Lying and Stealing (2019) Movie Script

An accomplished
bank robber and escape artist,
Willie Sutton,
was once asked by a reporter
why he robbed banks.
Sutton remarked,
"Because that's
where the money is."
Hey, asshole!
And Sutton was right.
Money is in the bank.
But it's also in the wallets,
the shoeboxes, cookie jars,
and the private homes
of the unencumbered.
If Sutton were alive today,
he wouldn't be robbing banks.
He'd be robbing the wealthy.
They're cavalier, entitled,
and unsuspecting.
They'll hang a couple
of million dollars on the wall,
and invite everyone over
to get drunk.
- Potatoes with that?
- No.
Can I, uh, put this somewhere?
- Thrown it on the pile.
- Thanks.
Hey, uh, do you know
where the fellas are?
- By the piano.
- Oh. There they are.
Hey, man.
Can I, uh, get one of those?
Take this one.
- I understand.
- Yeah.
My grandson
likes this, too.
I'm teaching my grandson
magic now.
My wife calls it child abuse.
Take two fingers.
Like that. Give it a little tug.
Good job.
You loosened it up for me.
Now, I'll take this knot.
I want you to place it
in that young gentleman's hand,
and introduce yourselves.
That's you, son.
- Hi. I'm Marguerite.
- I'm Russell.
Do that here. Take that.
Next, uh, left hand up, okay?
And then the knot goes
in that hand, right there.
- Over the top, right?
- Oh, look at you.
You're perfect. Watch this.
Open your hand.
I love this part.
I'll take those.
You're killing me.
Here, you take those.
Thank you.
Is that your real name?
Yeah, of course.
- Really?
- No.
So, what brings you here
Uh, you know,
I just love poetry.
- What about you?
- Oh.
Yeah. It's my absolute
favorite thing ever.
Oh, yeah? What kinds?
I mean, epic, self-conscious,
limerick, haiku, free verse.
That is the form at its finest.
No, seriously, what are you...
What are you doing here?
I'm, uh...
I'm an art consultant.
What the fuck does that mean?
Holy shit.
I can't believe that works.
I'm a bit more shit-faced
than planned.
Surprise, surprise!
All right.
Fuck you very much, Michael.
Uh, as we all know,
Michael here has
a new book of poems.
A light smattering
of applause for poetry.
Everybody, if you wanna grab
your beverages,
and follow me out
to the pool house
where we can entice Michael
to read some poems.
Hold it. Hold it a minute.
One. One poem.
Two poems from Michael.
"One." I said, "One."
You heard me say "one," right?
I'm gonna get another,
uh, glass of red wine.
- Do you want something?
- Sure. What the hell?
I'll be outside.
All right. As negotiated,
I am going to read one poem.
I think he means two.
All right. I'll read two
if someone shuts
this asshole up.
Put your hands up!
You got me.
- Bang.
- Oh!
That was close.
What are you doing?
Uh... It's a rug.
Someone spilled some wine on it,
so I'm gonna take it
to the cleaners.
Where are my dads?
Your dads are...
Your dads are at the pool house.
Over there.
You wanna go...
You wanna go and see them?
- Yes.
- Okay.
How old are you?
I bet you're six, right?
- I'm four.
- You're four?
Wow! Now that is advanced.
Let's go see 'em.
Hey, uh...
Could you do me a favor?
- Okay.
- Great. Let's go.
"What is this labor?"
That guy told me
to bring you this.
Which guy?
That guy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
For the life...
to peel.
- What's in the bag?
- Huh.
You mean,
"Who's in the bag?" Right?
I need the key
for the one on the right.
- I got it!
- Thanks.
No problem.
Thank you for making it
so quickly.
Uh, I'm gonna just
get down to it.
- Sure.
- It's come to a point
where we can't really
keep up with him.
Right. Understood.
Yeah. We have to take
into consideration
the community at large.
We're a small group.
And, frankly, as much as we love
having Raymond around,
he's just...
a lot for us to handle,
as I'm...
- sure you're aware.
- Yeah. No.
No, no, of course. Um...
Can you give me an indication
of, of his behavior,
what he's doing?
Yes, but, uh...
First, here are his papers
and some of his drawings.
I think he has everything else
with him.
It's the prostitutes.
I'm sorry?
Well, he's bribing
the security guards,
stockpiling lithium,
Adderall, and Xylo-Pfan,
and trading that to prostitutes
who give him barbiturates.
Yeah. They're...
They're prostitutes?
We're a municipal volunteer
halfway house.
We do what we can, but...
we're in the middle of the city.
Yeah, of course.
I'm really sorry.
He's a lovely guy
to have around,
but with these fragile people,
it's just...
- It's too dangerous.
- Mm-hm.
I have a feeling
your brother will be just fine.
You wanna hear a joke?
Why the fuck not?
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
That's awful.
This is my stop.
All right, man.
You take care.
Yep. You too.
Do you wanna
eat something?
You heard about Dad?
We should probably
have a funeral.
It sucks.
Well, how about, um...
a moment of silence?
- Sure. Mm-hm.
- Sound nice?
How many more moments
do you wanna do?
What's the matter with you, man?
Nothing. You just had a moment.
That was a moment
of silence here.
I'm trying to say goodbye
to my father.
Is something going on with you?
- No.
- You mad at me?
- No.
- You worried about me?
You don't have to be worried
about me.
- I'm not worried.
- I can take care of myself,
- or we're doomed.
- I... I'm not worried about you.
You know what?
I'm gonna do something for you.
- Yeah. What?
- I want you to listen to me.
All right?
- Oh, god!
- Just hear me out on this stuff.
Oh. All right.
Diazepam. Right?
Any of the benzos.
These are very helpful
if you need
just a little bit of relief.
All right?
All right. Then you got
your dextroamphetamines.
Now, this is the stuff they gave
the super soldiers in Vietnam.
All right? This is a very
practical, 48-hour solution
for the situations that,
you know,
require a little bit
more attention.
- Okay?
- Sounds perfect.
- Think about it.
- Okay.
- I'll think about it.
- That's... You can only, that...
That, you can just get by
with just a half.
I'll think about it.
Did you steal the orphans'
collection can off the counter?
Oh, yeah. Maybe.
- Eagle eyes.
- Mm-hm.
You want me to, uh...
That'd probably be best, right?
Hi. Uh, sir,
I just, uh...
managed to, uh,
apprehend the charity tin
from that, uh...
corner. The table there
of the... the punk rockers.
You might wanna check
the kitty. That feels...
I don't know.
A little bit light to me.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, son.
I mean, well, well, well.
You gotta jiggle the handle.
Excuse me! I mean...
Anyway, this is you.
Well, it's not much,
but it should do for now. Okay?
You got a list
of the local amenities, man?
Maybe a... a map of the area.
My wife and I were just thinking
about taking a quick tour.
It's temporary.
All right?
We're gonna find you something
better, but, you know...
You can't stay here.
I'm seeing someone, and...
she comes here
from time to time.
Oh, from time to time?
You're not seeing anybody.
You're not seeing anybody.
Uh, yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Actually, yes, I am.
you just said "actually"
while closing your eyes.
That's a tell.
Also, there's not tampons
or extra toothbrush
in the bathroom.
You know what, I think...
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get out of here.
No, no, don't do that.
Don't do that.
- Don't do that, Ray.
- Hey, I'm kidding.
Where else am I gonna go?
Look, I'm, I'm grateful
for even one night here.
Thank you.
Put it in the vise.
- Uh...
- Put it in the vise.
Okay. Good.
Come here.
Okay. Okay. We're good, man.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okeydokey.
Okay. That's enough.
All right. Yeah.
No prostitutes.
I like that.
All right, that's it.
We gotta wrap it up for today.
That's it.
Can I help you?
Yeah. Uh, I'm meeting someone.
Do you have a reservation?
Hmm... Namath.
Oh, it looks like
you're the first to arrive.
You can have a seat at the bar,
and I'll get you set up.
- Ivan.
- Mm.
Glass of red wine.
Any particular type?
Yeah, in a glass.
Red. Down there.
- Got it.
- Thanks.
So, uh, you got the money, yeah?
Yeah. I gave it
to one of your guys.
So, what are we, uh...
What are we doing here?
I wanted to talk.
Oh, yeah?
About, uh...
About what exactly?
Well, uh...
by my count, we're close.
Yeah, we're close.
Absolutely. I mean, I have to
check a little more carefully.
Your father was into me
for quite a bit.
He used to sit right up there
at that bar, your old man,
every day with his rice pudding
and the Daily Racing Form.
Never missed a day.
You never got the bug for that?
It's not for me, but look.
Uh, I think I have two more.
Two more, then I'm done.
Then I'm out.
You might take it easy. I'll
take your word for it, okay?
- Take it easy.
- We talked about this.
No, no. You talked about this.
You talked about it, Ivan.
So, your little shoebox
is full now? That's adorable.
Let me explain something to you
that your father
explained to me.
You have to make hay
while the sun shines.
You understand
what that means?
Yeah. How'd that work out
for him?
It's a game of discipline.
There are certain forms
that have to be observed.
Of course, you get that.
One little heart attack
years ago,
I have to take
these fucking horse pills
the whole rest of my life.
Excuse me.
You look like shit.
No, I'm okay.
I'm just not sleeping.
Stop smoking.
Best thing I ever did.
Yeah, I tried that.
I quit two years ago.
So, start smoking.
Fuck do I know?
Look, I got a busy day
ahead of me, okay?
I promise you,
I'm gonna check into
your dad's ticket, all right?
There's something you need
to understand, Ivan.
I trust you.
That's what this is based on.
I love you. I mean,
you're like a son to me.
That's why it's so important
to me that you succeed.
Yeah, and I, and I get that,
and I appreciate everything
you've done for me,
but I'm not gonna do
this forever. I need a number.
You're gonna get
a fucking number, okay.
Keep your pants on, all right?
It's rather complicated.
There's things involved
you don't understand.
I have to work in your
father's vig, all right?
All right? Off you go.
- How you doing?
- Can I help you?
Just meeting
a friend for lunch.
Name for the reservation?
- Can I help you with that?
- No.
Thank you.
Follow me.
Yeah, last week,
it was a little bit nuts...
I'll back that up for you.
Last spot on the left.
Hey, man.
I just dropped someone off.
Can I use your bathroom?
The bathroom for the help
is over here.
Great, thanks.
You're following me.
Yeah, of course.
You've, uh, changed
something though.
Can't figure it out.
What are you doing here?
Uh, it is a big,
big charity event.
What charity is that?
Oh, it's the one, you know,
everyone's talking about.
It's uh...
They're helping out with
all sorts of stuff. You know?
...water, literacy,
- dolphins.
- Mmm. Dolphins.
Yeah. No, I...
- I love that charity. Of course.
- Right.
I, um, actually have a favor
to ask you,
but I have to pee, so...
- just wait.
- Mm-hm.
Can you hear me peeing?
Mm. Gross. Get farther away.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
So, um, I came here,
obviously, for charity.
- Obviously.
- Thank you.
And, um, because this, uh,
Italian producer guy is making
this thing I want a part in.
But, um, he's just sort of
hitting on me.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
So I, I told him that
my boyfriend was coming.
What's the part?
It's, um, too embarrassing
to talk about.
Come on. It's gonna be
a lot easier for me
to be your fake boyfriend
if I knew something
about the part.
Okay. Well, it's an Italian
horror film,
and I play a witch bride.
Doesn't sound so bad.
I'm naked for three-fourths
of the movie.
Ah! A genre picture.
Will you, um...
be my fake boyfriend or not?
Let's see
if we can spot him, eh?
- Okay.
- Hm.
Is, uh...
that him, six o'clock?
- How'd you do that?
- I don't know.
Just seems like him.
Yeah, but there are a lot
of candidates here.
Only three Italian ones.
That guy, and he's not a creep.
He's almost dead.
And that guy through there,
and that seems pretty obvious.
What about that guy?
- That guy's Jewish.
- How do you know that?
Okay. That's very impressive.
- Bingo!
- Hmm.
Here comes your boy.
Okay. He thinks
I'm half-Italian.
- You speak Italian?
- Sure. Not really.
- Ah, Giovanni!
- Bella!
Tutto bene, Giovanni.
- Bellissimo.
- Buonosera. Ivan.
- Ah, parli Italiano?
- Un pochissimo.
- Ah!
- Is that right?
Ah, Giovanni
and I were talking earlier
about how beautiful
Paul's house is.
It is gorgeous. Yeah.
Very beautiful.
Uh, how come you, uh, know Paul?
I know Paul
through Marguerite who...
- Uh, Elyse. Through me. Elyse.
- Ah.
Uh, and I introduced you to Paul
at a party in New York.
- Yeah, that party in New York.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- I remember it very well, yes.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, Paul. Lovely guy.
- He's kind of...
- Super tall.
- Really tall.
- Altissimo.
Paul. Altissimo. , s.
Paul, grande, eh?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah. Eh, so, uh,
friend of friend. Mm.
- Yeah.
- S.
Now, um...
The artwork...
- So-so.
- Hm.
Hm, that's a Modigliani.
Is he here?
Uh, I think he's dead.
Oh, good!
Um... Well, I, uh,
leave you alone, eh? Huh?
Salute, salute.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Grazie.
- My pleasure.
- Thank you so much.
- Giovanni.
Oh, these hands, eh?
Mine disappear.
A big sailor, right?
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I like the look of that room.
You want to check it out?
You, uh, you want a game?
- Yeah.
- How about, uh...
Hundred bucks?
How about a thousand?
A thousand?
Why not?
You're not really good, are you?
You're full of shit.
Six hundred. That's all I got.
Uh, can you loosen this?
Is that famous?
Yeah. That's Philip Guston.
Mid-'40s, I think.
he was an abstract painter,
and then became more figurative.
More political.
Hated Nixon.
Is it, um...
worth anything?
I don't know.
So why are you making
Italian horror movies?
You, um, you know
who Aton Eisenstat is?
- I do not.
- He's a Hollywood producer.
He's about as big
as they get.
Remember how they used
to say, uh...
"You'll never work
in this town again, kid"?
Well, he says it,
and he means it.
I met him
at an award show party.
He was funny.
I had been in two
or three movies.
And I was on some list
called "Actresses to Watch."
I was a bit drunk, and...
he told me we were going
to an after-party at his house.
I was young, and I just...
I didn't know better.
There was no after-party.
I, um, I hid in the bathroom
while he banged on the door,
and then, as soon as I heard him
on the phone,
I bounced.
Side pocket.
I think...
I just got hustled.
Maybe, or I, um, I got lucky.
Can you, um...
How do I look?
Ah, there you are, Bella.
I look for you everywhere.
Big house.
Thank you, sweetie.
I'll see you in there.
Indeed, sweetheart.
You kids have a great time.
I want to introduce you
to my rich friend...
Ah, s. Grazie.
Que bello.
- Ivano.
- Hm?
Ah, un amico, vuoi un cocktail,
vino, champagne?
- Okay.
- Aspettiamo.
Oh, Jonka!
- Hey.
- Hey. Come on.
- Gentlemen.
- Ivan!
- Come on in.
- Jesus.
I don't wanna hear any of this.
I'm trying to run
a real estate business here.
We are trying to run a business.
There wouldn't be any business
without me.
The clowns don't run the circus.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Philip Guston.
- Beautiful!
- Mm-hm.
Looks like a kid did it.
My brother is a dilettante.
You and me, we understand.
"You and I."
How much do you think
it's worth?
Hmm... It's hard to say.
I think at an auction house,
up to five.
But privately,
between one and two.
What did we say your end was?
We said 30K, right?
We said 50.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
Believe me, you're gonna get
all your money.
Pay attention. I have something
else for you. Another job,
kind of special.
This is the self-portrait
of Adolf Hitler.
First thing
he ever did.
Who's the client?
Benny Green, Power View.
I guess he wants
to burn it or something.
Ah, I get it. Who owns it?
This guy, John Wolfe.
He lives deep in the Sierras
up by Mammoth.
This guy made...
wheelbarrows full of money
in textiles,
and then he wound up buying
half of Manhattan.
He owns a very
considerable collection
of Nazi war memorabilia.
Now as you or may not know,
Hitler fancied himself
an artist.
He applied to the Institute.
He got rejected.
And I think we know
the end of that story.
So where does he keep it?
On his property.
What's the security like?
Well, that's the thing.
What's the thing?
The thing is,
there really is no security.
I mean, there's no alarm,
there's no surveillance.
It's just him...
living alone
with these two dogs.
He keeps the Nazi stuff
in this kind of a war room
because he holds a lot
of media mogul shit up there.
And the whole thing
would be, uh...
for want of a better word,
sort of verboten, you know?
- Oh, yeah?
- And listen.
This one is big.
I mean, big.
You bring the Hitler to me,
you do one more little job,
a candy from a baby thing,
and that's it.
You and me are done.
Actually done?
Like totally
and completely done.
All right. Uh...
What's... What's my cut?
This guy is an absolute nut.
He will do anything
to get this piece.
$500,000. I'm in
and then I'm out. We're done.
Well, there is something
you should know.
Okay, what?
Back when he was in Nam,
Wolfe liked to sleep
in the nude.
So, one night, Charlie rolls
a bunch of grenades
into this DMZ camp...
Wolfe grabs two Browning 9 mm.
He slips out of his tent.
He executes 11 VC personally.
Thirteen bullets
in each clip. That's 26 bullets.
Eleven dead. Two shots a piece.
One to the chest,
one to the head.
He only misfired four bullets.
All in the dead of night.
Totally in the nude.
This guy's got Purple Hearts.
He's got Silver Stars.
You love that part
about him being nude.
Fuck you.
It was in Time magazine.
How's the blood pressure?
How does it look?
Like you swallowed
a grenade.
I haven't done any blow
in over a year.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Yeah. I know. Later.
Okay. I gotta
hit the head before I go.
- Hold on one second.
- Wait! No...
That one is...
- out of commission.
- No, no, it's fine.
It's okay.
He could use that once.
I had a little bloody nose
back in there before.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, I saw that.
Come home and see the old man?
Yeah. That's right.
Long time ago.
Andrew Wyeth, 1950.
First job your father ever did
for me, actually.
I put it up in his honor.
Something tells me you think
you should own it.
No, I didn't say that.
You didn't have to.
You've got that vindictive,
moralistic look on your face.
I feel it.
You know what?
I'm sorry
about your father. Truly.
But that's spilled milk already.
No use in crying
over it now, right?
We really should get to work.
What the fuck?
Michael, get the fuck down here
right now!
So, this here's
the original, huh?
How long before you knew
it was missing?
I see.
I'm sorry. Um...
Do you think you're gonna
be able to find this?
I doubt it.
I mean,
it'll resurface somewhere.
Gray market, usually.
There's a 2% recovery rate
for high-profile pieces.
Oh, well, that's encouraging.
Yeah. It's basically
shaking parts
outta sheets at this point.
We'd have an easier time
finding the tooth fairy.
Hey, look,
I know you spoke to the LAPD,
but I'm gonna ask you
one more time.
Anybody at this party
we don't know?
Say, uh...
caterers, valet, uh, staff?
I mean, these things
are usually inside baseball.
No. No, we knew everyone.
It was all of our regulars.
Excuse me.
Who's the guy
who can fix the rug?
What's that now, dear?
Who's the guy who took the rug?
He told me to bring a drink
to that lady.
Mr. Brooks,
do you suppose you could provide
me with a guest list?
Burning the midnight oil?
- It's seven o'clock.
- Yeah. No shit it is.
Kings tickets. On the glass.
And I'm late.
Suck it!
Jive-ass motherfucker.
- Hello.
- Hi.
It's Elyse.
Uh, hey.
Can I come up?
Uh, of course. Yeah, uh, yup.
Fuck. Shit.
Yeah, I'm buzzing you.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I, um,
I scratched on my eight ball.
Ah. You did.
I thought
we could talk about it.
Sure, we can talk about it.
Yeah, um, how did you...
- How did you find me?
- Oh, um...
I, uh, looked in
your wallet that night.
Oh, okay, nice. Shit, um...
Rematch? Down the street,
great bar, great table.
- Sure, yeah.
- Great. Okay.
- Okay.
- Just give me one second.
Stay right there.
Like in the hallway? Don't...
- Mm-hm.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- That's... okay.
- Mm.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
something I was thinking about
this, uh, Aton guy,
you know, the dickhead producer.
I don't get it.
I mean, he's blackmailing you
because you turned him down?
Am I missing something?
Well, I may have left out
the epilogue.
I, um, I did something dumb.
Probably out of shame or spite.
I stole
the sweetest little necklace
off of Mrs. Eisenstadt's vanity.
Yeah. I also did something else.
I don't think married women
like finding other girls'
panties in their hamper.
Anyway, um, it turned out to be
one of those award show loaners.
It was worth 250,000.
Problem was I sold it
to a Serbian named Milos
for $50,000.
Two weeks later, Aton calls me
and says I'd stolen
from the wrong guy
and I owe him $250,000.
And when I said, "Or what?"
he said,
"You'll never work
in this town again, kid."
The next thing you know,
your manager has dropped you,
your agent
won't call you back, and...
you're stripping in Palmdale.
- Where's Palmdale?
- Exactly.
It's off the 14.
So, can you buy your way out?
That's what I've been
trying to do.
One Italian horror movie
at a time.
I, um, I still owe him $200,000,
or as he likes to say,
"400 million lira."
You, um, you don't happen
to have that
lying around, do you?
Not in lira, no.
That was a good game.
You win fair and square.
No, no. Keep it. We're even.
- Hm.
- Um,
there is one thing, though,
and you know, hear me out.
This may sound
a little crazy, but...
would you be interested
in helping me out, uh...
you know, returning
the fake boyfriend favor?
- How so?
- Well,
you're an actress, right?
- Sure.
- Well,
would you be interested in
becoming a potential home buyer
in the greater Costa Mesa area?
Absolutely not,
but it sounds like
that's the part.
Yeah, that's the part.
I feel like there's something
you're not telling me.
What's, um, in the house?
Now, I gotta figure out
if there's something
in there or not.
Next weekend.
And, um, how should I dress?
Well, you should dress like
someone who wants to buy a house
in Costa Mesa, I guess.
That's helpful. Good game.
I'll see you then.
I'm just gonna hang here.
You know,
You wanna hear a funny story?
Have a peek at that.
What is this?
the Larchmont Charter.
It's the best. You gotta read
your local paper, Ivan.
North of the crease,
east of the fold.
A 40-year-old fella found dead
in the L.A. River.
No history of drugs. No priors.
Beaten, tortured.
Shot in the head. No survivors.
Skip to the last paragraph.
Went to Cal Arts.
Worked at the museums.
Do you know him?
- Never seen him before.
- Huh.
Anyway, uh, I gotta finish this
and then get back to work.
You gotta punch the clock, huh?
Back to the salt mines.
Nose to the stones.
Is that right?
Exactly. What the fuck
are you asking me, Ray?
I don't know, man. I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I haven't been around,
but this seems to me
like maybe you're trying
to clean up one of Dad's messes.
Yeah? Well, I think
that's the way it works.
Got it. Well... your local paper.
Keep your head on a swivel.
And here.
- Look what I dug up.
- What the fuck is that?
Dad's gun.
Why the fuck
have you got Dad's gun?
I don't want that.
Well, now, see,
I do, but I don't think
I'm the one
that really needs it.
You know how to use that?
Manual's in the box.
How's your German?
Mine's a bit rusty.
I think it goes the other way.
Oh, by the way,
there's a fella in a Crown Vic
on the corner there.
He's been there all morning.
Probably nothin'.
- Big blind?
- Sure.
How much behind?
- 500.
- Chips, 500.
Thank you.
Continue, five.
To your right.
Uh, raise. Make it 110.
- Raise 100?
- All in.
The lady is all in.
I'll fold.
Looks like
it's up to you, sir.
I'm laying the deal.
He calls.
Run 'em.
Good luck, everybody.
Set of kings wins.
Can I get one of those?
Good luck. Bad beat.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Hey, little lady.
You watchin' or you playin'?
Well, I don't know.
What should I do?
I think you oughta play.
Why don't you come over here
and let Big Daddy show you
- how to do this, all right?
- All right.
- Now, you blow on them dice.
- Oh, okay.
- That's it. All right.
- Uh-huh.
Gimme a yo, Adrian.
Here we go. Comin' out now.
Comin' out.
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about!
No, whoa, whoa, where you going?
- You're my good luck.
- Oh.
You don't need good luck.
You know I don't.
Gimme a drink over here.
Come on now.
All right. Comin' out again.
Hot potatoes!
- Hey, Janice.
- Hey.
I'd use the north exit.
Yeah. The front's crawling
with security.
All right. Thank you.
How are you?
Every day
is better than the last.
I feel
the exact same way.
All right, girl.
Good luck.
You too.
Your money is in there.
That parking's
reserved for executives.
They'll tell you.
Great dress.
Bet it looked better last night.
Yo, you got 'em?
How'd it go?
Well, I'm alive.
So, where is Hitler? You're
walking with both arms swinging.
Yeah. That's, uh...
That's what I wanted to
talk to you about.
I don't like the sound of this.
There was a... complication.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the FBI.
They're on to me.
One agent in particular.
No! No, no, no! Goddamn it, no!
This is not the way this goes.
Did you talk to this guy?
No, of course,
I didn't talk to him.
So, how do you know for sure
that he's FBI?
Because he has
a government license plate,
and he doesn't exactly look
like a census worker.
Jesus fucking Christ.
What is this?
This is me.
And I am telling you
that you are gonna come clean,
100%, right fucking now.
I didn't talk to him.
I would never do that.
Why are you pointing
a gun in my face?
You are making me
point this gun in your face.
Aren't you forgetting something,
- Where is Hitler?
- I have him.
Why didn't you bring him?
Why isn't he here?
For insurance.
You do realize you're kind of
out of your depth here, right?
Yeah, I'm becoming
more aware of that.
Listen to me.
There was never gonna be
any kind of shooting at all.
This was me, testing you.
- Believe me, it's all fine.
- Okay.
It's fine.
It... It's...
It's for the splatter.
There was never gonna be
any fucking splatter.
Okay, I'm getting outta here.
Wait! Wait!
What is this?
That is your last hurrah.
I've made you
a shitload of money.
I'm letting you out
the back door,
which is something I do not do.
Get me that sculpture
that's being fenced
in that safe house.
You bring me Hitler,
and that's it. That's it.
We call it a day.
It's The Nose by Giacometti.
You know it?
Never heard of it. No.
Well, it's a big deal.
Take care.
Hey, man.
How's the hash?
That shit was good.
But you should know.
It's your joint.
Seems like you wanna talk.
I didn't think you'd spot me
with this disguise.
Lyman Wilkers, FBI.
No need to introduce yourself,
Mr. Warding.
- I've taken the liberty.
- Mm-hm.
Why are you following me?
I'm not following you.
I'm watching you.
There's a big difference.
If I was following you,
I'd need taps, surveillance,
signatures from judges.
Well, it kinda seems like
you're following me.
- I'll have a coffee.
- You got it.
Look, you're better at this
than me,
so I'll just come clean.
You mind if I come clean?
Please do.
It's not hard to find you.
You get ten dipshits
on the Internet,
and you can find the 50
or 60 guys
who install art
for a living around here.
Let's see here.
Worked for
two private install firms, uh,
and Montrose Partners,
a couple of museums
after art school.
And you wanna know the truth?
It was an eyewitness.
There is nothin'
like an eyewitness.
Even if it's just a kid.
It's not a bad likeness,
if you ask me.
They got a little fat
in the cheeks, but, uh,
I think that's
the sketch artist's fault.
Not hers.
Yeah, probably.
What are you asking me?
I've been a field agent
for 17 years, and...
I've hit what they call
the black ceiling.
I think it's time for a change.
something inside
with a less municipal car,
and, um...
Fuck it, I'm just gonna say it.
No more petty shakedowns
with shitheaps like yourself.
In the past three years, you
and your pals have taken down
over $75 million
in gray market art.
Here's the thing.
I don't care
if you think you got this
tighter than a nun's cunt,
- you gonna slip up.
- Mm-hm.
It might not be you.
It might be a...
unstable girlfriend,
or a bipolar brother.
But there's always a crack.
Did I mention I've been
doin' this for 17 years?
Yeah. You did.
That's twice,
and as far as I can tell,
you have my resum
and the testimony
of a four-year-old girl.
Oh, Ivan.
I don't seem to remember
telling you she was four.
Just a good guess,
I suppose.
What do you want from me?
Let's get
one thing straight.
You're useless.
I don't care about you.
You mean nothin' to me.
and that's with a capital U,
you can deliver me
the man with the plan.
'Cause if not,
it's gonna be my foot
in your ass.
You still got a fax machine?
Fuck you.
Well, like I said,
great kitchen.
Great for cooking meals.
And the house, I mean,
unlike a lot of the homes
in Costa Mesa,
- hasn't been touched in years.
- Mm.
So, a lot of potential.
I see it. It's beautiful.
We lost your boyfriend.
Um, he'll resurface.
He always does.
- Oh, okay.
- I love your shoes, by the way.
- Oh, my god, thank you.
- They're beautiful.
Nordstrom Rack.
- No.
- Yes!
So, anyway, real opportunity
to do something special here.
My boyfriend is impossible.
I don't know where he is.
- I'm so sorry.
- I heard that.
- Oh, hello.
- Hey.
Well, if it was up to me,
I'd be calling the movers,
but you know men. He's gonna hem
and haw for two and three weeks.
- It's true.
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much, Melanie.
- Oh.
Thank you, Candace.
Great to meet you. Thank you.
- It was a pleasure, Terry.
- Uh-huh.
You're such a cute couple.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
All right. Have a good day.
- Thanks. Take care.
- We'll be in touch.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Did you find anything?
Well, I'm definitely
getting set up.
Is that good?
Well, it's good to know.
Did you like the house?
I didn't love it. You?
No, I thought it was smelly.
It was probably the carpet.
Yeah. I mean,
definitely the carpet.
- Right.
- Yeah.
So, um, I've been meaning
to ask you.
What, um...
What happened to that painting?
Uh, which painting?
Guston, the abstract painter
that got political.
Simple palate.
Hated Nixon.
- Sense of humor.
- Hm.
Yeah, that was in the news...
- Hmm.
- ...Ivan.
And when I asked you about
how much it was worth,
you said you didn't know,
so, you're a liar.
No, that's not
technically a lie.
What happened to it?
You should only ask questions
you want answers for.
They're gonna kill me.
Who's gonna kill you,
the homeowner?
No, no. Not the homeowner.
She's a museum trustee.
She's sweet. She's old.
No. The Greek.
I work for him.
He's gonna kill me.
- The Greek?
- Yeah.
Jesus, what is this,
Port Charles?
What are you
gonna do about it?
Well, it's complicated,
but, uh, I think...
I think
I'm gonna kill him first.
Well, holy fucking shit.
That's complicated.
Yeah. It's a little complex.
Too much?
Um, uh, sort of.
Yeah, I just...
What choice do I have,
you know?
what are the options?
My options are die or not die.
Okay. Die or not die, huh.
All right. Well, I want in.
What are you talking about?
- I want in.
- You want in for what?
- Well, I don't want you to die.
- Well, that's very sweet of you.
Come on. You could use my help.
No, I'm... I'm good, I think.
Okay. You're being an asshole.
You, you could use my help.
What the fuck makes you think
I want your help?
I'm not asking for it,
so I don't want it.
No, no, of course.
Fuck you!
You know what...
Wait, wait, wait!
Just wait. Wait, wait.
Wait, please.
I'm sorry.
Say it again.
I'm sorry.
And I am actually sorry.
I'm really sorry.
You said enough.
What if I said
I do need your help?
I mean,
I'd say you were right.
And you should say it.
I need you.
Well, you're right.
That's better.
I, um, I do need a cut.
- There it is!
- I mean, you knew it was coming.
- Yeah, I guess I kinda did.
- Hmm.
- Uh, hello.
- Hm.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ray Warding.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Elyse.
- Not at all.
- Pleasure to meet you, Elyse.
- Nice to meet you.
- Raymond.
- Morning.
You're here. That's great.
- Indeed, I am.
- You met Elyse, Ray?
- Yeah, we just met.
- Mm.
Yeah. Um, hi, Raymond.
My parole officer
calls me Raymond.
You please call me Ray.
Ray. You know, I'm...
I'm gonna go get dressed.
No, no, no. Stay here.
I'm gonna get outta your hair
because I am on my way to work.
Nice to meet you.
- Enchant.
- All right.
- You good?
- I'm good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
All right.
Ciao ciao.
- Bye.
- Ciao.
That's my brother.
I thought he'd be gone by now.
Hmmm. He's, um,
he's off to work.
Well, probably going to a bar
for the next 11 hours
to bet on horses
and then get shitfaced.
- Huh.
- He's staying with me
for a while until he gets back
on his feet.
What, uh,
what took him off his feet?
bipolar disorder,
class three narcotics,
William Gibson novels.
That, and my mother left
when he was six,
and the old man
died in prison. So...
Ah, that's rough.
- I get it.
- Yeah.
Family. Yay!
I, um, I have to feed my cat.
- You got a cat?
- Yup.
Didn't figure you
for a cat lady.
Just because I have a cat
doesn't make me a cat lady.
Well, that is true.
- What's it called?
- Cat Stevens.
You got a cat
called Cat Stevens?
You're gonna have to change
his name.
Hm, what,
when it converts to Islam?
You know, uh,
I could just take it all back.
I don't think you can put
toothpaste back in the tube.
You know, I may have said a...
teensy little bit too much
last night,
but honestly,
- this isn't your problem.
- Hmm.
This wasn't my problem,
and now it is.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
Thank you.
Yeah. Hi. This is Ray.
It's his brother. Uh...
We had an unexpected guest.
Scary-looking guy.
I got some ideas.
- This is part one?
- Mm-hm. This is part one.
I've just got to get the phone.
You're not gonna tell
me part two?
Nope. Not yet.
Well, okay. Fuck it.
Now listen. This is your shit.
I ain't gonna hate Kool-Aid
in there and save your ass.
I know.
Uh, you gonna let me out?
Oh, this door is broken.
You gotta work the handle.
Pull it up.
Up? Pull this thing up here?
- All right.
- Work it.
- There you go.
- Great.
There's some
ol' country-ass shit here.
He like he tryin' to set up
for an inquisition.
He's our meal ticket, though.
Look, he say he's in there
tryin' to steal
this guy's phone.
Watch his ass.
I don't trust him.
He's a goddamn thief.
All right. You think
you can get him to Laguna?
How do I know who he is?
Well, he's
the biggest creep in the bar.
- Don't fuck me on this.
- I won't.
I promise. I'll be there.
Fucking heel is broken.
Excuse my French, but I
just fucking got these shoes,
and they're broken.
Who's the manufacturer?
You say that like you're gonna
take a hit out on them.
I believe you.
You, um...
You think I can
go barefoot in here?
Well, you look like you could do
pretty much whatever you want.
Can I, um, see what
red wines you have by the glass?
You know what, maybe
you'd like to try this one.
I've got more than
I can handle here.
You look like you can
handle plenty, but, um,
sure, I'll, uh, I'll try it.
What kind is it?
It's an Italian red.
I don't really...
know too much about wines.
David, fetch her a glass,
would you please?
Of course.
I think you might enjoy it.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
I'm Karen.
Anyone ever tell you
you look like a...
movie star?
Um, well, my mother used to say
I looked like Audrey Hepburn
if, um,
Audrey Hepburn was a bitch.
I think your mom
and my dad would get along.
It's really good.
From Corsica,
I just order the expensive ones
that he recommends.
I don't really know too much
about them.
They all kind of taste like
Robitussin to me.
It's supposed to be
good for you. I don't know.
Well, if you say so.
- What do you do?
- Mm.
I'm an art consultant.
What does that mean?
You know, I... I help people
with their collections. I mean,
for example, I hook up buyers
with rare pieces.
Stuff like that.
How about you? What do you do?
Well, I am an actress,
um, but...
please don't ask me
if you've seen me in anything.
That's what
everybody asks?
Oh, yeah. I, um...
I just tell them I was
in Forrest Gump. It's easier.
Were you?
So, um, you're just eating
at the bar alone?
- Not anymore.
- Hmm.
What about you?
Oh, uh, I was going to meet
some producer
about a movie, but he's...
an hour late, so...
He wants to put you
in a picture?
Oh, and I think he wants
to put me in his pants.
- I understand.
- Mm-hm.
Excuse me just one second.
No, of course not.
That's fine.
Yeah, you too.
Piece of shit.
You all right?
- What happened?
- Well...
I mean,
with the producer.
He stood me up.
Such a prick. He sends a car
for me in Laguna Beach,
and then he doesn't show.
I'm so sick of this shit.
What's, um... What's that?
Nothing. It's, uh, just a deal
that went through.
Good for you.
Do you wanna go for a ride
in my limousine?
Sure. Sure, I do.
You have other plans?
No, I don't have any
other plans.
Well, what are you
laughing at then?
Well, I mean, you were
in fucking Forrest Gump.
You're flirting.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Will you...
go for a ride in my...
chauffeured limousine?
Yeah. That'll be fine.
Not just fine.
Fuck, yes.
Where we going, beautiful?
I'm housesitting for these
rich people in Laguna Beach.
So, you have to be nice.
- Laguna?
- Yeah.
The driver will wait
and bring you back.
All right. Let's go.
Don't you want your steak?
I can get a steak tomorrow.
All right.
You know, the log
on this guy is strange.
How so?
He's either got an alias
with the same last name.
Fuck, fuck.
He's a twin.
Our guy's got no idea.
There's two of them in there?
Oh, holy shit!
This kid is straight fucked.
Should we move?
We're not here.
What if they kill him?
Well then, he's dead.
What the fuck?
Not too bad, right?
Not bad.
Why don't you come in with us?
It's your dime.
You've had some good wines.
Who lives here?
Well, just a friend.
It's my job to take out
the trash, water the plants.
- You want wine?
- Yeah, sure.
I don't know anything
about it, so...
Let's do this one. It's old.
Yeah, '84.
will you open that for us?
Yeah, sure thing.
Decant that. It's fuckin' old.
Keep it in your pants, sir.
What did you say?
I said I'm keen to decant, sir.
Excuse me. Do I, do I recognize
you from the track?
What now?
Why don't you put on some music,
and I'll be right back.
Who you calling, Karen?
Oh, I'm texting my roommate.
I got it.
Why is the phone so important?
'Cause now I'm dead.
You're gonna have your guy
in the morning.
Just keep those guys
off me, all right?
You got it.
None of this ever happened.
I don't know you.
You don't know me. Got it?
Thank you, Agent Wilkers.
About time
you showed some respect.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, tell me somethin'.
How'd you know
the sculpture wasn't here?
It's in the permanent collection
of the Guggenheim.
Well, look at you.
Art school.
Come on.
Here you go.
Let's let it breathe.
Shall we?
Whatever you say.
So how about you tell me
why you brought me here?
Well, why don't you tell me
why you came?
it was the best deal
on the table at the time.
And what exactly did you think
that deal was?
Well, I think maybe
you've got a daddy issue or two,
and I think
maybe you thought that
I could make everything
all better.
Maybe you're right.
I am right.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I am right.
I've got money. You like that.
Maybe you like the fact
that I carry a gun.
Is that real?
Do me a favor.
Put those feet up here
on the couch.
Let me get
a really good chance to...
to look at them, okay?
You're a little scary.
You have no idea.
Just kind of rub them together.
Gently back and forth,
like a good girl.
Like you mean it.
Is that better?
You promised
you'd be nice, remember?
Oh, I'll be nice, Karen.
You did say it was Karen, right?
I called you by your name before
and you missed it.
When somebody says "Dimitri,"
I turn right around
just like a shot.
Do me a favor
and step on in here
for a moment, please.
I need you to settle
a bet for me.
- Uh...
- About my cologne.
- Excuse me?
- I'm just asking you man to man
for your honest opinion.
Tell me, do you find my scent
I think you smell great.
I appreciate that.
That's very kind,
but I don't think
you could give it
a really thorough opinion
unless you get up close.
Just smell my neck.
I am truly...
the least qualified person to...
smell you.
Smell my fucking neck.
Please, don't make a big deal.
Why not? Sure.
Right here.
That's all. No big deal.
Just give it a sniff.
You're a fucking loser
like your father was.
You son of a bitch!
Fucking family.
Oh, fuck!
Strip down.
All right.
Stand up.
Right on top of me.
Right here.
Let me tell you a little bit
how I work. Okay?
See, I get a text message
on my phone...
...whenever a job's
been completed.
I'm a very big Jets fan.
I mean, I know they suck,
but, uh, what can I say,
they're my team.
While we were
in the restaurant,
I got one of those text messages
from my friend, Anatoli.
It meant that
your little pal, Ivan,
is not gonna come blasting
through the door anytime soon.
I mean, that was the plan,
It's really too bad
he's laying dead
by the side of the road
in Costa Mesa right now.
Fuck you.
You're Nostradamus, baby.
You see the fucking future.
- It's all right, honey.
- Fuck you.
- You okay?
- I'm okay now.
Hey, big boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't move. Don't fucking move.
All right.
I think I understand
what's going on here.
What's supposed to happen.
You handcuff me to the wall.
You phone in some anonymous tip.
It's like I was stealing
some artwork, correct?
Something like that.
That's an Egon Schiele
on the wall, right?
- Yep.
- That's a nice piece.
I take the fall.
You guys get away clean.
That's it.
All right.
...are a snake in the grass.
- Fuck.
- Hey!
If I were you, I'd put
the weapon down right now.
In fact, let me give you
a little extra motivation.
- Okay?
- Oh, my god.
You know what, Dimitri,
fuck you!
- Don't!
- Just shut up, Ray.
Ivan, wait!
- Shut the fuck up, Ray.
- Just wait. Wait.
Ivan, wait.
Just trust me.
You know what,
I think we can, uh,
come to an agreement, all right?
I just, uh...
I just wanted to make one point.
What point?
Well, there's uh, there's uh...
There's a thing.
- What do you mean? What thing?
- You know, it's a thing, right?
Yeah, there's totally a thing.
There's a thing.
What do you mean a thing? What,
what are you talking about?
You know how all wine all tastes
a little bit different, right?
Yeah, they always
taste different.
- That's true.
- Yeah.
I don't understand.
They all taste the same to me.
What are you talking about?
Not all of them, you know.
- Holy shit.
- Okay, okay.
Who you calling, Karen?
I'm texting my roommate.
Here you go.
Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ!
- Goddamn.
- Goddamn is right. Are you okay?
- How'd I do?
- Pretty fucking great.
I loved it.
- Look at you.
- Thank you.
- I'm all right.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Is he dead?
Yeah, he is.
He is very dead.
That was a little closer
than discussed, Ray.
Yeah, well, uh,
it's not an exact science,
you know.
There's many components.
You know, for all Dad's
shortcomings and misgivings,
he never tried to kill you.
Well, I don't know about that.
Not on purpose, you know.
Yeah. I'll buy that.
Agent Wilkers, you're about
to find Dimitri Maropakis.
Cause of death
is a myocardial infarction
from a cocaine overdose,
and, uh...
Well, if that doesn't put
a fine enough point on it,
listen to this.
None of this ever happened.
I don't know you.
You don't know me.
- Got it?
- Understood.
Thank you, Agent Wilkers.
About time
you showed some respect.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, tell me something.
How'd you know
the sculpture wasn't here?
It's in the permanent collection
in the Guggenheim.
Well, look at you.
Art school.
So, you say
you found him like this?
Yeah, yeah.
He didn't move for 45 minutes.
about what time was this?
7 a.m.
7 a.m., huh.
- Hey, man.
- Holy fuck!
It's okay. It's okay.
Relax, relax.
I swear to God,
I'll give you anything you want.
What do you want?
You want money?
No, no, no.
I'm here to give you some money.
What the fuck is that?
Well, that makes us even.
- For what?
- For Elyse.
I think
that squares everything off.
Who the fuck is Elyse?
- The little actress?
- Yup.
Yeah, fucking sure. Okay. Good.
Uh, now will you please
get out of my car
before I call security?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
It's done! We're done!
She's paid off.
It's over.
- You okay?
- It's over.
- You all right?
- I'll take care of it tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna need
a little more convincing
than that, Aton.
Tonight, great.
I'll take care of it
Tonight. Good, good.
Take this. Come on.
Put some pressure on it.
Oh, fuck!
- My wife...
- Mm-hm?
...doesn't have to know.
Who? Diane? No, of course,
she doesn't have to know.
- Okay.
- All right.
Fuck! What?
Do you know where
I can buy some cat food?
Oh. Well, there's a Ralph's
on Cahuenga.
It's actually on Ventura.
It's right off Cahuenga
by the 101.
- You take the 101?
- No.
It's kind of a nightmare
this time of day.
- Yeah.
- I'll figure it out.
- Oh, okay.
- Thanks, Aton.
Yeah, all right.
This isn't the bathroom?
It's so confusing here.
I know it's crazy over here.
Come on. I'll show you where
it is, my dear.
Thank you.
The quote
by Willie Sutton
that he robbed banks "because
that's where the money is"
was later refuted
by the man himself
as apocryphal.
What he did say was that
he stole because he enjoyed it.
In fact, he loved it.
The money, Sutton claims, well,
the money was just the chips.
and gentlemen, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to ask you
to clear the room.