Lucky Stiff (2014) Movie Script
1
Harry.
Don't stop.
Harder. Harder!
- I'm almost there.
- Yes!
Here it comes.
Yes!
Shall I wrap them up, madam?
No, they make
my feet look too big.
Hmm.
Harry? Sale?
No sale.
Ugh. You should improve
your sales technique.
Get some practice with the ladies.
Find a girl with a nice pair of feet.
- Mmm.
- I might know someone. Do you want me to, you know?
No, thanks.
Well, better for me anyway
if you've got no social life.
Who else would stay behind on a Friday
night to do inventory every Friday night.
Who else?
Ah, yes, and
that's why I love you.
Lock up.
Have a nice weekend.
Wait! Not again.
Damn it!
Isn't that lovely?
Hungry little pig, aren't ya?
There you go, deary.
Aw, there you are.
Good boy.
Who is it?
I don't want to
let the dogs out.
Telegram for
Mr. Harry Witherspoon.
Telegram?
I'll take it.
I'm his landlady.
I'll see he gets it.
Who was that?
Here. Look here.
Thank you, Miss Thorsby.
Now, Mr. Hobbs?
Not yet, Miss Thorsby.
I will buzz.
Yes, sir.
My condolences,
Mr. Witherspoon.
Please. Be emotional
if you so desire.
I'm terribly sorry that we have to
meet in such terrible circumstances.
I never met my Uncle Anthony.
He's American.
Wouldn't know me
from a hole in the wall.
And understandably so.
Nevertheless, you are
his only living relative.
Your uncle has left you
an inheritance.
An inheritance?
Apparently, casino managers do quite
well in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
In U.S. dollars, Mr. Witherspoon,
your uncle has left you...
Yes? Yes?
- Six.
- Six?
Million.
But I must warn you that the terms
of the will are highly unusual.
Therefore if you should choose
not to accept the money,
it will revert immediately to
your uncle's favorite charity,
The Universal Dog Home
of Brooklyn.
Dog home?
Look, I'll do anything
for that money.
No dog is gonna
get its paws on it.
This is the release form.
In essence you are agreeing to
fulfill the terms and conditions
of Anthony Hendon's last will
and testament. To the letter.
- Do you agree?
- I do.
Very good.
Sign here, here and here.
Now, Miss Thorsby!
Now!
And here we are.
Your uncle left
some recorded instructions.
This is a small player.
On. Off.
Rewind.
On his lap is a small
heart-shaped box,
which you must guard carefully,
until you receive
further instructions.
This is a check which should cover
your activities for the week.
That's all there is to it.
Bon voyage and good luck.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Witherspoon.
This is your Uncle Anthony.
But I thought he died.
He did.
Oh, my God!
Dear nephew Harry,
this is my last will and testament.
And I hope it finds you in
better health than it does me.
I hope that you're not the squeamish type,
especially when you hear the favor I want.
Favor?
In return for the money,
I wanna go to Monte Carlo.
- What?
- Yeah, Monte Carlo.
- I've got big plans.
- But that's impossible.
You're probably thinking that's impossible.
Am I right?
A taxidermist has fixed me up so
that no one will notice a thing.
You just follow
the instructions on the tape.
Take a dead man
to the French Riviera?
If you don't wanna do it,
the Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn will.
Six million dollars.
One more thing, kid.
Stay out of the spotlight.
Give me paper, pack of six.
- There you are.
- What?
No! No! No!
Hey, lady, what are you, blind?
Legally, I am, yeah.
P-E-C-F-D.
Uh-huh. Very good.
Very good.
All right, now.
Let's cover up the right eye.
- Third floor. Watch your step.
- You too!
Move!
Doctor Di Ruzzio,
your sister's here.
I'm sorry. I'm just a little...
I'm so sorry.
If you would just
excuse me for a moment.
Again, she cannot just barge in here
every time she loses her glasses.
She has to make an appointment
just like everybody...
I know. I know. I don't have an appointment,
but I have to talk to you right now.
Rita, Rita,
this is Mr. Loomis.
Mr. Loomis,
this is my sister, Rita.
She's legally blind.
I hate glasses, don't you?
Now, look, this is an emergency.
- Thank you.
- I think the last one was a Z.
- This is serious.
- Are you insane?
I'm in a little trouble and I
didn't know where else to go.
Look at this article
in today's paper.
"Rich shoe salesman kicks up heels,
inherits six mil from casino manager." So?
Keep reading.
"'Monte Carlo, here I come, ' says Harry Witherspoon, an
unlikely heir to a fortune from an uncle he has never met.
Witherspoon, a British citizen,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
What does this
got to do with you?
- An affair?
- An affair!
No!
What?
Tony's place?
Very dark!
Tony!
No!
No.
I said you lost it gambling.
I was desperate.
It just came out of my mouth like
spontaneously and now I think...
Nicky, uh, has a contract
on your life.
Uh-huh.
Vinnie.
Vinnie! Come on, control yourself.
What are you worried about?
We'll find him
if we have to call every hotel.
I'll never forgive you, Rita.
I swear to God I'll never forgive you!
Come on! Stop it!
If there's a God above, I...
Grow up!
Look on the bright side.
I got caught embezzling,
I killed the only man
I ever loved,
and I just lost
six million dollars in diamonds.
What else could go wrong?
I've done nothing!
I've done nothing!
Absolutely, Uncle!
Ha! I couldn't agree more.
Bonjour, monsieur.
May I suggest the trout today?
Nothing for me, thanks,
but my uncle here will have...
Some escargot, the coq au vin
and a bottle of Margot.
And the same for my nephew.
Exactly!
Oui, monsieur.
Ah!
What's that, Uncle?
Your eyesight isn't what it used to be?
Of course I'd be happy
to describe the sights.
Ciao, signoris.
Io sono Luigi Gaudi,
and you are?
- Harry Witherspoon.
- Ah!
Bravo. And you are?
My Uncle Anthony.
Now if you'll excuse us.
Uncle, huh? Zio.
Very good, very good.
- This your first time to Monte Carlo?
- Yes.
Fantastico! Luigi Gaudi
will be your guide.
Thanks, but Uncle is here for rest,
you see, and seclusion.
Signoris, this is nonsense.
This is Monte Carlo.
Champagne for everyone!
Welcome to the Hotel de Paris.
Thank you.
Where Winston Churchill
have had many good times.
Everything is
as you specified, monsieur.
Your long stemmed roses.
Yes, yes, thank you.
- Your champagne.
- Thank you.
And now, Uncle is very tired.
Your beluga caviar.
Your exclusive sea-view.
Your extra towels. Your chocolate truffles.
Your pink satin sheets.
- Your tip.
- Merci, monsieur.
What a schmuck.
I am not cut out for this.
I had a job.
I had a life.
It's not much, but at least
I knew what to expect.
Sorry, but you got
the wrong man.
Okay, kid, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
Sailing, new duds, new adventures,
and you're gonna go gambling,
using my infallible system
for roulette.
We've got a night club reservation at 8:00,
so be prompt.
Absolutely, Uncle.
Hell, I envy you, kid!
You can see that view
and taste that caviar.
All I can do is sit here
and stare.
Hey, I'm probably having
the best time of my life
and I don't even know it.
What's she doing here?
Harry, are you listening to me?
Take the heart-shaped box
and hide it in a safe place.
Six million dollars.
Six million dollars.
So, first things first,
have I got a red rose
in my buttonhole?
Check.
- Sunglasses?
- Check.
- Hat?
- Check.
Terrific. All right. Good.
Look, we're off.
And, Harry,
thank you again, man.
I'm about to have the biggest
adventure of my life.
Je peux vous aider, madame?
- Let go. Unhand the baggage.
- Pardon.
- What's in the bag?
- Never you mind.
Bang! Ha!
Oh, my God!
You put a gun in the luggage?
What are you gonna do?
Shoot him?
Of course not, silly.
She's gonna shoot him.
Now start calling.
Okay, why don't we...
Why don't we just get in a cab?
Check into some hotel...
Because I wanna check in
where Witherspoon is.
Now dial.
- This is futile.
- Futile's a four letter word.
- Hotel Louis?
- Oh, Louis.
Hello?
Hotel Ville Parnasse?
Avez vous un Harry
Witherspoon registered there?
No? No? Thank you.
Hello, Hotel Ambassador?
Hello? Hotel Monaco?
Oui, I'll hold.
Vinnie!
- Any luck?
- Not yet.
Hello, Hotel de Paris?
Um, avez vous un Harry Witherspoon
registered chez vous there?
Oui, I'll hold.
Damn!
You do? He is?
Uh, Mr. Witherspoon is an old and dear
family friend and I'd like to surprise him.
Could you possibly
book two rooms,
one for me and
one for my brother...
- Don't use my name!
- ...right down the hall from him?
Not my name!
Not my name!
Mrs. Rita LaPorto
and Dr. Vincent Di Ruzzio.
- She said "doctor"!
- Merci you very much.
Aujourd'hui!
Yes!
This might be all right, Uncle.
Can I sit on your lap?
Oh, no! No!
Mommy, his lap is hard.
You should both be ashamed!
Get back!
Get off me! Get away,
you mangy little mutt!
Sorry! Highly allergic.
Gangway!
- Let me help you with that.
- Unhand the baggage. What is it with you people?
Think I have a gun or something?
You check in, okay?
Then we'll ring his room.
If he's not in his room,
we'll fan out.
You take museums, churches
and car parks.
I'll take beaches, casinos,
cafes and beauty parlors.
Rita, promise me you're not going
to do anything crazy or emotional.
I will charm him.
To death.
All right.
You're following us.
I'm following you?
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
You are. Every time I look over
my shoulder, you're there.
I have as much right to be here as you do,
Mr. Witherspoon.
- There! You see, you know my name.
- No, I don't.
Yes, you do. You just
called me Mr. Witherspoon.
- No, I didn't.
- You did!
- I did?
- Yes.
Okay, yes, I did.
Now who are you
and what do you want?
Look, you've upset my uncle.
Well, that would be a pretty good
trick considering his condition.
- What?
- My card.
Miss Annabel Glick, legal associate,
Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.
We were your
uncle's favorite charity.
Don't tell me you've come
all this way for a handout.
I've come all this way for the money,
Mr. Witherspoon.
All six million dollars of it.
But I accepted
the terms of the will,
and as you can see, I'm here carrying
out his wishes, so you people have lost.
Not yet, we haven't.
Not by a long shot.
You see, there's a loophole.
What loophole?
Where?
Well, when we received our copy of the will in tape,
our legal department noticed how detailed it was.
All those social activities, specific
times you have to be at specific places.
- I'm doing the best I can.
- Yes.
But make one little slip
and the money goes to the dogs.
So you might as well
just give up right now.
Give up? Give up?
You're joking.
I'm not the kind of person who
jokes about serious social issues.
- One look at your shoes and I can see that.
- What does that mean?
They're brown and solemn.
They say desk work and time clocks
and not much of a night life.
Your shoes are brown too.
- Precisely!
- Mr. Witherspoon,
- our dog home is in desperate need of funds.
- So am I, Miss Glick.
No, you don't understand.
We are in danger of closing.
You're trying to make me late.
Charity begins abroad.
Not mine.
Look, Mr. Witherspoon,
let me give you the big picture.
You hate dogs?
May the best man win,
Miss Glick!
Oh, she will.
Three lemons!
Why does that remind
me of you, Miss Glick?
More champagne?
8:00 on the nose,
Miss Glick.
Just barely,
Mr. Witherspoon.
We have a reservation for three.
Table number five, please.
- This way.
- - I have 14 seconds to spare.
I'm well aware. You see, I'm a Virgo.
Details do not escape me.
It seems I can't
escape you either.
That is correct.
Doggy little lawyer
yapping at my heels.
- The dogs need that money.
- I need the money!
Do we have any lovers
in the audience tonight?
- You're so selfish.
- Ah, bonsoir, you two. Are you on your honeymoon?
- No!
- Ah, you see?
Lovers!
Oh, we're not together.
I'll just sit over there.
Harry!
Come sit with us!
I'm sorry, but Uncle was very
specific about table number five.
Old times' sake and all that.
Then Luigi will join you.
Sorry, but I'm supposed to
leave one seat free.
It's some sort of surprise.
Ah.
As long as you have
a good time, huh?
And now the moment when France
unveils yet another of her wonders.
Mesdames et messieurs,
I give you the delicious bon bon
of the French Riviera,
Dominique du Monaco!
Comment a va?
Oh, what? Don't tell me.
You don't speak French?
Bonjour, Harry Witherspoon!
You know me?
I am your surprise!
Oh, no.
I couldn't possibly!
I can't dance.
Bump?
Oh! Stop!
Un moment, s'il vous plat!
There is someone
who is not joining in.
Someone who is alone.
Why so sad?
Have too many lovers
trampled on your heart?
May I have a
blue spotlight please?
- May I get you something, mademoiselle?
- No, thank you, I'm working.
I said move it, Vinnie!
Hurry up!
Oh, hi.
Um, uh, uh... Pardonnez, uh, moi.
I've locked
myself out-ray.
- Um, oui, oui, um...
- Havez-vous un, uh...
Oh!
Ah! Merci!
Okay, buzz off.
Er, would the monsieur like
his bed turned down?
Maybe later.
Bye-bye!
Hello, maid service!
Rita...
I don't want any part of this.
This is breaking and entering.
This is impersonating a guest.
This is your life
and possible death.
Now stop whining and
look for that box, okay?
Somebody could come in.
You should have put on the bellhop
uniform while you had the chance.
Don't you think someone should
keep an eye on Mr. Witherspoon?
Look, I can see you got this
whole situation under control.
I'll meet you down
in the casino.
Huh?
Vinnie!
Vinnie? Vinnie!
Big baby!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ah, ah, ah.
Hello!
This will just take a minute.
Oh, no.
I thought you'd given up and gone to bed.
No. I was right behind you the whole time.
You were just too busy to notice.
Now...
Champagne, check.
Red roses, check.
- Pink satin sheets.
- - Check.
Only the best for you.
Absolutely. And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the casino.
Aren't you taking him?
As you must know, Uncle hasn't
specified anything for himself tonight.
So I'm off to try out his infallible
system for roulette. On my own time.
Well, I'll just come with you to make
sure you play the right numbers.
Suit yourself.
Good night, Uncle Anthony.
Ah!
Oh, my God!
My boyfriend's back.
Ah! I look awful!
Look at my hair.
Oh, cleavage okay.
Glasses off!
Okay!
Okay, so I shot you.
But you cheated on me.
Can't we call it even?
No, no, no, no, please hear me out.
You are the only man
I ever loved.
And I am the only woman
who will ever make you happy.
Let's not throw that away, Tony.
Especially now.
We're in Europe Like we planned.
With the money!
And we've got the rest
Of our lives ahead of us.
Ah! Ha!
You got it. Continue.
Bravo, bravo.
Oh, my God!
Chips, chips, chips.
Et bonjour!
Place your bets, please.
How could you do this?
How could you stand there watching
little balls spin round and round
when there are world problems
that need solving?
You are the most selfish person
I've ever met.
Now you listen to me,
Miss Glick.
For the first time in my life,
my luck has changed.
I'm on a winning streak.
I'm not about to give up the
one and only chance I ever had.
Not to a pack of mangy, flea-ridden
mongrels, and certainly not to you.
Yeah!
Mr. Witherspoon.
This is a real gun in your ribs.
Be very, very quiet.
Who are you?
What do you want?
I want you to start moving towards
that door pushing my Tony.
- Your Tony?
- My dead Tony. Now move!
Rita!
What are you doing?
You're not wearing your glasses.
Is that a gun?
- This is Harry Witherspoon.
- Miss Glick, get ready to...
Lunatic!
- Are you crazy?
- You don't shoot a gun in a casino!
Don't fight me!
Help! He has a gun!
Oh, no, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Wait!
Where is it?
Where are you?
Hurry, that woman was crazy!
Where's the key? Damn!
- That could be her.
- Quick!
Calm, just...
Okay, okay, okay. Calm down.
Please, God, let me
find my glasses!
That woman went into my room.
Security made a big mistake.
Just a misunderstanding.
I feel so silly.
Thank you so much.
I can't believe I locked
myself out of my own room.
- Mr. Witherspoon.
- - I should tip you.
- And...
- Oh.
Schmuck.
No!
Where is he?
Someone's taken him.
Who could have taken him? Oh, my God!
You're insane!
You're a homicidal maniac!
You scared me. You came up behind me.
There they are!
Damn.
- I got to get this thing fixed.
- - Wait for me!
Door, door, door!
Hold that door!
You've won, Miss Glick.
Yes! Yes, I have!
And the dogs will be very happy.
And I am very happy.
Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your very happy
life in Brooklyn with the dogs, Miss Glick.
I'm looking for a woman with glasses,
brandishing a gun, um...
Not really brandishing.
Wild waving blindly.
But there's a huge amount
of money at stake.
Hello.
Why don't you
tell Dominique all about it?
You're very understanding.
But wait. There's a loophole.
Loophole.
- Yes, it's not your fault your uncle was stolen.
- No.
- And you've fulfilled every last one of his wishes up until now.
- Yes.
And there's nothing else
planned until tomorrow morning.
Yes! Yes!
Ergo, Mr. Witherspoon,
you have not yet lost.
Even though technically
I could win on an appeal.
Miss Glick, you mean
there's still a chance?
You have until
11:00 a.m. tomorrow.
Now come on.
- We're looking for a sweet old man.
- Very dignified.
- Wore a hat.
- - He'll be sitting in a wheelchair.
Have you seen him?
Oh, follow me.
Very good. Very good.
Now, um, cover the right eye,
and the second line.
Ooh, I just... I feel like I should
be going to find my sister somewhere.
Maybe...
Can we just, um...
Please!
We just have to find the maid.
That's all.
But she had a gun.
- The other maid.
- Which one?
The one who took Uncle
and left the sheets.
There's more than
one insane maid around here?
Yes! One has a gun.
One has Uncle.
And there may be others.
Mr. Witherspoon.
Mr. Witherspoon?
Let's be friends, huh?
Rita? Rita?
Rita?
Stop before you do something
we'll both be sorry for.
Rita!
This is your brother speaking.
Wherever you are,
give yourself...
Up.
Pauvre chri, a sister who blames
you for crime you don't commit.
And a little
heart-shaped box.
How much you say is in it?
Her husband will kill me.
My husband will kill me.
Dog Home will kill me.
I'll kill myself.
Rita?
Vinnie, you have allergies!
No! No! No!
Wait! Uncle!
No!
Oh, come on. I don't think we're gonna
find him and we're running out of time.
He could be halfway
out at sea by now
You have something...
Ugh!
You did your best.
Thanks.
Um, you too.
Sorry!
Well,
I should be going.
Uh, Miss Glick,
would you have a drink?
No, I couldn't.
It's an occasion.
How often will we ever lose six
million dollars in one day?
I don't drink very often.
Uncle wouldn't want his
champagne to go to waste.
And besides,
I don't want to drink on my own.
Okay, just one.
To Uncle.
To Mr. Hendon.
- Okay, well...
- Wait.
- I feel another toast coming on.
- No more for me. Really.
Miss Glick, this is...
Dom Perignon.
To Monte Carlo.
Most beautiful place I've ever been.
Probably ever will be.
I'm glad I got to see it once.
So what will you do now?
Oh, go back to
East Grinstead, I suppose.
Shoe salesman, right?
Loafer season
starts next week, so...
Mmm.
And you? What will you do?
Oh, I'm protesting the leash
laws in Prospect Park.
Change of subject.
I have a toast to make.
Then this is an occasion.
I don't remember stars like
this in East Grinstead.
Oh! Hey, look.
Isn't that the Dog Star?
I hope not.
Quick. Make a wish!
No, you go ahead.
My wish would never come
true on the Dog Star.
Then I'll make one for you.
There!
What will I do
without you, Miss Glick?
Get back.
Telegram for Mr. Harry Witherspoon.
Is he in?
I'll take it!
I'm his landlady.
What? What is it?
Shh. Shh.
- Miss Glick.
- Mr. Witherspoon.
Oh, we must have been
very drunk.
- I would never normally...
- This is totally embarrassing.
- I never intended...
- I hope you don't think
that I'm the kind of person
who just goes out and has fun.
I would never think
such a thing of you.
I don't remember
very much, do you?
Uh, not very much.
- How much?
- A little.
Oh, this is very unprofessional.
Yes?
Laundry delivery.
Does this belong to monsieur?
I don't believe it!
Yes, yes, he's mine. Ours.
Monsieur's linens
have been changed.
Bye-bye!
I cannot believe it!
Wait. Where are you going?
To use your bathroom
and then back to Brooklyn.
What do you mean back to Brooklyn?
I've got Uncle back.
Yes, well, Someone else from the
dog home can come follow you now.
Maybe, uh, Mr. Butterworth
or Mr. Chen.
I don't want Mr. Chen.
I want you to chase me.
Well, I've got a million
things to do, you know.
I got...
Reports to write and there's
that protest in Prospect Park
against the new leash laws
and a resume to update and...
So if you will just
please excuse me.
Annabel...
Just because we spent the night together does
not mean that we are on a first name basis.
Oh, shut up!
She's...
She's impossible.
Why would she leave now?
Just when things were...
- Have you seen my belt?
- Annabel?
- Miss Glick?
- Yes?
Here's your belt.
Thank you.
I'll be leaving.
- Miss Glick. Annabel!
- Yes?
Well, what I'm trying
to say is...
All right, nobody move!
And nobody say one word
about these glasses.
I look awful in 'em, don't I?
Shut up! Now, where is it?
Where is what?
The money! The diamonds.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
That six million dollars
you inherited, Mr. Witherspoon.
That money is mine!
Yours?
Mine and my husband's.
I want it back.
But my uncle left me that money.
And anyway, I don't get my inheritance
until the end of the week.
- Don't give me that.
- It's in a bank somewhere.
His lawyer gave me
pocket money for the week!
Pocket money, my ass!
Where's that hear-shaped box?
It's... It's in
East Grinstead.
Don't fool with me, missy.
Now where is it?
Now be calm, all right?
If you must shoot someone,
shoot me, not Miss Glick!
She's an innocent party.
You don't have to
shoot him either.
I know where it is.
Just stay calm, okay?
Here!
- Just take it and leave him alone.
- Yeah, okay.
But what about him?
You still got my Tony.
You're welcome to take him too.
I loved this man.
I loved him with all
my heart and soul.
Why are you dragging
him around dead?
It was all his idea.
He wanted one last holiday.
He said he never really
had a chance to live.
What do you mean he never lived?
What about me?
- Something funny's going on.
- - Pardon?
What are you trying to pull?
- I'm not.
- This is not Tony Hendon.
Of course it is.
I'm wearing my glasses now.
I can see, and this isn't him!
Have you had your
prescription checked recently?
I will give you three seconds to
tell me what you've done with him.
Uh, I've taken him
shopping, para-sailing...
- One...
- He never even met his uncle.
- Two...
- It was nice knowing you.
- Three.
- It was nice meeting you.
Goodbye, Miss Glick.
- Four.
- You will please drop the gun, eh?
Ciao, Harry! I think maybe you
need a little assist, huh?
Thank God, Luigi!
No, not exactly!
My God! Tony!
Riza pizza!
Boy, you still look
lousy in glasses.
Who are you?
What's this all about?
I'm your uncle, kid.
I'm Tony Hendon.
I've been keepin'
a close eye on you.
He's a nice kid, you hear me?
He's a good kid.
Jesus! Tony!
I thought you were dead!
- You look good!
- Thanks, baby.
I've had about enough of this.
If you're my uncle, who's that?
This is Luigi Gaudi,
who was killed
in my own apartment,
in my own bed.
What was he doing there
with a woman?
Luigi was staying at my place.
He wanted a hide-away
for the night.
Money's on the bar.
Don't spend it all in one place.
Tony!
I come home,
it's 5:00 in the morning.
Poor Luigi laying there dead.
He whispered...
I put an obituary in the Atlantic City papers so
that people would think that I was really dead.
Switched passports with Luigi and
booked a flight out of the country,
but first I made sure that
he would have his dying wish.
Dear nephew Harry,
I've done some
bad things in my life,
but my heart has
always stayed innocent.
What I ask of you is this,
put my heart in
a heart-shaped box
and bury it at sea.
Where are the diamonds?
Right where my
taxidermist friend put it.
Right here.
Where good ol' Luigi's heart used to be.
All right, nobody move.
Nobody move.
Now, now, now, listen to me.
I am a law abiding citizen
who has been forced to go
to Europe against his will.
Manipulated and arrested
and shot at.
Now, my sister thought she was
going to start a whole new life
and live happily ever after and leave me
holding the bag. You forgot one thing, Rita.
You can only push
an optometrist so far.
Now it's Vinnie's turn.
This wonderful little woman and
I are going to start a new life
where not you and not
your husband's hoodlums
and not even Mary Alice or her
mother can possibly find us.
Where are the diamonds?
S'il vous plat.
Here! And, Vinnie,
I'm sorry for everything.
I apologize. Really.
I've been just terrible.
And wish you both
a wonderful life.
- Well...
- Let's go.
Come, waive the gun.
Oh. Mmm.
Well, I'm off!
Wait a minute! What about the
Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn?
And what about your nephew? He smuggled diamonds
for you and he could have been arrested or killed.
And what about me?
All right.
To you, Miss Glick,
this generous check in the
amount of 10,000 dollars,
made out to
his favorite charity.
And to you, Harry,
this $500 chip out of my own pocket.
Not too bad, huh?
You're a good kid, Harry!
As for you, Rita...
Hold that thought.
Would you excuse us, please?
This is a personal matter.
Get in the closet.
- After you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey! Thanks so much for understanding.
All right.
I know I killed
your best friend.
Accidentally.
But you took those diamonds
and you ran out on me.
Can't we call it even?
We're in Europe,
like we planned.
With the money!
We got the rest of our lives ahead of us!
Do you think anyone else
is coming through the door?
I hope not.
I'll just lock it, shall I?
That would be a wonderful idea.
I'm out of here.
Let's not be hasty!
Dominique!
Well...
Well...
- Here we are.
- Yes.
Here we are.
You were very brave.
- So were you.
- No. Really.
The way you...
You stood up for the dog home
and with that gun in your face.
You are a very brave person.
Miss Glick.
- Annabel.
- Annabel.
This week is
paid for in advance.
And I have plenty of pocket money, plus my
uncle's infallible system for roulette.
Yes?
What I'm trying to say is...
Why don't you stay?
Stay here?
With you?
For a whole week just enjoying myself?
No, I definitely
couldn't do that.
Here.
Come and have a look at this.
I'm not exactly what you'd call
a spontaneous person
or anything.
I have no sense of humor. And I'm not
fun to be around in the morning.
This is perfect.
All we're missing is a dog.
I am not the sort of person who
jokes about serious social issues.
Harry.
Don't stop.
Harder. Harder!
- I'm almost there.
- Yes!
Here it comes.
Yes!
Shall I wrap them up, madam?
No, they make
my feet look too big.
Hmm.
Harry? Sale?
No sale.
Ugh. You should improve
your sales technique.
Get some practice with the ladies.
Find a girl with a nice pair of feet.
- Mmm.
- I might know someone. Do you want me to, you know?
No, thanks.
Well, better for me anyway
if you've got no social life.
Who else would stay behind on a Friday
night to do inventory every Friday night.
Who else?
Ah, yes, and
that's why I love you.
Lock up.
Have a nice weekend.
Wait! Not again.
Damn it!
Isn't that lovely?
Hungry little pig, aren't ya?
There you go, deary.
Aw, there you are.
Good boy.
Who is it?
I don't want to
let the dogs out.
Telegram for
Mr. Harry Witherspoon.
Telegram?
I'll take it.
I'm his landlady.
I'll see he gets it.
Who was that?
Here. Look here.
Thank you, Miss Thorsby.
Now, Mr. Hobbs?
Not yet, Miss Thorsby.
I will buzz.
Yes, sir.
My condolences,
Mr. Witherspoon.
Please. Be emotional
if you so desire.
I'm terribly sorry that we have to
meet in such terrible circumstances.
I never met my Uncle Anthony.
He's American.
Wouldn't know me
from a hole in the wall.
And understandably so.
Nevertheless, you are
his only living relative.
Your uncle has left you
an inheritance.
An inheritance?
Apparently, casino managers do quite
well in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
In U.S. dollars, Mr. Witherspoon,
your uncle has left you...
Yes? Yes?
- Six.
- Six?
Million.
But I must warn you that the terms
of the will are highly unusual.
Therefore if you should choose
not to accept the money,
it will revert immediately to
your uncle's favorite charity,
The Universal Dog Home
of Brooklyn.
Dog home?
Look, I'll do anything
for that money.
No dog is gonna
get its paws on it.
This is the release form.
In essence you are agreeing to
fulfill the terms and conditions
of Anthony Hendon's last will
and testament. To the letter.
- Do you agree?
- I do.
Very good.
Sign here, here and here.
Now, Miss Thorsby!
Now!
And here we are.
Your uncle left
some recorded instructions.
This is a small player.
On. Off.
Rewind.
On his lap is a small
heart-shaped box,
which you must guard carefully,
until you receive
further instructions.
This is a check which should cover
your activities for the week.
That's all there is to it.
Bon voyage and good luck.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Witherspoon.
This is your Uncle Anthony.
But I thought he died.
He did.
Oh, my God!
Dear nephew Harry,
this is my last will and testament.
And I hope it finds you in
better health than it does me.
I hope that you're not the squeamish type,
especially when you hear the favor I want.
Favor?
In return for the money,
I wanna go to Monte Carlo.
- What?
- Yeah, Monte Carlo.
- I've got big plans.
- But that's impossible.
You're probably thinking that's impossible.
Am I right?
A taxidermist has fixed me up so
that no one will notice a thing.
You just follow
the instructions on the tape.
Take a dead man
to the French Riviera?
If you don't wanna do it,
the Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn will.
Six million dollars.
One more thing, kid.
Stay out of the spotlight.
Give me paper, pack of six.
- There you are.
- What?
No! No! No!
Hey, lady, what are you, blind?
Legally, I am, yeah.
P-E-C-F-D.
Uh-huh. Very good.
Very good.
All right, now.
Let's cover up the right eye.
- Third floor. Watch your step.
- You too!
Move!
Doctor Di Ruzzio,
your sister's here.
I'm sorry. I'm just a little...
I'm so sorry.
If you would just
excuse me for a moment.
Again, she cannot just barge in here
every time she loses her glasses.
She has to make an appointment
just like everybody...
I know. I know. I don't have an appointment,
but I have to talk to you right now.
Rita, Rita,
this is Mr. Loomis.
Mr. Loomis,
this is my sister, Rita.
She's legally blind.
I hate glasses, don't you?
Now, look, this is an emergency.
- Thank you.
- I think the last one was a Z.
- This is serious.
- Are you insane?
I'm in a little trouble and I
didn't know where else to go.
Look at this article
in today's paper.
"Rich shoe salesman kicks up heels,
inherits six mil from casino manager." So?
Keep reading.
"'Monte Carlo, here I come, ' says Harry Witherspoon, an
unlikely heir to a fortune from an uncle he has never met.
Witherspoon, a British citizen,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
What does this
got to do with you?
- An affair?
- An affair!
No!
What?
Tony's place?
Very dark!
Tony!
No!
No.
I said you lost it gambling.
I was desperate.
It just came out of my mouth like
spontaneously and now I think...
Nicky, uh, has a contract
on your life.
Uh-huh.
Vinnie.
Vinnie! Come on, control yourself.
What are you worried about?
We'll find him
if we have to call every hotel.
I'll never forgive you, Rita.
I swear to God I'll never forgive you!
Come on! Stop it!
If there's a God above, I...
Grow up!
Look on the bright side.
I got caught embezzling,
I killed the only man
I ever loved,
and I just lost
six million dollars in diamonds.
What else could go wrong?
I've done nothing!
I've done nothing!
Absolutely, Uncle!
Ha! I couldn't agree more.
Bonjour, monsieur.
May I suggest the trout today?
Nothing for me, thanks,
but my uncle here will have...
Some escargot, the coq au vin
and a bottle of Margot.
And the same for my nephew.
Exactly!
Oui, monsieur.
Ah!
What's that, Uncle?
Your eyesight isn't what it used to be?
Of course I'd be happy
to describe the sights.
Ciao, signoris.
Io sono Luigi Gaudi,
and you are?
- Harry Witherspoon.
- Ah!
Bravo. And you are?
My Uncle Anthony.
Now if you'll excuse us.
Uncle, huh? Zio.
Very good, very good.
- This your first time to Monte Carlo?
- Yes.
Fantastico! Luigi Gaudi
will be your guide.
Thanks, but Uncle is here for rest,
you see, and seclusion.
Signoris, this is nonsense.
This is Monte Carlo.
Champagne for everyone!
Welcome to the Hotel de Paris.
Thank you.
Where Winston Churchill
have had many good times.
Everything is
as you specified, monsieur.
Your long stemmed roses.
Yes, yes, thank you.
- Your champagne.
- Thank you.
And now, Uncle is very tired.
Your beluga caviar.
Your exclusive sea-view.
Your extra towels. Your chocolate truffles.
Your pink satin sheets.
- Your tip.
- Merci, monsieur.
What a schmuck.
I am not cut out for this.
I had a job.
I had a life.
It's not much, but at least
I knew what to expect.
Sorry, but you got
the wrong man.
Okay, kid, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
Sailing, new duds, new adventures,
and you're gonna go gambling,
using my infallible system
for roulette.
We've got a night club reservation at 8:00,
so be prompt.
Absolutely, Uncle.
Hell, I envy you, kid!
You can see that view
and taste that caviar.
All I can do is sit here
and stare.
Hey, I'm probably having
the best time of my life
and I don't even know it.
What's she doing here?
Harry, are you listening to me?
Take the heart-shaped box
and hide it in a safe place.
Six million dollars.
Six million dollars.
So, first things first,
have I got a red rose
in my buttonhole?
Check.
- Sunglasses?
- Check.
- Hat?
- Check.
Terrific. All right. Good.
Look, we're off.
And, Harry,
thank you again, man.
I'm about to have the biggest
adventure of my life.
Je peux vous aider, madame?
- Let go. Unhand the baggage.
- Pardon.
- What's in the bag?
- Never you mind.
Bang! Ha!
Oh, my God!
You put a gun in the luggage?
What are you gonna do?
Shoot him?
Of course not, silly.
She's gonna shoot him.
Now start calling.
Okay, why don't we...
Why don't we just get in a cab?
Check into some hotel...
Because I wanna check in
where Witherspoon is.
Now dial.
- This is futile.
- Futile's a four letter word.
- Hotel Louis?
- Oh, Louis.
Hello?
Hotel Ville Parnasse?
Avez vous un Harry
Witherspoon registered there?
No? No? Thank you.
Hello, Hotel Ambassador?
Hello? Hotel Monaco?
Oui, I'll hold.
Vinnie!
- Any luck?
- Not yet.
Hello, Hotel de Paris?
Um, avez vous un Harry Witherspoon
registered chez vous there?
Oui, I'll hold.
Damn!
You do? He is?
Uh, Mr. Witherspoon is an old and dear
family friend and I'd like to surprise him.
Could you possibly
book two rooms,
one for me and
one for my brother...
- Don't use my name!
- ...right down the hall from him?
Not my name!
Not my name!
Mrs. Rita LaPorto
and Dr. Vincent Di Ruzzio.
- She said "doctor"!
- Merci you very much.
Aujourd'hui!
Yes!
This might be all right, Uncle.
Can I sit on your lap?
Oh, no! No!
Mommy, his lap is hard.
You should both be ashamed!
Get back!
Get off me! Get away,
you mangy little mutt!
Sorry! Highly allergic.
Gangway!
- Let me help you with that.
- Unhand the baggage. What is it with you people?
Think I have a gun or something?
You check in, okay?
Then we'll ring his room.
If he's not in his room,
we'll fan out.
You take museums, churches
and car parks.
I'll take beaches, casinos,
cafes and beauty parlors.
Rita, promise me you're not going
to do anything crazy or emotional.
I will charm him.
To death.
All right.
You're following us.
I'm following you?
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
You are. Every time I look over
my shoulder, you're there.
I have as much right to be here as you do,
Mr. Witherspoon.
- There! You see, you know my name.
- No, I don't.
Yes, you do. You just
called me Mr. Witherspoon.
- No, I didn't.
- You did!
- I did?
- Yes.
Okay, yes, I did.
Now who are you
and what do you want?
Look, you've upset my uncle.
Well, that would be a pretty good
trick considering his condition.
- What?
- My card.
Miss Annabel Glick, legal associate,
Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.
We were your
uncle's favorite charity.
Don't tell me you've come
all this way for a handout.
I've come all this way for the money,
Mr. Witherspoon.
All six million dollars of it.
But I accepted
the terms of the will,
and as you can see, I'm here carrying
out his wishes, so you people have lost.
Not yet, we haven't.
Not by a long shot.
You see, there's a loophole.
What loophole?
Where?
Well, when we received our copy of the will in tape,
our legal department noticed how detailed it was.
All those social activities, specific
times you have to be at specific places.
- I'm doing the best I can.
- Yes.
But make one little slip
and the money goes to the dogs.
So you might as well
just give up right now.
Give up? Give up?
You're joking.
I'm not the kind of person who
jokes about serious social issues.
- One look at your shoes and I can see that.
- What does that mean?
They're brown and solemn.
They say desk work and time clocks
and not much of a night life.
Your shoes are brown too.
- Precisely!
- Mr. Witherspoon,
- our dog home is in desperate need of funds.
- So am I, Miss Glick.
No, you don't understand.
We are in danger of closing.
You're trying to make me late.
Charity begins abroad.
Not mine.
Look, Mr. Witherspoon,
let me give you the big picture.
You hate dogs?
May the best man win,
Miss Glick!
Oh, she will.
Three lemons!
Why does that remind
me of you, Miss Glick?
More champagne?
8:00 on the nose,
Miss Glick.
Just barely,
Mr. Witherspoon.
We have a reservation for three.
Table number five, please.
- This way.
- - I have 14 seconds to spare.
I'm well aware. You see, I'm a Virgo.
Details do not escape me.
It seems I can't
escape you either.
That is correct.
Doggy little lawyer
yapping at my heels.
- The dogs need that money.
- I need the money!
Do we have any lovers
in the audience tonight?
- You're so selfish.
- Ah, bonsoir, you two. Are you on your honeymoon?
- No!
- Ah, you see?
Lovers!
Oh, we're not together.
I'll just sit over there.
Harry!
Come sit with us!
I'm sorry, but Uncle was very
specific about table number five.
Old times' sake and all that.
Then Luigi will join you.
Sorry, but I'm supposed to
leave one seat free.
It's some sort of surprise.
Ah.
As long as you have
a good time, huh?
And now the moment when France
unveils yet another of her wonders.
Mesdames et messieurs,
I give you the delicious bon bon
of the French Riviera,
Dominique du Monaco!
Comment a va?
Oh, what? Don't tell me.
You don't speak French?
Bonjour, Harry Witherspoon!
You know me?
I am your surprise!
Oh, no.
I couldn't possibly!
I can't dance.
Bump?
Oh! Stop!
Un moment, s'il vous plat!
There is someone
who is not joining in.
Someone who is alone.
Why so sad?
Have too many lovers
trampled on your heart?
May I have a
blue spotlight please?
- May I get you something, mademoiselle?
- No, thank you, I'm working.
I said move it, Vinnie!
Hurry up!
Oh, hi.
Um, uh, uh... Pardonnez, uh, moi.
I've locked
myself out-ray.
- Um, oui, oui, um...
- Havez-vous un, uh...
Oh!
Ah! Merci!
Okay, buzz off.
Er, would the monsieur like
his bed turned down?
Maybe later.
Bye-bye!
Hello, maid service!
Rita...
I don't want any part of this.
This is breaking and entering.
This is impersonating a guest.
This is your life
and possible death.
Now stop whining and
look for that box, okay?
Somebody could come in.
You should have put on the bellhop
uniform while you had the chance.
Don't you think someone should
keep an eye on Mr. Witherspoon?
Look, I can see you got this
whole situation under control.
I'll meet you down
in the casino.
Huh?
Vinnie!
Vinnie? Vinnie!
Big baby!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ah, ah, ah.
Hello!
This will just take a minute.
Oh, no.
I thought you'd given up and gone to bed.
No. I was right behind you the whole time.
You were just too busy to notice.
Now...
Champagne, check.
Red roses, check.
- Pink satin sheets.
- - Check.
Only the best for you.
Absolutely. And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the casino.
Aren't you taking him?
As you must know, Uncle hasn't
specified anything for himself tonight.
So I'm off to try out his infallible
system for roulette. On my own time.
Well, I'll just come with you to make
sure you play the right numbers.
Suit yourself.
Good night, Uncle Anthony.
Ah!
Oh, my God!
My boyfriend's back.
Ah! I look awful!
Look at my hair.
Oh, cleavage okay.
Glasses off!
Okay!
Okay, so I shot you.
But you cheated on me.
Can't we call it even?
No, no, no, no, please hear me out.
You are the only man
I ever loved.
And I am the only woman
who will ever make you happy.
Let's not throw that away, Tony.
Especially now.
We're in Europe Like we planned.
With the money!
And we've got the rest
Of our lives ahead of us.
Ah! Ha!
You got it. Continue.
Bravo, bravo.
Oh, my God!
Chips, chips, chips.
Et bonjour!
Place your bets, please.
How could you do this?
How could you stand there watching
little balls spin round and round
when there are world problems
that need solving?
You are the most selfish person
I've ever met.
Now you listen to me,
Miss Glick.
For the first time in my life,
my luck has changed.
I'm on a winning streak.
I'm not about to give up the
one and only chance I ever had.
Not to a pack of mangy, flea-ridden
mongrels, and certainly not to you.
Yeah!
Mr. Witherspoon.
This is a real gun in your ribs.
Be very, very quiet.
Who are you?
What do you want?
I want you to start moving towards
that door pushing my Tony.
- Your Tony?
- My dead Tony. Now move!
Rita!
What are you doing?
You're not wearing your glasses.
Is that a gun?
- This is Harry Witherspoon.
- Miss Glick, get ready to...
Lunatic!
- Are you crazy?
- You don't shoot a gun in a casino!
Don't fight me!
Help! He has a gun!
Oh, no, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Wait!
Where is it?
Where are you?
Hurry, that woman was crazy!
Where's the key? Damn!
- That could be her.
- Quick!
Calm, just...
Okay, okay, okay. Calm down.
Please, God, let me
find my glasses!
That woman went into my room.
Security made a big mistake.
Just a misunderstanding.
I feel so silly.
Thank you so much.
I can't believe I locked
myself out of my own room.
- Mr. Witherspoon.
- - I should tip you.
- And...
- Oh.
Schmuck.
No!
Where is he?
Someone's taken him.
Who could have taken him? Oh, my God!
You're insane!
You're a homicidal maniac!
You scared me. You came up behind me.
There they are!
Damn.
- I got to get this thing fixed.
- - Wait for me!
Door, door, door!
Hold that door!
You've won, Miss Glick.
Yes! Yes, I have!
And the dogs will be very happy.
And I am very happy.
Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your very happy
life in Brooklyn with the dogs, Miss Glick.
I'm looking for a woman with glasses,
brandishing a gun, um...
Not really brandishing.
Wild waving blindly.
But there's a huge amount
of money at stake.
Hello.
Why don't you
tell Dominique all about it?
You're very understanding.
But wait. There's a loophole.
Loophole.
- Yes, it's not your fault your uncle was stolen.
- No.
- And you've fulfilled every last one of his wishes up until now.
- Yes.
And there's nothing else
planned until tomorrow morning.
Yes! Yes!
Ergo, Mr. Witherspoon,
you have not yet lost.
Even though technically
I could win on an appeal.
Miss Glick, you mean
there's still a chance?
You have until
11:00 a.m. tomorrow.
Now come on.
- We're looking for a sweet old man.
- Very dignified.
- Wore a hat.
- - He'll be sitting in a wheelchair.
Have you seen him?
Oh, follow me.
Very good. Very good.
Now, um, cover the right eye,
and the second line.
Ooh, I just... I feel like I should
be going to find my sister somewhere.
Maybe...
Can we just, um...
Please!
We just have to find the maid.
That's all.
But she had a gun.
- The other maid.
- Which one?
The one who took Uncle
and left the sheets.
There's more than
one insane maid around here?
Yes! One has a gun.
One has Uncle.
And there may be others.
Mr. Witherspoon.
Mr. Witherspoon?
Let's be friends, huh?
Rita? Rita?
Rita?
Stop before you do something
we'll both be sorry for.
Rita!
This is your brother speaking.
Wherever you are,
give yourself...
Up.
Pauvre chri, a sister who blames
you for crime you don't commit.
And a little
heart-shaped box.
How much you say is in it?
Her husband will kill me.
My husband will kill me.
Dog Home will kill me.
I'll kill myself.
Rita?
Vinnie, you have allergies!
No! No! No!
Wait! Uncle!
No!
Oh, come on. I don't think we're gonna
find him and we're running out of time.
He could be halfway
out at sea by now
You have something...
Ugh!
You did your best.
Thanks.
Um, you too.
Sorry!
Well,
I should be going.
Uh, Miss Glick,
would you have a drink?
No, I couldn't.
It's an occasion.
How often will we ever lose six
million dollars in one day?
I don't drink very often.
Uncle wouldn't want his
champagne to go to waste.
And besides,
I don't want to drink on my own.
Okay, just one.
To Uncle.
To Mr. Hendon.
- Okay, well...
- Wait.
- I feel another toast coming on.
- No more for me. Really.
Miss Glick, this is...
Dom Perignon.
To Monte Carlo.
Most beautiful place I've ever been.
Probably ever will be.
I'm glad I got to see it once.
So what will you do now?
Oh, go back to
East Grinstead, I suppose.
Shoe salesman, right?
Loafer season
starts next week, so...
Mmm.
And you? What will you do?
Oh, I'm protesting the leash
laws in Prospect Park.
Change of subject.
I have a toast to make.
Then this is an occasion.
I don't remember stars like
this in East Grinstead.
Oh! Hey, look.
Isn't that the Dog Star?
I hope not.
Quick. Make a wish!
No, you go ahead.
My wish would never come
true on the Dog Star.
Then I'll make one for you.
There!
What will I do
without you, Miss Glick?
Get back.
Telegram for Mr. Harry Witherspoon.
Is he in?
I'll take it!
I'm his landlady.
What? What is it?
Shh. Shh.
- Miss Glick.
- Mr. Witherspoon.
Oh, we must have been
very drunk.
- I would never normally...
- This is totally embarrassing.
- I never intended...
- I hope you don't think
that I'm the kind of person
who just goes out and has fun.
I would never think
such a thing of you.
I don't remember
very much, do you?
Uh, not very much.
- How much?
- A little.
Oh, this is very unprofessional.
Yes?
Laundry delivery.
Does this belong to monsieur?
I don't believe it!
Yes, yes, he's mine. Ours.
Monsieur's linens
have been changed.
Bye-bye!
I cannot believe it!
Wait. Where are you going?
To use your bathroom
and then back to Brooklyn.
What do you mean back to Brooklyn?
I've got Uncle back.
Yes, well, Someone else from the
dog home can come follow you now.
Maybe, uh, Mr. Butterworth
or Mr. Chen.
I don't want Mr. Chen.
I want you to chase me.
Well, I've got a million
things to do, you know.
I got...
Reports to write and there's
that protest in Prospect Park
against the new leash laws
and a resume to update and...
So if you will just
please excuse me.
Annabel...
Just because we spent the night together does
not mean that we are on a first name basis.
Oh, shut up!
She's...
She's impossible.
Why would she leave now?
Just when things were...
- Have you seen my belt?
- Annabel?
- Miss Glick?
- Yes?
Here's your belt.
Thank you.
I'll be leaving.
- Miss Glick. Annabel!
- Yes?
Well, what I'm trying
to say is...
All right, nobody move!
And nobody say one word
about these glasses.
I look awful in 'em, don't I?
Shut up! Now, where is it?
Where is what?
The money! The diamonds.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
That six million dollars
you inherited, Mr. Witherspoon.
That money is mine!
Yours?
Mine and my husband's.
I want it back.
But my uncle left me that money.
And anyway, I don't get my inheritance
until the end of the week.
- Don't give me that.
- It's in a bank somewhere.
His lawyer gave me
pocket money for the week!
Pocket money, my ass!
Where's that hear-shaped box?
It's... It's in
East Grinstead.
Don't fool with me, missy.
Now where is it?
Now be calm, all right?
If you must shoot someone,
shoot me, not Miss Glick!
She's an innocent party.
You don't have to
shoot him either.
I know where it is.
Just stay calm, okay?
Here!
- Just take it and leave him alone.
- Yeah, okay.
But what about him?
You still got my Tony.
You're welcome to take him too.
I loved this man.
I loved him with all
my heart and soul.
Why are you dragging
him around dead?
It was all his idea.
He wanted one last holiday.
He said he never really
had a chance to live.
What do you mean he never lived?
What about me?
- Something funny's going on.
- - Pardon?
What are you trying to pull?
- I'm not.
- This is not Tony Hendon.
Of course it is.
I'm wearing my glasses now.
I can see, and this isn't him!
Have you had your
prescription checked recently?
I will give you three seconds to
tell me what you've done with him.
Uh, I've taken him
shopping, para-sailing...
- One...
- He never even met his uncle.
- Two...
- It was nice knowing you.
- Three.
- It was nice meeting you.
Goodbye, Miss Glick.
- Four.
- You will please drop the gun, eh?
Ciao, Harry! I think maybe you
need a little assist, huh?
Thank God, Luigi!
No, not exactly!
My God! Tony!
Riza pizza!
Boy, you still look
lousy in glasses.
Who are you?
What's this all about?
I'm your uncle, kid.
I'm Tony Hendon.
I've been keepin'
a close eye on you.
He's a nice kid, you hear me?
He's a good kid.
Jesus! Tony!
I thought you were dead!
- You look good!
- Thanks, baby.
I've had about enough of this.
If you're my uncle, who's that?
This is Luigi Gaudi,
who was killed
in my own apartment,
in my own bed.
What was he doing there
with a woman?
Luigi was staying at my place.
He wanted a hide-away
for the night.
Money's on the bar.
Don't spend it all in one place.
Tony!
I come home,
it's 5:00 in the morning.
Poor Luigi laying there dead.
He whispered...
I put an obituary in the Atlantic City papers so
that people would think that I was really dead.
Switched passports with Luigi and
booked a flight out of the country,
but first I made sure that
he would have his dying wish.
Dear nephew Harry,
I've done some
bad things in my life,
but my heart has
always stayed innocent.
What I ask of you is this,
put my heart in
a heart-shaped box
and bury it at sea.
Where are the diamonds?
Right where my
taxidermist friend put it.
Right here.
Where good ol' Luigi's heart used to be.
All right, nobody move.
Nobody move.
Now, now, now, listen to me.
I am a law abiding citizen
who has been forced to go
to Europe against his will.
Manipulated and arrested
and shot at.
Now, my sister thought she was
going to start a whole new life
and live happily ever after and leave me
holding the bag. You forgot one thing, Rita.
You can only push
an optometrist so far.
Now it's Vinnie's turn.
This wonderful little woman and
I are going to start a new life
where not you and not
your husband's hoodlums
and not even Mary Alice or her
mother can possibly find us.
Where are the diamonds?
S'il vous plat.
Here! And, Vinnie,
I'm sorry for everything.
I apologize. Really.
I've been just terrible.
And wish you both
a wonderful life.
- Well...
- Let's go.
Come, waive the gun.
Oh. Mmm.
Well, I'm off!
Wait a minute! What about the
Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn?
And what about your nephew? He smuggled diamonds
for you and he could have been arrested or killed.
And what about me?
All right.
To you, Miss Glick,
this generous check in the
amount of 10,000 dollars,
made out to
his favorite charity.
And to you, Harry,
this $500 chip out of my own pocket.
Not too bad, huh?
You're a good kid, Harry!
As for you, Rita...
Hold that thought.
Would you excuse us, please?
This is a personal matter.
Get in the closet.
- After you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey! Thanks so much for understanding.
All right.
I know I killed
your best friend.
Accidentally.
But you took those diamonds
and you ran out on me.
Can't we call it even?
We're in Europe,
like we planned.
With the money!
We got the rest of our lives ahead of us!
Do you think anyone else
is coming through the door?
I hope not.
I'll just lock it, shall I?
That would be a wonderful idea.
I'm out of here.
Let's not be hasty!
Dominique!
Well...
Well...
- Here we are.
- Yes.
Here we are.
You were very brave.
- So were you.
- No. Really.
The way you...
You stood up for the dog home
and with that gun in your face.
You are a very brave person.
Miss Glick.
- Annabel.
- Annabel.
This week is
paid for in advance.
And I have plenty of pocket money, plus my
uncle's infallible system for roulette.
Yes?
What I'm trying to say is...
Why don't you stay?
Stay here?
With you?
For a whole week just enjoying myself?
No, I definitely
couldn't do that.
Here.
Come and have a look at this.
I'm not exactly what you'd call
a spontaneous person
or anything.
I have no sense of humor. And I'm not
fun to be around in the morning.
This is perfect.
All we're missing is a dog.
I am not the sort of person who
jokes about serious social issues.