Merry Little Batman (2023) Movie Script
1
["Father Christmas"
by The Kinks playing]
When I was small
I believed in Santa Claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up
My stocking at Christmas
Open my presents
And I'd be glad
But the last time I played
Father Christmas
I stood outside
A department store
A gang of kids came over
And mugged me
And knocked my reindeer
To the floor
They said Father Christmas
Give us some money
Don't mess around
With those silly toys
We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over
We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys
To the little rich boys
Father Christmas
Give us some money
Don't mess around
With those silly toys
We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over
We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys
To the little rich boys
[song fades]
[Selina yowls]
[grunts]
Master Wayne, come along now.
Time for your cookie-wookies
before bedtime.
Not yet, Alfred.
Selina stole priceless art
- from the Gotham City Museum.
- [meows]
[in gruff voice]
I must have justice.
[Damian grunts]
[laughing]
- Ha!
- [meows]
[grunts]
Phew! Close one, huh, Alfred?
Close indeed.
Now, let's end this madcappery
before you actually do break...
[loud crash]
something like your great
grandfather's ashes.
- [loud clattering]
- And that priceless Picasso.
[ripping]
[Damian laughing]
[meows]
There's no way to run, Selina.
- [yowls]
- [grunts]
[Selina meows]
Ah-ha!
[blows raspberry]
Young man, may I remind you
that Christmas is a mere
two days away?
Father Christmas is watching.
Good! 'Cause even Santa
wouldn't wanna miss this.
[laughs]
- [meows]
- Ha!
[meows]
[Damian] Whoa!
Master Wayne.
Will you be sleeping
down there again?
- [yowls]
- [screaming]
Whoa!
- [thudding]
- [groaning]
[meows]
[thudding]
Whoa!
No. No. No, no, no.
- [thud]
- [yowls]
Whoa!
[grunts] Whoa!
[groans]
[meows]
[groaning]
What?
[beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
Uh-oh.
[metal clinking]
[chuckles nervously]
How's it going?
[gasps] Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?
Did you fall through that vent?
Damian, you could've
gotten hurt.
You shouldn't play with the cat.
You could've gotten
scratched, or worse!
You could've gotten
a brain parasite
from its fecal matter.
[meows]
[gasps] A boo-boo!
Aw, Dad!
Quit worrying so much.
I'm totally fine.
The HVAC unit broke
my fall, see?
[crackling]
[fart sound plays]
Yeah.
Damian, what have we said
about being more careful
and less destructive when
you're playing superhero?
I'm not playing, Dad.
I'm training.
To be a real hero. Like you.
Picture it. You and me
fighting back to back.
Fearless defenders of the night.
Protecting the weak.
Punishing the wicked.
Crime doesn't stand a chance.
Uh-huh. And I've told you,
you're not ready
for that kind of stuff.
Because being
a superhero takes...
[together] Focus,
responsibility and sacrifice.
I know. I know.
Not to mention a pretty
high pain threshold.
You know how many ribs
I've broken?
All of them.
Cool! I want to break
all of my ribs, too.
Come on, kiddo.
Now look, even if I thought
you were ready
to be a crime fighter,
which I don't,
there isn't any crime
left in Gotham to fight.
What do you mean?
Damian? The day I found out
I was going to be a dad
was the happiest day
I've had since...
Well, a long time.
It's like in one instant,
the only thing that mattered
was protecting you
from ever getting hurt.
So before you were born,
I worked overtime
to make Gotham safe.
- [grunts]
- [heavy metal music playing]
[screaming]
[screams, groans]
[screaming]
- [tires screeching]
- [siren wailing]
- [birds chirping]
- [mellow music playing]
- [heavy metal music playing]
- [alarm blaring]
[laughs]
What was that?
[grunting and groaning]
- [children laughing]
- [mellow music playing]
[heavy metal music playing]
- [mellow music playing]
- In breaking news,
all of Gotham City's
supervillains
are now either behind bars
or have been forced
into retirement.
Gotham is officially
90 days crime free
as Batman continues
to clean it up.
Gotham City just voted
the safest place
on planet Earth.
[all cheering]
There is no more crime
in Gotham.
So enjoy being a kid.
But I don't wanna be just a kid.
Whoa! You are way more
than just a kid.
You're "my" kid.
- And that's the best kind.
- [giggling]
[both laugh]
Wait, Dad, what were you doing
down in the basement anyway?
Me? Oh, uh, I don't know.
Maybe I was, uh...
[chuckling] ...wrapping
someone's Christmas present.
- [laughing]
- Yes! What is it?
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
Tell me. Tell me.
Sorry, sport. Bedtime.
Can I at least get a hint?
Let's just say it's something
no future superhero
should be without.
- Is it a Bat-grappling gun?
- Nope.
- Razor-lined Bat-gauntlets.
- Good gravy. No!
- Bat-ice skates?
- Skates?
Now, that's just silly.
[Damian] Is it
a Bat-laser torch?
[Bruce] No.
Bat-cryptographer sequencer?
I'm not even sure what that is.
A heat-seeking
Bat-rocket launcher?
Nope. And you guessed
that already. Twice.
- [laughing]
- [sips]
Master Wayne,
stop playing with your
blood sausage.
[together] Right, yeah,
totally. Sorry, Alfred.
Now, let's enjoy the traditional
Christmas Eve
breakfast of my youth.
Best hurry.
If jellied eel sits too
long, it tends to...
congeal.
[slurps]
Mm. Mm.
[sloshes]
[clears throat]
[Damian] Mm.
[shushes] Donut tell anybody.
[both laugh] Kapow!
Da-na-na-na-na-na
[slurps] And no cowls
at the table.
Aw, come one.
It's Christmas Eve!
Damian, you heard Alfred.
Hmph.
Ah, what the heck?
Here you go, Damian.
Whoa! You mean
I can open it now?
Why not? You get
to stop guessing
and I get to hear myself
think again.
- It's a win-win.
- Mm-hm.
Merry Christmas, kiddo.
[gasps]
My own utility belt!
[laughs] Yeah, that was
my first utility belt, Damian.
What? No way! Oh, man!
I can't believe it.
This is the best, Dad!
You're the best!
Alfred, isn't Dad the best?
- [kisses]
- Oh, my. Yes.
This is indeed exciting.
Oh, what did you put
in the pouches?
That's your Bat-first-aid kit.
Oh, neat.
How about this?
Your Bat-mergency whistle.
Nice. [inhales]
Which should only be used
in case of a Bat-mergency.
[sputters]
Whoa! A Batarang
[laughs]
- [meows]
- It's foam.
But isn't it supposed to fly
back to me.
So it can poke you in the eye?
I don't think so.
That's a practice Batarang.
Dad, don't get me wrong.
I love this belt.
I mean, I love, love, love it.
But where's the, you know,
cool stuff?
You mean dangerous stuff?
Damian, you'll have to earn
those things when you're older.
You still have a lot to learn.
Oh, come on, Dad.
I'm not a baby.
Hey, I never said
you were a baby.
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
My precious little baby
is in danger.
I'll re-record that for you.
Damian, this is the first step
toward becoming a superhero.
Believe me,
I agonized for months
over whether you're
ready for even...
- [device ringing]
- What's that?
- It sounds like the...
- It can't be.
Can't be what?
What can't it be?
The Batphone.
Ooh, wait for me.
I'll put on my belt!
I mean... [clears throat]
[in deep voice] Wait for me.
I'll put on my belt.
[ringing continues]
No one's called
this thing in years.
Crime must be back in Gotham.
It's a Christmas miracle!
Hello? -[voice
chattering indistinctly]
It's the Justice League.
What? Are you serious?
Quick. How's my belt look?
Uh-huh. No, I... I hear you.
A weather anomaly?
In Nova Scotia?
Just let Clark handle it.
It's Christmas Eve.
We all have plans.
No need to send Superman.
We got this.
Sorry, that was Damian.
Yeah, he's eight now.
Crazy, right?
You can't call anyone else?
How about the Twins?
- [indistinct chatter]
- They're not talking?
Well tell them to activate
their Wonder Twin powers
and form into mature adults.
All right. Fine.
I'll leave in five.
Sorry, Damian. I gotta go.
But I promise I'll be back
before Christmas.
Wait, Dad! Dad! Dad!
Let me come with you. Please!
I don't think so, kiddo.
It could be your Christmas
gift for the next year.
For the next ten years!
I can't risk it.
The answer's no.
[Damian] Mm.
Good. Now, where's your
emergency contact list?
Actually, never mind.
I printed extra copies
for your belt.
Okay. What do you do
in the event of a home invasion?
Call the police.
- Mental breakdown?
- Therapist.
A race of giant,
super-intelligent
fungus-beetles attack Gotham?
I don't know.
Call Commissioner Gordon?
Commiss... What? No!
All he ever does
is pass the buck to me.
I'll be back before
you know it, buddy.
I shall ready the Batjet,
Master Wayne.
Batjet, huh?
You're making record time
for not having done this
in years, Bruce.
[Batman] Did you program
the coordinates?
And pre-heated
the seat warmer, sir.
[clears throat] Shall I assume
we did not see the Bat-razor
I left on the vanity?
Really? The beard again?
I like it. It totally ups
my intimidation game.
You have donut crumbs
in your intimidation game, sir.
- Hm.
- [muffled alarm blaring]
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
My precious little baby
is in danger.
What the...
- Emergency! Call for help.
- [meows]
- My precious little baby...
- Come on.
- Damian!
- [chuckles]
Wow! Dad!
You look awesome!
Damian, get out of the bag.
Come on, Dad, just let
me come with you.
No. We don't have
time for this.
You won't even know I'm here.
I told you,
- you're not ready.
- [groans]
Ugh! Dad, look how hard
I've been training.
I mean, check out
my rad ninja skills.
- [Batman] Get over here. Argh!
- [grunting]
Argh! My good hip. [groaning]
Oh, my gosh! Alfred!
I'm so sorry.
Damian Thomas Wayne!
That is enough!
I just thought
getting your belt meant
that I was ready to be
a superhero like you.
Well, it didn't.
In fact, give me the belt.
You're clearly not ready for it.
What? Dad, no!
Damian.
Hold on to this
until I get back.
[sighs]
Okay. Now give me a...
goodbye hug?
He'll be fine, sir.
I'll see to that.
I knew he wasn't ready
to have his own belt.
Yes. Well,
I can certainly agree
that "someone" wasn't ready.
[sighs]
I gotta get going, Alfred.
[engine powering up]
[roaring]
Godspeed, sir.
Come along, Damian.
I've got just the thing
to lift your spirits.
A steaming mug of my
world-famous hot cocoa.
With extra marshmallows.
Thanks, but coco's
kinda kid stuff.
"Kid stuff?"
Oh, your father would disagree.
I once saw him drink an
entire gallon in one sitting.
You did not.
[Alfred] Did so.
And he had quite
the swollen stomach
that evening.
Why I had to take the Batsuit
out an entire two inches
before he could even
go out on patrol.
[sighs]
This is so unfair, Selina.
[meows]
You're right. I can't give up.
I'll work even harder to
prove I'm ready to be Batman.
And you know what that means?
Time for some extreme training.
[Alfred humming]
[whispers] Unsupervised
extreme training.
[Damian sighs dramatically]
I don't know, Alfred.
Do you really think
a steaming mug
of your world-famous hot cocoa
with extra marshmallows
could help?
Why I'm certain of it, sir.
Unless it's too much trouble.
Nonsense. Coming up.
All right, Pennyworth,
time to deliver your A-game.
[chuckles]
[munching]
[gasps] Aw, man!
[whirring]
[beeps]
Hm.
Hmph.
[munching]
[groans]
[clinking]
And now the piece de resistance.
[gasps]
Good heavens!
Out of marshmallows?
- What?
- [meows]
How did that happen?
[gulps]
This is catastrophic.
[Damian] That's okay.
After all, it's...
it's only cocoa
without marshmallows.
It's not like it's Christmas Eve
without my...
[sniffles] ...dad.
[imitates crying]
[continues crying]
[clears throat] Fear not.
I shall return before your cocoa
even has a chance to cool.
[Damian panting]
[grunts] You sure?
You really don't need to,
but if you insist.
Hurry back. Okay, bye.
And now, time to train
for I am...
the Night!
[voice echoing] Night. Night.
Night. Night...
[engine whirring]
[humming]
Oh, biscuits!
[tires screeching]
I beg your pardon.
Hey, watch where
you're going, grandpa!
There's some real psychos
in this neighborhood.
[engine whirring and backfiring]
["Oi to the World"
by The Vandals playing]
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
Haji was a bloody mess
He ran out through the crowd
He said, "We'll meet again
We are bloody yet unbowed"
Trevor called his bluff
And told him where to meet
Christmas Day on the roof
Down at 20 Oxford Street
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
[laughs]
I don't need some trip
to Nova Scotia.
This is the best
Christmas Eve ever!
[voice echoing] Ever! Ever!
I haven't determined the cause
of the Batjet malfunction,
but there's no anomaly up here.
In fact,
it's a perfectly typical
- Nova Scotia blizzard!
- [wind howling]
[indistinct voice over phone]
What do you mean,
"What anomaly," J'onn?
If you didn't send me here,
who did?
Ugh! [groaning]
- [crackling]
- Oh, no. Hello?
J'onzz? Hello!
Great.
I can't miss Christmas.
Damian, I'm coming!
[wind howling]
[crashing]
[man and woman straining]
Please, why are you doing this?
Yeah. It's Christmas,
you monster.
I'm just making
some Christmas memories.
Say, "Cheese."
Ugh! Stop it with the videos.
What? Is it a crime
to document our crimes.
[Francine] Just throw
the goods in the van,
- you idiot!
- [loud crash]
We've got a lot
of mansions to hit.
[timer dings]
And now, the most important
part of training,
the post-workout carbo load.
[gulping]
It's good.
But it could have a bit more
turbo charge.
[bubbling]
[chuckles, screams]
[groaning]
I survived an explosion.
Again.
[crackling]
[Francine] This neighborhood's
prime for the picking.
[Terry] Which house
do you want to hit next?
[glass shatters]
That one will do.
So big.
[thudding]
Oh, man.
Alfred's back already?
Ah, we've hit a gold mine.
Looks like no one's home.
Will you shut up and help me,
you ding-dong?
Burglars!
Oh, no. What do I do?
What do I do?
[grunts]
Okay, Damian, calm down.
Think. It's just
a home invasion.
A home invasion?
Dad never told me what to do
in case of one of these.
Ugh! What is this?
Bulletproof glass?
- Here, I've got it.
- No, no, no!
- [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
[exclaims]
[exclaims]
Ugh!
- [Bruce over recording] Emergency...
- Not now. Come on, turn off.
- Turn off.
- My baby is in...
[panting]
Told you I had it.
[rousing music playing]
[chuckles]
Terry, I think
we hit the jackpot.
Cha-ching.
What have I told you
about that stupid phone?
What? Uh-oh.
- [punch lands]
- [Terry] Ouch! I bit my tongue.
- [meows]
- [shushes]
Ah, there's so much stuff.
How are we gonna fit all
this junk inside the van?
We'll just grab what we can
and get a move on.
The boss doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Yeah, that's true.
Remember what happened
to the last bloke?
Ugh! Don't remind me.
I can still hear his screams.
Hang on, Selina.
I'm calling for help.
[breathes heavily] Police.
[operator] Gotham City Police.
How can I help you?
[Terry chuckles]
Check out this cool belt.
[gasps]
[Terry] You think I could
rock something like this?
Just throw it in the bag,
you idiot.
Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna try you on...
[in slowed voice] ...later.
[slowed voice] No!
They can't take my belt.
Dad already thinks
I'm not ready for it.
It'll be years before
he trusts me with another one.
Unless I get it back myself,
then Dad would see that
I am ready to be a superhero.
[operator] Hello?
What's the emergency?
Is anyone injured?
No. But they will be.
- [operator] Hello?
- [call disconnects]
- Come on, Selina.
- [meows]
- [footsteps]
- [Francine] You hear something?
[both laughing]
Man, they wasted a lot of
moolah on a bunch of dumb books.
There's a whole shelf on excavating
shale rock from underneath manors.
That's weirdly specific.
[Damian in deep voice]
Hasn't anyone ever told you
to be quiet in a library?
[grunting]
Give me back my belt.
Okay, you have got
to be kidding me.
[chuckles] Now, this
I've got to get.
Nice entrance, kid.
What are you supposed to be?
I'm Batman.
And your night just got
a whole lot darker.
All right. Come here, kid.
[exclaims] Where did he go?
Peek-a-boo!
- [grunts]
- Ugh, just my luck.
Okay, you little brat.
You had your fun.
Uh, I can't see anything.
[Damian] You can even
say you're blind
as a bat.
- What was that?
- What's going on?
[Damian chuckles]
Adios.
Get over here,
you little turdmuffin!
[both groan]
[groans] I'm gonna
tear that bat's wings off.
Is that all you got?
Uh-oh.
[both screaming]
[chuckling]
Argh!
- [thudding]
- [groaning]
I'm gonna puke.
[loud crash]
[both groaning]
I'm over here, bozos!
Come and get me. [chuckles]
I'm gonna deck the halls
with this kid.
[both scream]
[both groaning]
[screaming continues]
Ha!
[whirring]
[both screaming]
[grunting]
What the...
A kiddy pool?
That's to put out
the grease fire.
Water doesn't put out
grease fires.
Exactly.
[Francine and Terry screaming]
[grunts]
[chuckles]
[both screaming]
[screaming]
Is that our...
[beeping]
[horn honking]
[snaps, pops]
Ugh! Congealed eel?
That's it! I've had it!
Grab what you can.
We're out of here.
Load up. I'll start the van.
- [straining]
- Let it go, kid.
Give me back my utility belt.
You mean my utility belt?
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
- My precious little baby is...
- There it is.
- [ripping]
- [both groan]
Ugh! [gasps]
Will you hurry up?
[engine whirring]
- [chuckles]
- Stop! Get back here.
[honks]
Later, kid.
[Damian grunts]
Now, you're gonna feel
my ninja skills.
[Terry] This kid
just won't quit.
Oh, that's no kid.
[growling]
That's some kind
of feral mutant.
Whoa!
Oh, no!
The boss is gonna kill us.
[chuckles]
Now you've got nothing.
Oh, I wouldn't say nothing.
Whoa! [groans]
[Terry] I got your belt.
You lose, kid.
[groaning]
[growls]
Hm?
Whoa!
[wind whistles]
My belt may be gone,
but this is far from over.
I will have vengeance.
Because they didn't
cross some kid.
They crossed Batman's kid!
[thunder breaks]
[Selina meows]
Sorry, Selina,
but you can't come.
This is gonna be
way too dangerous.
Once I pass through these doors,
the Damian you knew
will be no more.
I know, you're scared for me.
And honestly,
I'm a little scared, too.
- But...
- [snoring]
Oh.
[whispers] Take care
of the house while I'm gone.
[dramatic music plays]
[panting]
[muzak playing]
O holy night
The Stars...
[dramatic music playing]
[chuckles]
[bats screeching]
Whoo-hoo!
Let's see that ice cream truck
outrun this sick set of wheels.
[chuckling] Oh,
what do we have here?
Huh...
It's a bit saggy.
Well, that one just leaves
nothing to the imagination.
What's this?
[gasps]
No way.
Dad made me a Batsuit.
[grunting]
Awesome.
Whoa! Wait until
they get a load of me.
Damian. It's Dad.
Dad?
If you're wearing that suit,
it means I am dead,
and my worst fear has come true.
Crime is back in Gotham.
And now you must take my place
and become...
the Batman.
Unless you broke into the
Batcave and stole the suit,
in which case you're in big trouble,
mister. You just wait till I get home.
Yikes.
By now, I'd already given you the
utility belt that goes with your suit.
That Batsuit is the most
technologically advanced yet.
Heck, yeah.
But before we get
into that tech,
there's a few things your father
would like to share with you,
in case we never got the chance.
Like when I met your mom.
Damian, your mother
was a total smokeshow.
[gags] How do you
fast forward this thing?
- Sugar Moose.
- [electrical buzzing]
you might be getting to that age
where your body is going
through some changes...
Ugh! Gross.
[electrical buzzing]
You gotta be careful, Damian.
[laughs]
Oh, Alfred, the diaper's
integrity, it's been compromised.
- I need wipes...
- Ah, Dad.
[electrical buzzing]
and though I'd won
the brutal fight,
the searing pain of the injuries
I sustained are still with me.
Every day.
Okay, so, onto the Batsuit.
Yeah!
To be honest, Damian, part of me never
wanted you to have to put that suit on.
But another part of me
always knew deep down
that this is what
you were born to do.
My only regret is not being
by your side when you did it.
Thankfully, that's where
the suit's tech comes in.
With the help of AI, I've
programmed myself into the suit.
Activating Bat-Dad.
[electrical buzzing]
[automated voice]
Upload complete.
[laughs]
Okay. Good luck, Damian.
And remember,
I'll be with you always.
Ending transmission.
[both] Kapow!
Da-na-na-na-na-na
Dad?
[electrical buzzing]
[Bat-Dad] Bat-Dad online.
Hello, Damian.
Wow, you can talk? Cool.
Uh... computer, status report.
Please, call me Bat-Dad.
Bio scans indicate you are
eight years and four days old.
Recommendation,
time for night-night.
Great. It's just as overbearing
as the real thing.
Would you like me
to read you a story?
No, thank you.
My memory matrix says I would often
read H appy Puppy's First Day of School.
We don't have time for this,
Bat-Dad.
I have it downloaded
in six languages.
[speaking Spanish] -[Damian speaks
in English] Mute, mute, mute!
[Bat-Dad] It sounds like you'd
like to mute your dead father.
Would you like to mute
your dead father?
No. I mean, yes,
but my dad isn't...
Just mute, please.
No mute function found.
Then why did you just offer?
Whoa!
Awesome.
[Bat-Dad] I'm not
detecting a car seat.
Safety guidelines recommend
children under ten...
Can we just focus?
I need to get my belt back.
[Bat-Dad] Affirmative.
The ability to focus
is a quality every good
superhero must possess.
Uh-huh, yep, thanks.
But I already know the
qualities of a good superhero.
[Bat-Dad] Excellent.
Would you care to review?
Focus, responsibility,
sacrifice...
Please, just stop talking.
Now let's drive this car.
[engine whirring]
[engine stops]
[engine grumbles]
[sputtering]
Come on, go.
Ugh! What's wrong
with this thing?
[system starts]
[engine starts]
[laughs]
[exclaims]
Really, want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
[Damian] Whoo-hoo!
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Ooh. What's this red button do?
[Bat-Dad] That is the turbo thruster.
But I would advise against...
This is awesome!
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
Under the mistletoe
I got it made
Red cup, cherry limeade
So much food
It's like a buffet
I got next
I'm the king of spades
Little kids
Dress up real silly
[blowing nose]
Now let's find those punks
who stole my belt.
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
[jolly music playing]
[laughs] Oh. This is some
swanky villain hideout.
What do you think
is in the vats?
Probably us.
We had one job and we blew it.
Now we've got to meet
the boss empty handed.
We are in so much trouble.
Relax. We're not
completely empty handed.
Let me do the talking.
[laughter nearby]
On second thoughts,
you do the talking.
Hello, sir. You in here?
My associate and I were just
saying what a lovely hideout you...
have... here.
- [horn blares]
- [both scream]
[Joker laughs maniacally]
Well, if it isn't my two favorite new
henchmen, Roscoe and Whatchamacallit.
Um... she's Francine, and I'm...
Good evening, Mr. Joker, sir.
You two are looking
a little worse for wear.
Hopefully that's a sign you did your
part in my a master plan for Gotham.
Oh, how I want to make this
a very special Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah, we had a blast.
You should have seen
this one bloke, he was like...
I'm sorry if I gave
the impression I cared.
Now then,
what do you got for me?
Oh, what do we got?
Oh, sure, uh...
Why don't you go ahead
and do that, Terry,
since you're kind of
spearheading that?
No, no, you do the honors,
Francine.
You do it.
It wasn't me who lost the loot.
I wouldn't have dropped the
loot if you'd driven straight
instead of being scared by
a two-year-old.
He was at least four and a half.
Just give it to me.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme.
Uh... here you go, boss.
[Joker] What's happening here?
Where's the rest?
That, actually, is the rest,
Mr. Joker. Sir.
You've been out all day
and you just bring me this?
[sighs]
Of all the elves I had
do my Christmas bidding,
I gave you two
the poshest neighborhood.
We had more. Lots more.
But then we ran into a number
of unforeseen, unfortunate...
It was Batman.
Batman? Impossible. I tricked
him into leaving Gotham.
Oh, even after all these years
apart, he still ruins everything.
How can he be everywhere at the same time?
All at once, all the time?
I'm so sick
of these Batman games.
No, it was a little Batman.
Little Batman?
What, did he shrink
or something? Hm?
What Terry is trying to say is...
So, there was this little kid
dressed up as Batman.
He beat the crud out of us in
a surprisingly skillful manner.
[Francine] And it was all
because of that belt.
He went berserk for it.
[squeals]
So, let me get this straight.
You're telling me you two
were beat by a child in a...
[yells] Batman costume?
[whimpers] More like PJs
and a paper-bag mask.
There you go. See for yourself.
[Terry]
I'm afraid of the dark.
- What was that?
- What's going on?
[both scream]
Ooh, my. Look at that
little hellion go.
And such rad ninja skills.
[both scream on video]
Whoa! Was that a grease fire?
So clever.
How do you rewind this thing?
Okay, okay, here it is.
[laughs]
Oh, he really fried you like
a couple of chicken fingers.
[laughs] Okay, okay.
One more time.
[laughing maniacally]
This child is sensational.
[grunts]
Give me my belt.
I was only planning
to steal Christmas.
But after watching this kid's
work, it's all so clear.
Why would we just
steal Gotham's Christmas
when it would be so much
more festive to destroy it?
And who better to do it
than a merry little Batman?
[laughs maniacally]
[clock chiming]
What do you have in mind, boss?
Are you still here?
[both scream]
[Terry] Can I at least
have my phone?
Give me my belt.
Give me my belt.
My, how the little cherub
wants his toy belt back.
[laughs]
[Poison Ivy] Did I miss
all the fun?
No. In fact, thanks
to this stocking stuffer,
the real fun is about to begin.
[Poison Ivy] Sounds divine.
[laughs]
Now, if I were a kid looking
for my toy, where would I look?
Hm.
[gasps] Of course.
[laughs]
Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho."
Looking for those scum this way
is taking too long.
Bat-Dad, don't you have some kind
of secret surveillance system?
You know, one that can
tap into everyone's cell phones
and give us eyes everywhere?
[Bat-Dad] Aha. I'm sorry.
That would be an egregious
violation of basic privacy.
No one should be allowed to
have eyes and ears everywhere.
Lucky for us,
someone already does.
Santa Claus.
You should get a picture.
Alfred would love that.
No pictures, only justice.
[Batman] Oh, man,
I'm the worst dad ever.
And I'm not racking up
any superhero points, either.
[scoffs] Anomaly. Come on, Bruce.
Walked right into that one.
I mean, this is textbook
supervillain stuff.
Step one, get Batman
out of town.
Step two, unleash an evil plot and
threaten Gotham and all its people.
All its people...
Damian! Great, like that kid doesn't
find a way to find trouble on his own.
I mean, by now he probably...
- [sirens wailing]
- [indistinct radio chatter]
[Damian] Dad, help me.
Dad, I need you.
Damian! I'll see you
in the Promised Land.
Alfred, no...
Ahh, no!
Don't go there.
Remember what your therapist
said about your brooding?
Just focus
on the repair, Brucey.
Let's see what we got.
Yep, that's what I thought.
Freeze.
[festive Spanish song playing]
Whoa!
Look at all these toys.
[laughs]
[giggles]
Happy holidays.
- Donut eat it all at once.
- [both laugh]
[laughs]
Donuts.
Focus on the belt. I am the night.
I am the night.
Excuse me, citizen of Gotham.
Uh-oh. Looks like someone
got their holidays mixed up.
It's not Halloween, silly.
Santa Claus. Where is he?
Why, jolly old St. Nick's up in
his North Pole workshop, of course.
Located in our toy department.
The escalators
are right over there.
[gasps]
Thank you. Merry Christmas.
[gasps]
It's your turn, little bat boy.
Whoo-hoo, Santa!
I don't have time to get into
anything on my Christmas list.
Like a new pair of titanium
Bat-cuffs or some Bat-Cloaking gear,
or this really cool pneumatic
Bat-Grenade launcher
that comes with the laser scope
and the glow-in-the-dark
Bat-symbols.
[clears throat]
[in deep voice]
I need information, Santa.
Wait a minute.
You're not Santa.
Sure, he is.
Hello.
How else could he possibly know
what you really want for Christmas?
[gasps]
Wait. How did you...
[laughs]
Poison Ivy!
And you must be... Bane.
Come get your little belt,
Bat-Mite.
Give me that back.
[groans]
[Damian grunts]
[laughing maniacally]
[people screaming]
Terrific.
[Bat-Dad] Observation. The
collateral damage you are causing
is putting you and others...
I can't stop now.
If I get my belt back,
I'll prove that
I'm ready to be a superhero.
[grunts]
Huh. [growls]
Works every time.
Whoa!
I picked something up for you
in the garden section.
[screams]
My foliage.
Finally.
[Bane grunting]
Not yet.
Remember what Joker said.
We have to let the little disaster
artist work his magic first.
[Damian screams]
[straining]
No!
Why... does... Santa...
need so many... reindeer?
[gasps, screams]
Whoa, whoa!
[laughs wearily]
[grunting]
- [all gasping]
- [man 1] What's going on?
- [woman 1] You okay, kid?
- [woman 2] It's a freaking bat.
It's okay, citizens.
I... I'm a super...
[tree creaking]
Oh, no.
[crowd clamoring]
[grunts]
[man 2] Hey, watch it.
[laughing maniacally]
[grunts]
[panting]
Bat-Dad, bring up directions
to the Gotham Zoo.
Moments ago,
a tiny, masked figure
single handedly perpetrated
the most odious act of yuletide
vandalism this city has ever seen.
I spoke to a concerned citizen
who had this to say.
I'm concerned.
Who was this
snack-sized scrooge?
And why did he have to
ruin it for everybody?
Those questions
remain unanswered.
But this home grown Gothamite
will only say this:
Humbug to you,
you little menace.
Wherever you are, it'll take
more than knocking down our tree
to ruin this city's
Christmas spirit.
Not mine. I love that tree.
[crying]
What a genius.
[laughs]
He's an absolute miniature
maestro of mayhem.
He's exceeded
my wildest expectations,
and he's playing into
my plan perfectly.
[phone ringing]
Talk to me.
The kid's belt was delivered
to the bird as planned?
Fantastic.
I'm gonna bring a sleigh full of
Christmas chaos to his next stop.
[laughing]
But, you know...
I'm curious to see just how much more
damage our little dynamo could cause,
if properly motivated.
Yes, it's time
for the boy and I to tango.
[laughing maniacally]
- But...
- [muffled conversation]
Huh? I don't wanna waltz.
It's... it's an expression.
Never mind.
I wanna talk to the kid.
That does it.
I'm moving to Metropolis.
I know you're out here.
Show yourself.
Victor.
Tonight's forecast,
a freeze is coming.
[Batman] All these years,
you show up out of nowhere,
that's your opener?
What about,
"Tonight, hell freezes over?"
[Batman] Nope. Still lame.
Dang it. It sounded better
in my head.
Never mind that, Freeze.
Why was I lured out
to the middle...
Oh, wait, I got one.
Time for you to get ice-creamed.
[Mr. Freeze screaming]
Answer me! Freeze!
Why did you bring me here?
[Mr. Freeze] Whoa.
[groans]
Haven't you figured it out?
We needed to get the Bat
out of Gotham.
However, it appears a much
smaller Bat has taken its place.
- [gasps]
- [laughs]
[Batman] Damian!
We've looked everywhere.
There's no sign of that van
or my belt.
[Bat-Dad] Earlier,
you remarked on the need
to prove your readiness
to become a superhero.
Prove to whom?
To you.
Uh, not you, my dad.
So I am not dead.
That is certainly welcome news.
Sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
It is not your fault.
My central processing
made an erroneous assumption.
- Observation.
- What?
I may only be
a simulation of your father,
but after an analysis
of his cognitive patterns
in relation to your
current goal orientation,
I have determined
that the two do not align.
Wanna break that down, Bat-Dad?
Getting your belt back won't
prove anything to your dad.
Maybe you think it won't,
but I know it will.
It has to.
Being Batman alongside my dad
is all I've ever wanted.
I have to show Dad
I can handle myself.
He worries way too much.
He still makes me wear floaties
in the bathtub.
I mean, come on.
I'm not a baby.
Indeed. You are not a baby.
You have been alive
for eight years.
And four days. [laughs]
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I like this place.
My memory matrix recalls visiting
many times with my parents.
I miss doing that with them.
Why did they stop taking...
Oh, right.
Yes, right.
[hoots]
It must have been really hard to lose
your mom and dad when you were just a kid.
[Bat-Dad] Although the memories
are technically not mine,
it was very hard to be alone.
In fact, your father created me
in part to ensure you would never
know a loneliness like that.
Wow, he did?
Hey, Bat-Dad, observation.
Yes, Damian?
I'm glad he did.
I wouldn't want to be alone
right now.
I'm glad I am here, too.
You're a good friend, Bat-Dad.
I'd give you a big hug
if I wasn't, you know,
wearing you.
It's okay.
Just promise to give one to your
father when you next see him.
Yeah, I kind of owe him
one anyway.
What the...
Whoo-hoo!
[laughing]
[Bat-Dad] Caution.
I'm detecting thin ice.
[Damian screaming]
[grunts]
[Bat-Dad] My environmental assessment
system indicates this may be a trap.
I was thinking the same thing,
Bat-Dad.
- [Bat-Dad] Oswald Cobblepot.
- Oswald Cobblepot.
I prefer The Penguin.
You have my belt, Birdbrain.
My, my. He said you were
an obnoxious little brat.
Who said that?
[Joker laughing]
Come now, Oswald.
I never used
those words exactly.
Joker!
Oh, he may be obnoxious, and
he certainly acts like a brat,
but I never called him...
What was the last one?
Oh, it'll come to me.
What do you want, Joker?
Oh, you know your Uncle Joker.
Always stirring the pot.
[laughing]
Now listen carefully.
You will never
get your belt back.
[laughs maniacally]
[Bat-Dad] Caution.
Joker is a master manipulator.
Never ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, get it back.
Oh, yes, I will.
- Will not.
- Will too.
- Will not.
- Will too.
Will not infinity. And
don't say infinity plus one,
because I can do this all day.
Six weeks is his record.
And do you know how I can be so
sure you'll never get it back?
Because it is so clear to me,
and to everyone,
that you simply don't have what
it takes to be a superhero.
[gasps]
I mean, look at your belt.
It's right there,
but I bet you couldn't even
snatch it from old Penguin here.
Weak, old, pathetic,
enfeebled, incontinent...
[The Penguin] Hey!
Oh, yeah?
Give me back my belt.
Whoa! Easy, kid.
You heard the clown.
I'm enfeebled.
Now, that's proper motivation.
My work here is done.
This plan better work.
All right, pipsqueak.
Come and get it.
[The Penguin laughs]
[both grunting]
[grunting]
Yeah!
[straining]
- [The Penguin grunts]
- [groans]
[laughs]
[groaning]
[Bat-Dad groans] Warning.
Core processing unit damaged.
So long, Bat-Brat. [laughs]
[festive music playing]
Merry Christmas, Gotham.
[crowd gasps]
[laughs]
Now, look at that.
My ride's here.
Toodle-oo. [laughs]
This ends now.
[Bat-Dad] Warning.
The damage I sustained
has compromised
the suit's integrity.
Adjusting to compression at this altitude
will bring power below critical level.
[Damian] Hang on.
We're almost there.
Got room for one more?
Huh? For such a little kid,
you sure are a pain in the neck.
- [The Penguin laughs]
- [Damian] Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
[screaming]
[The Penguin] 23 skidoo.
I bid you adieu.
[grunts]
[Damian grunting]
What? He's a freak
of nature.
[crowd screaming]
[Damian] Whoa!
[Bat-Dad] Warning. Power
levels below critical.
[laughs]
[yells]
[both grunting]
Let go, kid.
You'll kill us both.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Give it to me!
Fine. Take it.
I hope it was worth it.
- [The Penguin laughs]
- [Damian screams]
No! [gasps]
What do I do? What do I do?
[Bat-Dad] Solution.
Diverting remaining power
to my inflation systems
will break your fall.
But what will happen to you?
I am sorry, Damian.
I will not survive.
No, you can't.
I'm sorry.
I should have listened.
You were right
about The Penguin.
About everything.
Please, no!
It's okay, Damian.
Remember, an important quality
every good hero must possess
is the willingness
to make sacrifice.
Bat-Dad, no!
Bye, Damian.
Initiating emergency
inflation protocol
in three, two...
[Damian grunts]
[groaning]
Bat-Dad!
Damian, you will make
a great hero one day.
[sniffles]
Don't leave me.
[Bat-Dad] Before shut down.
I just want to thank you.
For what?
Giving me warm memories
of my own.
[powering down]
[somber music playing]
Bat-Dad.
[crowd screaming]
[Gordon]
Deck the halls with...
Commissioner Gordon,
there's reports of mass
destruction downtown
and a crime wave
all across the city.
Calm down.
I've faced situations
more dire than this before.
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [sirens wailing]
I'll handle it.
I'm so glad
We have the Bat-Signal
La-la-la-la-la
[grunts]
[gasps]
[woman gasps]
The Bat-Signal.
They haven't turned
that on in years.
Crime is back in Gotham.
Run for your lives, everyone.
[man] We gotta get out of here.
Save yourselves.
Christmas is ruined!
Wait! Wait!
Oh, biscuits.
[gasps]
Kid, you gotta get out of here.
Nothing is safe anymore.
- [grunts]
- [man] Hey!
[Damian] Wait, wait, no!
- [groans]
- [horn honks]
- [gasps]
- [tires screeching]
- [crowd screaming]
- [gasping]
Santa.
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Hey, that's the kid
who wrecked the parade.
Way to go, jerk.
You ruined Christmas.
Wait, I can explain.
I just wanted to be a superhero.
- [man 1] Get back here.
- [man 2] He's gonna pay.
- [man 1] Where did he go?
- [man 2] Did you see him?
[whimpering]
Dad... [sniffles]
I wish you were here.
[distant whistling]
[gasps]
[gasps]
[panting]
[squeaking]
[whimpers]
[whimpers]
[bottles clinking]
[whimpers]
[straining]
[gasps]
[whimpering]
I'm just a kid. Don't hurt me.
I'm just a kid.
Alfred, what are you doing here?
Did you forget?
Your steaming mug of my world-famous
hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.
Of course, that is, unless
you think cocoa is kid stuff.
[gulping]
- Ah, there now, better?
- [exhales]
[siren wailing in distance]
[somber music playing]
I'm in deep trouble, aren't I?
Oh, yes, most definitely,
Master Wayne.
Yeah. I figured.
I just wanted
to be Batman so bad.
Maybe if Dad didn't treat me
like such baby...
Don't be so hard on your father.
He can overdo it sometimes,
but that's because he's trying
to protect the one thing
you have that he never did.
A childhood.
[sighs] I'm no superhero.
I lost my belt.
I destroyed my Batsuit.
I have no idea
where I parked the bike.
I can't blame anyone but me.
Son, costumes and belts
aren't what make a superhero...
I'm sorry. Did you say
you misplaced the Batpod?
Um, never mind.
Damian, becoming Batman
takes precisely what your father
has been attempting to teach you.
Focus, responsibility,
sacrifice.
[sniffles] Don't forget
high pain threshold.
[chuckles] Indeed.
And while you may not be
a superhero yet, little one,
in my heart,
I know one day you will be.
Thanks, Alfred.
But of course, my boy.
Now, come along.
I'd say we had enough excitement
for one Christmas Eve.
[suspenseful music playing]
[wind blowing]
"Dear Little Batman,
you gave me the best
Christmas gift ever.
Let me return the favor"?
[gas hissing]
[Damian mumbling woozily]
[continues mumbling]
Alfred? Alfred!
Where am I?
[tense music playing]
[balloon pops]
[goop bubbling]
Joker.
[Joker] Jingle
Bells Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile
Lost its wheel
And the Joker got away
[laughing mischievously]
- Snow?
- [Joker laughs]
[door thuds]
- Whoa, whoa!
- [rumbling]
What the...
[rumbling continues]
[gas hissing]
[metal clanks]
["Sweet Gingerbread Man"
playing over speakers]
Fresh out of the pan
Sweet gingerbread man
I'm twirling a cane
Made of peppermint
Uh-huh
Uh-huh
Nice sticky hands...
[both laughing]
Oh, he's here.
Don't just stand there.
It's nearly Christmas morning.
Come in, come in.
[objects clattering]
- [party horn toots]
- You made it.
[all laughing]
I am so sorry
the invite was so last minute.
What is this?
Uh, hello? Look around.
It's a Christmas party.
I don't know what you're up to,
but I'm taking you all in.
Oh, please. Still trying
the hero thing, are we?
Did we learn nothing
from tonight, young man?
Some people...
[coughs] ...you,
just aren't cut out
to be heroes.
Now, come enjoy the party.
Tonight, my boy, we're celebrating
something very special.
Crime's triumphant return
to Gotham.
And what better way to do it
than by stealing its Christmas.
[laughing evilly]
This is where you say,
"Joker, you're mad.
Steal Christmas? But why?"
[in stoic voice]
Joker, you're mad.
Steal Christmas? But why?
It all goes back
to those glory days,
when my friends
and I would terrorize Gotham.
[bell ringing]
[guard] Hey, get back here!
After them!
You'll get yours
in the end, Joker.
- [all laughing]
- [Joker] Oh, how we'd laugh,
and laugh and laugh.
But then crime went away.
We were forced to... retire.
And as a result... [sniffles]
We drifted apart.
[Vicki]
Gotham City just voted
the safest place
on planet Earth.
[people cheering]
[Joker] Now, I always thought the
joy came from committing crime.
Looking back, it was about
committing crime together.
[all laughing]
Aw, you big softie.
[in normal voice]
I don't understand.
What does any of this
have to do with me?
The moment I saw
the sheer mayhem
you were capable of,
I realized that with your help,
we could kick
this whole groovy caper
up a notch and a half.
- High five!
- I'd never help you.
But you already did.
Your chaotic bat-boobery
was a perfect distraction!
[blades whirring]
[Joker] While all eyes
were on you,
we nabbed Christmas
- from every home in Gotham.
- [tires screeching]
- [Bane laughing]
- [woman groaning]
[Poison Ivy laughs] Oh!
[The Penguin cackles]
[Poison Ivy laughs]
[Bane chuckles]
[penguin squawking]
[penguins squawking]
[Joker] We set out
to only steal Christmas,
but you... [giggles]
You destroyed it.
- [church bell tolling]
- And now, thanks to you,
everyone is waking up
to no Christmas.
I was just trying
to get my belt back.
And in the process of this
frankly, selfish pursuit,
you destroyed half the city.
Now that doesn't sound
much like a superhero to me.
In fact, it sounds more
like a super...
villain.
What? No. No, I'm not a...
Sure, you are.
Why do you think
I brought you here?
You're one of us, kid.
[Bane grunting]
We couldn't have
done it without you.
Yes. Thank you, from the
bottom of our cold hearts.
[Joker] Thank you, indeed.
[all laughing]
I can't believe...
You're right.
Only a supervillain would
ruin Christmas.
[sniffling]
That's right.
To thank you
for your contribution,
we thought it'd be real swell if we
all chipped in and got you something.
My utility belt.
Your upgraded utility belt.
We replaced
all the useless safety gear
with more practical devices.
[Bane grunting]
Well said, Bane.
It's the perfect accessory
for supervillains.
Think of all you went through
to get that belt.
You earned it.
Take it.
[all chanting] Take the belt!
Take the belt! Take the belt!
Take the belt!
[chanting fades]
[Bruce] You must take my place
and become... the Batman.
[Alfred] Becoming Batman takes
precisely what your father
has been attempting
to teach you.
[Bruce] Give me the belt.
You're clearly not ready for it.
There now.
Doesn't it feel good
to get what you want?
I guess you're right, Joker.
I'm no superhero.
But then again, I'm not
a supervillain, either.
See, Joker,
being a superhero takes focus,
responsibility...
and sacrifice.
- [fire crackling]
- [Damian grunts]
[all shrieking]
[whooshing]
[clanks]
Holy crap!
All right. Which one of you
gave a little kid explosives?
It did seem like
a good idea at the time.
That's not good.
My snow globe! You broke it.
Now I'm gonna break you.
You got it backwards,
clown face.
I'm taking you down, all of you.
And I'm taking these presents
back to the kids of Gotham.
I'm saving Christmas!
You ungrateful, little twerp.
I'm gonna chop you up
like sardines.
[Damian grunting]
[grunts]
[laughs]
- Hiyah!
- [Bane groans]
- Play ball!
- [Damian yells]
[groans]
[groaning]
[panting]
- [grunts]
- Crush him, Bane.
[Bane growling]
[Damian yells]
[yelling]
[Damian grunts]
All you had to do
was take the belt,
and now I'm gonna
take your head.
[card clangs]
[thuds]
Looks like you're in a little
trouble, Little Batman.
- [The Penguin laughing]
- [Poison Ivy chuckles]
[all laughing]
[Damian grunts]
- [grunting]
- [The Penguin cackling]
No one poops
on my party and lives.
[all laughing]
Yes.
- [whooshing]
- What was that?
[whooshing]
[loud thud]
[Mr. Freeze mumbling]
[dramatic music playing]
[The Penguin gasps]
Dad!
[gasps] Thank goodness,
I found you.
Are you okay? You have any boo-boos?
Are you hurt?
[chuckles] Dad, I'm fine.
[Joker] How very touching.
Stand back, son.
Why didn't you tell me
you were a father?
I thought we were friends.
I'm not your friend, Joker.
I gotta say, love the beard.
Really takes the
intimidation game up a peg.
- Thanks.
- [Poison Ivy grunts]
[Joker grunts]
Looks like it's time to kill
two bats with one stone.
[grunts] Dad, I can do this.
Almost makes me miss my father.
But then I remember how he
dumped my bassinet in the sewer!
[Bane growling]
Just leave him alone.
[Bane growling]
Come on, I've been fighting
these guys all day.
Damian. I told you
to stay back.
Dad, listen to me. I can help.
I said no, Damian.
You're just a kid.
No, I'm not. I'm your kid, Dad.
[Joker cackling]
[in distorted voice] Dad!
[Bruce thuds on floor]
[ear ringing]
[The Penguin groans]
[groaning]
[Poison Ivy and Joker grunting]
[muffled] Don't worry, Dad.
I'll protect you.
- Nobody hurts my dad.
- [Joker grunting]
- What?
- [Damian grunting]
Hiyah!
[yells]
- [grunts] Not so tough without these, are you?
- [Bane grunting]
[all yelping]
[Damian grunts]
You okay, Dad?
He... he is my kid.
Batman is waking up.
[panting]
Leave my dad alone!
[Poison Ivy grunting]
Dude! Damian, rad ninja skills.
Thanks, Dad.
Where's the belt?
Long story.
Tell me later.
In the meantime...
Whoa!
Your utility belt?
Awesome!
Wait. What about you?
Always carry a spare.
Told you,
you had a lot to learn.
Now, what do you say?
You need a wingman?
- More like a sidekick.
- [The Penguin grunting]
Allow me to break the ice,
Little Batman. [yells]
Come on, kiddo.
Let's finish this.
[screams, grunts]
[screaming, grunts]
This is the best
Christmas present ever.
Oh, no.
- [screams]
- [splashes]
[grunts, coughs]
[Bane growling]
My back!
[laughing] Hot enough for you?
Not even close.
[chuckles]
Where's the little one?
[engine revs]
No! [grunts]
- [screams]
- [splashes]
[Joker] You two
look so cute together.
I almost hate
having to blow you apart.
[launcher cocks]
Yeah, crush their stupid faces.
[Batarang whizzing]
[Mr. Freeze screams, thuds]
[screaming and thudding
continues]
[splashing]
Uh-oh. Hit me, Damian!
Careful. Don't poke
your eye out.
[laughs]
A Merry Christmas
to me and to you,
a dark night.
[laughs] You missed!
That's kind of the point.
Oh. Oh, right,
they're Batarangs.
[groaning]
["Silent Night" playing]
[sirens wailing]
[distorted groaning]
[distorted laughing]
[distorted] Merry Christmas.
- [grunts]
- [villains] Ooh.
[both] Oh.
[both]
Da-na-na-na-na-na
[groaning]
How many times
is he gonna fall in that junk?
Seriously, he should keep
a snorkel in his suit pocket.
[Damian laughs]
[Batman] Ready to go home
for Christmas?
[Damian] Actually, Dad,
we have one last mission.
[sirens wailing faintly]
[clangs]
[Damian] Merry Christmas!
- [man] Look, it's Batman!
- [woman] Batman!
- All right.
- Hey, it's our stuff.
My drum set!
A one, and a two,
and a joy to you.
All right, everyone.
Christmas is back on.
[all grunt]
[marching band playing "Deck
The Halls With Boughs Of Holly"]
[Damian laughing]
[man] Look, it's our presents.
- Christmas is saved.
- [woman] Oh, wonderful.
[Alfred laughing]
[laughs] Go long.
[children laughing]
[all cheering]
Merry Christmas, Gotham City.
[yelps]
[slurps]
That would seem to be
all the presents, young sir.
Nope. Still one left.
What's that?
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
- [laughs]
I owed you a hug.
Best Christmas gift ever.
Hm, the price was right.
- [cat meows]
- I beg your pardon, sirs,
but by any chance,
is there room for an old Englishman
and a tabby in that embrace?
There always is.
Merry Christmas, guys.
[Damian sighs]
Damian, what's wrong?
I know it sounds silly, but
I kind of feel bad for Joker.
Feel bad for Joker?
[laughs] That sounds insane.
I mean, he just hit me in
the head with a mallet,
like an hour ago.
I know.
But all he wanted for
Christmas was to not be alone.
My head still hurts, Damian.
- I mean, that mallet was like this big.
- [Selina meows]
You know, Dad, you both say
that you're sworn enemies.
- [Selina purring]
- But deep down,
I think you and Joker
really like each other.
Damian, he's a supervillain.
Mom's a supervillain.
Mom's... complicated.
A complicated supervillain.
[Alfred and Damian laugh]
Hey, don't you start.
Also, I hate the Joker.
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
[chuckles]
Sorry, it's the only Christmas
song I know the words to.
Well, "smells" does
rhyme with "bells."
I quite like that song.
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
[together]
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile
Lost its wheel
And the Joker Had a nice
dinner With all of his friends
I'm not your friend.
["Just Another Christmas Song"
playing]
Uh... just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
Uh... Just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I'm dreaming of
A white Christmas
With jingle bells
In the sky
Do you see what I see?
[vocalizing]
Christmas tree
It's the same old song
But I'll sing along -
Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I'm gonna sing along -
Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
- Just another little song
- Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I said
I think I'll sing along
Just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
[vocalizing]
This time I'll sing along
But this time
I'll sing along
[children]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Bat-Dad]
Merry Christmas, guys.
["Father Christmas"
by The Kinks playing]
When I was small
I believed in Santa Claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up
My stocking at Christmas
Open my presents
And I'd be glad
But the last time I played
Father Christmas
I stood outside
A department store
A gang of kids came over
And mugged me
And knocked my reindeer
To the floor
They said Father Christmas
Give us some money
Don't mess around
With those silly toys
We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over
We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys
To the little rich boys
Father Christmas
Give us some money
Don't mess around
With those silly toys
We'll beat you up
If you don't hand it over
We want your bread
So don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys
To the little rich boys
[song fades]
[Selina yowls]
[grunts]
Master Wayne, come along now.
Time for your cookie-wookies
before bedtime.
Not yet, Alfred.
Selina stole priceless art
- from the Gotham City Museum.
- [meows]
[in gruff voice]
I must have justice.
[Damian grunts]
[laughing]
- Ha!
- [meows]
[grunts]
Phew! Close one, huh, Alfred?
Close indeed.
Now, let's end this madcappery
before you actually do break...
[loud crash]
something like your great
grandfather's ashes.
- [loud clattering]
- And that priceless Picasso.
[ripping]
[Damian laughing]
[meows]
There's no way to run, Selina.
- [yowls]
- [grunts]
[Selina meows]
Ah-ha!
[blows raspberry]
Young man, may I remind you
that Christmas is a mere
two days away?
Father Christmas is watching.
Good! 'Cause even Santa
wouldn't wanna miss this.
[laughs]
- [meows]
- Ha!
[meows]
[Damian] Whoa!
Master Wayne.
Will you be sleeping
down there again?
- [yowls]
- [screaming]
Whoa!
- [thudding]
- [groaning]
[meows]
[thudding]
Whoa!
No. No. No, no, no.
- [thud]
- [yowls]
Whoa!
[grunts] Whoa!
[groans]
[meows]
[groaning]
What?
[beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
Uh-oh.
[metal clinking]
[chuckles nervously]
How's it going?
[gasps] Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?
Did you fall through that vent?
Damian, you could've
gotten hurt.
You shouldn't play with the cat.
You could've gotten
scratched, or worse!
You could've gotten
a brain parasite
from its fecal matter.
[meows]
[gasps] A boo-boo!
Aw, Dad!
Quit worrying so much.
I'm totally fine.
The HVAC unit broke
my fall, see?
[crackling]
[fart sound plays]
Yeah.
Damian, what have we said
about being more careful
and less destructive when
you're playing superhero?
I'm not playing, Dad.
I'm training.
To be a real hero. Like you.
Picture it. You and me
fighting back to back.
Fearless defenders of the night.
Protecting the weak.
Punishing the wicked.
Crime doesn't stand a chance.
Uh-huh. And I've told you,
you're not ready
for that kind of stuff.
Because being
a superhero takes...
[together] Focus,
responsibility and sacrifice.
I know. I know.
Not to mention a pretty
high pain threshold.
You know how many ribs
I've broken?
All of them.
Cool! I want to break
all of my ribs, too.
Come on, kiddo.
Now look, even if I thought
you were ready
to be a crime fighter,
which I don't,
there isn't any crime
left in Gotham to fight.
What do you mean?
Damian? The day I found out
I was going to be a dad
was the happiest day
I've had since...
Well, a long time.
It's like in one instant,
the only thing that mattered
was protecting you
from ever getting hurt.
So before you were born,
I worked overtime
to make Gotham safe.
- [grunts]
- [heavy metal music playing]
[screaming]
[screams, groans]
[screaming]
- [tires screeching]
- [siren wailing]
- [birds chirping]
- [mellow music playing]
- [heavy metal music playing]
- [alarm blaring]
[laughs]
What was that?
[grunting and groaning]
- [children laughing]
- [mellow music playing]
[heavy metal music playing]
- [mellow music playing]
- In breaking news,
all of Gotham City's
supervillains
are now either behind bars
or have been forced
into retirement.
Gotham is officially
90 days crime free
as Batman continues
to clean it up.
Gotham City just voted
the safest place
on planet Earth.
[all cheering]
There is no more crime
in Gotham.
So enjoy being a kid.
But I don't wanna be just a kid.
Whoa! You are way more
than just a kid.
You're "my" kid.
- And that's the best kind.
- [giggling]
[both laugh]
Wait, Dad, what were you doing
down in the basement anyway?
Me? Oh, uh, I don't know.
Maybe I was, uh...
[chuckling] ...wrapping
someone's Christmas present.
- [laughing]
- Yes! What is it?
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
Tell me. Tell me.
Sorry, sport. Bedtime.
Can I at least get a hint?
Let's just say it's something
no future superhero
should be without.
- Is it a Bat-grappling gun?
- Nope.
- Razor-lined Bat-gauntlets.
- Good gravy. No!
- Bat-ice skates?
- Skates?
Now, that's just silly.
[Damian] Is it
a Bat-laser torch?
[Bruce] No.
Bat-cryptographer sequencer?
I'm not even sure what that is.
A heat-seeking
Bat-rocket launcher?
Nope. And you guessed
that already. Twice.
- [laughing]
- [sips]
Master Wayne,
stop playing with your
blood sausage.
[together] Right, yeah,
totally. Sorry, Alfred.
Now, let's enjoy the traditional
Christmas Eve
breakfast of my youth.
Best hurry.
If jellied eel sits too
long, it tends to...
congeal.
[slurps]
Mm. Mm.
[sloshes]
[clears throat]
[Damian] Mm.
[shushes] Donut tell anybody.
[both laugh] Kapow!
Da-na-na-na-na-na
[slurps] And no cowls
at the table.
Aw, come one.
It's Christmas Eve!
Damian, you heard Alfred.
Hmph.
Ah, what the heck?
Here you go, Damian.
Whoa! You mean
I can open it now?
Why not? You get
to stop guessing
and I get to hear myself
think again.
- It's a win-win.
- Mm-hm.
Merry Christmas, kiddo.
[gasps]
My own utility belt!
[laughs] Yeah, that was
my first utility belt, Damian.
What? No way! Oh, man!
I can't believe it.
This is the best, Dad!
You're the best!
Alfred, isn't Dad the best?
- [kisses]
- Oh, my. Yes.
This is indeed exciting.
Oh, what did you put
in the pouches?
That's your Bat-first-aid kit.
Oh, neat.
How about this?
Your Bat-mergency whistle.
Nice. [inhales]
Which should only be used
in case of a Bat-mergency.
[sputters]
Whoa! A Batarang
[laughs]
- [meows]
- It's foam.
But isn't it supposed to fly
back to me.
So it can poke you in the eye?
I don't think so.
That's a practice Batarang.
Dad, don't get me wrong.
I love this belt.
I mean, I love, love, love it.
But where's the, you know,
cool stuff?
You mean dangerous stuff?
Damian, you'll have to earn
those things when you're older.
You still have a lot to learn.
Oh, come on, Dad.
I'm not a baby.
Hey, I never said
you were a baby.
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
My precious little baby
is in danger.
I'll re-record that for you.
Damian, this is the first step
toward becoming a superhero.
Believe me,
I agonized for months
over whether you're
ready for even...
- [device ringing]
- What's that?
- It sounds like the...
- It can't be.
Can't be what?
What can't it be?
The Batphone.
Ooh, wait for me.
I'll put on my belt!
I mean... [clears throat]
[in deep voice] Wait for me.
I'll put on my belt.
[ringing continues]
No one's called
this thing in years.
Crime must be back in Gotham.
It's a Christmas miracle!
Hello? -[voice
chattering indistinctly]
It's the Justice League.
What? Are you serious?
Quick. How's my belt look?
Uh-huh. No, I... I hear you.
A weather anomaly?
In Nova Scotia?
Just let Clark handle it.
It's Christmas Eve.
We all have plans.
No need to send Superman.
We got this.
Sorry, that was Damian.
Yeah, he's eight now.
Crazy, right?
You can't call anyone else?
How about the Twins?
- [indistinct chatter]
- They're not talking?
Well tell them to activate
their Wonder Twin powers
and form into mature adults.
All right. Fine.
I'll leave in five.
Sorry, Damian. I gotta go.
But I promise I'll be back
before Christmas.
Wait, Dad! Dad! Dad!
Let me come with you. Please!
I don't think so, kiddo.
It could be your Christmas
gift for the next year.
For the next ten years!
I can't risk it.
The answer's no.
[Damian] Mm.
Good. Now, where's your
emergency contact list?
Actually, never mind.
I printed extra copies
for your belt.
Okay. What do you do
in the event of a home invasion?
Call the police.
- Mental breakdown?
- Therapist.
A race of giant,
super-intelligent
fungus-beetles attack Gotham?
I don't know.
Call Commissioner Gordon?
Commiss... What? No!
All he ever does
is pass the buck to me.
I'll be back before
you know it, buddy.
I shall ready the Batjet,
Master Wayne.
Batjet, huh?
You're making record time
for not having done this
in years, Bruce.
[Batman] Did you program
the coordinates?
And pre-heated
the seat warmer, sir.
[clears throat] Shall I assume
we did not see the Bat-razor
I left on the vanity?
Really? The beard again?
I like it. It totally ups
my intimidation game.
You have donut crumbs
in your intimidation game, sir.
- Hm.
- [muffled alarm blaring]
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
My precious little baby
is in danger.
What the...
- Emergency! Call for help.
- [meows]
- My precious little baby...
- Come on.
- Damian!
- [chuckles]
Wow! Dad!
You look awesome!
Damian, get out of the bag.
Come on, Dad, just let
me come with you.
No. We don't have
time for this.
You won't even know I'm here.
I told you,
- you're not ready.
- [groans]
Ugh! Dad, look how hard
I've been training.
I mean, check out
my rad ninja skills.
- [Batman] Get over here. Argh!
- [grunting]
Argh! My good hip. [groaning]
Oh, my gosh! Alfred!
I'm so sorry.
Damian Thomas Wayne!
That is enough!
I just thought
getting your belt meant
that I was ready to be
a superhero like you.
Well, it didn't.
In fact, give me the belt.
You're clearly not ready for it.
What? Dad, no!
Damian.
Hold on to this
until I get back.
[sighs]
Okay. Now give me a...
goodbye hug?
He'll be fine, sir.
I'll see to that.
I knew he wasn't ready
to have his own belt.
Yes. Well,
I can certainly agree
that "someone" wasn't ready.
[sighs]
I gotta get going, Alfred.
[engine powering up]
[roaring]
Godspeed, sir.
Come along, Damian.
I've got just the thing
to lift your spirits.
A steaming mug of my
world-famous hot cocoa.
With extra marshmallows.
Thanks, but coco's
kinda kid stuff.
"Kid stuff?"
Oh, your father would disagree.
I once saw him drink an
entire gallon in one sitting.
You did not.
[Alfred] Did so.
And he had quite
the swollen stomach
that evening.
Why I had to take the Batsuit
out an entire two inches
before he could even
go out on patrol.
[sighs]
This is so unfair, Selina.
[meows]
You're right. I can't give up.
I'll work even harder to
prove I'm ready to be Batman.
And you know what that means?
Time for some extreme training.
[Alfred humming]
[whispers] Unsupervised
extreme training.
[Damian sighs dramatically]
I don't know, Alfred.
Do you really think
a steaming mug
of your world-famous hot cocoa
with extra marshmallows
could help?
Why I'm certain of it, sir.
Unless it's too much trouble.
Nonsense. Coming up.
All right, Pennyworth,
time to deliver your A-game.
[chuckles]
[munching]
[gasps] Aw, man!
[whirring]
[beeps]
Hm.
Hmph.
[munching]
[groans]
[clinking]
And now the piece de resistance.
[gasps]
Good heavens!
Out of marshmallows?
- What?
- [meows]
How did that happen?
[gulps]
This is catastrophic.
[Damian] That's okay.
After all, it's...
it's only cocoa
without marshmallows.
It's not like it's Christmas Eve
without my...
[sniffles] ...dad.
[imitates crying]
[continues crying]
[clears throat] Fear not.
I shall return before your cocoa
even has a chance to cool.
[Damian panting]
[grunts] You sure?
You really don't need to,
but if you insist.
Hurry back. Okay, bye.
And now, time to train
for I am...
the Night!
[voice echoing] Night. Night.
Night. Night...
[engine whirring]
[humming]
Oh, biscuits!
[tires screeching]
I beg your pardon.
Hey, watch where
you're going, grandpa!
There's some real psychos
in this neighborhood.
[engine whirring and backfiring]
["Oi to the World"
by The Vandals playing]
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
Haji was a bloody mess
He ran out through the crowd
He said, "We'll meet again
We are bloody yet unbowed"
Trevor called his bluff
And told him where to meet
Christmas Day on the roof
Down at 20 Oxford Street
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
If God came down
On Christmas Day
I know exactly
What he'd say
He'd say "Oi!" to the punks
And "Oi!" to the skins
But "Oi!" to the world
And everybody wins
[laughs]
I don't need some trip
to Nova Scotia.
This is the best
Christmas Eve ever!
[voice echoing] Ever! Ever!
I haven't determined the cause
of the Batjet malfunction,
but there's no anomaly up here.
In fact,
it's a perfectly typical
- Nova Scotia blizzard!
- [wind howling]
[indistinct voice over phone]
What do you mean,
"What anomaly," J'onn?
If you didn't send me here,
who did?
Ugh! [groaning]
- [crackling]
- Oh, no. Hello?
J'onzz? Hello!
Great.
I can't miss Christmas.
Damian, I'm coming!
[wind howling]
[crashing]
[man and woman straining]
Please, why are you doing this?
Yeah. It's Christmas,
you monster.
I'm just making
some Christmas memories.
Say, "Cheese."
Ugh! Stop it with the videos.
What? Is it a crime
to document our crimes.
[Francine] Just throw
the goods in the van,
- you idiot!
- [loud crash]
We've got a lot
of mansions to hit.
[timer dings]
And now, the most important
part of training,
the post-workout carbo load.
[gulping]
It's good.
But it could have a bit more
turbo charge.
[bubbling]
[chuckles, screams]
[groaning]
I survived an explosion.
Again.
[crackling]
[Francine] This neighborhood's
prime for the picking.
[Terry] Which house
do you want to hit next?
[glass shatters]
That one will do.
So big.
[thudding]
Oh, man.
Alfred's back already?
Ah, we've hit a gold mine.
Looks like no one's home.
Will you shut up and help me,
you ding-dong?
Burglars!
Oh, no. What do I do?
What do I do?
[grunts]
Okay, Damian, calm down.
Think. It's just
a home invasion.
A home invasion?
Dad never told me what to do
in case of one of these.
Ugh! What is this?
Bulletproof glass?
- Here, I've got it.
- No, no, no!
- [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
[exclaims]
[exclaims]
Ugh!
- [Bruce over recording] Emergency...
- Not now. Come on, turn off.
- Turn off.
- My baby is in...
[panting]
Told you I had it.
[rousing music playing]
[chuckles]
Terry, I think
we hit the jackpot.
Cha-ching.
What have I told you
about that stupid phone?
What? Uh-oh.
- [punch lands]
- [Terry] Ouch! I bit my tongue.
- [meows]
- [shushes]
Ah, there's so much stuff.
How are we gonna fit all
this junk inside the van?
We'll just grab what we can
and get a move on.
The boss doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Yeah, that's true.
Remember what happened
to the last bloke?
Ugh! Don't remind me.
I can still hear his screams.
Hang on, Selina.
I'm calling for help.
[breathes heavily] Police.
[operator] Gotham City Police.
How can I help you?
[Terry chuckles]
Check out this cool belt.
[gasps]
[Terry] You think I could
rock something like this?
Just throw it in the bag,
you idiot.
Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna try you on...
[in slowed voice] ...later.
[slowed voice] No!
They can't take my belt.
Dad already thinks
I'm not ready for it.
It'll be years before
he trusts me with another one.
Unless I get it back myself,
then Dad would see that
I am ready to be a superhero.
[operator] Hello?
What's the emergency?
Is anyone injured?
No. But they will be.
- [operator] Hello?
- [call disconnects]
- Come on, Selina.
- [meows]
- [footsteps]
- [Francine] You hear something?
[both laughing]
Man, they wasted a lot of
moolah on a bunch of dumb books.
There's a whole shelf on excavating
shale rock from underneath manors.
That's weirdly specific.
[Damian in deep voice]
Hasn't anyone ever told you
to be quiet in a library?
[grunting]
Give me back my belt.
Okay, you have got
to be kidding me.
[chuckles] Now, this
I've got to get.
Nice entrance, kid.
What are you supposed to be?
I'm Batman.
And your night just got
a whole lot darker.
All right. Come here, kid.
[exclaims] Where did he go?
Peek-a-boo!
- [grunts]
- Ugh, just my luck.
Okay, you little brat.
You had your fun.
Uh, I can't see anything.
[Damian] You can even
say you're blind
as a bat.
- What was that?
- What's going on?
[Damian chuckles]
Adios.
Get over here,
you little turdmuffin!
[both groan]
[groans] I'm gonna
tear that bat's wings off.
Is that all you got?
Uh-oh.
[both screaming]
[chuckling]
Argh!
- [thudding]
- [groaning]
I'm gonna puke.
[loud crash]
[both groaning]
I'm over here, bozos!
Come and get me. [chuckles]
I'm gonna deck the halls
with this kid.
[both scream]
[both groaning]
[screaming continues]
Ha!
[whirring]
[both screaming]
[grunting]
What the...
A kiddy pool?
That's to put out
the grease fire.
Water doesn't put out
grease fires.
Exactly.
[Francine and Terry screaming]
[grunts]
[chuckles]
[both screaming]
[screaming]
Is that our...
[beeping]
[horn honking]
[snaps, pops]
Ugh! Congealed eel?
That's it! I've had it!
Grab what you can.
We're out of here.
Load up. I'll start the van.
- [straining]
- Let it go, kid.
Give me back my utility belt.
You mean my utility belt?
[Bruce over recording]
Emergency! Call for help.
- My precious little baby is...
- There it is.
- [ripping]
- [both groan]
Ugh! [gasps]
Will you hurry up?
[engine whirring]
- [chuckles]
- Stop! Get back here.
[honks]
Later, kid.
[Damian grunts]
Now, you're gonna feel
my ninja skills.
[Terry] This kid
just won't quit.
Oh, that's no kid.
[growling]
That's some kind
of feral mutant.
Whoa!
Oh, no!
The boss is gonna kill us.
[chuckles]
Now you've got nothing.
Oh, I wouldn't say nothing.
Whoa! [groans]
[Terry] I got your belt.
You lose, kid.
[groaning]
[growls]
Hm?
Whoa!
[wind whistles]
My belt may be gone,
but this is far from over.
I will have vengeance.
Because they didn't
cross some kid.
They crossed Batman's kid!
[thunder breaks]
[Selina meows]
Sorry, Selina,
but you can't come.
This is gonna be
way too dangerous.
Once I pass through these doors,
the Damian you knew
will be no more.
I know, you're scared for me.
And honestly,
I'm a little scared, too.
- But...
- [snoring]
Oh.
[whispers] Take care
of the house while I'm gone.
[dramatic music plays]
[panting]
[muzak playing]
O holy night
The Stars...
[dramatic music playing]
[chuckles]
[bats screeching]
Whoo-hoo!
Let's see that ice cream truck
outrun this sick set of wheels.
[chuckling] Oh,
what do we have here?
Huh...
It's a bit saggy.
Well, that one just leaves
nothing to the imagination.
What's this?
[gasps]
No way.
Dad made me a Batsuit.
[grunting]
Awesome.
Whoa! Wait until
they get a load of me.
Damian. It's Dad.
Dad?
If you're wearing that suit,
it means I am dead,
and my worst fear has come true.
Crime is back in Gotham.
And now you must take my place
and become...
the Batman.
Unless you broke into the
Batcave and stole the suit,
in which case you're in big trouble,
mister. You just wait till I get home.
Yikes.
By now, I'd already given you the
utility belt that goes with your suit.
That Batsuit is the most
technologically advanced yet.
Heck, yeah.
But before we get
into that tech,
there's a few things your father
would like to share with you,
in case we never got the chance.
Like when I met your mom.
Damian, your mother
was a total smokeshow.
[gags] How do you
fast forward this thing?
- Sugar Moose.
- [electrical buzzing]
you might be getting to that age
where your body is going
through some changes...
Ugh! Gross.
[electrical buzzing]
You gotta be careful, Damian.
[laughs]
Oh, Alfred, the diaper's
integrity, it's been compromised.
- I need wipes...
- Ah, Dad.
[electrical buzzing]
and though I'd won
the brutal fight,
the searing pain of the injuries
I sustained are still with me.
Every day.
Okay, so, onto the Batsuit.
Yeah!
To be honest, Damian, part of me never
wanted you to have to put that suit on.
But another part of me
always knew deep down
that this is what
you were born to do.
My only regret is not being
by your side when you did it.
Thankfully, that's where
the suit's tech comes in.
With the help of AI, I've
programmed myself into the suit.
Activating Bat-Dad.
[electrical buzzing]
[automated voice]
Upload complete.
[laughs]
Okay. Good luck, Damian.
And remember,
I'll be with you always.
Ending transmission.
[both] Kapow!
Da-na-na-na-na-na
Dad?
[electrical buzzing]
[Bat-Dad] Bat-Dad online.
Hello, Damian.
Wow, you can talk? Cool.
Uh... computer, status report.
Please, call me Bat-Dad.
Bio scans indicate you are
eight years and four days old.
Recommendation,
time for night-night.
Great. It's just as overbearing
as the real thing.
Would you like me
to read you a story?
No, thank you.
My memory matrix says I would often
read H appy Puppy's First Day of School.
We don't have time for this,
Bat-Dad.
I have it downloaded
in six languages.
[speaking Spanish] -[Damian speaks
in English] Mute, mute, mute!
[Bat-Dad] It sounds like you'd
like to mute your dead father.
Would you like to mute
your dead father?
No. I mean, yes,
but my dad isn't...
Just mute, please.
No mute function found.
Then why did you just offer?
Whoa!
Awesome.
[Bat-Dad] I'm not
detecting a car seat.
Safety guidelines recommend
children under ten...
Can we just focus?
I need to get my belt back.
[Bat-Dad] Affirmative.
The ability to focus
is a quality every good
superhero must possess.
Uh-huh, yep, thanks.
But I already know the
qualities of a good superhero.
[Bat-Dad] Excellent.
Would you care to review?
Focus, responsibility,
sacrifice...
Please, just stop talking.
Now let's drive this car.
[engine whirring]
[engine stops]
[engine grumbles]
[sputtering]
Come on, go.
Ugh! What's wrong
with this thing?
[system starts]
[engine starts]
[laughs]
[exclaims]
Really, want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
[Damian] Whoo-hoo!
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Ooh. What's this red button do?
[Bat-Dad] That is the turbo thruster.
But I would advise against...
This is awesome!
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
Under the mistletoe
I got it made
Red cup, cherry limeade
So much food
It's like a buffet
I got next
I'm the king of spades
Little kids
Dress up real silly
[blowing nose]
Now let's find those punks
who stole my belt.
All I really want
Really want for Christmas
Is everything
On my list, baby, hey
[jolly music playing]
[laughs] Oh. This is some
swanky villain hideout.
What do you think
is in the vats?
Probably us.
We had one job and we blew it.
Now we've got to meet
the boss empty handed.
We are in so much trouble.
Relax. We're not
completely empty handed.
Let me do the talking.
[laughter nearby]
On second thoughts,
you do the talking.
Hello, sir. You in here?
My associate and I were just
saying what a lovely hideout you...
have... here.
- [horn blares]
- [both scream]
[Joker laughs maniacally]
Well, if it isn't my two favorite new
henchmen, Roscoe and Whatchamacallit.
Um... she's Francine, and I'm...
Good evening, Mr. Joker, sir.
You two are looking
a little worse for wear.
Hopefully that's a sign you did your
part in my a master plan for Gotham.
Oh, how I want to make this
a very special Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah, we had a blast.
You should have seen
this one bloke, he was like...
I'm sorry if I gave
the impression I cared.
Now then,
what do you got for me?
Oh, what do we got?
Oh, sure, uh...
Why don't you go ahead
and do that, Terry,
since you're kind of
spearheading that?
No, no, you do the honors,
Francine.
You do it.
It wasn't me who lost the loot.
I wouldn't have dropped the
loot if you'd driven straight
instead of being scared by
a two-year-old.
He was at least four and a half.
Just give it to me.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme.
Uh... here you go, boss.
[Joker] What's happening here?
Where's the rest?
That, actually, is the rest,
Mr. Joker. Sir.
You've been out all day
and you just bring me this?
[sighs]
Of all the elves I had
do my Christmas bidding,
I gave you two
the poshest neighborhood.
We had more. Lots more.
But then we ran into a number
of unforeseen, unfortunate...
It was Batman.
Batman? Impossible. I tricked
him into leaving Gotham.
Oh, even after all these years
apart, he still ruins everything.
How can he be everywhere at the same time?
All at once, all the time?
I'm so sick
of these Batman games.
No, it was a little Batman.
Little Batman?
What, did he shrink
or something? Hm?
What Terry is trying to say is...
So, there was this little kid
dressed up as Batman.
He beat the crud out of us in
a surprisingly skillful manner.
[Francine] And it was all
because of that belt.
He went berserk for it.
[squeals]
So, let me get this straight.
You're telling me you two
were beat by a child in a...
[yells] Batman costume?
[whimpers] More like PJs
and a paper-bag mask.
There you go. See for yourself.
[Terry]
I'm afraid of the dark.
- What was that?
- What's going on?
[both scream]
Ooh, my. Look at that
little hellion go.
And such rad ninja skills.
[both scream on video]
Whoa! Was that a grease fire?
So clever.
How do you rewind this thing?
Okay, okay, here it is.
[laughs]
Oh, he really fried you like
a couple of chicken fingers.
[laughs] Okay, okay.
One more time.
[laughing maniacally]
This child is sensational.
[grunts]
Give me my belt.
I was only planning
to steal Christmas.
But after watching this kid's
work, it's all so clear.
Why would we just
steal Gotham's Christmas
when it would be so much
more festive to destroy it?
And who better to do it
than a merry little Batman?
[laughs maniacally]
[clock chiming]
What do you have in mind, boss?
Are you still here?
[both scream]
[Terry] Can I at least
have my phone?
Give me my belt.
Give me my belt.
My, how the little cherub
wants his toy belt back.
[laughs]
[Poison Ivy] Did I miss
all the fun?
No. In fact, thanks
to this stocking stuffer,
the real fun is about to begin.
[Poison Ivy] Sounds divine.
[laughs]
Now, if I were a kid looking
for my toy, where would I look?
Hm.
[gasps] Of course.
[laughs]
Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho."
Looking for those scum this way
is taking too long.
Bat-Dad, don't you have some kind
of secret surveillance system?
You know, one that can
tap into everyone's cell phones
and give us eyes everywhere?
[Bat-Dad] Aha. I'm sorry.
That would be an egregious
violation of basic privacy.
No one should be allowed to
have eyes and ears everywhere.
Lucky for us,
someone already does.
Santa Claus.
You should get a picture.
Alfred would love that.
No pictures, only justice.
[Batman] Oh, man,
I'm the worst dad ever.
And I'm not racking up
any superhero points, either.
[scoffs] Anomaly. Come on, Bruce.
Walked right into that one.
I mean, this is textbook
supervillain stuff.
Step one, get Batman
out of town.
Step two, unleash an evil plot and
threaten Gotham and all its people.
All its people...
Damian! Great, like that kid doesn't
find a way to find trouble on his own.
I mean, by now he probably...
- [sirens wailing]
- [indistinct radio chatter]
[Damian] Dad, help me.
Dad, I need you.
Damian! I'll see you
in the Promised Land.
Alfred, no...
Ahh, no!
Don't go there.
Remember what your therapist
said about your brooding?
Just focus
on the repair, Brucey.
Let's see what we got.
Yep, that's what I thought.
Freeze.
[festive Spanish song playing]
Whoa!
Look at all these toys.
[laughs]
[giggles]
Happy holidays.
- Donut eat it all at once.
- [both laugh]
[laughs]
Donuts.
Focus on the belt. I am the night.
I am the night.
Excuse me, citizen of Gotham.
Uh-oh. Looks like someone
got their holidays mixed up.
It's not Halloween, silly.
Santa Claus. Where is he?
Why, jolly old St. Nick's up in
his North Pole workshop, of course.
Located in our toy department.
The escalators
are right over there.
[gasps]
Thank you. Merry Christmas.
[gasps]
It's your turn, little bat boy.
Whoo-hoo, Santa!
I don't have time to get into
anything on my Christmas list.
Like a new pair of titanium
Bat-cuffs or some Bat-Cloaking gear,
or this really cool pneumatic
Bat-Grenade launcher
that comes with the laser scope
and the glow-in-the-dark
Bat-symbols.
[clears throat]
[in deep voice]
I need information, Santa.
Wait a minute.
You're not Santa.
Sure, he is.
Hello.
How else could he possibly know
what you really want for Christmas?
[gasps]
Wait. How did you...
[laughs]
Poison Ivy!
And you must be... Bane.
Come get your little belt,
Bat-Mite.
Give me that back.
[groans]
[Damian grunts]
[laughing maniacally]
[people screaming]
Terrific.
[Bat-Dad] Observation. The
collateral damage you are causing
is putting you and others...
I can't stop now.
If I get my belt back,
I'll prove that
I'm ready to be a superhero.
[grunts]
Huh. [growls]
Works every time.
Whoa!
I picked something up for you
in the garden section.
[screams]
My foliage.
Finally.
[Bane grunting]
Not yet.
Remember what Joker said.
We have to let the little disaster
artist work his magic first.
[Damian screams]
[straining]
No!
Why... does... Santa...
need so many... reindeer?
[gasps, screams]
Whoa, whoa!
[laughs wearily]
[grunting]
- [all gasping]
- [man 1] What's going on?
- [woman 1] You okay, kid?
- [woman 2] It's a freaking bat.
It's okay, citizens.
I... I'm a super...
[tree creaking]
Oh, no.
[crowd clamoring]
[grunts]
[man 2] Hey, watch it.
[laughing maniacally]
[grunts]
[panting]
Bat-Dad, bring up directions
to the Gotham Zoo.
Moments ago,
a tiny, masked figure
single handedly perpetrated
the most odious act of yuletide
vandalism this city has ever seen.
I spoke to a concerned citizen
who had this to say.
I'm concerned.
Who was this
snack-sized scrooge?
And why did he have to
ruin it for everybody?
Those questions
remain unanswered.
But this home grown Gothamite
will only say this:
Humbug to you,
you little menace.
Wherever you are, it'll take
more than knocking down our tree
to ruin this city's
Christmas spirit.
Not mine. I love that tree.
[crying]
What a genius.
[laughs]
He's an absolute miniature
maestro of mayhem.
He's exceeded
my wildest expectations,
and he's playing into
my plan perfectly.
[phone ringing]
Talk to me.
The kid's belt was delivered
to the bird as planned?
Fantastic.
I'm gonna bring a sleigh full of
Christmas chaos to his next stop.
[laughing]
But, you know...
I'm curious to see just how much more
damage our little dynamo could cause,
if properly motivated.
Yes, it's time
for the boy and I to tango.
[laughing maniacally]
- But...
- [muffled conversation]
Huh? I don't wanna waltz.
It's... it's an expression.
Never mind.
I wanna talk to the kid.
That does it.
I'm moving to Metropolis.
I know you're out here.
Show yourself.
Victor.
Tonight's forecast,
a freeze is coming.
[Batman] All these years,
you show up out of nowhere,
that's your opener?
What about,
"Tonight, hell freezes over?"
[Batman] Nope. Still lame.
Dang it. It sounded better
in my head.
Never mind that, Freeze.
Why was I lured out
to the middle...
Oh, wait, I got one.
Time for you to get ice-creamed.
[Mr. Freeze screaming]
Answer me! Freeze!
Why did you bring me here?
[Mr. Freeze] Whoa.
[groans]
Haven't you figured it out?
We needed to get the Bat
out of Gotham.
However, it appears a much
smaller Bat has taken its place.
- [gasps]
- [laughs]
[Batman] Damian!
We've looked everywhere.
There's no sign of that van
or my belt.
[Bat-Dad] Earlier,
you remarked on the need
to prove your readiness
to become a superhero.
Prove to whom?
To you.
Uh, not you, my dad.
So I am not dead.
That is certainly welcome news.
Sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
It is not your fault.
My central processing
made an erroneous assumption.
- Observation.
- What?
I may only be
a simulation of your father,
but after an analysis
of his cognitive patterns
in relation to your
current goal orientation,
I have determined
that the two do not align.
Wanna break that down, Bat-Dad?
Getting your belt back won't
prove anything to your dad.
Maybe you think it won't,
but I know it will.
It has to.
Being Batman alongside my dad
is all I've ever wanted.
I have to show Dad
I can handle myself.
He worries way too much.
He still makes me wear floaties
in the bathtub.
I mean, come on.
I'm not a baby.
Indeed. You are not a baby.
You have been alive
for eight years.
And four days. [laughs]
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I like this place.
My memory matrix recalls visiting
many times with my parents.
I miss doing that with them.
Why did they stop taking...
Oh, right.
Yes, right.
[hoots]
It must have been really hard to lose
your mom and dad when you were just a kid.
[Bat-Dad] Although the memories
are technically not mine,
it was very hard to be alone.
In fact, your father created me
in part to ensure you would never
know a loneliness like that.
Wow, he did?
Hey, Bat-Dad, observation.
Yes, Damian?
I'm glad he did.
I wouldn't want to be alone
right now.
I'm glad I am here, too.
You're a good friend, Bat-Dad.
I'd give you a big hug
if I wasn't, you know,
wearing you.
It's okay.
Just promise to give one to your
father when you next see him.
Yeah, I kind of owe him
one anyway.
What the...
Whoo-hoo!
[laughing]
[Bat-Dad] Caution.
I'm detecting thin ice.
[Damian screaming]
[grunts]
[Bat-Dad] My environmental assessment
system indicates this may be a trap.
I was thinking the same thing,
Bat-Dad.
- [Bat-Dad] Oswald Cobblepot.
- Oswald Cobblepot.
I prefer The Penguin.
You have my belt, Birdbrain.
My, my. He said you were
an obnoxious little brat.
Who said that?
[Joker laughing]
Come now, Oswald.
I never used
those words exactly.
Joker!
Oh, he may be obnoxious, and
he certainly acts like a brat,
but I never called him...
What was the last one?
Oh, it'll come to me.
What do you want, Joker?
Oh, you know your Uncle Joker.
Always stirring the pot.
[laughing]
Now listen carefully.
You will never
get your belt back.
[laughs maniacally]
[Bat-Dad] Caution.
Joker is a master manipulator.
Never ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, get it back.
Oh, yes, I will.
- Will not.
- Will too.
- Will not.
- Will too.
Will not infinity. And
don't say infinity plus one,
because I can do this all day.
Six weeks is his record.
And do you know how I can be so
sure you'll never get it back?
Because it is so clear to me,
and to everyone,
that you simply don't have what
it takes to be a superhero.
[gasps]
I mean, look at your belt.
It's right there,
but I bet you couldn't even
snatch it from old Penguin here.
Weak, old, pathetic,
enfeebled, incontinent...
[The Penguin] Hey!
Oh, yeah?
Give me back my belt.
Whoa! Easy, kid.
You heard the clown.
I'm enfeebled.
Now, that's proper motivation.
My work here is done.
This plan better work.
All right, pipsqueak.
Come and get it.
[The Penguin laughs]
[both grunting]
[grunting]
Yeah!
[straining]
- [The Penguin grunts]
- [groans]
[laughs]
[groaning]
[Bat-Dad groans] Warning.
Core processing unit damaged.
So long, Bat-Brat. [laughs]
[festive music playing]
Merry Christmas, Gotham.
[crowd gasps]
[laughs]
Now, look at that.
My ride's here.
Toodle-oo. [laughs]
This ends now.
[Bat-Dad] Warning.
The damage I sustained
has compromised
the suit's integrity.
Adjusting to compression at this altitude
will bring power below critical level.
[Damian] Hang on.
We're almost there.
Got room for one more?
Huh? For such a little kid,
you sure are a pain in the neck.
- [The Penguin laughs]
- [Damian] Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
[screaming]
[The Penguin] 23 skidoo.
I bid you adieu.
[grunts]
[Damian grunting]
What? He's a freak
of nature.
[crowd screaming]
[Damian] Whoa!
[Bat-Dad] Warning. Power
levels below critical.
[laughs]
[yells]
[both grunting]
Let go, kid.
You'll kill us both.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Give it to me!
Fine. Take it.
I hope it was worth it.
- [The Penguin laughs]
- [Damian screams]
No! [gasps]
What do I do? What do I do?
[Bat-Dad] Solution.
Diverting remaining power
to my inflation systems
will break your fall.
But what will happen to you?
I am sorry, Damian.
I will not survive.
No, you can't.
I'm sorry.
I should have listened.
You were right
about The Penguin.
About everything.
Please, no!
It's okay, Damian.
Remember, an important quality
every good hero must possess
is the willingness
to make sacrifice.
Bat-Dad, no!
Bye, Damian.
Initiating emergency
inflation protocol
in three, two...
[Damian grunts]
[groaning]
Bat-Dad!
Damian, you will make
a great hero one day.
[sniffles]
Don't leave me.
[Bat-Dad] Before shut down.
I just want to thank you.
For what?
Giving me warm memories
of my own.
[powering down]
[somber music playing]
Bat-Dad.
[crowd screaming]
[Gordon]
Deck the halls with...
Commissioner Gordon,
there's reports of mass
destruction downtown
and a crime wave
all across the city.
Calm down.
I've faced situations
more dire than this before.
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [sirens wailing]
I'll handle it.
I'm so glad
We have the Bat-Signal
La-la-la-la-la
[grunts]
[gasps]
[woman gasps]
The Bat-Signal.
They haven't turned
that on in years.
Crime is back in Gotham.
Run for your lives, everyone.
[man] We gotta get out of here.
Save yourselves.
Christmas is ruined!
Wait! Wait!
Oh, biscuits.
[gasps]
Kid, you gotta get out of here.
Nothing is safe anymore.
- [grunts]
- [man] Hey!
[Damian] Wait, wait, no!
- [groans]
- [horn honks]
- [gasps]
- [tires screeching]
- [crowd screaming]
- [gasping]
Santa.
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Hey, that's the kid
who wrecked the parade.
Way to go, jerk.
You ruined Christmas.
Wait, I can explain.
I just wanted to be a superhero.
- [man 1] Get back here.
- [man 2] He's gonna pay.
- [man 1] Where did he go?
- [man 2] Did you see him?
[whimpering]
Dad... [sniffles]
I wish you were here.
[distant whistling]
[gasps]
[gasps]
[panting]
[squeaking]
[whimpers]
[whimpers]
[bottles clinking]
[whimpers]
[straining]
[gasps]
[whimpering]
I'm just a kid. Don't hurt me.
I'm just a kid.
Alfred, what are you doing here?
Did you forget?
Your steaming mug of my world-famous
hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.
Of course, that is, unless
you think cocoa is kid stuff.
[gulping]
- Ah, there now, better?
- [exhales]
[siren wailing in distance]
[somber music playing]
I'm in deep trouble, aren't I?
Oh, yes, most definitely,
Master Wayne.
Yeah. I figured.
I just wanted
to be Batman so bad.
Maybe if Dad didn't treat me
like such baby...
Don't be so hard on your father.
He can overdo it sometimes,
but that's because he's trying
to protect the one thing
you have that he never did.
A childhood.
[sighs] I'm no superhero.
I lost my belt.
I destroyed my Batsuit.
I have no idea
where I parked the bike.
I can't blame anyone but me.
Son, costumes and belts
aren't what make a superhero...
I'm sorry. Did you say
you misplaced the Batpod?
Um, never mind.
Damian, becoming Batman
takes precisely what your father
has been attempting to teach you.
Focus, responsibility,
sacrifice.
[sniffles] Don't forget
high pain threshold.
[chuckles] Indeed.
And while you may not be
a superhero yet, little one,
in my heart,
I know one day you will be.
Thanks, Alfred.
But of course, my boy.
Now, come along.
I'd say we had enough excitement
for one Christmas Eve.
[suspenseful music playing]
[wind blowing]
"Dear Little Batman,
you gave me the best
Christmas gift ever.
Let me return the favor"?
[gas hissing]
[Damian mumbling woozily]
[continues mumbling]
Alfred? Alfred!
Where am I?
[tense music playing]
[balloon pops]
[goop bubbling]
Joker.
[Joker] Jingle
Bells Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile
Lost its wheel
And the Joker got away
[laughing mischievously]
- Snow?
- [Joker laughs]
[door thuds]
- Whoa, whoa!
- [rumbling]
What the...
[rumbling continues]
[gas hissing]
[metal clanks]
["Sweet Gingerbread Man"
playing over speakers]
Fresh out of the pan
Sweet gingerbread man
I'm twirling a cane
Made of peppermint
Uh-huh
Uh-huh
Nice sticky hands...
[both laughing]
Oh, he's here.
Don't just stand there.
It's nearly Christmas morning.
Come in, come in.
[objects clattering]
- [party horn toots]
- You made it.
[all laughing]
I am so sorry
the invite was so last minute.
What is this?
Uh, hello? Look around.
It's a Christmas party.
I don't know what you're up to,
but I'm taking you all in.
Oh, please. Still trying
the hero thing, are we?
Did we learn nothing
from tonight, young man?
Some people...
[coughs] ...you,
just aren't cut out
to be heroes.
Now, come enjoy the party.
Tonight, my boy, we're celebrating
something very special.
Crime's triumphant return
to Gotham.
And what better way to do it
than by stealing its Christmas.
[laughing evilly]
This is where you say,
"Joker, you're mad.
Steal Christmas? But why?"
[in stoic voice]
Joker, you're mad.
Steal Christmas? But why?
It all goes back
to those glory days,
when my friends
and I would terrorize Gotham.
[bell ringing]
[guard] Hey, get back here!
After them!
You'll get yours
in the end, Joker.
- [all laughing]
- [Joker] Oh, how we'd laugh,
and laugh and laugh.
But then crime went away.
We were forced to... retire.
And as a result... [sniffles]
We drifted apart.
[Vicki]
Gotham City just voted
the safest place
on planet Earth.
[people cheering]
[Joker] Now, I always thought the
joy came from committing crime.
Looking back, it was about
committing crime together.
[all laughing]
Aw, you big softie.
[in normal voice]
I don't understand.
What does any of this
have to do with me?
The moment I saw
the sheer mayhem
you were capable of,
I realized that with your help,
we could kick
this whole groovy caper
up a notch and a half.
- High five!
- I'd never help you.
But you already did.
Your chaotic bat-boobery
was a perfect distraction!
[blades whirring]
[Joker] While all eyes
were on you,
we nabbed Christmas
- from every home in Gotham.
- [tires screeching]
- [Bane laughing]
- [woman groaning]
[Poison Ivy laughs] Oh!
[The Penguin cackles]
[Poison Ivy laughs]
[Bane chuckles]
[penguin squawking]
[penguins squawking]
[Joker] We set out
to only steal Christmas,
but you... [giggles]
You destroyed it.
- [church bell tolling]
- And now, thanks to you,
everyone is waking up
to no Christmas.
I was just trying
to get my belt back.
And in the process of this
frankly, selfish pursuit,
you destroyed half the city.
Now that doesn't sound
much like a superhero to me.
In fact, it sounds more
like a super...
villain.
What? No. No, I'm not a...
Sure, you are.
Why do you think
I brought you here?
You're one of us, kid.
[Bane grunting]
We couldn't have
done it without you.
Yes. Thank you, from the
bottom of our cold hearts.
[Joker] Thank you, indeed.
[all laughing]
I can't believe...
You're right.
Only a supervillain would
ruin Christmas.
[sniffling]
That's right.
To thank you
for your contribution,
we thought it'd be real swell if we
all chipped in and got you something.
My utility belt.
Your upgraded utility belt.
We replaced
all the useless safety gear
with more practical devices.
[Bane grunting]
Well said, Bane.
It's the perfect accessory
for supervillains.
Think of all you went through
to get that belt.
You earned it.
Take it.
[all chanting] Take the belt!
Take the belt! Take the belt!
Take the belt!
[chanting fades]
[Bruce] You must take my place
and become... the Batman.
[Alfred] Becoming Batman takes
precisely what your father
has been attempting
to teach you.
[Bruce] Give me the belt.
You're clearly not ready for it.
There now.
Doesn't it feel good
to get what you want?
I guess you're right, Joker.
I'm no superhero.
But then again, I'm not
a supervillain, either.
See, Joker,
being a superhero takes focus,
responsibility...
and sacrifice.
- [fire crackling]
- [Damian grunts]
[all shrieking]
[whooshing]
[clanks]
Holy crap!
All right. Which one of you
gave a little kid explosives?
It did seem like
a good idea at the time.
That's not good.
My snow globe! You broke it.
Now I'm gonna break you.
You got it backwards,
clown face.
I'm taking you down, all of you.
And I'm taking these presents
back to the kids of Gotham.
I'm saving Christmas!
You ungrateful, little twerp.
I'm gonna chop you up
like sardines.
[Damian grunting]
[grunts]
[laughs]
- Hiyah!
- [Bane groans]
- Play ball!
- [Damian yells]
[groans]
[groaning]
[panting]
- [grunts]
- Crush him, Bane.
[Bane growling]
[Damian yells]
[yelling]
[Damian grunts]
All you had to do
was take the belt,
and now I'm gonna
take your head.
[card clangs]
[thuds]
Looks like you're in a little
trouble, Little Batman.
- [The Penguin laughing]
- [Poison Ivy chuckles]
[all laughing]
[Damian grunts]
- [grunting]
- [The Penguin cackling]
No one poops
on my party and lives.
[all laughing]
Yes.
- [whooshing]
- What was that?
[whooshing]
[loud thud]
[Mr. Freeze mumbling]
[dramatic music playing]
[The Penguin gasps]
Dad!
[gasps] Thank goodness,
I found you.
Are you okay? You have any boo-boos?
Are you hurt?
[chuckles] Dad, I'm fine.
[Joker] How very touching.
Stand back, son.
Why didn't you tell me
you were a father?
I thought we were friends.
I'm not your friend, Joker.
I gotta say, love the beard.
Really takes the
intimidation game up a peg.
- Thanks.
- [Poison Ivy grunts]
[Joker grunts]
Looks like it's time to kill
two bats with one stone.
[grunts] Dad, I can do this.
Almost makes me miss my father.
But then I remember how he
dumped my bassinet in the sewer!
[Bane growling]
Just leave him alone.
[Bane growling]
Come on, I've been fighting
these guys all day.
Damian. I told you
to stay back.
Dad, listen to me. I can help.
I said no, Damian.
You're just a kid.
No, I'm not. I'm your kid, Dad.
[Joker cackling]
[in distorted voice] Dad!
[Bruce thuds on floor]
[ear ringing]
[The Penguin groans]
[groaning]
[Poison Ivy and Joker grunting]
[muffled] Don't worry, Dad.
I'll protect you.
- Nobody hurts my dad.
- [Joker grunting]
- What?
- [Damian grunting]
Hiyah!
[yells]
- [grunts] Not so tough without these, are you?
- [Bane grunting]
[all yelping]
[Damian grunts]
You okay, Dad?
He... he is my kid.
Batman is waking up.
[panting]
Leave my dad alone!
[Poison Ivy grunting]
Dude! Damian, rad ninja skills.
Thanks, Dad.
Where's the belt?
Long story.
Tell me later.
In the meantime...
Whoa!
Your utility belt?
Awesome!
Wait. What about you?
Always carry a spare.
Told you,
you had a lot to learn.
Now, what do you say?
You need a wingman?
- More like a sidekick.
- [The Penguin grunting]
Allow me to break the ice,
Little Batman. [yells]
Come on, kiddo.
Let's finish this.
[screams, grunts]
[screaming, grunts]
This is the best
Christmas present ever.
Oh, no.
- [screams]
- [splashes]
[grunts, coughs]
[Bane growling]
My back!
[laughing] Hot enough for you?
Not even close.
[chuckles]
Where's the little one?
[engine revs]
No! [grunts]
- [screams]
- [splashes]
[Joker] You two
look so cute together.
I almost hate
having to blow you apart.
[launcher cocks]
Yeah, crush their stupid faces.
[Batarang whizzing]
[Mr. Freeze screams, thuds]
[screaming and thudding
continues]
[splashing]
Uh-oh. Hit me, Damian!
Careful. Don't poke
your eye out.
[laughs]
A Merry Christmas
to me and to you,
a dark night.
[laughs] You missed!
That's kind of the point.
Oh. Oh, right,
they're Batarangs.
[groaning]
["Silent Night" playing]
[sirens wailing]
[distorted groaning]
[distorted laughing]
[distorted] Merry Christmas.
- [grunts]
- [villains] Ooh.
[both] Oh.
[both]
Da-na-na-na-na-na
[groaning]
How many times
is he gonna fall in that junk?
Seriously, he should keep
a snorkel in his suit pocket.
[Damian laughs]
[Batman] Ready to go home
for Christmas?
[Damian] Actually, Dad,
we have one last mission.
[sirens wailing faintly]
[clangs]
[Damian] Merry Christmas!
- [man] Look, it's Batman!
- [woman] Batman!
- All right.
- Hey, it's our stuff.
My drum set!
A one, and a two,
and a joy to you.
All right, everyone.
Christmas is back on.
[all grunt]
[marching band playing "Deck
The Halls With Boughs Of Holly"]
[Damian laughing]
[man] Look, it's our presents.
- Christmas is saved.
- [woman] Oh, wonderful.
[Alfred laughing]
[laughs] Go long.
[children laughing]
[all cheering]
Merry Christmas, Gotham City.
[yelps]
[slurps]
That would seem to be
all the presents, young sir.
Nope. Still one left.
What's that?
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
- [laughs]
I owed you a hug.
Best Christmas gift ever.
Hm, the price was right.
- [cat meows]
- I beg your pardon, sirs,
but by any chance,
is there room for an old Englishman
and a tabby in that embrace?
There always is.
Merry Christmas, guys.
[Damian sighs]
Damian, what's wrong?
I know it sounds silly, but
I kind of feel bad for Joker.
Feel bad for Joker?
[laughs] That sounds insane.
I mean, he just hit me in
the head with a mallet,
like an hour ago.
I know.
But all he wanted for
Christmas was to not be alone.
My head still hurts, Damian.
- I mean, that mallet was like this big.
- [Selina meows]
You know, Dad, you both say
that you're sworn enemies.
- [Selina purring]
- But deep down,
I think you and Joker
really like each other.
Damian, he's a supervillain.
Mom's a supervillain.
Mom's... complicated.
A complicated supervillain.
[Alfred and Damian laugh]
Hey, don't you start.
Also, I hate the Joker.
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
[chuckles]
Sorry, it's the only Christmas
song I know the words to.
Well, "smells" does
rhyme with "bells."
I quite like that song.
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
[together]
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile
Lost its wheel
And the Joker Had a nice
dinner With all of his friends
I'm not your friend.
["Just Another Christmas Song"
playing]
Uh... just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
Uh... Just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I'm dreaming of
A white Christmas
With jingle bells
In the sky
Do you see what I see?
[vocalizing]
Christmas tree
It's the same old song
But I'll sing along -
Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I'm gonna sing along -
Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
- Just another little song
- Just another Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
I said
I think I'll sing along
Just another
Christmas song
But this time
I'll sing along
[vocalizing]
This time I'll sing along
But this time
I'll sing along
[children]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Bat-Dad]
Merry Christmas, guys.