Mark, Mary & Some Other People (2021) Movie Script

[upbeat pop music]
Baby, baby, I'm
taken with the notion
To love you with
the sweetest
- [cellphone chimes]
- Doritos versus Fritos,
calories, question mark.
[Girl] Um, you could
just read the bag.
[Siri] Do you want protein
and fiber information?
[Siri] I didn't understand
that. Did you say Mary?
you, hey, you.
What's up?
You don't remember me?
Uh, I'm so sorry. I don't.
I need a hint.
Oh, um.
- No.
- No?
- No.
- Fuck.
I feel so bad. I'm sorry.
It's okay, don't.
We talked that one time at that
Undie-Run for charity thing,
and you showed up fully clothed,
and I was only in my
boxers, and you were like,
"This whole event reeks
of toxic masculinity."
And then you pointed out
how all the guys' nipples
were getting hard
because it was cold out,
and you never thought about
male nipples getting hard
or pointy or whatever.
And I was all like, "Don't
look at my nipples,"
or somethin'.
And then we bridged that
to how "Lord of the Flies"
is really overrated,
how it shouldn't
- be mandatory reading-
- Oh, um.
[Guy] for little kids.
Uh, Mark.
Mark Kenneth Samson.
[Mark] There ya go.
The three-first-names guy.
How are ya?
Okay. [laughs]
You look different.
Yeah, I lost some weight
or toned up or whatever.
I started going to the gym.
You weren't fat.
No, I know. I know.
I know.
[soft music]
Hey again.
Do I know you?
[Mark] Ha-ha.
[Mary chuckles]
Uh, this isn't for me.
I wasn't even...
It doesn't matter who
it's for. [laughs]
[Mary] Hi.
Hey, do you wanna
get a smoothie?
There's this really good
smoothie place near here.
[mellow music]
It's funny, my dad and I,
we actually are in the process
of making those things.
Making what?
Pregnancy tests.
People already make them.
Why would you make them?
Well, ours use your spit
instead of your urine.
And they can tell you
if you're ovulating.
It's less invasive.
Yeah, but there's no way
that's accurate, right?
Like, you just spit into
a little cup or something,
tells you if you've
created life?
Is that any weirder
than peeing on a stick?
Why aren't they
all like that then?
Good opportunities come from
things that don't exist yet,
you know, things people
don't realize they want.
It is for me.
[Mary] Yeah.
Well, that answers
that, I guess.
[Mary] Answers what?
I was wanna ask
if you're taken.
I'm single, technically.
[Mark] What do you want it
to be, one line or two lines?
They need to make the
results more clearer,
like baby or no baby.
I know, it's like,
this is one of the most important
moments in someone's life,
and these companies decide
to make it confusing.
You know what's
really crazy, though,
is that I could be
pregnant right now,
and nobody would be surprised.
What do you mean?
Do you think people
think you're a slut or-
- No.
- What?
- What?
- No?
- No.
[Mark stammers]
I'm at the right
age to have a kid.
And if I was in Arkansas,
I'd be considered late.
It feels like two seconds
ago that if I got pregnant,
it would be anarchy.
And then super fuckin'
soon after that,
your kid could come
out on that spectrum,
so that's something
you have to weigh.
Then you're just counting
down the days you have left,
because you're no longer
viable to, like, the earth.
I guess. You're really young.
Your femininity
doesn't die at menopause.
It dies the moment
you're no longer able
to safely reproduce.
And it sucks so much dick.
That pesky biological clock.
You don't even have to think
about any of this shit, ever.
Hey, don't blame me, okay.
I'm one of the good ones.
You know, I went to
the Women's March.
I went to two Women's
Marches, actually.
I went to two of 'em.
[keystrokes tapping]
Sorry, I was just thinking
that Biological Cock
would be a good band name,
and I didn't wanna forget it.
Are you in a band?
Yeah, we're called
Butter Cunt right now,
but we're always looking
for something better.
Can you make money from that?
Oh, no.
Look, I, I don't
really make money either.
First five years of a company,
you can't break even,
et cetera, et cetera.
How'd you and your parents
get into this saliva biz?
My parents are divorced, so
it's me and my dad's thing.
But yeah, it's
plastics manufacturing.
- What's your mom do?
- What's your mom do?
You're gonna ask
me what my mom does
before you ask me what I do?
Can I just say, I feel
like you got a lot of rules.
Mm, not really.
Let someone come inside me,
which is the reason
we're here now.
Okay. What do you do?
Like voiceover stuff for,
like, random businesses
and commercials and whatever.
Like what? Can I hear some?
Mark Kenneth Samson,
would you like to purchase
a subscription to
"Mind, Body, and Soul"?
[both laugh]
I also clean houses.
I also walk dogs.
[both laugh]
Is it not cool for me to ask
for your number right now?
'Cause I want to.
I should probably find out
if I'm knocked out first, right?
Mm, that makes a ton of sense.
Should I do it now?
[door rattling]
I didn't do it yet.
Can you come in here with
me for moral support?
While you pee?
That's a little-
- Don't make it weird.
It's a little weird.
[water sloshing]
Oh. [chuckles]
Oh man, you like to
stay hydrated, huh?
[Mary] I said,
don't make it weird.
Sorry, sorry.
[toilet flushes]
[both sigh]
Now what?
We wait.
For how long?
Three minutes. Why
don't you know that?
I feel like you
should know that.
I do know that. I know.
[Mark sighs]
[both laugh]
Do you wanna sing me a song?
What song?
Make one up.
You're an inventor.
You're the singer.
I'm in distress.
[Mark laughs]
Come on.
Okay, okay, okay.
Don't start it with baby.
You're the girl
in the bathroom
But also the
girl from college
No, no, distract.
Poetic, please.
And the opposite of a
baby is an old person
Yeah, the elderly
Maybe try singing louder,
like really, really loud.
La, la, la, la, la
Do it louder.
La, la, la, la, la
Really fuckin' loud.
La, la, la, la, la
[Mark laughs]
Keep going!
[Mark vocalizing musically]
Ooh yeah
You better wash your hands
When you're done
in the bathroom
Better wash your
hands when you're
Done in they bathroom
We're gonna get kicked out.
No, those are the rules
Worth it!
[Mark vocalizing musically]
[laughs] This is helpful?
- This is helping?
- Yes, continue.
[Mark vocalizing musically]
Hit the high note!
[Mark vocalizing theatrically]
[high note echoes]
[clock ticking]
You can have my number.
[mellow bassy music]
[moves to mellow dreamy music]
I can feel your shadow
I just wanna be
[camera clicks]
Oh, you can't,
you can't take photos.
Oh, yeah.
Different kind of service.
Can we go back
to the other thing?
I can't fight the
world's battles
I just wanna be next to you
Wanna be next to you
[Mark] What's this one?
[Mary] Shark fin.
Why a shark fin?
You know, like, keep moving.
What about
this one?
Just a drunken squiggle
from my high school boyfriend.
What about this one?
Squiggle from my
high school girlfriend.
Your high school experience
was a lot more active than mine.
[laughs] My favorite
one's the mouse trap.
I like this David Bowie one.
That's my mom, actually.
She passed away.
A lot of people
think that though.
She had a really
androgynous face.
Do you have any?
Never felt like I knew
the right thing to get.
Or, like, if I like something,
I could just frame
a picture of it.
[mellow dreamy music continues]
This life is such a mystery
But I don't feel
so fucked up
As long as I'm next to you
Let's do this.
Do you, Mark Kenneth Samson,
take Mary Lewis to be your wife
to love and to cherish for as
long as you both shall live?
I do.
[Mary laughs]
And do you, Mary Lewis,
take Mark Kenneth Samson
to be your husband
to love and to cherish for as
long as you both shall live?
Hell yeah, I do.
[light bubbly music]
You may now kiss the bride.
Wait. Why isn't it, you
may now kiss the groom?
Why does the guy get
to initiate the kiss
for all of eternity?
That's some archaic,
repressed bullshit.
Please just let
me kiss you, Mary.
Look, I have a script
that I'm not supposed
to deviate from.
Well, deviate.
[officiant sighs]
Uh, you may now kiss
the groom, I guess.
[laid-back bassy music]
Oh baby
Oh man
You're makin' me crazy
Really drivin' me mad
But that's all right with me
It's really no fuss
[cork pops]
As long as you're next to me
[both imitate explosion]
Just the two of us
Take one.
[Mary groans]
[Mark shouts]
[Mary groans]
You're my, my, my
My kind of woman
[Mary gurgles]
[Mark grunts]
My, my, my
My kind of woman
And I'm down on
my hands and knees
Beggin' you please, baby
Show me your world
[Mark cooing]
Oh baby
- No, come here.
- No!
Yeah, Jesus, what have
you been thinkin' about?
[Mark groans]
I'm feelin' so tired
[cellphone beeping]
Really fallin' apart
[toilet flushes]
This is Mary Lewis, take one.
Suffering from a
dry or itchy vagina?
It may be a syndrome called
menopause vaginal dryness.
A lubricant may be for you.
Try our All Natural Wild Yam
Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today.
Currently available
in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
It's crazy how
fast it all feels.
I had no idea I was
gonna love her this much.
She's amazing.
So sick, man.
That's cool.
Yeah, I feel expanded.
She makes me feel like
a human rubber band
that's just like, [imitates
rubber band squeaking].
Yeah, I don't think I
could ever get married.
Am I the only one
workin' out? I'm done.
I just don't see
the point in it.
I mean, it seems
purely financial,
and financially, it
usually fucks you.
Probably fucks you
more than your wife does.
That's funny, man.
You guys probably
just feel like that
because you haven't
met someone like Mary.
You haven't found your Mary.
You sound kind of faggy, Mark.
- Whoa!
- Dude.
- No.
- Not cool.
- What?
- You can't say that.
Yes, I can, I'm bi. I
can say whatever I want.
We are in a public place.
Don't care if you're bi, you
can't just say [mumbles].
[Kyle] What was that?
You can't say [mumbles].
We have reclaimed
the word faggot.
[groans] Fuckin' stop it.
I'm not calling
you a faggot, faggot.
Stop. Stop saying it.
Stop saying it.
Stop calling me it.
[Kyle] Did I just
call him a faggot?
Just L-G-Be a better person.
You're such a faggot.
How's Mary's sister
doin' these days?
Is she tryin' to fuck?
We are Unnecessary
One, two, three, four!
[gritty music]
Miss Narcissist,
she's a thief
Sucks out all the energy
So long, my hostility
[knocking at door]
Like a parasite
And all she all she needs
[banging at door]
[gritty music grows louder]
Is to live in me
[band singing indistinctly]
[fist pounding]
What the fuck do you
want, Christopher?
If you wanna be
in a real band,
invest in some soundproofing?
Do I look like I could
afford soundproofing?
Is that my problem?
Yeah, sort of, it is.
Spend a hundred
dollars at Home Depot.
I can't go to Home Depot,
because I don't support
the co-founder's politics.
Do you wanna go for me?
My god, my dogs
don't like the noise.
Well, I don't like your dogs,
- Christopher.
- You wrote enough songs
about 'em.
"Kill Them Bitches,"
"Shut Up, Mutts."
They're dumb, and they're
blind, and they're also deaf.
It's really loud
in there, Lana.
And I'm trying to
binge some Nat Geo.
Jesus, you're so
fucking dramatic.
I'm gonna call Rebecca.
Go for it. Call Rebecca.
We're very close.
- Bullshit.
- Yep.
She'll love to hear from
you. She likes you so much.
- I know she does.
- She loves you.
[Christopher] Why are you
winking at me? That's weird.
- I'm not winking.
- Yeah, you are.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna call the cops.
KK, fuck you.
No, fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
- Ha.
- Fuck you, ha.
Wow, nice. Look at
that big boy mouth.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you, say it again.
Fuck you.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck ya.
- Fuck you, fucker.
- Fuck you, fuck you.
[Both] Fuck you, fuck
you, fuck you, fuck you.
- And fuck you.
- Yeah.
[Both] Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- [laughs] Fuck you.
- Yeah, okay. [laughs]
[Christopher] Ha-ha, fuck you.
[Lana laughs maniacally]
[Lana] Fuck you,
dude! Oh my god.
[Christopher] Write
a song about it.
- I will.
- Write a loud song about it with like
- three dissonant chords.
- Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you, you
stupid little cunt
I don't like you
What are you
guys doing tonight?
I was gonna go see
your Rebecca for a bit.
You're still
fucking your landlord?
I'm seeing this guy.
He's sexy in like a
Skarsgard kind of way.
- Hmm-mm.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, I haven't met him yet,
but we just matched
on Crush'd, so.
Yeah, oh, it's the
sickest new dating app.
Tons of famous people
are on it, too.
I've seen like maybe
the entire cast
of "Harry Potter" on it.
I'm jealous.
What? Why?
I don't know. I'm not.
I'm not jealous, actually. I
don't know why I said that.
I know why you said that.
It's because you're
sad that you're
- a crusty married person.
- Yeah.
- No.
- That's definitely why
- you said that.
- No.
- I'm sorry.
- That's not it, I just...
It makes me feel adult
in a way that I
don't want to be.
[Tori] Yeah, crusty.
Dude, I totally get it.
It's normal to wanna
go out and have fun.
We're fuckin' infants.
We're kids.
Mama always said youth
is wasted on the young.
That's not really relevant.
It kind of is.
Okay, well, it's not helpful.
Does everything I say
I have to be helpful?
Well, I'm sorry. That's
unrealistic, sweetie.
[gentle lighthearted music]
Can you ask Mark
about AJ for me?
[scoffs] Gross.
He's hot.
He thinks his
skin's only purpose
is to store his muscles.
[Tori] Yeah, exactly. [laughs]
What about the Crush'd guy?
I can fuck more than one
person if it's not the same day.
Men do it all the time.
So can woman.
I'm agreeing with you.
Okay, great, so we agree.
You know, you could do it, too.
I mean, just 'cause
you're married
doesn't mean you
need to be monogamous
for the rest of your life.
For the rest of
your pussy's life.
[playful mischievous music]
[camera clicks]
[door creaks]
[Mary] Hi.
[Mary] Come here.
I can do that.
How was your day?
It was good.
Kyle and AJ invited us to
their party this weekend,
- but I-
- Babe, that was
fully rhetorical.
Have sex with me.
[Mary laughs]
[both moaning]
Hey, I have a question.
[Mark groans]
Nevermind, after.
Okay, cool, 'cause
I'm about to come.
[Mark grunting]
[groans] Oh, shit.
You remembered to
take your pill, right?
No, but I set
my alarm for 8:40,
'cause I wasn't
near my bag earlier.
[Mary hums]
[Mary sighs]
[Mark groaning]
[clock ticking]
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
[water splashing]
The steam is helping.
What was your question?
I said, the steam is helping.
[Mark] No, what was the thing
you were gonna ask me before?
It's stupid.
[Mark] Ah, I bet it wasn't.
Nothing in your brain is stupid.
It was just
something hypothetical
that Tori had me thinking about.
[Mark] Well, what was it?
I don't know.
[Mark] Come on, tell me.
Have you ever thought about
being with someone else?
[Mark] What do you mean?
You know, like another girl.
[Mark] Like bringing a third?
[Mary] Not what I meant,
but that could be fun.
Do you think I'm
cheating on you?
No, no, I know you're not.
Baby, I would never.
I, I think a better
way to phrase it
or, or put it would be,
would you ever
consider an open thing?
I don't necessarily mean now,
but at some point in
the future, maybe?
[Mark gasping]
[shower knob squeaking]
[Mark] Fuck, Mary.
I knew you were too sensitive
for this conversation.
I'm sorry, am I
overreacting to the fact
that you wanna be
inside other people?
You know I don't
have a penis, right?
Whatever, I got it backwards.
You know what I mean.
Why do you want this?
I don't know.
Life short. It's exciting.
Monogamy is dumb when
you think about it.
No, it's not.
The only reason that
anyone is exclusive
is because of societal
pressure to conform.
We aren't made this
way. It's unnatural.
That is so dumb. You have
no idea how dumb that sounds.
Queer culture has been
doing it for centuries.
My Aunty Carol does
it. Super happy.
What about animals?
I mean, animals have been
monogamous for centuries.
We're all just animals.
Wolves, wolves are monogamous.
- Wolves are terrifying.
- No.
They're not. Your Aunty
Carol's terrifying.
[sighs] Look, I'm just...
I don't judge Aunty
Carol, it's just,
I don't wanna be Aunty Carol.
You were gonna ask me about
this while we were having sex?
I thought it would be hot!
Is nothing sacred to you?
Okay, obviously I didn't know
you were gonna be
this pissed off.
You were trying to manipulate
me with your sexy socks.
My socks have nothing
to do with this.
I think they do.
They don't.
- They do.
- They don't.
They have everything
to do with this!
I don't like being
the little spoon.
Then you spoon me.
[Mark] I don't
wanna spoon you.
I bet you do a little bit.
I really don't.
Being with one person
your whole life is outdated.
I don't give a shit
if it's outdated.
It's what we signed up for.
And if you do give a shit,
you probably should've told
me before we got married.
So I'm supposed to know
everything I might want
before I want it?
You're being immature.
Yeah, well, you're
being a whore, so,
we're both things.
[Mark sighs]
I meant metaphorically.
I'm metaphorically
being a whore?
[groans] Let's just,
can we go to bed?
You asked me to be
honest with you, right?
So how was I supposed to
talk to you about this?
What would have been the
right way, in your mind,
for me to bring this up?
It's not about
you bringing up.
It's that you're
thinking about it at all.
[Mark sighs]
[lamp clicks]
[bright gentle music]
Can we talk about this now?
bumblebee, bumblebee
- Bumblebee
- Mary, I'm trying to work.
So am I.
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
I'm not talking about it.
I didn't ask.
[Mary trilling]
How about now?
- Still a no.
I don't get what you are.
I'm myself.
Huh. I don't get it.
[Mary] What are
you supposed to be?
A guy with the
better mustache.
[Mary laughs]
I did some googling,
and it's usually called
ethical non-monogamy,
if you wanted to do some
research before we talk.
You're already googling?
[soft music]
All the lights are
flashin' in red
Paradise is full
Ah, but don't
it look just how
You dreamed it would
Hold me close, say you will
I always safer when I
have a female driver.
Oh my god, thank
you. [giggles]
Are we gonna be that
problem couple at the party
that brings tense vibes?
I was wondering
the same thing.
Oh, no, this is
our conversation now.
Oh, totally. I'm sorry.
That is not the first time
I've heard that. [laughs]
I don't know.
I guess we are.
All right, fine. Fuck it.
I give up.
You wanna fuck someone
else so badly, Mary,
give it a shot.
Seriously, give it a shot.
We're goin' to a party.
You could find yourself
a dick or vagina,
or whatever it is that's
on trend these days.
Go follow the zeitgeist.
Am I looking for
an apartment or-
- You're overreacting.
Yeah, well, you're
being too woke.
That's not a bad thing.
[cellphone ringing]
[cellphone chimes]
[Mary] Fuck, where is it?
Did you forget it?
[Mary] No, I'm getting it.
Tonight I'm really living
I'm a vampire again
To my boys.
[glasses clinking]
Fuck Mary.
Fuck her.
[Kyle] We talking to
the same Mark right now?
- Oh, gracias.
- Jesus.
- Hey.
- Cool.
Who's here? What
girls are here?
What a little
bitch. Fuck Mark.
Fuck him.
What's going on?
Look at him with his
boyfriends and his little curls,
'cause he just bought
new conditioner.
I'm lost. Can you elaborate?
You know what, I took your
advice, so fuck you, too.
What advice? What did I do?
Yeah, what about her?
You think she would talk to me?
Can you please
not make my party
- about-
- Our party.
- It's our party.
- Really?
We threw it together.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Split the cost and everything.
- Okay, I got.
Can you not make our party-
- Thank you.
about making Mary jealous?
I'm not tryin' to
make her jealous.
Oh really?
Then what are you trying to do?
What is that?
Go do that.
What's up?
[Bunny] What are you?
Oh, I got like two, I got
another mustache on my mustache.
- Ah. [laughs]
- Better mustache.
I can't believe how
transparent he's being.
He looks more drunk
than transparent.
[Mark] What should I do?
There's nothing you can do.
That's helpful.
Stop saying I'm not
helpful by saying I'm helpful
when I'm just trying
to be helpful.
My husband is drunk, talking
to some random hot girl.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
she's not down anymore.
I don't think
she was ever down.
Mm, she was a
little down at first,
and then I sent
her the dick pic,
and I don't think
she's down anymore.
I'm gonna go find AJ. Peace.
She's coming, she's
coming, shut the fuck up.
[AJ clears throat]
[Bunny laughs]
So you like animals?
Yeah. I, like, I love animals.
Me too. You know,
I walk dogs, so.
Like for fun?
That's cool. [laughs]
I have a schnauzer.
Oh, that's a great breed.
Yeah. Thanks.
- Great dogs.
- They're cool.
[light upbeat music]
So what have you
been up to lately?
Well, actually,
it's my birthday week.
So I have a couple little
fun things planned.
Oh, nice.
Happy birthday.
Where's my cake?
I don't know you, so.
So are you, like,
tryin' to do this?
Do what?
[laughs] The whole,
"We just met at a party,
let's fuck," thing.
[singers harmonizing faintly]
So I turn my head
To look again
[music swells]
[Bunny gasping]
[Mark sobs]
Whoa, whoa, oh my god, okay.
No, I'm okay.
Oh, uh.
This is okay, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you like it?
Do you like this?
I don't, um...
Really, it's okay.
- No, you-
- I just need a second.
[Bunny] Yeah, yeah.
[Mark groans]
I feel kind of...
- Okay.
- Do you have some water?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, uh...
[Mark sighing]
[bed creaking]
You're awake, right?
Why? Did you want me
to be asleep for this?
No, I don't want you to be
asleep if I'm jerking off.
I kind of feel like
it'd be more normal
if I was asleep for this.
But you're like a
participant. I don't know.
How, how am I participating?
You're in bed with me,
You know, like,
you're with me.
I'm thinking about you, and
you're fully here for it.
This is adjacent to what
we were gonna do anyway.
Should I stop?
I don't really care.
[clock ticking]
[gentle pensive music]
All that I want is
A pair of wing to fly
Into the blue of
The wide open sky
Show me your scars
I'll show you mine
Perched out of the city
On a pair of power lines
[Mary sniffles]
[moves to soft
suspenseful music]
[knuckles rapping]
[light playful music]
I just jerked off.
That's not anything.
I mean...
[Mark sighs]
I wasn't fat.
I've never been fat.
[Mark grunting]
[Mark groans]
What do you think I should do?
Am I closed-minded?
Should we be open?
Are birds monogamous?
Answer me.
What am I doing?
[light playful music continues]
[footsteps shuffling]
[door rattling]
[sighs] I'm so sorry.
Me too.
[Mark sighs]
Can I have an Oreo?
Of course you
can have an Oreo.
I love you.
I love you so much.
[both sniffling]
I'm really, really sorry.
I don't know what I was doing.
Was work okay?
It was fine.
How many Oreos did you eat?
I don't know.
[Mary laughs]
[Mark sobs]
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
If we're gonna do this,
then no ex-boyfriends.
No ex-girlfriends.
I'm not even friends
with any of them
other than, like, on Instagram.
I'm nervous.
Me too.
Hey, guys, I'm Melanie.
I'll be your server.
Can you get you started
with some drinks?
Wine, any wine.
[Melanie] Okay.
[Mark sighs]
What else?
Uh, no having sex
with someone more than
five times.
Three times.
Four times.
This is a priority
relationship, always.
Yeah, so no preexisting
fuck-buddies with baggage.
That sounds like a disease.
[Mark] Speaking of
diseases, no diseases.
Yes, always use a condom.
That goes for you, too.
Yeah, obviously, I'm not
bringing home random chlamydia.
Is random chlamydia any different
than regular chlamydi...
Stop writing down band names.
We are Random Chlamydia!
I'm serious, no
gonorrhea, no herp.
Why are you whispering?
I don't know, I just...
I really, really don't
want any of these things.
Then it's settled.
Rule number three is
always use protection.
What do we do about...
My latex allergy.
Suck it up.
The non-latex ones don't
protect against STDs.
It's something to do
with the spores, I guess.
I am not gonna have rash peen.
Oh my god, you're killing
me with these good band names.
Mary, please.
Okay, well, there
has to be another way.
Well, I think there's
non-latex ones that do work,
but you have to special
order them from Canada or-
- Yeah, Canada Peen!
- [Melanie] Hi.
- [Mary] Hi.
[Melanie] Need another
minute with the menu?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Of course.
I got one.
How about no, um...
[Mary] What?
Suckin' on
people's, uh, stuff.
[Mary] Suckin' a dick?
Suckin' a dick. I
won't suck-a the clit.
Right. Yes.
Out of curiosity, why?
That's our thing, you
know, wanna keep it special.
Yeah. It's really special.
Yours is the only
one I've ever sucked.
[Mary] I don't even...
I'd never even seen a dick
before yours, actually.
[Mary laughs]
[Mark] Anything else?
Should we tell each other stuff?
We already are.
I mean, like,
when stuff happens.
Mm. [laughs]
I don't wanna know about
you with other people.
Like, we keep this part
of our lives separate?
Yeah. We need a policy
like that to keep our sanity.
I don't know, I think
being honest with each other
would be the best
in the long run.
I mean, I wanna know
who you're with.
You really do? You wanna know?
I think so.
I'll tell you, and
you don't tell me.
I guess.
Oh my god.
[glass thuds]
[Mark groans]
One more rule.
It's the most
important one for me.
We do this as a trial run.
This is not a
forever thing, okay.
This is a "see if
we like it" thing.
And if one of us
doesn't like it,
then we can go back
to being just us.
Yeah, that seems fair.
You promise?
I promise.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what to do.
Take it home, baby.
[energetic music]
What do I put for profession?
Fuck, dude, that's good.
What do you do again?
I'm an entrepreneur.
Should I put singer?
That does sound dumb.
That does sound dumb. You
should put businesswoman.
No, that sounds way more dumb.
[Lana coughs]
Okay, I'm leaving it blank.
It's mysterious.
You should put broke.
Yeah, then we should
add that you're married.
[both laugh]
Should I put, like, taken
and looking for friends?
No, you're not
looking for friends,
and you don't need to
put that many details.
You don't need
to find friends.
'Cause we're your friends.
I'm just looking
for something casual,
and I feel like I should
be up-front about that.
- So is everybody.
- [Mark] Everybody's what?
Shit. You need a picture.
Whatever you do, make
sure you use the photo
with the margarita
and the tank top.
You should use the
photo from Halloween
the year before last year.
[Mary] With the knife?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You don't think
it's a little scary?
No, I do not.
There's blood on
the knife, though.
Dude, guys love fear.
They love that shit.
Photo shoot, photo shoot
We're gonna do a photo shoot
No, I don't look
good right now.
I don't sleep well after wine.
Yeah, you do, you
look fuckin' great
Let's do a photo shoot
- [camera clicking]
- Wait.
Oh shit.
[Both] Um.
If someone fucks with you,
you take that big knife,
put it up to his face and
be like, I'm gonna stab you.
I'm gonna st-st-stab
you. I'm gonna stab you.
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab you.
I'm gonna stab you, mm.
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab
you, I'm...
This looks like
something else.
Once more. Maybe wet
the 'stache a little bit.
Don't do that. Don't
wet your 'stache.
[camera clicking]
Let me see it.
[chuckles] I don't know how
you did it, but it got worse.
[both laughing]
[Mark groans]
[Mark] I made an account,
on that Crush'd thing,
whatever you call it.
Thank god. So did I.
It feels good to tell you.
Yeah, it does. I
feel a lot better.
You have to show me yours.
Only if I can see yours, too.
[sighs] Oh my god.
[cellphones beeping]
This shit so embarrassing.
Okay, on the count of three.
- Three, two, one.
- One, two, three.
[cellphones beep]
Mark, this picture is bad.
You have a knife in yours.
- Are you kidding me?
- It's a costume.
Well, it is scary.
But in a hot way, right?
No, in like a weird
internet person way.
Like, I cosplay and eat
strawberry yogurt at the mall.
- What?
- I love virtual reality.
I can't believe yours says
you went to The Center for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.
You know I love "Zoolander."
You cannot quote "Zoolander"
on here, immediate turnoff.
It's better than nothing.
I'm being mysterious.
No one's gonna know
what to write you.
There's no material
for an icebreaker.
I didn't think about that.
[upbeat music]
[camera clicking]
Hmm, okay, now mess up
your hair a little bit.
I don't wanna look like
I just fucked my husband.
But you did just
fuck your husband.
You know what I'm saying.
Do I? Everything's
backwards right now.
I'm making my own wife look
more fuckable for other men.
[Mary] A lot of girls do
this one, like a butt shot.
Ooh, you're so sexy.
Take a bite. Take a bite.
Okay, hold on. Let
me do virgin face.
It's my first time.
Hmph, my parents are gonna
come home soon. [sighs]
[Mark laughs]
[camera clicking]
[groans] You're blinding me.
It looks good. Trust me.
Am I gonna have laser eyes?
I can edit it.
Make your sex face.
You're an animal.
[Mark purrs]
[Mary] Okay, one Zoolander,
'cause I know you're
dying to do it.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, I can't do this.
I hate it. I hate it.
Hey. [chuckles]
I look good.
[bright playful music]
[Mark laughs]
- You're gettin' pussy.
- Yeah.
[both laughing]
Okay, you can do another one.
Oh, you the queen
You're the king
We got our aces out
You the queen
You're the king
We got out aces out
Roll the dice on tonight,
go and roll 'em out
Give me more than
enough to go smile about
Aye, aye
[knuckles rapping]
[door creaks]
- Aunty Carol.
- Oh, Mary, I missed you.
We missed you. Thank
you so much for having us.
[Mark] We appreciate it.
I don't accept thank-yous.
What? Well, thank you anyway.
- Oh.
- Shh.
- I'm sorry.
- Stop.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-
- It's okay. Come on in.
When I started, it wasn't
all done on the internet,
wasn't all this swiping left
and right and dick pics.
You actually had to talk
to people face to face.
You had to ask them,
"Hey, you wanna swing?
Hey, you wanna get
naked with my friend?"
To the ladies.
[glasses clicking]
- To getting some.
- To mad pussy.
God, it sounds so bad
- when you say it like that.
- I shouldn't have said it.
- Another one.
- This guy, this guy,
- this, guy, this guy.
- Ooh.
- Come back!
- Hey!
- Hey, Socks.
- Come here.
Hey, you want this?
- Yo, Socks.
- Do you, would you, boy?
I know you do.
We should do this
all, every day.
- I agree.
- Yeah.
You're judging me!
Nobody's judging you.
[Mark laughs]
No new friends, no
- I'm so drunk.
- Oh, is this okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No new friends
Oh, when the sun goes down
And when it comes back up
We got our aces out
We got our aces out
Oh, when the sun goes down
Hot. I mean, [groans].
We got our aces out
We got our aces out
Anyway, I'm dating a man now.
Oh. That's great.
I hadn't have
dick in a long time,
so it's really a
good change of pace.
[Aunty Carol] I didn't
know what I was missing.
Dick is awesome.
So insane.
This is how you've
always wanted it, right?
[Mary laughs]
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me.
[Mary imitates gun banging]
[Mark grunts]
Do we really need this?
No new friends
No new friends
- [groans] We're so sweaty.
- Yes, you're workin' hard.
No new friends
[Mark gags]
And what rules are
working for you guys?
That's a stupid question.
The whole point of being open
is there's no restrictions.
Rules are the death of life.
[dramatic music]
[Mark groaning]
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
We need a new rule.
How about no sleeping with
other people in our apartment?
[Mary] Our space.
I mean, I don't think anyone's
gonna wanna be in here anyway.
Yeah, it's a health hazard.
[both laugh]
So we need any other rules?
I don't know.
You haven't been
telling me about
what's been goin' on.
You really wanna know?
Yeah, what's it been
like sleeping with someone
who's not me?
Mm, good?
That's good.
[sighs] It feels so
weird talking about it.
That's part of it, though.
I wanted to know the truth.
I guess I just feel like
I can't articulate it yet.
Is that okay?
That's okay.
[soft lighthearted music]
[moves to bright music]
[Mark and Mary moaning]
Oh god.
[Mark and Mary sighing]
What just happened?
That was so good.
[Mark sighs]
I have another rule idea.
Hit me.
We try a threesome.
That's not really a rule.
No, you're right.
Stupid idea, I don't know why I
- brought it up.
- I'm in.
[Mary] Yeah.
Where do we find her?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Mark] What?
It's automatically a girl?
I'm not crossin' swords.
Don't be homophobic.
That's not homophobic.
A threesome with a
magical unicorn girl
is you thinking about
your pleasure before mine.
You can get stuff done to you.
Stuff done to me?
It would be for both of us.
Okay, I'm down, I
really am, if it's equal.
Since when do you have
such a binary view of gender?
I'll correct myself,
one with a vagina
and one with a penis.
I'm all about equality, baby.
But I don't want
a penis near me.
You live with
a penis near you!
It's on your person.
That's not a good argument.
Then I don't want
a vagina near me.
[Mark groans]
What? I'm using your logic.
It's not my logic, 'cause
you've been with girls before.
This could be life-changing.
Can we try the girl way first?
I see what you're doing,
and you're not getting
out of it like that.
We will have a
threesome with someone
who identifies as a man.
And as a reward, we'll have
a threesome with someone
who identifies as a woman.
We're on a reward system now?
What am I, a dog getting treats?
You're a dog gettin' pussy.
[Mark barks]
[Mary laughs]
Oh my god, so you guys
are actually going to-
- Yep.
- If we can find someone.
You sound shady like that.
Is it weird that we're
telling your sister?
We tell each other everything.
[clears throat]
Wait, do you...
Like, everything, everything?
Um, okay, well...
Um, yeah, I mean, I'm sure
you guys can find a third.
Why haven't we
talked about this?
[Kyle] Don't look at me.
[Mark] We weren't.
Do not look at me either.
We weren't.
Lana, you wouldn't be
interested, would you?
- Hey, what?
- Well, hey. [laughs]
What, you don't,
even hypothetically,
want me as your third?
You just said
you didn't want to.
Yeah, but I'd like
an offer to reject.
It is kind of perfect. We
do need a male third, too.
Okay, let's not share
everything with the group.
No, we share.
Wait, hold on,
would you guys...
Would you guys pay
me for my services?
- No.
- No.
Why not? I'm broke,
and I need money.
We don't have any money.
Okay, but I feel like
prostituting myself...
Thank you.
If it's to friends, it's
not completely unreasonable.
Am I right?
[Mark] Who's paying what?
Let's just split it.
No way. I only got sides.
Yeah, me too. Also,
you're my elder.
That doesn't
mean I pay for you.
Why can't it mean that?
Dad pays for your whole life.
Okay, why don't we just...
We'll tally it up card by card.
We're all adults, right?
[Mary] [sighs] All right,
what are you guys tipping?
12 what?
- Percent.
- Percent, babe, [laughs]
you can't just do 12%.
She was really slow,
and she brought me decaf.
Fuck all of you.
Except you.
[clock ticking]
[Mark] My dad just shipped us
the first Life Cup prototype.
Life Cup?
Our spit test.
Yeah, I know, I just...
You're calling it the Life Cup?
Yeah. It was your
idea, remember?
You don't like it?
It's just super Republican.
What are you talking about?
Like, why can't it be
called the Choice Cup
or Information Cup?
Probably 'cause those
aren't good names.
[cellphone chimes]
[cellphone vibrates]
[suspenseful music]
Holy shit.
Wait, don't say anything yet.
Should we play dumb?
We need to strategize.
It doesn't hurt to make
her wait a little too.
Do we really wanna do this?
Do you?
- Yes.
- Okay, then fuck it.
The situation is
presenting itself.
Yeah, but we kind of
presented it to her.
You did.
You're not gonna get mad at me
'cause we did it
with a girl first?
You're not gonna hold
it against me later?
I reserve the right to
have any feeling I want,
any time that I want.
Fine, I won't.
I won't get mad.
In for what, question
mark, ha dash ha.
Don't voice text. You
sound like a serial killer.
Why? It's easier.
[message whooshes]
[tense music]
Oh shit.
[cellphone chimes]
She knows we're panicking.
I don't think we're panicking.
[cellphone chimes]
[tense music quickens]
[knuckles rapping]
[All] Two, one.
[gritty energetic music]
Oh my god, Jesus Christ.
I really like your mustache.
You do?
Thank you. [coughs]
[Lana laughs]
- Oh.
- Yeah.
[Mary laughing]
Have you ever done coke before?
- No.
- You wanna do some cocaine?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
[growls] You wanna do coke?
[dark upbeat music]
[singer singing faintly]
Ooh, I did not give
you a baby line.
Excuse me, girl, but...
[Lana and Mary laughing]
Hey, come here. I made
this song just for you.
Come here.
[drumbeat pounding]
[Lana sings indistinctly]
[Mary] It's my favorite song!
Yes! Oh shit!
[soft sultry music]
Come into my bedroom
Walk in like you used to
Say you'll never
leave me lonely
Tell me how you want me only
Come into my
And let me love you
[sighs] Guys.
Hey, guys.
- What?
- Babe.
Include me.
Of course, babe.
Of course, babe.
I guess I'm supposed
to not say that.
I'm supposed to be
suave and find a way
to grow a second dick.
[Lana and Mary laugh]
Second dick?
[Mary] Dos dick-os! [laughs]
All wanna do is us
Boy, I reminisce how
we touch and kiss
And come into my bedroom
Oh whoa
Be mine
All I wanna do is you
Sentimental soul,
heart with no control
And all I wanna do is us
Boy, I reminisce how
we touch and kiss
And come into my bedroom
Oh whoa
[Mary retches]
[Mary groans]
Tell me everything.
Did it freak you out?
Did he pay more
attention to her?
Um, sometimes.
Did he penetrate her?
Oh my god, that's a yes.
I mean, yeah, it's...
That's what a threesome is.
You weren't freaking out?
I can't freak out.
Be human.
Okay, I freaked
out a little bit.
The idea of it never mattered,
but actually seeing it enter,
I don't know.
Oh my god, where did he come?
I've always wondered
the politics of that.
Like, was it like a hose?
You're doing it like
he knighted both of us
- with his cum.
- Yeah, I mean-
- No.
You're sick.
Okay, I'm not the one that
had a threesome, thank you.
Move. I'm gonna fart on you.
It's only natural
[AJ] Tell us everything.
Gentleman never tells.
Bullshit, how
did you get married
and start having more sex?
Oh, it just happened.
I hate you, Mark.
I hate you so much.
Did your dick get nervous?
Probably got stage
fright, right?
You're like, oh, it's
too much stimulation.
- Here I am, here I am.
- Oh goodness, oh no.
- What do I do, what do I do?
- Oh no, no, my dick.
There's too many holes.
[Kyle groaning]
[AJ and Kyle vocalizing goofily]
[Kyle laughs]
I did drink so much I was
worried I wasn't gonna get
[music stops]
fully hard.
[AJ and Kyle laugh]
Were you? Were you fully hard?
Yeah. It was fucking awesome.
[Mark grunts]
[mellow music]
[Mary] Do you think
Mom ever had a threesome?
Why don't we ever
talk about her?
I don't know.
I love looking at
old photos of her
when she was pregnant with us.
I was doing that the other
day, actually, so cute.
That's why I didn't
have a real wedding.
It didn't make sense to do
it without her, you know?
She'd fucking hate Mark, too.
Hate Mark.
[Tori laughs]
- That mustache would not-
- His mustache!
- Nah, yeah, I know.
- I was just gonna
- say that.
- I know, I know, I know.
She'd freak.
[mellow music continues]
[low synth music]
Don't wait up for me
[Both] Cheers.
- Wow.
- It works.
Do you normally pick that?
Is it not good?
[Alexandra laughs]
'Cause I'm gonna,
I'm gonna be
Havin' myself a good time
Without you
Havin' myself a good time
[cellphone chiming]
Who's that?
Oh, it's, uh, just my wife.
[Alexandra laughs]
[Mark chuckles]
[Mary retching]
What'd you drink last night?
I didn't.
What did you do last night?
Was it tequila again?
No, I stayed home
and played Word Streak
on my phone all night.
Did you order from the
Thai place or something?
[tense music]
[fingers snapping]
[singer harmonizing]
Okay, what do I do?
You just spit in the center
part where the circle is.
See? Right there.
And how do I know if I'm-
- It should turn dark purple.
It's a good idea.
Yeah, I know, it's, um...
I'm not criticizing you, it's...
It's great.
How do I know if
I'm not pregnant?
It should turn dark green.
If we pick different colors,
like if we chose blue and pink,
then people would assume that
the Life Cup predicts gender,
and it doesn't predict-
- Okay, how about no colors?
[Mary gurgles]
Is that enough for you?
[tense music]
We need to go to the store.
[Mark] Why?
We need to get a real test.
This is a real test.
No, it's not.
It's not science.
It's a fucking mood ring.
[upbeat pop music]
Baby, baby, I'm
taken with the notion
To love you with the
sweetest of devotion
Baby, baby, my tender
love will flow from
The bluest sky to the
[Mary sighs]
[water sloshing]
[toilet flushes]
Three minutes.
I know.
[Mary sighs]
You wanna sing me a song?
Not really.
[uneasy music]
I told you.
Really? You're going to hit
me with an, "I told you so"?
The mood ring was accurate.
It had a 50-50 chance.
Why are you being like this?
Can't you see that I'm
fucking pregnant right now?
Yeah, what if it's not my kid?
Why would it not be your kid?
I don't know, because
you've been having
a sweaty fuck parade
with other men?
You've been having a
sweaty fuck parade, too.
I'm being punished because
a dick can't give birth
and a vagina can?
Besides, I'm on the pill.
Okay, we both know
you don't take the pill
consistently enough.
You're supposed to
take it every day
at the exact same time.
And I told you to get an IUD.
Stop talking to me like
you're my gynecologist.
Why don't we get a wishbone
and put it in your penis hole
and see how that feels?
- No.
- Or why don't you start taking the male pill, bro.
It doesn't exist yet, bro.
Okay, well, I use a condom
with anyone who's not you.
How can I know that?
Then why don't you
stick a GoPro inside me.
Oh, but you gotta
choose, IUD or GoPro,
which one's are gonna be?
For all we know, there's
some girl out there
who's pregnant with your baby,
'cause you're using
special needs condoms.
Mary, my allergy is serious.
It could be fatal
with enough exposure.
It's an excuse that men use
who don't wanna wear condoms.
You need to get tested.
You need to get tested,
and you should probably
get a paternity test, too,
- if you're so worried about it.
- I'm not doing that.
What do you want from me?
[soft upbeat music]
[Practitioner] I'm just gonna
do a swap for the DNA test.
- Okay?
- Okay.
All right, and Dr.
Kurtzman will be with you
in just a moment.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh, you're
married. That's good.
Why is that good?
We don't have
to do an STD swab.
I mean, unless you want to.
Is that a sure
yes or a sure no?
A sure yes.
Maybe don't call it a swab.
Doesn't sound fun.
I was trying to make
it fun, so thank you.
How many sexual
partners have you had?
What does it matter, if we're
gonna do the swab anyway?
It's a standard question.
You can just give
me an approximation.
Uh, I would rather just
talk about the prenatal stuff,
if that's okay.
[Dr. Jacobs] You're pregnant?
Sorry, I didn't
get to that part yet.
Oh yeah, there it
is. You're pregnant.
All right, um.
Do you mind
shifting to your left?
Nice, yeah, then the other way.
Lift up your shaft.
Now to do the hokey
pokey, turn, and shout.
Just kidding.
Make your legs jello.
[Mary sighs]
Pretend like your
knees are jello.
I'm trying.
You're really not.
I'm sorry, it's just,
my mom had a burst
ovarian cyst one time.
I am not gonna burst
anything, all right.
Don't be afraid. Just
scoot your butt on down.
[Mary] All right.
More, more, more, more.
[sighs] Jello.
I am jello.
- Jello.
- Yeah, I'm jello.
- I am jello.
- Jello, jello.
I am jello!
Have you ever seen jello?
It's like this. [burbles]
Jello. [exhales deeply]
You're not gettin' outta here
'til I get a piece of your
cervix, so open it up.
Come on. You're clenching.
It's gonna hurt more
the more you clench.
I'm gonna put it
to you like this.
This is how wide I'm
gonna need you to be.
Can we get there?
[soft pensive music]
[Mary sighs]
I don't wanna do this anymore.
[Mark sighs]
You could mean a number
of things at this point.
The open thing.
Well, maybe I do.
But you said if one of
us didn't wanna do it,
we could go back.
That was the main thing for
you. That was the main rule.
I changed my mind.
[Mary] You can't just do that.
I'm supposed to know
everything I might want
before I want it?
I just, I want it
to be just you and me.
Like you said, just
us again, please.
It's not just us, Mary.
It's you and me
and a fucking baby.
Is there any part of you that
actually wants to keep it?
[Mary] Of course there is.
Don't say "of course" to me.
How can I predict
anything with you
when you were so classically
I wanna keep it.
Don't you think it's
weird that we're married,
and this was an accident?
I obviously think it's weird,
but you've trained me not
to know what's up or down.
[Mary] I don't know why.
I just feel like
I have to keep it.
Something is telling
me I have to.
You trying to bait me
into being the bad guy?
- No.
- Because I'm not gonna be the bad guy.
And I'm definitely not
gonna be a bad father.
But we're not ready for this.
We are so far
- from being ready.
- Okay, I get it.
You know, I don't even
know why I bother speaking.
We both know you're gonna
do exactly what you want,
regardless of how I feel.
How can you say that?
Because it's true.
I mean, this whole thing was
your idea from the start.
Have you seen my
arm? It says Mary.
Yeah, and mine says Mark.
Your says Mark, and some
wiggly-dos, and some other shit,
and some shark fins.
Mine just says Mary.
Yeah, your name
and my dead mom.
- Oh my god.
- Pretty stupid.
You told me yourself
half those were done
by wasted ex-boyfriends.
You are always
twisting the narrative!
When did you decide that
you hated me this much?
[keys jingle]
[car engine revs]
[drumsticks clacking]
[Lana] One, two, three, four.
[grungy energetic music]
You tell me
Baby, baby, you should
smile more, honey
'Cause you've got a face
like a Playboy Bunny
Well, this is gonna
hurt you more than
Don't stop, pussies!
I didn't come, I didn't
come, I didn't come
Come here for you,
come here for you
I didn't come, I didn't
come, I didn't come
Come here for you,
come here for you
What is going on?
What's wrong?
[Mary sniffles]
[cellphone beeps]
[Lisa] Hello, this is Lisa
from the North Hollywood
Public Health Center.
We have your test results.
Please return at 818-
[cellphone clicks]
What results?
Mary, if they're
calling you about it,
then you probably
have whatever it is.
Thanks, Lana.
Holy fuck.
Dude, does that mean that
I would have an STD, too?
Oh my god, dudes.
[door clicks]
[Tori] I can't believe
that you just said that.
No, if I have an STD
- right now-
- Yeah, no.
[Lana] I'm literally
gonna kill myself.
[Kyle] So you're gonna
have a mystery baby.
It's gonna cry a lot.
And it's gonna poop a lot.
[AJ] Which means
you're gonna have to buy
a lot of diapers.
[Kyle] Which means
a lot of money.
[AJ] You're gonna
have to get babysitters,
which actually could be dope,
could be some hot babysitters.
[Kyle] But it's
also a lot of money.
Okay, I got it.
I'll babysit if you want.
Don't offer that yet.
You wait until he's desperate,
and you need something.
What's wrong with you?
Just think ahead, dude.
[Mark sobs]
Think, hey, hey, hey.
Oh fuck.
[Mark sobbing]
Hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
- We love you, man.
- We love you.
- A lot.
- A lot.
Like, whatever you need,
to a reasonable point-
[cellphone buzzing]
Is it Mary?
Is it? Put it on speaker.
Dude, shut up.
- We're in it.
- Just...
Hello? Just give me a
second [indistinct].
You're gonna babysit?
No, of course I
don't wanna babysit.
Well, what the fuck, man?
You better hope he's high
enough to forget that.
Do you wanna be "Two
and a Half Men"?
I'm having a panic attack.
This is why it's good
to be bi, you know?
You can just stick
with dudes and-
- Stick with just
- men exclusively?
- Just men, exclusively.
Okay, well that's just gay.
Yeah, maybe I'm gay.
[exhales deeply]
Am I gonna hit that,
or are you just gonna
fuckin' sit with it?
[cellphone ringing]
North Hollywood
Public Health Center,
this is Lisa speaking.
Hi, this is Mary Lewis.
I just missed your call.
Please hold.
[phone beeps]
[gentle music]
[Automated Ad] Suffering
from a dry or itchy vagina?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- It may be a syndrome
called menopause
vaginal dryness.
A lubricant might be for you.
Try our All Natural Wild Yam
Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today,
currently available
in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
[gentle music]
Oh fuck.
[Lisa] Hello? Are you there?
Yeah, yeah.
The results of your
paternity test are back.
[gentle music]
Thank you for your patience.
So your results are back,
and they're positive for, uh,
[keystrokes clacking]
oh, for HPV.
I'm sorry.
[Lisa] Oh, no, it's fine.
I hear it all the time.
Can you tell me if it's the
good kind or the bad kind?
Or not, not, not the good...
Can you, can you tell me
if it's the cancer kind
or the not-cancer kind, please?
[Lisa] Mm, you're gonna
have to schedule follow-up
with Dr. Jacobs.
Okay, but if it
was the bad kind,
I would have symptoms, right?
I don't have any symptoms.
[Lisa] Yeah, I can't answer
these questions for you.
You're gonna have to come in.
So would you like to
set up an appointment?
How is, uh, how's Wednesday?
[cellphone chimes]
[Mark] You want a drink?
Probably shouldn't.
Oh, right.
Hey, I wanted to say I'm
sorry for my part in all this.
And I shouldn't have suggested
that I wasn't in father.
I got the call.
It's fine.
And I probably
shouldn't have suggested
that we don't keep the baby.
It's okay.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna need to get
more permanent jobs,
and we're gonna need
to sell some stuff
and really just save
up everything we can.
You're not saying anything.
[Mary sighs]
I have HPV.
I'm sure it's
nothing, I just...
I didn't want to
sit here with you,
and you look so
pretty and candle-lit,
and, like, lie to
you or something,
or not lie, but, like, withhold.
So you probably
gave me an STD?
Can you lower your volume?
I thought you got Gardasil.
I did, a long time ago, and
my insurance didn't cover it,
and you have to
get three rounds,
so after the first
round, I just...
You could've given it to
me. These things are silent.
Yeah, silent killers.
I don't even know
what it means yet.
Oh god, I'm already itchy.
Oh my god, by the way,
there isn't even an
HPV test for men.
So you could have
been born with it,
or it's been dormant
this whole time,
and this isn't even a big deal.
It's not automatically me.
[Mark scoffs]
Learn to fuckin'
deal with things.
Says the girl still in a band.
We need therapy.
We can't afford therapy.
[uneasy music]
Yep, takeout.
Learning Spanish is easy.
Once you understand conjugation,
you're well on your way.
S se puede.
[camera clicking]
How should we list them for?
How much does a crib cost?
[uneasy music continues]
You're far away.
Your toenails are super sharp.
I meant emotionally.
No, I know, but they're
really sharp, and I can feel it.
But I cut them last week.
I don't know what to tell you.
They're super fast-growing.
[laughs] They're not that bad.
Yes, they are. They're
like little steak knives.
That's extreme.
They're like serrated,
and they cut my legs in the
night when I'm sleeping.
My legs are afraid.
[bright buoyant music]
This is sweet. I love it.
Are you gonna look
at my presents now?
- Yes, okay.
- Open hers.
Is it [indistinct]?
No, no, no.
I have an outie.
[bright buoyant music continues]
[music stops]
[Mary sobbing]
[lamp clicks]
[Mary exhales deeply]
I heard about being young
But I'm not sure
how it's done
Thought I heard a mumble
Somethin' about fun
[cellphone chimes]
Easy for you to say, I say
I say this to you every day
Easy for you to say
The sky is a special
orange streak
Between balloons, two moons
A leak of light in a
blue town like this
The clouds are
you, the sky a kiss
That never shows
or comes, oh what
A waste sits in
the parking lot
I just wanna be
alive, that's it
[keystrokes tapping]
[mellow music]
I think about you and cry
All alone
Stolen like candy
[upbeat music]
What's the point of
Fakin' it, this big talk
Oh, a drink in my hand ain't
the only life I wanna know
Is it wrong
[tense tones swell]
So whose responsibility is it
to make this not so weird?
[all laughing]
I think that's on you two.
[Mark and Mary laugh]
I'm just gonna fold
and unfold my napkin
until somebody says my name.
[all laughing]
That's really funny.
So, Mary, what do you
do, like for work?
I'm a waitress.
And a wonderful singer.
[Mary] An average singer.
She has a beautiful voice.
That's generous.
It literally makes me cry.
We're actually workin'
on a project together,
but I had a little hand injury.
I was a guitar player, and
I was cleaning a wine glass,
and it completely
shattered in my hand.
Uh, four surgeries later,
I'm kind of stuck here.
I mean, you really
can't open it.
Here, give it a
shot. Try to open it.
Come on, Mark. Come on, Mark.
[Mary] Come on.
- [Aaron shouts]
- Oh!
[all laughing]
Oh yeah, it'll sneak up
on you, just like that.
- Wow.
- That's really weird.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Four surgeries,
and that's what they did?
Yeah, that's it, that was...
That's it? Are they done?
I like that finger.
It's my favorite one.
So, uh, Mark, what do you do?
I'm just splittin' my time
between here and Ventura.
Yeah, I work with my
dad's plastics company,
Make-It Manufacturing.
Uh, so what do you guys make?
Uh, plastic?
Well, the ocean, I guess, huh?
[all laughing]
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, you know. Yeah.
[Mary] He's kidding.
No, we feel bad
about that, but-
- I mean, you kind
of need plastic.
Uh, you guys hungry?
Yeah, I was gonna get the BLT.
- The BLT, mm, bacon.
- Hmm.
You gotta worry about that
factory farming, though, right?
That has a huge footprint as
well, so, poor little piggies.
Touch, man.
[all laughing]
[tense music]
[wistful electronic music]
You and me, always, forever
We could stay alone together
You and me, always, forever
Say you'll stay,
never be severed
You and me, always, forever
We can stay alone together
Darlin', don't
get away right now
[music brightens and swells]
You know you've got
me in your pocket
Just come here, and
we can settle down
Oh darling, it's alarming
To think of us apart
You know you've got
me in your pocket
You don't just
have to wait around
You know I keep
you in my locket
Just come here, and
we can settle down
You and me, always, forever
We could stay alone together
You and me, always, forever
We could stay alone together
You and me, always, forever
We could stay alone together
You and me
- So-
- Should we-
- Go ahead, go ahead.
No, no, what
were you gonna say?
I, uh, are we
gonna do this now or-
- Well-
- You want a shot or somethin'?
- Okay.
- All right.
- So, um, maybe.
- Yeah.
- Both of you guys.
- Are y'all gonna,
and then I-
- Yeah.
- That's brilliant.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh.
- Okay.
[man exhales deeply]
[man clears throat]
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah yes. [laughs]
We're hell raisers
Death wish cravers
We're runnin'
with razor blades
Party favors, sex
with strangers
We don't care what
the neighbors say
If this is how
it's gonna end
'Cause it feels all right
Baby, let's get sick again
[upbeat music]
I'm crawlin' of
the dead man's bed
Well, we don't wanna know
Well, we don't wanna know
I'm killin' myself
just to live
Well, we don't wanna go
Well, we don't wanna go
We're hell raisers
Death wish cravers
We're runnin'
with razor blades
Party favors, sex
with strangers
We don't care what
the neighbors say
If this is how
it's gonna end
'Cause it feels all right
Baby, let's get sick again
[music slows]
[singers harmonizing]
[music quickens]
We're hell raisers
Death wish cravers
We're runnin'
with razor blades
Party favors, sex
with strangers
We don't care what
the neighbors say
If this is how
it's gonna end
'Cause it feels all right
Baby, let's get sick again
[Man] There we go.