Marci X (2003) Movie Script

Good evening, I'm Marci Feld.
Thank you. Please!
Please, stop it!
Enough. It's enough.
the American Jewish Federation...
You Jews, you wonderful Jews.
Who needs Santa Claus? Am I right?
Tonight, the AJF
presents its highest honor
its Global Humanitarian Award
to the finest human being
I have ever known.
This award goes to my father,
Mr. Ben Feld.
We love you, bubby!
Ben! We're here for you!
Isn't he handsome?
And kosher, right?
Love you.
Now, most of you may think
of my father as, first and foremost
an incredibly successful
corporate legend
but he has always taught me
about responsibility
and giving something back.
He would say, "Sweetheart,
you are the prettiest, the smartest
the most perfect girl
in the whole world
so you must reach out
to all of those who aren't."
Doesn't Marci look fabulous?
The full Marci.
Ten years ago, we opened
our first shelter for the homeless
helping those in need
of a bed, counseling
and shampoo and conditioner.
Next came a drug rehab program
called "Marci Cares"
and today, there are
25 branches of Marci Cares
all across the tri-state area.
Can you imagine
being addicted to heroin?
It's heartbreaking.
But does the weight stay off?
I only wish that my mother, Sheila
could be with us
on this joyous occasion.
But, as some of you know,
six years ago
while we were opening
a free clinic in Johannesburg
she was tragically killed
by a savage South African leopard.
It is in her memory
that I would now like
to present this medal of mercy
a medal from Marci.
Tonight, this award goes
to my father, Mr. Ben Feld!
We have problems, sir.
Daddy, where are you going?
Was it the entre?
- What's going on?
- Marci, incoming.
This way, Miss Feld.
Daddy, what is wrong? I...
Sweetheart, sit.
The corporate crisis
centering on Ben Feld
has begun to escalate out of control.
I got here as fast as I could.
Daddy, what is this?
- Feld's massive corporate holdings
- Daddy's busy.
include the notorious
urban record label
called Felony Assault.
Earlier today,
that label released a new CD
by controversial
gangsta rap star Dr. S.
Dr. S has been a hardcore success
- for the past decade.
- I don't know this person.
- His songs are known
- He's a rapper.
for their extreme sexual
and often violent content.
His latest release, however,
is by far his most provocative.
Controversy is erupting
protesters are converging
on Feldco headquarters in Manhattan.
- An angry mob is calling for blood
- Shame!
- specifically
- Shame!
- the blood of mogul Ben Feld
- Shame!
- Daddy, is that your picture?
- who's been honored tonight
- as a great humanitarian.
- Shame!
- I am here with senator
- Shame!
and leading media watchdog
Mary Ellen Spinkle.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah!
I am appalled.
Is she wearing a helmet?
I am outraged.
I am so disgusted
that I can barely speak
but I will.
Oh, my God!
This recording
is unspeakably offensive
not just to all Americans,
but to all human beings everywhere.
I will not quote the lyrics
because, as a Christian
I cannot even pronounce
some of the words.
But let me just read you
some of the song titles
"Shoot the Teacher."
Oh, my...
- Yes!
- Not good.
"I Am the King of Your Mouth."
Very nice.
"You My Special Bitch."
"I Love You Because I'm High."
"Six Grades Are Plenty."
Lane, did you ask Legal?
Do I really own this label?
You bought it years ago
as part of a package.
"It Ain't My Baby
Because I Don't Like You."
- This is it.
- And "The Power in my Pants."
Has Dr. S gone too far?
I don't blame these rappers
I blame the man
who profits from this perversion!
I blame the man
who makes his dirty millions
from the wholesale slaughter
of our children's innocence!
I blame an American Satan, Ben Feld!
I am calling for a complete boycott
of all Feldco products
including movies, newspapers,
TV shows, and DVDs!
A boycott?
Are you listening to this, Mr. Feld?
Or I should say "Mr. Filth."
Ben Feld, you are a dead man!
- Ben?
- Ben?
- Daddy!
- Ben, don't die!
The moral firestorm
blazing around Ben Feld
has raged into
a white-hot economic inferno.
A what?
Pickets have closed
record stores nationwide.
- My God... I'm choking...
- We have contacted Tubby Fenders
the president of Felony Assault,
who is currently serving time
- in a penitentiary.
- Look...
- Yo.
- Mr. Fenders, what about Dr. S?
Dr. S would never apologize!
He would never bow down
to the white man's censorship!
Just like me, he has been
unjustly oppressed and accused!
Tubby Fenders, the president
of Felony Assault Records.
Give me that remote!
Big baby!
I can't believe this. Everything
I worked for my whole life
it's all going to crumble.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
- Daddy!
- Because you have to see all this.
Because I...
I just wish I had a son.
Why would you want a son?
Someone to take over, to take charge,
so that you wouldn't have to worry.
Someone we could trust.
Oh, my God.
In just two weeks,
we are going to put Ben Feld on trial
before the entire civilized world
and China...
That's it! I'm out of here!
- What?
- Dr. Skellar! I need Dr. Skellar!
- Daddy! Look what's happening.
- Dr. Skellar! No!
I can't stay here!
- You get back in that bed,
- I'm not gonna...
- Your Highness.
- I need a phone.
- You don't need a phone to calm...
- Mr. Feld.
Mr. Feld, you are
an extremely sick man.
Now, no visitors,
and nurse, get rid of that television
and I need
ten cc's of Valium right now.
- Thank you.
- For your father.
- Ben...
- What?
I'm going to put you
in complete isolation
for two weeks for your own good.
No cell phones, no faxes,
no Internet, nothing.
Like the '80s?
I'm warning you, Ben.
If you have any more stress,
it could kill you.
Sweetheart, please, just go.
You don't think
the rules apply to you, do you?
Ben, you're in real danger.
You're a very sick man.
Thank God you're rich.
You're here in this hospital
and you're going to stay here
until I release you.
- Sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Marce!
- Marci!
- Marci, I can't believe it!
- Are you all right?
Is your dad okay?
- Have you bathed?
- Look, chocolates!
- Did you get a chance to bathe yet?
- They're for you... and your dad.
But I feel so useless.
I love my father so much
and I can't even help him.
And he doesn't really want me to try.
Why not?
He said he wished he had a son.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I'm not strong enough
or smart enough.
Maybe I am just a socialite.
Excuse me?
Just a socialite?
You serve on the boards
of three major museums.
You are a guest editor at Vogue,
Vanity Fair, and Mademoiselle.
And last year alone,
you raised over seven figures
for literacy, muscular dystrophy
and cancer.
In this town, you are cancer.
No, but this involves
law suits and spin control
and the whole worldwide
entertainment industry.
Which is your life.
You introduced Princess Diana
to Mother Teresa
at your bat mitzvah.
They had cake.
- Not Diana.
- Time Magazine has declared you
the most charming white woman
in America under fifty.
Except we're talking about rap.
And, you know,
the inner cities and censorship
and the cultural legacy
of black people.
- I happen to adore black people.
- Word.
- Word up.
- Word perfect.
You can get anybody
to do anything you want.
It's your gift.
Yeah, and my dad is being isolated.
But I've only got two weeks
until the hearings.
So get out there...
And show your father
just what you're capable of.
You say, "Watch out, America,
here comes Marci."
Yeah, I'm going to go see that Dr. S,
in person, on his own turf.
I'll explain everything
and we can work together.
- Marci cares.
- Marci loves.
Marci saves her father's life.
So where is this Dr. S?
- Uptown.
- Uptown.
All the way.
Yeah, someone call for a doctor?
You say you want the power,
the power to see
You say you want the power,
the power to be
You want to see the power,
then give it a glance
Come on, I got the power,
the power in my pants
You say you want the power,
the power so fine
Screaming for the power,
the power that's mine
If I showed you all the power,
you'd go into a trance
I have you in my power,
with the power in my pants
We want the power
Try not to stare
We want the power
Give me some air
We want the power
Give me some drums
We want the power
Here it comes
You say you want the power,
the power to come
You want to ride
the power to the maximum
You say you use the power
to enhance romance
Come on, take some power,
the power in my pants
You say you need the power,
the power supreme
You want to touch the power,
till you make it your dream
- You play with the power
- Excuse...
- You know it's your chance
- Hi.
Got a magic wand, yeah,
the power in my pants
- We want the power
- Hold on to your purse.
'Cause he got game
We want the power
You're playing games
- All right!
- Yeah!
Feel my song inside your thong
The power that stick,
that knows every trick
If you can't live with it,
then you don't know dick
Thank you.
Y'all sit down. Sit your asses down.
All right. How y'all feeling?
Ain't y'all glad
there's a doctor in the house?
I want to give a special shout out
to someone who is
near and dear to my heart.
I think you all know
who I'm talking about.
That's right.
She's a recording artist
and she's got a workout video
and her own perfume.
And she got an ass
you just want to take pictures with.
You know who I'm talking about,
The Booty Monster herself...
Miss Yolanda Quinones.
Am I late?
You're late,
but you're right on time.
Come on, sit down
while the Doctor put on the clinic.
Hey, Medic, show 'em how we operate.
Go. Go talk to him.
- For your father.
- Mingle.
Spanky, here.
Coming off,
coming through and going back.
Dr. S, hi. Marci Feld.
It's a pleasure. Really.
Who are you?
I'm Ben Feld's daughter.
Anyway, I can see you're very busy,
so I'm just going to take a second.
But we really do have to chat about
- you know, your new CD.
- Why?
I'm sure you know
all about the hoo-ha.
I'm also sure you're every bit
as upset about it as I am.
You know.
You're upset?
You're hot and bothered?
Anyway, I have a plan.
- You do?
- Yeah.
You're just going to love it.
I bet I will.
Oh, yeah.
This is all covered with you.
- You could sell that.
- Oh, yeah?
On eBay.
Thirty seconds.
Okay. Here it is.
Next week, you're supposed
to appear live at the MTV Awards.
Perfect, it's global,
millions of people watching.
Just the perfect place
for you to say to the entire world
"I'm really sorry. I went too far.
Ben Feld is fabulous, and I apo..."
I'm good. Thank you.
"...and I sincerely apologize."
Tomorrow morning at ten o'clock
I thought we could kick things off
you know,
with a public relations event
sort of, in a way.
Five seconds.
How do I look?
You look amazing.
Okay, I got to run.
Stick around, all right?
Okay. You're too sweet. I mean that.
It went very well.
He said to wait here,
and I don't know why.
Y'all take five.
What's happening?
Check this out. I don't know
if y'all been tracking it
but a lot of people
been coming down on the Doctor
for speaking his mind.
Folks like Senator Spinkle
and the media.
And Mr. Ben Feld.
Guess who we got
in the audience tonight?
We got his little goddamn daughter,
Marci Feld is here.
Kick her ass!
Kill her!
And she wants me
- No.
- to apologize...
Hell, no!
and do some public relation shit.
She wants me to change who I am.
I say, bitch!
- Oh, my God.
- Bring your pasty white ass
- You get out there.
- out here.
You tell him you are not a bitch.
Not always.
Get off the stage!
That's your answer right there.
I'm a real nigger.
I don't change for no one.
I ain't changing shit.
Can I get an amen?
You're out of your element, baby.
You're out of your league.
And you're out of your goddamn mind.
This is Harlem.
Get the hell out of my ghetto.
'Cause these people
ain't feeling you.
You know why? 'Cause you're not real.
You're unreal.
You're where real goes to die.
What do you mean I'm not real?
Talking about down.
Real is who you are.
And it's what you ain't.
Kill that bitch!
Shoot that bitch!
- I'm sorry.
- Wack!
- Okay!
- Wack!
If I can get real,
whatever the hell that means
will you show up tomorrow morning?
And how you going to get real?
What you going to do?
You going to rap for us?
No, I can't rap.
You can't rap? Then I can't go. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- All right.
If I do rap, do I have your word?
Word to your mother.
Here go. But you're going
to need a little beat.
- Hold on.
- What do you mean, a beat?
What? Come on, man.
You can't rhyme
if you don't have no rhythm.
Hi, hey, everybody have a nice day
All right!
It's okay.
Maybe she needs some bass.
Give her some bass.
Yeah, I need bass.
Give her some of S!
- Yes!
- Okay...
Hi, I'm so real
Let me tell you how I feel
God, this is so embarrassing.
- She's so white.
- I can't watch.
We know how you feel.
And I know what you want to feel.
But he's mine, bitch.
Okay, just give me another beat.
We're running out of beats.
Give her another one. Go on.
Now listen,
I know I suck at this, okay?
But it's my very first time.
And I'm just not very musical.
Although I did love Lion King.
All right, so, but rapping.
Let me just think for a minute, okay?
So, okay, so rapping,
it's about being...
about being honest...
"real," right?
Okay. So...
I would really like
to talk to all the women
in the audience, in the house.
As you say.
Give me what you gave him.
- Mar-say!
- Girlfriend.
Get down.
He says he's got the power
Somewhere in his pants
He says that I'm not real
That I don't stand a chance
Okay, I'm white,
I'm blonde, I'm Jewish
Could it get any worse?
But I have got a secret
The power in my purse
When I was very little,
my mom said to me
A man's just a man,
and nothing comes free
Who can I trust in this universe?
She said you trust the power,
the power in your purse
We've got the power
This one's Chanel
We've got the power
New purse smell
We've got the power
Yes, it's all right here
We've got the power
Come on, dawgs, get it in gear
You tell it, girl!
Go on!
It's au courant, just what you want
Hermes, Versace, Saint Laurent
Please give me more of Michael Kors
And Gucci, Pucci, Miss Dior
Louis Vuitton just gets me gone
Ferra, Dolce, turn me on
Halston, Calvin, hip hooray
Herve Leger and Gaultier
Give me Ralph or give me Donna
Valentino, yes, I wanna
Lagerfeld, and in all candor
Balenciaga and Jill Sander
Armani, please, you know I gotta
And Missoni, Boss and Prada
Badgley Mischka, Courreges, Cardin
Can I keep going? Yes, I can
De la Renta and Kamali
Lecroix, Bill Blass, bravo, Cavalli!
Betsey Johnson, Anna Sui
I see me in a Givenchy
Von Furstenburg and Perry Ellis
Please, Mark Jacobs, don't be jealous
I love them all, it's like a curse
It's fashion power in my purse
She's got the power
I love this thing
She's got the power
Everyone, sing
She's got the power
God, what it stores
She's got the power
So come on now, what's in yours?
- I got powder
- I've got gloss
- I got Kleenex
- I got floss
- I've got Visa
- MasterCharge
Yo, girlfriends, you're living large
- I've got gum
- A bra with lace
- I've got tweezers
- I've got mace
- I got my smokes
- I've got a light
I've got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night
Thank you, Jesus
For my heavenly purse
Okay, all right.
And I am telling you I'm not going
That's all I know.
We've got the power
We cannot lose
We've got the power
Look, it matches our shoes
We've got the power
Come on, everyone dance
We've got the power
See, we don't need pants
- Yeah
- Power
We've got the power
We've got the power
We've got the power
You my goddamn lawyer,
just get me out of here.
Dr. S is joining
a public service campaign
to promote sexual abstinence.
Still, Feldco stock
continues to plummet.
Yo, Tubby!
Go, mama.
Did you hear about that Marci?
How could you let that happen to me?
Baby, I'm in the joint, boo.
Tubby, you and I have a deal.
You promised me
total personal management.
That is why I signed with your label.
You gave me your word on Dr. S.
You said that
we could be a power couple.
It's under control. I know we got to
do something about that bitch.
When, Tubby?
I'm on it. I'll let you know, baby.
But he'll be here any second.
He gave me his word.
He's already cost us over two hours.
You know, he's on his way.
He's in the car. His people called.
Dr. S.
I told you.
You look great.
Doctor, this is your director, Todd.
Okay, what is this shit?
Well, we're making
a public service spot
sponsored by
the Save Our Families Foundation
and you are going to be
its spokesperson.
Isn't that the best?
Hold on, spokesperson for what?
Yes. Let me introduce you
to your costars.
This is so major.
Just last week they sold
over 1.2 million copies
of their new CD.
What are you doing?
Look, they are huge.
This way.
Parents love them
because they are non-threatening.
Now if you appear with them
people will see that
you're not so, you know
filthy and evil and disgusting.
Not that those are bad things.
You know, last night, I thought
you were just some crazy-ass bitch.
Now I have three little words to say.
"Thank you, Marci"?
"Bye, bye, bye."
If you don't do this,
I will call Feldco
and we will stop
shipping your CDs today.
And you will be dead meat.
Which also describes abstinence.
Okay, what do I got to do?
Come on, the press will be here soon.
We've got all the magazines
and the papers.
Don't you love this?
It reminds me of my playhouse
when I was little.
Did you have a playhouse?
- I did.
- I did.
Okay. Dr. S, this is Mikey,
Jonathan, Adam and Kelly.
Dr. S, may I present Boyz R Us.
- What up?
- Props to the Doctor.
Okay, why don't we
run through the song
so Dr. S can see what it is
he'll be doing with you?
Watch it. Here.
Bell, please.
Okay, this will be a full rehearsal
- with cameras and everything.
- You want to sit?
- Can I get some lights, please?
- No.
And... action!
"A" mark.
Sexual abstinence spot, take one.
Hold on
Let's wait
Let's hold hands in the sunset
Let's date
What I feel for you is special
So let's not spoil it
Our bodies are a temple
Not a public toilet
Take care
Say whoa
If you see me coming
Girl, it's time to go
Let's be patient till our wedding day
Till God tells us that it's okay
Till then, let's stay six feet away
Girl, shut that gate
Hold off
Let's wait
Let's wait.
- Love of God.
- Perfect!
- Wonderful! Beautiful!
- Wasn't that something?
Guys, that was really nice.
Can you get through?
Yeah, that was something.
Bravo. Honestly.
And you're going to introduce them.
Isn't that inspiring?
We have a responsibility to our fans.
Yeah, we get
so many beautiful letters
- from these sweet little girls.
- And their families.
And college-educated older men.
Dr. S?
Okay, I'm there.
But first, I'm gonna need
somewhere private to rehearse.
Of course.
With my dawgs.
Bell, please.
You see? I told you
he'd be into this.
He's gonna make America say
"Hey, let's give this guy
another chance."
- We're lucky to have him.
- Yeah.
- "A" mark.
- Sexual abstinence spot, take two.
And action!
Hey, kids.
Gather 'round. It's me, Dr. S.
And I know,
especially when you're young
this world can be
a very complicated place.
So I want you to listen up
to some good pals of mine
'cause they got a very important
message for today's teens.
Hey, guy
Let's date
'Cause we're both something special
Not straight
What I feel for you is groovy
So let's enjoy it
I think your sister's pretty
But let's boy and boy it
I saw
You wink
And life is so much better
Now that we're in sync
I really like your smiling face
My beach house has a fireplace
We'll watch reruns of Will and Grace
Let's fornicate
Hold on
Hold tight
Let's date
Let's date.
- That was so good.
- Wasn't it?
Now please keep in mind
this is your last chance
to clean up your act.
You're lucky I thought
of bringing you tonight.
This party is such a fabulous idea
for our campaign.
Now people will see that
you're really decent
and helpful and nice.
Nice, my ass.
When you gonna wake up
and smell the brother?
What is that, rabbit?
Siberian chinchilla, 300 Gs.
What's that you got on?
Lab rat?
This is classic white mink.
Is that platinum?
Yes, ghetto fabulous.
What about your earrings,
those real diamonds?
- Of course.
- Wow.
I didn't know
they made them that small.
You know, you remind me
of someone in that outfit
with the jewelry and the hair.
Yeah, who?
Biggie? Tupac? DMX?
My Aunt Esther.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
to our annual auction
to benefit CWNFITA
Children With No Feeling
In Their Arms.
It is a terrible illness
still affecting
far too many wee ones.
Wee ones?
It's tragic. They can't dial.
Ouch! Stop it!
Thank you. That's great. All right.
Our first item is
something truly, deeply exciting.
It's dinner for two
with the handsome,
the totally dreamy Mr. Donald Trump.
I love Donald.
She can't be real.
Who wants dinner with Donald Trump?
You don't have to touch him.
Maybe he's changed.
That's his real hair.
- This is wack.
- Wack?
That means "bad."
I do volunteer work
teaching black teenagers
to wear the correct size.
I'll be back. Excuse me.
Is that Chuck Berry?
Wow. What is he doing?
You need some help, baby.
I'm here to back you up.
I'm working, okay?
Just go back to your seat.
It's okay. We're working
together as a team.
They're old.
They don't have much time left.
Look, shout out to the wee one.
Throw your hands up.
- Stop it.
- Hey.
We got to get
these wee ones some arms.
My first item up
I need to talk to just the ladies.
Fellas, take five.
He is so sexy.
He's a gangsta.
He raps about guns
and bitches and hos.
That's what I said.
'Cause I know you ladies
all beautiful and bangin' and alone.
Are you alone, mama?
I'm with my husband.
Yeah, you're alone.
And you're all here with
your husbands and your ex-husbands
and future ex-husbands,
but you're all alone.
I see it in your eyes.
Who's dis?
He's my fourth husband.
Your fourth husband.
Is he rich?
Not rich enough.
Then you're still alone.
And what do we have here?
Look at these lovely creatures
over here.
Hi, ladies.
Tell me the truth,
y'all ever get it on?
One bed, four bitches? Be honest.
I'm telling you
this room is just full of lush
lonely, lovely ladies.
Don't touch.
Now, who's wearing that perfume
that got me all worked up,
turned on, turned out?
- Me.
- Me.
Hey, now, now, don't fight, delight.
That's right, ladies
because you all deserve
something mo' better
mo' blacker, mo' me.
Late at night you want
something hot and homey.
You're not homey.
So, right now, I'm offerin'
a house call from the doctor of love.
We gonna start the bidding at 20 Gs.
Twenty thousand.
Ladies, it's for the wee ones.
They can't touch themself no place.
Do I hear 30 Gs?
- Thirty thousand!
- Thirty-one thousand!
Thirty-five thousand!
- Forty thousand!
- Fifty thousand!
Seventy thousand!
One hundred thousand dollars!
That's great.
For the kids.
All right.
Thank you.
I'm so embarrassed.
Stop it. You made the bid.
- He's got you.
- That's true.
- He's the man.
- He's a player.
We're his bitches.
Yo, Yolanda, I just got word
they headed for the club.
Get over there.
- Tubby?
- What?
On the way, boo.
What is this place?
This is my club. My hang.
Do you own it?
Damn right.
And I will open up branches
in L.A, Atlanta, and Miami.
Plus a hotel and casino in Vegas.
- He's a mogul.
- Like your father.
Very nice.
Stop it.
Yo, S!
Ladies, may I present to you
T-Bill, Freekazoid and Quantrelle.
They all have such funny names.
Kirsten Blatt.
Caitlin Mellowitz.
Lauren Farb.
Baby, yeah.
You know, I did make the winning bid
at the auction for a house call.
So where does it hurt?
I'm not sure.
Does it hurt right there?
- Does that hurt?
- Maybe.
What about right over here?
You must got a fever.
Maybe I'll feel better
down on the dance floor.
Stop. You dancing,
gettin' down busy?
I love dance.
Oh, my God, there was this one piece
in college
during Black History Month
we learned
this dance celebrating diversity.
Do you want to see it?
Come on! Let's go!
- Okay, we need room.
- This some good weed.
This is perfect.
Wait. Excuse me, D.J.
We're going to explore multi-cultural
harmony through self-expression.
Hector, cut it.
We're going to reach out.
We're going
to celebrate understanding.
Yo, what's up
with those white chicks?
They gonna go dance
the black experience.
We are in Kenya.
Yeah. Okay.
And I'm an African princess strolling
along the Nile with my handmaidens.
Our princess is proud.
But lonely.
She fears she will never find
her perfect rainbow soul mate.
We dance the tragic despair
of the unmarried princess.
- What was in that weed?
- That's what I'm sayin'.
The tribal drummer feels our pain.
And his ancient rhythms
fill our souls.
To lift our spirits,
we sing our favorite tribal chant.
The words mean,
"Maybe I should become a lesbian."
Suddenly, one of the handmaidens
breaks away.
She runs across the fields
discovering freedom and joy
and her own personal creativity.
That one's craziness is catchy,
right there.
- All right, chill, handmaiden.
- Calm down, dear.
The princess...
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
wonders if she will be alone forever.
Then late one night, a noble prince
arrives from the village far away.
No. Don't push me.
A village called Harvard Law School.
He is handsome and regal.
Hello, ladies.
Do I know you?
There is a gathering
with music and movement.
Your Highness.
You, too.
- Don't talk too much.
- Don't eat anything.
Ask about his hobbies.
You will have many strong children.
- When you're ready.
- When he's king.
There is fire!
There is heat. He's a great dancer.
Yo, what?
Oh, snap, Yolanda's here.
You on your own, brah.
Baby, I was just...
I'm just gonna be right there.
I'm sorry. I was just dancing.
I was telling...
You have insulted my people.
Your people?
You've insulted
Ricky Martin, Marc Anthony
Christina Aguilera,
on her father's side...
I'm sorry.
Yolanda, baby, you look so fine
in your little Peter Pan outfit.
I wouldn't dog you, you know that.
But does she?
You kicked me.
Stop it! This is so wrong.
Women do not have to fight
each other over a man!
Not without mud, y'all.
Stop it! Stop kicking me!
Okay, ladies, just stop it, okay?
Y'all calm down
otherwise somebody's blouse
might get pulled open.
I'm warning you
I know Tae-Bo.
I could kill you while I sculpt
and tone my midsection. Tae-Bo!
- She hit her.
- You have touched me!
- And you've affected my hair!
- Yeah.
Check this out:
six bills on the white chick.
- Yeah, I got that.
- Yolanda!
Stop! Put that down!
- Give me that.
- No!
Drop it!
- Marci!
- Marci!
Everybody freeze!
White girl, she's got the gun.
It's not mine.
Drop your weapon!
On the floor? It's filthy.
- Do it now!
- Okay.
Cuff her.
Cuff me?
My skin's very dry.
But it's going to chafe.
S, I was so scared.
I was bleeding and bleeding.
I think I need a photographer.
Dateline: depravity.
Last night,
out-of-control heiress Marci Feld
was arrested in
an exclusive uptown nightspot
where she allegedly fired
18 rounds of live ammunition
into a crowd of innocent bystanders.
How will this rampage affect
Marci's father, Ben Feld
who remains hospitalized?
Is Marci now the gangster gal
of notorious rap demon Dr. S?
All across America,
outraged citizens are asking
"Has Marci gone mad?"
- Marci Feld?
- Yes.
Get movin'. Somebody posted bail.
Who? I told them, no one
is allowed to call my father.
You'll never guess.
You posted my bail?
How 'bout "thank you"?
"Thank you, Dr. S."
"Thank you"?
Yeah, thanks to you,
this happened to me.
Look at my shoe.
And this gown was new, you know.
My skin...
I had to give my moisturizer
to this huge transvestite
with a razor blade.
You smell like fuzz.
Thank you for the information.
Oh my God!
This could ruin everything!
- God.
- I look beautiful.
- Please put the paper down.
- I got you covered.
Why? Why did I think
I could fix everything?
Because you're
daddy's spoiled little girl...
that's why.
You know, I spent all night
with these women in that cell.
Hookers and pickpockets,
drug dealers.
I thought I was so superior
and just now I'm realizing
they have a skill.
They can take care of themselves.
I mean, yeah,
they're all criminals, but
they know who they are.
Who am I? I'm nothing.
Oh, God.
Look, you know what you are?
You're a baller.
I am?
A bo'n thug.
I don't even know what that is.
When you were dancing in that club...
you was kind of loose.
Kind of bangin'.
I banged?
You was down.
How low?
When you was doing
all that Tae-Bo shit
waving that gun around...
Yeah. That was kind of hot.
- That was some sexy shit.
- Yeah.
You was illin'.
I was da bomb.
You were da shit.
I was the big smelly turd.
Is that one?
Give me this.
Come on, get in the car.
Because it's a limo.
All right.
- Got some right there.
- Thank you.
Well... don't.
Where are we going?
To my crib.
We can't do this.
- Okay. I'll take you home.
- Okay.
But first can I ask you a question?
When black people make love,
is it different?
From white folks?
It's good.
Wait. But first,
you have to tell me one thing.
What is your real name?
Can I trust you?
Kelvin. Kelvin Drell.
I like that. It's real.
Wait. Now you got
to tell me something.
you've never told anyone else.
Like what?
- Your weight.
- No.
No, that... I couldn't do that.
No, that's too intimate.
No, I'm saving that
for my wedding night.
Trust me. You'll feel better.
Why should I tell you, of all people?
Because I don't care.
Dr. S's posse is so hot.
It turns out Freekazoid went
to Harvard Business School
with my brother!
T-Ville is going to open
his own restaurant.
- Quantrelle isn't just a lawyer.
- He isn't?
He's a new form of Pilates.
Marci spent the whole night in jail.
- She did?
- With Martha Stewart.
Okay! That's great.
Almost a quarter mile.
I'm exhausted.
- The club!
- Yolanda!
- Jail!
- How are you?
You know how just forever I've been
going out with one guy after another
and it's never really worked out?
Like that gorgeous investment banker.
- And the senator.
- And Bill Gates.
And you know how they're all great
but none of them
ever quite measured up
to this dream I had
of the perfect man?
Someone incredibly successful.
And incredibly sexy.
And incredibly strong.
Last night, I found him. He found me.
- Oh, my God!
- This is so beautiful.
There's just one day to go
before the MTV Music Awards
and the story
the world can't stop talking about
is the rumored romance
between Dr. S and Marci Feld.
What's going on between
the princess and the player?
Is it the real thing?
Mary Hart.
Man, she don't write back.
Well well...
- My man!
- My brother!
- Dawg!
- Cat!
- S!
- T!
- Yo!
- Bro!
'Sup? You wanted to see me?
Yeah, I wanted to know
all those years ago in the projects,
who found you?
- Who?
- Who?
You was living next-door.
You were hungry. You broke in.
But who gave you the beats?
Who taught you to bounce?
Who made the first tape?
- Yeah.
- Who duped the demo?
- Who? Who did it?
- That's right.
We did it together,
we started the label
and you kept getting busted,
and I kept you on board.
But who believed?
That's right, Tubby! Right! Tubby...
What's up? What's going down?
You, my brother, and
I'm saying that because I love you.
I love you, too, dawg.
And you're wack.
I tried to help you.
I sent Yolanda out
to get your attention.
You passed on by, you passed on over,
you passed on out.
Sure did.
What are you talking about?
Today we dealing with Dr. S,
with a special BET jam
which I'm calling, "He Real?"
So what do you think of Dr. S?
Is he real?
I don't know, man,
he used to be a bad-ass baller
but now, what up?
He's supposed to be with Yolanda.
He ain't down; he ain't real
he ain't even Dr. S, not no more.
Man, he Dr. Seuss.
Those are just kids talking.
They're consumers.
- Buy your records!
- Right. Pay the bills! Yes.
Dr. S? I used to love him.
When I was doing it
with my last boyfriend
I would put Dr. S's head on him.
But not now.
I hate him.
What, did he run out of black women?
There's none left?
She don't know what's going on.
So with you and that Marci bitch
for the whole last week
what's really been going down, dawg?
Yeah, talk to us, S.
We just like spending time
together, having a meal.
Last night we rented DVDs. So what?
Which ones?
They were kind of fabulous.
I mean, we saw,
Sleepless in Seattle, City of Angels
You've Got Mail, stuff like that.
Meg Ryan?
Not just Meg Ryan, nah, man.
I mean, we did
some hardcore inner-city shit, too.
- All right.
- Like this one
where this chick teaches these little
ghetto kids how to play violins.
Meryl Streep?
This is like some sci-fi shit.
You're turning into a Jewish chick.
Mazel tov.
Son, you got to choose:
the bitch or the brothers!
- That's right.
- 'Sup?
What's it gonna be?
The MTV Awards are tomorrow night
and everyone wants to know.
Dr. S, will he apologize? Should he?
To get some answers, we're here
outside the Eastside home
of heiress Marci Feld.
Here she comes right now!
- Marci!
- Marci!
- Hi, Marci.
- Hi.
Marci, what are you planning
to say to Congress next week?
Marci, what are you
planning to testify?
Okay, one at a time, though.
You, yes.
Marci, how's your dad?
Better and better.
Don't you just love him?
- What about Dr. S?
- Who?
- Are you really involved?
- What about Yolanda?
What about Congress?
Okay, I will tell you this.
Everyone should really watch
the MTV Awards tomorrow night
because you are going to see
a whole new Dr. S.
He's really not about
sex and violence, not anymore.
He's all about love.
Yesterday, we rented
Kate and Leopold.
Global Premiere Video.
I'm a woman of color
Color me blue
Because I fell in love
With an asshole like you
I hate you, bitch Marci
Look at you! Who's my daddy?
I really shouldn't allow this,
but remember, it's just for tonight
and after the show
I want him
right back here in his bed.
But the MTV Awards?
last week you told me
that you wished you had a son.
I was upset. I was crazy.
I never should have said that.
It's okay. You were right.
You need someone that people respect.
Someone real.
Daddy, tonight
I think you're going to see that
finally, after all these years,
just maybe...
I can be that person.
Of course you can, baby.
And there's someone
I want you to meet.
Someone who has made
all the difference.
Daddy, he is so wonderful.
Bring your medication.
Dr. S!
We're here live at the MTV Awards
and the question
on everyone's mind is
Dr. S, will he apologize?
Is he over,
or is he just getting started?
Senator Spinkle.
If Dr. S has not completely changed
his so-called music
tonight will be the end
of him and Ben Feld.
We will crush them.
Really, Senator?
But I don't want people
to think I'm some right-wing ogre.
I enjoy contemporary sounds,
and so does my son Chip.
So, Chip, who are your favorites?
He loves that Mariah Carey
and Cher and...
What is that group
that you like so much?
Boyz R Us.
Thank you, Chip. Thank you, Senator.
Thank you very much.
- This place is packed.
- Yeah, isn't it great?
It's really full.
- Excuse me. What happened?
- You okay?
You look good. I love this hat.
It's not too much?
No. Not too much.
- Now, ladies and gentlemen,
- Okay.
and MTV viewers worldwide
it's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Please welcome, please give it up
for Let's Make Some Nasty
with Dr. S and the NNPP!
Yo, what's up?
Yo, live global interface, what's up?
People everywhere, what's going on?
Everybody's waiting.
Everybody's wondering,
what's he gonna say?
There's been a lot of controversy
surrounding my music
my mind, my action.
Folks been saying stuff like,
"Is he righteous? Is he real?"
So I decided to make a statement.
This ain't about Congress.
Ain't about Ben Feld.
It's about a very special lady.
This lady got it going on.
I mean, she make a plan,
and she makes it happen.
She's something else.
This is
a whole other level of lady...
and she's really made
an impression on me.
Because this lady
likes to play doctor.
Baby, I'm thinking of you
Want to show you how much I love you
I'm so into you,
a little kiss won't do
So you gotta let me love you, baby,
through and through
- So sweet.
- I already touched your face
Isn't he something?
This is the guy.
Oh, honey.
You're the one for me
Let me tell you
where my love should be
In the butt,
let me love you in the butt
Baby, to prove my love in sincere
Let me deliver it in the rear
In the butt, from behind
Forget fast forward, push rewind
Girl, I did that sizzlin' strut
Take it, in the butt
Down she goes!
Who's the boss?
Where the sun don't shine
Take it, in the butt
- Take it, in the butt
- Daddy.
Okay, go.
Take it, in the butt
- Take it, in the butt!
- In the butt!
I love it.
Flush Ben Feld!
For the past 24 hours,
Feldco has once again
been making headlines
all over the world.
The troubled corporation
is now near complete bankruptcy
and Ben Feld remains hospitalized.
I'm speaking with concerned parents.
Flush Ben Feld!
In The Butt, your reaction?
That man is the devil!
Please join me in wearing
this brown ribbon of protest
when the hearings begin tomorrow.
Let us send our message to Dr. S
and the Feld family filth machine!
Stop the music!
Wipe it clean!
- Boycott Feldco!
- Excuse me, ma'am?
I'm no one.
I'm just visiting.
I'm not camera-ready.
I'm not camera...
Bye-bye. Bye.
Marce, it's Kirsten.
It's time for some sunshine.
And some Prozac.
Look, honey. Look.
And I just had to come over
just to tell you...
Everyone hates you.
I know.
Knock-knock. The butler let me in.
It's awful. It's shocking.
How can you bear it?
All those people.
What about the pickets
and the reporters?
- Are they still out there?
- All the networks.
- Plus CNN.
- And Stone Phillips.
He's cute.
He called you a whore.
So how's your father?
The doctor said it was just stress
not another heart attack,
but you never know.
Marce, first you lose your mom.
And now you kill your dad.
Is she all right?
No, I haven't bathed,
I haven't slept.
Have you eaten anything?
I can't. I'm too upset.
- Good girl!
- That's a good thing.
So, what about that Dr. S?
- How could he do this?
- How could he sing that song?
Marce, did you ever let Dr. S...
What about you and T-Bill?
In his dreams.
What about you and Freekazoid?
Not in this lifetime.
What about you and Quantrelle?
It was his birthday.
The committee is now in session.
Please be seated.
Will you please state your names?
Marci Michelle Jennifer Rebecca Feld.
- No.
- Yes.
Dr. S.
And the "S" is for?
And is that your given legal name?
- No.
- And that would be?
Horndog Tittyman
Pussyhound Snatchcatcher.
I see.
And this is precisely why
this committee must take
aggressive action against Feldco
and its hip-hop criminals
especially as a result
of this week's MTV Awards program.
Because on that night,
Dr. S told the entire world
that America is the land of the foul
and the home of the butt.
Isn't that the case?
No. Senator Spinkle
members of the committee
and everyone, no.
No, what happened that night...
This whole mess would...
Please just don't blame
my father, okay?
Just don't... and
don't even blame this person.
If you want
to blame someone, blame me.
Yes, I put myself in charge
of this whole situation, and
I just, of course,
made things so much worse
because I thought that I could just
save my father and Felony Assault
and the whole world.
I don't know. I just thought
that I was so right and so real
and just this morning
I put on five pounds from
the vending machines in the lobby.
Senator Spinky...
- Spinkle.
- Yeah.
This whole deal with you and
with these hearings and with my song
it's been one big,
complete misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding? Really?
I'm sorry, but I believe
that your message
has been, in fact, far too clear.
Just like the history
of the proud black people
once again, we've been misunderstood.
We've been accused and oppressed.
Ain't that right?
What are you talking about?
So I...
Miss Feld and I...
are gonna educate y'all.
We are?
Please do.
As African-Americans,
we got us a proud oral tradition.
That's right, mama.
We've even got our own language.
Ain't that right?
I said, ain't that right?
Yes. Yo!
See, and this is a language
that white folks
just ain't, like, down with.
They don't get it. Ya dig?
No, they don't. They don't.
As in, for example,
maybe, when "bad" means "good."
Or "illin'." It means "happening."
Who knew?
And like "phat." That's a black word
but in white English,
it would probably mean...
"Just swell."
You phat.
Thank you, motherfucker.
Which means "my dear friend."
- Right on.
- Peachy.
See, we can connect.
Can I get an "amen"?
Brothers and sisters?
So, like the joint
I was dropping at the awards show
I say, "Let me love you in the butt."
That's all.
You see what I'm saying?
No! We do not know
what you're saying.
Just hear him out. Don't be crack.
- Wack.
- Wack.
See, in the hood, "in the butt"
that don't mean like no sex thing.
No. Please. No.
Hell, no.
No, it means, I would imagine
something entirely
and completely different...
in the rich, vivid dialect
of a disenfranchised people
a people we once enslaved.
You know, my mama was a slave?
At Wendy's.
So, Dr. S, we're all eager
to hear, then
in that poetic, triumphant language
just what does the phrase mean?
It means,
"Let me love you with respect."
"Let me love you
in a very special way."
"Let me love you forever."
It's really so beautiful.
Know what I'm saying?
You dig?
No, I don't dig.
Two days ago,
controversial rap star Dr. S
told a Congressional committee
that in his song, In The Butt
the title phrase actually means,
"with love and respect."
Is this just a desperate ploy
to save his career
and the future of Feldco lndustries?
Or has the slang remark
actually begun to take hold?
Is Dr. S becoming
the new American hero?
All across America,
the cultural crossfire has begun.
We are gonna hang him high!
A national survey shows
strong youth support for Dr. S.
Please. These polls
are pure media distortion.
I am here to protect
and defend the American people
not to listen to them.
Dr. S, you are doomed.
You heard her:
We're doomed. Finished.
Senator Spinkle is so powerful,
so determined.
But In the Butt is
going triple platinum.
I bought five copies as gifts.
Plus, we're making all this money.
It's the biggest selling single
in the history of the label.
Celine Dion wants
to do a remix, as a duet.
But this isn't about money anymore.
Right? Isn't it
about freedom of speech?
- Yes.
- You're right.
For sure.
You're gonna have to take the single
and the CD off the shelves.
That's what Senator Spinkle
is demanding.
You now what she needs.
But that isn't going
to change her mind.
What else can we do?
You know, the ladies are right.
- We are?
- What are you thinking?
No. We can't.
It'll be wrong, it would be low.
It would be the title of my next CD.
Which is?
Play dirty.
I've got it!
For your mama.
Who was that? It's after midnight.
Delivery. Mom, are you still working?
the hearings end tomorrow.
I have to prepare my decision.
It's from Dr. S.
The note says
he made it just for you.
Please. Put that down.
And wash your hands.
But, Mom, everyone loves Dr. S.
That's not true.
There are millions more just like me.
It's called Utah.
Will you at least listen to it...
for me?
Now, go to bed.
And no Boyz R Us.
Senator Spinkle
I know that we've had our differences
but I've been thinking
about me and you
and I know you're up for re-election.
So maybe there's something I can do.
I promised Chip.
Vote for Spinkle
Yeah, you heard that right
Vote for Spinkle
I seen the light
Vote for Spinkle
That's what I'd do
- Vote for Spinkle, yeah
- Who does he think he is?
I am a United States senator.
Mary Ellen
That's what I'm sellin'
That's what I'm yellin'
Soon you'll be jellin'
Come on, Senator Spinky
You're on the brinky
Don't need no shrinky
You make me kinky
Don't you touch it
Vote for Spinkle
'Cause she's the one
Vote for Spinkle
And keep your gun
Vote for Spinkle
'Cause she's pro-life
Vote for Spinkle
But don't tell your wife
Thank you
Thank you
Twinkle, twinkle, little Spinkle
You're in the pink, so just unwrinkle
Come on, you're the one
Yeah, you make me hum
So watch out, White House
'Cause here she comes
Vote for Spinkle
That's one fine bitch
- Vote for Spinkle
- If you vote for Spinkle
She'll help the rich
Vote for Spinkle
- My sister, my brother
- Wow!
- Vote for Spinkle
- Just vote for Spinkle
'Cause she's a mutha
So, you have requested
a private meeting
before I announce my findings.
And I assume that you are hoping for
that you've come begging
for some sort of plea bargain.
- She's psychic.
- She knows.
I'm sorry, but it is far too late
for apologies or special favors.
Dr. S, it is time
to take your medicine.
I know.
My music can infect anyone.
Can you imagine the damage
one of my beats could perpetrate
if it got into the wrong booty?
What would happen to the country,
our families, these hearings?
If even a senator wasn't safe.
Who are you talking about,
Mrs. Clinton?
I mean what if the American people,
on every network, in prime time
was exposed to a Spinkle
shaking her thing to a Dr. S song?
But that's impossible.
That's entertainment.
Where did you get that?
You were taping me?
You're just like your father.
It's for your own good.
I love you, Mom.
In the butt.
After deep and sincere deliberations
the committee and I
have come to a decision
regarding Mr. Feld,
Dr. S and his music
and we have determined
that not only is this CD
not harmful in any way
it is, in fact...
the most important cultural document
since the Declaration
of Independence.
And it is every American's duty to
purchase as many copies as possible.
And do not download
or borrow or burn.
Miss Feld.
Thank you. I would just like to say
how proud and grateful I am
we all are, as citizens.
And I know that my father and Dr. S
join me in saluting this decision
in the name of justice, freedom,
and the American way of life.
In fact, these two men
these selfless, unbelievably
generous, all-American citizens
have also decided to donate 100%
of their profits from this recording
to the United Negro College Fund.
How about that!
Isn't that something? Good for you!
Good for you!
And on this occasion,
President Bush himself has asked
that Dr. S address the nation.
- What?
- Yes.
Who? The president?
I want to talk about being real.
Because whatever you do
and whoever you are
you've got to be real.
The problem is
who decides who's real and not.
And I say
there's only one way to find out.
And remember
you are both still under oath.
All right, she's real.
There was a time I had no drive
I breathed, but barely was alive
But fate changed what my life's about
Whoever thought that I would shout
I've got a job, it's like a dream
High fashion gives me self-esteem
So shop hip-hop, it all connects
I call my label Marci X
I'm real, I'm down, I'm total sex
I made parole in Marci X
Once they called her Stinky Spinkle
But in this look,
she starts to twinkle
I'm real, I'm down,
so clear the decks
I'm far right on in Marci X
Hey, Marce
We're glad
'Cause we love your collection
It's bad
I never judge, I don't condemn
- He's oh-so-butch
- He's kind of femme
We just had sex with Eminem
Yo Marce
My father now is feeling great
I dressed him for a special date
I'm down, I'm real,
but hold the phone
You've got the Doc, but I'm alone
I've made a match, I think they meld
Meet my new stepmom, Yolanda Feld
I'm a woman of color,
I make him twitch
Te amo, Ben, so color me rich
I fly by my couture du jour
It's de rigueur for him and her
It fades, it balls, it's total sex
- You'll catch your match
- In Marci X
Who's real, who's bad,
who's hittin' da butt?
- Who says, "Now stop it"
- Then shut up
Who's real, who's bad,
who is da bomb?
Email us at
I must confess, she was a mess
Not more, just less,
since she met the S
The doctor shocked her,
the doctor mocked her
The doctor rocked her,
then he wed-locked her
Who's real, who's down,
check out the dress
Don't hide the bride, it's Marci X
Don't mess with my music.