Mean Girls (2024) Movie Script

Make sure
I'm in the frame.
Make sure you get my head.
I want to see my hair.
All right, all right.
Janis, hurry up!
It's not easy
making a movie.
You better not
drop my phone.
You got it?
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Okay, here we go.
Hey... Oh, Lord.
We're Cloverfielding.
Pick it up.
Give me a minute.
Make sure
I'm in the frame, girl.
Give me a minute!
Am I in the frame?
I'm in there?
Get me in the frame?
You got my head in there?
Boom, let's go.
It's a cautionary tale
Of fear and lust and pride
Based on actual events
Where people died
No one died.
But how far
Would you go
To be popular and hot?
Would you resist temptation?
No, you would not!
Just admit it sometimes
Mean is what you are
Mean is easier than nice
And though mean
Can take you far
Maybe this will
Make you think twice
Spin. Clicker. Fosse!
This is a cautionary tale
About corruption
And betrayal
And getting hit by a bus!
You can't buy integrity
At the mall
It's not for sale
This is a cautionary
I used
To think I would spend
Every second I have
Right where my story began
I'd be happy here
Every day, month
Year of my life
But now I'm wishing
For whatever comes
After goodbye
On every star in the sky
And I'm dreaming of
What I could become
This is where home will be
As long as my lungs
Can breathe
But my heart is dyin'
To leave
'Cause I know there's more
To me
I don't want to live with
What ifs...
I've been thinking
about what you said.
About being frustrated
by my decision
and feeling
a little stuck here,
just me and you.
I'm sorry I yelled.
But you have a point.
Maybe I've been
a little selfish,
putting my research ahead
of your social
and emotional development.
I called the people
from Northwestern back.
I took the job.
But they need me
to start on September 9th.
I don't want to live
With what ifs, might haves
Could have been if I had
Only tried, not held back
Oh, no
That's not a part of my plan
That's not the me that I
That's not the me that I am
This time
There's no lookin' back
I'm crossing things
Off my list
Don't want to run out of time
Before I wake up and find
There was a life
That I missed
My limit doesn't exist
I'll pick you up at 3:00.
I don't want to live
With what ifs, might haves
Could have been if I had
Only tried, not held back
Oh, no
That's not a part of my plan
That's not the me that I am
No what ifs, regrets
Wear my strengths
And weakness
I won't hide my feelings
Oh, no
That's not a part of my plan
That's not the...
Bitch, move.
Hope you all
had a good summer.
Mine was pretty good.
I worked
in my brother-in-law's
golf pro shop.
Did not make a lot of money,
so of course I am back
to help shepherd you all
into the future.
May I have everyone's
attention, please?
Eyes to the front of the room.
You may notice
we have a new student
joining us today.
She just moved here
from Kentucky.
Kenya. Her name is Caddy.
It's Cady. Cady Heron.
My apologies.
I will commit that to memory.
Cady, like the Canadian
songstress k.d. lang,
and Heron,
like the illegal street drug.
Thank you, Caddy.
It's Cady.
Cady, hi. I'm Ms. Norbury.
I'll be your homeroom teacher.
This is your roster.
I see I also have you
for A.P. Calculus.
You must have had excellent
teachers at your old school.
Oh, I was homeschooled.
Oh, that's a fun way
to take jobs from my union.
No, I'm joking. It's fine.
Um, do you think you can
follow this schedule?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay, you're gonna be moving
from class to class
with each...
That's it.
Everybody find a seat.
This is first period:
American Literature.
My name is Mister Rapp
And I take no...?
My name is Mister Rapp
And I take no...?
" of myself"?
Correct answer was "crap."
Find a seat.
I don't want you
to think of me
as just any other teacher.
I prefer to think of myself
as a time traveler.
Maintenant nous choisissons
nos noms franais.
Cady. Comment tu t'appelles?
Je m'appelle Cady.
You have to pick
a French name.
All the French people I know
just call me Cady.
Just say Marie.
Um... Marie?
Celine Dion?
Quais. Mais non.
Welcome to "Health
and Human Sexuality."
Now, this fall
we'll be getting
into the state-mandated unit
on Abstinence.
Of course then followed by,
in the spring,
Condoms and Choking.
Where do you think
you're going there, hotshot?
I need to urinate.
No way, Jos.
Uh, it's Cady.
Well, Cady,
first thing you need to do
is ask permission.
But the second thing
you'll need
is this lavatory pass
that is shaped
like a sperm whale.
Get it?
May I please have
the lavatory pass?
No, you may not.
You may go sit back down.
You can go at lunch.
Nice try, kiddo.
All right,
let's jump into this!
This won't be awkward at all,
I swear to God.
This one.
Are you okay in there?
Uh, yes.
'Cause you've been in there
a very long time.
We're concerned
you're either doing drugs
or having a toilet baby.
Hi. I'm Janis.
And je m'appelle Sasha Fierce.
This is Damian.
He is almost too gay
to function.
But I push through.
I manage.
We've been
watching you all day.
You're a mess.
So we volunteer to amplify
your lunch experience.
Yeah, what Damian is saying is
we will help you, Caddy.
Thanks so much.
Um... it's Cady.
I'm gonna call you Caddy.
Get out of the toilet!
You just need to find
your clique and commit to it.
You have your Jocks.
Your Corny Horny Band Freaks.
Your Classic Burnouts.
Do any of these feel
like your people?
I don't think so.
You know what might
be cute for her?
What, Grade Grubbers?
No, I was gonna say
Theater Mess.
And who's at that table?
Oh, no, no, no.
We call them the Plastics
'cause they're shiny,
fake and hard.
Yeah, that's Gretchen Wieners.
She knows everything
about everybody.
That's why
her hair's so big.
It's full of secrets.
And that's Karen Shetty.
She's the dumbest person
you'll ever meet.
I once saw her put a D
in the word "orange."
Could I just sit
with you guys?
I actually don't know.
We've never been asked
that question before.
Could she?
We are very exclusive,
but I think we can make
an exception.
What was that?
Oh, Lord, it's the Queen Bee.
Don't look her in the eye!
My name is Regina George
And I am a massive deal
Fear me, love me
Stand and stare at me
And these?
These are real
I've got money and looks
I am, like, drunk with power
This whole school
Humps my leg
Like a Chihuahua
I'm the prettiest poison
You've ever seen
That filter you use
Looks just like me
My name is Regina George
And I am a massive deal
I don't care who you are
I don't care
How you feel
Yeah, you. Come here.
Why don't I know you?
I'm new. I just moved here
from Kenya.
Shut up.
Shut up!
I didn't say anything.
You're, like, really pretty.
So you agree?
You think
you're really pretty?
Oh, I don't know.
You're an international
student. That is so fetch.
What is "fetch"?
It's like slang
from an old movie.
Juno, I think.
Have you ever touched a tiger?
Uh, no, those aren't
indigenous to Kenya.
'Cause that's one
of my life goals.
To not touch a tiger.
Hey, new girl!
You want to see a trick?
I can guess
any girl's bra size.
All you got to do
is jump one time.
Ew, Jason!
Do me.
Oh, my God, Jason.
You do not come to a party
at my house with Gretchen
and then skeeze on the new girl
right in front of me.
Do you want to have sex
with him?
Oh, uh... no, thank you.
Okay, then it's settled.
Jason, no one thinks
you're funny.
Okay? And this thing
you're doing
where you lower your voice
when you talk
is making people really sad.
Excuse me, anyone
who would like Jason Weems
to go back
to his normal speaking voice,
please raise your hand.
You're really gonna
get noticed around here.
We should help you.
Can you give us some privacy
for a sec?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
I have your lunch!
All right.
So, we never really
do this, but...'re invited
to eat lunch with us
for the rest of the week.
Oh. Um...
That's okay.
On Wednesdays,
we wear pink.
They want me to have lunch
with them all week.
That is tits!
She means "that's great."
I don't really get why
you guys hate them so much.
Regina seems kind of cool.
No, no...
Regina George is not cool.
She's a scum-sucking
life ruiner.
Janis hates Regina
because when we were
in sixth grade,
she told everybody
that she was--
Hey, Damian!
Shall we not?
I am providing context.
You should have lunch
with them
and then report back
and tell us
every stupid, moronic thing
they said.
Spy on them? That's bad.
No! Look at us.
Would we ever ask you
to do something bad?
Do you have a pink shirt
I can borrow?
Yes! What shade?
Welcome to A.P. Calculus.
You know more math
than 85% of Americans.
But you will not rest
on your laurels this year.
I plan to push you.
So let's get started.
Chapter One, "Limits
and Their Properties."
What the heck are limits,
you say?
If I write out the equation,
"The limit as x approaches two
of [x + 1],"
the function is what
we're taking the limit of.
I don't expect you to know
how to do this yet.
The limit equals three.
That's right.
Let's try another one.
Find the value of k
for which the following
limit exists.
K equals negative three.
Damn, girl!
Are you trying to make
the rest of us feel dumb?
No, I... I'm not trying to.
It's just, uh, happening.
Oh, okay, it's like that.
All right, um, well...
challenge accepted.
When I was nine
I fell in love
This Peace Corps guy
I waited hours
Inside his tent with flowers
Which made him laugh
Which made me cry
By 13 I gave up trying
I decided I would be
A mathematician
'Cause math is real
I memorized a lot of pi
Because addition
And subtraction and division
Would never make me feel
So stupid with love
I didn't get it
I didn't get it, somehow
Smart with math
But stupid with love
I didn't get it
I didn't get it till now
Mm, mm, mm
So thank you, math
For being there
To bring me joy
And thank you, math
'Cause now you've brought me
This cute boy
He's like someone from TV
He's like that guy
Who gives out roses
To those women
His clothes, his grooming
And he's a foot away from me
With swoopy hair
And shiny eyes
That I could swim in
He's live and in the room!
And I'm stupid with love
I want to get it
I want to get it, but how?
Smart with math
But stupid with love
I want to get it
I didn't get it till now
I'm astounded and nonplussed
I am filled with calcu-lust
Does this guy work out?
He must
All sweaty at the gym
Could that image
Be more hot?
Let me just enjoy
That thought
School was rough
But now it's not
'Cause now there's him
Stupid with love
I didn't get it
I didn't get it, somehow
Smart with math
But stupid with love
I didn't get it
I didn't get it till now
I'm okay.
Mom, you can't
pick me up like this.
It's embarrassing.
You can't wear a tank top
two days in a row
and you can
only wear your hair
in a ponytail once a week.
So I guess
you've chosen today.
Oh! And we only wear sweats
or track pants on Fridays.
If you break any
of these rules,
you can't sit with us.
I mean, not just you,
like, any of us.
Like if I wore sweatpants today,
I'd have to
go sit over there...
...with the Art Freaks.
That seems fair.
120 calories
and 48 calories from fat.
What percent is that?
Um, 48 into 120?
There's no way of knowing.
It's 40%.
42 over 120
equals x over 100,
and then you cross-multiply
to get the value of x.
Um, I'm getting cheese fries.
So, have you seen any guys
you think are cute yet?
Oh, um, well, actually,
there's this one guy
in my Calculus class.
Ooh, a senior! Who is it?
Uh, Aaron Samuels.
You can't like Aaron Samuels!
That is Regina's ex-boyfriend!
No. No. Bad. Bad. Danger.
Wait. I thought she
dumped him for Shane Oman.
Ex-boyfriends are
off-limits for friends.
That's just, like,
the rules of feminism!
Don't worry.
I will never tell Regina
what you said.
I am very trustworthy.
Karen's had sex with 11 people
and I've never told anyone.
Yo, Golf Bird.
Those fractions were tight.
"Caddy Heron." "Golf Bird."
I don't like it.
I don't get it.
I'm Kevin Ganatra.
I'm from your Calc class.
I sit diagonally from you.
I'm also captain
of the North Shore Mathletes.
We're a very chill, dope,
extracurricular option.
You know,
serve your college rezzy
and your thirst for knolly.
Don't say "knolly."
Also Ms. Norbury says
we get twice as much funding
if we had a girl on the team,
so think about joining,
because we'd love
to get jackets.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Where do I...
No, no,
you cannot join Mathletes.
That is, like,
socially ruinous!
Ew, no.
Why is he by our table?
I can hear you, by the way.
Can you hear me now?
Uh, anyways,
uh, just take my card
in case you change your mind?
God, you are so lucky
you have us to guide you.
What are you doing
after school today?
I want to give you some shoes.
What kind of shoes?
I have no idea. I guess, um,
something fancier than these?
She's so rude!
I mean, maybe
she's just being generous.
Maybe we can have
a commensal relationship.
What is that? I want one.
So, in nature,
okay, so lions,
they're the apex predators, right?
They're the top
of the food chain.
They can kill anything
they want.
But if you're a hyena, well,
then you follow them around
and you eat the carcasses
that they leave behind.
Gretchen Wieners is a hyena.
Got it.
No, I did not say that.
I'm just saying, if you're
on Regina's good side...
Whoa, Caddy! No, no, no.
Regina George does not have
a good side, okay?
If you go over
to her house today...
I am not joking,
be careful.
Don't be fooled by the pink
She is not playing dolls
She is stalking the halls
For the thrill of the kill
Every person in school
Is aware of her stare
When she tosses her hair
They go perfectly still
All their eyes say
"Don't attack me"
Watch them sweat
And pant and shake
Every food chain
Has its acme
Regina George eats steak
She's the queen of beasts
She can smell your fear
In this biosphere
She's the apex predator
Like a lioness
Only with less fur
Do not mess with her
She's the apex predator
Jason is crotch-sitting
Taylor Wedell.
Absolutely not.
At the watering hole
See the girls
Who weren't nice
Have to scatter like mice
From a jungle cat
And though Janis is great
She does not have this power
People literally cower
Janis can't do that
See her mark her territory
As they follow in her train
They were victims
In their stories
Now they shake their mane
She's the queen of beasts
And you're in her pride
You have hitched a ride
With the apex predator
And it's kind of fun
When she bares her claws
You think
You're safe because
You're with
The apex predator
Do you think she'll be mad
if I like Aaron?
Samuels? Are you unwell?
You can't like
Aaron Samuels!
Okay, okay!
I'll be careful. I promise.
Do not think
You'll be protected
By your new exotic pet
Not a chance
If she suspected
You were any kind
Of reproductive threat
But she doesn't know yet
She doesn't know yet!
She's the queen of beasts
At this beastly school
Got to keep things cool
With the apex predator!
Get in, loser.
With the apex predator!
Will she braid your hair?
Will she eat your heart?
How can you outsmart
The apex predator?
The apex predator?
The apex predator!
You guys! Hey...
Happy hump day, besties!
Hi, Mrs. George.
This is Cady.
I just moved here.
From Kenya.
Welcome, Cady from Kenya.
We haven't had any new meat
in our little lady taco
in so long.
Mom, go make snacks.
For sure.
For sure, Regina, yeah.
Thank you so much,
Mrs. George.
You have a beautiful mansion.
Just slay, queens.
Slay like no one's watching.
But everybody's watching.
Because you're gorgeous!
Wow, your room is really nice.
It used to be my parents',
but I made them trade me.
Cady! I made you
a Spotify playlist
to help you catch up
on culture.
Karen, come here.
I want to fix your eyebrows.
Can I still have two?
Gretchen, move.
God, my hips are so wide.
God, my pores are huge!
I want skin like Cady's.
My B.O. smells like crayons.
Um, me, too! I'm ugly, too.
Oh, my God, I love her.
She's like a Martian.
Who's hungry?
Now, Cady,
this is a very American snack
called guac.
Is it okay or are you vegan?
Oh, no, I'm an omnivore.
Yum-yum-yum. Okay, come here!
I need you
to tell me everything.
Have you seen any boys
that you think are cute yet?
Oh. Uh, well, I...
Well, don't worry.
It's just a matter of time.
You know, I always say
that this school district
has the highest taxes,
but the hottest boys.
That's disgusting.
Oh, Regina!
You're never gonna believe
what I found
in your closet this morning.
Why were you in my closet?
Because I'm doing
that Japanese organizing thing
where you take a little nap
in the closet.
I found your Burn Book!
Cady, this is just, like,
the funniest thing
that the girls used to do.
Please leave.
You got it, baby.
But, girls, I'm gonna be
right downstairs
if you need to talk to me
about anything.
I mean it. Deep stuff
or boy troubles or blackheads
or alcohol poisoning.
You know, I have
been through it all.
Honey, I am not a regular mom.
I'm @coolmom with six O's.
Hashtag AgingHotly. Hashtag...
Get out.
Girls, just have so much fun.
these are the best days
of your life.
It does not get better.
I remember this.
It was the week they took
all of our phones away.
"Trang Pham is
a grotsky little byotch."
Still true.
"Dawn Schweitzer
is a horny shrimp."
Well, she's taller now.
Oh, my God.
"Janis 'Imi'ike, Pyro-Lez."
I forgot about that.
Oh, my God, she is so weird.
She is? She's in my homeroom.
Oh, well, watch out,
'cause she's violent.
Yeah, people think
she's really good at art,
but it's just 'cause
she had to do art therapy.
Yeah, Regina tried
to be friends with her
in middle school.
Oh, my God,
she was obsessed with me.
And then when I got
my first boyfriend, Kyle,
she lit my backpack on fire.
Who's that?
That's that kid Damian.
Oh, yeah, he's almost too gay
to function.
No, I didn't... I didn't
mean that in a bad way.
No, that's funny.
Put that in there.
No, I don't...
Oh! No, no.
Don't worry, Cady,
we only write stuff
about randos in here.
Friends are, like,
very deserving of respect.
Gretchen... she gets it.
Go find the shoes.
The shoes we're giving
to Cady.
Oh, my God, you are literally
being so annoying.
Are you okay?
No... uh, totally.
Regina's just joking.
These are cute. Try 'em.
Once I processed that Regina's
love language is anger,
it's been much...
It's the music box
I gave Regina
that my abuelito gave me.
Tell me
What's wrong with me
My body, face, my hair
Tell me all my many faults
Tell me like you care
When we both
Know you're cruel
And we both know
You're right
I could listen to you
Like a fool all night
What's wrong with me?
How I speak?
How I dress?
What's wrong with me?
You keep me guessing
Mama called me "beautiful"
Don't believe her anymore
Now I'm listening to you
What do I do that for?
Please don't ignore me
What are you doing in there?
I'm... I'm gonna go.
Yep. Be right there!
What's wrong with me?
What can I do?
What's wrong with me?
Could it be you?
It's probably me
See that? You see?
What's wrong with me?
They have this book,
this "Burn Book,"
where they write mean things
about girls in our grade.
Ooh, ooh! What does
it say about me?
Um... you're not in it.
Those bitches!
What is this, by the way?
It's terrible.
Oh, it's a Klteen bar.
Here, my mom used to give them
to elderly people in Kapedo
to help them
gain weight.
I can feel it working.
We should, like, crush this up
and put it in Regina's food!
No. No, no.
I will keep having
lunch with them, that's it.
Also, we feel bad
we yelled at you
about liking Aaron.
You should go
for what you want.
Hetero allyship.
Oh, okay.
It's so dumb. I only
ever see him in Calc anyway.
Oh. You're definitely
safe in Calc.
Regina will never set foot
in there.
New shoes?
Uh, yeah.
Regina gave them to me.
Huh. I didn't know
you guys were friends.
Okay, let's get back into it.
Removable discont...
Cady? Eyes up front, please.
Let's get back
into where we were Thursday.
Who was awake Thursday?
Who was still awake?
I like your jacket.
Thanks, I made it.
But why do you sew
on top of your drawings?
It's... like the drawings
are facts
and the threads are feelings.
It's so cool.
So, you talk to your man yet?
I mean, I don't even
know what to say to him.
I always come off sounding
like a lunatic.
Do you like gum?
Oh, I don't have any.
I was just...
Why did you say that?
Maybe just try to have
one successful interaction
per day?
I like your shirt.
It smells like sausage
from the last time I wore it.
Dear God, woman.
Have you successfully been
a functioning human being
even once?
On October 3rd,
he asked me what day it was.
What day is it?
It's October 3rd.
October 3rd
That was two weeks ago.
But today I kind of...
I don't know,
I tried something
and it just came to me
I said I was lost.
I'm totally lost.
Can you help me?
But I wasn't lost.
I knew exactly what
Ms. Norbury was talking about.
It's the derivative
of the natural log function.
You just take the reciprocal
of the ln.
You're so smart.
He was wrong.
Wait, wait. Hold up.
Guys, pause!
You pretended to be dumb
so you could keep talking
to a guy?
Uh... Yeah. It worked.
'Cause that shit
always works, Caddy.
It doesn't mean
that it's not evil.
Fracking "works."
Red-lining "works."
Gasoline and rags...
Aren't you worried
Regina will eat your face
if she finds out?
No, she won't find out.
It's just my little
Calculus class secret.
Oh, um...
So its h prime of x
equals five.
You just forgot
the Product Rule.
I don't get any of this.
Nice job, Cady.
It sure seems like you get it.
Hey, my friend Chris is, uh,
having a Halloween party.
Would you want
to come to that?
It's like a costume party.
People get pretty into it.
I meant to say "great," and
then I started to say "cool."
If I could change the world
I'd make it Halloween
Every single day
And also have world peace
Maybe world peace
Should be first
World peace
And then Halloween
Wait, let me start over.
If I could change the world
I'd make us have world peace
And also Halloween
Every single day
On Halloween
You can pretend
To be someone else
It's like the Internet
Only in person
And with candy
Wait. Mama,
use the back camera.
It's prettier 'cause science.
When you are
The hot one
It's a full-time gig
Lookin' like what people
Want to see
Once a year I'm not
I dress up and dream big
Disguised as someone else
Who is not me
But is still hot!
I can be
Who I want to be and sexy!
I can be
Who I want to be and hot!
Don't like who you are
Then hit that costume shop
Rock a new
And different sexy look
Why be so downhearted?
Blast some trashy pop
And drop it to this hot
And sexy hook
I can be
Who I want to be and sexy!
I can be
Who I want to be and hot!
Be somebody new
Do a total transformation
Animal or mineral, too
Or even vegetation!
I give you sexy corn.
I can be who I want to be
And sexy!
Why are you dressed so scary?
It's Halloween.
if you don't dress slutty,
that is slut-shaming us.
Um, it's just,
like, traditionally,
girls had to be witches
or clowns
and we've worked really hard
to progress past that.
That makes sense.
I'm gonna go find Aaron.
A sexy Quint
From sexy Jaws
Catching sexy sharks
Sexy Eleanor Roosevelt
Or sexy Joan of Arc
I can be a sexy pirate
Or a sexy ballet dancer
I can be a sexy doctor
And cure some sexy cancer!
That's not right,
is it?
I can sexy cure some cancer?
I can cure sex cancer!
Sex cancer doesn't exist.
I did it.
Dance break.
Happy Halloween!
This is
Modern feminism talkin'
Watch me as I run the world
In shoes I cannot walk in
I can be who I want to be
And sex... sex
I'm a sexy mouse. Duh!
I like your costume.
from everyone else's.
I didn't know
I was supposed to...
I'm such a weird
foreign loser.
No. It's great.
You want a drink?
Uh, do they have juice?
I can check. Wait here.
I think you and Aaron
would be a really cute couple.
I just said so.
Don't be thirsty.
You know, I could talk
to him for you. If you want.
See if he likes you back.
You would do that for me?
Trust me. I know exactly
how to play it.
I need to talk to you.
I thought you were done
talking to me
when you started talking
to Shane last summer.
Shut up. 'Cause you know
that homeschooled girl, Cady?
Yeah, I invited her tonight.
Yeah, well, be careful.
'Cause she has
a huge crush on you.
Don't be gross.
She's my friend and...
...she's, like, really
inexperienced and, um...
Wow, sorry.
I didn't think this
would be so hard for me.
I don't know,
I guess I just...
just have, like, a lot
of, like, unresolved trauma
from how things ended with us.
Give me a break.
Leave me alone.
G, why are you upset?
What do you mean,
please? G!
Yes, I look perfect
Ice Queen
That's what you see
It's what they all expect
From me
But it's all show
Face it, you used me
You saw the sexy clothes
My supermodel pose
What did you know?
Was I a game to you?
Was I a way to be cool?
I truly cared
Was I the fool?
It's fine for you
It's fine to flirt
It's fine
Till someone gets hurt
Feel my heart beating?
I'm just like her or you
People forget I'm human, too
Yes, they do that
This is performance
This is all self-defense
I thought you had the sense
To see through that
Was I too proud with you?
Was I too cold
And forbidding?
You chose her over me
Are you kidding?
It's fine for you
It's fine to flirt
It's fine
Till someone gets hurt
Till someone gets hurt!
Poor little me
I'm trapped
In this fabulous show
You could set me free
But if you're going, go
It's fine for you
It's fine to flirt
And, God, you're hot!
Why do you even
Wear a shirt?
No, it's fine
Damn, you're fine!
And it's fine
Till someone gets...
She took him back.
She took Aaron back.
Of course she did.
It's because Regina's
a life ruiner!
When we were in sixth grade,
she told everybody
that Janis was...
Okay. She does not need
to hear that right now.
No, I know the story.
You lit a fire 'cause Regina
got a boyfriend.
She said what?
Oh, hell no.
No! The truth
will be told.
Stay with me, Cady.
Like all history,
this is emotionally layered
and culturally dense.
Janis and Regina were
best friends in middle school.
And at that time, females
expressed their identities
through collectible plushies.
I don't know what those...
It's these bastards.
And they were everywhere.
Regina gave Janis a BFF set
for her birthday.
Janis put a rainbow patch
on hers.
This is how she came out
to her friend.
And Regina put one
on hers, too,
out of allyship because
she used to be human.
Cut to eight months later,
Regina becomes obsessed
with this gross boy. Kyle!
Your scale is
completely off.
One night, they were
all playing spin the bottle...
And Regina was worried
that Kyle liked Karen more.
So when she spun
and got Janis,
Regina put on a little show.
And Kyle was like "boing"!
And Regina was like...
..."I knew she would let me!
She's, like,
obsessed with me!"
Not okay.
Please put this all back
in its box.
They got into a huge fight.
Regina started avoiding Janis
at school,
but did she give back
that plush animal?
Oh, no.
She took it everywhere.
She named her "Sissy Liz"
and she made everyone say
"good morning" to it
every day,
and it was very weird
and boring.
Fast forward.
One day in Science,
Regina was making everyone
say hi to Sissy Liz.
And Janis finally heard it.
"Sissy Liz" was short
for "Obsessed Lesbian."
Regina had been making fun
of Janis this entire time
and everyone but her knew it.
So, and this is regrettable...
Janis took
her Bunsen burner...
and torched the doll.
And Regina's backpack
caught on fire a little bit
and Janis was kicked
out of school
for the remainder of the year.
And the adults
didn't know why.
Janis just seemed crazy.
I'm really sorry
that happened.
It's worse than my thing.
Caddy, don't be sorry.
Now you know Regina George
is not your friend.
We are your friends.
And we're gonna
make her pay.
You know what friends do?
They got your back
And they are fun
To be around
When someone hurts you
Then they attack
And grind your foe
Into the ground!
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Imagine a party
With dresses and cake
And singing and dancing
And cake
And there's a magic act
That saws Regina in half
And this time
It'll take
Now that's a party!
It's a revenge party
A party that ends
With somebody's head
On a spike
It's a revenge party
With your two best friends
It's like a party
With revenge
Is what it's like
Caddy, in order
for this to work,
you need to act
like a huge phony.
Can you do it?
I... I think so.
Regina wanted me to tell you
that she tried
to talk to Aaron,
but he just wanted her back,
and that's not Regina's fault.
Of course. Oh, my gosh.
Love ya. See you at lunch.
On to phase two.
I'll bring
The glow sticks
I'll bring balloons
And we'll have
Chocolate ice cream cones
Whoa, whoa, whoa
I'll be the DJ
Spinnin' the tunes
On a turntable made
Of her bones
We'll get a piata
'Cause that would be fun
And play dress up
And Barbies
And tag
And we'll roll on the grass
And stare up at the sun
Then we'll stuff her remains
In a bag
And throw 'em in the river!
A revenge party
A party that ends
With entrails
All over the lawn
A revenge party
With your two best friends
And I end up with Aaron
When she's gone
Yes, bitch!
I end up with Aaron
when she's gone.
Yes, bitch.
I think I need a tutor.
I could tutor you,
if you want.
What's Regina doin'?
What's Regina wearin'?
Is she back with Aaron?
Regina! Regina!
She has everything
She gets everything
Regina! Regina! Regina!
What is that?
Ugh, I'm so fat
and disgusting.
I'm not having anything
but Klteen bars
until I lose weight.
Well, I need
to lose three pounds.
How many calories from fat?
You cross-multiply x
over a thousand
and divide it by 0.5
because it's in kilograms.
Bring me a whole box.
No, um, bring me two.
A revenge party
A party that ends
With somebody crushed
And alone
And ugly-crying!
A revenge party
With your two best friends
It's like a party
With revenge
Is what we're throwin'!
What's Regina eating?
God, look at her figure
Did her boobs get bigger?
Regina! Regina!
She has everything!
She gets everything!
Regina! Regina! Regina!
Six weeks and all we've done
is make Regina hotter
and revive the wet look.
We have to pivot.
If we can make
Gretchen Wieners think
that Regina is mad at her...
No, no, no.
Gretchen is fragile.
If we crack her open,
maybe she'll spill
something we can use.
Hey, girl, you sending
any candy canes this year?
I don't send them.
I just get them.
Um, stop pulling it down.
Your hair looks so sexy
pushed back.
Cady, would you
please tell him
that his hair looks sexy
pushed back?
Your hair looks sexy
pushed back.
I'll, uh, see you in Calc.
At every party
There might be a low
Where the energy dips
Whoa, whoa, whoa
You might be thinking
"It's late, we should go
And they ran out of chips"
No! I can't even watch
When she touches his hair
And I've watched a snake
Eat a cow
Regina needs to be toppled
Sorry, Gretchen, I swear
We'll get our party now!
One candy cane, please!
A revenge party
A party that ends
With lions in a Roman arena
She has everything!
She gets everything!
Regina! Regina! Regina!
Ho, ho, ho!
Candy Cane Gram
for Shane Oman!
She has everything!
And one for Cady Heron.
She gets everything!
Four for Glenn Cocco?
You go, Glenn Cocco!
Glenn Cocco!
Glenn Cocco! Glenn Cocco!
And... none
for Gretchen Wieners, bye.
Who sent that?
Oh, it's from...
Regina! Regina! Regina!
"Thanks for being
such a great best friend."
If you and Regina are
"best friends" now,
then you can be in charge of
keeping all her secrets, okay?
For example, she gave you
those high-heel shoes
just to make fun of you
because she knew
you wouldn't be able
to walk in them. Sorry!
Also, she says
she has a nose job,
but that's just to distract
from the fact
that she had one
of her ears moved!
Also, she totally cheats
on Aaron.
Yeah. Every Tuesday,
she says she has College Prep,
but really she's hooking up
with Shane Oman
in the third-floor
janitorial closet
on the bags of sawdust
that they use for barf!
And I never told anyone
because I'm such
a good friend!
And I'm only telling you
because you're such
a good friend.
It's a revenge party
A party that ends
With somebody's head
On a spike!
A revenge party
With your two best friends
It's like a party
With revenge
Is what it's like
A party with revenge
Is what it's like
A party with revenge
With revenge
Is what it's like!
Hey, do you have time to go
over derivatives for a minute?
Oh, um... no, not today.
You've failed
your last five quizzes.
Is everything okay?
I'm... I'm sorry.
I'll just try harder.
Okay, because
if you need extra help,
there's a Mathletes meeting
starting in a couple minutes.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I have to go
to my friend Regina's house.
We're doing a dance
in the talent show.
"Rockin' Around
the Pole"?
Yeah, how did you know?
They do it every year.
It's like a...
Recurring nightmare.
Okay, I could probably
get Kevin to tutor you.
Well, Aaron's tutoring me now,
Oh, he's tutoring you?
Sure, okay, well,
let Aaron know that the weird
thing with your quizzes
is that all the work is right
and only the answers are wrong.
Cady, I am not gonna
stop pushing you,
because I'm a pusher.
And I know you're smarter
than this.
Maybe I should just push
your seat away from Aaron's.
Ugh! And she was like,
"I'm a pusher, Cady.
I'm a pusher."
Wait, what does she even mean,
she's a "pusher"?
Like a drug pusher?
I don't know.
She's so weird.
Let it all out, honey.
Put it in the book.
Look at this thing!
I can't even see it.
It's sexy,
like a face breast.
It happens to me, too.
It's just the Klteen bars
flushing your toxins.
Huh. Okay.
Well, this skin stuff
you gave me sucks!
Where did you get it?
The Paris airport.
Oh, "the Paris airport."
Well, it's garbage.
And so are you.
She's just grouchy
because Aaron
broke up with her.
He did?
Someone told him
about Shane.
Do you think it was Santa?
all that she's been eating
are those Klteen bars,
and I don't think she's pooped
in, like, two weeks.
Hey, G, we've practiced
a bunch with Cady.
You want to run it once?
Why? I'm perfect every year.
Yeah, but it's,
uh, Cady's first time
and there's a bunch
of traffic patterns...
Stop playing with
that stupid babyish book!
Uh, that was
Damian Hubbard singing...
...the iCarly theme song
in French for extra credit.
Our next act describes
their music
as "Like a sine wave,
they don't stop."
Please welcome Kevin G
and the Power of Three.
Uh. Yeah.
All you
Suckah emcees
Ain't got nothin' on me
From my grades to my rhymes
You can't touch Kevin G
I'm a Mathlete
So good under pressure
I'ma find acute angles
To prioritize your pleasure
I'm a Model UN rep
Out in these streets
But I'm a overachiever
Under the sheets
She be like
"Uhhhh, Kevin G!"
Kevin, we talked about this.
happy holidays, everybody.
Why is this so tight?
You've had it
since the sixth grade.
You're probably maturing.
Um, do you just,
like, want to run it one time
real quick?
literally no one cares.
Mm-hmm. No, totally.
Um, do you just want
to run the acro?
Because none of us really does
gymnastics anymore
and when we made up this dance,
we all weighed, like, 70 pounds,
so maybe we should
just make sure everyone's
center of gravity is still...
Still what?
Thank you,
Shelby and Timmy, for tapping.
Also, if anyone finds
a retainer
in a bright aqua case,
that is mine.
Please return it.
My insurance won't cover
a replacement.
Karen, I can see your bra.
It's on purpose.
I'm going for a look.
Is it "girl
who slept with 11 people"?
'Cause you're nailing it.
I think your top is fetch.
Stop trying
to make "fetch" happen.
It's not going to happen.
please welcome Santa's Helpers
doing "Rockin'
Around the Pole."
We're gonna
Take a Christmas train
To where Santa lives
Up through the sleet
And snow
Then we'll hop and bop
Straight to the top
Last stop the North Pole
And we'll be rock, rock
Rockin' around the pole
Where the northern lights
Are bright
Rock, rock, rockin'
Around the pole
We'll rock that pole
All night
And we'll be sing, sing
Singin' a Christmas tune
Thank you, next!
Yeah, we'll be rock
Rock, rockin' up on that pole
Rockin' till the break
Of day
Yeah, we'll be rockin'
Stuffin' a stockin'
And they'll be talkin'
About us in town
Yeah, we'll be rockin'
And rollin' and lockin'
And strollin'
Till the North Pole police
Come shut us down
So, I went
to the Christmas show
and it was a mess, y'all.
Regina ate total shit.
I think people saw her nipple.
It's just unprofessional.
This was kind of hilarious.
I've watched
this video a thousand times.
Gretchen piledrived Regina.
Regina really should be
lifting through her glutes.
Regina challenge!
You know
what that bitch gets?
Not my sympathy.
It's not like
we like Regina anyway.
She's such a bitch.
She's so spoiled.
Regina always wanted
to be the center of attention.
Girl, we all see you.
Regina got what she deserves.
But you know, that Cady girl
was kind of cute.
You know, she stayed,
she waved.
She ate, like, house down.
Cady Heron was the only one
that acted normal.
Oh, yeah.
I think she salvaged
the worst tradition
of the year.
She was... She's kind of hot.
She might even be hotter
than Regina George.
No zits. Gum health.
American Eagle.
Cady doesn't even have
to wear deodorant.
I'm thinking of going red.
Okay, so, somebody sent me
this look, and I was like,
"Hot girls,
we are going back to red!
Y2K fire-crotch is back!"
Thank you, Cady Heron.
Cady was looking good.
Did you hear me?
We did it.
Regina lost
her hot boyfriend.
She lost her status
over everyone.
She popped her blemish
against the stage floor.
That's rock bottom.
We can stop. We're even.
Finally you don't have
to talk to them anymore.
We can finally
have lunch together tomorrow.
I'm getting dumplings.
Unless they have pizza bagels,
then I might get both.
So good.
I can't.
I need one more lunch.
I'm sorry, Regina.
You can't sit with us.
You're wearing sweatpants.
It's Thursday.
Those rules aren't real.
They were real
that day I wore a vest.
Yeah, because that vest
was disgusting!
You can't sit with us!
These sweatpants
are all that fit me right now.
What do you think, Cady?
Sorry, Regina.
Rules are rules.
Take a picture, losers.
It'll last longer.
And that...
...was the beginning...
...of the...
may I have your attention
for this morning's
In honor
of Women's History Month,
the cafeteria is offering
vegan "Confident Joannes"
which are Sloppy Joes
made of beans.
Secondly, we want
to wish good luck
to junior, Janis 'Imi'ike...
...who is a finalist
in the Illinois Art Expo
this Saturday.
Go, Lions! Even for Art.
Art, art, art!
Next up,
the Students Activities
Committee voted,
and the theme for
this year's Spring Fling...
What's that lip color?
Oh, it's e.l.f. O Face in...
No, amazing, yeah.
I was just making sure
your ears still worked.
And finally, the nominees for
Spring Fling King and Queen
are as follows:
For King, Aaron Samuels,
Christian Wiggins
and Shane Oman.
And Damian Hubbard. What?
For Queen...
...Regina George...
...Karen Shetty
and Gretchen Wieners.
Same old, same old.
And Caddy Heron.
Wait, my mistake.
Cady Heron.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
so many people are texting me.
Should I, um, text Aaron
and congratulate him?
Hey, do you want a lift
this weekend?
'Cause Damian's borrowing
his grandma's Jazzy.
A lift to what?
My art show.
Didn't you just hear
Mr. Duvall talking about it?
Oh, that's this weekend?
Oh, shoot.
I have tickets to this thing
in Madison with my mom.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you seem
super sad about it.
So, what are we doing
this weekend?
Why is everyone asking me
about the weekend?
It's Tuesday.
Yeah, the weekend is only...
several days away.
I have to go to this thing
in Madison with my mom.
Your mom is going away?
You should have people over.
No, I'm going with her.
Well, if you have people over,
you can invite Aaron.
Yeah, I guess
I could get out of it.
But, like,
we would keep it small, right?
Like five or six people?
Why are you doing this to me?!
I promised my friend Janis
I'd go to her art show!
But, binti, we've had
these tickets for months.
You love Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Janis is my best friend!
Do you not want me
to be a good friend?!
No! Yes! What?
You can, uh, stay home
on your own, I guess.
Hey. I'm having
a small get-together
at my house tomorrow night.
My mom's away, so...
Is Regina going?
No! Do you think
I'm an idiot? No.
It's just gonna be
a few cool people,
and you better be
one of them, byotch.
Okay. I'll be there.
No, no, no!
Have you seen Aaron?
I've been looking for you.
Me as well.
I like your costume.
I mean, um, your dress.
Is this you holding
a crocodile?
Oh, my God,
don't look at that.
That is so embarrassing.
No, it's not. It's awesome.
You miss Kenya?
No. I mean, I...
Well, I miss...
I could see
a lot more sky there.
At night.
My mom and I used
to map the constellations.
The stars.
You still on
the treadmill, honey?
No, I'm over there.
You got any plans tonight?
It's Saturday.
Mom, don't bother me.
I know you're not
feeling your best
about your body right now,
but remember that real beauty
comes from the face.
Don't ever talk about my body!
Okay, okay.
Wait, honey, why are
you eating Klteen bars?
These are what
we gave Nana Joan
when we needed her
to gain weight.
I am drinking
not juice tonight.
I know. I can tell.
We should go downstairs.
No, no, no, sit down.
I'm amazing.
I think you should wear
your hair however you want.
I think it looks good
both ways.
Thank you
for inviting me tonight.
I think
I've spent too much time
being pissed at Regina.
Yeah, you really have.
No more liars.
I would never lie to you.
I mean,
I did lie to you once.
But you are totally
gonna laugh when I tell you.
Tell me what?
We're in here!
I pretended
to be bad at math
to get you to help me,
but I'm not bad at math.
I'm actually... I'm actually
really good at math.
You're the one who's only
kind of okay at math.
Anyways, um,
now I'm failing.
So isn't that so dumb?
That is dumb, yeah.
Why wouldn't you
just talk to me?
Because of Regina.
'Cause you were her property.
Her property?
Shut up. Not her property.
Don't tell me to shut up.
What? Aaron, sit down.
You are a clone of Regina.
No. No, no, no!
What are you thinking about?
Chicken wings later.
Do you ever think about me?
When I'm looking right at you.
Cady, Cady, Cady!
No, no, no.
Aaron, wait!
You dirty little liar.
I... I can explain.
Explain how you're supposed
to be out of town
but there are
60 different people
posting pictures
from your party?
You know
I couldn't invite you.
I... I have to act
like I don't know you.
You are full of lies!
Janis, I cannot stop
this Jazzy.
You know I have a curfew!
You would hate this party.
Why? Aren't you having
an amazing time
with your amazing friends?
Janis, I can't spend
every minute with you.
It's not my fault you're like
obsessed with me or something!
Oh, no, she didn't.
See, this is the problem
with you Plastics.
You think everyone
is obsessed with you
when actually
everybody hates you.
You made me like this.
It was your idea for me
to pretend to be Plastic!
Buddy, it's not pretend!
You are as plastic
As they come
You think
Your shit don't stink
You think
The rest of us are dumb
I hate Regina's guts
But here's what
You don't comprehend
At least she has the guts
To not pretend
To be my friend!
Have this. It won an award.
No, it's fine
Really fine
Go be fine!
And I want my pink shirt.
My name is Regina George
And I am a massive deal
I will grind you to sand
Beneath my Louboutin-ed heel
This is what I get
For helping
Helping someone lame fit in
Cady Heron
Enjoy your temporary win
My name is Regina George
"This girl is a fugly cow"
Hey, Cady
How you like me now?
I want to watch
The world burn
I brought the gasoline
I want to watch
The world burn
And everyone get mean
I want to watch
The world burn
I got the gasoline
I want to watch
The world burn
And everyone get
Cady, time to
Watch your back
Cady, time to turn and cough
Because you took me down
But you didn't finish me off
My name is Regina George
And in case
You're keeping score
Cady may have won the battle
But I will win the war
I'm just so upset, Mr. Duvall.
We found it in the hallway.
I mean, the things
it says about me?
The things it says
about all of us?
I want to watch
The world burn
Trang Pham
Is a grotsky byotch!
"Rachel Hamilton fills
her inhaler with vodka"?
I mean... does that work?
I got the gasoline
Ms. Norbury's
A drug pusher!
No, no, no. No!
"Ms. Norbury is a sad,
old drug pusher"?
"Haley Fralenger has" ...what?
What's this?
Hairy nips.
Good Lord.
Mmm, I want
To make the world burn
Janis is a pyro-lez!
Don't you worry.
We're gonna find out
who did this.
There's only three girls
in the whole school
who aren't in it.
Regina is a fugly cow!
Regina is a fugly cow!
You wrote this
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I want to watch
The world burn
I got the gasoline
I want to watch
The world burn
And everyone turn
Mean... Mean
"Damian Hubbard
is too gay to function"?
That is only okay
when I say it.
Only Cady could
have written that.
I want to watch
The world burn
I want to make
The world turn
So mean!
Oh, hell no!
I did not go
to graduate school for this.
I want to watch
The world burn!
All junior girls report
to the gymnasium immediately!
Never in my 31 years
as an educator
have I seen such behavior.
I have half a mind to cancel
your Spring Fling dance!
I object.
But we're not gonna do that
because we've already paid
the DJ.
But I am taking
this "Burn Book" seriously.
Now who has something
to say about this?
Someone wrote in that book
that I'm lying
about being a virgin
because I use
super-jumbo tampons.
But I can't help it
if I have a heavy flow
and a wideset vagina.
Okay. Thank you.
Hold that thought.
Sharon, you need
to run this.
Oh, come on.
I need to be able
to tell parents
that we fixed this,
and honestly,
you need to prove
whoever called you
a drug pusher
was just joking.
Okay, fine,
but you are walking the dogs
every morning
for the rest of the week.
Thank you. I love you.
I love you, too.
Excuse me.
Well, okay, hotshots,
who wrote all this junk?
Any ideas?
Um, can I just say,
I don't think we have a clique
problem at this school?
And some of us
shouldn't have to participate
in whatever this is,
um, just because
of a few bad people.
"A few bad people."
Well, let's unpack that.
I want everybody
to close your eyes.
And I want you
to raise your hand
if you have ever had
a girl say something bad
about you behind your back.
Open your eyes.
Now close them again.
This time I want you
to raise your hand
if you have ever said
something bad
about a friend
behind her back.
Open your eyes.
Seems like maybe
we could take a break
from being victims
in this situation
and start taking
for our own actions.
Okay, we're gonna write out
some apologies
to people that we've hurt
in our lives.
Everybody up.
I'm gonna kill you.
'Cause one thing
I know for sure, guys:
Calling someone "ugly" is not
gonna make you better looking.
Calling somebody else "stupid"
does not make you any smarter.
And we as women have
to be able to trust
and support each other.
Like this.
Okay, that was good.
That was really good.
That could have
really backfired.
I'm sorry I said you look
like you comb your hair
with a chicken bone.
I know you're vegetarian.
Gretchen, I'm sorry I
laughed at you that time
you got diarrhea
on the Ferris wheel.
And I'm sorry
for repeating it now.
And I'm sorry to the people
who were below us.
I'm sorry I said
you were dragging
during "Revenge Party."
There was just, like,
so much pressure on us
to move the story forward
through montage.
Like, you know how it is.
What is going on?
Don't worry about it.
I just wish
we could all get along
like we used to
in elementary school.
I wish
I could bake a cake
made out of rainbows
and smiles.
Then we could all eat it
and be happy.
She don't even go here!
Do you go to this school?
I'm here for a track meet.
I just have a lot of feelings!
Okay, sweetheart,
you got to go home.
Come on, we're gonna...
Oh, thank you.
...we're gonna call
your grown-up.
My turn, I guess.
Watch, this is either gonna be
some really crappy art
or really good fire.
Okay, sure.
I have an apology.
My friend and I thought
it would be fun
to mess up
Regina George's life.
So we got
these candy-bar things
to make her gain weight...
...and we told her lard
was face cream.
And we turned her best friends
against her.
And then my friend Cady...
Yeah, you all know
my friend Cady.
She got Regina's boyfriend
to dump her!
And it turns out,
Cady's actually
just as selfish
and phony as Regina George.
So this apology is to myself.
Because I should've
known better.
So your best friend
Screwed you over
Acted nice when
She's not nice
Well, I have some advice
'Cause it's happened
To me twice
Here's my secret strategy
It always works because
The world doesn't end
It just feels like it does
Just raise your right finger
And solemnly swear
Whatever they say about me
I don't care
I won't twist in knots
To join your game
I will say
"You make me mad"
And if you treat me bad
I'll say, "You're bad"
If I eat alone
From this moment on
That's just what I'll do
'Cause I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
Than be with you
We're supposed
To all be ladies
And be nurturing and care
Is that really fair?
Boys get to fight
We have to share
Here's the way that
That turns out
We always understand
How to slap someone down
With our underhand
So here is my right finger
To how girls should behave
'Cause sometimes
What's meant to break you
Makes you brave
So I will not act all innocent
I won't fake apologize
Let's just fight
And then make up
Not tell these lies
Let's call our damage even
Clean the slate
Till it's like new
It's a new life for me
Where I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
Than be with you
I'll say, "No"
I'll say, "Knock it off
With your notes
And your rules
And your games"
And those sycophants
Who follow you
I'll remember all their names
And when they drag you down
Like they inevitably do
I will not laugh along
With them
And approve
Their palace coup
'Cause that's not me
I don't need
Their good opinions
I've got plenty of opinions
Every asshole has opinions
But it doesn't make 'em true
What's true is being me
And I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
Than be with you
So raise 'em high
'Cause playing nice and shy
Is insulting my IQ
I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
Than be with you
Walk away, turd.
Regina, I'm so sorry!
I didn't mean to hurt you!
You are
a lowlife version of me...
I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
I'd rather be me
Than be with
And that's how
Regina George died.
Again, no one died!
I mean, technically, Regina
did die for, like, 15 seconds
but then she was revived.
And of course,
the rumor mill
started going insane.
I just saw
Regina get hit by a bus.
An artery come out
of her neck and her head
went all the way around!
Guys, street safety
is so important.
I'm just sad, like,
that's all I can say.
We are sending
our love and prayers...
Link in bio to my GoFundMe
page to raise money.
Regina, we knew
you would pull through.
How do I get this
off my algorithm?
I'm not one
to spread rumors,
but I'm pretty sure I saw Cady
push her right in front of it.
On my life, Cady pushed her.
I literally saw Cady
push Regina.
Don't fill up my comments,
but... karma.
Girls are made deranged
by what's called hormones.
F that bitch.
F that wench.
All right.
Ms. Norbury is on a, uh,
temporary leave of absence.
I heard that, Miss Rockwell.
Anyways, we're not sure
who your substitute...
I did it.
I wrote that Ms. Norbury is
a drug pusher, and it's a lie.
Three-week suspension.
This is not
who I know you to be.
I know.
Where is my Ndebele vase?
What do you mean, what?
You know, the colorful vase
that's always in that window.
Where is it?
I had some friends over
when you were away.
Go do your homework!
Um, also...
I need you to sign
my Calculus test,
'cause I'm failing.
I guess you'll need this back
to set an alarm for tomorrow.
Don't want it.
You only have one message.
From someone named Karen,
who says:
"Donut worry.
I am still your freend."
How bad is it gonna
be tomorrow?
I was thinking maybe
I should go back
to being homeschooled.
Sweetie, no.
It's too small, me and you.
And I think
you're learning things now
that I don't know
how to teach.
Good night.
Can you sit with me
till I fall asleep?
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, hi. Did you want
to buy some drugs?
No, I was just handing
my quiz back.
You know, when the police
tore apart my house
looking for imaginary heroin,
I found this old calculator
that I thought I lost, so...
totally worth it.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
But I know you didn't write
that whole book yourself.
You gonna tell Mr. Duvall
who did?
Trying this new thing
where I don't talk
about people
behind their backs.
Getting hit by a bus seems
like enough punishment.
Welcome back, nerd.
Will you be attending
the Spring Fling this weekend?
No. Everyone hates me.
Perfect, because
I figured out a way for you
to earn some extra credit.
Hey, Bird,
you ready to suit up
and show off
your math schquills?
Kev, stop trying
to make "schquills" happen.
It's not gonna happen.
Jacob, get off my dick.
Hey! PG-13, please.
Welcome to the ICMState Math Championships.
Sponsored by SeatGeek.
Yeah, SeatGeek!
Tonight will be
the culmination
of all you've worked for.
Each right answer
will be worth two points.
The highest score at the end
of 40 minutes of play wins.
As always, no calculators.
Question one.
Two, three, four!
Determine the equation of
the tangent line to the graph.
The answer is B.
Solve the equation above
using prime numbers.
Prime factor 41.
Please solve for x.
x = 2?
x is greater
than the value of y.
Stupid with love
I didn't get it
I didn't get it, somehow
Smart with math
But stupid with love
I didn't get it
Negative two!
Stupid with love
Stupid with love
Function [x] = mx + c.
Stupid with love
Stupid with love
Both polynomials
are second degree,
so the asymptote is at y = 5.
I feel my brain
Begin to rust
I am filled with calcu-lust
Does this guy work out?
He must
All sweaty at the gym
Could that image be more hot?
Let me just enjoy
That thought
School was rough
But now it's not
Negative four?
The slope is zero.
The slope
of the tangent line is four.
Well, this has only ever
happened once before.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a tie.
In the event of a tie,
we move into a one-on-one
sudden-death round
where each team
may choose their opponent.
We pick the girl.
We pick the girl, too.
Ms. Krafft, Ms. Heron,
please step forward.
Nice to meet you.
Whatever, slut.
Contestants, please find
the limit of this expression.
You know,
it's not me against you.
It's North Shore
versus Marymount.
A very wise teacher...
The limit is negative one.
That answer is incorrect.
If Ms. Heron
can answer correctly,
we have a winner.
You got this, Golf Bird.
Why can't I remember
anything about limits?
Honey, I don't know your life.
Why did you waste time
insulting me?
Why did I waste time
judging your hair?
This is not a competition.
It kind of is, though.
A math one.
I was stupid
But now I get it
No what ifs, might haves
Could have been if I had
Only tried, not held back
That's not a part of my plan
I see the things
That I missed
No, that's not the me
That I am
The limit
It doesn't exist!
The limit does not exist.
Our new state champions,
the North Shore Mathletes.
Yeah, you like that,
Get some! Get some!
Don't hold me back!
Don't hold me back!
Stupid with love
But now I get it
Stupid with love
But now I get it
Stupid with love
But now I get it
Have you seen Jason?
Like right now
or like ever in life?
Ohhh, miss!
I'm supposed to hang
with my fallback in there
but, you know,
if you wanted to slip out,
meet in my Jeep or...
It's me!
No, I... I know.
Yeah, I knew the whole time.
No, we are done!
Because you know what?
I have a 140 IQ,
very toned legs,
and my parents love me!
And you will regret this
when you're old
because I am fricking fetch!
That's how you use it.
Come on.
Okay, attention, everybody.
let's go!
You look pretty.
I'm wearing
a corrective neck collar.
I'm sorry about the bus.
I feel like it's all my fault.
No... No, it's not your fault.
Cady, don't apologize for
things that aren't your fault.
But, yeah,
I forgive you, 'cause...
I'm on a lot
of pain medication right now.
You know I died
for 15 seconds?
Anyway, my mom was really
pumped to be on the news.
It's weird
when people treat you
like you're famous
or something.
It's amazing.
Until it's not.
Look, I...
I know I have to change.
And I was harsh.
And people say
that I'm a bitch.
You know what they would
call me if I was a boy?
That's what my mom was gonna
name me if I was a boy, so...
I would rather be "bitch."
I like you.
But this medicine
makes me like everyone, so...
do we have all of our nominees
for the Spring Fling
King and Queen onstage?
I just want to say
you're all winners.
And I am retiring as soon
as this evening is over.
The winner
of the Spring Fling King is...
Shane Oman.
Whoo! Yeah!
Um, have you seen Janis?
Every day since 2009.
But she doesn't want
to see you.
your Spring Fling Queen...
Damian, I'm...
I'm really sorry.
Cady Heron.
I mean, of course she is.
Go, Cady!
Where is Cady?
I think people voted for me
because they think
I pushed someone
in front of a bus.
It's not your fault.
A bus pushed me.
But what is my fault is
the way I treated my friends.
I used you and I lied to you
and I'm... I'm so sorry.
I'm also sorry to everyone
whose feelings got hurt
from the Burn Book.
You know,
it's really not required
for you to make a speech.
Right. Almost done,
I promise. Um...
I think everyone looks
like royalty tonight.
It just seems weird
for one person to win this.
I mean,
it's just a chunk of plastic.
We could just share it.
Cheap, fake
Easy to break
That's how I used to be
Here... Take it.
Now I'm awake
I'll tell you what I see
Plastic don't shine
Glitter don't shine
Rhinestones don't shine
The way you do
You are so real
You are so rare
I see you there
I see you
I see stars
So many stars tonight
You could make diamonds dull
You are so beautiful
I see stars
You shine as bright as day
I will look out for you
We'll light each other's way
You're all stars
All right,
have a good time, everyone.
No vaping.
Rachel Hamilton!
Give me that inhaler.
Are you still mad at me?
I don't know.
Are you still an asshole?
I don't think so?
Wherever darkness falls
I'll be the light
To guide you home
She sounds good.
But she does not
go here, y'all.
Would you look over there?
Oh, my gosh!
Do you want to dance?
Congrats on winning state.
The jacket looks, uh,
really good on you.
Thanks. It has a pocket inside
for a calculator.
You stars
So many stars tonight
I see stars
And that was
the first time in history
that Spring Fling
was actually fun.
Ms. Norbury and
Mr. Duvall got wasted. JK, JK.
Karen discovered
the safe joy
of dancing with theater boys.
And Plastics and Jocks
partied with math nerds.
Janis danced
to a pop song
and didn't burst into flames.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
And everyone else
just kind of floated.
So the moral
of our story is thus:
Calling someone stupid
won't make you any smarter.
And even the people
you really don't like
are still people
who just want to coexist.
So get off their dicks!
I see
Where she at?
What she doing?
Who she with
And where she from?
Well, she's this
Oh, she's that
She's a flight risk
On the run
She's back, she's back
Yeah, I'm back, bitch
Are you done?
Excuse me
While I bite my tongue
I'm back on that same shit
From before
I can't take this pettiness
Now I'm bored
We can champagne
There's enough for us all
Told you who I am
And what it is
It's not my fault
It's not my fault
You came with her
But she might leave with me
It's not my fault
You've got to pay
For what I get for free
It's not my fault
You're like, you're like
You're like in love with me
It's not my fault
You're like in love with me
You're like in love with me
Get her number, get her name
Get a good thing
While you can
Kiss a blonde, kiss a friend
Can a gay girl get an amen?
I'm back on that same shit
From before
I can't take this pettiness
Now I'm bored
We can champagne
There's enough for us all
I told you who I am
And what it is
It's not my fault
It's not my fault
You came with her
But she might leave with me
It's not my fault
You've got to pay
For what I get for free
It's not my fault
You're like, you're like
You're like in love with me
It's not my fault
You're like in love with me
You're like in love with me
I mean, who wouldn't want
To be in love with me
I'm a mood board
Girls got to Pinterest me
I'm a stallion but they come
And f... me like Trojan
And it wouldn't be me
If I ain't cause commotion
I'm so bad
Dudes thought I was AI
I ballin' like AI
I stick to a whole lot
Of paper like a stapler
Stack like Jenga
And you basic bitch
Get stroke like a painter
It's funny how the mean girl
Open all the doors
I've been told y'all
I'm the black Regina George
Bikini top, booty shorts
Megan core
You was hating back then
Now you finna hate more
I got influence
They do anything I endorse
I run s...
To be a bad bitch is a sport
I woke up hotter
Than I was yesterday
Don't care about no rules
'Cause I always get my way
It's not my fault
You came with her
But she might leave with me
It's not my fault
You've got to pay
For what I get for free
It's not my fault
You're like, you're like
You're like in love with me
It's not my fault
You're like in love with me
You're like in love with me
A sexy Quint
From sexy Jaws
Catching sexy sharks
Sexy Eleanor Roosevelt
Or sexy Joan of Arc
I can be a sexy pirate
Or a sexy ballet dancer
I can be a sexy doctor
And cure some sexy cancer!
Happy Halloween!
This is
Modern feminism talkin'
Watch me as I run the world
In shoes I cannot walk in
I can be who I want to be
And sex... sex
I'm a sexy mouse. Duh!
You're next.
You could be really hot
if you change, like,