Mad Mission 3: Our Man from Bond Street (1984) Movie Script
I'm home, dear!
Junior, is Mom out?
Where did she go?
Out shopping. Back soon.
Junior, only sissies play with dolls.
Come, dad will play
ride and bill with you.
Ride the bull, fun to do.
Be a big boy, good and true.
Haven't had so much fun in ages!
Here's your mom, let's quit!
Be quiet! Let's scare her!
Come in!
Who are you!
- I'm the daughter of no.6.
- Who is no.6?
- Your part-time maid!
- No.6?
My mom's ill. I've come instead.
You don't look like a maid.
I will if ll change and take off my makeup.
Sit down. I'll get you some tea.
Don't do that. I'm the maid!
It's 0.K.. I like to be of
service to pretty girls.
- Are you the master?
- Just call me junior!
Junior!
Junior! Junior!
Be good, don't cry!
Your kid just wet himself!
You brat! He did it on purpose.
I'm sorry, let me clean it up!
Don't bother, I'll do it myself!
What are you laughing at!
You find it funny? Brat!
- Have some tea!
- Thank you.
- Help yourself?
- No thanks!
It's still not dry? We'll
use this to blow it dry!
It's 0.K.
You and your wandering hands!
Whatisit?
It's noting, the zipper's stuck!
Why did you open your fly?
I didn't do it, my son did.
Second.
I wanted to dry your dress. Sorry!
- It's 0.K.. I'll do it myself!
He's at it again!
- Why did you unzip my dress?
- 1 didn't do it on purpose!
You're a dirty old man.
Oh no, it's my wife!
Our zippers!
Let me help you!
Hurry, did you fix it?
Whatisit?
How did we end up like this?
I'll strangle you in a minute!
- What do we do now?
- Go and stop her at the door!
- Are you no.6's daughter?
- Yes.
- Where's the master?
- He's disappeared.
Who let you in?
The master. He let me
in, then he went out.
Take this into the kitchen.
Tell her you're busy. Tell
her to do it herself.
I'm busy, do it yourself.
I'll do it later.
Hello Junior. Have you been good?
You play on your own!
I'm busy. You hold on to it.
She's gone inside.
Go over to the sofa.
The maids nowadays, really!
Brat, better to have
an egg than have you.
Junior's crying, pick him up.
I can't get up.
- Why not?
- You'll be furious if ll do.
I'll be more furious if you don't.
Master, you're in deep trouble.
I can't explain. You
wouldn't believe me!
I guess not.
- I think you'd better tell.
- Tell? Tell what?
You undo your zip,
you get your son to undo mine,
then you put your tie in my zip!
Both of you are just dirty!
Me and my mom both quit!
Can't you part with her?
Following her like that.
I'm done, my only witness is gone.
Darling!
Darling Wifey, don't go, listen to me.
- Are you determined to leave?
- Yes, so what?
Then there's nothing I can do about it.
Never mind, I'll pack for you.
Just now Junior was saying to me,
he's waiting for you
to cook his dinner,
he'll only eat if you feed him.
Just think, would I fall
for a kid like her?
With a great steak at home,
why would I want a Hamburger?
Don't be so corny. Do you
really like Hamburger?
- Makes a pleasant change sometimes.
- It's forbidden from now on!
Isn't the steak at home good enough?
Of course it's good. Just
a bit on the tough side.
Darling!
Darling! What happened?
Where are you hit?
You broke my heart!
To the hospital. I want
to get away from you.
Wifey!
I know you've brought something.
Show me.
Chocolates? You know I hate chocolates.
I bought them for myself.
We've got a son now
and not even aring.
Did you give me anything?
We have a son, but you
don't give me anything.
What kind of a husband are you?
That's why I bought
something special for you.
For you. Do you like it?
You feel cheap?
Why do you look so terrible?
Do you have a fever?
Inspector Ho!
How was Paris?
Guess Baldy was after the girls again.
How could you do that to her?
You're a father now.
Well, I'll try to quit.
I'll buy you dinner.
She got hit trying to save
me, I got to stay with her.
I've got a pretty chick for you.
- What time?
- 8 p.m. sharp.
8 p.m. sharp it is. Don't stand me up.
Hey, dress up a bit. Will you?
Here we go.
All the data are in, including
what shouldn't be in!
Ask anything you want to know yourself.
Excuse me.
Just talk to it here. It'll answer.
And don't ask stupid questions.
You show me how.
What shall I ask?
It's a diamond heist. Ask about that.
- Well, who did it?
- This fellow right here,
Didn't you know he invented the system?
That's why he's not the no.1 suspect.
Well, do you know where he is now?
Where is he now?
- What does that mean?
- He's dead.
- How do you know?
- He's my ex-father-in-law.
That means no one can open the safe.
Then the heist did not occur.
No more investigation.
You're off the case. Go
home and wash dishes.
If you were my son, I'd slap you one.
Go, go on.
Wifey, I've cracked the case.
Nothing of the sort.
How come the green light is on then?
It must be out of order, like you.
Really? Let's try again.
Go on. I want to know
0.K. He wouldn't let go of her hand.
So much so she's had
to go see a doctor.
What else?
Said she was going to
have a bald boyfriend.
And for her to go crazy over him.
It's the red light's
turn and it won't go on.
Is that right? I keep talking.
Says he gets real sexy with pretty girls,
And can leave his wife and kid.
Oh no! Now it's really broken.
This is no fun.
It's 0.K. You're innocent.
The detector shows you didn't lie.
You can go.
Bye-bye.
How was Paris?
Baldy!
We're not through yet. Sit down.
She told you to sit down.
It's a lot of fun.
Remember I'm your pal. Help!
Help you? A bit difficult.
It's you.
How can you do this to him?
No, he doesn't deserve this.
You're my real friend.
Puffer fish, what are you doing?
Ignore her. Fight for me, to the end.
Justice,
Now this is what I call justice.
Good. Now we begin.
Don't ask the tough questions.
You have to answer truthfully.
Were you interested in that girl?
This questions isn't very clear.
It's perfectly clear.
Did you have designs on her?
No
- I said, yes or no?
- NO.
Just answer the question.
Did you or didn't you?
- Say yes!
- If you insist!
- That's right.
- Damn you Baldy.
Don't hit me. It's the right answer.
I was in hospital for you.
And you were after girls.
I'ashamed of you.
Don't be so unhappy.
You're got her so mad
she can't even speak.
I'll do the questioning.
Hey, don't get me in trouble.
Don't worry. ll won't ask
you about the girl.
Just give an honest answer.
Do you ever think of other women?
I don't want to answer that.
- I want you to!
- No I won't.
Hurry up and answer.
- I refuse to.
- Do it!
Over my dead body.
That means you're guilty.
You ungrateful, deceitful person!
I can't stand it either.
Wifey.
Oh no!
What do we do now?
Use the method my wife invented.
Cry, make a scene and
pretend to hang.
Come on.
Does it work?
Of course it works.
Whenever my wife uses it.
She doesn't even have
to go beyond crying!
You wait and see!
Been though, eh, have some coffee.
Feeling cold? Here, that's better,
Are you feeling 0.K.?
I'm fine. Just feel sorry for myself!
Thought you were my pal.
Yet you betrayed me.
You shouldn't feel so bad about it!
I know, you must have your reasons
You betrayed me because
I'm your best friend.
What are friends for anyway?
My life is more bitter
and bitter than lemon!
Baldy, don't go on.
I've failed you.
I've really failed you.
You must have taken so much.
You're right. Tell me,
who asked you to do it?
- You would never believe me.
- Try me.
- Her Majesty the Queen.
- Was?
- The Queen asked me to do it.
- Don't try to fool me!
Forget it. I might as well do it!
I'd never cheat a friend!
I make fun of you all the time.
It's a bad habit.
If you don't believe me,
I might as well be dead.
No, don't do it. It's me who should die!
Go away, let me die.
Let me die instead!
I'm going to die first!
Let me go in peace
0.K. go ahead.
What are you waiting fo.
Go ahead and die!
I'll do it but tell me,
who asked you to do it?
I told you, the Queen!
I know. First cry, then make
a scene and try to hang.
I'm not joking. This is for real.
Save me!
Come in to save him.
Baldy, don't die on us!
Come down. We'll bring you down!
Don't pull.
Have you had your fun? Get up. Out!
Get up. The Governor wants to see you!
And remember to act real!
Act real? You said it!
Give me a massage. Let's
have some grapes!
Grapes indeed! You like grapes, do you?
You'll never change! Won't
let up any opportunity!
Attention all units.
They're on their way!
Move over!
But he said I can have her.
Bring the crown!
- Everybody freeze!
- Everybody freeze!
I'm sure he doesn't understand French.
I'm sure he doesn't understand my dialect.
When I say "Get Down, you draw!
When I say "Get Down, you draw!
Everybody get ready.
- Get down!
- Get down!
Wait a minute. So clumsy!
You're surrounded, you'd better give up.
You'd better give me the money.
Because your pal King Kong
is still in my hands.
Wifey...
Give him the money! Give it to him!
Sure, I'll give, I'm giving it.
You get it, right!
It seems one got away.
So what. You go look for him.
I'll pretend I didn't see anything.
Less trouble!
Do you think he's dead?
Answer me if you're not dead yet!
But the son is mine too!
Let me go, it's too dangerous.
King Kong is going up
on the other side!
Let's divert his attention.
Why did you hit me?
- Hit me hack!
- Inever hit women!
Hit me back! Do it, I'm telling you to!
Here!
Whatisit?
Damn you!
Why did you hit so hard?
See? You can't do without me.
Junior, is Mom out?
Where did she go?
Out shopping. Back soon.
Junior, only sissies play with dolls.
Come, dad will play
ride and bill with you.
Ride the bull, fun to do.
Be a big boy, good and true.
Haven't had so much fun in ages!
Here's your mom, let's quit!
Be quiet! Let's scare her!
Come in!
Who are you!
- I'm the daughter of no.6.
- Who is no.6?
- Your part-time maid!
- No.6?
My mom's ill. I've come instead.
You don't look like a maid.
I will if ll change and take off my makeup.
Sit down. I'll get you some tea.
Don't do that. I'm the maid!
It's 0.K.. I like to be of
service to pretty girls.
- Are you the master?
- Just call me junior!
Junior!
Junior! Junior!
Be good, don't cry!
Your kid just wet himself!
You brat! He did it on purpose.
I'm sorry, let me clean it up!
Don't bother, I'll do it myself!
What are you laughing at!
You find it funny? Brat!
- Have some tea!
- Thank you.
- Help yourself?
- No thanks!
It's still not dry? We'll
use this to blow it dry!
It's 0.K.
You and your wandering hands!
Whatisit?
It's noting, the zipper's stuck!
Why did you open your fly?
I didn't do it, my son did.
Second.
I wanted to dry your dress. Sorry!
- It's 0.K.. I'll do it myself!
He's at it again!
- Why did you unzip my dress?
- 1 didn't do it on purpose!
You're a dirty old man.
Oh no, it's my wife!
Our zippers!
Let me help you!
Hurry, did you fix it?
Whatisit?
How did we end up like this?
I'll strangle you in a minute!
- What do we do now?
- Go and stop her at the door!
- Are you no.6's daughter?
- Yes.
- Where's the master?
- He's disappeared.
Who let you in?
The master. He let me
in, then he went out.
Take this into the kitchen.
Tell her you're busy. Tell
her to do it herself.
I'm busy, do it yourself.
I'll do it later.
Hello Junior. Have you been good?
You play on your own!
I'm busy. You hold on to it.
She's gone inside.
Go over to the sofa.
The maids nowadays, really!
Brat, better to have
an egg than have you.
Junior's crying, pick him up.
I can't get up.
- Why not?
- You'll be furious if ll do.
I'll be more furious if you don't.
Master, you're in deep trouble.
I can't explain. You
wouldn't believe me!
I guess not.
- I think you'd better tell.
- Tell? Tell what?
You undo your zip,
you get your son to undo mine,
then you put your tie in my zip!
Both of you are just dirty!
Me and my mom both quit!
Can't you part with her?
Following her like that.
I'm done, my only witness is gone.
Darling!
Darling Wifey, don't go, listen to me.
- Are you determined to leave?
- Yes, so what?
Then there's nothing I can do about it.
Never mind, I'll pack for you.
Just now Junior was saying to me,
he's waiting for you
to cook his dinner,
he'll only eat if you feed him.
Just think, would I fall
for a kid like her?
With a great steak at home,
why would I want a Hamburger?
Don't be so corny. Do you
really like Hamburger?
- Makes a pleasant change sometimes.
- It's forbidden from now on!
Isn't the steak at home good enough?
Of course it's good. Just
a bit on the tough side.
Darling!
Darling! What happened?
Where are you hit?
You broke my heart!
To the hospital. I want
to get away from you.
Wifey!
I know you've brought something.
Show me.
Chocolates? You know I hate chocolates.
I bought them for myself.
We've got a son now
and not even aring.
Did you give me anything?
We have a son, but you
don't give me anything.
What kind of a husband are you?
That's why I bought
something special for you.
For you. Do you like it?
You feel cheap?
Why do you look so terrible?
Do you have a fever?
Inspector Ho!
How was Paris?
Guess Baldy was after the girls again.
How could you do that to her?
You're a father now.
Well, I'll try to quit.
I'll buy you dinner.
She got hit trying to save
me, I got to stay with her.
I've got a pretty chick for you.
- What time?
- 8 p.m. sharp.
8 p.m. sharp it is. Don't stand me up.
Hey, dress up a bit. Will you?
Here we go.
All the data are in, including
what shouldn't be in!
Ask anything you want to know yourself.
Excuse me.
Just talk to it here. It'll answer.
And don't ask stupid questions.
You show me how.
What shall I ask?
It's a diamond heist. Ask about that.
- Well, who did it?
- This fellow right here,
Didn't you know he invented the system?
That's why he's not the no.1 suspect.
Well, do you know where he is now?
Where is he now?
- What does that mean?
- He's dead.
- How do you know?
- He's my ex-father-in-law.
That means no one can open the safe.
Then the heist did not occur.
No more investigation.
You're off the case. Go
home and wash dishes.
If you were my son, I'd slap you one.
Go, go on.
Wifey, I've cracked the case.
Nothing of the sort.
How come the green light is on then?
It must be out of order, like you.
Really? Let's try again.
Go on. I want to know
0.K. He wouldn't let go of her hand.
So much so she's had
to go see a doctor.
What else?
Said she was going to
have a bald boyfriend.
And for her to go crazy over him.
It's the red light's
turn and it won't go on.
Is that right? I keep talking.
Says he gets real sexy with pretty girls,
And can leave his wife and kid.
Oh no! Now it's really broken.
This is no fun.
It's 0.K. You're innocent.
The detector shows you didn't lie.
You can go.
Bye-bye.
How was Paris?
Baldy!
We're not through yet. Sit down.
She told you to sit down.
It's a lot of fun.
Remember I'm your pal. Help!
Help you? A bit difficult.
It's you.
How can you do this to him?
No, he doesn't deserve this.
You're my real friend.
Puffer fish, what are you doing?
Ignore her. Fight for me, to the end.
Justice,
Now this is what I call justice.
Good. Now we begin.
Don't ask the tough questions.
You have to answer truthfully.
Were you interested in that girl?
This questions isn't very clear.
It's perfectly clear.
Did you have designs on her?
No
- I said, yes or no?
- NO.
Just answer the question.
Did you or didn't you?
- Say yes!
- If you insist!
- That's right.
- Damn you Baldy.
Don't hit me. It's the right answer.
I was in hospital for you.
And you were after girls.
I'ashamed of you.
Don't be so unhappy.
You're got her so mad
she can't even speak.
I'll do the questioning.
Hey, don't get me in trouble.
Don't worry. ll won't ask
you about the girl.
Just give an honest answer.
Do you ever think of other women?
I don't want to answer that.
- I want you to!
- No I won't.
Hurry up and answer.
- I refuse to.
- Do it!
Over my dead body.
That means you're guilty.
You ungrateful, deceitful person!
I can't stand it either.
Wifey.
Oh no!
What do we do now?
Use the method my wife invented.
Cry, make a scene and
pretend to hang.
Come on.
Does it work?
Of course it works.
Whenever my wife uses it.
She doesn't even have
to go beyond crying!
You wait and see!
Been though, eh, have some coffee.
Feeling cold? Here, that's better,
Are you feeling 0.K.?
I'm fine. Just feel sorry for myself!
Thought you were my pal.
Yet you betrayed me.
You shouldn't feel so bad about it!
I know, you must have your reasons
You betrayed me because
I'm your best friend.
What are friends for anyway?
My life is more bitter
and bitter than lemon!
Baldy, don't go on.
I've failed you.
I've really failed you.
You must have taken so much.
You're right. Tell me,
who asked you to do it?
- You would never believe me.
- Try me.
- Her Majesty the Queen.
- Was?
- The Queen asked me to do it.
- Don't try to fool me!
Forget it. I might as well do it!
I'd never cheat a friend!
I make fun of you all the time.
It's a bad habit.
If you don't believe me,
I might as well be dead.
No, don't do it. It's me who should die!
Go away, let me die.
Let me die instead!
I'm going to die first!
Let me go in peace
0.K. go ahead.
What are you waiting fo.
Go ahead and die!
I'll do it but tell me,
who asked you to do it?
I told you, the Queen!
I know. First cry, then make
a scene and try to hang.
I'm not joking. This is for real.
Save me!
Come in to save him.
Baldy, don't die on us!
Come down. We'll bring you down!
Don't pull.
Have you had your fun? Get up. Out!
Get up. The Governor wants to see you!
And remember to act real!
Act real? You said it!
Give me a massage. Let's
have some grapes!
Grapes indeed! You like grapes, do you?
You'll never change! Won't
let up any opportunity!
Attention all units.
They're on their way!
Move over!
But he said I can have her.
Bring the crown!
- Everybody freeze!
- Everybody freeze!
I'm sure he doesn't understand French.
I'm sure he doesn't understand my dialect.
When I say "Get Down, you draw!
When I say "Get Down, you draw!
Everybody get ready.
- Get down!
- Get down!
Wait a minute. So clumsy!
You're surrounded, you'd better give up.
You'd better give me the money.
Because your pal King Kong
is still in my hands.
Wifey...
Give him the money! Give it to him!
Sure, I'll give, I'm giving it.
You get it, right!
It seems one got away.
So what. You go look for him.
I'll pretend I didn't see anything.
Less trouble!
Do you think he's dead?
Answer me if you're not dead yet!
But the son is mine too!
Let me go, it's too dangerous.
King Kong is going up
on the other side!
Let's divert his attention.
Why did you hit me?
- Hit me hack!
- Inever hit women!
Hit me back! Do it, I'm telling you to!
Here!
Whatisit?
Damn you!
Why did you hit so hard?
See? You can't do without me.