Metalocalypse: Army of the Doomstar (2023) Movie Script

(enthralling instrumental music playing)
(triumphant instrumental music playing)
(crowd cheering)
(man) People of the Earth,
for the first time since
heroically rescuing Toki Wartooth...
-(crowd cheering)
(Nathan) Oh, yeah!
I'm fucking back, motherfuckers!
I'm fucking back!
(man) Welcome back.
Your fans demanded that you rescued
your brother, and you did it.
So we have these fans
to thank for all of this.
(crowd cheering)
We do? Fuck yeah!
(voice echoes) And fuck you all!
(host chuckles) Well, we're glad
to see you, and, you know,
for a minute there, we weren't sure
we'd ever see you again.
Well, you're fucking wrong as shit,
you fucking dipshit.
-(voice echoing)
-(crowd laughing)
(man) Well, uh, yeah.
It's been a...
Well, it's been a long time
since you put out a record.
-Here we go. Here we go.
-Here we go.
Your absence in the global marketplace
could cause some (laughing)
economic catastrophes if you don't--
(Nathan) Shut up. Shut your trap.
Just shut-- Close your mouth.
I'm gonna tell you something.
We have a three-point plan
to get new Dethklok
into your fucking ears,
and mouth, and faces.
Number one, today,
we're announcing a world tour!
(crowd cheering)
Number two,
then we're making a new record!
(crowd cheering)
That's the plan. We planned it out.
Uh, so what's three?
-The third one?
(Nathan) I meant a two-point plan.
Still, though.
-(Pickles) Still.
-Well, I'd like to shift gears.
Toki, tell us about being rescued
by your own band after being abducted.
Well, I can't. Not really.
Just that Toki is happy to be back
with his brothers.
-Don't touch.
-(sighs softly)
But I'll tell you, it's weird.
One second, we're looking for Toki,
the next thing, we got Toki with us
and nobody remembers anything.
Well, actually, Nathan,
you remember some stuff, right?
-(voice echoes)
-(thrilling instrumental music playing)
Yeah, we're just happy
to have Toki back with us
so we can fuck this place up
with some fucking metal.
(crowd cheering)
(man) Well, I'd like to talk about
Magnus Hammersmith. What a tragedy.
How does it feel
knowing that a former bandmate
was not only responsible
for the abduction,
but also took his own life?
Well, uh...
It's a real tragedy, but, you know...
Hey, we're just ready
to get back out there
and start kicking ass.
(crowd cheering)
(band performing death metal)
(male reporter) Crypto is crashing.
Velocity of money is going to zero.
The markets are plunging.
We're in a liquidity crisis.
Nathan Explosion cannot recapture
what Dethklok once was.
(female reporter) When was
their last record?
The right thing to do
would be to step aside or just quit.
Don't leave
the audience hanging.
Let the world move on.
(male reporter 2)
What about post-traumatic stress?
They say Nathan Explosion has been
in the medical ward at Mordhaus.
(female reporter 2) Well, I'm sure
they're filling him full of drugs
and pampering him like a rich celebrity.
(male reporter 3) What about
their longtime manager
CFO Charles Offdensen dropping out
and becoming
some kind of a spiritual kook?
It's not just the religious fanatics
worried on this Doomstar,
it's also NASA scientists.
(male reporter 4) Did you know
that Dethklok has their own army?
They have somewhere in the neighborhood
of 60,000 armed troops
all working for Dethklok.
(male reporter 5) Well, I'll tell you
what the whole thing is about.
Nathan Explosion's inaction.
Dethklok's army,
the economy in crisis, everything.
It's all about fear!
Fear. Fear. Fear.
(man shouts) Hey, target hit!
But the star is still too far away!
Payload chewed up
by atmospheric degradation.
-No matter. The beast was expendable.
-(wind blowing)
Farewell, sister of the krakish.
(wind howling)
(suspenseful music playing)
(Crozier) To my loved ones...
I give you a grave warning.
A monumental evil will take this planet.
Consider this my confession.
I unwittingly helped
to bring about the end of the world.
I was forced into compliance, possessed.
I have lost control of my actions,
thanks to a man whom I fear.
A beast, not of this Earth.
Take this and deliver it to my family.
Let no one know about it.
The only reason I can give this warning
is because my captor is in the stages
of possessing another.
Who? I do not know.
This will be the last
you will hear from me.
With love and regret.
You don't appreciate our endeavor?
Shame. Traitors.
This you must own, General.
You know better. (tuts)
We still have plans for you. Yes.
(Metal Masked Assassin) Take not
advantage of my kindness, General.
And to the rest of you,
there is still work to be done.
I must rest and collect strength.
Much could go wrong.
We're concerned about the threat
of this Army of the Doomstar,
"The Song of Salvation,"
and Charles Offdensen.
He's become studious
in the annals of the Metalocalypse.
He, too, is a danger.
Which is why I will bathe in his blood.
He must die by my hands.
(Stampingston) Grant me this, Lord.
(Metal Masked Assassin) Find and destroy
the Army of the Doomstar
and stop Nathan Explosion
from writing "The Song of Salvation."
And Offdensen will be your reward.
(voice echoes)
(fans clamoring)
(man 1) Fucking ugly fucking star.
Just fucking sitting there.
(man 2) I like it. It's like
a big cigarette burning your eye.
(man 3) Tell him to fucking stop.
All right, come on, we gotta go.
(Klokateers) We are the gears
in the wheel of the clock.
We fear not our mortality.
We will serve
to the best of our ability.
We are the gears. Praise blackness.
(Charles) One of us has died.
His name was Ishnifus Meaddle.
High holy priest
of the Church of the Black Klok.
He devoted his life
to understanding the prophecy,
a puzzle he sought
to solve with all its fragmented--
(William) Die, motherfucker, die!
Jesus! Fuck!
Murderface, put that away
and show some respect.
Pickles, I have to go
tinkles to the bathroom.
(Pickles shushing) You just went.
I want Nathan
to take me to the bathroom.
Nathan isn't coming, you know.
I texted him.
Just shut up for a little bit, okay?
I don't like that.
(Pickles groans)
Pickles, I hate church!
Can't I at least wait in the car?
If I have to be here,
then you have to be here.
Well, you can't tell me what to do,
because you're not my fucking mother!
(Pickles) Oh! Watch the language.
(Charles clears throat)
He left this unforgiving world with--
(William passes gas)
Excuse me.
Well, you are not excused.
That was deliberate.
Toki, don't lick the puke. Come on!
Oh, great. Here we go again.
-Toki's always in trouble!
-Okay, all right.
No, you're not.
Just watch out for germs.
You know,
Toki's a little sensitive these days.
We think he's regressing
from, uh, you know, the whole thing.
Skwisgaar, take your brother
to the bathroom.
-Go. Go on.
-(Skwisgaar whines)
-Do I have to?
Get off of me. Don't touch Skwisgaar.
Take your brother to the bathroom.
Make sure he washes his hands.
And you too. And you too, Skwisgaar.
I heard you. God!
You watch it.
I will smack you.
(Skwisgaar) No, you won't.
No, you won't. You just...
Why are we fighting?
What are we doing here?
Your presence is requested
by Father Offdensen.
(Klokateers) We are the gears
in the wheel of the clock.
We fear not our mortality.
We will serve
to the best of our ability.
(Pickles) I'm having a hard time
wrangling those fucking dickweed
fuckheads. You know what I mean?
Pickles, Dethklok is about
to be challenged
in ways you don't know.
But we will need something
very important from you.
Nathan will be called upon
in our time of need.
The responsibility
of saving the world falls...
-(glass breaking)
-...on him.
(crowd gasping)
(groans softly) Hi. Sorry.
Uh, I'm on Xanax.
Xanax is good.
I also had some red wine.
Then I started getting sleepy,
so I'm having some coffee.
I think I broke something expensive.
Did I, uh, miss the, uh...
Is it possible
to dim that light a little, please?
Is Abigail here?
I'm on Xanax.
(objects clattering)
Whoa. Whoa.
Uh, now it's too dim.
Burdened with so much already.
Though his trials have yet to begin.
(Edgar) Oh, Nathan. Nathan.
Ah, Nathan, a quick word, if you please.
I have something quite wonderful
to show you.
As you know,
I've been allotted vast resources
and wanted to display
my most recent endeavor.
I call it the universal--
Fuck off.
Oh. Yes. (chuckles nervously)
Perhaps we'll reconvene at a later date.
(Charles) Nathan is the key
to the final stage of the Metalocalypse.
But so are you.
Be his friend.
Even if it gets ugly, be a true friend.
That's all?
Yes. Goodbye, Pickles.
Oh, oh. Okay.
Hey, buddy. There you are.
(Pickles mutters nervously)
Fear, Nathan, it engulfs you.
Plagued by your nightmarish memories.
Unless you are vigilant,
you will drown in fear.
Um, hi.
-The rock, Nathan.
I need to speak to you.
The end of days are nigh.
The Metalocalypse is upon us.
The Great Reuniting.
All halves will be complete.
Salacia. Only he knows
what vile evils are in store.
Nathan, you will face him eventually.
Uh, is there a place to sit?
I've been on my feet--
"The Song of Salvation,"
how is that coming?
Uh, I'm working on it.
(Charles) The Doomstar...
creeps closer
to our atmosphere every day,
threatening cataclysmic destruction.
Our time is running out, Nathan.
There is, however, good news.
There is protection.
The prophecy speaks
of the Army of the Doomstar.
They will aid us in our time of need.
(groans softly)
Nathan, you must journey out
to find "The Song of Salvation."
I'm entrusting one of our newest
and best clergy members to guide you.
He will be your shaman,
your musical and mystical guide
through the tumult
of meaningful creativity.
You will go to an unknown location
and be instructed
in the spiritual ways--
Look, I can't be at the center of this.
I've been thinking lately
that life might actually be precious,
that this business asks too much of me.
So I want to start a new life.
A family with someone that I like.
Nathan, nobody can write the message
of the song but you.
I'm sorry.
There's something I've got to do.
Nathan. Hi.
It's just so good to see you.
I... I haven't seen you
since I pretty much saved your life,
and you know, you kissed me.
(chuckles nervously)
What's new?
Well, um, I've been seeing a therapist
to help me,
though I... I don't remember
much of anything.
Have you thought about
talking to a professional?
Actually, uh, I've been speaking
to a professional too.
A professional diamond salesman.
(people gasping)
I've been thinking a lot.
And the only thing that makes sense
in this whole fucking
putrid piece of shit world is you.
What is he doing?
Please stand up.
Because when two people,
you know, each other--
Please stand up. Please.
-I guess what I'm saying, Abigail...
-(Abigail) Please stand up.
-...with all that is black and brutal...
-(Abigail) Nathan, please stand up.
...will you marry me?
No, Nathan.
I'm not going to marry you.
At least take a lap around the block.
Think about it.
I mean, I'm being submissive here.
Look, I'm down.
I could go lower.
I could be on the ground.
It's got to count for something.
Nathan, we aren't even dating.
But you kissed me.
You saved my life and I gave you a kiss.
Look, I think you're a great guy.
-Oh, don't. Please.
-Now you figure out who you are...
-...and what you want.
-(Nathan) Please don't do that.
(Abigail) I'm sure you'll meet
the right girl.
(Nathan grunts)
Nathan, the whole reason I came here
was to stop all of this.
To end whatever you thought we were.
Well, I guess this just isn't my day.
Is it?
Nathan, I came here to say goodbye.
-Abigail, come back!
-(crowd cheering)
(male fan) Hey, it's Nathan Explosion,
right fucking there!
-(fans cheering)
-Fuck me.
(female fan) Where's our fucking record?
What happened to the fucking tour?
Go away!
Where is our shit, man?
(Nathan) What do you want
from me, anyway?
We're here for you, man.
We're here because we love you, bro.
No, you don't.
You're just a bunch of idiot fans.
We love you! You're a god!
What? No!
The reason I'm all screwed up
is because of you.
No matter what I give, you want more.
And I'm done.
I'm done giving.
-You mean nothing to me.
-(cheering stops)
(male fan) Hey, man, that's not nice.
(Nathan) In fact,
I want you out of my life.
So why don't you fuck off?
Fuck off on a fucking shit barge
to outer space.
'Cause I'm breaking up with you!
(all jeering)
Go away, God damn it!
Go away!
There's no way
this day could get any worse.
(man) Please welcome Dr. Rockzo,
the rock and roll clown.
Oh, fuck.
(singing) Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
Is this in G? I thought this was...
This is in F.
A wretch like me
I can't hear the monitor, man.
I used to hit that note. Come on.
Give it to me now!
I once was lost and now I'm found
I was blind, but now I see
Give me a little more bass
in the monitor.
Dr. Rockzo knows
we all gotta die someday.
Years from now, even
Dr. Rockzo's gonna meet sweet hereafter.
But Dr. Rockzo knows he's going
to that backstage party in the sky.
And he knows he's gonna see St. Peter,
the bouncer at the pearly gates.
And you know St. Peter's gonna have
a little bit of cocaine, right?
And you know we're gonna have a party
with all the lovers that we had
and all the sexy mamas.
And the angels are gonna be
serving martinis.
And at some point,
that door's gonna fly open.
And who's gonna be standing there?
God himself.
And he's gonna party down
with all of us.
That's right.
Because we're all only here
a short time, baby!
And we gotta make the most of it all.
We gotta carry on,
and we must... We must love each other.
In the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy Spirit...
I gotta blow some of these balloons.
Who wants a balloon?
I said, who wants a crucifix balloon?
(Toki) What ams wes gonna does?
Nathan won't come out of there.
Come on, he's been dumped.
He feels like trash.
Hey, Nathan.
You feel like chatting with us
a little bit?
(William) Let me at him.
I know how to talk to Nate.
Nathan, Murderface here.
Hey, bud.
Women are heartless monsters.
And fuck those pieces of shit fans.
And fuck those fucking
dildo-licking douchebags
into a pool of fucking fire!
Shut up, Murderface.
Look, Nate, just come out.
Maybe we'll have some cocktails
and French fries.
Hmm. Sounds great?
I've been thinking.
I don't get to have
what regular people have.
All I have are you fuckbags.
And it fucking sucks,
but it'll have to do.
Well, (chuckles nervously)
that's a clever way of saying it.
What I'm saying is,
all I have is jack shit here.
And I'm settling for what I got.
You idiots.
Okay, we get it.
So let's get the fuck out of here
go write this song
of sal-fucking-vation.
Your shorts have been pressed
and packed, sire.
May I prepare your toiletries?
Ah! No, thank you. Why don't you just
throw yourself down the stairs. Bye.
Who's there?
(enchanting instrumental music playing)
(breathing heavily)
(dramatic instrumental music playing)
(Pickles) Whoa! What is this?
(Nathan) Apparently,
we're supposed to work
with some kind of a song guru here.
(Knubbler) Welcome to Dais Keep.
(gong rumbles)
Well, hi.
Fucking Knubbler.
Are you kidding?
He's our spiritual musical guide?
Well, uh, yeah, babe.
This guy's an idiotic
drug-mongering piece of shit, like us.
How's that going to work?
Don't overthink it.
You know, it's fine. It'll be fine.
(Toki) Hey, where are you
taking our stuff?
Well, away, you know.
Gone, you know.
There are some rules here.
No computers, no screen time,
no contact with the outside world, okay?
I mean, this is going to be
unorthodox for you.
This is a holy place,
a place hidden away for centuries.
A place of purity,
a wonderful place of--
Hey, this is your water supply
for your time here, all right, baby?
(William) Uh, wasn't aware.
(Knubbler) Now you know.
What is music? Hmm?
Think about it. What is that stuff?
Music is a telegraph, baby.
It's an invisible cluster
of fucking frequencies and vibrations
that when done right,
infects the listener's soul
with fucking cool ass emotion.
It's the power
to change a person's feelings,
my beautiful little babies.
Their attitude,
perhaps even their whole life.
And this is why you are here.
To write "The Song of Salvation."
Oh-oh, there's a fire right here.
Get an extinguisher!
(Nathan) Uh, this may be
a dumb question at this point,
but what is "The Song of Salvation?"
-Nobody knows.
Well, do we at least know
the running time, roughly--
Nobody knows.
Does we at least know
what keys it ends in?
(whispering) Nobody knows.
What happens if we do it wrong?
That we do know.
The world will be bathed in blood
and foul repugnance,
and molten metal will rain
from the skies, babe.
The Earth will be a hellscape.
Fuckers will be dying and shit.
All that is good will be dead.
The Metalocalypse!
(voice echoes)
(Knubbler) Fellas, the good news is that
the song already lives inside of you.
The reason you cannot see it is because
it is being blocked by your egos.
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(Knubbler) Your ego and fear
is what keeps--
How does a song save the world?
Can you at least tell us that?
I cannot because I don't know.
(William) Not helpful.
Uh, well, after you've written the song,
you will rehearse and play
from our studios
broadcasting around the planet
to millions of adoring fans.
The fans.
Nathan, as band lyricist,
a lot of the weight will fall on you.
The weight of the world.
Well, that's a lot of weight.
But you will never crumble
as long as you believe in yourself.
So, do you, babe?
Here is your only writing challenge.
Choose a person in your life
with whom you'd like
to have a conversation.
That's all.
If you can do that, then the rest
will come like a powerful waterfall.
(chuckles softly)
Figure out who that person is,
okay, babe?
Let's talk band roles.
A band is a family.
There's a father, a mother,
brothers, a sister.
So let's talk about what each of you
are really bringing to the table.
Pickles, what's your role?
Uh, to play the drums.
Good. Murderface, quick. Come on.
-Come on, come on, come on.
-I'm a fucking bass player, so...
-(Knubbler) Come on, come on, come on.
I don't have a fucking role,
so fuck off, right?
Nah. Wrong. We'll come back. Nathan?
-Uh, easy on the sad guy.
-(Knubbler) What?
I'm... I'm joking.
I'm... I'm the lyricist/front man,
of course.
You know, the fucking king,
basically, baby.
-(Nathan) I'm kidding.
I'll write this song.
Don't you worry. I got it.
-(Knubbler) Good. Yeah!
-I'm the band's guitar god.
I am the sunshine rainbow
marshmallow man.
(Knubbler) Yes, you are. Great.
Well, everybody seems
to know their place.
Except you, Murderface.
You still don't really know
what you bring to the table, do you?
Well, what do you think, gang?
Can we help him figure out his role,
since he doesn't really know?
(Pickles) Uh, I don't know.
He's always talking shit.
(Nathan) Oh, yeah. He's always telling
us whatever we're doing fucking sucks.
-(Knubbler) Okay.
-(Toki) He's generally in a shitty mood.
-He brings that to the table.
-(Knubbler) What else?
(Skwisgaar) When we feel good
about the parts,
he complains that it sucks.
(Pickles) He likes to explain why
little tiny things we do in a song suck.
(Toki) His attitude sucks.
-(Nathan) His job is to suck. He sucks.
-(all) Sucks!
(Knubbler) Murderface,
this helping out, babe?
(wind blowing)
(video game beeping)
(door rattling)
-(door opens)
-(creepy whispers)
(wind howling)
(enthralling instrumental music playing)
(Metal Masked Assassin) Look.
Look into my eyes.
You belong to me now.
You will be cunning.
You will find the location
of the Army of the Doomstar.
And Nathan Explosion...
you must crush his confidence.
(grunts) Fuck this!
There's got to be a better way.
Look, I know you got a laptop in there.
I need to make a call.
Oh, boy. You're kind of putting me
in a rough spot here, buddy.
You know we're not supposed to have
any electronics while we're here.
There. Come on. Don't be a dildo.
Aren't you worried
about Knubbler catching you?
It's cheating. (sighing)
Just promise me
(distorted) you won't go online
and read the horrible shit
the press is saying about you, okay?
(William) They're saying you don't have
the goods anymore
that you're just some fat celebrity.
That you're weak.
That you should just hang it up.
(Nathan) Abigail.
(William) Oh, and that
Abigail was only with you
because she was scared of getting fired.
You know, that kind of shit.
Either way, it's all just noise.
Pay it no mind, okay?
Good pep talk.
How's it goin', Nate?
(excitedly) Oh, Nathan, we missed you!
Are you okay?
(Rose) You look upset.
(Oscar) Is your screen frozen?
-Hey, guys, what's up?
What, are you napping or something?
Hey, you know why we're not supposed
to have any screen time, right?
And the boiler exploded
and the people behind
on the roller coaster got splashed.
Can you do anything with that?
Oh, fuck. Gross.
Mom, that's not the help
I'm looking for.
Either way,
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
You always do.
I don't think I can this time.
And If I don't, the world will end.
Oh, come on.
You're always so tough on yourself.
The world won't end.
Yes, it will. It will.
Hey, just wanted to say how sad we are
that Abigail didn't work out.
(Nathan roars)
Why can't everybody just fuck off!
(Oscar) Nathan.
Fuck. Now you're pissed.
I am disappointed.
(bell dinging)
(Skwisgaar) Stop ringing that bell
for fuck's sake.
(Pickles) What the fuck.
It's early for breakfast, dude. Shit.
Look at all this exquisite food.
Maybe I'll make a little plate
for myself.
I'll have a little of this.
Uh-oh. Dropped it on the floor.
Maybe I'll just drop it all
on the fucking floor.
-(dish clatters)
-Gives me a fucking idea.
What the fuck is he doing?
-(Toki) Oh, no.
-(William) My God, man!
-(dishes clattering)
-What are you doing?
You're wrecking all the food, man!
We are running out of time.
Rules are being broken.
So, we must speed up training.
You need to be hungry.
Work hard.
The fun is over.
You must be able to play anything.
A band must function
with military precision, eye contact.
You must be able to read
each other's minds.
There lies the tree of knowledge.
And here is the challenge.
Water the tree.
If you can do that,
then you can reclaim your strength.
-(Nathan grunts)
-(Knubbler) Whoopsie-daisy!
(maniacal laughter)
We must strengthen your musical resolve.
Toki, tune that guitar, babe.
Look, this is a clip-on guitar tuner.
If you play a note, it will tell you
what note it is and if it is in tune.
(Swisgaar) Start practicing again.
That's when you was good.
(Metal Masked Assassin) Awaken.
(thrilling instrumental music playing)
Find them.
(Klokateers chanting)
(Knubbler) We are the gears
in the wheel of the clock.
(Klokateers) We fear not our mortality.
We will serve
to the best of our ability.
We are the gears. Praise blackness.
What are you doing down here?
The Army of the Doomstar is here.
You must swear a sacred oath
to keep this a secret.
Too many lives are at stake.
Now go back to bed.
-(groaning in pain)
You found the Army of the Doomstar,
didn't you?
The location, give it to me.
-Give it to me. Give it to me.
-(Swisgaar) Murderface!
Fuck off! What?
Hi. (shuddering)
You were screaming
in your sleep.
Was that you I've seen
roaming the halls at night?
Fuck you! No!
(stutters) What are you doing,
watching me?
Get up. They want us outside.
(Pickles) Come on, Nathan.
You can do it.
I believe in you, buddy.
-(Nathan grunts)
-Go, Nathan.
Come on. You're almost there.
Come on.
-(Nathan yelps)
-(sniggers) Ow!
Oh, my God. He couldn't do it.
But it's not about getting to the top.
It's about what we do when we fail.
(Nathan) Fuck!
(voice echoes)
(rain pattering)
(gong dings)
(man yells)
Don't despair, babes.
At the end,
you will find all the answers.
Nathan, have you found someone
you would wish to communicate with?
I don't know what salvation is.
Hope isn't a metal concept.
People don't come to me for salvation.
They come to me if they want a song
about how your guts will be liquefied
by a weed whacker.
I sing about death,
not about how you'll live.
And all I can think to do is write
what I know.
The most furious and fucked up,
the most brutal song ever written.
I guess.
And you think this will be
"The Song of Salvation?"
Well, it's all I fucking got.
I don't know. I think this plan sucks.
(Knubbler) I've done my best
to guide through
the labyrinth of creative discovery.
Together, we work to give fertility
to the soil of your soul.
And now we're down to the last
and most important lesson.
Oh, yeah.
This is mare viridates.
Weed from the sea.
It helps us to see and feel that
which we cannot in our conscious state.
The truth.
But can you ask the right questions
and get to the core of yourself?
(laughing maniacally)
(Whale Prophet) If you are ready
to seek help, then confess.
I doubt myself.
(Whale Prophet)
But you must doubt yourself.
I can't do what I'm asked to do.
(Whale Prophet)
And why do you think that is?
(Whale Prophet) But you are the beast
daughters of the apocalypse.
You must bring about the end to live.
Nothing makes sense.
(Whale Prophet)
You sink in the darkness.
But now is the time for you to choose.
Will you be the fist or the hand?
One strikes at all before them.
The other reaches out for other life.
What will happen must happen.
As long as there is life, there is hope.
What is that?
(Knubbler) The deadline is here.
(upbeat instrumental rock music playing)
(Knubbler) This is it. We go live now.
This is our only shot.
Believe in yourselves and we are gold.
Hello, everybody. It's me, Facebones.
Welcome to the Dethklok
live stream event.
Please enjoy. It will be on in ten,
(Whale Prophet)
What is it that you desire to be?
-The fist or the hand?
-(Facebones) ...four, three...
-My God. Is this the wrong song?
(heavy metal music playing)
We're all going to die
We're all going to die
We're all going to die eventually
Toxic waste, acidic paste, degradation
Crushed by a plane, driven insane
Cranial glitch, dumped in a ditch
Gangrenous stitch
Fever has entered your soul
How could you be
So fucking naive?
Fled for refuge
You fell to your knees
You spoke the words
And brandished your heart
You left yourself open
To be torn apart
Torn apart
Aortic desecration
How could I be so wrong?
Disemboweled publicly
This is the dying song
(lightning cracking)
Aortic desecration
(song ends)
My God, how did they find us?
(Pickles) Run!
Skwisgaar, no!
(helicopters hovering)
(dramatic instrumental music playing)
(guns firing)
-(thrilling instrumental music playing)
(Metal Masked Assassin) You did this.
Please get out of my head!
(switch trills)
(lightning strikes)
(Nathan) Pickles,
pull it together, buddy.
-(Pickles gasping for air)
-(Toki) He wants his guitar.
-It comforts him.
-(Skwisgaar groans)
It happened like the prophecy said,
the Metalocalypse.
Anyone seen Murderface?
I saw him run away somewhere...
(panting) Out there.
(Crozier) You were infiltrated.
(choking) I come in peace.
I can help you.
You've got nobody else, anyway.
(breathing heavily)
The Army of the Doomstar is gone.
All of them. They're all dead.
(Swisgaar groaning softly)
If you want me to take a look at him,
I can help.
He's in shock from the explosion,
but he'll be back to normal soon.
(Toki) Here, Skwisgaar, you want
to make sure you are in tune.
-(guitar plays tune)
-What are you playing there?
Start talking. Why are you here?
Years ago, I was seduced by the power
of what I thought was a man.
Yes. But when I started to do
some digging, he didn't like that.
He took control over me.
He possessed me.
He used me.
He used the power of the military.
He wanted to kill the people
protecting you,
the Army of the Doomstar.
And he gloated about possessing another
in order to get close.
(Toki) Skwisgaar, what are you playing?
But what Salacia couldn't control
was that while he possessed the other,
I was free.
So I jumped,
thinking it would all be over.
But something in the water
terrified Salacia
and it drove him out.
So who was it that betrayed us?
Uh... Guys.
Oh, my God. He knew.
(heavy metal instrumental music playing)
(Crozier) He was weak and vulnerable
to Salacia's spell as I was,
and forced to do the unspeakable.
Your friend is innocent,
but Salacia, he's still inside of him.
If you can find your friend,
you can save him.
(William roars lightly)
(Crozier) You'll have to perform
an exorcism.
You've got to submerge him
until the beast exits his body.
-(all grunting)
-Be careful, you could kill him.
One, two, three!
(muffled groans)
Come and find me, Nathan Explosion.
You all will die.
(thrilling instrumental music playing)
Get away from me!
Don't you know what I've done?
But it wasn't you.
You said it.
I have no role in this band.
What? Of course you do.
Your role is to suck.
It's so important to us that you suck.
You're the voice of dissent.
Don't you get it?
Without you, we're fooling ourselves.
I'm no better than Magnus.
Hey, no.
Magnus never gave us a chance
to forgive him.
He was too busy being angry and selfish.
But we forgive you, Murderface.
You bring balance to this band
by sucking.
You suck so fucking much,
we can't live without you.
(Toki) Come back to us.
Suck the life out of
every waking moment with us.
Come back and suck.
But you can't even hear the bass.
(Nathan) But you can always feel it.
(Toki) What do we do now?
(Nathan) I fucked up.
I wrote the wrong song.
So, everybody should blame me.
I guess I'm no goddamn good after all.
Ow! What the fuck.
-What do you...
What's happening?
You feeling sorry for your dumpy ass,
you little dildo fuckhead?
Fucking Knubbler gave you one job,
but you fucked it up, didn't you,
you little dick lick.
Find one person to communicate with--
But everybody abandoned me.
Nope. You shut down and pushed them out
like a fucking
little douchebag dildo, frankly.
Quit hitting me.
First thing is, I'm feeling much better.
Thank you all.
And number two, this is weird.
Should we get going?
The question is, what would you say
if they were all in your life, stupid?
What would you say?
I'd say, I...
I'd say, "Come back."
Come back, and maybe together
we can fight all of this.
Now, that would be a pretty good
"Song of Salvation," actually, you know.
Holy shit!
That is "The Song of Salvation."
I mean, none of this is about me or us.
It's about everybody else that's alive.
I'm just a little part of it.
I'm just a gear
in the wheel of the clock.
Holy shit. That's what that means.
This is it. We have to find a way
to play this song.
Then we're going to find that fucker
who fucked up Murderface,
the fucker who's fucking up
this whole planet.
And we're gonna go fuck him up.
See how he likes it.
The Dethjet. If it wasn't destroyed,
it can get us out of here.
(triumphant instrumental music playing)
(Toki) Try not to kill us, Pickles.
Toki, be a good boy and bring Mommy
a scotch, okay? I got this.
So, what's your plan?
It's not mine. It's his.
What the fuck is this piece of shit
doing inside of my lab--
This piece of shit's with us now.
-Hi. Sorry about everything.
-(Edgar) Heh!
Are you, then?
This is the universal stereo.
It's a PA system
that can amplify a concert
for the entire planet.
If that's the case,
then we'll need to hardwire in.
Correct, Skwisgaar.
Computer, deploy the universal stereo.
There are five major points
that must be plugged in.
Each of you will have to fly and plug
in to the audio-ins at the patch base
located at one of the five points.
Each of your flight pods is equipped
with an autopilot.
You'll just have to be guided
through the plug-in process.
Then meet at the stage center
so that you can play the song.
(Crozier) My God, this is amazing.
(Edgar) No shit, Sherlock.
(all scream)
(Nathan groans)
Nathan's been hit.
(Nathan) I'm okay.
Just a cosmetic wound.
I've been thinking about Salacia.
You told us to find him.
So, let's say we do find him,
then what are we supposed to do?
He's more powerful
than anything this planet knows.
Even worse,
he's going to become stronger.
He calls it The Great Reuniting.
And he's bringing reinforcements.
And what you're calling the Doomstar
isn't just a star.
It's also a portal to another place
and time, and a weapon.
He built the world's
biggest superconductor,
so then he could pull the star
closer to the earth--
Note, it's also terrifying the planet.
(Nathan) I don't understand
what this has to do with us.
A powerful force is needed
to wedge open
the Doomstar's portal gates
so that the half man could be completed.
The rest of the souls,
that force is you.
It gave me gifts as well.
The Dethlights.
My God.
(Edgar) You should be in range now.
Okay. Everybody else good?
Nathan, what's going on?
Bad news.
-(spark sputters)
-Hit I took fused the compartment shut.
Then you'll have to do it manually.
Oh, boy.
-(Edgar) Nathan, look out!
-(Nathan grunts)
-Oh, no! Nathan!
It's okay. I'm alive.
Now what do I do?
You see a gigantic cable?
-(Edgar) I'm sending you towards it.
(Nathan mutters) Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
Got it. Guide me in.
I need to say something to my band.
Pickles, Skwisgaar, Murderface, Toki,
you stood by me after Abigail dumped me.
You never gave up on me.
And in case you're wondering,
we never had sex.
(Pickles) Really?
(Pickles) Shit.
(Nathan) That's okay,
'cause it wouldn't have been right.
And Abigail...
Abigail, wherever you are in this world,
I'm sorry that I tried to
force something that wasn't there.
I respect you
and I want you to be happy.
And I'll grow stronger
because I'll always have
my relationship with music.
(force blowing)
(Pickles) All right!
(William) Motherfucker, way to go!
(Edgar) We're flying the stage craft
towards Batsfjord, Norway,
near the Arctic Circle.
There's great deal
of magnetic activity and striation.
That's where Salacia is.
You'll see
I've upgraded your instruments.
They're to your exact specifications
and then some.
Oh, cool!
My teddy bear.
Hey, you're one hell of a motherfucker.
I am but a gear
in the wheel of the clock.
We got something we been working on,
so you just got to bring the message.
You're the absolute best
mother... fucker.
I'll see you on stage.
I'll see you on stage.
(Pickles) This one's for Knubbler!
(voice echoes)
(heavy metal music playing)
(thunder rumbling)
(rumbling continues)
(Nathan) People of Earth...
this is Dethklok.
You don't have to be afraid anymore.
Last breath skyward
Dark sign, closing line
No time to mend this life
Take this hand
This last time
We're the shadows of the infinite
We stand alive
We're nothing but the soil of time
Beasts in the night
Reach with my open hand
Bound for all time
In the shadows of the blazing star
Fused with the light
Now rise!
Rise! Rise!
Shoot them down, now!
Move it out, move it out
Brace for a crash landing.
(Pickles) Here we go!
You want to get killed or you want
a chance to join something good?
(crash landing)
(Pickles) You know,
if you think you're making us
shit our pants over here...
Take them.
Tonight, all things change.
Sad, isn't it?
But, pledge your allegiance to me,
and I will kill your friends quickly.
I'm offering a seat at the table.
Well, I'm good on furniture right now.
I don't need any chairs or...
I think I got...
I got everything I need.
(Metal Masked Assassin) Be quiet!
You're just as mentally inept
as they said you were.
Just takes me a long time
to learn stuff.
When this ends, I will crucify you,
but I won't kill you.
I will keep you alive
in wretched misery.
You know, you don't really have
to go to the trouble.
How was the conversation?
It was good.
Well, hey, what's that?
(Toki) It's my last meal.
I've got some bowls of kombuchas.
I never tried it before.
(belches) Like a vinegar soda.
Oh, yeah, yours is over there.
I, uh, ordered for you.
(Nathan) Chocolate milk
and Cool Ranch Doritos.
Hmm. You know, I've always said
it's the best thing--
The best thing
a death metal vocalist can eat.
Shit. You really know me.
I don't know what else to say.
I think we're going to die.
Really? Really dead?
Yeah. I think we're gonna die.
(chuckles nervously)
-Toki, try to be strong.
Try to be strong.
I never even finished Planet Piss.
I'm gonna be one of those dildos
that everybody knows
can't complete a project.
Everybody else will be dead too,
so who cares, really?
(sighs) Death, it's a real
get-out-of-jail-free card, isn't it?
Well, I guess I'll see you
in the afterlife, Skwisgaar.
Hanging out every day for eternity.
So you're saying we're going to hell?
I've been thinking
about the Dethlights.
Can we ever summon that power again?
Was that power even ours?
Or was it the Doomstar doing it all?
You know, to stop us from being killed.
Yeah. To protect us
so that we can be used
for something even more horrible.
(dramatic instrumental music playing)
(lightning strikes)
I'm the gear in the wheel of the clock.
I fear not my mortality.
I will serve to the best of my...
(chanting continues)
(Salacia) Behold!
The Great Reuniting!
The Doomstar portal is open!
Summoning the four souls
to cascade forth
and fuse into the half man
making him whole again.
It's happening.
(woman) Look. It's coming closer.
(people screaming)
It's happening.
It's happening!
It's happening!
(Nathan) I'm the gear
in the wheel of the clock.
I fear not my mortality.
I will serve to the best of my ability.
(Edgar) He's alive.
Growing in power.
(Crozier) Good.
(Edgar) Well, I think a tad bit faster.
Now get me to that contraption
before they fix it. Now mush.
(Crozier) I'm working on it.
It was nice working with you.
-(Edgar) Yes.
-(guard) Somebody's inside.
-My brother, at last I'll be with you.
-(spark buzzing, beeping)
(Vater) No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
It's still alive.
I can see its heart beating.
Dethklok is of no use to us now.
Kill them.
It's too late.
It's over.
-(fans chanting)
-What's that sound?
(fans) Dethklok!
-They came.
Who came?
The fans!
They heard us.
(Skwisgaar) "The Song of Salvation"
(William) The fans.
I've always loved them!
Team A, that thing is vulnerable.
We need to squash it
before it's too late.
Team B, protect Dethklok.
Let's end this.
(Charles) Stay away from them.
Those are my spiritual saviors
you're fucking with.
(both grunting)
(Charles) No!
(breathing heavily)
(William) Hey!
Sorry. I thought you were somebody else.
Please don't kill me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-(knife pierces)
(groans in pain)
-(vehicle approaching)
(guard grunts)
All members of the US military,
stand down!
Do not hurt the civilians.
They're not the enemy.
Protect them at all costs.
(shrill noise)
(dramatic music playing)
(people screaming)
(heavy metal music playing)
Go into the waters.
Don't you know
only a god can kill a god?
(Whale Prophet moans)
(all groaning in pain)
That was upsetting!
Oh, it's my teddy bear.
Oh, cool.
Holy shit. Did we survive?
(fans cheering)
(fans in unison)
Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok!
(clears throat)
I, uh, have something to say.
-Shut the fuck up for one second!
-(fans stop chanting)
I wanna say thank you.
I mean, you're not just the fans,
My God, you are
the Army of the Doomstar.
Holy shit.
I'm just putting that together.
I mean, you were always
the Army of the Doomstar,
and you were always
right in front of me.
And I just didn't see it.
I mean, sure,
our relationship could get tricky,
but you were always there for us.
I mean, holy fucking shit!
And I'm sorry
I tried to break up with you.
But you came
when we needed you the most.
And I just realized something else.
Oh, boy.
My family, my band, all of us.
This! This is The Great Reuniting!
(heavy metal music playing)
Thank you!
(fans cheering)
(Nathan) What a fucking day! Right?
(heavy metal music continues)
(upbeat instrumental rock music playing)