Meet My Valentine (2015) Movie Script

( waves crashing )
Mr. Bishop?
Mr. Bishop, we really
need you to stay still.
( machine humming )
( humming stops )
- Okay.
-( girl giggling )
This is gonna be good.
Daddys trying to rest.
( giggles )
Thats it.
Ive had all
I can stands,
and I cant stands
no more!
( Phoebe laughs )
Daddy, put me down!
You want to wrassle
with "King Crazy Hair,"
this is what you get!
Whats "wrassling"?
Whats wrassling?
This is wrassling!
Im dizzy!
( sighs )
Me, too.
Hey, I have
a speech tonight.
You want to come
pick out my tie?
Probably a good idea
to wait for the room
to stop spinning, right?
- Uh-huh.
- ( chuckles )
Phoebe picked this
out for me,
and I managed
to tie it myself.
Trash is full.
Can you take out
the trash?
But I just
finished getting--
Dressed, and you
look great as usual,
and I am late.
As usual.
Yeah. Great.
Were on the same page.
Uh, only 10 more years
till Phoebe goes
to college.
We can do this,
right? Bye.
( sighs )
Its not the artists job
to reflect nature.
The camera on my iPhone
can do that.
The artists job
is to take nature
and wrap it
in a beautiful little bow
and present it in a way
that even my agent
can understand.
( laughter )
That might have
hurt his feelings
if he were
listening to anything
Im saying right now.
You are all
blank canvases
sitting in front
of blank canvases,
and what could be
more exciting than that?
Creation itself
is in your hands.
Every stroke counts.
Thank you all very much,
and keep painting.
( applause )
Coming through.
- ( ringing )
- Ah, fiddlesticks.
- What is it?
- Can you get the...?
- Man: Oh, jeez.
- ( ringing )
- ( phone beeps )
- Hello?
Uh, uh-huh...?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Im sorry.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, Ive got
Michael manning your pot.
( winces )
- Ow. Ooh.
- Here.
But listen.
Hey, do you think
you could
find it in your heart
to come in?
( scoffs )
Dinner was
supposed to be 13--
now 14 minutes ago,
and we are still
on hors doeuvres.
You are ruining
my sons graduation.
Youre ruining it!
( timer beeping )
Gotta go.
Well, at least
the clients happy.
Thats whats important.
( moans )
Listen, are you gonna
be okay here for a second?
Im gonna go
talk to her.
- Im good.
- Okay.
You know, she was
at the lecture.
Was she?
Are you
all right, Tom?
Im fine.
Because as much
as I appreciate these checks
from the college gigs,
Im still waiting for--
Youll get it
when its finished
and not
a second sooner.
Could you give me a hint?
Is it 80% there?
( sighs )
Well, youre
getting warm.
are you gonna stay
for dessert?
Im a happily
married man.
Theres no such thing
as a happily married man.
( sizzling )
Phoebe: Uncle Mac,
youre here!
Hes always here.
Go have a seat,
cause Im about
to rock your world.
( Phoebe giggles )
Howd he convince you
to let him touch
the stove?
He wanted to pull
his weight.
Maybe he can
keep pulling it
all the way to
a new apartment.
Val, you know I would
move out if I could,
but theres nothing.
literally nothing
thats available.
Oh... ah.
Theres a lot of lies
on the Internet, Val.
- Im gonna get her juice.
- Val: Mm-hmm.
Need you to show me
how to do that map
thing on my phone.
Im going
to Century City
to look at that
The one that Michael
wanted me to see.
Thought we talked
about this already.
Im just gonna look.
She hardly sees you
as it is.
Fine. You have
the GPS thingy
in your car?
No, cause I
have my phone.
The last time you used
the map on your phone,
you got a call,
and you ended up
in Temecula.
Thats good.
Im taking that
for my act.
Okay. Put the GPS
in my car.
Do you know
how to use it?
I will figure it out.
I will program it for you.
As a matter of fact,
I will draw you a map
just as a backup.
Its called "helping,"
Val, not "controlling."
- Mm-hmm.
- What happened
to your hand?
Its fine, Tom.
- Bye, Mommy!
- Bye, baby!
( dripping )
It is
the perfect spot, Val.
The kitchen
hardly needs any work.
I mean, it is--
it is ready to go.
- ( drips )
- Just a leak.
Easy fix.
Duct tape.
Oh, Michael...
Okay, uh,
and yesterday.
Remember yesterday when
we were walking through
the seventh level of hell?
- You remember that?
- ( laughs )
Were better than that.
Youre better than
just being a caterer.
Every great chef, right,
needs her own restaurant.
Look! A chandelier!
Tom and I
had an agreement.
It was
my decision, too.
I know how much
being a mom means to you,
but I also see your eyes
when youre working.
- You love it.
- ( laughs )
You do.
Val, look,
I believe in you.
( sighs )
I want to be
your partner.
Lets show the world.
Lets-- lets show
your daughter what we can do!
- All right!
- ( groans )
( cork pops )
( laughs )
Here it comes.
To the queen
of the kitchen.
Thank you. Cheers.
Cheers, my friend.
( laughs )
So hows Tom feeling
about all this?
I havent
told him yet.
Because he
wouldnt understand.
All right.
Well, you know,
that sounds...
really bad.
This really sucks.
( chuckles )
When did you know
things were starting
to be a little bit...
between you and Jake?
when his first mistress
got into a fight
with his second mistress
at my daughters
Oh, yeah,
good times. Mm.
What is going on
with you?
- Nothing, nothing.
- What?
No, its just, um,
things have
been a little bit
cold lately, and...
Do you think
its possible to still
be in love with someone,
but fall--
Fall out of like?
Yes. Its like,
do I love my husband?
Hes my husband,
but sometimes hes--
Oh, yeah. I know.
But men suck.
- Hi, girls!
- Hey.
- Hi!
- Hey, munchkin.
Hanson Carters new
music video comes on
in five minutes.
- Yeah.
- Hanson Carter!
Its gonna be
totally awesome.
You want to go upstairs
and watch it?
- Yes.
- Yes!
Okay. Okay.
The babysitters
gonna be here soon.
Just wow.
That was-- Ive
been watching you
for 15 minutes, Tom.
You should
sell tickets.
This is--
its like
watching someone
tend a Buddhist garden.
You are a genius.
Is it 5:00 already?
People say I dont
do anything all day.
- Ladies?
- Brynn: Oh, my stars!
Is that
the Tom Bishop?
I thought you did
paid appearances now,
big shot.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi, Brynn.
I got these for you.
Which is a joke
I thought would be funnier.
You guys ready to go?
Hes way funnier
Well, that remains
to be seen.
I mean, I have
40 laughs. Brynn, 40--
Im managing
Very smooth.
-40 laughs.
- Brynn: Please tell me they
serve alcohol at this place.
Well, they better.
Youre going in
on the restaurant,
arent you?
I wanted to talk
to you about that.
I think it would be
a great opportunity
for us--
for all of us.
Well, I couldnt
have talked you
out of it anyway.
But in this case,
I think youre
out of your league.
And that,
ladies and gentlemen,
is why you never date
a pediatrician.
My time is up.
Thanks, everyone.
Everybody give it up
for Chet Chaney, man.
Come on, one more
round of applause
for Chet Chaney.
I hate this guy.
Hate him.
Is this the guy
that Tammy--
I thought
you were over her.
Oh, I dont care
about Tammy. Its Dale.
He was my little guy,
and we were gonna
raise him together,
and now because she
doesnt want me anymore,
I gotta deal
with the fact
that this guy
is gonna be the one
tucking him in at night,
that hes gonna be
the one that looks
at him as a father?
Its too much, man.
Its too much.
Come on. So you ready
for this next comic?
Dale was your dog,
I think I just got
the light. Im, uh--
- lets go do this.
- Okay.
- Break a leg.
- Brynn: How is Mac funny?
I mean, Ive not seen
him funny one time.
- I dont get it.
- Hmm.
Nothing. Nothing.
Do you think
Im out of my league?
With the restaurant,
I mean?
Oh, honey.
Youre in the majors,
and the rest of us
are just playing
intramural field hockey.
( feet tapping )
When you say things like that,
I could just kiss you.
Oh, well, at least wait
till I get to the bar
so I can get some
free drinks out of it.
- Oh.
- ( chuckles )
But, um, this guy
is nowhere near
as funny as the last dude,
but, hey, hes here,
so everybody give a--
a small clap for...
Mac Brown.
( applause )
Uh, its a pleasure
to be here.
You almost
missed Mac.
The first thing I noticed
as I look around the room
is we have ladies here.
I just like to take
a moment up front and
apologize to the ladies.
Ladies, Im sorry
Im not better-looking.
I wish I was
a really good-looking guy.
I would take my shirt off,
-dance around.
Youd all be very excited.
- ( applause )
I had a conversation
with this girl once.
Cause I found out
when she was in college,
she spent a semester
in Ireland.
I said to this girl,
"When you were in Ireland,
were you with
a lot of guys?"
And her answer was,
"Dont worry about it."
And that is not
a very good answer.
That is not
what you want to hear.
Because women have
a particular kind of math
when it comes
to hooking up, right?
If she says "two,"
it probably means five.
If she says "five,"
it probably means 10.
And if she says
"Dont worry about it,"
it means theyre singing
folk songs about her.
- ( laughter )
-In Ireland, as we speak--
There is a statue
of her in Dublin
the boys touch for good luck
when they turn 13.
( cheering )
I try to date, you know.
I date a lot.
Okay, not a lot,
but I try to...
( scanner humming )
Four to six months,
you can expect
the first signs to show,
usually, uh, tremors
in the hands and feet,
then a relatively
quick decline
in motor skills,
followed by agnosia,
or the loss of ability
to recognize people,
places, words, et cetera.
Now, the usual
course of action
would be to operate,
but, um...
the particular placement
being what it is,
Im afraid surgery
is not an option,
Mr. Bishop.
How much time?
Its hard to predict
with tumors.
How much time?
Nine months,
a year at most.
Well, then Ill have
my nurse schedule
your first round
of chemotherapy
for tomorrow.
We need to begin
as soon as possible.
In the meantime,
Id like to talk
about your diet.
Uh, not insofar
as how itll affect
your prognosis,
but rather how itll
help you tolerate
the chemotherapy.
( knock on door )
Since when
do you knock?
What are you
doing, Mac?
All right, I knew
this wasnt for me.
of the Heart."
Guy at the bookstore
said it is the best
"your-friend-is-dying" book
for under $10.
( laughs )
I-Im sorry. I was--
I was just trying to help.
I know.
Seriously, though,
how are you?
Im fine.
Hows Val?
She doesnt know,
not yet.
Okay, not yet,
as in youre waiting
to see if theres a cure?
Theres no cure.
All right, listen, Tom,
I am the last guy
who should be
giving out advice.
I mean, I spend $200
a month on comic books.
But you gotta tell her.
No, not yet.
The second
Val finds out
about this,
this whole thing
becomes emotional,
and I dont have time
for emotion. Not now.
I have a plan.
And I need to stay
focused on that right now.
So I was thinking
about our conversation
the other night--
about Dale.
- My dog?
- Someday soon, I will be...
- Tom--
- ...gone.
- Tom--
- And when I am,
Valentine is gonna look
for someone new.
And that person
is going to become...
Phoebes dad.
Hes going to have
breakfast at my
kitchen table,
and sleep
in my bed,
and watch my little girl
grow up.
Hes going to teach her
how to drive a car.
She doesnt even know
how to ride a bike yet.
Im not gonna be here
for that.
There are a thousand
of those things
that I am not gonna
get a chance to see.
I dont know
how to face this,
knowing that the person
who might become her dad
isnt good enough.
I need to have a say
in who raises
my daughter.
Tom, Im--
Im honored.
I mean, listen,
I always thought Val was hot,
so thats not
gonna be a problem,
but for you to think Id be
a good father for Phoebe,
- I mean, I just--
- Not you.
Fair enough.
Im going to find
my own replacement.
Is this what your meeting
was about today?
-Because if so...
- No, no.
This is just
something Mac
came up with.
Yeah, right,
it was my idea.
You know,
its, uh, funny.
Its for my
YouTube channel.
So, okay, let me
get this straight.
You want to put
pictures of me
- Mm-hmm.
And then
when guys come...
- Then Mac
jumps out and--
- Filming. I film.
the whole things
being filmed,
- like "Candid Camera"
or one of those--
- Yeah, hilar--
- itll be hilarious.
- Its supposed to be funny.
We havent figured out
all-- the ending of it--
Theres things,
but Ill be funny.
youre not gonna use
any of the vacation photos?
What? No.
Okay. Well, then...
I mean, do what you want.
I mean, nobody watches
that stupid channel anyway.
- No offense.
- None taken.
You know, this whole thing
isnt like you...
like, at all.
people change.
Mm-hmm. Not usually.
All right.
Gonna need name.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
What, are you nuts?
Dont use
her real name.
All right, fine.
An alias,
give me an alias.
I like Nina,
Nina Blair.
Nina. Okay.
Its a sexy spy name.
That works.
Nina Blair.
Okay, pic.
Need a picture.
Okay, here.
Another one...
- Uh...
- Okay, look.
Here, this one.
Right there.
Not a chance. No.
Look how much skin
shes showing.
Too much skin?
Tom, Ive seen
Amish women
in less than that.
Theyre gonna
want to see what
she looks like, okay?
Theyre dudes.
- Fine, fine.
Use that one.
- Okay. All right.
Oh, and one more thing
before I forget--
this is
a stupid idea!
Now, interests.
( keyboard clicking )
( birds chirping )
Thats just
something stupid
Lexi left.
Oh, yeah?
Did Lexi do this, too?
Thats what I thought.
Ready to go
pick out breakfast?
- Tom: Well?
- Phoebe: Not yet.
That one...
looks like pancakes.
I see oatmeal.
Nope. Its pancakes
with chocolate chips.
( chuckles )
Those are huge
chocolate chips.
( rattling )
Its not
science, Daddy.
- Its cooking.
- I know.
Mommy doesnt
She doesnt give you
chocolate chips
while shes doing it
Sugar is her
secret ingredient.
Oh, yeah?
You talk to Mom a lot.
Does she ever tell you
about things that she likes?
Like, I dont know--
books or TV--
outside stuff?
Are you making
a "hot list"?
What is that?
Its from the magazine.
A hot list is a list
of things that someone
thinks is hot.
Its really cool.
Hanson Carter thinks
Xbox, snowboarding,
and Iron Man are hot.
Yeah, okay.
So if I was making
a "hot list" for Mom,
what do you think
might be on it?
I dont know.
Ask Mom. Duh.
( chuckles )
Esteban, you know
I dont like
the word no
for an answer!
Well, then let me say it
again in Spanish. No!
Ha, thats clever.
Um, what if I told you
that we had
Val Bishop on board?
Id ask if you
got her drunk.
I am totally sober,
come on, please!
Just take one chance
in your life.
( sighs )
My wifes
gonna kill me.
Um, Esteban, I think you
made a very wise decision,
and Val and I
will not let you down,
and we are
super excited,
and well send you
paperwork tomorrow,
and Im gonna
get off the phone now
before you
change your mind.
Bye. Thank you.
- ( phone beeps )
- What?!
Im sweating.
- Youre sweating?
- Yes.
Youre sweating
because youre nervous,
and now we have good news.
And this is great news,
because between you and me
and Esteban, right,
were gonna
have the best menu,
the best restaurant.
This is gonna be
frickin amazing.
Now we just have
to think of a name.
I thought we decided
on, uh... "Michaels."
Oh, right, right.
You were also flying
when you were having
that dream, right?
Fair enough. Fair enough.
Do we have an opening date?
- March?
- Opening month.
Were gonna miss
Valentines Day.
Michael, its better,
because, God, remember
when we used
to work at Maurys?
Oh, yeah, Maury.
He would say that "V-Day
was like D-Day..."
( together )
"Only vurse!"
- Thats right.
- Yeah.
So, you know,
its too crazy.
Plus, you know,
as Tom says,
Valentines Day is
just a "made-up holiday
so lesser artists
can sell greeting cards."
( whistles )
What a romantic.
I truly believe
that this place is
gonna be so much better,
and I also think
that Im the luckiest guy
in the world
to have you as a partner
to do this with.
You. Oh, I--
- I feel the same way.
- Good.
Um, I gotta go.
( sighs, squeals )
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
( distant siren wails )
( voices overlapping )
( speaking faintly )
( speaking faintly )
( sighs )
( sighs )
When I said
we needed chairs
for the restaurant...
- Spring-loaded.
- Yes, it is. Okay.
Lets, uh, go back
to the warehouse,
and we will start
all over. Cool?
You got it, man.
Hey, Tom.
- Hey, its Michael, right?
- Thats right,
and you got it
on the first try
this time.
- ( chuckles )
- ( laughs )
Shes in the back.
Follow me.
( speaking Spanish )
S, pero...
gluten-free flour?
-Veinticinco pounds.
- Val, someones here
to see you.
I dont-- Im all
out of my Spanish.
I dont know if Im
getting a discount
or buying his boat.
Yeah, its-- its Tom.
S, but...
necesito veinte cajas
de tomates
y diez cajas
de lechuga...
- See you, Tom.
- Hey, you, too.
pero organic,por favor.
Uh, cebollas tambin.
Gracias. Bye.
- Hey!
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
I just realized today
that I havent
visited you
at work in a while.
So I figured
Id stop by
and say hello.
Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought maybe
we could go
grab a cup
of coffee.
how is work coming?
You made any progress
on the painting?
I havent really thought
about it all that much.
- Hmm.
- What about you?
Hows-- hows
the restaurant coming?
Its good.
Um, okay.
How is it good?
Its... fine.
I mean, I like it--
I like it.
I dont--
Im trying to...
catch up with you,
and I dont--
apparently, I dont
know how to do it.
Okay. Well, um...
what would you
like to talk about?
- ( clatters )
- Oh, fiddlesticks.
No idea.
- ( groans )
- Just leave it.
So hows that
fake dating project
with Mac going?
its progressing slowly.
Its Mac.
- Mm-hmm.
- So...
still working on it.
Sounds painful.
It has its moments.
( sighs )
- ( both laugh )
- Val: It...
- You said that.
- Yeah.
( both laugh )
- Fiddlesticks?
- Yeah.
( laughter on TV )
- TV host: So was it crazy...
- ( sighs )
Man on TV: Things, you know,
dont change in that
department, uh...
( host laughs )
Your wife is--
your wifes gonna be
listening to this.
-My wife appreciates
the fact...
- 104?
104 winks in an hour.
Come on.
Lets make our picks.
Tom, I-- I cant--
Im working.
What? This is
how comedians work.
Think I want to eat
pizza and watch TV?
TV host:
Yeah, any stalkers?
All right, fine.
I needed a break anyway.
- Ahem.
- Lets go.
( snickers )
( laughing )
Oh, youre lucky
you had a clip-on
at our wedding.
And youre lucky
that Phoebe and Lexi
gave me a 10-minute
sleepover mommy break.
- ( sighs )
- Ooh...
You really
going through
with this?
It seems like
a fun idea.
See, thats
what I mean.
That is not
the Tom I know.
You never
dress up for me,
and Mac asks you to,
and suddenly
youre Dapper Dan.
Something up?
What do you mean?
I dont know.
Im not sure
whats really going on,
but, um...
sometimes when people
drift apart, uh...
sometimes when people
drift apart,
the distance isnt as big
as you imagine it to be.
Did we drift apart?
Little bit.
But I like this.
I like that youre
interested in me
all of a sudden.
I like that we went
to coffee, but I--
I like
that you like it.
Why do I get the feeling
like youre hiding something?
Something really bad.
This ones new.
- Hmm?
- This.
Uh, no.
Phoebe gave it to me
last Mothers Day.
Its a paintbrush.
"So youll always
have Daddy around."
( sighs )
Everythings under control,
Val, like always.
I have to go.
( music playing )
- Oh, hey, here he is.
- All right.
( phone camera chimes )
What are you doing?
Youre actually
gonna film this?
Go get him, tiger.
Make this happen.
- Man: Hey.
- Hey
Can I get
a bourbon neat?
Just well is fine.
( sighs )
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Im saving that
for somebody.
I know.
Nina, right?
Youre Dan,
youre here
to meet Nina.
And this is what I get
for trying new things--
- lunatics.
- No, no, no, no.
Listen, Im Nina.
Just back away.
Whoa. Obviously,
Im not Nina.
I mean, Nina
isnt even Nina.
Nina is Valentine.
- Get out of my way.
- Hang on, please,
Im not some freaky,
weird guy here.
- Just hear me out,
okay, Dan?
- Mm-hmm.
- My name is Tom.
- Mm-hmm.
is my wife,
and I think you might
be perfect for her.
( grunts )
( groans )
Believe it or not,
this is the best date
Ive ever been on
Stop that.
- And cut.
-( phone chimes )
Want to see the--
want to see the punch?
- I dont want
to see the punch.
- Slow motion.
You deserved it.
Chemo? Really?
Why did you think
doing this by yourself
was a good idea?
All right? Do you know
how dumb you have to be
for me to be the
responsible one, Tom?
Monumentally dumb!
Thats how dumb
you have to be.
Val should be there
with you, okay?
I need to spend
more time with her.
Okay, good, okay.
This is what
Im saying, yes--
So I can
find better matches
Youre still a lunatic.
Gotta get
the profile perfect, Mac.
Shes at the park
right now with Phoebe.
Listen, Tom,
I did two semesters
of psychology
at Trenton State, okay?
This is what we call
"classic avoidance."
I am not taking you
to the park.
Brynn is with them.
Ill be honest, Val.
It all sounds
Yeah, I was worried
youd say that.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
this is
gonna sound weird,
but as big
as the pit is
in my stomach
right now,
Im actually
enjoying him.
Is that weird?
Well, then I guess
youll just have to decide.
Are you waiting
on a bad surprise
or a good surprise?
( sighs )
Daddy! Daddy!
So we-- we asked
the park ranger
where the prettiest
flowers were,
and he said it was
you guys-- girls.
Thought you
had a meeting.
- Huh?
- Meeting.
With Biron.
Oh, right.
Yeah, he had to cancel.
come play with me
on the playground.
Uh, Daddys feeling
a little tired, baby.
Ill be over
in a few minutes.
Ill play with you,
Well, are you
coming or not?
So you gotta show em
how its done.
Hes really bad.
Hes really...
- Mac: Im not bad.
- All right, all right.
You okay?
You dont look so good.
Oh, God--
are you smoking again?
No, no.
Im not smoking again.
Just-- Im just
tired, is all.
Still havent taken down
that awful fence.
Oh, thats right.
Thats right.
This is
"the most aesthetically
unappealing park
in Los Angeles."
Just because
you say it that way
doesnt mean
it isnt true.
What are you
doing here?
Do you remember
in college
when you were
on the all-girls
bowling team?
Well, whatever
happened to that?
( chuckles )
( laughs )
Do you still bowl?
Have you seen me
bowl lately?
We should bowl.
- We should bowl?
- Mm-hmm.
Lets go bowling.
Now I see why
you quit bowling.
You stink.
But Im winning,
so that means
you stink...
More than you do.
But these are-- these
are artists hands.
Theyre not meant
for bowling.
Oh, no.
( groans )
All right,
last frame.
( claps )
- Last chance for glory.
- Okay.
Do something
special, Val.
( Tom gasps )
- Ah!
- Whoo!
( laughs )
Now that
is more like it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
You bowl
one more strike,
I have to make out
with you when we
get to the car.
And if I dont
bowl a strike?
Never mind.
I love bowling
all of a sudden.
Looks like
Im buying pizza, huh?
Not while
were bowling.
Whats the matter with you?
Greases up the fingers.
So, Glen, what else do
you do besides bowling?
Oh, you want to chat
a little bit,
share our feelings?
Is that what you
want to do?
Because Im here
to bowl, okay?
I let you talk me
into this date.
Ill be damned if Im gonna
let you ruin my bowling.
Step over there.
Youre all up on my back.
Get-- sit down.
Sit down.
Dusting off the sun
in my eyes
in warm, blue skies
Well, Im...
A million miles away...
( laughs )
that was funny.
Really funny.
( silent )
Tom, listen.
is officially...
20 minutes late.
Hes not gonna
make the tasting.
Take me
to the wine tasting.
I drink the wine
for free.
-Its not a date.
- Mm-mm.
Its just me
drinking wine.
Its not
that big a deal.
- Tom.
- ( sighs )
Wheres he going?
Hey, uh,
you know where I can get
some condoms around here?
You look nothing
like your picture.
43? Really?
Thats the age
you go with?
So show me
where your love is
Is "yoga" Greek
for difficult?
Its Greek for
"youre a baby."
Down. Sink lower.
Oh... no, thank you.
( laughs )
You are smoking again,
arent you?
Not smoking,
just old.
All right.
Got an easy one
for you, "old man."
Chair pose.
Plant your feet,
sit into it.
Up. Hands up.
Chair pose is good.
A million miles away
So show me
where your love is...
You know,
were all dying.
Your speech was moving,
but, dude, imagine
the dinosaurs.
Yoga one day,
extinct the next.
- Dinosaurs doing yoga?
They werent
promised tomorrow.
Neither were we.
What is the best way
to make God laugh, Tom?
Best way
to make God laugh
is to make a plan.
That said,
your wife is
smoking crazy hot,
so if your offer
is a real one,
you can--
you can tell her
she just found
a brand-new
downward-facing dog.
I dont think Cindy ever
really even loved him.
I think
she was just doing it
for the publicity.
Daddy, you always
think the worst.
Maybe it just
didnt work out.
Didnt work out
with who?
Who are you
talking about?
- Hanson...
- Carter.
- Tom, Phoebe: Duh.
- Val: Oh.
You know what?
Why dont you just
ask him yourself?
When would I ever
get to meet Hanson?
Well, his mall tour
starts next week
at our mall...
on Valentines Day...
and youre going!
( laughing )
( whispers )
I read about it
in "Teen Scene."
- "Teen Scene"?
Oh, my God!
- I have to go call Lexi.
- Okay!
- Phoebe: Yeah!
- Tom: Go call Lexi.
-Daddy, thank you!
- Youre welcome!
( silent )
Good, right?
Eh, pretty good.
We should-- what?
Huh? Whats...
- What...?
- Okay, hear me out.
I know you hate
Valentines Day
because of
your name and--
Its not
because of my name.
You try making 900
orders of tortellini
in two hours.
But can I at least
get you to agree
to go on a date
with me on the 14th?
Phoebes gonna be
at the concert.
I talked to Brynn.
Shes gonna take her,
which gives us the night.
( thunder rumbling )
You never want
to do anything.
Neither do you.
You want to take me out
for Valentines Day?
Im not gonna lie.
I am confused, but...
I am going with it.
How do you do that?
Do what?
Let yourself
be carried away
by life like that?
I dont know.
Do you ever
get tired
of paddling
against the current?
You stop paddling,
you drown.
Im breathing
just fine.
I do get tired
I wish I didnt
have to be that way.
You dont.
You could talk
to me.
Talk to me.
- Yeah...
-( knocking on door )
( knocking on door )
- Michael.
- Tom.
- Val: Mike?
- Hey, come in. Come on.
Oh, my God.
Is something wrong?
Oh, no. No, no.
you left your phone
at the restaurant,
so I just didnt
want you to worry.
I put Saran Wrap
on it.
Mike, I could have gone
a day without my phone.
Or just use
the Find My iPhone app.
The-- come on, Val.
It was in the manual.
We can track
our phones.
Did you
drive down here
with the top open?
Um-- ah-choo!
Tops broken.
- Thank you.
- Just--
Its no problem.
I just didnt
want you to worry
and you needed it
and then an accident
and you didnt have it
or something, so...
I, uh...
Okay, Im gonna go back
to the restaurant.
- Ill drive you.
- No, Im good.
Its-- its letting up.
( thunder rumbles )
this is the point
in the date
where I like
to give the speech.
"I would like
to introduce you to my wife.
She is young,
shes beautiful,
and pretty soon,
shes going to be
a widow.
I havent
told her this yet,
but every doctor
that I have talked to
has told me
the same thing--
nine months to a year.
And when that happens,
Valentine is
going to be alone.
Youre dying?
Youre dying.
( sighs )
Man, Im so sorry.
Do you like her?
Do I like
your wife?
I mean, we get along
great at work.
Shes terrific.
I mean,
shes a genius.
this restaurants
just gonna...
( whistles )
take off, but...
I like her, Tom.
Shes the whole package,
but you know that.
Thats why
you married her.
Were friends.
I mean...
under different
Wait. How would you
want to meet her
under "different
If I said yes,
which Im not,
how would this work?
You, me, and Val
would spend time together,
and I would watch
the two of you together,
and if it felt right...
then I would
introduce you to Phoebe.
And if my baby girl
youre the best thing
since Hanson Carter,
- then...
- Then what?
( laughs )
Then you would
just hand over the keys
to your house?
Then I would tell Val...
how I feel--
tell her that I like you,
plant the seeds.
Whew. Okay.
What about Val?
- Does she know
about any of this?
- No.
She doesnt,
and I would like
to keep it that way,
- even after.
- This is so out there, Tom.
I mean,
Im truly sorry
for your situation,
I am, but...
this has "disaster"
written all over it.
Let me show you
You film me
one more time...
- ( Tom laughs )
- No, okay.
Um, uh, okay!
- Phoebe: You ready?
-Were ready.
Val: No, no.
On the count of three!
- Tom: Okay.
- Val: Okay.
Val, Tom:
1, 2, 3.
Here comes the bride
All dressed
in white...
Vals wedding dress.
( humming )
Phoebe wanted to feel
like a bride.
Let me see your
shoes and the veil.
( both humming )
( mock British accent )
Oh, perfect, darling.
Oh, gorgeous.
put the camera down.
You have
to give me away.
I had to stop,
Im never
gonna see that.
the thing that I have
figured out from all this
is if you have
a chance
to love somebody,
you gotta take it...
and hold on to it.
You cant take it
for granted.
Dont tell me
you dont want this,
because youll live
to regret it or worse.
( sighs )
So how do we do this?
- Tom: Welcome
to the dream date.
-( laughter )
- Tom: You heard it.
- Val: All right.
- Whats up, Mac?
- Mike: What you got?
- Tom: Anytime.
- This is killing me.
- Hmm.
- Brynn: Babe...
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Not great at all.
So you guys do this
every Friday night?
Really? Thats cool.
Thank you for inviting me.
Thanks for coming, man.
- Youre up.
- Im up.
Im up.
Oh, I got this.
Bear with me.
- "Zizivah."
- "Zizivah"?
-Its a type of weevil.
A weevils
a kind of beetle.
There are kinds
of beetles?
And you know this?
I cant even
count that high.
This actually
reminds me
of Esteban
trying to cut an onion.
"Valentine, I think
I cut my thumb off again."
( laughter )
actually funny.
You know,
if you cursed more,
I think you
could open for me.
Thanks, man.
- Whos Esteban?
- Val: Hes--
He does it a lot.
Esteban is great
at start-ups,
bad at slicing.
Your turn.
( Val groans )
( Mike speaking faintly )
I learned this.
Its called the slide.
You learn well.
That is perfect.
Pretty, right?
( rattling )
No, you didnt!
( laughter )
- Mike: Terrible.
- Val: Terrible.
Hi. Hi.
You scared me.
We got it.
We got this. Come on.
Ill walk you out.
- All right.
- Okay.
Um, thank you
for a lovely evening,
- and Ill see you Monday.
- Thank you.
- I had fun. This was fun.
- Me, too.
Okay. Bye.
You were so right!
I just had to loosen up
and-- and be myself
and try not to think
about how weird
this whole thing is
so I can actually
have a good time.
Shes not yours yet.
Excuse me?
Shes still my wife.
I know.
I was just saying--
No, Im just
saying that as long
as Im still alive,
you keep things
respectful, okay?
You know,
I-- I dont get you.
You talk me
into this thing,
and then when it goes
the way that you want,
you all of a sudden
cant handle it.
I can handle it fine.
I just dont want you to--
You dont want what?
You dont want what?
You dont want me
beating you at Scrabble,
cleaning up bottles?
Tom, you have--
you have
such a wonderful wife.
Yeah, I know
how great she is.
Do you?
Do you know
how great she is?
you either want this,
or you dont, okay?
If you want to stop this,
then Ill respect you,
but you need to make
your mind up, damn it.
Cause every moment
that I spend with her,
Im greedy for another.
( car door slams )
( engine starts )
wait up a second.
( waves crashing )
I cant believe
Im out with my guy
on Valentines Day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Nice.
Where are we?
I found this great,
little out-of-the-way place.
Its brand-new,
was supposed to be closed,
but I have an in
with the owners, so...
Oh, Tom, the chefs
and the waiters and--
Ah, they were
more than happy
to do it. Trust me.
Hm... whats
the name of it?
( chuckles )
You really have
no sense of direction.
What am I supposed--
am I supposed to know
where I am right now?
What is--?
- This is your gift.
- I dont understand.
( clicks )
( gasps )
Biron represents
a glassblower who
needed the money.
It was kind of
a last-minute thing.
Michael and I rigged it up
this morning.
If you want to
change the font or
any part of it, we can--
Its-- its
Michael-- did you
talk to Mike?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
He thought
it was a great idea.
- Really great guy.
- Yeah.
I really
like him a lot.
But enough about him
or anybody else.
Tonight is
about you and me,
so close your eyes.
- Im nervous.
- ( chuckles )
Oh, my God, I cant
believe you did that.
- Keep your eyes closed.
- Okay.
Eyes closed.
( giggles )
- Okay, you ready?
- Wait, I dont know.
- Um... okay.
- Open em.
Oh, my God.
When did you...?
Michael and I
put the finishing
touches on it.
( French accent )
Ah, a seat for madame?
( laughs )
Mm, thank you.
Youre welcome.
That is the worst--
that is the worst
French accent
Ive ever heard.
I am sure I dont
know what you are
talking about.
I was born in Paree.
Oh,je suis dsol,
( grumbles )
How do you say...
I dont know.
( laughs )
Well, I already know
who our waiter is.
Whos our chef?
Youre looking at him.
Oh, yeah?
I searched
high and low
through all
the finest food stores
in Los Angeles
to find this.
Oh, my G--
Thats impressive.
Thats the good stuff.
I even learned
how to boil water.
- Oh, my.
- Here goes nothing.
If you hear screaming...
Dont hurt yourself.
( music playing )
If theres
one thing Id do
Id love you forever...
( laughs )
( groans )
Hey, you okay?
( grunts )
Brain freeze.
( laughs )
Well, I can-- I can
help you with that.
That would quench
the feelings
That I have for you...
( Val moaning )
Phoebe wont be home
for an hour.
Not till--
not till morning.
I texted Brynn
from the restaurant.
- Yeah? God, I love you.
- ( laughs )
( rips )
- Whoa.
- ( laughs )
( Val laughing )
( sighs )
( sobbing
softly )
- ( sobbing )
- Oh, my God.
Whats wrong?
Hey, talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Hey, youre
scaring me.
( gasping )
Tom, youre
scaring me.
Maybe theres
another specialist.
- No.
- ( sobbing )
( whispers )
I just want to tell you
to wait.
I dont want you to go.
Why did you
keep this from me?
It was a mistake.
How are we
gonna tell her?
( sniffles )
Well figure
something out.
( sighs, coughs )
( panting )
( thumps )
( bangs )
( coughing )
( hacking )
( panting )
( chuckles )
( clicking )
( birds chirping )
That one looks
like a watermelon.
baby girl...
Okay, maybe an egg.
Its early, Daddy.
Hey, do you remember
when Rufus got sick?
are you trying
to make me cry?
He got sick...
and we had to drive him
to the vet
and put him to sleep.
But it wasnt
anyones fault.
things like that
just happen...
no matter how much
we wish that it didnt.
I know that.
Daddy, what are you--
Baby, Im gonna be
your daddy forever.
And if you ever
get scared...
or lonely...
you can look up at these clouds
and you can find me there.
I dont understand.
Its okay.
You dont have to.
Not now.
Then why
are you crying?
Im thinking about...
( Tom sighs ) cream.
Thats what I see up there.
Do you see it?
For breakfast?
Why the hell not,
Come on.
Lets go jump in the car
before Mommy wakes up
and spoils our plan.
( faint whirring )
( birds chirping )
- Wow.
- Tom: Yum!
Took you
long enough.
Your text
said early.
What kind
of ice cream truck
makes its rounds
at 7:00 a.m.?
The kind you pay
a lot of money to.
Whats your flavor?
Uh, pralines
and cream.
Dumb it down a little.
Ice cream truck.
- Chocolate?
- Good.
this is Phoebe.
this is Michael.
Hey, Pheebs.
How do you know
my nickname?
I can read minds.
No, you cant.
How do you know
that I cant?
Your head
would be bigger.
( chuckles )
- Fair enough.
- Tom: Lets go.
- Mike: Youre eight?
- Yeah.
Oh, cool.
- Whats your favorite class?
- I dont have one.
- You dont have
a favorite class?
- No.
You know what mine was?
Huh? Whats that?
( silent )
Radio DJ:
Hey, weve been
promising it all week,
and now here it is, kids.
Star 98.7
has the L.A. premiere
of the new
Hanson Carter single,
"Youll Always Be My Girl."
( winces )
( silent )
( winces )
Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, Im fine. Im fine.
I just-- I got
a little dizzy.
Im good.
- Do you need a doctor?
- No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Last time I went to a doctor,
they told me I was dying.
That was a joke.
Heh. Just a joke.
Youre gonna take care
of her, right?
Yeah, Tom.
Promise me.
( sighs )
what are you doing?
Promise me that
no matter what happens,
youre going
to follow through...
that youre the guy.
I need to know
that youre the guy.
Tom, I dont know
that anybody can
make that promise.
But I will tell you
that Ill try my best.
Fair enough, Michael.
Drive her home
for me, okay?
Hi. Its Tom Bishop.
I cant take your call.
Please leave a message,
and I will call you back.
( remote beeps )
Wheres Tom?
- We just left him--
- Where, Michael? Where?
At the park.
Listen. Listen.
Okay, listen.
Come here. Okay.
Listen, Uncle Mac
is coming from
Aunt Brynns house.
Ooh. Are they
going out now?
Phoebe, focus!
Okay, I want you
to go inside.
I dont want you
to open up the door
for anyone else
except Mac, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you understand?
Im so sorry, Val.
I heard hes--
Why were you
even together?
- He asked me for help.
- Help with what?
its complicated.
Yeah, uncomplicate it
for me, Michael.
- Does he have his phone?
- Yes, of course he has
his phone.
All right, lets go.
Track his phone.
He told me
why he did it,
Val, and...
it makes sense.
Go home, Michael.
( Val screaming )
You shouldnt be here!
You selfish, selfish
son of a bitch!
He told you?
- I am your wife!
- I know! I know.
All of this has been
for you and Phoebe.
I am not some puppy
you could just
give away to someone
when you think they
need a better home!
- I am your wife!
- I know! I know!
Im trying to do
what is best for you.
Take a close look,
because this is
just the beginning.
Val, this is
just the beginning.
Its gonna get
so much worse.
I dont want you
to see me like that.
You dont get to tell us
what we want!
What was this,
the-- the lone martyr
walks out into
the ocean to die?
You kidding me?
You want to choose
how you die?
Heres your choice.
You come home,
and you stay
with me and Phoebe
and your friends
and your family...
and the people
who love you...
the amazing life
that we have.
Or you can die
right here.
Im not gonna sit here
and watch you
kill yourself.
I dont know what to do.
( sobs )
I dont know what to do.
Shh. Shh.
Im sorry.
( sobbing )
Im so sorry.
How did we
get here?
a control freak.
And youre
lucky Michaels
good with words.
If he hadnt explained
everything so well,
I would have
killed you myself.
Hes good
with words, is he?
Hes excellent
with words.
- Huh.
- Hes excellent.
And model handsome.
I mean, you have
really good
taste in men.
You could
set me up anytime.
Okay, okay.
Dont ever try
anything stupid
like that again.
You still love me?
( sighs )
Loving you was
never the problem.
I like you.
I like you
very much.
I like you, too.
You cant let go.
Do I look like
somebody who would
let go of you?
- Oh!
- Mac: That is hurtful.
Thats a hurt--
thats a hurtful
thing to do.
- Sorry.
- Doesnt trust me.
It takes a while.
Its okay.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Dont push her
if shes not ready.
Shes ready.
Youre ready,
( whimpers )
- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dont let go! Dont let go!
- Come on, you got it.
No, dont--
okay, okay, okay!
( all cheering )
Whoo, Phoebe!
Oh, my God!
Daddy, Im doing it!
Im doing it!
( instrumental music
playing )