Lovesick (2014) Movie Script
1
We all go a little
crazy when we fall in love.
It's nothing new.
Take this hunter.
He finds a shiny rock and
figures he'll give it to his
girlfriend. The next day he's
leaving for a lion hunt,
and in his excitement, he
drops the rock on his way out.
The girlfriend finds it,
and she's all like,
"Who is this for?
Zog doesn't like shiny rocks."
Wait. That girl
Uba likes shiny rocks,
and Zog was totally asking
about her the other day
when we were
skinning that goat.
Uba. I can't believe it!
That stupid whore",
blah, blah, blah. You see
where it goes from there.
It's no different today.
It doesn't matter who
you are, nobody's safe.
You get a text message
from a significant other with
one exclamation point
when you expected
three exclamation points, and
the next thing you know you're
right off the cliff, descending
fast into crazy valley.
But then after the
misunderstanding is cleared up,
you bounce back. You realize
you were just acting silly,
and you get
back to being in love.
But there are some
people who are different.
The truly lovesick
get it much worse.
No!
For evidence I submit
my best friend, Charlie Darby.
Here he is a few months ago,
before he was
diagnosed a psychotic.
Back then he just thought
he was unlucky with women,
and stupid me, I believed him.
Looking back on it, I guess it
does seem a little farfetched
that Hannah Cartwright,
his eighth-grade girlfriend
gave him this, and then
left him the next day
for the kid from "Happy Days."
There was Michelle
from grad school:
"The only thing I love
more than coffee is you."
According to Charlie,
she forgot to mention
half the English faculty
at San Francisco State.
Which brings us to Jacinda.
Turned out not only was she
married, but her husband
was in prison in Sydney.
Bas Anderson.
String of armed robberies.
Ok, I'm sure I
seem like a moron
for not picking up on any of
his lunacy a little sooner.
At the time, I really
did just believe him.
Why wouldn't I?
He's my best friend.
He's the principal
of my school.
He's the godfather
to my beautiful daughter.
But if there's
one thing I've learned,
it's that all those things
can be true about a guy
and he can still be
completely and utterly
out of his mind.
You got any idea
what this stuff is worth?
You can't put a value
on it. My heart is in this box.
So, what... Like around $40?
Thank you for your donation.
What do you say?
Thank you,
Uncle Charlie. I love it.
Isn't that ironic?
I used to love the person
who gave that to me.
What's a mate?
A mate is someone
who says they love you,
but they really have
a boyfriend in prison.
Honey, why don't you go put that
with your other stuffed animals?
I'm trying to help her.
Charlie, that's a little
heavy for a five-year-old.
It's never too early
to start learning about
the dangers of love.
So, if Jacinda's
boyfriend makes parole,
I may need to live
with you guys for a while.
From now on, why don't you let
us pick out the women you date?
It'd be impossible
to do any worse.
Thanks for the offer,
but I am retiring from
that aspect of my life
effective immediately.
I got rid of every
remembrance of every woman
who ever broke my heart,
and I am now officially done.
Hey, I thought you had a date
meeting us at the wedding.
Well, I didn't say
I'm not gonna date.
I'm just not gonna let myself
fall in love in the near future,
or the distant future.
The future.
How do you date
and not fall in love?
You just date
the kind of people
you can never
fall in love with.
Hey. Hey, Bin Laden.
Bring me some more grape.
I don't
appreciate that.
Yeah? And I don't
appreciate you people hiding
bombs in your underwear.
Ugh.
I think that trout had
a load in its belly.
I'm gonna induce vomiting.
I don't know why you
won't call my friend Sue.
Is it because she has class?
I told you,
I am not interested.
This is exactly
why I brought a date,
so I wouldn't have people
fixing me up all night.
You didn't even
accomplish that.
All you did was put
the busboys in danger.
And the bridesmaids.
I think one lost a tooth
during the bouquet thing.
She really wanted it.
She's looking for love.
Maybe she should try the zoo.
Ok, look. Enough.
Obviously I didn't know enough
about her. I met her online.
Paranoid-racist.com?
Will you lay off, Roberta? Huh?
Come on. She marches
to her own beat.
Pardon me.
Yeah, fuck this clambake.
I don't need you.
I already got a cock.
Today's
announcements have been
coming to you from Rotterdam.
See you next Tuesday
when the good
ship Lincoln elementary
lands in the biggest port
in South America!
In the meantime,
greetings from Rotterdam.
Ik wens je een goede dag!
Come on, you can do this.
So, what are you doing tonight?
Do you want to, uh,
want to grab a beer?
Can't do it. Got me
a little date night.
So, just the two of you?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Ahoy.
Molly Kingston? I met you
at the hotel yesterday?
Right. "Love shack."
So this probably
requires some explanation.
Hey, um, you don't
happen to know the words
to "love shack", do you?
Actually, I do.
Sorry. Still confusing. Let's
go back a little further.
Ok... Great.
So, after Charlie
dropped off Roberta,
he headed back
into the elks lodge
past the wedding reception,
past a retirement party,
past a bar mitzvah,
and straight to the bar
where he promptly met
Molly Kingston.
Can I get a big
glass of whiskey?
Lead singer of Totally Awesome,
Southern California's
tenth best '80s cover band.
Turns out it was not
her finest hour either,
and she let him know it.
That bar mitzvah boy
told me I sucked.
But you know what?
He sucks, Ok?
I don't care if he became
a man today, he sucks.
If you hate your job so much,
maybe you should
do something else.
I just have to make
it through today.
And then I'm going to do
something with more dignity,
like strip.
We're back in two minutes.
I gotta run. Molly Kingston.
Charlie Darby.
Are you the Charlie Darby
who's the principal at Lincoln?
I am, yeah.
Do we have one of yours?
My nephew, Timmy Clark.
Ah. I love Timmy.
He's a great kid.
He worships you.
Hey, um, you don't happen
to know the words to
"Love Shack", do you?
Actually, I do. Uh...
So with that little connection,
that brings us back to...
Right. "Love Shack."
So, I took your advice
and I'm looking for a job.
Ah.
I hope this isn't
too forward, but, I-
I was wondering if
I can give you my resume?
Sure. No problem.
Did you just get
your credential?
Actually, you know,
I don't have my credential yet,
but I have my-my
substitute certification.
Oh, well, the subs are hired
at the district level.
We have nothing to do with that
at the individual schools.
But, we are happy
to pass it on for you.
Thank you.
So, uh, I guess I'd better run.
It was nice to see you,
captain.
What's wrong with you?
She's giving you her resume
because she wants
you to call her.
I told you, I have no
interest in a woman that I...
Might actually
be interested in.
Would you think about it?
Well educated.
Diverse interests.
Nancy Reagan award
for community service.
She sounds awful.
Hey, good luck.
- See you tomorrow.
- All right.
The key is just
for emergencies.
What you're doing is
breaking and entering.
What am I supposed to do?
Every time I knock,
you don't answer.
Have you seen
"When Harry ate Sally"?
Somehow I missed that one.
Well, let's watch it then.
It answers the age-old question,
can two friends
go down on each other
and still be friends
in the morning?
Why don't you
go home and watch it,
and tell me what
conclusion they come to?
I enjoy watching porn
more with somebody else.
And I'm gonna have to
ask for the key back.
That key is the conduit to
my greatest human connection.
I'm your greatest
human connection?
Do you even know my last name?
I don't see how
that's relevant.
You know, I don't get it.
We're both home,
the tube's on,
we're eating cereal.
What's the harm in us
doing it together?
Hello.
Hi.
You Ok?
You look a little pale.
Oh, that's Ok. I'm better now.
So, where are we
going to dinner?
I don't know.
You made the plans.
Oh, right.
Uh...
Let's start walking.
Maybe it'll come to me.
Ok, so, if you sub at my school,
you can't wear that dress.
There's no way
the kids could concentrate,
and our test scores
are low enough as it is.
That's what all this
is about, you know.
I'm just schmoozing you
to get subbing gigs.
Well, it's working.
Tomorrow morning I'm firing
the first teacher I see.
Actually, all these side
jobs are just ways so I can
make some extra money. I want
to open my own dance school.
Wow. That's fantastic.
And you do have
the perfect background.
Danced all over the world,
trained in ballet,
jazz, tap, hip-hop.
I studied your resume.
To be honest,
it confused me a little.
You were dancing
in Vienna last year,
and now you're in San Pedro?
Well, um, I came back
home to be near my family,
and I realized that I
really enjoy teaching.
Nothing wrong with teaching.
I will miss traveling though.
No doubt. Geez. Is there
any place you haven't been?
Thailand. That is the one place
I have always wanted to go.
Me too.
Really? You've always
wanted to go to Thailand?
Well, not always.
It started about
three seconds ago when
you said you wanted to go,
and I imagined
going there with you.
She's amazing. She loves kids.
She's smart, sexy, funny,
kind, creative, punctual,
an early riser,
likes tea, a Christmas baby.
Ok, I get it, man!
I knew your luck
would turn around.
The law of averages
and whatnot.
Incoming.
So, what happened?
We were playing kickball.
He was the pitcher...
I kicked the ball,
it bounced off a rock...
and on accident
it hit his face...
And while he did it,
when no one was looking...
All right, all right, all right.
I've heard enough.
Now listen.
Once and for all,
you guys need to understand
how much better it would be
if the two of you were friends.
Uh...
You both play baseball.
And not only that,
you could share all
of each other's stuff.
Matt, how many series 6 and 7
Lego mini figures do you have?
Seventeen.
- And Shane?
- Nine.
So if you pooled together
all those mini figures,
how many would you have?
Six?
Ok, here's another
benefit of being friends,
Shane can help
you with your math.
You forgot to carry the one.
So, do we have a deal?
No more nipple whipples?
- Ok.
- No more nipp-whips.
All right.
Wow. You are fabulous
with these kids.
Oh, thank you.
It's a labor of love.
So, this is a nice surprise.
Yeah. Timmy, um, forgot
his volcano and my sister's
stuck at the office, so
she asked me to bring it in.
He's a great kid.
It's too bad you're
destroying his education.
I am?
Because his principal cannot run
his school. He keeps wishing one
of his teachers would get sick
so he can call you in to sub.
There are other ways that
we could see each other.
Plant drugs on
the music teacher?
Or... you know, we could make
a date for tomorrow night.
That works too.
Can I take you to
my favorite little spot?
You may.
Attention, students
of Lincoln elementary.
Meet me in the cafeteria
in five minutes.
Free ice cream for everyone!
Except the diabetics.
You guys get a half day.
And down.
You said you were taking
me to your favorite restaurant.
I said my favorite spot,
which this is.
Is this...
Oh, God. Is this
supposed to be Thailand?
What do you think?
I- I think...
I've never seen anything
like it. How long did it...
I had to take a half
day off of work,
but don't worry about it.
I haven't taken a day off in,
like, nine years, so...
Muay ping?
It says she has
an early flight to Vegas
to visit her sick
grandmother. So what?
People's grandparents tend to
live in Florida, not Vegas.
Unless her grandmother
is Celine Dion.
You're only suspicious
because of all the things
that have happened in the past.
You got nothing to worry about.
Look, she even signed the
letter with a little heart.
That's not a heart,
that's a mushroom.
- It's not a mushroom.
- A boxing glove?
- It's not a boxing glove.
- A chef's hat?
That's probably her
own little salutation.
I bet she signs all of her
letters "chef's hat, Molly."
No, not all of her letters.
Just the ones where
she's blowing someone off.
A blow-off letter wouldn't have
a smiley face inside of the "o."
The lips turn down at the end.
That is a frowny face.
Charlie, come on.
Look, I don't know what
to think anymore.
I need some peace of mind.
Maybe I should just call her.
If you call her it's like
you're checking up on her.
What I should do is send
the grandmother a fruit basket.
Or maybe you shouldn't.
If I send grandma
a get-well-soon gift
and if by some miracle
Molly really is there,
then she'll call to thank me.
I guess it couldn't hurt
to send to send the
- suck-up fruit basket.
- Exactly!
What's better? Should I order
a lot of one kind of fruit,
or some kind of an assortment?
A thousand cantaloupes?
Cantaloupes? Or its sister
melon, the crenshaw?
Look. I'm joking, Ok? Send the
fruit basket, spend $50 tops.
- Ok.
- Don't over do it.
I won't, I won't. Thanks, Jay.
Hello. Today I'm going
to tell you why my three
American heroes are Abraham
Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther.
King Jr. and principal
Charles Winston Darby.
Am I gonna have to
take this away from you?
According to the good folks
at the sin city fruit barn,
the cantaloupes arrived
23 minutes ago.
Shh!
Stick it, Amy.
Hey. Stop obsessing over this!
I'm not obsessing.
Mrs. Finkelstein, I'm taking
Timmy down to the office.
He put his scissors
in the paste.
No, I didn't. You did!
Timmy, at this school we
do not blame others
for our mistakes. Let's go.
You used to be my hero.
So, what would
cause him to act out like that?
Sick grandparent perhaps?
No. All of his
grandparents are doing just fine.
Granny's not on her last legs?
- No.
- Is she still on solid foods?
Sorry, I'm-I'm not sure
what you're talking about.
No, I'm sorry. I'm just
grasping for something.
This is so atypical of Timmy.
I've never known him
to destroy school property.
Well, I didn't do anything!
Principal Darby stuck
the scissors in the paste!
And now you're lying to us.
You're out of the cub scouts.
Oh, I'm not sure
that's necessary.
But I
love the cub scouts!
He seems pretty emotional.
Are you sure nobody's dying?
Nobody in our family is dying!
Ok. Who can tell me the names
of the first three presidents?
Washington, Adams,
Jefferson. Easy!
Mr. Savoli, can I speak
to you for a second?
All right, uh, start
reading chapter two, kids.
I'll be right back.
So it turns out Molly
really did go to Vegas,
but not to visit
her grandmother.
- The old lady's in fine health.
- Really?
Yes. The family
confirmed that for me.
So I did a little digging
and I found out the truth.
She went to Vegas
to visit her boyfriend.
He's a musician. His band
is playing at the Hard Rock.
Ok, so, in retrospect, a
few follow-up questions
might have been
a good idea, like,
"what do you mean, the family
confirmed that for me?"
Or, "what's the
boyfriend's band?"
Or, "how did you find
this out exactly?"
Instead, I said this.
Shit. I'm so sorry, buddy.
She wouldn't return my
calls, so I texted her.
Told her I wasn't gonna
be some guy who just
kept her company while her
boyfriend was on the road.
How do I pick these women?
I'm an idiot.
Hey, hey, I would've been fooled
by some of these people too.
Like Michelle, I see her
at the gym, like, every day
and I think, man,
she doesn't look like
the kind of girl that would
run off with a rodeo clown.
Well, now I just seem like
an idiot, but think about it.
If your best friend told
you something like this,
your instinct
wouldn't be to question.
Your instinct would be to help.
So, don't be
so hard on yourself
for getting it
wrong about Molly.
I- I got good vibes
from her too.
Yeah, well, thanks, Jay.
Look, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm gonna go home early.
I got some trinkets
to get rid of.
Easy there, Philip.
Don't get in too deep until you
know what she's really about.
Rumor has it she's been
playing Xbox with Billy Suzuki.
Michelle? Jason?
What are you doing?
I asked Michelle
to come here with me
because this is something
you need to understand.
We just had a good
talk at the gym.
If this is about
getting back together,
I am definitely not interested.
Trust me, this is not about
us getting back together.
We thought
you should read this.
"The brain in love. The
neurochemical connection
between romantic love
and psychosis."
Nice topic. What does
that have to do with me?
- Let's just say you inspired it.
- You're calling me crazy?
Who's the one with
the clown fetish?
Charlie, did you ever
actually see buckey or thunder?
No. You know why?
Because women don't
usually introduce you
to the guy they're cheating
on you with, or his horse.
Just read this, Ok?
You need to understand that
when you fall in love, it
messes up your brain chemistry
and makes you delusional.
Now I'm delusional?
Michelle.
When people fall in
love, the brain undergoes
a transformation. Dopamine
levels are elevated
and serotonin levels are
diminished. That's normal.
But in a few cases,
particularly in subjects
with a rich imagination,
romantic disposition...
People like you, basically...
It's much, much worse.
And love renders them,
well, technically...
- Psychotic.
- I am not psychotic.
I loved you and you loved
a clown. End of story.
I'm sorry. The doctor
in me wants to help you,
but I just, I don't
have time for this.
Excuse me for being bitter,
but because of you I can't
- show my face in Montreal.
- There was no reality show!
Every time we went to Hollywood,
there were cameras everywhere.
- They're called tourists.
- They were Canadian cameramen
incognito. Think about it.
Canadians blend right in.
I tried explaining this to him
when I was writing my paper,
- and he was in denial then too.
- Ah.
Maybe you can
get through to him.
Thanks. We really
appreciate you coming by.
Clown humper.
No, Charlie, I'd actually say
she's the opposite of that,
whatever that might be.
All she did was seize
the opportunity
to come over here and cover
for her indiscretions.
Well, I seriously doubt that,
and I'm worried that
you might have gotten it
wrong about Molly too.
Molly? Molly's sleeping
with the bass player
in the band Dirty Little Secret.
That's crazy!
I know. The bass player.
Women never go
for the bass player.
No! No! It's all crazy!
Tell me everything you know.
Well, she met the band when she
danced in one of their videos.
And you know that for a fact?
Molly was a dancer
and the band made a video.
And?
Put two and two together.
Connect the dots!
What dots? I think
you're taking a giant leap!
It says on her Facebook page
that she's a fan of theirs.
I'm a fan of Huey Lewis!
I'm not sleeping with him!
Jason, read between the lines.
That's code to her girlfriends
to let them know
she's hooking up with him.
Hell, they even wrote a song
about Molly... "Hey, Lucinda."
I'm no songwriter,
but wouldn't they have called
a song about Molly "Hey, Molly"?
N-no, no, no. They never
use the real names.
"Long tall Sally" was
about a woman named Joan
who was actually short and fat.
But "short fat Joan"
didn't have a ring to it.
Trust me,
the song is about her.
"Lucinda walks like a lady
but cries like a baby"?
That describes Molly to a "t"!
G...
I- I didn't mean to startle you
by popping in like this, but
I think I left my phone here.
Holy shit.
It's no big deal. It was
strange at first, but then
I kind of liked being away from
calls and emails for a few days.
Can I help you look for it?
Oh... uh... I have a friend
over. We're in the middle
of talking. His wife threw
him out. He's an asshole.
Yikes. Well,
I'll wait here then?
Good idea. He's a little testy.
Uh, I'll be right back.
You forgot to ask her
how her orgy was.
Not now. I gotta
find that phone.
The roof. I'll bet
it's on the roof!
I got it.
I just gotta delete
my messages.
How many?
Nice.
No, not all of
these are from me.
Two are from her mother.
Hey. Sorry to take so long,
but Jason had another meltdown.
He's a mess of a human.
I hope he's Ok.
Oh, he'll bounce back.
He always does.
- That's good.
- Mmm.
So, um, quick thing. Hmm?
And this is-this is nuts,
but I won a trip to La Jolla
and I was gonna
use it this weekend.
I was wondering if
you'd like to come with me.
Wow. O... Ok.
S-sure. Absolutely.
Sounds good. Right on.
- I'll take that as a yes?
- Yeah.
- I'll see you Friday.
- Yeah.
This...
Is mind blowing.
Whoa! Easy there.
This is great news!
You were wrong about
your other girlfriends.
It wasn't you
versus some other dude,
it was you
versus your own mind.
So I'm not a loser with
women, but I'm nuts?
Either way I should
just pack it in.
No. Charlie.
You can do this.
You can fall in love
and not go crazy.
So when you think about it,
this is really a lot to take
in. It's like you're reading
your own autobiography
and suddenly you realize that
nine chapters were written
by a lunatic, and that
lunatic turned out to be you.
So, I told my Nana about you.
You did?
I was planning on telling her
anyway, but you didn't give me
a choice. The cantaloupes
filled up her entire basement.
What was up with that?
Been meaning to tell you, um,
there was a mishap at
the Sin City fruit barn.
They mixed my order up
with somebody else's.
Next thing you know,
I have a $3,000 charge
for cantaloupes!
This has gotten ugly.
Citibank's involved
and everything.
I mean, I figured it
was some kind of mistake.
You know? Only a lunatic would
send a thousand cantaloupes.
Exactly.
"Quilting." Q is 20 with a
double letter, plus eight is
28 with a triple word is 84,
plus the 50-point bonus is...
134. I'm kicking your ass.
Yeah, well, all that
is about to change.
"Zaxpult." 30, 31, 51.
Hold on. What's a zaxpult?
It's a small, flat shoe worn
by Mexican peasant boys.
You mean to tell me you've
never heard of a zaxpult?
- Cheater!
- Well, I wouldn't have to
cheat if you weren't some
kind of scrabble savant.
I need some
information, please,
handsome concierge.
And I would like to bury
my head in your bosom,
hotel guest.
And bury it you shall,
you silly boy.
I like the way you fill out
your uniform, Horatio.
- Oh!
- Hey.
"I like the way you fill out
your uniform, Horatio."
Uh, that's a note
I wrote to the concierge.
Why?
Uh, you know, they never
seem to get enough compliments.
Ok. Well, his name's
not Horatio, it's Bob.
You met him?
You can meet him too.
He's right downstairs.
Oh, I wouldn't
know what to say,
what, with him being
so handsome and all.
Sounds like you have
a crush on him.
No. No. I've never even
met big Bob the concierge.
Just admired him
from afar, unlike you,
who was blessed with
meeting him personally.
I wouldn't call it a blessing.
I mean, he rented bikes for us.
You two are going
for a bike ride?
Yeah, I'm going bike riding
with the concierge.
Fine. Then you won't mind if I
ask the maid to go for a swim.
I'm sorry.
Why are you acting so weird?
I'm sorry. I-I think
it's my blood sugar.
If I don't eat in a while,
I start to feel
a little, uh, strange.
Hmm. Wow. Go get yourself
a cookie. I'm gonna change.
Yeah, I'm just checking on my
bicycle reservations for today.
Charlie Darby.
You don't have
a reservation for me.
Well, eat me!
Oh, I'm listed under
Molly Kingston?
Wonderful. Thank you.
Don't eat me.
This is amazing.
You know who I think
would really enjoy this?
If you bring up the
concierge one more time,
- you're walking back.
- Point made.
Can we
pull over for a sec?
Can you grab us some waters?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Ok.
I'll, uh, be right back.
Great.
Hey.
You look great.
Ouch!
Oh, my God. Charlie!
Hey! Oh, my God. Are you Ok?
Yeah. I'm s-sorry.
Didn't mean to show off.
It looks like you
fell off the bike.
Yeah, to the naked eye, yeah,
but in actuality
I was performing a stunt.
Well, it was, uh, awesome.
This is Josh. We went
to high school together.
Oh. Were you guys fuckies?
Buddies? Were you guys buddies?
This is bleeding really bad.
You sure you're Ok?
Yeah.
Pretty nasty spill.
We should probably
get you to first aid.
Yeah. Come on.
Watch your step.
Easy.
Go on in there. Here.
Ooh!
Gimmie the foot. That's it.
All right, I'm right
behind you, Ok?
You-you're not coming?
Oh, don't I have to
deal with the bike?
Oh. Oh.
Josh could deal with the bike.
Sure, I'll take
care of the bike.
I can give you a lift
to first aid as well.
Ok.
Uh, you know what?
I'm all right.
I'm all right. I'll just, uh,
I'll use my shirt
as a tourniquet.
I don't
think that's a good idea.
Uh, if I bleed out,
I bleed out.
One thing you'll come to
learn about me is that I have
an incredibly high
tolerance for pain.
That's enough! You're the most
jealous person I've ever seen.
I mean, you'd rather die
than leave me alone with Josh.
I am not going to die.
Worst case scenario,
I end up in a coma.
I hate jealousy, Charlie.
So just relax.
I mean, obviously
I really like you,
or I wouldn't have
taken you away.
And for your information,
Josh and I were never fuckies.
Well, I wouldn't
blame you if you were.
Hell, I wouldn't mind
being his fuckie.
Molly,
all men are jealous.
Not like this. He was jealous
of me talking to the concierge.
I mean, really he acted
kind of weird all weekend.
See, I think because
Charlie's such a great guy,
you're expecting him to
be perfect, but he is not.
No one is, so stop
expecting him to be.
A big part of love
is acceptance.
Spoken like a woman who's
been married for ten years.
Exactly. You know, Will
does some shit that drives me
out of my mind. But I know that
he's a really great person.
So is Charlie.
Yeah. No, I guess you're right.
Molly, he's amazing.
He's smart,
he's funny, he's cute.
Honestly I think he's like
the most stable person
you have ever gone out with.
And I thought that
having self-awareness
would change things.
Man, was I wrong.
That's what
we call insight fallacy.
Just because a patient has
self-awareness about something
doesn't mean they can
automatically change it.
I mean, to a certain extent
it's out of your control.
It's like someone trying
to quit a drug addiction.
Yeah. Like with Horatio.
I wanted to walk away,
but I couldn't.
Of course not.
Let me ask you something.
And please don't
answer in any detail.
What were your first
experiences with girls like?
In a word, rejection.
I guess it all started when
I was like three and a half.
Ok, that's it. Look.
Clearly you're dealing with
some self-esteem issues,
and that's as much diagnosis
as I feel comfortable with.
Plus, you're my boss.
And I specialize
in 12 and under.
I respect that.
So... this is it.
- This one.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What do you think?
- I like it.
- Do you?
Yeah.
Oh, I can see it.
I see San Pedro's
most successful dance school.
Sorry.
Oh. Sorry, I have to grab this.
- Oh, sure.
- Excuse me.
Hello?
Hey.
Yeah.
Son of a bitch. Oh.
- What?
- It just hit me.
I totally forgot to bring back
any souvenirs from La Jolla.
Oh. How about you?
You bring back any doodads for
a special friend you may have?
No. Why?
Uh...
She smuggled back
a gift from La Jolla,
a sweatshirt for
a guy, a big guy.
- What big guy?
- I don't know.
At first I thought it was for
someone named Randy Hopper,
but I ran Molly's
family tree and it turns out
she and Hopper
are first cousins.
Unless they're kissing cousins.
I also thought about
big Bob, the concierge.
But it puzzles me why
she'd get something for him
when he gets a 30%
employee discount on clothing.
Charlie, I think it might be a
good idea for you to tell Molly
- about your condition.
- Oh, sure, great idea.
That wouldn't freak
her out or anything.
I don't know. I think, um,
I think it would be better
if she understood what you
were going through.
Look! I'm not even being
crazy here. I saw the shirt.
I felt its soft,
cottony fabric.
Why would she deny having it
unless it was for someone
she didn't want me
to know about?
It has to be for someone.
I can guarantee
I know who it's for.
It's a very sweet thing
you want to meet my dad.
Daddy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh. Ok, Ok. Ok.
That was quite some hug, son.
Well, there's more
where that came from.
- Huh. Hey, Mol.
- Hi.
All right, now what?
Oh, sorry.
I was going for the sandwich.
Ooh. Ooh. I just got a chill.
It's a little cold in here.
Oh. Let's see.
It's 83 degrees.
Well, I guess
it's just me then.
We Darbys are a
thin-blooded tribe.
Well, I'm roasting,
I mean, especially with
the fireplace going.
Yes, dear, but,
Charlie's our guest
and if he's cold, uh,
I can crank it up to 87.
Oh, that's awfully kind of you,
but perhaps you could provide
some immediate relief.
Might you have a sweatshirt
I could borrow?
I'll get you a sweater.
I'd prefer a sweatshirt.
If you have anything 50 poly,
50 cotton, battleship gray with
a cute slogan, that'd be nice.
Charlie.
Oh, sorry.
It's an allergy thing.
I can give you my snuggie.
I don't want a snuggie,
I want a sweatshirt.
Wow.
I'm... so sorry.
I didn't mean to fly off
the handle like that.
I- I think I'm just
a little anxious
meeting someone's parents
for the first time.
It could be a bit of
a tense situation.
Of course, I-I'll
get you a sweater.
Sweatshirt.
Are you Ok? You look
like you're sweating up a storm.
I'm a little warmer now.
Thank you.
Oh.
Uh, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just use the restroom.
I'm sorry. I don't know
why he's acting like this.
I'll tell you why.
Because he really likes you.
- That's why he's so nervous.
- You know,
I sweated up a storm when
I met your mother's parents.
Hmm, yeah.
Well, not nearly to the degree
that Charlie's sweating.
I have never seen anyone
sweat that much.
So, you guys actually like him.
Well, from a parent's
perspective, he's wonderful.
He's a gentleman,
he's got a good job,
and he's a real pillar
of our community.
It was my first
time meeting him.
Second time
we touch very little.
In a perfect world, not at all.
Ok, look. I'm sorry.
I think you're amazing.
I think this thing
between us is amazing.
But sometimes I want
it to work so badly that
I succumb to the pressure
and I act like an idiot.
Well...
I mean, you're a cute idiot.
Believe it or not,
my parents actually
like you, especially my dad.
Obviously. Or he wouldn't have
let me get to second base.
Oh. I-I know I'm
abusing my key privileges,
and you'll find a, uh,
charge on your cable bill
next month for
"Forrest Hump." It's valid.
W-wait, wait.
There's something
you can help me with.
Excellent. I am your
spiritual advisor.
Self-appointed, yes.
I'll put the coffee on.
Life is like a box of condoms.
So, have you ever been
diagnosed as being insane?
Diagnosed? No.
But it's safe to assume
you've had some sanity issues.
Very safe, yes.
Here's what I can't
figure out. How can you
differentiate between when
you're being crazy versus when
something crazy is
actually happening to you?
Brother, I-I wrestle with
that one every day of my life.
But I will say this.
Just because you're crazy
doesn't make you immune from
crazy things happening to you.
That's exactly
the way I see it!
What's going on? Let me in.
It's just that...
I think I'm competing
with another guy.
Well, I'm sure you're not
pulling that out of thin air.
W-what's your gut telling you?
My gut's telling me
that someone from her past
resurfaced when he heard
she was seeing someone new,
and got scared
he was gonna lose her.
Of course. It's a story as old
as time. Do you know who he is?
I wish I did!
Do you know anybody who
knows her past boyfriends?
Timmy?
Put down your trombone.
I need to talk to
you for a second.
I've been thinking about
the scissors incident,
and I realize now that it
was my fault, and I'm sorry.
Abraham Lincoln
wouldn't have done that.
- No, probably not.
- Definitely not!
Or else they wouldn't have
called him "Honest Abe."
So let me make it up to you.
How would you like to play
on the school soccer team?
I tried out, but I got cut.
Well, maybe I can whisper
in coach Nolan's ear
a little bit,
tell him you made a mistake.
You can do that?
I'm the principal.
I have tremendous power.
But if you want me
to do a favor for you,
you may have to do
a little favor for me.
Mmm... you want something
from my lunchbox?
No. No, that's Ok. It's
just that I'm sure you go
over to your aunt's house
from time to time, right?
Mm-hmm.
Have you ever noticed a
really large man over there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you remember his name?
Uh-uh. It was a weird name.
I think he was a doctor.
Really? W-what kind of doctor?
I think a famous kind.
What do you mean,
a famous kind?
I just remember my mom
saying that he was famous.
And I know he was a doctor
'cause they asked him
to take a look at my rash.
Maybe it's Dr. Seuss.
- He's dead.
- What about Dr. Jane Goodall?
- Sorry, but that's kind of hot.
- Only to you.
I was just thinking
outside the box.
Yeah, well,
stay within the box.
Think of logical people,
like Dr. Dre.
- Interesting.
- Molly's trained in hip-hop.
I know he's an extra-large.
The-the only thing that
doesn't make sense is,
Timmy's mother asked the guy
to look at his rash.
Would you ask Dr. Dre
to look at your kid's rash?
Well, I would,
but that's just me.
Let's put a pin in Dre.
- How about Dr. J?
- Same rash argument.
Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr.?
You're not helping.
Oh, no. Oh, my God, no. No! No!
What?
Dr. Oz!
America's doctor?
The kid said he had
an unusual name.
- What's more unusual than Mehmet?
- I have to be honest.
If I had a choice of lovers,
I'd take Dr. Oz over you.
Yeah, so would I.
I bet he's an animal.
I've noticed he wears
his scrubs baggy,
so it stands to reason he likes
his sweatshirts roomy as well.
That's what I read about.
He's been married
28 years. That makes sense.
He got married young.
Now he's rich and famous.
He's picking up women
left and right.
That's the vibe
I'm getting from him.
I bet they met at
one of his book signings
for one of his groundbreaking
high-fiber diet books.
You know, if I were you,
a- and let's be
perfectly clear, I'm not,
but I would just come
straight out and ask her,
"are you having an
affair with Mehmet Oz?"
I asked her if she brought
back a souvenir for anyone,
and she chose to deny it.
If she wanted to acknowledge
the presence of Oz,
that was her opportunity.
Well, just bring up his name
the next time you see her,
and if she has a reaction,
you'll be able to tell
if she's hiding something.
Just bring up his name?
Just bring up his name.
Mehmet.
Mehmet.
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, nothing. Sorry.
Mehmet.
I'm sorry. What are you saying?
- Mehmet?
- Mehmet.
Yes, as in...
Uh, Mehmet Oz?
Oh, my God.
Ok. My next question would be,
why are you
bringing up Mehmet Oz?
Because he's awesome
and I'm really into him.
- Good.
- Has he ever been in you?
Excuse me?
H-have you ever been in him?
Into him, a fan, so to speak?
I- I read one of his books,
"This gland is your gland."
- Can I borrow it?
- You're having hormonal issues?
No. No, I just always
wanted to read it.
Seriously, Charlie.
What is up with you?
Up with me?
Yeah, I mean, we always
end up on these weird
tangents like
sweatshirts or Dr. Oz.
I really, I don't want
to talk about Dr. Oz.
Oh, thirteen hour flight.
- Flight?
- Yeah, it's my brother
texting me with details
about this weekend.
I had a last-minute trip
to Tuscany pop up.
How does a last-minute
trip to Tuscany pop up?
You'd have to have your own
syndicated talk show to
afford something like that.
Well, my brother Harris
is pretty successful.
He was gonna go, but he can't,
so I'm gonna take
my grandmother instead.
Oh, just you and
granny under the Tuscan sun?
Yeah, we're staying in
this little B&B, Anima Mia.
It's gonna be beautiful.
Lucky you.
The most romantic
country in the world.
Mmm. Not with your grandmother.
Exactly.
Good morning.
I interrupt this quiz with
a very important announcement.
Each weekend
one special student
will get to take home
the official school flag.
And this weekend
the flag goes to...
Timothy Russell Clark!
Sweet!
Now come with me,
young patriot.
Thank you, Mr. Darby.
This is a real honor!
Now, I need you to
do something else.
I need you to call
your grandmother.
But I'm only allowed
to use it in emergencies.
This is an emergency.
I want you to ask her if
your Uncle Harris is rich
and if she's going
away this weekend.
Hi, grandma. It's Timmy.
Is uncle Harris rich, and are
you going away this weekend?
Uh-huh. Ok. I love you, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounded like
she's not going, but your
big ear was in the way.
No, that's what she said.
I need more info.
How would you feel
about wearing a wire?
Okay?
Congratulations. You're on
the soccer team. Here.
Yes, I would like tickets
to a Dr. Oz taping this week.
You're on hiatus?
Does that mean Dr. Oz
is vacationing in Europe?
You're not at liberty to say,
or you're covering
for an affair he's having? Oh!
Molly's sleeping with Mehmet Oz.
Mehmet Oz?
Oprah in on it too? M-maybe
they're having a three-way.
Ok, calm down. I'm fairly sure.
Molly's never had
sex with Oprah.
Charlie, listen to me.
Molly is not sleeping with Dr.
Oz.
You hear me?
She's not sleeping with Oz.
I guess that's possible.
None of this is without proof.
What proof do you have?
If you tell me the sweatshirt,
I am going to have to kill you.
Fine.
But it wasn't
in the father's closet.
Ok, so this is
where I should have taken him
straight to the hospital.
He clearly needs help.
I should have been like...
You went in
the father's closet?
Or even...
You went in
the father's closet?!
Instead, I just tried to listen
and talk some sense into him.
You went
in the father's closet?
Of course I went in
the father's closet!
I'm just trying to find
out the truth, Jason.
This is a great woman
we're talking about.
I have a right to know
who I'm up against.
Charlie, you always conjure up
some imaginary enemy,
some guy you think
you can't compete with.
Buckey the clown,
bas the convict,
the Black Eyed Peas!
The other times that
may have been true, yes,
but this time is different.
No! No, it's not!
Like always, this is you
telling yourself that you're
not good enough for her!
Sorry to keep interrupting,
but for the record, I'm making
some very good points here.
The problem is that when
you're alone and talking to a
crazy person, it doesn't
matter how good your
points are if
the other guy's insane.
And I-I'm not trying
to make excuses here.
Believe me, I-I know
I failed my best friend
when he needed me, and I
accept full responsibility
for the fiasco that
is about to unfold.
This is you telling yourself
that you're not
good enough for her!
Not true. I think I'm
plenty good enough for her.
S-sure, I'm not a heart surgeon
with my own brilliant TV show.
You're seeing a doctor, right?
Yeah, I-I like him
a lot. But going back,
there's no way you can tell me
that Molly is not going away
with another man, especially
when her grandmother
specifically said she
was not going out of town.
- How do you know that?
- Timmy.
Timmy? Your informant
is nine, Charlie!
He called her and I listened in.
Why would she lie to the kid?
Well, I-I guess it's possible
that Molly could be
going with another guy.
But even if that is the case,
there really isn't much
you can do about it.
Yeah, there is.
I can text her
and confront her about Oz.
N-no! No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't be without
my phone right now.
Oh, and you're staying
with me this weekend.
You're not gonna go
and do something stupid
like the last time.
I'll be back in a few.
Keep your shit together.
It's together! Stop worrying.
I am totally in control.
Hello?
Baby bird,
it's red rooster.
Huh?
It's principal Darby.
I'm using a code name
in case anyone's near you.
What do you have for me?
I heard there was
gonna be a proposal.
A proposal?
What are your sources,
baby bird?
I wrote down what mommy
and aunt Molly said.
A- are you sure you
wrote "proposal"?
No offense, but you're not
the world's best speller.
No, that's what I wrote.
Are you-are you positive?
I'm positive.
Hello?
Wha... oh.
- Uh, ciao.
- Ciao.
Have you seen this man?
Dottore Oz.
Il dottore d'America.
Oh, my God, you have seen him.
Uh, did you notice if
he was holding a ring?
A- a-a... what room is he in?
No.
Look, uh, he was with another
guest, Molly Kingston.
Ah, si,
signorina Molly Kingston.
Yeah, d-do you
know where she is?
Solo andate a vigneto.
Wha... wha... Wha...
Vigneto.
Oh, th-the vineyard?
They went to the vineyard?
Si. Romantico.
Oh... ciao!
Ah.
No!!!
Charlie?
Molly?
Oh, wow, wow, what, what a...
What a small world.
W-what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God, Charlie.
- Are you crazy?
- Yes, Molly. Yes, I am.
Surprising me like this?
You know, I am speechless.
I can't believe you came
all this way to surprise me.
Surprise!
Oh, my God, I am touched.
Genuinely touched.
Well...
Surprise, grandma!
Surprise!
Nana, this is the guy that
I was telling you about.
Hi. Uh, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you,
and thanks for all that melon.
Oh.
I'm Charlie.
I'm Molly's boyfriend.
Antonio, bebe's nurse.
I left Charlie
a message saying it was so
beautiful in Italy and
that I wished he was here.
And here he is.
Can you believe it?
It's wonderful.
I guess I sensed something
in your voice in the message.
I was hinting a little.
Yes, you were.
And I can pick up a hint
with the best of 'em.
You know, it's been
such a long day.
Why don't you take
the rest of it off.
Yeah, take tomorrow off, too.
Ciao. Thank you.
Yikes.
So, Nana wants to recreate
the moment where my gramps
proposed to her.
It was 70 years ago today,
right here in this vineyard.
I would like Charlie
to play my Harold.
Oh.
I would be honored
to play Harold.
Thank you.
Wow.
This is really coming together.
I just, I wish
that we could get
to the exact spot where
my gramps proposed to her,
but we can't get Nana's
wheelchair up there, so...
Oh. Where is the spot?
It's on top of that hill.
Molly, get the chair.
Charlie.
Well, here we are,
back at our hotel,
- my blushing bride bebe.
- Thanks, Charlie.
I think we can stop
with the recreation now.
Sure thing.
- Ah, buonasera.
- Uh...
Ah, signora, buonasera.
Come stai, signora? Bene.
Grazie e bene.
- Thanks for coming.
- Oh...
You know, I have to admit,
you've been acting
pretty strange lately
and I wasn't sure about us.
The fact that you
came all this way?
I don't know what to say.
Oh, please. It was nothing.
I loved meeting Nana.
I love everyone in your family.
Mmm... oh, uh,
speaking of family.
My sister asked me
to ask you not
to mention Nana's illness
in front of Timmy.
She's trying
to shield him from that.
Of course she is. I mean...
He's in this
weird phase lately.
First he acted up in art class,
And then yesterday
he called my mom,
he asked her if she
was going out of town
and-and if my brother's rich.
Your mom is his grandmother.
Your grandmother's
his great-grandmother.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
I'd better run.
This is so frustrating.
We're in this
totally romantic place
and I can't do
anything about it.
I have this Lacey
lingerie with me, but,
you know, I just, I have
to stay with my gram.
Hey, look,
I knew you were gonna
be with her when
I decided to come.
- It's Ok.
- Oh.
Nana!
I'm back.
I have this
Lacey lingerie with me.
A last-minute trip to Tuscany.
I guess it's possible
that Molly could be
going with another guy.
I think he was a doctor.
Antonio, bebe's nurse.
I bet he's an animal.
Hello?
Bebe? It's Charlie.
Can I talk to Molly?
She went out for some air.
- Bullshit.
- What?
Uh, nothing. Can you let me in?
Charlie?
Charlie.
Come on, Nana. Chop-chop!
Thanks. I didn't want to
leave you all alone, beebs.
It's Ok.
Molly said she'd be
back in a few minutes.
Oh, that's great.
Did she mention anything
about nurse Antonio?
Hmm. Oh, yes, this morning
she said he was a good nurse.
Oh. Did she say anything
to the effect of
Italian men make
the best lovers?
Hmm... not that I recall.
But I agree with that.
Why don't you, uh,
take a look at the view?
I don't see anything.
It's too dark.
Ooh, I think I see a cat.
I'm thirsty.
Suck it up, Nana.
"Suck it up, Nana"?
Charlie, what are you doing?
I'm, uh, playing
"suck it up, Nana."
Haven't you ever
heard of that game?
Very big in my family.
You Ok? What happened?
Charlie put me in the corner.
She was disruptive,
I gave her a time-out.
I don't, um, understand.
Why are you going
through my stuff?
Because...
Nana was cold. I'm just
trying to find her a wrap.
I never said I was cold.
You never said,
"I'm oh so cold.
Can you hook me up with a
wrap, sweet Charlie boy"?
No!
Oh-oh, lord, I think
senility has set in.
I think she can remember
what happened five minutes ago!
She remembered every word
of my grandfather's proposal,
which was 70 years ago.
Yeah, but she could've
made that stuff up.
You don't know.
You weren't there.
Charlie, enough!
We need to talk. Outside.
I'm starting to lose patience,
so tell me the truth.
What is going on here?
Ok, fine.
I don't understand why
I'm the one on trial here.
Do you expect me to believe you
actually went out for some air?
Of course I didn't. I
lied to my grandmother.
That's what I thought.
So why are you treating me
like I'm the guilty one?
Especially when you
brought lingerie with you
when you had no idea
I was even coming.
I bought it this morning.
I was bringing it home
to wear for you.
Really? Well, then why
isn't it in your suitcase?
Because I just wore it
up to your room.
Oh.
My bad.
Please leave.
Honey, you sure you don't want
to just forget about all this
and get ready for Florence
tomorrow? I'll push the chair.
Wait. Wait.
Ok, look. There's something
you need to know about me.
I've been afraid
to tell you this...
But I'm...
Insane.
You think?
Not all the time.
Just when I fall in love.
It's a real psychological
condition. I'm psychotic.
Y-you're really
helping your case here?
But I can beat it.
Yeah, I can tell.
You know, when I saw you
standing in the vineyard,
at first I thought,
"did he follow me here?"
But I thought,
"who would be crazy enough
to come all the way to Italy
just to check up on me?"
No, it wasn't just
to check up on you.
Charlie, th-this is over.
Please just respect that.
Oh, I think you're
being impulsive here.
Ok, bebe, tell her she's
being impulsive and to...
Give me another chance.
Greetings from Thailand.
Off the port bow
you'll see the gorgeous
island of Ko samui.
Its scenic beaches have made it
a popular honeymoon destination.
Your principal back in San Pedro
very much wanted
to visit it someday.
But that's Ok.
The good ship
Lincoln Elementarysails on...
Into the vast,
dark...
Cold emptiness.
And that's how
I soothe my constipation.
Polenta. Fascinating.
Oh, you know what?
I'll be right back.
First I couldn't shit,
now I can't stop shitting.
Life, huh?
Charlie,
you can't live like this.
She's nasty,
vile, bowl-obsessed.
What are my choices? Huh?
I can't fall in love.
That doesn't work.
So it's either be alone
or be with people
that I feel absolutely
nothing for.
I'd rather be alone
than be with her.
I'd rather be on fire.
I...
- I-I talked to Michelle.
- Oh, no.
No, don't worry. It's fine.
I asked her if there
was anything she thought
you could do, and she said
that none of your ex's
that she interviewed
were sympathetic until
they fully understood the
magnitude of your problem.
So maybe if Molly,
you know, had
a sense of what...
Please don't bring up Molly.
I can't relive
what I've been through.
My life may not be
perfect right now,
or actually really,
really far from perfect,
but I'd rather be numb
than be hurting.
False alarm.
Nothing but air.
I took 40 bucks
from your dresser.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Anyone want more cereal?
Yo.
Whew!
Oh, that lieutenant Dan
is some kind of lover.
Cap'n Crunch?
Hit on me again,
and I'll snap off
your cock and use it
to stir my drink.
If you're trying to turn me on,
mission accomplished.
I have half a mind
to clean your pipes.
Oh.
Michelle, it's Charlie.
Listen.
I need your help.
My God. Is that Charlie?
Yes. His friend
asked me to bring you here,
said there was
something you needed to hear.
Hi. I know this is weird,
but this will all be
very clear in a few minutes.
We couldn't fully
explain what happened
without, uh, a little
help from some friends.
Thank you.
Molly.
Th-these are my...
Ex-girlfriends.
This is the most uncomfortable
moment of my life.
And another time,
I took my little sister
camping for the weekend,
and Charlie insisted
that I was off having
a conjugal visit.
I saw on "60 minutes"
that there's a website
where women met convicts.
Thinking you were one of those
women was where I went wrong.
It's Ok. I forgive you
for thinking
I was a prison whore.
Tanya. You're the only one
we haven't heard from.
So much shit.
Where do I begin?
Well, one day I had some
blue splotches on my jeans
that I got from my niece's
birthday at ColorMe Mine,
and Charlie thought
I was having an affair
with the Blue Man Group.
There were six blue
dots on her pants,
the exact number of
combined testicles
of the entire group.
Ok, you know, it's,
uh, it's getting late.
Uh, maybe it's
time for us to go home.
Th-this was incredibly
kind of all of you.
Again, a million apologies.
Good luck.
Thanks. Thank you.
Good night.
Wow. That was, uh,
that was eye-opening,
to say the least.
I totally get it now.
And it all made
sense at the time,
just like Dr. Oz.
Where did you even
come up with that?
Your nephew said you
dated a famous doctor.
I dated a Finnish
doctor, Nels Jarvey.
He's a podiatrist.
So, I was close.
It was-it was really
nice seeing you.
Y-you know I wish you
only the best.
Oh, but w-wait.
I- I thought you
understood all this.
I do, an-and, you know,
I can't imagine how hard
all of this has been for you.
But your condition's
like a real thing.
Sorry, I must...
Sound like an awful person.
Molly, please don't...
Apologize.
It was my fault.
Of course it wasn't.
You couldn't help it.
Goodbye.
Hang in there, mate.
So, how's Charlie?
Nana, you know Charlie
and I aren't together anymore.
Well, I thought you
saw him at dinner.
I did, but...
That was just...
it was a one-time thing.
I like him.
You do?
We were married briefly,
you know.
Nana, you should know,
Charlie followed us to Italy.
Yeah, I knew it
the first moment I saw him.
And it didn't bother you?
Not really. You should've seen
some of the stuff I did when
pop-pop and I were courting.
I accused him of having
an affair with one
of the other riveters.
And what did pop-pop do?
What do you think he did?
You're sitting here
now, aren't you?
Good morning.
Welcome to the spring concert.
First, before we get started,
let me introduce our
band teacher, Mr. Thorpe.
Hello, Lincoln elementary.
Welcome to the spring concert.
I am your band director.
Are you Ok?
Yeah.
Do you still want me
to wear that wire?
No. Thank you, Timmy.
That's all right.
Have a good show.
Molly.
Hey.
It's... Good to see you.
Uh, Timmy will be
really happy you came.
I didn't come to see Timmy.
Who did you come to see?
Please say me.
Look, you know,
I-I was thinking.
If criminals can plead insanity,
then why shouldn't you?
A- all you did was...
Fall in love with you.
Right.
I want to kiss you
so badly right now.
So, what's the problem?
School has so many rules about
public displays of affection.
I... ah, screw it.
I'll give myself detention.
Remember her?
She saw one stray, shiny rock
and thought her boyfriend Zog
was getting it on with Uba.
Well, it got a lot worse
before it got better.
Until, luckily,
she found the help she needed.
But more important,
her relationship with
zog turned a corner.
And as she developed
a deeper bond with him,
she started going back
to her old self.
And everything worked out
for her and Zog
and their thousands
of descendants.
Same thing with Charlie.
He got some help too.
She explained that
for someone like him,
the first stages of love
can feel like this,
which is really no way to live.
But she also said
that as Molly and.
Charlie's relationship
evolves over time,
Charlie's symptoms
should diminish
so that love will start
to feel more like this.
Quiet, warm, steady
and beautiful.
And the best part is,
they'll never get bored
because Charlie's condition
will never completely go away.
He'll always be
just crazy enough
to keep things interesting.
We all go a little
crazy when we fall in love.
It's nothing new.
Take this hunter.
He finds a shiny rock and
figures he'll give it to his
girlfriend. The next day he's
leaving for a lion hunt,
and in his excitement, he
drops the rock on his way out.
The girlfriend finds it,
and she's all like,
"Who is this for?
Zog doesn't like shiny rocks."
Wait. That girl
Uba likes shiny rocks,
and Zog was totally asking
about her the other day
when we were
skinning that goat.
Uba. I can't believe it!
That stupid whore",
blah, blah, blah. You see
where it goes from there.
It's no different today.
It doesn't matter who
you are, nobody's safe.
You get a text message
from a significant other with
one exclamation point
when you expected
three exclamation points, and
the next thing you know you're
right off the cliff, descending
fast into crazy valley.
But then after the
misunderstanding is cleared up,
you bounce back. You realize
you were just acting silly,
and you get
back to being in love.
But there are some
people who are different.
The truly lovesick
get it much worse.
No!
For evidence I submit
my best friend, Charlie Darby.
Here he is a few months ago,
before he was
diagnosed a psychotic.
Back then he just thought
he was unlucky with women,
and stupid me, I believed him.
Looking back on it, I guess it
does seem a little farfetched
that Hannah Cartwright,
his eighth-grade girlfriend
gave him this, and then
left him the next day
for the kid from "Happy Days."
There was Michelle
from grad school:
"The only thing I love
more than coffee is you."
According to Charlie,
she forgot to mention
half the English faculty
at San Francisco State.
Which brings us to Jacinda.
Turned out not only was she
married, but her husband
was in prison in Sydney.
Bas Anderson.
String of armed robberies.
Ok, I'm sure I
seem like a moron
for not picking up on any of
his lunacy a little sooner.
At the time, I really
did just believe him.
Why wouldn't I?
He's my best friend.
He's the principal
of my school.
He's the godfather
to my beautiful daughter.
But if there's
one thing I've learned,
it's that all those things
can be true about a guy
and he can still be
completely and utterly
out of his mind.
You got any idea
what this stuff is worth?
You can't put a value
on it. My heart is in this box.
So, what... Like around $40?
Thank you for your donation.
What do you say?
Thank you,
Uncle Charlie. I love it.
Isn't that ironic?
I used to love the person
who gave that to me.
What's a mate?
A mate is someone
who says they love you,
but they really have
a boyfriend in prison.
Honey, why don't you go put that
with your other stuffed animals?
I'm trying to help her.
Charlie, that's a little
heavy for a five-year-old.
It's never too early
to start learning about
the dangers of love.
So, if Jacinda's
boyfriend makes parole,
I may need to live
with you guys for a while.
From now on, why don't you let
us pick out the women you date?
It'd be impossible
to do any worse.
Thanks for the offer,
but I am retiring from
that aspect of my life
effective immediately.
I got rid of every
remembrance of every woman
who ever broke my heart,
and I am now officially done.
Hey, I thought you had a date
meeting us at the wedding.
Well, I didn't say
I'm not gonna date.
I'm just not gonna let myself
fall in love in the near future,
or the distant future.
The future.
How do you date
and not fall in love?
You just date
the kind of people
you can never
fall in love with.
Hey. Hey, Bin Laden.
Bring me some more grape.
I don't
appreciate that.
Yeah? And I don't
appreciate you people hiding
bombs in your underwear.
Ugh.
I think that trout had
a load in its belly.
I'm gonna induce vomiting.
I don't know why you
won't call my friend Sue.
Is it because she has class?
I told you,
I am not interested.
This is exactly
why I brought a date,
so I wouldn't have people
fixing me up all night.
You didn't even
accomplish that.
All you did was put
the busboys in danger.
And the bridesmaids.
I think one lost a tooth
during the bouquet thing.
She really wanted it.
She's looking for love.
Maybe she should try the zoo.
Ok, look. Enough.
Obviously I didn't know enough
about her. I met her online.
Paranoid-racist.com?
Will you lay off, Roberta? Huh?
Come on. She marches
to her own beat.
Pardon me.
Yeah, fuck this clambake.
I don't need you.
I already got a cock.
Today's
announcements have been
coming to you from Rotterdam.
See you next Tuesday
when the good
ship Lincoln elementary
lands in the biggest port
in South America!
In the meantime,
greetings from Rotterdam.
Ik wens je een goede dag!
Come on, you can do this.
So, what are you doing tonight?
Do you want to, uh,
want to grab a beer?
Can't do it. Got me
a little date night.
So, just the two of you?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Ahoy.
Molly Kingston? I met you
at the hotel yesterday?
Right. "Love shack."
So this probably
requires some explanation.
Hey, um, you don't
happen to know the words
to "love shack", do you?
Actually, I do.
Sorry. Still confusing. Let's
go back a little further.
Ok... Great.
So, after Charlie
dropped off Roberta,
he headed back
into the elks lodge
past the wedding reception,
past a retirement party,
past a bar mitzvah,
and straight to the bar
where he promptly met
Molly Kingston.
Can I get a big
glass of whiskey?
Lead singer of Totally Awesome,
Southern California's
tenth best '80s cover band.
Turns out it was not
her finest hour either,
and she let him know it.
That bar mitzvah boy
told me I sucked.
But you know what?
He sucks, Ok?
I don't care if he became
a man today, he sucks.
If you hate your job so much,
maybe you should
do something else.
I just have to make
it through today.
And then I'm going to do
something with more dignity,
like strip.
We're back in two minutes.
I gotta run. Molly Kingston.
Charlie Darby.
Are you the Charlie Darby
who's the principal at Lincoln?
I am, yeah.
Do we have one of yours?
My nephew, Timmy Clark.
Ah. I love Timmy.
He's a great kid.
He worships you.
Hey, um, you don't happen
to know the words to
"Love Shack", do you?
Actually, I do. Uh...
So with that little connection,
that brings us back to...
Right. "Love Shack."
So, I took your advice
and I'm looking for a job.
Ah.
I hope this isn't
too forward, but, I-
I was wondering if
I can give you my resume?
Sure. No problem.
Did you just get
your credential?
Actually, you know,
I don't have my credential yet,
but I have my-my
substitute certification.
Oh, well, the subs are hired
at the district level.
We have nothing to do with that
at the individual schools.
But, we are happy
to pass it on for you.
Thank you.
So, uh, I guess I'd better run.
It was nice to see you,
captain.
What's wrong with you?
She's giving you her resume
because she wants
you to call her.
I told you, I have no
interest in a woman that I...
Might actually
be interested in.
Would you think about it?
Well educated.
Diverse interests.
Nancy Reagan award
for community service.
She sounds awful.
Hey, good luck.
- See you tomorrow.
- All right.
The key is just
for emergencies.
What you're doing is
breaking and entering.
What am I supposed to do?
Every time I knock,
you don't answer.
Have you seen
"When Harry ate Sally"?
Somehow I missed that one.
Well, let's watch it then.
It answers the age-old question,
can two friends
go down on each other
and still be friends
in the morning?
Why don't you
go home and watch it,
and tell me what
conclusion they come to?
I enjoy watching porn
more with somebody else.
And I'm gonna have to
ask for the key back.
That key is the conduit to
my greatest human connection.
I'm your greatest
human connection?
Do you even know my last name?
I don't see how
that's relevant.
You know, I don't get it.
We're both home,
the tube's on,
we're eating cereal.
What's the harm in us
doing it together?
Hello.
Hi.
You Ok?
You look a little pale.
Oh, that's Ok. I'm better now.
So, where are we
going to dinner?
I don't know.
You made the plans.
Oh, right.
Uh...
Let's start walking.
Maybe it'll come to me.
Ok, so, if you sub at my school,
you can't wear that dress.
There's no way
the kids could concentrate,
and our test scores
are low enough as it is.
That's what all this
is about, you know.
I'm just schmoozing you
to get subbing gigs.
Well, it's working.
Tomorrow morning I'm firing
the first teacher I see.
Actually, all these side
jobs are just ways so I can
make some extra money. I want
to open my own dance school.
Wow. That's fantastic.
And you do have
the perfect background.
Danced all over the world,
trained in ballet,
jazz, tap, hip-hop.
I studied your resume.
To be honest,
it confused me a little.
You were dancing
in Vienna last year,
and now you're in San Pedro?
Well, um, I came back
home to be near my family,
and I realized that I
really enjoy teaching.
Nothing wrong with teaching.
I will miss traveling though.
No doubt. Geez. Is there
any place you haven't been?
Thailand. That is the one place
I have always wanted to go.
Me too.
Really? You've always
wanted to go to Thailand?
Well, not always.
It started about
three seconds ago when
you said you wanted to go,
and I imagined
going there with you.
She's amazing. She loves kids.
She's smart, sexy, funny,
kind, creative, punctual,
an early riser,
likes tea, a Christmas baby.
Ok, I get it, man!
I knew your luck
would turn around.
The law of averages
and whatnot.
Incoming.
So, what happened?
We were playing kickball.
He was the pitcher...
I kicked the ball,
it bounced off a rock...
and on accident
it hit his face...
And while he did it,
when no one was looking...
All right, all right, all right.
I've heard enough.
Now listen.
Once and for all,
you guys need to understand
how much better it would be
if the two of you were friends.
Uh...
You both play baseball.
And not only that,
you could share all
of each other's stuff.
Matt, how many series 6 and 7
Lego mini figures do you have?
Seventeen.
- And Shane?
- Nine.
So if you pooled together
all those mini figures,
how many would you have?
Six?
Ok, here's another
benefit of being friends,
Shane can help
you with your math.
You forgot to carry the one.
So, do we have a deal?
No more nipple whipples?
- Ok.
- No more nipp-whips.
All right.
Wow. You are fabulous
with these kids.
Oh, thank you.
It's a labor of love.
So, this is a nice surprise.
Yeah. Timmy, um, forgot
his volcano and my sister's
stuck at the office, so
she asked me to bring it in.
He's a great kid.
It's too bad you're
destroying his education.
I am?
Because his principal cannot run
his school. He keeps wishing one
of his teachers would get sick
so he can call you in to sub.
There are other ways that
we could see each other.
Plant drugs on
the music teacher?
Or... you know, we could make
a date for tomorrow night.
That works too.
Can I take you to
my favorite little spot?
You may.
Attention, students
of Lincoln elementary.
Meet me in the cafeteria
in five minutes.
Free ice cream for everyone!
Except the diabetics.
You guys get a half day.
And down.
You said you were taking
me to your favorite restaurant.
I said my favorite spot,
which this is.
Is this...
Oh, God. Is this
supposed to be Thailand?
What do you think?
I- I think...
I've never seen anything
like it. How long did it...
I had to take a half
day off of work,
but don't worry about it.
I haven't taken a day off in,
like, nine years, so...
Muay ping?
It says she has
an early flight to Vegas
to visit her sick
grandmother. So what?
People's grandparents tend to
live in Florida, not Vegas.
Unless her grandmother
is Celine Dion.
You're only suspicious
because of all the things
that have happened in the past.
You got nothing to worry about.
Look, she even signed the
letter with a little heart.
That's not a heart,
that's a mushroom.
- It's not a mushroom.
- A boxing glove?
- It's not a boxing glove.
- A chef's hat?
That's probably her
own little salutation.
I bet she signs all of her
letters "chef's hat, Molly."
No, not all of her letters.
Just the ones where
she's blowing someone off.
A blow-off letter wouldn't have
a smiley face inside of the "o."
The lips turn down at the end.
That is a frowny face.
Charlie, come on.
Look, I don't know what
to think anymore.
I need some peace of mind.
Maybe I should just call her.
If you call her it's like
you're checking up on her.
What I should do is send
the grandmother a fruit basket.
Or maybe you shouldn't.
If I send grandma
a get-well-soon gift
and if by some miracle
Molly really is there,
then she'll call to thank me.
I guess it couldn't hurt
to send to send the
- suck-up fruit basket.
- Exactly!
What's better? Should I order
a lot of one kind of fruit,
or some kind of an assortment?
A thousand cantaloupes?
Cantaloupes? Or its sister
melon, the crenshaw?
Look. I'm joking, Ok? Send the
fruit basket, spend $50 tops.
- Ok.
- Don't over do it.
I won't, I won't. Thanks, Jay.
Hello. Today I'm going
to tell you why my three
American heroes are Abraham
Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther.
King Jr. and principal
Charles Winston Darby.
Am I gonna have to
take this away from you?
According to the good folks
at the sin city fruit barn,
the cantaloupes arrived
23 minutes ago.
Shh!
Stick it, Amy.
Hey. Stop obsessing over this!
I'm not obsessing.
Mrs. Finkelstein, I'm taking
Timmy down to the office.
He put his scissors
in the paste.
No, I didn't. You did!
Timmy, at this school we
do not blame others
for our mistakes. Let's go.
You used to be my hero.
So, what would
cause him to act out like that?
Sick grandparent perhaps?
No. All of his
grandparents are doing just fine.
Granny's not on her last legs?
- No.
- Is she still on solid foods?
Sorry, I'm-I'm not sure
what you're talking about.
No, I'm sorry. I'm just
grasping for something.
This is so atypical of Timmy.
I've never known him
to destroy school property.
Well, I didn't do anything!
Principal Darby stuck
the scissors in the paste!
And now you're lying to us.
You're out of the cub scouts.
Oh, I'm not sure
that's necessary.
But I
love the cub scouts!
He seems pretty emotional.
Are you sure nobody's dying?
Nobody in our family is dying!
Ok. Who can tell me the names
of the first three presidents?
Washington, Adams,
Jefferson. Easy!
Mr. Savoli, can I speak
to you for a second?
All right, uh, start
reading chapter two, kids.
I'll be right back.
So it turns out Molly
really did go to Vegas,
but not to visit
her grandmother.
- The old lady's in fine health.
- Really?
Yes. The family
confirmed that for me.
So I did a little digging
and I found out the truth.
She went to Vegas
to visit her boyfriend.
He's a musician. His band
is playing at the Hard Rock.
Ok, so, in retrospect, a
few follow-up questions
might have been
a good idea, like,
"what do you mean, the family
confirmed that for me?"
Or, "what's the
boyfriend's band?"
Or, "how did you find
this out exactly?"
Instead, I said this.
Shit. I'm so sorry, buddy.
She wouldn't return my
calls, so I texted her.
Told her I wasn't gonna
be some guy who just
kept her company while her
boyfriend was on the road.
How do I pick these women?
I'm an idiot.
Hey, hey, I would've been fooled
by some of these people too.
Like Michelle, I see her
at the gym, like, every day
and I think, man,
she doesn't look like
the kind of girl that would
run off with a rodeo clown.
Well, now I just seem like
an idiot, but think about it.
If your best friend told
you something like this,
your instinct
wouldn't be to question.
Your instinct would be to help.
So, don't be
so hard on yourself
for getting it
wrong about Molly.
I- I got good vibes
from her too.
Yeah, well, thanks, Jay.
Look, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm gonna go home early.
I got some trinkets
to get rid of.
Easy there, Philip.
Don't get in too deep until you
know what she's really about.
Rumor has it she's been
playing Xbox with Billy Suzuki.
Michelle? Jason?
What are you doing?
I asked Michelle
to come here with me
because this is something
you need to understand.
We just had a good
talk at the gym.
If this is about
getting back together,
I am definitely not interested.
Trust me, this is not about
us getting back together.
We thought
you should read this.
"The brain in love. The
neurochemical connection
between romantic love
and psychosis."
Nice topic. What does
that have to do with me?
- Let's just say you inspired it.
- You're calling me crazy?
Who's the one with
the clown fetish?
Charlie, did you ever
actually see buckey or thunder?
No. You know why?
Because women don't
usually introduce you
to the guy they're cheating
on you with, or his horse.
Just read this, Ok?
You need to understand that
when you fall in love, it
messes up your brain chemistry
and makes you delusional.
Now I'm delusional?
Michelle.
When people fall in
love, the brain undergoes
a transformation. Dopamine
levels are elevated
and serotonin levels are
diminished. That's normal.
But in a few cases,
particularly in subjects
with a rich imagination,
romantic disposition...
People like you, basically...
It's much, much worse.
And love renders them,
well, technically...
- Psychotic.
- I am not psychotic.
I loved you and you loved
a clown. End of story.
I'm sorry. The doctor
in me wants to help you,
but I just, I don't
have time for this.
Excuse me for being bitter,
but because of you I can't
- show my face in Montreal.
- There was no reality show!
Every time we went to Hollywood,
there were cameras everywhere.
- They're called tourists.
- They were Canadian cameramen
incognito. Think about it.
Canadians blend right in.
I tried explaining this to him
when I was writing my paper,
- and he was in denial then too.
- Ah.
Maybe you can
get through to him.
Thanks. We really
appreciate you coming by.
Clown humper.
No, Charlie, I'd actually say
she's the opposite of that,
whatever that might be.
All she did was seize
the opportunity
to come over here and cover
for her indiscretions.
Well, I seriously doubt that,
and I'm worried that
you might have gotten it
wrong about Molly too.
Molly? Molly's sleeping
with the bass player
in the band Dirty Little Secret.
That's crazy!
I know. The bass player.
Women never go
for the bass player.
No! No! It's all crazy!
Tell me everything you know.
Well, she met the band when she
danced in one of their videos.
And you know that for a fact?
Molly was a dancer
and the band made a video.
And?
Put two and two together.
Connect the dots!
What dots? I think
you're taking a giant leap!
It says on her Facebook page
that she's a fan of theirs.
I'm a fan of Huey Lewis!
I'm not sleeping with him!
Jason, read between the lines.
That's code to her girlfriends
to let them know
she's hooking up with him.
Hell, they even wrote a song
about Molly... "Hey, Lucinda."
I'm no songwriter,
but wouldn't they have called
a song about Molly "Hey, Molly"?
N-no, no, no. They never
use the real names.
"Long tall Sally" was
about a woman named Joan
who was actually short and fat.
But "short fat Joan"
didn't have a ring to it.
Trust me,
the song is about her.
"Lucinda walks like a lady
but cries like a baby"?
That describes Molly to a "t"!
G...
I- I didn't mean to startle you
by popping in like this, but
I think I left my phone here.
Holy shit.
It's no big deal. It was
strange at first, but then
I kind of liked being away from
calls and emails for a few days.
Can I help you look for it?
Oh... uh... I have a friend
over. We're in the middle
of talking. His wife threw
him out. He's an asshole.
Yikes. Well,
I'll wait here then?
Good idea. He's a little testy.
Uh, I'll be right back.
You forgot to ask her
how her orgy was.
Not now. I gotta
find that phone.
The roof. I'll bet
it's on the roof!
I got it.
I just gotta delete
my messages.
How many?
Nice.
No, not all of
these are from me.
Two are from her mother.
Hey. Sorry to take so long,
but Jason had another meltdown.
He's a mess of a human.
I hope he's Ok.
Oh, he'll bounce back.
He always does.
- That's good.
- Mmm.
So, um, quick thing. Hmm?
And this is-this is nuts,
but I won a trip to La Jolla
and I was gonna
use it this weekend.
I was wondering if
you'd like to come with me.
Wow. O... Ok.
S-sure. Absolutely.
Sounds good. Right on.
- I'll take that as a yes?
- Yeah.
- I'll see you Friday.
- Yeah.
This...
Is mind blowing.
Whoa! Easy there.
This is great news!
You were wrong about
your other girlfriends.
It wasn't you
versus some other dude,
it was you
versus your own mind.
So I'm not a loser with
women, but I'm nuts?
Either way I should
just pack it in.
No. Charlie.
You can do this.
You can fall in love
and not go crazy.
So when you think about it,
this is really a lot to take
in. It's like you're reading
your own autobiography
and suddenly you realize that
nine chapters were written
by a lunatic, and that
lunatic turned out to be you.
So, I told my Nana about you.
You did?
I was planning on telling her
anyway, but you didn't give me
a choice. The cantaloupes
filled up her entire basement.
What was up with that?
Been meaning to tell you, um,
there was a mishap at
the Sin City fruit barn.
They mixed my order up
with somebody else's.
Next thing you know,
I have a $3,000 charge
for cantaloupes!
This has gotten ugly.
Citibank's involved
and everything.
I mean, I figured it
was some kind of mistake.
You know? Only a lunatic would
send a thousand cantaloupes.
Exactly.
"Quilting." Q is 20 with a
double letter, plus eight is
28 with a triple word is 84,
plus the 50-point bonus is...
134. I'm kicking your ass.
Yeah, well, all that
is about to change.
"Zaxpult." 30, 31, 51.
Hold on. What's a zaxpult?
It's a small, flat shoe worn
by Mexican peasant boys.
You mean to tell me you've
never heard of a zaxpult?
- Cheater!
- Well, I wouldn't have to
cheat if you weren't some
kind of scrabble savant.
I need some
information, please,
handsome concierge.
And I would like to bury
my head in your bosom,
hotel guest.
And bury it you shall,
you silly boy.
I like the way you fill out
your uniform, Horatio.
- Oh!
- Hey.
"I like the way you fill out
your uniform, Horatio."
Uh, that's a note
I wrote to the concierge.
Why?
Uh, you know, they never
seem to get enough compliments.
Ok. Well, his name's
not Horatio, it's Bob.
You met him?
You can meet him too.
He's right downstairs.
Oh, I wouldn't
know what to say,
what, with him being
so handsome and all.
Sounds like you have
a crush on him.
No. No. I've never even
met big Bob the concierge.
Just admired him
from afar, unlike you,
who was blessed with
meeting him personally.
I wouldn't call it a blessing.
I mean, he rented bikes for us.
You two are going
for a bike ride?
Yeah, I'm going bike riding
with the concierge.
Fine. Then you won't mind if I
ask the maid to go for a swim.
I'm sorry.
Why are you acting so weird?
I'm sorry. I-I think
it's my blood sugar.
If I don't eat in a while,
I start to feel
a little, uh, strange.
Hmm. Wow. Go get yourself
a cookie. I'm gonna change.
Yeah, I'm just checking on my
bicycle reservations for today.
Charlie Darby.
You don't have
a reservation for me.
Well, eat me!
Oh, I'm listed under
Molly Kingston?
Wonderful. Thank you.
Don't eat me.
This is amazing.
You know who I think
would really enjoy this?
If you bring up the
concierge one more time,
- you're walking back.
- Point made.
Can we
pull over for a sec?
Can you grab us some waters?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Ok.
I'll, uh, be right back.
Great.
Hey.
You look great.
Ouch!
Oh, my God. Charlie!
Hey! Oh, my God. Are you Ok?
Yeah. I'm s-sorry.
Didn't mean to show off.
It looks like you
fell off the bike.
Yeah, to the naked eye, yeah,
but in actuality
I was performing a stunt.
Well, it was, uh, awesome.
This is Josh. We went
to high school together.
Oh. Were you guys fuckies?
Buddies? Were you guys buddies?
This is bleeding really bad.
You sure you're Ok?
Yeah.
Pretty nasty spill.
We should probably
get you to first aid.
Yeah. Come on.
Watch your step.
Easy.
Go on in there. Here.
Ooh!
Gimmie the foot. That's it.
All right, I'm right
behind you, Ok?
You-you're not coming?
Oh, don't I have to
deal with the bike?
Oh. Oh.
Josh could deal with the bike.
Sure, I'll take
care of the bike.
I can give you a lift
to first aid as well.
Ok.
Uh, you know what?
I'm all right.
I'm all right. I'll just, uh,
I'll use my shirt
as a tourniquet.
I don't
think that's a good idea.
Uh, if I bleed out,
I bleed out.
One thing you'll come to
learn about me is that I have
an incredibly high
tolerance for pain.
That's enough! You're the most
jealous person I've ever seen.
I mean, you'd rather die
than leave me alone with Josh.
I am not going to die.
Worst case scenario,
I end up in a coma.
I hate jealousy, Charlie.
So just relax.
I mean, obviously
I really like you,
or I wouldn't have
taken you away.
And for your information,
Josh and I were never fuckies.
Well, I wouldn't
blame you if you were.
Hell, I wouldn't mind
being his fuckie.
Molly,
all men are jealous.
Not like this. He was jealous
of me talking to the concierge.
I mean, really he acted
kind of weird all weekend.
See, I think because
Charlie's such a great guy,
you're expecting him to
be perfect, but he is not.
No one is, so stop
expecting him to be.
A big part of love
is acceptance.
Spoken like a woman who's
been married for ten years.
Exactly. You know, Will
does some shit that drives me
out of my mind. But I know that
he's a really great person.
So is Charlie.
Yeah. No, I guess you're right.
Molly, he's amazing.
He's smart,
he's funny, he's cute.
Honestly I think he's like
the most stable person
you have ever gone out with.
And I thought that
having self-awareness
would change things.
Man, was I wrong.
That's what
we call insight fallacy.
Just because a patient has
self-awareness about something
doesn't mean they can
automatically change it.
I mean, to a certain extent
it's out of your control.
It's like someone trying
to quit a drug addiction.
Yeah. Like with Horatio.
I wanted to walk away,
but I couldn't.
Of course not.
Let me ask you something.
And please don't
answer in any detail.
What were your first
experiences with girls like?
In a word, rejection.
I guess it all started when
I was like three and a half.
Ok, that's it. Look.
Clearly you're dealing with
some self-esteem issues,
and that's as much diagnosis
as I feel comfortable with.
Plus, you're my boss.
And I specialize
in 12 and under.
I respect that.
So... this is it.
- This one.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What do you think?
- I like it.
- Do you?
Yeah.
Oh, I can see it.
I see San Pedro's
most successful dance school.
Sorry.
Oh. Sorry, I have to grab this.
- Oh, sure.
- Excuse me.
Hello?
Hey.
Yeah.
Son of a bitch. Oh.
- What?
- It just hit me.
I totally forgot to bring back
any souvenirs from La Jolla.
Oh. How about you?
You bring back any doodads for
a special friend you may have?
No. Why?
Uh...
She smuggled back
a gift from La Jolla,
a sweatshirt for
a guy, a big guy.
- What big guy?
- I don't know.
At first I thought it was for
someone named Randy Hopper,
but I ran Molly's
family tree and it turns out
she and Hopper
are first cousins.
Unless they're kissing cousins.
I also thought about
big Bob, the concierge.
But it puzzles me why
she'd get something for him
when he gets a 30%
employee discount on clothing.
Charlie, I think it might be a
good idea for you to tell Molly
- about your condition.
- Oh, sure, great idea.
That wouldn't freak
her out or anything.
I don't know. I think, um,
I think it would be better
if she understood what you
were going through.
Look! I'm not even being
crazy here. I saw the shirt.
I felt its soft,
cottony fabric.
Why would she deny having it
unless it was for someone
she didn't want me
to know about?
It has to be for someone.
I can guarantee
I know who it's for.
It's a very sweet thing
you want to meet my dad.
Daddy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh. Ok, Ok. Ok.
That was quite some hug, son.
Well, there's more
where that came from.
- Huh. Hey, Mol.
- Hi.
All right, now what?
Oh, sorry.
I was going for the sandwich.
Ooh. Ooh. I just got a chill.
It's a little cold in here.
Oh. Let's see.
It's 83 degrees.
Well, I guess
it's just me then.
We Darbys are a
thin-blooded tribe.
Well, I'm roasting,
I mean, especially with
the fireplace going.
Yes, dear, but,
Charlie's our guest
and if he's cold, uh,
I can crank it up to 87.
Oh, that's awfully kind of you,
but perhaps you could provide
some immediate relief.
Might you have a sweatshirt
I could borrow?
I'll get you a sweater.
I'd prefer a sweatshirt.
If you have anything 50 poly,
50 cotton, battleship gray with
a cute slogan, that'd be nice.
Charlie.
Oh, sorry.
It's an allergy thing.
I can give you my snuggie.
I don't want a snuggie,
I want a sweatshirt.
Wow.
I'm... so sorry.
I didn't mean to fly off
the handle like that.
I- I think I'm just
a little anxious
meeting someone's parents
for the first time.
It could be a bit of
a tense situation.
Of course, I-I'll
get you a sweater.
Sweatshirt.
Are you Ok? You look
like you're sweating up a storm.
I'm a little warmer now.
Thank you.
Oh.
Uh, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just use the restroom.
I'm sorry. I don't know
why he's acting like this.
I'll tell you why.
Because he really likes you.
- That's why he's so nervous.
- You know,
I sweated up a storm when
I met your mother's parents.
Hmm, yeah.
Well, not nearly to the degree
that Charlie's sweating.
I have never seen anyone
sweat that much.
So, you guys actually like him.
Well, from a parent's
perspective, he's wonderful.
He's a gentleman,
he's got a good job,
and he's a real pillar
of our community.
It was my first
time meeting him.
Second time
we touch very little.
In a perfect world, not at all.
Ok, look. I'm sorry.
I think you're amazing.
I think this thing
between us is amazing.
But sometimes I want
it to work so badly that
I succumb to the pressure
and I act like an idiot.
Well...
I mean, you're a cute idiot.
Believe it or not,
my parents actually
like you, especially my dad.
Obviously. Or he wouldn't have
let me get to second base.
Oh. I-I know I'm
abusing my key privileges,
and you'll find a, uh,
charge on your cable bill
next month for
"Forrest Hump." It's valid.
W-wait, wait.
There's something
you can help me with.
Excellent. I am your
spiritual advisor.
Self-appointed, yes.
I'll put the coffee on.
Life is like a box of condoms.
So, have you ever been
diagnosed as being insane?
Diagnosed? No.
But it's safe to assume
you've had some sanity issues.
Very safe, yes.
Here's what I can't
figure out. How can you
differentiate between when
you're being crazy versus when
something crazy is
actually happening to you?
Brother, I-I wrestle with
that one every day of my life.
But I will say this.
Just because you're crazy
doesn't make you immune from
crazy things happening to you.
That's exactly
the way I see it!
What's going on? Let me in.
It's just that...
I think I'm competing
with another guy.
Well, I'm sure you're not
pulling that out of thin air.
W-what's your gut telling you?
My gut's telling me
that someone from her past
resurfaced when he heard
she was seeing someone new,
and got scared
he was gonna lose her.
Of course. It's a story as old
as time. Do you know who he is?
I wish I did!
Do you know anybody who
knows her past boyfriends?
Timmy?
Put down your trombone.
I need to talk to
you for a second.
I've been thinking about
the scissors incident,
and I realize now that it
was my fault, and I'm sorry.
Abraham Lincoln
wouldn't have done that.
- No, probably not.
- Definitely not!
Or else they wouldn't have
called him "Honest Abe."
So let me make it up to you.
How would you like to play
on the school soccer team?
I tried out, but I got cut.
Well, maybe I can whisper
in coach Nolan's ear
a little bit,
tell him you made a mistake.
You can do that?
I'm the principal.
I have tremendous power.
But if you want me
to do a favor for you,
you may have to do
a little favor for me.
Mmm... you want something
from my lunchbox?
No. No, that's Ok. It's
just that I'm sure you go
over to your aunt's house
from time to time, right?
Mm-hmm.
Have you ever noticed a
really large man over there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you remember his name?
Uh-uh. It was a weird name.
I think he was a doctor.
Really? W-what kind of doctor?
I think a famous kind.
What do you mean,
a famous kind?
I just remember my mom
saying that he was famous.
And I know he was a doctor
'cause they asked him
to take a look at my rash.
Maybe it's Dr. Seuss.
- He's dead.
- What about Dr. Jane Goodall?
- Sorry, but that's kind of hot.
- Only to you.
I was just thinking
outside the box.
Yeah, well,
stay within the box.
Think of logical people,
like Dr. Dre.
- Interesting.
- Molly's trained in hip-hop.
I know he's an extra-large.
The-the only thing that
doesn't make sense is,
Timmy's mother asked the guy
to look at his rash.
Would you ask Dr. Dre
to look at your kid's rash?
Well, I would,
but that's just me.
Let's put a pin in Dre.
- How about Dr. J?
- Same rash argument.
Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr.?
You're not helping.
Oh, no. Oh, my God, no. No! No!
What?
Dr. Oz!
America's doctor?
The kid said he had
an unusual name.
- What's more unusual than Mehmet?
- I have to be honest.
If I had a choice of lovers,
I'd take Dr. Oz over you.
Yeah, so would I.
I bet he's an animal.
I've noticed he wears
his scrubs baggy,
so it stands to reason he likes
his sweatshirts roomy as well.
That's what I read about.
He's been married
28 years. That makes sense.
He got married young.
Now he's rich and famous.
He's picking up women
left and right.
That's the vibe
I'm getting from him.
I bet they met at
one of his book signings
for one of his groundbreaking
high-fiber diet books.
You know, if I were you,
a- and let's be
perfectly clear, I'm not,
but I would just come
straight out and ask her,
"are you having an
affair with Mehmet Oz?"
I asked her if she brought
back a souvenir for anyone,
and she chose to deny it.
If she wanted to acknowledge
the presence of Oz,
that was her opportunity.
Well, just bring up his name
the next time you see her,
and if she has a reaction,
you'll be able to tell
if she's hiding something.
Just bring up his name?
Just bring up his name.
Mehmet.
Mehmet.
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, nothing. Sorry.
Mehmet.
I'm sorry. What are you saying?
- Mehmet?
- Mehmet.
Yes, as in...
Uh, Mehmet Oz?
Oh, my God.
Ok. My next question would be,
why are you
bringing up Mehmet Oz?
Because he's awesome
and I'm really into him.
- Good.
- Has he ever been in you?
Excuse me?
H-have you ever been in him?
Into him, a fan, so to speak?
I- I read one of his books,
"This gland is your gland."
- Can I borrow it?
- You're having hormonal issues?
No. No, I just always
wanted to read it.
Seriously, Charlie.
What is up with you?
Up with me?
Yeah, I mean, we always
end up on these weird
tangents like
sweatshirts or Dr. Oz.
I really, I don't want
to talk about Dr. Oz.
Oh, thirteen hour flight.
- Flight?
- Yeah, it's my brother
texting me with details
about this weekend.
I had a last-minute trip
to Tuscany pop up.
How does a last-minute
trip to Tuscany pop up?
You'd have to have your own
syndicated talk show to
afford something like that.
Well, my brother Harris
is pretty successful.
He was gonna go, but he can't,
so I'm gonna take
my grandmother instead.
Oh, just you and
granny under the Tuscan sun?
Yeah, we're staying in
this little B&B, Anima Mia.
It's gonna be beautiful.
Lucky you.
The most romantic
country in the world.
Mmm. Not with your grandmother.
Exactly.
Good morning.
I interrupt this quiz with
a very important announcement.
Each weekend
one special student
will get to take home
the official school flag.
And this weekend
the flag goes to...
Timothy Russell Clark!
Sweet!
Now come with me,
young patriot.
Thank you, Mr. Darby.
This is a real honor!
Now, I need you to
do something else.
I need you to call
your grandmother.
But I'm only allowed
to use it in emergencies.
This is an emergency.
I want you to ask her if
your Uncle Harris is rich
and if she's going
away this weekend.
Hi, grandma. It's Timmy.
Is uncle Harris rich, and are
you going away this weekend?
Uh-huh. Ok. I love you, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounded like
she's not going, but your
big ear was in the way.
No, that's what she said.
I need more info.
How would you feel
about wearing a wire?
Okay?
Congratulations. You're on
the soccer team. Here.
Yes, I would like tickets
to a Dr. Oz taping this week.
You're on hiatus?
Does that mean Dr. Oz
is vacationing in Europe?
You're not at liberty to say,
or you're covering
for an affair he's having? Oh!
Molly's sleeping with Mehmet Oz.
Mehmet Oz?
Oprah in on it too? M-maybe
they're having a three-way.
Ok, calm down. I'm fairly sure.
Molly's never had
sex with Oprah.
Charlie, listen to me.
Molly is not sleeping with Dr.
Oz.
You hear me?
She's not sleeping with Oz.
I guess that's possible.
None of this is without proof.
What proof do you have?
If you tell me the sweatshirt,
I am going to have to kill you.
Fine.
But it wasn't
in the father's closet.
Ok, so this is
where I should have taken him
straight to the hospital.
He clearly needs help.
I should have been like...
You went in
the father's closet?
Or even...
You went in
the father's closet?!
Instead, I just tried to listen
and talk some sense into him.
You went
in the father's closet?
Of course I went in
the father's closet!
I'm just trying to find
out the truth, Jason.
This is a great woman
we're talking about.
I have a right to know
who I'm up against.
Charlie, you always conjure up
some imaginary enemy,
some guy you think
you can't compete with.
Buckey the clown,
bas the convict,
the Black Eyed Peas!
The other times that
may have been true, yes,
but this time is different.
No! No, it's not!
Like always, this is you
telling yourself that you're
not good enough for her!
Sorry to keep interrupting,
but for the record, I'm making
some very good points here.
The problem is that when
you're alone and talking to a
crazy person, it doesn't
matter how good your
points are if
the other guy's insane.
And I-I'm not trying
to make excuses here.
Believe me, I-I know
I failed my best friend
when he needed me, and I
accept full responsibility
for the fiasco that
is about to unfold.
This is you telling yourself
that you're not
good enough for her!
Not true. I think I'm
plenty good enough for her.
S-sure, I'm not a heart surgeon
with my own brilliant TV show.
You're seeing a doctor, right?
Yeah, I-I like him
a lot. But going back,
there's no way you can tell me
that Molly is not going away
with another man, especially
when her grandmother
specifically said she
was not going out of town.
- How do you know that?
- Timmy.
Timmy? Your informant
is nine, Charlie!
He called her and I listened in.
Why would she lie to the kid?
Well, I-I guess it's possible
that Molly could be
going with another guy.
But even if that is the case,
there really isn't much
you can do about it.
Yeah, there is.
I can text her
and confront her about Oz.
N-no! No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't be without
my phone right now.
Oh, and you're staying
with me this weekend.
You're not gonna go
and do something stupid
like the last time.
I'll be back in a few.
Keep your shit together.
It's together! Stop worrying.
I am totally in control.
Hello?
Baby bird,
it's red rooster.
Huh?
It's principal Darby.
I'm using a code name
in case anyone's near you.
What do you have for me?
I heard there was
gonna be a proposal.
A proposal?
What are your sources,
baby bird?
I wrote down what mommy
and aunt Molly said.
A- are you sure you
wrote "proposal"?
No offense, but you're not
the world's best speller.
No, that's what I wrote.
Are you-are you positive?
I'm positive.
Hello?
Wha... oh.
- Uh, ciao.
- Ciao.
Have you seen this man?
Dottore Oz.
Il dottore d'America.
Oh, my God, you have seen him.
Uh, did you notice if
he was holding a ring?
A- a-a... what room is he in?
No.
Look, uh, he was with another
guest, Molly Kingston.
Ah, si,
signorina Molly Kingston.
Yeah, d-do you
know where she is?
Solo andate a vigneto.
Wha... wha... Wha...
Vigneto.
Oh, th-the vineyard?
They went to the vineyard?
Si. Romantico.
Oh... ciao!
Ah.
No!!!
Charlie?
Molly?
Oh, wow, wow, what, what a...
What a small world.
W-what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God, Charlie.
- Are you crazy?
- Yes, Molly. Yes, I am.
Surprising me like this?
You know, I am speechless.
I can't believe you came
all this way to surprise me.
Surprise!
Oh, my God, I am touched.
Genuinely touched.
Well...
Surprise, grandma!
Surprise!
Nana, this is the guy that
I was telling you about.
Hi. Uh, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you,
and thanks for all that melon.
Oh.
I'm Charlie.
I'm Molly's boyfriend.
Antonio, bebe's nurse.
I left Charlie
a message saying it was so
beautiful in Italy and
that I wished he was here.
And here he is.
Can you believe it?
It's wonderful.
I guess I sensed something
in your voice in the message.
I was hinting a little.
Yes, you were.
And I can pick up a hint
with the best of 'em.
You know, it's been
such a long day.
Why don't you take
the rest of it off.
Yeah, take tomorrow off, too.
Ciao. Thank you.
Yikes.
So, Nana wants to recreate
the moment where my gramps
proposed to her.
It was 70 years ago today,
right here in this vineyard.
I would like Charlie
to play my Harold.
Oh.
I would be honored
to play Harold.
Thank you.
Wow.
This is really coming together.
I just, I wish
that we could get
to the exact spot where
my gramps proposed to her,
but we can't get Nana's
wheelchair up there, so...
Oh. Where is the spot?
It's on top of that hill.
Molly, get the chair.
Charlie.
Well, here we are,
back at our hotel,
- my blushing bride bebe.
- Thanks, Charlie.
I think we can stop
with the recreation now.
Sure thing.
- Ah, buonasera.
- Uh...
Ah, signora, buonasera.
Come stai, signora? Bene.
Grazie e bene.
- Thanks for coming.
- Oh...
You know, I have to admit,
you've been acting
pretty strange lately
and I wasn't sure about us.
The fact that you
came all this way?
I don't know what to say.
Oh, please. It was nothing.
I loved meeting Nana.
I love everyone in your family.
Mmm... oh, uh,
speaking of family.
My sister asked me
to ask you not
to mention Nana's illness
in front of Timmy.
She's trying
to shield him from that.
Of course she is. I mean...
He's in this
weird phase lately.
First he acted up in art class,
And then yesterday
he called my mom,
he asked her if she
was going out of town
and-and if my brother's rich.
Your mom is his grandmother.
Your grandmother's
his great-grandmother.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
I'd better run.
This is so frustrating.
We're in this
totally romantic place
and I can't do
anything about it.
I have this Lacey
lingerie with me, but,
you know, I just, I have
to stay with my gram.
Hey, look,
I knew you were gonna
be with her when
I decided to come.
- It's Ok.
- Oh.
Nana!
I'm back.
I have this
Lacey lingerie with me.
A last-minute trip to Tuscany.
I guess it's possible
that Molly could be
going with another guy.
I think he was a doctor.
Antonio, bebe's nurse.
I bet he's an animal.
Hello?
Bebe? It's Charlie.
Can I talk to Molly?
She went out for some air.
- Bullshit.
- What?
Uh, nothing. Can you let me in?
Charlie?
Charlie.
Come on, Nana. Chop-chop!
Thanks. I didn't want to
leave you all alone, beebs.
It's Ok.
Molly said she'd be
back in a few minutes.
Oh, that's great.
Did she mention anything
about nurse Antonio?
Hmm. Oh, yes, this morning
she said he was a good nurse.
Oh. Did she say anything
to the effect of
Italian men make
the best lovers?
Hmm... not that I recall.
But I agree with that.
Why don't you, uh,
take a look at the view?
I don't see anything.
It's too dark.
Ooh, I think I see a cat.
I'm thirsty.
Suck it up, Nana.
"Suck it up, Nana"?
Charlie, what are you doing?
I'm, uh, playing
"suck it up, Nana."
Haven't you ever
heard of that game?
Very big in my family.
You Ok? What happened?
Charlie put me in the corner.
She was disruptive,
I gave her a time-out.
I don't, um, understand.
Why are you going
through my stuff?
Because...
Nana was cold. I'm just
trying to find her a wrap.
I never said I was cold.
You never said,
"I'm oh so cold.
Can you hook me up with a
wrap, sweet Charlie boy"?
No!
Oh-oh, lord, I think
senility has set in.
I think she can remember
what happened five minutes ago!
She remembered every word
of my grandfather's proposal,
which was 70 years ago.
Yeah, but she could've
made that stuff up.
You don't know.
You weren't there.
Charlie, enough!
We need to talk. Outside.
I'm starting to lose patience,
so tell me the truth.
What is going on here?
Ok, fine.
I don't understand why
I'm the one on trial here.
Do you expect me to believe you
actually went out for some air?
Of course I didn't. I
lied to my grandmother.
That's what I thought.
So why are you treating me
like I'm the guilty one?
Especially when you
brought lingerie with you
when you had no idea
I was even coming.
I bought it this morning.
I was bringing it home
to wear for you.
Really? Well, then why
isn't it in your suitcase?
Because I just wore it
up to your room.
Oh.
My bad.
Please leave.
Honey, you sure you don't want
to just forget about all this
and get ready for Florence
tomorrow? I'll push the chair.
Wait. Wait.
Ok, look. There's something
you need to know about me.
I've been afraid
to tell you this...
But I'm...
Insane.
You think?
Not all the time.
Just when I fall in love.
It's a real psychological
condition. I'm psychotic.
Y-you're really
helping your case here?
But I can beat it.
Yeah, I can tell.
You know, when I saw you
standing in the vineyard,
at first I thought,
"did he follow me here?"
But I thought,
"who would be crazy enough
to come all the way to Italy
just to check up on me?"
No, it wasn't just
to check up on you.
Charlie, th-this is over.
Please just respect that.
Oh, I think you're
being impulsive here.
Ok, bebe, tell her she's
being impulsive and to...
Give me another chance.
Greetings from Thailand.
Off the port bow
you'll see the gorgeous
island of Ko samui.
Its scenic beaches have made it
a popular honeymoon destination.
Your principal back in San Pedro
very much wanted
to visit it someday.
But that's Ok.
The good ship
Lincoln Elementarysails on...
Into the vast,
dark...
Cold emptiness.
And that's how
I soothe my constipation.
Polenta. Fascinating.
Oh, you know what?
I'll be right back.
First I couldn't shit,
now I can't stop shitting.
Life, huh?
Charlie,
you can't live like this.
She's nasty,
vile, bowl-obsessed.
What are my choices? Huh?
I can't fall in love.
That doesn't work.
So it's either be alone
or be with people
that I feel absolutely
nothing for.
I'd rather be alone
than be with her.
I'd rather be on fire.
I...
- I-I talked to Michelle.
- Oh, no.
No, don't worry. It's fine.
I asked her if there
was anything she thought
you could do, and she said
that none of your ex's
that she interviewed
were sympathetic until
they fully understood the
magnitude of your problem.
So maybe if Molly,
you know, had
a sense of what...
Please don't bring up Molly.
I can't relive
what I've been through.
My life may not be
perfect right now,
or actually really,
really far from perfect,
but I'd rather be numb
than be hurting.
False alarm.
Nothing but air.
I took 40 bucks
from your dresser.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Anyone want more cereal?
Yo.
Whew!
Oh, that lieutenant Dan
is some kind of lover.
Cap'n Crunch?
Hit on me again,
and I'll snap off
your cock and use it
to stir my drink.
If you're trying to turn me on,
mission accomplished.
I have half a mind
to clean your pipes.
Oh.
Michelle, it's Charlie.
Listen.
I need your help.
My God. Is that Charlie?
Yes. His friend
asked me to bring you here,
said there was
something you needed to hear.
Hi. I know this is weird,
but this will all be
very clear in a few minutes.
We couldn't fully
explain what happened
without, uh, a little
help from some friends.
Thank you.
Molly.
Th-these are my...
Ex-girlfriends.
This is the most uncomfortable
moment of my life.
And another time,
I took my little sister
camping for the weekend,
and Charlie insisted
that I was off having
a conjugal visit.
I saw on "60 minutes"
that there's a website
where women met convicts.
Thinking you were one of those
women was where I went wrong.
It's Ok. I forgive you
for thinking
I was a prison whore.
Tanya. You're the only one
we haven't heard from.
So much shit.
Where do I begin?
Well, one day I had some
blue splotches on my jeans
that I got from my niece's
birthday at ColorMe Mine,
and Charlie thought
I was having an affair
with the Blue Man Group.
There were six blue
dots on her pants,
the exact number of
combined testicles
of the entire group.
Ok, you know, it's,
uh, it's getting late.
Uh, maybe it's
time for us to go home.
Th-this was incredibly
kind of all of you.
Again, a million apologies.
Good luck.
Thanks. Thank you.
Good night.
Wow. That was, uh,
that was eye-opening,
to say the least.
I totally get it now.
And it all made
sense at the time,
just like Dr. Oz.
Where did you even
come up with that?
Your nephew said you
dated a famous doctor.
I dated a Finnish
doctor, Nels Jarvey.
He's a podiatrist.
So, I was close.
It was-it was really
nice seeing you.
Y-you know I wish you
only the best.
Oh, but w-wait.
I- I thought you
understood all this.
I do, an-and, you know,
I can't imagine how hard
all of this has been for you.
But your condition's
like a real thing.
Sorry, I must...
Sound like an awful person.
Molly, please don't...
Apologize.
It was my fault.
Of course it wasn't.
You couldn't help it.
Goodbye.
Hang in there, mate.
So, how's Charlie?
Nana, you know Charlie
and I aren't together anymore.
Well, I thought you
saw him at dinner.
I did, but...
That was just...
it was a one-time thing.
I like him.
You do?
We were married briefly,
you know.
Nana, you should know,
Charlie followed us to Italy.
Yeah, I knew it
the first moment I saw him.
And it didn't bother you?
Not really. You should've seen
some of the stuff I did when
pop-pop and I were courting.
I accused him of having
an affair with one
of the other riveters.
And what did pop-pop do?
What do you think he did?
You're sitting here
now, aren't you?
Good morning.
Welcome to the spring concert.
First, before we get started,
let me introduce our
band teacher, Mr. Thorpe.
Hello, Lincoln elementary.
Welcome to the spring concert.
I am your band director.
Are you Ok?
Yeah.
Do you still want me
to wear that wire?
No. Thank you, Timmy.
That's all right.
Have a good show.
Molly.
Hey.
It's... Good to see you.
Uh, Timmy will be
really happy you came.
I didn't come to see Timmy.
Who did you come to see?
Please say me.
Look, you know,
I-I was thinking.
If criminals can plead insanity,
then why shouldn't you?
A- all you did was...
Fall in love with you.
Right.
I want to kiss you
so badly right now.
So, what's the problem?
School has so many rules about
public displays of affection.
I... ah, screw it.
I'll give myself detention.
Remember her?
She saw one stray, shiny rock
and thought her boyfriend Zog
was getting it on with Uba.
Well, it got a lot worse
before it got better.
Until, luckily,
she found the help she needed.
But more important,
her relationship with
zog turned a corner.
And as she developed
a deeper bond with him,
she started going back
to her old self.
And everything worked out
for her and Zog
and their thousands
of descendants.
Same thing with Charlie.
He got some help too.
She explained that
for someone like him,
the first stages of love
can feel like this,
which is really no way to live.
But she also said
that as Molly and.
Charlie's relationship
evolves over time,
Charlie's symptoms
should diminish
so that love will start
to feel more like this.
Quiet, warm, steady
and beautiful.
And the best part is,
they'll never get bored
because Charlie's condition
will never completely go away.
He'll always be
just crazy enough
to keep things interesting.