Members Club (2024) Movie Script
1
You're the man, Geoff.
You're the man.
Yes.
Do you mind turning
that doll round, darling?
It's putting me off my stroke.
Okay, ladies.
Loosen up them bras.
And lay down that top pulling.
And please, put
your hands together...
for...
Wet Dreams!
We've been Wet Dreams.
Happy birthday.
I enjoyed that.
I quite like a day time gig.
To be fair, we probably should
have stopped after the first dance.
Lovely cake, though.
Alright, now listen, before you have a
pop at me, I've got dyslexia, all right?
I thought it said it
was a 21st on the ad.
Which 21st birthday
party do you know?
Just starts at one in the afternoon
and serves jelly and fucking ice cream.
Yeah, better than last
month's wake, though.
I thought that one
was all right, actually.
Only because you managed
to cop off with a widow.
What can I say?
I'm like a mature,
grieving lady.
Extra mature.
She was 85.
Hold up a minute,
this is a bit light, innit?
Yeah, correct.
Look, I'm paying you out
my own pocket, all right.
Lily's mum says she
wants us off the premises
in 10, otherwise she's
gonna call the police.
Charlene's gonna hit the roof.
The only thing Charlene's
hitting, Neil, is your cousin's cock.
No. No, actually,
we are back together.
She's coming round tonight.
She's gonna bring
a special sexy friend.
- Yeah, your cousin.
- Yeah.
Come on, lads, quick as you
like, before we end up on a register.
Alright, I'll see you
all the next one, yeah?
Uh, yeah, listen, about that.
I didn't want to do
this today, but um...
I'm selling the company.
What?
I told you.
Let's face it, lads.
It's time to call it a day.
Back to selling houses
full time for me then.
Look, the diary is empty.
You boys aren't
getting any younger.
It's not the 90s anymore.
Look, I think I speak for all of us
when I say we ain't ready to quit yet.
Are we boys?
Yeah, well, nip round the
office on Wednesday and I'll
sort yours out with
some severance pay, yeah?
Vodka jelly!
What?
That's what they have
at 21st birthday parties.
I had one.
You got a problem, son?
It's a real medical
condition, all right?
Not exactly the Kebab
Factory days, is it?
You know, it's still the worst name you've
ever come up with for a stripper-gram?
You're kidding, then?
Should we be the most popular
stripper duo in Zanty for three seasons?
The shows, the girls, the drugs.
Life can't get any
better than that.
Ah, the good old days, eh?
Listen, I want to
buy the company.
With what?
Well, I'm a bit short at the moment,
but I thought once I get some gigs...
Did you not hear
me in there, Al?
There ain't any gigs.
Plus, what do you know
about running a company?
It can't be that hard, can it?
Come on, what'd you say?
Yeah, all right.
You want it, it's yours.
Really?
Company phone, keys to the van.
And they both need topping up.
Anything you get, I want 20%
and if you haven't got anything
by the end of the week,
I'm selling it to Jeff the Crab.
End of the week, how
am I going to do that?
Well, you better get your
business balls in gear, eh?
I mean, it can't be
that hard, can it?
Evening ladies, welcome to
another evening of pensioner passion.
I'll be your host,
Brigadier, Big Rich.
If you want to get in touch,
you know the number.
Whether you want to talk dirty, you'll
just slag off your foreign neighbors.
I'm here to 6 a.m., so take
those teeth out and let's party.
There we are.
Well's cleanest flat, mate.
Oh, sorry, mate.
I didn't realise you were
working from home tonight.
Do you have the monthly?
I'll tell him to
keep his voice down.
That's all right, cheers.
Can you close the door, please.
Oi!
Shut the fuck up!
My boy's workin' in in there?
Can we head off soon?
I can't say I'm loving
this flat.
Dad?
Daisy.
You...
living here?
We're leaving.
Just stay out of
Daisy's life, okay?
She doesn't want
anything to do with you!
Alright, Trish.
Maybe slow down on
the xanax bars, yeah?
I'm so sorry.
Baby, wait!
- I ain't heard from you in a while.
- I'm fine, just been busy.
I like your new heavy
metal look. It's very black.
I thought you might
give your old man a call.
Yeah, well, I haven't.
Oi, stripper man.
Show us your winkle.
Come on, Trish, home time.
I'm so tired.
Oh, just leave her.
She was back on
the beers in no time.
That's great advice.
Thanks, Dad.
How's college going?
Other than not been
able to pay third year?
Yeah.
It's going great.
You should have called me.
I could help.
I just started this new venture.
Actually, what acts do you
get down the old student bar?
- Daisy?
- Yeah?
I think I've shit
my pants again.
Okay.
Let's get you home, shall we?
Okay.
Just go, Dad.
I mean, that's what
you're good at, right?
Leavin' when the shit hits the fan.
Come on.
Hello?
I mean, Wet Dreams,
fulfilling fantasies since '94.
Hmm...
Right.
Amazing, George, you've
made the right choice.
Yeah, a lot of competition,
you've got in there.
Yes, I know.
You'll enjoy the property for
many, many years, I'm sure.
Come and pick up the keys.
Nice by my friend.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
Absolutely riddled
with asbestos.
I've got some news that's
going to blow your cocks off.
How does this...
641, can you confirm you're making
the 10:45am drop off the Downing Road?
Over.
How does this...
...you lazy bastard.
Are you doing it or what?
Over.
Sandra, can Fat Neck
Gomb not take that?
I'm a bit busy, over.
Who you callin'
Fat Neck? You chubby prick!
Shall I come back later?
Hempie, this Friday, at in
Essex, one dance, 800 quid.
Well, that ain't gonna go far.
Each.
Each?
Now we're talking.
Oh, top man, Al.
You've checked they're adult?
No, the best part is, free booze,
buffet and cash in hand on the night.
Oh, well, we're gonna go out.
We might as well go
out with a bang, hey.
Let's do it lot, yeah?
Right, lads, shave your
backs, clean your teeth,
and I see you at six
at the office on Friday.
Take this receipt.
I'll have that 20% for
you on the night, yeah?
How'd you get this gig, Al?
- Have you been over the contract?
- Yeah, it's fine.
Look, there's nothing to
worry about, it's all sorted.
- How are you getting there?
- Well, apart from that.
- No, we need a driver.
- Yeah, so now you come crawling back.
Oh, come on, mate,
don't be like that.
This gig's gotta be a banger.
Like the good old days.
It won't be the
same if you're not there.
Kebab Factory for life, eh?
- I'll chuck you another 50 quid.
- All right, I'm in.
Lovely stuff.
Alright darling, it's me.
I'm just calling to say
I've had a job coming.
It pays pretty well.
And I want to help
with your college stuff.
Give me a call back, all right?
Love ya.
It's your dad, Alan, by the way.
Oh, come in there.
Action Man and Cindy.
I don't mess about.
I make him kiss each other
when my mum and dad go out.
No messing, no curtain
twitching, no stressing.
I don't hang a bar.
You get down 'n dirty.
I'm getting falling out,
then getting flirting.
I get thrown plates at each other,
because that's what it's all about.
No fuck off back to your road.
I ain't going in there.
You sure this is
the right place, Al?
Yeah, it should be.
I mean, I said it
needed doing up.
Doing up?
That wants knocking down.
Yeah, this is it.
We're all sold out.
It's a long time since
we've done that eh, lads?
I ain't going in there.
- Come on. Get in there.
- Sold out.
Still at the front of the van, Deano?
Yeah, I'm coming.
Hello?
Oh man, it looks filthy.
Looks like some of the
swingers clubs I go to.
Well, damp and empty.
Hey!
Deano, what you doing?
What's the matter?
You're not scared, are you?
No.
Looks like someone's home.
He's coming in.
Hello, mate.
We're here for the gig.
Oi!
Grandad.
I think Ol' Bastard's asleep.
With his eyes open?
Someone give the
one-eyed wanker a poke.
My ex. She used to
sleep with her eyes open.
Fucking terrifying it was.
You won't have that
problem with the new one, eh?
At her age, she'd be lucky if
she lasts through the winter.
Do you want some?
All right, pack it in, you two.
Do you know what happens
when you lose an eye?
Your other senses get turned up to 11,
making you sharper than a wasp's prick.
Oh!
Never sneak up on an ex-amateur darts
player, son.
It'll only end in tears.
What do you want?
Show starts 9pm,
it's birds only.
Oh, no, we are the act.
We're Wet Dreams.
Yeah, smells like it.
Sign in.
So, uh, darts player then, were ya?
Yep, man and boy.
Been on circuit since '84.
Not so much these days, though.
- Because you work here.
- No, because I have one fucking eye!
What you laughing at?
-Right, we'll just make our way then, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, go on it. Yeah, go on in.
Oh, lads, I heard it's
gonna be a riot tonight.
Enjoy the show.
Hi, boys.
Would you like to follow me?
Come on then.
It's not bad, is it?
It's not bad at all.
It's a bit posh, innit?
Right, so, which one of
you is "Double-Dip-Deano"?
Oh yeah, that's, that's me.
That's an old stage name.
You'll show you why for a ten-er.
Shut up.
I'm Alan. I'll be looking
after the boys tonight.
Lovely.
Nice to meet you, Alan.
Nice to meet all of you.
I'm Joanne.
I'm the organizer
of tonight's event.
And I would just like you to know that my
client is very, very particular about the
men that she chooses, so you
should be very proud of yourselves.
So, a little bit of
housekeeping.
We have got nibbles
for you in the green room.
We're going to
start about nine-ish.
Oh, and please, do not leave
the green room once you're
in there, my client's very,
very adamant about that.
Not even for a piss?
Right, any questions?
Do you want us to get the full-on
balls out for extra 200 quid?
Uh, no, I don't think you'll be
needing to get those out tonight.
Oh, come on, boys. Come
with me, I'll get you a drink.
Top business chat there love.
Go on, knock yourself out, boys.
Don't forget, 4.3 show limit, yeah?
Come on.
You sure you got this, Al?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Why don't you stay?
Watch this one?
Ah, thanks, but I've seen enough
screaming middle-aged women in my time.
I know you boys will do good.
Yeah, Al. I saw
that letter on your desk.
Is it what I think it is?
Yeah, yeah, I'm off
to Bulgaria next month.
Bulgaria?
Is that even legal?
Yeah, yeah, he's a top surgeon.
Separates conjoined twins.
I really pleased mate.
Good news.
Alright, boys.
Here you go.
Enjoy.
I won't say no to
a little nightcap.
Cheers, babe.
Oh, where you going?
I'm going for a kip in the van.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you can't
leave. You can have a kip here.
That's all right.
I've slept in my van for seven months
when my second marriage broke up in '96.
It's a little home from home.
-Have a good show, boys. I'll see ya after.
-Uh.
Latter.
Oh.
Cheers, please.
I need you to lock up.
Then deal with the fat
grunt sat outside in the van.
After that, I don't want
to see you until dawn.
Yes Captain.
Remember, nobody comes
in, and nothing gets out.
-I'm gonna tear the ass out of that buffet.
-That is a lovely spread.
We can have a couple of
drinks before we get ready, eh?
What'd you say, boss?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
It'd be rude not to, wouldn't it?
Nice.
You stupid bastard.
Come on.
I'm happy.
If you're looking
for a slap, carry on.
So I was going at it
for like the third time
that night, and she was
screaming out for more.
I thought, hold on a minute,
she's just after my baby back.
So I'm about to leave and in the doorway
appears her old man with a table leg.
I say, come on
in, let's have it!
No, I'm serious!
Your full of shit, mate.
Hey, hey!
That ain't even funny.
God knows what's
living inside your mouth.
At least you believe me.
Honestly though. Thanks, mate. I
ain't cried like that in ages.
I don't remember the
last time I cried, actually.
It's only me, boys.
Right.
Here's your robes.
Just get them on.
I think we're gonna start in
about 20 minutes, alright?
The fuck are these?
Um, sorry, love, I think it's been some
sort of mix-up. We bring our own outfits.
Oh, yes.
She said you'd say that.
No, apparently
in the contract,
it's stipulated that you've got to wear
these for the entirety of the night.
But don't worry, I think
you'll look very dashing.
What's you mean robes?
Bath robes?
Nasty-ness, I ain't
going near that.
She's having a
wind-up, ain't she?
What it's saying
the contract Al?
I don't know, I just
sort of skimmed over it.
- Oh, for fuck sake.
- Typical.
- I'll call Deano.
- No don't call Deano.
I can sort this out.
Yeah, just let me think.
It's only me, babes.
I just thought I'd let you know
the others are arriving soon.
Ooh, that's nice!
Where are your scripture
reading clothes, sister?
Oh, I'm supposed to
be dressing up as well?
Sorry, I'm new to all
this witchy role play stuff.
Did you at least bring your
mask for the sacrificial circle?
Yes, I have.
Now, the only problem is, I couldn't
find any sticks because I live in a flat,
so I just had to make
do with what I've got.
What are those?
Twiglets.
I found them in the cupboard. I
think they're left over from Christmas.
I don't eat them myself
and neither does my Tony.
So, I thought, well, work
with what you've got!
Save the planet, that kind
of thing. Don't ya think?
No more games.
Now fuck off.
Okay.
Oh, all that food and I've
plain had it with my guts.
Right. It's just one
dance, lads, alright?
You're sure they
don't want us to strip.
I only know how to
take me clothes off.
Not how to keep them on.
Oh, you dirty bastard.
Yeah, well, you're right, mate?
Yeah, fine, fine.
Right, alright.
Look, it's just one
dance, all right.
In half hour, we're walking out of
here 800 pound better off, yeah?
Three, two, one...
Wet Dreams!
I'm fuckin' blind.
Just go with it, will ya?
Oh, fuck, no.
Fuck, fuck.
Just keep dancing.
Why?
God fucking idiot, gettin' some help!
Can you stop the music, please?
Please.
Can we just turn it off?
Oh...
Oh.
Oh...
Sorry, buddy, this is your little book.
Well, I mean, not so little.
Oh, that would take
me a month to read.
Oh.
Welcome, sisters.
To what will be the most
important night in our history.
Agnes Whitewood...
born in 1502...
and murdered in front of
her entire village in 1576.
As we stand on the same ground from
which you were taken from us, Mother,
we will not forget the vile barbarians
who slaughtered you for your beliefs.
- We call on you, Mother.
- We call on you, Mother.
These four, pathetic, weak
men that sit before you today,
will represent your
persecutors in a new dawn.
Take their members.
What the fuck?
Crush their masculinity,
and they will obey you.
Your pilgrimage of revenge
against those who have
destroyed Our way of life
for centuries begins now.
- We call on you, Mother Whitewood.
- We call on you, Mother Whitewood.
Joanne,
our sister in arms.
The altar, please.
I think that's my cue.
Wish me luck, ladies.
I'm going to meet your mum.
I'm like a sleeping princess.
Sister, we want to thank you for your
service as the Coven's vessel,
on this most magnificent occasion.
First off, I thought there
was going to be cocktails.
Oh!
Let us begin.
Our sister who lies within the earth,
hear this call, this is your rebirth.
Use this vessel to pass
through our mortal threshold.
We await you, dear mother.
Show us what is foretold.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, that's problem.
You disgusting pig.
Just you wait.
She will rise up and take
what is rightfully hers.
Stay.
Where are you going, sisters?
You're not trying to leave
when we're so close, are you?
It's okay, boys.
I'm coming.
We're leaving.
I don't think you are.
You killed Joanne.
What's wrong with you?
Oh please.
You're telling me you thought
Joanne was good for the Coven.
I've done us all a favour.
- You mental?
- I'm a realist.
No!
Will you shut up?
You've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Agnes.
What are you doing?
Come on.
I've done it again, Daisy.
Trish, we can get you
cleaned up and we're out of here.
No, not that.
I've made a huge mistake.
Ratboy!
Wait, I'm coming!
Oh, for fuck sake.
Mother, Agnes.
Bloody hell! Now it's bring
your daughter to workday.
Daisy, what are you doing here?
Are you part of all this?
Apparently.
Mother!
Oh, I've failed you.
Please, let me finish the spell.
There's still time
to make you pure.
Right!
Come on then, you ugly cow.
I'm gonna bite your
fucking nose off!
Carly, wait!
Shit!
Why is he knocking one out?
I know you like them old, but
that that is fucking ancient.
Carly, no!
Carly!
Carly!
Come, the exit's this way.
It's the way we come in, I'm sure of it.
Al, you won't let that
thing take my knob, will ya?
It's the only good thing
I've got going for me.
It's gonna take all our knobs
unless we open that door.
Come on Daisy, we
gotta find another way out.
Daisy, wait.
To be honest Trish, I'm not sure you're
the most stable option, right now.
We can't stay here with your
loser dad and his idiot mates.
Ah!
Oh fuck!
What the actual fuck
is wrong with everyone today!?
Come on.
Down here.
Are you all right?
I was right.
Daisy, here!
Trish, help me with this.
My phone's gone.
So is mine.
Either of you two got a phone?
Miss Joanne took
them when we came in.
Oh, that's just great.
I want to know what
just went on out there.
Your involvement and
I want to know it now.
Trish, why don't you fill us all in on how
you've managed to get two people killed
and some sort of ancient witch
creature arisen from the dead.
You don't put that on me.
Christine said she wanted some
horrible men for a ceremonial circle.
So you shouldn't sass up.
You were always talking about how
much you hate your dad back at the Coven.
Eh? What?
What's wrong with
your dad's oven?
Coven, not oven.
It's a meetin' of witches,
in like a club.
She just said she
wanted to embarrass them.
How was I supposed to
know it would end in murder?
Hold on, you're part of
a dad-hating witch club.
- It's not a club.
- It's a lot like a club.
And stop making this about you!
Look, we are white witches.
We're just into
herbs and stuff.
Fucking herbs!
Shh!
Your herbs just got
my mate killed back there.
This is what you get when you
don't read the contract Alan.
I'm so sorry.
So if you'd like to follow
me, I can't wait to show you
this charming, south-facing
double bedroom and laundry suite.
Really is a steal at the price.
Maybe we'll just take another look at
the kitchen diner downstairs, shall we?
Al?
Neil?
Guys.
Where the fuck are you?
I don't suppose either of you
two can witch me up a pickaxe
or a pint of vodka from your
magic spellbook, can ya?
Sure.
I'll just send my black
cat to the bar, shall I?
Cheers, sweetheart.
That could work!
Cats can't carry pints, Trish.
No.
The book.
Christine's Book of Shadows.
What?
When I first got into witchcraft,
I was going through a breakup,
and I delved it into black magic.
I was trying to make the
prick pay for cheating on me.
Oh, Trish.
Well, I didn't actually
think it worked.
Until tonight, at least.
If we had her book, we could
do like an all-encompassing spell.
What?
It's like a reset button, knocks out
any magic powers in a 50-foot radius.
You are having a laugh, right?
But we don't have the book, do we?
It's out in there
where the creature is.
Well, I can't say I'm relying
on those tunnel, can we?
I'll go.
Be there and
back in five minutes.
Don't be silly.
I can do it.
- We don't really have any other options.
- Yeah, we do.
We can stay here
and wait for help.
What help?
Trish, give me a hand with this.
Daisy it's dangerous.
- I'm your dad. Just stay here.
- Don't touch me, Dad.
Now it's not the time
for you to start parenting.
That ship sailed years ago.
You know, some of us
actually care about the
people around us and
don't want to see them die.
As soon as I'm gone, make
sure it's secure again.
Please come back.
I'm going to carry on with my
tunnel, just to cover all bases.
Daisy, wait.
Shut the door.
Incredible, isn't she?
Perfectly and perfect.
I need to take her place.
She's an ugly
freak, is what she is.
She needs to be
treated with respect.
Because if she isn't, she
will embody your worst fears.
You love her so much, why don't
you go over there and give her a kiss?
There were complications
with the resurrection.
Yeah, well, it must be a nightmare
when you murder someone
and it just doesn't turn
out the way you wanted to.
The keys to the club.
They're in the
office just over there.
That door.
Yeah, I ain't falling
for that one.
I know whose side you're on.
It has become clear that I am
no longer the top dog around here.
I want out too.
Forget it.
If that thing sees
us, we're done.
Without those keys,
we are going nowhere.
All you have to do is sneak around
the table and you're basically there.
- Are you crying?
- I ain't crying.
Daisy! Where are you?
Daisy?
Go now!
Go. Go now.
I've been the worst father.
I'm a pretty soon put him up.
You know, when your mum died, I
really didn't know which way to turn.
All I knew is how to get back on that
stage and try and make people happy.
So I did.
It meant I could be someone
else for a couple hours a night.
Because if I was me, I suppose I'd be sad
and I didn't want you to see me like that
because I know you'd be sad too.
You know after all these years,
and all these shows, I...
Daisy!
You're okay.
I know it looks...
it's been such a weird night, darling.
- What's wrong with you?
- I thought that was you.
Do you know how many times,
I've needed you over the last
three years you never been there?
I wanted to.
I really wanted to.
- It's just...
- Say it.
It's because of work.
That's what you was
going to say, wasn't it?
You haven't had time to see me.
You've had so much work
on stripping in your 50s.
You're a grown man, Dad.
Take some fucking
responsibility.
Daisy!
Hello my love.
I've missed you.
Adonis.
You can't be real.
What, don't hurt my
feelings like that, baby.
I've come to save you.
You lied to me.
No, baby, no.
You told me you loved me, and
then you took everything I had.
I needed the money
for my mother.
Eh, she was sick, and eh...
But you saved her.
And now she's
alive and well, and...
She's ready to cook for you.
I waited for you at the airport.
You never came.
And then you disappeared.
I couldn't find
any record of you.
I needed to go underground, my love.
Many people mistaken me for
Greece's number one top gangster.
I wanted to be with you in person,
but I could risk you getting hurt.
Those bloody gangsters.
Stay back.
Don't come any closer.
Don't say that, baby.
You are my everything.
- Don't hurt my feelings. Come on.
- What about my feelings, Adonis?
- You used me.
- Shhhhh.
Huh?
No more fighting.
Much more kissing.
Oh, Adonis.
Oh, I've dreamt of
this day for years.
To meet you.
To hold you.
Let's make love
right here on the table.
I want to be inside
you for an eternity.
Damn it!
Come on. Let's go.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not strong like your mum.
Maybe we can do
this another time, Dad.
- That thing could be coming...
- They're all calling me the old chuff.
If she wants my
cock, she can have it.
Please.
Just go.
You'll be better
off on your own.
You know if mum were here, she would have
kicked the shit out of that thing by now.
Yeah, um...
She would have
sent it packing hours ago.
You know, before you were born...
I once sort of tackled three Spanish
waiters outside a restaurant in Mont Bgo.
They accused her knicking
bread rolls from the buffet cart.
Where was you?
I was inside apologizing
to the manager.
I even left him a 50 euro tip.
I'm pathetic.
What happened to
mum was an accident?
Ain't your fault, Dad.
It wasn't an accident.
I asked her to steal the
bread rolls for me because
I didn't want to pay
for lunch on the beach.
I weren't talking about
fucking breads, Dad.
What?
You know what... If you want to
stay here and die, it's fine by me.
But just so you know, I
won't be better off on my own.
I've been on my own since
mum went and it's been shit.
Because while you were off parading
yourself around the country,
I was waiting for my dad to come back and
tell me that everything was going to be OK.
And he never did.
I don't need you to
be stronger than mum.
I just need you to be around.
Come on.
What's that for then?
Help you with your
magic and stuff.
It's an amethyst crystal.
Helps to ward off
stress and anxiety.
My mate down the
pub gets good Crystal.
You won't blink for three days.
Blow your fucking nose off.
Great.
You mug.
You call that a shut-up line?
You are pathetic.
What the fuck?
Shh.
Don't make a scene.
How are you doing that?
Birds don't look at you
like they used to, eh?
Worried that your tiny
little prick is past its prime.
Well, I can change all that.
It's not what Charlene says.
Charlene's banging your
cousin Neil. Everyone knows it.
Listen, do me one little favour, and I'll
turn you into a middle-aged Sex God.
I'm all ears.
When the time's right, I
want you to open the door.
What door?
The only door in
the room you twat.
How will I know when?
Daisy?
It's Christine.
- No.
- Please let me in.
That thing.
It'll kill me if I
stay out here.
That's your cue, Neil.
Just think of all that fanny.
Just think of all that fanny.
Trish, it's not safe no more.
I just feel sickened.
What's up?
What's she doing here?
Neil let her in.
He promised me loads of fanny.
Where's Ratboy?
He's gone out.
Oh no.
I'm sorry, she's too strong.
It's never meant to be this
way you have to understand.
Where's our stuff.
We want to leave.
She won't allow it.
- She's become even more powerful.
- Hey hey it's okay.
The best thing we can do
is hold out until morning
Why don't we pass the time with a
quick game of knuckle bones.
Anyone?
It's okay.
I'm used to playing alone.
When I was a child, I
used to sit in the barn with
the animals and play
knuckle bones all day long.
Father disapproved of them.
He said they made me idle.
So one day when he was farming,
and I was idling, I took his sickle.
And I ever so slowly cut one
of the feet off of our sheep.
Poor thing, dancing around on three
legs, blood spilling across the hay floor.
It's quite a tricky task dissecting
the bones from a foot, you know.
Word quickly spread about the small
girl who murdered animals for their bones.
I was outcast,
sent to live alone.
I made them uneasy.
As the years went on, they accused me
of other things as well, killing livestock,
causing illnesses, putting
spells on local farmers.
And then one day, four
men came to visit me.
They accused me of witchcraft.
I don't think that's Christine.
Without trial, on a cold winter's night,
I was murdered by those four men,
down at the village lake, in
front of the entire settlement.
They all cheered as
I took my last breath.
So, as the scripture has foretold,
my rebirth will be celebrated,
and I shall walk amongst men again
once I have my four sacrificial members.
She is collecting knobs!
You think I'm leaving this fucking
room you've got another thing coming?
Are you sure you don't want to have
a quick game of knuckle bones, Neil?
After all, they belong to
your friend, the Ratman.
Enough talk.
The night isn't getting any
younger, and neither is this skin.
I'm going to need a much newer, more pure
vessel if I'm going to walk in the light.
Well, boys, I'm two
down and two to go.
It's cock o'clock.
His name was Ratboy!
Come on, let's get
out of here, come on.
Trish, please, come on.
Trish, come on!
We need to go!
Trish!
Come on!
Daisy, we need to go!
Daisy, come on!
Yow!
Trish!
Dad!
Surprise, bitch.
I've got a little leaving
present for you, son.
Yeah!
Wha! I got a perfect three-mo!
Oh!
Ha ha ha noice!
This mum is all away!
One hundred eighty!
Fucking old bastard.
My hell, come on.
Let's get you out of here, mate.
Come on.
Get on with it.
Get on it.
Don't worry, son.
Prince Charming's gonna save ya.
Let me out.
You're joking then. We need to get
as far away from here as possible.
Al, now get the fuck back
in, we need to leave!
Ugh!
- Stay back!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
How do I know you're not her?
- Who?
- Agnes, the witch.
- Do I look like a fucking witch?
- No.
- Well, there's your answer then.
- No, but she gets up...
- She gets up inside.
- What, inside me, what you mean, up my arsehole?
- What?
- You said I've got a witch up my arsehole.
- No.
- What are you going on about, Al?
You're like some
demented kid, except all you
want to talk about is
witches and arseholes.
- You mentioned arseholes, not me.
- No, I didn't.
Where was ya?
I woke up in a van
about 20 minutes ago.
That old codger attacked me.
He picked off my money, my phone.
He stabbed me in the gut
with what I think was a dart.
I've come too, I've followed
him in, looking for youse, but,
there was clutter everywhere.
The boys, Dean...
They're all dead.
This witch creature bird killed
'em and took their cocks.
A creature took the lad's cocks?
Yeah.
- Well, that's you out of business, eh?
- I don't care about the business.
- You got Daisy?
- What?
I'm the last of four cocks.
She needs me
and so does Miss Daisy.
Al, we need to get in the van,
find the phone and call the Old Bill.
- We need to get out of here.
- Alright, alright, alright.
What's your plan?
I'll go in there and
save Daisy in there.
Yeah, that...
That's not a plan.
Have you got a better one?
Listen, if we're gonna storm
in there and save Daisy, we
need to be confident we're
gonna come back out alive, right?
And how are we gonna do that?
First rule of business, son.
Always give the
client what they want.
Fucking state of her.
She looks like a
geriatric bollock.
Hope this works.
I don't end up like
that candlestick.
Don't worry, son.
She's not gonna be
able to take her eyes off of
me once she sees what
I've got her for breakfast.
You ready?
Kebab Factory for life, right?
Kebab Factory for life.
Alright ladies, nobody panic!
We heard there's a fire in here
and things are about to get hot!
Everybody remain calm.
We're professionals.
We know exactly
what we're doing.
Freaky baby
Freaky baby
Freaky baby
Let me lick you up and
down 'til you say stop
Let me play with your body, baby
Get you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do.
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
Baby, don't you understand?
I want to be you nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I mean
24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
So glad you could join us, Alan.
Please.
Mother is waiting for you.
Trish.
I know you're in there.
I just need you to help me.
I wanna lick up up and down
And then I want to lay you down
C'mon silk, sing it
What the hell?
Trish.
What's going on?
I need you to get Christine's
trunk and I'll get Daisy.
Then we'll meet back here.
Do you think you can do that?
I guess.
Let's go then.
Let me play with your body, baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
I love the taste of whipped cream
Spread it on don't be mean
You know I can't resist you girl
I'll fly you all around the world
I wanna see your body drip
C'mon let me take a sip
Take off what you cherish most
Cuz when I brag I like to brag and boast
Friends?
I'm getting you out of here.
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Why's Uncle Deano
giving the witch a lap dance?
It's all right.
It's all part of the plan.
What's the plan?
To have sex with her?
He won't get that far.
I don't think?
I need you to help Trish for the spell,
while me and your uncle distract the witch.
Can you do that?
Okay.
I'm really sorry I set your
dad up and got us into this.
I know.
Okay, so what do we do?
These are the items.
We just need to find 'em.
Lick you up and down
Make your body scream
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
An unbroken circle.
Cloves.
I can't read this writing.
Um, does that say twine or thyme?
Twine?
I suppose you wouldn't use
thyme in a reversal spell, right?
Good point.
Twine.
Twine!
I've got twine.
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Make you real hot
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Come a little closer
baby I'll show you it all
We need to build a
weapon like never before
You're slowly holdin'
on, you see my desire
Show me what you're
dreaming, cause I feel I'm on fire.
I want to be with you,
the crazy things I want to do
We need to go, now.
Can't make up this last one.
It says humming fish?
No.
It says humans flash?
What?
This is...
Human flesh.
Alan! Help!
Gross.
Now!
Noos half men'sono Dostromos Kassanamehina
daikono Noos hafmanlissono Dostromos
Kisana Mejna daqonoh Oho Noss hafman
sono Don't cross Moss Mass Casana mehina
daikonos Noz have been Sono Nos
Prong Mos Khasana mehina Dadao Oh
Kisana Mejna daqonoh Oho Noss hafman
sono Don't cross Moss Mass Casana mehina
daikonos Noz have been Sono Nos
Prong Mos Khasana mehina Dadao Oh
Uncle Deano!
Oh, hello Daisy. I like your new rock
and roll look.
Is he gonna be okay?
I need to get him some help.
Watch out!
What the hell?
The spell?
Removed her powers but...
didn't kill her.
I knew it was thyme.
What, so now she's just... old?
I almost feel sorry for her.
We can't just let
her leave, can we?
I'm sorry.
Come on Doris!
It's time for bed.
Smash the old
bird's face in Al.
First of the fifth, 1972.
Thank you, sir.
The first time in
my life I feel normal.
That's nice.
You know, Trish, if you're ever
looking for a father figure in your life,
I'd be more than happy...
Please leave me alone.
Just so I have this right, Alan.
You arrived around 1900 hours
to do a performance as a stripper.
And you were held against
your will by a one-eyed man and
a cult leader that went on to
raise a witch from the dead.
That killed your friends
by taking their um...
Cocks.
Cocks?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Look, I know how this sounds, but
there must be CCTV or something.
I mean, you have to believe...
What in god's name?
You won't catch me,
you filthy pig scum!
All of the lot of ya!
- Excuse me, sir!
- Oi! Excuse me?
I'd really like to have a
go at being a father again.
I'd really like that.
Maybe time to call it a
day on the dancing, though.
Yeah.
Actually, I was thinking about going
back into painting and decorating.
At least that way, the only
thing I'll be stripping is the walls.
Jesus Christ, Dad.
What?
How long you've been
holding that one in for?
Not long.
A month or two.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I'll be working
hard to reach me target,
To earn a few bob for a
day trip down to Margate.
I'm gonna blow the lot
tomorrow on all me family,
We catch the coach at eight, so
don't be late, we're off to see the sea
Will your granddad come over and...
Down to Margate,
Don't forget your buckets
and spades and cossies and all.
Down to Margate,
We'll have a pill of jellied
eels at the cockle stall.
Down to Margate,
We'll go on the pier and we'll
have a beer at the side of the sea.
Down to Margate,
You can keep the costa Brava,
I'm telling you mate, I'd rather
Have a day down
Margate with all me family.
Along the promenade we spend some money
Then we find a spot on the
beach that's simply sunny
The kids will all enjoy
theirselves digging up the sand
Collecting stones and winkle
shells to take back home to nan
Behave yourself, grandad
Or you won't be going
Down to Margate
Don't forget your buckets
and spades and cossys and all
Down to Margate
We'll have our fill of jellied
eels at the cockle stall
Down to Margate
We'll go on the pier, and we'll
have a beer aside of the sea
Down to Margate
You can keep the Costa Brava,
I'm telling ya, mate, I'd rather
Have a day down
Margate with all me family
You can keep the Costa Brava,
and all that palaver, gonna father me
I'd rather have a day down
Margate with all me family
Freak me baby
ahh yeah
Freak me baby
Yeah like that
Freak me baby
Freak me baby
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Let me play with your body, baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
Baby don't you understand
I wanna be your nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I mean
24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
I wanna lick you up and down
And then I wanna lay you down
C'mon silk, sing it
Lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
I love the taste of whipped cream
Spread it on top of me.
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your love
Let me play with your body baby
baby, make you real hot.
I'm going to get so fake girl,
you know I want to do all the love.
Things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
sub by hamonwheat88
November 28, 2024
You're the man, Geoff.
You're the man.
Yes.
Do you mind turning
that doll round, darling?
It's putting me off my stroke.
Okay, ladies.
Loosen up them bras.
And lay down that top pulling.
And please, put
your hands together...
for...
Wet Dreams!
We've been Wet Dreams.
Happy birthday.
I enjoyed that.
I quite like a day time gig.
To be fair, we probably should
have stopped after the first dance.
Lovely cake, though.
Alright, now listen, before you have a
pop at me, I've got dyslexia, all right?
I thought it said it
was a 21st on the ad.
Which 21st birthday
party do you know?
Just starts at one in the afternoon
and serves jelly and fucking ice cream.
Yeah, better than last
month's wake, though.
I thought that one
was all right, actually.
Only because you managed
to cop off with a widow.
What can I say?
I'm like a mature,
grieving lady.
Extra mature.
She was 85.
Hold up a minute,
this is a bit light, innit?
Yeah, correct.
Look, I'm paying you out
my own pocket, all right.
Lily's mum says she
wants us off the premises
in 10, otherwise she's
gonna call the police.
Charlene's gonna hit the roof.
The only thing Charlene's
hitting, Neil, is your cousin's cock.
No. No, actually,
we are back together.
She's coming round tonight.
She's gonna bring
a special sexy friend.
- Yeah, your cousin.
- Yeah.
Come on, lads, quick as you
like, before we end up on a register.
Alright, I'll see you
all the next one, yeah?
Uh, yeah, listen, about that.
I didn't want to do
this today, but um...
I'm selling the company.
What?
I told you.
Let's face it, lads.
It's time to call it a day.
Back to selling houses
full time for me then.
Look, the diary is empty.
You boys aren't
getting any younger.
It's not the 90s anymore.
Look, I think I speak for all of us
when I say we ain't ready to quit yet.
Are we boys?
Yeah, well, nip round the
office on Wednesday and I'll
sort yours out with
some severance pay, yeah?
Vodka jelly!
What?
That's what they have
at 21st birthday parties.
I had one.
You got a problem, son?
It's a real medical
condition, all right?
Not exactly the Kebab
Factory days, is it?
You know, it's still the worst name you've
ever come up with for a stripper-gram?
You're kidding, then?
Should we be the most popular
stripper duo in Zanty for three seasons?
The shows, the girls, the drugs.
Life can't get any
better than that.
Ah, the good old days, eh?
Listen, I want to
buy the company.
With what?
Well, I'm a bit short at the moment,
but I thought once I get some gigs...
Did you not hear
me in there, Al?
There ain't any gigs.
Plus, what do you know
about running a company?
It can't be that hard, can it?
Come on, what'd you say?
Yeah, all right.
You want it, it's yours.
Really?
Company phone, keys to the van.
And they both need topping up.
Anything you get, I want 20%
and if you haven't got anything
by the end of the week,
I'm selling it to Jeff the Crab.
End of the week, how
am I going to do that?
Well, you better get your
business balls in gear, eh?
I mean, it can't be
that hard, can it?
Evening ladies, welcome to
another evening of pensioner passion.
I'll be your host,
Brigadier, Big Rich.
If you want to get in touch,
you know the number.
Whether you want to talk dirty, you'll
just slag off your foreign neighbors.
I'm here to 6 a.m., so take
those teeth out and let's party.
There we are.
Well's cleanest flat, mate.
Oh, sorry, mate.
I didn't realise you were
working from home tonight.
Do you have the monthly?
I'll tell him to
keep his voice down.
That's all right, cheers.
Can you close the door, please.
Oi!
Shut the fuck up!
My boy's workin' in in there?
Can we head off soon?
I can't say I'm loving
this flat.
Dad?
Daisy.
You...
living here?
We're leaving.
Just stay out of
Daisy's life, okay?
She doesn't want
anything to do with you!
Alright, Trish.
Maybe slow down on
the xanax bars, yeah?
I'm so sorry.
Baby, wait!
- I ain't heard from you in a while.
- I'm fine, just been busy.
I like your new heavy
metal look. It's very black.
I thought you might
give your old man a call.
Yeah, well, I haven't.
Oi, stripper man.
Show us your winkle.
Come on, Trish, home time.
I'm so tired.
Oh, just leave her.
She was back on
the beers in no time.
That's great advice.
Thanks, Dad.
How's college going?
Other than not been
able to pay third year?
Yeah.
It's going great.
You should have called me.
I could help.
I just started this new venture.
Actually, what acts do you
get down the old student bar?
- Daisy?
- Yeah?
I think I've shit
my pants again.
Okay.
Let's get you home, shall we?
Okay.
Just go, Dad.
I mean, that's what
you're good at, right?
Leavin' when the shit hits the fan.
Come on.
Hello?
I mean, Wet Dreams,
fulfilling fantasies since '94.
Hmm...
Right.
Amazing, George, you've
made the right choice.
Yeah, a lot of competition,
you've got in there.
Yes, I know.
You'll enjoy the property for
many, many years, I'm sure.
Come and pick up the keys.
Nice by my friend.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
Absolutely riddled
with asbestos.
I've got some news that's
going to blow your cocks off.
How does this...
641, can you confirm you're making
the 10:45am drop off the Downing Road?
Over.
How does this...
...you lazy bastard.
Are you doing it or what?
Over.
Sandra, can Fat Neck
Gomb not take that?
I'm a bit busy, over.
Who you callin'
Fat Neck? You chubby prick!
Shall I come back later?
Hempie, this Friday, at in
Essex, one dance, 800 quid.
Well, that ain't gonna go far.
Each.
Each?
Now we're talking.
Oh, top man, Al.
You've checked they're adult?
No, the best part is, free booze,
buffet and cash in hand on the night.
Oh, well, we're gonna go out.
We might as well go
out with a bang, hey.
Let's do it lot, yeah?
Right, lads, shave your
backs, clean your teeth,
and I see you at six
at the office on Friday.
Take this receipt.
I'll have that 20% for
you on the night, yeah?
How'd you get this gig, Al?
- Have you been over the contract?
- Yeah, it's fine.
Look, there's nothing to
worry about, it's all sorted.
- How are you getting there?
- Well, apart from that.
- No, we need a driver.
- Yeah, so now you come crawling back.
Oh, come on, mate,
don't be like that.
This gig's gotta be a banger.
Like the good old days.
It won't be the
same if you're not there.
Kebab Factory for life, eh?
- I'll chuck you another 50 quid.
- All right, I'm in.
Lovely stuff.
Alright darling, it's me.
I'm just calling to say
I've had a job coming.
It pays pretty well.
And I want to help
with your college stuff.
Give me a call back, all right?
Love ya.
It's your dad, Alan, by the way.
Oh, come in there.
Action Man and Cindy.
I don't mess about.
I make him kiss each other
when my mum and dad go out.
No messing, no curtain
twitching, no stressing.
I don't hang a bar.
You get down 'n dirty.
I'm getting falling out,
then getting flirting.
I get thrown plates at each other,
because that's what it's all about.
No fuck off back to your road.
I ain't going in there.
You sure this is
the right place, Al?
Yeah, it should be.
I mean, I said it
needed doing up.
Doing up?
That wants knocking down.
Yeah, this is it.
We're all sold out.
It's a long time since
we've done that eh, lads?
I ain't going in there.
- Come on. Get in there.
- Sold out.
Still at the front of the van, Deano?
Yeah, I'm coming.
Hello?
Oh man, it looks filthy.
Looks like some of the
swingers clubs I go to.
Well, damp and empty.
Hey!
Deano, what you doing?
What's the matter?
You're not scared, are you?
No.
Looks like someone's home.
He's coming in.
Hello, mate.
We're here for the gig.
Oi!
Grandad.
I think Ol' Bastard's asleep.
With his eyes open?
Someone give the
one-eyed wanker a poke.
My ex. She used to
sleep with her eyes open.
Fucking terrifying it was.
You won't have that
problem with the new one, eh?
At her age, she'd be lucky if
she lasts through the winter.
Do you want some?
All right, pack it in, you two.
Do you know what happens
when you lose an eye?
Your other senses get turned up to 11,
making you sharper than a wasp's prick.
Oh!
Never sneak up on an ex-amateur darts
player, son.
It'll only end in tears.
What do you want?
Show starts 9pm,
it's birds only.
Oh, no, we are the act.
We're Wet Dreams.
Yeah, smells like it.
Sign in.
So, uh, darts player then, were ya?
Yep, man and boy.
Been on circuit since '84.
Not so much these days, though.
- Because you work here.
- No, because I have one fucking eye!
What you laughing at?
-Right, we'll just make our way then, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, go on it. Yeah, go on in.
Oh, lads, I heard it's
gonna be a riot tonight.
Enjoy the show.
Hi, boys.
Would you like to follow me?
Come on then.
It's not bad, is it?
It's not bad at all.
It's a bit posh, innit?
Right, so, which one of
you is "Double-Dip-Deano"?
Oh yeah, that's, that's me.
That's an old stage name.
You'll show you why for a ten-er.
Shut up.
I'm Alan. I'll be looking
after the boys tonight.
Lovely.
Nice to meet you, Alan.
Nice to meet all of you.
I'm Joanne.
I'm the organizer
of tonight's event.
And I would just like you to know that my
client is very, very particular about the
men that she chooses, so you
should be very proud of yourselves.
So, a little bit of
housekeeping.
We have got nibbles
for you in the green room.
We're going to
start about nine-ish.
Oh, and please, do not leave
the green room once you're
in there, my client's very,
very adamant about that.
Not even for a piss?
Right, any questions?
Do you want us to get the full-on
balls out for extra 200 quid?
Uh, no, I don't think you'll be
needing to get those out tonight.
Oh, come on, boys. Come
with me, I'll get you a drink.
Top business chat there love.
Go on, knock yourself out, boys.
Don't forget, 4.3 show limit, yeah?
Come on.
You sure you got this, Al?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Why don't you stay?
Watch this one?
Ah, thanks, but I've seen enough
screaming middle-aged women in my time.
I know you boys will do good.
Yeah, Al. I saw
that letter on your desk.
Is it what I think it is?
Yeah, yeah, I'm off
to Bulgaria next month.
Bulgaria?
Is that even legal?
Yeah, yeah, he's a top surgeon.
Separates conjoined twins.
I really pleased mate.
Good news.
Alright, boys.
Here you go.
Enjoy.
I won't say no to
a little nightcap.
Cheers, babe.
Oh, where you going?
I'm going for a kip in the van.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you can't
leave. You can have a kip here.
That's all right.
I've slept in my van for seven months
when my second marriage broke up in '96.
It's a little home from home.
-Have a good show, boys. I'll see ya after.
-Uh.
Latter.
Oh.
Cheers, please.
I need you to lock up.
Then deal with the fat
grunt sat outside in the van.
After that, I don't want
to see you until dawn.
Yes Captain.
Remember, nobody comes
in, and nothing gets out.
-I'm gonna tear the ass out of that buffet.
-That is a lovely spread.
We can have a couple of
drinks before we get ready, eh?
What'd you say, boss?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
It'd be rude not to, wouldn't it?
Nice.
You stupid bastard.
Come on.
I'm happy.
If you're looking
for a slap, carry on.
So I was going at it
for like the third time
that night, and she was
screaming out for more.
I thought, hold on a minute,
she's just after my baby back.
So I'm about to leave and in the doorway
appears her old man with a table leg.
I say, come on
in, let's have it!
No, I'm serious!
Your full of shit, mate.
Hey, hey!
That ain't even funny.
God knows what's
living inside your mouth.
At least you believe me.
Honestly though. Thanks, mate. I
ain't cried like that in ages.
I don't remember the
last time I cried, actually.
It's only me, boys.
Right.
Here's your robes.
Just get them on.
I think we're gonna start in
about 20 minutes, alright?
The fuck are these?
Um, sorry, love, I think it's been some
sort of mix-up. We bring our own outfits.
Oh, yes.
She said you'd say that.
No, apparently
in the contract,
it's stipulated that you've got to wear
these for the entirety of the night.
But don't worry, I think
you'll look very dashing.
What's you mean robes?
Bath robes?
Nasty-ness, I ain't
going near that.
She's having a
wind-up, ain't she?
What it's saying
the contract Al?
I don't know, I just
sort of skimmed over it.
- Oh, for fuck sake.
- Typical.
- I'll call Deano.
- No don't call Deano.
I can sort this out.
Yeah, just let me think.
It's only me, babes.
I just thought I'd let you know
the others are arriving soon.
Ooh, that's nice!
Where are your scripture
reading clothes, sister?
Oh, I'm supposed to
be dressing up as well?
Sorry, I'm new to all
this witchy role play stuff.
Did you at least bring your
mask for the sacrificial circle?
Yes, I have.
Now, the only problem is, I couldn't
find any sticks because I live in a flat,
so I just had to make
do with what I've got.
What are those?
Twiglets.
I found them in the cupboard. I
think they're left over from Christmas.
I don't eat them myself
and neither does my Tony.
So, I thought, well, work
with what you've got!
Save the planet, that kind
of thing. Don't ya think?
No more games.
Now fuck off.
Okay.
Oh, all that food and I've
plain had it with my guts.
Right. It's just one
dance, lads, alright?
You're sure they
don't want us to strip.
I only know how to
take me clothes off.
Not how to keep them on.
Oh, you dirty bastard.
Yeah, well, you're right, mate?
Yeah, fine, fine.
Right, alright.
Look, it's just one
dance, all right.
In half hour, we're walking out of
here 800 pound better off, yeah?
Three, two, one...
Wet Dreams!
I'm fuckin' blind.
Just go with it, will ya?
Oh, fuck, no.
Fuck, fuck.
Just keep dancing.
Why?
God fucking idiot, gettin' some help!
Can you stop the music, please?
Please.
Can we just turn it off?
Oh...
Oh.
Oh...
Sorry, buddy, this is your little book.
Well, I mean, not so little.
Oh, that would take
me a month to read.
Oh.
Welcome, sisters.
To what will be the most
important night in our history.
Agnes Whitewood...
born in 1502...
and murdered in front of
her entire village in 1576.
As we stand on the same ground from
which you were taken from us, Mother,
we will not forget the vile barbarians
who slaughtered you for your beliefs.
- We call on you, Mother.
- We call on you, Mother.
These four, pathetic, weak
men that sit before you today,
will represent your
persecutors in a new dawn.
Take their members.
What the fuck?
Crush their masculinity,
and they will obey you.
Your pilgrimage of revenge
against those who have
destroyed Our way of life
for centuries begins now.
- We call on you, Mother Whitewood.
- We call on you, Mother Whitewood.
Joanne,
our sister in arms.
The altar, please.
I think that's my cue.
Wish me luck, ladies.
I'm going to meet your mum.
I'm like a sleeping princess.
Sister, we want to thank you for your
service as the Coven's vessel,
on this most magnificent occasion.
First off, I thought there
was going to be cocktails.
Oh!
Let us begin.
Our sister who lies within the earth,
hear this call, this is your rebirth.
Use this vessel to pass
through our mortal threshold.
We await you, dear mother.
Show us what is foretold.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, that's problem.
You disgusting pig.
Just you wait.
She will rise up and take
what is rightfully hers.
Stay.
Where are you going, sisters?
You're not trying to leave
when we're so close, are you?
It's okay, boys.
I'm coming.
We're leaving.
I don't think you are.
You killed Joanne.
What's wrong with you?
Oh please.
You're telling me you thought
Joanne was good for the Coven.
I've done us all a favour.
- You mental?
- I'm a realist.
No!
Will you shut up?
You've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Agnes.
What are you doing?
Come on.
I've done it again, Daisy.
Trish, we can get you
cleaned up and we're out of here.
No, not that.
I've made a huge mistake.
Ratboy!
Wait, I'm coming!
Oh, for fuck sake.
Mother, Agnes.
Bloody hell! Now it's bring
your daughter to workday.
Daisy, what are you doing here?
Are you part of all this?
Apparently.
Mother!
Oh, I've failed you.
Please, let me finish the spell.
There's still time
to make you pure.
Right!
Come on then, you ugly cow.
I'm gonna bite your
fucking nose off!
Carly, wait!
Shit!
Why is he knocking one out?
I know you like them old, but
that that is fucking ancient.
Carly, no!
Carly!
Carly!
Come, the exit's this way.
It's the way we come in, I'm sure of it.
Al, you won't let that
thing take my knob, will ya?
It's the only good thing
I've got going for me.
It's gonna take all our knobs
unless we open that door.
Come on Daisy, we
gotta find another way out.
Daisy, wait.
To be honest Trish, I'm not sure you're
the most stable option, right now.
We can't stay here with your
loser dad and his idiot mates.
Ah!
Oh fuck!
What the actual fuck
is wrong with everyone today!?
Come on.
Down here.
Are you all right?
I was right.
Daisy, here!
Trish, help me with this.
My phone's gone.
So is mine.
Either of you two got a phone?
Miss Joanne took
them when we came in.
Oh, that's just great.
I want to know what
just went on out there.
Your involvement and
I want to know it now.
Trish, why don't you fill us all in on how
you've managed to get two people killed
and some sort of ancient witch
creature arisen from the dead.
You don't put that on me.
Christine said she wanted some
horrible men for a ceremonial circle.
So you shouldn't sass up.
You were always talking about how
much you hate your dad back at the Coven.
Eh? What?
What's wrong with
your dad's oven?
Coven, not oven.
It's a meetin' of witches,
in like a club.
She just said she
wanted to embarrass them.
How was I supposed to
know it would end in murder?
Hold on, you're part of
a dad-hating witch club.
- It's not a club.
- It's a lot like a club.
And stop making this about you!
Look, we are white witches.
We're just into
herbs and stuff.
Fucking herbs!
Shh!
Your herbs just got
my mate killed back there.
This is what you get when you
don't read the contract Alan.
I'm so sorry.
So if you'd like to follow
me, I can't wait to show you
this charming, south-facing
double bedroom and laundry suite.
Really is a steal at the price.
Maybe we'll just take another look at
the kitchen diner downstairs, shall we?
Al?
Neil?
Guys.
Where the fuck are you?
I don't suppose either of you
two can witch me up a pickaxe
or a pint of vodka from your
magic spellbook, can ya?
Sure.
I'll just send my black
cat to the bar, shall I?
Cheers, sweetheart.
That could work!
Cats can't carry pints, Trish.
No.
The book.
Christine's Book of Shadows.
What?
When I first got into witchcraft,
I was going through a breakup,
and I delved it into black magic.
I was trying to make the
prick pay for cheating on me.
Oh, Trish.
Well, I didn't actually
think it worked.
Until tonight, at least.
If we had her book, we could
do like an all-encompassing spell.
What?
It's like a reset button, knocks out
any magic powers in a 50-foot radius.
You are having a laugh, right?
But we don't have the book, do we?
It's out in there
where the creature is.
Well, I can't say I'm relying
on those tunnel, can we?
I'll go.
Be there and
back in five minutes.
Don't be silly.
I can do it.
- We don't really have any other options.
- Yeah, we do.
We can stay here
and wait for help.
What help?
Trish, give me a hand with this.
Daisy it's dangerous.
- I'm your dad. Just stay here.
- Don't touch me, Dad.
Now it's not the time
for you to start parenting.
That ship sailed years ago.
You know, some of us
actually care about the
people around us and
don't want to see them die.
As soon as I'm gone, make
sure it's secure again.
Please come back.
I'm going to carry on with my
tunnel, just to cover all bases.
Daisy, wait.
Shut the door.
Incredible, isn't she?
Perfectly and perfect.
I need to take her place.
She's an ugly
freak, is what she is.
She needs to be
treated with respect.
Because if she isn't, she
will embody your worst fears.
You love her so much, why don't
you go over there and give her a kiss?
There were complications
with the resurrection.
Yeah, well, it must be a nightmare
when you murder someone
and it just doesn't turn
out the way you wanted to.
The keys to the club.
They're in the
office just over there.
That door.
Yeah, I ain't falling
for that one.
I know whose side you're on.
It has become clear that I am
no longer the top dog around here.
I want out too.
Forget it.
If that thing sees
us, we're done.
Without those keys,
we are going nowhere.
All you have to do is sneak around
the table and you're basically there.
- Are you crying?
- I ain't crying.
Daisy! Where are you?
Daisy?
Go now!
Go. Go now.
I've been the worst father.
I'm a pretty soon put him up.
You know, when your mum died, I
really didn't know which way to turn.
All I knew is how to get back on that
stage and try and make people happy.
So I did.
It meant I could be someone
else for a couple hours a night.
Because if I was me, I suppose I'd be sad
and I didn't want you to see me like that
because I know you'd be sad too.
You know after all these years,
and all these shows, I...
Daisy!
You're okay.
I know it looks...
it's been such a weird night, darling.
- What's wrong with you?
- I thought that was you.
Do you know how many times,
I've needed you over the last
three years you never been there?
I wanted to.
I really wanted to.
- It's just...
- Say it.
It's because of work.
That's what you was
going to say, wasn't it?
You haven't had time to see me.
You've had so much work
on stripping in your 50s.
You're a grown man, Dad.
Take some fucking
responsibility.
Daisy!
Hello my love.
I've missed you.
Adonis.
You can't be real.
What, don't hurt my
feelings like that, baby.
I've come to save you.
You lied to me.
No, baby, no.
You told me you loved me, and
then you took everything I had.
I needed the money
for my mother.
Eh, she was sick, and eh...
But you saved her.
And now she's
alive and well, and...
She's ready to cook for you.
I waited for you at the airport.
You never came.
And then you disappeared.
I couldn't find
any record of you.
I needed to go underground, my love.
Many people mistaken me for
Greece's number one top gangster.
I wanted to be with you in person,
but I could risk you getting hurt.
Those bloody gangsters.
Stay back.
Don't come any closer.
Don't say that, baby.
You are my everything.
- Don't hurt my feelings. Come on.
- What about my feelings, Adonis?
- You used me.
- Shhhhh.
Huh?
No more fighting.
Much more kissing.
Oh, Adonis.
Oh, I've dreamt of
this day for years.
To meet you.
To hold you.
Let's make love
right here on the table.
I want to be inside
you for an eternity.
Damn it!
Come on. Let's go.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not strong like your mum.
Maybe we can do
this another time, Dad.
- That thing could be coming...
- They're all calling me the old chuff.
If she wants my
cock, she can have it.
Please.
Just go.
You'll be better
off on your own.
You know if mum were here, she would have
kicked the shit out of that thing by now.
Yeah, um...
She would have
sent it packing hours ago.
You know, before you were born...
I once sort of tackled three Spanish
waiters outside a restaurant in Mont Bgo.
They accused her knicking
bread rolls from the buffet cart.
Where was you?
I was inside apologizing
to the manager.
I even left him a 50 euro tip.
I'm pathetic.
What happened to
mum was an accident?
Ain't your fault, Dad.
It wasn't an accident.
I asked her to steal the
bread rolls for me because
I didn't want to pay
for lunch on the beach.
I weren't talking about
fucking breads, Dad.
What?
You know what... If you want to
stay here and die, it's fine by me.
But just so you know, I
won't be better off on my own.
I've been on my own since
mum went and it's been shit.
Because while you were off parading
yourself around the country,
I was waiting for my dad to come back and
tell me that everything was going to be OK.
And he never did.
I don't need you to
be stronger than mum.
I just need you to be around.
Come on.
What's that for then?
Help you with your
magic and stuff.
It's an amethyst crystal.
Helps to ward off
stress and anxiety.
My mate down the
pub gets good Crystal.
You won't blink for three days.
Blow your fucking nose off.
Great.
You mug.
You call that a shut-up line?
You are pathetic.
What the fuck?
Shh.
Don't make a scene.
How are you doing that?
Birds don't look at you
like they used to, eh?
Worried that your tiny
little prick is past its prime.
Well, I can change all that.
It's not what Charlene says.
Charlene's banging your
cousin Neil. Everyone knows it.
Listen, do me one little favour, and I'll
turn you into a middle-aged Sex God.
I'm all ears.
When the time's right, I
want you to open the door.
What door?
The only door in
the room you twat.
How will I know when?
Daisy?
It's Christine.
- No.
- Please let me in.
That thing.
It'll kill me if I
stay out here.
That's your cue, Neil.
Just think of all that fanny.
Just think of all that fanny.
Trish, it's not safe no more.
I just feel sickened.
What's up?
What's she doing here?
Neil let her in.
He promised me loads of fanny.
Where's Ratboy?
He's gone out.
Oh no.
I'm sorry, she's too strong.
It's never meant to be this
way you have to understand.
Where's our stuff.
We want to leave.
She won't allow it.
- She's become even more powerful.
- Hey hey it's okay.
The best thing we can do
is hold out until morning
Why don't we pass the time with a
quick game of knuckle bones.
Anyone?
It's okay.
I'm used to playing alone.
When I was a child, I
used to sit in the barn with
the animals and play
knuckle bones all day long.
Father disapproved of them.
He said they made me idle.
So one day when he was farming,
and I was idling, I took his sickle.
And I ever so slowly cut one
of the feet off of our sheep.
Poor thing, dancing around on three
legs, blood spilling across the hay floor.
It's quite a tricky task dissecting
the bones from a foot, you know.
Word quickly spread about the small
girl who murdered animals for their bones.
I was outcast,
sent to live alone.
I made them uneasy.
As the years went on, they accused me
of other things as well, killing livestock,
causing illnesses, putting
spells on local farmers.
And then one day, four
men came to visit me.
They accused me of witchcraft.
I don't think that's Christine.
Without trial, on a cold winter's night,
I was murdered by those four men,
down at the village lake, in
front of the entire settlement.
They all cheered as
I took my last breath.
So, as the scripture has foretold,
my rebirth will be celebrated,
and I shall walk amongst men again
once I have my four sacrificial members.
She is collecting knobs!
You think I'm leaving this fucking
room you've got another thing coming?
Are you sure you don't want to have
a quick game of knuckle bones, Neil?
After all, they belong to
your friend, the Ratman.
Enough talk.
The night isn't getting any
younger, and neither is this skin.
I'm going to need a much newer, more pure
vessel if I'm going to walk in the light.
Well, boys, I'm two
down and two to go.
It's cock o'clock.
His name was Ratboy!
Come on, let's get
out of here, come on.
Trish, please, come on.
Trish, come on!
We need to go!
Trish!
Come on!
Daisy, we need to go!
Daisy, come on!
Yow!
Trish!
Dad!
Surprise, bitch.
I've got a little leaving
present for you, son.
Yeah!
Wha! I got a perfect three-mo!
Oh!
Ha ha ha noice!
This mum is all away!
One hundred eighty!
Fucking old bastard.
My hell, come on.
Let's get you out of here, mate.
Come on.
Get on with it.
Get on it.
Don't worry, son.
Prince Charming's gonna save ya.
Let me out.
You're joking then. We need to get
as far away from here as possible.
Al, now get the fuck back
in, we need to leave!
Ugh!
- Stay back!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
How do I know you're not her?
- Who?
- Agnes, the witch.
- Do I look like a fucking witch?
- No.
- Well, there's your answer then.
- No, but she gets up...
- She gets up inside.
- What, inside me, what you mean, up my arsehole?
- What?
- You said I've got a witch up my arsehole.
- No.
- What are you going on about, Al?
You're like some
demented kid, except all you
want to talk about is
witches and arseholes.
- You mentioned arseholes, not me.
- No, I didn't.
Where was ya?
I woke up in a van
about 20 minutes ago.
That old codger attacked me.
He picked off my money, my phone.
He stabbed me in the gut
with what I think was a dart.
I've come too, I've followed
him in, looking for youse, but,
there was clutter everywhere.
The boys, Dean...
They're all dead.
This witch creature bird killed
'em and took their cocks.
A creature took the lad's cocks?
Yeah.
- Well, that's you out of business, eh?
- I don't care about the business.
- You got Daisy?
- What?
I'm the last of four cocks.
She needs me
and so does Miss Daisy.
Al, we need to get in the van,
find the phone and call the Old Bill.
- We need to get out of here.
- Alright, alright, alright.
What's your plan?
I'll go in there and
save Daisy in there.
Yeah, that...
That's not a plan.
Have you got a better one?
Listen, if we're gonna storm
in there and save Daisy, we
need to be confident we're
gonna come back out alive, right?
And how are we gonna do that?
First rule of business, son.
Always give the
client what they want.
Fucking state of her.
She looks like a
geriatric bollock.
Hope this works.
I don't end up like
that candlestick.
Don't worry, son.
She's not gonna be
able to take her eyes off of
me once she sees what
I've got her for breakfast.
You ready?
Kebab Factory for life, right?
Kebab Factory for life.
Alright ladies, nobody panic!
We heard there's a fire in here
and things are about to get hot!
Everybody remain calm.
We're professionals.
We know exactly
what we're doing.
Freaky baby
Freaky baby
Freaky baby
Let me lick you up and
down 'til you say stop
Let me play with your body, baby
Get you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do.
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
Baby, don't you understand?
I want to be you nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I mean
24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
So glad you could join us, Alan.
Please.
Mother is waiting for you.
Trish.
I know you're in there.
I just need you to help me.
I wanna lick up up and down
And then I want to lay you down
C'mon silk, sing it
What the hell?
Trish.
What's going on?
I need you to get Christine's
trunk and I'll get Daisy.
Then we'll meet back here.
Do you think you can do that?
I guess.
Let's go then.
Let me play with your body, baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
I love the taste of whipped cream
Spread it on don't be mean
You know I can't resist you girl
I'll fly you all around the world
I wanna see your body drip
C'mon let me take a sip
Take off what you cherish most
Cuz when I brag I like to brag and boast
Friends?
I'm getting you out of here.
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Why's Uncle Deano
giving the witch a lap dance?
It's all right.
It's all part of the plan.
What's the plan?
To have sex with her?
He won't get that far.
I don't think?
I need you to help Trish for the spell,
while me and your uncle distract the witch.
Can you do that?
Okay.
I'm really sorry I set your
dad up and got us into this.
I know.
Okay, so what do we do?
These are the items.
We just need to find 'em.
Lick you up and down
Make your body scream
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
An unbroken circle.
Cloves.
I can't read this writing.
Um, does that say twine or thyme?
Twine?
I suppose you wouldn't use
thyme in a reversal spell, right?
Good point.
Twine.
Twine!
I've got twine.
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Make you real hot
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Come a little closer
baby I'll show you it all
We need to build a
weapon like never before
You're slowly holdin'
on, you see my desire
Show me what you're
dreaming, cause I feel I'm on fire.
I want to be with you,
the crazy things I want to do
We need to go, now.
Can't make up this last one.
It says humming fish?
No.
It says humans flash?
What?
This is...
Human flesh.
Alan! Help!
Gross.
Now!
Noos half men'sono Dostromos Kassanamehina
daikono Noos hafmanlissono Dostromos
Kisana Mejna daqonoh Oho Noss hafman
sono Don't cross Moss Mass Casana mehina
daikonos Noz have been Sono Nos
Prong Mos Khasana mehina Dadao Oh
Kisana Mejna daqonoh Oho Noss hafman
sono Don't cross Moss Mass Casana mehina
daikonos Noz have been Sono Nos
Prong Mos Khasana mehina Dadao Oh
Uncle Deano!
Oh, hello Daisy. I like your new rock
and roll look.
Is he gonna be okay?
I need to get him some help.
Watch out!
What the hell?
The spell?
Removed her powers but...
didn't kill her.
I knew it was thyme.
What, so now she's just... old?
I almost feel sorry for her.
We can't just let
her leave, can we?
I'm sorry.
Come on Doris!
It's time for bed.
Smash the old
bird's face in Al.
First of the fifth, 1972.
Thank you, sir.
The first time in
my life I feel normal.
That's nice.
You know, Trish, if you're ever
looking for a father figure in your life,
I'd be more than happy...
Please leave me alone.
Just so I have this right, Alan.
You arrived around 1900 hours
to do a performance as a stripper.
And you were held against
your will by a one-eyed man and
a cult leader that went on to
raise a witch from the dead.
That killed your friends
by taking their um...
Cocks.
Cocks?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Look, I know how this sounds, but
there must be CCTV or something.
I mean, you have to believe...
What in god's name?
You won't catch me,
you filthy pig scum!
All of the lot of ya!
- Excuse me, sir!
- Oi! Excuse me?
I'd really like to have a
go at being a father again.
I'd really like that.
Maybe time to call it a
day on the dancing, though.
Yeah.
Actually, I was thinking about going
back into painting and decorating.
At least that way, the only
thing I'll be stripping is the walls.
Jesus Christ, Dad.
What?
How long you've been
holding that one in for?
Not long.
A month or two.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I'll be working
hard to reach me target,
To earn a few bob for a
day trip down to Margate.
I'm gonna blow the lot
tomorrow on all me family,
We catch the coach at eight, so
don't be late, we're off to see the sea
Will your granddad come over and...
Down to Margate,
Don't forget your buckets
and spades and cossies and all.
Down to Margate,
We'll have a pill of jellied
eels at the cockle stall.
Down to Margate,
We'll go on the pier and we'll
have a beer at the side of the sea.
Down to Margate,
You can keep the costa Brava,
I'm telling you mate, I'd rather
Have a day down
Margate with all me family.
Along the promenade we spend some money
Then we find a spot on the
beach that's simply sunny
The kids will all enjoy
theirselves digging up the sand
Collecting stones and winkle
shells to take back home to nan
Behave yourself, grandad
Or you won't be going
Down to Margate
Don't forget your buckets
and spades and cossys and all
Down to Margate
We'll have our fill of jellied
eels at the cockle stall
Down to Margate
We'll go on the pier, and we'll
have a beer aside of the sea
Down to Margate
You can keep the Costa Brava,
I'm telling ya, mate, I'd rather
Have a day down
Margate with all me family
You can keep the Costa Brava,
and all that palaver, gonna father me
I'd rather have a day down
Margate with all me family
Freak me baby
ahh yeah
Freak me baby
Yeah like that
Freak me baby
Freak me baby
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Let me play with your body, baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
Baby don't you understand
I wanna be your nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I mean
24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
I wanna lick you up and down
And then I wanna lay you down
C'mon silk, sing it
Lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your
love I want to lick you down
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the
things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
I love the taste of whipped cream
Spread it on top of me.
Let me lick you up and down
'Til you say stop
Everytime I think about your love
Let me play with your body baby
baby, make you real hot.
I'm going to get so fake girl,
you know I want to do all the love.
Things you want me to do
'Cause tonight baby, I
wanna get freaky with you
sub by hamonwheat88
November 28, 2024