Mafia Mamma (2023) Movie Script
1
(MELLOW JAZZ
MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNSHOTS)
(DOGS HOWLING)
This means war.
(SPITS)
(UPBEAT ITALIAN SONG PLAYING)
(LINE RINGING)
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-(WOMAN CRYING)
(BEEPS)
(WOMAN SNIFFLING)
(BLOWS NOSE)
(CONTINUES CRYING)
Oh, my baby.
Fucking college.
-(VAN HORN BEEPS)
-WOMAN: Okay,
so, I checked
the weather in Portland
and it's 85 degrees,
so you will need
your sunscreen.
Yeah, I know, Mom.
It's in my backpack.
You got all
your other toiletries?
Yes, in my bag
that you packed.
-(WOMAN SIGHS)
-While I watched,
remember?
You were crying
the whole time.
Yeah, what a mess.
It's not like he's going
off to war. It's just Oregon.
I know, I know,
but it's such
an amazing time in your life,
you can literally become
anyone you wanna be.
-Mom?
-You could
change the world.
-Mom?
-You could
colonize Mars.
-I mean...
-Mom,
you're spiraling.
-Sorry, sorry, boys.
We'll just be one minute.
-BOTH MEN: No problem.
And remember...
-Lakers for life.
-Lakers for
life, I know.
Come back a Blazers fan,
I'm not gonna let you
-back in the house.
-Yeah, I know, Dad.
-Stop.
-I'm serious.
Stop eating
the trail mix.
It's for Nicky.
It's a long trip.
Um, I guess
this is it.
I'm sorry,
I'm a little emotional.
Mom, Dad.
-Okay.
-I love you. I love you.
-I love you. I love you.
-(DOMENICK CHUCKLES)
-DOMENICK: Okay, see you later.
-KRISTIN: Call me when
you get there.
DOMENICK:
Yo, let's... fuckin' go.
-(CHUCKLES)
-FRIEND 1: Freedom!
FRIEND 2: Let's do this.
There goes our baby.
-(HORN TOOTS)
-Ah!
I love you!
(VAN DRIVES AWAY)
Every woman
dreams of full brows
and long luscious
eyelashes.
And thanks to Profizal's
hair-generating technology,
I believe we have
a real opportunity
to market this
to chemo patients.
(MANAGER GROANS)
It's too sad.
I mean,
anybody here wanna be sad?
-OFFICE WORKER: No.
-MANAGER: Nobody
wants to be sad.
Where's the ad that says
Profizal puts hair
on men's heads?
That's who we should
be marketing to.
Insecure men
with lots of cash.
No, actually, Dad,
ICO labs said Profizal
-doesn't work on scalps.
-It doesn't?
-No.
-MANAGER: Oh, shit.
We gotta get you on
another project, dammit.
Oh, what about Restylane?
The anti-ageing filler?
Yes, the new
Galderma product
for older women.
Because, you know,
you're a...
(HESITANTLY)
...you're... you're
an expert, really.
I mean, you're of
a certain age bracket.
-I'm 40.
-Whoa! I did not
ask her age.
Everybody saw
that, right?
Would never do that.
Look, I really think
this would be
a perfect fit for you.
Okay.
Randy, what do you got?
Erectile dysfunction, Hank,
is a thing of the past
with Thoracinil.
(MEN LAUGHING)
RANDY: Hey. So, Thoracinil
is banned in the EU,
so we can't
use Mykonos
but he's on a jet-ski.
I love those.
-I love jet-skis.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-(INDISTINCCONVERSATION)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hello?
-WOMAN: (ON PHONE)
Is this Kristin Balbano?
Uh, well,
it's Kristin Dorner
Balbano
is my maiden name.
You never give up
the name Balbano.
Sorry? Who is this?
I am Bianca
and I have
terrible news.
Giuseppe Balbano
is dead.
-(ROCK MUSIC BLARING
ON SPEAKERS)
-Oh, my father's father.
God, I didn't even
know he was alive.
Can you hold
on a sec?
Paul!
My husband's
in a band.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Your grandfather
is dead.
You need to
settle his affairs.
His affairs? But, I mean,
I don't even know him.
You're named specifically
in his will.
We'll fly you to Italy.
You'll leave
tomorrow night.
Wait. What, did you say Italy?
Like, as in Italy Italy?
Yes, Italy.
Oh, that sounds...
No, I... No, I can't
just get on a plane
and head on over
to my dream place.
Everything is crazy
at work right now
and my husband
needs me, you know?
-And I just can't see
that I can get away...
-(WOMAN MOANING IN PLEASURE)
PAUL: Quiet, listen
to my lyric here.
(SINGING) I'm no longer
Ear-ear-earth...
I gotta go.
...Bound
-(BOTH EXCLAIMING IN PLEASURE)
-(MUSIC SWITCHES OFF)
-PAUL: What time is it?
-(BOTH SIGHING)
Kristin...
-Before you start...
-Hey
-Hey.
-Listen, I just want
you to know I'm a feminist.
Uh...
We met before.
-Really?
-WOMAN: Yeah.
At Domenick's school,
I'm the guidance
counsellor.
(GASPS)
-Oh, my God.
-WOMAN: I...
It's just that,
I wouldn't have done
this if you had
more faith in
your husband.
He's a great songwriter.
I know. (CHUCKLES)
Tracy, it's time
for you to go.
What?
(KRISTIN CRYING)
-Listen.
-Yes, listening.
-I support your
right to be angry.
-KRISTIN: Thank you so much.
-That's really kind.
-Yeah, maybe call me,
we can talk this through.
-Really? You would do that?
-What d'you say?
-TRACY: Yeah.
-KRISTIN: Sure, I mean...
-TRACY: Bye.
-Bye.
(CRYING)
Kris, I am so sorry.
This is really hard
for me to admit but,
I have this illness.
All I wanna do
is have sex.
(KRISTIN SIGHS HEAVILY)
I mean,
I wanna have sex, too.
We haven't had
sex in, like,
-three years.
-Yeah, I know,
but I mean,
with a new person.
Oh!
Yeah, it's not personal, it's...
-(KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
-Hey,
I left my phone.
My phone.
(KRISTIN SIGHS)
-This one?
-Yeah, thank you.
It's just hard, you know,
with Domenick leaving,
it's just a big adjustment.
Don't defend
that douche stain.
He's a grown-ass man
working at a Starbucks.
INSTRUCTOR:
Stranger grabs your purse.
WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
Stranger grabs
your boob.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
-What? Oh, my God!
-Is that him?
-Is that him? Give me
the phone.
-No, it's Italy calling again.
They want me to fly to Rome
tomorrow night
to settle his affairs.
I mean, that's crazy,
right? I can't go.
Kristin,
what do you
masturbate to?
Italian cooking shows.
I mean, more specifically,
Stanley Tucci:
Searching for Italy.
There was this one episode
where he went to this
burrata factory,
and it was all creamy
and he got his hands
in all the milky stuff.
-It was so...
-Stop. You've masturbated
this fantasy into
existence.
You have to go.
Stranger puts
a gun in your face.
Jenny, my boss just
assigned me a new campaign.
Well, make it
a business trip.
ICO has suppliers
all over the globe.
How do you think
I got to go to Brazil,
Iceland and Ireland
-last year, huh?
-I don't know.
To settle their lawsuits.
Well, shouldn't I stay here
and work on my marriage?
You should work on
getting your pussy pounded.
-(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
-Stranger says
you're prettier
when you smile.
WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
Stop thinking about
everybody else.
Start thinking about you.
Fine, then think
about your grandfather's
last dying wish.
Oh, my God
maybe I should go.
-Did you see
what I did there?
-No.
I just got you to go
to Italy by putting
-someone else's feelings
ahead of your own.
-All right, all right,
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I'm gonna go
and I'm gonna have my own
Under the Tuscan Sun.
Or Eat, Pray, Love.
Fuck.
What?
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
(LAUGHS)
Say it.
What, Eat, Pray... Fuck?
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Jesus.
Eat, Pray...
-Fuck.
-Say it again.
(EXHALES) Eat, Pray...
-Fuck!
-Louder.
-From the vagina!
-WOMAN: Eat, Pray, Fuck.
WOMEN: Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
(EURO POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENIN ITALIAN OVER SPEAKER)
Hey, Nicky. It's Mom.
I just wanna let you know
I landed safe, in Italy.
(LAUGHS) I even bought
myself a journal at the airport.
I've always wanted a journal.
(EXCLAIMS)
Um, anyway... Shit.
Sorry, not you.
I love you. Anyway...
Oh... Whoa!
(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
you can stand up,
-if you like.
-Oh, my God. Right.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, my God,
you smell so good.
(LAUGHS) Um, I'm, um...
Oh, my God, what is
my name? (LAUGHS)
Sorry. Kristin. Hi.
-Kristin, I'm Lorenzo.
-Yes. Hello, Lorenzo.
-Lorenzo! (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(LORENZO) Scusa!
-It's okay.
-This is my
Aunt Esmeralda.
-Oh.
She just got back
from holiday in Greece.
-Oh, nice.
-Yeah.
And she wants
to get home.
Hi. Ciao. I'm Kristin.
I'm just visiting.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I mean,
I was born here,
but I haven't
been back
since I was a... a baby.
(ESMERALDA IN ITALIAN)
What did she say?
She wants me to ask
for your number.
But don't worry,
I don't want to assume.
-Well...
-LORENZO: So...
Ciao.
Uh, no, no.
Wait. I mean, (CHUCKLING)
if Aunt Esmeralda
wants my number,
who am I to say "no?"
Oh, sorry. I am not
usually so veloce
with asking for
phone numbers.
-What is veloce?
-Oh, yeah. Quick.
If... if you knew that,
it would have been funnier.
No, it's very funny, I get it.
I got it, Veloce.
Veloce is good. I...
I like your veloce-ness.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
My God!
-What was that?
-LORENZO: I am so sorry.
-KRISTIN: It's okay.
-LORENZO: So, are you here on
business or pleasure?
Um, well...
pleasure. You know,
grandfather just died and...
Oh, no, I... I didn't know
him, that's not...
that part's sad, but, um...
So maybe...
half pleasure.
I have to run.
Yes, sure. Um...
Well, I'll... I'll call you.
What...
just happened?
-Oh, my God.
-Kristin Balbano.
Yes.
Bianca sent us
to take you to the funeral.
-Oh, hi. I...
-I'm Aldo.
Okay. Nice to meet you,
Aldo. Yes.
-I'm Dante.
-Hello, Dante.
Nice to meet you.
-Your driver.
-Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I... It's very... So kind.
(ITALIAN JAZZ SONG PLAYING)
Hey, you guys. I am gonna
change now, okay?
So don't turn around or...
-DANTE: The Colosseum.
-Can you at least,
please, just, like, go slow?
-ALDO: The Vatican.
-KRISTIN: The Vaticano?
Did I miss it?
I missed it, right?
-Oh, shit. Ugh, God.
Where is my lipstick?
-ALDO: Fontana Acqua Paola.
-KRISTIN: I dropped
my lipstick.
-ALDO: Il Fontanone.
Oh, what? Where is it?
-Can we go back?
-We have to go
to the funeral.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)
Oh, thank you.
Whew, thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
There he is.
Hi.
We have the same eyes.
We have the same eyes.
That's...
-(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
-MAN: Buongiorno.
(CHOIR SINGING IN ITALIAN)
(CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING
IN ITALIAN)
Hi. Ciao. Sorry. Um...
Are you Bianca?
Sit.
This is Fabrizio,
your grandfather's
great nephew.
Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you.
So, that must make us, like,
second cousins, right?
I'm sorry for your loss.
Is he mad at me?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
ALL: Amen.
(FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING)
Uh...
what did my grandfather do?
He was a winemaker.
He made wine?
I wanna make wine.
Oh, my God,
it must be in the genes.
I mean, you can't
argue genes, right?
(FUNERAL MARCH CONTINUES)
(ENGINE REVVING)
-(GUNSHOT)
-(KRISTIN SCREAMS)
-(GUNSHOTS)
-(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
(GUNFIRE)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
hey. Are you okay?
(IN ITALIAN)
Veloce means quick.
Quick, quick, quick!
He needs help!
(SCREAMING)
-(BELL TOLLS)
-(SHOOTER GROANS)
-(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
-(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE ROARS)
(EXCLAIMS, SCREAMS)
-DANTE: Hmm.
-(KRISTIN GASPS)
(WHIMPERING LOUDLY)
(SCREAMING).
(ALDO YELLING IN ITALIAN)
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
(EXPLOSION)
(UPBEAT ITALIAN
SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Say hello
to my little friend, Nico.
What the fuck is going on?
(UPBEAT ITALIAN
SWING MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(IN ITALIAN)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Aldo and Dante are my drivers,
but who are you, really?
-Soldati.
-For the Army or...
(IN ITALIAN)
(BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING
IN ITALIAN)
Scusi. Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm still in the dark here.
No, no, it's a figure
of speech.
Can someone please just
tell me what's going on?
Your grandfather,
Don Giuseppe Balbano,
may he rest in peace,
was murdered
-by the Romanos.
-(HACKING UP SPIT)
We invited them
for a meeting,
but things went wrong.
Our Don
and their Don got killed.
(FABRIZIO IN ITALIAN)
They disrespected
the funeral!
They shot at
the coffin!
(IN ITALIAN)
(METAL CLATTERING)
MAN: Don Carlo.
(IN ITALIAN)
(CARLO SNIFFLES)
(BOTH SPIT)
(KRISTIN HYPERVENTILATING)
(BIANCA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-Okay, thank you,
thank you.
Grazie.
The wine's bad. The wine's
gone bad. That's...
The wine is bad.
It's a front.
Oh, God. Is that why
he got murdered?
No, that's crazy.
I mean, is it?
(SIGHS) Your grandfather
was not just a winemaker.
No?
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
GIUSEPPE: (ON VIDEO)
Ciao, Kristin Balbano.
I'm your grandfather,
Giuseppe Balbano.
If you are watching this...
I'm dead.
I'm sorry I never
got to see you grow up,
but I am even more sorry
that you grew up
without a father.
My father died in
a construction accident.
Your father did not die
in a construction accident.
Your father was killed
by a member of the...
Romano family.
-(SPITS)
-(ALL SPITTING)
After this incident,
your mother took you
back to America
in search of a safer place.
(CLATTERING ON VIDEO)
Hey.
I told her
that the safest place
would be with us,
but I respected
her wishes.
You do not cross a mother.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
-It's you.
-Oh.
I remember when
you were born,
picciridda mia.
(SIGHS FONDLY)
I held you in my arms...
and I thought, "One day
"she will be a brave,
confident woman
"who will make me proud."
Saying goodbye to you,
my only grandchild,
was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.
(FIRE ROARS)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
And so,
my dying wish
is that you,
my direct bloodline,
take over
and be the new boss
of the Balbano family.
(IN ITALIAN)
My trusted general, Bianca...
(FABRIZIO EXCLAIMS)
...will be by your side
to help you.
Kristin,
I know you will
respect my wishes
as I respected your mother's.
(FIRE CRACKLING LOUDLY)
(SHOUTING IN ITALIAN)
Oh, this isn't...
(GIUSEPPE CONTINUES
IN ITALIAN ON VIDEO)
uh, no.
I think there's been
a bit of a mistake
because there
is no way that I...
Me?
(IN ITALIAN)
This has been
very informative,
but I have a Colosseum
tour at 5 p.m.,
-so I gotta go get a cab.
-No, you can't leave.
If the boss says
you are the boss,
-you are the boss
now, comprende?
-Yeah, yeah but
you know what?
I am not a boss,
like, not in any way,
shape or form,
so, you know, especially
not in a Mafia kind of way.
(IN ITALIAN)
-(SHUSHES)
I should be the boss!
Yes, yes. Good idea.
He should be the boss.
I mean, who am I to steal
anyone's boss thunder?
Besides, I've got a lot
of shit going on at home,
my son just
went to college
and my husband
just cheated on me, so...
You want we should
take care of him? Hmm?
-DANTE: Mmm?
-No!
No.
No, God, no, no.
I just need a vacation,
I just really want
my Eat, Pray, Fuck!
Eat, Pray, Fuck?
Yeah, it's a play
on words,
you know, the book,
Eat, Pray, Love?
Yeah, it's a very uplifting
and moving memoir by...
Elizabeth Gilbert.
Yes! Yes, see, he knows.
Yeah, I wanna make wine,
and I wanna eat pasta,
and be romanced, and...
But you came for a funeral.
Yeah. I mean, you know,
-after the funeral.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Lorenzo. It's Lorenzo,
I should take this.
How are you?
-Give me this.
-Hey, what? No.
What? No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
I just paid that off!
I won't get another
upgrade for a year
and how is Lorenzo supposed
to get in touch with me?
How will I ever have sex?
(SIGHS, GROANS)
You cannot be speaking
to random strangers.
It's too dangerous.
He's not a stranger,
he's gorgeous.
(KRISTIN SIGHS)
Okay.
You know what?
I'm done.
-Bye. (LAUGHS DRYLY)
-(DOOR CLOSES)
BIANCA: Kristin!
Kristin!
You can't run away
from your destiny.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Which way is it?
It's that way!
But I must warn you,
once you walk out those gates,
you will no longer
be under our protection.
Also, you have no phone.
(KRISTIN SIGHING)
(CRYING)
You said you
wanted to learn
how to make wine, yes?
We have machines
to crush grapes now,
but this is the classic way.
This does feel kinda nice, huh?
You must stomp on the grapes
-to release their juices.
-Yes.
And you must also take over
as the Balbano family boss.
(SHUDDERS)
This is insane.
Where would I even begin?
Shh. Come here.
Are we actually the Mafia?
Your grandfather
preferred to call it
the "invisible family."
-Oh, that's spooky.
-(SNAPS FINGERS)
Invisible but strong,
and we can't
appear weakened.
So, you must go
to a meeting
with our enemies,
the Romanos.
What, the... the people
who shot at us earlier?
(EXCLAIMS) Oh!
I mean, can't Fabrizio go?
It seems like
he would love this stuff.
It can't be Fabrizio.
He started the shootout.
He's a hot-head
-with a horrible temper.
-Hmm.
Just like Sonny.
Who's Sonny?
From The Godfather.
Oh, right. Yeah.
I never saw The Godfather.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God.
Okay, look, it's really hard
to find three and a half hours.
All you need to do
is offer their new Don
a part of the east.
-(SIGHS)
-Something your grandfather
was too stubborn to part with.
Please, we need someone
who's level-headed,
empathetic
-and unassuming.
-Did you just call me pathetic?
We need you.
No, I will never
be ready. No. No.
Also, we will give you
a new phone...
Oh. Oh, oh.
...so you can go
Eat, Pray, Fuck Lorenzo
once we finish
the background check.
-Background check?
-ALDO: Yeah.
Lorenzo Villaguzi, aged 33.
Oh, my God,
he's quite young.
-Men do it all the time.
-That's true.
-ALDO: He's born in Milano.
-Which we don't like.
Yeah, but it's okay, Dante.
-Yeah, Dante.
-And he's recently divorced.
(GASPS, LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
Jackpot! Oh, my God!
(LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God,
that's really good news.
-This is your new phone.
Yee!
-It's untraceable.
-Okay.
You meet with
Don Romano tonight
and then you can do
what you want with Lorenzo.
Deal?
Oh... (LAUGHS)
Uh...
-Yes, deal. Deal.
-(BIANCA EXCLAIMS)
-(TYPING)
-(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
BIANCA: Presenting
the new Donna Balbano.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You look like
a librarian from a library,
not a porno. (CHUCKLES)
Darling, come with me.
(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Again,
presenting la bellissima
Donna Balbano.
-(ALDO WHISTLES)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God, Valentino.
Hello.
-Yes.
-Turn around,
turn, turn.
ALDO: Hey.
-(KRISTIN LAUGHS)
-And that's what you wear
to meet a mob boss.
-You guys are gonna stay
with me the whole time, right?
-Yes.
-Of course.
-Okay, don't leave me.
Don't worry, Kristin.
(SIGHS) Okay.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I'll be your server tonight.
-Oh, I love
your glasses, Giannina.
-Thank you.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This is for your bag.
Oh, it's so cute.
Little monkey. (CHUCKLES)
All right.
Thank you.
You're not Fabrizio.
And you are not
what I was expecting.
I was told
I would be meeting
with the new Balbano
family boss.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
Yeah, that's me.
Kristin. The new boss.
(IN ITALIAN)
Ah.
for my rudeness.
Oh, no, not at all.
But, you know...
it was...
it was a bit of a shock
to see a beautiful
woman.
(LAUGHS)
Stop.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I am Carlo Romano,
the new boss.
Oh, well, there you go.
We're both new bosses,
we have so much in common.
Look at that. (CHUCKLES)
So, what were you thinking?
I was hoping
to try gnocchi.
I love gnocchi
and I promised myself
if I ever came to Italy,
I would eat as much
gnocchi as I could.
CARLO: No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
-I meant the territories.
-Hmm?
Oh, right, yes. Sorry, I...
Okay, Google,
open notes. Um,
so you can take the north and...
part of the east
extending to... Form-i-a?
Formia.
Formia.
Yes.
That's it.
(IN ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Thank you, Giannina.
She's sweet.
I ordered every gnocchi
on the menu.
Oh, my God,
someone's a good listener.
Prego.
Oh... Well...
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You... You want me
to try it first?
Yeah.
Well, no pressure. Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
That is delicious.
This is the best wine
I have ever had in my life.
Salute.
Salute.
(ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING)
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Listen, listen, listen.
It's Oreo.
They're two chocolate biscuits
held together...
with cream?
The cream... (LAUGHS)
The cream is my favorite part.
(CARLO CHUCKLES)
Uh, listen...
um, about your offer.
Are you sure we have to
stop at Formia? Hmm?
Hmm, well, that's what it says
in my notes.
Of course.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
In your notes.
(CARLO SIGHS)
Do you like limoncello?
Oh, I'm more of
a cherry jello person.
Oh. No, no, no. Limoncello.
It is, um,
it is a dessert liquor.
Oh. Oh, no, I don't know it.
We'll have it
in my hotel room. Upstairs.
-Hmm?
-(CHUCKLES)
(MAN IN ITALIAN)
Okay. Well, um,
you guys can wait outside
while we finish our business.
We don't think
this is a good idea.
Would you say that
to a male mob boss? No.
Please! It's been
three long years. Come on.
Thank you. Yes!
Ciao. (GIGGLES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(KRISTIN WHOOPING)
(KRISTIN MOANS)
Oh, come on. Oh, my God.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXCLAIMS
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Oh, you know what?
I don't think I can hold on.
I've just gotta pee
real quick.
-(SIGHS)
-I know. I'm sorry.
I'll make it real quick.
Come on. Ah!
All right. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay.
(KRISTIN HUMMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
(RAPID BREATHING)
(STRAINING)
(FARTS)
(SIGHS)
(SCOFFS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Right.
So much better.
There she is.
-(KRISTIN GIGGLES)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(KRISTIN HUMS SOFTLY)
-(GLASSES CLINK)
-(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)
-Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, so sorry,
I must take this.
Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine.
-Wait.
-I will.
(SIGHS)
Let's try this again.
Oh, okay. (GIGGLES)
(GLASSES CLINK)
Salute.
Salute.
(BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY)
Oh, Oh, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, my God. If you told me
three days ago
that I would be in
a hotel room in Italy
with a
handsome mob boss,
then I would say
you are crazy.
But here I am!
Yes. Yes, but not for long.
Oh, don't remind me.
I fly home
at the end of the week
and there's still so much
I wanna see.
I wanna go to
the Amalfi coast. Pompei.
(EXCITEDLY) The Vaticano!
(LAUGHS)
Too bad you won't see
any of those things.
Oh, no? Why? Because we'll be
too busy making love?
Don Romano does not
make love to dead women.
What?
The poison I put in your drink
should be travelling
to your heart by now.
-Oh, my God.
-Soon,
your lungs will collapse.
(GASPING) Oh, my God.
(GASPING FOR BREATH)
Oh, my God. No...
Hey, Aldo!
(SCREAMS)
-(CARLO SHUSHES)
-(KRISTIN SOBBING)
You are a Balbano.
My uncle killed your father.
One day you will come for me
and the rest of my family.
Eventually,
we all seek revenge...
like Vito Corleone.
I never saw The Godfather.
No!
No! It was
The Godfather Part Two!
Okay, okay.
Stupid American woman!
Your family is in chaos.
Soon the Romanos
will be the only...
(COUGHS)
...southern family here...
in... in...
(WEAKLY) ...in Lazio.
Are you okay?
Am I okay?
I'm okay.
Oh, my God.
-(CARLO GASPING)
-Right.
I switched our glasses
while you were on the phone.
(GASPS) I'm so sorry.
It's just that you poured me
a way bigger portion
and I didn't know if
I was gonna like limoncello.
And I didn't wanna be rude
because,
typically I don't
like lemon-flavored things.
I think it's because I took
a lot of lemon-flavored
Augmentin when I was a child.
It's an antibiotic
and it's really disgusting.
(SOBBING)
(CRYING OUT)
-(KRISTIN SCREAMS LOUDLY)
-Oh.
Three years.
-Ooh.
-Ah.
(KRISTIN CONTINUES GROANING)
(HIGH PITCHED) Oh, my God!
What do I do?
What do I do?
(SIGHS) Jenny.
Oh, my God, yeah, of course.
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
Please, Jenny, please.
Please answer the phone.
Please, please God.
Oh, please answer. Okay.
-JENNY: Sven. Yeah.
-SVEN: (OVER PHONE) Oh.
(IN SWEDISH)
Okay, think about it.
-Okay, Jenny.
-Yeah. Okay.
Hey, hey.
Find any hot Italian men yet?
(STUTTERS) Uh, yes. Lorenzo.
-You fuck him yet?
-Uh, he tried to kill me. And...
(WHISPERING) With his penis?
What? No, no, with poison. I...
A poisoned penis?
Slow down. Lorenzo did what?
No, no. Not Lorenzo. Carlo.
Wait, who the fuck is Carlo?
Oh, my God. He is this
super-hot mob boss
who I had dinner with.
But then he tried to poison me.
So, I switched our drinks.
And now he's dead.
Could I go to jail for this?
No. A little poison
switch-a-roo?
It's classic self-defense.
Oh, my God,
I killed a Mafia boss.
I am a dead woman.
(BREATHING ERRATICALLY)
(VOMITS)
-(SCREAMS OUT IN DISGUST)
-(MEN GRUNTING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
ALDO: Everything okay
in there?
(GASPS)
-(GUNSHOTS IN HALLWAY)
-Oh, my God.
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
Oh, my God.
-(BODY THUDS OUTSIDE)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ah!
(DOOR OPENS)
ALDO: You are terrible
at playing dead.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, it's you.
-Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you
so much.
-Kristin, please stop.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Is that a cannoli
in your pocket?
(SAWING)
-BIANCA: So you fucked him?
-KRISTIN: No, he died first.
You missed something.
When he came,
he screamed like a woman.
You... Right.
Um, well, I guess
that might have been fun?
-You took a shower?
-Yes.
I took a shower
because it usually
calms me down, but...
I've never seen
a dead body before.
And now I've seen three.
Three!
I mean,
I live a very boring life.
I am such a boring person.
I'm a boring woman.
Seriously, I don't do anything
with my life. I don't go out.
I just do everything
for everybody else.
Those monsters
will stop at nothing
until we're all dead
and they're the only family
in Lazio.
I have an idea.
I think I should go home.
I don't think I belong here.
-Did you not hear me?
-What?
If you leave now,
they will follow you
and they will not stop
until you're dead.
(GASPS)
This is good.
How? How is this good?
This will send a message
to the Romanos
that our family is strong.
You're the boss. And the boss
takes care of business.
You did good.
What? I murdered someone!
-Brava.
-Brava.
No, no, no, no.
Do not "brava" me. I am bad.
I did a bad thing.
Oh, my God, I just want
my Eat, Pray, Love.
What is he...
-(CRIES OUT IN DISGUST)
-(FABRIZIO GRUNTING)
(HEAVY OBJECT THUDS)
Ciao, Carletto.
-(FLESH SQUELCHING)
-(FABRIZIO GRUNTING)
-(ALL SPITTING)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(IN ITALIAN)
(GULPS NERVOUSLY)
Bruno!
(LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY)
BRUNO: Mmm.
(BRUNO CHUCKLES MENACINGLY)
We have to kill those Romanos
before they kill us!
And I mean on purpose!
No more accidentally
saving the day!
You could be a little
nicer to me, you know.
I just killed someone.
I'm a very good person.
I'm a good mother.
I would do anything
for my son.
I do everything for everyone.
Even animals,
I can't even kill a bug.
I put it under a little cup,
and I take it outside,
and whisper, "Go. Be free.
Go live your life."
And I imagine them building
a new home and a new life.
How are we supposed to appear
strong when she is...
this?
These Romanos will never
negotiate peace on good terms.
Why are we negotiating at all?
Why don't we just give them
what they want?
(MIMICS KRISTIN)
They want control
over all of our territories.
So, why don't we just
give it to them?
How do you expect us
to make money?
I don't know!
(BOTH GRUNT IN FRUSTRATION)
What is it we do, anyway?
-FABRIZIO: Drugs.
-BIANCA: Counterfeit bags.
FABRIZIO: Guns. Gambling.
Uh, so far I have heard
nothing that is either legal
or moral.
Because... (SIGHS) you know,
we are the fucking Mafia!
You... (GROANS)
Let him go. He just needs
to blow off some steam.
Oh, yeah? So do I.
I am completely overwhelmed!
This is supposed to be
my vacation.
-What are you doing?
-I'm confirming my date
with Lorenzo
because that was the deal.
But we are
in the middle of a war.
No. You are
in the middle of a war.
I am sick of doing everything
for everybody else!
I'm gonna do something for me.
You cannot be
in public right now.
Oh, I'm not going to be
in public.
I'm going to have dinner
at his place.
He is simple and adorable.
And... I just wanna be
alone with him.
These are my cousins.
I come from
a very conservative family
and they wanna protect...
my virtue.
(IN ITALIAN)
be a family affair. Please.
Okay. Thank you.
-It's good to see you.
-It's so good to see you.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi. Thank you for having us
in your home
which is beautiful.
-Welcome to my aunt's place.
-(GASPS) Oh, my God,
it's totally magical.
Yeah.
Who is this? He looks like
such a naughty little hobbit.
-Yeah. It's my uncle, Ernesto.
-Oh.
-He recently died.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, we are.
That's why I moved in.
-Oh, I see.
-But I am
naming my own pasta line
this year.
-This is your pasta line?
-It is.
Oh, my God,
that is so exciting.
You guys, look at this.
This is his.
(SOFT ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Oh, Lord in Heaven,
I have never eaten
homemade pasta before.
Mmm, so good.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You know, it's... it's nice
to be with a woman
who appreciates my cooking.
Yeah. My ex never did.
Ah, she sounds like a monster.
Oh, no. I didn't mean to
bring her up again. Forget it.
No, it's okay. I get it.
I mean, my husband,
my ex-husband
was a total man-child.
I mean, he made everything
about himself.
And his band
and his cheesy lyrics.
That sounds horrible.
(ESMERALDA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I'd convinced myself that
his passion
was more important than mine.
Like an idiot. (CHUCKLES)
But even with our son,
divorcing Paul,
I swear to God,
it was the best decision
I ever made.
Oh, you have a child?
Yes! Yes, I'll show you.
Here he is.
There. That's Domenick.
He's my baby.
He's a really good kid.
(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Last bite.
For me?
The most precious. Yes.
Okay.
KRISTIN: Oh, your pasta.
(CHUCKLES)
It's the greatest thing
I've ever had in my mouth.
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.
(IN ITALIAN)
Are your cousins
okay with this?
Yeah, they're fine.
Just kiss me.
-(MOBILE PHONE BEEPING)
-Shit. No, no, no.
(GASPS) Oh, God, I forgot.
I've got this
work Zoom meeting.
Oh, my God. Cousins!
I have to go. Rain check?
I'm sorry. I just...
It's a really
important meeting that I...
I totally forgot about it. Um...
Thank you for having us.
I will call you.
(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
KRISTIN: I can't believe this.
Stupid work.
I'm enjoying myself
for the first time in years,
and I have to do this
dumb work Zoom.
Come on. Quit your job.
You are a boss now.
Oh. I can't just quit my job.
People are counting on me.
-DANTE: Hmm.
-ALDO: Ma.
-(IN ITALIAN)
-(WOMAN SHOUTING OVER PHONE)
Ma.
-(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
My mother had
another dizzy spell
and she has no more medication
now. Okay. Okay?
She can't afford it.
The SSN doesn't cover these
new American drugs.
(IN ITALIAN)
I know a pharmacist.
We go tomorrow, okay?
No, no, you should go tonight.
Go take care of it tonight.
Yeah, but we must protect you.
-He is right.
-No, family first.
I'm okay. I'll be fine.
Oh, Kristin.
Would you mind to put this
-into the fridge, please?
-Yes, sure.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on. So late.
(GROANS) Okay.
(SIGHS) Here we go.
(EXHALES)
Oh.
I can't wear this.
Oh, what am I... Oh, God.
(KRISTIN STRUGGLING
WITH CLOTHES)
Ugh, right. Uh...
Come on, hurry, quick, quick!
(KRISTIN SIGHS WITH FRUSTRATION)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, nice of you
to finally join us.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, the...
the time difference
is a little crazy, so...
HANK: So, where are we
with Restylane?
Right, yes, okay.
Um, so first:
Restylane makes women feel
great about themselves, right?
So, I was thinking
we open on a woman
alone, drinking some
fine wine,
longingly perusing
a travel brochure.
Mmm. I'm not really hearing
anything that pops.
I mean, you know,
you gotta grab them
in the first few seconds.
(LAUGHS) But I just started.
Hey, you know who's
really great at this?
Just riff, give us some of
that Randy magic.
Go ahead and mute her.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
All right.
Help me!
And I'm just spitballing,
all right.
But I'm thinking,
woman on a jet-ski?
Aw, that's fresh.
Yeah, but how do we get there?
(SCREAMING) No! S.O.S.!
We open up on this attractive
but, you know, older woman.
Not too old, right?
Help me!
(CRYING) Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no, no, please.
I'm thinking tight, hot,
early forties type role,
you know what I'm saying?
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-Oh, my God.
You are much more attractive
than your grandfather.
Oh, my God.
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-(GROANING WITH DISGUST)
No! (MOANS) No, no!
So, you know,
she minding her business,
walking through the desert
like people do.
WAYNE: That's a great
metaphor for a tired woman
with a face
that's so marked by time.
-Mmm.
-(DOWNWARD WHISTLE)
-Sit down!
-(GUN COCKS)
(BREATHING IRREGULARLY)
No, no, no. Please don't.
Please don't hurt me.
Please. No, no.
Oh, God, no. No entrata.
Absolutely no entrata. No.
You like
salsiccia e friarelli?
No. No sausages.
I'm strictly vegetariano.
No, thank you.
Very spicy.
Spicy? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. No!
-Please, no. Please don't. No.
-(BRUNO EXHALES PASSIONATELY)
(SOBBING) No, no, no.
Please don't.
No, no, no.
Fucking belt.
She looks lonely. She looks...
-She looks her age, bro.
-She does.
No woman should look her age.
(EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
Crotch! Eye!
-Crotch! Eye!
-(BRUNO GROANING)
And like a blessing
from the heavens,
the sky opens up
and it starts to rain.
Then she looks down
and she realizes,
"Oh, my God,
I'm on a jet-ski."
Restylane Lyft
gives her a second youth.
-WAYNE: Yeah.
-A return to life.
I love that pose.
Crotch! Crotch!
-Eye! Crotch!
-(BRUNO SCREAMING)
Restylane Kysse
plumps her lips.
Crotch! Eye!
-(GROANS)
-(WHIMPERING)
(KRISTIN GROANING)
WAYNE: Makes them kissable.
Rejuvenated.
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(BRUNO GROANS)
WAYNE: You got water,
you got wetness.
Whole lot of wetness.
(BOTH GROANING)
Fuck you!
When was the last time
you saw a thigh gap like that?
Fuck you, Randy!
-Now she's kissable.
-Oh, fuck you, Wayne!
-Wow.
-Oh, fuck you, Hank!
(GROWLING)
And you,
you fucking creepy pervert!
Fuck you!
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
(SCREAMS, SHUDDERS)
RANDY: And then she just
rides off into the distance.
-Soft, youthful...
-(LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF)
...and wet.
(RANDY SIGHS)
(WHIMPERS)
-HANK: Randy, that was superb.
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Okay.
See that, Kristin?
That's how it's done.
Unmute.
Kristin.
Hey, tell me
you heard Randy's pitch.
Oh, Kristin?
Are you drunk?
(STUTTERS)
Oh, man. I really hoped
this day would never come
but I'm gonna have to
let you go.
By the way, you have some
pasta sauce on your face.
You know what?
Fuck you!
Whoa!
That's gratitude for you.
-Highly unnecessary.
-Toxic.
Oh, God.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
(ROMANTIC ITALIAN
MUSIC PLAYING)
(TAPPING ON DOOR)
-(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
KRISTIN: Hmm?
BIANCA: You left quite a mess
at the villa.
You need to tell us
when things like this happen,
so we don't have to worry
whether or not
you are currently alive.
Oh, fine. So, next time
someone tries to murder me,
I'll be sure to let you know.
Grazie.
want to meet today.
Oh, so they can
try to kill me again? Huh!
I thought once you'd had sex,
you would calm down a bit.
Hey, I've been here two days
and I've been almost
murdered twice.
That's one per day.
I'm gonna need a lot more sex
to calm me down!
I know a man.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Stop with your cousin, please.
They're prepared
to make some concessions.
We have the upper hand.
They've agreed
to a public meeting.
Fabrizio will be there
with you.
I can't be there
because it's only family.
Fine. But I wanna meet
at La Bottega del Gelato
because it has
a five-star rating.
And I never have gelato.
And I have been dying to go!
-But we have...
-That's an order!
KRISTIN: Mmm. Mmm!
Look, I am tired of this war.
Oh, my gosh,
Tripadvisor does not lie.
My family
is tired of this war.
It's got to stop.
MAMMONE: We couldn't
agree more.
You killed our boss,
and our best killer.
All by yourself.
Does your offer
for Formia stand?
Yes. Absoluto.
So, we are at peace
then, Mammone?
(IN ITALIAN)
Donna Balbano.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(CARLO'S SONS
SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh.
(ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Well, there you go.
(LOUDLY) Can I get
another scoop?
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
(KISSES)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(KRISTIN CHUCKLES)
You really impressed me.
Oh, yeah, the meeting
went better
than I thought it would.
Because you terrified them.
Last night
was a true work of art.
You have rage, Kristin.
Wild,
passionate, deep rage.
I like it.
(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY) Okay.
You know,
it wasn't just blood on Bruno.
It was mushy, thick.
Bits of his scrotum
were stuffed in his eye socket.
Mmm.
And that's why
they listened to you.
Because he had
bits of his scrotum
stuffed in his eye socket?
Maybe.
And that's how
you earned rispetto.
You'll fit
right into this family!
Give me your hand.
What, uh...
Oh, no. Oh, no,
you don't have to.
-Yeah.
-You should... No, no.
Oh, it's too big. I don't...
KRISTIN: Mmm.
Yeah, it fits pretty well.
And now...
give me some "grrrr."
Be the leopard!
-What, uh...
(GROWLING)
-(PURRS)
-No, no. (GROWLS)
-(HACKING GROWL)
-No, no, no.
No fur ball.
No espresso machine.
Just... (GROWLS)
(GROWLING)
(BOTH GROWLING)
This one. This one. This one.
Bye.
Okay. Thank you.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Are you kidding me?
(EXHALES)
(BURPS)
(GROANS) Oh, God.
Oh, Bianca.
You know, a month ago,
I was feeding the homeless
in Long Beach.
I mean, I help old people
cross the road all the time.
I am a good person.
Of course you are.
You made peace.
Yeah, but at what cost?
I feel like Michael Corleone.
You saw the movie?
No. I read
the Wikipedia summary.
Kristin, the world isn't
black and white.
Your grandfather
took care of my family.
He put my mother
through school
-and gave us shelter and food.
-Huh.
And bought me this leg.
I owe him everything.
My point is, just because
you're a Mafia boss,
doesn't mean you have to be
a bad person.
Right. Right.
Wait, what did you say
about your leg?
When I was 13,
a truck hit my Vespa.
Oh, my God!
All the kids made fun of me.
Oh.
But Don Balbano came
to our house with a big box.
And he brought me
a prosthetic leg.
It changed my life.
Wow. I mean, jeez, I...
-I didn't even...
-(HOLLOW CLANG)
Couldn't tell. Looks so real.
Precision Swiss technology.
-Upgraded every five years.
-Huh.
So, Kristin, I'm living proof
that you can do a lot of good
with the power you have.
It's not about
losing yourself.
It's about becoming yourself.
But if this isn't
what you want, you can leave.
I can?
You made peace.
You can go home
to your old life.
To the old you.
Oh, no, I don't wanna go back
to that me.
I don't like that one.
No, I don't think so.
Then what do you wanna do?
Well,
we're involved in an
import/export business, right?
Mmm-hmm.
KRISTIN: Hmm.
I think I have an idea.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KRISTIN: It's a win-win,
right?
Because we keep prices low
and we sell medications
to people in Italy
that they can't usually find
at a reasonable rate.
Because it's not just
about profit.
It's about
helping people, right?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
I was just thinking.
We've been together
a few months now
and I have never
been to your place. (CHUCKLES)
You're still quite secretive.
I am not secretive.
I'm not. Come here,
I'm gonna take a photo
of us and the Vaticano.
-(CLEARS THROAT) Right. Ready?
-Okay.
-Yay.
-Yay.
There. Okay.
And now I am posting it.
Immediately. There.
There we are. Done.
-Okay.
-Mmm-hmm.
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
Nicky. Oh, my God,
I miss you so much.
(WHISPERS) It's my son.
Who's the dude?
Uh, he is my pasta teacher.
We're just out
buying double zero flour.
Okay. I gotta go to class.
Um, I love you.
I love you.
Pasta teacher?
Honestly, I just feel like
you're not
telling me something.
-Oh, really?
-Don't you trust me?
-Stop it.
-Don't you trust me?
Don't even joke.
-You can tell me anything.
-(SIGHS)
I love you.
(SEAGULLS CALLING)
Oh, my God. Paul?
-Your Paul?
-That Paul?
Get off me! Who the hell
are these guys?
What the hell
are you doing here?
I flew here to find you.
I saw your Insta.
Dammit. I post
one stupid photo.
(PAUL WHIMPERING)
(CHUCKLES) He's much weaker
than I imagined.
And I imagined
someone very weak.
-Who's Paul?
-I'm her husband!
No... (SIGHS)
-You are married?
-No, we are separated.
Look, I can see you're
a pretty handsome guy
and you've been having
some great sex...
Dante, please take him
back to the villa.
-Come on, Paul. Let's go.
-What, what? Let me go.
So he gets to go
to your place, but I can't?
No, it's not like that. No.
You told me you were divorced.
Well, we may as well be.
He's a horrible husband
who cheated on me.
-No. No.
-No, I mean...
It's taken me
so long to trust again.
-And I really care about you.
-No, no.
I... I care about you.
I care about you so much.
Then let's be honest
with each other.
Is there anything else
you are keeping from me?
(ALDO CLEARS HIS THROAT)
-Hmm?
-Um...
Oh, my God. Um...
I'm so sorry, I really do
have to go deal with this.
-Okay? I'm sorry.
-Sure, go.
-It's okay.
-I'll see you.
-KRISTIN: God dammit, Paul.
-DANTE: Just stay back!
PAUL: (MUFFLED)
I need to pee, please.
-What did you guys do?
-I shut his mouth.
He's very annoying.
PAUL: I need to pee.
I can't hold it.
Okay. Okay.
Nice and easy.
Actually, Dante, can you grab
some baby oil and Q-tips?
-I think it'll be...
-Ow!
Dammit! I was just
getting over a cold sore.
The cheater does not
deserve your care.
You told these people
about Tracy?
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Hey. Hey.
(GROANS) Dammit!
No one talks to her that way.
Show some respect. Huh?
-To Kristin?
-(SPITS)
Ew. Kristin, do something.
Why are you so nice
-to this stronzo?
-(GRUNTS)
How dare you call me something
I don't even know
what it means?
Who the hell are these people?
They are her best
grape squashers.
And I'm the label maker.
Yes. I am a vintner now.
-You make swords?
-Wine, stronzo.
I'm gonna look that word up
as soon as I get outta here.
Why are you even here?
I hadn't heard from you.
I was worried about you.
I miss you.
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
Okay.
Okay, fine.
After you lost your job,
our joint bank account
is empty.
-(SCOFFS)
-So, I figured, you know,
since I'm your husband,
I should probably come
live with you in the villa.
Oh, my God. It all makes
perfect sense now.
You only came here
to get something else from me!
Go home, Paul.
Actually, you only had enough
points for a one-way ticket.
-(SCOFFS) Pathetic.
-He's not worth it.
What did you see in him?
-Just take my card and...
-Kristin, no.
Don't!
-No, you're better than this.
-You're right.
-I should just book it myself.
-No, Kristin.
-That's not what we meant!
-That's worse.
Fine. Fine.
-Paul, you're a grown-ass man!
-(DANTE LAUGHS)
-Figure it out yourself!
-There you go.
Own your power. Brava.
-(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-So, take him to the airport!
(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)
You've been stress
-grape gathering all night.
-(SIGHS)
Stop worrying
about your imbecile husband.
He'll find his way home.
Or he won't.
No, it's just that, you know,
Paul hurt me so much
over the years
with all the lying.
And I don't wanna do that
to Lorenzo.
But you can't tell Lorenzo
about this part of your life.
I know. I know.
But what if it wasn't
part of my life?
What are you saying?
I'm saying...
I want out.
But the family heads
are meeting today.
I'm not allowed at the table,
but you and Fabrizio
have to be there.
Okay, perfect.
Well, that's where
I'll announce my resignation.
But you can't just leave.
Actually, yes, I can.
You said,
once I made peace, remember?
(LAUGHS)
-You believed me.
-(SCOFFS)
I knew you wouldn't go back
to your old sad life.
Besides, that was before
you created all this beauty.
The pharmacy business.
Helping people.
I know. I just wanna
give Lorenzo a chance.
So, you're willing
to give up all of this
for a man you barely know?
What? We've been
dating for months!
Have you farted
in front of him?
Well, like a tiny little...
(IMITATES FART)
(LAUGHS)
He didn't hear it.
But, you know,
he did fart
in front of me once.
But, really,
I've made up my mind.
Fine.
I just hope
this is what you want.
Never let a man dictate
who you are or what you can do.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Thank you all
for joining us today.
We called this meeting
to discuss
your pharmaceutical business.
Yes.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Donna Balbano.
And I brought
a little something special
-for everybody today.
-(SNAPS FINGERS)
(CASE UNLOCKING)
Ta-da! I made muffins.
(LAUGHS)
I know you may not
wanna eat them
because of the whole
poison thing,
but please remember,
we are at peace.
See? Mmm.
Poison-free muffins. (GIGGLES)
I just thought
it would be really nice
-to break bread together.
-Kristin!
-My bananas were going bad...
-Enough!
And I needed to use them.
Your business is causing
quite the problem for us.
I deal with
pharmaceuticals, Mammone.
I'm not touching electronics,
or your cars.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
But all of our business
has to pass by the inspectors.
And the inspectors
are on your payroll.
(YELLING IN ITALIAN)
Hey, listen, listen. I could
talk to the inspectors.
I have a great rapport
with them.
The damage is done.
We are losing a lot of money.
You must pay
a percentage of your business.
Actually, now is really
not the best time.
I was hoping we can keep
all this beautiful peace
that we've been enjoying.
You know, I'm alive.
You guys are all alive.
In fact, these muffins
are kind of a parting gift.
I'm planning on
stepping down shortly.
(MEN MURMURING IN ITALIAN)
Oh, I'll be leaving you
in very good hands.
Bianca will be taking over
as the new boss
of the Balbano family.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Your secretary?
She is so much more than
a secretary.
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-You have no idea.
Nice joke.
You think you can
fuck us all over
and leave?
No.
It doesn't work like that.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Let's all calm down.
I'm not fucking anybody over.
(IN ITALIAN)
Oh, my God, you're a cop?
Not fucking us over, eh?
(IN ITALIAN)
(FEMALE OFFICER
SPEAKING ITALIAN)
motherfuckers!
Aunt Esmeralda?
(LORENZO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(GROANS)
-Oh, my...
(SCREAMING)
(SCATTERED GUNSHOTS)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING)
-DANTE: Kristin! Kristin!
(KRISTIN SCREAMING)
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Kristin. Kristin!
-Let's go!
-Okay.
Stay low.
(SCREAMS)
(GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING)
(GUNSHOTS)
So, you were just using me
this whole entire time?
My parents were gunned down
by the Mafia
right in front of me!
At my soccer game.
After I missed a goal.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(ALDO AND DANTE YELLING)
Uzi.
(ALDO AND DANTE REPEATING)
(GASPS)
I was assigned to this case...
So I'm just a case?
What about your marriage,
and your ex, that's lies?
Mostly.
And who the fuck is Esmeralda?
You mean Maria? She's my boss.
(GASPS) And who are you?
-I am Rodolfo.
-Rodolfo?
Yes, but you can call me Rudy.
Rudy? I'm not
calling you anything.
(ESMERALDA YELLING IN ITALIAN)
(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)
Mama!
(CRYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God.
Are you even a pasta maker?
We were gonna
run away together.
We were gonna
open a restaurant.
I was gonna make the wine,
you were gonna make the food.
I was gonna get fat
and you weren't gonna care.
It was gonna be heaven!
How fat?
(GASPS)
Get away from me.
Please. No, no, Kristin,
please. (GROANS) Kristin.
No, I am not talking to you.
We are done.
Uh, no, Kristin.
I'm arresting you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for this.
(GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING)
Come on.
(DANTE AND ALDO SPITTING)
I...
(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-You...
have a finger in your hair.
(GASPS)
Stick it up your ass!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
WAITER: Ciao.
KRISTIN: So...
This is
your first trial, right?
-Mmm-hmm.
-Oh, good for you.
(LAUGHS ANXIOUSLY)
JENNY: Wait. Wait.
-Excuse me.
-KRISTIN: Oh, my God, Jenny!
-Kristin.
-(EXCLAIMS)
-Don't say anything.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my goodness. Hey!
Take your hands
off of my client!
-Give me that. Give...
-(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
What are you,
still in diapers?
Bianca called me.
You didn't think I was gonna
let my best friend
rot in an Italian jail,
did you?
I saw the Amanda Knox doc. No.
Oh, my God.
How did they get out of jail?
Not enough evidence
to charge them.
Right. And what about Bianca?
Where is she?
It's better for you
if she's not here.
Okay, got it.
(GASPS)
-That Lorenzo?
-Yeah.
(MOUTHING) Hi.
(ECHOES) Dick!
(SIGHS) Such a good echo.
-(SINGING) What a dick!
-(KRISTIN GIGGLES)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
(JUDGE SPEAKING ITALIAN)
PROSECUTOR: Signora Giudice,
today I will show that
Ms. Balbano has taken over
the criminal enterprise
of her grandfather,
Giuseppe Balbano.
Madame Judge,
Signora Giudice,
I will show you that my client
simply came to Italy
to pay her respects and found
that she had
inherited a vineyard.
Now, was my client
seen in a room
filled with
questionable people?
Sure. But only to tell them
that she wanted no part of it.
(SCOFFS)
Giannina,
could you tell us
your dealings
with the Indagato.
Well, everyone else
calls me "waitress,"
cameriera,
but she calls me by my name.
She likes my bonsai tree.
She tells us
we are her best vintners.
She makes us feel appreciated.
So, we repay our gratitude
by being her bodyguards.
DANTE: We go with her
at the meeting
because they want to hurt
-sweet woman.
-(SIGHS)
They are very, very,
very bad guys.
Look what they did
to the poor Dante.
How long was this
undercover operation of yours?
Well, I've been investigating
Giuseppe Balbano for years.
When I met the Indagato,
she'd just landed in Italy
for the funeral...
And when did you start having
sexual relations
with my client?
I ask the questions here!
And when did you start
having sexual relations
with the Indagato?
About...
one day after.
-But she was asking for it.
-(JENNY GASPS)
Okay. I mean, not...
I mean, not asking.
But she said this trip
was her "Eat, Pray, Fuck."
The book is Eat, Pray, Love.
You took advantage of
an innocent winemaker
and sullied
a literary masterpiece.
You gross.
I came to this country
at a time in my life
where I
completely doubted myself.
Then when I arrived here,
I discovered that
I had inherited a vineyard.
It was shriveling
and dying...
much like me.
So, I nurtured it.
And I came to realize
that I inherited so much more
than a vineyard.
I inherited an opportunity
to fulfil my purpose.
So...
I inherited me.
Thank you.
I don't need to hear
anything anymore.
I've made my decision.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
No grounds to proceed.
(CHEERING)
He's gonna give me
a ride home.
Bravo! (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Kristin?
Kristin, wait, wait,
wait, wait...
Congratulations.
Well, I just wanted you
to know that it wasn't all lies.
I really did
fall in love with you.
And I still love you.
(SIGHS)
I thought I was listening
to my heart.
But it turns out
I was just using another man
to validate me.
And for the first time
in my life...
(SIGHS) I honestly
don't give a shit.
Oh, my God. Dante. Dante.
Oh, my God,
those goddamn Romanos.
(ALDO EXCLAIMING)
Oh, he's losing
a lot of blood.
(WHISPERING)
Here, I've got this thing.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We need to get him some help.
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
-Oh, God, who is this?
-(ALDO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
It's Bianca.
She's in the winery.
Oh, my God,
she's been shot, too.
Uh, uh, okay, you stay with
Dante and I'll go to Bianca.
Wait, wait, wait.
-(COCKS GUN)
-Just in case.
Bianca?
What? Nicky.
-Bianca is dead.
-(KRISTIN GASPS)
DOMENICK: Mom.
FABRIZIO: I knew
you'd come back
if your precious
Bianca texted you.
Drop the gun.
And kick it to me.
Good girl.
KRISTIN: What are you guys
doing here?
FABRIZIO: You can
thank your husband for this.
He lured your son here to...
something about
guilting you
into taking him back.
Look, I was worried
about you, Mom.
-Oh, honey.
-(MOCKINGLY) Honey.
What do you want?
Are you serious?
I want to be the head
of the Balbano family!
-(FIRES GUN)
-I told everyone I'm leaving.
And leaving it all
to fucking Bianca!
Hey!
Really, Paul? You're just
gonna waddle out of here
and leave our son
sitting there?
-(STRAINING)
-Whoa, whoa!
No!
Don't you dare touch my kid!
(BOTH GROWLING)
(GROANING)
Mom, look out.
-(GUNSHOT)
-(BULLET WHIZZES)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
(GUNSHOT)
I've been shot. It burns.
You have
terrible taste in men.
No shit.
Paul, untie our son
-and get the hell outta here!
-Untie me.
Babe, this knot is impossible.
(GROANS) Hold on.
-(BITES)
-(SCREAMS)
-Paul. Here, take this.
-Yeah? Okay.
Keep it pointed at him, okay?
Yeah, it's heavy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GRUNTS) There. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Are you?
Oh, God, I'm so happy
to see you.
-I've missed you so much.
-How are you?
Hey, hey,
I loosened the knot, right?
You're a baby.
I'm not a baby, you're a baby.
You're a big, fat, podgy baby.
You're a big, stupid,
blonde baby.
You're a baby with big poop
in your diaper.
-Mom!
-Don't move!
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
Bianca, you're alive!
Of course I am.
No, no, no...
Fabrizio is a terrible shot.
FABRIZIO: Wait, wait, wait.
I saw you die.
You saw me take a bullet
like a woman.
But there is a fucking
major artery right there.
Wrong leg, idiot.
-(YELLS IN ITALIAN)
-(HOLLOW CLANGING)
-BIANCA: High tension steel.
-It's fucking cool, man.
(LAUGHS)
I did have to re-adjust it.
That's why it took me
so long. Sorry.
Oh, honey,
I'm just glad you're okay.
Grazie, amore.
(CRIES OUT) I'm hit again.
Dad, come on.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(BULLETS WHIZZING)
(BIANCA CHUCKLES)
KRISTIN: Bianca,
take care of my kid, okay?
Make a break for the door.
I'll cover. Now!
PAUL: Come on, Nicky.
-Come on. Come on.
-(GUNSHOTS)
Go, go.
-Help me, Nicky.
-Come on.
(LOUD METALLIC CLATTER)
FABRIZIO: Drop it.
(GUN CLATTERS)
You think you can just
come here and take over?
This is mine! All of it!
I earned it!
Uh, you didn't earn anything.
I'm the one
who had to come over here
and clean your mess up.
Oh, please.
Oh, yeah.
I am the one who made this
awful wine
fucking delicious.
Yeah, me. This.
I have done more
for this family
in the last three months
than you have
your entire life.
And yet you feel entitled
to be the boss?
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH CURSING IN ITALIAN)
(GROWLS ANGRILY)
(FABRIZIO SCREAMS)
Oh, my God. Uh...
Oops. Are you, uh...
I guess
it's a little rusty, huh?
I should get this fixed.
Help me!
Please. Please, cousin.
(CREAKING)
(BOTH STRAINING)
Say it.
What?
Say I'm the boss.
Never!
Then, as the boss,
I'm gonna have to let you go.
(LAUGHS)
I've always
wanted to say that.
You can't do it, can you?
Hey. Hey, stop! No!
No!
-(FABRIZIO SCREAMING)
-(BONES CRUNCHING)
-(MACHINE GROANING)
-(ALARM BLARING)
(SHUDDERS, GAGS)
(GASPS)
(BREATHING STEADILY)
(MACHINE STOPS)
(SOBS AND SIGHS)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
KRISTIN: Okay. Introducing
the newest Balbano rose.
It's called Little Pinky.
-KRISTIN: Salute.
-GROUP: Salute.
KRISTIN: Whoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES)
(ALL MOANING IN DELIGHT)
That is crisp.
You know, this Balbano wine's
gonna get me
into some serious trouble.
Blackout Jenny is coming.
All right, all right, sweetie,
you should get going.
Heard you got shot.
Yeah, I got shot, too.
-I got, like, five stitches.
-Oh.
How about you?
Twenty-seven stitches.
And they left the bullet
in my spleen.
-You wanna touch it?
-No. Put it away.
Oh.
-I wanna touch it.
-Mmm.
Now, come. Show me around.
You know, I never realized
what a badass you are.
-You know, neither did I.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Domenick, there's something
I need to tell you.
Your father and I
are getting a divorce.
Are you okay?
I know it's a lot to take in.
I was just held hostage...
-at gunpoint.
-(SIGHS)
Divorce is fine. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Come here.
I hate saying goodbye to you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, but I'll see you
next week, Mom.
Uh, yeah.
-Love you.
-Actually, um...
I've been
thinking about it, and...
-I'm gonna stay here.
-Seriously?
Yeah. Balbano Wine's
really taking off.
And for the first time
in my life,
I'm doing exactly
what I wanna do.
Yeah, but are you sure
it's safe here?
Aren't there a lot of people
who, like, wanna hurt you?
No, that's not a problem
any more.
(MEN CHATTERING)
PRISON GUARD: Hey, Mammone.
(LAUGHS)
MAMMONE: "Don't fuck with me
or you're next."
(GASPS)
MAMMONE: (SOFTLY) Fabrizio.
(IN ITALIAN)
But you're not like,
you know...
in the Mafia, right?
I make wine. That's all.
-A vintner?
-Yeah.
I wanna stay here
-and be a vintner with you.
-No.
-Call me.
-(SIGHS)
(DANTE SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Mr. and Mrs. Martelli for you.
Grazie, Donna Balbano.
(KRISTIN IN ITALIAN)
Uh, Nicky. Wait, wait, wait.
I made you some trail mix
for the flight.
And don't forget
to put on your sweater, okay.
It gets chilly
on the plane.
-I love you.
-You, too.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING)
(MELLOW JAZZ
MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNSHOTS)
(DOGS HOWLING)
This means war.
(SPITS)
(UPBEAT ITALIAN SONG PLAYING)
(LINE RINGING)
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-(WOMAN CRYING)
(BEEPS)
(WOMAN SNIFFLING)
(BLOWS NOSE)
(CONTINUES CRYING)
Oh, my baby.
Fucking college.
-(VAN HORN BEEPS)
-WOMAN: Okay,
so, I checked
the weather in Portland
and it's 85 degrees,
so you will need
your sunscreen.
Yeah, I know, Mom.
It's in my backpack.
You got all
your other toiletries?
Yes, in my bag
that you packed.
-(WOMAN SIGHS)
-While I watched,
remember?
You were crying
the whole time.
Yeah, what a mess.
It's not like he's going
off to war. It's just Oregon.
I know, I know,
but it's such
an amazing time in your life,
you can literally become
anyone you wanna be.
-Mom?
-You could
change the world.
-Mom?
-You could
colonize Mars.
-I mean...
-Mom,
you're spiraling.
-Sorry, sorry, boys.
We'll just be one minute.
-BOTH MEN: No problem.
And remember...
-Lakers for life.
-Lakers for
life, I know.
Come back a Blazers fan,
I'm not gonna let you
-back in the house.
-Yeah, I know, Dad.
-Stop.
-I'm serious.
Stop eating
the trail mix.
It's for Nicky.
It's a long trip.
Um, I guess
this is it.
I'm sorry,
I'm a little emotional.
Mom, Dad.
-Okay.
-I love you. I love you.
-I love you. I love you.
-(DOMENICK CHUCKLES)
-DOMENICK: Okay, see you later.
-KRISTIN: Call me when
you get there.
DOMENICK:
Yo, let's... fuckin' go.
-(CHUCKLES)
-FRIEND 1: Freedom!
FRIEND 2: Let's do this.
There goes our baby.
-(HORN TOOTS)
-Ah!
I love you!
(VAN DRIVES AWAY)
Every woman
dreams of full brows
and long luscious
eyelashes.
And thanks to Profizal's
hair-generating technology,
I believe we have
a real opportunity
to market this
to chemo patients.
(MANAGER GROANS)
It's too sad.
I mean,
anybody here wanna be sad?
-OFFICE WORKER: No.
-MANAGER: Nobody
wants to be sad.
Where's the ad that says
Profizal puts hair
on men's heads?
That's who we should
be marketing to.
Insecure men
with lots of cash.
No, actually, Dad,
ICO labs said Profizal
-doesn't work on scalps.
-It doesn't?
-No.
-MANAGER: Oh, shit.
We gotta get you on
another project, dammit.
Oh, what about Restylane?
The anti-ageing filler?
Yes, the new
Galderma product
for older women.
Because, you know,
you're a...
(HESITANTLY)
...you're... you're
an expert, really.
I mean, you're of
a certain age bracket.
-I'm 40.
-Whoa! I did not
ask her age.
Everybody saw
that, right?
Would never do that.
Look, I really think
this would be
a perfect fit for you.
Okay.
Randy, what do you got?
Erectile dysfunction, Hank,
is a thing of the past
with Thoracinil.
(MEN LAUGHING)
RANDY: Hey. So, Thoracinil
is banned in the EU,
so we can't
use Mykonos
but he's on a jet-ski.
I love those.
-I love jet-skis.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-(INDISTINCCONVERSATION)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hello?
-WOMAN: (ON PHONE)
Is this Kristin Balbano?
Uh, well,
it's Kristin Dorner
Balbano
is my maiden name.
You never give up
the name Balbano.
Sorry? Who is this?
I am Bianca
and I have
terrible news.
Giuseppe Balbano
is dead.
-(ROCK MUSIC BLARING
ON SPEAKERS)
-Oh, my father's father.
God, I didn't even
know he was alive.
Can you hold
on a sec?
Paul!
My husband's
in a band.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Your grandfather
is dead.
You need to
settle his affairs.
His affairs? But, I mean,
I don't even know him.
You're named specifically
in his will.
We'll fly you to Italy.
You'll leave
tomorrow night.
Wait. What, did you say Italy?
Like, as in Italy Italy?
Yes, Italy.
Oh, that sounds...
No, I... No, I can't
just get on a plane
and head on over
to my dream place.
Everything is crazy
at work right now
and my husband
needs me, you know?
-And I just can't see
that I can get away...
-(WOMAN MOANING IN PLEASURE)
PAUL: Quiet, listen
to my lyric here.
(SINGING) I'm no longer
Ear-ear-earth...
I gotta go.
...Bound
-(BOTH EXCLAIMING IN PLEASURE)
-(MUSIC SWITCHES OFF)
-PAUL: What time is it?
-(BOTH SIGHING)
Kristin...
-Before you start...
-Hey
-Hey.
-Listen, I just want
you to know I'm a feminist.
Uh...
We met before.
-Really?
-WOMAN: Yeah.
At Domenick's school,
I'm the guidance
counsellor.
(GASPS)
-Oh, my God.
-WOMAN: I...
It's just that,
I wouldn't have done
this if you had
more faith in
your husband.
He's a great songwriter.
I know. (CHUCKLES)
Tracy, it's time
for you to go.
What?
(KRISTIN CRYING)
-Listen.
-Yes, listening.
-I support your
right to be angry.
-KRISTIN: Thank you so much.
-That's really kind.
-Yeah, maybe call me,
we can talk this through.
-Really? You would do that?
-What d'you say?
-TRACY: Yeah.
-KRISTIN: Sure, I mean...
-TRACY: Bye.
-Bye.
(CRYING)
Kris, I am so sorry.
This is really hard
for me to admit but,
I have this illness.
All I wanna do
is have sex.
(KRISTIN SIGHS HEAVILY)
I mean,
I wanna have sex, too.
We haven't had
sex in, like,
-three years.
-Yeah, I know,
but I mean,
with a new person.
Oh!
Yeah, it's not personal, it's...
-(KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
-Hey,
I left my phone.
My phone.
(KRISTIN SIGHS)
-This one?
-Yeah, thank you.
It's just hard, you know,
with Domenick leaving,
it's just a big adjustment.
Don't defend
that douche stain.
He's a grown-ass man
working at a Starbucks.
INSTRUCTOR:
Stranger grabs your purse.
WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
Stranger grabs
your boob.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
-What? Oh, my God!
-Is that him?
-Is that him? Give me
the phone.
-No, it's Italy calling again.
They want me to fly to Rome
tomorrow night
to settle his affairs.
I mean, that's crazy,
right? I can't go.
Kristin,
what do you
masturbate to?
Italian cooking shows.
I mean, more specifically,
Stanley Tucci:
Searching for Italy.
There was this one episode
where he went to this
burrata factory,
and it was all creamy
and he got his hands
in all the milky stuff.
-It was so...
-Stop. You've masturbated
this fantasy into
existence.
You have to go.
Stranger puts
a gun in your face.
Jenny, my boss just
assigned me a new campaign.
Well, make it
a business trip.
ICO has suppliers
all over the globe.
How do you think
I got to go to Brazil,
Iceland and Ireland
-last year, huh?
-I don't know.
To settle their lawsuits.
Well, shouldn't I stay here
and work on my marriage?
You should work on
getting your pussy pounded.
-(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
-Stranger says
you're prettier
when you smile.
WOMEN: Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.
Stop thinking about
everybody else.
Start thinking about you.
Fine, then think
about your grandfather's
last dying wish.
Oh, my God
maybe I should go.
-Did you see
what I did there?
-No.
I just got you to go
to Italy by putting
-someone else's feelings
ahead of your own.
-All right, all right,
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I'm gonna go
and I'm gonna have my own
Under the Tuscan Sun.
Or Eat, Pray, Love.
Fuck.
What?
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
(LAUGHS)
Say it.
What, Eat, Pray... Fuck?
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Jesus.
Eat, Pray...
-Fuck.
-Say it again.
(EXHALES) Eat, Pray...
-Fuck!
-Louder.
-From the vagina!
-WOMAN: Eat, Pray, Fuck.
WOMEN: Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
Eat, Pray, Fuck.
(EURO POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENIN ITALIAN OVER SPEAKER)
Hey, Nicky. It's Mom.
I just wanna let you know
I landed safe, in Italy.
(LAUGHS) I even bought
myself a journal at the airport.
I've always wanted a journal.
(EXCLAIMS)
Um, anyway... Shit.
Sorry, not you.
I love you. Anyway...
Oh... Whoa!
(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
you can stand up,
-if you like.
-Oh, my God. Right.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, my God,
you smell so good.
(LAUGHS) Um, I'm, um...
Oh, my God, what is
my name? (LAUGHS)
Sorry. Kristin. Hi.
-Kristin, I'm Lorenzo.
-Yes. Hello, Lorenzo.
-Lorenzo! (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(LORENZO) Scusa!
-It's okay.
-This is my
Aunt Esmeralda.
-Oh.
She just got back
from holiday in Greece.
-Oh, nice.
-Yeah.
And she wants
to get home.
Hi. Ciao. I'm Kristin.
I'm just visiting.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I mean,
I was born here,
but I haven't
been back
since I was a... a baby.
(ESMERALDA IN ITALIAN)
What did she say?
She wants me to ask
for your number.
But don't worry,
I don't want to assume.
-Well...
-LORENZO: So...
Ciao.
Uh, no, no.
Wait. I mean, (CHUCKLING)
if Aunt Esmeralda
wants my number,
who am I to say "no?"
Oh, sorry. I am not
usually so veloce
with asking for
phone numbers.
-What is veloce?
-Oh, yeah. Quick.
If... if you knew that,
it would have been funnier.
No, it's very funny, I get it.
I got it, Veloce.
Veloce is good. I...
I like your veloce-ness.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
My God!
-What was that?
-LORENZO: I am so sorry.
-KRISTIN: It's okay.
-LORENZO: So, are you here on
business or pleasure?
Um, well...
pleasure. You know,
grandfather just died and...
Oh, no, I... I didn't know
him, that's not...
that part's sad, but, um...
So maybe...
half pleasure.
I have to run.
Yes, sure. Um...
Well, I'll... I'll call you.
What...
just happened?
-Oh, my God.
-Kristin Balbano.
Yes.
Bianca sent us
to take you to the funeral.
-Oh, hi. I...
-I'm Aldo.
Okay. Nice to meet you,
Aldo. Yes.
-I'm Dante.
-Hello, Dante.
Nice to meet you.
-Your driver.
-Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I... It's very... So kind.
(ITALIAN JAZZ SONG PLAYING)
Hey, you guys. I am gonna
change now, okay?
So don't turn around or...
-DANTE: The Colosseum.
-Can you at least,
please, just, like, go slow?
-ALDO: The Vatican.
-KRISTIN: The Vaticano?
Did I miss it?
I missed it, right?
-Oh, shit. Ugh, God.
Where is my lipstick?
-ALDO: Fontana Acqua Paola.
-KRISTIN: I dropped
my lipstick.
-ALDO: Il Fontanone.
Oh, what? Where is it?
-Can we go back?
-We have to go
to the funeral.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)
Oh, thank you.
Whew, thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
There he is.
Hi.
We have the same eyes.
We have the same eyes.
That's...
-(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
-MAN: Buongiorno.
(CHOIR SINGING IN ITALIAN)
(CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING
IN ITALIAN)
Hi. Ciao. Sorry. Um...
Are you Bianca?
Sit.
This is Fabrizio,
your grandfather's
great nephew.
Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you.
So, that must make us, like,
second cousins, right?
I'm sorry for your loss.
Is he mad at me?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
ALL: Amen.
(FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING)
Uh...
what did my grandfather do?
He was a winemaker.
He made wine?
I wanna make wine.
Oh, my God,
it must be in the genes.
I mean, you can't
argue genes, right?
(FUNERAL MARCH CONTINUES)
(ENGINE REVVING)
-(GUNSHOT)
-(KRISTIN SCREAMS)
-(GUNSHOTS)
-(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
(GUNFIRE)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
hey. Are you okay?
(IN ITALIAN)
Veloce means quick.
Quick, quick, quick!
He needs help!
(SCREAMING)
-(BELL TOLLS)
-(SHOOTER GROANS)
-(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
-(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE ROARS)
(EXCLAIMS, SCREAMS)
-DANTE: Hmm.
-(KRISTIN GASPS)
(WHIMPERING LOUDLY)
(SCREAMING).
(ALDO YELLING IN ITALIAN)
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
(EXPLOSION)
(UPBEAT ITALIAN
SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Say hello
to my little friend, Nico.
What the fuck is going on?
(UPBEAT ITALIAN
SWING MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(IN ITALIAN)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Aldo and Dante are my drivers,
but who are you, really?
-Soldati.
-For the Army or...
(IN ITALIAN)
(BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING
IN ITALIAN)
Scusi. Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm still in the dark here.
No, no, it's a figure
of speech.
Can someone please just
tell me what's going on?
Your grandfather,
Don Giuseppe Balbano,
may he rest in peace,
was murdered
-by the Romanos.
-(HACKING UP SPIT)
We invited them
for a meeting,
but things went wrong.
Our Don
and their Don got killed.
(FABRIZIO IN ITALIAN)
They disrespected
the funeral!
They shot at
the coffin!
(IN ITALIAN)
(METAL CLATTERING)
MAN: Don Carlo.
(IN ITALIAN)
(CARLO SNIFFLES)
(BOTH SPIT)
(KRISTIN HYPERVENTILATING)
(BIANCA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-Okay, thank you,
thank you.
Grazie.
The wine's bad. The wine's
gone bad. That's...
The wine is bad.
It's a front.
Oh, God. Is that why
he got murdered?
No, that's crazy.
I mean, is it?
(SIGHS) Your grandfather
was not just a winemaker.
No?
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
GIUSEPPE: (ON VIDEO)
Ciao, Kristin Balbano.
I'm your grandfather,
Giuseppe Balbano.
If you are watching this...
I'm dead.
I'm sorry I never
got to see you grow up,
but I am even more sorry
that you grew up
without a father.
My father died in
a construction accident.
Your father did not die
in a construction accident.
Your father was killed
by a member of the...
Romano family.
-(SPITS)
-(ALL SPITTING)
After this incident,
your mother took you
back to America
in search of a safer place.
(CLATTERING ON VIDEO)
Hey.
I told her
that the safest place
would be with us,
but I respected
her wishes.
You do not cross a mother.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
-It's you.
-Oh.
I remember when
you were born,
picciridda mia.
(SIGHS FONDLY)
I held you in my arms...
and I thought, "One day
"she will be a brave,
confident woman
"who will make me proud."
Saying goodbye to you,
my only grandchild,
was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.
(FIRE ROARS)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
And so,
my dying wish
is that you,
my direct bloodline,
take over
and be the new boss
of the Balbano family.
(IN ITALIAN)
My trusted general, Bianca...
(FABRIZIO EXCLAIMS)
...will be by your side
to help you.
Kristin,
I know you will
respect my wishes
as I respected your mother's.
(FIRE CRACKLING LOUDLY)
(SHOUTING IN ITALIAN)
Oh, this isn't...
(GIUSEPPE CONTINUES
IN ITALIAN ON VIDEO)
uh, no.
I think there's been
a bit of a mistake
because there
is no way that I...
Me?
(IN ITALIAN)
This has been
very informative,
but I have a Colosseum
tour at 5 p.m.,
-so I gotta go get a cab.
-No, you can't leave.
If the boss says
you are the boss,
-you are the boss
now, comprende?
-Yeah, yeah but
you know what?
I am not a boss,
like, not in any way,
shape or form,
so, you know, especially
not in a Mafia kind of way.
(IN ITALIAN)
-(SHUSHES)
I should be the boss!
Yes, yes. Good idea.
He should be the boss.
I mean, who am I to steal
anyone's boss thunder?
Besides, I've got a lot
of shit going on at home,
my son just
went to college
and my husband
just cheated on me, so...
You want we should
take care of him? Hmm?
-DANTE: Mmm?
-No!
No.
No, God, no, no.
I just need a vacation,
I just really want
my Eat, Pray, Fuck!
Eat, Pray, Fuck?
Yeah, it's a play
on words,
you know, the book,
Eat, Pray, Love?
Yeah, it's a very uplifting
and moving memoir by...
Elizabeth Gilbert.
Yes! Yes, see, he knows.
Yeah, I wanna make wine,
and I wanna eat pasta,
and be romanced, and...
But you came for a funeral.
Yeah. I mean, you know,
-after the funeral.
-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Lorenzo. It's Lorenzo,
I should take this.
How are you?
-Give me this.
-Hey, what? No.
What? No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
I just paid that off!
I won't get another
upgrade for a year
and how is Lorenzo supposed
to get in touch with me?
How will I ever have sex?
(SIGHS, GROANS)
You cannot be speaking
to random strangers.
It's too dangerous.
He's not a stranger,
he's gorgeous.
(KRISTIN SIGHS)
Okay.
You know what?
I'm done.
-Bye. (LAUGHS DRYLY)
-(DOOR CLOSES)
BIANCA: Kristin!
Kristin!
You can't run away
from your destiny.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Which way is it?
It's that way!
But I must warn you,
once you walk out those gates,
you will no longer
be under our protection.
Also, you have no phone.
(KRISTIN SIGHING)
(CRYING)
You said you
wanted to learn
how to make wine, yes?
We have machines
to crush grapes now,
but this is the classic way.
This does feel kinda nice, huh?
You must stomp on the grapes
-to release their juices.
-Yes.
And you must also take over
as the Balbano family boss.
(SHUDDERS)
This is insane.
Where would I even begin?
Shh. Come here.
Are we actually the Mafia?
Your grandfather
preferred to call it
the "invisible family."
-Oh, that's spooky.
-(SNAPS FINGERS)
Invisible but strong,
and we can't
appear weakened.
So, you must go
to a meeting
with our enemies,
the Romanos.
What, the... the people
who shot at us earlier?
(EXCLAIMS) Oh!
I mean, can't Fabrizio go?
It seems like
he would love this stuff.
It can't be Fabrizio.
He started the shootout.
He's a hot-head
-with a horrible temper.
-Hmm.
Just like Sonny.
Who's Sonny?
From The Godfather.
Oh, right. Yeah.
I never saw The Godfather.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God.
Okay, look, it's really hard
to find three and a half hours.
All you need to do
is offer their new Don
a part of the east.
-(SIGHS)
-Something your grandfather
was too stubborn to part with.
Please, we need someone
who's level-headed,
empathetic
-and unassuming.
-Did you just call me pathetic?
We need you.
No, I will never
be ready. No. No.
Also, we will give you
a new phone...
Oh. Oh, oh.
...so you can go
Eat, Pray, Fuck Lorenzo
once we finish
the background check.
-Background check?
-ALDO: Yeah.
Lorenzo Villaguzi, aged 33.
Oh, my God,
he's quite young.
-Men do it all the time.
-That's true.
-ALDO: He's born in Milano.
-Which we don't like.
Yeah, but it's okay, Dante.
-Yeah, Dante.
-And he's recently divorced.
(GASPS, LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
Jackpot! Oh, my God!
(LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God,
that's really good news.
-This is your new phone.
Yee!
-It's untraceable.
-Okay.
You meet with
Don Romano tonight
and then you can do
what you want with Lorenzo.
Deal?
Oh... (LAUGHS)
Uh...
-Yes, deal. Deal.
-(BIANCA EXCLAIMS)
-(TYPING)
-(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
BIANCA: Presenting
the new Donna Balbano.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You look like
a librarian from a library,
not a porno. (CHUCKLES)
Darling, come with me.
(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Again,
presenting la bellissima
Donna Balbano.
-(ALDO WHISTLES)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God, Valentino.
Hello.
-Yes.
-Turn around,
turn, turn.
ALDO: Hey.
-(KRISTIN LAUGHS)
-And that's what you wear
to meet a mob boss.
-You guys are gonna stay
with me the whole time, right?
-Yes.
-Of course.
-Okay, don't leave me.
Don't worry, Kristin.
(SIGHS) Okay.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I'll be your server tonight.
-Oh, I love
your glasses, Giannina.
-Thank you.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This is for your bag.
Oh, it's so cute.
Little monkey. (CHUCKLES)
All right.
Thank you.
You're not Fabrizio.
And you are not
what I was expecting.
I was told
I would be meeting
with the new Balbano
family boss.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
Yeah, that's me.
Kristin. The new boss.
(IN ITALIAN)
Ah.
for my rudeness.
Oh, no, not at all.
But, you know...
it was...
it was a bit of a shock
to see a beautiful
woman.
(LAUGHS)
Stop.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I am Carlo Romano,
the new boss.
Oh, well, there you go.
We're both new bosses,
we have so much in common.
Look at that. (CHUCKLES)
So, what were you thinking?
I was hoping
to try gnocchi.
I love gnocchi
and I promised myself
if I ever came to Italy,
I would eat as much
gnocchi as I could.
CARLO: No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
-I meant the territories.
-Hmm?
Oh, right, yes. Sorry, I...
Okay, Google,
open notes. Um,
so you can take the north and...
part of the east
extending to... Form-i-a?
Formia.
Formia.
Yes.
That's it.
(IN ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Thank you, Giannina.
She's sweet.
I ordered every gnocchi
on the menu.
Oh, my God,
someone's a good listener.
Prego.
Oh... Well...
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You... You want me
to try it first?
Yeah.
Well, no pressure. Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
That is delicious.
This is the best wine
I have ever had in my life.
Salute.
Salute.
(ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING)
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Listen, listen, listen.
It's Oreo.
They're two chocolate biscuits
held together...
with cream?
The cream... (LAUGHS)
The cream is my favorite part.
(CARLO CHUCKLES)
Uh, listen...
um, about your offer.
Are you sure we have to
stop at Formia? Hmm?
Hmm, well, that's what it says
in my notes.
Of course.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
In your notes.
(CARLO SIGHS)
Do you like limoncello?
Oh, I'm more of
a cherry jello person.
Oh. No, no, no. Limoncello.
It is, um,
it is a dessert liquor.
Oh. Oh, no, I don't know it.
We'll have it
in my hotel room. Upstairs.
-Hmm?
-(CHUCKLES)
(MAN IN ITALIAN)
Okay. Well, um,
you guys can wait outside
while we finish our business.
We don't think
this is a good idea.
Would you say that
to a male mob boss? No.
Please! It's been
three long years. Come on.
Thank you. Yes!
Ciao. (GIGGLES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(KRISTIN WHOOPING)
(KRISTIN MOANS)
Oh, come on. Oh, my God.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXCLAIMS
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Oh, you know what?
I don't think I can hold on.
I've just gotta pee
real quick.
-(SIGHS)
-I know. I'm sorry.
I'll make it real quick.
Come on. Ah!
All right. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay.
(KRISTIN HUMMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
(RAPID BREATHING)
(STRAINING)
(FARTS)
(SIGHS)
(SCOFFS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Right.
So much better.
There she is.
-(KRISTIN GIGGLES)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(KRISTIN HUMS SOFTLY)
-(GLASSES CLINK)
-(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)
-Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, so sorry,
I must take this.
Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine.
-Wait.
-I will.
(SIGHS)
Let's try this again.
Oh, okay. (GIGGLES)
(GLASSES CLINK)
Salute.
Salute.
(BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY)
Oh, Oh, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, my God. If you told me
three days ago
that I would be in
a hotel room in Italy
with a
handsome mob boss,
then I would say
you are crazy.
But here I am!
Yes. Yes, but not for long.
Oh, don't remind me.
I fly home
at the end of the week
and there's still so much
I wanna see.
I wanna go to
the Amalfi coast. Pompei.
(EXCITEDLY) The Vaticano!
(LAUGHS)
Too bad you won't see
any of those things.
Oh, no? Why? Because we'll be
too busy making love?
Don Romano does not
make love to dead women.
What?
The poison I put in your drink
should be travelling
to your heart by now.
-Oh, my God.
-Soon,
your lungs will collapse.
(GASPING) Oh, my God.
(GASPING FOR BREATH)
Oh, my God. No...
Hey, Aldo!
(SCREAMS)
-(CARLO SHUSHES)
-(KRISTIN SOBBING)
You are a Balbano.
My uncle killed your father.
One day you will come for me
and the rest of my family.
Eventually,
we all seek revenge...
like Vito Corleone.
I never saw The Godfather.
No!
No! It was
The Godfather Part Two!
Okay, okay.
Stupid American woman!
Your family is in chaos.
Soon the Romanos
will be the only...
(COUGHS)
...southern family here...
in... in...
(WEAKLY) ...in Lazio.
Are you okay?
Am I okay?
I'm okay.
Oh, my God.
-(CARLO GASPING)
-Right.
I switched our glasses
while you were on the phone.
(GASPS) I'm so sorry.
It's just that you poured me
a way bigger portion
and I didn't know if
I was gonna like limoncello.
And I didn't wanna be rude
because,
typically I don't
like lemon-flavored things.
I think it's because I took
a lot of lemon-flavored
Augmentin when I was a child.
It's an antibiotic
and it's really disgusting.
(SOBBING)
(CRYING OUT)
-(KRISTIN SCREAMS LOUDLY)
-Oh.
Three years.
-Ooh.
-Ah.
(KRISTIN CONTINUES GROANING)
(HIGH PITCHED) Oh, my God!
What do I do?
What do I do?
(SIGHS) Jenny.
Oh, my God, yeah, of course.
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
Please, Jenny, please.
Please answer the phone.
Please, please God.
Oh, please answer. Okay.
-JENNY: Sven. Yeah.
-SVEN: (OVER PHONE) Oh.
(IN SWEDISH)
Okay, think about it.
-Okay, Jenny.
-Yeah. Okay.
Hey, hey.
Find any hot Italian men yet?
(STUTTERS) Uh, yes. Lorenzo.
-You fuck him yet?
-Uh, he tried to kill me. And...
(WHISPERING) With his penis?
What? No, no, with poison. I...
A poisoned penis?
Slow down. Lorenzo did what?
No, no. Not Lorenzo. Carlo.
Wait, who the fuck is Carlo?
Oh, my God. He is this
super-hot mob boss
who I had dinner with.
But then he tried to poison me.
So, I switched our drinks.
And now he's dead.
Could I go to jail for this?
No. A little poison
switch-a-roo?
It's classic self-defense.
Oh, my God,
I killed a Mafia boss.
I am a dead woman.
(BREATHING ERRATICALLY)
(VOMITS)
-(SCREAMS OUT IN DISGUST)
-(MEN GRUNTING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
ALDO: Everything okay
in there?
(GASPS)
-(GUNSHOTS IN HALLWAY)
-Oh, my God.
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
Oh, my God.
-(BODY THUDS OUTSIDE)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ah!
(DOOR OPENS)
ALDO: You are terrible
at playing dead.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, it's you.
-Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you
so much.
-Kristin, please stop.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Is that a cannoli
in your pocket?
(SAWING)
-BIANCA: So you fucked him?
-KRISTIN: No, he died first.
You missed something.
When he came,
he screamed like a woman.
You... Right.
Um, well, I guess
that might have been fun?
-You took a shower?
-Yes.
I took a shower
because it usually
calms me down, but...
I've never seen
a dead body before.
And now I've seen three.
Three!
I mean,
I live a very boring life.
I am such a boring person.
I'm a boring woman.
Seriously, I don't do anything
with my life. I don't go out.
I just do everything
for everybody else.
Those monsters
will stop at nothing
until we're all dead
and they're the only family
in Lazio.
I have an idea.
I think I should go home.
I don't think I belong here.
-Did you not hear me?
-What?
If you leave now,
they will follow you
and they will not stop
until you're dead.
(GASPS)
This is good.
How? How is this good?
This will send a message
to the Romanos
that our family is strong.
You're the boss. And the boss
takes care of business.
You did good.
What? I murdered someone!
-Brava.
-Brava.
No, no, no, no.
Do not "brava" me. I am bad.
I did a bad thing.
Oh, my God, I just want
my Eat, Pray, Love.
What is he...
-(CRIES OUT IN DISGUST)
-(FABRIZIO GRUNTING)
(HEAVY OBJECT THUDS)
Ciao, Carletto.
-(FLESH SQUELCHING)
-(FABRIZIO GRUNTING)
-(ALL SPITTING)
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(IN ITALIAN)
(GULPS NERVOUSLY)
Bruno!
(LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY)
BRUNO: Mmm.
(BRUNO CHUCKLES MENACINGLY)
We have to kill those Romanos
before they kill us!
And I mean on purpose!
No more accidentally
saving the day!
You could be a little
nicer to me, you know.
I just killed someone.
I'm a very good person.
I'm a good mother.
I would do anything
for my son.
I do everything for everyone.
Even animals,
I can't even kill a bug.
I put it under a little cup,
and I take it outside,
and whisper, "Go. Be free.
Go live your life."
And I imagine them building
a new home and a new life.
How are we supposed to appear
strong when she is...
this?
These Romanos will never
negotiate peace on good terms.
Why are we negotiating at all?
Why don't we just give them
what they want?
(MIMICS KRISTIN)
They want control
over all of our territories.
So, why don't we just
give it to them?
How do you expect us
to make money?
I don't know!
(BOTH GRUNT IN FRUSTRATION)
What is it we do, anyway?
-FABRIZIO: Drugs.
-BIANCA: Counterfeit bags.
FABRIZIO: Guns. Gambling.
Uh, so far I have heard
nothing that is either legal
or moral.
Because... (SIGHS) you know,
we are the fucking Mafia!
You... (GROANS)
Let him go. He just needs
to blow off some steam.
Oh, yeah? So do I.
I am completely overwhelmed!
This is supposed to be
my vacation.
-What are you doing?
-I'm confirming my date
with Lorenzo
because that was the deal.
But we are
in the middle of a war.
No. You are
in the middle of a war.
I am sick of doing everything
for everybody else!
I'm gonna do something for me.
You cannot be
in public right now.
Oh, I'm not going to be
in public.
I'm going to have dinner
at his place.
He is simple and adorable.
And... I just wanna be
alone with him.
These are my cousins.
I come from
a very conservative family
and they wanna protect...
my virtue.
(IN ITALIAN)
be a family affair. Please.
Okay. Thank you.
-It's good to see you.
-It's so good to see you.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi. Thank you for having us
in your home
which is beautiful.
-Welcome to my aunt's place.
-(GASPS) Oh, my God,
it's totally magical.
Yeah.
Who is this? He looks like
such a naughty little hobbit.
-Yeah. It's my uncle, Ernesto.
-Oh.
-He recently died.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, we are.
That's why I moved in.
-Oh, I see.
-But I am
naming my own pasta line
this year.
-This is your pasta line?
-It is.
Oh, my God,
that is so exciting.
You guys, look at this.
This is his.
(SOFT ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Oh, Lord in Heaven,
I have never eaten
homemade pasta before.
Mmm, so good.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You know, it's... it's nice
to be with a woman
who appreciates my cooking.
Yeah. My ex never did.
Ah, she sounds like a monster.
Oh, no. I didn't mean to
bring her up again. Forget it.
No, it's okay. I get it.
I mean, my husband,
my ex-husband
was a total man-child.
I mean, he made everything
about himself.
And his band
and his cheesy lyrics.
That sounds horrible.
(ESMERALDA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I'd convinced myself that
his passion
was more important than mine.
Like an idiot. (CHUCKLES)
But even with our son,
divorcing Paul,
I swear to God,
it was the best decision
I ever made.
Oh, you have a child?
Yes! Yes, I'll show you.
Here he is.
There. That's Domenick.
He's my baby.
He's a really good kid.
(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Last bite.
For me?
The most precious. Yes.
Okay.
KRISTIN: Oh, your pasta.
(CHUCKLES)
It's the greatest thing
I've ever had in my mouth.
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.
(IN ITALIAN)
Are your cousins
okay with this?
Yeah, they're fine.
Just kiss me.
-(MOBILE PHONE BEEPING)
-Shit. No, no, no.
(GASPS) Oh, God, I forgot.
I've got this
work Zoom meeting.
Oh, my God. Cousins!
I have to go. Rain check?
I'm sorry. I just...
It's a really
important meeting that I...
I totally forgot about it. Um...
Thank you for having us.
I will call you.
(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
KRISTIN: I can't believe this.
Stupid work.
I'm enjoying myself
for the first time in years,
and I have to do this
dumb work Zoom.
Come on. Quit your job.
You are a boss now.
Oh. I can't just quit my job.
People are counting on me.
-DANTE: Hmm.
-ALDO: Ma.
-(IN ITALIAN)
-(WOMAN SHOUTING OVER PHONE)
Ma.
-(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
My mother had
another dizzy spell
and she has no more medication
now. Okay. Okay?
She can't afford it.
The SSN doesn't cover these
new American drugs.
(IN ITALIAN)
I know a pharmacist.
We go tomorrow, okay?
No, no, you should go tonight.
Go take care of it tonight.
Yeah, but we must protect you.
-He is right.
-No, family first.
I'm okay. I'll be fine.
Oh, Kristin.
Would you mind to put this
-into the fridge, please?
-Yes, sure.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on. So late.
(GROANS) Okay.
(SIGHS) Here we go.
(EXHALES)
Oh.
I can't wear this.
Oh, what am I... Oh, God.
(KRISTIN STRUGGLING
WITH CLOTHES)
Ugh, right. Uh...
Come on, hurry, quick, quick!
(KRISTIN SIGHS WITH FRUSTRATION)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, nice of you
to finally join us.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, the...
the time difference
is a little crazy, so...
HANK: So, where are we
with Restylane?
Right, yes, okay.
Um, so first:
Restylane makes women feel
great about themselves, right?
So, I was thinking
we open on a woman
alone, drinking some
fine wine,
longingly perusing
a travel brochure.
Mmm. I'm not really hearing
anything that pops.
I mean, you know,
you gotta grab them
in the first few seconds.
(LAUGHS) But I just started.
Hey, you know who's
really great at this?
Just riff, give us some of
that Randy magic.
Go ahead and mute her.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
All right.
Help me!
And I'm just spitballing,
all right.
But I'm thinking,
woman on a jet-ski?
Aw, that's fresh.
Yeah, but how do we get there?
(SCREAMING) No! S.O.S.!
We open up on this attractive
but, you know, older woman.
Not too old, right?
Help me!
(CRYING) Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no, no, please.
I'm thinking tight, hot,
early forties type role,
you know what I'm saying?
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-Oh, my God.
You are much more attractive
than your grandfather.
Oh, my God.
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-(GROANING WITH DISGUST)
No! (MOANS) No, no!
So, you know,
she minding her business,
walking through the desert
like people do.
WAYNE: That's a great
metaphor for a tired woman
with a face
that's so marked by time.
-Mmm.
-(DOWNWARD WHISTLE)
-Sit down!
-(GUN COCKS)
(BREATHING IRREGULARLY)
No, no, no. Please don't.
Please don't hurt me.
Please. No, no.
Oh, God, no. No entrata.
Absolutely no entrata. No.
You like
salsiccia e friarelli?
No. No sausages.
I'm strictly vegetariano.
No, thank you.
Very spicy.
Spicy? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. No!
-Please, no. Please don't. No.
-(BRUNO EXHALES PASSIONATELY)
(SOBBING) No, no, no.
Please don't.
No, no, no.
Fucking belt.
She looks lonely. She looks...
-She looks her age, bro.
-She does.
No woman should look her age.
(EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
Crotch! Eye!
-Crotch! Eye!
-(BRUNO GROANING)
And like a blessing
from the heavens,
the sky opens up
and it starts to rain.
Then she looks down
and she realizes,
"Oh, my God,
I'm on a jet-ski."
Restylane Lyft
gives her a second youth.
-WAYNE: Yeah.
-A return to life.
I love that pose.
Crotch! Crotch!
-Eye! Crotch!
-(BRUNO SCREAMING)
Restylane Kysse
plumps her lips.
Crotch! Eye!
-(GROANS)
-(WHIMPERING)
(KRISTIN GROANING)
WAYNE: Makes them kissable.
Rejuvenated.
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(BRUNO GROANS)
WAYNE: You got water,
you got wetness.
Whole lot of wetness.
(BOTH GROANING)
Fuck you!
When was the last time
you saw a thigh gap like that?
Fuck you, Randy!
-Now she's kissable.
-Oh, fuck you, Wayne!
-Wow.
-Oh, fuck you, Hank!
(GROWLING)
And you,
you fucking creepy pervert!
Fuck you!
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
(SCREAMS, SHUDDERS)
RANDY: And then she just
rides off into the distance.
-Soft, youthful...
-(LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF)
...and wet.
(RANDY SIGHS)
(WHIMPERS)
-HANK: Randy, that was superb.
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Okay.
See that, Kristin?
That's how it's done.
Unmute.
Kristin.
Hey, tell me
you heard Randy's pitch.
Oh, Kristin?
Are you drunk?
(STUTTERS)
Oh, man. I really hoped
this day would never come
but I'm gonna have to
let you go.
By the way, you have some
pasta sauce on your face.
You know what?
Fuck you!
Whoa!
That's gratitude for you.
-Highly unnecessary.
-Toxic.
Oh, God.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
(ROMANTIC ITALIAN
MUSIC PLAYING)
(TAPPING ON DOOR)
-(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
KRISTIN: Hmm?
BIANCA: You left quite a mess
at the villa.
You need to tell us
when things like this happen,
so we don't have to worry
whether or not
you are currently alive.
Oh, fine. So, next time
someone tries to murder me,
I'll be sure to let you know.
Grazie.
want to meet today.
Oh, so they can
try to kill me again? Huh!
I thought once you'd had sex,
you would calm down a bit.
Hey, I've been here two days
and I've been almost
murdered twice.
That's one per day.
I'm gonna need a lot more sex
to calm me down!
I know a man.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Stop with your cousin, please.
They're prepared
to make some concessions.
We have the upper hand.
They've agreed
to a public meeting.
Fabrizio will be there
with you.
I can't be there
because it's only family.
Fine. But I wanna meet
at La Bottega del Gelato
because it has
a five-star rating.
And I never have gelato.
And I have been dying to go!
-But we have...
-That's an order!
KRISTIN: Mmm. Mmm!
Look, I am tired of this war.
Oh, my gosh,
Tripadvisor does not lie.
My family
is tired of this war.
It's got to stop.
MAMMONE: We couldn't
agree more.
You killed our boss,
and our best killer.
All by yourself.
Does your offer
for Formia stand?
Yes. Absoluto.
So, we are at peace
then, Mammone?
(IN ITALIAN)
Donna Balbano.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(CARLO'S SONS
SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh.
(ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Well, there you go.
(LOUDLY) Can I get
another scoop?
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
(KISSES)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(KRISTIN CHUCKLES)
You really impressed me.
Oh, yeah, the meeting
went better
than I thought it would.
Because you terrified them.
Last night
was a true work of art.
You have rage, Kristin.
Wild,
passionate, deep rage.
I like it.
(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY) Okay.
You know,
it wasn't just blood on Bruno.
It was mushy, thick.
Bits of his scrotum
were stuffed in his eye socket.
Mmm.
And that's why
they listened to you.
Because he had
bits of his scrotum
stuffed in his eye socket?
Maybe.
And that's how
you earned rispetto.
You'll fit
right into this family!
Give me your hand.
What, uh...
Oh, no. Oh, no,
you don't have to.
-Yeah.
-You should... No, no.
Oh, it's too big. I don't...
KRISTIN: Mmm.
Yeah, it fits pretty well.
And now...
give me some "grrrr."
Be the leopard!
-What, uh...
(GROWLING)
-(PURRS)
-No, no. (GROWLS)
-(HACKING GROWL)
-No, no, no.
No fur ball.
No espresso machine.
Just... (GROWLS)
(GROWLING)
(BOTH GROWLING)
This one. This one. This one.
Bye.
Okay. Thank you.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Are you kidding me?
(EXHALES)
(BURPS)
(GROANS) Oh, God.
Oh, Bianca.
You know, a month ago,
I was feeding the homeless
in Long Beach.
I mean, I help old people
cross the road all the time.
I am a good person.
Of course you are.
You made peace.
Yeah, but at what cost?
I feel like Michael Corleone.
You saw the movie?
No. I read
the Wikipedia summary.
Kristin, the world isn't
black and white.
Your grandfather
took care of my family.
He put my mother
through school
-and gave us shelter and food.
-Huh.
And bought me this leg.
I owe him everything.
My point is, just because
you're a Mafia boss,
doesn't mean you have to be
a bad person.
Right. Right.
Wait, what did you say
about your leg?
When I was 13,
a truck hit my Vespa.
Oh, my God!
All the kids made fun of me.
Oh.
But Don Balbano came
to our house with a big box.
And he brought me
a prosthetic leg.
It changed my life.
Wow. I mean, jeez, I...
-I didn't even...
-(HOLLOW CLANG)
Couldn't tell. Looks so real.
Precision Swiss technology.
-Upgraded every five years.
-Huh.
So, Kristin, I'm living proof
that you can do a lot of good
with the power you have.
It's not about
losing yourself.
It's about becoming yourself.
But if this isn't
what you want, you can leave.
I can?
You made peace.
You can go home
to your old life.
To the old you.
Oh, no, I don't wanna go back
to that me.
I don't like that one.
No, I don't think so.
Then what do you wanna do?
Well,
we're involved in an
import/export business, right?
Mmm-hmm.
KRISTIN: Hmm.
I think I have an idea.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KRISTIN: It's a win-win,
right?
Because we keep prices low
and we sell medications
to people in Italy
that they can't usually find
at a reasonable rate.
Because it's not just
about profit.
It's about
helping people, right?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
I was just thinking.
We've been together
a few months now
and I have never
been to your place. (CHUCKLES)
You're still quite secretive.
I am not secretive.
I'm not. Come here,
I'm gonna take a photo
of us and the Vaticano.
-(CLEARS THROAT) Right. Ready?
-Okay.
-Yay.
-Yay.
There. Okay.
And now I am posting it.
Immediately. There.
There we are. Done.
-Okay.
-Mmm-hmm.
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
Nicky. Oh, my God,
I miss you so much.
(WHISPERS) It's my son.
Who's the dude?
Uh, he is my pasta teacher.
We're just out
buying double zero flour.
Okay. I gotta go to class.
Um, I love you.
I love you.
Pasta teacher?
Honestly, I just feel like
you're not
telling me something.
-Oh, really?
-Don't you trust me?
-Stop it.
-Don't you trust me?
Don't even joke.
-You can tell me anything.
-(SIGHS)
I love you.
(SEAGULLS CALLING)
Oh, my God. Paul?
-Your Paul?
-That Paul?
Get off me! Who the hell
are these guys?
What the hell
are you doing here?
I flew here to find you.
I saw your Insta.
Dammit. I post
one stupid photo.
(PAUL WHIMPERING)
(CHUCKLES) He's much weaker
than I imagined.
And I imagined
someone very weak.
-Who's Paul?
-I'm her husband!
No... (SIGHS)
-You are married?
-No, we are separated.
Look, I can see you're
a pretty handsome guy
and you've been having
some great sex...
Dante, please take him
back to the villa.
-Come on, Paul. Let's go.
-What, what? Let me go.
So he gets to go
to your place, but I can't?
No, it's not like that. No.
You told me you were divorced.
Well, we may as well be.
He's a horrible husband
who cheated on me.
-No. No.
-No, I mean...
It's taken me
so long to trust again.
-And I really care about you.
-No, no.
I... I care about you.
I care about you so much.
Then let's be honest
with each other.
Is there anything else
you are keeping from me?
(ALDO CLEARS HIS THROAT)
-Hmm?
-Um...
Oh, my God. Um...
I'm so sorry, I really do
have to go deal with this.
-Okay? I'm sorry.
-Sure, go.
-It's okay.
-I'll see you.
-KRISTIN: God dammit, Paul.
-DANTE: Just stay back!
PAUL: (MUFFLED)
I need to pee, please.
-What did you guys do?
-I shut his mouth.
He's very annoying.
PAUL: I need to pee.
I can't hold it.
Okay. Okay.
Nice and easy.
Actually, Dante, can you grab
some baby oil and Q-tips?
-I think it'll be...
-Ow!
Dammit! I was just
getting over a cold sore.
The cheater does not
deserve your care.
You told these people
about Tracy?
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Hey. Hey.
(GROANS) Dammit!
No one talks to her that way.
Show some respect. Huh?
-To Kristin?
-(SPITS)
Ew. Kristin, do something.
Why are you so nice
-to this stronzo?
-(GRUNTS)
How dare you call me something
I don't even know
what it means?
Who the hell are these people?
They are her best
grape squashers.
And I'm the label maker.
Yes. I am a vintner now.
-You make swords?
-Wine, stronzo.
I'm gonna look that word up
as soon as I get outta here.
Why are you even here?
I hadn't heard from you.
I was worried about you.
I miss you.
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
Okay.
Okay, fine.
After you lost your job,
our joint bank account
is empty.
-(SCOFFS)
-So, I figured, you know,
since I'm your husband,
I should probably come
live with you in the villa.
Oh, my God. It all makes
perfect sense now.
You only came here
to get something else from me!
Go home, Paul.
Actually, you only had enough
points for a one-way ticket.
-(SCOFFS) Pathetic.
-He's not worth it.
What did you see in him?
-Just take my card and...
-Kristin, no.
Don't!
-No, you're better than this.
-You're right.
-I should just book it myself.
-No, Kristin.
-That's not what we meant!
-That's worse.
Fine. Fine.
-Paul, you're a grown-ass man!
-(DANTE LAUGHS)
-Figure it out yourself!
-There you go.
Own your power. Brava.
-(ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-So, take him to the airport!
(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)
You've been stress
-grape gathering all night.
-(SIGHS)
Stop worrying
about your imbecile husband.
He'll find his way home.
Or he won't.
No, it's just that, you know,
Paul hurt me so much
over the years
with all the lying.
And I don't wanna do that
to Lorenzo.
But you can't tell Lorenzo
about this part of your life.
I know. I know.
But what if it wasn't
part of my life?
What are you saying?
I'm saying...
I want out.
But the family heads
are meeting today.
I'm not allowed at the table,
but you and Fabrizio
have to be there.
Okay, perfect.
Well, that's where
I'll announce my resignation.
But you can't just leave.
Actually, yes, I can.
You said,
once I made peace, remember?
(LAUGHS)
-You believed me.
-(SCOFFS)
I knew you wouldn't go back
to your old sad life.
Besides, that was before
you created all this beauty.
The pharmacy business.
Helping people.
I know. I just wanna
give Lorenzo a chance.
So, you're willing
to give up all of this
for a man you barely know?
What? We've been
dating for months!
Have you farted
in front of him?
Well, like a tiny little...
(IMITATES FART)
(LAUGHS)
He didn't hear it.
But, you know,
he did fart
in front of me once.
But, really,
I've made up my mind.
Fine.
I just hope
this is what you want.
Never let a man dictate
who you are or what you can do.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Thank you all
for joining us today.
We called this meeting
to discuss
your pharmaceutical business.
Yes.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Donna Balbano.
And I brought
a little something special
-for everybody today.
-(SNAPS FINGERS)
(CASE UNLOCKING)
Ta-da! I made muffins.
(LAUGHS)
I know you may not
wanna eat them
because of the whole
poison thing,
but please remember,
we are at peace.
See? Mmm.
Poison-free muffins. (GIGGLES)
I just thought
it would be really nice
-to break bread together.
-Kristin!
-My bananas were going bad...
-Enough!
And I needed to use them.
Your business is causing
quite the problem for us.
I deal with
pharmaceuticals, Mammone.
I'm not touching electronics,
or your cars.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
But all of our business
has to pass by the inspectors.
And the inspectors
are on your payroll.
(YELLING IN ITALIAN)
Hey, listen, listen. I could
talk to the inspectors.
I have a great rapport
with them.
The damage is done.
We are losing a lot of money.
You must pay
a percentage of your business.
Actually, now is really
not the best time.
I was hoping we can keep
all this beautiful peace
that we've been enjoying.
You know, I'm alive.
You guys are all alive.
In fact, these muffins
are kind of a parting gift.
I'm planning on
stepping down shortly.
(MEN MURMURING IN ITALIAN)
Oh, I'll be leaving you
in very good hands.
Bianca will be taking over
as the new boss
of the Balbano family.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Your secretary?
She is so much more than
a secretary.
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-You have no idea.
Nice joke.
You think you can
fuck us all over
and leave?
No.
It doesn't work like that.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Let's all calm down.
I'm not fucking anybody over.
(IN ITALIAN)
Oh, my God, you're a cop?
Not fucking us over, eh?
(IN ITALIAN)
(FEMALE OFFICER
SPEAKING ITALIAN)
motherfuckers!
Aunt Esmeralda?
(LORENZO SPEAKING ITALIAN)
-(GROANS)
-Oh, my...
(SCREAMING)
(SCATTERED GUNSHOTS)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING)
-DANTE: Kristin! Kristin!
(KRISTIN SCREAMING)
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Kristin. Kristin!
-Let's go!
-Okay.
Stay low.
(SCREAMS)
(GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING)
(GUNSHOTS)
So, you were just using me
this whole entire time?
My parents were gunned down
by the Mafia
right in front of me!
At my soccer game.
After I missed a goal.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(ALDO AND DANTE YELLING)
Uzi.
(ALDO AND DANTE REPEATING)
(GASPS)
I was assigned to this case...
So I'm just a case?
What about your marriage,
and your ex, that's lies?
Mostly.
And who the fuck is Esmeralda?
You mean Maria? She's my boss.
(GASPS) And who are you?
-I am Rodolfo.
-Rodolfo?
Yes, but you can call me Rudy.
Rudy? I'm not
calling you anything.
(ESMERALDA YELLING IN ITALIAN)
(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)
Mama!
(CRYING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, my God.
Are you even a pasta maker?
We were gonna
run away together.
We were gonna
open a restaurant.
I was gonna make the wine,
you were gonna make the food.
I was gonna get fat
and you weren't gonna care.
It was gonna be heaven!
How fat?
(GASPS)
Get away from me.
Please. No, no, Kristin,
please. (GROANS) Kristin.
No, I am not talking to you.
We are done.
Uh, no, Kristin.
I'm arresting you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for this.
(GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING)
Come on.
(DANTE AND ALDO SPITTING)
I...
(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-You...
have a finger in your hair.
(GASPS)
Stick it up your ass!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
WAITER: Ciao.
KRISTIN: So...
This is
your first trial, right?
-Mmm-hmm.
-Oh, good for you.
(LAUGHS ANXIOUSLY)
JENNY: Wait. Wait.
-Excuse me.
-KRISTIN: Oh, my God, Jenny!
-Kristin.
-(EXCLAIMS)
-Don't say anything.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my goodness. Hey!
Take your hands
off of my client!
-Give me that. Give...
-(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
What are you,
still in diapers?
Bianca called me.
You didn't think I was gonna
let my best friend
rot in an Italian jail,
did you?
I saw the Amanda Knox doc. No.
Oh, my God.
How did they get out of jail?
Not enough evidence
to charge them.
Right. And what about Bianca?
Where is she?
It's better for you
if she's not here.
Okay, got it.
(GASPS)
-That Lorenzo?
-Yeah.
(MOUTHING) Hi.
(ECHOES) Dick!
(SIGHS) Such a good echo.
-(SINGING) What a dick!
-(KRISTIN GIGGLES)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
(JUDGE SPEAKING ITALIAN)
PROSECUTOR: Signora Giudice,
today I will show that
Ms. Balbano has taken over
the criminal enterprise
of her grandfather,
Giuseppe Balbano.
Madame Judge,
Signora Giudice,
I will show you that my client
simply came to Italy
to pay her respects and found
that she had
inherited a vineyard.
Now, was my client
seen in a room
filled with
questionable people?
Sure. But only to tell them
that she wanted no part of it.
(SCOFFS)
Giannina,
could you tell us
your dealings
with the Indagato.
Well, everyone else
calls me "waitress,"
cameriera,
but she calls me by my name.
She likes my bonsai tree.
She tells us
we are her best vintners.
She makes us feel appreciated.
So, we repay our gratitude
by being her bodyguards.
DANTE: We go with her
at the meeting
because they want to hurt
-sweet woman.
-(SIGHS)
They are very, very,
very bad guys.
Look what they did
to the poor Dante.
How long was this
undercover operation of yours?
Well, I've been investigating
Giuseppe Balbano for years.
When I met the Indagato,
she'd just landed in Italy
for the funeral...
And when did you start having
sexual relations
with my client?
I ask the questions here!
And when did you start
having sexual relations
with the Indagato?
About...
one day after.
-But she was asking for it.
-(JENNY GASPS)
Okay. I mean, not...
I mean, not asking.
But she said this trip
was her "Eat, Pray, Fuck."
The book is Eat, Pray, Love.
You took advantage of
an innocent winemaker
and sullied
a literary masterpiece.
You gross.
I came to this country
at a time in my life
where I
completely doubted myself.
Then when I arrived here,
I discovered that
I had inherited a vineyard.
It was shriveling
and dying...
much like me.
So, I nurtured it.
And I came to realize
that I inherited so much more
than a vineyard.
I inherited an opportunity
to fulfil my purpose.
So...
I inherited me.
Thank you.
I don't need to hear
anything anymore.
I've made my decision.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
No grounds to proceed.
(CHEERING)
He's gonna give me
a ride home.
Bravo! (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Kristin?
Kristin, wait, wait,
wait, wait...
Congratulations.
Well, I just wanted you
to know that it wasn't all lies.
I really did
fall in love with you.
And I still love you.
(SIGHS)
I thought I was listening
to my heart.
But it turns out
I was just using another man
to validate me.
And for the first time
in my life...
(SIGHS) I honestly
don't give a shit.
Oh, my God. Dante. Dante.
Oh, my God,
those goddamn Romanos.
(ALDO EXCLAIMING)
Oh, he's losing
a lot of blood.
(WHISPERING)
Here, I've got this thing.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We need to get him some help.
(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)
-Oh, God, who is this?
-(ALDO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
It's Bianca.
She's in the winery.
Oh, my God,
she's been shot, too.
Uh, uh, okay, you stay with
Dante and I'll go to Bianca.
Wait, wait, wait.
-(COCKS GUN)
-Just in case.
Bianca?
What? Nicky.
-Bianca is dead.
-(KRISTIN GASPS)
DOMENICK: Mom.
FABRIZIO: I knew
you'd come back
if your precious
Bianca texted you.
Drop the gun.
And kick it to me.
Good girl.
KRISTIN: What are you guys
doing here?
FABRIZIO: You can
thank your husband for this.
He lured your son here to...
something about
guilting you
into taking him back.
Look, I was worried
about you, Mom.
-Oh, honey.
-(MOCKINGLY) Honey.
What do you want?
Are you serious?
I want to be the head
of the Balbano family!
-(FIRES GUN)
-I told everyone I'm leaving.
And leaving it all
to fucking Bianca!
Hey!
Really, Paul? You're just
gonna waddle out of here
and leave our son
sitting there?
-(STRAINING)
-Whoa, whoa!
No!
Don't you dare touch my kid!
(BOTH GROWLING)
(GROANING)
Mom, look out.
-(GUNSHOT)
-(BULLET WHIZZES)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
(GUNSHOT)
I've been shot. It burns.
You have
terrible taste in men.
No shit.
Paul, untie our son
-and get the hell outta here!
-Untie me.
Babe, this knot is impossible.
(GROANS) Hold on.
-(BITES)
-(SCREAMS)
-Paul. Here, take this.
-Yeah? Okay.
Keep it pointed at him, okay?
Yeah, it's heavy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GRUNTS) There. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Are you?
Oh, God, I'm so happy
to see you.
-I've missed you so much.
-How are you?
Hey, hey,
I loosened the knot, right?
You're a baby.
I'm not a baby, you're a baby.
You're a big, fat, podgy baby.
You're a big, stupid,
blonde baby.
You're a baby with big poop
in your diaper.
-Mom!
-Don't move!
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
Bianca, you're alive!
Of course I am.
No, no, no...
Fabrizio is a terrible shot.
FABRIZIO: Wait, wait, wait.
I saw you die.
You saw me take a bullet
like a woman.
But there is a fucking
major artery right there.
Wrong leg, idiot.
-(YELLS IN ITALIAN)
-(HOLLOW CLANGING)
-BIANCA: High tension steel.
-It's fucking cool, man.
(LAUGHS)
I did have to re-adjust it.
That's why it took me
so long. Sorry.
Oh, honey,
I'm just glad you're okay.
Grazie, amore.
(CRIES OUT) I'm hit again.
Dad, come on.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(BULLETS WHIZZING)
(BIANCA CHUCKLES)
KRISTIN: Bianca,
take care of my kid, okay?
Make a break for the door.
I'll cover. Now!
PAUL: Come on, Nicky.
-Come on. Come on.
-(GUNSHOTS)
Go, go.
-Help me, Nicky.
-Come on.
(LOUD METALLIC CLATTER)
FABRIZIO: Drop it.
(GUN CLATTERS)
You think you can just
come here and take over?
This is mine! All of it!
I earned it!
Uh, you didn't earn anything.
I'm the one
who had to come over here
and clean your mess up.
Oh, please.
Oh, yeah.
I am the one who made this
awful wine
fucking delicious.
Yeah, me. This.
I have done more
for this family
in the last three months
than you have
your entire life.
And yet you feel entitled
to be the boss?
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH CURSING IN ITALIAN)
(GROWLS ANGRILY)
(FABRIZIO SCREAMS)
Oh, my God. Uh...
Oops. Are you, uh...
I guess
it's a little rusty, huh?
I should get this fixed.
Help me!
Please. Please, cousin.
(CREAKING)
(BOTH STRAINING)
Say it.
What?
Say I'm the boss.
Never!
Then, as the boss,
I'm gonna have to let you go.
(LAUGHS)
I've always
wanted to say that.
You can't do it, can you?
Hey. Hey, stop! No!
No!
-(FABRIZIO SCREAMING)
-(BONES CRUNCHING)
-(MACHINE GROANING)
-(ALARM BLARING)
(SHUDDERS, GAGS)
(GASPS)
(BREATHING STEADILY)
(MACHINE STOPS)
(SOBS AND SIGHS)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
KRISTIN: Okay. Introducing
the newest Balbano rose.
It's called Little Pinky.
-KRISTIN: Salute.
-GROUP: Salute.
KRISTIN: Whoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES)
(ALL MOANING IN DELIGHT)
That is crisp.
You know, this Balbano wine's
gonna get me
into some serious trouble.
Blackout Jenny is coming.
All right, all right, sweetie,
you should get going.
Heard you got shot.
Yeah, I got shot, too.
-I got, like, five stitches.
-Oh.
How about you?
Twenty-seven stitches.
And they left the bullet
in my spleen.
-You wanna touch it?
-No. Put it away.
Oh.
-I wanna touch it.
-Mmm.
Now, come. Show me around.
You know, I never realized
what a badass you are.
-You know, neither did I.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Domenick, there's something
I need to tell you.
Your father and I
are getting a divorce.
Are you okay?
I know it's a lot to take in.
I was just held hostage...
-at gunpoint.
-(SIGHS)
Divorce is fine. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Come here.
I hate saying goodbye to you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, but I'll see you
next week, Mom.
Uh, yeah.
-Love you.
-Actually, um...
I've been
thinking about it, and...
-I'm gonna stay here.
-Seriously?
Yeah. Balbano Wine's
really taking off.
And for the first time
in my life,
I'm doing exactly
what I wanna do.
Yeah, but are you sure
it's safe here?
Aren't there a lot of people
who, like, wanna hurt you?
No, that's not a problem
any more.
(MEN CHATTERING)
PRISON GUARD: Hey, Mammone.
(LAUGHS)
MAMMONE: "Don't fuck with me
or you're next."
(GASPS)
MAMMONE: (SOFTLY) Fabrizio.
(IN ITALIAN)
But you're not like,
you know...
in the Mafia, right?
I make wine. That's all.
-A vintner?
-Yeah.
I wanna stay here
-and be a vintner with you.
-No.
-Call me.
-(SIGHS)
(DANTE SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Mr. and Mrs. Martelli for you.
Grazie, Donna Balbano.
(KRISTIN IN ITALIAN)
Uh, Nicky. Wait, wait, wait.
I made you some trail mix
for the flight.
And don't forget
to put on your sweater, okay.
It gets chilly
on the plane.
-I love you.
-You, too.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC
PLAYING)