Meet the Parents (2000) Movie Script
(Choir) # Show me a man
# Who's gentle and kind
# And l'll show you
# A loser
# Now show me a man
# Who takes what he wants
# Oh, how exciting
# Oh, how exciting
# So the poets sing
# When you're a fool in love
# And nothing goes the way you plan
# And no one cares
# And no one understands
# That you're a fool
# And you're in love
# Never another spring for you
# Never a robin to sing for you
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool in love
# When you're a fool in love
# Seems like the skies
# Are always grey
# You turn around,
there's someone in your way
# And it's you
# And you're in love
# Sometimes you think
that your luck has changed
# And a rainbow explodes
'cross the sky
# But when you're a fool in love
# You'll be a fool
till the day you die #
(Man ) l know we haven't been
together that long,
but these last 10 months have been
the happiest of my life.
You're not only the person l love,
you're also my best friend...
and l want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Seriously, do you think
that sounds good?
- No!
- Really? Cos l think that...
No!
Oh! Oh! Sorry. Sorry.
Sometimes these catheters
can pinch a little bit.
Well, thanks. l appreciate it.
You got a real gentle touch
there, Doctor.
She won't be able to say no.
Actually, l'm a nurse.
Doctor'll be right in.
- Good luck, Greg.
- Thanks, Cameron.
OK, it's time for
our problem of the week.
l want you to pick out
your problem,
a problem that's been
bothering you all week.
With your eyes still closed...
l want you to picture
that problem in your mind.
Pretend it's right there
in front of you.
..not only my best friend,
but you're also
the person that l...
want to spend the rest
of my life with.
l love you. Will you...marry me?
Now l want you to scare
your problems away.
- l want you to say "boo"!
- Boo!
- BOO!
- BOO!
All right, you guys are great.
Very good.
l will see you guys after lunch.
Pam, isn't that your special friend?
Yeah, l think so.
- Why don't you talk to him?
- You think l should?
(Kids ) Yeah!
Come here!
(Giggling)
- Hi, sweetie.
- How're you doing?
l was in the area, got off early,
thought you'd want to go eat.
That's very sweet.
What a nice surprise.
Oh, shoot!
l forgot to change my shoes.
That's OK. You know l can't resist
a man in nurse's shoes.
l got my sneakers here.
Let me change. lt'll take a second.
Huh! OK.
- Honey?
- Hmm?
- Pam.
- Yeah?
- l love you.
- l love you, too.
Come on, sweetie. l got a half-hour
before l have to be back.
So you wanna go have lunch?
(Chuckling) What are you doing?
Um, nothing. l just love you so much.
These last 10 months...have been
the happiest of my life.
Yeah, they've been amazing, but...
What's going on?
Nothing. l just...l just feel like,
you know, we're so close.
You're my best friend, and you're
also the woman that l love, and...
You OK, sweetie? You're acting weird.
l just got a crick in my neck.
l did CPR
on a 300-pound crack head today.
- Want me to massage your neck?
- No, no.
Honey, your kids are
trying to tell you something!
- (Phone )
- Oh, hold on.
Oh, it's my sister. Hello. Hi.
You're engaged? Congratulations!
You're getting married in two weeks?
That's...a little soon.
Mom and Dad...really don't know
Bob very well. Dad was OK with this?
Wow. That was very thoughtful of him.
l can't believe he knew
to ask Dad's permission.
Yeah.
l'm just here with Greg.
He's taking me to lunch. He's OK.
l know you've got to go.
All right. l love you. Bye.
So, what's going on?
Debbie's marrying that guy?
Yeah. ln two weeks.
Dr Bob of Denver. lsn't that great?
Yeah, that's... Didn't they
just meet a few months ago?
Yeah, but he asked her
and she said yes.
Well, he asked my dad first.
Yeah, l overheard that.
So he had to ask his permission?
No, he didn't have to.
Bob just understood
that Dad appreciates that.
- Mm-hm.
- Deb said that Dad loves him.
Bob bought him the perfect gift
that just won him over.
Really. Huh, a gift.
(Pam ) ls it OK to X-ray this?
(Greg) Yeah. lt won't mutate.
- Sir, that's not gonna fit.
- Wait a second.
lt's too big. You got to check it.
(Beep )
Raise your arms, sir.
Look, l got an engagement ring
in the bag,
so l can't open it here,
can't l just carry it on?
lf it don't fit through the frame,
you ain't carrying it on the plane.
531, New York, La Guardia. Check it.
Wait, wait, excuse me...
Don't worry,
it'll be waiting for you there.
(PA) 'Welcome to La Guardia Airport.
Please follow the signs...'
Excuse me. Hi. You lost my bag
and there's a diamond ring inside it.
l didn't lose your anything, sir.
Put your address here
and we'll ship it when it surfaces.
And if it doesn't?
Am l supposed to go the whole weekend
with just these clothes?
(Pam ) lt's great. l just thought
you were getting champagne.
Trust me,
your dad's gonna love this gift.
Well, don't forget he's retired.
He was in the rare flower business,
he'll be interested.
Sounds like they're hard to please.
No, not at all.
He's the sweetest man in the world.
- He's gonna love you. l promise.
- As much as he loves Dr Bob?
(Pam ) Easy on the sarcasm.
Humour is wasted on my parents.
(Greg) What, are they Amish?
(Greg) OK, no jokes.
- What are you doing?
- What?
My dad sees smoking
as a sign of weakness.
- OK, l'll leave them in the car.
- No! He'll check there.
- Oh, gosh...
- What...?!
Yeah, the roof
is probably a better idea.
Oh, and...
we're not living together.
- l thought you said you told them.
- Well...
Hi, Daddy! Hi!
- Oh, l missed you so much, Pamcake.
- l missed you too, Popjack.
(Kissing)
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
(Both) Shortstack, shortstack,
coming up!
Pop-pop, pop-pop, pop-pop-pop!
Where's my widdle girl?.
Mommy! My mom!
Oh, you look so beautiful!
(Pam ) So do you! Look at you!
Oh, l'm sorry.
Mom, Dad, this is Greg.
- Hi, l'm Pam's father, Jack Byrnes.
- lt's great to meet you.
- l'm Dina. Welcome to Oyster Bay.
- Thanks.
What you driving, a Ford?
Uh, yeah. lt's a Taurus.
We were gonna get a mid-size,
but l figure, hey,
pulling down decent bucks,
might as well go all out
and pop for the full-size.
True. lnteresting colour.
You pick it?
Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?
Well, they say geniuses pick green.
- But you didn't pick it.
- (Dina ) Jack!
(Sniffing)
Oh, yucky!
What smells of old sour milk?
Oh, poor Greg got spit up on
by a baby.
He didn't!
He did, Ma, at Lost Luggage.
The airline lost his bag.
Oh! They didn't!
Yeah, they did.
- What about you, honey?
- No, l carried on.
That's my girl!
lt'll turn up, l'm sure.
And Greg, meanwhile,
anything you need, just ask, huh?
That's right. Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, thanks, Jack. You, too.
Yeah, ha ha!
Hey, Momma, looks great!
Really?
We spruced up for the wedding.
This is so nice!
(Jack) We like it.
(Greg) Beautiful.
Oh, now, Greg,
you have a very unique last name.
And we were curious, er,
how do you pronounce it?
Oh. Just like it's spelled.
F-O-C-K-E-R.
Focker.
Hmm... Focker.
Mm-hm.
- l'll get it, honey.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, there he is!
(Pam ) Jinxy!
Come here, baby!
Come to Daddy, Jinxy!
Come on, Jinxy!
Come here. Come to Daddy.
Come on. Oh!
Taught him that in one week.
(Jack) This is Pam's cat, Jinxy.
- Say hello. Wave to Greg.
- Hello, Jinx.
Attaboy!
That took me another week.
- My gosh!
- l didn't know you had a cat.
l left him here
when l moved to Chicago.
Your daddy's best friend!
You won't believe it,
he even taught him to use the potty.
Dad, that's kinda weird.
Why? Now we don't have
to smell kitty litter.
That's right.
How did you teach
the cat to use the toilet?
Easy. l designed a litter box
to put inside the toilet.
Once he got used to it,
l took it away.
Oh! That's... Yeah, makes sense.
But he doesn't like it. Every chance
he gets he tries to squat and bury.
l had to move all my plants.
Plus you got another guy
in the house to leave the seat up.
He can't lift the seat. He lacks
the strength and opposable thumbs.
Ah, right. Opposable...
Didn't think about that.
Jinx is a house cat. He can't go out.
He lacks survival skills.
lt's just one of those things.
l don't think Greg will
be playing with Jinxy. He hates cats.
Pam, l don't hate cats.
l don't... l just happen
to be more of a dog lover.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's OK if you hate cats, Greg.
l don't. l don't hate cats...at all.
That's OK. Just be honest about it.
There's some things l hate.
l'm being honest, really. Like what?
Why don't we let the kids freshen up?
Greg, we'll get you something
to wear from Jack's closet.
OK.
- Oh, honey.
- Yeah?
l'm so happy you're home, sweetheart.
Me, too, Daddy.
Hey, listen, be nice to this one, OK?
l kinda like him.
OK, l'll try.
Thank you.
Shirt fit OK, Greg?
Fantastic. Thanks, Jack.
Good. Tom Collins coming up.
l wish you hadn't said
that l hate cats.
You do hate cats.
But you didn't have to say
right when we met.
l'm sorry. lt just slipped out.
Get your red hot pu-pus!
My goodness! What is that?
Oh, that's just...
a little something from me.
Go ahead, open it up.
Oh, look, honey.
Greg brought us a present!
Oh, isn't that nice?
Look at this. lt's a flower pot...
with the dirt in it.
Mm.
Actually, the real gift
is what's planted in the soil.
The bulb of a Jerusalem Tulip.
Which, l was told,
is one of the rarest and most
beautiful flowers in existence.
Oh, right, right.
Uh, the Jerusalem.
From the Jerusalis tulipizius genus,
yes, yes.
Anyway, the guy said
with regular watering
it should bloom in six months.
Well, we'll look forward to that.
(Pam clears throat)
So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking.
l recently got transferred to triage.
ls that better than a nurse?
No, Mom, triage is a unit of the ER.
That's where all the top nurses work.
- Well...
- No. They do.
Not many men in your profession.
No, Jack. Not traditionally.
Mm-hm.
Pam, did you know that your father
started his own business?
Really? Dad, that's great!
Oh, wow!
Yes, l thought with my experience,
why let retirement stop me?
l really admire that.
So what is it? What's...?
What's the new venture?
Oh, let me ask you a question, Greg.
Let's say you have kids and you wanna
get out of the house, you know?
So you hire a baby-sitter,
someone you think you can trust.
References, experience -
all check out fine.
But, how do you know for certain
that your loved ones
are safe with this stranger?
l mean, can you ever really trust
another human being, Greg?
Sure. l think so.
No. The answer is you cannot.
Let me show you something.
Take a look at this, Greg.
What's this look like to you?
lt looks like a teddy bear.
Smile. You're on nanny camera!
Oh! Oh!
l've seen these advertised on TV.
Not like this you haven't.
Take a look.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh.
Hi. Where's the other camera?
Right here
in this decorative artefact.
- That's great.
- Our cameras are motion activated.
They tape as soon as they
sense any movement.
We can hide them in mirrors,
lamps, you name it.
So no matter where you go...
we'll be watching you.
Couldn't this be construed
as illegal?. lnvasion of privacy?
Greg, when you have little Fockers
running around,
you'll see the need for protection.
(Pam ) Yeah.
- lmpressive, isn't it?
- Quite.
(Phone )
- l'll get that.
- l'll get it.
OK.
Any problem with the documents?
Good. l'll meet you at the Oyster Bay
drugstore in about 20 minutes.
You gotta be careful
if you call here.
lf l don't answer,
use a southern accent and ask
for the vegetarian special.
(Pam ) And the wedding's on Sunday?
Oh, that wasn't the airline, was it?
No, wrong number. We're out
of Collins, so l'll go to the store.
l thought l just bought some.
You know how that stuff just goes.
Back in a jif.
Well, why doesn't Greg go with you?
You'll need something in case
your suitcase doesn't show up.
- l'm sure it'll show up.
- Yeah.
Don't take a chance. You don't
even have a toothbrush. Go on.
Yeah.
OK, unless you want some privacy.
Why would l need privacy?
No, l didn't...think you would.
OK, let's head out.
- Bye.
- Have fun, you guys.
Pam, he seems wonderful!
He is.
We have the best time together.
Good.
- Now, have you two been mm-mm-mm?
- Mother!
No! Thinking about
anything permanent?
l don't know.
We haven't discussed it, but,
l definitely have
the feeling this is it.
Oh.
Dad seems to like him,
don't you think?
Absolutely.
lt's a big day Saturday.
Yes.
This car's...
You got... What do you use,
unleaded, regular unleaded?
- Premium.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Jack, now that...
Now that we have a second to talk,
l just want you to know
how much Pam means to me.
l know we haven't been together
that long,
but the time that we have spent
together has been incredible.
Greg, how come you don't like cats?
l don't not like cats.
l just...l just prefer dogs.
l mean, l'm just more of a dog
kind of... You know.
You come home, they're...
wagging their little tails,
happy to see you.
You need that assurance, do you?
You prefer
an emotionally shallow animal?.
l...
When you yell at a dog, his tail
goes between his legs
and covers his genitals,
his ears go down.
A dog is easy to break. But cats
make you work for their affection.
They don't sell out like dogs.
Huh.
You like Peter, Paul, and Mary?
(Music starts on stereo )
Yes, l do. l'm a big fan.
# Puff, the magic dragon
# Lived by the sea... #
Great song.
Yeah. One of my favourites.
Who would've thought
it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
What do you mean?
You know, the whole drug thing.
No, l don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
Some people, uh...
think that...
To "puff the magic dragon" means...
they're really... Erm...
To smoke a...smoke...
..a marijuana cigarette.
Well, Puff's just the name
of the boy's magical dragon.
Right.
- Are you a pot head, Focker?
- No! No. What?
No, no, no, Jack.
No, l'm...l'm not. l...
l pass on grass...all the time.
l mean not all the time...
- Yes or no?
- No. Yes. No.
Greg, l'll meet you out front
in about...12 to 15 minutes.
OK.
Oh.
Hey. Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you have any nicotine patches?
No. We have the gum.
All right.
You chew it.
Thank you. And what's your
most expensive bottle of champagne?
Mumm's. lt's on sale for $13.95.
That's it? You don't have a nice
$80 or $100 bottle or something?
You can get a whole bunch of Mumm's.
- Focker?
- Jack. Ready to go?
Rough and ready, yeah.
They ran out of Collins mix.
You been waiting long?
No! l was just reading up about...
..pumps.
Pumps?
Yes. Breast pumps.
l grew up on a farm.
Get your hot buns. Hot patooties.
Wow, Dina, everything looks fabulous.
lt's such a treat
to have a home-cooked meal like this.
Dinner at my house meant fighting
over containers of Chinese food.
Oh, you poor thing! There wasn't
enough food to go around?
No, there was. We just never really
sat down like a family like this.
Oh!
Greg, would you like to say grace?
Uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad.
You know that.
You're telling me
the Jews don't pray, honey?
Unless you have some objection?
No, no, no. l'd love to.
Pam, it's not like
l'm a rabbi or something.
l've said grace at many...
a dinner table.
(Greg) OK.
Oh...dear God...
Thank you.
You are such a good God to us.
A kind and gentle and...
accommodating...God.
And we thank you,
O, sweet, sweet Lord of Hosts,
for the...
..smorgasbord you have so aptly
lain at our table this day...
and each day...by day...
Day by day...by day.
O...dear Lord, three things we pray.
To love thee more dearly,
to see thee more clearly,
to...follow thee more nearly,
day by day...by day. Amen.
Amen.
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Thank you, Greg.
That was interesting too.
Oh. That's a...that's a lovely vase.
lt looks great.
Let me guess, is that one
of your secret cameras too, huh?
Ah-booga-booga-booga! Whooh!
Greg...
(Whispering) That urn holds
the remains of Jack's mother.
Oh. l'm sorry. l'm so sorry. That...
That's all right. You didn't know.
l'm...
That's our Gran-Gran.
We like to think of her
as watching over us as we eat.
Love you, Ma. Miss you.
Miss you every day.
Oh, honey, why don't
you read Greg your poem?
Oh, no. He doesn't want to hear that.
What? No, what poem?
You see, when Jack had to retire
for health reasons...
That's a bunch of malarkey.
..the doctor thought
it would be therapeutic
if he expressed his emotions
in an artistic way.
You wrote a beautiful poem
about your mother.
Please, we really want to hear it.
- Poem! Poem!
- Please?
All right.
lt's a work in progress.
l'm still not happy with it.
As soon as it's ready,
l'm going to glaze it onto a plate
and put it next to the urn.
Nice.
lt's very special.
My Mother...by Jack Byrnes.
You gave me life,
you gave me milk,
you gave me courage.
Your name was Angela,
the angel from heaven.
But you were also an angel of God,
and He needed you, too.
Selfishly, l tried to keep you here,
while the cancer
ate away your organs,
like an unstoppable rebel force,
but l couldn't save you,
and l shall see your face...
nevermore,
nevermore,
nevermore.
Until we meet...
in Heaven.
Oh...
Daddy, that's beautiful.
lt just gets me...
Amazing. So-so-so much love,
yet also so much...information.
lt takes a lot out of him.
Greg, would you like some yams?
Thank you. Oh, yeah.
You must have had vegetables fresher
than that growing up on a farm.
Dad, Greg grew up in Detroit.
He told me he grew up on a farm.
Do they have many farms in Detroit?
No, Dina. Not a lot.
ln fact, Jack, l should clarify this.
l didn't actually grow up...
on a farm per se.
The house that we grew up in
was originally erected
in the early Dutch farm...
colonial style.
So, that plus we had a lot of pets...
Which one did you milk then?
Dad!
Honey, he said he'd pumped milk.
What have you ever milked?
Cat.
A cat?
l milked a cat once.
You wanna hear a story?
Sure.
My sister had a cat and the cat
birthed a litter of kittens.
There must have been 30 of them.
There was this runt,
this sweet little,
Little-Engine-That-Could runt
who could...
Wanted to get up there but couldn't
really get access to the...
To the...uh...teat.
Teat?
Dad.
What have you.
l went in and just simply...
You know, just...
lnto a little saucer.
And then took the saucer
and fed it to Geppetto.
That was his name. Geppetto.
l had...l had no idea
you could milk a cat.
You can milk anything with nipples.
l have nipples. Could you milk me?
OK, can we
change the subject, perhaps?
Oh, champagne! l thought
we could celebrate with some bubbly.
That'd be great. Good idea.
"l have nipples. Can you milk me?"
Well, in a funny way
you've already seen Deb's ring.
Mm-hm. That's true.
Would anybody care for some of
Oyster Bay's finest champagne?
That is so sweet of you.
lsn't that a nice gesture?
Yeah, very nice.
How could l have seen Debbie's ring?
When l gave Bob the OK, l put him
in touch with my diamond guy
and he picked the exact same design
that Kevin gave you.
- Kevin your old boyfriend?
- Thanks, Dad.
Kevin was Pam's fianc.
Ohh!
- Oh.
- Argh!
- Oh!
- Ohh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Jinxy, no! Psst!
- Ohh...
- Jinxy, no!
Shit!
Greg, sweetie, how are you doing?
Fine, considering
l desecrated your grandma's remains,
found out you were engaged and had
your father ask me to milk him.
At least then
he was talking to me, so...
You didn't say you were that close.
- Who, Daddy and me?
- No, Kevin and you.
Do we have to know
everything about each other?
l never knew about your cat-milking.
That was a long time ago, Pam.
OK, well, so was this.
Kevin's and my...
connection was more...
physical than anything else.
Physical?. Like what, like,
you worked out together?
No, no, it was nothing.
lt was...just a stupid sexual thing.
l'm gonna go throw up now.
Oh, Greg. Kevin and l
were only engaged for a month
before l realised it was a mistake.
l-l gave back the ring,
l moved to Chicago
and l met and fell in love with you,
so can we please drop this?
- OK.
- Good.
l just feel this isn't going well.
Your dad hates me.
He doesn't hate you, sweetie.
Just give him a chance, all right?
Maybe he's nervous too, huh?
l thought he would love my gift,
being this big flower guy,
but it's like...he didn't show
the slightest bit of interest.
Listen to me, forget the gift.
You're the most adorable, loving,
sweetest man in the world
and l love you.
And very soon
my parents are gonna see that
and grow to love you too, OK?
OK?
Mm-hm.
Speaking of growing to love you...
- lt's late.
- l know it's late.
But Mr Winkie
is still on Chicago time
and we both know there's only one way
to make Mr Winkie go away, right?
- (Knock on door)
- And there it is.
What's with the robe?
lt's Pam's.
My pyjamas are in the suitcase.
Hey, l'll lend you a pair of Jack's.
- OK, honey?
- Sure.
You don't have to do that.
- No, no.
- No, we have to.
- Thank you.
- (Dina ) You're welcome.
l just want to say
don't worry about what happened.
Oh. Well, thanks, Jack.
l still... l feel horrible, l mean...
Well, it was a horrible thing.
But let's put all that behind us
and enjoy our weekend together.
OK.
Thank you, Daddy.
Chug-chug-chug...
Thank you. These'll do just fine.
Good night.
Night. Why'd you give him
my favourite pair?
Night, see you in the morning,
right?
- Have a good sleep.
- You too.
Oh, no, no, Greg, we made up
the pullout for you down in the den.
Oh. OK, cos Pam said l should sleep
in Debbie's room, but...
Debbie's sleeping here tomorrow
so you'll have more privacy,
your own bathroom.
Just try not to flush the toilet.
lt's a little quirky.
OK.
Oh, one more thing.
Look, l understand you've probably
had premarital relations with my Pam,
but under our roof, it's my way
or the Long lsland Expressway,
is that understood?
Of course. Yeah.
Good. Keep your snake
in its cage for 72 hours.
OK.
(Phone ) 'Welcome to
Atlantic American Airways.
'Customer satisfaction
always comes first.
'We have heavy call logging.
'As your call is important to us
it will be answered in 27 minutes.
'Press 1 to talk to
a representative.'
(Beep )
'We are closed. Please call back.'
Oh!
Sorry.
There's just something about him
that's a little off.
Yeah, yeah. Jack.
We've been through this
with every boyfriend since,
what, middle school?.
l think Greg is a lovely young man.
And honey,
Pam thinks he might be the one.
She said that?
She said those exact words?
Well, l didn't tape record her, Jack,
but that's the impression l got.
l feel sorry that boy never had...
What kind of a family
doesn't sit down for dinner?
Fugitives.
Try to enjoy the weekend, honey.
- Both our daughters are in love.
- That's what l'm worried about.
Oh...
Oh, jeez. l just realised something.
- What?
- Pam's middle name.
Martha... Oh, no.
(Both) Pamela Martha Focker.
(Yells)
"Operation Ko Samui"?
(Jack) Looking for something, Greg?
Oh. Jesus, Jack, you scared me.
Well, l heard a noise so
l came to see if everything was OK.
l just... l'm sorry, l saw a light on
in here and l kinda stumbled in...
That's OK. See anything interesting?
No. Not at all. l mean...l mean,
this is great, though.
l love this... What you...
lt's a cosy little nook.
l noticed you were looking at that.
Yeah.
lt's an antique polygraph machine.
ls that what that is?
l've seen these before
but never up close.
You know what?
Why don't you try that on?
Oh...that's OK.
We'll have some fun!
l'll show you how it works.
- l shouldn't.
- Why? You've nothing to hide.
- No. l know.
- So there's no problem.
- No, there's no problem.
- So try it on.
- OK.
- l'll help you.
Don't worry, you'll enjoy this.
All right.
Looks complicated. Now,
these aren't 100% accurate, right?
You'd be surprised
how accurate they are.
They can tell if someone's lying.
Now l'm gonna ask you some questions.
All you have to do
is answer yes or no.
OK.
All right, let's give it a whirl.
- Did you fly on an aeroplane today?
- Yes, l did.
No peeking. Did we eat
pot roast for dinner tonight?
Yes.
Was it undercooked?
N-n-no, it was rare.
lt was a little rare for my taste,
but l...l wouldn't...
l'm just kidding. l'm just... OK.
(Hyperventilating)
Relax, relax.
The needles are jumping.
Have you ever watched
pornographic videos?
(Needles jumping)
No.
- l mean, well, l don't...
- Yes or no?
Hey.
Hey.
Oh.
What's the matter, you can't sleep?
No, l'm just going over my answers
from the polygraph test
your dad gave me.
- Oh, no, he didn't?
- Yeah, he did.
Well, did you lie to him?
No! l mean... Well, he asked me
if we were living together, l...
What did you tell him?
Nothing. Your mother walked in
and l yanked the thingies off.
Would you react like this if
he shoved bamboo shoots up my nails?
Or does he hook all your boyfriends
up to his little machine?
He doesn't need a machine.
He's a human lie detector.
What?
My father was never
in the rare flower business.
That was just his cover.
He was in the ClA for 34 years.
How could you not tell me this?
l wanted to, honey,
but it was strictly
on a "need-to-know" basis.
So, what, he's in the ClA?
He was a spy? He is a spy...?
No, he was a psychological profiler.
He interrogated double agents
in the company.
Oh, that's great.
l was scared of your dad
when he was a florist.
lt's wonderful to know
l've got a ClA spy hunter on my ass.
Would you stop?
You're doing great, OK?
This is a lot to take in, honey.
l'm sorry.
lt's just weird.
l know, but you're doing fine.
l promise.
- No!
- What's wrong, sweetie?
l forgot. l'm not supposed
to let the snake out.
You what?
l told your dad
l wouldn't touch you.
Well, l'm not in junior high
any more, OK?
No, seriously. l wanna try
to respect his rules, OK?
OK. Fine.
You go ahead and get some sleep
and l'll see you in the morning.
OK.
Morning, Greg.
Morning.
Pam told me she let you in on
a little secret of mine last night.
Yes, she did.
As long as you keep your mouth shut
for the rest of your life,
you're in no immediate danger.
l won't tell.
l'm just being humorous.
Ha. That's funny.
The fact is, Greg,
with the knowledge you've been given
you are now on the inside
of what l like to call
the Byrnes Family Circle of Trust.
l keep nothing from you,
you keep nothing from me
and round and round we go.
OK.
Understood.
OK, good. Come on,
let's go inside and have breakfast.
# Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat,
where are you?
# l love you #
Jinxy.
Not at the table, honey, please.
Attaboy!
Hey, hey, look who's up!
You must be Greg.
Hello.
Somebody had a little visit
from the hair fairy.
Oh, yes.
Nice do. Nice do.
l'll do the intros.
This is my sister Debbie.
- The bride to be. Congratulations.
- Hi.
- And her fianc Dr Bob.
- Oh, call me Bob...MD.
And his parents, Linda Banks.
Hi, how are you?
And the world famous plastic surgeon
Dr Larry.
Oh, now, cut that out!
(All laugh)
- Greg's in medicine too, Larry.
- Oh, really? What field?
Uh, nursing.
- That's good.
- No, really, what field?
Nursing.
Why don't l get you a chair, Greg?
Thank you. Thanks.
So, you didn't want to go
for the MD?
No, l thought about it
but l decided it wasn't for me.
Just as well, Board's a killer.
Actually Greg aced his MCATs.
- You serious?
- No, l did OK.
Oh, he did more than OK, trust me.
Why did you take the test?
l wanted to keep my options open.
Nursing was just better for me.
You can work in
several different areas.
l can focus 100% on patient care.
Doctors have bureaucracy...
Uh-oh! Wasn't your friend Andy
supposed to be here by now?
Oh, l thought Deb told you,
Dr Andy can't make the wedding.
Damn! Now l have to reconfigure
the whole procession.
Um...Bob, why doesn't Greg
stand in for Andy, be the usher?
Oh... No, Pam. No.
That'll be fine.
Bob, Greg will be your second usher.
Uh... Yeah, yeah. OK, sure.
Good. Well, let's all finish up
and get ready to go.
We have a pre-activity briefing
in about 32 minutes.
Really! ln that case,
l'd better get upstairs
and pay a visit
to the shower fairy.
Dina, thank you so...
Hey, you OK?
Why didn't you wake me up?
- l thought you'd like to sleep late.
- Not when l'm a guest.
lt's OK.
No, it's not OK. Tell that
to Dr Torquemada and his lnquisition.
Go take a shower, get dressed
and come down.
- ln what?
- Borrow some of Dad's clothes.
- No, l don't... Come on!
- Why not?
l don't feel comfortable
wearing your dad's underwear.
OK, go wake up Denny
and borrow some of his.
Wake up your brother, who l
never met, to borrow his clothes?
OK. All right. Where's Denny's room?
Top of the stairs, turn right.
(Knocks )
Denny?
Denny?
Denny?
(Rap music)
Hello?
Hey, hey!
What the hell are you doing here?
l'm...l'm Greg, Pam's friend.
Were you sniffing my boxers, dude?
No! Dude, no. She said l could come
up and borrow some clothes from you.
- No, no. Close the door...quick.
- OK.
- You tell anybody l wasn't here?
- No. They think you're asleep,
so, it's all good.
You scared me.
Your dad keeps you guys
under a close watch, huh?
No, it's not that bad.
Your little Pamcake's
got it a lot worse than l do.
Oh! You need some clothes.
Yes, that would be great, thanks.
Hey, glad to hook you up. All right.
Like what you've done
with the crib.
Oh, Lil' Kim. She's phat.
P-H phat.
These ought to do it.
Here you go, chief.
- All right!
- Enjoy.
- Thanks a lot.
- No problem.
Oh, don't worry about
the little covert op, all right?
- Keep it on the low down.
- Down low.
No doubt.
Come get your revised itineraries!
- Larry and Linda.
- Got it.
Bob. Honey.
l'm gonna activate the alarm.
lt'll go off in T minus 16 seconds.
- l don't need a jacket.
- lt's cold out. Hold on.
Here, take Denny's jacket.
Denny, l'm lending Greg your jacket.
- Whatever.
- Let's go.
Fuck!
- Denny! How's the tux fit?
- Dad. Uh...
What's that?
Oh, it's a sculpture
l found in Greg's jacket.
This isn't a sculpture.
lt's a device for smoking marijuana.
Really?
Not mine. lt's not.
Jack. How are you doing?
Like the top hat. lt compliments you.
Can l talk to you for a minute?
Sit down.
Did l not clearly explain
the Circle of Trust to you, Greg?
Mm, yeah. l think l got it.
Then, is there something
you want to tell me?
Mm, l... l don't think so.
Didn't we discuss this in the car?
Oh! Yes! You mean me and Pam.
l'd love to talk to you about that.
Not about Pam,
we're talking about you.
lf l can't trust you, Greg,
then l have no choice
but to put you outside the Circle.
And once you're out,
there's no coming back.
Mmm.
l would definitely
like to stay inside the circle.
Well, then tell me the truth.
OK.
Jack, l don't know
what we're talking about.
All right, Focker, l'm a patient man.
That's what 19 months in a Vietnamese
prison camp'll do to you.
But l will be watching you,
studying your every move,
and if l find that you are trying
to corrupt my firstborn child,
l will bring you down, baby.
l will bring you down to Chinatown.
# What am l gonna do?
# Hard to tell
# No, l'm not gonna kill myself,
but l might as well
l thought
we were going to Kevin's house.
We are, sweetie.
This is Kevin's new house.
Wow.
(Larry ) Amazing house!
(Bob ) Not bad, huh?
Maybe he uses marijuana
for medicinal purposes. People do.
Look, he's been lying from the start.
Hey. Getting some quality time
with the boys?
Yeah. lt was fun.
Listen, l hope this lunch
isn't too weird for you.
Why would "BBQ at Best Man's"
be weird?
Oh, my God, Greg!
l was sure l told you.
Kevin is Bob's best man.
This is his place.
Kevin, your ex-fianc?
(All cheering and greeting)
How does he know Bob?
(Both grunting)
Well, they...went
to Lacrosse Camp together,
and Kevin was the one
who introduced Bob to Debbie.
Lacrosse Camp?
(Kevin ) l was able to salvage this
wood from an old chapel in Nantucket.
(Whistling appreciatively)
(Pam ) The house is amazing.
(Kevin ) Thank you.
OK, the sun is out, the grill
is hot and the pool is luke,
so if l can interest you in a swim
and a BBQ, just follow me.
All right, Kevo. Right on schedule.
- Bring it on!
- Must've cost a fortune.
(Chatter continues )
- You OK, sweetie?
- Yeah.
l'm really sorry. l thought you knew.
lt's not a big deal.
lf l can handle a weekend
without sex and cigarettes,
l can handle your ex-fianc.
OK, thank you.
For the floor you're walking on,
l chose Bolivian wormwood.
lt works well in here.
l have the Viking range and the twin
Sub-Zs. They open up right there.
Oh, l get it. Like, hidden.
- Yeah, kinda blend in.
- Great.
Are you a homeowner, Greg?
No, no. l rent.
Oh.
So, things are going
real well for you, aren't they, Kevo?
Things have been going
so great lately.
l got in early on some wireless lPOs
and the stuff just skyrocketed.
Wow.
Greg, what line of work are you in?
l'm in healthcare.
So you know what l mean. There's lots
to be made with the biotech stuff.
l don't have to tell you that.
How's your portfolio?
l'd say strong...
to quite strong.
Yeah, strike while the iron's hot.
Now's the time.
Greg's a male nurse.
That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Wow. That's great,
to give something back like that.
l'd love to do some volunteer work.
The other day, l saw this dog,
he had, like, a gimp, he couldn't...
lt made me feel terrible.
l wished l could do something.
Well, l get paid,
but also it feels, you know, good,
so it's kind of, everybody wins.
What do you...? You're a Wall Street
trader, an investment guy?
l don't like to be painted with
that brush. Yes, that's my job...
Do we have time? OK, l wanna show
you what l'm really interested in.
Come on, let's go.
Wow! Looks like somebody got an "A"
in wood shop.
Yeah, it's always been
kind of a hobby.
l whittled that out of beechwood.
lt's beautiful.
So, what got you into carpentering?
Carpentry?
l guess l'd have to say Jesus.
He was a carpenter and l figured
if you're gonna follow in someone's
footsteps, who better than Christ?
Hm.
Greg's Jewish.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Well, so was JC!
Wow. You're in good company.
Ha! Right.
l'm gonna head to the pool,
but why don't you show
Greg and Pam the gift?
(Greg) You made a gift?
(Pam ) Greg.
l just put a fresh coat of lacquer on
this, so bear with me with the fumes.
Wow! Kev!
- lsn't that something?
- That's incredible!
Roses. Deb's favourite!
- Yes, right.
- The little holes are for candles?
Yes. Later, they'll collect
rainfall and make a tiny birdbath.
That's great.
lt's beautiful. What is it?
lt's an altar.
Or you might call it a chuppah?
lsn't that sweet? Wow.
l'll take it to the Byrnes'
and tomorrow Robert and Deborah
will meet beneath it
to become man and wife.
And later, when they purchase a home,
maybe it'll grace their garden.
Well, that's my...
sappy, romantic idea.
lt must have taken forever to build.
Not too bad.
About 70 hours, which isn't bad,
considering l carved it by hand
from one piece of wood.
(Jack) 'Hey, Kevo! 12:15.
Time to start the barbecue.'
OK, Mr B.
l better get back to playing host.
You guys grab your suits
and l'll meet you at the pool.
l'm gonna pass on the swimming.
You can't!
l don't even have a suit.
(Jack) 'Pamcake,
Pop's got your suit out here.'
- Coming, Dad.
- You gotta get going.
Gosh, she's great. Congratulations.
Thank you. And by the way, she had
the nicest things to say about you.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Hm.
Gosh, yeah,
we had some good times together.
Whoo, she is a tomcat!
Whew! So, let me hook you up
with some trunks, Gregor.
- l'm not gonna swim...
- l'm not taking no for an answer.
(Kevin ) Cold buffet's on the left,
wine and champagne on the right.
Yeah, that'd be grea...
Hey, there he is! Get out here.
(Wolf whistle )
G-man, we got salmon,
we got swordfish. What'll it be?
Uh...how about a little of both...
K-dog... l'm pretty hungry.
l think they call that the munchies.
(Bob ) Let's go.
Come on, Kev. Serve it up!
Damn!
Come on, team. He's got nothing!
Service!
- Nice serve, pal.
- All right!
Whoa, yes!
Get it!
Come on!
- Nice shot, Maverick!
- Sweet setup, lceman!
(Larry ) Nice one, Nurse!
- Glen, don't be afraid of the ball.
- lt's Greg.
Huddle up, team.
Not Glen. Greg is afraid of the ball.
This is unacceptable!
Here's what we gotta do.
- (Kevin ) Let's go!
- We're getting creamed.
lf Florence Nightingale
played some defence...
- Larry, l missed one shot.
- lt was a big shot!
Larry, keep floating. Denny, go deep.
Greg, nobody's
expecting much from you
so if l set you up can you spike it?
Yeah, l'd have to be pretty high.
- l bet you would, Panama Red.
- (Larry sniggers )
- All right, look sharp.
- Let's play ball!
Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
You got to spike those, Focker!
You got to spike.
Look how Bob did it.
Thanks.
Fire it up, Focker!
- Let's do it! Good shot!
- Way to go, Deb!
Greg!
(Roaring in slow motion )
- What's the matter with you?
- lt's only a game!
(Debbie wailing)
My eye! Oh, my eye!
- (Jack) Pam, help your sister.
- l'm sorry, Deb.
You can see "Voight"
backwards on your forehead.
Denny!
You the bandleader?
Go over song selection with Bob. Bob!
- Are you a Mr Focker?
- Yes.
- OK, sign here, please.
- Thank you.
Hey, your suitcase.
You made sure it's all there?
Yeah, it's fine. What's up?
Just want to make sure you're OK
since hitting that spike.
- l'm really sorry about that.
- That's OK.
l don't know what
got into me, lceman.
- lceman?
- Sorry, is it special for you two?
- No, Greg. Stop it.
- Stop what, lceman?
Top Gun was a very popular movie
when we dated. That's it.
Hey, lceman,
l have no problem with that.
Do you wanna be Maverick?
ls that what this is about?
l can't be, Kevin's Maverick.
No, he used to be,
but we can change that.
Can he be Goose?
No, because Goose dies in the end.
lt's very sad.
- Honey, l don't...
- Greg, shut up.
OK.
Dad! You ever think of knocking?
Not in my own den.
What are you two doing?
l'd say rounding second base.
This is Greg's room, Dad.
Not now - it's storage. Greg's in
Deb's room and she'll bunk with you.
- Fine. Come on, Greg.
- l'll be right up.
- Oh, good. They found your suitcase.
- Yeah.
l don't know
what happened at the tux shop
but if l gave you
the wrong impression
regarding Pam in any way,
l'm sorry, OK?
l have the best intentions with Pam.
Actually,
there's something in my suitcase
that l plan to give her
that l think, um,
symbolises...
(Jack banging about)
..the level of my commitment to her.
And l wouldn't feel right
asking her to wear it
without her father's
permission... Jack?
Did you flush this toilet?
Maybe... You know what?
Maybe Jinx flushed it.
l saw Jinxy come in last night
and squat and relieve himself.
Jinx knows not to use that toilet.
lf he did, he'd never flush it.
What does it matter?
The matter, Greg RN, is when
this toilet is flushed, it runs.
With a near-full septic tank
and toilet running all night,
you could have a problem.
Mr Byrnes?
(Man ) This is not part
of my job description.
Nice stench.
Really on a roll there, bud.
Bite me, Denny.
ln 20 hours there's a wedding here,
so l need my cesspool pumped now.
Not tomorrow, now!
Dad, what's going on? Oh, my God.
What's that smell?.
That smell, Bob, is our shit.
Focker made the septic tank overflow.
Jack, l told you it wasn't me.
lt was Jinx.
Focker, l'm not gonna tell you again!
Jinx cannot flush the toilet!
He's a cat, for Christ's sakes!
He doesn't have thumbs, Focker!
- Hey, look at this!
- Kevo!
Over by the tree, right?
No, no, not on the lawn.
Stay where you are!
- Not on the lawn!
- Kevin!
No, no!
(All) No!
- Oh!
- No, no!
What the heck?
# l got my mojo working
# Just won't work on you
# l got my mojo working
# Just won't work on you... #
Oh, no!
That's what l said l wanted
cos it is a black Samsonite suitcase.
But, you think that
it's possible that Samsonite,
in some crazy scheme to turn
a profit, made more than one?
- 'l don't think so, sir.'
- Really, you don't? Hey!
Jinxy, stop.
l know l signed for it...
Don't tell me... What?
Do me a favour.
Can l talk to your supervisor?
- Hmm? What's your name?
- 'Joy.'
- Get me your supervisor.
- 'He's on a break.'
When he gets back,
have him give me a call, OK?
lt's a very important bag.
(Meow )
Jinx!
Don't ask me what for,
l just need you to do this thing.
l'm in a time situation
so just do it.
- 'OK. Greg Focker?'
- Greg or Gregory. Run both names.
Psst! Jinx! Psst, psst!
Come on! No! Jinx, come here! Jinxy!
Mew, mew, mew.
No! No! Jinx! Shit!
Greg didn't ace his med school
Boards. He never even took the MCATs.
Oh, Jack, that's what you had
your sources check out?
What this poor boy did
on some test scores?
l bet he doesn't
have a real nursing degree.
A lot of these hospital workers
are pill poppers looking for 'ludes.
We know he's been puffing
the magic dragon.
l knew the little cracker was lying.
Jinxy! Come here.
Come here, little Jinxy.
Oh.
(Meow )
# Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat
# l won't hurt you #
The fact is, Greg lied to you.
He did not lie to me, Dad!
You should know the truth. l love you
too much to see you get hurt.
l don't care what
your information says,
Greg took the MCATs, OK?
(Phone )
- (Man speaking Thai)
- (Speaking Thai)
(Meow )
(Meow )
- (Meow )
- Oh!
- (Meow )
- Shit!
Whoa!
No! No!
No!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
All right, all right, stand back!
Stay back. Call 911.
(Pam ) Jinxy. Jinxy!
We checked every yard,
nobody's seen him.
He's not up in the trees.
- Jinx isn't up here.
- The neighbours haven't seen him.
You tried to milk him,
you son of a bitch!
Dad, stop it! That's enough!
Please calm down.
How? 15 minutes to go
and the ring bearer's missing.
- The ring bearer?
- Your daddy didn't tell you?
He taught Jinx to walk down
the aisle with this little pillow.
Oh, no, no, you didn't, Dad.
Yeah, you put this around the neck
and the ribbons are for the rings.
Oh, for Christ's sakes!
- Oh, Dad.
- Now we can't have the rehearsal.
Bob, you ride with me.
Larry, come with your car.
lf we're not back in an hour,
we'll reschedule for the morning.
No! We cannot cancel the rehearsal
for some stupid cat.
How could you say that? That cat's
been like a brother to you!
We just let him wander the streets
without food, water or toilet?
- Dad, Greg'll find him.
- What?
Yeah, what?
That's wonderful.
Fine.
Fine. OK. Denny? Denny? Denny!
Dad, l'm here.
Oh, OK.
You'll be the ring bearer for now.
l'm not wearing that stupid pillow
on my head.
Oh, yes, you damn well will!
Jinx!
Jinx! Come on, Jinx.
"Let him wander the streets
without food, water or toilet...
"Focker"!
Actually, you may be in luck.
They brought in a Himalayan
a little while ago.
There he is.
Holy shit! That's Jinx!
- Jinxy...
- Uh, let me see that photo again.
Picture him without the stupid cap.
Jinxy! Jinxy!
Uh, no.
You see, in the picture
your cat has an all black tail,
and this one has a white tip.
No, l'm sorry about that, chief.
Looks just like him.
Almost. Except for that tail.
(Chainsaw whining)
- Dearly beloved...
- (Crash)
Dearly beloved!
We are gathered here today
to join Dr Robert Banks...
(Whining and crashing)
Dearly beloved!
We are gathered here
on this beautiful day to join...
(Meowing)
..in holy matrimony.
This is a special day...
He found him!
lt's him!
Oh, Daddy, it's Jinx!
My little baby!
We found you!
We found you!
(Pam ) This is great!
- (Bob ) Way to go, Greg!
- Gave us a little scare, huh?
Jinxy! Aww...
# Ohh
# Oh, for once in my life
# l got someone who needs me... #
To Greg!
(All) To Greg!
- (Dina ) Where is Greg?
- ln the rest room.
Yes, l've tried every shelter
in the north shore.
He's a brown and black Himalayan
with an all black tail.
Mr Jinx.
Yeah, you check. l'll call back.
(Laughter)
- Hey, it's the man of the hour.
- Hey-hey!
Sorry, folks. Had to pay
a visit to the urinal fairy.
Greg, nice work with the cat today.
Thanks, Jack. Glad l could help.
Hey, we never did finish
that little convo in the den.
So there is still something
l'd like to talk about.
We'll get right to it
as soon as we get back.
l'm gonna hold you to that.
Circle of Trust.
Guess who's back in
the Circle of Trust?
(Paper tearing)
(Chewing)
(Meowing)
Whoo!
Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
l should ask him to dance.
What do you think?
Sure. He could, uh, whittle
a private dance floor for you two.
l'm serious.
l saw some beechwood outside.
He's very handy.
He's an extremely handy...
and crafty craftsman.
l shouldn't say that, but...
Come on, seriously. Part of you
wishes you ended up with him.
Yes, he's very talented.
But it would have never worked out.
Why not?
l was never in love with Kevin.
l'm in love with you.
- That's a good explanation.
- Think so?
- Thought you'd like that.
- l do.
l'm glad.
No, Jinx. Mr Jinx.
l called you half an hour ago.
OK, l already...
l already described it.
Airline.
Uh, it's, um...
lt's...brown...
With a little bit of black...trim.
Yes.
'Please enter your four-digit code.'
(Entering numbers )
'Jack, it's Hank from next door.
'Guess who wandered over here today?
'Mr Jinx. He's not wearing
his collar, but it's Jinxy.
'So just give me a jingle
when you guys get home,
'and l'll bring the rascal over.'
OK, just, uh, keep checking, please,
and l'll call back. Thanks.
- Any luck?
- No, they're still looking.
Jack, this is a great party.
Sometimes things just come together
in their own...kookie sort of way.
Yeah. Like the way you found Jinxy
at that animal shelter, huh?
Yeah-huh. Right.
- Well, he's home now.
- Yes.
You know,
something about that ball of fur
just puts a big smile on my face.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
You haven't seen his new tricks?
No. Mm-mm.
- Well, l'll show you.
- We don't have to do it tonight.
- He's probably tired.
- No, he'd like to show you tonight.
(Linda ) Honey, l'll drive.
- Hey, Larry, why don't l drive?
- Good idea!
l've always wanted
to test-drive a Benz.
Be my guest, Focker.
- Sweetie, what are you doing?
- Larry said l could drive.
Oh.
- Let's go. Hurry, hurry.
- Bye, guys.
- (Linda ) Thanks for driving, Greg.
- (Tyres squealing)
- Drives better than a Taurus, huh?
- Yeah.
- Get in the car, honey. Hurry up.
- OK, OK.
- (Tyres squealing)
- (Dina ) Whoa, Nelly!
(Larry ) Everybody comfortable?
(Tyres screeching)
You're a little wild man
at that wheel!
That's a ride, man!
Got your seat belts on back there?
Oh, Jesus, Focker!
- Jeez, take it easy!
- Benz drives like a dream.
Don't make it a nightmare.
Oh, there's Jack.
Hey, Jackie.
(Revving engine )
You wanna play, pops? Let's play.
(Revving engine )
(Linda ) OK, now, Greg... Greg?
(Tyres screech)
(Tyres screech)
ls everything OK, honey?
Yeah, just trying to make good time.
What is the matter with you?
All right,
we're gonna get home, very soon.
(Women screaming)
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
lt's not the autobahn! Come on, Greg!
(Brakes screech)
(Linda ) Maybe you
should drive, honey.
Oh, no. Oh, no, please.
- Yes!
- Jack just turned.
You were supposed to make that left
at the light...Focker.
(Linda ) l'm gonna be sick.
(Denny ) Where is he going?
(Bob ) Home, home, home.
(Linda ) What a ride.
(Denny ) Who gave him the keys?
OK, we're out.
(Larry ) Does he have a licence?
(Denny ) Yeah, a licence to kill.
(Bob ) Hey, nice driving, Mario!
Lunatic. You're a lunatic!
(Pam ) Aw, leave him alone.
(Debbie screams )
(All talking)
- lt's everything!
- The cat!
God damn you, Jinx! l'll get you...!
Dad! Hey, hey! Dad! Calm down!
Where's the cat?!
- (Larry ) Cat got out! Cat got out!
- All right...
You spray-painted his tail to make
him look like Jinxy, didn't you?
What's he talking about?
Hank Macatee called me
and told me he found Jinxy.
He put his collar on an impostor,
then spray-painted his tail,
then he tried to beat us back
to get rid of the evidence!
Oh, no, he...
Please tell me that's not true, Greg.
lt was just a temporary solution
until l could find the real Jinx.
How could you do something like that?
l'm sorry.
What are you gonna say next -
that you set Kevin's altar on fire?
Oh, my God!
Well, it wasn't intentional.
l was...chasing Jinx...
l had a smoke,
and l think l lit something...
l don't know. He put so much...
goddam lacquer on that thing.
lt was an accident waiting to happen!
This is very disappointing, Greg.
Get out of my house, Focker,
and take your friend with you.
So you lied about everything?
The cat, the fire...
- The MCATs...
- l didn't lie about the MCATs.
Pam, don't you see?
Your dad has turned you against me!
l didn't turn her against you.
You did that.
Jack, you didn't like me
from the second l walked in here!
l'm a very accepting person, Focker.
All l ask for is honesty.
You want honesty?
You wanna talk about
truth and honesty?
OK, let's talk a little operation...
Ko Samui...
- Jack.
- What's he talking about, Dad?
l thought there weren't any secrets
inside the Circle of Trust.
- l don't know what you mean.
- You don't, huh?
Cat got your tongue?
Pam, Daddy's planning
a covert operation in Thailand
for the day after the wedding.
You are?
Round and round we go, Jack.
They'd love to hear about
your rendezvous in the parking lot,
where the guy gave you
the passports and documents?
Or your little phone call in Thai?
(Scoffs ) Jack can't talk Thai.
Oh, no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai.
Jack talks Thai very well.
l'm sorry, Pam,
but your dad is not retired.
He's still very much in the ClA.
Daddy?
He...he's right. He's right.
l...l... My...my cover's blown.
l...l am planning a secret operation
the day after the wedding.
What?
A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob.
You stupid son of a bitch!
You just blew it!
What?
Ko Samui's an island
off the coast of Thailand!
That guy in the parking lot
is my travel agent!
He was giving me their visas!
Wow, Thailand.
Thanks a lot, JB. That's some...
Don't mention it. l just...
You know, if nursing doesn't work
out, you have a career in espionage.
(Sniggers )
Thanks, Greg.
Well, l guess l'm gonna
go to the airport now.
l guess you're gonna stay here?
Pam, l...
lt's OK. lt's OK.
Gaylord M. Focker?
"Gaylord"?
Yeah, that's me.
- l thought your name was Greg?
- lt is.
- That's not on the form.
- lt's my legal name,
since l was in third grade.
(Sniggering)
(Courier) Whatever.
Wait, wait, wait.
Your name's Gay Focker?
(Laughter)
- Denny.
- l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
lt's not a normal name, you know?
You're in luck. There is room...
(Typing)
And without a Saturday stay-over
that fare difference will be
$1,137 and 11 cents.
- Did you want me to book this seat?
- OK. All right.
- (Typing)
- Did you want to check any bags?
We should be all right
with only one usher.
l'm not so sure, Jack.
Thought you might like to see this.
- How did you get this?
- l have my sources too.
l called Gaylord -
AKA Greg's parents in Detroit.
They saved his SATs, too,
in case you're interested.
Oh, honey, it doesn't matter
if he did well in some test.
Look at this! He almost destroyed
the wedding because he lied!
l love you, Daddy...
but you can be a real jerk sometimes.
So what if he took the MCATs?
He's still not good enough for Pam.
Who is, Jack?
Nobody has ever been good enough
for your Pam.
l mean, do you realise that you
never even warmed up to Kevin
until she broke up with him?
Maybe it's time to think
about what Pam wants.
Greg, it's me.
l'm sure you're in the air by now,
so, um, l guess you'll get this
when you get home.
Um...
Listen, l am so sorry.
l acted like
a complete idiot, and...
And l hope that you can forgive me.
l mean, l...l don't care about...
the fire or the cat or...
l mean, l can't believe you
actually...spray-painted a cat...
lt's actually really gross.
But the point is that...
that l understand
why you did it, and...
and l love you.
l want you to know that l really,
l really, really love you and...
So when you get this,
will you please call me?
OK, bye.
l need a commercial flight lD scan.
New York, La Guardia to Chicago.
Four-hour sweeps,
last name Foxtrot-Oscar-
Charlie-Kilo-Echo-Romeo,
first name Golf-Alpha-Yankee...
'Gaylord Focker, Atlantic American
flight 27. Departs 2:35.'
- 2:35?
- 'Affirmative.'
23 minutes. Thanks.
(Clerk) Enjoy your flight.
Hello.
Sorry, we're only boarding rows
nine and above. You'll have to wait.
l'm in row eight.
Please step aside, sir.
lt's one row. ls it OK if l...?
We'll call your row momentarily.
Step aside, sir.
Hm.
(Through PA) Thank you for waiting.
We're now boarding all rows, please.
All remaining rows.
Oh. Hello.
Mm-hm. Enjoy your flight.
(Horns honking)
Excuse me.
OK, where's the fire, huh?
- Sir, you'll have to check that.
- l got it.
- No, sorry, that bag won't fit.
- l'm not checking my bag.
Don't raise your voice, sir.
l'm not raising my voice.
This would be raising my voice!
l don't wanna check my bag.
And your airline,
you suck at checking bags.
l did that once and you lost it,
and everything screwed up for me.
l assure you your bag will be placed
safely below with the other luggage.
Oh, yeah? How do you know
my bag is safe below?
Are you gonna take my bag
and put it there?
Are you gonna go with the guys with
the earmuffs and put it there?
- No.
- OK, then shut your pie hole
and listen to me when l say
that l am finished with the
checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Sir, if a bag is this large...
OK, you know what? Get your
grubby little paws off of my bag!
lt's not like l have a bomb
to blow up the plane.
l just want to stow my bag
according to regulations!
Sir! Sir!
lf you would take the sticks
out of your head you would see
that all l have to do
is do what l wanna do,
and all l wanna do is hold on
to my bag and not listen to you.
The only way l would let go
would be if you tried to pry it
from my dead, lifeless fingers, OK?
lf you can get it from my
kung-fu grip, then you can have it.
Otherwise, step off, bitch!
(Gasps )
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Keep your... Agh!
Hey! You can't leave
your vehicle unattended!
So tow it.
You threatened that stewardess.
l was just trying to get my bag
into the overhead storage thing!
- You threatened her with a bomb!
- l said l didn't have a bomb!
- You said bomb.
- l said l didn't have a bomb.
- You said bomb on an aeroplane
- What's wrong with that?
You can't say "bomb" on aeroplanes.
Bomb, bomb, bomb.
Bomb, bomb, bomb-bomb.
Bomb bo-bo-bomb
bo-bom-bom-bo-bomb!!
- Arrest me!
- Assaulting an...
What if l was a bombardier?
Norm.
Take five. We got a specialist.
Bye, Norm.
Oh, shit. How'd you get here?
l'm everywhere, Focker.
- l didn't do anything, Jack.
- Yeah, l know.
Then tell these guys
that l'm not a terrorist.
l'm not telling anyone anything
until you answer some questions.
Unless you wanna go to prison,
you better tell me the truth.
No more lies, understand?
No more lies.
- Did you do this?
- Answer the question.
- Did you get me taken off the plane?
- Put your hands over there.
You're sick, you know that?
ls your name Gaylord Focker?
Yes or no.
Yes.
- Are you a male nurse?
- Yes.
- Are you a pot head?
- No.
- Have you ever smoked pot?
- Yes.
Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat
to pass him off as Mr Jinx?
Yes.
Because you were seeking my approval?.
Yes.
- Because you love Pam?
- Yes.
Do you want to marry her?
Do you want to marry her?
l did.
Till l met you.
What does that mean?
l love your daughter.
l love her more than anything.
But frankly, sir, l'm terrified
of being your son-in-law.
This weekend has made me doubt that
l could even survive in your family.
l think you've got
some serious issues.
lf l lighten up, would you
consider marrying my daughter?
Would you lighten up a lot?
- Y...
- Yes or no?
- Yes.
- Would you let us live our lives?
l promise not
to interfere in your lives.
Stop making fun of me
for being a nurse?
Could you at least try
to consider another profession?
- Jack, yes or no?
- Ever?
- No.
- OK, yes.
- Let me and Pam sleep together?
- Don't push it, Focker.
You're in a real mess.
Would you support my daughter
the way she deserves to be?
Yes.
Would you be honest and faithful?.
Yes.
Will you devote yourself entirely
to her for the rest of your life?
Of course.
Gaylord Focker...
Will you be my son-in-law?
(Door creaks )
Greg? l thought you were
going back to Chicago.
We had a little plane trouble.
Plus, your dad caught up
with me at the airport.
Don't...don't worry, it's OK.
We worked out a lot of our issues.
You and my dad worked out
a lot of your issues?
He gave me his human lie detector
thing, but l passed.
- Good.
- Yeah.
And...
then he proposed.
Are you feeling all right?
Listen...
This weekend was a nightmare.
Oh.
l had this elaborate plan,
but somewhere...
between giving your sister
a black eye and...
setting the house on fire,
it kind of went off track.
l just... l love you.
l love you so much.
l don't know, it makes no sense...
l think he's about to do it.
Come on, honey.
Give 'em some privacy.
Shh-shh!
And if we can get through...what we
got through in the last 48 hours,
we could get through anything.
l think so, too.
- And l don't...
- Wait, hang on a sec.
(Whispers ) Mr Jinx.
Mew mew mew mew. Mew mew mew mew.
Hi, Jinx...
lt's a ring.
l like to think of it
as a little circle of trust.
Pam...
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Attaboy, Greg.
That "circle of trust" thing,
that's mine.
Well, looks like we've got
another wedding to plan.
Yup. Just got to do one more thing.
- What's that?
- Meet his parents.
- Jack...
- Honey, relax.
l'm sure they're wonderful,
fascinating people.
Good night, Jack.
l mean, they'd have to be, right?
To name their son Gaylord Focker?
(Pam sighs )
Do you, Deborah Byrnes, take Robert
Banks to be your wedded husband?
Yes! l mean, l do!
l now pronounce you man and wife.
Let's just see if you really can
flush the toilet, Jinxy.
l knew it.
(Greg) 'Oh! Shit!'
l knew it.
'Damn!'
That's my future son-in-law.
What do you think?
'Hello, Jack.
'Aw, look at that. Nice, Jack. Hi.
'What's that, Jack? What?
'You're a big, fat, ClA man, huh?
'Did they teach you THAT...?
They teach you THAT?
'Oh, yeah, what's that, Jack?
'You thought "Puff" was just the
name of the boy's magic dragon?
'Not too quick on the uptake, huh?
'Why don't you ask Denny?
Not onto that one, huh?
'Surprising for a big
ClA pulse detector.
'Ooh, hey, check my pulse
on this question.
'Do l think you're a psycho? Yes.
'What? Oh, you like
my little...gift?
'What? The Jerusalem what?
'l can't hear you.
Jerusalem tulipoosy-posly-lit...?
'What? Oh, you don't know shit
about flowers. You want me to what?
'A question? Sure...
'Can you deal with THAT?!'
# When you're a fool in love
# Seems like the skies
are always grey
# You turn around,
there's someone in your way
# And it's you
# And you're in love
# Never another spring for you
# Never a robin to sing for you
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool
# ln love
# Quand tu es fou d'amour
# Le ciel parat toujours plus bleu
# Tu te retournes
y'a quelqu'un qui te gne
# Mais c'est toi, tu es amoureux
# Jamais un autre printemps pour toi
# Jamais les oiseaux
chanteront pour toi
# Tu es tout perdu tout seul
# Quand tu es fou d'amour
# Des fois tu crois voir
ta chance tourner
# Devant toi surgit un arc-en-ciel
# Mais quand tu es fou d'amour
# Tu restes fou jusqu'au
dernier jour
# Never another spring for you
# Jamais les oiseaux chanteront
pour toi
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool in love #
# Who's gentle and kind
# And l'll show you
# A loser
# Now show me a man
# Who takes what he wants
# Oh, how exciting
# Oh, how exciting
# So the poets sing
# When you're a fool in love
# And nothing goes the way you plan
# And no one cares
# And no one understands
# That you're a fool
# And you're in love
# Never another spring for you
# Never a robin to sing for you
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool in love
# When you're a fool in love
# Seems like the skies
# Are always grey
# You turn around,
there's someone in your way
# And it's you
# And you're in love
# Sometimes you think
that your luck has changed
# And a rainbow explodes
'cross the sky
# But when you're a fool in love
# You'll be a fool
till the day you die #
(Man ) l know we haven't been
together that long,
but these last 10 months have been
the happiest of my life.
You're not only the person l love,
you're also my best friend...
and l want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Seriously, do you think
that sounds good?
- No!
- Really? Cos l think that...
No!
Oh! Oh! Sorry. Sorry.
Sometimes these catheters
can pinch a little bit.
Well, thanks. l appreciate it.
You got a real gentle touch
there, Doctor.
She won't be able to say no.
Actually, l'm a nurse.
Doctor'll be right in.
- Good luck, Greg.
- Thanks, Cameron.
OK, it's time for
our problem of the week.
l want you to pick out
your problem,
a problem that's been
bothering you all week.
With your eyes still closed...
l want you to picture
that problem in your mind.
Pretend it's right there
in front of you.
..not only my best friend,
but you're also
the person that l...
want to spend the rest
of my life with.
l love you. Will you...marry me?
Now l want you to scare
your problems away.
- l want you to say "boo"!
- Boo!
- BOO!
- BOO!
All right, you guys are great.
Very good.
l will see you guys after lunch.
Pam, isn't that your special friend?
Yeah, l think so.
- Why don't you talk to him?
- You think l should?
(Kids ) Yeah!
Come here!
(Giggling)
- Hi, sweetie.
- How're you doing?
l was in the area, got off early,
thought you'd want to go eat.
That's very sweet.
What a nice surprise.
Oh, shoot!
l forgot to change my shoes.
That's OK. You know l can't resist
a man in nurse's shoes.
l got my sneakers here.
Let me change. lt'll take a second.
Huh! OK.
- Honey?
- Hmm?
- Pam.
- Yeah?
- l love you.
- l love you, too.
Come on, sweetie. l got a half-hour
before l have to be back.
So you wanna go have lunch?
(Chuckling) What are you doing?
Um, nothing. l just love you so much.
These last 10 months...have been
the happiest of my life.
Yeah, they've been amazing, but...
What's going on?
Nothing. l just...l just feel like,
you know, we're so close.
You're my best friend, and you're
also the woman that l love, and...
You OK, sweetie? You're acting weird.
l just got a crick in my neck.
l did CPR
on a 300-pound crack head today.
- Want me to massage your neck?
- No, no.
Honey, your kids are
trying to tell you something!
- (Phone )
- Oh, hold on.
Oh, it's my sister. Hello. Hi.
You're engaged? Congratulations!
You're getting married in two weeks?
That's...a little soon.
Mom and Dad...really don't know
Bob very well. Dad was OK with this?
Wow. That was very thoughtful of him.
l can't believe he knew
to ask Dad's permission.
Yeah.
l'm just here with Greg.
He's taking me to lunch. He's OK.
l know you've got to go.
All right. l love you. Bye.
So, what's going on?
Debbie's marrying that guy?
Yeah. ln two weeks.
Dr Bob of Denver. lsn't that great?
Yeah, that's... Didn't they
just meet a few months ago?
Yeah, but he asked her
and she said yes.
Well, he asked my dad first.
Yeah, l overheard that.
So he had to ask his permission?
No, he didn't have to.
Bob just understood
that Dad appreciates that.
- Mm-hm.
- Deb said that Dad loves him.
Bob bought him the perfect gift
that just won him over.
Really. Huh, a gift.
(Pam ) ls it OK to X-ray this?
(Greg) Yeah. lt won't mutate.
- Sir, that's not gonna fit.
- Wait a second.
lt's too big. You got to check it.
(Beep )
Raise your arms, sir.
Look, l got an engagement ring
in the bag,
so l can't open it here,
can't l just carry it on?
lf it don't fit through the frame,
you ain't carrying it on the plane.
531, New York, La Guardia. Check it.
Wait, wait, excuse me...
Don't worry,
it'll be waiting for you there.
(PA) 'Welcome to La Guardia Airport.
Please follow the signs...'
Excuse me. Hi. You lost my bag
and there's a diamond ring inside it.
l didn't lose your anything, sir.
Put your address here
and we'll ship it when it surfaces.
And if it doesn't?
Am l supposed to go the whole weekend
with just these clothes?
(Pam ) lt's great. l just thought
you were getting champagne.
Trust me,
your dad's gonna love this gift.
Well, don't forget he's retired.
He was in the rare flower business,
he'll be interested.
Sounds like they're hard to please.
No, not at all.
He's the sweetest man in the world.
- He's gonna love you. l promise.
- As much as he loves Dr Bob?
(Pam ) Easy on the sarcasm.
Humour is wasted on my parents.
(Greg) What, are they Amish?
(Greg) OK, no jokes.
- What are you doing?
- What?
My dad sees smoking
as a sign of weakness.
- OK, l'll leave them in the car.
- No! He'll check there.
- Oh, gosh...
- What...?!
Yeah, the roof
is probably a better idea.
Oh, and...
we're not living together.
- l thought you said you told them.
- Well...
Hi, Daddy! Hi!
- Oh, l missed you so much, Pamcake.
- l missed you too, Popjack.
(Kissing)
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
(Both) Shortstack, shortstack,
coming up!
Pop-pop, pop-pop, pop-pop-pop!
Where's my widdle girl?.
Mommy! My mom!
Oh, you look so beautiful!
(Pam ) So do you! Look at you!
Oh, l'm sorry.
Mom, Dad, this is Greg.
- Hi, l'm Pam's father, Jack Byrnes.
- lt's great to meet you.
- l'm Dina. Welcome to Oyster Bay.
- Thanks.
What you driving, a Ford?
Uh, yeah. lt's a Taurus.
We were gonna get a mid-size,
but l figure, hey,
pulling down decent bucks,
might as well go all out
and pop for the full-size.
True. lnteresting colour.
You pick it?
Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?
Well, they say geniuses pick green.
- But you didn't pick it.
- (Dina ) Jack!
(Sniffing)
Oh, yucky!
What smells of old sour milk?
Oh, poor Greg got spit up on
by a baby.
He didn't!
He did, Ma, at Lost Luggage.
The airline lost his bag.
Oh! They didn't!
Yeah, they did.
- What about you, honey?
- No, l carried on.
That's my girl!
lt'll turn up, l'm sure.
And Greg, meanwhile,
anything you need, just ask, huh?
That's right. Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, thanks, Jack. You, too.
Yeah, ha ha!
Hey, Momma, looks great!
Really?
We spruced up for the wedding.
This is so nice!
(Jack) We like it.
(Greg) Beautiful.
Oh, now, Greg,
you have a very unique last name.
And we were curious, er,
how do you pronounce it?
Oh. Just like it's spelled.
F-O-C-K-E-R.
Focker.
Hmm... Focker.
Mm-hm.
- l'll get it, honey.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, there he is!
(Pam ) Jinxy!
Come here, baby!
Come to Daddy, Jinxy!
Come on, Jinxy!
Come here. Come to Daddy.
Come on. Oh!
Taught him that in one week.
(Jack) This is Pam's cat, Jinxy.
- Say hello. Wave to Greg.
- Hello, Jinx.
Attaboy!
That took me another week.
- My gosh!
- l didn't know you had a cat.
l left him here
when l moved to Chicago.
Your daddy's best friend!
You won't believe it,
he even taught him to use the potty.
Dad, that's kinda weird.
Why? Now we don't have
to smell kitty litter.
That's right.
How did you teach
the cat to use the toilet?
Easy. l designed a litter box
to put inside the toilet.
Once he got used to it,
l took it away.
Oh! That's... Yeah, makes sense.
But he doesn't like it. Every chance
he gets he tries to squat and bury.
l had to move all my plants.
Plus you got another guy
in the house to leave the seat up.
He can't lift the seat. He lacks
the strength and opposable thumbs.
Ah, right. Opposable...
Didn't think about that.
Jinx is a house cat. He can't go out.
He lacks survival skills.
lt's just one of those things.
l don't think Greg will
be playing with Jinxy. He hates cats.
Pam, l don't hate cats.
l don't... l just happen
to be more of a dog lover.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's OK if you hate cats, Greg.
l don't. l don't hate cats...at all.
That's OK. Just be honest about it.
There's some things l hate.
l'm being honest, really. Like what?
Why don't we let the kids freshen up?
Greg, we'll get you something
to wear from Jack's closet.
OK.
- Oh, honey.
- Yeah?
l'm so happy you're home, sweetheart.
Me, too, Daddy.
Hey, listen, be nice to this one, OK?
l kinda like him.
OK, l'll try.
Thank you.
Shirt fit OK, Greg?
Fantastic. Thanks, Jack.
Good. Tom Collins coming up.
l wish you hadn't said
that l hate cats.
You do hate cats.
But you didn't have to say
right when we met.
l'm sorry. lt just slipped out.
Get your red hot pu-pus!
My goodness! What is that?
Oh, that's just...
a little something from me.
Go ahead, open it up.
Oh, look, honey.
Greg brought us a present!
Oh, isn't that nice?
Look at this. lt's a flower pot...
with the dirt in it.
Mm.
Actually, the real gift
is what's planted in the soil.
The bulb of a Jerusalem Tulip.
Which, l was told,
is one of the rarest and most
beautiful flowers in existence.
Oh, right, right.
Uh, the Jerusalem.
From the Jerusalis tulipizius genus,
yes, yes.
Anyway, the guy said
with regular watering
it should bloom in six months.
Well, we'll look forward to that.
(Pam clears throat)
So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking.
l recently got transferred to triage.
ls that better than a nurse?
No, Mom, triage is a unit of the ER.
That's where all the top nurses work.
- Well...
- No. They do.
Not many men in your profession.
No, Jack. Not traditionally.
Mm-hm.
Pam, did you know that your father
started his own business?
Really? Dad, that's great!
Oh, wow!
Yes, l thought with my experience,
why let retirement stop me?
l really admire that.
So what is it? What's...?
What's the new venture?
Oh, let me ask you a question, Greg.
Let's say you have kids and you wanna
get out of the house, you know?
So you hire a baby-sitter,
someone you think you can trust.
References, experience -
all check out fine.
But, how do you know for certain
that your loved ones
are safe with this stranger?
l mean, can you ever really trust
another human being, Greg?
Sure. l think so.
No. The answer is you cannot.
Let me show you something.
Take a look at this, Greg.
What's this look like to you?
lt looks like a teddy bear.
Smile. You're on nanny camera!
Oh! Oh!
l've seen these advertised on TV.
Not like this you haven't.
Take a look.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh.
Hi. Where's the other camera?
Right here
in this decorative artefact.
- That's great.
- Our cameras are motion activated.
They tape as soon as they
sense any movement.
We can hide them in mirrors,
lamps, you name it.
So no matter where you go...
we'll be watching you.
Couldn't this be construed
as illegal?. lnvasion of privacy?
Greg, when you have little Fockers
running around,
you'll see the need for protection.
(Pam ) Yeah.
- lmpressive, isn't it?
- Quite.
(Phone )
- l'll get that.
- l'll get it.
OK.
Any problem with the documents?
Good. l'll meet you at the Oyster Bay
drugstore in about 20 minutes.
You gotta be careful
if you call here.
lf l don't answer,
use a southern accent and ask
for the vegetarian special.
(Pam ) And the wedding's on Sunday?
Oh, that wasn't the airline, was it?
No, wrong number. We're out
of Collins, so l'll go to the store.
l thought l just bought some.
You know how that stuff just goes.
Back in a jif.
Well, why doesn't Greg go with you?
You'll need something in case
your suitcase doesn't show up.
- l'm sure it'll show up.
- Yeah.
Don't take a chance. You don't
even have a toothbrush. Go on.
Yeah.
OK, unless you want some privacy.
Why would l need privacy?
No, l didn't...think you would.
OK, let's head out.
- Bye.
- Have fun, you guys.
Pam, he seems wonderful!
He is.
We have the best time together.
Good.
- Now, have you two been mm-mm-mm?
- Mother!
No! Thinking about
anything permanent?
l don't know.
We haven't discussed it, but,
l definitely have
the feeling this is it.
Oh.
Dad seems to like him,
don't you think?
Absolutely.
lt's a big day Saturday.
Yes.
This car's...
You got... What do you use,
unleaded, regular unleaded?
- Premium.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Jack, now that...
Now that we have a second to talk,
l just want you to know
how much Pam means to me.
l know we haven't been together
that long,
but the time that we have spent
together has been incredible.
Greg, how come you don't like cats?
l don't not like cats.
l just...l just prefer dogs.
l mean, l'm just more of a dog
kind of... You know.
You come home, they're...
wagging their little tails,
happy to see you.
You need that assurance, do you?
You prefer
an emotionally shallow animal?.
l...
When you yell at a dog, his tail
goes between his legs
and covers his genitals,
his ears go down.
A dog is easy to break. But cats
make you work for their affection.
They don't sell out like dogs.
Huh.
You like Peter, Paul, and Mary?
(Music starts on stereo )
Yes, l do. l'm a big fan.
# Puff, the magic dragon
# Lived by the sea... #
Great song.
Yeah. One of my favourites.
Who would've thought
it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
What do you mean?
You know, the whole drug thing.
No, l don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
Some people, uh...
think that...
To "puff the magic dragon" means...
they're really... Erm...
To smoke a...smoke...
..a marijuana cigarette.
Well, Puff's just the name
of the boy's magical dragon.
Right.
- Are you a pot head, Focker?
- No! No. What?
No, no, no, Jack.
No, l'm...l'm not. l...
l pass on grass...all the time.
l mean not all the time...
- Yes or no?
- No. Yes. No.
Greg, l'll meet you out front
in about...12 to 15 minutes.
OK.
Oh.
Hey. Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you have any nicotine patches?
No. We have the gum.
All right.
You chew it.
Thank you. And what's your
most expensive bottle of champagne?
Mumm's. lt's on sale for $13.95.
That's it? You don't have a nice
$80 or $100 bottle or something?
You can get a whole bunch of Mumm's.
- Focker?
- Jack. Ready to go?
Rough and ready, yeah.
They ran out of Collins mix.
You been waiting long?
No! l was just reading up about...
..pumps.
Pumps?
Yes. Breast pumps.
l grew up on a farm.
Get your hot buns. Hot patooties.
Wow, Dina, everything looks fabulous.
lt's such a treat
to have a home-cooked meal like this.
Dinner at my house meant fighting
over containers of Chinese food.
Oh, you poor thing! There wasn't
enough food to go around?
No, there was. We just never really
sat down like a family like this.
Oh!
Greg, would you like to say grace?
Uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad.
You know that.
You're telling me
the Jews don't pray, honey?
Unless you have some objection?
No, no, no. l'd love to.
Pam, it's not like
l'm a rabbi or something.
l've said grace at many...
a dinner table.
(Greg) OK.
Oh...dear God...
Thank you.
You are such a good God to us.
A kind and gentle and...
accommodating...God.
And we thank you,
O, sweet, sweet Lord of Hosts,
for the...
..smorgasbord you have so aptly
lain at our table this day...
and each day...by day...
Day by day...by day.
O...dear Lord, three things we pray.
To love thee more dearly,
to see thee more clearly,
to...follow thee more nearly,
day by day...by day. Amen.
Amen.
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Thank you, Greg.
That was interesting too.
Oh. That's a...that's a lovely vase.
lt looks great.
Let me guess, is that one
of your secret cameras too, huh?
Ah-booga-booga-booga! Whooh!
Greg...
(Whispering) That urn holds
the remains of Jack's mother.
Oh. l'm sorry. l'm so sorry. That...
That's all right. You didn't know.
l'm...
That's our Gran-Gran.
We like to think of her
as watching over us as we eat.
Love you, Ma. Miss you.
Miss you every day.
Oh, honey, why don't
you read Greg your poem?
Oh, no. He doesn't want to hear that.
What? No, what poem?
You see, when Jack had to retire
for health reasons...
That's a bunch of malarkey.
..the doctor thought
it would be therapeutic
if he expressed his emotions
in an artistic way.
You wrote a beautiful poem
about your mother.
Please, we really want to hear it.
- Poem! Poem!
- Please?
All right.
lt's a work in progress.
l'm still not happy with it.
As soon as it's ready,
l'm going to glaze it onto a plate
and put it next to the urn.
Nice.
lt's very special.
My Mother...by Jack Byrnes.
You gave me life,
you gave me milk,
you gave me courage.
Your name was Angela,
the angel from heaven.
But you were also an angel of God,
and He needed you, too.
Selfishly, l tried to keep you here,
while the cancer
ate away your organs,
like an unstoppable rebel force,
but l couldn't save you,
and l shall see your face...
nevermore,
nevermore,
nevermore.
Until we meet...
in Heaven.
Oh...
Daddy, that's beautiful.
lt just gets me...
Amazing. So-so-so much love,
yet also so much...information.
lt takes a lot out of him.
Greg, would you like some yams?
Thank you. Oh, yeah.
You must have had vegetables fresher
than that growing up on a farm.
Dad, Greg grew up in Detroit.
He told me he grew up on a farm.
Do they have many farms in Detroit?
No, Dina. Not a lot.
ln fact, Jack, l should clarify this.
l didn't actually grow up...
on a farm per se.
The house that we grew up in
was originally erected
in the early Dutch farm...
colonial style.
So, that plus we had a lot of pets...
Which one did you milk then?
Dad!
Honey, he said he'd pumped milk.
What have you ever milked?
Cat.
A cat?
l milked a cat once.
You wanna hear a story?
Sure.
My sister had a cat and the cat
birthed a litter of kittens.
There must have been 30 of them.
There was this runt,
this sweet little,
Little-Engine-That-Could runt
who could...
Wanted to get up there but couldn't
really get access to the...
To the...uh...teat.
Teat?
Dad.
What have you.
l went in and just simply...
You know, just...
lnto a little saucer.
And then took the saucer
and fed it to Geppetto.
That was his name. Geppetto.
l had...l had no idea
you could milk a cat.
You can milk anything with nipples.
l have nipples. Could you milk me?
OK, can we
change the subject, perhaps?
Oh, champagne! l thought
we could celebrate with some bubbly.
That'd be great. Good idea.
"l have nipples. Can you milk me?"
Well, in a funny way
you've already seen Deb's ring.
Mm-hm. That's true.
Would anybody care for some of
Oyster Bay's finest champagne?
That is so sweet of you.
lsn't that a nice gesture?
Yeah, very nice.
How could l have seen Debbie's ring?
When l gave Bob the OK, l put him
in touch with my diamond guy
and he picked the exact same design
that Kevin gave you.
- Kevin your old boyfriend?
- Thanks, Dad.
Kevin was Pam's fianc.
Ohh!
- Oh.
- Argh!
- Oh!
- Ohh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Jinxy, no! Psst!
- Ohh...
- Jinxy, no!
Shit!
Greg, sweetie, how are you doing?
Fine, considering
l desecrated your grandma's remains,
found out you were engaged and had
your father ask me to milk him.
At least then
he was talking to me, so...
You didn't say you were that close.
- Who, Daddy and me?
- No, Kevin and you.
Do we have to know
everything about each other?
l never knew about your cat-milking.
That was a long time ago, Pam.
OK, well, so was this.
Kevin's and my...
connection was more...
physical than anything else.
Physical?. Like what, like,
you worked out together?
No, no, it was nothing.
lt was...just a stupid sexual thing.
l'm gonna go throw up now.
Oh, Greg. Kevin and l
were only engaged for a month
before l realised it was a mistake.
l-l gave back the ring,
l moved to Chicago
and l met and fell in love with you,
so can we please drop this?
- OK.
- Good.
l just feel this isn't going well.
Your dad hates me.
He doesn't hate you, sweetie.
Just give him a chance, all right?
Maybe he's nervous too, huh?
l thought he would love my gift,
being this big flower guy,
but it's like...he didn't show
the slightest bit of interest.
Listen to me, forget the gift.
You're the most adorable, loving,
sweetest man in the world
and l love you.
And very soon
my parents are gonna see that
and grow to love you too, OK?
OK?
Mm-hm.
Speaking of growing to love you...
- lt's late.
- l know it's late.
But Mr Winkie
is still on Chicago time
and we both know there's only one way
to make Mr Winkie go away, right?
- (Knock on door)
- And there it is.
What's with the robe?
lt's Pam's.
My pyjamas are in the suitcase.
Hey, l'll lend you a pair of Jack's.
- OK, honey?
- Sure.
You don't have to do that.
- No, no.
- No, we have to.
- Thank you.
- (Dina ) You're welcome.
l just want to say
don't worry about what happened.
Oh. Well, thanks, Jack.
l still... l feel horrible, l mean...
Well, it was a horrible thing.
But let's put all that behind us
and enjoy our weekend together.
OK.
Thank you, Daddy.
Chug-chug-chug...
Thank you. These'll do just fine.
Good night.
Night. Why'd you give him
my favourite pair?
Night, see you in the morning,
right?
- Have a good sleep.
- You too.
Oh, no, no, Greg, we made up
the pullout for you down in the den.
Oh. OK, cos Pam said l should sleep
in Debbie's room, but...
Debbie's sleeping here tomorrow
so you'll have more privacy,
your own bathroom.
Just try not to flush the toilet.
lt's a little quirky.
OK.
Oh, one more thing.
Look, l understand you've probably
had premarital relations with my Pam,
but under our roof, it's my way
or the Long lsland Expressway,
is that understood?
Of course. Yeah.
Good. Keep your snake
in its cage for 72 hours.
OK.
(Phone ) 'Welcome to
Atlantic American Airways.
'Customer satisfaction
always comes first.
'We have heavy call logging.
'As your call is important to us
it will be answered in 27 minutes.
'Press 1 to talk to
a representative.'
(Beep )
'We are closed. Please call back.'
Oh!
Sorry.
There's just something about him
that's a little off.
Yeah, yeah. Jack.
We've been through this
with every boyfriend since,
what, middle school?.
l think Greg is a lovely young man.
And honey,
Pam thinks he might be the one.
She said that?
She said those exact words?
Well, l didn't tape record her, Jack,
but that's the impression l got.
l feel sorry that boy never had...
What kind of a family
doesn't sit down for dinner?
Fugitives.
Try to enjoy the weekend, honey.
- Both our daughters are in love.
- That's what l'm worried about.
Oh...
Oh, jeez. l just realised something.
- What?
- Pam's middle name.
Martha... Oh, no.
(Both) Pamela Martha Focker.
(Yells)
"Operation Ko Samui"?
(Jack) Looking for something, Greg?
Oh. Jesus, Jack, you scared me.
Well, l heard a noise so
l came to see if everything was OK.
l just... l'm sorry, l saw a light on
in here and l kinda stumbled in...
That's OK. See anything interesting?
No. Not at all. l mean...l mean,
this is great, though.
l love this... What you...
lt's a cosy little nook.
l noticed you were looking at that.
Yeah.
lt's an antique polygraph machine.
ls that what that is?
l've seen these before
but never up close.
You know what?
Why don't you try that on?
Oh...that's OK.
We'll have some fun!
l'll show you how it works.
- l shouldn't.
- Why? You've nothing to hide.
- No. l know.
- So there's no problem.
- No, there's no problem.
- So try it on.
- OK.
- l'll help you.
Don't worry, you'll enjoy this.
All right.
Looks complicated. Now,
these aren't 100% accurate, right?
You'd be surprised
how accurate they are.
They can tell if someone's lying.
Now l'm gonna ask you some questions.
All you have to do
is answer yes or no.
OK.
All right, let's give it a whirl.
- Did you fly on an aeroplane today?
- Yes, l did.
No peeking. Did we eat
pot roast for dinner tonight?
Yes.
Was it undercooked?
N-n-no, it was rare.
lt was a little rare for my taste,
but l...l wouldn't...
l'm just kidding. l'm just... OK.
(Hyperventilating)
Relax, relax.
The needles are jumping.
Have you ever watched
pornographic videos?
(Needles jumping)
No.
- l mean, well, l don't...
- Yes or no?
Hey.
Hey.
Oh.
What's the matter, you can't sleep?
No, l'm just going over my answers
from the polygraph test
your dad gave me.
- Oh, no, he didn't?
- Yeah, he did.
Well, did you lie to him?
No! l mean... Well, he asked me
if we were living together, l...
What did you tell him?
Nothing. Your mother walked in
and l yanked the thingies off.
Would you react like this if
he shoved bamboo shoots up my nails?
Or does he hook all your boyfriends
up to his little machine?
He doesn't need a machine.
He's a human lie detector.
What?
My father was never
in the rare flower business.
That was just his cover.
He was in the ClA for 34 years.
How could you not tell me this?
l wanted to, honey,
but it was strictly
on a "need-to-know" basis.
So, what, he's in the ClA?
He was a spy? He is a spy...?
No, he was a psychological profiler.
He interrogated double agents
in the company.
Oh, that's great.
l was scared of your dad
when he was a florist.
lt's wonderful to know
l've got a ClA spy hunter on my ass.
Would you stop?
You're doing great, OK?
This is a lot to take in, honey.
l'm sorry.
lt's just weird.
l know, but you're doing fine.
l promise.
- No!
- What's wrong, sweetie?
l forgot. l'm not supposed
to let the snake out.
You what?
l told your dad
l wouldn't touch you.
Well, l'm not in junior high
any more, OK?
No, seriously. l wanna try
to respect his rules, OK?
OK. Fine.
You go ahead and get some sleep
and l'll see you in the morning.
OK.
Morning, Greg.
Morning.
Pam told me she let you in on
a little secret of mine last night.
Yes, she did.
As long as you keep your mouth shut
for the rest of your life,
you're in no immediate danger.
l won't tell.
l'm just being humorous.
Ha. That's funny.
The fact is, Greg,
with the knowledge you've been given
you are now on the inside
of what l like to call
the Byrnes Family Circle of Trust.
l keep nothing from you,
you keep nothing from me
and round and round we go.
OK.
Understood.
OK, good. Come on,
let's go inside and have breakfast.
# Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat,
where are you?
# l love you #
Jinxy.
Not at the table, honey, please.
Attaboy!
Hey, hey, look who's up!
You must be Greg.
Hello.
Somebody had a little visit
from the hair fairy.
Oh, yes.
Nice do. Nice do.
l'll do the intros.
This is my sister Debbie.
- The bride to be. Congratulations.
- Hi.
- And her fianc Dr Bob.
- Oh, call me Bob...MD.
And his parents, Linda Banks.
Hi, how are you?
And the world famous plastic surgeon
Dr Larry.
Oh, now, cut that out!
(All laugh)
- Greg's in medicine too, Larry.
- Oh, really? What field?
Uh, nursing.
- That's good.
- No, really, what field?
Nursing.
Why don't l get you a chair, Greg?
Thank you. Thanks.
So, you didn't want to go
for the MD?
No, l thought about it
but l decided it wasn't for me.
Just as well, Board's a killer.
Actually Greg aced his MCATs.
- You serious?
- No, l did OK.
Oh, he did more than OK, trust me.
Why did you take the test?
l wanted to keep my options open.
Nursing was just better for me.
You can work in
several different areas.
l can focus 100% on patient care.
Doctors have bureaucracy...
Uh-oh! Wasn't your friend Andy
supposed to be here by now?
Oh, l thought Deb told you,
Dr Andy can't make the wedding.
Damn! Now l have to reconfigure
the whole procession.
Um...Bob, why doesn't Greg
stand in for Andy, be the usher?
Oh... No, Pam. No.
That'll be fine.
Bob, Greg will be your second usher.
Uh... Yeah, yeah. OK, sure.
Good. Well, let's all finish up
and get ready to go.
We have a pre-activity briefing
in about 32 minutes.
Really! ln that case,
l'd better get upstairs
and pay a visit
to the shower fairy.
Dina, thank you so...
Hey, you OK?
Why didn't you wake me up?
- l thought you'd like to sleep late.
- Not when l'm a guest.
lt's OK.
No, it's not OK. Tell that
to Dr Torquemada and his lnquisition.
Go take a shower, get dressed
and come down.
- ln what?
- Borrow some of Dad's clothes.
- No, l don't... Come on!
- Why not?
l don't feel comfortable
wearing your dad's underwear.
OK, go wake up Denny
and borrow some of his.
Wake up your brother, who l
never met, to borrow his clothes?
OK. All right. Where's Denny's room?
Top of the stairs, turn right.
(Knocks )
Denny?
Denny?
Denny?
(Rap music)
Hello?
Hey, hey!
What the hell are you doing here?
l'm...l'm Greg, Pam's friend.
Were you sniffing my boxers, dude?
No! Dude, no. She said l could come
up and borrow some clothes from you.
- No, no. Close the door...quick.
- OK.
- You tell anybody l wasn't here?
- No. They think you're asleep,
so, it's all good.
You scared me.
Your dad keeps you guys
under a close watch, huh?
No, it's not that bad.
Your little Pamcake's
got it a lot worse than l do.
Oh! You need some clothes.
Yes, that would be great, thanks.
Hey, glad to hook you up. All right.
Like what you've done
with the crib.
Oh, Lil' Kim. She's phat.
P-H phat.
These ought to do it.
Here you go, chief.
- All right!
- Enjoy.
- Thanks a lot.
- No problem.
Oh, don't worry about
the little covert op, all right?
- Keep it on the low down.
- Down low.
No doubt.
Come get your revised itineraries!
- Larry and Linda.
- Got it.
Bob. Honey.
l'm gonna activate the alarm.
lt'll go off in T minus 16 seconds.
- l don't need a jacket.
- lt's cold out. Hold on.
Here, take Denny's jacket.
Denny, l'm lending Greg your jacket.
- Whatever.
- Let's go.
Fuck!
- Denny! How's the tux fit?
- Dad. Uh...
What's that?
Oh, it's a sculpture
l found in Greg's jacket.
This isn't a sculpture.
lt's a device for smoking marijuana.
Really?
Not mine. lt's not.
Jack. How are you doing?
Like the top hat. lt compliments you.
Can l talk to you for a minute?
Sit down.
Did l not clearly explain
the Circle of Trust to you, Greg?
Mm, yeah. l think l got it.
Then, is there something
you want to tell me?
Mm, l... l don't think so.
Didn't we discuss this in the car?
Oh! Yes! You mean me and Pam.
l'd love to talk to you about that.
Not about Pam,
we're talking about you.
lf l can't trust you, Greg,
then l have no choice
but to put you outside the Circle.
And once you're out,
there's no coming back.
Mmm.
l would definitely
like to stay inside the circle.
Well, then tell me the truth.
OK.
Jack, l don't know
what we're talking about.
All right, Focker, l'm a patient man.
That's what 19 months in a Vietnamese
prison camp'll do to you.
But l will be watching you,
studying your every move,
and if l find that you are trying
to corrupt my firstborn child,
l will bring you down, baby.
l will bring you down to Chinatown.
# What am l gonna do?
# Hard to tell
# No, l'm not gonna kill myself,
but l might as well
l thought
we were going to Kevin's house.
We are, sweetie.
This is Kevin's new house.
Wow.
(Larry ) Amazing house!
(Bob ) Not bad, huh?
Maybe he uses marijuana
for medicinal purposes. People do.
Look, he's been lying from the start.
Hey. Getting some quality time
with the boys?
Yeah. lt was fun.
Listen, l hope this lunch
isn't too weird for you.
Why would "BBQ at Best Man's"
be weird?
Oh, my God, Greg!
l was sure l told you.
Kevin is Bob's best man.
This is his place.
Kevin, your ex-fianc?
(All cheering and greeting)
How does he know Bob?
(Both grunting)
Well, they...went
to Lacrosse Camp together,
and Kevin was the one
who introduced Bob to Debbie.
Lacrosse Camp?
(Kevin ) l was able to salvage this
wood from an old chapel in Nantucket.
(Whistling appreciatively)
(Pam ) The house is amazing.
(Kevin ) Thank you.
OK, the sun is out, the grill
is hot and the pool is luke,
so if l can interest you in a swim
and a BBQ, just follow me.
All right, Kevo. Right on schedule.
- Bring it on!
- Must've cost a fortune.
(Chatter continues )
- You OK, sweetie?
- Yeah.
l'm really sorry. l thought you knew.
lt's not a big deal.
lf l can handle a weekend
without sex and cigarettes,
l can handle your ex-fianc.
OK, thank you.
For the floor you're walking on,
l chose Bolivian wormwood.
lt works well in here.
l have the Viking range and the twin
Sub-Zs. They open up right there.
Oh, l get it. Like, hidden.
- Yeah, kinda blend in.
- Great.
Are you a homeowner, Greg?
No, no. l rent.
Oh.
So, things are going
real well for you, aren't they, Kevo?
Things have been going
so great lately.
l got in early on some wireless lPOs
and the stuff just skyrocketed.
Wow.
Greg, what line of work are you in?
l'm in healthcare.
So you know what l mean. There's lots
to be made with the biotech stuff.
l don't have to tell you that.
How's your portfolio?
l'd say strong...
to quite strong.
Yeah, strike while the iron's hot.
Now's the time.
Greg's a male nurse.
That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Wow. That's great,
to give something back like that.
l'd love to do some volunteer work.
The other day, l saw this dog,
he had, like, a gimp, he couldn't...
lt made me feel terrible.
l wished l could do something.
Well, l get paid,
but also it feels, you know, good,
so it's kind of, everybody wins.
What do you...? You're a Wall Street
trader, an investment guy?
l don't like to be painted with
that brush. Yes, that's my job...
Do we have time? OK, l wanna show
you what l'm really interested in.
Come on, let's go.
Wow! Looks like somebody got an "A"
in wood shop.
Yeah, it's always been
kind of a hobby.
l whittled that out of beechwood.
lt's beautiful.
So, what got you into carpentering?
Carpentry?
l guess l'd have to say Jesus.
He was a carpenter and l figured
if you're gonna follow in someone's
footsteps, who better than Christ?
Hm.
Greg's Jewish.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Well, so was JC!
Wow. You're in good company.
Ha! Right.
l'm gonna head to the pool,
but why don't you show
Greg and Pam the gift?
(Greg) You made a gift?
(Pam ) Greg.
l just put a fresh coat of lacquer on
this, so bear with me with the fumes.
Wow! Kev!
- lsn't that something?
- That's incredible!
Roses. Deb's favourite!
- Yes, right.
- The little holes are for candles?
Yes. Later, they'll collect
rainfall and make a tiny birdbath.
That's great.
lt's beautiful. What is it?
lt's an altar.
Or you might call it a chuppah?
lsn't that sweet? Wow.
l'll take it to the Byrnes'
and tomorrow Robert and Deborah
will meet beneath it
to become man and wife.
And later, when they purchase a home,
maybe it'll grace their garden.
Well, that's my...
sappy, romantic idea.
lt must have taken forever to build.
Not too bad.
About 70 hours, which isn't bad,
considering l carved it by hand
from one piece of wood.
(Jack) 'Hey, Kevo! 12:15.
Time to start the barbecue.'
OK, Mr B.
l better get back to playing host.
You guys grab your suits
and l'll meet you at the pool.
l'm gonna pass on the swimming.
You can't!
l don't even have a suit.
(Jack) 'Pamcake,
Pop's got your suit out here.'
- Coming, Dad.
- You gotta get going.
Gosh, she's great. Congratulations.
Thank you. And by the way, she had
the nicest things to say about you.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Hm.
Gosh, yeah,
we had some good times together.
Whoo, she is a tomcat!
Whew! So, let me hook you up
with some trunks, Gregor.
- l'm not gonna swim...
- l'm not taking no for an answer.
(Kevin ) Cold buffet's on the left,
wine and champagne on the right.
Yeah, that'd be grea...
Hey, there he is! Get out here.
(Wolf whistle )
G-man, we got salmon,
we got swordfish. What'll it be?
Uh...how about a little of both...
K-dog... l'm pretty hungry.
l think they call that the munchies.
(Bob ) Let's go.
Come on, Kev. Serve it up!
Damn!
Come on, team. He's got nothing!
Service!
- Nice serve, pal.
- All right!
Whoa, yes!
Get it!
Come on!
- Nice shot, Maverick!
- Sweet setup, lceman!
(Larry ) Nice one, Nurse!
- Glen, don't be afraid of the ball.
- lt's Greg.
Huddle up, team.
Not Glen. Greg is afraid of the ball.
This is unacceptable!
Here's what we gotta do.
- (Kevin ) Let's go!
- We're getting creamed.
lf Florence Nightingale
played some defence...
- Larry, l missed one shot.
- lt was a big shot!
Larry, keep floating. Denny, go deep.
Greg, nobody's
expecting much from you
so if l set you up can you spike it?
Yeah, l'd have to be pretty high.
- l bet you would, Panama Red.
- (Larry sniggers )
- All right, look sharp.
- Let's play ball!
Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
You got to spike those, Focker!
You got to spike.
Look how Bob did it.
Thanks.
Fire it up, Focker!
- Let's do it! Good shot!
- Way to go, Deb!
Greg!
(Roaring in slow motion )
- What's the matter with you?
- lt's only a game!
(Debbie wailing)
My eye! Oh, my eye!
- (Jack) Pam, help your sister.
- l'm sorry, Deb.
You can see "Voight"
backwards on your forehead.
Denny!
You the bandleader?
Go over song selection with Bob. Bob!
- Are you a Mr Focker?
- Yes.
- OK, sign here, please.
- Thank you.
Hey, your suitcase.
You made sure it's all there?
Yeah, it's fine. What's up?
Just want to make sure you're OK
since hitting that spike.
- l'm really sorry about that.
- That's OK.
l don't know what
got into me, lceman.
- lceman?
- Sorry, is it special for you two?
- No, Greg. Stop it.
- Stop what, lceman?
Top Gun was a very popular movie
when we dated. That's it.
Hey, lceman,
l have no problem with that.
Do you wanna be Maverick?
ls that what this is about?
l can't be, Kevin's Maverick.
No, he used to be,
but we can change that.
Can he be Goose?
No, because Goose dies in the end.
lt's very sad.
- Honey, l don't...
- Greg, shut up.
OK.
Dad! You ever think of knocking?
Not in my own den.
What are you two doing?
l'd say rounding second base.
This is Greg's room, Dad.
Not now - it's storage. Greg's in
Deb's room and she'll bunk with you.
- Fine. Come on, Greg.
- l'll be right up.
- Oh, good. They found your suitcase.
- Yeah.
l don't know
what happened at the tux shop
but if l gave you
the wrong impression
regarding Pam in any way,
l'm sorry, OK?
l have the best intentions with Pam.
Actually,
there's something in my suitcase
that l plan to give her
that l think, um,
symbolises...
(Jack banging about)
..the level of my commitment to her.
And l wouldn't feel right
asking her to wear it
without her father's
permission... Jack?
Did you flush this toilet?
Maybe... You know what?
Maybe Jinx flushed it.
l saw Jinxy come in last night
and squat and relieve himself.
Jinx knows not to use that toilet.
lf he did, he'd never flush it.
What does it matter?
The matter, Greg RN, is when
this toilet is flushed, it runs.
With a near-full septic tank
and toilet running all night,
you could have a problem.
Mr Byrnes?
(Man ) This is not part
of my job description.
Nice stench.
Really on a roll there, bud.
Bite me, Denny.
ln 20 hours there's a wedding here,
so l need my cesspool pumped now.
Not tomorrow, now!
Dad, what's going on? Oh, my God.
What's that smell?.
That smell, Bob, is our shit.
Focker made the septic tank overflow.
Jack, l told you it wasn't me.
lt was Jinx.
Focker, l'm not gonna tell you again!
Jinx cannot flush the toilet!
He's a cat, for Christ's sakes!
He doesn't have thumbs, Focker!
- Hey, look at this!
- Kevo!
Over by the tree, right?
No, no, not on the lawn.
Stay where you are!
- Not on the lawn!
- Kevin!
No, no!
(All) No!
- Oh!
- No, no!
What the heck?
# l got my mojo working
# Just won't work on you
# l got my mojo working
# Just won't work on you... #
Oh, no!
That's what l said l wanted
cos it is a black Samsonite suitcase.
But, you think that
it's possible that Samsonite,
in some crazy scheme to turn
a profit, made more than one?
- 'l don't think so, sir.'
- Really, you don't? Hey!
Jinxy, stop.
l know l signed for it...
Don't tell me... What?
Do me a favour.
Can l talk to your supervisor?
- Hmm? What's your name?
- 'Joy.'
- Get me your supervisor.
- 'He's on a break.'
When he gets back,
have him give me a call, OK?
lt's a very important bag.
(Meow )
Jinx!
Don't ask me what for,
l just need you to do this thing.
l'm in a time situation
so just do it.
- 'OK. Greg Focker?'
- Greg or Gregory. Run both names.
Psst! Jinx! Psst, psst!
Come on! No! Jinx, come here! Jinxy!
Mew, mew, mew.
No! No! Jinx! Shit!
Greg didn't ace his med school
Boards. He never even took the MCATs.
Oh, Jack, that's what you had
your sources check out?
What this poor boy did
on some test scores?
l bet he doesn't
have a real nursing degree.
A lot of these hospital workers
are pill poppers looking for 'ludes.
We know he's been puffing
the magic dragon.
l knew the little cracker was lying.
Jinxy! Come here.
Come here, little Jinxy.
Oh.
(Meow )
# Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat
# l won't hurt you #
The fact is, Greg lied to you.
He did not lie to me, Dad!
You should know the truth. l love you
too much to see you get hurt.
l don't care what
your information says,
Greg took the MCATs, OK?
(Phone )
- (Man speaking Thai)
- (Speaking Thai)
(Meow )
(Meow )
- (Meow )
- Oh!
- (Meow )
- Shit!
Whoa!
No! No!
No!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
All right, all right, stand back!
Stay back. Call 911.
(Pam ) Jinxy. Jinxy!
We checked every yard,
nobody's seen him.
He's not up in the trees.
- Jinx isn't up here.
- The neighbours haven't seen him.
You tried to milk him,
you son of a bitch!
Dad, stop it! That's enough!
Please calm down.
How? 15 minutes to go
and the ring bearer's missing.
- The ring bearer?
- Your daddy didn't tell you?
He taught Jinx to walk down
the aisle with this little pillow.
Oh, no, no, you didn't, Dad.
Yeah, you put this around the neck
and the ribbons are for the rings.
Oh, for Christ's sakes!
- Oh, Dad.
- Now we can't have the rehearsal.
Bob, you ride with me.
Larry, come with your car.
lf we're not back in an hour,
we'll reschedule for the morning.
No! We cannot cancel the rehearsal
for some stupid cat.
How could you say that? That cat's
been like a brother to you!
We just let him wander the streets
without food, water or toilet?
- Dad, Greg'll find him.
- What?
Yeah, what?
That's wonderful.
Fine.
Fine. OK. Denny? Denny? Denny!
Dad, l'm here.
Oh, OK.
You'll be the ring bearer for now.
l'm not wearing that stupid pillow
on my head.
Oh, yes, you damn well will!
Jinx!
Jinx! Come on, Jinx.
"Let him wander the streets
without food, water or toilet...
"Focker"!
Actually, you may be in luck.
They brought in a Himalayan
a little while ago.
There he is.
Holy shit! That's Jinx!
- Jinxy...
- Uh, let me see that photo again.
Picture him without the stupid cap.
Jinxy! Jinxy!
Uh, no.
You see, in the picture
your cat has an all black tail,
and this one has a white tip.
No, l'm sorry about that, chief.
Looks just like him.
Almost. Except for that tail.
(Chainsaw whining)
- Dearly beloved...
- (Crash)
Dearly beloved!
We are gathered here today
to join Dr Robert Banks...
(Whining and crashing)
Dearly beloved!
We are gathered here
on this beautiful day to join...
(Meowing)
..in holy matrimony.
This is a special day...
He found him!
lt's him!
Oh, Daddy, it's Jinx!
My little baby!
We found you!
We found you!
(Pam ) This is great!
- (Bob ) Way to go, Greg!
- Gave us a little scare, huh?
Jinxy! Aww...
# Ohh
# Oh, for once in my life
# l got someone who needs me... #
To Greg!
(All) To Greg!
- (Dina ) Where is Greg?
- ln the rest room.
Yes, l've tried every shelter
in the north shore.
He's a brown and black Himalayan
with an all black tail.
Mr Jinx.
Yeah, you check. l'll call back.
(Laughter)
- Hey, it's the man of the hour.
- Hey-hey!
Sorry, folks. Had to pay
a visit to the urinal fairy.
Greg, nice work with the cat today.
Thanks, Jack. Glad l could help.
Hey, we never did finish
that little convo in the den.
So there is still something
l'd like to talk about.
We'll get right to it
as soon as we get back.
l'm gonna hold you to that.
Circle of Trust.
Guess who's back in
the Circle of Trust?
(Paper tearing)
(Chewing)
(Meowing)
Whoo!
Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
l should ask him to dance.
What do you think?
Sure. He could, uh, whittle
a private dance floor for you two.
l'm serious.
l saw some beechwood outside.
He's very handy.
He's an extremely handy...
and crafty craftsman.
l shouldn't say that, but...
Come on, seriously. Part of you
wishes you ended up with him.
Yes, he's very talented.
But it would have never worked out.
Why not?
l was never in love with Kevin.
l'm in love with you.
- That's a good explanation.
- Think so?
- Thought you'd like that.
- l do.
l'm glad.
No, Jinx. Mr Jinx.
l called you half an hour ago.
OK, l already...
l already described it.
Airline.
Uh, it's, um...
lt's...brown...
With a little bit of black...trim.
Yes.
'Please enter your four-digit code.'
(Entering numbers )
'Jack, it's Hank from next door.
'Guess who wandered over here today?
'Mr Jinx. He's not wearing
his collar, but it's Jinxy.
'So just give me a jingle
when you guys get home,
'and l'll bring the rascal over.'
OK, just, uh, keep checking, please,
and l'll call back. Thanks.
- Any luck?
- No, they're still looking.
Jack, this is a great party.
Sometimes things just come together
in their own...kookie sort of way.
Yeah. Like the way you found Jinxy
at that animal shelter, huh?
Yeah-huh. Right.
- Well, he's home now.
- Yes.
You know,
something about that ball of fur
just puts a big smile on my face.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
You haven't seen his new tricks?
No. Mm-mm.
- Well, l'll show you.
- We don't have to do it tonight.
- He's probably tired.
- No, he'd like to show you tonight.
(Linda ) Honey, l'll drive.
- Hey, Larry, why don't l drive?
- Good idea!
l've always wanted
to test-drive a Benz.
Be my guest, Focker.
- Sweetie, what are you doing?
- Larry said l could drive.
Oh.
- Let's go. Hurry, hurry.
- Bye, guys.
- (Linda ) Thanks for driving, Greg.
- (Tyres squealing)
- Drives better than a Taurus, huh?
- Yeah.
- Get in the car, honey. Hurry up.
- OK, OK.
- (Tyres squealing)
- (Dina ) Whoa, Nelly!
(Larry ) Everybody comfortable?
(Tyres screeching)
You're a little wild man
at that wheel!
That's a ride, man!
Got your seat belts on back there?
Oh, Jesus, Focker!
- Jeez, take it easy!
- Benz drives like a dream.
Don't make it a nightmare.
Oh, there's Jack.
Hey, Jackie.
(Revving engine )
You wanna play, pops? Let's play.
(Revving engine )
(Linda ) OK, now, Greg... Greg?
(Tyres screech)
(Tyres screech)
ls everything OK, honey?
Yeah, just trying to make good time.
What is the matter with you?
All right,
we're gonna get home, very soon.
(Women screaming)
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
lt's not the autobahn! Come on, Greg!
(Brakes screech)
(Linda ) Maybe you
should drive, honey.
Oh, no. Oh, no, please.
- Yes!
- Jack just turned.
You were supposed to make that left
at the light...Focker.
(Linda ) l'm gonna be sick.
(Denny ) Where is he going?
(Bob ) Home, home, home.
(Linda ) What a ride.
(Denny ) Who gave him the keys?
OK, we're out.
(Larry ) Does he have a licence?
(Denny ) Yeah, a licence to kill.
(Bob ) Hey, nice driving, Mario!
Lunatic. You're a lunatic!
(Pam ) Aw, leave him alone.
(Debbie screams )
(All talking)
- lt's everything!
- The cat!
God damn you, Jinx! l'll get you...!
Dad! Hey, hey! Dad! Calm down!
Where's the cat?!
- (Larry ) Cat got out! Cat got out!
- All right...
You spray-painted his tail to make
him look like Jinxy, didn't you?
What's he talking about?
Hank Macatee called me
and told me he found Jinxy.
He put his collar on an impostor,
then spray-painted his tail,
then he tried to beat us back
to get rid of the evidence!
Oh, no, he...
Please tell me that's not true, Greg.
lt was just a temporary solution
until l could find the real Jinx.
How could you do something like that?
l'm sorry.
What are you gonna say next -
that you set Kevin's altar on fire?
Oh, my God!
Well, it wasn't intentional.
l was...chasing Jinx...
l had a smoke,
and l think l lit something...
l don't know. He put so much...
goddam lacquer on that thing.
lt was an accident waiting to happen!
This is very disappointing, Greg.
Get out of my house, Focker,
and take your friend with you.
So you lied about everything?
The cat, the fire...
- The MCATs...
- l didn't lie about the MCATs.
Pam, don't you see?
Your dad has turned you against me!
l didn't turn her against you.
You did that.
Jack, you didn't like me
from the second l walked in here!
l'm a very accepting person, Focker.
All l ask for is honesty.
You want honesty?
You wanna talk about
truth and honesty?
OK, let's talk a little operation...
Ko Samui...
- Jack.
- What's he talking about, Dad?
l thought there weren't any secrets
inside the Circle of Trust.
- l don't know what you mean.
- You don't, huh?
Cat got your tongue?
Pam, Daddy's planning
a covert operation in Thailand
for the day after the wedding.
You are?
Round and round we go, Jack.
They'd love to hear about
your rendezvous in the parking lot,
where the guy gave you
the passports and documents?
Or your little phone call in Thai?
(Scoffs ) Jack can't talk Thai.
Oh, no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai.
Jack talks Thai very well.
l'm sorry, Pam,
but your dad is not retired.
He's still very much in the ClA.
Daddy?
He...he's right. He's right.
l...l... My...my cover's blown.
l...l am planning a secret operation
the day after the wedding.
What?
A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob.
You stupid son of a bitch!
You just blew it!
What?
Ko Samui's an island
off the coast of Thailand!
That guy in the parking lot
is my travel agent!
He was giving me their visas!
Wow, Thailand.
Thanks a lot, JB. That's some...
Don't mention it. l just...
You know, if nursing doesn't work
out, you have a career in espionage.
(Sniggers )
Thanks, Greg.
Well, l guess l'm gonna
go to the airport now.
l guess you're gonna stay here?
Pam, l...
lt's OK. lt's OK.
Gaylord M. Focker?
"Gaylord"?
Yeah, that's me.
- l thought your name was Greg?
- lt is.
- That's not on the form.
- lt's my legal name,
since l was in third grade.
(Sniggering)
(Courier) Whatever.
Wait, wait, wait.
Your name's Gay Focker?
(Laughter)
- Denny.
- l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
lt's not a normal name, you know?
You're in luck. There is room...
(Typing)
And without a Saturday stay-over
that fare difference will be
$1,137 and 11 cents.
- Did you want me to book this seat?
- OK. All right.
- (Typing)
- Did you want to check any bags?
We should be all right
with only one usher.
l'm not so sure, Jack.
Thought you might like to see this.
- How did you get this?
- l have my sources too.
l called Gaylord -
AKA Greg's parents in Detroit.
They saved his SATs, too,
in case you're interested.
Oh, honey, it doesn't matter
if he did well in some test.
Look at this! He almost destroyed
the wedding because he lied!
l love you, Daddy...
but you can be a real jerk sometimes.
So what if he took the MCATs?
He's still not good enough for Pam.
Who is, Jack?
Nobody has ever been good enough
for your Pam.
l mean, do you realise that you
never even warmed up to Kevin
until she broke up with him?
Maybe it's time to think
about what Pam wants.
Greg, it's me.
l'm sure you're in the air by now,
so, um, l guess you'll get this
when you get home.
Um...
Listen, l am so sorry.
l acted like
a complete idiot, and...
And l hope that you can forgive me.
l mean, l...l don't care about...
the fire or the cat or...
l mean, l can't believe you
actually...spray-painted a cat...
lt's actually really gross.
But the point is that...
that l understand
why you did it, and...
and l love you.
l want you to know that l really,
l really, really love you and...
So when you get this,
will you please call me?
OK, bye.
l need a commercial flight lD scan.
New York, La Guardia to Chicago.
Four-hour sweeps,
last name Foxtrot-Oscar-
Charlie-Kilo-Echo-Romeo,
first name Golf-Alpha-Yankee...
'Gaylord Focker, Atlantic American
flight 27. Departs 2:35.'
- 2:35?
- 'Affirmative.'
23 minutes. Thanks.
(Clerk) Enjoy your flight.
Hello.
Sorry, we're only boarding rows
nine and above. You'll have to wait.
l'm in row eight.
Please step aside, sir.
lt's one row. ls it OK if l...?
We'll call your row momentarily.
Step aside, sir.
Hm.
(Through PA) Thank you for waiting.
We're now boarding all rows, please.
All remaining rows.
Oh. Hello.
Mm-hm. Enjoy your flight.
(Horns honking)
Excuse me.
OK, where's the fire, huh?
- Sir, you'll have to check that.
- l got it.
- No, sorry, that bag won't fit.
- l'm not checking my bag.
Don't raise your voice, sir.
l'm not raising my voice.
This would be raising my voice!
l don't wanna check my bag.
And your airline,
you suck at checking bags.
l did that once and you lost it,
and everything screwed up for me.
l assure you your bag will be placed
safely below with the other luggage.
Oh, yeah? How do you know
my bag is safe below?
Are you gonna take my bag
and put it there?
Are you gonna go with the guys with
the earmuffs and put it there?
- No.
- OK, then shut your pie hole
and listen to me when l say
that l am finished with the
checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Sir, if a bag is this large...
OK, you know what? Get your
grubby little paws off of my bag!
lt's not like l have a bomb
to blow up the plane.
l just want to stow my bag
according to regulations!
Sir! Sir!
lf you would take the sticks
out of your head you would see
that all l have to do
is do what l wanna do,
and all l wanna do is hold on
to my bag and not listen to you.
The only way l would let go
would be if you tried to pry it
from my dead, lifeless fingers, OK?
lf you can get it from my
kung-fu grip, then you can have it.
Otherwise, step off, bitch!
(Gasps )
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Keep your... Agh!
Hey! You can't leave
your vehicle unattended!
So tow it.
You threatened that stewardess.
l was just trying to get my bag
into the overhead storage thing!
- You threatened her with a bomb!
- l said l didn't have a bomb!
- You said bomb.
- l said l didn't have a bomb.
- You said bomb on an aeroplane
- What's wrong with that?
You can't say "bomb" on aeroplanes.
Bomb, bomb, bomb.
Bomb, bomb, bomb-bomb.
Bomb bo-bo-bomb
bo-bom-bom-bo-bomb!!
- Arrest me!
- Assaulting an...
What if l was a bombardier?
Norm.
Take five. We got a specialist.
Bye, Norm.
Oh, shit. How'd you get here?
l'm everywhere, Focker.
- l didn't do anything, Jack.
- Yeah, l know.
Then tell these guys
that l'm not a terrorist.
l'm not telling anyone anything
until you answer some questions.
Unless you wanna go to prison,
you better tell me the truth.
No more lies, understand?
No more lies.
- Did you do this?
- Answer the question.
- Did you get me taken off the plane?
- Put your hands over there.
You're sick, you know that?
ls your name Gaylord Focker?
Yes or no.
Yes.
- Are you a male nurse?
- Yes.
- Are you a pot head?
- No.
- Have you ever smoked pot?
- Yes.
Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat
to pass him off as Mr Jinx?
Yes.
Because you were seeking my approval?.
Yes.
- Because you love Pam?
- Yes.
Do you want to marry her?
Do you want to marry her?
l did.
Till l met you.
What does that mean?
l love your daughter.
l love her more than anything.
But frankly, sir, l'm terrified
of being your son-in-law.
This weekend has made me doubt that
l could even survive in your family.
l think you've got
some serious issues.
lf l lighten up, would you
consider marrying my daughter?
Would you lighten up a lot?
- Y...
- Yes or no?
- Yes.
- Would you let us live our lives?
l promise not
to interfere in your lives.
Stop making fun of me
for being a nurse?
Could you at least try
to consider another profession?
- Jack, yes or no?
- Ever?
- No.
- OK, yes.
- Let me and Pam sleep together?
- Don't push it, Focker.
You're in a real mess.
Would you support my daughter
the way she deserves to be?
Yes.
Would you be honest and faithful?.
Yes.
Will you devote yourself entirely
to her for the rest of your life?
Of course.
Gaylord Focker...
Will you be my son-in-law?
(Door creaks )
Greg? l thought you were
going back to Chicago.
We had a little plane trouble.
Plus, your dad caught up
with me at the airport.
Don't...don't worry, it's OK.
We worked out a lot of our issues.
You and my dad worked out
a lot of your issues?
He gave me his human lie detector
thing, but l passed.
- Good.
- Yeah.
And...
then he proposed.
Are you feeling all right?
Listen...
This weekend was a nightmare.
Oh.
l had this elaborate plan,
but somewhere...
between giving your sister
a black eye and...
setting the house on fire,
it kind of went off track.
l just... l love you.
l love you so much.
l don't know, it makes no sense...
l think he's about to do it.
Come on, honey.
Give 'em some privacy.
Shh-shh!
And if we can get through...what we
got through in the last 48 hours,
we could get through anything.
l think so, too.
- And l don't...
- Wait, hang on a sec.
(Whispers ) Mr Jinx.
Mew mew mew mew. Mew mew mew mew.
Hi, Jinx...
lt's a ring.
l like to think of it
as a little circle of trust.
Pam...
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Attaboy, Greg.
That "circle of trust" thing,
that's mine.
Well, looks like we've got
another wedding to plan.
Yup. Just got to do one more thing.
- What's that?
- Meet his parents.
- Jack...
- Honey, relax.
l'm sure they're wonderful,
fascinating people.
Good night, Jack.
l mean, they'd have to be, right?
To name their son Gaylord Focker?
(Pam sighs )
Do you, Deborah Byrnes, take Robert
Banks to be your wedded husband?
Yes! l mean, l do!
l now pronounce you man and wife.
Let's just see if you really can
flush the toilet, Jinxy.
l knew it.
(Greg) 'Oh! Shit!'
l knew it.
'Damn!'
That's my future son-in-law.
What do you think?
'Hello, Jack.
'Aw, look at that. Nice, Jack. Hi.
'What's that, Jack? What?
'You're a big, fat, ClA man, huh?
'Did they teach you THAT...?
They teach you THAT?
'Oh, yeah, what's that, Jack?
'You thought "Puff" was just the
name of the boy's magic dragon?
'Not too quick on the uptake, huh?
'Why don't you ask Denny?
Not onto that one, huh?
'Surprising for a big
ClA pulse detector.
'Ooh, hey, check my pulse
on this question.
'Do l think you're a psycho? Yes.
'What? Oh, you like
my little...gift?
'What? The Jerusalem what?
'l can't hear you.
Jerusalem tulipoosy-posly-lit...?
'What? Oh, you don't know shit
about flowers. You want me to what?
'A question? Sure...
'Can you deal with THAT?!'
# When you're a fool in love
# Seems like the skies
are always grey
# You turn around,
there's someone in your way
# And it's you
# And you're in love
# Never another spring for you
# Never a robin to sing for you
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool
# ln love
# Quand tu es fou d'amour
# Le ciel parat toujours plus bleu
# Tu te retournes
y'a quelqu'un qui te gne
# Mais c'est toi, tu es amoureux
# Jamais un autre printemps pour toi
# Jamais les oiseaux
chanteront pour toi
# Tu es tout perdu tout seul
# Quand tu es fou d'amour
# Des fois tu crois voir
ta chance tourner
# Devant toi surgit un arc-en-ciel
# Mais quand tu es fou d'amour
# Tu restes fou jusqu'au
dernier jour
# Never another spring for you
# Jamais les oiseaux chanteront
pour toi
# You're out there on your own
# When you're a fool in love #