Love vs. The Red Pill (2024) Movie Script

(upbeat music)
So I'm going to keep this
meeting short and bittersweet.
You know I'm a firm believer in tough love,
so I got to give it to you straight.
Our numbers are down from last month,
because our top producers
are not giving us top production.
And of course, our
mediocre producers continue
to give us mediocre production.
Stan?
Umm, A?
Hey man.
I know it's hard seeing your
woman with another guy,
knowing that he's just
tapping that ass every night.
(all clapping)
I mean, she's not my woman, damn it.
I drink too much at the company's social.
Yeah, right.
Just kills you, you
can't have this anymore.
I'm not having this
conversation again, please.
Dismissed.
Stan, stay behind for a quick pow-wow.
(bell ringing)
Let me know when you're
ready to step up your game.
- Come on, man.
- Let me start.
Shut the fuck up.
Now, think of me as the
Steve Spurrier of managers.
I rip your ass in public.
I give you praise in private.
Now Stan, you are my most
talented salesman, hands down.
You have to stop pining over a woman, man.
It's distracting you from
meeting your full potential.
I am not pining, man.
I mean, she's still hitting on me.
I mean, I don't know what else to say.
Let me ask you this.
How many plates are you spinning?
Plates?
Yeah, plates.
How many women are you currently dating?
Well, I don't see all
this is relevant, but none,
at the moment.
That's what I thought.
Stan, when your knob isn't getting slobbed
on a consistent basis,
your production drops.
And as your manager,
I have to address this.
So now I have to introduce
you to formalized game,
so you can start spinning plates.
What about you, huh?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Come on.
A guy like me is obviously spinning plates.
Stan, have you ever
touched a shooting comet?
No.
And I don't think you have either.
I am the comet.
And you have come
nowhere near my fiery tail.
I will teach you, my son.
Now get back to work.
(upbeat music)
All right, I'm sorry, Kelly.
I cannot accept your bro talk right now.
It's different for women.
With women there are a whole lot of
Okay, that is sexist.
I deserve props for my accomplishments
just as any guy would.
Mmm.
All right, now, before
we even get into this,
does this game of yours
happen to involve swiping right?
No.
We met the old-fashioned way.
As you know, I'm a fan of the old school.
Like those Chuck Norris posters?
In his prime, baby.
So we met at the bar.
I saw him looking fine,
talking to his friends,
and I approached him.
Look, it's way easier for a
woman to get laid than a man,
all right?
Always has been.
And why is that, Paul?
I'm glad you asked, Misty.
Men are biologically wired
to have sex when it's available
as opposed to women
who are biologically wired to be selective.
I'm sure Jessica would love hearing this.
[Paul] Yeah, she does
get a bit huffy and puffy
with these sorts of facts.
And can you elaborate
on this biological difference, my dear?
Well, I'd be happy to, honey.
See the difference between male potency
and female fertility create
different biological instincts.
Now, I'm not sure on the exact number,
but I believe the average
male can produce enough sperm
in his lifetime to foster
around 12,000 kids.
Which is why, unrelated
subject, why some countries
have laws that limit the amount
of sperm donations they
can get from one guy.
And female fertility?
Yes.
And again, I don't recall the exact number,
but I believe the average female can mother
around 14 kids in her lifetime.
So instinctually you have to be selective.
And this basically goes across the board
for the entire animal kingdom.
Males are wired to mate
with as many females
as they can and females are wired
to find the best possible mate.
Okay, fine.
But you don't think women can be smooth?
I mean, I've seen Kelly talk to dudes
and she's pretty damn smooth.
Thank you.
Y'all just toasted like two minutes ago,
you realize that, right?
There's no rule against it, is there?
(Paul laughing)
I mean, actually she was really smooth.
She saw me wearing a
Braves jersey, she came up,
just started talking
Braves baseball with me.
I mean, how awesome is that?
Wow.
He speaks.
Isn't that incredible?
(chuckling) All right,
let ask you this then, bud.
Say she wasn't being all
smooth and knowledgeable
about Braves baseball.
Would you have turned her down?
Ah.
See?
Come on.
That's what I'm talking about.
Look, even if you were
much less attractive,
let's say you were a four.
I don't even want to know my rating.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
All I'm saying is if you
were much less attractive,
let's say a four, you'd
still probably be able
to pick up a nine or a 10 at a bar
just by being available, all right?
I don't believe that.
And don't even need
to say anything special.
Just like, "Hey, I'm horny. You
want to come home with me?"
And then boom, you're
getting that d in no time.
Now us men, on the other
hand, we have to be smooth.
- Am I right or am I right?
- Oh, shut up.
All right, so speaking
of your smoothness,
I think I was drunk the first time
you guys originally
told me, but how exactly
did you two meet?
I mean, don't get me wrong.
You guys make a great couple.
It's just you're so different.
I mean, you're a vegetarian and he's
I know, I know.
Well, we never would've
met online, that's for sure.
Oh hell no.
She was at one of those
meat-is-murder rallies
protesting in front of a burger joint.
Now normally I leave these wackos alone.
Hey!
But she was in front of a
mom-and-pop shop this time.
So I just had to say something.
Now, not only was she the
most beautiful woman there,
she was also wearing one
of those stupid real men
don't eat meat t-shirts.
And what is so stupid
about those t-shirts.
That's the psychology behind it, babe.
I mean the expectation
that the man is going to look
at you, read the T-shirt,
and think to himself,
"Well, I'm a real man,
so I guess I shouldn't eat meat anymore."
I mean, come on.
So I impressed her
with my intellect arguing
about the morality of
hunting animals for food.
No, I was impressed
by the comical premise
of the argument.
He thinks, you know what my dear?
Why don't you explain your rationale?
Okay, so animals do not die
of old age in the wild, right?
They only have three options.
(upbeat music)
Our little debate tonight would've
been a lot more lively if
John and Jessica were here.
Yeah, when they're in the same room
they never fail to entertain.
You'd think they used to date.
What were they even doing tonight?
It's not like either one of them
are dating anyone right now.
Well, John thinks he's
some kind of player now,
so he's in his words, "sarging."
And Jessica, well, she's
fallen into the Netflix trap.
Wait, what?
Just binge washing
during all her free time?
Yeah.
Well, we got to help them out.
Don't get me wrong. They can
do whatever they want to do.
It's just
They're both happier
when they're in relationships
and neither one of them wants to admit it.
Especially Jessica.
I mean you so much as even
approach the subject she goes
into her whole, "Oh, you think I need a man"
"to be happy," routine?
What we need to do is think of a strategy.
Well, we can get them on dating apps.
Most relationships start online.
Yeah, but the divorce rate
is three times higher for
people who meet online.
Mmm.
So we find a good guy
for Jessica and a good girl
for John ourselves.
Yeah, but
But what?
Well, a high-value
man isn't going to want
to date someone unless
there's a possibility
of a long-term relationship.
And with Jessica
Why wouldn't a man want a
long-term relationship with her?
She's beautiful.
She's smart.
She's your cousin.
I can't believe you're
saying this about her.
I know she's my cousin and I've loved her
since she was a kid
and that's why I'm
bringing this up, all right.
I mean, if a woman sees marriage
as an oppressive institution
and any participation
in household chores as
the equivalent of slavery,
you're going to be a little hard-pressed
to find someone who's interested.
I mean, that's a pretty
exaggerated version
of her view, babe.
Oh, kind of isn't.
So... So what about John?
I am so sick of his shit.
His new So-called Red Pill awareness.
"That's beta.
That's alpha.
She's got to be in your frame."
Dude.
He does have a few good points.
Paul, the guy refuses to
compromise on anything.
How's that for marriage material?
What self-respecting woman is going to want
to a guy that expects her
to make all the compromises?
I agree.
And I've straight up told him.
I've been like, "bro, you're going to have
to watch a chick flick every now and then."
It's more than that
and you know it, Paul.
Yes, Misty.
I do.
I do.
All I'm saying is I
think that John is fallen
into a large group of men
who have legitimate fears of marriage.
- That's all.
- Oh, legitimate.
Are we talking about other
men or are we talking about you?
Uh, okay.
We have talked about getting married.
Yeah, we've talked.
So, about other men's fears.
Yes.
I've heard this from John so many times.
(clearing throat) "Since-no fault divorces"
became law, allowing one person
to unilaterally end a marriage,
70 to 80% of all divorces
have been initiated by women.
Now, feminists say that's
because men are so abusive,
but that's bullshit
because the two most common reasons given
by women who divorce their husbands are,
"'I didn't need him anymore
or I knew I would win in court.'"
Come on.
Now let's get down to business.
Are we going to make this bet or what?
Okay.
I know I can set up John before you
can set up Jessica with someone long term.
No.
By my parents' anniversary party, they have
to be in a relationship
with the same person
for at least two months.
And if one of them finds
someone on their own?
Still counts.
Mmm.
And the stakes?
If I win, Jessica's
in a real relationship
and John isn't, I'll make
it easy for us in the future.
Okay.
I name our first kid if
it's a girl and you name it
if it's a boy, instead of
us arguing over names.
Uh, well, okay, we haven't
even gotten engaged yet.
Yes, but we've talked about these things
and we've been dating for two years.
That's true.
More importantly
though, I'm getting a sense
of some kind of Bobby
Bonilla contract shit.
I mean, the ramifications of this can go on
for my entire life.
What if you pick some dumb
celebrity type name like Apple?
Well, all the more reason
that you should help John and win.
Well, all right.
And if I win, John's in
a long-term relationship
and Jessica isn't, we
do things the right way
and I get veto power
over any name, boy or girl.
And obviously no sabotaging the other.
Well, obviously.
We're here to help.
Seal it with a kiss?
Now our job is to get you
in the game and introduce you
to formalized game so you
can start spinning plates.
We are all well-trained
at formalized game.
Mystery methods, speed seduction,
the London Day game
model, just to name a few.
Now, I'm not going to be as proactive
as I normally am because
right now there's a plate
that's spinning at the top.
Congratulations, bro.
Thanks bro.
Hey, just don't get one-it is.
Hey.
Never.
Bet.
Now, first part of good game, inner game.
We got to crush your approach anxiety.
Remember this.
One woman, one vote.
Huh?
One woman's opinion of you
only represents her view of you.
Not every other woman's view of you.
Exactly.
You could get turned down cold by a seven,
but a nine will be all over all you.
In the same night, bro.
One woman, one vote.
[All] One woman, one vote.
[John] Now first thing we're going to do,
throw you head first in the cold water.
No game.
First set, you see, go for it.
One of us is going to go
first and then it's all you.
Trust me, you're not going to grow with
that internet shit, okay.
Time to sarge.
You ready?
Let's go.
(upbeat music) (all chattering)
(upbeat music)
Remember this, three second rule.
If you make eye contact with a
woman, you have three seconds
to approach her or
you lose all credibility.
Go into the four set over there.
Cold water time.
No game on the first.
Hey.
I saw you sitting over here
and I just had to say hello.
What's your name?
I'm Zofia.
What's yours?
Oh, that is a beautiful accent.
Where are you from?
Poland.
Oh, very nice.
So, Zofia, before I invite
my friends over here,
I have to tell you something.
[Zofia] What?
My mother told me, never
ever date a Polish woman.
And why is that?
Well, it's because while
they're beautiful, and fun,
but they're absolutely crazy as hell.
(Zofia laughing)
Shit.
Crazy boy.
- Whoa, whoa, damn girl.
- What?
I mean you didn't notice you
almost knocked my chest off?
Are you going to cry about
it all night like little girl?
No, I'm just saying
you may want to ease up
with the sweep.
[Zofia] You have good night.
You're a bitch.
What the fuck was that?
I didn't know women could hit that hard.
Come on.
Dude, they're from Poland.
They were invaded by Nazis and Soviets.
They were under Communist rule for decades
and fought that shit till the bitter end.
They probably still have
underground fight clubs just
in case they got to
fight the commies again.
I mean, true.
But still.
I got my first one of
the night out the way.
Now you can see things get a little weird
when you're not using game.
Now for what you need
Hey, hey, hey.
There's a two set by the
old jukebox calling his name.
Listen, before you head over there,
it's not just about getting the girl.
We want maximum arousal.
You want her basement flooded.
Exactly.
And how do you achieve
maximum female arousal?
[Both] Forbidden fruit.
Now listen, when I pull into a small town
and I see Confederate
flags flying, I know I'm about
to start popping pussy in no time.
Dads are telling their
daughters not to date Black guys.
You know what happens.
But what about us?
How to achieve
something like the forbidden
Fruit.
Now, listen, take those
beautiful women over there.
They've probably never been
to Africa, but what we want
to do is approach them
like African tribeswomen,
and you're throwing
a spear their direction.
And the spear is a
metaphor for your dick.
Yes, A metaphor.
But you have to remember,
men like to communicate overtly.
Women prefer to communicate covertly.
Okay?
- Okay.
- All right, go over there.
Get your first approach out the way.
You got this.
You got this, Stan.
Okay.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got this.
Exactly.
(upbeat music)
Oh.
You just got rocked, son.
Dude, what happened?
[Stan] Yeah, apparently
they weren't really
into the whole African spear dick routine.
What?
Wait, you led with that?
[Stan] Well, you didn't
tell me not to lead with it.
Oh my.
You know what guys?
This is my fault.
We need to go through the
process with him step by step.
[Both] Agreed.
Remember this.
All solid openings have
one thing in common.
They're different from
what women are used to.
(cymbal crashing)
How do men usually open up women?
[Stan] I don't know.
Introduce themselves and
tell her she looks beautiful?
[Person] Exactly.
Never do that.
[Stan] Why not?
Because you're putting yourself
in the same category
as thousands of other simps online
telling her the exact same thing.
We're going with indirect game here.
Start with some questions.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a female opinion on this.
Good.
You're going with the
jealous girlfriend opener
and they haven't shut you down.
Now before you get too
into it, a woman will worry
that if she gets into a
conversation with a guy,
he'll latch onto her all night.
So we're going to torch that concern
right off the bat with
a fake time constraint.
(cymbal crashing)
No, I totally agree
and that's what I've been
saying this whole time.
Hey, I actually got to get
out of here in like five minutes,
but do you mind if I
take a seat for a minute?
No.
[Stan] And what if five minutes pass
and she's really interested?
Wouldn't I be lying if I
stayed past five minutes?
Trust me, she won't care.
Okay, she's reached the hook point.
She's giving you a legit shot.
Now it's time to DHV,
demonstrate high value.
(cymbal crashing)
[Stan] How do I do that?
For now, we need to
show that you can bring fun
and intrigue on your own.
There's routines and chit-crack quizzes
that reveal general
aspects of her personality.
They're not difficult to memorize.
Okay, looks like you're going
with the palm reading routine,
kind of the lamest one.
But it seems to be working
and that's what matters.
And now that we've DHV'd, isolate.
(cymbal crashing)
The purpose of isolation
is it's almost impossible
to make an emotional
connection with distractions.
In other words, her friends
or any possible male orbiters around.
Once you've isolated,
now, it's the perfect time
to delve into deeper conversations
to create that emotional connection.
(cymbal crashing)
So if you knew that you
couldn't fail at anything,
what would be the first
thing that you do tomorrow?
First thing I would do is
Okay, it looks like the
emotional connection is clicking.
[John] This is when kino really matters.
(cymbal crashing)
[Stan] Kino?
Kinesthesia, touching.
Are you familiar with oxytocin?
[Stan] You mean oxycodone?
- No, my pill-popping friend.
- Come on.
Oxytocin, the love hormone.
It facilitates bonding between people.
Once the emotional connection is there,
kino can really pump
oxytocin like nobody's business.
Here we go.
Time to touch.
All right, that worked to perfection.
Now it's time for the kiss close.
(cymbal crashing)
We all use different ones
and you've heard all of our pitches.
Now, which kiss close are you going to use?
- Yo, pick mine, bro.
- You know mines is the best.
So on a scale from one to 10, how good
of a kisser are you?
I don't know.
Let's find out.
(all cheering)
(all chattering)
(upbeat music)
(birds chirping)
(both laughing)
Anyway, it's such a double standard.
If guys saw female volleyball players
slapping each other's
butts after a good play,
they'd be like, "Look at
that hot Lesbian action."
But when they do it on the
football field, it's supposed
to be this super heterosexual
display of manliness.
Well, there are rules
to the football butt slap.
What rules?
First, open flat hands, no cussing.
Second, only one slap per butt.
And last but not least,
no looking at a dude's
butt after you slap it.
Okay.
Even so, think about when
it's appropriate for a butt slap.
Well, after a good play, of course.
And after a bad play.
Don't worry about it, you'll bounce back.
Boom, butt slap.
After a bad play, boom, butt slap.
After a good play, butt slap.
It's like why can't guys just admit it?
Getting a little gay with each other
during the game hypes them up.
- No shame.
- Well, maybe.
And when I point out their hypocrisy,
they love to point out
my alleged lesbian encounter in college.
Alleged?
It's like guys think
that every girl who
went to college had this,
"I'm not sure if I'm a lesbian" phase,
had a lesbian encounter, and then decided
to go strictly dickly for
the rest of their lives.
Well, did you?
Moving on.
(both laughing)
[Misty] Damn it.
[Jessica] So, what's on your mind?
Well, how's the love life these days?
(sighing) You know,
just enjoying the single life
these days.
Pretty much going out
with Netflix right now.
Yeah.
I remember those days.
So, when do you think
you'll be ready to date again?
Mmm, who knows?
Probably not going to be serious
about a long-term relationship for a while.
What do you mean?
You were much happier when
you were in a relationship.
Maybe, but I never
needed a man to be happy.
No, no.
Of course not.
You were just happier.
And I mean, that's what matters.
Maybe.
But maybe I'll be happier
focusing on my career.
I'll play the fields, have some fun.
Don't look at my cards.
And, you know, wait till I'm 40
or something before I settle down.
I don't know, Jessica.
Come on.
Guys do it all the time.
I mean, they wait till their 40s or 50s
before settling down, like
Clooney, to start a family.
That is true.
And Clooney is still fine as hell.
But it's just different with guys.
How?
Well, the difference between male potency
and female fertility.
Ew.
What?
Is this Paul talking?
No, it's not.
Oh, my God.
These are actually my views.
And maybe it's sexist for
you to think they're not.
I'm just saying.
I didn't mean it like that.
Mm-hmm.
I'm just saying in the two years
since you've been dating Paul,
it's like you've absorbed
him through osmosis.
I mean, yes, it's your views, but
But Jessica, you've
known Paul your whole life.
You know he's right sometimes.
Sometimes.
Okay.
Just hear me out.
As long as men are breathing,
it's possible they can father a child.
Three out of four men over the age
of 70 can get a woman pregnant.
Yeah.
But without the help of
Viagra or some procedure.
Yes, obviously.
But I mean, with women,
we start to lose our fertility in our 30s.
Now Jessica, you know I'm all about choice.
Yes, choice.
I get it.
I'll support your choice if
that's really what you want,
but I just want you to weigh out the pros
and cons of each choice
before you make one.
Our time frame for biological motherhood
is just less than men's.
(sighing) Yeah.
And that's not fair.
It's not fair.
But what do you want me to do?
Sign a petition and send it up to God?
It is what it is.
Also, there's one other thing.
What?
If you're going to focus on your career,
shouldn't you actually like your job?
You hate your job.
(scoffing) I haven't found my niche.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, Paul and I want to set you up
with somebody when you're ready.
Will you at least consider it?
Whatever.
What do you mean whatever?
(sighing) Fine.
I'll consider it.
Good. (Chuckling)
And you promise to come
over and hang out with me
and Paul this weekend?
Sure.
Is John going to be there?
Probably.
But Kelly will be there too.
We should have them outnumbered.
Okay.
[Misty] Good.
(upbeat music)
[John] What up?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, ladies.
Slater.
What's up, my boy?
[All] Oh.
- John.
- You guys all play?
John, we were all
just talking about this,
and even you'll think
this guy's a major asshole.
Oh?
Even me?
Even I will think he's a dick?
So tell me, why is this guy a dick?
This jerk.
So he goes on a date with
a woman he met online,
and the next day he texts
her saying she's too fat
for a long-term relationship.
Well, did she catfish him?
No, John, she didn't catfish him.
Her profile photos were recent
and it showed her profile page.
Well, then we all know
what happened, right?
What?
What do you think happened, John?
Nothing but headshots.
It's true, isn't it?
It doesn't matter.
Probably at a high angle too.
It doesn't matter if
it was only headshots,
he should have been more respectful.
True.
Yeah, he should have just ghosted her
or told her he was gay or something.
But let's not forget her part in all this.
Being a victim from
going out with an asshole?
Jessica, this is what fat women do.
Wow.
[John] They hide their
weight through high angles
and trick photography.
Fat by whose standards?
Her own standards.
Knowing that the guy she
wants online ain't going
to message her back when they see
those love handles and back fat.
Ugh.
I can't believe you're defending him.
I mean, this is too much even for you.
Even for me?
Again?
All right.
I'm not defending the guy.
I'm just saying that she's
at least partially responsible.
As for him, he's mostly
guilty of being naive.
Come on.
Any man with any understanding
of online dating knows
that if you meet a woman
who has only headshots,
then you're rolling the dice
with a very low chance of success at best.
(upbeat music)
Okay.
So, he's mostly guilty, but not
for the jerk text message
he sent, for being naive?
Yeah.
Maybe it's what she needed to hear.
Here we go with the tough love talk.
She's single for a reason.
Maybe guys lying about
this bullshit was hurting her
in the long run.
I can't, I can't reason with you.
Okay.
Needing to know a woman's weight
before you date her is shallow.
End of story.
Mmm.
No, not end of story.
What about you asking men how tall
they are before you meet them?
How did you know that?
Did you hack my dating profile
- Oh.
- Before I was with Ken?
I didn't, but you just told me, baby.
Yeah.
Why are you guys laughing?
I don't get it.
What is it?
Jessica, before I was
with Misty, I did my fair share
of online dating and pretty
much every woman asked me
how tall I was before we met.
I mean, hey, tell me, have
you ever met a woman online
who didn't ask how tall
you were before you met?
Man, I put my height
in my profile description
so they don't have to ask me.
But you put it in your profile
because you knew they would ask, right?
- No.
- Right?
No, it's not the same.
It's different, okay?
Yeah, it's so much worse.
Because you can change your weight.
How the fuck are you
going to change your height?
That's a fair point.
That's a moot point in this climate.
What do you think?
Well, I mean, it is
kind of hypocritical for us
to get upset over them checking our weight
when we're always checking their height.
- Oh, my god.
- Finally, some sanity.
Okay.
All right. Let's just take a short break.
Come on, guys.
- Let's girl talk outside.
- Yeah.
I'm already out the door.
I'll be here when you get back.
(both laughing)
You're going to be gone
in a week, it doesn't matter.
Why did you have to bring him here?
I mean, he's my cousin and
Paul's best friend, he's going
to be over here.
Besides, what else are you going
to do tonight other than watch Netflix?
Mmm.
See, this is why you
should start dating again.
Think of it as a fun third
option for your free time.
Yeah.
I'm going to have fun
with my third option tonight,
if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, you're going to do it tonight.
Listen, I promise he's nothing like John.
He's a real sweetheart.
Just give him a chance.
Yeah, a real good chance.
Ew.
- Would you stop?
- Okay.
Okay.
I'll go out with him.
To boys?
To boys.
To boys.
(upbeat music)
A day date?
Why are you setting her up for failure?
I'm not, because the day
dates equal friend zone argument
is a myth.
There are plenty of day dates that lead
to successful relationships.
Provided it's not the first date.
Our first date
No.
First dates during the daytime are fine.
And besides, you should be proud of me,
I convinced her to go to a
barbecue for their first date.
Now, she initially did not want to go.
Wait.
Misty, is barbecue chicken involved?
Yeah.
Why?
Why would you do that?
This is going to be way
worse than a typical day date.
What are you talking about?
Misty, where is this barbecue?
At Oakland Terrace.
Why? Are you going to go
save her from the evil barbecue?
Yes.
Oh, come on.
(all chattering)
So, tell me about yourself.
Where are you from originally?
I was born in Tupelo, but
I don't really remember it.
My parents moved here when I was two.
So, even though...
Even though you were
Even though I was born in Mississippi,
I still consider myself from Panama City.
Sounds crazy considering I was born there,
and so was Elvis, you'd think that...
You'd think that I
would've gone back to visit.
(high pitch frequency resonating)
(all groaning)
Oh, shit.
(upbeat music)
(all grunting)
You fucking animal.
Use your fucking napkins.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
(upbeat music)
(Jessica sighing)
Okay.
So, there is some good
news, they promise not
to press charges as
long as you promise never
to see him or his family ever again.
Fair enough.
Hey, I love you.
I love you too.
(chuckling) Come on.
(car dinging)
Fuck.
How do you keep scoring on me?
It's a little thing called finesse.
And all right.
Sorry, John.
There is no asterisk next to
thou shall not commit adultery
in the 10 Commandments, all right?
Look, it's not thou shall
not commit adultery asterisk
unless your wife isn't giving enough BJs.
Yeah.
But it's bullshit.
If she was doing her job as a wife,
then you wouldn't have to go out
Doing her job as a wife?
What are you talking about?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Since you brought up the
Bible, technically spouses
aren't supposed to turn
each other down for sex.
We're sold a false bill
of goods growing up.
Okay.
What bill of goods?
Yeah.
The supposed future of a good Christian boy
who waits until marriage.
Yes, no fornication
before your wedding vows.
Then you and your dream
girl fuck like rabbits for the rest
of your life.
But it doesn't go down
like that, now does it Paul?
They said it just like that?
Yeah, they said it just like that.
We went to different churches.
Yeah.
No, they're the red ones.
All right.
So how does it end, then, john?
Little to no sex.
Dudes are jumping through
hoops for breadcrumbs.
Meanwhile, women are
manipulating their husbands
by withholding the fucking
until she gets whatever she wants.
John, not all women are like that.
And besides, everyone
knows that sex goes downhill
after marriage, at least for some.
I knew you were going to pull that.
Nawal rebuttal.
And no, sex does not have
to go downhill after marriage.
I mean, sure, logistically after kids,
the frequency's not there.
But the desire, the
spontaneity, the passion.
Look at those couples who've
been married for over 50 years.
You've seen it, he pinches
her butt, she giggles,
shit like that.
Okay. It sounds like
they're still in love.
You are missing the point.
They are still fucking.
And do you know why they're still in love
and fucking after all these years?
Why, John?
Because they stayed in his frame.
He didn't become submissive to her.
This whole happy wife, happy life bullshit
where the guy goes into, "Yes, honey."
"Whatever you want, honey" mode 24/7.
She gets turned off, that's not sexy.
John, there's nothing
wrong with making sacrifices
for your woman, all right?
It's an important part of a
health relationship, my dude.
Yeah.
As long as the concessions
come from both sides.
But that's not how the
modern married man operates.
And it's always,
(chuckling) "She's the boss."
And do you know what happens
after he becomes submissive to her?
What?
She thinks that he's beneath her.
And then, sex with you, not
you specifically, I'm talking
about the general you, the royal you.
Yeah, I get that.
Yeah.
So, sex with you becomes a chore
at best and repulsive at worst.
Then than the inevitable nagging.
Despite the popular opinion among men
that women enjoy nagging or
are somehow programmed to do it,
they don't enjoy it and they don't want to.
And what makes it worse is
that when she does occasionally
let you have sex with her,
it is straight-up bitch sex.
She just lays there like a dead starfish.
And what makes it worse than that?
She was probably banging
dudes left and right back
in her college days.
Think about that for a second.
She was a slut for all these other dudes,
and now she's a prude with you?
Pardon the poor Trump
impression, but worst trade deal ever.
Hey, man, I'm just worried
about you losing your frame.
And how am I losing my frame exactly?
Dude, I can't believe you don't see it.
She redecorated your whole place
and you're pretty much
a full-fledged vegetarian.
Okay. She put a couple of
flamingos around the place.
Yeah.
Flamingos.
There are only three acceptable
birds for a man's place.
Bald eagle, Turkey, red-tailed hawk.
Okay.
Flamingos can be manly, all right?
They're pink and they're
shaped like ballerinas.
Anyway, with the vegetarian thing,
it's Monday through Friday
and it's to lower my saturated fat
and cholesterol intake, okay?
And veggie foods nowadays aren't that bad.
You should maybe give it a shot, Mr.
Never.
I am the ultimate alpha male meat-eating
motherfucker, motherfucker.
And you used to be too.
Now you're losing your frame.
Before it's too late, you need
to pound a cheeseburger
in front of that bitch
like you pound that pussy.
Hey, she's your cousin.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I just got caught
up in the red pill moment.
Yeah.
- That was my bad.
- It's not a good look.
I didn't feel good.
But the message still remains.
You must keep your frame.
Whatever, man.
(game warbling)
(upbeat music)
[Announcer] He's got it, amazing!
Love these cards.
Hey, everyone.
This is Stacey.
- Whoa.
- Nice to meet you, Stacey.
Whoa, hold up.
What?
Stacey, how old are you?
What?
Why?
I mean, this is an adult only party.
What?
Are y'all swingers or something?
No, no.
We're just going to be drinking and talking
about adult things and you look like you
could be a freshman in high school.
Look, I'm 19 and a half, almost 20.
(sighing) You know what?
I believe you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Still going to need
to see some ID, though.
Really, Misty?
Bro, come on.
All right.
All right.
Just humor her and get
it out of the way, okay?
No biggie.
Thank you.
You know what?
I'm not taking this anymore.
This is bullshit.
No, babe.
Babe, don't go.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Did what?
Save you from statutory rape?
You saw her ID?
She's 19 and a half, okay?
Now, go and apologize to her?
John, she's a baby.
How did you two even meet?
At the mall, okay?
What does it matter?
God, the mall?
Of course you would.
That's disgusting.
Dude, I can't believe you're
letting her cock block me.
All right.
All right.
Babe, Misty.
- Please.
- What?
Please, don't let your
cousin get blue balls tonight.
Okay, fine.
If you're cool with him
joining the babysitter's club,
I'll go apologize.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Love you.
Rocking that cradle, huh?
She's 19 and a half.
Listen, I call it Costanza's Law, okay?
It's not really a lie if you believe it.
That's why women are
such better liars than men,
they believe their own bullshit.
You know, John, maybe
we're just complicated
and you really don't get us.
And if by complicated you mean
you don't know what the fuck's going on
in your own head half the time?
Sure.
Think about the old, "I'm just looking"
"for a nice guy" Who do they go home with?
The bad boy.
Am I right or am I right?
Whooo.
(all laughing)
There is a theory by a
psychiatrist, a woman,
who said that women go
for guys who are not ready
for a long-term relationship.
And the girls, they're just
not ready to settle down.
I like him.
Yeah. You might just
make it to the second date.
(Misty chuckling)
So she usually ends
up marrying the nice guy,
so she wasn't full of shit when she said
that was the kind of guy she wanted.
No, she's just fulfilling her
female dual mating strategy.
Oooh, dual mating strategy.
That means two.
Ow.
I genuinely want to hear about this one.
Please tell me there's
some kind of red pill
nickname or something for this.
Yes, there is.
I'm so happy you asked.
Alpha fucks, beta bucks.
Alpha fucks, beta bucks.
I love it.
Please proceed.
Okay.
So, women's reproductive
instincts desire three things
from a man, good genes,
provisions, and parental investment.
Now, ideally, she finds
all three in one man.
But over the past few hundred years,
that has become exceedingly rare.
I can agree with that.
That's a burn on you, dude.
So ultimately, she has to choose.
Oh, and how does she
know which one to choose?
How does she fulfill her
female dual mating strategy?
Well, I will tell you, Jessica.
So when a woman is in her physical peak,
in the ages of her
highest fertility, late teens,
early 20s, her body drives
her towards the good genes.
Oh, I see.
You mean the alphas, right?
Sure.
The guys that really turn you on.
Good-looking, bold, spontaneous,
the bad boys, whatever.
It's the guys that give you
the tingles in your vagingles.
God.
And then?
And then, when she's past her prime
Excuse me, past her prime?
Yeah.
When she's getting close to 30.
Women in their 30s
are still in their prime,
and sometimes they're hotter.
Yeah.
Whatever, Misty.
Even if they are hotter, which they're not,
a high-value man isn't
going to pick a 35-year-old
over a 22-year-old.
Well, he would if he
valued her life experience.
Yeah, life experience.
See, this is when women
who are past their prime
start gaming the beta providers.
"Oh, when I was younger and
banging all those other dudes
and wouldn't give you the
time of day, I was just confused.
I didn't know what I wanted.
But now that I'm matured,
I see that you're the man of my dreams.
"You're my real fantasy."
So, women do use game.
Yeah.
And these beta chumps do fall for it.
These same women who,
in their partying years,
wouldn't fuck those
dudes to save their lives,
all of a sudden have
an uncontrollable desire
for these beta providers.
And these guys wonder why the sex
is so bad after they commit.
You know, John,
for someone who thinks so little of women,
you sure do give us a lot of credit
for our alleged scheming.
Ring ring.
- Hello?
- Hey, Jessica.
It's Friday.
What should we do this weekend?
Oh, I don't know.
Study for the finals or go to the mall.
Mmm, I have a better idea.
What if we start conning men
into fulfilling our female
dual mating strategies? (Laughing)
Ring, ring.
Hello?
Alpha fucks and beta bucks, bitches.
Yeah.
(Misty imitating ape grunting)
(laughing) Ring, ring.
That was rude.
Listen, I don't think little of women,
I'm just providing
uncomfortable truths, okay?
Yeah.
And what do you think about this?
Huh?
Nothing.
Cool.
Nothing at all.
You know, John?
I think you may have found the one.
Me too.
[Jessica] A girl who doesn't notice
any of the things you say.
(all laughing)
Whatever.
Changing the subject.
You coming to the falls
with us this Sunday?
Not sure yet.
We are having a little get together
at Misty's parents next weekend.
Just you, Misty and them, huh?
Yeah.
They can't wait.
They know we're serious.
You just have to give them
some more time to warm up to you.
Yeah. Well, we have been
dating for two years now,
so maybe year three's the one.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Three years.
Three years.
(all cheering)
Dude, you got to go full on pescatarian.
You'll see your endurance
levels go through the roof.
I got to have meat sometimes, man.
Real meat.
Five times a week is tough enough for me.
Well, hopefully you've kept it lean.
But we'll see.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
(both breathing heavily)
Bro, what's wrong with you?
Okay.
So my diet hasn't been the best,
but it's our second anniversary.
Dude, anniversary is like one day.
There's some other stuff too.
I tell you what though, a
white belt would surely be good
for my self-esteem right now.
Nah, man.
You know the rules.
No short-cutting the white belts.
You're right.
You're right.
I think I can still make happy hour.
Dude, it's a terrible alternative.
I'll chase my whiskey shots
with light beer just for you.
Fuck out of here.
Peace out.
(upbeat music)
Hey, good job. I see you
making a lot of progress
these last couple of months.
Well, thanks.
That's why I'm taking privates.
Hey, you know what they say?
One private lesson equals
to three group classes.
You ready?
Sure.
[Person] Hey.
Oh shit.
(bones crunching) Oh, fuck!
Oh!
I am so sorry.
I don't mind taking him to the hospital.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's not a problem.
Is there anything I could do for you?
No.
No, no, we're good.
- Just let me know, please.
Okay.
(door creaking)
(upbeat music)
Oh, Misty, did I tell you that I ran
into your Greg the other day?
And he's moved to Dothan
and starting his own practice.
Oh, Paul, pardon me.
Gregory and Misty used
to date before she met you.
He's a doctor, so
Yes, I assumed he was.
A doctor?
How would you know he's a doctor?
No, Misty's ex-boyfriend.
Last three times we've
spoken, you've brought up one
of her exes.
You see Paul, doctors
have to work long hours.
They wouldn't make it if
they worked part-time like you.
- Hey.
- Nope, it's okay.
(clearing throat) As I've
mentioned before, I work part-time
because I make a substantial amount
of residual income based
off of my years working
as an insurance salesman.
That was one of the perks of the job.
So you did what?
Just knocked on doors at people's houses?
Yes, I did make calls directly,
but I also used a method
called the pre-approach
where I would get information
and referrals on potential clients
before I would actually do
the work of going door to door.
And selling cancer insurance.
Cancer and accident.
- And how did you sell it?
- Well
You fear-mongered
people into cancer insurance
in their home.
Dad, seriously?
No, it's all right.
Um, people do buy cancer
insurance off of fear of loss.
And if I remember correctly,
you also have cancer insurance,
isn't that right?
Yeah, we have Aflac, had it for years.
We bought it from a duck.
Oh.
So you don't think it's a
little hypocritical that you
Okay.
Presents.
What a coincidence that my father
and my boyfriend have
birthdays on the same day.
Ooh.
I'm going to open this
one from Paul first, okay?
(sighing) Oh, Bay Beach's Spa.
Nice.
Hey, it's a VIP couple's
pass for the entire weekend
and there's no limit to the
amount of massages you can get.
Okay.
You next, okay?
Oh.
- Okay.
- Okay, hold on.
Hold on.
Love the wrapping.
One pair of socks.
It's amazing. (Chuckling)
We were walking through
the bargain bin the other day
and we saw those and we
thought this is perfect for you.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Just like my mother would've gotten me.
(groaning) It's like they've run out
of things about me to shit on,
so they just keep bringing
up old talking points.
I might as well have a prerecorded set
of rebuttals and play them off my phone.
I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I think with them, once
they see grand babies,
you'll be a hero.
I don't know.
My grandmother only
started liking my dad after him
and mom got divorced,
and that was after two kids.
So, how into Stacy is John?
He's really starting to warm up to her.
I think I might just win this thing.
Well, don't get too cocky,
because Jessica's got a date
with a guy that's just her type.
- Hm, her type?
- Yeah, a male feminist.
What?
What?
No.
What?
This is perfect.
Shut up.
(upbeat music)
- Hey.
- Hi.
Good to meet you.
Good to meet you too.
(Jessica sighing)
Great to see you.
Yeah.
(sighing) Well, hopefully I didn't
keep you waiting too long.
No, no.
I got off work early, so I just
came early for Happy Hour.
Are you ready for another
order of cheese curds?
Sure, that'd be awesome.
And another one of these.
[Waiter] Okay, absolutely.
And sir, what are you drinking?
I'll have what she's having.
Too easy.
I'll be right back with those.
So, tell me about yourself.
I love this.
In a male-dominated society, it's expected
that the man initiate
and steer the conversation,
but you reject that, you took
control of the conversation.
More power to you.
You're going to need some
more time with the menu?
Thank you.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
(chuckling) So, tell me about yourself.
Mmm.
Where do you want me to begin?
I mean, when I first
learned about women's rights
or when I was a kid?
(Jessica laughing)
Oh, okay.
How about when you were a kid?
Where are you from originally?
Mmm.
I'm from Dothan.
Not the best place for
people like you and me,
you know what I'm saying?
Sexism.
Perfectly acceptable.
Okay.
I mean, my mom didn't
even have a problem with this.
When I was, when I was...
[Jessica] You all right?
This isn't easy, but
when I was eight years old,
me and my friends, we had a boys-only club.
The kind that wouldn't allow girls in.
(chuckling) I guess that's why
they called it a boys-only club.
Right.
It just, it just hurts sometimes, you know?
If I were a woman, I know I
wouldn't be treated equally.
Mm-hmm.
And what am I even supposed
to do about it right now?
I'm only entry-level.
Um, fuck it, let's change the subject.
Uh, you do sports in high school?
You look pretty fit.
Yeah.
I chose the most toxic one.
That's what you're pressured
to do when you're from Alabama.
I played football.
Okay.
But hey, maybe it was the
best. I mean, it gave me a place
to get out my natural male aggression
on the field instead of more harmful ways.
But still, I feel that...
This is me.
Well, this has been really fun.
We should do it again sometime.
Yeah.
Hey Jessica, I actually wanted
to ask your permission for something.
Uh, sure.
Can I kiss you goodnight?
(high pitch frequency resonating)
You know you wish you
were with an alpha right now.
These male feminists,
they don't give you the tingle
in your vajingle jangle.
You know it and I know it.
Sure.
But come inside first?
Initiative.
Can I touch your leg?
Sure.
Can I kiss your neck?
Sure, but you don't have to ask.
Jessica.
Jessica.
Jessica.
What?
Are we going to have sexual intercourse?
Probably.
Then I'm going to
need your written consent.
(paper rustling)
(scoffing) You seriously
brought this with you?
Yeah.
See, I knew you would understand.
Okay, sign right here for intercourse.
Great.
And if you sign here, that's
actually giving me permission
to squeeze your left
buttock for up to 20 seconds.
Great, great.
And sign right here, this is
actually giving me permission
to fondle both of your
breasts for up to 30 seconds.
Fuck sake.
Great.
(crickets chirping)
(Jessica snoring)
Jessica.
Jessica.
Jessica!
Hm?
What?
(Jessica groaning)
Jessica.
Hm?
(objects clattering)
Can you go see what that noise is?
Oh, so I should be
flattered that you lied to me?
Well, think of it this way.
You were and still are so hot
and awesome that I felt I had
to commit a little trickery in
order to increase my chances.
As I say, you never get a second chance
to make a good first
impression on the first date.
But you bought Peter Palace
and then threw away the packaging
to make me think you cooked it.
Yeah.
I should have thrown away
those packages in the dumpster.
That was my bad.
That's what you regret?
Well, I wasn't being totally dishonest.
I have considered going to culinary school.
I know.
You haven't.
Maybe I will.
Maybe you should.
Yes, on our second anniversary,
I'm pressuring you to commit
to something you should
have commit to a long time ago.
Sure thing.
I'll sign up next week.
Good.
(phone chiming)
Oh.
Uber's on its way.
So, something I wanted to ask you.
Yes?
How serious do you think
John really is with Stacey?
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Oh my God, Kelly.
- What?
It is so fake, especially
when I hear it from one
of those international supermodels.
When I hear, "I think that
beauty comes from within,"
I'm like, bitch, you really think
you made all those millions
based off of your inner beauty?
Like shut the up and get
back to your pose already.
Oh my God.
Well, it's a good message though.
And you should support
her instead of trying
to bring her down.
Oh.
I should support her when she says dumb,
fake shit like that.
Why?
Because she's a woman?
Well, yeah.
Okay.
Let's say I take a shit in your car.
Ew, gross Kelly.
[Kelly] No, hear me out.
Let's say you take a shit
in your car and it's a big,
nasty, steamy dump
on the front of your car.
- Yeah.
- You going to support
my deuce just because I'm a woman?
What's your point exactly?
My point is that I don't
agree with this idea that we
as women should support and encourage
each other just because.
I think it's counterproductive.
Guys do it all the time.
No, they don't.
I mean, guys rip on
each other all the time.
Like how?
Are you serious right now?
I mean, okay, think back
to junior high, you know?
Guys could just be chilling with each other
at the lunch table, but as
soon as a pretty girl sits down,
they're going to start
insulting each other.
Yes.
It's like there's this
caveman part of their brains.
"Ooh, ooh, pretty girl
here, must insult other men.
- Ooh, oooh, oooh."
- "Mine, mine, mine!"
And it's like the closer the friends,
the more they diss each other for fun.
Yeah.
It's like they're so afraid
of their man crushes,
they compensate with insults as jokes.
So true.
Yeah, but they don't
pit men against each other
like they try to do with women.
[Both] Yeah, they do.
I mean, that's one of
their favorite pastimes.
Yeah, why do you
think they're so obsessed
with their rankings?
Mm.
"Ooh, Brady's the best of all time."
"No, Marina's the best."
"No, Montana's the best."
- "No, Manning's the best."
- "You suck, bro."
"No, you suck, bro."
"Suck my balls, bro."
"You suck my balls, bro."
(both laughing)
Okay.
All right.
Let's change the subject.
Okay.
You said you had something to tell us?
Oh, are you planning
a surprise birthday party
for Paul again?
No.
No, it's actually way bigger than that.
I'm going to ask Paul to marry me.
What?
Really?
Oh, when?
Monday, after he gets home from work.
He knows I'm not super traditional
and I think it'll be something to remember.
Besides, we've talked about
getting married and having kids.
I'm not sure why he hasn't
asked me yet, but why wait?
You know?
What?
I'm just trying to process this.
You don't think he'll
be mad that I ask him
to marry me, right?
Even if he was, he'd get over it.
Well, what do you think?
Uh, I think you two
should have gotten married
a long time ago.
You know, it's just
Just what?
Um, well, he's a southern
Baptist preacher's kid, right?
That's about as traditional
as you can get, so
So you think he will be mad if I propose?
No, no, it's not that.
It's just, well, think of other
southern Baptist men you know.
I mean, max, they date a
girl a year before asking them
for marriage, and if Paul hasn't asked you
to marry him yet, then
Then what?
Say it.
[Kelly] Maybe there's something wrong.
Something wrong?
There's nothing wrong
with our relationship.
No, not that there is,
I'm just saying maybe there's something
Like what?
I mean, what could it possibly be?
I'm sure it's going to be okay.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Yeah, you two are
going to get married, okay?
We know it.
(Misty sighing)
What were you thinking?
You never bring your
girlfriend to jiu-jitsu
when you're a white belt.
Why not?
I mean, she knew I was a beginner.
Stan, women will never
admit this, but they fucking love
when men could beat
the shit out of other men.
Thousands of years ago,
women would hurl themselves at gladiators.
These days, the finest porn stars line up
to date MMA fighters.
That's why she's not calling you back.
No.
No, no, no.
That can't be it, man.
I'm telling you, she is
not like the other girls.
Oh, is she not?
Is she not like the other girls?
Think about that bullshit
"I'm not like the other guys"
line we give to women.
They do the same routine, they're like,
"Oh, I'm not like the other girls.
I'm like, (exclaiming)."
It's bullshit.
She is a woman and her biology
is driving her towards the alpha male.
As soon as she saw you
get destroyed on the mat,
she lost interest.
She's probably fantasizing about banging
that other dude as we speak.
You know what?
This is my fault.
I should have warned you about the dangers
of being new to game.
What dangers?
Like beginner's luck and
getting stuck with a girlfriend
when you should be spinning plates.
Oh, beginner's luck?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
I've been in sales my
entire adult life and I took
to the game like a fish and water.
You are just jealous.
Jealous?
Yeah.
Dude, my game could run
circles around your game, okay?
As soon as your arm
heals, I'm going to show you
who's the boss, both in
and outside the office.
And when my arm heals, I'll show you
who the real game guru is.
Oh, I would love to
see you try to a-mog me.
But first, as your boss here, crushing it,
breaking all your own records.
High five.
Yeah.
(both grunting)
Second, as your game guru, I can't wait
to put you in your place.
Now, get back to work, your break's over.
- Shit, you're right.
- Yeah, fuck off.
Okay, okay.
So we've heard my closing
arguments as why I think the 2000s
is a better decade
than the '80s, which it is.
But now those in favor of the '80s.
Rick Astley, "Never Gonna Give You Up",
and Steve Winwood,
"Higher Love", enough said.
(fingers snapping)
Okay.
All right.
Jessica?
Uh, boys in short shorts, enough said.
Cheers.
How dare you objectify?
Kelly?
Well, the '80s were better
because it was the last decade
before battle dancing.
What's wrong with battle dancing?
The fact that it's the dumbest shit ever.
Maybe.
What's so dumb about it?
Well, for starters,
who's a better dancer than
who is completely subjective,
which renders battle dancing pointless.
No.
There's awesomeness and then there's not.
Shall we?
Of course.
- Oh.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
I don't like where this is going.
- You got to go do it.
- I don't like that look.
(upbeat music) Oh
(singer vocalizing)
Come on, come on, come on, oh
You just got served, bitch.
Okay.
(Paul clapping)
Which brings me to my second point.
There's no defense in battle dancing.
So for you to come at me with
the classic, "You got served,"
as if I just got dunked
on, your crisp dance moves
have no reflection on me.
But your response does.
So try to serve us back.
And my third and final point,
whenever I bring up my
disdain for battle dancing,
its defenders respond by trying
to pressure me into dancing.
- So?
- So what?
So, why are you so afraid to dance?
Yeah.
You're missing the point.
- Ooooh.
- She's scared to dance.
(upbeat music)
I can tell something's on your mind.
No.
I just can.
So, what's on your mind?
You.
Me?
Yeah.
Anything in particular?
Stuff.
Stuff?
Yeah.
She was so perfect.
I can't believe I got one it is. (Sobbing)
Oneitis?
You know, when you
start focusing on one girl
and you lose her because you get needy.
I can't believe I went full bad. (Sobbing)
You know, not to rain on
your pity parade or anything,
but isn't that kind of the point?
What?
Getting needy?
No, the one it is.
Isn't that kind of the point of being
in a monogamous relationship,
focusing on one woman?
You don't get it.
You're not red-pilled, but
you're not blue-pilled either.
You're purple-pilled.
Yeah, sure, John.
You know, I'm not a Jedi
yet, but I'm pretty sure
that focusing on one
woman doesn't necessarily
make you needy.
Enough of this shit.
Get yourself together,
man, this is way too much.
How could you say that to me right now?
Because this, this
pitiable mass of tears,
sweat and other odors I can't even imagine,
is not expressing the proper emotions
for your current breakup.
Proper emotions?
Man, if we were women,
you'd be supporting me
right now instead of being an ass true.
If we were women.
But we're not, are we?
And as men, this is what
gives us the winning edge.
Calling out bullshit when we see it.
Bullshit?
What's bullshit?
You and Stacey's
relationship was bullshit.
What are you talking about?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The real question is what were you
and Stacey ever talking about?
She was on her phone the entire
damn time you were together.
That's just Gen Z,
man, that's how they are.
Well, fuck Generation Z.
It's more like Generation Suck On Z's Nuts.
What?
Whatever.
Look, no, tell me the truth, John.
What's the real reason you're so upset?
Hmmm?
In the bedroom she was top shelf.
She was top shelf. (Sobbing)
Thank you.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
Thank you.
This feels good.
And now I give the
gift of tough love to you.
(John groaning)
Get over it.
Look at me.
Look.
It was a disaster from the start.
All right?
All right?
Good.
Now get over it, man.
Yeah, no.
He'll be just fine.
You wouldn't believe the amount
of tears running down his face.
So that boy is definitely
hydrated, I'll tell you that.
Hey, let me call you back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
My God.
Little spontaneous
romance, middle of the week?
You know I'm down.
What?
Paul?
These past two years with you
have been the happiest years
of my life.
Me too.
I was meant to be with
you, and you were meant
to be with me.
I just love you so much.
So, Paul,
will you marry me?
Misty, um, let's sit down.
Are you mad that I proposed?
No.
Of course not.
I just...
What's wrong then?
Nothing's wrong.
I just
Just...
I just don't know
about marriage right now.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you.
Don't you see me as your future wife
and the mother of your children?
Of course, I do.
Then why don't you want to marry me?
Is it someone else?
No, of course not.
Why would you say that?
Then what is it?
(door clicking)
Misty.
(soft jazz music)
(birds chirping)
(soft jazz music continues)
(birds chirping)
(phone buzzing)
(soft jazz music continues)
(glass shattering)
(phone buzzing)
(phone clicking)
(soft jazz music continues)
(door clicking)
(door clicking)
(door clicking)
(birds chirping)
(hand knocking on door)
(door clicking) Misty.
I am so sorry.
I'm not...
Paul.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
[Host] Let's get into the game.
The final game of this
competition, which begins
with these categories: We
have Writer's Words followed
by Seconds, Slinging
Arrows, (phone buzzing)
Then A Capital Idea,
The Department of Homeland Security,
and finally, Foreign Language.
(upbeat music)
(door clicking)
Beer in the fridge.
I'm good.
So, how are things?
Out-fucking-standing.
Well, Misty's so depressed
that she doesn't even want to eat.
Kelly and I have been taking shifts
to make sure she eats enough.
Jessica was MIA for a while,
but she's going over to
hang out with her tonight.
Thoughts?
Yeah.
I can imagine the guilty
conscience you'd feel
after you cheat.
Except she didn't cheat.
What do you mean she didn't cheat?
She had sex with another man.
Dude, when you turned her down
and let her walk out that door that night,
you ended the relationship
without knowing it.
That makes no sense.
Except it does.
Do you know how hard
it was for her to ask you
to marry her instead of
you being a man and asking
for it a long fucking time ago?
Okay, hold up Mr. Red Pill.
How many times did you lectured me
on the dangers of marriage
for the modern man?
Now here you are, sitting here,
telling me I should have asked for her hand
to marry me a long time ago?
Dude, you know there's
always exceptions to the rule.
And Misty's the exception.
Yeah, dude, she's the best thing
that ever happened in your life.
Do you know... Wait, how do you know that?
You haven't known me my entire life.
Okay, Paul, you fucking child.
Name one thing in your
life that's been better
than these last two years with Misty.
Yeah, exactly.
Do you know how much
she's sacrificed for you?
I've known Misty her entire life,
and I've never seen her go out
of way for a guy until she met you.
She even let you convince her
to watch "Star Wars" on Valentine's Day.
Okay, she loves George Lucas, it's not
You need to ask her to
forgive you for breaking up
with her that night.
Fuck this shit.
No, fuck you, Paul.
Oh, we're going there now?
Yeah, and fuck you for ruining her life.
Two fucking years, man.
(door clicking)
(doorbell ringing)
It's open.
(door clicking)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, do you want something to drink?
No, I'm good.
Just here for you.
How are you?
Not good.
Depressed.
After he turned me down,
I just felt so stupid and
embarrassed, and in a way, used.
Was he just using me to keep his bed warm
until real wifey material came along?
You know Paul better than that.
Well, I don't know him well enough
to know what's stopping
him from getting engaged.
All that in mind, Jeremy texted
me asking how I was doing,
and it just all happened so quick.
Like a car accident?
Yeah, like a big accident.
Like you just tripped
and fell on his dick?
What?
Cut the shit, Misty.
You cheated on Paul.
No, that is not fair.
I was in a really bad place and
"I was in a really bad
place and I didn't know
what I was doing."
You're a grown-ass woman
who can make her own grown-ass decisions.
You destroyed Paul when you cheated on him.
I didn't know if he was going to call me
or where the relationship was going, or
Well, maybe know next time
before you start fucking other dudes.
God, you are being
such a bitch right now.
I hate you.
(door clicking)
[Person] 4X optical zoom,
Schneider lens, photo printer, SD card.
Look at that horse.
Big teeth, the hooves.
Okay, my producer just told
me this, may in fact be a moth.
All right, got a clash
of the titans tonight.
We got our seasoned vet.
There's our star rookie.
Who's starting this off tonight?
I'll start things off.
Oh.
All right.
Stan's starting it off tonight.
What?
You mean the Polish girls
that almost knocked
me out three months ago.
They're insane.
Then I guess this will be a quick one.
Follow me.
(upbeat music)
Excuse me, ladies, would you happen to know
where the beautiful Polish women are?
I guess that's us.
Take a seat.
Oh, and please excuse my bodyguards.
They're here tonight
with me just to make sure
that no one gets a
little too handsy with me.
(laughing) You crazy boy.
Is that all you got, bitch?
(record scratching)
(all chattering) (upbeat music)
[Person] What kind
of voodoo shit was that?
It's called a pickup
artist, not a pickup scientist.
This is an art form.
And?
And they're from Poland, so they're used
to the masculine men.
Every average man here is a
A weak beta.
Precisely.
And they are not going
to lower their standards.
No.
To make sure that their
potential sexual partner
isn't feminized, they felt the need
to dish out a masculinity test.
[John] You mean a shit test?
Oh, is that what it's
called in the man-osphere?
A shit test.
- Yeah.
- A shit test.
Sorry.
Sorry, shit test.
And since it was an
over-the-top shit, it required a...
An over-the-top response.
Okay.
That was awesome.
I know.
But don't think I'm
giving you the guru title yet.
- Hey, John.
- Huh?
You could be my wing at any time.
You could be my wing at any time.
(birds chirping)
- Hey.
- Hey, Kelly, Jessica.
What are you guys doing here?
Um, well,
I'm really sorry for the
last conversation we had,
but I'm here to make it up to you.
She did it.
Did what?
She convinced me that
battle dancing is awesome.
I don't believe that for a second.
Well, believe this.
(upbeat music)
All right, everybody.
Come check it out.
(upbeat music continues)
Okay, we're in.
Now, remember guys, I
cannot describe the level
of disdain Misty's parents and some
of her family members have for me.
All right?
They're going to come in hot.
Hey, before I forget,
I'm writing a romance novel
about a cook who teaches jiu-jitsu.
I call it, Love with a Hint of Jiu-Jitsu.
I was hoping you'd read it
and give me your thoughts.
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, remember just to
go in there and demobilize.
Compassionate jiu-jitsu.
- What?
- Yeah.
So in the streets, you want to take them
a little bit further than
you would on the mats
to make them tap.
That way you don't hurt them,
but they can't fight back
because a little compassionate jiu-jitsu.
I fucking love it.
Anyway, we're wasting time.
So, ready, guys?
[All] Ready.
(car dinging)
(upbeat music)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, shit.
Whoa.
(tense music)
Whooo!
(tense music continues)
I'll save you (indistinct). (Screaming)
What hell's going on?
Get your hands off me.
Paul?
Stop, stop, stop.
All right, let's just hear
what he's got to say.
(soft organ music)
Is it all right if we
ignore the tradition
of asking for your
father's permission first?
(Misty laughing)
- Misty?
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
(all cheering) (soft music)
Love, sweet love.
Excuse me.
We were just hoping to get
a male opinion on something.
(upbeat music)
Oh, I'd be happy to, honey.
I lost my line.
I'd be happy to, honey. (Laughing)
(upbeat music)
Stan, when your knob
isn't getting slobbed
on a consistent basis, you're...
I'm sorry.
See, tell me why you didn't (indistinct).
[John] Well, Stanley, you're
going to be gone next week.
Why do I need to get to know you?
Yeah.
Fuck you, Slayer.
(all laughing)
[Misty] Why,
are you going to go save
her from the evil barbecue?
Yes.
- Come on.
- This fucking door.
- All right, reset.
- This supposed to
Yeah, can you... How does this work?
Trust me, you're never going
to grow with that internet shit.
Okay?
Time to start.
You ready?
All right, let's go.
- Okay.
- All right.
One more time, slap him in the butt.
It says slap him in the face.
Do the cool walk.
Rocking that cradle, huh?
She's 19.
(indistinct)
[Director] Cut.
(all laughing)
- You ready, Marius?
- Yep.
- Action.
- Okay.
[Director] Action.
(person grunting)
Say, "Shit."
I wasn't able to, so...
Shit.
I'm so sorry.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Yeah, it's going to be okay.
You two... Cut.
[Person] That's a cut.
It's more like generation
Cathra Zetas Jones,
suck on zees nuts.
- What?
- I don't know.
Look at me.
It was a disaster from the start.
All right?
Her name's Stacey.
I have nothing to go with that.
Asshole.
She didn't even pay attention to you.
She was on TikTok the entire time.
I know it.
We all know it.
So you need to get your shit together,
get off of this god-damn
couch, and go and be a man.
(upbeat music)
(all laughing)