McDick (2017) Movie Script

- There's my favorite
police officer.
Would you like to
stay for breakfast?
- Are you kidding me?
- What are you doing?
Let's go!
- Yeah, hang on a second.
- McDick,
get your ass outside.
- I know, I'm upstairs,
I'll be right down.
Question for you:
Does somebody like
to drink and drive?
I don't think so.
You are officially off the hook.
Does that make you happy?
- Yeah.
- You should not
drink and drive.
However, if you've
got no choice,
it's the weekend, your
friends are around,
and you gotta get drunk,
do it in my neighborhood.
That sound like a deal?
- Yeah.
- That's what I like to hear.
Come here.
- God damn it, McDick.
- What?
- Let's go!
- Yeah, you just said
that a minute ago.
- McDick,
I swear to God...
- Hey listen,
you know what?
I think maybe I'll go to the
bathroom before I come down.
- McDick,
get your ass outside.
- Okay,
yeah, here I come.
- It's about time, Romeo.
- Gimmie a break.
What's your problem?
- McDick, you better yank
your head outta your ass, man.
- What's in your ass?
- We gotta go, man.
- I forgot to tell
you something else.
- What's that?
- Hang on, let's
run this car here.
My guts tell me this is our guy.
License plate Henry one
four Edgar seven five.
- School
teacher no record.
- You sure about that?
- Yes,
McDick, I'm sure.
- Where you goin'?
- There's hostages up there.
- Let's just wait for backup.
- There's no time,
there's gun's reported.
- What am I gonna do?
Go up there and risk my
life just to save somebody?
- Yeah, that's right,
McDick, that's your job.
C'mon, let's go.
- I'll tell you what.
We'll call the captain,
tell him we checked it out,
everything was fine.
Prank call.
Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
- It's 10 in the morning.
- Gunshots are that way.
- Excuse me, ma'am,
listen, it's alright.
We're here to protect you.
We're policemen.
- Ma'am, return to your apartment
and lock the door, please.
- Hang on a second, whoa whoa.
Why don't you go ahead and
just check it out down there,
I'm gonna stay here with her.
Can I stay here with you?
Excuse me.
Ma'am, ma'am, listen.
I'll stay here with you and
just make sure that you're safe.
- It's
okay, I'm alright.
- Really?
- I'm good.
- Ow, ow, okay, okay.
Would you let go
of my foot please?
Hey why are you walkin' so fast?
I think we're on
the wrong floor.
- Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.
- Hey, McDick.
I got a pretty nasty paper
cut here on my thumb.
I'd show you but you might
pass out and get me shot.
- Tell me something, did
you just get a haircut?
- McDick!
- How you doin' Captain?
- Internal Affairs needs to
speak with you immediately
when you are
finished over there,
you are to come
directly to my office.
- You seem really
tense right now.
What's goin' on?
- Get your hand off my arm.
- You haven't
answered my question.
- I.A.
- Okay.
- Now!
- I'm sorry, what?
- Officer McDick,
we need you to go on
record and tell us exactly
what happened out there today.
- Oh, right now?
- Right now.
- Okay.
Well, we got a call for
a domestic disturbance.
Violent in nature.
I think they said a
gunshot was reported.
And so we arrived at
the scene and Conroy,
my partner, was just kinda
freezin' up a little bit,
he seemed nervous, kinda
out of character for him.
I said, look man,
we're cops, okay?
This is our responsibility,
let's get up there
and just handle this.
Hell, I'll be the point man.
And off the record, he suggest
that we go and get a drink.
Call the captain, tell
him everything's fine,
let's go grab a beer.
I said, "Are you kiddin' me?
"Let's get upstairs right now."
So we're upstairs,
we're outside this door,
I was pretty sure
I heard a gunshot,
and then I think it had to
have been a baseball bat.
Somebody just slams me
in the back of the head.
Next thing I know, I black out,
and then like,
it was like weird for a minute,
and then I come to and there's
just a bunch of cops around.
People start asking
me questions,
I'm not really even sure
where I am and now we're here.
- There were large
quantities of unmarked bills
at the scene.
You have any idea why
Etson left without it?
- How should I know, guys?
- It's
your job, McDick.
- Do you know this girl?
- That looks like a woman to me.
But no, who is she?
- Molten Lava is
a former stripper
slash criminal defense
attorney and now a crime lord.
Recently Miss Lava has
become more aggressive
and is looking to expand
her territory considerably.
We believe she'll
stop at nothing.
You're to contact my office
if her name ever comes up.
Doesn't matter what context.
- Okay, so let's just
back up a second here.
She used to be a stripper?
You guys have any photographs
from that period in her career?
- Done here.
- Come on, guys, it's
just a couple pictures.
Where you goin'?
- Were you in the ladies
room this morning?
- Why would you ask
me that question?
- I guess because three
of your female colleagues
claim that they caught you
peeking under their stall doors.
That's why.
- I would like to speak
to my attorney right now.
- You are not going to
speak to anyone right now.
You know what I got here?
- No.
- Your psychiatric report.
- Well, that's confidential.
- The precinct shrink asked you
what your three
biggest fears were
when it came to the job.
Do you remember
what you told her?
- I do not recall.
- Your biggest
fear about the job
was that you are going
to get eaten by a whale.
- Yeah, I don't wanna
be eaten by a whale.
Are you really gonna
sit here and tell me
you'd have no problem
swimming in the same part
of the ocean as a whale?
- I think I might
sit here and tell you
whatever I God damn want to!
Your second biggest
fear about the job
that someone might set
your penis on fire.
- Captain, where you
goin' with this stuff?
- You have got to be, yeah,
the worst cop
I have ever encountered
in my 19 years of service.
- I know you don't mean that.
- You're now-dead
ex-partner made a statement
before he died that completely
contradicts yours, McDick.
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
And call me crazy, but
I believe the dead guy.
You know that private
detective business
that you've been
talking about starting?
- Yeah.
- I think now's the time.
- For?
- You're fired.
- What do you mean?
You keep your distance,
I'll keep mine
Away, away now
No I won't fail now
To meet you in some alleyway
I hear the river runnin'
Man it's a-hummin'
1,000 miles downstream
fallin' star
In my window you look
so right fallin' star
You keep your distance,
I'll keep mine
You keep your distance,
I'll keep mine
You keep your distance,
I'll keep mine
- If you continue
to disrespect me,
and by that I mean not
returning my phone calls,
not showing up on time,
you're gonna put me in a position
where I've got no choice
but to fire you.
- I was at soccer practice.
- I was a soccer practice.
What does that even mean?
Are you still on top
of that gun situation?
Are we still on for
lunch next week?
- Yes, sure, why not?
- Alright.
I think that's about it.
Jesus Christ.
- Okay, I'm impressed.
- Mister Robertson is here.
- Which one's Mister Robertson?
- He's the one that wanted to
talk to you about his wife.
- That the little Asian
guy with the blonde hair?
- No, the medium sized guy with
the brown-ish gray-ish hair.
- Come on, Melanie, that
doesn't mean anything to me.
- He's the one that
suspected his wife
of being a high end prostitute.
- That guy?
Yeah, you better bring him in.
- You can come in now, sir.
- Well, mister
Robertson, I must say
that this is my least
favorite part of the job.
I'm afraid I have confirmed
your worst suspicions
and that your wife has, in fact,
been moonlighting as
a high end prostitute.
Sorry, take a minute.
There's nothing in the world
that one of these can't fix.
- How are you able
to confirm this?
Do you have pictures of
that whore?
- No.
Pictures? No.
- So then you saw
her with someone?
- No, when I spoke with
her, she was by herself.
- You actually
spoke with my wife?
- Yeah, I told her that
I wanted to pay her
to have sex with me and she did.
- You had sex with my wife?
- Well, yeah.
I mean, there's only one
way to find out for real
if she's a prostitute, right?
By the way, she's a fairly
difficult negotiator.
You're gonna find here on
your invoice a fee of $600
for services received.
- Where are you?
- Behind my desk.
Guy just punched me in the face.
Is that a knife?
- It's a letter opener.
I thought he was
trying to hurt you.
- He was trying to
hurt me and it worked.
Put the knife down
I hate knives.
Could you check my pulse please?
How is it?
- I don't know.
I think it's about the same.
- Could you get me a
cup of coffee, please?
Just get me a cup of coffee.
- Hey, boss.
He's a private detective now.
The business seems
to be failing.
Not much client volume, no
suspect financial expenditures,
and no indication of where he
might be holding any of it.
I'd approach him but
the whole cop thing.
- Former cop.
It's a huge difference.
What did I say about giving
them to me backwards?
What is this?
Did you do that on purpose?
Well, obviously this asshole
knows something that we don't
'cause otherwise
he wouldn't have
the balls to pull off this shit.
Well, I hope he
knows what he's doing
because I plan
on pulling off
his scrotum.
Rub my hamstring.
Who's a good ape?
What good are you?
Go back to your crib.
Pick this shit up.
- Someone was looking
for something.
- Are we missin' anything?
- Not that I could tell.
- Alright, it's
probably just kids.
- Yeah.
Someone's waiting for
you in your office.
- Really?
Is it the dwarf?
- No, a lady.
- How old?
- Um...
- Doesn't matter.
Oh, wow.
- Excuse me for not
making an appointment.
- Oh, my God!
That's fine.
Please have a seat.
What's your name?
- Virginia.
- Virginia, okay.
So tell me, how can
I save your day?
- Well, I have a nephew who
I think might be getting
mixed up with the wrong crowd.
- Violent crowd?
- No, no.
My nephew is special.
- Okay, so he's retarded.
- Well, that's not what
we call it, but yes,
and I feel like might be
doing frivolous things
in order to impress
these children.
- Frivolous as in violent,
gang-related type behavior?
- No, no, no.
He's not dangerous, just lost.
- Okay, lost.
And you want me to see what
he's up to every day, basically.
- I can't watch
him 24 hours a day.
His name is Morgan.
- Okay, M-O-R-G-A-N?
- You should know that he
is larger than kids his age
and quite overweight.
- Okay, so he's
fat and retarded.
Retardant fat.
Is he an especially
athletic fat kid?
'Cause you know how
sometimes they can be...
They look fat and they are fat
but then they're
strong and fast.
- Not that I know of.
- Okay, short fuse,
temper problems?
- No, he's very gentle.
- Am I dealing with
a wildcard here?
- Not that I know of.
- Well, Virginia, today
is your lucky day,
because McDick just came...
To your rescue.
- Oh, well thank you very much.
- You're very welcome.
And I have a brand
new tradition here
where I like to give a good
luck hug to all my new clients
so get up.
- Okay.
- That's right, come here.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, listen.
I want you to know that I'm
going to get to the bottom
of this for you.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
You sent me a bill.
I haven't hired you in weeks.
- How much money you
got in your pockets?
- I don't have any
money in my pockets.
- Empty 'em.
- Seriously?
Come on, man, am I gonna
lie to you about this?
I have no money in my pockets.
- The other one, too.
- I swear I didn't
know that was in there.
- Put it on the wall.
- I can do that.
- All of it.
Somebody broke into
my office last week.
I had to get my files back.
- So I'm paying you
for trashing my office?
- I was attacked.
They think you robbed them.
- Well who thinks that?
What's his name?
- I don't know, I
had to kill him.
- You murdered
somebody in my office?
- Hey, I'm a criminal
defense attorney.
People can't be
breakin' into my office.
- No, of course not.
So I have a lawyer that
breaks into my office
and kills people.
- Your house is
probably bein' watched.
Do you have any clients?
- Yes.
I have one client.
- Concentrate on your case.
I'll find out who he is.
- Just for a cup of coffee.
- Hey,
Melanie, it's McDick.
Listen, I'm on my way to
that fat retarded kid's house
just to follow up on that case,
but I'm calling because
I haven't pooped in about
two and a half days
and if you could have
a nice big banana
smoothie waiting for me
when I get back to the
office, that'd be perfect
because bananas have
always helped me poop.
And this is between us, okay?
Thank you.
- Awww, fuck.
Run faster.
- What?
- You know how you
always bug me to drive?
- I never bug you to drive.
- Would you just get in the car?
Give me the bag.
Did you have a
nice day at school?
- Fine.
- Okay, I want you
to put these on.
- I can't see in these.
- That doesn't matter.
Put this on, too.
Now, I want you
to take my car
and pull it right
into my driveway.
Can you do that?
- Where will you be?
- I'm gonna be right
behind that tree.
- Shouldn't we do this in an
empty parking lot or something?
- I think you should trust
me now more than ever.
No more questions like that.
All you gotta do is
put the car in drive.
First, you gotta hit that
button to take the brake off.
Good man.
Now, put it in drive
and you're all set.
Put it in drive.
- Where's McDick?
- He's over there.
- Why are you God
damn pointing at me?
Hey, hey it's me.
Listen, I can't really get into
this on the phone right now
but I'm having some
work related issues
and I need a place to
crash for like, two nights.
Just two nights.
Definitely not longer than like,
four weeks.
Well, my house isn't
safe right now.
I was just there and
somebody was there with a gun
so I had to run away
and now I'm here,
I'm not even sure where I am.
Well, I'm running
out of options.
Oh, come on, mom.
You there?
Oh, God damn it.
- Here's a layout of the complex
with all the potential
compromise points.
Should we do a search
and secure the perimeter?
- What, this building?
Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No.
This is a safehouse.
Listen, I have perfect
instincts, okay?
You gotta start believing that.
- Okay.
- This building is the
last place on earth
anybody's gonna come
looking for me, okay?
What's this?
You been spying on me?
- No.
- I'm not convinced.
I'm not here.
Especially if they
have an accent.
- Hello?
It's for you.
- Who is it?
- I'm not sure, I couldn't
really understand what he said.
- Is it because
he has an accent?
God damn it, give me the phone.
How do you know
I'm eating lettuce?
Get down, get down!
Get on top!
Get on top!
Let me protect your head.
Oh yeah, I got ya.
You gotta give 'em
like, two minutes.
They probably think they hit us.
- Okay.
- Have you been hit?
- No, I'm okay.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Didn't get you anywhere?
- Nope.
So you know where I've
always wanted to go?
- Where?
- China.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
You sure you weren't
hit around here?
- I don't think so.
- Okay, I'm just makin' sure.
Okay, close your eyes
and think about China.
Oh, yeah.
They got pancakes
in China, right?
Is that a yes or a no?
- I don't know, I've never been.
- Oh, Christ, okay.
I think they're gone.
- Hello,
Mister McDick.
This is Douglas' mother calling.
I discovered a small
handgun in his school bag
and he tells me it was
one of several weapons
you've given him.
Listen very closely McDick,
my son is no longer
your employee.
If you attempt to contact him,
I swear to God I will find
you and beat your.
- Little jumpy?
What's your name?
- Giovanni.
- Giovanni, empty your pockets.
Lay on the table.
On your stomach.
Stop lookin' at me.
What're you laughin' at?
- Nothin'.
- Nothin'?
What's your name?
- Roger.
- Roger.
Sit on the bar.
Hurry up.
One, two, one, two there you go.
Sit like a little
baby bitch, okay?
You got no laces in those shoes.
- This guy's a jerk.
- Excuse me, sir?
I didn't catch that.
Excuse me, why don't
you repeat that?
- Just tryin' to have a beer.
- Stand up!
Get up.
Now what'd you just say to me?
- Sir, could you move that?
- Repeat that, I
didn't hear you.
- I just wanna
drink my beer, man.
- I just wanna
drink my beer, man.
- Sir, this gun, could
you just be careful, sir?
- You and I get to go outside
and have a private
conversation, alright?
Bartender, if either two of
these vaginas open their...
Hey man, close those legs!
Who the hell lays like that?
- If either two of these
vaginas open their lips,
shoot 'em.
Stand up straight!
Let's go.
- Was I convincing?
- Yeah man, you were fine.
Look, I don't know
what I got myself into,
but I've been gettin'
shot at multiple times
over the last couple days.
Please tell me you
know something.
- You really got no idea.
Everyone's talkin' about you.
Molten Lava, the Indians,
even the tiny ass gangs
are talkin' about you.
Some want you alive,
some want you dead.
- Indians?
You talkin' about the ones
that smell or the casino ones?
- The ones from India.
- Come on, man, this
is no joke, alright?
This is real for me.
- This ain't no joke.
These people seriously
want your ass.
- I didn't do anything!
- Gotta be money.
These people aren't
going to stop.
- Well, in that case, shoot
me, 'cause I'm a dead man.
At least I'll know who did it.
- Relax.
Carmichael's in town.
You find him, maybe
you'll find answers.
- Alright, Jimmy.
Where do you want it?
- Go with the face.
- You ready?
- Come on.
- Alright, man,
follow me to the bar.
I can wait all day.
- Carmichael's dead.
- Christ, you scared
the shit out of me, man.
How many people have you killed?
- It was a set up.
- How do you know that?
- Are you following
a retard right now?
- Yes I am.
How do you know that?
- The lady that hired you
was married to your partner,
who was stealin' from Lava.
Lava forced her to
wiretap your office.
That's how you got
that bullshit job.
- Jesus Christ.
How do you know all
this stuff, man?
That's a lot of information.
- Hey, you're the detective.
- Yeah, I'm also the
fuckin' boss, okay?
And I'm gettin' a
little sick and tired
of your attitude lately.
Don't forget that, man.
I'm in charge, not you.
- You're gettin' sick
and tired of my attitude?
- Look, you're my lawyer.
I'm pretty sure you're
not allowed to kill me.
You got a little
piece of banana.
Ow, shit!
- Now here.
One of Lava's men
wants to meet tonight.
Tell him everything
he needs to know.
- Please put it in
my God damn hand.
It's sewed up.
Thank you.
You want me to leave first?
You wanna leave first?
Drive together?
What do you think?
- Get outta here.
- Okay.
- I wanna watch cartoons.
- Enjoy that.
Fuckin' asshole.
- Why are we meeting in
the middle of nowhere?
- Let me explain
somethin' to you.
What happened the last
time we were at my office?
- It got ransacked.
- Correct.
What happened the last time
we were at your apartment?
- We got shot at.
- Correct.
Let me tell you somethin' else.
Just now, Douglas
drove into my driveway,
was mistaken for me,
and he almost got his
fat little face shot off.
- Douglas is too young to drive.
- That's my point, none of
this makes sense right now.
And until I gather
more information,
we're gonna have to keep havin'
these secret rendezvouses.
- I love rendezvouses.
- Good.
Listen, tonight I
am meeting this guy.
He works for Molten Lava.
This is the guy.
Listen, if I don't make
it out of there alive,
that means I'm probably dead
and I need you to promise me
that you will make him pay.
- How much does he owe you?
- I'm not talking about money.
I mean hold him accountable
for his actions.
Can you promise me that?
- Yeah, like,
wrap him in a big rug and
have horses trample on him
or get some oyster shells
and scrape away his face
and burn him.
- That would be fine.
I mean, it's incredibly
violent, but that would do it.
Alright, look, I've
got two more meetings
on two different bridges so,
I need you to walk away, okay?
Walk faster.
Okay, run.
Just run.
- Give me the account numbers.
You'll get your half,
but Conroy's is ours.
- Do you seriously
expect me to believe
that Conroy was stealing money?
- McDick, if you don't
give me the account numbers
and location of our other
products right here right now,
I'm gonna shoot you dead.
- I think we both know that
that gun is not loaded.
- What's with this guy
fainting all the time?
Now this one is
really gonna hurt.
- I heard about
everything on the news.
- I'm fine.
They were asking me
about account numbers.
Account information.
- What accounts?
- I have no idea.
Then there was a guy with a gun,
he was wavin' that around,
then somebody else had a
stun gun I got hit with that.
- You need to report this.
- There's nothing to report.
I have no idea what's
goin' on right now.
I need answers.
What I have to do is go to
the top of the food chain
on this one.
And that's Molten Lava.
On top of that, I
just hurt my hand.
See it?
I got blood.
See the red spot?
Blood there.
- Well, let's go
get you cleaned up.
- Can I get a bath maybe?
- Mister McDick?
A word?
- I'm fine, but thank you.
- Have a seat.
- I think I'll
stand, but thank you.
What's your name?
What, you're not gonna
tell me your name?
You know, pal, you need
to lighten up a little bit
and that's something a little
smile could take care of.
Ow, ow, I'm sorry!
Please stop, please stop!
- Let him go.
- God damn it.
What are you trying
to do, break my arm?
- Sit down.
- I was just trying to tell
you to smile a little bit.
Can I sit here?
- Sit down!
- Mmhmm.
- You have a last name?
- Just if I can maybe
stop you right here?
If you plan on
sitting like this,
I'm probably not gonna be able
to concentrate on
the conversation.
- Why are you spying on me?
- I was not spying on you,
I was looking at something
else, you happened to be there.
- My guys get shot,
somehow you survive.
- Ow.
- I know that you have my money.
My money.
- Okay, let me tell
you a couple things.
One: I don't know anything
about bank accounts
or money.
I do know that your guys
are trying to kill me.
I also just got a fresh
piece of information
and that's that this guy
right here is an asshole.
Just tried to break my arm.
So he could use a serious
attitude adjustment.
- Okay.
See this envelope?
- Yes, I see it.
Deliver this envelope to the
address written right here.
Can you read?
- I can read.
- Can you?
- I can read.
- You a reader, McDick?
- Can you stop doing that?
- Do not open the envelope.
I will have eyes on you.
- So if I do this we're okay?
- That's my promise to you.
I got one more thing for you.
Now you can go.
- Alright, alright.
- Get, scoot.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Rashido wants this
beautiful piece of antique
in Toshinia now.
Irish investigation authorities
have been cooled down so,
it has to get there through
the South American channel
as soon as we get
our money in the
Swiss hall bank account.
- Consider everything
covered, boss.
- Good, good.
- Hey, who the hell are you?
- What is this place?
- Is this our buyer?
- How come you're
not wearing pants?
- Beg your pardon?
- Beg for a pair of pants.
- Hey, come on.
First off, you tell me like,
how did you get here?
Who gave you the
address of this place?
- You guys sell this stuff?
This is a piece of shit.
- Put it back, you junkie.
Do you know what's that?
That's a fuckin' three
million dollars right there.
Did you ever see
that kind of money?
- Maybe.
- Hey, listen.
This was discovered in
the graves of Mesopotamia.
Dated 300 A.D.
Stole it from the Louvre.
- You stole it
from the bathroom?
I'm impressed.
Come on, guys, listen,
a friend of mine asked
me to deliver this
to whoever's in charge here.
I'm gonna go ahead
and guess it's not you
'cause you're not wearing pants.
- Give the fucking God
damn envelope to me.
- Guys, we good here?
I'm getting a little
- Are you done looking
at the boxes now?
- Yeah, I'm done.
- So you inspected the whole
place very well, right?
- Yeah, you got another
little shit hole here.
- So now you know me very well.
- I know that you're very short,
but that's okay, you're
compensating with those boots
and it does lift
you up a little bit.
- I know your identity, so...
Are you ready to die?
- Gentlemen, I'm a
private detective
and so what that means is
I'm very good at telling
if somebody's lying.
- Little baby detective.
- That how you
guys really laugh?
Listen, I never
told you who I am.
- Really?
- That's your one
little misstep.
Nice try though,
I appreciate it.
Good effort.
This is a picture of me.
- Of course it's you.
- Was this in the
envelope I just gave you?
- Yes you did.
- Molten Lava.
- So what do you say now?
- Men, I have one last
bit of information
that you might like to hear.
- Okay?
- You're listening?
- Uh huh.
Well, why don't you tell
Hunter that if this doesn't
shake out exactly
as I planned it,
I will cut off his balls
and hang them on my wall?
Just like that.
- Sorry to bother you captain,
but a former officer
McDick is here to see you.
- Jesus Christ, is he really?
Send him in.
What the hell are you wearing?
I fired you months ago.
- I am undercover
as a uniformed cop.
- Excuse me!
- You know what, I don't have
any time for your bullshit.
I need you to place me
in Wit Pro immediately.
- Place you in Wit Pro?
- Yeah.
- Who the hell do
you think you are?
Do you realize how much of a
pain in my ass you've become?
Jesus Christ, it's worse
than when you were here!
- People are trying to kill me.
I need you to turn
me into a ghost
and Wit Pro is the only option.
- Well, tell me, what
have you witnessed?
- I don't know.
But clearly my ex-partner
Conroy was mixed up in it.
- Do not speak ill of
that fine fallen officer.
- Well, every time I'm shot
at, punched in the face,
or chased, his name comes up.
So what am I supposed to think?
- Let me tell you
something, McDick.
Thugs that this department
have been after for years
are coming after you.
We even got a couple
leads on the Indians.
I didn't think they had
anything serious goin' on
in this town, but there is.
You are a magnet.
And let me tell you something.
Two great things
can come from this.
One: I get to catch
a bunch of bad guys.
And two: They catch you.
So there you go.
- Clearly wasted your time.
- Of course you have.
- I apologize.
One final question: bagpipes?
- Yeah,
what about 'em?
- Wouldn't you say the
kilt is a little short?
- Okay, they didn't
have the right...
- The reason I ask, I
just figured at night
your vagina might--
- Okay, are we done here?
- I think so.
I will be...
- I said are we done?
- McDick.
- Oh, what's up asshole?
- We already got your
lover and now you and I
are gonna take a little walk.
- You talkin' about Virginia?
We actually haven't
sealed the deal yet.
- Let's go.
- Hey, hello,
Douglas, hey it's me.
Listen, I'm in a little
bit of trouble right now.
I've got one of Molten
Lava's guys comin' after me.
No, I'm fine at the moment.
I outran the guy, but
listen, I need you
to trace my cell
signal immediately.
I was runnin' around
hoppin' fences,
I have no idea where
I am right now.
I need you to trace
my cell signal.
You understand?
Yeah, then just come get me.
You or your mom.
Thank you.
I have somebody tracing
my exact location
with my cell signal.
It's called using your brain.
Let me ask you a question.
They ever arrest that guy?
- What guy?
- The guy that stole your chin.
- Hey, McDick.
Your partner's wife
was found dead,
so expect to be arrested.
But don't worry, I'll
get the charges dropped.
- That briefcase contained
documents linking you and Conroy
to 10 years of corrupt
dealings in crimes.
- How convenient.
- It also had some footage
of you going into Georgies
right before the
place got shot up.
Got rid of Edson and
Conroy then you figured,
hey maybe Conroy
involved his fiance
so you two tangled and we
all know where that left her.
Dead in bed.
- Are you done yet?
- Two million bail says you're
a dangerous man, McDick.
- Well, this dangerous
man is ready for some R&R
in a place where nobody
can shoot at him.
- He made bail.
- What?
Who put up two million?
Munpoon, what?
- Munpoon, that's the
guy who tried to kill me.
- That's right.
Come on, McDick.
You can't stay here on
the taxpayer's dime.
- Well, if there's
one thing I know,
it's that I'm not
leaving here today.
- Haul him out.
- Hey,
McDick the gray.
- Munpoon.
- So, you happy now you
are released from the jail?
- Oh, I'm thrilled.
Thanks for your
help, appreciate it.
- Oh, cool, cool, nice.
Hey, why don't you
get in the car?
Let me give you a ride, come on!
- No, I'm gonna walk.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna walk.
- Why you little
baby fuck detective.
- What'd you just call me?
- I did call you
baby little fuck.
- A gun, really?
- Yeah,
would you come in now?
- It's broad daylight, man.
- Yes, I'm going to
fucking blow your head off
in the broad daylight.
- Jesus Christ.
Can you give a brother a smoke?
These are tense times.
- There you go.
- Not if it was in your
mouth, God damn it.
What's wrong with you?
Put it in my mouth
and then light it.
- Fuck you.
Here you go.
- Watch the...
Don't set my hair on fire.
- Come on.
The legendary McDick.
- Let me tell you somethin'
right now, asshole.
I'm here because of what I know
and what I have stashed.
You cannot hurt me because
I'm way too valuable.
- The only thing we know
here for absolute certainty,
that you know nothing
and you never have.
Your partner had his dick
in so many mashed potatoes.
He tells everyone.
He shared it with you, too.
But did he
ever tell you about those
mashed potatoes, huh?
- What are you doing, man?
What's wrong with you?
Trying to seduce
me or something?
Back up.
- He was stealing money left
and right from everyone.
The time he got killed,
you didn't take over
so every party involved
in there thinks
that you are the rat
and they tried to kill you.
- Who does that?
Who laughs and hits
the side of their face?
- It's amazing.
They want to kill you
for what you know.
But, in fact,
you are the dumbest
son of the bitch
on this fuckin' planet.
- For argument's sake,
let's say you're right
and I am in fact the dumbest
son of the bitch on the planet.
Let's talk solutions.
- Solutions?
Should that partner
didn't include us on the table.
He excluded all
Indians from the table.
- So now the little Indians want
their little seat at
the table, I get it.
- Now I want the whole table.
- Okay, so what does
that have to do with me?
You just said so yourself,
I don't know anything.
- I'm going to use you.
Everybody wants to kill you.
And while they chop you up,
I am going to chalk them up.
- What are you talking
about chopping?
You mean like, with knives?
I don't like knives.
- You mother fucker.
- I like those shoes.
- Come on.
- You brought me a hat!
Thank you.
How'd you find me?
- I put a GPS tracking
device in your shoe
and executed some undercover
and evasion techniques.
- Clearly, I've taught you well.
- We need to go.
Okay, you should make the 6:30.
This is your passport,
driver's license, cash.
I read a book about forgeries,
those were part of it.
Should get you out
of here for good.
- Where are yours?
- I didn't think...
- Listen, I'm not gonna
leave here without you.
We're gonna go find
Douglas right now, okay,
and then we're gonna
finish this together.
As a team.
Once and for all.
Start the car.
- You've got 60 seconds.
- Alright, look, I know
I messed up, alright?
I've put you in a
couple tough spots,
dangerous situations, and
I almost got you killed.
I apologize.
Look at me.
Are we okay now?
- What's my job, boss?
- That's a very good question.
Listen, Melanie's gonna call you
in about 30 minutes, alright?
She'll give you
all those details.
In the mean time, I
want you to take this.
You're probably
not gonna need it,
but just in case you've got
yourself a little hand cannon.
It's fine, it's clean.
Put it away.
- Let's hope I don't use it.
- Listen to me, listen to me.
Go back in the house, go to
your room, wait for the call.
Good man.
- What?
McDick has been off
the grid for 24 hours.
You're gonna find him, right?
And you're gonna
bring him to me,
and I'm gonna set
his penis on fire.
Damn it!
- I need to talk right now.
- You have gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm not.
Can I come in?
These are testicles.
- White rhino balls.
South African.
This is my balls wall.
I kill 'em, I cut 'em,
I stuff 'em, I hang 'em.
There's only one species of
any significance I do not have.
it doesn't matter if
you know for a fact
that Molten has a mountain
of incriminating evidence
in her home.
The police can't just
come into somebody's house
because some fired cop
who's out on probation
for murder charges says so.
- You know what, I
have seen hard evidence
that this woman has
framed me for murder.
Now, how is there nothing
we can do about this?
- Here's the thing, McDick.
Molten is a very smart criminal.
She understands the value of
keeping things under the radar.
Have you ever seen
her out at a club?
No, she wants to party,
she does it on a boat.
Three miles out.
International waters.
Very smart.
- Great, you know what?
That's perfect.
- Listen.
You figure out a way to
get her on the radar,
and you might actually
have some success.
Now, if you'll be so kind
as to get the hell
out of my sight,
I can go to bed.
- Did I do something
wrong again?
- No, I don't think so.
Look, I got a bunch of
people comin' after me
and I'm really
desperate right now
and I just need to do
a little brainstorming.
So, can I come in?
- Yeah.
Hey, I gotta go to work, so,
can you lock up when you leave?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- Bye.
- I'll see you.
Thank you.
Are you gone?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Look, I'm really
starting to get worried.
I don't think it's
too late to back out.
Why don't we just get on
a boat and go somewhere.
- Where are we gonna go?
- I don't know.
We can go to China.
You know we've always talked
about wanting to go there.
- Look, one day I'll
take you to China.
I promise, alright?
Right now, we need
to stay in town
and execute the master plan
that I just came up with
last night when I
was takin' a shit.
- Do tell.
- Come here.
- Okay.
- Go around that way.
- Hey there, I have a
delivery for Molten Lava.
- Really, McDick?
You know, even for you,
this is embarrassing.
- Let's go.
Well hello there, young lady.
- I don't know
what you're up to,
but how do you possibly
expect whatever the hell it is
you're gonna do to work?
- There is evidence
in this house
that you have framed
me for murder.
I could spend my life in jail.
So I have three options for you.
One: You go to the cops,
come clean, I'm off the hook.
- Not gonna happen.
- Two: I set off a series of
explosions here in the house
that will attract the cops,
they'll seize the evidence
and you'll go to jail.
- Bang, no.
- That leaves us
with number three
and this is an interesting one.
You and I
have sex.
Right now.
Forget about the
past, clean slate,
what do you say?
Is that a yes?
- I'm gonna kill you tonight.
You broke into my home.
You're trespassing.
I have every right to kill you.
I guess you forgot
to think about that.
- Three, two--
- Backwards, wow.
- One.
- What the fuck was that?
- I just blew up
half your house.
- I'm gonna slash
your fucking throat.
- Alright, hey, Douglas?
You know what, go ahead and
set off those fire crackers.
She's not listening to me.
- Oh, yeah, Douglas,
why not, huh?
Let's bring the 4th
of July up in here.
- You know what, that's
a very nice dance.
I say we relax, slip
between the sheets.
- I'm relaxed.
- I think we're gonna do this--
- Let's do this.
Take that!
Momma's comin'.
You want this tonight?
- What the hell are you doing?
- You want this tonight?
- Not the face,
not the tie either.
Give me a kiss.
I got a hair in my mouth.
Take off your shirt.
Wait, are we having
sex right now?
- Nope.
- Come here you little bitch.
- What'd you call me?
- I called you a little bitch.
- What'd you call me?
You think you can handle that?
- Just sit on my face.
I'm just gonna go home now.
Take off your shirt.
- I just took down
the biggest crime lord
this side of the
Mississippi, okay?
You know what the
Mississippi is?
And you're telling me
you're gonna hold me here
for interrogation?
It's outrageous!
- The only thing I wanna
hear out of you, McDick,
is silence.
- What do you do,
stand up off the clock?
Listen, you should
be on the phone
with your superior, organizing
a parade in my honor.
This is outrageous.
- What are you guys
whispering about?
Listen, Melanie, just
because I've been arrested,
doesn't mean you have
to be arrested too.
You should get
out of here, okay?
They know that you work for me.
- Alright, shut up and listen.
- What's wrong with you?
- I've been working
undercover for Interpol
for the last two years
bringing down a network
of criminals.
You were the perfect Patsy
for the Molten Lava sting.
- What's Interpol?
What're you talkin' about?
- You're facing at least
ten years behind bars.
But, lucky for you, the
game has just changed.
- What game?
This isn't fun, what're
you talking about?
You've been lying to
me this entire time?
- My biggest target,
Count Velvet,
has gone missing
somewhere in Asia.
With him, it's personal.
Not only do I need
to capture him,
I need to break his soul, okay?
The things I need
to do with him?
Even the law won't allow.
We're going off grid.
- Count Velvet, is
that what you said?
I don't care about him.
I don't care about Asia.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
- I stole this from the CIA
and you're going to help
me smuggle it into Asia
so that I can
destroy Count Velvet.
- I am not smuggling anything.
Let me be very clear about that.
- You have two choices.
One: You can voluntarily
remove your pants,
allow me to insert this
into a deep cavity,
and I don't mean your teeth.
Or two: I can inject
you with this,
which will allow me
to do what I must
but it may leave you
permanently impotent.
- Impotent.
- Impotent.
- I would rather be executed.
So, why don't you
march downstairs
and get my lawyer on the phone.
- This is your last chance.
What's it gonna be?
- Can I ask you something?
Is this real?
- As real as it gets.
- Okay.
- Good boy.
You've had money stolen
out of your Belize account.
I don't give a shit about you
but I know who's behind
this and I will find him.
- Who stole my money?
- He found out that you
stole Molten Lava's money
and he knows it was
you who framed him.
- Where is he?
- We lost him about two
weeks ago in Beijing,
but he was captured
on camera last night
sprinting through a Paris
hotel without his pants on.
I need you to help me
lure him back stateside.
- Whatever it takes.
You motherfucker.