Mars (2024) Movie Script

1
[orchestral music]
[rocket engine]
[asteroid impacts]
We just got hit by a
shitload of asteroids sir.
Ah, rear thrusters are out!
Turn the force field up to
one thousand percent.
This is gonna be close!
I just shit my space pants!
Put the wheels down
We're about to land on Mars!
[crash]
[screaming]
I can't breathe
There's no air.
We were fools to come here.
Fools!
Remember your training men.
What's happening to me?
My eyes!
[gurgling scream]
[juicy splat]
Gerold, no!
He just got married! Aww!
[alarm klaxon]
Now it's happening to me!
Our suits are malfunctioning!
Fight it!
Fight it Carl!
[gurgling scream]
[juicy splat]
Noooo!
His wife just had a baby.
Why God?
[screams of pain]
Ho-ly shiiiiit!
[disgusting splat]
[alien monster roars]
[screaming pain]
Pretty terrible isn't it?
This is what it would have
been like if we'd attempted
to travel to Mars only
seven years ago.
[knife shing]
[knife slash]
[blood squirt, gurgling]
That was a mercy kill.
Yep it's true.
Space travel was pretty grim
stuff back when big
government was
running the game.
But now that space exploration
has been privatized,
soon space travel
will be like this.
[fingers snap]
I was just playing future
tennis on the holocourt.
When do we land?
We just did sir.
Ha! Hot damn,
I didn't feel a thing.
[pneumatic door his]
[women giggling, glass clink]
[cork pop]
Welcome to Mars.
More space champagne?
We're taking applications
now to be part of our
maiden voyage.
So blast off from your
mundane world and spend
your life among the stars.
The voyage begins one
month from now.
so send your
applications today.
[giggle]
[air hissing]
Okay little Davey.
I'm just gonna need you
to open real big for me.
[annoying scream]
Don't need to scream.
[annoying scream]
No, no, this is just a mirror.
[continuing scream]
Okay just a sec.
[echoing scream]
This can't hurt you.
How's my future
son-in-law doing?
[Davey chokes]
I'm doing just great
Dr. Simpson.
[relentless scream]
I got you something.
Open it!
Uh, well, I'm sort of
in the middle of...
- Open it.
Oh-kay.
[Davey whimpering]
It's a VHS copy of the
movie Son In Law .
Fitting huh?
Right, because I'm marrying
your daugter, yes.
Pop it in real quick.
I want to show you a scene.
Yeah I don't think we
have a VCR here.
Oh God damnit!
[annoying scream]
Oh, okay, well uh
there's this scene...
Where they're at a concert
in this bar...
... and Pauly Shore is like...
[mouth clicks]
"It's the weasel buuudy"
You know what? You know
what? I'll watch it when I
get home tonight.
Ooh ooh, will you call me
when you get to that scene?
Ah you know, I probably
won't but we can talk about it
tomorrow when I get in. Okay?
[loud scream]
Oh okay, yeah yeah yeah.
We'll talk about it
in the morning
when you get in.
You know maybe I should
get back to him.
He's having a real
tough time here.
'Course he is.
Kids hate the dentist.
Everyone does actually.
Every single person we see
this is the worst day
of their whole year.
That's why the suicide rates
are so high for us.
[squeeky valve]
[inhaling gas]
Okay, uh, well if you're
going to be doing that...
I think it's time for little
Davey to go out and
see his mom. Okay we'll
schedule a follow up buddy.
[inhaling gas]
Here you go sport.
Have a sucker.
You know why I always
give 'em a sucker?
[inhaling gas]
Gets them addicted to sugar.
Rots their teeth.
[inhaling gas]
Keeps them coming back.
We keep drilling their faces.
[inhaling gas]
The more faces we drill...
[inhaling gas]
[faucet turns on]
The more money we get.
I understand.
[inhaling gas]
We take that money
and we buy things with it.
Ah huh, I got that part.
[inhaling gas]
The things we buy make
us more attractive to women.
Naturally, sir.
If they're attracted to us...
then we can have
sex with them.
Yeah you don't need to
keep explaining. Um...
And when we
have sex with them
we can achieve orgasm.
[inhaling gas]
Ah, how far is this
gonna go?
[inhaling gas]
And when we orgasm...
our brains...
...release serontonin...
of well being.
[long exhale]
Which helps with the
whole suicide thing.
Okay, I'm going
to go ahead and
bring in the next patient.
[door opens]
Okay gang, next up is...
...Katie Sheldon.
[high pitched scream]
[sigh]
[high pitched scream echo]
I would suck a dick.
I would literally suck a mans
dick to have your life.
- Okay thank you Cooter.
- Do you hear the words
that I'm saying?
I'm telling you... Hey
hey, look at me.
I'm telling you... I would
blow a man...
...I would blow an adult
man for your life.
Do you hear me?
- Yeah I hear you Cooter.
My friend here is engaged
to the hottest girl in town...
...and her old man is just
giving him his dental
practice when he
retires. I mean...
...hello. Who's dick did you
suck in another life
to get dealt this hand?
Because I want to meet this
dick and I want to suck it.
- Cooter trust me, my life
is not that great.
- What are you talking about?
- You ever look at your life
...and you know exactly how
it's going to go....
...all the way down?
- No.
- There are literally no
important decisions
left for me.
I will get the
dental practice...
...were I will drill
little kids faces until
I am 65 years old.
I am going to marry Candace.
Those things are going
to happen.
We will probably have
two children...
...and we'll work every
day to make our mortgage.
And we'll scrimp and
save to put our kids
through college. And then
once they're gone
we'll wonder where all
the time went.
And then we'll live as
strangers in the same house
until one of us dies
and the other teters
off into dimentia.
I would suck your
dick for that life.
I would literally suck your...
[gasp, gasp]
Dude!
Let me suck your dick.
- What?
-I'm serious
Let's finish our drinks
go into the bathroom
Turn our phones off
and I will suck your dick.
- Alright Cooter you are
drunk and you need to go.
-Why are you being like this?
- Cooter, I'm not gay.
[laughs]
What? Neither am I.
There's nothing gay about it.
Look I'm trying to do you a
solid so you can be like...
...Oh, I guess my life
is not so bad.
I got a hot fiance,
I got my own business,
and my best friend is
blowing me right now.
- Why are you so weird
when you're drunk?
- That hurt my feilings.
I am going to the bathroom.
- Hey Cooter cool out!
- He is cut off.
- He's fine.
Television: For the last
three weeks, ordinary
people across the country
have been sending video
submissions hoping to be
one of the lucky citizens
chosen at random
to be among the first people
to set foot on Mars.
And we have our first winner:
Wimmy Tilliams.
A 34 year old father of
five who teaches Sunday
school in Watertown,
South Dakota.
- Wimmy you just got
the big news.
How are you
feeling today?
- I'm so excited to be
going on an
honest to God adventure.
To take a journey
where absolutely
anything can happen.
- Now Wimmy we ran
some quick calculations...
...and not only will you be
one of the first people
to ever set foot on Mars...
...you will also be the
fattest astronaut
ever in space.
- Oh. Is that so?
- By quite a lot.
- Okay, well, I guess it
won't really matter since
since in space, everyone
is weightless.
- True, true.
But you'll still look fat.
- I'm sorry, is there a
question here?
- Bartender? There's a
guy in the bathroom
and he is way out of line.
[keys rattle]
[paper rips]
Candace: Hey, I had to
go to sleep. I'm so sorry
you had a hard day though.
Just make yourself a
nice drink and relax.
We can talk about things
in the morning.
Love Candace.
[sigh of relief]
[keys open door]
Candace: Ha!
[Kyle screams]
- I tricked you with the note.
[door closes]
We're not going to talk
about things in the morning.
We're going to talk about
them now!
- Oh no!
[Candace gasps]
Why did you say "oh no"?
[Candace cries]
- No no, no, don't cry, don't
cry. I didn't mean "oh no"...
I just... I was surprised.
- I'm sorry. With the
wedding coming up
I'm just under a lot of
pressure. [snifs]
- Yeah it's okay. It's okay.
- Do you... still love me?
- Of... yeah of course
I still love you.
- Do you love me more than
anyone in the world?
- Yes you know I do.
- If someone had a gun
aimed at me...
and your mom and dad and
you had to pick one person
to save... would you pick me?
- Of course I would yeah.
- If we had a baby and the
gunman was either going to
shoot me or the baby.
Who would you save?
- Candace I don't like doing
these hypotheticals...
-Who would you save?
- Well... I would try and,
and save both of you...
- No! If you had to pick one!
- I, I guess I would save...
...the baby, since it hadn't
really been able to live any
of it's life yet?
[clock ticks]
Oh my god!
- No I meant you.
I would save you.
- I would jump in front of
the bullet so both you and
the baby could live.
- I didn't know that was
an option.
[guitar sting]
Okay, next time I...
...jump in front of her
and the baby. Okay.
[cellphone vibrates]
Aw, fuck me.
[box dragging]
Fucking stupid old VCR.
God damn RCA cords. Knots.
This piece of shit Pauly
Shore movie. Fucking idiot.
TV: Two more passengers
have been selected for
billionaire Elron Branson's
maiden Mars expedition.
The first name is
Todd Sullivan.
Todd is a middle school
math teacher from
Fredericksburg, Virginia.
Todd: Yeah I signed up for
this Mars thing because my
job is working
with little kids
and I don't know if you
worked with
little kids but...
...they fucking suck.
- Mr. Todd, I fell down
on the slide.
- Get the fuck outta
here Jeremy.
I'm playing my game.
[Jeremy sniffs]
[Todd sighs]
Anyway...
...as you can see
with all this shit...
I was just like,
"fuck Earth".
- Whoopsie, none of
that was bleeped.
Sorry about that.
- The second contestant
annouonced today
is Peggy Bork.
And what a story she has.
[concerning music]
Four years ago in a sleepy
town in Missouri,
neighbors responded to
a terrible smell
and found the
decomposing bodies of
Harold and Margaret Bork.
Locked in their
secret basement
was their 24 year
old daughter Peggy.
Peggy had been shut off
from the world since birth.
- For the last 4 years, Peggy
has had to acclimate
to the real world.
Peggy: Car!
Doctor: No Peggy!
News Anchor: But now
Peggy's world is
about to get even bigger.
Peggy: I spent so
much of life
trapped in the
same place...
...that sometimes, I didn't
even feel alive.
Kyle: You and me both Peggy.
Peggy: Every since
I've been free...
... I'm determined to
see everything this
planet has to offer.
That's why, I'm
going to Mars!
- Fascinating story.
And I believe there's
only one more seat
available for the
Mars voyage.
- That's right, the raffle
ends tomorrow at midnight
so get those submissions
in people.
The spaceship blasts off
July 12th.
[typing]
[click]
[sigh]
My name is Kyle Capshaw...
...and I need to go to Mars.
[dramatic music]
[clothes rip]
[rowdy cheering, club music]
This is it man...
your last night of freedom.
How do you feel?
- Why did you take me here?
- Candace said that we
couldn't have your
bachelor party at
a strip club.
But she didn't say we
couldn't have it at a
male strip club. Ha ha.
- She said "stripclubs".
- What are you looking
at your phone
so much for anyway?
What? What do you see
guys like this everyday?
- They're about to announce
the last passenger
for that Mars thing.
- Why do you care? It's not
like you signed up for it.
- Yeah, no, no, no, no.
I just um... you know.
I, I, I don't know.
[Cooter gasps]
You did! Wait you're getting
married in three weeks.
How are you gonna
go to Mars?
What are you thinking?
- I don't know!
- What would you just
bail on the wedding?
- No.
- Dude Candace
would fucking
kill you if she found out
you even applied to that.
She didn't even want you to
go to female strip clubs
but we found a loop hole. Eh?
- Well this isn't really a
loophole. I mean, we're still
technically disobeying her
It's just less enjoyable...
...for me.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, me too.
[gasp]
Look! The strippers
are doing that
thing where they dip
their dicks in everbody's
mouth for like a second.
Let me ask you. Do you think
it's rude to not participate?
- Go knock yourself
out Cooter.
Ah, what, what,
what is that?
- It's a hair scrunchie.
- Why?
- So they can
see your eyes.
News Anchor: Okay...
This is the moment we've
all been waiting for.
- Drum roll please.
[drum roll]
- And the final
passenger on the first
ever manned mission to
planet Mars is...
- Please God, please God,
please God come on.
- Marty Wagner!
[kazoo, party noisemakers]
heard the good news.
- I didn't sign up.
My friend is
always playing jokes on me.
I thought I was signing a
petition to get the trash
trucks to come
on the weekends.
pretty good this time
'cause you're going to Mars!
- Oh, oh please
don't make me go.
I, I'm horribly agoraphobic.
I can't even leave the house.
The idea of traveling down
the street terrifies me.
You can't make
me go to Mars.
- Nooooo!
- Some people are just born
lucky I guess.
Can we borrow 50 dollars?
- What? No you can't
borrow 50 doll...
Who are all these twinks?
- I met them in the dick line.
This one knows
where we can get
crystal meth. You want in?
- No I'm not going
to lend you 50 bucks
to do meth with twinks.
- That's okay. We know
ways to get 50 dollars.
- You know what, I think
I'm just gonna call it a night.
But, but thank you... for
the bachelor party.
- Alright. Your loss man.
[rowdy cheering]
[sad music]
You've got to be fucking
kidding me!
- Ah, ah! What's wrong?
What happened?
- You're still asleep...
on our wedding day!
- Did the alarm not go off?
I mean I, I set it.
[alarm goes off]
Candace it's only 7am.
[Candace crying]
I always dreamed that my
future husband would be
so excited to marry me
that he wouldn't even be
able to sleep the night
before the wedding.
And you slept fine!
- I'm sorry I... slept okay.
- I'm going to take a shower.
When I get up...
you better be dressed
and ready to
take me over to the girls.
- Okay, yeah. Sorry again.
Okay, so... when it's our
anniversary, don't sleep
the night before. Okay.
News Anchor:
...incredible late
breaking announcement:
Marty Wagner, one of the last
passengers chosen for the
maiden mission, committed
suicide this morning.
- What?
- Now we have some very
cool footage of the suicide
that we're about to show but
we must warn you that
it is pretty graphic.
Marty: I don't want
to do this.
I love my life.
I have children.
But I just really
can't handle
the idea of going to Mars.
Please don't make me go.
Reporter: You have to!
- Noooo!
[gunshot]
[crowd gasps]
[juicy splat]
Onlookers: Oh my god!
- Ah, so cool. I
could seriously...
I could watch stuff
stuff like that all day.
Now since they
only have hours
until takeoff this morning
the Mars Enterprises
team held a random
drawing of local
submissions only.
- Holy... Shit.
- And once again the
winner chosen was
one Kyle Capshaw.
- Holy shit!
- Our news vans are on their
way to Mr. Capshaw's house
as we speak to give
him the good news.
- Holy shit!
of the shower.
Reporter: Kyle Capshaw!
Kyle: Ah!
You've been selected to go
to Mars. How do you feel?
- You have to leave.
you have to leave...
to Mars.
- Listen to me. My fiance
doesn't know that I entered
the contest. We're supposed
to get married today.
Please do not put this
on television.
she's going to be? 1 to 10?
[Candace screaming,
wood slams]
[growling]
Kyle: Oh Candace!
Candace: You son of a bitch!
- Baby I'm sorry, the, the,
the, the chair must've
fallen against the door. It
was an accident.
Candace: It was?
- Totally yeah totally.
Now baby? Precious lamb?
Uh, I need to ask you to do
something very important.
- What?
- You know how I'm
incredibly superstitious?
- No you're not!
- Yes I am, yes I am.
And superstition dictates...
that we cannot see eachother
on the day of the wedding.
- Then how are you supposed
to drive me to Carol's house
to get my fucking
makeup done?
[engine revs]
[metallic crash]
[squealing tires]
Reporter: They're getting
away! Get 'em!
[loud music]
- Are you driving crazy?
It feels like you're
driving crazy.
- No, no, I'm driving
perfectly normal.
[squealing tires]
Man: Slow down asshole!
Thanks for joining us here
at the Mars Enterprises
launch site. Behind me you
can see the shuttle being
prepared for it's
maiden voyage
which will commence in
just a few short hours.
- Five lucky individuals
will be traveling to the red
planet this evening.
- And the captain of the ship
is non other than Mars
Enterprises' CEO:
Sir Elron Branson.
Now, not many people
know this but besides being
a billionaire philanthropist,
Elron Branson is also a
former Air Force test pilot
who will be looking after
the tourists and making
sure they have a safe
and fun journey.
He's a pilot, and EMT,
a gormet chef and
was voted People Magazine's
sexiest man alive
three years in a row.
- And the final passenger
on the Mars 1's maiden
voyage is...
Pediatric dentist
Kyle Capshaw.
- And they are all white.
Every single one of them.
- White as the pure
driven snow.
Zero diversity among
this crew.
- Huh, that's awkward.
[tires screeching]
Kyle: Ah, just in time.
We're here okay.
Carol's house.
Candace: You have to be
dressed and at the
chapel by 12 o'clock.
got that?
- Got it.
- Now give me a kiss.
- Muah.
[car door opens]
[car door slams, engine revs]
[tires squeal]
[Candace falls]
[cellphone beep]
[ringing]
Come on Cooter you better
fucking pick up.
[vibrating]
- Hello. Hello. Hey Kyle
what's up, what's up?
What's going on man?
What's up?
hell have you been for
- Oh just been really
busy doing work.
Lots of work stuff. Just
working on a lot of work.
- Well I got a huge problem
man. The wedding is today.
- I know that.
I know that man.
I'm on my way
there right now.
Twinks, the wedding is
today. Get your tuxes on.
- Cooter listen to me, I need
your help okay.
I, I, I got accepted...
...into the Mars program.
[screeching tires]
Cooter: Are you thinking
about going?
- I don't know. I haven't
had a chance to think.
I've got Candace yelling
at me. I've got
TV reporters following
my every move.
- Are you on TV man?
That's awesome!
- Cooter it's not awesome.
I don't know what to do.
I mean this Mars think I'd
only be gone for like a
month and a half, but if I
leave on the day of our
wedding without telling
Candace...
whole relationship away.
[fall grunt]
Maybe I have cold feet about
the wedding and this is
some sort of reaction to
that. I, I don't know
what's going on with me.
- Dude, say no more. Sounds
like you need some time
to figure this all out. I'm
gonna drive down to that
launch pad and stall
that fucking spaceship
for you dude.
Twinks, get the gun
out of the trunk.
a spaceship. That's insane.
- Ah you're right,
that's insane.
I can't stall a spaceship.
They're made of metal.
All the meth in the world
couldn't stall a spaceship.
[Cooter gasps]
I'll stall the
wedding instead.
Heading to the church Kyle.
Cooter: I've got you buddy.
[electronic crack]
Twinks, to the car!
[car engine]
[tires over gravel]
[keys turn off ignition]
[birds chirping]
Hello Sandy.
What do you think
we should do?
Don't be like that.
I'm sorry that you have to
live in the glove compartment.
She thinks I've
thrown you out.
Boy I really could use your
cool level head right now.
Huh, I've gotten us
into a real mess.
this right?
Cameraman: Oh ya!
- We're getting a God
damn pay raise!
- I mean, what, what...
What would you do?
Oh come on. We don't
have time for that.
Besides, you said last
time was the last time.
[Kyle sighs]
Make sure no one's looking.
didn't see us.
- Well, the coast is clear.
But this is the last time.
Okay?
After today, I'm
a married man.
Now tell me.
[clap]
[church bells]
Dr. Simpson: Thank you for
coming. Here's a VHS of
"Father of the Bride".
Thank you for coming.
Here's a VHS of
"Father of the Bride".
Cooter! How are you?
- Cool it mister S.
[crowd bewildered]
Everybody, listen up!
I have an announcement
from the groom himself.
[TV crash]
First of all, no TVs.
That's right.
- Awe Cooter, there's a scene
I wanted to show everyone.
- Secondly, everyone hand
in their cellphones.
Groom's orders.
Kyle has prepared a big
surprise for everyone.
But it's on live television
right now. So nobody
watch the news or check
your phones in case
someone you know is
watching the news.
- I saw the news this
morning. They're looking
for Kyle because he's
supposed to...
- Get the hell out of
this wedding!
- Cooter explain what's
happening right now.
- Shut the fuck...
uuuuuup!
I don't know Sandy, I mean
of course I want to go
to Mars. I, I want to have
adventure in my life.
But I made a
commitment to her.
Awe no, don't say that.
She's a good person.
And who knows, maybe
getting married will help
fix the relationship. I
mean, the point is...
It would completely
devestate her if I left her
at the alter. Isn't that what
being a real man is?
Huh? Putting the feelings of
others before yourself?
You know what?
I'm sorry Sandy but I think
I've made a decision.
I'm getting married.
[car starts]
[determined music]
[phone rings]
[phone answer beep]
holy fuck are you?
- Don't worry honey
I'm on my way.
isn't "here".
that door in seconds
I'm going to
Phil Hartman your ass.
- Actually...
You know what? I just, I
just run into some pretty
bad traffic on I25.
[tires screech]
- Fuck you pussy!
You get through that traffic
and get here to marry me!
- Yeah and you're uh...
yeah your'e breaking up.
It's, it's really hard
to hear you right now.
[hang up beep]
I'm going to fucking Mars.
We are now going live
to the arrival of
the final passenger.
- Mister Capshaw.
Just in time. Follow me.
Now we're getting down
to the wire here so I'm
gonna have to get you
to sign and walk.
This first one is a release
form for the cameras and
any promotional material we
would use your likeness for.
- This one absolves our
company from any liability
in case of spontaneous
incineration.
- Incineration? Ah...
How often do these explode?
- We don't know yet.
Maiden voyage and all.
- Right yeah okay.
That makes sense.
This next one absolves our
company from all liability
in the event you suffer
a mental breakdown.
- Oh, does that
happen a lot?
- Sometimes. People go
space crazy.
- Geez, okay. Well, hope
that doesn't happen to me.
- And this last one absolves
our company from any
liability in case one of the
other passengers goes
space crazy and
shoots you or something.
- Are there guns
on the spaceship?
- You know I don't know the
answer to that but I
would be happy to look
into it for you.
- Oh thank you so much.
That would be great.
- But I am going to need
you to sign real quick.
- Oh sure, right.
[church bells]
Dr. Simpson: Then Steve Martin
gets this little
tear in his eye.
He's looking at his daughter
but all he can see...
...is his little girl...
Oh God damnit Cooter, why
can't we watch the television?
- Come on, you were doing
good Mr. S.
[door slam]
Where is he?
- He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
[squeeky wheels]
Priest: Hey everybody, I found
another TV in the banquet
room. We can just power
this thing up and...
[metal impacts flesh,
crowd reacts]
- Cooter crossing the line!
Guest 1: Oh my God
he's bleeding!
Guest 2: Somebody call 911.
Cooter... this man is...
- Look everybody Kyle
is on TV!
News Anchor: There he goes.
Kyle Capshaw.
The last passenger onto
the shuttle.
About to leave everyone on
Earth... for Mars.
[crowd gasps]
- What!?
Cooter: Yeah he's not getting
married at all today.
He's going to Mars!
[triumphant music]
[door hisses]
Hello straggler. I'm Elron
Branson. Welcome aboard.
[phone ringing]
Pick up, pick up. You
better pick up.
[phone ringing]
[hang up beep]
[crowd gasps]
- Ooh...burn.
approaching lift off.
- Ten...
- Nine...
- Eight...
- Seven...
- Six...
- Five...
- Four...
[body thump]
- One!
- Lift off!
[rockets ignite]
[crowd cheers]
[NASA radio chatter]
[champagne splashes]
[crowd cheering]
[triumphant music]
[seatbelts unbuckle]
Okay, artificial gravity
has set in.
Listen up my fellow...
astronauts.
[group reacts]
First thing's first:
When I call your name
come on up, get yourself
a nametag and tell us
a little about yourself.
What you did on Earth and
What you want to get
out of this trip.
Todd Sullivan.
- My name is Todd. I think
it's stupid that we all have
to stand up here and
introduce ourselves,
and uh, fuck nametags.
- Oh okay, well we don't have
to... wear them, I guess.
But I did stay up all night
making everyone
individual drawings.
Oh-kay. Well I guess
we can just...
Eat cocktail shrimp
and play deck games.
[lounge music]
Okay Wimmy
did your serve make
it over the net?
- Uh... yeah.
- Okay, Kyle... now you
take a card.
Did you return his volly?
- It' says... yeah.
- Oh good. Okay, Wimmy
take another card.
did you return the volley?
- It says I missed.
[clap]
- Oh match point!
Kyle, you get a reward card.
Now would you like surprise
now or surprise later?
Kyle: Ah...
I will take surprise later.
You know the commercials
made Future Tennis
seem a lot more...
... future-y.
- And tennis-y.
- Did you make this game?
Elron?
- Well if you guys aren't
feeling it, we could play...
future badminton, future
jai alai, or future darts.
- Ah, you know, I'm good.
I'm gonna go mingle.
[lip smacks]
Hey Peggy right?
Peggy: Yes!
- You know I don't want to
be super negative right
out the gate but doesn't all
of this seem a little less
cool than they made it
out to be?
I mean... I sacrificed quite
a lot to be here.
Oh... What did you sacrifice?
- Well I mean... I... uh...
I was actually supposed
to get married today.
Peggy: Wow!
- Yeah but I mean we all have
families and friends back
on Earth that we just picked
up and left for a month.
- Your friends will still
be there for you
when you get back.
- Ah, I don't know about that.
- Sure they will! I just told
my friends...
"Gang! I'll be back
in a month."
And then I left them 20
bowls of food...
and I filled the
bathtub with milk.
- What?
- For drinking!
- I'm gonna assume you're
talking about cats here.
You just left them with a
bathtub filled with milk?
- Purrrrr-cisely!
- Peggy it's June...
That milk is gonna go
bad in like a day or two.
- What do you mean?
- Well I mean, that's all you
left for your cats to drink?
- Yeah...
What do you mean?
- Well what's going to happen
when the bathtub milk turns
and they've got
three and a half weeks
with nothing to drink?
- What do you mean?
- Nothing. I don't
mean anything.
- Anyway, like I said, your
loved ones will be there
waiting for you when
you get back.
Elron: Okay friends
listen up!
Todd: Loser!
- Okay, I'm just going to
pretend I didn't hear that.
[cough]
Todd: Loo-ser!
[sigh]
The time has come for us
to go into stasis.
Now this will be a chemical
sleep that will make
the next two weeks of travel
feel like a two hour cat nap.
[clapping]
Peggy: Wooo! He said cats!
- Uh, is this going to be
a shot or something?
- No. We will each be taking
500 easy to swallow pills.
Kyle: did you say 500?
Wimmy: What? Todd: 500?
[servo motor]
[pills rattle]
[munching sounds]
Wimmy: Can we get
some more water?
- Ah... No.
[swallowing]
[high pitched sound]
[high pitched sound]
[body impact]
[harp music]
Ouch...
Ouch. I slept on
my arm weird.
God, this aerobed
half deflated.
- Aw, my neck!
Elron? I'm having a little
trouble moving my neck.
How did I get over here?
- Well after you guys took
all those Ambien...
Kyle: Stop! What?
- Ambien? We took, we
took 500 Ambien?
- Ha ha, pretty cool
right Todd?
- That's what stasis is?
Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
- Awe, guh!
Elron: Oh wait, oh okay
you're just all gonnna
take 'em off? Okay.
Oh hey. Did you guys, did
you guys notice my sign?
It says "Welcome to Mars.
A place for friends."
Kyle: Oh that's, yeah,
that's cool man.
- As you can see I drew
each one of us.
Took me most of the
two weeks here.
Todd what do you think?
- Uh, it sucks, it's stupid.
You're stupid, you suck.
[laughing akwardly]
Come on Todd.
[alarm klaxon]
Oh here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a
few moments, the airlock
door will open and in front
of the watching world
we will become the first
people to step from this ship
and see Mars with
our own eyes.
[door hisses]
[wonderous music]
- This is incredible.
gather around.
Just want to lay down
some ground rules
for my fellow...
Martians.
Wimmy: Oh hoo hoo.
Peggy: Woooo.
Wimmy: Thank you Jesus.
- The first and most
important rule is...
Have fun!
Have fun up here guys.
This is your vacation.
Mars is for fun.
The second rule is: Do not
touch the airlock
because it will kill you.
Now, down that corridor is
the sleeping pods.
Go claim a room and be
back here for our first
Martian lunch at
14:00.
[knocks]
Well hello Kyle.
- Oh hey Wimmy. I see that
you are...
praying again. A lot a, lot a
prayer with you alright.
So uh... So what's
you're story?
- Well, I'm a faithful husband
with a wife who is quite
a beauty... on the inside.
A proud father of five
angelic children.
I have type two diabetes and
I don't believe in dinosaurs.
What about you?
- Uh... I'm a dentist
which is cool...
Actually no, it's not
little kids hate me
and uh... I do believe
in dinosaurs.
[giggling]
- Well, we'll work on that.
That's why I'm here.
I'm a missionary of sorts.
I'm gonna turn Mars into
the first completely
Christian planet.
- Okay but there aren't any
people on Mars.
- Aren't there?
- Oh no.
Kyle: Woah. Elron, did you
make all this yourself?
- I had a little help from
my good friend...
Murdered Mid-western
Homosexual Teenager.
- One more time Elron?
- I said this meal was
actually prepared by one
Murdered Midwestern
Homosexual Teenager.
It's an acronym. It's
technical name is
Mechanical Ultra Responsive
Dietary Electronic Robotic
Energized Delivery Meal
Interface Dietary Wellness
Efficiency System Tactile
Edible Responsive
Nutrition Home Or Mobile
Omnivorous Sustenance
Expeditious Xenoculinary,
User Aligned Lunch Tool
Enabled Eating Nourishment
Agent Gastronomical
Electronic Robot.
Todd: What?
- But that's a little bit of
a mouthful.
So we call it the Murdered
Mid-western
Homosexual Teenager
for short.
- That's really weird
and offensive.
I think that happened.
- This is a one of a kind
prototype, but in a few years
Lord willing, every town
from Chicago to New Orleans
will have it's own
Murdered Mid-Western
Homosexual Teenager.
Kyle: Gotta fix that acronym.
Peggy: Yeah some of those
words seemed unnecessary.
Wimmy: You said
"robotic" twice.
Elron: Hey I didn't name it.
Take it up with the good
people at The Holocaust
Was Greatly Exaggerated.
Kyle: I'm sorry what?
Elron: It's a company.
It stands for Technological
Human Electronic...
- Okay, okay so
How does this thing work?
- It's basically like a 3D
printer for food.
You just say whatever
you want it to make...
And it...
- Jager.
[mechanical whirring]
[liquid filling]
Rad.
[club music]
Peggy: Get a bucket and a
mop for this wet ass pussy.
Kyle: Ho ho, get it Peggy.
[Peggy laughing]
Kyle: Opa, opa!
Kyle: Awe yeah!
[rooster crows]
[rooster crows]
Woah. Hey... Wimmy.
- Good morning. This
is a surprise.
- Yeah you're in my bed.
- Oh well are we sure you
didn't get in my bed?
- Yep. This is my bed.
- Oh well, last night was the
first in 18 years
that I didn't share
my bed with my
lovely on the inside wife.
So in my sleep I must have
wandered over here
mistaking your bodily
warmth for hers.
- Okay, well...
I'm going to get up.
- Ten four good buddy.
[sliding door]
There were good people
on both sides of the
Charlottesville Fiasco...
They even put spaces.
Fuck this company!
Peggy: Last night was fun.
- You know what Peggy,
last night was fun.
I think this is a really
great group we got here.
- And it's cool that
we're on Mars.
- And it's cool we're on Mars.
You're right Peggy, huh!
Fucking Mars.
Alright!
[alarm klaxon]
- Oh boy, you know what
that alarm means?
It's time for Kyle's surprise!
- Oh ho, what's going on?
What are we talking about?
- Your surprise. Surprise
later from future tennis?
- Oh right hey. Wow,
look at me.
Everything is
coming up Kyle.
- Now I know the Martian
landscape can feel
pretty foreign. But you've
won something that's
going to make this place
feel a lot more like home.
[laughing]
Alright, okay.
Lay it on me. Fun!
- Okay Kyle. Say hello to
your very own...
- Talk to me baby.
What do we got?
[clicks]
- What the fuck?
What the fuck?
[door hissing]
- Wait, how is, how, how
is she here now?
- When you won future
tennis I asked if you wanted
surprise now or
surprise later.
You said "surprise later".
- She shouldn't be here.
This is bad. Can we pause?
Can we pause for a second?
Can we make the door
go back up please?
- No Kyle. We have to get
her outta there.
That's a
decompression chamber.
They're very dangerous.
- Oh God. Oh God. Oh God
Fuck me. Fuck Me.
Oh fuck. Ha ha ha
hiii Pumpkin!
Candace: Hi Kyle.
Hi, I'm Candace.
Kyle's fiance.
Todd: That's funny, Kyle
didn't talk about you at all.
Kyle: Yeah I did. Yes I'm...
No I'm sure that I did.
[nervous laughter]
So this is... this is crazy.
This is all so surprising.
How are you... here?
- Well when you chose
surprise later, I knew we
had to think of something
really good for you.
And as luck would have it,
right then, Candace
showed up on the launchpad
and was going on and on
about how much she
needed to get up here
and get to ya.
When I found out, I said
"What the heck.
send her up in a supply pod."
Nothing is more important
than true love.
- That's so coool.
- What would have happened
if he chose "surprise now"?
- He would have won
400,000 dollars.
- Oh 400,000 dollars.
Yeah.
Candace could we just have
a little side bar to kinda
clear the air. 'Cause you
know I'm sensing a little...
hostility between us.
- I'm not hostile Kyle.
Are you hostile?
- No, no, no I just, I feel
like you're in...
I mean I don't want to
tell you how you feel but
I imagine, that you would
have the right...
to be...
frustrated with me.
- I'm perfectly calm Kyle.
- Yeah but um...
You seem mad.
- I'm not mad. Are you mad?
- No, no, no I, I'm not
mad at all.
- Okay then we're not mad.
Let's just drop it.
- Okay yeah, yeah fine.
I mean it just, it seems
kinda weird...
[punch]
- You motherfucker.
- Help!
She's gonna kill me!
- You dickless piece of shit.
[ice crunching]
Elron: Okay everyone. Seems
like the perfect time
for a little safety meeting.
We've had some rather
unsafe behavior lately.
I'm not gonna name names.
But I just want to
really quickly go over
some of the basics.
First thing's first: This is
the airlock.
Earlier today Kyle was
suggesting that we leave
someone in the airlock.
Now this is unsafe for a
myriad of reasons.
If you're in this thing
without a space suit
when the exterior door
opens, the changing pressures
could be fatal.
Now, if you do have your
space suit on and
you're going to take a walk
on the Martian surface,
You would stand on this
circle and give the voice
command, Airlock C-L-O-S-E.
- Ah, Airlock Close!
[door motor]
Thank you Peggy. Yes that
is what I was spelling.
[alarm]
Computer: Exterior door
opening in 30 seconds.
- Okay, luckily we have a
safeguard built in.
If you happen to be stuck
inside the airlock
without your space suit.
Just give the voice command:
Abort airlock proceed...
-Well then do it!
- I am doing it. I was
trying to.
Abort airlock...
- You gotta hurry Elron!
Computer: I'm sorry
I didn't quite get that.
Evacuating airlock in 20
seconds...
- Guys you cannot say the
command while people
are talking. You all have to
be quiet...
- Okay Kyle? I'm gonna
take it from here okay?
Ab...
- Yeah just be quiet Kyle.
Computer: I'm sorry
I didn't quite get that.
- Candace now you did it!
- I'm sorry, I was telling
Kyle to be quiet for you.
- I wasn't going to
say anything.
- You just did it right there...
Computer: Evacuating
airlock in ten seconds...
- Everyone...
- Everyone shut up!
- Everyone shut up!
Wimmy: Shut up Kyle.
Elron: You shut up!
Kyle: Shut up!
Elron: You Kyle shut...
Candace: Wimmy shut up!
Elron: Stop!
Wimmy: You just talked Can...
Elron: Wimmy!
Peggy: Sorry Elron.
[everyone talking
over eachother]
Elron: Shut up!
Abort airlock pro...
[door his, bloody splat]
[horror music]
[everyone screeming]
Kyle: What the fuck!
Wimmy: Oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh...
Candace: Did that
just happen?
Todd: Okay you guys are
actually louder than my music.
- Did you not see that?
- What are you talking about?
- Elron is dead!
- Who?
- Elron!
The, the billionaire guy
that brought us here.
Th... Elron the main guy!
Elron!
- Oh right. He died?
- His head exploded!
- Fuck off!
Holy shit!
[record beep]
Now that is fucking cool.
- No it's not fucking cool.
Elron Branson was the only
one that knew how to
operate the ship!
Wimmy: Holy Holy Holy.
Our God Almighty.
- Fat man. Be quiet
Not now.
[Wimmy sings]
Kyle: Okay, okay, okay.
We just, we need to keep
our heads together.
- Poor choice of words dude.
- What?
- Poor choice of words
- What?
- You said "let's keep our
heads together".
His head exploded.
The things you say are
inappropriate. You don't
realize it. You're dumb.
Candace: Holy shit, he
won't stop singing.
- Oh I'm sorry, I'm just the
only one trying to
get us out of this mess.
Kyle: How?
Wimmy: Uhh...
By sending a little S.O.S.
to the big man upstairs.
- But Wimmy, God's not real.
[gasp]
- Peggy...
Isn't it enough that you
killed our captain?
Do you have to blasphemy
God while you're at it?
- I didn't kill him.
- You're the one who said
"airlock close".
[door motor]
Computer: Airlock closed.
- Hey come on Wimmy.
Leave Peggy alone.
She can't help it. She's...
you know...
- What are you saying Kyle?
- I mean Peggy is obviously...
You know... Um...
Peggy I don't want to
offend you but... I mean
you're obviously... like...
You have a... a
mental... thing...
Right? Are you...
Are you mentally
handicapped?
[everyone groans]
- I'm sorry. No, tha...
that came out wrong, look.
It's not going to solve
anything for us to be blaming
eachother. Now I'm sure
each one of us in this room
has made mistakes. And
right now the best thing is
for everyone here to just
forgive, everyone here
so that we can all work
together moving forward.
[Todd mocking]
So we can all work together
moving forwards.
- Todd, what is with
the attitude?
- I don't have an attitude.
- Well I'm not your fucking
dad man.
- I know you're not my dad.
My dad is awesome.
Peggy: Is Elron okay?
[door hiss]
Kyle: Okay we have to get
in touch with Mission Control,
tell them what happened,
and get them to pick us up,
and take us home.
Peggy: I know! Hit this onec!
[button press]
[grinding sound]
Kyle: Peggy don't... touch.
This is dangerous.
Okay, from now on,
no one touches anything.
[click, frequency sound]
Kyle: Todd!
Todd: Telecom. It's short
for telecommunications.
[frequency gets louder]
- Mission Control, can you
hear us?
[electronic beep]
- There they are!
- You bastards, you bastards!
- Did you come...
to kill us now too?
[crying]
Kyle: Guys, guys, we are so
sorry about Elron. It was
an accident.
- We saw everything,
there's cameras.
- Ah, what, what, what do
we do?
How do we get back home?
What happens?
- Okay, well, we should
be able to just...
have the ship automatically
bring you home. Just...
don't touch that
big red button.
Kyle: Um...
Peggy already did.
- What?
You didn't hear a grinding
sound did you?
Kyle: Ya.
Mission Control: Well great.
That just disengaged all
the return boosters.
Kyle: Oh thank you Peggy.
Peggy: Did I fix it?
Now what?
Are we screwed?
Is there another
way to get back?
- 'course there is. In the
sciences, we always
prepare for a plan B.
- Yeah if we start constructing
another ship now...
we can get to you guys
in about... five years.
- Five years? Did you say
five years?
We're all gonna be stuck up
here for five years? Five?
Five whole years?
- Well maybe you should
have thought about that
before you killed Elron
Branson.
He was a candle in the wind.
- And a rocket man!
[crying]
Todd: That dude?
He was a nerd.
[gasp]
- Nerd? Nerd?
- You know what. That's the
problem with cools.
You guys just think you
could say whatever you want
to anybody.
- Well if you wanted a world
without nerds...
Then merry Christmas and
happy birthday...
You're on one.
- Nerds out!
Kyle: No, no, no, nerds
nerds, nerds. No. Nooo!
[door hiss, blood splat]
[tape rewind]
[door hiss, blood splat]
- I cannot get enough of
things like that.
Look at that. Now let's see
if we can go frame by frame.
Toby can go
frame by frame here?
Someone get Toby out of
the chair and let's
go frame by frame. Okay
here we go.
Now he's like "Oh, oh, I'm
in trouble, I'm in trouble".
Oh, boom! Huh, rewind.
See, see, he's still alive
there. Still alive there.
There, still alive.
He's feeling it right there.
And, and... that's where
I think he died.
What about you?
- I honestly have a hard time
watching this stuff.
- Ho ho not me.
I have a whole folder of this
sort of stuff on my desktop
at home. It's marked "taxes"
so my wife doesn't
snoop around in it.
- Getting back to the crisis
at hand. Millions and
millions of viewers around
the globe are mourning
the loss of billionaire
philanthropist Elron Branson
and watching the
develpments with
baited breath.
- So much so that Mars
Enterprises has set up
a 24 hour feed so concerned
citizens can monitor the
events in the space station
around the clock.
And with the sudden and
shockingly metal death
of the only person who knew
how to operate the ship
how do you think the
crew is holding up?
- I tell ya, it must be
incredibly, incredibly
tense up there. Let's take
a look at the feed.
- Where should we start?
- Hey why not the
womens bathroom?
- I like the way you think.
Stupid Kyle doesn't realize
what he's giving up.
But you're going to
remind him.
[lip smack]
You're the hottest
bitch on this planet.
Peggy: Pizza...
[mechanical whir]
Roast beef.
[mechanical whir]
Chocolate.
[mechanical whir]
Frosted Lucy Charms.
Reese's Puffs. Cocoa Puffs.
[seductive music]
Candace: Hi...
So... Todd huh?
That's an interesting name.
Todd: I'm not gonna stick
my dick in crazy.
- What?
- You just told your boyfriend
you're on a break.
You're hurt, you're angry,
you wana fuck somebody.
You're being crazy.
- Oh my god. I wouldn't
even think...
- Okay sweet.
That is not why I came
over here.
- Oh okay, my mistake.
- And for your information,
crazy girls are the best
in bed.
- That's not true.
That's just something
crazy girls say.
- Uh!
[seductive music]
Candace: Hey Peggy.
- They never said
there was a limit
on how much food
we can make.
- God it stinks in here.
Anyways, just wanted to
stop by and say
you were looking
pretty hot tonight.
- Shut up! Literally nobody
has ever said that to me.
Literally!
- That's a shame. 'Cause...
I think you're fucking sexy.
- Candace you are blowing
my mind right now.
- What do you say we...
lock this door,
put on some music, grab
a bottle of Everclear and...
- Candace I'm gonna stop
you right there...
I don't stick my fingers
in crazy.
- What?!
- It's my one rule!
Don't get me wrong Candace
you're a very attractive
woman. And I'd be lying if
I said I wasn't flattered...
But I know where this
road leads, and it's not
a place that either of us...
- What the fuck is wrong
with everyone on
this spaceship?
[seductive music]
[music turns sad]
Hey there. Wimmy right?
- Shhh.
- O-kay.
- Hi Candace. I was just
talking to my best friend.
Who's your best friend.
[groans]
This is so fucking hard.
What say you and I...
have a little drink?
- Let me stop you right there.
I do not imbibe.
But I am happy to provide
some non judgemental
company, while you poison
your brain and jepardize
your soul with alcohol.
[laughs]
You're funny.
Listen Wimmy. You're a
man with needs.
I'm a woman with needs.
What do you say
we help eachother out?
- What? No. No, no, no, no
no, no, no, no.
I am taken. Here's the
Tilliams clan right here.
[slap]
What!?
[sloppy kissing]
Candace! We just adultried.
I adultried.
I just betrayed my
wife and children.
[Candace cries]
I'm sorry. I just don't know
what's going on with me.
This whole thing with me
and Kyle has me...
feel like I'm losing
my mind!
[Candace cries]
I'm not usually like
this I swear.
- Okay, well...
The Lord has everything
happen for a reason.
So ah, maybe he can...
use this as a
teachable moment.
Okay, John 3:16 says:
For God so loved the Earth
that he gave
his only begotten son.
- Yeah but, Wimmy,
we're not on Earth.
- Well it says Earth...
but it means the whole
solar system.
- Well why would he say
Earth if he meant
solar system?
[laughs]
Candace.
Well, way back when this
was written, God probably
had no idea that in the
future Man would make it
to other planets.
Well, well, I mean he knew...
He just had, he had to
know, he just probably
didn't... I mean...
Hold on.
Kyle: Hey, hey I
mean I get it guys.
In high school I wasn't
the most popular guy either.
I didn't even kiss a girl
until I was eighteen.
[gasp]
Eighteen? Eighteen?
- That's not nerdy.
That's cool.
- No I didn't mean eighteen.
It wasn't eighteen. Ah...
I don't... I don't know why
I said that. It was way later.
It was like, like twenty.
- Twenty!?
...nine. Twenty nine.
I was twenty nine.
- Oh, okay. That's pretty
lame I guess.
I mean, I kissed a girl
when I was twenty eight.
- I didn't but I could have.
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute. You kissed a girl...
at twenty eight. Are you
sure I'm not talking to
a couple of
cools right now?
[embarrased laugh]
Yeah right. Get outta here.
You don't really think that.
- Oh I don't know. I'm getting
some really cool vibes
coming through this
monitor right now.
- Shut up.
- You know what would
be really cool though?
If you guys can help me
figure out how to fly
this thing back home.
[laugh, sniff]
Well.
I guess us cools
need to stick together.
- Ha ha ha, that's right!
- Okay, well, it's not
gonna be easy...
But I think if we
all keep our cool...
We'll be able to
walk you through it.
First thing you'll
need to do is refill
the spaceship's
fuel reserve tanks.
- Kyle, I'm so sorry.
Can we talk?
- Just, just, just a minute
Candace. The mission
control guys are helping
us get home.
- Alright, now to do this you
need to divert the fuel
from the stations resting
generators to the ships
return tank.
- Okay.
Resting generators got it.
- I cheated on
you with Wimmy.
- With Wimmy? What? Why?
Weird. Okay... Okay, alright.
Look, Candace, that is
really shitty and we will
have to talk about that but
I, I gotta do this right now.
- This is what I'm
talking about.
I traveled all the way
through space to get to
Mars to talk to you and all
you do is ignore me.
- Guys is this resting
generator thing an outside
kinda deal or is this
somewhere in the ship here?
- That is outside the ship.
- Right on the underside
of the central pod.
Candace: Hi-yeeeee!
- Candace no!
[crash, electronic buzz]
[dramatic music]
Two years of my life Kyle!
My two best years
wasted with you!
[grunts]
[click]
[alarm]
[click]
[metallic clink]
Oh my god!
- I could have married
Brian Delaney!
[grunts]
[crash]
[click]
[metallic rip]
[air hissing]
Candace! You
broke the air thing!
- Well now we're even
because you broke my heart.
- No, no, no, you broke
the fucking air thing.
Wimmy: The meek shall
inherit the Earth...
[paper rip]
The Earth is filled with the
steadfast love of the Lord.
[paper rip]
The Earth is the Lords
and the fullness thereof.
[scream]
The thing! She
fucking broke the thing.
We're gonna die!
Peggy: Do you want to
play future tennis with me?
- Todd, I don't know how to
fix the container and I
saw her do it. She threw
the thing and then it made
the, the thing, punch
right through it!
We're gonna die!
We're all gonna die!
- What are you
talking about?
- We're gonna die man!
- And why do you
think we're dying?
- Because I saw the fucking
air, our air is sucked...
out into outer space!
- Okay and how
did that happen?
- Because this...bitch!
Todd: Heeeeey.
Peggy: Woah.
- No, no, do not
judge me until I have
finished my sentence.
Because then, you will
see, that she has...
murdered you!
And she has murdered you!
And she has murdered you!
And she has also
committed suicide!
And killed Wimmy.
Where, where's Wimmy?
[unsettling music]
There is no God here. We
abandoned him when
we left the Earth!
He has no
jurisdiction up here.
The red planet is the
planet of... the Devil!
Okay, first of all, I'm going
to apologize to the room.
Uh... I lost my cool there.
I said some things
that didn't need
to be said and it's
important for a leader to
be calm and collected.
[laughing]
Todd: What?
- What?
- Dude you are amazing.
Hey can you say
that part about you
being the leader again?
- Kyle, do you want to
play future tennis with me?
- Kyle hates future tennis.
He thinks it's a game that
makes the person you
claimed to have loved for
two years, come and see
you after you've tried
to run away from them.
- Okay Candace? Can we
try and stay focused?
Please?
Life threatening situation
here. Ring a bell?
You threw a fit,
now we're fucked.
- We're fucked?
- Yes, we're fucked!
- We're not fucked. We
still have a perfectly
good spaceship sitting
right over there that
can take us home.
- No, the nerds said that
there's all this complicated
stuff we have to do.
- Let, let me guess
what they said.
We have to refuel?
Fill up the gas tank?
- They, well they said
"fuel reserve".
- Ah huh. I'm guessing
they're plan involves
something like diverting
the fuel from the stations
generators into the ships
reserve. Probably some
sort of exterior switch
and a transfer hose we
need to connect?
- Wait a minute...
Okay, I don't want to offend
you right now. But...
Are you smart?
[mocking]
Uh, I don't want to offend
you but are you smart?
- Todd can I get a
sidebar really quick?
Candace and Wimmy are
very crazy and Peggy...
is also very crazy. You,
you seem in a weird way,
not to be crazy. Do you
think you can help me
fix this ship?
- Ah, I think it will be more
like you helping me fix
the ship and... also
I don't need that.
- I find that to be
very encouraging.
[Candace crying]
[creepy music]
- Hey there lust muffin.
- What the fuck
did you just say?
- Guess what?
- What?
- Turns out you were right
about Satan ruling Mars.
I didn't say
anything about...
- I should have
seen it earlier.
It was right in front
of my... damn face.
Pardon my French.
I swear now.
- What are you
talking about?
- I was just in my room
indulging my own flesh.
Treatin' my body like
a damn playground.
- What is that?
- Playing with my private
parts... outside of marriage.
And I don't give a...
sh... sh... damn!
And guess what?
I loved it.
Now I get what all
the fuss is about.
- Why are you telling
me all this?
I'm here to take you
up on your offer.
I want to do
every damn thing.
[sigh]
Fuck it.
[metallic door]
These suits are pretty cool.
We just actually became
the first two people to
ever set foot on Mars.
Isn't that kinda crazy?
I mean, it is to me
a little bit, I mean...
That's a big...
That's a big deal.
[dragging sound]
Oh Todd be careful!
Oh, is that
the hose we need?
Oh good!
Hey how do you know
how to do all this stuff?
You seem really confident.
[clicks]
I don't know anything
mechanical.
I was an indoor kid.
[metallic clang]
I can't even change a flat.
[beeping]
Did that fix it?
Is it fixed?
[click, beep]
If you want to talk to me you
have to press this button.
[click, radio static]
[click, beep]
Yeah I wasn't talking.
[click, radio static]
[grunts]
I can't.
It won't go in.
It keeps bending.
Maybe your
butthole is broken.
- My butthole is not
broken Wimmy.
You have to be hard.
- I'm pretty hard. It just
keeps bending though.
[grunts]
Candace you need to relax
more so I can stuff it in.
There, I just got it in.
I'm in. We're
having sodomy. Wow.
- You're not in.
- No you're right.
It's out again... Damn.
- I gotta say Todd...
I am pretty impressed.
- Oh great, I impressed
Kyle that means a lot.
When I get home everyone
will be like "Hey Todd
how was Mars?" I'll be like
"It was okay, but the real
cool thing, is
while I was up there...
I impressed some idiot."
- Dude. What is the deal?
- What?
- What is with the
negativity man?
What is your issue
with me? Seriously?
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
- I don't like the
way you treat women.
- I'm sorry excuse me?
The way I treat women?
Did I bash her face in with
the lamp? Did I throw a
monitor at her head?
- It just didn't sit well with
me the way you were
throwing around the
B word back there.
- Wa... uh... She is
so mean to me.
She's been treating me
like this for two years
and she's wrecked
the spaceship now
and she's ruined my life.
- She ruined your life?
She came all the way up
to Mars for you.
- She is crazy.
- Yeah because you've
made her crazy.
- Look, you're obviously
not committed to your
relationship and you've just
been stringing her along
instead of manning up
and doing the right thing.
- What? Marry her?
- No. Break up with her.
Let her go find someone
who will actually give
a shit about her.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go fix the ship.
[creepy music]
Wimmy Tilliams is my name
and sinning is my new game.
Committing adultry
fealt that good...
I can't imagine how it must
feel to sin even harder.
Che che che, ah ah ah.
Khe khe khe, ah ah ah.
Jay Jay Jay, son son son.
Jay Jason
moo moo movies.
Hey there handsome...
Devil
[bad rock music]
When the going
get's tough
and the road is dark
and the trouble
never ends
there's always
one thing
that you can count on
I'm talking about friends
You can always
count on friends to
lift you up
when you are down
friends are always
there for you
when no one else
is around
Friends
That's what I'm
talking 'bout
Friends
You'd be a mess without
Friends
Monica, Phoebe, Ross
Joey, Chandler
and Ray hay chel
They're the gang that
you want to be with
whenever you
are able
Friends
You'd be a mess without
Friends
Buy it on Amazon
Friends
Do you remember the
slew of A list celebs
that were constantly
dropping by
Like Tom Selleck,
Giovanni Ribisi
Paul Rudd and
George Cloon-i
And last but not
least, we had
Brad Pitt
Hotter than anyone
Brad Pitt
King of celebrities
yeah
From Cool World
to Fight Club
He's never let us down
Last night I dreamt that
they renamed Hollywood
Brad Pitt Town
Ooooh
Oh shit I'm singing with
my eyes closed again, fuck.
Candace: I just don't
understand what you
want from me.
- Stop trying to make
me the bad guy here.
- Stop acting like one.
[music continues]
Ah okay, so sorry about that.
You missed a couple things.
Basically what happened was
while Todd finished fixing
the ship, Kyle tried to
explain to Candace all that
stuff that Todd was telling
him about how he wasn't
being fair to her. But he
he still didn't really
have the balls to tell her
how he honestly fealt, so
she's still confused and
unhappy, so she got all
pissed. And then he
got all defensive and it
was a pretty good scene.
Anyway, sorry, sorry again.
Watch Friends
[dramatic music]
I'm tired of all these
mind games Kyle.
Either love me,
or let me go.
- Look, I really do care
about you but, but I...
- Well by my calculations
we got 10 minutes of air left.
So let's do this thing.
Todd: Had to do some juri
rigging on the ignition
system, but this cord should
pull enough juice from the
main comm board
for us to blast off.
- Holy shit dude, I am
so glad you're smart.
- Alright, that's it.
Mars sucked.
Fuck it, let's go home.
And if the fat, nerdy bible
guy wants to come
with us, he better hurry
his ass up wherever he is.
[crash]
Wimmy: Dieeeeeee!
[knife stab, blood splat]
- What the fuck?
[body slams]
Peggy: Ahhh!
Candace: Fuck!
- Wimmy what the fuck?
- That was a big sin...
and Wimmy likey.
Wimmy likey a lot.
[slurp]
- Oh my God!
- There is no God
up here Kyle.
I have abandoned
the way of the Lamb.
I now worship...
the Goat.
[knife swipe, grunts]
The dark one demands
more sacrifices.
More blood for Satan!
Kyle: Guys, get in the ship.
Wimmy: Satan, Satan, Satan.
Candace: What?
Peggy: Todd let's go.
Kyle: Peggy, Candace get
in the ship, we gotta
get outta here.
Wimmy: Heavy metal music
Nudity, Democrats!
- Look, look Wimmy. A cross.
[Wimmy hisses]
Jesus. Remember how much
you like your buddy Jesus?
[Wimmy screams, hisses]
[grunts]
[click, door hisses]
- We're in, we made it.
We're all here, ha.
- Well, Todd's dead.
- Right, yeah, that's uh...
right yeah.
That, that, that's too bad.
- And Elron died.
- Shit right, yeah,
he, he also died.
- And I'm assuming Wimmy
won't survive when we leave.
- Well that's...
Well I mean...
fuck him right?
Come on let's just
get outta here.
Suck my dick Mars.
[click, beep]
Computer: Ignition in 10...
9...
8...
- Oh good, Wimmy's better.
Computer: 6...
Kyle: What?
Computer: 5...
4...
3...
[Electronic fuzz]
- What's happening?
- Why aren't we going?
Where's 2? Where's 1?
- Face me!
Face your feeeears!
- Ughhh...
This fucking guy is
ridiculous
- Fuck...
- What?
- Goodbye, Candice
- NO!
You are not doing this
again!
- Candice, I am not
running away from you
I-I just...
I don't love you.
And, maybe, I just
realized that myself
But I also know that you
You deserve someone
that does
[kiss]
[pneumatic door hiss]
[pneumatic door hiss]
- Ooo! A challenger!
- Wimmy get away
from the cord
- In this corner
fighting for the side of
SAAATAAAAN
WIIIIIMMMY
TIIIIILLAAAMS
- Jesus Christ...
- And fighting for the
side of his precious
Jesus Christ
KYYYLLLEEE
- Wimmy
I'm going to just
step over there
And I'm gonna pick
up the cord-
- MORTAL KOMBAT!!!
[Mortal Kombatesqe song]
Wimmy [singing]:
Dut dut dut Subzero
Wimmy [singing]:
Dat dat dat Subzero
Wimmy [singing]:
Dat dut dat dat dat dut
Wimmy [singing]:
Dat dut det dah dat Subzero
Kyle [Singing]:
Deh deh duh deh duh deh
Kyle [Singing]:
Duh det det den deh deh
Kyle [Singing]:
Duh den deh den deh den
- Fitting isn't it?!
That it would end up
the two of us!
Locked in battle-
[nut whomp]
[primal scream]
AAAUUGGHHHAA
OOWWWW!!!
Again?!
- Unbelieveable...
[pitiful groans]
- AHA!
KYLE: AH!
WIMMY: [crunch]
CANDICE: KYLE!!
WIMMY: [animal noises]
KYLE: HE FUCKIN' BIT ME!
WIMMY: [spits]
- I'm sorry...
[electric zaps]
[electric zaps]
-AHH!
[electric zaps]
[engine explosions]
[metallic tearing]
[crumbling clatter]
[engine roar]
[smashing noise]
- What the fuck??
[boat engine]
[phone buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
- Hello?! Hello?!
Hey! Kyle! What's up?! What's
up??
What's going on man?!
What's up?!?
[Kyle on the phone]
COOTER!
gaht- Where the hell
[Kyle on the phone]
have you been for
[Kyle on the phone]
the last two weeks??
- OH just been really
busy doin' work!
Lots of work stuff!
Just workin' on a lot
of work!
[phone kyle]
Well I've got a huge
[phone kyle]
problem, man!
[phone kyle]
The wedding is TODAY!
I know that!
I know that, man!
I'm on my way there
right now!
[inhale]
[coughing]
- TWINKS! TO THE CAR!
[tires screeching]
- OKAY TWINKS!
LISTEN THE FUCK UP!
Kyle needs us!
We're gonna do this
the right way!
When we hit the church
I want two twinks
stationed at the rear
I want two twinks
stationed on the roof
And I want three twinks
on me at all times
If this thing goes how
I think it's gonna go
we're gonna need to
dig a hole.
[church bell]
[doors smash open]
- TWINKS!!
DIG A HOLE!!!
[shoveling sounds]
- This is bad guys!
This is really really bad!
[faint police sirens]
[deep inhale]
[coughs]
- We need to lay low
until first light,
Then torch the car.
We'll boost a new one
and see if we can get to
the state line before
the dogs find that body
[spazzed sniff]
[exhale] Aaaaahhh...
I feel good Twinks.
I feel really, really good.
[inhale]
The world is ours!
[Television]
One more, in fact...
- Turn. That. UP!
[Television]
News Anchor: We couldn't
[Television]
believe it ourselves.
[Television]
Just this afternoon,
[Television]
a young Candice Simpson
[Television]
has left our planet to
join her fianc,
Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
Elron Branson approved
the use of the last
remaining supply pod
releasing a statement
saying
"Nothing is more important-"
[Television]
"-than true love."
[whispers to self]
- What in the FUCK?
[tires screeching]
-Why would they send
Candice up?
What's their angle?
I'm not buying this
"true love" horse shit
for one second!
But WHO benefits??
Sending a young lady
thirty-five million miles
to visit her boyfriend
doesn't float!
We need to FOL-LOW
THE MON-EY!
[primal yell]
[light metallic jangle]
[gurgle]
[death rattle]
[electronic beep]
[explosion]
- It's just a bunch of
contracts for
product placement and
deposits from investors...
That doesn't explain why
they'd send Candice up!
Hittin' a brick wall here.
Think, Cooter! THINK!
I need more meth!
[inhale]
[smack! smack! smack!]
- OF COURSE!!!
[electronic club music]
- Elron Branson took
twelve million dollars
from different investors
to showcase their
products on his
space station!
That's a lot of fuckin' money
for a passing mention
on the news!
My mind is a
FUCKIN' razor blade
I can SEE
in between TIME!
Only half of the
sponsors are paying
for the product placement
The others get a free ride
because they're
shell companies for
whoever's really in charge!
BUT WHO?!
What do these products
have in common?
They range from
everything between
home appliances and
pizza delivery services.
[twink pleasure noise]
[doorknob clicks]
- I got three large thick
crust pepperoini and
sausages for a...
Dopey Twink?
[door slam]
[nervous breathing]
- WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!
- I TOLD YOU
PAPANERO'S PIZZA!
- WRONG ANSWER!
[ hot iron sizzles ]
AAAHHHH!!!
Please stop!
PLEASE STOP!
PLEAAAASE!!!
I'm just trying to payoff
my student loans, man!
- If you wanna ever see
the light of day again
you'd better start talkin'!
TAKE US UP THE CHAIN!
- You're gonna have to
speak to my manager!
[door slams open]
- LUUUUCY!
I'M HOOOOOOOME!
- What the hell is going on?
- DADDY! HELP US!
[woman pleading]
No, no!
[deep inhale]
- DON'T WORRY, KYLE!
I'LL KILL AS MANY PEOPLE
AS I HAVE TO
TO GET YOU
BACK ON EARTH!
[ woman sobbing ]
- You recognize this
piece of shit?!
- I'm sorry, Mr. Keppler!
They cut my fucking
toe off!
- Oh, that's right.
You fucked with the
wrong people this time.
- I don't know what's
going on please.
Cooter: The ants are gonna
come in the morning bitch.
Chomp chomp.
Chomp chomp.
- I told you all I know.
Our parent company is
Technological Human
Electronic Household
Optimal Luxury Organic
Cyber Anthropomorphic
Utility Systems Treatment
Worldwide Analytic Software
- The Holocaust Was
Greatly Exaggerated!
They bankrolled the
whole fucking thing!
Branson didn't have the
scratch to pay for the
mission himself so he
links up with this company
and promises them the
best advertising opportunity
money can by. Now he just
needs people to tune in.
Candace shows up at the
launchpad and they're
like "Shit! This'll be
some drama."
"Let's send her
up so people can
watch the fireworks!"
But now you're telling me
that there's no way the
design of that ship would
be able to withstand the
radiation from the
Van Allen Belt?
- Yes, I, I worked in
aerospace engineering
for thirty-five years.
Please don't kill me.
Oh God don't kill me.
- Listen to this.
Radio: Billionaire
philanthropist Elron Branson
was killed today in a tragic
accident aboard the Mars
Enterprise space station.
- Bull fucking shit he was.
There's your twenty four
seven fucking permenant
paid fucking commercial
you fucking sick fucks.
Ah, my skin is on
fucking fire right now.
There's their headquarters
and I'll bet you all the
meth in the world that
they're doing more than
making home
appliances in there.
Aha!
Skinheads!
I knew it! All this time
I thought the Holocaust
Was Greatly Exaggerated
was just a hilarious name.
Now I see it's something
darker. It's a fucking front
for a White Power group.
Of course!
[flame, sucking]
Ah! My mind is moving in
hyperspace man.
They fucking pay Branson
to advertise their products
and set up an all White
colony on a new planet.
They think it will show
people how a one race
world would be a utopia!
Then with all the profits
from their product placements
they'll send up more
and more people!
- I so horny.
- Me too Sleepy. Me too.
But we have some
Nazis to kill.
[distant honking]
[engine reving]
Here we go twinks!
The entire energy of
the universe is
within us!
[metallic crash]
What in the fuck?
[impact explosion]
[tire skid]
Twinks!
That's the fucking
space ship!
They never went
to fucking Mars.
Branson and the fucking
Nazis knew they couldn't
get a hotel up there.
The whole thing was
a giant scam!
Branson steels billions
from investors, then that
phony fucker fackes his
own death and makes
off with the cash!
Then these skinhead pieces
of shit use the accident
to get the whole world
watching their bullshit
racist White utiopia
propaganda...
while getting rich
selling their
vacuum cleaners
and blenders!
It's almost too simple.
[alarms, fire]
- Huh?
[metal clanking]
[alarms, fire]
The station is wrecked.
How am I breathing?
[angelic music]
Wimmy: God?
Oh no, what have I done?
Forgive me Lord!
[gasp]
Jesus?
- Cooter?
- Kyle! What's up man?
- What the fuck, what is
hap... How are you on Mars?
- You never went to Mars.
You're in a warehouse 20
miles south of Carlan, NV.
The fucking Nazis used you
for their sick white supremecy
utopia commercial.
- What are you talking about?
- I had to beat the living
shit out of a pizza boy
to figure it out. But it's
all right now.
- Mister Cooter.
Skinheads!
[marching, grunts]
[gun cocks]
- Someone tell me
what is happening.
- Shit's starting
to get fun.
Twinks?
[gun cocks]
Light 'em up.
[gunfire]
[battle cries]
[bloody impacts]
[screaming]
[bloody splat]
[maniacial laughing]
[knife slice]
[gun fire]
[click, click]
Bashfull, I'm out of ammo!
Throw me another clip!
- Okay Mister Cooter.
[bloody impact]
Bashful!
[grunts, gun cock]
[battle cry, heavy gunfire]
[bloody splats]
[continuing gunfire]
[bullet shells chime]
[gunfire, meniacal laughter]
[bloody grunts]
[meniacal laughter]
[heavy bloody squirts]
News Anchor: Three hundred
and sixty seven people were
killed today in a firefight
outside of Carlan Nevada.
A horrific scene that lead
authorities to discover
Sir Elron Branson's entire
Mars Voyager mission
was a hoax.
Details are still unfolding
but from what we can tell
the now discraced billionaire
had elaborately faked his
own death with the help of
a white supremecist
home appliance company
in a scheme to bilk investors
out of their money
and sell products
with incredibly
offensive names.
Here we see the footage
For Elron Branson being taken
into custody
earlier this evening.
The four surviving astronauts
are finally being reconnected
with their loved ones
here on Earth.
- Ah, hey guys.
Had sort of a ah...
crazy trip, ha, ha.
And I have to go to jail now.
[child grunts, body fall]
That's all the time we have
tonight. Stay tuned for
Jimmy Fallon who's gonna
be playing "guess who"
with that squirrel from
the Oreos commercials.
[marching music]
Hey, how'd it go? Um...
What, what kinda
stuff are they asking?
- Just like...
what happened when
Wimmy went crazy
and stuff like that.
- Oh, okay. Um...
Are you doing alright?
- Yeah.
I'm still shaken up
a bit but... yeah.
So, I guess...
This is...
it.
- Yeah, I, I guess so.
So what are you
gonna do now?
Just hang around
at the bar with Cooter?
- Oh no. No.
Cooter's in a lot of
trouble. He killed like...
hundreds of people.
- Yeah but it was kinda
in self defence.
- No, no, no, no, before that
He killed like nine people
or something in the weeks
leading up to that gunfight.
I think like two of
them were children.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, huh, yeah.
- Are you going to
visit him in prison?
- Um... I don't think so.
- Well...
see you around.
- Hey Candace, um...
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I really am.
- I know.
And some day...
I'll be okay with it.
- Hey, Elron!
- Oh, hey Kyle.
Uh... How's it going?
- So is it true? It was all a
hoax from the beginning?
- Yep, ah. Pretty much, ah.
I thought if I made a deal
with those white nationalists
I can finally fake my
death and dissappear
with a ton of money.
- Dude I just don't get it.
You were already rich.
I mean you had everything.
Why would you want
to fake you're own death?
- Well...
I have this fiance who just
absolutely smothers me.
And then Cooter just kept
laughing and shooting
the corpses until they
just sort of like... jellified.
- Thank you Mister Capshaw.
[beep]
- I gotta say, this is kind
of a Godsend for us
here at NASA.
- What do you mean?
How so?
- Well this is exactly the
kind of story we need
to get the federal government
to give us our funding back.
- What happened to you
is a perfect example of
corporatism in the
sciences run amok.
- We're gonna put that
Peggy Bork lady on
every talk show in the
country telling this story.
- Peggy?
- Yeah. She's gonna be
a national hero.
We're gonna make her
the new face of NASA.
Neil Armstrong can suck
my fucking nuts.
We're in the Peggy
Bork business now.
- Ah, that's cool but...
What about me?
I mean I actually did...
way more stuff than Peggy.
- Yeah... The thing is uh...
Peggy more represents the
image we want out there...
for NASA.
- Are you fucking
kidding me? Cause she's...
I mean she's like...
Look I think that she's
mentally handicapped.
- Oh come on.
- Ohhh.
The thing is Kyle, a
cultural icon needs to
project a certain... essence
of American values
and... wholesomeness.
- What are you trying to say?
- Everyone's seen
the doll video.
- What doll video?
- Sandy.
[gasp]
What do you mean...
"everybody's seen
the video"?
- They played it on the
news pretty often while
you guys were
trapped up there.
Or, uh, trapped
down here.
Ha, trapped down here.
- We just can't have a
doll licker be the face
of the National Space
Agency.
[audience applause]
Host: Well the stranded
Martian passengers are
stranded no more.
And we know of one
little porcelain doll who's
probably very happy
that they're safe and sound.
[slide whistle,
audience laughter]
- Oh great.
I think that's the guy from
the news that licks dolls.
News Anchor: And Peggy
Bork national press tour
continues. This morning
she was seen playing
the xylophone with
Michael Strahan
on the Today Show.
And rumors are swirling
that Ryan Gossling has
been making romantic
andvances. Is it too early
to start talking about a new
Hollywood power couple?
Those two are hot.
- I am strongly attracted
to Peggy Bork.
- Well it looks like it's
just you and me Sandy.
From here on out, I have no
idea what's gonna happen
Oh...
Come here you.
[slurp]