Loves Company (2026) Movie Script
1
[raspy breathing]
- Contestants,
you've got six boxes
to open up there on the grid,
each with a Hollywood
surprise guest star inside.
Now, pick a number,
we open that box,
and we ask that
surprise star a question.
And you tell me
if they're right or wrong.
If you're right,
you get the star.
If you're wrong,
return to sender.
Okay, Janet. You're up.
Pick a box.
(Janet) Give me
that center surprise, Don.
(Don) All right, let's...
(both)
Open that box!
(Don)
It's Blake de Troy,
star of "Not in My House."
- It's Blake, Daddy.
He's on.
(Don) Which marshmallow
could be found
in the original boxes
of Lucky Charms in 1964--
the pink hearts
or the blue diamonds?
- Oh-ho boy.
(Blake) How would I know?
I only eat Froot Loops.
[laughter]
(Don) I would have pegged you
for Puffed Wheat, Blake.
[siren warbles]
(Blake) Oh, would you, Don?
Well, I could go get you some.
[police siren whooping]
(singer) Deer crossing,
deer crossing
Deer crossing
in the sticks
Deer cross--
[door indicator beeping]
- [panting]
[knocking]
(Shoney)
Fucking really, Ant?
Let me see Daddy.
- He don't wanna see you.
- He doesn't or you don't?
Let me pay my last respects
to the old drunk.
- You betrayed me, Shoney.
- Fine.
You wanna sit locked in there
with your plum nutty self
and only that drunk
keeping you company,
then so fucking be it, Ant.
- [huffs, grunts]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(singer) Deer crossing
Growing up
in Middle Tennessee
Riding back roads--
[somber music]
- [sighs]
Daddy?
[raucous laughter on tv]
- Settle down there,
Tinker Bell.
Answer the question.
- Um, I'm gonna say
pink hearts, Don.
- Blake de Troy
says pink hearts.
What say you, Janet?
(Janet) I'm gonna agree,
pink hearts.
(Don) Pink hearts it is.
Janet gets a star.
- Yes!
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
[laughs]
- He's shimmying his
lady slippers, Daddy.
- Oh, oh, one of the gals
from "Price is Right" is here.
- How's she looking?
- Stretched to oblivion.
Fabulous.
- I meant her
meet-and-greet lines.
- Oh, um, healthy.
- Good for her.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, I could have
sworn you were dead.
- I did, too, honey.
I did too.
Um, who can I make this out to?
- Sarah with an H.
- Oh, well, Sarah with an H.
[hums]
[indistinct speech]
[chuckles]
- You're not Paul Lynde?
- Lynde died
40 years ago, dear.
- You do the confetti.
- Rip Taylor.
Not Richard Simmons,
not Jim Jaye,
not Charles Nelson Reilly.
My name is right here.
- Why are you famous?
- Uh, well, I played
Sebastian Ricketts.
- Oh.
- The wacky, intuitive
bachelor neighbor
on two seasons
of "Not in My House."
- Mm-hmm.
- But you might recognize
me more as a recurring box
on "The Hollywood Surprise."
[chuckles]
I wrote the tell-all.
- Hmm.
- Uh, uh, TV movies,
"Stars Under the Big Top."
Loni Anderson split her lip.
- Can I get a refund?
- Yes, okay.
[quirky music]
Hold on to that.
Might have another
Sarah with an H.
[sighs]
[laughter]
(Don) Do you get
a lot of fan mail, Blake?
- Of course I do.
They love me.
[laughter]
(Don) What type of person
writes Blake de Troy?
- What type?
(Don) Yeah, what type?
Are they like you?
(Blake)
What do you mean, Don?
(Don) Is the stationery
pink and polka dotted
is what I'm asking.
[laughter]
- Oh, you mean like
your underwear, Donnie boy?
[laughter]
(Don) Okay, okay,
don't encourage him, folks.
Your answer?
[somber music]
- Betty Crawford
from Seattle, Washington,
postmarked
Hollywood, California.
Joan Davis, Wichita, Kansas,
postmarked
Hollywood, California.
You have the stealth
of a barnyard animal, Jimmy.
- Bah.
- Mm.
This one's from Milford,
Florida, Antoinette Funk,
postmarked Milford, Florida?
- Ah, the Everglades.
- You and your Everglades.
- You think I snuck over
to the Everglades to mail that?
You still have fans, Blake.
- "Dear Blake,
Daddy's gone, dead.
I'm hanging in there
like a hair on a biscuit."
What in the hee-haw hell,
Jimmy?
- Okay, I could never
have come up with that.
- Yeah, well, she's got the
penmanship of a serial killer.
Certainly not yours.
"But thanks to you, Daddy and I
shared some final moments
"of joy and laughter.
I still watch you on TV
to chase away the blues."
Hopefully without Daddy
rotting beside her.
"You make good company.
"Even better if
you'd come and visit.
"I got a spare room now.
"You okay with red meat?
"We'll have fun.
I have a karaoke machine.
You like elephants?
You okay with red meat?"
Already asked that.
"Come visit, dang it.
Antoinette Funk."
This is all that's left.
Send her a headshot,
and my condolences.
Where are my trades?
(Jimmy) They haven't come yet.
But take a look at this.
- Three bedroom, three bath,
mid-century modern pool.
Palm Springs?
I told you no to Palm Springs.
It's where drag queens
go to die.
- Exactly.
- I'm not done here.
- What's left to do?
You've had a career.
You--you--the sitcom,
the game show.
The toilet seat alone has
given us a nice retirement.
- It activates those
prehistoric muscles
for a healthier poo!
- [slurps, gulps]
There's still an act two.
- [sighs]
Blakey, this town has run
its course, don't you think?
- I don't feel like I'm done.
- That's because
it's all fleeting.
How much longer
do we have, hmm?
How do you wanna spend it?
- This is why you kept
the trades from me
this morning, isn't it?
- [exhales]
Page eight,
there's your damn act two.
- Trivia Entertainment
set to premier
at the "Hollywood Surprise"
revival for network primetime.
How did I not know about this?
- And they called,
but I haven't called them back.
- Mm, the pool's nice.
Pull up the car.
Open that box!
- Blake de Troy,
old "Hollywood Surprise."
The website.
- Mr. Detroit!
- De Troy, without the tuh.
Yeah.
- Ah, the legend.
We appreciate you coming in
here, unscheduled, unannounced.
Dillon, get back to your desk.
We could have done this
over the phone.
- Oh, no.
Better to discuss
in person, yeah.
I am ready for my comeback,
Mr. DeMille.
Right? [chuckles]
I know you've
already started production,
but I can always
slip in mid-season. [chuckles]
Sure, that is something
to be discussed.
But your book's website--
- Uh, "Open That Box,"
my autobiography.
Barbara Mandrell was furious.
- Uh--
Sh--great title.
You were boxed in
by Hollywood, by the times,
by a really sad,
bad gay stereotype.
And you demanded, let me out.
- No, no, I was in a box, a big
blue box, uh, that opened.
- Yeah, well, that's what
we're calling the revamp,
"Open That Box."
- You're cutting the surprise!
- Triggering.
- The Hollywood?
- Toxic, and irrelevant
these days,
you know, with social media.
- Oh, I see.
- But...
we would love
to make you an offer.
- [gasps]
Really?
- Openthatbox.com, the domain.
- Not for me?
(Tom) Oh, um, the network wants
more topical personalities,
in-the-news types,
people that other people know.
So stupid, I know.
- Well, I've got people--
at "People," "People Magazine,"
"People Magazine" Twitter, a--
a person there.
So, uh, one phone call
and I'm topical.
[laughter]
- Oh! Look at that!
Dillon's got some merch
for you.
Ooh.
- I--
[balls bouncing]
I don't want merch.
I wanna be the merch.
If you want the website, well,
then we're a package deal.
Otherwise, find another name.
- We've already printed
50,000 stress balls.
- Okay, then.
Don't go replacing me.
- We're not.
You're irreplaceable.
[air horn blares]
- Suck my clit, bitches!
YouTube's number one makeup
tutorialist is in effect.
Open this box!
[thud]
- [snapping fingers]
- Dillon, get Mr. Detroit
to his car, please.
We'll be in touch, Blake.
- [stammers, whimpers]
[pensive music]
See you.
Those pretzels were for you.
(Don) What's the maximum
number of days
Emily Post says you should
stay as a houseguest?
(Blake)
Well, that depends.
Is there a wet bar?
[laughter]
(Don)
I could use a drink right now,
talking to you.
(Blake) Oh, well,
are we on a date here?
[laughs]
Just get a little closer.
Don't be shy.
[pensive music]
- [sighs heavily]
- Mm. Mm.
Ah.
Social media--
I know I said it was
for talentless, badly-lit,
one-note commoners,
but everyone's topical
on TokTik.
One more, please.
- Two is enough.
- We're celebrating!
- [scoffs] They wanted
your website, Blake.
- God damn it, Jimmy!
Stop bringing me down!
(Jimmy)
And there she is.
Good night.
- Get out.
- I'm moving to Palm Springs
with or without you.
I spent too much
of my life with this.
And if you can't leave it,
then I'm gonna--
- Say it.
Go ahead, say it.
- [groaning]
[thud]
- What was that?
Go already!
You really know
how to piss me off!
Who needs you?
I certainly don't.
[sniffles] You hold me back.
In fact, I want you
gone now, Jimmy!
You're out of here!
And I mean it this time.
[sighs] Just--just be gone!
Just leave and never come back!
[laughs]
That's right, I said it!
And I'm not gonna
regret it, this one!
I'm not gonna regret it
in the morning!
[chuckles] Just go find
a hole and drop dead in it
for all I care, asshole!
Jimmy, the light's still
shining through my mask.
[melancholy music]
As if the world couldn't
shrink away anymore.
Per your wishes, my ranger.
Ever nature's guardian,
ever mine.
I see why you like it
out here, the Everglades.
Bare bones quiet.
[gasps]
Oh, I needed the noise,
you always said.
I sometimes put
all that before you.
I'm sorry, Jimmy!
Cut.
Cut it.
Stop.
How was that?
- Eight takes.
I think we got it.
- All right.
Post that for me.
I'll meet you back at the limo.
I just gotta spread
the ashes now--
privately.
No TikTok.
Not everything's
for the camera.
You remember that...
(Simms) Simms.
- You remember that, Simms,
okay?
'Cause your generation likes
to overshare everything.
And some things are--really
need to just stay with you.
Hmm? Yeah.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
- I'll meet you back
at the limo.
- We'll shoot it from the back.
[melodramatic classical music]
How far to Fort Lauderdale?
- About two hours.
What's up with them pills?
- The, um--
I can't pronounce them.
Here, just--
[funky ringtone playing]
- Shit!
[ringtone continues]
- Oh.
"People" Twitter.
Yes, Blake de Troy.
Hi, Anthony.
Did you see the video
on my TikTok?
[chuckles] Has "People" Twitter
reposted it yet?
Why not?
Jimmy paid you?
Um, I--I didn't know that.
I--no, no, I get it.
I get it.
It's "People" Twitter.
You hold an enormous amount
of power in your hands.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, what choice do I--
just please repost it.
How am I gonna do this
without you, Jimmy?
- [grunts]
[tires squeal]
I'm sorry.
You okay?
- Yeah. Yes.
I'm gonna be okay.
I just need
a little pick-me-up.
- Coke?
- You got?
- You got?
- No.
No, I was--I was
referring to this.
[pensive music]
[sighs]
Can we make a quick stop?
[knocking on door]
[chuckling awkwardly]
Um.
Not home. Let's go.
Jesus.
Where'd you get that?
It's fine.
I'll just work around.
You okay to drive?
Eh, it's Florida.
You got any snacks?
[crunching] Mmm.
Yeah.
Mm.
- [sighs forcefully]
[engine humming]
[engine humming]
[horn honks]
- Mr. Simms!
- [gasps]
- [screams]
- Jeez Louise.
[melancholy music]
- [panting] Ah.
- [sighs, gasps]
He was here.
[sighs]
[tires squealing]
Blake!
- Uh, Mr. Simms?
- [sighs]
- Uh, Mr. Simms, are you okay?
[dramatic music]
Whoa!
[screams]
[pensive music]
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
[grunts]
- I thought you might
roll off the bed. [chuckles]
- Sure.
- Some bruising.
- Yeah.
- A little soreness, stiffness,
but I don't think
you broke nothing,
miraculously.
And speaking of...[laughs]
Blake de Troy, can I touch you?
- Touch me?
- I mean, like, hug ya.
- Okay.
- Ah!
[gasps]
- Ow, ow, ow. Okay.
Oh! Ah!
Where's my--
(Antoinette)
Oh, drying out on the line.
It was covered in Gator Dew.
There was only one way
to get you out of that swamp.
[winch whining]
I knew it was you.
I felt you when
that limo passed.
[gasps] Do you believe in fate?
- No.
And you are?
- Antoinette Funk.
Mamed after a pizza place.
- The fan mail.
(Antoinette) Yes.
And you came.
And here you are.
- Here I am.
- I have loved you
since "Not in My House."
And now here you are,
in my house!
[chuckles]
I'm your number one fan.
[gasps]
- Is that Elton John?
(Antoinette) That is you,
silly wet willy!
That's your lady slippers
down by my coin slot.
[chuckles]
- Um, where is my cell phone?
- In a bowl of rice.
Water damage.
- There was a driver with me.
It was Simpson--Sim--Simms.
(Antoinette) Probably in
the belly of a gator now.
Slurp, slurp. [laughs]
Daddy always said
there's a million ways to die.
He loved you.
He was such a fan.
He was fitting to split
watching your old shows.
He used to say,
put that sissy man on.
I wanna laugh at him.
- [laughs nervously]
- He died in this bed.
He's over there with Mama now.
[melancholy music]
You saved me from
a lot of misery, Blake.
I was pretty lonely.
But every girl needs
a gay best friend.
I'm fine
with the gay thing now.
- Let's get me to a hospital.
- [scoffs] Unless you're
a meth head or gator-chomped,
you'll get much better care
here with me.
I used to be a vet tech.
- A vet tech?
- Mm.
Mostly just
held down the animals.
- Can I get my phone?
- In rice, Blake!
Oh, I got a karaoke machine!
- I had some pills.
- Mm, didn't find 'em.
I made you some hot dog water.
- Ugh. Uh-uh.
- Maybe I could get you
a sweet tea?
- Like, leave and get it?
(Antoinette)
Oh, just at the gas station.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Well--
- Oh, uh, you don't need to.
- All right, then.
I'll be right back.
- [gasps] Okay.
- Goo!
[chuckles]
[door closes]
- [panting]
[door opens in distance]
[door closes in distance]
[suspenseful music]
- [car engine turns over]
- [panting]
Ow! Oh!
Ow.
[grunting]
Yeah.
[grunting]
Oh.
[door clicks open]
Oh.
[sighs]
[panting]
She's passionate.
Oh.
My "Stars Under the Big Top"!
With kisses all over it.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, "Poo Like They Used To."
[laughing]
Oh, I missed him.
Oh, look at that.
[gasps] No.
Oh.
Oh, my action figure.
Oh, hello.
[laughs] Hello, me.
Oh.
"Not in My House"
Yes!
That is so--
I just--oh, wait.
[winces] Ah.
What is--
[chuckles]
"Hollywood's it boy."
Oh, I was so young.
What is this?
"Elephant missing
from local circus."
Hmm.
"Local woman confesses
to killing elephant."
"Elephant slayer walks free."
What--ah!
You're Dumbo now, Blake.
Ah! Ah.
Ah.
Ah!
Ow.
Fuck!
["fuck" echoing]
Fuck you, Jimmy,
and your fucking ashes.
Hmm.
[panting]
[gasping]
Ah!
[funky ringtone playing]
Hello?
- Mr. Detroit!
Tom at Trivia Entertainment.
- Tom, help me.
[static crackling]
I'm at a crazy fan's house.
She's been holding me--
- You're breaking up.
What's that?
- I've been kidnapped!
- Kidnapped?
- She killed an elephant!
- These actors.
[static crackling]
We emailed you--
- Wait, you're breaking up.
Email?
I'm out in the middle
of nowhere.
- Can't hear you, bud.
We want to buy your website.
- Are you still
considering me for the show?
- Network wants more topical.
Sorry.
- I'm about to be very topical.
I need your help, Tom, now!
- Hello?
You there, bud?
Detroit?
- No, "tuh."
Hello? Tom?
Call Charo!
She's my emergency contact!
- You are choppy, choppy.
Call me when you get out
of wherever you're at.
Appreciate you.
- Tom! No! Fuck!
[phone slams]
[whimpers]
[mysterious music]
(Antoinette)
They didn't have your tea, so--
- Hey, there you.
- Have you been
out of this room?
- No.
- Your hair's off
my clothesline
and back on your head.
- Okay, well, I need
a little dignity here.
Oh!
My leg.
Ow, shooting pain.
[whimpering]
- Oh.
- Antoinette?
Fuck!
Oh, no, no, please,
don't do this!
Oh, God. No!
No! Please, help! Help!
- Stand up.
- No. Help, Charo!
[crying]
- Stand up.
- [whimpering]
- Come here.
Okay, now, come over here.
Hold steady onto this, okay?
And then put your right leg
forward and your left arm back,
and then just stretch.
- Oh.
- Lean in.
There you go.
Rock--rock into that, okay?
Keep rocking.
- [whimpering]
There's so much
to trip on back here.
Just thought it'd be easier to
keep the door locked, but well,
I hope you weren't
put off by my--
I like to collect things.
- [gasps] Mm. Mm.
(Antoinette)
Those are vitamins.
- Oh.
[sniffs] Gin and tonic, please.
(Antoinette)
Lie down.
- Why?
(Antoinette)
Will you calm down?
- Ugh.
Okay.
Oh, magic fingers.
Wow.
Jimmy used to do my hands.
- Oh.
There you go.
- Mm.
- I saw the "People" Twitter.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
How many likes?
- Well, I liked it.
- Uh-huh.
- That might have been it.
- [sighs]
- It ain't easy
losing people we love.
- [sighs]
Jimmy kept the band playing.
He was--he was all I got.
- Tsk.
Oh.
Scoot over there.
Look.
- [whimpers]
- Look, you got me now, right?
We're gonna get you up singing
in no time.
- [crying]
I don't wanna be a burden.
- Fate brought you here
for a reason.
[soft music]
Come here.
- Maybe an upgrade
on the lotion.
- That's a $5 bottle.
- Yes, it is.
Mm.
I have some dietary
restrictions.
- Mm.
- [sighs]
Is there a cocktail hour?
[pensive music]
How soon till
I get my phone fixed?
(Antoinette) Uh, let me
make you dinner first.
Plus, I get by just fine
without a phone.
Library's got internet
if I really need it.
- How about generous pours?
(Antoinette)
[chuckles]
My Friday night special.
- I need a drink, Antoinette.
- There's no alcohol
in this house.
- I feel like shit, and I'm
sweating like Fat Elvis.
My hands are shaky.
(Antoinette)
You'll get that out.
You'll be feeling better
than a possum eating
a sweet tater in no time.
- What?
- You don't need alcohol
to find joy.
- Right now,
joy is zip-tied in a trunk
with a rag in its mouth.
Gin is the search party.
(Antoinette)
I'm sorry, Blake.
[chopping]
- Surely there's
a bottle around?
- No, there is not.
- Maybe quick run to the store?
- We're sitting for dinner.
- Something to wash
it all down.
- That's what water's for.
- Something to numb the pain.
- Just smile it away.
- Or drink it away.
- I said no, gosh dang it!
[thud]
Alcohol did my daddy in.
- Uh-huh.
- I got a nice surprise
for you later.
- Oh, okay.
Yay.
[lighthearted music]
- He loves and she loves
and we love
So why not you love
[smoke machine hissing]
And I love too
Birds love
and bees love and
Whispering trees love
That's what
we both should do
[clears throat]
Oh, I always knew someday
You'd come along
We'll make a twosome
That just can't go wrong
So he loves
and she loves and they love
So won't you love me
Like I love you
Whoo-hoo!
[laughs]
- [clapping]
- Thank you. Thank you.
Your turn!
- Oh, uh, not tonight.
- Blake de Troy in the house.
Come on up!
- Nah.
I don't--
- Blake, get up here now!
It'll be fun.
[Blake chuckling]
Come on.
- Oh, uh--
[Antoinette clapping]
- Oh.
- I don't sing.
- [scoffs] At all?
- I'm stone-cold sober
right now.
- What, were you drunk on TV?
- Uh--
- You were drunk on TV?
(Blake) It was another time.
I mean, my God,
craft services had cocaine
between the Tab
and the Twizzlers.
I needed a little help
to be Blake de Troy.
- Okay, well, uh,
how about I ask you a question,
like Don Humphries?
Blake de Troy,
what Florida football team
had the most Super Bowl wins?
- The Fort Lauderdale
Flamingos.
I don't watch football.
- Right, 'cause Blake de Troy
doesn't know manly things.
- Right.
He always
had a sassy, gay comeback.
That's what we're looking for.
- Yeah, but I didn't
come up with those.
- Well, who did?
- The writers.
- That wasn't you?
- Mm-mm.
- [scoffs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Let's go to bed.
- Antoinette, are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
[sighs] I read in your book
you like to fall asleep
to old "Hollywood Surprise"
reruns.
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
- What's your answer,
Mr. De Troy?
- You think
I'm gonna say pansies.
[laughter]
- I'm going to the store
tomorrow, so...
(Don)
Well, that is a flower.
- Make a list
of what you need.
[laughter]
(Blake) Well, gosh darn,
then, pansies!
- I'll leave the door unlocked.
Just don't trip on anything.
(Don) Pansies is right.
Janet gets the star.
- Maybe tomorrow we could go to
a nearby town and see a doctor?
No, no, no.
I smell a setup.
- I smell a pansy.
[laughter]
- Mwah. Mwah.
(Don) Blake de Troy,
everybody.
- [sighs]
He's not what I thought, Daddy.
[curious music]
Cheese of Nazareth, Blake.
Bulgarian cold press rosewater?
Camel milk?
Gin? No.
[sighs] I gotta get
your phone fixed too?
[gasps]
[suspenseful music]
- Well, look at you
all cute in your vest.
You here now?
- First day, Shoney.
I can't be having
personal talk right now.
- You ain't seen
my personal talk.
[gasps] What?
- [exhales] Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise.
Yeah, that's right over there.
That's right over there, ma'am.
[chuckles]
Please, I gotta keep this one.
- Just shopping over here.
Mm, this looks good.
- Yeah, don't it?
[chuckles]
- Oops!
[chuckles]
Hey, Paul, you better
treat that boy right,
'cause I'm gonna treat him
all kinds of wrong.
[car engine starting]
(singer) Deer crossing,
look both ways
Deer crossing,
deer crossing
Deer crossing, Hollywood
Deer crossing,
deer crossing
[siren fading]
[tense music]
- Oh, where's
your stash, Daddy?
[groans] Oh, God.
[groaning]
Oh.
Oh.
[sighs]
[muttering indistinctly]
[gasps] That works.
[sighs] Hmm.
Mm.
[sighs]
[engine humming]
- Dang it.
[sighs]
- Well, Ms. Funk.
- Ms. Funk.
- You see anything funny
down the road there?
- Funny?
- Well, for starters,
a chomped-up body
in a suit washed ashore
a quarter mile down.
Airboater thought he saw
the top of a car sinking.
- Hmm.
Did you go check?
- I'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
Just waiting for some gators
to go for a swim.
I ask the questions here,
ma'am.
- Well, I didn't see nothing.
[car horn honks]
- Quite jittery there,
ain't ya?
- No.
- Sure.
Could be an accident.
But when things go cuckoo
in this town,
I got my usual suspects.
- Can I go now?
- You know where you can go.
[engine humming]
[pensive music]
- Daddy, what'd I do?
What'd I do, Daddy?
[sighs]
Blake!
- Did you get my gin?
- No!
(Blake) [whining] Please.
I have just two
harmless daily drinks
four times a day.
- [gasps]
(Blake) We need cigarettes.
- Those were Daddy's.
- Hmm. A little expired.
- Blake, what did
you do to my house?
- I need a drink.
You're torturing me.
- You are a bad houseguest.
- No gin, shitty cigarettes,
my prescription pills
down by some swamp.
I can't find
the espresso machine.
- Prescription?
With your name on the bottle?
- Yes.
Can I get my "People" mag?
- I gotta go back.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
- Oh, get me gin.
I'll be your Blakey Blake,
karaoke, whatever you want.
And my phone!
Mm.
[mysterious music]
(Antoinette) [sighs]
I gotta find those pills.
[gasps]
[panting]
I feel like I'm getting
into trouble again, Daddy.
- [groaning]
[melodramatic music]
Get up! Get out of here!
[groaning]
Ah!
[snoring]
- [sighs] What the heck
is micro water, Blake?
- [gasps] That poor elephant.
You're an evil woman!
Can I get a selfie?
[camera shutter snaps]
[mysterious music]
- [sighs]
- Ant?
- No.
- Sure sounds it.
- Dang it!
Dan. [chuckles]
- What you doing, Ant?
- Just looking
for the micro water.
- Oh, all right, well, uh...
[clears throat]
That there's tequila.
"Grandy," not micro.
- So, uh, you're working
here now, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, ever since I quit
the pyramid scheme thing.
Turns out it was
a pyramid scheme.
Is that your basket?
(Antoinette) It is.
- What you doing with tofu?
[laughs]
You gone all libtard?
- Just trying to be
healthier, that's all.
Replacing the Cheez Whiz out
of my Friday night special.
- No, not the Cheez Whiz.
- Cheez Whiz has calories.
- Oh, but it's the Cheez Whiz.
You can't skip out
on the Cheez Whiz.
- Well, I'm gonna, with tofu.
Bye-bye, Cheez Whiz.
- Tofu ain't ever gonna
replace the Cheez Whiz.
I mean, it ain't your Friday
night special without the Whiz.
- You broke my heart, Dan.
- I didn't do anything.
- I saw you earlier with her.
- [scoffs] Shoney just
comes buzzing around here.
I pay her no mind.
I told you, she's lying.
- She don't have
no reason to lie.
- She's got
a buttload of reasons to,
starting with
she's jealous of you.
[sighs] I know you had to make
room for your daddy, all right?
And he didn't much like me.
- Well, he didn't
much like anybody.
- But he's gone now, Ant.
And--and--and I am sorry
for your loss.
I came to check on you
a few times.
- I know.
- You didn't answer the door.
Sent you a get well card too.
- I didn't get it.
- Yeah, I forgot the stamp.
It came back. That's on me.
But then I thought, well, heck,
that's how that works.
I'll put you as a return
address and save a stamp.
Turns out they're on to that,
the U.S. Postal Service.
And it came back again.
- I think it's best for both
of us if I shop at the Big Lots
from now on.
I wish you well.
- Well, wait, no, no, no, no.
Come on. That's an hour drive.
Stop this.
I--I know you're
lonely out there.
- Not no more.
- Not no more?
Well, okay. What that mean?
You got someone, or...?
- Sort of.
- Sort of?
[laughs]
What, y'all karaoke-ing?
[pensive music]
- Every night.
Excuse me.
- Wait, so since when
did you start drinking?
- [sighs]
Hmm.
Huh.
Hmm.
[door opens]
(Antoinette) Blake?
Where are you?
Oh. Hey, Blake.
What are you doing?
- Oh, just looking at myself.
(Antoinette)
Where's your hair?
- Yeah.
- I, uh, broke down and got
you a little something.
[upbeat music]
- [giggling]
I'm looking over
a four-leaf clover
That I overlooked before
One leaf is sunshine,
the second is rain
Third is the roses
that bloom in the lane
You see 'em?
No need explaining
It's somebody I adore
Ah!
I'm...
(both) Looking over
a four-leaf clover
- That I overlooked
(both)
That I overlooked
- That we overlooked
- That I looked overlooked
(both) Before
- Beginning
- Ah!
[sighs]
- [slurps]
[gulps]
I gave my whole self to a world
that wants nothing of me now.
Does anyone even
know I'm missing?
I mean, is anybody
looking for me?
Did I even make the news?
[sighs]
You like elephants, huh?
- Yeah.
- Do you wanna address
the elephant in the room?
- Which one?
- The one that you've...
[clicks tongue]
- Oh.
You saw my scrapbook, huh?
- It's a weird thing
to scrapbook.
- Well, he's dead.
I killed him.
Okay, no, he's not.
- He's alive?
- I rescued him from a circus.
I didn't realize how much
pain they went through
just for my entertainment.
- [sighs] So what'd you do?
- I snuck him away
to a sanctuary in Tennessee.
- Snuck him?
[laughs]
How do you sneak a--
- U-Haul.
Dan helped me.
[gasps]
It was a beautiful town.
- You confessed
to killing the thing.
Well, if the circus
knew he was alive,
they'll come looking for him.
But you can't tell anyone,
Blake.
You can't tell anyone, okay?
- I was scared
of you for nothing.
- You were scared of me?
- Well, I mean--
- Oh.
I guess I don't know
when to stop.
And neither do you.
How about take a break?
- No, I--oh, you know what?
Let's go stargazing.
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah!
I just gotta do a quick
drive around first.
[engine humming]
- What the hell, Blake?
[pensive music]
What were you doing?
- Hmm?
Let's go look at the stars.
Hmm?
- What's in your pockets?
- Uh, tissues.
Runny nose.
(Antoinette)
Take your hands out.
- Go ahead, check 'em.
Check 'em.
- No, open your fists.
(Blake) No. Ow.
[grunts] No.
(Antoinette) Yes!
- Give it to--give it to me.
- [grunts]
Drugs, Blake?
(Blake) I am a grown man.
- Where'd you even
get the money?
- I will pay you back.
- You stole from me?
(Blake) A few extra bucks
were sitting around...
- [scoffs]
- In the bottom
of your jewelry box
with a gold bracelet.
- My bracelet?
That was from my daddy.
Blake, you go back
and get that now!
- I would prefer not to.
- Blake, you go now!
- [grunting]
[pensive music]
[sirens whoop]
Shit!
- Shoot!
[sirens whoop]
(Blake) Go! Go! Go! Go!
[engine humming]
[paper crinkling]
Stars are out.
Stargazing.
How far is Epcot Center
from here?
It's good that you didn't
kill that elephant.
That's nice.
- I'm about to cloud up
and rain all over you
if you don't shut the fuck up.
- Okay, all right. Language.
I said sorry.
[scoffs]
Where are we going?
[pensive music]
- [sighs]
[engine humming]
Get out.
- Oh.
Are we going shopping?
- I know they say don't
meet your idols,
but Jesus Christ, Blake!
- Well, I am sorry
to disappoint you.
- Goodbye.
(Blake)
What, you're leaving me here?
First you kidnapped me and--
- Kidnapped you?
I saved you!
- You tied me up.
You locked the door.
- If I'm a kidnapper,
I sure am bad at it.
Here. Got it fixed for you.
[sighs] Goodbye, Blake.
- I'm not ready to go back.
- That bracelet
meant something to me.
Friends don't steal.
They give.
- But we're not friends,
Antoinette.
Okay? We were never friends.
You're just a crazy-ass fan!
- [sighs]
[somber music]
(singers)
Tap, tap, meow, meow
Meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow
Tap, tap, meow, meow
Meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow
(ad announcer) All you need
is a tap-tap with Fresh...
- Hey, sir, are you all right?
- That's me.
(ad announcer) Just one
tap-tap neutralizes odors.
- Uh, that's a cat
taking a doodie, sir.
(ad announcer) Fresh Paw
will tap-tap odors away.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
- Here I am.
(Cuddles the Bear)
It's me, Cuddles.
- That's Cuddles the Bear.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Did you hear?
- That's not me?
(Dan) No. No, that's Cuddles.
He's soft and fluffy, sir.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Come cuddle with me.
- Does he wanna be
soft and fluffy anymore?
Does he offend
with his soft and fluffy?
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
- 'Cause maybe
that's just who he is.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Cuddle the softness.
- Right.
I never thought
of it like that.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Cuddle the freshness!
You'll be so happy to.
Cuddle fabric softener
dryer sheets.
- Really showing your wings
tonight, Florida.
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
Come give me a big, big hug.
[birds chirping]
[rooster crows]
[music playing on TV]
- [groans]
[indistinct TV chatter]
Hello.
(announcer)
"Open That Box"!
[upbeat music on TV]
(woman) It's America's
favorite new celebrity
game show with boxes.
Are you ready
to open that box?
Here's your host, Axl Malone.
(Axl) What up, bitches?
We got nine boxes with some
dope celebrities inside.
Pick a box and let's do this.
Madison and Eli are gonna be
playing for some dank shit.
[audience cheering]
- Aw, man.
Sir.
(Axl) Madison, since you're
our returning winner,
you get to go first.
- Sir, hey.
(Axl) Pick a box.
- Can I help you
find something?
(Madison) Three.
(Axl) Number three.
- Like somewhere else
to loiter or--
(Axl) Open that box!
[audience cheering]
It's makeup tutorial sensation
and activist Tyler Brandon
Hughes!
- He stole my fucking bit.
(Tyler) Watch out now.
- Well, I'm Dan,
if you need me, and I'll be--
I'll be--
(Axl) We gotta
get serious for a minute.
You bravely announced
your battle
with seasonal restless face
syndromalgia.
- [scoffs]
(Axl) Got over
10 million views.
- 10 fucking million?
- That's a lot of awareness.
- It is.
And it's been a journey.
But I will use
the shit out of it!
[laughter]
For awareness.
[pensive music]
- Dan, I do need your help.
Hello.
- I met your somebody, Ant.
You be good to her, Howie.
- Howie?
Dan, please take this man
back to the store.
- Really? You don't want him?
- You can go, Dan.
We're gonna make this work.
I just wanna talk.
- I think it's better
if we remained separate.
Hold on, Dan!
- No need, Dan.
Can I just please come in?
(Dan) So am I going or--
- Yeah, and you're
taking him with you!
[gasps]
Daddy's bracelet?
(Blake) I was a jerk.
I am really sorry,
but I do need you as a friend
and a karaoke partner.
[chuckles]
- [sighs]
[soft music]
- Okay.
That's okay.
- Wait a minute.
This isn't--did you steal this?
- I need to keep this
kidnapping going, Antoinette.
- I didn't nap nobody!
- It's the closest shot I got.
I make the news,
I become topical,
I get back on "Hollywood
Surprise," Antoinette.
Don't you want that for me?
- All new episodes?
- Yes, and all I need
is one video of you
holding me against my will.
- But that makes me
a kidnapper.
- That makes you a number one
fan and best friend.
- But I'm not a kidnapper!
- Oh, well--
- No one's keeping you here!
- Did you tell anyone
you found me?
- Sure--I guess.
I am not good at planning.
Well, I don't know.
I found you, and I had you
here in my house.
And that was sort of neat.
And then--oh, boy.
Did I kidnap ya?
Wait, no. No, no, no.
Wait, I couldn't have
kidnapped you because
I dropped you off at the store.
- Sorry, this fish was caught.
I'm in the bucket,
flipping around.
- I released you
into the water.
You came swimming on back.
- Mouth's been hooked.
- You unhook a hook.
Just simple
as a pair of pliers.
Doesn't hurt the fish at all.
Anybody knows that.
- I'm not gonna be able
to keep up with this analogy.
I have your crazy fan mail
to prove it.
- I was just
writing you letters.
I was lonely.
Oh, this is nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
I'm taking you
back to the store.
- [grunts] Why not
to the police station, huh?
Afraid to?
- Give me those keys, Blake.
- Yeah, you were hoping to just
drop me off at the store
and forget the fact
that you drugged me.
- I did not drug you!
Now, give me those keys!
- You certainly gave me
a lot of liquor!
- You gave yourself the liquor.
I want those keys, Blake.
- No.
- Hey! No!
[both grunting]
(Blake) Give me these now!
[grunting]
(Antoinette) Give that to me!
(Blake) Here!
Let go! Let go! Let go!
[clattering, Antoinette grunts]
[suspenseful music]
[whimpering]
Good throw.
Oh, shit.
[sighs]
[pensive music]
You okay, my dear?
Had quite the tumble.
Tripped on a rug, I think.
- Got knocked on the head
with a typewriter.
- I couldn't let you
do to me what
you did to that poor elephant.
- Stop gassing me.
No one kidnapped you.
(Blake)
I need your help, Antoinette.
If you love someone,
you have to hold them captive.
- Blake, if I did that,
I'd get tarred and feathered
all over again,
and go to jail this time.
- Why would my best friend
go to jail?
- 'Cause I'm a kidnapper!
- Okay, now say that again.
(Antoinette) Blake, you ain't
thinking this through.
Okay? Look.
Blake, get this off me.
- No.
(Antoinette) Now, Blake!
Come--I said now, Blake.
- [yelps]
- You're gonna wish you
never came back here!
[quirky music]
- [panting]
(Antoinette)
Put Daddy's gun down!
You don't even know
how to rack that thing.
[gun clicks]
Wha--
- Played a cowboy
in a tampon commercial.
- Okay, it's not loaded.
[gunshot]
- Whoa!
- God dang it, Blake!
Put that gun down!
- You look really angry
right now,
like you could kill
an elephant.
- Listen to me, Blake, okay?
Even if I went along
with your story, there's Dan.
And I know he's only got
one oar in the water,
but he'll connect the dots.
He dropped you off here.
You came back on your own.
- [sighs]
He kept his mouth shut
about the elephant.
He could keep it shut
about this.
I'd certainly hate to spill
the beans on either.
- Blake, you promised.
(Blake) It's a lot to ask.
That elephant's
stolen property.
Oh, I wish you'd never told me,
I do, but you did.
- That elephant is
in a safe space right now.
Please, Blake.
- Your secret's safe with me,
if you help me out.
- [sighs]
- Hmm?
One little video?
America, listen to me
carefully.
This is Blake de Troy.
I've been kidnapped!
Hmm. Hmm.
It's good.
- Hi.
I'm the kidnapper,
and I'm real.
And I'm gonna keep
kidnapping Blake de Troy
until he gets 10 likes.
- 10,000.
- 10--10,000 likes.
- Yes, so keep me in your
thoughts and prayers, America!
And, uh, like this post
if you wanna see me...
(both) Open That Box!
- Hmm.
Posted.
[chuckles] Hmm.
- [sighs]
Would you relax?
I was afraid
to show you these before
'cause I thought
you'd want them back.
Take 'em.
- Are these--
(Antoinette)
Your original pair.
[pensive music]
- [gasping]
Oh, Jimmy told me
that the housekeeper
threw them out.
(Antoinette)
I bought them off eBay.
[knocking on door]
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
(Shoney) Ant, open
this fucking door!
- Shoney!
- Where are you going?
(Shoney) I know you're
in there, you nut bog.
- [stammering]
[knocking continues]
(Shoney) Fine!
I'll let myself in.
[grunts] Ow!
[door thuds]
- [yelps]
(Shoney) Fuck! My shoulder.
- Oh!
[gun cocking]
- [whimpering]
(Shoney) God dang it!
- What's happening?
- Oh.
[gasps] I knew it!
Where is she?
- Who?
- Your kooky kidnapper.
She better have given
her heart to Jesus
'cause her ass is mine.
- Okay.
- I'll just use
the bathroom first.
(Blake)
This really isn't necessary.
- Why ain't you
tied up and shit?
- And who are you, may I ask?
[urinating]
(Shoney) Shoney Funk, the Funk
sister that ain't hitting noon
on the cuckoo clock.
- Oh, I can't anymore.
(Shoney) This new wallpaper?
[toilet flushes]
[tense music]
Where is she?
- I think this may all be
one big misunderstanding.
[knocking on door]
- Ant?
Once again,
you are an embarrassment
to the whole Funk family.
[knocking on door]
Open up, ant brain.
- I'm fine, really.
- Oh.
[siren chirps]
Goll dang it!
- We all need to take a breath.
- No. No, no, no.
Not authorized.
[engine turns over]
Not authorized!
You get the fuck out of my car!
- Move, Shoney!
- I'm gonna whup your ass
one way or another.
- Would you just move, please?
- No wonder Dan came
plucking my melon.
- He said he didn't.
- You're too plumb nutty
to keep him yourself!
I wish you would.
- Ladies!
Don't make me fire this!
- It's unloaded.
- Ain't no shells left!
- Last chance, Ant.
Get out of my fucking car!
Four!
- [gasps]
- Three!
- Put the gun down.
- Two!
- [gasping]
[gunshot, screams]
[engine revving]
[bone cracks]
[screams]
(Blake) Oh!
Ah!
Oh.
[whimpering] Oh!
- [breathing heavily]
[pensive music]
- [sighs]
I never fucked Dan, you bitch.
Jeez Louise.
I would have.
Now I really would have.
- Shoney?
Shoney!
She's dead.
- She's dead?
What, you killed her?
- No, she shot at me.
- I fired!
- You shot at her?
- I missed!
- I thought she was--
well, you shot your gun.
Wait, I thought it was--
I hit the gas!
- You--I--I didn't kill her!
I--I missed!
There--there's no gunshot!
No!
Any sane juror in the state
of Florida would--
oh, I'm fucked.
[funky ringtone playing]
- Hollywood.
I should take this.
Blake de Troy.
- De Troy, buddy,
it's Tom from "Open That Box."
- Hi, Tom.
- So kidnapped?
I like it.
Your video is getting traction.
- Okay.
- There's a TikTok trend
brewing.
The Gen Z'ers are having
fun lip-syncing to it.
It's so cute.
- Don't they care
I'm in danger?
- Nah, they're all sociopaths.
But I think "GMA"
might pick it up.
- "Good Morning, America"?
Am I back
on the Hollywood Surpri--
"Open That Box"?
- Can we get one more from you?
Like, really milk the trend.
Build up the likes.
Still be overdramatic.
Still be gay, just not too gay.
That's homophobic.
- Uh-huh.
- [laughs] People love it.
It's so bad.
Maybe show us the kidnapper?
Or maybe kill the kidnapper,
like, in a dramatic escape?
[unsettling music]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
That'd be too gruesome.
[chuckles]
But if it happens
to get to that,
imagine the turn that would be.
Hello, Netflix.
Just don't kill a cop
or any good guys.
We'd lose the middle man.
And the gays
can't be the villains.
They'd kill me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's tell this story,
Blake, huh?
Let's get it!
All right. Later, later.
Bye. Love you.
- [sighs]
- What is it?
- We have to get rid
of the body.
(Antoinette) What?
- Oh, yeah.
We killed a cop.
- She's my sister.
- She was no sister.
- [sighs]
Spaghetti.
Grab the keys to my truck.
- I said, I'm sorry!
- Who the hell throws keys
into a swamp?
- I panicked!
I can't drive anyway.
I was afraid
you were gonna leave.
- Right,
'cause you kidnapped me!
- This where we're dumping her?
Fine, throw her in.
Let's go. It's hot.
- Hand me that can.
[pensive music]
Help me spread this around.
- Wet noodles? That's gross.
I'm not doing that.
Uh, you finishing up there?
- [sighs] I can't do it, Blake.
She's my sister.
- Just dump her!
- [gasps]
- What in the Home Depot hell
am I doing in a garden wagon?
Canned spaghetti?
We used to use that
to feed the--
[alligator growls]
[thud, splash]
- Thank God you woke up
when you did.
- I'm covered
in marinara, you bitch.
My ankle's broke!
- Did you even think
to check her pulse?
- I don't know. Did you?
We both weren't quite
thinking straight at the time.
- Crazy-ass nut!
- Would you stop it
with the insults?
- Let's keep walking!
- When your ass is in jail,
I'm gonna be grinnin' bigger
than a possum eating--
- No, no more!
I need to get
in fucking makeup.
- What for?
- For what?
- Another video.
- Blake, we gotta get Shoney
to a hospital.
- Oh, now there's a hospital?
That is rich.
- We made your video!
(Blake) I need another.
- Blake, I did what you asked!
- I am going to be on
fucking "GMA"!
[curious music]
- Jesus.
- Jesus.
- Dan, what are you doing here?
- Dan.
(Dan) I wrote a song for you.
I got a lot that
I need to tell you.
And I'm better at singing it
than I am saying it.
But I'm also better singing
it prerecorded than live.
So I'm gonna lip this one
out for you, baby.
[R&B music playing]
Hey, Ant.
Ah.
It's me, Dan.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about you, baby.
Gosh darn it, I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I wanna tell you
what's on my heart.
[autotuned singing]
Roses are red
And plumbagos are blue
Flowers
My heart is moist when
it's just me and you
So good
You make me feel safe
and you do me no harm
Baby
Feel like a boy wrapped up
in his mommy's arms
So safe
When we kissing
and licking
There just ain't
no one else, yeah
You are my Antoinette,
cuter than a pygmy marmoset
But most importantly
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
Antoinette, ah
[beat boxing]
Come on!
I only wanna fuck you
And I'll fuck up whoever
Fucks you too!
Come on, big guy.
And you come get a piece of
this Chinese lunch food buffet!
- Don't, Dan!
(Dan) Come on, big boy.
- Oh!
(Dan) Whoa! Hey.
What the--
- Eh!
- Okay, let's watch it
with that thing.
- Not authorized.
- Man to man, Howie.
- No, he shot a lamp.
- Well, this lamp is on!
(Antoinette) Dan, don't.
Okay, Blake, please,
just put that thing down!
- Sir, put it down now.
Florida law.
You can't shoot anyone
without a permit.
- I got this, Shoney!
(Shoney) Oh, like you
got me in a dang wagon?
(Antoinette)
Oh, would you please stop?
- Let's go!
[gunshot, gasping]
- God, Dan!
- [groans]
(Antoinette) Dan!
- [screaming]
(Shoney) Dang!
- Owie.
(Antoinette) Oh, okay.
Okay, he got you
in the shoulder, not the heart.
- You got me there, lady.
[chuckles]
- Did I kill him?
He was coming at me.
I didn't mean to kill him!
(Antoinette)
You didn't kill him!
(Shoney)
You're still fucked, dude.
(Antoinette) Shoney!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Blake, stop!
Let's go inside
and make your video, okay?
- [sighs]
- Dan's gonna be fine.
- [choking]
- Let's just go
make your video.
[suspenseful music]
- [sniffing]
Is Dan gonna die?
- I'll go check on him.
- You'll grab the gun off
the porch and shoot me.
(Antoinette)
No, I wouldn't do that.
It's a double barrel anyway.
The two shots, you shot 'em.
It's empty. Let me go help Dan.
- But my video.
- I'll be fast. Huh?
- [sighs]
- Blake?
Can you hit Play on my tapes?
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
But come back?
- Of course.
(announcer) The stars are out
and really high.
Get ready, America.
It's time
for "Hollywood Surprise."
- I don't think
this is cocaine.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll miss them teeth.
(announcer) And here's
your host, Don Humphries.
(Don) Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome to
"Hollywood Surprise."
- [sniffing]
- Hey, Ant--Ant--
Ant, get my phone out
of the car and call the cops.
- It's a real mess, Dan.
- No, call the cops.
That boy ain't right.
He's like a caged animal.
There's no telling
what he could do.
[gunshot]
Hey, where are you--
Ant, Ant, stay out here.
Ant.
(Shoney) Ant!
Daddy's stash.
(Don) And our returning
champion, Janet.
(Janet) Hi, Don.
My name is Janet.
I'm from Pearl River,
New York.
I'm a stewardess.
I'd like to say hello to my
husband, Ted, who's at home.
Hi, Ted. I'll be home soon.
(Don) Thanks, Janet.
Welcome back.
Now let's see
what prizes we have
in store for our contestants.
Take it away.
(announcer)
You betcha, Don!
- [screams] Blake!
- Sorry.
It's not cocaine.
[TV chatter]
(announcer)
Watch the latest movies
with your very own LaserDisc
entertainment system.
- [snorting]
- Huh?
- [snorting]
(announcer)
Or make your own movie.
Capture all of life's special
moments in this VHS camcorder
by KnuckleSanic.
- Blake, drop the gun.
- I don't wanna.
(Antoinette) Please!
- I'm fucked.
- No, you're not!
- I'm over.
[somber music]
- No, you're not,
Blake de Troy.
Not to me. Not never.
I'm your number one fan.
That's never over.
I don't wanna lose you.
(Don) Wow, some nice things
to win there.
- Whether that's me going
or you going...
(Don) Here we go.
- I wanna keep
laughing with you, Blake.
- That's all
I ever wanted to do.
(Antoinette)
Right, so give me the gun,
'cause somebody's
gonna get hurt.
- Dan already did.
(Don) Get it wrong...
- I'm fucked.
- He's fine.
He's doing jumping jacks
out there right now.
Just give me the gun, Blake.
(Janet) Give me
that center surprise, Don.
(Don) That center surprise.
All right.
- Blake, give me the gun.
(Don) Let's open that box!
- [whimpering]
[upbeat music on TV]
(Don) Well, if it isn't
Blake de Troy, everybody.
[audience cheering]
- [sighs]
(Don) Okay, okay,
let's get to the question.
Are you ready, Blake?
Blake?
Blake?
- I'm ready, Don.
- This desert town
in the Coachella Valley
has the most pools per capita
in the United States.
What do you say, Blake?
- I'm not good
with geography, Don.
- That's funny.
I thought you got around.
- I can't remember
the next line.
(Don) Hmm.
Do you think he knows
the answer, Jimmy?
[pensive music]
- I hope so.
- Jimmy.
I don't know my line, Jimmy.
And I think I don't
wanna do this.
Let's go, Jimmy.
Let's go to Palm Springs.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm ready Jimmy.
I'm--
I'm ready to go.
(Don) Sounds like
Blake is saying Palm Springs.
- I'm gonna agree.
Palm Springs.
- Correct. Palm Springs it is.
Now, close up that box,
would you?
Bye-bye, Blake.
[TV crackling]
(Antoinette) He loves
And she loves
And they love
[fog machine hissing]
So why not
You love
And I love
Too
[gentle music]
Birds love
And bees love
And
Whispering trees love
And that's what we both
Should do
(Dan) Hey, Ant.
Ah, it's me, Dan.
Yeah, I've been thinking
about you, baby.
Gosh darn it, I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I wanna tell you
what's on my heart.
[clears throat] Check it out.
[autotuned singing]
Roses are red
And plumbagos are blue,
flowers
My heart is moist when it's
just me and you, so wet
You make me feel safe
and you do me no harm, baby
Feel like a boy wrapped up
in his mommy's arms, so safe
When we kissing
and licking
There just ain't
no one else, yeah, no one
You are my Antoinette,
cuter than a pygmy marmoset
But most importantly,
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
[beat boxing]
[R&B music]
Just to repeat,
I didn't fuck Shoney.
Fuck!
[beat boxing]
[coughing]
D-A-N and A-N-T
Not Shoney,
just you and me
I-- Just to repeat,
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
[somber music]
[raspy breathing]
- Contestants,
you've got six boxes
to open up there on the grid,
each with a Hollywood
surprise guest star inside.
Now, pick a number,
we open that box,
and we ask that
surprise star a question.
And you tell me
if they're right or wrong.
If you're right,
you get the star.
If you're wrong,
return to sender.
Okay, Janet. You're up.
Pick a box.
(Janet) Give me
that center surprise, Don.
(Don) All right, let's...
(both)
Open that box!
(Don)
It's Blake de Troy,
star of "Not in My House."
- It's Blake, Daddy.
He's on.
(Don) Which marshmallow
could be found
in the original boxes
of Lucky Charms in 1964--
the pink hearts
or the blue diamonds?
- Oh-ho boy.
(Blake) How would I know?
I only eat Froot Loops.
[laughter]
(Don) I would have pegged you
for Puffed Wheat, Blake.
[siren warbles]
(Blake) Oh, would you, Don?
Well, I could go get you some.
[police siren whooping]
(singer) Deer crossing,
deer crossing
Deer crossing
in the sticks
Deer cross--
[door indicator beeping]
- [panting]
[knocking]
(Shoney)
Fucking really, Ant?
Let me see Daddy.
- He don't wanna see you.
- He doesn't or you don't?
Let me pay my last respects
to the old drunk.
- You betrayed me, Shoney.
- Fine.
You wanna sit locked in there
with your plum nutty self
and only that drunk
keeping you company,
then so fucking be it, Ant.
- [huffs, grunts]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(singer) Deer crossing
Growing up
in Middle Tennessee
Riding back roads--
[somber music]
- [sighs]
Daddy?
[raucous laughter on tv]
- Settle down there,
Tinker Bell.
Answer the question.
- Um, I'm gonna say
pink hearts, Don.
- Blake de Troy
says pink hearts.
What say you, Janet?
(Janet) I'm gonna agree,
pink hearts.
(Don) Pink hearts it is.
Janet gets a star.
- Yes!
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
[laughs]
- He's shimmying his
lady slippers, Daddy.
- Oh, oh, one of the gals
from "Price is Right" is here.
- How's she looking?
- Stretched to oblivion.
Fabulous.
- I meant her
meet-and-greet lines.
- Oh, um, healthy.
- Good for her.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, I could have
sworn you were dead.
- I did, too, honey.
I did too.
Um, who can I make this out to?
- Sarah with an H.
- Oh, well, Sarah with an H.
[hums]
[indistinct speech]
[chuckles]
- You're not Paul Lynde?
- Lynde died
40 years ago, dear.
- You do the confetti.
- Rip Taylor.
Not Richard Simmons,
not Jim Jaye,
not Charles Nelson Reilly.
My name is right here.
- Why are you famous?
- Uh, well, I played
Sebastian Ricketts.
- Oh.
- The wacky, intuitive
bachelor neighbor
on two seasons
of "Not in My House."
- Mm-hmm.
- But you might recognize
me more as a recurring box
on "The Hollywood Surprise."
[chuckles]
I wrote the tell-all.
- Hmm.
- Uh, uh, TV movies,
"Stars Under the Big Top."
Loni Anderson split her lip.
- Can I get a refund?
- Yes, okay.
[quirky music]
Hold on to that.
Might have another
Sarah with an H.
[sighs]
[laughter]
(Don) Do you get
a lot of fan mail, Blake?
- Of course I do.
They love me.
[laughter]
(Don) What type of person
writes Blake de Troy?
- What type?
(Don) Yeah, what type?
Are they like you?
(Blake)
What do you mean, Don?
(Don) Is the stationery
pink and polka dotted
is what I'm asking.
[laughter]
- Oh, you mean like
your underwear, Donnie boy?
[laughter]
(Don) Okay, okay,
don't encourage him, folks.
Your answer?
[somber music]
- Betty Crawford
from Seattle, Washington,
postmarked
Hollywood, California.
Joan Davis, Wichita, Kansas,
postmarked
Hollywood, California.
You have the stealth
of a barnyard animal, Jimmy.
- Bah.
- Mm.
This one's from Milford,
Florida, Antoinette Funk,
postmarked Milford, Florida?
- Ah, the Everglades.
- You and your Everglades.
- You think I snuck over
to the Everglades to mail that?
You still have fans, Blake.
- "Dear Blake,
Daddy's gone, dead.
I'm hanging in there
like a hair on a biscuit."
What in the hee-haw hell,
Jimmy?
- Okay, I could never
have come up with that.
- Yeah, well, she's got the
penmanship of a serial killer.
Certainly not yours.
"But thanks to you, Daddy and I
shared some final moments
"of joy and laughter.
I still watch you on TV
to chase away the blues."
Hopefully without Daddy
rotting beside her.
"You make good company.
"Even better if
you'd come and visit.
"I got a spare room now.
"You okay with red meat?
"We'll have fun.
I have a karaoke machine.
You like elephants?
You okay with red meat?"
Already asked that.
"Come visit, dang it.
Antoinette Funk."
This is all that's left.
Send her a headshot,
and my condolences.
Where are my trades?
(Jimmy) They haven't come yet.
But take a look at this.
- Three bedroom, three bath,
mid-century modern pool.
Palm Springs?
I told you no to Palm Springs.
It's where drag queens
go to die.
- Exactly.
- I'm not done here.
- What's left to do?
You've had a career.
You--you--the sitcom,
the game show.
The toilet seat alone has
given us a nice retirement.
- It activates those
prehistoric muscles
for a healthier poo!
- [slurps, gulps]
There's still an act two.
- [sighs]
Blakey, this town has run
its course, don't you think?
- I don't feel like I'm done.
- That's because
it's all fleeting.
How much longer
do we have, hmm?
How do you wanna spend it?
- This is why you kept
the trades from me
this morning, isn't it?
- [exhales]
Page eight,
there's your damn act two.
- Trivia Entertainment
set to premier
at the "Hollywood Surprise"
revival for network primetime.
How did I not know about this?
- And they called,
but I haven't called them back.
- Mm, the pool's nice.
Pull up the car.
Open that box!
- Blake de Troy,
old "Hollywood Surprise."
The website.
- Mr. Detroit!
- De Troy, without the tuh.
Yeah.
- Ah, the legend.
We appreciate you coming in
here, unscheduled, unannounced.
Dillon, get back to your desk.
We could have done this
over the phone.
- Oh, no.
Better to discuss
in person, yeah.
I am ready for my comeback,
Mr. DeMille.
Right? [chuckles]
I know you've
already started production,
but I can always
slip in mid-season. [chuckles]
Sure, that is something
to be discussed.
But your book's website--
- Uh, "Open That Box,"
my autobiography.
Barbara Mandrell was furious.
- Uh--
Sh--great title.
You were boxed in
by Hollywood, by the times,
by a really sad,
bad gay stereotype.
And you demanded, let me out.
- No, no, I was in a box, a big
blue box, uh, that opened.
- Yeah, well, that's what
we're calling the revamp,
"Open That Box."
- You're cutting the surprise!
- Triggering.
- The Hollywood?
- Toxic, and irrelevant
these days,
you know, with social media.
- Oh, I see.
- But...
we would love
to make you an offer.
- [gasps]
Really?
- Openthatbox.com, the domain.
- Not for me?
(Tom) Oh, um, the network wants
more topical personalities,
in-the-news types,
people that other people know.
So stupid, I know.
- Well, I've got people--
at "People," "People Magazine,"
"People Magazine" Twitter, a--
a person there.
So, uh, one phone call
and I'm topical.
[laughter]
- Oh! Look at that!
Dillon's got some merch
for you.
Ooh.
- I--
[balls bouncing]
I don't want merch.
I wanna be the merch.
If you want the website, well,
then we're a package deal.
Otherwise, find another name.
- We've already printed
50,000 stress balls.
- Okay, then.
Don't go replacing me.
- We're not.
You're irreplaceable.
[air horn blares]
- Suck my clit, bitches!
YouTube's number one makeup
tutorialist is in effect.
Open this box!
[thud]
- [snapping fingers]
- Dillon, get Mr. Detroit
to his car, please.
We'll be in touch, Blake.
- [stammers, whimpers]
[pensive music]
See you.
Those pretzels were for you.
(Don) What's the maximum
number of days
Emily Post says you should
stay as a houseguest?
(Blake)
Well, that depends.
Is there a wet bar?
[laughter]
(Don)
I could use a drink right now,
talking to you.
(Blake) Oh, well,
are we on a date here?
[laughs]
Just get a little closer.
Don't be shy.
[pensive music]
- [sighs heavily]
- Mm. Mm.
Ah.
Social media--
I know I said it was
for talentless, badly-lit,
one-note commoners,
but everyone's topical
on TokTik.
One more, please.
- Two is enough.
- We're celebrating!
- [scoffs] They wanted
your website, Blake.
- God damn it, Jimmy!
Stop bringing me down!
(Jimmy)
And there she is.
Good night.
- Get out.
- I'm moving to Palm Springs
with or without you.
I spent too much
of my life with this.
And if you can't leave it,
then I'm gonna--
- Say it.
Go ahead, say it.
- [groaning]
[thud]
- What was that?
Go already!
You really know
how to piss me off!
Who needs you?
I certainly don't.
[sniffles] You hold me back.
In fact, I want you
gone now, Jimmy!
You're out of here!
And I mean it this time.
[sighs] Just--just be gone!
Just leave and never come back!
[laughs]
That's right, I said it!
And I'm not gonna
regret it, this one!
I'm not gonna regret it
in the morning!
[chuckles] Just go find
a hole and drop dead in it
for all I care, asshole!
Jimmy, the light's still
shining through my mask.
[melancholy music]
As if the world couldn't
shrink away anymore.
Per your wishes, my ranger.
Ever nature's guardian,
ever mine.
I see why you like it
out here, the Everglades.
Bare bones quiet.
[gasps]
Oh, I needed the noise,
you always said.
I sometimes put
all that before you.
I'm sorry, Jimmy!
Cut.
Cut it.
Stop.
How was that?
- Eight takes.
I think we got it.
- All right.
Post that for me.
I'll meet you back at the limo.
I just gotta spread
the ashes now--
privately.
No TikTok.
Not everything's
for the camera.
You remember that...
(Simms) Simms.
- You remember that, Simms,
okay?
'Cause your generation likes
to overshare everything.
And some things are--really
need to just stay with you.
Hmm? Yeah.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
- I'll meet you back
at the limo.
- We'll shoot it from the back.
[melodramatic classical music]
How far to Fort Lauderdale?
- About two hours.
What's up with them pills?
- The, um--
I can't pronounce them.
Here, just--
[funky ringtone playing]
- Shit!
[ringtone continues]
- Oh.
"People" Twitter.
Yes, Blake de Troy.
Hi, Anthony.
Did you see the video
on my TikTok?
[chuckles] Has "People" Twitter
reposted it yet?
Why not?
Jimmy paid you?
Um, I--I didn't know that.
I--no, no, I get it.
I get it.
It's "People" Twitter.
You hold an enormous amount
of power in your hands.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, what choice do I--
just please repost it.
How am I gonna do this
without you, Jimmy?
- [grunts]
[tires squeal]
I'm sorry.
You okay?
- Yeah. Yes.
I'm gonna be okay.
I just need
a little pick-me-up.
- Coke?
- You got?
- You got?
- No.
No, I was--I was
referring to this.
[pensive music]
[sighs]
Can we make a quick stop?
[knocking on door]
[chuckling awkwardly]
Um.
Not home. Let's go.
Jesus.
Where'd you get that?
It's fine.
I'll just work around.
You okay to drive?
Eh, it's Florida.
You got any snacks?
[crunching] Mmm.
Yeah.
Mm.
- [sighs forcefully]
[engine humming]
[engine humming]
[horn honks]
- Mr. Simms!
- [gasps]
- [screams]
- Jeez Louise.
[melancholy music]
- [panting] Ah.
- [sighs, gasps]
He was here.
[sighs]
[tires squealing]
Blake!
- Uh, Mr. Simms?
- [sighs]
- Uh, Mr. Simms, are you okay?
[dramatic music]
Whoa!
[screams]
[pensive music]
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
[grunts]
- I thought you might
roll off the bed. [chuckles]
- Sure.
- Some bruising.
- Yeah.
- A little soreness, stiffness,
but I don't think
you broke nothing,
miraculously.
And speaking of...[laughs]
Blake de Troy, can I touch you?
- Touch me?
- I mean, like, hug ya.
- Okay.
- Ah!
[gasps]
- Ow, ow, ow. Okay.
Oh! Ah!
Where's my--
(Antoinette)
Oh, drying out on the line.
It was covered in Gator Dew.
There was only one way
to get you out of that swamp.
[winch whining]
I knew it was you.
I felt you when
that limo passed.
[gasps] Do you believe in fate?
- No.
And you are?
- Antoinette Funk.
Mamed after a pizza place.
- The fan mail.
(Antoinette) Yes.
And you came.
And here you are.
- Here I am.
- I have loved you
since "Not in My House."
And now here you are,
in my house!
[chuckles]
I'm your number one fan.
[gasps]
- Is that Elton John?
(Antoinette) That is you,
silly wet willy!
That's your lady slippers
down by my coin slot.
[chuckles]
- Um, where is my cell phone?
- In a bowl of rice.
Water damage.
- There was a driver with me.
It was Simpson--Sim--Simms.
(Antoinette) Probably in
the belly of a gator now.
Slurp, slurp. [laughs]
Daddy always said
there's a million ways to die.
He loved you.
He was such a fan.
He was fitting to split
watching your old shows.
He used to say,
put that sissy man on.
I wanna laugh at him.
- [laughs nervously]
- He died in this bed.
He's over there with Mama now.
[melancholy music]
You saved me from
a lot of misery, Blake.
I was pretty lonely.
But every girl needs
a gay best friend.
I'm fine
with the gay thing now.
- Let's get me to a hospital.
- [scoffs] Unless you're
a meth head or gator-chomped,
you'll get much better care
here with me.
I used to be a vet tech.
- A vet tech?
- Mm.
Mostly just
held down the animals.
- Can I get my phone?
- In rice, Blake!
Oh, I got a karaoke machine!
- I had some pills.
- Mm, didn't find 'em.
I made you some hot dog water.
- Ugh. Uh-uh.
- Maybe I could get you
a sweet tea?
- Like, leave and get it?
(Antoinette)
Oh, just at the gas station.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Well--
- Oh, uh, you don't need to.
- All right, then.
I'll be right back.
- [gasps] Okay.
- Goo!
[chuckles]
[door closes]
- [panting]
[door opens in distance]
[door closes in distance]
[suspenseful music]
- [car engine turns over]
- [panting]
Ow! Oh!
Ow.
[grunting]
Yeah.
[grunting]
Oh.
[door clicks open]
Oh.
[sighs]
[panting]
She's passionate.
Oh.
My "Stars Under the Big Top"!
With kisses all over it.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, "Poo Like They Used To."
[laughing]
Oh, I missed him.
Oh, look at that.
[gasps] No.
Oh.
Oh, my action figure.
Oh, hello.
[laughs] Hello, me.
Oh.
"Not in My House"
Yes!
That is so--
I just--oh, wait.
[winces] Ah.
What is--
[chuckles]
"Hollywood's it boy."
Oh, I was so young.
What is this?
"Elephant missing
from local circus."
Hmm.
"Local woman confesses
to killing elephant."
"Elephant slayer walks free."
What--ah!
You're Dumbo now, Blake.
Ah! Ah.
Ah.
Ah!
Ow.
Fuck!
["fuck" echoing]
Fuck you, Jimmy,
and your fucking ashes.
Hmm.
[panting]
[gasping]
Ah!
[funky ringtone playing]
Hello?
- Mr. Detroit!
Tom at Trivia Entertainment.
- Tom, help me.
[static crackling]
I'm at a crazy fan's house.
She's been holding me--
- You're breaking up.
What's that?
- I've been kidnapped!
- Kidnapped?
- She killed an elephant!
- These actors.
[static crackling]
We emailed you--
- Wait, you're breaking up.
Email?
I'm out in the middle
of nowhere.
- Can't hear you, bud.
We want to buy your website.
- Are you still
considering me for the show?
- Network wants more topical.
Sorry.
- I'm about to be very topical.
I need your help, Tom, now!
- Hello?
You there, bud?
Detroit?
- No, "tuh."
Hello? Tom?
Call Charo!
She's my emergency contact!
- You are choppy, choppy.
Call me when you get out
of wherever you're at.
Appreciate you.
- Tom! No! Fuck!
[phone slams]
[whimpers]
[mysterious music]
(Antoinette)
They didn't have your tea, so--
- Hey, there you.
- Have you been
out of this room?
- No.
- Your hair's off
my clothesline
and back on your head.
- Okay, well, I need
a little dignity here.
Oh!
My leg.
Ow, shooting pain.
[whimpering]
- Oh.
- Antoinette?
Fuck!
Oh, no, no, please,
don't do this!
Oh, God. No!
No! Please, help! Help!
- Stand up.
- No. Help, Charo!
[crying]
- Stand up.
- [whimpering]
- Come here.
Okay, now, come over here.
Hold steady onto this, okay?
And then put your right leg
forward and your left arm back,
and then just stretch.
- Oh.
- Lean in.
There you go.
Rock--rock into that, okay?
Keep rocking.
- [whimpering]
There's so much
to trip on back here.
Just thought it'd be easier to
keep the door locked, but well,
I hope you weren't
put off by my--
I like to collect things.
- [gasps] Mm. Mm.
(Antoinette)
Those are vitamins.
- Oh.
[sniffs] Gin and tonic, please.
(Antoinette)
Lie down.
- Why?
(Antoinette)
Will you calm down?
- Ugh.
Okay.
Oh, magic fingers.
Wow.
Jimmy used to do my hands.
- Oh.
There you go.
- Mm.
- I saw the "People" Twitter.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
How many likes?
- Well, I liked it.
- Uh-huh.
- That might have been it.
- [sighs]
- It ain't easy
losing people we love.
- [sighs]
Jimmy kept the band playing.
He was--he was all I got.
- Tsk.
Oh.
Scoot over there.
Look.
- [whimpers]
- Look, you got me now, right?
We're gonna get you up singing
in no time.
- [crying]
I don't wanna be a burden.
- Fate brought you here
for a reason.
[soft music]
Come here.
- Maybe an upgrade
on the lotion.
- That's a $5 bottle.
- Yes, it is.
Mm.
I have some dietary
restrictions.
- Mm.
- [sighs]
Is there a cocktail hour?
[pensive music]
How soon till
I get my phone fixed?
(Antoinette) Uh, let me
make you dinner first.
Plus, I get by just fine
without a phone.
Library's got internet
if I really need it.
- How about generous pours?
(Antoinette)
[chuckles]
My Friday night special.
- I need a drink, Antoinette.
- There's no alcohol
in this house.
- I feel like shit, and I'm
sweating like Fat Elvis.
My hands are shaky.
(Antoinette)
You'll get that out.
You'll be feeling better
than a possum eating
a sweet tater in no time.
- What?
- You don't need alcohol
to find joy.
- Right now,
joy is zip-tied in a trunk
with a rag in its mouth.
Gin is the search party.
(Antoinette)
I'm sorry, Blake.
[chopping]
- Surely there's
a bottle around?
- No, there is not.
- Maybe quick run to the store?
- We're sitting for dinner.
- Something to wash
it all down.
- That's what water's for.
- Something to numb the pain.
- Just smile it away.
- Or drink it away.
- I said no, gosh dang it!
[thud]
Alcohol did my daddy in.
- Uh-huh.
- I got a nice surprise
for you later.
- Oh, okay.
Yay.
[lighthearted music]
- He loves and she loves
and we love
So why not you love
[smoke machine hissing]
And I love too
Birds love
and bees love and
Whispering trees love
That's what
we both should do
[clears throat]
Oh, I always knew someday
You'd come along
We'll make a twosome
That just can't go wrong
So he loves
and she loves and they love
So won't you love me
Like I love you
Whoo-hoo!
[laughs]
- [clapping]
- Thank you. Thank you.
Your turn!
- Oh, uh, not tonight.
- Blake de Troy in the house.
Come on up!
- Nah.
I don't--
- Blake, get up here now!
It'll be fun.
[Blake chuckling]
Come on.
- Oh, uh--
[Antoinette clapping]
- Oh.
- I don't sing.
- [scoffs] At all?
- I'm stone-cold sober
right now.
- What, were you drunk on TV?
- Uh--
- You were drunk on TV?
(Blake) It was another time.
I mean, my God,
craft services had cocaine
between the Tab
and the Twizzlers.
I needed a little help
to be Blake de Troy.
- Okay, well, uh,
how about I ask you a question,
like Don Humphries?
Blake de Troy,
what Florida football team
had the most Super Bowl wins?
- The Fort Lauderdale
Flamingos.
I don't watch football.
- Right, 'cause Blake de Troy
doesn't know manly things.
- Right.
He always
had a sassy, gay comeback.
That's what we're looking for.
- Yeah, but I didn't
come up with those.
- Well, who did?
- The writers.
- That wasn't you?
- Mm-mm.
- [scoffs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Let's go to bed.
- Antoinette, are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
[sighs] I read in your book
you like to fall asleep
to old "Hollywood Surprise"
reruns.
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
- What's your answer,
Mr. De Troy?
- You think
I'm gonna say pansies.
[laughter]
- I'm going to the store
tomorrow, so...
(Don)
Well, that is a flower.
- Make a list
of what you need.
[laughter]
(Blake) Well, gosh darn,
then, pansies!
- I'll leave the door unlocked.
Just don't trip on anything.
(Don) Pansies is right.
Janet gets the star.
- Maybe tomorrow we could go to
a nearby town and see a doctor?
No, no, no.
I smell a setup.
- I smell a pansy.
[laughter]
- Mwah. Mwah.
(Don) Blake de Troy,
everybody.
- [sighs]
He's not what I thought, Daddy.
[curious music]
Cheese of Nazareth, Blake.
Bulgarian cold press rosewater?
Camel milk?
Gin? No.
[sighs] I gotta get
your phone fixed too?
[gasps]
[suspenseful music]
- Well, look at you
all cute in your vest.
You here now?
- First day, Shoney.
I can't be having
personal talk right now.
- You ain't seen
my personal talk.
[gasps] What?
- [exhales] Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise.
Yeah, that's right over there.
That's right over there, ma'am.
[chuckles]
Please, I gotta keep this one.
- Just shopping over here.
Mm, this looks good.
- Yeah, don't it?
[chuckles]
- Oops!
[chuckles]
Hey, Paul, you better
treat that boy right,
'cause I'm gonna treat him
all kinds of wrong.
[car engine starting]
(singer) Deer crossing,
look both ways
Deer crossing,
deer crossing
Deer crossing, Hollywood
Deer crossing,
deer crossing
[siren fading]
[tense music]
- Oh, where's
your stash, Daddy?
[groans] Oh, God.
[groaning]
Oh.
Oh.
[sighs]
[muttering indistinctly]
[gasps] That works.
[sighs] Hmm.
Mm.
[sighs]
[engine humming]
- Dang it.
[sighs]
- Well, Ms. Funk.
- Ms. Funk.
- You see anything funny
down the road there?
- Funny?
- Well, for starters,
a chomped-up body
in a suit washed ashore
a quarter mile down.
Airboater thought he saw
the top of a car sinking.
- Hmm.
Did you go check?
- I'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
Just waiting for some gators
to go for a swim.
I ask the questions here,
ma'am.
- Well, I didn't see nothing.
[car horn honks]
- Quite jittery there,
ain't ya?
- No.
- Sure.
Could be an accident.
But when things go cuckoo
in this town,
I got my usual suspects.
- Can I go now?
- You know where you can go.
[engine humming]
[pensive music]
- Daddy, what'd I do?
What'd I do, Daddy?
[sighs]
Blake!
- Did you get my gin?
- No!
(Blake) [whining] Please.
I have just two
harmless daily drinks
four times a day.
- [gasps]
(Blake) We need cigarettes.
- Those were Daddy's.
- Hmm. A little expired.
- Blake, what did
you do to my house?
- I need a drink.
You're torturing me.
- You are a bad houseguest.
- No gin, shitty cigarettes,
my prescription pills
down by some swamp.
I can't find
the espresso machine.
- Prescription?
With your name on the bottle?
- Yes.
Can I get my "People" mag?
- I gotta go back.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
- Oh, get me gin.
I'll be your Blakey Blake,
karaoke, whatever you want.
And my phone!
Mm.
[mysterious music]
(Antoinette) [sighs]
I gotta find those pills.
[gasps]
[panting]
I feel like I'm getting
into trouble again, Daddy.
- [groaning]
[melodramatic music]
Get up! Get out of here!
[groaning]
Ah!
[snoring]
- [sighs] What the heck
is micro water, Blake?
- [gasps] That poor elephant.
You're an evil woman!
Can I get a selfie?
[camera shutter snaps]
[mysterious music]
- [sighs]
- Ant?
- No.
- Sure sounds it.
- Dang it!
Dan. [chuckles]
- What you doing, Ant?
- Just looking
for the micro water.
- Oh, all right, well, uh...
[clears throat]
That there's tequila.
"Grandy," not micro.
- So, uh, you're working
here now, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, ever since I quit
the pyramid scheme thing.
Turns out it was
a pyramid scheme.
Is that your basket?
(Antoinette) It is.
- What you doing with tofu?
[laughs]
You gone all libtard?
- Just trying to be
healthier, that's all.
Replacing the Cheez Whiz out
of my Friday night special.
- No, not the Cheez Whiz.
- Cheez Whiz has calories.
- Oh, but it's the Cheez Whiz.
You can't skip out
on the Cheez Whiz.
- Well, I'm gonna, with tofu.
Bye-bye, Cheez Whiz.
- Tofu ain't ever gonna
replace the Cheez Whiz.
I mean, it ain't your Friday
night special without the Whiz.
- You broke my heart, Dan.
- I didn't do anything.
- I saw you earlier with her.
- [scoffs] Shoney just
comes buzzing around here.
I pay her no mind.
I told you, she's lying.
- She don't have
no reason to lie.
- She's got
a buttload of reasons to,
starting with
she's jealous of you.
[sighs] I know you had to make
room for your daddy, all right?
And he didn't much like me.
- Well, he didn't
much like anybody.
- But he's gone now, Ant.
And--and--and I am sorry
for your loss.
I came to check on you
a few times.
- I know.
- You didn't answer the door.
Sent you a get well card too.
- I didn't get it.
- Yeah, I forgot the stamp.
It came back. That's on me.
But then I thought, well, heck,
that's how that works.
I'll put you as a return
address and save a stamp.
Turns out they're on to that,
the U.S. Postal Service.
And it came back again.
- I think it's best for both
of us if I shop at the Big Lots
from now on.
I wish you well.
- Well, wait, no, no, no, no.
Come on. That's an hour drive.
Stop this.
I--I know you're
lonely out there.
- Not no more.
- Not no more?
Well, okay. What that mean?
You got someone, or...?
- Sort of.
- Sort of?
[laughs]
What, y'all karaoke-ing?
[pensive music]
- Every night.
Excuse me.
- Wait, so since when
did you start drinking?
- [sighs]
Hmm.
Huh.
Hmm.
[door opens]
(Antoinette) Blake?
Where are you?
Oh. Hey, Blake.
What are you doing?
- Oh, just looking at myself.
(Antoinette)
Where's your hair?
- Yeah.
- I, uh, broke down and got
you a little something.
[upbeat music]
- [giggling]
I'm looking over
a four-leaf clover
That I overlooked before
One leaf is sunshine,
the second is rain
Third is the roses
that bloom in the lane
You see 'em?
No need explaining
It's somebody I adore
Ah!
I'm...
(both) Looking over
a four-leaf clover
- That I overlooked
(both)
That I overlooked
- That we overlooked
- That I looked overlooked
(both) Before
- Beginning
- Ah!
[sighs]
- [slurps]
[gulps]
I gave my whole self to a world
that wants nothing of me now.
Does anyone even
know I'm missing?
I mean, is anybody
looking for me?
Did I even make the news?
[sighs]
You like elephants, huh?
- Yeah.
- Do you wanna address
the elephant in the room?
- Which one?
- The one that you've...
[clicks tongue]
- Oh.
You saw my scrapbook, huh?
- It's a weird thing
to scrapbook.
- Well, he's dead.
I killed him.
Okay, no, he's not.
- He's alive?
- I rescued him from a circus.
I didn't realize how much
pain they went through
just for my entertainment.
- [sighs] So what'd you do?
- I snuck him away
to a sanctuary in Tennessee.
- Snuck him?
[laughs]
How do you sneak a--
- U-Haul.
Dan helped me.
[gasps]
It was a beautiful town.
- You confessed
to killing the thing.
Well, if the circus
knew he was alive,
they'll come looking for him.
But you can't tell anyone,
Blake.
You can't tell anyone, okay?
- I was scared
of you for nothing.
- You were scared of me?
- Well, I mean--
- Oh.
I guess I don't know
when to stop.
And neither do you.
How about take a break?
- No, I--oh, you know what?
Let's go stargazing.
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah!
I just gotta do a quick
drive around first.
[engine humming]
- What the hell, Blake?
[pensive music]
What were you doing?
- Hmm?
Let's go look at the stars.
Hmm?
- What's in your pockets?
- Uh, tissues.
Runny nose.
(Antoinette)
Take your hands out.
- Go ahead, check 'em.
Check 'em.
- No, open your fists.
(Blake) No. Ow.
[grunts] No.
(Antoinette) Yes!
- Give it to--give it to me.
- [grunts]
Drugs, Blake?
(Blake) I am a grown man.
- Where'd you even
get the money?
- I will pay you back.
- You stole from me?
(Blake) A few extra bucks
were sitting around...
- [scoffs]
- In the bottom
of your jewelry box
with a gold bracelet.
- My bracelet?
That was from my daddy.
Blake, you go back
and get that now!
- I would prefer not to.
- Blake, you go now!
- [grunting]
[pensive music]
[sirens whoop]
Shit!
- Shoot!
[sirens whoop]
(Blake) Go! Go! Go! Go!
[engine humming]
[paper crinkling]
Stars are out.
Stargazing.
How far is Epcot Center
from here?
It's good that you didn't
kill that elephant.
That's nice.
- I'm about to cloud up
and rain all over you
if you don't shut the fuck up.
- Okay, all right. Language.
I said sorry.
[scoffs]
Where are we going?
[pensive music]
- [sighs]
[engine humming]
Get out.
- Oh.
Are we going shopping?
- I know they say don't
meet your idols,
but Jesus Christ, Blake!
- Well, I am sorry
to disappoint you.
- Goodbye.
(Blake)
What, you're leaving me here?
First you kidnapped me and--
- Kidnapped you?
I saved you!
- You tied me up.
You locked the door.
- If I'm a kidnapper,
I sure am bad at it.
Here. Got it fixed for you.
[sighs] Goodbye, Blake.
- I'm not ready to go back.
- That bracelet
meant something to me.
Friends don't steal.
They give.
- But we're not friends,
Antoinette.
Okay? We were never friends.
You're just a crazy-ass fan!
- [sighs]
[somber music]
(singers)
Tap, tap, meow, meow
Meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow
Tap, tap, meow, meow
Meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow
(ad announcer) All you need
is a tap-tap with Fresh...
- Hey, sir, are you all right?
- That's me.
(ad announcer) Just one
tap-tap neutralizes odors.
- Uh, that's a cat
taking a doodie, sir.
(ad announcer) Fresh Paw
will tap-tap odors away.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
- Here I am.
(Cuddles the Bear)
It's me, Cuddles.
- That's Cuddles the Bear.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Did you hear?
- That's not me?
(Dan) No. No, that's Cuddles.
He's soft and fluffy, sir.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Come cuddle with me.
- Does he wanna be
soft and fluffy anymore?
Does he offend
with his soft and fluffy?
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
- 'Cause maybe
that's just who he is.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Cuddle the softness.
- Right.
I never thought
of it like that.
(Cuddles the Bear)
Cuddle the freshness!
You'll be so happy to.
Cuddle fabric softener
dryer sheets.
- Really showing your wings
tonight, Florida.
(Cuddles the Bear) Whee!
Come give me a big, big hug.
[birds chirping]
[rooster crows]
[music playing on TV]
- [groans]
[indistinct TV chatter]
Hello.
(announcer)
"Open That Box"!
[upbeat music on TV]
(woman) It's America's
favorite new celebrity
game show with boxes.
Are you ready
to open that box?
Here's your host, Axl Malone.
(Axl) What up, bitches?
We got nine boxes with some
dope celebrities inside.
Pick a box and let's do this.
Madison and Eli are gonna be
playing for some dank shit.
[audience cheering]
- Aw, man.
Sir.
(Axl) Madison, since you're
our returning winner,
you get to go first.
- Sir, hey.
(Axl) Pick a box.
- Can I help you
find something?
(Madison) Three.
(Axl) Number three.
- Like somewhere else
to loiter or--
(Axl) Open that box!
[audience cheering]
It's makeup tutorial sensation
and activist Tyler Brandon
Hughes!
- He stole my fucking bit.
(Tyler) Watch out now.
- Well, I'm Dan,
if you need me, and I'll be--
I'll be--
(Axl) We gotta
get serious for a minute.
You bravely announced
your battle
with seasonal restless face
syndromalgia.
- [scoffs]
(Axl) Got over
10 million views.
- 10 fucking million?
- That's a lot of awareness.
- It is.
And it's been a journey.
But I will use
the shit out of it!
[laughter]
For awareness.
[pensive music]
- Dan, I do need your help.
Hello.
- I met your somebody, Ant.
You be good to her, Howie.
- Howie?
Dan, please take this man
back to the store.
- Really? You don't want him?
- You can go, Dan.
We're gonna make this work.
I just wanna talk.
- I think it's better
if we remained separate.
Hold on, Dan!
- No need, Dan.
Can I just please come in?
(Dan) So am I going or--
- Yeah, and you're
taking him with you!
[gasps]
Daddy's bracelet?
(Blake) I was a jerk.
I am really sorry,
but I do need you as a friend
and a karaoke partner.
[chuckles]
- [sighs]
[soft music]
- Okay.
That's okay.
- Wait a minute.
This isn't--did you steal this?
- I need to keep this
kidnapping going, Antoinette.
- I didn't nap nobody!
- It's the closest shot I got.
I make the news,
I become topical,
I get back on "Hollywood
Surprise," Antoinette.
Don't you want that for me?
- All new episodes?
- Yes, and all I need
is one video of you
holding me against my will.
- But that makes me
a kidnapper.
- That makes you a number one
fan and best friend.
- But I'm not a kidnapper!
- Oh, well--
- No one's keeping you here!
- Did you tell anyone
you found me?
- Sure--I guess.
I am not good at planning.
Well, I don't know.
I found you, and I had you
here in my house.
And that was sort of neat.
And then--oh, boy.
Did I kidnap ya?
Wait, no. No, no, no.
Wait, I couldn't have
kidnapped you because
I dropped you off at the store.
- Sorry, this fish was caught.
I'm in the bucket,
flipping around.
- I released you
into the water.
You came swimming on back.
- Mouth's been hooked.
- You unhook a hook.
Just simple
as a pair of pliers.
Doesn't hurt the fish at all.
Anybody knows that.
- I'm not gonna be able
to keep up with this analogy.
I have your crazy fan mail
to prove it.
- I was just
writing you letters.
I was lonely.
Oh, this is nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
I'm taking you
back to the store.
- [grunts] Why not
to the police station, huh?
Afraid to?
- Give me those keys, Blake.
- Yeah, you were hoping to just
drop me off at the store
and forget the fact
that you drugged me.
- I did not drug you!
Now, give me those keys!
- You certainly gave me
a lot of liquor!
- You gave yourself the liquor.
I want those keys, Blake.
- No.
- Hey! No!
[both grunting]
(Blake) Give me these now!
[grunting]
(Antoinette) Give that to me!
(Blake) Here!
Let go! Let go! Let go!
[clattering, Antoinette grunts]
[suspenseful music]
[whimpering]
Good throw.
Oh, shit.
[sighs]
[pensive music]
You okay, my dear?
Had quite the tumble.
Tripped on a rug, I think.
- Got knocked on the head
with a typewriter.
- I couldn't let you
do to me what
you did to that poor elephant.
- Stop gassing me.
No one kidnapped you.
(Blake)
I need your help, Antoinette.
If you love someone,
you have to hold them captive.
- Blake, if I did that,
I'd get tarred and feathered
all over again,
and go to jail this time.
- Why would my best friend
go to jail?
- 'Cause I'm a kidnapper!
- Okay, now say that again.
(Antoinette) Blake, you ain't
thinking this through.
Okay? Look.
Blake, get this off me.
- No.
(Antoinette) Now, Blake!
Come--I said now, Blake.
- [yelps]
- You're gonna wish you
never came back here!
[quirky music]
- [panting]
(Antoinette)
Put Daddy's gun down!
You don't even know
how to rack that thing.
[gun clicks]
Wha--
- Played a cowboy
in a tampon commercial.
- Okay, it's not loaded.
[gunshot]
- Whoa!
- God dang it, Blake!
Put that gun down!
- You look really angry
right now,
like you could kill
an elephant.
- Listen to me, Blake, okay?
Even if I went along
with your story, there's Dan.
And I know he's only got
one oar in the water,
but he'll connect the dots.
He dropped you off here.
You came back on your own.
- [sighs]
He kept his mouth shut
about the elephant.
He could keep it shut
about this.
I'd certainly hate to spill
the beans on either.
- Blake, you promised.
(Blake) It's a lot to ask.
That elephant's
stolen property.
Oh, I wish you'd never told me,
I do, but you did.
- That elephant is
in a safe space right now.
Please, Blake.
- Your secret's safe with me,
if you help me out.
- [sighs]
- Hmm?
One little video?
America, listen to me
carefully.
This is Blake de Troy.
I've been kidnapped!
Hmm. Hmm.
It's good.
- Hi.
I'm the kidnapper,
and I'm real.
And I'm gonna keep
kidnapping Blake de Troy
until he gets 10 likes.
- 10,000.
- 10--10,000 likes.
- Yes, so keep me in your
thoughts and prayers, America!
And, uh, like this post
if you wanna see me...
(both) Open That Box!
- Hmm.
Posted.
[chuckles] Hmm.
- [sighs]
Would you relax?
I was afraid
to show you these before
'cause I thought
you'd want them back.
Take 'em.
- Are these--
(Antoinette)
Your original pair.
[pensive music]
- [gasping]
Oh, Jimmy told me
that the housekeeper
threw them out.
(Antoinette)
I bought them off eBay.
[knocking on door]
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
(Shoney) Ant, open
this fucking door!
- Shoney!
- Where are you going?
(Shoney) I know you're
in there, you nut bog.
- [stammering]
[knocking continues]
(Shoney) Fine!
I'll let myself in.
[grunts] Ow!
[door thuds]
- [yelps]
(Shoney) Fuck! My shoulder.
- Oh!
[gun cocking]
- [whimpering]
(Shoney) God dang it!
- What's happening?
- Oh.
[gasps] I knew it!
Where is she?
- Who?
- Your kooky kidnapper.
She better have given
her heart to Jesus
'cause her ass is mine.
- Okay.
- I'll just use
the bathroom first.
(Blake)
This really isn't necessary.
- Why ain't you
tied up and shit?
- And who are you, may I ask?
[urinating]
(Shoney) Shoney Funk, the Funk
sister that ain't hitting noon
on the cuckoo clock.
- Oh, I can't anymore.
(Shoney) This new wallpaper?
[toilet flushes]
[tense music]
Where is she?
- I think this may all be
one big misunderstanding.
[knocking on door]
- Ant?
Once again,
you are an embarrassment
to the whole Funk family.
[knocking on door]
Open up, ant brain.
- I'm fine, really.
- Oh.
[siren chirps]
Goll dang it!
- We all need to take a breath.
- No. No, no, no.
Not authorized.
[engine turns over]
Not authorized!
You get the fuck out of my car!
- Move, Shoney!
- I'm gonna whup your ass
one way or another.
- Would you just move, please?
- No wonder Dan came
plucking my melon.
- He said he didn't.
- You're too plumb nutty
to keep him yourself!
I wish you would.
- Ladies!
Don't make me fire this!
- It's unloaded.
- Ain't no shells left!
- Last chance, Ant.
Get out of my fucking car!
Four!
- [gasps]
- Three!
- Put the gun down.
- Two!
- [gasping]
[gunshot, screams]
[engine revving]
[bone cracks]
[screams]
(Blake) Oh!
Ah!
Oh.
[whimpering] Oh!
- [breathing heavily]
[pensive music]
- [sighs]
I never fucked Dan, you bitch.
Jeez Louise.
I would have.
Now I really would have.
- Shoney?
Shoney!
She's dead.
- She's dead?
What, you killed her?
- No, she shot at me.
- I fired!
- You shot at her?
- I missed!
- I thought she was--
well, you shot your gun.
Wait, I thought it was--
I hit the gas!
- You--I--I didn't kill her!
I--I missed!
There--there's no gunshot!
No!
Any sane juror in the state
of Florida would--
oh, I'm fucked.
[funky ringtone playing]
- Hollywood.
I should take this.
Blake de Troy.
- De Troy, buddy,
it's Tom from "Open That Box."
- Hi, Tom.
- So kidnapped?
I like it.
Your video is getting traction.
- Okay.
- There's a TikTok trend
brewing.
The Gen Z'ers are having
fun lip-syncing to it.
It's so cute.
- Don't they care
I'm in danger?
- Nah, they're all sociopaths.
But I think "GMA"
might pick it up.
- "Good Morning, America"?
Am I back
on the Hollywood Surpri--
"Open That Box"?
- Can we get one more from you?
Like, really milk the trend.
Build up the likes.
Still be overdramatic.
Still be gay, just not too gay.
That's homophobic.
- Uh-huh.
- [laughs] People love it.
It's so bad.
Maybe show us the kidnapper?
Or maybe kill the kidnapper,
like, in a dramatic escape?
[unsettling music]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
That'd be too gruesome.
[chuckles]
But if it happens
to get to that,
imagine the turn that would be.
Hello, Netflix.
Just don't kill a cop
or any good guys.
We'd lose the middle man.
And the gays
can't be the villains.
They'd kill me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's tell this story,
Blake, huh?
Let's get it!
All right. Later, later.
Bye. Love you.
- [sighs]
- What is it?
- We have to get rid
of the body.
(Antoinette) What?
- Oh, yeah.
We killed a cop.
- She's my sister.
- She was no sister.
- [sighs]
Spaghetti.
Grab the keys to my truck.
- I said, I'm sorry!
- Who the hell throws keys
into a swamp?
- I panicked!
I can't drive anyway.
I was afraid
you were gonna leave.
- Right,
'cause you kidnapped me!
- This where we're dumping her?
Fine, throw her in.
Let's go. It's hot.
- Hand me that can.
[pensive music]
Help me spread this around.
- Wet noodles? That's gross.
I'm not doing that.
Uh, you finishing up there?
- [sighs] I can't do it, Blake.
She's my sister.
- Just dump her!
- [gasps]
- What in the Home Depot hell
am I doing in a garden wagon?
Canned spaghetti?
We used to use that
to feed the--
[alligator growls]
[thud, splash]
- Thank God you woke up
when you did.
- I'm covered
in marinara, you bitch.
My ankle's broke!
- Did you even think
to check her pulse?
- I don't know. Did you?
We both weren't quite
thinking straight at the time.
- Crazy-ass nut!
- Would you stop it
with the insults?
- Let's keep walking!
- When your ass is in jail,
I'm gonna be grinnin' bigger
than a possum eating--
- No, no more!
I need to get
in fucking makeup.
- What for?
- For what?
- Another video.
- Blake, we gotta get Shoney
to a hospital.
- Oh, now there's a hospital?
That is rich.
- We made your video!
(Blake) I need another.
- Blake, I did what you asked!
- I am going to be on
fucking "GMA"!
[curious music]
- Jesus.
- Jesus.
- Dan, what are you doing here?
- Dan.
(Dan) I wrote a song for you.
I got a lot that
I need to tell you.
And I'm better at singing it
than I am saying it.
But I'm also better singing
it prerecorded than live.
So I'm gonna lip this one
out for you, baby.
[R&B music playing]
Hey, Ant.
Ah.
It's me, Dan.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about you, baby.
Gosh darn it, I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I wanna tell you
what's on my heart.
[autotuned singing]
Roses are red
And plumbagos are blue
Flowers
My heart is moist when
it's just me and you
So good
You make me feel safe
and you do me no harm
Baby
Feel like a boy wrapped up
in his mommy's arms
So safe
When we kissing
and licking
There just ain't
no one else, yeah
You are my Antoinette,
cuter than a pygmy marmoset
But most importantly
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
Antoinette, ah
[beat boxing]
Come on!
I only wanna fuck you
And I'll fuck up whoever
Fucks you too!
Come on, big guy.
And you come get a piece of
this Chinese lunch food buffet!
- Don't, Dan!
(Dan) Come on, big boy.
- Oh!
(Dan) Whoa! Hey.
What the--
- Eh!
- Okay, let's watch it
with that thing.
- Not authorized.
- Man to man, Howie.
- No, he shot a lamp.
- Well, this lamp is on!
(Antoinette) Dan, don't.
Okay, Blake, please,
just put that thing down!
- Sir, put it down now.
Florida law.
You can't shoot anyone
without a permit.
- I got this, Shoney!
(Shoney) Oh, like you
got me in a dang wagon?
(Antoinette)
Oh, would you please stop?
- Let's go!
[gunshot, gasping]
- God, Dan!
- [groans]
(Antoinette) Dan!
- [screaming]
(Shoney) Dang!
- Owie.
(Antoinette) Oh, okay.
Okay, he got you
in the shoulder, not the heart.
- You got me there, lady.
[chuckles]
- Did I kill him?
He was coming at me.
I didn't mean to kill him!
(Antoinette)
You didn't kill him!
(Shoney)
You're still fucked, dude.
(Antoinette) Shoney!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Blake, stop!
Let's go inside
and make your video, okay?
- [sighs]
- Dan's gonna be fine.
- [choking]
- Let's just go
make your video.
[suspenseful music]
- [sniffing]
Is Dan gonna die?
- I'll go check on him.
- You'll grab the gun off
the porch and shoot me.
(Antoinette)
No, I wouldn't do that.
It's a double barrel anyway.
The two shots, you shot 'em.
It's empty. Let me go help Dan.
- But my video.
- I'll be fast. Huh?
- [sighs]
- Blake?
Can you hit Play on my tapes?
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
But come back?
- Of course.
(announcer) The stars are out
and really high.
Get ready, America.
It's time
for "Hollywood Surprise."
- I don't think
this is cocaine.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll miss them teeth.
(announcer) And here's
your host, Don Humphries.
(Don) Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome to
"Hollywood Surprise."
- [sniffing]
- Hey, Ant--Ant--
Ant, get my phone out
of the car and call the cops.
- It's a real mess, Dan.
- No, call the cops.
That boy ain't right.
He's like a caged animal.
There's no telling
what he could do.
[gunshot]
Hey, where are you--
Ant, Ant, stay out here.
Ant.
(Shoney) Ant!
Daddy's stash.
(Don) And our returning
champion, Janet.
(Janet) Hi, Don.
My name is Janet.
I'm from Pearl River,
New York.
I'm a stewardess.
I'd like to say hello to my
husband, Ted, who's at home.
Hi, Ted. I'll be home soon.
(Don) Thanks, Janet.
Welcome back.
Now let's see
what prizes we have
in store for our contestants.
Take it away.
(announcer)
You betcha, Don!
- [screams] Blake!
- Sorry.
It's not cocaine.
[TV chatter]
(announcer)
Watch the latest movies
with your very own LaserDisc
entertainment system.
- [snorting]
- Huh?
- [snorting]
(announcer)
Or make your own movie.
Capture all of life's special
moments in this VHS camcorder
by KnuckleSanic.
- Blake, drop the gun.
- I don't wanna.
(Antoinette) Please!
- I'm fucked.
- No, you're not!
- I'm over.
[somber music]
- No, you're not,
Blake de Troy.
Not to me. Not never.
I'm your number one fan.
That's never over.
I don't wanna lose you.
(Don) Wow, some nice things
to win there.
- Whether that's me going
or you going...
(Don) Here we go.
- I wanna keep
laughing with you, Blake.
- That's all
I ever wanted to do.
(Antoinette)
Right, so give me the gun,
'cause somebody's
gonna get hurt.
- Dan already did.
(Don) Get it wrong...
- I'm fucked.
- He's fine.
He's doing jumping jacks
out there right now.
Just give me the gun, Blake.
(Janet) Give me
that center surprise, Don.
(Don) That center surprise.
All right.
- Blake, give me the gun.
(Don) Let's open that box!
- [whimpering]
[upbeat music on TV]
(Don) Well, if it isn't
Blake de Troy, everybody.
[audience cheering]
- [sighs]
(Don) Okay, okay,
let's get to the question.
Are you ready, Blake?
Blake?
Blake?
- I'm ready, Don.
- This desert town
in the Coachella Valley
has the most pools per capita
in the United States.
What do you say, Blake?
- I'm not good
with geography, Don.
- That's funny.
I thought you got around.
- I can't remember
the next line.
(Don) Hmm.
Do you think he knows
the answer, Jimmy?
[pensive music]
- I hope so.
- Jimmy.
I don't know my line, Jimmy.
And I think I don't
wanna do this.
Let's go, Jimmy.
Let's go to Palm Springs.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm ready Jimmy.
I'm--
I'm ready to go.
(Don) Sounds like
Blake is saying Palm Springs.
- I'm gonna agree.
Palm Springs.
- Correct. Palm Springs it is.
Now, close up that box,
would you?
Bye-bye, Blake.
[TV crackling]
(Antoinette) He loves
And she loves
And they love
[fog machine hissing]
So why not
You love
And I love
Too
[gentle music]
Birds love
And bees love
And
Whispering trees love
And that's what we both
Should do
(Dan) Hey, Ant.
Ah, it's me, Dan.
Yeah, I've been thinking
about you, baby.
Gosh darn it, I miss you.
I miss you so much.
I wanna tell you
what's on my heart.
[clears throat] Check it out.
[autotuned singing]
Roses are red
And plumbagos are blue,
flowers
My heart is moist when it's
just me and you, so wet
You make me feel safe
and you do me no harm, baby
Feel like a boy wrapped up
in his mommy's arms, so safe
When we kissing
and licking
There just ain't
no one else, yeah, no one
You are my Antoinette,
cuter than a pygmy marmoset
But most importantly,
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
[beat boxing]
[R&B music]
Just to repeat,
I didn't fuck Shoney.
Fuck!
[beat boxing]
[coughing]
D-A-N and A-N-T
Not Shoney,
just you and me
I-- Just to repeat,
I didn't fuck Shoney
I only wanna fuck you
[somber music]