Michael (1996) Movie Script
- 'Night.
- Good night.
Right here is fine.
Think this is bleak enough?
My ears are frozen, my feet are frozen,
this is as far as it goes.
Malt won't like this.
- What's he not going to like?
- He'll find something.
Besides us, you mean?
Yes.
Huey...
You sit in the sled.
Santa, Sparky...
...presents...
...reindeer...
...fake snow.
- What are we missing?
- Children.
Let them out.
Let them out.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
When they handed out the parts,
you got the heart.
Right. I got the heart.
You mean you got the brains?
I mean between the two of us,
you got the heart.
Together we make a person.
What is this, Craddock, a joke?
- Who was in charge here?
- Me.
- I was.
- Right. This was Quinlan's baby.
Quinlan...
Let me ask you a question.
You was a big-shot investigative
reporter for the Chicago Tribune.
Won some prizes.
Give him a biscuit.
What do these look like to you?
They're Indians dressed up as Eskimos.
Indians, Eskimos,
what's the difference?
- That's what we thought.
- Shut up.
That's cool.
Do you know the only prize I ever got?
It's there, on the walls.
I got four and a half
million people who buy...
...the National Mirror every week.
Do you know how many...
...of those 4.5 million readers...
...are Indians or Eskimos
or Eskimo-Indians?
- I told him. American children.
- Americans...
...want to see pictures of Americans.
- They are Americans.
- Americans.
- Is that too much to ask for Christmas?
- No, sir...
...and I'll get someone right on it.
My little poochie, look at you.
If you don't teach that dog...
...some manners soon,
somebody else will have to.
How long were you
Elizabeth Taylor's pool man?
Reincarnation, Miss Hucklow speaking.
Were you on the bed when it levitated?
He lives in your refrigerator?
Can I put you on hold for a second?
I'll go to my desk and take this call.
No, don't let him out. Okay, hold on.
Here's something interesting.
Malt sent you for the tree this year.
I forgot.
I found it in Montana.
As soon as I see it, I know
it's too big to fit on the truck...
...but then I think, what if someone
sees it while I try to find one...
...that'll fit on the truck?
Then Malt gets...
...the second biggest Christmas
tree in the U.S. and I'm screwed.
Yeah, well, that's good thinking.
- So I cut the top off.
- You did that?
I didn't know it'd be
a major problem...
...to put the top part of
a tree back on the bottom.
He will never fire you.
Look at the walls.
Look. Look at the walls.
He's got millions of dollars
tied up in that dog...
...and the dog belongs to you.
Hold on to that dog, Huey.
What?!
Driscoll!
Driscoll, come in here.
We are going to get it, Sparky.
"Dear Mr. Quinlan,
I'm a great admirer...
"... of your prose and can tell
you have a sensitive nature.
"I have had an angel...
"... named...
"... Michael...
"... living with me for almost six
months now. He's extremely polite.
"I have enclosed a photograph to prove
to you that I have not lost my wits.
"I know that you and Sparky
travel all over for your stories.
"That one about the coconut
with the wedding ring inside...
"... was very, very nice.
"And I think you should visit Iowa...
"... and see us...
"... for yourself.
"Sincerely, Pansy Milbank. "
Did your mother drop you?
What was going on in that pea brain...
...that let you take this superb
creation of the Lord Almighty...
...and chop it in half?
Whatever I pay you, it's too much.
How much does Fred make?
The janitor? I cannot
survive on a janitor's salary.
- Help me?
- Kill the dog.
Were you invited?
- Let him go on the highway.
- Wait a minute.
What kind of person are you?
Who is this?
Dorothy Winters. She works here.
I do? I got the job?
- You won't regret this, Mr. Malt.
- Do you know what that is?
That...
...is an angel.
That is a genuine angel.
Huey...
...discovered it.
- Is it for real?
- Absolutely.
You'll get me this angel?
That's exactly what we'll do.
We'll put it on the front page, bold.
- Some white fluffy clouds.
- There you go.
- A drift of sky.
- You got it.
And some musical notes.
- Poetry.
- Don't play...
...with me, Quinlan.
You really are...
...going to go fetch me
this angel for Christmas...
...or...
...I fire the two of you...
...and I keep the dog.
Deal.
Need a conference with my colleague.
You cannot live on Fred's salary.
You cannot. That's a deal.
Don't you worry about a thing,
Mr. Malt.
- We'll leave tomorrow.
- Right.
We're taking...
...Sparky with us.
And Miss Winters.
They are?
- Why are we taking her?
- She's an expert.
In what?
Angels.
Miss Winters is an expert in angels.
I have something to tell you.
I won't take care of you anymore.
Your parents will find someone else...
Don't look at me like that.
I have this wonderful new job.
The only problem is, I must pretend
to be an angel expert for a few days.
It'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
And so will you.
Good dogs.
- You've had an encounter with an angel?
- No.
Yes.
Maybe.
- Have you ever met an angel?
- Once.
I got a flat tire on
a deserted country road.
There was no food, no water,
it was 108 degrees...
...and a man in a white robe
suddenly appeared on the horizon...
...with a spare and a jack.
Kidding.
I am.
Bradley used to tease.
Who's Bradley?
My ex-husband.
Better watch it, Quinlan.
We should start over.
When something's going wrong,
it's best to start over. I'll go first.
- Where did you get Sparky?
- Oh, no.
He came up to Huey in a parking lot.
Huey was eating a doughnut,
and was trying to kick him away...
You were trying to kick the dog?
I wasn't trying to kick him. I was
trying to shoo him away very gently.
...when...
...Malt comes out,
sees the dog and stops dead.
Seems Malt was once a child
who'd had a dog just like...
...Sparky.
That's so sweet.
Anyway...
...Malt's eyes get all teary...
...and he pours out this story,
about his dog Sparky...
...which ended up
underneath a tractor tire.
You know what Huey did?
Huey turns to Malt and says,
"Mr. Malt, that's amazing!
"This dog's named Sparky too. "
In no time at all, the dog is famous.
Has his own column,
saved Huey's neck 100 times.
Milk Bottle Motel. Here.
Milk Bottle Motel.
Looks like your angel checked out.
Somebody's here.
Mrs. Milbank?
I'm Frank Quinlan
from the National Mirror.
About your letter?
This is my associate,
Mr. Hugh Driscoll.
How are you?
And this is Dorothy Winters,
who is an expert in...
...various things.
And this is...
...Sparky.
You're just as handsome
as in the pictures.
I think he's cold.
- I wouldn't know why not.
- We better get him inside.
Sparky, here you are.
What's that wonderful smell?
You must be baking.
Well, it was nice of you to come.
Don't...
...shake me, Mr. Quinlan.
I'm contemplating my death.
Are you with the angel?
Do you see an angel?
I don't think I do.
Then how could I be with him?
Well, we don't know exactly
how it works with angels.
How it works?
If he's in the room
then you're with him.
If he's somewhere else...
...then you're not.
And that's why we can't see him now?
He's not here.
Are you impaired in some way...
...that I haven't noticed, Miss?
Ms. Winters...
...has probably never heard of
an angel living in a motel.
You think I'm full of shit.
No, no. Nothing like that.
I don't judge these things.
I don't decide what's real or not.
- I've seen too many things myself.
- We heard of a werewolf in S. Jersey.
- We went there.
- To locate the werewolf.
In that particular case...
...that person was convinced that
the werewolf was in the room with us.
They could see it,
although Mr. Quinlan and myself...
We couldn't, but that
doesn't mean it wasn't there.
Michael?
Are you coming down, dear?
Yeah.
Be right down.
Just got to find my smokes.
They're beside the bed,
next to my cortisone.
Did you find them?
He'll be down directly.
That smell is so familiar.
It's like something from childhood.
Oh, God.
Michael, look who's come to visit us!
It's Sparky.
How do you do?
You'll have to excuse Michael.
He's not good at suffering fools...
...but he'll be better in the morning.
Where is the thermostat in here?
Are we talking about an angel here?
- We can't be talking about an angel.
- There is no such...
...thing as an angel.
That is definitely...
...the weirdest thing I have ever seen.
It's like some great big bird...
- ... made love to that guy's mother.
- And we reap the benefits.
I'm set for life.
I could even get a raise.
I thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus. I thank you, Jesus.
I thank you, Jesus.
- What?
- That is not an angel.
- It is too.
- It is not.
I will handle this.
Where has he been?
- Meaning what?
- Meaning if he were a man with wings...
...which is the alternative,
we'd have heard about him.
You don't show up at his age with wings.
There'd be a story in the papers.
- In the National Mirror.
- Exactly. "Baby born with wings. "
"Bird-man of Iowa. "
It's not angel vs. man with wings.
There are other possibilities.
Like what?
It's fairly obvious, isn't it?
He's a younger man. She's an
older woman. He's after her money.
A gigolo with wings.
A gigolo.
What money is he after?
The Milk Bottle Motel fortune?
You don't have to have money
for someone to try to take it.
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
Is it so hard to imagine...
...that a man would be
after a woman's money?
Is this Brightly? Or Brinkley?
What's his name?
- Bradley.
- Is this him we're talking about?
- Actually, no. It's Miles.
- Who's Miles?
My second husband.
Miles was wild. It lasted a week.
You left him?
No, he left me, in my Camaro.
I see.
I'll bet he racked up $5,000 on your
Visa bill too, didn't he? Didn't he?
You just know everything, don't you?
Angels don't smoke.
I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That is a horrible expression.
It is not...
...an expression.
That's good.
He's so hungry.
Oh, boy.
Good boy.
What a sweet doggie.
How would you like
your eggs, Mr. Quinlan?
Sparky's look good.
Over easy!
Last night we were
discussing your wings.
Would you mind if I took a closer look?
Let them look at your wings, Michael.
They're from the National Mirror.
Thank you.
- Not bad.
- Compared to what?
- I've seen birds.
- Would you mind if I touched?
I'd rather you didn't.
We'd like to take a look to see
how you have these things attached.
Pull on your pecker and
see how that's attached.
Watch your language, mister.
Pecker. An angel that says pecker.
Language...
...gentlemen.
How would you like your eggs?
What's in the oven?
The smell is so delicious.
We are serving eggs
this morning and that's that.
Over easy would be just fine.
Over easy!
I thought angels were...
...cleaner.
She doesn't mean to offend. It's...
Miss Winters is an angel
expert and she gets kind of...
...literal. What she
probably wants to know is...
- ... can you fly?
- I don't...
...want to know if he can fly.
He can't. Only little angels-
Says who?
I just thought...
Halos? Inner light?
I'm not that kind of angel.
- What kind of angel are you?
- Michael is an archangel.
He battled Lucifer and
threw him out of Heaven.
Revelation Twelve, verse seven.
That was a long time ago.
He smote a bank for me.
- A bank?
- I knew it. Money was involved, right?
I should say so.
- After Elmer died...
- Who's Elmer?
My husband. After he died...
...they built the highway
and stole all my truckers.
And then the bank...
...came to...
...take the Milk Bottle...
...and I prayed for help...
...until God sent me Michael.
She was persistent.
You came...
...down and smote the bank?
A branch. First Iowa Bank of Commerce.
It was lovely. He walked into
the manager's office and said...
- What was that you said?
- Money changer!
"Money changer...
"... I shall turneth this earthly den
into a parking lot. "
Did I say that? I didn't say that.
They didn't believe us,
so Michael flattened it.
- You did that?
- Had to.
Into a parking lot?
Well, they said it was a tornado.
This town doesn't really need
a parking lot, but it's more...
...cosmopolitan.
And what about the money?
We never heard another word about it.
Did we?
Nope.
You look like...
...you must eat a robust breakfast.
How would you like your eggs?
Poached?
That's... Poached is fine.
Poached.
"The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside
the still waters... "
Look, she's happier
where she is, right?
Heaven?
She's happier up there?
It isn't my area.
You hardly knew her.
She died cooking us breakfast.
She died making breakfast.
What is it that you keep
writing in that book?
Lyrics.
To what?
I write Country Western songs.
It's my hobby.
"Earth to earth...
"... ashes to ashes...
"... and dust to dust.
"The Lord bless and keep you...
"... and give you peace. "
Justine? It's Quinlan.
Put me straight through.
What you got?
Wings.
Real wings.
Don't play with me, Quinlan.
This guy is about six feet tall.
He has wings from his shoulders
to his knees. But he's filthy.
We'll have to clean him
and put him in a white robe.
Get Craddock to dig up those sandals
with the straps that go up your legs.
Too bad he's not blond.
Angels are supposed to be blond.
But "Oprah," Barbara,
"The Today Show... "
"... Hard Copy," book the works.
Don't mess this one up.
I want that guy
on the first plane to Chicago.
Or does the bird-man fly himself?
I don't know if he actually
uses the wings, but God...
...wouldn't that be a draw?
Don't worry. He's in safe hands.
And I'm the Queen of England.
Don't fret, Malt.
He's in safe hands.
In view of this,
should we call the girl off?
No, no, leave her where she is.
I'm in a no-lose situation.
Hey, Mike.
Michael.
Have you...
...ever seen the world's
biggest ball of twine?
No.
We must go-
I saw the world's biggest cannonball.
Mesopotamia.
- I wonder if it's still there.
- Mesopotamia isn't still there.
- Nothing lasts.
- Listen...
I have to ask a favor.
Huey and I, we're on a little
bit of a losing streak.
Quit.
We can't. He's got a mortgage.
Three kids in a soccer camp.
A wife.
God knows he loves her...
...but she's burning a hole
in his pocket, and I...
Well...
Love to fight. Like me. We'll drive.
Where?
Chicago. Isn't that
where you want to go?
I know. That's why I wrote you.
You wrote?
Yeah. My idea.
Why are we driving?
I mean, why don't we fly?
All of us together in a plane.
It's safer. Much safer.
Nobody believes it...
...but statistically it's true...
- ... and the paper'll pay.
- Nope.
- We need time.
- Time for what?
Smokes.
Smokes. Besides...
...I'll get to see the world's
largest ball of twine.
- It's on the way.
- Great.
- You'll owe me something.
- Money?
I can't quote a figure, but there'll be
plenty of money, I promise you that...
...once the world sees...
- ... pictures of these babies.
- No.
- You'll owe me an apology.
- An apology, for what?
Sure, I apologize. Whatever.
Not now. When I say so.
And no pictures.
No pictures? Are you kidding me?
Not until we get to Chicago.
Deal?
Deal.
I like your coat better.
It's yours.
The world's biggest ball
of twine is two hours from here.
I'd like to see it before the sun sets.
- They'll exploit you. You must know.
- I'm going.
Well I'm not. For your sake.
You are or I'll have to tell
them the truth about you.
What?
I know why you're here...
...and it has nothing to do with angels.
How do you know?
I pay attention.
Also...
- ... I'd like you to sing.
- A song?
Of course.
Fine.
I'll sing.
Now?
When I tell you to.
In the national news:
Hog futures are down 1/4 in Chicago
and selling down 1/8 in Sioux City.
Hog futures.
Hog futures are down 1/4.
- What's the opposite of white?
- Black.
Wrong. Yolk.
Is that like an egg joke?
When we stop to eat will
you put your coat back on?
- Why?
- Your wings.
People will see your wings.
Are you afraid they'll
think less of you?
They won't know what to think.
Many people aren't
as sophisticated as me and Huey.
We don't want any trouble.
We want to get to Chicago.
He's worried somebody might
try to steal his story.
- I'm not worried.
- You're worried.
Look what Pansy left us.
Car Bingo.
Dig the propaganda.
"The miles will fly and your
children won't cry if you play...
"... Car Bingo. "
All right. Everybody gets one.
Here. Hand them out.
- What do we do?
- Here are the pencils.
Instead of writing a number
you write what you see.
Dog. One point for me.
- Not fair! You played this before.
- Not fair to me, I'm driving.
Deal with it. Bird on a wire.
- Picket fence.
- Policeman.
Where?
That was good.
You must learn to laugh.
It's the way to true love.
"The world's largest ball of twine...
- "... has a circumference of 45 ft... "
- What's the excuse?
It'll take longer because
we must stay off the highway.
Fly.
- He won't fly.
- Why?
He can't fit in coach. His wings
take too much space.
You'll pay first class?
Drive.
"... it was transported here.
There's enough twine... "
Battle.
Don't worry. What can happen?
Trust me. Nothing.
Don't fret, Malt.
What are you doing?
Battle!
You know what that is?
Battle.
Michael, don't.
I am completely happy.
Are you all right?
Can you feel your legs.
No injuries. Six thousand
three hundred and sixty battles.
Can you sit up?
Of course I can sit up.
Now, that...
...that is my nature.
But I'm doomed to live in one place
and crave the pleasures of another.
But don't you feel sorry for me.
Why would we?
Because this is my last blast. 26.
That's all we get. Thank you, Quinlan.
For what?
I think he's saying
there's no sex in Heaven.
It's not polite to talk about someone in
the third person when the person's here.
I know. I'm very sorry. Sparky!
What do you mean...
...last blast?
Only so many visits allowed.
I'm going to miss everything so much.
Why are you here?
Why are you saying it has
anything to do with me?
The Sun had an argument with the North
Wind. Who was smarter? Stronger?
The North Wind pointed out
a man walking down the street.
"I can make that man
take his coat off and you can't. "
"I'll take that bet," said the Sun.
The North Wind blew and the more...
...that wind blew, the tighter that
man held that coat around himself.
And then the Sun...
...came out and smiled...
...and it became warmer, and...
...the man took off his coat.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Did you make a bet about me?
- I had to get back here somehow.
Watch the wings there, buddy.
That's not how you eat a lemon.
How do you eat a lemon?
You cut it in half...
- ... put salt on it.
- That's how you eat a lemon.
- That is how you eat a lemon.
- What is this, a rule?
Hey, you too.
- Thank you.
- Do you have pie?
Do you have pie?
I'm a writer too.
Really. What did you write?
Psalm eighty-five.
It wasn't called Psalm 85
when I wrote it.
I didn't know they'd be
collected and numbered.
That was around the time
I invented standing in line.
You invented standing in line?
Before everybody milled around.
It was a mess.
So one day I said,
"Why not make a line?"
For what?
To get in.
- Ask him what you want to know.
- What do I want to know?
He wants to know why angels
don't solve big problems.
That is what I want to know.
Why don't angels...
...solve big problems?
You can't change
the nature of the world.
What can you do?
Small miracles, only so many.
Some angels aren't so smart.
- They use them up in stupid ways.
- Like the parking...
...space angel.
I don't like to criticize other angels.
I'll be with you in a minute.
This is how you eat a lemon.
Excuse me.
They want me.
- Remember what John and Paul said.
- The Apostles?
No, the Beatles.
"All you need is love. "
Hello there, ladies.
Do you believe in angels?
Absolutely.
Have you ever heard of an angel
that was interested in sex?
Of course not.
Angels do not have sex.
- But is there one?
- I suppose...
...he invented standing in line.
I'm going to take you for a walk.
Let's go.
Suzanne, what's going on?
Follow me, ladies.
Follow me.
I invented the hole in the coffee cup.
When you get coffee to go.
I was the first person to rip
the little hole in the lid...
...so you could drink it in the car.
- Could've made a fortune.
- It's weird.
- What?
- She's an angel expert, but-
What?
Battle.
For God's sake, Michael...
...stop.
- Battle.
- You better believe it.
It's caramels. He smell like caramels.
It's cotton candy.
He smells like cookies. The smell
gets stronger when he's in heat.
You are a great fighter.
Certainly am.
I'm cold.
You from the National Mirror?
I got a 2-headed chicken...
...if you're interested.
What are we held for?
Destruction of property, assault...
...disturbing the peace.
The Magistrate...
...will be here in the morning.
- I had nothing to do with this.
- 'Night.
We have a phone call coming to us.
Ralph got thrown in jail, but at least
he had the decency to keep me out of it.
I don't want to spend the night here.
I hate you.
What? You hate me?
- Not you.
- You hate me?
- Not you.
- Process of elimination.
Who's Ralph?
Another...
...husband...
...has popped up.
Maybe Sparky can get us out.
Go in the drawer and get the key.
Go in the drawer...
...and get the key.
Dorothy can make him do it.
Dorothy's good with dogs.
I have noticed this.
Dogs don't talk.
They don't shave.
They don't run off in your Camaro.
When you want them to take
a bath, you make an appointment.
Sit. Stay.
Roll over.
Now.
What?
Apologize.
Say you're sorry.
To her?
Be serious.
Or...
...I am not going to...
"Chicago...
"... Chicago...
"... that toddling town,
that toddling town
"Chicago...
"... Chicago
"I'll show you around
"You'll love it"
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
You cold?
Here, take my blanket, okay?
I'm going to sleep.
Me too.
All rise, all rise.
Bickel County Court is in session,
Hon. Judge Esther Newberg presiding.
Please rise.
Be seated.
Now...
...you are charged with...
...disturbing the peace,
destruction of property.
$1,200 worth.
I spoke to Jenny.
Who's...
- ... Jenny?
- That's his wife.
That sweet painting above the bar...
"... Two Moose Hunters in a Canoe,"
smashed to smithereens.
That is so sad.
- Isn't this a conflict of interest?
- Did I say...
...you could speak?
I know someone who restores
paintings. I said:
"Stop crying, I'll take care of it. "
Who can tell me exactly
what happened...
...last night?
I can.
- Anyone else?
- We were having dinner.
- Not you.
- If I may.
Put your hand down.
You.
Please.
In chambers.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickel County,
Judge Esther Newberg presiding...
...is now in recess.
Please rise.
"Love, love, love
"Love, love, love
"Love, love, love
"It's easy
"All you need is love
"All you need is love
"All you need is love, love
"Love is all you need
"There's nothing you can
know that isn't known
"There's no one you can save
that can't be saved
"Nothing you sing can't be sung
"But you can learn how to play the game
"It's easy
"All you need is love"
Come on, sing.
"All you need is love"
Not you. Not yet.
"All you need is love"
Just the guys.
Come on, fellas.
"Love is all you need
- "Love is all you need"
- Bring it down.
Wait a minute. Wait.
- Meadsboro, one mile.
- So?
That's where the world's largest
non-stick frying pan is.
We are not stopping to see the
world's largest non-stick frying pan.
- Why not?
- Because we have to get back.
Me too. But before that happens...
...I'd like to see the largest
non-stick frying pan.
- It is on the way.
- When we stop, he gets us in trouble.
He also gets us out of trouble.
What? Well, he does.
That judge just took
one look at him and...
What is that?
What is it about you?
As a woman, could you explain that?
How should I know? I'm not
the least bit attracted to him.
- No offense, but I'm not.
- I put a block on you.
- Sure.
- I did.
All right.
To continue.
"Presumably, this frying pan
was coated...
"... with Teflon to save a wee bit...
"... on the amount of cholesterol
ingested by the town of Meadsboro...
"... when they get together to honor...
- "... the egg. "
- We're not stopping.
You have 10 seconds
to change your mind.
Ten hippopotamus...
...nine hippopotamus...
How much more attractive is he
than I am? Be honest with me.
Huey, this is not healthy.
...five hippopotamus...
...four hippopotamus...
...three, two, one!
No jack. Of course there is no jack.
Just ask him to fix it.
He blew it. He can fix it.
Come back here and fix this tire.
No can do.
I miss my wife.
I don't miss any of my husbands.
Although Bradley was handy with a jack.
He had to be.
I don't want to ask why.
His tires were bald.
His tires were bald, so was his head.
I wish he'd called, but now he's dead.
He's not dead, he wasn't bald.
Poetic license.
"His tires were bald...
"... and they went flat
"So did our love...
"... and that was that"
Maybe you could write
a song about my wife.
Do you love her?
Yeah, she drives me wild.
What about her?
She had her lips done.
Had little bits of fat...
...squeezed into them.
Now my wife has lips like a blowfish.
But in a good way.
"My wife has lips like a blowfish"
I don't see it, but I could be wrong.
If I had any talent as a Country
singer, I wouldn't be sitting here.
"Sitting on the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere"
Sounds awfully familiar.
It's good though.
This is one godforsaken road.
I bet you no one ever comes down it.
Yeah, well, they won't stop, though.
Bet you need a jack.
Then what happened was...
...he came as a hundred mouths,
open and stinking with decay...
...and he tore at my flesh
from every angle of Heaven.
I grabbed Beelzebub's blue
tongue in my fist...
Who's Beelzebub?
Beelzebub is Satan.
Michael, get in the car.
- What'll it be, folks?
- Do you have pie?
Do we have pie?
You're in the pie capital of America.
Well, we want...
We want pie. What have you got?
I got them memorized, okay? Ready?
We got apple, of course...
...banana cream, coconut
cream, sour cream raisin.
Chocolate cream?
Definitely. Chocolate cream...
...and...
...strawberry rhubard pie and...
...cherry...
...and lemon meringue.
We want two slices of everything.
And vanilla ice cream on the side.
- Bliss.
- That's banana cream, that's chocolate.
Everybody get out of my banana cream.
That's the pie.
What is, what is this pie?
Sour cream raisin.
What is it about pie?
There's nothing prettier than pie...
...with scalloped edges and slits
in the top for the heat to escape.
Pie gives you the sense that you're
a 4-square person...
...living in a 4-square country.
- A pie says home.
- As American as apple pie.
I wish I invented pie.
I did.
I'm just kidding.
That was a good one.
God is in His Heaven
and all's right with the world.
My mother...
- ... made a great-
- Blueberry pie.
So do I.
I have to say I like...
...cream pie more than fruit pie.
Me too.
That is so wrong.
I like them all.
I like you.
Sing your song about pie.
You have a song about pie?
Actually I do.
Sing, Dorothy.
Now.
"Pie, pie...
"... me, oh, my
"Nothing tastes sweet,
wet, salty, and dry
"All at once so well as pie
"Apple, pumpkin,
mince and black bottom
"I'll come to your place...
"... every day if you've got 'em
Pie, me, oh, my, I love pie"
Sing another song.
It's in B flat. It's pretty basic but
watch out for the retard down there.
I'm nervous.
You'll have to forgive me,
it's a work in progress.
Don't apologize, Dorothy. Okay.
"I'm sitting by the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere
"I don't know where I'm going...
"... but I hope I know it
when I get there
"Thinking about how
love never works out
"But I guess that's the way it goes
"And how this story ends
only Heaven knows
"I always thought there was an angel...
"... watching over me
"But even angels sometimes
make mistakes...
"... as you will see
"'Cause I've had my share
of bad love affairs
"In fact, I married three
"So here's my little story...
"... about Miles, Ralph, and Bradley
"Miles made me smile...
"... till he stole my Camaro
"Ralph made me laugh till I cried
"And Bradley...
"... I loved him madly
"But his tires were bald...
"... and they went flat
"So did our love and that was that
"Now I'm sitting in the middle
of nowhere by the side of the road
"One of these days I'll find true love
"And learn how to say no
"I know in the past...
"... my love didn't last
"As I guess this story shows
"Where was my angel then...
"... only Heaven knows
"Where was my angel then...
"... only Heaven knows"
- I went to college. I was published.
- You were?
I was. It was like a yearly
thing of poems, you know.
It's great. That's great.
It's really great.
It's cold.
I'm in there, this is Huey's room.
Where are you?
I'm in four.
Where is that?
It's up there.
- Where exactly?
- On the corner.
Right there?
You're directly over my room.
You were great.
Really great.
It was...
- Good night.
- Good night.
It was...
"Something in your eyes...
"... makes me want to lose myself
"Makes me want to lose myself...
"... in your arms"
What are you doing tonight?
Not much.
Want to come to my room?
Why don't you come to mine?
That's a good idea.
"If you knew...
"... how lonely...
"... my life has been
"And how low...
"... I've felt...
"... so long
"If you knew...
"... how I wanted someone...
"... to come along
"And change my life... "
- I must tell you something.
- I know.
- I'm not-
- Ever falling in love with anyone again.
I know.
"Feels like home to me
"Feels like I'm all the way back...
"... where I come from"
Come here, Sparky.
Come here.
Wings?
Far out.
Some angel.
I needed the job.
Good morning.
What exactly are we
talking about here?
At the paper. That's what
I tried to tell you last night.
I don't make excuses
for working in there...
...there's no reason for you to.
Here's a confession.
You want to hear a confession?
Yours?
I needed the job too.
No one'd go near me after
what happened at the Tribune.
What did happen?
I hit the managing editor.
Why?
He fired this really sweet old guy
who'd been there for, like, 27 years...
Really?
Nope.
He changed my lead.
You hit him because
he changed your lead?
It was late. I was drunk.
It makes no difference where I work.
That's a lie.
Bet you've got a half-finished
novel in your desk.
She got the desk.
Are you keeping something from me?
I'm not ethical.
Just because you write about
angels for a supermarket tabloid?
Are you keeping some
angel experience from me?
If you are I forgive you.
I think I could forgive you anything.
This was not a mistake.
Don't say it was a mistake.
I couldn't bear it.
It's going well.
It's a difficult case, though.
To give a man back his heart.
Listen.
Listen to the earth.
I'm going to miss everything so much.
Remember, Sparky...
No matter what they say...
...you can never have too much sugar.
Good morning, Michael.
Good morning, Sparky.
No, he's all right.
Oh, I killed him.
- It's not your fault.
- It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry, Huey.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Do something.
It isn't my area.
What is your area?
Explain it to me.
Somebody tell me exactly
what is his area.
I don't know anything about his area.
That's what I meant to tell you.
What?
I don't know anything about angels.
I'm a dog trainer.
That's why I was hired.
To train Sparky?
And then after...
...we screw up with the angel
and Malt gets the dog...
I get Huey's job.
I didn't know you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Now bring him back to life.
Don't give me any of that "it isn't my
area" stuff. Bring him back to life...
...or go back where you came from.
Bring him back.
Angel.
I don't have much longer.
We're here, Michael. We're here.
Look up.
"The Sears Tower in Chicago
is the world's tallest building.
"It stands 1,454 feet
above street level...
"... contains enough concrete...
"... for an eight-lane highway. "
Quinlan, I'm so sorry.
I didn't do what I came for.
I didn't finish.
I'm so sorry.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Michael.
Thank you for everything.
For letting me have a little fun.
Good-bye, my battling friend.
Good-bye world's biggest angel.
Godspeed.
- You're late.
- We know.
Where's the angel?
It was a hoax.
- A hoax?
- A hoax.
Definitely.
- He had detachable wings.
- And a halo made out of pipe cleaners.
And he smelled of cookies.
Just kidding.
I win.
You're fired...
...and I get the dog.
Come on, my little sausage.
You come to your daddy.
You bastard.
Listen.
Don't hate me. I love you.
Get the mutt out.
Like that dog can be gotten out.
Like he can do anything.
That is the worst dog...
- ... I've ever met.
- You said you could train any dog.
She was wrong.
So I'm stuck with these two
because of a dog?
You're stuck with Mr. Driscoll,
not with me.
We met a guy with a 2-headed chicken.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Get off.
Whatever I said, don't...
...don't take it personally.
- You're the best reporter I have.
- I'm out of here.
You're just going to leave?
- We won't talk about it?
- Nope.
Come on.
Talk to me.
Disagree with me.
Argue me out of it.
All right, let's have
a fight. Fight me.
You're the only one
that ever fought with me here.
Who will I fight?
- You must help me out here.
- It isn't my area.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
Please stop.
Stop and talk...
...to me.
I appreciate what you said
up there. I thank you.
- I'll see you around.
- You said...
...you could forgive me anything.
I forgive you.
We had a good time.
What are you so upset about?
It's you.
I remember you.
I thought you were gone.
"I took a trip on a train
"And I thought about you
"I passed a shadowy lane
"And I thought about you"
Good evening.
For our specialties tonight,
we have angelhair pasta...
...with a pomodoro sauce...
...capellini primavera,
it's a melange of vegetables...
...over angelhair pasta...
...finally a light sauce with...
...lemon and parsley...
...it's tossed...
...with angelhair pasta.
- Anything else?
- Yes. We want...
...one pumpkin nut muffin and...
A piece of angel food cake.
They don't have angel food cake.
Do you?
"And what did I do...
"... I thought about you"
So, did you...
...ever tell anyone about...?
I was going to.
I couldn't wait to get home
to tell Valerie.
And then I opened my mouth...
...and the words wouldn't come out.
I take a breath, I even opened
my mouth a second time.
Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned,
it never happened.
But we saw it.
We were there.
It never happened.
What are you up to now?
I'm back on the novel.
If it didn't happen,
where's your coat?
What is this? If it happened,
you know what?
Then I must believe
that some day I'll be walking...
...down the street, and some
unknown force will make me...
...turn right instead of turning left...
...and at that moment...
...a car will...
...come around the corner
with the woman of my dreams in it...
...and blow a flat...
...right there next to
where I'm standing.
It never happened.
Need any help?
- No. Thanks.
- No. We're cool.
Michael, wait!
What are you doing here?
I live here.
I live two blocks from here.
I was on my way home and...
...I thought I saw...
He came around this corner.
That corner.
I love you, Dorothy.
I love you.
Marry me.
Marry me, please.
Marry me, Dorothy.
Oh, my darling Dorothy,
will you marry me?
Let's go home.
You know, Pansy,
I invented marriage.
- Michael.
- Well, I did.
Before that you should have seen it.
Everybody was so mixed up
they didn't know what to do.
So I said, "Have a ceremony. "
Let's go home.
Do you smell something?
There's a bakery near here.
- Good night.
Right here is fine.
Think this is bleak enough?
My ears are frozen, my feet are frozen,
this is as far as it goes.
Malt won't like this.
- What's he not going to like?
- He'll find something.
Besides us, you mean?
Yes.
Huey...
You sit in the sled.
Santa, Sparky...
...presents...
...reindeer...
...fake snow.
- What are we missing?
- Children.
Let them out.
Let them out.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
When they handed out the parts,
you got the heart.
Right. I got the heart.
You mean you got the brains?
I mean between the two of us,
you got the heart.
Together we make a person.
What is this, Craddock, a joke?
- Who was in charge here?
- Me.
- I was.
- Right. This was Quinlan's baby.
Quinlan...
Let me ask you a question.
You was a big-shot investigative
reporter for the Chicago Tribune.
Won some prizes.
Give him a biscuit.
What do these look like to you?
They're Indians dressed up as Eskimos.
Indians, Eskimos,
what's the difference?
- That's what we thought.
- Shut up.
That's cool.
Do you know the only prize I ever got?
It's there, on the walls.
I got four and a half
million people who buy...
...the National Mirror every week.
Do you know how many...
...of those 4.5 million readers...
...are Indians or Eskimos
or Eskimo-Indians?
- I told him. American children.
- Americans...
...want to see pictures of Americans.
- They are Americans.
- Americans.
- Is that too much to ask for Christmas?
- No, sir...
...and I'll get someone right on it.
My little poochie, look at you.
If you don't teach that dog...
...some manners soon,
somebody else will have to.
How long were you
Elizabeth Taylor's pool man?
Reincarnation, Miss Hucklow speaking.
Were you on the bed when it levitated?
He lives in your refrigerator?
Can I put you on hold for a second?
I'll go to my desk and take this call.
No, don't let him out. Okay, hold on.
Here's something interesting.
Malt sent you for the tree this year.
I forgot.
I found it in Montana.
As soon as I see it, I know
it's too big to fit on the truck...
...but then I think, what if someone
sees it while I try to find one...
...that'll fit on the truck?
Then Malt gets...
...the second biggest Christmas
tree in the U.S. and I'm screwed.
Yeah, well, that's good thinking.
- So I cut the top off.
- You did that?
I didn't know it'd be
a major problem...
...to put the top part of
a tree back on the bottom.
He will never fire you.
Look at the walls.
Look. Look at the walls.
He's got millions of dollars
tied up in that dog...
...and the dog belongs to you.
Hold on to that dog, Huey.
What?!
Driscoll!
Driscoll, come in here.
We are going to get it, Sparky.
"Dear Mr. Quinlan,
I'm a great admirer...
"... of your prose and can tell
you have a sensitive nature.
"I have had an angel...
"... named...
"... Michael...
"... living with me for almost six
months now. He's extremely polite.
"I have enclosed a photograph to prove
to you that I have not lost my wits.
"I know that you and Sparky
travel all over for your stories.
"That one about the coconut
with the wedding ring inside...
"... was very, very nice.
"And I think you should visit Iowa...
"... and see us...
"... for yourself.
"Sincerely, Pansy Milbank. "
Did your mother drop you?
What was going on in that pea brain...
...that let you take this superb
creation of the Lord Almighty...
...and chop it in half?
Whatever I pay you, it's too much.
How much does Fred make?
The janitor? I cannot
survive on a janitor's salary.
- Help me?
- Kill the dog.
Were you invited?
- Let him go on the highway.
- Wait a minute.
What kind of person are you?
Who is this?
Dorothy Winters. She works here.
I do? I got the job?
- You won't regret this, Mr. Malt.
- Do you know what that is?
That...
...is an angel.
That is a genuine angel.
Huey...
...discovered it.
- Is it for real?
- Absolutely.
You'll get me this angel?
That's exactly what we'll do.
We'll put it on the front page, bold.
- Some white fluffy clouds.
- There you go.
- A drift of sky.
- You got it.
And some musical notes.
- Poetry.
- Don't play...
...with me, Quinlan.
You really are...
...going to go fetch me
this angel for Christmas...
...or...
...I fire the two of you...
...and I keep the dog.
Deal.
Need a conference with my colleague.
You cannot live on Fred's salary.
You cannot. That's a deal.
Don't you worry about a thing,
Mr. Malt.
- We'll leave tomorrow.
- Right.
We're taking...
...Sparky with us.
And Miss Winters.
They are?
- Why are we taking her?
- She's an expert.
In what?
Angels.
Miss Winters is an expert in angels.
I have something to tell you.
I won't take care of you anymore.
Your parents will find someone else...
Don't look at me like that.
I have this wonderful new job.
The only problem is, I must pretend
to be an angel expert for a few days.
It'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
And so will you.
Good dogs.
- You've had an encounter with an angel?
- No.
Yes.
Maybe.
- Have you ever met an angel?
- Once.
I got a flat tire on
a deserted country road.
There was no food, no water,
it was 108 degrees...
...and a man in a white robe
suddenly appeared on the horizon...
...with a spare and a jack.
Kidding.
I am.
Bradley used to tease.
Who's Bradley?
My ex-husband.
Better watch it, Quinlan.
We should start over.
When something's going wrong,
it's best to start over. I'll go first.
- Where did you get Sparky?
- Oh, no.
He came up to Huey in a parking lot.
Huey was eating a doughnut,
and was trying to kick him away...
You were trying to kick the dog?
I wasn't trying to kick him. I was
trying to shoo him away very gently.
...when...
...Malt comes out,
sees the dog and stops dead.
Seems Malt was once a child
who'd had a dog just like...
...Sparky.
That's so sweet.
Anyway...
...Malt's eyes get all teary...
...and he pours out this story,
about his dog Sparky...
...which ended up
underneath a tractor tire.
You know what Huey did?
Huey turns to Malt and says,
"Mr. Malt, that's amazing!
"This dog's named Sparky too. "
In no time at all, the dog is famous.
Has his own column,
saved Huey's neck 100 times.
Milk Bottle Motel. Here.
Milk Bottle Motel.
Looks like your angel checked out.
Somebody's here.
Mrs. Milbank?
I'm Frank Quinlan
from the National Mirror.
About your letter?
This is my associate,
Mr. Hugh Driscoll.
How are you?
And this is Dorothy Winters,
who is an expert in...
...various things.
And this is...
...Sparky.
You're just as handsome
as in the pictures.
I think he's cold.
- I wouldn't know why not.
- We better get him inside.
Sparky, here you are.
What's that wonderful smell?
You must be baking.
Well, it was nice of you to come.
Don't...
...shake me, Mr. Quinlan.
I'm contemplating my death.
Are you with the angel?
Do you see an angel?
I don't think I do.
Then how could I be with him?
Well, we don't know exactly
how it works with angels.
How it works?
If he's in the room
then you're with him.
If he's somewhere else...
...then you're not.
And that's why we can't see him now?
He's not here.
Are you impaired in some way...
...that I haven't noticed, Miss?
Ms. Winters...
...has probably never heard of
an angel living in a motel.
You think I'm full of shit.
No, no. Nothing like that.
I don't judge these things.
I don't decide what's real or not.
- I've seen too many things myself.
- We heard of a werewolf in S. Jersey.
- We went there.
- To locate the werewolf.
In that particular case...
...that person was convinced that
the werewolf was in the room with us.
They could see it,
although Mr. Quinlan and myself...
We couldn't, but that
doesn't mean it wasn't there.
Michael?
Are you coming down, dear?
Yeah.
Be right down.
Just got to find my smokes.
They're beside the bed,
next to my cortisone.
Did you find them?
He'll be down directly.
That smell is so familiar.
It's like something from childhood.
Oh, God.
Michael, look who's come to visit us!
It's Sparky.
How do you do?
You'll have to excuse Michael.
He's not good at suffering fools...
...but he'll be better in the morning.
Where is the thermostat in here?
Are we talking about an angel here?
- We can't be talking about an angel.
- There is no such...
...thing as an angel.
That is definitely...
...the weirdest thing I have ever seen.
It's like some great big bird...
- ... made love to that guy's mother.
- And we reap the benefits.
I'm set for life.
I could even get a raise.
I thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus. I thank you, Jesus.
I thank you, Jesus.
- What?
- That is not an angel.
- It is too.
- It is not.
I will handle this.
Where has he been?
- Meaning what?
- Meaning if he were a man with wings...
...which is the alternative,
we'd have heard about him.
You don't show up at his age with wings.
There'd be a story in the papers.
- In the National Mirror.
- Exactly. "Baby born with wings. "
"Bird-man of Iowa. "
It's not angel vs. man with wings.
There are other possibilities.
Like what?
It's fairly obvious, isn't it?
He's a younger man. She's an
older woman. He's after her money.
A gigolo with wings.
A gigolo.
What money is he after?
The Milk Bottle Motel fortune?
You don't have to have money
for someone to try to take it.
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
Is it so hard to imagine...
...that a man would be
after a woman's money?
Is this Brightly? Or Brinkley?
What's his name?
- Bradley.
- Is this him we're talking about?
- Actually, no. It's Miles.
- Who's Miles?
My second husband.
Miles was wild. It lasted a week.
You left him?
No, he left me, in my Camaro.
I see.
I'll bet he racked up $5,000 on your
Visa bill too, didn't he? Didn't he?
You just know everything, don't you?
Angels don't smoke.
I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That is a horrible expression.
It is not...
...an expression.
That's good.
He's so hungry.
Oh, boy.
Good boy.
What a sweet doggie.
How would you like
your eggs, Mr. Quinlan?
Sparky's look good.
Over easy!
Last night we were
discussing your wings.
Would you mind if I took a closer look?
Let them look at your wings, Michael.
They're from the National Mirror.
Thank you.
- Not bad.
- Compared to what?
- I've seen birds.
- Would you mind if I touched?
I'd rather you didn't.
We'd like to take a look to see
how you have these things attached.
Pull on your pecker and
see how that's attached.
Watch your language, mister.
Pecker. An angel that says pecker.
Language...
...gentlemen.
How would you like your eggs?
What's in the oven?
The smell is so delicious.
We are serving eggs
this morning and that's that.
Over easy would be just fine.
Over easy!
I thought angels were...
...cleaner.
She doesn't mean to offend. It's...
Miss Winters is an angel
expert and she gets kind of...
...literal. What she
probably wants to know is...
- ... can you fly?
- I don't...
...want to know if he can fly.
He can't. Only little angels-
Says who?
I just thought...
Halos? Inner light?
I'm not that kind of angel.
- What kind of angel are you?
- Michael is an archangel.
He battled Lucifer and
threw him out of Heaven.
Revelation Twelve, verse seven.
That was a long time ago.
He smote a bank for me.
- A bank?
- I knew it. Money was involved, right?
I should say so.
- After Elmer died...
- Who's Elmer?
My husband. After he died...
...they built the highway
and stole all my truckers.
And then the bank...
...came to...
...take the Milk Bottle...
...and I prayed for help...
...until God sent me Michael.
She was persistent.
You came...
...down and smote the bank?
A branch. First Iowa Bank of Commerce.
It was lovely. He walked into
the manager's office and said...
- What was that you said?
- Money changer!
"Money changer...
"... I shall turneth this earthly den
into a parking lot. "
Did I say that? I didn't say that.
They didn't believe us,
so Michael flattened it.
- You did that?
- Had to.
Into a parking lot?
Well, they said it was a tornado.
This town doesn't really need
a parking lot, but it's more...
...cosmopolitan.
And what about the money?
We never heard another word about it.
Did we?
Nope.
You look like...
...you must eat a robust breakfast.
How would you like your eggs?
Poached?
That's... Poached is fine.
Poached.
"The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside
the still waters... "
Look, she's happier
where she is, right?
Heaven?
She's happier up there?
It isn't my area.
You hardly knew her.
She died cooking us breakfast.
She died making breakfast.
What is it that you keep
writing in that book?
Lyrics.
To what?
I write Country Western songs.
It's my hobby.
"Earth to earth...
"... ashes to ashes...
"... and dust to dust.
"The Lord bless and keep you...
"... and give you peace. "
Justine? It's Quinlan.
Put me straight through.
What you got?
Wings.
Real wings.
Don't play with me, Quinlan.
This guy is about six feet tall.
He has wings from his shoulders
to his knees. But he's filthy.
We'll have to clean him
and put him in a white robe.
Get Craddock to dig up those sandals
with the straps that go up your legs.
Too bad he's not blond.
Angels are supposed to be blond.
But "Oprah," Barbara,
"The Today Show... "
"... Hard Copy," book the works.
Don't mess this one up.
I want that guy
on the first plane to Chicago.
Or does the bird-man fly himself?
I don't know if he actually
uses the wings, but God...
...wouldn't that be a draw?
Don't worry. He's in safe hands.
And I'm the Queen of England.
Don't fret, Malt.
He's in safe hands.
In view of this,
should we call the girl off?
No, no, leave her where she is.
I'm in a no-lose situation.
Hey, Mike.
Michael.
Have you...
...ever seen the world's
biggest ball of twine?
No.
We must go-
I saw the world's biggest cannonball.
Mesopotamia.
- I wonder if it's still there.
- Mesopotamia isn't still there.
- Nothing lasts.
- Listen...
I have to ask a favor.
Huey and I, we're on a little
bit of a losing streak.
Quit.
We can't. He's got a mortgage.
Three kids in a soccer camp.
A wife.
God knows he loves her...
...but she's burning a hole
in his pocket, and I...
Well...
Love to fight. Like me. We'll drive.
Where?
Chicago. Isn't that
where you want to go?
I know. That's why I wrote you.
You wrote?
Yeah. My idea.
Why are we driving?
I mean, why don't we fly?
All of us together in a plane.
It's safer. Much safer.
Nobody believes it...
...but statistically it's true...
- ... and the paper'll pay.
- Nope.
- We need time.
- Time for what?
Smokes.
Smokes. Besides...
...I'll get to see the world's
largest ball of twine.
- It's on the way.
- Great.
- You'll owe me something.
- Money?
I can't quote a figure, but there'll be
plenty of money, I promise you that...
...once the world sees...
- ... pictures of these babies.
- No.
- You'll owe me an apology.
- An apology, for what?
Sure, I apologize. Whatever.
Not now. When I say so.
And no pictures.
No pictures? Are you kidding me?
Not until we get to Chicago.
Deal?
Deal.
I like your coat better.
It's yours.
The world's biggest ball
of twine is two hours from here.
I'd like to see it before the sun sets.
- They'll exploit you. You must know.
- I'm going.
Well I'm not. For your sake.
You are or I'll have to tell
them the truth about you.
What?
I know why you're here...
...and it has nothing to do with angels.
How do you know?
I pay attention.
Also...
- ... I'd like you to sing.
- A song?
Of course.
Fine.
I'll sing.
Now?
When I tell you to.
In the national news:
Hog futures are down 1/4 in Chicago
and selling down 1/8 in Sioux City.
Hog futures.
Hog futures are down 1/4.
- What's the opposite of white?
- Black.
Wrong. Yolk.
Is that like an egg joke?
When we stop to eat will
you put your coat back on?
- Why?
- Your wings.
People will see your wings.
Are you afraid they'll
think less of you?
They won't know what to think.
Many people aren't
as sophisticated as me and Huey.
We don't want any trouble.
We want to get to Chicago.
He's worried somebody might
try to steal his story.
- I'm not worried.
- You're worried.
Look what Pansy left us.
Car Bingo.
Dig the propaganda.
"The miles will fly and your
children won't cry if you play...
"... Car Bingo. "
All right. Everybody gets one.
Here. Hand them out.
- What do we do?
- Here are the pencils.
Instead of writing a number
you write what you see.
Dog. One point for me.
- Not fair! You played this before.
- Not fair to me, I'm driving.
Deal with it. Bird on a wire.
- Picket fence.
- Policeman.
Where?
That was good.
You must learn to laugh.
It's the way to true love.
"The world's largest ball of twine...
- "... has a circumference of 45 ft... "
- What's the excuse?
It'll take longer because
we must stay off the highway.
Fly.
- He won't fly.
- Why?
He can't fit in coach. His wings
take too much space.
You'll pay first class?
Drive.
"... it was transported here.
There's enough twine... "
Battle.
Don't worry. What can happen?
Trust me. Nothing.
Don't fret, Malt.
What are you doing?
Battle!
You know what that is?
Battle.
Michael, don't.
I am completely happy.
Are you all right?
Can you feel your legs.
No injuries. Six thousand
three hundred and sixty battles.
Can you sit up?
Of course I can sit up.
Now, that...
...that is my nature.
But I'm doomed to live in one place
and crave the pleasures of another.
But don't you feel sorry for me.
Why would we?
Because this is my last blast. 26.
That's all we get. Thank you, Quinlan.
For what?
I think he's saying
there's no sex in Heaven.
It's not polite to talk about someone in
the third person when the person's here.
I know. I'm very sorry. Sparky!
What do you mean...
...last blast?
Only so many visits allowed.
I'm going to miss everything so much.
Why are you here?
Why are you saying it has
anything to do with me?
The Sun had an argument with the North
Wind. Who was smarter? Stronger?
The North Wind pointed out
a man walking down the street.
"I can make that man
take his coat off and you can't. "
"I'll take that bet," said the Sun.
The North Wind blew and the more...
...that wind blew, the tighter that
man held that coat around himself.
And then the Sun...
...came out and smiled...
...and it became warmer, and...
...the man took off his coat.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Did you make a bet about me?
- I had to get back here somehow.
Watch the wings there, buddy.
That's not how you eat a lemon.
How do you eat a lemon?
You cut it in half...
- ... put salt on it.
- That's how you eat a lemon.
- That is how you eat a lemon.
- What is this, a rule?
Hey, you too.
- Thank you.
- Do you have pie?
Do you have pie?
I'm a writer too.
Really. What did you write?
Psalm eighty-five.
It wasn't called Psalm 85
when I wrote it.
I didn't know they'd be
collected and numbered.
That was around the time
I invented standing in line.
You invented standing in line?
Before everybody milled around.
It was a mess.
So one day I said,
"Why not make a line?"
For what?
To get in.
- Ask him what you want to know.
- What do I want to know?
He wants to know why angels
don't solve big problems.
That is what I want to know.
Why don't angels...
...solve big problems?
You can't change
the nature of the world.
What can you do?
Small miracles, only so many.
Some angels aren't so smart.
- They use them up in stupid ways.
- Like the parking...
...space angel.
I don't like to criticize other angels.
I'll be with you in a minute.
This is how you eat a lemon.
Excuse me.
They want me.
- Remember what John and Paul said.
- The Apostles?
No, the Beatles.
"All you need is love. "
Hello there, ladies.
Do you believe in angels?
Absolutely.
Have you ever heard of an angel
that was interested in sex?
Of course not.
Angels do not have sex.
- But is there one?
- I suppose...
...he invented standing in line.
I'm going to take you for a walk.
Let's go.
Suzanne, what's going on?
Follow me, ladies.
Follow me.
I invented the hole in the coffee cup.
When you get coffee to go.
I was the first person to rip
the little hole in the lid...
...so you could drink it in the car.
- Could've made a fortune.
- It's weird.
- What?
- She's an angel expert, but-
What?
Battle.
For God's sake, Michael...
...stop.
- Battle.
- You better believe it.
It's caramels. He smell like caramels.
It's cotton candy.
He smells like cookies. The smell
gets stronger when he's in heat.
You are a great fighter.
Certainly am.
I'm cold.
You from the National Mirror?
I got a 2-headed chicken...
...if you're interested.
What are we held for?
Destruction of property, assault...
...disturbing the peace.
The Magistrate...
...will be here in the morning.
- I had nothing to do with this.
- 'Night.
We have a phone call coming to us.
Ralph got thrown in jail, but at least
he had the decency to keep me out of it.
I don't want to spend the night here.
I hate you.
What? You hate me?
- Not you.
- You hate me?
- Not you.
- Process of elimination.
Who's Ralph?
Another...
...husband...
...has popped up.
Maybe Sparky can get us out.
Go in the drawer and get the key.
Go in the drawer...
...and get the key.
Dorothy can make him do it.
Dorothy's good with dogs.
I have noticed this.
Dogs don't talk.
They don't shave.
They don't run off in your Camaro.
When you want them to take
a bath, you make an appointment.
Sit. Stay.
Roll over.
Now.
What?
Apologize.
Say you're sorry.
To her?
Be serious.
Or...
...I am not going to...
"Chicago...
"... Chicago...
"... that toddling town,
that toddling town
"Chicago...
"... Chicago
"I'll show you around
"You'll love it"
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
You cold?
Here, take my blanket, okay?
I'm going to sleep.
Me too.
All rise, all rise.
Bickel County Court is in session,
Hon. Judge Esther Newberg presiding.
Please rise.
Be seated.
Now...
...you are charged with...
...disturbing the peace,
destruction of property.
$1,200 worth.
I spoke to Jenny.
Who's...
- ... Jenny?
- That's his wife.
That sweet painting above the bar...
"... Two Moose Hunters in a Canoe,"
smashed to smithereens.
That is so sad.
- Isn't this a conflict of interest?
- Did I say...
...you could speak?
I know someone who restores
paintings. I said:
"Stop crying, I'll take care of it. "
Who can tell me exactly
what happened...
...last night?
I can.
- Anyone else?
- We were having dinner.
- Not you.
- If I may.
Put your hand down.
You.
Please.
In chambers.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickel County,
Judge Esther Newberg presiding...
...is now in recess.
Please rise.
"Love, love, love
"Love, love, love
"Love, love, love
"It's easy
"All you need is love
"All you need is love
"All you need is love, love
"Love is all you need
"There's nothing you can
know that isn't known
"There's no one you can save
that can't be saved
"Nothing you sing can't be sung
"But you can learn how to play the game
"It's easy
"All you need is love"
Come on, sing.
"All you need is love"
Not you. Not yet.
"All you need is love"
Just the guys.
Come on, fellas.
"Love is all you need
- "Love is all you need"
- Bring it down.
Wait a minute. Wait.
- Meadsboro, one mile.
- So?
That's where the world's largest
non-stick frying pan is.
We are not stopping to see the
world's largest non-stick frying pan.
- Why not?
- Because we have to get back.
Me too. But before that happens...
...I'd like to see the largest
non-stick frying pan.
- It is on the way.
- When we stop, he gets us in trouble.
He also gets us out of trouble.
What? Well, he does.
That judge just took
one look at him and...
What is that?
What is it about you?
As a woman, could you explain that?
How should I know? I'm not
the least bit attracted to him.
- No offense, but I'm not.
- I put a block on you.
- Sure.
- I did.
All right.
To continue.
"Presumably, this frying pan
was coated...
"... with Teflon to save a wee bit...
"... on the amount of cholesterol
ingested by the town of Meadsboro...
"... when they get together to honor...
- "... the egg. "
- We're not stopping.
You have 10 seconds
to change your mind.
Ten hippopotamus...
...nine hippopotamus...
How much more attractive is he
than I am? Be honest with me.
Huey, this is not healthy.
...five hippopotamus...
...four hippopotamus...
...three, two, one!
No jack. Of course there is no jack.
Just ask him to fix it.
He blew it. He can fix it.
Come back here and fix this tire.
No can do.
I miss my wife.
I don't miss any of my husbands.
Although Bradley was handy with a jack.
He had to be.
I don't want to ask why.
His tires were bald.
His tires were bald, so was his head.
I wish he'd called, but now he's dead.
He's not dead, he wasn't bald.
Poetic license.
"His tires were bald...
"... and they went flat
"So did our love...
"... and that was that"
Maybe you could write
a song about my wife.
Do you love her?
Yeah, she drives me wild.
What about her?
She had her lips done.
Had little bits of fat...
...squeezed into them.
Now my wife has lips like a blowfish.
But in a good way.
"My wife has lips like a blowfish"
I don't see it, but I could be wrong.
If I had any talent as a Country
singer, I wouldn't be sitting here.
"Sitting on the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere"
Sounds awfully familiar.
It's good though.
This is one godforsaken road.
I bet you no one ever comes down it.
Yeah, well, they won't stop, though.
Bet you need a jack.
Then what happened was...
...he came as a hundred mouths,
open and stinking with decay...
...and he tore at my flesh
from every angle of Heaven.
I grabbed Beelzebub's blue
tongue in my fist...
Who's Beelzebub?
Beelzebub is Satan.
Michael, get in the car.
- What'll it be, folks?
- Do you have pie?
Do we have pie?
You're in the pie capital of America.
Well, we want...
We want pie. What have you got?
I got them memorized, okay? Ready?
We got apple, of course...
...banana cream, coconut
cream, sour cream raisin.
Chocolate cream?
Definitely. Chocolate cream...
...and...
...strawberry rhubard pie and...
...cherry...
...and lemon meringue.
We want two slices of everything.
And vanilla ice cream on the side.
- Bliss.
- That's banana cream, that's chocolate.
Everybody get out of my banana cream.
That's the pie.
What is, what is this pie?
Sour cream raisin.
What is it about pie?
There's nothing prettier than pie...
...with scalloped edges and slits
in the top for the heat to escape.
Pie gives you the sense that you're
a 4-square person...
...living in a 4-square country.
- A pie says home.
- As American as apple pie.
I wish I invented pie.
I did.
I'm just kidding.
That was a good one.
God is in His Heaven
and all's right with the world.
My mother...
- ... made a great-
- Blueberry pie.
So do I.
I have to say I like...
...cream pie more than fruit pie.
Me too.
That is so wrong.
I like them all.
I like you.
Sing your song about pie.
You have a song about pie?
Actually I do.
Sing, Dorothy.
Now.
"Pie, pie...
"... me, oh, my
"Nothing tastes sweet,
wet, salty, and dry
"All at once so well as pie
"Apple, pumpkin,
mince and black bottom
"I'll come to your place...
"... every day if you've got 'em
Pie, me, oh, my, I love pie"
Sing another song.
It's in B flat. It's pretty basic but
watch out for the retard down there.
I'm nervous.
You'll have to forgive me,
it's a work in progress.
Don't apologize, Dorothy. Okay.
"I'm sitting by the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere
"I don't know where I'm going...
"... but I hope I know it
when I get there
"Thinking about how
love never works out
"But I guess that's the way it goes
"And how this story ends
only Heaven knows
"I always thought there was an angel...
"... watching over me
"But even angels sometimes
make mistakes...
"... as you will see
"'Cause I've had my share
of bad love affairs
"In fact, I married three
"So here's my little story...
"... about Miles, Ralph, and Bradley
"Miles made me smile...
"... till he stole my Camaro
"Ralph made me laugh till I cried
"And Bradley...
"... I loved him madly
"But his tires were bald...
"... and they went flat
"So did our love and that was that
"Now I'm sitting in the middle
of nowhere by the side of the road
"One of these days I'll find true love
"And learn how to say no
"I know in the past...
"... my love didn't last
"As I guess this story shows
"Where was my angel then...
"... only Heaven knows
"Where was my angel then...
"... only Heaven knows"
- I went to college. I was published.
- You were?
I was. It was like a yearly
thing of poems, you know.
It's great. That's great.
It's really great.
It's cold.
I'm in there, this is Huey's room.
Where are you?
I'm in four.
Where is that?
It's up there.
- Where exactly?
- On the corner.
Right there?
You're directly over my room.
You were great.
Really great.
It was...
- Good night.
- Good night.
It was...
"Something in your eyes...
"... makes me want to lose myself
"Makes me want to lose myself...
"... in your arms"
What are you doing tonight?
Not much.
Want to come to my room?
Why don't you come to mine?
That's a good idea.
"If you knew...
"... how lonely...
"... my life has been
"And how low...
"... I've felt...
"... so long
"If you knew...
"... how I wanted someone...
"... to come along
"And change my life... "
- I must tell you something.
- I know.
- I'm not-
- Ever falling in love with anyone again.
I know.
"Feels like home to me
"Feels like I'm all the way back...
"... where I come from"
Come here, Sparky.
Come here.
Wings?
Far out.
Some angel.
I needed the job.
Good morning.
What exactly are we
talking about here?
At the paper. That's what
I tried to tell you last night.
I don't make excuses
for working in there...
...there's no reason for you to.
Here's a confession.
You want to hear a confession?
Yours?
I needed the job too.
No one'd go near me after
what happened at the Tribune.
What did happen?
I hit the managing editor.
Why?
He fired this really sweet old guy
who'd been there for, like, 27 years...
Really?
Nope.
He changed my lead.
You hit him because
he changed your lead?
It was late. I was drunk.
It makes no difference where I work.
That's a lie.
Bet you've got a half-finished
novel in your desk.
She got the desk.
Are you keeping something from me?
I'm not ethical.
Just because you write about
angels for a supermarket tabloid?
Are you keeping some
angel experience from me?
If you are I forgive you.
I think I could forgive you anything.
This was not a mistake.
Don't say it was a mistake.
I couldn't bear it.
It's going well.
It's a difficult case, though.
To give a man back his heart.
Listen.
Listen to the earth.
I'm going to miss everything so much.
Remember, Sparky...
No matter what they say...
...you can never have too much sugar.
Good morning, Michael.
Good morning, Sparky.
No, he's all right.
Oh, I killed him.
- It's not your fault.
- It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry, Huey.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Do something.
It isn't my area.
What is your area?
Explain it to me.
Somebody tell me exactly
what is his area.
I don't know anything about his area.
That's what I meant to tell you.
What?
I don't know anything about angels.
I'm a dog trainer.
That's why I was hired.
To train Sparky?
And then after...
...we screw up with the angel
and Malt gets the dog...
I get Huey's job.
I didn't know you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Now bring him back to life.
Don't give me any of that "it isn't my
area" stuff. Bring him back to life...
...or go back where you came from.
Bring him back.
Angel.
I don't have much longer.
We're here, Michael. We're here.
Look up.
"The Sears Tower in Chicago
is the world's tallest building.
"It stands 1,454 feet
above street level...
"... contains enough concrete...
"... for an eight-lane highway. "
Quinlan, I'm so sorry.
I didn't do what I came for.
I didn't finish.
I'm so sorry.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Michael.
Thank you for everything.
For letting me have a little fun.
Good-bye, my battling friend.
Good-bye world's biggest angel.
Godspeed.
- You're late.
- We know.
Where's the angel?
It was a hoax.
- A hoax?
- A hoax.
Definitely.
- He had detachable wings.
- And a halo made out of pipe cleaners.
And he smelled of cookies.
Just kidding.
I win.
You're fired...
...and I get the dog.
Come on, my little sausage.
You come to your daddy.
You bastard.
Listen.
Don't hate me. I love you.
Get the mutt out.
Like that dog can be gotten out.
Like he can do anything.
That is the worst dog...
- ... I've ever met.
- You said you could train any dog.
She was wrong.
So I'm stuck with these two
because of a dog?
You're stuck with Mr. Driscoll,
not with me.
We met a guy with a 2-headed chicken.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Get off.
Whatever I said, don't...
...don't take it personally.
- You're the best reporter I have.
- I'm out of here.
You're just going to leave?
- We won't talk about it?
- Nope.
Come on.
Talk to me.
Disagree with me.
Argue me out of it.
All right, let's have
a fight. Fight me.
You're the only one
that ever fought with me here.
Who will I fight?
- You must help me out here.
- It isn't my area.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
Please stop.
Stop and talk...
...to me.
I appreciate what you said
up there. I thank you.
- I'll see you around.
- You said...
...you could forgive me anything.
I forgive you.
We had a good time.
What are you so upset about?
It's you.
I remember you.
I thought you were gone.
"I took a trip on a train
"And I thought about you
"I passed a shadowy lane
"And I thought about you"
Good evening.
For our specialties tonight,
we have angelhair pasta...
...with a pomodoro sauce...
...capellini primavera,
it's a melange of vegetables...
...over angelhair pasta...
...finally a light sauce with...
...lemon and parsley...
...it's tossed...
...with angelhair pasta.
- Anything else?
- Yes. We want...
...one pumpkin nut muffin and...
A piece of angel food cake.
They don't have angel food cake.
Do you?
"And what did I do...
"... I thought about you"
So, did you...
...ever tell anyone about...?
I was going to.
I couldn't wait to get home
to tell Valerie.
And then I opened my mouth...
...and the words wouldn't come out.
I take a breath, I even opened
my mouth a second time.
Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned,
it never happened.
But we saw it.
We were there.
It never happened.
What are you up to now?
I'm back on the novel.
If it didn't happen,
where's your coat?
What is this? If it happened,
you know what?
Then I must believe
that some day I'll be walking...
...down the street, and some
unknown force will make me...
...turn right instead of turning left...
...and at that moment...
...a car will...
...come around the corner
with the woman of my dreams in it...
...and blow a flat...
...right there next to
where I'm standing.
It never happened.
Need any help?
- No. Thanks.
- No. We're cool.
Michael, wait!
What are you doing here?
I live here.
I live two blocks from here.
I was on my way home and...
...I thought I saw...
He came around this corner.
That corner.
I love you, Dorothy.
I love you.
Marry me.
Marry me, please.
Marry me, Dorothy.
Oh, my darling Dorothy,
will you marry me?
Let's go home.
You know, Pansy,
I invented marriage.
- Michael.
- Well, I did.
Before that you should have seen it.
Everybody was so mixed up
they didn't know what to do.
So I said, "Have a ceremony. "
Let's go home.
Do you smell something?
There's a bakery near here.