Man on the Moon (1999) Movie Script

[Mock Foreign Accent] | Hello.
I am Andy...
and I would like to thank you | for coming to my movie.
I wish it was better, | you know,
but... it is so stupid.
It's terrible. | I- I do not even like it.
All of the most important | things in my life...
a- a-are changed around | and mixed up...
for, um-
uh, dramatic purposes.
I decided to cut out...
all of the baloney.
Now the movie | is much shorter.
In fact,
this... is the end | of the movie.
Thank you very much.
I am not fooling.
[Needle Scratching Record]
[Orchestra Resumes]
[Needle Scratching]
- [Needle Scratching] | - [Distorted]
[Normal Voice] | Wow. You're still here.
O- kay!
I hope you're not upset.
I did that to get rid of those folks | who just... wouldn't understand me...
and don't even want to try.
Actually, the movie | is really great.
It's just filled | with colorful characters,
like the one I just did | and the one I'm doing now.
Our story begins...
back in Great Neck, | Long Island.
This is our house.
And that's | my father's old car.
That's my father.
That's my little brother | Michael.
That's my little sister | Carol.
- And that's my mom. | - [Man] Janice?
Andy's up in his room?
[Muffled Talking]
Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat | made his head fall off.
She saw it | And it's not true.
Today's special guest, | Mr. Bear.
- What's up, Mr. Bear? | - Andy?
[Door Closes]
Son, this has got to stop.
Our house is not | a television station.
There's not a camera | in that wall.
I mean, this is not healthy. | You should be outside playing sports.
But I have | my own sports show.
Andy, you know that's | not what I meant.
Look, I'm gonna put my foot down. | No more playing alone.
- You want to perform, you have got to have an audience. | - They're right there!
That is not an audience. | That is plaster.
An audience is made of people, | people who live and breathe.
Andy Kaufman | and Howdy Doody present...
"The Animal Song"!
I'm gonna say the animal, | and then you tell me what it says.
- Okay? | - Okay.
- Oh, the cow goes- | - Moo.
- And the cat goes- | - Meow! Meow!
And the bird goes-
- Tweet, tweet. | - Tweet, tweet!
And the lion goes-
[Low Voice]Roar!
- And the dog goes | - [Audience] Ruff.
- And the cat goes | - Meow.
- And the bird goes | - Tweet.
- And the pig goes | - Oink.
And that's the way | it goes
- [Man] The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman. | - Thank you.
So, Mr. Besserman, | same spot tomorrow?
[Sighs] I don't know, Andy. | I think I have to let you go.
You're firing me?
You- You don't | even pay me.
I don't want to seem insulting, | but your act is like amateur hour.
You're doing sing alongs for six-year-olds | and puppets that aren't funny.
- Playing records? | - But it's totally original.
No one's ever done it. | I'm not like everyone else.
Well, everybody else | gets this place cookin'.
I thought it was cooking. There was | a man over here that was really upset.
He stormed out, and a lot of other | people left in the middle of your act.
- I can't sell booze- - It's not | about comedy. It's not about art.
- It's about booze. | - I can't sell booze when you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel. "
- That's all that matters. | - I'm running a business here.
It's show business. | Show business. Show business.
Without the business, | there's no show.
- There's no show for you. | - Wh-What do you want me to do?
- "Take my wife, please"? | - At least it's a joke. Try some jokes.
Like, "Why did the Siamese twins | go to England?"
I don't know. | Why did they go to England?
So the other one | could drive.
But why doesn't the other one | just learn how to drive?
Whew. Maybe that one | isn't for you.
But do jokes about the traffic, | do impressions,
maybe some blue material.
[Audience Laughing]
Thank you very much. | Goodnight!
[Piano Continues]
- [Ends] | - Now?
- Now. | - [Scattered Applause]
[Mock Foreign Accent] | Thank you very much.
One thing I do not like...
is too much traffic.
You know?
Tonight | I had to come...
from... uh-
- [Man Laughs] | - A-And the freeway,
it-it was so much traffic.
I- It took me an hour | and a half to get here.
[Woman Laughing]
But- But...
talking about | the terrible things-
My wife- take my wife. | Please take her.
[Snorting Laugh] | No.
No. I am only fooling.
- [Scattered Laughter] | - [Andy Laughing]
I- I-I love my wife,
but she don't know | how to cook.
Her cooking is so bad.
- It's terrible. | - [Man Laughs]No.
Now I-I would like to-
I would like | to do for you...
the imitations.
I would like to start...
with the- | the Jimmy Carter.
The president | of the United States.
[Same Accent] | Hello, I am Jimmy Carter,
- [Scattered Laughter] | - the president of the United States.
[Audience Murmuring]
Thank you very much.
And now I would like | to do for you...
the Elvis Presley.
[Groaning, Laughing]
["Also Sprach Zarathustra"]
[Wolf Whistle]
[One Person Applauding]
[Audience Whistling, Applauding]
Well, it's one for the money two | for the show three to get ready
Now go, cat, go | Now, don't you
Step on my blue | suede shoes
Well, you can do anything but | lay off of my blue suede shoes
Let's go, cat!
Budd, what's the story | with this guy?
I think he's | from Lithuania.
Oh, blue, blue | blue suede shoes
Baby, blue, blue | blue suede shoes, honey
Blue, blue | blue suede shoes, baby
Blue, blue | blue suede shoes
You can do anything but lay | off of my blue suede shoes
Oh, well | we were dancin'
- [Cheering] | - We were dancin'
To the jailhouse rock
All right!
- [Cheering] | - [Repeated Chords]
[Final Chord]
[Cheering Continues]
- [Applause Quiets] | - [Foreign Accent] Thank you very much.
Hey, I really enjoyed your set.
I didn't mean to startle you. | I really liked what you did out there.
Thank you very much.
So I understand | you're from Lithuania.
No, I am from Caspiar.
Caspiar, huh?
It is a very small island | in the Caspian Sea.
It sunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. Uh- | [Clears Throat]
Look, uh, I'm probably | out of my mind,
but I think you're | very interesting,
and if you ever need representation, | we should talk.
"George Shapiro. " | [Normal Voice] Mr. Shapiro.
- It is an honor, sir. | - Caspiar, huh?
I wanna be the biggest star | in the world.
Well, people | love comedians.
I'm not a comedian. | I don't do jokes.
I don't even know what's funny. | I'm a song-and-dance man.
- Oh, yeah. | - Thank you.
Uh, I particularly suggest | the lotus root.
Um, but y-y-you, uh,
you know, you show | a lot of promise.
And my concern is | I don't know where to book you.
You're not a stand-up, | and, uh,
your act doesn't exactly | translate itself to film, so-
So help me. | Where do you see yourself?
Well, I've always wanted | to play Carnegie Hall.
[Laughing] | That's funny.
See, I don't want to go | for cheap laughs.
I want real gut reactions.
I want the audience | to have gone through an experience.
They love me, they hate me, | they walk out. It's all great.
- Andy, you got a little something- | - Hmm?
- Oh. | - [Blows Air Out Nose]
When I'm famous, | I'm gonna sell these,
as worn by Andy Kaufman.
You can have this one.
It's probably gonna be worth a lot | 'cause it was actually up my nose.
You're insane!
But you might also | be brilliant.
Hello. | George Shapiro here.
[Man On Speaker Phone] Uh... | yeah! Is this George Shapiro?
- Yeah, speaking. | - Speaking!
Reeking, seeking, creaking. | Freaking!
Big freaking deal! Tell me something | I don't know, toadstool!
Can I help you | with something?
Yeah, you can stay away from Andy | Kaufman, if you know what's good for you.
- Crankshaft! | - Who is this?
Do not twist my noodle, | toy poodle!
This is Tony Clifton, | a name to respect, a name to fear!
- Kaufman is a lying bastard. He is a psychopath! | - [Gong Sounds]
[Woman] | Now slowly open your eyes.
You should feel rested, | relaxed and alert.
Uh, I would like to thank you, | Your Holiness.
My heart is radiating | pure energy.
- Okay- | - Oh, no. Wait.
Wait. Uh- I'm sorry.
Uh, I have a question.
Is there-
Is there a secret | to being funny?
[People Chuckling]
- [Band: Upbeat] | - [Applause]
Welcome back | to Saturday Night Live.
And now, as a special treat | on our first show,
musical guest | Andy Kaufman!
[Man Laughs]
[Scattered Laughter]
What's wrong | with this guy?
[Man Laughing]
This is dead air.
[Record: Band]
[Men] Mr. Trouble never hangs around
When he hears | this mighty sound
- Here I come to save the day | - [Audience Laughing]
That means that Mighty Mouse | is on his way
Yes, sir, when there is | a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse | will join the fight
On the sea | or on the land
He gets the situation | well in hand
[Male Solo] So though we are | in danger we never despair
'Cause we know that where | there's danger he is there
- He is there on the land, on the sea | - [Scattered Laughter]
[Chorus] | In the air
- We're not worrying at all | - [Laughter]
We're just listening | for his call
- Here I come to save the day | - [Laughter, Applause]
That means that Mighty Mouse | is on the way
- Mr. Kaufman? | - Hmm? Oh.
Hi. Right this way, | please.
- Okay. | - George is expecting you.
- [Door Opens] | - Hey, Andy.
[Chuckles] | Hey.
- Thanks for coming out. | - Oh, thank you, George.
- Come on, sit down. | - Um, oh.
- Wow, they're- Which one? | - Either one.
- They're both red. | - Yeah.
This one, I guess.
- So did you have a nice flight? | - I-I did.
I had a really good flight, | and the stewardess was very, very nice.
And she allowed me | to keep my headphones.
- Oh, that's terrific! | - Yep. Mm-hmm.
Andy, | I got something better.
- You do? | - Yeah.
This is big.
- Okay? | - Okay.
You are getting | a once-in-a-lifetime,
very lucrative | opportunity...
to star on a prime time | network sitcom!
- A sitcom? | - Yeah.
And this is a class act.
It all takes place | in a taxi stand.
And you're gonna be | the Fonzie.
I'm... Fonzie?
No, no, no, no, no, no. | No, no.
The Fonzie, the crazy, | breakout character...
who all the kids | imitate,
and they put him | on the lunch boxes.
- I hate sitcoms, George. I've never liked them. | - Hold on.
- These guys have seen your foreign man character. | - Yeah?
And they wanna | turn him...
into a lovable, | goofy mechanic...
Latka. | [Chuckles]
- Uh, no. | - No?
- No. | - No to which part?
No to the whole thing. | It doesn't sound good to me.
- Andy, this is every comedian's dream! | - I'm not a comedian.
A- And sitcoms are the lowest | form of entertainment.
I mean, it's just...
stupid jokes | and canned laughter!
And you don't know why | it's there, but it's there.
It's dead people laughing. Did you | know that? Those people are dead!
This is- | This is classy.
I- I don't care.
I- I wanna generate | my-my own material.
Look, I-listen. | [Sighs] Listen to me.
Look, I've been in this business | for 20 years!
I know. I've seen this! | I know this.
If you pass up | this opportunity,
you will never, never see | another one like it again.
- Yeah. | - [Sighs]
- Okay. I'll do it. | - Ah.
- But I have some terms. | - Oh, sure.
That's- That's what | negotiations are all about.
- What are you doing? | - I'm writing out my terms.
Wh- What, are you | making fun of me?
- Those are my terms. | - Th-This is ridiculous.
It's what I need. | It's what I need to do the show.
Wh-What is this? It says, "Four | guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton. "
- Who's Tony Clifton? | - He's a Vegas lounge singer.
And, um, I used to do | impressions of him,
and we sort of got | into a fight over it.
- This Clifton called me. | - He did?
- He's a loon! He hates you. | - No, no, no.
He just talks tough, | but I owe him.
And if I'm the new Fonz,
then ABC is just gonna have to... | give me what I want!
[Imitating Fonzie] | Hey!
[George] Mr. Kaufman will only | appear in half the episodes of Taxi.
Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 | minutes of meditation prior to filming.
Uh, Mr. Kaufman gets | his own network special.
And, uh, Taxi | must guarantee...
four guest appearances | for Tony Clifton.
Who? Who?
Tony Clifton.
Who the hell | is Tony Clifton?
I don't know.
- [Band] | - [Man] And now-
- [Band] | - [Man] And now-
now Mama Rivoli's | is proud to present...
an international | singing sensation!
Ladies and gentlemen, | Mr. Tony Clifton!
- Ha! | - [Drum Roll]
Come on.
[Muffled Yelling]
[Angry Shouting]
[Tony] | All right, all right!
Ladies and gentlemen, | uh,
due to Mr. Clifton's vocal | constraints, out of respect for him,
he asks that | if you please extinguish...
your smoking material, | your cigars and cigarettes.
Goddamn! I paid ten bucks | for that cigar!
Uh, I'm sorry.
- Is he joking? | - And now,
ladies and gentlemen, | Mr. Entertainment,
Tony Clifton!
- [Angry Murmuring] | - [Man] What does he think he's doing?
[Sustains Note]
...lare, whoa
Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wantare | whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
No wonder | my happy heart sings
Your love | has given me wings
I got the wings | of a dove
I got the wings
- [Band Stops] - I got the | chicken wings from Kentucky Fried-
Whoop-de-doo, | whoop-de-di!
Stick a-a needle | in your eye!
- Oh, my God. | - Let's get somethin' straight, people.
I play big showrooms | in Vegas.
I need this place like I need | a shotgun blast to the face!
Now, let's go do wn andmeet | some ofthe audience.
All right.
How are you all doin'? | Where you from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | - [Scattered Laughter]
Whoa! Somebody's wearin' | a lot of perfume around here!
- Must be that time of the month, huh? | - [Audience Groaning]
Yeah, I know all the tricks. | How are you doin'?
You havin' a- You enjoyin' that | pasta carbonara?
- [Giggling] | - It appears that you are.
Whoops! Hey, look out! | I think you sat in some cottage cheese.
- Oh, pardon me. That's your ass. | - [Groans]
Aww! | [Choking, Groaning]
[Nervous Laughing]
How you doin'? | You enjoyin' the show?
- Yeah. | - Huh?
- Yeah. | - What's your name?
Bob! Bo-o-ob!
Bo-o-ob! Bo-o-ob!
- What's your last name? Up and down in the water? | - Ugh.
- Gorsky? That Polish? | - Yeah.
You tryin' to do | some Polish humor?
- No, that's, uh- | - Shut up!
- That's just my name. | - Shut up!
I do not appreciate, | uh, racial slurs!
I think them dumb Polacks | been ridiculed enough.
I do a clean show here.
You wanna see some humor? | Here's some humor right here.
Right there, okay? | Awww!
- [Audience Groans] | - Sit down and enjoy that, okay?
And you- Shapiro!
I'll see you backstage, baldy.
- [Band] | - ... lare
[People Chattering]
What do you want?
Just a little friendly conversation, | George.
- [Sighs] | - You hungry?
You look thin!
[Exhales] | Y- You-You-
Italiano, cacciatore | scallopini, pasta fazool
I don't understand | this act.
It's good, old-fashioned entertainment, | George. Everyone loves a villain.
- What about that poor schlub you humiliated? | - Hey, man, excellent show.
- That was a great show. | - Yeah, good show for you. Um, George.
This is, uh, my writer | and old friend Bob Zmuda.
Hey, George. | How are you? I'm Bob.
- He's very creative. | - Yes.
- I am the brains behind this operation. | - Dream on.
He once faked a lion escaping | from the Chicago Zoo.
This was fantastic, | George.
We got 40 actors tearin' through | the zoo, they're all screamin'.
- Closed the place down. | - "There's a fuckin' lion, man! A lion!"
- [Laughing] | - Your name's not Gorsky.
Don't believe everything | you hear, George.
This cannot leave | this room.
Do not write this down, | okay?
Tony Clifton | is Andy Kaufman.
And Andy Kaufman | is Tony Clifton.
They'll deny it up and down, | but believe me, it's true.
This is great business.
You get two Andy Kaufmans | for the price of one.
- Andy. Andy. | - What's up?
They said yes. | You're gettin' everything. Everything!
- [Game Theme Song] | - Bonus.
- Whatever you want. | - Bonus! Thank you very much.
- It was so good. | - I have to do Taxi, though, right?
- You gotta do Taxi. | - Okay.
[Audience Laughing]
[Foreign Man Accent] | Party time for Latka?
- Not until you take off those overalls. | - This is a good party.
No, no, Latka! | Listen to me. Listen to me.
There's a drug | in those cookies.
- [Gasps] No! | - [Laughter]
No. No!
- [Laughter] | - ["Taxi Theme Song"]
[Blubbering] | I have never been so emotional...
in all my life.
And this is for my mother, | and this is for my father!
And this is for | my grand father!
I hope you have | a small family.
[Rhythmic Shouting | In Mock Foreign Language]
[Babbling | In Mock Foreign Language]
[Continues, Spits]
- Ohh! | - Whee-ooh!
- Thank you very much. - Thank you | very much. - Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much! | - [Cheering]
- I'm gonna quit. | - What?
Every show is worse | than the last one.
Forty million people are watching | your ass every week, Kaufman.
- What do they know? | - Absolutely nothing! And that's the beauty.
Man, look, | it's credibility.
You make them love you now, | and then later on,
on your special, | you can fuck with their heads.
The sky is the limit, man.
Oh, yeah? | I don't care!
Sir, there's a problem | down on the Kaufman special.
- They say he's not following the technical requirements. | - Technical?
Thanks for coming | on my show.
Thanks for having me | on your show, Andy.
- [Andy] Right now, roll it! | - [Man] No.
It's my special! | I have creative control. Now roll it!
- No! | - Do it, man!
- [Laughs] Hey, Andy! Hi. | - Be careful, please.
Only positive energy allowed | beyond this point.
I've been hearing fabulous things | about the special.
What, did we hit | a little speed bump?
Mm-hmm, | and his name is Colin.
Kid Genius told me to mess | with the vertical hold.
- Show me. | - Show him.
Show him, Colin.
Thanks for having me | on your show, Andy.
Boy, it sure-
[Andy Giggling]
It'll be great. People will think | their TV is broken.
They'll get out of their chairs, | walk over to the TV,
twist the knobs, | call the TV store.
"I paid a lot of money | for that TV!"
They'll bang on the television, | but they won't be able to fix it!
Andy. Andy.
We don't want the viewers | to get out of their chairs.
But it's funny.
It's a practical joke.
The viewer must be able | to see the program.
But- But it's only | gonna be for 30 seconds.
- Five. | - Twenty.
- Okay, Andy. Ten seconds, huh? | - Ten seconds, okay.
- Okay. | - Okay.
- Ten seconds is all I really wanted. | - Ten seconds is perfect.
You know, Howdy, I've been watching you | since I was a little boy.
I didn't even know | what television was.
Oh, look at how cute he is, huh? | Isn't this great?
- That is so moving. | - [Andy] You're as real as anyone else on the show.
And I love you. | I really do.
This is not funny.
This is artsy-fartsy shit. | I mean, what-
This is the magical part of the show. | The show's not all like this.
It's hysterical. | It gets very funny.
For Christ's sakes, we're the number | one network. Can't we afford a decent TV?
No, no, no, th-that's | part of the show.
- This is part of the show? | - Yes.
What do you mean, | it's part of the show?
Th-That's the way Andy wants it, | with the rolling.
[Howdy Doody] Thanks, Andy. | I love you too.
Tell Kaufman this network | will never air this program.
Hey, that's | Andy Kaufman.
Do you wanna bet?
Hey. Hey.
Hey, excuse me. | Are you Andy Kaufman?
I get that all the time.
This is ridiculous.
Take off that apron.
No. I'd rather work here | than at ABC.
- Ah, I'm sorry. They're a bunch of assholes. | - Yeah.
We work in a creative business. There's no | telling what people are gonna like or dislike.
The only reason why I did Taxi- | the only reason-
was so that I could | have my own special.
I know. | I'll tell you what.
Let me book you | some colleges now,
and then I'll take | the special around.
I'll show it to people | and see if anybody wants to buy it.
We'll have a garage sale. | No, I'm over and out.
- You know, you're not over and out. | - I am over and out.
- You can't be over and out. | - I'll show you over and out.
You've got a deal with ABC. | You've gotta honor it.
All right. How much longer's left | on my contract?
You signed for five years, | so...
- four years and seven months. | - [Groans]
Thank you.
It's really great | to be here.
We're gonna have | a great show tonight.
- Really good one! | - [Cheering]
We're gonna- We're gonna start | by singing some songs.
- Do Latka! | - [Man] Yeah, Latka!
Come on, Latka!
[Audience Cheering, | Shouting "Latka"]
[Chanting] | Latka! Latka! Latka!
- Latka! Latka! | - Excuse me for one second.
- I saw that. | - What?
- Give me the book. | - What book? No, I'm not going to give you the book.
- Is something wrong? | - No, everything's okay. Fine.
- Can I squeeze your nuts? Thanks. | - Ohh!
They're askin' for it.
Ladies and gentlemen, | since you're such a...
special audience-
- [Cheering] | - Yeah!
I'm going to reveal | for the very first time,
ever, the real me.
- [Cheering] | - That's right.
Ahem. [British Accent] | I'm actually British.
And though I dabble in clowning, | I do find it so boorish,
so... American.
I prefer the fine arts, | henceforth, today...
I am going to grace you | with a reading...
of one of the greatest | novels ever written,
The Great Gatsby | by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
[Scattered Laughing]
"In my younger | and more vulnerable years,
my father gave me some advice that I've | been turning over in my mind ever since.
'Whenever you feel like | criticizing anyone,' he told me,
- [Man] Latka! | - 'just remember that all the people of this world...
- Latka! | - haven't had the advantages that you've had. '
But he'd always been unusually | communicative in a reserved way,
- [Shouting] | - and I understood that he meant...
- a great deal more than that. " | - [Shouting Continues]
[Audience Quiets, Laughing]
[As Latka] | Thank you very much.
[All] | Yeah!
- "In consequence, | - [Moaning]
I'm inclined | to reserve all judgments,
- a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me... | - [Booing]
and also made me the victim | of not a few veteran bores. "
- Oh, come on! | - No, no. No, no.
No, no, please keep it down. | We've got a long way to go.
"They were the same people,
or at least the same sort of people, | the same profusion of-"
I tell you what.
Would you rather I kept reading, or do | you prefer to hear the phonograph record?
[All] | Record!
- I'm sorry. I can't hear you. | - Record!
- Are you positive? | - Yeah!
- Very well then. | - [Man] Yeah, "Mighty Mouse"!
[Andy, British Accent] "His presence gave | the evening it's quality of oppressiveness.
It stands out in my memory from | Gatsby's other parties that summer. "
The green light, | the orgiastic future...
that year by year recedes before us. | [Clears Throat]
[Hoarse Voice] Tomorrow- | [Clears Throat]
Tomorrow | we will run faster,
stretch our arms out | further,
and one fine morning,
so we beat on, | boats against the current,
borne back ceaselessly...
into the past. "
The end.
All right!
[George] | You wanna play Arizona State?
You give 'em Mighty Mouse. | You give 'em Elvis.
- I-I gave them The Great Gatsby. | - Yes.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work. | - A classic.
- His finest piece of work. | - I don't care.
Andy, you have to look inside | and ask this question.
Who are you trying | to entertain?
The audience | or yourself?
- Excuse me. | - [Clears Throat]
- Ah. | - [Door Closes]
- Bob. Bob, I'm-I'm- | - What, George?
I'm worried about Andy.
This is not good. His stress level | is affecting his work.
Calm down, George. | That's not gonna help anything.
Look, uh,
Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi | next week.
That should, uh, let him blow | off steam and relieve the stress.
- Bob, Bob, Bob. | - Okay?
Andy needs to relax. | This is your job.
- You have to take him away from all of this. | - My job.
- Would you come on? | - [Muttering] Okay.
- Hi. How are you doin' today? | - Fine.
- Hello. Nice to meet you. | - Nice to meet you.
- How are you? | - Peachy.
- What do- What do we do now? | - Now you pick.
But what if I... | hurt somebody's feelings?
For Christ's sake, you're not | gonna hurt anybody's feelings.
They're- They're all professionals. | All right?
All right. | Which one?
[German Accent] | I will have both!
I will have this fraulein | und the one with the big strudels.
Mach schnell, | mach schnell!
Oh, no. Zmuda, | I'm gonna kill you.
Excellent choice.
- Hi. | - Hi.
Are you having | a good day?
[Clears Throat] | It's kind of a big day.
It's my buddy's first time | with a prostitute.
What are you talkin' about? | Andy comes here almost every weekend.
Who, Andy?
Oh, he doesn't always | call himself that.
Sometimes he's Tony, | and he wears a tux.
- Yeah | - Oh, ho!
- [Giggling] | - [Grunting]
Hey, um,
if- if I gave you both...
three hundred dollars,
would you, um,
come to Hollywood and help me | destroy a TV show?
Five hundred.
[Loud Crashing, Muffled Shouting]
What am I, Harry Houdini, huh?
Oh, we busted through. | Come on, girls.
Welcome to | the Follies "Bree-gere. "
- Okay, here's the man. Tony Clifton. | - Taxi, laxy.
- Just the factsy, Maxie. | - Hi.
Hey, hot shot. | How you doin'?
- Ed Weinberger. | - Take a hike! Okay, all right, huh?
All right.
- What are we doin', huh? | - Here's your script, uh, Tony.
- That's the script I was given? | - Yeah.
That's the one I have to do? | Okay, let me see.
Okay, bullshit, bullshit, | my line.
Bullshit, bullshit, | my line.
Ohh! Ha-ha!
That's hilarious! | That is hilarious!
I reviewed that script last night | and I was not satisfied.
- Yeah, well- | - I was not satisfied.
- Why don't we- | - So I made a few changes.
I stayed up all night | with these sweet ladies right here.
This is Lemonade.
- That'll keep you going on a hot day. | - Can we get to work?
And this is Melonia. | How's my little produce department?
Honk, honk, honk, | honk, honk.
This is the new Taxi | theme song.
[Tuneless Humming]
Oh, yes | we drive a taxi
[High-pitched] | Aaaah!
Now, I can't afford | to blow this whole episode, so...
we have to let him go.
I'm not sure how Andy's | gonna take this.
We'll just have to | go down and tell him.
But-But that's Tony down there. | It's not Andy.
I don't give a fuck who that is. | I'm gonna fire him.
Okay. All right.
But we better | warn Andy first.
He's up in San Francisco | doin' a concert.
- I'll call my secretary. | - [Dial Tone Hums]
Diane, this is George.
- I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco. | - [Diane] Okay.
- I'll patch you through. | - I'll wait.
- [Andy] Hello. | - Andy, I'm gonna put you on the speaker.
- Hello, Andy. Hi. | - Hello?
- I'm here with Ed over at Taxi. | - Hi, Ed.
- Hi, Andy. | - How are you?
- I'm fine. | - Good.
- Andy, there's been some trouble with Tony. | - Oh, no.
Did- Did he get hurt?
- [Both] No. | - Andy, it's nothing like- No.
- Did he hurt someone else? | - No, no. It's not that.
Andy, uh, the reason | I'm calling you like this...
is I have the utmost respect | for your artistry.
Well, may I say that I've | always appreciated that, Ed.
Thank you, but you see, | in this instance, um,
I have to ask your | permission to fire Tony.
Oh, my.
George, this | is gonna kill Tony.
- He's waited for this his whole life. | - There'll be other shots.
Yeah, we have to do this. | He's just a terrible actor.
Okay, but please, | let him down gently.
Trust us.
Fuck you! | I'm not goin'!
We had a deal.
I don't know who you talked to. | I didn't talk to anybody.
- You must have talked to someone else! | - I was talkin' to Andy Kaufman!
- I don't know no Andy Kaufman! | - Okay.
- Security, get in here! | - [A ll Shouting]
[Ed] | Security!
- [Crashing] | - Aah.
- [Shouting] | - [Metal Clangs]
[Shouting Continues]
[George] | Don't hurt him!
- He's a talented man! | - I don't want any pictures leaving this set.
Hey, give me that! This is Zmuda! | He's one of 'em!
- You guys ever go to Vegas, | - Yeah, yeah.
you're not gettin' in!
Hey, come back! | Give me the camera! Come here!
- Give me the camera! | - What?
I got 20 bucks says | you work for me now!
I would like | to use the phone!
- Not on the lot, sir. | - How 'bout a bathroom? I may have shit my pants.
- Drink of water? Aspirin? | - Nope.
- Moist towelette? | - No.
In that case, it has been an honor. | "Good-bee"!
[Laughing] | This is great!
This is too much, man.
It makes Tony real, | gives him three dimensions.
It's good for his career, | George.
Oh, really? You wanna book Tony Clifton | at Harrah's Tahoe.
I know the college kids | really like Andy Kaufman.
No, no, no. L-Look, Gene, | let me be really clear about this.
If you book Tony, | do not expect to get Andy.
Yeah, yeah, well, | I'll take my chances, all right?
- [Chuckling] | - [Sighs]
All right. | Be my guest. Book him.
[Low Murmuring, | Silverware Clattering]
Shut up!
Shut the hell up, | all of ya!
You make one more sound, I'll come down | there and put your frickin' head in the soup!
When I go like this, | it means I-I expect total silence!
There is an artiste | on stage.
That's better.
- Oh, whether I'm right | - [Laughter]
Or whether I'm wrong
Oh, whether I find | a place in this world
Or never belong
I've got to be me
I've gotta be me
Willing to try | to do it or die
Yaah! Hah! | Aah!
- [Gasping] | - What?
[Tony] | Thank you very much!
Thank you. | I do all my own stunts.
I've got to be
[Voice Breaks] | Eeee
What the hell's | goin' on?
- Kaufman? | - [High-pitched Babbling]
Kaufman's crappin' | on my act!
[Babbling | In Different Octaves]
Where's it say Kaufman's | in the act?
[Babbling, Sobbing]
[Babbling, | Low Squawking]
- May I borrow this for a second? | - Oh, no.
[Laughter, Cheering]
- No! | - [Gasping]
Ah, now you are | all wet, huh?
You look like you could use | a little drink up there.
Why don't you go on, | get out of here!
- [Audience Booing] | - Why don't you just take off, Kaufman!
Get out of here, | little drummer boy!
- Stay! | - [Booing]
- I've got to be | - Don't leave, Andy! Come back!
[High Note, Voice Breaks] | Eeee
- Go home! | - Volare
- Whoa-oh | - [Booing Continues]
Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa | wantare
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Uhh! Ah!
Jesus Christ. | Close the goddamn door. Close it!
Oh. Look at you.
You're so proud.
You're like some stupid kid | who comes home from school-
"Look, Dad, | I got an 'F.'"
But wasn't it funny?
"Yes, it was funny, Andy. | It was. "
Yes, it was funny | for a little while,
until the audience realized | that Tony wasn't you.
Oh. Mmm. | Ohhh!
So what do you have here?
A big, elaborate joke that's only funny | to two people in the universe-
you and you.
Yeah, sure, George, yeah, and we | happen to think that it's hilarious.
- [Yells] | - [Yells]
But what's the point? | What is the point?
It's fun, George!
How is this gonna make you | the biggest star in the world?
George... | [Clears Throat]
at this point the audience expects me | to completely shock them all the time.
But short of faking my own death | or setting the theater on fire,
I don't know | what else to do.
'Cause I've always gotta be | one step ahead of them.
It's like ballet. Whoa!
Did you see that?
- Bam! | - [Grunts]
[Commentator] | ... dropped to the canvas-
These guys are brilliant. I wanna be | a bad guy wrestler in the worst way.
I hate to break it to you, but the problem | here is you don't have the build for it.
These guys are huge.
They would kick your ass.
Maybe I can pick on someone | a little smaller than me.
No, no. Women are superior to men | in many ways.
- [Cheering] | - That's right.
- When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing potatoes, | - [Jeering, Shouting]
scrubbing the carrots, | making the babies,
mopping the floors,
they have it | all over men.
But when it comes | to wrestling-
- [Booing] | - Shut up!
Be quiet | when a man is talking!
[Booing, Shouting Continues]
If there is a woman here tonight who | can come up here and prove me wrong,
I will shut my mouth | and pay her $500.
- [Cheering, Yelling] | - I can do it!
[Woman] | Right here!
First come, | first served!
[Andy] Come on! | You wanna take me?
[Bob] | Come on up here.
- What's your name, sweetheart? | - Lynne.
Lynne. We got Lynne | as a volunteer.
- Lynne, sweetheart, pay attention. | - You're pathetic!
We'll see about that, | Suzy Q
I want no kicking, biting, scratching, | head butts. Do you understand?
- Why? He's gonna play fair? | - lam not concerned with him.
- He is a professional. | - It's up to you to pin me.
- Yes, I understand. | - Very good. Could we please shake hands.
- Oooh! | - [Audience Booing]
[Bob] Come out wrestling | when you hear the bell.
- [Ring] | - [Audience Continues Shouting, Booing]
[Lynne Yells]
You see? | You see this?
[Both Grunting]
Yeah! Whoa!
Hey, no choke holds! | I told you!
Yeah! | Come on!
I said, break it up, | Kaufman!
- First warning! | - For what?
You pulled her hair! You won't | be getting a second warning!
- [Audience Yelling, Booing] | - Shut up!
I am the champion! | No woman can beat-
- Ohh! | - [Lynne Groaning]
- Ohh! | - Come on! Ohh!
One! Two!
Three! That is it!
It is over! It is over! | That is it!
You are out! | You are down!
The winner and undisputed intergender | wrestling champion of the world,
Andy Kaufman!
I am the winner!
I've got the brains!
[Booing, Yelling Continue]
[Clucking Melody From | "Lucia Di Lammermoor"]
[Clucking Continues]
- Ma'am, here is your complimentary photo of Merv. | - Thank you.
- And your Turtle Wax. | - I don't want Turtle Wax.
Every guest of Merv | takes Turtle Wax.
- And here is your gift voucher to Red Lobster. | - Thank you so much.
Hey, hey, hey. I just wanted to | thank you for doing such a great job.
- I really appreciate it. | - Don't patronize me.
- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | - What?
I hope you don't take | everything I did in there seriously.
It's just | part of the show.
It's like the old days | of the carnival barker...
when he'd get the crowd | all riled up.
So you just pretend | to be an asshole?
That's what I'm good at.
Yeah, you are.
You are really, really good at it. | You are.
Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces | of hate mail.
[Giggles] | Don't make me laugh, George.
Andy, Merv does not | get hate mail.
That means | we're a success.
We got the room all worked up, | like punk rock.
They detest you.
The next time you make an appearance, | women are gonna picket.
Do you think so?
Yes, because you have not given them | any clues that this is a parody.
That's because I've only done it once. | They'll get used to it.
Because I'm gonna do it | again and again...
- and again and again and | again and again- - [Bell Rings]
[Andy] | Oh, Rose Marie
- I love you | - [Woman Screaming]
- I'm always dreaming | - [Screaming]
Of you
No matter what I do
- Aaah! | - No matter what I do
- I can't forget you | - [Groaning]
Sometimes | I wish that I'd
Never met you
- [Screaming] | - [Grunting]
And yet if I
Should lose you
- Time out! | - [Woman Yells]
It would mean | my very life
- What's your problem? | - To me
All right, | you are out of here!
Of all the queens | that ever lived
- [Bell Rings] | - I choose you
To rule me
- My Rose Marie | - Two adults, please. Thank you.
- You want some popcorn? | - Um, no, thank you.
I really want one.
Um, a large tub of popcorn, please. | Extra butter.
Why did you call me? You are the | last person I expected to call me.
Gosh, uh- | Gee, Lynne, I mean-
I was just so impressed | with your wrestling moves.
Yeah, you're impressed | with something.
- You had a huge boner on national television. | - Oh, man!
- Yes, you did! | - Come on.
I had it taped down | and everything.
I hope | I didn't offend you.
I'm here, aren't I?
Hey, wanna go to Memphis | and get married?
Do I wanna go to Memphis | and get married?
- Mm-hmm. | - Wh- [Giggles]
Why Memphis?
Because Memphis is the wrestling capital | of the world.
I'll get up in the ring...
and I'll announce that I'll marry | the first woman who beats me.
Then you can get up, we'll wrestle, | I'll let you win-
- You'll let me win? | - I'll let you win. I'll let you.
Then we'll run off and get married | on the David Letterman show.
- God! | - Okay?
What do you say?
Is this for real?
- Shut up! | - Boo!
- Shut up! | - [Crowd Jeering, Yelling]
I demand silence | when I am talking!
Total lack of respect | from Mr. Hollywood-
If there is one woman here tonight | who thinks she can defeat me,
that lucky little lady...
will get to marry me!
Let me ask you, folks | - What kind of man would wrestle a woman anyway?
- Kaufman! | - Oooh.
- Whoo! | - I'll take you on, you sissy.
Whoa! The little lady is upset!
Well, let me tell you something, | baby.
Go back to the kitchen | where you belong before you get hurt.
You get in the kitchen, | 'cause I'm gonna make you do my dishes!
[Man]Hey! | Stop it! Stop it!
- This woman is a fake! | - [Crowd Goes Silent]
She's nothing more | than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend.
What? | Well, there you go.
- That's not true! That's not true! | - [Booing, Jeering Resume]
[Woman] Faker!
- That is not true! | - Oh, yeah, that's true. This is all a setup.
I'm not gonna allow you to make fools | out of all these people.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Jerry Lawler, | the king of Memphis wrestling!
- He's the King. | - [Cheering, Shouting]
Hey, Kaufman,
if you wanna | wrestle somebody,
I brought a real wrestler.
She's trained, | and she's ready!
Let's see if you can handle | Foxy Jackson!
- [Cheering Intensifies] | - [Commentator] Oh, my!
Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman | right here, one-on-one!
I never agreed to this! | I will not do this!
Lawler, I did not agree to this. | This is against the rules!
[Commentator] I don't think that | Kaufman is prepared for Foxy Jackson.
- Kick his butt! | - Mr. Hollywood.
Again, Kaufman showing | a total lack of respect.
Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman | to the woodshed, folks.
Kaufman's hangin' on the ropes | like a little baby.
Foxy's about to take Kaufman | right out of his shorts!
[Shouting, Cheering Continue]
- One, two- | - Can you believe it?
- I got her! | - Get off of her!
[Commentator] | Get him off of her. Come on!
Now there goes the King.
Oh, the King just threw Kaufman down | like a rag doll!
The King took matters | into his own hands!
What are you doing?
I do not wrestle men!
I am gonna sue you, | Lawler!
I am a national TV star,
and I don't like | dumb, stupid crackers...
coming in the ring, | pushing me around!
I did not agree to wrestle you! | I did not agree!
This is assault | and battery,
and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers | to sue you...
and your children | and your children's children.
Let me tell you something, | Kaufman.
Wrestling's | a very serious sport to me,
and I don't appreciate some jerk | like you trying to make fun of it.
And I certainly don't appreciate a jerk like | you trying to make fun of people from the South!
So we can go to court,
or you can get in the ring with a man | and wrestle for real!
Oh, you wanna | "rassle" me?
You wanna "rassle" me | Memphis style?
Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Lawler | - I am gonna make you scream for mercy!
[Crowd Continues Shouting]
[Bell Ringing]
Come on, Kaufman!
They didn't know | what hit them! Oh!
Is it an act? | Is it an act?
Or are you just addicted | to causing trouble?
I can quit | anytime I want, baby!
You know what? | I'm not a prop.
Don't ever treat me | like that again.
I'm sorry. | Hey. Hey.
Uh, I just get caught up, | that's all.
Sometimes I get lost.
Please, Andy, | enough with the wrestling.
You don't think | I can beat him?
He's the Southern heavyweight champion. | He'll kill you.
I don't know.
I've wrestled women bigger than him, | and I've mopped the floor with them.
First you piss off women. | Then you piss off the South.
Then you get killed, | and I did the booking.
Listen, I got this job | that I want you to take.
It's guest-hosting | the TV show Fridays.
It's not a great TV show, | but it'll be good for you.
It's live, | they'll give you carte blanche...
and you get back in the business | of making people laugh.
- You said live? | - Live.
I don't do drug humor.
Andy, it's fine. | This is what the show is all about.
Kids love this stuff.
I don't do drugs, | and I don't enjoy making light of them.
I was promised | creative control.
Nobody promised you | creative control.
I got you the script three days ago, and | you haven't said a damn word until today.
We're going live in a few minutes. | It's too late.
Let's go! | Bring the audience in!
- [Announcer] Live from the Los Angeles Basin, | - Janice, it's on!
it's Fridays!
Special Guest Star: | Andy Kaufman!
[Man] In this sketch, two | married couples are out to dinner.
Everybody has secretly | brought along a joint.
[Audience Laughs]
Carl was the last one to sneak to | the bathroom to get a little high,
and now he's coming | back to the table.
[Audience Cheering, Applauding]
Gee, restaurants are amazing, | aren't they?
Strangers sitting around, stuffing | dead animals into their faces.
- It's incredible, isn't it? | - [Laughs]
Yeah, gee,
and... the bathrooms...
are... so... | colorful-
[Smattering Of | Studio Audience Laughter]
[Coughing, Nervous Chuckling]
Everything okay... Carl?
I'm sorry. | I- I just... can't do it.
I- I can't play stoned.
Read the cue cards.
I can't play stoned.
I- I feel... stupid.
You feel stupid? | What about us?
[Gasping, Murmuring, | Nervous Giggles]
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. | - [Audience Continues Murmuring, Giggling]
- [Gasps] | - Andy.
[Cheering, Laughing]
You didn't have to do that.
- [Audience Gasping] | - Cut it out!
Oh- You jerk!
Okay, that's it. | Go to commercial now.
- I told you I didn't want to do this sketch. | - Kaufman, get off my stage.
[All Gasping]
Don't you touch me! | You're a nut!
- Break it up! | - A nut!
- Settle down. | - [Scuffling Continues]
Oh, why does Andy do that? | Why? Why?
I started using Suave-
We've gone | to commercial!
- [Man] Excuse me! | - You're never gonna work at ABC again!
Excuse me! | Ladies and gentlemen, please.
You have all just participated | in a happening.
[Cheering, Applause]
Now, okay, you know,
to make it real, some of you down there knew | what was going on and some of you didn't.
But we don't want | to upset the folks at home,
so now Andy is going to tell them | that it was all just a prank.
- [Applause] - [Woman] Coming | back from commercial, and-
[Applause Quiets]
During | the commercials,
the people at ABC told me | to explain to you...
that this whole fight episode | was staged.
- Oh, good. | - It's a lie!
- It's a cover-up! | - [Audience Laughing]
Why are you laughing? I don't | understand. I'm not being funny now.
What you saw was real!
No, these | - these things happen all the time at the networks, only they cut away.
- Cut to commercial. | - You see?
You see?
For sure they're gonna fire me, so if you want | to see me again you'll have to come to Memphis-
- Ho ho ho Green Giant | - What's in Memphis?
The Giant's flavor-tight pouch | Lets you-
That kid is totally meshuga.
[Crowd Screaming, Cheering]
- ["Theme From Rocky"] | - [Announcer] Jerry Lawler!
- [Continues] | - [Ring Announcer] The most popular athlete...
in the history | of Memphis, Tennessee,
stepping inside | a squared circle.
At 236 pounds,
Jerry "The King" Lawler!
- [A Cappella: "March And Fanfare"] | - And introducing,
at 191 pounds,
[Booing, Jeering]
the holder of the world | intergender championship,
here is Andy Kaufman!
[Commentator] You can hear the ovation, | or lack of one, for Andy Kaufman.
The cheers turned to jeers.
Lawler is gonna settle a score | for each and every one of us,
because we've all been insulted by this | hideous Andy Kaufman from Hollywood, California.
The referee | assigned to this bout-
[Booing, Jeering Continue]
Before we begin this event,
I just want to say a couple of things | to you disgusting people!
[Commentator] Oh, come on. | That's just not right.
Are you listening to me?
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a bar of soap.
- [Jeering Intensifies] | - Say it with me.
"Soap. "
All you have to do is | wet this bar of soap...
and wipe your hands | with it...
and rub it on your body,
and soon that disgusting, | filthy dirt will come off!
Why is he | saying these things?
He's just engaging the audience. | He's riling them up.
They are going | to lynch him.
And now | for lesson two!
This is toilet paper!
[Commentator] | Oh, good grief!
- You just- | - [Cheering Intensifies]
I'm gonna tell you something, Kaufman | - we've had enough of your crap!
Let's do what we came here to do. | Let's wrestle right now!
[Commentator] Well, here we go. | The King is ready.
And I hope, for Kaufman's sake, | he's ready.
- [Bell Rings] | - [Crowd Chanting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[Commentator] Kaufman's due a | trip to the old woodshed here.
Now, I never thought | I'd see the day that-
Yeah, look at Kaufman.
Yeah, Kaufman doesn't | want any part of Lawler.
He's an absolute embarrassment to | humanity, this man from Hollywood.
You see? | I am from Hollywood!
- Who cares? | - I have the brains!
[Commentator] | Nobody cares where you're from!
I'm the king | I'm the king
I'm the king | of Memphis, Tennessee
Andy, please, | let's go home!
Don't worry, Mom. | I'll make you proud.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Uh-oh, | Kaufman got nailed with something.
- Some fan threw something. | - Who did that?
Who did that?
- You cannot touch me! I will sue you! | - Hey, Kaufman!
- I make more money in one day than you do... | - Kaufman!
in your entire lives | combined!
Did you come down here to wrestle | or act like an ass?
Now get in the ring. I'll give | you a free headlock. Okay? Come on!
[Commentator] Lawler seems to be willing | to offer a free hold of some kind.
No, no. | Drop it now, Andy!
It's okay! | It's okay!
Let Kaufman get in there, | and let's see what kind of man he is.
One, two, three-
- I can't believe that the King is gonna go through with this. | - [Bell Rings]
That big-mouth son of a gun | has got a free headlock!
Business | may pick up here.
I did it! | This is for real!
Uh-oh. | Oh, look out, Kaufman!
Oh, there he goes! | Oh, my!
Kaufman in trouble!
Look out! Look out!
The King folded him up | like an accordion that time.
Now the King | is asking this crowd...
if they want to see | the pile driver.
That's illegal.
Kaufman is out of it!
Oh, my! | Oh, my!
- It's gonna be a pile driver! | - [Bell Ringing]
There it is!
Oh! Andy!
[Commentator] | He's hurt bad.
- That's an automatic disqualification | right there. - Lawler, you-
Well, Kaufman wins it, but he | doesn't look like a winner right now.
- Come on! | - Keep it clear. Keep it clear.
- Hey, George. | - Hey, Lorne.
- Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. | - Oh, please.
Right, I wanted to | talk to you about, uh,
putting Andy back | on Saturday Night Live.
[Sighs] I don't know whether Andy | works on the show anymore.
- I mean, the wrestling | stuff is- - Yeah, yeah.
- Just, I think it's worn- | - The wres-
Yeah, we all agree, uh, | completely about the wrestling.
That's smart.
Yeah, uh-
- Andy is very sincere. | - Right.
He's gonna apologize to Jerry Lawler and | repent for all his bad guy shenanigans.
I apologize for all the wrestling | I've ever done.
I'm sorry for all the grief | I've ever given.
I was just playing bad guy wrestler, | you know. It's just a role. It's not me.
So, I guess Jerry | just, um,
um, took it personally.
Yeah, but, uh, I mean, you said | some pretty inflammatory things.
Right. Everything's a joke to | this guy. Just like that thing.
- I don't know if that's a neck brace or a flea collar. | - That's not true.
This is serious. | I went to the hospital.
I was in the hospital | three days, in traction.
I'll tell you | something else.
My father said I could've hired a lawyer | and sued you for everything you've got.
But I didn't because | I'm not that kind of guy.
[Smattering Of Audience Laughter]
- What kind of guy are you? | - [Audience Gasping]
[Audience Laughing]
Tell you what- I think maybe | I'll get a lawyer here.
If you were a man, | you'd apologize to me right now.
But you're just | poor white trash,
so I guess that's too lofty | a concept for you.
I mean, | what are you gonna do-
[Audience Screams, Gasps]
[Audience Murmuring]
Are we, uh- Is everything- | Are you okay? Huh?
This- I'm sick | of this shit, Lawler.
I'm gonna sue you for everything | you've got, I swear to God.
Fuck you! Okay? | Okay, Lawler?
Fuck you! | I'm sorry, Dave.
I know I'm not supposed | to say those things on television.
I apologize. | I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But you, you are a [Bleep] | m- [Bleep]- ing [Bleep]- hole!
- [Audience Murmuring, Gasping] | - Well-
- Well- | - [Smattering Of Applause
- I, uh- | - [Door Slams]
I, I think you can use | some of those words on television,
but what you can't do | is throw coffee.
Some of us | at Saturday Night Live...
think Andy Kaufman's | a comic genius.
But others disagree.
They say he's | just not funny anymore.
So we're leaving | the decision up to you.
To keep Andy, | call 1-900-555-7618.
To dump him-
This is bad.
I, um, only got 28%.
This is Saturday Night Live, | the hippest audience in television.
They turned on you.
Look, it pains me | to say this,
but I don't think you two guys should | ever work together again.
I'm sorry, George. | We just thought it was funny.
You don't have to be sorry, | Jerry.
You're- You're terrific.
You're just the best.
I wouldn't have traded it | for anything.
To me, this was a shining | moment for wrestling.
Me too. And-
And it was a shining moment | for behavioral science.
Hey, well- But why can't I make | a gag out of this?
I mean, maybe I could go on the show | and I could say...
it was rigged | and I demand a recount.
Andy, | you don't understand.
They don't | want you back.
[Andy] | Now close your eyes.
If the thoughts of this world come | into your head, don't be upset by them.
It's just your stress | unraveling itself.
Just slowly | come back to the mantra.
[Woman] Andy?
Just continue your meditation. | I'll be back.
- Jai Guru Dev. | - Jai Guru Dev.
Hi, Andy.
This is, uh,
very difficult | for me to say.
Uh, but we-
we feel that it's best...
if you don't attend | the retreat.
I go to the retreat | every year.
Oh, I know, Andy,
and we don't doubt your devotion | to Transcendental Meditation.
It's just that we feel that, | well, you and the program...
have, uh, | g- grown apart, uh-
"Philosophically"? | What's "philosophically"?
Well, Andy, the wrestling, | the sexist remarks, the foul language,
they're just not becoming of an | individual of spiritual enlightenment.
It seems you just | don't respect anything.
Of course I do.
I just- I think of the world | as, as an illusion,
and we shouldn't take ourselves | so seriously.
- [Sighs] | - Don't-
do this.
You've got to let me attend these | classes. It's what keeps me balanced.
I- It's apparently | not working.
Then, then help me. | Help me, okay? Guide me.
Andy... | [Sighs]
we just don't wish | your presence here.
[Knock On Door, Door Opens]
I brought you | some Haagen-Dazs.
I don't deserve | Haagen-Dazs.
I'm- I'm a badperson.
You aren't a bad person.
You are | a complicated person.
You don't know the real me.
There isn't a real you.
Oh, yeah. | I forgot.
[Whispers] | Baby.
Do you want to move in | with me?
Say it again.
Oh, Rose
I love you
I'm always
Dreaming of you
[Phone Rings]
- I'll get it. | - [Ringing Continues]
Kaufman and Marguiles | Center for Sexual Research.
Andy, it's George.
Hey, George. I'm not sure | we can do anything for you.
Yeah. Uh, Andy, uh, | I got some crummy news.
Taxi's been canceled.
And the crummy news?
[George Chuckles]
Do you want me to come over, | we'll talk about it?
Um, no. | I'm sorta busy right now.
I'll see you next week, | though.
- [Chair Scooting On Floor] | - [Lynne] Put it right there.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, | a treat for staying late,
please welcome, from Taxi, | the Improv's own Mr. Andy Kaufman!
Actually, Bud, | you're wrong.
I found out today that Taxi | has been canceled.
- What? | - [Smattering Of Laughter]
Not to mention | that my wife left me,
and she took the kids.
I don't understand why you're laughing. | I'm not joking.
And then this morning I got up | and I noticed that I have, um,
a cyst | or some kind of boil...
on the back of my neck.
Look. | [Groans]
- See? | - [Audience Groaning, Laughing]
So I was thinking, since I'm still | kind of a quasi-celebrity,
that maybe I could charge people | to touch it.
Would anybody like to pay | a dollar to touch my cyst?
I'm serious. I could really use | the money right now.
It's a good deal. | [Coughing]
[Coughs, Clears Throat]
Oh, okay.
Oh, wait, no. | You gotta pay first.
[Audience Chuckling]
It's a dollar...
to touch my celebrity cyst.
- Oww! | - [Audience Groaning]
[Smattering Of Applause]
- Thank you. | - You're welcome.
Thank you very much. | [Sighs]
W- Would Andy | like to tell us...
why he called us out | at 4:00 in the morning?
Um... | [Sighs]
Uh, I have cancer.
Forget it. | Forget it!
- That is- That is in | terrible taste. - [Laughing]
I don't wanna have anything | to do with this. Nothing.
No, no, no, that's good. | We can make that play.
Okay, and we'll really- | We'll just drag it out. All right?
Y- You get better, | you get worse.
No, you die, and then, | uh, you come back to life.
[Laughing] | That's funny.
That's funny,
but, um, | it's not a gag, Bob.
I got cancer. | I got lung cancer.
Lung cancer.
That's ridiculous. | You don't even smoke.
I've got some freaky | rare kind.
It's called | large-celled carcinoma.
Yea! | [Laughs]
I'm a lucky guy.
- Have you told your family? | - No. No.
I don't want to tell them.
I've just...
jerked them around so much.
Andy, look in my eye...
and tell me | this is true.
I'm sorry. | [Sniffles]
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. | - Hey.
I'm sorry. | [Sobbing]
Lynne? Come on. | Hey. Hey, hey.
- Wait up. | - [Door Closes]
If I find out that you're behind this, | I'll kill you, Zmuda!
What the hell are you | talkin' about, George?
I was the one who just said | I didn't believe him.
That's just the kind of thing | you two would work out to fuck me up.
[TV: Man] | We want the truth, boy!
[Boy] My father said Lassie bit me, | so I said she did too.
- [Man] Lassie never bit you, and you know it. | - Case dismissed!
[Court Spectators Murmuring]
[Orchestral: Dramatic]
The cancer started | in Andy's lungs...
and spread to his left arm.
We've initiated an aggressive | radiation program.
- See if we can eradicate the affected cells. | - [P. A.]Dr. Sullivan, line one.
Excuse me. | I'll be right back.
- [Door Closes] | - What a crock.
How dare you | make light of this?
I cried when he broke his neck. | He's not getting me again.
Jesus Christ, Carol, | he's got lung cancer.
He wants us | scratching our heads,
asking ourselves, | "Is this real?"
Of course it's real. | We 're in a hospital.
Mom, it's Cedars-Sinai.
It's a show biz hospital.
Andy's studio friends, | they probably run this place.
He plans these things. | He takes over and hires actors.
Personally, I don't think | that doctor guy was very convincing.
- His costume had the wrong shoes. | - Didn't even have doctor shoes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | That's bullshit.
No more Kaufman stories. | He's burned us too many times.
A very reliable source | told me Andy Kaufman has lung cancer.
Oh, please. | He's definitely not dying.
Now those big white cells | are attacking the cancer cells.
I see them. | I see the white cells.
- Attacking. | - Attacking.
- Attacking. | - Attacking.
He's an actor.
I- I recognize him | from The In-Laws.
Yeah. That's true.
But he's also ordained | in holistic medicine.
George, what am I | supposed to do?
I'm sick and I'm trying to get better, | but everybody's looking at me funny.
I feel like I'm being surrounded | by negative energy.
You're surrounded | by what you create.
- Great. | - Andy, you're the king of negative energy.
- And it's gotta stop. [Coughs] | - Andy.
'Cause if these | negative vibes get out,
everybody's gonna be | talking about how sick I am,
and it becomes a self-fulfilling | prophecy. [Coughs]
How can I help you?
I wanna go back to work.
- You wanna tour the clubs? | - No. No clubs.
I wanna reach the top.
Carnegie Hall!
I want this show | to build and build.
I want it to be everything that's joyful | in the world piled one on top of the other,
until the audience can't stand it and they | turn into children right in front of me.
- I might even have Santa Claus. | - Oh, yeah.
You can say, "Santa, what am I getting | for Christmas this year?"
- And he says "Cancer. " | - No, that-
No, that's- I don't wanna do that. | That's a bummer.
Uh, okay, positive, positive. | Okay-
Look, this is really, | um, great-
- Santa and snow and- | - Yeah.
But it's gonna cost | a fortune.
That's okay. | Not a problem.
- Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy? | - Tony Clifton.
[Sighs] | Oh.
Andy, you know, | Tony doesn't have that kind of money.
Don't you worry about that, | George.
I know Tony better than you do, and even if | he has to work another ten years to pay it off,
he'll do it.
Abu-dabi | Abi-dabu-ah
Abu-dabi | Abi-dabu-ah
[Audience] | Abi-dabi-dabu-eh
- Abu-day | - Abu-day
- A-ki-chay-wah | - A-ki-chay-wah
- Yaken-bu-day | - Yaken-bu-day
- Ichen-di-bich | - Ichen-di-bich
Yaki-di-shika-tala- | ga-bola-ga-deba-ga-dili- ga-bohhhhhhhhhhhh
Abu-dabi | Abi-dabu-ah
[Bongos Continue]
[Applauding, Cheering]
[Cowboy Chorus] I got spurs | that jingle-j angle-j ingle
As I go ridin' | merrily along
And they sing Oh, ain't | you glad you're single
- [Continues] | - Ladies and gentlemen,
we are so very fortunate | tonight,
because we have with us...
the last surviving cowgirl | from that 1931 film.
She's 94 years young.
Eleanor Cody Gould.
- I got spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle | - [Audience Applauding]
As I go ridin' | merrily along
Hi, Eleanor. It's great to have | you here. It's a real honor.
Thank you, Andy. I'm delighted to | be here. It's overwhelming to me.
Well, it's gonna | get even better,
because we found one of the old | original hobby horses from your movie.
Do you think you could grace us with a | couple of steps from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?
- Oh, I don't think- | - Okay, hit it!
- [Audience Applauding] | - [Orchestra: "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"]
[Audience Clapping Along]
Faster! | Come on!
[Tempo Accelerates]
Faster! Faster!
[Tempo Continues Accelerating]
Faster! Come on!
Faster! Faster! | Faster!
Andy, stop! Andy!
Is there a doctor in the house? | Stop the music!
- [Stops] | - Uh, we need a doctor.
Anyone? | Please?
[All Murmuring]
[Bob] Can you call us | an ambulance?
[Audience Gasping, | Murmuring Intensifies]
[Mock Indian Chanting]
[Chanting Continues]
[Chanting Continues]
Praise the Lord!
[Audience Applauding, Cheering]
She's alive! | Hallelujah!
Hallelujah | Hallelujah
- [Concludes] | - Ladies and gentlemen, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!
[Choir] Here comes Santa | Claus Here comes Santa Claus
- Right down Santa Claus lane | - [Andy] Oh, my gosh!
- Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer | - I can't believe this!
It's the Rockettes!
Are pulling | on the reins
Bells are ringing | Children singing
All is merry and bright
Hang your stocking | and say your prayers
'Cause Santa Claus | comes tonight
- Here comes Santa Claus | - Boys and girls, you're not gonna believe this!
- Here comes Santa Claus! | - [Continues]
He's got a bag | that's filled with toys
For the boys and girls | again
Hear those sleigh bells | jingle-jangle
What a beautiful sight
Jump in bed | Cover up your head
Since you've all been | such good boys and girls,
I would like to take everybody | in this entire audience out...
for milk and cookies!
There are buses outside! | Everybody follow me!
Don't worry, folks! There's enough | milk and cookies for everyone!
- [Cheering, Shouting] | - Let's go, let's go, let's go!
[Andy] | Merry Christmas!
And now we'll place | the blue crystal.
Very high vibrations,
and it's wonderful, | wonderful...
for its | healing powers.
Okay. | Let's try two of those.
And another pink one.
All right.
Looks like somethin' | my dog puked up.
How 'bout me and you dolls go out | and get some real food?
French fries | and a porterhouse steak.
Or we could skip the meal and go right | to the "montage a trois. "
Have you ever been | with another woman?
Well, like, in the kitchen | and stuff, yeah.
Okay, hey, here. | This'll help.
- Okay. | - Here. Put that on your face.
- Yeah. | - There you go.
- Hi. | - [Laughs] Now you can't even tell the difference.
Well, we could put | all of this together in a soup.
Then we could pretend | it's a porterhouse steak, Andy.
I am not Andy.
Andy is sick.
Chick, pick, wick, lick!
Whereas I am getting | stronger and stronger.
- Hi, Andy. | - Hey.
You wanna wrestle?
Bob and I...
came up... | [Clears Throat]
with a-
an idea for a TV show.
It'll be a Saturday morning | kind of thing...
where I can goof off | with the kids.
We can sell that, Andy.
Did your doctor say | it's okay...
to go back to work?
No, but he will.
I'm going | to the Philippines.
The Philippines? | What's in the Philippines?
A miracle.
[Andy Laughing]
[Continues Laughing]
I just want to say, | until we meet again...
please remember-
In this friendly | friendly world
With each day | so full of joy
Why should any heart
Be lonely
In this friendly | friendly world
With each night | so full of dreams
Why should | any heart
Be afraid
- [Continues] | - Yep, it's a friendly world.
We should all treat each other | like brothers and sisters.
So everybody put your arm around | the person sitting next to you...
and sway back and forth | in rhythm to the music.
Come on. Everybody.
Even if you don't like | the person sitting next to you. Okay?
When I say "okay," | you say "Okay!" Okay?
[All Responding] | Okay.
- Okay. | - [Responding] Okay.
- Okay. | - Okay.
[Barely Audible] | Okay.
Everybody sing, | "The world is such a wonderful place. "
- The world is such a wonderful place | - [Singing Along]
- To wander through | - [Singing Along]
Follow the bouncing ball.
When you've got someone | you love
To wander along | with you
With the sky | so full of stars.
With the sky | so full of stars
And the river so full of song. | River so full of song
Every heart should be
So thankful
Thankful for this | friendly, friendly world.
Thankful for this | friendly, friendly
Thank you...
for this friendly, | friendly world.
Thank you...
and good-bye.
[Woman Shrieks] | Andy! Ohh!
[Crowd Murmuring]
- [Man Shouts] Andy! | - [Audience Cheering]
- [Ends] | - Andy! Andy!
Andy? You guys | wanna see Andy tonight?
[Audience Cheers]
- Anybody got a flashlight and a couple of shovels? | - [Rim Shot]
Okay, guys, | let's do our dirt!
First I was afraid
- I was putrefied | - [Audience Laughing]
Kept thinkin' | I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent | so many nights
A- thinkin' | how you did me wrong
- And I grew strong - [Tempo | Change: Mid-tempo Disco]
And I learned | to get along
And now I'm back
From outer space
I just walked in | to find you here
With that sad look | upon your face
I should've changed | that stupid lock
I should've asked you | for the key
If I'd have known | for just one second
You'd be back | to bother me
Go on now, go | Walk out the door
- [Hooting] | - Don't turn around now
You're not welcome | anymore
Weren't you the one that tried | to hurt me with "good-bye"
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think | I'd lay down and die
Oh, no, not I | I will "sur-vivvy"
As long as I know | how to love
I know | I'll stay "aleeve"
I've got all my life to live | I've got all my love to give
I will "sur-veev"
I will "sur-veev"
I will "sur- veev"
I will survive! I will survive! | I will survive!
I will survive! | I will survive!
I will survive! | [Cackling Maniacally]
[Cymbal Crashing]
Mott the Hoople | and the game of Life
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Andy Kaufman | and the wrestling match
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Monopoly, Twenty-one | Checkers and Chess
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Mr. Fred Blassie | in a breakfast mess
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now, Andy, did you hear | about this one
Tell me, are you locked | in the punch
Hey, Andy | are you goofing on Elvis
Hey, baby
Are we losing touch
If you believed
They put a man on the moon
Man on the moon
If you believe
There's nothing | up his sleeve
- Then nothing is cool | - Nothing
If you believed
They put a man on the moon
Man on the moon
If you believe
There's nothing | up his sleeve
- Then nothing is cool | - Nothing
If you believed
They put a man on the moon
Man on the moon
If you believe
There's nothing | up his sleeve
- Then nothing is cool | - Nothing
I watch the stars | fall silent
From your eyes
All the sights | that I have seen
I can't believe | that I believed
I wish that you could see
There's a new planet | in the solar system
There is nothing | up my sleeve
I'm pushin' an elephant | up the stairs
I'm tossin' up punch lines | that were never there
Over my shoulder | a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through | I'm bending spoons
I'm keepin' flowers | in full bloom
I'm looking for answers | from the great beyond
I want the hummingbirds
The dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
And look into the stars
And look into | the moon
I'm pushing an elephant | up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines | that were never there
Over my shoulder | a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through | I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers | in full bloom
I'm looking for answers | from the great beyond
I'm breaking through | I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers | in full bloom
I'm looking for answers | from the great
Answers from the great
I'm breaking through | I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers | in full bloom
I'm looking for answers | from the great beyond
I'm breaking through | I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers | in full bloom
I'm looking for answers | from the great
Answers from the great
[Andy Kaufman] | Well, it's time
To say
It's been good
Having you
So near
Although | I've got to leave
- It's the end | - [Audience Laughing]
I'll always be stayin'
Right here
So, all my friends | good-bye
It's just about that time
Wish that I could do
Just one more song | For you
Good-bye, everybody! | Thank you! Good night!
- [Audience Applauding] | - Good night!
Okay! Great! | Good night!