Mary Magnum: Jiu-Jitsu Nun (2026) Movie Script
This week on TTTV, a retrospective movie
marathon of 90s action hero Jake Stryder.
Tune in and see the greatest hits, The
Last Piece, Unfinished Past, Deadly Twists
Jake Stryder, 90s icon, this week on TTTV.
He's not a career politician, he's
not a corporate shill, he's Vlad Russo,
running for city council.
I truly believe our brightest
days as a city are still yet to come.
To no longer be part of
the problem is not enough.
It's now time to be part of the solution.
That's why I'm happy to
announce my run for city council.
Hi Vlad, will you kiss my puppy?
So vote for me, Vlad Russo,
because I kiss puppies.
Lower drama, higher standards,
Vlad Russo for city council.
Brought to you by the strategic
council for urban management.
Hey sister, you uh, lost?
Or are you here to save us?
You know this ain't a
place for a gal like you.
I'd like to see what you
got underneath that robe.
Yeah, me too.
Ma'am, perhaps it's best you move on.
Ain't nobody confessing their sins today.
Now hold on there a minute, Spanky.
Let me get to know her a little bit first.
Is there something we
can do for you, sister?
You know, there's a room in the back.
I certainly have a long
confession I'd like to give you.
If you're open to it, that is.
You want to see what's under this robe?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, what's the meaning of this, sister?
Do any of you punk ass bitches
know where I can find Vlad Russo?
Did I fucking stutter?
I'm gonna take that
gun and fuck you with it.
Is it because you're dick less?
No.
Fuck!
- You three.
Do you know where I can find Vlad Russo?
I'm looking for his wife, Vicky Mendez.
Well, Vicky Russo now, I suppose.
You fat man, speak up.
Fat?
Yeah, I seen her.
I seen the top of her head.
That's good.
Oh, look at that.
Now I see the top of yours.
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You don't need to kill us.
We don't even like that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck Vlad.
What?
I guess I'll let you go then.
Really?
No, I lied.
Last chance.
Where is Russo?
You mean Councilman Russo?
I have no idea.
None.
I swear on the Lord Almighty.
Please, sister, have mercy.
No.
This is mercy.
Yo, what the fuck?
Jesus, please.
You believe in Jesus?
Yes, of course I do.
Say hi to him for me.
God.
Sister, sister, who are you?
I gots to know.
I'm Mary Magnum.
Hi.
Hi.
Mary, no, I can't.
Especially not here.
I know, I just.
What is it?
I think, uh, I think I'm gonna have to go.
Go where?
You know where.
I do?
You do.
Mary, this isn't about
the convent again, is it?
Really?
Is that honestly what you want?
You know what I want.
I know.
I do too.
- But.
Right.
Look, we both know merrying
and Vlad is the best thing.
He's an egotistical dick.
I know, but I just, I gotta
think about my Nana.
I can't afford her healthcare
with the shitty job I have right now.
You know that. And...
And I'm a broke loser.
Got it.
I didn't say that.
No, but I did.
Besides, I know everything's supposed to be
progressive these days, but in this town?
With my family?
I get it.
Shit's still as shit is.
Way.
Way.
Wish me luck.
You really gonna do it?
I think I have to.
Wow.
Mary Filomena going from
super soldier to rope folder.
Nice.
Thanks.
I just came out with that.
Oh, I know.
You're gonna hate it.
So are you.
True.
Well, maybe you can start saving
some lives instead of ending them.
Maybe.
Stop.
Ms. Deeds, 12 o'clock.
Thanks, Johnny.
Yeah, that would have been bad.
Deeds has the fastest mouth in the West.
No problem.
But now I have to get to work, so.
So?
Red Robin can't wait.
No, it can't.
There's short staff tonight.
You hate that job, Val.
I do, but not as much as I
hate not being able to pay rent.
Yeah.
Thanks for being our lookout, Johnny.
I love you.
I love you more.
Sister Mary.
Sister Agatha, you scared me.
I'm sorry, dear.
You've received a message.
Understood.
I'll be there soon to retrieve it.
It seemed urgent.
It was sent certified.
Have a blessed day.
Hi, Mary.
I hope this letter finds you well.
I know it's been a long
time since I've written.
My real life has kept me busy.
Let me start off by saying I'm proud
that you have kept to your commitment
to the convent.
I don't think I could ever do it.
I enjoy singing too much.
I miss all the singing we
could have done together.
Oh, I got Johnny a job here, as security.
Maybe you'll run into
him at The Watering Hole.
That's a local dive all the guards go to.
Anyway, I wanted to reach out just in case.
In case I'm not able to again.
Things here have gotten,
let's say, a bit scary.
It's such a cliche, I know.
The husband that starts off promising
you the world then ends up revealing
himself to be a drunken, violent,
possessive fiend that would sooner kill me
than see me have any
freedom or joy in my life.
The fact that he's in government just
makes the cliche that much more of a joke.
A joke on me, of course.
Maybe you can ask God why
his sense of humor is so twisted.
I stopped talking to him a long time ago.
Anyway, if I don't see you again,
I want you to know that I never
stopped loving you, and I never will.
Take care of yourself, Mary.
Sincerely, Vicky.
Daniel?
Are you okay?
Do you need anything?
Is there anything I can do?
Daniel, did something happen?
You can talk to me.
Yes.
It's Sister Mary.
C'mon in, Sister.
Hello, Sister Mary.
Can I help you with something?
Sorry to interrupt all your work in
Father Miller, but I need to discuss
something urgently with you.
Of course.
I just spoke with Daniel, the altar boy.
Ah, Daniel.
Yes, such a good kid.
Yes.
He said something to me that
well, very much disturbed me, Father.
Oh?
He told me that one of the
priests was inappropriate with him.
What do you mean?
I think it's pretty clear what I mean.
Well, this is terrible news.
I would say so, yes.
Did he say who it was?
He did.
Well, tell me.
Obviously, this can't be tolerated.
Tell me so I can take
it up with whoever it is.
He said it was you.
I beg your pardon?
He said it was you, Father Miller.
Well, that's just preposterous.
I heard the boy misspoke.
He seemed pretty certain to me.
Be careful with your tone, Sister.
You've only been with us for a year,
and in that time, you've proven yourself
to be a very devoted sister.
Do not tarnish that with false accusations.
You're denying it?
Absolutely, I'm denying it.
The boy is clearly confused and may
even be rebelling against the church.
Wasn't he the one whose parents
forced him to become an altar boy?
I believe so.
Well, there you go.
What better way to get sent out
than to make up a story about a
creepy priest?
Please, Mary, I've never even spoken
more than a few words with him during.
Mass.
My name was probably
the easiest to remember.
Now, if you don't mind, I
have some work to finish.
I'll tell you what.
Send Daniel in here and
I'll speak with him myself.
I'll settle this.
How about I bring him over
and sit in on the meeting?
Mary, you and I both know a
young boy knows how to play on the
emotions of any motherly figure.
Let me have a man-to-man
talk with him and I'll get to the
bottom of what's really going on.
I promise I will treat him
with the utmost sensitivity.
Now, be on your way and send him here.
He knows the way.
How?
Excuse me?
How does he know the way?
You mentioned you'd only spoken
a few words with him at Mass.
Mary, the location of my
office is common knowledge.
Actually, it's not.
I remember it took several months for
me to even be allowed to know which
office you're in.
I was told it was to protect
your peace while you worked.
Well, it's different for altar boys.
I bet it is.
For Mass, they need to be able to retreat.
I don't owe you any more explanation.
Now, please leave before I report
you as insubordinate to Sister Agatha.
I'm going to bring Daniel here with
Sister Agatha and we're going to get to
the bottom of this.
Sister Mary, I don't think you know
what you're doing and you're walking on
dangerous ground here.
Is it a threat, Father?
Those are your words.
Now, leave.
No.
Well, well.
Sister Mary.
Or should I say Sergeant Edwina Philomena.
Oh yeah, I did some digging.
You're quite the legend.
Best sharpshooter in your unit.
Father Miller, I'm not sure why
this-The way you took down that insurgent
nest in Kandahar?
Beautiful.
How do you know about that?
The Lord worked some mysterious ways.
Those days are over.
Then there's the hand-to-hand aspect.
Took down five men in a street
brawl without breaking a sweat.
Broken noses, shattered pride,
even made one of them cry.
Oh yeah, I know about that too.
That was self-defense.
Of course it was.
And who are you now?
God's own enforcer, come to
take down the big, bad, evil priest?
Perhaps.
Fiery.
I like it.
But sadly, I must inform
you've heard some nasty rumors.
It's not a rumor.
You molested that boy.
A soldier nun with blood on her hands?
You think you're any different than me?
A sin is a sin, Mary.
Me killing soldiers and men that deserved it
is a far cry from you diddling little boys.
Rumors, I says.
Reality, I says.
I really think it'd be best if
you turn around and left, sister.
Otherwise, I might have to
claim self-defense myself.
It was awful.
She came at me in rage that I
had uncovered her violent past.
I merely wished for her to confess
her sins, but she came at me with
the ferocity of a savage beast
and I had no choice but to side.
That's funny.
That's the same model I used to carry.
You know how to use it?
Oh, I'm pretty sure I do.
So what's it gonna be, sister Mary?
You gonna walk out of here and
keep your mouth shut or be carried out
in a body bag zip shut?
And I wouldn't worry about the boy.
He wasn't the first,
nor will he be the last.
You.
You wouldn't dare.
God forgives.
I don't.
Forgive me, Lord, for what I've done.
And for what I must do.
Oh, dude.
Oh, so silly.
Jay, did I ever tell you that my dad
was Jake Styder?
Wait, what?
Bullshit.
Your dad was Jake Stryder.
You heard of him.
You kidding?
He's my hero.
He's the most badass
action star of the 90s.
That's an understatement.
Why do you think I have these up?
Yeah, that's cool.
Is that the Chinese bootleg version?
The one with the typos?
Yeah, it was actually
really hard to find on eBay.
I spent way too much money on it.
Wow, I just assumed you were a fan.
I had no idea he was your dad.
That's so cool.
Not only was he the best dad, he
was the best sensei a guy could ask for.
You know who was trained by him, too.
Did you know that?
Who?
What, Vlad?
Vlad was a student of my dad.
Why am I only hearing about this now?
Well, I assumed you knew
since you had the posters up.
Cheesy Puff?
Sorry, man.
Didn't mean to blow your mind.
You're fine.
Small world.
Still can't believe nobody's said anything.
Why would they?
Plus, it ain't easy talking
with one of these on.
That's for sure.
Yeah, you're lucky you don't have
to wear one all the time down here.
Personally, I think they're asinine,
but, you know, they pay the bills.
Yes, but you said it, man.
I'm stuck down here.
At least you guys get
to move around freely.
I don't know about freely.
Hey, how's Vicky?
Ever since I started this
job, I never get to see her.
She's okay.
Hey, so really, how was it
having Jake Stryder as your dad?
Honestly, dude, it was amazing.
He was the best man that I ever knew.
So honest, and he was kind,
and, God, he loved helping people.
He had more integrity than
you and I will ever know.
I can imagine.
Damn.
Hey, I'm sorry what
happened to your father.
He was an honorable man.
Thanks, man.
Well, having him as your
teacher must be badass.
I bet you can take any of us out.
You know, I wish that
were true, but it's not.
You know, I never could quite get
to his level, but then again, you could.
True.
True.
Well, I gotta get back to it.
Thank you for the cheesy
puff and the chat, my brother.
Hey, man, anytime.
I'm gonna start calling you Jake
Stryder Jr. from now on, man.
No, don't go do that.
I appreciate you, Johnny.
You're always a good man.
Take it easy, brother.
See you, Jake.
Hi, boys.
I'm now online and I'm ready to
fulfill your every wish for a prize.
All right, who's gonna go first?
Oh, hello.
Who have I got in here?
Hi, I'm Joey.
Oh, hi, Joey, handsome.
What can I do for you today, my love?
Well, I'm a little shy to ask.
You don't have to be.
We're friends and I
can do anything for you.
Well, I was wondering if you'd
be willing to poop in a cup.
What?
And then I'd really like it if
you send it to me in a box
so I can rub it all over myself.
Gross.
Oh, my gosh.
Now what?
Oh, what the fuck are you doing?
Like you told me that you are
going to find some other girls.
Why are you making me do all of this?
The other girls are doing
their jobs elsewhere, darling.
Oh, so you already have them working?
What, you think that I didn't?
Well, I don't know.
I thought maybe...
That's the issue, bitch.
You keep thinking.
Stop.
It's not your strong suit.
Now get going before I have Chester
the molester there handle you in ways you
won't enjoy.
Ew.
All right, all right, all right.
Now who's my number one ho?
Me.
Say it.
I'm your number one ho.
Ah, there you go, yes.
Okay, I love you.
Bye.
Are you serious?
All right, guys, I'm back.
Meditation doesn't fight digestion.
It listens to it.
Calming the mind.
Easing the gut.
Your stomach is upset again.
Before you try to argue
with it, try breathing.
Holy shit.
Mary.
Mary!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, it's me.
Johnny?
Yeah.
Long time.
I think you mentioned you might
be here, but I scanned a room.
I didn't see you.
I was in the crapper.
This job's giving me IBS.
It's a bitch.
Sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we all got our shit.
Indeed.
So I hear you're looking for Vlad.
You know I work security, right?
I think you mentioned that.
That's why I was looking for you.
Would have saved me
from making all that mess.
What a beautiful mess it was.
See, that rage-filled soldier I met
all those years ago can't be buried by
the habit.
We all have our bad habits.
Miss Edwina.
Hey!
Don't ever say that name again
unless you want to stump for a leg.
Alright.
Sorry.
You're telling me that Vicky
doesn't know that's your real name?
No.
Well, we'll keep it that way.
Because you're never
going to repeat it, right?
Right.
Sorry.
Thank you.
So, uh, want to go somewhere and talk?
That all sounds horrible.
Yeah.
I've been trying to find a way to
get her out of the craziness, but...
I just don't see how.
I'd be taken out quicker than
you could say skippity-bounce.
If only my dad was still here.
You know, he'd go in there
and show Vlad what's what.
I wish I was half the man that he was.
Hey.
You are.
Nah, I'm a coward.
You're just being realistic.
You know, I just found out that
Vlad was a student of my dad's.
No way.
Yep.
I couldn't believe it myself.
Such a crazy world.
I guess.
I've missed you.
I've missed you too, Johnny.
Yeah, I've missed you, like, a lot, though.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Have you gotten much time to talk to Vicky?
Zero.
Ever since I started this job,
I'm not allowed to talk to her.
You know what she needs?
A force of nature like you.
You can get me in?
Oh, I can get you in.
It'll be tricky.
Wearing that garb might help.
Let's do it.
Ahem, ahem.
Sir.
The fuck do you want, Melvin?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Sorry.
You know your wife?
Your wife was asking if
she could maybe go out?
And what did I say about my wife going out?
I don't know.
Did you say something about that?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
I said that she goes out never.
Ever.
You said that because I don't
remember you saying that.
Don't question me, Melvin.
Don't you ever question me.
Nobody ever questions what Vlyad says.
Do you understand that?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, but if you told me, I would
have remembered it, because I would
have done it.
I just don't remember you saying it.
Melvin, I said she goes nowhere.
Nowhere.
Yes, sir, I understand.
Now get the fuck out of here before I
use my special twist wrist punch on you.
That one where my knuckles twist in a
peculiar way that's impossible for normal
humans to do, but for some reason I can.
Sir.
For fuck's sake, Melvin.
What?
What?
I meant to ask, but the guys were asking.
Not me.
I have no questions, but the boys
were asking if they always had to wear
the shades and the mask because
they're getting really hot and sweaty and
they're a little claustrophobic.
They're getting really hot and
sweaty and they're having a bad time.
Okay, what you can do is you
can go over there and you can tell
those little fucking whiny faggots that
they will keep their masks and hoods
and jackets on the whole time
and I don't give a fuck if they die
from heat exhaustion because I got
security cameras all over this fucking
place.
It's a security issue.
You got that?
Yes, sir, I got that.
Don't ever, ever
question Vlyad's authority.
Do you understand that?
Yes, sir, of course.
I say jump.
You say through what window, sir?
Self-defenestration, yes, sir.
I say slam your shit
against a fucking wall.
You say how many times, sir?
Do you got that?
I got that, sir.
Fantastic.
Amazing.
Now get the fuck out of here and
bring me back a goddamn coconut milk
latte, you useless fuck stick.
Yes, sir.
Sir?
Hot or iced?
Iced, please.
Yes, sir.
He said iced this time!
And Vicky, you have to stay in your room!
We got a bogey.
Forgive my intrusion,
but I'm lost in this area.
No money, no phone.
Would you be so kind as to help
a needy Nun out?
How do we know that you're really a nun?
If I read some scripture, would that help?
Matthew 25, 35.
For I was hungry, and you gave me food.
For I was thirsty, and you
gave me something to drink.
For I was a stranger, and you welcomed me.
Well, I'm convinced.
What?
Come on in, sister.
Much obliged.
This is a lovely home.
It's more of a compound, really.
It's lovely.
It's not the word I would use.
Do you need to use the phone, sister?
Yes, please.
Hello?
God?
I'd like to make a request.
And I request that you spare these
two lovely gentlemen from too much pain.
Oh.
You are fierce.
Nice sweep, by the way.
Sorry if I went a little too hard on you.
No, it's fine.
But you don't have much time.
All right?
If you go upstairs, you should be
able to get to Vlad's office undetected.
I'm the only one on monitor.
So as long as I keep it
quiet, you should be fine.
Where's Vicky?
She's also upstairs, but she's
on the other end of the building.
There's really no way to get
to her without going past Vlad.
I feel it would be like that.
Thanks, Johnny.
Don't thank me.
Just get out Vicky out of here.
Then end Vlad.
Amen.
Did I tell you you're a badass?
Not today.
You're a badass.
Hold it.
What are you doing in here?
Who are you?
Forgive me.
I'm here to spread the word of God.
Are you ready to receive it?
What?
Get your back against
the wall and turn around.
I can assure you there's
no need for hostility.
I'm here as a humble servant
of the Lord upon Vlad's request.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I haven't received any such updates.
I talked to the front door man.
He's aware.
Okay.
Don't move.
You have nothing to fear from me.
Hey, Johnny.
There's some nun
saying that you let her in?
That's Sister Mary.
Yeah.
She has a message for you.
For me?
From the Lord.
Are you ready to receive it?
What the?
Johnny, what the fuck?
The Lord's word of God is sleep.
Why?
I don't know why, but I wish I knew.
If life were simple.
We could have a house
in the woods together.
Have the garden we always wanted.
Don't forget the pond with the frogs.
And the turtles.
Of course.
And chickens.
And some ducks.
A couple goats.
And a llama.
A llama?
Yes.
Why?
Why not?
Llamas are cool and cute.
You're cool and cute?
I know.
Oh, and cocky.
I just want to be able to say
Rama Lama Ding Dong, you know?
Can't you just say that anytime you want?
I just did.
Right.
Exactly.
What?
No, stop!
Stop!
I'm gonna pee myself!
Stop!
Oh, no.
Not again.
I was only once and I
warned you as well, so.
Oh, fine.
Tell me.
I'm gonna miss this.
Me too.
You know who else says
he has a house in the forest?
Don't bring him up.
I know, it's just...
He keeps coming after me.
I think he really loves me.
I really love you.
I know, it's...
It's just my family.
Right.
They wouldn't understand and...
They need help and I'm just not
doing as well, so I hope I know.
I understand.
I wish I had the money.
No.
Please don't feel guilty.
I...
I just think life maybe took us
both in directions we didn't expect.
So...
What will become of us, Miss...
Vicky Mendez?
I don't know, Miss Edwina Filomena.
Filomena is not to use that name again.
Oh my god, but I love it, it's so cute.
I hate it.
No, I don't hate you.
I don't hate you either.
Freeze!
Identify yourself.
I'm Sister Mary.
I'm here only to help you find God.
Oh yeah?
And how are you gonna do that?
Like that.
What the fuck?
Is that a nun?
Freeze!
Now, who are you and
what are you doing here?
Wait, how'd you even get in here?
That's quite a few questions
at once, young man.
Give a nun a minute to compose her answers.
Mary Magnum, to kill you all.
And your mom let me in.
What kind of nun are you?
Your name's Mary Magnum?
Yeah.
That's kind of cool.
And as for what kind of nun I am...
I'm this kind.
Nice.
May the Lord have mercy on your
souls, as I will have zero mercy on
your lives.
Ah!
All right, let's do this, nun.
Bitch, come here!
You broke my arm!
Forgive them, father.
For they were just too high-strung.
You fucking beast!
Johnny!
What the fuck are you doing?
Back off, whoever you are in there.
What do you mean?
It's Christoph!
Oh, shit, Christoph!
How you been?
I haven't seen you in forever.
Oh, great!
We've been to Orlando, it
was an amazing time, and...
Wait, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
Do you know this chick?
Yeah.
She's my friend.
Friend?
Traitor.
I'm too poor for this shit.
I thought you were Russian.
What?
Rushing into that ass, I think.
You're dumb.
Yeah, I know.
It's part of my charm.
Come on.
Thank you over there.
Relax.
That was nothing.
Your dad will be proud.
Thanks.
I don't know if it's true, but...
Thanks.
I know it is.
No, no, no, no.
You didn't know the
perfectionist that my dad was.
He trained every move so meticulously,
and made them look effortless.
He had this one kick.
This triple kick.
He could take three guys out in one go.
It was awe-inspiring.
No matter how hard I trained,
I just never could get it right.
Even in a practice space
with guys helping me.
But he could do it for real.
That was the rumor, anyway.
That's quite a mythology about him, huh?
But hey.
It's time for you to create your own now.
I know I heard something.
I mean, shut the fuck up.
Damn, Rue.
Nobody here is coming if
you keep fucking yapping.
Still, there's a nicer way
to say things like that.
No need to be a dick.
I always knew you were a queer.
Yeah, so?
I never said I wasn't.
Wait, are you being serious?
I was just talking-Yeah, I'm being serious.
Do we have an issue?
Okay, good.
Oh, shit!
Shit.
Well, there goes trivia night
on Thursdays with Andrew.
So I was thinking,
maybe it's best we split up.
I can distract them for you.
You sure?
Yeah.
Mythology, remember?
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
So, uh, what the fuck is going on?
I'm not doing those videos anymore.
What?
You heard me.
What do you mean?
I feel gross.
Oh.
Gross.
Okay, all right.
Well, would you rather do this,
or I have a bunch of guys come in
here and have their
way with you in the flesh?
Hmm?
I know a bunch of guys in this place
that wouldn't mind running a train
on you, that's for sure.
Darling, sweet, love of my life.
At least this way nobody's gonna touch you.
Goddamn, you bitches are so entitled.
Holy shit.
Do you know how many girls there
are out there that are doing this exact
same thing of their own volition?
Well, that's the point.
They're making their choice.
They're not being forced.
You think I'm forcing you?
Yeah.
Really?
Huh.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Leave.
Are you serious?
Does it look like I'm joking?
So you're just gonna let me leave?
Yep.
Okay, then.
Just know that if you do leave,
that you can't ever come back.
You signed a prenup.
So even if you do leave,
you ain't getting shit.
As a matter of fact, once my lawyers
are done with your bitch ass, you're
gonna owe me a shit ton of Skrilla.
At least let me sleep.
Ah, lady.
Freedom is not free.
You kidding me?
Come on.
Does he always have to watch me, though?
Why can't I just do this alone?
Oh, Chester?
Yes.
Because of the dumb shit you did last time.
I have to have him here to make
sure that you do what the fuck
I tell you to do instead
of some crazy ass shit!
Why do you hate me so much?
Darling, I don't hate you.
No, I don't hate you at all.
I love you with every ounce of my heart.
I'm trying to make us some money.
You like money, don't you?
I mean-Shut the fuck up.
Everybody loves money, okay?
That's why it's called money.
That makes no sense.
Of course it does.
If you just think about it real deep,
dig down deep inside, of course it
does, okay?
So we good?
Yes?
All good?
You gonna do what
the fuck I tell you to do?
Hmm?
Am I gonna have to get serious?
We good.
Sweet.
Awesome.
Fantastic.
I love it.
Now.
Woo!
Let's have some action!
I want some asses wiggling.
I want perfection.
Yes!
Woo!
Let's do it, baby.
Hey!
I fucking love you, okay?
All right, toodles.
You fucking asshole.
Woo.
Seven that time.
Yeah.
Five for me.
Sorry about that.
Five is great.
Yep.
Seven's heaven, though.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Nope.
Thank you.
Nope.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Muchas Gracias, usted.
In Spanish?
Okay.
Domo a rig a to.
Damn. You're such a nerd.
I'm a nerd.
And you're a nun.
Not yet.
Well, clearly.
I'm gonna miss you.
I know.
Aren't you supposed to say
you're gonna miss me, too?
You jerk.
Me?
Miss you?
I'll miss anyone but you.
Oh, of course.
What was I thinking?
Nothing.
You never think.
You're right.
That's how I ended up here with you.
Dumb.
You mean that you're only with me because
you're not the brightest tool in the shed?
I think you mean the
sharpest tool in the shed?
Well, isn't it the brightest?
No.
I could swear.
You might be thinking brightest bulb.
No, I don't.
I don't think that's a saying.
I think they say you're not the
brightest, but there is no bulb after.
I'm a foreigner.
What do I know?
Oh, no wait.
Yes, yes.
It is.
You're not the brightest bulb?
And that's it.
And then for the sharpest tool, it's
only if it's the sharpest tool in the...
Yeah, who cares?
Should I make us some flapjacks?
Flapjacks?
You mean pancakes?
Yeah, it's just my abuelo
used to call them flapjacks.
It was his way of sounding American.
And he also ate them at night,
so that's kind of my thing now.
I don't know.
I'm too Polish for this shit.
What do you think?
Some flapjacks, some bacon,
some butter, and some eggs.
Yum.
You're not too Polish for that shit?
Never.
Have you had Polish pancakes?
Is that a thing?
Kind of.
We called them racuchy.
Ratzuchy?
Not even close.
Oh, yes.
If your Spanish was so good.
Como esta usted?
It was better than whatever
that broken attempt at Polish was.
That's mean.
And then how come you've never
made me some of those ratzuchy?
Whatever.
Well, first of all, you never asked.
And second, I don't cook.
You don't?
No.
Not one of my talents.
Huh.
I'm good at other things.
Yes, you are.
Still not fair though.
That means I'm the one
who always has to cook.
If only there can be an always.
And remember, wrist
twist, knuckles down, go.
Again.
Again.
Again.
With fierceness, boy.
You're aiming for your own nutsack.
Go.
A-hem, hem.
Yes?
Melvin?
So some of us guys were
talking and we're just curious of...
What you boys like doing, huh?
Like to talk?
It's a very normal human
form of communication.
It's what separates us
from the animals, sir.
And so we were talking and we're just
curious, why is this punch more effective
than every other punch that's
ever existed in the history of time?
Oh.
Anybody else have any questions?
No, sir.
No, sir.
All right.
All right.
You want to know why I
find this punch to be so vital?
Melvin?
Huh?
Melvin?
Okay.
Let me tell you a bedtime story, boys.
Picture this.
Smolensk, 1998.
I'm 15, skinny, ugly, nose like a question
mark, and acne that you could read
like braille.
But I had ambition and a problem.
It was this guy, Yakov the Bear.
We call him the Bear because he
smelled like wet fur and vodka piss.
He ran the local arcade slash bordello
slash pierogi stand, and he hated kids
with dreams.
So I stole from him.
Don't judge me.
I was hungry and curious
and also rather stupid.
So he caught me, drug
me into the back room.
The smell alone nearly killed me.
Hanging from the ceiling was a meat
hook like a party favor from Satan's
quinceaera, and he says to me, little
Vlad, I'm gonna hang you from that hook
like a Christmas ham.
I could have begged.
I could have cried.
I could have wet myself.
And I did, all three.
But now I remember something
my grandma told me once.
God, she was a lunatic.
But occasionally she would drop little
hints of wisdom like a bad rapper drops
a shitty track.
She said to me, Vlad, if you ever
need to kill somebody quickly, make your
punch look like a mistake.
So through my punch, not straight,
not clean, I put this little idiot twist in
there like I was trying to scratch
my balls while reaching for the sky.
I smashed that fucker right in throat.
He fell down to the ground,
gurgling in his own blood.
Sounded like a Soviet dishwasher
trying to confess its own sins.
So I walked home
covered in piss and triumph.
And it was this punch, this
punch, it's what bought me my
first gun, my first bribe, and
my first Tesla full of cocaine.
Bad decision.
I'm still taking this.
So you will learn this punch.
You will love this punch.
You will tattoo this punch upon your
soul because one day when your back is
against the meat hook and you got a
bear breathing down your neck, this punch
is gonna make you king.
All right, now line up your bastards.
And remember, fist down, twist the
wrist, Turn like you hate your own fucking
reflection.
Go!
What?
Gay?
Oh, it's Jay, sir.
Uh, does that mean that you got a nose job?
What?
Sir, I'm just saying, because you
mentioned that your nose looked like a
question mark.
But it looks amazing.
It looks great.
And whoever did that nose
job was-Alright, that's it.
Training's over.
I'm beat.
Everybody go away.
Whichever one of you fuck sticks is
still alive, please clean up this mess.
And will somebody, for Christ's
sake, get me a chocolate martini!
Gotcha, sir.
On a side of hash
browns would be nice, too.
Thank you.
Sir!
Johnny, the fuck are
you doing up here, man?
I had to take a piss.
Up here?
Yeah, the toilet down there sucks.
It doesn't even flush half the time.
That's true.
Well, there's been some reports of some
commotion going on in the upper levels.
You see anything?
No, no.
But then again, I was up here
taking a shit, so maybe I could
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You just said you were taking a piss.
Now you're taking a shit?
I can't do both?
Just command one.
I've got an intruder.
What are you doing?
I'm calling for backup.
There's some weird shit
going on in the building.
I think you're overreacting.
Come on, call it off.
Anyone copy?
Copy.
We'll scan the upper floors.
We just got out of training.
Fuck.
I hate that I just missed that.
Yeah, he taught us the punch.
Oh.
Yep, you missed out.
Fuck.
Great back story, too.
Oh, there's a back story?
There is.
It's epic.
Vodka piss.
Vodka piss.
Oh, it's vodka piss.
Okay, we're hitting the search now.
Okay, I'll come join you.
What are you tripping, man?
Come on, I wasn't even gone that long.
Look, Johnny, I've never trusted you, man.
There's always been
something squirrely about you.
Come on, man.
I'm a swell guy.
That, that, that.
See?
That?
No one says swell.
Clark Kent says swell.
Who the fuck is that?
Really?
You know, they say you've got balls
big enough to come in a dump truck.
But I've never really seen that about you.
Especially the Jake Stryder's kid.
That's valid.
You don't really defend yourself, huh?
So what if I said your dad is overrated?
I would say opinions vary.
So what if I said your dad's a cocksucker?
Then what?
I would tell you to tread lightly.
Oh, you gonna get all hard on me now?
It's funny.
I heard that last night from your wife.
Fuck!
Come in, Channel One.
Cancel that search.
There's no signs of bogeys here at Control.
We're good.
We're chillin'.
We're so good.
How are you?
Negative.
I've already got guys combing the area.
Yeah, just spoke to Vlad
and he wants it called off.
I highly doubt that.
Let me confirm.
How about I get him to radio you?
Copy.
We'll continue our search until
we hear directly from Mr. Russo.
Okay.
Copy.
Over and out.
Channel Nine.
Emergency call.
This better be fuckin' life-altering.
Yes, sir.
I think we have an intruder.
Permission to come up
and show you some footage?
Can't you just send me the damn feed?
Negative, sir.
The connection's pretty shoddy.
The IT guys keep changing the times.
I would ask you to
come down yourself, but...
Fine.
Permission to use the elevator.
Make it quick.
I got a therapy session in 20.
Okay.
Copy.
Out.
Freeze!
Drop that gun!
I have a prayer for you.
Fuck your prayer!
How ungodly of you.
Drop that gun now, or
we're all gonna light you up!
The only light I receive is God's light.
And that light will shine on all of you.
Well, well, well.
You're a damn good shot for a nun.
Prayer helps.
Yeah, I bet it does.
So now what?
How about I keep my gun and you drop yours?
Okay.
Hey, fuck you!
So here's what we're gonna do.
On the count of three, we're
both gonna put our guns down.
All right?
And then we fight fair?
Yeah, sure.
Fair.
I trust you as one of God's children.
I'm honored to be trusted by a nun.
You gonna do this or what?
Here goes.
One.
Two.
Three.
What?
Is that a cow?
Huh?
Oh!
Whoa!
Nice!
You almost got me with that cow line!
I did.
Can you imagine?
Man, that would have been hilarious.
It would have.
Alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Yeah.
So it goes.
All right, for real, though.
We gonna do this?
Sure, why not?
All right.
One.
Two.
Three.
Got a surprise for you.
Hey, you said fair.
I lied.
How's that for a surprise?
Mine's better.
Well, well, well.
It's been a while since you've
been up this way, Johnny boy.
This better be important.
It is, sir.
I've been hearing a lot of gunfire downstairs,
but the monitor feed seems to be out.
You wouldn't have something
to show me, would you?
Yes, sir, I do.
It's right here.
What exactly are you planning
on doing with that, Johnny?
It all depends on how
reasonable you're willing to be.
All I want is to take Vicki out of here.
Oh.
Is that all you want?
That's all.
Oh, Johnny, why didn't you say so, man?
Go ahead, take her, go.
Wait, really?
No, you stupid fucking dick lick.
Neither of you are going anywhere.
Don't know how you can say
that with a gun pointed in your face.
Think this is the first time some
penis has pointed a gun at me?
I really don't know how to answer that.
The answer is many times, Johnny.
And it always ended badly
for them, as it will for you also.
I can't wait to see how you pull that off.
You know I knew your dad, right?
Yeah, just heard that.
Do you know how close we were?
Yeah, right.
No, no, it's true.
We were, um, very close.
No way.
He'd never be friends
with someone like you.
He may have taught you, but that's just
because he was generous with his time
and his teachings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jake Stryder.
Blah, blah, blah.
He's the greatest human that's ever lived.
You ever hear of a student of
his by the name of Eric Leiva?
Yeah.
Well, that was the name that I
had when I trained under him.
What?
Why?
Well, long story short, my dad was
a criminal piece of shit, and we were
in hiding.
So when I was ten, I had to change it.
He always said that Eric
was one of his best students.
That he wanted me to meet you.
But I never could, because...
He died.
Because he betrayed him.
Eric, you betrayed his trust.
You stole from the school, right?
He entrusted me to train some of his
younger students, and I robbed him blind.
Why?
Why would you do that?
You were his best student.
I was so much more than that, Johnny boy.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Remember how he died, yeah?
I'll never forget.
He was killed by a mugger.
They never found the guy,
so we never knew who he was.
Now you do.
No.
You lying sack of shit.
No.
There's no way.
What good is wisdom, Johnny,
when it doesn't profit the wise?
You've been working for the guy that ended
your father's life and didn't even know it.
Johnny.
Now, I'm gonna end that legacy for good.
Come on, Johnny.
Really?
You couldn't face me
yourself, you fucking coward.
Come on, Johnny boy.
You just gotta pass this one last test,
and you can face your unfinished past.
Johnny.
Johnny.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I think.
Like I always said, bullets
don't care about choreography.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Wait.
I have to tell you something.
I've always had a crush on you.
All those years training together, you
were kind of the reason I kept showing up.
I was always trying to impress
you, and I thought I'd grow out of it,
but here we are.
I'm still trying to impress you.
Johnny, that's sweet, but.
- I know, I know.
You're still in love with Vicky, but
you know, if you ever drop the habit
of start liking guys, I'd
call dibs on the first date.
I know.
You're the reason.
What am I gonna do with you?
Well, well, well.
Looks like he made himself clear.
And that's a party
I'd like to be invited to.
Do me a favor.
Finish him.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Mira Rosita la cosa aqu.
Ooh, she fierce.
Yeah.
I'm gonna kill you.
That's doubtful.
I have a gun.
I'm gonna take that gun, and
bury it so far up your ass it's gonna
shoot your soul.
I hope that's a promise.
Lady.
I have a gun.
I have God.
No.
No.
You think this is the first time
I've been between a bitch's legs?
Why don't you get a throat full of this.
And that's for my dad, you
backstabbing son of a bitch.
Asshole.
It's alright.
Come on.
Let's find Vicky and get to the hospital.
Vicky.
Johnny's been shot.
We need to get out of here.
What are you doing?
How is this for a deadly twist?
What?
I knew you would come in
here and take this bitch down.
I knew it.
Vicky.
What's going on?
Life is what it is, Mary, and what it
is is me taking over this business.
What?
I know.
So unexpected, right?
Here's the thing.
This shit is making crazy money.
And we can live like queens here.
Who are you?
Do you know what I've been
through to get to this point?
Our friend is bleeding.
I'm okay.
See?
It's good.
And just like getting
married, it was rough.
But I knew you could do it.
That's why you deserve this reward.
Think about it.
We take over this business.
We're set for life.
He was trafficking you and other girls.
Do you know what you're saying?
I absolutely know what I'm saying, Mary.
Gosh.
I have a list of other girls that
would be more than willing to work
with us, okay?
Vicky.
I think it's about time that we have
some badass female pimps burning things
around here, don't you think?
And don't listen to Johnny.
We literally haven't said anything.
Vicky.
Why would you want to put
other women through this?
Oh, Mary, come on.
Don't be ridiculous.
We will give them the choice.
They don't have to be forced like I was.
Why the fuck would they want to work
for you if they can work for themselves.
Well, I guess, yeah.
Maybe I have to force them a little bit.
So what?
Guess I lost you a long time ago.
What?
Oh, Mary, come on.
And Johnny?
You can be head of security.
Mary, are you crying?
What the fuck?
Why are you crying?
This is a win.
No, it's not.
All right.
I guess I have no choice then.
If that's the way you're
gonna go, stick me out.
Leave Johnny alone.
No way.
If you aren't with me, you're against me.
And I cannot have any
witnesses for what I'm about to do.
Mary, stop moving.
I will shoot.
I'm sure you will.
Pull that trigger.
Stop, goddamn it!
I mean it!
Make me.
Well, now wait a minute, Mary.
I was just joking.
I wouldn't even hurt you.
I love you.
Thanks for breaking my heart.
Mary!
Don't leave now!
I'll let you explain
this, mess to the cops.
Just use those feminine wiles of yours.
You'll be fine.
Mary, this isn't fair.
Mary!
Don't leave me!
Thanks for saving my life.
You're welcome.
Why'd I have to fall
in love with a lesbian?
Actually, I'm bi.
I'm Mary Magnum, bitches.
Anybody else have any questions?
Vodka, piss.
marathon of 90s action hero Jake Stryder.
Tune in and see the greatest hits, The
Last Piece, Unfinished Past, Deadly Twists
Jake Stryder, 90s icon, this week on TTTV.
He's not a career politician, he's
not a corporate shill, he's Vlad Russo,
running for city council.
I truly believe our brightest
days as a city are still yet to come.
To no longer be part of
the problem is not enough.
It's now time to be part of the solution.
That's why I'm happy to
announce my run for city council.
Hi Vlad, will you kiss my puppy?
So vote for me, Vlad Russo,
because I kiss puppies.
Lower drama, higher standards,
Vlad Russo for city council.
Brought to you by the strategic
council for urban management.
Hey sister, you uh, lost?
Or are you here to save us?
You know this ain't a
place for a gal like you.
I'd like to see what you
got underneath that robe.
Yeah, me too.
Ma'am, perhaps it's best you move on.
Ain't nobody confessing their sins today.
Now hold on there a minute, Spanky.
Let me get to know her a little bit first.
Is there something we
can do for you, sister?
You know, there's a room in the back.
I certainly have a long
confession I'd like to give you.
If you're open to it, that is.
You want to see what's under this robe?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, what's the meaning of this, sister?
Do any of you punk ass bitches
know where I can find Vlad Russo?
Did I fucking stutter?
I'm gonna take that
gun and fuck you with it.
Is it because you're dick less?
No.
Fuck!
- You three.
Do you know where I can find Vlad Russo?
I'm looking for his wife, Vicky Mendez.
Well, Vicky Russo now, I suppose.
You fat man, speak up.
Fat?
Yeah, I seen her.
I seen the top of her head.
That's good.
Oh, look at that.
Now I see the top of yours.
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You don't need to kill us.
We don't even like that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck Vlad.
What?
I guess I'll let you go then.
Really?
No, I lied.
Last chance.
Where is Russo?
You mean Councilman Russo?
I have no idea.
None.
I swear on the Lord Almighty.
Please, sister, have mercy.
No.
This is mercy.
Yo, what the fuck?
Jesus, please.
You believe in Jesus?
Yes, of course I do.
Say hi to him for me.
God.
Sister, sister, who are you?
I gots to know.
I'm Mary Magnum.
Hi.
Hi.
Mary, no, I can't.
Especially not here.
I know, I just.
What is it?
I think, uh, I think I'm gonna have to go.
Go where?
You know where.
I do?
You do.
Mary, this isn't about
the convent again, is it?
Really?
Is that honestly what you want?
You know what I want.
I know.
I do too.
- But.
Right.
Look, we both know merrying
and Vlad is the best thing.
He's an egotistical dick.
I know, but I just, I gotta
think about my Nana.
I can't afford her healthcare
with the shitty job I have right now.
You know that. And...
And I'm a broke loser.
Got it.
I didn't say that.
No, but I did.
Besides, I know everything's supposed to be
progressive these days, but in this town?
With my family?
I get it.
Shit's still as shit is.
Way.
Way.
Wish me luck.
You really gonna do it?
I think I have to.
Wow.
Mary Filomena going from
super soldier to rope folder.
Nice.
Thanks.
I just came out with that.
Oh, I know.
You're gonna hate it.
So are you.
True.
Well, maybe you can start saving
some lives instead of ending them.
Maybe.
Stop.
Ms. Deeds, 12 o'clock.
Thanks, Johnny.
Yeah, that would have been bad.
Deeds has the fastest mouth in the West.
No problem.
But now I have to get to work, so.
So?
Red Robin can't wait.
No, it can't.
There's short staff tonight.
You hate that job, Val.
I do, but not as much as I
hate not being able to pay rent.
Yeah.
Thanks for being our lookout, Johnny.
I love you.
I love you more.
Sister Mary.
Sister Agatha, you scared me.
I'm sorry, dear.
You've received a message.
Understood.
I'll be there soon to retrieve it.
It seemed urgent.
It was sent certified.
Have a blessed day.
Hi, Mary.
I hope this letter finds you well.
I know it's been a long
time since I've written.
My real life has kept me busy.
Let me start off by saying I'm proud
that you have kept to your commitment
to the convent.
I don't think I could ever do it.
I enjoy singing too much.
I miss all the singing we
could have done together.
Oh, I got Johnny a job here, as security.
Maybe you'll run into
him at The Watering Hole.
That's a local dive all the guards go to.
Anyway, I wanted to reach out just in case.
In case I'm not able to again.
Things here have gotten,
let's say, a bit scary.
It's such a cliche, I know.
The husband that starts off promising
you the world then ends up revealing
himself to be a drunken, violent,
possessive fiend that would sooner kill me
than see me have any
freedom or joy in my life.
The fact that he's in government just
makes the cliche that much more of a joke.
A joke on me, of course.
Maybe you can ask God why
his sense of humor is so twisted.
I stopped talking to him a long time ago.
Anyway, if I don't see you again,
I want you to know that I never
stopped loving you, and I never will.
Take care of yourself, Mary.
Sincerely, Vicky.
Daniel?
Are you okay?
Do you need anything?
Is there anything I can do?
Daniel, did something happen?
You can talk to me.
Yes.
It's Sister Mary.
C'mon in, Sister.
Hello, Sister Mary.
Can I help you with something?
Sorry to interrupt all your work in
Father Miller, but I need to discuss
something urgently with you.
Of course.
I just spoke with Daniel, the altar boy.
Ah, Daniel.
Yes, such a good kid.
Yes.
He said something to me that
well, very much disturbed me, Father.
Oh?
He told me that one of the
priests was inappropriate with him.
What do you mean?
I think it's pretty clear what I mean.
Well, this is terrible news.
I would say so, yes.
Did he say who it was?
He did.
Well, tell me.
Obviously, this can't be tolerated.
Tell me so I can take
it up with whoever it is.
He said it was you.
I beg your pardon?
He said it was you, Father Miller.
Well, that's just preposterous.
I heard the boy misspoke.
He seemed pretty certain to me.
Be careful with your tone, Sister.
You've only been with us for a year,
and in that time, you've proven yourself
to be a very devoted sister.
Do not tarnish that with false accusations.
You're denying it?
Absolutely, I'm denying it.
The boy is clearly confused and may
even be rebelling against the church.
Wasn't he the one whose parents
forced him to become an altar boy?
I believe so.
Well, there you go.
What better way to get sent out
than to make up a story about a
creepy priest?
Please, Mary, I've never even spoken
more than a few words with him during.
Mass.
My name was probably
the easiest to remember.
Now, if you don't mind, I
have some work to finish.
I'll tell you what.
Send Daniel in here and
I'll speak with him myself.
I'll settle this.
How about I bring him over
and sit in on the meeting?
Mary, you and I both know a
young boy knows how to play on the
emotions of any motherly figure.
Let me have a man-to-man
talk with him and I'll get to the
bottom of what's really going on.
I promise I will treat him
with the utmost sensitivity.
Now, be on your way and send him here.
He knows the way.
How?
Excuse me?
How does he know the way?
You mentioned you'd only spoken
a few words with him at Mass.
Mary, the location of my
office is common knowledge.
Actually, it's not.
I remember it took several months for
me to even be allowed to know which
office you're in.
I was told it was to protect
your peace while you worked.
Well, it's different for altar boys.
I bet it is.
For Mass, they need to be able to retreat.
I don't owe you any more explanation.
Now, please leave before I report
you as insubordinate to Sister Agatha.
I'm going to bring Daniel here with
Sister Agatha and we're going to get to
the bottom of this.
Sister Mary, I don't think you know
what you're doing and you're walking on
dangerous ground here.
Is it a threat, Father?
Those are your words.
Now, leave.
No.
Well, well.
Sister Mary.
Or should I say Sergeant Edwina Philomena.
Oh yeah, I did some digging.
You're quite the legend.
Best sharpshooter in your unit.
Father Miller, I'm not sure why
this-The way you took down that insurgent
nest in Kandahar?
Beautiful.
How do you know about that?
The Lord worked some mysterious ways.
Those days are over.
Then there's the hand-to-hand aspect.
Took down five men in a street
brawl without breaking a sweat.
Broken noses, shattered pride,
even made one of them cry.
Oh yeah, I know about that too.
That was self-defense.
Of course it was.
And who are you now?
God's own enforcer, come to
take down the big, bad, evil priest?
Perhaps.
Fiery.
I like it.
But sadly, I must inform
you've heard some nasty rumors.
It's not a rumor.
You molested that boy.
A soldier nun with blood on her hands?
You think you're any different than me?
A sin is a sin, Mary.
Me killing soldiers and men that deserved it
is a far cry from you diddling little boys.
Rumors, I says.
Reality, I says.
I really think it'd be best if
you turn around and left, sister.
Otherwise, I might have to
claim self-defense myself.
It was awful.
She came at me in rage that I
had uncovered her violent past.
I merely wished for her to confess
her sins, but she came at me with
the ferocity of a savage beast
and I had no choice but to side.
That's funny.
That's the same model I used to carry.
You know how to use it?
Oh, I'm pretty sure I do.
So what's it gonna be, sister Mary?
You gonna walk out of here and
keep your mouth shut or be carried out
in a body bag zip shut?
And I wouldn't worry about the boy.
He wasn't the first,
nor will he be the last.
You.
You wouldn't dare.
God forgives.
I don't.
Forgive me, Lord, for what I've done.
And for what I must do.
Oh, dude.
Oh, so silly.
Jay, did I ever tell you that my dad
was Jake Styder?
Wait, what?
Bullshit.
Your dad was Jake Stryder.
You heard of him.
You kidding?
He's my hero.
He's the most badass
action star of the 90s.
That's an understatement.
Why do you think I have these up?
Yeah, that's cool.
Is that the Chinese bootleg version?
The one with the typos?
Yeah, it was actually
really hard to find on eBay.
I spent way too much money on it.
Wow, I just assumed you were a fan.
I had no idea he was your dad.
That's so cool.
Not only was he the best dad, he
was the best sensei a guy could ask for.
You know who was trained by him, too.
Did you know that?
Who?
What, Vlad?
Vlad was a student of my dad.
Why am I only hearing about this now?
Well, I assumed you knew
since you had the posters up.
Cheesy Puff?
Sorry, man.
Didn't mean to blow your mind.
You're fine.
Small world.
Still can't believe nobody's said anything.
Why would they?
Plus, it ain't easy talking
with one of these on.
That's for sure.
Yeah, you're lucky you don't have
to wear one all the time down here.
Personally, I think they're asinine,
but, you know, they pay the bills.
Yes, but you said it, man.
I'm stuck down here.
At least you guys get
to move around freely.
I don't know about freely.
Hey, how's Vicky?
Ever since I started this
job, I never get to see her.
She's okay.
Hey, so really, how was it
having Jake Stryder as your dad?
Honestly, dude, it was amazing.
He was the best man that I ever knew.
So honest, and he was kind,
and, God, he loved helping people.
He had more integrity than
you and I will ever know.
I can imagine.
Damn.
Hey, I'm sorry what
happened to your father.
He was an honorable man.
Thanks, man.
Well, having him as your
teacher must be badass.
I bet you can take any of us out.
You know, I wish that
were true, but it's not.
You know, I never could quite get
to his level, but then again, you could.
True.
True.
Well, I gotta get back to it.
Thank you for the cheesy
puff and the chat, my brother.
Hey, man, anytime.
I'm gonna start calling you Jake
Stryder Jr. from now on, man.
No, don't go do that.
I appreciate you, Johnny.
You're always a good man.
Take it easy, brother.
See you, Jake.
Hi, boys.
I'm now online and I'm ready to
fulfill your every wish for a prize.
All right, who's gonna go first?
Oh, hello.
Who have I got in here?
Hi, I'm Joey.
Oh, hi, Joey, handsome.
What can I do for you today, my love?
Well, I'm a little shy to ask.
You don't have to be.
We're friends and I
can do anything for you.
Well, I was wondering if you'd
be willing to poop in a cup.
What?
And then I'd really like it if
you send it to me in a box
so I can rub it all over myself.
Gross.
Oh, my gosh.
Now what?
Oh, what the fuck are you doing?
Like you told me that you are
going to find some other girls.
Why are you making me do all of this?
The other girls are doing
their jobs elsewhere, darling.
Oh, so you already have them working?
What, you think that I didn't?
Well, I don't know.
I thought maybe...
That's the issue, bitch.
You keep thinking.
Stop.
It's not your strong suit.
Now get going before I have Chester
the molester there handle you in ways you
won't enjoy.
Ew.
All right, all right, all right.
Now who's my number one ho?
Me.
Say it.
I'm your number one ho.
Ah, there you go, yes.
Okay, I love you.
Bye.
Are you serious?
All right, guys, I'm back.
Meditation doesn't fight digestion.
It listens to it.
Calming the mind.
Easing the gut.
Your stomach is upset again.
Before you try to argue
with it, try breathing.
Holy shit.
Mary.
Mary!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, it's me.
Johnny?
Yeah.
Long time.
I think you mentioned you might
be here, but I scanned a room.
I didn't see you.
I was in the crapper.
This job's giving me IBS.
It's a bitch.
Sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we all got our shit.
Indeed.
So I hear you're looking for Vlad.
You know I work security, right?
I think you mentioned that.
That's why I was looking for you.
Would have saved me
from making all that mess.
What a beautiful mess it was.
See, that rage-filled soldier I met
all those years ago can't be buried by
the habit.
We all have our bad habits.
Miss Edwina.
Hey!
Don't ever say that name again
unless you want to stump for a leg.
Alright.
Sorry.
You're telling me that Vicky
doesn't know that's your real name?
No.
Well, we'll keep it that way.
Because you're never
going to repeat it, right?
Right.
Sorry.
Thank you.
So, uh, want to go somewhere and talk?
That all sounds horrible.
Yeah.
I've been trying to find a way to
get her out of the craziness, but...
I just don't see how.
I'd be taken out quicker than
you could say skippity-bounce.
If only my dad was still here.
You know, he'd go in there
and show Vlad what's what.
I wish I was half the man that he was.
Hey.
You are.
Nah, I'm a coward.
You're just being realistic.
You know, I just found out that
Vlad was a student of my dad's.
No way.
Yep.
I couldn't believe it myself.
Such a crazy world.
I guess.
I've missed you.
I've missed you too, Johnny.
Yeah, I've missed you, like, a lot, though.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Have you gotten much time to talk to Vicky?
Zero.
Ever since I started this job,
I'm not allowed to talk to her.
You know what she needs?
A force of nature like you.
You can get me in?
Oh, I can get you in.
It'll be tricky.
Wearing that garb might help.
Let's do it.
Ahem, ahem.
Sir.
The fuck do you want, Melvin?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Sorry.
You know your wife?
Your wife was asking if
she could maybe go out?
And what did I say about my wife going out?
I don't know.
Did you say something about that?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
I said that she goes out never.
Ever.
You said that because I don't
remember you saying that.
Don't question me, Melvin.
Don't you ever question me.
Nobody ever questions what Vlyad says.
Do you understand that?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, but if you told me, I would
have remembered it, because I would
have done it.
I just don't remember you saying it.
Melvin, I said she goes nowhere.
Nowhere.
Yes, sir, I understand.
Now get the fuck out of here before I
use my special twist wrist punch on you.
That one where my knuckles twist in a
peculiar way that's impossible for normal
humans to do, but for some reason I can.
Sir.
For fuck's sake, Melvin.
What?
What?
I meant to ask, but the guys were asking.
Not me.
I have no questions, but the boys
were asking if they always had to wear
the shades and the mask because
they're getting really hot and sweaty and
they're a little claustrophobic.
They're getting really hot and
sweaty and they're having a bad time.
Okay, what you can do is you
can go over there and you can tell
those little fucking whiny faggots that
they will keep their masks and hoods
and jackets on the whole time
and I don't give a fuck if they die
from heat exhaustion because I got
security cameras all over this fucking
place.
It's a security issue.
You got that?
Yes, sir, I got that.
Don't ever, ever
question Vlyad's authority.
Do you understand that?
Yes, sir, of course.
I say jump.
You say through what window, sir?
Self-defenestration, yes, sir.
I say slam your shit
against a fucking wall.
You say how many times, sir?
Do you got that?
I got that, sir.
Fantastic.
Amazing.
Now get the fuck out of here and
bring me back a goddamn coconut milk
latte, you useless fuck stick.
Yes, sir.
Sir?
Hot or iced?
Iced, please.
Yes, sir.
He said iced this time!
And Vicky, you have to stay in your room!
We got a bogey.
Forgive my intrusion,
but I'm lost in this area.
No money, no phone.
Would you be so kind as to help
a needy Nun out?
How do we know that you're really a nun?
If I read some scripture, would that help?
Matthew 25, 35.
For I was hungry, and you gave me food.
For I was thirsty, and you
gave me something to drink.
For I was a stranger, and you welcomed me.
Well, I'm convinced.
What?
Come on in, sister.
Much obliged.
This is a lovely home.
It's more of a compound, really.
It's lovely.
It's not the word I would use.
Do you need to use the phone, sister?
Yes, please.
Hello?
God?
I'd like to make a request.
And I request that you spare these
two lovely gentlemen from too much pain.
Oh.
You are fierce.
Nice sweep, by the way.
Sorry if I went a little too hard on you.
No, it's fine.
But you don't have much time.
All right?
If you go upstairs, you should be
able to get to Vlad's office undetected.
I'm the only one on monitor.
So as long as I keep it
quiet, you should be fine.
Where's Vicky?
She's also upstairs, but she's
on the other end of the building.
There's really no way to get
to her without going past Vlad.
I feel it would be like that.
Thanks, Johnny.
Don't thank me.
Just get out Vicky out of here.
Then end Vlad.
Amen.
Did I tell you you're a badass?
Not today.
You're a badass.
Hold it.
What are you doing in here?
Who are you?
Forgive me.
I'm here to spread the word of God.
Are you ready to receive it?
What?
Get your back against
the wall and turn around.
I can assure you there's
no need for hostility.
I'm here as a humble servant
of the Lord upon Vlad's request.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I haven't received any such updates.
I talked to the front door man.
He's aware.
Okay.
Don't move.
You have nothing to fear from me.
Hey, Johnny.
There's some nun
saying that you let her in?
That's Sister Mary.
Yeah.
She has a message for you.
For me?
From the Lord.
Are you ready to receive it?
What the?
Johnny, what the fuck?
The Lord's word of God is sleep.
Why?
I don't know why, but I wish I knew.
If life were simple.
We could have a house
in the woods together.
Have the garden we always wanted.
Don't forget the pond with the frogs.
And the turtles.
Of course.
And chickens.
And some ducks.
A couple goats.
And a llama.
A llama?
Yes.
Why?
Why not?
Llamas are cool and cute.
You're cool and cute?
I know.
Oh, and cocky.
I just want to be able to say
Rama Lama Ding Dong, you know?
Can't you just say that anytime you want?
I just did.
Right.
Exactly.
What?
No, stop!
Stop!
I'm gonna pee myself!
Stop!
Oh, no.
Not again.
I was only once and I
warned you as well, so.
Oh, fine.
Tell me.
I'm gonna miss this.
Me too.
You know who else says
he has a house in the forest?
Don't bring him up.
I know, it's just...
He keeps coming after me.
I think he really loves me.
I really love you.
I know, it's...
It's just my family.
Right.
They wouldn't understand and...
They need help and I'm just not
doing as well, so I hope I know.
I understand.
I wish I had the money.
No.
Please don't feel guilty.
I...
I just think life maybe took us
both in directions we didn't expect.
So...
What will become of us, Miss...
Vicky Mendez?
I don't know, Miss Edwina Filomena.
Filomena is not to use that name again.
Oh my god, but I love it, it's so cute.
I hate it.
No, I don't hate you.
I don't hate you either.
Freeze!
Identify yourself.
I'm Sister Mary.
I'm here only to help you find God.
Oh yeah?
And how are you gonna do that?
Like that.
What the fuck?
Is that a nun?
Freeze!
Now, who are you and
what are you doing here?
Wait, how'd you even get in here?
That's quite a few questions
at once, young man.
Give a nun a minute to compose her answers.
Mary Magnum, to kill you all.
And your mom let me in.
What kind of nun are you?
Your name's Mary Magnum?
Yeah.
That's kind of cool.
And as for what kind of nun I am...
I'm this kind.
Nice.
May the Lord have mercy on your
souls, as I will have zero mercy on
your lives.
Ah!
All right, let's do this, nun.
Bitch, come here!
You broke my arm!
Forgive them, father.
For they were just too high-strung.
You fucking beast!
Johnny!
What the fuck are you doing?
Back off, whoever you are in there.
What do you mean?
It's Christoph!
Oh, shit, Christoph!
How you been?
I haven't seen you in forever.
Oh, great!
We've been to Orlando, it
was an amazing time, and...
Wait, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
Do you know this chick?
Yeah.
She's my friend.
Friend?
Traitor.
I'm too poor for this shit.
I thought you were Russian.
What?
Rushing into that ass, I think.
You're dumb.
Yeah, I know.
It's part of my charm.
Come on.
Thank you over there.
Relax.
That was nothing.
Your dad will be proud.
Thanks.
I don't know if it's true, but...
Thanks.
I know it is.
No, no, no, no.
You didn't know the
perfectionist that my dad was.
He trained every move so meticulously,
and made them look effortless.
He had this one kick.
This triple kick.
He could take three guys out in one go.
It was awe-inspiring.
No matter how hard I trained,
I just never could get it right.
Even in a practice space
with guys helping me.
But he could do it for real.
That was the rumor, anyway.
That's quite a mythology about him, huh?
But hey.
It's time for you to create your own now.
I know I heard something.
I mean, shut the fuck up.
Damn, Rue.
Nobody here is coming if
you keep fucking yapping.
Still, there's a nicer way
to say things like that.
No need to be a dick.
I always knew you were a queer.
Yeah, so?
I never said I wasn't.
Wait, are you being serious?
I was just talking-Yeah, I'm being serious.
Do we have an issue?
Okay, good.
Oh, shit!
Shit.
Well, there goes trivia night
on Thursdays with Andrew.
So I was thinking,
maybe it's best we split up.
I can distract them for you.
You sure?
Yeah.
Mythology, remember?
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
So, uh, what the fuck is going on?
I'm not doing those videos anymore.
What?
You heard me.
What do you mean?
I feel gross.
Oh.
Gross.
Okay, all right.
Well, would you rather do this,
or I have a bunch of guys come in
here and have their
way with you in the flesh?
Hmm?
I know a bunch of guys in this place
that wouldn't mind running a train
on you, that's for sure.
Darling, sweet, love of my life.
At least this way nobody's gonna touch you.
Goddamn, you bitches are so entitled.
Holy shit.
Do you know how many girls there
are out there that are doing this exact
same thing of their own volition?
Well, that's the point.
They're making their choice.
They're not being forced.
You think I'm forcing you?
Yeah.
Really?
Huh.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Leave.
Are you serious?
Does it look like I'm joking?
So you're just gonna let me leave?
Yep.
Okay, then.
Just know that if you do leave,
that you can't ever come back.
You signed a prenup.
So even if you do leave,
you ain't getting shit.
As a matter of fact, once my lawyers
are done with your bitch ass, you're
gonna owe me a shit ton of Skrilla.
At least let me sleep.
Ah, lady.
Freedom is not free.
You kidding me?
Come on.
Does he always have to watch me, though?
Why can't I just do this alone?
Oh, Chester?
Yes.
Because of the dumb shit you did last time.
I have to have him here to make
sure that you do what the fuck
I tell you to do instead
of some crazy ass shit!
Why do you hate me so much?
Darling, I don't hate you.
No, I don't hate you at all.
I love you with every ounce of my heart.
I'm trying to make us some money.
You like money, don't you?
I mean-Shut the fuck up.
Everybody loves money, okay?
That's why it's called money.
That makes no sense.
Of course it does.
If you just think about it real deep,
dig down deep inside, of course it
does, okay?
So we good?
Yes?
All good?
You gonna do what
the fuck I tell you to do?
Hmm?
Am I gonna have to get serious?
We good.
Sweet.
Awesome.
Fantastic.
I love it.
Now.
Woo!
Let's have some action!
I want some asses wiggling.
I want perfection.
Yes!
Woo!
Let's do it, baby.
Hey!
I fucking love you, okay?
All right, toodles.
You fucking asshole.
Woo.
Seven that time.
Yeah.
Five for me.
Sorry about that.
Five is great.
Yep.
Seven's heaven, though.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Nope.
Thank you.
Nope.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Muchas Gracias, usted.
In Spanish?
Okay.
Domo a rig a to.
Damn. You're such a nerd.
I'm a nerd.
And you're a nun.
Not yet.
Well, clearly.
I'm gonna miss you.
I know.
Aren't you supposed to say
you're gonna miss me, too?
You jerk.
Me?
Miss you?
I'll miss anyone but you.
Oh, of course.
What was I thinking?
Nothing.
You never think.
You're right.
That's how I ended up here with you.
Dumb.
You mean that you're only with me because
you're not the brightest tool in the shed?
I think you mean the
sharpest tool in the shed?
Well, isn't it the brightest?
No.
I could swear.
You might be thinking brightest bulb.
No, I don't.
I don't think that's a saying.
I think they say you're not the
brightest, but there is no bulb after.
I'm a foreigner.
What do I know?
Oh, no wait.
Yes, yes.
It is.
You're not the brightest bulb?
And that's it.
And then for the sharpest tool, it's
only if it's the sharpest tool in the...
Yeah, who cares?
Should I make us some flapjacks?
Flapjacks?
You mean pancakes?
Yeah, it's just my abuelo
used to call them flapjacks.
It was his way of sounding American.
And he also ate them at night,
so that's kind of my thing now.
I don't know.
I'm too Polish for this shit.
What do you think?
Some flapjacks, some bacon,
some butter, and some eggs.
Yum.
You're not too Polish for that shit?
Never.
Have you had Polish pancakes?
Is that a thing?
Kind of.
We called them racuchy.
Ratzuchy?
Not even close.
Oh, yes.
If your Spanish was so good.
Como esta usted?
It was better than whatever
that broken attempt at Polish was.
That's mean.
And then how come you've never
made me some of those ratzuchy?
Whatever.
Well, first of all, you never asked.
And second, I don't cook.
You don't?
No.
Not one of my talents.
Huh.
I'm good at other things.
Yes, you are.
Still not fair though.
That means I'm the one
who always has to cook.
If only there can be an always.
And remember, wrist
twist, knuckles down, go.
Again.
Again.
Again.
With fierceness, boy.
You're aiming for your own nutsack.
Go.
A-hem, hem.
Yes?
Melvin?
So some of us guys were
talking and we're just curious of...
What you boys like doing, huh?
Like to talk?
It's a very normal human
form of communication.
It's what separates us
from the animals, sir.
And so we were talking and we're just
curious, why is this punch more effective
than every other punch that's
ever existed in the history of time?
Oh.
Anybody else have any questions?
No, sir.
No, sir.
All right.
All right.
You want to know why I
find this punch to be so vital?
Melvin?
Huh?
Melvin?
Okay.
Let me tell you a bedtime story, boys.
Picture this.
Smolensk, 1998.
I'm 15, skinny, ugly, nose like a question
mark, and acne that you could read
like braille.
But I had ambition and a problem.
It was this guy, Yakov the Bear.
We call him the Bear because he
smelled like wet fur and vodka piss.
He ran the local arcade slash bordello
slash pierogi stand, and he hated kids
with dreams.
So I stole from him.
Don't judge me.
I was hungry and curious
and also rather stupid.
So he caught me, drug
me into the back room.
The smell alone nearly killed me.
Hanging from the ceiling was a meat
hook like a party favor from Satan's
quinceaera, and he says to me, little
Vlad, I'm gonna hang you from that hook
like a Christmas ham.
I could have begged.
I could have cried.
I could have wet myself.
And I did, all three.
But now I remember something
my grandma told me once.
God, she was a lunatic.
But occasionally she would drop little
hints of wisdom like a bad rapper drops
a shitty track.
She said to me, Vlad, if you ever
need to kill somebody quickly, make your
punch look like a mistake.
So through my punch, not straight,
not clean, I put this little idiot twist in
there like I was trying to scratch
my balls while reaching for the sky.
I smashed that fucker right in throat.
He fell down to the ground,
gurgling in his own blood.
Sounded like a Soviet dishwasher
trying to confess its own sins.
So I walked home
covered in piss and triumph.
And it was this punch, this
punch, it's what bought me my
first gun, my first bribe, and
my first Tesla full of cocaine.
Bad decision.
I'm still taking this.
So you will learn this punch.
You will love this punch.
You will tattoo this punch upon your
soul because one day when your back is
against the meat hook and you got a
bear breathing down your neck, this punch
is gonna make you king.
All right, now line up your bastards.
And remember, fist down, twist the
wrist, Turn like you hate your own fucking
reflection.
Go!
What?
Gay?
Oh, it's Jay, sir.
Uh, does that mean that you got a nose job?
What?
Sir, I'm just saying, because you
mentioned that your nose looked like a
question mark.
But it looks amazing.
It looks great.
And whoever did that nose
job was-Alright, that's it.
Training's over.
I'm beat.
Everybody go away.
Whichever one of you fuck sticks is
still alive, please clean up this mess.
And will somebody, for Christ's
sake, get me a chocolate martini!
Gotcha, sir.
On a side of hash
browns would be nice, too.
Thank you.
Sir!
Johnny, the fuck are
you doing up here, man?
I had to take a piss.
Up here?
Yeah, the toilet down there sucks.
It doesn't even flush half the time.
That's true.
Well, there's been some reports of some
commotion going on in the upper levels.
You see anything?
No, no.
But then again, I was up here
taking a shit, so maybe I could
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You just said you were taking a piss.
Now you're taking a shit?
I can't do both?
Just command one.
I've got an intruder.
What are you doing?
I'm calling for backup.
There's some weird shit
going on in the building.
I think you're overreacting.
Come on, call it off.
Anyone copy?
Copy.
We'll scan the upper floors.
We just got out of training.
Fuck.
I hate that I just missed that.
Yeah, he taught us the punch.
Oh.
Yep, you missed out.
Fuck.
Great back story, too.
Oh, there's a back story?
There is.
It's epic.
Vodka piss.
Vodka piss.
Oh, it's vodka piss.
Okay, we're hitting the search now.
Okay, I'll come join you.
What are you tripping, man?
Come on, I wasn't even gone that long.
Look, Johnny, I've never trusted you, man.
There's always been
something squirrely about you.
Come on, man.
I'm a swell guy.
That, that, that.
See?
That?
No one says swell.
Clark Kent says swell.
Who the fuck is that?
Really?
You know, they say you've got balls
big enough to come in a dump truck.
But I've never really seen that about you.
Especially the Jake Stryder's kid.
That's valid.
You don't really defend yourself, huh?
So what if I said your dad is overrated?
I would say opinions vary.
So what if I said your dad's a cocksucker?
Then what?
I would tell you to tread lightly.
Oh, you gonna get all hard on me now?
It's funny.
I heard that last night from your wife.
Fuck!
Come in, Channel One.
Cancel that search.
There's no signs of bogeys here at Control.
We're good.
We're chillin'.
We're so good.
How are you?
Negative.
I've already got guys combing the area.
Yeah, just spoke to Vlad
and he wants it called off.
I highly doubt that.
Let me confirm.
How about I get him to radio you?
Copy.
We'll continue our search until
we hear directly from Mr. Russo.
Okay.
Copy.
Over and out.
Channel Nine.
Emergency call.
This better be fuckin' life-altering.
Yes, sir.
I think we have an intruder.
Permission to come up
and show you some footage?
Can't you just send me the damn feed?
Negative, sir.
The connection's pretty shoddy.
The IT guys keep changing the times.
I would ask you to
come down yourself, but...
Fine.
Permission to use the elevator.
Make it quick.
I got a therapy session in 20.
Okay.
Copy.
Out.
Freeze!
Drop that gun!
I have a prayer for you.
Fuck your prayer!
How ungodly of you.
Drop that gun now, or
we're all gonna light you up!
The only light I receive is God's light.
And that light will shine on all of you.
Well, well, well.
You're a damn good shot for a nun.
Prayer helps.
Yeah, I bet it does.
So now what?
How about I keep my gun and you drop yours?
Okay.
Hey, fuck you!
So here's what we're gonna do.
On the count of three, we're
both gonna put our guns down.
All right?
And then we fight fair?
Yeah, sure.
Fair.
I trust you as one of God's children.
I'm honored to be trusted by a nun.
You gonna do this or what?
Here goes.
One.
Two.
Three.
What?
Is that a cow?
Huh?
Oh!
Whoa!
Nice!
You almost got me with that cow line!
I did.
Can you imagine?
Man, that would have been hilarious.
It would have.
Alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Yeah.
So it goes.
All right, for real, though.
We gonna do this?
Sure, why not?
All right.
One.
Two.
Three.
Got a surprise for you.
Hey, you said fair.
I lied.
How's that for a surprise?
Mine's better.
Well, well, well.
It's been a while since you've
been up this way, Johnny boy.
This better be important.
It is, sir.
I've been hearing a lot of gunfire downstairs,
but the monitor feed seems to be out.
You wouldn't have something
to show me, would you?
Yes, sir, I do.
It's right here.
What exactly are you planning
on doing with that, Johnny?
It all depends on how
reasonable you're willing to be.
All I want is to take Vicki out of here.
Oh.
Is that all you want?
That's all.
Oh, Johnny, why didn't you say so, man?
Go ahead, take her, go.
Wait, really?
No, you stupid fucking dick lick.
Neither of you are going anywhere.
Don't know how you can say
that with a gun pointed in your face.
Think this is the first time some
penis has pointed a gun at me?
I really don't know how to answer that.
The answer is many times, Johnny.
And it always ended badly
for them, as it will for you also.
I can't wait to see how you pull that off.
You know I knew your dad, right?
Yeah, just heard that.
Do you know how close we were?
Yeah, right.
No, no, it's true.
We were, um, very close.
No way.
He'd never be friends
with someone like you.
He may have taught you, but that's just
because he was generous with his time
and his teachings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jake Stryder.
Blah, blah, blah.
He's the greatest human that's ever lived.
You ever hear of a student of
his by the name of Eric Leiva?
Yeah.
Well, that was the name that I
had when I trained under him.
What?
Why?
Well, long story short, my dad was
a criminal piece of shit, and we were
in hiding.
So when I was ten, I had to change it.
He always said that Eric
was one of his best students.
That he wanted me to meet you.
But I never could, because...
He died.
Because he betrayed him.
Eric, you betrayed his trust.
You stole from the school, right?
He entrusted me to train some of his
younger students, and I robbed him blind.
Why?
Why would you do that?
You were his best student.
I was so much more than that, Johnny boy.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Remember how he died, yeah?
I'll never forget.
He was killed by a mugger.
They never found the guy,
so we never knew who he was.
Now you do.
No.
You lying sack of shit.
No.
There's no way.
What good is wisdom, Johnny,
when it doesn't profit the wise?
You've been working for the guy that ended
your father's life and didn't even know it.
Johnny.
Now, I'm gonna end that legacy for good.
Come on, Johnny.
Really?
You couldn't face me
yourself, you fucking coward.
Come on, Johnny boy.
You just gotta pass this one last test,
and you can face your unfinished past.
Johnny.
Johnny.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I think.
Like I always said, bullets
don't care about choreography.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Wait.
I have to tell you something.
I've always had a crush on you.
All those years training together, you
were kind of the reason I kept showing up.
I was always trying to impress
you, and I thought I'd grow out of it,
but here we are.
I'm still trying to impress you.
Johnny, that's sweet, but.
- I know, I know.
You're still in love with Vicky, but
you know, if you ever drop the habit
of start liking guys, I'd
call dibs on the first date.
I know.
You're the reason.
What am I gonna do with you?
Well, well, well.
Looks like he made himself clear.
And that's a party
I'd like to be invited to.
Do me a favor.
Finish him.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Mira Rosita la cosa aqu.
Ooh, she fierce.
Yeah.
I'm gonna kill you.
That's doubtful.
I have a gun.
I'm gonna take that gun, and
bury it so far up your ass it's gonna
shoot your soul.
I hope that's a promise.
Lady.
I have a gun.
I have God.
No.
No.
You think this is the first time
I've been between a bitch's legs?
Why don't you get a throat full of this.
And that's for my dad, you
backstabbing son of a bitch.
Asshole.
It's alright.
Come on.
Let's find Vicky and get to the hospital.
Vicky.
Johnny's been shot.
We need to get out of here.
What are you doing?
How is this for a deadly twist?
What?
I knew you would come in
here and take this bitch down.
I knew it.
Vicky.
What's going on?
Life is what it is, Mary, and what it
is is me taking over this business.
What?
I know.
So unexpected, right?
Here's the thing.
This shit is making crazy money.
And we can live like queens here.
Who are you?
Do you know what I've been
through to get to this point?
Our friend is bleeding.
I'm okay.
See?
It's good.
And just like getting
married, it was rough.
But I knew you could do it.
That's why you deserve this reward.
Think about it.
We take over this business.
We're set for life.
He was trafficking you and other girls.
Do you know what you're saying?
I absolutely know what I'm saying, Mary.
Gosh.
I have a list of other girls that
would be more than willing to work
with us, okay?
Vicky.
I think it's about time that we have
some badass female pimps burning things
around here, don't you think?
And don't listen to Johnny.
We literally haven't said anything.
Vicky.
Why would you want to put
other women through this?
Oh, Mary, come on.
Don't be ridiculous.
We will give them the choice.
They don't have to be forced like I was.
Why the fuck would they want to work
for you if they can work for themselves.
Well, I guess, yeah.
Maybe I have to force them a little bit.
So what?
Guess I lost you a long time ago.
What?
Oh, Mary, come on.
And Johnny?
You can be head of security.
Mary, are you crying?
What the fuck?
Why are you crying?
This is a win.
No, it's not.
All right.
I guess I have no choice then.
If that's the way you're
gonna go, stick me out.
Leave Johnny alone.
No way.
If you aren't with me, you're against me.
And I cannot have any
witnesses for what I'm about to do.
Mary, stop moving.
I will shoot.
I'm sure you will.
Pull that trigger.
Stop, goddamn it!
I mean it!
Make me.
Well, now wait a minute, Mary.
I was just joking.
I wouldn't even hurt you.
I love you.
Thanks for breaking my heart.
Mary!
Don't leave now!
I'll let you explain
this, mess to the cops.
Just use those feminine wiles of yours.
You'll be fine.
Mary, this isn't fair.
Mary!
Don't leave me!
Thanks for saving my life.
You're welcome.
Why'd I have to fall
in love with a lesbian?
Actually, I'm bi.
I'm Mary Magnum, bitches.
Anybody else have any questions?
Vodka, piss.