Meet Bill (Bill) (2007) Movie Script
1
What happened to my hair?
Looks like shit.
I hated going to school here.
Fuck, I'm hungry. I should've gone
to Starbucks on the way here.
Why did I have to marry into a family
that needs to donate things like chapels?
They hate that I'm married
to their daughter.
They hate that I'm working at their bank.
I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Next summer,
they want to go shoot an elephant.
Who the fuck
wants to shoot an elephant?
I'll probably have to shoot an elephant.
I'm waxy.
The fuck, I'm old. It's depressing.
I don't want to be old.
I'm gonna be old and waxy
and working at a bank.
And now my pants
are riding up my ass.
Do not tell the principal that I'm here.
Fuck.
Did someone
just run through here?
Uh, no.
Not that I know of.
Why? What's going on?
Nothing.
Just thought I saw
one of the kids running in here.
No, it's just me.
Oh, hey, Bill.
So this is a, uh,
pretty big day for your family.
You know, your father-in-law's
really outdone himself this time.
The John Jacoby Family Chapel.
He is truly a godsend.
I heard he might run for mayor,
and to tell you the truth, I'd vote for him.
He's a hell of a guy.
Um...
Hey, um,
did anyone mention to you about the new
mentor program that we're doing here?
No.
Kids love the program,
and it helps them think about their futures.
You know, if you're interested,
you should sign up today.
We'll set you up with a student.
Yeah. I'm sure. Why not?
Well, listen, uh,
your brother and father-in-law
are probably waiting to break ground,
so I'll, uh... I'll meet you outside?
You can come out now.
Hey, I don't know
why you lied for me,
but thanks, man.
You kiddin'?
You can keep your money.
All right.
I think I'm gonna hang out here
for a few minutes
just so I don't get busted.
All right.
He committed to rebuilding the chapel
three years ago, after the fire,
and he and Janice made good.
On behalf of the Tate Schools,
I'm proud to present
the future site
of the John Jacoby Family Chapel.
Everybody looks great.
Get closer together.
Bill. Bill.
This is Chip Johnson, On the Scene,
at the Tate Preparatory School,
and we have Maria Sanchez
with us here today.
Here's Maria.
That's the bell. Cut.
Ow!
Oh, sorry! God! Honey!
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, this is, uh, Chip Johnson.
Oh.
Chip, my husband Bill.
Oh.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, I just saw you out there.
You're Channel 11, right?
Are you on the scene?
It's a favor to Mr. Jacoby.
Right.
Nice to meet you. Bye, Jess.
You know him?
No.
I mean, I do now.
I met him today.
He just called you Jess.
Everybody calls me Jess.
People who know you call you Jess.
Okay, Bill.
Uh, I have to go.
Uh, is there anything special
you want for dinner tonight?
No. Whatever's fine.
Okay. Well...
See you later.
This is my son-in-law Bill.
He's the executive vice president...
...of human resources.
Bill is in charge of making sure
everything runs smoothly up front.
Go ahead, Bill.
Oh, well, if you have any questions,
uh, feel free to ask them.
Um...
Bill, I need five copies of this, okay?
Why would I want
a doughnut franchise?
It's one of the most lucrative
franchises in the country.
The average store
grosses over 500K,
and right now, the perceptions is
that people don't really believe in carbs,
so we can get them
at somewhat of a discount.
But I don't really eat doughnuts.
Well, you don't need to eat them.
You don't even need to like them.
Then why would I want the franchise?
Investment purposes.
You know, Eddy what's-his-name
down in accounting did that no-carb thing.
Lost 30 pounds.
Eddy Anderson.
Right.
Likes to run, too. Great athlete.
By the by, how's your brother?
He's great. He's fine.
Great.
And, uh, don't forget.
We're going hunting Saturday.
I'd like to speak to someone
regarding franchise opportunities.
Okay. Well, I'd like to leave
my cell phone number.
So, is this your bank?
I saw your face on the billboard.
Yeah, I have an ownership interest.
You ever go just look at the cash?
Can I get a tour?
Uh...
- It's against the rules.
- It's your bank.
- Yeah. And it has rules.
- That you make.
Tell me something.
Why are you interested
in having me mentor you?
You work at a bank. I like money.
Right.
Um, well, unfortunately,
it turns out that I may not be able
to participate in the program.
My schedule shifted today,
and it's gonna be tight.
That's rough.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you do mentor me,
could I get a tour?
Yeah. Let's play it by ear.
All right.
Thanks, Bill.
You bet.
Yeah.
Okay, well... Yeah.
Okay, so this Saturday.
Yes, they're going hunting all day.
Trust me.
Meet me here at 10.
Yeah. All right.
I didn't know you were home.
Where'd you get this?
I really wish you'd listen to the doctor.
These are gonna kill you.
Were you on the phone?
Yeah.
My mom.
Your mom... Where is she...
your mom?
She's, um, home.
Why?
Mmm.
Are you gonna answer that?
Hello.
Right.
This is my cell phone.
Thank you.
Yeah. Tomorrow, 5:30.
That'll be great.
Yeah, I'll be alone.
Okay, thank you.
Who was that?
It was the office.
The office wants to know if you're
gonna be alone tomorrow at 5:30?
It's... I'm working on a deal.
A deal?
Yeah. I have deals.
Come on. What deal?
A financial deal.
You're lying.
I am not.
I can tell. You have
your hands on your hips.
You know what?
A thief thinks everyone steals.
That's right.
Okay.
I'm gonna watch TV.
I'm gonna call your mom.
Okay.
At home.
All right.
So again for tomorrow
it's going to be partly sunny
with highs around 83,
the lows in the upper 60s.
Your mom wasn't home.
Oh, look, here it is.
There is nothing
more important than community.
Bet you a thousand dollars
he runs for mayor.
You know, I was, uh...
Is that my stomach?
Is that my stomach?
Oh, my God, I'm The Blob.
Okay, move, I can't see.
Oh, my God.
I have to remember
to go to the store.
Mmm.
Too bad there's not a place
where you can get
a really good hot, fresh doughnut.
Yeah. You really need
to cut back on the sugar.
Mmm.
Speaking of cutting back,
I've been reviewing
our financial situation,
and I think that we should
consider diversifying.
Okay. Just ask my dad.
Wouldn't it be nice to be less
dependent on your... father?
I'm not dependent on him.
Love you.
On the Scene.
"Sex and Power in America."
Chip Johnson. On the Scene.
You're everywhere, Chip.
Not anymore.
We'll do this.
Now you're mine.
Let's see who dyes their hair now.
How do you like this? Whoop!
Oh! I'm sorry, Chip. I chopped it.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm on the scene today.
I just had my hair dyed last week
and my teeth whitened,
and I'm feeling really good about myself.
So good that I'm gonna
hop on over here.
Oh, hello, darling.
Who colors your hair?
Oh, I saw you on television.
Oh, have you, now?
Oh, yes, I watch you
at 6:00 every single night.
Oh, that's so funny.
I was just wondering who dyes your hair.
You okay, Bill?
What?
Yes, sir.
Our kids from
the mentor program are here.
I want you to give them a tour.
Uh, okay. Which kids?
Yours, mine, and John Jr.'s.
We're all doing it.
Now, John Jr. and I have a meeting,
so they're waiting for you in the lobby.
Oh, and the two boys are
coming hunting with us Saturday.
Your brother has some guns
waiting at the store for them.
I told him that you would
pick them up after work.
Thanks, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
I thought the program
started on Monday.
Mr. Jacoby thought it would be prudent
for us to get acquainted with your facility
prior to the actual
commencement date.
Sarah Sheldon, class of 2009.
Your father-in-law's my mentor.
Donald Choo.
Hi, Donald. Hi, Sarah.
Nice to meet you.
I don't know what you're up to,
but this is going to be a fast tour.
Follow me.
Uh, the question we're asked the most is
what's inside the safety deposit boxes.
Well, some of these boxes haven't
been opened for over 20 years,
so, uh, it's anybody's guess.
And, um, the people who own
the boxes have the only key.
You ever go through them,
see what people are hiding?
He just told you
he doesn't have the key.
Oh, come on.
There's no master key?
Anyway, that's the end of the tour.
- Can't we see the safe?
- Shut up, kid.
We ran your financials,
and we think, potentially,
you could be a good fit for us.
Great.
So what's next?
We'll fly out later this week
and approve the site.
And, of course,
there's a sort of orientation
where you spend a day
at one of our main stores.
Just to ensure you know exactly
what business you're getting into.
You could bring your wife.
Oh, that'd be great.
She'd love that.
Since she'll be
your partner in this venture,
we do require one meeting
with her anyway,
so kill two birds with one stone.
Well, she won't be involved
in the daily operations.
Oh, it's a formality.
She's listed as co-owner
of... all of your assets.
I know.
Pretty sweet, aren't they?
They're delicious.
# And they just walkin' by #
# I think I'm Superfly #
# I've got my alibi #
# Too easy #
# I've got my helmet on #
# I think her name is Joan #
# I gotta make me #
# Halfway paradise #
# I'm just an obnoxious boy #
# I wanna feel the joy #
# I wanna feel the #
# Come on, float with me #
# I wanna elevate #
You're back.
Is that it?
Do you like them?
They're fine.
Would you ever wear them?
Sure.
Do you ever wear them?
That's gonna be 28.75.
Do you want them or not?
Tired of flirting?
Actually...
I bought them for you.
Hey, I know you.
Where do I know you from?
Freedom Bank.
I'm on the billboards.
No, I know. I know.
You're Sargeant Thompson's brother.
Yeah.
I went to Tate with you guys.
I'm Charlie Sherman.
Oh, man, your brother
was my hero in high school.
Goddamn rocket for an arm.
So how is Sarge, huh?
He still in town?
Yeah. He lives in Ferndale.
Whoa.
Yeah. With his boyfriend.
Paul. He's a great guy.
Teaches math at Tate.
Sugar?
Mark, you seen my brother?
I think he's upstairs.
Thanks.
You got it.
Why don't you just tell him
that you think hunting is wrong?
The man has a stuffed
bear in his bedroom.
You're already his son-in-law.
It doesn't matter if he likes you.
He signs my paychecks.
What is this?
That's the Tate mentor program.
They sent out invitations?
Yeah. They want me
on the board or something.
Been a meeting about it
a couple weeks ago.
Why? Are you joining?
Sanderson roped me into it yesterday.
He didn't tell me
that you were doing it.
Yeah.
Wow.
Join Chip Johnson,
On the Scene, tonight at 6 on 11.
You mind if I borrow
your video camera?
Next one's yours, Bill.
Keep your eyes open this time.
Okay? Don't forget to aim.
This sucks.
I'm fucking wet,
I'm fucking tired.
No to mention deaf.
That thing
sounds like a giant ass.
Shut up.
You'll scare the ducks.
What the fuck?
You closed your eyes.
John, I did not.
I squinted at the sun.
You did, too. What a waste.
Dad...
Get the duck.
I was talking to the dog.
Oh.
I knew that.
I got a little cramp in my back.
Get the duck. Get the duck.
All right, get the damn duck.
If this were a hundred years ago,
your family would be dead of starvation.
Come on, boys. Let's go.
How'd it go?
Uh, fine.
Did you get anything?
Uh, no.
What's in your vest?
Nothing.
It's a duck.
What are you gonna do with it?
Bury it.
Where?
In the backyard.
I think he knows.
He looked really uptight.
He always looks that way.
Everything makes Bill uptight.
Blow jobs make Bill uptight.
Okay, I don't need that visual.
No, I swear.
He has a complex about the little acorn.
No.
Yeah.
The acorn?
I swear to God,
that's what it looks like.
No. No, it doesn't.
It's too bad, too, because I hear
that his brother is huge, like you.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna kill her. After I kill him.
Calm down.
Calm down? My wife is screwing
the On the Scene news guy.
You don't know
that was him for sure.
Come on!
The hair, the hair, the hair!
It could've been anyone.
Yeah, anyone. Anyone except me!
Anyone who works out all the time.
God, he's in my bed,
he's in my shirt.
Why aren't you
into blow jobs?
She said I'm not into blow jobs.
Listen to me,
and I want this to be known.
I am. I love blow jobs.
I am Mr. Blow Job Aficionado.
Must run in the family.
Paul, can you stop being
a fag for half a second?
I'll try.
Little acorn.
All right, that's enough.
Oh, my God.
What if she's planning
on leaving me for him?
I'm gonna go get my gun,
and I am gonna go kill him.
Okay, you're not gonna
kill anyone, so just calm down.
I am calm.
Hey, did you bury the duck?
The duck?
The duck is right here.
Quack quack.
Mm-hmm. Look
who's on the scene today.
You spied on me.
That's right, baby,
and I got it all on tape.
That's illegal.
No, smoking pot is illegal.
You cheated on me.
That is a complete
invasion of my privacy.
Are you kidding me?
It was in our bedroom.
I can't believe you would do that to me.
Wait a second. That's what
I'm supposed to be saying to you.
- Give me the tape.
- No.
- I want it.
- No, the tape is mine.
Give me the tape!
No.
Join me later. I'm on the scene
at a local children's hospital,
raising money for a special cause.
We have 30 seconds.
Where is cancer kid?
Over there.
His name's Charlie.
He doesn't look that sick to me.
He's had leukemia since he was 4.
His prognosis is grim.
Tell him to tone down the smile.
- Fine.
- Did my agent call?
On the scene! On the scene!
Always on the scene.
I'll give you on the scene.
Action team. Hey!
I saw you, and I'm watching you!
I'm watching you!
Video camera, one watch.
A wallet, with a Chip Johnson doll.
Can I make my phone call?
Your brother's here.
We watched the tape.
That acorn thing is harsh.
I saw you, and I'm watching you!
Wow, a deranged fan.
Is this the first time something
like this has happened to you?
Yes, it is, Rick.
You see that hair? He dyes it.
It looks like it.
You think he's good-looking?
Why are you watching this?
Do you think he's good-looking?
Bill, he's not better than you.
We have that mentor thing at 7.
Get some sleep.
Deranged fan.
Oh, my God.
All right, give it to me straight.
How many deranged fan jokes?
No one saw anything.
Come on, we're late.
Wait, I'm just gonna take a second.
Sure.
Oh, my God, it's him.
It's the deranged fan!
Deranged fan.
All right.
It's a good-looking group, huh?
Mind if I get this started?
Hey, I, for one, think this is going
to be an excellent program,
but I want to make sure
you think so, too,
so what do you say,
is this gonna be a great program?
Huh?
Yeah-ha-ha!
I cannot believe
you kicked that guy's ass.
Local news usually sucks.
Listen.
Um, no offense, but, um...
I think that you should
maybe choose someone else.
Because this isn't the best time
for me to be mentoring somebody, okay?
What are you talking about?
This is the perfect time.
Why don't you have John Jr.
or Mr. Jacoby mentor you?
Would you want to spend time
with either one of them?
Come on.
Is this about your wife?
No, it's about more
than my wife. It's about...
Don't worry about your wife.
We'll get her back.
We aren't gonna do anything.
Drop it now.
Hi, John. Sarah. John. Donald.
Hey, Choo.
Bill, you're going to make
a schedule for all three kids.
We agreed it would simplify things.
That's right. They'll report to you
at the same time every day.
No way. Bill's my mentor.
This isn't a group project.
All right?
I don't want to be all tied
to you and choo-choo.
Okay? So you can forget about it.
We're fine.
We're not scheduling.
Fine.
All right, Bill.
I'll see you tomorrow after school.
Don't go deadbeat on me.
Gonna be a great program, huh?
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm good. You want a doughnut?
Can I show you something?
Of course. What's up?
You promise you won't be mad at me?
No.
No, I swear. He's got a complex
about the little acorn.
I thought you should know.
It does not look like an acorn.
Everybody got it in email this morning.
I had Donna delete it from Mr. Jacoby's.
Oh.
He can barely use
the internet anyway.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Did my father see it?
No.
John Jr.
Not yet.
Where'd you get that?
Oh, please, I know
where your stash is.
My life is ruined.
Don't exaggerate.
I'm in a sex video. That's porn.
Chip is gonna go into cardiac arrest.
Screw Chip.
He's a celebrity.
This could ruin his career.
On the Scene News 11
doesn't exactly qualify as celebrity.
Stop eating that.
It's not good for you.
Where are you going?
To talk to Chip about your little tape.
# Come in close, come in tight #
# Taste my neck and take a bite #
# Be the vampire saints you are #
# Stab it right into my heart #
# Cut my skin upon your teeth #
Bill, what are you doing?
Put the gun down!
Hey, news guy!
We're on the scene. It's your house!
Bill, you're gonna get arrested!
Won't be the first time.
Bill, you go home!
This is not about you!
Get...
Yeah, let's see what Chip
has to say for himself.
I don't know why you're blaming Chip
for your tape.
How long you been lying to me?
Oh, please. What about you?
I never lied to you.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, you've never managed to clip
a feather, let alone bring home a duck,
but you just hit two 4-inch targets
from 30 yards.
Who's the liar?
What the hell's going on out here?
It's me.
I can see that.
I filed a restraining order
against you.
Well, then, congratulations.
Looks like you got
your top story for tonight.
This is not gonna look good.
I don't care how it looks.
I can't be involved in this.
Take your husband and leave.
Don't speak to me like I'm
some groupie you just fucked.
Honey!
I just want you off my property.
- Give me that towel!
- Get your hands off me!
I knew you dyed your hair!
Bill, cut it out!
Apologize to her!
Bill!
You are gonna get arrested!
Let me see that hair!
Chip Johnson, Action News!
- Phony, apologize!
- Mm-mm.
You apologize! Apologize!
Jesus Christ.
Your brother's here, Acorn.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Hey, you want to come swim?
The pool's open before school.
Friends and family are welcome.
It's 5:00 in the morning.
So? You going back to sleep?
Sergeant says you swim every day.
Don't you remember
how liberating it feels to be in the water?
The best way to drown out the noise.
Come on.
Who needs an occasional escape
from their reality?
I'll grab you a suit.
You ready?
All right. Come on, big guy.
Let's rock it.
I know how this entire debacle
must look,
and I'm sorry if I have
embarrassed you in any way.
Bill, you're dangerously close
to losing everything you've worked for.
I understand that.
Pull it together and resolve your personal
problems in private like a gentleman.
- Yes, sir.
- We're having a family dinner tomorrow.
I'll expect the two of you
to be there, together.
- She has a restraining order.
- Work it out.
We'll be there together.
- Hey!
- Hey!
How are you?
Actually, I think this is the best one.
The location is perfect.
Yeah, the traffic pattern's great.
Oh, and you can do a drive-through.
That's a great idea.
Hey, apologize!
Apologize!
Sorry!
That was strange.
Yeah. Anyway...
You know, that's the space.
Oh, when do we get to meet Jessica?
Uh, Jessica?
Well, actually, she, uh...
she just called me. She's sick.
She has the flu, and it's pretty bad.
But you'll meet her when we
come up to spend the day with you.
Right.
Well, we got some time to kill.
Maybe we can see your offices.
I would love to see your operation.
I read about it
in Entrepreneur Magazine.
Your father-in-law sounds
like a pretty amazing fellow.
Good idea, Jim.
Yeah, Jim, that's a great idea.
Um, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Take your time. Take your time.
Come on, Jim.
Come on in.
- Just come on...
- You're really fast.
Hey, Bill.
Um...
This is Jim and, uh, Jane.
This is my student I'm mentoring.
It's an alumni-participation program.
That's fantastic.
Nice.
We love our family
being part of the community.
You guys are family?
Well, hopefully, when Bill becomes part
of SweetSweet, it'll feel that way.
Doughnuts?
I love the chocolate-covered ones
with the vanilla.
Oh, you should visit our Madison store
when Bill and Jessica come next week.
I'd love to.
Just... Just... Just a second.
Excuse me.
Sarah, I'm really busy right now.
Donald told me
you went hunting last weekend.
Why was I intentionally excluded?
- What, you wanna kill little birds?
- It's discriminatory.
Let me tell you something.
Life is discriminatory. Deal with it.
So is this where the tour starts?
They don't give tours here.
It's against the rules.
Oh.
Well, we don't want anyone
to break the rules.
Be quiet.
Doughnuts?
I have to go back to work now.
We're supposed to spend
five hours a week together.
I'll call you.
What are you doing?
I'm fixing your head!
No, no, no!
You come down from there!
You own this place!
You can't have your face all saggy!
I'll get somebody to fix it in the morning!
Come on! Get down!
We'll go do something!
What exactly do you want
from this mentor thing?
An A.
Hey, there.
You guys need anything?
Uh, no, thank you.
Actually, uh, we do need something.
He needs a suit.
And, uh, you got anything
besides these lame plum smugglers?
I'll see what I can do.
How are you ever gonna meet
any new chicks if you don't work it?
For your information,
I'm still married.
The only way to get the old one back
is to get a new one she's jealous of.
Yeah, when you're 15.
These are cool.
A lot of guys are wearing these.
Yeah, those are cool.
Do you like to swim?
Yeah. Yeah, I like to swim.
You should come sometime.
It's great exercise,
and, you know, we can get breakfast
or something afterwards.
Well, look, you guys decide you want
any of that stuff, my name's Laura.
Just give my name at the register.
All right.
Thank you, Laura.
My brother owns this place,
so try and behave.
Wait. Wait. Uh...
"This is going to be a great program" guy
is your brother?
You own a bank. He owns this place.
Can I get the family discount?
- Let's play it by ear.
- This is a great program.
Hey, deranged fan guy. Apologize!
- Bird watching?
- Duck hunting.
No one can even tell
it's you in the video.
And, besides, you're more popular now
than ever before.
I mean, everybody loves the whole
"deranged fan, apologize" thing.
I'm glad you're amused.
What do you think would happen
to Brian Williams' career
if he were caught on tape
with someone else's wife?
Who the hell's that?
Never mind.
The point is,
it would be O-V-E-R.
Don't be dramatic, all right?
Look at Paris Hilton.
Clinton, for that matter.
This could be the thing
that gets you a national spot.
I don't know.
Maybe I should hire my own PR person.
Don't you have to go to work?
Yeah. I gotta go.
See ya.
Hello.
Hey, it's me.
Oh. What's up?
Uh, I just, uh...
I just want to know if you want me
to pick you up for dinner tomorrow night.
Yeah, that's fine.
What's that noise?
Oh, it's, uh...
Sergeant's watching TV.
Oh. How is Sarge?
Uh, he's good. You know...
You know him. He's always happy.
That's true.
Tell him I said hi.
I gotta stop by the store.
My dad said it's, like, totally amazing.
Oh, gross.
Come on.
You have a great ass.
What?
Nothing. I was just...
I was just, uh, thinking
how great your body is.
You were thinking about my butt?
It's just when you said gross...
Oh, so I said gross,
and you thought of my butt.
No. That's what you say
when you check it out sometimes.
Bill, I can see you.
What the hell are you doing?
I need some clothes.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
I'm sorry.
I just don't understand
what you see in that guy.
Stop spying on me.
I'll pick you up at 7 tomorrow night.
Tell your little friend I saw him.
The most important thing is that
you treat tomorrow like a first date.
All right? You gotta buy some new clothes,
and you're gonna bring her flowers.
It's gonna make her feel
like you really care.
- What's going on?
- We're upgrading the package.
Ahh!
What are you doing here?
Taking a shower.
Does this count as part
of the five hours per week?
Would you write me a note
so I don't get detention for being late?
No.
Hey. I guess I'll see you
after school.
I won't be there.
I have to buy some new clothes.
Sorry.
Cool. We'll go to the mall.
- Hey, Mr. Rose.
- Aren't you late for class?
Bill's signing a note for me.
Oh, really?
Um, well, that's not exactly
how it works.
You're really lucky
I don't report you.
- Come on. He's my mentor.
- Look, move it.
All right. Bill, I'll see you later.
Tuck in the shirt.
She's hot.
I'm shopping for clothes.
You need a new strategy. Y...
If your wife saw you with her,
she'd think twice
about hitting
the On the Scene news guy again.
Let's say that I buy into your theory.
Who am I gonna
go out on a date with?
Unlike you, I have a plan.
You can borrow my girlfriend.
Oh, right.
Look at him.
He needs your help.
He needs new clothes and a hot chick
to get his wife back.
I wonder who thought of that.
Come on. What?
I'll pay you a hundred bucks.
Where'd you get a hundred bucks?
I happen to have an allowance.
Fine.
I'll get him some clothes.
So that On the Scene loser's
jammin' his wife,
but he's got a date with her tonight.
Yeah, I saw the video.
What's up with his hair?
You... I can hear you.
You know,
I sold her those underwear.
- That's hot.
- I'll bet you it was his fault.
It's not my fault.
Oh, really?
When was the last pair of panties
you bought her?
I'm a fat fuck.
I love panties.
I bet you don't even know
what kind she wears.
I see it every day...
women
investing hope in underwear.
I bought you those pink furry ones.
- I returned them.
- I would never forget how sexy you are.
You know, you're kind of creepy.
- But only kind of. Right? Hey.
- Stop.
That is hot.
Thanks for helping out.
I needed the money.
You know, this would look
really hot on you.
I'm not trying on underwear for you.
What's your hang-up
with underwear?
I mean, it's just like
wearing a bathing suit.
Oh, really? Well, then,
why don't you model some for me?
I'll model for you, you come on
a date with me Friday night.
I get to choose the underwear.
All right.
Let's go.
Bill.
It's no big deal.
You ready to face my dad?
I face him every day. It'll be fine.
I'll pretend I'm sick,
and we'll leave early.
You ready?
The question is are you ready?
Yep.
I don't know.
I don't think you can handle this.
I think it might be
a little too sexy for you.
Let's see it, kid.
All right.
# Hey #
# Everybody get naked #
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
Oh, yeah! Ride the pony.
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
You know you want it. You know it.
Tap it! Tap it!
# Mercy, shake it, shake it, shake it #
You're so weird.
# I love you #
Ride the pony!
# Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Duck is perfect, Mom.
My favorite is the acorn squash.
It's in season now.
It's nice.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
I missed that one.
It's good luck.
- You have to swallow it.
- That's right. Swallow it.
It's all yours.
You can't disrespect the hunt.
Swallow it.
No.
Yes.
No.
Swallow it!
No!
Swallow it.
No!
Swallow it.
No.
Eat it!
- No!
- Swallow it, you ingrate!
John, please! We're at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, okay?
But he has absolutely no respect
for this family
and everything we've done for him.
I mean, he wouldn't even have a job
if it weren't for you!
He's executive vice president.
Executive vice president? Of what?
Human resources?
A position that we created
specifically for him!
Shut up, John!
Since Bill's been at the bank,
unemployment claims are down 41%.
That's because he never fires anyone!
And why are you defending him?
Pathetic. Unbelievable.
If you were my wife, I would leave you.
No one is leaving.
No one's leaving.
No one is leaving anyone.
I'm running for mayor.
What?
I'm announcing it at the club picnic,
and I expect all of you
to behave like a family.
Now, does everyone understand
what I'm saying? Jessica?
Yes, Daddy.
Now, who wants to get the fireworks?
I'll get them.
Just don't screw it up.
You know, when my dad
finds out you made a tape,
and it's on the internet,
he's gonna freak.
Well, maybe he won't find out.
He's running for mayor.
Mm-hmm. And I told you.
Let's get coffee.
No. No, I'm too stressed.
Come on.
It'll be a good distraction.
Yeah, all right.
It's gonna be okay. Come on.
What happened to the girl who didn't
give a shit about what anybody thought?
Where is the Jess who used to go
commando under her uniform
and flash me outside of science class,
even though Jenny Bradley
called her a slut?
And Jenny Bradley was a slut!
Bill?
Hey!
Hey!
What the heck are you doing here?
Um, just, you know,
having a little late-night coffee.
Really?
So you coming by the store tomorrow?
Uh, maybe tomorrow night after work.
Yeah?
Make sure you ask for me.
Lucy.
Yeah, exactly.
So I'll see you then.
- Lucy works at the mall, doesn't she?
- Mm-hmm.
You know what I
could really go for right now?
A doughnut.
What?
Fresh out of the oven.
Milk-chocolate icing.
Think how successful Krispy Kreme is.
Yeah. They are.
If we had one of those, we would never
have to worry about your father again.
What are you talking about?
Doughnut franchises
are extremely lucrative.
Yeah, but who the hell
wants a doughnut franchise?
Who the hell
wants a doughnut franchise?
Bill, listen, you gotta do
something about the tape.
What can I do?
Seven million teens
have probably already downloaded it.
Oh, God.
I feel sick.
I don't know what he's doing here.
It's okay. Go on.
Go on. I understand.
I don't think I can handle another
"deranged fan" with him anyway.
Are you seeing that girl?
I told you, I just met her.
She obviously likes you.
Do you like her?
She sells underwear.
She's nice.
Okay.
Okay. Bye.
What are you doing?
Pretty good, huh?
This isn't a competition, Bill.
Okay.
Oh, I gotta stop smoking that chronic.
Nice mentoring, Bill!
Roser the poser looks pissed.
He probably couldn't punch out
his algorithm this morning.
Was she jealous?
Yeah, she was.
I knew it. I knew it.
It's only a matter of time now.
- Is she coming to see the SweetSweets?
- I don't think so.
Yes, she is.
It's never gonna work.
Of course it is.
This is my wife.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise.
All righty, then.
Let's get started.
And now we put
the topping on them.
We got glazed,
chocolate, and sprinkles.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. It looked so good.
Hey, Lucy tried it, too.
- Who's Lucy?
- I don't know.
He has an imaginary friend... Lucy.
Well, we're gonna have
to throw all that away now.
I'll just take it home.
- No. That's against company policy.
- What?
- Frosting can't leave the building?
- It's a secret recipe.
All right. If you're gonna
throw it away, here. Try it.
It's good.
Ahh.
I'm not eating sugar right now.
I'll take you guys over
to the boxing section,
and then, uh,
set you up at the register.
I'll have six chocolate
and two vanilla and three cherry.
No, make that two chocolate.
She looks a little young
to be his wife.
Jane, who gives a shit,
all right?
We need to move
some of these franchises.
He could be a huge asset to us.
Don't cuss at me.
I am trying to protect
your interest also.
I'm sorry.
I just think sometimes
you have unreasonable expectations.
There you go.
Actually, I said six chocolate.
Maybe you should consider
laying off the chocolate.
Hey. He's just kidding.
He wants the chocolate ones for himself.
Okay, so that will be, uh, 8.63, please.
I already gave you a coupon
for the free dozen.
Dude, the last thing you need
is the free dozen.
There you go.
There's your change.
Have a SweetSweet day.
Bill, why do you want a doughnut store?
This place sucks.
Let me tell you something, kid.
Working sucks, okay?
Working sucks!
It doesn't matter if you're in a bank,
a department store, or a doughnut factory,
because once you've been there long enough,
the only thing you'll care about
is when your next pay increase is,
how many vacation days you've accrued,
and if your health insurance is gonna pay
for the cholesterol medicine
that keeps your heart pumping no matter
how much shit you work through it.
Then, after you've gained 20 or 30 pounds
because you're so fucking uptight all the time,
you wake up and discover
that you're working for your father-in-law
in a position with a gratuitous title,
and you're totally replaceable.
And not only is the new guy
better at your job,
but he's got a better car
and better jokes and better hair!
So no matter what you do,
you make sure you make
a lot of money doing it,
because it all sucks!
And that is one lesson I,
as your mentor, can teach you.
Whoa.
How are you?
Step right on up here.
What would you like today, my little friend?
A glazed doughnut?
Well, if you have any questions,
you can call us at home.
Okay.
Otherwise, we'll send down the paperwork
on Monday. Congratulations.
- Okay.
- Hey, Lucy has to be home by 6.
Who's Lucy?
His imaginary friend.
- All right, then. We'll talk Monday.
- All right.
Take care.
Bye.
So are these for, like,
baby announcements?
Aah!
You think that's funny?
Come on. Bring them on.
Oh, yeah?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Come on!
No guts!
Look at my little friend.
Damn, my thumb!
I lost my thumb!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where's your thumb?
Where's your thumb?
Lucy, you guys, help him find his thumb!
You guys, where is his thumb?
It's just ketchup.
You're dead.
Oh! Oh, my God! No!
# Let it loose #
# Let it loose #
# It's modern man #
Okay, so, uh,
let's take two of those boxes,
five of the Froggers,
two of the big fountains,
a couple dozen of those, uh,
crackers, and, uh, some rockets.
That'll be good.
Do you have a bathroom here?
- Uh, yeah, it's in the back.
- Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Double that.
Dude, you want insane?
Try the Crack Pipe
and the k-k-k-k-k-k... yaah...
Hyper Coaster.
Right on.
You know what?
Pack those together
so he won't know.
I'm excited.
You excited? Get excited.
I'm excited.
I think you have a thing
for Miss SweetSweet.
I do?
Yeah. I don't know.
It seemed like...
She hates me.
I don't know.
She was so...
- Seemed like she was kind of into you.
- She's insane.
Oh, really?
Tasting her chocolate.
That was hysterical.
You know what?
Thanks for coming along.
No problem. You know, I, uh...
I actually had a pretty good time.
What can I say? I'm fun.
I am.
Congratulations, man.
Yeah? Well, I still have to convince Jess
to buy into a doughnut franchise.
You already did all the work.
Just tell her how much cash she makes.
All she has to do
is sign a piece of paper.
Jess doesn't do anything
without her father's permission.
She sounds lame, man.
Give that to me.
# Young and useless #
# Just a surprise #
# Wasting away #
# What we're doing this time #
# Yes, these are #
# The best days of our lives #
Laura. Laura.
Laura, can we climb your wall?
# And I feel #
# Real #
- # Cool #
- Bill.
Hey, Bill, apologize!
Apologize!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh!
What are you, high?
Would you get down?
Bring 'em down.
What are you, high?
Hey, "This is going to be
a great program" guy.
# Everything's all right #
I just scored on myself.
Watch this. Watch this one.
Laura, watch closely.
Hey, Paul, you wanna play?
Come on. We'll kick your ass.
Oh, Jesus. Everything has to be
a competition with you, doesn't it?
Oh! We're just having fun.
I'm serious.
That's why Chip Johnson
and the whole acorn thing
drive you so crazy.
Take it easy, Rose Man.
It's just air hockey, okay, Paul?
Really? Well, it's in the pool as well.
Just take him home.
Take him home.
To his house or to our house?
Okay, don't start, okay?
Sergeant, forget it.
Please, I can take a hint.
Roser the poser
can't handle a competition.
Bill...
No, really.
I don't need to live with you guys.
Come on.
- I don't know why you said that.
- Can't you see that's his problem?
His life is falling apart.
Where's your sympathy?
You always take his side.
He's my brother. For obvious reasons,
he's having an identity crisis.
Remember what that feels like?
Cheers, kid.
Cheers, Bill.
Off the wall. Hook shot.
You suck.
You suck.
You know, I have to turn in a paper
on banking to get my final grade.
Does it cover the variables
of office basketball?
Very impressive.
I'm just surprised he's not
paying someone to write it for him.
Maybe he should stop paying people
to write papers for him.
Cheap shot.
Bill's right.
You know, it's only money.
Not if you're the one making it. Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing here?
l... I came to see my dad.
Um, then I just thought I'd stop by.
What's going on?
Nothing.
l... I was gonna see if you were doing
anything later tonight, um,
and you are.
You're busy, so...
Why don't you hang out?
No, thanks. l...
No, I have to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You suck.
You suck.
You both suck.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
Can you drive around
for just a little bit longer?
No, I can't.
All right. Yeah.
We'll go back to your place, then.
I'm dropping you off.
What? What? Come on. Come on.
You gotta let me sleep over.
Like, I'm not kidding.
Please, dude,
you gotta do this for me.
You have to.
She'll call one of her friends.
She's calling one of her friends right now.
She's doing it.
You've only had sex with one person
your entire life.
Would you sh...
Now, you can change that.
Tonight, right now.
Mm-hmm.
You can change it.
Cool tent.
Thanks.
So do you live here for real?
Yeah. Um, temporarily.
Hey, do you get any, like,
wild animals out here?
We're in a backyard.
All right. Hey, take this.
Now be careful.
That's White Widow.
It's really strong.
It's good. Trust me.
Put on some music.
Come on, we're dancing.
Get up. Come on.
Get up. Give me your hand.
Lucy? Lucy, my hand.
Take my hand, Lucy.
Get up.
Bill, dance. Come on.
Hold on.
Come on, Bill. Get up.
Come on, Bill. Come on.
Come on, Billy.
Come on.
Bill, dance with us.
He'll be sorry.
Whoo-hoo!
# I am the storm #
# I am the wonder #
# I am the flashlight #
# I twist, sudden explosion #
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
What's going on out there?
Let him have some fun.
It's 10:30.
Go do some sit-ups.
No.
Do not tell him. It's a secret.
Wait. Wait.
I have a really good secret.
I got fake boobs.
No way. You slut.
I know!
I love that bra.
And then the matching panties
with the little bows at the sides.
Oh, my God.
Fucking sweet.
Can I touch 'em?
Of course.
Oh, my God.
Me, too.
Mm-mm.
What?
Oh, my God.
Bill, don't you wanna touch these?
Don't you wanna feel them?
They look nice.
Come on.
Come on. Just once.
What are you doing?
Making coffee.
Put some pants on.
You look like a Froot Loop.
It's actually pretty comfortable.
Don't you have school?
It's Saturday.
The picnic.
Don't worry, I'm making the coffee.
Jesus.
Ugh!
Again.
Always stick close to me.
When I'm walking, you always
have to be close to me.
You guys, we gotta
get Jess out of here.
Sarah brought Jim and Jane.
Come on.
Jess?
I said 50 yards.
This doesn't concern you.
I can't believe you have
the nerve to bring her here.
- Sir, you're gonna have to step back.
- It's not what it looks like, Jessica.
Let go of me.
Meet me at the back entrance.
Back... Okay. Come on,
Lucy, let's go. Come on.
Hi. I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna check on security.
Get in.
Your order said 50 yards.
Um, could I have everyone's attention,
please, ladies and gentlemen?
Ladies and gentlemen. Ahem.
It's almost time for me to introduce
my father, Mr. John Jacobi.
Right. But first I'd like to,
uh, take a quick look back
to the year 1902.
As legend has it, there wasn't even
a road that, uh, would get you here,
and once you did get here, well,
there wasn't that much to see.
It was only through our family's
perseverance and foresight that we were...
What's going on?
Bill!
Bill!
That was fucking awesome.
Did you see the crack pipe?
Yes, I saw the crack pipe.
What I want to know
is how it got in my car.
You gotta admit it was
the highlight of the show.
If I could stand up straight, I'd kill you.
I gotta get some of those
crack pipes for homecoming.
Why don't you focus
on something productive?
Having fun is productive.
Let's get out of here.
You look like shit.
Wanna stop at Big Bun?
I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah, let's do that.
I'll take a double supreme,
large fries, and a soda.
No, I don't want
to stop at the Big Bun.
I'm just kidding.
You're not still mad about
the crack pipe, are you?
Shut up and drive.
Asshole!
#... never wanna say good night #
# There's nothing left to say #
# Before we go #
# We will sing #
# That we're all in love with you #
I'm gonna go check in.
You wait in the lobby.
Okay.
You haven't
figured one thing out.
I've got one or two in there.
No, you don't.
Thanks for coming.
I don't mind.
See? You like hanging out with me.
Of course
I like hanging out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, your obsession with women's
underwear is kind of creepy.
There's nothing creepy about that.
You're kind of a stalker.
Here, I've been meaning
to give that to you.
Whoa. What's this for?
You don't have to pay me
to be your friend.
I want to be.
Thanks.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
I gotta go check up on Bill.
All right.
Whoa. Whoa.
Just friends.
I get it.
Okay.
- I get it.
- Okay.
Hey.
Sneaky little shit.
Oh, my God.
Will you put that thing away?
You're gonna break it. Oh.
Hey. Thank God you called.
The entire club
is out looking for you.
The fourth hole is totally on fire.
I heard.
My father had to
cancel his announcement.
He's furious. I don't know
what I'm gonna tell him this time.
You know what?
We've spent enough time
worrying about your father.
The truth is I don't care
what he thinks about me.
Bill...
No.
Did you know that every
single day all I can think about
is how much I hate working for him?
I should've said something
a long time ago.
Before this whole Chip Johnson thing.
He's a total action news idiot.
What? The guy's an idiot.
He's right. He is an idiot.
Fine, he's an idiot.
But then, so what?
This whole doughnut thing
is a new career?
Oh, God, Jim and Jane.
They're going to think I'm insane.
Yeah, they were a little confused
when I told them I was your wife.
Well, that's because I had
to tell them that you're Lucy,
or Lucy was you, so that they
would get the deal done,
but I don't think I have
a doughnut franchise in my future.
Jess...
I love you.
But our lives suck.
Can I give you a ride?
No. I have one.
Ohh...
I'd like to tender my resignation,
effective immediately.
And I know my opinion
is of little consequence to you,
but, uh...
I think hunting defenseless
animals for sport is...
it's wrong.
Oh.
And, uh, John Jr. was right.
I don't belong here.
You know what? I would have
done exactly the same thing
to that Chip Johnson fellow.
Good luck to you, Bill.
Thank you, sir.
Hi. They're waiting for you.
...there is, we're on the corner...
Hi.
Your wife was just sharing
some of her ideas with us.
Well, every partnership
has its up and downs.
The important thing
is that you're able to stick it out.
I don't think we've ever seen anyone
so committed to getting
one of our franchises.
We did it.
You did it.
You look great.
Are you happy?
I am happy.
I am happy.
But not because of the doughnuts.
You know, before you got here,
I was going to tell them
I didn't want the franchise anymore.
I think you should keep it.
Why?
Because I don't think
this is the life that I want.
I don't want
to be the doughnut guy.
I don't want to be the bank guy.
Quite frankly, I'm kind of...
sick of being the deranged fan guy.
Okay.
You can be whoever you want.
Hey.
It's your grade.
I can't believe you're not
going to mentor me anymore.
Kid, you don't need a mentor.
You got it all figured out.
Sometimes. But hey, I'm still
going to miss hanging out with you.
I'll miss you, too, kid.
But listen to me,
and this is important.
I don't want you to float through life
pretending nothing matters
because trust me, one day
you're going to wake up,
and you're going to realize
you don't have the life you wanted.
You understand?
I understand, Bill.
Good. All right, I have to go.
Where are you going?
I don't know,
but I'm excited to find out.
Thanks, kid.
Can I come visit?
Check your locker.
Are you excited?
Holy shit.
# I know it's easier
to give up your dreams #
# And to be yourself
is harder than it seems #
# How can I change the world
if I can't change myself? #
# I guess the only thing I can do
is take the first step #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# I know the world is cruel
to the dreamer's heart #
# And to find yourself alone
is the hardest part #
# How can I save the world
if I can't save myself? #
# I guess my own two hands #
# Are the only thing I can count on now #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# And all this time I looked outside #
# For all the things I had inside #
# And now my fears just disappear #
# I'm gonna go on building #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
What happened to my hair?
Looks like shit.
I hated going to school here.
Fuck, I'm hungry. I should've gone
to Starbucks on the way here.
Why did I have to marry into a family
that needs to donate things like chapels?
They hate that I'm married
to their daughter.
They hate that I'm working at their bank.
I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Next summer,
they want to go shoot an elephant.
Who the fuck
wants to shoot an elephant?
I'll probably have to shoot an elephant.
I'm waxy.
The fuck, I'm old. It's depressing.
I don't want to be old.
I'm gonna be old and waxy
and working at a bank.
And now my pants
are riding up my ass.
Do not tell the principal that I'm here.
Fuck.
Did someone
just run through here?
Uh, no.
Not that I know of.
Why? What's going on?
Nothing.
Just thought I saw
one of the kids running in here.
No, it's just me.
Oh, hey, Bill.
So this is a, uh,
pretty big day for your family.
You know, your father-in-law's
really outdone himself this time.
The John Jacoby Family Chapel.
He is truly a godsend.
I heard he might run for mayor,
and to tell you the truth, I'd vote for him.
He's a hell of a guy.
Um...
Hey, um,
did anyone mention to you about the new
mentor program that we're doing here?
No.
Kids love the program,
and it helps them think about their futures.
You know, if you're interested,
you should sign up today.
We'll set you up with a student.
Yeah. I'm sure. Why not?
Well, listen, uh,
your brother and father-in-law
are probably waiting to break ground,
so I'll, uh... I'll meet you outside?
You can come out now.
Hey, I don't know
why you lied for me,
but thanks, man.
You kiddin'?
You can keep your money.
All right.
I think I'm gonna hang out here
for a few minutes
just so I don't get busted.
All right.
He committed to rebuilding the chapel
three years ago, after the fire,
and he and Janice made good.
On behalf of the Tate Schools,
I'm proud to present
the future site
of the John Jacoby Family Chapel.
Everybody looks great.
Get closer together.
Bill. Bill.
This is Chip Johnson, On the Scene,
at the Tate Preparatory School,
and we have Maria Sanchez
with us here today.
Here's Maria.
That's the bell. Cut.
Ow!
Oh, sorry! God! Honey!
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, this is, uh, Chip Johnson.
Oh.
Chip, my husband Bill.
Oh.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, I just saw you out there.
You're Channel 11, right?
Are you on the scene?
It's a favor to Mr. Jacoby.
Right.
Nice to meet you. Bye, Jess.
You know him?
No.
I mean, I do now.
I met him today.
He just called you Jess.
Everybody calls me Jess.
People who know you call you Jess.
Okay, Bill.
Uh, I have to go.
Uh, is there anything special
you want for dinner tonight?
No. Whatever's fine.
Okay. Well...
See you later.
This is my son-in-law Bill.
He's the executive vice president...
...of human resources.
Bill is in charge of making sure
everything runs smoothly up front.
Go ahead, Bill.
Oh, well, if you have any questions,
uh, feel free to ask them.
Um...
Bill, I need five copies of this, okay?
Why would I want
a doughnut franchise?
It's one of the most lucrative
franchises in the country.
The average store
grosses over 500K,
and right now, the perceptions is
that people don't really believe in carbs,
so we can get them
at somewhat of a discount.
But I don't really eat doughnuts.
Well, you don't need to eat them.
You don't even need to like them.
Then why would I want the franchise?
Investment purposes.
You know, Eddy what's-his-name
down in accounting did that no-carb thing.
Lost 30 pounds.
Eddy Anderson.
Right.
Likes to run, too. Great athlete.
By the by, how's your brother?
He's great. He's fine.
Great.
And, uh, don't forget.
We're going hunting Saturday.
I'd like to speak to someone
regarding franchise opportunities.
Okay. Well, I'd like to leave
my cell phone number.
So, is this your bank?
I saw your face on the billboard.
Yeah, I have an ownership interest.
You ever go just look at the cash?
Can I get a tour?
Uh...
- It's against the rules.
- It's your bank.
- Yeah. And it has rules.
- That you make.
Tell me something.
Why are you interested
in having me mentor you?
You work at a bank. I like money.
Right.
Um, well, unfortunately,
it turns out that I may not be able
to participate in the program.
My schedule shifted today,
and it's gonna be tight.
That's rough.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you do mentor me,
could I get a tour?
Yeah. Let's play it by ear.
All right.
Thanks, Bill.
You bet.
Yeah.
Okay, well... Yeah.
Okay, so this Saturday.
Yes, they're going hunting all day.
Trust me.
Meet me here at 10.
Yeah. All right.
I didn't know you were home.
Where'd you get this?
I really wish you'd listen to the doctor.
These are gonna kill you.
Were you on the phone?
Yeah.
My mom.
Your mom... Where is she...
your mom?
She's, um, home.
Why?
Mmm.
Are you gonna answer that?
Hello.
Right.
This is my cell phone.
Thank you.
Yeah. Tomorrow, 5:30.
That'll be great.
Yeah, I'll be alone.
Okay, thank you.
Who was that?
It was the office.
The office wants to know if you're
gonna be alone tomorrow at 5:30?
It's... I'm working on a deal.
A deal?
Yeah. I have deals.
Come on. What deal?
A financial deal.
You're lying.
I am not.
I can tell. You have
your hands on your hips.
You know what?
A thief thinks everyone steals.
That's right.
Okay.
I'm gonna watch TV.
I'm gonna call your mom.
Okay.
At home.
All right.
So again for tomorrow
it's going to be partly sunny
with highs around 83,
the lows in the upper 60s.
Your mom wasn't home.
Oh, look, here it is.
There is nothing
more important than community.
Bet you a thousand dollars
he runs for mayor.
You know, I was, uh...
Is that my stomach?
Is that my stomach?
Oh, my God, I'm The Blob.
Okay, move, I can't see.
Oh, my God.
I have to remember
to go to the store.
Mmm.
Too bad there's not a place
where you can get
a really good hot, fresh doughnut.
Yeah. You really need
to cut back on the sugar.
Mmm.
Speaking of cutting back,
I've been reviewing
our financial situation,
and I think that we should
consider diversifying.
Okay. Just ask my dad.
Wouldn't it be nice to be less
dependent on your... father?
I'm not dependent on him.
Love you.
On the Scene.
"Sex and Power in America."
Chip Johnson. On the Scene.
You're everywhere, Chip.
Not anymore.
We'll do this.
Now you're mine.
Let's see who dyes their hair now.
How do you like this? Whoop!
Oh! I'm sorry, Chip. I chopped it.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm on the scene today.
I just had my hair dyed last week
and my teeth whitened,
and I'm feeling really good about myself.
So good that I'm gonna
hop on over here.
Oh, hello, darling.
Who colors your hair?
Oh, I saw you on television.
Oh, have you, now?
Oh, yes, I watch you
at 6:00 every single night.
Oh, that's so funny.
I was just wondering who dyes your hair.
You okay, Bill?
What?
Yes, sir.
Our kids from
the mentor program are here.
I want you to give them a tour.
Uh, okay. Which kids?
Yours, mine, and John Jr.'s.
We're all doing it.
Now, John Jr. and I have a meeting,
so they're waiting for you in the lobby.
Oh, and the two boys are
coming hunting with us Saturday.
Your brother has some guns
waiting at the store for them.
I told him that you would
pick them up after work.
Thanks, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
I thought the program
started on Monday.
Mr. Jacoby thought it would be prudent
for us to get acquainted with your facility
prior to the actual
commencement date.
Sarah Sheldon, class of 2009.
Your father-in-law's my mentor.
Donald Choo.
Hi, Donald. Hi, Sarah.
Nice to meet you.
I don't know what you're up to,
but this is going to be a fast tour.
Follow me.
Uh, the question we're asked the most is
what's inside the safety deposit boxes.
Well, some of these boxes haven't
been opened for over 20 years,
so, uh, it's anybody's guess.
And, um, the people who own
the boxes have the only key.
You ever go through them,
see what people are hiding?
He just told you
he doesn't have the key.
Oh, come on.
There's no master key?
Anyway, that's the end of the tour.
- Can't we see the safe?
- Shut up, kid.
We ran your financials,
and we think, potentially,
you could be a good fit for us.
Great.
So what's next?
We'll fly out later this week
and approve the site.
And, of course,
there's a sort of orientation
where you spend a day
at one of our main stores.
Just to ensure you know exactly
what business you're getting into.
You could bring your wife.
Oh, that'd be great.
She'd love that.
Since she'll be
your partner in this venture,
we do require one meeting
with her anyway,
so kill two birds with one stone.
Well, she won't be involved
in the daily operations.
Oh, it's a formality.
She's listed as co-owner
of... all of your assets.
I know.
Pretty sweet, aren't they?
They're delicious.
# And they just walkin' by #
# I think I'm Superfly #
# I've got my alibi #
# Too easy #
# I've got my helmet on #
# I think her name is Joan #
# I gotta make me #
# Halfway paradise #
# I'm just an obnoxious boy #
# I wanna feel the joy #
# I wanna feel the #
# Come on, float with me #
# I wanna elevate #
You're back.
Is that it?
Do you like them?
They're fine.
Would you ever wear them?
Sure.
Do you ever wear them?
That's gonna be 28.75.
Do you want them or not?
Tired of flirting?
Actually...
I bought them for you.
Hey, I know you.
Where do I know you from?
Freedom Bank.
I'm on the billboards.
No, I know. I know.
You're Sargeant Thompson's brother.
Yeah.
I went to Tate with you guys.
I'm Charlie Sherman.
Oh, man, your brother
was my hero in high school.
Goddamn rocket for an arm.
So how is Sarge, huh?
He still in town?
Yeah. He lives in Ferndale.
Whoa.
Yeah. With his boyfriend.
Paul. He's a great guy.
Teaches math at Tate.
Sugar?
Mark, you seen my brother?
I think he's upstairs.
Thanks.
You got it.
Why don't you just tell him
that you think hunting is wrong?
The man has a stuffed
bear in his bedroom.
You're already his son-in-law.
It doesn't matter if he likes you.
He signs my paychecks.
What is this?
That's the Tate mentor program.
They sent out invitations?
Yeah. They want me
on the board or something.
Been a meeting about it
a couple weeks ago.
Why? Are you joining?
Sanderson roped me into it yesterday.
He didn't tell me
that you were doing it.
Yeah.
Wow.
Join Chip Johnson,
On the Scene, tonight at 6 on 11.
You mind if I borrow
your video camera?
Next one's yours, Bill.
Keep your eyes open this time.
Okay? Don't forget to aim.
This sucks.
I'm fucking wet,
I'm fucking tired.
No to mention deaf.
That thing
sounds like a giant ass.
Shut up.
You'll scare the ducks.
What the fuck?
You closed your eyes.
John, I did not.
I squinted at the sun.
You did, too. What a waste.
Dad...
Get the duck.
I was talking to the dog.
Oh.
I knew that.
I got a little cramp in my back.
Get the duck. Get the duck.
All right, get the damn duck.
If this were a hundred years ago,
your family would be dead of starvation.
Come on, boys. Let's go.
How'd it go?
Uh, fine.
Did you get anything?
Uh, no.
What's in your vest?
Nothing.
It's a duck.
What are you gonna do with it?
Bury it.
Where?
In the backyard.
I think he knows.
He looked really uptight.
He always looks that way.
Everything makes Bill uptight.
Blow jobs make Bill uptight.
Okay, I don't need that visual.
No, I swear.
He has a complex about the little acorn.
No.
Yeah.
The acorn?
I swear to God,
that's what it looks like.
No. No, it doesn't.
It's too bad, too, because I hear
that his brother is huge, like you.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna kill her. After I kill him.
Calm down.
Calm down? My wife is screwing
the On the Scene news guy.
You don't know
that was him for sure.
Come on!
The hair, the hair, the hair!
It could've been anyone.
Yeah, anyone. Anyone except me!
Anyone who works out all the time.
God, he's in my bed,
he's in my shirt.
Why aren't you
into blow jobs?
She said I'm not into blow jobs.
Listen to me,
and I want this to be known.
I am. I love blow jobs.
I am Mr. Blow Job Aficionado.
Must run in the family.
Paul, can you stop being
a fag for half a second?
I'll try.
Little acorn.
All right, that's enough.
Oh, my God.
What if she's planning
on leaving me for him?
I'm gonna go get my gun,
and I am gonna go kill him.
Okay, you're not gonna
kill anyone, so just calm down.
I am calm.
Hey, did you bury the duck?
The duck?
The duck is right here.
Quack quack.
Mm-hmm. Look
who's on the scene today.
You spied on me.
That's right, baby,
and I got it all on tape.
That's illegal.
No, smoking pot is illegal.
You cheated on me.
That is a complete
invasion of my privacy.
Are you kidding me?
It was in our bedroom.
I can't believe you would do that to me.
Wait a second. That's what
I'm supposed to be saying to you.
- Give me the tape.
- No.
- I want it.
- No, the tape is mine.
Give me the tape!
No.
Join me later. I'm on the scene
at a local children's hospital,
raising money for a special cause.
We have 30 seconds.
Where is cancer kid?
Over there.
His name's Charlie.
He doesn't look that sick to me.
He's had leukemia since he was 4.
His prognosis is grim.
Tell him to tone down the smile.
- Fine.
- Did my agent call?
On the scene! On the scene!
Always on the scene.
I'll give you on the scene.
Action team. Hey!
I saw you, and I'm watching you!
I'm watching you!
Video camera, one watch.
A wallet, with a Chip Johnson doll.
Can I make my phone call?
Your brother's here.
We watched the tape.
That acorn thing is harsh.
I saw you, and I'm watching you!
Wow, a deranged fan.
Is this the first time something
like this has happened to you?
Yes, it is, Rick.
You see that hair? He dyes it.
It looks like it.
You think he's good-looking?
Why are you watching this?
Do you think he's good-looking?
Bill, he's not better than you.
We have that mentor thing at 7.
Get some sleep.
Deranged fan.
Oh, my God.
All right, give it to me straight.
How many deranged fan jokes?
No one saw anything.
Come on, we're late.
Wait, I'm just gonna take a second.
Sure.
Oh, my God, it's him.
It's the deranged fan!
Deranged fan.
All right.
It's a good-looking group, huh?
Mind if I get this started?
Hey, I, for one, think this is going
to be an excellent program,
but I want to make sure
you think so, too,
so what do you say,
is this gonna be a great program?
Huh?
Yeah-ha-ha!
I cannot believe
you kicked that guy's ass.
Local news usually sucks.
Listen.
Um, no offense, but, um...
I think that you should
maybe choose someone else.
Because this isn't the best time
for me to be mentoring somebody, okay?
What are you talking about?
This is the perfect time.
Why don't you have John Jr.
or Mr. Jacoby mentor you?
Would you want to spend time
with either one of them?
Come on.
Is this about your wife?
No, it's about more
than my wife. It's about...
Don't worry about your wife.
We'll get her back.
We aren't gonna do anything.
Drop it now.
Hi, John. Sarah. John. Donald.
Hey, Choo.
Bill, you're going to make
a schedule for all three kids.
We agreed it would simplify things.
That's right. They'll report to you
at the same time every day.
No way. Bill's my mentor.
This isn't a group project.
All right?
I don't want to be all tied
to you and choo-choo.
Okay? So you can forget about it.
We're fine.
We're not scheduling.
Fine.
All right, Bill.
I'll see you tomorrow after school.
Don't go deadbeat on me.
Gonna be a great program, huh?
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm good. You want a doughnut?
Can I show you something?
Of course. What's up?
You promise you won't be mad at me?
No.
No, I swear. He's got a complex
about the little acorn.
I thought you should know.
It does not look like an acorn.
Everybody got it in email this morning.
I had Donna delete it from Mr. Jacoby's.
Oh.
He can barely use
the internet anyway.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Did my father see it?
No.
John Jr.
Not yet.
Where'd you get that?
Oh, please, I know
where your stash is.
My life is ruined.
Don't exaggerate.
I'm in a sex video. That's porn.
Chip is gonna go into cardiac arrest.
Screw Chip.
He's a celebrity.
This could ruin his career.
On the Scene News 11
doesn't exactly qualify as celebrity.
Stop eating that.
It's not good for you.
Where are you going?
To talk to Chip about your little tape.
# Come in close, come in tight #
# Taste my neck and take a bite #
# Be the vampire saints you are #
# Stab it right into my heart #
# Cut my skin upon your teeth #
Bill, what are you doing?
Put the gun down!
Hey, news guy!
We're on the scene. It's your house!
Bill, you're gonna get arrested!
Won't be the first time.
Bill, you go home!
This is not about you!
Get...
Yeah, let's see what Chip
has to say for himself.
I don't know why you're blaming Chip
for your tape.
How long you been lying to me?
Oh, please. What about you?
I never lied to you.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, you've never managed to clip
a feather, let alone bring home a duck,
but you just hit two 4-inch targets
from 30 yards.
Who's the liar?
What the hell's going on out here?
It's me.
I can see that.
I filed a restraining order
against you.
Well, then, congratulations.
Looks like you got
your top story for tonight.
This is not gonna look good.
I don't care how it looks.
I can't be involved in this.
Take your husband and leave.
Don't speak to me like I'm
some groupie you just fucked.
Honey!
I just want you off my property.
- Give me that towel!
- Get your hands off me!
I knew you dyed your hair!
Bill, cut it out!
Apologize to her!
Bill!
You are gonna get arrested!
Let me see that hair!
Chip Johnson, Action News!
- Phony, apologize!
- Mm-mm.
You apologize! Apologize!
Jesus Christ.
Your brother's here, Acorn.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Hey, you want to come swim?
The pool's open before school.
Friends and family are welcome.
It's 5:00 in the morning.
So? You going back to sleep?
Sergeant says you swim every day.
Don't you remember
how liberating it feels to be in the water?
The best way to drown out the noise.
Come on.
Who needs an occasional escape
from their reality?
I'll grab you a suit.
You ready?
All right. Come on, big guy.
Let's rock it.
I know how this entire debacle
must look,
and I'm sorry if I have
embarrassed you in any way.
Bill, you're dangerously close
to losing everything you've worked for.
I understand that.
Pull it together and resolve your personal
problems in private like a gentleman.
- Yes, sir.
- We're having a family dinner tomorrow.
I'll expect the two of you
to be there, together.
- She has a restraining order.
- Work it out.
We'll be there together.
- Hey!
- Hey!
How are you?
Actually, I think this is the best one.
The location is perfect.
Yeah, the traffic pattern's great.
Oh, and you can do a drive-through.
That's a great idea.
Hey, apologize!
Apologize!
Sorry!
That was strange.
Yeah. Anyway...
You know, that's the space.
Oh, when do we get to meet Jessica?
Uh, Jessica?
Well, actually, she, uh...
she just called me. She's sick.
She has the flu, and it's pretty bad.
But you'll meet her when we
come up to spend the day with you.
Right.
Well, we got some time to kill.
Maybe we can see your offices.
I would love to see your operation.
I read about it
in Entrepreneur Magazine.
Your father-in-law sounds
like a pretty amazing fellow.
Good idea, Jim.
Yeah, Jim, that's a great idea.
Um, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Take your time. Take your time.
Come on, Jim.
Come on in.
- Just come on...
- You're really fast.
Hey, Bill.
Um...
This is Jim and, uh, Jane.
This is my student I'm mentoring.
It's an alumni-participation program.
That's fantastic.
Nice.
We love our family
being part of the community.
You guys are family?
Well, hopefully, when Bill becomes part
of SweetSweet, it'll feel that way.
Doughnuts?
I love the chocolate-covered ones
with the vanilla.
Oh, you should visit our Madison store
when Bill and Jessica come next week.
I'd love to.
Just... Just... Just a second.
Excuse me.
Sarah, I'm really busy right now.
Donald told me
you went hunting last weekend.
Why was I intentionally excluded?
- What, you wanna kill little birds?
- It's discriminatory.
Let me tell you something.
Life is discriminatory. Deal with it.
So is this where the tour starts?
They don't give tours here.
It's against the rules.
Oh.
Well, we don't want anyone
to break the rules.
Be quiet.
Doughnuts?
I have to go back to work now.
We're supposed to spend
five hours a week together.
I'll call you.
What are you doing?
I'm fixing your head!
No, no, no!
You come down from there!
You own this place!
You can't have your face all saggy!
I'll get somebody to fix it in the morning!
Come on! Get down!
We'll go do something!
What exactly do you want
from this mentor thing?
An A.
Hey, there.
You guys need anything?
Uh, no, thank you.
Actually, uh, we do need something.
He needs a suit.
And, uh, you got anything
besides these lame plum smugglers?
I'll see what I can do.
How are you ever gonna meet
any new chicks if you don't work it?
For your information,
I'm still married.
The only way to get the old one back
is to get a new one she's jealous of.
Yeah, when you're 15.
These are cool.
A lot of guys are wearing these.
Yeah, those are cool.
Do you like to swim?
Yeah. Yeah, I like to swim.
You should come sometime.
It's great exercise,
and, you know, we can get breakfast
or something afterwards.
Well, look, you guys decide you want
any of that stuff, my name's Laura.
Just give my name at the register.
All right.
Thank you, Laura.
My brother owns this place,
so try and behave.
Wait. Wait. Uh...
"This is going to be a great program" guy
is your brother?
You own a bank. He owns this place.
Can I get the family discount?
- Let's play it by ear.
- This is a great program.
Hey, deranged fan guy. Apologize!
- Bird watching?
- Duck hunting.
No one can even tell
it's you in the video.
And, besides, you're more popular now
than ever before.
I mean, everybody loves the whole
"deranged fan, apologize" thing.
I'm glad you're amused.
What do you think would happen
to Brian Williams' career
if he were caught on tape
with someone else's wife?
Who the hell's that?
Never mind.
The point is,
it would be O-V-E-R.
Don't be dramatic, all right?
Look at Paris Hilton.
Clinton, for that matter.
This could be the thing
that gets you a national spot.
I don't know.
Maybe I should hire my own PR person.
Don't you have to go to work?
Yeah. I gotta go.
See ya.
Hello.
Hey, it's me.
Oh. What's up?
Uh, I just, uh...
I just want to know if you want me
to pick you up for dinner tomorrow night.
Yeah, that's fine.
What's that noise?
Oh, it's, uh...
Sergeant's watching TV.
Oh. How is Sarge?
Uh, he's good. You know...
You know him. He's always happy.
That's true.
Tell him I said hi.
I gotta stop by the store.
My dad said it's, like, totally amazing.
Oh, gross.
Come on.
You have a great ass.
What?
Nothing. I was just...
I was just, uh, thinking
how great your body is.
You were thinking about my butt?
It's just when you said gross...
Oh, so I said gross,
and you thought of my butt.
No. That's what you say
when you check it out sometimes.
Bill, I can see you.
What the hell are you doing?
I need some clothes.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
I'm sorry.
I just don't understand
what you see in that guy.
Stop spying on me.
I'll pick you up at 7 tomorrow night.
Tell your little friend I saw him.
The most important thing is that
you treat tomorrow like a first date.
All right? You gotta buy some new clothes,
and you're gonna bring her flowers.
It's gonna make her feel
like you really care.
- What's going on?
- We're upgrading the package.
Ahh!
What are you doing here?
Taking a shower.
Does this count as part
of the five hours per week?
Would you write me a note
so I don't get detention for being late?
No.
Hey. I guess I'll see you
after school.
I won't be there.
I have to buy some new clothes.
Sorry.
Cool. We'll go to the mall.
- Hey, Mr. Rose.
- Aren't you late for class?
Bill's signing a note for me.
Oh, really?
Um, well, that's not exactly
how it works.
You're really lucky
I don't report you.
- Come on. He's my mentor.
- Look, move it.
All right. Bill, I'll see you later.
Tuck in the shirt.
She's hot.
I'm shopping for clothes.
You need a new strategy. Y...
If your wife saw you with her,
she'd think twice
about hitting
the On the Scene news guy again.
Let's say that I buy into your theory.
Who am I gonna
go out on a date with?
Unlike you, I have a plan.
You can borrow my girlfriend.
Oh, right.
Look at him.
He needs your help.
He needs new clothes and a hot chick
to get his wife back.
I wonder who thought of that.
Come on. What?
I'll pay you a hundred bucks.
Where'd you get a hundred bucks?
I happen to have an allowance.
Fine.
I'll get him some clothes.
So that On the Scene loser's
jammin' his wife,
but he's got a date with her tonight.
Yeah, I saw the video.
What's up with his hair?
You... I can hear you.
You know,
I sold her those underwear.
- That's hot.
- I'll bet you it was his fault.
It's not my fault.
Oh, really?
When was the last pair of panties
you bought her?
I'm a fat fuck.
I love panties.
I bet you don't even know
what kind she wears.
I see it every day...
women
investing hope in underwear.
I bought you those pink furry ones.
- I returned them.
- I would never forget how sexy you are.
You know, you're kind of creepy.
- But only kind of. Right? Hey.
- Stop.
That is hot.
Thanks for helping out.
I needed the money.
You know, this would look
really hot on you.
I'm not trying on underwear for you.
What's your hang-up
with underwear?
I mean, it's just like
wearing a bathing suit.
Oh, really? Well, then,
why don't you model some for me?
I'll model for you, you come on
a date with me Friday night.
I get to choose the underwear.
All right.
Let's go.
Bill.
It's no big deal.
You ready to face my dad?
I face him every day. It'll be fine.
I'll pretend I'm sick,
and we'll leave early.
You ready?
The question is are you ready?
Yep.
I don't know.
I don't think you can handle this.
I think it might be
a little too sexy for you.
Let's see it, kid.
All right.
# Hey #
# Everybody get naked #
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
Oh, yeah! Ride the pony.
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
You know you want it. You know it.
Tap it! Tap it!
# Mercy, shake it, shake it, shake it #
You're so weird.
# I love you #
Ride the pony!
# Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Duck is perfect, Mom.
My favorite is the acorn squash.
It's in season now.
It's nice.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
I missed that one.
It's good luck.
- You have to swallow it.
- That's right. Swallow it.
It's all yours.
You can't disrespect the hunt.
Swallow it.
No.
Yes.
No.
Swallow it!
No!
Swallow it.
No!
Swallow it.
No.
Eat it!
- No!
- Swallow it, you ingrate!
John, please! We're at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, okay?
But he has absolutely no respect
for this family
and everything we've done for him.
I mean, he wouldn't even have a job
if it weren't for you!
He's executive vice president.
Executive vice president? Of what?
Human resources?
A position that we created
specifically for him!
Shut up, John!
Since Bill's been at the bank,
unemployment claims are down 41%.
That's because he never fires anyone!
And why are you defending him?
Pathetic. Unbelievable.
If you were my wife, I would leave you.
No one is leaving.
No one's leaving.
No one is leaving anyone.
I'm running for mayor.
What?
I'm announcing it at the club picnic,
and I expect all of you
to behave like a family.
Now, does everyone understand
what I'm saying? Jessica?
Yes, Daddy.
Now, who wants to get the fireworks?
I'll get them.
Just don't screw it up.
You know, when my dad
finds out you made a tape,
and it's on the internet,
he's gonna freak.
Well, maybe he won't find out.
He's running for mayor.
Mm-hmm. And I told you.
Let's get coffee.
No. No, I'm too stressed.
Come on.
It'll be a good distraction.
Yeah, all right.
It's gonna be okay. Come on.
What happened to the girl who didn't
give a shit about what anybody thought?
Where is the Jess who used to go
commando under her uniform
and flash me outside of science class,
even though Jenny Bradley
called her a slut?
And Jenny Bradley was a slut!
Bill?
Hey!
Hey!
What the heck are you doing here?
Um, just, you know,
having a little late-night coffee.
Really?
So you coming by the store tomorrow?
Uh, maybe tomorrow night after work.
Yeah?
Make sure you ask for me.
Lucy.
Yeah, exactly.
So I'll see you then.
- Lucy works at the mall, doesn't she?
- Mm-hmm.
You know what I
could really go for right now?
A doughnut.
What?
Fresh out of the oven.
Milk-chocolate icing.
Think how successful Krispy Kreme is.
Yeah. They are.
If we had one of those, we would never
have to worry about your father again.
What are you talking about?
Doughnut franchises
are extremely lucrative.
Yeah, but who the hell
wants a doughnut franchise?
Who the hell
wants a doughnut franchise?
Bill, listen, you gotta do
something about the tape.
What can I do?
Seven million teens
have probably already downloaded it.
Oh, God.
I feel sick.
I don't know what he's doing here.
It's okay. Go on.
Go on. I understand.
I don't think I can handle another
"deranged fan" with him anyway.
Are you seeing that girl?
I told you, I just met her.
She obviously likes you.
Do you like her?
She sells underwear.
She's nice.
Okay.
Okay. Bye.
What are you doing?
Pretty good, huh?
This isn't a competition, Bill.
Okay.
Oh, I gotta stop smoking that chronic.
Nice mentoring, Bill!
Roser the poser looks pissed.
He probably couldn't punch out
his algorithm this morning.
Was she jealous?
Yeah, she was.
I knew it. I knew it.
It's only a matter of time now.
- Is she coming to see the SweetSweets?
- I don't think so.
Yes, she is.
It's never gonna work.
Of course it is.
This is my wife.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise.
All righty, then.
Let's get started.
And now we put
the topping on them.
We got glazed,
chocolate, and sprinkles.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. It looked so good.
Hey, Lucy tried it, too.
- Who's Lucy?
- I don't know.
He has an imaginary friend... Lucy.
Well, we're gonna have
to throw all that away now.
I'll just take it home.
- No. That's against company policy.
- What?
- Frosting can't leave the building?
- It's a secret recipe.
All right. If you're gonna
throw it away, here. Try it.
It's good.
Ahh.
I'm not eating sugar right now.
I'll take you guys over
to the boxing section,
and then, uh,
set you up at the register.
I'll have six chocolate
and two vanilla and three cherry.
No, make that two chocolate.
She looks a little young
to be his wife.
Jane, who gives a shit,
all right?
We need to move
some of these franchises.
He could be a huge asset to us.
Don't cuss at me.
I am trying to protect
your interest also.
I'm sorry.
I just think sometimes
you have unreasonable expectations.
There you go.
Actually, I said six chocolate.
Maybe you should consider
laying off the chocolate.
Hey. He's just kidding.
He wants the chocolate ones for himself.
Okay, so that will be, uh, 8.63, please.
I already gave you a coupon
for the free dozen.
Dude, the last thing you need
is the free dozen.
There you go.
There's your change.
Have a SweetSweet day.
Bill, why do you want a doughnut store?
This place sucks.
Let me tell you something, kid.
Working sucks, okay?
Working sucks!
It doesn't matter if you're in a bank,
a department store, or a doughnut factory,
because once you've been there long enough,
the only thing you'll care about
is when your next pay increase is,
how many vacation days you've accrued,
and if your health insurance is gonna pay
for the cholesterol medicine
that keeps your heart pumping no matter
how much shit you work through it.
Then, after you've gained 20 or 30 pounds
because you're so fucking uptight all the time,
you wake up and discover
that you're working for your father-in-law
in a position with a gratuitous title,
and you're totally replaceable.
And not only is the new guy
better at your job,
but he's got a better car
and better jokes and better hair!
So no matter what you do,
you make sure you make
a lot of money doing it,
because it all sucks!
And that is one lesson I,
as your mentor, can teach you.
Whoa.
How are you?
Step right on up here.
What would you like today, my little friend?
A glazed doughnut?
Well, if you have any questions,
you can call us at home.
Okay.
Otherwise, we'll send down the paperwork
on Monday. Congratulations.
- Okay.
- Hey, Lucy has to be home by 6.
Who's Lucy?
His imaginary friend.
- All right, then. We'll talk Monday.
- All right.
Take care.
Bye.
So are these for, like,
baby announcements?
Aah!
You think that's funny?
Come on. Bring them on.
Oh, yeah?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Come on!
No guts!
Look at my little friend.
Damn, my thumb!
I lost my thumb!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where's your thumb?
Where's your thumb?
Lucy, you guys, help him find his thumb!
You guys, where is his thumb?
It's just ketchup.
You're dead.
Oh! Oh, my God! No!
# Let it loose #
# Let it loose #
# It's modern man #
Okay, so, uh,
let's take two of those boxes,
five of the Froggers,
two of the big fountains,
a couple dozen of those, uh,
crackers, and, uh, some rockets.
That'll be good.
Do you have a bathroom here?
- Uh, yeah, it's in the back.
- Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Double that.
Dude, you want insane?
Try the Crack Pipe
and the k-k-k-k-k-k... yaah...
Hyper Coaster.
Right on.
You know what?
Pack those together
so he won't know.
I'm excited.
You excited? Get excited.
I'm excited.
I think you have a thing
for Miss SweetSweet.
I do?
Yeah. I don't know.
It seemed like...
She hates me.
I don't know.
She was so...
- Seemed like she was kind of into you.
- She's insane.
Oh, really?
Tasting her chocolate.
That was hysterical.
You know what?
Thanks for coming along.
No problem. You know, I, uh...
I actually had a pretty good time.
What can I say? I'm fun.
I am.
Congratulations, man.
Yeah? Well, I still have to convince Jess
to buy into a doughnut franchise.
You already did all the work.
Just tell her how much cash she makes.
All she has to do
is sign a piece of paper.
Jess doesn't do anything
without her father's permission.
She sounds lame, man.
Give that to me.
# Young and useless #
# Just a surprise #
# Wasting away #
# What we're doing this time #
# Yes, these are #
# The best days of our lives #
Laura. Laura.
Laura, can we climb your wall?
# And I feel #
# Real #
- # Cool #
- Bill.
Hey, Bill, apologize!
Apologize!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh!
What are you, high?
Would you get down?
Bring 'em down.
What are you, high?
Hey, "This is going to be
a great program" guy.
# Everything's all right #
I just scored on myself.
Watch this. Watch this one.
Laura, watch closely.
Hey, Paul, you wanna play?
Come on. We'll kick your ass.
Oh, Jesus. Everything has to be
a competition with you, doesn't it?
Oh! We're just having fun.
I'm serious.
That's why Chip Johnson
and the whole acorn thing
drive you so crazy.
Take it easy, Rose Man.
It's just air hockey, okay, Paul?
Really? Well, it's in the pool as well.
Just take him home.
Take him home.
To his house or to our house?
Okay, don't start, okay?
Sergeant, forget it.
Please, I can take a hint.
Roser the poser
can't handle a competition.
Bill...
No, really.
I don't need to live with you guys.
Come on.
- I don't know why you said that.
- Can't you see that's his problem?
His life is falling apart.
Where's your sympathy?
You always take his side.
He's my brother. For obvious reasons,
he's having an identity crisis.
Remember what that feels like?
Cheers, kid.
Cheers, Bill.
Off the wall. Hook shot.
You suck.
You suck.
You know, I have to turn in a paper
on banking to get my final grade.
Does it cover the variables
of office basketball?
Very impressive.
I'm just surprised he's not
paying someone to write it for him.
Maybe he should stop paying people
to write papers for him.
Cheap shot.
Bill's right.
You know, it's only money.
Not if you're the one making it. Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing here?
l... I came to see my dad.
Um, then I just thought I'd stop by.
What's going on?
Nothing.
l... I was gonna see if you were doing
anything later tonight, um,
and you are.
You're busy, so...
Why don't you hang out?
No, thanks. l...
No, I have to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You suck.
You suck.
You both suck.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
Can you drive around
for just a little bit longer?
No, I can't.
All right. Yeah.
We'll go back to your place, then.
I'm dropping you off.
What? What? Come on. Come on.
You gotta let me sleep over.
Like, I'm not kidding.
Please, dude,
you gotta do this for me.
You have to.
She'll call one of her friends.
She's calling one of her friends right now.
She's doing it.
You've only had sex with one person
your entire life.
Would you sh...
Now, you can change that.
Tonight, right now.
Mm-hmm.
You can change it.
Cool tent.
Thanks.
So do you live here for real?
Yeah. Um, temporarily.
Hey, do you get any, like,
wild animals out here?
We're in a backyard.
All right. Hey, take this.
Now be careful.
That's White Widow.
It's really strong.
It's good. Trust me.
Put on some music.
Come on, we're dancing.
Get up. Come on.
Get up. Give me your hand.
Lucy? Lucy, my hand.
Take my hand, Lucy.
Get up.
Bill, dance. Come on.
Hold on.
Come on, Bill. Get up.
Come on, Bill. Come on.
Come on, Billy.
Come on.
Bill, dance with us.
He'll be sorry.
Whoo-hoo!
# I am the storm #
# I am the wonder #
# I am the flashlight #
# I twist, sudden explosion #
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
What's going on out there?
Let him have some fun.
It's 10:30.
Go do some sit-ups.
No.
Do not tell him. It's a secret.
Wait. Wait.
I have a really good secret.
I got fake boobs.
No way. You slut.
I know!
I love that bra.
And then the matching panties
with the little bows at the sides.
Oh, my God.
Fucking sweet.
Can I touch 'em?
Of course.
Oh, my God.
Me, too.
Mm-mm.
What?
Oh, my God.
Bill, don't you wanna touch these?
Don't you wanna feel them?
They look nice.
Come on.
Come on. Just once.
What are you doing?
Making coffee.
Put some pants on.
You look like a Froot Loop.
It's actually pretty comfortable.
Don't you have school?
It's Saturday.
The picnic.
Don't worry, I'm making the coffee.
Jesus.
Ugh!
Again.
Always stick close to me.
When I'm walking, you always
have to be close to me.
You guys, we gotta
get Jess out of here.
Sarah brought Jim and Jane.
Come on.
Jess?
I said 50 yards.
This doesn't concern you.
I can't believe you have
the nerve to bring her here.
- Sir, you're gonna have to step back.
- It's not what it looks like, Jessica.
Let go of me.
Meet me at the back entrance.
Back... Okay. Come on,
Lucy, let's go. Come on.
Hi. I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna check on security.
Get in.
Your order said 50 yards.
Um, could I have everyone's attention,
please, ladies and gentlemen?
Ladies and gentlemen. Ahem.
It's almost time for me to introduce
my father, Mr. John Jacobi.
Right. But first I'd like to,
uh, take a quick look back
to the year 1902.
As legend has it, there wasn't even
a road that, uh, would get you here,
and once you did get here, well,
there wasn't that much to see.
It was only through our family's
perseverance and foresight that we were...
What's going on?
Bill!
Bill!
That was fucking awesome.
Did you see the crack pipe?
Yes, I saw the crack pipe.
What I want to know
is how it got in my car.
You gotta admit it was
the highlight of the show.
If I could stand up straight, I'd kill you.
I gotta get some of those
crack pipes for homecoming.
Why don't you focus
on something productive?
Having fun is productive.
Let's get out of here.
You look like shit.
Wanna stop at Big Bun?
I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah, let's do that.
I'll take a double supreme,
large fries, and a soda.
No, I don't want
to stop at the Big Bun.
I'm just kidding.
You're not still mad about
the crack pipe, are you?
Shut up and drive.
Asshole!
#... never wanna say good night #
# There's nothing left to say #
# Before we go #
# We will sing #
# That we're all in love with you #
I'm gonna go check in.
You wait in the lobby.
Okay.
You haven't
figured one thing out.
I've got one or two in there.
No, you don't.
Thanks for coming.
I don't mind.
See? You like hanging out with me.
Of course
I like hanging out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, your obsession with women's
underwear is kind of creepy.
There's nothing creepy about that.
You're kind of a stalker.
Here, I've been meaning
to give that to you.
Whoa. What's this for?
You don't have to pay me
to be your friend.
I want to be.
Thanks.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
I gotta go check up on Bill.
All right.
Whoa. Whoa.
Just friends.
I get it.
Okay.
- I get it.
- Okay.
Hey.
Sneaky little shit.
Oh, my God.
Will you put that thing away?
You're gonna break it. Oh.
Hey. Thank God you called.
The entire club
is out looking for you.
The fourth hole is totally on fire.
I heard.
My father had to
cancel his announcement.
He's furious. I don't know
what I'm gonna tell him this time.
You know what?
We've spent enough time
worrying about your father.
The truth is I don't care
what he thinks about me.
Bill...
No.
Did you know that every
single day all I can think about
is how much I hate working for him?
I should've said something
a long time ago.
Before this whole Chip Johnson thing.
He's a total action news idiot.
What? The guy's an idiot.
He's right. He is an idiot.
Fine, he's an idiot.
But then, so what?
This whole doughnut thing
is a new career?
Oh, God, Jim and Jane.
They're going to think I'm insane.
Yeah, they were a little confused
when I told them I was your wife.
Well, that's because I had
to tell them that you're Lucy,
or Lucy was you, so that they
would get the deal done,
but I don't think I have
a doughnut franchise in my future.
Jess...
I love you.
But our lives suck.
Can I give you a ride?
No. I have one.
Ohh...
I'd like to tender my resignation,
effective immediately.
And I know my opinion
is of little consequence to you,
but, uh...
I think hunting defenseless
animals for sport is...
it's wrong.
Oh.
And, uh, John Jr. was right.
I don't belong here.
You know what? I would have
done exactly the same thing
to that Chip Johnson fellow.
Good luck to you, Bill.
Thank you, sir.
Hi. They're waiting for you.
...there is, we're on the corner...
Hi.
Your wife was just sharing
some of her ideas with us.
Well, every partnership
has its up and downs.
The important thing
is that you're able to stick it out.
I don't think we've ever seen anyone
so committed to getting
one of our franchises.
We did it.
You did it.
You look great.
Are you happy?
I am happy.
I am happy.
But not because of the doughnuts.
You know, before you got here,
I was going to tell them
I didn't want the franchise anymore.
I think you should keep it.
Why?
Because I don't think
this is the life that I want.
I don't want
to be the doughnut guy.
I don't want to be the bank guy.
Quite frankly, I'm kind of...
sick of being the deranged fan guy.
Okay.
You can be whoever you want.
Hey.
It's your grade.
I can't believe you're not
going to mentor me anymore.
Kid, you don't need a mentor.
You got it all figured out.
Sometimes. But hey, I'm still
going to miss hanging out with you.
I'll miss you, too, kid.
But listen to me,
and this is important.
I don't want you to float through life
pretending nothing matters
because trust me, one day
you're going to wake up,
and you're going to realize
you don't have the life you wanted.
You understand?
I understand, Bill.
Good. All right, I have to go.
Where are you going?
I don't know,
but I'm excited to find out.
Thanks, kid.
Can I come visit?
Check your locker.
Are you excited?
Holy shit.
# I know it's easier
to give up your dreams #
# And to be yourself
is harder than it seems #
# How can I change the world
if I can't change myself? #
# I guess the only thing I can do
is take the first step #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# I know the world is cruel
to the dreamer's heart #
# And to find yourself alone
is the hardest part #
# How can I save the world
if I can't save myself? #
# I guess my own two hands #
# Are the only thing I can count on now #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# And all this time I looked outside #
# For all the things I had inside #
# And now my fears just disappear #
# I'm gonna go on building #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #