Lucy Beaumont: Live from the Royal Court Theatre (2024) Movie Script
The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Hiya. Oh, hi.
Could I have a lamb and soda?
A la... Sorry, one more time.
A lamb and soda. A lamb and soda.
Soda. Oh, soda.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, thank you.
I look taller on TV, don't I?
That's what you were all thinking.
Oh, isn't this a nice theatre?
Oh, aren't you?
You're all crammed in, though.
Do you feel crammed in?
Anyway.
Oh, no, it's lovely to be here.
Do you know, I'm in this weird stage where...
Cos I've been doing quite a lot of TV.
Have you noticed?
Is that why you're here?
I'm getting recognised in the street now,
but I'm not used to it yet.
And I walked in this pub to see my friend
and there was a woman staring at me.
I thought, what are you fucking looking at?
Oh, it's me.
And I was trying to act like Kate Winslet.
I was like, hold on.
Like, I was like, do you know Matalan?
Do you know Mat...
Have you been in it?
Cos you're not actually from here, are you?
No.
From... No.
Where are you from?
Who's come the fairest?
Florida.
You've come from Florida?
You're not going to be able to understand a word, I say.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
People in Cheltenham can't understand
whereabouts in Florida.
Not Orlando.
Oh, I love it there.
Have you heard of Disney World?
You should go there.
If you're bored.
Anyway.
Yeah, so, do you know what Matalan is?
I've passed it on...
Oh, have you?
It's just a shit shop.
LAUGHTER
And a woman stopped me and she was like,
oh, I'm your biggest fan.
I said, oh, yeah.
She said,
can I have a picture?
And I said, oh, yeah.
And she went, no, with my baby.
And she handed me a baby.
And then she realised that her mobile phone
was still in the car,
so she went back for it.
She left me with her baby.
And then another lady came up to me
and she said, oh, you were that woman off Bake Off.
And I said, yeah.
And she said, oh, what's your baby called?
I said...
LAUGHTER
I said, I don't know whose it is.
It's such a weird life.
And then, like, I've got, like, fans.
I've got, like, superfans.
That stand outside of shows, waiting for me.
They're all men of a similar age.
LAUGHTER
They live with their mothers.
And when their mothers die,
they want me to wear their clothes.
LAUGHTER
That's who my fans are.
And one of them...
I'm not joking.
And they're in tonight.
LAUGHTER
Oh, this poor guy, he'd been waiting for me.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
In the rain.
And he'd had this, like, A3, you know,
like, professional photo of me done.
And he was there with a Sharpie.
And he was like, oh, can you sign it?
I said, oh, yeah.
And he said, to Mark.
And I went to do it.
And he said, with a K.
And I wrote, Cark.
LAUGHTER
So...
LAUGHTER
So sad.
They keep asking me to do quiz shows.
I did, you know, Michael McIntyre's The Wheel.
Did you see it?
God, did you?
Yeah.
I lost them 198,000.
LAUGHTER
And then...
And then, do you know, when they go back down in the ground,
he went back down in the ground and he looked up at me and he said,
I've had a lovely day, thank you.
LAUGHTER
That would have slapped me.
But I do think it's gone to my head a bit as well, you know,
like, being on TV.
Because I've got a PA now.
It sounds really good, you know, on emails.
And he's like, oh, my PA forgot to do that.
LAUGHTER
But it is just my best friend, Jackie,
and she's just at home in her pyjamas on her laptop.
She's really organised.
She's the only person I know.
She does a white wash, a dark wash and a leopard print wash.
LAUGHTER
I know, it's funny too.
But we had this real to-do.
I'd been in Tenerife with some friends
and I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to Manchester, like, on my own.
They flew back to London.
And that flight's, like, four hours long, isn't it?
And I got used to, you know, to, like,
you know, like, all-inclusive buffet meals.
I was really hungry on the flight.
And my card wouldn't work in the chip and pin machine.
And all I wanted was, you know, them EasyJet flights.
You know, just the, like, snack boxes.
I was like, nothing to them.
And I tried four times with the lady.
She wouldn't just let me have them.
And then I called her back over
and I said, I'm sorry if this offends anyone.
I said, um, I'm diabetic.
And so she went and got me it.
And she came back and she knelt next to me.
She said, why didn't you say something?
And I thought, I hadn't thought of it the first time.
I said, I didn't.
And then the lady next to me, she overheard
and she gave me a sweet.
I only fancied savoury.
And then when we landed,
the air hostesses, they were Googling me, I'm sure of it.
They were going like this and then looking.
And I thought, shit.
So I rang Jackie and I said, go on my Wikipedia.
Put the time diabetic.
And then when I was waiting for my suitcase,
I was like, you know, looking through it.
It was like early life and career and stuff.
And then at the bottom, she just put,
and she is diabetic.
And I said, yeah.
But I do really like gigging in London,
even though I'm...
I'm from the North.
Sometimes I prefer it, actually.
And what I've found is,
because I've been doing a lot of Southern dates recently,
that Southern people, it's just like a generalisation,
are more intelligent.
That's what I've found.
And that's why they're paid more.
That's all the North-South gap is.
And if you are Northern and you're intelligent,
then you move down.
And that's what I've found.
And that's what I've found.
Is that OK to say that?
Brain drain and stuff.
But it's the only place...
Can you cut that bit out?
Can you start from now?
Everything I've just said out.
But, no, but it's still the only place, London,
where someone takes a piss out of my accent.
And I was walking down Oxford Street with a friend
and this guy overheard me and he was like,
whoa, where's your accent from?
It's mental.
And I was like, Hull on the East Coast.
And he was like, say East Coast again.
I was like, East Coast.
And he went, oh, bless you.
And he had no legs.
It's true, it's true.
You know, when you're from a really distinctive place,
you get really homesick, don't you?
And I couldn't wait, I'd been in London for ages,
and I couldn't wait to get back, you know, to Hull.
I always say it's full of warm-hearted,
confrontational people.
And I got a train back and I got out at the station
and I went and got a pasty, you know, from Gregg's.
And the woman said, do you like Gregg's?
Which is your favourite pasty?
I'll let the vegan sausage roll.
That's the wrong answer, isn't it?
This guy, this guy's so pissed off with me.
I went and got a pasty.
I got a pasty from Gregg's.
And the woman said to me,
and what can I do for you, my little angel?
And knowing that, lovely, and she handed me it,
and she said, now you take good care, me darling.
And I took it and I got in a taxi.
And he went, don't be fucking eating that in here.
And I thought, oh, it's good to be home.
But it's really changed.
It's like a lot of these northern cities,
they've had a lot of regeneration,
and there's an area called Humber Street,
and it was quite rough.
It was like, you know, disused, like, fruit market,
you know, like warehouses and stuff.
And now it's trying to be like Dalston.
It's not quite there yet, but...
And there's, like, an independent art gallery.
And I went, cos they had an exhibition of a sculpture
of an upside-down vagina...
..smoking a cigarette.
I don't know if you can imagine that.
And I went in and I said, oh, how much is it, you know, to get in?
And she said, oh, it's a 12.50.
I was like, bloody hell.
And there was a woman mopping next to me here,
and she went, I'll do that round the back for a fiver.
I thought, oh, it's not changed too much.
And it's got its own train line, you know, whole trains.
And it's amazing, so you know all the strikes.
It's not been affected, cos it's like a private train company.
And, do you know, I wouldn't be here without it,
cos it meant I could...
I work in London, cos they had a ticket that was 25,
you know, just one, like, a return ticket.
And, do you know, when it first began, Hull Trains,
it coincided with all the Mecca bingos shutting
and all the staff moved on to Hull Trains.
The tannoy announcements.
I wish I recorded them.
They were hilarious.
There was this one train I was on, and we was coming back to Hull,
and it had been a way game, you know, with Hull City,
and all the, like, football hooligans had, like, taken over this one,
and it was on carriage, and it was carnage.
And we pulled into the station, and the train lady,
she locked all the doors, and she came on the tannoy and said,
can I just say to those lads in Coach B giving it loads and loads,
Darren Glover, I know your mammy's.
LAUGHTER
But I still talk about it a lot, you know, cos it's like my muse,
cos I go back and something funny happens.
Do you know, I had this job once,
and I think about it,
and I think about it all the time, you know,
like when I'm on, like, a long journey, or, like, can't get to sleep.
I worked in Comet Electricals, do you remember?
And I sold 3D TVs in the...
I told everyone they were the future.
LAUGHTER
They're not. I think it's...
It's been overtaken, hasn't it?
And I even sold the glasses separately.
LAUGHTER
It's awful, isn't it?
And I was there, and this guy walked in, you know,
through the electric doors,
and he walked in with his arms like this.
And I thought, isn't that weird if...
You know, shame for him, if that's what's wrong with you.
And he walked up to a TV and did this.
And then I heard him say,
oh, it won't fit, and he walked out.
LAUGHTER
Do you think his wife drove him?
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Did he get the bus?
LAUGHTER
He wasn't near any houses.
LAUGHTER
Quite a fan. We just don't know, do we?
But, no, like, when I first began doing stand-up,
like, no-one knew where Hull was.
Like, someone thought it was near the Shetlands.
LAUGHTER
And I did this Radio 4 interview.
I mean, Radio 4, I mean, you know Radio 4.
But even back then...
Like, I don't think the interviewer had ever met
a working-class Northern person before.
And he said to me, Lucy, tell me about Hull.
LAUGHTER
And I said, well, it's got Zumba classes you can smoke in.
LAUGHTER
And then, when we was waiting for the lift after the interview,
he said, that was so clever how you made that joke up.
How do you construct something?
And I said, well, I just walked past a Zumba class
and they were smoking.
I said, it's a bit like I walked into this pub
and there was a woman over here with her top off
and all these men, like, stood, like, jeering around her.
And my friend said, don't look.
And I said, why?
And she said, it's your mam.
LAUGHTER
And he said to me, but that's not true.
I said, yeah.
I said, what happened was that the DJ wouldn't stop playing Chumba Wumba
so she got her tits out on the turntable.
LAUGHTER
And he looked at me.
The only way I can describe the look
was how, like, a Victorian family might look at a chimney sweep.
LAUGHTER
That makes sense.
Have a lot of you got children?
It's awful, isn't it?
Is anyone thinking about having some young one?
Have you got children?
No, don't do it.
Have a nice life and die.
LAUGHTER
It's not worth it.
No, cos obviously, once you've got children,
like, it's unconditional love, isn't it?
But if you had your time again, you wouldn't.
LAUGHTER
And have you noticed that hats and hoods for babies
have always got ears on?
That's cos the manufacturers know that you wish you'd had a cat instead.
LAUGHTER
And I've learnt a lot about young people.
Since I've been a parent, I've learnt that if a child
under the age of seven says that they're like olives,
they're a twat.
LAUGHTER
My daughter, she's lovely,
but we live in quite a posh village, you know, in Yorkshire,
so she's not got, you know, like, a northern accent.
But every now and again, there's, like, a language barrier between us.
LAUGHTER
I was doing a buffet, cos I had friends coming over,
and I was, like, real excited.
I was like, oh, I'm in hosting mode.
And I was like, oh, I'm the hostess with the mostess, you know, like that.
She looked like that. I was like, hosting mode.
And she turned to her dad and said, what is she saying?
LAUGHTER
And then it happened, she had this play date with her friend Seb,
Sebby, Sebastian.
Lovely boy.
And we walked him back, me and my daughter,
and we go across this field.
And I said, go and look at all these more lols.
There's loads.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But there was loads of them.
I was like, there's a more lol, there's a more lol.
And they just looked at each other and went, I don't know.
LAUGHTER
And he's learning Mandarin after school, he understands that.
And it was like something out of Uni Blight,
and he said, I'll find out, what are you saying, Elsie's mum?
LAUGHTER
And I said, more lol, like that.
And then, do you know, when you hear your voice backing someone else,
he said to her, she's saying more lol.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But she's really sharp as well, my daughter.
I was brought up quite spiritual, you know, by my mum,
and so I'm trying to do the same with her.
And I was showing her, you know how you burn sage in the living room
to get rid of negative energy?
And she said, don't mum, my dad'll disappear.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But I take her to Sunday school, people can't believe it,
but, you know, I was like, I'm going to go to Sunday school,
I'm going to go to a village, there's a church, but it's not churchy,
it's, like, got a rock band and stuff, and she really loves it.
I mean, when I say rock band, you know what I mean, too.
LAUGHTER
But, you know...
It's on TV, isn't it?
This is all me.
LAUGHTER
Anyway.
LAUGHTER
But she loves it, and she had one of these sessions,
and the lady who runs it, she stopped me afterwards and she said,
can I just tell you what happened?
It's OK.
There's nothing to worry about.
It's just, um, you just should know,
we were talking about the Bible in a child-friendly way,
and I said to the children, you know,
about the two fairy and Father Christmas,
and I said, can you think of anything else that you can't see
but you just know is there?
And my daughter put her hand up and said, my bumhole.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But she's not wrong, is she, Sue?
There's no problem with it.
But she's had this amazing effect on my mum and dad,
cos they divorced when I was two, which was the right thing to do.
But they don't, you know, they don't spend time together,
and they do now, you know, with my daughter,
and we had this, like, lovely day where we was in Hebden Bridge.
Have you heard of it?
You know, where they film Happy Valley?
LAUGHTER
It is like that.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Behind the scenes.
And we were there, and my mum and dad were, like, laughing and joking
with each other and stuff, and it was really nice,
and we walked my mum back to the station,
and she gave my dad this, like, massive hug,
and I thought, God, I've never seen her hugging before.
And then as she went, my dad turned to me and said,
she's nicked my wallet.
LAUGHTER
I can't believe it, that she did.
But we did, we used to live there,
cos we lived in Surrey, you know, Surbiton,
and I had my daughter down there,
and I had her in my arms, we were on the,
on the train, and these two teenage girls got on,
and they sat near me, and they said to each other,
are you going to Serbo?
And the other one was like, yeah, like that.
And I looked down at this little angel,
and I thought, you are not talking like that.
LAUGHTER
So we moved to West Yorkshire,
and then she got into Peppa Pig,
and ended up sounding like a young Princess Margaret.
Fucking hell, we could have stayed in Surrey
and made her watch Kez over and over again.
LAUGHTER
I've seen the film.
That's where we met Emma and Damien, my neighbours,
and they were in Meet the Richesons.
Have you seen it?
And they're my best friends still.
Lovely, very different people, country living, you know.
Before we moved in, they'd never had a raisin.
LAUGHTER
No, honestly, and I said to them,
why have you never had a raisin?
And they just looked,
and they looked at each other and went,
we've never fancied one.
LAUGHTER
And then I had them round to my house,
and I just did, you know, nachos.
I just did nachos, you know, under the grill with cheese and stuff.
And they went, oh, come in here with your London ways
and your warm crisps.
LAUGHTER
And then apparently I had a receipt that blew into their garden
because I don't put the lid down on the recycling properly.
And do you know what they did with it?
They pinned it on the fridge,
and they invited the village over,
because it was for a meal that we had in the West End,
and they couldn't believe how much we paid for it.
LAUGHTER
It was so shabby.
And they lived next to a couple called Helen and Howard,
and Helen had a chicken called Brenda,
and for five years I called Helen the name of a chicken.
LAUGHTER
And she never told me, and when it was Helen's 50th,
I wrote in a card to Brenda.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I thought the chicken was called Helen.
And at a party, I had this ridiculous conversation with a sister,
where her sister was like,
oh, are you good friends with Helen, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
And I thought, you silly cow.
I was like, nothing to say to someone.
I said, no, I've looked after her once.
LAUGHTER
I said, she likes it when you stroke her head while she's feeding.
I said, she likes it when you stroke her head while she's feeding.
And then the chicken died, and, er, do you know, they buried it.
They was going to cremate it, but they thought it'd smell too nice.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I was really lucky, cos we got to spend lockdown there.
And it's lovely, you know, cos it's like rolling hills and countryside and stuff.
And apparently that's when, like, comics were meant to gather, like, most of the material,
cos the lockdown, you know, in a domestic setting,
and nothing funny happened.
The only thing that's worth telling you about is,
you know that nice bit where everyone was still dying, but it was sunny?
LAUGHTER
I grew a crest.
We all got a paddling pool.
That bit.
Every morning, I'd open the curtains and I'd look down on the lawn
and there was a little bird there in the same place,
and I couldn't wait to wake up, you know,
and I'd go, oh, hello, like that.
And I'd go downstairs and go, oh, that little bird was there again.
And then one morning, I looked and it wasn't moving.
So I went out onto the lawn to where it was.
It was a fucking mushroom.
LAUGHTER
And then the only other thing that happened was that my daughter really changed.
She became, like, more knowing, like, when she hit, like, four.
And then I took to her in bed and turned out the light
and she just said, Mummy, like that.
And I said, Mummy, what's wrong?
And I came back and she just put her hand, you know, on my cheek
and she whispered in my ear, I hate you and your cooking.
LAUGHTER
It was so awful.
I've noticed, now she's seven, I've become, like, her role model.
She's, like, emulating me.
Like, she's got my mannerisms and stuff.
I thought she'd picked, like, a blue Peter presenter.
LAUGHTER
I didn't use my mum.
But I'm trying now, you know, not to be, like, scatty in front of her.
And it's really hard.
I don't want her to, you know, think that that's cool.
And then, oh, we had this to do.
I was trying to get her out the house and I couldn't find my mobile phone.
I was trying not to flap.
And I thought, oh, I'll just ring it, you know, from the house phone.
So I did, you know, rang it and found it.
It was just under the bed.
I was like, oh, come on, then, let's go put your shoes on.
I was like, oh, wait a minute, I've got a missed call.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Has anyone done this?
And I could see it was a local number.
And I thought it might be doctors.
So I rang it back.
LAUGHTER
The house phone went off.
I thought, what's the chance of that?
Cos it never goes off.
So I picked it up.
And they'd put the phone down.
So...
LAUGHTER
I pressed 1471.
LAUGHTER
And she said my number, but, you know, in a different rhythm.
LAUGHTER
It wasn't my number.
So I rang it back.
And my mobile went off.
And then my daughter got both handsets and went,
this has to stop.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But I'm noticing, like, cos I was brought up in the 80s,
it was a lot harsher, like, parenting and stuff and everything.
Like, I'm soft as a brush with her.
But every now and again, it just comes out.
And we saw this ladybird.
And I was like, oh, look, I know a nursery rhyme about this.
They used to tell me.
It goes, ladybird, ladybird, fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
Your children have gone.
LAUGHTER
She just went, and?
I was just like, that's what they told me,
so you're just going to have to deal with it.
But, like, I do worry about, like, getting older and stuff, like, teenage.
Like, I can remember when I was young and I used to, like, walk down the street
and, like, you know, sometimes, like, men in white vans would be like,
oh, you know, they'd shout out, like, nice bottom sort of thing.
And I'd be like, oh, God, not again.
Like that.
But now I'm 40, if someone wants to do that, they can.
Now I'd be a bit more like, oh, thank you.
My God, just open the back, just let me in.
Let me in.
Let me in.
Will you have a look at my tits as well?
Don't be scared.
Stop it.
Calm down.
Just, I need an outsider's opinion.
I breastfed for 18 months and she had teeth for half of it.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I have now as well.
This is what happens, doesn't it, when you become a parent.
I've got, like, my real friends that drink too much
and then I've got mum friends who I don't like.
LAUGHTER
I don't like them or their children.
LAUGHTER
OK, say that.
But we go on, like, outings.
We went to this nightclub in Manchester.
Oh, my God.
I've not been in a nightclub since I was in my 20s.
I went in thinking,
can everyone still be the same age as me?
They were all, like, 18.
And people, like, they looked through us.
We were, like, invisible to everyone.
And we were dancing round our handbags on the dance floor.
And there was a young lad over here
and he was dancing, you know, with all these, like, real pretty girls.
And do you know what he was doing?
He was shimmying over to us,
farting, and then going back to them.
LAUGHTER
And he did it three times.
And I thought, I'm going to fucking kill him.
And I marched to her friend and said, excuse me, girls.
I said, you need a poo, go to the toilet.
LAUGHTER
And then I'm going on a lot of bottomless brunches.
Like, now I'm hit 40.
Is anyone else going on bottomless?
They're going to kill women.
LAUGHTER
Men, it's mainly women that go,
but men don't know how much you drink on them.
I drank more on this bottomless brunch
than when I went to Kavos for two weeks.
LAUGHTER
I sat down and my friends took it so seriously,
they went, are you ready?
LAUGHTER
Like it was Hunger Games.
LAUGHTER
And, honestly, I drank so much, I lost my eyesight.
LAUGHTER
I couldn't see and I was begging for them to let me go home.
LAUGHTER
And they wouldn't let me until I went to you,
because the toilets and my legs gave way.
And then I woke up in this taxi
and I had a bit of quiche under my chin.
We hadn't been eating quiches.
I think someone had thrown it at me.
And then I finally got in and all the lights was on
and I thought, shit, I'm in for it.
And I, like, tiptoed in and I said,
I'm so sorry that, you know, you've had to do bedtime and stuff
and you go up, I'll lock up and I'm sorry I didn't ring you,
but I lost my charger and, like, my battery went.
And he said, Lucy, it's two o'clock in the afternoon.
LAUGHTER
When I go back to see my real friends,
these friends that drink too much,
cos I'm on telly.
Now, did I tell you I was on telly?
When I'm on telly, I feel like I've got to, like,
splash the cash, you know, and, like, treat everyone to stuff.
And it was Jackie's 40th and we went round town, you know, in Leeds,
and she'd, like, organise the hotel room,
and stuff, and I thought, oh, what'll be, like, really lovely
is if I order, you know, Butler in the buff.
Nothing seedy, just, like, you know, to pass us drinks
while we're getting ready in the hotel room.
And when I got to the hotel room, I, like, did it out, you know,
like, with bunting and stuff like that.
And I think I was imagining, you know, like, a suite,
or, like, you know, like a rooftop hotel.
You know the ibises?
LAUGHTER
They're so small.
And I was in denial, cos there was going to be
10 of them.
There were 10, 40- to 50-year-old women in this room with this man.
You couldn't even walk round the bed.
And he texts me and he said,
oh, I'm downstairs in the lobby, and I went to get him.
I thought they'd send someone age-appropriate.
He was 22.
And he had a real baby face, and I was trying not to look disappointed.
I was trying to interact with him like he was a friend's son, you know.
I was like, come on, then, let's be having, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Like, I was babysitting.
Up the apples and pears!
Come on.
And then we got to the room and he said,
oh, where do you want me to get changed?
And I said, oh, just in the bathroom.
And he came out in a dicky-poor tie and a thong.
I know.
And I was like, oh, like that.
And then my friends text,
you can't write this.
They'd missed the train from Hull.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I was having to wait.
I was having to wait an hour for another train.
So we sat on the bed and we watched Love Your Garden together.
LAUGHTER
I know.
And then they finally arrived.
And they knocked on the door and he, bless him, he said,
do you want me to be straddled on the chair like that?
And I was like, no, no, no.
I said, they're all on HRT, they're not into that with anyone.
And I said, go hide in the toilets.
And I was shaking, I answered the door and I said,
I've made a terrible mistake.
There's a young boy in there.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
So we all sat on the bed and gave him careers advice.
LAUGHTER
Jackie has been single, like, for quite, for years, basically.
And I always say to her, if you see someone you like,
don't let the opportunity pass you by,
cos you just don't know, you know, when it might happen again.
And she said she was on a train to London and she took my advice.
And she saw this guy and he was, like, French-looking.
She said she really fancied him.
And so she went in the toilets, you know, to do her hair and make-up and stuff.
And she said when she walked in, it was like Mr Whippy...
LAUGHTER
..coming up from the bowl.
I know, like, literally, like, coming up.
I know.
And so she came back out quickly and she sat back down.
Then this guy got up.
LAUGHTER
I know, and he did the same thing, bless him.
He went in and he came straight back out.
And as he passed her, she said to him,
I just did that.
LAUGHTER
For this tour, my management company,
they took out a big advert, you know, on Facebook.
And someone said to another comment, he said,
whatever you do, don't read the comments, you know, underneath,
because they're really, like, far-reaching, you know,
and you get a lot of trolls and stuff.
So I did.
I read them and, do you know, it was, like, absolutely fine.
Like, I don't mind a bit of banter, you know.
But there was just one, and it really annoyed me.
This guy had put, without being too crude,
how old are you?
He's 16.
Sorry, sorry.
But how... Is this your mum there?
OK.
How many...
How many...
As she had to...
Is that all right? It's over.
To get the career she's got.
And her...
The answer's one.
Richard Osman.
Did you not... Did you not know that?
Everyone has to.
He's the gatekeeper.
He's the gatekeeper.
He likes me because I don't have to kneel.
I'm only joking.
It's a joke.
But, no, but it really bothered me what this guy had put.
And so I clicked on his profile page.
It's so silly of me, really.
And all the pictures were just him in, like, a boat
with a fish.
Like, every single picture.
And so I wrote back to him,
you're going to die alone.
And then I felt really bad about it.
Because I thought, the thing is with trolls,
you can't see the background or, like, what they've been through.
And, you know, you might be a bit more sympathetic.
So I went back on, you know, to delete it.
And he was online.
And he put back, don't you remember me?
I know.
And I put, who are you?
He put, I'm your mum's cousin.
I'd replied to the wrong person.
My mum's cousin, who is a diabetic and lives on his own.
I'd put, oh, I can't wait to see you on tour.
Give my love to your mum.
And I'd put, you're going to die alone.
I should have been banned from the internet.
I'd accepted a police caution for that.
But I thought, oh, I'm going to die alone.
I think everyone my age and over is terrible on social media.
And everyone younger is, like, the cut-off point.
And I've got a friend, Debbie, that I went to school with.
And she's got all the social media platforms.
And it's just, like, close friends and family, you know, that follower.
And she tries to do, you know, all the, like, young people's lingo and stuff.
But she shouldn't get it right.
And there was this picture of her on Twitter.
She had this picture of her husband.
And he'd just finished a shift at Betfred.
And he's on the couch.
She was a can of Stella.
And she'd put, here's my vibes.
He's a warrior.
Absolute scenes.
Gratitude.
And then loads of praying hands.
I was thinking, who is she doing this for?
Because everybody knows her.
We were chavs.
We used to smoke Lambert and Butler.
And then have a Super King menthol for dessert.
She used to have a necklace around her neck.
And she used to collect the ring pulls off cans.
And put them on for every time she was fingered.
Who is this language for?
Elon Musk.
And then you've got the other end of the scale.
Where I had my hair and makeup done by this young makeup artist.
And she'd just turned 18.
And she was saying, like, she's, like, grown up with TikTok.
And I was like, oh, my God, that's awful.
And I know.
And she was, like.
It was, like, blow-drying my hair.
And she suddenly stopped.
And she said, how do you cope with humanity?
I know.
I couldn't believe it.
And I was like, oh, well, I try to get in green spaces.
And I do yoga.
And she went like that.
And she said, oh, sorry, I mean humidity.
Thank God.
I went to see a lady doctor.
And John said it.
He said, you're very angry.
And you're getting angrier.
And so I went, you know, to get tested out.
It's a very posh doctor.
She was lovely.
And, you know, she said to me, it's okay.
You've got a few years yet.
But on the way out, she was like, do you think you're angry because you're from Hull?
And it was like a lightbulb moment.
I was like, yeah.
God, of course.
Because I think it's the basis of all our arguments.
Because John's from Lancaster.
And it's like quite, you know, really different people.
Like, in general, like, quite meek and polite people.
And I'm from the opposite.
And I was saying, all my family now you've only met.
But the rough ones are dead.
But, like, because I'm from a fishing family.
I used to hang around with trawler men.
They're like pirates with biscuits.
My granddad Dick, he'd been washed overboard and washed back on again.
Honestly.
And he'd had his foot.
One bit off by a catfish and he had it in a jar.
And if you were well behaved, you could look at it.
But, like, even, like, the family photographs, like, there's loads of me, like, you know, all through the ages, in function rooms, you know, and, like, Christmases and stuff.
And every adult that's near me has got a cigarette this close to my face.
So when it's a group photo, they're like, they're like that.
And I said, you'll never understand the pride.
You've got to be a bit more polite.
That's what you felt when your granny finally trusted you to hold a cigarette while she did her anorak up.
That moment, and you could see the ash burning down, and you did not drop it because she would have clouted you.
I said, everyone in our family, they either had a perm or gangrene.
My nana Adam, she had gangrene, and they cut her legs off.
And do you know what she said after they'd done it?
Good, they were doing my head in.
They got in the way of watching me, does she wrote.
Yeah.
And at the time of endearment, they used to say to me, come here, you little bastard, and give me a cuddle.
And when I used to walk in a room, I'd say, there's nowhere to sit.
And someone would say, stick your finger up your ass and sit on your elbow.
That's why I'm angry.
But I'm middle class now.
I'm middle class.
I am, aren't I?
Am I?
I'm middle class, but I haven't forgotten my roots.
And I know this because I went to Sainsbury's to get a bottle of organic Malbec.
I prefer the natural wines these days.
And on the way out, I tripped up, and I took the impact with my face and saved the wine.
And I was walking home, and I had a bus slip.
But I had all my ancestors in my head saying, good, it was expensive, that.
And I've had a really modern kitchen fitted, but, you know, really modern, where you hide everything.
And I said, I have not worked this hard to be able to see my fridge.
And, like, hidden everything.
And, like, my mum comes round, and she says, I can't find your fucking bin.
I said, we should have worked harder at school.
But she ruins this middle class pretense I have.
When she comes round, do you know, we had this moment.
It should have been, like, really magical, where me and my mum put my daughter to bed.
And my daughter lost her first tooth, and we put it in under the pillow.
And she turned to my mother, and, you know, in that lovely posh voice she's got.
And she said to her, she said, Nanny, what will the tooth fairy do with my tooth?
And she was in organic pyjamas as well.
You know, the cotton ones from the white company.
She was in them.
And do you know what my mother said to her?
She said, she's going to take...
All your white teeth, and all my black teeth, and make a piano out of them.
And my daughter has had to sleep with a light on ever since.
It's like, she'd had her hair done, you know, when we'd been to Centre Parcs.
And my daughter had had, you know, one of them hair braids done.
You know, we wrapped the cotton round it.
And my mum said, oh, you used to have one of them.
She said, we just cut it out of your hair.
Because I had really long hair.
And my mum said, oh, I've still got it.
And I said, where is it?
And she said, have you ever noticed?
I said, what?
She said, oh, it's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet.
But she came to stay with me for, like, quite a few weeks.
Because she was looking after my daughter whilst I was working.
And just before she left, she said, can I just say,
you're bringing your daughter up a little bit precocious.
She said, you can tell you're on TV.
And it bothered me, you know.
She was like, maybe you're a bit too...
Too middle class with that.
And, do you know, I was bathing my daughter that night
and I was thinking about it.
I was like, come on then, it's time to get out then.
And my daughter just went, no, like that.
And I took, you know, the toys out and the water and stuff like that.
And, you know, she was shivering.
She was, like, cold.
I said, come on.
And every time I went to get her, she just went, no, like that.
And then it finally came out of me.
All my 80s upbringing.
All the fishwives and dockers.
And I said, right.
I said, well, for Christmas, all you're going to get in your sack
is two lumps of coal and a tangerine.
And it's going to get wrapped around you.
And it's going to get into your ribcage and rot your insides.
And if the wind changes, your face will stay like that.
There's children in Africa dying.
I said, are you going to get out now?
And she said, no.
And I said, do you want an olive?
And she said, yes.
And you've been a lovely audience.
Did you know?
Could you tell that you were lovely?
You were lovely.
You were lovely.
You are.
But I'm going to end now with just telling you.
So I did Would I Lie To You?
And do you know, I've done it twice now.
And do you know, I really enjoy doing the show.
Because I don't really like doing panel shows.
I get really nervous, but I really enjoy that one.
And when you first, like, do the, like, interview for it,
they make, like, a pack, you know, of all your, like, stories,
in case you do it again.
And she said, Lucy, we've never had so many stories.
Does that sound like a lie?
No.
And I said, will you book me again?
And she said, probably until you retire.
Which is amazing, isn't it?
Because there's so many I want to do.
Like, I hadn't done about, I was walking,
this is, they're all true.
I was walking down a street, and a crow landed on my head.
No, honestly, and I felt like its talons gripping.
And I thought, shit, it's trying to pick me up.
And another time, I was walking down the street,
and a slice of raw mushroom just fell out my sleeve.
And I don't even like mushrooms.
And another time, I was on the London Underground,
on the Northern Line, and I fell asleep,
and a gang of youths got on,
and partied a chocolate.
A chocolate wagon wheel, and stuck it to my forehead.
And that happened in 2010,
and I've been looking ever since,
has anyone else had that level of public humiliation?
And I finally saw it.
I did a gig, you know, in Glasgow,
and I went past this woman at a bus stop,
and she had, you know, one of them massive rollers?
Like, do you know, like there, in her hair?
And a boy on a bike went past and put a sausage through it,
and like, Pop Pops!
And I was laughing to some of her words.
It was the best moment I've ever heard about living in Glasgow.
My friend, you could not get that.
Lions appreciate their presence.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
You've been lovely.
Get home safe, won't you?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
With a round of applause for !
You've been lovely.
Thank you.
Hiya. Oh, hi.
Could I have a lamb and soda?
A la... Sorry, one more time.
A lamb and soda. A lamb and soda.
Soda. Oh, soda.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, thank you.
I look taller on TV, don't I?
That's what you were all thinking.
Oh, isn't this a nice theatre?
Oh, aren't you?
You're all crammed in, though.
Do you feel crammed in?
Anyway.
Oh, no, it's lovely to be here.
Do you know, I'm in this weird stage where...
Cos I've been doing quite a lot of TV.
Have you noticed?
Is that why you're here?
I'm getting recognised in the street now,
but I'm not used to it yet.
And I walked in this pub to see my friend
and there was a woman staring at me.
I thought, what are you fucking looking at?
Oh, it's me.
And I was trying to act like Kate Winslet.
I was like, hold on.
Like, I was like, do you know Matalan?
Do you know Mat...
Have you been in it?
Cos you're not actually from here, are you?
No.
From... No.
Where are you from?
Who's come the fairest?
Florida.
You've come from Florida?
You're not going to be able to understand a word, I say.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
People in Cheltenham can't understand
whereabouts in Florida.
Not Orlando.
Oh, I love it there.
Have you heard of Disney World?
You should go there.
If you're bored.
Anyway.
Yeah, so, do you know what Matalan is?
I've passed it on...
Oh, have you?
It's just a shit shop.
LAUGHTER
And a woman stopped me and she was like,
oh, I'm your biggest fan.
I said, oh, yeah.
She said,
can I have a picture?
And I said, oh, yeah.
And she went, no, with my baby.
And she handed me a baby.
And then she realised that her mobile phone
was still in the car,
so she went back for it.
She left me with her baby.
And then another lady came up to me
and she said, oh, you were that woman off Bake Off.
And I said, yeah.
And she said, oh, what's your baby called?
I said...
LAUGHTER
I said, I don't know whose it is.
It's such a weird life.
And then, like, I've got, like, fans.
I've got, like, superfans.
That stand outside of shows, waiting for me.
They're all men of a similar age.
LAUGHTER
They live with their mothers.
And when their mothers die,
they want me to wear their clothes.
LAUGHTER
That's who my fans are.
And one of them...
I'm not joking.
And they're in tonight.
LAUGHTER
Oh, this poor guy, he'd been waiting for me.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
In the rain.
And he'd had this, like, A3, you know,
like, professional photo of me done.
And he was there with a Sharpie.
And he was like, oh, can you sign it?
I said, oh, yeah.
And he said, to Mark.
And I went to do it.
And he said, with a K.
And I wrote, Cark.
LAUGHTER
So...
LAUGHTER
So sad.
They keep asking me to do quiz shows.
I did, you know, Michael McIntyre's The Wheel.
Did you see it?
God, did you?
Yeah.
I lost them 198,000.
LAUGHTER
And then...
And then, do you know, when they go back down in the ground,
he went back down in the ground and he looked up at me and he said,
I've had a lovely day, thank you.
LAUGHTER
That would have slapped me.
But I do think it's gone to my head a bit as well, you know,
like, being on TV.
Because I've got a PA now.
It sounds really good, you know, on emails.
And he's like, oh, my PA forgot to do that.
LAUGHTER
But it is just my best friend, Jackie,
and she's just at home in her pyjamas on her laptop.
She's really organised.
She's the only person I know.
She does a white wash, a dark wash and a leopard print wash.
LAUGHTER
I know, it's funny too.
But we had this real to-do.
I'd been in Tenerife with some friends
and I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to the UK.
I flew back, you know, to Manchester, like, on my own.
They flew back to London.
And that flight's, like, four hours long, isn't it?
And I got used to, you know, to, like,
you know, like, all-inclusive buffet meals.
I was really hungry on the flight.
And my card wouldn't work in the chip and pin machine.
And all I wanted was, you know, them EasyJet flights.
You know, just the, like, snack boxes.
I was like, nothing to them.
And I tried four times with the lady.
She wouldn't just let me have them.
And then I called her back over
and I said, I'm sorry if this offends anyone.
I said, um, I'm diabetic.
And so she went and got me it.
And she came back and she knelt next to me.
She said, why didn't you say something?
And I thought, I hadn't thought of it the first time.
I said, I didn't.
And then the lady next to me, she overheard
and she gave me a sweet.
I only fancied savoury.
And then when we landed,
the air hostesses, they were Googling me, I'm sure of it.
They were going like this and then looking.
And I thought, shit.
So I rang Jackie and I said, go on my Wikipedia.
Put the time diabetic.
And then when I was waiting for my suitcase,
I was like, you know, looking through it.
It was like early life and career and stuff.
And then at the bottom, she just put,
and she is diabetic.
And I said, yeah.
But I do really like gigging in London,
even though I'm...
I'm from the North.
Sometimes I prefer it, actually.
And what I've found is,
because I've been doing a lot of Southern dates recently,
that Southern people, it's just like a generalisation,
are more intelligent.
That's what I've found.
And that's why they're paid more.
That's all the North-South gap is.
And if you are Northern and you're intelligent,
then you move down.
And that's what I've found.
And that's what I've found.
Is that OK to say that?
Brain drain and stuff.
But it's the only place...
Can you cut that bit out?
Can you start from now?
Everything I've just said out.
But, no, but it's still the only place, London,
where someone takes a piss out of my accent.
And I was walking down Oxford Street with a friend
and this guy overheard me and he was like,
whoa, where's your accent from?
It's mental.
And I was like, Hull on the East Coast.
And he was like, say East Coast again.
I was like, East Coast.
And he went, oh, bless you.
And he had no legs.
It's true, it's true.
You know, when you're from a really distinctive place,
you get really homesick, don't you?
And I couldn't wait, I'd been in London for ages,
and I couldn't wait to get back, you know, to Hull.
I always say it's full of warm-hearted,
confrontational people.
And I got a train back and I got out at the station
and I went and got a pasty, you know, from Gregg's.
And the woman said, do you like Gregg's?
Which is your favourite pasty?
I'll let the vegan sausage roll.
That's the wrong answer, isn't it?
This guy, this guy's so pissed off with me.
I went and got a pasty.
I got a pasty from Gregg's.
And the woman said to me,
and what can I do for you, my little angel?
And knowing that, lovely, and she handed me it,
and she said, now you take good care, me darling.
And I took it and I got in a taxi.
And he went, don't be fucking eating that in here.
And I thought, oh, it's good to be home.
But it's really changed.
It's like a lot of these northern cities,
they've had a lot of regeneration,
and there's an area called Humber Street,
and it was quite rough.
It was like, you know, disused, like, fruit market,
you know, like warehouses and stuff.
And now it's trying to be like Dalston.
It's not quite there yet, but...
And there's, like, an independent art gallery.
And I went, cos they had an exhibition of a sculpture
of an upside-down vagina...
..smoking a cigarette.
I don't know if you can imagine that.
And I went in and I said, oh, how much is it, you know, to get in?
And she said, oh, it's a 12.50.
I was like, bloody hell.
And there was a woman mopping next to me here,
and she went, I'll do that round the back for a fiver.
I thought, oh, it's not changed too much.
And it's got its own train line, you know, whole trains.
And it's amazing, so you know all the strikes.
It's not been affected, cos it's like a private train company.
And, do you know, I wouldn't be here without it,
cos it meant I could...
I work in London, cos they had a ticket that was 25,
you know, just one, like, a return ticket.
And, do you know, when it first began, Hull Trains,
it coincided with all the Mecca bingos shutting
and all the staff moved on to Hull Trains.
The tannoy announcements.
I wish I recorded them.
They were hilarious.
There was this one train I was on, and we was coming back to Hull,
and it had been a way game, you know, with Hull City,
and all the, like, football hooligans had, like, taken over this one,
and it was on carriage, and it was carnage.
And we pulled into the station, and the train lady,
she locked all the doors, and she came on the tannoy and said,
can I just say to those lads in Coach B giving it loads and loads,
Darren Glover, I know your mammy's.
LAUGHTER
But I still talk about it a lot, you know, cos it's like my muse,
cos I go back and something funny happens.
Do you know, I had this job once,
and I think about it,
and I think about it all the time, you know,
like when I'm on, like, a long journey, or, like, can't get to sleep.
I worked in Comet Electricals, do you remember?
And I sold 3D TVs in the...
I told everyone they were the future.
LAUGHTER
They're not. I think it's...
It's been overtaken, hasn't it?
And I even sold the glasses separately.
LAUGHTER
It's awful, isn't it?
And I was there, and this guy walked in, you know,
through the electric doors,
and he walked in with his arms like this.
And I thought, isn't that weird if...
You know, shame for him, if that's what's wrong with you.
And he walked up to a TV and did this.
And then I heard him say,
oh, it won't fit, and he walked out.
LAUGHTER
Do you think his wife drove him?
LAUGHTER
Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Did he get the bus?
LAUGHTER
He wasn't near any houses.
LAUGHTER
Quite a fan. We just don't know, do we?
But, no, like, when I first began doing stand-up,
like, no-one knew where Hull was.
Like, someone thought it was near the Shetlands.
LAUGHTER
And I did this Radio 4 interview.
I mean, Radio 4, I mean, you know Radio 4.
But even back then...
Like, I don't think the interviewer had ever met
a working-class Northern person before.
And he said to me, Lucy, tell me about Hull.
LAUGHTER
And I said, well, it's got Zumba classes you can smoke in.
LAUGHTER
And then, when we was waiting for the lift after the interview,
he said, that was so clever how you made that joke up.
How do you construct something?
And I said, well, I just walked past a Zumba class
and they were smoking.
I said, it's a bit like I walked into this pub
and there was a woman over here with her top off
and all these men, like, stood, like, jeering around her.
And my friend said, don't look.
And I said, why?
And she said, it's your mam.
LAUGHTER
And he said to me, but that's not true.
I said, yeah.
I said, what happened was that the DJ wouldn't stop playing Chumba Wumba
so she got her tits out on the turntable.
LAUGHTER
And he looked at me.
The only way I can describe the look
was how, like, a Victorian family might look at a chimney sweep.
LAUGHTER
That makes sense.
Have a lot of you got children?
It's awful, isn't it?
Is anyone thinking about having some young one?
Have you got children?
No, don't do it.
Have a nice life and die.
LAUGHTER
It's not worth it.
No, cos obviously, once you've got children,
like, it's unconditional love, isn't it?
But if you had your time again, you wouldn't.
LAUGHTER
And have you noticed that hats and hoods for babies
have always got ears on?
That's cos the manufacturers know that you wish you'd had a cat instead.
LAUGHTER
And I've learnt a lot about young people.
Since I've been a parent, I've learnt that if a child
under the age of seven says that they're like olives,
they're a twat.
LAUGHTER
My daughter, she's lovely,
but we live in quite a posh village, you know, in Yorkshire,
so she's not got, you know, like, a northern accent.
But every now and again, there's, like, a language barrier between us.
LAUGHTER
I was doing a buffet, cos I had friends coming over,
and I was, like, real excited.
I was like, oh, I'm in hosting mode.
And I was like, oh, I'm the hostess with the mostess, you know, like that.
She looked like that. I was like, hosting mode.
And she turned to her dad and said, what is she saying?
LAUGHTER
And then it happened, she had this play date with her friend Seb,
Sebby, Sebastian.
Lovely boy.
And we walked him back, me and my daughter,
and we go across this field.
And I said, go and look at all these more lols.
There's loads.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But there was loads of them.
I was like, there's a more lol, there's a more lol.
And they just looked at each other and went, I don't know.
LAUGHTER
And he's learning Mandarin after school, he understands that.
And it was like something out of Uni Blight,
and he said, I'll find out, what are you saying, Elsie's mum?
LAUGHTER
And I said, more lol, like that.
And then, do you know, when you hear your voice backing someone else,
he said to her, she's saying more lol.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But she's really sharp as well, my daughter.
I was brought up quite spiritual, you know, by my mum,
and so I'm trying to do the same with her.
And I was showing her, you know how you burn sage in the living room
to get rid of negative energy?
And she said, don't mum, my dad'll disappear.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But I take her to Sunday school, people can't believe it,
but, you know, I was like, I'm going to go to Sunday school,
I'm going to go to a village, there's a church, but it's not churchy,
it's, like, got a rock band and stuff, and she really loves it.
I mean, when I say rock band, you know what I mean, too.
LAUGHTER
But, you know...
It's on TV, isn't it?
This is all me.
LAUGHTER
Anyway.
LAUGHTER
But she loves it, and she had one of these sessions,
and the lady who runs it, she stopped me afterwards and she said,
can I just tell you what happened?
It's OK.
There's nothing to worry about.
It's just, um, you just should know,
we were talking about the Bible in a child-friendly way,
and I said to the children, you know,
about the two fairy and Father Christmas,
and I said, can you think of anything else that you can't see
but you just know is there?
And my daughter put her hand up and said, my bumhole.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
But she's not wrong, is she, Sue?
There's no problem with it.
But she's had this amazing effect on my mum and dad,
cos they divorced when I was two, which was the right thing to do.
But they don't, you know, they don't spend time together,
and they do now, you know, with my daughter,
and we had this, like, lovely day where we was in Hebden Bridge.
Have you heard of it?
You know, where they film Happy Valley?
LAUGHTER
It is like that.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Behind the scenes.
And we were there, and my mum and dad were, like, laughing and joking
with each other and stuff, and it was really nice,
and we walked my mum back to the station,
and she gave my dad this, like, massive hug,
and I thought, God, I've never seen her hugging before.
And then as she went, my dad turned to me and said,
she's nicked my wallet.
LAUGHTER
I can't believe it, that she did.
But we did, we used to live there,
cos we lived in Surrey, you know, Surbiton,
and I had my daughter down there,
and I had her in my arms, we were on the,
on the train, and these two teenage girls got on,
and they sat near me, and they said to each other,
are you going to Serbo?
And the other one was like, yeah, like that.
And I looked down at this little angel,
and I thought, you are not talking like that.
LAUGHTER
So we moved to West Yorkshire,
and then she got into Peppa Pig,
and ended up sounding like a young Princess Margaret.
Fucking hell, we could have stayed in Surrey
and made her watch Kez over and over again.
LAUGHTER
I've seen the film.
That's where we met Emma and Damien, my neighbours,
and they were in Meet the Richesons.
Have you seen it?
And they're my best friends still.
Lovely, very different people, country living, you know.
Before we moved in, they'd never had a raisin.
LAUGHTER
No, honestly, and I said to them,
why have you never had a raisin?
And they just looked,
and they looked at each other and went,
we've never fancied one.
LAUGHTER
And then I had them round to my house,
and I just did, you know, nachos.
I just did nachos, you know, under the grill with cheese and stuff.
And they went, oh, come in here with your London ways
and your warm crisps.
LAUGHTER
And then apparently I had a receipt that blew into their garden
because I don't put the lid down on the recycling properly.
And do you know what they did with it?
They pinned it on the fridge,
and they invited the village over,
because it was for a meal that we had in the West End,
and they couldn't believe how much we paid for it.
LAUGHTER
It was so shabby.
And they lived next to a couple called Helen and Howard,
and Helen had a chicken called Brenda,
and for five years I called Helen the name of a chicken.
LAUGHTER
And she never told me, and when it was Helen's 50th,
I wrote in a card to Brenda.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I thought the chicken was called Helen.
And at a party, I had this ridiculous conversation with a sister,
where her sister was like,
oh, are you good friends with Helen, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
And I thought, you silly cow.
I was like, nothing to say to someone.
I said, no, I've looked after her once.
LAUGHTER
I said, she likes it when you stroke her head while she's feeding.
I said, she likes it when you stroke her head while she's feeding.
And then the chicken died, and, er, do you know, they buried it.
They was going to cremate it, but they thought it'd smell too nice.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I was really lucky, cos we got to spend lockdown there.
And it's lovely, you know, cos it's like rolling hills and countryside and stuff.
And apparently that's when, like, comics were meant to gather, like, most of the material,
cos the lockdown, you know, in a domestic setting,
and nothing funny happened.
The only thing that's worth telling you about is,
you know that nice bit where everyone was still dying, but it was sunny?
LAUGHTER
I grew a crest.
We all got a paddling pool.
That bit.
Every morning, I'd open the curtains and I'd look down on the lawn
and there was a little bird there in the same place,
and I couldn't wait to wake up, you know,
and I'd go, oh, hello, like that.
And I'd go downstairs and go, oh, that little bird was there again.
And then one morning, I looked and it wasn't moving.
So I went out onto the lawn to where it was.
It was a fucking mushroom.
LAUGHTER
And then the only other thing that happened was that my daughter really changed.
She became, like, more knowing, like, when she hit, like, four.
And then I took to her in bed and turned out the light
and she just said, Mummy, like that.
And I said, Mummy, what's wrong?
And I came back and she just put her hand, you know, on my cheek
and she whispered in my ear, I hate you and your cooking.
LAUGHTER
It was so awful.
I've noticed, now she's seven, I've become, like, her role model.
She's, like, emulating me.
Like, she's got my mannerisms and stuff.
I thought she'd picked, like, a blue Peter presenter.
LAUGHTER
I didn't use my mum.
But I'm trying now, you know, not to be, like, scatty in front of her.
And it's really hard.
I don't want her to, you know, think that that's cool.
And then, oh, we had this to do.
I was trying to get her out the house and I couldn't find my mobile phone.
I was trying not to flap.
And I thought, oh, I'll just ring it, you know, from the house phone.
So I did, you know, rang it and found it.
It was just under the bed.
I was like, oh, come on, then, let's go put your shoes on.
I was like, oh, wait a minute, I've got a missed call.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Has anyone done this?
And I could see it was a local number.
And I thought it might be doctors.
So I rang it back.
LAUGHTER
The house phone went off.
I thought, what's the chance of that?
Cos it never goes off.
So I picked it up.
And they'd put the phone down.
So...
LAUGHTER
I pressed 1471.
LAUGHTER
And she said my number, but, you know, in a different rhythm.
LAUGHTER
It wasn't my number.
So I rang it back.
And my mobile went off.
And then my daughter got both handsets and went,
this has to stop.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But I'm noticing, like, cos I was brought up in the 80s,
it was a lot harsher, like, parenting and stuff and everything.
Like, I'm soft as a brush with her.
But every now and again, it just comes out.
And we saw this ladybird.
And I was like, oh, look, I know a nursery rhyme about this.
They used to tell me.
It goes, ladybird, ladybird, fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
Your children have gone.
LAUGHTER
She just went, and?
I was just like, that's what they told me,
so you're just going to have to deal with it.
But, like, I do worry about, like, getting older and stuff, like, teenage.
Like, I can remember when I was young and I used to, like, walk down the street
and, like, you know, sometimes, like, men in white vans would be like,
oh, you know, they'd shout out, like, nice bottom sort of thing.
And I'd be like, oh, God, not again.
Like that.
But now I'm 40, if someone wants to do that, they can.
Now I'd be a bit more like, oh, thank you.
My God, just open the back, just let me in.
Let me in.
Let me in.
Will you have a look at my tits as well?
Don't be scared.
Stop it.
Calm down.
Just, I need an outsider's opinion.
I breastfed for 18 months and she had teeth for half of it.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I have now as well.
This is what happens, doesn't it, when you become a parent.
I've got, like, my real friends that drink too much
and then I've got mum friends who I don't like.
LAUGHTER
I don't like them or their children.
LAUGHTER
OK, say that.
But we go on, like, outings.
We went to this nightclub in Manchester.
Oh, my God.
I've not been in a nightclub since I was in my 20s.
I went in thinking,
can everyone still be the same age as me?
They were all, like, 18.
And people, like, they looked through us.
We were, like, invisible to everyone.
And we were dancing round our handbags on the dance floor.
And there was a young lad over here
and he was dancing, you know, with all these, like, real pretty girls.
And do you know what he was doing?
He was shimmying over to us,
farting, and then going back to them.
LAUGHTER
And he did it three times.
And I thought, I'm going to fucking kill him.
And I marched to her friend and said, excuse me, girls.
I said, you need a poo, go to the toilet.
LAUGHTER
And then I'm going on a lot of bottomless brunches.
Like, now I'm hit 40.
Is anyone else going on bottomless?
They're going to kill women.
LAUGHTER
Men, it's mainly women that go,
but men don't know how much you drink on them.
I drank more on this bottomless brunch
than when I went to Kavos for two weeks.
LAUGHTER
I sat down and my friends took it so seriously,
they went, are you ready?
LAUGHTER
Like it was Hunger Games.
LAUGHTER
And, honestly, I drank so much, I lost my eyesight.
LAUGHTER
I couldn't see and I was begging for them to let me go home.
LAUGHTER
And they wouldn't let me until I went to you,
because the toilets and my legs gave way.
And then I woke up in this taxi
and I had a bit of quiche under my chin.
We hadn't been eating quiches.
I think someone had thrown it at me.
And then I finally got in and all the lights was on
and I thought, shit, I'm in for it.
And I, like, tiptoed in and I said,
I'm so sorry that, you know, you've had to do bedtime and stuff
and you go up, I'll lock up and I'm sorry I didn't ring you,
but I lost my charger and, like, my battery went.
And he said, Lucy, it's two o'clock in the afternoon.
LAUGHTER
When I go back to see my real friends,
these friends that drink too much,
cos I'm on telly.
Now, did I tell you I was on telly?
When I'm on telly, I feel like I've got to, like,
splash the cash, you know, and, like, treat everyone to stuff.
And it was Jackie's 40th and we went round town, you know, in Leeds,
and she'd, like, organise the hotel room,
and stuff, and I thought, oh, what'll be, like, really lovely
is if I order, you know, Butler in the buff.
Nothing seedy, just, like, you know, to pass us drinks
while we're getting ready in the hotel room.
And when I got to the hotel room, I, like, did it out, you know,
like, with bunting and stuff like that.
And I think I was imagining, you know, like, a suite,
or, like, you know, like a rooftop hotel.
You know the ibises?
LAUGHTER
They're so small.
And I was in denial, cos there was going to be
10 of them.
There were 10, 40- to 50-year-old women in this room with this man.
You couldn't even walk round the bed.
And he texts me and he said,
oh, I'm downstairs in the lobby, and I went to get him.
I thought they'd send someone age-appropriate.
He was 22.
And he had a real baby face, and I was trying not to look disappointed.
I was trying to interact with him like he was a friend's son, you know.
I was like, come on, then, let's be having, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Like, I was babysitting.
Up the apples and pears!
Come on.
And then we got to the room and he said,
oh, where do you want me to get changed?
And I said, oh, just in the bathroom.
And he came out in a dicky-poor tie and a thong.
I know.
And I was like, oh, like that.
And then my friends text,
you can't write this.
They'd missed the train from Hull.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I was having to wait.
I was having to wait an hour for another train.
So we sat on the bed and we watched Love Your Garden together.
LAUGHTER
I know.
And then they finally arrived.
And they knocked on the door and he, bless him, he said,
do you want me to be straddled on the chair like that?
And I was like, no, no, no.
I said, they're all on HRT, they're not into that with anyone.
And I said, go hide in the toilets.
And I was shaking, I answered the door and I said,
I've made a terrible mistake.
There's a young boy in there.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
So we all sat on the bed and gave him careers advice.
LAUGHTER
Jackie has been single, like, for quite, for years, basically.
And I always say to her, if you see someone you like,
don't let the opportunity pass you by,
cos you just don't know, you know, when it might happen again.
And she said she was on a train to London and she took my advice.
And she saw this guy and he was, like, French-looking.
She said she really fancied him.
And so she went in the toilets, you know, to do her hair and make-up and stuff.
And she said when she walked in, it was like Mr Whippy...
LAUGHTER
..coming up from the bowl.
I know, like, literally, like, coming up.
I know.
And so she came back out quickly and she sat back down.
Then this guy got up.
LAUGHTER
I know, and he did the same thing, bless him.
He went in and he came straight back out.
And as he passed her, she said to him,
I just did that.
LAUGHTER
For this tour, my management company,
they took out a big advert, you know, on Facebook.
And someone said to another comment, he said,
whatever you do, don't read the comments, you know, underneath,
because they're really, like, far-reaching, you know,
and you get a lot of trolls and stuff.
So I did.
I read them and, do you know, it was, like, absolutely fine.
Like, I don't mind a bit of banter, you know.
But there was just one, and it really annoyed me.
This guy had put, without being too crude,
how old are you?
He's 16.
Sorry, sorry.
But how... Is this your mum there?
OK.
How many...
How many...
As she had to...
Is that all right? It's over.
To get the career she's got.
And her...
The answer's one.
Richard Osman.
Did you not... Did you not know that?
Everyone has to.
He's the gatekeeper.
He's the gatekeeper.
He likes me because I don't have to kneel.
I'm only joking.
It's a joke.
But, no, but it really bothered me what this guy had put.
And so I clicked on his profile page.
It's so silly of me, really.
And all the pictures were just him in, like, a boat
with a fish.
Like, every single picture.
And so I wrote back to him,
you're going to die alone.
And then I felt really bad about it.
Because I thought, the thing is with trolls,
you can't see the background or, like, what they've been through.
And, you know, you might be a bit more sympathetic.
So I went back on, you know, to delete it.
And he was online.
And he put back, don't you remember me?
I know.
And I put, who are you?
He put, I'm your mum's cousin.
I'd replied to the wrong person.
My mum's cousin, who is a diabetic and lives on his own.
I'd put, oh, I can't wait to see you on tour.
Give my love to your mum.
And I'd put, you're going to die alone.
I should have been banned from the internet.
I'd accepted a police caution for that.
But I thought, oh, I'm going to die alone.
I think everyone my age and over is terrible on social media.
And everyone younger is, like, the cut-off point.
And I've got a friend, Debbie, that I went to school with.
And she's got all the social media platforms.
And it's just, like, close friends and family, you know, that follower.
And she tries to do, you know, all the, like, young people's lingo and stuff.
But she shouldn't get it right.
And there was this picture of her on Twitter.
She had this picture of her husband.
And he'd just finished a shift at Betfred.
And he's on the couch.
She was a can of Stella.
And she'd put, here's my vibes.
He's a warrior.
Absolute scenes.
Gratitude.
And then loads of praying hands.
I was thinking, who is she doing this for?
Because everybody knows her.
We were chavs.
We used to smoke Lambert and Butler.
And then have a Super King menthol for dessert.
She used to have a necklace around her neck.
And she used to collect the ring pulls off cans.
And put them on for every time she was fingered.
Who is this language for?
Elon Musk.
And then you've got the other end of the scale.
Where I had my hair and makeup done by this young makeup artist.
And she'd just turned 18.
And she was saying, like, she's, like, grown up with TikTok.
And I was like, oh, my God, that's awful.
And I know.
And she was, like.
It was, like, blow-drying my hair.
And she suddenly stopped.
And she said, how do you cope with humanity?
I know.
I couldn't believe it.
And I was like, oh, well, I try to get in green spaces.
And I do yoga.
And she went like that.
And she said, oh, sorry, I mean humidity.
Thank God.
I went to see a lady doctor.
And John said it.
He said, you're very angry.
And you're getting angrier.
And so I went, you know, to get tested out.
It's a very posh doctor.
She was lovely.
And, you know, she said to me, it's okay.
You've got a few years yet.
But on the way out, she was like, do you think you're angry because you're from Hull?
And it was like a lightbulb moment.
I was like, yeah.
God, of course.
Because I think it's the basis of all our arguments.
Because John's from Lancaster.
And it's like quite, you know, really different people.
Like, in general, like, quite meek and polite people.
And I'm from the opposite.
And I was saying, all my family now you've only met.
But the rough ones are dead.
But, like, because I'm from a fishing family.
I used to hang around with trawler men.
They're like pirates with biscuits.
My granddad Dick, he'd been washed overboard and washed back on again.
Honestly.
And he'd had his foot.
One bit off by a catfish and he had it in a jar.
And if you were well behaved, you could look at it.
But, like, even, like, the family photographs, like, there's loads of me, like, you know, all through the ages, in function rooms, you know, and, like, Christmases and stuff.
And every adult that's near me has got a cigarette this close to my face.
So when it's a group photo, they're like, they're like that.
And I said, you'll never understand the pride.
You've got to be a bit more polite.
That's what you felt when your granny finally trusted you to hold a cigarette while she did her anorak up.
That moment, and you could see the ash burning down, and you did not drop it because she would have clouted you.
I said, everyone in our family, they either had a perm or gangrene.
My nana Adam, she had gangrene, and they cut her legs off.
And do you know what she said after they'd done it?
Good, they were doing my head in.
They got in the way of watching me, does she wrote.
Yeah.
And at the time of endearment, they used to say to me, come here, you little bastard, and give me a cuddle.
And when I used to walk in a room, I'd say, there's nowhere to sit.
And someone would say, stick your finger up your ass and sit on your elbow.
That's why I'm angry.
But I'm middle class now.
I'm middle class.
I am, aren't I?
Am I?
I'm middle class, but I haven't forgotten my roots.
And I know this because I went to Sainsbury's to get a bottle of organic Malbec.
I prefer the natural wines these days.
And on the way out, I tripped up, and I took the impact with my face and saved the wine.
And I was walking home, and I had a bus slip.
But I had all my ancestors in my head saying, good, it was expensive, that.
And I've had a really modern kitchen fitted, but, you know, really modern, where you hide everything.
And I said, I have not worked this hard to be able to see my fridge.
And, like, hidden everything.
And, like, my mum comes round, and she says, I can't find your fucking bin.
I said, we should have worked harder at school.
But she ruins this middle class pretense I have.
When she comes round, do you know, we had this moment.
It should have been, like, really magical, where me and my mum put my daughter to bed.
And my daughter lost her first tooth, and we put it in under the pillow.
And she turned to my mother, and, you know, in that lovely posh voice she's got.
And she said to her, she said, Nanny, what will the tooth fairy do with my tooth?
And she was in organic pyjamas as well.
You know, the cotton ones from the white company.
She was in them.
And do you know what my mother said to her?
She said, she's going to take...
All your white teeth, and all my black teeth, and make a piano out of them.
And my daughter has had to sleep with a light on ever since.
It's like, she'd had her hair done, you know, when we'd been to Centre Parcs.
And my daughter had had, you know, one of them hair braids done.
You know, we wrapped the cotton round it.
And my mum said, oh, you used to have one of them.
She said, we just cut it out of your hair.
Because I had really long hair.
And my mum said, oh, I've still got it.
And I said, where is it?
And she said, have you ever noticed?
I said, what?
She said, oh, it's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet.
But she came to stay with me for, like, quite a few weeks.
Because she was looking after my daughter whilst I was working.
And just before she left, she said, can I just say,
you're bringing your daughter up a little bit precocious.
She said, you can tell you're on TV.
And it bothered me, you know.
She was like, maybe you're a bit too...
Too middle class with that.
And, do you know, I was bathing my daughter that night
and I was thinking about it.
I was like, come on then, it's time to get out then.
And my daughter just went, no, like that.
And I took, you know, the toys out and the water and stuff like that.
And, you know, she was shivering.
She was, like, cold.
I said, come on.
And every time I went to get her, she just went, no, like that.
And then it finally came out of me.
All my 80s upbringing.
All the fishwives and dockers.
And I said, right.
I said, well, for Christmas, all you're going to get in your sack
is two lumps of coal and a tangerine.
And it's going to get wrapped around you.
And it's going to get into your ribcage and rot your insides.
And if the wind changes, your face will stay like that.
There's children in Africa dying.
I said, are you going to get out now?
And she said, no.
And I said, do you want an olive?
And she said, yes.
And you've been a lovely audience.
Did you know?
Could you tell that you were lovely?
You were lovely.
You were lovely.
You are.
But I'm going to end now with just telling you.
So I did Would I Lie To You?
And do you know, I've done it twice now.
And do you know, I really enjoy doing the show.
Because I don't really like doing panel shows.
I get really nervous, but I really enjoy that one.
And when you first, like, do the, like, interview for it,
they make, like, a pack, you know, of all your, like, stories,
in case you do it again.
And she said, Lucy, we've never had so many stories.
Does that sound like a lie?
No.
And I said, will you book me again?
And she said, probably until you retire.
Which is amazing, isn't it?
Because there's so many I want to do.
Like, I hadn't done about, I was walking,
this is, they're all true.
I was walking down a street, and a crow landed on my head.
No, honestly, and I felt like its talons gripping.
And I thought, shit, it's trying to pick me up.
And another time, I was walking down the street,
and a slice of raw mushroom just fell out my sleeve.
And I don't even like mushrooms.
And another time, I was on the London Underground,
on the Northern Line, and I fell asleep,
and a gang of youths got on,
and partied a chocolate.
A chocolate wagon wheel, and stuck it to my forehead.
And that happened in 2010,
and I've been looking ever since,
has anyone else had that level of public humiliation?
And I finally saw it.
I did a gig, you know, in Glasgow,
and I went past this woman at a bus stop,
and she had, you know, one of them massive rollers?
Like, do you know, like there, in her hair?
And a boy on a bike went past and put a sausage through it,
and like, Pop Pops!
And I was laughing to some of her words.
It was the best moment I've ever heard about living in Glasgow.
My friend, you could not get that.
Lions appreciate their presence.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
You've been lovely.
Get home safe, won't you?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
With a round of applause for !
You've been lovely.
Thank you.