Making the Grade (1984) Movie Script

Up and down these steps.
Up and down.
Gettin' too old.
Now, don't make me
come in that room.
Not even human.
Too much trouble.
Palmer?
Palmer, you awake in there yet?
Palmer?
Palmer!
I haven't the time.
Which pile are you?
Mr. Townsend's
still downstairs.
He ain't gettin' a bit happier.
What? I can't
understand you
with that thing on your face.
Well, I can't breathe in here
with all these germs.
Townsend's downstairs.
Oh, screw townsend.
Open a window, will ya?
You open a window.
I ain't steppin' in this room
until it's clean.
Hey, nobody said this job
wasn't gonna have its hazards.
What are we paying you for?
I ain't paid enough
to do this job.
Nobody's ever been
paid enough to do this job.
How about a brewski?
Nice grab.
Waking up
To the sound
That life is beating
To the drum
Heaven bound
There's no defeating
Straight ahead
Movin' up
So don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Shake it up
Take your stand
'Cause life could throw you
Oh, unexpected plans
Don't be surprised
Here's a word
To the wise, yeah
Oh, don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Your life's a dance
Gotta take a chance
Livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge
Oh, livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge
Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo
Hmm hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm hmm
Doo doo doo doo
Palmer!
Doo doo doo...
What the hell
are you doing here?
As your father's
special assistant...
You're an ass-kissing joke.
And you're a lazy
self-centered twerp
and an embarrassment
to your family.
My father's not gonna like you
talking like that.
I'm quoting your father.
Oh.
He's telexed me from Belgium
with some good news.
He's placed you
in Hoover Academy
for your final year
of prep school.
What?
I knew you'd be pleased.
Maybe now you can graduate
before you're older
than the faculty.
You know what they say
about Hoover?
It's like going to school
in a vacuum.
It's the prep school
of last resorts.
Palmer, flunking out
of six schools in three years
doesn't leave many options.
Kids you started with
are practicing medicine now.
Does my mother know about this?
She said maybe I shouldn't
go to school this year,
I should try to find myself.
You know, I have
a very delicate psyche.
Join me in a little canard?
Quack!
I doubt that your
mother does know.
She's probably in the Caribbean
sunning her own delicate psyche.
Let me give you the alternative.
If you don't go to school
and don't graduate,
you will be cut off.
No trust fund, no allowance.
You will actually have to get...
And forgive me
for using the word...
A job.
Thank you.
Bonjour, monsieur.
Bonjour, madame.
A bientot.
May I take your order, monsieur?
Perhaps a little electric
shock therapy, Nicky.
You know, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you hold the vin
and give me a couple of dogs?
Ten years as maitre d'
in the best French
restaurant in town, Eddie.
Old habits die hard,
and then they may want me back.
Here's Nicky,
handling the books!
I'll tell you something
that's worse for you, Eddie...
Those two primates Dice
has got out looking for ya.
Uhh!
I just had to do
a little bit of,
ha, relocation, you know?
You wouldn't, uh...
Happen to have $3,700
I could borrow, would you?
Shit!
Ha ha ha ha.
Anytime before
Halley's Comet gets here.
Wanna shut up?
God damn it!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like...
Yes, it is,
it's slicing toward
the elm trees!
Who are you, curt fucking gowdy?
Hey, that was
your best drive today.
Now, look, shift your weight
a little faster like this,
then you'll lose that slice.
What do you say, Eddie?
Jeez, Eddie, we had
a real tough time finding you.
Not tough enough, huh?
Hey, the Dice Man's
really pissed at ya.
Ha ha ha.
Now, that's poor dental hygiene.
I'll tell you what, I'll
give you this for your breath,
and you let me go.
Let you go?
And face unemployment
in these uncertain times?
Gimme that!
Hey, so how's...
How's the ax-murder business?
I don't know.
It's this prep school thing.
It's throwing my game off.
I'm not psychologically
prepared to go.
Well, at least we can
still be roommates, you know?
Small compensation, Rand.
Look, I got other plans.
I was supposed to leave for
Europe in a couple of days.
Besides, Hoover Academy.
What do you recommend?
Lessons.
What club, wise-ass?
Aw, if I were you,
I'd just stick to kicking.
If you were me, you
wouldn't be a caddy.
Hold this, will you?
Yeah.
What difference does it
make to my parents
if I go to school or not?
They never see me.
Or each other, for that matter.
What a tragedy.
Ok, boys, watch this.
God damn it!
Get up.
Flex it
Flex it
Hard, hard,
hard, hard, hard, hard
What, are you girls practicing
for a palsy contest?
You make me sick, you know that?
Don't wave to him.
He owes me money.
Hey, Dice Man.
The act looks great!
What do you think, Mook?
Eddie...
The act sucks.
Now, that's respect.
Why do I get the feeling
you've been avoiding me?
I don't know. Maybe 'cause
I've been avoiding you?
That's pretty good.
Not, I trust, because
of any fiscal difficulty
we might be having?
He bit off an ear for
a tenth of what you owe.
I need some more time.
You had time, man.
- No, I...
You fucked up.
You're a screwup, you know that?
You should not have
begun wagering.
So now you must pay
or suffer.
You decide.
Is there a third choice?
Death by tire wheels.
Ha ha. Eddie,
I don't need this pressure.
I don't need this small shit.
Get him outta here.
Break his legs.
And then get me some pizza, ok?
With anchovies.
What are you doin'?
Skinny son of a bitch!
You wait, Eddie!
You skinny son of a bitch!
I'll grab you!
Aw, shit!
Go ahead, play through,
assholes!
God damn it!
God, you know, if it wasn't
for those seven triple bogeys,
I probably would have had
a pretty good round.
Ha ha ha.
You know what the joke of this
whole prep school thing is?
My parents won't even know
if I'm there or not.
That's what really bugs me.
Will you stop complaining?
I mean, being poor
is worse than going
to prep school.
You should ask a poor person.
Who knows any poor people?
If I did, I'd hire one
to go to school for me,
and I'd be off to Europe.
Yeah, now, that's the remark
of a desperate man.
Yeah, well, I'm desperate.
Cheese?
Aw, yuck!
Hey, you know somethin'?
Nobody at the school
knows what I look like.
My father will be traipsing
all over the world on business,
and my mother
will just be traipsing.
Why wouldn't it work?
Pay some guy, what?
5, 600 bucks a month
and a bonus to graduate.
You said it yourself.
Going to school
is better than being poor.
Well, yeah, sure,
it's a great idea,
but, I mean,
where do you propose
to find the idiot to do this?
So, how do you interview
a guy for a job like this?
What, do I send for
your school records,
ask for references?
Hey, man, listen,
forget the red tape, ok?
I'm considering
a lot of other offers.
Yeah, you two should
exchange brain scans.
I mean, you're both nuts.
Don't worry, I got an instinct
for these things.
Yeah, right.
Uh, I'll cover
your monthly expenses,
and there's a $5,000 bonus
once I get my diploma.
5,000 bucks?
All right, 10,000,
but that's it.
Once you get to Hoover,
my buddy here
will show you the ropes.
He may not come
from important money,
but he's got a lot of class.
You want
the car, too? Test spin.
Isn't that a little steep?
What the hell.
I hate the color.
Eddie!
God, you almost hit those guys!
Feel free to open it up,
I mean, Jesus.
I don't know, I don't like it.
You know what I mean?
I'm the one who's gonna
have to take the heat
when this Eddie guy screws up,
and he's gonna screw up.
So, you just got to make
sure that he doesn't.
Look, he can't
do any worse than me.
I mean, seven years, and I
still haven't graduated.
Yeah, good for you.
But he doesn't even fit in,
you know?
You don't even know this guy.
He may stay a week
and decide to take off, huh?
Wrong.
Did you see the way
he was looking at my Porsche?
Besides, I don't have time
to find anybody else.
Hang on a second, chief.
Look, who else can I turn to?
You're my best friend.
Yeah.
I'm your only friend.
Now, look, as I see it,
you know, uh...
Everyone's getting something
out of this here but me.
That's life,
that's what they say
You're riding...
Wrong. This is life.
And now, he can't make it
without my help,
and I should get paid.
What?
Why not?
It's not like I come from
really "important money."
Uhh! Uhh!
Look, pay me half of what
you're paying Eddie.
Rand, you have turned
into real pond scum.
Yeah, well, you better hurry up.
I'm considering
some other offers.
All right, all right.
Come on, will ya?
I haven't got all day!
Oh, yes, sir.
I can count on you, can't I?
Sure. Let's...
Let's just hope
you can count on Eddie.
Ciao, baby.
I hate school!
I'm not going! I won't go!
I'm gonna puke if you
make me go to school!
Good-bye, mother, father.
Bye. Nice meeting you.
Good-bye.
Nice tennis racket, kid.
You won't be needing it.
You scratched it.
This is from Abercrombie's,
and you scratched it.
Can you believe this cheese dip
scratched my luggage?
Kill him.
Sing it.
I said sing it, smack.
Sing it.
But I didn't memorize
it, sir. I didn't know.
You... You didn't know?
You didn't know?
Well, you think
you're such a big man
you didn't have to learn
the Hoover fight song?
N-No, sir.
Sing it.
Hoover Prep, we are for you
Proud to-to wear
the pink and green
He's registered to be here.
What's the deal? He
should be here by now.
Don't you have
his name or anything?
Well, baby
You got rhythm
You got style
You got it made in the shade
Oh, wow
Take it easy
Or take it slow,
don't you know
You got double trouble
High roller...
Hey.
Yo, Rand!
Ooh, a pretender
Oh, yeah
Well, baby
You got rhythm
You got style
You got it made in the shade
Oh, wow
Take it easy
Or take it slow,
don't you know
You got double trouble
You got rhythm
You got style
You got it made in the shade
Oh, wow
Take it easy
Or take it slow,
don't you know
You're in double trouble
Shoop shoop
Ohh!
You actually paid for this room?
Ha. You actually paid
for those clothes?
What's wrong with these clothes?
Well, you must be
Palmer Woodrow.
My name's Bif.
Skip. Reggie.
Great names.
Wish I had a name like Bif.
Yeah, can't get depressed
with a name like that.
I mean, it doesn't
sound right to say,
"Gee, Bif, what's wrong?
Are you depressed?"
Great names.
And if I may say,
that is a great outfit, Woodrow.
We were admiring it
when you came in.
That is genuine Ban-Lon,
isn't it?
Uh, very nice. It almost
feels like something real.
Ha ha ha ha.
Gosh, I... I really hate
to bring this up,
but, uh, Rand, did you tell
Woodrow that he's a smack?
Oh, he's a senior.
He's a senior, Bif.
What's a smack?
He's still new.
What's a smack?
Smack's a freshman
or-or any new kid.
Right. Now, Blimp here,
well, Blimp's a senior,
but he's also
the floor demo model.
Hit it, Blimp.
Ha ha.
That'll be all.
Now, smacks must come
to attention like that
whenever a senior passes,
and a smack must always be
prepared to sing a song.
You do know the song?
It's your first day.
We're gonna let it go.
But you teach him, Rand.
It's on your shoulders.
Good to see you again,
Bif. See you, buddy.
I'll be talking
to you guys later.
What the hell were you doing?
I mean, you are supposed
to be Palmer Woodrow.
You're supposed to fit in and
lose your stupid personality.
You are supposed to be a preppy,
or else we can kiss
our money good-bye.
Oh, our money?
Yes, yes. I have a stake
in this, too, all right?
And you're gonna fit in,
because I'm not gonna lose it,
nor am I gonna take
any crap from you
when you screw up.
Now, I'm allergic to cancer,
so quit smoking.
All right, lesson one...
Preppy-come-lately,
preppy-come-never,
preppy-forever.
Socks... Wear them
only to weddings,
and then, well,
only if it's your own.
This duck is preppy, all right?
This duck is not.
This woman is preppy.
Thank you very much.
This man is not.
Thank you. Ugh.
Come on. Don't roll cigarettes
up in your sleeve.
Learn to love yellow and pink.
A tie's knot should never
be bigger than your head.
Clothes, they should look
like you inherited them
from your older brother.
Oh, very nice.
Pants... Now they should
look like you outgrew them
last year.
Preppies must get beat up a lot.
Are you listening to me?
Wear as many layers as possible,
but not enough to remind you
you have any armpits.
You look great.
Things should look neat
but never new, all right?
Isn't this a great store?
I mean, you should be proud.
Today we single-handedly
destroyed the polyester
industry. Ha ha ha.
Uh, now, that's not very preppy.
Well, men...
Ha ha!
And-and I call you men
because that's exactly
what you are
when you register as seniors
here at Hoover Academy.
One of you sitting here
is gonna be the recipient
of this year's annual
Hoover Memorial Award.
The symbol of academic
and social achievement.
I-I ask you, men,
isn't that exciting?
I-I find it exciting.
As exciting as the sense
of tradition and honor
that the name Hoover embodies.
Sounds like Coach Wordman.
I have got tattoos
you wouldn't believe,
in uncharted regions.
Hello!
What's going on here?
I'm welcoming the seniors.
What's going on there?
Is it September already?
Sir, excuse me,
but this is the proctor
for the senior dorm?
Why, he's not setting
a very good example.
I totally agree with you.
I don't think you
understand, sir.
These ladies' car
ran out of gas.
I'm merely letting them
use my phone.
Let's have a little bit
of compassion.
What do you think these are?
I'm just filling them up
with gasoline
to bring back to the car.
Ahem, but now that I see
these ladies in the light,
I realize they are not women
of high moral integrity.
A couple of woof-woofs.
So let's get out of here
right now, please.
Perhaps I should be sure
that they are removed
from the premises, sir.
Hurry back.
I'm gonna have to.
I've only got about 11 minutes
left on my hour. Great.
Hey, wait, wait.
Wait, let me help.
Wait a minute. You're not
going anywhere, young man.
Just sit down, Mr., uh...
Woodrow, Woodrow,
Palmer Woodrow.
Look, it's my only
ride into town.
You're not going into town.
Why? Or you're gonna
have girls come here?
'Cause this place,
it's very nice,
but it's very boring.
This is an all-boys
preparatory school, Mr. Woodrow.
First call for breakfast!
First call for breakfast!
First call for breakfast!
Let's go, this is it.
First day.
We got 20 minutes
to shower and dress.
Wake me when it's
first call for lunch.
Ohh. Ohh!
Oh, Thorndike.
Good to
see you. Good to see you.
What do you think of this
fall weather we're having?
No, I don't like it.
I bought this for you.
It's the weirdest color...
Come on.
Wow. Did you see that?
I'm sorry, I don't see anybody.
We're gonna be late.
Come on.
Now, uh, take out your homework
and-and pass it to the front.
Excuse me, Professor Mueller,
but this is
the first day of class.
You haven't assigned
any homework yet.
Ah, yes, of course.
You seem to have some papers
in your hand.
Perhaps you'd like
to pass them out?
Ah. Ah.
Oh, yes. Of course.
Of course.
Now, what you have there
is a-a psychological profile.
Uh, fill it out.
Then write an essay
about yourself.
How do you spell "parole"?
There are no right or
wrong answers. Simple.
A child could do it.
Uh, lookit.
I think this guy's
getting ready to blast off.
Hey, guys, guys.
Excuse me here.
I find this embarrassing
that we cannot show more respect
to a teacher than this.
Sir, on behalf of
Hoover Academy,
well, I apologize.
Yeah, me, too.
Now, unless all overhead
is dramatically curbed
or there's a marked increase
in alumni contributions,
Hoover Academy faces
financial disaster.
What overhead?
My family gave the land
and built most of the buildings.
You haven't even changed
a light bulb in ten years.
Do you have any idea what
a financial challenge it is
running this institution?
Well, if it's
that much of a challenge,
why don't you just
close the doors?
Well, I...
I-I-I...
I'm afraid I must
agree with mother.
Our family has invested
more than its fair share
in the school.
It's time the burden
was shared by others.
Well, yeah, I quite agree, but...
Well, then
do something about it.
Hoover Prep can always become
Hoover village condominiums.
Uh...
Well, uh...
Ok, everybody
get their overcoats.
Come to me.
Ok.
Now what we have here is
the famed masked intruder.
Come to me.
Take me.
Hey. Come on.
Four bucks.
Take a seat down front.
Two bucks?
Cover one eye.
Ok. What can we
learn from this?
Well, height obviously
has nothing to do
with genital size.
Or shape.
All right, you guys,
what's going on in...
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Coach.
That's four bucks.
No, no. I'm not enrolled
in this course.
I'm only auditing.
All right, guys, move over.
Oh, God, that's wonderful.
Now it's time to rate the date.
Like that!
Sir, I'm very, very sorry
to disturb you like this,
and, well,
you know how much I hate
to inform on a fellow student,
but I feel the reputation
of the Hoover Academy
is at stake here.
Oh, boy.
Uh, Thomas?
You gave them a seven.
Now, why did you give them a seven?
Seven? Seven, what,
are you nuts?
How old are you, kid?
Oh. No,
that was a nine.
Take my word for it.
That was a nine.
All right,
what's going on here, huh?
A National Geographic film?
You guys can't kid me!
Now, let's get up
and out of here.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
All of yas, up, come on, move.
I am surprised at you.
I expected a little
more out of you.
Get out of here.
What kind of behavior is th...
They told me it was a
National Geograph... Kids.
Jeez, you know,
Harriman can just suspend you,
so please shape up.
I don't know what
you're so worried about.
I'm... I'm a hit! A hit!
People are noticing me!
Yeah, but you see,
that's my whole point.
I mean, the perfect credo's
not to be noticed,
to have a sense of,
I don't know,
discipline or tradition.
Woodrow, how you doin'?
There's a Muffy Newhouse
looking for you.
What's a Muffy?
You know Muffy.
You know... Muffy.
Yeah. Muffy.
Now, this is Palmer's
longtime girlfriend.
You gotta be careful, ok?
Don't worry. Ok?
Well, just watch
what you say, all right?
Yo, Muffy.
Yo. Pardon me.
Nice car. Did you
buy this new?
Are you trying to be amusing?
Whoever you are.
Bif.
Bif Hamilton.
Well, fetch Palmer for me, Bif.
This is just the most
wonderful surprise for him...
Me stopping by on my way
to Mount Hollyhock.
Well, actually,
Palmer has a most wonderful
surprise for you.
You see, he's not here.
He left campus
for a little while.
Damn.
You tell him I was here.
Which is where
I expect him to be
the next time I come through.
Hey, slow down, Jack.
Don't litter on campus.
Let's go, you guys!
When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.
If I can stand a regiment,
so can you.
Let me have a beer.
You kiddin'?
Get back in there.
You're in rotten shape
for a teenager.
Well, you're in pretty rotten
shape for a phys ed instructor.
You kiddin'? I'm in rotten
shape for a human.
It's not my fault, though.
I was born before
jogging was invented.
What is your story?
You're not exactly
Mr. Alligator shirt.
No story.
You remind me a lot of
myself when I was your age.
You remind me
a lot of myself now.
Look, get back in there.
Do, uh...
Do one of somethin'.
Great. Hit the showers.
Yo, Palmer.
You guys disgust me!
Hello, Pizzas-Are-Us?
Yes, do you have
volume discounts?
Oops. Nope.
No points, no points.
Oh, come on.
I told you. You get one
point for a direct hit.
You get two points
if you draw blood.
You just grazed him.
It doesn't count.
All right.
Ok, watch this. The pro.
All right. What is this?
Bowling for dullards?
You guys pickin' on
the Blimp again? Nice.
Oh, no, coach, we're
not pickin' on him.
We just want him to feel wanted.
Right, Blimp?
Oh, sure, yeah.
This is the very reason
why God created fat,
neurotic adolescents.
Right, coach?
Aah!
Two points.
I apologize, sir,
but contemporary
psychologists agree
that this type of eye-hand
coordination exercise,
it's very...
Hamilton!
Staple it shut, huh?
All right, you guys.
Gather around.
A word to you party animals
about the misspent
mixer coming up...
No drinking.
- No necking.
- Aw!
No mooning.
No fun.
No kidding.
All right, guys.
A few last-minute tips.
When you meet a girl,
compliment her.
And nothin' obvious like,
"Wow, nice dress."
Say something different.
When you say
somethin' different,
they think you mean it.
Also, use her name a lot.
Girls really get off on that.
With a line like...
"Gee, Muffy, I really
like your panty-hose,"
that'll work out great, right?
You get that far,
you don't need a line.
You should start looking
for signs of arousal.
What signs?
Ripping off their panties.
Yeah, there's a hint.
Also, nipples.
They're a dead giveaway.
They're kind of like
the plastic tab
on a Perdue chicken.
Pop up to let you know
when they're ready.
Ha ha ha.
Coach, they've got medicine
for that, you know.
What?
Well, whatever it is you're
trying to kill down there.
All right. All right, guys.
In a few minutes,
you're gonna line up
to meet your hostess
of the evening.
Be polite. Be gentlemen.
No pushing, no shoving.
Take the girl
that they assign to you
no matter what she looks like.
Remember, dogs
have feelings, too.
All right.
Now, let's go, huh?
Let's go!
I hate these things.
Why do I even
come to these things?
The whole thing makes me
stinkin' nauseous.
All right.
How do I look?
Aah!
I'm out of position.
Wonderful. Great.
Every time.
Oh, wow.
Hi. I'm Palmer Woodrow.
How's tricks?
How's tricks?
What happened back there?
I believe that I was...
Let's talk bottom line.
I'm in love with you.
No, actually, you're not.
You just think you are.
It comes from living
in an all-male dorm.
Oh? You lived in one?
Well, yeah, I used
to work for the CIA,
but... What?
Rand.
Wow. What is it?
I was complimenting my date.
Uh-huh.
I said, "Hey,
what a great mole."
Oh, Blimp, you didn't.
And she got pissed.
What do you expect?
Well, now what do I do?
Well, I don't know.
Don't-look,
don't ask me.
Go ask coach, all right?
- Go on.
- All right.
No, thanks.
Ooh, my little pretty one,
my pretty one
When you gonna give me
some time, sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Got me comin' off
of the line, sharona
Runnin' down the length
of my thigh, sharona
It's a little bit on
the Hawaiian Punch side.
So, you're Tracy Hoover?
Are you related
to the school or something?
Or something.
My great-grandfather founded it.
Yeah? That's too bad he didn't
found it someplace warmer.
Well, I guess
he wasn't thinking.
Well, that's ok. It happens
to me sometimes, too, you know.
You're gonna think I'm crazy.
No, never.
Wait, you haven't heard it yet.
It's like this. I mean,
the first moment I saw you,
I mean, it was wow!
I was nailed.
Gone. Dead.
I didn't even know you,
and you're breakin' my heart.
I'm flattered, I think.
Well, you should be,
'cause I've only felt
that way about Pia Zadora.
Excuse me.
I believe there was
some sort of confusion
on the line, Woodrow.
You see, Daphne here
was to be your escort,
and Tracy was to be mine.
Believe me,
there was no confusion.
Everything is copacetic.
Let's dance.
Just don't look at me.
Ooh, my little pretty one,
my pretty one
When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Got me comin'
off of the line, Sharona
So, what's the story
with you and Bif?
We date. Why?
Oh, yeah?
Do you enjoy dating boring guys?
Where did they get
these morticians from?
Hey, you guys know anything
from the 20th century?
All right.
Break time!
1, 2...
1, 2, 3!
That's right.
He's my best friend.
He learned it
from me. Uh-huh.
Come on, Tracy, what do you say?
Why don't we get out of here?
I've got a little cold pheasant,
some Champagne in the car.
No, no. Not now.
I said there's something
I was bound to do
Look at him. He's really
terrific, isn't he?
Tracy, I just bought
the new Neil Diamond tape.
Ooh, you got me, yeah
Ooh, I'm yours
Ooh, you can't stop me, girl
You're so sexy,
you're really cool
This man is gonna
wrinkle his clothes.
All right, Palmer!
What are you guys doin'?
I can't see!
Come on! Come back!
I can't see anything.
Look, will you just give me 'em?
Oops. Oh, come on,
Rand. Dunk for 'em.
Come on.
Look...
Ha ha ha!
You geeks dunk for them.
Oh, buzz off, Palmer.
Or do you want to dunk for 'em?
Sure.
Oh, right.
Captain Flashdance.
Dum, dum, dum, to the rescue
Dum, dum, dum, dum
You have had it, buddy!
Get him!
Get him!
Hey, you know,
no one's ever really
stuck up for me
like that before.
Thanks.
Was that part of
the preppy credo, too?
Come on.
God...
That Palmer is such an ass.
When you attend a function,
like that dance last night,
you don't just
represent yourself,
you represent Hoover Academy,
which made your actions
even that much more offensive.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
You're all dismissed,
except for you, Mr. Woodrow.
Well, it hasn't taken you long
to become a disruptive
element around here, has it,
Mr. Woodrow?
Well, I'm a fast worker.
Do you get cable here?
'Cause look. Whoa.
A lot of snow here.
I mean, it must be the antenna.
You're testing me,
right? Huh?
Want to find out how
far your boundaries go?
And how far
you can push. You see?
Yeah, I know about those things.
So, let me give you an answer.
You can't push too far,
so straighten up,
because right now
your toe's on the line
with old Darby Harriman
here. Out.
Look, if you
impress Tracy enough
to be invited
to the Hoover Ball,
you better learn from the master
how to behave.
That's great. Now watch.
You have to walk the right way
in a dinner jacket, all right?
Yeah, that's it.
That's good.
That's good, too, Blimp.
All right.
Oh, that's great.
You see how he did it?
I mean, you don't just,
like, stick it in your face,
light it, and suck.
You gotta have style with it.
Yeah, like that.
That's good.
May I help you, sir?
Chivas and soda, please.
You look like a Chivas man.
Nothing for me.
I don't indulge.
Well, Mr. Woodrow,
I've read about your father.
He's somewhat of an
industrial mystery man,
isn't he?
Well, he is to me, sir.
Say, did you tie this thing?
Wow! You did!
That's a bitch.
You ought to invest
in one of these.
It's only a few dollars,
but it's well worth it, sir.
Proves my point.
Money can't buy breeding.
I'd say you can't
rent it, either.
Excuse me, madam.
Wonderful gathering.
Wonderful gathering.
Hi.
Hi.
Your father talks great.
Is he a foreigner?
Uh, no.
Close, though.
He did go to Harvard.
Great ducks.
You like them?
Those are the famous
Peabody ducks.
They live upstairs on the roof,
and every morning,
they come down
to play in the fountain.
Hey, yo, duck.
Are you preppy or regular?
Quack! God,
these things are so cute.
Oh, they're even cuter
with a Bing cherry sauce.
What's wrong, Woodrow?
The bowling leagues
didn't meet tonight?
Bif. Palmer, we're going
up to the ballroom now, ok?
Mother.
Go ahead on up.
I'll be right up.
Could you please take this?
Hey!
Hey. If it makes you
feel any better,
you're not the first
person to do that.
Well, it doesn't.
Why don't you go up
with your friends?
Why?
Because I'm not going
upstairs like this
and be the party dork.
Ah. Well, it is gonna
be pretty boring.
I really don't feel
like going up myself.
It is a shame to waste
all these nice clothes.
Come on. Why don't we do
something really elegant?
Yeah.
I love this kind of food,
'cause you never
have to clean up.
I don't have to clean up.
What does yours say?
"Oh, a-boy,
a-you are going
to a-score tonight."
Mine says,
"Oh, a-boy,
is this guy you're with
a dreamer or what?"
What.
You know, you don't seem
like a Palmer Woodrow.
What does that mean?
You know.
Palmer Woodrow.
It's just too stuffy for words.
You're not like that.
You're...
Human?
Yeah.
Well, Palmer Woodrow
is my nickname.
Eddie is my real name.
Eddie?
Well, actually, um,
Eddie's my middle name.
Palmer "Eddie" Woodrow?
I think I'll call you Palmer.
Besides, I don't
think my parents
would let me date an Eddie.
Would they let you kiss one?
Mr. Woodrow.
I think we've seen quite
enough of you tonight.
Well, you know how I hate
to talk about
a fellow student, sir,
but, uh, it's Palmer Woodrow.
Get to the point, Hamilton.
He's just not our kind.
And it pains me
to see the Hoover image
stained like this.
Stained?
Stained.
Besmirched.
Especially when Hoover's
in such need of contributions.
Why, when I told my father
what happened last night,
he said he didn't know
if he could support a school
that would tolerate
a Palmer Woodrow.
All right, Hamilton,
what did happen last night?
Well, gosh, sir,
I hate to, uh...
Hamilton!
Woodrow got
very drunk last night
at the, uh, Hoover Charity Ball.
He humiliated the students
and the Hoovers.
Believe me, sir, all the Hoovers
want to see him out.
Come on!
Get out of there!
Would you-move over to the...
Stupid game.
McCrowsky, get over here!
Right there!
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Get back to the bench!
Come on, we've got it!
Attention! Attention!
You guys suck!
Hoover! Hoover! Hoover!
What the hell is Woodrow doing?
Diversionary tactic, sir?
Hey!
He's crazy.
He's cute, though.
Yeah.
He's real cute.
She's got her eye on Palmer.
Look at that ass Woodrow.
Get-what are you
doing with that?
All right, get in there.
And try not to fall down again.
Aah!
Yo!
Let's show him some fancy
stick work, huh?
Wise up, asshole.
Isn't this a terrific surprise?
Muffy drove all the way
from Mount Hollyhock.
Shame she missed Palmer, huh?
So, uh, we'll entertain her.
What do you say, buddy?
Poor baby.
God, you have terrible posture.
I'm always telling Palmer
to stand up straight.
You take it easy, buddy.
See you later?
Look...
I want to explain
about that girl.
Ha. There's
no explanation needed.
I just didn't think
she was your type.
She's not.
You are.
Look, I-I want to
go out with you tonight.
Well, I'm busy.
Come on, let's go.
Forever?
Tracy.
Tracy, come on!
Tracy!
Everybody out here!
It's fire drill!
Fire drill time!
Let's make it quiet.
Let's make it quick.
All right?
Go!
Code blue.
Come on.
17 minutes and 11 seconds
for a fire drill?
I am disappointed.
Move over.
Have you seen Palmer anywhere?
Uh-uh.
Oh, God. Rand.
Hello?
Hi, Tracy.
Shit.
I don't have anything
to say to you, ok?
Tracy. Palmer.
Tracy.
Tracy, come here.
If people have enough money,
they ought to be taught
how to spend it properly.
Tracy, would you kindly
inform Palmer Woodrow
that you understood
his admiration
after the first six dozen roses?
Anything more
is wretched excess.
Oh, Palmer.
When you told me
how much you loved riding,
I couldn't remember
whether you said
you preferred a hunter-jumper,
a Tennessee Walker,
or just a good
old-fashioned trail horse.
It doesn't matter.
We're going to have time
to do everything.
- Regis.
- Yes.
Mr. Woodrow here
is an expert rider.
Why don't you
mm-hmm. Saddle up
Chained Lightning for him, ok?
You're going to love this horse.
He's great.
I'll meet you outside, ok?
I'll saddle the motherfucker,
but I sure hope you got
life insurance.
Um...
Whoa, whoa, lightning.
It's me, Regis.
I ain't going to play
with you now.
You got anything old and slow
in maybe a white, a light brown?
You don't know a damn thing
about horses, do you?
Well, that's not true.
That, uh, thing...
That big thing that
she was on out there,
that's a horse, right?
That ain't no horse.
This is a horse.
Heh heh heh heh!
You know, acting crazy ain't
going to help you none.
Yeah, but if I break my leg,
I'm not going
to have to ride him.
Chained Lightning's going
to break more than that.
I'm going to go
warm up Buttercup.
Easy.
What are these for?
You steer with them.
But most important,
pull hard to stop...
Real hard.
How do you make it move?
All you got to say
is G... O.
Just say go?
Aah!
This is how you take a boot off.
Turn around.
No, no.
Face the other way.
Come on.
Trust me.
Now you... You pull,
I'll push.
Ready?
Yeah?
Ok. Yeah.
Now, I don't want
to put your horse...
Put your horse down or anything,
but it's got no heart.
See, it just saw
that flock of cobras,
and, I don't know,
it just jumped up,
reared, and just threw me.
Oops.
Cobras, my ass.
Regis...
Why did you bring three glasses?
Well, I thought
he might want some.
Regis...
Haven't you got something to do?
I'm doing it.
Look...
You don't have
to pretend for me.
What?
I know all about you
and your family.
What... What do you mean?
My father told me.
The sense of tradition
and social belonging
and feeling comfortable
with your wealth...
It all comes in time.
You don't have
to feel embarrassed,
and you don't have
to try to impress me
just because you come
from new money.
You see,
what's important is that
you are what you are.
You're genuine.
That's what I like about you.
Yeah, me, too.
Ha ha ha ha!
Regis.
I'm going, I'm going.
Uh, holler if you want any more.
Morning, afternoon,
and night
We lay together side by side
Searchin' for lust
Searchin' for breath
Searchin'
for the touch of life
No words are spoken
The only sound we hear is
Body talk
The heat of passion
Is such a beautiful thing
As it overflows
Pleasure grows
All the dreams it can bring
Mmm, you're using your eyes
And gentle sighs
With body talk
Body talk
Clean and calm,
so soft and pure
A touching moment
Inner feelings,
once explored
But have noted
We were two souls torn apart
With bitter pages
Through expression,
not aggression
We have become
One
Body talk
Men...
For the past five years,
Hoover Academy
has averaged the lowest
S.A.T. scores
in the English-speaking world.
Yay, Hoover.
Well, that ends today.
I'm going to give you guys
a few cardinal rules to follow.
First of all...
It is almost never
the letter "E."
Good luck.
Yeah, wait up.
Flex it
Flex it tonight
Dice Man.
Hi, Eddie.
Nicky, what are you doing here?
Eddie, what?
No Christmas card?
No Valentine candy?
I'm a very delicate human being.
Yeah, I was gonna...
I was gonna call you, you know?
You've caused me
a great deal of hurt,
not to mention
causing Nicky
a great deal of pain.
Yeah, well, I was going
to come and see you.
I mean, there was...
I don't doubt it.
I don't doubt it.
Shut your mouth
when I talk to you.
Get over here.
We've got a problem.
You see, you owe me
$10,625.
3,700.
Interest.
Are you prepared
at this point in time
to make full restitution?
When you say "At this point
in time," do you mean now?
Yeah.
No.
Eddie, not good.
Wrong answer.
You know, you look
like a fish when I do...
Look at him.
Look, like a Gup...
Hey, you punks
can be hamburger meat
in 60 seconds.
Cop a walk.
The beauty of it is,
they think I'm kidding.
Heh heh heh! I crack
myself up, you know that?
Listen, Eddie, Eddie,
I understand you're being
paid a considerable sum
to attend Hoover Academy.
No. I get the money
when I graduate.
The interest alone
will bury you,
but I'll tell you what...
You're enterprising.
Find a way.
You got 72 hours.
Ok, nine.
Nine's the point.
The point is nine.
Earn while you learn, boys.
Earn while you learn.
Give it a little touch
here. Yeah.
Lights out.
Lights out.
Aw...
Seven.
That's a loser.
I thought seven was a winner.
Only on the come out one.
Ok? Only on
the come out one.
But a seven is very close.
It's very close.
You're getting
the hang of this game.
Come on, Sidney, give it a try.
Try it.
Come on, Sidney, let's go.
Come on.
You can do it.
I'm here to help you.
You baby.
Coach?
I want to settle
yesterday's bets.
You played the Lakers.
The Lakers are losing.
Come on, Sidney, let's go.
Let's give it a try here.
Come on. I'm right here.
I'm going to help you over.
All right, Woodrow,
what do I owe you?
110 bucks.
110 bucks?
Aah!
Somebody want to get
the first aid kit?
And a mop.
Let me say once again
that whatever grant
your foundation designates
for the Hoover Academy,
it'll be greatly appreciated
and immediately reflected
in improvements
that will impact student life.
We want to thank you
again for coming.
It's just a pleasure
to have you on the campus.
Take a look at our facility.
And by the way,
let me remind you
about the reception tonight.
Be sure to attend.
It'll give you a chance
to meet some of
the other faculty members,
as well as some of our
representative students.
Yeah.
Well, maybe
this Dice Man character
will take a check.
Oh, oh, Muffy
called you earlier.
You mean Palmer or Bif?
Palmer. She's pissed because
you've been avoiding her.
Said she'd be here this weekend
for a confrontation.
Heh heh.
What's the difference?
I'm going to be dead
by this weekend anyway.
La la la la la
La la la la la
Hey!
Bonjour, boys.
Palmer, what-what are you...
What the hell
are you doing here? Yeah.
I'm checking up
on my investment.
Do you mind?
Hey, who is reading this?
I mean, give me
a break, will ya?
Emily Post does not know
dick about etiquette.
I've been through
this whole book,
and there's not
one chapter on farting.
Hey! Hey!
Man, this is Pinpoint Oxford.
Well, aren't you
Mr. Hoity-toity?
I thought you were in Europe
or in a Turkish prison
or something.
Paris ain't all
it's cracked up to be
in the springtime, mon frere.
Besides, it's amazing
how suspicious
your parents can get
when you're using
their credit cards, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Rand, will you get
your skinny ass
off my fries, please?
Aw, look at that.
God.
Palmer...
You know,
you being here,
you may be able to solve
a few problems.
Yeah? Like what?
Like Muffy, who has
been looking for you
all year long.
And what else?
Who's this guy,
the auto shop teacher?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, the 72 hours isn't up yet.
Auto shop teacher?
Heh.
How amusing.
Heh heh heh.
Get over here.
Wait, you can't... Aah!
What's this,
Gumby Goes to School?
Get over here.
If you don't kill me,
I'll buy you a new gold chain.
Save your money for a pine box.
Get in here.
Eddie.
I don't have the money
that you want,
so you're wasting your time
and your very fine wardrobe.
You know, Eddie,
it greatly disturbs me
that being in my presence
makes you want to shit
in your pants.
This is a celebration.
I have made
a momontous decision.
After consultating with Nicky,
I find the only way
I have to collect my money
is if you graduate,
am I correct?
Yes.
Fine.
Now, because I love you
like a brother...
And I mean that, Eddie.
It comes from the heart.
I mean it...
The left aorta,
the vein that pumps love.
I'm gonna cut you a deal.
You're to collect $10,000
when you graduate.
Keep 50 bucks for yourself,
and I get the rest.
50 bucks?
Now, you're not being released
totally on your own
recognizance.
I mean, you've been known
to screw up in the past.
For this very reason,
Nicky and myself will remain
to make sure
you do not so choose
to do so again.
Um, I-I don't think
that this is
a very good decision.
I, however,
think it's a brilliant idea...
Brilliant.
Is there now
a full understanding
between all parties
concerned, Eddie?
Uh, if that means you and me,
yes.
Good.
Let us now commence...
Celebrating.
Yo, we ran out of chicks.
Hey, Dice, Dice.
You know, if I get kicked out,
you're not going to get
any of your money.
What, you can't have
a little fun?
I'm going to entertain
your friends.
What are you
worried about? Here.
Don't worry about it.
Everybody out, ok?
Just-just-just go, ok?
Ooh.
Help! Ah ha!
Ah ha! Ah ha!
Palmer, help!
This is the end
Mommy!
You make your choice,
and now the chance is over
I thought I was in
You put me down
and see I'm goin' nowhere
Would you lay off the skull?
I-I-I work a long time
on my head,
and you rattle my brains.
It... I get confused,
you know what I mean?
It's good stuff.
Ha ha.
This must be the building.
Hear the music?
It must be upstairs.
My, it's awfully loud, isn't it?
Well, Mr. Harriman said
there'll be some students here.
I guess that's why.
You know, I have
very good feelings
about this school.
And I'm usually right
about these things.
You should be paying me
to go here, man.
You're a jerk.
This is a school.
I know. Is this some fabulous
educational system?
Huh? Huh?
Party's over!
Fire!
Good God, this
could be flammable!
There's a fire!
Pbbt.
Oh!
You two stay here.
This could be dangerous.
You disappoint me, Woodrow.
You really disappoint me.
Your academic achievement
showed such promise,
and now this.
You cost this school
a much needed grant
because you're cavorting
all over the Hoover campus
with some-who knows
what kind of trash.
I don't understand you.
I mean, you come from a good f...
Well, a rich family.
Level with me, Woodrow,
will you?
You're not some kind of
a mental case, are you?
Because I don't
need that right now.
I really don't.
Starting today,
you are on probation.
And if you want to
continue your education
at the Hoover Academy,
I suggest you get your
father here immediately.
Um...
Well, my father, he's-
he's in Europe on business.
That's your problem.
Get him here.
Well, forget it, man. You'll
never get my father here.
You're talking about
blowing the whole thing.
I never quite got the hang
of this game, did you?
Look, look...
If I don't produce a father,
the whole thing's
gonna blow lunch.
Don't get testy with me.
I'm doing my share.
I'm taking care of Muffy,
and I'm supplying the capital.
Well, make sure you do
take care of Muffy.
I mean, she could blow
this whole thing for us.
Look, will you guys
not sweat it, please?
Tact is my middle name.
How could I let us
drift apart like that?
How could I forget
how much I want you?
I must have you...
Now!
Eee! Aah!
That was fabulous.
Oh, jeez, I got a Red Sox
game I got to see.
Look, it was great for me.
I hope it was fabulous for you.
Ahh.
Alphonse. Alphonse.
Alphonse. Hey, hey,
I'm through, ok?
Knock it off, will you?
Here's for your trouble.
Better be getting back
to the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, I never
want to see you again.
Send in Mr. Woodrow
and his father.
Mr. Woodrow.
Well, I wish we were meeting
under different circumstances.
I appreciate your coming.
Well, one must always make time
for one's children.
Right. Yeah.
Of course.
Ahem.
Oh. Thank you.
Uh...
Now, I'm sure
that you can appreciate
that education is my life.
I mean, my love.
Now, I'm convinced
that there's no such thing
as a bad boy.
Believe me, those convictions
have been tested
by your son.
I know Palmer is not perfect.
He's no Chateau
Lafitte-Rothschild '56,
but he ain't... He isn't
Beaujolais '76, either,
which, as we all know,
showed great promise,
but failed to develop.
Palmer will develop...
Robustly.
That's an interesting analogy.
It's not one that
I would've thought of,
but probably quite accurate.
But don't think that
I fail to appreciate
what you're doing...
The service that Hoover Prep
renders these boys.
In fact,
I was contemplating
some way of expressing
my appreciation.
Uh, perhaps...
You could help me.
Yes.
Yeah. As a matter
of fact,
absolutely.
Well, you know, the old library
has served us well
for years, but now...
I've always wondered
what that building was.
Well, tradition has its place,
but a better library
means better students.
The Woodrow Memorial Library.
Uh, dad, don't you have
a plane to catch?
Back to Mars.
Functional, I suppose,
but hardly contemporary.
The James Beard Gymnasium.
You don't mind if I call it
after one of my personal heroes?
The dormitories-
I must see those.
A pleasant ambiance
is essential.
Well, Mr. Woodrow,
I feel much better about Palmer...
Much better.
In fact, I see no reason why
he should remain on probation.
Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
No favoritism.
If Palmer is on probation,
then he must earn his way off.
What?
That's a refreshing sentiment.
Oh...
Thank you.
No. There mustn't be
any preferential treatment.
That doesn't build
character in a man.
Isn't that what Hoover
is all about?
I can't believe
you said that, Nicky.
How could you say
something like that?
I thought I did well.
Well, Nicky?
You went psycho on me.
The Woodrow Memorial Library?
He's probably going
to hold up my diploma
until the new dorm's built.
Let him earn his way
off probation?
Thanks, Nick.
I was merely echoing
my father's belief
that you spare the rod
and spoil the child.
Yeah, well, it's too bad
he didn't believe
in birth control.
Listen, when you went in there,
they was ready to kick you out.
Now they're ready
to kiss your ass.
So, you graduate.
Then I take away
my donation money, ok?
So now you're a hero.
Hey? Huh?
Among the modern society dances,
the waltz is the most important.
The origins
of many of the dances
are rather obscure.
I'm back
And I'm better than ever, baby.
Took care of Muffy,
gave her the old
hot beef injection,
and left her begging for more.
Hey, who's this, Friar Tuck?
Nice build, kid.
Uh, Blimp, I'd like you
to meet Eddie,
Palmer's retarded cousin.
Palmer? Palmer?
Where is the old sot?
Sot?
He's eating dinner
with his father.
And how is old daddykins?
I guess daddykins is fine,
because Palmer hasn't
been back to pack.
No?
Well, then,
let's celebrate.
For you, little John,
a muttonchop
and a gift of bacchus
with which to wash it down.
It's all right.
He's schizo.
Thinks he's Errol Flynn
once in a while.
Come, you must join
my merry band,
and then you, too,
may laugh like this...
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A manly laugh for
manly men such as we.
Aah!
Mr. Hoover.
Hi.
Can I help you with something?
I was looking for young Woodrow.
I have a little something here
for him and his father.
He's out, but his cousin
the retard's here.
Weren't you the host
on Creature Features?
I'm sorry I missed him.
There's so much to talk about
since his exciting meeting
with Headmaster Harriman.
Would you see that he gets this?
Oh, sure.
With my regards.
Hey, Boris, suck a few
necks for me tonight,
huh, buddy?
After you.
Ooh!
Ha ha ha!
Big comedy.
Hey.
Jeez, don't you think you're
taking this fitting-in bit
a little too far?
I know you won't
take this personally,
but you look like a real asshole
in that outfit.
Sounds to me like you guys
are a little jealous.
Maybe I'm better at this
than you are.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least
I took care of Muffy
without promising to build
her a fucking library.
Are you going to be here long?
Because I think
you're going to make things
very untidy.
What are you talking about?
We're at the finish line, man.
Besides, I'm lovable,
I'm affable,
and I pay for half of this room.
Where are you going?
I thought we were going
to go to a movie.
Do I look like I'm dressed
for the movies?
Yeah, but you said...
Randall...
Please, don't whine
and don't cramp my style.
Hey, he's getting real
good at this, you know?
I mean, he's turning
into a real scumbag.
The fox certainly is
an elusive animal.
Palmer!
Hey, Palmer!
Hey, chump!
Good ride, Palmer.
You know, I shouldn't be
at all surprised
if we're looking
at this year's winner
of the Hoover Award.
Right. See you up
at the house for cocktails.
All right?
Yes, sir.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.
What do you want?
Now, that ain't no way to talk
to your old buddy Regis.
I have to mingle,
be social.
How would you like it
if I bring Chained Lightning
by to mangle you?
Hey, look, what is
your problem here?
I mean,
you're not really starting
to get into this, are you?
Is that wrong?
It's how you live.
No, no. You're
missing the point.
Hello, ladies.
That's how my family has lived
for a very long time.
This is not how I think.
Oh, you think I've changed.
Well, I haven't. I'm still
the same lovable guy.
Yeah.
Well, I don't think
the same lovable guy
would let daddy buy him
the Hoover Award.
What does that crack mean?
Aw, shit! Ohh!
Good guess.
Bif!
Bif.
Uh...
I forgot to tell you.
Bif is my middle name.
Bif is your middle name.
Hey, Muffy, great to see you,
but, hey, sorry,
it's bad timing.
We're really on the run
here with finals.
Tracy.
How you doing?
Fine.
Is that for me?
No.
It's a peace offering
for Palmer.
Oh. Well, if you want
to catch him,
you'd better hurry.
He just ran off with
a Muffy something or other.
If you really
want to be with me,
sneak into the dorm tonight.
The dorm?
Why not?
Gosh, Tracy, he sure
sees a lot of her, too.
You know, I just don't know
how he can keep track
of who he's dating.
Yeah.
Look, here.
Heh heh.
Ok, Bif,
you better be worth it.
Where's Bif Hamilton?
Back off, buster.
Mmm.
Bif?
Bif.
Sir...
I think that you know
how much this hurts me...
How much it hurts me
to squeal on a fellow student...
But it's Bif, sir.
He has a girl in his room.
Damn.
We'll see
what Palmer thinks of this.
Skip?
Where the hell is Bugs?
Well, you must've
done something.
I mean, Tracy's
not just pissed at you
for the sake of being pissed.
Any of you gentlemen seen Palm...
There you are.
Ha ha!
You rascal. I've been
hunting all over for you.
Uh, how do you think
your finals are going?
Good, I hope, because
it'd be embarrassing
if you didn't win
that Hoover Memorial
Award this year.
I mean, after your father
and his business manager
set up that wonderful
fund for us.
What?
He didn't tell you
about it, huh?
Oh, it's really quite simple.
You see, for every dollar raised
and put into the fund
by the Academy,
he matches it with a dollar.
And, of course, that...
That wonderful business
manager of his...
What's his name?
Diceman?
Uh, he's going to administer
the fund for us.
Oh, that's-that's great.
Yeah.
You...
Do I know you?
Exchange student...
From Slobovia.
Oh, yeah, I think I remember
hearing about that.
Well, I got to get down
to the gym.
Wordman and I are playing
a little one-on-one basketball.
I'm quite good, really.
I can't believe it.
Look, we're going to
have to tell the school
everything, all right?
Everything.
No way.
The Dice Man's going to say
that we're part of the scam.
Phony student, phony father...
Real jail.
Don't look at me.
I did my part.
I took care of Muffy.
Muffy took care of Bif.
I did my part.
Just give me my diploma.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm through.
I'm finished, all right?
You have been treating me
like dog shit, Mr. Bmoc,
and you haven't been
very nice, either,
you know, Palmer?
I'm rich. I don't
have to be nice.
Don't sound so depressing.
Ok?
It's depressing.
Eddie?
What are you doing?
I can't sleep.
I'm gonna see Tracy.
Ohh.
Ohh!
What, what?
Is there a party?
What? I'll go.
Come on, come on.
Can I have a refill
on this, please?
Takin' the brakes off
Yeah
Takin' the brakes off
Hey, wait!
Are you nuts?
Are you crazy?
You're stealing Bif's car!
So what?
Is this just
a harmless campus hijink?
I mean, I'm in
no personal danger, am I?
Look, Eddie, you could
be expelled for this.
I'm scared!
We're going to crash!
We're going to die!
I'm scared!
I don't want to die!
It hurts to die!
I'm scared!
We're going to crash!
Will you shut up?
Oh, my God,
we're going to crash!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
There. There.
I arranged a crash for you.
Ok? So there's nothing
more to be afraid of.
My God, it was zero G's
there for a minute.
Lead all the rats tomorrow
Oh, my God!
Now the Hoovers are going
to kill us, too.
Takin' the brakes off
My parents-my parents
are going to kill me!
My little sister,
she's going to kill me!
Seven years of prep school
down the tubes.
God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Ngh!
You're unstable, aren't you?
Let's get out of here.
Please take me back.
You're crazy.
I don't want to be here.
I don't like it here.
Then leave.
I'm gonna see Tracy.
It's 3:00
in the morning.
What is she, a fucking vampire?
You think she'll talk to you
because you throw a rock
through her window?
Well, she isn't
going to talk to me
after Dice and Nicky
swindle the school.
You want to wake her up?
I'll wake her up.
Ngh!
No, no! Shh, shh!
Hey, honey,
yo!
What are you doing?
Aah!
Hey, what are you doing here?
I live here, remember?
I couldn't sleep, so I decided
to take a walk around my house.
Well, that is terrific,
because I couldn't
sleep, either.
Listen, I've been
calling you all day.
We have to talk.
No.
If I would've wanted
to talk to you,
I would've.
Now, would you please go away?
No. Listen,
listen, listen.
I stole a car.
I-I skipped off campus.
I drove across your lawn.
I mean, that's worth five minutes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You wouldn't mind
if I went in the house,
made myself a sandwich,
got a little coffee, would ya?
I didn't think
you would. Thank you.
Come on.
Well, I guess I'll just
stay and watch the car.
I'm just asking
you to hear me out.
So you're going to sit here,
and you're going
to listen to me.
There is nothing you can say.
Look, I saw you with
Muffy again the other day.
Oh, come on, that's Muffy.
I can explain that.
No.
It's not that.
It's you.
What you are and
what I thought you were
are two completely
different things.
I guess it's my fault.
I've been looking for something
that wasn't even there.
You think that
this has changed me,
right?
Yes.
Well, you're wrong.
I don't even know you anymore.
God, that makes me so sad.
Tracy.
Tracy, don't go.
Uhh.
How'd it go?
Ah.
Uhh.
Great BLT.
I think the mayonnaise
is a little funny.
I hallucinated I saw that guy
who looked like Boris Karloff
in there again.
Shit!
Mmm.
Boy, I tell you,
that sexual tension
is murder, man.
It'll scar you for life.
What, are we walking back?
We're walking back?
Can't you steal another car?
Mr. Harriman,
I swear to you,
I don't know how it got there.
I parked it in the lot,
I went up to my room,
and I studied diligently
all night.
Don't make me puke, Hamilton.
All I know is, it's your car,
it was the Hoovers' yard,
and you're expelled.
But, sir, I...
You're expelled.
Get out of here.
Moi?
Expelled?
Aw, but...
I had plans.
I can't go to summer school.
I don't know anybody
who goes to summer school.
All right.
Take a hike, Gumby.
Hey, nice dress.
If I knew they turned you
into a freak of nature,
I would've made you a dicette.
Had I known about your scam...
You would've done exactly
what you're doing now...
Cooperating.
I didn't want anything
to do with this, Eddie.
But he did not want to
jeopardize our friendship.
Look...
We'll all prosper.
What do you care about
these people, anyway?
If they knew who you were,
you couldn't kiss their ass.
He's right, Eddie.
He's right.
I'm always right.
I'm ingeniousal.
Whew.
Kid's got an attitude.
Yeah, he's got an attitude.
Shut up.
Do you have any drugs?
Mr. Woodrow.
Uh...
Ha ha ha!
Mr. Woodrow. Mr. Woodrow,
I'm delighted to see you.
Why don't you come this way
to the auditorium
where we can talk?
Excuse me. Are you
the gentleman they call Dice?
No, I'm the tooth fairy.
Yeah, I'm Dice.
Who are you?
I drive for
the real Mr. Woodrow.
Ahem.
Yeah? What's that
supposed to mean to me?
Mr. Woodrow can explain.
Unless you'd prefer
to have the authorities
do the explaining.
That's all right.
When I have my diploma, mon ami.
Well, it's hard for me
to believe...
Another school year past,
another Hoover class
graduating...
Pretty outrageous
disguise, eh, guys?
Sort of rive gauche,
don't you think, huh?
If Muffy recognizes me,
I'm dead meat.
Preparation...
Preparation to deal with
those less fortunate
than ourselves,
that great mass of people.
Your dirty little scam
ends today,
and I will personally
take care of
that wacko hot dog salesman
impersonating me
and that punk
impersonating my son.
'Cause as I see it,
you're the little fish
in this scam.
They're the brains.
Oh, yes, sir.
As a matter of fact,
they had me sucked
into this whole thing
before I even knew
what was going on.
I mean, I'm a song-
and-dance man by trade.
This tomfoolery
doesn't hold water with me.
Randall Weatherby.
Palmer E. Woodrow.
Hobart Yarborough.
And last but not least,
Edmund Zucchini.
Excuse me. Zuchini.
I speak for all of us here
when I say we're darn proud.
Ha ha. Darn proud.
You've had a Hoover education,
and a Hoover education
is an expensive education,
and that's worth something.
Now it gives us great pleasure
to introduce
Mr. Thorndike Hoover
to present this year's
annual Hoover Memorial Award.
Thorndike.
Thank you.
Well, this certainly is
an exciting moment, isn't it?
I want to save my family
further embarrassment.
To do that, you disappear.
We understand each other?
Oh, yes, sir.
If you interfere,
things could become unpleasant.
Here's your ticket.
You take your song-and-
dance act on the road.
You like Al Pacino?
Watch this.
I'm dyin' over here.
I can't take it.
Everybody's comin' down at me.
Oh, he doesn't like Pacino.
How was I to know
he didn't like Pacino?
Have a nice flight, jerk-off.
Ha ha ha.
But enough of
my World War II experiences.
It-it's time for this most
important announcement.
It gives me great pleasure
to announce
this year's recipient
of the Hoover Memorial Award.
Mr. Palmer Woodrow.
I'd like to, uh,
thank Mr. Hoover
and, uh, the Board of Trustees
and, uh...
Uh, the entire faculty here
at Hoover Academy.
Uh, this award
means a lot to me.
Um, more than I think
any of you can imagine,
because for the first time
in my life,
I did something
that a lot of people,
including myself,
didn't think I could do.
And, uh,
that makes me very proud.
Thank you.
I just got one more thing.
Um...
We're gonna see what
kind of sense of humor
you guys have.
You know how when
I said before how, uh...
Proud I was, you know,
'cause for the first time
in my life
I didn't screw up?
Well, that's not-
that's not the whole truth.
See, I did screw up.
He didn't say anything to me.
Um, I forgot who I was.
And when I did that,
I hurt the most important
person in my life.
It was the one person
who could have said, uh...
"Hey, you know,
"I don't care if you're,
uh, Palmer Woodrow
or Eddie Keaton."
Because, uh...
Um...
Here's the joke. Ha.
That's who I am.
I'm, uh, I'm Eddie Keaton
from Jersey.
I was, uh, I was hired
to play Palmer Woodrow.
I did a good job, too.
I did. Uh... I got
a cashier's check, uh...
A red Porsche.
I'm the kind of guy that,
uh, most of you people
wouldn't let into your house.
And, uh...
And this guy, here,
the one who's gonna give
all the money to the school,
he's, uh, he's a hot dog vendor
in my neighborhood.
What?
And his business manager,
he's my bookie.
No!
Oh, no!
Well...
I don't know about all you,
but, uh, I feel great. Ha.
So if you still want
to give out these awards,
I think maybe
you should give one
to the real Palmer Woodrow.
He's, uh, he's right here.
There in the fourth row.
I think you'll like him a lot.
An award? For little old me?
Swell. Talk about
making a guy
feel like part of the team.
This is-thanks, Eddie.
Remind me to send you
a Christmas bomb.
Thanks a lot for this.
Uh, it'll look great in my cell,
and we'll see you
next year at graduation.
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
How could you let a thing
like this happen?
I-I'm sorry, mother.
You're an idiot.
Yes, mother.
There they are.
There they are!
Aah! Aah!
Hey, look who I found.
My favorite woman
in the whole world.
You didn't have me
fooled for a minute.
Favorite woman?
She's a phony, snooty
gold digger.
I know.
Isn't she great?
We can talk to each other.
Aah ooh! Let go of me!
I'll kill 'em!
I'll kill 'em.
I'll kill 'em.
I'll kill 'em.
I'll k...
I just don't know
which one to kill first.
Tactical faux pas,
you blithering idiot.
This diploma
unlocks my trust fund,
and I can be very
generous if I want to.
I'm that kind of a guy.
I'll kill 'em!
I'll kill 'em!
Take him away.
This is the most
embarrassing day
in Hoover history.
Well, it's certainly
embarrassing for me.
Imagine some impostor.
Money?
This is what it's all about?
Well, I'll just
endorse this check
over to Hoover Academy.
Anyone have a pen?
Yeah.
Hey!
Oh.
Ha ha.
What?
Am I a total idiot?
I earned this money.
And I am going to enjoy it.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! I'll kill 'im!
Well, don't look at me.
I'm going to rio.
Call you when I get back.
Come on, Rand.
This guy's my best friend.
I'm his only friend.
Come on, Muff.
Come on, Tracy. Tracy!
Palmer? Wait!
No! Palmer!
Eddie!
Tracy!
Eddie, wait!
So, uh...
How's tricks?
Are you sure?
I mean, I'm not exactly, uh,
Mr. Alligator shirt,
you know.
Waking up
To the sound
That life is beating
To the drum
Heaven bound
There's no defeating
Straight ahead
Movin' up
So don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Shake it up
Take your stand
'Cause life could throw you
Oh, unexpected plans
Don't be surprised
Here's a word
To the wise, yeah
Oh, don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Your life's a dance
Gotta take a chance
Livin' on the edge
Ooh, yeah
Yes
Aah, yeah!
Don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Shake it up
Take your stand
'Cause life could throw you
Oh, unexpected plans
Don't be surprised
Here's a word
To the wise, yeah
Oh, don't mind me
If you think it's strange
Livin' on the edge
I'm next in line
Yeah, it's gonna change
Livin' on the edge
Your life's a dance
Gotta take a chance
Livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge
Oh, livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge
I like livin' on the edge
Livin' on the edge