Matteo Lane: The Al Dente Special (2025) Movie Script
[indistinct playful chatter]
[video game cars zooming]
[overlapping chatter]
[speaker]
No, no, no, no. Oh, come on!
Come on, he's cheating! He's cheating.
- How does he keep winning?
- He has the good controller.
Alright, you guys,
I'm gonna be right back.
- [overlapping chatter]
- Jesus, people.
- It's a madhouse.
- [overlapping chatter continues]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Matteo Lane!
- [cheering and applause]
- Hi!
Hello.
- [cheering and applause continue]
- Hello.
[jazz music playing]
[Matteo laughs]
Oh, my God.
- Look, this is a very important night.
- [music stops]
We have a lot of things to discuss.
Um, white women.
[laughter]
Look, white women,
during the day...
you're fine.
[laughter]
You're fine.
You know, you're in HR, you're in PR.
[laughter]
You're fine. Everything is fine.
It's just...
- you have one sip of a ros...
- [laughter]
and you're like,
"Tonight's about...
[in deep voice]
...me."
[laughter]
[normal] What is happening to you?
First of all,
we all know the sound
of a drunk white woman, right?
Because we--
You do!
And here's the thing.
It's not that it's loud.
That's not it. It's piercing.
- [laughter]
- It's piercing.
You know the sound.
If you take a drunk white woman,
you put her 50 feet underground
in a military base,
you're still gonna hear,
"French fries?"
- Like, it's just...
- [laughter]
Yes.
This is what I've noticed, too.
Every single conversation
with white women,
it is all the exact same.
Every single one.
It doesn't matter where you are,
what country you're in,
what time of day,
it's always gonna be,
"I was telling Joanne the other day
that she's not gonna be going..."
[laughter]
You don't have to go to them
to finish the conversation.
You can go to any other group
of white women,
they will finish
the conversation for you.
"She was saying that I'm not
doing my job, but I said..."
[laughter]
I was in Rome a couple of months
ago and, uh...
- [chuckles] Ciao, and...
- [laughter]
[laughing]
I saw these three white girls walking.
They were probably like 19, 20.
I mean, you know, young,
probably their first time in Rome.
They feel like adults.
And they're all eating gelato
and they're walking,
and the girl on the right goes,
[Valley Girl accent] "This gelato's better
than the gelato we had yesterday."
[normal]
And the girl in the middle goes...
[scoffs]
[Valley Girl accent]
"Another win for TikTok!"
[laughter]
[normal] I hope she's dead.
That...
- [applause]
- I hope...
This would be another win
for TikTok, I...
And what's funny is like, I'm--
okay, so my TikTok and Instagram,
I don't know how this happened,
but like, my algorithm,
it's just turned into
white women cooking pasta.
[laughing] I don't know how
I've gotten here.
I mean-- and I know Italians are white.
I'm just talking about Sara,
not Maria, um...
- [laughter]
- So, this is how old I--
I didn't know that there were,
like, trending recipes.
I didn't realize that this was the thing.
But the-- the recipe I see
over and over and over again,
it's always the same thing,
it's olive oil, onion, garlic,
tomato paste, like, uh,
heavy whipping cream, fresh mozzarella,
and like, fusilli, you know.
And the pasta, whatever,
it's fine, I'm sure.
But I saw this woman, she was
entering the video, and she goes,
[Valley Girl accent]
"If you wanna make that meal
that's gonna make him, 'Mm!'"
[laughter]
[normal] This woman has no friends,
because...
[laughter]
Your friends hold you
accountable, don't they?
I mean, if I made a pasta video
and I entered it by being like,
[Valley Girl accent] "If you want to make
that meal that's gonna make him, 'Mm,'"
[normal] and I saw my friends
later that day, they'd be like,
"What in the faggotry
are you talking about?"
[laughter and applause]
It's so funny.
I love going to Italy, I go so--
Is anyone here from Italy?
Not Long Island.
[laughter]
I go to Italy all the time.
And what's funny is I--
I'm always writing jokes about Italy.
And then I realize,
for all the years that I've been going,
I've never done anything,
like, gay in Italy, and--
- Well...
- [laughter]
I just mean, they're conservative,
I guess that's what I mean.
But they have the Vatican there.
The Vatican.
Just men in dresses, like,
"No girls allowed." Um...
[laughter]
So gay, but...
[laughing] You're so gay.
I just mean, like,
I've never gone on a date before.
The only time I went on a date in Italy,
it was three years ago.
I was in Rome, and I was talking
to this guy named Giuseppe,
and, uh... [laughing]
Pinocchio's cousin, and...
[laughter]
And I was texting him
when I was at my hotel.
And then, he-- when he got there,
he texted me, he goes,
[with Italian accent]
"I'm downstairs," and, uh...
[scattered laughter]
[normal]
His text had that accent, so...
[laughter]
I go downstairs,
and it's just so classic Rome.
Like, it's just--
he's literally leaning on a red Vespa.
And I said out loud, I'm like,
"Am I Lizzie McGuire?"
[laughter and applause]
Just on the back of the Vespa,
like, "Sing to me, Paolo!"
[singing]
This is what dreams are made of
By the way, I rewatched that movie.
Paolo is fully Mexican and...
[laughter]
[laughing] A hundred--
if you could see the outtakes,
I'm sure they're like,
"And action."
"Hola, Lizzie."
"Cut!"
Every time I go to Italy, though,
something happens.
This is crazy.
So, a year ago-- this-- alright.
I met the most famous woman in the world
when I was in Rome last year.
So, I'm hanging out with my friend
Daniele Gattano, who's an Italian comic.
He's-- he's very funny. He's also gay.
He's basically me, but there.
- And, uh...
- [laughter]
We went to this restaurant
and it wasn't even, like,
a fancy restaurant, just a restaurant.
And they were like,
"Do you wanna eat inside or outside?"
We're like, "We'll eat outside."
You know, it's a nice day.
So, we go outside,
and he's sitting across from me,
and he just starts to panic, he's like...
[gasping, stammering]
[with Italian accent]
"Uh, Matteo.
Eh, Matteo. Matteo. Matteo.
Matteo. Matteo."
I'm like, "What? What is it?
What? What's going on? What?"
[in Italian accent]
"Opfra. Opfra, Matteo, Opfra."
[normal] I'm like, "Opfra?
What's an Opfra?" He's like,
[Italian accent] "Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!
Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!"
[laughter]
[normal] They call Oprah "Opfra,"
I don't know why.
So, I turn around, I look.
It's fucking Opfra!
Oprah goddamn Winfrey-- by the way,
born and raised in Chicago, 25 years.
I never ran into the bitch once.
I'm in Rome...
- [laughter]
- [scoffs] It's Oprah.
So... now, I'm thinking to myself,
I'm like, "Okay, I have to say
something to Oprah, right?"
I can't-- by the way,
when you see a celebrity,
you don't wanna hold them hostage.
Just give 'em
a drive-by compliment, okay?
But I'm like, what can I say to, like,
encapsulate everything that I am
that I'm thinking, right?
That I'm gay, I'm American,
and she looks great, so...
[laughter]
[laughing] I'm thinkin'.
So, she's walking in.
She's, like, this close to me.
I take off my sunglasses.
We make direct eye contact,
and I go, "You better work."
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and applause]
I-- right?
I-- and I swear to God,
you know what she said to me?
I swear to God, she goes,
"You better work!"
Swear to God. Swear to God.
[applause]
[laughs] And she did,
she made us meatballs, uh...
[laughing]
No. I love going to Italy.
And you know, it's funny, last summer,
I went-- I always go to Sicily.
I have a lot of family
and friends in Sicily.
And, uh, I went to Sicily last year,
and I went with my friend Giovanni.
And in, um, the northeast part of Sicily,
uh, they have these tiny islands,
like a cluster of islands,
and one of them is called Lipari.
Really, really small.
And I went with my friend Giovanni,
and we get there,
and, you know, everyone's like,
"Oh, if you want to eat,
"you have to go to this restaurant,
it's called Trattoria Siciliana.
It's the best.
That's where you go eat."
So, 7 p.m., we show up,
we get to the restaurant.
It's packed, right?
Obviously, it's the only place to eat.
So, we see there's one table open
with two chairs.
So, we go to the woman working there
who's in her early hundreds, and...
[laughter]
That's the thing with Italian women,
I don't-- they're either like 25 or 92.
There's like nothing in between.
They're either like a long,
gorgeous model in Milan
or they're E.T. in a housecoat, so...
[laughter]
[laughing] It's...
[laughing]
Remember when they put E.T. in drag?
[laughter]
That's my nonna, so...
[laughter]
[chuckles] So, we walk up to her,
and in Italian, you know,
we're like, "Hey, like, you know,
there's a seat open. Can we go?"
She's like, "Okay."
So, she's walking us to the table.
So-- she walks like Mariah Carey
in her Christmas concert
- and just barely get to...
- [laughter and applause]
...table.
[laughing]
We'll get to Mariah in a minute.
- I have stories, so...
- [laughter]
So, we get to the table
and then, in the chair--
I don't even know if this is a joke,
it's just what happened.
There's a cat in the chair,
and she just goes,
"Eh... no."
[laughter]
We were like, "What? Why?"
She goes, [in Italian accent] "Rocco!"
[laughter]
[normal] It's so funny, when I was writing
this joke, I called my friend Giovanni.
I was like, "Hey, I'm writing
a joke about you."
And before I could finish, he goes,
[in Italian accent] "Ah, yes. Rocco."
[laughter]
[normal] We would get coffee every morning
at this pasticceria
that was close to us,
and, uh, it's the same thing.
It's all, you know,
E.T.s in housecoats cooking for us. And...
You know, you're-- you're in Sicily
in the middle of the summer.
It's hot.
Everyone's very dark, very tan.
We walk in one day,
and there's a girl working there.
She's probably like 20 years old.
She's so white.
- We thought she was haunting us.
- [laughter]
She was so white.
So, I walk up to her
and I'm like, you know, "Buongiorno."
She's like, "Buongiorno."
And I start to order coffee.
I'm like...
[speaking Italian]
And she's like, "Oh, wait, no.
Um, if-- per favore-- no, um..."
And I go, "Do you speak English?"
She goes, "I'm from Ireland!"
[laughter]
I was like, "What are you doing here?"
She's like,
[in Irish accent] "I met this Italian man
"six months ago
and I moved to this island,
I'm working at his mother's pastry shop,
and I'm sweating, help me!"
[laughter]
[normal]
Dumb bitch, so...
[laughter]
But that's the cool thing
about doing this job,
is after so many years of doing standup,
I finally get to tour internationally,
and I don't just mean Canada.
- I am...
- [laughter]
My first international tour
I did was last year.
I did it in Europe, we started in France.
It was so cool.
And my opener I always bring
is one of my best friends,
Francesco De Carlo,
who's a very funny Italian comic.
And you know,
when you're in another country,
you try and learn small phrases, right?
So, if you walk into a store,
we're in France, "Bonjour. Merci."
And then when you leave,
"Au revoir."
But Francesco's accent
in Italian is so thick,
every time I would say "au revoir,"
behind me, I'd just hear, "Ow wow."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Francesco,
what are you saying?"
[with Italian accent]
"I don't know, I cannot say this word.
Oh, wow. Ow, ow, ow. Ciao."
[chuckles]
[normal] I'm so used to performing
for American audiences,
I didn't even think that small things
would be so different, right?
So, for example,
an American audience,
when I ask a question
I'm looking for a "yes" answer,
Americans always go, "Whoo!"
That's just how we say "yes."
So, I'm in Paris, I'm doing the show.
It's like a thousand gay Frenchmen--
gayer Frenchmen, um...
[laughter]
Everyone looks so gay.
I look straight in Paris.
I look like
I'm crushing pussy in Paris.
[laughter and applause]
[Matteo laughing]
[in deep voice]
Bon soir.
[normal]
Just, whoa, you know.
[chuckles]
Imagine? So...
[laughter]
[chuckles]
In these shorts, you know, so...
[laughter]
So, you know, I'm-I'm-I'm--
I'm in this show, right?
I'm doing this show, and then
there's a thousand people, right?
So, I ask a question,
I think that they're gonna go "Whoo!"
And I swear to God,
at the same time they all go, "Yes."
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
After the show, we go to this restaurant,
and this restaurant,
it's-- it's one of these places
where it's so highfalutin,
like, everyone just seems
so important.
And the servers,
they weren't even, like, pretty women.
They were models off the runway,
and they were so mean to us. Um...
- [laughter]
- They were, they were so mean to us.
But they were so pretty,
they could throw soup in my face,
- I'd be like, "Merci. Um..."
- [laughter]
But one of them, she's holding
this, you know, giant tray
of, like, dishes and glasses.
She's walking, and she falls,
it smashes everywhere.
And the whole restaurant's looking,
they're like... [gasps]
And Francesco's eating a salad.
He doesn't even look up.
He just goes... [in Italian accent]
"You can't have everything in life."
[laughter and applause]
- "Ow wow."
- [laughter]
[normal]
The shows were really fun in Paris.
And then we went off to Amsterdam.
Has anyone been to Amsterdam before?
- [scattered cheers]
- Yeah.
I-I had a great time. I just--
You know what it is?
I couldn't pronounce anybody's name.
I couldn't-- not a s--
everyone's name sounded like a sneeze.
- [laughter]
- I'd be like, "Hi, my name is Matteo."
"My name is..." [sneezes]
I'm like, oh!
- [laughter]
- Gesundheit. [chuckles]
They're like, "Gesundheit, that's my son."
Oh, just shut up!
The Dutch are so different
as audiences.
I mean, you know, in Italy,
when you perform in Italy,
you blink and the audience is like,
"Oh, grazie, Matteo."
This is how the Dutch laugh.
[laughter]
Then after the show, they come up to you.
[in Dutch accent] "That is the hardest
I've ever laughed in my entire life.
[laughter and applause]
"My cheeks hurt, I have abs.
I shall never forget this night
for the rest of my life."
[laughter]
[normal] They have all these canals
in Amsterdam,
you know, 'cause they think
they're Venice, and, uh...
It's cool, they have these boats
that you can get
and people sit and drink,
there's like bars and servers.
It's cool.
It's very glamorous, you know?
So, Francesco's like,
"Hey, we should get a boat."
So, we get a boat, and we show up.
Clearly, we fell into a tourist trap,
'cause our boat didn't have a bar.
Uh, it had a bag
of Heinekens, and...
[laughter]
So, we're like, whatever,
let's just get on the boat.
So, we get on the boat, and you know,
we-- we have this tour guide.
Now, the tour guide's only job
is to just tell us facts
about Amsterdam.
But she thought she was a comedian,
so we immediately hated her.
[laughter]
Now, I don't-- if you've been
to Amsterdam before,
you know that some of the buildings
are like short, tall.
They're like wonky-looking.
They lean forward, they lean back, right?
So, she points to a cluster of them
and she's like,
"Does everyone
see those buildings over there?"
We're like, "Yeah."
She goes,
"We call those the gay buildings."
- [chuckles]
- [audience lightly laughs]
And the gay part could give a shit.
You know, the comedian part's like,
"What's the punchline?"
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
So, Francesco and I both
raised our hands and...
[laughing]
And she goes, "Yes?"
And we're like,
"Why are they the gay buildings?"
And she goes,
"'Cause they're not straight."
[audience reacts]
Cunt.
[laughter and applause]
[Matteo laughs]
So, we did Europe,
and then right after that,
I went to Australia to do shows.
I've never been to Australia before,
and, uh, I-I've learned something,
that Americans know nothing
about Australia.
We really don't.
I was in Sydney and my friend called.
She was like, "Oh, my God,
how exotic is Australia?"
I'm like, "I'm at a Sephora."
[laughter]
This is something I didn't realize
all Australians knew.
So, when I was on my way there,
I was, you know, on Instagram,
and I'm like, "Oh, my God,
can't wait to hold on to a koala,"
which I don't want to hold on--
That's another white woman move.
[laughter]
Holding a koala.
Not all white women,
but the same white women
that when they were 13,
they went to the Bahamas
for spring break,
and they came back
with their hair braided.
[laughter and applause]
Re... [chuckles]
Remember?
We were like,
"Molly, you have red hair.
This is Chicago, put a hat on."
So...
[laughter]
So, I just said-- I was joking.
I was like, "Going to Australia.
Can't wait to hold on to a koala."
Did not realize this was a fact
everyone knew.
I got hundreds of messages
of Australians being like,
[with Australian accent]
"Well, you know, they've got chlamydia."
[scattered laughter]
[normal]
Yeah, I'm not trying to lick its pussy.
[laughter]
Is this happening? I mean-- are--
Are that many Americans try--
"And say cheese."
[laughter]
I just wrote back and said,
"I didn't turn gay yesterday.
I've hung out with bears
that have chlamydia."
[laughter]
The accent thing, though.
I mean, that's the thing.
Look, I understand, I'm the foreigner.
I'm the one that has the accent, okay?
But every single morning
I would call for breakfast,
and this guy would pick up
and he'd be like...
[with Australian accent]
"Hello?"
[normal]
And-- and I was like, oh.
I was like, you know,
"Do you guys have yogurt and granola?
Just looking for something light."
And I know he didn't say this,
but to me, it sounded like him saying...
[speaking gibberish]
And they would always end it with,
"...if you'd like."
[laughter]
And I was too afraid to say anything,
so I just said yes.
So, every morning,
I just ate salmon for breakfast.
- [laughter]
- I'm like, "Ohh."
You gotta be careful with
the Australian accent, though.
You really have to get it right,
because I remember when I was 18,
I was in college, and this
foreign exchange student came in
and she was, you know, like,
"Hello. Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi."
You know, and I'm trying to be nice.
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
welcome to Chicago from Australia."
And she's like...
[scoffs]
[with New Zealand accent]
"New Zealand, actually."
[laughter]
[normal] It's like, okay, well,
I didn't say China,
like, I was pretty close.
[laughter]
Also, how annoying was New Zealand
during the pandemic?
Does anybody remember this?
The most-- their prime minister
would get on TV every single day
and be like, "I just wanna say that
we in New Zealand have no cases of Covid."
I'm like, no one lives there.
[laughter]
I'm in Manhattan, you idiot.
Anybody could do that job.
[in New Zealand accent]
"You go there, and you go there.
Problem solved!"
Like, it's...
[laughter]
[normal] That's the thing, though.
When you're doing this job,
you're traveling so much.
I'm in Ubers all the time.
I'm just-- everywhere I go, every country,
every city, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber.
Everywhere you go,
they have their own Uber culture.
So, New York, we have
the most specific Uber culture.
And I just want to ask you,
here in Los Angeles,
I wanna know,
clap if you talk to your Uber driver.
[applause]
[laughter]
- What's wrong with you?
- [laughter]
In New York, we do not talk
to our Uber drivers.
They don't want to talk to us,
it's a mutual--
Here's how much
we don't want to talk to each other.
I got into a car accident in my Uber
on 39th Street and Sixth Avenue,
and I still said nothing
to my Uber driver.
[laughter]
We made direct eye contact
in the rear view mirror.
I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
[laughter and applause]
But everywhere else you go,
they want to talk to you.
The worst, North Carolina.
- The worst was North Carolina.
- [audience members gasp]
- I said what I said. I...
- [laughter]
I'm running to my Uber, it's raining,
I gotta get to the airport.
Before I can even
close the door, this man,
it's a New Yorker's nightmare.
He turns around.
[with deep Southern accent]
"Well, well, well, well."
[laughter and applause]
"Looks like someone's
going to the airport today."
[with high-pitched voice]
No!
[laughter and applause]
[normal]
And I'm trying everything in my power
to give him all the international signs
of I don't want to have
a conversation with him.
I've got eight headphones on.
I'm just...
[laughter]
This man doesn't give a shit.
He's ready to have brunch.
He's like, [with deep Southern accent]
"Well, that's great,
"'cause I need to visit my son
who lives near the airport after this."
[snarky voice]
Fine.
[laughter]
[normal] Then he says--
I'm not making this up, he goes...
[deep Southern accent]
"My son has... cancer."
- [audience groans]
- [smacking lips]
[normal] So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
[laughter and applause]
How am I supposed
to respond to this? I...
You will get the five stars,
I just can't--
By the way,
I was running this joke once,
and this woman yelled,
she was like, "Not funny!"
I was like, are you an Uber driver?
Like...
- [laughter]
- So stupid.
She's like, "I'm a cancer survivor."
So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the...
[applause]
But that's the thing though,
I'm traveling so much,
I'm on planes so much,
I'm in new hotels,
I'm in Ubers,
my back is always in pain.
And I was talking to my friend Mitch.
[sighs] I don't even know how to get
into this story, I just...
I hired an escort.
I didn't mean to, and...
- [laughter]
- I really didn't mean to.
Okay, so here's what happened.
I was talking to my friend Mitch,
and I was just saying,
"Oh, my back is always in pain."
Like, you know,
"I gotta get a massage therapist."
But Mitch is not
in the right state of mind.
He's a freshly divorced,
middle-aged gay man
in his sexual prime,
which I know sounds redundant. Um...
- [laughter]
- When I said that,
he was like,
"You need a massage therapist?
I've got the perfect guy for you."
Here's how stupid I am.
This guy messages me.
His first message is "Only bring cash."
I'm like, "Got it."
[laughter]
He kept telling me to meet him at this,
like, undisclosed location in Chinatown.
I remember walking up the stairs
saying out loud, "This is scary."
- Um...
- [laughter]
I would be so easy to murder.
So, I...
- [laughter]
- And it was impossible to find.
I felt like I was in a shrine in Zelda.
Like, I could not find the exit.
Finally, I found it.
And you know what's funny?
Like, you know when you go into a spa,
usually there's, like, spa music.
Like, Enya's on.
You walk in, it's like...
[singing]
Who can say where the road goes
Where the--
There was no Enya on.
I walk in, it's a man under a neon light
who's very scary,
and he's like,
"Go in that room and get naked."
- I was like, "On my way!"
- [laughter]
So, I walk--
I wish I was making this up.
I walk in the room,
there's the table, no blanket,
and I lay down naked,
ass up, ready to be killed, um...
[laughter]
And here's the thing.
I got my head looking through that, like,
you know, like, the massage table.
Like, it's like a donut hole, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so I could see the ground.
So, I'm looking at the floor,
and I hear the door close behind me,
and I just see two legs walk up in front,
and then his pants just drop.
- [audience gasps]
- But I'm so stupid.
I'm like, "Uh, he must be warm."
Like, I'm not even...
- [laughter]
- I'm not thinking about it.
So, he starts massaging me.
And because I think
it's a massage, you know,
I start falling asleep.
I wake up ten minutes later
with a finger in my ass.
[laughter]
I kn-- For a minute I was like,
"I'm being raped!"
And I thought, "Oh no, that's right.
I paid for it."
[laughter]
I did, I paid for it, and...
- I tipped, so...
- [laughter]
It's so funny.
I called my friend Mitch afterwards.
I was like, "How dare you
send me to this place!"
He's like,
"Did you have a good time?"
Like, "Of course, I had a good time!"
[laughter]
I should be doing something though.
I should be getting massages.
I should do yoga, I should stretch,
I should do something, but I don't.
I'm lazy.
I-- I go to the gym.
But even going-- like, that--
the gym was such a hard hill
for me to get over,
because I'm not a sports person.
I never was a sports person.
I'm not comfortable
in sports environments, like...
You know, like, for example,
when I was a kid,
I would've love to play sports--
hockey, soccer, something.
But the dads, the kids, and coaches
were so mean and homophobic,
I'm like, "Ugh, fine, I'll sing."
- So...
- [laughter]
Because here's the thing, I-- my--
and I know I'm generalizing here.
Like, clap if you're a straight man.
[light scattered applause]
[chuckles]
Gays, get 'em! No, I...
- [laughter]
- I'm teasing.
But this is how it happens, I, uh...
[laughter]
I know, and I know
I'm generalizing here, okay?
But in my mind, like,
when straight guys go to the gym,
they maybe started
when they were like 15.
They're with their like, coach,
or friends, or you know, soccer, whatever.
So, they start at 15 and the trajectory
is just-- it's easier for them.
They-- they go with their friends,
they get more confident.
Now, it's a place they look better.
Now, they go all the time.
Now, it's social.
But I do notice, they get married,
they turn 30, they have kids.
That's when the gays swoop in, um...
- [laughter]
- We come out of the woodwork.
We're like, "The coast is clear!"
Um...
[laughter]
But even to this day, I don't know
how to talk to straight guys at the gym.
Like, I just don't have the same energy.
There's a trainer at my--
he's not my trainer,
but there's a trainer at my gym.
His name is Giovanni,
he's from the Bronx, he's Latino.
Very scary, like a top.
And, uh...
[laughter]
We see each other every single day.
You know, when you see someone every day,
you acknowledge each other.
But the way he acknowledges me,
he just walks up and goes...
And I don't know how to respond,
so I'm just like...
[laughter]
[exhales deeply]
[sighs heavily]
I answer questions
he hasn't even asked me.
He's like, [deep voice] "Hey."
[normal] "Good, thanks."
[laughter]
One time I was working out,
it was shoulder day.
So, I'm sitting there,
I'm doing-- I'm doing shoulders,
and, uh, I'm looking in the mirror.
And the biggest guy at the gym,
I mean, he was a centaur.
This man was giant,
and he was approaching me.
I mean, I felt like Josie Grossie.
I was like "Prom?" Um...
[laughter]
He walks up to me and he was like,
[deep voice] "Hey, can you spot me?"
[normal] I'm like, "Good, thanks."
No. [laughs]
- [laughter]
- I didn't say that.
So, I walk up to the bench press.
You guys, it's like--
it was 1,000 pounds on each side.
I mean, the amount of weight--
I wanted to be like,
"Sir, you have a better chance
of surviving asking the wind to spot you."
[laughter]
[laughing]
So...
So, I go behind him,
and I just put my hands out like that,
'cause I've seen other people
do it, um...
[laughter]
And the thing I love about straight guys,
you were never taught shame.
So, your first push,
you're at the Olympics,
You're like, "Yeah!"
You know, and I'm panicking.
I'm like, "Oh, it's just me
and my gay weak hands.
The only thing that's keeping
this man alive!"
[laughter]
Because if this falls, he dies,
and I'm just running around
like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage,
like, "Paramedic!"
I just... dance.
[applause]
Oh!
It was such a relief when it was over.
He was like, "Thanks, man."
I'm like, "Never again!"
[laughter]
I decided I'm gonna get a trainer, right?
That'll give me confidence.
I'll know what I'm doing.
I don't feel so lost in the gym.
And the process of getting
a trainer is fun.
You just walk up to the manager,
you're like, "I want a trainer."
They open up a book,
show you pictures,
and I'm like, "He's hot." Um...
- [laughter]
- I pick this guy.
I picked the scariest looking guy.
He had a big beard, backwards hat,
his name was Damon.
And then I just started
having fantasies.
I'm like, it's-- it's gonna be like
a Ricki Lake episode.
- Like...
- [laughter]
You know, like,
"My mom can't control me.
I'm 13,"
I'm like, "Fuck you," you know?
And then, like,
a drill sergeant comes out
and screaming at me, and I'm crying.
It was just a fantasy, so I...
[laughter]
So, I went to go meet him, right,
the very first day.
Never met him before.
I walk up, I'm like,
"Hey, Damon, my name is Matteo."
You know, "How was your weekend?"
And he goes, [in Australian accent]
"Oh, I think my dog is sick,
and I'm really upset about it."
[laughter]
[singing]
This is what dreams are made of
[applause]
He's so gay and Australian,
I love him so much.
I did decide, I was like,
I'm gonna tell Giovanni,
the other trainer, that I have
a joke about him, just 'cause--
'Cause I think if I have a joke
about someone, they should know,
and... [chuckles] Mariah's not
gotten back to me, but...
[laughter]
Hey, Mariah.
[laughing] You know.
But I went up to him and I was like,
"Hey, you know,
my name is Matteo, I'm a comedian."
And, you know, I just
sort of explained the joke,
and he didn't really respond.
But now, every time I see him
at the gym, he does this.
[laughter]
[exhales sharply]
[applause continues]
I really want to fuck him.
[laughter]
Yeah, it's so funny writing standup.
Everyone does it so differently.
You know, some people have a whole hour
and they talk about some trauma,
or they have, like, a through-line.
And I always felt like
my standup was more just like,
we're catching up at brunch, you know,
I don't know, it's just light.
[chuckles]
Maybe I'm a bad writer, but, uh...
- [laughter]
- It's hard,
because I really do just talk
about my life.
And-- and there's some things
I really do want to talk about.
And something I've wanted to talk about
is the fact that I'm Mexican.
- And my mother is Ital...
- [audience member cheers]
- Hola. [laughing]
- [cheering and applause]
It's funny,
my mom's Italian and Mexican,
so it just makes me look like Jafar
if he came out of the closet and...
- [laughter]
- [in deep voice] "Prince Abubu."
[normal] You know he's, like, so gay.
[laughing]
Jafar was gay.
Remember he had that one wish?
He was like, [in deep voice]
"I wish for Princess Jasmine
to fall desperately in love with me."
[normal]
I'm like, "Girl, we've all had that wish."
- [laughter]
- So gay.
- [scattered applause]
- [Matteo laughing]
You know who--
we'll get back to Mexicans.
You know who else is gay?
Mufasa.
- Okay, so...
- [laughter]
Mufasa's gay.
Okay, I know Scar's gay.
We're skipping over Scar.
Okay, so there's a scene
where Mufasa's yelling at Scar,
and then Zazu shows up, and...
[chuckles]
Zazu's also gay, so...
[laughter]
[singing]
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Like, whoa, Mary! Okay, so...
[laughter]
Zazu lands on Mufasa's shoulder,
they start having a kiki about Scar and...
- [laughter]
- Zazu's making a joke about Scar.
He's like,
"He'd make a very nice throw rug!"
And Mufasa from totally butch goes,
"Oh, Zazu!"
- I'm like, "Gay!"
- [laughter]
I see it, I see it.
- Okay, one more, alright.
- [laughter]
Just one more.
I just really think that magic mirror
- from Snow White is so gay.
- [laughter]
Am I wrong? Right?
First of all, I was that mirror
in high school.
I was telling all my best girlfriends,
like, "You are the prettiest."
- Like, I know that...
- [laughter]
I know that life, you know?
But this mirror was a bitch.
This mirror knew that
that queen was crazy.
And all he had to do
to keep things running smoothly
was be like, "You're the best,
you're the best."
And one day, she came up
and she was like,
"Who is the fairest in the land?"
"That bitch. Get her!"
You know.
- [laughter]
- [chuckles] "Go."
I am part Mexican,
and, uh, I do speak Spanish.
I learned Italian first,
and now when I speak Spanish,
I have a really thick Italian accent.
So, every time I talk to other Latinos,
they're always like...
[chuckles]
"You sound like Mario."
[laughter]
"Yo tengo una pregunta. Wahoo!"
You know.
- [laughter]
- "Wha! Hoo! Wha!"
The reason I don't know anything
about my Mexican family,
uh, it's a very telenovela story.
But I guess the best way
to describe it is, um,
so a couple years ago,
I did this Mexican TV show
- called Noches con Platanito.
- [scattered laughter]
There are some Mexicans in here.
Okay, so... [laughing]
Uh, it means "Night of the Little Banana."
And, um, it's super Mexican.
It's hosted by a clown.
It makes no sense.
Anyway, so I knew
when I was going on to the show,
the producer said,
"He's gonna ask about your grandpa."
My grandpa's Mexican.
So, I get there.
First question is like,
[in Mexican accent]
"Okay, so your grandpa is Mexican,
so that means you are Mexican,
so tell us about your grandpa."
[normal] And I was like,
"Yes, that's true.
"You know, my grandpa's from Jalisco,
- and, uh, you know..."
- [scattered cheers]
- Mis primos.
- [laughter]
- Wahoo, you know. Uh...
- [laughter]
But, uh, you know, I said, "That's true.
"You know, my grandpa's family
is from Jalisco, Mexico.
"But, you know,
I-- I never got to know them
"because, you see, my, uh, grandpa
"and my grandma had five kids together.
"And at the same time, he had
five kids with another woman.
- [light laughter]
- And named them all the same names."
[audience]
Ohh!
That's how I thought Noches
were going to respond.
And instead, he goes,
[in Mexican accent]
"Your grandpa's very smart."
[laughter and applause]
[normal] So, I have been connecting more
with my Mexican heritage.
My husband's from Mexico,
so I was going back and forth a lot
when we were long-distance dating.
He lives in New York now, and, uh,
I have noticed, though,
every single time I go to Mexico,
there's always a problem.
Every single time.
The last time I went to Mexico
before he moved to the States,
I was in San Antonio, Texas, and--
- [audience member cheers]
- No, and...
[laughter and applause]
- [cheering and applause]
- No.
- It's lovely there, so...
- [laughter]
[chuckles] But literally, I-I go
to the airport, I'm flying Air Mexico.
I walk up, all of the signs, like,
"delayed, delayed, delayed, delayed."
I'm like, "What is going on?
Why are we delayed?"
And they go,
"Oh, a volcano's gone off in Mexico City,
"so we just don't know
how long it's gonna take
before we can get out of here."
Now, usually, when you hear
a volcano's gone off at your destination,
you're like, "I should
reschedule this trip."
[laughter]
But... I had already douched.
[laughter]
[scattered cheers]
So, I walked up to the front desk
and I was like, "Hi, sir.
[chuckles]
"I know there's a volcano going off,
"but, um, I douched.
"And, uh, you might not know
what that means,
"but I'm sure there's a flight attendant
back there that does, so...
[laughter and applause]
"So, I've got about three hours
to work with here, and, uh...
"If you need help,
I'm fresh, so just send me
and I'll sit on the volcano and..."
[laughter]
The one straight guy's like...
[in deep voice]
"I don't know what he's talking about."
[laughter]
[normal]
We were delayed seven and a half hours.
- [audience groans]
- Seven and a half hours.
I know, and-- and I was
the only American there.
Everybody else was Mexican.
And I was kind of fascinated,
because they had lined up
like a mini little army.
It was two-by-two in wheelchairs.
All these gra-- all these abuelas
in these wheelchairs,
just 16 Cocos, just...
[laughter and applause]
- [sings] Remember me
- [laughter]
And I was watching them.
No cell phone, no iPhone, nothing.
Seven and a half hours,
they're just like...
[laughter and light applause]
We're just waiting,
we're waiting for the pilot
to come out and tell us,
are we gonna go, are we not gonna go?
You know, finally,
after seven and a half hours,
the pilot emerges, this tiny little man
who's so dramatic.
He could have just told us right there,
but he had to make
this big walk to the podium.
So, he comes up, he gets to the speaker,
and he goes,
[in Mexican accent]
"Hey.
Okay, everyone. Vamos."
[laughter]
[normal]
That means, "Let's go."
So, we get on the plane, everyone's happy.
Remember me
And, um, now we're sitting
on the plane.
We're sitting on the plane
for, like, an hour.
So now, it's like, if you fly a lot,
you know, you're like,
something's wrong.
So, we're waiting,
we're waiting, we're waiting.
They get on the announcement,
"This flight is canceled."
- [audience groans]
- I know.
Now, usually, when your flight
is canceled,
Delta, United, whatever,
even Spirit, they will email you
and they will say to you,
"Here is your new boarding pass.
This is your new flight time.
We will see..."
This is the most Mexican shit
that's ever happened to me.
You cannot make this up.
Before they let us get off the plane,
the pilot gets back on the announcement
and he goes...
[in Mexican accent]
"Uh...
[laughter]
"Okay, everyone.
"Eh...
"I'm just going
to leave the plane here.
"So...
[laughter]
"Just come back tomorrow morning.
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckling]
- And we'll go."
- [laughter]
[laughing] It's...
Is my Uncle Mike flying the plane?
And it was funny, we came--
They literally--
We just brought our old boarding pass
all crinkled up next morning,
like, "Yeah, yeah, Air Mexico."
And it was so funny, everyone--
same people, same outfits.
It was like you were at a resort.
You're like, "Hi," you know, um...
- [laughter]
- Anyways, off to Mexico we went.
And I got to say, if you have not
been to Mexico City, go.
It is the most incredible city
on the face of the planet.
- Go. The people are unbelievable.
- [cheering and applause]
It's so beaut--
And, you know, growing up
with an Italian cultural background,
I didn't realize how similar
Italians and Mexicans were.
I mean, big families, great food,
Catholicism...
[in deep voice] ...drama.
You know, it's...
[normal] My husband
would say he's not dramatic,
but one time,
we were walking up the stairs
and he had like a couple drinks earlier,
so he was wobbling.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
Rodrigo, don't fall."
And he goes, "I will never fall."
[laughter]
It's like, okay, Puss in Boots, so...
[laughter]
At this point, I think I just married him
'cause he doesn't snore.
That's all it takes.
That's all. I'm 38.
You don't-- Clap if you have
a partner that snores.
[applause]
[scattered cheers]
People that snore are selfish.
[laughter]
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Just 12 hours of...
[imitating snoring]
Choking on a thousand
goddamn dicks.
I mean, what is wrong with you?
And no one, no one wakes up
more refreshed in the morning
than someone that hasn't
breathed the entire night.
Their lungs have collapsed,
their neck is blue, they wake up.
[sings]
Good mornin'
[laughter]
And when you sleep
next to someone that snores,
there's one thing
and one thing only you can do.
You have to hit them.
You hit them, and then they go...
[quick choking]
[laughter]
And now, you've got 30 to 50 seconds
to try and get to sleep.
[laughter]
So, he doesn't snore, but he does
do something really strange.
And it's two things.
He talks in his sleep.
But every time, without fail,
he's always laughing.
The talking's fine.
I mean, that's kind of cute.
Someone's talking in their sleep,
it's like... [mumbling]
You're like, "Oh, that's so cute.
They're dreaming."
It's the laughter.
[laughter]
It's midnight.
The room is dark.
[laughter]
And out of nowhere...
[in Mexican accent] "Ha ha ha!
No, no. I want the big one."
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
[normal] When it's in English, it's fine,
you know, I understand what's going on.
But he's bilingual,
so sometimes it's Spanish.
And when he speaks Spanish,
his voice drops a whole octave.
So now, it's this demonic presence
next to me, just...
[speaking Spanish in deep voice]
[demonic laughter]
[applause]
Is it still the big one?
[laughter]
- One-- one time-- look how quiet it got.
- [laughter]
Once-- one time he was, uh--
Sometimes I fuck with him
when he sleeps, and, uh...
He was sleeping and he was talking,
and he goes, um, he's like...
[chuckles]
"Yeah, three."
[laughter]
And I was like, "What's three?"
And he goes, [in Mexican accent]
"Three is bigger than two."
[laughter]
[normal]
Okay, Mariah Carey, so...
[laughter and applause]
I love Mariah Carey, I think
she's the best singer in the world.
She writes all of her own music.
I can't get enough of her.
I've seen her live 12 times, and, uh...
I know, we shouldn't be called lambs.
We should be called enablers, um...
[laughter]
My one issue with Mariah,
she's always late.
That's the problem. She is always late.
I went to go see her
Christmas show last year
at Madison Square Garden,
and she was two hours late.
Two hours.
Not even like an hour 40.
Not even an hour fif--
two hours on the dot.
And there was like
30,000 people there.
So, we're all waiting.
[chuckling]
Actually, at one point it got quiet,
and you hear this gay guy yell,
"Your hair looks fine!"
[laughter]
He was dressed like an
elf on a shelf, and, uh...
- [laughter]
- She always has the same opener.
She has this DJ.
[laughing]
This DJ comes out
and he asks us a question.
We always say "Whoo!"
Or if you're French, "Yes," and...
- [laughter]
- Then he plays 30 seconds of a song.
You know, it's fun, right?
So, he's like,
"Where are my '80s babies at?"
We're like, "Whoo!"
He's like, "Who loves Whitney Houston?"
We're like, "We do!"
[sings]
I want to dance with
"Mariah's coming out in 15 minutes."
- [in deep voice] Two hours later...
- [laughter]
[normal]
This man has played every song he owns.
There's literally nothing--
He's gone through iTunes, Spotify,
Apple Music, he's downloading LimeWire.
- I mean, the man has run out.
- [laughter]
You can tell he's running out of music
when he's like, "Uh... uh...
[sucks teeth] Who loves Bach?"
Like it was just so...
[laughter]
So, finally, you know,
Mariah comes out, right?
And it's so dramatic,
she comes out from the ceiling.
Like, I thought we were at Wicked.
Like, I just...
I thought it was Glinda.
[singing]
Let us be glad
Except she could not do that.
And, uh...
- [audience reacts]
- Oh, she lip-synced for her life, and I...
[laughter and jeers]
It was the most expensive
drag show I've ever been to.
[laughter and applause]
I'm kidding, Mariah does not lip sync.
I really mean that.
She's a phenomenal singer.
I went to-- okay, this is an insane story.
And I have to say this legally,
because her lawyers are crazy.
This is a true story.
2016, I went to go see
her Christmas concert at
the Beacon Theater in New York City,
twice in a week, and, uh, I went--
oh, that isn't embarrassing.
I went the first time
'cause I bought myself tickets.
I went the second time
'cause my friends bought me tickets,
so of course I wanted to go.
So, I go the first time.
She wasn't even late.
Forty-five minutes late.
- She was right on time.
- [laughter]
And the show was phenomenal.
I mean, the voice is phenomenal.
She looks amazing, I mean, it was just
an incredible concert, right?
So, I go the next night,
and I bring my best friend Evan,
who's straight
and a recovering coke addict.
This does come into play. So...
[laughter]
Now, we're sitting in the second row.
Okay, we've got great seats.
So, she's doing the whole concert,
la-la-la, this and that.
You know she's singing great.
And at one point, she goes,
"I'm gonna bring out a special guest."
And 'cause I went the night before,
I'm like, "Oh, she doesn't know
that I know, and they don't know
that I know it's John Legend."
So, keep in mind this is 2016.
She goes, "This next person
coming to the stage,
"they're such a dear,
dear friend of mine.
"They're such a talented songwriter.
Please, welcome to the stage,
R. Kelly."
[audience gasps]
I turned to Evan and I said,
"Are we in the splash zone?"
[laughter]
First of all, these two don't even belong
on the same stage together.
Mariah is 45
in a quinceaera dress, and...
[laughter]
You know what I'm talking about.
[laughter and applause]
And R. Kelly is dressed up like
Jada Pinkett Smith in The Matrix.
I don't even know
what's happening anymore.
And then, the song
they're singing with each other is...
[singing] Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire
And the gays next to us
are doing cocaine.
- Now...
- [laughter]
Gays, here's the thing.
Doing cocaine at a normal
Mariah concert is humili--
No one's doing cocaine to Dreamlover.
But at a Christmas concert,
I mean, she's literally like...
- Christmas time
- [snorting]
- Just...
- [laughter]
You know those gays left their house,
they're like...
[singing]
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
I turned to my friend Evan and I said,
"Don't you dare relapse
at a Mariah Carey Christmas concert!"
[laughter]
[Matteo laughs]
Can you imagine him, 16 years sober,
walking into AA, throwing his chip down,
they're like, "Oh, my God, Evan.
What happened?"
[sucking teeth]
[in deep voice] "Mariah."
- [normal] You know, just...
- [laughter]
Same.
I love Mariah, I mean, when you--
those kinds of--
those divas, you know what I mean?
Just something happens
to them after a while,
they become deities,
and, you know, because--
Oh, this is an insane story.
So, I was performing
in Vegas last year,
and I don't like performing in Vegas.
I don't like casinos, I don't like Vegas.
But when you perform
at a casino, the promoters,
they always try and, like,
sweeten the deal.
They wanna compete
with the other casinos,
make sure that you always
come back to them.
So, when I get there--
I guess 'cause I'm gay,
their deal for me,
I get there, they're like,
"Matteo, welcome to Vegas.
We're so excited to have you.
"As a special treat,
we got you free tickets
to see Katy Perry
in concert tonight."
And I was like, "That's okay," um...
[laughter]
- [Matteo laughing]
- [applause]
I don't mind Katy Perry, I just--
I was in, you know, I'm in Vegas.
I had other things to do, and they're
like, "Well, there's a meet-and-greet."
I was like, "What time?"
You know, so...
I go-- oh, and I brought
my best friend Evan
from the Mariah Carey
Christmas concert.
So, I go, and we go to this,
like, Katy Perry basement,
you know, and it's all
decorated and stuff.
And her manager grabbed us,
I felt very important.
He brings me right up to Katy,
who looks great,
and he was like,
"Uh, Katy, this is Matteo Lane.
"He's a comedian.
He's performing in Vegas.
Matteo, this is Katy Perry."
And she goes, [in high-pitched voice]
"Oh! A comedian."
[normal] I go, "Hey."
She goes...
[gasps]
[deep-voiced] "A gay comedian."
[laughter and applause]
[normal] I was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "This is my friend Evan.
He's opening for me."
She goes... [gasps]
"Another gay."
And he goes, "Oh, I'm not gay."
She goes... [chuckles] "Right."
[laughter]
- [Matteo laughing]
- [applause]
I have it on video.
I should post that.
- [laughter]
- [audience member] Yeah!
We left early, that--
we were really hungry, um...
- [laughter]
- Well, she's dancing with, like,
giant hot dogs and hamburgers.
I'm like, "I am starving," you know.
[laughter]
She does seem like
she has a good sense of humor.
I mean, there must be
somebody in her life
still sort of pulling her
down to earth, because--
I think all your friends should be
making fun of you at all times.
Everyone need-- like, they should.
My group of friends,
my crew is way too mean.
This is a hideous story.
This is how bad we are.
One time, my friend--
this is so horrible.
One time, my friend Patty
was arrested for punching a cop.
- And, uh...
- [laughter]
What's funny is Patty is 5'4"
with long red hair, and we had the video.
So, just like, this gay leprechaun
was running
after this police officer
sounding like Miss Piggy, like,
[imitating Miss Piggy] "Hiya!"
You know, so...
[laughter]
[normal]
Of course, he gets arrested, you know?
So, Bob and I had to go downtown
and bail him out.
And this is so mean,
but we made sure
when we brought him back home,
that the second he opened the door,
we had the Cell Block Tango
from the musical Chicago playing.
- [laughter]
- [Matteo chuckles]
He opens the door.
"Pop! Shit! Cicero!"
[singing]
He had it coming, he only--
[laughter]
And even Patty had a good sense
of humor about it.
We were like, "Oh, my God,
Patty, what was jail like?"
He was like, "Honestly, I douched earlier
'cause I thought I was going on a date.
And I looked around and I thought,
this might be the full fantasy."
[laughter and scattered applause]
My friends and I, we don't go out.
We're not a going-out group.
I mean, no one drinks
and no one does drugs.
We just kind of hang out at home,
watch YouTube, play Fortnite.
So, it's very rare
when we decide to go out.
And one time, my friend Patty,
for his birthday,
he's like, "We're going to this club
and everyone's coming with!"
So, we go.
I usually dress something--
I'm like-- like always
a deli worker or something, and...
- [laughter]
- I brought my friend Nick.
I'm sure you guys know Nick.
And Nick looked like...
[cheering and applause]
I was with a 6'4" haunted
Victorian doll, and...
[laughter]
He's always dressed
like a Chinese vase, and, uh...
[laughter]
So, you know, we're on the dance floor
and we're trying to dance and stuff,
but everyone's head is around here.
Nick is, you know, way up there.
And, uh, and, you know, Nick is so tall.
He's not used to seeing
taller people than him.
And so, this one guy who was so tall,
he was taller than Nick, walked by.
And I just see Nick's face do that.
And I go, "Nick, what's that about?"
He goes, "Who the fuck
let Frankenstein in here?"
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
That same night-- so, we were sitting down
because we're in our 30s,
and, uh, that same night, you know,
they had all these Go-Go bo-- and I love--
There's nothing better to me
than a Go-Go boy.
So, they had all these Go-Go boys, right?
Now, in New York,
it is illegal to get naked, okay?
You have to have something
covering something.
So, this Go-Go boy gets on the table
and then just starts
getting completely naked.
But he was still wearing
his socks with Birkenstocks.
[scattered laughter]
So, the gayest thing
about this entire situation
wasn't the fact that his hole was out.
It was that the other gays
around him were like,
[snarky]
"Look at those fucking shoes!"
[laughter]
[normal] But this is really special.
I mean, I know it's a special,
but this is special for me.
I've been doing standup
for 16 years, and it's...
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah. It's a long time.
[cheering and applause continue]
[Matteo giggles]
It's-- it's funny because, you know,
people always ask me,
like in interviews and stuff, like,
"Oh, so how do you
get started in standup?"
And I guess it's a pretty fair question,
'cause it--
this is-- everything about this
is strange, you know?
And it's not like you just write something
and then one day you're on stage.
You know, it's just years and years
of being at open mics
which, if you don't know what
an open mic is, you're in a basement
with 60 other wannabe comics,
you put your name in a bucket.
After you wait two hours,
you get to go up.
You could do two minutes.
You have to do that every night
for years and years.
Then eventually, you work your way up
to something called bar shows,
which for us as comics, oh, glamorous.
"I have a-- I have a show.
I have a bar show."
But a bar show just means people
are at a bar having a good time,
and then we ruin it, um...
[laughter]
The thing is, you know, I'm gay,
and it's like... [sighs]
I had to come out every single night.
That's a weird thing.
You have to come out
every single night.
And it was just trying to find
new ways of coming out,
and make it funny, and coming out
over and over again.
You would think I don't have to say it.
I look gay, I sound gay.
But if you don't bring it up,
you can feel the tension in the room.
They're like, "Is he German?"
Like, it's just so...
[laughter]
I was so sick of coming up with jokes
that I would just walk on stage
and say, "Thanks so much,
I'm obviously gay,"
and just sort of move it along.
So, my career's going very well now,
but it wasn't going so well
about four years ago
'cause I-- this is-- this is sort of where
I was four years ago career-wise, guys.
I remember it was April of 2021,
and my agent called,
and the pandemic
had just started slowing down,
so they were reopening comedy clubs.
And my agent called and he goes,
"Hey, Matteo, uh, they're reopening
a comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona,
and they have to retrain the staff.
They just need anybody on stage."
- [laughter]
- I was like, "I'll be there!"
So... so, I get there.
And now, keep in mind,
I do this every single night
and so not doing it for a year, I mean,
I was like, I don't even know what to say.
Like all my notes said
was "Liza Minnelli."
- I had nowhere to go.
- [laughter]
I could do an hour of Liza Minnelli jokes.
Anyway, so all I had
was my opening joke.
"Thanks so much.
I'm obviously gay," right?
So, I'm backstage,
and I hear the host call my name.
He's like, "Welcome to the stage,
Matteo Lane."
So, I walk out, I'm like,
"Hi, thanks so much. I'm obviously gay."
And a man in the front row
looks up and goes, "What?"
[laughter]
And I was so not cool about it.
Like, I was so rusty
that I didn't have a quick comeback.
And I just go, "Oh, um...
you don't like gays?"
[laughter]
And he goes, "No."
[laughter]
And he was with his wife, and usually
women are a little nicer to gays.
So I go, "Do you like gays?"
And she goes... [sighs]
[laughter]
It's like, "Okay, well...
I can't leave."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
But I said, "If you don't want
to stay, you can go."
And they did, they got up
and they just walked right out.
But there was one gay
in the audience.
God bless this gay man.
He was sitting in the aisle,
and as they were walking out,
I could see him, like, gain--
you know gays, when we get the strength.
- So...
- [laughter]
They were getting closer,
and the second they pass him,
he just goes, "And stay out!"
[cheering and applause]
Thank you so much, Los Angeles.
- This is amazing. Thank you.
- [cheering and applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause continue]
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Goodnight.
[cheering and applause continue]
[indistinct chatter]
- [speaker] He's back, he's back.
- [overlapping chatter]
Okay. Whoo!
Alright, what did I miss?
- I'm winning.
- Oh, she's getting better.
Oh, she's getting way better,
okay, so just give it a shot.
[jazz music playing]
Alright, I'm supposed to do pick-ups.
So, where's my--
where's my director Jared?
[Jared Lapidus] [over speakers]
Okay, so let's go ahead
and pick up, uh, the transition
from New Zealand to Uber,
uh, then wanna get a little bit
more lead in on that.
So, when you say,
"I travel so much for this job
and I'm in Ubers all the time," and then
just go into the first Uber joke.
- Wait, what?
- [laughter]
I didn't even know that
that was the transition, okay.
[Jared] I just want to get the bridge
between New Zealand--
the New Zealand bit and...
- Okay.
- ...and get to the Uber bit.
Okay, so I'll just finish
the New Zealand bit
- and then get into Uber.
- [Jared] That's exactly it.
[laughter]
- New Zealand's gonna hate me, okay.
- [laughter]
Okay, alright.
Uh, [in New Zealand accent]
"You go there and you go there.
Problem solved!"
[normal] Like, psycho. My God.
I don't even remember how I get
into the next joke, Jared, I'm so sorry.
[laughter and applause]
[laughing] I don't remember.
[cheering and applause]
I swear to you,
I don't remember, Jared.
[laughter]
I'm so humiliated.
Can we have more fog?
- Okay, so...
- [laughter]
[jazz music playing]
[video game cars zooming]
[overlapping chatter]
[speaker]
No, no, no, no. Oh, come on!
Come on, he's cheating! He's cheating.
- How does he keep winning?
- He has the good controller.
Alright, you guys,
I'm gonna be right back.
- [overlapping chatter]
- Jesus, people.
- It's a madhouse.
- [overlapping chatter continues]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Matteo Lane!
- [cheering and applause]
- Hi!
Hello.
- [cheering and applause continue]
- Hello.
[jazz music playing]
[Matteo laughs]
Oh, my God.
- Look, this is a very important night.
- [music stops]
We have a lot of things to discuss.
Um, white women.
[laughter]
Look, white women,
during the day...
you're fine.
[laughter]
You're fine.
You know, you're in HR, you're in PR.
[laughter]
You're fine. Everything is fine.
It's just...
- you have one sip of a ros...
- [laughter]
and you're like,
"Tonight's about...
[in deep voice]
...me."
[laughter]
[normal] What is happening to you?
First of all,
we all know the sound
of a drunk white woman, right?
Because we--
You do!
And here's the thing.
It's not that it's loud.
That's not it. It's piercing.
- [laughter]
- It's piercing.
You know the sound.
If you take a drunk white woman,
you put her 50 feet underground
in a military base,
you're still gonna hear,
"French fries?"
- Like, it's just...
- [laughter]
Yes.
This is what I've noticed, too.
Every single conversation
with white women,
it is all the exact same.
Every single one.
It doesn't matter where you are,
what country you're in,
what time of day,
it's always gonna be,
"I was telling Joanne the other day
that she's not gonna be going..."
[laughter]
You don't have to go to them
to finish the conversation.
You can go to any other group
of white women,
they will finish
the conversation for you.
"She was saying that I'm not
doing my job, but I said..."
[laughter]
I was in Rome a couple of months
ago and, uh...
- [chuckles] Ciao, and...
- [laughter]
[laughing]
I saw these three white girls walking.
They were probably like 19, 20.
I mean, you know, young,
probably their first time in Rome.
They feel like adults.
And they're all eating gelato
and they're walking,
and the girl on the right goes,
[Valley Girl accent] "This gelato's better
than the gelato we had yesterday."
[normal]
And the girl in the middle goes...
[scoffs]
[Valley Girl accent]
"Another win for TikTok!"
[laughter]
[normal] I hope she's dead.
That...
- [applause]
- I hope...
This would be another win
for TikTok, I...
And what's funny is like, I'm--
okay, so my TikTok and Instagram,
I don't know how this happened,
but like, my algorithm,
it's just turned into
white women cooking pasta.
[laughing] I don't know how
I've gotten here.
I mean-- and I know Italians are white.
I'm just talking about Sara,
not Maria, um...
- [laughter]
- So, this is how old I--
I didn't know that there were,
like, trending recipes.
I didn't realize that this was the thing.
But the-- the recipe I see
over and over and over again,
it's always the same thing,
it's olive oil, onion, garlic,
tomato paste, like, uh,
heavy whipping cream, fresh mozzarella,
and like, fusilli, you know.
And the pasta, whatever,
it's fine, I'm sure.
But I saw this woman, she was
entering the video, and she goes,
[Valley Girl accent]
"If you wanna make that meal
that's gonna make him, 'Mm!'"
[laughter]
[normal] This woman has no friends,
because...
[laughter]
Your friends hold you
accountable, don't they?
I mean, if I made a pasta video
and I entered it by being like,
[Valley Girl accent] "If you want to make
that meal that's gonna make him, 'Mm,'"
[normal] and I saw my friends
later that day, they'd be like,
"What in the faggotry
are you talking about?"
[laughter and applause]
It's so funny.
I love going to Italy, I go so--
Is anyone here from Italy?
Not Long Island.
[laughter]
I go to Italy all the time.
And what's funny is I--
I'm always writing jokes about Italy.
And then I realize,
for all the years that I've been going,
I've never done anything,
like, gay in Italy, and--
- Well...
- [laughter]
I just mean, they're conservative,
I guess that's what I mean.
But they have the Vatican there.
The Vatican.
Just men in dresses, like,
"No girls allowed." Um...
[laughter]
So gay, but...
[laughing] You're so gay.
I just mean, like,
I've never gone on a date before.
The only time I went on a date in Italy,
it was three years ago.
I was in Rome, and I was talking
to this guy named Giuseppe,
and, uh... [laughing]
Pinocchio's cousin, and...
[laughter]
And I was texting him
when I was at my hotel.
And then, he-- when he got there,
he texted me, he goes,
[with Italian accent]
"I'm downstairs," and, uh...
[scattered laughter]
[normal]
His text had that accent, so...
[laughter]
I go downstairs,
and it's just so classic Rome.
Like, it's just--
he's literally leaning on a red Vespa.
And I said out loud, I'm like,
"Am I Lizzie McGuire?"
[laughter and applause]
Just on the back of the Vespa,
like, "Sing to me, Paolo!"
[singing]
This is what dreams are made of
By the way, I rewatched that movie.
Paolo is fully Mexican and...
[laughter]
[laughing] A hundred--
if you could see the outtakes,
I'm sure they're like,
"And action."
"Hola, Lizzie."
"Cut!"
Every time I go to Italy, though,
something happens.
This is crazy.
So, a year ago-- this-- alright.
I met the most famous woman in the world
when I was in Rome last year.
So, I'm hanging out with my friend
Daniele Gattano, who's an Italian comic.
He's-- he's very funny. He's also gay.
He's basically me, but there.
- And, uh...
- [laughter]
We went to this restaurant
and it wasn't even, like,
a fancy restaurant, just a restaurant.
And they were like,
"Do you wanna eat inside or outside?"
We're like, "We'll eat outside."
You know, it's a nice day.
So, we go outside,
and he's sitting across from me,
and he just starts to panic, he's like...
[gasping, stammering]
[with Italian accent]
"Uh, Matteo.
Eh, Matteo. Matteo. Matteo.
Matteo. Matteo."
I'm like, "What? What is it?
What? What's going on? What?"
[in Italian accent]
"Opfra. Opfra, Matteo, Opfra."
[normal] I'm like, "Opfra?
What's an Opfra?" He's like,
[Italian accent] "Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!
Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!"
[laughter]
[normal] They call Oprah "Opfra,"
I don't know why.
So, I turn around, I look.
It's fucking Opfra!
Oprah goddamn Winfrey-- by the way,
born and raised in Chicago, 25 years.
I never ran into the bitch once.
I'm in Rome...
- [laughter]
- [scoffs] It's Oprah.
So... now, I'm thinking to myself,
I'm like, "Okay, I have to say
something to Oprah, right?"
I can't-- by the way,
when you see a celebrity,
you don't wanna hold them hostage.
Just give 'em
a drive-by compliment, okay?
But I'm like, what can I say to, like,
encapsulate everything that I am
that I'm thinking, right?
That I'm gay, I'm American,
and she looks great, so...
[laughter]
[laughing] I'm thinkin'.
So, she's walking in.
She's, like, this close to me.
I take off my sunglasses.
We make direct eye contact,
and I go, "You better work."
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and applause]
I-- right?
I-- and I swear to God,
you know what she said to me?
I swear to God, she goes,
"You better work!"
Swear to God. Swear to God.
[applause]
[laughs] And she did,
she made us meatballs, uh...
[laughing]
No. I love going to Italy.
And you know, it's funny, last summer,
I went-- I always go to Sicily.
I have a lot of family
and friends in Sicily.
And, uh, I went to Sicily last year,
and I went with my friend Giovanni.
And in, um, the northeast part of Sicily,
uh, they have these tiny islands,
like a cluster of islands,
and one of them is called Lipari.
Really, really small.
And I went with my friend Giovanni,
and we get there,
and, you know, everyone's like,
"Oh, if you want to eat,
"you have to go to this restaurant,
it's called Trattoria Siciliana.
It's the best.
That's where you go eat."
So, 7 p.m., we show up,
we get to the restaurant.
It's packed, right?
Obviously, it's the only place to eat.
So, we see there's one table open
with two chairs.
So, we go to the woman working there
who's in her early hundreds, and...
[laughter]
That's the thing with Italian women,
I don't-- they're either like 25 or 92.
There's like nothing in between.
They're either like a long,
gorgeous model in Milan
or they're E.T. in a housecoat, so...
[laughter]
[laughing] It's...
[laughing]
Remember when they put E.T. in drag?
[laughter]
That's my nonna, so...
[laughter]
[chuckles] So, we walk up to her,
and in Italian, you know,
we're like, "Hey, like, you know,
there's a seat open. Can we go?"
She's like, "Okay."
So, she's walking us to the table.
So-- she walks like Mariah Carey
in her Christmas concert
- and just barely get to...
- [laughter and applause]
...table.
[laughing]
We'll get to Mariah in a minute.
- I have stories, so...
- [laughter]
So, we get to the table
and then, in the chair--
I don't even know if this is a joke,
it's just what happened.
There's a cat in the chair,
and she just goes,
"Eh... no."
[laughter]
We were like, "What? Why?"
She goes, [in Italian accent] "Rocco!"
[laughter]
[normal] It's so funny, when I was writing
this joke, I called my friend Giovanni.
I was like, "Hey, I'm writing
a joke about you."
And before I could finish, he goes,
[in Italian accent] "Ah, yes. Rocco."
[laughter]
[normal] We would get coffee every morning
at this pasticceria
that was close to us,
and, uh, it's the same thing.
It's all, you know,
E.T.s in housecoats cooking for us. And...
You know, you're-- you're in Sicily
in the middle of the summer.
It's hot.
Everyone's very dark, very tan.
We walk in one day,
and there's a girl working there.
She's probably like 20 years old.
She's so white.
- We thought she was haunting us.
- [laughter]
She was so white.
So, I walk up to her
and I'm like, you know, "Buongiorno."
She's like, "Buongiorno."
And I start to order coffee.
I'm like...
[speaking Italian]
And she's like, "Oh, wait, no.
Um, if-- per favore-- no, um..."
And I go, "Do you speak English?"
She goes, "I'm from Ireland!"
[laughter]
I was like, "What are you doing here?"
She's like,
[in Irish accent] "I met this Italian man
"six months ago
and I moved to this island,
I'm working at his mother's pastry shop,
and I'm sweating, help me!"
[laughter]
[normal]
Dumb bitch, so...
[laughter]
But that's the cool thing
about doing this job,
is after so many years of doing standup,
I finally get to tour internationally,
and I don't just mean Canada.
- I am...
- [laughter]
My first international tour
I did was last year.
I did it in Europe, we started in France.
It was so cool.
And my opener I always bring
is one of my best friends,
Francesco De Carlo,
who's a very funny Italian comic.
And you know,
when you're in another country,
you try and learn small phrases, right?
So, if you walk into a store,
we're in France, "Bonjour. Merci."
And then when you leave,
"Au revoir."
But Francesco's accent
in Italian is so thick,
every time I would say "au revoir,"
behind me, I'd just hear, "Ow wow."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Francesco,
what are you saying?"
[with Italian accent]
"I don't know, I cannot say this word.
Oh, wow. Ow, ow, ow. Ciao."
[chuckles]
[normal] I'm so used to performing
for American audiences,
I didn't even think that small things
would be so different, right?
So, for example,
an American audience,
when I ask a question
I'm looking for a "yes" answer,
Americans always go, "Whoo!"
That's just how we say "yes."
So, I'm in Paris, I'm doing the show.
It's like a thousand gay Frenchmen--
gayer Frenchmen, um...
[laughter]
Everyone looks so gay.
I look straight in Paris.
I look like
I'm crushing pussy in Paris.
[laughter and applause]
[Matteo laughing]
[in deep voice]
Bon soir.
[normal]
Just, whoa, you know.
[chuckles]
Imagine? So...
[laughter]
[chuckles]
In these shorts, you know, so...
[laughter]
So, you know, I'm-I'm-I'm--
I'm in this show, right?
I'm doing this show, and then
there's a thousand people, right?
So, I ask a question,
I think that they're gonna go "Whoo!"
And I swear to God,
at the same time they all go, "Yes."
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
After the show, we go to this restaurant,
and this restaurant,
it's-- it's one of these places
where it's so highfalutin,
like, everyone just seems
so important.
And the servers,
they weren't even, like, pretty women.
They were models off the runway,
and they were so mean to us. Um...
- [laughter]
- They were, they were so mean to us.
But they were so pretty,
they could throw soup in my face,
- I'd be like, "Merci. Um..."
- [laughter]
But one of them, she's holding
this, you know, giant tray
of, like, dishes and glasses.
She's walking, and she falls,
it smashes everywhere.
And the whole restaurant's looking,
they're like... [gasps]
And Francesco's eating a salad.
He doesn't even look up.
He just goes... [in Italian accent]
"You can't have everything in life."
[laughter and applause]
- "Ow wow."
- [laughter]
[normal]
The shows were really fun in Paris.
And then we went off to Amsterdam.
Has anyone been to Amsterdam before?
- [scattered cheers]
- Yeah.
I-I had a great time. I just--
You know what it is?
I couldn't pronounce anybody's name.
I couldn't-- not a s--
everyone's name sounded like a sneeze.
- [laughter]
- I'd be like, "Hi, my name is Matteo."
"My name is..." [sneezes]
I'm like, oh!
- [laughter]
- Gesundheit. [chuckles]
They're like, "Gesundheit, that's my son."
Oh, just shut up!
The Dutch are so different
as audiences.
I mean, you know, in Italy,
when you perform in Italy,
you blink and the audience is like,
"Oh, grazie, Matteo."
This is how the Dutch laugh.
[laughter]
Then after the show, they come up to you.
[in Dutch accent] "That is the hardest
I've ever laughed in my entire life.
[laughter and applause]
"My cheeks hurt, I have abs.
I shall never forget this night
for the rest of my life."
[laughter]
[normal] They have all these canals
in Amsterdam,
you know, 'cause they think
they're Venice, and, uh...
It's cool, they have these boats
that you can get
and people sit and drink,
there's like bars and servers.
It's cool.
It's very glamorous, you know?
So, Francesco's like,
"Hey, we should get a boat."
So, we get a boat, and we show up.
Clearly, we fell into a tourist trap,
'cause our boat didn't have a bar.
Uh, it had a bag
of Heinekens, and...
[laughter]
So, we're like, whatever,
let's just get on the boat.
So, we get on the boat, and you know,
we-- we have this tour guide.
Now, the tour guide's only job
is to just tell us facts
about Amsterdam.
But she thought she was a comedian,
so we immediately hated her.
[laughter]
Now, I don't-- if you've been
to Amsterdam before,
you know that some of the buildings
are like short, tall.
They're like wonky-looking.
They lean forward, they lean back, right?
So, she points to a cluster of them
and she's like,
"Does everyone
see those buildings over there?"
We're like, "Yeah."
She goes,
"We call those the gay buildings."
- [chuckles]
- [audience lightly laughs]
And the gay part could give a shit.
You know, the comedian part's like,
"What's the punchline?"
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
So, Francesco and I both
raised our hands and...
[laughing]
And she goes, "Yes?"
And we're like,
"Why are they the gay buildings?"
And she goes,
"'Cause they're not straight."
[audience reacts]
Cunt.
[laughter and applause]
[Matteo laughs]
So, we did Europe,
and then right after that,
I went to Australia to do shows.
I've never been to Australia before,
and, uh, I-I've learned something,
that Americans know nothing
about Australia.
We really don't.
I was in Sydney and my friend called.
She was like, "Oh, my God,
how exotic is Australia?"
I'm like, "I'm at a Sephora."
[laughter]
This is something I didn't realize
all Australians knew.
So, when I was on my way there,
I was, you know, on Instagram,
and I'm like, "Oh, my God,
can't wait to hold on to a koala,"
which I don't want to hold on--
That's another white woman move.
[laughter]
Holding a koala.
Not all white women,
but the same white women
that when they were 13,
they went to the Bahamas
for spring break,
and they came back
with their hair braided.
[laughter and applause]
Re... [chuckles]
Remember?
We were like,
"Molly, you have red hair.
This is Chicago, put a hat on."
So...
[laughter]
So, I just said-- I was joking.
I was like, "Going to Australia.
Can't wait to hold on to a koala."
Did not realize this was a fact
everyone knew.
I got hundreds of messages
of Australians being like,
[with Australian accent]
"Well, you know, they've got chlamydia."
[scattered laughter]
[normal]
Yeah, I'm not trying to lick its pussy.
[laughter]
Is this happening? I mean-- are--
Are that many Americans try--
"And say cheese."
[laughter]
I just wrote back and said,
"I didn't turn gay yesterday.
I've hung out with bears
that have chlamydia."
[laughter]
The accent thing, though.
I mean, that's the thing.
Look, I understand, I'm the foreigner.
I'm the one that has the accent, okay?
But every single morning
I would call for breakfast,
and this guy would pick up
and he'd be like...
[with Australian accent]
"Hello?"
[normal]
And-- and I was like, oh.
I was like, you know,
"Do you guys have yogurt and granola?
Just looking for something light."
And I know he didn't say this,
but to me, it sounded like him saying...
[speaking gibberish]
And they would always end it with,
"...if you'd like."
[laughter]
And I was too afraid to say anything,
so I just said yes.
So, every morning,
I just ate salmon for breakfast.
- [laughter]
- I'm like, "Ohh."
You gotta be careful with
the Australian accent, though.
You really have to get it right,
because I remember when I was 18,
I was in college, and this
foreign exchange student came in
and she was, you know, like,
"Hello. Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi."
You know, and I'm trying to be nice.
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
welcome to Chicago from Australia."
And she's like...
[scoffs]
[with New Zealand accent]
"New Zealand, actually."
[laughter]
[normal] It's like, okay, well,
I didn't say China,
like, I was pretty close.
[laughter]
Also, how annoying was New Zealand
during the pandemic?
Does anybody remember this?
The most-- their prime minister
would get on TV every single day
and be like, "I just wanna say that
we in New Zealand have no cases of Covid."
I'm like, no one lives there.
[laughter]
I'm in Manhattan, you idiot.
Anybody could do that job.
[in New Zealand accent]
"You go there, and you go there.
Problem solved!"
Like, it's...
[laughter]
[normal] That's the thing, though.
When you're doing this job,
you're traveling so much.
I'm in Ubers all the time.
I'm just-- everywhere I go, every country,
every city, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber.
Everywhere you go,
they have their own Uber culture.
So, New York, we have
the most specific Uber culture.
And I just want to ask you,
here in Los Angeles,
I wanna know,
clap if you talk to your Uber driver.
[applause]
[laughter]
- What's wrong with you?
- [laughter]
In New York, we do not talk
to our Uber drivers.
They don't want to talk to us,
it's a mutual--
Here's how much
we don't want to talk to each other.
I got into a car accident in my Uber
on 39th Street and Sixth Avenue,
and I still said nothing
to my Uber driver.
[laughter]
We made direct eye contact
in the rear view mirror.
I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
[laughter and applause]
But everywhere else you go,
they want to talk to you.
The worst, North Carolina.
- The worst was North Carolina.
- [audience members gasp]
- I said what I said. I...
- [laughter]
I'm running to my Uber, it's raining,
I gotta get to the airport.
Before I can even
close the door, this man,
it's a New Yorker's nightmare.
He turns around.
[with deep Southern accent]
"Well, well, well, well."
[laughter and applause]
"Looks like someone's
going to the airport today."
[with high-pitched voice]
No!
[laughter and applause]
[normal]
And I'm trying everything in my power
to give him all the international signs
of I don't want to have
a conversation with him.
I've got eight headphones on.
I'm just...
[laughter]
This man doesn't give a shit.
He's ready to have brunch.
He's like, [with deep Southern accent]
"Well, that's great,
"'cause I need to visit my son
who lives near the airport after this."
[snarky voice]
Fine.
[laughter]
[normal] Then he says--
I'm not making this up, he goes...
[deep Southern accent]
"My son has... cancer."
- [audience groans]
- [smacking lips]
[normal] So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
[laughter and applause]
How am I supposed
to respond to this? I...
You will get the five stars,
I just can't--
By the way,
I was running this joke once,
and this woman yelled,
she was like, "Not funny!"
I was like, are you an Uber driver?
Like...
- [laughter]
- So stupid.
She's like, "I'm a cancer survivor."
So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the...
[applause]
But that's the thing though,
I'm traveling so much,
I'm on planes so much,
I'm in new hotels,
I'm in Ubers,
my back is always in pain.
And I was talking to my friend Mitch.
[sighs] I don't even know how to get
into this story, I just...
I hired an escort.
I didn't mean to, and...
- [laughter]
- I really didn't mean to.
Okay, so here's what happened.
I was talking to my friend Mitch,
and I was just saying,
"Oh, my back is always in pain."
Like, you know,
"I gotta get a massage therapist."
But Mitch is not
in the right state of mind.
He's a freshly divorced,
middle-aged gay man
in his sexual prime,
which I know sounds redundant. Um...
- [laughter]
- When I said that,
he was like,
"You need a massage therapist?
I've got the perfect guy for you."
Here's how stupid I am.
This guy messages me.
His first message is "Only bring cash."
I'm like, "Got it."
[laughter]
He kept telling me to meet him at this,
like, undisclosed location in Chinatown.
I remember walking up the stairs
saying out loud, "This is scary."
- Um...
- [laughter]
I would be so easy to murder.
So, I...
- [laughter]
- And it was impossible to find.
I felt like I was in a shrine in Zelda.
Like, I could not find the exit.
Finally, I found it.
And you know what's funny?
Like, you know when you go into a spa,
usually there's, like, spa music.
Like, Enya's on.
You walk in, it's like...
[singing]
Who can say where the road goes
Where the--
There was no Enya on.
I walk in, it's a man under a neon light
who's very scary,
and he's like,
"Go in that room and get naked."
- I was like, "On my way!"
- [laughter]
So, I walk--
I wish I was making this up.
I walk in the room,
there's the table, no blanket,
and I lay down naked,
ass up, ready to be killed, um...
[laughter]
And here's the thing.
I got my head looking through that, like,
you know, like, the massage table.
Like, it's like a donut hole, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so I could see the ground.
So, I'm looking at the floor,
and I hear the door close behind me,
and I just see two legs walk up in front,
and then his pants just drop.
- [audience gasps]
- But I'm so stupid.
I'm like, "Uh, he must be warm."
Like, I'm not even...
- [laughter]
- I'm not thinking about it.
So, he starts massaging me.
And because I think
it's a massage, you know,
I start falling asleep.
I wake up ten minutes later
with a finger in my ass.
[laughter]
I kn-- For a minute I was like,
"I'm being raped!"
And I thought, "Oh no, that's right.
I paid for it."
[laughter]
I did, I paid for it, and...
- I tipped, so...
- [laughter]
It's so funny.
I called my friend Mitch afterwards.
I was like, "How dare you
send me to this place!"
He's like,
"Did you have a good time?"
Like, "Of course, I had a good time!"
[laughter]
I should be doing something though.
I should be getting massages.
I should do yoga, I should stretch,
I should do something, but I don't.
I'm lazy.
I-- I go to the gym.
But even going-- like, that--
the gym was such a hard hill
for me to get over,
because I'm not a sports person.
I never was a sports person.
I'm not comfortable
in sports environments, like...
You know, like, for example,
when I was a kid,
I would've love to play sports--
hockey, soccer, something.
But the dads, the kids, and coaches
were so mean and homophobic,
I'm like, "Ugh, fine, I'll sing."
- So...
- [laughter]
Because here's the thing, I-- my--
and I know I'm generalizing here.
Like, clap if you're a straight man.
[light scattered applause]
[chuckles]
Gays, get 'em! No, I...
- [laughter]
- I'm teasing.
But this is how it happens, I, uh...
[laughter]
I know, and I know
I'm generalizing here, okay?
But in my mind, like,
when straight guys go to the gym,
they maybe started
when they were like 15.
They're with their like, coach,
or friends, or you know, soccer, whatever.
So, they start at 15 and the trajectory
is just-- it's easier for them.
They-- they go with their friends,
they get more confident.
Now, it's a place they look better.
Now, they go all the time.
Now, it's social.
But I do notice, they get married,
they turn 30, they have kids.
That's when the gays swoop in, um...
- [laughter]
- We come out of the woodwork.
We're like, "The coast is clear!"
Um...
[laughter]
But even to this day, I don't know
how to talk to straight guys at the gym.
Like, I just don't have the same energy.
There's a trainer at my--
he's not my trainer,
but there's a trainer at my gym.
His name is Giovanni,
he's from the Bronx, he's Latino.
Very scary, like a top.
And, uh...
[laughter]
We see each other every single day.
You know, when you see someone every day,
you acknowledge each other.
But the way he acknowledges me,
he just walks up and goes...
And I don't know how to respond,
so I'm just like...
[laughter]
[exhales deeply]
[sighs heavily]
I answer questions
he hasn't even asked me.
He's like, [deep voice] "Hey."
[normal] "Good, thanks."
[laughter]
One time I was working out,
it was shoulder day.
So, I'm sitting there,
I'm doing-- I'm doing shoulders,
and, uh, I'm looking in the mirror.
And the biggest guy at the gym,
I mean, he was a centaur.
This man was giant,
and he was approaching me.
I mean, I felt like Josie Grossie.
I was like "Prom?" Um...
[laughter]
He walks up to me and he was like,
[deep voice] "Hey, can you spot me?"
[normal] I'm like, "Good, thanks."
No. [laughs]
- [laughter]
- I didn't say that.
So, I walk up to the bench press.
You guys, it's like--
it was 1,000 pounds on each side.
I mean, the amount of weight--
I wanted to be like,
"Sir, you have a better chance
of surviving asking the wind to spot you."
[laughter]
[laughing]
So...
So, I go behind him,
and I just put my hands out like that,
'cause I've seen other people
do it, um...
[laughter]
And the thing I love about straight guys,
you were never taught shame.
So, your first push,
you're at the Olympics,
You're like, "Yeah!"
You know, and I'm panicking.
I'm like, "Oh, it's just me
and my gay weak hands.
The only thing that's keeping
this man alive!"
[laughter]
Because if this falls, he dies,
and I'm just running around
like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage,
like, "Paramedic!"
I just... dance.
[applause]
Oh!
It was such a relief when it was over.
He was like, "Thanks, man."
I'm like, "Never again!"
[laughter]
I decided I'm gonna get a trainer, right?
That'll give me confidence.
I'll know what I'm doing.
I don't feel so lost in the gym.
And the process of getting
a trainer is fun.
You just walk up to the manager,
you're like, "I want a trainer."
They open up a book,
show you pictures,
and I'm like, "He's hot." Um...
- [laughter]
- I pick this guy.
I picked the scariest looking guy.
He had a big beard, backwards hat,
his name was Damon.
And then I just started
having fantasies.
I'm like, it's-- it's gonna be like
a Ricki Lake episode.
- Like...
- [laughter]
You know, like,
"My mom can't control me.
I'm 13,"
I'm like, "Fuck you," you know?
And then, like,
a drill sergeant comes out
and screaming at me, and I'm crying.
It was just a fantasy, so I...
[laughter]
So, I went to go meet him, right,
the very first day.
Never met him before.
I walk up, I'm like,
"Hey, Damon, my name is Matteo."
You know, "How was your weekend?"
And he goes, [in Australian accent]
"Oh, I think my dog is sick,
and I'm really upset about it."
[laughter]
[singing]
This is what dreams are made of
[applause]
He's so gay and Australian,
I love him so much.
I did decide, I was like,
I'm gonna tell Giovanni,
the other trainer, that I have
a joke about him, just 'cause--
'Cause I think if I have a joke
about someone, they should know,
and... [chuckles] Mariah's not
gotten back to me, but...
[laughter]
Hey, Mariah.
[laughing] You know.
But I went up to him and I was like,
"Hey, you know,
my name is Matteo, I'm a comedian."
And, you know, I just
sort of explained the joke,
and he didn't really respond.
But now, every time I see him
at the gym, he does this.
[laughter]
[exhales sharply]
[applause continues]
I really want to fuck him.
[laughter]
Yeah, it's so funny writing standup.
Everyone does it so differently.
You know, some people have a whole hour
and they talk about some trauma,
or they have, like, a through-line.
And I always felt like
my standup was more just like,
we're catching up at brunch, you know,
I don't know, it's just light.
[chuckles]
Maybe I'm a bad writer, but, uh...
- [laughter]
- It's hard,
because I really do just talk
about my life.
And-- and there's some things
I really do want to talk about.
And something I've wanted to talk about
is the fact that I'm Mexican.
- And my mother is Ital...
- [audience member cheers]
- Hola. [laughing]
- [cheering and applause]
It's funny,
my mom's Italian and Mexican,
so it just makes me look like Jafar
if he came out of the closet and...
- [laughter]
- [in deep voice] "Prince Abubu."
[normal] You know he's, like, so gay.
[laughing]
Jafar was gay.
Remember he had that one wish?
He was like, [in deep voice]
"I wish for Princess Jasmine
to fall desperately in love with me."
[normal]
I'm like, "Girl, we've all had that wish."
- [laughter]
- So gay.
- [scattered applause]
- [Matteo laughing]
You know who--
we'll get back to Mexicans.
You know who else is gay?
Mufasa.
- Okay, so...
- [laughter]
Mufasa's gay.
Okay, I know Scar's gay.
We're skipping over Scar.
Okay, so there's a scene
where Mufasa's yelling at Scar,
and then Zazu shows up, and...
[chuckles]
Zazu's also gay, so...
[laughter]
[singing]
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Like, whoa, Mary! Okay, so...
[laughter]
Zazu lands on Mufasa's shoulder,
they start having a kiki about Scar and...
- [laughter]
- Zazu's making a joke about Scar.
He's like,
"He'd make a very nice throw rug!"
And Mufasa from totally butch goes,
"Oh, Zazu!"
- I'm like, "Gay!"
- [laughter]
I see it, I see it.
- Okay, one more, alright.
- [laughter]
Just one more.
I just really think that magic mirror
- from Snow White is so gay.
- [laughter]
Am I wrong? Right?
First of all, I was that mirror
in high school.
I was telling all my best girlfriends,
like, "You are the prettiest."
- Like, I know that...
- [laughter]
I know that life, you know?
But this mirror was a bitch.
This mirror knew that
that queen was crazy.
And all he had to do
to keep things running smoothly
was be like, "You're the best,
you're the best."
And one day, she came up
and she was like,
"Who is the fairest in the land?"
"That bitch. Get her!"
You know.
- [laughter]
- [chuckles] "Go."
I am part Mexican,
and, uh, I do speak Spanish.
I learned Italian first,
and now when I speak Spanish,
I have a really thick Italian accent.
So, every time I talk to other Latinos,
they're always like...
[chuckles]
"You sound like Mario."
[laughter]
"Yo tengo una pregunta. Wahoo!"
You know.
- [laughter]
- "Wha! Hoo! Wha!"
The reason I don't know anything
about my Mexican family,
uh, it's a very telenovela story.
But I guess the best way
to describe it is, um,
so a couple years ago,
I did this Mexican TV show
- called Noches con Platanito.
- [scattered laughter]
There are some Mexicans in here.
Okay, so... [laughing]
Uh, it means "Night of the Little Banana."
And, um, it's super Mexican.
It's hosted by a clown.
It makes no sense.
Anyway, so I knew
when I was going on to the show,
the producer said,
"He's gonna ask about your grandpa."
My grandpa's Mexican.
So, I get there.
First question is like,
[in Mexican accent]
"Okay, so your grandpa is Mexican,
so that means you are Mexican,
so tell us about your grandpa."
[normal] And I was like,
"Yes, that's true.
"You know, my grandpa's from Jalisco,
- and, uh, you know..."
- [scattered cheers]
- Mis primos.
- [laughter]
- Wahoo, you know. Uh...
- [laughter]
But, uh, you know, I said, "That's true.
"You know, my grandpa's family
is from Jalisco, Mexico.
"But, you know,
I-- I never got to know them
"because, you see, my, uh, grandpa
"and my grandma had five kids together.
"And at the same time, he had
five kids with another woman.
- [light laughter]
- And named them all the same names."
[audience]
Ohh!
That's how I thought Noches
were going to respond.
And instead, he goes,
[in Mexican accent]
"Your grandpa's very smart."
[laughter and applause]
[normal] So, I have been connecting more
with my Mexican heritage.
My husband's from Mexico,
so I was going back and forth a lot
when we were long-distance dating.
He lives in New York now, and, uh,
I have noticed, though,
every single time I go to Mexico,
there's always a problem.
Every single time.
The last time I went to Mexico
before he moved to the States,
I was in San Antonio, Texas, and--
- [audience member cheers]
- No, and...
[laughter and applause]
- [cheering and applause]
- No.
- It's lovely there, so...
- [laughter]
[chuckles] But literally, I-I go
to the airport, I'm flying Air Mexico.
I walk up, all of the signs, like,
"delayed, delayed, delayed, delayed."
I'm like, "What is going on?
Why are we delayed?"
And they go,
"Oh, a volcano's gone off in Mexico City,
"so we just don't know
how long it's gonna take
before we can get out of here."
Now, usually, when you hear
a volcano's gone off at your destination,
you're like, "I should
reschedule this trip."
[laughter]
But... I had already douched.
[laughter]
[scattered cheers]
So, I walked up to the front desk
and I was like, "Hi, sir.
[chuckles]
"I know there's a volcano going off,
"but, um, I douched.
"And, uh, you might not know
what that means,
"but I'm sure there's a flight attendant
back there that does, so...
[laughter and applause]
"So, I've got about three hours
to work with here, and, uh...
"If you need help,
I'm fresh, so just send me
and I'll sit on the volcano and..."
[laughter]
The one straight guy's like...
[in deep voice]
"I don't know what he's talking about."
[laughter]
[normal]
We were delayed seven and a half hours.
- [audience groans]
- Seven and a half hours.
I know, and-- and I was
the only American there.
Everybody else was Mexican.
And I was kind of fascinated,
because they had lined up
like a mini little army.
It was two-by-two in wheelchairs.
All these gra-- all these abuelas
in these wheelchairs,
just 16 Cocos, just...
[laughter and applause]
- [sings] Remember me
- [laughter]
And I was watching them.
No cell phone, no iPhone, nothing.
Seven and a half hours,
they're just like...
[laughter and light applause]
We're just waiting,
we're waiting for the pilot
to come out and tell us,
are we gonna go, are we not gonna go?
You know, finally,
after seven and a half hours,
the pilot emerges, this tiny little man
who's so dramatic.
He could have just told us right there,
but he had to make
this big walk to the podium.
So, he comes up, he gets to the speaker,
and he goes,
[in Mexican accent]
"Hey.
Okay, everyone. Vamos."
[laughter]
[normal]
That means, "Let's go."
So, we get on the plane, everyone's happy.
Remember me
And, um, now we're sitting
on the plane.
We're sitting on the plane
for, like, an hour.
So now, it's like, if you fly a lot,
you know, you're like,
something's wrong.
So, we're waiting,
we're waiting, we're waiting.
They get on the announcement,
"This flight is canceled."
- [audience groans]
- I know.
Now, usually, when your flight
is canceled,
Delta, United, whatever,
even Spirit, they will email you
and they will say to you,
"Here is your new boarding pass.
This is your new flight time.
We will see..."
This is the most Mexican shit
that's ever happened to me.
You cannot make this up.
Before they let us get off the plane,
the pilot gets back on the announcement
and he goes...
[in Mexican accent]
"Uh...
[laughter]
"Okay, everyone.
"Eh...
"I'm just going
to leave the plane here.
"So...
[laughter]
"Just come back tomorrow morning.
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckling]
- And we'll go."
- [laughter]
[laughing] It's...
Is my Uncle Mike flying the plane?
And it was funny, we came--
They literally--
We just brought our old boarding pass
all crinkled up next morning,
like, "Yeah, yeah, Air Mexico."
And it was so funny, everyone--
same people, same outfits.
It was like you were at a resort.
You're like, "Hi," you know, um...
- [laughter]
- Anyways, off to Mexico we went.
And I got to say, if you have not
been to Mexico City, go.
It is the most incredible city
on the face of the planet.
- Go. The people are unbelievable.
- [cheering and applause]
It's so beaut--
And, you know, growing up
with an Italian cultural background,
I didn't realize how similar
Italians and Mexicans were.
I mean, big families, great food,
Catholicism...
[in deep voice] ...drama.
You know, it's...
[normal] My husband
would say he's not dramatic,
but one time,
we were walking up the stairs
and he had like a couple drinks earlier,
so he was wobbling.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
Rodrigo, don't fall."
And he goes, "I will never fall."
[laughter]
It's like, okay, Puss in Boots, so...
[laughter]
At this point, I think I just married him
'cause he doesn't snore.
That's all it takes.
That's all. I'm 38.
You don't-- Clap if you have
a partner that snores.
[applause]
[scattered cheers]
People that snore are selfish.
[laughter]
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Just 12 hours of...
[imitating snoring]
Choking on a thousand
goddamn dicks.
I mean, what is wrong with you?
And no one, no one wakes up
more refreshed in the morning
than someone that hasn't
breathed the entire night.
Their lungs have collapsed,
their neck is blue, they wake up.
[sings]
Good mornin'
[laughter]
And when you sleep
next to someone that snores,
there's one thing
and one thing only you can do.
You have to hit them.
You hit them, and then they go...
[quick choking]
[laughter]
And now, you've got 30 to 50 seconds
to try and get to sleep.
[laughter]
So, he doesn't snore, but he does
do something really strange.
And it's two things.
He talks in his sleep.
But every time, without fail,
he's always laughing.
The talking's fine.
I mean, that's kind of cute.
Someone's talking in their sleep,
it's like... [mumbling]
You're like, "Oh, that's so cute.
They're dreaming."
It's the laughter.
[laughter]
It's midnight.
The room is dark.
[laughter]
And out of nowhere...
[in Mexican accent] "Ha ha ha!
No, no. I want the big one."
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
[normal] When it's in English, it's fine,
you know, I understand what's going on.
But he's bilingual,
so sometimes it's Spanish.
And when he speaks Spanish,
his voice drops a whole octave.
So now, it's this demonic presence
next to me, just...
[speaking Spanish in deep voice]
[demonic laughter]
[applause]
Is it still the big one?
[laughter]
- One-- one time-- look how quiet it got.
- [laughter]
Once-- one time he was, uh--
Sometimes I fuck with him
when he sleeps, and, uh...
He was sleeping and he was talking,
and he goes, um, he's like...
[chuckles]
"Yeah, three."
[laughter]
And I was like, "What's three?"
And he goes, [in Mexican accent]
"Three is bigger than two."
[laughter]
[normal]
Okay, Mariah Carey, so...
[laughter and applause]
I love Mariah Carey, I think
she's the best singer in the world.
She writes all of her own music.
I can't get enough of her.
I've seen her live 12 times, and, uh...
I know, we shouldn't be called lambs.
We should be called enablers, um...
[laughter]
My one issue with Mariah,
she's always late.
That's the problem. She is always late.
I went to go see her
Christmas show last year
at Madison Square Garden,
and she was two hours late.
Two hours.
Not even like an hour 40.
Not even an hour fif--
two hours on the dot.
And there was like
30,000 people there.
So, we're all waiting.
[chuckling]
Actually, at one point it got quiet,
and you hear this gay guy yell,
"Your hair looks fine!"
[laughter]
He was dressed like an
elf on a shelf, and, uh...
- [laughter]
- She always has the same opener.
She has this DJ.
[laughing]
This DJ comes out
and he asks us a question.
We always say "Whoo!"
Or if you're French, "Yes," and...
- [laughter]
- Then he plays 30 seconds of a song.
You know, it's fun, right?
So, he's like,
"Where are my '80s babies at?"
We're like, "Whoo!"
He's like, "Who loves Whitney Houston?"
We're like, "We do!"
[sings]
I want to dance with
"Mariah's coming out in 15 minutes."
- [in deep voice] Two hours later...
- [laughter]
[normal]
This man has played every song he owns.
There's literally nothing--
He's gone through iTunes, Spotify,
Apple Music, he's downloading LimeWire.
- I mean, the man has run out.
- [laughter]
You can tell he's running out of music
when he's like, "Uh... uh...
[sucks teeth] Who loves Bach?"
Like it was just so...
[laughter]
So, finally, you know,
Mariah comes out, right?
And it's so dramatic,
she comes out from the ceiling.
Like, I thought we were at Wicked.
Like, I just...
I thought it was Glinda.
[singing]
Let us be glad
Except she could not do that.
And, uh...
- [audience reacts]
- Oh, she lip-synced for her life, and I...
[laughter and jeers]
It was the most expensive
drag show I've ever been to.
[laughter and applause]
I'm kidding, Mariah does not lip sync.
I really mean that.
She's a phenomenal singer.
I went to-- okay, this is an insane story.
And I have to say this legally,
because her lawyers are crazy.
This is a true story.
2016, I went to go see
her Christmas concert at
the Beacon Theater in New York City,
twice in a week, and, uh, I went--
oh, that isn't embarrassing.
I went the first time
'cause I bought myself tickets.
I went the second time
'cause my friends bought me tickets,
so of course I wanted to go.
So, I go the first time.
She wasn't even late.
Forty-five minutes late.
- She was right on time.
- [laughter]
And the show was phenomenal.
I mean, the voice is phenomenal.
She looks amazing, I mean, it was just
an incredible concert, right?
So, I go the next night,
and I bring my best friend Evan,
who's straight
and a recovering coke addict.
This does come into play. So...
[laughter]
Now, we're sitting in the second row.
Okay, we've got great seats.
So, she's doing the whole concert,
la-la-la, this and that.
You know she's singing great.
And at one point, she goes,
"I'm gonna bring out a special guest."
And 'cause I went the night before,
I'm like, "Oh, she doesn't know
that I know, and they don't know
that I know it's John Legend."
So, keep in mind this is 2016.
She goes, "This next person
coming to the stage,
"they're such a dear,
dear friend of mine.
"They're such a talented songwriter.
Please, welcome to the stage,
R. Kelly."
[audience gasps]
I turned to Evan and I said,
"Are we in the splash zone?"
[laughter]
First of all, these two don't even belong
on the same stage together.
Mariah is 45
in a quinceaera dress, and...
[laughter]
You know what I'm talking about.
[laughter and applause]
And R. Kelly is dressed up like
Jada Pinkett Smith in The Matrix.
I don't even know
what's happening anymore.
And then, the song
they're singing with each other is...
[singing] Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire
And the gays next to us
are doing cocaine.
- Now...
- [laughter]
Gays, here's the thing.
Doing cocaine at a normal
Mariah concert is humili--
No one's doing cocaine to Dreamlover.
But at a Christmas concert,
I mean, she's literally like...
- Christmas time
- [snorting]
- Just...
- [laughter]
You know those gays left their house,
they're like...
[singing]
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
I turned to my friend Evan and I said,
"Don't you dare relapse
at a Mariah Carey Christmas concert!"
[laughter]
[Matteo laughs]
Can you imagine him, 16 years sober,
walking into AA, throwing his chip down,
they're like, "Oh, my God, Evan.
What happened?"
[sucking teeth]
[in deep voice] "Mariah."
- [normal] You know, just...
- [laughter]
Same.
I love Mariah, I mean, when you--
those kinds of--
those divas, you know what I mean?
Just something happens
to them after a while,
they become deities,
and, you know, because--
Oh, this is an insane story.
So, I was performing
in Vegas last year,
and I don't like performing in Vegas.
I don't like casinos, I don't like Vegas.
But when you perform
at a casino, the promoters,
they always try and, like,
sweeten the deal.
They wanna compete
with the other casinos,
make sure that you always
come back to them.
So, when I get there--
I guess 'cause I'm gay,
their deal for me,
I get there, they're like,
"Matteo, welcome to Vegas.
We're so excited to have you.
"As a special treat,
we got you free tickets
to see Katy Perry
in concert tonight."
And I was like, "That's okay," um...
[laughter]
- [Matteo laughing]
- [applause]
I don't mind Katy Perry, I just--
I was in, you know, I'm in Vegas.
I had other things to do, and they're
like, "Well, there's a meet-and-greet."
I was like, "What time?"
You know, so...
I go-- oh, and I brought
my best friend Evan
from the Mariah Carey
Christmas concert.
So, I go, and we go to this,
like, Katy Perry basement,
you know, and it's all
decorated and stuff.
And her manager grabbed us,
I felt very important.
He brings me right up to Katy,
who looks great,
and he was like,
"Uh, Katy, this is Matteo Lane.
"He's a comedian.
He's performing in Vegas.
Matteo, this is Katy Perry."
And she goes, [in high-pitched voice]
"Oh! A comedian."
[normal] I go, "Hey."
She goes...
[gasps]
[deep-voiced] "A gay comedian."
[laughter and applause]
[normal] I was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "This is my friend Evan.
He's opening for me."
She goes... [gasps]
"Another gay."
And he goes, "Oh, I'm not gay."
She goes... [chuckles] "Right."
[laughter]
- [Matteo laughing]
- [applause]
I have it on video.
I should post that.
- [laughter]
- [audience member] Yeah!
We left early, that--
we were really hungry, um...
- [laughter]
- Well, she's dancing with, like,
giant hot dogs and hamburgers.
I'm like, "I am starving," you know.
[laughter]
She does seem like
she has a good sense of humor.
I mean, there must be
somebody in her life
still sort of pulling her
down to earth, because--
I think all your friends should be
making fun of you at all times.
Everyone need-- like, they should.
My group of friends,
my crew is way too mean.
This is a hideous story.
This is how bad we are.
One time, my friend--
this is so horrible.
One time, my friend Patty
was arrested for punching a cop.
- And, uh...
- [laughter]
What's funny is Patty is 5'4"
with long red hair, and we had the video.
So, just like, this gay leprechaun
was running
after this police officer
sounding like Miss Piggy, like,
[imitating Miss Piggy] "Hiya!"
You know, so...
[laughter]
[normal]
Of course, he gets arrested, you know?
So, Bob and I had to go downtown
and bail him out.
And this is so mean,
but we made sure
when we brought him back home,
that the second he opened the door,
we had the Cell Block Tango
from the musical Chicago playing.
- [laughter]
- [Matteo chuckles]
He opens the door.
"Pop! Shit! Cicero!"
[singing]
He had it coming, he only--
[laughter]
And even Patty had a good sense
of humor about it.
We were like, "Oh, my God,
Patty, what was jail like?"
He was like, "Honestly, I douched earlier
'cause I thought I was going on a date.
And I looked around and I thought,
this might be the full fantasy."
[laughter and scattered applause]
My friends and I, we don't go out.
We're not a going-out group.
I mean, no one drinks
and no one does drugs.
We just kind of hang out at home,
watch YouTube, play Fortnite.
So, it's very rare
when we decide to go out.
And one time, my friend Patty,
for his birthday,
he's like, "We're going to this club
and everyone's coming with!"
So, we go.
I usually dress something--
I'm like-- like always
a deli worker or something, and...
- [laughter]
- I brought my friend Nick.
I'm sure you guys know Nick.
And Nick looked like...
[cheering and applause]
I was with a 6'4" haunted
Victorian doll, and...
[laughter]
He's always dressed
like a Chinese vase, and, uh...
[laughter]
So, you know, we're on the dance floor
and we're trying to dance and stuff,
but everyone's head is around here.
Nick is, you know, way up there.
And, uh, and, you know, Nick is so tall.
He's not used to seeing
taller people than him.
And so, this one guy who was so tall,
he was taller than Nick, walked by.
And I just see Nick's face do that.
And I go, "Nick, what's that about?"
He goes, "Who the fuck
let Frankenstein in here?"
[laughter]
[Matteo chuckles]
That same night-- so, we were sitting down
because we're in our 30s,
and, uh, that same night, you know,
they had all these Go-Go bo-- and I love--
There's nothing better to me
than a Go-Go boy.
So, they had all these Go-Go boys, right?
Now, in New York,
it is illegal to get naked, okay?
You have to have something
covering something.
So, this Go-Go boy gets on the table
and then just starts
getting completely naked.
But he was still wearing
his socks with Birkenstocks.
[scattered laughter]
So, the gayest thing
about this entire situation
wasn't the fact that his hole was out.
It was that the other gays
around him were like,
[snarky]
"Look at those fucking shoes!"
[laughter]
[normal] But this is really special.
I mean, I know it's a special,
but this is special for me.
I've been doing standup
for 16 years, and it's...
- [cheering and applause]
- Yeah. It's a long time.
[cheering and applause continue]
[Matteo giggles]
It's-- it's funny because, you know,
people always ask me,
like in interviews and stuff, like,
"Oh, so how do you
get started in standup?"
And I guess it's a pretty fair question,
'cause it--
this is-- everything about this
is strange, you know?
And it's not like you just write something
and then one day you're on stage.
You know, it's just years and years
of being at open mics
which, if you don't know what
an open mic is, you're in a basement
with 60 other wannabe comics,
you put your name in a bucket.
After you wait two hours,
you get to go up.
You could do two minutes.
You have to do that every night
for years and years.
Then eventually, you work your way up
to something called bar shows,
which for us as comics, oh, glamorous.
"I have a-- I have a show.
I have a bar show."
But a bar show just means people
are at a bar having a good time,
and then we ruin it, um...
[laughter]
The thing is, you know, I'm gay,
and it's like... [sighs]
I had to come out every single night.
That's a weird thing.
You have to come out
every single night.
And it was just trying to find
new ways of coming out,
and make it funny, and coming out
over and over again.
You would think I don't have to say it.
I look gay, I sound gay.
But if you don't bring it up,
you can feel the tension in the room.
They're like, "Is he German?"
Like, it's just so...
[laughter]
I was so sick of coming up with jokes
that I would just walk on stage
and say, "Thanks so much,
I'm obviously gay,"
and just sort of move it along.
So, my career's going very well now,
but it wasn't going so well
about four years ago
'cause I-- this is-- this is sort of where
I was four years ago career-wise, guys.
I remember it was April of 2021,
and my agent called,
and the pandemic
had just started slowing down,
so they were reopening comedy clubs.
And my agent called and he goes,
"Hey, Matteo, uh, they're reopening
a comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona,
and they have to retrain the staff.
They just need anybody on stage."
- [laughter]
- I was like, "I'll be there!"
So... so, I get there.
And now, keep in mind,
I do this every single night
and so not doing it for a year, I mean,
I was like, I don't even know what to say.
Like all my notes said
was "Liza Minnelli."
- I had nowhere to go.
- [laughter]
I could do an hour of Liza Minnelli jokes.
Anyway, so all I had
was my opening joke.
"Thanks so much.
I'm obviously gay," right?
So, I'm backstage,
and I hear the host call my name.
He's like, "Welcome to the stage,
Matteo Lane."
So, I walk out, I'm like,
"Hi, thanks so much. I'm obviously gay."
And a man in the front row
looks up and goes, "What?"
[laughter]
And I was so not cool about it.
Like, I was so rusty
that I didn't have a quick comeback.
And I just go, "Oh, um...
you don't like gays?"
[laughter]
And he goes, "No."
[laughter]
And he was with his wife, and usually
women are a little nicer to gays.
So I go, "Do you like gays?"
And she goes... [sighs]
[laughter]
It's like, "Okay, well...
I can't leave."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
But I said, "If you don't want
to stay, you can go."
And they did, they got up
and they just walked right out.
But there was one gay
in the audience.
God bless this gay man.
He was sitting in the aisle,
and as they were walking out,
I could see him, like, gain--
you know gays, when we get the strength.
- So...
- [laughter]
They were getting closer,
and the second they pass him,
he just goes, "And stay out!"
[cheering and applause]
Thank you so much, Los Angeles.
- This is amazing. Thank you.
- [cheering and applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause continue]
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Goodnight.
[cheering and applause continue]
[indistinct chatter]
- [speaker] He's back, he's back.
- [overlapping chatter]
Okay. Whoo!
Alright, what did I miss?
- I'm winning.
- Oh, she's getting better.
Oh, she's getting way better,
okay, so just give it a shot.
[jazz music playing]
Alright, I'm supposed to do pick-ups.
So, where's my--
where's my director Jared?
[Jared Lapidus] [over speakers]
Okay, so let's go ahead
and pick up, uh, the transition
from New Zealand to Uber,
uh, then wanna get a little bit
more lead in on that.
So, when you say,
"I travel so much for this job
and I'm in Ubers all the time," and then
just go into the first Uber joke.
- Wait, what?
- [laughter]
I didn't even know that
that was the transition, okay.
[Jared] I just want to get the bridge
between New Zealand--
the New Zealand bit and...
- Okay.
- ...and get to the Uber bit.
Okay, so I'll just finish
the New Zealand bit
- and then get into Uber.
- [Jared] That's exactly it.
[laughter]
- New Zealand's gonna hate me, okay.
- [laughter]
Okay, alright.
Uh, [in New Zealand accent]
"You go there and you go there.
Problem solved!"
[normal] Like, psycho. My God.
I don't even remember how I get
into the next joke, Jared, I'm so sorry.
[laughter and applause]
[laughing] I don't remember.
[cheering and applause]
I swear to you,
I don't remember, Jared.
[laughter]
I'm so humiliated.
Can we have more fog?
- Okay, so...
- [laughter]
[jazz music playing]