Mexican Hayride (1948) Movie Script

American police.
We're working with
the local authorities...
to keep undesirable
characters out of Mexico.
We're after a confidence man
named Joe Bascom.
I should be glad to assist you. Thanks.
Keep your eyes open
for a pudgy guy...
who looks as if he were
apologizing for something.
Dark complexion,
5'5" and fat.
That description
fits many men.
How would I know him? That's our
trouble. We don't know him either.
How do you know he's here?
We traced him from El Paso.
He won a dance
marathon contest.
Used the prize money
to get here.
He danced the samba for 68 hours
straight... still goofy from it too.
don't whistle the samba.
Thank you.
Please! I asked you not to whistle
that tune. Don't do it anymore!
Bullfight. Come on.
Hey, look!
That must be Bascom!
So that's Montana! She's
beautiful. Clever too.
I took that kid from
a small-time rodeo...
and built her up
to this.
Oh, no. No!
It couldn't be.
What couldn't be, senor? Nothing. Nothing.
I thought I saw something
I hope I didn't see.
Excuse me
just a minute.
I can't find him,
He's got to be around here.
Come on. Let's go here.
Dale a tu hermano. Dame
el tajo grande a m. Huh?
Estoy hablando
a mi hijo.
No ms.
Dame el ajo.
Mmm. Muy bueno esto.
Esto est bueno.
Est bueno, verdad? No le
gusta a usted? Ah... ooo!
No sabe usted
lo que es bueno, hombre.
No sabe usted lo que es
bueno. Oh, no. Bueno, bueno.
Es lo mejor que hay
para el estmago.
Um... um...
iVa.! Qu tiene?
Est bueno esto, hombre.
Hablo... Hablo es...
I blow outta here.
I'll see you later.
I'm... gonna go now. Est bien. Adis.
Thank you.
Mama. Mama!
I'm sick, Mama.
You looked up there? I
looked all over that section.
Excuse me.
All right.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here in
Mexico? I'm lookin' for you!
And I'm gonna
stick around until...
you give back the money you stole
from my friends in Iowa. I stole?
You're the one the cops are
after. But you've got the money.
Shh. Do the cops know you're
here? The two guys chasing me.
I'm gonna tell 'em the truth
and then they're gonna get you.
Look, Joe, we'll talk
about the money later.
The most important thing,
don't get yourself arrested.
Go find an empty seat
and hide under it.
I'll see you after a
while. I guess I told him.
something's come up.
I've gotta have the dough right
away. Lambert, let's not be hasty.
Our agreement is, when Montana
chooses me to be the Amigo Americano,
I return the money for the silver
mine. If Gus is the Amigo Americano,
he can stick somebody
else with the mine.
It will sell like hotcakes!
Maybe five or six times!
Beat it before people think we're
framing it for me to be the Amigo.
iEl toro.! iEl toro.!
iEl toro.!
What are you doing here? You
told me to find an empty seat.
Sit down, sit down,
sit down.
What are you trying to do?
Ruin me? Me... ruin you? Hmph!
Who was it that told me
I had oil in my backyard?
Who was it that made me sell
that phony stock to my friends?
That ran away with the money?
That made Mary mad at me?
If you're getting tired of the "whos"
I got a "what" for you... on second base.
There's a guy gonna give me
the dough after the bullfight.
Sit still.
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
Sit down! Who's the
Swede they're yellin' for?
What Swede?
Play dead, will ya? "Play dead, will ya?"
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
: Ol.!: Ol.!
Didn't I tell you to sit down?
I wanna see what Ole's doin'.
They're cheering Montana. That's
the way the Mexicans say "hurrah. "
Why don't they say "hooray"?
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
How do the Romans say
"hooray"? Oh, skip it.
"Oh, skip it"?
That's sillier than "Ole. "
Oh, skip it. Ole.
Ole oh, skip it Shh.
I still like
"hooray. "
Will you keep quiet?
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
: Ol.!
What happened? Montana
just finished the bull.
I'm finished with your bull. Where's
the money? I'll have the money.
Friends, amigos.
As you've read in the newspapers
and heard over the radio,
today starts
Amigo Americano Week.
A citizen of the United States will be
selected as a representative American.
Hey, that voice
is very familiar.
For seven glorious days, he will
tour Mexico as an honored guest.
My hat will be
the key to Mexico.
The lucky American
who catches it...
will be the
Amigo Americano.
Hey, it's Ma...
No wonder you didn't want me
to see what was going on.
Why, you dirty crook!
- Mary!
- Joe Bascom. You...
iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Boys, put him down. There's
been a mistake. I'll say.
I figured it was a double cross
when you wanted the dough fast.
Gus... You've got as much
honor as that mine has silver.
Sell it to the fat chump.
He hasn't got a quarter.
Neither have you.
Things are not cooking so
good, are they, Harry? Awful.
If Gus was made
the Amigo Americano,
you could use the position
to sell the silver mine.
Why don't we get the cute amigo
to sell the mine? It won't work.
Bascom's too stupid
and too honest.
But we're not too stupid
and we're not too honest.
Put me down!
I demand a fair trial.
I'm innocent, I tell you.
Senor, you just have
been made Amigo Americano.
That's one rap
you'll never pin on me.
I'll wire my American consul,
my congressman!
Put me down!
Get me down.
The very idea!
Will you come quietly, Bascom? Bascom?
My name is Fish, Humphrey
Fish. Why did you run away?
Why were you chasing me? Because
you ran away. Why'd you run?
Because you were chasing me. Just a minute.
You made a mistake.
I happen to know Mr., um... Fish.
I'd rather call myself a crook. So would I.
Who are you? That's Mr. Harry Lambert.
He goes wherever I go,
don't you, Mr. Lambert?
We think he's Joe Bascom. You swear he's
Humphrey Fish? Got a picture of Bascom?
No. He took it on the lam
before he could be mugged.
That's Humphrey Fish.
Release him immediately.
Something wrong, Mr.
Lambert? Yes, Mr. Winthrop.
These men think my pal, Humphrey
Fish, is Joe Bascom, a fugitive.
A case of mistaken identity.
That's a lot of malarkey.
This guy adds up toJoe Bascom.
Bascom is short and dumpy.
Like you? Like me. And
he's got a roly-poly face.
Like you? Like me! And he's
got short, fat, stumpy legs.
Like you?
Yeah, like me!
Arrest that man!
Let's go, boys.
iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Hold it.
That's wonderful.
Girls, how about
a little kiss, a smile?
Hold it, hold it.
Thank you, senoritas, senor.
And I want
to thank you, senor.
Girls, thank you for having
your picture taken with me.
Do not thank us. We are with the
compliments of the chamber of commerce.
We are your
Senor, es un placer
estar con usted.
This kid I can
never understand.
It would be bad publicity
if you were to get lonesome.
Senor, queremos que
su visita aqu sea muy feliz.
Muy feliz. iMuy feliz.!
I'm lost again.
Mr. Fish, I'm waiting
for my interview!
I forgot all about you.
Excuse me, girls.
On behalf of the Amalgamated Press,
I'd like to ask a few questions.
How do you feel about
this responsibility...
in making you the Amigo
Americano? Well, it's...
You are all alike.
Would you say the
relationship exemplified...
by your lackadaisical
efforts to promote goodwill...
could possibly accomplish anything? Well...
You sound
like an egotist.
Why do you attempt to use
polysyllabic conversation...
when your intelligence
quotient is minus nil?
Stick to words of one syllable.
Do you know what a syllable is?
What's a syllable? Are you
sure you know? A syllable...
Give me your definition. Go
ahead. Take it easy. A s...
One word at a time.
You're sure you know?
Don't get excited.
Will you get out!
Tell the girls
so the girls will know.
What's a syllable?
Don't rush yourself.
I want the girls to know
you're a smart man.
What's a syllable exactly? A syllable is...
You're sure you know
what a syllable is?
Give a simple explanation. If you
give it to me it's bound to be simple.
What is a syllable?
You don't mind if I get a word in here,
do you? Go ahead. I'm getting hoarse.
A syllable is a sound.
How is the sound formed?
It's formed by letters placed in
juxtaposition one to the other.
See what I mean?
No, I'm telling you.
How many letters in the alphabet? About...
Not about. There's a definite
number. New rules, huh?
No, there's always been
a definite number.
Are they all alike? Nooo. Nooo.
I got that one in.
Of course!
There are consonants and vowels.
Can you name the consonants?
North America, South America,
Paterson, New Jersey.
No, the consonants are 21
in number and five vowels.
Twenty-eight? I was
close. No. Twenty-six.
What do you form?
Syllables form words,
words form sentences.
Then people talk or do what you've
been doing. What have I been doing?
Making a fool of yourself.
Trying to attack me, hey? Look!
After I treat you like a
gentleman, you get antagonistic.
I dare you to hit me
once more!
Oh, using both hands.
You ought to be ashamed.
Oh, trying to pull a knife.
Let me give you advice.
When a reporter asks you for an
interview, don't talk so much!
Me and
my big mouth.
We'd rather have a cute one
than a smart one.
Sit down, amigo.
Excuse me.
Come right in.
Senor, we are going to
show you the sights. Wow!
We will try to make your
stay a pleasant one. Wow!
Mary! I'm sorry. I
didn't know you were busy.
Don't go, Mary. Girls, do
your waitin' on the outside.
Go ahead. Vamos.
Andale, andale.
I'll see ya.
Mary, please don't believe
what you just saw.
When I was with them,
I was thinking of you.
Gosh, I'm glad you've
come to see me. Really?
I didn't think you'd be
anxious to see me again,
Mr. Joe Bascom,
alias Humphrey Fish!
Mary? Stop calling me Mary!
Here I'm known as Montana.
But Mary's such a grand
old name. Then you use it!
Me use it.
Mary Fish.
That don't sound good.
The guys... Oh, that's silly.
Oh, stop it!
I'm sorry.
Mary, if you
didn't like me,
why did you make me the Amigo
Americano? That was an accident.
When I saw you, I got so mad
I had to throw something!
And I thought you liked me. I like you.
Then will you please do me
a favor and get out of Mexico?
Joe, if you're arrested and they find
out I knew you, I'm in an awful mess.
Excuse me, please.
I'm sorry. I got
better manners than that.
Mr. Fish? I'm David
Winthrop from the embassy.
Come right in. Thank
you. I just dropped by...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.
I didn't know you knew each
other. This is Mar... Miss Montana.
Yes, I know.
How do you do?
I just came up to congratulate
the Amigo. I was just leaving.
Please don't go. I'd like to talk
to you. I'll only be a moment.
I dropped by to point out
that during your tour...
you will be an ambassador
of the United States.
Me an ambassador?
I'm only a little boy!
An ambassador of goodwill.
Your every move
will be watched.
The embassy didn't want
the tour to be a strain...
so we've taken the liberty of preparing
your speeches. Here's the one for Taxco.
Mr. Fish, do you think you can
deliver a speech? And why not?
I used to deliver newspapers
and they're heavier than this.
Shall we go,
Mr. Winthrop?
Allow me!
If there's anything else you want
to know, check with Mr. Lambert.
I can't locate him.
He's probably all tied up.
Wait a minute.!
Harry, do you think there's any
future in me being an ambassador?
I forgot.
Why didn't you tell me
you were goin' on a tour?
How could I say anything?
You had me hogtied!
What's the idea? I just wanted
to make sure that you hang around.
If I get pinched, I want to
make sure the cops get you too.
Wait a minute,
you birdbrain!
Thanks to me, they think
you're Humphrey Fish.
Before they can arrest you, they've
got to prove that you'reJoe Bascom.
I'm not gonna tell 'em.
Furthermore, just who
is this guyJoe Bascom?
You'll find out soon enough.
How am I gonna find out?
Look at here.
Did you ever see "Fish"
spelled with a "B"? Barracuda.
Don't give me that
That's expensive. Wait a minute. "J.B."
You can't show
those initials.
Why can't I?
You can't afford to.
You're Fish now, notJ.B. I'm Fish?
Let me see the inside
of your coat.
Take that coat off.
You want to get us in
trouble? Don't get so rough.
Look at this...
on the pocket, "J.B."
Wait. Have you got your
initials on your watch? No, sir.
That's fine. I got my full name on it.
Your full name? Can you
imagine that? Joe Bascom.
Don't break the watch. You
want to get us in trouble?
Harry, don't!
Get this.
"J.B." On your belt.
Take it off.
You can't haveJ.B. anywhere.
You want to expose us?
Take it off! Don't take...
Take the pants...
Now I got everything
with the initials J.B. on it.
Harry, I'm not sure, but it's
worth a look. What's the matter?
Take it off!
Come on. Get it off.
We can't take any chances.
Leave the arms on, Harry.
Never mind the arms.
Get out of my way. Hurry
up before anyone comes in.
I don't know what
you're excited about.
Ah viene
el senor americano.
A gift for the
senor americano.
That means thank you.
La canasta ms bonita
en todo Mxico. S, senor.
Look, a gift for
the senor americano.
Ah, gracias, gracias.
Harry, hold this.
Now what?
Ah, senor,
a gift for mi Amigo Americano.
Gracias, gracias.
De nada.
Everybody's giving
me gifts.
I too have a present
for the Amigo.
No, lady.
I only wanted to give him
this gift from my people.
Come on.
That's wonderful. Es usted pintor?
Gusta usted pintar a la senorita?
You'd like to paint?
Oh, I'd love to.
Andele, pues.
Thank you.
Pase usted.
Thank you, sir.
iNo, no, no, no.!
iA la senorita.!
Lo que ha pintado.
Stay with us.
You're all with the Amigo? Certainly!
For the senorita,
it is the best Taxco silver.
Thank you!
For you, a beautiful bracelet. Thank you.
That's wonderful!
That is pretty.
What wonderful craftsmen
they have in this country.
A short time ago, that was
just a hunk of silver ore.
Silver or what?
Silver ore!
It's gotta be
silver or something.
That's been lying in the ground
for thousands of years.
They dig it up and smelt it. In
the ground? No wonder it smells.
I wouldn't dig it up. I'd
dig it deeper. Down, down!
Put a pole and
stick it down in the dirt.
He's trying to tell you
that the ore is smelted.
What kind of
English is that?
Smelted means
smelted by a smelter.
When a smelter melts...
it smelts.
Does that penetrate? I'm
getting a whiff of it.
After it's smelted down,
it's made into beautiful
ornaments by a smith. By a Smith?
Couldn'tJones make it? Sure,
but he'd still be a smith.
How could Jones be a Smith? He's
gotta be a smith to make these.
Jones don't have to be a Smith. Definitely!
Why should Jones change his
name just to make these?
Didn't you ever go to school,
stupid? Yes. I come out the same way.
That's what I thought.
I used to go to school.
Look. You take a shovel
and go into the mine.
You locate the mother lode.
Then you strike the vein.
Just a minute. Don't go no further. Why?
Listen. I didn't mind it
when you told me...
a guy had to change his name from
Jones to Smith to make this stuff,
and when you said it was silver "or"...
and you refused to finish the sentence.
That goes
for you too!
I didn't mind any of that! Take it easy.
But when you said that I have to
go into a mine with a shovel...
and hit my mother in the vein
while she's carrying a load,
that is going too far!
Oh, it's you.
you did not comprend.
I have a gift.
This is an old secret
of my people.
We call it the
elixir of contentment.
Its fragrance
brings kindness.
Kindness brings
brings love.
With my people,
if a husband and wife...
or two sweethearts,
or friends quarrel,
they inhale the fragrance
and in one moment...
all is forgiven.
Does it
always work?
Vengan, children.
Humphrey, how many times have I
told you not to leave the party?
You know that's not fair!
I won't warn you again.
No matter, no matter...
Humphrey, did I raise my
voice to you? Yes, you did.
Please forgive me.
Hmm... I might!
I'm terribly sorry.
Come on, folks.
Come on, Humphrey.
Out to the car.
Amigo, Amigo.! This is
the car I told you about.
This is the automobile? S. Cmo no, entre.
For the Amigo Americano.
Come on in, Harry.
This is
my automobile.
Mr. Martinez tells me
this is a very expensive car.
500,000 pesos. That's
ridiculous. That's $100,000.
You know why? Because Mr. Gonzales,
the salesman, comes with the car.
Get the keys and let's get
going. "Get the keys... "
Come on! So I'll get the keys!
Mr. Gonzales, may I
have the keys please?
Thank you.
That's Mr. Gonzales.
Oh, Harry,
I'll never get that speech.
Let me have my money
and go home.
I told you I'd have
your money in a day or so.
He can't get the money
if you don't make a speech.
All right.
Excuse me.
Hello? It's for you. Thanks.
It's for you.
It's for you!
Who was it?
Wrong number.
Senor, cabal...
Please let Mr. Winthrop
make the speech.
Why worry? I've hired the
greatest elocution teacher.
He'll be here
to give you a lesson.
What do you worry for?
Did Abraham Lincoln worry when he
says his Gettysburg Address? Nah!
He says, "one score and...
" two score? No, no. Four.
This kid don't know the score
and she's trying to make a speech.
That must be him now.
Come right in. Good evening,
senor. I'm Professor Ganzmeyer.
My hat, my cane.
Your first elocution lesson
will be $10. Not me. Him.
For him it will be $20. What are
you doing with my cane and hat?
We'll have to hurry.
He's got to make a speech.
You cannot expect me to
teach him in one lesson.
He will know as much
in one lesson as 50.
Inmediatamente, senorita.
Prontsimo. Muy encantado de verla.
Not her! Him! Oh, too bad. Hold my gloves.
Let's see if you are equipped
for public speaking. Watch.
What are you doing
with my gloves?
Nose, uh-huh.
Mouth, uh-huh.
Larynx, uh-huh.
Oh, bueno.!
Very good tone
in the lower register.
Take a deep breath and
hold it for five minutes.
Five minutes? It's easy. Five minutes.
Call me in
five minutes.
You cheated, you blew out. I
had to blow out or I'd blow up!
Good speaking is a
matter of good breathing.
Inhale and then exhale.
Watch me. Like this.
Harry! Come back here, come back here.
I show it
to you again.
All beginning is difficult,
but you learn.
Inhale then exhale...
like this.
What happened? Oh, how do you
do? Never mind. The lesson.
How can I teach you to make a
speech when you do not listen to me?
Open your mouth. Stick
out your tongue, further!
It's all right on this side.
Now turn it over.
Now open your mouth wide
and say "aaaaaaaa. "
Say it.
Open your mouth wide
and say "aaaaaaaa. "
Say it!
Spit it out!
iAy, caramba.!
You don't breathe right!
Say it! How can I say it
with your hand over my mouth?
I would like
to see you inhale.
Look, hombre, I'll
teach you how to breathe.
Suck in the air like this.
And it goes through nose,
mouth, larynx, diaphragm.
Nose, mouth, larynx,
Nose, mouth, larynx,
diaphragm. Please, please.
No, no, no!
Listen to the professor.
Never mind.
Your diaphragm, your chest.
Diaphragm, chest,
diaphragm, chest.
Are you ticklish? Only
around the fryin' pan.
Where is the speech?
The speech?
The speech.
I never did get to read the speech.
It's in my other coat. Well, get it.
I'll get it. Just a
minute. Stay right here.
How can I teach you to make a
speech when you do not listen?
You must breathe properly.
All breathing is difficult.
All I want you to do
is inhale, then exhale.
First, inhale.
No, no, no.
Listen to the professor.
Would you care for a drink? Gracias, senor.
Is that it?
"Embassy of the United States. "
That's it.
Go on. Read.
Yes, sir.
"Mexico is the land
of golden opportunity.
Its ferteel valleys... "
Not ferteel.
Emphasize the "F."
"Mexico is the land
of golden opportunity.
Its fertile valleys and touring
mountains... " No, no, no.
Whoever heard of
touring mountains?
Its towering
"Towering mountains...
and its abu...
abububub... "
Not abububub.!
What's the
next word?
How dare you!
I'm your elocution teacher.
I'm trying to make a living, and
you say plains... plains. I'm sorry.
I accept your apology. Let's
have some wine. Yes, sir.
Remember. In vino veritas:
"In wine is truth. "
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a remarkable country.
But enough for
fertile valleys,
towering mountains
and abundant plains.
Another of nature's precious
gifts to this great land...
is its vast
mineral wealth.
Hundreds of millions have been
taken out of the silver mines.
But there's still more
where those millions came from.
Private surveys show that even though
many of these mines were abandoned...
modern equipment can still
produce more millions from them.
This is truly
the land of opportunity.
Before I close, I would like
to take a fine statement...
from one of your statesmen
of many years back,
Pedro de la Cruz Franco
Poncho-la Wa Wa...
from Chihuahua,
who said these never
to be forgotten words...
quote... I thank you...
Lambert, I'm ready to do
business on that mine...
Mr. Lambert, you spoke
to me about a silver mine...
Mr. Lambert, I'd like a
chance to bid on that mine.
If you're prepared to issue stock,
I'd write a check immediately.
There's no rush. Perhaps
you'll consider a partnership?
I have holdings in South
America. We'll talk that over.
Mr. Lambert and I were on
the verge of closing a deal.
Mr. Clark, gentlemen,
I want to be fair and square.
Share and share alike.
No doubt you're all going to
Acapulco on the Amigo Americano Tour.
We'll see that you all share
equally in this bonanza.
Pretty little thing.
With all the tourists,
boy, we'll hit the jackpot!
The last time you used this machine, I got
in trouble. This machine will get you out.
I don't think anything's
gonna get me out. Why worry?
I let you buy the ink. Yes, sir.
To clean up that mess in Iowa, I'm
giving you 50% of the profits, am I not?
To prove I'm on the level,
I've got the mine in your name.
That's got me worried.
Putting the mine in my name.
Wait. You sold oil stock
without having an oil well.
But here you have a real silver mine!
There's one thing I'd like to ask.
What is that?
Is this on the level?
Are you an honest man?
You bet your life I am.
Would an honest man make phony
stock? He certainly would not.
Who made this? Who signed it? Me... I did.
Then it's got to be on
the level. That's right.
Sign the rest of them and remember
your name is Humphrey Fish.
How can I
ever forget it?
Well, my sales force!
Come right in.
Hello, Mr. Lambert.
Hi, Mr. Lambert.
Finest little sales force
this side of the border.
How'd we do today?
We did wonderful.
Get a load of this!
Great idea hiring girls
instead of men.
That's what I call
using psychology.
That's beautiful
Well, girls,
here's a new batch.
There you are.
Good luck to you.
Senor, would you like
to buy some stock?
Oh. Stock?
That's $100.
That'll be four shares.
Thank you, senor.
Get a load of that.
I no more than turn my back
and she makes a sale.
They belong on the desk.
What are you doing with 'em?
Remember, for every five shares you
sell, you get one share for yourselves.
Understood? On your way.
Good luck.
Boy, oh, boy!
Give me that! I'm supposed
to take charge of the money.
Do you want some smooth-talking
crook to take it from you?
No, that's why I'm gonna keep
it. Watch out for that dough.
I'm very busy today, Harry.
Don't worry about the money.
I'm warning you!
See you later, Harry.
I've got to find a place to hide
this money so Harry don't find it.
Behind the mirror! Good idea.
Hurry up!
Oh, Harry,
no fair peeking!
I can read the lines. You got
troubles, no? I got troubles, yes!
Dagmar, find out where the Amigo
Americano has hidden that dough.
What's the big hurry? More
money's coming in. I can't wait.
Uh-huh! Maybe it's going
to be a little double-cross.
Maybe you steal the money and...
take it on the scram.
You've got me
all wrong.
I just don't trust that guy. Ah, sure.
You're just like Gus Adamson,
nice and honest.
Okay. I'll find out tonight.
That's swell. I knew you'd do it.
Stop it!
Please stop it.
Stop it.
Stop the music.
Stop it!
Stop the music,
will ya?
As I stand beneath
your window
I wish
I were a bird
I would fly
into your window
If you would say
the word
Then we'd fly away
And we'd build
a little nest
Just tell me
that you're willing
And love will do
the rest
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me
do you hate me
Should I stay
or should I go
Here am I
with my love
Waiting all aglow
Is it yes
Or is it
Oh I'm really out
to get you
No matter where
you'll be
And the moment that
I'll get you
I'll never let
you be
Bring your heart out
in the open
Oh, there you are, Amigo!
Try and hide it
if you can
You are looking at
a woman
Who's out to get
her man
ooo-a ooo-a
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me, do you hate me
should I stay or go Stop it, stop it.
My life all depends how the
wind will blow Stop the music.
Is it yes or is... Please stop the samba.
Please don't let 'em
play the samba.
'Cause my life
all depends
How the wind
will blow
Is it yes
Or is it no
Fellas, please.
Quiet, will you, fellas?
No more samba.
Please, fellas, quiet.
I've got two arms
to hold you
To hold you here
Tell me what have
you got arms for, huh
Unless to hold me tight Oh, don't.
Darling, what would be
your answer
If I begged you
for a kiss
Ah, you wouldn't
have to answer
If you could feel
like this
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me, do you hate me
should I stay or go Stop the music.
Do we do, do we don't
turn the lights down low
Is it yes
Or is it no
So it's you. You take a
shortcut? Kiss me, my little fish.
You have set my blood on fire.
I'll call the fire department.
All day I try to control
myself, but it's no use.
Kiss me.
I got my good name to think
about... two names to think about.
Come on.
Make like this.
Like a prune,
Was you a bugler in the Girl
Scouts? Come on! Come on!
Don't you know Dagmar
is crazy nuts for you?
Kiss me. Kiss me!
Oh, oh.
What's the matter?
Do I affect you this way?
Dagmar? Dagmar!
My hand.
Why don't you
leave me alone?
I'm in a hurry to get to the
fiesta. You're handsome...
I'm like putty in your hands.
Come on. Kiss me.
No. If I was to kiss you,
you'd lose your respect for me.
But Dagmar is crazy mad
for you!
For you I would slave.
I would work my bones
to the fingers.
I would
sew on buttons.
A torn pocket
I would mend.
A ripped lining
I would fix.
Your suits I would keep
nice and ironed.
I would make everything
Always in order,
the pillows I would keep.
An extra pillow for your
head to rest on, I would have.
The pillows I would always
keep puffed for you.
Look, under the cushions, dust.!
This I would not stand for.
Your couch, look!
A tear!
I would have everything
the best for you!
I don't mean to be inquisitive. Uh-huh.
Neither do I wish
to be impolite,
but what
are you doing?
I'm doing all this
for love.
Just for one little kiss. I need you! No.
I'm a woman
of determination.
When I make up my mind what
I want... what I want, I get.
And what I want
is a kiss.
No. Always you say "no.
" I'm not good enough?
You are stuck on yourself! I am not.!
So there! I know. There is another woman.
No, there isn't. And every time
you look at me, you think of her.
Oh... no!
You don't want to hurt her,
but you constantly hurt me.
Dagmar, I don't want
to hurt you.
If anyone's gonna get hurt,
it's gonna be me.
Why don't you
make love to me?
I'd like to... but I feel like
something's holding me back.
Dagmar, how am I ever
gonna know when I'm in love?
Ahh, you will know.
It strikes you when
you least expect it.
Something great
will hit you!
Did love hit me!
It was a whopper. And I thought
I would feel it right here.
And to prove how much I love
you, I will tell you something.
Do you know that Harry Lambert is
after your money? That's why I hid it.
He's a pretty smart fellow.
He may have found it already.
Where did you hide it? I hid it...
Come with me.
Dagmar, do you love me? Mm-hmm.
Will you clean up this
mess... please? All right.
Thank you.
"See map in
center drawer. "
Dagmar, I've got some news for you. What?
I'm smarter than Harry Lambert.
Little Amigo is smart like foxes.
I better go now. Dagmar, there's
something I gotta tell you.
I don't want you to think
that I'm selfish or a miser.
Sit down. Sit down.
You know what?
I'm gonna give you that
kiss. I've changed my mind.
I've changed my mind too. You
know, your blood... she's "on fire"?
I'm gonna
put it out!
I've kissed
many men before,
but never, never have
I felt so gay, so light!
It was electrifying,
wasn't it?
There's nobody here.
What's the...
The fiesta awaits the Amigo. Excuse me.
Dagmar, I must go.
The fiesta awaits.
But while I'm gone...
water these.
Girls, let's go.
Boy, are we gonna have fun!
Mr. Winthrop, what are you doin'
in Acapulco? Can I talk to you?
You sure can.
Girls, you run along.
We're gonna have a fiesta.
That's Spanish for clambake.
You can't do this.
Wait. I know my rights.
I want to lodge a complaint.
I'll do the talking.
Your picnic is over.
Photographs of the Amigo Americano
landed in the Iowa newspapers.
My picture was in the paper?
Will my mama be proud!
They're also hanging in
Iowa post offices... Good!
Mr. Joe Bascom!
Joe Bascom.
David, what's this
all about?
I don't suppose you knew
this man was Joe Bascom.
I did, David... You
three had it figured out.
Make Bascom the Amigo
Americano. That was an accident.
In Taxco, instead of his prepared
speech, he makes your swindler's spiel.
You had the job of
keeping me out of the way.
Mr. Winthrop, you're all wrong
about Miss Montana. Never mind, Joe.
I'm afraid I was all wrong
about Mr. Winthrop. Skip it.
You both sound as phony
as that stock. Stock?
The joke is on you.
That stock is good.
I know because
I made it myself.
I got my fountain pen and signed
with my own little hand.
Harry, you tell 'em.
You've already told 'em.
Now you'll have
to tell it to a judge.
Tell it to a judge?
Harry, isn't
that stock any good?
So you... did it again.
You low-down crook!
Why do you do it to me?
Look, Mr. Winthrop,
Montana and me didn't know.
I saved every cent so we could
give it back to the people in Iowa.
He thought he was smart,
but I outsmarted him.
I got the money.
I hid the mo...
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
I got the money hidden
in the drapery.
The drapery?
The money?
The money's gone.
The money.
Dagmar. Dagmar!
She's gone too.
I gotta get Dagmar.
Take it easy.
You're not going anywhere.
I've gotta get Dagmar.
That's the only way I can
prove I'm telling the truth.
I'm sick of playing games with you
guys. iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Hold it a minute,
Let him go.
They're calling for you. Go out
on the balcony and take a bow.
Hold off until the end of Amigo Americano
Week tomorrow. We can't risk the scandal.
Do we let them go to Mexico
City? I think you'd better.
They'll expect to see her there
with the Amigo.
Okay, Mr. Winthrop,
you're the boss.
Mason, go out there
with the Amigo. Yes, sir.
Come on in, Bascom,
the shouting's ov...
Hey, Tim, Mr. Winthrop!
Come here. He's gone.
How long do I have
to wear this jewelry?
Until we catch up with
your little fat friend.
Then we'll turn you over
to the Mexican authorities.
When they're through,
they'll turn you back to us.
This would have to happen.
I'll take care of it.
Get your things out.
I'll help you.
Here comes the tamale wagon,
and I'm starved! Me too!
That sounds
all right to me.
Hey, senora.!
No, senora,
wait a minute!
Wait a minute. All we
want is something to eat.
What have you got
to eat?
I'll have an enchilada and
tortilla. Sounds good to me.
Three enchiladas and tortillas.
S, senora.
While we're waitin', we might
as well finish that tire.
Joe Bascom?
No, Humphrey Fish.
Who do you think you're kidding with
this outfit? Me no speak-a English.
Well, I do!
I've got a good mind to turn you
over to those cops. You wouldn't dare.
Then find a way of
getting us out of this. No!
I hope they put you in jail and
give you life... and 30 days besides.
I hope you have to pay a $2 fine
too. You'll be in the same cell.
what am I gonna do?
I'm just a poor,
helpless old woman...
bending over
a hot stove,
baking my hot tortillas
and my enchiladas.
Oh, never mind that.
My enchiladas.
We've gotta get out of
here. Get outta here.
Find Dagmar and get that dough.
There must be some way.
I've got it!
Wouldn't it seem strange...
that your wonderful cooking should cause
these policemen some internal discomforts?
Would make 'em sick too. You're a genius.
I think I am too.
What's the matter?
What are you doin'?
What are you cooking?
Fix up your stuff.
Fix up your stuff.
Go ahead.
Keep your hand off the stove,
you dummy!
Kay-enny, Kay-enny.
Cayenne, cayenne.
Kay-enny. Kay-enny. All
right, call it what you want.
Hot peppers. Ooo! I can smell 'em.
Pepper. Pepper. Put it on.
All right, all right.
No-no. Shh.
Hold your nose,
hold your nose!
All right? Swell.
Phew, hmm!
Take it easy,
take it easy.
Are you all right?
Easy. Oh, boy!
All right.
Put it back.
Come on.
Get me up.
Get me up!
Get up.
Put it back in the pot.
Put it
back in the pot.
Roll it up. Roll it up!
Roll this one up.
Well, are they all ready? Pretty near.
Looks good, eh?
Smells delicious!
Okay, bright eyes,
you try the first one.
Go ahead.
Smells delicious.
You're first.
Go ahead.
No, no, senora.
Make us up a fresh batch
and go easy on the hot stuff.
What does she say? Wants you to
make a little one for yourself.
Same to you.
It'll be ready
in a minute.
Ah! Pepper!
Nice work.
Senor, you are
rotten trombone player.
Please keep the tempo
with us.
When I give you the
downbeat, play! All right.
On the downbeat,
you play.
Ha! Here.
When I give you the downbeat, play. Okay.
Okay! Okay, okay.
You are also one
rotten piccolo player!
Play it in English so I can
understand what's going on.
I'm paying you a lot of money,
all your musicians.
Play the way I play.
That would be impossible!
"That would be impossible!"
Sorry, senor,
no msica, please.
Play, gypsies, play.
You stick with her. I'll wait
for Winthrop. Don't worry, chief.
If those guys try to get
near her, I'll nab 'em.
They might be dressed up
like the Queen of the May.
I could spot that
little fat goat...
even if he was made up like one
of these mariachi players. Yeah.
Stop the music.
No, senor, I not Beethoven
or Tchaikovsky.
Maybe I never play in the
concert hall of Paris or London,
but some things a poor musician
cannot do... not even for money.
Come, amigos.!
Senor, perdneme.
maneja, el toro...
Where can I find, "Get out
of my way"? Try page 28.
Twenty-eight, thank you.
You're welcome.
Where is that money you
claimed Dagmar took? Huh?
Where is that money? Money? Wait... money.
Oh, never...
Come on. Come on!
Now, Bascom, where is that
money? Dagmar's got it.
That's a lie. I searched her
apartment and it wasn't there.
Where's the money?
I don't know, but I'm gonna
find it before you do!
What's up, Chief? Bascom.
He's here somewhere.
There he is!
There he goes.
Bascom, come back here.
I've seen rodeos in the States, but
never any clowns like this fellow.
Many of our charlotada
are fine bullfighters
in their own right.
Come along quietly,
Go on.
Go on.!
Go on.
Go on!
Just don't sit there.
Do something!
Okay, senores,
let's play.
Stop the music.
Hey! Hey!
Stop the music,
let me outta here.
Tell me where Dagmar is.
There's bulls all over.
That thing chasing me
ain't no kangaroo.
Hey. Hey! Hey!
Fish? Fish!
I've been looking for you. You stole
my money. I didn't steal it, darling.
I only took it so Harry Lambert
wouldn't get it.
Well, where is it?
See you later!
Here, Fish, catch!
Dagmar, Bascom tells me
you've got the dough.
Not now, wise guy. I tried to
give it back to my little Fish.
Now the bull's got it. The money's
in the hat. In the hat? Joe!
Joe, the money's
in the hat.
In the hat.
Get it back.
The money's in the hat.
Look where the hat is.
It's gotta be in one of
those things sticking up there.
I told you to get the hat,
didn't I? He won't give it to me.
Don't let him think you're
afraid. Show him who's boss.
He knows who's boss. Listen,
make him think that you're brave.
Go out there
like a toreador,
face him like a picador and
fight him like a matador.
And they'll carry me out
like a cuspidor. Get the hat!
Quit stalling, Joe.
Step up to him.
Look him square in the eye.
Aaah! Come back with that hat!
Lambert, come back here
with that hat!
You can have it!
Give me back that hat! No.
I want that money.
Give me the money.!
Are you all right?
Thanks a lot, fellows.
Mr. Winthrop?
Mr. Winthrop.!
Boy, is
that bull tired.
Me too.
Every dollar is here,
Thanks to Bascom, we'll be able
to make complete restitution.
There's no dope
like an honest dope.
You could've held out enough
money to get us to South America.
Why you... "pff. "
Don't you "pff" me!
My "pff" is
as good as your "pff. "
Keep your "pff" to yourself! "Pff-pff"!
Joe, you're wonderful.
You made David realize how
wrong he's been. He apologized.
Bascom, in order to make amends to you,
I'll see to it no charges are pressed.
Well, that leaves me in the clear.
We can forget 'em in Iowa too.
I feel like
a little lover.
Oh, Dagmar.
You smell beautiful.
What is that perfume?
Kiss of Love. $25 an ounce. Smell this.
Mmm, that's good. What is it?
Ketchup, ten cents a bottle.
Say "I love you," Joe. Huh?
Say "I love you,"
I love you, Joe.
It ain't gonna work. We're
both in love with the same guy.
I love you, Joe.
That's me.
Dagmar, I'm gonna give you a
kiss that... oh, what a kiss.