Married to It (1991) Movie Script

NINA: I can't believe
we're really here.
It's such a long way from home.
CHUCK: Wasn't that
the idea?
Something wrong with yours, hon?
It's got legs.
It is squid.
It is?
(LAUGHING) How was I supposed
to know calamari was squid?
Why did you order it?
I'm trying to develop
more sophisticated tastes.
A big shot like you can't be
married to some hick from Iowa.
You're not some hick.
You're my hick.
Thanks... I think.
WAITER: Tea for the lady,
and milk for the growing boy.
Happy anniversary, Chuckles.
Happy anniversary, Nina.
Of gettin' married
or just livin' together?
Neither. Actually, it's the 16th
anniversary of our first phone call.
You guys celebrate everything?
Everything good.
Which is everything.
Well, good isn't good
enough. It had to be great.
Come on, you can
tell me the truth.
Was it sort of okay,
not too awful?
It... It was fine.
Yeah, that's what I
said, it was a disaster.
There were hundreds
of people there.
One hundred and forty three,
including the Mayor's entire
staff and the cleanup crew.
Come on, Iris,
what'd you expect?
You want people to spend the last
day of summer watching clog dancing?
Come on, Dad.
Why not?
(BOYS CLAMORING)
The city is a melting pot.
And we should be proud of all the different
art forms that comprise our culture.
You sound like a press release.
Today is Labor Day, remember?
I just think we should focus
on some of the labor struggles
our colorful neighbors
have endured.
Yeah, that'll be
a real crowd pleaser.
Oh, shit!
Hey!
IRIS: Oh!
JOHN: Asshole!
I love this car.
I think you married me
for this car.
Legs first.
Then mind, then car.
Maybe it was car, then
mind, I don't remember.
Why did you marry me?
You're the second largest
penis I've ever seen.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
"Who has the first?" he
asked, begging for trouble.
A statue in the Piazza Signoria.
A statue, a statue. A
sculpture? Mmm-hmm.
Very funny, very funny.
It's not fair. It's not fair.
(LAUGHING)
Why?
"Why?"
'Cause a sculpture could
always send out for more marble.
I got to work with what I got.
Too bad.
What you've got
works great for me.
Mmm.
I'm almost relaxed.
Oh, good.
I need some
champagne and caviar.
Let's go to Petrossian
and get drunk,
then go home
and get in the hot tub.
Then I'd be totally relaxed.
Don't start, Claire.
We're picking up Lucy.
Didn't we have her last week?
Yes, we did, and we're
gonna have her tonight
for a few hours.
That's all.
Tonight is the night before
the first day of school.
I always cook her dinner.
How sweet.
It's kind of a tradition.
Yeah, hello?
Yeah, hello...
Yeah. Please let me
talk to Lucy.
No, no, your check
is not late, Madeleine.
Today is a legal holiday.
You'll get it tomorrow.
We're not gonna...
Hello, baby.
Hi, sweetheart.
How's my girl?
CHUCK: Mmm, no, no, no, no.
(NINA CHUCKLING)
Oh, this is kinda nice.
No.
Yeah? No.
Diego hates yellow, remember?
He said it's the state
color of New Jersey.
Diego... Well, it
goes with everything.
We don't have anything
for it to go with it.
Hey, get the one you want.
I've got to get to work
so I can pay for it.
Are we so poor that I can't
even have a new pair of shoes?
Your brother only wore
those for three weeks.
In two weeks, you'll be
telling me they're too small.
What about school jackets?
You need new jackets?
Everybody has them.
How much are they?
$150.
Geez, what a bargain.
We should all get one.
Do they make 'em for dogs?
Can we just
talk about this later?
Okay, now I'm gonna take
a nice, cold shower.
And, oh, would you mind
taking out Fenno?
I think he's gonna explode.
I'm already late.
Oh, hey, fine. Just
lock him in your closet.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Just this way,
Mrs. Bishop.
We've got a wonderful
bunch of kids here.
Of course, they're normal,
so we have our problems, too.
Well, that's why I'm here.
You'll be dealing
with a lot of divorce.
Single parents, kids caught in
the middle of grownup problems.
Here we are.
Here's your new office.
Just given it
a fresh coat of paint.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, I can smell it.
It's one of my favorite smells.
Yeah, me, too. New
beginnings and all that.
Yeah. All that.
Well, I'm going to let
you set up housekeeping.
Thank you. Remember,
my door is always open.
Thanks.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Well, I can't predict
the future.
That's true. I have
been right every time.
Okay, I'll put
the order through.
Great. I'll talk to you
after the market closes.
Hey, Chuck, buddy.
Pal.
Putz.
Moron.
Listen, much as I hate to do it,
I gotta thank you
for that Forestal tip.
I got a lot of
very happy clients.
Good. I don't mind
sharing the wealth.
Good. I don't mind
returning the favor.
Here. Have a look at
this Merotan stuff.
Looks very interesting.
I'll give it a look.
Not plotting a coup, are we?
No. Just trying
to make you more money.
Keep doin' what you're doin'.
You were number one in
commissions last quarter.
And we all know how
hard you pushed for that.
No pain, no gain.
I don't know. Jeremy
makes it look pretty painless.
He handled that Ferenco
offering without one hitch.
I had a lot of fun
with that one.
Oh, come on.
Fun, my ass.
You put your dick on
the line when it counted.
JEREMY: Yeah. Listen, you
guys, I'm late for my 11:00,
so I'll see you later, buddy.
Chuck, we had to let Dexter go.
Oh, no.
It's harder these days
to get the job done,
and he wasn't cuttin' it.
But the good news is I'm
gonna give his accounts to you.
Great. You won't regret it.
Better not.
George Mullaney
is his heaviest hitter.
You'll meet him tonight.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll be ready for him.
Enough said.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
wants to help you.
Help.
(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, please.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey.
Hey, if isn't
our man about town.
You know what I love
about this job?
What's that?
I get to go to exotic places.
Like 942 West 142nd Street,
an address, I might add,
that no longer exists.
The exercise is great.
I climbed 23 flights
of condemned steps today.
You know what I'm saving
on a health club?
John, you are
an inspiration to us all.
You also got
an appointment waiting.
Oh, shit.
WOMAN: Mr. Petrovich?
PETROVICH:
Yes, yes, here, here.
Hey, Mr. Romero.
How you doin'?
You tell me.
How's that kitchen job
holding up?
It's bullshit. They
put me on part-time.
They're screwing around
with my hours
so I can't watch the kids
when my wife works.
I'll call the manager again.
I'll talk to him personally.
Look, I need a real job.
Something with a future.
Stock options
and profit sharing.
I can't raise my kids
in an apartment.
We need a house with a yard.
It doesn't have to be fancy
as long as the schools are
decent and the air is clean,
we'll pack up
and leave tomorrow.
Do you have any jobs like that?
If I had one,
I'd take it myself.
Thank you, Joy.
I can't believe I killed myself
to get back from Washington
so we could watch dirty movies,
and now you're telling me...
Honey, I told you about this
a million times.
It's very important to Lucy.
Is Mad Dog gonna be there?
No, she's not. She's
working nights this week.
If she was gonna be there,
I wouldn't have asked you to go.
Barbara, I need some heads now.
And her name is Madeleine.
A rose is a rose.
Listen, I am up to my ass
in alligators here.
You mean I have to go alone?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
IRIS: Hi.
I'm Iris Morden. I'm president
of the Parents' Association.
Hi. I'm Nina Bishop.
I'm the new school psychologist.
Oh, I thought you looked
a little young to be a parent.
You look like one of the kids.
I sort of feel like one.
Not that I don't think
I'm qualified or anything.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
I have two boys here.
Marty and Kenny.
Seventh, eighth grades.
Those are very interesting ages.
Yes, interesting is the
right choice of words.
Excuse me. Is there a
pay phone around here?
The one in the lobby
is out of order.
Yeah, by the nurse's office, third
floor, right through those doors.
Third floor?
Forget it.
Took me half an hour
to find a place to pee.
I ended up in the
little boys' room. Oh.
I could've traumatized some
eight-year-old, but I figured, fuck it.
You gotta go,
you gotta go. Right?
Absolutely.
Hi. I'm Iris Morden.
I'm president of
the Parents' Association.
This is Nina Bishop,
our school psychologist.
Hi.
Bet you're busy
in a place like this.
Oh.
I'm Claire Laurent.
Oh, I've been looking for you.
Your daughter put you down
for the refreshment committee.
Daughter? Good God!
Do I look like a mother?
I don't know. What
do mothers look like?
What I mean to say is my
husband's daughter is a student here.
What grade is she in?
I don't know.
Oh. How old is she?
Twelve or thirteen. She's a
walking mass of raging hormones.
But then, aren't we all?
Well, I have just the spot
to put those raging
hormones to good use.
We need all the help we can get.
CLAIRE: Help with what?
I'm sorry.
I don't quite understand.
I'm kind of filling in here.
Oh, I'm talking about
the Rainbow Festival.
The school pageant. This year
we're doing a kind of '60s theme.
Okay, committees. Now...
Refreshment committee,
poster committee,
program committee,
decorations committee.
I'll do decorations.
Oh, great.
That's my committee.
School committees
are not my thing.
I do my best work
in the board room.
And the bedroom.
Well, it is a school tradition.
Fine.
My husband will do it.
Husbands and wives, it's a rule.
You don't understand.
I'm only the stepmother.
Oh, stepparents count.
If we didn't count stepparents,
we'd have like, maybe,
four people show up.
I'll put you down on the
decorations committee with us.
Don't worry about it,
really. It's fun.
Besides, it's months away.
Months away? I haven't the faintest
fucking idea what I'll be doing then.
I'm sure you can fit it in.
And we should meet
maybe next Tuesday?
Here maybe?
Well, no. Why don't
you come to my house?
And I'll cook supper and
we'll have a meeting there.
Husbands, too.
Don't put yourself out.
That sounds great.
See you then.
It'll be great.
George Mullaney
has more money than God,
but he's tighter
than a duck's ass.
Hi.
Hi, Sharon.
This is major, Bishop.
Don't fuck it up.
Hey, George, I am so glad
that you could make it.
I told you about Chuck
Bishop, our new V.P.
It's good to meet
you, Mr. Mullaney.
So, you're the latest
lion-tamer.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I am fearless,
if that's what you mean.
JEREMY: Hey.
I just got off the phone
with the Japs. Bam!
They went for it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't
believe we've met.
I'm Jeremy Brimfield,
young stud.
I'm George Mullaney, old fart.
(MEN LAUGHING)
I will never be
as smooth as Jeremy.
He always says the right thing.
He always dresses perfectly.
Who cares?
He's just a lot of hot air.
You're too hard on yourself.
You need a diversion.
I don't have time
for a diversion.
You do
on Tuesday at 7:30.
We're having a dinner party.
For who?
I met some people
at the meeting tonight.
We're doing a school
pageant together.
Honey!
Honey, I can't.
I just can't. I have
too much work to do.
Well, I already invited them.
Well...
Besides, I came here.
It's only fair that we
entertain for my job.
You're right.
It'll be fun.
Oh, yeah, it'll be a blast.
An evening with a bunch
of people I don't even know.
We don't even know these people.
I told you, she's the new
school psychologist
and the other couple are
parents. Well, at least he is.
Do I have to wear a tie?
You can go stark naked
for all I care.
Why are you being so difficult?
Because I hate small talk.
I'd rather stay home
and read a good book.
We never go anywhere.
All our friends have left
the city. It's so boring.
I'm not bored.
Okay.
Say, "Thank you, Mother dear."
And eat your breakfast.
"Thank you, Mother dear.
And eat your breakfast."
(GASPS)
(MIMICKING KENNY)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Scrambled eggs and toast,
Marty. Pancakes are on the way.
What have you done to your hair?
Nothing.
Then we must have an
electromagnetic field in our hallway
because your hair
is standing on end.
I wore love beads.
Well, then,
let him wear love beads.
It's my hair.
The punk movement
glamorizes violence,
and this is
a nonviolent household.
Doesn't sound
very nonviolent to me.
I don't complain
about your hairdo.
There is nothing wrong
with my hairdo.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, right.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What? Please.
Oh, I feel so fatherly.
Dinner with school leaders.
Lucy's going to love this.
I didn't love her volunteering
me for that stupid committee.
Those women are
not exactly my type.
(MOANING)
You sure I can't talk you into a
romantic evening at home, alone?
It's only going to be for a couple
of hours. How bad can it be?
So you're from Iowa?
Uh, Iowa.
What's it like in Iowa?
Oh, it's...
(CHUCKLING)
It's nice.
It's very small...
And it's friendly.
And it's very...
It's very...
Iowan?
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, I guess.
Hmm.
You know, a lot of
people think Iowa is
more, you know... It's
further west than it actually is.
Right.
That's true.
Oh?
I can't tell you
how grateful I am
that you've allowed us to use
your apartment for this meeting.
Oh, yeah.
This is a real treat.
Oh, yes. Real.
NINA: So, Leo,
what do you do?
LEO: Me?
I manufacture toys.
Warm, cuddly ones.
Just like the owner.
Good old-fashioned
American dolls.
We make them in Taiwan.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sorry we don't
have more furniture.
We've got a lot
of stuff on order.
The table and the chairs
are a loan from our decorator.
Oh, who are you using?
Diego Carrera.
I hear he's very high concept.
Would you call our
decorating low concept?
I call it eclectic.
Chuck, did you know
Claire's in banking, too?
Oh, really? I'm in stock
portfolios. Bonds and...
Who do you work for?
Arthur Everson.
Arthur?
Do you know him?
Of course.
Is he still married to that
bitch with the lousy nose job?
(JOHN LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
So, John, what do you do?
I'm in welfare.
NINA: Oh.
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, my cheese puffs!
I'll just be back in a second.
I'll...
Excuse me.
Cheese puffs.
Hmm.
This is a disaster.
Whoo!
I had more fun when I
had my wisdom teeth out.
No, no, then you had
laughing gas.
(CHUCKLING) Stop it!
Maybe Diego should
put in a trap door.
Maybe they'll just go away.
Chuck!
Chuck, go play host.
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
Oh, God! Oh, God,
don't you hate that?
Welcome to the '90s.
Boy, I mean, how
inconsiderate can you get?
I mean, some guy wakes up
the entire neighborhood
trying to protect a stupid car.
Is it ours, honey?
No, I don't think so.
CHUCK: Cheese puffs.
Cheese puffs.
Watch your fingers.
They're hot.
(BLARING STOPS)
LEO: Boy, you guys have
a heck of a view here.
Mmm. Those must be the 1,000
points of light I've heard so much about.
Yeah, it's really spectacular.
It looks like a light show
out of the '60s, doesn't it?
I don't know.
I'm not exactly
an expert on the '60s.
NINA: Yeah,
we were born in '66.
IRIS: You were born in '66?
Yeah, so we don't
remember a whole lot.
God!
I remember everything.
Unfortunately, so do I.
Cheese puff?
No. No, thanks.
Cholesterol.
(CLAIRE COUGHS)
I just immediately assume that
anyone that was even alive in the '60s
went to Woodstock
and wore love beads.
Oh, John went to Woodstock.
Really?
Did you really?
Were you there?
I was there, yeah.
My mother wouldn't
allow me to go.
She didn't think there
would be enough toilets.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Your mom was right.
Well, I have a Jimi Hendrix
album. Does that count?
CLAIRE: You do?
Jimi always counts.
He was great.
Janis, Joe Cocker.
Yeah, but the best group
of the '60s by far,
very obscure,
urban shit kickers,
Willy and the Saddlesores.
John.
You're kidding.
CHUCK: Willy and
the Saddlesores?
Very much an anti-war slant.
John.
Willy and the Saddlesores?
I wish the bombs
were cow dung Frisbees
I wish the bullets
were made of straw
I wish soldiers
trained on whiskey
LEO: And war was against
the law Against the law
So put out my
"do not disturb" sign
Put my boots beside my bed
Wake me when it's over
Ain't no sleepin' when
you're dead When you're dead
BOTH: So when the old
mother lovers on the earth
Fight their battles
on their own
And we'll all party
for all we're worth
Flipping Nixon
the big old bone
BOTH: Yes!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Tricky Dicks. '68, '69.
Queens Boulevard.
Unbelievable!
You were there?
Do you... The waitress.
I know what you were...
The waitress.
The waitress. The waitress.
Yeah.
Hair down to here.
With the tattoo.
With the tattoo.
What did the tattoo say?
What was her name?
What did it say on the
tattoo? What was it?
"I take no prisoners."
She's right.
You're right.
You knew her?
We didn't exactly meet.
(CHUCKLING) I knew her.
(BOTH WHISPERING)
Those... Those days are
long gone now, I tell you.
You know, it's time... You
gotta get past, you know...
Tattoos?
Tattoos and, you know...
You grow up. I
grew up. I got a job.
Makin' toys. Makin'
toys, yeah. That's right.
Keeping in mind that
our theme is the '60s,
let's start with decorations.
Yeah, I could use
some suggestions.
Claire?
Okay.
Any suggestions?
Come on.
Okay, what do we do...
We decorate the auditorium
with, what, like
war protest signs?
That's a colorful idea.
War pro...
I mean...
Yeah.
What about...
Why the worst times?
Why don't we...
Why not the best?
Best day of the '60s.
Best day of the
'60s. No contest.
October 16, 1969.
Bottom of the ninth, Davey
Johnson batting for the Orioles.
Baseball.
Baseball.
He lines one to left.
He lines one...
MEN: Back, back, back,
back, back, back, back.
No, no, no, no, Cleon
Jones is under it!
MEN: And the Mets
have won the World Series!
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Time out, time out.
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.
I got a piece of
baseball trivia for you.
Okay, which famous world leader
once tried out
for the Washington Senators?
George Bush.
Wrong.
Uh... Eisenhower.
Eisenhower.
No, I did not say it had
to be an American leader.
Fidel Castro.
Fidel...
LEO: That's right.
Is she right?
That is right.
No! How did you know that?
On the nosey.
Very good.
NINA: You're kidding.
That's right?
Yeah. I still have
a few tricks up my sleeve.
Well, back to business.
Yeah. Great idea.
I hate to bring it up.
I'm sure you're wondering.
Can I... I just wanna
go check the score. No.
I know.
I'm not gonna watch.
I'm just gonna...
Look at the score.
Okay. Bye.
See you tomorrow.
The Mets are... The
Mets are a half game out.
Where are you going?
(STUTTERING) It's right here.
IRIS: John? CHUCK:
They got a man on second.
(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING ON TV)
Oh, work with me, John.
I'm workin' with you.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Well, meeting adjourned.
What is this?
Some weird genetic encoding.
They get the baseball,
we get the dishes?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Oh,
what's the worst day of the year?
Super Bowl Sunday.
Right.
Or World Series...
LEO: Two weeks from today,
our house.
CLAIRE: (SHOUTING)
He'll do the cooking!
Fine with me.
Great.
LUCY: Bye!
CLAIRE: Bye!
Hold it, sweetheart.
I want to go up with you.
I want to talk to your mother.
She's not home.
(STUTTERING) What
do you mean she's not?
You're walking into
an empty apartment?
I do every day.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yes.
Well, why didn't you
tell me? I really...
Speak of the devil.
Okay, sweetheart.
You wait here. I want to
talk to your mother, okay?
Then talk to her.
Madeleine.
What do you want, Leo?
Madeleine, I was hoping that
maybe we could switch weekends.
Oh, Leo! Come on, I
have a business thing.
A business thing?
What million-dollar
scheme is it this time?
A talking jump-rope, a
battery-operated hula-hoop?
Madeleine... Lucy, would
you go upstairs please?
MADELEINE: Lucy,
do whatever you want.
You think you can be a
father at your convenience.
Well, it's not that easy, Leo.
Look, I'm doing the best
that I can, okay?
I love this kid more
than I love breathing.
So, don't you even insinuate
that I'm not a good father, okay?
Your child was about to
walk into an empty apartment.
Lucy, go upstairs.
No, you stay right here.
I've bust my ass providing
for everything my child needs.
Like tuition to that
fancy private school.
Like tuition to that
fancy private school.
That's right. It's the
best school in the city.
But, you can't afford it, Leo!
Who are you trying to impress?
Some rich bitch
socialite princess?
LEO: I'm not trying to
impress anybody, okay?
What I really want to
give her, I cannot.
Which is a mother
and a father in love
living under the same roof.
So, I buy her things
instead, okay?
Your jealousy
is quite unbecoming.
Jealousy?
Yes.
Is that what you
think this is? Yes.
Try anger.
Try rage. Try disgust.
Come on, Lucy.
Lucy...
Congratulate me.
Everson's sending me
to close the London deal.
How come you're going?
Come on, Chuck, buddy, pal.
You have got to scrape
the cow dung off your shoes
and get with the program.
Aardvark.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Charles Bishop for
George Mullaney, please.
Mr. Mullaney,
it's Chuck Bishop.
(LAUGHING)
Right, the new lion-tamer.
Mr. Mullaney, how's about we
make some money together today?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Come in.
Miss Foster sent me here
because she hates me.
Did she...
Did she say that?
She didn't have to.
I can tell.
How can you tell?
Because she treats me
like my bitch stepmother.
How... How's that?
(SIGHS)
She treats me like
I'm not even there.
Or like I'm only there
when it's convenient for her.
Like I'm a dog or something.
How do you treat
your stepmother?
I don't treat her
like anything. I hate her.
Right.
That makes sense.
What does your father
think about all that?
He thinks it's just a
stage I'm going through.
I guess he just can't admit
this is actually my personality.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLING)
MAN: New York City Events.
Yeah.
IRIS: Yeah. Well, Frankie,
that's all very well and good.
But I have to get those
bleachers down by Tuesday,
because they got to be up in
Staten Island by Wednesday.
Yeah?
Can't you get someone to
donate a truck or something?
Okay, all right. Now, look,
I'll see what I can do. Okay?
I'll call you back.
Bye.
Read it and weep.
No six months' reviews.
No raises.
No bonuses? Oh, God.
Sorry, bubeleh.
Our neighbors would rather
have air-conditioned subways.
What about the quality of life?
I mean, where would the city be
without its theaters,
its ballets, its museums.
Hey, hey, hey, you don't
have to convince me.
But you can't get
blood from a turnip.
IRIS: John, we've talked
about this.
We've agreed that the most
valuable investment we can make
is in the education
of our children.
Bullshit.
You're fooling yourself, Iris.
You can't get blood
from a stone.
Yeah? Well, you can't
get it from a turnip either.
We're at the end
of the line here.
I think we should
discuss tuition.
That is not negotiable.
Well, lots of kids
go to public school.
Yeah, well, lots of kids
have hand guns, too.
(EXHALES)
You're sounding very elitist.
Whatever happened to
changing the system from within?
That was for us. We're
talking about our children here.
Well, maybe our children
should have a more realistic view
of life in the big city.
I'm innocent!
Do you hear?
I'm old Pop Corn!
I... I'm a Colonel.
You can't do this to me!
IRIS: John, even
you have to admit
that Brampton has the best
science department in the city.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hear they got the best
athletic fields, too. Yeah.
So, boys, how's school today?
BOTH: Okay.
Yeah? Well, what are
you studying now?
Mot much.
(SIGHS) Could you be
a little more specific?
I think if you really think
hard enough...
Well, in history class,
we're studying the '60s.
You're studying the '60s
in history?
You mean I'm that old?
Well, I told my teacher that you
were at Woodstock. She freaked out.
You were like a total
hippie, right, Dad?
Oh, total.
George Washington and I used
to hang around the village together.
God, you remember the
Fillmore? I wish they'd reopen it.
Hey, your mother
was a hippie, too.
Did you guys ever drop acid?
Never.
We never took drugs
in our lives.
What a pretty neighborhood.
CHUCK: Claire can
afford the best.
NINA: Hmm.
There's John and Iris.
(RINGS DOORBELL)
Hey!
You beat us.
We already tried downstairs.
So, now we're gonna
try upstairs.
Hello.
You must be Leo's daughter.
CLAIRE: Lucy dear,
bring our guests inside.
Hi.
Hi.
This is lovely.
JOHN: Sure isn't
rent-controlled.
LEO: Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Hi.
Welcome, welcome.
Hi.
Ah-ha, the guest of honor.
It's rhubarb custard.
I hope it goes.
CLAIRE: Come in, everybody.
It goes with everything.
Don't worry about it.
Lucy, you wanna lead the way?
Did everybody meet
Lucy, my daughter?
This is John and Iris Morden.
JOHN: Hi, Lucy.
And that's Chuck
and Nina Bishop.
You know Nina works
at your school?
Um, no.
There you are. Welcome.
Welcome, everyone.
Lucy love, take the pie
to the kitchen.
Come in, come in.
Oh.
I didn't know they had
fireplaces in New York.
This barn has seven.
That's why I bought it.
I was going for chateau.
But next time.
I think I'll have to have a penthouse
on the river, all black and white.
You know, Fred Astaire
meets Aubrey Beardsley.
How could you ever
leave this place? Really.
I'm not married to it.
It's just a place
to hang your hat.
I hope everybody is hungry.
The round ones are lobster
and the triangles are crab meat.
Oh, I haven't had lobster
in ages. Thank you.
Leo, you're brilliant.
This is great.
Mmm. You've got
real talent, Leo.
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, I helped, too,
didn't I, honey?
I minced, I chopped.
And you whisked.
You're a wizard with a whisk.
Yes, well,
it is all in the wrist.
(CHUCKLING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Um, what is this?
Oh, that's potato koogla.
Kugel.
Kugel.
Leo's mother's giving
me cooking lessons.
But, everyone, please,
let's sit down.
We have two Italian wines.
I like the white, but Leo
thinks it tastes like piss,
so there's red, too.
Lucy darling, come sit by me.
I'm not hungry.
LEO: You're not hungry?
I made all your favorites.
You're not getting
sick, are you?
Um, yeah, I am.
My stomach hurts and...
Maybe you should
go lay down. Okay!
Wanna go upstairs?
Lucy.
I'll be up in a minute
to tuck you in.
Lucy. Say good night
to everybody.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
ALL: Good night.
JOHN: Good night.
She's adorable, Leo.
She looks just like you.
Thank you.
She's his pride and joy.
She's a delight.
It's nice you get along so well.
This is a great
fabric, Claire. Yeah.
How did you ever decide?
Diego sends Nina
20 swatches a day.
None of them look like this.
No.
Just don't get anything nubby.
Nubby.
CLAIRE: Nothing nubby.
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, seriously, I met
Claire crossing the street.
Seriously. He was crossing
the street. I was in my car.
And I almost ran over him.
My divorce papers came
through that day, you know.
Not that I wasn't happy.
It's just... It was
kind of, you know...
An emotional day for me.
So, here's this very attractive
man in a well-cut suit,
crossing the street crying.
He didn't see the light.
I slammed my brakes on
so hard, my airbag went off.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
So, I hear these
brakes squeal, I look up.
For a split second, I see
this Shiksa goddess in the car.
The next thing I know, there's
a big balloon in front of her.
You pulled the car over.
I was shaking, he was crying.
You know...
But here's the most
amazing thing.
There was a parking meter
right there.
Do you believe that?
In New York.
Oh.
LEO: A sign from God.
So, we went, we had a
drink to settle our nerves.
So, we got married.
And then we got married.
What else do you do?
Well, sort of, you know.
Well, we found a parking
spot together. First, yeah.
First, we got the
parking spot. So, yeah.
So, I marry anybody that,
you know, had a parking spot.
Yeah.
We met in a barn.
No.
Call of the wild?
(HOWLS)
It was in 4-H camp.
Yeah.
Well, they start early in Iowa.
Well, yeah. Technically,
we did have our first date
when we were eight years old.
Eight years old.
I assume you didn't
go all the way.
(LAUGHING) Hardly.
I didn't even like him then.
Mmm-hmm.
He thought he was so cool.
I had a crush on her.
I called you Stuck-up Chuck.
Oh, you didn't pull
any punches, did you?
The kids used to hang
around this barn at 4-H camp.
And we'd walk down there and...
(WHISPERING) You're
not gonna tell them. Don't.
We'd watch and we'd wait
for the animals to do it.
Don't! Oh, God!
Isn't it true?
Amazing.
And then we started dating.
That's a great story.
Gross.
How'd you guys meet?
BOTH: Yeah, how'd you meet?
No.
No.
Come on, come on.
Yeah.
Well... Hey... John
and I met in jail.
What?
(JOHN AND IRIS LAUGHING)
End of story.
No, come on,
we have to tell 'em.
After all, they told us.
Well, see, there was this
student protest going on.
Hey.
Skip the gory details, will you?
Well, I mean, it's
the truth. It's the truth.
So, anyway, I go down
there and it's a great place.
You can meet other people
and end the war at the same time.
And I happened to be in the
right place at the right time.
Yeah, paddy wagon.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'll get it, honey.
Saved by the bell.
Sounds romantic.
It was.
Tear gassed together
and everything.
Will you stop it?
He hates it when
I tell this story.
Leo, it's Mad Dog.
Mad Dog? LEO: Tell
her I'll call her back.
CLAIRE: No.
Excuse me.
Ease up, Claire.
I won't ease up.
She has the telephone
etiquette of a mad dog.
Lucy's wonderful,
but her mother's impossible.
She calls,
I say "hello."
She says, "Is he there?"
Like I don't exist or like
I'm a servant or something.
Red or white?
I'll stick with the piss.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
I hope you told her
to get a B-12 shot.
She doesn't play doctor
as well as you do.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
NINA: You know what?
We haven't even
talked about the festival.
Don't you think we should talk
about the festival? Oh, honey.
Absolutely right.
No, just relax.
Will you relax? No, we
have to get some work done.
Why don't we just
get together next week?
Yeah, that would be okay.
Oh, great. Great.
Next week, same time,
your place.
IRIS: We only have
one bathroom.
And our furniture,
it's so nubby.
JOHN: You're right, you
really should redecorate.
Let's see. Claire
and Leo did chateau.
Yeah.
I know! Let's do ski lodge!
Very, very funny.
We'll bring in artificial
snow. It'll be fabulous.
Oh, God, that couch
of ours is 15 years old!
It keeps my butt off the floor
when I watch the news, Iris.
You can't ask
for more than that.
You know, sometimes I just
think you enjoy torturing me!
You're torturing yourself!
Cancel the damn dinner already.
We got enough mouths to feed.
Will you stop playing
devil's advocate?
For once just be my advocate.
I just want them to like us.
Who cares if they like us?
You're being neurotic.
Oh, well, if I'm neurotic,
you're antisocial.
I'd say that
describes us perfectly.
Oh, please, I don't
want to hear anymore.
I just don't want to
talk to you anymore.
I don't care. I'm
antisocial, remember?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
What the hell were you
doing at my father's house?
Lucy, I'm sorry.
I had no idea Leo and
Claire were your parents.
Leo's my father!
Claire isn't anything!
She doesn't care about me.
You saw what a bitch she is.
I saw two people having a
hard time relating to each other.
Two people?
(SIGHS) You mean
you think it's my fault.
No.
You know, people can't always
react the way you want them to
or need them to.
Sometimes they get busy
or distracted
and you need to
make a special effort.
You gotta try a little
to make a difference.
Forget it.
Lucy, nobody's perfect.
Look, maybe you could
help Claire.
Yeah, think of something that
the two of you could do together.
Something fun, you know.
Something you'd enjoy, too.
Can you think of anything?
I don't know.
Try meeting her halfway.
She might surprise you.
Okay?
Okay, Lucy, what do you say?
What do you wanna do tonight?
I have a fabulous idea, okay?
We get all dressed up, go to
some really fancy restaurant
and just order
desserts for dinner.
Oh, that's all I need.
Well, what about this?
We eat a lot of desserts
and then make ourselves
throw up.
Ooh! That's a good idea!
I like that.
I like that.
I've got it.
Let's go roller-skating.
There's that new place
down in Soho.
It's a private club, but
I'm sure I can get us in.
Doesn't open
till 11:00 though.
I hate roller-skating.
Okay, how about
we just go home, huh?
Good movie on the tube tonight.
Fine.
If you two are hungry, why
don't you order something?
I'll just make an espresso.
Lucy, the sleeves on this
are a little short.
Would you like to have it?
I hate red. Only
tramps wear red.
Then why don't you give
it to your mother?
Why don't you give it
to your maid?
She's a Communist.
She doesn't wear leather.
Showtime, 90 seconds.
I'll call the couch.
You coming?
Any other child would kill
to have that jacket.
And would be thrilled
to go roller-skating.
I can't reach her.
And she's got you
in the palm of her hand.
She's 13 years old.
I want 5,000
at three-quarters. No!
No, the bid's at
five-eights, seven-eights.
I... I want it.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Great.
Charles Bishop?
Yes, sir.
What can I do for you?
You can come with us.
You're under arrest.
Stand up, please,
Mr. Bishop.
Leo!
What?
Look at this.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Yes, I've seen it.
I haven't read it yet.
Oh, it says here he was
taken away in handcuffs.
Thank God he's out on bail.
What did they get him on?
Stock parking.
Stock parking?
Stock parking.
You're kidding!
It says he masterminded
the whole thing.
Listen, I can't listen to both of
you. He was buying back stock.
I'll call you right back
as soon as I've read it.
Oh, okay, okay.
Listen, I'm gonna call Nina.
Okay? Bye.
(GRUNTS)
It's busy.
Why don't you eat your
breakfast and forget about it?
Chuck is led away in chains,
you want me to forget about it?
That's what happens
when you break the law.
You mean you think he's guilty?
I didn't say that. I haven't
heard all the evidence yet.
Oh, well, what are you,
Oliver Wendell Holmes?
I believe in due process of law.
Oh, yeah? Well, I believe
in standing by your friends.
You hardly know the man.
Yeah? Well, I know
all I need to know.
(DIALING)
(GRUNTS)
Terrible picture of Nina.
Talk about yellow journalism.
(SIGHS)
Think he did it?
Oh, I don't know, Leo.
We all have our price.
And it's usually not too high.
The price you pay
for stock parking is high.
Bishop could receive
heavy fines and imprisonment
for violating the SEC's rules
that a purchase of over five percent
of a company must be disclosed.
The defendant is charged
with organizing a network of...
Why are they picking on you?
You haven't even been convicted yet.
Do you think I'm capable
of committing a crime?
Oh, no, sweetie, no.
But they do.
(MUFFLED) Oh, my God!
It's on TV!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
All I meant was
you have to remain calm.
(RINGS)
(GROANS)
Leave us alone!
Oh, Nina.
Oh, come on.
Honey, you just must be going
through hell, you poor thing!
Oh, you could say that, yeah.
Well, oh, listen, I just called to
say is there anything we could do?
I mean anything at all. I
mean we're all in this together.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
But I've got to go.
Oh, no. I understand. Now I want
you to call me anytime. I mean it.
Four o'clock in the morning,
wake me up, I don't care.
I do.
Okay, well, bye.
(SIGHS)
She feels sorry for me.
I hate it when people
feel sorry for me.
Jesus.
What if he is guilty?
(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)
Okay, now.
What?
This... Okay, you're
gonna go to work...
(PHONE RINGING)
I'm not gonna go to work.
You're gonna go
to work and I'm...
I mean, by the time
you get home from work
I'm gonna have this whole
mess straightened out.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hi.
Mr. Carrera wants us to
pick up six chairs and a table.
(STUTTERS)
Excuse me. There
must be a mistake.
I'm just gonna call him, okay?
Uh, hello.
Diego Carrera, please.
This is Nina Bishop.
Yes, Mrs. Charles Bishop.
I need to talk to him.
It's really important.
I got his signature.
I just need yours. Here.
They're taking my furniture.
Oh. Thanks a lot.
(SIGHING)
Hey, have a nice day.
Thank you.
CHUCK: Jeremy!
Hey, hey. Jeremy.
What's going on? I can't even
get Petersen on the phone.
Under advice of counsel, I
am unable to discuss the case.
You gave me that tip.
I gave you dozens of tips.
But I never told you
to break the law.
You did that on your own.
I didn't. Come on,
Jeremy, just talk to me.
I'm trying to figure this out.
Jeremy!
I thought we were friends.
(SCOFFS) Guys like you, you
don't need friends. You need lawyers.
I had a client who did
the same thing you did.
We'll plea-bargain down to a
lesser charge. Maybe a fine.
(LAUGHING)
Wait a second.
I didn't do anything.
Of course you didn't.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
MAN: No, band practice
is downstairs today.
Band practice is downstairs.
Thought we had an
appointment last week.
Look, your advice sucks.
I tried to be nice to Claire,
but she wasn't interested.
How'd that make you feel?
Oh, cut the shrink crap.
Why can't you admit that sometimes
it doesn't matter how hard you try?
Some people
just aren't worth it.
I need a $25,000 retainer, and I
can guarantee you never go to trial.
(SIGHS) No,
I want to go to trial.
I'm not afraid to go to trial.
Look, Charles...
Can I call you Charlie?
I wish you wouldn't.
Mom, I'm starving.
Did you empty the wastebaskets?
You owe me 50 cents, but I
think I deserve a cost of living raise.
Absolutely. You'll get
one when I get one.
What's with the furniture?
Yeah, well, I thought it
made the room look bigger.
Yeah, for a second there, I
thought I was in the astrodome.
Mom?
Yeah.
When are we gonna eat?
Well, you guys can eat now.
Your father and I are
having a dinner party.
Oh, shit, that's tonight?
Can't we get out of it?
They're our friends.
We can't get out of it.
What friends?
Actually, you sort of
know one couple.
Their daughter, well, his
daughter goes to Brampton.
Her name is Lucy Rothenberg.
Lucy Rothenberg
is coming here tonight?
Oh, so you do know her.
Know her?
He loves her.
I do not. I hate her
guts. She's a total bitch.
Hey, watch that vocabulary.
Well, she's not coming, her father
is. Here, give me a hand with this.
What if her father
sees this place?
Then he'll know we're poor.
My life is ruined.
Trust me. Your life
will get much worse.
In last year's spelling bee,
I finished in third place,
and I'm also interested
in political sciences
like my father was before me.
I'm named after
Martin Luther King, Jr.
And my brother Kenny, he was
named after the Kennedys in general.
Don't you guys have homework
to do? Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Dad, come on.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
How's Chuck holding up?
Oh, he's fine.
He's really fine.
We're fine.
We're really fine.
Is there anything I can do?
Oh, check on what's burning.
Something in the kitchen...
What?
(GASPS) Oh, excuse me.
Oh, my goodness. John!
John!
What the hell is it?
I know you didn't do
it, Chuck. I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.
You know I didn't?
Yes, I do.
How do you know that?
Because you told me
you didn't do it.
No, I knew you didn't do it
before you told me
you didn't do it.
You did?
Yes, I did.
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't, Chuck.
Thank you. Thank you
for knowing that.
Geez, he looks like shit.
What'd you expect him
to look like?
Bad, but not like shit.
Nina doesn't look
so hot herself.
She looks bad, but not
like shit. He looks like shit.
What you really need, what
you really need is a good lawyer.
(SIGHING) Good lawyer?
Now, that's an oxymoron for you.
I didn't do it, John.
I know you didn't.
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't do it.
He didn't do it.
I know.
I hope you don't mind my asking.
But are you guys okay for money?
Sure.
Because if I can help...
(CHUCKLES)
Don't cry.
I won't.
Don't cry.
I won't.
(CRYING)
Too late.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'd make these
offers more often
if people didn't
keep going wet on me.
Thanks.
Silly.
So what do you think?
Did he do it?
I don't know.
What do you think?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
I think maybe.
I think maybe, too.
that they can
get you off.
Right. Yeah.
(CHATTERING CONTINUES)
The important thing
is not to give up.
Well, I'm trying not to.
You guys have all
been so wonderful.
Helpful and supportive.
Oh, come on.
What are friends for?
JOHN: Very original, Iris.
Oh, God, she's gonna cry again.
(SIGHS) I am not.
It's moments like these
when I really miss the '60s.
This is a perfect time
for recreational drugs.
Hmm?
CHUCK: (CHUCKLES) I
smoked pot once in my life.
I heaved all over
my friend Eddie.
Well, drugs are an escape
you don't need.
As long as you have
a good lawyer.
Ah! I don't think
there is such a thing.
What about Sol Chamberlain?
Forget it.
Who's Sol Chamberlain?
He's a brilliant lawyer who happens
to be a very dear friend of ours.
Who we haven't seen for years!
IRIS: Well, he's
a brilliant lawyer!
Yeah, he defends the oppressed.
Widows and orphans.
Yuppies rights aren't
exactly Sol's cup of tea.
I thought we were
all created equal.
Chuck's right. Yuppies
are people, too.
Well, put that
on a T-shirt, Iris.
They'll sell like hotcakes
down on Wall Street.
Be cool, John.
Here's his number.
Everybody's innocent.
Innocence isn't worth shit.
What matters is
who the judge is.
If he's getting laid,
if he's got hemorrhoids from sitting
in that hard chair all these years,
a lot of variables.
But that's not fair.
You vote for Reagan?
Yes, sir. He had a very
strong foreign policy,
created a healthy economy.
Oh.
Look, the point is,
I haven't broken any laws.
There's a difference
between the law and justice.
A guy doesn't pay his rent.
He gets evicted.
That's the law.
But if he didn't pay his rent
because he doesn't have the
education to get a decent job
so that he could earn the money,
or didn't have a family
where there was a role model
to give him that self-esteem that he
needs to just function in this society.
Is that justice?
Look, are you gonna
represent me or not?
They're gonna audit your taxes.
They're gonna go over
your credit cards.
They're gonna examine
your phone bill.
They're gonna subpoena
your high school yearbook
to see if you've got any
subversive autographs.
No, that's all fine.
But you believe I'm not guilty.
Mr. Bishop, if you were
smart enough to be guilty,
you sure as hell
wouldn't hire me.
I'm glad that
Mr. Chamberlain's nice.
I don't want a nice lawyer,
honey. I want a nice dentist.
But mean lawyers are too
expensive. Even this guy's not free.
Well, Daddy always said you
gotta spend money to make money.
That's great, honey. Your father
never made a penny in his life.
(EXHALING)
I know.
Speaking of money.
(HESITANTLY)
I was thinking that
until we get this whole
mess straightened out,
that I should start
seeing private patients.
(SIGHS)
I put my name on a
referral list and I've...
I've already got some calls.
I don't want you
working overtime.
Chuck, we can hardly
pay the electric bill.
I've already cut back as much as I
can on groceries and dry-cleaning.
Anyway, kind of nice to have
my own private patients here.
Here? Nina, look at this place.
You can't have people here.
Iris is gonna help me fix it up.
IRIS: Where?
NINA: Right here.
Right here?
Right here.
Right here?
Yes.
Ugh!
Iris! Iris!
Iris!
Oh, be careful.
You see anything good?
A door.
A door?
What do we need a door for?
Your desk.
All we need now
is a couple of sawhorses.
Look at her. She thinks
she's in Bloomingdale's.
Ah!
Thanks, guys.
Take care, ma'am.
(LAUGHING)
You crazy driver.
(CLAIRE HOOTS)
I dated a construction
worker once.
Yeah?
Yeah.
(GIGGLES)
He had these
fabulously tanned arms.
But when he took his
T-shirt off, he was pure white.
Fortunately,
his purity ended there.
(CHUCKLES) I can't imagine
you with a construction worker.
Well, that was during
my experimental phase.
(SIGHING) I was just out of
grad school. I had a few bucks.
It was like there was no limit
to what you could do.
Everything was freer,
exciting, full of possibilities.
Remember those days, Iris?
Vaguely.
There were men everywhere.
'Course, that was before
the days of safe sex
and Dalkon Shield
class action suit.
Back then, it was easier
to fuck somebody
than to explain
why you didn't feel like it.
(SIGHS) Well, maybe
I'm too romantic.
But I like being
with just Chuck.
Oh, there's nothing
like monogamy.
Oh, I agree completely.
That was then, this is now.
This is the way
it's supposed to be.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
(MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH MOANING)
(DOOR BANGING)
(BOYS CHATTERING)
KENNY:
Hey, you snot hair!
MARTY: There's no such thing
as a snot hair, you dork.
Okay, come on, come on.
KENNY: I'm telling
Mom! Scumface!
MARTY: Go ahead,
dog breath.
(DOG BARKING)
KENNY: I'm sorry
you were even born.
MARTY:
Well, I was born first.
(MOANING LOUDLY)
Ooh!
(BOTH PANTING)
Shit.
(CHUCKLES)
Who'd have thought
you could make all that
with just a couple of bedsheets.
Yeah.
Iris is a genius.
I thought Mom's sewing
machine was gonna give out.
I had such a hard time
with the gathering at the top.
Nina, it looks great. How
many times do I have to tell you?
Well, I'm glad I finished in
time for my first private patient.
Should be here in,
oh God, 10 minutes!
What are you gonna do?
I have to research these
security fraud cases Sol gave me.
I don't... I don't think
it'll do any good, but...
Chuck, this is supposed
to be my office.
Can't you read in the park, or
coffee shop, or... It's only for an hour.
I have to leave?
(SIGHS)
Well, we need privacy.
You can't stay here. I mean,
we can't work in the bathroom.
It's $75 an hour. And
we can't live on my salary.
Oh, thank you, yes,
thank you. I'm a dead beat.
Why don't you...
Have you told the neighbors?
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hi.
Can you... Can you have her...
Just hold on a second, please.
Chuck.
This is great.
This is really supportive.
As if I don't have
enough to worry about.
Now my own wife is throwing
me out of my own house.
Come on!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Hi. Send her up,
please. Thanks.
(CHILDREN PLAYING)
Quiet! Class! Class!
Today we are very fortunate to have
someone who was an eyewitness to history.
Someone who actually
attended Woodstock.
Mr. John Morden.
(CLEARING THROAT)
No applause, please.
(CHUCKLES).
What is this?
JOHN: I thought
I'd start today
by having you
ask me some questions.
I know that's usually
saved for the end,
but the whole idea of Woodstock
was to change the rules, right?
So...
Come on.
Anybody.
Don't be shy.
Mr. Morden, did all
the girls go topless?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey.
Yeah, some of them did.
It was pretty warm.
Did everyone take drugs?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Some of them did.
Some people did.
(STUTTERING)
But you know...
I think you guys have the
wrong idea about Woodstock.
Or at least you have just a
partial idea of the whole thing.
See, Woodstock wasn't
just a big, giant party.
I mean, you have to remember
that this country was at war then.
An unjust war that was being
run by a psychopathic maniac
who was manipulating
the Vietnamese people
because of his own twisted macho
idea of what America should be.
On the weekend
of the Woodstock festival,
there was over 500,000
troops in Vietnam.
And most of these
were poor minorities
because they didn't have rich
fathers to buy their way out of the draft.
Excuse me, Mr. Morden.
Eh? Oh, sorry.
We were hoping that you
would emphasize, shall we say,
the more sociological
aspects of Woodstock.
You know, the music, the
idea of tie-dye as folk art.
Oh, oh, all that was just a
reaction to the political climate.
I mean Nixon was totally
off his rocker!
I'm talking paranoid
schizophrenic!
Mr. Morden?
Okay?
We are covering this historical
confrontation in my class.
Yeah, sorry.
Why don't you share with us
some of your personal experiences?
Perhaps a humorous anecdote.
Well, there's nothing humorous about
watching body bags lined up on the 6:00 news.
I mean, if your choice
of role models
is between Richard Nixon
and Jimi Hendrix,
it's not a difficult
decision to make.
Our country was
bombing hospitals, okay?
Thank you, Mr. Morden.
I think that...
And I think you should
give these kids the truth!
Not some watered-down
version of revisionist history.
Mr. Morden, look,
this is my classroom
and I think that you
should leave! Please?
He went crazy, Mom,
you should've seen the guy.
I mean, it's like
he had an acid flashback.
That's funny.
That's very funny.
Everybody's talking about him,
even the kids
that weren't there.
You guys are getting so
excited. Just calm down.
You know your dad. He
gets a little bit carried away
when he cares about something.
He'll be home in a minute
and we can all talk about...
Come on, Mom.
I mean, the guy...
Oh, look, look. He's
here, he's here now.
Come on.
Let's go talk to him.
Let's go, come on. Come
on, Fenno, let's all talk to him.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Dad.
Dinner in 20 minutes.
Turkey parmesan.
Oh, go ahead, eat without me.
I'm pretty tired.
I'm gonna lie down.
Sure.
NEWSCASTER: New evidence in
the Merotan stock parking case today,
appears to be bad news
for defendant, Charles Bishop.
Prosecutors revealed that
only days before his indictment,
Bishop purchased two
first-class tickets to Geneva
and they are pressuring
Swiss authorities
to determine if Bishop had
set up a numbered bank account
where he could hide profits
from the alleged scam.
(TURNS OFF TV)
Didn't you hear that?
It was bound to come
out sooner or later.
I told Sol.
Why didn't you tell me?
Look, this case
is very complicated.
(STUTTERING) I can't remember
to explain every detail to you.
Chuck...
I bought those tickets,
it was an anniversary present.
It was supposed to
be a surprise.
I don't want surprises.
Chuck, it's... It's only fair
you tell me what's going on.
You haven't told me anything.
It's like I'm not even here.
Nina, please stop it!
I'm just trying to protect you!
Right.
This isn't going to work.
You're changing the terms.
You're absolutely
right, Charles.
I am changing the
terms and here's why.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Excuse me, Miss Laurent, it's
your husband. He said it's urgent.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Leo, what is it?
Listen, I was supposed to
pick up Lucy 10 minutes ago.
I've got some buyers here that
are inches away from a major sale.
No problem. That way she can spend some more
quality time with her biological mother.
I've gotta go.
She's not at home.
She's at her friend, Tiffany's,
and they're going out to the
theater, and Lucy has to be picked up.
First of all, she has no business
associating with anyone named Tiffany,
and second of all, what am
I supposed to do about it?
I thought maybe you could
get her on the way home.
Home? Leo,
I'm in the middle...
Give me her address,
I'll take care of it.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
The address!
Where are we going?
38 East, 69th street, miss.
(SIGHS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Just buy a brand new pair
of Fred Astaire shoes
Climbing to the top
never gonna stop
It's the same old song
and one, two, three
And dec-a-dance
Dance Dance
Dance Dance
Dancing to the decadence
Dance
Everybody decadancing
Um, sir?
I need to make a stop first.
Can you take me
to the Statue of Liberty?
Yeah. I'm doing
a report for school.
Well, attagirl.
You know the value
of a good education.
It's hard to stop once
the music gets started
CLAIRE: What did you expect
me to do? Drop everything?
A limousine
is no place for a kid.
Caroline Kennedy
grew up in a limousine,
and she turned out
perfectly fine.
This is serious, Claire.
She's probably with Madeleine.
You're not mad about the limo,
you're just mad because you
have to call that bitch and explain.
No. What I'm mad about is that
I asked you to do me a favor...
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, it's me.
Is Lucy there?
Oh...
No, look.
There was a little mix-up.
It... Calm...
Madeleine, calm down.
Look, Madeleine,
I am upset, too!
Hang up.
I'll call the limo service.
We'll straighten this out. I'll...
I'll call you back. Okay? Yeah.
Thanks.
Hi.
You okay?
(WHIMPERING) I
didn't know where to go.
You wanna come
upstairs and talk?
(SIGHS)
I don't need to talk anymore.
I just need you.
Oh...
(SOBBING)
Come here.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
I can be your friend.
I can listen.
But I can't fix it.
Okay.
Where's my baby?
LUCY: Daddy.
Come here.
She's been drinking.
Daddy, help me.
It's okay, sweetheart. I
tried to give her some milk.
You're with daddy now.
Thank you, Nina.
Okay.
It's okay, honey, you're home.
If you need anything else,
just give me a call.
So I guess you think
I'm a real witch, right?
Driving that poor child
to the bottle?
No. I know how
difficult it is
to deal with a child
that's so hard to reach.
No, you don't know
how difficult it is, Nina!
I've really tried
to win her over.
But she's so sullen and
arrogant and manipulative.
She's a little girl,
not a grown-up woman.
(CHUCKLES)
When I was her age,
I never heard
the word "divorce."
I didn't know the world
could blow up at any minute.
My biggest problem was
cheerleading try-outs.
Every night I went to sleep
feeling safe and secure.
Lucy's never had that.
But it wasn't my fault.
It's nobody's fault.
It's just the way it is.
I've got a cleaver in my hand.
Are you sure you want to
have this discussion now?
There is no discussion.
This isn't working.
Throw in another egg yolk.
I'm talking about our
marriage. It isn't working.
Of course it's working. We're
having an argument, that's all.
It's called a fight.
I want out, Leo.
You want out? You want out?
Huh, just like that you want out?
I'm sorry, Leo.
You gotta be more willing
to bend, Claire. That's all.
This is not fun.
Yeah? Well, marriage
isn't all fun. You know that?
Remember, for better or
worse, in sickness and in health.
You know, once, just once I'd like
to have a plain, old weekend with you
where we didn't go
to some glamorous resort,
didn't hang out with the right
people, drink champagne,
and desperately try to fuck
our brains out on satin sheets.
There was no gun at your head.
You know, I would like to spend 48
miserable hours with you one weekend.
That's all. Then get
into bed, have lousy sex,
wake up in the morning,
and then get on with my day
without having to worry
whether or not I impressed you,
whether or not
you had a good time,
whether or not
I was good enough for you!
Marriage isn't just fun!
Well, this one sure isn't!
I'm sick of suffering because
you and Mad Dog fucked up.
How about a little
respect for my feelings
instead of jumping through hoops
for the other women in your life?
I married you,
not your excess baggage.
Excess baggage?
Lucy, my daughter...
My daughter, excess baggage?
I'm not talking about Lucy,
I'm talking about the situation!
Who the hell do you think
you are? Queen Claire?
Your Highness?
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
My daughter comes with me!
I didn't mean
your daughter, okay?
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
Okay.
My daughter comes with me,
okay? That's part of the bargain.
I know that, Leo.
It's no bargain.
Oh, my God, Claire and Leo...
Are getting a divorce.
But why?
They seemed so happy!
Yeah, I can't figure it either.
(SIGHING) I'm sure
they had hot sex.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hot sex! What's that
supposed to mean?
You know what it means, Iris.
It hasn't been that long.
(GASPS)
You really think sex
is the most important thing
to keep a marriage together?
Of course not! People
split up for a lot of reasons.
Lousy sex is just one of them.
Oh, I hadn't realized
you were such an expert!
Huh, you don't have to be an
expert to make a simple observation.
It just appeared to me
that Claire and Leo had...
Satisfying
physical relationship.
Right.
Claire is a very
vivacious woman.
And...
She's got great tits!
Great tits?
What a thing to say.
A simple observation.
It is a rude and inappropriate
comment to make about a friend in pain.
Do I say, "Gee, Chuck's
a bright, interesting guy,
"and I bet he's hung
like a gorilla!"
I bet he's not.
(MOUTHING)
I'm sure they'll work it out.
People say things in anger
they don't really mean,
and you just have
to remain calm,
and talk things over sensibly.
Anything can be worked out.
Divorce is just so final.
It's so sad.
You live in a dream world,
Nina. Divorce happens every day.
Divorce is a fact of life.
LEO: Watch your step.
Now, go slow. Go slow.
JOHN: Yeah, okay.
I got it.
(MEN GRUNTING)
You all right?
Yeah.
Easy.
It's pretty pathetic, huh?
A man's whole life
fits in one little truck.
(GRUNTING) They say it's
better to have loved than lost.
Nobody likes losing.
Hey, help me with this,
will you? Come on.
Just hold it. Okay, easy.
LEO: Okay, easy, guys.
Get out of the way.
Easy, okay, easy.
(ALL GRUNTING)
That's it.
I certainly hope so.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
The smell of hot chocolate will always
remind me of Girl Scout camping trips.
(LAUGHING) We took
the boys camping once.
John stepped on a bee.
Well, that's life for ya.
Just when you think you're having
fun, something always fucks up.
(GRUNTING)
LEO: How you doin', guys?
This is the last flight. Okay?
Okay, you got it?
(JOHN COUGHING)
Just put it against the wall.
JOHN: Huh? Put it
against the wall there.
Okay.
(SIGHING)
Be it ever so humble.
CHUCK:
Well, it's sort of...
LEO: Depressing.
Well, it's small, but it's...
It's very green.
Why don't we give it
a coat of paint?
I've got time to kill.
Come on, Claire, you can't
turn your back on the fact
that we were meant
to live our life in pairs.
Yeah, sure.
Ever heard of Noah's Ark?
Ever heard of the Titanic?
No, the nuclear family
is the basis of human life,
the bond between
parent and child...
BOYS: Mom!
What?
Eric's dad wants to take us to
the hockey game... No, no, no.
He said we could stay over.
No, I don't think...
Oh, come on, Mom, please?
They even have toothbrushes!
BOYS: Please? All
right, all right, all right, go.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, okay.
I'm free!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I am free for one whole night.
Part of me wants to protect
my kid from everything.
Yeah, but you also want 'em to
be able to deal with the real world.
Yeah.
Well...
You know, my parents are alive,
but if they were dead, they
would be turning over in their grave.
They've been married 45 years,
they still sleep in the same bed.
What's this, lavender?
Yeah, that's Lucy's
favorite color.
I'll be happy if one of my kids
develops a decent jump
shot from the corner.
(LAUGHS) Pretty
low expectations.
I always wanted to have
my kids when I was young.
So we could grow up together.
I don't think we're ready.
Chuck keeps telling me
I live in a dream world.
Maybe I did,
but I'm just starting
to ask questions
about things I thought
I had answers to.
Does that make sense?
Sure.
You know, even though
I'm innocent,
there's one thing
that still bothers me.
What's that?
Well, I have to ask myself
when I think about
where I was headed,
theoretically.
If I could've gotten away
with a few million,
never gotten caught,
would I have done it?
Oh, geez! Oh, shit.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
Take it easy. Relax.
Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
Take it easy.
Painted floors are in.
Very high concept.
CLAIRE: Above all else,
I value my independence.
I don't want to
answer to anybody!
And I don't want to
set a good example.
If people don't like the
way I choose to live my life,
they can kiss my ass
in Macy's window!
I let Claire keep the silver.
It was the least I could do.
It's been in her family
for over 200 years.
(CHUCKLES) Let her sleep
with her damn silver.
See if that keeps her
warm at night.
Fuckin A.
Nobody ever plans
to get in a rut.
John and I had this, like,
you know, open relationship
which basically meant that
he slept with other women
while I pretended
to sleep with other men.
Then, his roommate
moved to Oregon.
Then I moved in
with the understanding
that we wouldn't sleep
with other people,
but we'd keep
our money separate.
Then what happened?
We got pregnant.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
A few years ago, Iris
had a lump in her breast.
She had a biopsy on Friday and we
wouldn't get the results until Monday.
I said, "Come on, we'll
do anything you want."
We'll, you know, put it on
plastic. "The sky is the limit."
She said, "No, I just
want to be normal."
Hmm.
Me, I would have gone
to London, Hong Kong.
But Iris?
Not Iris.
(ALL GIGGLING)
Thank you. We got
married on the beach.
No!
Yeah.
It was sunrise, around suns...
Oh, God, I don't remember.
But the point is we
write our own ceremony.
It's very Zen.
Oh!
It's very feminist, very
Buddhist, very Carlos Castaneda.
People did stuff
like that in those days.
Some people.
So what do you want? I was
young, I was impressionable.
(LAUGHING) Hey,
I was knocked up.
Ladies?
Another bottle of wine?
Two, please.
Oh!
Bring one at a time, please.
You know, this may sound corny.
Everything you say
sounds corny, Nina.
Come on, Claire.
Let her talk.
It's... It's easy
to make new friends,
but it's hard to make old ones.
And I feel
like we're old friends.
(CHUCKLES)
(MOCK CRYING)
Guys, I'm serious.
I don't like the ones
with all that jewelry on them.
I like that natural look. You know,
like the... See the one in the white?
CHUCK: Ooh, wow. How
old do you think she is?
She's too old for you.
She'd break you in half.
(LAUGHING)
God, sometimes I miss
being in school.
I never see my friends anymore.
I mean, it's... I don't know. I like
being married. It's just different.
(CHUCKLING)
You're never alone.
There's always someone to get
you off the phone, off the toilet.
Uh-oh.
CHUCK: New York is full of
beautiful women. It's so exciting.
Don't talk to me about
beautiful, exciting women.
Power, glamour, wealth aren't
what they're cracked up to be.
(SIGHING)
Oh.
There are exceptions.
(PHONE RINGING)
(CLAIRE ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hi, thanks for calling.
If you leave a message,
I'll call you back.
(BEEPING)
LEO: Uh, hi, it's...
(SIGHING) Boy, I hate machines.
It's me, Leo.
Your pit-bull lawyer
called me yesterday. We...
I really didn't
like his attitude.
(LEO SIGHS)
Okay, this is tough.
I can't do this on the machine.
Anyway, I told him...
I hung up on him.
So why don't you just tell
him to send the papers over.
I'll sign whatever you want
and I won't
call you anymore if...
Okay. Bye-bye.
(BEEPING)
(DIAL TONE)
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: That's
good night for Channel Three News.
Coming up next,
a United States senator is
slapped by his colleagues.
(DOOR OPENING)
This and more after sports.
Hey.
Hi.
The boys said you'd called,
but I didn't know
how late "late" was,
and then you didn't
call back, so...
Marty said you were
at a pageant meeting.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I was.
But I would've come home if I
knew you were feeling sociable.
(LAUGHS) What's that supposed
to mean? I had a drink with Leo.
Oh, a drink? My God, you
two are becoming quite an item.
It's like a nightly ritual.
You wanted me to be sociable.
We got to talking and...
Oh, did he talk about Claire?
No. Why should he?
He's put that all behind him.
He's starting a whole new life.
If you ask me, this divorce
could be a blessing in disguise.
You want a sandwich
or something?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
I ate with the kids.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
I have a staff meeting
after school today,
and I need to go to the library
to do some research
for one of my patients,
so I don't know
how late I'll be.
What about dinner?
I made a casserole.
It's in the fridge.
Three-fifty for an hour.
Looks good.
It's Iris' recipe.
Iris is so talented.
(SIGHS)
What did you say?
Iris is so talented.
Is there anything
she doesn't do?
(SCOFFS)
I've got an idea.
Why don't you fuck Iris?
(SNICKERS)
What? Cat got your tongue?
No, I've never heard you
use that word before.
Oh!
Well, I suggest
you get used to it.
'Cause I'm planning on using
it a lot more often around here.
'Cause I'm the one who
painted the fucking shelves,
and I'm the one who made
the fucking curtains.
And not only did I make that
stupid fucking casserole,
I also make your fucking
dinner every fucking night!
I'm sick and tired of doing all
the fucking work around here
while you sit around
moping all day
like you're the only fucking
person in the whole fucking world!
And I'm rushing off
to my fucking job
and you're still sitting around
in your fucking bathrobe.
So fuck you, Charles
fuckin' Bishop. Fuck you!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Come in.
Hi.
Well, I had to drop off
the new school leader list,
so I thought I'd just
drop by, I'd say hello.
Hi.
Even though my lunch hour
was over two hours ago
and the city of New York is
collapsing without my input.
So, how are you?
Fine.
Oh, wonderful.
I'm leaving Chuck.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
What? What happened?
You know how you said no
one plans on getting into a rut.
I don't know
what I'm talking about.
I say the first thing
that comes into my head.
Well, I didn't plan on
getting into this one,
but I'm sure planning
on getting out.
And Chuck won't even notice
I've gone.
Oh, Nina, he's been
through so much.
Yeah.
So have I. I'm really tired of
being his fucking cheerleader.
You can't just walk out
on a marriage just like that.
Yes, I can.
If you're not happy,
you can, too.
How can you work in a barn
near this broken-down nag?
(HORSE SNORTING)
LEO: Okay,
you pick it, juicer.
The movie of your choice.
Popcorn is on me.
We've got action, adventure,
romance, comedy, drama.
You want to laugh, cry, scream?
Personally,
I vote for screaming.
I don't care.
Well, I think you should care.
When your father is trying to
make you happy, you should care.
Why? I mean,
my opinion doesn't count.
You ask me about the stupid
things, things that don't matter.
Okay, you want me to ask you
about something that matters?
Huh? Something
that isn't stupid?
Maybe you can explain to me why
the only thing I ever wanted in my life
was to make my child happy,
give her everything good in life,
make her feel secure, and
that's the one thing I screwed up.
Make me feel happy and secure?
You say that, but you make
all the big decisions yourself.
You treat me like a baby.
And I haven't played with toys
like these since I was four years old.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, I must be out of
my goddamn mind, you know.
Okay, you want to talk like
an adult? Let's talk adult, okay?
No more TV, daddy and
daughter, all right, you know.
I feel so guilty, and I am so
afraid that you will not love me,
that I have made my own
daughter into a spoiled brat.
Oh, sure.
Everything's my fault.
No, everything
is not your fault.
Everything is my fault.
I've allowed you to become
a royal pain in the ass.
How about a little compassion?
How about a little recognition
that somebody who
loves you very, very much
is trying to do the best
that he can?
Lucy.
You're gonna have to
understand something, okay?
Whatever happens, your
mother and... Look at me, Lucy.
Your mother and I are never
going to get back together again.
Okay?
(SIGHING)
We tried. We've
wanted to, we tried.
We just... We don't get
along. We really did try.
Claire and I broke up because...
Me.
No.
It's because of me.
No, no, no. Don't say that.
Don't say that.
It's not true.
Okay, I know you didn't
like Claire, but she...
(SIGHING) She simply did not
know how to be a parent. That's all.
But believe me, I really
think that, in her own way,
she tried to do the best
that she could.
She was okay.
(SIGHING) And her house
is a lot better than this dump.
I... I just...
I just don't like it
when you're alone.
Neither do I.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Hi.
Hi. How was your day?
Actually, it was interesting.
Oh, I picked up
the dry-cleaning,
and I did the grocery shopping.
I called John.
There's a basketball team
in Harlem that needs a coach
so I thought, you know, maybe,
with all this time off,
I could help out.
Good. That could really
improve your image...
For the case, I mean.
I didn't do it
to help my image, Nina.
I did it because you were right.
Because, I mean, there are
people in the world with problems
and it felt good to stop
thinking about myself.
It must have been
a unique experience.
(SIGHING)
I made you a dinner.
Because we've been
celebrating the wrong things.
We're always celebrating first dates
and first kisses and they're important.
I just think we should
celebrate the bad times, too.
It's not that simple.
You don't just pick up the
dry-cleaning and everything's okay.
I mean, I can't even get
a real reaction out of you.
I mean, I don't know if
you're happy or sad or scared.
I've been going through
the worst time of my life.
I know!
All I've tried to do
is protect you from it.
Just try to keep you
out of the mess of it.
That's what I've done wrong.
I've just tried to be a good husband.
That's what I've done wrong?
No. Just stop!
Stop trying to be
a good husband.
(SIGHS) God.
Look, I'm doing this all wrong.
I need you to help me.
Please, just tell me what it
is. Tell me what you want.
(CRYING)
I just...
I just want us
to be able to talk.
Okay.
Like this.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
You are everything
to me. Okay?
Do you know that?
I just felt so lonely
the past couple of months,
and shut out.
And I just wanna feel
like I matter to you.
Oh, God, you matter.
You matter.
You don't have to protect me.
Okay. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
Will you marry me?
(CHUCKLES)
I already did, remember?
Oh, yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Marry me again.
I do.
How many thousands of
these do you need, Iris?
There's no such thing
as too many.
The children's public theater
always gets a huge turnout.
Chuck and I can't wait. You
know, he wants to volunteer, too.
He's so helpful.
If you two get any happier, I'm gonna
have to get a glucose tolerance test.
Don't you recycle these things?
I have a feeling I'm going to.
Well, come on, it only takes
a minute to make a difference.
It's all in the wrist.
How do you do it, Iris?
How do you have time
to care about everything?
You sound like John.
I mean it as a compliment.
He sure doesn't.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't
get like that.
He's been under
a lot of pressure lately.
They're having more
cutbacks in his department.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I feel so bad for him.
(MIMICKING) I
feel so bad for him.
Ha, ha, ha!
Anyway, there's this big dance
for the mayor and I'm really excited,
'cause I thought it
might cheer John up.
It's this black tie, he's
never worn a tux before.
He's all upset 'cause
they cost too much to rent.
What are you gonna wear?
Well, I have this sort of long
navy blue skirt and white blouse.
And I thought that,
you know, I'd... Yeah.
Look like Mary Poppins?
Well, with the right jewelry...
The right jewelry is in
the Tower of London.
John needs to be cheered up.
What do we have
that's real cheerful?
Do you know CPR?
Oh, God, I could
never wear that.
We won't tell God.
Come on.
That'll never fit me.
Of course it will. This part
stretches all out this way,
and this part pushes
everything up and out the top.
Yeah, well, I don't know if I want
everything up and out the top.
This is endless.
Every transaction Everson
made for the last year.
Some for a dollar, $10.
(SIGHS)
How are we gonna...
Just keep reading.
It would be nice when we
go to trial to have a defense.
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAINSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
John, that Iris is something.
I can do without the limo,
but I sure miss her.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Excuse me, excuse me.
Pardon me.
Didn't we meet
at the White House?
I don't... Or was it
the laundry room?
Oh, yes!
(CHUCKLING)
Having a good time?
Oh, yeah.
I love watching my
tax dollars at work,
but my date keeps ditchin' me.
Oh! Hey! I have to say
hello to all these people.
Couldn't we...
There. Let's take that.
Let's sneak out that
door right there. Come on.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come
on, come on, come on, come on.
(IRIS LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
This is beautiful.
You're beautiful.
(LAUGHING)
Are you really
having a good time?
Oh, I am. And as much as
I'm enjoying this party,
I can't wait till it's over,
because then I can get you home
and have you all to myself.
Oh, well, If you feel like that,
maybe I should just give you
a preview of coming attractions.
(LAUGHING)
Geez, Iris.
(GIGGLING)
You are so... beautiful.
I never knew you
could be so beautiful.
You should borrow
Claire's clothes more often.
What?
Come on, I'm not...
Come on.
Stop it.
What are you doing?
Hey, you know it's me in here?
(LAUGHS) What?
God, what's the matter with me?
Am I so desperate
for some response?
I dress myself up in this outfit
because I'm just convinced
you think I'm dumpy and boring?
I don't think any such thing.
Yes, you do!
God! You fuck me,
and you won't kiss me.
You mock my casseroles
and you think I'm ditzy
when I'm just trying
to be cheerful.
I just want to have a good life,
and not be consumed with anger
and jealousy and rage and...
And the feeling that
I've missed the boat.
I thought we were
in this together.
I thought this was supposed
to be a marriage, right?
(CRYING) I know,
maybe I didn't turn out
to be the Barbie doll
of your dreams,
but let me remind you, when
we met, you had a 32-inch waist.
And a sense of humor.
And now all you can see
is sadness and gloom
and you fantasize
about Claire's tits?
Let me tell you something.
I think Claire's great.
I think she has great tits.
I think she has great legs and
great clothes to show them off.
But she gave up on Leo, and
I have never given up on you.
So how dare you give up on me?
How dare you?
No, Iris, I'm sorry.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(SIGHS)
Look at all this money
I made for Everson.
Son of a bitch
won't even talk to me.
If I had any money, I'd turn
it over to Jeremy Brimfield.
He made a killing
on this Hutchco deal.
Yeah, I never liked Jeremy.
He was always bragging.
He had a lot to brag about.
He made a bundle for Mullaney.
No, no, no. Jeremy
didn't do shit for Mullaney.
Mullaney was mine.
Jeremy didn't even know him.
What are you talking about?
The whole Hutchco deal...
No, Jeremy handled
the Hutchco deal,
but Mullaney had
nothing to do with it.
Mullaney's brother-in-law
owned the corporation,
but Mullaney had control.
No, if that was true, then Jeremy and
Mullaney would have known each other
and they hadn't met.
What makes you so sure?
I saw them meet.
It was at Everson's party.
Oh.
Right in front of me.
Jeremy came over and intro...
Uh-huh.
Oh, geez, I am an idiot!
Mmm-hmm.
A-ha!
So Mullaney pretends
he doesn't know Jeremy.
And Jeremy gives me the tip.
Yeah, and then Everson
gives you some nice new clients.
All of who are in with Mullaney
right from the beginning.
He set you up.
They had a whole scam going.
Okay.
How are we gonna prove it?
Well, we got 11 of Chuck's
clients to try and crack.
We can play 'em
against each other.
All we need is one.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Claire. Hey, thanks a lot
for printing these up.
You saved us a bundle.
It was my pleasure.
Speaking of pleasure,
have you talked to Leo?
No. Why would I?
Well, John says
he's miserable without you.
Good.
Well, if you're glad
he's miserable without you,
that means you must be
thinking about him,
which means
you should call him up.
I haven't been
thinking about him.
As a matter of fact,
I've met someone new.
Oh, yeah?
What's he like?
Shipping tycoon.
Tall, dark, handsome.
Rich, powerful, romantic, sexy.
Sounds awful.
Call Leo.
I won't call Leo.
I'm perfectly happy seeing
this fabulously wonderful man.
As a matter of fact, we're
going to the ballet Saturday.
He's got the whole box.
Why don't you join us?
We can get Chuck and Nina,
do cocktails at my place.
It'll be like,
you know, old times.
Oh, gee, I guess you forgot
about the Rainbow Festival.
Chuck and Nina
are coming with us.
Oh.
Well, I'm sure
it will be lovely.
It's going to be fabulous.
(LAUGHS) Oh, the boys
are stringing love beads
and painting war protest signs.
And Leo is going to be there.
And I'll be at the ballet,
where I belong.
You belong with Leo. You
guys were great together.
Iris, I know you mean
well, but I know myself.
I know my limitations.
I don't bend,
I don't compromise,
and I'm too old to start now.
You're giving up
the chance of a lifetime.
You're turning your back
on the real thing.
There is no real thing.
And believe me, no one
ever lives happily ever after.
Honey, it happens all the time.
(SIGHS)
Here he comes!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
MAN: Excuse me, has Merotan
been indicted? Is Arthur Everson...
Four of the 11
Merotan purchasers
have signed confessions
admitting to collusion
with George Mullaney, Arthur
Everson and Jeremy Brimfield
in an illegal stock parking
scheme to take over the company,
using my client, Charles
Bishop, as their pawn.
Excuse me, what about
the charges against him?
It is my understanding that all charges
against my client will be dropped.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
IRIS: Come on. MARTY: But,
Dad, come on. We got to go!
It's just going to take
a couple of seconds.
It will be painless, believe me.
Okay.
I'll have you know that I embroidered
these with my own two hands, okay?
So if you wreck them,
just, hey, don't come home.
Okay, we'll be careful. See
you later, Mom. Bye, thanks.
Come here. Come here.
Okay. See you later.
Okay, Mom, thanks.
Hold it. Hold it! I've got a
little something for you guys.
Can't be a hippie
without a mustache.
Facial hair is where it's at.
All right, Dad, thanks.
See you later.
See you later. I...
I thought that I would
grow my own back.
What do you think?
Mmm? I think you
look like an asshole.
(CHUCKLES)
Ow! Geez! Shit.
(LAUGHING)
Kiss me, you fool.
You are the most
beautiful woman here,
and I am the luckiest man
in the world.
Thank you.
I mean, how sweet.
LUCY: Hi.
Hi, Lucy.
I like your tattoo.
My dad did it.
Really? It looks
very authentic.
I wanted to say congratulations.
About your husband, I mean.
Oh, thank you. That's
very thoughtful of you.
I was thinking I'm going
to camp this summer.
Is it okay if I write you?
Yeah.
I'd really like that.
So would I.
Or you can call, too.
Collect, if you want.
We paid the bill.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I have to go now, but thanks.
Okay. Good luck.
Okay. Bye.
Well, of course everyone
wants me, darling.
With my credentials,
I can name my own price.
I just let them know
I'm in control
and then I watch them fight
it out amongst themselves.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
BOY: When is it gonna
start, teacher?
Okay, Jodi, take your seat.
Settle down. Come
on, now, settle.
Hi.
Oh, you made it.
Hey.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
There it is.
I told them I'd only
sign a two-year contract.
The thing I value most
is my independence.
And who knows,
maybe you'll get married.
Married? Never.
The last thing I want
to do is waste my time
playing house with somebody
who's temporarily compatible.
Look, I'm trained to look at
bottom lines, and numbers don't lie.
Statistically, all relationships
are a bad investment.
Believe me, nobody lives
happily ever after.
Sure, they do.
It happens all the time.
MAN: (CHUCKLES) Sure.
(BELL SOUNDS)
WAITER: Hors d'oeuvres,
ladies?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God!
Don't worry, don't worry.
It won't stain.
I just need a little cold water.
Go ahead, I'll wash this off.
I'll come with you.
Silly, not to the ladies room.
Be a good boy, save my
seat. I won't be a minute.
Yesterday
a child came out to wander
Caught a dragonfly
inside a jar
Fearful when the sky
was full of thunder
And tearful
at the falling of a star
ALL: And the seasons,
they go round and round
And the painted ponies
go up and down
We're captive
on a carousel of time
We can't return
We can only look behind
from where we came
And go round and round
and round
In the circle game
Then the child moved
ten times round the seasons
Skated over
ten clear frozen streams
Words like "When you're
older" must appease him
And promises of someday
make his dreams
ALL: And the seasons,
they go round and round
And the painted ponies
go up and down
We're captive
on a carousel of time
We can't return
We can only look behind
from where we came
And go round and round
and round
In the circle game
Hmm.
Sixteen springs and
sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car
wheels through the town
And they tell him
Take your time
it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet
to slow the circles down
ALL: And the seasons,
they go round and round
And the painted ponies
go up and down
We're captive
on a carousel of time
We can't return
We can only look behind
from where we came
And go round and round
and round
(MOUTHING)
In the circle game
So the years spin by
and now the boy is 20
Though his dreams have lost
some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams
Maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last
revolving year is through
And the seasons,
they go round and round
And the painted ponies
go up and down
We're captive
on a carousel of time
We can't return
We can only look behind
from where we came
And go round and round
and round
In the circle game
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(HOOTING)
(JOHN WHOOPING)
(CHEERING)