Matt Rife: Matthew Steven Rife (2023) Movie Script
1
- Fuckers online telling
me always on the internet,
"Matt Rife ain't about this.
"Matt ain't about that.
"Matt just a pretty boy.
"He don't got jokes.
"He not even funny to me."
Shut the fuck up!
Y'all niggas ain't know shit!
All y'all motherfuckers talk about is,
"Matt Rife don't sell tickets.
"Matt a fuck boy.
"Matt ain't funny."
Shut the fuck up!
Y'all niggas don't be with that nigga!
Y'all don't see the work he put in,
blowing up on TikTok and shit.
Nigga been doing standup since
fucking I don't know when!
Motherfuckers need to stop
playing with him like that.
That nigga is savage out here.
If I catch another
motherfucker talking sweet
about Matt Rife, I'm
fucking beating they ass!
I'm not fucking playing no more.
You know that nigga's Steve's grandson.
- Oh my god.
Austin, what the fuck is up?
How is everybody? Good?
Let's go.
Oh my god.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
This is so cool.
It means the absolute world.
Thank you, guys.
Just checking y'all out.
This is fun. This is good.
Gay?
One for one, baby.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Oh!
It's the energy I was looking for.
Thank goodness, man.
Oh my god, thank you so
much for coming out twice.
I appreciate that.
It's very brave. Very brave.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I wish my entire crowd
was gay men, to be honest.
Dude, it's just an energy
you want to be around.
You know what I mean?
Dude, I've never met a
gay dude in a bad mood.
Not once.
Dude, I have been so
jealous of gay men lately.
You have no idea.
That's what I'm talking about, man.
I've been so jealous, man.
Oh god, it just looks like a
good time going on over there.
I wish I was gay for the
fitness and the fashion alone.
Are you kidding me?
Oh my god, I'm straight, but
I'd love to be in gay shape.
You know what I mean?
You ever meet a gay dude?
They're in great shape
every fucking time, man.
It's so impressive.
Gay dudes stay in the gym.
That's the guy's name, Jim.
They just stay in there.
They just turning it out,
burning the calories, dog.
It's dedication.
You better respect it.
That's next level fitness, bro.
That's that level of in shape
that like you could fight
off another grown man
if you wanted to, you know?
That's up to you.
You put in the work top or bottom.
That's you, dog. That's your prerogative.
God, and if they're not fucking...
If they're not fucking shredded,
they fucking dress impeccably.
You guys look fantastic.
Oh my god, I don't know
if you guys know this,
but gay men have a stranglehold
on the fashion game.
They are killing shit.
Bro, nobody in this world
dresses better than gay men.
You better respect it.
It's pretty impressive.
I mean, you spend enough
time in the closet,
you bound to find something, you know?
Boots.
Love it.
Oh man.
Exhausted, man.
We've been traveling a lot this year.
It's been very exciting.
It's one of the most
fun parts about the job.
Obviously it's a little taxing as well.
I got a chance to go home recently.
I'm originally from Ohio.
I don't know if anybody's
ever made that mistake.
I never go home.
I left 10 years ago
right after high school.
And that's about it, man.
I go home maybe once or twice a year.
I'll go home for Christmas
or something like that.
You know, I'll go home for the holidays.
I don't mind that as much,
'cause whenever I go home for Christmas,
I stay with my grandpa, and
I love my grandpa to death.
He's probably the closest
person to me in my family.
And I love staying with him
'cause whenever I'm not there,
he lives by himself.
And my grandpa's lived
alone for like 15 years.
Been single 15 years.
Hasn't been on a date in 15 years.
Yeah, as you can imagine.
Carpal tunnel's on its way.
And because he's lived alone for so long,
he's kind of become this like
crotchety, grumpy old man.
He doesn't like anything or anybody.
He just complains all day long.
You all know an old person like this.
He's always the hardest person to shop for
for Christmas every year.
So two years ago, it's
mid-December, right?
I'm at my place in LA, I'm
getting ready to go home,
you know, finishing up
all my online shopping.
And it gets down to him every year.
I'm sitting there just racking my brain.
I'm like, "What the fuck
do I get this dude?"
He doesn't like anything.
He doesn't like anybody.
He doesn't have anybody.
So I bought him a pocket pussy.
Normally I would be like,
"Does anybody not know
what a pocket pussy is?"
But this is 6th Street.
Y'all be fucking banana peels
or whatever y'all can find out here.
Y'all in no position to
judge my family, okay?
Bro, I just wish y'all
could have been there
to see him open it on Christmas morning,
'cause we all thought
he was gonna be like,
"What the fuck is this shit?"
But he was like, "Thank you."
"This is exactly what I needed."
I was like, "It's a fleshlight,
not a purple heart, dog.
"Relax, okay?
"Stop feeling so honored."
He loved it, man, so obviously
Christmas is a good time.
And then we fast forward a little bit.
Now we fast forward to
that following February,
and I hadn't spoken to my
grandpa since Christmas,
so I call him up.
"Hey, Steve.
"Steven, what's up, man?
"How you doing?
"I love you.
"I miss you.
"You know, Christmas was fun.
"It's always good to spend the
holidays with you, you know."
"How was it?"
And there was just a silence
on his end of the phone.
I was like, "Are you using it right now?
"Like, fucking answer me, dog.
"Like, what's the review?
"You know, I'm interested."
He goes, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
He gets all defensive,
and I'll never forget these
words for as long as I live.
He goes, "No, no, no, no, no.
"I...
"I broke her neck."
There is so much to unpack
in that one sentence.
First of all, her?
You gave it a pronoun.
Now it's real.
Second, neck?
That's not even what it is.
And third, you broke it?
Dog, how hard are you going?
Fucking 15 years, you forget
how to be a gentleman?
So we laugh about it on the
phone for a couple of hours.
And now we fast forward to
the following Christmas.
This is last Christmas.
Again, same time of year going
home, finishing up shopping,
gets down to him.
So now I'm really struggling.
I'm like, "What the fuck
do I get him this year?"
Like, how do I possibly top
what I did last year, you know?
Clearly he enjoyed it.
And now my man hasn't had
pussy since at least February.
So I doubled down.
Got him another one.
I got him two pocket pussies
two Christmases in a row.
I'm grandson of the decade, easily.
Well, you know, obviously I
was a little bit more aware
of what it was gonna be put
through this time around.
I had to find him one more durable, right?
You know, something with a stronger neck.
Now I'm out here trying to
find a pocket with traps.
Trying to find my Papaw a
trap queen for Christmas.
And I fucking,
I couldn't find exactly
what I was looking for.
I was so mad.
And then I think I found
the next best thing.
I found this other pocket pussy
that I've never seen anything
like it, it was remarkable.
It came with, it was like so souped up.
It came with all these like
attachments and pieces.
It was like a Swiss army pussy.
It had a compass and a can opener.
And it doubles as a canteen
if you're lost in the woods, I guess.
But by far the best attachment
this thing came with
was that like if you, if you...
Let's say you fuck this side of it, right?
Like, this is the entrance.
This side of it is a suction cup.
The idea being, you can fucking...
Put it to walls and shit if
you need to, I don't know,
switch positions, work your legs,
you know, whatever it is you
feel like you needed added
to your repertoire, you know?
And I got it for him thinking
like, oh, this is so creative.
You know what I mean?
Now my man's got free roam in the house.
You know, he's not bed bound,
beating his dick like a pilgrim.
He's got options.
You know what I mean?
So I was excited for him,
but now I'm fucking terrified
to go home this Christmas.
And there's just gonna be
chunks of drywall missing
all around the house waist level.
Doing a bit of remodeling, are we?
His house looks like a mid demo project.
Like, goddamn, Papaw,
you literally fucked from
the window to the wall.
Got your dick sucked down the hall.
Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve,
Steve, Steve, Steve.
He's disgusting.
But he is funny, man.
He's very funny.
I called him about a month ago,
and I told him I was gonna start
telling this story on stage
'cause it's 100% true
and I think the world should know that.
And he's got such a good
sense of humor, man.
He was joking with me back.
He was like, "You keep
telling people that story,
"I'm gonna leave it to you in my will."
Which I think would be fucking hilarious.
I told him, I was like,
"Yo, you should do that,
"'cause I'll fucking,
I'll put your ashes in it,
"name it Ashley, and then I'll fuck it."
Just kind of keep it in the
family, you know what I mean?
Just from generation to generation,
just so he can meet his
great grandkids, you know?
Guys, it's called cream-ation.
Grow up.
Grow up.
- You nasty!
- It's not your grandpa.
Yeah, my grandpa's funny, man.
You guys would like him.
You can judge him if you want to.
At least he got somebody.
It's hard to find your person, isn't it?
Dating's hard.
It's a very cliche topic.
Every comedian talks
about how hard dating is,
but it's a relatable subject.
Something everybody
goes through, you know?
It definitely gets harder
depending on where you live too.
Like I said, I live in LA now.
It's the fucking worst, bro.
There's no good people.
Bunch of fucking heathens running around.
Nobody's going to heaven.
Not one person.
City of Angels. No angels.
It's depressing, man.
It's so depressing getting
let down every time.
Like, I just expect it at this point.
Every first date I go on,
as soon as I sit down,
I'm like, "All right, bitch, what is it?
"Ask me.
"Ask me what my sign is, I dare you.
"I'll split this check so
fucking fast, I swear to God.
"Oh, you're a Pisces?
"Awesome.
"Yeah, charge it to her crystals.
"They were in the moon
all night last night.
"So clearly they're juiced up."
I'm so fucking tired of
hearing about astrology,
I swear to God.
It's all y'all care about.
I've stopped sending dick pics
and just started sending my
star chart, to be honest.
It's getting me so much further.
So much further.
I hate it so much, man.
I have so many red flags now, bro.
And no patience.
That's the main thing.
It's like, I've been
let down so many times
that like, now, if I see something
that triggers a red flag in me, I'm gone.
I'm not gonna wait around
to be inevitably let down.
You know what I mean?
It's a waste of time.
And I've got so many red
flags that there's some
that I want to get off my chest.
And I think maybe we'll
find some common ground,
and maybe you'll think I'm crazy,
but I think it's worth finding out.
And we'll start slow.
We're easing our way into it.
We're gonna start with
red flag number one.
And just a disclaimer,
this one is not gonna be the funniest one,
but I do think it's gonna resonate
with the most amount of people here.
Red flag number one is when she-
That bitch.
That bitch is red flag number one.
That is red flag number one.
Girls who don't drink enough water.
That's what it is.
Red flag number one is when
she has another guy in her life
who is consistently
trying to sleep with her
and she refuses to acknowledge this.
This is good.
This is gonna cause a lot of
fights in the car ride home.
This is my favorite one.
You clapping hard as fuck.
You had an argument recently.
- I'm good!
- Like I said, this
isn't the funniest one,
but you better believe every dude in here
in a relationship right now
knows the guy in his girl's life
that he's like, "Fuck that dude.
"I'll kill him tomorrow."
It's so obvious to us, right?
As the boyfriend, this
shit is clear as day,
we can spot it from a mile away.
Usually the beginning of the
relationship, we'll clock it,
we'll pull you aside.
"Hey babe, I know you
hang out with so-and-so,
"and that's fine.
"You're a grown woman.
"You can do whatever you want.
"I'm not controlling or anything,
"but just so you know, that
dude's trying to fuck you."
And women will always have
the exact same naive reaction.
"Babe, come on.
"Are you serious?
"Him?
"You're worried about him?
"He's literally like my best friend.
"Like, he's literally
like a brother to me."
Word?
Oh, that's your brother?
Oh, I didn't realize
what kind of PornHub family
tree you were associated with,
but shut it down, okay?
He's not your friend,
he's not your brother.
He wants to enter your body holes.
End of story, okay?
Ladies, you have to understand,
the reason we are so passionate
about bringing this to your attention
is not because we think you're stupid.
It's not because we don't trust you.
It's that you're being taken advantage of.
You're hanging out with somebody
who's lying about their intention
so they can weasel their
way into your life.
And that's not a real friend.
That's some shady shit to do.
So we're just trying
to point out something
that's happening under your nose,
so hopefully you can be aware
of it and put a stop to it.
I promise you, we are coming
at it with good intentions,
and you still wanna get mad at us
and act like we're the crazy
ones making this shit up.
"Oh, that is so ridiculous.
"Why would a guy go
through all that trouble
"and pretend to be my friend
just to sleep with me?"
I don't know.
But I've done it so many times.
I've done it so many times.
How do you think I got you, stupid?
Come on.
Oh my god.
Nobody has been a better friend than me.
Are you kidding me?
That's why dudes can spot the shit
'cause fucking game recognize game.
You know what I mean?
He'll do some shady shit,
and we're like fucking,
"Good move.
"That's some shit I
would've done, you know?"
"Fuck you, but respect."
He is not your friend, ladies.
And if you really do treat
him like your best friend,
oh, that's so much worse.
'Cause if you treat him
like your best friend,
that means you have gone to
him with all of your secrets,
all of your problems.
He knows everything you like,
everything you don't like.
You've probably complained to him
about everything your
boyfriend does wrong.
So now this motherfucker has
all the infinity stones...
To become the perfect guy for you.
So when you and your
boyfriend finally break up,
who do you go running to?
Me.
And I've been waiting
for this moment, boy.
Weeks, months, maybe years.
I've been waiting for this
exact opportunity, bro.
I've been putting in work too.
I've been sending you
memes in the morning.
I've been texting you,
"How's your day going?"
I don't give a fuck about your day.
Are you stupid?
It's my day.
I care about my day.
Come on, man.
It's about patience.
All I've had to do is play it cool
and stay in the game long enough
and wait for the day that
you come banging on my door,
crying your eyes out.
And I just have to play stupid.
Like...
"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Hey, hey, hey.
"Why are you crying?"
"He said he doesn't trust me?
"That's crazy.
"Y'all broke up?
"Oh my god, I am so sorry.
"Some dudes are so insecure.
"Oh my god."
He's not your fucking friend!
Stop falling for his shit, ladies.
I'm trying to tell you.
- Preach!
Preach!
Oh my god!
- Shut up.
Now I understand this is
the part of the red flag
that I'm sure a lot of
the women in the audience
are thinking, "Well, Matt,
what about the reverse?
"How about when a guy has a girl friend?
"What about that?"
And I hear you.
Look, ladies, you can be,
look, a guy can have a
girl that is just a friend.
No, listen, listen, listen, listen.
Listen.
I'll wait.
You as a girl can be
just a friend to a guy,
but it means
ya ugly.
I'm sorry.
I know you don't wanna hear it,
but you just a homie with a ponytail.
I don't know what else to tell you, man.
Men and women can be just friends,
but one of y'all fucking busted, okay?
Somebody ugly, or maybe both.
Maybe both of you are ugly,
in which case y'all
should be fucking anyways!
That's why it's called bumping uglies.
Like I said, that's not the funniest one,
but you got some thinking to do.
Oh man.
Red flag number two.
Red flag number two.
She cannot have any
distinct physical features.
I'll explain.
Nobody feel targeted.
And before you get mad at me,
I'm not even the shallow one
in this red flag, by the way.
It's my fucking friends
because all of my friends are Black,
and they will roast you
within an inch of your life
if you have anything
prominent about your face
that stands out at all.
They have cost me so many
potential relationships.
I was seeing this girl last summer.
I thought maybe she was the one, man.
She was fucking beautiful.
She was smart, funny,
didn't know her dad.
She was new to town.
She was new to town.
She just moved to LA from
Austin a couple months
before I met her.
Like, very sweet, innocent girl, right?
We were hanging out for a while.
We went on a handful of dates.
And everything was going great
until like just a couple of dates in.
I was hanging out with a
bunch of my friends of mine
who I hadn't seen in a while.
So, you know, we're
hanging out, catching up,
and they're grilling me about, you know,
what's going on, what's
new, you seeing anybody?
And I was.
I was so proud and excited
to be seeing this new girl.
So, you know, I broke out her Instagram.
I was like that's her.
And my friends immediately were like,
"Oh!"
Which is Black for, "I'm
about to hurt your feelings."
They roasted this poor
girl for like 90 minutes.
Did I laugh? Yeah.
But fuck those dudes.
I'm not gonna stop hanging out
with her over it, you know?
I didn't.
We kept hanging out.
We went on a few more dates,
until our last date, man.
We were at dinner, and she
just laid it out there.
She was like, "You know what, Matt?
"I'm having a really nice time with you.
"And I think it's time
we take this relationship
"to the next level,
"and we need to start
incorporating our friends
"into our hangouts.
"You know, I need to meet your friends.
"You need to meet my friends.
"We'll all hang out together.
"See if our friend groups
get along, you know?"
And I was like...
"Why?
"You know, why are you
trying to rush things?
"You know, I'm having such a
good time getting to know you.
"You know?"
She's like, "No, it's important
that our friends get along."
And I was like, "No, I hear you."
"I don't think it's such a good idea."
And she started to get really upset.
She was like, "And why not?"
And I was like, "Because...
"Because we have the same chin."
She was like, "What?"
I was like, "You have like a
cleft chin like how I have.
"It's very strong.
"It is a very masculine facial feature.
"And like I think it's cute obviously."
"But not everybody does."
She was like, "What
are you trying to say?"
I was like, "My friends
are going to roast you.
"They're gonna make fun
of the way you look.
"I'm sorry.
"It's just how they are."
She goes, "Oh, that is so childish.
"Like, what are they gonna say?
"That I have like a butt chin?
"Ooh, so original.
"Like, I've heard it all before, babe."
And I was like,
"No, you haven't.
"I don't know how many
Black friends you have,
"but this is kind of what they do, okay?
"Do you know that they call
you the Texas Chinsaw Massacre?
"Did you know that?"
That was just off the top.
She was so offended!
She goes, "Oh, that is so rude.
"Is that all they know about
me is what I look like?"
I was like, "No, they know you
just moved here from Texas."
"To be a chin-fluencer, they said."
And now I miss her, man.
I know.
She was my little Chin-derella.
So stupid.
I appreciate you wearing your best shorts.
I know it's hot outside, but
like this is still an event.
You know what I mean?
He's like, "I know I'm
going to a comedy show,
"but just in case there's a trampoline."
Didn't even try.
You mowing the grass after this?
Goddamn, man.
Whatever. It's not your night.
You're right.
Pressure's on me.
Red flag number three.
Yeah, there's more.
Red flag number three.
A big red flag for me is if I
don't have anything in common,
like hobby-wise with somebody.
Like, it's such a necessary
relationship trait to have.
It's so easy to be physically
attracted to somebody.
Obviously, it's everyone's first instinct.
But I think if you want
longevity in a relationship,
you have to have that extra
layer of compatibility, right?
You have to wanna do
things together, I think.
So like a big red flag for me is like
if a girl doesn't go to the gym,
and that's just because it's
a very big part of my life.
I love going.
I go every day.
I'm a very big advocate of going
to the gym and working out.
And it's so good for your health.
Not just your physical, but
your mental health as well.
Gets your endorphins going.
Get some of that stress
relief out of you, you know?
But I do acknowledge that
it's not for everybody.
It's intimidating for some
people who don't go every day.
And I try to be cognizant of that.
And I try to help out the best I can.
Like, there may be some
people in here right now
or maybe watching at home
that want to get started
and just don't know how
to take that first step.
And if there is anybody out there,
I highly recommend the
program I just started
about six months ago that
changed my life forever.
And that program is where I only
work out with Black dudes.
Exclusively.
Because Black dudes will
push you to your limits
whether you want to or not.
I started about six months ago, man.
I was in the gym one day,
and I was having a bad day.
I was stressed about something.
I was angry about something.
And I was like, "Man, fuck this.
"I'm gonna use this
negative as a positive.
"I'm gonna use this aggression.
"I'm gonna put up some weight."
And I was hitting a chest day.
So I was like, "Fuck it.
"I'm gonna hit a new
max on the bench press."
So I go in there, put the
lighter weights on first,
get loosened up, get warm, you know?
And then you gotta put
on the heavier stuff.
And when you do that,
you're supposed to have a...
- Spotter.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
spotter so you don't die.
And I didn't know anybody
in there at the time.
Closest person to me was the Black dude
at the bench next to me.
So I walked over, I was like,
"Hey man, would you mind spotting me
"for this set real quick?"
And he was like, "Yeah, I got you."
I was like, "I feel like you do."
"Everything about your voice is safe.
"I feel like I can lift the world now.
"Okay, come on."
So we go over to the bench together.
He gets behind the rack
in the spot position.
He's ready.
I lay down, and I'm
trying to psych myself up,
get in the zone.
Line up my hands, get a good grip.
And finally I just finally, I just ah,
I get it off the rack.
I get one rep in.
Oh, I get two reps in.
I get stuck on the third,
and my arms start shaking,
and he can see this.
So like any good spotter,
he has some words of encouragement.
I'm trying not to die.
And this man just gets in my ear...
And, "Do that shit!"
"Do that shit!
"It ain't nothing!"
I was like...
I said, "I don't know, man.
"I'm getting kind of tired."
He was like, "My people been tired!"
I was like, "Goddamn."
"I'm sorry!"
It was only like 255.
You add white guilt on top of that,
it's like 500 pounds, man.
I was like, "Is this
pre-workout or a history lesson?
"What are we doing, dog?"
I racked that shit up.
I was like, "I appreciate you, man.
"I was struggling at the end."
He was like, "You don't know struggle."
Fuck, man.
Can't have anything.
So that's my new routine
whenever somebody's like,
"You look good, Matt.
"You on a diet?"
I'm like, "Yeah, it's
called White Watchers.
"You should try it."
It's when Black people
watch white people struggle.
You will sweat. I promise you.
This is one of the whitest
crowds I've ever seen
in my entire life.
Bro, I'm uncomfortable.
Y'all are so white.
Is this a comedy show or a meeting?
Goddamn.
Oh my god.
I'm sorry.
Red flag number...
We could try something different.
This could be fun or it
could be a fucking nightmare.
But I think we can have fun.
So the thing is I could
do red flags for hours.
And they could be funny.
We could all laugh, have
a guaranteed good time.
But who wants to do that?
And a lot of times I don't
like to do a lot of red flags
because it is very male to female.
You know, it's listing things
that men don't like about women,
and I don't want that to be
unfair, one-sided, or sexist.
So to even it out sometimes
I'm genuinely curious,
like for the women in the audience,
what might be some red flags
for a guy if you go on a date
with him and he says or does this
that makes you kind of be
like, "Ooh, I don't know."
Hold on, I'm gonna go balcony.
I'm gonna go balcony.
What is it?
Is it a good one?
- Splitting the check!
- Splitting the check.
Okay.
Splitting the check.
On a first date?
- On
a first date, he asked.
- He asked?
In the beginning of the date?
- Middle of the date.
- Towards the middle?
Oh, you were boring.
In the middle.
Can I get you anything?
Yeah, two checks.
Two checks would be great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So where'd you say you were from?
How recently was this?
- Shoot.
Five months ago.
- Five months ago.
Okay, and you're still upset.
Hold on.
Where did you go to eat?
- The Gin, in Temple.
- What is it?
- The Gin in Temple.
- The Gin in Temple. What is that?
- Garbage!
- Garbage!
- Rude.
What kinda restaurant is that?
- I mean, they have catfish,
steak, like whatever.
- You had catfish and steak?
- It's like a roadhouse.
- It's like a roadhouse.
An expensive roadhouse.
Okay.
Well, yeah, I mean maybe...
Did you like him?
Until that moment, did you like him?
- No.
- I'm curious. I'm curious.
Until he asked to split the check,
were you like, "This is going good"?
- Yes, yes.
- You were?
Uck.
Oh my god.
Let me ask, did you sleep with him?
- Yes.
- Wow!
Oh my god.
He split you and the check in one night.
Oh my god.
Did he leave a big tip?
- He was sweating when we did it,
and that was the last time.
- That was an unnecessary detail.
What'd you say?
- I said he was sweaty when we did it,
and that was the last time.
- He was sweaty after.
Yeah, my man was putting in work.
That's good,
I would think.
Well...
I'm sorry you got half of a meal.
All right, well, one for one.
What's another fun one?
Do you have a fun one?
What is it?
- He says he's taking hormone therapy,
but now he's huge and does steroids.
- Ooh.
This is gonna get cancelable.
Let's do it!
When he says he's on hormone therapy,
but he's just fucking jacked?
So hormone therapy, what's
that supposed to do?
Balance it out, basically?
- Yeah, something like that.
- So what?
He says he has too much
like natural testosterone?
- No, he doesn't have enough.
- He doesn't have enough?
Okay, how long have you
been seeing this man?
- Oh, 30, 25 years.
- 25 years?
What? Where'd you meet him?
You met him when you guys were kids.
So he tells you he's
going on hormone therapy
to get more testosterone.
But you think he's on steroids?
- Oh, I know so.
- You know so?
Did you find them?
- Yes.
- Could you get me some?
I'm trying to get in gay shape, dog.
Let's go.
I'm taking all the shortcuts.
You did find some?
Was it a needle or a pill?
- I think he is in gay shape.
- She said she thinks he is in gay shape.
The plot thickens.
Oh my god.
This is the bigger red flag now.
He has his workout buddies?
Do you have a picture of him?
I wanna see what his
gaydar says about, oh fuck!
Goddamn it!
The phones are locked up.
Goddamn.
Your phone is in a hormone blocker.
Goddamn it.
Okay, after the show, I want to see this.
Yeah, that's a valid red flag.
You don't want somebody
who's lying about an
obvious appearance thing.
Like, if you're clearly on steroids,
just own up to this shit.
It's fine.
It's fine to do it.
If that's the body you want
and the life you wanna live,
you can fucking do that.
It's fine.
As long as you can still
get your dick up, you fine.
He can't?
Then it's not okay.
Stop what you're doing immediately.
Stop seeing him.
Okay.
- Let's unlock her phone.
- Can we unlock your phone?
- We're gonna do it right now.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Stay up front, Matt.
- Okay, okay.
Bro, what if it's just a picture of me?
Eric's like, "Unlock the phone,"
and I'm like, "Nah, we
don't gotta do all that.
"We don't gotta...
"Let's just take her word for it."
Oh my god, that's it?
That's what you unlock 'em with?
That fucking flying saucer?
Can I?
May I see your phone?
There we go.
Pass it over.
Oh, this is great.
This better be worth it.
There we go.
Pass that back to her.
There we go.
I just gotta see a picture of this guy,
and then I wanna see what you think.
I wanna test this gaydar.
Let's go.
Goddamn!
Bro, he has the traps
that my grandpa's pocket
pussy wishes it had.
Oh my god.
Why is his neck so big?
Oh my god, this motherfucker
looks so unsure.
Okay, resident gay.
What are we thinking?
What are we thinking?
- Smash or pass?
- What is it?
- The pose.
- The pose? He's gay?
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Any excuse to drink?
Go ahead.
No, this is good.
Whenever we out a gay,
an angel gets his wings.
This is good. This is good.
Everybody knows that.
You know what's fucked up?
I've posed like that
before, so I was like...
"That's fine."
Okay.
Two for two.
Good. See?
All right, that was good.
We're gonna do one more for an even three.
I don't know if you could top that.
But what's a more fun one?
College baseball?
Oh man, you've been
fingered in a dorm for sure.
Okay, good.
Okay.
All righty.
Let's dive into this.
All right, all right,
so who went pro and
didn't take you with him?
Who was it?
All right, what is it
that you don't like about
college baseball players?
- Oh my gosh.
The ego.
It's the ego.
- The ego of playing a
collegiate sport at a high level?
He can't be proud about that?
- And thinkin' that he's the best one.
- The seventh pitcher on the team?
I love how you're clowning him for that,
but low-key, you fucked the
seventh pitcher on the team.
Yo, your pussy is the bullpen.
Do you know that?
Strike one.
So it's just an ego thing?
That's the only thing
you don't like about it?
'Cause he could just be
proud to be playing a sport,
'cause I love playing high school sports.
I didn't get to play at a college level,
but I would've been very excited to.
- He's not just playing sports,
he's playing everyone in my friend group.
- Oh.
- I never fucked him either.
I never fucked him.
- You never fucked him?
Damn, you couldn't even
fuck the seventh pitcher
on the baseball team?
Damn.
Strike two.
Oh my god.
Where did you go to school?
- I didn't go to school.
- You didn't go to school?
You didn't go to college?
Strike three, bitch.
You're outta here!
Oh my god.
That could not have went better.
That could not have went better.
Oh my god.
Have you tried little league?
- C'mon!
- For the love of the game.
Come on, guys.
Okay.
Well, that was fun.
It's a fun portion.
No more crowd work.
Nobody yell out.
Nobody else yell out anything.
That chapter's done.
That's fun. That's fun.
I like doing that portion of the show
'cause it's like
obviously I come out here,
I list all these red flags
and their standards that
I've set for myself.
But it's nice to know
where other people draw
the line, you know?
What are some other people's red flags?
Is it something that could apply to me?
You know, there's a lot of self-reflecting
that I think people need to do more often.
Use that time.
When you're single, if
you're single, use that time.
Do some self-reflection.
Think about the kinda shit you like.
I went through a horrible breakup
at the beginning of this last year,
and I thought it was such a low moment.
I was like, "This is
such a low in my life.
"Nothing positive was
gonna come out of this."
But I did some thinking,
and it made me realize
so much about myself.
Made me think about the
standards I wanted to set.
But it also made me think
about how much I fucking hate
being single.
This shit is so trash.
It's so trash.
People overhype the fuck outta
being single, don't they?
Especially the freedom aspect of it.
As soon as you're single again,
all your friends are like,
"Oh.
"You can go sleep with whoever you want."
No, you can't.
No, you can't.
You couldn't before.
Why could you now all of a sudden?
Also that's not even
like an appealing factor
of being single to me.
I don't like sleeping
with a bunch of different people anyways
'cause I don't like-
Yeah, it's not fun.
That's not fun, man.
I don't like inconsistent feedback.
Bro, my ego can't handle it, dog.
I'm too fickle, okay?
I need to know where I stand
sexually at all times, okay?
That's the best part of
any long-term relationship.
If you've been together long enough,
you probably have pretty
good sexual chemistry.
It's why you stuck around.
You like what they like,
they like what you like.
Meshes pretty well.
The relationship that I
ended earlier this year,
that was the best part about it.
We stayed together months
after we should have
just 'cause we had that sexual chemistry.
It's a hard spark to walk away from.
It's fun.
It makes you feel good about yourself.
You know, I was getting
my ego stroked daily.
Like, how the fuck you
walk away from that?
It's so much fun.
I knew with this girl there
was like a certain position
I could put her in,
and if I hit her with like
the right move, just bow,
then like she couldn't handle that.
Like, it was too much dick for her.
She was like, "Oh, my stomach."
And I'm like, "Shut up.
"Whatever.
"It is not in your stomach
with your shallow guts.
"Whatever."
I should call her.
Fuck, man.
Don't. Don't call the ex.
Don't do it.
Don't fall for it.
The sexual chemistry will make you ignore
all the other red flags,
the shit you should be
paying attention to.
Like, my ex and I, we had
great sexual chemistry,
but our communication
was fucking terrible.
We could never talk anything out.
There was ever a point that I
needed to get across to her,
I would just have to like
finger her in morse code
or something.
Then the next day my boys were
like, "How'd the talk go?"
I'm like, "It was terrible.
"This bitch just sat back
"and rolled her eyes at me the whole time.
"Luckily I can read lips."
Hate it.
But, you know, single again.
Back to the streets.
Now I just gotta
have sex with all these women.
I don't wanna do it.
I'd rather be in a
relationship personally,
but somebody had fucking other plans.
And I want y'all to think
about that the next time you're
about to chastise a dude
for being a fuck boy.
Like, "Oh, oh, you just a fuck boy.
"You out here sleeping
with all these girls.
"You don't even want to
be in a relationship.
"You're just a fuck boy."
Maybe he's not a fuck boy.
Maybe
he's sad.
Maybe behind every fuck boy is a man
who once loved too much.
Or maybe that's exactly
what a fuck boy would say.
TBD.
But while I'm single,
I'm trying to use this
time to be self-reflective,
work on myself,
think about what are some
of the red flags I bring
to the table?
Is there something I could be working on?
And a major one, a major red flag for me
that's been brought to my attention
that I didn't realize was
as big of a deal as it is,
and it's, you know, in relation
to the climate we live in today.
And that red flag is that
apparently I'm not very
PC.
I'm not very politically correct.
Sorry, I don't know
if that term made it down here yet or not.
Y'all don't seem to give a fuck.
And when I say that, I just mean like,
I'm not one of those people
who tries so fucking hard
to like prove how woke,
what a good person I am,
'cause that shit comes
across as so disingenuine
and corny to me.
Like, you're clearly pandering so hard.
You can be a good person
without it being your
entire fucking personality.
You know what I mean?
It's so exhausting, man.
As long as you know your
heart's in the right place,
you're doing the best that you can.
You don't need to prove yourself
on Twitter every fucking day.
And obviously I'm
referencing the extremes.
These like woke internet warriors
or whatever you wanna call 'em,
these fucking losers who
spend their whole life trying
to cancel people on the internet.
That shit pisses me off so much
because they're ruining a good agenda.
Cancel culture is not
necessarily a bad thing.
I get what they're trying to
do is eradicate negativity
in the world and get rid
of some bad toxic shit,
and we do need that.
But a lot of that gets lost in translation
when they carry it out
because they themselves
are such bitches, dog.
Oh my god, bro.
And that drives me insane
because I'm on their side.
I hate the same shit they hate.
Off the top of my mind, I can think of
homophobia.
Homophobia is a massive pet peeve of mine
because it doesn't fucking affect you.
Who somebody else loves
has nothing to do with you.
And it is always the ugliest fucking dude
who's the most homophobic, isn't it?
The most toothless motherfucker
from Corpus Christi.
To be on some, "I'm not
with that gay shit."
They're not with you either, bro.
Have you met a gay guy?
They're handsome.
They're in good shape.
They can fuck your girl so fast, okay?
Be thankful they took a
competitor off the board.
I hate it so much, man.
They're such a pain in the ass.
And as you can imagine,
you all have the internet,
it makes our job incredibly difficult.
Nobody's allowed to joke
about anything anymore.
Everyone wants to complain
about every joke ever told.
And that's so frustrating
because I mean, you guys have
been here the whole show,
you know I have a pretty
fucked up sense of humor.
Like, I love dark shit.
Like, the darker the better to me.
I love that so much.
Keep that same energy.
Like, I love fucked up stuff.
But again, I'm okay making those jokes
because I know my heart's
in the right place.
And even though I acknowledge
that that sense of humor
isn't for everybody,
I'm okay with that
because I don't need to impress everybody.
The same way you wouldn't
try to be friends
with everybody, right?
You'll find your people
as your life progresses.
So it's like, yeah, I might get in trouble
or yeah, some people might not
like the jokes that I tell,
but I'm gonna tell the
jokes that I wanna tell,
and hopefully my audience
will gravitate towards that,
and we can all get along and
have a fucking cool friendship,
you know?
It gets tricky sometimes.
I'll do jokes that a lot of
people wouldn't wanna tell
or don't wanna listen to sometimes.
Like, you know, sometimes I'll do jokes
about like trans people
'cause it's funny.
Sometimes.
Not in a disrespectful way.
It's never a disrespect.
I'm just making light of a situation,
so we can all laugh rather
than be touchy and upset.
That's all it is.
And this is what's so funny.
The energy in the room is
exactly what I'm talking about.
Subject matter is what triggers people.
I haven't even said the joke yet.
All I said was trans people,
and everybody in here got a tight asshole.
Everybody.
Not you guys.
But everybody else.
Everybody else tightened the fuck up.
This special is presented by poppers.
If you don't know what poppers are,
get you some gay friends,
change your life,
change your life.
But that's what I'm talking about.
All I did was say a trigger word,
and people are automatically
already uncomfortable.
You guys are worried about being canceled,
just being in the room.
Like, it's so funny to me.
'Cause the jokes that I tell,
they're never disrespectful.
They're always with the utmost respect.
I never wanna hurt anybody's feeling.
They're just some jokes,
just to say some goofy shit
and make the world laugh.
That's all.
And people will still come up to me
after the show saying the
same angry rant every time,
just fucking, "You cannot
make jokes about trans people
"because what they're going
through is so incomparable
"and you can't imagine
how hard their life is
"and the shit that they
have to go through.
"Therefore, you can make
jokes about trans people."
And I hear you.
I hear you loud and clear.
But...
The point that you're trying
to make is you're saying,
I can't make jokes about somebody
because of how hard their life is.
And you are making very valid points
in that I don't know
how hard that life is.
I imagine it is tremendously
harder than my life.
I can't imagine how hard
that is to go through,
and I wish you the best of luck.
But...
At the same time, to retort that argument,
you also don't have
the hardest life.
You know who has life way
harder than trans people
that we never talk about?
People in wheelchairs.
Think about it.
Comparatively, people in wheelchairs
have a much harder life.
Do they complain about it?
No.
We gave 'em a couple of
ramps and kept it pushing.
Look, some people are gonna think
this is an insensitive comparison.
I think it's a step in the
right direction personally.
I think if we want to head
towards trans equality,
we fucking start with
better parking, you know?
It's the least we could do,
it's the least we could do.
I don't know where we'd put 'em.
We can't assign them anything.
God.
Just joking, just joking.
Relax.
Hey, look, if you let it be,
this can be the most fun
part of the show, okay?
If you just have fun
for the next 15 minutes,
we're all gonna laugh at some things
that we don't think we're
allowed to laugh at.
Oh, oh, is it like a naughty thing
if I laugh at a joke at a comedy show?
Have fun, okay?
Do not get sensitive now.
Don't fucking sit there
and feel like you need to
defend the wheelchair community.
They can fucking stand
up for themselves, okay?
Goddamn it, you guys.
Stop being hesitant, okay?
Knock it off.
People in wheelchairs come
to comedy shows all the time.
It is incredibly common.
And you know what?
They are some of the best audience members
you could ever ask for.
They come, they laugh their asses off.
And I'll tell you the reason
I believe that to be true.
And it's because I think
they've gotten themself
to this point of understanding
and this positive mindset
that no matter the hand
you've been dealt in life,
no matter how hard
things might be for you,
if you can learn to find the light
in whatever dark situation
you're going through
and you can learn to laugh at the things
that should make you miserable,
including yourself sometimes,
that's how you fucking win life.
And you are going to be a
significantly happier person.
If you can learn to laugh
in the face of adversity.
I know this seems harsh,
but I have little to
no respect for anybody
who wakes up every day and
makes the decision to live
with a victim's negative mentality of,
"Oh, everything's awful.
"Everyone's out to hurt my feelings."
Only because that's not fair to you.
That's not fair to yourself.
Your life is so short and so precious,
you deserve to have the best
fucking time you possibly can
and laugh your way through life
and be as happy as you can
no matter your circumstance
and no matter what anybody
fucking says about you.
You deserve that.
Have some fun.
We're only here for a second.
Have some fun, man.
And that's why I chose
the comparison that I did.
A lot of people think it's
an insensitive comparison
in the beginning,
comparing those two groups,
but it's because the positive message
that I'm trying to put out there,
and I want people to remember,
is that no matter what
you're going through,
I would never negate that.
But I want you to remember, if
you think your life is hard,
somebody has it worse.
Try to remember that.
Be grateful, be happy, and
enjoy your time no matter what.
And that's what I love about this example
is because if you think
about the life of somebody
in a wheelchair, that's fucking hard.
That's a daily obstacle to overcome
to do anything every day.
And the fact that they can
laugh their way through that,
we should all be able to.
That's why I have so much respect
for the wheelchair community
is because regardless of
what they're going through,
people in wheelchairs are never annoying
about their situation.
Until they're getting on the bus.
I don't know how many
of y'all have been stuck
behind a city bus letting
somebody in a wheelchair on,
but it is fucking excruciating.
You're behind 'em trying
to make that right turn,
and they're fucking
Put this motherfucker on
the bike rack and let's go!
That is the only time I
have ever lost my patience
on a handicapped person
is when they're fucking up traffic, okay?
Other than that,
they're angels.
Look, if you're still
upset about the comparison,
feel free to think about
it and tell me I'm wrong.
Let's say you did.
Let's say you took somebody with no legs
and a trans person,
and you put 'em in the same room,
the same handicap accessible room.
See who you think has the harder life.
I feel like I'm trapped inside
of another person's body.
So you have four legs?
You're not listening.
It's not about that.
It's sometimes my mental
health will take such a toll
that I could just, I could
just jump off of my balcony.
Jump?
What's that?
You're not hearing.
People will call me the wrong pronouns.
Someone called me Chariot
Tubman the other day.
You think a pronoun's the
worst thing you can be called?
Come on.
- What
about a trans person
in a wheelchair?
Oh, you mean trans-portation?
Don't test me, dog!
Oh shit.
Look, this is a hard joke to pull off.
It's like a prosthetic leg.
Like, you just gotta...
No, no, it is, it is, obviously.
You take two marginalized groups of people
who are going through a tough time
and you think you can't
make jokes about that.
But you can.
The joke works if my
point is inarguable, and
I think it is.
I think those examples speak for themself.
I guess I just can't wait for the day
that I'm doing this joke at a show
and there's a trans person in the audience
who gets so offended they walk out,
and I'm just like,
"Show off."
Some of y'all are still on
edge, and it's very annoying.
Okay, I'm gonna give it one last try.
I'm gonna give it one last try
to get y'all all on my side.
This is my last attempt to
get through to y'all, okay?
I was working on this joke
when it was like brand new
about like eight weeks ago, right?
I was in Arizona, and it's a new joke.
I'm trying to figure it out.
Obviously it's a little
tricky to navigate.
Obviously it teeters a
very fine line of offensive
and funny,
which is where you want
your jokes, you know?
Have some fun, push the
boundaries, you know?
So I'm working on it.
I'm trying to make it the best it can be.
And I can see out of the corner of my eye,
front row, left side of
the stage is a young woman
in a wheelchair,
and I'm in the middle of like the trans
versus wheelchair material.
And I can see outta my peripheral vision,
she's laughing her ass off.
I'm serious.
This girl is, she's slapping her knee.
She can't feel it, but
she's slapping her knee.
Like, this bitch is rolling.
You know what I mean?
She's fucking, ah.
You know how they'd be laughing?
Ah.
Handicap people laugh like
they're getting good head,
just, ah, ah.
She's so obviously having
a great time, right?
So when the joke was over,
it dawned on me that I had
a very unique opportunity
to get an inside perspective
on this material.
And in order for a joke like this to work,
it has to be funnier than it is offensive.
And again, I want it to be.
I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings.
It's just jokes, man.
It's as simple as that to me.
But I'm always open to conversation.
So when the joke was over, I asked her.
I was like, "Out of
curiosity was anything I said
"in that joke offensive?"
And still laughing, this
woman says, "No, no, no, no.
"It was so fucking funny.
"And I want to thank
you for including me."
I had never...
I had never realized
that so many people were so uncomfortable
around handicapped people
that a lot of the times
they won't even laugh
about some of the same things
they want to laugh about
and things that they think are hilarious.
So getting that confirmation
is what gave me all the
confidence I needed to know
that these jokes are okay to tell
and we are allowed to
laugh at them, you know?
Her and I were on the
same page the whole time.
We both know that's what
you do to vegetables,
you roast 'em!
Ah!
Bro, if you didn't laugh at that shit,
I would never be your friend.
Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you.
Bro, then I fucked her.
That's the crazy thing.
It was after the show.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm not saying it was me,
but she wasn't walking the
next day, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
I was like, "Can you
feel it in your stomach?"
She was like, "I can't feel anything."
I was like, "Yeah."
My name is Matt Rife.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Take your shirt off!
- Listen, listen.
For one second.
First and foremost, thank you all so much.
This means the absolute world to me.
And I know...
I know we laughed a lot in the past hour,
but if you wouldn't mind,
there is something important
I would actually like
to share with you guys.
And it's something I wanted
to address about this special,
it's very important to me
is the name of the special
being "Matthew Steven Rife."
It's my full name.
If you guys buy the DVD,
you can get my social security number too.
But it's my full name.
Obviously Matthew and Rife
being my first and last name
and my middle name being Steven.
And I'm named after my grandpa.
The same pocket pussy grandpa.
And just to clarify, yes,
that story is 1,000% true.
Zero embellishment.
He's a fucking monster.
But the reason we've decided to,
this special was gonna be named
something totally different.
And I wanted to dedicate
this special to my grandpa
because just under two
weeks ago, he passed away.
And the whole show,
I mean, this whole special
taping almost didn't happen.
I mean, he was my absolute...
My best friend, and I love
him and miss him so much.
And he wasn't able to come
to my first special taping last year.
So for this one, I was like scrambling.
I was like, "Do I even
want to do this one?
"It doesn't feel right to
do a show without him."
So, I mean, we scrambled together.
We changed some of the set for it.
Like, this right here is his hat
that he wore like every single day.
There's even a photo.
There's a black and white
photo of like he and I
when I was a baby.
Clearly we were on the set
of one of his '70s pornos.
And I miss him a lot.
And like I said, he wasn't able to come
to my first special taping last year
because it was kind of the
height of COVID and everything.
He also hadn't been on a
plane in like 30 years.
So for this one, a couple months ago,
like four or five months ago
when we decided we were
gonna do this special,
I really, really wanted
to fly him out here.
And he was very excited to,
'cause I wanted to kind of immortalize
and in front of everybody
that was here tell him
just how much he meant
to me and just thank you
for every single thing that he did for me.
I mean
You guys really don't understand.
I spent every weekend
with him when I was a kid.
Like, he's the one that showed
me like, all these funny,
we would sit around and watch
like Adam Sandler movies
and stuff like that.
You know, very inappropriate
movies for a child to watch.
And he was very funny.
Like, he's definitely the
reason I have a sense of humor.
And when I was starting out
doing standup when I was 15,
how open mics work a lot of the times,
I started out at the local
comedy club in Columbus, Ohio
called The Funny Bone.
And they would have these open mics,
and how those work a lot of the times
is they're called bringer shows.
So you'd have to bring five people
in order for you to get stage time.
And I was 15, all my friends
were in middle school.
So obviously I couldn't have anybody come.
So my grandpa would buy five tickets
so that I could get stage time
and do like this silly thing
because he thought I was so funny.
I really wish he was here to
see all of you people here
and just to let you guys know if...
If I have ever made any of you laugh ever,
it's because of him.
That's why like when we were
going over the stage decoration
for how we were gonna do this stage,
like I wanted it kind of plain and rugged.
But then obviously I wanted
him here at the show so bad,
which is why we decided to
leave a seat open for him
on the stage, hoping he
would want to watch the show.
And as heartbreaking as it
is that he couldn't come
and be at the show
himself, fortunately enough
Ashley could.
So in the name of Steve,
this one's for you, Papaw.
Thank you so much!
- Fuckers online telling
me always on the internet,
"Matt Rife ain't about this.
"Matt ain't about that.
"Matt just a pretty boy.
"He don't got jokes.
"He not even funny to me."
Shut the fuck up!
Y'all niggas ain't know shit!
All y'all motherfuckers talk about is,
"Matt Rife don't sell tickets.
"Matt a fuck boy.
"Matt ain't funny."
Shut the fuck up!
Y'all niggas don't be with that nigga!
Y'all don't see the work he put in,
blowing up on TikTok and shit.
Nigga been doing standup since
fucking I don't know when!
Motherfuckers need to stop
playing with him like that.
That nigga is savage out here.
If I catch another
motherfucker talking sweet
about Matt Rife, I'm
fucking beating they ass!
I'm not fucking playing no more.
You know that nigga's Steve's grandson.
- Oh my god.
Austin, what the fuck is up?
How is everybody? Good?
Let's go.
Oh my god.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
This is so cool.
It means the absolute world.
Thank you, guys.
Just checking y'all out.
This is fun. This is good.
Gay?
One for one, baby.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Oh!
It's the energy I was looking for.
Thank goodness, man.
Oh my god, thank you so
much for coming out twice.
I appreciate that.
It's very brave. Very brave.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I wish my entire crowd
was gay men, to be honest.
Dude, it's just an energy
you want to be around.
You know what I mean?
Dude, I've never met a
gay dude in a bad mood.
Not once.
Dude, I have been so
jealous of gay men lately.
You have no idea.
That's what I'm talking about, man.
I've been so jealous, man.
Oh god, it just looks like a
good time going on over there.
I wish I was gay for the
fitness and the fashion alone.
Are you kidding me?
Oh my god, I'm straight, but
I'd love to be in gay shape.
You know what I mean?
You ever meet a gay dude?
They're in great shape
every fucking time, man.
It's so impressive.
Gay dudes stay in the gym.
That's the guy's name, Jim.
They just stay in there.
They just turning it out,
burning the calories, dog.
It's dedication.
You better respect it.
That's next level fitness, bro.
That's that level of in shape
that like you could fight
off another grown man
if you wanted to, you know?
That's up to you.
You put in the work top or bottom.
That's you, dog. That's your prerogative.
God, and if they're not fucking...
If they're not fucking shredded,
they fucking dress impeccably.
You guys look fantastic.
Oh my god, I don't know
if you guys know this,
but gay men have a stranglehold
on the fashion game.
They are killing shit.
Bro, nobody in this world
dresses better than gay men.
You better respect it.
It's pretty impressive.
I mean, you spend enough
time in the closet,
you bound to find something, you know?
Boots.
Love it.
Oh man.
Exhausted, man.
We've been traveling a lot this year.
It's been very exciting.
It's one of the most
fun parts about the job.
Obviously it's a little taxing as well.
I got a chance to go home recently.
I'm originally from Ohio.
I don't know if anybody's
ever made that mistake.
I never go home.
I left 10 years ago
right after high school.
And that's about it, man.
I go home maybe once or twice a year.
I'll go home for Christmas
or something like that.
You know, I'll go home for the holidays.
I don't mind that as much,
'cause whenever I go home for Christmas,
I stay with my grandpa, and
I love my grandpa to death.
He's probably the closest
person to me in my family.
And I love staying with him
'cause whenever I'm not there,
he lives by himself.
And my grandpa's lived
alone for like 15 years.
Been single 15 years.
Hasn't been on a date in 15 years.
Yeah, as you can imagine.
Carpal tunnel's on its way.
And because he's lived alone for so long,
he's kind of become this like
crotchety, grumpy old man.
He doesn't like anything or anybody.
He just complains all day long.
You all know an old person like this.
He's always the hardest person to shop for
for Christmas every year.
So two years ago, it's
mid-December, right?
I'm at my place in LA, I'm
getting ready to go home,
you know, finishing up
all my online shopping.
And it gets down to him every year.
I'm sitting there just racking my brain.
I'm like, "What the fuck
do I get this dude?"
He doesn't like anything.
He doesn't like anybody.
He doesn't have anybody.
So I bought him a pocket pussy.
Normally I would be like,
"Does anybody not know
what a pocket pussy is?"
But this is 6th Street.
Y'all be fucking banana peels
or whatever y'all can find out here.
Y'all in no position to
judge my family, okay?
Bro, I just wish y'all
could have been there
to see him open it on Christmas morning,
'cause we all thought
he was gonna be like,
"What the fuck is this shit?"
But he was like, "Thank you."
"This is exactly what I needed."
I was like, "It's a fleshlight,
not a purple heart, dog.
"Relax, okay?
"Stop feeling so honored."
He loved it, man, so obviously
Christmas is a good time.
And then we fast forward a little bit.
Now we fast forward to
that following February,
and I hadn't spoken to my
grandpa since Christmas,
so I call him up.
"Hey, Steve.
"Steven, what's up, man?
"How you doing?
"I love you.
"I miss you.
"You know, Christmas was fun.
"It's always good to spend the
holidays with you, you know."
"How was it?"
And there was just a silence
on his end of the phone.
I was like, "Are you using it right now?
"Like, fucking answer me, dog.
"Like, what's the review?
"You know, I'm interested."
He goes, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
He gets all defensive,
and I'll never forget these
words for as long as I live.
He goes, "No, no, no, no, no.
"I...
"I broke her neck."
There is so much to unpack
in that one sentence.
First of all, her?
You gave it a pronoun.
Now it's real.
Second, neck?
That's not even what it is.
And third, you broke it?
Dog, how hard are you going?
Fucking 15 years, you forget
how to be a gentleman?
So we laugh about it on the
phone for a couple of hours.
And now we fast forward to
the following Christmas.
This is last Christmas.
Again, same time of year going
home, finishing up shopping,
gets down to him.
So now I'm really struggling.
I'm like, "What the fuck
do I get him this year?"
Like, how do I possibly top
what I did last year, you know?
Clearly he enjoyed it.
And now my man hasn't had
pussy since at least February.
So I doubled down.
Got him another one.
I got him two pocket pussies
two Christmases in a row.
I'm grandson of the decade, easily.
Well, you know, obviously I
was a little bit more aware
of what it was gonna be put
through this time around.
I had to find him one more durable, right?
You know, something with a stronger neck.
Now I'm out here trying to
find a pocket with traps.
Trying to find my Papaw a
trap queen for Christmas.
And I fucking,
I couldn't find exactly
what I was looking for.
I was so mad.
And then I think I found
the next best thing.
I found this other pocket pussy
that I've never seen anything
like it, it was remarkable.
It came with, it was like so souped up.
It came with all these like
attachments and pieces.
It was like a Swiss army pussy.
It had a compass and a can opener.
And it doubles as a canteen
if you're lost in the woods, I guess.
But by far the best attachment
this thing came with
was that like if you, if you...
Let's say you fuck this side of it, right?
Like, this is the entrance.
This side of it is a suction cup.
The idea being, you can fucking...
Put it to walls and shit if
you need to, I don't know,
switch positions, work your legs,
you know, whatever it is you
feel like you needed added
to your repertoire, you know?
And I got it for him thinking
like, oh, this is so creative.
You know what I mean?
Now my man's got free roam in the house.
You know, he's not bed bound,
beating his dick like a pilgrim.
He's got options.
You know what I mean?
So I was excited for him,
but now I'm fucking terrified
to go home this Christmas.
And there's just gonna be
chunks of drywall missing
all around the house waist level.
Doing a bit of remodeling, are we?
His house looks like a mid demo project.
Like, goddamn, Papaw,
you literally fucked from
the window to the wall.
Got your dick sucked down the hall.
Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve,
Steve, Steve, Steve.
He's disgusting.
But he is funny, man.
He's very funny.
I called him about a month ago,
and I told him I was gonna start
telling this story on stage
'cause it's 100% true
and I think the world should know that.
And he's got such a good
sense of humor, man.
He was joking with me back.
He was like, "You keep
telling people that story,
"I'm gonna leave it to you in my will."
Which I think would be fucking hilarious.
I told him, I was like,
"Yo, you should do that,
"'cause I'll fucking,
I'll put your ashes in it,
"name it Ashley, and then I'll fuck it."
Just kind of keep it in the
family, you know what I mean?
Just from generation to generation,
just so he can meet his
great grandkids, you know?
Guys, it's called cream-ation.
Grow up.
Grow up.
- You nasty!
- It's not your grandpa.
Yeah, my grandpa's funny, man.
You guys would like him.
You can judge him if you want to.
At least he got somebody.
It's hard to find your person, isn't it?
Dating's hard.
It's a very cliche topic.
Every comedian talks
about how hard dating is,
but it's a relatable subject.
Something everybody
goes through, you know?
It definitely gets harder
depending on where you live too.
Like I said, I live in LA now.
It's the fucking worst, bro.
There's no good people.
Bunch of fucking heathens running around.
Nobody's going to heaven.
Not one person.
City of Angels. No angels.
It's depressing, man.
It's so depressing getting
let down every time.
Like, I just expect it at this point.
Every first date I go on,
as soon as I sit down,
I'm like, "All right, bitch, what is it?
"Ask me.
"Ask me what my sign is, I dare you.
"I'll split this check so
fucking fast, I swear to God.
"Oh, you're a Pisces?
"Awesome.
"Yeah, charge it to her crystals.
"They were in the moon
all night last night.
"So clearly they're juiced up."
I'm so fucking tired of
hearing about astrology,
I swear to God.
It's all y'all care about.
I've stopped sending dick pics
and just started sending my
star chart, to be honest.
It's getting me so much further.
So much further.
I hate it so much, man.
I have so many red flags now, bro.
And no patience.
That's the main thing.
It's like, I've been
let down so many times
that like, now, if I see something
that triggers a red flag in me, I'm gone.
I'm not gonna wait around
to be inevitably let down.
You know what I mean?
It's a waste of time.
And I've got so many red
flags that there's some
that I want to get off my chest.
And I think maybe we'll
find some common ground,
and maybe you'll think I'm crazy,
but I think it's worth finding out.
And we'll start slow.
We're easing our way into it.
We're gonna start with
red flag number one.
And just a disclaimer,
this one is not gonna be the funniest one,
but I do think it's gonna resonate
with the most amount of people here.
Red flag number one is when she-
That bitch.
That bitch is red flag number one.
That is red flag number one.
Girls who don't drink enough water.
That's what it is.
Red flag number one is when
she has another guy in her life
who is consistently
trying to sleep with her
and she refuses to acknowledge this.
This is good.
This is gonna cause a lot of
fights in the car ride home.
This is my favorite one.
You clapping hard as fuck.
You had an argument recently.
- I'm good!
- Like I said, this
isn't the funniest one,
but you better believe every dude in here
in a relationship right now
knows the guy in his girl's life
that he's like, "Fuck that dude.
"I'll kill him tomorrow."
It's so obvious to us, right?
As the boyfriend, this
shit is clear as day,
we can spot it from a mile away.
Usually the beginning of the
relationship, we'll clock it,
we'll pull you aside.
"Hey babe, I know you
hang out with so-and-so,
"and that's fine.
"You're a grown woman.
"You can do whatever you want.
"I'm not controlling or anything,
"but just so you know, that
dude's trying to fuck you."
And women will always have
the exact same naive reaction.
"Babe, come on.
"Are you serious?
"Him?
"You're worried about him?
"He's literally like my best friend.
"Like, he's literally
like a brother to me."
Word?
Oh, that's your brother?
Oh, I didn't realize
what kind of PornHub family
tree you were associated with,
but shut it down, okay?
He's not your friend,
he's not your brother.
He wants to enter your body holes.
End of story, okay?
Ladies, you have to understand,
the reason we are so passionate
about bringing this to your attention
is not because we think you're stupid.
It's not because we don't trust you.
It's that you're being taken advantage of.
You're hanging out with somebody
who's lying about their intention
so they can weasel their
way into your life.
And that's not a real friend.
That's some shady shit to do.
So we're just trying
to point out something
that's happening under your nose,
so hopefully you can be aware
of it and put a stop to it.
I promise you, we are coming
at it with good intentions,
and you still wanna get mad at us
and act like we're the crazy
ones making this shit up.
"Oh, that is so ridiculous.
"Why would a guy go
through all that trouble
"and pretend to be my friend
just to sleep with me?"
I don't know.
But I've done it so many times.
I've done it so many times.
How do you think I got you, stupid?
Come on.
Oh my god.
Nobody has been a better friend than me.
Are you kidding me?
That's why dudes can spot the shit
'cause fucking game recognize game.
You know what I mean?
He'll do some shady shit,
and we're like fucking,
"Good move.
"That's some shit I
would've done, you know?"
"Fuck you, but respect."
He is not your friend, ladies.
And if you really do treat
him like your best friend,
oh, that's so much worse.
'Cause if you treat him
like your best friend,
that means you have gone to
him with all of your secrets,
all of your problems.
He knows everything you like,
everything you don't like.
You've probably complained to him
about everything your
boyfriend does wrong.
So now this motherfucker has
all the infinity stones...
To become the perfect guy for you.
So when you and your
boyfriend finally break up,
who do you go running to?
Me.
And I've been waiting
for this moment, boy.
Weeks, months, maybe years.
I've been waiting for this
exact opportunity, bro.
I've been putting in work too.
I've been sending you
memes in the morning.
I've been texting you,
"How's your day going?"
I don't give a fuck about your day.
Are you stupid?
It's my day.
I care about my day.
Come on, man.
It's about patience.
All I've had to do is play it cool
and stay in the game long enough
and wait for the day that
you come banging on my door,
crying your eyes out.
And I just have to play stupid.
Like...
"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Hey, hey, hey.
"Why are you crying?"
"He said he doesn't trust me?
"That's crazy.
"Y'all broke up?
"Oh my god, I am so sorry.
"Some dudes are so insecure.
"Oh my god."
He's not your fucking friend!
Stop falling for his shit, ladies.
I'm trying to tell you.
- Preach!
Preach!
Oh my god!
- Shut up.
Now I understand this is
the part of the red flag
that I'm sure a lot of
the women in the audience
are thinking, "Well, Matt,
what about the reverse?
"How about when a guy has a girl friend?
"What about that?"
And I hear you.
Look, ladies, you can be,
look, a guy can have a
girl that is just a friend.
No, listen, listen, listen, listen.
Listen.
I'll wait.
You as a girl can be
just a friend to a guy,
but it means
ya ugly.
I'm sorry.
I know you don't wanna hear it,
but you just a homie with a ponytail.
I don't know what else to tell you, man.
Men and women can be just friends,
but one of y'all fucking busted, okay?
Somebody ugly, or maybe both.
Maybe both of you are ugly,
in which case y'all
should be fucking anyways!
That's why it's called bumping uglies.
Like I said, that's not the funniest one,
but you got some thinking to do.
Oh man.
Red flag number two.
Red flag number two.
She cannot have any
distinct physical features.
I'll explain.
Nobody feel targeted.
And before you get mad at me,
I'm not even the shallow one
in this red flag, by the way.
It's my fucking friends
because all of my friends are Black,
and they will roast you
within an inch of your life
if you have anything
prominent about your face
that stands out at all.
They have cost me so many
potential relationships.
I was seeing this girl last summer.
I thought maybe she was the one, man.
She was fucking beautiful.
She was smart, funny,
didn't know her dad.
She was new to town.
She was new to town.
She just moved to LA from
Austin a couple months
before I met her.
Like, very sweet, innocent girl, right?
We were hanging out for a while.
We went on a handful of dates.
And everything was going great
until like just a couple of dates in.
I was hanging out with a
bunch of my friends of mine
who I hadn't seen in a while.
So, you know, we're
hanging out, catching up,
and they're grilling me about, you know,
what's going on, what's
new, you seeing anybody?
And I was.
I was so proud and excited
to be seeing this new girl.
So, you know, I broke out her Instagram.
I was like that's her.
And my friends immediately were like,
"Oh!"
Which is Black for, "I'm
about to hurt your feelings."
They roasted this poor
girl for like 90 minutes.
Did I laugh? Yeah.
But fuck those dudes.
I'm not gonna stop hanging out
with her over it, you know?
I didn't.
We kept hanging out.
We went on a few more dates,
until our last date, man.
We were at dinner, and she
just laid it out there.
She was like, "You know what, Matt?
"I'm having a really nice time with you.
"And I think it's time
we take this relationship
"to the next level,
"and we need to start
incorporating our friends
"into our hangouts.
"You know, I need to meet your friends.
"You need to meet my friends.
"We'll all hang out together.
"See if our friend groups
get along, you know?"
And I was like...
"Why?
"You know, why are you
trying to rush things?
"You know, I'm having such a
good time getting to know you.
"You know?"
She's like, "No, it's important
that our friends get along."
And I was like, "No, I hear you."
"I don't think it's such a good idea."
And she started to get really upset.
She was like, "And why not?"
And I was like, "Because...
"Because we have the same chin."
She was like, "What?"
I was like, "You have like a
cleft chin like how I have.
"It's very strong.
"It is a very masculine facial feature.
"And like I think it's cute obviously."
"But not everybody does."
She was like, "What
are you trying to say?"
I was like, "My friends
are going to roast you.
"They're gonna make fun
of the way you look.
"I'm sorry.
"It's just how they are."
She goes, "Oh, that is so childish.
"Like, what are they gonna say?
"That I have like a butt chin?
"Ooh, so original.
"Like, I've heard it all before, babe."
And I was like,
"No, you haven't.
"I don't know how many
Black friends you have,
"but this is kind of what they do, okay?
"Do you know that they call
you the Texas Chinsaw Massacre?
"Did you know that?"
That was just off the top.
She was so offended!
She goes, "Oh, that is so rude.
"Is that all they know about
me is what I look like?"
I was like, "No, they know you
just moved here from Texas."
"To be a chin-fluencer, they said."
And now I miss her, man.
I know.
She was my little Chin-derella.
So stupid.
I appreciate you wearing your best shorts.
I know it's hot outside, but
like this is still an event.
You know what I mean?
He's like, "I know I'm
going to a comedy show,
"but just in case there's a trampoline."
Didn't even try.
You mowing the grass after this?
Goddamn, man.
Whatever. It's not your night.
You're right.
Pressure's on me.
Red flag number three.
Yeah, there's more.
Red flag number three.
A big red flag for me is if I
don't have anything in common,
like hobby-wise with somebody.
Like, it's such a necessary
relationship trait to have.
It's so easy to be physically
attracted to somebody.
Obviously, it's everyone's first instinct.
But I think if you want
longevity in a relationship,
you have to have that extra
layer of compatibility, right?
You have to wanna do
things together, I think.
So like a big red flag for me is like
if a girl doesn't go to the gym,
and that's just because it's
a very big part of my life.
I love going.
I go every day.
I'm a very big advocate of going
to the gym and working out.
And it's so good for your health.
Not just your physical, but
your mental health as well.
Gets your endorphins going.
Get some of that stress
relief out of you, you know?
But I do acknowledge that
it's not for everybody.
It's intimidating for some
people who don't go every day.
And I try to be cognizant of that.
And I try to help out the best I can.
Like, there may be some
people in here right now
or maybe watching at home
that want to get started
and just don't know how
to take that first step.
And if there is anybody out there,
I highly recommend the
program I just started
about six months ago that
changed my life forever.
And that program is where I only
work out with Black dudes.
Exclusively.
Because Black dudes will
push you to your limits
whether you want to or not.
I started about six months ago, man.
I was in the gym one day,
and I was having a bad day.
I was stressed about something.
I was angry about something.
And I was like, "Man, fuck this.
"I'm gonna use this
negative as a positive.
"I'm gonna use this aggression.
"I'm gonna put up some weight."
And I was hitting a chest day.
So I was like, "Fuck it.
"I'm gonna hit a new
max on the bench press."
So I go in there, put the
lighter weights on first,
get loosened up, get warm, you know?
And then you gotta put
on the heavier stuff.
And when you do that,
you're supposed to have a...
- Spotter.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
spotter so you don't die.
And I didn't know anybody
in there at the time.
Closest person to me was the Black dude
at the bench next to me.
So I walked over, I was like,
"Hey man, would you mind spotting me
"for this set real quick?"
And he was like, "Yeah, I got you."
I was like, "I feel like you do."
"Everything about your voice is safe.
"I feel like I can lift the world now.
"Okay, come on."
So we go over to the bench together.
He gets behind the rack
in the spot position.
He's ready.
I lay down, and I'm
trying to psych myself up,
get in the zone.
Line up my hands, get a good grip.
And finally I just finally, I just ah,
I get it off the rack.
I get one rep in.
Oh, I get two reps in.
I get stuck on the third,
and my arms start shaking,
and he can see this.
So like any good spotter,
he has some words of encouragement.
I'm trying not to die.
And this man just gets in my ear...
And, "Do that shit!"
"Do that shit!
"It ain't nothing!"
I was like...
I said, "I don't know, man.
"I'm getting kind of tired."
He was like, "My people been tired!"
I was like, "Goddamn."
"I'm sorry!"
It was only like 255.
You add white guilt on top of that,
it's like 500 pounds, man.
I was like, "Is this
pre-workout or a history lesson?
"What are we doing, dog?"
I racked that shit up.
I was like, "I appreciate you, man.
"I was struggling at the end."
He was like, "You don't know struggle."
Fuck, man.
Can't have anything.
So that's my new routine
whenever somebody's like,
"You look good, Matt.
"You on a diet?"
I'm like, "Yeah, it's
called White Watchers.
"You should try it."
It's when Black people
watch white people struggle.
You will sweat. I promise you.
This is one of the whitest
crowds I've ever seen
in my entire life.
Bro, I'm uncomfortable.
Y'all are so white.
Is this a comedy show or a meeting?
Goddamn.
Oh my god.
I'm sorry.
Red flag number...
We could try something different.
This could be fun or it
could be a fucking nightmare.
But I think we can have fun.
So the thing is I could
do red flags for hours.
And they could be funny.
We could all laugh, have
a guaranteed good time.
But who wants to do that?
And a lot of times I don't
like to do a lot of red flags
because it is very male to female.
You know, it's listing things
that men don't like about women,
and I don't want that to be
unfair, one-sided, or sexist.
So to even it out sometimes
I'm genuinely curious,
like for the women in the audience,
what might be some red flags
for a guy if you go on a date
with him and he says or does this
that makes you kind of be
like, "Ooh, I don't know."
Hold on, I'm gonna go balcony.
I'm gonna go balcony.
What is it?
Is it a good one?
- Splitting the check!
- Splitting the check.
Okay.
Splitting the check.
On a first date?
- On
a first date, he asked.
- He asked?
In the beginning of the date?
- Middle of the date.
- Towards the middle?
Oh, you were boring.
In the middle.
Can I get you anything?
Yeah, two checks.
Two checks would be great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So where'd you say you were from?
How recently was this?
- Shoot.
Five months ago.
- Five months ago.
Okay, and you're still upset.
Hold on.
Where did you go to eat?
- The Gin, in Temple.
- What is it?
- The Gin in Temple.
- The Gin in Temple. What is that?
- Garbage!
- Garbage!
- Rude.
What kinda restaurant is that?
- I mean, they have catfish,
steak, like whatever.
- You had catfish and steak?
- It's like a roadhouse.
- It's like a roadhouse.
An expensive roadhouse.
Okay.
Well, yeah, I mean maybe...
Did you like him?
Until that moment, did you like him?
- No.
- I'm curious. I'm curious.
Until he asked to split the check,
were you like, "This is going good"?
- Yes, yes.
- You were?
Uck.
Oh my god.
Let me ask, did you sleep with him?
- Yes.
- Wow!
Oh my god.
He split you and the check in one night.
Oh my god.
Did he leave a big tip?
- He was sweating when we did it,
and that was the last time.
- That was an unnecessary detail.
What'd you say?
- I said he was sweaty when we did it,
and that was the last time.
- He was sweaty after.
Yeah, my man was putting in work.
That's good,
I would think.
Well...
I'm sorry you got half of a meal.
All right, well, one for one.
What's another fun one?
Do you have a fun one?
What is it?
- He says he's taking hormone therapy,
but now he's huge and does steroids.
- Ooh.
This is gonna get cancelable.
Let's do it!
When he says he's on hormone therapy,
but he's just fucking jacked?
So hormone therapy, what's
that supposed to do?
Balance it out, basically?
- Yeah, something like that.
- So what?
He says he has too much
like natural testosterone?
- No, he doesn't have enough.
- He doesn't have enough?
Okay, how long have you
been seeing this man?
- Oh, 30, 25 years.
- 25 years?
What? Where'd you meet him?
You met him when you guys were kids.
So he tells you he's
going on hormone therapy
to get more testosterone.
But you think he's on steroids?
- Oh, I know so.
- You know so?
Did you find them?
- Yes.
- Could you get me some?
I'm trying to get in gay shape, dog.
Let's go.
I'm taking all the shortcuts.
You did find some?
Was it a needle or a pill?
- I think he is in gay shape.
- She said she thinks he is in gay shape.
The plot thickens.
Oh my god.
This is the bigger red flag now.
He has his workout buddies?
Do you have a picture of him?
I wanna see what his
gaydar says about, oh fuck!
Goddamn it!
The phones are locked up.
Goddamn.
Your phone is in a hormone blocker.
Goddamn it.
Okay, after the show, I want to see this.
Yeah, that's a valid red flag.
You don't want somebody
who's lying about an
obvious appearance thing.
Like, if you're clearly on steroids,
just own up to this shit.
It's fine.
It's fine to do it.
If that's the body you want
and the life you wanna live,
you can fucking do that.
It's fine.
As long as you can still
get your dick up, you fine.
He can't?
Then it's not okay.
Stop what you're doing immediately.
Stop seeing him.
Okay.
- Let's unlock her phone.
- Can we unlock your phone?
- We're gonna do it right now.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Stay up front, Matt.
- Okay, okay.
Bro, what if it's just a picture of me?
Eric's like, "Unlock the phone,"
and I'm like, "Nah, we
don't gotta do all that.
"We don't gotta...
"Let's just take her word for it."
Oh my god, that's it?
That's what you unlock 'em with?
That fucking flying saucer?
Can I?
May I see your phone?
There we go.
Pass it over.
Oh, this is great.
This better be worth it.
There we go.
Pass that back to her.
There we go.
I just gotta see a picture of this guy,
and then I wanna see what you think.
I wanna test this gaydar.
Let's go.
Goddamn!
Bro, he has the traps
that my grandpa's pocket
pussy wishes it had.
Oh my god.
Why is his neck so big?
Oh my god, this motherfucker
looks so unsure.
Okay, resident gay.
What are we thinking?
What are we thinking?
- Smash or pass?
- What is it?
- The pose.
- The pose? He's gay?
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Any excuse to drink?
Go ahead.
No, this is good.
Whenever we out a gay,
an angel gets his wings.
This is good. This is good.
Everybody knows that.
You know what's fucked up?
I've posed like that
before, so I was like...
"That's fine."
Okay.
Two for two.
Good. See?
All right, that was good.
We're gonna do one more for an even three.
I don't know if you could top that.
But what's a more fun one?
College baseball?
Oh man, you've been
fingered in a dorm for sure.
Okay, good.
Okay.
All righty.
Let's dive into this.
All right, all right,
so who went pro and
didn't take you with him?
Who was it?
All right, what is it
that you don't like about
college baseball players?
- Oh my gosh.
The ego.
It's the ego.
- The ego of playing a
collegiate sport at a high level?
He can't be proud about that?
- And thinkin' that he's the best one.
- The seventh pitcher on the team?
I love how you're clowning him for that,
but low-key, you fucked the
seventh pitcher on the team.
Yo, your pussy is the bullpen.
Do you know that?
Strike one.
So it's just an ego thing?
That's the only thing
you don't like about it?
'Cause he could just be
proud to be playing a sport,
'cause I love playing high school sports.
I didn't get to play at a college level,
but I would've been very excited to.
- He's not just playing sports,
he's playing everyone in my friend group.
- Oh.
- I never fucked him either.
I never fucked him.
- You never fucked him?
Damn, you couldn't even
fuck the seventh pitcher
on the baseball team?
Damn.
Strike two.
Oh my god.
Where did you go to school?
- I didn't go to school.
- You didn't go to school?
You didn't go to college?
Strike three, bitch.
You're outta here!
Oh my god.
That could not have went better.
That could not have went better.
Oh my god.
Have you tried little league?
- C'mon!
- For the love of the game.
Come on, guys.
Okay.
Well, that was fun.
It's a fun portion.
No more crowd work.
Nobody yell out.
Nobody else yell out anything.
That chapter's done.
That's fun. That's fun.
I like doing that portion of the show
'cause it's like
obviously I come out here,
I list all these red flags
and their standards that
I've set for myself.
But it's nice to know
where other people draw
the line, you know?
What are some other people's red flags?
Is it something that could apply to me?
You know, there's a lot of self-reflecting
that I think people need to do more often.
Use that time.
When you're single, if
you're single, use that time.
Do some self-reflection.
Think about the kinda shit you like.
I went through a horrible breakup
at the beginning of this last year,
and I thought it was such a low moment.
I was like, "This is
such a low in my life.
"Nothing positive was
gonna come out of this."
But I did some thinking,
and it made me realize
so much about myself.
Made me think about the
standards I wanted to set.
But it also made me think
about how much I fucking hate
being single.
This shit is so trash.
It's so trash.
People overhype the fuck outta
being single, don't they?
Especially the freedom aspect of it.
As soon as you're single again,
all your friends are like,
"Oh.
"You can go sleep with whoever you want."
No, you can't.
No, you can't.
You couldn't before.
Why could you now all of a sudden?
Also that's not even
like an appealing factor
of being single to me.
I don't like sleeping
with a bunch of different people anyways
'cause I don't like-
Yeah, it's not fun.
That's not fun, man.
I don't like inconsistent feedback.
Bro, my ego can't handle it, dog.
I'm too fickle, okay?
I need to know where I stand
sexually at all times, okay?
That's the best part of
any long-term relationship.
If you've been together long enough,
you probably have pretty
good sexual chemistry.
It's why you stuck around.
You like what they like,
they like what you like.
Meshes pretty well.
The relationship that I
ended earlier this year,
that was the best part about it.
We stayed together months
after we should have
just 'cause we had that sexual chemistry.
It's a hard spark to walk away from.
It's fun.
It makes you feel good about yourself.
You know, I was getting
my ego stroked daily.
Like, how the fuck you
walk away from that?
It's so much fun.
I knew with this girl there
was like a certain position
I could put her in,
and if I hit her with like
the right move, just bow,
then like she couldn't handle that.
Like, it was too much dick for her.
She was like, "Oh, my stomach."
And I'm like, "Shut up.
"Whatever.
"It is not in your stomach
with your shallow guts.
"Whatever."
I should call her.
Fuck, man.
Don't. Don't call the ex.
Don't do it.
Don't fall for it.
The sexual chemistry will make you ignore
all the other red flags,
the shit you should be
paying attention to.
Like, my ex and I, we had
great sexual chemistry,
but our communication
was fucking terrible.
We could never talk anything out.
There was ever a point that I
needed to get across to her,
I would just have to like
finger her in morse code
or something.
Then the next day my boys were
like, "How'd the talk go?"
I'm like, "It was terrible.
"This bitch just sat back
"and rolled her eyes at me the whole time.
"Luckily I can read lips."
Hate it.
But, you know, single again.
Back to the streets.
Now I just gotta
have sex with all these women.
I don't wanna do it.
I'd rather be in a
relationship personally,
but somebody had fucking other plans.
And I want y'all to think
about that the next time you're
about to chastise a dude
for being a fuck boy.
Like, "Oh, oh, you just a fuck boy.
"You out here sleeping
with all these girls.
"You don't even want to
be in a relationship.
"You're just a fuck boy."
Maybe he's not a fuck boy.
Maybe
he's sad.
Maybe behind every fuck boy is a man
who once loved too much.
Or maybe that's exactly
what a fuck boy would say.
TBD.
But while I'm single,
I'm trying to use this
time to be self-reflective,
work on myself,
think about what are some
of the red flags I bring
to the table?
Is there something I could be working on?
And a major one, a major red flag for me
that's been brought to my attention
that I didn't realize was
as big of a deal as it is,
and it's, you know, in relation
to the climate we live in today.
And that red flag is that
apparently I'm not very
PC.
I'm not very politically correct.
Sorry, I don't know
if that term made it down here yet or not.
Y'all don't seem to give a fuck.
And when I say that, I just mean like,
I'm not one of those people
who tries so fucking hard
to like prove how woke,
what a good person I am,
'cause that shit comes
across as so disingenuine
and corny to me.
Like, you're clearly pandering so hard.
You can be a good person
without it being your
entire fucking personality.
You know what I mean?
It's so exhausting, man.
As long as you know your
heart's in the right place,
you're doing the best that you can.
You don't need to prove yourself
on Twitter every fucking day.
And obviously I'm
referencing the extremes.
These like woke internet warriors
or whatever you wanna call 'em,
these fucking losers who
spend their whole life trying
to cancel people on the internet.
That shit pisses me off so much
because they're ruining a good agenda.
Cancel culture is not
necessarily a bad thing.
I get what they're trying to
do is eradicate negativity
in the world and get rid
of some bad toxic shit,
and we do need that.
But a lot of that gets lost in translation
when they carry it out
because they themselves
are such bitches, dog.
Oh my god, bro.
And that drives me insane
because I'm on their side.
I hate the same shit they hate.
Off the top of my mind, I can think of
homophobia.
Homophobia is a massive pet peeve of mine
because it doesn't fucking affect you.
Who somebody else loves
has nothing to do with you.
And it is always the ugliest fucking dude
who's the most homophobic, isn't it?
The most toothless motherfucker
from Corpus Christi.
To be on some, "I'm not
with that gay shit."
They're not with you either, bro.
Have you met a gay guy?
They're handsome.
They're in good shape.
They can fuck your girl so fast, okay?
Be thankful they took a
competitor off the board.
I hate it so much, man.
They're such a pain in the ass.
And as you can imagine,
you all have the internet,
it makes our job incredibly difficult.
Nobody's allowed to joke
about anything anymore.
Everyone wants to complain
about every joke ever told.
And that's so frustrating
because I mean, you guys have
been here the whole show,
you know I have a pretty
fucked up sense of humor.
Like, I love dark shit.
Like, the darker the better to me.
I love that so much.
Keep that same energy.
Like, I love fucked up stuff.
But again, I'm okay making those jokes
because I know my heart's
in the right place.
And even though I acknowledge
that that sense of humor
isn't for everybody,
I'm okay with that
because I don't need to impress everybody.
The same way you wouldn't
try to be friends
with everybody, right?
You'll find your people
as your life progresses.
So it's like, yeah, I might get in trouble
or yeah, some people might not
like the jokes that I tell,
but I'm gonna tell the
jokes that I wanna tell,
and hopefully my audience
will gravitate towards that,
and we can all get along and
have a fucking cool friendship,
you know?
It gets tricky sometimes.
I'll do jokes that a lot of
people wouldn't wanna tell
or don't wanna listen to sometimes.
Like, you know, sometimes I'll do jokes
about like trans people
'cause it's funny.
Sometimes.
Not in a disrespectful way.
It's never a disrespect.
I'm just making light of a situation,
so we can all laugh rather
than be touchy and upset.
That's all it is.
And this is what's so funny.
The energy in the room is
exactly what I'm talking about.
Subject matter is what triggers people.
I haven't even said the joke yet.
All I said was trans people,
and everybody in here got a tight asshole.
Everybody.
Not you guys.
But everybody else.
Everybody else tightened the fuck up.
This special is presented by poppers.
If you don't know what poppers are,
get you some gay friends,
change your life,
change your life.
But that's what I'm talking about.
All I did was say a trigger word,
and people are automatically
already uncomfortable.
You guys are worried about being canceled,
just being in the room.
Like, it's so funny to me.
'Cause the jokes that I tell,
they're never disrespectful.
They're always with the utmost respect.
I never wanna hurt anybody's feeling.
They're just some jokes,
just to say some goofy shit
and make the world laugh.
That's all.
And people will still come up to me
after the show saying the
same angry rant every time,
just fucking, "You cannot
make jokes about trans people
"because what they're going
through is so incomparable
"and you can't imagine
how hard their life is
"and the shit that they
have to go through.
"Therefore, you can make
jokes about trans people."
And I hear you.
I hear you loud and clear.
But...
The point that you're trying
to make is you're saying,
I can't make jokes about somebody
because of how hard their life is.
And you are making very valid points
in that I don't know
how hard that life is.
I imagine it is tremendously
harder than my life.
I can't imagine how hard
that is to go through,
and I wish you the best of luck.
But...
At the same time, to retort that argument,
you also don't have
the hardest life.
You know who has life way
harder than trans people
that we never talk about?
People in wheelchairs.
Think about it.
Comparatively, people in wheelchairs
have a much harder life.
Do they complain about it?
No.
We gave 'em a couple of
ramps and kept it pushing.
Look, some people are gonna think
this is an insensitive comparison.
I think it's a step in the
right direction personally.
I think if we want to head
towards trans equality,
we fucking start with
better parking, you know?
It's the least we could do,
it's the least we could do.
I don't know where we'd put 'em.
We can't assign them anything.
God.
Just joking, just joking.
Relax.
Hey, look, if you let it be,
this can be the most fun
part of the show, okay?
If you just have fun
for the next 15 minutes,
we're all gonna laugh at some things
that we don't think we're
allowed to laugh at.
Oh, oh, is it like a naughty thing
if I laugh at a joke at a comedy show?
Have fun, okay?
Do not get sensitive now.
Don't fucking sit there
and feel like you need to
defend the wheelchair community.
They can fucking stand
up for themselves, okay?
Goddamn it, you guys.
Stop being hesitant, okay?
Knock it off.
People in wheelchairs come
to comedy shows all the time.
It is incredibly common.
And you know what?
They are some of the best audience members
you could ever ask for.
They come, they laugh their asses off.
And I'll tell you the reason
I believe that to be true.
And it's because I think
they've gotten themself
to this point of understanding
and this positive mindset
that no matter the hand
you've been dealt in life,
no matter how hard
things might be for you,
if you can learn to find the light
in whatever dark situation
you're going through
and you can learn to laugh at the things
that should make you miserable,
including yourself sometimes,
that's how you fucking win life.
And you are going to be a
significantly happier person.
If you can learn to laugh
in the face of adversity.
I know this seems harsh,
but I have little to
no respect for anybody
who wakes up every day and
makes the decision to live
with a victim's negative mentality of,
"Oh, everything's awful.
"Everyone's out to hurt my feelings."
Only because that's not fair to you.
That's not fair to yourself.
Your life is so short and so precious,
you deserve to have the best
fucking time you possibly can
and laugh your way through life
and be as happy as you can
no matter your circumstance
and no matter what anybody
fucking says about you.
You deserve that.
Have some fun.
We're only here for a second.
Have some fun, man.
And that's why I chose
the comparison that I did.
A lot of people think it's
an insensitive comparison
in the beginning,
comparing those two groups,
but it's because the positive message
that I'm trying to put out there,
and I want people to remember,
is that no matter what
you're going through,
I would never negate that.
But I want you to remember, if
you think your life is hard,
somebody has it worse.
Try to remember that.
Be grateful, be happy, and
enjoy your time no matter what.
And that's what I love about this example
is because if you think
about the life of somebody
in a wheelchair, that's fucking hard.
That's a daily obstacle to overcome
to do anything every day.
And the fact that they can
laugh their way through that,
we should all be able to.
That's why I have so much respect
for the wheelchair community
is because regardless of
what they're going through,
people in wheelchairs are never annoying
about their situation.
Until they're getting on the bus.
I don't know how many
of y'all have been stuck
behind a city bus letting
somebody in a wheelchair on,
but it is fucking excruciating.
You're behind 'em trying
to make that right turn,
and they're fucking
Put this motherfucker on
the bike rack and let's go!
That is the only time I
have ever lost my patience
on a handicapped person
is when they're fucking up traffic, okay?
Other than that,
they're angels.
Look, if you're still
upset about the comparison,
feel free to think about
it and tell me I'm wrong.
Let's say you did.
Let's say you took somebody with no legs
and a trans person,
and you put 'em in the same room,
the same handicap accessible room.
See who you think has the harder life.
I feel like I'm trapped inside
of another person's body.
So you have four legs?
You're not listening.
It's not about that.
It's sometimes my mental
health will take such a toll
that I could just, I could
just jump off of my balcony.
Jump?
What's that?
You're not hearing.
People will call me the wrong pronouns.
Someone called me Chariot
Tubman the other day.
You think a pronoun's the
worst thing you can be called?
Come on.
- What
about a trans person
in a wheelchair?
Oh, you mean trans-portation?
Don't test me, dog!
Oh shit.
Look, this is a hard joke to pull off.
It's like a prosthetic leg.
Like, you just gotta...
No, no, it is, it is, obviously.
You take two marginalized groups of people
who are going through a tough time
and you think you can't
make jokes about that.
But you can.
The joke works if my
point is inarguable, and
I think it is.
I think those examples speak for themself.
I guess I just can't wait for the day
that I'm doing this joke at a show
and there's a trans person in the audience
who gets so offended they walk out,
and I'm just like,
"Show off."
Some of y'all are still on
edge, and it's very annoying.
Okay, I'm gonna give it one last try.
I'm gonna give it one last try
to get y'all all on my side.
This is my last attempt to
get through to y'all, okay?
I was working on this joke
when it was like brand new
about like eight weeks ago, right?
I was in Arizona, and it's a new joke.
I'm trying to figure it out.
Obviously it's a little
tricky to navigate.
Obviously it teeters a
very fine line of offensive
and funny,
which is where you want
your jokes, you know?
Have some fun, push the
boundaries, you know?
So I'm working on it.
I'm trying to make it the best it can be.
And I can see out of the corner of my eye,
front row, left side of
the stage is a young woman
in a wheelchair,
and I'm in the middle of like the trans
versus wheelchair material.
And I can see outta my peripheral vision,
she's laughing her ass off.
I'm serious.
This girl is, she's slapping her knee.
She can't feel it, but
she's slapping her knee.
Like, this bitch is rolling.
You know what I mean?
She's fucking, ah.
You know how they'd be laughing?
Ah.
Handicap people laugh like
they're getting good head,
just, ah, ah.
She's so obviously having
a great time, right?
So when the joke was over,
it dawned on me that I had
a very unique opportunity
to get an inside perspective
on this material.
And in order for a joke like this to work,
it has to be funnier than it is offensive.
And again, I want it to be.
I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings.
It's just jokes, man.
It's as simple as that to me.
But I'm always open to conversation.
So when the joke was over, I asked her.
I was like, "Out of
curiosity was anything I said
"in that joke offensive?"
And still laughing, this
woman says, "No, no, no, no.
"It was so fucking funny.
"And I want to thank
you for including me."
I had never...
I had never realized
that so many people were so uncomfortable
around handicapped people
that a lot of the times
they won't even laugh
about some of the same things
they want to laugh about
and things that they think are hilarious.
So getting that confirmation
is what gave me all the
confidence I needed to know
that these jokes are okay to tell
and we are allowed to
laugh at them, you know?
Her and I were on the
same page the whole time.
We both know that's what
you do to vegetables,
you roast 'em!
Ah!
Bro, if you didn't laugh at that shit,
I would never be your friend.
Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you.
Bro, then I fucked her.
That's the crazy thing.
It was after the show.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm not saying it was me,
but she wasn't walking the
next day, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
I was like, "Can you
feel it in your stomach?"
She was like, "I can't feel anything."
I was like, "Yeah."
My name is Matt Rife.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Take your shirt off!
- Listen, listen.
For one second.
First and foremost, thank you all so much.
This means the absolute world to me.
And I know...
I know we laughed a lot in the past hour,
but if you wouldn't mind,
there is something important
I would actually like
to share with you guys.
And it's something I wanted
to address about this special,
it's very important to me
is the name of the special
being "Matthew Steven Rife."
It's my full name.
If you guys buy the DVD,
you can get my social security number too.
But it's my full name.
Obviously Matthew and Rife
being my first and last name
and my middle name being Steven.
And I'm named after my grandpa.
The same pocket pussy grandpa.
And just to clarify, yes,
that story is 1,000% true.
Zero embellishment.
He's a fucking monster.
But the reason we've decided to,
this special was gonna be named
something totally different.
And I wanted to dedicate
this special to my grandpa
because just under two
weeks ago, he passed away.
And the whole show,
I mean, this whole special
taping almost didn't happen.
I mean, he was my absolute...
My best friend, and I love
him and miss him so much.
And he wasn't able to come
to my first special taping last year.
So for this one, I was like scrambling.
I was like, "Do I even
want to do this one?
"It doesn't feel right to
do a show without him."
So, I mean, we scrambled together.
We changed some of the set for it.
Like, this right here is his hat
that he wore like every single day.
There's even a photo.
There's a black and white
photo of like he and I
when I was a baby.
Clearly we were on the set
of one of his '70s pornos.
And I miss him a lot.
And like I said, he wasn't able to come
to my first special taping last year
because it was kind of the
height of COVID and everything.
He also hadn't been on a
plane in like 30 years.
So for this one, a couple months ago,
like four or five months ago
when we decided we were
gonna do this special,
I really, really wanted
to fly him out here.
And he was very excited to,
'cause I wanted to kind of immortalize
and in front of everybody
that was here tell him
just how much he meant
to me and just thank you
for every single thing that he did for me.
I mean
You guys really don't understand.
I spent every weekend
with him when I was a kid.
Like, he's the one that showed
me like, all these funny,
we would sit around and watch
like Adam Sandler movies
and stuff like that.
You know, very inappropriate
movies for a child to watch.
And he was very funny.
Like, he's definitely the
reason I have a sense of humor.
And when I was starting out
doing standup when I was 15,
how open mics work a lot of the times,
I started out at the local
comedy club in Columbus, Ohio
called The Funny Bone.
And they would have these open mics,
and how those work a lot of the times
is they're called bringer shows.
So you'd have to bring five people
in order for you to get stage time.
And I was 15, all my friends
were in middle school.
So obviously I couldn't have anybody come.
So my grandpa would buy five tickets
so that I could get stage time
and do like this silly thing
because he thought I was so funny.
I really wish he was here to
see all of you people here
and just to let you guys know if...
If I have ever made any of you laugh ever,
it's because of him.
That's why like when we were
going over the stage decoration
for how we were gonna do this stage,
like I wanted it kind of plain and rugged.
But then obviously I wanted
him here at the show so bad,
which is why we decided to
leave a seat open for him
on the stage, hoping he
would want to watch the show.
And as heartbreaking as it
is that he couldn't come
and be at the show
himself, fortunately enough
Ashley could.
So in the name of Steve,
this one's for you, Papaw.
Thank you so much!