe later,
like in five seconds.
Five, four, three,
two--
Lookin' over
my weak side shoulder
[ Groans ]
Makes me sit all night
envision playin'
hard to forget
Dominatin'
the party conversation
But never sayin' nothin'
that she'll regret
[ Groaning, Screaming ]
No bloomin' Daisy is
this woman's kind of crazy
[ Cries Continue ]
No sense of motion
From bells to beehive
I love to kiss her
All highest her
[ Man Groaning ]
Till my tongue is tied
Yes, you're retro-sexy
[ Fades ]
[ Clicks Cheek ]
Ah, I hate
when that happens.
A toast.
To our three-week anniversary.
[ Chuckles ]
You know, I think this is
the longest relationship
I've ever been in.
Well, not counting
Mr. Bossard, which
lasted one semester.
-Oh, God, did I ever tell you--
-Can we not talk about your
high school French teacher?
- It really disturbs me.
- Okay.
- Good.
- So, what about your
last relationship?
Oh, God.
What about it?
How long was it, again?
Five miserable years.
- What did you have in common?
- Mm, nothing.
- What do we have in common?
- We have a lot in common.
Like what?
Like...
how many people do you know
who can comfortably have sex
in public places?
Every guy I've ever met.
Morning. You know what day
today is, don't you?
What?
Sunday morning.
My turn.
I thought
it was my turn.
Nope.
It's my turn.
You know what?
This game's idiotic.
It's not spontaneous
if it's scheduled.
That's not true.
See, scheduled spontaneity
is the key to long-term love.
[ Both Chuckling ]
Ahh!
Don't look so happy.
[ Laughing ]
I like Sundays.
Now, careful, careful.
[ Grunting ]
Ohh, yeah.
Ohh, y--
[ Groans ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
Uh, I'm not
getting that.
They can wait. Come on.
You get it or you're
not gettin' it.
I can't get it.
All right.
[ Imitating
Schwarzenegger ]
I'll be back.
[ Doorbell Continues
Ringing ]
Just don't lose
your concentration, okay?
[ Kate Chuckles ]
Oh, where are
you going, huh?
[ Laughing ]
Oh, now you want some,
don't you?
[ Growling ]
Just hold that thought,
okay?
Daddy!
- Daddy, guess what? I got
a kitty and I named him--
- We're gonna go.
Come on, sweet.
Come with mommy.
It's not what it looks like.
- Mel, will you wait?
Mel?
- [ Daughter Crying ]
Kate. Kate!
I can expla--
Kate!
Will you come back?
I'm trying to tell you--
[ Sobbing ]
Will you stop?
Will you stop?
What are you?
I understand
how you feel, okay?
No, no.
No, you don't. You have
no idea how anyone feels.
You're a sociopath.
Look, I'm planning on
getting a divorce!
Don't ever touch me.
Kate!
Daddy!
[ Crying ]
[ Kate ] Even when
bad relationships end,
the pain can be severe enough
to screw you up for years.
We all pick up
a little baggage
after every breakup.
The hope is
that when the bags
start to accumulate,
we're still able
to drag them into
the next relationship.
Fortunately, when Adam and I
moved in together,
my carry-on baggage
was fairly light.
[ Door Opening ]
I was going to put
Paul's Entrails in the bedroom.
That's better for the bathroom.
If you want
to be obvious.
Okay. Whatever you want.
[ Laughs ]
I love you,
horse face.
I love you, too.
I love you. I mean,
I love you more than
I've ever loved anybody...
ever... in my life.
Where are you goin'?
Kate?
Oh, God.
Okay. Say it.
Why do you want me
to say it again?
Because it was cute,
and I want
that cute moment
saved forever.
Honey, I--
It's not gonna sound cute.
It's gonna sound forced.
And I'm irritated,
so could we just--
Just say it.
- I love you.
- [ Laughs ]
- "Horse face."
- I love you, horse face.
I love you too.
Now strip.
Strip?
Strip.
Put the--
Put the toy away, and we'll--
Go on.
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Come on.
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Take it off. Come on!
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Whip it out.
Do it now, ha
Yea, hey
- Hey, once I was
a boogie singer
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Playin' in
a rock 'n' roll band
I never had
no problems, yeah
Burnin' down
the one-night stands
When everything
around me, yeah
Got to stop
from feelin' so low
Then I decided quickly
Yes, I did
To disco down
and check out the show
Yeah, they were dancin'
and singin' and movin'
to the groovin'
[ Fades ]
When you finally get
to share your lonely bed
with the one you love,
life just doesn't
get any better.
Oh, God.
Ow, baby.
[ Chuckling ]
That was not me!
Stop. Stop it.
Come on.
That was you.
That's the first time
you ever--
That was your first fart.
Come here, baby.
That was
your first fart.
You do love me.
[ Laughing ]
Don't blame it on me.
That's so cute.
You're embarrassed.
Come here. Come here.
No woman has ever farted
in front of me before.
[ Man ]
Under the light of the moon
Mother Earth
Will fall asleep so soon
Dream of many a thing
Before she'll
slowly wake up
And then
We're all touring
for the morning train
'Cause the alarm clock
overslept again
And when the day is done
the battle's won
But she'll never know
What's goin' on
Get up, stay down
Get pushed around
[ Door Creaking,
Closing ]
Hi.
[ Weakly ]
Hi.
- Hi.
- What?
- What?
- Why are you smiling
at me like that?
Because it's our
one-year anniversary.
You should be smiling too.
[ Sighs ]
- Well, I guess so.
- Come here.
Come on!
No, come here.
Come on. Are you
a grouchy little bunny?
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I'm going to be
taking you to someplace
very special today.
Where?
Well, it's a surprise.
Now, go fill me a tub,
and I'll take you.
Now? In the middle
of the day?
I'm feeling very, very dirty.
I need a tub.
Forget it.
It's our annivers--
Could you just
fill me a tub?
Come on, you big grouch.
Just go.
My God, it's like
pulling teeth with you
to get anything.
- [ Meowing ]
- Oh, my God!
Are you insane?
What are we going to do
with all these kitties?
I don't know.
We'll make stew,
I figured.
[ Chuckles ]
What are they doing
in there?
What are they do--
They like you, obviously.
This one's Louie,
this one's Murray.
- This one's Steve
and this one is Mordecai.
- [ Purring ]
I got 'em from
the Chinese restaurant.
[ High-Pitched Voice ]
Hi, Mommy. Hello.
Aren't I cute?
Hi!
You're my new mommy now.
[ Normal Voice ]
Bet the other 13 guys you slept
with didn't get you a litter...
of cute little kitties
like this, did they?
I'm pregnant.
You're--
Really?
I took the little
stick test this morning,
and it turned pink.
Pink? Is it--
Isn't it supposed to be
like a plus sign?
Believe it or not, Adam,
I know how to pee on a stick
and read directions.
- I thought we were being safe.
- Yeah, I guess not safe enough.
God, we hardly
know each other.
Oh, we know each other.
I don't know if I'm ready
to be a mother, Adam.
I'm too confused.
Too immature.
Too messy.
Well, what about abortion?
Did you ever think about that...
possibility?
[ Weeping ]
I-- I just--
I never thought
this would happen to me.
- I don't know what to do.
- Okay, baby. Here. Come here.
Shh, shh.
Don't worry, okay?
A lot of people would think
this is the world's
greatest anniversary present.
Really?
What do you think?
I tell you what
I think. I think that
our baby would be...
the cutest little thing
that ever walked around
in poo-poo pants.
[ Chuckles ]
You wouldn't be scared?
Of what? Of doing the most
natural thing in the world?
Of bringing a gorgeous little
brilliant little genius
into the world? No.
No, I won't
be scared at all.
What if it wasn't
a gorgeous genius? What if
it was an ugly little troll?
Well, I guess we just
have to pray to God...
that the baby
takes after me.
[ Chuckling ]
We could name it Ned, right?
After my grandfather?
What if it's
a little girl?
"Ned-ina," we'd call it.
[ Sniffing ]
Now this one
needs to be changed.
I want you to practice
and show me what a good mama
you're going to be.
God, my stomach is huge.
[ Adam Grunts ]
I look like Buddha.
It hasn't changed. You're
the same as you've always been.
So I've always had
a Buddha gut?
Will you calm down?
You've been pregnant a month.
The baby's the size
of a sea monkey.
Pretty soon you'll look like
you swallowed a Volkswagen.
Yeah, well, you have
an abnormally large head.
Come on, horse face.
Get over here.
[ Patting Pillow ]
Come on.
Let's see
what we got here.
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Ned says he wants
a womb with a view.
Ned's not very funny.
Ned's just a fetus.
We should cut Ned
a little slack.
And I think you're
more beautiful than ever.
[ Man ]
Forget what you don't have
Kate?
Forget that you don't
Kate?
Just forget it
Kate?
Forget that you're afraid
Kate?
[ Kate Weeping ]
Forget that you are
Kate?
[ Knocking ]
You okay, baby?
In a panic
You okay?
Forget that you're alone
What's wrong, baby?
What's wrong?
Everyone's alone
Uh, uh--
[ Sobbing ]
I'm bleeding.
Oh, God.
No, no, something's wrong.
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
Something's wrong.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna look at it.
[ Continues ]
We're gonna go.
Where's your robe, baby?
Where's your robe?
I don't know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Don't worry
It's all right
We're all in the dark
lookin' for the light
The light
Don't worry
Forget that you can love
Forget that you can
Just forget it
[ Kate ]
You think it's possible to love
the same person forever?
[ Adam ]
Sure. Don't you?
I don't know. I haven't seen
a relationship that didn't end
in one way or another.
What about your parents?
They've been together 35 years.
Yeah, they've lived
in the same house
for that long.
I don't think they've said
"I love you" for at least
20 of those years.
Maybe that's human nature.
You spend that much time
around a person,
saying "I love you"
is probably just like saying,
you know,
"cheese sandwich."
God, I hope not.
Katie?
Hmm?
I cheese sandwich you.
I cheese sandwich you,
too.
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Kate ] The longer you're
with the same person, the more
annoying they'll become.
You'll become annoying too;
so if you want everything to be
perfect all the time,
don't bother
having a relationship.
Did you see that
little old lady?
Yeah.
Didn't she look
sad and lonely?
Nah, she was hunched over.
I didn't get a good look.
I need some shoes.
Her eyes were so hollow.
She's old. All old people
have hollow eyes.
Especially old women.
What?
Could we go in here?
Wait. What do you mean,
"especially old women"?
It's a fact. Women
don't age as well as men.
How could you say that?
How many 50-year old
women do you see with
20-year old guys?
That's a double standard.
That's got nothing to do
with facts.
Who looks better,
Sean Connery or
Shelley Winters?
[ Groaning ]
Oh!
It's just nature.
Men have thicker skin.
That's why women wrinkle more.
Shut up!
I know what
this is about.
You're a woman.
You're afraid of
becoming obsolete.
You're getting to an age
where men are starting
to notice younger girls.
It's freaking you out.
Yeah?
Well, you're going bald.
I have the keys!
Where are you going?
I got one.
What do you have?
Just this one about
topless female ninjas.
Oh. Well, let's just get
one, okay? 'Cause we'll
forget to return them,
and it'll be like
$800 for two movies.
And, uh, which one
do yowant to get?
Nosferatu.
You've seen it 50 times and
every time you get depressed.
I like being depressed.
It makes me feel deep
and introspective.
You wanna just hear
what this is about?
Maybe you might like it.
"Nasty, naked ninjettes
infiltrate the mob
and take over Little Italy...
'nunchaking' their way
to mafia don Guido Mantucci."
Wow, that sounds incredible.
Why do you have to come
from that place?
You think I want to
go home and snuggle
as the guy sucks blood
out of somebody's neck.
Can't we ever go to
a goddamn video store without
getting into an argument?
Not as long as you have
such shitty taste in movies.
I don't have shitty taste.
How can you not appreciate
German expressionism?
I love German expressionism.
What I don't like is
what you turn into when
you watch that damn movie.
You start getting all
fixated on death, like,
"I'm gonna die,"
you're gonna die,
the cat's gonna die."
Fuck. Fine, fine.
You watch your stupid
titty movie, I'll watch
my death movie.
You return yours.
I'll return mine.
Fine.
It's her birthday.
One of these
should be free.
[ Kate ] Romance. The most
important part of keeping
a good relationship going.
Be sure to treasure each one
of those intimate moments
you share together in bed.
We haven't had sex
in a while.
Hmm?
We haven't had sex
in, like, three weeks.
Mm-hmm.
You not even
listening to me.
No, I wasn't.
I said we haven't had sex
in, like, three weeks.
Well, maybe it's because
you clip your toenails
in our bed.
What's the real reason?
I don't know.
Do you want to
have sex right now?
No.
No, do you?
Nah.
Is there something
wrong with us?
I don't know.
Maybe we should
force ourselves.
What, like mutual rape?
Yeah, it might
turn us on.
Hmm.
I'm tired.
Yeah, me too.
[ Sighs ]
[ Mumbling ]
Love you.
Love you too.
[ Slurping ]
Don't do that.
You know how much
that bugs me.
[ Slurping ]
I said, don't!
[ Continues Slurping ]
Swear to God, if you
do that one more time,
I-I'm gonna scream.
[ Slurping ]
[ Kate Screaming ]
[ Adam ]
I think it's over.
[ Kate ]
What's over?
[ Adam ]
Us. I think we're done.
[ Kate ]
Wh-What are you saying?
[ Adam ]
I think I need to break up.
What did you just say?
I said I think
we should break up.
No, no, no, no, no. No.
You said you need to break up.
I mean, saying we should
break up, that implies
that it's somewhat mutual.
If yoneed to break up,
that means you're ending it.
Are you ending it?
I don't know.
Yeah. I guess so.
Have you met someone else?
Some art groupie?
No, no!
No, nothing like that.
It's just I feel like...
we're just turning into
this old married couple.
Oh, God.
It's the 13 guy thing,
isn't it?
No! Just shut up.
No, no,
that's what it is!
No, you've been
obsessed with my past
since our first date.
Now you want to start
racking 'em up, don't you?
Could you shut up?
It's not the 13 guys,
okay? I'm over that.
I dealt with that.
It's a non-issue,
I promise you.
Well, then, why?
Why now?
I don't know.
I've never been single.
You know? I've spent
my whole life going from
one relationship to another,
and, uh,
never been alone.
Do you realize
what you're saying?
Do you realize
what this means?
Wh-What does this mean?
It means, this is it.
The end.
And once it's over,
it's over.
Yeah, I guess so,
but--
But I mean, it's not like
we won't still be friends.
You know?
Who said anything
about being friends?
Come on, we love each other.
I don't want to lose you
from my life.
I think you should know
that when you get to number 13,
I won't be sitting here
waiting for you, okay?
Will you give that up?
It's not about that, okay?
This thing isn't working
for either of us.
- You're not happy, are you?
- No, I'm not happy.
So neither of us are happy.
You know what? You're right.
I'm miserable.
I've been in absolute fucking
hell for a long time now.
Will you stop?
- You're packing my laundry now.
- Breaking up would be the best
thing in the world for me.
You know what?
[ Chuckles ]
I feel good!
No. I feel great.
- Come back to bed.
- It's like a five million pound
weight has been lifted.
[ Sighs ]
Can't this wait?
I can breathe.
I-I can think.
Like, all of a sudden,
life is clear.
It's amazing!
I am so happy!
[ Kate ]
When I look back at the love
I had with Adam,
I see a pathetic, potted plant
that nobody bothered to water.
It started out green and lush,
and eventually became
a dried-up little brown stick.
- [ Video Button Clicking ]
- [ Weeping Helplessly ]
[ Theater Organ ]
Breaking up is like dying.
Slowly,
with nobody around.
That's why it's so important
during that dark period...
to keep yourself busy
doing the things
that don't depress you.
[ Organ Continues ]
[ Suspenseful Chords ]
Fuck me!
Jesus Chr--
Kate.
I can't believe it!
Our relationship hasn't even
started decomposing yet.
Who's this?
This is my friend,
uh, Kate.
Kate, this is my friend...
Peaches.
[ Scoffs ]
This must be the friend
that you just broke up with.
[ Imitating Peaches ]
"This must be the friend
that you just started fucking."
Yeah.
[ Dramatic Chords ]
[ Adam ]
Hey, Kate!
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, okay?
"Peaches"? Oh, my God.
What the fuck is
that thing on your face?
Will you just keep
your voice down?
What are you doing here?
This is my movie.
You came to my favorite movie...
to make out with
someone called Peaches--
How dare you?
I want to call you.
Can I call you?
No! No. No.
I'm gonna get over you.
And when I do, I'll call you.
Honey,
that could take days!
- [ Theater Door Slamming ]
- Okay, let's see here.
No, no.
Ooh. That's hideous.
Let's see--
Oh! Here you go.
Kate.
How about this?
No.
That makes me look like
a drug-addicted hooker.
I want to look great.
Like a drug-addicted model.
I don't see what
the big deal is. It's
only Sam's birthday party.
Adam's gonna be there.
Oh, Kate.
Aren't you over him yet?
Of course I am.
I just want him to die
a thousand deaths...
when he sees me with
Jerome Davis tonight.
Jerome Davis?
Wait a minute.
The perverted basketball
player you dated who was
obsessed with your ass?
He was?
Kate, you've got a great ass.
Now, you a big woman,
but your ass, now,
is small and compact
to fit your size.
And yet, if we would take
your ass and put it on your
short little friend over here,
ah, it'd be
fucking huge.
[ Chuckles ]
That's it, I'm gone.
Oh, God.
[ Rock ]
She comes to me
With her mind
On her sleeve
He tries to plead
With his heart
That don't beat
Don't bring me down
if you're ready for love
Don't you know that
we can save this life
No one best yet
to rock you to sleep
I'll meet you there
when you sigh my name
Rock you to sleep
Rock you to sleep
Rock you to sleep
Hey!
[ Gasps ]
- I thought it was you. Hey.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Great. I didn't expect
to see you here.
I didn't even know
that Sam invited you.
I feel silly.
Uh, no.
Mary invited me.
Mary.
'Cause you know Mary,
of course.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
That's great. That's so good--
It's nice to see ya.
Right.
It's good, yeah.
Uh, I haven't seen you
in a while. I've missed you.
Uh, yeah.
It's been a long time, huh?
Yup. Yup, yup.
I'm sorry.
Hi, I'm Adam.
Oh, uh-- Sorry.
Ad? Jerome.
It's not "Ad," it's Adam.
I didn't say, "Whazzup, Jer?"
Hey! Hey. Hey.
Why don't I, uh, give you
a call tomorrow?
Don't make this
a weird thing.
Hey.
I'll call you
tomorrow, okay?
Give me a call tomorrow.
You can tell me all about
your new girlfriend.
Or page me,
'cause my shit's blowing up now,
'cause I got-- Oh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Why don't you call me?
Okay, I will.
Just call me up.
I'm running around a lot--
I'll call you tomorrow.
Star 82 so
I know it's you, 'cause
I'm screening-- You know.
Okay.
I'll get it.
[ Smooching ]
Hey!
Hey.
[ Embarrassed
Chuckling ]
That was really
weird last night.
I know.
That's not cool.
Okay?
No.
So you're in love?
I think I should be
asking you that question.
Why?
Because you couldn't
keep your tongue out
of Lolita's mouth last night.
Don't tell me about tongues.
Michael Jordan was gonna suck
the tonsils out of your throat.
Where did you find
that guy, anyway?
Let's just not get into
one of these things, okay?
You're the one
that's bringing it up.
I'm ready to be mature.
Me too. I can do it.
Absolutely.
Okay?
But how could you go out
with that freak of nature?
- How could you go out
with such a bimbo?
- Savannah is not a bimbo.
She happens to
play the harp.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, uh, excuse me.
A bimbo savant.
At least
I'm not having...
a fucking hot tub party
with Dennis Rodman.
I can't believe
you're jealous.
I'm not jealous. Don't--
You are!
Stop, okay?
I don't like her.
I don't love her.
I'm probably not going
to see that girl again.
Adam! Adam.
Hey.
- Hi!
- Hi, I was waiting for you
across the street.
Coffee shop.
It's uh, noon. Right?
We're supposed to be--
Well, my heart wasn't in it
early, so, um,
I bought myself
some new underwear.
[ Chuckles ]
O-Kay.
- I'm Savannah.
- Kate.
- I know. Adam told me
all about you last night.
- Really?
Um, Savannah, why don't you
go back to the coffee shop
and wait for me?
I'll be there at noon.
And get me a mochaccino.
Oh. No problem.
No problem.
I'll let you two catch up.
Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
- It's Kate.
- Oh. I meant Kate.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
[ Heavy Breathing,
Smooching ]
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Noon.
Bye-bye.
That didn't feel good.
That felt really bad.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- No, no. Don't be.
I mean, it's the kind of thing
we have to get used to.
I have to go
and throw up now.
Don't, uh, Kate.
I miss you so much.
All right?
Y-You're my best friend.
You're the only one
I feel normal around.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Hopefully, over time,
we'll still--
This is all gonna work out.
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I promise it will.
We just have to let go
of those old, you know,
feelings we had.
Right.
Okay?
So, this Jerome guy.
Did he have, like--
Was he just, like, huge?
I just wanted to know,
like as a friend.
Is that bad for a friend?
Was it like,
"Oh, a nice surprise" big?
Or was it like,
"You better just
take me home now" big?
[ Both Laughing ]
Was it like,
"I'm in over my head" big?
[ Kate ]
As you move on
in your search for love,
sex is the fastest way
to erase the past.
Promise you'll
never leave me.
I promise.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
[ Groans ]
Great. My only sex
I've had in months,
and it's with you.
[ Meows ]
[ Bell Rings ]
[ Kate ] Being single again
may be difficult,
but it can
also be empowering.
After my breakup,
I got out of the house
as often as I could,
going to places that took
my mind off my loneliness.
[ Clears Throat ]
Excuse me.
I'm looking for
sort of a-- a joke gift for
a friend of mine's birthday.
What's the kinkiest stuff
you have?
Depends.
You mean, kinky up-the-butt
kind of kinky,
or just white-bread kinky?
Just white-bread kinky,
please.
Dildo aisle.
Thank you.
Uh, it's a butt plug.
Some guys like to...
put it up their butts.
[ Chuckles ]
- Great, thanks.
- [ Clattering ]
[ Chuckling Softly ]
So, um, what's
a nice girl like you doing
at Earl's Pornorama?
I'm here, uh, to buy
a joke gift for a friend.
Okay? I'm not here
to talk to, uh, guys
in trench coats.
Why are you so nervous?
Are you attracted to me?
Oh, God.
That is so arrogant.
I-I just happen to be
a little uncomfortable,
because I'm picking up
plastic dicks with some guy--
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?
Could be.
Oh, God!
[ Chuckling ]
Aren't you that guy, uh--
Aren't you
in movies with, like,
topless ninja girls?
Yeah. Yeah, I've done
a lot since then. That was
some of my earlier stuff.
I'm, uh, I'm--
[ Chuckling ]
Ooh.
[ Chuckling ]
I'm Joey Santino.
I know.
My ex-boyfriend forced me
to watch all your movies.
Forced you to?
Yeah, well,
he loves you.
Yeah?
Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, not after
we fall in love,
he won't.
Oh, no.
I don't date actors.
[ Rock ]
All over you
All over me
The sun, the fields
the sky
I've often tried
to hold the sea
The sun, the fields
the tide
Baby now
Lay me down
Baby now, baby now
Lay me down, lay me down
[ Kate ]
Joey wasn't very bright,
but I loved his innocence.
I was going through
my nonjudgmental phase,
and I didn't want
to push people away for saying
the occasional stupid thing.
I love you.
[ Chuckling ] We've only
known each other for 14 hours.
I know. I loved you
in the first hour,
but I waited 13 more
to tell you.
No, you just think
you're in love with me, because
we've been having sex nonstop.
How can you be
so cynical?
I've never felt this way
in my entire life.
You're the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.
You see, this is why
I don't date actors.
And you don't have
to say you love me back.
I just want you
to know how I feel.
That's all.
Okay.
Unless you want to.
I mean, I won't stop you
from saying...
that you love me
if you want to.
Okay.
I like you
a lot, though.
Yeah?
Okay.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.
Oh, hey, Adam.
What's up?
Nothin' much.
Haven't seen you
in a couple weeks.
Wanna grab some dinner
tomorrow night?
Oh, that's so sweet,
but I can't.
I'm going out.
Oh. What about Friday?
Wanna see a movie on Friday?
No, I can't.
I'm going to Malibu
for the weekend.
Malibu.
What's in Malibu?
A big beach.
Oh, yes, I saw that
in the Thomas Guide once.
Who ya goin' with?
Just some guy.
You don't know him.
He's got a house
out there.
Oh, you like him?
What's with
all the questions?
No reason. I just
wanna know if you like
this rich Malibu guy.
Yeah, I like him.
Do you like him a lot?
Yeah, he's nice.
Hello?
Do you love him?
I think so, yeah.
I mean, we've been spending
almost every day together
for the last couple weeks.
That's great.
That's great for you.
You know what? I gotta run.
'Cause I got a date
with-- with an actress,
you know.
I'll call you when I get back.
We'll have lunch or something.
- Sure. Great.
- [ Phone Beeps ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
I can't take it.
I can't--
What?
I can't-- I cannot--
I can't take it.
I can't-- I can't take it.
I can't.
Just get in here.
I just-- I thought--
You know, I thought
I was over you.
I thought I was done.
I thought-- Oh, God,
this is horrible!
Horrible. Oh, God.
[ Stammering ]
Don't go to Malibu.
Please, don't go to Malibu.
Are you out of your mind?
This is a joke, right?
This is not a joke.
This is--
This is not.
What's wrong with you?
You've been dating women
nonstop since we broke up,
and this is the first guy
I've even gotten close to.
I know. I was wrong.
What can I say?
I was wrong.
I was silly.
I was stupid.
I was wrong.
I didn't know how I felt
about you until right now.
- What happened to the date
with the actress?
- It's canceled. It's over.
God, you shouldn't have
because Joey's on his way.
Joey?
His name is Joey.
You're-- How could you
date a guy named Joey?
Please, don't date him
anymore. Let's get
back together again.
I love you.
Let's have babies.
Would you stop acting
like an insane person?
Why don't you go home
and relax or something?
I love you.
- It's just some weird thing
you're going through.
- Could you tell me one thing?
- What?
- What's his last name?
Just-- What--
Just tell me
his last name.
Um, Santino.
Oh, Santino.
That's per--
That's like-- Joey?
Not Joey Santino.
The actor?
My-- The titty ninja--
You fucking hate him!
Actually, he's really
a very good actor.
I mean, clearly
you haven't seen
any of his later work.
What the fuck are you
talking about?
His later work.
Motherfucker!
You haven't seen--
Oh, my God!
You're kidding me.
How could you-- He's--
You-- How do you--
Adam, you have to go.
You weren't supposed
to fall in love.
Oh, quit being
such a hypocrite.
A hyp-- I'm not a--
I'm a guy. I fuck.
I don't fall in love.
Well, maybe you don't.
Oh, you think
Mr. Italian,
uh, fuckin', uh,
yeah, he loves you?
I don't think so.
Whatever.
You know what?
I'm fuckin' outta here.
Fuckin' horseshit.
[ Door Opens ]
Don't fucking call!
[ Door Closes ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Ring ]
[ Bongo Drums ]
Are you
Miss Kate Wells?
Yeah.
I have a message for you
from Adam Levy.
- [ Bongo Drums ]
- Even though
we're only pals
Only pals
Only pals
I don't like
the other gals
You're my baby
Don't go out
with that dumb guy
That dumb guy
That dumb guy
If you do
I'll start to cry
You're my baby
- Yeah!
- [ Chuckles ]
Now, Mr. Levy
would like you to have...
an autographed picture
of himself.
[ Chuckles ]
And this.
Hold on.
It gets better.
Cheese sandwich.
Thank you.
[ Humming ]
[ Kiss ]
[ Humming ]
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello.
Did the little guy sing?
- What do you think?
- You got my picture up?
Adam.
Next to the boys?
Yes, I got the sandwich,
and I got your picture.
Can you just stop
torturing me?
Come over.
Get rid of him.
We'll sport, we'll spoon,
we'll do it all.
We'll lay around
like walruses all day.
- Adam?
- What are you wearing?
Oh!
God, it's beautiful here.
Are you talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
There's nobody else here.
Are you talkin' to me?
Who the fuck
do you think
you're talkin' to?
Huh? De Niro!
Right.
De Niro.
He's the best.
I swear I love him.
He's... De Niro.
Yeah, I'm--
He's a good actor.
[ Laughs ]
Goo-- Good?
Are you--
Good?
I mean,
we're talkin' about
Robert De Niro here.
"Good."
[ Laughs ]
I mean, come on.
He's a-- He's a--
Peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches,
they're good.
Asparagus is good.
De Niro--
[ Laughs ]
I mean, like,
Cape Fear.
[ Imitating Robert De Niro ]
Oh, counselor.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
See, I ain't no white trash
piece of shit.
I'm better than you all.
See, I can outlearn you.
I can outread you.
I can outthink you,
and I can out-philosophize you,
and I'm gonna outlast you.
[ Chuckles ]
Huh? That's good. Right?
And-- And Raging Bull,
which-- which is the greatest
performance of all time.
- [ Gasps, Coughs ]
- Don't get me down, Ryan.
Don't get me down.
Hey.
You all right? Huh?
I know the Heimlich.
[ Coughing ]
Why you tryin' to ruin
my relationship?
Your nose is so cute.
You never tried
to get me back before.
What ego trip
are you on?
Can I kiss it?
What?
Your nose.
Adam, stop screwing up
my life! I'm involved
with somebody else!
Marry me? Please.
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, I'm lis--
I get it. Don't worry.
I broke up with you
because I was inexperienced.
You were the third
relationship I was in.
How was I supposed
to know that that was
going to be the one?
Adam.
I was number fourteen for you.
You were number three for me.
You can't--
Marry me.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, all right?
I can't live with this kind
of mistake in my life.
Don't you see?
This is really bad timing.
You can't just wait
until I'm heavily involved
with somebody else...
to all of a sudden
propose marriage
or profess your love to me.
I'll change.
How does that sound?
We're gonna make up a contract.
Everything
you don't like about me,
I'm gonna change.
We're gonna make--
Death penalty.
You're against it.
I'm for it.
I'm against it now.
We're gonna sing "Kumbaya."
We're gonna do candlelight
vigils at the prison.
I don't want you to change.
You're right.
I'm not gonna change.
I'm enough,
and I learned that from you.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna fly.
We're gonna take trips.
I'm gonna go to therapy.
Get over my fear
of airplanes and go
anyplace you wanna go.
Adam, stop it.
Stop it right now.
All right.
Well, let me just
ask you, then.
Just straight out.
All kidding aside.
Katie...
will you marry me?
No.
Well, um, well,
I won't torture you
anymore, then.
I, uh, you know,
you're happy.
I'm happy you're happy.
I made you miserable,
and I'm sorry.
No.
No, but I just want you
to know something.
- What?
- I-I can't be friends.
I'm just--
I'm too weak.
Adam.
I mean, I can't
even be around you.
You're sitting here
like this incredibly
juicy ham sandwich...
that I just wanna
stuff in my mouth
and I can't...
because, like,
my lips are sewn shut.
- That's a pretty analogy.
- You know what I mean.
Have a nice life.
Don't say that.
You know we'll see
each other again.
Yeah, right.
[ Kate ]
Is infatuation love?
No, but it feels
like it is.
All those chemicals
pumping through your brain...
can turn every word
he says into poetry.
Did I ever tell you what I used
to do to my little brother
with dog shit?
Uh-uh.
Whenever he did something
I didn't like,
I'd put dog shit
under his pillow.
And I'd say, "Hey, Jimmy.
Let's play hide-and-seek.
Go put your head
under the pillow
and count to 20."
Mm.
Half the time,
he'd get to ten before
he realized what happened.
Wow.
Sounds pretty stupid.
Jimmy? No. No.
He's the smartest one
of us kids.
He's a lawyer now.
Mm.
[ Grunting ]
Now do you remember me?
Hmm?
[ Kate ]
Relationships that are
based entirely on sex...
end the minute
the sex gets boring.
So, if you want it to last
beyond boring sex,
you'd better try to connect
on a deeper level.
I brought us
some cheese sandwiches.
Thanks.
Do you think people
can stay passionate
about each other forever?
Yeah. I mean,
as long as they work
on the relationship.
You know,
don't get fat.
Yeah, I wonder.
I'm not sure it's natural.
I'd like to think
it's possible, though.
I mean, I think that over time,
we all tend to take each other
for granted.
And after years
of staying together,
saying "I love you"
is like saying
"cheese sandwich," you know?
Did you know that
Robert De Niro
is lactose intolerant?
[ Action Movie Playing ]
[ Kate ]
After the infatuation,
chemicals in my brain
stopped multiplying.
I began to get over
my nonjudgmental phase.
[ Woman Screams In Movie ]
Joey and I were gonna
have a real conversation...
if it was the last thing
we did.
I'm gonna die.
Yeah.
Are you listening
to me?
What?
[ Whispering ]
I'm gonna die.
When?
Someday.
Yeah, well,
we're all gonna die, okay?
Watch the movie.
Doesn't that
bother you?
I don't think about
stuff like that.
Well, why not?
[ Man ] Shh!
Kate, look.
We're in the middle
of a movie.
Yeah, well,
that's when I think
about death the most.
I look at all these people
staring straight
into the darkness.
It freaks me out.
Don't you get that?
No. Okay? I don't get that.
I mean, why should I get that?
I don't even want--
I don't wanna get that.
That's the problem.
When two people
are together, they're
supposed to get each other.
You don't get me.
I don't get you.
What? What the fuck
are you talking about?
[ Sighs ]
You know what
my problem is?
I'm a floater.
I float through life
like a corpse
on a river,
bumping into rocks
and logs.
I don't choose my path.
[ Man ]
Hey, shut up!
I just bump into stuff.
Like you.
I bump into you
in a porno store.
Boom, I have sex with you.
Boom! I'm in
a relationship with you!
Boom, I don't think, just boom!
[ Man ] Shut the fuck up!
No, no, no, no.
So that's what I am to you?
I'm just some goddamned log
you just bumped into
at a porno store?
Shh!
You're wearing sunglasses
in a movie theater.
They're subscription.
It's prescription,
you idiot!
[ Man ] Shut up!
Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.
All right, I'm an idiot.
You know, that's it.
It's ov-- You know,
hasta la vista, baby.
[ Joey ]
Here's a man who
would not take it anymore.
You're all gonna die.
Think about it.
You're all gonna die.
And nobody will ever
remember you because
they'll all be dead too!
Excuse me!
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Answering Machine Picks Up ]
Hi, this is Adam.
I'm not home,
so leave a message
after the beep.
[ Beep ]
[ Kate ]
Hi, um, it's me.
Adam, are you there?
Hello, Kate?
Hi.
I-I didn't want to call
anybody else.
Oh, God.
Are you okay?
[ Sobbing ] No.
What's wrong, baby?
We broke up.
Oh, God.
I broke up with Joey.
Oh, that's horrible.
I'm such a failure.
You're not a failure.
I am.
I'm a relationship leper.
Not true. You have more
relationship potential
than anybody that I know.
Fuck potential.
Anyone can have potential.
Are you kidding?
Katie, your only problem
is that you've had
bad timing.
Two people could be
perfect for each other...
and if the timing's wrong,
it's never gonna work out
for them.
Bad timing's the reason
that most normal people
end up single.
Normal people?
Yeah, weirdos and creeps
are single because they're
weird and creepy.
But people like us,
you know, we're single...
because we're victims
of bad timing.
When did you have
things figured out?
Since you fell in love
and I've had to lay in bed
awake every night...
and wonder if I'd ever find
anybody who I feel as normal
with as I do with you.
[ Laughs ]
No. Bad timing, Adam.
If the timing's ever right,
you just let me know, okay?
Okay.
How about now?
You think you're--
[ Laughs ]
Okay, that's cool.
Take as much time
as you want.
[ Kate ]
Love is ecstasy and agony,
freedom and imprisonment,
belonging and loneliness.
It's what keeps us together
when life tears us apart.
So, when you find
that perfect man,
hold on tight,
and then call me
so I can run over there...
and see what he looks like
and laugh...
because he doesn't exist,
you sad, perky, little
optimistic suckers.
[ Tape Recorder Clicks ]
I quit.
I couldn't do
the assignment.
I felt like a fraud
since my first day here.
Everything I've written
has been crap.
And I'm--
I'm a total sellout.
I can't do it anymore,
and I'm-- I'm--
you know, honestly,
I'm sorry if I've caused
you any problems,
all right?
Wait a minute.
She's way too fat.
Everything you've written
here has been bullshit?
Yep.
Nothing has had...
- even a single grain
of truth in your eyes?
- Nothing.
Your research on blow jobs
being able to cure depression
was completely made up.
No, actually,
that one was true,
but it only works
for the suckee.
The sucker
always stays depressed.
[ Door Closes ]
I told you that.
[ Dog Barking
In Distance ]
[ Sighs, Sniffs ]
Hi.
Hi.
I'm, uh--
no, actually, could I
ask you a few questions?
Is that okay?
Um, sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
Are you married?
[ Chuckles ]
No.
Do you have any children
you haven't told
anyone about?
No.
Do you feel the need
to sow your wild oats...
and have sex with a lot
of different women?
No.
Are you a liar?
Yes.
Oh.
Just kidding.
[ Chuckles ]
Good. You got
a sense of humor.
That was my next question.
Uh, can you listen?
I'm sorry. What?
You see--
you see how I--
I get it.
Just one more.
I promise.
Uh, do you have a problem
with complicated women?
Nope.
Great. Let's go.
Um, may I--
may I ask you one question?
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
Ask anything you want.
Have you allowed
Jesus Christ into your heart?
Oh, God!
If I could have
one moment of your time.
No, get out.
May I? May I?
Okay, but if the next knock
is the devil--
Go!
Yes. Hi. Oh.
Listen.
Hi.
Have you allowed--
Hey, go! Now!
Here.
Thank you.
Hi. Are you Kate Wells?
Yeah. And you're, um,
Rob, right?
That's right.
[ Piano ]
[ Chattering ]
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi. Thanks
for coming down.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Thank you.
You're good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And nasty.
Right.
I like my men
good and nasty.
Thank you.
You got a girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
She's on a date now,
however.
Yep.
So, where's
your blind date?
I told him I was sick.
Oh, yeah.
You're sick all right.
Yeah, for wanting
you back.
[ Woman ]
Go down easy, baby
Go down slow
Take all
the time you need
Got no place else to go
Wow.
That was incredible.
I am very proud of myself.
[ Giggles ]
I did good, right?
Did I do good?
Yeah, you did all right.
It was different.
Mm-hmm.
I surprised you with
a couple of those things.
I know it.
You seemed scared.
Where'd you learn that?
It's horrible, you know.
We should break up
more often.
Mm.
[ Laughs ]
We should.
I love you.
Me too.
Get out.
[ Laughs ]
So with Joey,
what is that now, 16?
Oh, shut up.
Fifteen?
No, seriously.
Fifteen.
I was fourteen.
What about Peaches?
Tell me about Peaches.
Oh, God.
I don't wanna know
about Peaches.
No, you do.
Where do you think
I learned that thing
I did?
[ Man ]
People love you like
a diamond in their hands
They don't know that diamond
like I do
They put you up
in the bluebird sky
Until they lose sight
of you
People love you
like a diamond
In their hands
I always wanted
to chase you down
And like many
I fell in love with you
And when you gave
your heart back to me
I didn't know
what to do
I always wanted
To chase you down
Carry me
Carry me
Back to your heart
tonight
Carry me
Carry me
Through the moonlit
cold midnight
[ Woman ]
If it only was that easy
If it only was that easy
If you will never know
Be strong
and make sure
You love someone
Simple words
in the way he called
This mornin'
Don't look too much
Don't live too late
Just make sure that
you love the life
You make
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
about his life
We couldn't choose
Who to be
When there's a difference
between you and me
Some are too much
Sometimes too late
I'm just happy I have
A life to live
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
about his life
If it only was that easy
I would surely
Try it out
Don't look too much
Don't look too little
Just make sure
that you love
The life you live
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
About his life
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
[ Fades ]
[ Rumbling ]
[ Screaming, Echoing ]
- [ Woman ]
Falling in love is beautiful.
- [ Blowing Raspberry ]
[ Continues ]
We do it for one reason:
nothing in the world
makes us feel so good.
Don't!
That hurts!
[ Imitating ]
Don't!
Oh, poor Kate.
Let me make it better.
Ow!
You're ugly.
You're ugly!
[ Woman ]
First love is the most powerful
because no one's been hurt yet.
My first love
was Bobby Norton.
Everything he did
had a sort of magic to it.
The way he smiled,
the way he talked,
the way he walked
like my favorite actor,
Billy Jack.
Bobby was a movie star.
[ Sighs ]
Hi.
Hi.
You okay?
Maybe you shouldn't shove
so hard next time.
[ Sighs ]
My heart just got bigger.
When I look at you
like this, it looks like
you only have one eye.
[ Scoffs ]
Thank you.
[ School Bell Ringing ]
[ Woman ]
One of the many differences...
between men and women
when it comes to love...
is the need to tell the world
every little detail.
If you do choose
to spill your guts to someone,
just make sure
it isn't Becky Sussman.
Bobby, are you okay?
[ Sobbing ]
How could you do it?
What did I do?
You told everybody.
How could you do that?
All my friends
are making fun of me,
and now it's over.
It's over!
Bobby!
Bobby, I'll tell your friends
I was lying!
I'll let you
hit me harder.
[ Kate Sobbing ]
Bobby?
[ Woman ]
Love is a mine field.
You take a step,
get blown to pieces,
put yourself back
together again...
and stupidly
take another step.
I guess
that's human nature.
It hurts so much to be alone
that we'd all rather blow up
than be single.
[ Woman ]
Clouds from chimneys rise
They're something
wild and free
That river always runs
Away from here
and you and me
Honey child
Oh, my honey child
These stones
are in your hands
Through the air
across the sea
[ Fades ]
What's new, Frank?
Kate.
It, uh, doesn't
make the elevator go
any faster, Kate.
Yeah. I know.
But it makes me
feel more involved.
Are you angry?
No! Why?
Well, I just heard
this thing where
single women...
tend to be
eight times angrier
than married women.
Maybe you should write
an article about that,
since you're not married.
Uh, yeah.
[ Scoffs ]
I would, but uh--
[ Elevator Dings ]
I'm in the middle
of writing an article...
on married bald guys
who can't get hard
without Viagra.
[ Woman ]
Hold me closer
Closer still and
Closer, say I
All the ways I will
Ah, honey child
- You're late.
- I know.
Not a good day
to be late.
Why not?
Because the antichrist
is really pissed at you.
She said she wants to see you
in her office right now.
Oh, God.
Why?
Well, I'm not
supposed to say.
Do you have any
stretch marks?
Not yet.
Damn!
Have a deadline
on my vitamin E piece.
I know that heifer
in accounting has them,
but she's not talking.
[ Yelling ]
Does anybody have
any stretch marks?
Sit down.
Oh, God.
Don't get old, Kate.
Old is ugly.
Ugly is death.
- You're fired.
- What?
[ Into Intercom ]
Get me Leo.
Were you planning on turning
in the article I assigned
after I read that one?
You said I should make
the article my own, so I did.
Kate. [ Chuckles ]
Kate, this is a step-by-step
description of sucking cocks.
Right. Actually, I called
it a blow-by-blow.
Very clever.
"When life sucks, so should you.
Oral sex can cure depression--"
What the fuck
were you thinking?
All right.
So maybe the title
is a little harsh.
But I found a great hook,
don't you think?
When I said make it your own,
I meant draw from
your own experiences
and relationships.
That's what I did.
I know ten times more
about blow jobs...
than I do
about relationships.
I've failed at
every relationship
I've ever been in.
I don't know what's going on
in your personal life, and
I really don't give a shit.
The point is,
our readers still have hope.
This is called
Monique magazine. Monique.
My name is at stake here.
It is not called,
Tired, Old, Jaded
Dick-sucker Review.
All right.
Wh-What if Mary...
writes the piece on
perfect relationships,
and do the little thing
on stretch marks.
I know tons of people
with stretch marks.
[ Items From Purse Clattering ]
Okay.
I'm going to be completely
honest with you here.
I can't cope
with being fired.
This is the only thing
in my entire life
I haven't failed at.
I can do the assignment.
I know I can.
Can you finish 2,500
happy, perky words
by deadline tonight?
- Absolutely.
- Then you are
temporarily "unfired."
Thank you.
Now get the fuck
out of my office.
[ Chattering ]
[ Sighs, Whispers ]
Shit! Shit! Shit!
So, were you fired?
Not yet.
Hey, somebody made a copy
of your blow job article
and circulated it.
Pretty good.
So, you use your hands,
huh?
[ Groans ]
Happy, perky notes...
on how to find and keep
that perfect man.
[ Clicks Off ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Kate ]
We all want to be loved.
Sometimes it doesn't
even matter who loves us,
as long as they make us
feel less alone.
What makes a relationship
last forever?
I guess if I knew the answer
to that, I wouldn't be
living alone with my four cats.
[ Happy Chattering ]
They say you have
to kiss a lot of frogs
to get to the prince.
Richard Miltner was
the most boring frog
I ever dated.
But sometimes, you just
have to get out of the house.
...The masculine
and the feminine--
[ Sighs ]
Boy, we lucked out
pretty good.
My mother's corns
aren't usually this bad,
but lucky for us she wasn't
able to walk well enough
to come to the show.
It's haunting,
don't you think?
What?
Uh, the paintings.
They're pretty disturbing.
- You think?
- If I had a kid,
I definitely wouldn't
put one of these up
in his bedroom.
Unless I hated him.
My father would have
hung stuff like this
from my ceilings.
He hated me.
You know, my mother
hated me too.
She used to tell me
I was dying of cancer
when I was four.
Yeah.
Always sent me into
these deep depressions.
Which was what she wanted,
because then I wouldn't
ask her to make me lunch.
Yeah, she hated
when I bugged her
for food and stuff.
Hey, uh, would you
like a champagne?
What?
Uh, a champagne.
Would you like one?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Were you lookin'
for me?
No! [ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
No, I really wasn't
looking for anybody.
You mind if
I talk to you
for a minute?
Sure.
In the corner?
In the corner?
[ Laughs ]
I don't like
the middle of rooms.
It's--
Just come with me to the corner.
Nobody's behind you
in the corner.
Just--
Come on.
So, who's that guy
you're with?
What guy?
Oh, uh, Richard?
He's a stand-up comedian.
Yeah, he seems funny.
Is he your boyfriend?
Richard? No.
No, he's 30 years old, and
he lives with his mother.
So what do you think
of the paintings?
I love the style, but
I think they're immature.
Immature?
Mm-hmm.
- What makes you say that?
- Look at that one over there.
- Yeah?
- What the hell's
that supposed to mean?
That? I think
that one's supposed to mean
that there's a woman...
pulling a severed head
out of her ass.
What's the point?
What do I learn from it?
[ Chuckles ]
Maybe that's it.
Maybe there's no point.
You're not supposed
to learn anything.
I wonder what
the artist looks like.
He must be pretty scary
with shit like that
coming out of his head.
Maybe he has a highly-developed
dark side that you might not be
in contact with.
How long did it take you
to paint that one?
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, gosh.
There you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
You are a doll!
Look at this. Thank you.
Uh, Richard,
Adam Levy.
Oh, wow!
Wow, you're the artist.
Wow, you're the lucky guy.
Oh, yeah, we were just
getting around...
to discussing
our future children.
Right, but I don't think
you're gonna have
a future together.
I'm sorry. Excuse me?
In order to have a future,
I would assume you would
see the person again.
You're not going to be
seeing her anymore, 'cause
she's my girlfriend now.
- What?
- What?
From the moment we laid eyes
on each other, we had
this immediate spark.
Isn't that right, uh--
Kate!
Kate.
Isn't that right, Kate?
No, actually.
Oh, I-- Oh.
Is this some kind of joke, or--
No, no, but this is--
Two guys walk into a bar.
One guy is a 30-year old
stand-up comedian who lives
with his mother.
Okay. Could we, uh,
go now, please?
Um, uh--
You know, it is women like you
who turn men into weirdos.
Richard--
No, no, don't bother.
Once I've been hurt,
there's no turning back.
Wow, that wasn't cool.
I made it weird.
[ Kate ] It was mean.
You shouldn't have done that.
[ Adam ] I know, I know.
So, where should we eat?
You are without a doubt
the tallest woman
I've ever met in my life.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Could I see your hands?
I've been noticing them.
You just have these
long E.T. fingers.
Like a tree frog.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my-- How big?
Size 11.
Yeah, size 11.
Size 11?
Woman's size 11?
Is this some artist thing?
Focusing on people's flaws?
I don't see them as flaws.
I see them as God's
little artistic choices.
So I guess God decided
to give you this
abnormally large head.
You know what's
different about that?
You're being shitty and mean,
and I was celebrating
your body.
Who you are as a person.
Yeah, I was.
You were celebrating my body.
You know, I like this part
of the relationship, normally.
And what part is that?
When it's new, you know.
You ask all the fun questions.
Mm, right.
Me first.
Okay.
What's your relationship like
with your dad?
Um, my dad's dead.
He was hit by a car
in front of me
when I was six.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I don't--
Just kidding.
We get along great.
Any brothers and sisters?
It's my turn.
No, I've taken your turn away.
Any brothers or sisters?
I have three older brothers.
How many women
have you slept with?
Excuse me?
Oh, come on.
It's not like you haven't
counted them. How many?
- How many men
have you slept with?
- Not that many. Thirteen.
Thirteen?
Mm-hmm.
As, like,
13 different guys?
Yeah.
Spread out over the years,
that's not so many.
Aren't you gonna
answer the question?
Two. Okay?
Two?
That's it?
That's it.
Some of us actually believe
in having full relationships.
I know that might be hard--
Hey, I believe
in relationships.
Mine just happened
to be short ones.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ] I'm sorry, I can't--
You're like a whore.
[ Laughs ]
Excuse me?
You are.
Thirteen. Jesus Christ.
Give me a break.
So, were you popular
in high school?
What do you think?
[ Laughs ]
I guess that's a "no."
I don't need this shit.
I really don't. I happened
to have been very popular.
I was an artist.
I used to draw
all the pretty girls.
I used to make them look
better than they did,
and they loved me.
No, they didn't sleep with me,
but they did, they loved me.
How about you?
You were probably real popular,
with that attitude.
You must have been like
the girls from Carrie.
Nope. No. I had
huge buck teeth,
and bony knees, and
I slouched 'cause I was
trying to hide the fact...
that I hadn't grown
any boobs yet.
My hair was all stringy,
and everybody called me
"Horse Face."
Horse Face?
Yeah, it suits you.
Oh, you think so?
No, I like it.
Yeah.
You like it.
Yeah. What's the longest kiss
you've ever had?
The longest kiss?
You know what? Don't tell me.
It'll make me jealous.
Just make sure
this one's longer, okay?
[ Kate ]
Adam was unlike any guy
I'd ever known.
We were
instant best friends.
Two people
who understood each other
without having to say a word.
It wasn't like that at all
in my first relationship.
It was a bad idea to give up
my virginity to my high school
French teacher.
[ Groans ]
If two people...
who want to be
a couple of them,
it is good when they are
making love with each other...
because if you're nice--
compris?
What?
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Let's make love.
[ Sighs, Gulps ]
We will, Mr. Bossard,
I promise.
I don't think
I can tonight, though.
I'm not really
ready yet.
You are not ready
because you feel
you and I...
do not have
the quality of life
together with each other.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
I am sad for this.
What?
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Let's make love, Cherie, please.
I am waiting for so long.
[ Gasps ]
Will it hurt?
Do not be scary.
I am there for you
needing me.
What?
[ Sighs ]
[ Gasps, Holds Breath ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Grunts, Pants ]
[ Kate ]
Mr. Bossard?
[ Bossard ] Eh?
Are you... doing it?
Oui.
I can't believe it!
[ Yawns, Snorts ]
This was supposed to hurt!
Maybe it's because
I've ridden horses
all my life.
Are you...
smaller than most guys?
[ Groans ]
[ Kate ] My older man/daddy
phase continued on
past high school...
and right into college.
I was not a very evolved person
by the time I ran into Eric.
[ Crashing Metal ]
Hey, now
I'm really draggin'
[ Fades ]
Are you okay?
Are you blind?
Are you out of your mind?
What is wrong with you?
This is a brand-new car!
[ Sobbing, Indistinct ]
Oh, my God!
You could have
fucking killed me!
What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey. Okay.
Shh. I said I'm sorry.
This is Armani!
A $500 shirt.
I didn't see you.
- You didn't see me?
- I didn't see you.
Were you painting
your fucking toenails?
Hey! Listen, fuck face!
I didn't see you, okay?
I didn't wake up
this morning and go,
"Oh, geez, today's the day
I want to crash into some
fucking uptight yuppie."
- All right?
- You know what, lady?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you.
Oh, yeah?
Fuck you!
- Hey!
- Oh, shit! Fuck!
Fuck, all right?
There! You gonna see that?
[ Both Shouting
Simultaneously ]
Okay, break it up.
Break it up.
[ Babbling, Indistinct ]
Shut up!
Hands behind your--
Hands behind your back.
Hit him! Hit him!
[ Screaming Simultaneously ]
[ Woman On Police Radio ]
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
The wrong foot?
You just beat the shit
out of my car.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm sorry about that.
Let's just--
Maybe we can start
over again, all right?
You got any plans
for dinner tonight?
After we make bail.
So, this is where
writers hang out, huh?
Mm-hmm.
What do you write about?
I'm working on a novel
between my journalism classes
at U.C.L.A.
Ooh. Novel, huh?
Mm-hmm.
- What's it about?
- Death.
Hmm.
That sounds interesting.
So, what do you do?
I work a lot with
Big Red Ass Monkeys.
It's a band, you know?
You know the band?
[ Imitates Guitar ]
Big Red Ass Monkeys
are here
I direct music videos.
Is that the one
where the naked girl
swims with a chimp?
Ape.
Great ape.
Right.
I guess chimps don't have
those big, red asses.
I don't know.
I never checked.
[ Chuckling ]
You think maybe...
I could kiss you?
- Maybe later.
- Maybe later when?
Maybe later,
like in five seconds.
Five, four, three,
two--
Lookin' over
my weak side shoulder
[ Groans ]
Makes me sit all night
envision playin'
hard to forget
Dominatin'
the party conversation
But never sayin' nothin'
that she'll regret
[ Groaning, Screaming ]
No bloomin' Daisy is
this woman's kind of crazy
[ Cries Continue ]
No sense of motion
From bells to beehive
I love to kiss her
All highest her
[ Man Groaning ]
Till my tongue is tied
Yes, you're retro-sexy
[ Fades ]
[ Clicks Cheek ]
Ah, I hate
when that happens.
A toast.
To our three-week anniversary.
[ Chuckles ]
You know, I think this is
the longest relationship
I've ever been in.
Well, not counting
Mr. Bossard, which
lasted one semester.
-Oh, God, did I ever tell you--
-Can we not talk about your
high school French teacher?
- It really disturbs me.
- Okay.
- Good.
- So, what about your
last relationship?
Oh, God.
What about it?
How long was it, again?
Five miserable years.
- What did you have in common?
- Mm, nothing.
- What do we have in common?
- We have a lot in common.
Like what?
Like...
how many people do you know
who can comfortably have sex
in public places?
Every guy I've ever met.
Morning. You know what day
today is, don't you?
What?
Sunday morning.
My turn.
I thought
it was my turn.
Nope.
It's my turn.
You know what?
This game's idiotic.
It's not spontaneous
if it's scheduled.
That's not true.
See, scheduled spontaneity
is the key to long-term love.
[ Both Chuckling ]
Ahh!
Don't look so happy.
[ Laughing ]
I like Sundays.
Now, careful, careful.
[ Grunting ]
Ohh, yeah.
Ohh, y--
[ Groans ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
Uh, I'm not
getting that.
They can wait. Come on.
You get it or you're
not gettin' it.
I can't get it.
All right.
[ Imitating
Schwarzenegger ]
I'll be back.
[ Doorbell Continues
Ringing ]
Just don't lose
your concentration, okay?
[ Kate Chuckles ]
Oh, where are
you going, huh?
[ Laughing ]
Oh, now you want some,
don't you?
[ Growling ]
Just hold that thought,
okay?
Daddy!
- Daddy, guess what? I got
a kitty and I named him--
- We're gonna go.
Come on, sweet.
Come with mommy.
It's not what it looks like.
- Mel, will you wait?
Mel?
- [ Daughter Crying ]
Kate. Kate!
I can expla--
Kate!
Will you come back?
I'm trying to tell you--
[ Sobbing ]
Will you stop?
Will you stop?
What are you?
I understand
how you feel, okay?
No, no.
No, you don't. You have
no idea how anyone feels.
You're a sociopath.
Look, I'm planning on
getting a divorce!
Don't ever touch me.
Kate!
Daddy!
[ Crying ]
[ Kate ] Even when
bad relationships end,
the pain can be severe enough
to screw you up for years.
We all pick up
a little baggage
after every breakup.
The hope is
that when the bags
start to accumulate,
we're still able
to drag them into
the next relationship.
Fortunately, when Adam and I
moved in together,
my carry-on baggage
was fairly light.
[ Door Opening ]
I was going to put
Paul's Entrails in the bedroom.
That's better for the bathroom.
If you want
to be obvious.
Okay. Whatever you want.
[ Laughs ]
I love you,
horse face.
I love you, too.
I love you. I mean,
I love you more than
I've ever loved anybody...
ever... in my life.
Where are you goin'?
Kate?
Oh, God.
Okay. Say it.
Why do you want me
to say it again?
Because it was cute,
and I want
that cute moment
saved forever.
Honey, I--
It's not gonna sound cute.
It's gonna sound forced.
And I'm irritated,
so could we just--
Just say it.
- I love you.
- [ Laughs ]
- "Horse face."
- I love you, horse face.
I love you too.
Now strip.
Strip?
Strip.
Put the--
Put the toy away, and we'll--
Go on.
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Come on.
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Take it off. Come on!
Don't poke the bear
in the zoo.
Whip it out.
Do it now, ha
Yea, hey
- Hey, once I was
a boogie singer
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Playin' in
a rock 'n' roll band
I never had
no problems, yeah
Burnin' down
the one-night stands
When everything
around me, yeah
Got to stop
from feelin' so low
Then I decided quickly
Yes, I did
To disco down
and check out the show
Yeah, they were dancin'
and singin' and movin'
to the groovin'
[ Fades ]
When you finally get
to share your lonely bed
with the one you love,
life just doesn't
get any better.
Oh, God.
Ow, baby.
[ Chuckling ]
That was not me!
Stop. Stop it.
Come on.
That was you.
That's the first time
you ever--
That was your first fart.
Come here, baby.
That was
your first fart.
You do love me.
[ Laughing ]
Don't blame it on me.
That's so cute.
You're embarrassed.
Come here. Come here.
No woman has ever farted
in front of me before.
[ Man ]
Under the light of the moon
Mother Earth
Will fall asleep so soon
Dream of many a thing
Before she'll
slowly wake up
And then
We're all touring
for the morning train
'Cause the alarm clock
overslept again
And when the day is done
the battle's won
But she'll never know
What's goin' on
Get up, stay down
Get pushed around
[ Door Creaking,
Closing ]
Hi.
[ Weakly ]
Hi.
- Hi.
- What?
- What?
- Why are you smiling
at me like that?
Because it's our
one-year anniversary.
You should be smiling too.
[ Sighs ]
- Well, I guess so.
- Come here.
Come on!
No, come here.
Come on. Are you
a grouchy little bunny?
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I'm going to be
taking you to someplace
very special today.
Where?
Well, it's a surprise.
Now, go fill me a tub,
and I'll take you.
Now? In the middle
of the day?
I'm feeling very, very dirty.
I need a tub.
Forget it.
It's our annivers--
Could you just
fill me a tub?
Come on, you big grouch.
Just go.
My God, it's like
pulling teeth with you
to get anything.
- [ Meowing ]
- Oh, my God!
Are you insane?
What are we going to do
with all these kitties?
I don't know.
We'll make stew,
I figured.
[ Chuckles ]
What are they doing
in there?
What are they do--
They like you, obviously.
This one's Louie,
this one's Murray.
- This one's Steve
and this one is Mordecai.
- [ Purring ]
I got 'em from
the Chinese restaurant.
[ High-Pitched Voice ]
Hi, Mommy. Hello.
Aren't I cute?
Hi!
You're my new mommy now.
[ Normal Voice ]
Bet the other 13 guys you slept
with didn't get you a litter...
of cute little kitties
like this, did they?
I'm pregnant.
You're--
Really?
I took the little
stick test this morning,
and it turned pink.
Pink? Is it--
Isn't it supposed to be
like a plus sign?
Believe it or not, Adam,
I know how to pee on a stick
and read directions.
- I thought we were being safe.
- Yeah, I guess not safe enough.
God, we hardly
know each other.
Oh, we know each other.
I don't know if I'm ready
to be a mother, Adam.
I'm too confused.
Too immature.
Too messy.
Well, what about abortion?
Did you ever think about that...
possibility?
[ Weeping ]
I-- I just--
I never thought
this would happen to me.
- I don't know what to do.
- Okay, baby. Here. Come here.
Shh, shh.
Don't worry, okay?
A lot of people would think
this is the world's
greatest anniversary present.
Really?
What do you think?
I tell you what
I think. I think that
our baby would be...
the cutest little thing
that ever walked around
in poo-poo pants.
[ Chuckles ]
You wouldn't be scared?
Of what? Of doing the most
natural thing in the world?
Of bringing a gorgeous little
brilliant little genius
into the world? No.
No, I won't
be scared at all.
What if it wasn't
a gorgeous genius? What if
it was an ugly little troll?
Well, I guess we just
have to pray to God...
that the baby
takes after me.
[ Chuckling ]
We could name it Ned, right?
After my grandfather?
What if it's
a little girl?
"Ned-ina," we'd call it.
[ Sniffing ]
Now this one
needs to be changed.
I want you to practice
and show me what a good mama
you're going to be.
God, my stomach is huge.
[ Adam Grunts ]
I look like Buddha.
It hasn't changed. You're
the same as you've always been.
So I've always had
a Buddha gut?
Will you calm down?
You've been pregnant a month.
The baby's the size
of a sea monkey.
Pretty soon you'll look like
you swallowed a Volkswagen.
Yeah, well, you have
an abnormally large head.
Come on, horse face.
Get over here.
[ Patting Pillow ]
Come on.
Let's see
what we got here.
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Ned says he wants
a womb with a view.
Ned's not very funny.
Ned's just a fetus.
We should cut Ned
a little slack.
And I think you're
more beautiful than ever.
[ Man ]
Forget what you don't have
Kate?
Forget that you don't
Kate?
Just forget it
Kate?
Forget that you're afraid
Kate?
[ Kate Weeping ]
Forget that you are
Kate?
[ Knocking ]
You okay, baby?
In a panic
You okay?
Forget that you're alone
What's wrong, baby?
What's wrong?
Everyone's alone
Uh, uh--
[ Sobbing ]
I'm bleeding.
Oh, God.
No, no, something's wrong.
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
Something's wrong.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna look at it.
[ Continues ]
We're gonna go.
Where's your robe, baby?
Where's your robe?
I don't know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Don't worry
It's all right
We're all in the dark
lookin' for the light
The light
Don't worry
Forget that you can love
Forget that you can
Just forget it
[ Kate ]
You think it's possible to love
the same person forever?
[ Adam ]
Sure. Don't you?
I don't know. I haven't seen
a relationship that didn't end
in one way or another.
What about your parents?
They've been together 35 years.
Yeah, they've lived
in the same house
for that long.
I don't think they've said
"I love you" for at least
20 of those years.
Maybe that's human nature.
You spend that much time
around a person,
saying "I love you"
is probably just like saying,
you know,
"cheese sandwich."
God, I hope not.
Katie?
Hmm?
I cheese sandwich you.
I cheese sandwich you,
too.
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Kate ] The longer you're
with the same person, the more
annoying they'll become.
You'll become annoying too;
so if you want everything to be
perfect all the time,
don't bother
having a relationship.
Did you see that
little old lady?
Yeah.
Didn't she look
sad and lonely?
Nah, she was hunched over.
I didn't get a good look.
I need some shoes.
Her eyes were so hollow.
She's old. All old people
have hollow eyes.
Especially old women.
What?
Could we go in here?
Wait. What do you mean,
"especially old women"?
It's a fact. Women
don't age as well as men.
How could you say that?
How many 50-year old
women do you see with
20-year old guys?
That's a double standard.
That's got nothing to do
with facts.
Who looks better,
Sean Connery or
Shelley Winters?
[ Groaning ]
Oh!
It's just nature.
Men have thicker skin.
That's why women wrinkle more.
Shut up!
I know what
this is about.
You're a woman.
You're afraid of
becoming obsolete.
You're getting to an age
where men are starting
to notice younger girls.
It's freaking you out.
Yeah?
Well, you're going bald.
I have the keys!
Where are you going?
I got one.
What do you have?
Just this one about
topless female ninjas.
Oh. Well, let's just get
one, okay? 'Cause we'll
forget to return them,
and it'll be like
$800 for two movies.
And, uh, which one
do yowant to get?
Nosferatu.
You've seen it 50 times and
every time you get depressed.
I like being depressed.
It makes me feel deep
and introspective.
You wanna just hear
what this is about?
Maybe you might like it.
"Nasty, naked ninjettes
infiltrate the mob
and take over Little Italy...
'nunchaking' their way
to mafia don Guido Mantucci."
Wow, that sounds incredible.
Why do you have to come
from that place?
You think I want to
go home and snuggle
as the guy sucks blood
out of somebody's neck.
Can't we ever go to
a goddamn video store without
getting into an argument?
Not as long as you have
such shitty taste in movies.
I don't have shitty taste.
How can you not appreciate
German expressionism?
I love German expressionism.
What I don't like is
what you turn into when
you watch that damn movie.
You start getting all
fixated on death, like,
"I'm gonna die,"
you're gonna die,
the cat's gonna die."
Fuck. Fine, fine.
You watch your stupid
titty movie, I'll watch
my death movie.
You return yours.
I'll return mine.
Fine.
It's her birthday.
One of these
should be free.
[ Kate ] Romance. The most
important part of keeping
a good relationship going.
Be sure to treasure each one
of those intimate moments
you share together in bed.
We haven't had sex
in a while.
Hmm?
We haven't had sex
in, like, three weeks.
Mm-hmm.
You not even
listening to me.
No, I wasn't.
I said we haven't had sex
in, like, three weeks.
Well, maybe it's because
you clip your toenails
in our bed.
What's the real reason?
I don't know.
Do you want to
have sex right now?
No.
No, do you?
Nah.
Is there something
wrong with us?
I don't know.
Maybe we should
force ourselves.
What, like mutual rape?
Yeah, it might
turn us on.
Hmm.
I'm tired.
Yeah, me too.
[ Sighs ]
[ Mumbling ]
Love you.
Love you too.
[ Slurping ]
Don't do that.
You know how much
that bugs me.
[ Slurping ]
I said, don't!
[ Continues Slurping ]
Swear to God, if you
do that one more time,
I-I'm gonna scream.
[ Slurping ]
[ Kate Screaming ]
[ Adam ]
I think it's over.
[ Kate ]
What's over?
[ Adam ]
Us. I think we're done.
[ Kate ]
Wh-What are you saying?
[ Adam ]
I think I need to break up.
What did you just say?
I said I think
we should break up.
No, no, no, no, no. No.
You said you need to break up.
I mean, saying we should
break up, that implies
that it's somewhat mutual.
If yoneed to break up,
that means you're ending it.
Are you ending it?
I don't know.
Yeah. I guess so.
Have you met someone else?
Some art groupie?
No, no!
No, nothing like that.
It's just I feel like...
we're just turning into
this old married couple.
Oh, God.
It's the 13 guy thing,
isn't it?
No! Just shut up.
No, no,
that's what it is!
No, you've been
obsessed with my past
since our first date.
Now you want to start
racking 'em up, don't you?
Could you shut up?
It's not the 13 guys,
okay? I'm over that.
I dealt with that.
It's a non-issue,
I promise you.
Well, then, why?
Why now?
I don't know.
I've never been single.
You know? I've spent
my whole life going from
one relationship to another,
and, uh,
never been alone.
Do you realize
what you're saying?
Do you realize
what this means?
Wh-What does this mean?
It means, this is it.
The end.
And once it's over,
it's over.
Yeah, I guess so,
but--
But I mean, it's not like
we won't still be friends.
You know?
Who said anything
about being friends?
Come on, we love each other.
I don't want to lose you
from my life.
I think you should know
that when you get to number 13,
I won't be sitting here
waiting for you, okay?
Will you give that up?
It's not about that, okay?
This thing isn't working
for either of us.
- You're not happy, are you?
- No, I'm not happy.
So neither of us are happy.
You know what? You're right.
I'm miserable.
I've been in absolute fucking
hell for a long time now.
Will you stop?
- You're packing my laundry now.
- Breaking up would be the best
thing in the world for me.
You know what?
[ Chuckles ]
I feel good!
No. I feel great.
- Come back to bed.
- It's like a five million pound
weight has been lifted.
[ Sighs ]
Can't this wait?
I can breathe.
I-I can think.
Like, all of a sudden,
life is clear.
It's amazing!
I am so happy!
[ Kate ]
When I look back at the love
I had with Adam,
I see a pathetic, potted plant
that nobody bothered to water.
It started out green and lush,
and eventually became
a dried-up little brown stick.
- [ Video Button Clicking ]
- [ Weeping Helplessly ]
[ Theater Organ ]
Breaking up is like dying.
Slowly,
with nobody around.
That's why it's so important
during that dark period...
to keep yourself busy
doing the things
that don't depress you.
[ Organ Continues ]
[ Suspenseful Chords ]
Fuck me!
Jesus Chr--
Kate.
I can't believe it!
Our relationship hasn't even
started decomposing yet.
Who's this?
This is my friend,
uh, Kate.
Kate, this is my friend...
Peaches.
[ Scoffs ]
This must be the friend
that you just broke up with.
[ Imitating Peaches ]
"This must be the friend
that you just started fucking."
Yeah.
[ Dramatic Chords ]
[ Adam ]
Hey, Kate!
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, okay?
"Peaches"? Oh, my God.
What the fuck is
that thing on your face?
Will you just keep
your voice down?
What are you doing here?
This is my movie.
You came to my favorite movie...
to make out with
someone called Peaches--
How dare you?
I want to call you.
Can I call you?
No! No. No.
I'm gonna get over you.
And when I do, I'll call you.
Honey,
that could take days!
- [ Theater Door Slamming ]
- Okay, let's see here.
No, no.
Ooh. That's hideous.
Let's see--
Oh! Here you go.
Kate.
How about this?
No.
That makes me look like
a drug-addicted hooker.
I want to look great.
Like a drug-addicted model.
I don't see what
the big deal is. It's
only Sam's birthday party.
Adam's gonna be there.
Oh, Kate.
Aren't you over him yet?
Of course I am.
I just want him to die
a thousand deaths...
when he sees me with
Jerome Davis tonight.
Jerome Davis?
Wait a minute.
The perverted basketball
player you dated who was
obsessed with your ass?
He was?
Kate, you've got a great ass.
Now, you a big woman,
but your ass, now,
is small and compact
to fit your size.
And yet, if we would take
your ass and put it on your
short little friend over here,
ah, it'd be
fucking huge.
[ Chuckles ]
That's it, I'm gone.
Oh, God.
[ Rock ]
She comes to me
With her mind
On her sleeve
He tries to plead
With his heart
That don't beat
Don't bring me down
if you're ready for love
Don't you know that
we can save this life
No one best yet
to rock you to sleep
I'll meet you there
when you sigh my name
Rock you to sleep
Rock you to sleep
Rock you to sleep
Hey!
[ Gasps ]
- I thought it was you. Hey.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Great. I didn't expect
to see you here.
I didn't even know
that Sam invited you.
I feel silly.
Uh, no.
Mary invited me.
Mary.
'Cause you know Mary,
of course.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
That's great. That's so good--
It's nice to see ya.
Right.
It's good, yeah.
Uh, I haven't seen you
in a while. I've missed you.
Uh, yeah.
It's been a long time, huh?
Yup. Yup, yup.
I'm sorry.
Hi, I'm Adam.
Oh, uh-- Sorry.
Ad? Jerome.
It's not "Ad," it's Adam.
I didn't say, "Whazzup, Jer?"
Hey! Hey. Hey.
Why don't I, uh, give you
a call tomorrow?
Don't make this
a weird thing.
Hey.
I'll call you
tomorrow, okay?
Give me a call tomorrow.
You can tell me all about
your new girlfriend.
Or page me,
'cause my shit's blowing up now,
'cause I got-- Oh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Why don't you call me?
Okay, I will.
Just call me up.
I'm running around a lot--
I'll call you tomorrow.
Star 82 so
I know it's you, 'cause
I'm screening-- You know.
Okay.
I'll get it.
[ Smooching ]
Hey!
Hey.
[ Embarrassed
Chuckling ]
That was really
weird last night.
I know.
That's not cool.
Okay?
No.
So you're in love?
I think I should be
asking you that question.
Why?
Because you couldn't
keep your tongue out
of Lolita's mouth last night.
Don't tell me about tongues.
Michael Jordan was gonna suck
the tonsils out of your throat.
Where did you find
that guy, anyway?
Let's just not get into
one of these things, okay?
You're the one
that's bringing it up.
I'm ready to be mature.
Me too. I can do it.
Absolutely.
Okay?
But how could you go out
with that freak of nature?
- How could you go out
with such a bimbo?
- Savannah is not a bimbo.
She happens to
play the harp.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, uh, excuse me.
A bimbo savant.
At least
I'm not having...
a fucking hot tub party
with Dennis Rodman.
I can't believe
you're jealous.
I'm not jealous. Don't--
You are!
Stop, okay?
I don't like her.
I don't love her.
I'm probably not going
to see that girl again.
Adam! Adam.
Hey.
- Hi!
- Hi, I was waiting for you
across the street.
Coffee shop.
It's uh, noon. Right?
We're supposed to be--
Well, my heart wasn't in it
early, so, um,
I bought myself
some new underwear.
[ Chuckles ]
O-Kay.
- I'm Savannah.
- Kate.
- I know. Adam told me
all about you last night.
- Really?
Um, Savannah, why don't you
go back to the coffee shop
and wait for me?
I'll be there at noon.
And get me a mochaccino.
Oh. No problem.
No problem.
I'll let you two catch up.
Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
- It's Kate.
- Oh. I meant Kate.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
[ Heavy Breathing,
Smooching ]
Mm, okay.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Noon.
Bye-bye.
That didn't feel good.
That felt really bad.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- No, no. Don't be.
I mean, it's the kind of thing
we have to get used to.
I have to go
and throw up now.
Don't, uh, Kate.
I miss you so much.
All right?
Y-You're my best friend.
You're the only one
I feel normal around.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Hopefully, over time,
we'll still--
This is all gonna work out.
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I promise it will.
We just have to let go
of those old, you know,
feelings we had.
Right.
Okay?
So, this Jerome guy.
Did he have, like--
Was he just, like, huge?
I just wanted to know,
like as a friend.
Is that bad for a friend?
Was it like,
"Oh, a nice surprise" big?
Or was it like,
"You better just
take me home now" big?
[ Both Laughing ]
Was it like,
"I'm in over my head" big?
[ Kate ]
As you move on
in your search for love,
sex is the fastest way
to erase the past.
Promise you'll
never leave me.
I promise.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
[ Groans ]
Great. My only sex
I've had in months,
and it's with you.
[ Meows ]
[ Bell Rings ]
[ Kate ] Being single again
may be difficult,
but it can
also be empowering.
After my breakup,
I got out of the house
as often as I could,
going to places that took
my mind off my loneliness.
[ Clears Throat ]
Excuse me.
I'm looking for
sort of a-- a joke gift for
a friend of mine's birthday.
What's the kinkiest stuff
you have?
Depends.
You mean, kinky up-the-butt
kind of kinky,
or just white-bread kinky?
Just white-bread kinky,
please.
Dildo aisle.
Thank you.
Uh, it's a butt plug.
Some guys like to...
put it up their butts.
[ Chuckles ]
- Great, thanks.
- [ Clattering ]
[ Chuckling Softly ]
So, um, what's
a nice girl like you doing
at Earl's Pornorama?
I'm here, uh, to buy
a joke gift for a friend.
Okay? I'm not here
to talk to, uh, guys
in trench coats.
Why are you so nervous?
Are you attracted to me?
Oh, God.
That is so arrogant.
I-I just happen to be
a little uncomfortable,
because I'm picking up
plastic dicks with some guy--
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?
Could be.
Oh, God!
[ Chuckling ]
Aren't you that guy, uh--
Aren't you
in movies with, like,
topless ninja girls?
Yeah. Yeah, I've done
a lot since then. That was
some of my earlier stuff.
I'm, uh, I'm--
[ Chuckling ]
Ooh.
[ Chuckling ]
I'm Joey Santino.
I know.
My ex-boyfriend forced me
to watch all your movies.
Forced you to?
Yeah, well,
he loves you.
Yeah?
Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, not after
we fall in love,
he won't.
Oh, no.
I don't date actors.
[ Rock ]
All over you
All over me
The sun, the fields
the sky
I've often tried
to hold the sea
The sun, the fields
the tide
Baby now
Lay me down
Baby now, baby now
Lay me down, lay me down
[ Kate ]
Joey wasn't very bright,
but I loved his innocence.
I was going through
my nonjudgmental phase,
and I didn't want
to push people away for saying
the occasional stupid thing.
I love you.
[ Chuckling ] We've only
known each other for 14 hours.
I know. I loved you
in the first hour,
but I waited 13 more
to tell you.
No, you just think
you're in love with me, because
we've been having sex nonstop.
How can you be
so cynical?
I've never felt this way
in my entire life.
You're the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.
You see, this is why
I don't date actors.
And you don't have
to say you love me back.
I just want you
to know how I feel.
That's all.
Okay.
Unless you want to.
I mean, I won't stop you
from saying...
that you love me
if you want to.
Okay.
I like you
a lot, though.
Yeah?
Okay.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.
Oh, hey, Adam.
What's up?
Nothin' much.
Haven't seen you
in a couple weeks.
Wanna grab some dinner
tomorrow night?
Oh, that's so sweet,
but I can't.
I'm going out.
Oh. What about Friday?
Wanna see a movie on Friday?
No, I can't.
I'm going to Malibu
for the weekend.
Malibu.
What's in Malibu?
A big beach.
Oh, yes, I saw that
in the Thomas Guide once.
Who ya goin' with?
Just some guy.
You don't know him.
He's got a house
out there.
Oh, you like him?
What's with
all the questions?
No reason. I just
wanna know if you like
this rich Malibu guy.
Yeah, I like him.
Do you like him a lot?
Yeah, he's nice.
Hello?
Do you love him?
I think so, yeah.
I mean, we've been spending
almost every day together
for the last couple weeks.
That's great.
That's great for you.
You know what? I gotta run.
'Cause I got a date
with-- with an actress,
you know.
I'll call you when I get back.
We'll have lunch or something.
- Sure. Great.
- [ Phone Beeps ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
I can't take it.
I can't--
What?
I can't-- I cannot--
I can't take it.
I can't-- I can't take it.
I can't.
Just get in here.
I just-- I thought--
You know, I thought
I was over you.
I thought I was done.
I thought-- Oh, God,
this is horrible!
Horrible. Oh, God.
[ Stammering ]
Don't go to Malibu.
Please, don't go to Malibu.
Are you out of your mind?
This is a joke, right?
This is not a joke.
This is--
This is not.
What's wrong with you?
You've been dating women
nonstop since we broke up,
and this is the first guy
I've even gotten close to.
I know. I was wrong.
What can I say?
I was wrong.
I was silly.
I was stupid.
I was wrong.
I didn't know how I felt
about you until right now.
- What happened to the date
with the actress?
- It's canceled. It's over.
God, you shouldn't have
because Joey's on his way.
Joey?
His name is Joey.
You're-- How could you
date a guy named Joey?
Please, don't date him
anymore. Let's get
back together again.
I love you.
Let's have babies.
Would you stop acting
like an insane person?
Why don't you go home
and relax or something?
I love you.
- It's just some weird thing
you're going through.
- Could you tell me one thing?
- What?
- What's his last name?
Just-- What--
Just tell me
his last name.
Um, Santino.
Oh, Santino.
That's per--
That's like-- Joey?
Not Joey Santino.
The actor?
My-- The titty ninja--
You fucking hate him!
Actually, he's really
a very good actor.
I mean, clearly
you haven't seen
any of his later work.
What the fuck are you
talking about?
His later work.
Motherfucker!
You haven't seen--
Oh, my God!
You're kidding me.
How could you-- He's--
You-- How do you--
Adam, you have to go.
You weren't supposed
to fall in love.
Oh, quit being
such a hypocrite.
A hyp-- I'm not a--
I'm a guy. I fuck.
I don't fall in love.
Well, maybe you don't.
Oh, you think
Mr. Italian,
uh, fuckin', uh,
yeah, he loves you?
I don't think so.
Whatever.
You know what?
I'm fuckin' outta here.
Fuckin' horseshit.
[ Door Opens ]
Don't fucking call!
[ Door Closes ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Ring ]
[ Bongo Drums ]
Are you
Miss Kate Wells?
Yeah.
I have a message for you
from Adam Levy.
- [ Bongo Drums ]
- Even though
we're only pals
Only pals
Only pals
I don't like
the other gals
You're my baby
Don't go out
with that dumb guy
That dumb guy
That dumb guy
If you do
I'll start to cry
You're my baby
- Yeah!
- [ Chuckles ]
Now, Mr. Levy
would like you to have...
an autographed picture
of himself.
[ Chuckles ]
And this.
Hold on.
It gets better.
Cheese sandwich.
Thank you.
[ Humming ]
[ Kiss ]
[ Humming ]
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello.
Did the little guy sing?
- What do you think?
- You got my picture up?
Adam.
Next to the boys?
Yes, I got the sandwich,
and I got your picture.
Can you just stop
torturing me?
Come over.
Get rid of him.
We'll sport, we'll spoon,
we'll do it all.
We'll lay around
like walruses all day.
- Adam?
- What are you wearing?
Oh!
God, it's beautiful here.
Are you talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
There's nobody else here.
Are you talkin' to me?
Who the fuck
do you think
you're talkin' to?
Huh? De Niro!
Right.
De Niro.
He's the best.
I swear I love him.
He's... De Niro.
Yeah, I'm--
He's a good actor.
[ Laughs ]
Goo-- Good?
Are you--
Good?
I mean,
we're talkin' about
Robert De Niro here.
"Good."
[ Laughs ]
I mean, come on.
He's a-- He's a--
Peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches,
they're good.
Asparagus is good.
De Niro--
[ Laughs ]
I mean, like,
Cape Fear.
[ Imitating Robert De Niro ]
Oh, counselor.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
See, I ain't no white trash
piece of shit.
I'm better than you all.
See, I can outlearn you.
I can outread you.
I can outthink you,
and I can out-philosophize you,
and I'm gonna outlast you.
[ Chuckles ]
Huh? That's good. Right?
And-- And Raging Bull,
which-- which is the greatest
performance of all time.
- [ Gasps, Coughs ]
- Don't get me down, Ryan.
Don't get me down.
Hey.
You all right? Huh?
I know the Heimlich.
[ Coughing ]
Why you tryin' to ruin
my relationship?
Your nose is so cute.
You never tried
to get me back before.
What ego trip
are you on?
Can I kiss it?
What?
Your nose.
Adam, stop screwing up
my life! I'm involved
with somebody else!
Marry me? Please.
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, I'm lis--
I get it. Don't worry.
I broke up with you
because I was inexperienced.
You were the third
relationship I was in.
How was I supposed
to know that that was
going to be the one?
Adam.
I was number fourteen for you.
You were number three for me.
You can't--
Marry me.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, all right?
I can't live with this kind
of mistake in my life.
Don't you see?
This is really bad timing.
You can't just wait
until I'm heavily involved
with somebody else...
to all of a sudden
propose marriage
or profess your love to me.
I'll change.
How does that sound?
We're gonna make up a contract.
Everything
you don't like about me,
I'm gonna change.
We're gonna make--
Death penalty.
You're against it.
I'm for it.
I'm against it now.
We're gonna sing "Kumbaya."
We're gonna do candlelight
vigils at the prison.
I don't want you to change.
You're right.
I'm not gonna change.
I'm enough,
and I learned that from you.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna fly.
We're gonna take trips.
I'm gonna go to therapy.
Get over my fear
of airplanes and go
anyplace you wanna go.
Adam, stop it.
Stop it right now.
All right.
Well, let me just
ask you, then.
Just straight out.
All kidding aside.
Katie...
will you marry me?
No.
Well, um, well,
I won't torture you
anymore, then.
I, uh, you know,
you're happy.
I'm happy you're happy.
I made you miserable,
and I'm sorry.
No.
No, but I just want you
to know something.
- What?
- I-I can't be friends.
I'm just--
I'm too weak.
Adam.
I mean, I can't
even be around you.
You're sitting here
like this incredibly
juicy ham sandwich...
that I just wanna
stuff in my mouth
and I can't...
because, like,
my lips are sewn shut.
- That's a pretty analogy.
- You know what I mean.
Have a nice life.
Don't say that.
You know we'll see
each other again.
Yeah, right.
[ Kate ]
Is infatuation love?
No, but it feels
like it is.
All those chemicals
pumping through your brain...
can turn every word
he says into poetry.
Did I ever tell you what I used
to do to my little brother
with dog shit?
Uh-uh.
Whenever he did something
I didn't like,
I'd put dog shit
under his pillow.
And I'd say, "Hey, Jimmy.
Let's play hide-and-seek.
Go put your head
under the pillow
and count to 20."
Mm.
Half the time,
he'd get to ten before
he realized what happened.
Wow.
Sounds pretty stupid.
Jimmy? No. No.
He's the smartest one
of us kids.
He's a lawyer now.
Mm.
[ Grunting ]
Now do you remember me?
Hmm?
[ Kate ]
Relationships that are
based entirely on sex...
end the minute
the sex gets boring.
So, if you want it to last
beyond boring sex,
you'd better try to connect
on a deeper level.
I brought us
some cheese sandwiches.
Thanks.
Do you think people
can stay passionate
about each other forever?
Yeah. I mean,
as long as they work
on the relationship.
You know,
don't get fat.
Yeah, I wonder.
I'm not sure it's natural.
I'd like to think
it's possible, though.
I mean, I think that over time,
we all tend to take each other
for granted.
And after years
of staying together,
saying "I love you"
is like saying
"cheese sandwich," you know?
Did you know that
Robert De Niro
is lactose intolerant?
[ Action Movie Playing ]
[ Kate ]
After the infatuation,
chemicals in my brain
stopped multiplying.
I began to get over
my nonjudgmental phase.
[ Woman Screams In Movie ]
Joey and I were gonna
have a real conversation...
if it was the last thing
we did.
I'm gonna die.
Yeah.
Are you listening
to me?
What?
[ Whispering ]
I'm gonna die.
When?
Someday.
Yeah, well,
we're all gonna die, okay?
Watch the movie.
Doesn't that
bother you?
I don't think about
stuff like that.
Well, why not?
[ Man ] Shh!
Kate, look.
We're in the middle
of a movie.
Yeah, well,
that's when I think
about death the most.
I look at all these people
staring straight
into the darkness.
It freaks me out.
Don't you get that?
No. Okay? I don't get that.
I mean, why should I get that?
I don't even want--
I don't wanna get that.
That's the problem.
When two people
are together, they're
supposed to get each other.
You don't get me.
I don't get you.
What? What the fuck
are you talking about?
[ Sighs ]
You know what
my problem is?
I'm a floater.
I float through life
like a corpse
on a river,
bumping into rocks
and logs.
I don't choose my path.
[ Man ]
Hey, shut up!
I just bump into stuff.
Like you.
I bump into you
in a porno store.
Boom, I have sex with you.
Boom! I'm in
a relationship with you!
Boom, I don't think, just boom!
[ Man ] Shut the fuck up!
No, no, no, no.
So that's what I am to you?
I'm just some goddamned log
you just bumped into
at a porno store?
Shh!
You're wearing sunglasses
in a movie theater.
They're subscription.
It's prescription,
you idiot!
[ Man ] Shut up!
Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.
All right, I'm an idiot.
You know, that's it.
It's ov-- You know,
hasta la vista, baby.
[ Joey ]
Here's a man who
would not take it anymore.
You're all gonna die.
Think about it.
You're all gonna die.
And nobody will ever
remember you because
they'll all be dead too!
Excuse me!
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Answering Machine Picks Up ]
Hi, this is Adam.
I'm not home,
so leave a message
after the beep.
[ Beep ]
[ Kate ]
Hi, um, it's me.
Adam, are you there?
Hello, Kate?
Hi.
I-I didn't want to call
anybody else.
Oh, God.
Are you okay?
[ Sobbing ] No.
What's wrong, baby?
We broke up.
Oh, God.
I broke up with Joey.
Oh, that's horrible.
I'm such a failure.
You're not a failure.
I am.
I'm a relationship leper.
Not true. You have more
relationship potential
than anybody that I know.
Fuck potential.
Anyone can have potential.
Are you kidding?
Katie, your only problem
is that you've had
bad timing.
Two people could be
perfect for each other...
and if the timing's wrong,
it's never gonna work out
for them.
Bad timing's the reason
that most normal people
end up single.
Normal people?
Yeah, weirdos and creeps
are single because they're
weird and creepy.
But people like us,
you know, we're single...
because we're victims
of bad timing.
When did you have
things figured out?
Since you fell in love
and I've had to lay in bed
awake every night...
and wonder if I'd ever find
anybody who I feel as normal
with as I do with you.
[ Laughs ]
No. Bad timing, Adam.
If the timing's ever right,
you just let me know, okay?
Okay.
How about now?
You think you're--
[ Laughs ]
Okay, that's cool.
Take as much time
as you want.
[ Kate ]
Love is ecstasy and agony,
freedom and imprisonment,
belonging and loneliness.
It's what keeps us together
when life tears us apart.
So, when you find
that perfect man,
hold on tight,
and then call me
so I can run over there...
and see what he looks like
and laugh...
because he doesn't exist,
you sad, perky, little
optimistic suckers.
[ Tape Recorder Clicks ]
I quit.
I couldn't do
the assignment.
I felt like a fraud
since my first day here.
Everything I've written
has been crap.
And I'm--
I'm a total sellout.
I can't do it anymore,
and I'm-- I'm--
you know, honestly,
I'm sorry if I've caused
you any problems,
all right?
Wait a minute.
She's way too fat.
Everything you've written
here has been bullshit?
Yep.
Nothing has had...
- even a single grain
of truth in your eyes?
- Nothing.
Your research on blow jobs
being able to cure depression
was completely made up.
No, actually,
that one was true,
but it only works
for the suckee.
The sucker
always stays depressed.
[ Door Closes ]
I told you that.
[ Dog Barking
In Distance ]
[ Sighs, Sniffs ]
Hi.
Hi.
I'm, uh--
no, actually, could I
ask you a few questions?
Is that okay?
Um, sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
Are you married?
[ Chuckles ]
No.
Do you have any children
you haven't told
anyone about?
No.
Do you feel the need
to sow your wild oats...
and have sex with a lot
of different women?
No.
Are you a liar?
Yes.
Oh.
Just kidding.
[ Chuckles ]
Good. You got
a sense of humor.
That was my next question.
Uh, can you listen?
I'm sorry. What?
You see--
you see how I--
I get it.
Just one more.
I promise.
Uh, do you have a problem
with complicated women?
Nope.
Great. Let's go.
Um, may I--
may I ask you one question?
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
Ask anything you want.
Have you allowed
Jesus Christ into your heart?
Oh, God!
If I could have
one moment of your time.
No, get out.
May I? May I?
Okay, but if the next knock
is the devil--
Go!
Yes. Hi. Oh.
Listen.
Hi.
Have you allowed--
Hey, go! Now!
Here.
Thank you.
Hi. Are you Kate Wells?
Yeah. And you're, um,
Rob, right?
That's right.
[ Piano ]
[ Chattering ]
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi. Thanks
for coming down.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Thank you.
You're good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And nasty.
Right.
I like my men
good and nasty.
Thank you.
You got a girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
She's on a date now,
however.
Yep.
So, where's
your blind date?
I told him I was sick.
Oh, yeah.
You're sick all right.
Yeah, for wanting
you back.
[ Woman ]
Go down easy, baby
Go down slow
Take all
the time you need
Got no place else to go
Wow.
That was incredible.
I am very proud of myself.
[ Giggles ]
I did good, right?
Did I do good?
Yeah, you did all right.
It was different.
Mm-hmm.
I surprised you with
a couple of those things.
I know it.
You seemed scared.
Where'd you learn that?
It's horrible, you know.
We should break up
more often.
Mm.
[ Laughs ]
We should.
I love you.
Me too.
Get out.
[ Laughs ]
So with Joey,
what is that now, 16?
Oh, shut up.
Fifteen?
No, seriously.
Fifteen.
I was fourteen.
What about Peaches?
Tell me about Peaches.
Oh, God.
I don't wanna know
about Peaches.
No, you do.
Where do you think
I learned that thing
I did?
[ Man ]
People love you like
a diamond in their hands
They don't know that diamond
like I do
They put you up
in the bluebird sky
Until they lose sight
of you
People love you
like a diamond
In their hands
I always wanted
to chase you down
And like many
I fell in love with you
And when you gave
your heart back to me
I didn't know
what to do
I always wanted
To chase you down
Carry me
Carry me
Back to your heart
tonight
Carry me
Carry me
Through the moonlit
cold midnight
[ Woman ]
If it only was that easy
If it only was that easy
If you will never know
Be strong
and make sure
You love someone
Simple words
in the way he called
This mornin'
Don't look too much
Don't live too late
Just make sure that
you love the life
You make
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
about his life
We couldn't choose
Who to be
When there's a difference
between you and me
Some are too much
Sometimes too late
I'm just happy I have
A life to live
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
about his life
If it only was that easy
I would surely
Try it out
Don't look too much
Don't look too little
Just make sure
that you love
The life you live
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
If it only was that easy
Who would ever worry
About his life
If it only was that easy
I would surely try it out
[ Fades ]