Merv (2025) Movie Script

1
Get off your sled and go to bed
Don't you ever tire?
Throw a bone, I'm finally home
curled up by the fire
Snow is falling from the sky
like ashes from an urn
Sweet dreams, my little one
Now it's my turn
Well, Christmas is going to the dogs
We'd rather have chew toys
than Yule logs
And things aren't looking
very good, it's true
So I'll just lay here and chew
Now, when I sleep, I like to dream
- of rabbits in the snow
- Merry Christmas.
Jumping right into my jaws
- from their rabbit hole
- Hi!
Take one home and set him down
right next to your shoes
Wake up to a big surprise
My gift to you
And Christmas is going to the dogs
We'd rather have chew toys
than Yule logs
And things aren't looking
very good, it's true
So I'll just lay here and chew
And Christmas is going to the dogs
We're scarfing down the turkey...
Let's take a look
at the holiday forecast.
Eleven and a half inches
hit Downtown Boston last night.
Looks like it's going to be
a very white Christmas.
Better gas up those snowblowers
because there's more on the way.
So I'll just stay here and chew
Ugh.
Come on, help me out here, Merv.
Wh-Where's your other bootie?
Fine. We'll just MacGyver it.
Merv, come on.
Come on, bud, please.
I know, Merv.
It sucks for me, too, okay?
All right, buddy. In you go.
Merv, go on.
I'll see you next week.
I love you, bud.
Go on. Good boy.
Hi, Mervy. Hi, buddy.
Good boy.
Stay.
Yeah. Hi, buddy.
I missed you.
Ugh.
Worst MacGyver ever.
Let's get you fixed up, okay?
Come on.
How's that feel?
Yeah.
That feel... feel nice?
Okay, Merv.
I have something to tell you.
Look at me.
The thing is...
me and Russ...
Oh, no.
He's not here.
And he's not gonna be.
I miss him, too, but it was too hard.
I know it's hard, buddy.
You're gonna be okay.
All right.
High five. Yeah.
You and me belong together
like cold iced tea and warmer weather
Where we lay out late
underneath the pines
and we still have fun
when the sun won't shine
You and me belong together
all the time
He's the best one.
And he's coming home with us.
Whoa-oh-oh
Oh.
Christmassy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Too much?
Uh, I'm pretty certain
people like holiday spirit.
On your bed.
On your bed.
Aw.
- What's up with him?
- I don't know.
He's just been so tired lately.
You're okay, right, buddy?
Plus, I got him some new snacks.
Oh, no. Not the snacks.
Please tell me they aren't
the dried bull penis things again.
They're his favorite.
Plus the pig snouts
and the dried sardines,
which make his coat all nice and shiny.
Okay, it's no wonder you're not dating,
because you're literally just
walking around
with dried fish in your purse.
I'm not dating because
I don't want to date.
Okay, come on. It's been six months.
And... you're lonely.
- I'm not.
- Yeah.
No. Just 'cause I'm single
doesn't mean I'm lonely.
Don't be that girl.
Okay, but I am that girl, and you won't be
when you meet the stud
that is "Mr. Lover Lover 101,"
who might have just sent you
a winky emoji on Hinge.
I'm not on Hinge.
That's what you think. I signed you up.
You're welcome. No, it's too late.
Plus, you better get in there
because Mrs. Mabachas is waiting.
You left Mrs. Mabachas alone in my room?
You're welcome.
My ta Gabriela, my ta Juliana,
my ta Francisca, my ta Adriana
and my other ta Adriana.
My ta Sofia, my ta Daniela
and my ta Gloria.
Is that everyone, Bonnie?
- Oh. And me, Bonnie.
- Great. Well done.
Okay, big hand for Bonnie, guys.
It's a real aunt farm you have there.
Well done, everyone.
I learned so much about your families.
- Yes, Shauna.
- Where's your family tree?
Mine?
Oh, I didn't... I didn't do one.
Aw.
All right, all right.
Well, it's not very interesting,
but very quickly...
Granny Jess, Grandpa Michael,
Grandpa Matt, Granny Amy.
They had my dad Jack.
And they had my mom MJ.
And they had me, Mr. Owens.
Oh, and, uh, who's that?
- Merv.
- Exactly.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- So, what--
That's it?
Don't you have a wife or something?
A wife?
Um...
no, I guess I don't.
My cousin says you're dating
her eye doctor.
Well, I'm not sure how your cousin
would know that.
She has glaucoma.
Oh, right. Sorry.
- So, are you dating her or what?
- No, I'm not dating her.
I was, um, but I'm not anymore.
- Why not?
- Anyway...
Well, now, Shauna,
that's one of those personal questions
we talked about, remember?
Did she run off with your best friend?
That happened to my ta Juliana.
Nope, she didn't run off
with my best friend.
Let's--
Is it because you still like dinosaurs?
No, it's not 'cause I still like dinos--
What--
Excuse me, dinosaurs are educational,
they are cool,
and it's not because
I still like dinosaurs.
Are there any more questions?
Don't you want any kids?
- Mr. Owens?
- Are you too old to have kids?
Let's just do some
independent reading, shall we?
So tell me if this is better...
one or better two?
- They're both blurry.
- Okay.
How about now?
Neither one.
Mrs. Mabachas.
- Mm-hmm?
- You have my stapler
and my snowman pen in your bag.
Mrs. Mabachas.
How was Norway?
- What?
- You were telling me
that you and your boyfriend,
you were planning that vacation.
- Yeah, we didn't end up going.
- Oh, honey, that is too bad.
He was so good-looking.
Those nice, shapely cheekbones
and those plump, luscious lips.
Uh-huh.
That's very sweet,
but how did you know that?
Well, 'cause you used to have that, uh...
that nice picture frame on your desk.
You know, the one with
the really pretty frame.
Do you want it back?
You can have it.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, are you okay? I mean, you look sad.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
but you can barely see.
I don't need to see it, honey.
I can feel it.
Oh!
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
Hey. What--
What are you up to? You okay?
Oh, nothing. Just a little stress relief.
Uh, Rebekah and I are taking the twins
to see, uh, Disney on Ice again.
Oh, cool. That sounds fun.
Not when it's your third time seeing it!
Well, maybe, uh,
do you want to grab a beer first?
Don't tempt me.
However, I do know someone
who would love to get a beer with you.
Oh, don't.
I'm not calling your mortgage broker.
Come on, man.
Bren got us a great rate.
Plus, might be good for you.
Why? Why would it be good for me?
Maybe because you've been
a miserable drip lately.
No, I haven't.
You didn't come to the game with me. Hmm?
And you didn't come for birthday pizza.
Look, man, I know this time
hasn't been easy for you,
but I think it's about time you started
hanging out with other people.
I do hang out with other people.
Those nine-year-olds in there
do not count.
Well, I appreciate your concern.
I'm just...
really enjoying
being by myself right now.
Oh, really? On Christmas?
It's not Christmas.
And B: I have Merv.
The dog?
Don't go back to being that guy.
What guy?
The No Guy.
- The No Guy?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, and then you and her got together
and she started being like,
"Hey, you want to do stuff?"
And you were like, "Mm-kay."
Then boom!
You eating sushi and flying to Greenland.
- Iceland.
- Whatever.
You said yes to everything.
And now look at you, man.
The No Guy.
- No.
- That's you.
No.
I am not a No Guy.
- Oh, okay. Okay. Call Bren.
- No.
- Ah!
- No!
That's a cheap trick.
Hey, hey. The candy budget's getting low.
You don't even need that much.
The chocolate gonna kill the dog.
Enjoy Disney on Ice.
Russ! Don't be throwing chocolate at me.
You know I was-- Oh! Oh, okay.
Oh.
You didn't... have to do that.
Did I not do it right?
No, I just, um...
I like to butter my own bread.
Is that a control issue thing?
- No, I just like--
- Like to be in control.
No, I just like to manage
my own bread.
- The red?
- Right here.
"Mer-lot." It's my favorite.
- And a spicy margarita.
- Thank you.
Be careful. It's hot.
Not too hot for a little lady, I hope.
You just worry
about yourself, Mr. Mer-lot.
Too hot?
No, it tastes delicious.
So, your profile said that you recently
got out of a long-term relationship.
Uh, yep, I did.
Do you still have feelings for him?
No. Why would I-- No, no.
We're just two people who share a dog.
You share a dog?
That's... that's a red flag.
Okay, my turn to ask a question.
Shoot. They call me Ken-do, by the way.
Okay. Ken-don't interrupt me
while I'm asking this important question.
Your house is on fire.
Oh, I don't have a house.
I have a condo.
With two parking spots, by the way.
Tandem.
Okay, you're in your condo.
It's burning down.
You've saved all your pets,
your loved ones,
but you can only save one more thing.
What is it?
Easy. My safe.
Oh. You have a safe?
Doesn't everybody?
- I don't.
- You should totally.
Seriously, I keep
all my valuables in there.
My will, my passport, my gun. It--
Um... this has been nice.
I agree.
So, uh, what are you thinking?
Should we split a few appetizers,
or do you want to just
go straight to dessert?
Mm. I think, uh...
I think I'm good with bread.
Hi, Mervy.
Where are you?
I could really use a cuddle right now.
Merv?
Merv.
Are you okay?
Mervy.
What's wrong, bud?
- You didn't have to come.
- Yeah, I know.
I would've kept you in the loop.
I would prefer to hear what the vet
has to say firsthand, thank you.
Russ and Anna for Merv.
Dr. Bankert's ready to see you.
Okay.
What's up, Merv?
Hi, Mervy.
Oh, there he is.
Hi, buddy.
- Were you a good boy? Mm.
- Are you feeling better?
- Come here, buddy.
- Come here. Come on. Mm.
- Good boy. We were so worried about you.
- Yeah, we missed you.
- We missed you.
- Aw, buddy.
Aw. How's he doing? Is he doing okay?
- He seems okay.
- Yes. Vitals are fine.
Eyes are clear. Breathing is normal.
From where I'm standing,
he is a pretty healthy pup.
Thank goodness.
I don't get it, 'cause he was, like,
- flat out on the floor when I got home.
- Yeah.
He wouldn't even
perk up for a treat.
Have you ever seen him like that before?
He hasn't been himself lately.
No, he hasn't.
He's been, like, mopey all the time.
It's so unlike him.
Plus, he loves Christmas.
It sounds dramatic,
but it's his favorite holiday.
He loves it.
Yeah, it just, uh,
doesn't make sense, you know.
Unless, have you been taking him running?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, he loves running.
Don't you, buddy?
He only has little legs,
and you take him on those long
Neanderthal man runs.
I mean, nobody needs to run
ten miles, right?
- Are you saying this is my fault?
- No.
I'm just saying sometimes you overdo it.
Overdo it?
We haven't been overdoing it.
I mean, I don't know, maybe perhap--
Have you not been walking him enough?
Merv and I have a very busy schedule.
Well, maybe he doesn't love
to have a busy schedule.
Maybe he likes a little bit more chill.
- Maybe you give him too much chill.
- I--
Or maybe,
I don't know, maybe it could be that weird
blue sludge you insist on feeding him.
The blue sludge?
You mean the superfood supplement...
- Right, yeah.
- ...that our veterinarian said
- I was going above and beyond for?
- Yeah.
Yeah, but it might be bringing him down,
you know.
It'd certainly bum me out
if I was made to eat blue food.
So you two broke up?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, we did.
Oh. Didn't see that one coming.
I usually do with my patients.
You seemed so...
Never mind.
- So, what's wrong with him?
- Yeah.
Well, judging from
my clinical observations,
I believe Merv is sad.
- Sad?
- What?
He's suffering from depression.
Why would he be depressed?
Yeah, no, no.
Merv is crushing life, okay?
Dogs are very sensitive to anything
that throws their routine.
You know, like a breakup.
You think Merv is depressed
because we broke up?
So, how can we help?
Well, you can try giving him
extra love and attention.
And if that doesn't work,
there's always Xanax.
Xanax?
- Like "Xanax" Xanax?
- Oh, my God.
What he's going through is dangerous.
The imbalance, anxiety.
It's bad for his heart.
His heart? His little heart?
We'll give it two weeks.
If he doesn't show signs
of improvement then,
we'll have to medicate.
- I want to pet him.
- You guys can pet him if you want.
Hi, Merv.
Just have to be
really gentle with him, okay?
Why? What's wrong with him?
Well, he's-he's just feeling a bit sad.
- That's all.
- Oh.
- Aw. Why is he so sad?
- Hi, Merv.
Oh, God.
All right, buddy.
I think you're gonna love this.
Ready?
Oh...
Don't start with me, Merv.
A dog's got to pee. Come on.
Warm places for dogs.
"Gourmet hot dogs." No.
"Sunnyside Dog Beach."
This is it. "Sunnyside Dog Beach.
The ultimate pet holiday paradise."
Oh, look. A dog hotel.
The Paw Seasons.
Merv.
This is it. There's a dog beach.
There's a beach for dogs.
High five. We're going, buddy.
We are going.
Hi.
Uh, hi.
- What--
- Is this a bad time?
Yeah, it's not a good time.
Oh, hi, Merv. I brought you a treat.
She's not coming in.
Merv, she's-- Back you go.
- Merv, I brought you a treat.
- Anna, what--
Ma, I got to go.
Okay. Bye.
Oh, my-- Wow.
"Wow," what?
I just... Oh, my God.
What? "Oh, my God," what?
- Did you get burglarized?
- Actually, I did.
Yeah, it was really traumatic.
Listen, I thought we said we weren't
gonna do unannounced visits.
Oh. Yes.
I'm so sorry.
We did say that. Um...
I was reading a lot about
depression.
And, um, I just... I just made, like,
a little superfood mix
that should help, like, alleviate
some symptoms of ennui, sadness.
And it's not just for dogs.
Um, humans can have it, too.
Actually, I just ate a bowl of dirt,
so I should be all right.
I'll put this in the fridge.
No, um, I'll put it in the fridge.
Thank you.
So, um, if you could just put half a cup
on his kibble, that would be great.
Are you taking him somewhere?
No. What?
Our dog. Are you taking him somewhere?
Yeah, actually, as it happens,
I'm going on a boys' trip.
- Boys' trip? Where?
- To a dog beach.
In Florida.
You can't take him to Florida.
He hates beaches.
No, you hate beaches. He's actually never
been to a beach 'cause you wouldn't go.
And no offense, Anna, but it's kind of
none of your business
what I do on my week.
Oh. Well, actually it is
when it concerns our dog's mental health
and he's just been diagnosed
with depression.
Well, I spoke to the vet,
and she said he's fit to fly, so--
- You're taking him on a plane?
- Yeah. I'm not driving.
It's 18 hours.
Flying is super stressful.
It's lucky he's taking
his emotional support human.
He needs stability right now,
not crazy people
with banana boats and blow-up flamingos.
- Surely, you can understand that.
- Yeah, I can understand that, Anna.
What I also understand is
our dog hates the cold
and nothing I do seems
to even remotely cheer him up,
so I thought I'd take him to this beach
that's just for dogs,
and he can frolic around in the sea
and eat dogsicles
and get a suntan, I don't know,
and maybe find his lust for life again.
Surely, you can understand that.
When you put it that way, it-it...
sounds like a good idea.
Right? Thank you.
I've got this. I promise. All right.
Okay.
Oh, and listen.
Could you do me a favor
and maybe not mention this to Rebekah?
I kind of don't want Des to find out.
Are you pulling a Ferris Bueller?
No, I'm just taking some sick days.
Unofficially.
I just hope what they say
about Florida isn't true.
Okay. What is it they say about Florida?
You go on vacation,
come back on probation.
They don't say that
about Florida.
We'll see.
Merv.
Merv, what you think?
Oh, yes.
Check it out, Merv. Two beds.
Hey.
Which one do you want, buddy?
What do you think?
Hey. Shotgun, this one.
Huh?
Come on, Merv, check it out.
This is so cool.
Oh, look at the dolphin.
He's so smiley.
What you think?
Now, come get into bed.
Oh, come on, bud. Cheer up.
It's gonna be fun.
We got so many cool things to do.
And look. Look at your gift basket.
Let's have a look, shall we?
Oh, Frisbee.
You haven't played Frisbee before.
Get it.
Come on, bud.
We're gonna have so much fun.
Not gonna make this easy, are you, mate?
I think
somebody likes you.
Oh, no.
- He wrote me a poem.
- Read it, read it, read it. Go.
"Hey, Anna, I think you're so sweet,
just like these edible treats.
I hope you'll date me again,
be the Barbie to my Ken.
Love from Ken... do."
Aw. It rhymes and everything.
Okay, I like him.
He buttered my bread.
Yes! That is what I'm talking about!
No, he buttered my literal, actual bread.
- Like, literally?
- Yeah.
Well, that-that could be cute.
Nice shades.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Yes, mate.
- Nice boom box.
- Thanks, man.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
Merv, check this place out!
This is amazing.
Okay.
Hey, look over there! All right, buddy.
I'm going in.
You're coming with me. Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That is so cold.
Mer--
Merv, come on, bud.
Hi. Are you guys busy?
Twinkle, twinkle,
little star
How I wonder what you are
- Again! Again!
- No, no, no.
- Go to sleep! I love you, babies! Shh!
- No! No!
- Again!
- You know what?
Put the covers over your head
and count backwards from 100.
I love you. Shh! Shh, shh, shh.
Go to sleep. Close your eyes.
Shh.
I am so sorry.
No worries.
- It's totally fine.
- No, it's not.
This literally happens every time.
It's hardly surprising you never want
to come over anymore.
What?
You okay?
Yes. Yes.
I brought pinot noir.
Does that mean you're ready
to talk about it?
Mommy!
Oh, son of a...
If you don't go to sleep...
He's the best one.
And he's coming home with us.
You've reached
Burroughs Elementary.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Oh, yeah, uh, hi there.
It's, um... it's Russ Owens again.
I'm really sorry. I'm-I'm still
feeling rather grim.
Russ.
Oh, yeah, hi, Des.
Hey, bud. You sick?
Uh, yeah.
Like, really sick?
Yeah, like... like, uh...
Oh, that's not fun when you're sick.
- Swimming.
- Oh, poor buddy.
Y-You better be sick.
You better have a uncontrollable amount
of pimples all over your body,
'cause I expected you here today.
Hello? Yeah, uh, sorry,
you're cutting out.
I can't hear you very well.
Bye. Bye, Des.
Yeah?
High five?
Let's go. Let's party!
Doesn't look that hard, Merv.
I believe in you, bud.
Here we go. Are you ready?
Go get it!
No.
Buddy, it can't get-- Oh, no.
- Hi.
- Uh, what are you...
What are you doing here?
Hi.
You-you have to be kidding me.
I am fully aware of how unexpected
and unconventional my being here
might be for you.
Unexpected? Anna, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to help our dog.
When you sent that picture of him
looking so sad still, I felt awful.
This is because of us,
and if there's anything I can do
to help him feel better
before his little heart explodes,
I will do it.
Like what, cheering him up
with your mere presence?
He's probably freaked out you turned up
dressed like some weird lady spy.
First of all, lady spies are just spies,
in case you didn't get that memo.
And also, I'm dressed like this
'cause I'm allergic to the sun.
- Oh, here we go.
- You know that. I get hives...
- No, you don't. You don't.
- ...all over my body.
- You don't get hives. You get sunburnt.
- One full hive.
You get sunburnt.
I'm not here to argue.
- I'm just here to help our dog.
- Yeah. Me, too.
Which is why I organized
this really cool cheer-up trip.
And it didn't work.
We both know he's happiest
when we're all hanging out together.
We don't know that.
Look at him. We do.
So can we just put aside
- our crap for Merv?
- Oh, my God.
It's just a week. How hard can it be?
Well, you didn't really give me a choice,
did you, Anna,
so I guess we're gonna find out,
aren't we?
Okay. Come on!
One week all together! Fun! Vacation!
Where are you staying?
Um, the Paw Seasons. Have you heard of it?
- Yep.
- Yes!
Of course you are.
So fun!
Oh, how much, oh, how much
for the puppy in the window?
I can see him playing so alone
I believe he sees a friend in me
Oh, how much, oh, how much
for the puppy in the window?
How I love his little pink nose
I think he's waiting
to come home with me
Found my best friend
down the old dog pound
The old dog pound, the old dog pound
Puppies are forever
not just for Christmas
Puppies are forever
not just for Christmas
Puppies are forever
not just for Christmas...
- Who is it?
- It's me. Me.
- Yeah, hi. How can I help?
- Hi.
I was just wondering if maybe
Merv could stay in my room tonight.
Oh, no, sorry.
Sadly, he's just fallen asleep.
Oh, he's sleep-barking.
I don't think that's a thing.
Well, you probably woke him up.
You have a very loud voice.
Look, I know this wasn't what you wanted,
but do you have to make it so difficult?
Me? Me make it difficult?
Anna, you completely dive-bombed my trip,
and now you want to take him away
from me for the night.
You know, you really suck sometimes.
What?
Don't look at me like that.
Oh, God.
Hi. What?
- Hi.
- You okay?
Listen, I was just thinking y-you're
probably right, we should, um...
we should try and make this
a little less difficult, so, um...
he can stay here tonight.
Oh. Okay.
And why don't you, um,
pick tomorrow's activity?
- Really?
- Yeah, sure. Why not?
- Okay.
- Okay. In you go, bud.
And breathe in.
And downwards dog.
Try to feel connected
as you're breathing together.
Now cross your paws.
- Yeah.
- This next pose is gonna be
a little... little more challenging.
I like to call it the upwards dog. Upward.
Very good, everyone.
- Up. Up.
- Up. Up.
He did it.
Yes!
Endless summer...
Aw.
You're squinting.
So?
So, we lived together for years,
and you never let me check your eyes.
- What's that about?
- I'm squinting 'cause it's sunny.
All right. Have y'all decided?
Uh, yes.
May I have the, uh, lobster roll, please?
Side of pickles?
Yeah, actually.
Pickles. Thank you. Uh, and a side salad.
I would like the crab claws,
uh, with fries,
and, um, I will also have a side salad.
Okay. And for the pup?
Oh, right. Yeah, let's have a look.
What do you think, Merv?
What do you want, huh?
I brought his food, so, uh, he's fine.
He's good.
Okay. I'll be back with some waters.
What?
You're gonna make him eat super-gloop
while you tuck into a lobster roll?
It's better for him.
I mean, look, I admire your commitment
to his food-- I really do--
but for the first time in Merv's life,
he's in a restaurant with a menu
specifically for dogs.
Come on. Can we spoil him?
- You make a good point.
- Yes!
But he's having gloop later, okay?
We actually will have a mutt loaf, please.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Oh. I think maybe the...
uh, the turkey jerky?
- Woo-hoo!
- The dogs like that?
Um, and the, um...
diggity dog eggnog.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, buddy,
it's your lucky day.
- Any drinks for you two?
- Oh.
- No.
- It's Yappy Hour.
- No.
- No. Definitely not.
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who?
- Who let the dogs out?
- Oh.
- Who, who, who, who, who...
- Oh!
Don't...
don't try to distract me.
Who, who, who, who, who let the...
Oh! Three, two, one.
Well, the party was nice, the party...
That counts. That counts.
- Yippie-yi-yo
- And everybody having a ball
- Yippie-yi-yo
- Until the fellas started...
Oh, you're so lucky!
And the girls respond to the call
I heard a woman shout out
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who...
So, I'm gonna go for a swim.
- You?
- Yeah.
It's warm, right?
Oh, yeah. Like a bath.
Great.
So cold.
Lolly?
Lolly, heel.
Lolly, heel. Heel.
Lolly.
Sorry about that.
She usually doesn't
pay attention to other dogs.
Oh, that's all right.
He doesn't have many friends.
Probably flattered.
Hey, Lolly.
Hey, Merv, how's it going?
Yeah? Merv?
Wait.
Are you-- Is he-- Is he the Mervinator?
- Shut up.
- I follow you on Instagram.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Merv beating Usain Bolt,
that was my all-time favorite.
- Come on, are you serious?
- Yes.
Oh, my God, that's so...
That's really cool. I--
Well, I'm-I'm Jocelyn, by the way.
Russ.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Yeah. Likewise.
Yeah, it's, um...
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were here with somebody.
No. Oh, no, I'm not.
I mean, I-I am.
I just, uh... It's just my ex,
who I'm very broken up with.
Just... we're just hanging out as friends.
- Sorry.
- You guys are very modern.
Yeah.
That's one word for it.
What are you guys doing later?
Do you want to come
to a dog birthday party?
- A hundred percent.
- Yeah?
- Is it Lolly's?
- Oh, yeah!
Oh, my good-- Lolly!
I can't believe you didn't tell us.
Happy birthday.
Merv, what do you say?
Happy birthday to Lolly.
Cool. Well, it was, uh...
- Yeah.
- ...nice, nice meeting you guys.
- Who was that?
- Oh! Oh, my God.
- Who was that?
- What's with your face?
What? Sun-Sunblock? Sunblock?
Oh.
- Ah, yeah. No, you got it.
- Did I get it?
You got it, you got it. Yeah, it's gone.
- Yeah. Oh, no, it's just a tiny bit.
- Did I get it?
Right there. You got it. Stop. You got it.
Who was that?
Uh, that was, uh, Jocelyn.
She recognized Merv from his Instagram.
- Merv's on Instagram?
- Yeah. The Mervinator.
I set it up when... well...
Um, anyway, she invited us to
a party later for, uh, Lolly's birthday.
Who's Lolly?
Uh, Lolly's her dog.
Weird.
- What? What's weird?
- All of it. All of it.
Just, if Merv's on Instagram,
I'm worried about stalkers,
and she gave off those vibes-- no offense.
Who, Lolly or-or Jocelyn?
Whatever her name is. Th-The tall one.
Okay. Where are you going?
I'm getting ready.
- So we are going?
- Yes.
Okay, good.
Merv, we're going to a party!
What?
What are you laughing at?
Oh, nothing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is that new?
This? Yeah.
You look nice.
Thanks. So do you.
- Uh, yeah? Shall we? Let's do it.
- Yeah? Okay.
Let's go, Merv.
Boop, boop, yuh
Boop, boop
Boop, boop
Yeah
If you in here with your dog
- point your dog out
- Point your dog out
If you in here with your dog,
point your dog out
- Tell 'em, "That's my dog"
- If you in here with your dog
- point your dog out
- Yuh
If you in here with your dog,
sing it out loud
It's my dog birthday...
- Wow.
- I mean, this is...
Oh! Hi.
Hey. Hi.
Let's go, Merv.
You guys came!
Thank you so much for having us.
This is so cool.
Aw. I'm Jocelyn,
and this is Lolly, the birthday girl.
- Anna. Nice to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.
Jocelyn, this is insane.
Yeah, I know it's a bit much,
but I'm a party planner,
so it's basically advertising,
right?
Kangaroos jump around...
Sure?
- You giving up?
- No.
We use our imagination
to dance like the animals do
Dogs and cats...
Um, cute, uh, dog.
Oh, I can only say one thing,
and I said it.
Oh, uh, my wife is saying
that when our dog Talia
had her bark mitzvah, she had 150 guests.
Oh.
A-And I only had 60 at mine.
Uh, 52.
This is a dog treat.
Don't... don't eat it.
I should've just hired you
as the entertainment.
Hey, I'm a licensed
elementary school teacher.
You can't afford my rate.
Oh. So true.
Okay, I have to ask--
do you always go on vacation with your ex?
Yeah.
It's, um... it's Merv. We co-own him.
Okay.
I mean, I...
I co-own my little Gracey with my ex,
but you're not gonna see us on vacation.
The thing is Merv's depressed,
so we're, um...
we're kind of doing this cheer-up trip,
trying to help him out.
And he does-- he seems happiest
when we're together, so...
Well, I'm-I'm impressed that you guys
are-are friendly enough to do that.
Yeah, uh, kind of.
Yeah, my divorce wasn't fun.
Oh. You didn't get the fun divorce?
- No, I missed out on that one. Yeah.
- Interesting. Yeah.
Somewhere deep down, I-I always just knew
it was doomed from the start.
What about you?
Yeah, no, no, I...
think I'm the idiot who thought
it would last forever, so...
So pick your favorite animal...
- Ooh. Marshmallow bone.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
- Sorry. Don't worry about it.
- Oh, I--
So sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm...
I'm a little distracted right now.
- By my hat, 'cause it's so big. I know.
- Oh.
But there is a purpose to the fashion.
No, I meant your face I was distracted by.
- Oh.
- It-it's very...
very cute.
Um, I like your outfit.
What's your dog dressed as,
a cat stuck in a tree?
Uh, no, I, uh... I-I don't have a dog.
Oh.
Not gonna lie, kind of weird
'cause you're at a dog party.
Right. Um, I'm Jocelyn's brother. Yeah.
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah, and-and these are
my actual clothes.
- I just finished a shift.
- Oh, you're an actual sheriff.
Real-life sheriff, right?
Yeah, in the flesh. Yeah.
I couldn't miss Lolly's party.
- It means so much to Joss, so...
- Yeah.
So that's why I'm here. Yeah.
Well, I better not steal
any doggie bags, then.
Better not,
'cause I have handcuffs, and...
I could bring you down to the station.
My-my name's Tom.
- I'm Anna. Nice to meet--
- Hey, sweet cheeks. How's it going?
You just call me "sweet cheeks"?
- Got a pickle for you.
- I don't want that.
- You love pickles.
- I don't want it.
- It's a really good one. Just try it.
- It's not a pickle. It's a cornichon.
She loves pickles.
- Howdy, partner.
- I-I don't-- That's a cornichon.
Hi. Uh, excuse us.
Wait, I-I didn't realize you were
with someone. Are you with--
- I don't know him.
- You're with someone?
- No, I don't know him, um--
- You don't?
If you could just give him
a speeding ticket or something,
I-I'd appreciate it.
This is weird. I'm gonna go.
Um, lovely to meet you.
Yeah. You, too.
Nice to meet--
Don't make fun of-- Stop.
Um, okay.
Bye.
- Why would you do that?
- Do what?
I thought...
I thought he was bothering you.
Bothering me? By giving me compliments?
- He did--
- In a uniform?
Really? What compliments?
He said he liked my face
and that I'm cute.
He said he liked your face?
Mm, that's a little creepy.
- Why is that creepy?
- You don't think that's creepy?
Look, you act this way
when you're threatened.
- Are you jealous?
- What? No.
No.
Of him? No.
No.
- Hi, you two.
- Hi.
There's someone I want you to meet.
- Cool.
- Okay.
I'm Gaia.
Oh, look at you.
- It's so wonderful to meet you.
- Oh.
- Come here. Aw.
- Uh, Gaia here is the best
- animal healer in the business.
- I am.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Animal healer?
- Wow, what an interesting line of work.
And Jocelyn told me all about
your darling Merv and his...
trouble.
Why are we whispering?
'Cause they're all listening.
Everyone's listening. See?
Hi, everyone.
I want to help you, and I want to do it
right here, right now, free of charge.
- Oh, that's so nice. I think we're good.
- We would absolutely love that.
I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
- We should do this.
- Yeah.
And there is nothing--
absolutely nothing-- to be afraid of.
Flick away the sorrow. Flick, flick.
I'm getting a strong sense that Merv
has something he wants
to communicate with us.
Stay open.
Everybody, open up. Open, open, open.
This could be a window into his trauma.
I need a moment to prepare, please.
It's okay. You can talk.
What's he saying?
"Hello, everybody."
Oh, Merv's a Victorian street urchin.
"I feel a real joie de vivre today."
Pretty sure "joie de vivre"
is-is not in his vocabulary.
"I love being with you both,
and I'm filled with gratitude
for all the love
that you've shown me over the years."
Oh, buddy, that's so lovely.
Yeah, we love you, too.
"You're amazing parents, but..."
But what?
"I'm worried about you."
Worried how?
"Well, emotionally.
I took it very hard-- the sadness
and crying and anger."
Okay. She knows we broke up.
This is how they do it
on all the psychic shows.
"And I took it very hard
when Russ moved out
of the condo that we shared
on 14th Street."
- That was specific.
- Uh, come on.
Like, how would she know that?
"I can still feel this deep love
that you have for each other."
Okay, the vet already told us
this is our fault,
- so we're done here.
- Wait.
He would do anything to fix things
between the two of you.
There's nothing to fix.
We didn't exactly leave
on good terms, did we?
Will you excuse us for a minute?
- Come on. Hey.
- Ow.
Not on good terms?
That's how breakups work.
Yeah, I-I understand that, Anna. I--
To be honest,
I don't really even understand
why we broke up.
I mean, I'd just proposed to you.
That was a Band-Aid, and you know it.
It wasn't a Band-Aid.
You can't just propose to somebody
and then magically make everything better.
- You never wanted to talk about it.
- Yes, I did.
- Then why didn't you?
- I did.
And we didn't have to throw in the towel.
We could've still had
a nice life together.
Let it out.
Let it out, let it out.
Hey. Hey. Are you kidding me right now?
You can't just earwig in
on a conversation, let alone chime in.
And you know what I find
most offensive about you?
Your weird British accent
when everybody knows Merv is French.
Allons-y, Merv.
Allons-y.
Hi. Is everything okay?
Oh, yes. We made wonderful progress.
Let's just get all that out.
I should probably go. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
So you're-you're... you're leaving, then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay. Makes sense.
What's that's supposed to mean?
It just wouldn't be the first time,
that's all, bailing when things get tough.
I'm not doing this.
This was a stupid idea.
- I'm going back.
- I'll see you back at the hotel.
No, I-I'm not going back to the hotel.
I'm going home.
- What?
- Back to Boston.
Wait a second, Anna.
What happened to team cheer-up?
Doing anything for Merv?
Putting our differences aside
for the week?
If you and I were a band,
we'd be called The Mistakes.
Merv doesn't want you to leave.
He told me.
He told you?
Something about you bringing back
his "joie division."
Hey. Morning.
So, um, remember how much
Merv loves my folks?
And they're literally just up the coast,
and I kind of promised them that
we'd go and see them for a little bit.
Okay. You just got me to stay,
and now you casually float out there,
"Let's go see my parents," who hate me.
They don't hate you.
And isn't the whole point that we spend
some time together for Merv?
Plus, my mom really wants to see you.
Oh, no. No, she doesn't.
She's blocked me on all the apps,
which is fine
because her posts have become
really problematic lately,
- but it's true.
- Yeah.
She's just being protective
of her only son.
I get it...
but my answer is no, I'm not going,
and I'm firm on that.
Okay, so...
we are in and out of there, okay?
- Two hours, max, I promise.
- Okay.
So, how's your dad?
Yeah, I think he's okay, actually.
The sun's certainly helping.
- And the pickleball.
- Oh. Does he play?
Oh, no. No, he-he just watches.
- Oh, he's just a fan?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh. Oh, looks like, um,
"Lover Not a Fighter 83"
just sent you a rose.
Don't read my messages.
I'm sorry. I didn't. It pinged.
It was right there.
Wow. So you're doing the whole,
uh, dating app thing.
It's a little surprising.
Why?
- Huh?
- You should try it. It's fun.
So go on, who have you been meeting
on the... on the app?
Oh, all sorts of people. I mean, I, um...
I went on a date with a poet.
Cool. Is he broke?
Uh, no, he's very rich.
Nice. That's cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- What kind of poetry does he write?
Verses, sonnets, um...
- He's really good at rhyming things.
- Sonnets?
How old is he?
A hundred and fifty.
It's actually really exhausting
kind of like keeping up with
all the messages from...
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- ...gentleman callers.
Well, maybe you need a more
kind of robust vetting process, maybe.
- Oh, I have one.
- Oh, you do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just ask the same question.
Yeah?
It's, um...
Okay. So your house is on fire
and you can only take one thing--
what is it?
- You've already saved humans and pets.
- It's a great question.
- Thank you.
- What do they say?
He said he would take his, uh, safe.
The poet has a safe?
- Yeah.
- What-- For what?
Like, quills and stuff?
Yeah, quills, for sure.
Parchment and stuff.
All right, then what about you?
What would you save?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
- Oh, I do know.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- You definitely don't.
- I bet you I do.
- Mm-mm.
- Your acoustic guitar.
My dad made it with his own hands.
You've never actually played it.
I know, but I could do.
You might want to get on with it.
What would you save?
Nothing.
- That's not an answer. No.
- Yeah, it is. Sure, it is.
Yeah, it's my list, and I-I say nothing.
- So you'd just let it all burn?
- Yeah, I would.
I think if you're gonna lose
everything anyway,
you might as well make a fresh start.
Hi, Mom.
Oh! Look who's here.
Oh.
Let's go. Go.
Oh.
Aw. Mm.
- You look so nice.
- Oh, no.
Hi, MJ.
Come on in.
Thought you said
that she wanted to see me.
I said that?
Are his feet clean?
Yes, Mom, his feet are clean.
Can you go easy on him?
- He's having a rough time at the moment.
- Oh, I forgot.
Dog depression. Yeah.
Hey. How are you?
- Okay. He doesn't look depressed.
- Okay.
Uh, where's Dad?
He's in the back cremating the chicken.
- Oh, I'm gonna surprise him.
- Yeah. All right.
I'm on the drinks, so...
I can help with that.
Uh-huh. There he is.
- How's it going, Dad?
- Oh, it's good.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Yeah. You, too.
- How was traffic?
- Yeah, pretty smooth.
- Yeah?
- Don't get up. It's all right.
No, no. I need a proper hug, please.
Oh, now...
- So good to see you.
- Yeah. You, too.
- You look well. You look really well.
- Oh. Thanks.
Not as good as you, but...
Oh, look who it is.
I've got a treat for you, mister.
- Oh, lucky boy.
- Look at that.
Lucky boy.
He looks happy.
It's so nice here.
So many decorative mailboxes.
You two must love it.
Nope. Not really.
That's too bad.
Well, I preferred our place
in Arizona, but...
too many stairs for Jack
after his heart attack, so...
Oh, they're big.
Oh, no stress.
I can just cut them smaller.
Your hair.
- You did something different.
- Yeah. I cut bangs.
- Do you like it?
- I liked it before.
Yeah, I guess I just, um, needed a change.
Yeah. Apparently.
Gin-coming.
Oh!
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
- Should I take it?
Oh, thank you.
Just so you know, this is medicinal.
- Cheers.
- Oh, yeah. That old chestnut.
Ah...
- Cheers, Mom.
- Cardiologist approved.
Mmm.
Oh, that's good.
- It's great to have you back.
- Yeah.
Oh. MJ.
Hi.
MJ. Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm-- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what? This is my fault.
I should not have come.
Russ just said that--
Oh, screw Russ!
What?
Look, I lost something
in all of this, too.
I-I miss you, I mean, a lot.
I miss you, too, so much.
So much.
Thanksgiving was so depressing
without you.
I mean, those two bozos, they barely talk,
and when they do, it's traffic
or weather or what's for lunch.
It is like being with two cavemen.
I miss our talks so much.
Me, too! Oh, me, too.
- And you know what?
- What?
- Your bangs are so cute.
- Thank you.
- I mean, they're fantastic.
- Thank you.
I just said that to be mean. I'm sorry.
- It's okay. I know. I know you did.
- Okay?
But thank you for saying that.
- Okay.
- I just have one thing to say.
- Mm-hmm? Yes?
- If you're gonna unblock me,
can we talk about some of the stuff
you've been posting?
Oh, you're gonna hate what I just said.
Every day, Mr. De Lorenzo gets out
his power washer,
and he's power-washing the fence
and he's power-washing,
like, his lounge chairs.
Any random piece of crap
that he can get, power-washes.
Well, why don't you just
say something to him?
Oh, oh, she's said plenty.
If it ever gets so bad
that I am power-washing
all our furniture to pass the time,
just put me in the street.
Put my body out there, let the birds
pluck my eyes out like Tippi Hedren.
I'm begging you.
So, Anna, I forgot to tell you, you're in
the room across from the bathroom.
Oh, no, Mom,
we're gonna drive back out tonight.
- No.
- Over our dead bodies, you are.
Come on, Dad. You know Mom
doesn't want Merv staying here.
People change.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you. That would be really nice.
Okay! Oh, good.
We can do movie night.
It will be just like old times.
Mm. We get to pick, though.
- You're definitely not picking.
- Yeah, we'll pick.
- Okay. Don't you always pick?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, and it's the same movie every time.
- Uh...
- 'Cause you never make it through.
- Ealing Studios?
You never make it through a movie.
They usually make it
through at least half.
You want to get out of here?
And miss the end of this corny movie?
I've seen it. The dog dies.
- What?! No.
- I'm joking.
Oh, my God.
Who would do that?
Stay.
We'll be right back.
- Stay.
- Good boy.
Thank God they left.
I didn't think they'd ever go.
Want to give me another heart attack?
Ooh, golf cart.
- Yeah, go. Go.
- Don't mind if I do.
Yeah.
Evening, Mr. De Lorenzo.
Driveway's looking sharp.
Woo-hoo!
- Whoa!
- Oh, oh, God.
- Going really crazy!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Back up, back up.
Whoa. Corner.
Whoa!
Buenas noches, Rancho El Dorado.
Y'all ready for another edition
of Salsa Night Fever?
Is it just me, or are there
a lot of slutty seniors here?
I mean, no judgment
'cause if you're over 80,
you deserve to get your freak on.
I agree.
This one lady, like,
I think she wants to dance with you.
No, she doesn't.
- She does.
- Hi.
- Dance with me, wild boy.
- Oh!
Oh!
No, thank you.
- She won't mind.
- Yeah, I don't mind.
Yeah, yeah, you go, uh, shake it,
shake his groove thing.
Whoo!
Ah!
Oh!
Yeah.
Okay. Thank you.
La msica est en m.
What?
When did you learn to salsa?
So, uh, remember those classes
my parents got us for Christmas?
Yeah. We only went to one.
You went to one.
You're looking at a level three
salsa maestro, baby.
My God, I can't believe you kept going.
Turns out they have a really strict
return policy, so...
So, what, did you just say we broke up?
God, no. Way too embarrassing.
I told them you got meningitis.
- What?
- Yeah.
At an optometry conference.
It was pretty severe, actually.
You were hospitalized and everything.
You killed me?
No, no, I'm not a monster.
You're in a coma.
But with a bit of luck,
you'll wake up any day.
Okay, I have a confession to make.
Don't feel too bad, because
I told the guy at the smoothie place
you joined a cult,
and I told the lady at the dry cleaner
that you're in, uh, prison for tax fraud.
- Oh, yeah? Sounds like me.
- Yeah.
What?
- Oh, this?
- Please.
- This song?
- Come on.
- No. No.
- Please.
Just one. Come on, please.
My hips don't move like that.
Uh, I know they do.
Ooh!
Hips.
Yeah.
Am I doing okay?
Yes.
Ah.
Oh!
Okay.
Oh.
Go long.
I'm gonna do Dirty Dancing.
- What?
- Dirty Dancing.
- Really? Are you sure?
- Go. Go.
Yeah. I'm gonna do it.
Oh, my God!
Russ!
Oh, yeah, yeah! Russ, I'm--
- Whoo!
- I'm going--
- Whoo!
- Oh, oh!
- You want some?
- I've had enough.
Up.
No.
That was pretty good.
Hey.
I'm really glad you came.
Yeah, it was so nice to see your parents.
I-I meant the whole trip.
Oh.
Yeah, 'cause, like,
it's just nice to chat, you know.
So many times where I wanted
to tell you stuff and-and... couldn't.
Like what?
Okay, so remember, um...
do you remember my gym,
the guy who works out in jeans?
- Jeans guy. I love jeans guy.
- Jeans guy.
- So he got a pair shorts.
- No.
And I finally took your advice
and, uh, cut down on dairy.
Yeah.
I think it turns out you're right--
I do snore less.
I told you.
At least I think I do.
- Nice.
- Also...
I wanted to tell you that I didn't, um,
propose to you because I wanted
to smooth things over.
I proposed to you 'cause I loved you
and I wanted to spend my life with you.
Yeah. Hi. It's-it's Russ Owens.
Um, I'm-I'm afraid I'm not
gonna make it in again today.
Um, I think...
I think I might actually have strep now.
Um...
It's kind of hard to talk...
...and breathe.
Ah, yeah, that's-that's very tender.
Um, I'll, uh... I'll-I'll stay in touch.
Okay. Bye.
You know you can't leave this place
empty-handed, right?
Any minute now, she's gonna come back
with a box of homemade nut scrunchie.
Leftover potato salad.
Even better.
Listen.
Don't leave it too long
next time, will you?
- Yeah.
- I'm just saying, you know,
life's too short, and I might get
taken out by a stray pickleball.
- You never know.
- Dad.
Love you.
- I love you.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Oh.
- Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
- Yes, I'm checking luggage.
- There you go.
Do not open that on the way home.
- I know you.
- Thanks, Mom.
Oh, and here's a little something
for Merv.
- Oh, thank you.
- Happy holidays, you mangy little thing.
Anna.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
You, too.
You know, I am really glad you that came.
Me, too.
Well, I hope you-you find
somebody wonderful
to spend the rest of your life with.
And I'm...
I'm just sorry it wasn't Russ.
You okay?
- Yeah. You?
- Yeah.
No way.
Do you remember that?
Do I remember it?
- Um...
- Just checking.
Chickity China,
the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick
and your brain stops tickin'
Watching X-Files with no lights on,
we're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford,
I'm getting frantic
Like Sting, I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurosawa, I make mad films
'Kay, I don't make films,
but if I did, they'd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs,
gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
just so my irons aren't always
flying off the backswing
- Gonna get in tune with Sailor Moon
- Yes!
'cause that cartoon has got
the boom anime babes
that make me think the wrong thing
How can I help it if I think
you're funny when you're mad?
Trying hard not to smile,
though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy
who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean,
but you soon will
I have a tendency to wear
my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt
It's been one week
since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to the sides
and said, "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you
and said, "You just did just what
I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame,
but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
'cause it'll still be two days
till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days
till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days
till we say "wasabi"
Birchmount Stadium
home of the Robbie
I think I might just chill
in my room for a bit.
Okay. I'll do the same.
You cool if he comes with me?
Course.
- Okay. I'll see you later.
- Okay. Bye.
Merv, let's go.
Hey.
Um, do you want to get dinner later?
I saw a cute-looking Chinese place
on the corner.
- We could get takeout.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hello?
- Hi. Hi.
Um, okay.
Um, long story short,
I think I still have feelings for Russ,
and, uh, I just need you to, um,
tell me I'm crazy
and-and-and tell me to stop thinking
about him, like, right now.
I'm sorry. I can't do that.
- What? Why?
- Because...
you're perfect together.
I shouldn't have called you.
Look, Anna.
Clearly, you won't open up for me.
And don't think I don't know why.
What are you talking about?
You've been avoiding me 'cause
it's hard for you to be around kids.
No, that's... that's not...
that's not true...
Yes, it is,
and it's okay.
I love you, and I know this sucks
and that it's painful
and that I can't imagine what it must
feel like to find out you can't have kids
when I know how much
that's what you wanted.
But I also know in my soul
that Russ was good for you.
And you could still have
a great life together.
Don't you think?
Anna?
Hello, Merv.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How's it going?
Oh.
Thank you.
- Yay.
- Ta-da!
Been looking everywhere for this.
Aw.
I asked him where he left it,
but he couldn't quite remember.
Oh, I get it. It was a blowout.
- Yeah. Too many bark-aritas, probably.
- Chaos.
Hi, Lols.
Oh, they're psyched to see each other.
Aw.
Merv's not normally this forward,
you know.
Well, Lolly is.
But Merv is so handsome.
Can't blame a girl for trying.
I know. I mean, what's a girl to do, huh?
Well, thank you so much
for-for saving it for us.
- Yeah.
- Merv.
- Merv.
- Do you want to stay for a beer?
- Oh, yeah. Sure. Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Do we leave them alone?
- Oh, yeah.
- All right. Just--
- I think that they're gonna be just fine.
Don't trust that Lolly.
I'm just saying,
it's really impressive
what you've managed to do.
No. No.
No, I'm just a party planner.
Yeah, but you're an amazing party planner,
not just a party planner.
I mean, great mom and a great dog mom.
Look what you managed to do.
Everything you built,
I mean, it's really cool.
- Hmm.
- Can't even...
manage my 200-square-foot apartment.
No, I have been there, too.
Yeah, it's pretty rough.
I just think you should be
proud of yourself. That's all.
No one's ever said that to me before.
It's really kind.
How much longer are you here?
Uh, tomorrow. Yeah, we...
- we leave first thing.
- Oh, that's really, really soon.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna have to come and visit.
Yeah, yeah, we should.
- What's wrong?
- I'm s--
I'm so sorry.
Good job, Muffin.
Hey there. What can I get you?
Merv?
Merv?
Buddy?
Merv.
Merv!
Come here, boy.
Mervy.
Merv?
Merv!
Merv!
Merv!
Merv!
Oh, my God. Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, I thought you'd drowned, little man.
It's lucky he knew where my room was.
Yeah, that is lucky.
Next time you want to spend the evening
with your new girlfriend,
why don't you tell me so I can take him?
How do you know where I was, anyway?
- How did he get his bow tie back?
- Right.
Why'd you do that thing in the car?
- What thing?
- The hand thing.
I don't know.
I guess I just... I missed you.
Maybe I got the wrong idea.
- Anna, I can't do this.
- Can't do what?
This. Oh, my God.
It's messing with my head.
Do you have any idea
how hard this has been?
Being so, like, stupidly alone
and knowing the only thing
I have left in my life is a dog
that's more depressed than I am.
And now, like, suddenly you're, like,
here with me,
and all I'm thinking about is how badly
I handled everything that happened with us
and how idiotic it was of me
to try and make you feel better.
'Cause how could you possibly feel better?
But I just... I hated seeing you
so sad, you know,
and I wanted to take that away,
and I didn't know how.
I'm so sorry that we won't get
to meet our kids
and know what they look like.
I know how important that was to you,
and it crushed me, too, okay?
And y-you shut me out, Anna.
You stopped talking to me,
like, completely, overnight.
I couldn't get through to you.
And it wasn't all we were,
and I felt like you made it all we were,
but we were so much more than that.
You want to know why I took your hand?
Sure.
I forgot how much fun
I have with you.
I'm sorry I didn't want to talk. I...
It was too hard.
When-when you see your...
your uterus up on the stupid screen
and it's just... empty.
I just felt so...
- useless and guilty.
- Anna.
And...
I felt like I let you down
and it's... my fault.
It wasn't your fault.
Can we just start over?
The thing is, right...
...next time things get tough,
how do we know...
how do we know that we can get through it?
I don't know.
We just will.
You see, I don't...
I don't know that I believe that.
I'm sorry.
So I'll just, um, drop him off
at the end of the week, then?
Can I just say something?
Can you let me get this out
before you say no?
Yeah.
Okay. Um...
So, this co-parenting thing,
it doesn't work.
You know, not for me, not for Merv.
And I-I know it's not
what either of us want.
He needs one home, Anna.
He needs a proper home.
It's what we promised him
- when we got him.
- What--
I love this dog so much.
You know.
The idea of him not being in my life is...
...impossible.
What are you trying to say?
And I love him too much
to see him like this.
- So I want you to have him.
- I ca-- No.
- I can't let you do that.
- You can. Yes, you can. It's all right.
- No.
- Yeah, it's what he needs,
and it's what we need.
Otherwise, we're not gonna move on.
And I'm not. I'm not gonna move on
if I have to keep showing up
at your apartment every week
and see you...
...being you.
I love you, buddy.
Okay.
Bye. Bye, Merv.
Russ, can we at least talk
about this, please?
No. It's over.
Please.
What do you think?
Want to see?
Okay, guys, the last bit of work
before the holidays.
Yes!
And let's say you've got, um...
20 minutes.
So do your best. You know this stuff.
And if you don't, well...
in the grand scheme of things, it's not
gonna make a bloody difference, so...
Yeah.
Okay. On you get.
- Hey, man.
- Hi, Des.
How you feeling?
Yeah, okay. Better. Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah, that strep's, um...
pretty vicious.
'Cause, you know, I came by
your, uh, apartment-- no answer.
Well, no, 'cause-- that's right--
'cause I had, um...
well, the antibiotics just floored me.
Okay, man, you gonna tell me
where you really were?
What do you mean?
The Mervinator?
Sorry, what-- Not ringing any bells.
Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about?
- No.
- Wow, man.
- Because your 28,000 new followers...
- Twenty-eight?
...will be gutted to hear that.
Merv's escapades
at the beachside birthday bonanza,
according to "Perfect Parties Are Joss."
And as for those extra followers
that you got,
look who they are.
Aw.
What were you thinking, man?
Taking your dog on vacation
- days before the vacation?
- My dog was depressed, Des.
- You are on detention duty, okay?
- Fine. Let me see it.
Stop doing all that squinty...
- things with your eyes, man.
- I'm not squinting.
- You are squinting.
- That's how you look at things.
- Get your eyes checked.
- Fine.
Stay... still.
Very still.
You said it was gonna be a gentle tickle.
Still!
My goodness.
Okay. Are we done?
Thank you.
The good news is you can see.
But only six feet in front of you.
Put these on. Here's your prescription.
And your bill.
Oh, yes.
The tinsel.
Mm-hmm.
Hi. Uh, welcome to
Save a Furry Friend Foundation.
Are you looking for a new furry friend?
Yeah, something like that.
Wait. You've been here before.
Merv, right?
That's right. Good... good memory.
How is the little guy?
Yeah, um...
Yeah, he's great. He's awesome.
I mean, we're not supposed
to have favorites,
but I remember
when you guys picked him up.
It's so nice just...
just knowing that a dog's going to a home
where there's so much love.
Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Uh, so let's find you a new dog.
- Yeah, let's.
- Huh?
You wouldn't believe
what some of these guys have been through.
I mean, broken engagements, broken homes.
Bruno here was left in a bag.
But, you know...
all they need is
a little bit of love, right?
Yeah. Who doesn't?
Uh, so Candylicious here is
a little sweetheart.
Uh, I mean, she's got some chat.
You mean she barks.
Uh, but, I mean,
I wouldn't say in, like, a bad way.
So, um... Gizmo here is super smart.
- How precious is your furniture?
- You know, uh,
the more I think about it, I'm actually
not sure this is right, right now.
- I think it might be a little soon.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, please.
- What? What?
It's just...
Look, when you're the one
that has to take them to the vets
because they've been here for the
time limit and no one has picked them...
Whoa.
Okay.
So, you know, this is the place.
I know it's not much to look at, but...
beggars can't be choosers,
right, Angelina?
Well, I'll give you the grand tour.
This is the, uh,
living room slash kitchen.
What?
Don't look at me like that.
What'd you expect from a teacher's salary?
So, um, that's your lovely bed there.
In you come.
Okay.
We'll... we'll try that later.
I'm told it's nice and comfy.
Flick. Flick.
Flick away the sadness.
I deserve that look.
Treat.
Dinner.
Walk.
Go fetch.
Are you ready...
for the one, the only...
Mr. Bear! Yay!
Go.
Go get it. Go get it.
Yes. Yes.
No.
No!
It's almost Christmas.
I think it's okay.
Go.
Aw, Merv.
It's you.
Look how cute.
Let's see what I got.
What's up?
Don't tell me you're lonely as well.
Are you missing your friends
at the dog shelter?
Don't want to play fetch.
You don't want cuddles.
You've barely eaten your food.
I don't think you're gonna want
any of the super-gloop.
Really?
You want to try it?
Okay, here you go.
It's your funeral.
No way.
"Merv, if you're feeling crappy,
eat your greens.
They'll make you happy."
- Oh, hi.
- Hey!
- Are those baguettes?
- Yeah.
I buttered your bread.
Merry Christmas!
She snores so loud.
Yeah, she does.
Who snores like that?
Come for Christmas with us.
- What? Christmas? What? No.
- Yeah. Come on.
D-Desmond...
probably won't burn the turkey again.
No. Last time I came for dinner,
Desmond burned peas, okay? Peas.
Look, you don't have to take pity on me.
Okay? I'm fine.
- No, you're not.
- No--
But you're gonna be on your own
at Christmas.
It's a really lovely offer.
- I really appreciate it, but I--
- Please.
- I'm--
- It'll be nice.
I would've loved to have come. I just...
Okay. Um...
I will come.
And if-if you want me to watch the kids
while Desmond burns the turkey, I...
I can do that.
This might be
my favorite Christmas gift ever.
Thank you.
Come on, Angelina.
You've got to pee. Come on, please.
Please.
For me?
I'm putting my foot down.
We have to go pee.
We're gonna pee.
Yes! We're peeing. We're peeing!
See?
I told you the park was a good idea.
This was Merv's favorite park.
What do you say we get a snack, huh?
You like pretzels?
Good. Me, too. Here, come here.
Right. Let's try you off leash, okay?
Sit down.
I'm gonna let you off.
Stay. Stay.
Stay, stay, stay.
Perfect. Let's go.
Slow down. Wait. Stay with me. Angelina.
Angelina, stop! Stop right now!
Stop! Heel! Heel!
Angelina, stop! Angelina.
Angelina! Angelina, stop!
Stop!
Stop! Heel!
Angelina. Angelina.
Stop.
Angelina, Angelina, please, please.
Stop. Please, come, come.
Yes, yes.
Oh, my goodness.
You crazy pup,
you can't go running off like that, eh?
Come on. Oh, my goodness, that's enough.
Russ.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
I'm walking my dog, actually.
Your dog?
This is Angelina.
Angelina.
Yeah.
She came from the, um,
Save a Furry Friend Foundation.
Yeah.
- Can I?
- Of course.
Hey, buddy. How are you?
I missed you. How are you?
Aw.
You, um, got glasses.
I did get glasses. Yes.
Turns out I have really poor eyesight.
I'm surprised you didn't encourage me
to get them checked at any point.
It looks really good. It-it suits you.
- You think?
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Uh, nice seeing you.
- Yeah. You, too. Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
- Anna?
- Yeah?
How are you?
I'm all right.
Yeah?
And Merv?
He's okay.
A little bit, um...
- Sad?
- Yeah, like...
something's missing.
'Cause the thing is, right...
...I can't stop thinking about
how much I love and...
...I think I'll always love and...
...for the rest of my life,
I'm gonna regret it if I don't tell--
Merv?
No, Anna. You.
I missed you so much.
I miss you so much,
like, every day.
- Really?
- Yeah.
See, I-I-I thought
that I could live without you
and that it was the right thing for us.
It's not better. It's horrible.
- It's the worst.
- The worst.
And I really thought, like, if I got my
life together and I sorted my shit out--
And even now that I've done that, I--
- And still, it's--
- You did that?
Oh, yeah. I did. I have drawer dividers.
Who am I?
- I played the guitar my dad made me.
- You didn't.
- Yeah.
- Who are you?
I don't know.
Well, turns out you were right.
Life's just more fun with you in it.
I told you.
And you know what?
I don't want our band
to be called The Mistakes.
- I don't.
- I don't.
How about, like...
The Forevers?
It's so cheesy.
- But we can workshop it.
- Okay.
I love you.
I love you.
Hey, Merv.
Nice sweater, bud.
Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- Well, I'll have you know...
- Oh, no!
No way.
- That's so crazy.
- So cute.
- She's good.
- She's good.
You'll get one before you know it,
Angelina.
That's right.
You don't worry about it.
You don't worry.
- So, this band...
- Yeah.
I think I should be the lead guitarist
'cause now I play guitar.
What, h-how many times
have you played?
Uh, once. Yeah.
So, then, how many chords
do you know?
Um, like three,
but confidently two.
Okay. Okay.
I think maybe
we could be called The Try Agains.
Ooh, I like it.
Wait, what's Merv gonna do in the band?
Lead singer, obviously.
You, too, Angelina.
You could be a backup singer.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinkertoy
I want a hippopotamus
to play with and enjoy
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind
Do you?
He won't have to use
our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him in the front door
That's the easy thing to do
I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh, what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses-es
And hippopotamuses like me, too