Materialists (2025) Movie Script
Hey!
Are you single?
Hello?
I'm a matchmaker, and a dwarf.
Please give me a call if you want to meet somebody.
We have a lot of great matches for you.
Talk soon.
James, hi!
Thanks for calling me back.
I just wanted to get some feedback on your first date with my client Sophie.
I'm actually on my way to meet her right now, but I had a quick chat with her this morning,
and the headline is, she had a great time and would love to see you again.
Hello?
James?
Yeah, I'd like to be taken off the surface.
May I ask why?
I thought you were going to set me up with high quality women.
I said a fit woman in her 30s, with a nice smile.
She's 40.
In fact, 39 is not 30s, that's 40.
I would never swipe right on a woman like that.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm so happy.
You did it, Lucy.
When you said that he's 47 and only makes $150.000 a year, I almost said no, but I'm really happy I trusted you.
I know it's only been one date, and I need to manage my expectations, but it was probably the best first date I've ever had.
Sophie, so I just got off the phone with him, and he loved meeting you.
He had a great time, but he doesn't feel like the chemistry is there for him at this time.
So, onward and upward.
He doesn't want a second date?
No.
He's balding.
How fucking dare he?
Dating is a risk.
You took a risk.
It's grave.
Why did you set me up with someone like that?
He checked a lot of our boxes, and you checked a lot of his.
So, onwards and upwards.
Let's talk about your next match.
I have an amazing guy for you.
His name is Mark.
He's a doctor.
He's very handsome.
He has a full head of hair.
He's 48.
That's almost 50.
He looks great for 48.
He's very fit.
He looks like he's 40.
How tall?
5'11".
Is he actually 5'11", or is he actually 5'9"?
What's a couple inches?
I don't want to waste my time.
I'm not asking for a miracle.
I'm just asking for the bare minimum.
I'm trying to settle.
Sophie, I know how it feels right now, but I promise you, you're going to marry the love of your life.
I don't believe you.
That's okay.
I believe in you.
Girl of the hour.
Tonight!
We are going to celebrate;
The most talented Lucy.
One hell of a matchmaker.
With razor sharp instincts, and an eagle eye for chemistry.
Because this weekend, her client Charlotte Phoebe Is getting married!
Charlotte is being married because of Lucy.
Because Charlotte, Lucy matched her with one of our singles.
How many marriages are you responsible for now Lucy?
Nine.
Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!
HAPPY 9TH WEDDING LUCY
Speech! Speech! Speech!
My speech is :
That if the girl asks for a six foot tall, drinker of water, in his 40s with a salary of over 500 grand and a good airline,
You deliver.
I'm afraid there's not a single man in New York City that will date this girl.
That seems to be the issue.
That's the thing, there's nothing wrong with her.
She's okay attractive, okay money, okay educated, okay personality.
There's just not a standout quality.
She's not competitive in the mainstream market and there is no niche market for her.
Exactly, and if there's no specialty appeal then there's no place for her in any market.
That is tough.
And she's my favorite client right now.
I think she's entitled like everyone but she's sweet and she's realistic, she's not crazy.
She's a nice girl.
There's got to be a guy out there who just wants a nice girl.
What about Mark P?
He's okay.
I've pitched him to her already.
She's afraid he's not actually the type of man.
And I'm like, can we please not worry about a couple inches right now because you're about to die alone.
My mother's a surgeon for that.
For dying alone?
You're getting taller, up to six inches.
If you break your legs and extend it with a bone, you would solve.
That's a game changer.
Costs like 200k.
Six inches can double a man's value in the market.
If you can afford it, it's definitely worth the investment.
What's it say?
You're not ugly, you just don't have money.
Right.
Do you have a dress picked out for the wedding?
Yes.
Are you going alone?
Mm-hmm.
Who's the ambulatorial bachelorette?
Voluntaries.
I love it.
You want me to set you up with someone?
No.
I'm going to die alone.
Or get a rich husband.
Same thing.
Congratulations.
No, I'm how Charlotte and Peter met, okay?
But it's up to the client to build a strong enough relationship that leads to marriage.
But how did you know that Peter would be the perfect guy for Charlotte?
Well, she can't tell her.
It's her industry secret.
There are no industry secrets.
We can always meet our life partner out in the wild or swiping on apps.
But the happy ending to the first date is not the second date.
It's changing each other's diapers.
And burying each other.
You're looking for a nursing home partner and a grave buddy.
Who our partner is, it determines our whole life.
And how we live.
Not for one, two, ten years, but forever.
Oh my gosh.
I need you so badly.
Yeah, I'm desperate.
Can I give you my card?
Of course.
I'm going through a divorce right now.
Once it's over, I'm really, really going to give you my card.
I'm so sorry.
Even that receipt shades you.
I just need five minutes alone with her.
Hi, Charlotte.
Hey, Lucy.
How are you holding up?
Not good.
What's going on?
What's going on is that I am a modern woman.
I could have been anything.
Anything.
But I chose to become a bride.
I chose this.
It's not like I'm getting married because I need to forge a relationship between two kingdoms.
It's not like my family needs a cow.
I chose this.
I chose to marry a man.
Charlotte, marriage is a business deal.
And it always has been since the very first time two people did it.
You can always walk away if the deal isn't good.
And as the person who introduced you to Peter, I will walk right out of here with you.
So tell me, do you not want to get married today?
I have to.
Why?
Because my parents spent so much money on this wedding.
We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this wedding just so that I could feel like a fucking woman.
Why are you really in the darkest, ugliest part of yourself?
I want to marry Peter.
And I promise you, I have heard every reason why a person wants to get married to someone.
And none of them are shocking or wrong or crazy to me.
It will be a secret between you and me.
You promise it will be a secret?
I promise.
You cannot tell anyone.
Love is so, it is so.
I will take it to my grave.
He thinks my sister promised.
She's never said that, but I know it's true.
She thinks he's better than her husband.
She thinks he's got a better job, that he's better looking.
I told her.
And, um, that makes me feel like I won.
This is about value.
Peter makes me feel valuable.
Yeah, he does.
He really does.
Does that make you want to marry him?
No.
Hey.
I'm Harry.
Lucy.
You're the matchmaker.
You're the brother.
What are you doing at the singles table?
My mother wants me to marry.
I can help you with that.
I saw you recruiting earlier.
A wedding like this must be a goldmine.
There's a lot of opportunity here for our company.
Your sales pitch is perfect, because you make it feel like it's their idea.
It's not like you're telling people they need you.
Nobody wants to hear that.
If they need you, well, something is wrong with that.
Instead, you're saying you could do this on your own, but if you're lucky enough to be able to afford me, why not?
You're a luxury good, and they really do feel like they need you, just like they need every other luxury in their lives.
Once you get your first $400 haircut, you can't go back to Supercuts Canyon.
It's easy.
Well, you're just really good.
It's a mind game.
What's what like?
Being a matchmaker.
It's like working at the morgue, or an insurance company.
No way.
6'2", 5'6", skinny, fit, fat, white, black, Asian, doctor, lawyer, banker,
100 grand, 200 grand, 300 grand, smoker, non-smoker.
But you must know a lot about love.
I know about dating.
What's the difference?
Dating takes a lot of effort, a lot of trial and error, a ton of risk, and pain.
Love is easy.
Is it?
I find it to be the most difficult thing in the world.
That's because we can't help it.
It just walks into our lives sometimes.
Are you kidding on me?
Definitely not.
But I do think that you would be a great match for a lot of our clients.
We need more straight men in New York City.
You're about six feet tall.
How much money do you make?
Just straight up like that.
I make 80 grand a year before taxes.
Do you make more or less than that?
More.
I know.
Finance, right?
I think.
Do you want a drink?
Sure.
What do you want?
Coke and beer.
Okay.
Hello.
Hi, Joe.
Working now, obviously, but tell me, have you ever seen this?
Yeah.
Love is the last religion, the last country, the last surviving ideology.
So what else really is there to believe in?
You get lost.
And I know you get lost at times.
It's life.
When you're lost, the answer is simple.
Just go where love is.
Just go where love is.
Hi.
Hey.
So what made them perfect for each other?
Similar economic background, politically aligned, well-matched in their attractiveness.
Similar upbringing.
Similar.
They both come from big, happy families.
Yes.
The perception of a big, happy family is all you need to have a big, happy family.
Basically.
Are we soulmates?
Probably.
How's acting going?
How does it look like it's going?
Sorry?
No, don't be.
I'm just being a dick.
Giving you a hard time because I'm embarrassed.
What are you embarrassed about?
Having a job?
I'm at a play.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's not for a while.
I'm just doing jobs like this, trying to save some cash before rehearsal starts.
Definitely didn't expect to run into you tonight.
I missed you.
Yeah.
You don't even remember my face.
Got it.
Your turn.
Seen anyone?
You saw me at the singles table.
Can I give you a ride home after I'm done finishing up?
I have my car.
Yeah.
We should catch up.
You gave me your number?
Recruitment.
It worked for your brother, so I think it will work for you.
I'll call you if you dance with me.
Who can I call you?
I'm probably not someone you want to date.
Why not?
Because the next person I date, I'm going to marry.
So what kind of a person is the matchmaker going to marry?
Well, my non-negotiables are not very rich.
Am I nice to have?
Is that the mind-numbingly, absurdly...
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?
Can you announce the direction of the after-party?
You're not funny.
Do you want to try a rare shot of soda?
Never mind.
Remember this one?
No.
You still live in the same place?
Yep.
And it's still 8.50. No fucking way.
It's falling apart.
Never get enough water.
How are your roommates?
David moved in with his fiance.
And I think Logan is developing a drinking problem.
David is engaged?
Yeah.
To the TikTok girl?
Yep.
She has Omni fans now too.
Good for him.
Is it?
He's a 5'7 depressed novelist who's never been published.
He couldn't do better.
That's simple, huh?
Just math.
What are you thinking about?
It smells insane.
What, my car?
Mm-hmm.
Look, there.
I'm not going to pay $25 to park this piece of shit for an hour.
That's the cheapest we'll ever get.
We'll find street parking on the next block.
John, it's been 20 minutes.
I'll just pay for it.
You're not paying.
Like I said earlier, we're going to have to quarantine the reservation if we're more than 15 minutes late.
And then they charge us a cancellation fee of $25 per person.
Wait, are you fucking serious?
I told you this like 10 times.
That's extortion.
We agreed that we would go to nice restaurants on our anniversary.
There's no nice places in New York City that won't charge you $50 if you're a couple minutes late.
Why did we even bring the car?
Yes, my fault.
My rehearsal ran long.
Maybe it's because of the car.
So we can spend $50 to get into the city and then another $200 at the restaurant.
Why do you have a car if you can't pay for it, John?
Look, right there.
$20 for 40 minutes?
What the fuck is this math?
I don't want to fight about money with my boyfriend on our anniversary.
It makes me feel like my parents.
I'm sorry, okay?
Park in the next garage, please.
Lucy, where the fuck are you going?
Hey, I'm sorry, alright?
I'm sorry.
I just, I don't have any money.
And I, I forgot.
What?
What did you forget?
That you love me?
Will you please get back in the car?
Please?
I don't want to hate you because you're poor.
But right now, I do and it makes me hate myself.
You know how hard it is to make you happy.
And I want you to be happy.
I'm trying.
I really am.
I know.
That's almost enough to make me happy.
I wish that I didn't care if we ate from a halal cart on our five-year anniversary.
But I do.
And however much you hate me, I promise I hate myself more.
I don't hate you.
You do.
And it's not because we're not in love.
It's because we're broke.
You want to come up?
Yes.
But I shouldn't.
Thanks for the ride.
Invite me to your flight.
I will.
I'm just giving you feedback so you can improve your performance and I can start giving better matches.
I want to meet someone who's a combination of all the different awesome parts of the last four matches.
Sophie's job and education level.
Emily's body and lifestyle.
Climber's face and sense of style.
And Jane's hobbies and tastes in TV shows.
It'd be easy, since I'm Dr. Frankenstein.
I'm turning 48 in a few months, and I think I need to meet someone more grown.
Someone I can talk to.
Just a proper woman who knows good music, has seen old movies, things like that.
My last couple of girlfriends were 21 and 24, and they were honestly kind of immature.
I can imagine it might be a little hard to relate to a girl born in the 2000s.
I have a really special client, her name is Sophie.
She's a highly accomplished lawyer.
She's 39.
I wasn't really thinking 30s.
So when you said older...
I meant more like 27, 28.
Because it's really intense and complicated with women in their 30s.
They have really high expectations, and they tend to rush things, because I guess their biological clock's ticking.
I have another really beautiful client, she's 31.
No.
Someone 27.
Even 29 is pushing.
Trust me, it's the best thing for everyone.
I genuinely get along much better with girls in their 20s.
I don't care what she's like, or how she lives.
I just care that she's my type physically.
What's your type physically?
Fit.
Just fit?
Fit.
Nothing over 20 BMI.
Okay.
Thank you for agreeing to come on a date with me.
I only said yes to this so you'd realize you're wrong and you're not actually interested in me.
My instincts are usually right.
You think that you're more right about this than a professional?
No, sure you're the expert, but I trust my gut.
Okay.
We'll see.
You look really good today.
Thanks.
How many drinks per week?
Depends, but like 8, 10 for work makes it hard not to.
Do you do drugs?
Never.
I do pot at parties.
Me too.
So not never.
What do you think is your best physical feature?
My eyes aren't bad.
How'd you end up doing what you do?
Well, my parents worked for finance, and so does my brother, so I just kind of ended up doing it.
We all work for the firm I know this for.
It's a family business.
Yeah, it's boring.
How did you end up doing what you do?
It was the first and only thing I was really good at.
What else do you want to know about me?
I bet your parents never raised their voices at each other.
I think almost never.
Maybe they were secretive about you.
Did they ever fight about money?
No.
Makes sense.
I didn't really like the way our parents fight.
Who?
I see couples fighting in the middle of the street in New York, and I don't get it.
Aren't they embarrassed to do that in front of people?
I'm the type to fight in the middle of the street.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Have you ever done that?
Never.
Do you think he will like me?
I think you'll really like him.
Are you sure?
Stay open-minded.
I'm so nervous.
All right.
Okay, text me after.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Talk soon.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you okay?
Yes.
My client is going on a date right now, too.
You seem nervous.
I really want her to like this guy.
She's had like ten bad dates in a row, and I just waited to deliver.
Are you feeling guilty because you're about to go on a good date?
No.
I don't know if I like you or if I just like the places you take me to.
You like me?
When did that happen?
I think when I saw the way you pick up the bill.
I do it really well, don't I?
You do.
Just one swift motion.
No hesitation.
No fear.
I'm not going to afford it, so why would I be scared?
You're investing a lot in me, huh?
I just want our dates to be romantic.
How expensive a meal is makes the date romantic.
Doesn't it?
When we first met, you said your job makes you think like a mortician going to insurance claims adjuster.
How am I as a corpse?
A good corpse.
How am I as a payout?
Couldn't ask for better.
A nursing home partner?
A grave buddy?
You can do better than me.
Can I?
You know how to do the math, don't you?
In my line of work, I meet hundreds of highly desirable, high-quality men.
But you are what we call in my industry a unicorn.
An impossible fantasy.
Your brother was a unicorn, too.
The reason my clients cannot lower their expectations is because against all odds, men like you do actually exist.
I'm sure something's wrong with you.
You're perfect.
You're smart.
You have ideal income, ideal education, ideal lifestyle, ideal height.
You're good-looking, you have a great body, you're charming.
You were born rich, raised rich, you're still rich.
You own a penthouse in Tribeca.
You can take a girl to a restaurant like this, and it's not even like a special occasion.
You don't have a drug habit or a call girls habit.
You even know how to cut your hair and how to dress.
You have taste.
You are a 10 out of 10 in every category.
A complete package.
So, I don't know why you're trying to throw it all away on someone like me.
What's someone like you?
Just a girl who works.
I'm older than the women you could be dating, which means my looks won't last as long, and I have fewer years left to get pregnant.
If you marry a 25-year-old, then in 10 years, she'll look like me.
If you marry me, in 10 years, I'll look like my mother.
What does your daughter look like?
I was born poor, raised poor, and even though I work, I have debt.
I'm a college dropout and a failed actress.
I have no dowry.
If anything, I have a negative dowry.
Do I look like I need a dowry?
At the end of the day, the math doesn't add up.
Given your position in the marketplace, and even mine, I'm not a girl you marry.
I'm a girl that you go home with once, and then never call again.
So, what are you doing with me?
You say you think I'm sweat, but you're talking to me like I'm a caveman.
I wouldn't date you if I didn't see value.
I'm not like my brother.
I'm not looking for the nicest, prettiest, rich girl who likes me back.
I'm looking for someone who understands the game, how the world works.
I'm looking for someone I respect, trust, someone who knows more than me.
I don't want to date you for your material assets, and I think you're underselling them by a significant margin.
Material assets are cheap.
They don't last.
I want to be with you for your intangible assets.
Those are good investments.
They don't degrade, they only get sharper.
And besides, I have enough material assets for the both of us.
I see a lot of potential here.
I think you and I can make great partners.
I hope you agree.
As for what I can do for you, I think I'm the only guy this rich who can actually stand.
I don't like you because you're rich.
Then why do you like me?
Because you make me feel valuable.
You are valuable.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Do you want to see each other more seriously?
Hey, it's John.
Okay, just give me a call when you get this.
I just wanted to invite you to the play.
We start previews next week, so...
Okay, bye.
Iceland?
Would you like me to take you to Iceland?
I don't know.
I don't even have a passport.
That's good, you won't.
Totally.
What the fuck?
I say goodbye to Arkansas And I
don't know I've been thrown away Hey, motherfucker.
You can't leave your dirty laundry on the kitchen floor.
It's unacceptable.
I got kind of drunk last night.
I must have missed the trash can.
Why don't you throw it in your own fucking trash can?
I don't want it just sitting there in the room.
Why don't you want your own car in the room?
It's fucking gross.
So we have to deal with it in the fucking kitchen?
I know it doesn't make sense, man.
I was drunk.
Hey, can you two stop yelling?
I'm teaching you making plans on Zoom and you're making me look really unprofessional.
Hi, you reached Sophie.
Hello?
Hi Mark, it's Lucy from the door.
Uh, hi.
Hi, so I just wanted to get some feedback on your first date with my client Sophie.
Actually, I haven't gotten a hold of her yet so I don't know how it went on her end but I'm excited to hear how it went for you.
It went so well.
She's wonderful.
Like, really nice face, good body, good job, great energy, just all the things I said I wanted from a match.
Okay, I love hearing this.
Um, I'm so glad you had a good time.
Sophie is really wonderful.
Yeah, no, like the conversation as well.
Um, we ended up staying up pretty late.
Cool, so do you want to see her again?
Sure.
Great, yeah, of course.
One step at a time.
Alright.
Thanks Lucy.
I'm going to go get a shot this afternoon after I speak with her.
Thanks Mark.
Thanks Mark.
Hey, it's John.
Okay, just give me a call when you get this.
Just wanted to invite you to the play.
Hi, I'm Sophie.
Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, Rose was asking her client Mia W how it's going with Peter C's brother Harry.
Were you able to recruit him?
Yeah, actually, um, I'm dating him.
You're dating him?
Yep.
You know he's a unicorn.
Mm-hmm.
You going to let him go on a couple dates with some of our clients first?
He insisted.
I'm sure he did.
Hey Lucy, I need to speak to you in my office.
Have you spoken with Sophie yet?
Uh, not yet.
Just Mark P.
I just hung up with Sophie's lawyer.
Her lawyer?
Apparently, she was assaulted on the date.
What?
Uh, Mark P?
Yes.
Last night?
Are you serious?
She's bringing charges to the company, not you.
I have a call with the legal team in two minutes and we're going to figure it out.
I need to speak with her.
Lucy, no.
Violet, she's my client.
She's not anymore.
So if Sophie calls, you must not pick up.
I can't do nothing.
Do nothing.
You made the best match you could, given the information you have.
This particular match did not work out, but you've been doing amazing work for Sophie for months.
The match did not work out, Vi.
She was assaulted.
A matchmaker can't vouch for how a person is in an intimate setting since she's never been in one with them.
Has something like this happened before?
Of course.
This is dating.
This happened to one of my clients the third year I worked here.
If you do this long enough, it happens to all of us.
Let's send no one to risk.
Hi, you.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
No worries.
Am I dressed nice enough?
You might be dressed too nice.
My mother and father made love.
I was born.
I grew up.
I entered this restaurant.
I'm on a date.
A waiter walks up to me and asks, what can I do for you?
I don't know.
Continue.
I order a glass of water.
My mother and father made love.
I was born.
I grew up.
I read books.
I wrote book reports.
I went to more schools.
I wrote essays.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, that was great.
Was it?
Yes, I loved it.
This is my boyfriend, Harry.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming.
I remembered all those lines.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Well, listen, we're going around the corner to get a drink.
You guys want to come?
Yeah.
Great.
So what did you really like?
I liked it.
Some of it didn't make sense, but I love watching you act.
You know that?
Did you ever miss it?
Acting?
No.
Not even a little bit?
I'm not like you.
I was never going to be an actor.
I don't know how to stand or speak.
You were always good, though.
You're even better now.
I'm really proud of you, John.
The man at the wedding?
Yes.
He's the groom's brother.
Why?
I'm not going to mail him money.
Why not?
Because he's good looking.
Rich.
Has a real job.
Probably doesn't have a romance.
Probably doesn't get angry at stupid shit all the time.
It doesn't matter.
Can we talk about something else?
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
I don't seem like you're okay.
Is it him?
Is it work?
I just don't think I'm very good at my job anymore.
I'm sure it's going to be fine.
You're so hard on yourself.
You're not a drone pilot or gun lobbyist.
You don't work at Shell or McKinsey.
It's just dating.
It's not that serious.
Right.
Dating's not serious.
It's just girl shit, right?
That's not what I meant.
You always know exactly what to say to me.
Ready to go?
Yeah.
I'm going to wait for you outside.
Oh, I'll get the other choice.
I don't want to date a liberal, and they have to go to church every Sunday.
I don't want someone who likes cats.
I'm a dog person.
Is a moderate Democrat okay?
Only Republican.
I want someone who identifies as conservative.
Audrey, I don't know if there's a cat-hating, Christian, conservative, lesbian in most parts of New York,
Who wants to date a closeted 49-year-old with three children.
Would you be willing to date someone from Long Island or New Jersey?
I want to prioritize dating a man who's white at first.
But then if we have no luck, we can move on to other races.
So whites only at first?
I mean, technically, I'm open to all ethnicities.
Eleanor, technically, you're asking me to set you up with only white men.
I know the list looks long, but I deserve someone who fulfills all of my criteria.
I really do.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a cat.
Patricia, I know that every year you go without having a husband raises your expectations for him exponentially.
But that doesn't mean that you're due to get one.
And it doesn't mean that you can customize, because this is not a simulation.
If the service I was providing you was building you a man, then of course I could build you a man with everything on this list.
But I can't, because this is not a car or a house.
We're talking about people.
People are people are people are people.
They come as they are.
And all I can hope to find for you is a man that you can tolerate for the next 50 years, who likes you at all.
And you are not a catch, because you are not a fish.
I was managing her expectations.
Patricia canceled her membership and reviewed us online, calling us a scam.
We are a scam.
We don't give them what they pay for, do we?
We promise them love, and then we just give them bad dates with morons and criminals.
I know the Sophie Eltz situation is still weighing on you.
Burnout is common for matchmakers.
You need a break.
You should go on a trip with your boyfriend.
If I take a break right now, I may never come back.
You will, because you love your clients.
I hate them.
They are children.
I hate them.
They give us thousands of dollars.
They're entitled to some regression.
Do you think that any one of them says to their therapist, no blacks, no fatties?
And if I'm their actual therapist, which it feels like I am, I don't have the schooling to support that.
And I certainly don't get paid enough.
Lucy, we're better than therapists.
We work with the most intimate, extremely personal, unofficial part of their lives that they'd like to see struck from the record.
We work with their loneliness and rejection that kind of makes someone get naked for a stranger.
We're the real deal.
That's why they tell you more than they would tell their therapists.
And why they take risks with you.
Risks?
Yes, risks.
That can lead to a situation like what happened with Sophie Eltz.
And risks that lead to lifelong marriages.
You know this is life-changing work.
And you're born for it.
Take a break starting now.
And I expect you back in four weeks.
Renewed.
I insist.
I have amazing news.
My client, Chloe H.
and Fred A.
Just got engaged!
It's unbelievable!
Sophie!
Sophie!
Sophie!
Sophie!
You don't want to talk to me.
Please!
I am so embarrassed.
I thought I could pay some girl to find me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
An expert?
What a fucking joke.
Sophie, you know what's even funnier?
I almost felt like we were friends.
I, I, I really, I...
Can we please just talk?
Talk about what?
What do you have to say?
Sorry.
I am so sorry.
Fred.
I trusted you.
I didn't know what he was capable of.
I see, so...
You knew his height.
Which was a lie.
By the way.
And his job and his salary.
Which was also a lie, just for the record.
And his loads, which was really nothing much.
But you didn't know who he was.
As a person.
As a man.
Well, I went on a date with him and found out.
He's the kind of guy who gets drunk and follows you into the bathroom.
Why would you set me up with someone like that?
He was a strong match.
A lot of potential.
He checked a lot of our...
Boxes.
The truth is you set me up with that man only because you think I'm worthless.
No, I didn't know what to do with me.
That's how I ended up on that date.
Here I was thinking that you worked for me.
But the whole time I was working for you?
Worthless merchandise.
To pawn off to anyone who'd take it.
But I am not merchandise.
I'm a person.
And I know I deserve love.
I know you do.
I believe it.
Fuck you.
Pimp.
Can I get a receipt?
Here we go.
Lucy?
What's going on?
You okay?
No.
Do you want me to come get you?
No, I'm at home.
You can always call me.
What's up?
I'm locked up.
Okay.
I'm not supposed to tell anybody, but...
Can I tell you?
Of course.
Anything.
I set my client up with a bad person.
I didn't know he was bad, but I introduced them and now...
I can't fix it.
I'm the last person who can fix it.
Do you want to come over?
No.
No.
I'm about to go to Harry's.
Right.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's...
Hey.
Nothing to be sorry about.
Keep telling me what happened.
I'm here.
You know what they are?
I think so.
It's not a big deal.
I know.
I made an investment.
A body is like an apartment.
You have to invest to get the value back.
I understand you.
I invested too.
I figured.
Did your brother too?
Yeah, we did it together.
Eight years ago.
Six feet or taller was one of Charlotte's non-negotiables, so...
I'm glad he did.
Was it painful?
I know it sounds stupid, breaking your legs to get a few extra inches, but we keep saying it's definitely worth it.
It changed our lives.
Women, completely, of course.
Women just approach us and talk to us now, which never happened before.
I haven't struck out since.
You can also tell the difference at work, and at restaurants, and at airports.
You're just worth more.
Does this change anything?
No.
What are you thinking about?
I'm thinking that...
that you should go to Iceland without me.
Why?
I don't think that you and I are a good match.
Is it because of the surgery?
No, knowing that just makes me feel like I actually know you.
Then what?
It's really hard for me to feel like this is not about the legs.
It's not.
When I realized what you had done, it made me feel exactly how I felt about you before.
Which is what?
I'm not in love with you.
And you're not in love with me.
And there's no amount of money that can fix that.
Look, we're such a good match.
You're exactly what I'm looking for, and I know I can make your life better.
Harry, you don't want to marry me.
You want to do business with me, just like I want to do business with you.
Isn't marriage a business deal?
Yes, it is.
But love has to be on the table.
What if I'm not capable of it?
Love?
I can feel like an idiot.
I'm just a clueless child.
I feel so dumb thinking about it, or wanting it.
I find it so difficult.
You won't let me love someone.
It'll be easy.
No math.
Should I hire you for your services?
If you call the office, they'll assign someone great for you.
So this is it.
You and I are going to be six.
You were five-six before.
Confidence gave you a five-six.
Am I still a unicorn?
Where's my charger?
Hey, is that my charger?
My charger broke.
So you just took mine.
I had an alarm set.
And it answered the fucking door for once in your life.
What?
Hi, it's Lizzie.
I'm sorry.
No, no, that's okay.
I'll come down there.
Just give me, just don't move.
Hey, what the fuck?
Fuck.
Hi.
Hi.
You have a girl up there?
What?
No.
How could you say that?
I don't know.
You didn't want me to come up.
Oh.
Yeah, no.
There's no girl up there.
Sorry for showing up without warning.
I tried calling.
Sorry, my phone wasn't charged.
I meant to be on a plane to Iceland.
Okay.
I stumbled at my apartment for the week that I'm supposed to be in Iceland.
So I don't have a place to stay.
Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing here.
It doesn't make any sense.
No, it doesn't make any sense.
I'm going to stay.
This was a bad idea.
No, it's not.
It's just, my apartment is not suitable for you.
It was suitable before.
Yeah, well, I'm not in my twenties anymore.
I know what your apartment is like.
Trust me, it's worse than you remember.
I want to drive upstate.
And go where?
I don't know.
Just drive around, stay at a hotel.
I just got a stipend for my play, so I'm feeling rich.
You've been the same as always.
Really?
I told you today I was different.
Why?
Because I'm different than I was when we got together last year.
What?
That's my catering company.
I didn't think they'd get us in.
He loves her so much.
A special delivery, just for you.
A gift.
A white glove, sir.
Most handled with care.
Would you just sign here?
And the shelf here.
Thank you very much.
Have a good day.
One day, for no reason in particular, you two will start to hate each other.
You'll resent each other.
You'll take each other for granted.
You'll stop having sex, somehow.
Manage to make a couple of kids.
And then you'll get sick of each other.
One of you will cheat on the other.
Then you'll fight.
At first, not in front of the kids.
But then, in front of the kids.
Then you resent the kids for seeing you fight.
And then you file for divorce.
Who knows what, and who gets the kids when, until it's all over.
Why does anybody even get married?
Because people tell them they should.
And because they're lonely.
And because they're hopeful.
They want to do it a different way than their parents.
I can only give you love that lasts forever.
And a promise to be near knees down you call.
And the only heart I own for you and you alone.
That's all, that's all.
I can only give you country roads in springtime.
And I need to hope that leaves begin to fall.
And the lives we'll spend alive, all we'll spend alive.
That's all, that's all.
There are poems I am sure that I've told you.
They will give you food or a toy.
All I have are these eyes.
If you're wondering where I'm nestled in regalia.
That's all, that's all.
Take it easy like you were cold.
For now and evermore.
That's all, that's all.
John.
John.
What do you want?
Are we getting back together?
Lucy, are we getting back together?
I don't know.
I really don't.
So you thought you'd just show up at my door, not have a boyfriend, agree to get in my car,
Kiss me, fuck me while you try to get over someone else and then leave me again, is that it?
Do you think I'm worthless?
No, I don't think that.
Am I disposable?
Of course not.
Do you feel bad for me?
Poor old John can't figure his life out?
Never.
Then why are you using me?
I'm not.
I'm usually desperate enough to let you.
I'm a beggar for you.
When I see your face, I see wrinkles, grey hair, and children that look like you.
I can't help it.
But as your friend, I would tell you it's a bad idea to be with a 37-year-old catered waiter who still has roommates.
I'll tell you,
You definitely shouldn't marry a guy that has $2,000 in his bank account in a city he can't afford,
who's only still there to keep trying to be a theater actor because someone told him he was good at it once.
So where does that leave us?
You.
And someone else's wedding.
I can't give you the wedding or the marriage you want.
Couldn't even give you the relationship you wanted.
It's been years, and I still can't afford to be with you.
You're right.
Thank you.
Just because you can't afford it doesn't mean it's worth having.
You don't want me.
Of course I want you.
Are you even listening to me?
John, you and I haven't been together properly in so long that you've forgotten.
You don't want to be with me because I'm not a good person.
I'm judgmental and materialistic and cold.
I broke up with you because you're broke.
I've hurt you over and over.
You hate me.
I don't hate you.
You do.
And you're right to hate me because I'm awful.
Even now.
I'm thinking if I choose to marry you, I'm going to be sitting across from you in cheap, shitty restaurants for the rest of my life.
I'll be riding in your shitty car and living in your shitty bedroom and fighting with you about $25.
I'm weighing being with you against these shit trade-offs.
I'm doing math.
Is this what I'm like?
I know what you're like.
Then how could you still love me?
Sophie?
Lucy, I didn't know who else to call.
I haven't told anyone.
I don't have any friends in the city and my lawyers aren't picking up.
What's going on?
Mark is outside my building.
I called the cops but they said they won't come unless he's trying to break in and he's not trying to break in.
He's just buzzing the doorbell.
That's still harassment.
He won't be home after the date which I shouldn't have let him do but I was scared.
It's my fault.
It's not your fault.
He says he just wants to talk about it but I'm not going to let him in.
No, bolt your door.
I'm about an hour outside of Manhattan but I'll try to get there sooner.
I'm worried someone's going to open the building door for him.
I'm almost there.
He has to leave.
He can't stay outside all night, can he?
I want you to tell him someone is on their way.
Sophie, it's Lucy.
Is he gone?
Yes.
No one was here when we got here.
He must have run away when they said you were coming.
Can I come in?
How are you holding up?
Not good.
Mark's going to be really angry.
He's angry because he thought he was going to get away with something,
But he won't because you're not going to let him.
Can I hug you?
You know what I've been thinking about?
What?
I really need to get a boyfriend so that I have someone to call that's not my fucking matchmaker.
I'm going to die alone.
Sophie, I promise you you're going to marry the love of your life.
You don't expect me to believe that.
You don't have to believe it.
I believe it.
Let me guess.
Someone who checks a lot of my boxes.
I'm not asking for a miracle.
I just want to love someone.
Someone who can't help but love me back.
She's asleep.
Good.
You okay?
Yeah.
You should go home.
I'll take you home first.
I'm going to sleep on her couch and help her get her restraining order when she wakes up.
Okay.
Thanks for the ride.
Yeah, of course.
You asked how I could love you.
Would you still?
It's the easiest thing.
I love you too.
More than you know.
That's the only reason I know I'm capable of love.
I've been doing some math.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And I'm ready to make you an offer.
Okay.
Here's the offer.
I love you now like I loved you before.
I'll love you to the day I die.
It's a lifetime guarantee.
And I won't forget it even when things are shit.
I'll make a calendar item every day reminding myself that I love you.
I'll be your certainty.
It's my final offer.
We can't negotiate because I don't have anything else to offer you.
Deal.
Now I admit I'm not confident that I can make myself less broke.
You don't need to worry about that.
You know I can take care of myself.
Yeah, I know.
It's not for you.
It's for me.
For us.
You make me brave enough to admit I don't want to be happy.
And I want to be happy with you.
And I'm going to pick up more catering shifts and ask for a raise.
I'll find a serving job at an actual restaurant.
And then once I know how to manage my financial operations even though they're annoying I'll make an actual living.
And I'm going to move out of my apartment and sell my car.
Don't sell your car.
No.
No, let's just let's just drive around in it until it breaks down and it won't.
Two cave people in between the hunting and the gathering.
And in my dream I keep asking myself what made them perfect for each other?
Similar economic background?
Politically aligned?
Well-matched in their attractiveness?
Similar upbringing?
Or was it something else?
Something like you and me?
Can I get two chicken with rice?
Thanks a lot.
Keep that.
I'm sad you're leaving.
Bye.
Me too.
They really need me at the London office.
And I'm calling you first of all the Adora girls,
Because the CEO has asked me who should be asked to step up and be promoted To the Orchid,
- And I said it absolutely has to be you.
- Me?
Yes.
You're getting a promotion.
That's so funny.
Well, I was going to hand in my resignation letter tomorrow.
No, you weren't.
Yep, I have it printed out and everything.
You can't quit.
What would you do instead?
I honestly don't know.
Maybe marry someone poorer?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Just think about it.
You can negotiate a crazy salary to ask for any amount you want and I'll support you.
Okay?
Okay.
I'll think about it.
Bye.
I have to go.
My boyfriend's here.
Before you go, tell me how did Sophie Ellsday go last night?
She liked him.
Brian A, right?
Yeah.
5'8", 36, dentist, 200 gram before tax and he's just looking for a nice girl.
Sounds like a strong match.
He liked her too.
We are cautiously optimistic.
Good.
You should know Harry C is going on his first date.
Rose made a very strong match.
Gemma M, 30 and an artsy dealer.
I have to go.
Fine.
But hear the offer first.
Who?
Romy.
Hey.
Hi.
Would you like to make a very bad financial decision?
Are you single?
Hello?
I'm a matchmaker, and a dwarf.
Please give me a call if you want to meet somebody.
We have a lot of great matches for you.
Talk soon.
James, hi!
Thanks for calling me back.
I just wanted to get some feedback on your first date with my client Sophie.
I'm actually on my way to meet her right now, but I had a quick chat with her this morning,
and the headline is, she had a great time and would love to see you again.
Hello?
James?
Yeah, I'd like to be taken off the surface.
May I ask why?
I thought you were going to set me up with high quality women.
I said a fit woman in her 30s, with a nice smile.
She's 40.
In fact, 39 is not 30s, that's 40.
I would never swipe right on a woman like that.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm so happy.
You did it, Lucy.
When you said that he's 47 and only makes $150.000 a year, I almost said no, but I'm really happy I trusted you.
I know it's only been one date, and I need to manage my expectations, but it was probably the best first date I've ever had.
Sophie, so I just got off the phone with him, and he loved meeting you.
He had a great time, but he doesn't feel like the chemistry is there for him at this time.
So, onward and upward.
He doesn't want a second date?
No.
He's balding.
How fucking dare he?
Dating is a risk.
You took a risk.
It's grave.
Why did you set me up with someone like that?
He checked a lot of our boxes, and you checked a lot of his.
So, onwards and upwards.
Let's talk about your next match.
I have an amazing guy for you.
His name is Mark.
He's a doctor.
He's very handsome.
He has a full head of hair.
He's 48.
That's almost 50.
He looks great for 48.
He's very fit.
He looks like he's 40.
How tall?
5'11".
Is he actually 5'11", or is he actually 5'9"?
What's a couple inches?
I don't want to waste my time.
I'm not asking for a miracle.
I'm just asking for the bare minimum.
I'm trying to settle.
Sophie, I know how it feels right now, but I promise you, you're going to marry the love of your life.
I don't believe you.
That's okay.
I believe in you.
Girl of the hour.
Tonight!
We are going to celebrate;
The most talented Lucy.
One hell of a matchmaker.
With razor sharp instincts, and an eagle eye for chemistry.
Because this weekend, her client Charlotte Phoebe Is getting married!
Charlotte is being married because of Lucy.
Because Charlotte, Lucy matched her with one of our singles.
How many marriages are you responsible for now Lucy?
Nine.
Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!
HAPPY 9TH WEDDING LUCY
Speech! Speech! Speech!
My speech is :
That if the girl asks for a six foot tall, drinker of water, in his 40s with a salary of over 500 grand and a good airline,
You deliver.
I'm afraid there's not a single man in New York City that will date this girl.
That seems to be the issue.
That's the thing, there's nothing wrong with her.
She's okay attractive, okay money, okay educated, okay personality.
There's just not a standout quality.
She's not competitive in the mainstream market and there is no niche market for her.
Exactly, and if there's no specialty appeal then there's no place for her in any market.
That is tough.
And she's my favorite client right now.
I think she's entitled like everyone but she's sweet and she's realistic, she's not crazy.
She's a nice girl.
There's got to be a guy out there who just wants a nice girl.
What about Mark P?
He's okay.
I've pitched him to her already.
She's afraid he's not actually the type of man.
And I'm like, can we please not worry about a couple inches right now because you're about to die alone.
My mother's a surgeon for that.
For dying alone?
You're getting taller, up to six inches.
If you break your legs and extend it with a bone, you would solve.
That's a game changer.
Costs like 200k.
Six inches can double a man's value in the market.
If you can afford it, it's definitely worth the investment.
What's it say?
You're not ugly, you just don't have money.
Right.
Do you have a dress picked out for the wedding?
Yes.
Are you going alone?
Mm-hmm.
Who's the ambulatorial bachelorette?
Voluntaries.
I love it.
You want me to set you up with someone?
No.
I'm going to die alone.
Or get a rich husband.
Same thing.
Congratulations.
No, I'm how Charlotte and Peter met, okay?
But it's up to the client to build a strong enough relationship that leads to marriage.
But how did you know that Peter would be the perfect guy for Charlotte?
Well, she can't tell her.
It's her industry secret.
There are no industry secrets.
We can always meet our life partner out in the wild or swiping on apps.
But the happy ending to the first date is not the second date.
It's changing each other's diapers.
And burying each other.
You're looking for a nursing home partner and a grave buddy.
Who our partner is, it determines our whole life.
And how we live.
Not for one, two, ten years, but forever.
Oh my gosh.
I need you so badly.
Yeah, I'm desperate.
Can I give you my card?
Of course.
I'm going through a divorce right now.
Once it's over, I'm really, really going to give you my card.
I'm so sorry.
Even that receipt shades you.
I just need five minutes alone with her.
Hi, Charlotte.
Hey, Lucy.
How are you holding up?
Not good.
What's going on?
What's going on is that I am a modern woman.
I could have been anything.
Anything.
But I chose to become a bride.
I chose this.
It's not like I'm getting married because I need to forge a relationship between two kingdoms.
It's not like my family needs a cow.
I chose this.
I chose to marry a man.
Charlotte, marriage is a business deal.
And it always has been since the very first time two people did it.
You can always walk away if the deal isn't good.
And as the person who introduced you to Peter, I will walk right out of here with you.
So tell me, do you not want to get married today?
I have to.
Why?
Because my parents spent so much money on this wedding.
We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this wedding just so that I could feel like a fucking woman.
Why are you really in the darkest, ugliest part of yourself?
I want to marry Peter.
And I promise you, I have heard every reason why a person wants to get married to someone.
And none of them are shocking or wrong or crazy to me.
It will be a secret between you and me.
You promise it will be a secret?
I promise.
You cannot tell anyone.
Love is so, it is so.
I will take it to my grave.
He thinks my sister promised.
She's never said that, but I know it's true.
She thinks he's better than her husband.
She thinks he's got a better job, that he's better looking.
I told her.
And, um, that makes me feel like I won.
This is about value.
Peter makes me feel valuable.
Yeah, he does.
He really does.
Does that make you want to marry him?
No.
Hey.
I'm Harry.
Lucy.
You're the matchmaker.
You're the brother.
What are you doing at the singles table?
My mother wants me to marry.
I can help you with that.
I saw you recruiting earlier.
A wedding like this must be a goldmine.
There's a lot of opportunity here for our company.
Your sales pitch is perfect, because you make it feel like it's their idea.
It's not like you're telling people they need you.
Nobody wants to hear that.
If they need you, well, something is wrong with that.
Instead, you're saying you could do this on your own, but if you're lucky enough to be able to afford me, why not?
You're a luxury good, and they really do feel like they need you, just like they need every other luxury in their lives.
Once you get your first $400 haircut, you can't go back to Supercuts Canyon.
It's easy.
Well, you're just really good.
It's a mind game.
What's what like?
Being a matchmaker.
It's like working at the morgue, or an insurance company.
No way.
6'2", 5'6", skinny, fit, fat, white, black, Asian, doctor, lawyer, banker,
100 grand, 200 grand, 300 grand, smoker, non-smoker.
But you must know a lot about love.
I know about dating.
What's the difference?
Dating takes a lot of effort, a lot of trial and error, a ton of risk, and pain.
Love is easy.
Is it?
I find it to be the most difficult thing in the world.
That's because we can't help it.
It just walks into our lives sometimes.
Are you kidding on me?
Definitely not.
But I do think that you would be a great match for a lot of our clients.
We need more straight men in New York City.
You're about six feet tall.
How much money do you make?
Just straight up like that.
I make 80 grand a year before taxes.
Do you make more or less than that?
More.
I know.
Finance, right?
I think.
Do you want a drink?
Sure.
What do you want?
Coke and beer.
Okay.
Hello.
Hi, Joe.
Working now, obviously, but tell me, have you ever seen this?
Yeah.
Love is the last religion, the last country, the last surviving ideology.
So what else really is there to believe in?
You get lost.
And I know you get lost at times.
It's life.
When you're lost, the answer is simple.
Just go where love is.
Just go where love is.
Hi.
Hey.
So what made them perfect for each other?
Similar economic background, politically aligned, well-matched in their attractiveness.
Similar upbringing.
Similar.
They both come from big, happy families.
Yes.
The perception of a big, happy family is all you need to have a big, happy family.
Basically.
Are we soulmates?
Probably.
How's acting going?
How does it look like it's going?
Sorry?
No, don't be.
I'm just being a dick.
Giving you a hard time because I'm embarrassed.
What are you embarrassed about?
Having a job?
I'm at a play.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's not for a while.
I'm just doing jobs like this, trying to save some cash before rehearsal starts.
Definitely didn't expect to run into you tonight.
I missed you.
Yeah.
You don't even remember my face.
Got it.
Your turn.
Seen anyone?
You saw me at the singles table.
Can I give you a ride home after I'm done finishing up?
I have my car.
Yeah.
We should catch up.
You gave me your number?
Recruitment.
It worked for your brother, so I think it will work for you.
I'll call you if you dance with me.
Who can I call you?
I'm probably not someone you want to date.
Why not?
Because the next person I date, I'm going to marry.
So what kind of a person is the matchmaker going to marry?
Well, my non-negotiables are not very rich.
Am I nice to have?
Is that the mind-numbingly, absurdly...
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?
Can you announce the direction of the after-party?
You're not funny.
Do you want to try a rare shot of soda?
Never mind.
Remember this one?
No.
You still live in the same place?
Yep.
And it's still 8.50. No fucking way.
It's falling apart.
Never get enough water.
How are your roommates?
David moved in with his fiance.
And I think Logan is developing a drinking problem.
David is engaged?
Yeah.
To the TikTok girl?
Yep.
She has Omni fans now too.
Good for him.
Is it?
He's a 5'7 depressed novelist who's never been published.
He couldn't do better.
That's simple, huh?
Just math.
What are you thinking about?
It smells insane.
What, my car?
Mm-hmm.
Look, there.
I'm not going to pay $25 to park this piece of shit for an hour.
That's the cheapest we'll ever get.
We'll find street parking on the next block.
John, it's been 20 minutes.
I'll just pay for it.
You're not paying.
Like I said earlier, we're going to have to quarantine the reservation if we're more than 15 minutes late.
And then they charge us a cancellation fee of $25 per person.
Wait, are you fucking serious?
I told you this like 10 times.
That's extortion.
We agreed that we would go to nice restaurants on our anniversary.
There's no nice places in New York City that won't charge you $50 if you're a couple minutes late.
Why did we even bring the car?
Yes, my fault.
My rehearsal ran long.
Maybe it's because of the car.
So we can spend $50 to get into the city and then another $200 at the restaurant.
Why do you have a car if you can't pay for it, John?
Look, right there.
$20 for 40 minutes?
What the fuck is this math?
I don't want to fight about money with my boyfriend on our anniversary.
It makes me feel like my parents.
I'm sorry, okay?
Park in the next garage, please.
Lucy, where the fuck are you going?
Hey, I'm sorry, alright?
I'm sorry.
I just, I don't have any money.
And I, I forgot.
What?
What did you forget?
That you love me?
Will you please get back in the car?
Please?
I don't want to hate you because you're poor.
But right now, I do and it makes me hate myself.
You know how hard it is to make you happy.
And I want you to be happy.
I'm trying.
I really am.
I know.
That's almost enough to make me happy.
I wish that I didn't care if we ate from a halal cart on our five-year anniversary.
But I do.
And however much you hate me, I promise I hate myself more.
I don't hate you.
You do.
And it's not because we're not in love.
It's because we're broke.
You want to come up?
Yes.
But I shouldn't.
Thanks for the ride.
Invite me to your flight.
I will.
I'm just giving you feedback so you can improve your performance and I can start giving better matches.
I want to meet someone who's a combination of all the different awesome parts of the last four matches.
Sophie's job and education level.
Emily's body and lifestyle.
Climber's face and sense of style.
And Jane's hobbies and tastes in TV shows.
It'd be easy, since I'm Dr. Frankenstein.
I'm turning 48 in a few months, and I think I need to meet someone more grown.
Someone I can talk to.
Just a proper woman who knows good music, has seen old movies, things like that.
My last couple of girlfriends were 21 and 24, and they were honestly kind of immature.
I can imagine it might be a little hard to relate to a girl born in the 2000s.
I have a really special client, her name is Sophie.
She's a highly accomplished lawyer.
She's 39.
I wasn't really thinking 30s.
So when you said older...
I meant more like 27, 28.
Because it's really intense and complicated with women in their 30s.
They have really high expectations, and they tend to rush things, because I guess their biological clock's ticking.
I have another really beautiful client, she's 31.
No.
Someone 27.
Even 29 is pushing.
Trust me, it's the best thing for everyone.
I genuinely get along much better with girls in their 20s.
I don't care what she's like, or how she lives.
I just care that she's my type physically.
What's your type physically?
Fit.
Just fit?
Fit.
Nothing over 20 BMI.
Okay.
Thank you for agreeing to come on a date with me.
I only said yes to this so you'd realize you're wrong and you're not actually interested in me.
My instincts are usually right.
You think that you're more right about this than a professional?
No, sure you're the expert, but I trust my gut.
Okay.
We'll see.
You look really good today.
Thanks.
How many drinks per week?
Depends, but like 8, 10 for work makes it hard not to.
Do you do drugs?
Never.
I do pot at parties.
Me too.
So not never.
What do you think is your best physical feature?
My eyes aren't bad.
How'd you end up doing what you do?
Well, my parents worked for finance, and so does my brother, so I just kind of ended up doing it.
We all work for the firm I know this for.
It's a family business.
Yeah, it's boring.
How did you end up doing what you do?
It was the first and only thing I was really good at.
What else do you want to know about me?
I bet your parents never raised their voices at each other.
I think almost never.
Maybe they were secretive about you.
Did they ever fight about money?
No.
Makes sense.
I didn't really like the way our parents fight.
Who?
I see couples fighting in the middle of the street in New York, and I don't get it.
Aren't they embarrassed to do that in front of people?
I'm the type to fight in the middle of the street.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Have you ever done that?
Never.
Do you think he will like me?
I think you'll really like him.
Are you sure?
Stay open-minded.
I'm so nervous.
All right.
Okay, text me after.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Talk soon.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you okay?
Yes.
My client is going on a date right now, too.
You seem nervous.
I really want her to like this guy.
She's had like ten bad dates in a row, and I just waited to deliver.
Are you feeling guilty because you're about to go on a good date?
No.
I don't know if I like you or if I just like the places you take me to.
You like me?
When did that happen?
I think when I saw the way you pick up the bill.
I do it really well, don't I?
You do.
Just one swift motion.
No hesitation.
No fear.
I'm not going to afford it, so why would I be scared?
You're investing a lot in me, huh?
I just want our dates to be romantic.
How expensive a meal is makes the date romantic.
Doesn't it?
When we first met, you said your job makes you think like a mortician going to insurance claims adjuster.
How am I as a corpse?
A good corpse.
How am I as a payout?
Couldn't ask for better.
A nursing home partner?
A grave buddy?
You can do better than me.
Can I?
You know how to do the math, don't you?
In my line of work, I meet hundreds of highly desirable, high-quality men.
But you are what we call in my industry a unicorn.
An impossible fantasy.
Your brother was a unicorn, too.
The reason my clients cannot lower their expectations is because against all odds, men like you do actually exist.
I'm sure something's wrong with you.
You're perfect.
You're smart.
You have ideal income, ideal education, ideal lifestyle, ideal height.
You're good-looking, you have a great body, you're charming.
You were born rich, raised rich, you're still rich.
You own a penthouse in Tribeca.
You can take a girl to a restaurant like this, and it's not even like a special occasion.
You don't have a drug habit or a call girls habit.
You even know how to cut your hair and how to dress.
You have taste.
You are a 10 out of 10 in every category.
A complete package.
So, I don't know why you're trying to throw it all away on someone like me.
What's someone like you?
Just a girl who works.
I'm older than the women you could be dating, which means my looks won't last as long, and I have fewer years left to get pregnant.
If you marry a 25-year-old, then in 10 years, she'll look like me.
If you marry me, in 10 years, I'll look like my mother.
What does your daughter look like?
I was born poor, raised poor, and even though I work, I have debt.
I'm a college dropout and a failed actress.
I have no dowry.
If anything, I have a negative dowry.
Do I look like I need a dowry?
At the end of the day, the math doesn't add up.
Given your position in the marketplace, and even mine, I'm not a girl you marry.
I'm a girl that you go home with once, and then never call again.
So, what are you doing with me?
You say you think I'm sweat, but you're talking to me like I'm a caveman.
I wouldn't date you if I didn't see value.
I'm not like my brother.
I'm not looking for the nicest, prettiest, rich girl who likes me back.
I'm looking for someone who understands the game, how the world works.
I'm looking for someone I respect, trust, someone who knows more than me.
I don't want to date you for your material assets, and I think you're underselling them by a significant margin.
Material assets are cheap.
They don't last.
I want to be with you for your intangible assets.
Those are good investments.
They don't degrade, they only get sharper.
And besides, I have enough material assets for the both of us.
I see a lot of potential here.
I think you and I can make great partners.
I hope you agree.
As for what I can do for you, I think I'm the only guy this rich who can actually stand.
I don't like you because you're rich.
Then why do you like me?
Because you make me feel valuable.
You are valuable.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Do you want to see each other more seriously?
Hey, it's John.
Okay, just give me a call when you get this.
I just wanted to invite you to the play.
We start previews next week, so...
Okay, bye.
Iceland?
Would you like me to take you to Iceland?
I don't know.
I don't even have a passport.
That's good, you won't.
Totally.
What the fuck?
I say goodbye to Arkansas And I
don't know I've been thrown away Hey, motherfucker.
You can't leave your dirty laundry on the kitchen floor.
It's unacceptable.
I got kind of drunk last night.
I must have missed the trash can.
Why don't you throw it in your own fucking trash can?
I don't want it just sitting there in the room.
Why don't you want your own car in the room?
It's fucking gross.
So we have to deal with it in the fucking kitchen?
I know it doesn't make sense, man.
I was drunk.
Hey, can you two stop yelling?
I'm teaching you making plans on Zoom and you're making me look really unprofessional.
Hi, you reached Sophie.
Hello?
Hi Mark, it's Lucy from the door.
Uh, hi.
Hi, so I just wanted to get some feedback on your first date with my client Sophie.
Actually, I haven't gotten a hold of her yet so I don't know how it went on her end but I'm excited to hear how it went for you.
It went so well.
She's wonderful.
Like, really nice face, good body, good job, great energy, just all the things I said I wanted from a match.
Okay, I love hearing this.
Um, I'm so glad you had a good time.
Sophie is really wonderful.
Yeah, no, like the conversation as well.
Um, we ended up staying up pretty late.
Cool, so do you want to see her again?
Sure.
Great, yeah, of course.
One step at a time.
Alright.
Thanks Lucy.
I'm going to go get a shot this afternoon after I speak with her.
Thanks Mark.
Thanks Mark.
Hey, it's John.
Okay, just give me a call when you get this.
Just wanted to invite you to the play.
Hi, I'm Sophie.
Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, Rose was asking her client Mia W how it's going with Peter C's brother Harry.
Were you able to recruit him?
Yeah, actually, um, I'm dating him.
You're dating him?
Yep.
You know he's a unicorn.
Mm-hmm.
You going to let him go on a couple dates with some of our clients first?
He insisted.
I'm sure he did.
Hey Lucy, I need to speak to you in my office.
Have you spoken with Sophie yet?
Uh, not yet.
Just Mark P.
I just hung up with Sophie's lawyer.
Her lawyer?
Apparently, she was assaulted on the date.
What?
Uh, Mark P?
Yes.
Last night?
Are you serious?
She's bringing charges to the company, not you.
I have a call with the legal team in two minutes and we're going to figure it out.
I need to speak with her.
Lucy, no.
Violet, she's my client.
She's not anymore.
So if Sophie calls, you must not pick up.
I can't do nothing.
Do nothing.
You made the best match you could, given the information you have.
This particular match did not work out, but you've been doing amazing work for Sophie for months.
The match did not work out, Vi.
She was assaulted.
A matchmaker can't vouch for how a person is in an intimate setting since she's never been in one with them.
Has something like this happened before?
Of course.
This is dating.
This happened to one of my clients the third year I worked here.
If you do this long enough, it happens to all of us.
Let's send no one to risk.
Hi, you.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
No worries.
Am I dressed nice enough?
You might be dressed too nice.
My mother and father made love.
I was born.
I grew up.
I entered this restaurant.
I'm on a date.
A waiter walks up to me and asks, what can I do for you?
I don't know.
Continue.
I order a glass of water.
My mother and father made love.
I was born.
I grew up.
I read books.
I wrote book reports.
I went to more schools.
I wrote essays.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, that was great.
Was it?
Yes, I loved it.
This is my boyfriend, Harry.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming.
I remembered all those lines.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Well, listen, we're going around the corner to get a drink.
You guys want to come?
Yeah.
Great.
So what did you really like?
I liked it.
Some of it didn't make sense, but I love watching you act.
You know that?
Did you ever miss it?
Acting?
No.
Not even a little bit?
I'm not like you.
I was never going to be an actor.
I don't know how to stand or speak.
You were always good, though.
You're even better now.
I'm really proud of you, John.
The man at the wedding?
Yes.
He's the groom's brother.
Why?
I'm not going to mail him money.
Why not?
Because he's good looking.
Rich.
Has a real job.
Probably doesn't have a romance.
Probably doesn't get angry at stupid shit all the time.
It doesn't matter.
Can we talk about something else?
Are you okay?
Why do you ask?
I don't seem like you're okay.
Is it him?
Is it work?
I just don't think I'm very good at my job anymore.
I'm sure it's going to be fine.
You're so hard on yourself.
You're not a drone pilot or gun lobbyist.
You don't work at Shell or McKinsey.
It's just dating.
It's not that serious.
Right.
Dating's not serious.
It's just girl shit, right?
That's not what I meant.
You always know exactly what to say to me.
Ready to go?
Yeah.
I'm going to wait for you outside.
Oh, I'll get the other choice.
I don't want to date a liberal, and they have to go to church every Sunday.
I don't want someone who likes cats.
I'm a dog person.
Is a moderate Democrat okay?
Only Republican.
I want someone who identifies as conservative.
Audrey, I don't know if there's a cat-hating, Christian, conservative, lesbian in most parts of New York,
Who wants to date a closeted 49-year-old with three children.
Would you be willing to date someone from Long Island or New Jersey?
I want to prioritize dating a man who's white at first.
But then if we have no luck, we can move on to other races.
So whites only at first?
I mean, technically, I'm open to all ethnicities.
Eleanor, technically, you're asking me to set you up with only white men.
I know the list looks long, but I deserve someone who fulfills all of my criteria.
I really do.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a cat.
Patricia, I know that every year you go without having a husband raises your expectations for him exponentially.
But that doesn't mean that you're due to get one.
And it doesn't mean that you can customize, because this is not a simulation.
If the service I was providing you was building you a man, then of course I could build you a man with everything on this list.
But I can't, because this is not a car or a house.
We're talking about people.
People are people are people are people.
They come as they are.
And all I can hope to find for you is a man that you can tolerate for the next 50 years, who likes you at all.
And you are not a catch, because you are not a fish.
I was managing her expectations.
Patricia canceled her membership and reviewed us online, calling us a scam.
We are a scam.
We don't give them what they pay for, do we?
We promise them love, and then we just give them bad dates with morons and criminals.
I know the Sophie Eltz situation is still weighing on you.
Burnout is common for matchmakers.
You need a break.
You should go on a trip with your boyfriend.
If I take a break right now, I may never come back.
You will, because you love your clients.
I hate them.
They are children.
I hate them.
They give us thousands of dollars.
They're entitled to some regression.
Do you think that any one of them says to their therapist, no blacks, no fatties?
And if I'm their actual therapist, which it feels like I am, I don't have the schooling to support that.
And I certainly don't get paid enough.
Lucy, we're better than therapists.
We work with the most intimate, extremely personal, unofficial part of their lives that they'd like to see struck from the record.
We work with their loneliness and rejection that kind of makes someone get naked for a stranger.
We're the real deal.
That's why they tell you more than they would tell their therapists.
And why they take risks with you.
Risks?
Yes, risks.
That can lead to a situation like what happened with Sophie Eltz.
And risks that lead to lifelong marriages.
You know this is life-changing work.
And you're born for it.
Take a break starting now.
And I expect you back in four weeks.
Renewed.
I insist.
I have amazing news.
My client, Chloe H.
and Fred A.
Just got engaged!
It's unbelievable!
Sophie!
Sophie!
Sophie!
Sophie!
You don't want to talk to me.
Please!
I am so embarrassed.
I thought I could pay some girl to find me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
An expert?
What a fucking joke.
Sophie, you know what's even funnier?
I almost felt like we were friends.
I, I, I really, I...
Can we please just talk?
Talk about what?
What do you have to say?
Sorry.
I am so sorry.
Fred.
I trusted you.
I didn't know what he was capable of.
I see, so...
You knew his height.
Which was a lie.
By the way.
And his job and his salary.
Which was also a lie, just for the record.
And his loads, which was really nothing much.
But you didn't know who he was.
As a person.
As a man.
Well, I went on a date with him and found out.
He's the kind of guy who gets drunk and follows you into the bathroom.
Why would you set me up with someone like that?
He was a strong match.
A lot of potential.
He checked a lot of our...
Boxes.
The truth is you set me up with that man only because you think I'm worthless.
No, I didn't know what to do with me.
That's how I ended up on that date.
Here I was thinking that you worked for me.
But the whole time I was working for you?
Worthless merchandise.
To pawn off to anyone who'd take it.
But I am not merchandise.
I'm a person.
And I know I deserve love.
I know you do.
I believe it.
Fuck you.
Pimp.
Can I get a receipt?
Here we go.
Lucy?
What's going on?
You okay?
No.
Do you want me to come get you?
No, I'm at home.
You can always call me.
What's up?
I'm locked up.
Okay.
I'm not supposed to tell anybody, but...
Can I tell you?
Of course.
Anything.
I set my client up with a bad person.
I didn't know he was bad, but I introduced them and now...
I can't fix it.
I'm the last person who can fix it.
Do you want to come over?
No.
No.
I'm about to go to Harry's.
Right.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's...
Hey.
Nothing to be sorry about.
Keep telling me what happened.
I'm here.
You know what they are?
I think so.
It's not a big deal.
I know.
I made an investment.
A body is like an apartment.
You have to invest to get the value back.
I understand you.
I invested too.
I figured.
Did your brother too?
Yeah, we did it together.
Eight years ago.
Six feet or taller was one of Charlotte's non-negotiables, so...
I'm glad he did.
Was it painful?
I know it sounds stupid, breaking your legs to get a few extra inches, but we keep saying it's definitely worth it.
It changed our lives.
Women, completely, of course.
Women just approach us and talk to us now, which never happened before.
I haven't struck out since.
You can also tell the difference at work, and at restaurants, and at airports.
You're just worth more.
Does this change anything?
No.
What are you thinking about?
I'm thinking that...
that you should go to Iceland without me.
Why?
I don't think that you and I are a good match.
Is it because of the surgery?
No, knowing that just makes me feel like I actually know you.
Then what?
It's really hard for me to feel like this is not about the legs.
It's not.
When I realized what you had done, it made me feel exactly how I felt about you before.
Which is what?
I'm not in love with you.
And you're not in love with me.
And there's no amount of money that can fix that.
Look, we're such a good match.
You're exactly what I'm looking for, and I know I can make your life better.
Harry, you don't want to marry me.
You want to do business with me, just like I want to do business with you.
Isn't marriage a business deal?
Yes, it is.
But love has to be on the table.
What if I'm not capable of it?
Love?
I can feel like an idiot.
I'm just a clueless child.
I feel so dumb thinking about it, or wanting it.
I find it so difficult.
You won't let me love someone.
It'll be easy.
No math.
Should I hire you for your services?
If you call the office, they'll assign someone great for you.
So this is it.
You and I are going to be six.
You were five-six before.
Confidence gave you a five-six.
Am I still a unicorn?
Where's my charger?
Hey, is that my charger?
My charger broke.
So you just took mine.
I had an alarm set.
And it answered the fucking door for once in your life.
What?
Hi, it's Lizzie.
I'm sorry.
No, no, that's okay.
I'll come down there.
Just give me, just don't move.
Hey, what the fuck?
Fuck.
Hi.
Hi.
You have a girl up there?
What?
No.
How could you say that?
I don't know.
You didn't want me to come up.
Oh.
Yeah, no.
There's no girl up there.
Sorry for showing up without warning.
I tried calling.
Sorry, my phone wasn't charged.
I meant to be on a plane to Iceland.
Okay.
I stumbled at my apartment for the week that I'm supposed to be in Iceland.
So I don't have a place to stay.
Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing here.
It doesn't make any sense.
No, it doesn't make any sense.
I'm going to stay.
This was a bad idea.
No, it's not.
It's just, my apartment is not suitable for you.
It was suitable before.
Yeah, well, I'm not in my twenties anymore.
I know what your apartment is like.
Trust me, it's worse than you remember.
I want to drive upstate.
And go where?
I don't know.
Just drive around, stay at a hotel.
I just got a stipend for my play, so I'm feeling rich.
You've been the same as always.
Really?
I told you today I was different.
Why?
Because I'm different than I was when we got together last year.
What?
That's my catering company.
I didn't think they'd get us in.
He loves her so much.
A special delivery, just for you.
A gift.
A white glove, sir.
Most handled with care.
Would you just sign here?
And the shelf here.
Thank you very much.
Have a good day.
One day, for no reason in particular, you two will start to hate each other.
You'll resent each other.
You'll take each other for granted.
You'll stop having sex, somehow.
Manage to make a couple of kids.
And then you'll get sick of each other.
One of you will cheat on the other.
Then you'll fight.
At first, not in front of the kids.
But then, in front of the kids.
Then you resent the kids for seeing you fight.
And then you file for divorce.
Who knows what, and who gets the kids when, until it's all over.
Why does anybody even get married?
Because people tell them they should.
And because they're lonely.
And because they're hopeful.
They want to do it a different way than their parents.
I can only give you love that lasts forever.
And a promise to be near knees down you call.
And the only heart I own for you and you alone.
That's all, that's all.
I can only give you country roads in springtime.
And I need to hope that leaves begin to fall.
And the lives we'll spend alive, all we'll spend alive.
That's all, that's all.
There are poems I am sure that I've told you.
They will give you food or a toy.
All I have are these eyes.
If you're wondering where I'm nestled in regalia.
That's all, that's all.
Take it easy like you were cold.
For now and evermore.
That's all, that's all.
John.
John.
What do you want?
Are we getting back together?
Lucy, are we getting back together?
I don't know.
I really don't.
So you thought you'd just show up at my door, not have a boyfriend, agree to get in my car,
Kiss me, fuck me while you try to get over someone else and then leave me again, is that it?
Do you think I'm worthless?
No, I don't think that.
Am I disposable?
Of course not.
Do you feel bad for me?
Poor old John can't figure his life out?
Never.
Then why are you using me?
I'm not.
I'm usually desperate enough to let you.
I'm a beggar for you.
When I see your face, I see wrinkles, grey hair, and children that look like you.
I can't help it.
But as your friend, I would tell you it's a bad idea to be with a 37-year-old catered waiter who still has roommates.
I'll tell you,
You definitely shouldn't marry a guy that has $2,000 in his bank account in a city he can't afford,
who's only still there to keep trying to be a theater actor because someone told him he was good at it once.
So where does that leave us?
You.
And someone else's wedding.
I can't give you the wedding or the marriage you want.
Couldn't even give you the relationship you wanted.
It's been years, and I still can't afford to be with you.
You're right.
Thank you.
Just because you can't afford it doesn't mean it's worth having.
You don't want me.
Of course I want you.
Are you even listening to me?
John, you and I haven't been together properly in so long that you've forgotten.
You don't want to be with me because I'm not a good person.
I'm judgmental and materialistic and cold.
I broke up with you because you're broke.
I've hurt you over and over.
You hate me.
I don't hate you.
You do.
And you're right to hate me because I'm awful.
Even now.
I'm thinking if I choose to marry you, I'm going to be sitting across from you in cheap, shitty restaurants for the rest of my life.
I'll be riding in your shitty car and living in your shitty bedroom and fighting with you about $25.
I'm weighing being with you against these shit trade-offs.
I'm doing math.
Is this what I'm like?
I know what you're like.
Then how could you still love me?
Sophie?
Lucy, I didn't know who else to call.
I haven't told anyone.
I don't have any friends in the city and my lawyers aren't picking up.
What's going on?
Mark is outside my building.
I called the cops but they said they won't come unless he's trying to break in and he's not trying to break in.
He's just buzzing the doorbell.
That's still harassment.
He won't be home after the date which I shouldn't have let him do but I was scared.
It's my fault.
It's not your fault.
He says he just wants to talk about it but I'm not going to let him in.
No, bolt your door.
I'm about an hour outside of Manhattan but I'll try to get there sooner.
I'm worried someone's going to open the building door for him.
I'm almost there.
He has to leave.
He can't stay outside all night, can he?
I want you to tell him someone is on their way.
Sophie, it's Lucy.
Is he gone?
Yes.
No one was here when we got here.
He must have run away when they said you were coming.
Can I come in?
How are you holding up?
Not good.
Mark's going to be really angry.
He's angry because he thought he was going to get away with something,
But he won't because you're not going to let him.
Can I hug you?
You know what I've been thinking about?
What?
I really need to get a boyfriend so that I have someone to call that's not my fucking matchmaker.
I'm going to die alone.
Sophie, I promise you you're going to marry the love of your life.
You don't expect me to believe that.
You don't have to believe it.
I believe it.
Let me guess.
Someone who checks a lot of my boxes.
I'm not asking for a miracle.
I just want to love someone.
Someone who can't help but love me back.
She's asleep.
Good.
You okay?
Yeah.
You should go home.
I'll take you home first.
I'm going to sleep on her couch and help her get her restraining order when she wakes up.
Okay.
Thanks for the ride.
Yeah, of course.
You asked how I could love you.
Would you still?
It's the easiest thing.
I love you too.
More than you know.
That's the only reason I know I'm capable of love.
I've been doing some math.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And I'm ready to make you an offer.
Okay.
Here's the offer.
I love you now like I loved you before.
I'll love you to the day I die.
It's a lifetime guarantee.
And I won't forget it even when things are shit.
I'll make a calendar item every day reminding myself that I love you.
I'll be your certainty.
It's my final offer.
We can't negotiate because I don't have anything else to offer you.
Deal.
Now I admit I'm not confident that I can make myself less broke.
You don't need to worry about that.
You know I can take care of myself.
Yeah, I know.
It's not for you.
It's for me.
For us.
You make me brave enough to admit I don't want to be happy.
And I want to be happy with you.
And I'm going to pick up more catering shifts and ask for a raise.
I'll find a serving job at an actual restaurant.
And then once I know how to manage my financial operations even though they're annoying I'll make an actual living.
And I'm going to move out of my apartment and sell my car.
Don't sell your car.
No.
No, let's just let's just drive around in it until it breaks down and it won't.
Two cave people in between the hunting and the gathering.
And in my dream I keep asking myself what made them perfect for each other?
Similar economic background?
Politically aligned?
Well-matched in their attractiveness?
Similar upbringing?
Or was it something else?
Something like you and me?
Can I get two chicken with rice?
Thanks a lot.
Keep that.
I'm sad you're leaving.
Bye.
Me too.
They really need me at the London office.
And I'm calling you first of all the Adora girls,
Because the CEO has asked me who should be asked to step up and be promoted To the Orchid,
- And I said it absolutely has to be you.
- Me?
Yes.
You're getting a promotion.
That's so funny.
Well, I was going to hand in my resignation letter tomorrow.
No, you weren't.
Yep, I have it printed out and everything.
You can't quit.
What would you do instead?
I honestly don't know.
Maybe marry someone poorer?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Just think about it.
You can negotiate a crazy salary to ask for any amount you want and I'll support you.
Okay?
Okay.
I'll think about it.
Bye.
I have to go.
My boyfriend's here.
Before you go, tell me how did Sophie Ellsday go last night?
She liked him.
Brian A, right?
Yeah.
5'8", 36, dentist, 200 gram before tax and he's just looking for a nice girl.
Sounds like a strong match.
He liked her too.
We are cautiously optimistic.
Good.
You should know Harry C is going on his first date.
Rose made a very strong match.
Gemma M, 30 and an artsy dealer.
I have to go.
Fine.
But hear the offer first.
Who?
Romy.
Hey.
Hi.
Would you like to make a very bad financial decision?