Mark of the Werebeard (2023) Movie Script
(static buzzes)
(solemn orchestra music)
(door rings)
(TV buzzes and hisses)
(sink runs)
(door rings)
Hey, Bill, how you doing?
Yeah, Jack, I'm doing quite well.
How's my favorite barber?
Bill, I'm your only barber.
I am your only barber, right?
I'll never tell. (Laughs)
Sit down, and I'll give
you a trim, you old tramp.
All right, all right.
(upbeat pop music)
- This is Vic Cannon,
your eyes on the sky at WVBW.
We're live on scene where it's
some kind of creature appears
to be on a rampage.
(clippers buzz)
Oh, get it high above
the ears, you know?
Bill, if I bring it any
higher around the ears,
you won't have any hair left.
(Bill laughs)
[Vic] It looks as though
the creature knows some type
of karate or kung fu.
Back again?
Oh God, Kevin, it's hard to watch.
This poor man.
Hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you turn that up a bit?
I wanna hear this.
Do you have a wimpy beard?
Is there a mustache lacking gusto?
Do you wish you had more
hair on the top of your head?
If you answered yes to
any of those questions,
I have a product just for you.
Testonics, Science for
Men presents the latest
in hair growth technology.
Simply apply Testonics
hair growth gel anywhere
where you'd like to see more growth,
and before you know it,
you'll have that bold,
manly look you've desired since
your wife walked out on you,
and if you order now, we'll
send you a second bottle
of Testonics hair growth gel for free.
That's right, I said for free.
- Wow.
- So don't wait, order now.
Can you believe this shit?
They'll sell anybody anything.
I don't know.
I could definitely exactly
use a little growth.
Yeah, well two-timing your
barber will do that to a guy.
(Bill laughs)
Yeah, well, you're all set, Bill.
Hey, thank you very much.
Hey, here you go.
Bill, I can't take this.
It's too much.
No, no, it's okay.
I insist, and tell Rosemary I said hi.
Thanks, Bill, will do.
Take care, and will you be by tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, I'm due for a shave.
See you then.
(door rings)
(intense electronic music)
(camera beeps)
(monster roars)
(man gargles)
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
What's with this mad scientist
And his hair growth formula
We need the scissors of Mustachia
Well, don't you stand
there, peach fuzz
Join in on the crusade
Bring hedge trimmers and nayr grenades
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The elder beard wants to come play
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
Hey, mom, it's Jack.
I'm home.
(calm Spanish music)
Did you do those things I asked you?
Mom, we need to get ready.
You have a doctor's appointment
later today. (Knocks)
Hey, mom, take a seat.
I'll take those for you.
I have to tell you something.
Jackie boy, how are you, sweetie?
Your father just went out.
He'll be back soon.
Mom, he, mom, listen for a minute.
There are bills from months ago.
We need to pay them.
Have you figured out your
Medicare info or social security?
Oh, stop it, Jack.
Your father, he'll take care of them.
No, mom, dad is gone.
He's been gone.
Look, I talked to your bank,
and you have no savings.
We need to get your
Medicare straightened out
and your social security so you can live,
and we don't end up on the street.
(Rosemary cries)
I'm sorry, mom.
[Rosemary] I miss him, your father.
I miss dad too.
Don't worry, Jack,
your father just left.
He'll be back soon.
(upbeat rock music)
(door rings)
Bill, are you back already?
You gonna have to go home sometime.
(ominous electronic music)
Hi, sir.
I'm afraid I'm closed right now,
but I can help you tomorrow.
Okay, I guess I can give you a quick trim.
(clippers short out)
That's weird.
Guess I'll have to do this old school.
Do you know mind if I use scissors?
(eerie orchestra music)
(scissors clatter)
It's everywhere!
It's everywhere, that's it.
It's in you sink!
It's on your shirt.
It's in your hair, and when he comes,
oh, he's gonna come for you.
He's gonna come for you!
What was that, you crazy bastard?
Are you kidding me?
I just got these.
(solemn orchestra music)
Hey, Davey?
Davey, you here?
[Davey] Oh hey, Jack.
I'm just taking care of
something back here real quick.
I'll be right out.
(upbeat rock music)
No, don't worry about it.
Take your time.
[Davey] Yeah, while you're out there,
can you do me a favor and just
hit that switch by the door?
It's on the left.
Yeah, this one?
(electricity zaps)
(Davey yelps)
[Davey] That's the one.
What were you doing back there?
Just some old junk, you know.
People bring in stuff from time to time,
and some of it's worth fixing up,
and some of it just cost me a fuse.
I could see that.
You know, you should really do that stuff
when someone else is around.
You could get hurt.
It's just a little electricity, man.
A little electricity never hurt anybody.
It actually has, like all the time.
Well, whatever.
What can I do for you?
You won't believe it,
but a crazy old man broke my scissors.
So I was wondering if
you had any lying around.
As a matter of fact, someone
came in with this earlier.
It's an old barber set.
It's old, but it's in good condition.
Here, take a look.
What, wow.
How much did you pay for this?
Well, that's the thing, man, not much.
Like maybe like a hundred bucks,
but the person seemed pretty
desperate when they came in.
As soon as I took the cash out,
she just snatched it outta
my hand and ran outta here.
Well, I'd be glad to buy from you.
I'm just pretty low on cash.
Can I pay you half now
and then half later?
I mean, come on.
You're a good friend of mine.
How about just gimme 50 bucks,
and we'll call it square.
I need this thing outta here anyway.
It gives me a weird feeling.
Thank you.
I really needed that.
Okay, next cut's on the house, okay?
[Davey] Yeah, thanks,
appreciate that.
- Thank you.
You can pick it up soon.
Jack mustn't know, and
he'll be here any minute.
Oh, he's here.
I'll see you later.
[Jack] Hey, mom, I'm home.
Who were you talking to on the phone?
Oh, I guess it must
have been your father.
Yeah, sure sounded like it.
How is that?
Oh, you know your father.
He's stuck at the office.
Sure, yeah, I know.
I had the most bizarre day today.
[Rosemary] Really, how so?
Well, Bill came in for his usual cut.
It's pretty busy today at the shop.
Oh, that's good.
Lots of hair was cut then.
Yeah, I guess so.
(Rosemary claps)
Thanks, Mom, but yeah, then
this crazy old man came in,
and he scared the shit outta me
and broke my pairs of scissors.
So I had to run down to Davey's shop
and grab a cheap pair as a replacement.
That's why I'm so late.
No, sweetie.
It's fine.
You just keep doing your best.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, mom.
(sad piano music)
(metal clangs)
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- Just act normal.
Be polite.
You got this.
- Thank you.
- I'm so sorry again.
No, don't worry.
Oh, what's that?
- This?
- That's nice.
What's in there?
It's just an old barber
toolbox, combs, scissors, razors.
Are you a collector or really a barber?
I'm actually a barber.
My shop is right there.
You're kidding.
I just opened up an
antique shop around here.
I was just trying to get
acquainted with the neighborhood.
Yeah, it's really
nice around here, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Do you mind, could I see the set?
Yeah, of course.
Oh wow, that, I would die
to have something like this
in my collection.
I'll tell you what, miss.
Stacy.
Jack, my mom has a
bunch of old furniture
and old antiques that she's
collected over the years.
I'd be glad to sell it to you if you want.
Yeah, I'd love that.
Do you want to meet up somewhere or?
Yeah, here, here's my address.
I'll set them up for you.
Thank you.
I'm still getting some things
straightened out at my shop,
but is it okay if I drop by in a few days?
Yeah, how does Saturday sound?
Sounds perfect.
- Okay.
- I'll see you then.
I'll see you.
(upbeat electronic music)
(Stacy knocks)
Oh, who is this?
My son brought a woman home?
Mom, I'm sorry.
My mom still thinks I'm a teenager.
No, well, if the shoe fits.
Yeah, I still live with my mom.
It's a long story.
Yes, ever since his father died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[Stacy Voice Over] Just
act normal, be polite.
You got this.
How about I make us some
tea, and you can have a look
at all of my precious heirlooms?
My precious and valuable heirlooms.
I'm sorry about that.
This is a pretty unique situation.
It's okay.
So where are these antiques
you're gonna show me?
Ah, yeah, it's in the kitchen,
and I have some more on the
deck if you want to come inside.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh wow, is this a genuine
Anglo-Saxon sword?
Oh, it's all genuine, sweetie.
My family's been
collecting for generations.
Yeah, got that right.
Wow, this is spectacular.
Can I see what else
you've got on the deck?
Yeah, sure.
Wait, wait, before you go,
you have to see this piece.
It's you smell like chicken florentine?
Mom, let's go back to the kitchen.
Hey, sorry about that.
My mom has dementia, which
makes everything so complicated.
See anything you like?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, if you have any questions,
I'll be around.
Actually in the back over
there, there's this wardrobe
that was handcrafted back
in the day, like, you know,
kind of like when the
civil war was. (Yells)
God, you saved my life.
Shut up.
I saved you from a
sprained ankle at worst.
Well, Stacy, let me make it up to you
by cutting your hair using
the antique scissors.
How about you take me
out to dinner instead?
[Stacy Voice Over] Oh,
what are you thinking?
This was just supposed to
be business, nothing more.
(dramatic orchestra music)
(clippers buzz)
(door rings)
This again.
Sir, if you would kindly
just turn around and leave,
I don't have time for any of your antics.
I believe you have
misshaved me for someone else.
All right, I'm closing up soon.
It'll have to be quick.
I apologize.
I have a habit of cutting it pretty close.
All right.
All right, Bill, you're all set.
[Bill] Thanks, Jack.
I'll see you soon.
(phone rings)
Mom, what's going on?
Mom, you're fine.
Just sit down and wait for dad.
(Rosemary screams and hangs up)
(eerie electronic music)
Mom, mom.
I'm so sorry, but you have to go.
I need to go.
I'm so sorry.
(Rosemary screams)
No, no.
No!
[Stranger] Here, get out.
[Jack] The fuck?
Damn, damn, that son
of a beard got away.
That thing was covered
and it took my mom away.
It was a were beard.
It took your mom away to
make itself a new host.
What are you talking about?
I'm part of a secret
organization called the Monastery
of Mustaches.
You're in a secret organization
but you carry a badge around?
That's not very secrety.
Oh, they sent me here
to investigate new were beard activity.
You keep saying were beard
like it's a thing.
What are you talking about?
It's easier if I just show you.
Follow me.
Oh geez, that's Terry, my mom's nurse.
Well, Terry's toast.
Come on, look here.
See these bite marks here?
Some might look at that and say, damn,
that bitch got bit by a vampire.
Well, I can tell you two things.
We're not in Los Angeles, and
this is were beard residue,
the hair from a were beard.
Their follicles infect people
and make them their hosts.
Wait, so those things
are going to infect my mom?
Oh, I wouldn't worry too much.
It can take weeks for a
were beard to infect a host.
They usually take them back to their lair,
but they left this one behind.
I don't know why.
What's happening?
(goop spurts)
What's that goop coming
out of Terry's neck?
Hmm, yes, I've never seen this before.
It's new.
I think my old foes have gotten an updo.
Stick with me kid, and I
think we can shave your mom.
I mean, save your mom
and probably the world.
I don't know.
This is all pretty insane.
I must be hallucinating.
Hallucinate this. (Slaps)
(chaotic jazz music)
I think I'm gonna call the cops.
I wouldn't do that.
In fact, definitely don't do that.
I'm ordering you not to do that.
Well, why not?
Cops couldn't shave a baby bald.
Okay, if you say so.
(phone beeps)
(door knocks)
(intense electronic music)
Did you call the cops?
You toothless comb.
I'll be in your car.
(door closes)
Good evening, sir.
I'm Officer Harrison.
I understand you're the one
who called about your mother
and your nurse being murdered.
Yes, it wasn't my nurse.
It was my mom's.
[Tech] Damn, look at those bite marks.
This is the sixth one this week.
[Tech 2] Man, where are
all these damn vampires
coming from?
We already got the jersey
devil up in this bitch.
Stay on your own damn coast.
[Tech] I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna be taking a wooden stake
wherever I go from now on.
[Tech 2] Hell yeah, you are.
Hello, sir?
Yeah, sorry.
I heard her struggle.
So I came as fast as I
can, and I saw a guy.
Well, I think it was a guy.
It was a guy in a suit, and
he dragged my mother away.
Gotcha, hey, Louis.
Got another vampire attack.
Guy in a suit dragged the mother away.
No, no, it wasn't like
a three fitted suit.
It was like a like a furry suit.
Like a furry.
No, like, what is that?
Oh, this?
I'm using that new hair growth gel.
Gotta get the volume back.
You understand, you're a barber.
I never mentioned I was a barber.
I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
Hey, wait.
(eerie electronic music)
Wait, so if you didn't
have your own vehicle,
how did you get to my
house right after me?
The Monastery of Mustaches
provides me with a web
of resources that I always
have at my disposal.
Pull forward a bit.
That's my room.
That smell is a weapon of my own design.
I call it nayr grenade.
Sorry, what?
A nayr grenade, pop
one of those suckers,
and you have an instantly
dissolved were beard.
Wouldn't it just become a werebald?
A were-what, a werebald?
You don't know the first thing
about were beards, do you?
Honestly, I didn't know they
existed until 20 minutes ago.
A were beard is completely
comprised of beard hair
and the flesh of its former host.
Dissolve the hair, all that's
left is a clump you can rinse
down your sink.
Why would they take my mom?
I don't know.
Neither of them seemed like
particularly good hosts.
[Radio] Calling all
units, we've got a report
of a code 1224.
Shit.
What's a code 1224?
That means they broke
in, trashed the place,
bit the inhabitants on the
neck and left the TV on.
In short, it was a were beard attack.
Come on.
We gotta get there before the cops do.
(sirens blare)
With this much fuzz around,
it's gonna be a close shave to get in.
We're going to need these.
Why do you just have two FBI jackets?
Who carries that shit around?
Just shut up and take the jacket.
Keep your mouth shut and
let me do the talking.
Okay, old man.
Nobody's gonna believe
you're an FBI agent.
Watch how a professional
gets things done.
I've been called in by HQ to take
over this botched fade
you call an investigation.
Yes, sir.
Go on inside.
Officer Jenkins is already
in there waiting for you.
See, I told you that'd work.
I don't know.
That guy seemed pretty familiar.
Nah, his beard was way too big!
Officer Jenkins, is that you?
(Jenkins burps and growls)
(intense orchestra music)
(thunder rolls)
(Jack groans)
What happened?
Where am I?
Hit your head pretty hard,
didn't you, peach fuzz.
I can tell you one thing.
This was no coincidence.
This was a setup.
Somebody knows we're onto them.
Onto them, what do you mean?
Damn it, kid.
Have you been sleeping
this whole damn time?
The goop, the rise of
the were beard attacks.
Something's going down.
Let's untangle this bitch.
(dramatic electronic music)
Good evening, Lieutenant Harry.
I've made some progress on
the case in upstate New York.
I'm sending you over a sample
of some green goop I've found
at two crime scenes now.
I've also taken a civilian under my wing.
I think he may be key
in solving this case.
Agent Hunter, my man, nicely done.
Use the guy.
We'll have the lab run the numbers,
and we'll send 'em to
you as soon as we can.
Don't worry about it.
I think I've come to
terms with this insanity,
but if I'm going to agree to
work with you any further,
I need to know everything.
It all started with the whisker wars.
(projector whirs)
[Narrator] There was
a time when the faces
of men knew no razor, for
they were bare to the world.
Then Beelzebeard arrived and
brought with him Beardgedon.
Man, woman, and child was
stricken with the itch
of facial hair.
From the darkness, seven barbers rose
and forged the scissors of Mustachia.
That's the only surviving
painting of the whisker wars.
I had to fill in the rest myself.
[Narrator] With the scissors,
they defeated Beelzebeard
in mortal combat.
They locked him away in a relic,
but strands of Beelzebeard remained.
Using a human host, it
formed the elder beard.
Since then, the elder beard
has scoured the earth in search
of the relic to free Beelzebeard
and be reunited with his master.
Listen, that was great,
but I have a lot going on tomorrow.
I have a thing tomorrow night,
and I still have to take over the shop.
What do you mean you have to go?
What could be more important
than putting an end
to this madness?
I have a date with an attractive woman.
You have a date?
When your mom could be slowly
turned into a were beard
as we speak, you have a date?
You said it could take a
while for the transformation
to be complete and the
results won't be back
for a couple days.
So what's the harm in
taking a few hours off
to grab some dinner?
Maybe I was wrong about you.
I thought you could be a
seamless moussed quiff,
but instead, you're just a basic buzz cut.
You know where to find me
when you come to your senses.
(groovy jazz music)
Hey, how's it going?
Better now that you're here.
Sorry, I had some some,
work has been busy lately.
Busy cutting lots of hair?
You could say that.
How's your shop coming along?
Great, actually, I
already sold the wardrobe
and almost sold the sword
I bought from you two.
Almost?
The guy wanted to know
if it worked on vampires.
What?
Yeah, I told him you
are wrong on two levels.
A, this is the east coast, right?
And B, read any book and you would know
that you can only kill
vampires with a wooden stake.
Then the guy just walked out.
What a weirdo.
Right?
Welcome to Cheeses Crust Pizza.
Specials so sinful, he died.
He's dead now.
He's gone.
So what can I get for you guys?
I'll just take a classic spaghetti
with tomato sauce on top.
Of course, for you?
I'll take one of those too.
Right.
So where are you from?
Connecticut, I really just
grew up there as a kid, though.
Spent most of my life in LA.
Then after getting my bachelor's
in business, I moved here.
Wow, Stacy seems like
you got it all figured out.
I wish I could get my life
straightened out like that.
Oh, don't sell yourself short.
You own your own business,
and you take care of your mom.
That's more than a lot
of people could say.
I appreciate that, but I don't know.
Ever since everyone has their
own razors and you know,
cell phones are now making
people bald at a younger age.
(Stacy laughs)
I don't know.
No one needs to go to the barber anymore.
Enjoy, I guess.
[Jack] Excuse me.
Oh.
Hair
Here, let me call the
waiter and get you a new dish.
No, no, no, no, don't.
Don't worry about it.
I don't wanna make a scene.
[Jack] You sure?
It's pretty gross.
Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
See, it's all gone.
No big deal.
Anyways, I was saying
my life's a wreck too.
After my husband died...
You had a husband?
Yeah, we were young and in love,
but then he took a business trip to Spain.
What was he doing in Spain?
It was for his job.
Every year, he would go to
the International Bowling Expo
in Spain.
You'd never think it,
but Spain is obsessed.
Anyways, there was a prototype
for a rocket-propelled bowling ball.
During the presentation...
It's okay, you don't have to.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine, I'm fine, it's fine.
The bowling ball's guidance
system malfunctioned,
and it struck my husband in
the head exploding everywhere
all over people.
It was a seven/10 split. (Cries)
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
You must think I'm totally bizarre.
Oh no, not at all.
Actually, I relate.
My father died when I was a young boy.
That's rough, buddy.
Here's your check, by the way.
Thanks.
Thank you.
(people scream in the distance)
Make yourself comfortable.
When we came in, what
was that screaming?
Kind of creeped me out.
Oh, that's where I
hide all of my victims.
(Stacy laughs menacingly)
Yeah, seriously, I think there's some sort
of horror movie night
in the community room.
So you were telling me
about your dad before?
Yeah, my dad disappeared.
He went down into the basement for a pack
of cigarettes and never came back.
I'm sorry.
And just yesterday,
you won't believe this,
but my mom was kidnapped,
and her nurse was murdered.
I don't know what to say.
I can't even imagine what that's like.
(bright rock music)
Just a humble guy
trying to cut some hair
And now there's monsters everywhere
But she made me forget about that
My husband died, then I joined a cult
That yielded unexpected results
But you made me forget about that
Let's live for tonight
Let's live for tonight
While we can
While we can
Because I'd like to get
Because I'd like to get
To know you more
To know you more
But if you mention vampires once
You'll be sleeping on the floor
I wanna hold her close
I can't let him know
Am I her kind guy
I can't keep up this lie
But there's something here
But there's something here
Between us that we can't deny
Between us that we can't deny
(cheery contemporary music)
(window breaks)
(monster growls)
(Stacy yelps)
Ow, would you stop hitting
me, you crazy bastard.
You're weak.
We gotta make you stronger
if you want to save your mom
and your girlfriend.
I'm gonna take you from
fauxhawk to mohawk.
Full plan, it was gonna work out.
(chaotic jazz music)
I almost knew.
What are you doing?
What is that?
What is it?
(monster growls)
What does that even mean?
What happened last night?
How did I end up here?
Hey, you're my new best friend.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Forget about it.
I got the results back from the
Monastery of Mustache's lab.
And what'd they say?
What's the scoop on the goop?
The goop, it's at the center of it all.
You know that local commercial
they've been selling beard
cream with?
Oh, that is a scam.
The lumberjack games right
around the corner sponsored
by Chris Anderson of the Miami Heat,
it's all about the beards, man.
Where people from all over
the tri-state area gather
to worship big, majestic,
beautiful beards,
magnificent displays of lumberjackery.
So you add all those things up.
What do you get?
What?
A massive were beard army.
The old factory, that's
where it's coming from.
[Hunter] Bingo, whatever
the beards are planning
is happening there.
Then let's stop wasting time.
I've got beards to shave.
(upbeat rock music)
The relic emanates light
Watch a portal open wide
There's cowlicks to comb out tonight
And they have no hair to hide
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
You know this is unnecessary.
You brought in a
stranger to have coitus.
Under the decree of the elder beard,
you are under house arrest.
So I'm under house arrest.
Does that mean we can leave the room?
It's chicken florentine for lunch today.
Yeah, actually, I could eat.
I can't help but admire what a wise
and crafty leader the elder beard is.
Oh, and what does the wise
and handsome leader plan
for us this time?
Well, you haven't heard this from me,
but do you know the barber
and his pesky friend,
the beard hunter, that duo
that had been such a pain
in the ass recently?
Yeah.
Well, I heard they're going to be going
to the warehouse tonight
to confront the creator
of the goop, and when they
do, we're going to swoop in
and reclaim what is ours and
then take out the barber.
(both chuckle menacingly)
[Stacy Voice Over]
Jack, I could convince him
to see our side and join
the cult and find his,
no, our destiny.
Then finally, all of this
bloodshed could come to an end.
(sultry rock music)
Do you really think the
elder beard is gonna be there?
I don't know.
I really hope not, not again.
Again, you've faced
the elder beard before?
Yeah, you could say I've faced him,
but my past is not gonna help us here.
You need to focus on the task at hand.
Do you know anything
about were beard society?
Seeing as how I just learned
what a were beard is two days
and 20 minutes ago.
The were beard hierarchy is
the stages of were beard growth.
It also marks their place
in were beard society.
All were beards start out as
a disgusting little hairball
that incubates until it turns into
what we call a face-hanger.
At that stage, it needs a host to mutate
into a fully grown
were beard or soldier beard.
After that, there's the elder beard.
There's only ever been one.
Jesus, how old is that thing then?
Thousands of years.
It was defeated once, but all
were beards can revert back
into a hairball to regenerate.
It's been around long enough
to have every contingency planned.
How do we kill something like that?
The scissors I mentioned before.
We corner him, make sure there's
no hosts around to infect,
and then we cut him into bits.
(lamp buzzes)
The magic in the scissors prevents him
from being able to regenerate.
So we better go get those scissors then.
You think I just have the scissors
of a Mustachia just lying around?
I don't think so.
If I did, this would've
been over a long time ago.
Goddamn it, would you
just tell me what's going on
between you and that Goddamn elder beard?
I get it.
You're a barber.
There's no head of hair you can't cut.
Well, this is one cowlick
you can't comb out.
The scissors have been
lost for hundreds of years.
The elder beard is unstoppable.
There's no winning this.
We're going to that factory,
and we're gonna put a stop
to whatever scheme he's
planning, and that's it.
So what, you and the were beards
have this Saturday morning
storyline going on until
there's no agents left?
Sorry to break this to you,
but that doesn't end well for you.
What am I supposed to do,
just quit, let them win?
I don't think so.
I'm going to that factory, and
I'm gonna do what I was put
on this hairy earth to
do, fight were beards.
I have to save my mom,
but then I'm done with
your ridiculous crusade.
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
(radio blares music)
(intimidating electronic music)
(door opens and shuts)
It's really fucking quiet.
Isn't that usually a bad thing?
No sign is a good sign.
(goop oozes)
What's going on here?
I don't know.
This can't be the were beards.
They may be soulless parasites,
but they're not monsters.
(monster growls)
Watch it, kid.
You're gonna poke somebody's eye out.
Get off your high horse,
you dollar store Van Hellsing.
(intense rock music)
(clippers buzz)
(monster growls)
(monster growls)
(Hunter grunts)
(monster growls)
(upbeat rock music)
(scientist claps)
That's not Chris
Anderson of the Miami Heat.
Congratulations, Hunter.
I didn't think you'd catch on so quickly,
much less find my hideout.
You wish to know who I am?
I'll tell you.
I am the new elder beard,
and I'll raise as the earth
with a new breed of
were beard, and together,
we'll conquer until nothing is left
but beautiful, beautiful beards,
and you two will be the first
to join my ranks. (Laughs)
(shirt tears)
(trash crumples)
(scientist groans)
(coughs) I'll tell you everything.
I was born with osteogenesis imperfect a.
I devoted my life to finding a cure
to osteogenesis imperfect a.
I met a woman.
Together, we searched for
cure, but instead, found love.
I was a bald, frail husk
when my love left me.
All I had left was rage.
(fire crackles)
I met the inventor of the
rocket-propelled bowling ball.
He introduced me to the beard cult,
and I learned of the werebeard's evil,
demonic, vile strength of hair.
[Stacy Voice Over] The
beard cult may be bad?
I knew what I had to do. (Coughs)
I sought the beard cult out
and discovered one of their compounds
at the Van Dyke mansion.
(scientist cries)
I needed that relic from the beard cult.
I stole it.
Fuck!
And used it to reverse-engineer
were beard (coughs)
DNA and created the hair growth formula.
Why did you need my mom?
Rosemary is your mother?
I needed her for...
(scientist chokes)
[Jack] Tell me!
Come on, kid.
We gotta get outta here.
It's getting hairier than a
hipster at an ayahuasca retreat.
What about my mom?
(dramatic orchestra music)
Come on, we gotta go.
Come on, come on, damn it.
(monster growls)
(Rosemary screams)
No, mom!
At least I could still get the relic.
No, the relic!
Jack!
Stacy?
(monster growls)
(Stacy screams)
Stacy, why, God, why?
(Hunter hits Jack)
(warehouse explodes)
Shit, they found your room.
- Fuck.
- Shit, shit, shit.
What do we do?
I don't know, kid.
We're running out of options here.
Well, just go to the barbershop.
(intense orchestra music)
(monster growls)
Fine, no, were beards are
gonna be all over that place.
Just do it.
Something's telling me
that we should go there.
Okay, kid, I'm trusting you.
(rhythmic jazz music)
Okay, it looks all clear.
Come on in.
Hey, what is this?
What's what?
This box.
That's an old set of
shaving tools I bought
at a pawn shop.
Some psycho broke my old ones.
Well, shave my balls.
Do you know what these are?
Antique barber tools?
No, you beautiful idiot.
These are the scissors from the story.
The scissors of Mustachia,
you found them.
(bright orchestra music)
(scissors electrocute Hunter)
They won't answer to me.
Grab them, grab them now.
Okay, okay.
(scissors buzz)
(intense electronic music)
(Jack gasps)
(scissors clatter)
Mustachia, the first were beard hunter,
those scissors belonged to them.
They're enchanted with an ancient magic.
It's the only thing that
can defeat the elder beard.
So what, I'm some sort of chosen one?
(laughs) Not with
those calves you aren't,
but you are the closest thing we've got.
Let's get 'em, peach fuzz.
(ominous electronic music)
(fan buzzes)
(chains rattle)
[Elder Beard] Rise and shines, Stacy.
Did you have a good nap?
Elder beard?
It's an honor to meet you,
oh, wise an handsome leader.
Do you find it an
honor to meet me truly?
Because your actions of
late have stirred discord
and discontent amongst the cult.
I never meant to do anything like that.
I only had the cult's
best interest at heart.
Then why did you bring the barber here?
Timing is everything, and
this was not the time.
I thought I could get close
to him to learn the location
of the scissors for you.
So you do not trust me?
You do not trust that I have a plan?
You think I am incapable of
outsmarting a dimwitted barber
and his lowly hunter friend?
Never, Elder Beard.
[Stacy Voice Over] I would never,
Some of our members have proven loyal
and have been rewarded with the mark.
Others are bestowed greater honors
like my newest host you see before you.
Others are given the mark,
not because they are loyal,
but because they can't
be trusted without it.
You will be given a chance
to prove yourself loyal
as a were beard.
I would be honored, Elder Beard.
[Stacy Voice Over] I'll
never be with Jack again.
Wait, why did I say that?
I should be honored to be given the mark.
Oh, my emotions.
(dramatic orchestra music)
(car pulls in)
Davey, it's just Davey.
Who the fuck is Davey?
He's my friend.
He could be in the beard cult.
Get down.
Would you calm down?
He gave me the scissors
in the first place.
[Davey] Oh, hey, I thought
I'd nab that free haircut.
Sorry, but right now
is not the best time.
Why, what's going on?
(monster growls)
(Davey whimpers)
Oh shit.
(scissors zap monster)
What the hell is that?
It's a were beard.
A were beard, I saw that on the news.
I knew it wasn't vampires.
I'm so smart.
I knew it, I knew it.
Let's go inside before
more of them come back.
What is this, a sword or something?
It's a long story.
[Stacy Voice Over] No, no,
no, no, no, this isn't right.
I can't become were beard.
I still need to find my path,
and this definitely isn't it.
You know, I've never really
been a fan of those things.
(Monster growls)
(blood spurts)
(intense rock music)
(Stacy spits)
Damn, how do I get outta here?
[Cult Member] Remember, students,
the face hanger embryonic
fluid is incredibly acidic
to everything but were beards.
So be mindful.
(cuffs clinks)
(fluid hisses)
(Stacy screams)
Well, that's all we've got.
My communicator's back at the motel room.
So no backup, and the rest of
the arsenal's there as well.
So we're pretty much screwed.
Yeah, I don't think we can
take on a whole were beard army
with just us three and
the scissors of Mustachia.
I think I might have a suggestion.
Well, spit it out.
Don't just sit there like a dull blade.
Well, the auction that I just came from,
I bought some landscaping equipment there.
You think that might be able to help us?
Now this, I can work with.
Do you think this is enough
to take out the elder beard?
[Hunter] The last time
I faced the elder beard,
I had a partner.
We were young but still far
more experienced than you two.
The monastery sent us on
what was supposed to be
just another routine mission,
clear out a known were beard den.
[Partner] How many times
have I got to tell you, kid.
That tactical gear is
too tight on your thighs.
It'll slow you down out there.
You got to stay nimble.
[Hunter] Hey, with a suit
this tight, there's not an inch
of premium, pasty white skin
a were beard can latch onto.
Besides you're just jealous.
I'm pulling it off.
[Partner] What you got there?
Don't tell me, another
one In your goofy gadgets.
Does this one at least work
better than the last one?
What was it, the...
[Hunter] It was the
beard trimmer nunchucks.
I still stand by the prototype.
I finally solved the battery issue
and adjusted the cord length.
So this time, they'll be
ready for use in the field.
[Partner] It can't be worse
than the first time, me?
I prefer to get up close
and personal. (Yells)
(sultry jazz music)
Let's hit 'em up and move them out.
Looks like HQ was right, kid.
Only a couple of small fries.
This should be an easy in and out.
[Hunter] I'm ready when you are.
(intense electronic music)
[Partner] Yeehaw, and
that's how it's done.
Like I said, kid, nothing
quite like getting up close
and personal.
(groans) It got me.
[Hunter] Oops.
[Partner] Help me!
(monster growls)
Was that the new thing?
[Hunter] Yeah, that was the
first and only nayr grenade.
[Partner] Those things
pack one hell of a punch.
Nice job, peach fuzz.
Let's get in there and wrap this thing up.
(ominous electronic music)
[Hunter] As we crawled
deeper into the den,
there in the shadows, our
greatest fear, the elder beard,
and he was infecting a new host.
My partner signaled us to
retreat, but it was too late.
We were surrounded by dozens
of were beards within seconds.
They beat us to a stubble,
and to make it worse,
they made me watch for days
as my partner was infected.
Some sort of sick joke.
[Partner] Hey there, peach fuzz.
How am I looking?
Don't tell me.
I'm overdue for a shave again, aren't I?
And they left me alive as a warning
to all other beard hunters.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Well, listen here.
My partner and I, we had style,
but we didn't have your guts,
we didn't have your grit,
and we definitely didn't have
your giant magical scissors
that can transform into a sword.
So I think we can do this.
How about you?
[Group] Yeah!
(upbeat hip hop music)
More carrots, don't tear it
More carrots, where's Garrett
Here I come from the west side
Left side
The right brain drives me insane
(radio blares music)
Hey, where are we going exactly?
The beard cult hideout.
Okay, and where is that exactly?
I have no idea.
Wait, didn't the scientist
say something about a mansion
or a manner?
Yeah, the Dick Van Dyke Museum.
Do you mean the Van Dyke manner?
Yep, that's it.
Well, shit, that's in the
complete opposite direction.
(tires squeal)
(tire hisses)
(hairball squeaks in the woods)
(yells) Help, this things attached to me.
(Jack beats hairball)
(hairball squeaks)
I think that's a hairball,
an early stage of were beard,
not strong on their own but
very dangerous in numbers.
How many numbers?
Beware the mark of the were beard
We gotta get outta here.
Hunter, got.
The whisker wars must end
- What about this tire?
[Jack] No time, drive now!
(truck starts)
Do you bare the mark of the were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
I can't see for shit.
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
Abandon ship, abandon ship.
(truck crashes)
We're gonna shave the day
(fire crackles)
I hope you guys are ready.
It's time to give these
monsters a shave they'll
never forget.
(dramatic electronic music)
Cheeses crust pizza
boxes, size 10 shoe prints,
faint musk of after shave, oh,
Jack and the beard
hunter must've been here,
but if they're going after the
cult, they'll never survive.
I have to help them, but
oh, I can't do anything
with this stump.
(machete chops)
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're eating with these people?
You're dressed like them too?
These people, they're our people.
The scientist, he held you hostage so.
Why do you think that is?
What use could a scientist
have with an old ailing woman?
When that wretched sack
of shit stole our relic,
he didn't know how to use it.
He needed me to harness its power
to control its abominations,
a disgrace to the elder beard.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
We really have you to thank, my son.
If it weren't for all of
your efforts to collect
so much hair, none of
this would be possible.
If you were collecting the hair,
what about beards for tots?
A ruse, a fake, a ploy
to get the hair I needed
for the summoning of the Beelzebeard.
Enough of this.
Where is the elder beard, you bitch.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
The elder beard is here among us,
but you will never get to him.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
I have one mission in my life,
and that is to find the
elder beard and destroy him.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
Jack, you take care of Beardgedon,
and I'll find the elder beard.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
Werebeards, get them!
(monster growls)
(dramatic rock music)
(singing in a foreign language)
(guys grunt)
Oh shit.
Jack, I always wanted to say...
Save it, man.
Don't speak, rest.
I feel a little weird.
You'll be okay, buddy.
I still owe you that haircut.
Forget it, Jack.
I was never a hairstylist. (Gargles)
No! (Cries)
[Cultists] Beelzebeard,
Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard,
Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard.
(Jack yells)
(portal opens)
(intense rock music)
(Beelzebeard garbles)
Get outta here, kid.
Go tell the Monastery
of Mustaches everything.
(magic whistles)
(Beelzebeard whines)
You just couldn't let it go, could you?
Mom, what's going on?
What is all this?
I'm so confused.
You know what they say, Jackie?
Mother knows best.
Now be the good boy I raised
and help your mother clean up this mess.
I'll deal with your friends.
Is this dementia or have
those lunatics brainwashed you?
I assure you I am quite
in the right frame of mind.
I must say this comes as a disappointment
that this is all a shock to you.
This was always in your
best interest despite
what your father thought.
Beelzebeard was meant
to be a gift for you,
the herald of the end days.
By the great beard of Merlin, woman.
You rabble on and on about
what, your whiny little son,
who's frankly a third rate barber at best?
Hey, elder bitch, leave my mom alone.
Sonny, you don't understand
the situation at all.
Your mother chose to be my host.
Of course, she planned to have
you carry that great honor,
but plans changed.
I wouldn't be the kind,
omnipotent, cult leader that I am
if I didn't take care of my people.
You're not the sharpest razor
in the shaving kit, are you?
Your mother's mind, I restore
her mind, and in trade,
she offered you to be the
harbinger of Beardgedon,
and now since you've fucked all that up,
I'm going to kick your scrawny ass.
This ends right now.
(dramatic choir music)
(Rosemary yells)
(Stacy yells)
(monster growls)
(Stacy grunts)
[Stacy Voice Over] Jack,
he was the chosen one,
but the cult accepts me for
who I am and provides lunches.
No, Stacy, your heart has already chosen.
For love!
(elder beard squeaks)
Hold still, hold still, kid.
I'm gonna get it off you.
Gonna get it off you.
Wow, that were beard
healing factor works fast.
Okay, I gotta go find my mom.
Mom, you okay?
[Rosemary] Oh, I forgot
where I hid the Christmas presents.
I forgive you, Mom.
(ominous electronic music)
(serene orchestra music)
(heart monitor beeps)
Stacy, where am I?
Sh, it's okay, rest.
You're in a hospital.
The Monastery of Mustaches headquarters.
Monastery of what?
You're safe now.
We all are thanks to you.
Do you remember our first date?
Of course I do.
Do you think we could do that again?
How does right now sound?
(door opens)
Let's see here.
Good morning, Mr. Razor.
Let me be the first to congratulate you.
It looks like you've fully
recovered from an acute case
of mark of the were beard.
Now for the bad news.
Looks like your minor
scrapes, your concussion,
your broken ribs, and your
karate-induced sciatica,
they've all returned.
What, did you say mark of the were beard?
Yeah, but don't worry.
It was a small infection, and
it actually cleaned itself out
just like a browser history
at a public library.
I don't think that's how that works.
So anyways, you're superhero-like
regenerative abilities
are gone.
So you're gonna need to rest up,
and you'll be back on
your feet in no time.
You know, I'm just gonna make this quick
before anyone else interrupts us.
(door opens)
Davey, I thought you died.
Hey, so did the were beards.
You know, I'm like a possum
playing dead to survive.
Anyway, I came in for that free haircut.
What, right now?
(clippers buzz)
(door closes)
There can't anyone else, right?
[Director] Cut.
(upbeat rock music)
(laughs) I like it.
Leave it in.
Leave it in.
That's a rap, that's a rap!
There is an ancient evil
A cult like never before
The elder beard will
grow out of every pore
Now faced with one decision
That determines our fate
Let them win or exterminate
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
(upbeat pop music)
Just a humble guy
trying to cut some hair
And now there's monsters everywhere
But you made me forget about that
My husband died then I joined the cult
That yielded unexpected results
But you made me forget about that
Let's live for tonight
Let's live for tonight
While we can
While we can
Because I'd like to get
Because I'd like to get
To know you more
To know you more
But if you mention vampires once
You'll be sleeping on the floor
I want to hold her close
I can't let him know
Am I that kind of guy
I can't keep up this lie
But there's something here
But there's something here
Between us that we can't deny
Between us that we can't deny
(solemn orchestra music)
(door rings)
(TV buzzes and hisses)
(sink runs)
(door rings)
Hey, Bill, how you doing?
Yeah, Jack, I'm doing quite well.
How's my favorite barber?
Bill, I'm your only barber.
I am your only barber, right?
I'll never tell. (Laughs)
Sit down, and I'll give
you a trim, you old tramp.
All right, all right.
(upbeat pop music)
- This is Vic Cannon,
your eyes on the sky at WVBW.
We're live on scene where it's
some kind of creature appears
to be on a rampage.
(clippers buzz)
Oh, get it high above
the ears, you know?
Bill, if I bring it any
higher around the ears,
you won't have any hair left.
(Bill laughs)
[Vic] It looks as though
the creature knows some type
of karate or kung fu.
Back again?
Oh God, Kevin, it's hard to watch.
This poor man.
Hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you turn that up a bit?
I wanna hear this.
Do you have a wimpy beard?
Is there a mustache lacking gusto?
Do you wish you had more
hair on the top of your head?
If you answered yes to
any of those questions,
I have a product just for you.
Testonics, Science for
Men presents the latest
in hair growth technology.
Simply apply Testonics
hair growth gel anywhere
where you'd like to see more growth,
and before you know it,
you'll have that bold,
manly look you've desired since
your wife walked out on you,
and if you order now, we'll
send you a second bottle
of Testonics hair growth gel for free.
That's right, I said for free.
- Wow.
- So don't wait, order now.
Can you believe this shit?
They'll sell anybody anything.
I don't know.
I could definitely exactly
use a little growth.
Yeah, well two-timing your
barber will do that to a guy.
(Bill laughs)
Yeah, well, you're all set, Bill.
Hey, thank you very much.
Hey, here you go.
Bill, I can't take this.
It's too much.
No, no, it's okay.
I insist, and tell Rosemary I said hi.
Thanks, Bill, will do.
Take care, and will you be by tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, I'm due for a shave.
See you then.
(door rings)
(intense electronic music)
(camera beeps)
(monster roars)
(man gargles)
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
What's with this mad scientist
And his hair growth formula
We need the scissors of Mustachia
Well, don't you stand
there, peach fuzz
Join in on the crusade
Bring hedge trimmers and nayr grenades
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The elder beard wants to come play
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
Hey, mom, it's Jack.
I'm home.
(calm Spanish music)
Did you do those things I asked you?
Mom, we need to get ready.
You have a doctor's appointment
later today. (Knocks)
Hey, mom, take a seat.
I'll take those for you.
I have to tell you something.
Jackie boy, how are you, sweetie?
Your father just went out.
He'll be back soon.
Mom, he, mom, listen for a minute.
There are bills from months ago.
We need to pay them.
Have you figured out your
Medicare info or social security?
Oh, stop it, Jack.
Your father, he'll take care of them.
No, mom, dad is gone.
He's been gone.
Look, I talked to your bank,
and you have no savings.
We need to get your
Medicare straightened out
and your social security so you can live,
and we don't end up on the street.
(Rosemary cries)
I'm sorry, mom.
[Rosemary] I miss him, your father.
I miss dad too.
Don't worry, Jack,
your father just left.
He'll be back soon.
(upbeat rock music)
(door rings)
Bill, are you back already?
You gonna have to go home sometime.
(ominous electronic music)
Hi, sir.
I'm afraid I'm closed right now,
but I can help you tomorrow.
Okay, I guess I can give you a quick trim.
(clippers short out)
That's weird.
Guess I'll have to do this old school.
Do you know mind if I use scissors?
(eerie orchestra music)
(scissors clatter)
It's everywhere!
It's everywhere, that's it.
It's in you sink!
It's on your shirt.
It's in your hair, and when he comes,
oh, he's gonna come for you.
He's gonna come for you!
What was that, you crazy bastard?
Are you kidding me?
I just got these.
(solemn orchestra music)
Hey, Davey?
Davey, you here?
[Davey] Oh hey, Jack.
I'm just taking care of
something back here real quick.
I'll be right out.
(upbeat rock music)
No, don't worry about it.
Take your time.
[Davey] Yeah, while you're out there,
can you do me a favor and just
hit that switch by the door?
It's on the left.
Yeah, this one?
(electricity zaps)
(Davey yelps)
[Davey] That's the one.
What were you doing back there?
Just some old junk, you know.
People bring in stuff from time to time,
and some of it's worth fixing up,
and some of it just cost me a fuse.
I could see that.
You know, you should really do that stuff
when someone else is around.
You could get hurt.
It's just a little electricity, man.
A little electricity never hurt anybody.
It actually has, like all the time.
Well, whatever.
What can I do for you?
You won't believe it,
but a crazy old man broke my scissors.
So I was wondering if
you had any lying around.
As a matter of fact, someone
came in with this earlier.
It's an old barber set.
It's old, but it's in good condition.
Here, take a look.
What, wow.
How much did you pay for this?
Well, that's the thing, man, not much.
Like maybe like a hundred bucks,
but the person seemed pretty
desperate when they came in.
As soon as I took the cash out,
she just snatched it outta
my hand and ran outta here.
Well, I'd be glad to buy from you.
I'm just pretty low on cash.
Can I pay you half now
and then half later?
I mean, come on.
You're a good friend of mine.
How about just gimme 50 bucks,
and we'll call it square.
I need this thing outta here anyway.
It gives me a weird feeling.
Thank you.
I really needed that.
Okay, next cut's on the house, okay?
[Davey] Yeah, thanks,
appreciate that.
- Thank you.
You can pick it up soon.
Jack mustn't know, and
he'll be here any minute.
Oh, he's here.
I'll see you later.
[Jack] Hey, mom, I'm home.
Who were you talking to on the phone?
Oh, I guess it must
have been your father.
Yeah, sure sounded like it.
How is that?
Oh, you know your father.
He's stuck at the office.
Sure, yeah, I know.
I had the most bizarre day today.
[Rosemary] Really, how so?
Well, Bill came in for his usual cut.
It's pretty busy today at the shop.
Oh, that's good.
Lots of hair was cut then.
Yeah, I guess so.
(Rosemary claps)
Thanks, Mom, but yeah, then
this crazy old man came in,
and he scared the shit outta me
and broke my pairs of scissors.
So I had to run down to Davey's shop
and grab a cheap pair as a replacement.
That's why I'm so late.
No, sweetie.
It's fine.
You just keep doing your best.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, mom.
(sad piano music)
(metal clangs)
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- Just act normal.
Be polite.
You got this.
- Thank you.
- I'm so sorry again.
No, don't worry.
Oh, what's that?
- This?
- That's nice.
What's in there?
It's just an old barber
toolbox, combs, scissors, razors.
Are you a collector or really a barber?
I'm actually a barber.
My shop is right there.
You're kidding.
I just opened up an
antique shop around here.
I was just trying to get
acquainted with the neighborhood.
Yeah, it's really
nice around here, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Do you mind, could I see the set?
Yeah, of course.
Oh wow, that, I would die
to have something like this
in my collection.
I'll tell you what, miss.
Stacy.
Jack, my mom has a
bunch of old furniture
and old antiques that she's
collected over the years.
I'd be glad to sell it to you if you want.
Yeah, I'd love that.
Do you want to meet up somewhere or?
Yeah, here, here's my address.
I'll set them up for you.
Thank you.
I'm still getting some things
straightened out at my shop,
but is it okay if I drop by in a few days?
Yeah, how does Saturday sound?
Sounds perfect.
- Okay.
- I'll see you then.
I'll see you.
(upbeat electronic music)
(Stacy knocks)
Oh, who is this?
My son brought a woman home?
Mom, I'm sorry.
My mom still thinks I'm a teenager.
No, well, if the shoe fits.
Yeah, I still live with my mom.
It's a long story.
Yes, ever since his father died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[Stacy Voice Over] Just
act normal, be polite.
You got this.
How about I make us some
tea, and you can have a look
at all of my precious heirlooms?
My precious and valuable heirlooms.
I'm sorry about that.
This is a pretty unique situation.
It's okay.
So where are these antiques
you're gonna show me?
Ah, yeah, it's in the kitchen,
and I have some more on the
deck if you want to come inside.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh wow, is this a genuine
Anglo-Saxon sword?
Oh, it's all genuine, sweetie.
My family's been
collecting for generations.
Yeah, got that right.
Wow, this is spectacular.
Can I see what else
you've got on the deck?
Yeah, sure.
Wait, wait, before you go,
you have to see this piece.
It's you smell like chicken florentine?
Mom, let's go back to the kitchen.
Hey, sorry about that.
My mom has dementia, which
makes everything so complicated.
See anything you like?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, if you have any questions,
I'll be around.
Actually in the back over
there, there's this wardrobe
that was handcrafted back
in the day, like, you know,
kind of like when the
civil war was. (Yells)
God, you saved my life.
Shut up.
I saved you from a
sprained ankle at worst.
Well, Stacy, let me make it up to you
by cutting your hair using
the antique scissors.
How about you take me
out to dinner instead?
[Stacy Voice Over] Oh,
what are you thinking?
This was just supposed to
be business, nothing more.
(dramatic orchestra music)
(clippers buzz)
(door rings)
This again.
Sir, if you would kindly
just turn around and leave,
I don't have time for any of your antics.
I believe you have
misshaved me for someone else.
All right, I'm closing up soon.
It'll have to be quick.
I apologize.
I have a habit of cutting it pretty close.
All right.
All right, Bill, you're all set.
[Bill] Thanks, Jack.
I'll see you soon.
(phone rings)
Mom, what's going on?
Mom, you're fine.
Just sit down and wait for dad.
(Rosemary screams and hangs up)
(eerie electronic music)
Mom, mom.
I'm so sorry, but you have to go.
I need to go.
I'm so sorry.
(Rosemary screams)
No, no.
No!
[Stranger] Here, get out.
[Jack] The fuck?
Damn, damn, that son
of a beard got away.
That thing was covered
and it took my mom away.
It was a were beard.
It took your mom away to
make itself a new host.
What are you talking about?
I'm part of a secret
organization called the Monastery
of Mustaches.
You're in a secret organization
but you carry a badge around?
That's not very secrety.
Oh, they sent me here
to investigate new were beard activity.
You keep saying were beard
like it's a thing.
What are you talking about?
It's easier if I just show you.
Follow me.
Oh geez, that's Terry, my mom's nurse.
Well, Terry's toast.
Come on, look here.
See these bite marks here?
Some might look at that and say, damn,
that bitch got bit by a vampire.
Well, I can tell you two things.
We're not in Los Angeles, and
this is were beard residue,
the hair from a were beard.
Their follicles infect people
and make them their hosts.
Wait, so those things
are going to infect my mom?
Oh, I wouldn't worry too much.
It can take weeks for a
were beard to infect a host.
They usually take them back to their lair,
but they left this one behind.
I don't know why.
What's happening?
(goop spurts)
What's that goop coming
out of Terry's neck?
Hmm, yes, I've never seen this before.
It's new.
I think my old foes have gotten an updo.
Stick with me kid, and I
think we can shave your mom.
I mean, save your mom
and probably the world.
I don't know.
This is all pretty insane.
I must be hallucinating.
Hallucinate this. (Slaps)
(chaotic jazz music)
I think I'm gonna call the cops.
I wouldn't do that.
In fact, definitely don't do that.
I'm ordering you not to do that.
Well, why not?
Cops couldn't shave a baby bald.
Okay, if you say so.
(phone beeps)
(door knocks)
(intense electronic music)
Did you call the cops?
You toothless comb.
I'll be in your car.
(door closes)
Good evening, sir.
I'm Officer Harrison.
I understand you're the one
who called about your mother
and your nurse being murdered.
Yes, it wasn't my nurse.
It was my mom's.
[Tech] Damn, look at those bite marks.
This is the sixth one this week.
[Tech 2] Man, where are
all these damn vampires
coming from?
We already got the jersey
devil up in this bitch.
Stay on your own damn coast.
[Tech] I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna be taking a wooden stake
wherever I go from now on.
[Tech 2] Hell yeah, you are.
Hello, sir?
Yeah, sorry.
I heard her struggle.
So I came as fast as I
can, and I saw a guy.
Well, I think it was a guy.
It was a guy in a suit, and
he dragged my mother away.
Gotcha, hey, Louis.
Got another vampire attack.
Guy in a suit dragged the mother away.
No, no, it wasn't like
a three fitted suit.
It was like a like a furry suit.
Like a furry.
No, like, what is that?
Oh, this?
I'm using that new hair growth gel.
Gotta get the volume back.
You understand, you're a barber.
I never mentioned I was a barber.
I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
Hey, wait.
(eerie electronic music)
Wait, so if you didn't
have your own vehicle,
how did you get to my
house right after me?
The Monastery of Mustaches
provides me with a web
of resources that I always
have at my disposal.
Pull forward a bit.
That's my room.
That smell is a weapon of my own design.
I call it nayr grenade.
Sorry, what?
A nayr grenade, pop
one of those suckers,
and you have an instantly
dissolved were beard.
Wouldn't it just become a werebald?
A were-what, a werebald?
You don't know the first thing
about were beards, do you?
Honestly, I didn't know they
existed until 20 minutes ago.
A were beard is completely
comprised of beard hair
and the flesh of its former host.
Dissolve the hair, all that's
left is a clump you can rinse
down your sink.
Why would they take my mom?
I don't know.
Neither of them seemed like
particularly good hosts.
[Radio] Calling all
units, we've got a report
of a code 1224.
Shit.
What's a code 1224?
That means they broke
in, trashed the place,
bit the inhabitants on the
neck and left the TV on.
In short, it was a were beard attack.
Come on.
We gotta get there before the cops do.
(sirens blare)
With this much fuzz around,
it's gonna be a close shave to get in.
We're going to need these.
Why do you just have two FBI jackets?
Who carries that shit around?
Just shut up and take the jacket.
Keep your mouth shut and
let me do the talking.
Okay, old man.
Nobody's gonna believe
you're an FBI agent.
Watch how a professional
gets things done.
I've been called in by HQ to take
over this botched fade
you call an investigation.
Yes, sir.
Go on inside.
Officer Jenkins is already
in there waiting for you.
See, I told you that'd work.
I don't know.
That guy seemed pretty familiar.
Nah, his beard was way too big!
Officer Jenkins, is that you?
(Jenkins burps and growls)
(intense orchestra music)
(thunder rolls)
(Jack groans)
What happened?
Where am I?
Hit your head pretty hard,
didn't you, peach fuzz.
I can tell you one thing.
This was no coincidence.
This was a setup.
Somebody knows we're onto them.
Onto them, what do you mean?
Damn it, kid.
Have you been sleeping
this whole damn time?
The goop, the rise of
the were beard attacks.
Something's going down.
Let's untangle this bitch.
(dramatic electronic music)
Good evening, Lieutenant Harry.
I've made some progress on
the case in upstate New York.
I'm sending you over a sample
of some green goop I've found
at two crime scenes now.
I've also taken a civilian under my wing.
I think he may be key
in solving this case.
Agent Hunter, my man, nicely done.
Use the guy.
We'll have the lab run the numbers,
and we'll send 'em to
you as soon as we can.
Don't worry about it.
I think I've come to
terms with this insanity,
but if I'm going to agree to
work with you any further,
I need to know everything.
It all started with the whisker wars.
(projector whirs)
[Narrator] There was
a time when the faces
of men knew no razor, for
they were bare to the world.
Then Beelzebeard arrived and
brought with him Beardgedon.
Man, woman, and child was
stricken with the itch
of facial hair.
From the darkness, seven barbers rose
and forged the scissors of Mustachia.
That's the only surviving
painting of the whisker wars.
I had to fill in the rest myself.
[Narrator] With the scissors,
they defeated Beelzebeard
in mortal combat.
They locked him away in a relic,
but strands of Beelzebeard remained.
Using a human host, it
formed the elder beard.
Since then, the elder beard
has scoured the earth in search
of the relic to free Beelzebeard
and be reunited with his master.
Listen, that was great,
but I have a lot going on tomorrow.
I have a thing tomorrow night,
and I still have to take over the shop.
What do you mean you have to go?
What could be more important
than putting an end
to this madness?
I have a date with an attractive woman.
You have a date?
When your mom could be slowly
turned into a were beard
as we speak, you have a date?
You said it could take a
while for the transformation
to be complete and the
results won't be back
for a couple days.
So what's the harm in
taking a few hours off
to grab some dinner?
Maybe I was wrong about you.
I thought you could be a
seamless moussed quiff,
but instead, you're just a basic buzz cut.
You know where to find me
when you come to your senses.
(groovy jazz music)
Hey, how's it going?
Better now that you're here.
Sorry, I had some some,
work has been busy lately.
Busy cutting lots of hair?
You could say that.
How's your shop coming along?
Great, actually, I
already sold the wardrobe
and almost sold the sword
I bought from you two.
Almost?
The guy wanted to know
if it worked on vampires.
What?
Yeah, I told him you
are wrong on two levels.
A, this is the east coast, right?
And B, read any book and you would know
that you can only kill
vampires with a wooden stake.
Then the guy just walked out.
What a weirdo.
Right?
Welcome to Cheeses Crust Pizza.
Specials so sinful, he died.
He's dead now.
He's gone.
So what can I get for you guys?
I'll just take a classic spaghetti
with tomato sauce on top.
Of course, for you?
I'll take one of those too.
Right.
So where are you from?
Connecticut, I really just
grew up there as a kid, though.
Spent most of my life in LA.
Then after getting my bachelor's
in business, I moved here.
Wow, Stacy seems like
you got it all figured out.
I wish I could get my life
straightened out like that.
Oh, don't sell yourself short.
You own your own business,
and you take care of your mom.
That's more than a lot
of people could say.
I appreciate that, but I don't know.
Ever since everyone has their
own razors and you know,
cell phones are now making
people bald at a younger age.
(Stacy laughs)
I don't know.
No one needs to go to the barber anymore.
Enjoy, I guess.
[Jack] Excuse me.
Oh.
Hair
Here, let me call the
waiter and get you a new dish.
No, no, no, no, don't.
Don't worry about it.
I don't wanna make a scene.
[Jack] You sure?
It's pretty gross.
Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
See, it's all gone.
No big deal.
Anyways, I was saying
my life's a wreck too.
After my husband died...
You had a husband?
Yeah, we were young and in love,
but then he took a business trip to Spain.
What was he doing in Spain?
It was for his job.
Every year, he would go to
the International Bowling Expo
in Spain.
You'd never think it,
but Spain is obsessed.
Anyways, there was a prototype
for a rocket-propelled bowling ball.
During the presentation...
It's okay, you don't have to.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine, I'm fine, it's fine.
The bowling ball's guidance
system malfunctioned,
and it struck my husband in
the head exploding everywhere
all over people.
It was a seven/10 split. (Cries)
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
You must think I'm totally bizarre.
Oh no, not at all.
Actually, I relate.
My father died when I was a young boy.
That's rough, buddy.
Here's your check, by the way.
Thanks.
Thank you.
(people scream in the distance)
Make yourself comfortable.
When we came in, what
was that screaming?
Kind of creeped me out.
Oh, that's where I
hide all of my victims.
(Stacy laughs menacingly)
Yeah, seriously, I think there's some sort
of horror movie night
in the community room.
So you were telling me
about your dad before?
Yeah, my dad disappeared.
He went down into the basement for a pack
of cigarettes and never came back.
I'm sorry.
And just yesterday,
you won't believe this,
but my mom was kidnapped,
and her nurse was murdered.
I don't know what to say.
I can't even imagine what that's like.
(bright rock music)
Just a humble guy
trying to cut some hair
And now there's monsters everywhere
But she made me forget about that
My husband died, then I joined a cult
That yielded unexpected results
But you made me forget about that
Let's live for tonight
Let's live for tonight
While we can
While we can
Because I'd like to get
Because I'd like to get
To know you more
To know you more
But if you mention vampires once
You'll be sleeping on the floor
I wanna hold her close
I can't let him know
Am I her kind guy
I can't keep up this lie
But there's something here
But there's something here
Between us that we can't deny
Between us that we can't deny
(cheery contemporary music)
(window breaks)
(monster growls)
(Stacy yelps)
Ow, would you stop hitting
me, you crazy bastard.
You're weak.
We gotta make you stronger
if you want to save your mom
and your girlfriend.
I'm gonna take you from
fauxhawk to mohawk.
Full plan, it was gonna work out.
(chaotic jazz music)
I almost knew.
What are you doing?
What is that?
What is it?
(monster growls)
What does that even mean?
What happened last night?
How did I end up here?
Hey, you're my new best friend.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Forget about it.
I got the results back from the
Monastery of Mustache's lab.
And what'd they say?
What's the scoop on the goop?
The goop, it's at the center of it all.
You know that local commercial
they've been selling beard
cream with?
Oh, that is a scam.
The lumberjack games right
around the corner sponsored
by Chris Anderson of the Miami Heat,
it's all about the beards, man.
Where people from all over
the tri-state area gather
to worship big, majestic,
beautiful beards,
magnificent displays of lumberjackery.
So you add all those things up.
What do you get?
What?
A massive were beard army.
The old factory, that's
where it's coming from.
[Hunter] Bingo, whatever
the beards are planning
is happening there.
Then let's stop wasting time.
I've got beards to shave.
(upbeat rock music)
The relic emanates light
Watch a portal open wide
There's cowlicks to comb out tonight
And they have no hair to hide
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
You know this is unnecessary.
You brought in a
stranger to have coitus.
Under the decree of the elder beard,
you are under house arrest.
So I'm under house arrest.
Does that mean we can leave the room?
It's chicken florentine for lunch today.
Yeah, actually, I could eat.
I can't help but admire what a wise
and crafty leader the elder beard is.
Oh, and what does the wise
and handsome leader plan
for us this time?
Well, you haven't heard this from me,
but do you know the barber
and his pesky friend,
the beard hunter, that duo
that had been such a pain
in the ass recently?
Yeah.
Well, I heard they're going to be going
to the warehouse tonight
to confront the creator
of the goop, and when they
do, we're going to swoop in
and reclaim what is ours and
then take out the barber.
(both chuckle menacingly)
[Stacy Voice Over]
Jack, I could convince him
to see our side and join
the cult and find his,
no, our destiny.
Then finally, all of this
bloodshed could come to an end.
(sultry rock music)
Do you really think the
elder beard is gonna be there?
I don't know.
I really hope not, not again.
Again, you've faced
the elder beard before?
Yeah, you could say I've faced him,
but my past is not gonna help us here.
You need to focus on the task at hand.
Do you know anything
about were beard society?
Seeing as how I just learned
what a were beard is two days
and 20 minutes ago.
The were beard hierarchy is
the stages of were beard growth.
It also marks their place
in were beard society.
All were beards start out as
a disgusting little hairball
that incubates until it turns into
what we call a face-hanger.
At that stage, it needs a host to mutate
into a fully grown
were beard or soldier beard.
After that, there's the elder beard.
There's only ever been one.
Jesus, how old is that thing then?
Thousands of years.
It was defeated once, but all
were beards can revert back
into a hairball to regenerate.
It's been around long enough
to have every contingency planned.
How do we kill something like that?
The scissors I mentioned before.
We corner him, make sure there's
no hosts around to infect,
and then we cut him into bits.
(lamp buzzes)
The magic in the scissors prevents him
from being able to regenerate.
So we better go get those scissors then.
You think I just have the scissors
of a Mustachia just lying around?
I don't think so.
If I did, this would've
been over a long time ago.
Goddamn it, would you
just tell me what's going on
between you and that Goddamn elder beard?
I get it.
You're a barber.
There's no head of hair you can't cut.
Well, this is one cowlick
you can't comb out.
The scissors have been
lost for hundreds of years.
The elder beard is unstoppable.
There's no winning this.
We're going to that factory,
and we're gonna put a stop
to whatever scheme he's
planning, and that's it.
So what, you and the were beards
have this Saturday morning
storyline going on until
there's no agents left?
Sorry to break this to you,
but that doesn't end well for you.
What am I supposed to do,
just quit, let them win?
I don't think so.
I'm going to that factory, and
I'm gonna do what I was put
on this hairy earth to
do, fight were beards.
I have to save my mom,
but then I'm done with
your ridiculous crusade.
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
(radio blares music)
(intimidating electronic music)
(door opens and shuts)
It's really fucking quiet.
Isn't that usually a bad thing?
No sign is a good sign.
(goop oozes)
What's going on here?
I don't know.
This can't be the were beards.
They may be soulless parasites,
but they're not monsters.
(monster growls)
Watch it, kid.
You're gonna poke somebody's eye out.
Get off your high horse,
you dollar store Van Hellsing.
(intense rock music)
(clippers buzz)
(monster growls)
(monster growls)
(Hunter grunts)
(monster growls)
(upbeat rock music)
(scientist claps)
That's not Chris
Anderson of the Miami Heat.
Congratulations, Hunter.
I didn't think you'd catch on so quickly,
much less find my hideout.
You wish to know who I am?
I'll tell you.
I am the new elder beard,
and I'll raise as the earth
with a new breed of
were beard, and together,
we'll conquer until nothing is left
but beautiful, beautiful beards,
and you two will be the first
to join my ranks. (Laughs)
(shirt tears)
(trash crumples)
(scientist groans)
(coughs) I'll tell you everything.
I was born with osteogenesis imperfect a.
I devoted my life to finding a cure
to osteogenesis imperfect a.
I met a woman.
Together, we searched for
cure, but instead, found love.
I was a bald, frail husk
when my love left me.
All I had left was rage.
(fire crackles)
I met the inventor of the
rocket-propelled bowling ball.
He introduced me to the beard cult,
and I learned of the werebeard's evil,
demonic, vile strength of hair.
[Stacy Voice Over] The
beard cult may be bad?
I knew what I had to do. (Coughs)
I sought the beard cult out
and discovered one of their compounds
at the Van Dyke mansion.
(scientist cries)
I needed that relic from the beard cult.
I stole it.
Fuck!
And used it to reverse-engineer
were beard (coughs)
DNA and created the hair growth formula.
Why did you need my mom?
Rosemary is your mother?
I needed her for...
(scientist chokes)
[Jack] Tell me!
Come on, kid.
We gotta get outta here.
It's getting hairier than a
hipster at an ayahuasca retreat.
What about my mom?
(dramatic orchestra music)
Come on, we gotta go.
Come on, come on, damn it.
(monster growls)
(Rosemary screams)
No, mom!
At least I could still get the relic.
No, the relic!
Jack!
Stacy?
(monster growls)
(Stacy screams)
Stacy, why, God, why?
(Hunter hits Jack)
(warehouse explodes)
Shit, they found your room.
- Fuck.
- Shit, shit, shit.
What do we do?
I don't know, kid.
We're running out of options here.
Well, just go to the barbershop.
(intense orchestra music)
(monster growls)
Fine, no, were beards are
gonna be all over that place.
Just do it.
Something's telling me
that we should go there.
Okay, kid, I'm trusting you.
(rhythmic jazz music)
Okay, it looks all clear.
Come on in.
Hey, what is this?
What's what?
This box.
That's an old set of
shaving tools I bought
at a pawn shop.
Some psycho broke my old ones.
Well, shave my balls.
Do you know what these are?
Antique barber tools?
No, you beautiful idiot.
These are the scissors from the story.
The scissors of Mustachia,
you found them.
(bright orchestra music)
(scissors electrocute Hunter)
They won't answer to me.
Grab them, grab them now.
Okay, okay.
(scissors buzz)
(intense electronic music)
(Jack gasps)
(scissors clatter)
Mustachia, the first were beard hunter,
those scissors belonged to them.
They're enchanted with an ancient magic.
It's the only thing that
can defeat the elder beard.
So what, I'm some sort of chosen one?
(laughs) Not with
those calves you aren't,
but you are the closest thing we've got.
Let's get 'em, peach fuzz.
(ominous electronic music)
(fan buzzes)
(chains rattle)
[Elder Beard] Rise and shines, Stacy.
Did you have a good nap?
Elder beard?
It's an honor to meet you,
oh, wise an handsome leader.
Do you find it an
honor to meet me truly?
Because your actions of
late have stirred discord
and discontent amongst the cult.
I never meant to do anything like that.
I only had the cult's
best interest at heart.
Then why did you bring the barber here?
Timing is everything, and
this was not the time.
I thought I could get close
to him to learn the location
of the scissors for you.
So you do not trust me?
You do not trust that I have a plan?
You think I am incapable of
outsmarting a dimwitted barber
and his lowly hunter friend?
Never, Elder Beard.
[Stacy Voice Over] I would never,
Some of our members have proven loyal
and have been rewarded with the mark.
Others are bestowed greater honors
like my newest host you see before you.
Others are given the mark,
not because they are loyal,
but because they can't
be trusted without it.
You will be given a chance
to prove yourself loyal
as a were beard.
I would be honored, Elder Beard.
[Stacy Voice Over] I'll
never be with Jack again.
Wait, why did I say that?
I should be honored to be given the mark.
Oh, my emotions.
(dramatic orchestra music)
(car pulls in)
Davey, it's just Davey.
Who the fuck is Davey?
He's my friend.
He could be in the beard cult.
Get down.
Would you calm down?
He gave me the scissors
in the first place.
[Davey] Oh, hey, I thought
I'd nab that free haircut.
Sorry, but right now
is not the best time.
Why, what's going on?
(monster growls)
(Davey whimpers)
Oh shit.
(scissors zap monster)
What the hell is that?
It's a were beard.
A were beard, I saw that on the news.
I knew it wasn't vampires.
I'm so smart.
I knew it, I knew it.
Let's go inside before
more of them come back.
What is this, a sword or something?
It's a long story.
[Stacy Voice Over] No, no,
no, no, no, this isn't right.
I can't become were beard.
I still need to find my path,
and this definitely isn't it.
You know, I've never really
been a fan of those things.
(Monster growls)
(blood spurts)
(intense rock music)
(Stacy spits)
Damn, how do I get outta here?
[Cult Member] Remember, students,
the face hanger embryonic
fluid is incredibly acidic
to everything but were beards.
So be mindful.
(cuffs clinks)
(fluid hisses)
(Stacy screams)
Well, that's all we've got.
My communicator's back at the motel room.
So no backup, and the rest of
the arsenal's there as well.
So we're pretty much screwed.
Yeah, I don't think we can
take on a whole were beard army
with just us three and
the scissors of Mustachia.
I think I might have a suggestion.
Well, spit it out.
Don't just sit there like a dull blade.
Well, the auction that I just came from,
I bought some landscaping equipment there.
You think that might be able to help us?
Now this, I can work with.
Do you think this is enough
to take out the elder beard?
[Hunter] The last time
I faced the elder beard,
I had a partner.
We were young but still far
more experienced than you two.
The monastery sent us on
what was supposed to be
just another routine mission,
clear out a known were beard den.
[Partner] How many times
have I got to tell you, kid.
That tactical gear is
too tight on your thighs.
It'll slow you down out there.
You got to stay nimble.
[Hunter] Hey, with a suit
this tight, there's not an inch
of premium, pasty white skin
a were beard can latch onto.
Besides you're just jealous.
I'm pulling it off.
[Partner] What you got there?
Don't tell me, another
one In your goofy gadgets.
Does this one at least work
better than the last one?
What was it, the...
[Hunter] It was the
beard trimmer nunchucks.
I still stand by the prototype.
I finally solved the battery issue
and adjusted the cord length.
So this time, they'll be
ready for use in the field.
[Partner] It can't be worse
than the first time, me?
I prefer to get up close
and personal. (Yells)
(sultry jazz music)
Let's hit 'em up and move them out.
Looks like HQ was right, kid.
Only a couple of small fries.
This should be an easy in and out.
[Hunter] I'm ready when you are.
(intense electronic music)
[Partner] Yeehaw, and
that's how it's done.
Like I said, kid, nothing
quite like getting up close
and personal.
(groans) It got me.
[Hunter] Oops.
[Partner] Help me!
(monster growls)
Was that the new thing?
[Hunter] Yeah, that was the
first and only nayr grenade.
[Partner] Those things
pack one hell of a punch.
Nice job, peach fuzz.
Let's get in there and wrap this thing up.
(ominous electronic music)
[Hunter] As we crawled
deeper into the den,
there in the shadows, our
greatest fear, the elder beard,
and he was infecting a new host.
My partner signaled us to
retreat, but it was too late.
We were surrounded by dozens
of were beards within seconds.
They beat us to a stubble,
and to make it worse,
they made me watch for days
as my partner was infected.
Some sort of sick joke.
[Partner] Hey there, peach fuzz.
How am I looking?
Don't tell me.
I'm overdue for a shave again, aren't I?
And they left me alive as a warning
to all other beard hunters.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Well, listen here.
My partner and I, we had style,
but we didn't have your guts,
we didn't have your grit,
and we definitely didn't have
your giant magical scissors
that can transform into a sword.
So I think we can do this.
How about you?
[Group] Yeah!
(upbeat hip hop music)
More carrots, don't tear it
More carrots, where's Garrett
Here I come from the west side
Left side
The right brain drives me insane
(radio blares music)
Hey, where are we going exactly?
The beard cult hideout.
Okay, and where is that exactly?
I have no idea.
Wait, didn't the scientist
say something about a mansion
or a manner?
Yeah, the Dick Van Dyke Museum.
Do you mean the Van Dyke manner?
Yep, that's it.
Well, shit, that's in the
complete opposite direction.
(tires squeal)
(tire hisses)
(hairball squeaks in the woods)
(yells) Help, this things attached to me.
(Jack beats hairball)
(hairball squeaks)
I think that's a hairball,
an early stage of were beard,
not strong on their own but
very dangerous in numbers.
How many numbers?
Beware the mark of the were beard
We gotta get outta here.
Hunter, got.
The whisker wars must end
- What about this tire?
[Jack] No time, drive now!
(truck starts)
Do you bare the mark of the were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
I can't see for shit.
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
Abandon ship, abandon ship.
(truck crashes)
We're gonna shave the day
(fire crackles)
I hope you guys are ready.
It's time to give these
monsters a shave they'll
never forget.
(dramatic electronic music)
Cheeses crust pizza
boxes, size 10 shoe prints,
faint musk of after shave, oh,
Jack and the beard
hunter must've been here,
but if they're going after the
cult, they'll never survive.
I have to help them, but
oh, I can't do anything
with this stump.
(machete chops)
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're eating with these people?
You're dressed like them too?
These people, they're our people.
The scientist, he held you hostage so.
Why do you think that is?
What use could a scientist
have with an old ailing woman?
When that wretched sack
of shit stole our relic,
he didn't know how to use it.
He needed me to harness its power
to control its abominations,
a disgrace to the elder beard.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
We really have you to thank, my son.
If it weren't for all of
your efforts to collect
so much hair, none of
this would be possible.
If you were collecting the hair,
what about beards for tots?
A ruse, a fake, a ploy
to get the hair I needed
for the summoning of the Beelzebeard.
Enough of this.
Where is the elder beard, you bitch.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
The elder beard is here among us,
but you will never get to him.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
I have one mission in my life,
and that is to find the
elder beard and destroy him.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
Jack, you take care of Beardgedon,
and I'll find the elder beard.
[Cultists] The elder beard.
Werebeards, get them!
(monster growls)
(dramatic rock music)
(singing in a foreign language)
(guys grunt)
Oh shit.
Jack, I always wanted to say...
Save it, man.
Don't speak, rest.
I feel a little weird.
You'll be okay, buddy.
I still owe you that haircut.
Forget it, Jack.
I was never a hairstylist. (Gargles)
No! (Cries)
[Cultists] Beelzebeard,
Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard,
Beelzebeard, Beelzebeard.
(Jack yells)
(portal opens)
(intense rock music)
(Beelzebeard garbles)
Get outta here, kid.
Go tell the Monastery
of Mustaches everything.
(magic whistles)
(Beelzebeard whines)
You just couldn't let it go, could you?
Mom, what's going on?
What is all this?
I'm so confused.
You know what they say, Jackie?
Mother knows best.
Now be the good boy I raised
and help your mother clean up this mess.
I'll deal with your friends.
Is this dementia or have
those lunatics brainwashed you?
I assure you I am quite
in the right frame of mind.
I must say this comes as a disappointment
that this is all a shock to you.
This was always in your
best interest despite
what your father thought.
Beelzebeard was meant
to be a gift for you,
the herald of the end days.
By the great beard of Merlin, woman.
You rabble on and on about
what, your whiny little son,
who's frankly a third rate barber at best?
Hey, elder bitch, leave my mom alone.
Sonny, you don't understand
the situation at all.
Your mother chose to be my host.
Of course, she planned to have
you carry that great honor,
but plans changed.
I wouldn't be the kind,
omnipotent, cult leader that I am
if I didn't take care of my people.
You're not the sharpest razor
in the shaving kit, are you?
Your mother's mind, I restore
her mind, and in trade,
she offered you to be the
harbinger of Beardgedon,
and now since you've fucked all that up,
I'm going to kick your scrawny ass.
This ends right now.
(dramatic choir music)
(Rosemary yells)
(Stacy yells)
(monster growls)
(Stacy grunts)
[Stacy Voice Over] Jack,
he was the chosen one,
but the cult accepts me for
who I am and provides lunches.
No, Stacy, your heart has already chosen.
For love!
(elder beard squeaks)
Hold still, hold still, kid.
I'm gonna get it off you.
Gonna get it off you.
Wow, that were beard
healing factor works fast.
Okay, I gotta go find my mom.
Mom, you okay?
[Rosemary] Oh, I forgot
where I hid the Christmas presents.
I forgive you, Mom.
(ominous electronic music)
(serene orchestra music)
(heart monitor beeps)
Stacy, where am I?
Sh, it's okay, rest.
You're in a hospital.
The Monastery of Mustaches headquarters.
Monastery of what?
You're safe now.
We all are thanks to you.
Do you remember our first date?
Of course I do.
Do you think we could do that again?
How does right now sound?
(door opens)
Let's see here.
Good morning, Mr. Razor.
Let me be the first to congratulate you.
It looks like you've fully
recovered from an acute case
of mark of the were beard.
Now for the bad news.
Looks like your minor
scrapes, your concussion,
your broken ribs, and your
karate-induced sciatica,
they've all returned.
What, did you say mark of the were beard?
Yeah, but don't worry.
It was a small infection, and
it actually cleaned itself out
just like a browser history
at a public library.
I don't think that's how that works.
So anyways, you're superhero-like
regenerative abilities
are gone.
So you're gonna need to rest up,
and you'll be back on
your feet in no time.
You know, I'm just gonna make this quick
before anyone else interrupts us.
(door opens)
Davey, I thought you died.
Hey, so did the were beards.
You know, I'm like a possum
playing dead to survive.
Anyway, I came in for that free haircut.
What, right now?
(clippers buzz)
(door closes)
There can't anyone else, right?
[Director] Cut.
(upbeat rock music)
(laughs) I like it.
Leave it in.
Leave it in.
That's a rap, that's a rap!
There is an ancient evil
A cult like never before
The elder beard will
grow out of every pore
Now faced with one decision
That determines our fate
Let them win or exterminate
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
This ain't no hipster trend
Do you bear the mark of were beard
The whisker wars must end
Do you bear the mark of were beard
Beardgedon is on the way
Do you bear the mark of the were beard
It's time to shave the day
(upbeat pop music)
Just a humble guy
trying to cut some hair
And now there's monsters everywhere
But you made me forget about that
My husband died then I joined the cult
That yielded unexpected results
But you made me forget about that
Let's live for tonight
Let's live for tonight
While we can
While we can
Because I'd like to get
Because I'd like to get
To know you more
To know you more
But if you mention vampires once
You'll be sleeping on the floor
I want to hold her close
I can't let him know
Am I that kind of guy
I can't keep up this lie
But there's something here
But there's something here
Between us that we can't deny
Between us that we can't deny