Love & Trouble (2024) Movie Script
(Roseanne Reid's "In a Hundred
Years From Now" plays)
I've never thought
of myself as easy
I guess there's stuff
I don't want you to know
But you make loving me
look like a Sunday
Like kids running scared
but we ain't letting go
Whoa in a hundred
years from now
They'll still be telling
our story, baby
(Song continues)
KERRY: This whole dating thing
went on for about a year.
And then he asked
if I wanted to go for dinner.
And he was really, really quiet.
And I thought he was
going to break up with me.
We went for a walk afterwards
down to the pier.
He just stopped me
and he started getting
really, really sentimental.
Talking about how the view
was nice and how the stars were
making the water glistely.
I thought that
was really strange.
Never heard a man
talking about things like that.
And then he just
sort of got on his
knee and he pulled out this ring
and I was absolutely shocked.
I was just like...
(High-pitched): Oh!
(Laughs)
It was so sweet.
(Song continues)
But you hold me
first thing in the morning
And I know this is love
I am loved
This is real, real love
Whoa in a hundred
years from now
Choosing each other
won't seem so crazy
(Song continues)
KERRY: I think he's
the most beautiful
person I've ever
seen in my whole life.
There's something about him
that's just so different.
I always tell him
he has the most beautiful ears,
and he has the
most beautiful nose,
even like his lips
and his eyebrows.
Even things like his wrists.
He's got really cute wrists.
They're just so beautiful.
KENNY: Everything about Kerry
was just really honest.
Like, I really hope
I don't fuck this up.
(Song concludes)
KERRY: In the beginning,
I didn't tell him
absolutely everything
about my life before
and about my upbringing
and my childhood
and some of the troubles that
I'd had in my teenage years.
(Underwater burbles)
So when everything
came crashing down, it kinda
made sense.
KENNY: Right, there you go.
There.
I know it better than
my phone number.
Because you have: Number,
rank, name.
Your number's
before your name. So...
KENNY: I never
told her what I did
for, for quite a while,
I made it up.
(Blows)
Because I thought it would, I
thought it would scare her away.
So in that as a joke,
she said, "Oh, what do you do?"
And I said,
"I'm a deep-sea fireman."
(Fireworks bang and crackle)
KERRY: It was
bonfire night and there
were fireworks
going off outside.
And that was the
first time I noticed it.
We were in the living room
and I was chatting away to him.
And he just kind
of started staring.
He just completely ignored me.
(Bangs and crackles)
"I can't concentrate because
the fireworks are going off
and it's making me
think about things."
(Tense bells music)
Well, that was the
very first time I
noticed that things
were a bit weird.
(Voices and explosions
in the distance)
KENNY: I joined the Army at 16.
It was all about being the best.
I ended up coming
top student in the battalion.
I'd always said that
I wanted to end up in snipers
because they were
just looked at different.
And I wanted people
to look at me like that.
But then when you go on tour,
it's a different kettle of fish.
It becomes very
real very quickly.
You are the only
sniper asset for that company.
It's only you that can deliver.
You've got this
added responsibility.
You have to do the best you can
to make sure the people
around you stay alive.
And the people who are
trying to hurt you, don't.
(Gunshot)
KERRY: I started getting
worried after Harris was born.
(Baby yells)
There came a point when Harris
started crying during the night.
And Kenneth would
sort of start shouting orders,
like really
military-style orders.
And then I'd have
to wake him up.
And then he would
grab me by the throat.
And I'd be like, "Oh, it's me,
Kenneth,
come on. Like, it's me."
And then he'd be like,
"Who's me, who? Who is me?"
(Baby gurgles)
Harris must have been
about three months old
and he was in the Moses basket.
I heard Kenneth say: "Shh,
it's alright. Go back to sleep."
And then I could
feel him. I could feel
the movement of
him rocking in the bed.
I turned on the lamp.
His arms were empty.
He thought he was
rocking Harris back to sleep.
(Melancholic
low woodwind instrument plays)
KENNY: I genuinely
don't know how to
trust what I think or
what I feel anymore.
Because none of it makes sense.
Our living room
window looked out
into the woods
across from the house.
I used to see dog walkers
going through there.
And I couldn't tell
if they were real
or if they were
Taliban fighters.
And I had, like, this
unbelievable sense of paranoia.
Just absolute fear.
(Helicopter whirrs,
gunshots in distance, dogs bark)
(Ominous,
echoey whirring and barking)
(Echoey gunshots)
(Explosions and machine guns
in the distance)
It isn't real. It isn't...
I can't touch it, but I have
all the feelings like I'm there.
How can the mind create that?
(Missile explodes)
You feel like you've
got something
vibrating against
the back of your eyes.
I can feel my brain pulsing
when it does it.
I call it "the screams".
I always knew that all this
would stop if I was just dead.
(Silence)
(Baby gurgles)
I was never shown, really,
how to express emotion.
And I trained myself at the time
to not really feel anything.
I'm not a good person
to Kerry.
(Wavers): I'm not a
good person to Harris.
I wish that I'd died
when that IED strike hit me.
(Ominous music)
KERRY: I literally
thought at one
point it couldn't get any worse
and it did,
it just kept getting worse.
I found out he
was cutting himself.
I thought, I'm going to have to
take all the knives
out of my house.
I'm going to have to hide knives
from my husband.
I'm going to have to
hide scissors,
like, like he's a child.
He just became really helpless.
He was sleeping like 18,
20 hours a day.
Just kind of gave
up even trying.
(Ominous sounds fade out)
(Birds chirp)
(Birds chirp)
You get, start getting like
visual images in your mind.
Like, is he hanging?
Is he bleeding?
And then you
just start imagining
loads of things and how...
Because you're trying
to prepare yourself
for what you're
going to walk into.
I almost feel as though
somebody is standing beside me
with a gun to my head,
and I'm just like,
I can't sleep because
I know the minute
I close my eyes
that gun's going to go off
and it's going to shoot me.
I felt like our relationship
was coming to an end.
I actually thought
that it was for
the best that we
would just divorce.
I came to the point in my life
where I had to make
a choice between
either staying
in the relationship
when I wasn't happy
or trying to do
something about it.
(Sombre music)
It's not because
I don't love him.
It's not because I hate him
or he's a horrible person.
My reason would
be that it's because
he's mentally ill,
and I can't deal
with looking after him
while he's mentally ill.
(Toddler babbles)
KENNY: Go, go, go!
KERRY: And then when I think is
that really a good enough reason
to divorce somebody
that you love?
I think that's not.
You can't justify
separating a whole family
on the basis that
he's mentally unwell.
And I can't cope
with his symptoms.
(Sombre music fades out)
(Birds chirp)
I realised I'd have to start
from the very beginning.
I'll have to be the strong
person for the two of us.
In psychology...
I left school at
about 15 and a half.
I only passed a
few GCSEs. I didn't
have enough to get into college.
But nobody in my family
had ever been to university.
(Continues typing)
I hated school
and I hated adults,
I hated them, I hated teachers,
I hated anybody with
authority because I
hated the mentality
of "You're a child".
"Just deal with this."
(Birds chirp)
I really want to
study psychology.
I need to understand
what's going on inside my brain.
I need to understand how
Kenneth's brain works as well.
KENNY: She's
wanting to go to uni and
she's wanting to
do her own thing.
I was just spiteful
towards everything.
I didn't have a good thing
to say about the world.
Even Kerry doing something
that would really benefit her.
And I just thought, "Fuck off".
Your life fucking
turning out great
while mine's just
fucking falling apart.
(Glass smashes loudly)
(Sombre music)
This is my final statement.
I did what the military asked.
I took the lives
they wanted me to.
I was put in positions
where my close friends were
mutilated and
maimed in front of me.
I kept strong,
ignored their screams
to focus on the bigger picture.
You conditioned
me as a sniper to
take a life and
view it as a target,
where I feel nothing
but the recoil on my shoulder
and how I can improve the shot.
I am not classed as a guardian
of my own son anymore.
His name is Harris.
He is three years old.
And you should know
he's into Lego right now.
(Continues typing)
I have tried to end my life
on six occasions now
and I self-harm constantly.
I am a fire-and-forget weapon.
I'm now a piece of brass
no longer needed.
I am no longer
part of something.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: This was his career done.
We really hit rock bottom.
KENNY: I was just plummeting.
And it wasn't stopping either,
the momentum wasn't slowing.
I'm so mentally unwell
that Harris had to go into
childcare five days a week
while Kerry was in uni.
Because he couldn't be around me
and I couldn't be around him.
(Music fades out)
KERRY: As a child,
everybody just labelled me
as completely rebellious, who's
just acting out and defiant.
I just kind of accepted,
OK, I'm a bad person.
Me as a human being is
such a fucking horrible person.
A doctor suggested to me
that I would have to take
medication for
the rest of my life
to manage... my
anxiety symptoms.
Studying psychology
has basically
opened up a whole
new world to me.
Because approaches
to psychology,
like the cognitive behavioural,
they all suggested
that you can control
anxiety and
emotions with thoughts
and changing thoughts
to change feelings.
(Sombre music)
As teenagers, we both felt
like we just had to escape
the mentality of the towns
that we grew up in.
(Seagulls call; Music continues)
Kenneth joined the army at 16.
When I was 18, I just thought.
"Ugh, I don't want to be here."
I don't want to be in this town
and need to get away from here.
I had no plan, I had no
intention,
I had nowhere to stay.
I was at the point
where I thought,
I can afford a 5 bus
ticket to Cornwall.
It's going to take me
19 hours to get there.
And hopefully in
those 19 hours I'll
figure out what I'm going to do.
(Portentous music)
Everything happened so fast.
It was almost like a fairy tale.
(Music continues; Seagulls call)
I was being paid to perform
at the lap dancing bar
and I took to it
unbelievably well.
(House music)
The lights were so
bright on the stage
I didn't feel like I
was being watched.
I used to dance, and dance
and dance and perform.
There was one night
that I was dancing.
And then I just started crying
for no reason.
(Music becomes sombre)
And I just felt like this
overwhelming, like, sadness.
What am I doing?
I'm performing for men
and getting paid for that.
And it was a
weird feeling that I
got and it made
me almost feel sick.
I think I just
wanted to go home.
(Waves crash)
And that was when I met Kenneth.
The Army was his life, and he
gave it everything that he had.
KENNY: I'm really
questioning what
all of it was for
in the first place.
Kerry's asked me if I
would go up and see
this organisation
that work with horses.
(Gentle guitar music)
Kerry really loves horses. I've
never been around them before.
I'm trying to stay
as open-minded as I can.
(Horses whinny)
OLDER MAN: We here are fellow
soldiers, fellow military people
who use horses to help people,
I hope,
get back confidence
and self-esteem
after they've taken
a clinical journey.
(Horse pants)
This horse is
called Purple Moon.
He was bought for
700,000 guineas.
Yeah, he ran in the Ebor,
and he ran in the Melbourne Cup.
He won about
two-and-a-half million quid.
So what? This is, what happens
to his value once he's retired?
- He's not worth anything.
- Really?
OLDER MAN: No.
(The man clicks)
By talking about the horse
and the journey that he took,
you're able to connect
and make people start to look
at their journey differently.
We saw the
similarity between the
racing world and
the military world.
Many of the horses
here have been hurt.
Many have been injured.
What we've got to do when
we get the horses here is to try
to help them with that anxiety.
So we would ask them just
to deal with one fear at a time.
OK.
(Horse whinnies)
Quite a big reaction.
So that's what a horse
would do normally
if he's introduced to something
he doesn't understand.
So what I'll try
do now is to get him,
to get this on his muzzle.
(He clicks)
And I'm not going
to restrain him,
but I'm just
guiding him on to it.
So there we go.
There's a good boy.
That's the release.
(He blows his lips)
So you're kind of
just always quiet and
just bring yourself
right as far down.
(Breathes and blows his lips)
Do what they do.
Because honestly,
you can control
a horse's heart
rate with your own,
once you're tuned in
or their breathing or,
you know, and if you...
Honestly, I think you
can do it with people.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: They're really
hyper-alert.
They see everything.
I can easily see
that a soldier who's in
the transitional
phase of getting out,
doesn't have a
clue what's going on,
anybody comes near him,
he starts
getting really
nervous and anxious.
If you're not careful,
could do a lot of damage
to either himself
or somebody else.
(Music continues)
I am that horse.
I don't want to ever
feel suicidal again.
I don't want to
ever self-harm when
Harris is in the same
house as me.
I don't want to do
any of that anymore.
Change is the natural
state of the brain.
People don't realise this
because they think stuckness,
being stuck with things is
the natural state of the brain,
because it feels like it a lot
but actually change is the
natural state of the brain.
The brain is constantly renewing
all the kind of, you know,
molecular components that
make up each of the neurons.
It's constantly looking for
where it can free up
circuit space to
make new circuits
that are going to
help us achieve
the goals that we want
to achieve today in our lives.
So the natural state
of the brain is change.
So when we want,
when the brain...
What are you thinking right now?
What was going through your mind
in that moment?
Being laid in an
ambush from a child.
Right, right, right.
And when you were thinking that,
were you inside the image.
(Loud white noise)
MAN (Radio-garbled):
Get back here, get them back.
(Radio-garbled voices continue
indistinguishably)
(Heavy breathing)
(Men shout, distant explosions)
KENNY: I was in a ditch.
What were you
seeing in the ditch?
KENNY: My mate getting
brought out in a stretcher.
He's just screaming.
(Man yells)
Ask yourself the question,
am I willing to let this go?
What comes up from your body?
I want to,
I just don't know how.
OK, so you want to,
you don't know how.
So just acknowledge that.
Maybe even thank yourself
for letting yourself know that.
But if you could let it go,
would you be willing to?
- Mhm.
- Yeah?
If you could let that go,
could you let that go and know
that that was possibly the
most caring thing for you to do?
I know it is, but...
I just... I don't know
why I hold onto it.
(High-pitched ringing;
Distant explosions)
I felt like I died
on the 21st of February 2012,
just after 11:00, when I was hit
by the second IED in that week.
When I, when I came to
after I was knocked out...
I just thought, fucking why?
This, the first one, was like a
partial detonation
that went off.
It didn't go off properly.
And then that was on the Monday,
then on the Thursday,
the second one went off and that
blew me across
the track and I,
and I remember getting up after,
I couldn't feel my bottom half.
And then it turned out I was
all right. I was just in shock.
And I seen...
He was hit by an IED,
and killed and I
remember seeing his mum.
(Sniffles)
(Emotional): I remember
seeing his mum.
And Kerry was there.
And I just remember feeling
this tremendous amount of guilt.
And I remember, I didn't even...
I was so ashamed.
And so much,
I had so much guilt.
I had so much guilt
about going to...
About what had happened to me.
And I was all right.
And I was stood there
with Kerry, and I was
going to be creating this life.
And, err
that I didn't even go
up and speak to her.
Or...
Or say anything.
I just I went out that night
and got shitfaced.
(Sombre music)
(Water lapping)
(Sombre music continues)
(Sombre music continues)
(Music fades out)
(Children shout in the distance)
KERRY: At uni,
one of the things that struck me
was a study talking about
adverse childhood experiences.
What I'd been through
actually had a name.
I realised that trying to end
my life at like 12 years old
was not a normal thing.
(Sombre music)
It was the year 2000.
I'd probably just turned nine.
So I spent a lot of time
at my friends' houses.
And I was on my own in the house
with just my friend
and her brother.
He had a full beard. You know,
like he was a man to me.
And he would send her downstairs
to eat her dinner.
And he would lock
me in the room.
It was torturous.
I knew it was wrong.
I absolutely...
Because I said "No".
It was clear as
day that it was...
The whole situation
was completely fucked up.
I just thought
that's what adults did to kids.
I felt ashamed. I felt like
I'd done something really dirty.
I felt like I was worthless
and that it was my fault.
I hadn't even turned ten.
And I just, I genuinely just
wanted away from everything.
Just wanted away from it all.
(Sombre music continues)
I just thought,
I need to... I need to end it.
I went through my
mum's cupboards,
and I found all the painkillers
I could find.
Drank some vodka,
went and lay in my bed.
And then I started getting a bit
scared because then I thought,
I'm going to die on my own.
Then I started being sick.
She could smell the alcohol,
she asked me what I'd done.
And then I told her.
Mum phoned an ambulance for me.
She asked me if it
was a cry for help.
I didn't actually
tell her why I did it.
I just feel like there's
some things that,
that you could
probably just keep
to yourself in relationships.
I feel like there's some things
that don't need to be
like, you don't really
need to know
certain things
about my childhood
where I do feel a sense of guilt
or a sense... like shame
and embarrassment towards,
and I feel as though
there's no need to
go into the details
of that with you,
because they're
quite personal to me.
So I quite, I really appreciate
the fact that you've never
pressed me
and asked me questions about it,
because it's quite
a sensitive thing.
I've got a good idea.
I can... I can put two
and two together,
you know, and you've told me,
you have told me stuff,
but you've not went
into a lot of detail
because I know what
it's like to talk about and,
and go over stuff
that I don't want to.
So I'd... I was like,
you know, fine.
But, you know, I'm here for you
when you do or if
you ever want to,
but I've never
pressed you on it.
I've just said, fine, whenever
you're ready or if you need it.
I still find that
a little bit hard to hear.
Because there is a
part of me that says:
Maybe he likes you for the
version that you are to him,
but if he knew there
was any other version
or any other parts of it,
then he might change his mind.
(Gently inspirational music)
MAN: The work to do today is to
get your unconscious to realise
that you are the
age you are now,
that you are a
resourceful woman,
that you can cope
with anything that happens.
So when this feeling
comes on, on a
scale out of ten,
where would it be?
It's a ten.
I can see that you even thinking
about it, you are getting there.
And the feeling is the last
couple of years, certainly,
is very familiar to you.
When's your first,
earliest memory?
When's the most powerful memory
you've got relating to this?
Might not be the actual
first one but the one that's...
- OK. Just take a moment.
- (She stifles crying)
(She sniffs)
I remember I was
in a situation where
I felt like when I was younger,
I was kind of, like,
lost in a little daydream.
And I felt relatively
safe and stuff,
and it was like that
sudden realisation that, like,
where I was and
what I was doing wasn't safe.
And it was almost
like the shock of,
like, being snapped
back into reality
of, oh, this is actually
very dangerous.
(Gently inspiring music)
KERRY: I know that Kenneth
wants to be a good dad.
That's not quite how it was for
me when I was
growing up, though.
I really had nothing to do
with my dad most of my life.
He actually went to prison when
I was a baby for armed robbery.
He was ex-Army.
My mum was
a single parent with three kids.
She had to work
like three jobs just to
get enough money
to support three kids.
There was no child support.
No sort of relationship
with us either.
KENNY: I want
to be involved with
Harris and I want
to be a dad to him.
But there's so much stuff
getting in the way of me and him
having that relationship.
Because everything: From
the screaming, to the laughing,
to the high-pitch sounds that
they make, just goes through me.
He might as well not
be mine, because
I don't feel
anything as if he is.
(Dogs bark)
He doesn't know anything about
what I'm going through at all,
but he can sense
it because he can...
He sees behaviour change
when he's around me.
I feel like when
he's in the room,
it's just another
kid in the room.
I don't feel like he's mine.
Like I loved being around kids.
And now I cannot stand them.
But not in the sense that,
like, I hate children,
I just, whenever I see children
or I'm around children in a...
I don't know, a close proximity
where I've got no way
of getting away from them,
I start to feel like my
back's up against the wall.
I can't,
I... I was sick of being on tour,
involved in
child-related incidents
that I had... I couldn't
do anything about
just had to stand and watch.
Right.
And you can't take their pain
away. You can't do anything.
They're so innocent to it all.
You know.
They're meant to be fighting us,
but they're using children, they
were using children instead.
Is this all about a
particular memory?
- It's about a couple.
- A couple.
But the one that
I can't get out my head is
like, a picture of Harris
on tour.
He wasn't even,
he wasn't even born.
He was born in... I
came back in 2012.
And he wasn't born until like
March 2013, like a year later.
But I get this, I cannot get
this image of him out my head.
So just before I
was hit off an IED,
I was patrolling along to a
up the side of a field
and there was a small bridge.
Should never have taken it.
I said that, but that's not,
my opinion
was never going
to change anything.
And on the right-hand side,
there
was a little sort
of school building
that was maybe, like the size of
this classroom,
like a mud building.
And there was
two adults ushering
a load of kids inside it.
Like, I have an image in my head
that Harris is in that crowd.
So did you get
that image just now?
It's just too...
It's too much, like,
he wasn't even fucking there.
He's dressed like
them and everything.
Kenny, come stand here.
Right, now...
Look out, you see the hills?
There's all that stuff.
There's all that stuff.
Just imagine that's
way over there
back behind you in the corner.
Right? And you look at the hills
and you think
about this morning:
You went spinning.
Yeah, you went spinning.
Can you feel the weight
of the ground on your feet?
Yeah?
Feel the weight of the ground
on your feet.
And your breathing.
Is there a sense or sensation
in your body right now?
Yeah? What is it?
- (Wavering): It's weight.
- Weight?
- Whereabouts?
- On my shoulders.
On your shoulders. OK.
If that weight had a colour,
what colour would it be?
- Black. Or like a navy blue.
- OK.
Because that's the colour
of the dishdashi he had on.
Right, black, navy blue. OK, so
there's weight, there's a black.
Does it have a shape when
that weight's on your shoulders?
Just him.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: Does Harris
actually know who his dad is?
I feel like I'm having
to hide a lot from him.
Because I'm struggling
on a personal level sometimes
to deal with that thought
that would Harris actually be OK
with me when he's older.
And if he ever found out about
a lot of the stuff
that I've been involved in
and what my job
role was in the Army.
Should I really be like the type
of person that I
was trained to be?
Should I really
be allowed to like,
walk the street or have a son?
How many families
have I devastated?
The only reason that
it was actually OK is because
the government
said it was legal.
I don't even know their names.
I don't know if
they had kids or not.
You know, I don't know if they
had a wife who's now widowed.
I know nothing about them.
They're just there.
I feel like those people
will always be there now.
And they'll always
be part of my life.
Cause I can't, I don't feel like
I can just walk away from it.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: Since Kenneth has become
ill, I've had to focus on him.
There's more services
from the Armed Forces
than there is for
people in my situation.
Most people like
me are either not
taken seriously
or not listened to.
Just before I turned 10, I spoke
to my friend about being raped.
And I said to her,
"What would you do
if this happened to you?"
She said to me "That
has happened to me".
And I was like,
"What did you do?"
She says "I told my
mum and she beat
me up and told
me to stop lying."
Then I went to
another friend and
I basically said the same thing.
"What would you do
if this happened to you?"
And she said, "Well, that does
happen to me. My uncle does it."
And I was like, fucking hell.
This is just normal.
Do we not have a
say in any of this stuff?
When I hear people say,
"Oh, there's no support for
veterans with
post-traumatic stress.
You know,
it's a horrible thing to
have to live with all your life.
They didn't do anything wrong.
"They went to war
and came back traumatised."
Yeah they did.
But how many
children went to school
or went to their friend's house,
or went to a family member's
house and came back traumatised?
They didn't deserve it.
What support is there for them?
The services I had to use to
help me deal with rape and abuse
was a veterans organisation.
And I only got support from them
because I was a spouse.
Alan, as somebody who's been
through some
really emotional stuff,
do you think that
potentially hinders
the, the possibility
to be in a role like this,
of helping other people?
Because one of the things that
I've sort of heard
or came across
in the past is this idea that,
to be an effective coach or
therapist, you have to have,
had a brilliant upbringing and
your life is absolutely perfect,
and you've got
your shit together
to be able to help other people.
Or do you believe that people
who have been hurt in the past,
have been through shit can
be just as effective coaches.
I think probably more effective,
to be fair.
I don't know anyone who has had
that perfectly calm
and smooth life.
It's difficult to relate
to things unless
you've experienced
some level of
negative feelings for instance.
And, when we've gone through
treatment ourselves
or we've found ways
of helping ourselves.
We've got perfect
empathy with people,
and possibly what
they're going through.
I think there's a caveat.
I think there's a
caution that somebody
needs to be well
themselves first
before they're accessing and
hearing other people's stories.
So my job is to
reflect back what
the person's saying and bringing
and reframe it in
a way that helps
them cope rather
than keeps them stuck.
I think some people
are really in the right frame
and the right personality to be
really good helpers for others
who had the problems
that they used to have.
(Intrepid music)
(Muted dialogue)
KENNY: Oh!
(Muted dialogue)
(Music ends)
KENNY: I'm going
to come off my meds.
Feel like a legalised junkie.
I wish I never took
them because I'm
still on them now,
four years later.
When I'd asked: "Look,
I want to come"
off them and I
want off them now",
they were like,
"Right, you've got two choices:"
You know,
if you want to come off them,
we can put you
in a psychiatric unit
for a month and
we'll get you off them.
As in, like we'll
just cold-turkey
you in a room, you know,
"or it's going to take a year
to get you off them."
And I was like, I thought to
myself, this is insane, like.
KERRY: I've been on my
medication for years and years,
and this is just
what people like us
have to do... to
manage these things.
And then Kenneth said,
"Well, I want to
come off them and
I want to stop it all."
And I thought, you are crazy.
Oh you're crazy. (Laughs)
You've been given an option
to lessen how bad you feel.
Why don't you just keep it?
That's a good thing.
(Metallic clinks and bangs)
(Unscrewing)
KENNY: How do
you take this apart?
I'd just strip something off
and be like, well,
you've got to learn
how to put it back together.
Because if not,
then it's not going to work.
I just started stripping
more apart and more apart,
and it was eventually
a bare shell.
And it was like, well,
where do you go from here?
There's not much
else I can do so...
You've got to start putting it
back together at some point.
I can't envisage
another scenario
in life where I'll
get the same buzz
of a guy trying to shoot me,
and I'm trying to shoot him.
(Engine revs and purrs)
(Dramatic music; Engines rev)
(Music fades out)
(They laugh)
KERRY: Let's go
and give him a hug.
I spun out.
- Did you? I didn't see it.
- Yeah.
But I knocked five seconds off.
- Did you?
- I did.
Were you cheering on him?
Like "Go Dad, go Dad, go Dad."
I was doing.
Were you like "Waaay,
go, Dad, go, Dad!"?
Did you really do that?
KENNY: I'm down to 100mg, but I
felt the side
effects quite strong
over the last couple of days.
Today I just took 125,
just to even them out a bit.
I've had really bad nightmares.
I've started getting violent
in my sleep and started...
Well, not fighting,
but I've started,
kicking and punching Kerry
during the night
and not recognising who she is.
(Distant gunfire and explosions)
(Echoey horse whinny)
(Distant explosions fade out)
(Water splashing)
KERRY: So when he obviously
hits me during the night
and then I just start thinking,
"Oh my God, I'm under attack,
somebody's broken into my house"
and then I realise it's him.
So I know that during the night
if he, like, lashes out at me
and then as soon
as I speak to him and
then I say to him,
"You've just hurt me",
he quickly stops
and then he's like,
"I'm so sorry. I
didn't mean that.
I was blah blah blah
having a bad dream."
And I don't want to
get angry about it.
So I'm just like, let him do
what he needs to do.
If he needs to be grumpy
and short-tempered, that's fine.
But I'm only going to
put up with so much
before I need to
kind of reign it back in.
Because when he's being
really grumpy to Harris,
I have to say to Harris,
"How does it make you feel
when Dad's being like this?"
And then Harris will say,
"Oh I don't like it,
because then I think that Dad
doesn't enjoy
spending time with me."
(Sombre music)
And then I say to him, "Well,
Kenneth, you need to hear this
because you need
to understand what the
consequences has
on the whole family."
Like none of us are here
to be emotional punch bags.
I kind of wondered whether it
was time for me to stop as well.
I've wondered what it would be
like to not have to rely on it
and to have the resources myself
to be able to cope
rather than having
to rely on medication,
which, to be honest, at times,
hasn't actually worked.
I've realised that there
is more to the world
than just medicating symptoms.
We might as well
both do it together.
(Gentle music)
- KENNY: Are you ready?
- WOMAN: Yeah.
(Indistinct dialogue)
Oops, sorry, a little intimate!
(They laugh)
KERRY: What I find fascinating
is that you can control
such a big, powerful animal
with just a finger.
They're not
looking for conflict.
They don't want
to fight against you.
They don't want
to be wrestled with.
They literally just
want to be in sync with you.
And I feel like sometimes
that's all what I want as well.
COACH: I'm loving how you're
giving her the
rein with one hand
when you're asking her to
come round, that's brilliant.
So I spoke to Kenny
yesterday about
visualising what you
want to do with them,
but have I spoke to
you about it or not?
KERRY: What happened
when I was younger
it defined the majority
of my teenage years
and my early-adult years.
It's taken up enough
time in my life.
It won't be, it has no place in
my future. Absolutely no place.
(Gentle music)
(Station buzz)
KENNY: Rock2Recovery have just
asked to see me and offered me
a position in Rock
as a welfare officer,
and they want to train
and show me how they do things.
You know, that's something
I want to do.
I think it'd be great.
(Gentle music)
MAN: I mean,
we kind of selected you
rather than you come
looking for the job.
You know that.
Because it has to be the
right person in the right job.
You've got to understand it,
you've got to
have people skills.
You've got to be able
to listen to people.
You've got to be able to
have the initiative and the
the ability to make decisions
and just go and do something
because you know it needs doing.
KENNY: Yeah.
MAN: That's so important.
The mind will do
one of two things,
it'll either work for
you or against you.
And a lot of the
clients you'll meet,
the brain... their mind
is just working against them.
The brain is just ticking over
and the negative side of stuff,
- that's just not helping.
- KENNY: Yeah.
MAN: And a lot of it is just
getting them back on this track
and start to...
Start to work for themselves,
start to connect
with themselves,
start to love themselves,
start to grow themselves.
(Seagulls call)
We don't get to go back in time.
You work with what you've got.
Always. And shape it.
Change it.
You're growing yourself again.
- WOMAN: Welcome aboard.
- KENNY: Looking forward to it.
WOMAN: You've got that
first-hand experience of it.
That's going to be, you know,
stand you in very good stead.
Yeah. Well, I know what
it's like to be
feel like you're at the bottom
and then coming in brand new
when you don't want to be there.
And then actually your life
is turned round 180 degrees.
Don't get me wrong, my life
is still got a long way to go,
but it's a damn sight better
than what it was a year ago.
You know.
See, when I really
hit rock bottom,
for me, it was "How do I
go from being in snipers"
and a patrol
commander in Afghan to
literally, you're not
even allowed
to look after your own kid...
To me, at that time,
the military was
more important
than Harris and Kerry
because they came in
when I was in the military.
And it wasn't... they weren't
with me beforehand, so
they were always
going to come second.
(Echoey helicopter
sounds in the distance)
INSTRUCTOR: Only 47 out of 224
veterans who died
by suicide had had
contact with mental
health services.
Does that surprise you?
ALL: No.
Lots of people have
suicidal thoughts.
They don't act on them.
Lots of people who attempt
suicide don't complete it.
So what that tells us is that
suicidal thoughts are common.
But just because
you're thinking about
it doesn't mean
you have to do it.
You don't have
to follow it through.
As a mental health first aider
that's an important
thing to know.
Because remember,
it's not about dying.
It's about ending
emotional pain and suffering.
So what you're getting is
an opportunity... to prevent it.
That's what you're being given.
If we talk about suicide,
what kind of words
does that bring to mind?
MAN 1: Death.
- INSTRUCTOR: Any others?
- KENNY: The only solution?
Yeah.
MAN 2: I mean, looking at it
from the other side: Selfish.
Selfish is always interesting.
So why? Why do people
think it might be selfish?
MAN 3: Well, the devastating
impact it has on
those that remain.
INSTRUCTOR: So it's about
the people who are left behind.
But someone who's thinking
about taking their own life
the way they're thinking is,
this is the
best thing I can
do for those people.
ALL: Yes. Uh-huh.
KENNY: It hit home quite hard
because I thought
I've put Kerry and
Harris through that,
and it's not fair to them.
And it's not healthy,
and it just shows
how irrational... well,
how your mental health can
take over and how it can...
It seems rational at the time,
but it also did make me
realise that the suicidal stuff
is a very short-term solution
to a problem that
you've got going on.
And look at the amount of damage
that you could
cause by doing it.
I could've destroyed
Kerry and Harris' life.
And you know,
Harris could have grown up
and
what image would
he have had of me?
You know, not really
being able to know me.
What type of life would
he have had because of it?
Could he have ended
up with depression?
Would I have wanted
that for my own son?
You know, essentially
given him depression by proxy,
you know, just because of this
situation that he
was involved in,
that wasn't really anything
to do with him.
He just had... he just was
living with it, you know.
When he said, "What was it
that stopped you the last time?"
You know, and every time we
were talking about that, I just,
I thought that Harris
was what stopped me.
(Gentle music; Swing creaks)
What problems do
you have with Harris?
KENNY: Malcolm
showed me something new
that I hadn't done before.
It was the ability to see things
through someone else's eyes
from their perspective.
This is called
"perceptional positioning".
I said that I was, I was
struggling to bond with Harris.
And he'd said, "Well, what
do you think Harris sees in you"
that keeps him coming to you
"and enjoys you and
likes you and stuff?"
And I said, "I don't know,
to be honest,
I question that
myself quite a lot."
Christmas tree is up
and I don't know what to do.
They're all excited about it
and I feel like I can't join in.
He said, "Well,
if you can imagine"
yourself from Harris' position,
at his height,
looking at the Christmas tree
through his eyes.
"What's that like?"
(Gentle music)
I naturally started to feel like
something really warm inside me.
And then he says,
"Now, just get him to look round"
and to look at you,
where you're standing,
and what's
it like when he looks at you?
Somebody who's big,
somebody who's quite strong,
"that can protect him,
that can provide for him."
And then I just sat
with that for a while.
And then when I opened
my eyes, he says,
"What do you notice now?"
And I just, I just couldn't
wait to get home
and to see him
and to cuddle him.
Something between me and him,
it just completely changed.
I couldn't describe
what it was, but
I felt like me and
him were connected.
I was able to
create stuff within
me that I never had before.
(Gentle music continues)
So it was more than words.
It was like there was,
it felt like there was
a genuine magic within it
that stayed with me since then.
I just thought
it was absolutely phenomenal.
(Engines rev)
Harris, just take your time,
do it in your own time, OK?
(Revving continues)
KENNY: He's there.
Ooooh!
(Gentle music; Crowd applauds)
KENNY: I've seen what
made him happy,
and I felt what made him happy.
And part of what made him happy
was looking at me.
And I felt it when... (Wavers)
I actually felt it
when he... when he looked at me
and when I looked at him.
Just me being there was enough
for him to feel happiness.
(Fireworks explode and crackle)
Fireworks have
got a bang to them,
doesn't have to
mean anything else.
I could see the fireworks
reflecting in his eyes.
Nothing that I've
been through is
going on inside
of him right now.
So why don't I
try and join that?
(Explosions and crackles)
(Uplifting music)
(Applause)
For the award of Bachelor
of Science - Psychology,
Kerry Watson.
(Cheers and applause)
KERRY: I decided
to become a coach
so that I can deliver
the type of therapies
that I know have worked for me.
They've worked for Kenneth,
I've seen them work
for loads of people.
If somebody could
have came up to me
ten years ago and said to me,
"I know you're
taking medication,
but have you tried this?"
Might have saved me
years and years of suffering.
And I feel like so many people
would really benefit from this.
INSTRUCTOR: We're going
to move on to an exercise.
Get rid of intrusive worries.
Does it make it better, worse
or just the same?
If they say "better",
so just keep it that way.
If they say "worse", so it's
on a six, turn it up to ten.
"Oh that's worse!",
right, turn it down to a zero.
That's better.
So who's going to
come out this time?
Come on then, Kerry,
about bloody time.
KERRY: Oh God.
It's something that's
not going to happen,
but it's something
that I'm scared happens.
- So shall we say scared?
- Yeah, scared, yeah.
It's a movie that's been like a
ten-second clip that's
been coming back,
like intrusively,
like an anticipating dread
feeling in my stomach.
Whatever's running in your head
about this scared thing,
we don't want to know
any of the content,
but when you're running
this scared-to-ten feeling,
whatever's in there,
are you in it or
are you watching yourself in it?
You've seen it
through your own eyes?
Or can you see
Kerry in front of you?
- No, it's from my eyes.
- In it, OK.
It's like a panoramic movie,
like, I could see it
when I turn.
Is it voices or is it noise?
No, it's voices, yeah.
OK. Are the
voices clear or fuzzy?
Clear.
And is the content
helpful or unhelpful?
Unhelpful.
Every time we changed one thing,
like, put a border around it,
I almost just kind of like,
was was, like dissolving.
I could... I could feel it
going from like a ten,
down to a nine,
down to an eight,
down to seven like
with every single step,
and then, like,
taking it away somewhere,
like as, like burying it.
INSTRUCTOR: So
when you think about
that thing now
where's the feeling?
Open your eyes.
Where's the feeling?
I don't even feel it.
No I can't. Yeah.
I think it's actually gone.
Yeah. Take yes for an answer,
Kerry.
It is because when
I try... Yeah, it is.
It's gone.
I can't explain it,
it's almost as
though it's
something that's there,
and the world that
doesn't belong to me,
like I have no attachment to it
essentially, I have no...
I have no attachment.
Babies are only
born with two fears.
Fear of falling
and the fear of loud bangs.
Everything else is learned
so we can all unlearn it.
(They clap)
- It's me!
- Kerry, well done. Thank you!
KERRY: Oh, look at that!
(Sings to herself)
(Gentle, uplifting music)
KERRY: Looking
at the perspective of
being self-employed
as a therapist.
I was really,
really worried about
how to run the
business side of it.
I was going to spend three weeks
doing business-y stuff.
I was going to
write up workbooks,
I was going to do
homework sheets, everything.
I wanted to do all that
and have like a foundation
before I started seeing clients.
I mean, it looks all right,
but it's...
But what?
I think it's meant to go
the other way, the cushions.
So a grey one... Unless that
grey one goes at the back?
There we go, black,
grey, all the way.
Black, grey.
- You happy now?
- Yes.
It did totally change it,
what you just did.
Did it? (Laughs)
Yeah, yeah, totally changed it.
KERRY:
You're taking the piss.
Didn't change
anything. Right, let's go!
I published the
website on Sunday
and on Wednesday,
I think it was,
I had somebody get in touch and
asked if I would do some work.
I said to Kenneth, I was like,
"I'm going to have to
tell her I can't do it."
And Kenneth was saying
"What is your business?"
And I said "It's working
one-to-one with people."
And he says, "So why
are you doing all that stuff?"
Why are you doing
books and homework
sheets and self-care
tips and stuff?
If your business is working
one-to-one, put that aside.
"Your first priority
should be seeing clients."
So yeah, we booked in that week.
(Phone rings)
- Hi.
- WOMAN: Hello?
Hiya, it's Kerry.
Hiya, how are you doing?
Hello. Good, thank you.
How are you getting on?
So have you,
have you tried anything so far?
Any kind of therapies or...
I just started
talking to you a bit.
I don't know, I think the
root cause is the relationship.
- Yeah.
- Where it all went wrong is...
- I mean he lost his job...
- Yeah.
- And typical man...
- Mhm.
Won't talk about it,
keeps his emotions in,
- didn't wanna deal with it.
- Mhm.
Our communication
just broke down.
But now he does
say he needs help.
Mhm.
He's willing.
Yeah, yeah.
So he's actually agreed to, to
have... to be seen as well then?
- Yes.
- That's perfect.
That is perfect
because I was going to say,
one of the problems is that
quite often with couples,
if one person agrees to do
some kind of work on themselves,
this, they get into a position
where they start developing
and they start sort
of transforming and
things start getting
better for them.
But then the other partner,
well, they stay stagnant.
It kinda undoes
the work that the
other person's
doing. So that's nice.
If it's the both of yous and
you are both, willing and ready.
That is absolutely brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Oh you're welcome.
- Have a nice weekend.
- See you later.
I'll speak to you soon. Bye.
(Gentle music)
(She sighs)
KENNY: I've been
watching Jamie and.
Malc work for a, for a long time
and I couldn't
believe the impact
that I was seeing their work
have on, on other veterans.
And then when I express
my interest to go into coaching,
Malc, who's the head
of coaching had said,
yeah, he thought it
would be a good idea.
But starting slow, it being
very supervised and so on.
KENNY: So what's this story that
you're telling yourself
about yourself?
Just, I guess no matter
what I do
it'll never be good
enough anyway.
And how long have
you believed that for?
Forever.
I never... I don't ever know a
time when I didn't
think that way.
And I don't really know, I just
really wanna believe this stuff.
Like I really do,
I just don't know why I don't.
Well, I've got a couple ideas
about how we can help with that.
KENNY: Every time
I work with a client,
everything that I
say is reinforced
in my own state
and in my own being.
Everything that I say, it's like
it works on me at the same time.
MAN: And how lucky are the
people that you coach now?
Because not only are you very
good at the
coaching aspect of it,
but you've lived through,
you know,
those horrendous experiences
and difficulties
and you bring that to the table.
The understanding
that you have of
what it's like to be
in the black hole.
And people sense that,
they get that vibration from you
and respond to you.
And, you probably have had
the quickest ascension
to coaching proficiency
that I've seen.
So, if you're not proud of you,
then I am, and so's the
rest of Rock2Recovery.
Really chuffed with
the way it's gone.
KERRY: Every now
and again I get a little
feeling like,
like something's missing.
I think our lives
are so much more calm now.
Where a baby would actually
fit in to a lifestyle.
Like everything's perfect, but
there's just one
thing that's missing.
And then I adopt another rabbit.
(Gentle music)
(Horse whinnies)
KENNY: Somehow we've been able
to put ourselves into a place
where things have got better
than what it was.
But it takes a lot of work.
It feels sometimes like
we're walking on a tightrope.
Things can still go backwards
or plummet quite quickly,
and we have to
climb back up again.
But it takes a lot to do that.
KERRY: When one
of us isn't doing so well,
the other one kind of steps up,
takes a lot of the
responsibilities.
So we're not ever both burnt out
and tired and exhausted.
So that we're a bit more
like a relay team.
(Music fades out)
(She slurps, gentle chatter)
(Horse chews loudly)
KERRY: Let me
know how nice it is.
- Is it cold?
- No. It's nice.
- KERRY: Is it warm?
- (Bird calls)
You skelping a boot?
- KENNY: Skelping a boot?
- (Kerry laughs)
KERRY: What are you up to, mate?
(She laughs)
(Kenny exclaims)
KENNY: Yeah, (Indistinct)
it's warm.
KERRY: Yeah. How deep is it?
- KENNY: As your love.
- (She laughs)
Oh, right. Let's go.
KENNY: Yeah. When you get here,
when you get in,
and you swim about for a
couple of minutes, it's fine.
(Gentle, uplifting music)
(She laughs)
KERRY: He looks like,
he's like:
"Where have I been for
the past few hours?"
There you go.
I'll get a cup of tea.
(Baby burbles)
(Baby laughs)
ALL (Singing):
Happy birthday, dear Alfie,
Happy birthday to you.
Three, two, one...
(All blow)
(They cheer and clap)
KERRY: I'm not the same person
that I was ten years ago.
I kind of believed that anxiety
was a lifelong illness
that you just had to manage, and
that it was a biological thing.
Actually, I have a choice, and
there's so many things I can do
to reduce the anxiousness.
It never even occurred to me
that suffering was something
that you could change.
And now I'm seeing
exactly how it can change.
I'm starting to realise
I'm not broken after all.
This is just the
human condition.
KENNY: There's
86,400 seconds in a day.
You know,
that's a lot of start lines.
All I ever have is right now.
And in a second,
all I have is right now.
And it's OK if I fuck up
a second or a moment,
because there's going to be
another one right behind that,
so just keep going, like.
(Laughs)
(Roseanne Reid's
"Different Kind of Brave" plays)
Well I feel every single trip
that I've made around the sun
Some joys I'll never know
again and some have just begun
Living on the edge
you start believing you belong
It's a different kind of brave
I'm working on
(Folksy guitar)
This world ain't exactly
what I thought I would see
And it ain't easy two of us
finding how to be
We got a lot of history
and we needed to get free
And it's a different kind
of brave we're working on
Kerry, today,
do you acknowledge and reaffirm
your love and
respect for Kenneth?
Will you keep him as
your faithful partner in life,
your one true love
and best friend?
Will you miss him
madly when you are far
and hold him close
when you are near?
- I will.
- (Celebrant laughs)
CELEBRANT: Kenneth,
will you continue
to provide for her
needs as best you can
and protect her from harm?
Do you reaffirm your promise to
laugh with her and cry with her?
To grow with her
in mind and spirit?
Will you reason with her
when reason works,
and laugh with her
when reason doesn't?
Will you love her
until the end of time?
- It's a big ask.
- (All laugh)
- KERRY: It's a big one, I know.
- But I will.
(All laugh)
- That's good.
- (Applause; Song continues)
The silence it'll fall
with the sun sinking low
I'll stand atop the mountain,
feel the freedom in my soul
And we'll go walking
hand-in-hand into the unknown.
(Cheers)
It's a different kind of brave
we're working on.
Years From Now" plays)
I've never thought
of myself as easy
I guess there's stuff
I don't want you to know
But you make loving me
look like a Sunday
Like kids running scared
but we ain't letting go
Whoa in a hundred
years from now
They'll still be telling
our story, baby
(Song continues)
KERRY: This whole dating thing
went on for about a year.
And then he asked
if I wanted to go for dinner.
And he was really, really quiet.
And I thought he was
going to break up with me.
We went for a walk afterwards
down to the pier.
He just stopped me
and he started getting
really, really sentimental.
Talking about how the view
was nice and how the stars were
making the water glistely.
I thought that
was really strange.
Never heard a man
talking about things like that.
And then he just
sort of got on his
knee and he pulled out this ring
and I was absolutely shocked.
I was just like...
(High-pitched): Oh!
(Laughs)
It was so sweet.
(Song continues)
But you hold me
first thing in the morning
And I know this is love
I am loved
This is real, real love
Whoa in a hundred
years from now
Choosing each other
won't seem so crazy
(Song continues)
KERRY: I think he's
the most beautiful
person I've ever
seen in my whole life.
There's something about him
that's just so different.
I always tell him
he has the most beautiful ears,
and he has the
most beautiful nose,
even like his lips
and his eyebrows.
Even things like his wrists.
He's got really cute wrists.
They're just so beautiful.
KENNY: Everything about Kerry
was just really honest.
Like, I really hope
I don't fuck this up.
(Song concludes)
KERRY: In the beginning,
I didn't tell him
absolutely everything
about my life before
and about my upbringing
and my childhood
and some of the troubles that
I'd had in my teenage years.
(Underwater burbles)
So when everything
came crashing down, it kinda
made sense.
KENNY: Right, there you go.
There.
I know it better than
my phone number.
Because you have: Number,
rank, name.
Your number's
before your name. So...
KENNY: I never
told her what I did
for, for quite a while,
I made it up.
(Blows)
Because I thought it would, I
thought it would scare her away.
So in that as a joke,
she said, "Oh, what do you do?"
And I said,
"I'm a deep-sea fireman."
(Fireworks bang and crackle)
KERRY: It was
bonfire night and there
were fireworks
going off outside.
And that was the
first time I noticed it.
We were in the living room
and I was chatting away to him.
And he just kind
of started staring.
He just completely ignored me.
(Bangs and crackles)
"I can't concentrate because
the fireworks are going off
and it's making me
think about things."
(Tense bells music)
Well, that was the
very first time I
noticed that things
were a bit weird.
(Voices and explosions
in the distance)
KENNY: I joined the Army at 16.
It was all about being the best.
I ended up coming
top student in the battalion.
I'd always said that
I wanted to end up in snipers
because they were
just looked at different.
And I wanted people
to look at me like that.
But then when you go on tour,
it's a different kettle of fish.
It becomes very
real very quickly.
You are the only
sniper asset for that company.
It's only you that can deliver.
You've got this
added responsibility.
You have to do the best you can
to make sure the people
around you stay alive.
And the people who are
trying to hurt you, don't.
(Gunshot)
KERRY: I started getting
worried after Harris was born.
(Baby yells)
There came a point when Harris
started crying during the night.
And Kenneth would
sort of start shouting orders,
like really
military-style orders.
And then I'd have
to wake him up.
And then he would
grab me by the throat.
And I'd be like, "Oh, it's me,
Kenneth,
come on. Like, it's me."
And then he'd be like,
"Who's me, who? Who is me?"
(Baby gurgles)
Harris must have been
about three months old
and he was in the Moses basket.
I heard Kenneth say: "Shh,
it's alright. Go back to sleep."
And then I could
feel him. I could feel
the movement of
him rocking in the bed.
I turned on the lamp.
His arms were empty.
He thought he was
rocking Harris back to sleep.
(Melancholic
low woodwind instrument plays)
KENNY: I genuinely
don't know how to
trust what I think or
what I feel anymore.
Because none of it makes sense.
Our living room
window looked out
into the woods
across from the house.
I used to see dog walkers
going through there.
And I couldn't tell
if they were real
or if they were
Taliban fighters.
And I had, like, this
unbelievable sense of paranoia.
Just absolute fear.
(Helicopter whirrs,
gunshots in distance, dogs bark)
(Ominous,
echoey whirring and barking)
(Echoey gunshots)
(Explosions and machine guns
in the distance)
It isn't real. It isn't...
I can't touch it, but I have
all the feelings like I'm there.
How can the mind create that?
(Missile explodes)
You feel like you've
got something
vibrating against
the back of your eyes.
I can feel my brain pulsing
when it does it.
I call it "the screams".
I always knew that all this
would stop if I was just dead.
(Silence)
(Baby gurgles)
I was never shown, really,
how to express emotion.
And I trained myself at the time
to not really feel anything.
I'm not a good person
to Kerry.
(Wavers): I'm not a
good person to Harris.
I wish that I'd died
when that IED strike hit me.
(Ominous music)
KERRY: I literally
thought at one
point it couldn't get any worse
and it did,
it just kept getting worse.
I found out he
was cutting himself.
I thought, I'm going to have to
take all the knives
out of my house.
I'm going to have to hide knives
from my husband.
I'm going to have to
hide scissors,
like, like he's a child.
He just became really helpless.
He was sleeping like 18,
20 hours a day.
Just kind of gave
up even trying.
(Ominous sounds fade out)
(Birds chirp)
(Birds chirp)
You get, start getting like
visual images in your mind.
Like, is he hanging?
Is he bleeding?
And then you
just start imagining
loads of things and how...
Because you're trying
to prepare yourself
for what you're
going to walk into.
I almost feel as though
somebody is standing beside me
with a gun to my head,
and I'm just like,
I can't sleep because
I know the minute
I close my eyes
that gun's going to go off
and it's going to shoot me.
I felt like our relationship
was coming to an end.
I actually thought
that it was for
the best that we
would just divorce.
I came to the point in my life
where I had to make
a choice between
either staying
in the relationship
when I wasn't happy
or trying to do
something about it.
(Sombre music)
It's not because
I don't love him.
It's not because I hate him
or he's a horrible person.
My reason would
be that it's because
he's mentally ill,
and I can't deal
with looking after him
while he's mentally ill.
(Toddler babbles)
KENNY: Go, go, go!
KERRY: And then when I think is
that really a good enough reason
to divorce somebody
that you love?
I think that's not.
You can't justify
separating a whole family
on the basis that
he's mentally unwell.
And I can't cope
with his symptoms.
(Sombre music fades out)
(Birds chirp)
I realised I'd have to start
from the very beginning.
I'll have to be the strong
person for the two of us.
In psychology...
I left school at
about 15 and a half.
I only passed a
few GCSEs. I didn't
have enough to get into college.
But nobody in my family
had ever been to university.
(Continues typing)
I hated school
and I hated adults,
I hated them, I hated teachers,
I hated anybody with
authority because I
hated the mentality
of "You're a child".
"Just deal with this."
(Birds chirp)
I really want to
study psychology.
I need to understand
what's going on inside my brain.
I need to understand how
Kenneth's brain works as well.
KENNY: She's
wanting to go to uni and
she's wanting to
do her own thing.
I was just spiteful
towards everything.
I didn't have a good thing
to say about the world.
Even Kerry doing something
that would really benefit her.
And I just thought, "Fuck off".
Your life fucking
turning out great
while mine's just
fucking falling apart.
(Glass smashes loudly)
(Sombre music)
This is my final statement.
I did what the military asked.
I took the lives
they wanted me to.
I was put in positions
where my close friends were
mutilated and
maimed in front of me.
I kept strong,
ignored their screams
to focus on the bigger picture.
You conditioned
me as a sniper to
take a life and
view it as a target,
where I feel nothing
but the recoil on my shoulder
and how I can improve the shot.
I am not classed as a guardian
of my own son anymore.
His name is Harris.
He is three years old.
And you should know
he's into Lego right now.
(Continues typing)
I have tried to end my life
on six occasions now
and I self-harm constantly.
I am a fire-and-forget weapon.
I'm now a piece of brass
no longer needed.
I am no longer
part of something.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: This was his career done.
We really hit rock bottom.
KENNY: I was just plummeting.
And it wasn't stopping either,
the momentum wasn't slowing.
I'm so mentally unwell
that Harris had to go into
childcare five days a week
while Kerry was in uni.
Because he couldn't be around me
and I couldn't be around him.
(Music fades out)
KERRY: As a child,
everybody just labelled me
as completely rebellious, who's
just acting out and defiant.
I just kind of accepted,
OK, I'm a bad person.
Me as a human being is
such a fucking horrible person.
A doctor suggested to me
that I would have to take
medication for
the rest of my life
to manage... my
anxiety symptoms.
Studying psychology
has basically
opened up a whole
new world to me.
Because approaches
to psychology,
like the cognitive behavioural,
they all suggested
that you can control
anxiety and
emotions with thoughts
and changing thoughts
to change feelings.
(Sombre music)
As teenagers, we both felt
like we just had to escape
the mentality of the towns
that we grew up in.
(Seagulls call; Music continues)
Kenneth joined the army at 16.
When I was 18, I just thought.
"Ugh, I don't want to be here."
I don't want to be in this town
and need to get away from here.
I had no plan, I had no
intention,
I had nowhere to stay.
I was at the point
where I thought,
I can afford a 5 bus
ticket to Cornwall.
It's going to take me
19 hours to get there.
And hopefully in
those 19 hours I'll
figure out what I'm going to do.
(Portentous music)
Everything happened so fast.
It was almost like a fairy tale.
(Music continues; Seagulls call)
I was being paid to perform
at the lap dancing bar
and I took to it
unbelievably well.
(House music)
The lights were so
bright on the stage
I didn't feel like I
was being watched.
I used to dance, and dance
and dance and perform.
There was one night
that I was dancing.
And then I just started crying
for no reason.
(Music becomes sombre)
And I just felt like this
overwhelming, like, sadness.
What am I doing?
I'm performing for men
and getting paid for that.
And it was a
weird feeling that I
got and it made
me almost feel sick.
I think I just
wanted to go home.
(Waves crash)
And that was when I met Kenneth.
The Army was his life, and he
gave it everything that he had.
KENNY: I'm really
questioning what
all of it was for
in the first place.
Kerry's asked me if I
would go up and see
this organisation
that work with horses.
(Gentle guitar music)
Kerry really loves horses. I've
never been around them before.
I'm trying to stay
as open-minded as I can.
(Horses whinny)
OLDER MAN: We here are fellow
soldiers, fellow military people
who use horses to help people,
I hope,
get back confidence
and self-esteem
after they've taken
a clinical journey.
(Horse pants)
This horse is
called Purple Moon.
He was bought for
700,000 guineas.
Yeah, he ran in the Ebor,
and he ran in the Melbourne Cup.
He won about
two-and-a-half million quid.
So what? This is, what happens
to his value once he's retired?
- He's not worth anything.
- Really?
OLDER MAN: No.
(The man clicks)
By talking about the horse
and the journey that he took,
you're able to connect
and make people start to look
at their journey differently.
We saw the
similarity between the
racing world and
the military world.
Many of the horses
here have been hurt.
Many have been injured.
What we've got to do when
we get the horses here is to try
to help them with that anxiety.
So we would ask them just
to deal with one fear at a time.
OK.
(Horse whinnies)
Quite a big reaction.
So that's what a horse
would do normally
if he's introduced to something
he doesn't understand.
So what I'll try
do now is to get him,
to get this on his muzzle.
(He clicks)
And I'm not going
to restrain him,
but I'm just
guiding him on to it.
So there we go.
There's a good boy.
That's the release.
(He blows his lips)
So you're kind of
just always quiet and
just bring yourself
right as far down.
(Breathes and blows his lips)
Do what they do.
Because honestly,
you can control
a horse's heart
rate with your own,
once you're tuned in
or their breathing or,
you know, and if you...
Honestly, I think you
can do it with people.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: They're really
hyper-alert.
They see everything.
I can easily see
that a soldier who's in
the transitional
phase of getting out,
doesn't have a
clue what's going on,
anybody comes near him,
he starts
getting really
nervous and anxious.
If you're not careful,
could do a lot of damage
to either himself
or somebody else.
(Music continues)
I am that horse.
I don't want to ever
feel suicidal again.
I don't want to
ever self-harm when
Harris is in the same
house as me.
I don't want to do
any of that anymore.
Change is the natural
state of the brain.
People don't realise this
because they think stuckness,
being stuck with things is
the natural state of the brain,
because it feels like it a lot
but actually change is the
natural state of the brain.
The brain is constantly renewing
all the kind of, you know,
molecular components that
make up each of the neurons.
It's constantly looking for
where it can free up
circuit space to
make new circuits
that are going to
help us achieve
the goals that we want
to achieve today in our lives.
So the natural state
of the brain is change.
So when we want,
when the brain...
What are you thinking right now?
What was going through your mind
in that moment?
Being laid in an
ambush from a child.
Right, right, right.
And when you were thinking that,
were you inside the image.
(Loud white noise)
MAN (Radio-garbled):
Get back here, get them back.
(Radio-garbled voices continue
indistinguishably)
(Heavy breathing)
(Men shout, distant explosions)
KENNY: I was in a ditch.
What were you
seeing in the ditch?
KENNY: My mate getting
brought out in a stretcher.
He's just screaming.
(Man yells)
Ask yourself the question,
am I willing to let this go?
What comes up from your body?
I want to,
I just don't know how.
OK, so you want to,
you don't know how.
So just acknowledge that.
Maybe even thank yourself
for letting yourself know that.
But if you could let it go,
would you be willing to?
- Mhm.
- Yeah?
If you could let that go,
could you let that go and know
that that was possibly the
most caring thing for you to do?
I know it is, but...
I just... I don't know
why I hold onto it.
(High-pitched ringing;
Distant explosions)
I felt like I died
on the 21st of February 2012,
just after 11:00, when I was hit
by the second IED in that week.
When I, when I came to
after I was knocked out...
I just thought, fucking why?
This, the first one, was like a
partial detonation
that went off.
It didn't go off properly.
And then that was on the Monday,
then on the Thursday,
the second one went off and that
blew me across
the track and I,
and I remember getting up after,
I couldn't feel my bottom half.
And then it turned out I was
all right. I was just in shock.
And I seen...
He was hit by an IED,
and killed and I
remember seeing his mum.
(Sniffles)
(Emotional): I remember
seeing his mum.
And Kerry was there.
And I just remember feeling
this tremendous amount of guilt.
And I remember, I didn't even...
I was so ashamed.
And so much,
I had so much guilt.
I had so much guilt
about going to...
About what had happened to me.
And I was all right.
And I was stood there
with Kerry, and I was
going to be creating this life.
And, err
that I didn't even go
up and speak to her.
Or...
Or say anything.
I just I went out that night
and got shitfaced.
(Sombre music)
(Water lapping)
(Sombre music continues)
(Sombre music continues)
(Music fades out)
(Children shout in the distance)
KERRY: At uni,
one of the things that struck me
was a study talking about
adverse childhood experiences.
What I'd been through
actually had a name.
I realised that trying to end
my life at like 12 years old
was not a normal thing.
(Sombre music)
It was the year 2000.
I'd probably just turned nine.
So I spent a lot of time
at my friends' houses.
And I was on my own in the house
with just my friend
and her brother.
He had a full beard. You know,
like he was a man to me.
And he would send her downstairs
to eat her dinner.
And he would lock
me in the room.
It was torturous.
I knew it was wrong.
I absolutely...
Because I said "No".
It was clear as
day that it was...
The whole situation
was completely fucked up.
I just thought
that's what adults did to kids.
I felt ashamed. I felt like
I'd done something really dirty.
I felt like I was worthless
and that it was my fault.
I hadn't even turned ten.
And I just, I genuinely just
wanted away from everything.
Just wanted away from it all.
(Sombre music continues)
I just thought,
I need to... I need to end it.
I went through my
mum's cupboards,
and I found all the painkillers
I could find.
Drank some vodka,
went and lay in my bed.
And then I started getting a bit
scared because then I thought,
I'm going to die on my own.
Then I started being sick.
She could smell the alcohol,
she asked me what I'd done.
And then I told her.
Mum phoned an ambulance for me.
She asked me if it
was a cry for help.
I didn't actually
tell her why I did it.
I just feel like there's
some things that,
that you could
probably just keep
to yourself in relationships.
I feel like there's some things
that don't need to be
like, you don't really
need to know
certain things
about my childhood
where I do feel a sense of guilt
or a sense... like shame
and embarrassment towards,
and I feel as though
there's no need to
go into the details
of that with you,
because they're
quite personal to me.
So I quite, I really appreciate
the fact that you've never
pressed me
and asked me questions about it,
because it's quite
a sensitive thing.
I've got a good idea.
I can... I can put two
and two together,
you know, and you've told me,
you have told me stuff,
but you've not went
into a lot of detail
because I know what
it's like to talk about and,
and go over stuff
that I don't want to.
So I'd... I was like,
you know, fine.
But, you know, I'm here for you
when you do or if
you ever want to,
but I've never
pressed you on it.
I've just said, fine, whenever
you're ready or if you need it.
I still find that
a little bit hard to hear.
Because there is a
part of me that says:
Maybe he likes you for the
version that you are to him,
but if he knew there
was any other version
or any other parts of it,
then he might change his mind.
(Gently inspirational music)
MAN: The work to do today is to
get your unconscious to realise
that you are the
age you are now,
that you are a
resourceful woman,
that you can cope
with anything that happens.
So when this feeling
comes on, on a
scale out of ten,
where would it be?
It's a ten.
I can see that you even thinking
about it, you are getting there.
And the feeling is the last
couple of years, certainly,
is very familiar to you.
When's your first,
earliest memory?
When's the most powerful memory
you've got relating to this?
Might not be the actual
first one but the one that's...
- OK. Just take a moment.
- (She stifles crying)
(She sniffs)
I remember I was
in a situation where
I felt like when I was younger,
I was kind of, like,
lost in a little daydream.
And I felt relatively
safe and stuff,
and it was like that
sudden realisation that, like,
where I was and
what I was doing wasn't safe.
And it was almost
like the shock of,
like, being snapped
back into reality
of, oh, this is actually
very dangerous.
(Gently inspiring music)
KERRY: I know that Kenneth
wants to be a good dad.
That's not quite how it was for
me when I was
growing up, though.
I really had nothing to do
with my dad most of my life.
He actually went to prison when
I was a baby for armed robbery.
He was ex-Army.
My mum was
a single parent with three kids.
She had to work
like three jobs just to
get enough money
to support three kids.
There was no child support.
No sort of relationship
with us either.
KENNY: I want
to be involved with
Harris and I want
to be a dad to him.
But there's so much stuff
getting in the way of me and him
having that relationship.
Because everything: From
the screaming, to the laughing,
to the high-pitch sounds that
they make, just goes through me.
He might as well not
be mine, because
I don't feel
anything as if he is.
(Dogs bark)
He doesn't know anything about
what I'm going through at all,
but he can sense
it because he can...
He sees behaviour change
when he's around me.
I feel like when
he's in the room,
it's just another
kid in the room.
I don't feel like he's mine.
Like I loved being around kids.
And now I cannot stand them.
But not in the sense that,
like, I hate children,
I just, whenever I see children
or I'm around children in a...
I don't know, a close proximity
where I've got no way
of getting away from them,
I start to feel like my
back's up against the wall.
I can't,
I... I was sick of being on tour,
involved in
child-related incidents
that I had... I couldn't
do anything about
just had to stand and watch.
Right.
And you can't take their pain
away. You can't do anything.
They're so innocent to it all.
You know.
They're meant to be fighting us,
but they're using children, they
were using children instead.
Is this all about a
particular memory?
- It's about a couple.
- A couple.
But the one that
I can't get out my head is
like, a picture of Harris
on tour.
He wasn't even,
he wasn't even born.
He was born in... I
came back in 2012.
And he wasn't born until like
March 2013, like a year later.
But I get this, I cannot get
this image of him out my head.
So just before I
was hit off an IED,
I was patrolling along to a
up the side of a field
and there was a small bridge.
Should never have taken it.
I said that, but that's not,
my opinion
was never going
to change anything.
And on the right-hand side,
there
was a little sort
of school building
that was maybe, like the size of
this classroom,
like a mud building.
And there was
two adults ushering
a load of kids inside it.
Like, I have an image in my head
that Harris is in that crowd.
So did you get
that image just now?
It's just too...
It's too much, like,
he wasn't even fucking there.
He's dressed like
them and everything.
Kenny, come stand here.
Right, now...
Look out, you see the hills?
There's all that stuff.
There's all that stuff.
Just imagine that's
way over there
back behind you in the corner.
Right? And you look at the hills
and you think
about this morning:
You went spinning.
Yeah, you went spinning.
Can you feel the weight
of the ground on your feet?
Yeah?
Feel the weight of the ground
on your feet.
And your breathing.
Is there a sense or sensation
in your body right now?
Yeah? What is it?
- (Wavering): It's weight.
- Weight?
- Whereabouts?
- On my shoulders.
On your shoulders. OK.
If that weight had a colour,
what colour would it be?
- Black. Or like a navy blue.
- OK.
Because that's the colour
of the dishdashi he had on.
Right, black, navy blue. OK, so
there's weight, there's a black.
Does it have a shape when
that weight's on your shoulders?
Just him.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: Does Harris
actually know who his dad is?
I feel like I'm having
to hide a lot from him.
Because I'm struggling
on a personal level sometimes
to deal with that thought
that would Harris actually be OK
with me when he's older.
And if he ever found out about
a lot of the stuff
that I've been involved in
and what my job
role was in the Army.
Should I really be like the type
of person that I
was trained to be?
Should I really
be allowed to like,
walk the street or have a son?
How many families
have I devastated?
The only reason that
it was actually OK is because
the government
said it was legal.
I don't even know their names.
I don't know if
they had kids or not.
You know, I don't know if they
had a wife who's now widowed.
I know nothing about them.
They're just there.
I feel like those people
will always be there now.
And they'll always
be part of my life.
Cause I can't, I don't feel like
I can just walk away from it.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: Since Kenneth has become
ill, I've had to focus on him.
There's more services
from the Armed Forces
than there is for
people in my situation.
Most people like
me are either not
taken seriously
or not listened to.
Just before I turned 10, I spoke
to my friend about being raped.
And I said to her,
"What would you do
if this happened to you?"
She said to me "That
has happened to me".
And I was like,
"What did you do?"
She says "I told my
mum and she beat
me up and told
me to stop lying."
Then I went to
another friend and
I basically said the same thing.
"What would you do
if this happened to you?"
And she said, "Well, that does
happen to me. My uncle does it."
And I was like, fucking hell.
This is just normal.
Do we not have a
say in any of this stuff?
When I hear people say,
"Oh, there's no support for
veterans with
post-traumatic stress.
You know,
it's a horrible thing to
have to live with all your life.
They didn't do anything wrong.
"They went to war
and came back traumatised."
Yeah they did.
But how many
children went to school
or went to their friend's house,
or went to a family member's
house and came back traumatised?
They didn't deserve it.
What support is there for them?
The services I had to use to
help me deal with rape and abuse
was a veterans organisation.
And I only got support from them
because I was a spouse.
Alan, as somebody who's been
through some
really emotional stuff,
do you think that
potentially hinders
the, the possibility
to be in a role like this,
of helping other people?
Because one of the things that
I've sort of heard
or came across
in the past is this idea that,
to be an effective coach or
therapist, you have to have,
had a brilliant upbringing and
your life is absolutely perfect,
and you've got
your shit together
to be able to help other people.
Or do you believe that people
who have been hurt in the past,
have been through shit can
be just as effective coaches.
I think probably more effective,
to be fair.
I don't know anyone who has had
that perfectly calm
and smooth life.
It's difficult to relate
to things unless
you've experienced
some level of
negative feelings for instance.
And, when we've gone through
treatment ourselves
or we've found ways
of helping ourselves.
We've got perfect
empathy with people,
and possibly what
they're going through.
I think there's a caveat.
I think there's a
caution that somebody
needs to be well
themselves first
before they're accessing and
hearing other people's stories.
So my job is to
reflect back what
the person's saying and bringing
and reframe it in
a way that helps
them cope rather
than keeps them stuck.
I think some people
are really in the right frame
and the right personality to be
really good helpers for others
who had the problems
that they used to have.
(Intrepid music)
(Muted dialogue)
KENNY: Oh!
(Muted dialogue)
(Music ends)
KENNY: I'm going
to come off my meds.
Feel like a legalised junkie.
I wish I never took
them because I'm
still on them now,
four years later.
When I'd asked: "Look,
I want to come"
off them and I
want off them now",
they were like,
"Right, you've got two choices:"
You know,
if you want to come off them,
we can put you
in a psychiatric unit
for a month and
we'll get you off them.
As in, like we'll
just cold-turkey
you in a room, you know,
"or it's going to take a year
to get you off them."
And I was like, I thought to
myself, this is insane, like.
KERRY: I've been on my
medication for years and years,
and this is just
what people like us
have to do... to
manage these things.
And then Kenneth said,
"Well, I want to
come off them and
I want to stop it all."
And I thought, you are crazy.
Oh you're crazy. (Laughs)
You've been given an option
to lessen how bad you feel.
Why don't you just keep it?
That's a good thing.
(Metallic clinks and bangs)
(Unscrewing)
KENNY: How do
you take this apart?
I'd just strip something off
and be like, well,
you've got to learn
how to put it back together.
Because if not,
then it's not going to work.
I just started stripping
more apart and more apart,
and it was eventually
a bare shell.
And it was like, well,
where do you go from here?
There's not much
else I can do so...
You've got to start putting it
back together at some point.
I can't envisage
another scenario
in life where I'll
get the same buzz
of a guy trying to shoot me,
and I'm trying to shoot him.
(Engine revs and purrs)
(Dramatic music; Engines rev)
(Music fades out)
(They laugh)
KERRY: Let's go
and give him a hug.
I spun out.
- Did you? I didn't see it.
- Yeah.
But I knocked five seconds off.
- Did you?
- I did.
Were you cheering on him?
Like "Go Dad, go Dad, go Dad."
I was doing.
Were you like "Waaay,
go, Dad, go, Dad!"?
Did you really do that?
KENNY: I'm down to 100mg, but I
felt the side
effects quite strong
over the last couple of days.
Today I just took 125,
just to even them out a bit.
I've had really bad nightmares.
I've started getting violent
in my sleep and started...
Well, not fighting,
but I've started,
kicking and punching Kerry
during the night
and not recognising who she is.
(Distant gunfire and explosions)
(Echoey horse whinny)
(Distant explosions fade out)
(Water splashing)
KERRY: So when he obviously
hits me during the night
and then I just start thinking,
"Oh my God, I'm under attack,
somebody's broken into my house"
and then I realise it's him.
So I know that during the night
if he, like, lashes out at me
and then as soon
as I speak to him and
then I say to him,
"You've just hurt me",
he quickly stops
and then he's like,
"I'm so sorry. I
didn't mean that.
I was blah blah blah
having a bad dream."
And I don't want to
get angry about it.
So I'm just like, let him do
what he needs to do.
If he needs to be grumpy
and short-tempered, that's fine.
But I'm only going to
put up with so much
before I need to
kind of reign it back in.
Because when he's being
really grumpy to Harris,
I have to say to Harris,
"How does it make you feel
when Dad's being like this?"
And then Harris will say,
"Oh I don't like it,
because then I think that Dad
doesn't enjoy
spending time with me."
(Sombre music)
And then I say to him, "Well,
Kenneth, you need to hear this
because you need
to understand what the
consequences has
on the whole family."
Like none of us are here
to be emotional punch bags.
I kind of wondered whether it
was time for me to stop as well.
I've wondered what it would be
like to not have to rely on it
and to have the resources myself
to be able to cope
rather than having
to rely on medication,
which, to be honest, at times,
hasn't actually worked.
I've realised that there
is more to the world
than just medicating symptoms.
We might as well
both do it together.
(Gentle music)
- KENNY: Are you ready?
- WOMAN: Yeah.
(Indistinct dialogue)
Oops, sorry, a little intimate!
(They laugh)
KERRY: What I find fascinating
is that you can control
such a big, powerful animal
with just a finger.
They're not
looking for conflict.
They don't want
to fight against you.
They don't want
to be wrestled with.
They literally just
want to be in sync with you.
And I feel like sometimes
that's all what I want as well.
COACH: I'm loving how you're
giving her the
rein with one hand
when you're asking her to
come round, that's brilliant.
So I spoke to Kenny
yesterday about
visualising what you
want to do with them,
but have I spoke to
you about it or not?
KERRY: What happened
when I was younger
it defined the majority
of my teenage years
and my early-adult years.
It's taken up enough
time in my life.
It won't be, it has no place in
my future. Absolutely no place.
(Gentle music)
(Station buzz)
KENNY: Rock2Recovery have just
asked to see me and offered me
a position in Rock
as a welfare officer,
and they want to train
and show me how they do things.
You know, that's something
I want to do.
I think it'd be great.
(Gentle music)
MAN: I mean,
we kind of selected you
rather than you come
looking for the job.
You know that.
Because it has to be the
right person in the right job.
You've got to understand it,
you've got to
have people skills.
You've got to be able
to listen to people.
You've got to be able to
have the initiative and the
the ability to make decisions
and just go and do something
because you know it needs doing.
KENNY: Yeah.
MAN: That's so important.
The mind will do
one of two things,
it'll either work for
you or against you.
And a lot of the
clients you'll meet,
the brain... their mind
is just working against them.
The brain is just ticking over
and the negative side of stuff,
- that's just not helping.
- KENNY: Yeah.
MAN: And a lot of it is just
getting them back on this track
and start to...
Start to work for themselves,
start to connect
with themselves,
start to love themselves,
start to grow themselves.
(Seagulls call)
We don't get to go back in time.
You work with what you've got.
Always. And shape it.
Change it.
You're growing yourself again.
- WOMAN: Welcome aboard.
- KENNY: Looking forward to it.
WOMAN: You've got that
first-hand experience of it.
That's going to be, you know,
stand you in very good stead.
Yeah. Well, I know what
it's like to be
feel like you're at the bottom
and then coming in brand new
when you don't want to be there.
And then actually your life
is turned round 180 degrees.
Don't get me wrong, my life
is still got a long way to go,
but it's a damn sight better
than what it was a year ago.
You know.
See, when I really
hit rock bottom,
for me, it was "How do I
go from being in snipers"
and a patrol
commander in Afghan to
literally, you're not
even allowed
to look after your own kid...
To me, at that time,
the military was
more important
than Harris and Kerry
because they came in
when I was in the military.
And it wasn't... they weren't
with me beforehand, so
they were always
going to come second.
(Echoey helicopter
sounds in the distance)
INSTRUCTOR: Only 47 out of 224
veterans who died
by suicide had had
contact with mental
health services.
Does that surprise you?
ALL: No.
Lots of people have
suicidal thoughts.
They don't act on them.
Lots of people who attempt
suicide don't complete it.
So what that tells us is that
suicidal thoughts are common.
But just because
you're thinking about
it doesn't mean
you have to do it.
You don't have
to follow it through.
As a mental health first aider
that's an important
thing to know.
Because remember,
it's not about dying.
It's about ending
emotional pain and suffering.
So what you're getting is
an opportunity... to prevent it.
That's what you're being given.
If we talk about suicide,
what kind of words
does that bring to mind?
MAN 1: Death.
- INSTRUCTOR: Any others?
- KENNY: The only solution?
Yeah.
MAN 2: I mean, looking at it
from the other side: Selfish.
Selfish is always interesting.
So why? Why do people
think it might be selfish?
MAN 3: Well, the devastating
impact it has on
those that remain.
INSTRUCTOR: So it's about
the people who are left behind.
But someone who's thinking
about taking their own life
the way they're thinking is,
this is the
best thing I can
do for those people.
ALL: Yes. Uh-huh.
KENNY: It hit home quite hard
because I thought
I've put Kerry and
Harris through that,
and it's not fair to them.
And it's not healthy,
and it just shows
how irrational... well,
how your mental health can
take over and how it can...
It seems rational at the time,
but it also did make me
realise that the suicidal stuff
is a very short-term solution
to a problem that
you've got going on.
And look at the amount of damage
that you could
cause by doing it.
I could've destroyed
Kerry and Harris' life.
And you know,
Harris could have grown up
and
what image would
he have had of me?
You know, not really
being able to know me.
What type of life would
he have had because of it?
Could he have ended
up with depression?
Would I have wanted
that for my own son?
You know, essentially
given him depression by proxy,
you know, just because of this
situation that he
was involved in,
that wasn't really anything
to do with him.
He just had... he just was
living with it, you know.
When he said, "What was it
that stopped you the last time?"
You know, and every time we
were talking about that, I just,
I thought that Harris
was what stopped me.
(Gentle music; Swing creaks)
What problems do
you have with Harris?
KENNY: Malcolm
showed me something new
that I hadn't done before.
It was the ability to see things
through someone else's eyes
from their perspective.
This is called
"perceptional positioning".
I said that I was, I was
struggling to bond with Harris.
And he'd said, "Well, what
do you think Harris sees in you"
that keeps him coming to you
"and enjoys you and
likes you and stuff?"
And I said, "I don't know,
to be honest,
I question that
myself quite a lot."
Christmas tree is up
and I don't know what to do.
They're all excited about it
and I feel like I can't join in.
He said, "Well,
if you can imagine"
yourself from Harris' position,
at his height,
looking at the Christmas tree
through his eyes.
"What's that like?"
(Gentle music)
I naturally started to feel like
something really warm inside me.
And then he says,
"Now, just get him to look round"
and to look at you,
where you're standing,
and what's
it like when he looks at you?
Somebody who's big,
somebody who's quite strong,
"that can protect him,
that can provide for him."
And then I just sat
with that for a while.
And then when I opened
my eyes, he says,
"What do you notice now?"
And I just, I just couldn't
wait to get home
and to see him
and to cuddle him.
Something between me and him,
it just completely changed.
I couldn't describe
what it was, but
I felt like me and
him were connected.
I was able to
create stuff within
me that I never had before.
(Gentle music continues)
So it was more than words.
It was like there was,
it felt like there was
a genuine magic within it
that stayed with me since then.
I just thought
it was absolutely phenomenal.
(Engines rev)
Harris, just take your time,
do it in your own time, OK?
(Revving continues)
KENNY: He's there.
Ooooh!
(Gentle music; Crowd applauds)
KENNY: I've seen what
made him happy,
and I felt what made him happy.
And part of what made him happy
was looking at me.
And I felt it when... (Wavers)
I actually felt it
when he... when he looked at me
and when I looked at him.
Just me being there was enough
for him to feel happiness.
(Fireworks explode and crackle)
Fireworks have
got a bang to them,
doesn't have to
mean anything else.
I could see the fireworks
reflecting in his eyes.
Nothing that I've
been through is
going on inside
of him right now.
So why don't I
try and join that?
(Explosions and crackles)
(Uplifting music)
(Applause)
For the award of Bachelor
of Science - Psychology,
Kerry Watson.
(Cheers and applause)
KERRY: I decided
to become a coach
so that I can deliver
the type of therapies
that I know have worked for me.
They've worked for Kenneth,
I've seen them work
for loads of people.
If somebody could
have came up to me
ten years ago and said to me,
"I know you're
taking medication,
but have you tried this?"
Might have saved me
years and years of suffering.
And I feel like so many people
would really benefit from this.
INSTRUCTOR: We're going
to move on to an exercise.
Get rid of intrusive worries.
Does it make it better, worse
or just the same?
If they say "better",
so just keep it that way.
If they say "worse", so it's
on a six, turn it up to ten.
"Oh that's worse!",
right, turn it down to a zero.
That's better.
So who's going to
come out this time?
Come on then, Kerry,
about bloody time.
KERRY: Oh God.
It's something that's
not going to happen,
but it's something
that I'm scared happens.
- So shall we say scared?
- Yeah, scared, yeah.
It's a movie that's been like a
ten-second clip that's
been coming back,
like intrusively,
like an anticipating dread
feeling in my stomach.
Whatever's running in your head
about this scared thing,
we don't want to know
any of the content,
but when you're running
this scared-to-ten feeling,
whatever's in there,
are you in it or
are you watching yourself in it?
You've seen it
through your own eyes?
Or can you see
Kerry in front of you?
- No, it's from my eyes.
- In it, OK.
It's like a panoramic movie,
like, I could see it
when I turn.
Is it voices or is it noise?
No, it's voices, yeah.
OK. Are the
voices clear or fuzzy?
Clear.
And is the content
helpful or unhelpful?
Unhelpful.
Every time we changed one thing,
like, put a border around it,
I almost just kind of like,
was was, like dissolving.
I could... I could feel it
going from like a ten,
down to a nine,
down to an eight,
down to seven like
with every single step,
and then, like,
taking it away somewhere,
like as, like burying it.
INSTRUCTOR: So
when you think about
that thing now
where's the feeling?
Open your eyes.
Where's the feeling?
I don't even feel it.
No I can't. Yeah.
I think it's actually gone.
Yeah. Take yes for an answer,
Kerry.
It is because when
I try... Yeah, it is.
It's gone.
I can't explain it,
it's almost as
though it's
something that's there,
and the world that
doesn't belong to me,
like I have no attachment to it
essentially, I have no...
I have no attachment.
Babies are only
born with two fears.
Fear of falling
and the fear of loud bangs.
Everything else is learned
so we can all unlearn it.
(They clap)
- It's me!
- Kerry, well done. Thank you!
KERRY: Oh, look at that!
(Sings to herself)
(Gentle, uplifting music)
KERRY: Looking
at the perspective of
being self-employed
as a therapist.
I was really,
really worried about
how to run the
business side of it.
I was going to spend three weeks
doing business-y stuff.
I was going to
write up workbooks,
I was going to do
homework sheets, everything.
I wanted to do all that
and have like a foundation
before I started seeing clients.
I mean, it looks all right,
but it's...
But what?
I think it's meant to go
the other way, the cushions.
So a grey one... Unless that
grey one goes at the back?
There we go, black,
grey, all the way.
Black, grey.
- You happy now?
- Yes.
It did totally change it,
what you just did.
Did it? (Laughs)
Yeah, yeah, totally changed it.
KERRY:
You're taking the piss.
Didn't change
anything. Right, let's go!
I published the
website on Sunday
and on Wednesday,
I think it was,
I had somebody get in touch and
asked if I would do some work.
I said to Kenneth, I was like,
"I'm going to have to
tell her I can't do it."
And Kenneth was saying
"What is your business?"
And I said "It's working
one-to-one with people."
And he says, "So why
are you doing all that stuff?"
Why are you doing
books and homework
sheets and self-care
tips and stuff?
If your business is working
one-to-one, put that aside.
"Your first priority
should be seeing clients."
So yeah, we booked in that week.
(Phone rings)
- Hi.
- WOMAN: Hello?
Hiya, it's Kerry.
Hiya, how are you doing?
Hello. Good, thank you.
How are you getting on?
So have you,
have you tried anything so far?
Any kind of therapies or...
I just started
talking to you a bit.
I don't know, I think the
root cause is the relationship.
- Yeah.
- Where it all went wrong is...
- I mean he lost his job...
- Yeah.
- And typical man...
- Mhm.
Won't talk about it,
keeps his emotions in,
- didn't wanna deal with it.
- Mhm.
Our communication
just broke down.
But now he does
say he needs help.
Mhm.
He's willing.
Yeah, yeah.
So he's actually agreed to, to
have... to be seen as well then?
- Yes.
- That's perfect.
That is perfect
because I was going to say,
one of the problems is that
quite often with couples,
if one person agrees to do
some kind of work on themselves,
this, they get into a position
where they start developing
and they start sort
of transforming and
things start getting
better for them.
But then the other partner,
well, they stay stagnant.
It kinda undoes
the work that the
other person's
doing. So that's nice.
If it's the both of yous and
you are both, willing and ready.
That is absolutely brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Oh you're welcome.
- Have a nice weekend.
- See you later.
I'll speak to you soon. Bye.
(Gentle music)
(She sighs)
KENNY: I've been
watching Jamie and.
Malc work for a, for a long time
and I couldn't
believe the impact
that I was seeing their work
have on, on other veterans.
And then when I express
my interest to go into coaching,
Malc, who's the head
of coaching had said,
yeah, he thought it
would be a good idea.
But starting slow, it being
very supervised and so on.
KENNY: So what's this story that
you're telling yourself
about yourself?
Just, I guess no matter
what I do
it'll never be good
enough anyway.
And how long have
you believed that for?
Forever.
I never... I don't ever know a
time when I didn't
think that way.
And I don't really know, I just
really wanna believe this stuff.
Like I really do,
I just don't know why I don't.
Well, I've got a couple ideas
about how we can help with that.
KENNY: Every time
I work with a client,
everything that I
say is reinforced
in my own state
and in my own being.
Everything that I say, it's like
it works on me at the same time.
MAN: And how lucky are the
people that you coach now?
Because not only are you very
good at the
coaching aspect of it,
but you've lived through,
you know,
those horrendous experiences
and difficulties
and you bring that to the table.
The understanding
that you have of
what it's like to be
in the black hole.
And people sense that,
they get that vibration from you
and respond to you.
And, you probably have had
the quickest ascension
to coaching proficiency
that I've seen.
So, if you're not proud of you,
then I am, and so's the
rest of Rock2Recovery.
Really chuffed with
the way it's gone.
KERRY: Every now
and again I get a little
feeling like,
like something's missing.
I think our lives
are so much more calm now.
Where a baby would actually
fit in to a lifestyle.
Like everything's perfect, but
there's just one
thing that's missing.
And then I adopt another rabbit.
(Gentle music)
(Horse whinnies)
KENNY: Somehow we've been able
to put ourselves into a place
where things have got better
than what it was.
But it takes a lot of work.
It feels sometimes like
we're walking on a tightrope.
Things can still go backwards
or plummet quite quickly,
and we have to
climb back up again.
But it takes a lot to do that.
KERRY: When one
of us isn't doing so well,
the other one kind of steps up,
takes a lot of the
responsibilities.
So we're not ever both burnt out
and tired and exhausted.
So that we're a bit more
like a relay team.
(Music fades out)
(She slurps, gentle chatter)
(Horse chews loudly)
KERRY: Let me
know how nice it is.
- Is it cold?
- No. It's nice.
- KERRY: Is it warm?
- (Bird calls)
You skelping a boot?
- KENNY: Skelping a boot?
- (Kerry laughs)
KERRY: What are you up to, mate?
(She laughs)
(Kenny exclaims)
KENNY: Yeah, (Indistinct)
it's warm.
KERRY: Yeah. How deep is it?
- KENNY: As your love.
- (She laughs)
Oh, right. Let's go.
KENNY: Yeah. When you get here,
when you get in,
and you swim about for a
couple of minutes, it's fine.
(Gentle, uplifting music)
(She laughs)
KERRY: He looks like,
he's like:
"Where have I been for
the past few hours?"
There you go.
I'll get a cup of tea.
(Baby burbles)
(Baby laughs)
ALL (Singing):
Happy birthday, dear Alfie,
Happy birthday to you.
Three, two, one...
(All blow)
(They cheer and clap)
KERRY: I'm not the same person
that I was ten years ago.
I kind of believed that anxiety
was a lifelong illness
that you just had to manage, and
that it was a biological thing.
Actually, I have a choice, and
there's so many things I can do
to reduce the anxiousness.
It never even occurred to me
that suffering was something
that you could change.
And now I'm seeing
exactly how it can change.
I'm starting to realise
I'm not broken after all.
This is just the
human condition.
KENNY: There's
86,400 seconds in a day.
You know,
that's a lot of start lines.
All I ever have is right now.
And in a second,
all I have is right now.
And it's OK if I fuck up
a second or a moment,
because there's going to be
another one right behind that,
so just keep going, like.
(Laughs)
(Roseanne Reid's
"Different Kind of Brave" plays)
Well I feel every single trip
that I've made around the sun
Some joys I'll never know
again and some have just begun
Living on the edge
you start believing you belong
It's a different kind of brave
I'm working on
(Folksy guitar)
This world ain't exactly
what I thought I would see
And it ain't easy two of us
finding how to be
We got a lot of history
and we needed to get free
And it's a different kind
of brave we're working on
Kerry, today,
do you acknowledge and reaffirm
your love and
respect for Kenneth?
Will you keep him as
your faithful partner in life,
your one true love
and best friend?
Will you miss him
madly when you are far
and hold him close
when you are near?
- I will.
- (Celebrant laughs)
CELEBRANT: Kenneth,
will you continue
to provide for her
needs as best you can
and protect her from harm?
Do you reaffirm your promise to
laugh with her and cry with her?
To grow with her
in mind and spirit?
Will you reason with her
when reason works,
and laugh with her
when reason doesn't?
Will you love her
until the end of time?
- It's a big ask.
- (All laugh)
- KERRY: It's a big one, I know.
- But I will.
(All laugh)
- That's good.
- (Applause; Song continues)
The silence it'll fall
with the sun sinking low
I'll stand atop the mountain,
feel the freedom in my soul
And we'll go walking
hand-in-hand into the unknown.
(Cheers)
It's a different kind of brave
we're working on.