Magic Christian, The (1969) Movie Script

[choir singing]
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
what is commonly known as "money."
It comes in all sizes, colors
and denominations, like people.
We'll be using quite a bit
of it in the next two hours.
Luckily, I have enough
for all of us.
[man singing]
- [yelps]
- [fades]
[bell tolling]
[big ben chiming ten times]
Here, here. Here, here.
No sleepin' on the grass.
No sleepin' on the grass is
allowed in the park. All right.
Get out of here. Get out of here.
Get off!
in younger days
I told myself
my life would be my own
and I'd leave the place
where sunshine never shone
for my life's too short
for waiting
when I see the rising sun
[indistinct chatter]
then I know again
that I must carry on
carry on till tomorrow
What you wearin' them
glasses for?
Oh, the light.
It hurts my eyes.
You a bloody celebrity?
carry on
carry on
[shouting indistinctly]
beyond the shadows
of the clouds
and onward to the sky
carry on
till I find
the rainbow's end
for my life's
too short for waiting
when I see the rising sun
then I know again
that I must carry on
carry on
till tomorrow
there's no reason
to look back
carry on
carry on
carry on
drifting on the wings
of freedom
leave this stormy day
and we'll ride
to tomorrow's
golden fields
for my life's
too short for waiting
when I see the rising sun
then I know again
that I must carry on
carry on
carry on
carry on
Good morning.
You feeding the ducks?
Yes, I feed them every morning.
You mind if I join you?
No, no.
I come here every morning.
and when the heavy
journey's done
[indistinct chatter]
I'll rest my weary head
for the world
and its colors
will be mine
for my life's too short
for waiting
when I see the setting sun
then I know again
that I must carry on
carry on till tomorrow
there's no reason
to look back
carry on
carry on
carry on
Look, please.
Don't go.
Listen, please.
I say, don't go.
[chatter continues
carry on
carry on
carry on
carry on
carry on
Well, then, Youngman Grand.
[church bells tolling]
Thank you, Pontius.
Thanks for the new suit.
It's very nice.
My pleasure, Youngman.
My pleasure.
One has to be smart when observing
the effects of money on the arts...
And mr. And mrs. First-Nighter.
Good gentlemen, give
him a further edge.
And drive his purpose
on to these delights.
We shall, my lord.
Sweet gertrude,
leave us too.
For we have closely sent
for hamlet hither,
That he, as t'were
by accident,
May here affront ophelia.
Her father and myself,
lawful espials,
Will so bestow ourselves,
that, seeing, unseen--
[whispers] Hello. Hello, sir.
The third act's
just started.
Rosencrantz and guildenstern
just went off somewhere.
Guy, you are rather late.
The third act's begun. You barely
nearly missed the nicest part.
The chopper was delayed. Anyway,
this is the bit I'm really keen on.
And as you say,
it is the nicest part.
to be...
I've seen it.
Or not to be?
Shakespeare, right?
Right and double right.
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind...
To suffer the slings
and arrows of...
Outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms...
Against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing...
[rim shot]
End them?
[cowbell clunks]
- [burlesque]
- to die,
To sleep.
-No more. -Agnes, Esther, I would
like you to meet my newly-adopted son,
Youngman, these are my old dear sis-
ters, Agnes and Esther-- your aunts.
How do you do?
Hello, auntie. Hello.
to die,
To sleep.
To sleep.
Perchance to dream.
Ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death...
What dreams may come.
When we have shuffled off...
This mortal coil--
Must give us pause--
I'm making too much noise.
On with the show.
For who could bear
the whips...
Tsk, tsk.
And scorns of time?
The oppressor's wrong,
The proud man's contumely--
That fellow is taking license
in my view.
...Of the unworthy takes...
When he himself might
his quietus make...
With his fair,
- [ends]
- [gasps]
[women singing
You've gotta hand it to that Laurence
Harvey. He really knows his job.
The most essential and
fundamental principle of our work...
Is the absolute authenticity...
Of any of its employees'
qualifications and credentials.
Each must be tops in
his field. Otherwise--
- Well, otherwise it's mere quackery.
- Just what is our work, dad?
It's not so easy to define
as one might think, lad.
Not so easy.
Regard the city.
[Youngman] It's just
like where I was born.
Exactly and 9/10ths of the
people on this planet.
And you know, Youngman, some of
those people will tell you...
That in these cities are shops--
Curious sort of food shops that
spring up from time to time...
With signs reading,
"new owner, new policy,
Big get acquainted sale."
And offering goods at ridiculously
low giveaway prices.
- What about ciggies?
- Cigarettes were not sold,
As they've been linked rather
closely with cancer of the lung.
The word quickly gets around...
And the lucky few
manage to load up,
and take away as much as
they can humanly carry.
Usually much more than they can
ever use or keep, you understand.
The shop is quickly gutted--
Clean as your proverbial bone.
And latecomers are met by
closed doors, shuttered windows...
And a different sign,
"moved to new location."
But no clue as to where
that new location is.
if you want it
anytime I can give it
but you better hurry
'cause it's going
Well then, Pontius, if
that really is your name,
Take us to your leader.
We've just taken over
some new companies, son,
And the boardroom tycoons are waiting
for us to get to work... On them.
[Grand] Winthrop.
Sir Guy?
When I bought this paper,
It had one of the highest circulations
of any Sunday newspaper in this country.
It was a paper...
With a heart, Winthrop,
[men murmuring] Hear! Hear!
And a circulation.
Now just look at this.
Read it out, Winthrop.
But, sir guy, you said, uh--
Yes, I know what I
said, but read it.
"Detectives made inquiries from holi-
day makers of Brighton aujourd'hui."
What is aujourd'hui, Winthrop?
It's French for "today," sir Guy.
We are running an English
newspaper, Winthrop.
[men murmuring agreement]
"In connection with the
murder last mercredi...
"of the-- [speaking German]
girl, Lynn McNab,
"whose mutilated body was
found washed up on the beach.
"open brackets.
Close brackets."
read on, Winthrop.
We printed an apology, sir Guy.
And in what language
was the apology written?
[men gasping] Polish?
It's gotta stop, Winthrop.
It will, sir Guy.
It will.
It will, it will, it will.
We are a nation on the move.
[men murmuring agreement]
Any man jack who fails
to realize that...
Had better don his think cap.
Common zen savvy tells us...
That the prestige of the
British automobile...
Is being severely threatened...
By the encroachment
of the small...
Or mini-car image.
We are rapidly becoming
a tiny-car nation.
- [men murmuring agreement]
- so does it not follow then...
That a nation of tiny cars...
Could very soon become
a nation of tiny persons?
So, patently then,
It is in the highest
national interest...
That we... Counter...
This tiny car image...
By introducing an automobile...
That will hold its
own size-wise...
Against the American big boys,
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Yet with no sacrifice...
To traditional standards
of taste and function.
And so, gentlemen,
may I submit to you...
With much pleasure and pride...
The new great British Zeus.
It's still pretty much on the dra-
wing board, as we say, gentlemen.
But let's run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes it.
[narrator] The British Zeus!
[tires screeching]
Designed for the man in the
know, the man on the go.
And wherever he goes,
He can accommodate a bevy of per-
sonal friends and acquaintances.
Let's think salesmanship
and slogan.
Winthrop? - Yes. Um, what about,
"There's power to spare...
Under this big baby's
40-foot hood"?
What about it?
Me, sir.
Um, "You're sure
to enjoy the big...
Gang's-all-here backseat."
Hampton, try that again
with an American accent.
That was an American accent, sir.
Good lord.
What's going on over there?
[horn honks]
Uh, getting the feel
of this big baby,
- Mm.
- Has been one...
Grand thrill,
believe you me.
[film stops]
Best sleep on it, eh?
Never one to overextend.
Gentlemen, as you know,
The family tree over a certain...
Grand guy--
Guy Grand--
Has borne no fruit.
[men murmuring agreement]
The stoutiest efforts
by my sisters and I,
Quite independently, of course,
Has not yielded grand progeny.
By good luck however,
One, perhaps two soiree ago,
I chanced upon a likely lad.
[men murmuring]
And, gentlemen,
May I tell you it was your
proverbial love at first sight.
Paternal, of course.
So, gentlemen,
It is with great pride
and pleasure...
That I introduce you now...
To my only son and "proge,"
Master Youngman Grand, esq.
for he's a jolly
grand fellow
for he's a jolly
grand fellow
for he's a jolly
grand fellow
and so say all of us
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're damned good lads, the lot of you.
- You too, Guy.
- Yes, thank you.
And you're thinking men as well,
If memory serves.
Unfortunately, that fact
is not always reflected...
In our, uh, quarterly reports.
Anyway, gentlemen,
may I take a page...
From our own late, great
Rudy the Kip Kipling?
Let our Kipling speak.
"There was a young lady
from Exeter...
"and all the young men...
"threw their sex at her.
"Just to be rude,
she lay in the nude...
"while her parrot, the pervert,
Took pecks at her."
[brakes screeching]
Gentlemen, my man Jeff
has your envelopes.
Please do not open them
until you are outside.
Inside you will find a month's
generous remuneration,
A map containing a clue as
to your present whereabouts,
And a set of day-glo references...
To present to your
next lucky employer.
Leave your flowers and your pencils
on the table as you go, would you?
Lord Hampton?
Lord Hampton?
[men chattering indistinctly]
Lord Hampton?
Milk or lemon, Esther?
Both, please.
Hello, dears.
Ah, there you are, Guy.
Oh, angel's passing.
Guy, Guy, always on the go.
We're just having tea, darling.
You will join us?
Now you will take tea, Youngman?
This is bloody North America.
What's yours? I don't know.
I've been fired before,
but never in Afghanistan.
Scone, Guy?
I-I-I think not, darling.
Hello, family Grand!
[Agnes] Just in time for tea.
I say, my good man.
All right, mate.
One at a time. One at a time.
Ginger, how are you?
I think I rather fancy a hot dog.
Bitsy, say hello to Guy.
Say hello to everyone.
Hello, Agnes. Hello, Esther.
Say hello.
Ginger, this is Guy's new son,
Youngman Grand. - Oh.
- Pleased to meet you.
- This is my little Bitsy.
- Hello, Bitsy.
- What do you want, Guy?
Hot frankfurter, dear.
Guy, we don't have any.
There is in fact a friendly
hot dog vendor...
Who solicits from
this very platform.
Look, lass, do you
want it or don't you?
I don't know.
Go ask the station master.
What can this be?
Through the use of infant head oils--"
that's one of our new acquisitions.
Silky. As it says here, it is uncondi-
tionally guaranteed to make your hair...
Softer than that of your
own darling child.
It's remarkable stuff. Why don't
you try some? Yes, I will.
Try it, Ginger. Try it.
Thank you.
Righto, mate.
Now what do you want?
I'd like a hot doggy,
please, my good man.
Oh, you'd like hot doggy, would you?
Yeah. Right.
One hot doggy you shall "havey."
- Ah, my second world war nazi atrocity
book came at last. - [Agnes] Good heavens.
Do you know what Bitsy and I do?
We sit down and imagine all those atro-
cities being done to the sex criminals.
Yes, sex criminals and the like.
And that dr. Thorndike.
What's that, ginge?
Bill Thorndike, a sexy criminal?
The man you sent me to,
he behaved very strangely.
I say, hot doggy.
Do you want some onions?
Are you calling me?
Do you want some onions?
Oh, I love onions.
Absolutely love them.
- Do you want some H.P. or mustard?
- Uh, neither. Thank you.
That'll be nine pence.
Nine pence?
Nine pence.
Now don't you go away, vendor.
I shall be back with nine
English pence. - Hey! Hey!
Before he said another word and
while my head was still leaning back,
He dropped a raw egg into my mouth.
Come on. Get a move on.
There we are, lad.
What's this, a fiver?
I can't change a bleedin' fiver!
Are you quite sure this was an egg?
Come on then. The train's on the
move. I can't change this fiver.
- Come on. I ain't got all day.
- I say, no tricks now.
This train's on the move. I want
my change. I can't change a fiver.
And then do you know what he did?
No. What?
He got a huge slab
of wet, greasy bacon...
And wrapped it 'round my head.
- Here, you better have this.
- What's this? A bloody tenner!
I can't change a bloody tenner!
Well, you better have this doggy back.
I'm not having that back.
You've been noshing it.
- Hold on. Son. Case.
- Dad? Case.
- [laughing]
- quickly.
- I think we're onto something here.
- [shouting indistinctly]
You're certainly putting
everybody on today, dad.
Well, you know, Youngman, sometimes
it's not enough merely to teach.
One has to punish as well.
A little bit of the old pause.
Cause for pause.
Yes. I say,
Mark that person
of irritable mien.
He's made a million out of
man's inhumanity to man.
Salt of the earth.
Yes, salt of the earth.
Perhaps together we can restore
his faith in the mystery of life.
For god's sake, close the door.
There's a bloody draft.
A big hand
for our special guest!
[rock, indistinct]
Guard! Guard.
Yes, sir? There's something
bloody weird going on in here.
I've been driving
on this line for 40 years--
Very interesting.
Your papers, please!
[muttering indistinctly]
a few questions, please!
Please! Please!
[woman over P.A.]
Auchengillan. Auchengillan.
Auchengillan. Auchengillan.
[announcement continues
This is Auchengillan.
[screaming] Come on.
Out you come.
Is that Ginger?
What happened to her hair?
She's tried the silky.
It's the price of vanity.
These are strange times
we live in, son. Yes.
Each of us does our best.
Who can say more?
But, Guy.
Yes, dear.
Youngman might want to get married.
I was wondering if we could help. Sure-
ly there must be something we could do.
I don't see any reason why you shoul-
dn't. Henry! Grand to see you, Guy.
Agnes. Esther.
This the boy?
This is the boy.
Youngman, prince Renskeer.
Hello, prince.
Hello, Youngman. Come for the shoot?
Yes. Well, come on.
Let's tend to the baggage.
Right, right, right. Careful. These
country roads can be dangerous.
[siren wailing]
[Youngman] Oh, here come the fuzz.
What on earth do they want?
Could be routine or...
Mere damnable harassment.
Sir Guy.
Hello, corporal.
I'm sorry to detain you, sir Guy,
but H.Q. Said it might be important.
Oh, well. Let's see, shall we?
Yeah, I say. Thank you very much,
corporal. Thank you very much.
[clears throat]
Yes, corporal?
Any answer, sir Guy?
Uh, there we are, corporal.
And good night.
Good night, sir Guy.
Fine clean kill.
Damn fine morning for a shooting.
Bloody fine. [Youngman]
It's a good clean kill, eh, dad?
Damned keen, Guy, isn't he?
Bloody keen. Damn fine chap too.
[man] He's bloody keen too.
Not like that palfrey.
I invite him to one of my
shoots and he shot a runner.
- No!
- Yes. Saw it with me own eyes.
Poor little thing
was trying to escape.
Chaps these days have no sense
of bloody sportsmanship.
- Damn them fellas!
- The old values are crumblin'.
Old value? What on earth is
that gun you've got there?
This is a 24 over and under.
It's a sporty little item, but,
uh, personally I prefer a 12-bore.
I don't mind missing
one or two pheasants,
Provided I can occasionally
get a quick kill.
Aye, quick kill, that's
the name of the game.
Dispatch the little
buggers quickly, eh? Yes.
Look! The dogs are on point, Guy.
Yes, so they are, Lionel.
So they are.
Still in all, I don't fancy
relying entirely on dogs, do you?
Hey, what--
Hit the deck!
Now for a good clean kill.
Blast! Missed.
Over to you, red leader one.
[Lionel] For god sakes,
Guy, what's going on?
In god's name, stop it!
Yes. Good shooting,
red leader one.
A direct hit.
good god!
[Guy] Nothing like a good,
clean kill, eh, Henry?
Your bird, sir Guy.
It is the bestest shooting I've
seen in 30 years of service.
[shouting indistinctly]
Oh, bloody hell!
[church bells tolling]
[Guy] Well, this is your
new home, Youngman.
[Agnes] Isn't it marvelous?
[Esther] It's perfectly lovely.
Good morning.
[Youngman] Good morning.
It's really fantastic.
I can't believe it. That big
clock, is that yours as well?
Oh, I'm gonna have
a good time here.
I can kind of feel
it in me bones.
[indistinct chattering]
The staff are assembled.
Are these all ours?
welcome, welcome
Youngman Grand
to the finest family
in the land
a name that will
forever stand
Grand, Grand
They've been practicin'.
Marvelous. Come along.
Oh, excellent, excellent.
Excellent. This is saul.
And his fiancee Claymont.
And over here we have
mrs. Heatherington.
Martha. Mary.
Anaizby, sir.
Withers. Fran. Beverly.
- And if memory serves--
- Norris, sir.
Norris, the head gardener.
Hello, Norris.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I intro-
duce you to my new son Youngman.
[harp, recorder]
Do you think words corrupt?
I don't know.
But let's try.
- Nipple.
- Shh.
Well, there's no immediate
physical change.
I don't really think words corrupt.
But they keep prosecuting these people
for selling pornographic books.
Why don't we write...
A dirty, filthy pornographic book...
[glasses beeping]
And then print it leaving blanks
where the dirty words were? Yes.
And then people could write
what they wanted themselves.
It'd be much more exciting.
Yes, and much more creative.
[Youngman] How about this?
Pounding with desire,
lord Peter ripped open her--
[toots] revealing her--
And leaned forward and-- her.
Brilliant, Youngman, but why
leave it at pornography?
What about the bible?
The bible?
Yes, the bible. Ladies and gentle-
men, presenting the good book.
can you make it better
Groove with your
space commander, dad.
[tv beeps]
This is Michael Barrett reporting
from the famous cruft's dog show...
And here's mr. Umbongo
just after the incident.
A new breed of dog--
if in fact it was a dog--
Made a spectacularly unfortunate debut
at the show when it opened here today.
The enduring question was the
so-called Congo black dog known as,
Or registered anyway,
as "Big Fang."
And it's a curious
catlike creature.
Today covered in a poodle-type
coat which almost obscured its face.
When its owner, mr. Umbongo from Masawa
in West Africa took it into the arena,
The beast went absolutely berserk.
It ferociously attacked
the other entries.
There was devastation. There was
havoc, near panic in the galleries.
And it's reported that
the dog was actually eating...
An unspecified number
of its fellow entries.
This is Michael Barrett
returning you to the studio.
Oh, so dreadful, Guy!
Switch it over.
That's better.
I can't imagine how a thing like
that could happen at Cruft's.
A direct hit on st. Pete's, dad.
Good, good.
Good, Youngman, good. Cook can't
do anything with the grouse, Guy.
She says they're burnt
to a cinder.
Incompetence in the kitchen,
eh, sister?
Guy? Guy?
Cook said they were like that when she
opened the game bag. Carry on, Youngman.
All ashes and bones.
Ashes and bones in the game bag?
Ho-ho. I don't like the sound of that.
- Eh, Youngman?
- Me neither, dad.
There. - Guy, we simply must
eat because I'm starving.
Now come along.
What? What?
- I'm starving.
- The whole world's starving.
Well, look here, sister.
Let me say if-- if cook...
Has in fact spoiled
our table bird,
Why don't we all go down
to chez eduard.
Where, if memory serves,
An honest working man can still
get a good Lancashire hot pot.
Chez Eduard's such fun.
That's a splendid idea.
Can't we settle our
differences amicably?
No, son. No. Not while
there's a cathedral standing.
Good evening, sir Guy.
Good evening, sir Guy.
Everything is arranged for you.
Good, good.
Sir Guy, you do me a great honor.
Nonsense, nonsense.
I've been imposing myself for one of your
gastronomic experiences for some time.
- Waiter. - Everything
is prepared as you ordered.
Good, good. Then I suggest
we waste no more time.
Guy, aren't you dining with us?
No, dear Agnes, no. When
the gourmet mood is on me,
My needs must dine alone.
You remember Charles, sir Guy?
Charles, Charles.
[speaks French]
The Aden offensive, was it not?
Give us one of the old ones,
Charles. I love the old ones.
May I suggest the pour commencer,
c'est ce pas caviar?
The caviar, yes.
Beluga, of course.
[speaking Fench]
It's very interesting, Eduard.
But tonight I fancy...
Putting your canard a l'orange
to the test. [grunts]
You have heard.
It is the canard a l'orange.
Uh, sommelier, yes.
Yes, that'll do very nicely.
Sir Guy Grand.
Last of the great gourmets.
Do you approve of
the wine, sir Guy?
The cork is '47.
Is the wine aussi, sir Guy?
A rare combination.
This plucky little Burgundy has got
my juices a flowing. - Merci, sir Guy.
[both speaking French]
With ministry of transport,
sixty pence.
Oh, another first for England.
[shouts] That's better.
God almighty, what's going on here?
Waiter! [customers shouting]
You know, Eduard,
The odd thing about caviar...
Is that one never
gets enough toast.
Toast, sir Guy?
No, thank you. I never touch it.
The chopped egg.
Where a fish is a sturgeon,
This can only come from a virgin.
Yes, it is '47.
Yes, thank you.
This is the canard.
Yes, I love it.
Yes, I must speak with the chef.
I must speak with the chef.
Mon compliments a chef!
Mon compliments a chef!
That's the last we shall
see of him tonight.
[man over P.A.] Gentlemen,
a big hand for a good loser.
[crowd jeering]
But, Guy, I thought you said
it was to be a soiree musicale.
Hold it, tiger.
Big smile.
It's the championship, aunt Agnes.
Ike Jones and Joe Thompson.
Challenger Joe Thompson has just clim-
bed into the ring looking very fit.
Very fit indeed. And getting
a warm round of applause...
From this fine sporting
crowd here tonight.
All of them asking themselves
the same question:
Can the challenger
deliver his punch?
You know he's got it,
but can he deliver it?
Will he stay conscious
long enough to deliver it?
Good evening, milady.
Ah, jeff, last of
the old bulldog breed, eh?
And here he comes now, the heavyweight
champion of the world, Ike Jones.
[crowd cheering]
Just listen to the reception he's
getting. Just listen to this crowd.
Let's have a look at the record
of these two rugged customers.
I have reason to believe this
may be an exceptional bout. Yes.
Jones may be strong, granted.
But in my opinion,
Joe Thompson could easily be
that much too nimble for him.
Eh, jeff?
Certainly, sir.
Well, both these men
mount the ring...
With very impressive
records behind them.
The champion has been unbeaten
in a total of 78 bouts.
He's never been knocked out.
In fact, he's never even
been knocked off his feet.
But he has had to take plenty
of punishment from time to time.
Ike Jones is certainly not hi-
ding behind the door, as they say,
When fighting heart and
guts was being handed out.
My lords, ladies
and gentlemen,
This is the main event...
Of the evening.
Fifteen rounds of boxing...
For the heavyweight
Of the world...
Between and
presenting to you...
In this corner
from Battersea, London,
The British and British
Empire champion,
John Thompson.
[crowd cheering]
And with pleasure, for the
first time in Great Britain,
From Detroit, United
States of America,
The heavyweight champion
of the world,
Ike Jones!
[crowd cheering]
Fighters move to the
center of the ring.
They are getting final
instructions from the referee.
Both fighters looking
confident and relaxed.
And the crowd here at this arena
settles back for what promises to be...
A very hard and lively scrap...
Between these two giants.
Now they've returned to their
corners and we wait for the bell.
Hit him straight in the eye.
- [muttering]
- [muttering]
- [bell dings]
- [crowd cheering]
Our first round of this brutal
match for the heavyweight crown.
Both boys circling each other now
carefully. Each measuring his man.
Showing due respect for the lethal
power in the gloves of the opponent.
[cheering ceases]
You're too much.
Come on then.
[crowd gasps]
One, two,
Guy, those men are absurd.
I thought they were just good friends.
[crowd jeering]
The crowd seem to be sickened...
By the sight of no blood.
[Guy] There they are, son.
The dark blues.
The Oxford crew. Stout hearts, the lot.
Where are they going, dad?
[Guy] Nowhere in particular.
Back and forth.
Back and forth. Working out.
Honing the edge, if
one may dare to coin.
They're practicing for the big
race with the Cambridge eight.
That'll be our man, son.
We'll be wanting a word with him.
if you want it here it is
come and get it
make your mind up fast
if you want it
anytime I can give it
but you better hurry
'cause it may not last
[chattering indistinctly]
did I hear you say
that there must be a catch
will you walk away
from a fool and his money
Step inside.
Well, that much is done.
Done and double done.
Bit surprised he went
for it, actually.
I mean, the race being such a
traditional thing and all that.
Well, son, as you proceed
along the great road of life,
Sometimes referred to as the "yellow
brick road," you'll find that the--
[blowing nose]
I say, what's
all this about?
What do you make of this, son?
What do you think this is?
Looks like an advert?
"what's it all about?"
This car is parked in a loading zone.
And it's lucky for you it wasn't
towed away for that matter.
What is this thing?
What is it?
Now that-- that happens
to be a parking ticket...
That I've issued to you
for the violation.
But my son thought it was
an advert, didn't you?
I thought it was an advert.
Yes, I can't see the
point of it myself.
I really can't see
the point at all.
The point is that
you are in violation.
You violated the traffic rule...
[horn honks] [cab driver]
Get out of it!
By parking your car
in a loading zone.
That's what it's all about.
What do you mean loading zone?
There's no loading
going on around here.
What do you think these sods are doing
with them pressurized ferkins then?
Tell me that then.
Pressurized ferkins.
You know, not many years ago,
I can recall the day...
When you could buy a decent pressu-
rized ferkin for a couple of pounds.
[officer] Let go, sir.
The whole thing is these sods
aren't loading pressurized ferkins.
They're unloading.
Constable, there's the rub.
There's no difference.
There's no difference at all.
And don't call me constable.
It's warden.
Not sergeant, warden.
Well, then, are you trying
to tell me, sergeant Warden,
Is there's no difference between
loading and unloading?
What's he doin'?
He looks like a bleedin' nutcase to me.
Why don't you get
your bleedin' hair cut?
"Number seven:
The silent scream.
"Open your mouth and eyes
as wide as you can...
"stretching the muscles against the skin
and bones that hold the face together.
Try to tear
your face apart."
What's your game then?
Uh, grand is the name.
And, uh, money is the game.
Would you care to play?
"Make it as tiny as you can.
Try and make your
face disappear."
What's that you said then? Can you
see this facsimile of her majesty?
God bless her. Just a minute.
What was that you said before?
Oh, my suggestion is...
That if you're prepared
to eat that parking ticket,
I will give you 500 sterling
for eating it.
What do you mean by that?
What do you mean, me eat that-that?
It's quite simple. Just put the tic-
ket, my good fellow, into your mouth,
Chew it up and you swallow it,
and I give you this 500.
- Just a bloody minute.
- "Number 12:
"When sitting in a car place
your hands on the outside...
"of the steering wheel and push
it with all your strength.
Combine with the exercise
silent scream and tiny face."
[Guy] Silent scream.
Tiny face.
Yes, now listen.
Are you--
are you telling me...
That you're--
you're willing to give me 500 quid...
Yes, to eat that ticket.
To-- to eat that ticket?
It's what you might call a
limited offer. - A limited offer.
Expiring in, shall we say,
I don't know, ten seconds?
Uh, give me that!
Shall we say ten?
Start the countdown.
You can go as quick as you like.
- Nine--
- eight--
seven, six,
- You needn't eat the plastic.
- It's all right. It's all right.
I just wanted to see
if you had your price.
Most of us do.
Good luck, sir.
I'm here-- I'm here every Thursday.
Let that be a lesson to you!
[radio, indistinct]
What's the nature of it, son?
Something you can
share with your dad?
"For the gracious few, a new
concept in ocean cruising.
"The Magic Christian.
"Fully air-conditioned and
controlled-environment ship...
"will depart tower bridge easter Sun-
day on its maiden voyage to New York.
Applications for passengers
are now being considered."
"Those denied passage
on the Christian...
"need not take offense.
Remember, our criteria
may not be yours."
I hope it keeps fine for them.
What do you think they mean by
"Our criteria may not be yours"?
It's to avoid offending people
who may not be quite top drawer.
Oh, I see.
How thoughtful.
Well, I know Deborah and
Simon applied this morning.
I hope they won't be
too disappointed if, uh--
Well, not exactly
who's who, are they?
Excuse me. Do you mean
Deborah and Simon Devanger?
Ah, yes, terribly sweet.
Frightfully nice people,
but hardly Burke's.
I do think, that in my opinion the
maiden voyage of The Magic Christian...
Could easily become the social must of
the season. [all murmuring agreement]
[man over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,
the auction is about to start.
Shall we go in?
I've got a little work to do.
I'll see you later.
I'll see you inside.
All right.
if you want it
here it is
come and get it
but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
you better hurry
'cause it's going
a fool and his money
sonny, if you want it
here it is
come and get it
but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
you better hurry
'cause it's going
Excuse me.
This is, uh, rembrandt,
is it not?
Well, it may be.
It's not been authenticated.
It's certainly
school of rembrandt.
It's most
frightfully dark.
One can hardly make it
out at all.
Well, he was a master of
light and shade, wasn't he?
And it is a little old.
Uh, excuse me, mister, uh--
Might I ask... The price of
this example of light and shade?
It's being sold by auction,
But we expect to get
about, uh, 10,000.
I'd be prepared to give you...
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, 15,000?
See, well, I must assure you I've been
given instructions not to accept any--
In that case, my final
offer would be 30.
Th-thirty thousand pounds?
I do-- I really do
beg your pardon.
Sir, it's a deal.
Yes, good, good.
I, uh-- I like school of Rembrandt.
Saint Rembrandt's high.
Yes, I enjoy all
the French painters.
Uh, well, Rembrandt was, uh,
in a sense, Dutch.
- Although, he was much influenced
by the, uh-- - Dutch?
The Dutch. Rembrandt.
I don't like the,
uh, Dutch painters.
The only thing the
Dutch could paint--
- [screams]
- Please.
[Guy] Yes, please, restrain yourself.
This is my painting.
I shall be paying you...
30,000 for this
Copy of a French Rembrandt.
That's a splendid nose.
[Youngman] Seventeenth century?
Excellent nose. Keep that.
You can burn the rest.
- Uh-- - Yes, unless of
course you have any other...
- French noses by Van Dyck or--
- No.
Come, Youngman.
Let's go and watch the auction.
And keep your eye
open for a good ear.
Mr. Gerard.
Number 1-3-3 in your catalog,
ladies and gentlemen.
"Dignity and impudence,"
by sir Edward Landseer.
This is a Victorian genre picture.
These pictures, not
always appreciated,
Have now become to find a certain
favor among the cognoscenti.
No one back in Baton Rouge
owns a Landseer. No, honey.
- And the colors are just right for our
conversation pens. - This is a big one.
Shall we start it at 1,000?
See, mark the manner
of the others, Youngman.
Don't tip your hand.
That is the fool's game.
Mm. Right.
3,500 from
an outer gallery.
- [knuckle cracks]
- 4,000.
[blows scale]
- [murmuring]
- 5,000.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is not
the usual practice of sotheby's...
To encourage bidding.
But 5,000
for this fine landseer,
Executed at the height of the artist's
maturity, is really something--
- [man gasps] Lord!
- 6,000.
- 6,500...
- He's lost control.
From an outer gallery.
- 7,500.
- [bleats]
- 8,000. 8,000--
- [air horn blares]
- 9,000.
- [glass shattering]
[objects rattling]
11,500-- 12,000. 13,000.
- 14,000. 15,000.
- Guineas!
16,000. 17,000.
Let me through. I'm trying to bid!
- 18,000.
- 18,500!
It's against you, sir.
- No, I can't compete with these prices.
- All right, Herbert.
Mark it sold to the old
American twit in the front row.
[marching band]
[announcer] Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
And welcome to London for this
great and grand historical event--
The Oxford and Cambridge
boat race.
And, as I look at it now, it seems we've
got the most perfect weather overhead.
They're wonderful conditions.
They really are. And, uh--
Cambridge eight
have just appeared.
And we're waiting now for
the much-fancied Oxford crew.
Well, then, now break it up,
chaps, will you? Gather around.
I, uh-- I'd like to introduce
sir Guy Grand...
And his son, Youngman Grand.
[exchanging greetings]
Sir Guy's come down with a very
interesting proposition to us.
- Sir Guy.
- Lads, we, uh,
Had a little idea
concerning the race.
Yes. Yes.
An endeavor, you might say,
to make it somewhat more...
Interesting this year.
[announcer] Cambridge are making
their way to the starting position,
But there's still
no sign of Oxford.
We're here, in fact, to make
you a very interesting offer.
[Youngman] Of money.
[all laughing]
- I think they're trying to bribe us.
- They are.
Oxford still haven't
put in an appearance,
and the crowd's getting
just a bit restive.
It's really most extraordinary.
I'm quite sure the umpire's got
something to say about this.
Oxford, can you hear me?
You mean you've actually come here to of-
fer us money to interfere with the race?
Yes, that's right.
I think you ought to leave.
You have the wrong men.
[overlapping chatter]
But you must leave immediately.
You should realize, sir, that
Oxford men cannot be bought.
Hear! Hear!
But, you see, we thought that
if the sum was large enough,
As large as that.
- Now, get a move on, please!
- [announcer] And here's Oxford at last.
Well, I make them about--
about five minutes late.
That's better.
I think it is the first time
in the history of the race,
that any crew has been late.
Get ready!
Are you ready?
- Row! - And now they're off.
They're off to a good start.
They're late, but
nevertheless underway,
And despite a rather fresh head wind,
they're moving along rather nicely.
Cambridge have settled down nicely.
Moving along tidily, sir John.
Ah, yes.
Splendid. Splendid.
The best I've seen since
I stroked them in '28. Oh?
Yes. Before your time, of course.
Oh, of course.
Yes, of course, yes.
Now, both crews are rowing with al-
most perfect style and lots of polish.
But now as I look, Cambridge
are putting up the stroke now.
And as they shoot Hammersmith
Bridge, I make Cambridge about--
Oh, I should say--
a good length ahead.
The light blues are putting
up the stroke a bit, son.
They're giving it ten.
Mm, you might be right, dad.
What do you mean, "You might be
right"? They are giving out ten.
Yes. Yes. You and I know
they're giving out ten, John.
I was pointing it out to him.
He's new to the game.
Oh, I see.
Why, is he entitled
to that cap?
I mean to say, why is he wearing it?
To keep me head warm.
[chuckles] "Keep it warm."
[announcer] Now, at about
half way along the course,
Cambridge are still in the lead,
and we'll just see how Oxford
will respond to this challenge.
Now, with these lads, it isn't
win or lose or draw that counts.
It's simply playing the game.
That's how it's been for 140
years over this boat race,
And that's how it is today
on the Thames here.
Good, god! What on earth's
going on, for heaven's sake?
- [announcer] The bloody swine have
cut their rudder line. - Oxford!
You're out of your water!
It looks like a change in
tactics for the dark blues.
Hold on, son. Let's not
jump to conclusions.
- They're gonna ram 'em amidship!
- Good god!
- They've been practicin'.
- Yes. What do you make of it, John?
Well, it would've never have
happened in my day. - Nor mine.
- Well, it's happenin' in mine!
- [Guy] It seems the light blues...
Have lost their all too hastily
acquired polish, eh, son?
[announcer] And now the dark
blues are turning back.
Good lads. They're going
back to lend a hand.
[Youngman] Looks like
some kind of a punch up.
- This leaves a very nasty taste in
the mouth. [coughs] - Yes, indeed.
Come here, John. Anything that leaves
a nasty taste in the mouth disgraces.
[coughing] What? John. Could you
just-- for a quick photo together.
Thank you. It's a disgrace.
The whole thing is a disgrace.
Bloody students!
What's going on there, umpire?
Yes, umpire.
What's going on?
What is it?
[indistinct shouting]
Hello, this is Michael Aspel,
and welcome once again to...
[yelling] Another edition
of people are talking about.
Well, these days--
[indistinct chatter]
...Is this fantastic new
dream ship, The Magic Christian.
Now let's meet the man who's going to
be at the helm for her maiden voyage,
Captain Reginald K. Klaus.
Good afternoon, captain.
How do you do? How do you do?
Sit yourself down.
Thank you very much.
Uh-huh. Now, captain, you're no
stranger to a distinguished command,
But how does it feel to be
selected for what must be...
The most coveted captaincy
in the history of seamanship?
[laughs] Quite an honor, I
think I'd say. An honor, yes.
- [all blowing]
- [tv program audio continues]
She's a marvelous ship, sir.
So, how would you sum up?
After 35 years of service
to queen and sea,
I've never looked forward
so eagerly to a new command.
How's that? Thank you
very much, captain Klaus.
And captain Klaus is not
alone in his feelings,
Because tonight many people
are thinking about...
The maiden voyage
of The Magic Christian.
And, as well, about
the lucky people...
Who are going to be fortunate
enough to be passengers.
Although, of course, the
so-called gracious few...
Will have to dig into their
own pockets to the extent...
Of about 5,000 each.
But certainly amongst these
beautiful, trendy people,
It would seem the only "in"
place to be this easter...
Is on board The Magic Christian.
Good evening. This is Alan Whicker
at Tower Bridge quay in London,
From where The Magic Christian,
The most luxurious ship
ever to sail from this port,
Is about to embark upon her maiden
voyage to the new world, to New York.
And we're here to see the
arrival and the departure...
Of the elite of
international society--
The men and women who shape
the destinies of nations--
The passengers of
The Magic Christian.
[woman on P.A.] Ladies and
gentlemen, you're invited...
To make your way to the marine
room on the ocean floor deck...
Where dinner is now being served...
And the captain is waiting
to welcome you on board.
- Youngman, enjoying yourself?
- So far, so good, dad.
Here's our captain on the bridge.
[indistinct] Captain Klaus, here.
Nice to have you aboard.
I'll tell you our course.
Now leaving thames estuary
and having cleared land's end,
We shall fix on about, uh,
Forty-seven degrees
west by norwest.
We're running through
a bit of a chop at the moment,
But thanks to our
multihead gyrostabilizers,
I think we can look forward to
smooth sailing throughout the voyage.
Now here we have our radar,
And here our photoplot.
This is the master compass.
This, of course, is the wheel.
Comforting. [grunts]
[Klaus] But I prefer to
handle the ship myself.
It may be an old-fashioned notion,
But I still like to regard
my ship as a woman.
[groans] Bloody fool!
Shh, shh.
Nice to have you aboard.
Good evening.
Guy grand.
Chupcho. Major chupcho. En garde.
Oh, how do you do.
I must say, I see
few, if indeed any,
Persons of color among
the ship's cavalry.
Huh, some blacks? Blacks
aboard the christian?
Not bloody likely.
What is it, dear? The fellow's going
on about jungle bunnies, my dear.
[mixed chorus]
black and white
black and white
everyone everywhere's
getting uptight
but gray skies
turn to blue
when I dance with you
mr. Universe
mr. Universe
- wrong and right
- psst, psst.
wrong and right
let us just hold up
the future is bright
- but a far far better moon
- [whistling along]
you bring into view
mr. Universe
mr. Universe
dancing with
"'Oh, Badger!' cried the rat.
'Let us in, please.
"'It's me, Ratty,
and my friend, Mole,
- And we've lost our way in the snow.'"
- oh.
There's a picture of them
losing their way in the snow.
It looks very deep.
"'What, Ratty, my dear little man?'
exclaimed the badger...
In quite a different voice."
Take us to cuba!
Good heaven.
[gunshot from tv]
Cynthia! Oh!
Oh, she's always asleep.
[Guy] "Carried a flat
candlestick in his paw."
Get up! Come on!
Get up, everybody! Get up!
Sounds like trouble
in the passageway.
They may have automatic weapons!
I'll just take a shuftie.
Good heavens.
What's all this about, eh?
Well, there's a general
impression, captain,
That there's been trouble
on the bridge, eh, lads?
- Looks like trouble on the bridge.
- Trouble on my bridge?
[captain laughs] That'll be the
proverbial snowstorm in August...
[bell chiming] When there's trouble
on the bridge of the christian.
Ah. That must be three bells. I,
for one, must get back to the wheel.
Now, I suggest you all have a talk
with the sitz grog and get back to bed.
See you in the morning.
Nice to have you aboard.
Sir. Sir.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the
ship's physician, Laurence Faggot.
Oh, doctor, what in the name
of god's going on here?
Now, now, sir herb.
What's all this?
Fair-weather sailor,
cross and irritable,
The moment things don't
exactly suit you. Suit me!
There are odd things going
on that need an explanation!
Explanation? Why don't we
have a little tte--tte.
Perhaps, you could tell me about
your childhood, your early childhood.
I don't need any of that
psychological claptrap!
If you could please just
give me some tranquilizers.
Escape into drugs? Mask your
fears in an artificial fog?
Oh, surely, you can't
be serious. Oh, well,
Give me some decent
English aspirin.
Here, sir herb, try this. It's
just what the doctor ordered.
Oh, what is it.
It's cannabis, a herb.
[holding breath] It'll tighten your wig.
Tighten my wig?
Why, it's damnable wog hemp!
Who do you think you're kidding?
I saw you try to ditch that stuff.
Okay, buddy. This is
a bust. Let's move.
B-but I was in bed reading!
Oh, cynthia!
This damnable wog hemp is burning
a hole in the ship's carpet, son.
We don't want that, do we, dad?
No, we don't.
Let's really go and listen
to the story. Good idea.
This way, ladies and gentlemen.
This is, of course, the pool room.
Quite a nasty squall on today,
Freezing fog at about
two-feet visibility.
But you wouldn't think so here
on the promenade deck, would you?
Just feel that sunshine and its
life-giving rays. Hmm, lovely.
Good morning!
[guide] Now then, let's step into
the sea spray bar for an aperitif.
[man on P.A.] Testing, hot damn
vietnam. Testing, hot damn vietnam.
One, two, buckle my shoe.
Hear this. Attention, please.
We're happy to announce today's
feature film presentation...
Will be men in white, the gripping
story of love and sacrifice,
Commencing in five minutes in the
"B" deck theater. Men in white?
Men in white? One of the great classics
of the silver screen, am I right, son?
Right again, dad. You're quite
uncanny. Come on. Let's go.
[deep breathing]
[man, southern accent]
well, there it is, nurse.
Why, you're lookin' at the all-
american answer to the color problem,
The first multiracial
head transplant in history.
Aw, shoot!
Oh, never mind. There's plenty
more where that boy come from.
Your tea, milady.
Just put it down on the table.
Yes, milady.
Thank you.
That will be all.
Not... Quite,
[screaming continues]
No more bets now.
- No more bets. Thank you.
- [roulette ball rattles]
Twenty-four, black.
Sir, he pocketed my plaque.
He what?
That swine, rivello, he removed
my wager. I didn't see that.
He put it in his pocket. He
pocketed my plaque! All right, sir.
I highly recommend this beaujolais.
Oh, I mustn't have
too much, must I?
Well, perhaps,
just a little bit more. [laughs]
[piano, soft]
Would you like to buy a
girl a drink, big boy?
Here's looking
at you, mister.
Oh, isn't this fun, Guy?
Divine. Divine.
[cackling laugh]
Oh, look, Guy!
How gravely they dance.
mad about the boy
I know it's stupid
to be mad
about the boy
I'm so
ashamed of it
but must admit
the sleepless nights
I'm mad about the boy
on the silver screen
he melts my foolish heart
in every single scene
although, I'm quite aware
that here and there
are traces of
the cad about the boy
lord knows
I'm not a fool girl
I really shouldn't care
lord knows
I'm not a schoolgirl
in the flurry of her first
if I could employ
a little magic
that would
finally destroy
this dream that pains me
and enchains me
but I can't because
I'm mad about the boy
mad about the boy
mad about
the boy
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
[man on P.A.]
Now hear this. Now hear this.
[macabre laughter]
- [panicked screams] - [man on P.A.]
Please put on your life jackets.
Quietly, go to your cabins
and wait there.
- [screaming continues]
- [squealing]
Maybe the ship's going
down with all hands down.
[man on P.A.] Passengers
are respectfully reminded...
That cabin carts are not--
Repeat-- not allowed
to accept gratuities.
Thank you.
There is no cause for alarm.
There is no cause for--
You know, it's probably
a lifeboat drill.
Better safe than sorry, one.
[man over P.A.] Make your way to
"B" deck immediately. I repeat--
Make your way to
"C" deck immediately.
Youngman, what is going on?
Ship's concert, I shouldn't wonder.
[man over P.A.] The Magic
Christian has proven to be...
I repeat-- The Magic Christian
has proven to--- [bubbling sound]
[muffled cries]
Looks like trouble on the bridge.
[man over P.A.] What's going on?
What is going on?
What's happening?
What's happening?
No, but seriously, folks.
Sir, I say, how do we
get out of here?
Through the engine room, if
memory serves. Thank you so much.
In, out.
In, out!
[groaning continues]
In, out. In--
During my reign as
priestess of the whip,
I've never seen such
unmitigated sloth.
- My god! What's going on here?
- J'accuse!
How dare this intrusion?
Who are these people?
- Oh, these are me mates.
- Out! Out!
Oh, I say!
Do that again.
Out! Out of my galley!
[laughs] Everything's shipshape.
Abandon ship!
What channel's that thing?
I really can't imagine.
All this violence.
Oh, really, Guy.
Eh? Huh?
One of the classics
of yesteryear, is it?
You can say what you like, Agnes, but
when it comes to family entertainment,
The old Hollywood moguls can
still show us a thing or two.
[man over P.A.] This is the new
captain speaking. Now hear this.
Here, get a dolly! Thank god,
we've arrived! It's new york!
Well, look!
Look, it's tower bridge!
It's bloody tower bridge!
We haven't gone anywhere!
We spent the last 48 hours
in the goddamn warehouse!
[Guy on bullhorn]
now getting it ready for you.
Now getting it ready for you!
Not yet ready for you!
Won't be long though!
Now getting it ready.
Come back later.
Nearly ready.
Almost ready for you.
Any time now.
Not long now for free money.
- [Guy] Free money.
- Don't rush the stairway.
[Guy] Here, very soon.
And it's free!
Remember that! Free money!
Costs you nothing!
Arriving now! Arriving now!
Sir Guy Grant?
Grand. Yes. Yes.
This your order then?
Let's have a look.
Is this right, son?
Uh, 100 gallons of blood.
Two hundred gallons of urine.
Five hundred cubic feet
of animal manure. Yeah.
Where do you want it put?
Put it in the vat.
Put it in that, fred.
call out the instigators
because there's
something in the air
we've got to get together
sooner or later
the revolution's here
and you know it's right
and you know
that it's right
we have got
to get it together
we have got
to get it together
close up the streets
and houses
because there's
something in the air
we've got to get together
sooner or later
the revolution's here
and you know it's right
and you know
that it's right
we have got
to get it together
we have got to
get it together
What do you think of it, dad?
Very good, indeed. A bit literal,
I suppose, if one goes into it.
And they're
certainly going to.
hand out
the arms and ammo
we're gonna blast
our way through here
we got to get together
sooner or later
You're quite right, Youngman.
There must be
a simpler way.
This is it.
Well, let's give it a try.
Hear! Hear! Hear!
What's going on?
Oi! Come on! Come on here!
You can't do that, you can't.
It's against park regulations!
Sod the regulations. You can
keep here any night you like.
Good night, gents.
if you want it
here it is
come and get it
make your mind up fast
if you want it
anytime I can give it
but you better hurry
'cause it may not last
did I hear you say
that there must be a catch
will you walk away
from a fool and his money
if you want it
here it is
come and get it
but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
if you want it
here it is
come and get it
make your mind up fast
if you want it
anytime I can give it
but you better hurry
'cause it may not last
did I hear you say
that there must be a catch
will you walk away
from a fool and his money
sonny, if you want it
here it is
come and get it
but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
you better hurry
'cause it's going fast
you better hurry
'cause it's going