Mancation (2012) Movie Script

# Sweat, baby, sweat, baby,
sex is a texas drought #
# Me and you do
the kind of stuff #
# That only prince
would sing about #
# So put your hands
down my pants #
# And i'll bet
you'll feel nuts #
# Yes, I'm siskel,
yes, I'm ebert #
# And you're getting
two thumbs up #
# You've had enough
of two-Hand touch #
# You want it rough,
you're out of bounds #
# I want you smothered,
want you covered #
# Like my waffle house
hash browns #
# Coming quicker than fed ex,
never reaching apex #
# Just like coca-Cola stock
you are inclined #
# To make me rise
an hour early #
- # Just like daylight savings time #
- # Do it now
# You and me, baby,
ain't nothin' but mammals #
# So let's do it like they do
on the discovery channel... #
Oh, that's what
I'm talking about!
- Shock dew!
- Yes!
Keep 'em coming, sweetheart.
What's up?
You wanna go, grimace? You
feel strong? Let's do this.
- I ain't scared of you.
- Come on, sit down. Relax.
- All right. - Don't think i can
take the big blue ox over there?
- Okay, let's go. We've got shots
to do here. - Fuck that guy.
All right. Gentlemen, we
have assembled here tonight
To celebrate vince,
Even though my wedding and marriage
was pretty much not enjoyable
And i try to forget it
as much as i possibly can.
Adam over here obviously will probably
never get married. Is that right, adam?
I would much sooner cut my own
dick off with a rusty pie tin.
- Ah. You're a poet.
All right.
Marriage is
a lot of work
And anytime
that you need any help...
And you know,
i mean help with cyndi...
I am here to round out
the train on her.
- - I'm just messing
with you. Really seriously,
She's a beautiful woman,
an amazing woman.
Now when we had
the rehearsal dinner,
She actually told me that
nothing turns her on more
Than a good old-Fashioned
cleveland steamer.
- Oh, come on.
- That's romantic. That's...
- You're the worst!
- Oh, but no, seriously, really,
You know what?
You're a fine man
- With a very small penis.
- Thank you.
- To vince!
- To vince.
bachelor fucking party!
Oh, really?
Lovely ladies
and gentlemen,
Club risque would like
To welcome
a very special guest
- In our v. I.P. Section this evening.
- That's not good.
- I have nothing to do with that.
- He's getting
- Married in the morning.
Come on, come on.
- I know. He's a fucking moron.
But his friends
have decided
To make sure that this is his
last night of... And i quote...
"Being waist-Deep in poon
Like he's fly-Fishing
for that shit. "
- That's me.
- So, mr. Vincent reynolds,
Sit back and enjoy
The lovely sienna.
Yeah yeah yeah!
All right, yeah!
Oh my.
Huh huh?
Oh, she's... Hi.
- Sienna, is it?
- Mm-Hmm.
- You're very fit.
- Shut up.
Thanks, guys.
Hey hey hey!
- Look at you? Big man on campus.
- How are you?
- Good to see you.
- You too.
- Congratulations, big brother.
- Dude, thank you.
You're cutting it
kinda close.
You realize you're in a
wedding in six hours, right?
Yeah, but my train was late.
It wasn't my fault.
- I'm kidding. - Oh hey, who gets
married on a friday, anyway? Huh?
- All right, get in.
- Okay.
Oh oh, i can't believe you're
actually getting married.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I just... You know,
- With your career and your schedule.
- Yeah well,
You know, cyndi's
a very business-Savvy woman.
She knows what it takes
to be the best.
- Her father did it.
- Really?
So i guess you could say
i just got lucky.
Yeah, speaking
of getting lucky,
- Hmm?
- What are you, 12?
- When's the honeymoon gonna be?
- You... You do realize
We've had sex before, right? I mean,
we've lived together for like a year.
Oh. Yeah, i just... Duh.
I know, i jus... Where...
Where's it gonna be?
Nowhere yet. I've got
a big merger on monday,
So we're gonna do a stay-At-Home
honeymoon kind of thing.
Mmm, nice.
Exotic. Ooh.
Hey, that's the ex...
Why are we going this way?
I've got to pick up
the flowers at stein's.
But... Seriously,
rebecca is your florist?
Yeah, why wouldn't she be? She's
a great florist, awesome friend.
Yeah, but,
come on, vince.
I've always seen the way
you've always looked at her.
- Grow up.
- Don't look at me like that.
- You know what I'm saying.
Yes, it did.
It didn't.
Yes, it did.
- No, that's not how it happened.
You're a liar.
You lied.
You said we'll all
go to the party...
- no... in a group
costume, and you never showed.
So i looked like a fool,
because voltron needs
- All the components to make sets.
- But there would've only
Been two of us. There would've
been an arm and a torso.
- Instead of just... You know, just you.
- Instead of just me.
- - You ruined my
halloween. It still haunts me.
Uh, so you wanna see
the bouquet?
The what?
Oh, yeah, of course.
- That's why I'm here. - You got
something going on later today? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That is beautiful.
Thank you.
Cyndi's gonna love it.
No problem.
- Uh, so listen, I've gotta
get going, but... - Yeah.
...after the reception, a
bunch of us were talking about
Going back to my house, keep
the party going. You should come.
No way. I don't think
i can make it happen.
- Come on, why not?
- Well, if you must know,
I'm going to atlantic city
for the weekend.
- When did you become a party girl?
- Not quite.
There's a big annual international
flower show i always go to,
And i love to jog on
the beach and there's
A really cute restaurant
right by lucy the elephant.
And the outlets are great
and they have a candle store.
- Right.
- You know, exciting stuff.
Yeah, party girl indeed.
- That's me.
- Okay. Well, umm...
yeah yeah, I'm gonna go home
and get changed in a little bit.
- Great.
- I'm not gonna be wearing this.
Right. Well, i'll...
I'll see you there.
Hey, uh,
who are the japanese guys?
They're everything
I've been working for.
Vanderplatt flew them out
a few days before the merger.
In the japanese culture,
there are few higher honors
Than being invited
to the wedding
Of an associate's daughter.
Those gentlemen hold
controlling interest
In the yakitori
alginate concern.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
They're the pacific's
Leading purchaser
and reseller of seaweed.
You know, few people realize
that seaweed is actually
- A multi-Billion... Okay.
- I really don't care.
She looks gorgeous, man.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Hey, i know it's typically
a best-Man thing,
But vanderplatt was kind of
hoping to do the toast.
I mean, if it's a big deal,
let me know. I can talk to him.
No, it's... It's fine.
Seriously, i mean he's paying
for the whole thing, right?
I didn't plan on anything,
anyway, so no sweat.
Thank you.
I owe you big time.
Didn't plan anything out, huh?
- Nice call on the bow.
- Thank you.
Call me that again
and i'll kill you.
That went well.
- Hey, you look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
When i first met vince,
I was taking a casual visit
to the 12th floor
To make my very subtle,
quiet presence known
To my employees.
Those are the accountants
laughing right now.
You know who you are.
Back to vince.
This fresh-Faced young man
Jumps out of a cubicle
that i could only describe
As the most organized cubicle
You have ever seen in your life.
It should be in a museum.
And he thrust
this clammy hand into mine
And he says,
"mr. Vanderplatt,
I fully intend
to be the man
To spearhead the merger
Between us and the
yakitori alginate concern. "
I look at him and i say,
"Young man,
I would love to see that. "
Then about a year ago this young
man comes out to me and says,
"Mr. Vanderplatt, sir,
i would like to ask
For your daughter's hand
in marriage. "
So what could i say to him?
I simply reply,
"You touch
my daughter again,
I will skin your ass alive
And burn your house down to
the ground with you in it. "
Well, i didn't keep
my promise, did i?
And here we are...
...and I've never seen
my little daughter
So happy in her life.
So let's all raise a glass
And toast to our newlyweds. Thank you.
Are you ready?
# I wanna rock your little
body tonight, tonight #
# I wanna stomp it till you're
feeling it right, all right #
# I wanna rock your little
body tonight, tonight #
# Tonight
# It's all right
# Give it up tonight...
Two, three!
# Baby, yeah
# This ain't the time
for hesitation #
# I ain't got time
for contemplation #
# This is
the here and now #
# Oh oh, i know you want this,
you need this #
# You try to take yourself
out of the way #
# That you're feeling...
you know what?
Let's make this a little
more interesting, huh?
Shit yeah.
Let's get fucking dangerous
up in here!
Do you have any desire
to watch this at all?
None at all.
I don't even want to
know what you saved me from.
I know. How fitting...
You caught your own bouquet.
- Oh, that was the plan all along.
- Oh.
These roses aren't cheap.
I can probably use them again.
So i distinctly remember
inviting you plus one.
No plus anyone for me.
Well, there are few better
places to find someone.
A lot of great guys
in there.
Fucking douche!
- All right, take this, motherfucker!
- Stop!
I stand corrected.
Now, vince, you know
I've always been selective.
There's a particular kind
of guy I'm holding out for.
Okay, all right.
Well, lay it out there.
Let me be your chuck woolery.
He's gotta be
funny, smart,
So far you've narrowed
it down to not adam.
All right, fine.
Funny, smart,
charming, chivalrous,
Successful, a gentleman
who's never too busy
To catch up
with an old friend.
The kind of guy who kept
his dorm room slathered
In christmas decorations
Because, like myself,
he enjoys the comforting smell
Of plastic pine needles.
And the real
hard-To-Find quality
And embarrassingly sketchy past
of a shameful addiction
To japanese anime.
Now that is a little
more specific, rebecca-San.
Usagi-Chan wa kawaii desu.
- You're such a nerd.
- Yeah.
Oh, i almost forgot...
I have something for you.
Oh no, you... Oh.
Not those.
You really
didn't have to.
Open it.
You know, there's a whole
birdcage-Looking thing in there
- You're supposed to put these in.
- Open it.
All right.
Look at that.
My goku costume
is phoned in,
But your sailor moon
is on point.
Holy shit.
"The parties of rebecca nicole
linden and vincent kennedy reynolds
Being of sound mind and body,
Do decree that if each party
are not happily married
At the age of 35,
are to wed,
Ensuring that neither individual
die a sad, lonely death. "
I almost forgot about this.
You know, i can...
I can notarize this now,
- Make it good and legal.
- No. Even if you did,
It'd still be null
and void by this point.
You've been keeping this for
all these years, haven't you?
Eh. Seemed like
a good backup plan.
Babe, you're missing
the chicken dance.
Come on, you guys.
All right.
Well, duty calls.
- Yeah.
- Can i trouble you for a chicken dance?
No no no no, i should
really get on my way
Down to the flower show.
I like to beat the crowds.
- Okay. Well, um, we should do lunch
sometime. - Yeah yeah yeah, definitely.
Find you
on facebook, right?
I still do
not have an account.
I think I've got
friendster set up.
Do the kids
use that nowadays?
- No.
- Right.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Vince?
- Afternoon, mr. Vanderplatt.
What are you doing here?
I was just taking a look at
my initial plan for the merger,
The numbers check out. We don't
have to move ahead as planned.
There are other options.
- Don't waste your time.
- But, sir,
We actually stand
to make more money
Rather than dissolving the
company and liquidating the assets.
Just a few short years,
a couple of key investments...
I personally looked over
that proposal
Two years ago.
No offense...
It's fucking idiotic.
Think about it. Why the
hell would i put my own money
From my own company,
Which i built myself...
Which does very well, by the
way, thank you very much...
Into a failing company
Just to keep it alive
When i can make a killing
overnight by shutting it down?
I understand that, sir,
and i respect your decision.
But don't you think
we should at least
Let the yakitoris know
our plans for their company?
I'm sure they'd be
very dishonored
If we pulled the rug out
from under them.
They call it honor.
We call it ethics.
I call it bullshit.
This is business,
And i am not hurting
my bottom line
Because some japanese
don't want to merge
'Cause they've had some sand
kicked up their sideways vaginas.
Now i don't wanna talk
about this again, all right?
Go home to my daughter.
For christ sakes, you haven't
been married for, what, 20 hours.
Actually she asked me
to step out for a little while.
- Really?
- Yeah, she and alyssa are taking care
Of some of the thank-Yous for
the wedding gifts and whatnot.
She understands
how important monday is
For you, me,
the company, her.
I admire
your work ethic.
In fact, you remind me a lot
of myself when i was your age.
Shit. Did you know that i was
on the floor of the exchange
An hour after
i married cyndi's mom?
Yeah, vince,
You and i... It looks like we're
just cut from the same cloth.
I appreciate that, sir.
That means lot to me.
But you know
the only difference is?
I didn't marry
the boss's daughter.
The very same boss
Who would be
very very very upset
If he thought
his little princess
Was unhappy
in the slightest way.
Yeah, well...
Okay. I think...
i think I'm about done
here for today, so...
- yeah.
- See you on monday, vince.
Sweetums, I'm home!
Oh yeah.
Yeah yeah.
Oh, holy shit.
- It's just you.
- Who is it?
- It's just vince.
- Well, keep going.
oh yes.
What the fuck?
Look, i don't know
what to tell you, vince.
I'm not in love with you.
I don't even like men,
in general.
- Dicks are gross to me.
- Oh yes.
There, i said it.
Can we not have this conversation
While you're inside
of someone?
I can't believe
this is happening.
Deal with it.
I needed a husband
to keep the trust fund,
And you?
You needed to marry
the boss's daughter
To get ahead
in the company.
Isn't that
all you wanted, vince?
That's news to me.
So... So what then?
That's it.
I called you guys
and came here.
I know. I mean,
but after you found them,
- What'd you do?
- Nothing. I got out of there.
What, seriously? You didn't
even attempt to get in on that?
What kind of hardware are we working
with? Like jelly chocolate dream
- Or fucking hammer of thor?
- Adam!
I'm the only one that
thought of it? No way.
- My wife's a lesbo.
- No, she's not a I...
Welcome to the wonderful
world of adultery.
It happens all the time.
- I don't... I don't think it does.
- You know what?
Would you guys stop
trying to cheer me up?
You're all
pretty terrible at it.
- Best-Laid plans, right?
- What?
"Of mice and men. "
"The best laid plans
of mice and men. "
What? What is that?
Like, a beatles song?
"The best laid plans of mice and
men often go awry. " You guys are...
The worst.
I had it all planned out...
Grad school,
Work my way up the company,
Top floor,
corner office.
Then the boss's
fucking daughter
Throws her tits in my hands
at a christmas party.
She's cool
with the sham marriage.
She's fucking hot.
You're the boss's son-In-Law.
What... What's the problem? It's
not like you love her or anything.
Yes, i do.
I married her, didn't i?
- Why don't you just get it annulled?
- No, i can't.
I can't get annulled
or divorced or whatever.
I just can't. If vanderplatt
finds out that his little princess
Isn't just completely perfect, he'll
have me fired at the very least.
- I mean, for all i know, that guy'll
have me killed. - You... You blackmail her.
- You tell vanderplatt about the...
Are you kidding?
Did you not just listen
to a single word i just said?
- Yeah, top-Notch commiserating,
adam. - Oh, fuck you, junior.
- Stupid.
- Guys!
I had it all planned out.
- So...
- You guys, you know what?
I'm sick of you, vince,
talking about your plans.
That's what got you in
trouble in the first place.
Plans are for people who
choose to limit their options.
You know what? We gotta
do something spontaneous.
Something just out
of the norm. No plans.
- Yes, hookers.
- We gotta go somewhere.
Pick a place, anyplace,
because you know what?
In the next 48 hours,
it's really really crucial
That you get laid. I know
from experience, all right?
You just gotta do it,
so pick a place.
I can't. I can't go
anywhere, let alone somewhere.
I mean i have the biggest
meeting of my life on monday.
No, we're going somewhere in
the next five minutes, okay?
Or you know what?
If you really want to,
Maybe you could just go home,
lay on your couch,
'Cause you're not gonna be laying
in your bed. 'Cause you know why?
'Cause your wife's
gonna be there.
She's gonna be there
with her maid of honor...
Licking a lot of puss, taking
the tugboat to tuna town
Fishing for trout.
She's gonna be scissoring
the maid of honor.
What's it gonna be?
# Always on the wrong side
# Always on the wrong side
# Of the world...
Atlantic city.
That's what
I'm talking about!
Come on.
Good job.
# Your mind,
my heart's desire #
# Are intertwined,
my lover's eyes... #
No. Really?
What'd you say?
You told him...
She told him she's not
his property anyway.
that's right. That's
what you gotta tell him.
I know. I understand.
It's not. Okay.
All right.
Okay. Bye-Bye.
Uh, so it looks like
everything's all booked up...
Every hotel, every motel.
Nothing's vacant. Evidently
there's a flower show in town
All weekend
and everything's booked.
Fucking flowers.
Hang on. I got this.
Dan. Yo, what's up?
It's adam.
Fuck you.
What? No.
No no, you left
with that girl, not me.
- Fuck that.
- What's that?
Oh yeah yeah, she was...
- Oh, nothing.
Just putting together
some stuff.
Oh yeah, i still did,
but i actually...
- For work?
- Uh, yeah. For work.
What was that?
You guys are...
We're gonna make it back
by monday morning, right?
- You have my word.
- What are you doing this weekend, man?
- Just relax. And why atlantic city?
- Are you at your place?
I thought you wanted to go
someplace where it's kinda quiet...
- yeah yeah... kinda
clear your head or something.
Um, something
spontaneous, right?
All right, cool.
Done deal, bitches.
My boy dan is not gonna be
at his timeshare all weekend
And is totally cool
with us crashing there.
Yes. It is on like
donkey kong, bitches!
Hey, here it is.
Atlantic city, baby.
About fucking time!
- Pull in there. I gotta stock up.
- Right.
Hurry up.
Hey, you...
You sure you wanna do this?
I mean, 'cause if you don't,
we can go back home. It's cool.
No no, I'm...
I'm ready for this.
Let's have some fun.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
'Cause if not, i would've
called you a pussy
And i would've drove
into town anyway.
- Thanks, you're a... You're a good friend.
- That's what I'm here for.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Stocking up.
Atlantic city is not
a frisbee-Throwing,
douching party.
I don't know how you
bitches do it up in brown,
But you're in the big
leagues of partying down here.
You should start acting like it.
- "The society page"?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Study it, know it, only map you need.
Adam, this is nothing but photos
of drunk girls in random bars
Posing with the previous
week's "society page,"
Whose cover is
a drunk girl
Posing with the previous
week's "society page. "
It's like
an escher painting.
All the news
that's fit to print.
Two boxes. Come on,
who are you kidding?
Don't get a twist.
I'm not a manwhore.
I just prefer to double-Bag
it in these short towns.
- stop.
- These bitches be skanks...
And they also
like the added girth.
Well, me too.
Oh crap.
It's vanderplatt.
What do i do?
Don't answer it.
Don't... Don't...
- Hello, mr. Vanderplatt.
- Or do.
Vince, I'm not
interrupting anything, am i?
- No, i just stepped out to get some...
- Divorce papers.
- How's my little girl?
- Cyndi? Oh yeah, no, she's...
- A lesbian.
...Uh, great.
- Listen.
I got a little bit
of a problem here.
I'm with the yakitoris
And they wanted the real
philadelphia experience,
So of course i bring them
out to tony luke's.
- Yeah. - However, i can't
seem to communicate to them
What a cheesesteak is.
That is a tough one.
You know, these bastards
will eat pickled poison,
- But i can't get them to eat a fricking
cheesesteak. - Stay right there.
- What? - How do i... What's
the translation for cheesesteak?
Uh yeah, well,
that's a tough one.
I guess the closest
translation would be...
...which loosely translates
to "american cow grease. "
You better not be fucking
with me, reynolds.
No no, I'm not, sir.
Trust me.
Wait wait wait wait, let me get a pen.
I got some...
I'm gonna write this down.
I can't remember
this shit.
Yo, look at that ass, man.
God damn!
That white bitch got dumps
like a trucker ho.
- Ooh!
- Excuse me?
No no no no,
excuse you!
I wasn't talking to you.
- I was talking to my boy.
- You trying to get fucked up.
I think he's trying to get
fucked up in here, man.
What's up, man? You trying to
get fucked up, motherfucker?
Yeah-Ha! You trying
to get fucked up?
The fuck you say?
I think they're in a gang.
Don't be a fucking asshole.
They're not in a gang.
They're color-Coordinated.
This shit is fresh.
They're probably a band.
I mean, boyz ii men.
- You didn't think of that?
- They're not boyz ii men.
Are you trying
to start some shit?
Yeah, i think he's trying
to start some shit up in here.
No no no no,
you're just trying to pay
This asshole's finely-Built
girlfriend a compliment
And he clearly
doesn't value your opinion.
That's right. That's
exactly what i was doing.
And who can blame you?
Look at that thing
Just sticking out like a luscious
apartment air conditioner.
You just wanna... Pow!
You know?
Yeah, apartment air conditioner.
That's exactly
what i was thinking.
Mmm. Yeah, i kinda
like this guy.
This guy's not that bad.
- Yeah, he's all right.
- He's all right.
- yeah?
- Yeah, he cool.
- I like you guys too.
- Guys!
All right, all right.
i didn't see that coming.
- What the hell happened?
- They got jumped.
- You didn't do anything?
- I figured they had it coming.
Obviously, people don't just
get jumped for no reason.
Adam yes, but leo?
Come on.
Adam's a bad influence.
What am i supposed to think?
- Leo, what the hell happened?
- They just...
They just jumped us
for no reason.
No, it's true.
Everything was great.
They was my dawgs
And then they just threw us
through the fucking window.
But the joke's on them, though,
'Cause they just dropped
their handkerchiefs.
My god. Fucking simpleton.
These aren't
handkerchiefs. The...
These are colors.
You didn't get jumped into
a gang, you fucking moron.
Get your head
out of your ass.
No no no no,
not a full member.
I didn't put any work in.
But probationary,
honorary at the very least.
You're an idiot.
No, like... You're an idiot.
Whatever, son. I'm coloring
up. Flying and proud.
You're gonna
get us killed.
- Ah.
- He's gonna get us...
Soldier till i die, kid.
That's not even gang lingo.
# Yo, i crack the whip,
you play the game #
# Every encounter that's
obstructionary comes in my name #
# So that you came to become
obsessed with my location #
# Clues to my identity
denied to the impatient #
# Step up, i sense...
It's up here somewhere.
- You said that on the last seven streets.
Do you even know
where the fuck it is?
Christ, slam on the brakes.
No, that's not it.
Wait! Yeah, that is it.
Dan said there's
a key under the mat.
Wait here.
Sounds like he found a key.
- Gentlemen.
- All right. Thanks, moses.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Bust-Ass bitches.
Whose place is
this again?
It's my boy dan.
I worked with him at best buy.
Bought this place
on a best buy salary, huh?
No no, found a finger
in his omelet at denny's
- And sued for a shit-Ton of
American dream.
Hey, where's the bathroom?
I need
to get cleaned up.
It's a bathroom, not a woman
to love and respect you.
I think you'll find it.
Why does your friend have
a cabinet full of bonerall?
Yeah, not to mention this place
reeks of icy hot and old pennies.
And the only bottles
of alcohol they have here is
The lovely creme de menthe.
Dude found a thumb
in his rascal flatts breakfast.
All right? That kind of
thing fucks you up for life.
Stop going through
his shit, all right?
We're not even gonna be here
anyway. Just fucking pour the shots,
Let's hit the town like a house
afire and get this sad bastard laid.
Hey, enough said.
I heard you there.
Bottoms up.
It smells
like coleslaw.
Sky hook!
You're starting to kinda
like it, right?
# This is, this is
# This is
an american anthem #
# This is, this is
# This is
an american anthem #
# This is, this is
# This is
an american anthem... #
Good evening, ladies.
How are you doing?
I'm the manager
of this fine establishment.
I'd like to see
your i. D. S again.
But we wanna make sure
there is no underage drinking
So i would...
Thank you very much.
That would be very nice.
Thank you. And thank you.
Hey, thanks again, leo,
for coming down here.
- It means a lot to me.
- No no, of course.
Vince, I'm here
for you, okay?
So did you wanna
talk about it?
I mean, how could
i let this happen to me?
Hey, look,
you can't... Don't...
Don't go blaming
yourself for this.
I just... I wish
cyndi could've let me know
About her little secret
before the merger.
I can't
fucking think straight.
Wait a minute.
Are you still going
through with this?
Organ donor? Hmm.
Okay, there you go.
This one's for you.
Thank you, ladies. Thank
you very much. Appreciate it.
Meredith jamison.
Status says "it's
complicated. "
It's not that complicated
when you're gagging on it.
Oh yeah.
Speaking of gagging. Hey.
I don't have
a choice, okay?
I can't start at a new
company from scratch.
I just can't. L...
To get where i am today?
I'd be old enough
to retire.
That woman...
She can ruin
my personal life,
But I'm not gonna let her take
my career away from me too.
I'll just go through
with the merger
And take care of my
fake marriage after that.
I guess that's why they say not to
dip your pen in company ink, huh?
You like my glasses?
Do i look like a dallas cowboy?
You like
the dallas cowboys?
Do i look like one?
Like a roy rogers?
Watch it, dickhole.
Did you say you wanted
to watch my dick grow?
Oh! How controversial.
My name is igor.
He's my boots.
What's your name,
bandana man?
What the fuck
did you just call me?
Oh. Oh, i think
me calling him "bandana man"
Was too controversial
for him.
You want to get controversial,
i will get real controversial.
You don't want controversy. Don't
pretend like you know controversy.
You wouldn't know controversy if
it pulled up to a middle school,
Showed you its penis
and make you take a blood job.
You mean a blow job,
you stupid limey.
Do i?
Oh, he doesn't know
what a blood job is.
How cute. How cute.
What if i was more in love
With the idea
of being in love
With the boss's daughter,
Rather than actually
being in love?
All right, vince.
Let's do this, okay?
Oh, come on, brady, please. Let
me just drink myself into oblivion.
I don't think i can be rejected
by another woman tonight.
No no no, it's not gonna happen,
because I've done some top-Notch recon.
According to their
facebook profiles,
I've narrowed it down
to three lucky ladies, okay?
She is first up.
Her relationship status says
"it's complicated,"
Which means that you can
definitely have sex with her.
You just gotta get her drunk,
get a little your knee.
Okay. Also, we have jane,
Who's in the corner
over there.
She actually just broke up
with a guy named eric.
And now eric was a
real nice guy. Too nice.
You gotta call her an idiot, a schmuck,
maybe tell her that her thighs are really fat.
Also we have chelsea. She was
actually dating an asshole,
So you gotta be
on the flipside of that one.
Be really nice with her,
but be very careful,
Because she's on her period, so you
might wanna be trolling for colon.
Okay, get in there. I got three other
ladies that are fucking whack jobs
- And they love to get bl...
- Brady. Brady, listen,
I'm not interested, okay? I'm
not interested in anyone in here.
None of these girls
are even my type.
I'm... I don't want to talk
to a girl tonight,
Let alone a girl
who's gonna...
Okay, i'll be right back.
Okay? I'll be right back.
Why do you gotta
start shit, biatch?
Fight! There's gonna be a fight!
Boots, take my pelt.
- Fight fight fight fight!
- Rebecca!
Fight fight fight fight
fight fight fight fight!
Dude, seriously.
Come on, relax.
We can all talk about this.
Let's be rational, all right?
Ladies, is it just me or is this
one's pants bulge unimpressive?
You're fucking dead!
I'll kill you!
Hey hey.
Whoa whoa whoa!
- Yo, guys!
- The big one is all mine!
- Divide and conquer! Bring him down!
- Come on!
- What are you doing?
- Come on.
Look, you're all acting
like children.
Violence is not the answer,
okay? Violence is not funny.
- Oh god!
- Douche.
I say we get
some tec-9s,
Roll out looking to pop
hollows in that kraut bastard.
Look, guys, i don't
think he's a german.
He's actually
russian, dude.
I don't care if he's the president
of fucking england. He's a dead man.
Guys, uh, shut up.
- Hello? Hello?
- vince! Vince!
This big american cow grease...
It's a huge hit
with the japanese. Huge!
You've done it again, vince!
# I like girl that wear
abercrombie & fitch #
# I'd take her
if i had one wish... #
Great. I take it the yakitoris
are having a good time?
Oh god, yeah!
They're a great bunch of guys!
Excellent. So have you
given anymore thought
- To what we talked about this morning?
- You know, actually, vince,
- I really have.
- And?
I'm still gonna bankrupt
the bastards,
But it's not gonna be
as much fun, i don't think.
# Think it's fly
when girls stop by #
# For the summer,
for the summer... #
Uh, sir, I'm sorry.
Can you hang on one second?
I have another call. Actually, is
there anything else you need from me?
How do you say "hooker"?
- I'm sorry?
- Ah, forget it. We'll figure it out.
# New kids on the block had
a bunch of hits #
# Chinese food
makes me sick... #
- Hello.
- Hi, it's me.
- Hi. Your dad says hi.
- Where are you?
- Like you even care.
- Of course i care.
Don't be silly.
You're my husband
and i love you.
You... You mean that?
I'm just really good
at lying.
You are a monster.
- Put a cap in her too.
- No. No caps, okay?
No tec-9s. No rough
riding and gang banging.
All right? We're down
here for one more day.
Just forget about her.
Forget about the russian.
I'm going to bed early.
I suggest you all do the same.
Hey, man.
I don't do bright
or early.
Well, this isn't
about you.
Listen, there's a lot
of hotspots i wanna hit,
So i got us on kind of
a rigid schedule,
But it's nothing
we can't handle.
- Please stop yelling.
- After this, we'll hit the outlets,
And then I've got us doing a
quick nine-Hole of miniature golf
Before we go have lunch by lucy
the elephant. I made reservations.
- You're welcome.
- How are you this fucking chipper?
It's seven
of morning o'clock.
What do you mean,
rigid schedule?
I thought the whole purpose
of this outing
Was to inject
something unexpected,
Throw a little fun
in your life.
Okay, you guys know me.
I like knowing what
I'm gonna do, okay?
And i can't be happy
unless i do.
It's really not
that big a deal.
It is, but it isn't. I mean
you can't just plan everything.
Have a little spontaneity
in your life, all right?
- It can't hurt.
- If I'm not mistaken,
Vince didn't actually plan
to turn his wife
Into a box-Chomping
carpet muncher
And that happened on its own,
didn't it? That looked like it hurt.
Yeah, you've got a point.
But you know what?
I thought the whole point
of coming here to atlantic city
Was to go out, have a great
time, be with your buds...
Just to have a great time. I
don't understand what you're doing.
You wanna go fricking shopping.
You wanna go to outlets.
What if i like the outlets? I do. I do.
I like the outlets.
I like bargains.
I like shopping. I like not
wasting each minute of the day
- And i especially like the
handmade candle store. -
My god, that is the lamest
thing I've ever heard!
Can we just get
our dicks wet?
Would you keep it down?
We're in public.
What, her? Like she's
little miss proper?
Would it kill you to have
a little decency?
Trust me,
that chick's a skank.
There's no father.
- Keep it down.
- That kid was probably the byproduct
Of every single member
of def leppard.
He's... Ma'am, I'm so sor...
Why do you always have
to be the loudest
A... sshole in the place?
- And it gets old real fast.
- Leo, relax, okay?
- That's just the way he is. - Just
because that's the way he's always been
Doesn't mean he gets a free
pass for being a piece of crap.
Adam, you may have gotten away
with that in college,
But you're a full-Grown man now,
so start acting like it.
What? How? Like you? Like
a little bitch all the time?
- No no, i'll pass.
- I'm not a little bitch.
- I'm not.
- It's okay.
One in 12 men was born
with a vagina.
It's perfectly natural.
Vince, i don't know how
you can stand this guy.
I've forgotten how much
of a child he is.
- What, you think you're better
then me or something? - Yes, i do.
And maybe if you'd act like
a respectable human being
For a day,
you would understand why.
And maybe if you pulled
that pinecone
Out of your asshole
for one day and let loose,
You'd see the world needs people
like me to keep it interesting.
So the world needs an obnoxious jerk
with a false sense of entitlement?
Yes! I am the yin
to your pompous,
Fart-Sniffing yang.
Whatever. Fine.
I will flip you for it.
I win, you keep
your big mouth shut
For the rest of the day
and behave like a gentleman,
- So we can actually enjoy ourselves.
- Leo, not a good idea.
You win, i will go the rest
of the day under your wing.
I'll do whatever you do.
I'll live the way you live.
I'll be the yin
to my own yang.
How's that sound,
This sounds like
a bad idea.
- Call it, princess.
- Tails.
- You're in for a treat.
- No. Whatever.
I'm not doing it,
'cause it's stupid.
Nuh-Uh, pussy.
A deal's a deal.
Vince, you can't
really expect me to...
I mean,
a deal's a deal.
Whatever. Fine.
Is this, uh... You weren't
drinking this, were you?
Oh no.
- How's that?
- Not bad.
You'll get better.
- Why are we here?
- What do you mean?
We're here for a spontaneous,
testosterone-Fueled weekend, right?
Yeah, real spontaneous. I mean,
you've scheduled everything.
You even scheduled
the bathroom breaks.
You just can't keep planning
every ounce of your life.
- Says who?
- Says life.
Sooner or later you have
to deviate from the plan,
'Cause right now your life
is in the shitter.
I think now's
a good time to start.
Okay. I get it,
all right?
As best man, you feel the
need to dole out the advice.
And i appreciate that...
I do... But right now,
I'm kind of in a difficult
place to be giving advice to.
I understand that you went through
the same thing with your ex,
But let's try to remember
that you got married
In a shotgun wedding
at the courthouse on a whim.
You didn't exactly plan that out
and that still went to shit, so...
You're still in love with
her, for christ's sake.
I mean, you've been wearing the
wedding ring for two years now.
Forgive me for saying,
but your advice...
It's kinda worthless.
Do you know why
i still wear this ring?
Please, enlighten me.
So i don't forget
how much it hurt.
It is a constant reminder
That i know that
i will never ever
Let any other woman
get close to me.
'Cause it would be
my own damn fault.
Well, that's a pretty
pessimistic way
- To go looking...
- And then cyndi comes along,
And she was perfect.
I just started thinking
that maybe i should just
Throw the ring in the trash,
because i was wrong.
When i gave you that ring
and i saw the look in her eye
When she was
giving her vows,
I saw the love.
I saw how honest
and pure she was.
I started thinking maybe that
there's somebody out there for me,
Somebody who i can love, somebody
that's gonna love me back.
Then she turned out
to be the worst one yet.
Come on, let's go
have some fun, all right?
But we're still gonna
stick to the schedule.
Sure, we can
stick to the schedule,
But can you please jot down
that we're getting our dicks wet?
Speaking of dicks,
have you seen leo or adam?
- Body shots!
- Body shots!
Leo, would you be so kind
as to top veronica off?
Please, leo.
- Veronica.
- Hello.
You remind me of a girl
i used to have a crush on.
- Oh really?
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Is that okay?
- Yes. Yup, i think it's in there.
- Should i fill her up?
- It's fine like that.
- Thank you.
- I love it.
Leo, yeah.
- Leo's turn!
- Yeah, leo's turn.
- No no.
- It is most definitely leo's turn.
- No no no no.
- Yes, come on.
- Don't be shy.
- It's too early for whiskey.
- I can't.
- Leo, it is never too early for whiskey.
- Mm-Hmm. - Ladies, who
would like to mama-Bird
- A shot to young leo?
- I don't know what it is, but i'll do it.
- What's a mama bird?
- I like you.
- No, what's... What's a mama bird?
- Well, leo, it's simple.
First things first...
Down on your knees
- In front the very sexy jessica here.
- Thank you.
- Now you're gonna take a shot.
- Okay.
You're not gonna swallow it. You're
just gonna keep it in your mouth...
and gracefully squeeze a stream
of the refreshing kentucky bourbon
- Into young leo's mouth here.
- All right.
- Okay, are you ready, leo?
- Oh.
- Are you ready?
- Ah. Here we go.
Open wide.
- Ahh...
Oh, what fun.
Hello, ladies.
I forget your name.
Your name starts
with an f, i think.
Look alive, soldier. This
shit's about to jump off.
Hello, bandana man.
I see you've found
My favorite tiki bar.
I hope it's treating you well.
No no no! All right,
not this, not again.
If you think you're ganking
my half-Drunk bitches from me,
- You got another think coming.
- Oh, these girls?
Eh. I don't want
these girls.
They are too old for igor.
- I'm 28.
- Well, if you say so.
But i can tell you have
the saggy places of a 40,
And seeing you both naked would
make me sick to my stomach.
It's not the age,
it's the miles, honey,
So go ahead and get out.
I don't care.
Don't worry, ladies.
I got this.
Let's roll up, bitch.
Oh, all right.
Okay, you want
to dance, big guy?
- Yeah.
- Boots, hold my coat.
Holy fuck!
All right, no.
No no, whatever, forget it.
- No, we're done. We're square.
- What, you want to go, cupcake?
- You want to go, cupcake?! - No, it's...
It's all right. No, just take... Take 'em.
- Take the... Take the girls.
- Come on, "rocky iii. " Come on, come on.
"I train alone! I train alone!"
"I ain't getting on no plane!"
We didn't really get off
on the right foot. It's cool.
"When you're a jet,
you're always a jet. "
Come on.
Put 'em up. What's the
problem? Put 'em up.
All right, no, we're done.
We're done, we're done.
I'm not fighting
a naked dude. That's gay.
Oh. Oh oh oh!
Okay, i see. Boots.
I think my bathing trunks
May be a bit too
controversial for bandana man.
- Oh, controversial.
- No, it's not controversial.
It's just... It's... I can
see your veins in your dick.
It's... All right?
It's gross!
Well, if you don't want
to fight,
Then perhaps we should
just be best friends.
How about you come in
for a big bear hug?
Come here.
- Come here, big boy.
No, fucking hell no.
Come on. Don't be shy.
- Seriously.
- Don't fucking touch me...
- Okay, all right, all right.
Listen. Here.
There you go, buddy.
Okay? You got your hug.
We were just leaving.
Well, now that we are
big-Bear-Hug friends,
- I guess i should know your name.
- It's vince.
Hello, vince. My name
is igor. He's my boots.
- How's your back?
- It's fine. Thank you, boots.
Vince, can we... Can we
please get the fuck away
- From this naked guy?
- Yes, please go.
I like
your friends, vince.
They have moxie.
That's good to know.
So, listen,
You seem to know
your way around here.
Have you, um...
Have you seen this girl?
Nyet. Boots,
has you seen this girl?
- I am so sorry.
Neither me nor my boots
has seen her,
But i wish you the best
of luck in your searchings.
Thanks. You gentlemen
have a nice day, huh?
You have a nice day
as well, vince.
I'm not saggy.
I'll take my top off
right now and prove it to you.
Well, that is very polite
of you, golden girl,
But that's a gamble that
I'm not willing to take.
But boots has much worse
taste in women than i,
And i am sure he would love
to put himself in you
- And then break his dick off in you.
- I would love to do that!
He would love to break his dick.
He would love to break his
dick off. Please go, boots.
Go and break your dick off.
Yes, break your
dick off, boots.
Break it off.
- What the hell happened to you?
- Shut up. That's a gay shirt.
- # When we met that summer... #
- It's not gay.
# New kids on the block
had a bunch of hits #
# Chinese food
makes me sick #
# And i think it's fly
when girls stop by #
# For the summer,
for the summer #
# I like girls that wear
abercrombie & fitch #
# I'd take her
if i had one wish #
# But she's been gone
since that summer #
# Since that summer
# Hip-Hop marmalade,
spic and span #
# Met you one summer
and it all began #
# You're the best girl
that i ever did see #
# The great larry bird,
jersey 33 #
# When you take a sip,
you buzz like a hornet #
# Billy shakespeare wrote
a whole bunch of sonnets #
# Call me willy whistle,
'cause i can't speak, baby #
# Something in your eyes
really drove me crazy #
# Now i can't forget you
and it makes me mad #
# Left one day
and never came back #
# Stayed all summer
then went back home #
# Macaulay culkin
wasn't home alone #
# Fell deep in love,
but now we ain't speaking #
# Michael j. Fox was
alex p. Keaton #
# When i met you,
i said my name was rich #
# You look like a girl
from abercrombie & fitch #
# New kids on the block
had a bunch of hits #
# Chinese food
makes me sick #
# And i think it's fly
when girls stop by #
# For the summer,
for the summer #
# I like girls that wear
abercrombie & fitch #
# I'd take her
if i had one wish #
# But she's been gone
since that summer #
# Since that summer
# Cherry pez,
cold crush, rockstar boogie #
# Used to hate school,
so i had to play hooky #
# Always been hip
to the b-Boy style #
# Known to act wild
and make a girl smile #
# Love new edition
and the "candy girl" #
# Remind me of you
because you rock my world #
# You come from georgia
where the peaches grow #
# They drink lemonade
and speak real slow #
# You love hip-Hop
and rock 'n' roll #
# Dad took off when
you were four years old #
# There was a good man
named paul revere #
- # I feel much better...
- That is me! I know!
This is me!
I need her!
# I like the way you laugh
when i tell a joke #
# When i met you,
i said my name was rich #
# You look like a girl
from abercrombie & fitch #
# New kids on the block
had a bunch... #
- Where are we going next?
- Uh, flower show.
Sorry, it sounded like
you just said "flower show. "
Yeah. There's gonna
be tons of ladies there.
Yeah, I'm not going
to a flower show.
Adam, vince is right. The
place will be filled with women.
It can't be that bad.
Come on.
No, leo, it can be awful.
I would rather have my balls
caught in a food processor.
Now you.
Point out a place
You'd rather have my balls caught
in lieu of attending a flower show.
- Car door.
- Ooh.
Head of the class.
Now if you two ladies are
insistent on attending
The dried-Up hausfrau convention,
then by all means, have at it.
Vince wants to go where he
wants to go, so let's just go.
No, brady.
Vince, i love you.
I'm afraid this is where
we part ways, all right?
The sun is setting!
We're in a. C!
The sluts are about to
start roaming the street
And leo and i are going to
be there to calm their nerves
After a long,
hard day of arguing
With the financial-Aid office
of their community college,
Fighting with their step-Dad or whatever
the fuck it is they're gonna talk about
That we're gonna pretend to
listen to so they can justify
To themselves that
"these guys are different
From the ones i let
slip it in me last week.
They're not gonna talk me
into an angry blumpkin.
They're not gonna trick me
with the hairy houdini.
And text it to all my contacts.
No no no, these guys are different.
They're special.
I think they'll call back.
I have a good feeling
about these guys. "
What the hell are
you talking about?
Let's go, leo.
Enjoy the flower show,
- Hi.
- Hello.
I'm looking for this girl.
Have you seen her?
This is so easy. This is
obviously you in the picture.
- Yeah yeah, that's me.
- There you are... I found you!
# Yeah
# Oh yeah.
Okay, i get the idea that you do
whatever the hell you feel like
Without regard to anyone else,
but ditching my brother like that
Just makes you
a terrible friend.
All right, look look, he
needs his friends right now.
- He'll be fine.
- How do you know, adam?
Because he's got thick skin.
I should know.
I've ridiculed and belittled
him for years to toughen him up.
- Mm-Hmm. - You reynolds boys
have been coddled way too much
- And you're soft.
- I'm not soft.
You're a pushover,
all right?
You're gonna be forced to marry
a fatty because no attractive girl
Is gonna find this lack
of a backbone appealing.
Oh my god! See?
Before he was forced to toughen up
from having friends who are bastards.
You can't just
justify the idea
That you're allowed
to act like a fool and...
I don't know... Call it... What is
it, tough love or some bullsugar?
No no, you're missing the whole point.
It's not just about being an asshole.
It's about being able
to walk into a room...
Any room... And knowing that
you're not afraid to be an asshole,
Piss people off,
do something shocking,
Say something fucked up. That's
what makes great men great.
- Uh-Huh. - It's like
when george washington
Once famously punched
a man in the dick
Just 'cause he made fun
of his wooden teeth.
That never happened.
I think i know a thing or two
about colonel washington.
Nothing you are
ever going to say
Is ever going
to make me believe you.
Huh? Ever.
Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
- What?
Talk is cheap.
Come with me.
What, a... A tattoo?
Okay, big deal.
What are you thinking?
A little butterfly
on your ankle?
Or maybe a scary skull?
How about that?
He's cute.
Dude, what are you doing?
There's, like,
tuna for sale over there
And you're just smelling
cactuses and tulips.
Look, would you just relax
with the getting-Me-Laid thing?
No no, I'm not gonna relax
about you getting laid.
It's very crucial that you do this,
because that whole sham marriage...
You need to just get
your mind off of it,
Get you laid and you'll
have a great time.
Dude, what is
your problem?
All trip you've been
holding stuff back, okay?
Help me help you.
Talk to me.
I don't know
what her name is.
- She's probably... Hopefully deep throat.
- No no.
- Rebecca.
- From high school?
Yes, my friend rebecca.
- The florist?
- Yes, rebecca.
Go ahead. Tell me
she's a soul-Sucking harpy
Like the rest of the girls in
the world whose sole purpose is
To rip out my heart with her
razor-Sharp talons or whatever.
Dude, what? No.
Actually, she's a sweetheart,
And i think you guys were
kinda meant for each other.
Hey, does she have
Um, uh, yeah, i...
How about
a dragon fighting a tiger
On top of a mountain?
That'd be fun.
Or we could even
do like the unicorn
Running on a rainbow.
Or how about a pentagram, like
on your shoulder or something?
Just so everyone knows...
- Just so you know daddy doesn't care.
So what are you getting, anyway?
A prince albert.
Like a portrait or?
you're ready for this, dude?
Let's get dangerous.
Her and i have always had this
sort of unspoken thing, you know?
But neither one of us wanted
to put ourselves out there
Because we're
such good friends.
And that went on for years,
even through college.
I'd be seeing someone
and she'd be single,
Or she'd be seeing someone
and i was single.
And then cyndi came along and it just
seemed like such a perfect arrangement.
I would still think about rebecca
and wonder what it would be like,
You know,
if we ended up together.
And then i hadn't really given
it much thought until recently.
Then i walk in
on cyndi cheating on me
And all at once i felt...
...nothing. L... I
honestly felt nothing.
Complete indifference.
I mean, yeah, i was shocked
or surprised or whatever,
'Cause i didn't
see it coming, but...
i don't know.
I think...
maybe i was more in love with the
idea of marrying into the vanderplatts.
But then i found out rebecca is
gonna be down here in atlantic city,
And i had to come down here and
tell her how i felt, you know?
We have turned this town
upside down to try to find her
And this is the last place
i know she'd be,
So i know she's gotta
be somewhere nearby.
- How do you know that? - If you
actually stepped into the 21st century,
You would know that facebook
is fantastic for stalking exes.
If you see right here,
on foursquare she said
That she was here at the
convention center at 4:00.
Do you know where
we were at 4:00 today?
- Yeah.
- Fudge kitchen.
Yeah, okay.
Damn it.
Okay, do you know
where she is now?
I have a pretty good idea.
Great. Let's...
Let's go find her.
You sure
you wanna do that?
Are you out
of your mind?
Pay attention, junior,
you might learn something.
What am i supposed
to learn from watching
Thinking about it too much. It's
all about going big or going home.
All right, you're gonna
feel a slight pinch...
- i can handle that... followed by
a very excruciatingly painful tearing
As i stick this barb
through your urethra.
Look, okay, you don't
have to do this.
All right?
No, i get it. I get it.
It's all about going big
or going home, right?
Going big or going home.
Do it.
All right,
here we go.
That wa...
That wasn't so bad.
All right,
now we're disinfected.
Now... it's time
to actually do the piercing.
- Hold my hand.
- What?
Hold my fucking hand!
Look, i don't know
what the problem is.
- I know she feels the same way.
- But that's not the issue.
That's because there is
no issue, okay?
It's real simple...
First we find her,
Then i bring her in
real close
And i remind her about that
time in statistics class
When we almost
accidentally kissed
And how i thought
about that for years after
About how i wish
it had actually happened.
And then she'll know.
She'll know exactly
what I'm talking about.
And then i just lay it
out there, you know?
I let her know that I'm in love
with her and that i always have been.
And if that doesn't work,
i have an ace up my sleeve.
Okay, i think
i found a loophole.
No! I'm not gonna watch you get
your heart broken in two again, okay?
You know, i knewyou would
say something like that.
I knew it. That's why i didn't
tell you why we came down here.
Rebecca's not
some drunk skank
On the cover
of "society page," okay?
She's not cyndi.
She's not your ex.
- She's... She's different.
- I know she is.
The please explain to me
what the fucking problem is.
You. You're
the fucking problem.
- What is that supposed to mean? - You're
setting yourself up for failure again.
You refuse to understand that
you can't control everything.
Shit, you bullet-Point
in your own head
How you're gonna convince rebecca
to give you a second chance.
I've seen you do this before. You did it
with fricking cyndi, for crying out loud.
- Life does not work that way.
- So you've got this figured out then?
You know what's best for me.
Is that right?
Fuck you, brady. Okay?
You don't know shit about me.
You don't know what's going on.
Yeah, some fucking best man
you turned out to be.
Yeah, and a best man would give
a fricking speech, asshole.
Oh yeah?
Well, i'd like to think
That a best man would take 20
fucking minutes out of his day
To plan something for someone
he calls his best friend.
You know, i should've had
leo be my best man.
At least i know
he would have the decency
Not to go on about gang bangs
and cleveland steamers
In front of my grandmother.
"Ladies and gentlemen,
family and friends,
Can you gather round please?
Family and friends.
I've had the privilege
To know him now
for almost 25 years.
And honestly,
i gotta say
He's been one of the best
friends i could ever have.
In seventh grade,
we were in gym.
Do you remember this, vince?
We were running track.
I tripped and i fell
into a huge puddle...
Completely drenched,
head to toe...
With a white t-Shirt
no less.
Now, mind you,
I was not the...
slimmest kid
in the school.
But you know what?
I held my head high.
But when i fell
in that puddle,
All the kids started
pointing at me,
Laughing at me,
making fun of me.
But without hesitation,
Vince ran up to me
And literally took
his shirt off his back
And gave it to me.
And that's what
makes you so wonderful.
And to see you here with
cyndi... Who, by the way,
Without a doubt
Is the most breathtaking
bride i have seen...
And to see the way
That you make
her smile reminds me
Of all the times
You've made me smile
throughout the years.
To vince. "
This is the one thing
i planned.
Head over to baltic.
Right by the boardwalk,
there's a house party there.
That's where
you'll find her.
One, two, three.
Oh god!
Oh god.
God! Stop!
I wish i was
at the flower show!
That was the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.
- I've done worse.
- I get it now.
I totally get it, right.
'Cause being
an asshole isn't about
Proving something
to someone else.
No no no no, it's about
proving something to yourself.
To this guy
right here, right?
Just like the time...
Like george washington,
When he punched
his dentist in the dick.
Exactly. Your eyes are
opening, little reynolds.
I feel alive, you know?
I feel, like, born again.
I just wanna rattle
some cages.
The consequences
be damned.
Fuck yeah.
Oh boy.
Hey hey hey, what are you guys
doing out here on the boards?
Shouldn't you be, like...
I don't know...
Building a railroad
Or opening up
a dry-Cleaning business?
- wait wait.
- All right, you got 'em.
Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on.
Oh no! Godzirra!
Here godzirra come!
Destroy buildings.
I need more buildings.
- Okay.
- Radiation!
- Okay, you're good, you're good. Got 'em.
- Wait wait wait.
I'm not done yet.
Hold on.
Oh. Hello.
I'm really good at algebra,
But I'm really bad
at winning wars.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Okay, you're ju...
You're just being...
You're being racist now.
I never...
I never taught you
to be racist, all right?
I'm not being racist.
Will you calm down please?
- Whoa!
- Whoa. What do we do?
- run.
- Okay.
- Hurry up!
- I'm not used to running
With a fishing lure
in my dick!
- Scooby doo. Scooby doo!
- What?
I can't believe
that worked.
- What?
- What the hell was that?
- Wh...
- You started off great,
Then you just
fucking tanked it.
What the hell was that?
You know the asians are extremely
proud and prosperous people.
- I know.
- Good food, interesting culture,
Outstanding movies
and cinema.
I don't wanna look at
you right now. Just...
Hey, vince.
Those guys looked pretty
pissed. That you, adam?
Leo started a turf war. Where
are you going in such a hurry?
I'm going to tell
the woman i love
That she's the woman
that i love.
- Rebecca?
- Yeah.
- What, the florist?
- Yes, the florist.
Oh. Oh, she's a sweetheart.
You should've married that girl.
It's your
ride-Or-Die chick.
Mmm. I'm not dan.
There's no dan here.
Oh. Hey, i know you.
- You're the minister.
- Oh yes.
The minister of pleasure.
I also do bar mitzvahs.
That bearded
blond bastard.
He doesn't stand a chance.
We have god on our side.
Bring the bonerall.
This has got to be it.
- Yeah.
- How do i look?
Um, well, you kinda look
like a hasidic pimp.
Yeah, you should
probably lose the shirt.
- Okay.
- Unbelievable.
Icelandic hairdresser.
What happened to you?
Really? Really?
It's a mansion.
There's bound to be a hanger.
Like animals, both of ya.
All right, i want you
guys on your best behavior.
Talk to your brother.
You know he's a huge racist?
- I'm not a racist.
- Oh my god, I'm serious.
# In spit of the melody...
Okay. Wait here.
# The better part of me
is caving #
# And we don't need
those broken bones #
# Awkward lighting
in broken homes #
# No no no, we don't need
those empty tones... #
- Hey.
- Vince.
What in the world are you doing here?
- Is cyndi with you?
- Remember that time
In statistics class
when we almost kissed?
Oh. Okay.
That's not important then.
- Listen to me.
Hello, rebecky.
Here's the another
kamikaze you wanted.
- Number four.
- Number four already?
- Oh my atlanta.
- How do you say "four" in russian?
Use your teeth
and your tongue.
Oh, I'm sorry. Vince,
this is igor. Igor, vince.
Hello, vince.
Would you like a red cup
- Full of party drink?
- What the hell are you doing here?
I'm working on kamikaze
I'm a big girl, vince.
I'm allowed to drink.
Yeah, i know, but not
with this asshole.
Oh! Why would
you say that?
This is the first time
we've met ever.
- What is your problem?
- My problem? This guy's a piece of shit
- And his boots broke a chair over
my back yesterday. - Oh, it's lies!
- My boots would never break a chair.
- No no no.
- He loves carpentry.
- I love my maple.
Yesterday? Why aren't
you with your wife?
She's a lesbian,
evidently always has been.
I caught her cheating on me
with her maid of honor.
- How controversial.
That's not important.
Listen to me.
I'm in love with you.
I always have been.
That's it?
"Okay. " "Okay"?
I guess. I don't really
know what you want me to say.
Oh, this is painfully awkward,
okay? So let's no more of it.
Rebecky, would you like
to see my bed?
It's a tempur-Pedic.
Uh, maybe later.
I see.
Well, the night
is still young.
To your health.
- No, hold on.
- Oh!
What did you
do that for, asshole?!
His boots just
tried to drug you.
- My boots would never do that!
- I just say no to drug.
Rebecky, you are soaking wet.
Please, go to the top floor.
It's the penthouse.
It's my room. Go into my
closet, take whatever you like.
Thank you, igor.
You're quite the gentleman.
I'll see you soon.
What the hell
are you doing?
I'm going to make bangs
with the woman you love.
How controversial.
I'm fat. I can't run. I'm fat.
I need to go
to the gym.
They are walking
really fast.
This does not seem normal.
My god, he's slow.
Oh god!
Oh, I've got a cramp!
Okay, can you just...
make bangs
with someone else?
- I'm trying to talk to her.
- Mmm. She's a little older than i like,
But I'm going to make
an exception for her,
Because she is
in tip-Top shape.
Uh-Oh uh-Oh
uh-Oh, boots.
I think that she is
the woman he loves
And he has yet
to round her baseball bases.
- Is that right?
I'll do you a favor. I'll
let you know how she likes it.
Or better yet,
i'll have boots v. C.R. It
And you can watch it
yourself later.
How controversial.
Oh yeah.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'd like
to be inside of her.
Where do you think
you're going,
You haggis-Eating bastard?
Oh, if it isn't bret michaels
from the poisons.
We have
unfinished business.
You will have to wait
until i finish my nailings.
No fucking way.
I demand satisfaction now,
And i challenge you
To a controversial-Off.
Yeah, we take turns.
First one who can't stand
to watch, loses.
I know how it works.
Do you accept?
- Nyet.
- Are you afraid, mr. Controversial?
Are you
pussying out on me?
I have more important
things to do
And you are
not worth my time.
You are not controversial
in the least.
Your controversy is
a fake controversy.
You do it only to hide
your insecurities.
But you're not actually
You pretend
to love things like...
Pickup trucks
And cheeseburgers
and titties.
But you
don't love cheeseburgers
And pickup trucks
and titties.
You only pretend
to love those things
Because it's what
you think is controversial.
But you cannot play
my game of controversy.
In the game
of controversy,
You are
the washington generals.
You think
you know controversy?
Just like i know
that the holocaust
Never happened.
- Controversial!
What do you think, boots?
I thinks
you has yourself
A controversial-Off!
What do you think
you're doing?
Buying you some time.
Go talk to her.
Just go.
It'll be fine.
What the fuck is wrong with
you? You can't take this guy.
- These europeans are the real asshole deal!
- I can do this.
Don't try to win. Just buy
vince a couple of minutes.
Fuck that.
I can win this.
Snap out of it. You're not
even close to ready for this.
I have 22 years
of repressed asshole
That has been boiling up inside of
me, waiting for this very moment.
I am the only one
who can win this.
If you don't think i can do it,
then get the fuck out of my way,
Pick up your slaphappy dick and beat
your down-Syndrome sister with it.
Give him hell.
I'm sorry about that.
please just leave.
Did you hear
what i said down there?
I'm... I'm in love with you.
I was sure you felt
the same way.
Of course i do, vince.
I always have.
But why now?
You're married.
Technically, yes.
But i think
i found a loophole.
Ladies first.
All right! Yeah! All right!
All right.
Oh my god, are you kidding?
Your move, cupcake.
Hey, guys.
i didn't say anything.
That was
my little friend.
I love asian people.
Good... Good food.
Great food. Fuck.
All right, we're...
We're all gentlemen here.
I think
we can act accordingly.
Those are badass.
Not necessary.
- Uh, guys...
Hey, yo!
What the fuck are
you bitches doing, huh?
That delightful white boy
belongs with us.
- What's up? - Yeah, i guess
they didn't see our hanky chiefs.
- Seriously?
- Now it's official.
No, it's not.
No, you're married.
- This thing was stupid, anyway.
- No no. Look,
Stupid, maybe;
married, yes.
But if you look closely...
Page one, paragraph one,
article one...
It says
"happily married. "
Okay? And...
I don't think
I could ever be happy
without you in my life.
He does know
what a blood job is.
Hand me your feces.
Not gonna fizzle me!
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to watch you be engaged
And make the flowers
for your wedding
And your bride-To-Be?
I didn't just decide
One day to be cool
with us never happening.
That doesn't happen overnight.
It's really hard to do.
You have to work up to it.
And now you show up two days
After i watched you get married
and i said my final goodbye.
And you just expect me
to undo years
Of coming to terms with something
like this? Fuck you, vince.
No, wait. Hold on. This isn't
easy for me either, okay?
Oh god, no! Oh!
Oh, looks like
Very good. Relax.
Oh no!
Oh! Oh oh, no!
Oh, man, come on!
Get out of here, brady.
You're too pretty.
You break
into that lady's house?
Ow! Yes! Ow!
Of course i did! I did a
pretty shitty job hiding it,
- So you're just as guilty as i am!
- Where the fuck is vince?
- Igor's penthouse.
- You all right?
- Yeah, i'll be all right.
- Good.
I thought i had
everything going
Exactly the way i planned.
And then i found out i was
dead wrong about all of it.
But i get it now.
I get it.
L... Nobody can
just say that
Everything is gonna be a
certain way from this point on
Just because that's the way
they want it to be.
Life throws you curves all
the time, and they can suck.
But sometimes life gives
you a second chance.
This one just happened to come at a...
...really really
inconvenient time.
This should never
have been a backup plan.
Oh. Oh, look, how cute.
He looks like the bellagio.
Let's see how you like
the mama bird, motherfucker.
I'll need more feces.
Much more.
Now what?!
Whoo! I got him!
I got him!
Go to sleep!
Go to sleep!
Just go to sleep.
Shh! Shh!
Look, i lost everything
in the last two days...
Everything that i thought
that i wanted. And honestly,
I'm absolutely fine
with that if it means
That you and i get
a second chance to do
What we should've
done a long time ago.
I thought about that
near-Kiss in statistics for...
For years after that.
Oh no!
- Mmm!
Yes, boots.
You've done it again.
Would you have me?
I'd have me.
Nobody wins!
- Nobody wins!
- I'd have me hard.
Look at me. I'm a millionaire!
I'm a monopoly man! I'm a
monopoly man with a boot.
Don't pass "go. "
Don't collect drachmas.
Look at me!
Look at me!
I'm wearing kulats!
I am fashion...
Fashion and fun!
Shh! Shh! Just go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
I got him! I got him!
Oh fuck.
Oh shit.
Come here.
# Hello, my baby, hello, my honey... #
Hmm hmm,
can you dig it?
Oh no!
Get the fuck off me!
Dog style!
It is old
ass, but it is good ass!
Who's next?
Who's next?!
You are
the washington genitals.
- No, don't listen to him.
- No!
What? My boots.
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Top-Notch gang banging.
That... Oh my god.
You guys...
That... That's badass.
Look it.
- You're my guys.
- Yeah, well, we take care of our own, son.
- Remember that.
- That'swhat I'm talking about.
Oh my god. All right.
I gotta clear the air here. Boyz ii men?
Yeah, demolition was
in boyz ii men.
I knew it! I knew it!
Oh, i am such a fan.
- Thank you. Appreciate it.
- Oh, timeless. Timeless.
One... One...
One second.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hello, mr. Vanderplatt.
Hey hey, vince.
Just calling to remind you
That tomorrow is the biggest
day in the history of my...
Scratch that...
Our company.
Oh. No sir. I wouldn't
miss that for the world.
- I'm very excited.
- Now you're talking.
That's just what i wanna hear.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Yes sir.
- 9:00 a. M. Sharp.
- Oh, and, vince?
Do me a favor...
Call me dad.
What's wrong?
You don't wanna give
all that up.
And i would never ask you to.
So please don't try to squeeze
me into your 10-Year plan...
Where i don't fit anymore
And where you never really
wanted me in the first place.
I gave you my word i'd have
you home by the morning.
Let's go home.
# I left on a friday
# With my clothes
and my books #
# I walked for a second
# Gave your house
one last look #
# The thought
of you in there #
# As i stepped in the cab
# It's gonna be
a long while, girl #
# Before i see you again
# And i left a postcard
# Beneath the...
brady, what are
you still doing here?
Facebook-Stalked you.
"Awful trip.
Last day in atlantic city.
Going for one last run. "
What do you want?
Look, you break his heart,
i'll kill you.
- Figuratively, of course.
- No, really.
I'll take a tire iron
and break your knees.
I'll keep that in mind.
- Hey.
- Vince, let's please not do this again.
Don't you have
a meeting to be at?
Yeah, i...
I might've been a bit
overstated with my words.
Right on time.
Hello, mr. Vanderplatt.
Vince, I'm here
with the yakitoris and...
Well, you've never been late.
And I'm just wondering
if you're well
And on your way here
right now.
I'm... I'm quite well, sir,
But i don't think
i'll be making it in today.
I'm sure you understand
That it's
in your best interest
To be here at all costs
And that the yakitoris
would be very honored
With your presence
And very dishonored
with your absence.
Well, then allow me to impart
to them, in their native tongue,
My deepest apologies.
Well, yeah, that's
the least you could do.
You're such a nerd.
Well... So,
what did he say?
How dishonorable!
So what did end up
happening last night? Oh!
What a little bitch.
That controversial bastard.
So what comes next?
I have no idea.
# Mancation, mancation
# Dudes are partying
all across the nation #
# No wives or girlfriends
to put the brakes on #
# Drinking beer and partying,
it's a mancation #
# Whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Mancation, mancation
- # Party party
- # Yeah! Yeah!
# Mancation,
mancation, mancation #
- # Party party
- # Yeah! Yeah!
# Mancation, whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Mancation, mancation
- # Party party
- # Yeah! Yeah!
- # Mancation
- # Yeah!
# Mancation, mancation
- # Party party
- # Yeah! Yeah!
# Mancation, whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Whoa whoa
# Mancation
# Yeah!
# I left on a friday
# With my clothes
and my books #
# I walked for a second
# Gave your house
one last look #
# The thought of you in there
# As i stepped in the cab
# It's gonna be
a long while... #