Mercy Christmas (2017) Movie Script
Help!
Help!
Help me!
Michael briskett.
I'm never gonna
forget that name.
That is my favorite
cut of meat.
Mr. robillard. Wow. Um...
Merry Christmas.
L just finished the branch
Compton assessments,
and I was going to bring them to you.
Really?
I stayed up all night,
but I figured you wanted 'em.
You actually finished them
that quickly?
That is amazing.
I really do like it here, sir. I
wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Actually, I'm having
a Christmas party
at my apartment
tomorrow night.
Okay. Good for you.
Yeah, it's nothing big.
Just eggnog, secret Santa,
Christmas Carols, maybe.
I don't know.
But this is the invitation.
I've been passing it around.
Oh, yeah.
Can't do that.
I got this big
Christmas dinner thingy.
If you find
yourself in the neighborhood.
I got big plans
for you, briskett.
Me?
You're gonna do my breakdowns
for my meeting on the 26th
with quantum dynamics.
The day after Christmas.
I'm gonna need spreadsheets.
Side-by-side transitions.
Zero bilateral.
Alphabetical listing.
You know what to do--
just turn the geek speak
into people speak.
This is very important for me
and the future of this company.
That's a lot of work
in a short amount of time,
and with the holidays--
you'll get it done.
I'm sure of that.
Wait here. I will have the
reports brought down to you.
I need them done
by Christmas.
Christmas.
Hey, Catherine.
Which reindeer
has the worst manners?
I don't fucking care.
Rude-mph .
Rudolph, the red-nosed
reindeer, get it?
Yeah, it's stupid.
Where's your Christmas joy?
I don't do joy,
and I don't do Christmas.
Well... merry Christmas.
Fuck all!
Good enough.
That didn't go down
so good.
You know...
I'm gonna puke.
No! Get to the bathroom.
No, you're not.
Not in here.
Get to the bathroom,
right now.
Wait. I'm okay.
I'm gonna be fine.
No!
...with one brush.
Watch as luster brush
fits into tiny crevices,
under sinks, counters...
Tickets, tickets! I got tickets
for you right here, man.
Come on, come on,
two for ten, two for ten.
Take your girl out
to a game, man.
She'll enjoy it. Come on. I got
tickets for you right here.
Come on, two for $10.
Two for ten.
You sure you don't want it? It's
the last game of the season.
Don't do me like that.
I'll give it to you for five.
Come on, man, unfair.
Fuck!
Hey! Still got tickets?
Heck, yeah, I got tickets.
Are you Michael briskett?
Are you Michael briskett?
I'm Cindy, Mr. robillard's
new assistant.
Here's the reports
he wanted you to have.
Uh... thank you?
And these.
Looks like a lot of work.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hello?
Am I too late
to the Christmas party?
Is it over?
Yes.
Ohh.
No, no. I mean-- I mean, no.
Great.
So...
So...
So, can I come in?
Yes. Yes,
of course. Sorry.
I saw the invitation
on Mr. robillard's desk.
I'm sorry. I thought
everyone was invited.
Yeah, they were.
Sorry it's not
much of a party.
Is that eggrwg?
I love eggflog-
really?
I'll pour you a glass.
Thanks.
Okay.
Mmm!
This is so good.
My mom used to make
eggnog from scratch.
Really?
That's-that's amazing.
So, are you-you going
home for Christmas?
No, my-my mom
goes on a cruise.
Oh.
Kind of a gift to
herself, uh, every year.
She's not really big
on-on the holidays.
Uh, but we talk
on the phone,
you know, when-when
she gets back. So...
Brothers? Sisters?
Just me and mom.
L-i think family is
the best part of the holidays.
I'm actually headed home
tomorrow to see mine.
That's nice.
Refill?
Do you mind if we...
Kick it up a bit?
I'
okay.
White Christmas.
No way.
That's my favorite too!
Really?
We watch it every year
after presents.
My brother hates it,
but I love it, so...
Speaking of presents,
let's do secret Santa!
Uh... won't-won't be
much of a secret.
Ah, who cares?
Come on, it'll be fun.
Come on.
Yeah, why not.
You go first.
I wanted to get
something practical.
Thank you.
You know, I can use this.
Your turn.
Open it.
It's my mother's
special Christmas cookie mix.
I'm going to make them
from scratch this year.
Wow.
Yeah, sort of a holiday treat
for my family,
since, uh, she passed away.
I'm-I'm sorry.
It's my first Christmas
without her.
What am I doing?
I'm ruining the party!
No. No, no, no, no.
Um, it's-it's okay.
Uh, can-can I get you
some more eggnog?
You know, um,
I'd better get going.
Actually, I'm feeling
a little tipsy.
I really did have
a wonderful time tonight.
Me too.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
See ya.
Bye.
I know this might sound
crazy, but I was wondering--
maybe you could come
with me tomorrow?
To your family's Christmas?
I don't know.
It would tear me up to think
that a guy like you
didn't make it to
a Christmas dinner table.
What about your family?
They'd love to have you.
I have a ton of work
to finish by the 26th.
I'd have to bring it with me.
For sure, you'd have to.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Plus, my family goes
all-out on the food.
I never really had a big
Christmas celebration before.
Well, this year
will be special.
I'll pick you up
in the morning?
Sure, why not.
Ten-thirty.
Ten-thirty. Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, get in here.
Work.
Trying to remember
from last night--
your brother's names
are Andrew and Bart, right?
Yep.
Dad is Abe, grandma's Ruth.
Right. I call her granny.
Are you sure I'm not imposing?
I told you, they'd
love to have you.
Andrew, Bart, Abe, granny.
Hey, what's your
favorite Christmas song?
"The 12 days of Christmas."
Are you serious'? Me too! Yeah'?
Of course!
I'
we're here.
Looks great.
I'm home!
Daddy!
Oh, monkey!
Oh, I have missed you
so much, honey bug.
So good to see you.
Sister slim!
Barty boy!
Cindy darling.
Philip. I didn't know
you'd be here.
Your dad invited
me to dinner, just like old times.
Welcome home, beautiful.
Everyone, this is Michael.
I invited him
for Christmas dinner.
Oh, great.
Hello.
We'll be glad to have you.
Thank you.
Cindy, precious,
you're just in time for lunch.
Who the hell are you?
Perfect family,
meet Michael briskett.
Lunch is ready.
You startled me there.
I did?
Yeah.
All looks so good.
Cindy, I was just saying
that Philip
is now my associate professor
in the human sciences
department.
Why don't you stay
for new year's this year?
We can hit our favorite
haunts, paint the town.
You and I don't have
any old haunts, Philip.
We used to date.
No, we didn't.
These people took me in.
I'm a part of the family.
Not really.
At the least,
I'm a good friend.
You will always have a
seat at our table, Philip.
Hey, let's eat!
Bon apptit!
Ooh, I love ribs!
I'
I can't eat another bite.
Michael, I hear
you're an eggnog man.
You bet I am.
Well, good.
Then, may I propose
a toast--
to, uh, home cooking.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Can I?
Uh, sure.
I can't say I ever
had a real Christmas,
but thanks to Cindy
and you all,
I finally get a chance
to celebrate
in a way I'd always hoped--
with great people
and good food.
To the holidays.
Nice speech, briskett.
Little corny,
but I like your sentiment.
Bart, good, man,
good to see you.
Did you leave any food
for me? Doubt it.
Granny, how are you?
Good to see you, Andy.
Nice to see you.
Andrew, my boy.
You know him?
Philip. Sis.
Glad you could make it.
Mr. robillard?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Huh?
Sister?
Mm-hmm.
How do you like
my family, briskett?
They're nice.
Help!
Help me!
Help!
Shut the fuck up!
Nobody can hear you!
Oh, god, oh, god!
Jesus god, the pain!
Aaahhh!
Hey! Screaming like
a bitch isn't gonna help.
Believe me,
I've been trying.
What is going on?
I don't fucking know.
Shh. Be quiet.
Oh, Jesus!
The pain is killing me!
Shh.
Shut the fuck up, old man.
I'm pissing my pants.
Shh!
Shut up. Shut up!
What is that?
What the fuck?!
Ban?!
Do you know
this motherfucker?
How do you know his name?
Hey!
Do you have my medicine?
Oh, Jesus, no.
Hey, put it down. He's old.
Just let him go.
...hurts so bad!
No, Bart!
Where are you going?
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my god!
Oh, no!
Mister, what the fuck
are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ,
what just happened?
Aah!
Mr. robillard?
I need you to come with me.
No, no, no!
Mr. robillard!
Mr. robillard.
L-i don't understand.
Briskett, shut up.
We have a bit
of a dilemma here.
We have Christmas dinner,
which you're obviously
a part of,
and then I still need
my breakdowns
for my meeting
with quantum dynamics
in two days.
Hey, Andrew, the game is on.
All right, pop,
in a minute.
All righty, then,
but hurry--
almost the end
of the first half.
Where was I?
So, you're gonna do those reports
for me by Christmas, tomorrow.
I mean, shit, briskett,
it's what you're good at.
Sitting at your desk,
focusing
on silly little numbers,
is your specialty.
Yes or no?
Look at me.
Yes or no?
Yeah?
Yes?
Good. Move up.
Get up.
Now, I understand
that it's a short timeline.
Conditions are not ideal.
But I have a way
to help you focus.
So, what do you think?
Motivated?
It's a beautiful table, huh?
What are you, a righty?
Lefty?
Right)!-.
Okay.
Now.
If you need anything at all,
I will be close by.
You still have your
season tickets, Andrew?
Nah. I gave 'em up.
Got too busy.
This job is a killer.
Mnh. Perils of the
gilded life, Andy.
You know what
Oscar wilde once said--
shut up, Philip.
Really?
Michael,
i don't hear any work.
Yes. Five for five
from the line.
I knew that guy could shoot,
I'll tell you that right now.
Pop, you should come
to the city.
I'll buy you a nice dinner, we'll get
some great seats. How about that?
Yeah!
All right, let's do it.
What's the score? Uh,
second quarter, we're up by three.
Briskett,
i do not have all year!
Important work, son?
I have a meeting
in two days.
It's a good chance to take
my company to the next level.
Ahh.
Looking sharp, granny.
Turn that TV off.
Mother, the game is on.
I don't care if Johnny Carson
is at the door,
it's time to go to church.
Couldn't we
skip it this year?
Put those giblets
in the icebox.
Granny, come on.
Really.
Very important stuff
going on here.
Church doesn't exactly
fit in the timeline, okay?
Andy, the good lord doesn't give
a crap about your timeline.
My god, Cindy,
it's just a church service.
It's the only day
i get to dress up, okay?
I think you look
amazing, darling.
Don't call me darling.
Well, boys,
I think it's official--
two beautiful ladies
have decided
we won't be watching the game,
and frankly, I don't want
to fight a losing battle.
Granny, is that fur?
Yes.
Take that off!
Granny, the places where
they make those coats
are slaughterhouses.
They're inhumane!
My land,
i didn't know that.
It's horrible.
I don't believe it.
I could kill somebody.
I just set the table
not 30 minutes ago.
Oh, yeah. That might
have been my bad.
I nicked my finger
peeling apples for granny.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Oh, well, no problem.
Just a drop.
I'll wash the tablecloth
after dinner.
Hey, listen, we'd better
hop on our giddyup
if we're gonna make
that 4:00 service,
I'm telling you right now.
Okay, well, I don't think
i can make it.
And you are going to church!
Fuck.
Help!
Help me!
Please, somebody help!
Hey, shut the fuck up!
You don't think we've been
screaming our guts out?
Nobody can hear us down here.
So, who the fuck are you?
My name is Michael.
I work in
the data assessment department.
What am I doing here?
Michael, we have
to find a way out of here.
Now, what do you know?
I don't know.
I got brought here
this morning by Cindy.
Who the hell is Cindy?
The girl.
The-the daughter
in the family.
You're telling me there's a whole
family of these motherfuckers?
Of course!
How did you get here?
This motherfucker
clocked me in the head.
If I'd have seen him coming, it'd
be a different fucking story.
They grabbed me in my bar.
Just...
They killed my friend.
So, how many of them
are there?
None.
They all went to church.
They went to church?!
All right, look,
somebody's got to be looking
for at least one of us, right?
I mean, you got friends that'll
miss you and shit, right, tubby?
Fuck. You?
Doubt it.
Damn, nobody?
No, no one. You?
Of course somebody's
looking for me.
Ain't nobody
looking for me.
Ah, fuck!
Please, somebody, help!
Help! Help!
Help us, please!
Please help me!
Help! Come on!
Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
What the fuck's
wrong with you?
Can't you see?
We are fucked.
Bullshit. I ain't
a fuckin' animal.
Aah! Fuck!
How the fuck do we
get out of here?
Mike!
Yes?
What's the upstairs like?
It's pretty nice.
It's all done up
for the holidays.
I didn't ask for
a travel report, bitch.
Are there windows?
What about doors?
If we can make it upstairs,
can we get
the fuck out of here?
Probably, yes.
It's just a house.
Okay. Cool.
Let's get going.
How long
until church is over?
Do you know something
i don't know?
Because I am chained
to the fucking floor.
Well,
i guess church is over.
I hate fucking Christmas.
Shit!
."Heinbounds
for a pass
with four seconds left.
A bounce off the glass,
two points,
but he was fouled,
so there was a chance to tie it up
at the line and go into overtime.
How do you know that?
Well, when I used the men's
room during the sermon,
I snuck out to the car and
caught the end of the game.
No way!
Yeah, I perfected that trick
when your mother
was still with us.
I'm gonna have to steal that.
So what happened?
He missed it.
No, he didn't.
Yep.
Mom must have known
you were watching the games.
Probably.
But god love your mom,
she never said a word.
I bet she was a bitch.
What did you
just say?
Oh, shit.
You heard me,
motherfucker!
Fuck you!
Fuck both of you!
Fuck your little
freakshow family!
Get your hands off me!
Get the fuck off me!
He's a live one!
Boy, I'll tell you that!
Untie me!
Untie me, motherfucker!
Untie me and fight me
like a man!
Fight like a man,
you pussy! Fuck you!
You'd better fucking kill me!
You'd better fucking kill me!
Ooh! That's quite enough
of that chatterbox!
So, what are the ladies
saying they need this year?
They mentioned legs to me a
bit earlier, and, uh-- oh!
Last Sunday, granny was
talking about teaching Cindy
her sweet pineapple marinade.
Ooh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
Legs it is.
All right!
Whoa. Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Here you go.
Thanks,pop.
Uh-huh.
Look, the one thing
you have to understand
about basketball
is the free throw,
I mean, the key element
for winning games.
What about rebounds?
Maybe they need
a big man.
Tough cut.
Good bones.
Yeah, looked that way.
Ow.
All right, excuse me
just a second.
Michael.
Why are you doing this
to us?
Focus, briskett.
Take a bite.
You do have
a gift for numbers.
Philip, what are you
doing in here?
Hey, you need
any help with that?
I'm working.
Can-can you go
in the other room?
Cindy's trying.
She is, she's trying,
but...
It's not like it used to be,
when mom was here.
We'd all be
in the same room right now,
playing charades
or some crap.
Food'd be done, and...
Mom would be walking around
with a plate of cookies,
and... she'd be laughing,
and...
- You sure look great.
- Don't touch me!
You sure you don't
want to give it another shot?
Don't go anywhere.
Oh, my god!
I never was,
and won't ever be, Philip.
You think you could
go watch TV
or read a magazine
or something?
I was just trying to help.
You're just in my way.
Fine. If that's
how you want it to be.
You know, Ralph Waldo Emerson
once said,
"for every minute
you're angry,
you lose 60 seconds
of happiness."
I could give a shit, Philip.
I'll tell you right now, nothing's
going to ruin the first Christmas
I've put together myself,
I'll tell you that right now.
Cindy, untie me, please.
Let me go.
Come on,
it's stocking time!
Let's not piss on
the winds of tradition.
Cindy, you can't be
like your family.
Not you. Not the girl
i met last night.
I don't believe it.
You don't have it in you.
See, I'd argue
it's all about the glass.
Rebounds win games. No, no, you've
got to find a perimeter shooter.
Get those legs
in the kitchen!
So behind. I've got to
get 'em in the roaster.
Dinner's not gonna be
ready any time soon.
Tell me it's not
who you are, Cindy, please.
Boys, it's stocking time!
Oh, stockings!
Great. I'll get the camera.
Uh, the fork
goes on the right side,
next to the spoon.
Left side.
Thank you.
Left side.
Andy!
Granny and her stockings.
Put 'em up, take 'em down.
Put 'em up,
take 'em down.
Family tradition!
Henry Ford always said,
"the only history
that's worth a damn
is the traditions you
make with your family."
You're not even a part
of this family, Philip.
But it's a beautiful thing
to witness the customs
of another tribe,
so to speak.
Tribe? What the hell are
you talking about, Philip?
I've said it before,
but I can't stop
saying it again.
It is so nice to have
you three kids together again
under this roof.
Christmas is my favorite
time of year.
Oh, daddy.
Now stockings!
Cindy, you first.
Oh, crap.
Give me some scissors.
Oh, I got it.
Okay.
There.
I'm really happy that
we're all together again.
Love you, mom.
God rest her.
She's up there somewhere,
looking down at us
right now.
I can guarantee that.
"Family.
"That dear octopus
from whose tentacles
"we never quite escape,
nor, in our innermost hearts,
ever quite wish to."
What the hell
are you talking about?
Cindy, have you decided
on a dessert yet?
Dessert?
Ohh! Not good!
You gotta start that early,
or you'll get behind
like you did with them legs.
Granny, I'm-I'm trying, okay.
There's a lot to do.
We should be eating soon, and you haven't
even got those legs in the oven yet.
All right, granny, please!
It's a bad thing
to leave a family hungry!
I know.
Like Nelson said,
"food is the fuel that
drives a family to--"
oh, Philip, goddamn it!
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up,
you son of a bitch!
I'm sorry I yelled
at you, granny...
Oh, it's all right, honey.
I'm sorry too. You've got
a lot on your plate.
I have an idea.
What about mincemeat pie
for dessert tomorrow?
That'd be good, right?
We can use Philip.
- That'd hit the spot.
- Yeah.
I could try that.
Yeah.
Yes, of course
you can, honey.
It'd be wonderful.
Listen, Abe, let's
finish up these stockings
and give Cindy some time
to finish her work.
All righty, then.
What do you think is
going on down there?
Brisket!
Help! I've been kidnapped!
My name's Michael briskett!
I'm being held prisoner!
Help! Help!
Hello, officer.
You must be Andrew.
I recognize you
from your picture.
You do? Which one?
Hi!
Hey, baby.
You two know each other?
Andy, this is Denise,
my girlfriend.
She'll be having
dinner with us tonight.
She'll be eating with us?
That's what I'm saying.
What?!
She's a cop.
Yeah. I know.
Dispatcher, actually.
Not really an officer.
Andy, I've heard
so much about you.
Yeah.
Can't say the same.
Yeah. Get in here.
This is Michael.
He's Christmas dinner.
A beef steak. That's the best
cut you'll find on a grown man.
Big fat boy like this--
right here.
That's the t-bone,
tenderloin,
and right up here,
the ribeye.
Come around under the pits.
That's the brisket.
A family favorite.
Gotta keep him alive
as long as possible.
Brush is best.
Doesn't mean we can't
tenderize him a little bit.
You fucking bastard!
Aw, shit!
Don't you touch him!
That is my man, you bitch!
We don't want to ruin
the groceries.
I'm sorry, baby.
Please, please.
How's your leg?
Mosquito bite.
Hey, I need to help pop.
You want to watch?
No, it's okay.
I think I'll just, uh,
go up and see
if Cindy needs help.
Hey.
I love you.
Love you too.
Oh, shit.
He's still alive?
I'll be damned!
Okay, boys.
Here's the question:
Where do you suppose
mincemeat comes from?
I'm guessing
the shoulder blades.
How long have you even been
together with this chick?
Name's Denise.
It's been
a couple of months.
Ah-ha ha. Says here,
"sweet mincemeat pie
comes from..."
...uh, behind the haystack,
just below the exit.
The poop shoot?
The colon.
That's what it says here.
Eh. As long as
it tastes good.
That's what I've always said.
Andy, want to do the honors.
Uh-oh. Uh,
be back in a second.
So...
Think Denise is safe?
What are you trying to say?
Is she gonna keep
her mouth shut,
about all this?
Look, I've never met
a girl like her before.She just gets me.
Okay, well, perfect reason to
expose the family's traditions.
Great, Bart.
You got a problem
with my choices, Andy?
I do.
I think you're being stupid.
She puts everything at risk.
She's a fucking cop.
Dispatcher. There's a difference.
Even better.
So she'll call every cop in the city.
You better back down, Andy.
You didn't even tell me you'd
invited her to dinner.
I didn't know I needed to.
Is it so surprising
that I have a girlfriend?
I'm talking about you
inviting some random
stranger over
for Christmas dinner
without telling anybody.
Cindy and pop knew. Maybe if you
came around more than once a year,
you'd know.
Shut up. Shut up.
Bite it in the ass.
Please stop, please.
Please stop.
Pop.
Save him for granny's
rocky mountain oysters.
Oh, shoot! You're right.
Got a little excited there.
So, 400 for how long?
Twenty minutes.
Then reduce the heat
to 325
until the inside is pink.
Finish low and slow.
That is how you get
the crispy skin.
Mmm! My favorite part!
Mom always said the gravy needed the
most time. It takes the longest.
Mmm, gotta let the gravy soak up
those giblet juices overnight.
And you need really
mature ingredients.
Open the kidneys,
let 'em breathe in
the sauce.
Mom taught me that.
Yeah, one hell of a cook,
god rest her.
Cindy's got the gift too.
Well, I am trying.
Hey, thanks for your help.
It's-it's been nice to have
an extra set of hands
around the kitchen again.
Oh, ladies!
Oh , oh!
Excuse me.
Delicious!
Just like your mother's.
Is the food ready?
We got a ton of work to do.
Let's eat.
You better buy me dinner first.
No.No,no,no,no.
L-- are-are you okay?
L-i just wanted to see
if you were okay.
How's your head?
Splitting.
Where'd the party go?
I guess they're done.
For now.
How is your shoulder?
It really hurts.
Listen.
Whatever he wants you
to finish...
Don't give him
the satisfaction.
Bon apptit!
Denise, you will never leave
this family's table hungry.
Cindy,
that's beautiful.
Ooh, doggie.
E-everybody
bow your heads.
Dear lord, we thank you
for this bountiful feast
that you have provided for us,
and we also thank you
for bringing
our loved ones back home again.
And even though
some of our beloved
can't be with us today,
we take great pleasure
in knowing that they are
up there with you.
Amen.
Amen.
Bart, will you
do the honors?
You bet I will.
Granny, your plate.
No! No!
Where are your manners?
Denise is new to the table.
She should go first.
Go ahead.
Honey, you don't have to
if you're not feeling it.
Yes, she does!
She definitely does!
No, she doesn't!
If she wants to have
Christmas with our family,
she does!
I love it.
Cindy, you have your
mother's gift for the kitchen.
Well, I just
followed her recipe.
The flavor is so rich.
Oh, thanks.
L-i can give you
the recipe if you want it.
It's not supposed
to be like this.
Not on Christmas.
I hate to break it to you,
but Christmas is just
a shithole day like any other.
No.
It's not right.
It's not.
Christmas is supposed
to be about chestnuts,
and nutcrackers.
It's about cookies
and food, and...
And snow.
I see it every year.
And I always
wanted to have it.
And I never had it.
This year I was sure...
I was sure that I...
It's not supposed
to be like this.
It's supposed to be
about warmth and tradition,
and if it's special--
I mean really special--
there'll be
a white Christmas.
Christmas is dead.
That's not true.
It's not.
It's about family, right?
And family is forever.
Shut up, you
naive son of a bitch.
Christmas?
Family?
This crap.
That's what that group
of motherfuckers is up there.
You know,
we need more families
with their own
special traditions,
traditions they Cherish,
can't do without.
Welcome to the family.
And if that's
what it is up there,
I don't want to be a part.
And that's okay with me,
you know,
because I am alone and i
am happy, can't you tell?
I've never had anybody
looking out for me.
No, but, hey, cheer up.
Maybe by some lucky chance,
you have a friend in your life,
someone who is
watching your back,
loves you like a brother.
You got that in your life?
No, because, hell,
i don't have any friends,
and apparently you don't
have any close by.
So I guess that means
we have vip invitations
to the holiday dinner,
and we're the Turkey.
Merry fucking Christmas!
Please stop.
Hey.
Which reindeer
had the worst manners?
What?
Rude-mph .
merry Christmas.
Now?
Hell,
I'm just gonna say it.
We're getting married.
What?!
Barty, my boy,
I'm so happy for you!
You've chosen the right
lady, I'll tell you that.
Well, I'd like to propose
a toast.
Bart, I never thought
I'd see the day,
but it looks like
you've found yourself
a really great girl.
Welcome to our family,
Denise.
- Cheers, everyone.
- Cheers!
Gosh,
this is so exciting.
Hey, let's have a talk.
That'd be great.
She could destroy hundreds of
years of family tradition.
Andy, have a seat.
I'll stand.
Okay,
but lower your voice.
Let's talk about this.
She smells
like a pig to me,
and if she is not a cop,
she is as close as one gets.
Look, Andy,
i trusted your mother.
She had no idea
what she was walking into
that first Christmas.
I still remember her face
the first bite.
Pop, Bart cannot toss some
random chick into the mold
and expect her
to turn out like mom.
I don't think you're
understanding me here.
The reason your mother turned
into the woman that you knew
is because
she was open to change.
Now that girl is ready
to embrace our family
because she loves Bart.
I had an amazing
time tonight.
Why don't you stay?
I gotta be
to work really early.
Nobody else will come in on Christmas.
That's fine.
Get up early.
But stay tonight.
I don't think your
brother would like that.
Which is more important
to you--
your family
or your career?
Pop, listen to me--
i am not about to let
some bitch grow a conscience
and decide it's time
to protect and serve.
Everything I've worked for
would be destroyed.
Son, I'd like to be
a grandpa someday--
see a few tots running
around on Christmas morning.
This family needs to go on.
This family's traditions
need to go on.
Hope you two will join me
in a little celebration.
Oh, yeah.
Got 'em at a gas station,
so I can't vouch
for their quality.
Andy. Join me?
Briskett.
You get a little messy
with your spelling,
but, shit, this is
some of your best work.
Now, we can do this
the hard way
or the easy way,
your choice.
I don't want
to finish the job.
What?
Well, a lot of it is--
don't get brave, briskett.
I mean, technically,
it's not even my department.
I'm in data assessment.
A lot of that
is analysis response,
so I'm not even--
do you think I give a shit?!
Finish the fucking job!
Stop it,
you fucking bastard!
I don't think so!
You know you're not the best statistical
analysis man in the office, right?
Fred is. But Fred's not a guy who
is willing to go the extra mile.
You are.
Work is your life.
Why are you doing this?
One, because my family likes their
steaks with heavy marbling.
And two, because nobody's
gonna know that you're gone
Just because there's an extra
donut in the break room.!
So, let's
get some work done.
I just want to be
the first one
to wish you a merry Christmas.
All right, I'm early,
but you know I'm always
in a hurry
to get to Christmas morning.
I just love it so much.
I wish you could see it.
This house is alive again,
just like the old days.
Andy has finally
come home again.
Thought it would take
an army.
Boy works too much,
but he brought
his work with him.
Cindy helped with that.
Nice to see the two
of them working together.
Oh, and Bart--
Bart has found love,
a girl who suits him
so well,
they're like two peas
in a pod.
They remind me of us.
I just thought
you should hear the good news.
Merry Christmas, honey.
Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Pam, hello!
Merry Christmas!
Listen, Matt.
Michael.
Did you know that there's
a company Christmas party?
Yeah, I'm...
A little swamped.
Did you get an invitation?
No.
Exactly.
Neither did I.
But I got a great
party favor.
A pink slip.
Isn't that cute?
The bastards! I-l don't
think that's a good idea.
Do you know what's
a good idea, Matt?
Getting the hell out of this
place while you're still alive.
No, no. I'm just
gonna finish up this work
and I'm gonna bring it to Mr.
robillard. Screw robillard!
He will eat you alive
and spit out the bones!
Come on.
You're alive?
Fuck yeah, I'm alive.
I'm getting the fuck
out of here,
and you're coming with me.
I don't
want to lose my job.
What? Fuck yeah, you do.
Come on.
I'll strangle
all those motherfuckers.
Come on.
My health insurance...
Help. Work with me.
Come on. 401k.
Shut the fuck up.
You want to play games?
Shut up!
Shut up. Come on,
look at me, you're free.
You're fucking free.
You got out.
Help her first, help her first.
Come on.
Fuck. Fuck.
Go.
No.
She's dying, man.
No, she's not.
She's dying, dude,
I'm sorry.
Get help.
- Go now.
- No.
She's done, man.
Go.
This is no good.
We can't--
we can't leave you!
Michael, shut up.
You're my best chance
for help.
Get us out of here now.
Listen, we gotta go.
Go.
Go!
Yes.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Do you want some coffee
before you go?
Yes, please.
Tell me everything.
So, how did he propose?
Catalina, last week.
Barty
is such a big sweetie.
I'll pound 'em!
I'll fuckin' kill 'em!
I'll fuckin' kill 'em!
Shh! Shh!
He did it right at the water.
One knee?
It was so romantic.
Can I help you grab
anything?
Come on.
Open the fucking door.
Open the fucking door, bitch.
No. Shh!
Bite it!
So,
what are you doing awake?
Dessert!
Got to get started early.
Such a big job, getting
the holiday together.
Sometimes it can
feel like torture,
but I'm actually loving it.
Hey, do you mind checking the
pantry for the measuring cups?
Oh, wait. Here they are.
I got 'em.
Mind if I grab some sugar?
Yeah, help yourself.
Time to go wake granny.
I can't do this all myself.
Well, next year,
I'll be here to help--
officially.
I can't wait.
I'd better get ready.
Good morning,
granny, you want some coffee?
Hold your breath, hold
your breath, hold your breath.
Okay, okay,
quickly, go, 90-
granny, I'm gonna start
on the cookies.
Fuck!
Michael, go.
I can't.
What?! Go!
No!
We have to go.
We have to go!
Bart, honey, what are you doing up?
Hey.
Just wanted
to say merry Christmas.
You're so sweet.
We'll see you
after work, right?
You will.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
Bye, honey.
Bye,babe.
So you just let her leave?
I love her.
Get over it.
Get the keys!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you crazy
fucking bitch!
You ate my legs!
You ate my fucking legs!
Fuck Bart!
I'm gonna smash
her fucking head!
Come on, Mike!
No, no, no, no, no!
Come on, Mike, come on.
Fuck. Fuck.
No, I'm not done.
No. No!
No, I'm not done.
I'm not done.
Come here. Come here.
Open this fucking door!
Open
this fucking door!
Aah! Aah!
Is she alive?
I don't give a fuck!
Goddamn, that felt good!
Let me look again!
Let me look!
Hey, fuck you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey! Hey, we gotta go!
We gotta fucking go! They can see us!
What the fuck are you doing?
I broke the keys off
in the ignition.
We can't drive.
Michael.
We gotta run.
Let's get out of here.
No.
They can fucking see us...
Outside the window,
now let's go!
No! I'm going back!
What?!
Are you fucking crazy?
Katherine's in there!
We can't leave her alone.
Let's just go to one of
these houses and ask for help.
Which one, Eddie?
The ones with decorations?
The ones without?
Which family inside is
any different than this one?
I'm going back.
All right. Okay.
Let's go.
I'm just
so happy for Bart.
I know.
She seems really great.
Fuck the holidays.
Finishing my goddamn work
right now.
I've never seen your brothers
act like this before.
Great. Perfect timing.
Oh, it's all right.
I'll get it.
You just put it in
with the rest
of the wash.
Merry Christmas.
My brothers hate each other.
Oh, I do love carolers.
Brisket!
What?!
Merry Christmas, bitch!
Aah!
I'm really sorry, granny.
What is all the racket here?
Aah! Aah!
I'm sorry.
I'm no-- I'm not--
I'm not sorry!
Fuck you!
Come on, who's next?
Who's next?
Brisket!
We've got work to do!
Recognize this, shithead?
Little fucker!
I'll fucking kill you!
Fucking kill them!
Daddy's dead, bitch.
I'm gonna kill you!
Fuck you, Michael!
You little fuckin' bastard!
Fuck you!
Kill you like I killed
your bitch!
Unplug! Unplug!
I'm gonna
tear you into pieces,
you stupid fuck!
Aah!
You bitch!
Fuck!
You fucking bitch!
I'll kill you!
Motherfucker!
Not talking now, are you?
There's two kinds of people
in this world, brisket--
the workers,
and the ones that tell
the workers what to do!
That's not gonna change.
I'm gonna eat your ass!
It's time for you to die!
Piece of shit!
She was my pretty
little flower! My baby!
Your bitch looked
like a man!
Bart!
You don't know
who I am!
I'm Michael briskett!
Not just another guy
in the office!
I do have friends!
Die, you fucking bitch!
Aaaaahhhhh!
Aaahhh!
Bitch had a real fat ass!
Fuck you!
Eddie, no!
Aaahhh!
Brisket!
I don't run!
Turn it off!
Aaahhh!
Mr. robillard!
I quit!
It's okay!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Michael!
Shut up.
I don't think it's gonna be
a white Christmas.
It's Southern California.
I know.
But I was still hoping.
Hey.
Listen...
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my god!
Help, please.
Uh... please help.
Please call 9-1-1.
Hello? Yeah.
There's been a--
i don't know what.
But-but these two people are
bleeding all over the place.
We just need
an ambulance here.
Help!
Help me!
Michael briskett.
I'm never gonna
forget that name.
That is my favorite
cut of meat.
Mr. robillard. Wow. Um...
Merry Christmas.
L just finished the branch
Compton assessments,
and I was going to bring them to you.
Really?
I stayed up all night,
but I figured you wanted 'em.
You actually finished them
that quickly?
That is amazing.
I really do like it here, sir. I
wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Actually, I'm having
a Christmas party
at my apartment
tomorrow night.
Okay. Good for you.
Yeah, it's nothing big.
Just eggnog, secret Santa,
Christmas Carols, maybe.
I don't know.
But this is the invitation.
I've been passing it around.
Oh, yeah.
Can't do that.
I got this big
Christmas dinner thingy.
If you find
yourself in the neighborhood.
I got big plans
for you, briskett.
Me?
You're gonna do my breakdowns
for my meeting on the 26th
with quantum dynamics.
The day after Christmas.
I'm gonna need spreadsheets.
Side-by-side transitions.
Zero bilateral.
Alphabetical listing.
You know what to do--
just turn the geek speak
into people speak.
This is very important for me
and the future of this company.
That's a lot of work
in a short amount of time,
and with the holidays--
you'll get it done.
I'm sure of that.
Wait here. I will have the
reports brought down to you.
I need them done
by Christmas.
Christmas.
Hey, Catherine.
Which reindeer
has the worst manners?
I don't fucking care.
Rude-mph .
Rudolph, the red-nosed
reindeer, get it?
Yeah, it's stupid.
Where's your Christmas joy?
I don't do joy,
and I don't do Christmas.
Well... merry Christmas.
Fuck all!
Good enough.
That didn't go down
so good.
You know...
I'm gonna puke.
No! Get to the bathroom.
No, you're not.
Not in here.
Get to the bathroom,
right now.
Wait. I'm okay.
I'm gonna be fine.
No!
...with one brush.
Watch as luster brush
fits into tiny crevices,
under sinks, counters...
Tickets, tickets! I got tickets
for you right here, man.
Come on, come on,
two for ten, two for ten.
Take your girl out
to a game, man.
She'll enjoy it. Come on. I got
tickets for you right here.
Come on, two for $10.
Two for ten.
You sure you don't want it? It's
the last game of the season.
Don't do me like that.
I'll give it to you for five.
Come on, man, unfair.
Fuck!
Hey! Still got tickets?
Heck, yeah, I got tickets.
Are you Michael briskett?
Are you Michael briskett?
I'm Cindy, Mr. robillard's
new assistant.
Here's the reports
he wanted you to have.
Uh... thank you?
And these.
Looks like a lot of work.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hello?
Am I too late
to the Christmas party?
Is it over?
Yes.
Ohh.
No, no. I mean-- I mean, no.
Great.
So...
So...
So, can I come in?
Yes. Yes,
of course. Sorry.
I saw the invitation
on Mr. robillard's desk.
I'm sorry. I thought
everyone was invited.
Yeah, they were.
Sorry it's not
much of a party.
Is that eggrwg?
I love eggflog-
really?
I'll pour you a glass.
Thanks.
Okay.
Mmm!
This is so good.
My mom used to make
eggnog from scratch.
Really?
That's-that's amazing.
So, are you-you going
home for Christmas?
No, my-my mom
goes on a cruise.
Oh.
Kind of a gift to
herself, uh, every year.
She's not really big
on-on the holidays.
Uh, but we talk
on the phone,
you know, when-when
she gets back. So...
Brothers? Sisters?
Just me and mom.
L-i think family is
the best part of the holidays.
I'm actually headed home
tomorrow to see mine.
That's nice.
Refill?
Do you mind if we...
Kick it up a bit?
I'
okay.
White Christmas.
No way.
That's my favorite too!
Really?
We watch it every year
after presents.
My brother hates it,
but I love it, so...
Speaking of presents,
let's do secret Santa!
Uh... won't-won't be
much of a secret.
Ah, who cares?
Come on, it'll be fun.
Come on.
Yeah, why not.
You go first.
I wanted to get
something practical.
Thank you.
You know, I can use this.
Your turn.
Open it.
It's my mother's
special Christmas cookie mix.
I'm going to make them
from scratch this year.
Wow.
Yeah, sort of a holiday treat
for my family,
since, uh, she passed away.
I'm-I'm sorry.
It's my first Christmas
without her.
What am I doing?
I'm ruining the party!
No. No, no, no, no.
Um, it's-it's okay.
Uh, can-can I get you
some more eggnog?
You know, um,
I'd better get going.
Actually, I'm feeling
a little tipsy.
I really did have
a wonderful time tonight.
Me too.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
See ya.
Bye.
I know this might sound
crazy, but I was wondering--
maybe you could come
with me tomorrow?
To your family's Christmas?
I don't know.
It would tear me up to think
that a guy like you
didn't make it to
a Christmas dinner table.
What about your family?
They'd love to have you.
I have a ton of work
to finish by the 26th.
I'd have to bring it with me.
For sure, you'd have to.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Plus, my family goes
all-out on the food.
I never really had a big
Christmas celebration before.
Well, this year
will be special.
I'll pick you up
in the morning?
Sure, why not.
Ten-thirty.
Ten-thirty. Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, get in here.
Work.
Trying to remember
from last night--
your brother's names
are Andrew and Bart, right?
Yep.
Dad is Abe, grandma's Ruth.
Right. I call her granny.
Are you sure I'm not imposing?
I told you, they'd
love to have you.
Andrew, Bart, Abe, granny.
Hey, what's your
favorite Christmas song?
"The 12 days of Christmas."
Are you serious'? Me too! Yeah'?
Of course!
I'
we're here.
Looks great.
I'm home!
Daddy!
Oh, monkey!
Oh, I have missed you
so much, honey bug.
So good to see you.
Sister slim!
Barty boy!
Cindy darling.
Philip. I didn't know
you'd be here.
Your dad invited
me to dinner, just like old times.
Welcome home, beautiful.
Everyone, this is Michael.
I invited him
for Christmas dinner.
Oh, great.
Hello.
We'll be glad to have you.
Thank you.
Cindy, precious,
you're just in time for lunch.
Who the hell are you?
Perfect family,
meet Michael briskett.
Lunch is ready.
You startled me there.
I did?
Yeah.
All looks so good.
Cindy, I was just saying
that Philip
is now my associate professor
in the human sciences
department.
Why don't you stay
for new year's this year?
We can hit our favorite
haunts, paint the town.
You and I don't have
any old haunts, Philip.
We used to date.
No, we didn't.
These people took me in.
I'm a part of the family.
Not really.
At the least,
I'm a good friend.
You will always have a
seat at our table, Philip.
Hey, let's eat!
Bon apptit!
Ooh, I love ribs!
I'
I can't eat another bite.
Michael, I hear
you're an eggnog man.
You bet I am.
Well, good.
Then, may I propose
a toast--
to, uh, home cooking.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Can I?
Uh, sure.
I can't say I ever
had a real Christmas,
but thanks to Cindy
and you all,
I finally get a chance
to celebrate
in a way I'd always hoped--
with great people
and good food.
To the holidays.
Nice speech, briskett.
Little corny,
but I like your sentiment.
Bart, good, man,
good to see you.
Did you leave any food
for me? Doubt it.
Granny, how are you?
Good to see you, Andy.
Nice to see you.
Andrew, my boy.
You know him?
Philip. Sis.
Glad you could make it.
Mr. robillard?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Huh?
Sister?
Mm-hmm.
How do you like
my family, briskett?
They're nice.
Help!
Help me!
Help!
Shut the fuck up!
Nobody can hear you!
Oh, god, oh, god!
Jesus god, the pain!
Aaahhh!
Hey! Screaming like
a bitch isn't gonna help.
Believe me,
I've been trying.
What is going on?
I don't fucking know.
Shh. Be quiet.
Oh, Jesus!
The pain is killing me!
Shh.
Shut the fuck up, old man.
I'm pissing my pants.
Shh!
Shut up. Shut up!
What is that?
What the fuck?!
Ban?!
Do you know
this motherfucker?
How do you know his name?
Hey!
Do you have my medicine?
Oh, Jesus, no.
Hey, put it down. He's old.
Just let him go.
...hurts so bad!
No, Bart!
Where are you going?
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my god!
Oh, no!
Mister, what the fuck
are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ,
what just happened?
Aah!
Mr. robillard?
I need you to come with me.
No, no, no!
Mr. robillard!
Mr. robillard.
L-i don't understand.
Briskett, shut up.
We have a bit
of a dilemma here.
We have Christmas dinner,
which you're obviously
a part of,
and then I still need
my breakdowns
for my meeting
with quantum dynamics
in two days.
Hey, Andrew, the game is on.
All right, pop,
in a minute.
All righty, then,
but hurry--
almost the end
of the first half.
Where was I?
So, you're gonna do those reports
for me by Christmas, tomorrow.
I mean, shit, briskett,
it's what you're good at.
Sitting at your desk,
focusing
on silly little numbers,
is your specialty.
Yes or no?
Look at me.
Yes or no?
Yeah?
Yes?
Good. Move up.
Get up.
Now, I understand
that it's a short timeline.
Conditions are not ideal.
But I have a way
to help you focus.
So, what do you think?
Motivated?
It's a beautiful table, huh?
What are you, a righty?
Lefty?
Right)!-.
Okay.
Now.
If you need anything at all,
I will be close by.
You still have your
season tickets, Andrew?
Nah. I gave 'em up.
Got too busy.
This job is a killer.
Mnh. Perils of the
gilded life, Andy.
You know what
Oscar wilde once said--
shut up, Philip.
Really?
Michael,
i don't hear any work.
Yes. Five for five
from the line.
I knew that guy could shoot,
I'll tell you that right now.
Pop, you should come
to the city.
I'll buy you a nice dinner, we'll get
some great seats. How about that?
Yeah!
All right, let's do it.
What's the score? Uh,
second quarter, we're up by three.
Briskett,
i do not have all year!
Important work, son?
I have a meeting
in two days.
It's a good chance to take
my company to the next level.
Ahh.
Looking sharp, granny.
Turn that TV off.
Mother, the game is on.
I don't care if Johnny Carson
is at the door,
it's time to go to church.
Couldn't we
skip it this year?
Put those giblets
in the icebox.
Granny, come on.
Really.
Very important stuff
going on here.
Church doesn't exactly
fit in the timeline, okay?
Andy, the good lord doesn't give
a crap about your timeline.
My god, Cindy,
it's just a church service.
It's the only day
i get to dress up, okay?
I think you look
amazing, darling.
Don't call me darling.
Well, boys,
I think it's official--
two beautiful ladies
have decided
we won't be watching the game,
and frankly, I don't want
to fight a losing battle.
Granny, is that fur?
Yes.
Take that off!
Granny, the places where
they make those coats
are slaughterhouses.
They're inhumane!
My land,
i didn't know that.
It's horrible.
I don't believe it.
I could kill somebody.
I just set the table
not 30 minutes ago.
Oh, yeah. That might
have been my bad.
I nicked my finger
peeling apples for granny.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Oh, well, no problem.
Just a drop.
I'll wash the tablecloth
after dinner.
Hey, listen, we'd better
hop on our giddyup
if we're gonna make
that 4:00 service,
I'm telling you right now.
Okay, well, I don't think
i can make it.
And you are going to church!
Fuck.
Help!
Help me!
Please, somebody help!
Hey, shut the fuck up!
You don't think we've been
screaming our guts out?
Nobody can hear us down here.
So, who the fuck are you?
My name is Michael.
I work in
the data assessment department.
What am I doing here?
Michael, we have
to find a way out of here.
Now, what do you know?
I don't know.
I got brought here
this morning by Cindy.
Who the hell is Cindy?
The girl.
The-the daughter
in the family.
You're telling me there's a whole
family of these motherfuckers?
Of course!
How did you get here?
This motherfucker
clocked me in the head.
If I'd have seen him coming, it'd
be a different fucking story.
They grabbed me in my bar.
Just...
They killed my friend.
So, how many of them
are there?
None.
They all went to church.
They went to church?!
All right, look,
somebody's got to be looking
for at least one of us, right?
I mean, you got friends that'll
miss you and shit, right, tubby?
Fuck. You?
Doubt it.
Damn, nobody?
No, no one. You?
Of course somebody's
looking for me.
Ain't nobody
looking for me.
Ah, fuck!
Please, somebody, help!
Help! Help!
Help us, please!
Please help me!
Help! Come on!
Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
What the fuck's
wrong with you?
Can't you see?
We are fucked.
Bullshit. I ain't
a fuckin' animal.
Aah! Fuck!
How the fuck do we
get out of here?
Mike!
Yes?
What's the upstairs like?
It's pretty nice.
It's all done up
for the holidays.
I didn't ask for
a travel report, bitch.
Are there windows?
What about doors?
If we can make it upstairs,
can we get
the fuck out of here?
Probably, yes.
It's just a house.
Okay. Cool.
Let's get going.
How long
until church is over?
Do you know something
i don't know?
Because I am chained
to the fucking floor.
Well,
i guess church is over.
I hate fucking Christmas.
Shit!
."Heinbounds
for a pass
with four seconds left.
A bounce off the glass,
two points,
but he was fouled,
so there was a chance to tie it up
at the line and go into overtime.
How do you know that?
Well, when I used the men's
room during the sermon,
I snuck out to the car and
caught the end of the game.
No way!
Yeah, I perfected that trick
when your mother
was still with us.
I'm gonna have to steal that.
So what happened?
He missed it.
No, he didn't.
Yep.
Mom must have known
you were watching the games.
Probably.
But god love your mom,
she never said a word.
I bet she was a bitch.
What did you
just say?
Oh, shit.
You heard me,
motherfucker!
Fuck you!
Fuck both of you!
Fuck your little
freakshow family!
Get your hands off me!
Get the fuck off me!
He's a live one!
Boy, I'll tell you that!
Untie me!
Untie me, motherfucker!
Untie me and fight me
like a man!
Fight like a man,
you pussy! Fuck you!
You'd better fucking kill me!
You'd better fucking kill me!
Ooh! That's quite enough
of that chatterbox!
So, what are the ladies
saying they need this year?
They mentioned legs to me a
bit earlier, and, uh-- oh!
Last Sunday, granny was
talking about teaching Cindy
her sweet pineapple marinade.
Ooh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
Legs it is.
All right!
Whoa. Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Here you go.
Thanks,pop.
Uh-huh.
Look, the one thing
you have to understand
about basketball
is the free throw,
I mean, the key element
for winning games.
What about rebounds?
Maybe they need
a big man.
Tough cut.
Good bones.
Yeah, looked that way.
Ow.
All right, excuse me
just a second.
Michael.
Why are you doing this
to us?
Focus, briskett.
Take a bite.
You do have
a gift for numbers.
Philip, what are you
doing in here?
Hey, you need
any help with that?
I'm working.
Can-can you go
in the other room?
Cindy's trying.
She is, she's trying,
but...
It's not like it used to be,
when mom was here.
We'd all be
in the same room right now,
playing charades
or some crap.
Food'd be done, and...
Mom would be walking around
with a plate of cookies,
and... she'd be laughing,
and...
- You sure look great.
- Don't touch me!
You sure you don't
want to give it another shot?
Don't go anywhere.
Oh, my god!
I never was,
and won't ever be, Philip.
You think you could
go watch TV
or read a magazine
or something?
I was just trying to help.
You're just in my way.
Fine. If that's
how you want it to be.
You know, Ralph Waldo Emerson
once said,
"for every minute
you're angry,
you lose 60 seconds
of happiness."
I could give a shit, Philip.
I'll tell you right now, nothing's
going to ruin the first Christmas
I've put together myself,
I'll tell you that right now.
Cindy, untie me, please.
Let me go.
Come on,
it's stocking time!
Let's not piss on
the winds of tradition.
Cindy, you can't be
like your family.
Not you. Not the girl
i met last night.
I don't believe it.
You don't have it in you.
See, I'd argue
it's all about the glass.
Rebounds win games. No, no, you've
got to find a perimeter shooter.
Get those legs
in the kitchen!
So behind. I've got to
get 'em in the roaster.
Dinner's not gonna be
ready any time soon.
Tell me it's not
who you are, Cindy, please.
Boys, it's stocking time!
Oh, stockings!
Great. I'll get the camera.
Uh, the fork
goes on the right side,
next to the spoon.
Left side.
Thank you.
Left side.
Andy!
Granny and her stockings.
Put 'em up, take 'em down.
Put 'em up,
take 'em down.
Family tradition!
Henry Ford always said,
"the only history
that's worth a damn
is the traditions you
make with your family."
You're not even a part
of this family, Philip.
But it's a beautiful thing
to witness the customs
of another tribe,
so to speak.
Tribe? What the hell are
you talking about, Philip?
I've said it before,
but I can't stop
saying it again.
It is so nice to have
you three kids together again
under this roof.
Christmas is my favorite
time of year.
Oh, daddy.
Now stockings!
Cindy, you first.
Oh, crap.
Give me some scissors.
Oh, I got it.
Okay.
There.
I'm really happy that
we're all together again.
Love you, mom.
God rest her.
She's up there somewhere,
looking down at us
right now.
I can guarantee that.
"Family.
"That dear octopus
from whose tentacles
"we never quite escape,
nor, in our innermost hearts,
ever quite wish to."
What the hell
are you talking about?
Cindy, have you decided
on a dessert yet?
Dessert?
Ohh! Not good!
You gotta start that early,
or you'll get behind
like you did with them legs.
Granny, I'm-I'm trying, okay.
There's a lot to do.
We should be eating soon, and you haven't
even got those legs in the oven yet.
All right, granny, please!
It's a bad thing
to leave a family hungry!
I know.
Like Nelson said,
"food is the fuel that
drives a family to--"
oh, Philip, goddamn it!
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up,
you son of a bitch!
I'm sorry I yelled
at you, granny...
Oh, it's all right, honey.
I'm sorry too. You've got
a lot on your plate.
I have an idea.
What about mincemeat pie
for dessert tomorrow?
That'd be good, right?
We can use Philip.
- That'd hit the spot.
- Yeah.
I could try that.
Yeah.
Yes, of course
you can, honey.
It'd be wonderful.
Listen, Abe, let's
finish up these stockings
and give Cindy some time
to finish her work.
All righty, then.
What do you think is
going on down there?
Brisket!
Help! I've been kidnapped!
My name's Michael briskett!
I'm being held prisoner!
Help! Help!
Hello, officer.
You must be Andrew.
I recognize you
from your picture.
You do? Which one?
Hi!
Hey, baby.
You two know each other?
Andy, this is Denise,
my girlfriend.
She'll be having
dinner with us tonight.
She'll be eating with us?
That's what I'm saying.
What?!
She's a cop.
Yeah. I know.
Dispatcher, actually.
Not really an officer.
Andy, I've heard
so much about you.
Yeah.
Can't say the same.
Yeah. Get in here.
This is Michael.
He's Christmas dinner.
A beef steak. That's the best
cut you'll find on a grown man.
Big fat boy like this--
right here.
That's the t-bone,
tenderloin,
and right up here,
the ribeye.
Come around under the pits.
That's the brisket.
A family favorite.
Gotta keep him alive
as long as possible.
Brush is best.
Doesn't mean we can't
tenderize him a little bit.
You fucking bastard!
Aw, shit!
Don't you touch him!
That is my man, you bitch!
We don't want to ruin
the groceries.
I'm sorry, baby.
Please, please.
How's your leg?
Mosquito bite.
Hey, I need to help pop.
You want to watch?
No, it's okay.
I think I'll just, uh,
go up and see
if Cindy needs help.
Hey.
I love you.
Love you too.
Oh, shit.
He's still alive?
I'll be damned!
Okay, boys.
Here's the question:
Where do you suppose
mincemeat comes from?
I'm guessing
the shoulder blades.
How long have you even been
together with this chick?
Name's Denise.
It's been
a couple of months.
Ah-ha ha. Says here,
"sweet mincemeat pie
comes from..."
...uh, behind the haystack,
just below the exit.
The poop shoot?
The colon.
That's what it says here.
Eh. As long as
it tastes good.
That's what I've always said.
Andy, want to do the honors.
Uh-oh. Uh,
be back in a second.
So...
Think Denise is safe?
What are you trying to say?
Is she gonna keep
her mouth shut,
about all this?
Look, I've never met
a girl like her before.She just gets me.
Okay, well, perfect reason to
expose the family's traditions.
Great, Bart.
You got a problem
with my choices, Andy?
I do.
I think you're being stupid.
She puts everything at risk.
She's a fucking cop.
Dispatcher. There's a difference.
Even better.
So she'll call every cop in the city.
You better back down, Andy.
You didn't even tell me you'd
invited her to dinner.
I didn't know I needed to.
Is it so surprising
that I have a girlfriend?
I'm talking about you
inviting some random
stranger over
for Christmas dinner
without telling anybody.
Cindy and pop knew. Maybe if you
came around more than once a year,
you'd know.
Shut up. Shut up.
Bite it in the ass.
Please stop, please.
Please stop.
Pop.
Save him for granny's
rocky mountain oysters.
Oh, shoot! You're right.
Got a little excited there.
So, 400 for how long?
Twenty minutes.
Then reduce the heat
to 325
until the inside is pink.
Finish low and slow.
That is how you get
the crispy skin.
Mmm! My favorite part!
Mom always said the gravy needed the
most time. It takes the longest.
Mmm, gotta let the gravy soak up
those giblet juices overnight.
And you need really
mature ingredients.
Open the kidneys,
let 'em breathe in
the sauce.
Mom taught me that.
Yeah, one hell of a cook,
god rest her.
Cindy's got the gift too.
Well, I am trying.
Hey, thanks for your help.
It's-it's been nice to have
an extra set of hands
around the kitchen again.
Oh, ladies!
Oh , oh!
Excuse me.
Delicious!
Just like your mother's.
Is the food ready?
We got a ton of work to do.
Let's eat.
You better buy me dinner first.
No.No,no,no,no.
L-- are-are you okay?
L-i just wanted to see
if you were okay.
How's your head?
Splitting.
Where'd the party go?
I guess they're done.
For now.
How is your shoulder?
It really hurts.
Listen.
Whatever he wants you
to finish...
Don't give him
the satisfaction.
Bon apptit!
Denise, you will never leave
this family's table hungry.
Cindy,
that's beautiful.
Ooh, doggie.
E-everybody
bow your heads.
Dear lord, we thank you
for this bountiful feast
that you have provided for us,
and we also thank you
for bringing
our loved ones back home again.
And even though
some of our beloved
can't be with us today,
we take great pleasure
in knowing that they are
up there with you.
Amen.
Amen.
Bart, will you
do the honors?
You bet I will.
Granny, your plate.
No! No!
Where are your manners?
Denise is new to the table.
She should go first.
Go ahead.
Honey, you don't have to
if you're not feeling it.
Yes, she does!
She definitely does!
No, she doesn't!
If she wants to have
Christmas with our family,
she does!
I love it.
Cindy, you have your
mother's gift for the kitchen.
Well, I just
followed her recipe.
The flavor is so rich.
Oh, thanks.
L-i can give you
the recipe if you want it.
It's not supposed
to be like this.
Not on Christmas.
I hate to break it to you,
but Christmas is just
a shithole day like any other.
No.
It's not right.
It's not.
Christmas is supposed
to be about chestnuts,
and nutcrackers.
It's about cookies
and food, and...
And snow.
I see it every year.
And I always
wanted to have it.
And I never had it.
This year I was sure...
I was sure that I...
It's not supposed
to be like this.
It's supposed to be
about warmth and tradition,
and if it's special--
I mean really special--
there'll be
a white Christmas.
Christmas is dead.
That's not true.
It's not.
It's about family, right?
And family is forever.
Shut up, you
naive son of a bitch.
Christmas?
Family?
This crap.
That's what that group
of motherfuckers is up there.
You know,
we need more families
with their own
special traditions,
traditions they Cherish,
can't do without.
Welcome to the family.
And if that's
what it is up there,
I don't want to be a part.
And that's okay with me,
you know,
because I am alone and i
am happy, can't you tell?
I've never had anybody
looking out for me.
No, but, hey, cheer up.
Maybe by some lucky chance,
you have a friend in your life,
someone who is
watching your back,
loves you like a brother.
You got that in your life?
No, because, hell,
i don't have any friends,
and apparently you don't
have any close by.
So I guess that means
we have vip invitations
to the holiday dinner,
and we're the Turkey.
Merry fucking Christmas!
Please stop.
Hey.
Which reindeer
had the worst manners?
What?
Rude-mph .
merry Christmas.
Now?
Hell,
I'm just gonna say it.
We're getting married.
What?!
Barty, my boy,
I'm so happy for you!
You've chosen the right
lady, I'll tell you that.
Well, I'd like to propose
a toast.
Bart, I never thought
I'd see the day,
but it looks like
you've found yourself
a really great girl.
Welcome to our family,
Denise.
- Cheers, everyone.
- Cheers!
Gosh,
this is so exciting.
Hey, let's have a talk.
That'd be great.
She could destroy hundreds of
years of family tradition.
Andy, have a seat.
I'll stand.
Okay,
but lower your voice.
Let's talk about this.
She smells
like a pig to me,
and if she is not a cop,
she is as close as one gets.
Look, Andy,
i trusted your mother.
She had no idea
what she was walking into
that first Christmas.
I still remember her face
the first bite.
Pop, Bart cannot toss some
random chick into the mold
and expect her
to turn out like mom.
I don't think you're
understanding me here.
The reason your mother turned
into the woman that you knew
is because
she was open to change.
Now that girl is ready
to embrace our family
because she loves Bart.
I had an amazing
time tonight.
Why don't you stay?
I gotta be
to work really early.
Nobody else will come in on Christmas.
That's fine.
Get up early.
But stay tonight.
I don't think your
brother would like that.
Which is more important
to you--
your family
or your career?
Pop, listen to me--
i am not about to let
some bitch grow a conscience
and decide it's time
to protect and serve.
Everything I've worked for
would be destroyed.
Son, I'd like to be
a grandpa someday--
see a few tots running
around on Christmas morning.
This family needs to go on.
This family's traditions
need to go on.
Hope you two will join me
in a little celebration.
Oh, yeah.
Got 'em at a gas station,
so I can't vouch
for their quality.
Andy. Join me?
Briskett.
You get a little messy
with your spelling,
but, shit, this is
some of your best work.
Now, we can do this
the hard way
or the easy way,
your choice.
I don't want
to finish the job.
What?
Well, a lot of it is--
don't get brave, briskett.
I mean, technically,
it's not even my department.
I'm in data assessment.
A lot of that
is analysis response,
so I'm not even--
do you think I give a shit?!
Finish the fucking job!
Stop it,
you fucking bastard!
I don't think so!
You know you're not the best statistical
analysis man in the office, right?
Fred is. But Fred's not a guy who
is willing to go the extra mile.
You are.
Work is your life.
Why are you doing this?
One, because my family likes their
steaks with heavy marbling.
And two, because nobody's
gonna know that you're gone
Just because there's an extra
donut in the break room.!
So, let's
get some work done.
I just want to be
the first one
to wish you a merry Christmas.
All right, I'm early,
but you know I'm always
in a hurry
to get to Christmas morning.
I just love it so much.
I wish you could see it.
This house is alive again,
just like the old days.
Andy has finally
come home again.
Thought it would take
an army.
Boy works too much,
but he brought
his work with him.
Cindy helped with that.
Nice to see the two
of them working together.
Oh, and Bart--
Bart has found love,
a girl who suits him
so well,
they're like two peas
in a pod.
They remind me of us.
I just thought
you should hear the good news.
Merry Christmas, honey.
Christmas!
Fuck Christmas!
Pam, hello!
Merry Christmas!
Listen, Matt.
Michael.
Did you know that there's
a company Christmas party?
Yeah, I'm...
A little swamped.
Did you get an invitation?
No.
Exactly.
Neither did I.
But I got a great
party favor.
A pink slip.
Isn't that cute?
The bastards! I-l don't
think that's a good idea.
Do you know what's
a good idea, Matt?
Getting the hell out of this
place while you're still alive.
No, no. I'm just
gonna finish up this work
and I'm gonna bring it to Mr.
robillard. Screw robillard!
He will eat you alive
and spit out the bones!
Come on.
You're alive?
Fuck yeah, I'm alive.
I'm getting the fuck
out of here,
and you're coming with me.
I don't
want to lose my job.
What? Fuck yeah, you do.
Come on.
I'll strangle
all those motherfuckers.
Come on.
My health insurance...
Help. Work with me.
Come on. 401k.
Shut the fuck up.
You want to play games?
Shut up!
Shut up. Come on,
look at me, you're free.
You're fucking free.
You got out.
Help her first, help her first.
Come on.
Fuck. Fuck.
Go.
No.
She's dying, man.
No, she's not.
She's dying, dude,
I'm sorry.
Get help.
- Go now.
- No.
She's done, man.
Go.
This is no good.
We can't--
we can't leave you!
Michael, shut up.
You're my best chance
for help.
Get us out of here now.
Listen, we gotta go.
Go.
Go!
Yes.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Do you want some coffee
before you go?
Yes, please.
Tell me everything.
So, how did he propose?
Catalina, last week.
Barty
is such a big sweetie.
I'll pound 'em!
I'll fuckin' kill 'em!
I'll fuckin' kill 'em!
Shh! Shh!
He did it right at the water.
One knee?
It was so romantic.
Can I help you grab
anything?
Come on.
Open the fucking door.
Open the fucking door, bitch.
No. Shh!
Bite it!
So,
what are you doing awake?
Dessert!
Got to get started early.
Such a big job, getting
the holiday together.
Sometimes it can
feel like torture,
but I'm actually loving it.
Hey, do you mind checking the
pantry for the measuring cups?
Oh, wait. Here they are.
I got 'em.
Mind if I grab some sugar?
Yeah, help yourself.
Time to go wake granny.
I can't do this all myself.
Well, next year,
I'll be here to help--
officially.
I can't wait.
I'd better get ready.
Good morning,
granny, you want some coffee?
Hold your breath, hold
your breath, hold your breath.
Okay, okay,
quickly, go, 90-
granny, I'm gonna start
on the cookies.
Fuck!
Michael, go.
I can't.
What?! Go!
No!
We have to go.
We have to go!
Bart, honey, what are you doing up?
Hey.
Just wanted
to say merry Christmas.
You're so sweet.
We'll see you
after work, right?
You will.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
Bye, honey.
Bye,babe.
So you just let her leave?
I love her.
Get over it.
Get the keys!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you crazy
fucking bitch!
You ate my legs!
You ate my fucking legs!
Fuck Bart!
I'm gonna smash
her fucking head!
Come on, Mike!
No, no, no, no, no!
Come on, Mike, come on.
Fuck. Fuck.
No, I'm not done.
No. No!
No, I'm not done.
I'm not done.
Come here. Come here.
Open this fucking door!
Open
this fucking door!
Aah! Aah!
Is she alive?
I don't give a fuck!
Goddamn, that felt good!
Let me look again!
Let me look!
Hey, fuck you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey! Hey, we gotta go!
We gotta fucking go! They can see us!
What the fuck are you doing?
I broke the keys off
in the ignition.
We can't drive.
Michael.
We gotta run.
Let's get out of here.
No.
They can fucking see us...
Outside the window,
now let's go!
No! I'm going back!
What?!
Are you fucking crazy?
Katherine's in there!
We can't leave her alone.
Let's just go to one of
these houses and ask for help.
Which one, Eddie?
The ones with decorations?
The ones without?
Which family inside is
any different than this one?
I'm going back.
All right. Okay.
Let's go.
I'm just
so happy for Bart.
I know.
She seems really great.
Fuck the holidays.
Finishing my goddamn work
right now.
I've never seen your brothers
act like this before.
Great. Perfect timing.
Oh, it's all right.
I'll get it.
You just put it in
with the rest
of the wash.
Merry Christmas.
My brothers hate each other.
Oh, I do love carolers.
Brisket!
What?!
Merry Christmas, bitch!
Aah!
I'm really sorry, granny.
What is all the racket here?
Aah! Aah!
I'm sorry.
I'm no-- I'm not--
I'm not sorry!
Fuck you!
Come on, who's next?
Who's next?
Brisket!
We've got work to do!
Recognize this, shithead?
Little fucker!
I'll fucking kill you!
Fucking kill them!
Daddy's dead, bitch.
I'm gonna kill you!
Fuck you, Michael!
You little fuckin' bastard!
Fuck you!
Kill you like I killed
your bitch!
Unplug! Unplug!
I'm gonna
tear you into pieces,
you stupid fuck!
Aah!
You bitch!
Fuck!
You fucking bitch!
I'll kill you!
Motherfucker!
Not talking now, are you?
There's two kinds of people
in this world, brisket--
the workers,
and the ones that tell
the workers what to do!
That's not gonna change.
I'm gonna eat your ass!
It's time for you to die!
Piece of shit!
She was my pretty
little flower! My baby!
Your bitch looked
like a man!
Bart!
You don't know
who I am!
I'm Michael briskett!
Not just another guy
in the office!
I do have friends!
Die, you fucking bitch!
Aaaaahhhhh!
Aaahhh!
Bitch had a real fat ass!
Fuck you!
Eddie, no!
Aaahhh!
Brisket!
I don't run!
Turn it off!
Aaahhh!
Mr. robillard!
I quit!
It's okay!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Michael!
Shut up.
I don't think it's gonna be
a white Christmas.
It's Southern California.
I know.
But I was still hoping.
Hey.
Listen...
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my god!
Help, please.
Uh... please help.
Please call 9-1-1.
Hello? Yeah.
There's been a--
i don't know what.
But-but these two people are
bleeding all over the place.
We just need
an ambulance here.