Marlon Wayans: Good Grief (2024) Movie Script
[soft music plays]
[woman on voicemail]
Yeah, baby boy, it's Mama.
Thank you for my beautiful flowers
and the card.
[man on voicemail]
Hey, baby boy, it's Pops.
Just reaching out to say I love you.
[Marlon's mom] Calling to check on you,
Marlon. Hope you're feeling better.
Don't play with this.
It's a very serious flu out here.
[man on voicemail] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Give me a call.
Let me know what your schedule's like.
Peace out.
[Marlon's mom] Hey, baby boy. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for that gift.
You've never missed a Mother's Day.
I'm sorry you're not going to be with me,
but I realize you have to work.
So I love, love, love you.
Thank you so much for the gift.
And also for the fact that you can love me
the way I need to be loved.
Love you. Thank you. Mama.
[man] Help me praise his name!
My guy, the one and only,
Mr. Marlon Wayans!
[crowd cheering]
[hip-hop music plays]
[crowd cheering]
What's up, New York City?
What the fuck is happening, Harlem?
[cheering]
All right, we in here.
Life is good.
Life is fucking good.
[cheering]
Life is good.
Please, enjoy every minute you can.
Please.
If I learned anything in my 51 years,
it's please enjoy this ride called life.
This shit is a really short ride.
[applause]
I want you to understand.
Don't put high expectations on people.
People are going to disappoint you.
So don't have high expectations of them.
Just know this.
Everyone is an asshole.
Everyone is an asshole.
You're an asshole.
Your girl's an asshole.
I'm an asshole. That's why I started
this show three hours late.
I'm a fucking dick.
[cheering, applause]
I just wanted to see how much
you motherfuckers love me.
[man] You fuckin' asshole!
Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.
They look all cute to you,
but they're fucking assholes.
Ask their teachers.
They're fucking assholes.
Your parents are old assholes.
But what you must do
is you must forgive them.
You have to trust that your parents did
the best they could with what they had.
[cheering]
And I say this from my heart.
Keep your heart light.
I just lost my dad five months ago.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah. But you know what?
He was a good dude, you know?
Don't feel bad.
You didn't kill him, liquor did.
But, you know,
I had a great time with my father, man.
Please, have a great time
with your parents.
I had a great time. I have no fucking
problems with my dad at all.
No beefs.
I got two little tiffs, you know?
Nothing... nothing big, nothing I would
talk to my therapist about, you know.
That's valuable time. I save that for...
to talk about these bitches.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughs]
Two beefs with my dad. One is...
You know, that nigga never wished me
a happy birthday.
Nah, but he Jehovah's Witness.
Them niggas are weird.
[laughs]
Y'all groan. "Ah, not those niggas."
You know, it's funny.
My dad was Jehovah's Witness.
My mother was like,
"Mm-mm, nigga. I'm Baptist.
I like Christmas." [laughs]
My mama hated the religion so much that,
nigga, there was days she didn't answer
the door for this nigga.
My daddy knocked.
My mom creeped to the door...
"Ah, shit, kids, get down."
"Who is it, Mama?" "It's your father.
He got them fucking books
and them people with him. Shh!
Keenan, hit the lights.
Damon, get your bald head over here.
There's a glare, nigga. Come here!
Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door.
Jehovah will witness me
beating the shit out you, nigga."
[audience laughing]
It's crazy. My father would never even
say the phrase "happy birthday."
Felt like if he said "happy birthday,"
he would instantly go to hell.
So he wouldn't say the phrase.
He'd call me on my birthday, he goes,
"Hey, son.
Happy Wednesday.
Happy Wednesday on the day
I accidentally bust
another nut inside your mama...
and made you."
And when I was little, you understand,
that shit used to hurt my feelings, man.
You know what I mean?
Your dad never wished you happy birthday.
Me and my brother, Shawn,
we'd be in our bedroom all mad.
Five and six years old,
be pacing back and forth and shit.
With them stupid birthday hats on,
you know them party hats.
[audience laughing]
And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama
in the room by her government name.
We'd be like, "Elvira! Come here!
Why you fuck this nigga?"
"Yeah. How come he pick
Jehovah's Witness as a religion?"
And my mama, funniest woman
you ever want to meet.
Straight out of Harlem.
Always kept it real.
She said, "Oh, niggas, do the math.
That broke motherfucker got ten kids
and one job.
He's trying to get out of buying
Christmas and birthday gifts, assholes!"
Oh, shit.
Nigga, that is a genius...
and diabolical plan."
I think Nick Cannon
should become Jehovah's Witness.
[cheering, applause]
Other beef I had with my father
is I feel like...
I feel like... I think
that nigga beat me too much.
Know what I mean?
Not saying I didn't deserve
a large majority of those ass whippings.
I probably deserved, you know,
I would say 87.3 percent
of those ass whippings.
That other 12.7 that my daddy
beat me for that I didn't deserve,
that nigga had to pay for that.
I waited.
Wait till the nigga got good and old.
And he started shitting himself.
Let him sit in that diaper
just a little while longer.
Not too long,
just two or three days, you know.
No, four is too long.
That's just cruel, you know.
I tried four and a turd, like,
hardened on his ass,
and I had to chisel it off.
Just chocolate chips all over the floor,
and I had to clean that shit up,
and the joke's on me, so...
But my point is,
I changed my father's diaper.
I changed my parents' diapers.
Don't say you love your parents,
and when they get old and they need you,
you throw their ass in the old folks home.
Don't do that. They didn't
throw you in a young folks home.
Take care of your parents.
It is a fucking privilege and an honor.
[cheering, applause]
And parents...
y'all be appreciative
if your kids actually do that for you.
Yeah, because my mama was funny.
My mama expected that shit.
She hit me with that,
"Well, it's only right.
I changed your diapers."
Bitch.
There is a difference between baby shit...
and 83-year-old Black people shit.
Let me tell you!
Baby shit is made from baby food.
You ever buy baby food,
you know what I mean?
Carrots and sweet potatoes,
those orange motherfuckers.
Come in that little Gerber jar.
You open the top. [clicks]
You feed it to the baby.
Three hours later, baby take a shit.
[blows raspberry]
Look inside the diaper.
It look just like sweet potatoes
you fed that nigga three hours ago.
You can actually take those
sweet potatoes out the Pamper...
and feed them right back to the baby.
[crowd laughing, groaning]
Yeah, it may have a twang, you know?
May have a little twang to it,
so, you know, maybe add some sugar
or, you know, maple syrup.
White people, agave and Stevia.
But 83-year-old Black people shit...
nigga!
It got pork, grits, cornbread,
collard greens, turnip greens,
fucking chitlins. Bitch.
You got shit in shit!
Like, if you got to change
your parents' diapers, look away.
Just change that motherfucker
like a blind man. Just...
And if you miss a spot,
who cares, ain't nobody going down there.
But, man, my mama used to
always talk shit about my daddy's dick.
I thought she was hating. She was always
talking about my father's dick.
"Yeah, your dick so ugly,
I could only fuck it in the dark.
Your dick so crooked,
I could hang my coat on it.
Your balls hang so low,
they look like click-clacks.
Nigga, I could play Cabanga!
with them bitches." Bap!
And I thought my mother was hating,
you know, because women,
y'all do that shit.
You talk about our dick,
then you fuck it. That's what's crazy.
My mother was talking shit
about my daddy.
I went to change my daddy diaper,
and I opened that shit up.
[makes whooshing sound]
And y'all,
these old balls just dropped out.
What the fuck! No! Ahh!
They were so long and droopy, like...
I didn't know how he would
scratch those motherfuckers.
He had to hacky-sack them balls up
in order to scratch them. [laughs]
And they had all these
sparse white hairs on it.
Just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.
Why was the fucking hair wet?
It looked like a mouse
ran through a fire
and the sprinklers came on.
And my mama wasn't lying when she said
that nigga dick was crooked.
Oh, shit. I ain't never seen
no shit like this.
It looked like it was hit by a car,
like... [screeches]
'Cause the shaft was bent this way.
And the nut was turned this way.
But the eye was looking over the shoulder
like this here.
It looked like something out
the music video "Thriller," like...
[humming, laughs]
Like, the neck was fucked up.
It looked like my dad's dick
was in an action movie.
Like John Wick snapped the neck
in my daddy's dick.
That nigga dick was so crooked, he need
one of them corrective braces on it.
You know, them shits they give you
when you have spine surgery?
And for a minute,
I questioned whether he was my father
because we had different dicks. Like...
No, 'cause my mama, God bless her soul,
she rounded... I had a pretty dick.
My mama, she made sure
it was rounded off.
I got that little...
You know what I'm saying?
She cut it right, you know
what I'm saying? I got the fade.
She faded my dick up.
My daddy, nigga,
he had all this extra skin.
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
What is that?!
My father's Puerto Rican!
What the fuck?"
And it wasn't just a little,
it was a lot of skin.
It was so much foreskin, I...
I could have started a beef jerky company.
But my point is,
I changed my daddy's diaper.
But, man, um...
Changing my mama's diaper...
That shit gave me anxiety. I'm not...
You know what I'm saying? Like...
I made a pact with God.
I did. I said, "Lord, strike me down."
[laughs] "Strike me down, or be kind
enough to rip the eyes out my head...
before I ever had to see
a 83-year-old pussy. Just..."
You know what I mean?
Like, I never been married
because I...
they say "till death do you part."
But I got to be honest,
at 70, bitch, I'm out. It's just...
You know what I mean?
Just the thought of it.
Like, you know, I just thought
a 83-year-old vagina, like,
that done seen some shit,
you know what I mean?
83 years of dick.
That's a lot of dick
haunting in that vagina.
Like, it's like an old,
grizzled war veteran, you know?
Just seen some shit.
It's all grizzly and gray and...
You know, and it's served several wars.
It served in Civil War.
It ripped down racist statues
and freed the slaves.
And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.
And... and it served two tours in Iraq.
And now that pussy is preparing for war
with Russia and China.
You know what I mean? Ten kids.
My mama, I thought them lips
were going to be all stretched out
like an old washing machine belt.
And I thought it would be like
a portal to a whole new universe.
Like, I could jump in that bitch
and be in the Spider-Man universe.
I just see different versions of me,
Little Man me and me in White Chicks.
And now I see me in Mo' Money
and I'm doing this to me.
You know... [laughs]
And I just thought the lips would go...
83, I thought the lips
were gonna be all big and stretched out
from the ten kids.
I thought them... them labias
would be flapping in the wind,
just like the American flag
flapping proudly on the 4th of July.
Or at the Super Bowl,
I just start singing...
Oh, say, can you see?
And then the Blue Angels fly by.
[makes whooshing sound]
And then I'll kneel,
me and Colin Kaepernick.
And I just thought it was going to be
swollen like, you know,
lips would look like Louis Armstrong
when he played the sax. Like...
[hums, mumbles]
What a wonderful world
The lips will be stretched out
and the hair would be coming out.
It would look like an old camel
chewing straw, like...
I thought my mom's vagina
was going to look like...
like Jay-Z when he's 92 years old.
[shouting, laughing]
And so when I went to change her diaper,
I opened the diaper up...
[makes whooshing sound]
And I peeked,
and I was like, "Oh, shit!
Okay, Vi.
With your brand-new baby pussy.
Somebody's been doing their Kegels.
Shawn, come here! Come look at this shit!
Who had ten kids?
Not out that pussy, we didn't.
That's a brand-new pussy, it should
have a price tag and a sensor on it.
You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
Oh, no."
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
[cheering, applause]
[cheering]
Yeah. I definitely feel
like my parents beat me too much.
[laughs]
And you're like, "Not after the way you
talked about your mom's vagina."
You stop judging me, unfold your arms.
Yeah, man.
I still feel like they beat me too much.
But, you know, it's funny. You know,
we always want to be victims in life.
Right?
Everybody always wants to be a victim.
"Oh, I had it the hardest.
You don't know my journey.
I had it the hardest."
Let me tell you something.
No matter how hard you may
have it in your lifetime,
there's always somebody that had it worse.
There's always somebody that had it worse.
I want you to be grateful
for whatever God gave you
in this journey,
you were supposed to have it.
[applause]
And I know
because there was niggas outside
and in my household that had it worse.
You know, I'm the baby.
So I had it actually the easiest.
You know why they had it worse?
Because they had my parents
when they were young.
They had a lot of energy.
When you young,
you could spank for days, just... bap!
Nigga, you try to run.
That nigga got legs, he run with you.
He gonna jump up, "I got you, nigga."
You wanna go down the stairs
under the bed...
[laughs]
When you older, nigga, you just like,
"All right, I'm... [sighs]
You go on, you know what I'm
gonna do to you when I catch you."
My parents,
when my brothers and sisters had 'em,
they were poor.
My parents was poor.
My daddy didn't have no teeth.
This nigga missing front teeth.
He was angry. Ladies, don't date a nigga
with a missing front tooth.
If you here with that nigga tonight,
we in Harlem,
there's a lot of these niggas out here.
That's the style in Harlem, nigga,
you missin' the front tooth.
Women be like, "Oh, he's sexy,
something about that front tooth missing
make me... make me moist inside."
You better leave that nigga.
Nigga missing his front tooth
ain't going to...
He going to beat you.
He gonna beat you.
And he threaten you
through that fucking missing tooth too.
He be like, "Bitch, say something.
[slurring] Say something!"
Then he smoke his Newport
through that missing tooth.
[exhales, laughs]
If he got a missing tooth
and an outie bellybutton,
oh, he beating you, the kids,
and your parents.
I had the easiest version of my parents.
Right? Because I had them after,
you know, my parents was older.
My brothers got money.
My brothers got money.
My brother Damon
bought my father some teeth.
This nigga would not stop smiling.
This nigga...
So my parents, they had disciplinarians.
By the time I came along,
man, I had old friends.
My mother and my father,
they was like my boys, you know.
We had fun, you know what I'm saying?
I used to fuck with my parents.
I was just... I was a troll.
I'd do funny shit, like,
have sex conversations with my parents,
especially because
they were much older than me.
So I used to see how square they were.
So I just asked my mama, said, "Ma, hey.
So when you and Dad, y'all do it,
y'all be doing doggystyle?"
My mother said, "What, nigga?"
I said, "You know, y'all do doggystyle?"
"Doggystyle! I ain't no fucking animal.
What you mean, doggystyle?"
"I mean, do you do it from the back?"
"From the back?
Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie!
You gonna turn me over and pump me
from the back like I'm in jail.
No, nigga, you better look at me.
I like to make love.
You look at me, nigga.
And you better not fucking blink.
Not the entire two minutes you do it."
[chuckling]
I'd be like, "So, Ma."
So I say, "Pop ever went down on you?"
My mother said, "Gone down where?"
I said, "You go down to,
you know, eat the groceries."
"The groceries?
This starting to sound nasty again.
My groceries in the kitchen
where they belongs."
"No, you ever go down and lick your..."
"Lick my cookie?
I'll kill that nigga,
he put his sour mouth on my vajayjay!
That's nasty. Especially all the shit
that come out there once a month.
You better not kiss me
or my grandbabies ever again!"
I say... [laughs]
This shit was amusing to me.
I'm like, "So, Ma.
So you ever go down on him?"
My mother said, "Nigga go on down where?"
I said, "You never gone down... [gags]
Gone down and sucked..."
"Suck... on that man's cling-clong?
I'll kill that nigga, he put that sour
piece of meat in my fucking mouth!
What kind of dog is that?
You gonna put that meat in my mouth,
I'll bite that nigga dick off and beat him
upside his motherfucking head."
I'll choke that nigga out.
All that skin he got? I'll choke him.
Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese."
[audience laughing]
I had a beautiful time with them.
I used to play with my parents,
and my brothers and sisters
couldn't understand it
because the relationship that they had.
And I remember one time
my brother Keenan and Damon
and all of them was home
from California, right?
And my dad, he was washing dishes.
And he had these sweatpants on,
but they had... the string was loose.
So, you know, I came up behind him.
I told my brothers, "Shh, shh."
I came behind this nigga,
and I pulled his pants down.
[makes whooshing noise]
And that old sour dick popped out.
And y'all, my brothers scattered
like old slaves that didn't know
they had they freedom.
They was like, "Oh, Lord!
Don't you beat him, Pappy, Lord!
Don't you beat him!
He don't know no good!
Pappy, he don't know no good,
he don't know no good!"
And my dad, he pulled his pants up.
He looked at me.
He said, "That was a good one, son.
I'll get you next time, nigga."
And my older siblings
didn't understand what they saw.
They had no idea that inside
of these disciplinarians
that was my parents,
lived this little silly boy
and this little silly girl.
And with your parents,
please experience all of them.
Not just the mask
that they have to wear to raise you,
but make them your friends.
It's the most important thing
you can do for your journey.
Make your parents your friends.
My father taught me the shorthand
of what a man was.
I remember when I was a little boy,
me and my brother Shawn,
we asked my dad, we said, "Dad.
What did you want to be when you grew up?"
My father looked at me. He said,
"I wanted to be a man."
I looked at Shawn like, "Somebody need
to help this nigga with his dreams.
You got some pretty basic aspirations,
if you ask me."
And, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like,
"Okay, well, what kind of man?
You wanna be a policeman?
You wanna be a fireman?
You wanna be a Batman,
a Spider-Man, a Superman?"
My dad said, "No, son,
I just wanted to be a man."
I said, "But, Dad,
every boy grows up to be a man."
He said, "No, son.
There's a lot of little boys
with mustaches out there."
I said, "Then Dad, what's a man?"
He said, "A man, he takes care of himself
and he takes care of his responsibilities.
- A man protects and provides."
- [applause]
"A man puts his woman
and his children before himself.
They are first.
A man is the first one up.
He's the first one to work.
He's the last one home.
And damn it, he's the last one to eat.
That's a man."
[applause]
And my father told me this.
He only had six teeth in his mouth.
I swear to you...
It would take this nigga about three years
to eat a bag of sunflower seeds,
just... [laughs]
Trying to find the right tooth combination
to crack them bitches on there.
And y'all like, "Why? What the fuck?
Why did Mr. Wayans have six teeth
in his mouth?"
Well, either my father went to the dentist
and he fixed his smile,
or he prioritized,
or what I call sacrificed,
and he fed his woman, and his children,
and his grandchildren
three square meals a day.
[applause, cheering]
My father, Howell Wayans, was a man.
[applause, cheering]
And ever since that day,
I too wanted to be a man.
Just a really rich man,
because I'll be goddamned!
If I have a snaggly ass tooth smile
like this nigga...
My mother used to call him
a "Blackalantern." [laughs]
We ask her for money
for a pumpkin on Halloween,
"Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?"
"You don't need no fucking pumpkin.
Put a candle in your father's mouth
and sit that nigga on the porch."
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents.
Enjoy your loved ones
as long as you can live and breathe,
please, do the best you can to get
as much out of life as you can.
[cheering, applause]
Because I'm gonna keep it real.
I can give you my wisdom at 50.
Let me tell y'all something.
This shit called life, it gets dark!
And anybody in here who's older than 50
know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Let me tell you something.
I lost 57 people that I loved
in the last three years.
- But I still say God is good.
- [cheering]
- God is good.
- [applause]
Because I look at the bright side.
No matter how dark shit is,
there's always a bright side, right?
I lost 57 people I love and I'm grateful.
You know why?
Because one of those niggas
could have been me.
And I'm really happy...
that God picked those other niggas
instead. You know?
I don't question Jehovah.
The Lord knows what he's doing.
Y'all gotta think about this. There's
a new celebrity dying every other day.
Like, yo, these are my peers.
And I'm like, "Wow!
God is making some really solid choices."
[laughs]
I mean, real talk.
Like, let's think about this.
Like, me...
[crowd shouting]
...or Coolio. It was Coolio's time to go.
Bye, Coolio. It was his time to go.
That nigga looked dead when he was alive.
Come on, y'all.
He only had two braids left.
It was his time.
Honestly, I thought crack killed
that nigga in the '80s.
Him and Flavor Flav.
- Is Flavor Flav still alive?
- [crowd shouting]
Well, that nigga looked dead
last time I seen him.
[laughs]
Flav one of them niggas
that you thought been dead.
When he die, ain't gonna be no hash tag,
"Gone too soon."
It'll be hashtag:
"Mm, about time, nigga. About time."
[laughs]
No, but you know, like, the whole theory,
like, "Why him?"
I feel like sometimes I wish I could
replace one death with another death.
You know what I mean? It was like...
I started thinking, "Why him?"
when Kobe died.
When Kobe died, it fucked me up.
That really hurt, man.
I was like, "Come on, God."
- [crowd shouting]
- Right?
Like, don't take the greatest Laker.
- Take Derek Fisher.
- [crowd groans]
Oh, he's out here fucking
on people's wives. It's adultery.
It's a goddamn sin,
don't you "aww" me, niggas.
Your wife may be next.
She may have a thing for short niggas
with three-point shots.
I can't believe y'all niggas
"aww'd" me on that shit.
Oh, y'all sensitive out here in Harlem.
Oh, y'all got gentrified on me, nigga?
[audience laughing]
Ever since they put a Starbucks on 125th,
you niggas done changed.
[laughs]
Yeah, y'all really ain't gonna
like this next one. So I'm just gonna...
I'ma sip my water while you niggas
complain and "ooh."
Don't take Kobe.
- Take Shaq.
- [crowd exclaims]
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I know, I know. I love the big fella too.
I love the big fella too.
But y'all in denial.
That nigga ain't got long to live.
Come on.
He ain't got long to live.
That nigga has at least three or four
diseases killing Black men
in their early 50s.
Hypertension, diabetes,
swollen prostate, the sugars.
Yeah, that nigga had the sugars.
I know what the fuck
the sugars look like.
I got three uncles with the sugars.
Y'all better give him his flowers.
Tweet that nigga after the show.
Hit him on Threads.
I hug him real hard.
Every time I see Shaq,
I just grab him by his ankle,
"Come here, big fella."
I don't care how big his heart is.
It is not big enough to pump blood
through all that nigga.
Dinosaurs don't live long, people.
Look at his eyes. When Shaq wake up,
nigga all loose-eyed.
All of a sudden, you wake up at 50
years old, nigga, and your eye is loose,
you probably born with this shit, nigga.
You wake up at 50 and your eye is loose,
you better call a physician.
His tongue is heavy.
I haven't understood a word Shaq said
in the last five years.
He just be mumbling. Watch TNT.
This nigga just be mumbling
with his raspy voice.
Every now and then,
you get the clear name of a player
or the clear name of a sponsor.
But other than that, you don't know what
the fuck this nigga's talking about.
He be on that show talking about...
[mumbles]
[mumbles]
[mumbles]
Kobe. [mumbles]
Icy Hot. [mumbles]
Charles. [mumbles]
Nutragenics. [mumbles]
Papa John's Pizza.
Big dude...
Nigga, closed caption be like, "I don't
know what he fuck this nigga said."
I can't believe you niggas
"aww'd" me on Shaq. Oh, man!
I had a darker joke.
But I'm not going to tell you.
[cheering]
All right, fuck it, nigga,
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck!
[cheering, applause]
All right. So the whole "Why him?" theory,
right, like with death, if you could
pick this person versus that person.
This whole "Why him?" theory.
It started for me when Kobe died.
When Kobe died, like I said,
I was fucked up because I knew Kobe.
You know what I mean? Kobe was a friend.
When he died, I was like,
"Come on, God, don't take Kobe.
Take Magic. He has AIDS."
[cheering, groaning]
He got AIDS!
Why take healthy Kobe
when Magic got AIDS?
You want a Laker?
Take the nigga with AIDS.
I know. Listen, I cried in 1984.
This nigga should have been dead by '85.
2023, Magic Johnson
is still the fuck alive,
and dare I say well, with AIDS,
and Kobe's dead?
Come on, man!
Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter
and crash that shit
into the side of a mountain.
How long is Magic Johnson
gonna live with AIDS?
Can we talk about it?
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.
I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
Why is this nigga still alive?
Fifty years of AIDS!
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
Magic has had AIDS longer
than that nigga has not had AIDS.
And this nigga just skipping through,
like, somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.
He just skipping through life,
all happy and shit with AIDS.
Nigga, if you don't sit your ass
in the house...
He's still happily married.
Happily married to Cookie,
happily married with AIDS.
Bitch, if you don't leave
this nigga already...
He got AIDS.
It's irreconcilable differences, boo.
She all in pictures cuddled up and shit.
We know he's still fucking her raw.
She ain't got this shit.
He got this gay-ass son.
That's double AIDS.
He ain't got this shit.
[crowd cheering, groaning]
Oh, come on. Don't act like Magic's son
ain't a badass bitch.
Nigga, that nigga's thicc with two "C's."
Nigga, he caught me, I did a double take.
Nigga had some Daisy Dukes on.
I said, "Oh... oh, that's a nigga! Fuck!
Nigga!"
I'm sorry, what kind of AIDS you get
where you get more rich
and more handsome?
Magic Johnson has never
been more successful
than he is right now with AIDS.
What the fuck?
He owns part of the Lakers,
part of the Dodgers,
the man just bought a football team.
He's in Forbes as a billionaire.
All this with AIDS.
What kind of AIDS is this?
Financial aids?
[audience laughing]
I want those AIDS.
I want those AIDS!
Sign me the fuck up!
Yeah, I don't want them Freddie Mercurys
or them Eazy-Es.
You keep them skinny nigga AIDS.
But them Magic Johnson rich nigga AIDS?
You show me the monkey he fucked.
I got next.
You know, I know what I've been saying
is a little dark, right?
My humor has gotten darker
because my life has gotten darker.
Everything was all fun and games.
And then I've been dodging depression
for the last three years.
I lost my mama three years ago.
And let me tell y'all something.
Ain't no pain,
nothing like losing your mama.
Like, I'm serious.
Like, I loved my daddy.
But if I had to choose... mm!
Bye, Howell!
Bye, nigga, happy Wednesday, Howell!
Happy fucking Wednesday!
Give my love to Coolio, huh?
Nothing like losing your mama, man.
I'm telling you right now,
life gets real when you lose your mama.
And if anybody in here lost they mama,
my condolences.
My condolences.
I don't care if it was last week,
two weeks ago,
three months ago, last year,
five years ago, 25 years ago,
it doesn't matter.
That is a pain that never goes away.
So to all you people that lost your mama,
we are part of an elite group,
we are a motherfucking gang.
The Dead Mama Gang. Gang, gang!
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!
You still got your mama?
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mama.
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga!
Aww! Bitch-ass nigga got his mommy!
You be having
Mother's Day brunches, nigga?
Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
getting milk in your beard, nigga.
[sucking]
I ain't shit, I set that nigga up.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
I'm just jealous.
Do me a favor. You be good to her.
You be good to her. As long
as you got her, you be good to her.
[cheering, applause]
Love my mama. If it wasn't for my mama,
I would have never had Christmas.
Yeah. You know why?
This nigga, Howell!
The Grinch that stole a witness.
This man didn't believe
in fucking birthdays or Christmas.
What kind of evil cult
are you a part of, nigga?
Every Christmas,
my father wouldn't participate.
This nigga would lock the door
to his bedroom. [makes thumping sound]
Lock my mom and all the kids
outside of his room.
And my mama, she's the sweetest woman
you ever wanted to meet.
Very articulate, well-spoken,
college educated.
But, man, when she was mad,
the shit that she would say,
the curse words that would come out
this woman's mouth.
We used to call her Richard Pryor
with titties. The shit...
She was funny.
It didn't even make no sense sometimes.
"Open the door, you pussy bitch."
"A pussy bitch? Shawn,
can you be both a pussy and a bitch?"
"I guess so." "I know you hear me
in there, you nipple-dick nigga."
"A nipple-dick nigga?
How small is Father's dick that Mother
would compare it to a nipple?"
"I know you hear me in there,
faggot balls."
[laughs] "Faggot balls?"
Every Christmas,
my father would lock his door.
[imitates door closing]
And my mother,
what I loved about my mother,
let me tell you something about women.
Men, we make the rules,
but when women break your rules,
it's because they know
what they kids need.
My mother knew her children.
My father knew we needed God,
and we did.
But my mama knew we needed love.
So she thwarted the greatest authority
in my household, which was my father,
and she fought for us like,
"Nah, nigga. We still gonna celebrate.
Ya ho, ho, ho.
Come on, kids." And my mama
go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We were so poor,
we didn't have a stand for the tree.
So she just leaned that shit
on the wall like a junkie.
And I don't know where she got the money.
Know what I mean? Like, I don't know
if she was slinging dope or slinging ass.
[laughs]
But it's magical the way that mothers
find the money to get their kids gifts.
My mother always found money
to get us gifts.
[applause]
And she'd get one gift per kid.
There'd be 218 gifts
underneath the Wayans' tree.
Only Nick Cannon's tree
would have more gifts.
And my dad would have his door locked,
and my mama,
straight out of New York,
she was a fucking troll.
She was a troll.
My mama had this theory.
She said she always had the last laugh.
My dad think he having
a nice quiet evening off.
My mother go, "Come on, babies."
"Where we goin', Mama?"
"Oh, we going Christmas caroling.
Come on."
And she would line us up,
all ten of us,
right outside that nigga's locked door.
Like a gospel choir. [laughs]
We went from the Wayans family
to the Winans Family.
She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
[makes tone sound]
Then she'd make us sing
real loud Christmas carols
right to that nigga's door.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
"Louder, niggas!"
Fa, la, la, la, la
"Hit the high note, Shawn."
[high-pitched singing]
And the woman was funny.
This woman was hilar...
She used to the rewrite
the Christmas carols.
My mother used to rewrite
the Christmas carols,
and the first half be dedicated
to Christmas joy. Oh, it'd be so sweet.
And the other half be dedicated
to my father.
It'd be like, "Fuck you, nigga."
She be like...
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
"Nothing because he's a broke-ass cheap
Jehovah Witness-ass nigga
with a little nipple dick
and faggoty balls.
Here's another Jehovah Witness
Christmas carol. You ready, kids?
We [drawing out note]
Wish you a happy Wednesday
We wish you a happy Wednesday
We wish you a happy Wednesday
'Cause your daddy ain't shit
People ask,
what made your family so successful?
My father, his presence in our life,
his introduction to God,
his commitment to Jehovah.
But the secret ingredient
was my mother's love.
- [applause]
- Those fucking Christmases, man.
They made us feel special.
When we opened those gifts,
those wasn't gifts we was opening.
Those were little boxes of hope.
[applause]
And we opened those gifts.
And I knew it was my mother
that gave us those gifts.
I knew it.
'Cause women, y'all funny. [laughs]
Y'all don't let Santa Claus
take the credit for your gifts. [laughs]
Y'all will cross that nigga name off
every fucking name tag.
"From Santa, my Black ass, shit.
Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.
Love Mama."
And my mother was smart to do that.
Because you know what?
One day when we made money,
every Christmas we hooked my mama up.
We bought my mom a house,
we bought my mom a car,
we bought my mother clothes,
we bought my mother furs,
we bought my mother fucking jewelry,
we bought my mother furniture.
Yes, furniture,
with all the plastic slip covers
a Black woman from Harlem
could ever dream up.
And my daddy,
we didn't get that nigga shit!
Nah, 'cause Christmas time,
we make some money,
all of a sudden at Christmas time...
[makes screeching sound]
This nigga's door is wide open.
And he's sitting there
with them begging-ass eyes,
you know, them poverty eyes.
Them "feel sorry for me nigga" eyes.
We looked that nigga right
in his face, go, "Hey.
Happy Wednesday, nigga."
My parents was different.
They lived different.
They died different.
My father wanted to die.
He wanted to die. He gave up on life.
And here's what happened.
My mother preceded my father in death.
My dad came to the funeral.
He seen the woman he loved
since he was 13 years old.
The woman he fell in love with
right here in Harlem in a casket.
And my father saw my mother.
He turned white.
And this nigga just threw up.
[gagging]
Like, not once, several times. [gagging]
At a point,
it got real funny to us Wayans.
[laughing]
My brother Damon was like,
"Look at his back. Look at his back.
He looks like a ghetto question mark."
[gags, laughs]
And after that, we begged my father
to stay in LA and let us take care of him.
My father was like,
"No, I've gotta go. I gotta go."
He came back to New York.
My father locked himself in the house,
and he sat there in a chair.
He stopped going out.
My father stopped doing his ministry.
Let me tell y'all something
about Jehovah Witnesses.
They live to get those doors
slammed in their face.
It makes them powerful.
[laughs] "Another one!"
He stopped doing his ministry.
He sat in his chair watching NY1,
the 24-minute loop,
he just watched that shit over and over.
He had two bottles of vodka,
a bottle of wine he would drink.
And he sat there
until his body deconditioned.
And my dad would sit in his chair
and he'd just go,
- "I miss my gal."
- [audience] Aww...
"I miss my gal.
I miss her odor." [mutters]
"Odor? [laughs]
Fuck you mean, her odor, nigga?
You mean the smell of old wigs
and fish sticks?"
But what my father meant was...
her odor, he meant her pheromones.
When you love somebody, they could
be stink as fuck to everybody in here.
"What the fuck is that smell?"
But to that one person that love you,
she's like,
"That's my little stinky boo."
He missed his person.
My father sat in his chair
and he drank himself to death. Literally.
We watched him suffer for three years
until finally he passed.
And when he passed,
we buried him right next to my mama
so she could curse that nigga out
for the rest of eternity.
And we was at the funeral,
and all of us Wayans was thinking like,
"Damn." After watching my father suffer
like that, we was like, "Fuck.
[sighs]
My mama must have had
some spectacular pussy because...
[laughs] this nigga chased
that pussy to the grave."
I saw it, it was tight.
I see what he doing. Know what I mean?
[laughs]
My mother was different.
My mother loved life.
Nobody loved life as much
as Elvira Wayans loved life.
This woman,
she would talk your fucking ear off.
This woman loved life.
She fought death. Literally.
What did my mother die of?
She died of "err-thang."
It took "err-thang" to kill this woman.
She wasn't going down. I remember,
I was at my mother's deathbed,
and I watched this woman fight death.
She was fighting death. "Mm-mm, death.
Mm-mm. Fuck off me.
Mm-mm.
Leave me alone.
Go get faggot balls first."
[audience laughing]
And I remember
because I remember the exact day.
And I remember the exact time.
I went to the hospital.
It was Saturday,
June 19th...
of 2020.
And it was 11:56 p.m.
And I seen my mother fighting death.
I thought my mother was fighting death
because she just want to see her baby
one last time.
Later on I found out that wasn't it.
This woman was a fucking troll
all the way down to the end.
But I'll tell you, I'll tell you later.
My mother's fighting death.
And if you ever see somebody
like your mama in that kind of pain,
it is selfish of you
to try to keep them here.
This body we are all in,
well, one day it expires.
And when God calls you home,
let that soul go.
Because the reality is
for you to stay in that body is painful,
and you, as the loved one,
you have to learn to let go,
make them feel comfortable
and okay to leave.
- [applause]
- So I came the hospital,
my mama fighting death. "Mm-mm."
I said, "Mama, stop it. Stop fighting."
And I smacked her on her ass.
I did. And she had one of
them hospital gowns, you know,
hospital gowns with the ass crack out.
How you like them VIP seats, nigga?
[laughs]
And my mother was fighting.
I said, "Mama." Pssht!
I said, "Girl, you did it.
You did the damn thing.
83 years, Mama.
- 83 years.
- [applause]
Woman, you had diabetes since you was 33.
Mama, that is 50 years of diabetes."
I said, "Woman,
you are the Magic Johnson...
[audience laughing]
...of diabetes." [laughs]
I said, "Mama, let's...
let's run the numbers.
You a GOAT, Mama, you a legend."
I said, "You had ten kids.
You got 10,833 grandchildren.
You made five millionaires.
- You made five millionaires."
- [cheering, applause]
Six, if I could just get my shit together.
[laughs]
I said, "You made five comedic legends.
You made five legends.
Six, if I could just...
I don't get canceled for this
Magic Johnson AIDS joke I keep saying."
[laughs]
I said, "Mama, you did all this
and you only made one crackhead."
I said, "Woman,
your crackhead to millionaire ratio
was unparalleled for a Black woman
in America."
I said, "Mama, you are a GOAT.
You are the GOAT of all mothers.
You are the GOAT of all vagina."
Then I got carried away.
I said, "Mama, ain't no pussy
fucking with your pussy, Mama!"
[laughs]
And y'all like, "Did y'all really say
that shit to your...
Did you say that to your mama?
At her deathbed?"
You damn fucking right I did.
Let me tell you why.
I'm gonna gift y'all something
that my mama gifted me with.
My mama told me as a little boy,
she said, "Baby boy,
you learn to laugh in your worst moments,
and you gonna smile
the rest of your days."
Losing my mother was my worst moment.
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
[cheering, applause]
- [audience shouting]
- I love you all too.
Losing my mama was my worst moment.
And in my moment, I honored my mother
for what she taught me.
Because I wanted her to know that...
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
I let her know I was broken,
but I was going to be okay.
I let her know that I will smile again.
And it's okay for you to go.
That's why I cracked that joke
because she laughed,
and I talked to her in Wayans language
and she knew what the fuck I meant.
And so she stopped fighting,
and she allowed herself to go
and she started to transition.
And as she transitioned,
I seen the doctor
started turning up that morphine, right?
And she started scratching and shit.
I said, "Is it good, Mama?"
She said, "Yeah, Daddy, it's...
It's is gooder than a motherfucker, baby.
Tell the doctor, turn that shit up.
Give me some more, please, man.
I got these cheeseburgers!"
[laughter, applause]
Call your mama every day.
Call your mama every day.
Every fucking day you can.
If she's here, you call her.
You ain't got to call your daddy
every day.
No, call that nigga once a month.
He good. [laughs]
You call your daddy more
than once a month, he gonna be like,
"Yeah, I'm fine, nigga. Call your mama."
I learned, you ain't gotta
talk the whole fucking time.
You ain't gotta talk the whole time.
Just put the phone down.
Every seven minutes, just come back
to the phone and say this shit.
Be like, "Uh-huh.
Yeah, I know that bitch ain't shit, Mama."
Call your mama.
Let me tell you something,
call her every day.
Because if you don't,
the scariest moment of your life
is going to be the day you go
to call your mama...
and she ain't on the other line.
So call your mama.
Because when she's gone, at least
you'll have that voice in your head.
I called my mama so much,
I hear her more now in her death
than I ever heard her when she was alive.
This bitch won't leave me the fuck alone!
My mama's everywhere. She's right there.
She don't like sitting next to people.
"Uh-uh, save me two seats."
My mama's omnipresent.
I hear her everywhere.
I'll be in the worst situations, y'all.
And I hear my mama like, "Mm-mm, son.
Don't put your dick in there."
Why? Why do I hear my mama so much?
Because I called her.
Call your mama.
My mother, I called my mama so much...
She loved two things.
My mother loved her kids
and she loved the telephone.
I don't know which one she loved more.
My mother didn't have an iPhone.
She was like, "I don't play
with that fucking radiation."
So my mother had a rotary phone
with a long-ass wire,
wire longer than my daddy's balls,
just miles long.
And my mother's finger
was stuck like this.
Literally stuck like this
because she had carpal tunnel.
Because all she'd do
is sit by the phone and call each kid.
[dialing sound]
Call each nigga back to back to back
to back to back to back to back to back.
And then she tell you
the last conversation
she had with the last nigga before you.
It was like a terrible game of Telephone.
And then you go to hang up the phone.
She's one of these people,
you go to say goodbye, nigga ignore you,
start a brand new conversation.
I called my mama. [imitates ring]
"Hey, Mama."
"Hey, baby boy. How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Where you at now, sky king? You always
flying around making people laugh.
Where you at now, son?"
"Oh, I'm in New York City."
"Oh, yeah, make sure you wear a jacket.
It can get cold as fuck at night there.
Yeah, it gets so cold,
even the white people be ashy.
So, son, when you coming home?"
"I'm coming home on Monday because I have
a date with the most beautiful woman."
"Oh. Well, who's the lucky gal?"
I said, "You are." "Oh, boy.
If your father would
have talked like that,
I would have fucked that nigga
more than ten times.
So where are we gonna go, son? Huh?
I want some of that wag-u-yu.
Can we get some steak?" [laughs]
"It's called wagyu, Ma."
"I don't know how
the fuck you pronounce it,
but I know that shit
is 270-something dollars a steak.
Now, you sure you don't want
to call Keenan and Damon
to help you with this bill?
[audience laughing]
You know your Discovery card
be acting up some times, son."
"No, Mama, I'll handle it." "All right.
Well, can I have some dessert?"
"Yes, but only a little bit."
"Why, because of my diabetes?"
"No, Mama.
Because you're already so sweet."
- "Oh..."
- [audience] Aww...
"Boy, you must get you a lot of pussy.
This nigga got lines like a pimp.
You go on, mac daddy.
All right, baby boy.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."
"All right, Mama. I love you."
"And I love, love, love,
love, love, love you too."
"All right, Mama. Bye."
"All right. Bye now.
Yeah. So I talked to Keenan." "Bitch!"
People ask, who's the funniest one
in the Wayans family?
[audience shouting]
I digress.
The funniest person
in the Wayans family is my mama.
My mama.
Elvira Alethia Green Wayans Sr.
is the funniest woman I ever met.
So funny that, yes, there is a junior
that exists with that slave name.
My mother was brilliant.
My mother never did standup comedy,
but she was naturally a gifted comedian.
Her life was one great standup comedy set.
Her life. Here's why.
A great comedian can come on a stage,
and they can make you laugh
with the shit that hurts them the most.
They're taking their pain.
These people are dying inside,
and they're making you laugh.
And that laughter is healing for us.
And that's called having the last laugh.
[applause]
My mother did that with her life.
The thing that hurt my mama most
was my father's religion.
Not because he was a man of God,
but because she was God fearing too.
But my mother was a romantic.
My mother loved holidays. Why?
Because she loved
to celebrate those that she loved.
And damn it,
she just wanted to be celebrated.
But my father's religion
prevented her from doing that.
She was heartbroken.
Every fucking holiday,
she would cry herself to sleep.
Now, my father, being a man of God,
being Jehovah's Witness,
he would not celebrate any holiday.
So one day, it was Father's Day.
My brother Keenan
came home from California.
He had made some money.
He said, "We're going to celebrate Pop
this Father's Day."
We was like,
"This nigga don't celebrate Father's Day."
He's like, "We're not gonna
call it Father's Day.
We're going to call it Happy Wednesday.
We're gonna buy him some gifts,
gonna write him some cards."
So we bought him some gifts,
we wrote him some cards.
My father opened the gifts.
He opens the cards.
And my dad started crying
because he couldn't believe the sentiments
that he heard from his children.
This nigga went his whole life
with never hearing,
"I love you, Dad. Thank you, Dad.
What a wonderful father you are."
So he read these things and he cried.
And from that day on, my father made it
a tradition to celebrate Father's Day.
[audience laughing]
Now...
this pissed my mama off even more!
My mother said, "Nigga, Father's Day?
Not my birthday?
You nipple-dick nigga!
Not my anniversary? Faggot balls!
You gonna celebrate Father's Day?"
Now, knowing my mother,
the brilliant comedian that she is,
what day do you think my mama died?
- [audience] Father's Day.
- Father's Day!
That's why she was trying to stay alive
at 11:56 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th.
"Mm-mm, mm-mm!"
Four minutes later
it was going to be Father's Day.
She wanted to take that nigga's
only fucking holiday from him!
She said, "Happy Wednesday, motherfucker!"
- [cheering, applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, New York. Thank you, Harlem.
[cheering]
- [voicemail beeps]
- [Marlon's mom] Good morning, baby boy.
Just calling to find out whose ass
are you kicking today.
[laughs] Thought that was a good one.
I love you.
Call me when you get a chance.
This is my darling
Oh my honey
He's my darling and my honey pie
He's my darling
Honey, baby
I could love him 'til I die
[smacks kiss]
[soft music plays]
[woman on voicemail]
Yeah, baby boy, it's Mama.
Thank you for my beautiful flowers
and the card.
[man on voicemail]
Hey, baby boy, it's Pops.
Just reaching out to say I love you.
[Marlon's mom] Calling to check on you,
Marlon. Hope you're feeling better.
Don't play with this.
It's a very serious flu out here.
[man on voicemail] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Give me a call.
Let me know what your schedule's like.
Peace out.
[Marlon's mom] Hey, baby boy. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for that gift.
You've never missed a Mother's Day.
I'm sorry you're not going to be with me,
but I realize you have to work.
So I love, love, love you.
Thank you so much for the gift.
And also for the fact that you can love me
the way I need to be loved.
Love you. Thank you. Mama.
[man] Help me praise his name!
My guy, the one and only,
Mr. Marlon Wayans!
[crowd cheering]
[hip-hop music plays]
[crowd cheering]
What's up, New York City?
What the fuck is happening, Harlem?
[cheering]
All right, we in here.
Life is good.
Life is fucking good.
[cheering]
Life is good.
Please, enjoy every minute you can.
Please.
If I learned anything in my 51 years,
it's please enjoy this ride called life.
This shit is a really short ride.
[applause]
I want you to understand.
Don't put high expectations on people.
People are going to disappoint you.
So don't have high expectations of them.
Just know this.
Everyone is an asshole.
Everyone is an asshole.
You're an asshole.
Your girl's an asshole.
I'm an asshole. That's why I started
this show three hours late.
I'm a fucking dick.
[cheering, applause]
I just wanted to see how much
you motherfuckers love me.
[man] You fuckin' asshole!
Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.
They look all cute to you,
but they're fucking assholes.
Ask their teachers.
They're fucking assholes.
Your parents are old assholes.
But what you must do
is you must forgive them.
You have to trust that your parents did
the best they could with what they had.
[cheering]
And I say this from my heart.
Keep your heart light.
I just lost my dad five months ago.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah. But you know what?
He was a good dude, you know?
Don't feel bad.
You didn't kill him, liquor did.
But, you know,
I had a great time with my father, man.
Please, have a great time
with your parents.
I had a great time. I have no fucking
problems with my dad at all.
No beefs.
I got two little tiffs, you know?
Nothing... nothing big, nothing I would
talk to my therapist about, you know.
That's valuable time. I save that for...
to talk about these bitches.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughs]
Two beefs with my dad. One is...
You know, that nigga never wished me
a happy birthday.
Nah, but he Jehovah's Witness.
Them niggas are weird.
[laughs]
Y'all groan. "Ah, not those niggas."
You know, it's funny.
My dad was Jehovah's Witness.
My mother was like,
"Mm-mm, nigga. I'm Baptist.
I like Christmas." [laughs]
My mama hated the religion so much that,
nigga, there was days she didn't answer
the door for this nigga.
My daddy knocked.
My mom creeped to the door...
"Ah, shit, kids, get down."
"Who is it, Mama?" "It's your father.
He got them fucking books
and them people with him. Shh!
Keenan, hit the lights.
Damon, get your bald head over here.
There's a glare, nigga. Come here!
Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door.
Jehovah will witness me
beating the shit out you, nigga."
[audience laughing]
It's crazy. My father would never even
say the phrase "happy birthday."
Felt like if he said "happy birthday,"
he would instantly go to hell.
So he wouldn't say the phrase.
He'd call me on my birthday, he goes,
"Hey, son.
Happy Wednesday.
Happy Wednesday on the day
I accidentally bust
another nut inside your mama...
and made you."
And when I was little, you understand,
that shit used to hurt my feelings, man.
You know what I mean?
Your dad never wished you happy birthday.
Me and my brother, Shawn,
we'd be in our bedroom all mad.
Five and six years old,
be pacing back and forth and shit.
With them stupid birthday hats on,
you know them party hats.
[audience laughing]
And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama
in the room by her government name.
We'd be like, "Elvira! Come here!
Why you fuck this nigga?"
"Yeah. How come he pick
Jehovah's Witness as a religion?"
And my mama, funniest woman
you ever want to meet.
Straight out of Harlem.
Always kept it real.
She said, "Oh, niggas, do the math.
That broke motherfucker got ten kids
and one job.
He's trying to get out of buying
Christmas and birthday gifts, assholes!"
Oh, shit.
Nigga, that is a genius...
and diabolical plan."
I think Nick Cannon
should become Jehovah's Witness.
[cheering, applause]
Other beef I had with my father
is I feel like...
I feel like... I think
that nigga beat me too much.
Know what I mean?
Not saying I didn't deserve
a large majority of those ass whippings.
I probably deserved, you know,
I would say 87.3 percent
of those ass whippings.
That other 12.7 that my daddy
beat me for that I didn't deserve,
that nigga had to pay for that.
I waited.
Wait till the nigga got good and old.
And he started shitting himself.
Let him sit in that diaper
just a little while longer.
Not too long,
just two or three days, you know.
No, four is too long.
That's just cruel, you know.
I tried four and a turd, like,
hardened on his ass,
and I had to chisel it off.
Just chocolate chips all over the floor,
and I had to clean that shit up,
and the joke's on me, so...
But my point is,
I changed my father's diaper.
I changed my parents' diapers.
Don't say you love your parents,
and when they get old and they need you,
you throw their ass in the old folks home.
Don't do that. They didn't
throw you in a young folks home.
Take care of your parents.
It is a fucking privilege and an honor.
[cheering, applause]
And parents...
y'all be appreciative
if your kids actually do that for you.
Yeah, because my mama was funny.
My mama expected that shit.
She hit me with that,
"Well, it's only right.
I changed your diapers."
Bitch.
There is a difference between baby shit...
and 83-year-old Black people shit.
Let me tell you!
Baby shit is made from baby food.
You ever buy baby food,
you know what I mean?
Carrots and sweet potatoes,
those orange motherfuckers.
Come in that little Gerber jar.
You open the top. [clicks]
You feed it to the baby.
Three hours later, baby take a shit.
[blows raspberry]
Look inside the diaper.
It look just like sweet potatoes
you fed that nigga three hours ago.
You can actually take those
sweet potatoes out the Pamper...
and feed them right back to the baby.
[crowd laughing, groaning]
Yeah, it may have a twang, you know?
May have a little twang to it,
so, you know, maybe add some sugar
or, you know, maple syrup.
White people, agave and Stevia.
But 83-year-old Black people shit...
nigga!
It got pork, grits, cornbread,
collard greens, turnip greens,
fucking chitlins. Bitch.
You got shit in shit!
Like, if you got to change
your parents' diapers, look away.
Just change that motherfucker
like a blind man. Just...
And if you miss a spot,
who cares, ain't nobody going down there.
But, man, my mama used to
always talk shit about my daddy's dick.
I thought she was hating. She was always
talking about my father's dick.
"Yeah, your dick so ugly,
I could only fuck it in the dark.
Your dick so crooked,
I could hang my coat on it.
Your balls hang so low,
they look like click-clacks.
Nigga, I could play Cabanga!
with them bitches." Bap!
And I thought my mother was hating,
you know, because women,
y'all do that shit.
You talk about our dick,
then you fuck it. That's what's crazy.
My mother was talking shit
about my daddy.
I went to change my daddy diaper,
and I opened that shit up.
[makes whooshing sound]
And y'all,
these old balls just dropped out.
What the fuck! No! Ahh!
They were so long and droopy, like...
I didn't know how he would
scratch those motherfuckers.
He had to hacky-sack them balls up
in order to scratch them. [laughs]
And they had all these
sparse white hairs on it.
Just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.
Why was the fucking hair wet?
It looked like a mouse
ran through a fire
and the sprinklers came on.
And my mama wasn't lying when she said
that nigga dick was crooked.
Oh, shit. I ain't never seen
no shit like this.
It looked like it was hit by a car,
like... [screeches]
'Cause the shaft was bent this way.
And the nut was turned this way.
But the eye was looking over the shoulder
like this here.
It looked like something out
the music video "Thriller," like...
[humming, laughs]
Like, the neck was fucked up.
It looked like my dad's dick
was in an action movie.
Like John Wick snapped the neck
in my daddy's dick.
That nigga dick was so crooked, he need
one of them corrective braces on it.
You know, them shits they give you
when you have spine surgery?
And for a minute,
I questioned whether he was my father
because we had different dicks. Like...
No, 'cause my mama, God bless her soul,
she rounded... I had a pretty dick.
My mama, she made sure
it was rounded off.
I got that little...
You know what I'm saying?
She cut it right, you know
what I'm saying? I got the fade.
She faded my dick up.
My daddy, nigga,
he had all this extra skin.
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
What is that?!
My father's Puerto Rican!
What the fuck?"
And it wasn't just a little,
it was a lot of skin.
It was so much foreskin, I...
I could have started a beef jerky company.
But my point is,
I changed my daddy's diaper.
But, man, um...
Changing my mama's diaper...
That shit gave me anxiety. I'm not...
You know what I'm saying? Like...
I made a pact with God.
I did. I said, "Lord, strike me down."
[laughs] "Strike me down, or be kind
enough to rip the eyes out my head...
before I ever had to see
a 83-year-old pussy. Just..."
You know what I mean?
Like, I never been married
because I...
they say "till death do you part."
But I got to be honest,
at 70, bitch, I'm out. It's just...
You know what I mean?
Just the thought of it.
Like, you know, I just thought
a 83-year-old vagina, like,
that done seen some shit,
you know what I mean?
83 years of dick.
That's a lot of dick
haunting in that vagina.
Like, it's like an old,
grizzled war veteran, you know?
Just seen some shit.
It's all grizzly and gray and...
You know, and it's served several wars.
It served in Civil War.
It ripped down racist statues
and freed the slaves.
And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.
And... and it served two tours in Iraq.
And now that pussy is preparing for war
with Russia and China.
You know what I mean? Ten kids.
My mama, I thought them lips
were going to be all stretched out
like an old washing machine belt.
And I thought it would be like
a portal to a whole new universe.
Like, I could jump in that bitch
and be in the Spider-Man universe.
I just see different versions of me,
Little Man me and me in White Chicks.
And now I see me in Mo' Money
and I'm doing this to me.
You know... [laughs]
And I just thought the lips would go...
83, I thought the lips
were gonna be all big and stretched out
from the ten kids.
I thought them... them labias
would be flapping in the wind,
just like the American flag
flapping proudly on the 4th of July.
Or at the Super Bowl,
I just start singing...
Oh, say, can you see?
And then the Blue Angels fly by.
[makes whooshing sound]
And then I'll kneel,
me and Colin Kaepernick.
And I just thought it was going to be
swollen like, you know,
lips would look like Louis Armstrong
when he played the sax. Like...
[hums, mumbles]
What a wonderful world
The lips will be stretched out
and the hair would be coming out.
It would look like an old camel
chewing straw, like...
I thought my mom's vagina
was going to look like...
like Jay-Z when he's 92 years old.
[shouting, laughing]
And so when I went to change her diaper,
I opened the diaper up...
[makes whooshing sound]
And I peeked,
and I was like, "Oh, shit!
Okay, Vi.
With your brand-new baby pussy.
Somebody's been doing their Kegels.
Shawn, come here! Come look at this shit!
Who had ten kids?
Not out that pussy, we didn't.
That's a brand-new pussy, it should
have a price tag and a sensor on it.
You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
Oh, no."
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
[cheering, applause]
[cheering]
Yeah. I definitely feel
like my parents beat me too much.
[laughs]
And you're like, "Not after the way you
talked about your mom's vagina."
You stop judging me, unfold your arms.
Yeah, man.
I still feel like they beat me too much.
But, you know, it's funny. You know,
we always want to be victims in life.
Right?
Everybody always wants to be a victim.
"Oh, I had it the hardest.
You don't know my journey.
I had it the hardest."
Let me tell you something.
No matter how hard you may
have it in your lifetime,
there's always somebody that had it worse.
There's always somebody that had it worse.
I want you to be grateful
for whatever God gave you
in this journey,
you were supposed to have it.
[applause]
And I know
because there was niggas outside
and in my household that had it worse.
You know, I'm the baby.
So I had it actually the easiest.
You know why they had it worse?
Because they had my parents
when they were young.
They had a lot of energy.
When you young,
you could spank for days, just... bap!
Nigga, you try to run.
That nigga got legs, he run with you.
He gonna jump up, "I got you, nigga."
You wanna go down the stairs
under the bed...
[laughs]
When you older, nigga, you just like,
"All right, I'm... [sighs]
You go on, you know what I'm
gonna do to you when I catch you."
My parents,
when my brothers and sisters had 'em,
they were poor.
My parents was poor.
My daddy didn't have no teeth.
This nigga missing front teeth.
He was angry. Ladies, don't date a nigga
with a missing front tooth.
If you here with that nigga tonight,
we in Harlem,
there's a lot of these niggas out here.
That's the style in Harlem, nigga,
you missin' the front tooth.
Women be like, "Oh, he's sexy,
something about that front tooth missing
make me... make me moist inside."
You better leave that nigga.
Nigga missing his front tooth
ain't going to...
He going to beat you.
He gonna beat you.
And he threaten you
through that fucking missing tooth too.
He be like, "Bitch, say something.
[slurring] Say something!"
Then he smoke his Newport
through that missing tooth.
[exhales, laughs]
If he got a missing tooth
and an outie bellybutton,
oh, he beating you, the kids,
and your parents.
I had the easiest version of my parents.
Right? Because I had them after,
you know, my parents was older.
My brothers got money.
My brothers got money.
My brother Damon
bought my father some teeth.
This nigga would not stop smiling.
This nigga...
So my parents, they had disciplinarians.
By the time I came along,
man, I had old friends.
My mother and my father,
they was like my boys, you know.
We had fun, you know what I'm saying?
I used to fuck with my parents.
I was just... I was a troll.
I'd do funny shit, like,
have sex conversations with my parents,
especially because
they were much older than me.
So I used to see how square they were.
So I just asked my mama, said, "Ma, hey.
So when you and Dad, y'all do it,
y'all be doing doggystyle?"
My mother said, "What, nigga?"
I said, "You know, y'all do doggystyle?"
"Doggystyle! I ain't no fucking animal.
What you mean, doggystyle?"
"I mean, do you do it from the back?"
"From the back?
Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie!
You gonna turn me over and pump me
from the back like I'm in jail.
No, nigga, you better look at me.
I like to make love.
You look at me, nigga.
And you better not fucking blink.
Not the entire two minutes you do it."
[chuckling]
I'd be like, "So, Ma."
So I say, "Pop ever went down on you?"
My mother said, "Gone down where?"
I said, "You go down to,
you know, eat the groceries."
"The groceries?
This starting to sound nasty again.
My groceries in the kitchen
where they belongs."
"No, you ever go down and lick your..."
"Lick my cookie?
I'll kill that nigga,
he put his sour mouth on my vajayjay!
That's nasty. Especially all the shit
that come out there once a month.
You better not kiss me
or my grandbabies ever again!"
I say... [laughs]
This shit was amusing to me.
I'm like, "So, Ma.
So you ever go down on him?"
My mother said, "Nigga go on down where?"
I said, "You never gone down... [gags]
Gone down and sucked..."
"Suck... on that man's cling-clong?
I'll kill that nigga, he put that sour
piece of meat in my fucking mouth!
What kind of dog is that?
You gonna put that meat in my mouth,
I'll bite that nigga dick off and beat him
upside his motherfucking head."
I'll choke that nigga out.
All that skin he got? I'll choke him.
Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese."
[audience laughing]
I had a beautiful time with them.
I used to play with my parents,
and my brothers and sisters
couldn't understand it
because the relationship that they had.
And I remember one time
my brother Keenan and Damon
and all of them was home
from California, right?
And my dad, he was washing dishes.
And he had these sweatpants on,
but they had... the string was loose.
So, you know, I came up behind him.
I told my brothers, "Shh, shh."
I came behind this nigga,
and I pulled his pants down.
[makes whooshing noise]
And that old sour dick popped out.
And y'all, my brothers scattered
like old slaves that didn't know
they had they freedom.
They was like, "Oh, Lord!
Don't you beat him, Pappy, Lord!
Don't you beat him!
He don't know no good!
Pappy, he don't know no good,
he don't know no good!"
And my dad, he pulled his pants up.
He looked at me.
He said, "That was a good one, son.
I'll get you next time, nigga."
And my older siblings
didn't understand what they saw.
They had no idea that inside
of these disciplinarians
that was my parents,
lived this little silly boy
and this little silly girl.
And with your parents,
please experience all of them.
Not just the mask
that they have to wear to raise you,
but make them your friends.
It's the most important thing
you can do for your journey.
Make your parents your friends.
My father taught me the shorthand
of what a man was.
I remember when I was a little boy,
me and my brother Shawn,
we asked my dad, we said, "Dad.
What did you want to be when you grew up?"
My father looked at me. He said,
"I wanted to be a man."
I looked at Shawn like, "Somebody need
to help this nigga with his dreams.
You got some pretty basic aspirations,
if you ask me."
And, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like,
"Okay, well, what kind of man?
You wanna be a policeman?
You wanna be a fireman?
You wanna be a Batman,
a Spider-Man, a Superman?"
My dad said, "No, son,
I just wanted to be a man."
I said, "But, Dad,
every boy grows up to be a man."
He said, "No, son.
There's a lot of little boys
with mustaches out there."
I said, "Then Dad, what's a man?"
He said, "A man, he takes care of himself
and he takes care of his responsibilities.
- A man protects and provides."
- [applause]
"A man puts his woman
and his children before himself.
They are first.
A man is the first one up.
He's the first one to work.
He's the last one home.
And damn it, he's the last one to eat.
That's a man."
[applause]
And my father told me this.
He only had six teeth in his mouth.
I swear to you...
It would take this nigga about three years
to eat a bag of sunflower seeds,
just... [laughs]
Trying to find the right tooth combination
to crack them bitches on there.
And y'all like, "Why? What the fuck?
Why did Mr. Wayans have six teeth
in his mouth?"
Well, either my father went to the dentist
and he fixed his smile,
or he prioritized,
or what I call sacrificed,
and he fed his woman, and his children,
and his grandchildren
three square meals a day.
[applause, cheering]
My father, Howell Wayans, was a man.
[applause, cheering]
And ever since that day,
I too wanted to be a man.
Just a really rich man,
because I'll be goddamned!
If I have a snaggly ass tooth smile
like this nigga...
My mother used to call him
a "Blackalantern." [laughs]
We ask her for money
for a pumpkin on Halloween,
"Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?"
"You don't need no fucking pumpkin.
Put a candle in your father's mouth
and sit that nigga on the porch."
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents.
Enjoy your loved ones
as long as you can live and breathe,
please, do the best you can to get
as much out of life as you can.
[cheering, applause]
Because I'm gonna keep it real.
I can give you my wisdom at 50.
Let me tell y'all something.
This shit called life, it gets dark!
And anybody in here who's older than 50
know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Let me tell you something.
I lost 57 people that I loved
in the last three years.
- But I still say God is good.
- [cheering]
- God is good.
- [applause]
Because I look at the bright side.
No matter how dark shit is,
there's always a bright side, right?
I lost 57 people I love and I'm grateful.
You know why?
Because one of those niggas
could have been me.
And I'm really happy...
that God picked those other niggas
instead. You know?
I don't question Jehovah.
The Lord knows what he's doing.
Y'all gotta think about this. There's
a new celebrity dying every other day.
Like, yo, these are my peers.
And I'm like, "Wow!
God is making some really solid choices."
[laughs]
I mean, real talk.
Like, let's think about this.
Like, me...
[crowd shouting]
...or Coolio. It was Coolio's time to go.
Bye, Coolio. It was his time to go.
That nigga looked dead when he was alive.
Come on, y'all.
He only had two braids left.
It was his time.
Honestly, I thought crack killed
that nigga in the '80s.
Him and Flavor Flav.
- Is Flavor Flav still alive?
- [crowd shouting]
Well, that nigga looked dead
last time I seen him.
[laughs]
Flav one of them niggas
that you thought been dead.
When he die, ain't gonna be no hash tag,
"Gone too soon."
It'll be hashtag:
"Mm, about time, nigga. About time."
[laughs]
No, but you know, like, the whole theory,
like, "Why him?"
I feel like sometimes I wish I could
replace one death with another death.
You know what I mean? It was like...
I started thinking, "Why him?"
when Kobe died.
When Kobe died, it fucked me up.
That really hurt, man.
I was like, "Come on, God."
- [crowd shouting]
- Right?
Like, don't take the greatest Laker.
- Take Derek Fisher.
- [crowd groans]
Oh, he's out here fucking
on people's wives. It's adultery.
It's a goddamn sin,
don't you "aww" me, niggas.
Your wife may be next.
She may have a thing for short niggas
with three-point shots.
I can't believe y'all niggas
"aww'd" me on that shit.
Oh, y'all sensitive out here in Harlem.
Oh, y'all got gentrified on me, nigga?
[audience laughing]
Ever since they put a Starbucks on 125th,
you niggas done changed.
[laughs]
Yeah, y'all really ain't gonna
like this next one. So I'm just gonna...
I'ma sip my water while you niggas
complain and "ooh."
Don't take Kobe.
- Take Shaq.
- [crowd exclaims]
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I know, I know. I love the big fella too.
I love the big fella too.
But y'all in denial.
That nigga ain't got long to live.
Come on.
He ain't got long to live.
That nigga has at least three or four
diseases killing Black men
in their early 50s.
Hypertension, diabetes,
swollen prostate, the sugars.
Yeah, that nigga had the sugars.
I know what the fuck
the sugars look like.
I got three uncles with the sugars.
Y'all better give him his flowers.
Tweet that nigga after the show.
Hit him on Threads.
I hug him real hard.
Every time I see Shaq,
I just grab him by his ankle,
"Come here, big fella."
I don't care how big his heart is.
It is not big enough to pump blood
through all that nigga.
Dinosaurs don't live long, people.
Look at his eyes. When Shaq wake up,
nigga all loose-eyed.
All of a sudden, you wake up at 50
years old, nigga, and your eye is loose,
you probably born with this shit, nigga.
You wake up at 50 and your eye is loose,
you better call a physician.
His tongue is heavy.
I haven't understood a word Shaq said
in the last five years.
He just be mumbling. Watch TNT.
This nigga just be mumbling
with his raspy voice.
Every now and then,
you get the clear name of a player
or the clear name of a sponsor.
But other than that, you don't know what
the fuck this nigga's talking about.
He be on that show talking about...
[mumbles]
[mumbles]
[mumbles]
Kobe. [mumbles]
Icy Hot. [mumbles]
Charles. [mumbles]
Nutragenics. [mumbles]
Papa John's Pizza.
Big dude...
Nigga, closed caption be like, "I don't
know what he fuck this nigga said."
I can't believe you niggas
"aww'd" me on Shaq. Oh, man!
I had a darker joke.
But I'm not going to tell you.
[cheering]
All right, fuck it, nigga,
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck!
[cheering, applause]
All right. So the whole "Why him?" theory,
right, like with death, if you could
pick this person versus that person.
This whole "Why him?" theory.
It started for me when Kobe died.
When Kobe died, like I said,
I was fucked up because I knew Kobe.
You know what I mean? Kobe was a friend.
When he died, I was like,
"Come on, God, don't take Kobe.
Take Magic. He has AIDS."
[cheering, groaning]
He got AIDS!
Why take healthy Kobe
when Magic got AIDS?
You want a Laker?
Take the nigga with AIDS.
I know. Listen, I cried in 1984.
This nigga should have been dead by '85.
2023, Magic Johnson
is still the fuck alive,
and dare I say well, with AIDS,
and Kobe's dead?
Come on, man!
Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter
and crash that shit
into the side of a mountain.
How long is Magic Johnson
gonna live with AIDS?
Can we talk about it?
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.
I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
Why is this nigga still alive?
Fifty years of AIDS!
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?
Magic has had AIDS longer
than that nigga has not had AIDS.
And this nigga just skipping through,
like, somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.
He just skipping through life,
all happy and shit with AIDS.
Nigga, if you don't sit your ass
in the house...
He's still happily married.
Happily married to Cookie,
happily married with AIDS.
Bitch, if you don't leave
this nigga already...
He got AIDS.
It's irreconcilable differences, boo.
She all in pictures cuddled up and shit.
We know he's still fucking her raw.
She ain't got this shit.
He got this gay-ass son.
That's double AIDS.
He ain't got this shit.
[crowd cheering, groaning]
Oh, come on. Don't act like Magic's son
ain't a badass bitch.
Nigga, that nigga's thicc with two "C's."
Nigga, he caught me, I did a double take.
Nigga had some Daisy Dukes on.
I said, "Oh... oh, that's a nigga! Fuck!
Nigga!"
I'm sorry, what kind of AIDS you get
where you get more rich
and more handsome?
Magic Johnson has never
been more successful
than he is right now with AIDS.
What the fuck?
He owns part of the Lakers,
part of the Dodgers,
the man just bought a football team.
He's in Forbes as a billionaire.
All this with AIDS.
What kind of AIDS is this?
Financial aids?
[audience laughing]
I want those AIDS.
I want those AIDS!
Sign me the fuck up!
Yeah, I don't want them Freddie Mercurys
or them Eazy-Es.
You keep them skinny nigga AIDS.
But them Magic Johnson rich nigga AIDS?
You show me the monkey he fucked.
I got next.
You know, I know what I've been saying
is a little dark, right?
My humor has gotten darker
because my life has gotten darker.
Everything was all fun and games.
And then I've been dodging depression
for the last three years.
I lost my mama three years ago.
And let me tell y'all something.
Ain't no pain,
nothing like losing your mama.
Like, I'm serious.
Like, I loved my daddy.
But if I had to choose... mm!
Bye, Howell!
Bye, nigga, happy Wednesday, Howell!
Happy fucking Wednesday!
Give my love to Coolio, huh?
Nothing like losing your mama, man.
I'm telling you right now,
life gets real when you lose your mama.
And if anybody in here lost they mama,
my condolences.
My condolences.
I don't care if it was last week,
two weeks ago,
three months ago, last year,
five years ago, 25 years ago,
it doesn't matter.
That is a pain that never goes away.
So to all you people that lost your mama,
we are part of an elite group,
we are a motherfucking gang.
The Dead Mama Gang. Gang, gang!
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!
You still got your mama?
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mama.
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga!
Aww! Bitch-ass nigga got his mommy!
You be having
Mother's Day brunches, nigga?
Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
getting milk in your beard, nigga.
[sucking]
I ain't shit, I set that nigga up.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
I'm just jealous.
Do me a favor. You be good to her.
You be good to her. As long
as you got her, you be good to her.
[cheering, applause]
Love my mama. If it wasn't for my mama,
I would have never had Christmas.
Yeah. You know why?
This nigga, Howell!
The Grinch that stole a witness.
This man didn't believe
in fucking birthdays or Christmas.
What kind of evil cult
are you a part of, nigga?
Every Christmas,
my father wouldn't participate.
This nigga would lock the door
to his bedroom. [makes thumping sound]
Lock my mom and all the kids
outside of his room.
And my mama, she's the sweetest woman
you ever wanted to meet.
Very articulate, well-spoken,
college educated.
But, man, when she was mad,
the shit that she would say,
the curse words that would come out
this woman's mouth.
We used to call her Richard Pryor
with titties. The shit...
She was funny.
It didn't even make no sense sometimes.
"Open the door, you pussy bitch."
"A pussy bitch? Shawn,
can you be both a pussy and a bitch?"
"I guess so." "I know you hear me
in there, you nipple-dick nigga."
"A nipple-dick nigga?
How small is Father's dick that Mother
would compare it to a nipple?"
"I know you hear me in there,
faggot balls."
[laughs] "Faggot balls?"
Every Christmas,
my father would lock his door.
[imitates door closing]
And my mother,
what I loved about my mother,
let me tell you something about women.
Men, we make the rules,
but when women break your rules,
it's because they know
what they kids need.
My mother knew her children.
My father knew we needed God,
and we did.
But my mama knew we needed love.
So she thwarted the greatest authority
in my household, which was my father,
and she fought for us like,
"Nah, nigga. We still gonna celebrate.
Ya ho, ho, ho.
Come on, kids." And my mama
go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We were so poor,
we didn't have a stand for the tree.
So she just leaned that shit
on the wall like a junkie.
And I don't know where she got the money.
Know what I mean? Like, I don't know
if she was slinging dope or slinging ass.
[laughs]
But it's magical the way that mothers
find the money to get their kids gifts.
My mother always found money
to get us gifts.
[applause]
And she'd get one gift per kid.
There'd be 218 gifts
underneath the Wayans' tree.
Only Nick Cannon's tree
would have more gifts.
And my dad would have his door locked,
and my mama,
straight out of New York,
she was a fucking troll.
She was a troll.
My mama had this theory.
She said she always had the last laugh.
My dad think he having
a nice quiet evening off.
My mother go, "Come on, babies."
"Where we goin', Mama?"
"Oh, we going Christmas caroling.
Come on."
And she would line us up,
all ten of us,
right outside that nigga's locked door.
Like a gospel choir. [laughs]
We went from the Wayans family
to the Winans Family.
She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
[makes tone sound]
Then she'd make us sing
real loud Christmas carols
right to that nigga's door.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
"Louder, niggas!"
Fa, la, la, la, la
"Hit the high note, Shawn."
[high-pitched singing]
And the woman was funny.
This woman was hilar...
She used to the rewrite
the Christmas carols.
My mother used to rewrite
the Christmas carols,
and the first half be dedicated
to Christmas joy. Oh, it'd be so sweet.
And the other half be dedicated
to my father.
It'd be like, "Fuck you, nigga."
She be like...
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
"Nothing because he's a broke-ass cheap
Jehovah Witness-ass nigga
with a little nipple dick
and faggoty balls.
Here's another Jehovah Witness
Christmas carol. You ready, kids?
We [drawing out note]
Wish you a happy Wednesday
We wish you a happy Wednesday
We wish you a happy Wednesday
'Cause your daddy ain't shit
People ask,
what made your family so successful?
My father, his presence in our life,
his introduction to God,
his commitment to Jehovah.
But the secret ingredient
was my mother's love.
- [applause]
- Those fucking Christmases, man.
They made us feel special.
When we opened those gifts,
those wasn't gifts we was opening.
Those were little boxes of hope.
[applause]
And we opened those gifts.
And I knew it was my mother
that gave us those gifts.
I knew it.
'Cause women, y'all funny. [laughs]
Y'all don't let Santa Claus
take the credit for your gifts. [laughs]
Y'all will cross that nigga name off
every fucking name tag.
"From Santa, my Black ass, shit.
Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.
Love Mama."
And my mother was smart to do that.
Because you know what?
One day when we made money,
every Christmas we hooked my mama up.
We bought my mom a house,
we bought my mom a car,
we bought my mother clothes,
we bought my mother furs,
we bought my mother fucking jewelry,
we bought my mother furniture.
Yes, furniture,
with all the plastic slip covers
a Black woman from Harlem
could ever dream up.
And my daddy,
we didn't get that nigga shit!
Nah, 'cause Christmas time,
we make some money,
all of a sudden at Christmas time...
[makes screeching sound]
This nigga's door is wide open.
And he's sitting there
with them begging-ass eyes,
you know, them poverty eyes.
Them "feel sorry for me nigga" eyes.
We looked that nigga right
in his face, go, "Hey.
Happy Wednesday, nigga."
My parents was different.
They lived different.
They died different.
My father wanted to die.
He wanted to die. He gave up on life.
And here's what happened.
My mother preceded my father in death.
My dad came to the funeral.
He seen the woman he loved
since he was 13 years old.
The woman he fell in love with
right here in Harlem in a casket.
And my father saw my mother.
He turned white.
And this nigga just threw up.
[gagging]
Like, not once, several times. [gagging]
At a point,
it got real funny to us Wayans.
[laughing]
My brother Damon was like,
"Look at his back. Look at his back.
He looks like a ghetto question mark."
[gags, laughs]
And after that, we begged my father
to stay in LA and let us take care of him.
My father was like,
"No, I've gotta go. I gotta go."
He came back to New York.
My father locked himself in the house,
and he sat there in a chair.
He stopped going out.
My father stopped doing his ministry.
Let me tell y'all something
about Jehovah Witnesses.
They live to get those doors
slammed in their face.
It makes them powerful.
[laughs] "Another one!"
He stopped doing his ministry.
He sat in his chair watching NY1,
the 24-minute loop,
he just watched that shit over and over.
He had two bottles of vodka,
a bottle of wine he would drink.
And he sat there
until his body deconditioned.
And my dad would sit in his chair
and he'd just go,
- "I miss my gal."
- [audience] Aww...
"I miss my gal.
I miss her odor." [mutters]
"Odor? [laughs]
Fuck you mean, her odor, nigga?
You mean the smell of old wigs
and fish sticks?"
But what my father meant was...
her odor, he meant her pheromones.
When you love somebody, they could
be stink as fuck to everybody in here.
"What the fuck is that smell?"
But to that one person that love you,
she's like,
"That's my little stinky boo."
He missed his person.
My father sat in his chair
and he drank himself to death. Literally.
We watched him suffer for three years
until finally he passed.
And when he passed,
we buried him right next to my mama
so she could curse that nigga out
for the rest of eternity.
And we was at the funeral,
and all of us Wayans was thinking like,
"Damn." After watching my father suffer
like that, we was like, "Fuck.
[sighs]
My mama must have had
some spectacular pussy because...
[laughs] this nigga chased
that pussy to the grave."
I saw it, it was tight.
I see what he doing. Know what I mean?
[laughs]
My mother was different.
My mother loved life.
Nobody loved life as much
as Elvira Wayans loved life.
This woman,
she would talk your fucking ear off.
This woman loved life.
She fought death. Literally.
What did my mother die of?
She died of "err-thang."
It took "err-thang" to kill this woman.
She wasn't going down. I remember,
I was at my mother's deathbed,
and I watched this woman fight death.
She was fighting death. "Mm-mm, death.
Mm-mm. Fuck off me.
Mm-mm.
Leave me alone.
Go get faggot balls first."
[audience laughing]
And I remember
because I remember the exact day.
And I remember the exact time.
I went to the hospital.
It was Saturday,
June 19th...
of 2020.
And it was 11:56 p.m.
And I seen my mother fighting death.
I thought my mother was fighting death
because she just want to see her baby
one last time.
Later on I found out that wasn't it.
This woman was a fucking troll
all the way down to the end.
But I'll tell you, I'll tell you later.
My mother's fighting death.
And if you ever see somebody
like your mama in that kind of pain,
it is selfish of you
to try to keep them here.
This body we are all in,
well, one day it expires.
And when God calls you home,
let that soul go.
Because the reality is
for you to stay in that body is painful,
and you, as the loved one,
you have to learn to let go,
make them feel comfortable
and okay to leave.
- [applause]
- So I came the hospital,
my mama fighting death. "Mm-mm."
I said, "Mama, stop it. Stop fighting."
And I smacked her on her ass.
I did. And she had one of
them hospital gowns, you know,
hospital gowns with the ass crack out.
How you like them VIP seats, nigga?
[laughs]
And my mother was fighting.
I said, "Mama." Pssht!
I said, "Girl, you did it.
You did the damn thing.
83 years, Mama.
- 83 years.
- [applause]
Woman, you had diabetes since you was 33.
Mama, that is 50 years of diabetes."
I said, "Woman,
you are the Magic Johnson...
[audience laughing]
...of diabetes." [laughs]
I said, "Mama, let's...
let's run the numbers.
You a GOAT, Mama, you a legend."
I said, "You had ten kids.
You got 10,833 grandchildren.
You made five millionaires.
- You made five millionaires."
- [cheering, applause]
Six, if I could just get my shit together.
[laughs]
I said, "You made five comedic legends.
You made five legends.
Six, if I could just...
I don't get canceled for this
Magic Johnson AIDS joke I keep saying."
[laughs]
I said, "Mama, you did all this
and you only made one crackhead."
I said, "Woman,
your crackhead to millionaire ratio
was unparalleled for a Black woman
in America."
I said, "Mama, you are a GOAT.
You are the GOAT of all mothers.
You are the GOAT of all vagina."
Then I got carried away.
I said, "Mama, ain't no pussy
fucking with your pussy, Mama!"
[laughs]
And y'all like, "Did y'all really say
that shit to your...
Did you say that to your mama?
At her deathbed?"
You damn fucking right I did.
Let me tell you why.
I'm gonna gift y'all something
that my mama gifted me with.
My mama told me as a little boy,
she said, "Baby boy,
you learn to laugh in your worst moments,
and you gonna smile
the rest of your days."
Losing my mother was my worst moment.
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
[cheering, applause]
- [audience shouting]
- I love you all too.
Losing my mama was my worst moment.
And in my moment, I honored my mother
for what she taught me.
Because I wanted her to know that...
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]
I let her know I was broken,
but I was going to be okay.
I let her know that I will smile again.
And it's okay for you to go.
That's why I cracked that joke
because she laughed,
and I talked to her in Wayans language
and she knew what the fuck I meant.
And so she stopped fighting,
and she allowed herself to go
and she started to transition.
And as she transitioned,
I seen the doctor
started turning up that morphine, right?
And she started scratching and shit.
I said, "Is it good, Mama?"
She said, "Yeah, Daddy, it's...
It's is gooder than a motherfucker, baby.
Tell the doctor, turn that shit up.
Give me some more, please, man.
I got these cheeseburgers!"
[laughter, applause]
Call your mama every day.
Call your mama every day.
Every fucking day you can.
If she's here, you call her.
You ain't got to call your daddy
every day.
No, call that nigga once a month.
He good. [laughs]
You call your daddy more
than once a month, he gonna be like,
"Yeah, I'm fine, nigga. Call your mama."
I learned, you ain't gotta
talk the whole fucking time.
You ain't gotta talk the whole time.
Just put the phone down.
Every seven minutes, just come back
to the phone and say this shit.
Be like, "Uh-huh.
Yeah, I know that bitch ain't shit, Mama."
Call your mama.
Let me tell you something,
call her every day.
Because if you don't,
the scariest moment of your life
is going to be the day you go
to call your mama...
and she ain't on the other line.
So call your mama.
Because when she's gone, at least
you'll have that voice in your head.
I called my mama so much,
I hear her more now in her death
than I ever heard her when she was alive.
This bitch won't leave me the fuck alone!
My mama's everywhere. She's right there.
She don't like sitting next to people.
"Uh-uh, save me two seats."
My mama's omnipresent.
I hear her everywhere.
I'll be in the worst situations, y'all.
And I hear my mama like, "Mm-mm, son.
Don't put your dick in there."
Why? Why do I hear my mama so much?
Because I called her.
Call your mama.
My mother, I called my mama so much...
She loved two things.
My mother loved her kids
and she loved the telephone.
I don't know which one she loved more.
My mother didn't have an iPhone.
She was like, "I don't play
with that fucking radiation."
So my mother had a rotary phone
with a long-ass wire,
wire longer than my daddy's balls,
just miles long.
And my mother's finger
was stuck like this.
Literally stuck like this
because she had carpal tunnel.
Because all she'd do
is sit by the phone and call each kid.
[dialing sound]
Call each nigga back to back to back
to back to back to back to back to back.
And then she tell you
the last conversation
she had with the last nigga before you.
It was like a terrible game of Telephone.
And then you go to hang up the phone.
She's one of these people,
you go to say goodbye, nigga ignore you,
start a brand new conversation.
I called my mama. [imitates ring]
"Hey, Mama."
"Hey, baby boy. How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Where you at now, sky king? You always
flying around making people laugh.
Where you at now, son?"
"Oh, I'm in New York City."
"Oh, yeah, make sure you wear a jacket.
It can get cold as fuck at night there.
Yeah, it gets so cold,
even the white people be ashy.
So, son, when you coming home?"
"I'm coming home on Monday because I have
a date with the most beautiful woman."
"Oh. Well, who's the lucky gal?"
I said, "You are." "Oh, boy.
If your father would
have talked like that,
I would have fucked that nigga
more than ten times.
So where are we gonna go, son? Huh?
I want some of that wag-u-yu.
Can we get some steak?" [laughs]
"It's called wagyu, Ma."
"I don't know how
the fuck you pronounce it,
but I know that shit
is 270-something dollars a steak.
Now, you sure you don't want
to call Keenan and Damon
to help you with this bill?
[audience laughing]
You know your Discovery card
be acting up some times, son."
"No, Mama, I'll handle it." "All right.
Well, can I have some dessert?"
"Yes, but only a little bit."
"Why, because of my diabetes?"
"No, Mama.
Because you're already so sweet."
- "Oh..."
- [audience] Aww...
"Boy, you must get you a lot of pussy.
This nigga got lines like a pimp.
You go on, mac daddy.
All right, baby boy.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."
"All right, Mama. I love you."
"And I love, love, love,
love, love, love you too."
"All right, Mama. Bye."
"All right. Bye now.
Yeah. So I talked to Keenan." "Bitch!"
People ask, who's the funniest one
in the Wayans family?
[audience shouting]
I digress.
The funniest person
in the Wayans family is my mama.
My mama.
Elvira Alethia Green Wayans Sr.
is the funniest woman I ever met.
So funny that, yes, there is a junior
that exists with that slave name.
My mother was brilliant.
My mother never did standup comedy,
but she was naturally a gifted comedian.
Her life was one great standup comedy set.
Her life. Here's why.
A great comedian can come on a stage,
and they can make you laugh
with the shit that hurts them the most.
They're taking their pain.
These people are dying inside,
and they're making you laugh.
And that laughter is healing for us.
And that's called having the last laugh.
[applause]
My mother did that with her life.
The thing that hurt my mama most
was my father's religion.
Not because he was a man of God,
but because she was God fearing too.
But my mother was a romantic.
My mother loved holidays. Why?
Because she loved
to celebrate those that she loved.
And damn it,
she just wanted to be celebrated.
But my father's religion
prevented her from doing that.
She was heartbroken.
Every fucking holiday,
she would cry herself to sleep.
Now, my father, being a man of God,
being Jehovah's Witness,
he would not celebrate any holiday.
So one day, it was Father's Day.
My brother Keenan
came home from California.
He had made some money.
He said, "We're going to celebrate Pop
this Father's Day."
We was like,
"This nigga don't celebrate Father's Day."
He's like, "We're not gonna
call it Father's Day.
We're going to call it Happy Wednesday.
We're gonna buy him some gifts,
gonna write him some cards."
So we bought him some gifts,
we wrote him some cards.
My father opened the gifts.
He opens the cards.
And my dad started crying
because he couldn't believe the sentiments
that he heard from his children.
This nigga went his whole life
with never hearing,
"I love you, Dad. Thank you, Dad.
What a wonderful father you are."
So he read these things and he cried.
And from that day on, my father made it
a tradition to celebrate Father's Day.
[audience laughing]
Now...
this pissed my mama off even more!
My mother said, "Nigga, Father's Day?
Not my birthday?
You nipple-dick nigga!
Not my anniversary? Faggot balls!
You gonna celebrate Father's Day?"
Now, knowing my mother,
the brilliant comedian that she is,
what day do you think my mama died?
- [audience] Father's Day.
- Father's Day!
That's why she was trying to stay alive
at 11:56 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th.
"Mm-mm, mm-mm!"
Four minutes later
it was going to be Father's Day.
She wanted to take that nigga's
only fucking holiday from him!
She said, "Happy Wednesday, motherfucker!"
- [cheering, applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, New York. Thank you, Harlem.
[cheering]
- [voicemail beeps]
- [Marlon's mom] Good morning, baby boy.
Just calling to find out whose ass
are you kicking today.
[laughs] Thought that was a good one.
I love you.
Call me when you get a chance.
This is my darling
Oh my honey
He's my darling and my honey pie
He's my darling
Honey, baby
I could love him 'til I die
[smacks kiss]
[soft music plays]