MICerz (2021) Movie Script

[light dramatic music]
I've actually lost a lot of
friends in music and comedy
to substance abuse
and it, and it kills me, man,
because you don't need
drugs. You really don't.
I am living proof
that you can destroy
your life completely
sober, guys, I am.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not trying to brag,
I just never let drugs
and alcohol come between
me and failure, okay?
It's mine, all right?
I have achieved this on my own.
No help from drugs!
[uplifting rock music]
The thought of you waiting
For someone
Turn your back
On this hating
Turn your back
On this hating
Before I forget
It took so long
Turn your back
On this waiting
Turn your back
On this waiting, yeah
I also took this
time during COVID
and the social distancing
to come out the closet.
I'm Black. Don't let
anyone ever
make you feel like it's
a choice.
- Yo.
- What's up, boss?
Hey, uh, dude, I've been
trying to get up on stage
for like a couple of months now.
Do you think you can
like help me out?
- Um...
- What you got, bro?
Kind of embarrassing.
- Two dollars?
- Yeah.
What the fuck, man?
Fuck it, you're on deck, man.
- All right.
- Name?
Arnold? Arnold Wilson.
- Gotcha, bro.
- Thanks. I got... I'll... get you.
Tip the fucking
bartender, bro.
[light music]
All right, everybody,
that was Philly Ricin.
Give it up for Philly.
All right.
Next up coming to the stage,
we have... big spender...
Arnold Wilson! Give it up
for Arnold.
[host clapping]
Arnold Wilson, let's go!
[host, quietly] Where the fuck
is this guy?
Do you wanna go up?
[light music]
Hey, for
- [both] Benjamin?
- Cool. Jinx.
You from LA?
From Dayton, Ohio.
Middle of nowhere.
Kinda like if all the meth
in America got together and...
created a town.
- You an actor?
- No. Uh...
I actually moved
here to try to do comedy.
You kind of look
like a comedian.
[Arnold chuckles]
Oh yeah, that's good.
Oh, yeah, you want a bump?
Uh... Nah, I...
I shouldn't, man. Um...
Eh, fuck it. Why not?
Line it up.
Let's fucking do this.
[door opens]
Two minutes!
Piss in the bathroom
or outside, I don't give a shit!
There's two fucking minutes!
Oh, Rob. Good to see ya.
[metal music]
I'm so sorry!
I promise I'll pay you back
everything I owe you.
I'm so sick of this.
We were supposed to do shit
when we moved out here.
I didn't come here to pay
your rent and bail you out.
I pay rent; I want...
I want to pay rent.
Can you just listen?
Last night was an accident.
It's not like this
happens every da.
Drunk driving when your only
source of income is driving
- is not an accident.
- I didn't drink.
In my car, nonetheless.
Now your license is revoked.
What are you gonna do?
Can you just relax and just
like stop being so emotional?
- Fuck you, Arnold.
- What?
Are you kidding?
Hey! Hey, hey. Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry. Will you just listen?
I'm sorry. I'll take my stuff
and I'll take the van and I'll
go stay at a friend's.
You need to stay here.
You don't have any friends.
Oh, okay.
All right, thank you very much.
I appreciate that, man.
It's good to see you guys.
Great to be here doing comedy,
mainly 'cause I spent the last
decade of my life
playing in a bunch of bands that
have failed frickin' miserably!
But it's all right.
I'm working through it.
I just wish there
was a support group called
Rockaholics Anonymous.
That way you can be like,
"So, just completed step
four of my recovery."
That's just where you have
to stop snorting lines of ants
off of Sunset Boulevard...
Step six is being funny.
Yeah, and step six
is figuring out
what fucking look it is
you're going for, man.
You can't be fat and a hipster
at the same time.
- Fuck you, lesbian.
- I might look like a lesbian,
but it's a hell of a lot better
than that whole
lumber-sexual thing
that you got going on, bro.
It was 95 degrees
in Los Angeles today, okay?
You've got a beard,
a flannel with skinny jeans.
What, you want us to believe you're gonna
go chop wood in Silverlake after this,
dressed as fucking
Paul Bunyan's gay stepson?
- [laughing]
- They're laughing at you, yeah!
Why don't you try
saying something to me
- without a microphone, dick?
- Bro, hey, I'm just
- trying to do my job, man.
- Hey, get the fuck
- outta here dude.
- Oh my God.
- Jesus Christ.
- The fuck is wrong with you,
- you fuck?
- Dude, oh my God!
- Fuck you, dude.
- Yeah. [laughs]
Dude, it's a good
thing you're here.
I didn't feel like
murdering somebody tonight.
- [Arnold] Yeah.
- I can't afford to get arrested
with my career peaking
like it is, you know?
[chuckles] Maybe not
with the whole...
lesbian Kevin Bacon thing you
got going on, but uh...
That's pretty funny.
You got me on that, yeah.
- [Arnold] Yeah.
- Yeah [laughs]
Hey... You should try to get
on stage, man.
You should do it. If you're
thinking about it, just do it.
I mean, sometimes... I do sign
up for open mics, but...
Nah, I'm fucking chicken shit.
Second my name gets called,
I run out of there. It's embarrassing.
You're telling me
that you have no problem
breaking up a fight between
two total strangers,
but you're too afraid
to go on stage?
So, uh... Where's your ride?
I'm actually... uh, parked
down the street.
I can give you a ride
over there.
Nah, I'm good, man.
I'm cool to walk, yeah.
It's no big deal,
I'll give you a ride.
I'm not gonna try
to have sex with you.
Jesus, what are you,
homeless or something?
Dude, are you homeless?
I'm... [sighs]
Listen, can you just...
fuck off right now?
- I just don't want to talk.
- Hey, it... It's nothing to worry about,
- I can give you a ride.
- Dude, fuck off! Okay?
- Okay.
- Fuck!
You don't fucking know me.
[soft music]
[engine hisses, rattles]
- [engine not starting]
- Fucking! [indistinct]
Fucking stupid...
[loudly knocking]
Fuck, all right!
One knock is enough.
[man] Look, buddy, there's
no sleeping out here.
I've got landlords...
- Oh, fuck.
- Holy shit!
Rapey van guy!
Oh my God, kicking you
out of here is
- definitely going in my spank bank tonight.
- All right.
- Man, I'm sorry about last night.
- You should be.
Yeah, it was my
fault, I know that.
But my van broke down
and I had nowhere to go.
Tough shit, asshole.
Beat it.
Hey man, you think I really
want to be
parked next to this fucking
This is a place of business.
Fuck! We have a restroom!
Griff, we are right next
to a 7-Eleven for Christ's sake.
Show some damn respect!
You! Get the fuck out of here!
Right now. God dammit!
Hey, man. I don't have anywhere
to fucking go.
Can you fuck off
somewhere else?
Runnin' a business here.
[muffled metal music]
All right, you guys ready
to get this open mic going?
Yes, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
Explosion! Oh my God,
it's good to be here.
It's good to see you guys, man.
- [audience member] Yeah!
- Yes,
that's what I'm talking about.
Thank you, let's do... Ah, man,
it's so good to be out
here in North Hollywood, man.
Love North Hollywood.
Not as sexy
as the rest of Los Angeles.
You want to talk
to some hot girls?
Not happening! No hot chicks!
But you want to get
your tires rotated,
we got 75 different
places to choose from,
right here on this
street alone, okay?
You want to meet
some famous people?
Not happening! No famous
people, man. None whatsoever.
But you wanna trade
your car for scrap metal,
we got 175 different
places to choose from
within a two-block
radius. It's beautiful.
Aw man, you want to
get some good food?
- Actually we do have some good food out here. We do.
- [audience member] Oh!
We do, yeah. As long
as your idea of good food
is an H&R Block
fucking Taco Bell!
- Explosion! Yes!
- [man in crowd hoots]
Thank you, guys. I don't
even really have an ending
for that joke yet,
so we're just gonna
get this open mic going, guys.
Oh yeah, let's do this!
Let's welcome to the stage
our first performer.
Coming up here, I love this
guy, you know him, you love him,
the one, the only,
Amir Kalil! Yes!
- Amir, get on up here, baby.
- [crowd cheers]
- Good to see you.
- [man in audience] Ah, he brought an instrument!
[man clapping]
[soft acoustic music]
Ooh, yeah, yeah
- Wooh hoo hoo
- [audience laughing]
Listen, guys, I'm actually
mixed race
with Black and Arabic,
and it really does
come out in my singing.
This is what it sounds like.
Baby, ooh, yeah
So I grew up the daughter
of a Russian immigrant.
And let me tell you,
she critiqued everything.
Anyways, this one day
I come home from school
and I'm really upset
because this girl has
made up rumors about me.
Anyway, so I go to my
mother and I'm crying,
"Mama, she said, I'm a slut,
she said I'm a whore."
And my mother, she looks at
me and she's really offended.
And she says to me, "Sveta,
why you care who say you slut,
who say you whore?
What matters is I know
you fucking prostitute-ka."
- [audience laughing]
- [man] Oh my God, real comedy!
So much better
than the other girl!
Thank you guys all so much.
This is actually
my last show tonight.
I've booked a recurring role
on Improv Tonite.
So I'm gonna have an audience
larger than five people.
Check me out on Instagram!
- Well, I mean, you said three minutes?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we just did five.
Minutes that actually work.
Yeah, we kinda bypass
that, you see this?
- We got all these followers right here.
- [man] Yeah.
[Woman] Mm, how long did you say
you were doing comedy again?
- Well, we just started like a month...
- Oh, yeah, about a month.
We're models, influencers,
for uh...
honestly, probably the dopest
vegan shaving cream
startup in the city.
- Right, right.
- Yeah, how does that work?
Well, okay, so like,
if you're gonna do a
vegan alternative, right?
You gotta do something that
is both sexy and empowering.
So that's kind of
where we come in.
He brings the empowering,
I bring the sexy.
- Yup.
- Yup.
Oh, how...
Um, I, uh...
I would love to sit
here and talk more...
- Yeah, please do.
- About
the vegan sour cream company...
Shaving cream.
- Sorry...
- That you guys got going.
- It's shaving cream.
- It's shaving cream.
It's a shaving cream company.
- Shaving cream.
- Sorry, I've never heard somebody say that, it's crazy.
Shaving cream company
y'all are putting together,
love to stay here and talk more
about that, but I gotta run.
And Devontae? Aren't you signed
up at Bomb Shelter tonight?
- Fuck.
- Right.
Nice to meet y'all, good
luck with everything.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...
- Yeah, bye.
- Nicole, right?
- Take care.
- Nelly.
- Nelly?
- Nelly, Nelly.
- Nelly.
What's up with your girl?
It's a tough crowd, but
I feel like she killed it.
No, no. I'm talking about like...
what's good with her, right?
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, no.
All right, guys. Next up,
none of us are actually sure
whether this guy is
really funny or not,
but let's keep it going
for the one, the only,
Griff Frickin' Pippin! Yes!
Just a bunch of motherfuckers
tellin' some truth!
- Yeah!
- [Man In Crowd] Yeah!
Yeah! Woo!
You know what I hate?
you know what fucking sucks?
Car... Car insurance, Goddammit.
I fucking hate it. They bend
you right over
and they fuck you in the ass!
And you know what?
You don't even have
to have car insurance.
Do you know that?
You could just drive around
without car insurance.
You could drive around. As long
as you take care of yourself,
you don't have to fucking
have car insurance.
So, fuck all of you.
Have a good night!
Next up, the only one of
us actually making a living
off of comedy right now, no...
- [Griff] Fuck!
- Yeah, maybe next year, Pippin.
All right, not even sure why
this guy still comes here,
but it's always great
to have the him.
The one, the only,
Dante Chang, guys.
- Yeah!
- Dante Chang, what's goin' on, baby?
- Holy shit, that's the biggest catfish I've ever seen.
- [crowd laughing]
Griff, shut the
fuck up. You know why?
Because... You know...
You're a white man from the waist up,
- but you're a black woman from the waist down.
- [crowd hooting]
People say the most racist
things to me, you know?
Other day, dude was like,
"Do your people really
eat dog and shit?"
It's messed up. Whenever
I go to my friend's house,
they hide their dog and shit.
You can hear it scratching
[mimics scratching]
It's like, "Hey
man, you got a dog?"
"No, dude, I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about."
Then it barks, "Woof!"
"You do have a dog.
It's okay, man, I got
a dog too."
They're like, "Is
it in your freezer?"
Like, "No, man,
it's in the oven."
[crowd laughs]
[man] So this is where
you go where...
you're good, or...
you just getting started?
I think it's where you
come when you, like really...
When you want to...
Get in for this.
When you want to sit
aggressively close to people,
this is where you come.
Say that again?
Could you say
that one more time?
Forget it.
Next up, you know
him, you love him,
the one, the only...
- He goes by Just Kyle, guys. Give it up...
- [man in crowd] For real?
- Yes, Kyle. Kyle, get up here.
- What the fuck...
- [man1] Aw, what the fuck?
- [man2] This sucks!
So I visited my grandma
the other day, and...
You know, she's always
criticizing me.
She was like, "Kyle,
your shoes are dirty.
Kyle, your shirt is wrinkled.
Maybe you should
iron more often."
And I told her like,
"Grandma, you need to iron
your face."
[Griff] Wow!
What, you guys don't...
Don't have grandmas?
This guy looks
like a fucking programmer
that just did a bunch of meth.
I may look like I do meth,
but I'm definitely
not a programmer.
Next up, we got the one, the
only, Devontae Green, everybody!
Jesus Christ, agai?
Goddamn, man.
Well, there goes our only full
black comic of the night, guys.
So, she really comes
here and does comedy...
- The mic...
- She's supposed to be funny,
-Yep. Well, yeah.
There's differences of opinion
of what funny is.
I... For instance, I saw
Some... Someone clapped
during your routine.
Nah, that's like saying
that you don't see color.
Hey, man.
That was the most metal shit
I've ever fucking seen.
Creepy van guy!
Ah, you're still here.
Dude, can you just give me
the night to figure out my van
- and I'll be gone in the morning?
- Hard pass.
Place of business. Can't run
a hotel on the side.
Dude, look, I'm just...
I'm just looking for a little
fucking understanding.
Dude, if I let you stay here,
then every comic in Los Angeles
is gonna be like,
"Oh, hey Dave, why can't
I just stay there too
- like that one guy does?"
- Dude, this isn't the fucking Ritz Carlton, man.
I think you're okay.
If your van isn't gone
by lockup,
I'm going to have
your van towed.
I shoulda let that
fucking hillbilly
pick his fucking teeth with you.
Running a business ain't
for the tenderhearted.
How fucking tenderhearted do you
think the cops would be if...
I don't know, they saw
the one, two, three, uh...
Just those fire hazards
I can see
off the top of my fucking head?
All right. What do you want?
Let me fix 'em.
I'm not as dumb
as I fucking look.
Let me... Let me fix
the place up.
Just give me like a week
or two tops
to figure out my van shit.
This place will be better,
and you won't even know I'm here.
- Okay.
- Oh, man! Really?
No! Oh, my God!
Bro, I, unlike you,
have landlords.
- I share this lot with other businesses...
- Oh, God!
And... and...
Yeah, I know. You'll fucking
tow me if I'm not gone.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, bam!
Explosion! Yes, you've got it!
Ah, my God.
[soft music]
Hey. Um...
Yeah. It's me. Uh...
I'm not doing so hot
right now, and um...
can I crash at your place?
Hang up the phone!
- Hey, can I call you back?
- God...
You were just groveling.
Don't you understand?
If you go back to her now,
she freaking owns you, man!
I don't see... What other
options do I have?
I can't let...
another man...
become... a bitch.
This society... does nothing...
but try to say every ounce of
masculinity that we have away from us.
We are men. We do men shit.
You will not go crawling
back to that woman.
God! Dang it!
- I won't?
- No! She broke your heart.
Didn't call you for months,
lied about her
parents liking you
when you knew that
they hated you. Despite the fact
that you complemented
their roast chicken,
which tastes like burnt pubes!
- You can fix the place up, okay?
- Ahhh!
Just promise me you won't
go crawling back to her.
She's the woman. She comes
crawling back to yo, the man.
- This is man time.
- Yeah.
- Man time.
- Right.
- Man time!
- Yeah, got it.
- Man time!
- Yeah, cool.
Man! Say it!
- Man time, man time.
- Man time, man time.
Okay, yes. I feel like...
Yes, whatever you say. I feel
like a lot of that wasn't...
- Direc... Directed at me, and...
- Good.
kind of sounded like a 1950s
marriage counselor,
but yes. Yes.
Yes, anything. I'm...
- Thank you. I will not let you down.
- Good...
- Whatever you need. I'm here.
- You gotta couple of weeks.
Okay, yeah.
- All right, last thing.
- Yeah?
No dick fucking around.
This is a place of business.
Okay. Done.
Oh, what the fuck?
Did that just fuck...
[Arnold groaning] Those are my
clean fucking socks.
God damn it!
Hey, yo. My dude, uh...
You really think that this
is the, uh...
the best spot for you to have
your little...
uh, nervous breakdown?
Ah... Just doing some spring
cleaning on my home, so.
You one of them white people
where the...
the privilege just kinda
passed right over you, huh?
Passed right over my whole
fucking state. [chuckles]
I'm just getting like a...
Arby's roast beef...
- vibe, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
- Okay, cool. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm... Well, I'm...
I'm Arnold.
I uh... live here.
What about you?
Um... Devontae.
- You live here, like, permanently, or?
- Yeah.
Well, me and my girl
kinda of... Are going through it.
So it's just, uh...
me and the Mystery Machine...
right here. Oh! Uh...
Jacuzzi's going in right
there, so just... Yeah, thanks.
Let me just... I'll make sure...
Yeah, that's a good
spot too. Actually.
You know, usually when you
go from living together
to living in a van, that's
called a breakup, my dude.
But you know, you never know.
What's uh... What's your story?
I moved out here two
years ago from high school.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah. You a comic?
Nah. [hesitates] Yeah...
I mean... I moved here to...
to at least... try it.
Baby steps.
[Dave] Devontae!
As I live and breathe.
Thanks for actually
showing up this time.
Shit. All right,
I'ma have to hit you later.
- Yeah?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah. I gotta get
back on Dave's good side.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll see you.
Yeah. Oh, uh... Well,
a Waka Flocka Flame to you, sir.
[hesitates] As Ice Cube says,
"I hope you have a good day."
All right, so I'ma jump right
into it, uh,
'cause, uh, no one else
has addressed it yet. Um...
I'll... I'll talk about the dude
in the van.
- There's a dude...
- [laughter]
There's a... There's a dude
in the van right outside.
Yeah I don't know if anybody had
the pleasure of talking to him.
He's... He's a cool dude.
He seems like a cool-ass dude.
He's going through a breakup.
He doesn't know that yet,
but he's going through it.
He's... He's gonna figure that
part out, you know. Um...
The... What I really
like about him is that clearly,
he likes to date women of color.
'Cause, know what I'm saying, though?
He was definitely dating a sister
that put him out who put them
out in that motherfucking van
right out... outside of this
She probably made sure he
ended up at this place too.
[soft music]
[Dave] Yo, van guy!
We all noticed you're
about a half a step away
from losing your fucking mind
out here.
Why don't you come
check out a show?
You just did a bunch
of shows, man.
No, those are mics.
I'm talking about a real
show with real people.
Aren't you real people?
Comics aren't real people,
you idiot.
We're barely even human,
all right?
Have you seen our bathroom?
I mean, come on, have you
talked to Griff Pippin?
The guy's a fucking nut job.
It'll ease your mind.
Just come on. Come with...
Trust me. Come with me.
All right. Fuck it.
There you go. Nicely done.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ow.
My God, bro.
She fucked you up. There you...
Oh, very good.
Yeah, you wouldn't want anyone
to drive your immobile home away.
Let's go!
When I roll up
To the club
All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka
Pull up on dubs
In the backseat is
Chonka lonka
Better show me love
If you know you got a
Chonka lonka
Don't care about
Them jugs
I just wanna see your
Chonka lonka
When I come up
In the club
I ain't trying to talk
To no girl
I'm just trying to see
You bend over
And shake your
Chonka lonkas
White girls with the
Shirts on...
[Dave] Have you guys enjoyed the
show that you've seen so far?
We having a good time
tonight guys?
Let me hear ya!
[cheering drowns out Dave]
We have reached
a point... in the night...
This is the time...
of the show that I've been
looking forward...
It's my favorite
part of the show
because there have been
too many sex machines
making it look
freaking easy up here.
And I can assure you guys,
it is not as easy as it looks.
- Okay.
- And that is why
we do this at this show.
We are about to engage
in my favorite ritual
in all of comedy,
the virgin sacrifice!
[crowd loudly cheering]
[all] Virgin! Virgin!
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin...
Is there one among you...
who has the guts to come up here
and sacrifice yourself
for this audience here?
- Is there not one among you?
- [man] I'll do it.
- Oh!
- I'll fucking do it!
We have our virgin right here!
Get up here!
Oh, man. Woo!
All right, what is your name?
[shouting] Chet.
Chet what?
Just Chet, bro!
All right, guys. Give it up,
keep it going for just Chet!
- [applause]
- Oh, my God! Oh my...
I... love...
fucking bitches!
[normal voice]
Oh. All right.
Well I guess I'll tell you this
one story. Uh...
So this one time, uh,
I was at a club,
and, like, the bouncer...
would not, like,
let us in and shit.
And I was like, "Bro,
why aren't you letting us in?
[shouting] We're fucking
fly and shit, man!"
[woman in crowd] Uh, what?
- Okay.
- [man in crowd] Who is this guy?
Fine. All right.
I guess you had to be there.
I'm fucking Chet!
[Griff] Yeah!
That wasn't comedy!
- [Dave] Look!
- Huh?
- Eggs!
- What?
Breakfast is served.
You think this...
hardened comportment
that you see here
was always like this?
No, sir, I've been
in the fire brother.
Gotta pull yourself out.
Set goals, plans, frickin'
make shit happen, man.
Yeah, where I'm from,
we really don't
- do that shit.
- Well, you're not in Dayton anymore.
You're right here. Casa de Dave.
Come on, what are you gonna do?
All right. All right! Um...
My van's fucked, I gotta fix it.
- Good start, yes.
- Okay.
All right, after that,
you're going to?
I guess I can give
comedy a real try.
There you go, you're
gettin' fuckin' hard!
You're trying standup.
What else? What's after that?
I guess when Mary sees
how good I'm fuckin' doing,
she'll have to get
back together with me.
She might! She might, bro.
You'll have a chance.
It's better than fucking
what you're doing now.
- Well, yeah.
- Okay?
All right. That's a start.
Step one, finished.
I got a bunch of
tools in my shed too.
It might have everything
you need. Fucking boom, man!
- How are you, like...
- [chuckiling]
The way... you are?
Did you put fucking
meth in those eggs?
No. I can smell a fire
in you, kid!
The fucking veins.
It's not a raging fire,
it's more of a fat, lazy ember.
But, you gotta be in a real
pile of shit
to want to live at The Bomb
[Arnold] Fuck! Come on.
Come on.
You're right there, baby.
Come for me.
Fucking come for me.
Fucking come for...
- me! [ecstatic laugh]
- [engine starts]
Oh, mwah! Valhalla,
you smile upon me.
- Oh! Oh!
- [engine stops]
No! No, no, no, nooo!
Hey, you got your house
working yet?
[Devontae] Yeah, I didn't
think it was possible,
but you may actually
be decreasing
the property value here, bro.
You should do anything else.
- Hey, yo, do a set.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
Fucking working standup isn't my
number one priority right now.
Bullshit. You look
like the type, bro.
The fuck does that mean?
That means that you
a little bitch.
[Dave] Two minutes!
Two fucking minutes, Devontae!
Dave, I'm right here.
I wasn't born yesterday,
I know time seems
to move a little bit
slower when you're high.
Yeah, that's right, two minutes!
Why did you come here?
To be a writer,
actor, or a pussy?
Because you're
acting like a pussy.
Actually, fucking comedy.
Bullshit, bro. What are you
waiting for?
Why don't you fucking
try being homeless?
Another excuse, bro.
You're just like your van.
You're fat, taking
up space, useless...
what the fuck are you doing?
I mean, there's an open spot
for this hour.
Cool, why don't you fucking
show me how then?
You want me to fucking show you?
- Fucking show me.
- I got it.
- Real easy.
- Yeah?
Yeah, real easy, real simple.
- Just put in your name right there.
- There?
Yeah, right there.
you just put your name...
- And then give him the five bucks?
- Yeah, that's it.
[deep exhale]
All right, fuck it.
- He's in.
- That's cool.
[Devontae] If you don't
have cash, Venmo's cool too.
Like, he'll take
whatever, you know?
Coming to this
stage right now,
doing his first-ever
standup of his life! Yes!
You know him, you love him,
he's our very own Bomb Shelter
Arnold, everybody! Get up here, Arnold.
[cheers, applause]
[Griff] Oh, wow!
Ellen Degenerates looks terrible
in real life. Holy Christ!
- [chuckle]
- [Griff laughing]
- Uh, I am Arnold.
- [Griff] Sup?
I am the, uh...
local van dweller.
[chuckles] Um...
- [soft music]
- Uhhh...
[whispering to self]
- I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Uh...
- [Griff] Yeah, we can tell.
Yeah, which is [hesitating]
dominantly white people. Um...
There was, like in my
high school,
like a couple Asian guys and,
like, one half Black person.
They were a midget.
- [man] Cool, man.
- [Griff] Oh, great joke.
[no dialog]
When I moved to LA, uh...
I moved to K-Town. Um...
and every time I met
someone, I would say,
"Oh, where are you from?"
And they'd say, "South Korea."
I would say, "Is that the
good one or the bad one?"
- [Griff] Swing and a miss.
- [man] Nice one, dude.
Wow, this guy's just given
up on life and he's not funny.
So yeah. Uh...
when I moved here,
I moved here, uh,
- to uh, Los Feliz.
- [Griff] Hot garbage fire.
Where I met, um, a girl
who was from Mexico and we...
[Griff] I bet you did, big guy.
We started dating,
and we moved in and I just...
[Griff] Yeah. Yeah.
- I always assumed that...
- Lived with the parents?
- Yeah, you did...
- That she would just wanna...
Hey, Ron Weasley? Don't you
have to go to fucking Hogwarts
and shoot that shit
up or something?
[crowd laughing]
- Fuck.
- [man] He lives!
The guy lives!
Surprisingly not horrible.
Surprisingly not
horrible, all right?
Uh, everybody put your hands
together for...
the very funny, the very lovely
Nelly Taskin, guys.
Good evening, motherfuckers.
I'm just so privileged
to be here.
Part of this all-male room, huh?
No women at all.
Listen, I know a
lot of you in here,
you hate women. And you think
just 'cause I'm dumb enough
to hang out with
you, I hate them too.
Nah. No. I don't hate women.
I just hate skinny women.
- [man1] Oh! Ha haa!
- [man2] Oww!
Yep, thank you.
And pretty women, all right?
- [man1] Fuck off!
- [man2] Fuck me!
[Amir] Oh, I left my key.
Yeah, I did. I left it there.
Yeah, can you bring it?
Oh, you pullin' up right now?
Oh, okay. I see you.
All right, babe.
You know, sometimes I hate
how much of an asshole you are,
but it feels so good knowing
who really wears the pants.
Shit, I'm the
one who tells
her when to sit and to pee,
you know what I'm saying?
- [Devontae] Ew.
- [Nelly] Yeah, okay.
- [Arnold] Huh?
- You heard me.
That's another
weird thing to say.
[Amir] Hey sweetie!
- [Nelly] Hey, Katherine.
- [Dante] Hey, Kat.
Hi losers. Haven't seen
you guys in what, two days?
[Dante] We're going
to Oyster Lounge. You comin'?
Mmm, no thanks. As much
fun as it actually sounds
I would rather not watch you
talk trash about me on stage.
- [Dante] You should be used to it by now.
- [Nelly laughs]
[Arnold] Aw, that was cute.
[Dave] One minute.
If you're the first
black guy somebody meets,
they're definitely
gonna be racist.
You literally check off
all the boxes, my friend.
Well, at least my
boxes gettin' checked.
I hope that's not
part of your act.
- It might be.
- That's not funny.
- That was kind of funny.
- Are you hungry?
Well, thinking about grabbing
some food from 7-Eleven.
Ah, no. Negative.
Let's eat some real food
at Oyster Lounge.
There, you could
see a real show.
- Can I just change, or?
- [guitar playing]
Yeah, we fuckin' in the van
Ooh yeah, mm-hm, yeah
Hey, would you guys
keep it down out here?
Amir! What the fuck... Why?
- Why?
- Ooh, I serenade these hoes, baby!
Dave, I had nothing
to do with this.
Arnold got everything
To do with this
Please don't take it out on me.
I'ma take it out
On you baby
- What's wrong with you?
- Come on, man.
Don't light no candles in there.
Won't you put on something
Instead of that stupid-ass
White shirt
Hey girl, where you goin'
Don't you want some
Amiracle? Yeah
That hoodie too
Baggy on you, yeah
Show a brother
Some curves
Yeah, ooh, yeah,
Mm-mm, woo
Smells great in here,
doesn't it?
Yeah, it's 'cause I farted.
Takes a bit of strategy
to get the room back.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I feel like I did that today,
didn't I?
- I felt like I was okay.
- [Nelly] Okay, relax.
- Getting laughs your first time
- No, you were trash.
happens a lot more
than you think.
Try doing that 1000 times more.
First time I went up,
I actually slaughtered.
I was feeling good and all
that shit too, you know?
But next five times I go up?
Bro, I ate dick after dick
for weeks, yo.
Yup, them king-sized dicks,
you know...
Hey, wait. Hold up, they
weren't no king-sized dicks.
I got some laughs, okay?
They was like...
like Kyle-sized dicks.
[all laughing]
Who the fuck is gonna
follow that?
You? You? You?
- Bro...
- You're not very good.
Bro, you couldn't
follow my B material.
The waitress could
follow your material, Kyle.
You're garbage.
Wait. Amir, did we miss
your set?
Amir is headlining.
You think 'cause I hang out
with your van-dwelling ass,
I don't run shit?
You don't run shit, Amir.
- Not here, and definitely not at home.
- That's facts.
You know what we call
a turtle, in Londers, bruv?
You know what we call
a turtle there?
We... We call it a hardback.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, I got to go see
a girl about that butt,
you know what I'm saying?
Hey, yo. Hold my shit,
Goldie Locks.
Hey! Don't you want Amiracle,
baby? [indistinct]
Man, that dude has no game.
Wait, does he really
cheat on his wife?
- No.
- He tries, he fails.
Dude, he's so lame...
He be getting banned for that
shit. From all the clubs.
- Wow.
- Yeah, clubs you can't book.
Hey, my potential is like...
- What are you talking about?
- It's totally true.
You know what's not good?
That's shirt he's wearing.
- Yeah, that shirt sucks.
- It's terrible.
It's not a good shirt.
Who picked... Who picked that
for you?
Did you pick that out?
Did you honestly go to Ross
and looked at the shirts
and were like,
"This is the one"?
I actually got this
at a Kmart back home.
Nah, I think he to his
mother's house
and got the tablecloth and cut
that son of a bitch up, huh?
- Yeah, that's what he did.
- I'm sorry dude.
Why can't you be mean
and funny?
- You're just mean.
- Yeah, you are just mean.
- Why can't you be skinny?
- [all laughing]
[loudly sipping]
[loudly sipping]
The last two tenants were
heavy hitters.
I'm not sure this is a good
location for you.
I mean, I have clients who own
casinos who want this space.
Cyrus, if I'm so unqualified,
then why'd you even
call me down here?
Look, if I wanted to sell
the space,
I could do it like this today.
I just want you to show me that
you can run
an establishment that
is respectable.
Bomb Shelter's very respectable.
Really? Have you looked at it?
Now imagine that
on the Sunset Strip.
Every time I drive
by your place,
I feel like I need a shower.
Goddamn, the last thing LA
needs is another comedy club.
Man, I'm reinventing
the open mic business.
Yes, you have.
And at $5 a pop,
you are Elon Musk of the valley.
Look, look, I'm
making money, all right?
$300 a day, David.
Look, it'll be more when
I have a bigger space.
And look, no overhead,
no liquor license,
no health department, it's
a low headache for you.
It's a good business.
Okay, fair enough.
I believe you.
But don't tell me this.
Show it to me.
My God, enough
of the ISIS Yoda bullshit.
What are you trying to say?
I'm saying clean it the fuck up.
The place looks
like a disaster zone.
All right, all right,
all right. I'll do it.
I'll clean... I'll clean it up.
But will you promise
to come do a set
in a few weeks to see it?
I know it's been awhile,
but will you come do a set?
Yeah, I haven't done a standup
in years, but I...
- A few weeks, okay.
- I will come.
If you come to the set,
I'll do what you say.
I will clean it up,
I'll do the whole thing.
- Okay.
- Look, I've known you for ten years,
I will... I owe you that
much, so I will come.
Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Cyrus, for your big fucking table.
[Arnold groans]
I'm going to get some
food, do you want anything?
I'm not much of a morning eater.
- That's hard to believe.
- Ow.
Dude, I've got some AC
inside, come in and cool off.
I gotta handle
some stuff first.
What the fuck are you doing?
Some fucking hot yoga?
For Christ's sake!
Get your fucking ass inside!
You're no good to me if you're
dead on my lot. Go!
All right. Thank you. Stop.
Please don't ever fucking put your
finger in my belly button again.
- Suck my balls!
- Right.
[upbeat rock music]
Oh, man that was hilarious
You're really funny, I like
That, I like that a lot
Here's the thing,
I do have some notes
I do have some notes,
Okay here...
You don't know me but I
Think you're funny and, uh
If you saw me go up next
Well, you'd see
I'm funny too and
Together me and you
Combined, I think
'Cause together I think
That we could be funny too
You don't know me
But I think
That we can have potential
Well, more than we
I think our funny
Could have potential
And it would be a
Funny thing 'cause
We could be funny too
And, if you and I combined
Our funny together
It could be a whole
Explosion of funny
Do you know how much
Funny that is man?
We could be funny too
You don't know me but
I think you're funny
And if you saw my funny
Together with you
I just wanted to say
That I don't know
Me and you can combine
Our funnies into one
Did I say that already?
Well, uh
We could be funny too
- [Arnold vocalizing]
- Oh, my God.
- There he is. You're go...
- What's happening?
I'm, well, I'm good.
You're going up again tonight?
Yeah, well, when
you got a hot hand,
- you gotta keep playin' it.
- Very good.
Play on, player.
- Yo, Arnold?
- What?
- Five dollars, man.
- Oh. Here.
Oh yeah. That's probably gonna
be an omen.
- Give me this.
- All right.
Yeah, so the first
person I met in K-Town,
I was like, "Oh,
where you from?"
They were like,
"Oh, South Korea."
I was like, "Oh, is that the
good or the bad one?" [chuckles]
That was beautiful.
that was just about
- as good as it gets.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just put me up next.
Where's all this
money coming from?
Just put me up.
Yeah, anyway, I live
in the van next door.
And if the van's ever
a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'
'cause it's just me
naked masturbating.
Uh, okay. Yeah, anyway,
that's my time.
[Dave] Jesus.
You got gambling
debts or something?
The mic's not gonna suck
your wiener, Arnold!
It's a lot like your
girlfriend in that way.
[Arnold] Yeah, thanks, man.
Yeah, so I moved in with
this girl from Mexico
and I'm not sure if this makes
me racist or just stupid,
but I assumed that she
would just wanna cook
and clean for fun. Um...
Yeah, uh, fuck it. That's my
time, and fuck relationships.
- Whew! All right, gettin' outta here, big guy.
- All right.
- Enjoy that pizza.
- Thank you.
It's the healthiest thing you've
eaten all day, you piece of shit.
Speaking of terrible.
Big guy, wow!
Boy, that was a hard bomb.
I think it might be time
to think about gettin'
into real estate. What do you
think, big guy? Huh?
It was so bad that
it was actually good.
You should probably film
that and pitch it to Netflix.
'Cause it would be unique
and original content.
Wow, I've never
seen anybody bomb
that many times in a row.
That was... That was...
That was hard to watch.
- Yeah.
- Bro, I need a drink for you.
- You know, I need to forget this shit.
- Mm-hm.
Shit was terrible.
Like bad.
I need to black out
after watching that.
You learned
something out of this.
Well, I think you did.
And that is?
- And that is?
- What, what is it?
- And that is? I'm just kidding.
- Oh my God.
Look, and that is to never
do that shit again. Ever.
Or you're gonna end
up like this guy.
Funny. Very funny.
Fucking definitely
don't want that.
I'd rather live in a van
for the rest of my fucking life.
Do you even pay for that
parking spot?
My car is fucking
broken down, man. I...
No, I don't fucking
pay for it, man.
- His car's broken down...
- Fuck, man!
Now you're gonna
break his spirit.
What's wrong with you?
Bro, he broke my spirit
by me sitting there.
That shit broke me.
One person's trash is
another person's treasure.
Somebody probably
found that funny.
You know what the problem is?
You're nobody's treasure.
It's all good, I'm used to
people being jealous of me.
Jealous of what?
Dude, I see what you've
done with the place
and I like it, man!
Allegiance, ambition!
Tell you what. Um, you know,
while you're trying to figure out...
Whatever the hell it is you're
trying to figure out here.
I was thinking maybe you
could host some mics for me.
I live in a van, dude.
I should probably get a real job.
Real job? What the fuck?
You know how many comedians
would kill to host this mic?
- A couple?
- Yeah. No!
Like a lot. Like
thousands of them.
What do you think, that
I can like pay my bills
with the money I make
at the gig from the skinny?
No, look, we all
gotta work, bro.
Nelly works in an office,
Dante owns his own shop.
- Dante?
- Yes.
Tokyo Drift Dante?
The very Tok... Yes.
General Tso's Dante?
The fat Asian catfish,
Dante. Yes.
- Dante who ate the bat, Dante.
- Patient zero, yes.
Oh my God. I thought he made
a fucking living off of comedy.
Well he does, but he
also has a wife and a kid
and how stupid would he
be to put all of his eggs
in a basket as frail as
standup comedy, okay?
- Wow.
- All right, yeah man, we all gotta work.
It's the way it is.
You know, nobody's...
Chris Rock after one month.
So, you know, call some names.
Take the money, and you'll
be rich in no time.
- Okay, all right.
- Yes!
I'll do it under
one condition.
I'm not doing any
fucking standup.
Oh my God, and you'd
be doing us all a favor.
- All right, very nice.
- Wow, thanks.
- All right, can I go to my home now?
- Don't get lost.
Thanks, man.
[soft music]
[phone ringing]
Bomb Shelter, this is Arnold.
[woman] Hi, is Dave available?
Uh, yeah, no. Dave won't
be in until later tonight.
Can I, uh, take a message?
Yes, actually.
This is his ex, Sabrina...
- Oh. Hi. And he's been
ignoring my calls for weeks.
- Um, I need you to tell him that I'm moving soon
- Yeah.
and I have a bunch of his stuff
in storage
that he refuses to pick up.
I think this is kind of above
my pay grade, lady. Uh, you...
Tell him to call me
and pick it up.
If he doesn't get it before
I move, I'm throwing it away.
Uh, ye... Uh, okay.
- Oh, wait.
- Yes?
If he doesn't grab it,
can I have his stuff?
What's the perks
of living in a van?
Oh, low rent. [mimics chuckling]
That's fucking funny,
you stupid fuck!
[growling] You fucking idiot.
Van. How many fucking
jokes can I fucking do?
Nothing, you fucking loser!
Your parents hate you,
you're a fucking loser.
Hey, guys.
- [Nelly] Hey.
- Hey, wow. Um...
why you so serious, bro?
Your rent go up?
I'd always worn out
my fucking welcome
everywhere I've ever been.
Family, friends, girlfriend.
And it wasn't until I got
on this fucking stage
here of all fucking places that
I actually felt like I was home.
So, uh...
The stage... feels like a van?
Yeah. Yeah, it fucking does.
All right... I've had
enough of story time.
Someone else story time.
Let's go. All right, bring
it up for your next guest.
- I will...
- Fuck you. Fuck you.
I will gladly follow that.
[Nelly] We love you. Not.
That was... That was beautiful.
[rapid breaths]
[sharp exhale]
Uh... Damn! No, my bad.
You know I was just playing
with you, bro.
It's like... I... feel you
on that shit.
This, the life of a comedian...
ain't that motherfucking funny.
[Arnold chuckles]
And then you get that...
I don't...
chance to make someone... laugh.
That shit... that shit is
addicting, and then you just
kinda continue to
chase that high.
Are you high right now?
- [Nelly] Okay.
- [Arnold] Get off stage.
- Story time's over. Thank you.
- Thank you, Dr. Devontae.
That's enough.
[Arnold laughs]
All right, tell
us why you are sad.
Oh wait, and why you don't like
girls that are hotter than you.
[groans] Okay,
first, that's impossible
'cause ain't nobody
hotter than me. All right?
Second, I'm not sad.
LA girls just remind me of my
dance team back in college.
Yes, I came here
from Brooklyn to dance.
You were a fucking
dancer? Like a real girl?
Yeah. I didn't always
look like a plumber
from the Great Depression.
I'm actually hot shit.
- Yeah, you are.
- Steamin' shit.
Man, it was just
a culture shock.
Everybody here is a model
or an actress,
or some type of fucking special.
I didn't look like
Barbie, but I could dance.
And I was really close
with my team too.
Until our senior showcase.
Our costumes came in
and mine wouldn't even
stretch up past my knees.
Some of these
bitches got together
and they changed my measurements
as a fucked-up prank.
- Oh my God.
- I see, yo. That's...
Right, so no costume
and no choice
but to back out of the show.
Now I just feel like every
bitch out here is someone
from my team pretending
to be nice to me.
That's it, that's my story.
[Arnold] Fuck.
Yo, that's actually...
that's sad.
That's as sad as
Arnold being too scared
to get back on the stage.
That's... You're probably
more sad though.
[Devontae] Probably more sad
than her story about
- the girls attacking her.
- Way more sad.
There's only so many
fucking jokes I could write
about living in a fucking van.
Arnold, you're heartbroken.
And you live by a fucking
I would give anything to have
that fresh hurt
again, all right?
So how do you turn
fresh hurt into a joke?
[sighs] You have to.
It's how we survive.
No, I mean how do you
write it? But... [laughs]
- Damn, that was fucking...
- That was on point.
- That was deep.
- [Nelly] Right?
Just gotta grow a pair
and face your shame.
[Arnold groans]
Listen, if you don't go
up on that stage again,
everything your parents,
or your ex ever said
about you is true.
Let's uh, let's get the next
comic up.
It's gonna be um...
Just Kyle.
you know what? Fuck Just Kyle.
I actually got some shit to say tonight.
I think back to the first day
that I got my first porno mag.
I'm from Ohio, there's just...
open nothing everywhere.
So I run three miles in the back
and I found a spot by
a tree, I was like...
Yo Arnold, I need to
holler at you for a second.
Yo, Amir. Meet me
in my office, dude.
The dumpster?
You want me to meet
you at the dumpster?
Hey! Knock, knock, motherfucker.
Your office is locked.
Wrap it up, man.
Fuck, dude, what?
Hey, my band's kinda
tied up doing other stuff.
I could really use a roadie
for my show tomorrow.
- I'm auditioning for this guy.
- Yeah, that sounds really cool.
But why can't you fucking ask
one of the other guys to do it?
What, you got something
else better to do?
It's not like you're writing
jokes. I've seen your set.
Look, at least you'll
be in a vehicle that moves.
- Awesome.
- All right.
See you tomorrow at ten?
- Fine.
- Nah, nah, nevermind.
Okay, cool, great, yeah.
"Guided meditation,
release anger."
[guide] Life can
certainly be difficult.
- Oh, Dave.
- And keeping our emotions
- Super cute, right?
- in check can seem...
Oh, you're totally not
doing this right.
- Okay,
In a moment...
- I'm getting out of here.
- The music will change.
Line up.
[shouts] No dick-fucking around!
This is a place of business!
My God.
- Amir.
- Good to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
- Yeah. Thanks for having us.
- [man] Come on in.
- [Arnold] Hey, what's up man?
- Come on in.
- All right.
- This place is nice.
- Do you want anything to drink?
Nah, nah, it's okay.
Have a seat, set up in here.
I'm Arnold.
You don't have to plug
that in, by the way.
Oh. I mean, are you sure?
'Cause, I mean I can
plug it in and...
No, no, no.
I want to hear you.
All right, I'll just...
start playing.
It's called, "For You."
[Arnold chuckles]
When I was in high school,
I got fired from KFC.
I... stuck my dick in the mashed
potatoes and put corn on it
and... turned it into a little
tiny corn on the cob.
And my crush was there
getting a value meal
and she saw my
tiny corncob dick,
and didn't go to prom with
me because she saw that
And she told everyone
in high school.
And then my parents found
out, and my dad sat me down
and told me he has
a corncob dick too.
And I shouldn't
feel bad about it.
And then it made me feel
bad that it's genetic
and there's nothing I can
do about my corncob dick.
But I just need to let go
of it and accept the fact
that I am... I'm the Corncob
Kid, and that's just who I am.
I'm ready whenever
you're ready.
Ready? Okay.
I'd swim through oceans
With sharks at my shadow
I'd pierce the heart
Of a million in battle
I'd give my eyes and
Go blind so you'd see
Just to be close to you
You used to laugh at my
Socks with the sandals
I used to hate when you'd
Flip through the channels
We used to dream 'bout our
Life and our travels, yeah
I would trade it all
For you
I would give my all
For you, for you,
For you, for you
For you, for you,
For you
[light upbeat music]
Dude. Fuck was that?
You were like a real fucking
human being in there.
Listen, man, I don't mind being
your little fucking errand boy
'cause you're too chicken shit
to let any of the
other guys see you
for like who you really
are, but some advice...
Uh, if you mean what you
just sang in there,
then everything you
got going on outside
of comedy is a
fucking privilege.
Yeah, whatever, man,
just load the shit up.
You hear me?
The fuck man? Wait,
just 'cause you heard my
song, you think you know me?
You think you got
all the answers now?
You don't know my
relationship. You don't know.
Okay, I may not know
your fucking relationship,
but I know that you got
a fucking choice, right?
Like you had a choice
when you got kicked out?
Started mooching off
everybody, living in a van
like some motherfucking
white Tyler Perry and shit?
Fuck! Jesus Cr...
I've never punched...
Tyler who?
Just get in the fucking
car, man. Jesus Christ.
One day, I went
to go see my friend.
He worked at the sex shop.
Upon my arrival, he was stocking
these dildos on the wall.
I looked closer at these dildos.
They had a sticker on it
that said, "Thin Cock."
And I was like,
"If that's thin cock,
I'm in deep shit!"
How do you exhale that out?
How do you do that?
Oh God! Oh God,
my foot's asleep!
It's a bad one.
My foot feels like...
just a bunch of jelly.
Oh God, it's so deep.
Did everybody Venmo?
Who didn't Venmo?
[Griff] I used Cash App.
All right. As long as
you Venmoed, it's fine.
- Ow! What the fuck?
- That's for Tyler Perry, bitch.
I got a call from some chick
who said she was...
your ex, named Sabrina or
- Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. Just...
- Okay, cool.
She said that she
wanted me to tell you
to fucking call her back so you
can go pick up your shit.
Dude, it's literally irrelevant,
don't worry about it.
There's no rat... Just keep
doing what you're doing.
Why wouldn't I fucking tell
you that?
Oh my God! Nico, you
scared the crap out of me.
How's my favorite
juvenile landlord doing?
What horrible news are
you bringing to me today?
Listen, man, we're having people
that want to buy the property.
They want to come in,
and they want to renovate everything.
That's great! And then
I never have
to see you again on top of that?
- Guess so, yeah.
- That's amazing.
The thing is, though,
we gotta raise your rent.
Well, by how much?
- Double.
- Jesus! When?
With a $15,000 deposit.
Jesus Christ, by when?
End of the month.
You can't just come in here
and drop all of that
on me with a 30-day notice.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
It's surely illegal.
Dude, you have people
outside sleeping in their van,
fucking by the dumpsters,
pissing outside,
jerking off in
their fucking cars.
What do you expect?
They're in the car.
[scoffs] Goddammit.
This is a very
respectable establishment.
- [electricity buzzes]
- Oh!
- Fuck! [groaning]
- Yeah, okay.
Here's the paperwork.
have a good one.
- Yeah, thanks a lot. I'll have a great one, Nico.
- [Arnold] Dave.
Tell your dad to go fuck himself.
What do you want?
- Dave, I need your help.
- You're fine.
[man] Sup. You guys got any
spots open for the 10 O'clock?
Uh, no, we're... Actually we're totally
booked for the rest of the night.
Fuck you guys.
- Jesus Christ.
- That was fucking rude.
- Oh my God.
- What if we put up a fucking tent
and we can send people like that
to fucking...
work in it right next to it.
That'd be kind of tight.
Arnold, my business
is about to collapse.
I don't need you dick-fucking
around with me right now.
Actually, dude, you turn
people away all the fucking time
'cause you're so busy.
What if you actually
set up a fucking tent
and held mics in it?
Oh my fucking God,
if you fucking build it,
they will fucking come, baby!
- Two mics at the same time.
- Yes! Fucking...
- More mics, more money, more business!
- Yes! Yes!
- Bomb Shelters everywhere!
- Gimme that dick!
[both grunting]
- No, no. Go in, go in.
- In.
[both] Ooh, ahh, ooh, aah...
Two mics, same time.
[light music]
Yo, great set, guys.
Come on. Hey, in or out?
Good job, Rob.
Just go, thank you.
- Hey, what's up man? What's your name?
- Uh, what?
[softly] Just say your name.
There's a bunch of people behind you.
-Okay, yeah, yeah, Devontae.
Devontae, you're
in the main room.
- Thank you, sir.
- Pay Dave. Pay Dave $5.
- Hey, what's your name?
- My name's Justin.
- Main room. Five bucks. Dave.
- All right, thank you.
Cyrus Jay.
Cyrus Jay, Cyrus
Jay. Oh, right,
you're actually in
the tent tonight.
The what?
The tent.
Right around the corner.
Dave says this is the
improved Bomb Shelter.
Why are we going to tent?
Well, this is, but we're full.
Grand opening tonight.
You probably signed up
for the wrong one online,
- but the tent's right over here.
- All right.
- Let's go make the best of a shitty situation.
- Okay.
Do you have your five bucks?
All right. Everyone
give it up.
Cyrus, really funny guy
coming to the stage.
- Come on, Cyrus!
- [applause]
- [Griff] Miley, Cyrus!
- [cheering]
[ominous music]
Yes, my name is Cyrus
and I'm from Iran.
- Thank you for not calling Homeland Security.
- [laughter]
You know, with this
light beaming upon me,
the disgusting stench of
death poisoning our insides,
this reminds me
of tents in Iran.
Only thing missing is the cries
of children being tortured
as we fall asleep.
[slight laughing]
- [Dave] What do you think?
- Eh, my set could have gone better.
- Not your set. The place, bro, the fucking place, man!
- Aha, oh.
- Well, you definitely built something here.
- Yeah.
I don't know what it is, but
you definitely built something.
This, this looks
fucking fantastic.
But this... I wish you did not
show this to me, or anyone.
You must burn this tent at once.
You put him in the tent?
- I...
- [grunting]
You were not supposed
to see the tent, Cyrus.
We just got so busy,
we had to do something.
But that's the point, man.
Look at how many people
are freaking here, man.
Yes, you have turned
a shit hole into a shit store.
Yeah, franchise, baby.
What do you think
I'm trying to do
here, Cyrus, come on.
Okay, give me a couple of days.
Let me think about it, okay?
First I have to go home and
wash the AIDS off my skin
from this tent, okay?
But congratulations on this.
Al-Qaeda would be
proud of you, okay?
[soft music]
Cyrus! Cyrus, bro.
Listen, I gotta be
honest with you.
My landlord is really trying
to fuck me out of this place
right now
and I just need you to
hold the Sunset location
for me for a couple
more months, that's it.
If you cannot make this
business, you have to let it go.
No... God, listen. I just need
a little bit more time.
It's all I have.
David John, maybe
it's time to move on.
You have been running
Bomb Shelter for years
and you are barely surviving.
You're dealing with
these open-micers.
They're trying to fuck
you from every angle.
You're a hard worker, do
something better, fuck this.
[soft music]
What's Dave doing?
He's either meditating
or having a complete
fucking breakdown.
Why, though?
His landlord just
showed up and said
if he doesn't come up
with 15 Gs for a deposit,
this place is done.
So what, like,
we gotta go back
to all these other
fucking bullshit,
random, out-of-the-hat mics
where I gotta pay
like all his money
just to wait for like
three fucking minutes?
- Man, fuck this.
- Yeah.
I mean, unless we come up
with a way
to find the fucking
money, then, yeah.
How the fuck are you gonna
come up with the money, bro?
What are you gonna do?
You're gonna sell
your ass in the van?
No one's gonna
wanna buy you, bro.
You're fat, and you're ugly.
He's kinda cute.
Amir, you guys work for
like big fucking comics.
Can't you guys talk
to some of these comics
that you're fucking
opening up for
and have them come do sets
it'll fucking raise
so much money?
Hey, wait, wait, wait...
How exactly do you
expect me to pitch that?
"Hey, buddy, I know you
make $100,000 a weekend,
why don't you come host
this open mic for free?"
You're an idiot.
I agree. You're an idiot.
Amir, come on. Are you in?
Yeah, I'll make some calls.
You know what?
I'll make some calls.
Nobody cares when
you call, Kyle.
Watch this, straight
to voicemail.
Hello, Mom?
Just wondering if you know,
I need to borrow
some money and...
So that's a no, guys.
[all laughing]
Great set tonight, Kyle.
Lots of growth.
You really knocked
it out of the park!
[Amir] Hey Dave, why don't
you just get a second opinion
- on that bad STD test, man?
- [groaning]
Thank you, Amir.
I appreciate the advice.
Yo, like, I know
I'm hella talented,
but Dave complimenting
me? I don't know, man,
that felt a little weird, like
this feeling in my stomach.
Like I dunno, man.
It's called sympathy, stupid.
It's what normal people feel.
Yeah, but I don't like it.
It's making me feel responsible,
like I gotta do
something, you know?
Bro, what do you think
we've all been doing?
We've been trying to book
headliners to fix this place.
I got it. Angela Nissel.
- I can get her to headline.
- The TV writer?
How the fuck do you know Angela?
Check this out.
We go to the same Ralphs.
Like, we could wait outside...
Stop right there, bro.
That is insane.
Look, I know you
guys make fun of me
because I grew up rich and
you guys find me annoying
and probably don't even
like my jokes, but...
I love this place,
and I love Dave
And I think I even
love you guys too.
This place has given me...
somewhere where I could find my
voice and be who I am, you know?
And honestly, like, if
it wasn't for this place,
I know you guys wouldn't
kick it with me.
And to be honest, like, I don't
even have friends outside.
Yeah, no shit.
Ooh, yeah
Look man, like...
Hey, I'm playin', I'm playin'.
This is my chance to give
Dave something more than $5.
You know she's not
a standup, right?
You don't know that.
Plus you know how many
nerds are gonna be lining up
to bother her after
we're done bothering her?
And we're not even asking for
a job, we're giving her one.
Man, this is crazy, man.
It's stupid, it's creepy,
and you know what?
Kinda illegal harassing
her like that.
Man, my grandma was illegal.
You in?
[light music]
Uh, why are we here?
There's this white lady that
cooks these bomb-ass cookies,
Angela never misses
a batch. Never.
And you got this intel how?
I mean, what the fuck, man?
Bro, I buy those
cookies all the time.
They're bomb as fuck.
You know white people don't know
how to season
their chicken, right?
But they could sure put
sprinkles on their muffins.
You know what?
I do love some
white muffins though.
Bro, Angela loves
those white muffins.
All right, y'all stay here
with your creepy-ass binoculars.
I'm gonna go over there
and do the talking.
Hey girl! Angela, right?
Sorry, people always
think that for some reason.
So, you don't come
here every Wednesday
to get those fresh
mango cinnamon cookies?
Apple cinnamon.
Who sent you, what's up?
- Oh, nobody, mm-mm. I...
- [Amir] Hey, Angela!
- Well my friend...
- When's Scrubs coming back?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
- She's got mace!
- Calm down.
Y'all think y'all
can sun me, right?
'Cause I got a little money?
I'm from Philly. I take...
Mai Tai classes.
- Shit, she's from Philly. She hard.
- We're comics...
We're comics,
and we're just... That's it.
Look, wait, wait, wait.
look, our buddy's business
is going under and we're
throwing a fundraiser
and we could really use your
help with saving his business.
Please put the pepper spray
I've just washed my hair and
we just want to make sure
our friend Dave's
open mic doesn't fail.
[Kyle] Here's a flyer.
- Here's a flyer.
- That's a cat.
- Again?
- Your hair looks cute though.
- Thank you.
- It does, what do you use?
- Oh, Miss Jessie's.
- That's the shit.
Curly girls! I love you,
thank you.
Listen, I'm gonna be honest like
I've never been honest in my life,
to myself, and to
them, and to you.
But I've been doing
standup comedy for a while
and I don't think
I've ever been funny.
But... One day it's
all gonna click.
One day, I'm gonna
figure it out.
It's gonna click
like a remote control
and that can't happen if they
close down The Bomb Shelter,
which is why we're here.
Maybe you can help us out.
He's not lying, his mama doesn't
even love him. It's terrible.
Yeah, he sucks.
There. Not a cat.
See, this is actually
kinda sweet.
I don't do standup
though, sorry.
You don't know till you try it.
you could be hilarious.
I mean, you look funny.
- Oh! Shit!
- [Nelly] Oh! Stop! Okay!
[indiscreet shouting]
Shit! Mother...
Normally I love it when
a girl squirts my face.
Not like this! Not like this!
Will you do the show?
Will you at least do the show?
All right. I'll give
you my email address.
- [Kyle] Yes!
- [Nelly] Get the fuck out!
- She's doing the show, bro.
- [Nelly] man-up, Amir.
- Thank God.
- [Nelly] It's worth it.
- I'm gonna go get some milk...
- Thank God.
I'll... I'll throw the milk
in your face...
- and you'll be fine.
- Oh, God.
Thank you, so much.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Let me tell y'all,
don't approach anybody
talking about squirting
- and run up on their car like this, okay?
- [Nelly] All right.
'Cause I was about to call
the cops on you.
- Its okay.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Water under the bridge.
- Email me.
[phone vibrating]
[light music]
[indistinct chatter]
So, this is actually my
first time doing standup.
If you didn't know,
I'm a TV writer.
And after meeting you guys,
it's actually my last
time doing stand up.
[man] Haa!
[phone vibrating]
I don't have any money
for clothes, so...
if you see me looking like I
just came out of a dressing room
trying something on,
it's like,
no, that's just
how I fucking look.
[phone vibrating]
[upbeat music]
I haven't felt
this uncomfortable
in a sea of broken dreams
Actually, never. Because
I actually followed my dreams.
I just said I'm a TV writer and I
don't stalk people outside of Ralphs.
[phone vibrating]
[soft music]
The only problem is... I get
reminiscence of growing up
because I used to
share the bathroom with
everyone in
my fucking family.
We had a one bathroom,
massive family,
except now I'm just sharing
it with the homeless people
who are trying to get
in the van with me.
[light upbeat music]
[light music]
Speaking of dreams,
if anyone has any ideas
or email requests
or collaborations,
I'm currently only
taking sexual favors.
[laughter] So you can
take the rest to my agent.
[phone vibrates]
I've never realized that I'm
actually like a big person.
Recently, one of
those things happened.
I was crossing the
street late one night.
He just looks at me and he goes,
"Defensive end or lineman?"
And without missing a beat,
I go, "Tennis player."
- You're actually really good.
- Don't sound so surprised.
- I mean, you always made me laugh, but you're...
- Yeah.
- you're... "Funny" funny.
- Oh, thanks.
Do you want to... go grab
- That sounds good, yeah.
- Yeah? Cool. Um...
- Not tonight. Um...
- Boundaries, yes.
- Maybe next Saturday?
- Saturday. Uh, yeah.
I can't do it anymore.
Dude, I can't do it.
I just hosted three hours in
the tent mic, three hours!
I did not move here for this
shit. You understand that?
I have Arian blood. I am
too good for that tent mic!
Yo, psycho, all you had
to do is come and ask me,
I would have switched with you and
I would have hosted in the tent.
Oh. Okay. Well,
I'll see you around.
Oh, uh, do not go in there,
Seriously, it's a damnation
of inferno. You will burn!
It is hell. You don't
want to be in hell, okay?
I like your haircut.
Have a good day!
- Saturday?
- Saturday.
- Don't forget.
- Okay.
[soft dramatic music]
[soft intense music]
There's literally no reason why
an earthquake
should be classified
as a natural disaster.
It's only a disaster because
we decided to build cities
on fricking fault lines!
Why are we doing this?
It doesn't make any sense, it...
- [door closes]
- [Devontae, whispering] My bad.
Hey, who just walked
in here right now?
Turn on the lights. Who just
walked in here right now?
Oh. Yeah, Devontae,
you're late again, man.
- You know the rules. Beat it.
- Beat it?
Yo, it's like 10 minutes.
Well, the cutoff is five
minutes, man. You know this.
Okay, yo, can I just watch?
Fine, it's fine,
just find a seat. Okay...
There's no seats, so I'm
gonna stand. It's cool.
No fucking standing
in the back, Devontae!
Yo, you're fucking crazy, bro!
Prima donna motherfuckers!
Fucking come in here late
every day. Goddammit!
You want to be headliner, right?
You wanna be a
fucking headliner,
show up on time to
the fucking mic!
God... dammit.
- [muttering]
- [Arnold] Yo!
[Arnold] Dude!
Yo, yo! Hey! Yo.
- Yo! cut that shit out.
- Fuck Dave, man!
He's always giving me more
shit than anyone else.
- I can't take that shit!
- Dude! Dude, yo!
Chill out, it's not
that fucking serious.
Bruh, you ain't say shit
to him, so fuck you too.
Yo, you're always
fucking late.
And every time you're fucking
late, you cost him money,
and you fuck someone out
of a spot. So chill out.
Fuck those other comics, bro.
Damn. I could do any other
fucking mic on the west side.
Listen, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
You gotta understand how
fucking Dave is, dude.
Look, I understand. He sees
a young brother like me
- and can't wait to fuck with me.
- Oh, my...
I'm not doing
this shit no more.
Turn down hosting fucking mics
at the fucking
Store for this shit.
You've turned down
mics at The Store?
Yeah, what?
Then I wouldn't be able to...
'Cau... I Can't do both. I...
- Dude, I love The Bomb Shelter.
- So?
Look, when I
first came out here,
Dave and I did like
a lot of the same mics.
He showed me the scene
a bit. And then when I...
His girl found out that
I was couch surfing,
they let me stay at their crib.
What was the difference
between couch surfing
and sleeping on his floor?
You don't know
shit about Dave.
Yo, Dave used to live in
this big-ass fucking house.
He had two guest bedrooms
and a Brita filter
in every fucking room
and all this shit.
- [chuckling] No fucking way.
- I'm dead-ass serious too.
It must've been part of some
"pity the poor black boy" bullshit
- 'Cause now this motherfucker out here's trying to kill me.
- Dude!
If you know you can't
make the nine o'clock show,
why don't you just sign
up for the 10 o'clock.
[Arnold] Hmm, yeah.
I don't really have
an answer for that.
I feel like if...
If I'm in a rush,
then I'm working hard.
Oh, my God. That's the dumbest
thing I've ever fucking heard.
And now I remember you're
20 fucking years old.
Twenty and a half.
[Dave grunts]
Well... That was a...
That was an
interesting mic, man.
Yeah, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
Pretty sure Devontae
thinks you're a racist.
Well, yeah. You know,
it's just...
Blacks, you know?
Oh, look at that. You actually
are racist.
Listen, the kid
has so much talent,
he just needs to learn
how to respect the rules.
I don't know, man. I kind of felt
like it was about something else.
Yeah, well, maybe it's the fear
of losing my livelihood has
something to do with it.
Some nights when uh...
When I'm hosting some
open mics, and uh...
You know, I kind of just get
thinking about where I'm
at in my life right now.
I kind of think
about like, "oh wow,
I'm fucking sleeping in a van."
And it's enough to make you want
to blow your fucking brains out.
But that's when I realized it's
all fucking temporary, man.
It's kind of comforting to
say out loud, "I'm not okay."
I'm fine.
Is it fine to keep...
sonograms of a kid
you almost had
in the tool shed? And...
ducking calls
from your ex 'cause
you don't want to pick
up your shit?
[hesitates] You've done some nice
things here, and I'm grateful,
but not everybody needs
to be fixed. Okay?
No, you need to be fixed.
You host stand up here for a
few weeks and all of a sudden,
you're the zen master of MICerz?
You're just like every
other wannabe comic
- Hey, man...
- That comes in here, Arnold.
I'm just trying to fucking help.
Oh, yeah, sure you're gonna be
the one
to save The Bomb Shelter now.
You're not even trying...
You're not doing this for me.
You're doing this for you.
Some of us are actually
trying to do this as a career.
You are just trying to do this
to get your ex-girlfriend back.
You're gonna go back... Right
from mooching off me,
- right back to mooching off her.
- Hey, you ever think that
- That's what you're gonna do.
- Maybe I want to do something
with my fucking life? Look,
that's your fucking
shitty open fucking mic
- that you fucking host.
- And your van's parked in my parking lot.
What do you fucking
want me to do, dude?
I want you to stay here
for as long as it takes.
So you could feel what
kind of... What it's like
- to be a fucking loser like me.
- Oh, you fucking...
You fucking live for hosting
shitty fucking open mics.
Don't forget I'm your boss,
and if you bring that shit up
one more time
- you're fired!
- Oh yeah?
- You're gonna fucking fire me?
- Yeah.
- I fucking dare you to fucking fire me!
- Fucking...
I'll fucking do it.
You fucking bitch! Fuck you!
I quit. Have fun
fucking banning people
when there's no one fucking
here to come, you dumb fuck!
Am I getting evicted?
I was engaged
a couple years back.
And, uh, she got pregnant.
Had a late miscarriage.
Like... really late. And, uh...
We never really
recovered after that.
And uh...
Last night I saw her
with her new husband and uh...
their baby.
Dude, I... I didn't know.
I'm really sorry.
That was supposed
to be my kid.
[soft music]
I'm still in love with her too.
Can you believe that?
It's been years.
She's got a family, and
I've got freaking nothing!
I mean, you got me.
It's not saying much, but...
I think you just gotta...
get your shit and
close the fucking door.
I can't.
I mean, if you don't
want to see 'em, I can go...
Her having my stuff is the only
thing that still connects us.
If we go to pick up my stuff
now, then it's over.
You know? Like really over.
You got to start
making healthy steps towards
figuring out how to live
your life. Like...
You know, you should make
a plan.
I know you always talk to me
about making a plan,
but I feel like you
should be the one to like
go pick up your stuff.
I'll go with you. I don't care
how... what you have
to do to do it, I will help you.
I know that's not saying
much 'cause it's fucking me,
but let's go get your shit so
we can put this behind you.
I mean, come on, look at you.
You're Mr. No
Fucking Bullshitting
Dick Heavy Metal God!
Fuck, man time, right?
[yelling] All right!
Three point five billion other
women out there to ruin your life.
Let's get through
this, all right?
What the...
What the fuck
happened to your van?
I forgot to tell you.
I actually sold it to a fucking
junk collector.
I got a couple
hundred bucks for it.
- $200?
- Yeah.
You're smarter than you look.
I guess officially now, uh
The Bomb Shelter's my home.
Oh my God. That's very sweet,
but I really wouldn't
tell anybody else that.
[Amir] Hey man. Do whatever
you want, bro.
- You know, all that country shit you like.
- Really?
Yeah, that
Keystone Light shit,
some Alabama Slammer,
- that White Claw with gin...
- Awesome.
You know, some of that
titty twister, pink sand,
panty dropper shit.
- Never had one of those.
- Yeah man, it's on me, buddy.
Even though you punched me
in the face, motherfucker.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
That's cool, I love
you, babe. You know?
- I love you too.
- Yeah, but fuck you.
Yeah, okay.
All right, time
for Amiracle, baby.
Ooh, yeah
[glass breaks] Yeah!
You paying for that?
Oh, no. I don't have any money.
Hello, white ladies.
Hey... Hey, you, upfront,
what's your name?
Karen, always
Carin' for Karen
[mimicking guitar plucking]
Karen, uh...
I like your necklace.
You know what looks
better than that?
A sperm necklace, you
know what I'm saying?
[crowd groaning]
Oh, like you've never
had a sperm necklace.
Everybody wanna act
like they don't know
what a sperm necklace is.
Okay, maybe you do
know what it is and
that's why you groaned.
'Cause it's gross.
Hey, uh... Karen, uh...
are you with somebody tonight?
- I can't see your boy. What's his name?
- Mark.
Hey, Mark, go home, dawg.
[chuckles] You know what I'm sayin'.
Ooh, yeah
Hey, I want to see who this dude is.
I can't see nobody out there.
Hey, hey, light bitches, let
me get a look at this dude.
What does he look like?
Put a light on this guy.
[ominous music]
Heh, oh, shit. It had to be you.
Hey, man, Karen's cool as fuck.
Hey, man, know what?
If you were gonna eat a butt,
it should be Karen's, all right?
Karen's butt is the sweetest
in town.
How do I know that?
I don't know that.
I just... I'm just... Guessing.
Shit. Oh, I got the light?
All right. Well, I was
gonna get off anyway,
so fuck y'all. All right.
[sparse clapping]
Hey, buddy. The fuck was that,
What are you doing up there?
I was thinking I was doing
my job.
Dude, I gotta pull you
from tomorrow's show.
You can't be pulling that
kind of shit up on stage, man.
What? Why?
There's nothing
I can do about it, man.
- It's already been talked about.
- You're the manager!
You can do everything about it.
My hands are tied
this time, all right?
This is bullshit. What does
this have to say about comedy?
If you're gonna pull a comic just for
bombing and doing some crowd work.
Comedy. Comedy. Comedy!
"I'm so funny, everything
revolves around me."
Fucking tired of this shit.
Tired of everything, man.
Fuck you, fuck your comedy...
Hey, why don't you calm
your Lisa Bonet-lookin' ass down
Fuck Lisa Bonet, nigga!
Hey, man. You know
what's sad, dude?
I actually thought
you were being genuine
when you performed for me.
I thought the whole
Amiracle thing was an act,
but I see that's who you are.
No one wants to work
with assholes,
especially in this business.
She does. She
loves my asshole.
[Katherine] Mm-hm.
Yeah, she lives in my asshole.
- Fuck you, guy.
- She sucks farts outta my asshole.
You'd be lucky to work
with a guy like this.
Yeah. You love my
asshole, right baby?
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, she's gonna be licking
all around it tonight.
- All the time.
- Yeah.
I want to think about how
much I can put more stuff
in my butt so she
could pull it out.
Every night. I always
put stuff in his asshole.
- He loves it.
- Yeah!
Uhh... Wow, that was kinda
So, wha... Oh, um... What was that
all about? What just happened?
I had to pull Amir
from the show tomorrow.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
As a matter of fact, do you know
anyone that could fill his slot?
Oh, um...
[light music]
Yeah, I can do it.
Who are you again?
Oh, I'm Arnold. Arnold Wilson.
Yeah, I live in a van.
I run The Bomb Shelter.
I got a hand job there once.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, you know what?
I'll put you in at eight.
This works great.
Yeah, cool. That
sounds great. Dope.
Cool, yeah...
Just don't be late bro...
- Yeah, for sure, I'm out.
- I've got a ton
of other shit, man,
I'm telling you.
Mary, actually, after
the show the other night,
asked me if I
wanted to get dinner.
And I told her I could,
but I would potentially
need to borrow your car,
if that was okay. But,
it would like be proving to her
like I'm putting my feet
in the right direction.
If I let you borrow
my car tomorrow,
you have to promise me that
you'll have it back by 9:00 PM.
Because Dante and Amir, they
both have shows tomorrow
and I need somebody here
to help me make sure
that this fundraiser goes
off without a hitch, bro.
- Yeah, done, yeah.
- Okay,
I'm serious Arnold,
because I mean,
I swear, with all those guys
gone and doing other things,
I mean, I'm really under
the gun and I just...
It's gonna be chaos, and I need
you to help me control it.
- I'll be there.
- Okay.
- [Kyle] You're
stealing our spots.
How the fuck are
they your spots?
Whoever fucking called it?
You don't know what
the shit I'm going through.
You guys wake up in
your comfy fucking beds
while I'm sleeping
in a fucking van.
I mean, maybe if you guys
grew some fucking balls...
You don't have the balls.
You just came in with your
ability to deep throat. I'm out.
Fuck you.
- Hey! You didn't pay for your shit.
- Arnold got it.
Oh, no, Arnold won't.
[Nelly sighs]
- So what's up?
- I don't know.
I guess I'm just trying to, uh,
control all the rage inside
that wants
to kick your
initiative-taking balls.
I don't get the big deal.
I'm trying to take a job
to actually make something
of this fucking comedy thing.
I mean you both
should fucking try it.
What are you, the tall,
white, fat Kevin Hart now?
You can get one gig, and you
think you're making moves?
Fuck you.
Move, get the fuck out my way.
[loudly sighs] Well,
I need a fucking drink.
Yeah, they, uh... they
do mimosas here.
Yeah, I'm gonna have
to fucking order it?
Where's your fucking
fake ID, huh?
Yeah, you're clowning on me.
how you fucking like it?
I have my card, so I'll buy.
No, I don't have my ID.
- [Arnold loudly sighs]
- That shit fell through.
What's the deal, are you
fucking pissed at me too?
- Like seriously?
- Bro...
Was it a dick move
to do what you did? Yes.
Are you undeserving
of that spot?
No question.
Are you backstabbing everybody
that you met out here
- in your time of need?
- [sighs]
- Is it ridiculous to...
- All right, I get it, dude.
No, no. But I...
I feel you, bro.
Sometimes you gotta
do desperate shit.
All right, I'm getting
us fucking drunk.
Bottomless, please.
Grapefruit, not orange.
- [vocalizing]
- I wanna ride you
I want, I want,
I want, I-I-I-I
I wanna ride you
- [sirens]
- Got truth, want tru...
Oh! Oh! Whoa!
Oh! Oh no! No!
[soft dramatic music]
Griff, you're hosting tonight.
Yeah, take this.
Ah, fuck.
I'm hosting tonight?
- Yep. Arnold was supposed to be here.
- [Kyle] Why?
I don't know where he is. He
should have been here by now.
I don't know what's going on.
I would have thought
you would have thrown
every single chair in the room
when you found out that he
bailed because of the gig.
- Gig? He's on a date.
- Date?
Amir lost his spot at The Store
And he took it. Like an asshole.
We gave him shit
for it. Check it out.
Kyle, I'm sure he'll be
here after his betrayal.
I don't know, man. You know,
he was drinking a lot.
Like, a lot.
What do you mean by a lot?
What the hell is going on here?
- Too much.
- Kyle?
Have you met Arnold?
Your car's probably
in the impound
with him sleeping
in it right now.
There is no way that Arnold
is that freaking stupid, man.
Oh my God. He knows that that
would totally tank
our renewal fund, man.
He knows that, right?
Maybe just throw one chair?
[dramatic music]
[Chet] I just want to know,
what I should do...
to be more... funny.
More funny than you are now?
Most funny in like two months,
so I could headline.
Maybe the comedy club, like
The J Spot or
- The Store, or anything.
- Wow, yeah.
I feel like, in greatness,
you should always just
push the boundaries.
- I feel like I'm close.
- You are very close, Chad.
- Just Chet, bro.
- Chet, sorry about that.
Be yourself, you
know what I mean?
You gotta be honest.
It's about truth, honesty...
- be yourself.
- Is this bandana honest?
Now step two is a lot
harder than step one.
That's step one.
Without step one,
there's no step two.
But step two, I'm gonna let
you in on a little secret.
Do you want me to...
No, come close.
I'm gonna tell you.
- What, closer?
- Listen, it's a fucking secret. Okay,
Step two, in this process,
is... when you leave here
- Okay.
- I want you to get into your car...
- I can do this.
- Turn on the car.
- Drive home...
- Eco mode or sport mode?
- Eco mode, of course.
- Okay.
One mile per hour
over the speed limit
to wherever it is that you live.
- That's badass.
- Okay?
When you get home, I want
you to get onto your bed
and I want you to meditate
for 20 minutes.
- So right up my alley.
- Okay?
I can so do that.
To the following mantra,
repeated after me.
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
- Okay.
Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
- I kinda like it, okay.
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, ya-yi-ya.
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi...
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hey ya.
At that point, I want you
to take two weeks off.
And then never do
standup comedy again.
- Okay.
- All right?
Thank you, David.
- Thank you, Chet.
- Great job up there.
Very nice work.
- And...
- Chet, Chad, Chet?
- Chet. Just Chet.
- Chet, just Chet.
All right, cool. I'll see
you guys later on my journey.
Okay, all right.
And the bandana looks great.
Thank you.
- Wow.
- Oh my God.
Where have you been?
Where have you been?
You leave me here with these
people? Where have you been?
Yeah, I feel really
bad about that.
Oh my God.
- So how's business?
- Business is good!
Comedy sucks. I actually
had a little trouble
getting all the seats
filled this week.
Oh, I wonder why.
Yeah, mainly
because nobody wants
to watch people bomb for an hour
and then come up there
and eat shit themselves. Yeah.
That's pretty much it.
Speaking of bombing, uh...
- anybody from the crew ever stop by?
- Oh...
Hell no. I wish. That's
why it's so good to see you.
Dante and Amir are on tour.
Devontae is hosting J Spot.
I would suck a pirate's
asshole just to hear Kyle
talk about having sex
with his sister, man.
- Oh, no, oh, not good.
- That's how bad it is.
That's how bad it is. Oh my God.
Why did you quit?
I... ugh.
I think I realized that, uh,
I dunno, I missed my window.
- Oh my God.
- I kinda aged out.
Oh, shut up.
That's the biggest pile
of eagle shit I've
ever heard in my life.
Nelly, why did you even get
into this in the first place?
You aged out, get the fuck...
You know why?
To make people laugh or cry.
Both, if I could have it my way.
Oh my God, that's the
thing with you young fucks.
You know, you just want
everything right now, you know?
You can't just
wait another year.
It's what... You know, you gotta
put the time in, come on.
Dave, I'm like two
years younger than you.
Oh. Well, in that case,
I'm surprised it took
you this long to quit.
Jesus Christ, what are
you doing with your life?
I do miss it though.
Yeah, I know you do.
That's why you're here.
- I missed you.
- Come here.
All right. All right. Aw.
Can I do five?
- Yes, go!
- Thank you.
Ladies, don't let
the patriarchy fool you.
We could step into brothels too.
Next time you're in Brazil,
I need you to go
to La Casa de Big Platanos
and you're gonna request
Senor Rico Gustavo Santiago.
You're gonna request
the number three.
You won't regret it.
It's like...
- taking a ride on the Magic School Bus.
- [laughter]
Can't fucking wait to go back.
[cheering, applauding]
I mean the first time I got
molly, I got it from my mom.
We were rolling together,
and when we do drug deals,
it's not like that
awkward, like,
"Oh my God," like
drug-deal conversation.
"How was your day?"
All we do is talk about
who's gonna do the dishes.
I loved your set. Oh my God.
The Casa to Ponte Nino's?
Oh my God.
I wasn't gonna do this, but
I just have to ask, okay?
I am starting my own
all-female standup troupe,
and we're just gonna be
touring like West Coast,
all along the
Pacific coast trail.
It's gonna be so pretty, and
it's, you know, not paid.
But all expenses are covered,
and our girl just like totally
ditched us last minute.
And so we're just trying
to fill in the spot
and I think you'd be
such a good addition.
Oh my God, just, do you
wanna, like, check it out?
The tour is called
"Yo Ga Girl Tour."
Isn't it cute? I came up
with it myself.
It's like, you know,
"You go, girl." Yeah.
- Yeah, I get it. I get it.
- Yeah, you get it? Okay, so,
We actually
like booked a shaman
like straight from Peru, right?
He's gonna bring some Ayahuasca.
We really want to get in touch
with our funny bones.
Because you know, all
comedians, especially fe...
Yeah, you can
take my number down.
Wait, wait. Really?
Yeah, yeah. Please
just stop talking.
I feel like dogs
are kinda like kids.
Yeah, nice. Nice. That, um...
Give it up again for um...
I don't rem... I don't actu...
I don't know who...
Yeah, who cares?
I'm not even really
sorry y'all. I... This is...
I can't believe y'all
keep having me come here
for this shit.
You keep this going.
Hopefully you got some drinks.
I think you did. Some of you
'cause I heard some
people were laughing.
There really wasn't
shit to laugh about
the whole night. At all.
None... They shit ain't funny.
So... Fuck you for having me.
Do you wanna... Wanna grab your
Yeah, that would be great.
Thank you.
I have it... here in a bag.
- so you can just...
- Oh, my God. Thank you.
It's all ready to go.
I don't know if you wanna go
through it, or...
- Eh, seems pretty good.
- All there?
Is that everything?
Stay right here. You reminded
Do you...
- Oh my God.
- Still play?
It's been, um...
- It's been years.
- It's something that maybe you...
- pick back up, Dave.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And, I'm sorry, too. You know...
I mean... I've been, uh...
I've been such a big baby
about this whole thing. I...
Literally, say no more.
- Oh my God.
- You're fine.
I... No, thank you.
And I...
You're fine.
Are you, uh... Are you...
Are you good?
- Yeah, I'm taking care of myself.
- Good.
[dramatic music]
[man] All right.
You got the... You ready?
I don't think that comes off,
- Huh?
- I jus... I... Nothing.
I think I almost got it.
I need the uh...
Could you get me the number
four outta my bag?
Please, 'cause I think
we're almost there.
A number four.
- Roman numeral?
- No, nevermind.
There's only alphabet letters,
Dad. There's no numbers.
Okay, okay. That's
all right, I got it.
Okay, Arnie, let's...
- Let's give it a shot, okay?
- Okay.
- Give it a try.
- All right.
Nope, nope, oh...
- There we go.
- There it goes.
I didn't flip the switch.
- So it's fixed.
- All right.
All right, good job.
Good job.
Got a little something
here for you.
Yeah? Ah.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Needed that.
All this hard work I'm doing.
I, uh...
I got you something for your
birthday next month.
Your mother said it would
be on my email here.
Ah. Okay... Just,
just go ahead and...
[soft music]
Did we get it right?
Your mother said you, you
were in a show with this guy.
Yeah, I did. That's, uh...
That's really cool, Dad.
Uh, thanks.
You look like I just
invited you to a damn funeral.
I don't know, I just,
I kinda miss it pretty
bad, that's all.
No, you know, well.
Standup is not my world,
but you know,
LA does not own comedy.
If you miss making
people laugh,
well, then, then do it.
You could do it anywhere.
- Yeah, yeah. Technically you're right.
- Yeah, of course I'm right.
You make me laugh. [chuckling]
Every time you climb the ladder.
"Oh! Ohh!"
I got an idea. Why don't
you give this guy a call?
Say you're in town. Oh!
You know what'll happen?
I've seen this happen
all the time on TV.
He calls you up
from the audience.
You go up on stage. And
you do a couple of bits.
Wow. I think...
I think you're right.
Maybe his agent will be there
and I can get signed by him too!
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh my God.
You're so right,
Dad. That's genius.
Back to Hollywood.
Back to Hollywood, there you go.
- Back to Hollywood.
- Oh my God, Dad.
Love you, but Jesus.
But when it came down to it,
I wanted to see what
them titties do, so I said
"roll 'em on out
and roll 'em back up," you know?
All right, let's keep it going
for your next comic
coming to the stage.
His name is Jared. Everyone
give it up for Jared.
Yeah, come on, Jared. You're up.
Here you go, man.
Thanks, man. Thank you.
Thank you.
So, uh, you know,
I celebrated uh...
there being no, uh, drug
with a celebratory
beer and some oxies.
Some oxies. Um...
That's everything I got.
Thank you so much,
guys. Appreciate it.
[light music]
Eh, you know who I think
is the biggest piece of shit on
That guy that picks
the neighborhood whore
and makes that his girlfriend.
Why would you do that?
That's so selfish.
That's locking yourself inside
Hometown Buffet
and there's a bunch
of starving people outside,
why would you do that?
You selfish motherfucker.
[crowd laughing]
Yeah, man. You remember
the old saying?
Don't turn... You can't
turn a ho into a housewife.
It seems like you guys have lost
that saying in this generation.
He was gonna
kick me out anyway.
I... I fucking left before...
You don't know that.
You just assumed that he would.
How did you know that he
was gonna kick you out?
How do you know that?
You know what, you know what?
I don't need to fucking
listen to this shit, man.
Yes, you do. You know what?
We didn't even think
you were that good.
We just liked you because we
thought you were a good guy.
And you know what kills me?
You know what fucking
kills me inside?
It kills me that I open
for one of the biggest
comedians in the world
and I'm calling you back
over and over again.
You fucking cocksucker.
What the fuck?
Yeah, you're right.
I avoid all my
problems. I always have.
Thank you for letting
me know that's something
I already fucking know, man.
You can't run forever.
And then you ran from
people that embraced you.
What kind of fucking
shit is that?
Okay, I fucked up.
You're damn right.
But at least... At least you
learned a valuable lesson.
Okay. Which is what?
To never do that shit again.
And to go back up
again tomorrow.
Oh, God. Come here,
man. Gimme a hug.
You fucked up, so you
get up, you come here.
- Come on. Come here.
- [groans]
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
- This is weird.
- Yeah, I know.
So what, it's only us here.
- You know what would make you feel better?
- What?
If you suck my
dick a little bit.
- Okay, oh my God.
- Come on, come on.
Do you know what they call my dick?
The Little Weinstein.
- All right.
- It creates headliners.
Yup. Okay, I'm outta here.
Come on, let me just
Weinstein your mouth.
All right.
He deserves it. He deserves
it, not the president.
You know? Fuck,
he's got a mansion,
he's got the private cook.
I would do the job
just for those things
with no money at all.
I mean, it's not that
hard of a choice anyways.
Oh my God, is that
who I think it is?
Is that Arnold?
What the hell are you
doing here right now, man?
[Arnold] I'm sorry.
You're... You...
I hope you're sorry.
Who'd like to hear
Arnold apologize, guys?
Come up here and tell
everybody that you're sorry.
No, just come up here.
- You're sorry?
- [woman] Come on!
Let's get your apology here.
All right, I'm gonna
go sit over here
and I'm gonna fucking be your
audience, all right.
Arnold Wilson, guys. Thank you.
[man] Apologize, bitch.
So, uh...
I did a, uh, fucked up thing
to Mr. Dave.
- And I got his car impounded.
- [man] What a dick.
For getting my third
fucking DUI.
And, uh, I ran away
so that I wouldn't have to...
hear about it.
And this is the first time
I've seen him since that.
And I am here to say
from the bottom
of my ice-cold, shallow
heart that...
I fucked up and I am sorry.
That's not loud enough,
[shouting] I fucked up.
I'm fucking sorry.
And I will never fucking
do that shit again.
- Louder, Arnold!
- [man] I didn't hear you.
I'm terribly sorry for being
a massive piece of fucking shit.
- Louder, Arnold!
- Louder!
We want more!
Dave, I fucked up,
and I am sorry!
I won't ever do that
fucking shit again!
I'm sorry for fucking jerking
off in my van too much.
I'm sorry for fucking...
[Dave] "I won't be
a backstabbing pussy," say it!
I won't be a backstabbing
fucking pussy.
Say it without being a fucking
little bitch about it.
I won't be a backstabbing
fucking pussy, okay?
"And I won't fucking
back-stab my fucking friends!"
And I won't back-stab
my fucking friends ever again.
"And I got tiny balls!"
- I do have tiny balls. I do have tiny balls.
- Whoo!
There we go. There we go.
Thank you, Arnold, thank you.
- [cheering]
- [man] Truth comes on thick.
Well, you know, there's...
someone told me last year
there's really no point
in holding grudges, so.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Tough lesson for me too.
- Are we even?
- Yeah.
Thank you. Fuck, man.
- [Dave grunts]
- Oh, God.
- Now we're even.
- [Arnold coughing]
It's just excuse after excuse
and it's just, like, oh my God!
Get up there and just bomb like
a man, you know what I mean?
'Cause they don't get
it. Every bomb is a gift.
You're saying I have
that fucking gift.
Yes! Your whole
life is a bomb, dude.
You actually fucking play?
- Yeah, man.
- Great.
This one goes out
to you, Arnold. Yeah.
Despite your best efforts
- You tried your damn best
- I see what you're doing now.
To tear down my business
A valiant quest
But MICerz don't rest
From dusk until dawn
So as of today
The Bomb Shelter lives
- Wow. Wow.
- Explosion, Arnold!
Okay, honestly, I see
why you fucking quit music.
Fuck you mean
The Bomb Shelter lives on?
It lives on, man.
It's gonna need one hell
of a paint job, my friend.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Okay, fuck washing dishes.
Yeah, whatever you need.
Can you put that
guitar away now?
I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm gonna walk home.
I will see you tomorrow,
bright and early.
- Where you going, Arnold?
- 11:00 a.m.
You don't want to hear a song
from me?
Arnold, it doesn't
have to be a lullaby.
We can play metal
shit together, bro!
Metal shit!
Explode, come on.
All right.
["Save Tonight" by
Eagle-Eye Cherry]
Go and and close
The curtain
'Cause all we need
Is candlelight
You and me,
And a bottle of wine
I'm gonna hold you tonight
- Well we know...
- Is that "Save Tonight"?
Oh my God!
Um, it...
'Cause girl you
Know I got to go
And Lord I wish it
Wasn't so
Save tonight
All right, no, seriously...
I don't have a car;
I need a ride.
Okay, get in.
Fight the break of dawn
You fucking weirdo.
I know.
I was a dick.
It's okay. I forgive you.
I just learned to...
let go of all things
and only accept what is.
Because... what is is,
and what is not is not.
That does not... make
any fucking sense,
but I'm glad I got to see you.
We should hit up
a mic sometime soon.
I gotta go meet up
with my girls for now.
We got meditation.
You meditate now.
Mm-hm. I went
on a standup tour
with all-female yogi comics,
- [Arnold scoffs]
- And I learned
something really profound.
That you made
a terrible fucking choice
'cause you're not
a fucking yogi?
- No.
- [chuckling]
That the lack of spirituality
in comedy is a problem
for the future.
However... The future...
Is female.
[scoffs] God, I hope not.
There she is.
Ow, fuck!
What the fuck, man?
Those, my friend, are the keys
to your new apartment, okay?
First key opens up the gate.
Second key opens
up the front door.
Yeah, I need you to work...
I need you to work here
while I get the second
place up and running.
Why, why me?
I need someone here
that I can trust.
I trust you a hell of a lot
less after you destroyed my car.
Again, I don't
deserve this, but...
Arnold gimme, gimme
one of those things, huh?
Looking at you makes me want
to do horrible things to myself.
Here's the thing, you know.
When I used to watch you...
- waking up every morning in that disgusting van.
- Aw, man.
You know, just sweating your
balls off.
You know, I thought to myself,
if this guy can put
himself through that...
Yo, and based on a very
thin monochrome of talent,
let's be honest here, Arnold.
- If that.
- Yeah.
If I give him
an opportunity,
there is a good
chance that this guy
could be fricking great.
Let me tell ya,
I know you're not
gonna let me down.
Are we... partners?
We're beyond partners,
bro. We're family, man.
[both laughing]
Yes! God!
Bomb Shelters everywhere, man!
- All right, all right.
- Okay? All right?
What's the deal,
you're not coming in?
Just enjoy the new place.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Um... You know man, I can't
thank you enough for...
Just ev... Everything.
Arnold, just try not
to fuck over any more
of your friends and
everything's gonna be fine.
- Cool. Yeah, totally.
- Work itself right out.
Got it, yeah. Great.
By the way. By the way...
I decorated the whole
place myself, all right?
It's fully furnished, it's
got everything you need.
[soft music rising]
All right, next comic
coming to the stage.
When I roll up to the club
[upbeat hip hop]
All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka
Pull up on dub in the
Backseat is chonka lonka
Better show me love
If you know you
Got a chonka lonka
Don't care about them jugs
I just wanna see some
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Bounce up, down,
Side to the side
While your chonka lonka in
My grown bumpin' collide
I like it big,
Thick and wide
Just like I like
My chicken fried
Deep down south where
They let it all hang out
Now jiggle to the left then
You jiggle to the right
Then make it
Bounce up and down
I can do this all night
Damn girl, just make that
Booty twirl and swirl
Then put it in my lap
And make it go
[clapping to beat]
When I roll up to the club
All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka
Pull up on dubs in the
Backseat is chonka lonka
Better show me love
If you know you
Got a chonka lonka
Don't care about them jugs
I just wanna see your
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
When I come up in the club
I ain't trying to
Talk to no girl
I'm just trying to
See you bend over
And shake your
Chonka lonka
Why girl, with
The shirts on
I ain't tryin' to see
No titties
I'm tryin' to see your
Chonka lonka
Gettin' nasty and jiggly
I want it all in my face
Shake it so hard to
Make the earth quake
Put it in my lap
And grind it hard
I want you to make
My pelvis break
Big girls, put it down
Shake your chonka lonka
to the ground
But I'm gettin' tired
Shut it, I don't
Wanna hear your mouth
When I roll up to the club
All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka
Pull on dub in the
Backseat is chonka lonka
Better show me love
If you know you got a
Chonka lonka
Don't care about them jugs
All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
Chonka lonka
All right, hold up,
We about
To break it down right now
That's if you got one, huh
Check this out then
If you got you a
Chonka lonka
Put it on the ground
Put it on the ground
Put it on the ground
If you got you a
Chonka lonka
Put it on the ground
Put it on the ground
Put it on the ground
If you got a chonka lonka
Make it bounce up and down
Bounce up and down,
Bounce up and down
If you got a chonka lonka
Make it bounce up and down
Bounce up and down,
Bounce up and down
Now grind, shake,
Grind, shake
Grind, shake, grind, shake
Now grind, shake,
Grind, shake
Chonka lonka