Meatballs Part II (1984) Movie Script
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE SUMMER PLAYING)
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waitin' for the summer
to sing this song
About the
swimmin' and the women
and funnin' and the songin'
In the sun
We've been waitin' for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin'
and examin' got to
take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now the waiting's done
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
(ALL CHATTERING)
Gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Come on, campers,
listen up.
I know a bunch
of terrific songs
we can all sing together.
You know, to really get in
the spirit of four weeks
of fabulous fun!
What do you say?
(ALL CLAMORING)
Okay, okay, I hear you.
Come on, let's go.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Real mature.
Knock it off
or I'll kill us all!
(ALL SHOUTING)
We've been waitin' for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin'
and examin' got to
take a rest
We've been
patient for the summer
and now the waiting's done
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher
Gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Let's go, punk,
you're holdin' up the bus.
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON
POLICE RADIO)
I ain't never held up
a bus in my life.
But it sounds
like a good idea.
No wonder the judge said
either this or reform school.
It's always nice
to have a choice.
Hi there, Officer.
Boy, oh, boy,
what a great day it is.
This here
is one of yours.
Yeah, boarding pass,
right.
Uh, um, okay.
Well, there you go.
Thanks. Hop on board.
You won't regret it.
It's really, really
gonna be a great summer.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Wow, are you an athlete
or something?
You from outer space,
or what?
Well, sort of.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
EDDIE: Hey, Flash.
Flash the Bash, over here.
Hey, how you doin', man?
You still bustin' heads?
It's me. Eddie.
You're sittin'
in my seat, jack.
Get outta here.
Yeah, get outta here.
(CHUCKLING) Hey.
Flash, how are you?
Eddie, what's goin' on?
Hey, I ain't seen you
since we whipped them
mooks on the eastside.
Remember that?
What you been doin'?
Time.
Yeah, well,
I sorta heard talk.
Hey, don't tell me
you're goin' to camp?
Yeah. They made me a CI or somethin', I don't know.
You wanna make
somethin' of it?
No. No, man.
Flash the Bash
is gonna be a CIT?
Hey, that's great.
Oh, shit.
So what's it mean, anyway?
What?
CIT. What is it?
Oh, CIT?
It's a counselor
in training.
I'm one, too.
Well, you look after
the little guys.
You know,
big brother
sort of stuff.
It's a piece of cake.
Forget it.
Yeah, forget it.
Oh, we've been waitin'
for the summer all year long
Waitin' for the summer
to sing this song
So give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Hey, check out that dude.
(HONKING)
Albert, slow down.
Smell the pine.
That's no pine,
that's wheelchair exhaust.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Well, let him go.
I can take him.
He's handicapped.
The hell he is!
He's probably got
a 350 fuel-injected turbo
in there and the whole works!
Albert!
I can take him!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Albert, when you were born,
were your parents expecting
children?
Shut up!
(DUCKS QUACKING)
Okay, let's go.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(TIRES SKIDDING)
Hi, you must be...
How many campers
in wheelchairs you got?
Oh, I thought this was
one of those new Hondas.
Not unfunny. Tommy McVee.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Giddy.
Oh, yeah? Where's Happy,
Sneezy and Grumpy?
Not unfunny.
You know where you're goin'?
Yeah. Check out the chicks.
Catch you later, Bashful.
Fanny. Fanny,
I know a place
where the four of us can
go and the perfect place.
I mean,
the two of us.
(MIMICKING KISSING SOUNDS)
All right,
jerk off, Albert.
(FANNY BLOWING WHISTLE)
Come on, everybody, let's go.
Form up at your
cabin assignments.
Move it. Move it.
Oh, and you boys,
keep your pinkies the
hell away from my ladies.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Come on, girls, this way.
Come on, "pinkies?"
God, do you believe her?
This is the exact same camp
that was in that movie,
Friday the 13th.
The one
where all those
kids got murdered?
Dead for no reason.
Aw, relax, everybody's
nervous the first day.
Look at this shit.
Okay, here's
eight stamped postcards.
I want you to
send me one a week,
so I know you're okay.
Ma, you're trying to
live my whole life for me.
How can you say that?
These cards are
already written.
No talking after
lights out, Barry.
I'm Larry, Dad,
he's Barry.
Oh, sorry, Son.
And be sure
to eat everything
on your plate, Larry.
I'm Barry, Mom.
He's Larry.
Oh, sorry, Son.
Remember to be
a good sport, Barry.
I'm Larry, Dad.
I'm not your father, Barry,
I'm your mother.
I'm not Barry.
I'm Barry, Mom.
I'm not your mother, Larry,
I'm your father.
BARRY: I'm not Larry.
He's not your father.
I'm gonna miss you, Damian.
I'll miss you more, Susie.
Can I have somethin' to
remember you by?
And I don't want you
smoking pot.
Ma, I might
just experiment.
Well, don't pay for it.
Hey, are those alive?
No, they're stuffed.
You mean like cashews,
bread crumbs, raisins?
How much you want for one?
Hey, they're pets.
Psst.
You need a fix?
What have you got?
STEVE:
What's your thing, man?
And remember, boys
only want one thing.
What's wrong with that?
They never want it
when you want it.
Camp, go.
Four-wheel drive, man.
Four-wheel drive,
you numbskull.
(HERSHY CHATTERING)
Looking good,
young trooper.
Cease, ho.
That's it.
Double time,
young troopers.
Get to those or die.
Pick up that
fork-nosed rifle.
(BOYS SHOUTING)
Come on, lunge,
twist and hold.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
Hee-yah.
Hee-yah.
Rip 'em from across
the craw, boy. That's it.
All right,
move 'em out, trooper.
(KIDS GRUNTING)
Fine bunch of campers
this year, Foxglove.
Mmm-hmm. Hmm.
I tell you,
they're naturals.
You'd put
a pig sticker on
the end of a rifle
and a boy knows
just what to do
with it.
(YELLING)
(KIDS YELLING)
Hmm, God,
I love it so.
Hmm.
Let's go.
(KIDS SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Young whippersnapper.
(SNICKERS)
(CHILDREN GRUNTING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Get outta here.
This place sucks.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Sally Friedman?
Here.
Tula Washington?
TULA: You're lookin' at her.
FANNY: Nancy Lamon.
Okay now, Cabin six.
Which one of you boys
is Armand Carducci?
All right,
I'll repeat myself.
Who's Armand Carducci?
The name is Flash and
it's the only one
I answer to.
Okay, Flash.
Now, I'm Giddy.
Uh, Coach Giddy.
I'm the head
counselor here.
Damn. I'm in charge here.
I got the picture.
Good. Now,
we're not comfortable
with trouble at Sasquatch.
So don't give me any.
I hear
what you're sayin'.
Now I know
your reputation, Flash.
There's only one thing
I like about it.
Yeah? What's that?
How open are you
to the concept
of pugilism?
What kind
of weird shit
goes on around here?
I'm talking
about boxin'.
The sport,
fighting with rules.
I don't do rules.
I hear you're pretty
good with your hands.
Yeah? So what if I am?
Well, we got a tradition
around here.
It's called
Champ of the Lake.
It's us against Camp Patton.
Camp Patton. That's the camp
across the lake, the other
side there?
Sort of like a summer
Golden Gloves.
Now we got a fighter,
it's Boomer. He's great.
But he needs
a little help, Flash.
He needs a sparring partner.
A real two-fisted talent,
somebody like you.
What do you say?
Listen, Mr. Coach, I'm not
what you call a team player.
What if I said I'm tellin',
not askin'?
Are you?
No.
So then, why don't you
back off my case, huh?
I don't do
volunteer work.
You wanna give me
Cabin six? I'll take it.
The judge says
that's my sentence.
That's the total picture,
all right?
You know, if you
change your mind...
Forget it.
BUTTERBALL: Trade you
my goalie stick for
a Clark bar.
Hey, cool it, Butterball.
I don't do exclusives.
I gotta build up
a clientele.
That watch quartz?
Yeah, but my dad
gave it to me.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
BOY 1: You always
get the bed by
the window.
BOY 2:
But I'm the oldest.
LARRY: That's mine.
It's mine.
Who does Mom love best?
Me.
So you wanna
take the shirt, too?
All right, you turkeys.
Shut up!
STEVE: Oh, my gosh.
The name's Flash.
Mr. Flash.
And I only got one rule.
Don't bug me!
You got that,
you little twerps?
If you got a problem, tough,
don't bring it to me.
I don't do problems.
Mr. Flash, can we...
Hey, one more thing
you should know.
I don't do questions,
either.
(DUCKS QUACKING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
See that, Foxglove?
Morons, wimps and losers.
Same as last year, sir.
This summer
we're gonna crush 'em.
That's the spirit, sir.
Is that a lisp?
Did I hear a lisp, Foxglove?
A lisp, sir?
Goddamn homo talk.
Impossible, Colonel,
we're alone.
Cover my back.
Yes, sir.
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
I was seein'
this guy, real cute,
but they hated his guts.
And they were
drivin' me crazy.
Well, I was drivin'
them crazy.
So they decided the
best thing for me
was camp.
You know
what I mean?
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
NANCY: This one
I just couldn't resist.
What do you think?
They're really nice.
(SIGHING)
I couldn't
make up my mind.
Hey, you, uh,
wanna borrow one?
Gee, do you think
that'd be okay?
Oh, sure, I got tons.
What about shorts?
You got shorts?
Well, not exactly.
Here, try these.
Oh, and this goes
really cute with that.
Oh, Nancy, I couldn't.
Listen, we're sisters, right?
It's us against the pinkies.
Go on.
Okay, thanks.
(FROGS CROAKING)
But you...
You like me or not?
Yes, I like you.
But I think
we should set
a good example.
Oh, well, look,
nobody knows we're here.
This is a great place.
Not like that spot
last summer?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
All those kids,
all those flash bulbs?
No, no, no, no, no.
Or that time
down at the lake?
Oh, Fanny, look,
snakes only come out
like that once a year.
Are you sure we're alone?
Sure, look around.
You know, it's just getting
so foggy that I think
we should go back to camp.
JAMIE:
What do you mean,
it's not that foggy.
FANNY:
Oh, we'll do it
some other night.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(STUTTERS) Mom,
it's really creepy here.
I wanna go home.
But you'll like this camp.
Sonny, you'll see.
But it's not even
in our solar system.
Hey, don't you want to
earn your Earth Merit Badge?
Yes, Dad.
Then what's to talk?
Now, Sonny,
it looks like rain,
so be sure to wear
your little raincoat, dear.
But I don't want
to wear Earth clothes.
That's nonsense, Son.
You're going to be
just fine. You'll see.
Listen to this.
Who spent 325 jamochas
on English lessons
for you?
You, Dad.
So, kiss your mother
goodbye.
Goodbye, dear.
DAD:
And be careful
from the poison ivy.
Okay.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(BOYS SHOUTING)
(SCATTING)
GIDDY:
Good morning, Rene.
Ah, big day
ahead of us, huh?
You under control
in here?
But of course.
Uh-huh.
(SLURPS)
Some little adjustments
maybe, eh?
(SNICKERS)
Listen to me,
you crazy frog.
I want food we can eat.
Burgers, doggies,
home fries,
eggs over easy.
I'll go
as far as French toast,
but nothing, nothing fancy.
You know where
I'm comin' from?
Oui, monsieur.
I don't.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
STEVE: Come on, will you?
Open up.
Come on, open up!
I'm going first.
You always go first.
Who was born first?
Me.
So gimme a break,
will you?
BOTH: I gotta go!
Both of you?
At the same time?
That's sick.
What's the problem?
I think
somebody died in there.
TOMMY:
Here, take this.
Let her rip.
(REVVING)
(CREAKING)
(STUTTERING)
What is it?
TOMMY: I don't know.
That sure is no pet.
STEVE:
Ted's right.
He's afraid.
He's not the only one.
Do you think maybe, like,
maybe he's from...
Are you from space?
Did you see that? Did you?
I mean, wow! It understood.
Yeah, it did.
It really did.
(INSECTS CHITTERING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
That sure
is a great trick.
Do you have a name?
(SQUEAKS)
Where are you from?
Me, Ted.
Who are you?
Me Ted.
What did he say?
I think he said meathead.
Meathead.
Meathead?
Meathead's what he said.
Meathead.
(SQUEAKS)
Listen, uh, Meathead,
we won't hurt you
or anything.
We're just, well,
you know, curious.
We've never seen a...
A something like you before.
Look, we gotta
go for breakfast.
Do you want us to
bring anything back?
Uh, Big Mac.
How does he know about
Big Macs?
Think he's got a guidebook?
(LAUGHING) Right.
(CHUCKLING)
But he does, seriously.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
FANNY: Okay, ladies...
On the toes.
Come on.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hurry up, we're late.
Just put this.
Hurry. Will you hurry?
Put your head back.
Hi, girls.
What's happening?
My name's Flash.
What's yours?
Don't talk to him,
Cheryl, he's a dork.
I'm not a dork,
I'm Italian.
Other way.
Hey, Flash.
Nah, I'm just lookin'.
Come on, come on,
come over here.
Did you ever
put the gloves on?
Where I come from, fighters
don't have time for
dressin' up.
Besides, I'm just lookin'.
FANNY:
Kick 'em high, ladies.
Up, up, up.
Hey, Boomer. Boomer.
This is Flash.
The kid with
the reputation.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, hey, Flash.
How's it goin'?
Uh, pretty slow.
I can believe it.
(STUTTERS) What is that,
some kind of crack,
uh, Bash?
Flash.
BOOMER: Oh, yeah.
Hey, you know, Mash, you got
a pretty good sense of humor.
You know what I'm gonna do?
(STUTTERS)
I'm gonna knock it
right outta your head.
Wham, bam. Wham.
What do you think of that?
You wanna try?
Sure. I love fightin'.
Put 'em on.
All right.
Kick 'em high, ladies.
Up, up, up.
Raise those thighs.
Well, you take it easy.
Keep your guard up, huh?
Nothin' fancy.
BOOMER: Come on.
Right here.
Right here.
Come on.
You gotta do
better than that, Bash.
FANNY: That's all
for today, ladies.
(GRUNTING)
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
Let's go.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Hey, Trash.
Hey, didn't
anybody ever tell you
boxing and broads don't mix?
That guy really is a dork.
A what?
A dork. You know, dork.
Oh, yeah, sure, a dork.
Hey, like,
you know, you know, you're
a pretty good fighter, Crash.
Thanks.
You're not so bad
yourself, Bloomer.
My name is Boomer.
What are you,
makin' fun of me again?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nancy, will Flash
always be a dork?
(SNICKERS)
You really don't know
what it is, do you?
A dork.
You know, like in,
joystick?
Heater, wang,
pud, equipment?
Uh, pinkie.
Oh, that's what it is.
So you didn't know,
right?
Well, I mean, I knew...
You ever seen one?
Sure. Lots of times.
What, you got a brother
or something?
No.
A boyfriend?
Well, not really.
Well then, who?
"Who" what?
Whose did you see?
Oh.
Look, come with me and
I'll show you a couple
of real doozers.
Oh, my God.
Try not to
have a heart attack.
Ooh, boy, he is
really somethin'.
I've seen
bigger though.
You mean, they come
in different sizes?
TULA: Haven't
you ever seen one?
Hey, guess
who's never seen...
Oh, nice going.
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
What did I say?
What'd I say?
Whoa!
I've never seen
one that big before.
You've never
seen one period.
Have, too. My brother.
Yeah, but he's five.
No, he's six.
You know, Tula didn't
mean anything by that.
It's just that...
Well, you act like you've
been in a convent your
whole life.
Well, I haven't.
It's just that
we don't discuss
those sort of things.
And nobody ever even
talked to you about it?
You mean S-E-X?
Don't tell me, like,
they always spelled
it out?
Always.
Oh, brother.
You don't know anything,
do you?
Come on.
Okay, you guys, listen up.
You know,
like, there was a time,
not so long ago I might add,
when all of us were just
as deprived as Cheryl here.
So I say that
we gotta help her.
I say that
we take a pledge
that before camp ends...
She sees a pinkie!
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right.
Are you sure?
Yes.
What's goin' on in here?
Nothin'.
Is that a fact?
Oh.
Whose is this?
No matter.
It's confiscated.
Just remember, ladies,
that this is a cabin
for proper young women.
There will be
no talk of pinkies.
They're not play things,
you know.
They're weapons.
Dangerous weapons.
Like loaded guns.
They can go off
when you least
expect it.
Do I make
myself clear?
ALL: Yes, Fanny.
Good.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, what a beautiful day.
You really think so, do you?
Boomer. Boomer. Boomer.
Boomer!
Uh, hey, Giddy, that you?
I can't see. I got
a canoe on my head.
I noticed.
Boomer, please, the
lake's the other way.
Oh, thanks, Giddy.
Don't mention it.
(BOOMER GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
Giddy.
(YELLING)
I'm going lose...
Oh, oh!
(BOOMER GRUNTING)
I think I got
a fish in my pants.
Oh, no, wait,
it's just me.
MEATHEAD:
Oh, what's it called?
TOMMY: Kybo. K-Y-B-O.
Keep your bowels open.
They were supposed to
burn them
when they
switched over to
what we have now.
I mean,
no one will come here.
It's totally safe.
Yeah, I can believe it.
So what you think,
Meathead?
Kybo, huh? Okay.
That one.
I like that one.
TOMMY: Quarter-moon.
ALL: Good choice.
Thank you.
Oh, did somebody fart?
Oh.
(SOUNDING OFF)
Move 'em out.
Ten, hut!
Two fingers off the bridge
of the nose, young trooper.
Ten, hut!
Chief Rawhide's
here to see you, sir.
Hmm. Is he wearin'
those damn feathers?
Yes, sir. Accented by
some lovely little beads.
A lisp.
God damn it.
Foxglove, I heard a lisp.
I'll check into it, sir.
I hate feathers.
Bitch.
How?
Who?
Where?
Here.
What?
Rights to lake.
(CHUCKLES)
No acid rain.
Good.
No PCBs.
Great.
Clear like mountain stream.
I love it.
Many fish.
Hmm.
Wind surfing potential.
Ah-ha.
Good deal.
Hmm.
You make fair trade.
I'm a fair guy, Chief.
Honest Injun.
(LAUGHS)
Injun.
LEADER: Attention.
Good morning, Colonel.
You call these
ankle biters campers, Giddy?
My God,
it's worse
than last year!
It's a goddamn
waste of human potential.
Listen to me,
you pipsqueak
pistol packin' package
of paramilitary paranoia...
How do you say that
so fast?
(STUTTERING) I hear
what you're saying,
Colonel.
Well, of course,
you can hear me.
We're only
six inches apart.
No, no, no, no,
I mean, I mean, I...
I respect your space.
I know where
you're comin' from.
Oh, don't give me that
communication bullshit,
Giddy.
I'm here on a mission
and I will not be heard!
I mean,
you will not hear me.
You... Well, I'll tell you
where I'm comin' from, Giddy.
I'm comin' from my lake!
Show him the papers,
Foxglove.
Yes, sir.
It's mine. All mine!
From shore to shore.
Men!
(PALADIN COMMANDING)
You mean,
the Chief sold you...
But I... Wait a minute.
Well, what good is
my camp without
a lake?
Exactly my point, Counselor.
This year's Champ Sunday
is gonna be your last.
Foxglove!
Wait, Colonel, Colonel,
Colonel, Colonel.
Please, please.
Let's...
Could we discuss
this over lunch?
Lunch? You're nuts.
We're gonna pave
this place, Foxglove.
We're gonna wall-to-wall
concrete it.
We're gonna flank it
with howitzers,
and we're gonna
bring a whole goddamn
division of T-47s right here.
Relax. Relax.
I can handle this.
I can.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(DOOR RATTLING)
(COYOTE HOWLING)
I hope he's okay.
It was your big idea.
(GASPS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
It's only me. Sorry.
What are you
doing here?
I came to tell you
I'm okay.
Hey, what's goin' on
out there?
MEATHEAD: Uh-oh,
be cool, guys.
Be cool.
Sorry, Mr. Flash.
Easy, Barry, tell him
you're just scared.
Just...
Scared.
Scared.
Your mothers will be
a whole lot sorrier
if the Flash misses out
on his sleep.
Uh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Hit the sheets.
(BOTH SIGHING)
Meathead, you gotta start
using the door around here.
You okay?
Was that close, guys,
or was that close?
Oh, I've seen closer.
Well, maybe not that close.
(TAMBOURINE RATTLING)
What the goddamn
hell is that,
Foxglove?
(BIRD CAWING)
Sounds like tambourines.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Whoa, Marcel.
(NICKERS)
Whoa, Havoc.
(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)
(GROUP CHANTING)
(GRUNTS)
Colonel, what
a pleasant surprise.
Don't give
me that bleeding
heart routine, Giddy.
I wanna know...
Wanna know what those...
Priests.
Priests.
What are they doing?
Praying.
Praying? What are
they praying for?
Likely a new home.
Home? Home, what home?
God's truth, Giddy.
What have you done?
Like I said, Colonel,
what good's a camp
with no lake?
But a temple.
Huh, temple? No.
No!
Yeah, I'm goin' back
to the urban ghettos.
Poverty, crime, trash,
disease, honest work.
Look, you can't do that.
I've had good years here.
Wonderful kids.
Some success stories.
I wanna give
something back.
These people
need a place to
let their sheets down.
Hey, Giddy, no,
you can't do it.
You can't do it.
You can't!
These people,
I hear
they wipe with
their bare hands.
That's just it.
They don't use water.
Giddy. Hey, Giddy,
look, I'll be the first
to admit I've been rash.
(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)
Oh, now, wait.
Here comes one of them now.
Hi, Your Excellence.
Come in.
Oh, Giddy,
are you outta your mind?
Your Excellence,
please shake hands with
a good friend of mine,
Colonel Hershy.
(CHANTING)
I love you.
Oh, get him...
Get him outta here, Giddy.
Your Excellence,
Your Excellence,
five minutes and then we'll
finish the paperwork. Okay?
(CHANTING)
(SIGHING) Giddy.
Giddy, Giddy, please.
You've got to listen
to me.
Part of me
hears what you say and
then part of me doesn't.
Jackboots
and marching tunes
are a thing of the past.
Bare feet and mantras
are taking over
the country.
(CHANTING)
Oh, no, not you, Giddy.
Now listen.
There's gotta be some way.
There's always
Champ of the Lake.
Champ of the Lake?
What are you
talkin' about?
Make sense, Giddy.
Our last fight, Colonel.
How about
I hold off the sale?
Would you like that?
You're damn right
I'd like that.
You raise the stakes
on Champ of the Lake,
I'll put a hold on their deal.
Raise the stakes?
Sure I'll raise 'em.
Christ, Giddy, you name it.
My camp for your
water rights,
all or nothing.
The whole shootin' match?
Kit and caboodle.
Lock, stock and barrel?
The works.
From here to eternity?
The whole enchilada.
Damn it, I'll take it.
(LAUGHING) I'll take
the whole goddamn thing.
(LAUGHING)
Foxglove!
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
Hook, line and sinker.
(SNICKERING)
All right,
Mr. Dumbjohn.
Yeah?
I know what this is.
What does this mean?
This one's for you, this
one's for the horse you
rode in on.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SNICKERING)
Hey, hands
off that horse.
That's my horse.
Ah-ha, I knew
it would feed an army.
Why, you...
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(GUNSHOTS)
Didn't I tell you campers,
no smokin'?
Didn't I?
Didn't I?
I should hope so.
Filthy habit.
The Colonel's
expecting you.
Despot.
(HUMMING)
You called, sir?
Of course,
I'm called "sir!"
I'm a bloody colonel,
aren't I?
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Paladin,
your mission, should
you choose to accept it,
is to sound off
like you got a pair,
move out
like you had a purpose,
grab your squad,
hit that assault craft,
cross that lake
and neutralize
this idiot
with extreme prejudice.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALBERT SHOUTING)
The ancient Sasquatch Indians
used to boogie to this one
and now so can you!
(ULULATING)
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Are you
gonna be okay here?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Okay.
I wanna dance.
Oh, yeah? With what?
I want somethin' tall,
lean and mean.
There's a horse outside,
why don't you go get it?
I ain't into
that sort of thing.
That's not what I heard.
Have you been
talkin' about
me again?
I don't care.
Those guys are always
talkin' about me. So what?
So what?
You wanna dance?
Shit.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
Cheryl, uh,
I, uh...
Can you talk?
Yes.
Oh, it just seems
like you're not that
heavily into conversation.
Oh, well,
I'm just not used to it.
With boys, I mean.
Well, you can
practice on me.
Okay.
Flash,
people, they talk,
you know, and...
Well, they say
you're sort of mean.
Oh, yeah?
Just tell me
who it is and I'll...
I mean, did they
really say that?
About me?
Nah, I can't
figure that out.
I mean,
how many mean
altar boys have you met?
You're an altar boy?
Are you kiddin'?
Me and the rabbi
are like this.
Rabbi?
Oh, uh, well, see,
that's what I call...
As a matter of fact,
he can't kiss nothin' unless
the Flash checks it out first.
Like the robes and
the cups and the crosses
and shit like that.
Listen, uh, you wanna
get some holy water
or somethin'?
Okay.
All right.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(OWL HOOTING)
(WHISPERING) Yep,
that's him all right.
(STAMMERING) You want me
to drop him?
Get a grip on yourself,
we got orders.
Okay, men,
let's move out.
(EXHALES)
PALADIN: Psst.
PALADIN: Hey, come here.
Hey, who is that?
It's me, Boomer!
Oh.
Hey, I'm Boomer.
(BOOMER GROANING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So will you do it?
I don't know.
I mean, streaking's not
such a big deal anymore.
Believe me,
for some people
it'll be a major deal.
So, uh,
what do I get
for pullin' it off?
Okay. You talked me into it.
Don't forget,
it's Cabin 10.
Come on, Fanny,
I got the perfect place.
You seen Boomer?
(DOOR OPENING)
Hi, Jamie, Fanny.
Have you seen Boomer?
Boomer?
No, he's not here.
No, he's not here.
(MOANING)
Oh, Fanny, I'm sorry.
(JAMIE GROANING)
(METALLIC CLANKING)
Okay, here you go!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(OWL HOOTING)
(CHUCKLING)
Give me the other one.
Okay, okay.
(DOOR CREAKING)
Fanny?
Fanny?
(SCREAMS)
GIRLS: Jamie?
Ta-da!
Oh, shit!
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(BOTH PANTING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BIRD CAWING)
Hey, Meat,
what you doin'?
What's happenin'?
Lookin' for somethin' to do.
Why the raincoat?
Oh, it's gonna rain.
TOMMY: Good, Meat,
be prepared.
LARRY:
Hey, look!
BARRY: Hey,
he's doin' it again.
Hey, Meathead, come on.
You gotta act sorta
normal around here.
You can't walk through stuff
or people are gonna know
you're, uh, different.
Yeah, you're right.
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna practice
walkin' around stuff.
So long, Meat.
See you later.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder when I'm gonna
get to play basketball.
Or use a bow and arrow.
Somethin'. Anything.
Hey guys.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Here.
(COUGHS)
Flash,
why are you a dork?
(COUGHING)
Are you for real?
Yes. Are you for real?
No, no. I meant...
Forget it.
Flash, don't be afraid.
Me afraid?
Hey, I'm heavily into rockets
and saucers,
and well, creatures.
You guys
know about this?
I mean, him?
Wait a second.
How long has he been here?
A few weeks.
And I didn't notice?
Uh, I guess I wouldn't have.
Nobody else has either.
I don't know.
He's no trouble.
We promise
we won't let him bug you.
Flash, call me Meathead.
Okay, Meathead.
I'll take a shot.
Uh, you know, you're
not such a dork, Flash.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, Boomer, what gives?
He's goin' bozo, Crash.
I told him
I still got a right.
You gotta stop him, Crash.
They're gonna hurt him
worser than me.
You don't mean he's gonna...
Yeah. You gotta
tell him, Flash.
See, I don't need
no knuckles to fight.
I don't need no hands
or feet either.
You know why?
Because I'm gonna beat him
with my brains. That's right.
I got more brains
in my little finger
than I do in my whole head.
Take it easy, will you?
I gotta think.
Yeah, you're
lucky that way.
(EXHALING)
Look, I wanna fight.
(PANTING) What?
Champ of the Lake.
I'll take it.
Thanks, Flash,
but it's my fight now.
I'm your fighter.
I thought the Flash
don't do volunteer work.
Yeah. Well, that's a fact,
but sometimes
a situation comes up
that calls for a little
of the Flash's specialty.
Hey, I'm talkin' to you.
(PANTING) You?
Yeah, me.
Champ of the Lake?
Yeah.
I think I like it.
All right!
(GRUNTS)
All right!
(SIGHS)
All right, Giddy!
Way to go!
(GROANS)
(BIRDS CAWING)
(HERSHY LAUGHING)
Here you go, boy.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Ooh, yeah, Mad Dog. Ah!
Ooh, Mad Dog, Mad Dog.
(LAUGHING)
Bad Mad Dog.
Get outta here.
I wonder what Giddy's
got up his sleeve.
We need information,
Paladin.
Sir?
I want a prisoner.
Yes, sir!
Not one of ours,
you tank tread!
One of theirs!
A goddamn
red-blooded Sasquatch!
Yes, sir!
(SIGHS)
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
Hey, Flash.
What do you want?
Listen, I feel sorta
funny about doin' this.
(MAN CHATTERING ON SCREEN)
Doin' what?
Cheryl would kill me.
What for?
But I'm doin' it for her.
Of course you are.
What are you doin'?
Well, she wondered
if you'd...
Oh, I shouldn't.
Yeah, she wondered what?
If you'd go
skinny-dipping tonight.
Me?
I knew I shouldn't.
Me and her?
Yeah. Alone.
Tonight?
Down by the cove?
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON SCREEN)
Okay.
Tell her I'll meet her there.
Tonight?
The shooting stars.
He wants you
to watch with him.
The stars?
You know,
like the Big Dipper
and stuff like that?
The Big Dipper?
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)
(SIGHS)
Now remember, men,
this is not
an ordinary mission,
this is the mission!
You all got
your cyanide capsules?
ALL: Mmm-hmm.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
All right. Now you
people are the finest
counterinsurgency team
I've ever trained
here at Patton.
I don't want you
screwin' it up!
You read me?
Yes, sir!
Move 'em out!
I want you to go through
those Sasquatch creeps
like crap through a goose!
By God, you pull this off
and there'll
be ice cream for
dessert tomorrow!
(CHUCKLING)
(NANCY SHUSHING)
(GIRLS MUTTERING)
A great night
for shooting stars.
Yeah, and, uh,
shooting moons?
Well, where do you
ever see a shooting moon?
Mostly out
of car windows.
(EXCLAIMING)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
We got the best view.
Hey, you guys,
here comes Cheryl.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm glad you came.
Well, I didn't wanna
miss it.
Yeah, me neither.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLING)
What's happening down there?
Shh, you want
them to hear us?
No.
Look at there!
Lookie, quick.
Look, look.
It's all new to me,
you know?
Yeah, I kinda guessed that.
(SIGHS)
(OWL HOOTING)
Do you mind explaining
as we go?
Sure. No problem.
Oh, good.
This is called first base.
(GRUNTS)
Where? I don't see it.
Sorry.
Look,
I thought I was gonna see
the Big Dipper.
Yeah, we'll get to that.
Well, where is it?
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God.
(COYOTE HOWLING)
Okay, this is it.
It's a nice spot.
Really secluded.
Are you sure it's safe?
(SCOFFS)
Does a bear
shit in the woods?
(BIRDS CAWING)
So you ready?
For what?
To go in the water.
The water?
Can you see better
from the water?
Absolutely.
Oh, please.
You go over there
and I'll go over here
and I'll meet you
in the water.
Okay.
I trust you, Flash.
(WHISPERING)
Water?
(SNICKERING)
Shh!
(GROANS)
What is this?
Oh, what is that?
It's my compass.
It always points north.
Boy, what a show.
What's he doin'?
He just dropped his drawers.
(SIGHS)
Did you hear somethin'?
(FANNY GASPS)
How can you see better
from the water?
(SNIFFING)
Flash?
(WHISPERING)
Stop pushing me.
You stop shovin' me
and I'll stop pushin' you.
(MOANING)
Oh, Fanny.
It feels like a rock!
Oh, it is a rock.
(BOTH MOANING)
Flash, is that you?
What the...
Flash?
(BEAR GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
There's a bear!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(SQUEALING)
(BEAR GRUNTING)
Uh, maybe we should
find a new place.
(FROGS CROAKING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
Hi.
Hi.
Have you seen Flash anywhere?
No, not since last night.
MAN: Where is he?
(ALL BOOING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
He's ready, Paladin.
(MAD DOG GRUNTING)
He's ready,
aren't you, big fella?
(GROWLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
(GROWLING)
(BOOING)
Where is he?
He's ready.
Where is he?
Paladin, where is he?
Hey, Giddy! Come here.
(HERSHY AND PALADIN LAUGHING)
HERSHY:
Come here.
I want you
to meet Mad Dog.
(GROWLING)
All right, heel, back!
(LAUGHING)
Where's your boy?
He'll be along anytime now.
Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
I'm sure.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BOY WHISTLING)
That is my dress.
(GROWLING)
Easy. Easy.
(CROWD MUTTERING)
Flash look pretty.
Put 'em on.
(ALL CHEERING)
(BOY WHISTLING)
Where have you been?
Some kind of private party?
Who am I fightin'?
It.
You're dead.
Yeah.
You're dead.
Why is he wearing that?
I don't know.
WOMAN: You're lookin' good,
Flash.
(GRUNTING)
All right, listen up!
Now, this is gonna be
a fair fight.
Throw any weird punches
and I'm gonna be forced
to get physical with you.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
ALBERT:
Any questions?
All right, shake hands.
(GROWLING)
(ALL CHANTING)
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(GRUNTING)
(DINGS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get mad, Mad Dog!
Come on, kill, kill, kill!
(PEOPLE BOOING)
(BARKING)
Kill him.
WOMAN:
Stop him! Stop him!
MAN:
Get him, Mad Dog!
(CAMP SASQUATCH CHILDREN
CHEERING)
What are you doin'?
Disgusting!
Flash!
Get off of me, you fruit,
and fight like a man!
Foul! Make war, not love!
(CROWD BOOING)
(GIRLS SCREECHING)
(MAD DOG GRUNTING)
Flash, look out!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
You all right?
Look, stay away from him.
I'm stayin'.
Keep movin'.
I'm movin'.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
Come back in here!
You can't get away with it.
Come on, get back in here!
Come on, get in here!
I'm gonna kill you! Come on!
Yeah, little fruit,
get on back in there!
Take your medicine!
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
ALBERT: One, two,
three, four, five...
(DINGS)
(CAMP PATTON MEN CHEERING)
(ALL BARKING)
Okay, Mad Dog, I want
you to stop fartin' around.
I want you to put him away,
you hear me?
Get mad.
Get mad, Mad Dog.
(GRUNTING)
Yeah.
That's a good boy.
Where am I?
Hey, come on, Mash.
Hey, Bloomer!
Uh, Fanny,
I know a place.
Please, I got it all
figured out.
Whatever you have got
figured out
does not include me!
Fanny, please, I love them.
Them?
Uh, I mean, you.
(CROWD WHISTLING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(GROWLING)
(DINGS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Jab, jab, jab!
BOY: Keep runnin'.
That's it,
move, move, move!
In the la bonzai!
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Do you think he'll get up?
ALBERT: One,
two, three, four...
Come on, Cash, kid,
get up!
Yeah. Come on, Flash!
Wow!
Wha...
MAN: What kind
of bull is this?
GIRL: Come on, Flash!
Attaboy, Flash!
(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)
Come on, Mad Dog!
Sic him!
(MAN LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
God, he really is a fairy.
What's goin' on?
You didn't tell us
he could fly.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Flash, come on!
Come on!
Come on! Get down.
All right!
Hey, Giddy, how come
you never taught me that?
Come on, big boy.
What you gonna do now, huh?
Come on, come on.
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, get down from there!
Hey, Ref!
Get outta here!
Get down!
That's against the rules!
Don't you dare
tear that dress, buddy!
Come down from there!
FLASH: Hi, Cheryl,
what's happenin'?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ref, get him down!
Get him down!
It's illegal! No flying!
It's against the rules
of war. No flying!
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Get him down!
Foul! Foul!
Get him down!
Get him down!
You can do it!
Aliens.
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
ALBERT: One,
two, three, four...
(QUIVERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRENADE EXPLODING)
Oh, Flash, Flash,
come up!
GIRL: Hey!
Hey, Ref!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
(WHOOPING)
CROWD: One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.
(CHILDREN WHISTLING)
(WHOOPS)
Ha, ha!
I knew it!
I knew it!
(BELL RINGING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Now that is what
you call a pinkie!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
GIRL: It's all right, Flash.
No wonder
they call him Flash.
(HERSHY GROANING)
Giddy, be reasonable.
What good is a camp
without a lake?
Colonel, I'm sensitive
to your needs, but
a deal's a deal.
Oh, deal!
Hold it, hold it!
I hear where you're
coming from, Giddy,
but I've ordered
a submarine for
next year.
Colonel,
you really have to
refocus your energies.
Now, look, this winter
I'm offering a workshop.
New directions
in lifestyle orientations.
You can't do this to me!
Giddy!
I'm warning you,
I'll be back!
Next summer, Giddy,
I'm gonna be back!
(HERSHY SCREAMING)
And I'll be back, Giddy!
So you like your present,
Meathead?
Oh, yes, Steve,
it's really great.
DAD: Hello?
Anybody home?
Hey, Meathead,
they're here.
Well, goodbye, guys.
Nice knowin' you,
Meathead.
BOTH: Goodbye, Meathead.
ALL: Goodbye, Meathead.
TOMMY: Come on, Meathead.
STEVE: Meathead!
TED: Meathead!
Oh, I know.
Hmm.
Well, so we say at home,
goot-a-bye, mulas.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Well, Mr. I-don't-want-to-
go-to-summer-camp,
did you have
a good time?
Oh, it was really great, Dad.
Did you have
a good trip?
Um, the usual.
Comets, meteorites,
space junk.
Boy, it's a mess
out there.
Sorry, Dad.
Where's Mom?
She makin' a big fuss
over you.
She make your favorite.
Hot ginipganabs.
Bye, Meathead!
ALL: Bye, Meathead!
So long.
(BUS HONKING)
I was lookin' for you
after the fight.
Yeah, well,
I was kind of embarrassed.
You've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Come here.
I wanna give you something.
What?
Will you visit me?
Sure.
But what can we
do at your house?
There's a pool out back.
It's a good place
to see the Big Dipper.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah.
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE SUMMER PLAYING)
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waiting for the summer
to sing this song
About the swimmin'
and the women
GIDDY: Boomer!
Boomer, the camp is this way.
Boomer!
From the crammin' and
examin' got to take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now
the waiting's done
DAD:
Well, on your shirt, uh,
what means this meathead?
MEATHEAD:
Uh, beats me, Dad.
Uh-huh.
So, Meathead, you and
Mama wants to stop off
to the Crab Nebula
for some seafood?
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waiting for the summer
to sing this song
About the
swimmin' and the women
and funnin' and the songin'
In the sun
We've been waiting for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin' and
examin' got to take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now the waiting's done
We're gonna sleep late
and we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher,
gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waiting for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher,
gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here
FOR THE SUMMER PLAYING)
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waitin' for the summer
to sing this song
About the
swimmin' and the women
and funnin' and the songin'
In the sun
We've been waitin' for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin'
and examin' got to
take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now the waiting's done
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
(ALL CHATTERING)
Gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Come on, campers,
listen up.
I know a bunch
of terrific songs
we can all sing together.
You know, to really get in
the spirit of four weeks
of fabulous fun!
What do you say?
(ALL CLAMORING)
Okay, okay, I hear you.
Come on, let's go.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Real mature.
Knock it off
or I'll kill us all!
(ALL SHOUTING)
We've been waitin' for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin'
and examin' got to
take a rest
We've been
patient for the summer
and now the waiting's done
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher
Gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Let's go, punk,
you're holdin' up the bus.
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON
POLICE RADIO)
I ain't never held up
a bus in my life.
But it sounds
like a good idea.
No wonder the judge said
either this or reform school.
It's always nice
to have a choice.
Hi there, Officer.
Boy, oh, boy,
what a great day it is.
This here
is one of yours.
Yeah, boarding pass,
right.
Uh, um, okay.
Well, there you go.
Thanks. Hop on board.
You won't regret it.
It's really, really
gonna be a great summer.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Wow, are you an athlete
or something?
You from outer space,
or what?
Well, sort of.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
EDDIE: Hey, Flash.
Flash the Bash, over here.
Hey, how you doin', man?
You still bustin' heads?
It's me. Eddie.
You're sittin'
in my seat, jack.
Get outta here.
Yeah, get outta here.
(CHUCKLING) Hey.
Flash, how are you?
Eddie, what's goin' on?
Hey, I ain't seen you
since we whipped them
mooks on the eastside.
Remember that?
What you been doin'?
Time.
Yeah, well,
I sorta heard talk.
Hey, don't tell me
you're goin' to camp?
Yeah. They made me a CI or somethin', I don't know.
You wanna make
somethin' of it?
No. No, man.
Flash the Bash
is gonna be a CIT?
Hey, that's great.
Oh, shit.
So what's it mean, anyway?
What?
CIT. What is it?
Oh, CIT?
It's a counselor
in training.
I'm one, too.
Well, you look after
the little guys.
You know,
big brother
sort of stuff.
It's a piece of cake.
Forget it.
Yeah, forget it.
Oh, we've been waitin'
for the summer all year long
Waitin' for the summer
to sing this song
So give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the
superfine summer is here
Hey, check out that dude.
(HONKING)
Albert, slow down.
Smell the pine.
That's no pine,
that's wheelchair exhaust.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Well, let him go.
I can take him.
He's handicapped.
The hell he is!
He's probably got
a 350 fuel-injected turbo
in there and the whole works!
Albert!
I can take him!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Albert, when you were born,
were your parents expecting
children?
Shut up!
(DUCKS QUACKING)
Okay, let's go.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(TIRES SKIDDING)
Hi, you must be...
How many campers
in wheelchairs you got?
Oh, I thought this was
one of those new Hondas.
Not unfunny. Tommy McVee.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Giddy.
Oh, yeah? Where's Happy,
Sneezy and Grumpy?
Not unfunny.
You know where you're goin'?
Yeah. Check out the chicks.
Catch you later, Bashful.
Fanny. Fanny,
I know a place
where the four of us can
go and the perfect place.
I mean,
the two of us.
(MIMICKING KISSING SOUNDS)
All right,
jerk off, Albert.
(FANNY BLOWING WHISTLE)
Come on, everybody, let's go.
Form up at your
cabin assignments.
Move it. Move it.
Oh, and you boys,
keep your pinkies the
hell away from my ladies.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Come on, girls, this way.
Come on, "pinkies?"
God, do you believe her?
This is the exact same camp
that was in that movie,
Friday the 13th.
The one
where all those
kids got murdered?
Dead for no reason.
Aw, relax, everybody's
nervous the first day.
Look at this shit.
Okay, here's
eight stamped postcards.
I want you to
send me one a week,
so I know you're okay.
Ma, you're trying to
live my whole life for me.
How can you say that?
These cards are
already written.
No talking after
lights out, Barry.
I'm Larry, Dad,
he's Barry.
Oh, sorry, Son.
And be sure
to eat everything
on your plate, Larry.
I'm Barry, Mom.
He's Larry.
Oh, sorry, Son.
Remember to be
a good sport, Barry.
I'm Larry, Dad.
I'm not your father, Barry,
I'm your mother.
I'm not Barry.
I'm Barry, Mom.
I'm not your mother, Larry,
I'm your father.
BARRY: I'm not Larry.
He's not your father.
I'm gonna miss you, Damian.
I'll miss you more, Susie.
Can I have somethin' to
remember you by?
And I don't want you
smoking pot.
Ma, I might
just experiment.
Well, don't pay for it.
Hey, are those alive?
No, they're stuffed.
You mean like cashews,
bread crumbs, raisins?
How much you want for one?
Hey, they're pets.
Psst.
You need a fix?
What have you got?
STEVE:
What's your thing, man?
And remember, boys
only want one thing.
What's wrong with that?
They never want it
when you want it.
Camp, go.
Four-wheel drive, man.
Four-wheel drive,
you numbskull.
(HERSHY CHATTERING)
Looking good,
young trooper.
Cease, ho.
That's it.
Double time,
young troopers.
Get to those or die.
Pick up that
fork-nosed rifle.
(BOYS SHOUTING)
Come on, lunge,
twist and hold.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
Hee-yah.
Hee-yah.
Rip 'em from across
the craw, boy. That's it.
All right,
move 'em out, trooper.
(KIDS GRUNTING)
Fine bunch of campers
this year, Foxglove.
Mmm-hmm. Hmm.
I tell you,
they're naturals.
You'd put
a pig sticker on
the end of a rifle
and a boy knows
just what to do
with it.
(YELLING)
(KIDS YELLING)
Hmm, God,
I love it so.
Hmm.
Let's go.
(KIDS SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Young whippersnapper.
(SNICKERS)
(CHILDREN GRUNTING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Get outta here.
This place sucks.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Sally Friedman?
Here.
Tula Washington?
TULA: You're lookin' at her.
FANNY: Nancy Lamon.
Okay now, Cabin six.
Which one of you boys
is Armand Carducci?
All right,
I'll repeat myself.
Who's Armand Carducci?
The name is Flash and
it's the only one
I answer to.
Okay, Flash.
Now, I'm Giddy.
Uh, Coach Giddy.
I'm the head
counselor here.
Damn. I'm in charge here.
I got the picture.
Good. Now,
we're not comfortable
with trouble at Sasquatch.
So don't give me any.
I hear
what you're sayin'.
Now I know
your reputation, Flash.
There's only one thing
I like about it.
Yeah? What's that?
How open are you
to the concept
of pugilism?
What kind
of weird shit
goes on around here?
I'm talking
about boxin'.
The sport,
fighting with rules.
I don't do rules.
I hear you're pretty
good with your hands.
Yeah? So what if I am?
Well, we got a tradition
around here.
It's called
Champ of the Lake.
It's us against Camp Patton.
Camp Patton. That's the camp
across the lake, the other
side there?
Sort of like a summer
Golden Gloves.
Now we got a fighter,
it's Boomer. He's great.
But he needs
a little help, Flash.
He needs a sparring partner.
A real two-fisted talent,
somebody like you.
What do you say?
Listen, Mr. Coach, I'm not
what you call a team player.
What if I said I'm tellin',
not askin'?
Are you?
No.
So then, why don't you
back off my case, huh?
I don't do
volunteer work.
You wanna give me
Cabin six? I'll take it.
The judge says
that's my sentence.
That's the total picture,
all right?
You know, if you
change your mind...
Forget it.
BUTTERBALL: Trade you
my goalie stick for
a Clark bar.
Hey, cool it, Butterball.
I don't do exclusives.
I gotta build up
a clientele.
That watch quartz?
Yeah, but my dad
gave it to me.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
BOY 1: You always
get the bed by
the window.
BOY 2:
But I'm the oldest.
LARRY: That's mine.
It's mine.
Who does Mom love best?
Me.
So you wanna
take the shirt, too?
All right, you turkeys.
Shut up!
STEVE: Oh, my gosh.
The name's Flash.
Mr. Flash.
And I only got one rule.
Don't bug me!
You got that,
you little twerps?
If you got a problem, tough,
don't bring it to me.
I don't do problems.
Mr. Flash, can we...
Hey, one more thing
you should know.
I don't do questions,
either.
(DUCKS QUACKING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
See that, Foxglove?
Morons, wimps and losers.
Same as last year, sir.
This summer
we're gonna crush 'em.
That's the spirit, sir.
Is that a lisp?
Did I hear a lisp, Foxglove?
A lisp, sir?
Goddamn homo talk.
Impossible, Colonel,
we're alone.
Cover my back.
Yes, sir.
(BIRD SQUAWKING)
I was seein'
this guy, real cute,
but they hated his guts.
And they were
drivin' me crazy.
Well, I was drivin'
them crazy.
So they decided the
best thing for me
was camp.
You know
what I mean?
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
NANCY: This one
I just couldn't resist.
What do you think?
They're really nice.
(SIGHING)
I couldn't
make up my mind.
Hey, you, uh,
wanna borrow one?
Gee, do you think
that'd be okay?
Oh, sure, I got tons.
What about shorts?
You got shorts?
Well, not exactly.
Here, try these.
Oh, and this goes
really cute with that.
Oh, Nancy, I couldn't.
Listen, we're sisters, right?
It's us against the pinkies.
Go on.
Okay, thanks.
(FROGS CROAKING)
But you...
You like me or not?
Yes, I like you.
But I think
we should set
a good example.
Oh, well, look,
nobody knows we're here.
This is a great place.
Not like that spot
last summer?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
All those kids,
all those flash bulbs?
No, no, no, no, no.
Or that time
down at the lake?
Oh, Fanny, look,
snakes only come out
like that once a year.
Are you sure we're alone?
Sure, look around.
You know, it's just getting
so foggy that I think
we should go back to camp.
JAMIE:
What do you mean,
it's not that foggy.
FANNY:
Oh, we'll do it
some other night.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(STUTTERS) Mom,
it's really creepy here.
I wanna go home.
But you'll like this camp.
Sonny, you'll see.
But it's not even
in our solar system.
Hey, don't you want to
earn your Earth Merit Badge?
Yes, Dad.
Then what's to talk?
Now, Sonny,
it looks like rain,
so be sure to wear
your little raincoat, dear.
But I don't want
to wear Earth clothes.
That's nonsense, Son.
You're going to be
just fine. You'll see.
Listen to this.
Who spent 325 jamochas
on English lessons
for you?
You, Dad.
So, kiss your mother
goodbye.
Goodbye, dear.
DAD:
And be careful
from the poison ivy.
Okay.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(BOYS SHOUTING)
(SCATTING)
GIDDY:
Good morning, Rene.
Ah, big day
ahead of us, huh?
You under control
in here?
But of course.
Uh-huh.
(SLURPS)
Some little adjustments
maybe, eh?
(SNICKERS)
Listen to me,
you crazy frog.
I want food we can eat.
Burgers, doggies,
home fries,
eggs over easy.
I'll go
as far as French toast,
but nothing, nothing fancy.
You know where
I'm comin' from?
Oui, monsieur.
I don't.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
STEVE: Come on, will you?
Open up.
Come on, open up!
I'm going first.
You always go first.
Who was born first?
Me.
So gimme a break,
will you?
BOTH: I gotta go!
Both of you?
At the same time?
That's sick.
What's the problem?
I think
somebody died in there.
TOMMY:
Here, take this.
Let her rip.
(REVVING)
(CREAKING)
(STUTTERING)
What is it?
TOMMY: I don't know.
That sure is no pet.
STEVE:
Ted's right.
He's afraid.
He's not the only one.
Do you think maybe, like,
maybe he's from...
Are you from space?
Did you see that? Did you?
I mean, wow! It understood.
Yeah, it did.
It really did.
(INSECTS CHITTERING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
That sure
is a great trick.
Do you have a name?
(SQUEAKS)
Where are you from?
Me, Ted.
Who are you?
Me Ted.
What did he say?
I think he said meathead.
Meathead.
Meathead?
Meathead's what he said.
Meathead.
(SQUEAKS)
Listen, uh, Meathead,
we won't hurt you
or anything.
We're just, well,
you know, curious.
We've never seen a...
A something like you before.
Look, we gotta
go for breakfast.
Do you want us to
bring anything back?
Uh, Big Mac.
How does he know about
Big Macs?
Think he's got a guidebook?
(LAUGHING) Right.
(CHUCKLING)
But he does, seriously.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
FANNY: Okay, ladies...
On the toes.
Come on.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hurry up, we're late.
Just put this.
Hurry. Will you hurry?
Put your head back.
Hi, girls.
What's happening?
My name's Flash.
What's yours?
Don't talk to him,
Cheryl, he's a dork.
I'm not a dork,
I'm Italian.
Other way.
Hey, Flash.
Nah, I'm just lookin'.
Come on, come on,
come over here.
Did you ever
put the gloves on?
Where I come from, fighters
don't have time for
dressin' up.
Besides, I'm just lookin'.
FANNY:
Kick 'em high, ladies.
Up, up, up.
Hey, Boomer. Boomer.
This is Flash.
The kid with
the reputation.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, hey, Flash.
How's it goin'?
Uh, pretty slow.
I can believe it.
(STUTTERS) What is that,
some kind of crack,
uh, Bash?
Flash.
BOOMER: Oh, yeah.
Hey, you know, Mash, you got
a pretty good sense of humor.
You know what I'm gonna do?
(STUTTERS)
I'm gonna knock it
right outta your head.
Wham, bam. Wham.
What do you think of that?
You wanna try?
Sure. I love fightin'.
Put 'em on.
All right.
Kick 'em high, ladies.
Up, up, up.
Raise those thighs.
Well, you take it easy.
Keep your guard up, huh?
Nothin' fancy.
BOOMER: Come on.
Right here.
Right here.
Come on.
You gotta do
better than that, Bash.
FANNY: That's all
for today, ladies.
(GRUNTING)
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
Let's go.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Hey, Trash.
Hey, didn't
anybody ever tell you
boxing and broads don't mix?
That guy really is a dork.
A what?
A dork. You know, dork.
Oh, yeah, sure, a dork.
Hey, like,
you know, you know, you're
a pretty good fighter, Crash.
Thanks.
You're not so bad
yourself, Bloomer.
My name is Boomer.
What are you,
makin' fun of me again?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nancy, will Flash
always be a dork?
(SNICKERS)
You really don't know
what it is, do you?
A dork.
You know, like in,
joystick?
Heater, wang,
pud, equipment?
Uh, pinkie.
Oh, that's what it is.
So you didn't know,
right?
Well, I mean, I knew...
You ever seen one?
Sure. Lots of times.
What, you got a brother
or something?
No.
A boyfriend?
Well, not really.
Well then, who?
"Who" what?
Whose did you see?
Oh.
Look, come with me and
I'll show you a couple
of real doozers.
Oh, my God.
Try not to
have a heart attack.
Ooh, boy, he is
really somethin'.
I've seen
bigger though.
You mean, they come
in different sizes?
TULA: Haven't
you ever seen one?
Hey, guess
who's never seen...
Oh, nice going.
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
What did I say?
What'd I say?
Whoa!
I've never seen
one that big before.
You've never
seen one period.
Have, too. My brother.
Yeah, but he's five.
No, he's six.
You know, Tula didn't
mean anything by that.
It's just that...
Well, you act like you've
been in a convent your
whole life.
Well, I haven't.
It's just that
we don't discuss
those sort of things.
And nobody ever even
talked to you about it?
You mean S-E-X?
Don't tell me, like,
they always spelled
it out?
Always.
Oh, brother.
You don't know anything,
do you?
Come on.
Okay, you guys, listen up.
You know,
like, there was a time,
not so long ago I might add,
when all of us were just
as deprived as Cheryl here.
So I say that
we gotta help her.
I say that
we take a pledge
that before camp ends...
She sees a pinkie!
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right.
Are you sure?
Yes.
What's goin' on in here?
Nothin'.
Is that a fact?
Oh.
Whose is this?
No matter.
It's confiscated.
Just remember, ladies,
that this is a cabin
for proper young women.
There will be
no talk of pinkies.
They're not play things,
you know.
They're weapons.
Dangerous weapons.
Like loaded guns.
They can go off
when you least
expect it.
Do I make
myself clear?
ALL: Yes, Fanny.
Good.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, what a beautiful day.
You really think so, do you?
Boomer. Boomer. Boomer.
Boomer!
Uh, hey, Giddy, that you?
I can't see. I got
a canoe on my head.
I noticed.
Boomer, please, the
lake's the other way.
Oh, thanks, Giddy.
Don't mention it.
(BOOMER GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
Giddy.
(YELLING)
I'm going lose...
Oh, oh!
(BOOMER GRUNTING)
I think I got
a fish in my pants.
Oh, no, wait,
it's just me.
MEATHEAD:
Oh, what's it called?
TOMMY: Kybo. K-Y-B-O.
Keep your bowels open.
They were supposed to
burn them
when they
switched over to
what we have now.
I mean,
no one will come here.
It's totally safe.
Yeah, I can believe it.
So what you think,
Meathead?
Kybo, huh? Okay.
That one.
I like that one.
TOMMY: Quarter-moon.
ALL: Good choice.
Thank you.
Oh, did somebody fart?
Oh.
(SOUNDING OFF)
Move 'em out.
Ten, hut!
Two fingers off the bridge
of the nose, young trooper.
Ten, hut!
Chief Rawhide's
here to see you, sir.
Hmm. Is he wearin'
those damn feathers?
Yes, sir. Accented by
some lovely little beads.
A lisp.
God damn it.
Foxglove, I heard a lisp.
I'll check into it, sir.
I hate feathers.
Bitch.
How?
Who?
Where?
Here.
What?
Rights to lake.
(CHUCKLES)
No acid rain.
Good.
No PCBs.
Great.
Clear like mountain stream.
I love it.
Many fish.
Hmm.
Wind surfing potential.
Ah-ha.
Good deal.
Hmm.
You make fair trade.
I'm a fair guy, Chief.
Honest Injun.
(LAUGHS)
Injun.
LEADER: Attention.
Good morning, Colonel.
You call these
ankle biters campers, Giddy?
My God,
it's worse
than last year!
It's a goddamn
waste of human potential.
Listen to me,
you pipsqueak
pistol packin' package
of paramilitary paranoia...
How do you say that
so fast?
(STUTTERING) I hear
what you're saying,
Colonel.
Well, of course,
you can hear me.
We're only
six inches apart.
No, no, no, no,
I mean, I mean, I...
I respect your space.
I know where
you're comin' from.
Oh, don't give me that
communication bullshit,
Giddy.
I'm here on a mission
and I will not be heard!
I mean,
you will not hear me.
You... Well, I'll tell you
where I'm comin' from, Giddy.
I'm comin' from my lake!
Show him the papers,
Foxglove.
Yes, sir.
It's mine. All mine!
From shore to shore.
Men!
(PALADIN COMMANDING)
You mean,
the Chief sold you...
But I... Wait a minute.
Well, what good is
my camp without
a lake?
Exactly my point, Counselor.
This year's Champ Sunday
is gonna be your last.
Foxglove!
Wait, Colonel, Colonel,
Colonel, Colonel.
Please, please.
Let's...
Could we discuss
this over lunch?
Lunch? You're nuts.
We're gonna pave
this place, Foxglove.
We're gonna wall-to-wall
concrete it.
We're gonna flank it
with howitzers,
and we're gonna
bring a whole goddamn
division of T-47s right here.
Relax. Relax.
I can handle this.
I can.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(DOOR RATTLING)
(COYOTE HOWLING)
I hope he's okay.
It was your big idea.
(GASPS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
It's only me. Sorry.
What are you
doing here?
I came to tell you
I'm okay.
Hey, what's goin' on
out there?
MEATHEAD: Uh-oh,
be cool, guys.
Be cool.
Sorry, Mr. Flash.
Easy, Barry, tell him
you're just scared.
Just...
Scared.
Scared.
Your mothers will be
a whole lot sorrier
if the Flash misses out
on his sleep.
Uh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Hit the sheets.
(BOTH SIGHING)
Meathead, you gotta start
using the door around here.
You okay?
Was that close, guys,
or was that close?
Oh, I've seen closer.
Well, maybe not that close.
(TAMBOURINE RATTLING)
What the goddamn
hell is that,
Foxglove?
(BIRD CAWING)
Sounds like tambourines.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Whoa, Marcel.
(NICKERS)
Whoa, Havoc.
(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)
(GROUP CHANTING)
(GRUNTS)
Colonel, what
a pleasant surprise.
Don't give
me that bleeding
heart routine, Giddy.
I wanna know...
Wanna know what those...
Priests.
Priests.
What are they doing?
Praying.
Praying? What are
they praying for?
Likely a new home.
Home? Home, what home?
God's truth, Giddy.
What have you done?
Like I said, Colonel,
what good's a camp
with no lake?
But a temple.
Huh, temple? No.
No!
Yeah, I'm goin' back
to the urban ghettos.
Poverty, crime, trash,
disease, honest work.
Look, you can't do that.
I've had good years here.
Wonderful kids.
Some success stories.
I wanna give
something back.
These people
need a place to
let their sheets down.
Hey, Giddy, no,
you can't do it.
You can't do it.
You can't!
These people,
I hear
they wipe with
their bare hands.
That's just it.
They don't use water.
Giddy. Hey, Giddy,
look, I'll be the first
to admit I've been rash.
(TAMBOURINE PLAYING)
Oh, now, wait.
Here comes one of them now.
Hi, Your Excellence.
Come in.
Oh, Giddy,
are you outta your mind?
Your Excellence,
please shake hands with
a good friend of mine,
Colonel Hershy.
(CHANTING)
I love you.
Oh, get him...
Get him outta here, Giddy.
Your Excellence,
Your Excellence,
five minutes and then we'll
finish the paperwork. Okay?
(CHANTING)
(SIGHING) Giddy.
Giddy, Giddy, please.
You've got to listen
to me.
Part of me
hears what you say and
then part of me doesn't.
Jackboots
and marching tunes
are a thing of the past.
Bare feet and mantras
are taking over
the country.
(CHANTING)
Oh, no, not you, Giddy.
Now listen.
There's gotta be some way.
There's always
Champ of the Lake.
Champ of the Lake?
What are you
talkin' about?
Make sense, Giddy.
Our last fight, Colonel.
How about
I hold off the sale?
Would you like that?
You're damn right
I'd like that.
You raise the stakes
on Champ of the Lake,
I'll put a hold on their deal.
Raise the stakes?
Sure I'll raise 'em.
Christ, Giddy, you name it.
My camp for your
water rights,
all or nothing.
The whole shootin' match?
Kit and caboodle.
Lock, stock and barrel?
The works.
From here to eternity?
The whole enchilada.
Damn it, I'll take it.
(LAUGHING) I'll take
the whole goddamn thing.
(LAUGHING)
Foxglove!
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
Hook, line and sinker.
(SNICKERING)
All right,
Mr. Dumbjohn.
Yeah?
I know what this is.
What does this mean?
This one's for you, this
one's for the horse you
rode in on.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SNICKERING)
Hey, hands
off that horse.
That's my horse.
Ah-ha, I knew
it would feed an army.
Why, you...
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(GUNSHOTS)
Didn't I tell you campers,
no smokin'?
Didn't I?
Didn't I?
I should hope so.
Filthy habit.
The Colonel's
expecting you.
Despot.
(HUMMING)
You called, sir?
Of course,
I'm called "sir!"
I'm a bloody colonel,
aren't I?
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Paladin,
your mission, should
you choose to accept it,
is to sound off
like you got a pair,
move out
like you had a purpose,
grab your squad,
hit that assault craft,
cross that lake
and neutralize
this idiot
with extreme prejudice.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALBERT SHOUTING)
The ancient Sasquatch Indians
used to boogie to this one
and now so can you!
(ULULATING)
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Are you
gonna be okay here?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Okay.
I wanna dance.
Oh, yeah? With what?
I want somethin' tall,
lean and mean.
There's a horse outside,
why don't you go get it?
I ain't into
that sort of thing.
That's not what I heard.
Have you been
talkin' about
me again?
I don't care.
Those guys are always
talkin' about me. So what?
So what?
You wanna dance?
Shit.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
Cheryl, uh,
I, uh...
Can you talk?
Yes.
Oh, it just seems
like you're not that
heavily into conversation.
Oh, well,
I'm just not used to it.
With boys, I mean.
Well, you can
practice on me.
Okay.
Flash,
people, they talk,
you know, and...
Well, they say
you're sort of mean.
Oh, yeah?
Just tell me
who it is and I'll...
I mean, did they
really say that?
About me?
Nah, I can't
figure that out.
I mean,
how many mean
altar boys have you met?
You're an altar boy?
Are you kiddin'?
Me and the rabbi
are like this.
Rabbi?
Oh, uh, well, see,
that's what I call...
As a matter of fact,
he can't kiss nothin' unless
the Flash checks it out first.
Like the robes and
the cups and the crosses
and shit like that.
Listen, uh, you wanna
get some holy water
or somethin'?
Okay.
All right.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(OWL HOOTING)
(WHISPERING) Yep,
that's him all right.
(STAMMERING) You want me
to drop him?
Get a grip on yourself,
we got orders.
Okay, men,
let's move out.
(EXHALES)
PALADIN: Psst.
PALADIN: Hey, come here.
Hey, who is that?
It's me, Boomer!
Oh.
Hey, I'm Boomer.
(BOOMER GROANING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So will you do it?
I don't know.
I mean, streaking's not
such a big deal anymore.
Believe me,
for some people
it'll be a major deal.
So, uh,
what do I get
for pullin' it off?
Okay. You talked me into it.
Don't forget,
it's Cabin 10.
Come on, Fanny,
I got the perfect place.
You seen Boomer?
(DOOR OPENING)
Hi, Jamie, Fanny.
Have you seen Boomer?
Boomer?
No, he's not here.
No, he's not here.
(MOANING)
Oh, Fanny, I'm sorry.
(JAMIE GROANING)
(METALLIC CLANKING)
Okay, here you go!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(OWL HOOTING)
(CHUCKLING)
Give me the other one.
Okay, okay.
(DOOR CREAKING)
Fanny?
Fanny?
(SCREAMS)
GIRLS: Jamie?
Ta-da!
Oh, shit!
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(BOTH PANTING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BIRD CAWING)
Hey, Meat,
what you doin'?
What's happenin'?
Lookin' for somethin' to do.
Why the raincoat?
Oh, it's gonna rain.
TOMMY: Good, Meat,
be prepared.
LARRY:
Hey, look!
BARRY: Hey,
he's doin' it again.
Hey, Meathead, come on.
You gotta act sorta
normal around here.
You can't walk through stuff
or people are gonna know
you're, uh, different.
Yeah, you're right.
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna practice
walkin' around stuff.
So long, Meat.
See you later.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder when I'm gonna
get to play basketball.
Or use a bow and arrow.
Somethin'. Anything.
Hey guys.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Here.
(COUGHS)
Flash,
why are you a dork?
(COUGHING)
Are you for real?
Yes. Are you for real?
No, no. I meant...
Forget it.
Flash, don't be afraid.
Me afraid?
Hey, I'm heavily into rockets
and saucers,
and well, creatures.
You guys
know about this?
I mean, him?
Wait a second.
How long has he been here?
A few weeks.
And I didn't notice?
Uh, I guess I wouldn't have.
Nobody else has either.
I don't know.
He's no trouble.
We promise
we won't let him bug you.
Flash, call me Meathead.
Okay, Meathead.
I'll take a shot.
Uh, you know, you're
not such a dork, Flash.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, Boomer, what gives?
He's goin' bozo, Crash.
I told him
I still got a right.
You gotta stop him, Crash.
They're gonna hurt him
worser than me.
You don't mean he's gonna...
Yeah. You gotta
tell him, Flash.
See, I don't need
no knuckles to fight.
I don't need no hands
or feet either.
You know why?
Because I'm gonna beat him
with my brains. That's right.
I got more brains
in my little finger
than I do in my whole head.
Take it easy, will you?
I gotta think.
Yeah, you're
lucky that way.
(EXHALING)
Look, I wanna fight.
(PANTING) What?
Champ of the Lake.
I'll take it.
Thanks, Flash,
but it's my fight now.
I'm your fighter.
I thought the Flash
don't do volunteer work.
Yeah. Well, that's a fact,
but sometimes
a situation comes up
that calls for a little
of the Flash's specialty.
Hey, I'm talkin' to you.
(PANTING) You?
Yeah, me.
Champ of the Lake?
Yeah.
I think I like it.
All right!
(GRUNTS)
All right!
(SIGHS)
All right, Giddy!
Way to go!
(GROANS)
(BIRDS CAWING)
(HERSHY LAUGHING)
Here you go, boy.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Ooh, yeah, Mad Dog. Ah!
Ooh, Mad Dog, Mad Dog.
(LAUGHING)
Bad Mad Dog.
Get outta here.
I wonder what Giddy's
got up his sleeve.
We need information,
Paladin.
Sir?
I want a prisoner.
Yes, sir!
Not one of ours,
you tank tread!
One of theirs!
A goddamn
red-blooded Sasquatch!
Yes, sir!
(SIGHS)
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
Hey, Flash.
What do you want?
Listen, I feel sorta
funny about doin' this.
(MAN CHATTERING ON SCREEN)
Doin' what?
Cheryl would kill me.
What for?
But I'm doin' it for her.
Of course you are.
What are you doin'?
Well, she wondered
if you'd...
Oh, I shouldn't.
Yeah, she wondered what?
If you'd go
skinny-dipping tonight.
Me?
I knew I shouldn't.
Me and her?
Yeah. Alone.
Tonight?
Down by the cove?
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON SCREEN)
Okay.
Tell her I'll meet her there.
Tonight?
The shooting stars.
He wants you
to watch with him.
The stars?
You know,
like the Big Dipper
and stuff like that?
The Big Dipper?
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)
(SIGHS)
Now remember, men,
this is not
an ordinary mission,
this is the mission!
You all got
your cyanide capsules?
ALL: Mmm-hmm.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
All right. Now you
people are the finest
counterinsurgency team
I've ever trained
here at Patton.
I don't want you
screwin' it up!
You read me?
Yes, sir!
Move 'em out!
I want you to go through
those Sasquatch creeps
like crap through a goose!
By God, you pull this off
and there'll
be ice cream for
dessert tomorrow!
(CHUCKLING)
(NANCY SHUSHING)
(GIRLS MUTTERING)
A great night
for shooting stars.
Yeah, and, uh,
shooting moons?
Well, where do you
ever see a shooting moon?
Mostly out
of car windows.
(EXCLAIMING)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
We got the best view.
Hey, you guys,
here comes Cheryl.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm glad you came.
Well, I didn't wanna
miss it.
Yeah, me neither.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLING)
What's happening down there?
Shh, you want
them to hear us?
No.
Look at there!
Lookie, quick.
Look, look.
It's all new to me,
you know?
Yeah, I kinda guessed that.
(SIGHS)
(OWL HOOTING)
Do you mind explaining
as we go?
Sure. No problem.
Oh, good.
This is called first base.
(GRUNTS)
Where? I don't see it.
Sorry.
Look,
I thought I was gonna see
the Big Dipper.
Yeah, we'll get to that.
Well, where is it?
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God.
(COYOTE HOWLING)
Okay, this is it.
It's a nice spot.
Really secluded.
Are you sure it's safe?
(SCOFFS)
Does a bear
shit in the woods?
(BIRDS CAWING)
So you ready?
For what?
To go in the water.
The water?
Can you see better
from the water?
Absolutely.
Oh, please.
You go over there
and I'll go over here
and I'll meet you
in the water.
Okay.
I trust you, Flash.
(WHISPERING)
Water?
(SNICKERING)
Shh!
(GROANS)
What is this?
Oh, what is that?
It's my compass.
It always points north.
Boy, what a show.
What's he doin'?
He just dropped his drawers.
(SIGHS)
Did you hear somethin'?
(FANNY GASPS)
How can you see better
from the water?
(SNIFFING)
Flash?
(WHISPERING)
Stop pushing me.
You stop shovin' me
and I'll stop pushin' you.
(MOANING)
Oh, Fanny.
It feels like a rock!
Oh, it is a rock.
(BOTH MOANING)
Flash, is that you?
What the...
Flash?
(BEAR GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
There's a bear!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(SQUEALING)
(BEAR GRUNTING)
Uh, maybe we should
find a new place.
(FROGS CROAKING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
Hi.
Hi.
Have you seen Flash anywhere?
No, not since last night.
MAN: Where is he?
(ALL BOOING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
He's ready, Paladin.
(MAD DOG GRUNTING)
He's ready,
aren't you, big fella?
(GROWLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
(GROWLING)
(BOOING)
Where is he?
He's ready.
Where is he?
Paladin, where is he?
Hey, Giddy! Come here.
(HERSHY AND PALADIN LAUGHING)
HERSHY:
Come here.
I want you
to meet Mad Dog.
(GROWLING)
All right, heel, back!
(LAUGHING)
Where's your boy?
He'll be along anytime now.
Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
I'm sure.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BOY WHISTLING)
That is my dress.
(GROWLING)
Easy. Easy.
(CROWD MUTTERING)
Flash look pretty.
Put 'em on.
(ALL CHEERING)
(BOY WHISTLING)
Where have you been?
Some kind of private party?
Who am I fightin'?
It.
You're dead.
Yeah.
You're dead.
Why is he wearing that?
I don't know.
WOMAN: You're lookin' good,
Flash.
(GRUNTING)
All right, listen up!
Now, this is gonna be
a fair fight.
Throw any weird punches
and I'm gonna be forced
to get physical with you.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
ALBERT:
Any questions?
All right, shake hands.
(GROWLING)
(ALL CHANTING)
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(GRUNTING)
(DINGS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get mad, Mad Dog!
Come on, kill, kill, kill!
(PEOPLE BOOING)
(BARKING)
Kill him.
WOMAN:
Stop him! Stop him!
MAN:
Get him, Mad Dog!
(CAMP SASQUATCH CHILDREN
CHEERING)
What are you doin'?
Disgusting!
Flash!
Get off of me, you fruit,
and fight like a man!
Foul! Make war, not love!
(CROWD BOOING)
(GIRLS SCREECHING)
(MAD DOG GRUNTING)
Flash, look out!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
You all right?
Look, stay away from him.
I'm stayin'.
Keep movin'.
I'm movin'.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
Come back in here!
You can't get away with it.
Come on, get back in here!
Come on, get in here!
I'm gonna kill you! Come on!
Yeah, little fruit,
get on back in there!
Take your medicine!
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
ALBERT: One, two,
three, four, five...
(DINGS)
(CAMP PATTON MEN CHEERING)
(ALL BARKING)
Okay, Mad Dog, I want
you to stop fartin' around.
I want you to put him away,
you hear me?
Get mad.
Get mad, Mad Dog.
(GRUNTING)
Yeah.
That's a good boy.
Where am I?
Hey, come on, Mash.
Hey, Bloomer!
Uh, Fanny,
I know a place.
Please, I got it all
figured out.
Whatever you have got
figured out
does not include me!
Fanny, please, I love them.
Them?
Uh, I mean, you.
(CROWD WHISTLING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(GROWLING)
(DINGS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Jab, jab, jab!
BOY: Keep runnin'.
That's it,
move, move, move!
In the la bonzai!
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Do you think he'll get up?
ALBERT: One,
two, three, four...
Come on, Cash, kid,
get up!
Yeah. Come on, Flash!
Wow!
Wha...
MAN: What kind
of bull is this?
GIRL: Come on, Flash!
Attaboy, Flash!
(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)
Come on, Mad Dog!
Sic him!
(MAN LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
God, he really is a fairy.
What's goin' on?
You didn't tell us
he could fly.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Flash, come on!
Come on!
Come on! Get down.
All right!
Hey, Giddy, how come
you never taught me that?
Come on, big boy.
What you gonna do now, huh?
Come on, come on.
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, get down from there!
Hey, Ref!
Get outta here!
Get down!
That's against the rules!
Don't you dare
tear that dress, buddy!
Come down from there!
FLASH: Hi, Cheryl,
what's happenin'?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ref, get him down!
Get him down!
It's illegal! No flying!
It's against the rules
of war. No flying!
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Get him down!
Foul! Foul!
Get him down!
Get him down!
You can do it!
Aliens.
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
ALBERT: One,
two, three, four...
(QUIVERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRENADE EXPLODING)
Oh, Flash, Flash,
come up!
GIRL: Hey!
Hey, Ref!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
(WHOOPING)
CROWD: One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.
(CHILDREN WHISTLING)
(WHOOPS)
Ha, ha!
I knew it!
I knew it!
(BELL RINGING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Now that is what
you call a pinkie!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
GIRL: It's all right, Flash.
No wonder
they call him Flash.
(HERSHY GROANING)
Giddy, be reasonable.
What good is a camp
without a lake?
Colonel, I'm sensitive
to your needs, but
a deal's a deal.
Oh, deal!
Hold it, hold it!
I hear where you're
coming from, Giddy,
but I've ordered
a submarine for
next year.
Colonel,
you really have to
refocus your energies.
Now, look, this winter
I'm offering a workshop.
New directions
in lifestyle orientations.
You can't do this to me!
Giddy!
I'm warning you,
I'll be back!
Next summer, Giddy,
I'm gonna be back!
(HERSHY SCREAMING)
And I'll be back, Giddy!
So you like your present,
Meathead?
Oh, yes, Steve,
it's really great.
DAD: Hello?
Anybody home?
Hey, Meathead,
they're here.
Well, goodbye, guys.
Nice knowin' you,
Meathead.
BOTH: Goodbye, Meathead.
ALL: Goodbye, Meathead.
TOMMY: Come on, Meathead.
STEVE: Meathead!
TED: Meathead!
Oh, I know.
Hmm.
Well, so we say at home,
goot-a-bye, mulas.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Well, Mr. I-don't-want-to-
go-to-summer-camp,
did you have
a good time?
Oh, it was really great, Dad.
Did you have
a good trip?
Um, the usual.
Comets, meteorites,
space junk.
Boy, it's a mess
out there.
Sorry, Dad.
Where's Mom?
She makin' a big fuss
over you.
She make your favorite.
Hot ginipganabs.
Bye, Meathead!
ALL: Bye, Meathead!
So long.
(BUS HONKING)
I was lookin' for you
after the fight.
Yeah, well,
I was kind of embarrassed.
You've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Come here.
I wanna give you something.
What?
Will you visit me?
Sure.
But what can we
do at your house?
There's a pool out back.
It's a good place
to see the Big Dipper.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah.
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE SUMMER PLAYING)
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waiting for the summer
to sing this song
About the swimmin'
and the women
GIDDY: Boomer!
Boomer, the camp is this way.
Boomer!
From the crammin' and
examin' got to take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now
the waiting's done
DAD:
Well, on your shirt, uh,
what means this meathead?
MEATHEAD:
Uh, beats me, Dad.
Uh-huh.
So, Meathead, you and
Mama wants to stop off
to the Crab Nebula
for some seafood?
We've been waiting for
the summer all year long
Waiting for the summer
to sing this song
About the
swimmin' and the women
and funnin' and the songin'
In the sun
We've been waiting for
the summer to get unstressed
From the crammin' and
examin' got to take a rest
We've been patient
for the summer
And now the waiting's done
We're gonna sleep late
and we're gonna play
We're gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waitin' for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher,
gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We're gonna sleep late,
we're gonna play
We gonna dance
those days away
At night when the
summer stars come out
We're gonna do
what it's all about
We've been waiting for
the summer to hit the beach
No more apples
for the teacher,
gonna eat a peach
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here
Give a sunshine cheer
'Cause the superfine summer
is here