Mame (1974) Movie Script

"I, Edward Dennis,
of 352 Lakeshore Drive,
"Chicago, Illinois,
"in case of my death,
do hereby bequeath
"all of my worldly possessions
"to my only child, Patrick.
"Should I die before the boy
reaches 18 years of age,
"I appoint my sister,
Mame Dennis,
"of 3 Beekman Place,
New York City,
"as Patrick's guardian.
"He is to be reared
as a Protestant...
I'm sorry.
"...and sent
to conservative schools.
"All cash and securities
are to be handled
"by the Knickerbocker
Trust Company.
"Mame will be the first
to see the wisdom of this.
"She is to submit monthly bills
for my son's food,
"lodging, clothing,
and education.
"The trust company will have
every right to question any item
"that seems unusual
or eccentric.
"Mame will know what I mean."
Saint Bridget
Deliver us to Beekman Place
Away from the wicked
And depraved
Your dear aunt is peeping
Through the curtain lace
Calling, "Come ye inside
Where you'll be saved"
For although Manhattan
May be warped and wild
There's safety
In Auntie Mame's embrace
So if you have pity
On this helpless child
God love you
Dear Saint Bridget
Deliver us to
Beekman Place
Is Miss Dennis
at home?
Come in, come in.
Come, come.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
The agency told me you are to be
here two hours ago. What happened?
Never mind.
Just follow me.
By the way, they didn't say
anything about a kid.
Just keep him away from the booze
and don't let him break anything.
In here.
Mame, what the
hell are we celebrating?
A holiday.
One I just invented.
The moon is full,
the gin's in the bathtub,
and all of my dearest
friends are here.
Even the ones
I haven't met yet.
Light the candles
Get the ice out
Roll the rug up
It's today
Though it may not be
Anyone's birthday
And though it's far
From the first of the year
I know that this very minute
Has history in it
We're here
It's a time for
Makin' merry
And so I'm for
Makin' hay
Tune the grand up
Dance your shoes off
Strike the band up
It's today
And we're livin'
And we're well, gang
So raise hell, gang
While we may
Call the cops out
Raise a racket
Pull the stops out
Pull out the stops
It's today
Light the candles
JFill the punch bowl
Throw confetti
It's today
Life can also be lived On a weekday
So don't depend
On a holiday date
If you need
New Year's to bubble
Then order a double and wait
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo
There's a thank you
You can give life
If you live life
All the way
Pour the Scotch out
Hold the roof down
Fellas watch out
It's today
If anyone here
is your Auntie Mame,
it's better you never know.
It's a time for
Makin' merry
And so I'm for
Makin' hay
Tune the grand up
Call the cops out
Strike the band up
Pull the stops out
It's today
May I slide down
the banister?
Well, why not?
My father never let me.
Well, now, that's too bad.
You must come
from a dreadful family.
I only have one relative
in the whole world.
Oh, really, dear?
And who is that?
That's right.
Who are you?
Agnes Gooch.
But that's impossible.
You're not coming
until tomorrow.
Your telegram clearly
said December 1st.
And this is
November 31st.
And everyone knows 30 days has
September, April, June and No...
Oh, my God.
I'm your Auntie Mame.
Listen, everyone.
Listen, everyone.
Everyone, listen to me,
please, shh!
listen to me, please.
This is my little boy.
My little boy.
What'd she say?
he isn't mine.
He's my brother's son from
Chicago, my poor late brother.
This little tyke,
in the whole wide world,
I'm his only living relative.
And he's my only
living relative.
That's all we have,
just each other, my little love.
What's your name again?
Patrick. Patrick Dennis.
Patrick, yes.
Would you like a martini?
How about
some caviar?
Oh, yes, darling,
you must be famished.
Patrick, I'd like you
to meet Fred Kates,
my wizard of Wall Street.
He's the only man I know
who invests with any real flair.
Oh, and I'd like you
to meet Ralph Divine.
Hello, young person.
The most controversial
headmaster in New York,
and we both disagree violently
with the Board of Education.
Come along, darling.
Hello there, young man.
This is Judge Bregoff.
He just freed
the Hatchet Killer.
Vera, darling!
this is Vera Charles,
the first lady
of the American theater.
And your Auntie Mame's
dearest friend.
She just loves little boys.
Have you noticed
you're very handsome?
I guess it runs
in the family.
So are you.
Listen, everyone. Listen.
This is a holiday.
It's Patrick's Day.
My Patrick's day.
Light the sparklers
Crash the cymbals
Blow the bugle
It's today
Someone gave me
A wonderful present
A little package
All shiny and new
So start the whistling
And clapping
'Cause under the wrapping
Was you
And we'll
Give life
Quite a tumble
And we'll live life
All the way
Call the cops out
Raise a racket
Pull the stops out
It's today
Auntie Mame?
I wanted to show
you my bugle.
Oh, yes.
It's lovely, dear.
Patrick, please.
Your Auntie Mame is hung.
Oh, wait a minute.
Come... Come back, dear.
Come back.
I-I really love the bugle.
It's just that it took me
a little by surprise.
Come here and give
your Auntie Mame a nice kiss.
Gently, gently.
Oh, that was lovely.
My, you're going to make some
lucky woman very happy someday.
Yeah, well, um...
I guess you'd like to discuss school.
Well, you met Mr. Divine
last night,
and, uh, he's opening
a new school.
It's coed
and very revolutionary.
And he's absolutely au courant
with everything
that's going on in Vienna.
None of that dead,
tired Montessori for him.
And there'll be lots
of nonobjective art
and eurythmics
and discussion groups.
No books
or anything like that.
I know you're going
to love it.
It will give your libido
a good shaking up.
What's libido?
Well, you'll find out
about that.
And I'm sure, there'll be
a lot of other words
that you'll want to understand.
So why don't you just
jot them down,
and once a week,
we'll go over them, hm?
Did you brush your teeth
this morning?
That's good.
Did you sleep well?
What did you hear about me?
Oh, come on now.
Somebody must've said
something about me.
- Only Mr. Babcock.
- Who's he?
- He's my trustee.
- Oh.
What did he
have to say?
He said you were
a peculiar duck.
And to be left in your hands
was a fate
he wouldn't wish on a dog.
That bastard.
The word, dear,
is bastard.
And it means
Mr. Babcock.
Oh, my God.
Someone's been
sleeping in my dress.
Well, don't worry,
Vera, darling.
We'll get the wrinkles out.
A fate he wouldn't
wish on a dog.
Do you think it's so terrible
coming to live
with your Auntie Mame?
Don't answer that.
Your coming here
is the best thing
that ever happened to you.
I mean, look at you.
You're 9 years old.
And you look like
you just came from a funeral.
I did.
Well, it's over.
And we're going to make up
for everything
that you've missed.
In fact, you know
who's going to be your teacher?
Me, the peculiar duck.
I'm gonna show you things
you never dreamed existed.
Look at that.
- At what?
- At everything.
Open a new window
Open a new door
Travel a new highway
That's never been
Tried before
Before you find
You're a dull fellow
Punching the same clock
Walking the same tightrope
As everyone on the block
The fellow you ought to be
Is three-dimensional
Soaking up life
Down to your toes
Whenever they say you're
Slightly unconventional
Just put your thumb
Up to your nose
And show 'em how to
Dance to a new rhythm
Whistle a new song
Toast with a new vintage
The fizz doesn't fizz
Too long
There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay
Simply travel a new highway
Dance to a new rhythm
Whistle a new love song
Toast with a new vintage
Open a new window
If you'll follow
Your Auntie Mame
I'll make this vow
My little love
That on the last day
Of your life
You'll be smiling the same
Young smile
You're smiling now
My little love
If you wake up every morning
And you pull aside
The shutter
And promise me
That these'll be
The first words
That you utter
Open a new window
Open a new door
Mame sent me.
Open a new window
Open a new door
Travel a new highway
That's never been tried
Dance to a new rhythm
Whistle a new song
Toast with a new vintage
The fizz doesn't fizz too long
There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay
Simply travel a new highway
Dance to a new rhythm
Open a new window
Will you kindly tell
Miss Dennis
that Mr. Babcock of
the Knickerbocker Bank is here?
Miss Dennis no home.
Nobody's home.
- Is the boy in school?
- Oh, boy in school.
- Where is it?
- Me don't know. Maybe Brooklyn.
- Brooklyn?
- Maybe not.
Now, look here, young man...
My, what a pretty, pretty car.
Is this your pretty car?
You know, it's so refreshing to
meet someone who admires beauty.
I mean, I assume
you feel as I do,
that this age we live in
is so materialistic.
I've nothing to do. You'll never
find it by yourself,
so why don't I just come along
and show you?
Ito, get the car out.
I personally find bankers
the Renaissance men of our time.
I mean, for instance,
where would Flo Ziegfield be
without money?
I ask you that.
However, in Fallen Angel,
all of my clothes
were done by Chanel.
She said to me, "Cherie..."
She always used
to call me "cherie."
Oh, driver, right here.
Yeah, right up ahead.
She always called me "cherie."
"Cherie," she said,
"clothes not only make
the woman,
clothes make the world."
Oh, she's brilliant!
Sell her own mother,
but brilliant.
However, for my first entrance
in my new show,
the costume is so dazzling
that we expect complaints
from the orchestra.
It has an Empire sash
of polished...
And a peekaboo bodice
of aluminum sequins.
Oh, Mame, darling,
have you met?
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
You must be Mr. Babcock.
But the boy
enjoys it!
You call that
educating a boy?
Look, Mr. Babcock,
please let him stay with me.
We'll discuss
another school.
Miss Gooch, pack
this boy's bags immediately.
My God,
you're nasty.
Mame, I've got
to speak with you.
Oh, Fred, thank God you're here.
He's taking Patrick away.
- Miss Dennis' residence.
- I'm taking him
to a restricted school
in another state!
He's gonna be
so far away from her,
that the only time she'll
be able to breathe on him
is at Christmas and summer.
And if I can stop that,
I will!
- Mame?
- So that does it.
You want a fight,
you'll get it.
Mame, you've got to make
a decision this minute.
Auntie Mame,
I don't wanna go.
Don't worry,
It's illegal to interrupt
a child's schooling.
That's not a school.
That's the Garden of Eden.
Miss Dennis, your accountant
wants to say hello
before he jumps
out the window.
I'll take it. Yes?
This boy is gonna be turned
into a God-fearing Christian
if I have to break
every bone in his body.
I see.
The market's gone crazy.
They say you're wiped out.
We all are.
Oh, thank God I never put
anything aside.
I don't give a damn
about money.
I lost my child.
I'm sorry, Mame.
I... better go see
what I can salvage.
Mame, I know how you must feel.
Vera, what am I going to do?
You must hate me.
I led him right to the school.
I had no idea.
Oh, forget about that.
Mame, I'm going to make it
up to you, I promise.
Vera, how could you possibly
help me get Patrick back?
Mame, you're going
to need money.
So I'm going to get you
a job in my new show.
Vera, I don't want charity.
Besides, I found out years ago
what you thought of my talent
when we were
in the chorus together.
I was never in the chorus.
Well, what difference
does it make?
The show won't run anyway.
I was never in the chorus.
Your shows never run.
I was never in...
What do you mean
my shows don't run?
My God, Vera,
they're so old-fashioned.
I'll have you know this is
an extremely modern operetta.
It's about a lady astronomer.
Lady astronomer?
I'd like to play
a lady astronomer.
I am the lady astronomer.
But there is a part
that you might be right for.
Now, it's very small.
Actually only one line.
Only one line?
Well, it comes at
the very climax of the play.
You see,
I teach in this convent.
You...? You...?
You teach in... In a convent?
Do you want the job or not?
I do. I do.
But you in a convent?
I'll have you know
that once in Pittsburgh,
I played Mother Cabrini.
During Lent.
Anyway, I'm in love
with a professor
who teaches
in this men's seminary.
Only he's a terrible alcoholic.
it is the night
of the rising of the moon,
and I've just discovered
something through my telescope.
And I sing.
I have a little secret
I'd like to impart
That I hope doesn't give you
Too much of a start
Though it's shocking
It's completely true
I know it isn't gossip
Or rumor, of course
For I've had it
From quite a reliable source
And I'd like to
Pass it on
To you
The man in the moon
Is a lady
A lady with lipstick
And curls
The cow that jumped over
Cried, "Jumpin' Jehovah
"I think it's just
One of the girls"
Though, uh...
Though earthbound man
judge your love ill-fated,
be not afraid.
It's a Saturn chemise
Oh, her friends
Are the stars
And the planets
She sends the Big Dipper
A kiss
So don't ever offend her
Remember her gender
The man
In the moon
Is a miss
The stars have brought
us together, my beloved.
And now we shall have proof
of my great discovery.
For it is the time
of the rising of the moon.
The time of the rising
of the moon!
Moon Lady, you're on!
The rising of the moon
is a bit late, my beloved.
But we shall see it soon
in all its glory.
Tell her to get her ass
on that moon!
- Though earthbound man judge...
- You're on, you're on!
Though earthbound man
judge your love...
Though earthbound man
judge your love...
III-fated, ill-fated!
So don't ever offend her
Remember her gender
The man in the moon
Is a miss
The most shocking thing
that has happened
in the history of the theatre.
Vera, darling, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me, please.
Listen, everybody, Vera Charles
is my dearest friend.
I owe my whole career to her.
Come on, come on,
curtain calls.
Let go of me.
Get off stage.
Let go of me.
I can't, I'm stuck.
Has anyone
got some pliers?
Get a hacksaw!
Cut her arm off!
Right there.
That's it.
No more curtain calls.
All right, house lights!
I have an astronomical
discovery for you.
The man in the moon
is a bitch!
Attention, everybody.
Eleven o'clock call tomorrow.
Replacement for the Moon Lady.
Sorry, Moon Lady.
I thought you were
very good, Auntie Mame.
Everybody noticed you.
Oh, Patrick,
what are you doing here?
How did you get to New Haven?
I hitchhiked.
Did they let you
out of school?
Not exactly.
Oh, Patrick.
Are you...? Are you terribly
ashamed of your Auntie Mame?
No, I'm proud of her.
Nobody liked the show
until you came on.
Oh, honey,
your Auntie Mame's a failure.
No, you're not.
Not to me. Not ever.
You're my best girl
And nothing you do is wrong
I'm proud you belong to me
And if a day
Is rough for me
Having you there's enough
For me
But if someday
Another girl comes along
It won't take her long
To see
That I'll still be found
Just hangin' around
You're my best beau
You're handsome and brave
And strong
There's nothing we two
Can't face
If you're with me
Whatever comes
We'll see that trouble
Never comes
And if someday
Another beau comes along
Determined to take
Your place
I hope he's resigned
To fallin' behind
My best beau
And if someday
When everything
Turns out wrong
You're through
With the human race
Come runnin' to me
For I'll always be
Your best girl
My best girl
Sorry, lady.
But why this?
Don't you realize
that I bought this piano
at the Paris Exposition?
Sorry, lady.
May I help you, sir?
Well, now, maybe you can.
What did you have in mind?
I was looking for a present.
Perhaps you could suggest
Well, for whom
would the present be?
Oh, cute little filly
down home said,
"Now, don't you dare
come on back here
without you bringin' me a
glistenin', sparklin' surprise."
Well, a cute little filly
who'd say a thing like that
should have a real surprise.
Why don't you give her
a glistenin', sparklin' pair
of these?
Well, you know, I think she
might get a kick out of those.
Except I don't know
the size of her tootsies.
Well, are her tootsies
anything like these tootsies?
I'm not sure
they're all that pretty.
Well, perhaps you'd be able
to tell better
if I tried them on for you.
Now, I couldn't put you
to all that trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.
- Well, then let me help you.
- Thank you.
I'm sure
she'll just love these.
Good sturdy toes
and pretty white laces
and sparklin' little wheels.
- Oh, so you're from Georgia.
- Yes, ma'am.
You know what I love?
Those trees with all that moss.
You know, you ought
to come down and visit
our little ol' plantation
one day.
Perhaps you'd like to see
these in action.
Are you purchasing
those skates, Miss Dennis?
Oh, no, Mr. Gorgon,
I'm merely performing
a little customer service.
Miss Dennis, you were not
employed to perform.
I'm buyin'
the skates, sir.
The little lady was just
modelin' them for me.
Yes, I think I'll write
the order up immediately.
Now, uh,
may I have your name, sir?
Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.
How was that?
Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.
- Pickett, is that with two Ts?
- Yes, ma'am.
My, that's a lovely name.
Thank you.
Where in Georgia?
Now, how much will that be?
Oh, 15 or 20 dollars.
But that won't be necessary.
This is COD.
Miss Dennis.
Well, I can't
send a gift COD.
Oh, it's the only way.
That makes it even more
of a surprise.
Miss Dennis!
A small conference,
excuse us.
You write that up cash,
or you're finished.
Mr. Gorgon, you know
very well that I don't
know how to write up cash sales.
I taught you four times
this week.
And take off those skates
Come on!
Come on, hurry up.
You got me so nervous
I knotted the laces.
Miss Dennis, you are the dumbest
clerk on the entire floor.
You're fired.
Your loss is Tiffany's gain.
Hi, Auntie Mame!
Patrick, darling.
What are you doing home?
Time off for good behavior.
I got an A in French.
Oh, that's too bad.
I was hoping
you'd been expelled.
Hi, there.
Fired again?
No questions, all right?
- What's for dinner?
- Shredded Wheat.
Agnes, Ito, I'm sorry.
I was just so hoping
I'd be able to pay you
some of your back salary.
I just can't keep asking you
to work for me for nothing.
We wouldn't think
of leaving you, Miss Dennis.
No place else
to get a job anyway.
Please don't cry,
Auntie Mame.
Hell, we don't even
have any Kleenex.
Thank you.
You're a loving woman,
Miss Dennis.
You're peculiar,
but you're loving.
Well, thank you, Agnes.
You're... You're peculiar too.
I refuse to let
the Depression depress us.
At least they
didn't take these.
Merry Christmas,
But it's not
till next month.
But we need it now.
Come on, open them up.
I bought them three jobs ago
before I was tempted
to spend the money
on something foolish
like food.
I don't believe it.
Long pants, at last.
- You like?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Miss Dennis.
- You're welcome.
Miss Dennis,
I don't know what to say.
I didn't expect anything
like this.
Okay, now, where's all
of last year's tinsel and stuff?
- It's all packed away.
- Go and get it.
Haul out the holly
Put up the tree
Before my
Spirit falls again
Fill up the stockings
We may be rushing things
But deck the halls again now
For we need
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet
Yes, we need
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
It hasn't snowed
A single flurry
But, Santa dear
We're in a hurry
So climb down the chimney
Turn on the brightest string
Of lights I've ever seen
Slice up the fruitcake
It's time we hung
Some tinsel
On that evergreen bough
For I've grown
A little leaner
Grown a little colder
Grown a little sadder
Grown a little older
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder
Need a little Christmas now
Haul out the holly
Haven't I taught you well
To live each living day?
Fill up the stockings
But Auntie Mame
It's one week
Till Thanksgiving Day now
But we need
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet
Yes, we need
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
It hasn't snowed
A single flurry
But, Santa dear
We're in a hurry
So climb down
The chimney
It's been a long time
Since I felt good neighbory
Slice up the fruitcake
It's time we hung some tinsel
On that bayberry bough
For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter
And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after
Need a little Christmas now
Need a little Christmas now
We need
A little Christmas now
- Oh! Whew!
- God!
- Hey, Auntie Mame.
- Yeah?
Can I try on my long pants
right now?
Right now.
Miss Dennis.
I hope you don't get angry
about what we've done,
but we have a present
for you too.
Our worries are over.
We paid the butcher bill
all the way up through
the first of September.
We had some money put aside
for a rainy day.
But we didn't know
it was gonna get this wet.
I'll pay you back someday,
I promise.
I didn't know you were gonna
have Christmas so early.
I didn't get you anything,
but would you take a kiss
on account?
Would I?
For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter
And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after
Need a little Christmas now
If that's Santa,
tell him we've already had it.
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Come on, Dancer.
Come on, Prancer.
Come on, Donner and Blitzen.
Comet and Cupid,
Dasher and Vixen.
Evening. I don't know
if I have the right address,
but is this where Miss Dennis
lives? Miss Mame Dennis.
Miss Dennis, is that you?
I've been all over that
store trying to find out
how to get in touch with you.
I wanted to apologize
for you losin' your job.
Uh, we... We... We... We were
just celebrating Christmas.
It's a little early,
but we're free thinkers.
I want you to know
that I told that
floorwalker it was all my fault.
Uh, won't you let me
make it up to you somehow?
At least by takin' you
to dinner.
Oh, well...
All of you.
We'd love to.
Well, now, that
makes me very happy.
Family, I'd like you to meet
Mr. Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.
Well, now, you all get
your hats and coats,
and I'll go tell
my cab to wait.
Marry him the minute
he asks you.
I never believed
in Santa Claus.
I'm beginning
to change my mind.
Yeah, well,
I never expected Santa Claus
to look so much
like Rhett Butler.
- Are you ready?
- Almost.
For we've
Got a little Christmas
Right this very minute
Got a little Christmas now
Yes, we've got
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet
Yes, we've got
A little Christmas
Right this very minute
We've got a little
Beau, darling.
Hey, there, Sally Cato.
Meet Mame Dennis.
Hey, how are you?
This is her nephew, Patrick.
Well, we're lookin' forward
to y'all bein' here.
I just wanted to be
the first one to say welcome.
Hey, come on. Here they come.
They're here. They're here.
Come on. Come on.
Well, we got peaches
right here, ripe for pickin'.
Can't see why any man'd
go hankerin' after
a northern alligator pear.
Mother, the second you meet her,
you're gonna like her.
Well, where is she?
I'll go see
what's holdin' her up.
Patrick, have you seen
your aunt? We're all waitin'.
She'll be right down.
She's just changing.
Mame, honey,
what's keepin' you?
I'll be right down, sugar.
Sweet little darling.
I don't believe that you
have met Beau's mama.
How do you do,
Mrs. Burnside?
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm just dying to meet
your little ol' mother.
She's just dyin'
to meet you too, honey.
Mother, may I present
Miss Mame Dennis?
Oh, Mrs. Burnside,
you're more than I expected.
Cousin Fan
and my Uncle Jeff.
And these are my kinfolk.
Oh, you'll be
first-namin' each other
as soon as I slosh another
gallon of bourbon in the punch.
Excuse me, honey.
Hi, there.
Hello, Sally Cato.
You know, I could tell from the
moment I first set eyes on you,
that we was gonna be
the closest of friends.
Oh, well, I hope so.
That's very nice of you.
Tell me,
was it the horses
brought you and
Beauregard together?
I know my Beauregard
would be bored blue
with anyone who wasn't
practically born on a horse.
Oh, well, I wasn't
actually born on a horse,
but riding is my life.
Oh, dear me, yes.
up at the crack of noon.
Well, that settles it.
Here I've been wracking my poor
brain how to entertain you.
How to make your visit here
really unforgettable.
And what could be sweeter
than a hunt?
A hunt?
Tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning
we're having a hunt.
You're all invited!
Won't we have a lark,
all of us,
leapin' those hedges,
jumpin' those river gaps,
hounds yappin' around
those boulders.
I tell you, Mame,
every eye in this county
is gonna be on you
tomorrow morning.
Oh, well,
if I'd only known.
I didn't bring any
of my riding togs.
Don't you worry, Mame, child,
I have a dozen things
you can wear.
You do ride astride?
Oh, no, no.
Only sidesaddle.
Well, isn't that grand?
I have a little old sidesaddle
that will suit you just perfect.
Beau. Oh, Beauregard.
You wanna hear
something fantastic?
At the hunt tomorrow,
your little old Yankee girl
is gonna ride sidesaddle.
But that's much too dangerous.
but she insists on it.
Well, anything Mame says
she can do, she can do.
Mame, sugar, I'm gonna hold my
breath until tomorrow morning.
You do that, honey.
Oh, look at all
those beautiful dogs.
Yeah, ain't they?
Look out!
Whoa, look out!
Now, did I get you
a delicious piece of horseflesh,
or didn't I?
Whoa! Easy! Whoa!
Ain't that Lightning Rod
they're givin' the Dennis woman?
I thought he went mad.
Easy, easy.
Whoa, boy.
Easy, there. Easy.
- He's all yours.
- Whoa, boy.
Easy. Good.
Okay, Cousin B.J.,
let's go.
Nice horsy, nice horsy.
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup.
Nice horsy, nice horsy.
Nice horsy, nice horsy.
Nice horsy, giddyup.
Nice, nice.
Giddyup, nice horsy.
That can't be Lightning Rod.
That's Lightning Rod.
Hey, look out.
Hey, watch it! Watch it!
Hey, watch it!
Watch it!
So long, Yankee girl!
Stop right here.
That Dennis woman has one of
the best seats I've ever seen.
Good God,
she's passin' the hunters.
She's passing
the dogs.
Mother of Jefferson Davis,
she's passing the fox.
Come on,
let's follow her.
If she's still on that horse,
we can see her from here.
Foxy. Foxy.
Come here.
Come on, baby.
Come on, foxy. Come on, baby.
Oh, look at the baby.
Look at the baby.
To Mame, the huntress.
To Mame, the huntress!
To Mame, the huntress!
The most amazing feat
I ever saw.
Mother Burnside,
I like her
just as much as you do.
But does she really
belong down here?
Listen, everybody.
Friends, please,
everybody listen.
On this plantation,
in this county,
in the whole blame state,
this morning will
go down in history
as the day
this lovely lady
has restored elegance
and humanity
to the gentlemanly sport
of the hunt.
And you know why, Mame?
'Cause you done more
for the South
than anybody
since Robert E. Lee.
You coax the blues
Right out of the horn
You charm the husk
Right off of the corn
You've got
The banjoes strummin'
And plunkin' out a tune
To beat the band
The whole plantation's
Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland
You make the cotton
Easy to pick
You give my old
Mint julep a kick
Who ever thought
A Yankee would put
Our little Dixie belles
To shame?
You've made us
Feel alive again
You've given us
The drive again
To make the South
Revive again, Mame
You've brought the cakewalk
Back into style
You make
The weepin' willow tree smile
Your skin is Dixie satin
There's rebel in your manner
And your speech
You may be from Manhattan
But Georgia never
Had a sweeter peach
You make the old
Magnolia tree bud
You make camellias
Bloom in the mud
You make the bougainvillea
Turn purple
At the mention of your name
We're bakin'
Pecan pies again
The chicken fries again
This time the South
Will rise again
Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland
You make our black-eyed peas
And our grits
Seem like the bill of fare
At the Ritz
You came, you saw
You conquered
And absolutely nothing
Is the same
Your special fascination'll
Prove to be inspirational
We think you're
Just sensational, Mame
You coax the blues
Right out of the horn
You charm the husk
Right off of the corn
You've got
The banjoes strummin'
And plunkin' out a tune
To beat the band
The whole plantation's
Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland
You make the cotton
Easy to pick
You give my old
Mint julep a kick
Who ever thought
A Yankee would
Put our little Dixie belles
To shame?
You've made us feel
Alive again
You've given us
The drive again
To make the South
Revive again
Oh, Beau, do you know
how happy I am?
You're not unhappy
with me, are you?
Why should I be?
I brought
18 steamer trunks.
And you're gonna need
every last stitch, Mame.
I'm gonna show you
so many remarkable places,
so many incredible things.
I've always had to take
someone else by the hand.
I like it better
this way.
Did you ever live on
a houseboat in Kashmir?
Ever have a picnic
on the Matterhorn?
Did you ever sail over the coast
of Ireland on a balloon?
Lovin' you is snow
And jasmine
And the noise
Of New Year's Eve
Loving you is now
And yesterday is real
And make-believe
Loving you is Rome
And New Orleans
And gazin' at
The lazy summer skies
Fireworks reflectin'
In your eyes
Foolish and improbable
And wise
Lovin' you
Is tart as lemonade
And sweet as April wine
Lovin' you is
Watching all the lovely things
Of life combine
In your arms
I'm all I wish I were
I'm brave, I'm strong
And I'm true
As long as I
Can go on livin'
Lovin' you
In your arms
I'm all I wish I were
I'm brave, I'm strong
And I'm true
As long as I
Can go on livin'
Lovin' you
In English Lit
I'm in the top 10
I got a B-plus
Average again
Tahiti sounds the greatest
Of all the crazy places
That you've been
Wait till you hear
The latest
I think I've got
A whisker on my chin
I find it's getting
Harder to cram
I flunked my Latin
Grammar exam
I'm shaving every morning
And growing like it's
Going out of style
The debs all seem
To go for me
Please tell the Alps
Hello for me
A hug to Uncle Beau for me
Hi, Ito.
- Hi, Agnes, where is she?
- She's upstairs, dear.
Hi, Auntie Mame.
Well, there's
not much I can do.
But I just wanted you
to know that...
whenever you need me,
I'm here.
Thank you, Patrick.
How about lunch?
I have a date,
but why don't you join us?
Oh, no.
No, you run along.
Come on, please,
we'd love to have you.
No, really,
I'll be all right.
Well, listen,
I want you to promise me
that you'll call,
you know, whenever...
Whenever you feel like it.
You promise?
Auntie Mame, I love you.
How do you do?
Look at yourself.
You look like you just
came from a funeral.
I was destroyed at the news,
absolutely destroyed.
So young, cut down
on the very prime of his life.
And he was so devoted,
so in love, so happy.
Double martini with twist
of lemon and very, very dry.
Very good,
Miss Charles.
Mame, darling.
You look awful.
Vera, my old,
old, old friend.
Double Scotch,
Mame, do you forgive me?
Forgive you, dear?
For what?
Oh! I've had regrets.
I tell you, I've lost
many a beauty sleep,
tossing and turning
because I was so cruel to you
that terrible time in New Haven.
You've lost beauty sleep,
It hardly shows.
- But you do forgive me?
- Of course.
- Let's drink to old times.
- To old times.
There we are.
Friendship like ours
is very rare.
What is the female equivalent
to Damon and Pythias?
Uh... Daphnis and Chlo.
I think one of them
was a fella.
The wonderful thing is
that you and I can say
anything to each other.
Absolutely anything.
Do you have a quarter
for the john?
We'll always be
Bosom buddies
Friends, sisters and pals
We'll always be
Bosom buddies
If life should reject you
There's me to protect you
If I say that
Your tongue is vicious
If I call you uncouth
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down
And tell you the truth?
Though now and again,
I'm aware that
my candid opinion may sting.
Though often my frank
observation might scald,
I've been meaning
to tell you for years
you should keep your hair
natural like mine.
If I kept my hair natural
like yours, I'd be bald.
But, darling
If I say that your
Sense of style's
As far off as your youth
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell you
The whole stinkin' truth?
Each time that
a critic has written,
"Your voice
is the voice of a frog,"
straight to your side
to defend you I rush.
You know that I'm there
every time that the world
makes an unkind remark.
When they say, "Vera Charles
is the w o rld's greatest lush."
It hurts me
I'm thrilled
By the style and wit
Of each jest
That you make
It's bracing to
Trade quips
With my bosom buddy
You Woollcott, you Benchley
You snake
I feel it's my duty
to tell you,
it's time to adjust
to your age.
You try to be Peg O' My Heart
when you're Lady Macbeth.
Exactly how old are you, Vera?
The truth.
How old do you think?
I'd say somewhere between
40 and death.
But sweetie
I'll always be Alice Toklas
If you'll be
Gertrude Stein
And though I'll admit
I've dished you
I've gossiped and gloated
But I'm so devoted
And if I say
That sex and guts
Made you into a star
Remember that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell ya
How rotten you are?
Just turn to your
Bosom buddy
For aid and affection
For help and direction
For loyalty, love
And for sooth
Remember that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and level
And give you the devil
Will sit down
And tell you the truth?
Vera, you know,
I think it's amazing
how we've always remained
such good friends.
Especially when you consider
how often we dated the same men.
Mame, I never dated
the same men you did.
How about Carlo,
the sexy Argentine,
the one with all
those shoulders?
Carl... I never dated Carlo.
I married him.
I never dated him.
Excuse me,
but listening to you ladies
makes me all goose-pimply.
You see, I never had one.
Never had one what?
A date with a member
of the opposite...
Is anything wrong,
Mrs. Burnside?
Agnes, you're coming out.
Why, Agnes, you have
beautiful eyes.
Keep these glasses
off forever.
But, Ms. Charles, I can't see
anything out of my right eye.
Who can?
Look out of your left.
What do you call
those things you're wearing?
Orthopedic oxfords.
Take 'em off.
Good heavens, Agnes,
you have a bust.
Where you been hiding it
all these years?
Agnes, I want you to take
all your clothes off,
do you hear me?
Take 'em all off.
I don't have a very clear
picture of what's going on.
Here, this'll
calm you down.
Oh, no.
Spirits do the most
terrible things to me.
I'm not the same girl.
Well, what's wrong
with that?
Will it mix with Dr Pepper?
He'll love it.
Come on,
into the tub.
We gotta do something
about her face.
We gotta close
those pores.
Get me a bucket of ice
and 16 egg whites.
And a small chisel.
Agnes, darling.
By tonight, you should be
Queen of the Nile.
Mrs. Burnside, I think I know
what you're suggesting I do.
I just don't think I can do
anything so provocative.
Agnes, stop being so afraid.
Get out there and live. Live!
Yes. Life is a banquet.
And most poor sons of bitches
are starving to death.
You know, I think
we are the greatest team
since Romulus and Remus.
I'm sure one of them
was a fellow.
I know that of jokes
And of scandalous gossip
I'm often the butt
And that for your protection
I always can vouch
It hurts me the most
When they try and involve you
In off-color smut
Like the one about you
And the first casting couch
If life should reject you
There's me to protect you
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and level
And give you the devil
Will sit down
And tell you the...
At my college,
I had this fantastic
psychology class
and a marvelous professor.
And every day is an exciting
adventure. It's so exciting.
I have learned that I can learn
so much from people.
For example,
I had this girlfriend
who really hates her mother.
I mean, she really hates her
and says so.
Now, I don't know a lot
about the Bible, but, uh...
I mean, it's in there.
It is in there, isn't it?
That you must love
your father and mother?
I believe, Gloria,
that the Bible says
you should honor your father
and mother, not love them.
Hello, Agnes.
Well, after all, parents give
their children life.
Of course,
you're not Patrick's mother.
You didn't give him life.
But even with you, he has
an obligation to love you.
Your devotion to your parents
is so refreshing, Gloria.
They must be incredible people.
Oh, they are.
And they are always
asking about you.
They're just dying to meet you.
Well, fine. How about Friday
night, right here, dinner at 8?
We'll all get to know
each other.
Oh, how marvelous.
- You like that?
- Yes.
I would love that.
- Who was that, Ito?
- Agnes.
Agnes. Where is she?
In the kitchen,
afraid to come in.
Um, would you excuse me
for a moment?
Of course.
Where's she been?
I don't know.
I've only had one postcard
from her in six months,
and that was from
the Shangri-La Motel
in East Stroudsburg,
My God,
Agnes, what happened?
I opened a new window.
I wanted you
to be the first to know.
Oh, uh,
Auntie Mame,
I think we really should be
running along.
Thank you so much
for the scrumptious lunch.
- My pleasure.
- I think I'll say hello to Agnes.
Hi, Agnes, what's new?
She just adored
being a mother.
But once the pups
got their teeth,
she refused to nurse them.
Agnes looks well,
don't you think?
You know, I was thinking,
uh, maybe it would be better
if you came up to Connecticut
to meet Gloria's parents.
I promise you it'll be fun here.
Well, I-I'll be coming down
from college,
and I got the feeling
it would be easier on me
if I didn't have to drive
all the way into the city.
You'll love it,
Mrs. Burnside. Do come.
Mother will call you
first thing in the morning.
- She'll be very excited.
- Okay. Well, see you.
Bye. So long.
Do you think he noticed?
Agnes, tell me about it.
Tell me exactly what happened.
I'll try.
With my wings
Resolutely spread
Mrs. Burnside
And my old inhibitions shed
Mrs. Burnside
I did each little thing
You said
Mrs. Burnside
I lived
I lived
I lived
I altered the drape
Of a drop
Of my bodice
And softened the shape
Of my brow
I followed directions
And made some connections
But what do I do now
Who'd think this Miss Prim
Would have opened a window
As far as her whim
Would allow
And who would suppose
It was so hard to close it
Oh, what do I do now
I polished and powdered
And puffed myself
If life is a banquet
I stuffed myself
I had my misgivings
But went on a field trip
To find out
What living's about
My thanks for your training
Now, I'm not complaining
But you left something out
Instead of wandering on
With my lone remorse
I have come back home
To complete the course
Oh, what do I do?
Mrs. Burnside
I traveled to hell
In my new veneer
And look what I got
As a souvenir
But still I'll defend you
As guide and instructor
Would I recommend you
And how
Although I was leery
I thrived on your theory
That life can be a wow
I had too much gin
When I found my prince
And have I been nauseous
Ever since
Oh, what
Oh, I just don't know
which one you should go in.
- Here, use that one.
- Look, Mother.
- I don't like that.
- Look, here she comes.
You must be Mame.
Shall I call you Mamie?
You must be Doris.
Shall I call you Dorie?
Welcome to Upson Downs.
Upson Downs. Get it?
- "Ups and... "?
- Well, our name is Upson.
Oh, of course. Upson Downs.
Well, that is cunning.
That is cunning.
This is our little
- And that's Peggy-boo.
- Oh, yeah.
Darling, don't get
your Auntie Mamie's dress dirty.
- That's all right.
- Are you my little Debbie-boo?
- Are you Grandma's favorite?
- Oh, what a beautiful place.
- Well, we like it.
- Really love it.
my beautiful girl.
Mame, I want you
to feel right at home.
And I'm going to introduce you
to the rest of my family.
This is my
daughter-in-law, Emily.
How do you do?
We are so excited.
Yes, she's married
to my son, Boyd.
- Love your car.
- Oh, thank you.
- Boyd's in dentistry.
- Oh, is he?
This is my other daughter Midge
and her husband Bunny.
- Hello, Bunny.
- No, he's Bunny. I'm Midge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, anyway, congratulations.
Yes. Congratulations.
- Auntie Mame?
- Oh, hi, darling.
Auntie Mame,
Gloria and I are engaged.
Oh, isn't that scrumptious?
And isn't
this scrumptious?
Oh, you better not touch.
I'm dripping with oil.
Mamie, aren't we lucky?
Well, I think this calls
for a drink.
What'll you have, Mamie?
Straight Scotch.
And this is where we spend
all our time, Mamie.
It's a sort of
rumpus room.
Dorie, Claude,
I can't begin to tell you
what I think
of your house.
How about
a refill, Mamie?
Love it.
You'd never believe it,
but this part of the house
dates back to before
the American Revolution.
Why, this room was actually
an old slave kitchen.
Oh, there you are,
Bertha, I want you to meet
Mrs. Burnside.
Hello, Bertha.
Bertha is
one in a million.
We don't know what we'd do
without her, do we, Claude?
She's part
of the family.
She's so nice.
Most of them are
getting so snotty these days.
Mame, I made these
especially for you.
Oh, they look delicious.
What are they?
Well, I take two cans
of tuna fish,
run it through the meat grinder,
add a little clam juice
and peanut butter.
That's good, Mother.
Mamie, I've been giving
a lot of thought
about what I'm going
to give
Gloria and Patrick
for a wedding gift.
He's thought of something
so unique.
Don't tell me.
His-and-hers shotguns.
you are so funny.
Yes, seriously.
I hope you don't mind
if we talk a little business.
- Business?
- Yeah. I would like for us
to go into this together, 50-50.
I don't know whether you noticed
that vacant lot next door,
but that is one of the choicest
pieces of real estate
left in this whole area.
This is all two-acre zoning.
Yeah, but the important thing
is that this section
is restricted only up to the
end of our property line.
In other words,
anyone could move in
on the other side
of our wishing well.
Like whom?
You know,
the wrong kind of people.
So we settle the
kiddies in there,
then we protect the neighborhood
at the same time.
What do you say?
I'd like
a little more Scotch.
Oh, Mamie, I have planned
the most beautiful wedding.
I'm already
starting to cry.
So am I.
It's at the Church of the
Heavenly Rest
in East Mountebank.
That's the most
restricted community
in this part
of Connecticut.
I'll get a blood test.
Mamie, you're a card.
Oh, so sweet.
I love them
when they're babies.
I wish they'd
stay that little.
Is that Gloria too?
Mm-hmm. That's Gloria.
Looks more like Midge here.
No, no. Midge is
on the next reel.
- Mmm.
- This is all Gloria.
Hold on, here's my favorite.
How old was she here, Mother?
Oh, I don't know.
About six months, I think.
Yes, six months.
I remember that dress.
I looked awful, Mom.
This is silly.
Look, be quiet, Glory,
we're all enjoying it.
You were beautiful.
Well, that was such fun. Such
fun. I really must be going.
- Oh, no.
- Don't go, Mamie.
Hey, Boyd, you got that reel
where she falls off the bicycle?
I'm sure you're gonna get
a big kick out of this.
I'm sure I would, Claude,
I'm sure I would,
but I really must be going.
Oh, but I feel we're just
beginning to get acquainted.
Well, next time,
it'll be at my place.
Now, nothing elaborate.
Just a very informal evening.
Oh, we would
just love that.
I'm perfectly capable
of walking to my car by myself.
I didn't say you weren't.
Or did you think I'd tied
on such a load
that I might fall on my face
in the driveway?
I only wanted to tell you
how much I appreciated
your coming up here.
Oh, it was
no imposition at all.
I can go to Fire Island
Of course,
it would have been nice
if I'd known about
your engagement beforehand.
Well, all I wanted to do
was to have you make a good
impression on Gloria's family.
Well, how'd I do?
Well, fortunately, they really
seem to like you a lot.
Well, that just makes
my summer.
Oh, now, look, Auntie Mame,
let's get this straight.
Now I know how you feel
about Gloria...
and the Upsons.
You're about as subtle
as a pile driver.
But I wanna marry Gloria,
and I intend to.
Even if she's
wrong for you?
Well, that's for me
t o decide.
Look, you know why I didn't
tell you we were engaged?
It was because I was afraid
that you would come up here
dressed as a farm hand or
the queen of Sheba or something,
and ruin the whole thing.
Are you trying to tell me
that I have ever given you
reason to be ashamed of me?
You and your crazy friends.
My friends are not crazy.
My friends are colorful.
They're not like
the crashing bigoted bores
that you've been
hanging around with.
Now, look, the Upsons are nice,
normal, ordinary human beings.
And they don't have to know
all those things
that you think everybody
should have to know.
And should they know
that I think
you have turned into one
of the most beastly,
babbitty little snobs
on the Eastern Seaboard?
Or will you be able
to make that quite clear
without any help from me?
Forget it.
Forget you ever knew the Upsons.
Forget you ever knew me.
Where's that boy
With the bugle?
My little love
Who was always
My big romance
Where's that boy
With the bugle?
And why did I ever buy him
Those damn long pants
Did he need
A stronger hand?
Did he need
A lighter touch?
Was I soft
Or was I tough?
Did I give enough?
Did I give too much?
At the moment
That he needed me
Did I ever turn away?
Would I be there
When he called
If he walked into my life
Were his days
A little dull?
Were his nights
A little wild?
Did I overstate my plan?
Did I stress the man
And forget the child?
And there must have been
A million things
That my heart
Forgot to say
Would I think
Of one or two
If he walked
Into my life today?
Should I blame
The times I pampered him
Or blame the times
I bossed him?
What a shame
I never really found the boy
Before I lost him
Were the years
A little fast?
Was his world
A little free?
Was there too much
Of a crowd
All too lush and loud
And not enough of me?
Though I'll ask myself
My whole life long
What went wrong
Along the way
Would I make
The same mistakes
If he walked
Into my life today?
If that boy with the bugle
Walked into my life
Oh! Good evening, sir.
- You're new here.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
- What's your name?
- Pegeen, sir.
- I'm Patrick.
- I know.
She spent hours showing me
photographs of you growing up.
I especially enjoyed
you at the zoo
with the giraffes eating
peanuts off your head.
Oh! Mind the steps.
The bottom one's
the lowest.
That's what me
grandmother used to say.
Oh, did she now?
She had a saying for just about
everything, that one did.
Ah, Mr. Patrick,
Thanks, Ito.
I promise you,
I won't use
one teensy-weensy "son of
a bitch" all evening, okay?
You look so terrific,
no one would notice anyway.
Mrs. Burnside,
would you like me to help
with the party tonight?
Hi, Patrick!
What is Agnes
doing here?
Well, where else could she
go in her friendless condition?
Nobody else wanted me.
I'm very grateful to
have someone to look after
now that I'm losing you.
You're not losing me.
I wish I had somebody
to look after.
You will, dear.
You will.
I'll get it.
- No, wait!
- I don't mind.
No, I want you to go to
your room and stay there.
And don't forget to take
your calcium pill.
I'm not loved!
Oh, you're loved,
My God,
have you been loved.
Dorie, darling.
How I've looked
forward to this.
- Hello, Mamie.
- Hi, Mamie.
- Hi, darling.
- Oh, isn't this lovely?
Mrs. Burnside,
I can't tell you
how happy I am
to see you again.
Thank you.
Glory, you look
You too, Mamie.
That's a sweet little dress.
Thank you.
Please, make yourselves
- Shall we have a drink?
- I could sure as hell use one.
Something wrong, Claude?
- The property's been sold.
- Kids' wedding present.
Some smart Jew lawyer outbid us
and grabbed it for his client.
Well, now, I hope it doesn't
spoil your evening.
Oh, I insist you try
some of these.
Oh, they look delicious.
- What is it?
- Baked monkey.
Oh. No, thank you.
Ooh, how...?
How can you eat that?
Been eating it
all my life.
- It's a time for
- MEN: It's a time for
- Making merry
- Making merry
- And so I'm for
- Oooh
Makin' hay
Tune the grand up
These are some friends
I asked over.
And I think you're
going to love them.
- It's today
- Tune the grand up
Strike the band up
Pull the stops out
It's today
Mame, darling.
Claude, that's the famous
stage star what's-her-name.
I'd like you to meet my dearest
friend, Vera Charles.
Vera, the Upsons.
Oh, Miss Charles!
I've simply
got to tell you
how I adored you
in "Reflected Glory."
Did you, dear?
That was
Tallulah Bankhead.
Vera's only
a baritone.
Could you be persuaded
to have a drink, dear?
Well, maybe just
a tiny triple.
Glory be,
I'm so sorry, madam.
Oh, what a mess.
Here, let me help
you with that.
Oh, no sir. You mustn't
soil your fine suit.
I'd like to propose a toast
to this lovely young couple
as they face life together.
Oh, uh...
Uh, no, Auntie Vera.
This isn't Gloria.
This is Gloria.
Well, what the hell,
let's have a toast anyway.
What do you say,
Mrs. Upjohn?
Is that a member
of the family?
I thought you were going to
stay in your room.
But you told me to
take my calcium pills.
They're in
the kitchen.
Ito, get her
calcium pills.
Come here, dear.
Come on.
Dorie, Claude, this is Agnes,
Patrick's nanny.
Une petite enceinte.
Now, now, dear.
We know all about these
women things, don't we?
You just come
right over here
and sit down beside me.
What's your name, dear?
Open a new window
Open a new door
Travel a new highway
That's never been tried before
Before you find you're
A dull fellow
Punching the same clock
Now, tell me, dear,
what does Mr. Gooch do?
Oh, my father
passed on.
Oh, no, no.
I mean your husband.
I'm a bachelor girl.
My baby's gonna
be a little bas...
Whenever they say you're
Slightly unconventional
Just put your thumb
Up to your nose
And show them how to
Dance to a new rhythm
Whistle a new song
Toast with a new vintage
The fizz doesn't
Fizz too long
There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay
Simply travel
A new highway
Dance to a new rhythm
Open a new window
Every day
Welcome, welcome!
Come on in, girls. Come on,
make yourselves at home.
You see, Agnes darling?
You're not alone.
Every year there are
hundreds of girls,
just like Agnes, who find
themselves expecting
and have no one
to turn to.
how theatrical of you.
All of these fallen angels
finding a haven
right here
in Beekman Place.
Oh, no, dear.
No, no.
This is much too big
for Beekman Place.
I bought some
property up in Mountebank.
What did you say?
What's that
about Mountebank?
Claude, Dorie,
I'm the one who bought
the lot next door to you.
I'm going to build
the Beauregard Burnside
Memorial Home
for Single Mothers.
Oh, won't it be wonderful,
all these girls romping on
the other side of
your wishing well?
take me home.
I thought you were one of us.
I should have known better.
Look! My aunt didn't
mean to offend anybody.
It's just that
she's so big-hearted
that naturally
when somebody's in trouble,
she just naturally has
to come to the rescue.
- Gloria.
- Let go of me.
Bow to your
mother and father,
just like your
Auntie Mame taught you.
That's very good, Peter.
Indeed it is.
Well, Auntie Mame,
you're off again.
In Russian, that means, "Our
sleigh is waiting at the gate."
Of course, my sleigh is
waiting at La Guardia.
And Ito's gone on ahead
with my trunks.
So would you be darlings
and give me a lift?
Of course.
I would love to
have you see me off.
Oh, Peter and I had
a divine weekend.
And we came up with
the most beautiful idea.
Oh, can't I go
with Auntie Mame?
Can't I, Mom?
Please, please?
No, darling,
I'm afraid not.
But the boy is deprived.
He's never even seen Siberia.
Auntie Mame, we said no,
and that's final.
Peter, when you have
a little boy
and he wants to take
a trip with Auntie Mame,
I hope you won't be as
antediluvian as your father.
What's "antediluvian,"
Auntie Mame?
Look, darling,
here's a pad and pencil.
I want you to
always write down
every word
you don't understand.
You know,
I am terribly upset.
We spent the entire day
at Abercrombie's.
Thanks, Auntie Mame, but it's
just out of the question.
You know what the trouble
with you two is?
You don't live.
Life's a banquet,
and most poor sons of bitches
are starving to death.
One thing you've
got to understand:
School begins
day after Labor Day.
He's gotta
be back by then.
Of course, Labor Day.
Sometime in November,
isn't it?
Oh, Peter,
I'm going to show you things
you never dreamed existed.
Open a new window
Open a new door
Travel a new highway
That's never
Been tried before
She hasn't changed.
She's the Pied Piper.
You came, you saw
You conquered
And absolutely nothing
Is the same
Your special fascination'll
Prove to be inspirational
We think you're
Just sensational