Maybe It's You (2023) Movie Script

I can't imagine spending
my life with anyone else.
You are the most beautiful,
sweet, kind-hearted person
I've ever met, and you make me
happier than I have ever been.
If you give me the chance,
I would love to spend
the rest of my life trying to
make you feel the same way.
Will... you marry me?
Oh, you're done?
- Yep.
- No, it was good. It was good.
- A little generic, but good.
- Generic?
Come on, that was
some top-tier shit.
It was shit,
I'm not arguing that.
Okay, and I'm going
to beat you to death.
Even your death threats
have gotten generic.
I'm not done yet, I'm gonna
kill you, chop you up
in little pieces and
throw you in a river.
Well, if it were me,
I would grind up your guts,
turn you into an aged
sausage, then feed you
to people I don't like
at dinner parties.
Two birds, one stone,
I like that.
- Thank you.
- I would-I would bleed you out.
And use your skin as a coat.
Oh, that doesn't
sound very warm.
- On a fall day with a cardigan?
- See, that's poetic.
Why don't you use that
in your proposal?
No, no, Taylor, I don't
think she'll go for that.
Well, if she doesn't
respond favorably
to the idea of you wearing her
skin on a fall day,
then I don't think
she's the girl for you.
She is, and you're gonna
meet her.
- And you're gonna love her.
- Mm, yeah.
I don't know about that.
You haven't had
great taste in women
since college.
Plus, if she's so great,
then why have you been
hiding her from me for the last
two times I've been out here?
I didn't want you to
scare her away.
Oh, by the way, I know
you like to snoop around,
I put all the good stuff
in the top sock drawer.
Thank you.
Are you sure it's cool
if I crash with you for so long?
I can always get an Airbnb.
Uh, I can't really
afford that, but...
Stop. You're always welcome,
okay? Breakup or not.
- Thank you. I appreciate it.
- Of course, dude.
Now, get out of my car.
I have to go.
- Okay.
- Oh, by the way.
Do you mind showering
before dinner
because you kinda smell
like an airplane toilet.
Thank you for noticing.
You know, this car makes you
look like a child molester,
in case you're wondering
why the cops are knocking
at your door.
- Okay.
- Awesome. Have a great day.
- Thank you do much. You too.
- Yep, have a good day at work.
- Thank you. Oh, your key.
- Oh, God, thanks.
- Bye, honey! Bye, sweetheart!
- Okay, bye! Bye, honey!
Half past the hour
on this snowy Chicago morning.
Here's some Aaron Espe
that'll weather the storm.
Carl, what's up, dude?
- Hey!
- Oh, hi!
Funny seeing you here.
Actually, that's perfect because
I came back up to give you this.
You left it at my place
last night.
- What would I do without you?
- Get fired, I think.
- I can adapt.
- You're too old to adapt.
- That's true.
- Yeah, okay. I am late.
And my Stevens meeting
got moved uptown,
so I won't have time to
get the dry cleaning.
I got it. This elevator's
taking forever.
- The button. Right.
- Yeah.
- What would you do without me?
- See you tonight?
- 7:30. Thank you. I love you.
- I love you.
I don't think it went.
Okay. I'm buying a pretzel.
Hey, we're about to eat dinner.
You keep saying that
and I'm still starving.
I told you not to smoke
all of that.
You also said this bitch was
going to be here
twenty minutes ago.
Hey, you need to chill.
Taylor has a thing about pot,
and I want her to like you,
so please just...
- Here she comes. Here she comes.
- Hi!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My, my cab driver hit a pigeon
and he was inconsolable,
and I felt terrible
leaving him and it
was this whole thing.
Ah! Hey!
Do you think that pigeon's
up for grabs?
Uh, Taylor, Lexa. Lexa, Taylor.
- You're Lexa?
- Yes. Right? Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Okay, let's eat.
Uh, yeah, yeah, we know a great
Italian bistro a few blocks out.
- What about this place?
- My place has great focaccia.
This place has a buffet.
Oh, it also has
a, a D health rating.
I've never even seen a D before.
Well, did you know that
there's enough alcohol
in one cocktail to kill
most food-borne illnesses?
That doesn't sound like science.
Come on. Hole In The Walls
have the best food.
Back me up on this, Pistol Pete.
- Okay, smell it.
- Yes, it's got nectar in it.
Passion fruit and nectar.
Do you smell it?
Yeah, but I also got
my lipstick on you.
- You guys are cute.
- Oh, thank you.
It's really sweet.
Uh, so what about you?
Peter tells me that you were
dating someone back in New York.
Luke. Yeah, I was. Past tense.
No, it's fine.
I broke up with him actually.
Um, he had these
really big teeth.
It was like making out
with a Steinway.
I used to be like that, I used
to end things with guys
over the littlest things,
like they're going bald,
or they like ironic mugs,
or they have two first names.
And then she found me,
the perfect male specimen.
No. I, um, realized
I didn't want to be alone.
Ah, see, I just love
the idea of ending up alone.
Wait. You're saying you settled?
No, bear, I didn't
mean it like that.
Kinda sounded like it,
but it's okay,
you're way out of my league,
it's all good.
So, so what about now? A-are you
trying to get back out there?
No, no, no, no, not quite.
Um, I'm just focusing on
launching this app
I've been designing.
Yeah. It's great. I can't
believe no one's thought
about this, tell her.
- No, it's not a big deal.
- Dude, come on.
Okay, um, so, it's helps you
find the closest dive bar.
So you know, like, when
you're out with your friends
and you're like,
"Oh, we don't wanna go home,
but where do we go?"
That's where my app comes in.
Oh, isn't that a feature
on Google Maps?
Yeah, but mine has, um,
pictures and reviews.
Oh, Yelp?
It-it might not work, but, um...
Honestly, I'm just trying
to finish something for once.
I have this really
bad habit of starting
things and then dropping them.
Ugh! I'm like that
with knitting.
You know, I can't tell you
the number of sweaters
that end up as scarves.
Are you guys ready to order
or do you need a minute?
Thank God!
No, no, no, I'm ready.
I'm gonna do
the-the, the spaghetti,
and the chicken marsala,
and the bruschetta.
Um, and more of this bread.
- Please.
- Oh, wow!
- Woof!
- Thanks.
Uh, yeah, we're gonna
share the Caesar salad,
and then, uh, the-the veal
Peter doesn't eat veal.
- Yeah, I do.
- He does.
What? Don't you remember that
video that we watched in college
about veal farming,
you had a panic attack.
You joined the
animal rights club.
- No, I didn't.
- You were dating that girl Pond.
- Her name was Lake.
- You ate hemp meat.
That was, like, no,
that was a long time ago.
Yeah. You went through a really
long phase with the hemp meat.
- Long time ago.
- It was a long time ago.
- No...
- Long time ago...
All right, sorry.
The-the first time I-I
cooked for you,
I made veal meatballs.
Yeah, that was..
They were-they were delicious.
You cried. You cried
and you said that it was,
um, because you were
in love with me.
- It was mostly because of that.
- Because of the veal?
It was not because of the veal.
Honey, those cows are put in
little tiny cages with no light.
Peter, it's not about the cows.
You lied to me.
I know. I love you.
I'm sorry I lied
'cause I love you, I didn't
wanna hurt your feelings.
I've made you veal like
a hundred times since then.
I know.
- Are you laughing at me?
- No, I'm laughing at him.
Um, that's so, like, Peter to
reinvent himself for the
girlfriend of the week.
She's not the girlfriend
of the week, Lexa. Come on.
Oh, no. Sorry.
I didn't mean it like...
- It's fine.
- No, seriously.
Don't be mad at him.
Don't be mad at him.
He's perfect. Be mad at me.
I'm the idiot. I'm stoned.
- She's not stoned. No, you're...
- Yes, I am.
Remember you gave me that
dry bag of weed?
Not stoned, you're not stoned.
- Yeah, it's just really funny.
- No, I'm sorry.
- Honey.
- I had a cough and itching.
No, no, hold me hand.
Hold me hand. Hold me hand.
I'm from Ireland.
Come on, hold my hand.
Lexa's great.
I didn't realize you guys
were so close.
Are we having a fight?
I don't know.
Should we be having a fight?
- Well, about what?
- I don't know.
You tell me.
What are we fighting about?
- Nothing?
- Okay.
Then we're not fighting.
Okay. I'm sorry that I lied
about the veal thing.
I know.
But you don't lie to her.
Well, it's because it's
impossible to hurt her feelings.
Her heart is buried behind
a Shawshank level
security system.
He famously escapes
in that movie.
I'm sorry that I lied. I just,
I hate being the person
to hurt your feelings.
I get why you did it. I just...
I'd rather you be honest
than spare my feelings.
- I'm sorry. I won't lie anymore.
- There's a window of amnesty.
Wanna get anything
off your chest?
- I hate your mom.
- Are you serious?
I have said that she's been a
nightmare for years and years,
and you always defend her.
- That's really weird.
- I know. I mean...
If she had a really hard
childhood, I would understand...
No, she doesn't.
There's like no reason.
She didn't come from a broken
home. She doesn't have
a weird uncle,
she just hates waiters
and puppies
and Keanu Reeves which is...
- I love Keanu Reeves.
- I know you do.
- You really love Keanu Reeves.
- Yeah, I love Keanu Reeves.
- Whoa! Sheryl doesn't.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she thinks
he's too good-looking,
which is like, "What, why?"
I can't unpack your
mom's sexual repression.
- That's a bridge too far.
- I know.
- Yeah.
- Anything else?
- No.
- Because the window's closing.
- That's all I got.
- Okay.
- That's it? Love you.
- I love you.
Wait, wait, wait, I actually
can't have sex with you
'cause I'm thinking
about your mom now.
That's weird. I'm thinking
about your dad.
But I'm, like,
I'm kinda into it.
- Okay. Wait.
- Okay.
- Okay. Wait. All right.
- Okay.
You're kidding now, right?
About my dad.
Want to watch something?
I'm working
and not talking to you
because you were such
a dick at dinner.
You called my girlfriend,
who I'm proposing to,
a girl of the week,
like, really?
Not my finest moment, I'll admit
to that. I'm sorry, really.
You need to apologize
to her tomorrow.
Done. Totally. Got it.
- Dick.
- You love me.
Both can be true.
You're like my annoying.
Chihuahua that pees on the rug
and eats my socks.
Well, I also fit in the purse
and love Taco Bell. Arf!
What's on?
E! Network's movies
be all about love.
Oh, sorry, did I wake you?
I'm late. I'm late. I'm late!
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- You okay?
- Son of a mother!
- Morning! Yeah, there you go.
- Hi, there!
You look like you just
dropped out of an ad
for a well-balanced breakfast.
I mean, thank you.
Hey, sorry about dinner
last night.
Yeah, you know,
Peter's talked about you
since we started dating,
you're just not what I expected.
It's hard to capture
the magnitude of my greatness
in words.
Yeah, exactly. Don't get me
wrong, he sang your praises.
Talked about how funny
and smart you are.
What's happening?
Are you trying to smash?
No, no. I'm just trying to
why the two of you
never got together.
Me and Peter? No. Never.
I mean, maybe if the
circumstances were different,
but... no, the timing was
never right.
So it was just the,
the timing that stopped you two?
You're asking
an impossible question.
Well, haven't you ever
wondered, like...
I wonder about all
my life choices.
You're avoiding the question.
- It's an insane question.
- Maybe.
Well, um,
this was helpful. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you for this.
She was trying to smash.
- This place is really nice.
- Yeah, do you like it?
Can I get you started
with some drinks?
- Yes, um, champagne?
- Uh, I'll get a vodka soda.
Oh, come on, live a little.
Okay, I'll get a vodka, no soda.
She'll get a champagne
and vodka soda.
- I-I don't want champagne.
- We'll get the champagne.
I'm not sure what to do here...
Just bring, uh,
two champagnes, vodka soda,
and I'll just drink it
if you don't want it.
- You drove.
- Yeah, we can Uber.
Pick up the car tomorrow.
It's fine.
- You're acting deranged.
- Yeah, I feel deranged.
- So, yeah, no, I'm good though.
- Okay.
- Do I seem weird?
- Yeah, a little bit.
- No, I'm feeling good.
- Yeah, oh, wow!
That was really fast, um...
- Good. Thank you. Perfect.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much. Yeah.
- You're welcome.
Honey, are you okay?
Are you okay?
There it is.
I was looking for it.
Um, okay, that was supposed to
be in the champagne,
but it came outta your mouth.
Um, it was supposed to
be in the champagne.
Oh, my God!
- Taylor...
- What?
Taylor, I know we've only been
together for three years,
but I feel like
I've known you my whole life.
My mornings don't start until
I'm waking up next to you
and they don't end until
you're laying in bed with me.
Oh God!
I just, I can't believe
I found you.
I would love to spend
the rest of my life with you.
So Taylor Bethesda Hamelin,
will you marry me?
- I... I...
- Are you crying?
- Yeah. Yes, I...
- Yes? Yes? She said yes!
- No. No!
- Thank you.
- No!
- No.
Yes, thank you,
that's very talented
but we don't need music
right now, thank you.
You can all get
back to your dinner. Thank you.
Can you just get up?
Wait. I think I'm having
a panic attack.
- Hey, I do love you...
- Wait, wait. I can't breathe.
- Okay. Honey.
- I can't see.
- Just stop for a second?
- I'm having a pa-panic attack.
- I, I do love you...
- I am having a panic attack.
Hey, can you stop?
Okay, yep.
Peter, I love you more than
I can express in words,
but something about this
doesn't feel right...
You-you-you're not you're ready.
Well, what do you want me
to do to prove to you
that I am ready, like,
would you like me
to tattoo your name on my ass?
The fact that you'd even
suggest that
proves my point,
you're immature.
I thought you liked
that about me.
I like that you're
spontaneous and fun
and you get me out of
my own head.
But-but when I saw
you and Lexa together,
i-it proved to me that
it's more than that.
- You're-you're a child.
- Okay.
Well, let me be your
child bride then.
- My what? No! No!
- Like, I'll be your child bride.
I think there's just, like,
part of you i-i-is stuck in
your past, stuck in whatever
you and Lexa share together.
And until you put that behind
you, I can't be with you.
I don't understand why
you keep bringing up Lexa.
I just don't want you to wake up
in five years and realize
you married the wrong person.
It's not gonna happen, Taylor.
- Taylor?
- I'm really sorry, Peter.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
She was kidding.
She'll come back.
Where's Taylor?
I thought you guys were
staying at The Drake tonight.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- No!
There's booze here.
I'll tell you what,
I'll start drinking,
in honor of you
and these tough times,
and if you wanna join me,
you're more than welcome to.
Okay. I'm drinking alone now.
But it's in solidarity.
We're gonna get through
this together, you, me,
and this bottle of vodka.
Okay. Enough, Peter.
It's been days.
If you don't open this door,
I'm gonna break it down.
I'm gonna have the fire
department break it down.
It's open.
Okay. I'm here to help.
I didn't know what stage
of grief you would be in,
so I brought choices.
So we have low fat ice cream
and romantic comedies.
Pizza pockets
and kung fu movies.
Or whiskey and porn.
Okay, we'll start with
Sleepless in Seattle
and end with
When Harry bones Sally.
- Just give me a second.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Here we go.
- Starting with a rom-com.
- I don't like it.
This is your medicine.
Um, yum yum. Oooh!
I hate everyone in the world
except you.
Oh, yeah.
Time for Shaolin Soccer.
But I think
they're making dumplings
and then
they're soccer involved.
Open mouth and eat pizza.
This is gonna be
the sexiest time
that we've ever had right now.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! What the...
Look, keep looking at it.
I thought we were gonna spend
the rest of my life together.
And then it turned out
that I'm not now.
I just don't know
what to do anymore.
Emilio Estevez was our waiter
last night at Red Lobster.
- There's no way it was him.
- Oh! It was. Well...
You and me, tomorrow night,
Red Lobster, Emilio Estevez.
I'm not going to Red Lobster
with you.
Because I got better things
to do than stalk somebody
who probably doesn't even
resemble Emilio Estevez.
And also I don't want to get
banned at another Red Lobster.
What did you do?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- I'd love you to talk about it.
Then fine, let's just say,
I realized you can actually
get seasick from just
eating from a shellfish.
Like, I-I-I knew it was a thing,
but I never realized, like,
you could, just don't mix
oysters, lobsters, shrimps,
and crabs all in one go.
- Oh, God!
- You look like shit.
Taylor left me.
- I proposed and she left.
- Yeah, I know.
Everyone at the office heard
you bathroom crying.
- Thank you.
- I don't know what to do, Doug.
I tried emailing,
calling, texting.
She's ignoring me at the office.
I even sent her an Edible
Arrangement and then an EpiPen
'cause she's allergic to
pineapples and I didn't want
to give her the wrong idea.
Hey! What can I do to help?
I don't know, man. How do
I stop feeling like this?
Oh, easy. Death is the most
option but second to that,
start dating someone else.
It's only been a week.
I know, but to get
over one person,
you got to get under another.
Sorry, I've been watching
a lot of Sex and the City.
I'm a Samantha.
What am I going to do?
Have you ever tried
online dating?
Yeah, I'm awful at it. My bios
are super awkward
and I'm bad at dick pics.
Dude, you need a ring
light and a low angle.
It's a good shot.
Trust. All right.
If online dating is a no-go,
why not try for
someone you already know?
I don't like most people I know.
Yeah, what about
Carol from accounting?
You know, now that she's gotten
her halitosis under
control, she's kind of the
office babe.
- Who? Never heard of Carol.
- Yeah, we saw her on Monday.
Ca-rol. We're always like,
"Oh, there's Carol!"
- Darryl?
- What?
- I have an awkward question.
- Okay.
How come we never went out?
I don't want to kick you
while you're down.
Having said that, I would rather
have sex with that couch
you had in college.
Oh, the one with the smells?
The one that had a squirrel
living in it.
- Right. Why? I'm a catch.
- You're not really my type.
- Unemployed?
- Touche.
You know, this is the first
time we've both
been single at the same time
since college.
- Where are you going with this?
- Let me just take you on a date.
Friends shouldn't
rebound with friends.
- Why? You're my favorite hang.
- Peter. Come on.
You're the only person I can
be completely honest with.
Your lumpy parts
don't disgust me.
- Wow, flattery. Uh-huh.
- All good things.
What if we're like Meg Ryan in
all those movies, where, like,
the answer has been right
there the entire time.
Or what if we're like those
porn actresses that kind of
look like Meg Ryan and the only
thing that's gonna come off
this is I get screwed
and you leave?
Well, have you never
thought about it at all?
- Not even for a second?
- Honestly...
Fine, yes, yes, of course
I've thought about it,
but there's a reason I never
did anything about it.
I mean, this kind of thing
only works out in the movies.
- And in real life it's a mess.
- Yeah, but
we're already messes also.
What's the worst
that can happen?
A murder-suicide.
That's pretty bad. Second worst?
- We ruin the friendship.
- Not if we decide up front.
We go, "Hey, guess what, we're
not gonna ruin the friendship.
No matter what happens
or what does not happen."
That's what we'll say.
You got it.
I'll think about it.
Best and final offer.
- All right, I'll take it.
- Okay.
- Want to go bowling?
- No!
- As friends.
- Maybe, we'll see.
She's really coming
into her own.
- I know.
- So cute. Look at that bee.
I was so worried
she'd look like Doug.
Why? Doug's handsome.
Yeah, well, all the parts
that you can see,
but he has the weirdest
body hair.
He's got this patch
on his chest that looks like
the bat signal, and his ass is
hairier than his head.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
For our fifth anniversary,
he decided to shave himself
from the neck down,
huge mistake.
So, does he just
always have, like,
a full body 5 o' clock shadow?
Oh, yeah, I'm having sex
with a chubby cactus
for the rest of my life.
But, I love him, so whatever.
You know?
Anyways, that is enough
about me and Doug.
Are you gonna go out with Peter?
Oh, Peter told Doug
and Doug cannot
keep a secret to save his life.
Okay, well.
I definitely can't say yes.
He just got dumped by the woman
he thought he was gonna spend
the rest of his life with.
Oh, my God,
you think I should yes?
Okay, normally, I would say no,
but you're Lexa and Peter.
We all knew you'd end up
together eventually.
What do you mean, "We all knew?"
It just seemed inevitable.
He was in love with you
all through college, and you
kept dating douche bags.
- They weren't douche bags.
- Wife-beater Kenny?
- Kenny never wore wife-beaters.
- No, Lexa.
He seemed like the kind of
guy that would beat his wife.
I'm not gonna argue that.
Greg stole all your underwear,
and Mark who had
sex with the ficus.
Mark was sleep walker.
He was sleep-humping.
I don't know, the point is,
we figured you two would find
each other eventually.
Why? Because a girl and a guy
can't just be friends?
No, because he's just better
than the other guys you dated.
And you two just always look
like you were having more
fun together than everyone
else in the room.
That's what it's about, right?
Damn it.
Are you worried it will
mess up the friendship?
I'm worried because
I think you're right.
Peter and I have something great
and if I can't make it
work out with him,
then I won't be able to make it
work out with anyone.
Yeah, all due respect,
that's dumb.
No, it isn't.
You're letting fear control you.
You are, if nothing else,
brave, Lexa.
You should give it a go.
Just take the time to figure out
if you and Peter
are meant to be.
- You know you want him.
- Maybe a little bit.
Someone's at the door!
Peter, could you grab the door?
- Hi!
- Hi!
- These are for you.
- What's happening?
I'm picking you up for our date.
Are we in a Hallmark movie?
Most girls say "Thank you"
when you get them flowers.
- I hate Hallmark movies.
- They say "Thank you."
And then they say, "I'll go
put them in some water."
- No, that's a lie.
- No, that's what they say.
No, I secretly love
Hallmark movies.
Oh, my God, same! Have you seen
Christmas Village.
Town for the Christmas People?
- That's the best one.
- So good.
- You're early.
- Yeah, there's no traffic.
I'm not ready yet.
Okay, I'll just
make myself at home.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
I'll go put them in some water.
Thank you.
Thank God I made a reservation.
Just one guy.
Luke used to hate
places like this.
Why did you guys
really break up?
So sorry, but if this
was just a friend hang,
you could totally
ask about my ex.
- Lexa, come on.
- Show me a magic trick.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
would never leave the house
without a magic trick
up his sleeve.
- There's no magic trick.
- Okay, I get it.
You don't want to bring out
your closer too early.
- There's no magic trick.
- Really?
- Okay, there's a magic trick.
- That's what I thought.
If you casually lean forward
so I can see down your shirt.
Excuse me.
I mean it won't work in this
dress, but I know your moves.
- I do not do that.
- Oh, really?
Oh, that's so interesting.
I didn't know coconuts
weren't really nuts.
Oh, wait. Hold on.
Weren't really nuts. Huh, boob.
Okay, I have never talked
about nuts on a first date.
Uh, I wonder what other
nuts are not really nuts.
I read a-an article in
the New Yorker the other day,
it was fascinating.
I just wanna talk about nuts.
I know this artist in Cambodia,
he makes sculptures
out of shoes.
I love nuts.
He reminds me of this artist
that we talked about in class.
- Uh, the Ivy League.
- I love nuts so much.
But not as much as
having no job.
I think you're less interesting
than a gum ball.
- Will you marry me? Screw you.
- What? Wait, what?
If you think I'm such a loser,
then why are we even doing this?
I-I-I don't think
you're a loser.
Then what is that,
why are you making fun
of the fact I don't have
a job right now?
- I was just joking.
- It's not funny. Joke funnier.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Looking through the glass.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Looking over fence!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
I can't see anything except
my dad's friend Jacob.
Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!
- Where are you, Jacob?
- Oh, my God, he's on fire!
- He's burning!
- Oh, no! Jacob's on fire!
- Call the fireman!
- Ding-dong!
- Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!
- I'm a fire...
Please... You're disturbing
the other patrons.
- I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Totally zoned out.
- Sorry about that!
- Thank you.
Well, we'll never
doing this again.
- Never again.
- Could not have gone worse.
- What?
- Oh, I think I feel sick.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Yeah, no, yeah I do. Oh!
- It's the other way.
- Ooh! Ooh! Oh!
- Help!
- What? Help, how?
Uh, we'll just get the bill.
Oh, my God!
Damn that Hole In The Wall
Was it the restaurant
or the donut you ate
out of the trash this morning?
- You saw that?
- Yeah, unfortunately.
I thought it was so good.
But it did make me thirsty
enough to get like four chugs
into that milk carton
in the back of your fridge
before I realized
it had spoiled.
It's amazing to me that
you're still alive.
I'm a little cockroach.
So is this the, um, worst first
date you've ever had or..
Don't flatter yourself.
This doesn't even make top five.
- I'll get you water.
- Okay. Thank you.
Great place. Love the d.
- How was the date?
- Bodily fluids were involved...
- No, not the good ones.
- Ew. Tell me more. No. Less.
Ah, I'm torn. Hold that thought.
- Ah. Hey! Nice fit.
- Hi!
She's going through
De Niro phase.
She's obsessed with his style.
Never seen the movies. I don't
know, kid TikTok is hell.
Do you remember me?
Last time we saw each other
was at the Rainforest Cafe?
I got you that stuffed giraffe.
No, not really, no.
Can you get your finger
out of your mouth?
Um, can you get your
nose out of my business?
- Watch it.
- Oh, you're bleeding.
Honey, don't suck your blood.
It's not healthy.
Why won't anyone just
let me live?
Are you sure you can handle that
'cause she can be a handful?
- Good thing I have two hands.
- Okay.
We'll be fine. I know CPR.
I'll Google everything else.
Amazing! You're a life saver.
I really owe you one.
Yeah, I was thinking
20 bucks an hour.
Yeah, I...
Sorry, I didn't realize this
was like a job for you, so.
But that's fine.
How about 30 dollars an hour?
- I... No!
- No, you know CPR.
- I don't CPR, it's...
- I don't know CPR.
I was saying that for effects.
- I think you've earned it.
- I haven't done anything.
I'm trying to end
this conversation
the least awkward way possible.
Got it! Thank you!
- Be good!
- Love you!
Don't come in.
- What are you doing?
- Just working on something.
An app that helps adults
find elite establishments
in which to imbibe.
What are you doing?
Enjoying the slow march
to death,
one level of Candy Crush
at a time.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Oh, don't be mad.
I flushed a bunch of candy corn
down the toilet
and it's making a weird noise.
Why? Why would you do that?
'Cause I thought it was
looking at me funny and I...
- I have a surprise.
- What?
- Can you get dressed? Yeah.
- Right now?
- He-he-he-he!
- What are you... Whoa!
Are we going to the zoo?
Or the planetarium?
Well, I'm not taking you on
a middle school field trip.
- Oh! Are we going to Spain?
- Yeah, we are walking to Spain.
- Ha! I knew it.
- It's gonna take two years.
Okay? Stop it.
Don't guess anymore.
You're gonna love it, I promise.
- Oh, are we going to Benihana?
- No!
Okay, wait,
keep your eyeballs shut.
Well, okay.
Do not open your eyeball.
Ready? Keep going.
Then what would be the point
of putting your hand there?
- I can do it without your hand.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Okay.
- Okay, ta-da!
- What am I looking at?
- This is where we first met.
- We first met in a lecture hall.
- No! Tha-that was Psych 102.
This was the first spot. Okay,
I was leaving a party
upstairs, remember?
You were sitting literally right
there, drunk off your ass.
I came up to you, I was like,
"Hey! Where do you live?"
Because I wanted to make
sure you got home okay.
- Such a freshman.
- But you forgot your address.
You were like, "I forget!
I don't know where I live."
And I was like, "Wait, what?"
But then,
you did the entire speech
at the end of Rocky...
Rocky 4, yes.
And when you finished,
I was like, "Whoa!"
This person is the coolest,"
and so we became friends.
- High five!
- Aww!
Well, that story's both
sweet and creepy.
How is it creepy?
Because apparently I didn't
remember any of that night,
and you were in the back of
the lecture hall leering at me.
- Were you also pining?
- I wasn't pining.
Leering and pining and lusting.
Okay, you ruined a moment
we were supposed to have.
- It smells like farts in here.
- We're done.
Off to tonight's spot?
Oh, there's another spot
on this train of fun?
- Yes. Miniature golf.
- Yay!
Right, are you prepared to
have your masculinity
challenged by a girl?
Oh, you think you can
beat me at this?
Oh, I know I can beat
you in this game.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Every time I have played
you at this game, I won.
Yeah, but I have
grown into my muscles,
an-and you have withered with...
Yeah? I don't even need to look.
A gopher in roller skates
could beat you at this game.
Well, I could beat a gopher
with this golf club,
so, circle of life.
I'm going to beat you so bad,
you'll think my name is Kenny.
Jesus! Everyone hated him
so much and no one said
anything about him?
Oh, I said things. You're just
really stummer, stubborn.
So you're just really stummer.
- That does sound like me. Tink!
- That was a terrible shot.
But you looked
really cute doing it.
Oh, thanks.
The best thing about
miniatures golf is that
even when you're losing,
you're winning.
Oh, son!
- Ah! God, I love sports.
- I know you do.
- Okay, hole two?
- Hole two, bitch!
Okay, let's go!
Oh, my God! Watch out!
Oh, my God! My God!
What are you doing here?
- Ooh!
- All right, okay, okay.
- We're one with the wall.
- They can't see us.
They can't see us
if we're part of the wall.
Take me home.
It's nicer.
Okay, I'll look out
for your cat.
Goodnight, Mrs. Yang.
Are you gonna freak me up?
Yeah, um,
do you-do you want me to...
- Put on some music.
- Okay. Um...
- Lexa.
- What's up?
That if we continue
on this trajectory...
Thank you.
- Hey, home is this way.
- You have gymnastics.
No! Gymnastics literally
makes me want to die.
Why do I have to go?
Because the family calendar
says so.
- So?
- Good point.
All right, if you wanna skip
I'm good with that.
But if your mom asks,
you were feeling sick.
You cool lying to your mom?
I'm eight.
Of course I lie to my mother.
All right.
- You're so good.
- Practice makes perfect.
There we go again.
You should be at gymnastics.
- She twisted her ankle.
- My appendix exploded.
Okay. How about you go get
ready for dinner?
- Wash your hands.
- Yep, yep!
Sorry, I know I shouldn't
encourage her but...
Oh, it's fine. I've seen her
on the balance beams,
she's no Simone Biles.
Okay, can you tell me about
what's happening with Peter?
Everything is going good-ish.
I mean, there's a reason why
we are best friends, right?
He's sweet, he's funny but...
I don't know, we've been
on a couple of dates
and he still just feels like
he is my best friend
who I sometimes make out with.
This is very PG-13.
Have you had sex?
So you haven't seen
his dick yet?
I've seen his dick.
- What? Okay.
- Through his jeans.
I've not had sex with him,
so, I don't know.
What if he is really weird
in bed?
Even better.
I dated a guy once,
he kept saying
I'm having a very nice time,
while he was inside of me.
- That's sweet.
- Ew! Sweet? No.
That's what you say when you're
having tea with your Aunt Milred
not when you're balls
deep in an 18-year-old.
The best sex I ever had
was with this guy
who used to collect my hairs
from the drain
and make these little dolls
with them.
He would make them
and then line them up,
and he would name them too,
and they'd be like
his neighbors and the baker
and things like that,
but the sex was good.
I promise, I promise, it sounds
weird. And it was weird.
- Was it kinky?
- It was pretty kinky.
Can you please have sex
with Peter?
You obviously want to or we
wouldn't be having
this conversation.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Uh, what are you doing here?
Oh, um, I'm here to
get things that I left.
Oh, okay. Uh, yeah, I didn't see
your stuff lying around.
- My hair dryer?
- Hair dryer?
- Yeah.
- Um, okay.
Yeah, it's in the bottom
- That's... yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.
Um, is there anything else here?
Uh, how are you?
I'm fine.
- It's good.
- Yeah. Well, not particularly.
Right. Yeah.
Are you, you're okay?
I'm fine.
I'm double parked,
so, I should go.
Don't know what I'd do,
it's my favorite device.
- Were you talking to me?
- What?
- I thought I heard voices.
- Uh, no.
It was just like group of men
walking up the road.
But I'm gonna take a quick
showie, shower.
Peter! Your phone's ringing!
It's okay,
just pick it up. Okay.
For next weekend?
Yep, I'll let him know.
Thank you.
Lakeside Pines called earlier.
- Oh, God, don't be mad.
- No, no, no.
I'm not mad, I just don't want
this to be awkward.
It makes sense that
you would wanna plan
a great vacation like that
for her...
It's not for her. It's for us.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
I thought it would be nice to
get away for a couple of days.
- Just us. Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.
- We should go horseback riding.
Well, it's dead of winter
but yeah.
Then what are we supposed to do
out there?
Kind of eliminates
all outdoor activities.
I don't know.
There's lots to do.
- Wait. Oh, my God.
- What?
You didn't plan us a sex
vacation for us, did you?
- What? No! No, no, I know that.
- Because we haven't even...
That'd be like going
from zero to...
You know, a 100. Yeah, no.
It was just...
that-that was like a break.
It was a nice break,
I thought in my mind.
This will be fun and the photos
were so idyllic.
You do love Nora Ephron moment.
- I do. Yeah. Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Mm.
- Okay. Oh, God!
- No, it's not a sex vacation.
I know, I know, I know, sorry.
It's just that, now that
we said it,
I can't even really ignore it.
You want me to call and cancel?
- Uh-uh. No.
- I'll call and cancel.
- Put the phone down. Stop.
- Excuse me.
It's fine.
This is what we're gonna
do, I'm going to leave
and we're gonna
pretend like this conversation
never happened.
Where are you going? What?
- Your purse. Your beer?
- I'm moving.
- You can have it.
- You're just leaving. Okay.
Oh, bird house.
That's cute.
Welcome to The Lakeside Pines!
- Hear that?
- What was that?
- Oh! They're here.
- We're right here.
Are we in the right spot?
We parked here?
- That's firm.
- The bed, yeah. It's nice.
Oh, Jesus, we're about
to scissor, aren't we?
Okay, don't... Okay,
take a-take a breath.
And then you're going to
want to be the little spoon.
Well, what if I want to be
the little...
- You're freaking out. Yeah.
- No, I'm not.
- You're freaking out a little...
- No, I'm not.
- Just a little bit.
- I'm not. You're freaking out.
I'm not freaking out.
What if it's bad?
Okay, worst things have happened
to better people.
You're my best friend.
So, whatever does
or doesn't happen here
it won't change that.
- Okay. Okay.
- It won't. Okay?
Sex has destroyed
civilizations, I think
it could take us down
if it wanted to.
Well, you aren't Helen of Troy.
You use that line
on all the girls?
Only the ones that I like.
- Whoo!
- Wow!
- You are Helen of Troy.
- Thank you.
- That was... yeah.
- Thank you.
All those years of field work
have made you quite a contender.
Sounds like you just used
a bunch of fancy words
to call me a slut in a nice way.
No, it's good.
I had a good time.
- Hm, yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- You're strong and bendy.
- Yoga.
I wanna start doing that.
You were great, but I can send
you some videos if you want.
- Really? Yeah, send 'em.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I will.
- Okay.
- I'm hungry, you hungry?
- I'm hungry.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's get something to eat.
- We'll eat.
- Again.
- Oh, that was a good one.
- Thanks.
- Basket's over there.
- Yeah.
- You want to get it?
- You go get it.
No, actually, this is
a marmalade, not a jam.
Here, try it.
You almost stabbed me
in the eye.
But I didn't,
and that's what matters.
Oh, anyway, a jam's usually made
of crushed or chopped fruits,
sugar, pectin, lemon juice,
marmalades are made
with citrus fruits.
And pieces of peel. Oh, God.
Oh, stop it.
That is the most boring thing
I have ever heard in my life.
Just wait till
we get to compote.
Isn't that a movie with
Philip Seymour Hoffmann?
- That's Copote.
- Right.
Too much sugar.
What's that?
Don't fight me, don't fight.
Is there a fight coming?
Yeah, it depends
on the next ten seconds.
Okay. Lexa.
Um, I was gonna bring Taylor
here and then we broke up.
- And I forgot to cancel...
- Of course.
This was for Taylor.
We both hate stuff like this.
W-wait. Actually, no, actually
I did cancel, I tried to cancel.
Peter, I even asked you if it
was for her. I gave you the out.
Would you prefer,
I told you the truth?
Yes, no, I-I don't know.
We just,
we never lie to each other ever.
Really? So the real reason
you broke up with Luke
was 'cause of his big teeth?
If you had told me the truth,
it would've been weird.
But I still would've wanted
to come because
I would've been with you
and we always have fun together.
- But, this changes things.
- Okay, wait. Lexa, wait.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh! Do it with me.
- No.
Just one time.
Looking through the glass...
- Peter, stop.
- Ooh, ooh! Over things?
Your turn. Chime in. Please.
You can't just sing
the Jacob Song
and expect everything
to be better.
Not this time.
I feel gross.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Came to get a paper clip. Yeah.
- Oh, cool. Nice.
Last week would've been
our anniversary.
- You know? Yeah.
- I know. Yeah. Yeah.
So, I know that things
are weird between us
but I was wondering if you
wanted to come over
for dinner Thursday?
That night that you proposed,
I said some things
that I shouldn't have and...
I-I just would
really like to talk.
- Because, I, I miss you.
- Yeah. Um, well, I gotta...
I gotta get these to Dave.
- 'Cause Dave said he needed...
- Yeah. Dave.
Oh, you're gonna do it
right now? Okay.
Yeah. Except, Dave's
the other way.
No, I know, I know,
I was just looking.
Uh, Thursday, invitation's open.
Yeah, not for you.
No offense. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- You're ready to go?
Doug and Ella? Dinner?
Oh God, yeah, I forgot.
Can you just make up a lie?
I don't want to deal with them
asking questions about our trip.
You're gonna make me
face them alone.
Seems like the least
you can do, yeah.
No, don't do this to me.
Ella's gonna figure out
that we got in a fight.
- She's gonna yell at me.
- She's a great friend that way.
And then Doug gonna drink
too many wine spritzers
and start crying about
how much he loves Blake.
Phew! That sounds
awful. God speed.
I'm just a poor boy.
Give me like five minutes
to get dressed.
Welcome to Casa de Doug
y Ella y Blake!
- Wow, take it down a notch.
- What? It's Fiesta Night.
I made fiesta fajitas.
Come on, feel the music.
- Okay, all right.
- Would you give us a minute?
- What're you doing?
- Let's make up.
I'm over this fight. Yeah.
I thought about it and what you
did wasn't that bad, plus,
I think we're gonna need
each other to get through
this Fiesta night.
You know,
the door isn't sound proof.
If we're fighting,
they're gonna pick up on it.
It's gonna make this
even weirder.
- Okay, um...
- Super thin.
It's definitely gonna get weird.
Okay, so you wanna just skip
to the end where
we make up like we always do?
Yeah, if that's how you wanna
look at it, sure.
- But it feels so easy.
- Take the win, Lambida.
- Ole.
- Hey.
- Hi!
- Hi, wow!
- Did you hear us fighting?
- I heard everything.
- Thank you.
- You doing okay?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
I was kidding.
No, it's so horrible,
they like suck up your blood,
you're their food source.
Argh! I'm gotta throw up.
This was delicious Doug,
thank you.
Taylor gave us the recipe
actually, sorry.
Oh, that's okay,
you can say her name.
Yeah. That's not awkward at all.
- Don't make that noise.
- What?
That noise. That's gross,
we have guests.
- I don't care.
- I'm fine.
See, they don't care.
I think you're being polite
because it's disgusting.
I think, they all remember you
slipping on your own vomit.
- I remember that.
- I remember that.
And, it doesn't matter.
What? Gosh, does it count?
- Yes, it does.
- Those are tense.
- Are you...
- Are you, what?
- In AA?
- No. Why would you ask that?
- You're pregnant.
- Oh! No, um...
- I was going to some meetings.
- You're pregnant.
- Because you stopped drinking.
- I'm not pregnant.
Wait a minute, I haven't seen
you smoke in weeks.
- You were smoking?
- You're in the family way.
- With child.
- I had to give up my cigars.
And this whole time
you've been smoking?
Hey, okay. First of all,
I don't big, not even
- I know that.
- Second of all.
When you smoke cigars
you smell like my father.
I was starting to have very
complicated dreams.
And third of all,
I am not pregnant.
- She's pregnant!
- Doug!
- I'm sorry. What?
- Oh, God!
I'm sorry. I had to tell.
I'm so excited.
- Yaay! Congratulations.
- Jesus, um, I'm at ten weeks.
We just had agreed
not to tell anyone
because we've had some false
starts, so...
- And we're moving to suburbs.
- Damn it, Doug.
I told you, I'm bursting.
- Wow!
- Yeah!
Good schools, the kids
will have a backyard...
I guess they know
what the suburbs are.
But I thought you guys were
such city people.
Where're you thinking?
Like, Evans ton?
Well, we've just put an offer
on a place in Oak Park.
- Oak Park, that's on my list.
- Your "list?"
I mean,
it just makes sense. Right?
Quick commute for work,
the kids will have fun.
We're going up.
Moving to the suburbs!
- Nice.
- Yes, really nice.
And you're excited?
- Yes, I'm excited.
- Yes!
I'll drink to that. Cheers.
- Congratulations, guys.
- Thank you, thank you.
So happy for you guys.
- Please drink my wine.
- Happy for you.
I could cry right now.
But I'm not gonna.
You look little jealous today.
Please don't. You haven't
even had dessert yet.
- I'm too big a screw up for you.
- You are not a screw up.
A baby called me a screw up at
the supermarket the other...
A baby did not call you
a screw up.
- He did. With his eyes.
- You're a lunatic.
- But you aren't a screw up.
- I am.
Okay, if you're a screw up,
then I'm a screw up.
- That's adorable.
- I pee in the shower.
- Not sometimes, every day.
- That's all you got?
Sometimes I pee in the shower
when I'm not taking a shower.
Why? It's really weird.
I lost my neighbor's cat
and instead of telling him,
I replaced it with a cat
from the shelter.
I forgot to pay my bills,
so I didn't have hot water
or power for three weeks.
I sometimes go to soup kitchens
just to watch homeless people
and feel better about myself.
Well, you know what?
You're a bad person.
But you're not a screw up.
Who cares?
You should. You want to move
to the suburbs.
- Yeah, one day.
- Yeah. With a wife and kids...
Well, I don't need
the picket fence thing.
- But, yeah, that's the idea.
- Well, you can't do that.
With someone who's life is a
mess. I mean, I guess you could,
like my mom did.
But look how that turned out.
You're not a mess.
You turned out great.
What're you talking about?
I didn't break up with Luke
because of his teeth.
I actually really
loved his beaver teeth.
But he started bringing
up the future.
The wife and the kids, and I
felt myself pushing him away.
And then, Luke met
Kimberly Mint.
Kimberly's are bitches.
Maybe, but she was ready
for all that.
And Luke fell in love
with her instead.
And when that happened,
I fell apart.
I drank too much,
and I smoked too much.
And, I messed up at work
and got fired.
- The sandwich place?
- Yeah.
- Free sandwiches?
- Yeah.
And then my landlord
threatened to evict me
so I moved back here.
You're ready for
something serious.
And that's great.
But I don't know if I'm ever
gonna be a Kimberly Mint.
Why're you looking at me
like that?
- Try it.
- Well, now, I don't want to.
- Just try it.
- You try it.
I didn't do anything
weird to it.
I don't know.
You're seriously going to ruin
this right now, aren't you?
Ruin what?
Your assassination attempt?
It's only an assassination
attempt if you're of
international significance.
But you don't denying
you're trying to kill me?
It's eggplant parmigiana,
Peter. Eggplant.
- Oh! So, I'm the butthole.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.
- It's good.
- You hate it.
I want to like it,
but it's not me.
I went to the dark side
and I can't come back.
- You're unbelievable.
- Actually, yeah, no.
The tastes are kicking in
at the end and it's now
forming a beautiful thing
that you've done.
Thank you, I'm gonna
keep eating it, watch.
Watch this. Ready? Hm!
When I said "No" to your
proposal, I said
it was because you weren't ready
but I wasn't ready.
You-you weren't who I was
expecting to
end up with,
you think farts are funny.
Well, objectively they are.
Like scientifically.
You didn't have
health insurance until
I gave it to you
for your birthday.
You're a man-child,
it freaked me out and...
Wait, did you just invite me
over to insult my personality?
I invited you over to
ask you to marry me.
- Oh, my God! Are you dying?
- Why would I be dying?
I don't know. Why would you
ask me to marry you?
- You annoy the shit out of me.
- Okay.
And, there are so many things
that, that drive me crazy
about you, like, you-you leave
your dirty socks
in my living room.
And-and you put the empty milk
carton back in the fridge
instead of throwing it out,
and you've made
the 11 o'clock news
into a drinking game,
for God's sake but for some
stupid reason
you're the first person I think
about in the morning,
and the last person
I think about at night.
I'm just a little bit confused
because 90 percent of that
was insult.
And a ten percent stalker.
Well, I love you so much
I can look past
all of your glaring flaws.
Thank you.
You're the person
that I can't live without
that I don't want to
live without.
- You broke up with me, Taylor.
- I know.
I just, I-I was nervous that,
that you
and I could never have
what you and Lexa have.
I broke up with you
because I was scared
and dumb, not because
I stopped loving you.
I never stopped loving you
Then let's get married.
I can't.
Why? Give me one
good reason why.
I'm dating Lexa.
Oh! That's a good reason.
- Yeah.
- Is it serious?
I don't know, it's complicated,
it's been a month only but...
Yeah, I don't, I don't know
what else to say, Taylor.
Say you'll marry me.
I need to talk to you.
Can you just... I don't know.
Call her a cab
to go somewhere else?
We can't kick her out.
I'm not saying to
kick her out. I'm just saying
at a certain point,
you're too old to be
crashing at people's places.
She's going through
a really rough time.
We're all going through
a rough time, sweetie.
That's literally what being
an adult is, a rough time.
Jeez! When did you become
so hard-hearted?
I just want my living room,
is that so wrong?
She's our friend.
You ever wonder if we met
some of the people
we're friends with now,
we'd still want to be
friends with them?
- Journal about it. Okay.
- Oh, I will.
- Wife was rude.
- Wife is hot as shit.
Aren't you old to-old to
be a babysitter?
- No.
- My last babysitter was 14.
Oh, so your parents made
two bad decisions I see.
Yeah, well, Lexa's my babysitter
for now but she also has an app.
- So...
- Yeah. That's right.
So do you still have to live
with your parents?
Listen. Being an adult is hard.
Harder than people tell you,
and sometimes
your plans don't work out
and your whole life
goes to hell and the worst part
about it is
nobody is even surprised because
you're just fulfilling
this little prophecy that they
had in their head for you.
So, basically everything about
being an adult sucks.
Shit! I'm sorry.
- Please, don't do that. Um...
- Being an adult sucks?
Lexa, fix it, fix it, fix it!
It's just gonna suck for a long
time and then you die?
- That's it?
- No! No, no, no. No, no.
That's not what's gonna happen.
You seem like a great kid
with rich enough parents
so, you're probably gonna be
totally fine
even if you have a run
for a few years,
it's gonna be cool,
you're gonna be cool.
So, just relax.
And here, have a string cheese.
I'm not supposed to have dairy.
I won't tell if you don't.
Thank you.
Okay, listen, you guys.
You're great.
And, I'm a screw-up.
You guys don't have anything
to worry about.
- Oh, my God! Stop.
- What?
Your biggest problem is you.
You're so mopey.
But your life is pretty good.
You kind of have a job,
you get to hang out with me all
day which is obviously sick.
You have an app
which could totally fail,
but at least you're trying
to do something.
Most adults don't even try.
They settle down and get
a 9 to 5, like my dad.
- Your dad's great.
- No shit.
He's the best,
but he's not brave.
Ugh, all this motivational
speaking made me tired
and hungry, I'm gonna take
a snack break.
Hey, Lex. I wanted to
talk to you in person
but I think you're avoiding me.
Which I totally understand.
But um, Taylor asked me
to marry her.
And, I think I might say yes.
Um, I know, it's awkward
over a voice message,
but I don't know how to get
a hold of you.
Uh, so, I don't know
what else to say.
But I-I hope you are doing
good, uh, yeah.
Take care.
Hey, how's it going?
- What?
- You like music?
- What?
- Music?
- This music?
- Yeah.
- My ears are bleeding.
- I know. It's great.
Oh, that was new.
- Good new? Yeah?
- Yeah. Like, great! Great!
Where'd you learn that?
- Hm, um...
- Right. Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna shower.
Oh, my God!
Pete, so like...
what was it like dating her?
Peter? I know you can hear me.
This is a trap. This
whole conversation is a trap.
- It's a simple question.
- Okay.
I-I'm not the bad guy here.
I played by the rules.
You broke up with me.
I didn't tell you to sleep
with your best friend!
I know that you're hurt right
now but I did not
cheat on you, I was depressed
and I was looking for someone
to feel better.
- So wait, it was a rebound?
- Yes. No, a 100 percent.
It was a mistake.
She's gasoline, I'm a match.
You're the person
I'm meant to be with.
And it's over?
It's complicated.
I'll, I'll fix...
You didn't fix it already?
Like, what does that mean?
And why is your junk covered?
What are you doing?
'Cause this is a hostile
"Hostile?" It's not hostile,
Peter. I love you.
I'm in no hostility towards him.
He's my... I love him.
- I deserve him.
- You deserve it.
I deserve to see him
at all times.
Yes, you do.
Come on.
Okay, don't-don't pee
in the shower, please.
How have you been?
I slept with a kid named River.
- No.
- Yep.
I screwed a River,
you nailed a Pond.
Her name was Lake.
Oh, I saw your app in the app
store. It's really great.
Oh, were you one of the
nine people
that have downloaded it so far?
- Well, these things take time.
- Yeah, I tried.
There's something to that,
Exactly. Yeah. You should be
proud of yourself.
- I am.
- Good.
Can we not do this anymore?
This sucks.
- Can we just go back to normal?
- That's not that easy.
Yes, it is. We agreed that if
dating didn't work out,
we would go back
to being friends
just like nothing had changed.
- Things did change.
- Why? Because we had sex?
No, because I'm engaged.
- Bro's before hoes. Yes, I am.
- You're not my bro.
I don't sleep
with my other bro's.
So this is because we had sex.
No, it's because
I'm getting married
and I can't put our friendship
above everything else anymore.
I'm not asking you to do that.
I can't hurt Taylor anymore.
I'm not asking you to
do that either.
I think we just need
to take some space.
How much space do you need? We
already haven't spoken in weeks.
Well, as much as it takes to
make her feel okay.
Wait, are, are you
friend-dumping me right now?
I wish there was another way,
but I-I-I just can't see it.
Okay, so not only can we not go
back to being best friends
like you agreed we would, but
we can't be friends at all?
I don't know what else to say.
I want to kill you right now.
How? By tying me to two horse
drawn carts
and having them run...
Oh, Lex!
Okay, um, these...
Your butt looks
really good in this.
- Keep?
- Yes.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Totally.
You excited about tonight?
Not really, you know.
Bachelorettes are a rite
of passage, right?
- I suppose.
- What are you boys doing?
Oh. Well, if there is a God,
- Keep box.
- Yes.
I just want to get a giant
family size box of White Castle.
You know what women think? Let
me tell you what women think.
Yeah, I love that.
Women think that men on their
final nights of freedom
they just want strippers
and beer
but really, I just want
a place to fart endlessly
into the sunset
without anybody knowing.
- They say romance is dead but...
- Nope.
- Proved me wrong.
- Not with me.
Anyway. Should I keep this
- Yeah.
- And...
Let's start with these ones.
Oh, I need tape.
- Is she coming today?
- No. No.
I ended it with her
Oh. You didn't have to do that.
We are starting
a new chapter in our life.
And when we are together,
not good.
I don't want anything to
jeopardize what we have.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- I need tape. Okay.
- Then get tape.
Lexa! Lexa!
I know you're in there.
I was at my bachelorette party.
- You don't say.
- Yeah.
What is that? What are you...
I think I did it.
- Wow!
- I can't marry Peter.
So, Taylor, as lovely as it is
to see you...
- I needed to talk to someone.
- And you thought of me.
I broke him.
When I met him, his kitchen
cabinets were filled with Legos
and only two days ago
his walls were covered
with unframed band posters.
- Sounds about right.
- And now, no more Legos.
- No more Sublime.
- I can buy you Sublime poster.
I took this wonderful strange
man of a boy,
and I-I-I changed him.
And he did and he was perfect
- He wasn't perfect.
- No, he was perfectly imperfect.
And then I, I-I made him dull,
I made him like me.
Oh, Taylor, look.
I barely know you.
But I can say one thing for
certain is, you are not dull.
Well, we're not fun like
you two.
Fun gets you sent to
Disneyland jail.
Look, when Peter and I
are together,
we become the people
we were when we were 20.
But the two of you,
when you're together,
you make each other better.
Do you think he's making
a mistake marrying me?
You're putting me
in a really weird position.
If the two of you get married,
I lose Peter forever.
But if I stop thinking about
myself for like 30 seconds...
I do think you two
belong together.
Yeah, really.
I really love you, I think.
- Thank you. Oh! Hm!
- Be my maid of honor?
I think you belong together too,
like not romantically.
'Cause, that would be weird.
But you know, as friends.
You should stay friends because
just because I can't give him
what you give him doesn't mean
that part of him should die.
Yeah, well, uh, I dumped him
and he friend-dumped me. So...
I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna
throw up and I'm gonna fix it.
What would you say if I wanted
to make out with you?
Huh, who?
Okay, all right, hold on.
- Wake up.
- What is it?
You left a random woman
in my room.
Yeah, she was too...
Uh, I'll take care of it.
Don't bother. She's gone.
- I don't know, it's kind of...
- He's got this.
Ah, you want to protect your
face, bro?
Okay, I'll, I'll be back.
I can leave if you want me to.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Taylor told me about last night.
Thank you for talking her down.
- It was nothing.
- Also... I'm sorry. I panicked.
I thought I had to lose you
to save my relationship.
- And I was a dick.
- You were.
Do you wanna punch me
in the other eye?
I feel really bad about that
so, I want to change
the subject really quickly?
Sorry, I missed
your bachelor party.
Oh, it's okay, you were
uninvited by some jerk.
- Me, I was a jerk. You got that?
- No, yeah, I got that. Yeah.
You missed quite a night, I mean
I can't remember most of it,
but apparently I did a karaoke
duet version
of My Heart Will Go On
with a stripper named Cobra.
- A female stripper named Cobra?
- I'm not sure.
- Yeah, undetermined. So...
- How you feeling?
Honestly, I wasn't nervous until
I saw the church and everything.
- I'm nervous, whoo!
- You'll do great.
- You think so?
- Yeah. I know so.
I want you to pay attention,
because what I'm about to
tell you just might be the
greatest thing that anyone
has told another human being
in the history of this planet.
- Wow!
- Are you ready?
Yes. No. Yes.
"I came here tonight,
I didn't know what to expect."
"I seen a lot of you people
hatin' me
"and I didn't know
what to feel about that,
so I guess they didn't like you
much not either."
"During this fight, I've seen
a lot of changing,
the way yous feel about me, and
in the way I felt about you."
"In here, we were two guys
killing each other,"
"but I guess that's better than
20 million."
Love that line.
"What I'm trying to say is,
if I can change,
and you can change,
then everybody can change!"
- Rocky 4.
- Rocky 4.
- You still got it.
- Yeah.
- You coming? Okay.
- Yeah, in a second.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.