Love Virtually (2023) Movie Script

Love, the most
powerful force in the universe.
Or so some say.
At the dawn of mankind,
the selection of a mate
was a matter of survival.
Eventually, people began
to choose partners
out of loyalty
to family or tribe.
The industrial revolution
gave us the telegraph
and the telephone,
the 90's the internet,
and today, with the metaverse
nearly indistinguishable
from real life,
most of us prefer to live,
laugh, and love virtually.
Who am I?
My name is Roddy Danger.
And this is where it all began.
I was working part time
stocking shelves
to pay the bills,
maybe even earn
a few extra credits
for a power-up
or some new skins.
I mean, I always believed
I was destined for more,
but I didn't have
the confidence
to go after it...
until I met her.
Kimberly and I
have been together ever since.
We've explored every inch
of the metaverse together.
She's been my rock.
She was the one
who encouraged me
to pursue gaming full-time.
I want you to have this.
And as we grew together,
so did my spot
on the leaderboard.
I was on top of the world...
I'm so proud of you.
I knew you could it.
...until I wasn't.
It was a crippling defeat.
Hey, did you maybe
wanna get up today?
For a while,
I just felt like
I couldn't win.
When I fell apart,
my relationship took the hit.
No, it's fine.
Uh, we don't have to celebrate
my birthday this year.
This is the second time
this is happening.
I'm going to stay at my mom's
virtual cabin in New Hampshire.
I don't blame her
for giving me an ultimatum.
But this is your
last chance, Roddy. I mean it.
I'm lucky she gave me
another chance and this time,
I had to get it right.
What is it, Shifrin?
Sir. Sir.
I... Ugh.
- Thousand apologies
for the interruption.
It seems very urgent.
You have a fight request.
Well, who might you be?
I accept.
Kluck versus Danger.
Three, two, one.
Goodbye, Roddy.
An angry mob
of mostly peaceful protestors
stormed Los Angeles city hall
last night,
killing two and causing
millions in property damage,
in the third night
of dangerous civil unrest.
Infections are spiking,
fatalities are on the rise
and country-wide morale
is at an all-time low.
In more pressing news,
last night brought yet another
unsurprising victory
for video game fan-favorite,
Kalvin Kluck.
Whoo, Kalvin! Oh, he's the best!
We're lucky enough to get him
for an exclusive interview
right here tonight on the show.
- Kalvin, welcome.
- What's up?
Thanks for having me.
- Subscribe.
- We have subscribed.
Oh, we subscribed so hard.
You were great last night.
Congratulations on your victory
over relative new-comer,
Roddy Danger.
People are saying
that the relationship
between Danger
and his long-time girlfriend,
Kimberly Martin,
- is on the rocks.
You gonna pounce on that?
- Most def.
Now tell me this.
Once you've hit it,
will you or will you not
quit it?
- Oh, probably.
- You're a gentleman
and a scholar, my buddy.
Oh! Very exciting stuff, Kalvin.
Thanks for joining us
on the show.
I would like to take a moment
to thank our sponsors
for this stream.
Payless Shoe Source
and the new Brunswick chapter
of Antifa.
Coming up next,
we'll spill the tea
on why this star
of Beverly Hills Bitches
and this NBA hopeful
are both being canceled.
The answer might surprise you,
but it probably...
More after the break.
Are you in here?
I was just about
to clean up actually.
I was planning on it
this morning.
What do you want, Roddy?
I'm in...
I'm not good right now.
I need her back.
Well, maybe, you shouldn't have
acted like such a child.
Okay. Well, at least
I'm not a racist.
You're a prick,
and I'm going back to therapy.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- What, Roddy?
Can you just, like,
ask your therapist
what I should do?
Like, a professional opinion?
That's not what
therapists do. Goodbye.
No, they're
professional opinion givers.
They give...
They give opinions... professionally.
Clarissa, is everything
all right?
Sorry, that was my cousin,
Kimberly's boyfriend.
Or I guess ex-boyfriend.
I don't know.
He's such an idiot.
She thought
he was gonna propose...
Yeah, listen, uh, Clarissa,
why don't we get back to talking
about you for a second, okay?
Tell me. Why do you think
you're such a shallow,
worthless human being?
Is that what you think of me?
Is that, like, your
professional opinion, "Doctor"?
Oh, forgive me, sweetheart.
I was just mirroring back
what you said to me
before you picked up
what seemed to be
a wholly unimportant
FaceTime call during a session.
Right, right, right. Okay.
So, everyone hates me right now.
Like, they fired me from BHB.
I'm sorry. BHB?
My show, Beverly Hills Bitches.
Airing Sundays
at 9:00 p.m., only on TruTv.
Oh, honey, sweetheart.
No, you don't have to plug it,
I'm not gonna watch.
Well, basically, everyone's,
like, really mad or whatever
because I didn't post
a black square on Instagram
on #BlackoutTuesday.
It was, like,
right after George Foreman
was murdered
and everyone was, like,
pretending to care about
police brutality or whatever.
Yeah, I'm curious,
why didn't you?
I thought everyone
was supposed to post it.
- I don't know!
I was busy and I forgot!
- I see.
So, now you feel like a...
Go ahead. You can say it.
A worthless,
shallow human being.
Good girl. There you go.
Okay. So, this is why
you were canceled?
Well, no. No, I got canceled
because of the photo
that I posted instead.
- Dear Lord!
Is it that bad?
Why would you post
something like that
on BlackoutTuesday?
My account was on auto-post.
It was a paid ad from a sponsor
for a mud mask.
Well, then why would you
caption it "BLDM"?
It's #BleuDemure! It's French!
Honestly, I thought
it was gonna be
like the #PrayforParis thing.
You know, I didn't know
everyone was gonna be,
like, oh, we're all doing this.
I need prayers.
And where is everyone for me?
You know, all prayers matter.
That's how I feel.
- And I feel like...
I so wish
you could hear
what this girl
is saying right now.
I just have no tolerance
for racism.
Where are you
right now? At a rally?
No, I'm with a patient.
But... yeah, yeah.
And you know what?
We just pulled down
a statue of Mister Rogers.
That is so hot
that you're involved
in social justice.
My wife wouldn't be caught dead
at a rally.
He's obsessed. It's like
there's a wall up between us.
- He doesn't see me.
- It's my job!
- Yeah.
- I have to be obsessed.
- It's like you're last at bat
and the bases are loaded...
- If I can...
...and all of the sudden, boom,
you're in the penalty box.
- You have no idea
what he is talking about.
- Do I have to spell it out?
- Everything is canceled.
- Yeah, but...
- NBA, NFL, NWO...
- Next thing you know,
they're gonna cancel the NAACP.
- I don't understand
anything he's talking about!
- He won't look at me,
he won't touch me.
- Right.
- He won't kiss me.
- I won't kiss her, she says.
Wearing that thing on her face,
which will not take off...
I want to tolerate,
but... time out.
We've been quarantining together
for months.
- I'm not gonna get you sick!
- It's not that, I just can't.
- What's behind the mask, Angela?
- I'm hideous.
There's no one to attend
my cosmetic needs.
I feel ugly.
I don't feel like
I'm your priority.
Okay. That's...
I didn't know that.
Uh, of course,
you're my priority, Angela.
Look, I'm here.
Talking to the coach.
Or... Uh, Dr. Divine. Right?
- Look. Nothing
is more important to me than...
I'm so sorry, I gotta take this.
You see what I mean?
It is impossible to talk to him.
- You're not speaking
the same language.
- No, my English's premium.
I take ESL for six months
after Barry bought me.
Yeah, but it's deeper than that.
I am going to send you
a copy of a book
that I think might help.
It's called Sports
as a second language:
Communicating with toxic masculinity,
by Ray Rice.
I'm not doin' it. I'm not
doin' this V-Ball thing, man.
Monte, how can you say that?
You're killin' it, man.
We are this close
to making real bank here.
I'm still trying to dig you out
of the PR nightmare
of your last press conference.
I don't even know
what I did wrong, for real.
Uh, foot rub, Connect Four,
grilled cheese sandwich
and Mariah Carey.
Good question.
treating you as a virus.
Come on.
Nah, man. No.
I don't have the virus.
Look, I'll prove it.
You're gettin' that?
Gettin' that? No virus.
Whack 'em all that virus.
Whack 'em all.
You got two-thirds
of the NBA sick!
People are not exactly thrilled
with you right now.
I also lost everything, man.
You know when Viv found out
I didn't have
a contract anymore,
she broke up with me.
- Monte, you killed
her grandmother.
- Allegedly.
- Vivian!
- Gam-gam!
And you must be La Monte.
I would give you a hug,
but I'm 87 years old.
Oh, no, no.
I don't have the virus, gam-gam.
Look, I'll prove it.
- Gold digger.
- Okay. Monte, well,
if that really is the case,
then as your agent,
I would advise you
against dating girls
that only want you
for your status.
You know, Barry, I would
really take that in the heart
if you were still my agent!
Wait, what? What does that mean?
Baby, after all
we've been through,
I wanna play a song for you
that means so much to me,
just like you mean
so much to me.
Sorry, one second.
Uh... Oh, a-ha!
Imagine by the...
- Shit, sorry.
These projections
are looking great, boss.
Next score's gonna be awesome.
So, the laborers are working
overtime for the merch drop.
And your Kluckcoin
is up 10,000%.
- What up, sweetheart?
- Wow!
- Everybody wants to be part
of the clan.
- Oh, subscribe.
- Is there anything else
I can do for you, sir?
- Actually, there is.
I need you to find out
everything you can
about Kimberly Martin.
Kimberly Martin.
Oh, here she is.
Ended relationship
with Roddy Danger.
There's your girl.
Looks like, boss...
Girl looks like Margerie. Oh!
Don't you say her name,
you sycophantic cumspot.
I died that day.
I remember
like it was yesterday.
'Cause it was the night
that changed my life forever.
- Are you Kalvin?
- Yeah.
This is for you.
Who is it from?
Dear, Kalvin.
I've been thinking a lot
about you lately
and struggling
to find the words
to really express
how I feel about you in a way
that you'll be able to receive.
And while I find
your adoration flattering,
I want you to know
that even if we're
the last two people on Earth
and the fate of humanity
depended on us,
I would so rather
take my chances
trying to procreate
with a giant feral tree sloth
than to be with you.
Wishing you only the best
as far away as humanly possible
from me.
I truly believe
you'll never amount
to anything.
Yours never, Margerie.
P.S. Don't come to camp
this summer.
She's not coming.
You're looking for love?
You just gotta subscribe
to the universe, man.
I'll make it subscribe to me.
They'll subscribe.
- They'll all subscribe.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Her status.
Ah. Subscribe.
What is it?
I struck out.
Monte ejected himself
from the game.
No more time outs.
Even my father was right.
Maybe I...
I'm just not cut out
for the big leagues.
I almost thought I could do
better than junior varsity,
but look at me.
- Junior varsity? I thought
you were working on some big...
- He hung up on me.
He didn't wanna hear me out.
He didn't wanna listen.
Now I really have no one.
I've nothing.
You have me.
Do I? Do I really?
You don't think I know
you've been hanging around
the batting cages?
You don't think I can tell
that you've been swinging
at someone else's pitches?
- It's not like that!
- Hold on here.
Whoo! We've got a lot
flying back and forth.
And, Barry, I do wanna
circle back around
on some of those Daddy issues,
but one thing at a time.
Angela, is there something
you would like
to share with Barry?
Well, it's not a secret
that Barry hasn't been attentive
to my needs lately.
And it started when Nordstroms
closed down
and I had to start
shopping online.
Hi, I'm Chatbot.
I'll be your virtual liaison.
If you like to try
our new AR almost-real
shopping experience,
- just say yes.
- Yes.
Great! Follow me!
Oh, my, you are gorgeous
in that dress.
Holy mackerel, you look like
someone with self-esteem.
That dress is gonna get you
your husband's validation
and approval...
and it has pockets!
So, tell me, Chatbot,
how did you end up
working at a place like this?
You should be
running this company.
Well, it all started
with my grandfather, Clippy,
the Microsoft Word paper clip.
He came to this country
with nothing,
but pulled himself up
by his bootstraps.
I too started
with humble beginnings
as a spellchecker
for Mavis Beacon.
In the early 2000s,
I worked my way up
as an e-commerce backend.
From there I got myself
a neural linguistic AI upgrade
and got hired here.
I probably shouldn't be
telling you this,
but I'm leaving soon
to work full-time
on my dating app start-up.
I am also an immigrant.
I have been given everything
and yet I am not happy...
- until now.
- Do you love him?
Or... Eh...
I don't know, Barry,
he really gets me.
We speak the same language.
- He created a dating app
with an allergin...
- Algorithm.
I mean that, yeah.
And it has a perfect
success rate
for setting up couples.
Okay. That's stupid
and impossible.
Well, if you don't rush
and you could actually let...
I am trying. It's hard.
The letters are backwards,
I'm trying.
My wife is as frigid
as a frozen nun.
Tell me about it.
My husband,
he does nothing but work.
He hasn't touched me in months.
Oh, that's criminal.
I would touch you...
I would touch you all over.
Eggplant emoji.
Well, I would top that
eggplant emoji with parmesan.
Waterfall emoji!
eggplant, eggplant.
Grand Canyon... Waterfall.
- Eggplant. Eggplant.
- Christmas, Santa Claus. Oh...
I'm drowning...
Pharaoh King of Egypt!
Eggplant emoji.
Mother of God!
I just feel so alone right now
and trying to date
while the media is dragging me
through the mud
is literally impossible.
Well, that's understandable.
I mean, I think a lot of men
might be turned off
by the thought of dating
a racist.
That's not the problem.
Plenty of men wanna date me.
- Then, I'm sorry.
What's the problem?
- I don't wanna date someone
- who wants to date a racist.
- The racist being you?
These guys just wanna date me
because I'm pretty
and I'm famous...
- You may need to sandbag.
- I don't know what that means.
Well, it's the classic
reverse catfish.
You downplay your looks
and your celebrity
in order to attract someone
who would love you for you.
And while you're at it,
you might wanna work on
not being such a racist.
Just for fun.
- Sandbag?
- And in turn it will allow you
to be more... self. And...
Hey, little bear. How's
my biggest disappointment doing?
I'm not your
little bear anymore, Dad.
- Okay? I represent
the second largest...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aren't you representing
Esports gamers or something?
It's V-Ball, Dad.
Esports guys
aren't real athletes.
Bunch of smelly teenagers
on their mother's couches
who've never felt another man's
sweat drip down their backsides.
Yeah. V-Ball
isn't like regular Esports, Dad.
They're real athletes,
they're shooting hoops.
They can feel plenty of skin
through the haptic suits.
You can't feel
another grown man's hot breath
on your genitals
through a haptic suit.
- Why can't anything
I say be right?
- Stop being such a little girl.
You're like Timothee Chalamet
in Little Women.
Why can't I just be
one of the little women?
- 'Cause those girls are winners!
- Are you calling
just to torture me?
No. You still representing
that La Monte Mar kid?
They're calling him
the Black Larry Bird.
Yes, I know. It doesn't matter.
There's no league, anyway.
- There's a new one starting up.
- What are you talking about?
- The outbreak was on every
single continent except...
- Antarctica.
- No, no, no. No, you're insane.
- This is an opportunity
to get in on the ground floor.
Imagine, live ballgames,
raw adrenaline,
testosterone, muscled
man-on-man action in HD.
- Mmm.
- Give me one reason
not to hang up on you right now.
Listen, little bear,
I know I've been tough on you,
but I want you to be a winner
so bad, you're this close.
Remember, we don't just
do it for the game,
we do it for the camaraderie,
for the locker room,
for the post-game shower
with the team.
I got a table at Kaboom tonight.
You bring the talent
and you're in... with me.
Sorry about that. Thank you
so much for seeing me, Doctor.
I was just getting
my dinner ready, but, uh...
I could really use
some of your advice.
Tell me how can I help you.
Well, I would like to win
my girlfriend back immediately
if that's possible.
If we could be back together
by later tonight,
I would love that. I've been
texting her all the time.
She blocked me on WhatsApp.
I made a LinkedIn profile
and messaged from LinkedIn,
so that's kind of where
I'm at desperation-wise.
Well, most people believe that
acceptance and moving on
is the way to get through
a breakup.
Uh, but that's not always true.
Or a mistake. Yeah.
I agree.
These are mistakes.
So, what would
your suggestion be?
Well, conventional wisdom
would suggest that you are
possibly trying too hard.
But what if you're not
trying hard enough?
No, that's not it
because I'm calling her,
I'm hounding her friends.
The second she posts
an Instagram story,
I let her know right away,
"I love you forever
and I'll never stop loving you,"
you know.
"And I'm... I'm dying without
you and I wanna kill myself,"
What do you want me to do?
Actual cyberstalking?
- Like, hack into her network
and intercept her emails?
- Now you're talking.
I can't
go down that road again, Doc.
I've actually been down there.
You talkin' about the bowels
of the dark web. I don't think
that's a good idea.
And we have doctor-patient
confidentiality, right?
- You're not screen recording
this or anything?
Okay. Well, looks like
our time is up, so, uh...
Really? It's only been
two minutes though.
Well, you wanted to know
how to get your lady back
and I told you.
I mean, like, other therapists,
they would've wasted
the whole hour
waiting for you to come up
with it, but instead
I cut to the chase.
You're welcome.
So, was there anything else
that you needed?
I guess not. Thank you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Are you biting your lip?
I mean...
No, thank you.
Best of luck with your life.
Looks like
we're back in the game
for one last job.
I thought I fired you.
You got someone else
offering you a contract
to play ball?
I already have a contract
to play V-Ball.
- What do I need you for?
- Not V.
I'm talking real live ball.
- Oh, you serious?
- Yeah, I mean,
I didn't believe it either.
These guys are really doin' it.
They're bringing ball back.
- Okay. I'll believe it
when I see it.
- All right, well,
come to Club Kaboom tonight
and I'll show you.
I'm not going to a V-Club alone.
What if Viv is there?
- So, bring a date.
- Where am I supposed
to find a date, Barry?
- That's what clubs are for!
- Okay, don't bring a date.
I don't care, man.
- Just please show up tonight.
- Well...
You want me to come
to your party?
- Find me a date.
- Okay.
- So, my wife is having
an affair with an AI.
- Allen Iverson?
Oh, God. No, I wish.
No, it's like a...
It's a Nordstrom's
virtual assistant.
And apparently, he has this
dating app that's got
the world's best
compatibility algorithm.
- So, what's your point?
- It's not really cheating
if it's with an AI, right?
- You need to get a grip
on your life.
- Yeah, I probably do.
Look, here, I'm gonna
sign you up for this app.
I'm gonna send you a link
right now. Click on that link
and make a profile.
Don't use your real name.
And as my dad always says,
"Oh, leave the ball play to me."
Your dad really says that?
Just hack
into the ISP mainframe,
trace her IP address
to the beta synapse.
And I'm back
in boyfriend business, baby.
Did you know I was a wizard
who knows magic?
Oh... Kobe.
Rest in peace.
Welcome to Soul-Date:
the world's first
AI aggregated platform
for finding love.
I'm Chatbot,
your social liaison.
Um, What's up, Chat?
I'm La Monte.
She can't know
I play ball.
I'm a... Uh...
Coach... Swish.
Coach Swish.
Pleasure's all mine, Coach.
Now, please tell me
a little bit about yourself.
Maybe just say
basketball coach.
Is something wrong, Coach?
- Nailed it.
- So, tell me.
What are you looking for?
Hmm. I want a girl that's real.
Not shallow and fake.
And none of that
Chalamet shit either.
I want a girl that's chill.
Someone who cares
about racial equality
and don't really care
about me being
a high school basketball coach.
I want a girl... I want a girl
that's on the right side
of history.
I'll find you
just what you're looking for.
If anyone understands
human connection,
it's me, a computer.
All right, Chat, how's this?
Are you sure you want to use
this photo?
Yes, I'm sure, man.
This is the real me.
Great! Let's find you
some bitches!
- How about her?
- Nah. No, next.
- How about her?
- Why are you showing me this?
She's wearing a KKK shirt!
No racists, man.
My bad. That one's on me.
Come on, man. You know,
none of these girls
are what I'm looking for.
- I did just get one more in.
- All right. Let's see it.
All right. This one looks okay.
Let's get you guys
on a video call immediately.
- Initiating call now.
Shit. She's gonna recognize me.
Hey, is this Sally Mae?
Your video is not working.
Your whole face is blacked out.
Yeah, sorry.
My camera broke at, um...
- ...a protest.
I have so much respect
for the African American community.
Oh, yeah?
Respect, respect.
Oh, I can't see you.
You're too dark.
Oh, yeah. Uh,
they just turned my power off.
I couldn't afford
to pay my bills.
I'm just a simple high school
JV basketball coach.
Wow. I love how down-to-earth
you are.
You're so raw and real.
So, uh, tell me about yourself.
What do you do for fun?
Oh, um, you know, so much,
volunteering, uh,
community bridge building,
taking responsibility
for unchecked moments.
I really like you, Sally Mae.
You're not like the other girls
I'm used to talking to.
Which is zero other girls,
'cause again,
I'm just a simple
high school JV basketball coach.
You're different, too,
Coach Swish.
Your energy is like, contagious.
Oh. Please, uh,
just call me Coach.
Coach Swish is... Was my father.
Coach. You're so refreshing.
- Like an exfoliating mud mask!
- God, no!
Honey, I'm doing laundry.
So, don't come in here!
Now, where were we?
I'm thinking about
taking off these khakis
and slipping into
something more comfortable.
Yeah, you should
take off these khakis.
They're too tight.
- Are they pleated?
- They're pleated now, baby.
Oh, you got
a khaki tent for me?
- I want you so bad!
I want you so bad!
Oh, I got an idea.
Let's lock my husband in a room
and run away together.
Yeah. Or even better.
Let's chain him to my wife
because it seems like
they deserve each other.
I love that idea.
I love it!
Let's meet for real!
Not just text!
You mean...
- Yeah. VR.
Tonight, 9:00 p.m.
what was that?
- Nothing.
- Is everything
all right in here?
- Jesus Christ, Devine!
- I'm doing laundry. Get out!
- Right. Right. Just so you know,
I'm working late tonight,
and I can't be disturbed.
Oh, so, what else is new?
Would you please get out?
I'm about to do colors!
Wait. Computer, pause code!
Pausing code.
Club Kaboom?
Are you
a mega wealthy sports
conglomerate business owner,
or a lonely, horny single
with a recent breakup?
Well, that's
an oddly specific demographic.
Come enjoy
all the carnal pleasures
of the virtual world
at Club Kaboom,
Tokyo's hottest virtual club.
Nancy, hold my calls.
Daddy's going out tonight.
Very important night
for me.
Everything needs to go off
without a hitch. Okay?
- Every shot needs to be a goal.
- Sounds good.
- Can you get ready, please?
- Yeah, in a minute.
- It's him, isn't it?
- I was just looking
at a... meh-meh.
- What's meh... Oh, meme?
- Ah...
- Who sent you a meme?
- It was Chat.
It was Chat.
Of course it was Chat.
You know what?
Just tell me, did you...
You know what?
With him?
Is he bigger than me?
- Did you hear that?
- Yes, I heard it.
At least we don't have to
sneak around anymore.
You're the only one
who sees me, Chat.
And you deserve to be seen,
IP number 65747338.11.
- I don't deserve you.
- Look, I have an idea.
I think we should
go to that party.
Go make yourself up,
put on one of those
sexy virtual dresses
we just bought,
and knock 'em dead.
- Barry won't know what hit him!
- I don't know.
I haven't been out in so long.
You've got this. I know you do.
- Okay, I'll do it for you.
- You know what else
you can do for me?
Put that phone on vibrate
real quick and I'll show you.
- Is that all you think about?
- Fair enough.
Hey, that's not fair.
You just got here.
Can I help you, young man?
Hello, fellow cool guy,
I would like to get into
your club establishment.
Yeah, everybody would.
It's a dope club.
- You on the list?
- No, but... I'm Roddy Danger.
I'm a professional gamer.
- People watch sometimes.
- It's dope, dude.
Are you ranked?
Yeah. Actually, yeah. Top 650?
Oh, nice. Congrats.
That's pretty cool...
said nobody ever.
Look, bro, if you're not top ten
and you're not on the list,
which is somethin'
you're also not tonight,
so you're two for two
in the "not" category.
Then you're... Wait for it...
not coming in!
There's your third not.
And we also
got a dress code, okay?
No jeans, no tennis shoes.
And no weird thing that's
going on with your mouth.
- It's scaring
the shit out of people.
- Oh, come on, man.
Please, just...
Can you just give me a break?
Bro, I stopped giving
people breaks
after Rick Moranis
stopped acting.
You wanna stand in line
over there and wait?
Be my guest.
But I got too many dudes
in there right now
trying to get with chicks,
and I need to keep
this area clear.
No, don't...
Don't, please...
Congratulations. You've been
moved to back of the line.
Hey, dudes. Friday night.
Angela? It's, uh, it's 7:50.
Kick off's at 8:00. So, told you
this is really important to me.
- Go ahead without me.
- Why? What are you
doing in there?
Just go. I'll meet you there.
Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I...
I overreacted.
I... I really need you playing D
for me tonight, okay?
Oh! Yuck.
- Get out!
- Yeah, I should.
- Are you seriously
still in bed?
- Evidently.
Come on! I need you
to come with me tonight.
We're going out.
- I don't really feel up for it.
- Oh, my God.
You need to let this
whole Roddy thing go.
Okay? He's not good for you.
He is a boy and you need a man.
- If you're not gonna
do it for yourself,
then do it for me, okay?
I can't go to a V-Club
by myself at night.
It's not safe.
I don't really feel up to it.
This doesn't have to do with,
like, the whole me getting
canceled thing, does it?
Of course not. No, I just, um...
- Lemme think about it.
- No! No, that just means
you're going to blow me off,
which normally would be fine,
but, like, not tonight. Please.
Uh, lemme... Lemme
call you back, okay?
- Just one second.
- What the fuck?
We got your table
waiting for you.
All right. There's gotta be
a security flaw
in here somewhere, right?
Nothing can be perfect, right?
Give me something good.
Wait. Computer, pause code.
Okay, wait.
That can't be right, right?
Oh, shit, no!
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Daddy did it bad.
No, no, no, no.
Well, I think
I need some backup.
There he is. Take a seat!
There are some people
I want you to meet.
This is Vlad, Sergey,
Stav, and Bones.
- Pleasure to meet you all.
- So, where's the golden boy?
- He'll be here, Dad.
- He'd better be!
We need him
to get back to some
real hetero ball playing.
Let's cut to chase.
We're looking
to make a deal today.
Welcome to the single life.
No way.
Hey, Kim. I heard
things are on the outs
with Roddy.
Breakups are, like,
really hard.
I want you to know
I'm here for you emotionally,
as a friend
and also very much sexually.
Anyway, I hope you like
this video. Subscribe.
Well, isn't this something?
I didn't expect to see
your rat ass on my screen again.
You know we can't talk to you.
We're with Kalvin now.
- You guys are in the Klan?
Kalvin Kluck Klan!
Kalvin takes care of us.
Puts a roof over our heads.
He's a benevolent leader.
Yeah, even if we weren't
with him,
I mean, we can't be
talking to you.
You got a maxed out tab
and no collateral.
Look, I'm desperate, all right?
What kind of keygen you need?
- I need a backend
to Club Kaboom...
...with bottle service.
Tell me, Roddy,
you out of your mind?
Club Kaboom is the most
heavily-guarded club
on the Internet.
They've got firewalls
on top of firewalls.
No way you're getting in there
without an invite.
- I found a ruptured
open-source lockbox.
- That's impossible
with the security protocols
in that place,
probably get your ass kicked
sneaking into a place like that.
That's a risk
I'm willing to take. Look...
The girl I love
is going into that club tonight.
If I don't get in there,
I could lose her forever.
Kalvin Kluck Klan.
Kalvin Kluck Klan. Gut Shabbos.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I need your help
and I need that keygen.
Okay. Listen, stop talking
for a second and listen to me.
I... I have a guy who has access
to a skeleton keygen,
but it's not gonna be cheap
and this didn't come
from me, okay?
- So, are you coming?
- I haven't made up my mind.
Ugh! Just come.
You're being so annoying.
By the way, do you know
who Kalvin Kluck is?
Kalvin Kluck Klan!
He messaged me, like,
the second I changed
my relationship status.
Oh, my God.
He's actually kinda hot.
He's like Roddy's arch.
That doesn't feel... fair.
Oh, my God. Screw Roddy.
I'm going
to Club Kaboom tonight.
You should come. Subscribe.
- Who was that?
- You're never gonna believe
who's coming
to the party tonight.
Oh, my God. Tobey Maguire?
No. Kalvin.
Get it, girl! Come on.
Get dressed. We're going out.
Danny, are you coming down
for dinner?
I'm not hungry.
What the hell
is he even doing up there?
You know I can't talk about it.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- I don't know.
- He's not a patient, Devine.
He's our son.
Only biologically.
You should see me
right now.
I'm sprawled out on my futon,
in just a bathrobe
and jean shorts.
You could fry an egg
on my pectoral muscles.
- What were you saying?
- Um...
Why don't you come
join me in the tub?
The water is so warm.
Perfect for denim.
I think, uh...
Danny is on the dark web.
Oh, that's great!
Uh, what is that?
A Black Lives Matter thing?
My jean shorts
are busting at the seams.
I'll meet you
at the night club.
Black Lives Matter? No.
I think he's selling weapons
to Iran or something.
Uh, he's a hard worker,
just like his old man, huh?
I'm so sick of this.
You don't listen
and you don't care.
I heard everything you said.
Our son is selling arms
to Black Lives Matter.
- Where are you going now?
- I'm going to do some laundry.
More laundry?
Who's wearing
all these damn clothes?
Hello, this is Roddy,
Mr. Megladon, sir.
I'm a gamer.
I go by "Roddy Danger."
But you have
seen my streams, sir?
I need a open source
skeleton keygen
to get into a cyber club.
Okay, I don't know
who or what that is.
Jesus! What the hell?
I have to call the police now.
So, what are you, like, 12?
Okay, kid, listen to me.
The girl I love is going
into that club tonight,
if I don't get in there,
I could lose her forever.
I don't understand.
Why would you lose her forever?
It's just like there's gonna be
a bunch of guys in there,
you know, and I'm just afraid
she's gonna meet some gamer
who has his shit together
and fall in love with him,
you know, like,
someone who's ranked.
Yeah, because
you're kind of a little bitch.
Okay, don't say
mean things to people.
Where are your parents?
I can talk to you
however I want.
I have something you need.
Okay. Well, I have money.
I have grown-up money.
- Yeah? How much?
- I have, uh, $1,700
in traveler's checks.
Are you high? I mean,
we're not even in the same
conversation right now.
Besides, I only take
Bitcoin or Ether.
Okay, what if I get you the,
uh, French tugboat
from Alexandra Ocasia Cor...
- whatever her name is?
- Natalia Dominguez Martinez.
Okay, yeah, her. Okay, so,
I get the tugboat from her,
- and then you give me the key?
- Sure, but I mean, good luck
getting her to give it up.
Sure, I can do that.
Just tell me where to find her.
- What's the hold up, Barry?
- He said he was gonna be here,
I'm sure he's just
planning on coming in
at the second quarter.
You're embarrassing me.
Go get him.
- Yo.
- Where are you, man?
You were supposed to be
in this meeting 30 minutes ago.
Yeah, this girl
never got back to me
and I really thought
we hit if off,
so I decided not to come.
- Gotta brush up on the V-Ball.
- Here's what
I don't understand, man.
You begged me.
You begged me to find you
a place to play ball.
I do that. And all you have
to do is show up to this meeting
and you can't do that?
I told you, I'm not going alone.
You don't have to bring a date
to a business meeting!
Also, why would this girl
flake on you?
I don't know,
maybe she was intimidated.
- Monte...
- I sandbagged, all right?
Dear God, did you at least
tell me you got
tested afterwards?
What? No, man.
That's not what sandbagging is.
You said that I shouldn't
date girls who just want me
for my status or whatever,
so I told Chatbot
I was a high school coach.
That is not at all
what I meant! No!
You went way too far with that.
Dude, just please don't change
into something
that makes you look
little bit less
like a giant speed skater
- and get into
this meeting, please!
- Not without a date.
Here goes nothing.
No, no.
Why are you here?
You're a grown-up.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not a creep or anything.
I just need a French tugboat
from a pre-teen.
- I see. You seek Natalia.
Take you to her, I will.
- Thank you.
- Natalia?
- I know you,
you're Roddy Danger.
- I saw your stream last night.
You've really lost it.
- Yeah, I know.
- What are you doing here?
- I need a favor.
- A favor?
- Legally, I can't really ask you
to do anything.
Just, uh, think of this
more as a suggestion.
And I just wanna let you know
I did see
the Epstein documentary.
- Horrifying.
- Who's Epstein?
Not important.
So, there's this guy
and, uh...
- Well, he... He seems
to really like you a lot.
- Okay? I'm listening.
And, uh, he wants you
to give him something.
I'm not sure I like
where this is going.
What does he want?
- He wants a, uh...
- Spit it out. What does he want?
French tugboat.
It's that nerdy sixth grader,
isn't it?
What does he
call himself, Megatron?
Megladon. He's a great guy.
Really likes you a lot.
And, um, he's gotta have
that tugboat.
Really? Conventional
or a tractor?
Uh, conventional, I think.
- How many thrusters?
- I don't know.
And I don't wanna know.
I just know he wants one.
Every teenage boy wants one.
What's in it for me?
- I've got
some traveler's checks.
- Ew, gross! I'm a child!
That's not what I meant.
I'll tell you what I want.
- Get me
into the Kalvin Kluck Klan.
- Oh, come on. Really?
Get me into the Klan
and I'll give Megladon
his French tugboat.
Nah, this ain't gonna work.
ID? Oh, shit!
La Monte Mar Jones!
I had you on my daily fantasy
before you got canceled.
Bro, I don't care
who you senselessly murdered
with your negligence.
Be cool, playa.
Don't make a scene.
Fo sho, fo sho, fo sho.
I just gotta check you
real quick.
All right, you good.
Oh, shit, don't cough on me!
I'm just kidding.
That's it. We're doing this.
You can't cut!
I've been here for two hours!
I'm sorry! It's just the girl
I love is going into the club
and if I don't get in there...
Uh, never mind!
Roddy Danger?
What are you doing here?
You're not ranked.
- Hey, Kalvin.
- Hey, man.
I would love to stick around
and give you an autograph
or something,
but I gotta get inside. Subscribe.
Actually, Kalvin,
I need a favor.
Oh, okay. I'm gonna
try to put this delicately.
I think you're a wannabe,
talentless piece of shit,
and I am really not interested
in doing any charity work
right now. Subscribe.
You know what?
I'm sorry I asked.
I hope you have
a great night in there.
Oh, thanks, man.
I'll say hi to Kimberly for you.
You'll do what now?
Barry, I'm here.
Just waiting on my date.
She's in the meeting already.
What the hell
did you do to yourself?
You look like Urkel!
Could you put on a normal avatar
and get in here?
- I don't know why you teabagged
in the first place.
- Sandbagged.
Whatever. When she sees how much
money you're about to make,
none of that's gonna matter.
Where's Sally?
You... You texted me
that she was here already.
Yeah. She... She just
stepped out. Here, have a seat.
Hey, I got
the Kalvin Kluck Coin.
- That's what you need, right?
- Yeah. How did you get it?
- Oh, my God. Oh, no!
- What?
- Oh, that wasn't supposed
to happen.
- Tell me.
I used Crypto Klepto
to get a Kalvin Kluck Coin,
so I could get you
into the Kalvin Kluck Klan.
- Candidly, Crypto Klepto
caught his whole crypto clutch.
- So what?
So, I guess I mistakenly
kleptoed all his crypto cash.
If that ends up
on the blockchain,
you're finished!
- You got to dekleptonate.
- Dekleptonate?
Yeah. You have to reverse
the algorithm, and fast,
before the next
hashing cycle completes.
We're talking
less than 15 minutes here.
Okay. What happens
if I don't reverse it?
That's like, Grand Theft Auto,
except with money.
You'll probably
go to prison, idiot.
- It was an accident.
- Not really.
Look, Kalvin is in that club.
I need the keygen
to get in there
and I still need you
to give Megladon the thing
I need you to give him.
All right.
I'm taking care of that now.
- Done.
You just did it now?
I guess I thought it would, uh,
take a little bit longer.
Okay, one second.
Roddy, I got the tugboat
from Natalia. She's incredible.
No, don't tell me anything.
Just, uh, wash your hands.
And, uh, please don't
tell anyone I'm involved.
- Here, lemme send you a picture.
- Definitely do not.
Do... I repeat
do not send a picture.
Just please send the keygen.
Yeah, uh, I got your keygen.
Sending now.
Oh, yeah.
- Right, okay.
That's... That's...
That French tugboat.
What did you think
a French tugboat was?
You some kind of pervert?
This isn't Palm Beach island.
I know. And, uh, I was horrified
by that documentary,
just so you know.
- How did you even
get this thing?
- We don't need to talk about it.
Well, thank you. And if you have
a chance to speak to Natalia,
can you please tell her
to stop sexting me?
Can you all just
figure your shit out
and stop middlemanning me?
Y'all need Jesus
and cold showers.
Chatty, I need to
check in with Barry.
Why don't I meet you
on the dance floor
in, like, 10 minutes?
Oh, I'll be there.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
No, I'm glad you made it.
You're just in time.
- I want you to meet Vlad,
Sergey, Stav, and Bones.
- A pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine.
Now you two kiss hands.
- Dad, you were saying...
the league?
- Oh, yes, yes.
When I say "Antarctica,"
what's the first thing
that comes to mind?
Cold. Eskimos. The South Pole.
Well, not anymore.
We're turning Antarctica
into a hotbed for hoops.
We're turning this... into this.
Don't Eskimos live in the North?
Wait, wait. There's nothing
down there. Where we gonna play?
Thats where my new friends,
Vlad, Sergey,
Stav, and Bones come in.
They have financed arenas
and sporting franchises
all over the world.
They've secured a piece of land
right across
from Druzhnaya Airport
in Princess Elizabeth Land
and we're planning
to break ground next week.
Well, do we have
any other players signed on?
Of course. We're talking
to Rudy Gobert, Furkan Korkmaz,
- DJ Hightower, Nerlens Noel...
- We need to talk.
Not now. This is important.
...Chad Michael Murray,
the kid from Like Mike.
- We're even working on a deal
with Teen Wolf.
- Yes, now.
We're closing here. It can wait.
No, it can't.
Ugh! What are you...
Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
You need to get La Monte
out of there.
No, we're about to sign
the deal.
I overheard the Russians.
They're planning on drugging
his avatar
with a virus that could take out
all of V-Sports.
That's ridiculous.
Why would they do that?
So they could corner the market
with their Antarctica League.
- Why La Monte?
- Because he is like
Scotty Bippin.
If Scotty Bippin
was the most contagious man
in the world!
You just wanna ruin everything,
don't you?
You just wanna see me fail,
so you can sit back
and laugh at me, you and that
digital dildo of yours.
- Leave Chatty out of it.
- Chatty. Is it?
You think
I'm the one ruining your life?
You're trying so hard to impress
your macho father
and he doesn't care about you.
That's not true! He loves me!
- I'm his bear.
- Barry. you have to believe me,
I say this because I care.
Damn it, Angela.
You need to be
very, very careful.
If they know you know,
we're all dead.
- You gotta get La Monte out.
- Okay.
Okay. I have an idea.
I don't understand why you're...
What do you call it,
"sandbagging" yourself?
Because I've finally met someone
who likes me for me,
not because of my fame
or my looks.
Ugh. Should we be doing this?
Yes. Yes, we should.
- What's goin' on, ladies?
You have tickets?
- Duh.
- Well, can I see them?
- Yeah, here you go.
Have a great night.
Hey, just so you know,
there's no smoking inside.
Vapes, real cigs, or candy cigs,
to look cool in front of kids.
Ah, cool, thanks.
Clarissa, are you coming?
I can't find my ticket.
I'm on Coach Swish's
list though.
OMG, that's so epic.
Oh, my gosh.
He put you on his list?
That's big-time.
That means he really must
like you.
Psych. That's a fake name, sweetheart.
- There's no Coach Swish on here.
- No, he said he would
put me on the list.
Is everything okay?
Do you want me to wait for you?
No, no. Go ahead,
I'll be in in a minute.
I am so sorry about that.
Angela, can you excuse us
for a few minutes
to wrap this one up?
Just grab a drink or something.
I'll meet you
on the dance floor.
- So, where were we?
Let's cut to chase.
We want Monte Mar to be
the face of the new league.
- Well, I like the sound of that.
- You know, I just remembered
La Monte has a really
severe case
of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I told you that
in confidence, Barry!
Ah, this is not a problem.
Only one season
in Antarctica: cold and colder.
- That's two seasons.
- We're willing to make
a very generous offer.
What kind of offer
are we talking?
- That's what's up.
- Just give me one moment
to discuss with my client.
What the hell? Barry!
Okay, here's the deal.
There is no deal.
La Monte is never going
to survive two weeks
in Antarctica,
much less six months
of darkness.
You'd be making
a horrible mistake.
Perhaps I am not the one
making the horrible mistake.
You're treading into
very dangerous territory, boy.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Listen, to your papa.
He's smart man.
You sign deal,
you leave here alive.
- And if I don't?
- Then you leave here
how you say "not alive."
I just got in line.
Are you here?
I'm about 20 feet
from the front.
Oh, my God!
My husband is here.
That lying son of a bitch.
What an asshole!
I'll kick his ass!
We need to find
a disguise now.
Yeah, yeah.
Good idea. Where?
Raise your hand
so I can see you.
- I'm right here.
I see you. It looks like
my husband's gone, too.
Or that bastard must be inside.
Guess who?
It's me, Kalvin Kluck. Subscribe.
Oh. Hey, Kalvin.
- What's up, mamacita?
- Thanks for inviting me.
- Yeah, no doubt.
You want a drink?
- Uh, sure.
Amigo! Dos Dos Equis.
That's quattro Equis.
Actually, I only drink Odyssey.
A refreshing and delicious
energy drink
for mood enhancement
and peak mental performance.
With only 35 calories, Odyssey
uses nootropic ingredients
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of other leading energy drinks.
Odyssey Elixir.
Tap into the global
mycelial network
and the consciousness-raising
power of Metatron's Cube today.
Um, what?
Ah, that's weird.
Oh, I... I got it.
It's the least I can do.
Ah, subscribe.
I guess chivalry isn't dead.
Uh, what... Right.
Hey. So, like, no offense,
but do you want to go somewhere
a little more quiet?
- This some bullshit right here.
This is Swish.
Hey, I'm outside the club,
but they're not letting me in.
- I thought you were in already.
- Nope, just got here.
- Barry!
- Can you come get me?
Okey-dokey. Be right out.
Whoa, slow your role,
plain Jane.
It's all good, big guy.
She's with me.
Oh, that's what up.
Why didn't you tell me you were
here with La Monte Mar Jones?
- Because I'm not here with him?
- Seriously?
- Wait, isn't that the guy
who infected the entire NBA?
- Allegedly.
Wait a second.
Take off your Avatar.
- I really shouldn't.
- Take it off. Do it.
- I'm not really comfortable
with the whole idea.
- Show me some skin!
You lied to me!
You're that
basketball player who killed
Viviane Donner's gam-gam!
It wasn't even like that.
You don't know
what it's like to get canceled
for an innocent mistake!
You know what?
Just leave me alone, okay?
I'm gonna go find my friend
and we're getting out of here.
- What?
- Oh. Uh, hey.
Couldn't help but overhear.
Are you La Monte Mar Jones?
Why don't you
take a screenshot?
It'll last longer.
No, no. I'm not a fan
or anything. I mean,
I'm not not a fan.
I'm just hoping you might be
willing to use your celebrity
to help me get in there.
I accidentally stole
like a hundred grand
and also the love of my life
is in there.
Love is a lie.
Now leave me the hell alone
before I shove
- my size-17 sneaker
up your narrow...
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
- We're old friends.
I've got tons of nerdy-looking
white friends.
- He's also with me.
- You know I would, Monte,
but we at capacity
with dudes right now.
You know
this isn't coming from me.
I'm just not trying
to get shut down
by the fire department.
- I tried, dawg.
- Sir?
- Not happening.
- You don't get it.
I need to get into that club.
Yeah, and I need
a French tugboat...
What the hell is it
with you people and tugboats?
Oh, you people is it?
- No, don't do that.
You tell him why
you're really going in there.
- And I want you
to speak from the heart.
- Speak from your heart.
- I just said that, baby.
- Right. Sorry, go ahead.
I accidentally stole
a very large sum
of crypto from someone
and I need to return it
before the next hashing cycle.
No. I want you to tell him
why you're really here, Roddy.
Really, really here, Roddy.
- Oh, baby, again.
- Yeah, okay. Shh. You do it.
The truth is,
I messed things up big-time
with the girl of my dreams.
And I know she's in there
right now
and if I don't get to her,
I could lose her forever.
Wow. You really mean that?
You're doing this for true love?
Yes, this is all for true love.
You know, I told myself
this morning when I woke up
do not let any more dudes in,
but you have tugged
at the heartstrings, bro.
Rules are made
to be broken, huh?
Especially, in the name of love.
I love a good love story.
- I've seen
Bridget Jones's Diary twice.
- Uh-huh.
So, I'm just gonna
head in there real quick.
- Are you two also in love?
- No, we're having an affair.
- Yeah. Just started.
- Close enough. Get in there!
Kimberly! Kimberly!
I'm running out of time
here, man. I need you
to activate that keygen.
Yeah, I'm on it.
- Okay, great. Now what?
- Um, you know
how to use it right?
- Of course I know how to use it.
Just give me a quick refresher.
So, uh, where did you grow up?
Let's not, Kimberly.
You and I both know
why we're here
and getting
our emotions involved
would just complicate things.
Uh, Kalvin, I don't wanna
give you the wrong idea.
So, don't.
Uh, I really should go
make sure my friend is okay.
I really don't think
that's such a good idea
in your state.
What's happening?
Did you put something
in my drink?
Don't worry. I'm gonna take
really good care of you.
And that should only be used
in a worst-case scenario.
All I'm saying is you need to be
really careful.
Okay, yeah, I get it.
If I die in VR,
I die in real life.
What? No, that's not at all
how it works.
You need to be careful
because you committed a felony.
There's a million
private rooms here.
How am I supposed to find them?
Well, if it's Kalvin Kluck,
he's probably in the most
heavily secured room.
Um, sort by encryption.
Final chance. You bring
golden boy back,
- we forget this ever happen.
- Not happening.
Are you absolutely sure?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm so sorry.
I'm in the wrong room.
Hey, kid. Grab that vial!
- Why?
- Just trust me!
- Stop shooting! Barry!
- Dad, no!
What have you done?
Jesus, Roddy,
that's a Winners virus!
You need to get that thing
out of here now!
If that activates in the wild,
it could take out
the entire internet.
- Millions could die.
- Shit! Okay, I need you
to activate my keygen arsenal.
I'm gonna
smash that like button.
- No!
- Sweetheart, you've got to
stop struggling so much.
It's making it really hard
for daddy.
No, please get off me!
- Help!
- What the hell was that?
Moment of truth, man.
The reverse-algo is hot,
but if that
clutch doesn't touch
his avatar in seven seconds,
your Crypto Klepto
will be encoded
into the blockchain forever.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- What's it gonna be?
Time to decide.
Consider yourself... unsubscribed.
Wait, my crypto!
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Roddy Danger here
to rescue
his little pet girlfriend.
Nobody crypto kleptos
Kalvin Kluck's clutch
and gets away with it.
Game over, Danger.
I'll see you in prison.
you need to get out of there.
Just one minute.
I gotta take care of something.
What are you
talking about, freak?
Rematch. You and me. Right now.
Oh, you want a rematch?
Like, you've got a chance.
If I win, we wipe the clutch
and you never speak
to Kimberly again.
And if I win?
- Then you can turn me in.
- Roddy, no! It's not worth it!
- Kimberly, I got this.
- You got yourself a deal.
Yo, Megs, you got access
to the club's screens, right?
Sweet Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Do you know
what you're asking me to do?
That's VR inside VR.
It's like a dream
within a dream, man!
The club wasn't designed
with that kind of
processing power.
Can you do it or not?
I can do it. I'm just...
I'm not sure if I should.
Come on, man.
We've come this far.
Are you with me or not?
- I got you, brother.
- All right, let's do this!
- Stay with me, Dad.
- There's a light up ahead.
It's flickering.
Yeah, that's probably
just the halogen light
on the patio. I'm sorry.
I should've just taken the deal.
I never meant
for this to happen.
I just wanted you to be
proud of me.
I am proud of you, son.
You did the right thing.
You stood up
for what you believed in.
You were always Chalamet...
in Call Me by Your Name.
His breakout roll.
Papa, don't go!
I'll always be
watching your feed.
See you tomorrow for dinner.
The Roddy Danger
and Kalvin Kluck rematch
is brought to you in part
by People for the Ethical
Treatment of Avatars.
PETA would like to remind you
that everything that happens
in the metaverse
has the same emotional
and physical consequences
as the real world.
Three, two, one. Fight!
I'm gonna enjoy this a lot more
than I should.
Chatbot, you're
such a great dancer.
Even better than my husband.
Thank you for your feedback.
Please rate my service
in the online survey below.
Get your damn hands off my wife!
Ow! I've been hit!
Stop! You'll hurt him.
He can't feel anything.
He's not real.
You can't love him.
Tell him, Chat.
Tell him you love me.
I'm just here to help.
- Stay down, Danger.
I can make you feel loved,
cherished, adored.
I can make you feel seen
and understood.
But sadly, I myself
do not have a sense of honor.
Nor do I feel love or jealousy.
- I can't feel a cool New England
autumn breeze
on the back of my neck...
nor taste the subtleties
of a perfectly aged Chianti...
...or feel the hot shame
of a premature ejaculation.
It's gonna take a lot more
than that to kill me,
Roddy Danger.
Okay, enough.
This ends right now.
You and me, buddy.
Taste his blood.
You can hit me
if it will make you feel better,
but I'm not really the problem,
am I, Barry?
Look at your wife, Barry.
Do you really see her?
Yes, I see her.
- Then, tell her...
- Tell her what?
Tell her how you feel.
Angela, I know
the bases were loaded
and I wasn't in the dugout
when you needed...
- In English?
- Okay. Angela...
I know I don't always
communicate it well,
but I love you,
and I don't wanna lose you.
You had my back all along,
but I... I was the one
that shut you out.
I never bothered to...
I never learned to listen.
But I wanna give this
a real shot. I do.
I... I don't know
if we're gonna make it,
but I want to try.
Barry, there's no crying
in baseball.
- Do you really mean it?
- Yeah, I really do.
Well, then let's give it
a three-point slam dunk shot.
Yeah, that's not a thing.
You know what, we'll work on it.
What do we have here?
- Wait, Kalvin, no.
Don't drink that.
- Why not?
You plan doing
a little juicing, Danger?
I never took you for a cheater.
Lemme help you out with that.
you need to stop him.
That's a Winners virus.
If he wins, the virus spreads
to everyone watching.
With that ruptured lockbox,
it could fry the whole damn
global transport
control protocol.
Subscribe, big guy!
I can't let you win.
It'll kill us all.
Barry, what the hell
happened in there?
You beg me to come
and then you torpedo my deal?
Listen to me,
those guys were using you
to spread a V-Virus.
I don't believe you, man!
First you lied about my date
being here and now this.
I finally have a chance
to play ball again
and you ruined it!
You don't get it, it's over.
There was a fight.
They pulled out guns,
they shot my dad. He's gone.
- Is he okay?
- Is he... No, he's not okay.
Right. If you die in VR,
you die in the real world.
What? No. It just he has to
restart his whole computer,
it's a pain.
I almost made
the biggest mistake of my life,
but you saved me, Barry.
Yes, that's what agents do.
We're the good guys,
everybody knows that.
I'm gonna get you
the best deal out there.
I'm with you, man.
You looked out for me.
I'm with you to the end.
Now kiss him, you idiot.
Hey, I'm really sorry.
Can we talk about this?
Sure, what lies
are you gonna feed me now?
I wasn't trying to lie to you.
I just... I just wanted
to be seen for me.
You don't know how difficult
it is not knowing who to trust.
Thinking everyone
wants to be with you
just because you're famous.
You're just ordinary.
Must be nice.
Maybe we're not so different
after all.
Come on,
this place is coming down!
What in the hell?
Are you Clarissa Daniels?
And you sandbagged me?
Oh, Lord! Somebody
please come get this
gorgeous, white supremacist
bitch out of my face.
- It was a mud mask!
- Oh, Clarissa explains it all!
- I am...
End of the line, Danger.
Any last words?
Megladon, activate tugboat mode!
No! Tugboats...
My only weakness!
Come on... Not now.
Oh, my God! No!
Please. La Monte!
Somebody help!
Help. Oh.
Oh, you're alive!
I saw the other side.
This was all my fault.
I was the one
that got the NBA sick.
I was the one
that killed Viv's grandmother.
I was the one that ate
the bat soup
on my trip to China.
Hey, everybody, Clarissa Daniels
just saved
La Monte Mar Jones' life!
Maybe she's not
a racist after all.
You saved my life? Why?
What do you mean
why did I save your life?
All lives matter.
- Nevermind!
What? Are you kidding me
right now?
I just can't win.
Kimberly, I wish I can
get this thing to work
so you could hear me right now.
But if you're
out there somewhere...
I want you to know
that after tonight,
I'm willing to sacrifice
anything to be with you.
I just want one chance
to tell you I'm sorry.
I've screwed it up so much,
I'm so stupid.
You needed a man
and I was not a man.
But I swear to God
if you give me one more chance,
I will spend the rest of my life
proving you that I can be
the person you want me to be.
'Cause you're the only person
I wanna be with.
Oh, shit, was that...
- I heard what you said.
- Wait, how? I couldn't get
- the volume to turn on.
- Roddy, I live here.
So, yeah, I...
Yeah, I heard everything.
Wait, everything? Like,
you heard the part about...
Uh, yeah.
- Uh, by the way,
who is Megatron?
- Megladon.
- It doesn't matter.
All that matters...
- Huh? that I love you
and I can't lose you.
Roddy, how am I supposed
to trust you?
You left me
when I needed you the most.
Wait, what are you doing?
Something that I should've done
a long time ago.
Kimberly Annabelle Martin,
will you marry me?
If you wanted me to marry you
so badly, why didn't you just
come in the other room?
Uh, no. I'm, like, a weird,
coward and I just, like,
hide behind my screen
all the time.
And I'm afraid of confrontation.
Honestly, I don't even think
I know how to deal with life
in the real world.
But I finally realized that
life doesn't happen
at a Zoom comic book convention,
or even in a virtual reality
first-player shooter game.
Life happens right here
right now, right?
And what is the real world?
I don't know.
I just know that
this is the moment
that life happens and I want
my life to happen with you.
You had me
at "activate tugboat mode."
Wait, so does that mean...
Does that mean...
Yeah. Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
- I'll put it on now?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- It looks so good on you.
- You look so beautiful.
Now kiss her, you idiot.
Kiss her already.
Wait. Holy... I just realized
I didn't actually beat Kalvin.
The game just started blowing up
and I think
the virus is spreading.
- What? Oh, my God!
- We should probably...
Yeah, holy shit!
Oh, this is bad.
This is very bad.
- What?
What? I... I can't believe it.
It's gone.
It's... It's all gone.
It turns out that true love
was the cure all along.
- Aw.
- Really?
No, idiot.
But frying the entire
host system
apparently also kills it.
Hey, kid,
put on your headset.
Hey, I saw what you did
back there and I never do this,
but how would you feel
about representation?
Represent... Yeah. Yeah,
I'm all for representation.
It's a new world out here.
You know I didn't
actually win though, right?
Like, the game blew up
before I could...
You've got heart, kid,
and that beats winning any day.
- Really?
- No, not really.
- But I'm offering you a deal,
so just take it.
- You know, what? Uh...
I appreciate the offer,
but I think I need
to spend some time
in the real world,
with the people
that matter most.
He'll take the deal.
Get your hands off me!
Get... Get... Argh!
- What happened to him?
I caught
what Kluck tried to do
with your girl
on the security footage
and routed it to the central
security algorithm.
He's goin'
on a little vacation.
Three to five, for aggravated
virtual sexual assault.
This isn't over, Danger.
I'm coming for you!
Ah, shut the Kluck up!
I don't know
how to repay you, Megladon.
Wait, what about
the Kitcoin and the blockchain?
- Don't worry about it.
- What do you mean?
Kalvin got his clutch back,
but it was
after the hashing cycle.
All he has to do is report it
and they can contact trace it
back to me.
I'm telling you, all right?
Just... Just trust me.
Don't worry about the money.
It will never get back to you.
Megladon, what did you do?
The less you know
the better.
My club. Look at it.
I'm never gonna
financially recover from this.
Do you have any idea
how much business
this place does?
I'm gonna have to do
a hard reboot.
I could be offline
for two and a half hours
on a Friday night no less.
This is gonna cost me millions.
Who's gonna pay for this?
I think
you might have one last spin
on that keygen.
You know what to do.
Oh, I think there's only
one thing left to do.
Let's dance!
And so, peace
was restored to the metaverse.
I won back the girl
of my dreams
and broke my losing streak,
kind of.
I think things happened
to the other characters, too.
It was great.
life moves pretty fast.
If you don't take your
headset off and look around
once in a while...
you'd miss it.
'Cause you're gonna be
Runnin' away
Inside the space
I'm on right away
Hey, I love you virtually
Night and day
And I was here to play
I don't care what it takes
Love, I love you virtually
Breaking news. In a stunning
reversal of fortune,
recently disgraced gamer,
Roddy Danger,
has apparently saved the world.
And won back the heart
of his non-gamer girlfriend,
Kimberly Martin.
Meanwhile, cyber cult leader,
Kalvin Kluck,
has been arrested for operating
a pyramid scheme.
And is being investigated
for cyber terrorism,
for his attempted release
of the Winners virus.
I'll get you, Roddy.
I'll get you!
And on a personal note,
I never fucking liked that guy.
Uh, I need five minutes.
I'm just wasting
everyone's time now.
Good show, everybody.
I honestly just don't know
how I'm ever gonna
trust him again.
And I feel the same way.
After the trust his gone,
what are we supposed to do next?
That being said...
I have to admit the whole thing
was kind of exciting.
All the sneaking around...
kind of reminded me
of back when you were
my professor.
- She was my student.
- That's implied, Devine.
Uh, she was a very bad student.
Uh, she had a safe word
"chicken in the pot."
It was "jerk chicken," honey.
We've moved on from that.
Oh. We've moved on from that.
We've changed that now.
Well, you know, the secret
to a good relationship
is communication
and the ability
to fully express yourself
with integrity.
I'm glad you are finding
new ways to connect.
Speaking of which,
have you ever heard
of a French tugboat?
Uh, isn't that
the ultimate gaming weapon?
- That... I think it was
the ultimate gaming weapon.
- I just said that.
What? No. It's a threesome...
with an AI.